Chapter Text
April 5th 2022
When Riki opened his eyes in the morning, he knew it was going to be a good day, call it a hunch but for the first time in a while, Riki didn't wake up dreading the next few hours.
It was a sunny day with few clouds, the bakery across the street from their dorm was open so Heeseung and Jay went to get them breakfast. They ate together and then got ready for their day that would be filled with grueling schedules.
It wasn't always warm during the spring, there were few times when it was just chilly or it was pouring rain so Riki decided that it would be a great day to wear his new hoodie that’ he’d been dying to wear since he got it and a pair of Heeseung’s joggers that he forgot to give back.
He decided to take a chance and walk to the company building after breakfast, to which his members were cautious of. They weren't supposed to walk anywhere alone, for safety reasons of course but it was the early morning and it was only a twenty minute walk, his Hyungs said yes on the condition that he let them know when he got in the building.
Riki didn’t like being alone much but today was one of those days where he needed to clear his head before he was bombarded with the tedious life of being an idol. The sun shining on his skin made him refreshed. He took a moment to admire the bustling streets of Seoul and the cherry blossom trees that only come around during the spring. For such a beautiful tree it’s a shame you can see it only once a year.
A twenty minute walk had never felt so short, before he knew it, he was standing in front of the Hybe building. The idol walked in waving hello to the security guards, smiling as they nodded to him, he knew most of their names and would often make small talk when he had the chance.
He greeted the two receptionists as he walked towards the elevator and rode up to the tenth floor, the building had nineteen floors altogether but the tenth is primarily where all the artists had their dance practices. Each floor had their own respective purposes and Riki found himself wondering what they were all for, Enhypen only used the tenth, sixth, and eighth for their work but Riki used the fifth often for his Korean lessons. It was the floor where all foreign idols used for their language classes, it was normal for Riki to be curious on what the other floors in the building were used for.
They debuted a year ago but it still felt weird to be on the same floor as other well known artists, just last week while he was looking for the cafeteria after straying away from Sunghoon although after a year he should already know where all the places should be) he had bumped into Jeon Jungkook and Kim Taehyung, although he had met them before during the band’s I-Land days it was so surreal seeing them, he was completely starstruck and stuttered a bit when they asked him if he needed help of course he took the offer and they showed him the way to the cafeteria.
Coincidentally they were also having lunch with their group as well so Riki was happy he didn't bother them too much. He hoped that he would bump into them again, to give them a proper thanks, the ride up seemed shorter than usual. Soon enough the doors to the elevator opened and he got out.
Riki had eaten before he had left, his Hyungs had brought sandwiches, but walking towards their usual practice room he saw their vending machine had been restocked with his favorite snacks and he’d been feeling withdrawal symptoms for a while so he took the chance and got himself a Homerun Ball, it was a chocolate filled ball snack that he was obsessed with but it had been out of stock for weeks now so Riki had to get it before his love ran out on him again.
Walking into the big room he noticed it was empty, he knew the other six would be here shortly but expected to see their dancing instructor, he was always there before them. He’d show up thirty minutes early to stretch his body and get ready for the usual two hour session.
Although Riki hated stretches it was a key role in any dance routine and he had been struggling a lot with the practice for the comeback so he wanted to be ready to dance his ass off. 20 minutes had passed, as the young boy was getting up to throw away his snack, the door had opened, the seven people he had been waiting on for a little longer than expected had arrived, and so the torture for the day began.
“Ni-ki, off beat and slow again!” Baek-su their choreographer practically yelled as the groups worked through the dance for their lead single for their new album, they’d been learning the choreography for the past week and today was the third day of practice, to get down all the moves and details but for some reason Riki was always messing up. Riki grunted under his breath, closing his eyes in disappointment just like that, all his hard work went down the drain he told himself he would be better today. He had gotten up early and walked to the studio so he could be better but he wasn’t and he could feel it too.
It had been almost three hours of practice, three hours of going through the routine one step at a time and just when he thought he had it down, he was utterly disappointed. He felt like a lost cub stumbling through the forest with no sense of direction, relying on the people around him to figure out which way to go. He was dancing worse than he was when he was in I-land, back then he could try and make mistakes but here was a different ball game, he couldn't make mistakes and hoped the older boys around would help him get up, here he was just letting the team down. If Eunwoo were still here, maybe it would be better. He thought, opening his eyes and seeing the concerned looks his Hyungs were giving him, that only made the shame he felt worse. There was a part of him that deeply wanted to run out of the studio, find an empty dark room and just hide, shield himself away from the embarrassment.
The verse ended and the choreographer paused the music. "This - It's good so far. A few corrections– Heeseung, you need to spread your right further out when you do the slight lunge, during this part," he demonstrated, "Sunghoon, you don't have to keep your arms so stiff and close together, you can move your arms a little more but not too fast in this move, and..." He paused, turning to Riki. "I'm just confused because last week you were learning the moves flawlessly but today we have this problem, you're not executing the choreography sharply enough. This choreography is supposed to be smooth but sharp, right? You’re falling behind and I know that you can do better." Baek-su wasn't wrong, he was just brutally honest, the taller man was talking to everyone about their mistakes and what they should be different to improve but still Riki felt like he was being personally targeted, like everyone else’s mistakes wasn't at the center table and his was the only ones on display.
“I’m sorry, I’ll try harder” Riki responded, shifting his eyes from the other members to their choreographer, seeing the disappointment in his eyes making his own shame worse. He was trying but he also knew that the choreographer was right, he wasn't making tiny little mistakes like the rest of them, he was a whole step behind and still was failing to get the routine right.
“I don't need you to try, I need you to focus and do it right, Alright, let's go again” He called out.
The boys nodded, getting into position. “The full song, I want this to be the last run through”
Riki took a deep breath, shaking off his nerves, following in suit with the other members, and looking towards the full-length mirrors. For some reason, he felt a little unsettled, like there was a tiny scab making its way into his mind, interfering with how he was communicating with his body, unfortunately he didn't have the time to dwell as the music started, he tried to let his body move, to feel the music and let go with the rhythm but he just couldn’t.
Riki felt like his body had completely disconnected from his mind, he was trying so hard to make his dancing as fierce and smooth as the others but it wasn't working, it felt like his limbs were giving up on him, taking the next train out of town and leaving his mind to do the rest on their own, he was sweating more than usual, he couldn't tell if it was because he was extremely nervous or embarrassed.
It was getting harder to breathe and his chest felt like it was going to explode. He shifted his gaze to the floor needing something to keep him steady, he couldn't look up, seeing his members execute the choreo perfectly while he stumbled about, couldn't look at the choreographer, meeting his annoyed face staring back at him.
Riki had been so lost in his head that he didn't realize he had missed his cue and stumbled back and stepped on Jake’s foot, the older boy reaching out to steady and keep him from falling back and hitting his head on the hardwood. Jake stopping to help the younger boy caused Sunoo to bump into him and almost fall if it wasn't for his quick reflexes but that small instance caused the whole routine to fall off.
“Stop, stop, stop.” Their choreographer called out, frowning at the young boy, cutting the music, and Riki knew he was doomed.
“What’s going on with this kid?” The choreographer mumbled to himself, but Riki heard the words loud and clear, and even though he asked himself this question again for the past hour, the words still hurt, he was trying his best and even that wasn't enough.
The Japanese boy felt like his heart was beating out of his chest, like something was weighing him down and that was the reason why he was so off today.
"Okay, um," Jungwon said, " How about we take a five-minute break? We’ve been on this for hours, I think some of us might be a little tired."
"That's a good idea." The choreographer decided. "You guys- get water, have a snack, Ni-ki, I better see perfection when I come back.”
While everyone left their positions to grab some refreshments, Riki stood in place, looking toward the floor again. He thought today was going to be great, but instead he’s being scolded for every move he makes. He wanted so desperately to join the others, needing a simple drop of water to lift his strengths but he didn't feel deserving of it. Riki didn't go as hard as Jay, Heesung and the others, all he did was make mistakes after mistakes and caused them to lose formation. Riki was broken out of his thoughts of self pity when he felt a hand on his shoulder.
“Ni-ki?” It was Jungwon.
Riki jumped at the sudden contact, looking up and meeting his eyes. “Hey.” His heart rate spiked a little. Jungwon was going to scold him, deep down he knew that. The leader was disappointed in his dance performance, but he couldn't handle another person being disappointed in him when he was already disappointed in himself.
Choreography was one of the important part of a comeback, and he had already messed that up, he was falling behind while everyone else was going further to success, maybe Jungwon had decided to take him out of the comeback completely, he had messed up the recording for one of their songs two weeks ago and now the dance was off, all because of him. It was so obvious that he couldn't do this. His parts were easy enough that anyone could do them. Riki hoped that his brain was just messing with him and Jungwon was just coming over to praise him for his somewhat good job today.
He wanted to go cry, hide where he didn't have to hear the disappointed tones of his members, he looked like he wanted to breakdown, hug Jungwon as tightly as he could and sob his heart out of hours, the older boy’s eyes soften looking at the younger boy who was few inches taller than him.
“Bubs, are you okay?” Jungwon looked at Riki, a worrisome expression plastered on his face.
"What?" Riki's eyebrows furrowed.
"You seem a little... out of it, not just today but lately." Jungwon explained. "I just want to make sure that everything is okay, that you’re in a good headspace”
“Oh, um,” Riki stuttered. This conversation wasn't what he expected, and it’s not helping the butterflies from settling in his stomach either. “I’m good, I, uh, I’ve just been thinking a lot, too much going on in my head, but, I’m okay, I promise.” He fumbled with his words. His chest felt as if it was getting tighter and tighter as he kept talking, struggling to find air.
“Too much on your mind?” Jungwon smiled. “ If you’re stressed, you can take a walk, no one’s going to judge you.” He reassured the young boy, the older of the two knew they all had their breaking point and it seemed like Riki was struggling to keep up all day, so it would only be right for him to offer some time away for the younger to gather his thoughts.
Riki’s eyes widened. This was not how this conversation was supposed to go, Jungwon had every right to be mad at him, he was concerned and if he admitted that he knew he wasn't doing his best, that would be more reason to give the leader to throw him off this comeback, he would lose even more his parts, he already screwed up three songs, there could be no more setbacks, he wouldn't let it happen.
“No, it’s- I’m good, everyone has a lot on their mind right now, I don’t—” Riki fumbled over his words, his eyes continuously switching between Jungwon and the floor. “I just want to get this over with, everything’s fine, please can we just drop this?” He insisted, his mind in full panic mode.
Jungwon took notice that Riki was agitated, the younger boy clearly wanting to get out of this conversion and move on, the older still looked at him with worry. “Are you hurt? Did something happen when you came in today?”
Riki shook his head, “No” He mentally hit himself for answering the question so quickly.
His suspicions was confirmed when he saw Jungwon’s head tilt. “Where? What’s wrong?” If his eyes could soften more, they would’ve.
“ No, no, nothing happened, I promise I’m fine.” Riki felt like he was pleading now, desperately trying to convince the older boy that he was okay when deep down, he was far from it, he didn't want to attract any more attention, sometimes he wished his hyungs didn't care because then he wouldn't feel like he was a burden.
Jungwon frown didn’t falter. “Riki, I know you’re putting on a brave face, but something’s obviously wrong, if you’re injured, it’s okay to take a break, hiding it, pushing through the pain, it’s- it’s not a good idea.” He sighed, shaking his head. if something was wrong, you have to tell me, or someone, just don’t keep it in.”
My dancing can’t be that bad, can it? I know I’ve been a little sloppy but- does everyone think I’m hurt? Riki’s heart started racing going though all the possibilities that his teammates were thinking about him.
Riki nodded. “Right, I- I know I’m fine really, just need a minute.” Riki tried one last time to reassure the older boy, partly to get him off his case but also because he just wanted this little nightmare to end, wanted to finish this so he could go hide away from all the disappointed and worried looks.
“Alright.” Jungwon sighed in defeat, he wouldn’t be able to get through to the youngest, he knew something was wrong, Riki had been a little off for the past two weeks now and as much as Jungwon tried to talk the tall boy would just brush it off, he thought maybe today would be different, he was wrong.
“Okay guys, break’s over” The choreographer announced and soon enough the seven boys were back into formation, starting the choreography from the top.
Riki was thinking too much, he knew that. But he needed to focus and the only way to do that was to think about his movements, he needed to brain to concentrate on the next steps but he was thinking too much, his mind was all over the place. He tried to block everything out, to stop thinking and just move to the beat, even tried counting it out, but nothing worked, he either went too fast or too slow, which he got reprimanded for, did not help his already deflating confidence much. As time went on, everyone got tired and Riki’s movements got more sloppy.
By the time practice ended, Riki felt completely hopeless and exhausted. His heart hadn't stopped pounding, his legs felt as they would give out. He wanted to call it a day and go home, take a nice long shower and hide in his bed, pretending like this day wasn't a complete failure. So in the moment where everyone had gathered their things up, he made the decision to ask of one his Hyungs if he could stay behind a little while longer so he could sharpen his skills, the only problem was finding who to ask.
Riki loitered near the center of the room, glancing between the six boys, determined who would be best to convince, Jay and Sunghoon had been hovering around him all day, making sure he ate breakfast before he left, or had water and money, they had been eying him since practice started, they were worried for him, there was no chance they would let him stay behind. Jungwon pulled him aside because he was concerned Riki was hurt so that was another no, Jake and Sunoo weren't even an option, they would drag the boy out if they have too, that leaves Heesung, his oldest Hyung, the more laid back less cautious he was tired, extremely drained from all their schedules so it was likely that he would say yes, although Riki felt a bit guilty using the oldest’s exhaustion to get what he wanted. But he wouldn't get the answer he wanted from the others so he pushed his guilt back and walked over to the blue haired boy, who was by the front door, in the midst of packing up his bag.
“Hyung,” He said, Heeseung looking up from his phone as Riki approached.
“Hey,” Heeseung smiled. “ So, me and Jay and cooking tonight, any recommendations? ” He asked, eyes full of joy, the two oldest barely cooked together it was only rare occasions that Jay would let anyone in the kitchen with him, especially Heeseung, it hurt the young boy to decline his offer. Riki get comfort in knowing that the oldest look to him for suggestions on what to cook for whole group. Riki wanted to relax and enjoy his night at home with his Hyungs enjoying a plate of delicious food but deep down he knew that he couldn’t, his mind was at crossroads, he didn’t think he deserved a chance to relax after the trouble he caused today.
“Thanks, but I was thinking of staying back a little longer so I can keep working on the choreography, I wasn’t exactly on my feet today” Or this week, he thought. Riki hadn’t been good all week, he was falling behind when he should’ve been on top and he hoped Heesung understood, hoping he was too tired to argue and just went along with what the younger boy wanted.
“No, that’s not a good idea, We all have hard days and I know it’s been rough this past week but it’s best not to dwell on them and move on, you’ll be better tomorrow.” Heeseung put a hand on his shoulder as a way of comfort, but Riki only took this as pity. “You’ll only stress yourself out, and that doesn’t help anyone.”
“N-No, that’s not true, I want to work through a few parts, it won’t take long, I promise,” Riki pleaded, feeling desperate, it felt like the conversation with Jungwon all over again the older boy thinking he’s right and the younger trying to prove his point. This had to work, he had to get Heeseung to agree before the others came over, trying to convince one was hard enough but two would be impossible.
“Yeah the last time you said that you weren’t back home, fit three hours after you said this would only take one.” Heeseung reminded that young boy, Riki remembered that day, he didn't have his phone on him because it had died, he and Eunwoo had ended up having more to work then they expected and the former instructor was to focused on the choreography to tell the boys himself, they ended up leaving the studio at 2am, when the young boy had arrived back at the dorms, Heeseung, Jay and Jungwon was still up waiting for him, he was scolded for 10 minutes before they took his phone privileges away and he went to bed, Riki wasn’t allowed to stay back after practice ended anymore, he had hoped after a few months his Hyung's would have forgotten about that.
“But that’s was months ago, I won’t be long this time, and I won’t be able to move on from my mistake if I can’t work through them.” The young boy tried to reason, Heeseung shaking his head and looking back up with a slightly irritated expression.
“Riki, I said no.” Heeseung sighed, Riki looked away trying to calm himself down as his hands balled into fists at his sides in frustration. ”Come on, let’s go.”
“But Heeseung-“
“No buts Riki, come on,” Heeseung responded, grabbing his bag on the floor.
“All I’m asking for one hour, Hyung, just one hour and I’m be home, I promise.” Riki begged. Heeseung sighed, glancing at his phone then back at Riki, this boy wouldn’t take no for an answer, the older boy needed to stand his ground, although that wouldn't be the case tonight.
“As of right now, is it eight thirty, I want walking through that door by ten, or you lose all of your games, am I clear?” Heeseung said and Riki smiled, happy he got the answer he desperately wanted.
“Ten got it, thank you. ” He smiled, hugging the older boy, although Heeseung seemed hesitant, wanting to go back on his word and drug the youngest with him, Riki on the other hand was happy, he was ready to get handed with defeat but the universe seemed to take a liking to him in this moment, he let go of the older boy, turned around heading over to the speakers before Heeseung had the chance to open his mouth again.
Ten o’clock, or I’m sending reinforcements.” He called after Riki, the younger boy looking backing and nodding. Out of the corner of his eye, the young boy could see Jay shaking his head and Jake walking over to Heeseung, like older boy, the Australian boy wasn't sure that it was a good idea to let Riki keep practicing, the younger boy had no doubt that it was the topic of their whispers but Heeseung had already made up his mind so Jake would have to deal with it, he could tell everyone had their doubts but he would prove them wrong.
Jungwon approached the boy.
“Seriously, be back by ten. we have a busy schedule tomorrow, we're all getting up early, alright?”
“Yes Hyung,” Riki nodded. Jungwon looked didn't look satisfied with his answer but took it anyway, shaking and sighing softy as he turned to leave, following along with the rest. The moment the door shut and he could no longer hear the footsteps of his friends, the young boy smiled, after being surrounded by people for the past two weeks he was finally alone, he finally had some time to himself.
The walk to the studio was fine but it wasn’t enough. Now he had a full hour to himself, he switched the speakers back on and blasted the demo of their new song through the sound system of the studio, walking back to the center of the room and getting into place from the start of the part with Jay and Sunghoon, in the middle of his opening lines.
This was supposed to be simple, he was just going to go through it step by step, pinpoint every moment where he made a mistake, slow it down and get the moves down without any flaws, its simple, he could do this because he had been multiple times before, it didn't matter that there was a little ball in chest that ran through like a fatal disease, telling that he was going to fail, that no matter how hard he tried he just wasn't good enough because it was just some stupid voices in his ear and he could ignore them and get through this choreography without any problems, he was on his own now, just him, his mind and the music, and Nishimura Riki wasn't going to let the stupid voices get in the way of doing what he loved.
At least, it wasn’t supposed to.
Just like during practice he couldn't turn his mind off no matter how hard he tried, no matter how many times he ran through it he just couldn't get his parts right. Either he would get it right and then mess up during the whole walkthrough or it would fail all together.
Riki was seconds away from having a break down, the boy wanted nothing more than to sit down, curl into a ball and cry his heart out. He was frustrated and tired. Months ago, he was fine, he didn't struggle with any lines during recording or have any hard times with the choreography but now, he was a mess and he couldn't figure out why, he couldn't help but think what’s wrong with him? He was perfect and now he couldn't do anything right. He thought. Exhausted, he let himself fall to his knees, thoughts of self doubt running through his mind as he looked into that disgusting mirror, its as though his reflection was taunting him, staring back at nothing but shell of someone who used to be good, he wanted to give up, his wrist was cramping and his chest and legs were aching from just how hard he’d been pushing his body not only to knock these parts down but to get rid himself of the voices, the dark reflection of him, but the dark shadow had already made itself comfortable.
Riki let himself drop against the cold floor of the studio without so much a fight, he tried his best and although the other boy in the mirror would say otherwise, he couldn't bring himself to listen, eyes squeezing shut and teeth clenching as he let out a relived groan as his overheated body felt peace using the sleeve of his brown jacket to wipe his face as he tried to catch his breath. He felt like something inside him was deteriorating, like some system had malfunctions and was setting off this chain reaction of failures back to abc and he couldn't fix it no matter how hard he pushed, something that was once second nature without so as a misstep how now become tangled in a cobweb displayed in front, mocking him, making note of every failed attempt, he was trapped in a cobweb of his own failures, and he was struggling to get out, to break free so that he could get better. And so he laid there going through a cycle of breathing, and disappointment, he couldn't get up and face his reflection.
Riki didn't know how long he laid on the floor, maybe minutes, maybe hours, all his drowsy mind could tell you was that the floor was cool and it felt nice under his overheated body, he wanted to lay there forever, moving would only make his body arch even more and the floor was somewhat comfortable. When your a little kid and your trying your hardest to stay up but your mind is begging you to rest, and one second your on the couch watching a movie with your siblings and the next your waking up the next day in your bed not knowing how your got there, thats how Riki felt, he couldn't recall a lot that happened after he collapse, just that the floor was cool and he wanted to just stay there. Riki didn't remember the door to the studio opening, Jay and Jake coming to find him practically passed out on the floor, the two mumbling about how ‘Heeseung should've stuck to his guts, and dragged Riki back home with them.'
The two struggling to carry him out the building, and towards the van where one of their managers, Yuki was waiting for them. It was nearly midnight and they were all tired, having to leave the comforts of their home wasn't something they liked but dealt with it anyways, Riki however did remember their tired faces, he felt bad and tried to applause but nothing came out, he laid against the Jay’s shoulder the whole ride home, falling asleep to the feeling of Jake stroking his hair, although he knew they were disappointed in him, he felt comfort in knowing they still cared enough to make him feel safe.
One minute, Riki was comfortably laying on Jay and the next he was in the dorm, standing in front of the bathroom, towel and rag in hand, staring at the wood door after the two boys had forced him to eat telling him that he needs food and a nice shower before he goes to bed. Sadly he couldn't pull himself out if his drowsiness enough to open the door. He didn't understand why they cared so much, he had been messing up all week, so why were they still going easy on him? All day he wanted one of his Hyungs to scold him, say what they were truly feeling and yet, nothing.
It wasn't until Jay went up to help while Jake was cleaning up the kitchen, that Riki walked into the bathroom and started to wash himself up. It didn't take long for him to fully clean himself but for some reason he couldn't get out. The drain in the bathtub was stuck so usually the water would just rise, Riki wondered what would happen if he just let the water keep going, eventually the tub would overflow and he could just sink himself, it seemed like the easiest way to go. it would be just like sleeping, he wouldn't have to fight.
Suicidal thoughts wasn't a new thing for the youngest, he always planned it out but he could never go through with the dying part but maybe this time would be different Everyone was asleep, no one would even notice he was missing or hear the water flood the floors, it would be easy, so what was stopping him now, he’d been in the tub with the water running form the drain for about ten minutes now, it was slow but it was close to the brim, and when it reached the top, took the drain plug and put in, turned off the water and just sat down, just staring at his reflection, pulling his knees to his chest.
He wondered how everyone who loved him would feel, would his bandmates even care? He’d been a huge disappointment all week, despite their reassurances he knew he was weighing them down. Their staff would always look at him with love and concern but at the end of day, it's their job to care so would their feelings about his death even matter? Would they cry or just move on because Riki was just a client, a small part of their lives? His sisters, Konon and Sora, they haven't seen him in 3 years, they probably don't remember what he looks like. The photos they’ve seen on the internet? Those aren't real, how could they miss someone they don't even recognize.
Dying sounded so nice, and it was so easy, the water would cover his body and his mouth into his lungs, his body would desperately be fighting for oxygen that he wouldn't give, they wouldn't notice until the morning and then it would be to late and Riki would be at peace, no longer a shell of disappointment. Slowly the young boy pulled himself down, welcoming the void below with open arms.