Chapter Text
I can’t even remember the day my boyfriend got taken from me. As I’m sitting on the cold earth, shivering, looking at the patch of ground where he now rests, I don’t remember when we met, or the day he got taken away. I know we were in that god-awful place. Why on earth were we there? Why can’t I recall a thing from before I met him? Even the stuff after is slowly getting cloudier.
“Hey, it’s me, Mikey. I don’t even remember what happened before you, before Bluestone. All I know is I miss you. I’m sorry for whatever I did that got you taken away from me. I’d bet you 100 bucks that it was my fault. But we’ll see each other again, I’m sure of it. Even though I don’t believe in heaven and hell, I know that when two people truly love each other, they will be reunited.” My throat burns with the urge to cry, my eyes welling up with tears.
“Oh, get this- I’m broken again. You might’ve fixed me, but now, since you’re gone, I’m broken. Markman will find me and take me back to Bluestone, broken. I never quite understood why you said I had to be put back together. But now I think I do.”
I laugh to myself, and one solitary teardrop falls down my cheek. “I’m forgetting everything. It’s almost as if I went back in time with my memory. I don’t remember my family, I’m starting to forget about Frank, and everything’s a hazy blur. But even once I forget everyone and everything, I promise I will try my hardest to remember you. I think it would be impossible to forget you. No matter what happens to me, I’ll remember you. Because I love you. And I know that there’s no way those feelings can shatter into lost memories. Even if I forget your beautiful face, my love for you will always be here, all of the feelings I have for you that I’ve always had.”
There’s no holding back the tears, but my breath doesn’t catch and no sounds emerge from my throat. My tears are just flowing without me even realising it. Without me being able to process it. Just like he did.
I get up from the grave slowly, still pondering why my boyfriend was taken from me. I yearn for help, I crave my medications, and I need to go and cry and scream. I need to find someone to help me. The only place I know will help me is back there, the only place I truly remember. I say remember, but that's because I was there three hours ago. I remember that it’s not my home, but honestly, I don’t remember what is.
Almost all of my memories had come back since the accident, mainly because of him, but now nothing is there anymore. I can’t recall a thing. The only time I started to get better was when I was with him. But he’s gone now, and it feels as if everything else is leaving me, too. Now, my strengths aren’t gone, it’s not like all of those went away again. It’s just my mind, which to me is more important in life.
I miss him, and that’s all that’s shooting through my empty brain. I miss my boyfriend. My boyfriend, my tether to the real world who managed to bring me back to reality. He did what people thought was impossible- he fixed me. But now that he’s gone, I’m broken. I’m off in the clouds once more.
“Mikey? How on earth did you get out here!”
If my memory proves me correct, which isn't an entirely reliable source, I believe it’s Markman, the main doctor. Truly, how did she find me? I ran so far! Almost ten miles. I hope she drove here. I wonder how long she’s just been standing there.
“Hi, Dr. Markman,” I say, trying to find an escape route while looking everywhere but at her. The only options are either hopping the fence, which would be very painful and annoying because I’m really not the most athletic, or running Markman over and escaping out the gated entryway of the cemetery. Again, I’m not the most athletic and Markman could most likely break me in half. I’m a twig compared to her. I guess she can take me now. I surrender.
“Mikey, it’s time for you to come back. Your parents are worried sick, your friends are scared!”
“Markman, I can’t leave him. You know I can’t. He’s the only one that makes me feel sane, he made me remember, but now he’s gone!” I let out a small, choked sob. I don’t even care if Markman hears me. I need him back, but I don’t know how to do that. I have a feeling that the remainder of my tears will be escaping in the confines of my room.
“Oh, come on, Mikey. He won’t go anywhere, and if you cooperate with me, I can pull a couple of strings and see if you’d be able to come down and visit sometimes. You just have to come back to Bluestone. Please,” begs Markman, extending her hand to me. I reluctantly take her gloved hand, letting her pull me up and away from him. She leads me past the gates of the cemetery, which is odd. I thought she wanted to get me out of here!
“Markman, where are you taking me? Do you realise that the gate is behind us?”
“I have to drop something off, Mikey.”
We walk over to another grave. There are dead flowers littered around. It seems as if no one has visited for months now.
“Whose grave is this?” I ask. She doesn’t tell me right away, which is bothersome. She just kneels in front of the tombstone, pulls a small framed drawing and notebook out of her jacket, and leans both of them up against the stone. A small pencil, which is just a stub, is tucked in the spiral of the notebook. She also places a rose on top of the drawing. I see a small note attached written in the messiest handwriting I have ever seen. The only word I can make out is ‘Gerard’, which makes me guess that this must be Gerard’s grave. I can’t make out the faded letters on the tombstone in the dark. But Gerard is such a rare name, and if Markman knows, he must’ve been a past patient. I’m curious though.
“Markman? Who’s Gerard? Why’d you bring me here and not take me back to Bluestone?”
“Mike, this is Gerard Way’s grave. Your brother’s grave. He caused your accident, remember? He came to see you two months before you first came to Bluestone, and he apologised. He had schizophrenia. He was a good man and very caring about you and his boyfriend. One of my past patients asked me to bring this for him because he couldn’t do it on his own. He comes every single day, but this was just too hard,” she explains.
My brother, the cause of why I am the way I am. If Gerard apologised that must’ve meant that he felt really bad. I feel horrible that Gerard’s dead. If I try to remember hard enough I can vaguely think back to that day. But not really. Gerard might’ve been crazy, but he had to have been nice. I can’t remember at all anymore. Heck, I can’t even think straight! My memory got worse since he was taken away from me. Who are my parents? Who else did I have a life with that I can’t remember?
“Markman, did you take him away from me so I wouldn’t remember?” I asked out of curiosity. “I don’t remember anything anymore. I don’t, I can’t.”
I can’t hold in the tears anymore that show my weaknesses. I always hated looking weak, and I wonder why that is. Who put that thought into my head, I might never know. I just let them loose though, my breathing slowing into choked gasps. I can barely breathe. I’m going to suffocate. I hide my face, hugging myself the way I always do when I’m sad, trying to get as small as I can. I feel a hand on my shoulder, making me jump and making it harder to catch my breath.
“Michael, calm down. No one took him from you. He died, it wasn’t on purpose. Let’s get you back to Bluestone, ok?”
“Markman, can I please ask you one thing?” I ask as she gets up from the grave. She starts walking towards her black car and out of the cemetery. As soon as we’re past the gates, I stop in my tracks, looking back at his grave. She stops and turns to look at me.
“What’s that, Mikey?”
“Will you try to fix me, help me remember again? He did it, but I don’t know how to get back to those times. Please, can you try?” My voice is quivery and shakes, my breath making my voice rise and fall in pitch making me sound like a pubescent teenager trying to talk through a kazoo.
“Oh, of course, Mikey. Anything you want from now on. You’ve been through enough. I promise,” she says. I swear, this woman is sometimes the devil. But other times she’s a saint. I smile slightly at her and she opens the car door for me. I slide in.
We start to drive away from the cemetery. Away from him, back to Bluestone. I’ll be there, regaining memories. But as Markman said, once that patient was released he was able to do anything. I have to try to get better for him so I can visit him whenever. I have to do everything for him.
I let the audible sobs escape my throat where they had been held captive, I let the tears drip from my eyes and onto my chest. I let my breathing become short. Jagged. I let a small whisper escape my mouth, and I know it’s true.
“I promise sweetheart. I’ll get better. For you. Everything’s for you,” I say under my breath. I know Markman didn’t hear me, but that’s the point of whispering. He always loved how shy I am. He loved how I’d whisper things he couldn’t hear, and then he’d have to figure it out.
I was the puzzle he had to put together. I was the broken pieces. He basically finished the puzzle but there was one missing piece. He was so close to finding it. But then he got taken from me. Without me being complete, without that final piece, more went missing.