Chapter Text
“Summer has finally arrived!” Daniel Radcliffe announces as he puts the last of his bags into the back of Billy Bragg’s camper van. He then shields his eyes against the sky’s dazzling azure and the merry dance of the birds. “I don’t know about you, Billy, but I’ve got a feeling this camping trip will our turning point for 2025.”
Billy Bragg slides onto the driver’s seat and puts the keys into the ignition.
“I don’t know, Daniel. My inbox is still blowing up with threats. I don’t think the TERFs are going to leave us alone any time soon. They’re still obsessing over JK Rowling’s essay about my music, and—”
“Billy! I thought we agreed we aren’t going to worry about you-know-who. Isn’t that the purpose of this trip?”
“Easier said than done, Danny. We can’t even look at our phones without having some TERF scream at us. How are we going to use our satnavs without getting harassed?”
“We’ll use a map, like the old-fashioned way. You still remember how, right?”
“Err… yeah, sure.” Billy Bragg clears his throat uneasily. “Hop on, now. We’d better get going if we want to make it to Cornwall before it gets dark.”
And so they say no more about it and hit the road. That is, until they slowly realise that they should have arrived in Cornwall three hours ago.
“Errr, Billy? You haven’t got us lost, have you?” Daniel tentatively asks.
“What? No, of course not.”
“Then why are all the signs in Welsh?”
“Eh? That can’t be right.”
“Oh yeah?” Daniel points out the window. “Croeso i Caerdydd, Billy.”
“Oh, for the love of!” Billy Bragg pulls over with a slam of the brakes. His head hung low, he runs a hand through his hair. “This is beyond ridiculous. You-know-who is taking over our lives, Daniel. It’s time we do something about this.”
“Okay, but can we stretch our legs first? We’ve been in here for at least six hours.”
They walk around Cardiff in a lingering, ruminative silence. Everybody stops and stares at them in polite admiration whilst respectfully maintaining their distance, because — you know — Cardiff. They venture into the heart of the city. In the waning dusk, a building illuminates before them in a dazzling magenta. Upon closer inspection, they read the words ‘The Queer Emporium’.
“Hey, this place looks gayer than the rest of Cardiff.” Daniel Radcliffe says. “I bet they can help us.”
Luckily the place is not too busy. Awaiting them is a tall muscly shopkeeper with a lengthy beard full of flaming purple streaks. And so the two go in and explain their situation:
“I just don’t get it.” Daniel Radcliffe concludes. “All we did was accept trans people. Why are we getting punished for that?”
“Yes.” Billy Bragg agrees. “It’s as if JK Rowling and her hypocritical misogyny are trying to drag everyone way back into the past, back to the 1950s.”
A crafty little smirk spreads across the shopkeeper’s face.
“Hmm. That gives me an idea…” They stroke their beard, before swiping their keys and calling to their colleagues:
“You girls cover for me. I gotta get to the garage…”