Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Welcome to the Nolan Files.

Let's begin with a quick overview.

Nolan is a... troubled soul. Very dark inside.

Nolan was a gay boy. He managed to seduce me into the ring but I.. hastily declined, when I saw his 2 centemeter long dick. When he dropped his shorts, I realized that this wasn't a joke. I could barely see it.

But... that's beside the point.

Nolan was our... friend. But he... abandoned us... all 6 of us... we miss him dearly...

Not.

Nolan is a Nazi

Nolan is a Homophobe

Nolan is a Racist

Nolan is A LITTLE GAY BOY!

Nolan... is carrot.

And it all started...

In 2019...

So here. This is our life story. All 6 of us combined to write this. We share the same skin. Welcome to the Nolan Files.

Chapter Text

Part One.

Olden times.

Leo was an average Canadian soul, but not before he met the titanic. The titanic was his everything. He couldn’t even go five minutes without thinking about it…. But, as his love for the titanic grew, so did his catboyness sprout. He also began to desire other boats, like the queen mary… Before he knew it, he had a full pair of ears and a tail… But alas, the titanic was not all of his life. He began to search for new friends on the dark web, and after a good search, he began chatting with a new friend.
“hey there ummm do you ummmmm know anything about boats what’s your name XD” leo said nonchalantly in text
“heWWO my name is kittyXD no i don’t know anything about boats really….. :3” kitty said joyously
“Well… i’m just making new friends… i’m kind of a loner… do you happen to want to be friends….” leo cried (i know im adding these verbs but this is over text ok)
“great!!! yeah i know a few people!! is there anything else i should know?” she questioned
“Well, I am also a communist. and the titanic is my loving spouse.” he added
“oh 0.0 that’s … nice! but the titanic is so big.. how does that work?… N-nevermind! i’m getting ahead of myself! i think it’s time i introduce you to my bestie layla!!!!” kitty remarked
*layla was added to the group chat*
It may seem that they have their differences, but they bonded heavily over cat—furry stuff!
In the middle of a conversation, they talked about their hobbies!
(from now on i will use : because it is easier (ex: Leo: I hate poor people)
Layla: “so.., what are you guys hobbies? :3”
Leo: “uhhh uhh well uhhh do you guys want to meet FAHIM JACOB AND DUM?? their nice friends of mine…..”
Kitty: “uh yeah we were kind of talking about something but okay…”
*fahim jacob and dummerbo were added to the chat*
Dummerbo: “what’s up i like miners”
fahim: “*nonchalantly comes in the group chat*”
jacob: “hey sup im jacob and im greek”
kitty: “HII EVERYONE >

so exited to have new friends uwu”
fahim: “hey there sweet cheeks”
layla: “I just infiltrated the pentagon”
jacob: *greekly waves hi 👋🏻*
dummerbo: “woah yeah that’s cool but are there any minors i can infiltrate???”
After talking for a great while, they all got along PRETTY well, and decided to meet up on the dawn of the morning. Date: January 17, 2022
After all meeting up, they decided to all move into the same neighborhood in NEW JORK! WOO HOO! I AM TOTALLY NOT TOO TIRED TO WRITE THIS PART
they decided to hang out, and layla and leo go into a room alone.
layla: “hey haha wouldn’t it be funny if you were a little carrot haha i’m totally not going to cast the carrot spell on you haha”
leo: “yeah but how would i commit communism tho”
layla: “i guess you’ll have to find out haha!!!”
leo:”what”
*layla graphically cuts off all of his limbs*
layla: “don’t worry it’s just step one!”
leo: “AAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY LIMBS MY LIMBS WHAT DID YOU DO TO THEM MY LIMBS” *leos gaping bloody holes from where she tore off his limbs magically heal*
layla: “ok now i’m going to do a transformation!!!”
leo: “AAAAUUGHHHH MY LIMBS MY LIMBS”
*layla paints him orange and dyes his hair green, he is now identical to a carrot and nobody knows where he went!!! layla walks into the kitchen and she says she grew a carrot,, and she chops him up and puts him into a leo pop pie!(pop cat)*
Dummerbo: “hey where’s leo? and also do you know any mino”
jacob: “woahhh cool is that a pot pie and also i like egg guy”
layla: “NO. it’s a POP PIE. a LEO POP PIE.”
Fahim: “hey kitty!!! hey kitty!!!! hey ki”
jacob: “umm leo pop pie as in leo as in my friend ummm did you turn him into a carrot umm your going to jail missy that’s a no no.”
Dummerbo: “woahh… a.. *mouth breathes* food?….”
*inhales pop pie and accidentally cannibalized leo while layla is being taken to jail.*
Kitty walks in the room, unaware.
Kitty: “hey guys i smelled carrots!!! why are the police here?”
fahim: “i have a BIG BIG crush on you like BIG”
jacob: “Layla fucking made a POP PIE. a POP PIE with carrots and leo was made into a carrot and got eaten by fatass dummerbo. it’s the first sentence he’s said not about minors and it’s FOOD.”
dummerbo: “oh sorry guys!! anyways where’s the mino”
kitty: “wait. leo died? how will i tell the titanic???”
*breaks down crying*
kitty calls the titanic and arranges carrot leo’s funeral. everyone attends except layla because she turned him into a fucking carrot. even fahim he’s still nonchalant.
After greiving, kitty decides to start a new life without communism. She takes jacob dummerbo and fahim. she puts them all on the titanic. but right before they take off dummerbo fucking dies because he ate a human fucking carrot. jacob gets motion sickness and dies and kitty and fahim eat jacob when they are scarce of food. they use dummerbo as an anchor and tie him to a string when they reach EUROPE at 5:30 pm wednesday 2022. He holds it the whole time they are at the port, but the rope they tied him with somehow appears in his mouth when they bring him up. Fahim and kitty collectively decide to throw jacob’s bones in the water to hide evidence and they cut the rope attaching dum to the ship to hide other evidence too. After getting off the ship and arriving in italian they eat sooo much food and kitty REALLY GETS ANNOYED with fahim because he is gushing about her but she makes him overeat so that he inflates and she brings him to a fair to sell him as a “human balloon” and she sells it to a FIVE YEAR OLD. fahim screams but kitty says that it is just sound affects!!! she gets a huge house with a pool because the kid was rich and gave her a lot of money and she keeps the titanic in the pool and lives her best beach life being the only surviving one because layla was issued the death sentence after killing 837428 prisoners.
Jacob: eaten alive
Dummerbo/jack: Died of food poisoning after eating carrot nolan
Layla: Death sentence in jail
Fahim: Sold as a human balloon
Kitty: Alive in italy with the titanic

Chapter Text

Nolan and Kitty (Claire)'s Discord messages, 2025

July 03

N: Why are you so angry at God

C: No you

N: answer

C: Im not

N: Why are you mad at him

C: Im not mad

N: He loves you
He literally died for you

C: and i love YOU 😍😍😍😍🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰😇😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😜😜😜😜😜😜

July 13

N: Darci? More like fartsy
Get it
Because fart
And ry

C: I will kill my self

N: Oh
Don't do that
Your the only cool woman I've met

C: Thanks..
🌹🌹🌹IM USING MY ROSE TOY RIGHT NOW🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

July 28

N: Dummerbos awake
Let's move to the GC

C: ok
Bro wanted to privately message me

N: Who

C: you

N: so
Got a fucking problem you earthworm

2 Minutes later

C: You look like an alien seeing the first of natire
Poetic

N: ok well
You look like
A regular person
so
Syfm

C: Thanks for that
Im glad

August 09

C: did you change your mind on the never date thing LMAOOOOO

N: yeah
Baddies. To
Bro

C: HAHAHAHHH

N: You wouldn't understand

C: i would...

Probably 30 seconds later maybe messages inbetween I don't know

N: I'm getting jacked bro
Okay I was gonna take a picture and I didn't realize how tarded I looked

C: you are what

N: Muscles
Idiot

Later that day

N: hmm
Maybe
Lowkey focusing on my muscles right now tho

C: ok

N: Cuz it lowk makes it easier to pull

A few minutes later

C: Bro has estrogen displacement

N: No
What the fuck even is that

C: You wouldnt know
Canadian...

N: Apparently not
Lemmie test my pick up lines
Are you a lemon

C: No

N: Because I lowkey goon to you
Oh

C: What the fuck

N: Rate it out of -0
10

C: 8.9999

Later that day

C: You gotta stop using those slurs if you want a baddie

N: I only use the f one
I stopped doing the other one I promise
holy smokes cannot be this insane of a message

2 minutes later

N: Got any baddie friends send me their discord gang!!!

5 minutes later

N: Do you know any asian baddies

5 minutes later

C: Evil dummerbo enitiates period cramps

N: Yeah me too
I really want a baddie

Unknown Dates

- N: I only goon to Claire

- C: Tip shedding is a thing

N: What on earth could that possibly mean

C: When you rip it open and it bleeds and then you grow another 🫂🤗

N: How do I even respond to that

- C: bro was tryharding at grooming minors

N: goontastic
Can we roleplay next? 🤤🤤🤤😼😼😼😼😈😈😈

C: Kys

N: Was that a yes

Chapter Text

Nolan's discord messages 2025

August 09

N: Lord God, I come to you as a sinner
And I humbly repent for my sins
I believe that Jesus is Lord
I believe that You raised him from the dead
I would ask that Jesus come to my life
And be my Lord and Savior
I recieve Jesus to take control of my life
And that I may live for him from this day forth
Thank you, Lord Jesus, for saving me with your precious blood
In Jesus' name, amen

J: Amen

August 10 and past
Exact dates past unknown

N: I got a plan Jacob

J: Hey brother you good?
I just saw what happened

N: This plan is a good one

Sometime later
Miscellaneous messages

- N: NOT EVEN FUCKING GOD CARES ANYMORE
FUCK GOD
YOUR ALL BULLSHITTERS
LIARS
FUCK YOU
I REGRET ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
I HOPE I MADE YOU FEEL TERRIBLE
CANADA DOES NOT CARE ABOUT THE NATIVES

- N: I JUST IGNORED SOMEONE WHO WANTED TO HELP ME FOR OVER FOUR HOURS AND I COULDNT BE MORE PROUD OF MYSELF
I DONT EVEN KNOW YOU
WE LIVE ACROSS THE FUCKING CONTINENT YOU DONT CARE
LILLIE BLOCKED ME BE AUSE SHE KNOWS IM RIGHT
SMART MOVE PAL
I DONT CARE ANYMORE
JACK YOU CAN STOP WITH YHE ACT
I KNOW YIU DONT CARE EITHER

- C: what happened on the gc
huh
nvm
why did you unfrienda me 🥺
if it's the photos i sent im sorry

N: LIVING THE BEST I CAN

C: don't kys 💔

N: GOOD LIFE
GOODBYE

C: stay safe

- N: SEXUAL ASSULT IS OVERRATED
WE GET IT YOU WORE SOMETHING TOO REVEALING SHUT THE FUCK UP
MEN CANT GET RAPED
STOP BEING A FUCKING PUSSY

- P: Yo.
you good?
im genuinely concerned for you

N: I CANT TELL YOU SHIT
YOUR GONNA YAMMER TO JACK AND LILLIE

P: I promise i wont
Nolan you can trust me
Tell me whats happening
I wont tell anybody.

- N: You are not my friend, I don't even know you, you live across the continent
I don't consider you a friend at all
I'm not telling you shit
We are strangers

P: bet.

- C: a-are we still gooning together nolan chan

N: I have made a fatal mistake

C: FAG

Chapter Text

Nolan woke up in cold sweat. He was confused. Strangely, he suddenly started feeling… Lustful for women. One woman in particular. He had never felt that way for someone in his life. But who was the woman he felt this for? Claire. Oh no.

Sitting up, he went on to discord. He messaged his best friend, Jacob, looking for some answers, and possible guidance, as to why he was feeling this way.
N:”Jacob, i’ve been feeling weird lately.”
“very weird”

*Twenty minutes later, jacob wakes up, checking his phone.*

J:”What do you mean?”

N:”I think i wanna date women”

J:”What woman”

N:”Well.”
“I think i like Claire. i dont know what to do.”

J:”Idk man just tell her”

N:”But i know she would probably not like me”

J:”You shouldn’t keep it a secret”

N:”okay”

Nolan, confused and afraid, definitely not taking Jacob’s advice, decided to go silent for a day to clear his mind. He decided on one final option. Avoid any contact. Cut everyone off except for Jacob. Obviously, being friends with a woman would tempt him. Too much. Even if cutting off Jack too would make him look less suspicious, he would take the risk.

To distance himself the most as possible, he decided to take the problematic route. If she hated him, why would she try to contact him for answers?

Claire woke up, checking her phone to find 10 missed messages and that she was blocked by Nolan. She checked the group chat. Confused, she attempted to contact Jack. After a while of calling, they figured out that he was not joking. He unfriended Claire but not Jack. Strange. Claire was disappointed, but she saw it coming. He was acting weird lately.

*flashback to two days before*
N:”Hey girl are you a lemon?”
“Because I lowkey goon to you”
*flashback ends*

But this was fishy. Claire would always be silently searching for an answer, no matter how long it took.

A day after cutting them off, Nolan was filled with regret. Why would he be so stupid? At least if he asked he would have a chance. But of course, he had to act before he thought. And he didn’t think a lot. It was better to be embarrassed than hated by his crush!

So, to help him cope with this, he said something sweet to Jack, to maybe lighten the load a bit. Make Claire hate him less if Jack showed her.

N: “Hey man, never give up on the people that love you. I made that mistake and it haunts me to this day.”

D: “ok”

Little did Nolan know that he only made more of a fool out of himself.

To be continued

Chapter Text

Claire and Jack were giggling, making fun of Nolan on call, watching all his old embarrassing videos. Claire still had a Nolan shaped hole in her heart. But that’s against the point.

Nolan was depressed. He couldn’t stop thinking about his big screw up. The only way he knew how to apologize was walking to Claire’s house and being… formal… and genuine.. for once in his life. Very unlike him. So he got dressed.

For his outfit he decided on Nike shorts and an under armor shirt. Very fancy for him. Shit, where did his shoes go? No Nike? God, he was such a slob. Looks like he had to check in his messy ass closet. What was that? Oh no. The only shoes he had were flip flops. Great. Showing up at the girl of his dreams’s house with flip flops on. But he had no other option.

So, he walked out of the house. He realized he ate nothing. But, he was quite focused on getting exercise. Walking 9 miles with no food. He thought that was a great way to get jacked. Now just to walk it.

One mile in, he got bored. he was already sweating like he was in hell, but would never admit it.

By mile two, his flip flops started to melt.

Mile three and his legs could barely work.

At the fourth mile, he sat down to take a break. Everything hurt.
So, he stopped at a bench. He needed some form of relief. Of course, he pulled up a picture of Claire on his phone.

He stuck his hand down his pants.

After a little, he was finished and ready to walk around. But not without jerking it the entire way.

He kept his phone out, walking across the street. He was too focused on the picture of Claire (and his two centimeter dick) to notice the large Ford F-150 going at 90 mph towards him.

The truck went over him fast, dragging him under the wheel. He screamed in pain, and couldn’t pull his hands out of his pants. They were stuck. The hood of the car cracked his skull, making him pass out. Blood spewed everywhere, and large tire marks were left on him. The driver sped away, unaware of the atrocity that just occurred. He lay on the road, his hands still in his pants.

At least if he died, he died thinking of her.

At the autopsy, the doctors determined from the large tire marks that he was ran over. But his head was missing. He was unidentified, apart from that he was jerking off while his death. Because of Nolan being dropped in an unmarked grave, Claire never got that apology.

The end.

Chapter Text

Claire and Kristine were sitting at school, texting the groupchat on discord. And. Trying not to get caught with their phones out.

C: we should ALL call when we get home

K: and you guys can listen to my one-man show of heathers!!!!!

P: NO

K: WHY

D: Jacob didn't you say Nolan was talking to you earlier

J: Yeah he was talking about how much he missed you guys

C: WHAT

L: w-wanna be bakas? show ur kawaiiness...! wheres my schitzophrenia medication 😜😜

K: LAYZD E SHUT YOUR FUCK UP the. shurf the fuck up SHUT

The school bell rang, and Kristine and Claire left for the day, going home. Once Kristine arrived home, she threw her dirty, sweaty socks at their sister, jumped into bed and got on discord while listening to the Heathers and Undertale soundtracks. Everyone was online.

K: hey gusy

C: HI we are were just about to cal

K: ok 👍👍👍👍👍ok ok ok o

P: I'll get on but i'm not turning my mic on

K: yeah no shit

D: It's okay, daph! You're my favorite discord e kitten! 🤣🤣🤣✌️✌️

P: Shut

J: Guys get on I'll show you the Nolan messages

L: I THINK IM AUTISTIC GUYS I NEED SCHITZOPJRWNIA MEdication Im so autistic 😝😝

P:sends Forsaken meme

They all get on call, and Jacob shows everyone some messages from Nolan.

"N: I miss Lillie and Jack and Kristine and Layla and Phantoms
Why did I do that"

K: WHAT WHY ME

J: I don't know
He's been acting really weird ever since

C: we should send him messages

D: Didn't he block you guys

K: cummerbo YOU should be the carrier pigeon and send the messages FOR US

D: Uh
No

C: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

D: Fine what do you want me to say

K: "hey... remember me, kristine? well.. me and claire just wanted to share our engagement 🤪🤪. oh.. you.. *liked* her? that's awkward.. guess i stole your girl! ahuhuhu"

D: Dude

C: MY TURN
"to nolan,
you are a littl e fag boy fag boy with no women friend you cut me off because you are a weiner adn i yourmean to me
from claire also stop calling me lillie you sound like my math teacher"

K: ahuhuhu

D: I'm not sending that

P:sends Forsaken meme

C: yes do it

K: make sudre to get the ahuhuhu
ahuhuhu
ahuhuhu

D: Okay okay

Dummerbo sends the messages to Nolan, and Nolan sees them immediately.

Nolan cries. How DARE Kristine steal HIS woman? Fag. Claire was his. Kristine is only a side piece.. She'll come back to him soon.

But wait. He came up with an idea. Didn't he still have Claire's adress?

He stole his Mom's car and drove across the country to Claire's house. He bought some flowers and chocolate along the way, and a weight so he could show off his muscles. They were the size of a 10 year old boy's.

When he arrived at Claire's house, something felt off. There were shadows in her bedroom window, and the curtans were shut. Maybe.. Layze was over, and they were watching a movie. Yeah.

He knocked on the door, and he could hear some loud.. noises- from upstairs. Weird.

Suddenly, Kristine answered the door. Their hair was messy, and their clothes were disheveled.

K: NOLAN???? I was just fucking your woman, dude!

N: YOU WHAT

Claire came downstairs, red and fixing her hair.

C: N-NOLAN CHAN?????

Nolan noticed her appearance and got very angry. How did the fag Kristine lay a girl before him?? He threw the flowers and chocolate at the ground, and ran away, crying.

K: YEAH RUN AWAY LITTLE BOY

C: Oh, Kristine-Chan, how I love you..

K: Can we eat an entire jar of nutella

C: Yeah :)