I'd love to hear your critique. Every opinion I got was good and it made me kind of loosen up and not check my writing as much, even though I am aware it's not too great... Thank you!
Here's what I have to say, (bear with me, it's a long one)
It's a little difficult to point out the pacing of either chapter, but the interactions between the characters are charming, hilarious an believable. The only one I felt could have been approached differently, was the introduction to Pacifica. It was a bit short, and even as you went to explain the character's feeling son the subject, it felt like it was thrown in there, along with the party. I understand how Dipper wouldn't car about it and just not pay any mind to the gossip and things like invites to parties to have no other thought son the subject other than his reply to Bill, how he'd never be invited himself. Did he hear about it and not care, or was he as oblivious as you lead readers to believe? This is something that isn't addressed and it doesn't make much sense without something to explain it. It can easily be over looked with the interactions between Dipper and Bill, but not easily forgotten since it will inevitably play a role in the story in the near future. It just feels thrown in. Speaking of which, you never mentioned the lunch bell goign off to give Dipper a reason to leave the cafeteria or enter his next class, and skipped the fact that other students would file into the halls if that were the case, unless I'm missing something, and he can just enter the classrooms that early on? You focused a little too much on you characters and not enough on the world around them, in some cases this works, and in some it sticks out that much more. You keep your characters in some sort of stasis where only they matter and the rest slips away, including time frames.Unfortunately, this takes away from the work instead of adding onto it. There are works and situations where this works, but yours is in a school setting where things happen according to the time, and you even have Dipper complaining about how long it stretches on for what feels like years. If it's not important to the story, you should still at least vaguely use it to help move along the story and setting. There are other people in the setting, use them! If you just drop them out you're taking the short cut. Billdip may be the focus, but the world aroudn them still exists. (don't feel down about it though, as I typed, it can be overlooked at times. I got aught up in the ship I almost missed it myself) It's common enough though, but keeping it in mind when you go over your drafts should help improve your story.
The dialogue is pretty balanced out by the description in it, although it wouldn't hurt to experiment with how much of each you use, (Not so much with this story as in general) this is just my advice on the matter though. It helps to build your voice as/and that of the narrator.
It comes off as a story that won't be very plot orientated, or will have very light plot, though this could already be assumed form the description, so there's nothing to really say there. There are, however, a few errors I picked up on in past/ present tense, or the endings ere and there. They only occur a few times though, which I commend you for. I can point them out if you'd like, though I didn't here because I didn't want to sound like I was nit-picking... I still felt I should tell you. I've proof read and edited for other fan fiction writers, who make similar errors at times among a few others, I'd offer you the same, but I think you can manage. All the same, my door is open. You're faring better than them with the errors, though you could benefit from more experience. It's far from bad, quite the contrary, but you are a verdant writer still.
While you're writing isn't "great", it is good. I'm not sure if you're either an inexperienced natural, or if you have the experience to get you where you are now. Either way, the product is enjoyable, or as Garnet would say, "an experience, make sure it's a good experience" for you and your readers. So write on and embrace your idiosyncrasies my friend!
I would have pointed out more of your good points, but I'm sure you'll have plenty of those! You also wanted feed back more than compliments, so... this is the result. More or less.
Thank you so much for this! I'd try to take your advice and make less mistakes from now on. This is the first thing I've written on English, since it isn't my first language, so I was expecting a lot worse. Again, thank you for taking your time to write that, it really helped!
You're very welcome. Don't worry too much over the mistakes, I'm sure you'll pick up on them as you go. Although... "I'll not I'd" I is i would, which is past tense. All things considered, I would not have known or guessed that English was not your first language, you write in it with native fluency. Your mistakes are small ones that everyone makes at times.
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