Chapter Text
The group doubled back to the fork in the road where they'd been arguing yesterday and headed towards the bridge, hoping it would be crossable now that the storm was over. As they passed a certain log, Remus playfully elbowed his brother and winked, and Roman shoved him back, but otherwise nobody really said anything.
Even though the sun was shining brightly and warmly through the trees, there was still water everywhere. It made the dirt road almost like walking through a sewer. While a certain mustachioed man in green certainly seemed to enjoy splashing around in the muck, Patton was shivering with cold so much his lips were almost as blue as his robes. It was his robes, in fact, that were the problem for him, priestly garments being not designed for travelling, through hazardous weather conditions. So he decided to take a crack at bringing this up and lightening the mood in the most Patton way possible: with a dad joke, of course!
"Hey, are you guys sure none of our friends are here?" he shivered. "'Cause it sure feels pretty cool anyways!"
Snickers broke out among most of the group, and the tension eased a little in the air. Roman was about to ask Patton if he needed a cloak or something when Logan whipped his head around and glared at them. Any chance of conversation died down after that.
Of course, there was still one last distraction before they finally reached the bridge. As they trundled down the path, everyone froze when suddenly one of the bushes on the side of the road started rustling. Everyone immediately panicked, with Janus picking up a stick and holding it in a defensive position, the twins summoning their weapons, Virgil's eyes starting to glow with electricity, Logan's mind spinning with the possibilities of whatever might be about to attack them. The five of them crept closer to the bush, weapons poised when suddenly:
"Guys, stop!" Patton jumped in front of everyone, and then, much to their dismay, stuck his hands in the bush. The other five winced, expecting him to start screaming in agony, when much to their surprise, Patton pulled a small raggedy kitten out. "Aww, look at the lil' guy."
"You found dinner!" squealed Remus joyfully.
"NO!!!!" yelled everyone else in unison.
"He looks so hungry...." Patton cradled the kitten in his arms and tickled it gently. "Pretty pretty please can we keep him?" He looked up pleadingly at Logan.
"Absolutely not," said Logan. "Patton, we don't even have enough food to adequately provide for ourselves, how would we- no, stop that!!"
Patton had fished out a few crumbs from his pocket and had fed them to the kitty, which lapped them up eagerly and purred with delight.
"Aww, are you sure we can't keep him?" asked Roman as he made heart eyes at the kitten. "He would make an adorable- I mean fearsome dreaded companion."
"I dunno, what if he has fleas?" wondered Virgil as he fawned over the kitten. "Plus it's not like this whole questing thing is the safest for a small kitty. He could get smushed by a monster."
"Let go of the feline, Patton," Logan said before continuing on the road. "Besides, we're allergic to cats."
"Better luck next time," Janus told the priest as he passed him.
One by one, everyone passed Patton on the road. He waited until everyone was a reasonable distance away and then gave the cat another loving smile before running to catch up with the others.
Finally, they arrived at the bridge. The bridge was a suspension bridge made of thick ropes and wooden planks that stretched across a canyon that was at least sixty feet wide. The canyon wasn't egregiously deep, but still deep enough that a fall from the bridge would be enough to seriously injure someone if not outright kill them. Not to mention the frothing white river churning with foam from clashing with sharp boulders jutting from the water.
The bridge was wide enough for a small wagon, but the group started crossing it in single file, lead by none other than (gasp) Logan. Meanwhile, in the back were Virgil, nervously clutching the ropes like handrails and constantly glancing down, and Patton, holding onto his stomach and a little hunched over like he had a stomachache. Everything was going fine and they were almost halfway across the bridge when suddenly;
"Halt!" yelled a deep and growly voice that came from the river. As everyone looked around for the source of the voice, a massive river troll pulled himself out of the water and onto the bridge, right in front of Logan. "I am Alfred Hitchcoppolucas, and if you wish to cross this river, you must answer my riddle!"
The professor frowned and took out his map, reexamining it a surprisingly calm manner for someone two feet away from a troll's slimy belly. "I wad unaware this bridge has been claimed by a troll."
"Well actually, I just moved in here yesterday!" announced Alfred Hitchcoppolucas proudly. "You all are my first visitors here!"
"Wow, too bad none of us thought to maybe try and cross the bridge yesterday," muttered Janus as he nudged Logan. "Oh wait-"
Alfred's nostrils widened as he sniffed the air and frowned. "You reek of lies, snake man. Even more than a demon salesman on Midsummer Night. What are you anyways, some sorta shape shifter?"
"What I am is none of your business," said the doctor calmly, staring the troll dead in the eye. "It is a mystery known to few but my companions and I, a riddle, some might say. Your kind likes riddles, don't they? Well, I propose a challenge; if you cannot solve the mystery of us, you let us pass your bridge."
Alfred seemed to consider this, titling his head to the side as he looked at the strange party of travellers. Then, without a word, he leaned over and reached one arm into the river to pull out a large red sack bigger than a tree. The troll silently picked up Janus and tossed him into the sack like he was at the market shopping for apples. The doctor let out a surprised squeal, but any further sound he made was muffled by the sack.
"I don't make suspicious deals with random snake-faced strangers," growled Alfred. "Especially not ones that smell as powerful as him. Do I look that stupid to you? Now you answer my riddle, or else."
Meanwhile, Remus had been barely restraining himself from doing anything stupid (mostly because Roman had wisely been restraining him) but now he reached his breaking point. Yanking himself free from his brother's grip, the duke summoned his weapon and leapt at the troll, screaming "I'm gonna lick your nostrils!!"
Frowning, Alfred simply snatched Remus out of the air and dumped him in the bag with Janus. "You're rather unusual adventurers, aren't you? Not particularly competent ones, but still unusual. So what'll it be: you solve my riddle, or I eat your friends for lunch."
"Could we maybe just give him Remus?" muttered Virgil.
"We accept your challenge, non-handsome bridge urchin," declared Roman proudly.
"Alright. But just to even the odds...." Alfred reached out once more, and Roman ducked, but instead of the prince being dumped into the sack, Virgil was lifted into the air via troll fist and unceremoniously deposited in the bag mid-cuss. "There. Now answer my riddle or I eat them!! And be warned, I'm hungry and they're oozing with power, so it won't be easy."
"Very well. Tell us your riddle, then," said Logan, holding Roman back from attacking Alfred with his sword.
"Here goes: I can break, I can be clogged, I can be attacked, I can be given, I can be kept, I can be crushed yet I can be whole at the same time. What am I? You get one guess each."
"A paradox," guessed Logan after giving it some thought. "Most of what you described can apply to multiple objects, but it is an absolute impossibility for anything to remain whole if it has been 'crushed' already."
"Wrong! Next guess."
"True love!" offered Roman immediately. "It can survive anything!!"
"Also wrong! Good guess though, even if it's on the mushy side. 'It can survive anything,' what are you, my ex-wife?"
"Oh, did you move here because you got divorced?" asked Patton.
"No! Maybe. Yes," Alfred looked sad and rubbed the back of his neck. "Honestly, it's been a rough couple of weeks, and I really just- hold on a second, you still have to answer the riddle!" he roared, then hunched over so he was eye-to-eye with the trio. "You give me you your answer now, or else I eat you all!"
"It's a heart." Patton looked up and met the troll's gaze, smiling but not in his usual endlessly optimistic way. Instead, this smile was much softer and full of pain. "Hearts go through a lot, but in the end, they keep on pumping, even if they've been shattered into a million pieces." He gave a quick glance at Logan. "I bet you're hurting a lot right now, aren't you?"
"I- I-" Alfred was at a loss for words.
"Here, buddy. You need him more than I do." Patton pulled the kitty he'd found earlier out of his robe and held it out to the troll. "His name is Chocolate, and he's a good cuddler."
"You kept it?" Logan looked at his friend incredulously. "Even after I told you not to?"
"Hush you, this is an emotional moment," Roman shushed.
"Don't try to eat him, though. He's such a scrappy guy, he'd make your throat go 'meow'," Patton giggled at his pun, then tearfully handed off the kitten. Bye bye, Chocolate. You take care of yourself, ya hear? Don't go hacking up hairballs all over the river."
"This," Alfred tenderly held Chocolate. "This is, wow. You're a very nice person, you know that?"
"....yes, yes he is," said Logan looking at Patton like he'd never seen him before. "However, if you could release our friends...."
"Oh, right," the troll turned his sack upside down, shaking out the other three like lint. "Here you go."
Virgil gasped for breath and immediately scrambled to his feet. "Don't ever make me share a bag with Remus ever again," he said angrily.
"Are you sure that's all we shared?" asked Remus, sprawled over the planks of the bridge like a rag doll. He turned over and winked suggestively.
"See what I mean?" yelled the emo. "And don't even get me started on his escape plans."
"Pulling out our toenails and using them to cut through the sack was a totally good plan which would've worked if you weren't such a lily-livered meacock!"
"You," Janus snarled as he got to his feet. "You threw us in that stinking bag, you dirty troll!! Do you have any idea what kind of damage you'd have done if you got your way? The blood you'd have on your hands? The systems that would crumble like ashes if you stupid little bridge thingy worked? Well, listen he-"
"Don't be so mean, Janus!" Patton glared at him. "I mean, look around. We're all fine, so don't ruin it for us."
"Uh, we are not 'all fine'. HeX, even Princey doesn't look fine," complained Virgil. "What's the matter, did your whole 'swing a sword' thing not work out Mr. Knight-In-Shining-Armor?"
"Hey! I'll have you know that I'm the finest in the lands!" said Roman. He jabbed his thumb at his chest, then pointes at the emo. "And don't you forget it!"
"Well, you all best be on your way now," said Alfred as he started lowering himself into the river, still cradling Chocolate carefully and wrapping him in his sack like a blanket. "Wherever you're going, it's probably a loooooooong way off."
"Bye bye, ya smelly troll!!" Remus waved. "Have fun getting wet with your cat!"
"I could still eat you all right now, you know," added Alfred.
"GoodbyeandthankyousomuchforlettinguspassMrHitchcoppolucassirIhopeyouhavealovelydayandlife,' squeaked Patton before running off the bridge and further down the road. The others followed on his heels.
The only one who lingered this time was Logan, who watched as the troll, cat, and sack sank under the river's churning surface for a few seconds.
"How is the cat supposed to breathe underwater?" he muttered.