Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Was It really worth it?

it never did anyways.

the pure fire of anger and vengeance has already burned out, leaving a feeling of worthlessness and sorrow

Would things have had changed?

would things changed if he never agreed to play soccer?

maybe.

maybe he'd wouldn't have wasted his life for someone who clearly doesn't care anymore.

in the back of Rin's mind, he wanted to be someone that feels like "himself"

like anyone would reply with simply, if he wanted to, he can just go and do it.

but would that really be him?

or just another wall of fake for the "Rin" that was abandoned long ago?

___________________________

before the teen knew, he was in front of the ocean. the waves splashing on his body. he didnt know when, but by now he had already walked until it had reached his chest

it wasn't soft or anything. it feels cold, rough. freezing his body

but its..quiet...

it's like as if, the ocean was welcoming him into the water.

it felt so tempting, too good to be real.

yet it is. 

with the way Rin was, someone like him would be better off dead.

so he finally gave his legs up, dropping down into the ocean with a splash

and immediately, water started to flow into him, into his lungs.

his instincts begged him to swim up, to get another breath of air

but he didn't, he just let himself be in the body of water

let himself drown in the silence of tonight

let himself drown in the despair of his mind.

if Niichan  Sae was glad of his disappearance

then Rin couldn't be happier

maybe then the brother he prayed to acknowledged him so much were to feel glad

to feel like he wasn't burdened anymore.

maybe deep down the scars would heal.

maybe.

Rin didn't know why, but his mind somehow wandered to a familiar rival

one with deep blue eyes, the "heart of Blue Lock" specifically.

oh he didn't know why

maybe because he was the only one that got into his hollow world

the one who was able to get into his level

a little too much actually.

maybe because he always come back whenever Rin pushes him away.

the way Isagi always smiles at him

it was Isagi who created the small warm space for the both of them

it was warm, it felt nice.

Rin can actually create a connection with someone

he can talk, let out a bit of his feelings. but the same look from the other boy, the one without judgment will still be plastered on Isagi's face

it hurts.

it hurts that someone like Isagi is willing to stay for him.

If you smile like that

Even though I'm sad and also want to disappear,

I'll wish if only all my reasons to say goodbye

Went away.

but it didn't.

and he will once again, break open the warm space and fall back into the cold of the ocean

he wanted to think he was willingly to disappear right here, right now

but in the back of his mind, 

he felt like he was still uncertain of this choice

maybe he would regret dying later.

maybe he wouldn't

but nonetheless, its too troublesome to swim back up now

how would he explain to Sae if he got home soaked?

he really didnt know how.

so he won't go back.

not if he was already in too deep.

he can't go back.

he can't.

and he won't.

-----

Rin suddenly wondered

what is Niichan Sae doing right now?

what is Isagi doing right now?

it was a silly question, considering the situation he's in right now

but he still wondered.

while he was in the deep body of the ocean

what is everyone doing?

Isagi right now might be asleep already, its 2 AM after all.

and Sae?

he's probably at the airport right now. today's the day Sae goes back to Spain again.

-----

he felt dizzy now

not a single coherent thought was able to be formed.

his eyes hurt, it hurts

everything in him hurts.

a little too much.

he can't breathe, which is pretty obvious since well..he's drowning.

he felt cold, too cold.

its probably hypothermia. he's pretty much freezing.

he felt his consciousness slowly slipping away from his body by each second.

Even if I were wiped away

That wouldn't change some hundred million people.

If no one will resent me, then

The result's the same, a loss for me.

but if Niichan is happy

then he'll accept this fate.

Chapter Text

Consciousness has almost completely left his body, the dark green hair boy thought he’s gonna die soon

But..

R..

R..n…-

R…!

RIN..!!

a faint voice yelled for his name, he thought its just some voice in his head

except it’s real.

it felt too real to be a imagination from his mind, it was definitely real.

but he didn’t swim up, he didn’t try to move

for his body has already been too worn out.

But it seems like the figure couldn’t bring themselves to give up

because he felt hands, strong hands. Pulling him roughly, desperate even.

It pulled, pulled..pulled

pull until both the figure and him reach the surface.

Taking off and landing

The emptiest of feelings

Rin lay on the sand, eyes still blurry.

but all he can see is the figure, more visible. They seemed to have..pinkish red hair, the same color his Niichan had.

no..it couldn’t be right..? His Niichan hated him right? So why would he save him..?-

before he can think more, he felt the collar of his shirt grabbed, pulling him close to the figure.

a voice suddenly invaded his ears

“W..what the hell is WRONG with you..?!”

it felt like it should’ve gave him a punch to his heart, it should’ve been filled with venom, but all he heard is a desperate form of worry and fear

he didn't feel like responding

he can’t talk, his body hurts, his mouth was tired as well

but he did ending up weakly reply back.

”w…w..why do..you..— c-care..??!”

it made him sound pathetic, really

but he didn’t care enough to fix it of course

he couldn’t care less.

__________________________

Sae’s expression falters a bit, ah..

of course, why would Rin suddenly act all joyful and happy to see him? He’s dealing with someone who probably drowned himself on purpose right now obviously (it was on purpose)

he was always terrible with communication, so he honestly didn’t know how to react

all he knows is that he needs his brother to understand.

”You're my brother obviously! Why the fuck wouldn't i pull you out..?!”

that was all he could blurt out, the older one can’t bring himself to pour it all out

its probably not the time for the real talk anyways.

his baby brother just barely got out of Death’s doorsteps.
____________________________________

brother..? That’s weird.

if he still sees him as a brother, not a eyesore

shouldn’t he treat him like a actual one?

but he didn’t want to argue

it hurts.

Niichan…

----- 

He didn’t know when

but for a moment, he could see a glimpse of his brother’s reaction

it was quick, but it was clear.

the older one is shocked, but why?

he questioned before it clicked. Ah..

he was unknowingly crying this whole time, he didn’t know why. But he also didn’t want to know

it didnt stop, no matter what. But he couldn’t bother to wipe it away, he didn’t really want to hide it. it was already too late from the moment Sae started pulling him out of the water anyways.

“Rin..—“

”just call the ambulance.”

.

”..what?”

”ambulance.”

Rin weakly responded, turning his head away

he wanted to disappear.

But the shitty big brother still decided to pull him out of what he should’ve end up apart as.

Let down and hanging around

Crushed like a bug in the ground

Let down and hanging around

and yet he still tried to “save” him?

his Niichan must’ve have truly lost the ability to feel then.

but he felt like Sae, behind that indifferent expression. Was still the exact same fear and worry from when he first looked at him.

it must’ve hurt him, then good.

maybe then Niichan would understand how it feels like.

Chapter Text

5 AM

the sunlight shined through the hospital window, casting it's soft yellows on Rin

even if hes asleep, he knows it morning with his closed eyesight turning orangish. He's a light sleeper after all.

it reminded him of someone who was just as soft as this sunlight.

deep blue eyes, a dark starry ocean at quiet nights. yet it was always warm

a genuine smile plastered on their face, it was like the sand. if someone cried, the smile acted as the sand would absorb the tears.

I sagi.

Watch the sunrise along the coast

As we're both getting old

I can't describe what I'm feeling

And all I know is we're going home

he wanted him here with him, hold his hand or ruffle his hair. whatever he usually does.

fortunately, the voice he wanted to hear most ringed to his ears (?)

"Rin!"

the taller one does his effort to open his eyes (man his body does NOT want to corporate with him.)

and look there he is, sitting beside his bed. with worry and concern written all over his face, though..a spark of relief was seen on Isagi's face for a second.

"You look like shit."

"as if you're not the one in bed, dumbass!"

woah, first thing both did after Rin was awake. was to banter the fuck out, but it wouldn't be a Rin or a Isagi if there's no banter.

"anyways, are you okay? like. you're not, but are you okay like..mentally right now??"

oh

he didnt expect that. Why did Isagi ask that? he thought a person like him would ask him only if hes okay.

"..Yeah?? why'd you even ask that, lukewarm."

"no seriously, are you okay..?"

jeez, a stubborn versus a stubborn. a battle meant to be! its annoying though

trying to avoid but the other keeps nagging you

trying to find out but the other keeps running away

.

maybe he should just drop it, its gonna turn into a full argument if one of them doesn't finally stop.

"uh, no."

"knew it."

oh, so this bastard DOES know. he just wanted to be confirmed???

"what did you do to be in here anyways.."

Rin's body shook, his breath hitched a bit. he looked down, suddenly feeling a small wave of guilt washing over him. why did Isagi even ask that anyways..? he thought the other was gonna forget about that question. turns out he DID remember

"ah, you dont need to say it now, or tomorrow, or ever actually

I just want you to be okay."

"..mhm."

a hum was what he can only reply with, though. Isagi's reassurance did work on him though.

____________________________

Isagi was worried as hell, well. anyone would after finding out their friend was hospitalized NO explanation from his older brother

he had to call the taxi, hurried to the hospital as fast as he can once Sae dropped the news.

talked to the receptionist, ran (well not ran, but he did walk fast so..) to room 501, where apparently Itoshi Rin is staying there.

and there he was, sleeping in that GODDAMN hospital bed. looking pathetic as ever, with all the bandages and shit

yet.. he looks, pretty cute actually. even when hes in a vulnerable state

not like hes a sadist or anything (unlike someone), but Rin just looks cute vulnerable and peaceful alright?

so like any normal person would do, he gently place his hand on the latter's cheek gently. its cold, but not to the point its like a dead corpse though.

but he never knew Rin's cheek would be..that soft??

squishy and all that shit. he should do this more often when he's awake! :]

I don't care how long it takes

As long as I'm with you

------

well, its a kinda disappointing result. but its Rin, and it wouldn't be Rin if he just straight up explains why anyways.

before he could stay in his train of thoughts any longer. a yawn was heard

specifically, Rin's yawn was heard.

he snapped out of his little world and take a look at the taller one and yep.

hes sleepy, again isn't he?

------

"Hey, you're tired again aren't you?"

he heard Isagi's voice asked him softly, finally looking up at him. he could still see that same fucking concern on his face.

"yeah. so leave, I need to sleep you half-baked."

"you look like you want me to stay though.."

FUCK.

"..fine, stay."

I don't care how long it takes

As long as I'm with you, I've got a smile on my face

Save your tears, it'll be okay

Yeah, if with me

Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

I can't describe, oh, oh

Rin lied back on his bed, closing his eyes and trying to go back to sleep (not if he turned his back on Isagi first though)

and Isagi gently caresses Rin's hair while that.

it had gotten longer too, when was the last time he even cut it anyway? its right at his shoulders now.

.

it feels nice.

Chapter Text

ok so like you guys are probably confused (or no)

but basically

this is a no-bluelock au. and Rin and Isagi are (childhood) friends!

Rin already gave up on his dream right after Sae left it. so now hes a none soccer kid while Isagi had another dream instead of playing soccer :3

(this can be a figure-skater x swimmer au too if you guys want)

^^^^^

if y'all want that then you could say yes in the comments to let me know :3

and yes if you ask all three here (Sae Rin and Isagi) are mentally ill 🤞

Chapter Text

Itoshi Rin

is a fucking liar, a hypocrite, a mirror in disguise as a human.

he is still the child with the emotion containment of a rock.  throwing tantrums after tantrums for someone who only wanted the best for both.

fueling revenge with his emotions

fueling and fueling until he had none more to fill, until he finally realized it was all for nothing.

Itoshi Rin, is what should be deemed: a emotional mess of a fool

even so, to Isagi

Itosh- no. Rin. is the best thing that had ever came in his life.

He was a mess indeed, but. he was a beautiful mess. a absolutely beautiful mess

a mess he'd willingly clean up, a mess he'd willingly support

a mess he'd willingly save.

breaking open my darling's bones, ripping apart his flesh

all that inside was a grotesque broken mess

and I will clean up the mess, because it doesn't deserved to eat out Rin's body. What's Rin's is what should be cherished and cared, therefor the gross mess shouldn't be there

Chapter Text

Rin doesn't want to talk about anything, or anyone for that matter.

he doesn't wanna talk about his days anymore, he doesn't wanna talk about his hobbies anymore, he doesn't wanna talk about his interests anymore, he doesn't wanna talk about anyone anymore.

and most importantly

he doesn't wanna talk about the distant hated stranger he once called "Niichan" anymore.

he doesn't wanna praise or insult him anymore, he doesn't wanna beg for his acknowledgment anymore, he doesn't wanna rant about how much of a asshole this stranger is anymore. he doesn't wanna hope that one day, maybe..they both will see each other as and be brothers again. He doesn't wanna hope that maybe..Niichan will think him as his little brother again.

this is weird, everything is weird. is that strange pink hair as cruel as Rin wants to describe him. or was it just a excuse to villainize the guy?

he didn't mind that Rin quit soccer, he was there all the time. it was strange, it felt strange.

its like he's still a little kid who cried and threw tantrum around because no one wanted to play with him, which in this case. no one wanted to play with him indeed.

a foolish, foolish child that once thought him and his big bro would stay together forever. it was stupid, but children are stupid after all so who cares?

*ੈ♡⸝⸝🪐༘⋆

the first time Rin cried, was when Sae gone overseas. at the time, the boy still liked soccer and his brother was still the kind big bro. he didnt loved soccer, but its fun to kick a ball into a goal so its okay..

it felt painfully empty honestly. no Sae, no friends, no one actually. his parents were barely there, and when they did its only because they need to pick up something. the day after Sae left was the day Rin realized how lonely he actually was.

no one was snoring beside him everyday that he woke up, no one was picking him up at school, no one was passing their super wisdom to him every time he asked something, there wasn't anyone at all.

it hurts, a lot actually. he's okay with just one person accompanying him, not..no one. at first, a small tear started to form in his eyes before they fell down. then, there were two, then three, then too many to count.

he couldn't breathe, snot was blocking his nose. he sneezed, he sobbed. still, there wasn't anyone coming for him.

no more groggy whispers of "Rin..?" no more sitting beside his bed asking him what's the matter, no more hugging him until he stops crying, none of that. his Niichan was gone and they're teenagers now.

crying so much, until weariness took over and letting the poor child rest.

it was the first time he genuinely cried.

*ੈ♡⸝⸝🪐༘⋆

the second time Rin cried, wasn't that long ago. he didn't remember when, but he still remembered it vividly regardless. it was a few days after Sae returned and well..it didn't go well with their reunion.

it hurts a lot, he had expected rage and anger to come. it never did though, it only felt hollow, like suddenly all the hours he used to trained soccer just..didn't matter anymore. he quit soccer instead, just like what his brother had told him. because he's still the little kid that would listen to anything his Niichan says

from that day on, the stranger stopped appearing again. but instead of crying for his "NIichan", he just..stopped that

he kinda got used to the loneliness. wake up, eat breakfast, go to school, train soccer, go home, sleep, repeat all over again.

he stopped crying after a while, 5 years of living alone and doing things by himself. he had gone used to that, at least he thought he did.

winter eventually came, he never liked winter that much. the warm water got colder, the house was even more like a wasteland of Antartica. 

it should be fine, his brother was already gone again too. it should be fine, Rin thought it'd be fine

...

it wasn't. it wasn't fine.

it definitely wasn't fine at all.

the argument left him even more hollow, more empty. he can't feel himself, he can't feel his heart beating. as if his heart was ripped out the moment the pink hair man left, ripping out his corse wasn't enough, so the man also ripped out his skin too. he felt colder, too cold.

at night, he stopped crying and silently begging for his Niichan to come back, he just stared at the wall and wait until the fatigue came. it never came this time though

there wasn't any sleep, his mind stopped being empty and calm.

because he realized something: Who is Rin without his Niichan?

who is Itoshi Rin if Itoshi Sae never existed? he would be nothing, he wouldn't exist either.

he won't even be the shadow in a corner, he won't even be the wind that passed through when the days are too hot or cold.

he'd be nothing, nothing at all. he wouldn't exist, he wouldn't be here. he'd be nowhere to be seen, and no one will remember him or know him in the first place.

and before he knew it, tears had already started to come back. not just from loneliness anymore though, it hurts more, actually. he had no answer, just when his brother came back, they both had a argument and then..he just left, gone again. like he was just a apparition came to remind him about the overwhelming loneliness and then leave again.

snot came to block his nose again, just like last time. he sobbed too hard again, just like last time. and he cried and cried and cried until weariness came and force sleep on him again, just like last time.

he had thought he can get used to this monster called Loneliness, that he can survive it just fine after some time. but he was proven wrong again, his parents are barely absent, his niichan is officially gone. turning from who used to be his dear big brother, now just a stranger he barely sees again.

is this what their relationship is bound to be like? great, then argument, then BOOM! bad.

then he hated it, but there's nothing to do about it. what's done is done, and it can never be brought back again

right?

it was the second time he cried his heart out. and its all for the strange man he barely gets to see now, thats as once his number one favorite person in the world