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𝟙: ℂ𝕆𝕆𝕃𝔼ℝ 𝕋ℍ𝔸ℕ 𝔸 𝕊ℕ𝕆𝕎𝕄𝔸ℕ’𝕊 ℍ𝔼𝔸ℝ𝕋 𝕆ℕ ℂℍℝ𝕀𝕊𝕋𝕄𝔸𝕊 𝔼𝕍𝔼
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“A mistletoe match?”
“Not just a mistletoe match, the Mistletoe Match!” Carlos said, excitedly shaking his lackadaisical best friend by the shoulders. “A super crazy, intense, and dare I say it oh-yes-I-do, dangerous head-to-head battle to see who can get the most mistletoe kissies in one afternoon!”
“Carlos, please...” Kendall sighed. “Look, it’s a cold December morning, and all I really wanna do is stay in my fuzzy jammies, drink hot cocoa with lots of marshmallows, and have a non-crazy, peaceful, and dare I say it oh-yes-I-do, safe Christmas movie marathon all day, if that’s fine with you. And hey, after It’s A Wonderful Life on FOX ends, Kidzie Channel’s airing A Charlie Brown Christmas, you wanna watch with?” he generously patted the seat next to him while holding out a bowl of swirly peppermints towards Carlos, who lit up at the humble offer.
“Oooh!” He grabbed a handful of the candy and eagerly shoved the whole gob in his mouth, clear plastic wrappers and all. “I’m gonna need that sugar rush for later, thankies!”
“So is that a yes?”
“Yes! Wait. Nooo...a-ha! Is this a trick question???” Carlos squinted suspiciously at Kendall.
“No tricks, just Christmas treats.” He smiled. “Come hang out with me, Los.”
“Kenny,” the lounging boy was showered with minty-sweet debris as Carlos undauntedly continued with his yuletide petition, “as much as I’d love to snuggle it out with you and pig out on all the delicious junk food while binge-watching our favourite festive cartoons and yucky rom-com Lifetime movies, there are more important things hanging in the balance here.”
“Such as?”
“Such as your honour! The impending glory! The girls out there who might be feeling a bit sad and lonely at such a wonderful time of the year!” Carlos pounded a valiant fist on his chest, clearly delighted to be doing all the motivational speeching for once. “What better way to spread the holiday cheer and celebrate Christmas Eve than with the noble gladiator’s long-honoured tradition of a brutal Mistletoe Match for the ages?”
“Oh, I dunno,” Kendall countered, shrugging airily. “feeling super cosy and getting cool toys?”
“Boo grampa Schmendall, that’s so booooring!” Carlos shot him a courtly Roman Emperor’s thumbs-down—and blew a not-so-courtly raspberry along with it. “Get off your nightgowned butt for once and get those weak knees up and moving before New Year rusts them over and then you can’t use BTR’s awesome stage trampoline anymore—and Gustavo isn’t gonna like that!”
“Gee, thanks Charlie Bucket, need me to go with you to Wonka’s Chocolate Factory too?” Kendall grumbled, resentfully sinking deeper into his quaint kingdom of heaped comforters instead of following his adamant friend’s commands. “And speaking of, shouldn’t you be stringing along the two other old folks so they could also be enemy gladiators for your noble Mistletoe Match battle thingy?”
“Oh, you just know I would’ve invited the other guys to get aboard the Mistle-train, destination awesome!—but Logie’s already spoiled silly with mistletoe kissy-slaps from Camille so he’s obviously out, and apparently James has streptobliblowhatever and it’s suuuper contagious, so we can’t have him giving out free kisses and infecting everyone around the Palm Woods and like, start the zombie Christmas-pocalypse or something.” Carlos explained.
“Huh...” Kendall thoughtfully trailed off. “I’m pretty sure I saw Jett with a face mask on when I passed him by the pool yesterday—I really hope the strep throat isn’t turning into a serious issue here or else Loges is gonna have a major fit about it! But then again, James and Jett are always fighting each other for the weights and mirrors at the gym, so maybe I’m just looking too much into it. I hope so, at least.”
“And it wouldn’t be fair to have J-man join in the grand arena anyway, since he did that whole ‘getting an elevatorful of girls to kiss him under the mistletoe’ move before, which is just super foul.” Carlos sulked. “...and I really don’t wanna lose to him for the millionth time, either.”
But his sour attitude lightened up just as quickly, the pairs of brass bells on his festive bedroom slippers ringing a mirthful twinkle alongside the rattly wobbling of the coffee table as he jumped atop it in brazen defiance of both Mama Knight’s ultimate household rules and her couch potato son.
“Dude, elf boots off the table, please—and also, you’re blocking the TV!”
“And so it appears that you, Kendall Donald Knight,” Carlos avowed, ignoring his adversary’s complaints and pointing a damning candy cane at him, “are gonna be my only mistlefoe this year!”
“Please don’t call me that.”
“C’mon, don’t be such a Scrooge!”
With a couple wild flicks of his springy Santa hat, Carlos lunged off the rickety furniture to tackle Kendall, surprising him as he stuffed the blond’s woolly beanie over his eyes and tried to wrestle him out of his cocooned blankets. But before the indignant boy could retaliate at the playful attack, a soft knock on the door interrupted their skirmishing, giving Carlos the chance to escape from Kendall’s awaiting wrath.
“Come right in!” he sing-songed, skipping over to the doorway to let their visitors in.
Carlos was greeted by the sight of their coupled girl friends evidently just back from a hectic shopping trip, carrying armfuls of shiny red and green shopping bags that made their steps slightly lope off, and their bundled layers of stylishly warm clothing worse for wear and as rumpled as the colourful tissue paper peeking out of the gift bags. But this didn’t appear to be dampening Jo and Lucy’s holiday bliss, and Kendall stumbled out of his tangled sheets with all the grace of a newborn giraffe lacking the knowledge of limb coordination to welcome them to the crib.
“‘Sup Jo, Lucy?” Carlos gave each girl a gentle hug, nearly causing them to drop some of their lugged packages. “Feliz Navidad!”
“Yeah, I hope you gals are having a great one so far!” Kendall concurred with a fond smile.
“Thanks guys, and a very Merry Christmas to you too!” Jo brightly returned, while Lucy, who had some ribboned boxes stuck between her clenched teeth, extended a wider grin and cheeky finger guns as pleasantries instead. She unceremoniously spat it out on the nearby dining table while Jo set the rest of the shopping bags down with a relieved exhale, pausing only to knead her tired arms and cradle Lucy’s cold-flushed cheeks between her palms, which startled the punk girl.
“Hey, what’s the big idea, missy?” her girlfriend fussed.
“Well, I figured it might be sore from all the present-hauling and needed a bit of gentle massaging. Do you want me to stop?”
“Not particularly, but maybe you should save the weirdo touchy-feely face-squishies for when the show ends and the curtain falls in front of the gawking audience, y’know?”
“Aww, don’t be embarrassed honey, you know these boys love being super affectionate like nobody’s business, so they won’t mind it,” Jo chuckled, tousling Carlos’s hair into messy tufted peaks and giving Kendall a friendly peck on the cheek to make her point. “Even if they are a bit weird.”
The distracted Kendall didn’t seem to hear this, as it was his turn to blow a gloating raspberry at Carlos now.
“Ha, how’s that for getting an early lead?” he taunted. “That’s what you get for disrespecting the elderly, kiddo—score, grampa Knight!”
“But it wasn’t under a mistletoe you dummy,” Carlos insisted. “And you haven’t even officially accepted the challenge yet so it totally doesn’t count for pennies—Mistletoe Match rules!”
“You literally just made that rule up right now!”
“That’s literally what rules are for!”
“Is not!”
“Is too!”
“Alright, make that a lot weird,” Jo corrected.
“Oho-kay, settle down, you two. What’s going on here?” Lucy raised a quizzical eyebrow at the squabbling boys. “And don’t you dare just say ‘Mistletoe Match’ like a wisecracking chuckletruck or I’m going John McClane on your sorry butts.”
“No need for that at all, Luce.” Carlos burst out in nervous titters, instinctively clasping at Kendall’s arm. “But basically, we’re gonna have a super crazy, intense, and yes-I-will-definitely-dare-say-it, dangerous match to see who can get more mistletoe kissies in one afternoon!”
“Ah.” Jo nodded casually, as if this were totally normal. “Of course you are.”
“I still don’t know if I actually am, though,” Kendall clarified. “I mean that scoring thing was just a joke, but maybe not the best one to make ‘cause Carlos has the processing downtime of a dinosaur’s computer.”
“Ah-ah-ah, but you haven’t even heard the best part yet!” Carlos told him.
“Oh, our bad,” Lucy earnestly said. “Please don’t tell us.”
This jab didn’t seem to faze their manic friend one bit as he continued on. “Because you see, whoever emerges the victor from our grand annual Mistletoe Match not only gets the epic title of the ‘Mistlefoe Warrior Super Champion of the World’, but also wins the loser’s cool toy and the coolest present under the Christmas tree tomorrow!”
“Hey, that is so not fair—you can’t just call stuff like that!”
“Can too—Mistletoe Match rules!”
“Bah-humbug, I hate these stupid made-up rules!” Kendall growled, rubbing the bridge of his nose in annoyed surrender. “But if it gets you to leave me alone, then fine! I’ll bite. But if I win, I also get to drink my cocoa and watch our cheesy movies in peace for the rest of the holidays without any more crazy intense dangerousness or gladiator fights or any other nutty Christmas surprises!”
“Done!” Carlos gave him a chummy pat on the back to seal the deal. “That’s the spirit, Ken-ken! ‘Cause for a second there, I really thought I was gonna have to bust out my ghost costumes and haunt you three times tonight for being such an ol’ crankypants, but god bless us all for that change of heart!”
“And, in the spirit of fairness, I suppose I’m gonna have to even out the odds here,” Lucy said as she gave Carlos a quick kiss on his forehead, making the boy squeak out in flustered awe. “Score, gladiator Garcia. That’s my good deed for Christmas off the checklist.”
“And this is also a perfect gift-giving coincidence because I managed to buy this today!” Jo exclaimed. She took a moment to rummage a green bag and pulled out a set of fake mistletoe boughs from it, before taking a golden gift bow from her parka coat’s pocket to slap on top of the packaging just to make it look extra resplendent. “I really don’t know what else to do with it, so consider it another extra present for the both of you guys, since I already gave you those custom-made hockey goal snow globes. Unless you also want...” she checked the other contents of the bag with a cursory glance, “a pair of mismatched pump heels in mid-beige suede and platform hot-pink leopard print?”
“Nah, awesome snow globes and plastic mistletoe sounds good, thanks.” Kendall graciously took the strange prize off her hands. “I’m honestly surprised you guys even managed to get these better pickings—‘cause one thing’s for sure, after that whole TK Simmons disaster where we almost lost Logan to a non-refund policy, we are so never doing last-minute Christmas shopping ever again!”
He and Carlos shuddered in unison upon reminiscing the terribly violent memory.
“Yeah, it was either knockoff decorations or the hideous Frankensteined sweater with a giant rip smack-dab across Santa Claus’s face which is hardly holly-jolly...unless you’re attending a JingleBones Holiday Bonanza Concert moshpit, which is super awesome, FYI,” Lucy answered. “And I would’ve gotten something way cooler too, but that one bi—I mean, grinch wouldn’t let go of the last box of light-up rollerskates even after I elbow-dropped her to the floor and whacked her upside with a sauté pan. The paisley tracksuit-wearing lady’s like a thousand years old and has got a grip like a monkey hanging on a dangling cliff branch for dear life!”
“Yeah, so we apologise for some of the weirder presents this year,” Jo said modestly.
“No,” Kendall assured her. “These are perfectly fine, really!”
“Well, actually...maybe just one thing,” Carlos reluctantly piped up. “Since you ladies are here anyway, we kinda really super need a couple of referees for the match to make sure that the rules are upheld and no one cheats?” he sweetly persuaded. “So if you may consider yourselves, hmmm...oh, Santa’s lovely helpers, that would be great!”
“Elves. You want us to be your elves.” Jo deadpanned.
“Consider your offer denied.” Lucy clicked her tongue sternly at the boys. “And you’re seriously using girls for a points system again? Haven’t you learned your lesson from the whole dibsing girls trouble already, or do I have to set your half-naked butts on an ultramarathon tour around Soda Springs in the middle of a horrible winter hailstorm?”
“Hey, leave me out of it,” Kendall defended. “It’s Carlos’s idea, not mine.”
“And Mistletoe Match is a historical time-honoured tradition!” Carlos reasoned out.
“Yeah, and so is the historical time-honoured tradition of putting my classical fist in smarmy people’s jerkfaces, but you don’t see me running around and doing it!” Lucy smirked. “...as much.”
She noticed the sudden absence of Carlos and whipped her head around, mildly baffled. But this mystery was just as easily solved when she finally spotted a springy santa hat wildly bouncing around Jo and Kendall’s shoulders, as the frightened wearer cowered behind the pair (and they seemed to be doing a very good job of being unintentional blondie human shields).
“Hey now, don’t worry Carlitos, I don’t mean you.” Lucy snorted lightheartedly. “Just Kendall, sometimes.”
“What?!” Kendall joined his friend in hiding behind Jo.
“I’m kidding, ya total jerkface. Or am I...?”
When the punk girl extended a hand to the boys, they both jolted in shock and reverberated in coalescing refrains of a James-Diamond-worthy mini-scream, with Carlos even leaping up on Kendall and locking into a tight embrace with him, making Lucy and Jo burst out in laughter at the ridiculous sight.
“Re-lax, boys, jeez. No one’s getting hurt today—unless your little Mistletoe Match goes completely wrong, which I guarantee it most definitely will, so save the screaming for later. But I was just gonna give you your presents,” Lucy said, and that’s when the sheepish boys spotted the pair of kraft paper-wrapped Yankee Candle products she was affably holding out to them. “Lovely scented candles for y’all! Or not so lovely, since I’m personally allergic to the stuff. Like, actually medically allergic, I’m not trying to sound like a fake baddie here or anything.”
“That’s true,” Jo corroborated. “I once tried to use that Dried Lavender and Oak candle Camille gifted me last year to freshen up my apartment after dinner and instantly heard a tornado of adorable bunny sneezes devastating the bedroom—and that was before I even lit the wick!”
Lucy tepidly scowled at her. “Girl, don’t give away state secrets like that!”
“Oh, Logie does the same thing with gerbils and some flowers and thingies though!” Carlos said. “But his sneezes aren’t really adorable. Or bunnies.”
“Yeah, you would not want him anywhere near you when the pollen count is high.” Kendall made a disgusted face. “It’s like watching a leaky red balloon getting stuffed with rolls of tissue paper and nasal steroid spray. All that constant soppiness and clogged blowouts blasting him off to the moon...we love our poor genius brother and all, but it’s very gross.”
“Well hopefully you don’t turn into accidental astronauts with these gifts, or we might seriously have to call NASA up for a scientific breakthrough patent,” Lucy joked. “Anyway, for Carlos, here’s Cottage Breeze,” she handed out the glass jar to its respective recipient, wiping away the label on the other bottle to inspect it, “and for Kendall, we’ve got...Vanilla Corndogs?”
“Swap?” Kendall proposed to Carlos and the latter wordlessly agreed, not missing a beat they tossed each other their received candles and caught it in perfect synchronicity.
“Thanks Lucy, I know Jay-jay’s gonna love this for freshening up our room!” Carlos gratefully said. “Now, about that Mistletoe Match refereeing...”
“No.” The girls swiftly rejected.
“Pretty pretty pretty please? With funfetti on top?”
“Well...he did say pretty thrice,” Jo softened at their friend’s pleas. “And I do like funfetti.”
“Seriously?” Lucy was appalled at Jo’s sudden turnaround. “But what about the terrorising girls part? You like that too?”
“If it makes it any better, the Mistletoe Match technically counts any and all kisses from anyone under the mistletoe, not just girls!” Carlos said.
Kendall grimaced. “I don’t really know if it does.”
“Just another new Mistletoe Match rule, I take it?” Jo didn’t seem all too surprised.
“Yeah, and it’s all just for festive funsies, I swear!” Carlos assured them. “We’re not gonna force anyone into giving kisses or anything bad like that, you have my honourable promise. And a Garcia never breaks a promise—except maybe for that one time with Mrs. Majacowski, but other than that, tienes mi promesa! I’ll even pinky promise you for it and everything!”
“Woah, no need for that, dude.” Lucy said. “You’re a nice kid and I trust you enough, Carlos, I really do, but as much as we would luuurve to spend our time being your glorified bean counters on Christmas Eve, I gotta pull a cheap trick here and beg out ‘cause Jo and I are kinda busy and still have some extra shopping to do.” she gently nudged her girlfriend. “Don’t we, sweetie?”
“Maybe, but I’m a bit spent from all the morning shopping already, so I wouldn’t mind a little break,” Jo replied, putting a weary hand over her forehead.
“Oh yeah, by the way, you guys aren’t heading home for the holidays?” Kendall inquired.
“Nah, can’t,” Lucy mumbled tetchily. “Galactic Records has my knitted-gloves tied behind my back like freaking string lights and I’m up to my neck in endless tour discussions and other boring contract fulfillments.”
“And I’m staying in LA this year since mom’s in England to visit some relatives on her side, and my dad has that whole secret Street Blizzard Crackdown operation thing he’s busy with in Virginia. But I’m not actually allowed to say that, so shh!!!” Jo smiled wryly. “But mostly I’m here so that Miss Stone’s heart doesn’t turn into well, stone, and she ends up going on a sleighing rampage and painting the town red with Whoville blood tonight.”
“Okay, ice princess, ease out,” the musician shot back. “And just because I wouldn’t agree to this whole insane mistletoe scam doesn’t mean that I can’t have fun!”
“Point taken, and I’m sorry...” Jo cautioned, “but you gotta admit, a Mistletoe Match sounds way more fun than spending the rest of the afternoon fighting our way through an overcrowded mall and having to brain soccer moms with a giant candy cane for the last piece of 70% off canned ham!” she stopped to consider. “Well, the fighting and braining part might actually be a lot of fun for you—but still, I don’t wanna get caught up in any more supersale madness and end up under someone’s Christmas tree!”
“And there’s really no stopping Carlitos once he gets a crazy idea rooted deep in his noggin.” Kendall shrugged. “When it comes to stubbornness, there’s no use butting heads with the metal-plated bull, so may as well just get this whole thing over with so we can all finally restore peace and harmony to the world. Or at least have a silent night.”
“Oh, try me,” Lucy simply challenged as she crossed her arms and gave everyone a dry stare, still unconvinced by their salesman spiels.
Out of advanced tactics to sway their obstinate friend, Kendall and Jo resorted to side-eyeing Carlos with a knowing look, and he fervently nodded in recognition and blinked a few times to warm himself up for the final stratagem.
“And come on, Lucy-goosey,” Jo coaxed. “Are you really gonna say no to this face?”
“And on Christmas Eve out of all times, too?” Kendall indicatively tilted his head towards Carlos, who clasped his hands pleadingly and flashed Lucy his most adorable set of quivery pout and giant doe-eyed dewy gaze. The punk girl winced from her adamant pose and tried to look away, but the smaller boy only doubled down on the pitiful puppy expression and her hardest attempts to dodge it were all but futile.
“I cannot believe I’m getting strung into another big time scheme against my better principles...” Lucy huffed out harshly. She threw a bunch of shredded tinsel at Carlos’s face at last, making him break his concentration with a loud sneeze. “Alright, I’ll go along with your stupid game—just stop it with the weird eyes already!”
“Yaaaay!” Carlos whooped. Kendall and Jo beamed at this, high-fiving each other with the patient triumph of parents finally appeasing their antsy child. “Thanks a million Luce, you won’t regret it!”
“Who says I’m not already?”
“Anyway, Ken...” Carlos’s initial zeal abruptly contorted into an offended uncertainty as he realised something else. “Heeeey, wait the boink up—what was that you just said about me and dinosaurs?”
“And there’s the Windows startup sound,” Kendall smugly said. “Just text me later when you get that joke too, okay?”
“Okay...how’s this for message received!” Carlos slapped Kendall at the back of his head, knocking his beanie clean off and sending it—and nearly Kendall himself—flying over the kitchen table.
“Hey—!” the riled blond held up two threatening fists (according to the best friend Fists Of Fury Code, of course) and began speedily edging towards Carlos, who shrieked and ducked behind Jo once more.
“Guys, we better get a move on if we wanna make it in time for Christmas dinner,” she brusquely reminded the two boys, quelling any other looming fights threatening to break out between them. “So here’s the plan. I’ll go with Kendall, and Lucy, you’ll go with Carlos, and we could just update each other on our group chat. That sound good?” When everyone assented to this, she carried on. “And as not to cause an entire pandemonium at the um, Palm Woods Colosseum and risk Kaiser Bitters kicking us out and feeding us to the lions for the holidays, it’s gonna be first to ten points wins, and I call Mistletoe Match rule on that!”
“Decreed—and the Mistletoe Match is officially on!!!” Carlos announced, hollering a cheer. He put on his helmet and loudly rapped it twice, the unmistakable signal for everyone to gear up and get ready for action. “And it starts in three...two...”
“Woah woah woah, everyone hold your dashers and prancers and vixens,” Lucy flailed her hands and interrupted the suspenseful countdown, “it’s like forty degrees outside and you guys are seriously just gonna run around Hollywood wearing your pyjamas—?”
“...One!”
“MOVE OUT!” Kendall heralded with a shout, and the frenzied trio gave an electrified headstart and hastily scrambled out of Apartment 2J, leaving only a pile of half-damaged retail goods, shredded gift wrapper, and a bemused rocker girl in their chaotic wake.
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