Actions

Work Header

Rating:
Archive Warning:
Category:
Fandom:
Relationships:
Characters:
Additional Tags:
Language:
English
Stats:
Published:
2019-12-28
Completed:
2023-12-24
Words:
37,005
Chapters:
13/13
Comments:
270
Kudos:
610
Bookmarks:
161
Hits:
12,707

Stiles and Scott, Rescue Vets

Chapter 13: Post-Story: Winter Holiday Message

Chapter Text

[Intro on SCOTT and STILES side-by-side behind an examination table. The room looks as it does on the regular show, except that the animated rat skeleton on the back counter is wearing a tiny red-and-green bow around its neck that it keeps fluffing. SCOTT is wearing an earnest smile and a hideous sweater featuring a unicorn head, snowflakes, and candy canes, all sequined with as many colors as possible. STILES is not smiling, but looks relatively relaxed, and his red-and-green plaid shirt appears to be his only concession to the season.]

SCOTT: Hi, all! There’s no regular episode this week, but we wanted to make sure we checked in with all of you for the holidays and wished you and your loved ones—

STILES: Including the ones who need extra care because they’re depending on you to read up on what you’re getting into, because it is animal cruelty if you’re knowingly ignorant and your fun little holiday purchase ends up dying in the gift box and traumatizing your—

SCOTT: *reaches over without looking, pats STILES vigorously on shoulder* —a happy, safe holiday, and speaking of, we also wanted to let you know it’s now even easier for you to make sure you know how to holiday-proof your celebrations for your pets!

STILES: Yeah, I mean, if you wanna try, we’re gonna meet you with this *suddenly breaks out into a beautiful smile* amazing little thing we call the Internet. And the shiny, thoroughly-researched new website we’ve made to share common tips and tricks about pets from alicorn to ziphius!

[SCOTT and STILES execute synchronized “ta-da” motions towards the empty space between them. They hold the pose for a couple seconds and then STILES’ eyes visibly track something off-camera. STILES drops his arm, then lifts it to bat at SCOTT so SCOTT glances over, mouths ‘oh’ and then also drops his arm. An audible sigh is heard off-camera.]

STILES: So, anyway, our new site has lots and lots of useful info about how to not poison your pets and how to keep their stress levels minimized when there’s lots of new stuff going on in their homes, and how to ignore certain holiday movies whose names we shall not speak that grossly misinform people about exotic animals—

SCOTT: *brows furrow* I really wish they wouldn’t keep running it this time of year. Kids are so impressionable and it’s just so wrong, and so many poor unicorns have gotten impounded or worse because of it.

STILES: *eyeing off-camera* One ten, bro, one ten. But seeing as unfortunately we have no influence over the programming choices of media conglomerates and our lawyers won’t let us serve those soulless corporate drones with the visit from Frau Perchta they really deserve—

[Muffled off-camera conversation, becoming somewhat louder as SCOTT nods and makes a clear effort to cheer himself up again. Then ERICA walks into view, wearing a very short red dress with tiny gold stars dotting it.]

ERICA: Which is totally a joke and not a suggestion for anybody to do Stiles any favors, because he’s not gonna come back from the holiday break any faster if he’s locked up with his lawyer. *stares hard off-camera while STILES, visibly amused, starts to fiddle with the collar of his plaid shirt* Because I don’t blow off Santa to bail people out on Christmas, so I’m definitely not filming this from jail.

STILES: *muttering* Honestly, I could probably talk Dad into it if we promise him it’ll keep everything where he has eyes. Except, you know, maybe when Peter and me need a moment—

ERICA: *loudly* Anyway. Check out the website! It even comes with a moderated discussion forum where you can connect with other fans of the show and learn from each other! But again, nothing in this message is intended to empower or encourage you to harass or stalk any cast members or anyone they happen to mention.

SCOTT: *pained expression* Do we need to say that?

[Off-screen, several voices shout ‘yes!’ with varying degrees of forcefulness.]

STILES: Yeah, listen, we appreciate the love. We really do! But keep it at home with your real-life friends and family, because *leans over, straightens back up with two tiny versions of ZILLA in his arms* they’re always there to support you when you need it, and you owe it to them to be there for them too. *pauses* Also, making sure your loved ones are still willing to speak to you means you have more people to receive the amazing gifts we’ve got in the site shop, which I’m contractually required to tell you has now expanded with a great holiday-themed selection.

ERICA: *rolls eyes* Contractually because those mugs and shirts keep Zilla and her babies in stormtroopers to maul, guys.

[One gojira looks straight at camera, then leans over STILES’ arm and spits out something. Camera zooms in on a battered, deformed but still-recognizable Lego minifigure head, clad in a stormtrooper helmet. Beaming, STILES kisses the gojira on its head and then pops it onto his shoulder, where it starts chewing on his shirt-collar. STILES doesn’t appear bothered and instead undoes the top button on his shirt.]

STILES: I have to call out that for all you Erica fangirls and fanboys and fan others out there, this year we stocked up on the merch for you and now you’ve got all the sarcastic magnets, notebooks, and holiday cards your little blackened heart could want. But even if you don’t buy anything, please do check out the site and see if it can help you keep your exotic pet safe and happy this year. That’s really, truly what we do this for.

SCOTT: *nods* Yes! All we want to do is help you.

ERICA: *leaning in over SCOTT’s shoulder* Just remember, if you have a little too much eggnog and get an itch to do something stupid like drive up to Beacon Hills for a personal visit, Tris does not like strangers—

SCOTT: Wait, Erica—

ERICA: And Stiles and Zilla live with a guy who gets hot and bothered over restraints and blood.

STILES: *shrugs, undoes another shirt-button while looking off-screen* Okay, you know, jail last year was honestly probably one of the best New Year’s Eve nights out, but Dad would kill me if we did it again. And we’ve got the kids now, don’t want to have to get Derek to baby-sit last minute, do we?

[Off-screen shout of ‘hell no’ as SCOTT turns in that direction, looking concerned.]

ERICA: *eyeroll* So, one last time, have a happy holidays, everyone! We’ll see you next year! *pauses, then leans in towards camera while SCOTT and STILES are distracted with different off-screen commotions* Be good and maybe I’ll do a live-stream and give you the dirt on just what Stiles had to do to bribe Peter into being a good little wolfie for Christmas. *bright smile*

CAMERAMAN (off-screen): Shit, I need my break now.

[Zoom out on baby gojira, yawning and snuggling into Stiles’ shoulder, as the other baby gojira leans down to sniff at its head.]