Chapter Text
Xander had finally come out. His parents were generally laidback, so he never expected this to happen.
His father’s smile became strained. “Huh? You’re joking right? April Fools passed a long time ago, you know?’ he laughed, cold and bitter, “You’re joking, you’re joking! Where’d you learn how to be such a comedian?” he continued laughing, squeezing his son’s shoulder with an almost crushing force. “Hilarious..”
Xander raised an eyebrow. He’d never seen his dad behave this way before. His smile dropped, “That hurts.. And it’s not a joke, dad.. I don’t like-”
A wrinkled hand connected with his cheek, making his head jerk with a crisp sound. “It’s not funny! You shouldn’t joke about,” she paused, shuddering, “that, it’s disgusting. You’re not actually saying you’re one of them, right?”
He looked back at her, then his eyes went back and forth between her and his dad. “What’s wrong?” he held his own cheek.
His father let go of his shoulder, taking deep breaths to calm himself. “I’ll excuse myself.” he walked to the door with his head down, his jaw clenched. His son, his own flesh and blood, was gay? Where had he gone wrong? He opened the door slowly, and walked out.
His mother panted, her hands shaking, eyes wide. She couldn’t believe what she just did. But her son.. Her son just told her he was a deviant, and so excitedly too. Smiling dumbly and all that. She stared at her hands, then her son. Tears flowed freely from her eyes, “Please.. Tell me you’re joking.” she spoke softly.
“I..” his head was spinning now. He thought they’d be supportive, because, well, that’s how they’ve always acted around him. He wanted to lie and say yes, just to get her to stop. He didn’t like seeing her like this at all. But no words could come out of his mouth. He could only just stand there, frozen in place.
His mother quickly went out of the room, holding her hands together.
He stood in place for a while. His mind was still trying to process what just happened. After a while, he went to his room to lay in his bed. He absentmindedly pressed his fingers against his own cheek. It hurt whenever he touched it, but he did it anyway for some reason. ‘Disgusting.. Am I disgusting?’
His own mother had called him disgusting. Was it too late to take it back? He wanted to, but then he’d be lying. And they’d figure out he’d been lying eventually, so he decided being honest was just the best answer.
He heard footsteps. He held his breath, hoping they wouldn’t come in. To his relief, they didn’t.
That night, he didn’t get much sleep. In the morning, dark circles had formed under his eyes. He got ready as usual, but slower this time and went downstairs. His mom wasn’t there to greet him, as she usually did. Though there was some cold fried rice and soup on the table. “Thank you for the meal..” He ate, and noticed there wasn’t any seasoning in the fried rice like there usually was. It was just white rice and eggs. He cringed whenever he felt a crunch. He went to get a paper towel, and picked the eggshells out onto it. The miso soup tasted good though.
He quietly put the dishes in the sink, and then put on his shoes. As he walked to school, he greeted people on the street.
He saw the guard by the school gate, and smiled at him. “Morning.” They smiled in return. He went to his locker to put his stuff in. After a few minutes, he heard some yelling, so he looked out the window. Some kid was late, and the gate was shut on him. He snorted, and went on with his day.
He sat next to Haneul in class, who smiled warmly at him. Xander smiled back, while Haneul’s boyfriend, Hyunwoo, glared daggers at the back of his head. He looked back to smile at him too, “Good morning.”
He usually helped them with their classwork, but this time, he seemed a bit out of it. He was smiling, but his eyes were cold. He didn’t write anything down at all, just staring at the blank paper.
Haneul gently nudged his shoulder, “Pst, can you help me with number 3?”
He didn’t answer.
Haneul noticed something was up and asked, “Are you okay?”
Three words. Those three simple words made him finally crack. He broke down in the middle of class.
He hid his face, it was humiliating to be so vulnerable in front of people. He tried to stop by trying to swallow it, but it didn’t work at all. It only served to make him louder.
Haneul flinched, surprised by his sudden outburst. She tried to be calm and patted his back, trying to comfort him. “T-there, there..”
He was trying to be quiet, which only made him louder. He could feel so many eyes on him. “St-stop..” he gasped between words, “Looking.. at.. me..”
Haneul covered her own eyes, while Hyunwoo quietly glared at anyone staring.
“Would you like to step out for a bit?” His teacher smiled awkwardly, not used to the sight at all.
He nodded slowly. Trudging his way along to the door, stares burning at the back of his neck.
At lunch, a bunch of girls tried to comfort him, since he never really made many male friends. But they made it worse, all their constant questions.. Hyunwoo pulled him aside, leading him to the bathroom, “Listen, I don’t like you,” Hyunwoo grumbled.
“You.. hate me?” He hiccuped about once every minute.
Hyunwoo snarled, “Ugh, no, you dumbass! Let me finish.” he spoke roughly.
Usually, Xander just found his aggressiveness funny, since he knew that was just how he acted normally. But now, it scared him a little.
He sighed, “I don’t like you, but I still care about you. We’re friends. You don’t have to tell me anything, but if it’s bothering you so much, I want you to tell me.”
He pauses. Friends? He’d never hung out with him before. Hyunwoo’s definition was way different than his own, he guessed. “We’re friends, but you don’t like me?”
He nodded, “Yeah, I mean, you’re a player.”
“No, I’m not? I haven’t even been in a relationship.”
“Huh?! How?! You’re always surrounded by girls!” he shouted, shocked. “You’re lying, right?”
“And you’re surrounded by guys.”
Hyunwoo’s face turned red, “I’m not into guys! I have a girlfriend!“
Xander mumbled, “And I don’t like girls..”
He paused, “What..?”
Xander was shocked by his own words. Why'd he have to say it so suddenly? "I'm.. I'm sorry." he hiccuped.
Immediately, he felt his spine nearly being crushed by Hyunwoo’s arms. “Sorry? For what? It’s not like you can control it.” his voice was still rough, but softer than it was before.
Xander felt comforted, but it felt like his back was gonna break at any moment. “Let go of me!”
Hyunwoo refused and only wrapped his arms tighter.
At night, he had a pretty hard time falling asleep. He bawled in front of all his classmates. How would this affect his reputation? And how was he gonna get his parents to act normal again?
His reputation didn’t change, but the guys who already hated him for getting so much attention, saw it as a golden opportunity. At school they teased him, but Hyunwoo only needed to give them a glare before they decided to run away.
His parents were a different story. He tried to win them over again, participating in more community work, studying longer, cooking for them, etc.
He tried apologizing the next day, “I’m sorry..”
“For what?” his father raised an eyebrow.
“Saying that, yesterday.”
“So, you’re saying you’re gonna be normal now?” his mother smiled.
“Normal?”
“You won’t say you like boys anymore, right?”
Xander shook his head, which caused his dad to act aloof again.
“What’s the point of an apology if you keep making the same mistake?” He turned up the volume on the TV.
Xander looked down at his own feet. He didn’t know what to say, so he just went back to his room.
Then the next day, he made breakfast early in the morning. He let the dishes sit on the dining table while he waited for them. He heard footsteps. “Good morning!” he greeted enthusiastically.
“What’s this?” his mom smiled. She walked to the table.
Xander’s eyes lit up, thinking this was progress. “I made breakfast!”
His father clicked his tongue, “Cooking is meant for wom-” his mom glared at him, “I-I mean, it’s better to-” she glared even harder. He sighed, “..Thank you. But you could’ve just slept in instead of waking up early to cook. You always complain about not having enough sleep, right? Maybe this is why. You spend pointless time doing-” he kept going on and on, and his mom tried to stop him at first, but it was pointless. He had a motormouth.
He ended up nagging him so long, Xander had to sprint down the streets to barely make it in time for school..
Xander kept coming up with shenanigans to get them to be nice again, but they didn’t really work. During Report Card day, when he got all A’s, they did smile and congratulate him, but that was all. This continued for weeks.
One day, they seemed more distant than usual. There were random delivery boxes on the couch, and there were many tupperware boxes of just food on the table.
“Uhm, what's going on?”
They didn’t answer, so he decided to try to ignore it. He was curious, but he knew he probably wouldn’t get an answer anytime soon.
The next day, they were distant again. “Good morning..” he greeted them as they chowed down on breakfast. His mother, who was just smiling, suddenly had a neutral expression. She collected her and her husband’s bowls and placed them in the sink. Then she just started washing them silently.
Meanwhile, his father held a stern face as he held his newspapers closer to his face.
He sat down, and quietly ate his food. Why was it so tense these two past days?
In the afternoon, his parents made him pack his stuff. He felt his heart sink. Was he gonna be kicked out? Where would he even go? He was trying
“You’re moving to Ulsan.” his father explained.
“Oh.” he let out a sigh of relief, “Did you find a new job there? Why’re we going there”
He shook his head, “Not we, you.”
“Huh?”
“You’re moving to Ulsan,” he repeated. “We rented an apartment for you there.”
“Oh..” he looked down at his luggage. The optimistic part of him was glad that he had somewhere to live still, at least, but it still hurt. “What about school?”
“I enrolled you into a new school. Ulsan technical high.”
“Wait, isn’t that an all boys school?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. They were upset because he liked guys, right? They even went as far as to rent an apartment just for him in the city it was in. “Why would you do that?” he asked.
His father grumbled, “All your friends are girls, so you don’t interact with guys a lot, right? So now, you’ll get to see what they're really like. See if you’ll still like them then.”
He made a face, but didn’t question further. His father looked pretty uncomfortable already. So, their plan was to surround him with guys to see how horrible they were or something? He could see why they’d try that, but he knew it wouldn’t work. “Okay..”
His mother chimed in, nodding. “You’ve only been around polite guys because all the boys you talk to are in an elite school. They have a reputation to uphold for their esteemed families.”
He nodded, “Okay.” he repeated. For some reason, he didn’t cry. He felt almost numb. It was almost like a dream, this didn’t feel real, but it was. He quietly folded his clothes into the suitcase. His mother handed him his new uniform.
“This is what you’ll wear there.”
He nodded slowly, putting that in too. He tried putting his unfinished sketchbooks inside, but it couldn’t fit all of them. He put four in, and just held the other two.
During the drive to Ulsan, the ride was pretty tense. He was in the backseat, staring out of the window. He tried to look at the bright side, they were gonna help him pack.
He helped his dad carry the bed frame. Xander smiled at him, but his dad was just trying to focus on the frame. The wooden pattern looked nice.
After they finished moving all the furniture in, they went back to the car. She got a few prep meals she made herself, then came back up at his apartment with them. She placed them in the freezer. “These should last a week before they expire..”
“Thank you.” he said, smiling bittersweetly.
They nodded then left, leaving Xander to live by himself for the first time.
He opened the fridge, taking out one of the prep meals stored in tupperware. He got chopsticks and sat down, eating it out of the container. Now alone, he began to process all his emotions. He almost choked on his food when his breath hitched, but he swallowed it with the help of water. It was like he was a child again. When he was young, after arguments, his mom would cut up garlic-tasting apples for him as an apology. And he’d eat it while sobbing, trying not to choke. Like he’s doing now. For some reason, those tasted so good at the moment.
After he finished eating, his sobs had subsided. He put the tupperware in the sink to let it soak. He went to his bed and closed the lights. He sat in bed for a while, but his head was too noisy. Instead of futilely trying to fall asleep, he decided to call a friend.
He reached for his phone to call Haneul. She picked up, and so he began ranting to her about everything.
“I feel so much better after getting all that out my chest..” he sighed, after he finished his rant. “Anyways, how’re you doing? I hope I’m not bothering you.”
“No, no! You’re not bothering me, talk to me at any time. Preferably not at three in the morning, but it’s fine. I don’t have school tomorrow anyway.” she yawned.
“It’s that late?! Oh my god, I’m so sorry!”
“Like I said, it’s fine.”
“I’ll hang up now, sorry.” He hung up. Then called Hyunwoo.
“Hello? Who is this?” He sounded perfectly awake. “I’m training right now, so it better be important.”
“I miss you.”
“Xander?! What’re you talking about, I saw you literally just yesterday. Why’re you so clingy?”
“I moved to Ulsan.”
“Oh..” his voice softened. “I’ll see you when I can.”
“We never hung out before though?”
“Shut up.”
Xander smiled, but he couldn’t see it, of course. “Anyways, good luck. See you.”
“See ya.” Hyunwoo hung up.
The next day on Sunday, he walked aimlessly through the city. If he was distracted, he wouldn’t think about it. The water bay was beautiful. He marbled at it, before moving on. He looked at the restaurants, wondering what they served. He saw a large mass of people and at first thought they were in line, but then he noticed they were fighting. He saw a few of them having the same Uniforms as the one from his school. He went back home, deciding he saw enough today. He spent the rest of Sunday at home, reading webtoons.
The next day, he got up and put on his uniform. On his way to school, he smiled at others, which they ignored. As he finally arrived at the gate, he could tell what his father meant by a hell on earth.