Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

            "Anakin?" Ahsoka whispered in the dark room. It wasn't really appropriate to be calling this late. She’d fought with the temple guards downstairs, they hadn’t wanted to let her in. She wasn’t sure how, but she’d somehow convinced them to let her see Anakin. Which considering the circumstances around her departure amazed her, since everyone but him had truly believed she’d been responsible for the temple bombing. And even though she’d been proven innocent, she doubted they’d ever trust her again. Just like she was sure she’d never be able to trust them again either. Not like she had before anyways. She wasn't a Jedi anymore. She didn't belong here. But she missed him. And she was scared.

            She'd been having nightmares for awhile now. Horrible things. Far worse than anything she'd witnessed on the front lines of the war. But worse than the pain and gore and fear, was that they always ended the same way; losing him. They'd not talked since she left. She should have called first, but she didn't have the guts. She was afraid he wouldn't answer. So, she'd opted to come instead, in the middle of the night. If he were here, she doubted he'd be sleeping.

            But his room was empty. She'd gotten no response when she'd called his name. But she didn't feel him here either. She paused at a table covered in all sorts of spaceship models, trinkets and half worked on projects. Anakin loved to tinker. He loved working with his hands. He could get lost in machines and geek out over the way they worked. She'd never found them nearly as fascinating, but she loved listening to him talk about them. Anything that made him happy, made her happy. 

            She picked up a model and turned it over in her hands. The craftsmanship was impeccable, his attention to detail spot on. She brought it to her chest and sighed. He couldn't be hers. She knew that. But it didn't stop her from wanting him. She secretly had hoped that now that she was older, he'd see her in a different light. That was if he could forgive her for leaving. Could he possibly have missed her too?

            She set the spaceship model back down carefully. Running her hand along the edge of the table. As she moved towards his bed, something caught her eye and she leaned over to get a closer look. There on the bedside table was a small stand that held both her lightsabers and her padawan beads. She stared at it in disbelief. She'd thought for sure her lightsabers would be taken by the council and either destroyed or repurposed. How had he ended up with them? And her beads? He'd kept them all this time? 

            She picked up her lightsabers, feeling them in her hands. Oh, how she'd missed them. They were just a thing; a possession, but in a way, they’d been her friend. Keeping her safe, protecting her. She still had the force, but she'd often felt so empty without them hanging from her belt. They weren't hers to keep anymore, however. She put them back on the stand and turned away.

            The truth was, she didn't miss the order like she thought she would. There were small things she missed; the serene temple garden bathed in afternoon sun, the smell of blossoms that whirled around you in the wind, the sense of peace and history wandering through the hallways, the excited chatter of younglings as they discussed the days lessons... but what she missed the most, wasn't the place, or the council, or the structure, or the order... it was him. Her master, her best friend. The only person she'd been completely herself with. She'd trusted him, admired him, looked up to him and yes, loved him. Even though it was against the rules. 

            Those rules didn't apply to her anymore, but they still did to him. And she couldn't ask him to give it up for her. She held out hope though, that when the war was over... maybe he'd change his mind about being a Jedi, since she already knew he didn’t want to be one forever. Maybe they could team up again in a different way. Because even when the fighting stopped there would still be plenty to do to help people recover and rebuild. Oh and of course, she’d made him a promise back on Zygerria that she’d help him end slavery in the galaxy once and for all. Though she wasn’t sure if that were possible, she wanted to try. She’d barely had a glimmer of what it was like to be a slave, that was a reality he’d lived, and it disgusted her beyond reason. Especially when she’d seen the value people had placed on her own people. That they weren’t seen as equals, only something to break like animals. But slavery wasn’t exclusive to her people, despite aliens being seen as less than humans in many places around the galaxy, humans had been made slaves too. 

            She looked up and stared at the poster that hung on the far wall. The Boonta Eve Classic. She knew nothing about podracing, but she knew it meant something to him. Anakin didn’t like to talk about his past, but it was the one thing in her quick perusal of his room that he’d kept that had any connection to Tatooine. She sat down on the edge of his bed and remembered their first mission together. She’d been so excited to go to Tatooine, the idea of seeing the planet he was from. But all that excitement had faded when she’d seen how little he loved that place. She’d felt the pain that coursed through him, she’d watched him clench his jaw and fight a rising tide of memories and suffering. How much of it had been his life as a slave and how much had been the loss of his mother? He didn’t talk about his past, but she knew she’d died right before the war. She’d overheard Master Yoda talking to Obi wan about it. She’d wanted so bad to reach out to him when she’d found out, there’d been a visible difference in him as the event had clearly marked a before and after in his life.

            But Anakin had never cared about younglings. He’d never noticed her, and she’d doubted he’d pay any attention to her at all, even if she’d braved it. Too afraid of his rejection, she’d kept her distance. At least until she’d been summoned by master Yoda and sent to Christophsis to become his padawan. She’d wondered then, why. Just as she still did now. The more she thought about it now though, the less it made sense. She’d been far too young. Padawans were never chosen until they were nineteen or twenty. And though Togruta matured faster than humans, it wasn’t common for the Jedi to ignore their own rules. They’d claimed it was because she was the top of her lightsaber classes, they’d said she was more than ready. She’d believed them. But now… she wondered if there were other reasons they’d assigned her to him. Attachments were forbidden, but it almost felt as though they’d chosen her to be his padawan because of her attachment to him already.

            Despite being a loner herself and mostly unnoticed or overlooked, she doubted that none of the masters had noticed her interest in him. She’d followed him around the temple, she could almost always be found watching him practice.

            She saw a spare robe hanging over a chair and picked it up. It still smelled like him. She held it close trying not to cry. She hadn't lost him yet. And if there was any way to prevent those nightmares from happening, she wouldn't lose him at all. She wrapped it around her, pulling it on over her tunic and sat down on the floor by his bed. She leaned on the mattress, resting her head on her arms, willing herself to stay strong. She hated how weak she felt missing him. Where had her strong, fearless self gone? Likely, it had been left here with him. 

---

            It was the early hours of the morning when he returned from his patrol. He was exhausted. Too many sleepless nights left him wondering if he'd ever known what sleep was. Likely he'd fall into bed only to have it elude him yet again and he'd end up meditating just to get through the next day. He was worn down from the war and the physical and mental demand. Not even the rare moments with his wife brought him any sort of peace or comfort. No more than a meditation retreat would even. 

            He pushed the button to his room at the temple and froze in the doorway. The room was dark, so he couldn't see anything, but it felt like... well it felt like Ahsoka. Which didn't make any sense. She hadn't been here for nine months; her lingering presence should have faded by now. But what had hit him felt fresh and strong.

            His heart leapt in his chest. Had she come back? If she wanted to return, he'd do whatever it took to make sure she could be a Jedi again. He closed his eyes and breathed her in, feeling the tension in his muscles ease for the first time in ages. He hated admitting to himself that her presence was far more soothing than even Padmé's. His wife had been comforting at first, but as their secret relationship had gone on and they'd faced difficulties and had problems, his fears that swirled around her, tended to make everything tighter inside him. 

            With Ahsoka, he'd been able to let down his guard. He'd missed her, so much. Somewhere along the road, she'd become his best friend. He trusted her completely. He never had to explain himself to her; she never judged him or made him feel undeserving. When she'd left, he'd felt lost. So lost. To the point that he'd been sure he'd never find his way again.

            When he'd taken her on as his apprentice, he'd never imagined he'd be the one that became dependent on her. He thought he'd have a clingy teenager to worry about all the time, but she'd been nothing like that at all. She was fiercely independent, strong and powerful. She was a little too idealistic sometimes, but she was wise beyond her years. She was sharp and quick witted and even when they bickered, he loved all of it about her. She'd always seemed to know when he was down or struggling to get through the latest batch of pain and she'd tell a story or do something to distract him and make him feel better.

            It wasn't until after she left that he'd realized just how little he'd appreciated her. And how badly he'd needed her. She had been a light in the daily grind, something to look forward to. Somebody that could always cheer him up no matter how bad he felt. Even in the moments she was scared, or worried or unsure, she radiated light. And anybody that knew her, knew that. Or so he'd thought. The moment there'd been the slightest doubt about her loyalty, they'd thrown her out. 

            His hand balled into a fist and he took a deep breath. He had mixed feelings when it came to Ahsoka these days. He missed her dearly but thinking about her often led him to anger.

            He sighed and took off his belt and gloves. Along with the outer armor of his robes and boots. Then he pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it aside.

            He froze before dropping into bed. In the small bit of morning light drifting in through the blinds, he saw her sitting there on the floor, asleep as she laid against his bed. He tipped his head to the side, was that his robe she was wearing? He should be angry that she was here, but instead, he felt the excitement burst in his chest.

            He didn't know why she was here, but he was glad she was. He knelt down in front of her and brought his hand to her cheek. Her skin was soft and cool to the touch. "Ahsoka?" He whispered.

            She stirred a little but didn't wake. He glanced up at the chrono by his bed and saw that he had at least four hours before he was expected to be anywhere. Without another thought, he scooped her up and laid her gently down on the bed. Then he crawled in next to her and pulled the blankets up. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close.

            The feel of her deep breathing against him made his muscles relax and he drifted off, finally feeling like he'd get some real rest for a change.

Chapter Text

            She yawned, feeling the need to stretch, only to find that she couldn’t move. Before she could panic, she heard a soft snore behind her. It was only then that she remembered she’d fallen asleep in Anakin’s room in the Jedi temple. He hadn’t been there when she had though, so he must have returned at some point during the night. She shifted enough to look down and see his arms wrapped tightly around her. Well at least she now knew why she couldn’t move.

            She’d been so worried that he’d be angry to see her again, it hadn’t really occurred to her that he’d missed her as much as she’d missed him. She closed her eyes again and listened to his breathing for awhile, smiling at the way he felt against her. She opened her senses and felt his heartbeat, breathing in his presence and letting it wash away her fears and insecurities from the past nine months.

            Leaving him had been the hardest choice of her life, but one she’d had to make. She just hadn’t expected it to be so painful. She’d known it would be difficult for the mere fact that she knew nothing about surviving outside the temple. But to see him repeatedly on the news and not be able to talk to him or comfort him? Especially as she watched the lines on his face get deeper and deeper as time wore on? Every day she’d wanted to talk to him again, and every day she’d resisted the urge, both out of uncertainty that he’d even want to talk to her, but also the need to find herself before she could return to him. And as it was, she really didn’t think she could return. Walking through the hallways hadn’t felt comfortable in the least and being reinstated as a Jedi she doubted would change that feeling. Walking into his room however, being near him again, was the only thing that felt right about being here now.

            It wasn’t that they’d always slept together, in fact it had happened maybe a dozen times in the course of their friendship. Only in moments where the battles had been so rough they needed each other just to survive the night. Most often it had only been a need to be close to someone, but a few times it had extended to a need to forget. So, though it had startled her that he’d picked her up and pulled her close to lay with her again, it wasn’t like it was the first time it had ever happened. She just hadn’t expected it to happen again so easily.

            The last thing she wanted to do right now was disturb him, because their intimacy had come about mainly as a way to help him sleep. And she’d been glad to do whatever it took to help him with that. From as early as she could remember, she’d known he didn’t sleep well and with the pressure of the war and leading his men, was something she’d been certain could cost his life. The force could only sustain you for so long, the body needed rest as much as the mind.

            But even though she didn’t want to wake him when he so badly needed sleep, she wanted to turn over, so she could look at him again. Not through the stupid holonews footage, but in person. Was it as bad as it had seemed? She very carefully started maneuvering so she could face him. He stirred a bit and a few times tangled her up tighter making it even harder to move, but eventually she eased herself around and studied his face.

            It was still somewhat dark in his room, though the sun was beginning to rise. She could see fine; her eyesight was better than most. He didn’t look half bad, all things considered. There was a faint echo of deep lines under his eyes, but most of them seemed to have melted away. Had her fears gotten the better of her and things really weren’t as bad as they’d seemed, or had she been able to help him some by being here again?

            She swallowed hard. As much as she wanted to stay here with him, she couldn’t be a Jedi again. Not after what happened. Maybe when the war ended she could consider it. But as long as she had to answer to the council during high pressure situations, her faith in them was far too shaky to not put everyone around her at risk; especially him. So, though she’d told him that leaving hadn’t been about him, it had in a way. Mainly in the way of protecting him. Not because he’d done anything wrong. If anything, he was the only one that hadn’t done anything wrong. But to keep him safe, she couldn’t in good conscience follow him through battles doubting everything. One misstep, one moment of hesitation could mean the difference between life and death; for him, for her and for everyone else they were responsible for. And she would not be the reason any of his men got killed. They deserved better.

            He looked surprisingly peaceful as she watched him breathe, his forehead was against her shoulder, where he’d shifted when she’d finished moving. She had to pull her arm out of the sleeve of his outer robe she was still wearing in order to reach up and brush the hair out of his face. He made a soft, relaxed sighing sound when her fingers made contact with his skin. She’d always wondered about the nature of his relationship with Padmé. She knew they spent nights together, were they like this too? Did they have the same intimacy? She secretly hoped not. She wanted to believe what she had with him was special, that he turned to her for things he couldn’t get somewhere else, not just because she was convenient. If the latter was true, she hoped she never knew for sure. But what did she really know about relationships anyways? What they were doing tonight wasn’t exactly forbidden, but their reasons for doing it were. At least to the Jedi.

            She briefly wondered if any of the temple guards had noticed she’d never left, but then decided she wasn’t going to stress about it as long as no one was pounding down his door to make her leave. Though now that she thought about it, she should probably get going before too many people woke up. That would be an incredibly awkward thing to explain, especially to one of the masters.

            But no matter what her brain told her she should do, she couldn’t bring herself to escape his arms. She wanted to stay in them forever, but that wasn’t possible, not right now, maybe not ever. He had other things he wanted in life, other people to hold, she was only something temporary, something that got him through moments away from the other. 

            She moved to kiss him softly on the forehead. When he woke up would she be able to explain why she’d come? Would he listen to her fears? Would he do something to make sure they didn’t happen? Or would he dismiss her like she deserved after leaving him in such a way?

            “Mmm,” he moaned softly and nuzzled into her further. She ran her fingers lightly down his cheek and dropped them to his shoulder and down his arm. Sometimes she was certain she loved him too much. She wasn’t sure if that were possible, but if it was, she definitely did. Until the trial, her whole world had revolved around him. Maybe it still did.

            In the beginning, she’d admired him only from a distance; watching, listening, learning. Every time she saw him or was near him, she felt this aching to reach to him, to know him. She’d never understood that longing because it was something she’d never experienced with anyone else then or now. Even Lux, whom she’d liked and enjoyed his company and attention, had never made her feel the same ache. After their adventure with death watch, she’d watched him leave in sorrow and disappointment, perhaps in the awareness of a missed opportunity or something. But after he’d left, her thoughts of him had been fleeting, her need to find him again, nonexistent. Why? Because she had Anakin. When he was around her, no one else mattered. Not the same way, anyways. 

            She’d been surprised and excited when Lux had called the council to save Onderon, even more excited when Anakin had agreed they should go. But the entire time near him, her heart had been at war. Though happy to see him again, her feelings were changing. He no longer sparked her interest the same way, she felt cold streaks of jealousy when he’d turn his eyes towards Steela. And then there’d be Anakin nearby, who kept noticing her wandering attention. 

            In some ways, it had felt almost like he was giving her permission to pursue her feelings with Lux, while simultaneously confusing her with his own streaks of jealousy. Sometimes he’d asked her if she was losing focus which she’d adamantly denied but in truth was probably exactly what happened. And that’s when she made a choice to let go. She let go of her feelings for him, deciding that it was for the best. If Steela was who made him happy, who was she to get in the way?

            She sighed. She’d done the same with Anakin. Maybe not to the same level, since she clearly hadn’t been able to stay away. But she’d backed out of his life, believing that she’d never be the one that made him happy, that she’d never be the one he’d choose. And some days she was okay with that choice, and other days she regretted it completely. Not even Nyx, whom she’d met shortly after leaving, who’d been nothing but sweet and supportive of her had filled the place in her heart that belonged to Anakin. Maybe nothing or no one ever would. 

            She closed her eyes and chased away the thoughts. Wrong or right, Anakin was the only one she truly wanted. Returned or not, Anakin was the only one she truly craved. Allowed or forbidden, would never make the feelings fade. Nine months apart hadn’t even dented them. They burned as brightly today as they ever had, and she wished for nothing more in the universe than for him to feel the same about her. So she supposed, since she knew that would never happen, the words she’d never say would spread like a wildfire until she was nothing but an empty shell. 

            But even if she couldn’t keep him, or stay with him, she still had to make sure those nightmares never came to pass. The thought of losing him forever was far more painful than unrealized dreams or unrequited love. 

            She took a deep breath and cuddled into him further, savoring every second she got to be with him again, no matter how fleeting it would be. The longer she put off tomorrow, the less painful it was. 

            She’d just about managed to fall back asleep when his comm went off and startled her. She turned to get out of his way, but he pulled her back. At first, she wasn’t sure if he was doing so still half-asleep or if he knew exactly what he was doing. But then he nuzzled into her skin.            “Don’t go,” he breathed, his hot breath sending a trickle of excitement through her. 

            “But...”

            “It can wait.” She wasn’t sure she agreed with him on that, but who was she to run away when he clearly wanted her to stay? But was he even alert enough to know it was her or did he think he was with Padmé? Who cared? Every second longer she got to be with him was one more than she’d hoped for.

            It went off again a few minutes later, and again he ignored it, but she felt the tension rising in him and wasn’t sure if it was because he was being called away or awake enough now for the pain to return. 

            “I swear if it goes off again I’m going to break it,” he muttered, moving so he could untangle her from the giant robe she was wearing so he could pull her closer still. It was warm in the room, or just warm in general now that she was conscious enough of his closeness and his bare chest, and the protective and almost possessive way he held her. She was amazed she’d survived the night without getting overheated between the heavy robe and his embrace. 

            “Anakin,” she breathed, not really wanting to ruin the moment, but also feeling the guilt creep in that he’d probably get in trouble for ignoring the summons or his duty just to stay with her. Actually, that would probably get him into more trouble. She started to move but he tightened his grip. She stopped fighting him after a moment and laid her head back. “I’m keeping you from something, aren’t I?” she asked finally.

            “Nothing important,” he said.

            “I don’t want you to get into trouble...”

            “I don’t care.”

            “But...”

            “I’m not letting you go, Ahsoka. Go back to sleep.” She stared at him in surprise for a moment but smiled in spite of herself. He’d sounded gruff, like he sometimes got when he was ordering people around, but she hadn’t been able to ignore the excitement that had pulsed through her when he’d said that. She didn’t want to hope for things that seemed so impossible but maybe nine months had changed things. It also meant he knew full well it was her there and that was exactly what he wanted right now. 

            She suddenly no longer cared what kind of trouble they could get into. Anakin still wanted her, even if it was only for a few more hours, the thought alone lifted her spirits considerably. And she happily cuddled back into him and drifted off feeling much better about everything.

---

            The light was flooding his room when he woke up again. It was late morning, according to the chrono he’d overslept by several hours. But considering how little he actually got good sleep, all he’d have to say was that he’d needed the sleep. She was breathing deeply against his chest and he wanted to stay like that forever. For the first time since she’d left, he actually felt okay again. He didn’t know why she’d come back, but he was so glad she had. Though as his foggy brain started clearing, he’d hated how she’d tried to slip away again when his comm had gone off.

            It was a good thing he’d been right about the call not being that important, because he could have gotten into a lot of trouble if someone had come to get him; especially Obi wan. He rolled his eyes and sighed. He was tired of caring what everyone else thought. He’d needed her far too badly to apologize for it and if she was here, even just for the night, he was going to appreciate every second of it. And prolong it if possible.

            He smiled to himself as he watched her face. Maybe he didn’t care if he got into trouble. Maybe it would finally give him a reason to leave. Every day since she’d left had made it harder and harder to keep going. If she’d left, maybe he could too. But then he’d remember how many people were counting on him, how many people expected him to save everyone and he’d against his better judgement, come back and keep pushing forward.

            Not only did the Jedi believe he was some Chosen One sent to save everyone, the Chancellor believed he was the only one that could truly save the Republic. Though he hated that the Jedi didn’t give him more power to do so. Talk about the pressure. He didn’t want to abandon Rex or his men either. But how long could he keep doing this before it killed him. How could he let everyone down just because he was a little tired? Or just because he selfishly wanted things the Jedi wouldn’t let him have?

            “I needed you, Ahsoka,” he whispered. “Why did you leave me?” After awhile, she’d become the only thing that made surviving the constant conflict bearable. As long as she was next to him it felt like things might be okay. How? Well that was something else entirely, but she was hope. Her optimistic attitude made him believe in it too. Without her, that hope had faded so fast, he doubted he’d even felt it since the day she’d walked away. He’d tried to mimic her positive attitude, but it had never worked. Because without her, he wasn’t positive. 

            She’d really hurt him when she left. It had made him believe nothing they’d shared had meant anything at all. But he also couldn’t blame her for leaving. After what the Jedi council had done to her, how could she truly stay anyways? He’d known since early in their relationship she struggled to trust people, a betrayal like that was something she would not easily recover from. And he was still angry at the council for it, especially Master Kenobi and Master Plo. Of all people, they should have known she’d never do anything like that, but they’d stood by and let her fall as though they didn’t care in the least what that meant.

            He barely had time to react when the door to his room opened seconds after someone knocked. All he’d managed to do was throw the blanket up over Ahsoka’s head, but because she was laying on his arm, he couldn’t turn over to greet whoever it was. Not like he had to wonder, only Obi wan just walked right in. Should he pretend to still be asleep or would that cause him to come over and move the blanket?

            “Anakin,” came his master’s voice. 

            “Hmm?” he feigned waking up as though for the first time.

            “You missed the briefing this morning.”

            “Sorry, master,” he said with a yawn. “I haven’t been sleeping well lately and I guess it caught up with me.” He really hoped if Ahsoka had woken up or woke up, that she’d know better than to move or make a sound right now.

            “Well you’re lucky there wasn’t a lot of new information, because I can just pass it on to you.” He heard Obi wan sit on the squeaky stool near his table and screwed up his face in frustration. How could he get him out of here before he found out?

            “Can you give me a few minutes to wake up first?” he asked hopefully, knowing full well that it wouldn’t be that easy to get rid of him. But before Obi wan could respond or he could say anything else, Ahsoka sneezed and he cringed. Kriff.

            “What was that?” Obi wan asked, standing up again and coming closer to the bed.

            “Uh, I sneezed?” he lied, glancing over his shoulder and doing his best to look innocent.

            “Since when do you sneeze so gently or quietly?” Obi wan grabbed the blanket and threw it off them.

            “Hi master Kenobi…” she squeaked in embarrassment.

            “Ahsoka?” Obi wan asked in surprise. “What are you doing here?”

            “Uh, I came to talk to Anakin.”

            “That sure looks like talking.” Obi wan crossed his arms.

            “Well, he wasn’t here when I came in and I must have fallen asleep on the floor waiting for him to get back,” Ahsoka whispered nervously, but he noticed she made no move to leave his arms and he tightened his hold on her, feeling suddenly annoyed.

            “It’s not her fault, master,” he said indignantly. “When I saw her on the floor, I picked her up so she could sleep on the bed. I sure as hell wasn’t going to throw her out if she came to me in the middle of the night.” If he were standing, he’d have taken a very specific stance that sometimes got Obi wan to back down.

            “And how long has this been going on?”

            “What do you mean by that?” he asked in frustration. “This is the first I’ve seen her since she left the order.”

            “It’s true, master,” Ahsoka jumped in.

            “Well since you’re both adults, I can’t really say anything,” Obi wan trailed off as though he were mumbling to himself. “But you both know that attachments are forbidden for Jedi.”

            “So what?” Anakin said, reluctantly pulling his arm out from under her and sitting up. “I’ve tried so hard to follow every stupid rule the order has enforced, but I’m not just going to stop caring about my padawan, er… Ahsoka, just because she’s not one of us anymore.”

            “Anakin…”

            “Stop it!” He leapt out of bed. “You hate that I don’t talk to you about my problems, but this is why! Every time I try, you cut me off. You lecture me, you belittle me. Ahsoka is my best friend and what your precious council did to her was incomprehensible. I am attached to her and if that’s a problem, then fine, I’ll leave. I haven’t seen or heard from her in nine months, I’ve missed her. And if she came to me in the middle of the night, she must have had good reason.” He was pacing now. “So, stop acting like you know everything, because you don’t. For all the fabled compassion Jedi are supposed to have, none of you know what it means.”

            Obi wan looked stunned for a moment, his mouth working like he was trying to figure out how to turn this against him yet again and then finally he sighed. “So why are you here, Ahsoka?” he asked finally, dropping back onto the stool and looking somewhat defeated. He turned his attention back to Ahsoka who had sat up and was looking between them with wide eyes.

            “Uh…” She looked suddenly nervous, glanced at him and then down at the floor. He watched her take a deep breath to steady herself. “I’ve been having nightmares,” she admitted after a few minutes.

            He blinked a few times in surprise and then moved over to sit down on the bed next to her. Ahsoka had never really had nightmares before. Only a few times that he could recall. And last time she’d had them, she’d acted on them, which had ultimately saved Padmé’s life. If the nightmares were bad enough for her to come here to see him that was not a good sign.

            “What kind of nightmares?” he asked, putting his arm around her shoulders and pulling her closer.

            “Well, the details vary, but they always end the same way.” She played with her hands.

            “How do they end?” he asked gently.

            “I lose you,” she whispered, emotion choking her voice. “And it’s not just a matter of us no longer being friends or something,” she added quickly. “It’s like there’s a void. You just vanish. I can’t feel you anymore, only a hole where you were.”

            “Can you remember any other details about it?” he asked nervously, not liking the way her voice had pitched higher or the fear he could feel in her words.

            She glanced at Obi wan who was sitting forward and studying her intensely. “Just a kind of raspy breathing. I can’t ever see anything, but it hurts, like a physical pain. I just hear the breathing and feel draped in… in…” He squeezed her again hoping to encourage her to continue, but she shook her head and buried her face in his chest. “Anakin,” she breathed after a few minutes. “I think it’s worse than death. I don’t know what causes it but… you transform somehow, into something awful.”

            He hugged her tightly against him and looked over her head at master Kenobi. He looked lost in thought, mulling over her words as though they’d hardly sent the same icy chill racing through his veins.

            “I should talk to the council about this,” Obi Wan said finally.

            “No please don’t!” Ahsoka said quickly, sitting up again.

            “Why ever not?” Obi wan asked in surprise.

            He looked between Obi Wan and Ahsoka in confusion. He didn’t want to tell the council either, but he couldn’t shake the image Ahsoka had painted in his head. For her to be that afraid meant that whatever it was, was really bad. Really bad. Because Ahsoka was fearless. Well not in the normal use of that word. She had plenty of fears, but they never stopped her from doing things. She was fearless because she could overcome them. She’d do whatever she believed was right, no matter how terrifying it was or no matter how hard it could be or even no matter what evil she had to face. And though the Jedi council had shaken her faith, he highly doubted that had changed.

            So, if she was afraid enough to come here to tell him about these dreams, she clearly didn’t believe the council would handle it. Maybe she didn’t believe they could stop it from happening. He looked at her again as she bit her lip and looked down at the floor as though uncomfortable. He suddenly understood why she’d come back. 

            He stood up and felt their eyes follow him as he threw on his shirt and outer robe, hooking his belt into place. Then he pulled on his boots and gloves. He picked up his robe she’d been wearing when he came in and tossed it to her, grabbing another from the closet and swinging it around his shoulders. 

            “Where are you going?” Obi Wan asked, as Ahsoka put the robe on and caught her lightsabers he tossed her that had been on his bedside table. He clipped his back to his belt.

            “I’m leaving,” he said finally, after he’d gathered everything he didn’t want to leave behind.

            “But...” Obi Wan started.

            “Thank you, Master,” he interrupted. “For training me. For looking out for me. For doing the best you could.”

            “Wait,” Obi Wan said as they made it to the door. “Why are you leaving? We can talk to the council, there’s no reason we can’t prevent this from happening. If that’s even what the nightmares mean.” Did he actually sound disappointed or sad that he was leaving the order? Considering how tired of keeping him in check he always was, he’d have thought Obi Wan would be relieved to not have to deal with him anymore.

            “You won’t understand,” he muttered, glancing at Ahsoka. She was standing next to him near the door, she looked sad, but based on her silence, she knew he’d figured it out. She was looking at Master Kenobi as though she wanted to say something, but she kept her mouth shut.

            “Try me.” Obi Wan crossed his arms. 

            He took a deep breath. “The Jedi order can’t stop it,” he said finally. “If they could, she would have gone to you or the council directly, but she didn’t. She came to me.”

            “Well you two have always been close...”

            “She came to me. Because she knew I was the only one that would listen to her. The only one that would believe her. But there’s another reason...” he sighed. “She didn’t come here to warn me. She came here to get me.”

            “I’m sorry, Master Kenobi,” she whispered. “But it’s the only way to prevent it.”

            “If you’re going to transform into some dark monster, then away from the order is exactly where you shouldn’t go,” Obi Wan said stubbornly.

            “I knew you wouldn’t understand,” he mumbled. “Come on, Ahsoka.” He put his arm around her shoulders and led her outside.

Chapter Text

            She studied him out of the corner of her eye as they walked across the plateau towards the stairs she’d left on before. She was grateful he was coming away with her, but confused. She’d hoped when she’d gone to the temple last night that she could convince him to leave, but she hadn’t expected it to be so easy. Obi Wan being there when she’d woken up the second time had only complicated the whole thing, but just maybe... it was because he was there that Anakin had been so willing to walk away. 

            But as she watched the side of his face, she was surprised by what she saw. He didn’t look angry, or afraid, or even that he was regretting this. If anything, he looked relieved. As though maybe she’d come and rescued him just in time. Obi Wan really didn’t get it, that’s why she hadn’t gone to him or the council.

            Leaving the order and leaving Anakin had been the hardest decision she’d ever had to make, but what she’d learned since leaving is some of why she didn’t want to go back. Though she believed at their core they were good, that they did good things for the galaxy, her trial had shone a light on how far the war had twisted them. The Jedi should never have been put in a position in which they had to choose between doing what was right and losing favor with the Republic. And though she might never be able to completely forgive their betrayal of her, she understood now that they’d believed they had little choice.

            If they fell out of favor with the senate or the public, they’d be pulled from the war effort; essentially dooming thousands of worlds to fates worse than death. So true to their beliefs, they’d chosen the greater good over the life of one of their own. But where they failed, was that in times of war, that same methodology doesn’t always work and can’t possibly end well for anyone. Least of all... she reached out and intertwined her fingers in his hand. Him. 

            Because Anakin cared too much. And their decisions were throwing him into a constant state of conflict between what they had taught him to do and what he truly believed. The more twisted it became, the more confused he’d become and when it hit breaking point, Anakin would follow his heart. And his heart would lead him down a darker path. Not because attachments or fear led to the dark side, like they preached, but rather because in his need to care and do what he truly believed was right, he’d reach for the people that have only shown him tenderness. Not the people that kept him at arm’s length or taught distance and control. 

            But still he was just one person, so letting him fall shouldn’t outweigh the greater numbers they’re saving. Except he wasn’t just any one person, he was the Chosen One. He was the most powerful Jedi they’d seen in a thousand years. As general, he’d turned impossible odds into the Republic’s favor. He’d saved countless lives. Sometimes he’d singlehandedly turned a surefire defeat into a victory. And the reason wasn’t just his skills, it was because of his heart. Because it was his heart that drove him.

            His need to not let anyone down. It pushed him harder than anything else ever would. And if properly cared for, that wasn’t a bad thing at all. Millions of people owe their lives to his heart, to his personal drive. Many of them faceless, nameless to him, but he’d always be their hero. So in a gamble of greater good, deciding by numbers would be absolutely devastating in his case. Because losing him to save a thousand, would never balance out. Because millions more would fall that he could’ve saved. 

            He glanced to the side and smiled at her and she returned it, holding his right hand tighter, though he wouldn’t feel it. “This might sound crazy, Snips,” he said finally as they descended the steps. “But I think this is the best I’ve felt in a long time. Maybe the best I’ve ever felt. Even with that whole empty void thing looming over us.”

            “I won’t let it happen,” she promised, not knowing if she could really stop it. But see that was the other thing... the Jedi didn’t understand how to care for hearts like his, because they didn’t allow their members to love like he did. And maybe she didn’t know either, but she would do whatever it took, no matter what it cost her, to take care of his. So, to Master Kenobi, it might seem counterintuitive to leave the order which should be protecting him from becoming that. But in reality, the likelihood of him becoming it was higher if he stayed. So, to save more lives, he had to walk away from the war effort. Which would be nearly impossible to explain to people that didn’t understand him like she did. 

            “I know,” he said softly, releasing her hand so he could put his arm around her shoulders and pull her up against him. “That’s why I’m here.”

            “I admit,” she said after a moment, glowing from his words. “I didn’t think you’d come with me so willingly.”

            “Why?” He stopped walking when they made it to the same park she’d hunkered down to cry in before. It wasn’t that the park was bad, but it was there where everything that had happened had finally caught up with her, and the whole weight of her decision to leave had finally hit her.

            They sat down on a bench and stared back in the direction of the temple. This time it was much more pleasant, for sure. Because he was here. 

            “Well, I knew you wanted to leave the order someday, but I expected you to use your duty as an excuse or you know... Padmé...” she trailed off, almost hating to remind him about the senator. She felt him tense but then he dropped his chin slightly and let air out through his nose.

            “I do feel guilty about leaving,” he admitted. “It doesn’t feel good knowing that I’m leaving the fight, or my men to fend for themselves. And of course, the Chancellor would be disappointed in me.” He put his feet up on a broken crate in front of him. “He counted on me, you know? I think he believed I was the only one that had a chance of saving the Republic. But...” He dropped his hands in his lap and played with his fingers. “I know that’s not true, even if it was nice to hear.”

            She almost wanted to say that the chancellor was right, he was the best chance the Republic had, but only if their demands didn’t push him over the edge. But she didn’t say it, in fact, she was holding her breath. Anakin rarely opened up like this, she didn’t want to interrupt him and make him close down again. 

            “I admit I don’t understand what your nightmares could mean, but I trust you. And if you think taking me away from it is for the best, then I’m not going to argue.”

            “It is for the best,” she said. “I know it doesn’t make much sense, but I know from personal experience...” She elbowed him. “That you’re really bad at slowing down, even when you need to. I know you’re afraid to let people down, but you don’t understand the cost of it. The senate put so much pressure on us, expecting us to be everywhere and save everyone, but not even the force could sustain that. Because of the pressure, we were terrible at taking care of ourselves too. How can you save others when you’re falling apart? The force can do incredible things, but the body needs to rest too.”

            “Well I admit,” he said after a moment. “Last night with you was the best I’ve slept in years. So even if I’m just going away temporarily to get some rest, I’m going to stick with you.” He laughed, and she couldn’t help the smile that formed on her lips. When was the last time she’d heard him laugh? Had she ever heard a genuine laugh from him?

            “I don’t think we should stay on Coruscant,” she said finally. 

            He looked somewhat surprised and that he was going to say something else but changed his mind. “You’re the boss,” he said finally. 

            “That’s it?” It was her turn to be surprised.

            “What’s it?”

            “It’s just...” She looked around. Why did she need to know so bad? Was it for him or for her own desire? He’d tensed when she’d brought up Padmé before but then had very carefully not said anything in response to it; focusing only on his duty, his men and the chancellor. It wasn’t that she didn’t want them to break up if that was who he really wanted but... she secretly wanted them to be well, more. Not that that had any bearing on why she’d chosen to act on her nightmares and go to him. “I’m surprised you’re so willing to uh, leave Coruscant.”

            He stared at her for a moment and she half expected him to snap at her, but instead he just sighed. “There’s nothing to keep me here if I’m no longer a Jedi.” Quite without her permission, her heart fluttered at that information. Was he being his usual secretive self or was he serious? Padmé was no longer a reason for him to stick around? She wondered what had happened but decided to drop it for now. The last thing she wanted was to make him regret leaving with her before they got very far. 

            “We should tell someone where we’re going though, just in case,” she murmured. “And I think Rex deserves to hear it from you that you’ll no longer be his general. After all, you’re the one that always told me to tell them to their face...”

            “If you’re going to let them down...” he finished for her. “Yeah, I remember. But I’m surprised you remember.”

            “I remember everything you said...” she trailed off as the heat rose in her cheeks. Oh great. He tipped his head curiously to the side and she struggled to keep eye contact with him. 

            “Why do I get the feeling there was another reason you wanted me to leave with you?” The question was simple, but she could feel the answer as it floated there between them. He already suspected it, but he was waiting for her to confirm it? Did she dare? How long could she deny it now? Especially if his focus was on her rather than a war? 

            Of course there was another reason, there’d always been another reason. And if Padmé wasn’t in the picture anymore, did that mean her odds went up? She bit her lip feeling her heart racing away in her chest. She tried to calm the rising panic when he reached over and brushed her cheek with the fingertips of his glove. She wanted to say it, she wanted to so bad. But what if she did and he’d change his mind about coming with her? Saving him was more important than her want right now. 

            “Uh... we should go talk to Rex before they get word you left!” She scrambled backwards trying to look like she wasn’t running away and failing miserably as she tripped over something and recovered, brushing herself off. 

            He smirked but then got to his feet. “Let’s go talk to Rex.” She wasn’t sure why but she was certain he was enjoying making her uncomfortable about it. Every time he touched her, she’d jump a mile. She hoped he didn’t think she didn’t want him because she did, more than anything, but she had a feeling even if she couldn’t say the words, he’d felt it from her. Because now, he was doing things specifically to get a reaction out of her, and it was working. So clearly she was confirming his theory in his head. At least he was taking it well, in fact, he seemed pleased by the whole scenario which excited her and made it hard to think straight. 

---

            He hadn’t liked how she’d brought up Padmé, mainly because nobody was supposed to know about their relationship. Though he should have known that of all people, Ahsoka would have figured it out. Others, like Obi Wan, had probably suspected it, though no one had ever asked before. 

            He watched Ahsoka as she greeted Rex with a hug, which apparently surprised him, but he’d promptly hugged her back. They talked between themselves for a few minutes and he couldn’t help staring at her. When she’d first been assigned to him, she’d been cute but a gangly little thing. In  four years she’d really grown up. He’d always thought she was attractive, but during their time together, he’d been able to resist the urges and keep his focus on the war and of course, his wife. Ex-wife.

            When he’d married Padmé, he’d never expected someone else to come along that he’d end up wanting more. Least of all, a sassy little Togruta with a heart bigger than her eyes. But despite his own warring heart, he’d kept her across the line. Most of the time. Telling himself that she was his best friend, that she was his student. And though both those things were true, he kept aching for more. That ache becoming nearly unbearable after she left. And sometimes it felt like he’d lost her because he’d refused to act on that longing.

            Things had gone from bad to worse with Padmé. Everything had been falling apart around them. Her attention was less on him and more on the war and his insecurities started intruding into their own little paradise. Then Clovis had come along and suddenly everything had changed. 

            As their “break” had extended beyond the original plan, he found himself less and less wanting to go back. He was scared to lose her, true, but the image of her kissing Clovis, even if it was just for a mission, had burned itself into the back of his eyelids and completely soured any time they spent together after that. He’d nearly killed a guy just for touching her, and though he still felt his actions had been justified, especially after Clovis’ dirty dealings with the Separatists had come to light, it had also been a major wake up call for him.

            He was losing his grip on everything. And though the divorce might not yet be official, Ahsoka walking back into his life right now was fortuitous. Because he needed her, badly. Though technically she’d been the learner and he, the teacher, she’d been his compass. Probably from day one. He doubted he’d taught her half the number of things she’d taught him. When she was around, it felt like everything would be okay. That he could let go of some of his fears because he could trust her to keep him in check. 

            He knew he went too far sometimes, it was hard to restrain his power and emotions. But she could hold him steady, she could guide him right. He wasn’t sure how, but she could. And he’d been spinning off axis ever since she’d left. 

            So of course, if she showed up out of nowhere, despite being gone and silent for months, to tell him she was worried about him losing himself... he wouldn’t even question it. He’d known it himself, he just hadn’t known what to do about it, or even just how bad it was getting. If she’d come back to get him, if she offered him that way out of the madness, he’d have to be an absolute fool to refuse her. And he might have been, if Padmé was still in the mix. But she wasn’t. And now that Ahsoka was here again, he was kind of glad of that. 

            Like he’d told her, he trusted her. Probably more than he trusted anyone else. Even Obi Wan and the chancellor. And though he’d known her for much less time than either of them, he knew with everything he was, that he would be safe with her. And if there really was a possibility of him turning into this dark monster, then Ahsoka was truly his only hope of that not happening. Which was something he’d never have been able to explain to his master. 

            And now that he and Padmé weren’t together anymore, he could finally see what he’d been trying to deny. The true reason he trusted Ahsoka so much. She turned her pretty blue eyes on him and he smiled at her and then remembered why they were here at the shipyard. He stared at her a moment longer and glanced up at Rex.

            Rex was more than his captain, he was a loyal friend. And saying goodbye to him now was going to be really hard. But for everyone’s sake, it was for the best. If Ahsoka believed that, so did he.

            “Hi Rex,” he started not as confidently as he would have liked. There was no need to be formal about it. “We came to tell you that we’re uh... going away for awhile.”

            “Going away, sir?” Rex asked in surprise.

            “Listen, I’ll be straight with you because you’ve always been there for me... the war has been tough on me. I know it’s been that way for everyone, war isn’t easy...” Why was this so hard? “But I’m not the Jedi I should be and I’m uh...”

            “I’m coming with you,” Rex said suddenly, and he started in surprise.

            “But...”

            “You’re an excellent general, sir, one of the best. But you’re also my friend and maybe in some ways, my family. If you’re leaving, so am I.” Rex set a hand on his shoulder and he stared at him blankly for a moment. “Besides, Ahsoka here is good at keeping an eye on you, but even she needs to sleep sometimes,” Rex chuckled. 

            “Now wait just a minute,” he huffed indignantly. “What exactly did you say to him?” He crossed his arms and looked at Ahsoka. Her eyes were wide again like they’d been in his room with Obi Wan.

            “She didn’t say anything,” Rex answered instead. “But it’s my duty to protect my general and my commander. And that’s what I’m going to do. Even if it means protecting either of them from themselves.”

            “We appreciate it Rexy, but if you desert, you’ll be guilty of treason,” Ahsoka said softly.

            “My programming tells me I live to serve, fight and die for the Republic,” the captain said. “But my brain, and my heart, tells me to follow you. Wherever you go.” To his surprise, Rex punched him lightly on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, I won’t be a third wheel.”

            He saw Ahsoka blush and look down at the tarmac and he felt his own flush of embarrassment. How would Rex even know about them? He’d barely just started noticing it himself. 

            “I don’t have Jedi senses, but I’m not blind,” Rex answered the question before he could ask. “You guys have loved each other from the beginning, I always wondered when you’d act on it.”

            He didn’t really know how to respond to that, and he glanced quickly at Ahsoka in hopes she’d say something more coherent than he could right now.

            “Uh, we’re going to leave Coruscant,” she changed the subject instead. “But there’s a few things I need to do first, so I guess it won’t be until tomorrow. If you’re coming too, we’ll meet at the station at 0700.”

            Rex nodded thoughtfully, but still looked as though he was trying to hide a knowing grin. 

            “And no, that’s not why we’re leaving,” he inserted quickly.

            “Of course, sir,” Rex replied simply and turned, heading back towards the barracks. 

Chapter Text

            “What is this place?” he asked as she let him into Nyx’s shop. 

            “Hide your lightsaber,” she answered instead, tucking hers deep into the robe pocket. “And don’t tell him you’re a Jedi. Were a Jedi.”

            “Him?” He sounded confused. “Who is him?”

            “Nyx doesn’t like Jedi, okay? He doesn’t know I was one, and it’s better he not know,” she replied simply.

            “Who is this Nyx? And what are we doing here anyways?” She ignored the muttering under his breath and rolled her eyes. 

            “Nyx is a good friend, this is his shop. I live here.”

            “Wait, you’ve been living here with a guy since you left?” Was that jealousy she detected in his tone? Serves him right for all the times she had to swallow her own when he’d run off with Padmé.

            “Yes, Anakin, I’ve been living here, with a guy. Stop acting like my father, that’s just weird,” she smirked at him. “It’s not like I had a lot of options you know, when the only place you’ve ever called home, kicks you out.”

            “They didn’t kick you out, you chose not to come back,” he started, but trailed off when she glared at him. “Okay, sorry. But come on, Ahsoka, shacking up with a guy right off the bat? You’re better than that.” 

            She turned around slowly and looked him up and down. He withered somewhat under her gaze.   “You think I slept with him? Just for a place to live?”

            “Well, I... er...” He looked suddenly uncomfortable and focused his gaze on the nearest speeder bike. Hers, ironically. “Is that an Overracer 3000, by Mobquet?” He leaned over to inspect it and she crossed her arms. Of course he’d change the subject now that he knew he was wrong. “Wow, it has the original chassis, I thought they didn’t make parts for these anymore?” He looked up at her and faltered a little. “Oh, uh... well whoever your friend is, at least he has good taste in speeders.”

            “That’s my bike,” she said finally, trying to decide if it was worth arguing with him at this point.

            “Of course it is,” he recovered quickly. “I wouldn’t expect someone from the lower levels to know a quality bike when they see one. After all, you learned from the best. Me.” He grinned at her trying his best to look innocent as he grabbed the collar of his robe with both hands and rocked back and forth on his heels.

            She sighed. She didn’t want to argue with him right now, she was too glad he was here. Though considering how much Nyx had done for her, she probably should defend him. 

            It was true, it was her bike, but she hadn’t lovingly picked it out like Anakin implied. She’d bought it off a drunkard for a night’s worth of cerellian whisky, since thankfully she’d somehow managed to walk out of the Jedi temple with a few credits to her name. But the bike had been in horrible shape, and she’d nearly died heading down the core when the engine gave out on her. That’s how she’d met Nyx anyways. It was his shop she’d landed outside of, trying not to lose control of the bike or fall over the edge. 

            But after purchasing the bike, and a change of clothes, she’d already used up all the credits she’d had. And though it was against the code she’d lived by her entire life, she’d used Nyx’s interest in her to convince him to let her stay here. But she’d definitely not slept with him, and she was still incensed that Anakin would even imply that. Especially since it meant he had no idea how much she loved and adored him, if he truly thought she’d run into another guy’s arms within hours after leaving the temple. 

            Nyx’s crush on her was flattering, and as much as she liked him, she’d missed Anakin far too much to move on. And when the nightmares had started, any possibility with Nyx had gone out the window. Because all she could think of doing was running back to the person she loved most, even if it broke her to do so, or worse, broke him. So rather than nitpick his stupid behavior right now, she should just be grateful he was even here. 

            “I knew how much you loved overreachers,” she said finally.

            “Overracers,” he corrected.

            “Whatever,” she muttered. “I’m not sure where Nyx is, but he’ll probably be back any minute now. “I’m going to go uh, pack.” She started up the stairs. “Oh and, please be nice to him. I owe him big time for letting me stay here.”

---

            “Please be nice to him,” he muttered under his breath as Ahsoka disappeared through one of the doors upstairs. Why should he be nice to him? Okay sure, maybe he’d given Ahsoka a place to stay, but that wasn’t a reason to respect the guy. Who knew what he was hoping to get out of it? Ahsoka was very pretty, no guy in their right mind would look at her and innocently try to help her without wanting something in return. Well except for him and of course, the clones and other Jedi... but that was beside the point. 

            He shuffled around the shop, looking at the different speeders. He noticed there were posters on the wall for podracing like the one he’d had at the temple. Except his was special, because he’d actually won that race. He doubted this Nyx could say the same. He moved over towards the shelves of parts, picking through them. He wasn’t sure why, but the idea that Ahsoka had been living in a repair shop of all places, bothered him. Not just because it was owned by a guy, but had she felt the need to find someone like him? 

            Also, he didn’t know a lot about this level of Coruscant, but he knew the lower levels were shifty places; dirty and full of lowlifes and criminals. How had she ended up this far below fresh air to begin with? He picked up an old turbine engine exhaust and turned it over in his hands. He hadn’t seen one of these since Tatooine.

            “Can I help you?” He almost jumped, wondering how they’d snuck up on him. He spun around to see a kid, well maybe not a kid but he looked younger, standing at the end of the aisle with his arms crossed. “My shop was closed, how’d you get in here?”

            “Ahsoka...”

            “She’s not here right now,” the boy said.

            “Yes she is, I came in with her,” he said in annoyance.

            “I don’t believe you. I think you’re here to steal something.” The boy started reaching for a blaster on his belt.

            “I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” Anakin growled, forgetting for the moment that Ahsoka had told him not to tell Nyx he’d been a Jedi. He dove to the side when the blaster was fired and reached for his lightsaber, forgetting he’d dropped it in a deep pocket and couldn’t get at it easily while crouched on the ground. He rolled out of the way as several more shots were fired and finally knocked over a shelf to use it as cover, sending spare parts all over the shop.

            He’d just about closed his fingers around his weapon when he finally remembered Ahsoka’s words. He scowled to himself, but released it, ducking as more blaster fire hit the shelf. This kid was already getting on his nerves and he’d barely had a conversation with him. He crawled around to the right of the shelf, and then rolled behind the other one. Nyx must not have noticed that he’d left the cover because he was still shooting at where he’d been. He moved slowly to not draw his attention and then leapt out around the shelves and tackled him to the ground.

            “What the kriff is going on?” Ahsoka yelled, running over to the railing and peering over. He tightened his grip on Nyx’s wrist trying to break his hold on the blaster.

            “Stay down!” the boy yelled in response. “I caught this intruder trying to steal my stuff!”

            Ahsoka leapt the railing and landed lightly on the floor, rushing into the fray. But rather than tell Nyx to back down she grabbed his arm and pulled him with impressive strength, off the boy. “This is your idea of being nice to him?” She stomped her foot.

            “He tried to kill me!” he huffed indignantly.

            “You know this guy?” the boy asked, rubbing his wrist. Ahsoka scowled at him and glanced back at Nyx.

            “Sorry, yes,” she sighed. “Nyx, this is Anakin; my er… friend.” She reached out a hand and pulled the boy to his feet. “Anakin, this is Nyx. He owns the shop and let me live here.”

            “Why didn’t you say you were friends with Ahsoka?” Nyx asked in annoyance.

            “I tried, but you ignored me.” He crossed his arms and glared at him. He glared right back. “Do you always shoot first and ask questions later?”

            “You can’t be too careful in this business.”

            “And what kind of business is that?”

            “Okay, okay!” Ahsoka cut in. “Drop the attitude, both of you.”

            “Where’d you even find this guy?” Nyx asked her. She blushed a little, which he noticed because her montral stripes became a brighter blue. Was she embarrassed by him? He knew she loved him, that’s why she came back and why he trusted her so much. But she was suddenly shifty about his presence and explaining to Nyx who he was and how she knew him. Yeah, she’d said he didn’t like Jedi, but that didn’t mean she should be ashamed of knowing him. He felt the jealousy rise in him again. Did she not want Nyx to know the true depth of their relationship? And why not?

            She set her hand on his arm and squeezed a warning and he tried to take a deep breath but still stared daggers at this boy. After what she’d said, he’d kind of hoped Nyx would turn out to be an old man that was more of a father figure to her, not a young guy her age that he supposed could be considered good looking. He was better looking, in his opinion.

            “Anakin is an old friend.” She looked down at the ground and shuffled her feet. “From another life,” she whispered the second part.

            “I’m her boyfriend,” he said instead. Her eyes widened as she looked up at him in surprise.

            “Boyfriend?” Nyx asked. Now he sounded jealous. Good. But based on his response, he hadn’t heard the other thing she’d said. “You didn’t tell me you had a boyfriend.” He turned on Ahsoka.

            For a moment she looked at him helplessly and then back at Nyx. He could feel her discomfort radiating through the force. He wasn’t trying to make her uncomfortable, but he felt the need to assert his dominance into the situation. No matter what Nyx may have done for her in the nine months she’d been gone from the order, he was still her best friend and it was his job to watch out for her. Not some arrogant little kid who was full of himself just because he owned some junk shop on the lower levels. And it was obvious by his sudden jealousy that he liked Ahsoka and wanted to be with her. Not if he could help it. He’d lost way too much in his life to lose her too. What was it with her falling for these stupid boys that didn’t know the first thing about taking care of her?

            “Yes, boyfriend,” he emphasized the word, pulling her closer to him. She tensed for a moment, but then her shoulders dropped.

            “Uh yeah, we were um… taking a break…” she said nervously.

            “Was that what you were running away from when you showed up on my doorstep?” Nyx asked with a hint of accusation.

            “As if!” he huffed.

            “Just stop it!” she said suddenly. “Both of you!” He tightened his grip on her shoulder because he really didn’t want her to run away right now. “No, I wasn’t running away from him. I wasn’t running away from anything. I was just in a bad place and was on my own for the first time in my life. And I… wasn’t expecting it to be so hard.” She dropped her chin. “I owe you, Nyx… for letting me stay here, I do. But… my heart has always been…his.”

            He felt a fleeting rush of victory, but then he felt her pain course through him and it drained his feeling of superiority. He pulled her against him and wrapped both of his arms around her and she buried her face in his chest. He’d been such an idiot. So, focused on Padmé he’d not noticed her falling apart. He’d understood her need to leave and why she no longer trusted the council, but he hadn’t realized the depth of it.

            He forgot about Nyx and tipped her chin back, studying her face. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he breathed. She didn’t say anything, but he saw the answer in her eyes. She’d known about Padmé. She’d known he wouldn’t have followed her. She’d known, or rather believed, that he’d never choose her. So instead of coming to him like she’d always done, she’d chosen to face it alone. Ventress had been right, he had abandoned her. Not the way he’d thought she’d meant though. He’d fought to make sure she could stay a Jedi, but not fought for her heart.

            He saw her lip tremble and before he could stop himself, he leaned down and met them. She’d looked surprised at first, but then parted for him. He savored the kiss, touching her tenderly, trying to communicate his apology in a way she deserved. He was certain she’d gotten the message because he’d felt her forgiveness as she pushed in more. He finally understood; she wasn’t embarrassed by him, she was scared to admit it, scared of his rejection. Well she didn’t need to be, he’d never reject her. Ever. He let her know in the kiss.

            “Ahem,” Nyx cleared his throat and he wanted to ignore him, but she pulled away first. He had the strongest urge to punch the guy, but somehow managed to resist.

            “Oh uh…” Ahsoka said sounding flustered. “We’ll be upstairs. We have some catching up to do.” She grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the stairs. He couldn’t help giving Nyx a smug look on the way by.

            “Don’t get any ideas about him moving in with us!” Nyx shouted after them.

Chapter Text

            She dropped on her bed feeling overwhelmed. She looked up at Anakin after he closed the door behind him and turned around. He had a stupid arrogant look on his face and she suddenly wanted to wipe it off. “What the hell?” she asked, crossing her arms. “Why did you do that?”

            “Do what?” He looked taken aback.

            “That! All of that!” She stood up and started pacing, ignoring the way he was watching her. “I told you, Nyx is a good friend. I also told you to be nice to him. But instead I hear blaster fire and run outside to see you on top of him trying to break his wrist!”

            “He started it!”

            “I don’t care who started it!” Why was she yelling at him? She was glad he was here and still somewhat dazed by the kiss. But she was so embarrassed by what had just happened. She knew Anakin had jealousy issues, but what was he playing at? Telling Nyx he was her boyfriend? It’s not that she didn’t want that, because she did… but… “And then the kiss?”

            “You didn’t like it?” Now he sounded sad and insecure.

            “Of course I did.” She fell back on the bed and rubbed her face. She supposed it didn’t really matter what Nyx thought of either of them, since they were leaving Coruscant tomorrow morning. But she really didn’t want to burn that bridge in case she needed it in the future. Considering that her and Anakin would be leaving on the down low, knowing a smuggler would come in handy. It wasn’t that they were on the run from anything, but still. The biggest thing she’d learned after leaving the order is that friends weren’t easy to come by, and once you found some, you needed to hold onto them, because someday you might be in a situation you can’t get out of on your own. “It’s just that…”

            He sat down next to her and she tried to ignore the excitement when he touched her back. “What?”

            She shook her head, losing her nerve. He’d kissed her… he’d claimed he was her boyfriend… was that just something he’d done to make Nyx jealous or did he really want that? She didn’t want to get her hopes up. Anakin was what she’d wanted for years, and though she didn’t believe he’d just play with her emotions to feel superior to someone he’d literally just met, he also wasn’t very good at thinking things through. And she couldn’t help but feel like this was all a game to him.

            “I meant it,” he whispered, leaning closer to her. “All of it.” She squeezed her eyes shut when his lips touched her cheek. It felt so good, but she pulled away.

            “Can we just… talk first?” She bit her lip when she saw the disappointment cross his features.

            “Okay,” he sighed, sitting back and putting some distance between them.

            “Anakin,” she started, hating that it was so hard to talk to him now. “Long before I became your padawan, I looked up to you. I still do. I was drawn to you; like the force was pulling me towards you. At first, I thought it was just because you were the Chosen One. Who wouldn’t be curious?”

            “I hate that title,” he muttered, crossing his arms and scooting back so he was leaning against the wall. She shifted so she could look at him.

            “From the day I was assigned to you, I made myself a promise. An oath of sorts, quite apart from the Jedi code,” she admitted as she continued. He looked up at her in surprise.

            “What kind of oath?” he asked curiously.

            “I swore I would not be the one that got the Chosen One killed,” she said sheepishly. He hiked an eyebrow at her and she smacked him softly on the leg.

            “You’re not hearing what I’m saying,” she said in frustration and fell back on her pillow with a sigh.

            “I’m hearing words,” he said, leaning over her, and for a moment she forgot about her frustration as she got distracted by the way his hair fell around his face. It had gotten so long. “But I haven’t been able to make much sense of them yet.”

            She rolled her eyes, trying to hide the heat rising in her cheeks. “What I said down there... about my heart belonging to you. That wasn’t just to play along, it’s true.” She looked up at him nervously. “But I knew pretty early on, that you loved Padmé and so I... tried to keep my distance. I tried not to tell you how I felt. I was scared to, because I knew you didn’t feel the same.” He reached up and touched her softly on the cheek, running his gloved finger across her skin leaving a trail of excitement in its wake.

            “Then why did you leave?” he asked sadly. “What about the oath? Did it change?”

            “Of course not,” she said quickly. “Well it did, but not because I didn’t want you anymore. Anakin, what makes you brilliant out there isn’t your lightsaber skills or your natural power in the force. It’s your heart. Your ability to love. But your heart also distracts you. It hurts you to see people hurting and you want to fix it for them. Which is honorable indeed, but...”

            He leaned down on top of her and wrapped his arms around her back, setting his head on her chest. “I can’t help it,” he whispered.

            “I know.” She brought her hand up and intertwined her fingers in his hair. “There’s nothing wrong with that, no matter what the Jedi say. The problem is, you don’t know how to slow down. You don’t know how to take care of yourself. You think you can’t say no to anyone. And the thing is, even if you are the Chosen One, you can’t save the galaxy by yourself. You need help. You need people to stand with you, to fight by your side. To carry the burden too.”

            “They do...” he started, but she shook her head.

            “I don’t mean the war, Anakin,” she breathed. “I mean what’s in your heart. That oath I made, yes at first it was because you were the chosen one. I valued your life above my own and everyone else’s. I knew I couldn’t let you down. But it changed. Because I soon learned that keeping you alive wasn’t what you needed help with. Though I had to do that too,” she smirked. 

            He lifted his head up and gave her a mischievous look. Then before she had much time to react, he pulled her with him as he rolled and suddenly she was on top. She sat up, sitting back on his stomach and straddling his long body. He reached his fingers up and intertwined them with hers and she watched the way they fit together, and the gentle way he rubbed her hands. 

            “My oath became less about keeping you alive and more about keeping you sane.”

            “You did,” he said, smiling at her, but then it faded as a shadow crossed his features. “But after you left...”

            “I know,” she breathed, dropping her chin. “But I couldn’t hold you up when I couldn’t even hold myself up. If I’d stayed, we both would have ended up lost.”

            “At least we would have been together,” he said sullenly.

            “We would have?” she asked in surprise. “And what about the senator?”

            “Well er...” he trailed off and looked away. 

            “Anakin... I don’t think it was an accident that the force led me to you, or that I had to leave for awhile.” He blinked up at her, but she saw the flicker of confusion. “If it hadn’t of been for the trial, I never would have learned how to stand on my own. Now I can teach you.”

            “So now you’re the teacher?” he smirked. “What’s the next lesson, Master?”

            “Wow, that sounds weird,” she murmured. 

            “Yeah, it kinda did,” he chuckled. “Master Tano, What does one have to accomplish to earn a kiss?”

            She smiled in spite of herself. “Well now... today’s lesson, my padawan... starts with learning how to hold a lightsaber.”

            “Oh really?” he laughed this time. “Are you needing to brush up on that skill?”

            “It has been nine months...” She blew air out the side of her mouth and made a face.

            “How about we skip the lightsaber practice today, Master? I have better things to hold.” She loved the twinkle of mischief in his eyes. Oh how she’d missed their games. Both on the battlefield and off. Truth be told, she’d missed all of him, but when they played games, it was the only time she ever got to see him relax. If only for a couple hours each time, he’d let down his guard. He’d laugh, he’d crack jokes, not like the bickering he did with Obi Wan. He’d open up, be vulnerable. And though he absolutely hated people seeing that part of himself, it was the part she loved the most. And she had a hunch, she was the only one that ever got to see it. No matter what his relationship with the senator had been like, he wasn’t himself around her, so she highly doubted that changed even when they were alone. 

            “Yeah?” She raised a brow.

            “Yeah.” He let go of her hands and grabbed her waist, sliding his hands up her body and down her arms. She watched him in fascination as he focused on his actions. “I wasn’t joking earlier, you know?” he whispered after a moment. “I tried so hard to keep you at arm’s length, but I don’t think you ever were. I warred with myself constantly. You were my best friend, my student. We couldn’t be anything else. But Rex was right, I fell in love with you that first day. I keep thinking it had to have taken longer than that, but it didn’t. I trace it back to day one, every time.”

            She tipped her head to the side, watching him curiously. “But I failed so spectacularly that day, to make a good impression. How could you possibly have fallen in love with me on day one?”

            “Yeah it does seem silly, doesn’t it?” he smirked, and she pinched his side. “Ow.” She couldn’t help but laugh. “But to be honest, I think it’s because you failed so spectacularly, as you put it.”

            “Really?” she huffed.

            “Yeah,” he laughed. “Because I’d never had anyone try that hard to impress me. Even if you failed to impress me.”

            “Hey now!”

            “And maybe I didn’t know it then.” He stroked her hand and then brought it to his lips. “But I knew you would, someday... you know... impress me.”

            “And did I?” she asked, nursing her bruised ego even if she was the one that brought it up. 

            “Every day,” he said finally. She blushed and looked down. “But you know what impressed me the most?”

            “What?” Her breath caught in her throat when she saw the way he was looking at her.

            “That you were brave enough to walk away. Even though it hurt so bad to see you go, I don’t think I’d ever in my life, ever respected someone more than I respected you that day. You did something I couldn’t do. The holonews reporters like to call me the hero with no fear, but they’re wrong. Only you fit that title.”

            “I’m not fearless...” she started, but he put his hand on her cheek and she fell silent. 

            “You are to me,” he breathed. “Being fearless doesn’t mean being devoid of fear. I don’t think that’s even possible. But being afraid and doing it anyways? That’s true bravery. That’s what it means to be fearless. Tell me, Ahsoka... were you afraid when you came to the temple last night?”

            “Yes,” she confessed.

            “What were you afraid of?”

            “Losing you.” She dropped her shoulders. “But I was afraid you’d be angry, that you wouldn’t want to see me. That you wouldn’t listen to me. That I’d make it worse...”

            “But you came anyways, why?”

            “Because losing you terrified me the most.”

            “You were afraid, but you did it anyways,” he murmured. “Were you afraid that day you left?”

            “Yes.”

            “But you did it anyways.” He took her by the shoulders and pulled her down next to him, opening his arms for her to cuddle into them. “Do you know why I left with you? Why you didn’t even have to ask me to go?” She shook her head. “Because I realized in that moment why I’d always trusted you more than anyone else.” She held her breath, studying the side of his face.       “You were the only one that never gave up on me. You were my light, my compass, my rock. And if you’d come back because you were afraid I was losing my way, then I knew, you were bringing that light back into my life. The only thing I had to do, was follow it.”

            She snuggled into him closer and held him tight, not knowing what to say. There were so many words on the tip of her tongue but nothing comprehensible at the moment. 

            “I love Padmé,” he said after a moment and she felt herself clench. “But she couldn’t fill the hole in me that you left. And after awhile, we just drifted apart. But like you said, maybe everything happened as it was meant to. If you hadn’t of left, I might never have noticed how badly I needed you. And look at this, we found our way back.” He turned his head and kissed her deeply. 

            She didn’t resist this time. She wanted tonight to last forever. Could they always be this way? Comfortable and happy in each other’s arms?

---

            “Ahsoka, I found your letter and… whoa.” He glared at Nyx, who he now had pushed back against the wall with his lightsaber to his throat. “What the hell, man?” Nyx asked, trying to push him back. He had the strongest urge to push his lightsaber in further. What the kriff did he think he was doing?

            “I should ask you the same thing,” he muttered, stepping back and reluctantly turning off his lightsaber. “Haven’t you ever heard of knocking?” He didn’t know where Ahsoka was, but his instincts for danger were too ingrained in him to not rouse him from even the deepest sleep to react to an intrusion. 

            “This is my shop!” Nyx said indignantly. “And I didn’t know you were still here.” The boy crossed his arms and scowled at him. 

            “It might be your shop, but this is Ahsoka’s room and how dare you just walk in without knocking?” he demanded. He didn’t know what was going on and he really didn’t care how much Ahsoka liked this guy, he had no concept of boundaries. What else could he have been doing just waltzing in without warning in the middle of the night? Hopefully Ahsoka hadn’t gotten that lax in her force instincts and reactions to not still be guarded at night.

            “Well I have news for you, slimo, Ahsoka is usually up at this hour otherwise I wouldn’t have just walked in,” Nyx said in frustration, finally pushing him away and putting some distance between them. It was only then that he realized that he’d slept without a shirt on. He straightened, flexing slightly so Nyx could see his rippling muscles. “Was that a lightsword?”

            “What if it was?” Anakin gave him a warning growl. He really wanted to show off what he could do with it. But then he again remembered Nyx wasn’t supposed to know they’d been Jedi. Who cared if he knew the truth anyways?

            “Where’d you get one of those?” Nyx asked with clear accusation. “A Jedi weapon? They’re worth a small fortune.”

            “Don’t get any ideas, Nylon, this lightsaber is mine.”

            “My name is Nyx and tell me Ahsoka isn’t in love with a thief. Because if she is, then you can get the hell out of here.”

            “I’m not going anywhere.”

            “Are you threatening me? In my own shop?” Nyx started reaching for his blaster again and Anakin had it. He threw a punch, and seconds later the boy landed on his butt on the floor. Nyx recovered quickly and tackled him around the legs knocking him back into the wall.

They wrestled around on the floor. Despite his size, Nyx had some fight in him, though his skills hardly compared to his own. 

            “You have got to be kidding me,” Ahsoka huffed in frustration as she came out of the bathroom. He didn’t look up. He was too focused on showing Nyx the mistake he was making by being so hostile. “What the kriff is wrong with you? Both of you?”

            “He threatened me,” Nyx whined, throwing out his left fist but he caught it in his mechanical hand and he gasped in pain. 

            “I only threatened you because you walked in here without knocking,” he complained in response. 

            “It’s my shop! I can go where I want!”

            “Not when you have someone else living here! A guy should never walk into a girl’s room without knocking unless she’s specifically given you permission.”

            “Boys are so immature no matter how old they are,” Ahsoka muttered. “I am not pulling you guys apart in just a towel, so figure it out!”

            “A towel?” they both said at the same time pausing their fight to glare at each other and then look up at her. She blushed looking uncomfortable now that they were both staring at her. He forgot about Nyx for a moment as he admired the view. He still found her so attractive and he had the strongest urge to leap to his feet and pull her against him. She crossed her arms in front of herself, making sure the towel was closed for sure and then he remembered Nyx could see her too. He grabbed his chin and jerked his face away, so he couldn’t look at her anymore.

            “You don’t deserve to see her,” he said angrily.

            “And you do?” Nyx spat back.

            “Of course I do,” he said indignantly. “I’m her boyfriend!”

            “Yeah, you said that.” Nyx kicked up and then rolled out from under him. “But I have no idea what the kriff she sees in you. She could do so much better.”

            “Enough!” Ahsoka shouted and they both froze. But weirdly, not under their own control. She dropped it a second later as though she remembered her own warning about not letting Nyx know who they were. “You’re both adults, now act like it.”

            “But…” the boy started and fell silent when she gave him a look. He was about to smirk at him but then he got the same look and he dropped his chin. 

            “What did you need, Nyx?” she asked, sounding suddenly tired and he felt guilty that he was causing her so much distress.

            “I saw your letter and I was hoping to catch you before you left.” He sounded surprisingly sad.    “Do you really have to go?”

            “I’m afraid so,” she said softly. “Anakin and I have some, er… stuff, to take care of.”

            “He’s a thief!” Nyx said suddenly, and he stared at him in surprise.

            “What?” she looked at him in confusion and then back at Nyx.

            “He had a lightsword, like the Jedi carry.”

            She gave him a look and then sighed, moving over towards the bed and flipping back her pillow.             “Like these?” she asked, holding up her two.

            “How did you…” Nyx looked between them. “Wait… you guys are Jedi?”

            “No, Nyx. We were Jedi.” She looked hurt and he had the strongest urge to interrupt but she put up her hand to stop him before he could. “I’m sorry I lied to you. But when I left the order, I’d never been on my own before and I was scared and I didn’t know where to go or how to get by. You were so nice, willing to help me fix the speeder I’d spent the last of my credits on and I didn’t know what else to do.”

            “You know how I feel about Jedi,” Nyx complained.

            “Yes, I do,” she whispered. “But I was desperate.”

            “If you needed help that badly, why didn’t you ask him?” The boy crossed his arms.

She glanced at him again. “Because he couldn’t help me anymore than he already had without risking his own status and position. But now… it doesn’t matter anymore, because neither of us are Jedi. So… we’re leaving Coruscant for awhile to figure things out.”

            Nyx made a face and then left the room, claiming he’d be right back. He was going to say something probably insulting, but then he saw that Ahsoka had dropped down onto the edge of the bed, her face in her hands.

            “I’m sorry,” he said quickly, knowing that he hadn’t been on his best behavior since they’d arrived last night. Nyx was just so infuriating and for some reason he just kept pushing his buttons. He was so uptight about all of this. On the one hand, it felt kind of nice to have no responsibilities or places to be, on the other hand, it was suddenly terrifying.

            It had been so long since he’d been outside the order, and even then, he’d had a master and structure and his mother. He’d been telling Obi Wan for years that the Jedi had no concept of what it was like living outside those walls, but he realized suddenly, that he didn’t either anymore. Maybe that fear was some of why Nyx kept testing his patience. 

            She didn’t look up or acknowledge his apology and he stood there near the door feeling stupid and guilty. Ahsoka had been through so much already, and he was only making it harder on her with all the petty fighting. 

            Before he could move to comfort her, Nyx was back at the door, though this time he actually knocked. He opened it for him and Nyx brushed past him to Ahsoka.

            “Here,” he said, and she lifted her head finally and took the bag he offered her.

            “What is it?” she asked curiously.

            “You’ll see.” He watched as Nyx tentatively reached out a hand like he was going to touch her on the shoulder and he tensed before he could help it. But Nyx changed his mind about the action and dropped his hand back to his side. “I hope you won’t need it, but just in case.”

            Ahsoka pulled open the bag and peeked inside, then she looked up in surprise. “Are you sure?” she asked.  It was bugging him that he didn’t know what they were talking about or what was in the bag. But despite having the strongest urge to butt into the conversation and step between them, he stayed put. 

            “Yeah,” Nyx said softly. “Good luck out there.” She jumped to her feet and threw her arms around Nyx’s shoulders and again he felt himself tense. But this time it was because it reminded him of what he’d walked in on between Clovis and Padmé.

            “Thank you!” she said emphatically, and Nyx smiled at the praise.

            “Try not to, you know... spend it on him.” He pointed to him over his shoulder and flashed him an arrogant look. Again, he felt the urge to move between them, but Ahsoka put up her hand and he stopped himself. “I’m going to miss you,” Nyx whispered sullenly. But before Ahsoka could respond, he turned and marched up to him, puffing out his chest and trying to look taller and intimidating. Which he’d hardly managed either feat because the top of his head barely came to his chin. “I don’t like you,” Nyx said pointedly, and he felt his blood boil again. “But you better damn well take care of her. And don’t you dare hurt her or break her heart or I will hunt you down and erase your entire existence.”

            He stared after him in surprise as Nyx stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. He kind of wanted to laugh at the hilarity of that threat but then he glanced over his shoulder at Ahsoka who was looking at him as though she was daring him to do it. He didn’t dare. 

            Okay, so he highly doubted Nyx would survive it if he acted on his threat, but... who would be taking care of who? He had a feeling Ahsoka was going to be the one in charge and more than likely, he’d be the one taken care of. He felt suddenly undeserving of her affection and he shuffled his way over to her and dropped his face down on her shoulder. 

            “Feel stupid yet?” she asked.

            “Yes,” he admitted.

            “Good.” She flicked him on the arm. “You should.”

            “What was in that bag?”

            “Credits,” she said simply. “A lot of them.” It was only then that it dawned on him he’d left the temple with nothing to his name. Just the clothes on his back, a robe and his lightsaber. No money, no food, no nothing. And he suddenly understood why Ahsoka had been so insistent he be nice to Nyx. He hadn’t just offered her a place to stay, he’d offered her something far more than that; security. Peace of mind. Safety. When she’d been terrified and desperate, he’d offered her kindness and a way to help her get back on her feet and get established. And he’d very possibly ruined that with all his petty needs to rub their relationship in the boy’s face. 

            “I’m sorry,” he said again with more meaning, and wrapped his arms around her back and pulled her closer. Then he kissed her softly on the shoulder and again on her lekku.

            “For being a jerk to Nyx?”

            “No, well... yes. But also, for not supporting you when you said you had to leave. All I saw was my own pain, I couldn’t see yours.”

            “Yeah,” she murmured. “You get kind of single-minded sometimes. That’s why I came back. Someone has to snap you out of it.”

            He tipped his head back to look at her face and he couldn’t help but laugh. “I knew there was a reason I kept you around, Snips.”

            “Admit it,” she said.

            “Admit what?” he asked innocently.

            “You need me.”

            “I think we’ve established that,” he muttered and rolled his eyes. 

            “Yeah, but I want to hear you say it.”

            He closed his eyes and took a deep breath and when he opened them again, she was looking up at him intensely but hopeful. This wasn’t one of their games, this wasn’t something to laugh off. She needed to hear the words, she needed to hear him admit them. And maybe he needed to hear himself admit it too. He knew he needed her. She knew he needed her. But the words needed to be said aloud.

            “Ahsoka,” he started nervously. “When I first met you, I had so many things going on in my life, the last thing I wanted was another responsibility. But you were there for me through a lot of horrible shit. You became someone I depended on. Someone I knew would always have my back and you never asked for anything in return. You supported me and stood up for me, especially when nobody else understood, you always did. Without you, I’ve been lost and broken and questioning everything. That empty void you talked about, those nightmares... they were slowly coming true. I know you’re the only one that can stop it, I know you’re the only one that can save me. And I, need you... I need you so bad... but not just for what you can do for me. I need you there, next to me. I need your presence and your light. I need your optimism, your jokes, your stories and your fire. You were the best thing to ever happen to me and I never appreciated that until now. I need you, Ahsoka. Will you stay with me? Will you put up with me?”

                “Always.” She stood up on her tiptoes and kissed him gently on the lips. And he pulled her closer and savored every second of it. He swore to himself in that moment, that no matter what happened, no matter how crazy or dark things might get, he would never ever forget to appreciate her, ever again.