Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

 Virgil hated the hospital. He hated how everywhere he looked, there was blinding, headache-inducing white. He hated the shitty food. He hated how it smelled like chemicals, and how the chemical smell was covering up the smell of sickness and death.

 He hated hearing people crying at night. He hated being one of the people who cried at night.

 He hated that they were keeping him there for another week, just because he still wished he had died like he was supposed to.

 So there he was, sitting in his stupid, uncomfortable hospital bed, his arms heavy with bandages, waiting for Patton to come back from the cafeteria with whatever pitiful excuse for food the hospital was serving.

 He couldn't even draw, or read. His arms hurt too much for him to hold a pencil, or turn a page.

 It was infuriating.

 Instead of doing something he actually enjoyed, he was stuck watching Disney movies on Patton's laptop, which sat on the table beside the bed. It wasn't really all that bad, he didn't particularly dislike Disney movies, they were just... too high-energy for him.

 Just as Moana declared herself unable to continue her journey, Patton bustled into the room, a tray held in his hands and a smile on his face. Despite Virgil's foul mood, he smiled back as Patton rested the tray on his lap.

 "So, what's today's abomination?" He asked, and Patton giggled.

 "I think it's supposed to be salisbury steak and mashed potatoes."

 Virgil hummed and grabbed the plastic spork on the tray. He poked at the sauce-covered meat. It jiggled, the sauce so congealed that it seemed more like jelly.

 "Thanks, Pat," Virgil mumbled before taking a bite. He grimaced, and Patton laughed as he reached over to pause the movie.

 "Sorry, kiddo. I promise, when we're home, you'll have all the pizza you want."

 Virgil swallowed his bite with a shudder, then fixed Patton with a Look. "So, have you eaten yet today?"

 Patton smiled sheepishly. "Not yet, kiddo."

 "Patton."

 "I know, I know... I'll get lunch soon, promise."

 "Why not now? There's a Panera right across the street, you love Panera!" Virgil chose to ignore how he sounded like Patton.

 "Well, yeah," Patton conceded. "But I don't wanna-"

 "I'm not gonna kill myself the second you walk out of the hospital, Pat," Virgil interrupted. Patton snapped his mouth shut. "Go get something to eat. Hell, stay the night at home for once. I know you sleep in your car in the parking lot. You can't just... do that."

 Patton was quiet for a moment, and Virgil took another bite of his disgusting meal. Finally, Patton broke the heavy silence.

 "But what if I come back, and you're... gone? What if, as soon as I leave, you hurt yourself again?"

 Virgil felt his stomach squirm, from both the abhorrent hospital food and guilt.

 "That won't happen. I... I won't lie. I still wish I had done it." A sharp inhale from Patton, which Virgil continued over. "But I won't try again. I'm too much of a fucking coward to try again."

 He felt Patton's hand take his, and he realized he was gripping the spork so tightly that his knuckles were white.

 "Virgil, you are not-" Patton was interrupted by a knock at the door, and they both turned their head towards the sound. Virgil couldn't see the small window in the door, but Patton could.

 "Huh. Virgil, were you expecting anyone?"

 Virgil let out a single laugh. "Pat, I literally have zero friends. Maybe they have the wrong room?"

 "I'll go see." Patton walked over to the door and opened it. Virgil continued picking at his pitiful meal as he listened.

 "Hi there," came Patton's voice, kind and welcoming, even to a stranger.

 "Hello! I'm here to see Virgil? Virgil Sanders?"

 Holy shit. Holy shit. I know that voice.

 "Oh... um, one moment please! I'll see if he's up to it!"

 "Alright, thank you, mister...?"

 "Sanders! But you can call me Patton."

 "Right, thank you, Patton!"

 Virgil faintly registered the sound of the door closing and Patton coming back to his bedside.

 "No friends, huh?" Patton teased.

 "No friends," Virgil grumbled. "Only assholes."

 "Language!" Patton took Virgil's tray. "He has gifts for you, Vee."

 "I don't care. I know that voice. That's Roman Prince."

 Patton raised his eyebrows. "Roman Prince? As in the Roman Prince who's been bullying you all year?"

 Virgil scowled. "Yeah. Him."

 Patton hummed in thought. "Well, maybe you should talk to him?"

 Virgil snorted. "Oh sure, great idea, Pat. A suicidal kid and his bully alone in a hospital room? Fucking genius." He regretted the words as soon as he saw the hurt look on Patton's face.

 "Oh. Well, I can send him-"

 "No, Pat, I." Virgil sighed. "I'll talk to him."

 "Kiddo, if you don't want to-"

 "I do! I do. I wanna know why he did the shit he did. Plus, it's the perfect chance for you to go get some lunch, maybe hang out with Joan and Talyn for a while?" He smiled up at his dad, who was smiling proudly back.

 "If you're sure, kiddo. Have Lo- I mean, Doctor Hart call me if you need anything, okay?" Patton blushed at the slip-up, and Virgil smirked.

 "You gave him your number? Ooh, spicy." Patton rolled his eyes.

 "Oh, hush, you. I'll be back in three hours."

 "Five?"

 "Keep talking and I'll make it two."

 Virgil laughed. "Have fun, Pat. Sneak in a chocolate chip cookie for me?"

 "If you behave, then maybe." Patton ruffled Virgil's hair, then fixed it again. "I love you, kiddo."

 "Yeah, yeah, love you too, whatever," Virgil grumbled.

 Patton chuckled softly and carried Virgil's tray with him to the door. There was muted mumbling, a final "Bye, kiddo!", and then, Virgil was alone with Roman, who stood at the end of his bed in a red jacket, flowers and a blue stuffed "animal" in his hands.

 At least he has the sense to look sorry, he mused. And Roman really did look sorry. He and Virgil both avoided eye contact, and the room was filled with an awkward silence so thick, it almost rivaled the salisbury steak sauce. Finally, Virgil spoke up.

 "So, uh, whatcha got there?" He nudged his shoulder towards the things in Roman's hands.

 "Huh?" Roman said intelligently. "Oh, right! Sorry, I had this whole speech planned out, but now I'm nervous- stage fright in a hospital room, that's- that's sad, huh?" Roman was red, and Virgil reveled in his discomfort.

 "Not as sad as being in a hospital room for a suicide attempt," he said with a smirk. Roman blinked and stared. "It's a joke, Princey."

 Roman nodded frantically. "Right! Right, a joke, ha, sorry, I'm-"

 "Oh my god," Virgil interrupted with a groan. "Okay, sit down, you're stressing me out." He nodded at a chair beside his bed. Roman sat obediently, and Virgil resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

 "Okay, now breathe. Calm down. I'm not gonna bite you..." he paused for effect. "...probably."

 Roman let out a single laugh, and did as Virgil had instructed. Once he was sure he was calm, Virgil spoke again.

 "Okay, now tell me what the hell you're doing here."

 Roman took a breath. "I am here to apologize for my behavior."

 He probably had more to say, but Virgil couldn't hold back a humorless laugh.

 "Oh, I get it now. You damn near bully a kid to death, so you think saying sorry and bringing flowers and a stupid stuffed whatever-the-fuck that is will clear your name? That's fucking hilarious, Princey."

 Roman winced, and his eyes fell to the items in his hands. "That isn't..."

 "What? Isn't what you wanted me to say? Sorry, let me correct myself." Virgil cleared his throat. "I forgive you for calling me a freak, and useless, and stupid, and a walking nightmare, and all that other shit. I forgive you for telling the entire fucking school I'm trans, just because you saw my deadname on a fucking attendance chart. Happy now, your royal bitch-ness?" Virgil snarled. Roman flinched away from him, and for a moment, he looked afraid.

 Which piqued Virgil's interest. For a few seconds, it was silent again.

 "I am not asking for forgiveness," Roman whispered. "I am not trying to clear my name. I only wished to apologize, and perhaps explain... why I was so cruel to you." He flicked his gaze up to Virgil's, and Virgil was shocked to see that those stupid red-brown eyes were leaking genuine tears.

 "But if you do not wish to hear it," Roman continued, "I will leave you alone."

 Virgil considered it, weighing his options. He could be bullshitting me, he thought. But... I really do wanna hear what he has to say.

 He settled back into his pillow. "Okay, Princey. Let's see what you've got to say."

 Roman exhaled. "Okay."

 "First off, I brought you these." He set the flowers down on the bedside table; soft violet starbursts of petals formed bell-shapes at the end of three stems, tied together with a thin, dark purple, satin ribbon. "They're hyacinth. Purple means apology, at least that's what my mom told me." Virgil let out a small hmph. 

 "So you're doing this because your mommy told you to?" He asked, not bothering to hide his snark. Roman shook his head.

 "No. She's been dead for nearly nine months."

 And damn, if that didn't make Virgil feel like an ass."Shit. I'm sorry, I didn't know." Roman gave him a small, sad smile.

 "Don't apologize. Nobody knows. Anyways," He held up the stuffed creature, which was covered in shiny, fake fur. "This is Stitch. You know, from Lilo and Stitch?" 

 "Haven't seen that one," Virgil said. Roman gasped, looking offended.

 "Seriously? We simply must change that!" Virgil rolled his eyes.

 "Tone it down, I still hate you."

 "Ah, right, my apologies. Anyhow, I brought you a Stitch, because... Well, I thought you could use a little ohana when visiting hours are closed."

 "Ohana?" Virgil questioned.

 "Ohana means family," Roman quoted. "Family means nobody gets left behind, or forgotten."

 "Gross."

 Roman scoffed, but before he could say anything further, Virgil talked over him.

 "Thanks and all, for the gifts and the apology, but like... That's not an explanation."

 "I know," Roman said, nodding. "I'm getting to that."

 "Well, get to it faster."

 "Right."

  Roman took a deep breath, and spoke.

 "I never meant anything I said, not truly. I was taking out a lot of things on you, things that were not your fault. My own insecurities, I put on you. I allowed my jealousy of you to blind me, and my rage at situations beyond me to be directed at you." He set the Stitch doll down on Virgil's bed. "You see, since my mom died, my father has been very... withdrawn. He lost his job, and because of the cost of my mother's treatment, we've been low on money, so I make as much as I can working part-time. He's been stealing it while I sleep and spending it all on liquor." He sighs shakily, running a hand through his hair.

"I'm angry at him for that, and I'm angry at the world for taking my mom away, and I'm just so angry, all of the time. But I can't be angry at home, and I can't be angry at work, so I allow my anger to come out at school. Unfortunately, I selected you as the target."

 "I was out of line," he continued. "I was unnecessarily cruel, and I was, and still am, a huge asshole. And I am sincerely sorry, Virgil, for causing you so much pain. I'm so sorry for being a large part in your reasons for attempting suicide. If there is anything I can do to make it up to you, or anything you want or need, please tell me, and it will be done."

 Halfway through Roman's speech, Virgil had pulled Stitch into his lap, and was running his fingers through the soft fur. The room was quiet as Virgil processed everything.

 "I accept your apology, but I don't forgive you," he finally said. Roman brightened.

 "That is already more than I could possibly ask for. Thank you, V-"

 "Shut the fuck up, Princey," Virgil snapped. Roman did as he was told. "Your dad is an ass, and what happened to your mom sucks, but that doesn't mean you get to be such a dick. I had shitty parents too, but you don't see me going around making fun of some random kid for something they can't help. Like, okay, you wanna rag on me because you've got shit goin' on at home? It isn't okay, but I get it. But what you did was so much worse. You outed me to the whole school, do you even know what some of those kids did?" Roman shook his head, looking reasonably afraid.

 "They beat the shit out of me. I didn't try to kill myself because of you. I tried to kill myself because I got sick of it. That last day? The day I did it? They cornered me after school. I had gym seventh period, and they caught me in the locker room. They..." Virgil stopped, wondering if he really should be telling Roman Prince, his tormentor for a year, about this, but one glance at Roman's shock-pale, sickened face made his decision.

 "They wrote my deadname on my forehead, in permanent marker. Two of them held me from behind, and the third wrote it. And then they threw me to the ground and hit me and kicked me, and they didn't stop for thirty fucking minutes. All because you saw my fucking deadname and told the whole fucking school that Virgil Sanders is a fucking tranny. So after they left, I rode the bus home, limped my happy ass over to the bathroom, and, well-" he slightly lifted his arms, the thick bandages only slightly paler than his skin.

 Virgil's voice shook, and his eyes stung. He stared at the blue alien in his hands. "Patton found me just in time. He thought I was dead, but he drove me here anyways. Doctor Hart said that if Patton had been just five minutes later, I'd be dead." He felt the tears falling. "So no, I don't fucking forgive you. And I don't think a shitty home life gives you a reason to be a transphobic piece of shit."

 He heard Roman crying in the chair next to him and looked up to see him hunched over, hands pressed against his mouth, his face wet. Their eyes met, and he sobbed. Virgil found it ironic.

 "I-I'm so sorry, Virgil," Roman gasped. "I-I only told two p-people, I didn't know it w-would go that f-far."

 "Yeah, well. It did." Virgil hated, absolutely hated how his voice sounded when he cried. He was nasally and shaky and disgusting, and he hated it. "I don't forgive you. But I want to."

 "R-really?" Roman looked hopeful. Virgil shrugged, and lifted the sheet covering his legs to wipe his face. He hated it.

 "I'm tired, Princey. I'm tired of hating everyone. I'm tired of hating everything. Pat says holding grudges is a waste of energy, and I don't have energy to waste." He stroked Stitch's fur.

 "I'll let you try to prove yourself. I'll try to forgive you. But I still think you're an asshole."

 Roman nodded, smiling as though Virgil had praised him.

 "I-I promise, you won't regret it!"

 Virgil rolled his eyes as he watched Roman wipe his face on his sleeve.

 "Whatever." He looked back down at the small blue alien. "We've still got a few hours before Pat comes back... Wanna watch Lilo and Stitch? Knowing him, he's got it saved on the laptop."

 Roman nodded, still smiling. "That sounds wonderful!"

 "Cool," VIrgil replied. He reached out to grab the laptop, wincing at the pull in his arms. Roman wordlessly picked it up and set it in Virgil's lap. 

 "Fuck off, I've got it," Virgil snapped. He watched Roman's smile drop, and sighed. "Sorry. I just hate being helpless."

 Roman hummed. "I don't think you're helpless. You're just healing."

 Virgil stared at him. "Huh. Sure, that too." He carefully opened the laptop and typed in the password. He used the mousepad to scroll through Patton's extensive list of Disney movies before opening the file for Lilo and Stitch and pausing it. 

 "Mind hitting the lights, Princey?" Roman nodded, reached up, and switched off the floor lamp behind the chair. "Thanks." Virgil turned the laptop so that both he and ROman could see the screen and pressed play. Beside him, Roman whispered.

 "Why do you call me that? Princey, I mean?"

 Virgil smirked.

 "Because you're a self-entitled asshole and I hate you, much like every prince ever." Roman hummed and nodded.

 "Agree to disagree, but also, that's fair."

 Four hours later, Patton entered the room with a warm bag of Panera Bread pastries. He was surprised by the darkness of the room, and even more surprised by the sight that greeted him once he fully entered.

 Virgil was curled up on the very edge of the bed, a red jacked draped over him (he always did complain about how cold he was). His head rested on Roman's shoulder. Roman, now in just a short-sleeved shirt and jeans, was halfway out of his chair, one arm wrapped around Virgil's shoulders, the other keeping the laptop from falling. His cheek rested on top of Virgil's head. Both of them were fast asleep.

 Patton smiled warmly and set the bag aside. He picked up the laptop, and saw that they'd been halfway through Sleeping Beauty. He shut the laptop down and set it on the bedside table before leaning down to kiss Virgil's cheek. He wrote a quick note with his number at the bottom down on the small notepad he always carried:

 Roman,

  Thank you for apologizing to him, and for whatever you did to get him to finally fall asleep. I hope you two can be friends! If you ever need me, call me, okay?

 He set it down beside the Panera bag, where Roman would see once he woke up.

 With a final glance at the sleeping boys, he left again, knowing his boy was safe.

Virgil slept more soundly then than he had in the week he had been in the hospital, not that he would ever tell Roman that.