Chapter Text
"Anakin?" Ahsoka whispered in the dark room. It wasn't really appropriate to be calling this late. She’d fought with the temple guards downstairs, they hadn’t wanted to let her in. She wasn’t sure how, but she’d somehow convinced them to let her see Anakin. Which considering the circumstances around her departure amazed her, since everyone but him had truly believed she’d been responsible for the temple bombing. And even though she’d been proven innocent, she doubted they’d ever trust her again. Just like she was sure she’d never be able to trust them again either. Not like she had before anyways. She wasn't a Jedi anymore. She didn't belong here. But she missed him. And she was scared.
She'd been having nightmares for awhile now. Horrible things. Far worse than anything she'd witnessed on the front lines of the war. But worse than the pain and gore and fear, was that they always ended the same way; losing him. They'd not talked since she left. She should have called first, but she didn't have the guts. She was afraid he wouldn't answer. So, she'd opted to come instead, in the middle of the night. If he were here, she doubted he'd be sleeping.
But his room was empty. She'd gotten no response when she'd called his name. But she didn't feel him here either. She paused at a table covered in all sorts of spaceship models, trinkets and half worked on projects. Anakin loved to tinker. He loved working with his hands. He could get lost in machines and geek out over the way they worked. She'd never found them nearly as fascinating, but she loved listening to him talk about them. Anything that made him happy, made her happy.
She picked up a model and turned it over in her hands. The craftsmanship was impeccable, his attention to detail spot on. She brought it to her chest and sighed. He couldn't be hers. She knew that. But it didn't stop her from wanting him. She secretly had hoped that now that she was older, he'd see her in a different light. That was if he could forgive her for leaving. Could he possibly have missed her too?
She set the spaceship model back down carefully. Running her hand along the edge of the table. As she moved towards his bed, something caught her eye and she leaned over to get a closer look. There on the bedside table was a small stand that held both her lightsabers and her padawan beads. She stared at it in disbelief. She'd thought for sure her lightsabers would be taken by the council and either destroyed or repurposed. How had he ended up with them? And her beads? He'd kept them all this time?
She picked up her lightsabers, feeling them in her hands. Oh, how she'd missed them. They were just a thing; a possession, but in a way, they’d been her friend. Keeping her safe, protecting her. She still had the force, but she'd often felt so empty without them hanging from her belt. They weren't hers to keep anymore, however. She put them back on the stand and turned away.
The truth was, she didn't miss the order like she thought she would. There were small things she missed; the serene temple garden bathed in afternoon sun, the smell of blossoms that whirled around you in the wind, the sense of peace and history wandering through the hallways, the excited chatter of younglings as they discussed the days lessons... but what she missed the most, wasn't the place, or the council, or the structure, or the order... it was him. Her master, her best friend. The only person she'd been completely herself with. She'd trusted him, admired him, looked up to him and yes, loved him. Even though it was against the rules.
Those rules didn't apply to her anymore, but they still did to him. And she couldn't ask him to give it up for her. She held out hope though, that when the war was over... maybe he'd change his mind about being a Jedi, since she already knew he didn’t want to be one forever. Maybe they could team up again in a different way. Because even when the fighting stopped there would still be plenty to do to help people recover and rebuild. Oh and of course, she’d made him a promise back on Zygerria that she’d help him end slavery in the galaxy once and for all. Though she wasn’t sure if that were possible, she wanted to try. She’d barely had a glimmer of what it was like to be a slave, that was a reality he’d lived, and it disgusted her beyond reason. Especially when she’d seen the value people had placed on her own people. That they weren’t seen as equals, only something to break like animals. But slavery wasn’t exclusive to her people, despite aliens being seen as less than humans in many places around the galaxy, humans had been made slaves too.
She looked up and stared at the poster that hung on the far wall. The Boonta Eve Classic. She knew nothing about podracing, but she knew it meant something to him. Anakin didn’t like to talk about his past, but it was the one thing in her quick perusal of his room that he’d kept that had any connection to Tatooine. She sat down on the edge of his bed and remembered their first mission together. She’d been so excited to go to Tatooine, the idea of seeing the planet he was from. But all that excitement had faded when she’d seen how little he loved that place. She’d felt the pain that coursed through him, she’d watched him clench his jaw and fight a rising tide of memories and suffering. How much of it had been his life as a slave and how much had been the loss of his mother? He didn’t talk about his past, but she knew she’d died right before the war. She’d overheard Master Yoda talking to Obi wan about it. She’d wanted so bad to reach out to him when she’d found out, there’d been a visible difference in him as the event had clearly marked a before and after in his life.
But Anakin had never cared about younglings. He’d never noticed her, and she’d doubted he’d pay any attention to her at all, even if she’d braved it. Too afraid of his rejection, she’d kept her distance. At least until she’d been summoned by master Yoda and sent to Christophsis to become his padawan. She’d wondered then, why. Just as she still did now. The more she thought about it now though, the less it made sense. She’d been far too young. Padawans were never chosen until they were nineteen or twenty. And though Togruta matured faster than humans, it wasn’t common for the Jedi to ignore their own rules. They’d claimed it was because she was the top of her lightsaber classes, they’d said she was more than ready. She’d believed them. But now… she wondered if there were other reasons they’d assigned her to him. Attachments were forbidden, but it almost felt as though they’d chosen her to be his padawan because of her attachment to him already.
Despite being a loner herself and mostly unnoticed or overlooked, she doubted that none of the masters had noticed her interest in him. She’d followed him around the temple, she could almost always be found watching him practice.
She saw a spare robe hanging over a chair and picked it up. It still smelled like him. She held it close trying not to cry. She hadn't lost him yet. And if there was any way to prevent those nightmares from happening, she wouldn't lose him at all. She wrapped it around her, pulling it on over her tunic and sat down on the floor by his bed. She leaned on the mattress, resting her head on her arms, willing herself to stay strong. She hated how weak she felt missing him. Where had her strong, fearless self gone? Likely, it had been left here with him.
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It was the early hours of the morning when he returned from his patrol. He was exhausted. Too many sleepless nights left him wondering if he'd ever known what sleep was. Likely he'd fall into bed only to have it elude him yet again and he'd end up meditating just to get through the next day. He was worn down from the war and the physical and mental demand. Not even the rare moments with his wife brought him any sort of peace or comfort. No more than a meditation retreat would even.
He pushed the button to his room at the temple and froze in the doorway. The room was dark, so he couldn't see anything, but it felt like... well it felt like Ahsoka. Which didn't make any sense. She hadn't been here for nine months; her lingering presence should have faded by now. But what had hit him felt fresh and strong.
His heart leapt in his chest. Had she come back? If she wanted to return, he'd do whatever it took to make sure she could be a Jedi again. He closed his eyes and breathed her in, feeling the tension in his muscles ease for the first time in ages. He hated admitting to himself that her presence was far more soothing than even Padmé's. His wife had been comforting at first, but as their secret relationship had gone on and they'd faced difficulties and had problems, his fears that swirled around her, tended to make everything tighter inside him.
With Ahsoka, he'd been able to let down his guard. He'd missed her, so much. Somewhere along the road, she'd become his best friend. He trusted her completely. He never had to explain himself to her; she never judged him or made him feel undeserving. When she'd left, he'd felt lost. So lost. To the point that he'd been sure he'd never find his way again.
When he'd taken her on as his apprentice, he'd never imagined he'd be the one that became dependent on her. He thought he'd have a clingy teenager to worry about all the time, but she'd been nothing like that at all. She was fiercely independent, strong and powerful. She was a little too idealistic sometimes, but she was wise beyond her years. She was sharp and quick witted and even when they bickered, he loved all of it about her. She'd always seemed to know when he was down or struggling to get through the latest batch of pain and she'd tell a story or do something to distract him and make him feel better.
It wasn't until after she left that he'd realized just how little he'd appreciated her. And how badly he'd needed her. She had been a light in the daily grind, something to look forward to. Somebody that could always cheer him up no matter how bad he felt. Even in the moments she was scared, or worried or unsure, she radiated light. And anybody that knew her, knew that. Or so he'd thought. The moment there'd been the slightest doubt about her loyalty, they'd thrown her out.
His hand balled into a fist and he took a deep breath. He had mixed feelings when it came to Ahsoka these days. He missed her dearly but thinking about her often led him to anger.
He sighed and took off his belt and gloves. Along with the outer armor of his robes and boots. Then he pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it aside.
He froze before dropping into bed. In the small bit of morning light drifting in through the blinds, he saw her sitting there on the floor, asleep as she laid against his bed. He tipped his head to the side, was that his robe she was wearing? He should be angry that she was here, but instead, he felt the excitement burst in his chest.
He didn't know why she was here, but he was glad she was. He knelt down in front of her and brought his hand to her cheek. Her skin was soft and cool to the touch. "Ahsoka?" He whispered.
She stirred a little but didn't wake. He glanced up at the chrono by his bed and saw that he had at least four hours before he was expected to be anywhere. Without another thought, he scooped her up and laid her gently down on the bed. Then he crawled in next to her and pulled the blankets up. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close.
The feel of her deep breathing against him made his muscles relax and he drifted off, finally feeling like he'd get some real rest for a change.