Archive of Our Own ^beta

"This is so messed up on so many levels," muttered Virgil.

"Oh, I didn't know you were all for starving in the wilderness, Virgil," called out Janus as he loaded food into a sack from across the cave.

"Yeah man, just let us have an easy win," said Roman.

"No, just think about what we're going to try to do for a second," said the emo frustratedly. "This whole thing is insane! Even right now, we're just looting a cave like a bunch of thieves."

"Falsehood," corrected Logan. "This isn't insane. It's merely high-risk actions that seem borderline insane."

"You keep telling yourself that," the doctor said as he patted him on the back.

"Besides, it's perfectly normal to pick up loot from any battle you've won," added Roman. "Which is why ALL THE SCENTED SHAMPOOS ARE MINE AND YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY."

"Now, now, Roman," said Patton gently. "You knkw we can only take what we absolutely need from here. It's still someone's home, even if she did try to kill us! Besides, do you really wanna be carrying all those shampoos at once for the rest of the trip? Even though you're super strong, it'd still be a hairy situation."

"Fiiiine," groaned the red twin, setting down his sack disappointedly.

"Plus I already drank them all, soooo...." Remus added as he tossed an empty shampoo bottle to the floor with a crash. "The flavor was alright, but it's always disappointing how they never make it with real poo."

"Wait, then what's in all of these bottles I've been packing up?" Roman picked up an opaque green bottle with a cork stopper and swished it around for emphasis.

"Diarrhea!!" said the green twin, grinning brightly.

The prince dropped the bottle onto the floor immediately and sprinted towards the back of the cave. I'm gonna boil my hands in the hot tub for forever!"

"You still haven't figured out-" started to call out Virgil. "Oh, whatever. He's semi-invincible, he can get himself boiled like spaghetti if he wants. Whatever."

"Said the pale purple pucelle about a princely paramour," the duke sang.

"Everyone ignore Remus' desperate cries for attention," said Logan before Patton could throw hands with the mustachioed villain who dared insult his son. "Tomorrow we leave precisely at 5:00 AM, so you should all make sure to hydrate and ear properly before getting a full night's sleep."

"Ooh, ooh, I'll make dinner for everyone!!" Patton volunteered cheerily, all traces of his rage from a few seconds ago replaced with pure excitement at being able to help out.

"That might not be terrible," admitted Virgil semi-affectionately.

"Yes, I can't wait to see what sort of meal you provide us with that will definitely be healthy, delicious, and well-balanced," commented Janus.

And so, half an hour later, things got rather awkward when Patton set down a platter in front of everyone that was just a sugary, fruity, oversized blob on top of a bunch of sliced bread.

"Logan blinked several times before opening his mouth. "Patton. Patton, what is this?"

"I took some of the jams you weren't eating, mixed them with berries and nuts from outside, added all the sugars I found in the cupboard to make it extra sweet, then mixed it some more and served it on top of all this bread so you could scoop it up like a bread spoon!" The hopeful priest clasped his hands together expectantly. "Whaddya think?"

".... I am at a loss of words," states Logan slowly.

"For once," Princey scoffed.

"This is," the professor took a deep breath. "Words cannot begin to describe how little nutritional value this meal has."

"Uh, hypocrite much?" Virgil rolled his eyes.

"Yes, that is a tad unusual statement from the man that was making us eat rationed seedless jelly once a day and literally nothing else," said Janus. "It does seem as though your leadership is a bit.... inconsistent."

"Those were entirely different circumstances," snapped Logan. "We had nothing but those jellies, and some rather stale pastries, and were on a mission that seemed to only take a few days at most. Our main objective was survival and reaching this cave, not maintaining optimal health. We needed to prioritize. And you-"

Logan whipped his head around and shot a deathly glare at Patton. "Didn't we talk about this previously? Your childish antics and worldview are contributing nothing to neither this group nor our ultimate goal. You don't even have any abilities!!"

Up until now, Patton's face had been almost constantly beaming with joy, excitement, or some other form of positive energy. But when Logan yelled at him, his face turned blank, and when his friend's words sunk in, his face assumed a simple expression of quiet pain and sadness.

"Enough!" Virgil snapped. "What are you doing?" The platter rattled.

"You're hurting him," Janus pointed out flatly.

"Hurt? I'm not hurt, you guys!" Patton had hastily put on a happy face once more. "Though it sure is hot in here! It's making my cheeks turn bread." His face was flushing with blood.

"I wanna eat some nuts!" declared Remus, and he started digging in to his dinner.

~~~~

The seventh splinter of Thomas' mind was lonely. And bored. And hungry. For several days, he had been kept in a small white cell so blank it made the North Pole look like the Pride Parade. The cell was just large enough to stand up and pace around in if one walked in a small circle, but pacing was an incredibly mind-numbingly boring exercise so mostly he spent his days waiting for his daily meal to be pushed through a slot in the door on the wall and humming little ditties. Sometimes if he suddenly stopped his music, he could hear talking on the other side of the door, although that would always die down quickly when whoever was talking realized he could hear them, so that was a dead end as well.

To be fair, one truly interesting thing had happened to him in his rather short existence, although it had been before he'd been thrown in this stupid cell. The first time he'd woken up, he wad bound in chains and surrounded by guards on the floor of the throne room. It had appeared to be in full emergency session mode, with advisors, councillors, and all sorts of important people frantically discussing things that sounded not only important but interesting as well for once.

When he tried to stand up and ask what was happening, the guards immediately all turned their weapons on him.

"Don't move, creature," growled a guard.

He opened his mouth to speak, but then noticed a tiny detail that clicked everything into place in his mind: the Galganofi lying on the empty throne, its gem glowing as much as a random river pebble. As he looked around the room and saw the looks of fear and revulsion on everyone's faces, it occured to him that he was not Thomas, and whoever he was, he was in some deep spit.

After a few more hours surrounded by guards in the throne room, he was escorted to the castle infirmary, where some registered magical nurses took a few samples from him. And then, finally, he'd been blindfolded and tossed into this boring-@$2 cell, where he'd stayed for the past few days.

He hummed some more, then abruptly stopped, hoping to catch some gossip from outside. It worked.

"-not nearly as violent as the others," said a muffled voice from the other side of the door. "He just hums. Plus he's actually right here, where we can keep an eye on him, instead of wandering around who-the-hecc-even-knows-where."

"Shut up man, he's tryna eavesdrop again, can't you tell?" said another voice, higher pitched but still muffled.

"Oh, well uhh, I like cheesy omelettes with a side of bacon a lot, y'know? It's the best breakfast, but only if you serve it cold."

"Seriously? Lemme show you the error of your ways and buy you a toasty strawberry bagel tomorrow...."

He tuned out and started humming again, mulling over this information in his head. So there were others, and they were out there in the world, somewhere the guards couldn't find.

He hoped they were doing alright.