Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

PRINCETON-PLAINSBORO TEACHING HOSPITAL

     > #welcome

Welcome to

PRINCETON-PLAINSBORO TEACHING HOSPITAL

This is the beginning of this server.

→ House joined the party.

→ Good to see you, Chase.

→ Cameron is here.

→ Welcome Foreman. Say hi!

→ Wilson just showed up!

     > #general

Welcome to #general!

This is the start of the #general channel.

Chase: server name long as fuck

House: longer than wilson has been looking for a new girlfriend since amber keeled over

Wilson: don’t you dare bring amber into this

House: sorry

Wilson: really?

House: no

Wilson: fuck

Foreman: Should’ve seen that coming, Wilson.

House is an ass, but he’s a consistent ass.

Wilson: true

don’t know why i still get blindsided by him sometimes

House: you’re gullible and malleable

Wilson: well you need a malleable to your rigid house

Chase: ????

RIGID??

Wilson: damn it

that’s not what i meant

and you know it chase

Chase: nah i knew exactly what you meant

gonna screenshot this and add it to the hilson folder on my laptop

House: do i have to remind you that you’re a liability?

walking around the bloody hospital with multiple personalities

Chase: ok fire me then

do it you won’t 

no balls

House: i should be able to

my name on the door, my team, my decisions

Cuddy: My building, my floor, my people.

You’re not firing Chase.

House: spoilsport

Cuddy: There’s a hierarchy here, House.

It’s time you started accepting it.

House: you know i’d turn into a radical anarchist just to spite you?

Cuddy: Oh, I have no doubt.

But I’d still be your boss.

You’d still be my radical anarchist.

Chase: damn

screenshotting that and adding it to the huddy folder on my laptop

Cameron: is that what you’re here for, chase?

to ship people?

Chase: free entertainment what can i say

can’t complain

Cameron: sigh

what is this server even for?

Cuddy: For communication.

We’ve all entered the age of smartphones, and I heard about Discord from a friend the other day.

Decided to try it out.

Chase: lol wait

you had to hear about discord from a friend?

Cuddy: Is there a problem with that?

Chase: fucking boomer

Cuddy: Actually, we’re both in the same generation, Chase.

Chase: :point_up::nerd:

erm ackshually

Cuddy: You know it’s true.

Chase: doesn’t change the fact that i’m like ten years younger than you

the rift between us is large

and it’s only grown larger with every letter you added to the name of this server

Cuddy: What’s wrong with the name?

Chase: bro really had to spell out the entire hospital name

just a simple ‘PPTH’ would do no??

Wilson: i like the full name

Chase: anybody born before me has no speaking rights

Foreman: Great attempt at silencing House, Chase.

Hope you know it takes more than that.

House: yeah chase

you should know

have you ever heard of the phrase ‘respect your elders’?

Chase: yes, but i’ve lost all belief in that phrase since i met you

Foreman: Damn.

Cameron: can’t argue with that

in fact, i kind of agree with chase

House: @Cuddy

you do know employment means having respect for your boss

Wilson: HAH

ironic coming from you house

House: oh shut up

what i’m saying is

can i please fire both of them

Cuddy: No.

House: aw

i thought saying please would work

cuddy loves it when people beg

Cameron: what

Chase: more huddy content

i really am getting fed today

     > #welcome

→ Thirteen hopped into the server.

→ It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Nevermind, it’s just Kutner.

→ A wild Taub appeared.

     > #general

Chase: welcome bitches

@Thirteen

@Kutner

@Taub

Kutner: yoo

Thirteen: that solidifies it

Chase: solidifies what?

Thirteen: that i’ve made a massive mistake joining this server

Kutner: no i think it’ll be fun

we finally have a group chat

kinda

Taub: I’m with Remy

This was a mistake

Kutner: no cmon

now we can talk to house without paging him

see how it’ll be fun?

Foreman: Who in their right mind wants to talk to House outside of emergencies?

House: wilson

Wilson: fuck

Foreman: And that’s why Wilson’s insane.

House: he’s not the craziest one here

not while chase is present anyway

Chase: ok

i’m guessing the day you stop using my mental disorder against me is the day i win the lottery

Thirteen: no, it’s the day he fires you

Chase: which is never

as long as cuddy is here

or as long as i don’t commit massive medical malpractice

House: nice alliteration

almost makes you as hot as cuddy is with what she’s wearing today

Cuddy: House, why don’t you devote more time to looking at your case instead of at my cleavage?

House: but your cleavage goes so much deeper

this one’s just cancer

and cancer’s boring

Wilson: ok

House: sorry

Wilson: really?

House: no

Wilson: FUCK

Foreman: Seriously, Wilson, you have to stop falling for these.

Wilson: i will

eventually

one day

House: cancer’s boring

so is wilson

and probably every other oncologist out there

Wilson: ok bully them then?

House: but you’re my best friend

Wilson: yes, the eighth deadly sin

being your best friend

Chase: that’s crazy

i think wilson’s the worst off here

at least we’re only employees

Cuddy: And his boss.

Chase: and his boss

which might be second to wilson

Cuddy: Don’t you all have other things to do?

Chase: i mean

like house said

this case is just cancer

already started the patient on chemo

there’s nothing else to do

Cuddy: What if it’s not cancer?

House: oh come on

wilson thinks it’s cancer

i think it’s cancer

and i’m always right

therefore it is cancer

Wilson: so what was the point in asking me then

House: it’s like the government making decisions

pretend to ask the public their opinions and ignore them anyway because they think they’re right

only difference is that the government can be wrong

Wilson: house 

you truly are insufferable

House: thank you

one more to my ‘insufferable’ jar

when it’s full i’ll donate it to charity

Cuddy: Speaking of charity.

House: oh god

not another charity event

Cuddy: You’ll show up, House.

It’s poker, anyway.

You and Wilson can settle whatever enmity you have between the two of you there.

Wilson: yeah

can’t wait for him to psychoanalyse me based on the cards i have in my hand

House: is it still psychoanalysis if i’m always right?

Wilson: no you’re not

House: yes i am

Wilson: no you’re NOT

Foreman: Give it up, Wilson.

He’s a manchild.

He’ll never admit that he can be wrong.

House: only thing i was wrong about was wilson’s taste in women

i questioned everything after cutthroat bitch

Wilson: i said don’t you dare bring amber into this

House: she’s in all right

in the ground

Wilson: .

Foreman: House, you bastard.

House: but i’m right

Wilson: i hope you fall down the stairs today

House: well luckily for me wilson is the opposite

he’s never right

so i’ll have a great time on the stairs today

Chase: if we all collectively wish that he’ll fall down the stairs eventually god will hear one of us

House: god is a theory

and i have theories regarding each one of your personalities if you’d like me to share with the class chase

Chase: no thanks

House: how about theories regarding your relationships?

Chase: no

House: aw

you’re about as much fun as cuddy is

Chase: your ball was fun

Cameron: ?

House: what?

Chase: the one you keep on your desk

it was fun

Wilson: to do what with exactly

Chase: i aint saying more

just saying

it was fun

Foreman: Jesus Christ.

Chase: kinda rough

just the way i like it

Thirteen: ??????????????

Kutner: yeah nevermind i think thirteen and taub were right

this was a mistake

Chapter Text

PRINCETON-PLAINSBORO TEACHING HOSPITAL

     > #general

House: so

anyone wants to pay for my cafeteria order today

Taub: No

Thirteen: no

Foreman: No.

House: aw 

but i’m poor

:pensive:

Chase: damn

didn’t know people house’s age knew how to use emojis

Thirteen: are you kidding?

have you been on facebook?

emojis are all they know how to use

Chase: that’s true

House: @Wilson

pay for my food

Cuddy: House, you can’t keep running to Wilson to satisfy your need for attention.

He’s the Head of Oncology.

He’s busy.

Chase: not the only head he’s involved with if you know what i mean

Thirteen: literally what the hell

Chase: i’m just saying man

hey did you know my hilson folder is almost 8gb large

Thirteen: wow

no one needed to know that!

Cameron: chase

Chase: ok ok im sorry cammy :sob:

pls dont scold me

Foreman: …Cammy?

Cameron: thanks

i didn’t need a childish nickname today

but here we are

Thirteen: shouldn’t have opened discord today is what you should’ve done

Cameron: that too

Thirteen: @Kutner where are you

we’re waiting for you

and house

but we all know where house is

Chase: where

Thirteen: cafeteria

bet he’s standing there with his tray of chips and coffee waiting for wilson to magically show up with ten bucks

Kutner: sorry guys

patient in the icu had a heart attack so i ran in to help

it’s settled though we got her pulse back

i'm coming up rn

ok but sorry that image ^ thirteen just sent is so funny in my head

House: @Cuddy

Cuddy: What.

House: i’m standing here with my tray of chips and coffee and no one is magically showing up with ten bucks

can you tell them to give me free food today

Cuddy: If I get them to waive your food, I’d need to get them to waive everyone’s food.

And then they wouldn’t get paid.

We need people to staff the cafeteria.

If you didn’t notice, they’re the ones making all the food we eat.

House: but i got my tray of food already

i can’t put them back

Taub: Then stand there until Wilson shows up to save your ass

We can start on the case without you

Kutner: house the chips are sealed

just put them back

House: they were the last pack

fuck no i’m not putting them back

Kutner: ok well

i tried to help

Thirteen: he’s too stubborn

he’s not going to accept any help that isn’t monetary

House: thirteen gets it

you guys can just send the symptoms here anyway

what do we got?

Chase: we’re not sending the fucking symptoms here

taub’s right

you can just stand there until wilson comes

and we work on the case without you

FINALLY the dictator’s gone

Kutner: not the first dictator to go while chase is here

Chase: bro

Kutner: sorry bro just pointing out

Chase: some things you should just stfu about kutner

like the daily nightmares about your childhood trauma

Cameron: what?

Kutner: woah wtf

are u ok?

Chase: :sob: no

Cameron: chase, be serious

are you really having daily nightmares about your childhood?

Chase: well

ok not daily

maybe like once a week

Cameron: chase…

Chase: what??

im sure kutner has nightmares about his past too

Kutner: very rarely bro

definitely not once a week

only when i’m stressed af

Chase: cmon we work for house

when are we not stressed af

Cameron: chase, you should talk to someone

Chase: nah

i’m all good

it’s normal

Foreman: No, it’s not.

Having nightmares once a week about your childhood is not normal.

Cameron’s right.

Chase: look if i were having them every night then yes

i agree we have a problem

but i’m not

they’re literally once a week

chill

Cameron: and you lose sleep over them?

Chase: uhhh

…no

Thirteen: liar

Chase: bruh who tf doesn’t lose sleep over nightmares

guys fr cmon 

it’s not as bad as u think it is

Cameron: last time you said that, you had a panic attack in the lounge and then gabriel was here for the rest of the day

Chase: ok and?

gabriel’s probably a better doctor than i am anyway

much better bedside manner

Thirteen: house didn’t employ gabriel

he employed you, chase

Chase: thanks for stroking my ego

doesn’t change the fact that gabriel’s basically a better version of me

he’s chase pro max

Foreman: Gabriel’s bedside manner is excellent.

He’s very gentle and caring.

But you’re the better intensivist and surgeon.

That’s what you’re here for.

Chase: ok we were supposed to be making fun of house

come on how often do we get to do that

shut up about me and laugh at him instead

Cameron: you can’t run from your problems forever, chase

they’ll follow you, and catch up to you

House: just see a fucking shrink

Chase: WOW good idea house

never thought of that before

speaking of good ideas have you thought about grand larceny

House: what?

Chase: with regards to your chips and coffee

what’s stopping you from just walking off with the tray

House: that might be the smartest idea you’ve ever come up with

and you once stopped me from chopping off a little girl’s arm and leg

Cuddy: House, don’t you dare.

Chase, don’t encourage him.

Kutner: ‘grand larceny’ when we’re talking about ten bucks max worth of stuff is INSANE

Chase: cuddy will see it that way anyway

might as well state it as it is

Cuddy: I see stealing as stealing.

House, just put the food back.

You can eat when Wilson finishes whatever he’s doing and is free to indulge you.

Kutner: wilson’s probably busy right?

haven’t heard from him at all today

Thirteen: maybe talking to a cancer patient in his office

Chase: or hooking up with them

Cameron: no

Chase: ok lighten up 

it’s not like he hasn’t done it before

i’m sure he’s on the lookout for someone

House: like i said earlier

i am not putting the chips back

they’re the last pack

Kutner: what about the coffee

House: you want me to pour the coffee back into the coffee machine?

Kutner: oh

House: idiot

Thirteen: house, have you ever heard of the story of the monkey who reached into a hole for food, but then couldn’t pull its fist full of berries back out?

that’s what you’re like right now

House: you’re comparing me to a monkey?

why don’t you turn around and start comparing chase to a kangaroo instead

much easier to do

Chase: wtf

House: it fits so nicely

both natively australian

both blond

Foreman: Cool, you want us to check if Chase has a stomach pouch too?

House: that would be stupid 

and a waste of effort

just ask cameron

she’s seen him naked enough times to know

Cameron: house.

House: am i wrong?

Chase: no

Cameron: CHASE

Chase: what??

we’ve been together before

no point denying it

Cameron: you

sigh

House: so

does he have a stomach pouch?

Cameron: what

no?

House: aw

Cameron: house, he’s not a kangaroo

no matter how much you want him to be

House: what about a wombat?

shiny hair

round ass

Chase: WHAT

House: fits nicely too

again, go to cameron to confirm that last part

Wilson: what is it

i was pinged

House: finally you decide to appear

good morning, moron

Wilson: i was literally talking to a patient

you can’t just ping me whenever and expect me to answer immediately, house

House: damn

useless

taking new applicants to be my best friend

Foreman: Yeah, I’m sure there’ll be a snaking queue for that one.

Wilson: i’d be surprised if there’s a single person who wants to fill that role besides me

apparently i’m the only one crazy enough to put up with house’s bullshit

Chase: cuddy too

Wilson: cuddy and i are truly comrades on the vicious battlefield

House: wilson, i need ten bucks

Wilson: for what

House: food

Wilson: pay for it yourself

Kutner: would any answer have made you give him the money?

Wilson: only one

ransom

but since it’s not for a ransom he can deal with it on his own

House: this is a genuine emergency

i left my wallet in my other pants

Wilson: oh no!

anyway

House: you’re really going to let me starve?

Wilson: yes

next time don’t forget your wallet

great life lesson

House: alright, then i’ll just sit here with my tray

you guys can figure out the case without me

Kutner: …

fine i’ll pay

Taub: Kutner, pay for him and we’re no longer friends

Kutner: but he’s stuck there with no money

and we can’t solve the case without him

Foreman: Yes, we can.

He can stay down there, and we can start looking at the file and doing differentials.

Kutner: but

Taub: Get your ass back in the chair before I terminate our friendship contract

Kutner: …fine

House: can’t wait for them to come waddling down to the cafeteria to get my opinion when they find out they, in fact, can’t solve the case without me

Foreman: We’ll solve it, House.

We’re more than enough on our own.

House: like sad little ducklings

Chapter Text

PRINCETON-PLAINSBORO TEACHING HOSPITAL

     > #general

Chase: i need some serious validation

Kutner: why

what do u need us to validate

Chase: i nearly went to someone’s house and fucked them up

Thirteen: i mean, breaking into patients’ houses is not that uncommon for us

Kutner: but breaking in while they’re there?

and then confronting them in hand-to-hand combat?

rookie mistake

Chase: no

it was during clinic duty

a twelve year-old girl came in with pain in her pelvic region

i thought it was something common like appendicitis

i check her privates just in case

there’s tearing

Cameron: oh god…

Chase: the anger that hit me in that moment

i felt like breaking a window

and then just keep brawling my way through the hospital smashing everything in sight

Kutner: im so sorry chase

Chase: i told the mother it’s most probably rape

whatever happened to her daughter she has no clue about because she was just as shocked as i was

Thirteen: shit

did you follow-up with the process for sexual assault victims?

Chase: got the mother’s permission to swab for evidence

@Cuddy sorry i should’ve came to your office and told you about this in person

but i just haven’t stopped shaking for the past half hour

Cuddy: Which room is she in?

Chase: exam room 2

nurses should be finishing up the procedure

she’s probably still there

could you please go on my behalf to ask the mother if she wants to notify police

Cuddy: I’m going there right now.

Chase: thanks

i’m sorry i know you’re really busy

Cuddy: Chase, you just make sure you’re okay.

I know it must’ve affected you.

Chase: yeah i uh

i dunno

Thirteen: wru right now?

Chase: doctors’ lounge

just trying to stop shaking

Thirteen: i’ll come over with food

what do you want?

i’ll get stuff from the cafeteria

Kutner: i’ll come too

Chase: no guys it’s ok

i’m fine

seriously y’all have better things to do

Cameron: chase

it’s time to ask for help

you’ve kept things to yourself for too long.

Chase: i don’t need help

if i did i’d have asked

but this is just

it’s just

Cameron: i’m coming over

Chase: then i’m leaving

and i’m not telling any of you where i’m going

Cameron: chase, you stay.

@Thirteen @Kutner just go to the lounge asap

Kutner: otw

Chase: i left

don’t bother finding me

im not even in the hospital anymore

Cameron: chase, i WILL keep calling you.

Chase: i’ll turn off my phone then

Thirteen: chase i want to be very honest with you

we know what you’ve been through as a kid

we know your mother groped you while she was drunk

we know this must’ve been very triggering for you

Chase: stop talking

seriously 

you’re not helping

Thirteen: what if it’s sunny next?

and then he’s just a seven year-old lost in the city?

Chase: then let him be lost lmfao

maybe if you guys pray enough he’ll get hit by a car and they’ll bring him right back to princeton-plainsboro

see?

zero searching needed

Kutner: @House @Wilson @Cuddy @Foreman @Taub

House: what

i was having the most wonderful dream

better have a good reason for waking me up

Kutner: chase is lost

House: then ask him to fucking google maps his way back

he’s a grown ass adult he should know how to follow basic directions

im going back to sleep

Wilson: no

@House

read up

chase isn’t lost

he straight up ran away

Chase: i wouldn’t have if y’all had just left me alone in the doctors’ lounge

Cameron: okay

look, none of us will bother you

you go back to the doctors’ lounge and take as long as you need

at least then we know where you are if you have a crisis

Chase: right

i’m not stupid

thirteen and kutner are gonna be waiting for me aren’t they

Foreman: Chase, come back to the hospital right now.

You’re not in the right state of mind.

Chase: lol

no

House: come back, or you’re fired

Chase: like cuddy’s gonna allow that

Cuddy: Actually, I agree.

The mother agreed to file a police report.

And House is right, Chase.

You’re fired if you don’t come back.

Chase: wtf

Thirteen: i promise we’re not going to smother you

we just want to make sure you’re okay

Chase: fine

but if anyone mentions anything about my childhood again i’m leaving

idc if i get fired or not

Cameron: thank you, house

House: you all make sure the wombat comes back in one piece

otherwise i won’t have a body to fire

Kutner: :saluting_face:

aye aye captain

Taub: Insinuating that House is our ‘captain’ is disgusting as hell

Kutner: i mean isn’t he?

he’s the boss??

Taub: I like to live in blissful ignorance of that fact

And I succeed, most of the time

Thirteen: until he orders you to do an mri

Taub: That is one of the few occasions my illusion is shattered, yes

Wilson: @Chase do you need anything to eat or drink

i’m going to the cafeteria right now

Chase: i guess a tuna sandwich would be nice

Wilson: :thumbsup:

Cameron: i’ll make you some coffee

doctors’ lounge right?

Chase: yeah

coming back dw i didn’t go far

Thirteen: kutner and i will be there

we can laugh about house’s new haircut together

Kutner: LMFAO BRO

HE ACTUALLY LOOKS HILARIOUS

House: do that and i’ll fire all of you

Cuddy: No, you won’t.

Laugh about his hair all you guys want.

As long as it makes Chase feel better.

Chase: aw thanks cuddy

<3

Wilson: actually can i join

this sounds like a fun gathering

Thirteen: sure

House: ???

are you all conspiring against me?

Taub: On the way down too

This is too priceless to miss

Wilson: i actually haven’t seen him at all today

do u guys have any pictures

or do i have to walk past his office to get a peek

Thirteen: oh, we have pictures galore

come to the lounge

i’ve got a folder on my phone specifically for house’s new haircut

created today

17 photos

Kutner: wait 17??

that’s CRAZY when did u take them??

Thirteen: at various points this morning

Kutner: @House did you know about this

House: absolutely

Thirteen: not

if he knew he’d have threatened to fire me if i didn’t delete them earlier

Kutner: LMAOO

Thirteen: trust me

i am very discreet at collecting blackmail

Foreman: That’s kind of hot.

Thirteen: what, my excellent espionage skills?

Foreman: Yes.

The fact that you managed to circumvent House is really hot.

Chase: ah yes if it isn’t our singular goal working here

circumvent house

Cameron: chase are you coming?

Chase: yeah just walked through the front doors

coming soon

give me five minutes

Thirteen: cmon walk faster

everyone’s here already

we can’t laugh at house’s hair without you

Chase: i wouldn’t miss it for the world

don’t start without me

--------

PRINCETON-PLAINSBORO TEACHING HOSPITAL

     > #general

Kutner: SFLKFLAKKFSFKLFKHAFLKD

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Thirteen: i told you

it’s HILARIOUS

Taub: He looks at least ten years older

Chase: you know what

you guys were right

this was worth coming back for

Kutner: actual GOLD

Wilson: THIS IS ACTUALLY SO FUNNY

House: even my best friend’s turned against me

Wilson: that’s what best friends do

worst part about betrayal house?

it’ll always come from a friend

House: worst part about me punching you in the nuts wilson?

it’ll always hurt

Wilson: do you actually look like this right now?

what the fuck did they do to your hair?

House: .

it was a communication error

i told them to cut it a bit shorter

they gave me a buzz-cut

Chase: we gotta find that hairstylist and give him an award or something

because good god

he did great work

this is the best thing i’ve seen in a long time

Foreman: I’m in a meeting.

Send a picture.

Thirteen: but it’s so hard to pick the stupidest one out of the 17

Chase: they’re all so stupid fr

Foreman: Just send one.

Thirteen: okay okay

attachment23091.jpg

Foreman: .

Holy shit.

Wilson: my sides hurt from laughing

might have to admit myself if i catch another glimpse of that haircut ngl

Thirteen: it was totally worth texting under the table to get this picture, wasn’t it eric?

Foreman: Yes.

Yes, it was totally worth it.