Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

A/N: I don't own Steven Universe. The main difference is Steven and Connie are 18. Being the first chapter things will be a bit slow but a lot of the jokes will only work in chapter 2. This is a crack fic that makes fun of Pearl.

Pearl the Accidental Sex Offender

Chapter 1: The Accident

*Gem House, 1 Week after the events of Change Your Mind* (No not the Sister Hazel song.)

"STEVEN IT'S 9:45 PM, GET YOUR ASS IN BED! AMETHYST WHERE THE HELL IS STEVEN?!" Pearl asked.

"Beats me, but I did see him talk with Connie earlier today about stuff." Said Amethyst as she downed a burrito in record time.

"He must be at Connie's house…..(gasp) SHE MIGHT TRY TO FONDLE HIS PEE-PEE! I CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN!" Pearl said as she formed two swords and marched over to the warp pad (which was connected to Connie's house) "WITH TUMBLR AS MY WITNESS, I WILL SEE TO IT THAT NO NAUGHTY THINGS BEFALL STEVEN! AND UPON RESCUING HIM, I'LL GIVE CONNIE A VERY STERN TALK ABOUT NOT CHOKING STEVEN'S CHICKEN, FOLLOWED BY AN ANTI-TRUMP SPEECH AND FINALLY ANOTHER SPEECH ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF WOMAN'S RIGHTS OVER THE RIGHTS OF OTHERS!" Pearl declared like the close-minded SJW that she is while activating the warp pad.

Just then Garnet walked into the house with Steven.

"Hey guys where were you?" Amethyst asked.

"Oh Garnet and I were at the park catching fire-flies in jars!" Steven said all happy.

"Oh, because Pearl went looking for you at Connie's house, saying that she needed to protect your pee-pee from her!" Amethyst said as she downed another burrito, faster than the last.

Steve had a scared look on his face while Garnet just face-palmed.

*Maheswaren Residence*

Having finished dinner, Connie showered off, got into her PJ's and was using the upstairs toilet while reading a Christian Magazine about the importance of Abstinence before going to bed. Connie had to be careful since the bathroom floor had just been polished and was very slippery. Unbeknownst to Connie or her parents, Pearl used the warp pad to sneak into said house. Tip-toeing up the stairs, Pearl was right outside of the 2nd floor bathroom.

(Whispering to herself) "Looks like Connie's training is still rusty, I'll just give her another lesson." Pearl whispered as she got up and kicked the bathroom door wide open.

"A-HA! STAY AWAY FROM STEVEN'S…..WAAAAAAAAHH!" Pearl slipped forward. Her swords had just missed Connie as they each stabbed the wall behind the scared Teen. Due to the momentum, the floor being slippery and Pearl rushing head first, her head fell lower than Connie's torso and her Nose crash landed into Connie's landing strip, all *”A Clockwork Orange”* like.

Realizing her mistake, Pearl tried to right herself (but couldn’t since the floor was slippery and only managed to drive her nose deeper into Connie) while saying in a muffled voice "Here let me help you out!" to which a horrified Connie mistook for "HERE LET ME EAT YOU OUT!"

Connie reacted by screaming at the top of her lungs while hitting Pearl in the head with the rolled up Abstinence Magazine over and over again.

Hearing the commotion, Connie's parents rushed in and saw the horrific scene in front of them which caused Connie's Mom to scream. Connie's Dad rushed over to Pearl, grabbed her away from Connie (the swords stayed stuck in the wall) and proceeded to beat the ever-loving-shit out of the supposed predatory Crystal Gem as Connie's Mom comforted her traumatized daughter. Needless to say, most of the BCPD (Beach City Police Department) was called in and arrested Pearl.

(Steven's home, after the trial)

Pearl is sitting in the living room with Amethyst, Garnet and Greg, they are glaring at her. She then said, "Look, I know I messed…"

"FUCKED!" Garnet corrected.

"Okay….I fucked up. But look, by becoming what these humans call a "sex-offender" I don't have to go to prison!" Pearl said.

"Pearl, by becoming a sex offender, you are barred from voting, owning a weapon (including blades) and your chances of landing a job are greatly reduced! Not to mention, society as a whole shun sex-offenders!" Garnet explained.

"Oh….shit." Pearl said.

"Every time I go into town; people are all "Hey you live with that sex offender Pearl!". Amethyst said all pissed.

"Also as part of the plea bargain, I had to fork over $50,000 to pay your bail, including compensation for psychological damages done to Connie! But the worst part, is how this affects Steven." Greg added.

Right on cue, Steven enters the home and tries to fight Pearl while Amethyst, Garnet and Greg hold him back.

"I FUCKING HATE YOU PEARL, FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY BROKEN, DEAD HEART!" Steven cried out.

"Steven…..look….." Pearl tried to explain.

"BECAUSE OF YOU, CONNIE'S PARENTS SENT HER BACK TO INDIA! SHE'S EVEN BETROTHED TO A DISTANT, TWICE-REMOVED, 2ND RELATIVE! PLUS, HER PARENTS BLAME ME FOR NOT BEING THERE TO PROTECT HER! WHEN I TRIED TO EXPLAIN, HER DAD SPAT AT ME WHILE HER MOM KICKED ME IN THE BALLS!" Steven explained through tears as his Dad hugged him.

"I was going to counter sue but the judge is clearly in the Maheswaren's favor, PEARL." Greg explained.

"Look, I know that I'll never be able to take back what I did, but Steven, there must be something I can do?" Pearl begged.

"Grow a penis w/ testicles." Steven said.

"Uhhhhhh Steven I…..(Steven just glares)…..OK, OK, OK…..(shapeshifts junk)…There, not sure how this (Steven kicks Pearl in the junk with all his strength) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGHHH!" Pearl cried out as she rolled up in fetal position on the ground in pain.

"NOW YOU KNOW A FRACTION OF MY PAIN!" Steven said as he stormed to his room to change.

The pain was so great that for some reason Pearl couldn't revert back to her normal genitals and as a result, was terrified of getting hurt downstairs.

Not even 20 minutes later, Steven walks downstairs w/ a shaved head, aviators, ripped leather jacket, black fingerless gloves, ripped jeans, black combat boots, a MAGA bandana and other tough guy stuff.

"Because you ruined my life, I'm going to live with Lapis and Peridot at the new Barn they constructed,we're going to play M-rated video games, watch Trump speeches and end each day with a BRAZZERS level threesome. And don't even bother visiting because I've already filed a restraining order that will be activated once I leave. And yes, I don't like Trump but if voting for him makes you miserable, then let him be president for life!" Steven said as he kicked Pearl in the junk again, causing her to fall on the ground in pain.

Just then Lapis (Peridot is holding onto her back) pulls up in a motorcycle with a boxcar. Steven gets in and puts on a Kaiser Helmet that also reads MAGA on the front as he gives Pearl two middle fingers as they drive off. Only to pull back up so Lapis and Peridot can have a shot at Pearl's Balls before leaving for good.

As Pearl was still in pain, Greg walks up and says "This is all your fault!" as he kicks her nuts.

Amethyst walks by and says "Thanks to you, I've lost my appetite!" as she also kicks Pearl's nuts.

Garnet unfuses into Sapphire and Ruby as they pummel Pearls balls with merciless intent before re-fusing back into Garnet as she summons a huge, gauntlet-like boot to kick Pearl's junk. The pain and shock was so great that Pearl passed out.

A/N: I'll have chapter 2 up sometime this week. Remember to treat others with respect and as always, PROTECT YOUR NUTS!

Chapter Text

A/N: Hey guys here's chapter 2!

Chapter 2: Pearl's new life/ Secret meeting

*Boardwalk*

After recovering, Pearl was walking down Boardwalk with Amethyst and Garnet, everyone they passed glared at Pearl. Many of the Beach City Denizens wore T-shirts in favor of Connie while some wore "KICK PEARL IN THE NUTS" attire. Some kids even threw dirt at Pearl's face but mainly her new junk. Each time it got severely damaged it would heal back only to get injured again. Pearl was like Prometheus who after giving the gift of fire to mortals, was chained in a mountain surrounded by a jungle w/ fierce beasts. But the worst part was each day an eagle would come and eat his liver, only for it to grow back every time it got eaten. But instead of getting her liver eaten, she got kicked in the balls.

Since Pearl was forbidden from owning any weapons, she could no longer be a full-time crystal gem (or a crystal gem in general), couldn't go on missions, missed out on awesome times and had to find a job. Resume after resume, application after application and interview after interview, Pearl's sex offender status kept her from landing a job, even Nanfaue Pizza turned her ass down the moment Pearl set foot in her office. Pizza was quoted saying "I'D BE DEPORTED BACK TO GHANA BEFORE I LET A PEDO LIKE YOU EVER WORK FOR ME!" Surprisingly, Pizza did offer Amethyst and Garnet jobs to which they politely declined. At 12:00 pm, Pearl sat with Garnet and Amethyst at the City-walk Fry store.

"If only there was a way to get rid of my status. That is possible right?" Asked Pearl.

"Not that I know of." Said Garnet.

"Wait I got an idea!" Said Amethyst.

"Really?" Pearl asked with hope in her eyes.

"Yeah you could turn into a pigeon and just fly away! Maybe you could also poop on the Maheswaren's car!" Amethyst suggested with a laugh.

"A pigeon?" Pearl said in a disappointed tone.

"What? It doesn't have to be a pigeon or even a bird, you could turn into a fish and swim away!" Amethyst added.

"But I hate shape-shifting!" Pearl said.

"True but you also hate your current position right?" Amethyst countered.

"Fair point." Said Pearl.

"Amethyst, if Pearl flees based on your suggestions, you would be held accountable." Said Garnet.

"Oh shit you're right!" Said Amethyst as she ate some fries.

Just then a campaign truck for Nanfaue Pizza drove by blasting her new motto: "I'D BE DEPORTED BACK TO GHANA BEFORE I LET A PEDO LIKE PEARL EVER WORK FOR ME!" to which numerous people cheered on.

"Wait, Connie's 18 though, how does that make me a pedophile?" Pearl asked.

"Most sex offender cases involve children." Answered Garnet.

"Oh." Pearl said defeated as she started to cry like a bitch.

"If only you had helped Connie instead of scarring her for life things wouldn't be this way." Said Amethyst.

(Stops crying) "Hey guys, if I help someone, could that lessen the blow?" Pearl Asked.

"Interesting point, what do you think Garnet?" Asked Amethyst.

"While it wouldn't reverse what you've already done, it should help you get back on your feet. But remember: don't help expecting a reward but rather help because it's common courtesy." Said Garnet.

"Awesome! Now who can I help?" Pearl wondered.

Buck Dewey, Jenny Pizza and Sour Cream are hanging out near the Big Donut when Buck accidently gets some donut filling on his shorts.

"Dammit!" Said Buck.

Seeing an opportunity, Pearl gets up and says "Don't Worry, I'll Help!"

Just as Pearl rises to the occasion, she trips on a board, accidentally grabs Buck's shorts and pulls them down as she falls. To make matters worse, she also grabbed his boxers.

Horrified, Jenny and Sour helped pull their friend's shorts and boxers up before beating Pearl up like a broken appliance. Bill who was taking a break at the time, saw what happened so he, Lars and Saddie joined in on the ass-whooping (Or ball-whooping). Garnet unfused back into Sapphire & Ruby and then joined Amethyst for lunch as the fight went on, to which they complained about the season 8 finale of Game of Thrones. Kicking Pearl's balls all black & blue turned out to be a huge father/son bonding moment for Bill and Buck.

After another trial, Pearl (with crutches and several bags of ice strapped to her groin) was forced to wear an ankle monitor.

*Next Day, Somewhere in the Woods*

Having regenerated from her previous injuries, Pearl made her way to a bridge to meet with someone.

"I shouldn't have to do this." Grumbled the figure.

"Look if you help me out I'll reward you…Bismuth." Pearl reassured.

Stepping into the light, Bismuth revealed herself.

"You know I can't be connected to this." Bismuth established.

"Absolutely!" Said Pearl.

(Inhale) "Alright, your best bet is to leave Earth and head back to Homeworld. I recommend talking to the Diamonds, also I never had this conversation with you." Bismuth Concluded.

Pearl replied with, "No worries, I've outlived my welcome here and would want nothing more than to haul ass back to Homewo(trips)OOOOOOOOOHHHH!"

Pearl tripped on a branch near the bridge and started to roll down the forest. During her tumble, her clothing got ripped to shreds as she made rotation after rotation covering her nude body in numerous scrapes, bruises and even some poison ivy. To make matters worse, her ankle monitor came off during her fall.

*Bottom of Ravine*

A Bible Karate Camp troop is sitting in a circle as each member recites a bible verse while performing a karate move. Right as the group is about to start, Pearl rolls into a fat member of the group, knocking him down and landing on top of him and accidentally kissing his lips.

"AAAAAHHHH BY MOSES’ BEARD, SATAN HAS SENT A NUDE ASSASSIN!" The fat teen yelled as he kneed Pearl in the junk and tossed her off.

The troop then presented their wooden training weapons, each one had gold crosses embroidered into them.

"Oh…. poopy." Was all Pearl said as she instinctively covered her balls in a vain attempt to protect them from the imminent pain-train.

Just then several S.W.A.T. members arrived after pinpointing Pearl's last location before she lost her monitor and followed several screams. To their amusement, they found Pearl tied to a tree and having each camper recite a bible verse while punishing her balls every time they healed. The S.W.A.T. reported what they saw and were told to wait until the kids were done before hurting Pearl themselves.

Due to the more significant damage, Pearl's nads took longer to heal so she had to wear a Dog Cone Collar while using a wheel-chair. Once she recovered, Pearl had to answer before the same judge for the 3rd time. The Former Crystal Gem plead to be deported back to Homeworld but the Judge wouldn't have any of it. Instead, the Judge ruled that Pearl must now have a tracking beacon inside her head and was forbidden from leaving Earth.

A/N: Well that's chapter 2, let me know what you guys think in the reviews below!

Chapter Text

A/N: Hey Guys here's a fresh new chapter!

Chapter 3: Degrade Wars

(Chapter name w/ Star Wars Intro Theme (John Williams version) as opening crawl starts)

In Beach-City, The Crystal Gem known as "PEARL" accidentally HARASSES Connie, thus becoming a SEX-OFFENDER. Infuriated, Steven disowns Pearl and TRICKS HER INTO GROWING MALE JUNK AND KICKS HER DOWNSTAIRS. As a result, Pearl is stuck in an awkward, painful and humiliating position. Despite this, her junk can REGENERATE AFTER GETTING HIT. Unable to flee back to HOMEWORLD, low on options and at the mercy of this crack fic's SADISTIC YET FAIR AUTHOR, Pearl decides to use said pain to her own advantage…...

(Theme ends along with the crawl)

A/N: The following contains some painful injuries and pee jokes.

*Outside Crystal Gem House*

(Using Megaphone while wearing a carney hat and jacket, shoes but only a speedo for her lower garments that reads "KICK ME" on the front and holding a cane whilst sporting a fake mustache) "STEP RIGHT UP! DON'T BE SHY! COME ONE COME All! FOR A $5.00 ADMISSION, YOU GET TO HIT MY UNPROTECTED JUNK! DON'T WORRY, AFTER A SHAPE-SHIFTING ERROR, I AM CURRENTLY STUCK WITH A PEEN AND TWO GONADS. BUT AS IT TURNS OUT THEY REGENERATE! I KNOW EVERYONE IN TOWN HATES ME AND AFTER CHECKING WITH THE FEDS, THIS DOESN'T VIOLATE MY PAROLE! SO COME ON DOWN AND TAKE YOUR ANGER OR PENT UP STRESS OUT ON ME!" Pearl announced as a long line of eager customers formed, the first customer was Amethyst.

"Hey Pearl all I have is a $20.00 bill." Said Amethyst.

(Puts down megaphone) "Well with $20.00 you can kick my nuts 4 times or you can choose one of these items!" Replied Pearl as she showed Amethyst a boxing glove, football, a big 2x4, fly swatter, school ruler, A Razzie Award for "Worst Picture" reserved for the upcoming Steven Universe The Movie by Rebecca Sugar, a golf club & ball and even a wiffle bat w/ a nail in it.

"I'll go with the club and ball!" Said Amethyst as she paid Pearl, put the tee into the ground, placed the ball on top and hit the golf ball with her club, causing it to bounce off a tree, a sign and finally a huge rock before striking Pearl right in the stones. Pearl falls down and rolls up crying.

"YES!" Said Amethyst.

Greg and Garnet show up.

"Pearl what the Fuck are you doing?!" Greg asked.

"Hey Greg I'm charging people $5.00 to kick my regenerating junk!" Answered Pearl as she got back up.

As Greg was about to protest, Garnet unfused back into Sapphire and Ruby.

"YIPPIE! HERE'S $5.00!" Said Ruby as she handed Pearl her money causing Sapphire and Greg to face-palm.

Pearl stands in front of Ruby as she uses a Falcon-Kick on Pearl's junk causing her to roll up in pain but still smile and give a thumbs up.

("Good thing this speedo is fire-proof!") Pearl though to herself.

While hesitant at first, Greg and Sapphire decided to pay Pearl so they could hit her nuts. Greg went with the boxing glove while Sapphire used the wiffle bat w/ the nail. Greg channeled his inner strength and uppercutted Pearl’s sack, both of her family jewels shattered into a million bloody pieces of tissue, as she fell on her back several feet away, after some intense screaming she replied with “.........my jewels.”

Gifted with seeing into the future, Sapphire readied herself, swings and…..

(Monty Python INTERMISSION card shows up with music as the nail-wiffle bat hits Pearl's junk. Although the card blocks the shocking image, the music fails to drown out Pearl's horrific, agonizing, painful cries along with the sound of her profuse bleeding)

….. as Pearl tries to regenerate in a pool of her own pee-blood as she silently sobs to herself, Sapphire holds the now broken, bloody, nail-wiffle bat and poses like she's on a baseball card. While Ruby snaps a photo and goes all Gaga while blushing all girly, the rest of the attendees are pissed Sapphire broke the nail-wiffle bat before they could have a turn with it. Despite this setback, people still went and payed good money to hit Pearl in the balls.

As the day went on, Pearl kept getting kicked and payed, to the point where she could literally swim in cash. But with every business, there's always competition.

"Hey guys look, there's this other sex offender named Kevin who lives next door whose letting people squirt him with super-soakers loaded with piss for $5.00 each!" Said a bystander.

A/N: Kevin is a Pedophile, just watch his reaction to Stevonnie un-fusing and how he still chose to pursue Stevonnie even though Steven and Connie were underage in the show. Anyway, on with the crack fic.

As a result, Pearl's crowd went over to Kevin's booth. To make matters worse, Steven, Lapis and Peridot (in MAGA attire) were shooting piss-super soakers at Kevin as he wore a shirt with a Hillary Clinton campaign logo on the front. Pearl was startled but Steven told the frightened Gem that the limit was 5 ft. but Pearl still kept her distance. Although he wanted to see Pearl get in trouble, Steven also hated Kevin so after he, Lapis and Peridot finished, they sat on a hill to watch the upcoming battle between the two offenders.

For once in her life, Pearl wasn't going to give up that easily.

(Cue John Williams' Duel of the Fates)

Pearl stepped up her game by purchasing whips, chains and hot wax from an BDSM store causing Kevin's fans to run back to her in droves. While Pearl was recovering from all of the hot wax, Kevin retaliated by allowing customers to piss on him directly. As this was happening, Pearl would step up her game via letting attendees use stun-guns on her junk. Desperate, Kevin would let people throw piss-filled water balloons at his face. Refusing to surrender, a Hell-bent Pearl resorted to wearing a Chasity-Belt designed to look and act like a Mawe Bullet-Ant Glove complete with live bullet ants. (stingers inward) Kevin would fire back by allowing people to bring their pets to mark their territory on him. Running out of ideas, Pearl was forced to repair the broken wiffle bat with flex-tape and swap out the old, beat-up nail with a new, higher-quality, sharpened one.

What started out as a skirmish erupted into an arms race as Kevin and Pearl tried to outdo each other by degrading themselves to get the most customers/cash. As the competition intensified, both events were shut down by law enforcement. Although the two didn't violate either of their paroles, they were having a negative impact on neighboring businesses. Pearl and Kevin had to fork over 90% of the earnings they each made to the businesses they had hurt.

"Well, time flies when you're having fun." Steven said, a little let down that the events had ended.

"Don't worry Steven, this crack story still has a chapter or two left in it. In the meantime, whaddya say you, Peridot and I head back to the barn for another BRAZZERS-style threesome?" Lapis asked Steven as she and Peridot licked their lips.

"Fuck Yeah!" Steven said as he and his 2 lovers went to celebrate back at the barn.

After the payments were settled, Pearl and Kevin apologized to each other and hugged. (Even though Kevin was still drenched in piss but Pearl didn't care) After the hug, they each went home.

A/N: Hey guys, next chapter should be up in a few days! Enjoy!

Chapter Text

A/N: After much thought, I've decided to combine both of the final chapters into one. Glad I'm not Pearl in this story!

Chapter 4: A Way Out?

*Pearl's Room*

Although house-arrest wasn't a part of her sentence, Pearl refused to leave the house out of fear. Having lost her best chance at escaping from the law and her only chance to make money, Pearl sat in her room and cried while bitching.

"IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR! I TEACH STEVEN ABOUT SOCAL JUSTICE, TRICKED GARNET INTO BECOMING SARDONYX, NEARLY REMOVED STEVEN'S GEM IN A FUTILE ATTEMPT TO BRING BACK ROSE….(thinks for a moment)….okay those were actually bad things…..BUT THANKS TO CONNIE, BUCK, THE KARATE BIBLE CAMP SCOUTS AND NOW SOME BIG CORPORATIONS, I HAVE NO FREEDOM!" Pearl sobbed even more. Since she was forbidden from having access to the internet, Pearl couldn't satisfy her chubby-chasing needs and even if she could, she was afraid of accidently injuring her chode. As a result, she had to wear an athletic cup at all times.

After crying for a solid hour, Pearl looked out her window and saw a bird fly towards a distant, unpopulated island.

(Sniff) "Lucky bird….." Pearl pouted.

Just then Amethyst, Greg, Ruby and Sapphire opened Pearl's door and walked in.

"Pearl, we got a message from the judge." Said Greg.

"Okay." Pearl said as she was about to undo her cup.

"No that won't be necessary." Said Greg.

"Phew." Pearl said with a sigh of relief.

"Anyway, your crying and bitching has been keeping people in Beach City up all night so the judge is giving you two choices: Execution, or Exile to that Island you were just fantasizing about." Explained Greg.

"Oh Execution would be awesome!" Pearl said with the first smile she had in ages, even her chode and nuts were happy.

A/N: Not enough bleach.

Amethyst then said "Pearl, I think you should take the latter, because now…."

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO GET KICKED IN THE BALLS?!" Pearl roared at Amethyst.

"DUH YEAH I DO! EVERYNIGHT WHEN NO ONES LOOKING I SHAPESHIFT INTO A GUY AND TAKE PART IN SELF BALL PUNCHING FOR…..HEY DON'T JUDGE ME WE ALL HAVE OUR KINKS" Said Amethyst.

"Fair point…..where were we?" Pearl asked trying to get the image of a rule 63 Amethyst punching herself in the balls for fun out of her head.

"You wanting to be Executed instead of Exile." Amethyst answered.

"Oh yeah thanks Amethyst! Anyway….(clears throat but pauses)…Okay look I had a huge rant but I can't focus so long story short I feel that exile will just lead to something worse." Pearl said.

"Actually you'll be safer there." Said Ruby.

"Nanefou Pizza says that all offenders in Beach City are to be sent to said island away from the general public, while you can't leave the island, any non-offender attempting to travel there will be arrested." Said Sapphire.

Filled with joy, Pearl leapt in the air as if she had just shaken hands with Hilary Clinton.

*Docks*

Pearl is with Kevin, Mystery Girl, and several other pedos on a boat as it takes them to said island. They wave goodbye as the citizens of Beach City boo and pelt them with rocks but keep missing. Confident that she's safe, Pearl foolishly removes her cup and holds it in the air as numerous people try to land a hit but fail. Just then Steven arrives and manages to score a perfect, text book shot at Pearl's now vulnerable junk, causing the proud gem much pain and humiliation as everyone praises Steven. Even better, Lapis filmed the whole shot and uploaded it to YouTube where it became the most viewed video.

*Island*

Upon arriving Pearl and her new friends have to live in FEMA tents, eat dry sandwiches out of Styrofoam containers, and use porta pottys for bathrooms. It's all reminiscent of the ill-fated Fyre Festival.

"Well Pearl, at least you're safe, I wonder how things are with Steven?" Pear asked herself.

*Barn*

Although he misses Connie, Steven enjoyed living with Lapis and Peridot. The two Homeworld Gems treated Steven like a king nay, an emperor from meals, cleaning and even sex. The half-gem is in bed with Lapis and Peridot.

"That was amazing." Lapis cooed.

"And exquisite." Added Peridot.

"Thanks Babes, now less talking and more sucking." Said Steven as he pointed to his junk.

Lapis and Peridot happily obliged as they both made out with his dick.

*Island*

Pearl goes to her FEMA tent and goes to sleep and dreams of sticking her chode into Rose, but feels a sharp pain downstairs.

"AAAAAGH!" Pearl screamed.

"Sorry!" Said Kevin as he was playing football with the other offenders.

As Pearl recovers, Mystery Girl arrives and tries to comfort Pearl.

"Don't worry, let me help." Says Mystery Girl as she strips.

Just as Mystery Girl pulls Pearl's bottoms down, she stops, looks at Pearl's equipment, and laughs.

"Wait what's funny?" Pearl questions.

"THAT!" Mystery Girl laughs as she points to Pearl's package.

"I don't understand." Said Pearl all concerned.

(Heavy Weapons Guy TF2 impression) "IT'S SO TINY!" Mystery girl laughs before going back to her actual voice.

"Oh….." Pearl said all sad.

"HEY EVERYONE, COME LOOK AT PEARL'S MICRO-DICK!" Said Mystery Girl as she opens the tent door as everyone points and laughs at Pearl.

Pearl then thought to herself, "Well, looks like this chapter will end like it always…."

"LEAVE PEARL ALONE YOU ASSHATS!" Said a voice, causing everyone to look behind them.

"WHO SAID THAT?!" Barked Mystery Girl.

"THAT WOULD BE…..ME OF COURSE!" Kevin Rebounded.

"Whatever." Said Mystery Girl as she and her friends left.

"Thanks Kevin!" Pearl said as she threw her arms around Kevin and kissed him.

*Beach City Hall*

Steven, Lapis and Peridot are escorted by guards into Nanefua's office and are instructed to sit down.

"Thanks for inviting us Mrs. Pizza." Said Steven.

"The pleasure's mine." Said Pizza.

"So, what is it you wanted to show us?" Asked Steven.

"This, (reveals red button) press this and Pearl will be taken care of." Said Pizza.

As Steven presses the button, a rocket is launched from a secret position from a rock in the ocean and heads towards the Island Pearl and Kevin are on. Upon impact, the device releases every President Trump Speech, causing the inhabitants to die slow agonizing deaths.

Pearl was the last one standing. As the sounds dimmed, everyone from the show was walking towards her yet they all looked demonic and wanted to kick her nuts.

The former Crystal Gem tried to apologize while punching herself downstairs, "I'M SORRY (OW) I'M SORRY (OW) I'M SORRY (OW) I'M SORRY (OW) I'M SORRY…!

*Pearl's Room*

"PEARL, PEARL WAKE UP!" Said Steven.

"WHO, WHAT, WHERE?!" Pearl awoke confused and noticed people were looking at her.

"Pearl…."Said Steven.

"STEVEN I'M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING PLEASE DON'T PUNCH ME DOWN (notices her anatomy is different) Wait, my junk, it's a landing strip again." Pearl said.

"Junk?" Steven asked.

"STEVEN I HAD THE WORST NIGHTMARE (proceeds to tell whole nightmare) I PROMISE TO RESPECT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH CONNIE!" Pearl sobbed as she hugged Steven.

"Oh Pearl, don't worry, Connie won't harm you because she's been arrested." Said Steven.

"Wait I'm confused." Said Pearl.

"Connie drugged your sword handles so she could cut your nose off and turn it into a vibrator but I stopped her in the nick of time." Said Garnet since she can see into the future.

"EGADS!' Said Pearl.

"The drug she made tricked you into living a different reality than our actual reality." Garnet explained.

"Don't worry, she's spending the rest of her life behind bars." Said Amethyst.

"Pearl, you're my hero!" Said Steven as he and everyone else hugged Pearl.

"I LOVE YOU ALL!" Said Pearl.

"GOD BLESS PEARL, GOD BLESS REBECCA SUGAR, AND GOD BLESS PRESIDENT HILLARY CLINTON!" Said Garnet.

"YES, GOD BLESS….but wait... I thought...Trump...?…OH NO!" Said Pearl.

*Island*

"PEARL, PEARL, WAKE UP!" Said Kevin.

"KEVIN PLEASE TELL ME I DON'T HAVE ANY JUNK!" Asked Pearl as she punched herself downstairs only to roll in pain.

"Nope, unfortunately you still have junk." Said Kevin.

"Look what's wrong?" Asked Pearl.

"That." Kevin said as he pointed to a boat that unleashed numerous unneutered, angry, hungry and horny pit pulls. All of whom were male.

"Oh…. bollocks." Said Pearl as she, Kevin and everyone on the island got eaten.

The End

A/N: And it's finished. Let me know what you guys think! Feedback is welcome!

Also I’m happy to announce that Minorsmile and I are writing the sequel! See you soon!