Chapter Text
Beatrice was having a lovely day as usual. She was sitting outside the mansion, shaded from the sun under a large tree. Her contractor insisted that she spend more time outside. She complied because she is a good spirit, the best one of course.
She was reading one of her new books, one that her contractor wrote just for her. It was a book compiled of short stories that he thought of.
She didn’t know that her contractor was this good at writing, but then again, of course he was, he was her contractor after all.
She loved all the stories in the book. He gave it to her as a gift after they entered into their contract. She treasured this book dearly.
She heard footsteps coming from afar. She glanced at the direction of the sound.
It was her contractor. He was smiling, and he had a basket full of fruits and sweets. The sight of him brought a content smile to her face.
Her contractor.
The one she chose.
She hated her life and the four hundred years of solitude that she had to endure, until he showed up. He kept annoying her to the point that she forgot all about her boring life.
He pestered her until he made his way into her heart. She couldn’t kick him out, so she decided to cherish his presence in her heart instead.
Subaru: “Yo, Beako. You got a moment?”
Beatrice faked annoyance. “Betty is busy with reading, I suppose. But perhaps she can be persuaded by the correct sweets.”
He beamed at her. “Oh would you look at that! I just happened to have your favourites here! What a coincidence!”
Beatrice smiled as he laughed like a fool. He knew exactly what she liked. He paid such close attention to her. That is why he is her contractor.
He handed her the sweets, and sat down next to her.
He stared at the clear sky for a moment.
Comfortable silence. She liked it only because she was in close proximity to her contractor.
Subaru: “Say, Beako. Have I ever told you about the first time we met?”
Beatrice’s smile faded immediately. She knew what he meant.
He was speaking about that cursed ability of his.
Return by Death.
It was an ability that was so outrageous that it should have never existed, but it did. It existed and was the source of torment to her contractor.
He told her of the ability, he told her of the mechanics, but he never told her any specifics of what happened between them before.
She refrained from asking. She didn’t want to think about the possibility of her contractor dying. She was also scared. She was scared that she did something unforgivable that no one remembered except for her contractor.
But one thing made that fear die down. Her contractor loved her. He wouldn’t have loved her if she did something bad to him.
Beatrice swallowed. “N-no. Is there something that was bothering you about it?”
Subaru kept gazing at the sky. “No. Not really. I just felt like talking about the first meeting, you know.”
Beatrice took a deep breath and let him continue.
Subaru: “You know, somewhere along the line, I started to get this weird idea. It sounds funny when I say it out loud. I sometimes think that I am not real.”
Beatrice’s breath hitched. “W-what does that mean?”
Subaru maintained his smile. “When you have an ability like mine… You start wondering… Am I the real me? Or am I the one that is good enough to be here?”
Beatrice looked at him in concern.
Subaru: “And I reached the answer. I am not the real me. I am the me that made it.”
Beatrice: “B-betty thinks that her contractor is real. D-don’t spout things that scare Betty I suppose.”
Subaru chuckled. “Oh sorry. Didn’t mean it like that. But the answer remains the same.”
Beatrice felt a dreadful feeling creep up her spine.
Subaru: “You see, the real me is the one who is authentic. The one that gives a real first impression. Not one that is tailor made to impress. The real me is the one that you only meet once. You, Beako, met the real me at some point too.”
Beatrice blinked.
Subaru: “You met the me that didn’t know your favourite sweets. The me that didn’t know how to write good stories. The me that was worthless.”
Beatrice whipped her head in concern. “Betty’s Subaru is never worthless!”
Subaru smiled. “Oh, but he is. That Subaru was never liked. No one that knew the real me liked him. Not you, not Ram, not Rem. No one. The only one that is worth anything of note is the one that made it.”
Beatrice’s body was shaking. Her contractor was scaring her.
Subaru: “You know how the last meeting between the real me and you was like? The real me got cursed by mabeasts, but he didn’t know. He went to your library at night, to annoy you and to say goodnight, you know.”
Beatrice was staring at him in horror. She didn’t like where this conversation was going.
Subaru: “You knew he got cursed. You are a great spirit. Something like this wouldn’t go past you. You looked at his eyes. He didn’t know what was going on, but you knew. You could have cured the curse. You could have informed the real me, and told him that he was about to die.”
Beatrice was dreading what she was about to hear.
Subaru: “But you didn’t.”
Beatrice felt her heart break.
Subaru: “You didn’t save him. You didn’t even warn him of what was going on. You stood in silence as he spoke about his day like an idiot, as if this was not his last moments alive.”
Beatrice’s face was drenched in tears. “B-betty doesn’t remember any of this.”
Subaru: “I know you don’t. You don’t remember because the real me died that night.”
A few sobs escaped from her.
Subaru looked at her sadly “Oh, no Beako. I am not saying this to blame you or anything. I am not mad, I promise. I love you.”
Beatrice looked at him hesitantly.
Subaru: “The real me wasn’t worth getting a warning, let alone saving.”
His words made her freeze in shock.
Subaru spoke with intensity. “The real me is naïve, stupid and completely and utterly helpless. Saving him makes no logical sense. You don’t protect a soap bubble, when it can be ended by any mild gust of wind. That is who the real me is.”
Beatrice spoke through her tears. “I-I am s-sorry… Betty is sorry…”
Subaru spoke sternly: “Don’t.”
Her breath hitched.
Subaru: “The real me is worthless. He is not good enough to survive in this world. Do you know how long it took for me to die for the first time?”
Beatrice felt her tears blurring her vision. She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out.
Subaru raised his voice: “FIVE HOURS. The real me died in five hours. His story didn’t just end in chapter one… it never made it past the summary! That is how worthless the real me is. That is how helpless he is. That is how incompetent he is. The only reason that I exist it because of my ability. The only reason that I have any friends is because of my ability. The only reason that you love me is because of my ability.”
Beatrice: “N-no… Don’t say that… Betty loves you…”
Subaru smiled warmly. “I am not saying this as an accusation, Beako. Believe me. I am just saying what I see.”
Beatrice: “No, you are not… Stop saying that…”
Subaru raised an eyebrow in intrigue “Okay, then. What do you think would have happened if I didn’t have my ability?”
Beatrice remained silent.
Subaru: “You wouldn’t even know of my existence. I would have been just another bloody corpse laying in an abandoned loot house.”
Beatrice broke into loud sobs.
Subaru: “We would have never met, and I somehow, miraculously survived long enough for us to meet, I would have died, poisoned like a dog, not knowing why I died in the first place.”
Beatrice pulled her knees to her chest and started sobbing into them.
Subaru: “The only thing that separates me from the real me is this cursed ability. The very antithesis to what life is. The thing that is a violation of every law in nature. I exist thanks to something that is utterly disgusting. I am tailor made for people to like me. Rem loves me because I made it so. Ram tolerates me because I made it so.”
He turned towards Beatrice. “And you, Beako. You are contracted to me because I made it so, not because you love me.”
Beatrice raised her head. She spoke through her tears. “No... Don’t say that… Your Betty loves you… There isn’t anyone that she loves more than you… Back then… Betty was scared… She was scared of getting attached… She was scared of being left behind... She was scared that-”
Subaru wrapped his arms around her. “It is alright, Beako, I understand.”
Beatrice relaxed into his arms. She gripped his shirt as hard as she could. She cried into his chest like she never cried before.
Subaru placed his hand on her head. “It is fine, Beako. It really is. You don’t need to justify anything.”
Beatrice continued to sob into his chest.
Subaru: ‘Of course you feel bad. Of course you want to apologise. You love the current me. If you were with the real me, you wouldn’t have given him a second thought. But it is fine. I completely understand it. I am sorry that I made you sad. I am really sorry. I will make it up to you. I will give you more sweets next time. You don’t need to remember this conversation ever again. I will make sure of it.’