Comment on It Should Feel Wrong

  1. Runa (RunaDacino) on Chapter 15 Sun 08 Jun 2025 10:51PM UTC

    Silver haired and grey furred anthropomorphic fox woman wearing librarian style glasses. She's clothed in a black jacket and sky-blue undershirt.

    Do you think there's a way I could make it more clear?

    I had had hoped I've managed to foreshadow it the chapter before "No Room for Regrets" , but I'm eager to return to the pre-exam chapters to refine/update them once I get things finished and wrapped up, so any thoughts/advice is welcome! Especially this one, I kinda wrote it together with the "No Room for Regrets" (previous one) and "No Price Too Great" before feeling like they should be their own individual chapters to better isolate things and hopefully go for some minor shock with Naruto collapsing last chapter.

    My original intent here was to hopefully foreshadow this scene thru "Leap of Faith" (Naruto faffs about, refuses to take the risk until literal last minute and only lets Sasuke know since he already saw her), then "Cursed Delays" to show Hiruzen was incredibly busy and didn't have time left after trying to prep for whatever Orochi was planning at the finals). My hope was to emphasize the overwhelming regret of putting things off/running out of time until you never ever get the chance to make things right to motivate the "... I'm never putting things off ever again." decision, even if such recklessness/straightforwardness might cause regret/pain.

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    1. lfox02 on Chapter 15 Mon 09 Jun 2025 10:58PM UTC

      I mean, I was probably just too inattentive, missing all the cues that aren't spoonfed to me.

      I think being shown all the buildup and then having Kakashi's and Sakura's initial reactions and Sasuke explaining be off screen is also in line with your "show, don't just tell" writing style, as well as the whole unreliable narrator thing you touched on in another comment (Naruto would have no way of being present for Sasuke's explanation, therefore it doesn't make the "book").

      Whether to make it more explicit that that's when she does the big reveal is a toughie. The disconnect between how Naruto refers to herself and when she is explicitly described as blonde to remind the reader made it a tad hard to piece together. Again, it could just be me. Or maybe I'm just reading too much and different people's stories are melting together with the plot bunny daydreams :p

      I'm not sure what I'd do in your shoes tbh. It's not strictly necessary to call out the change in POV like in chapters 12 and 13, but it does help sometimes. Though I do feel adding an unannounced POV change for the rest of the team where they see her change and lose consciousness would drive it home a little better that this is the moment.

      I completely forgot to mention it, but happy Pride month! 🥳🥳!

      Last Edited Mon 09 Jun 2025 11:00PM UTC

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      1. Runa (RunaDacino) on Chapter 15 Tue 10 Jun 2025 02:41AM UTC

        Silver haired and grey furred anthropomorphic fox woman wearing librarian style glasses. She's clothed in a black jacket and sky-blue undershirt.

        Happy Pride month to you too, and appreciate the feedback. I'll see which side-char might make the best reaction PoV for such. Maybe Kakashi, to explain why he was so carefree in the next chapter about it a little more explicitly than "yeah, he watched Naruto grow up as ANBU" (no promises it'd come soon. This second chapter of the package deal for next update is giving me headaches in getting it right without unwanted worldbuilding consequences/implications :v, so no room to go back rn.)

        Last Edited Tue 10 Jun 2025 02:44AM UTC

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