Archive of Our Own ^beta

You might feel important but you are just one person on a rock flying through space in the incomprehensible expanse that is the universe. Welcome, to Night Vale.

You might have noticed the disappearance of all of the birds in Night Vale. Birds’ songs can still be heard, but not a single bird has been seen in Night Vale for well over a week. Simone Rigadeau, who lives in the unused recycling closet in the Night Vale Community College’s Earth Science building, stated that the birds have definitely not been driven away by the hooded figures in the dog park. Why would they be driven away by the hooded figures in the dog park? That would be ridiculous. She then screeched like a fox and set fire to a stack of newspapers.

Teddy Williams has reported that the miniature city under the pin retrieval area of lane five of the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex has attempted to establish communication with him. So far, he has only received a phone call, and when he answered the phone all he heard was a high pitched whining like that of an injured bat, followed by the occasional sound of small feet scurrying. Teddy Williams has speculated that the miniature town is attempting to negotiate some sort of truce after all of the losses they have suffered under the stomping feet of Teddy Williams’ militia.

However, others have speculated that the town is not surrendering, due to the fact that the juke box is again broken and repeating Brittany Spears’ Toxic, which they take to be a threat of chemical warfare. To these accusations, Teddy Williams merely stated that “the jukebox is a piece of crap” and that he “liked Brittany Spears,” so he wasn’t going to stop it any time soon.

Listeners, I don’t normally like to talk about my personal life. I mean, why would you want to hear about the mundane details of my little life when there are so many things you need to know about the goings on in our town? But, while it might not be seen as professional, I just need to talk about what happened last night…

As you might remember, Carlos and I have been going out for a while now. Seven months, two weeks and three days to be precise. And everything was going wonderfully- perfect even. I thought it was absolutely perfectly wonderful.

But you know Carlos, he’s so dedicated to his work and his sciences, and he can be very curious about certain things around town that seem quite obvious. Like the invisible clock tower that keeps teleporting and the sudden disappearances of all birds around Night Vale but the continuations of bird songs. I mean some of these things are pretty obvious. I mean everyone knows that from August till September birds all fly south to enjoy the last few days of summer.

But Carlos was determined to get to the bottom of the phantom bird songs and started several experiments and investigations of trees and bushes around Night Vale. But the City Council outlawed all knowledge or interaction with any floral on weekdays during the summer months, which the Sheriffs Secret Police would like me to remind you is still in place until the 21st of September when birds return to Night Vale and devour many of our smaller pets and children. I tried to get Carlos to wait at least till the weekend to investigate the trees, but he never listens to me.

So after the show last night, I found a message on the milk in my fridge saying that the Sheriffs Secret Police have detained Carlos at an undisclosed location, and if I wanted to bribe his captors and pick him up, it would cost three pizzas from Big Rico’s and two hundred unmarked dollars delivered to the Abandoned mineshaft. Of course I rushed right over, bribed the Secret Police, and took Carlos home. And his stay in the abandoned mineshaft hadn’t been that bad, they only roughed him up a little and he got to watch an episode of Game of Thrones.

When I asked him if he was alright on the ride back, he just sighed and said “I’m just really tired Cecil.” And I nodded, because your first detention can be pretty exhausting. Then he went on, “This town is just so aggravating. Nothing makes sense and when I try to make sense of it, I get stopped at every turn.”So I mentioned that I had tried to stop him and did warn him that interacting with the trees was illegal during the week. And Car- and he s-said that I shouldn’t need to warn him because the Sheriff’s Secret Police shouldn’t make such ridiculous laws, and I told him they were just doing their job to keep us safe. And he said we don’t need to be scared of things like trees or bushes. They’re harmless. We have nothing to fear. At which point I was pretty upset and before I could stop myself, I blurted out “the last time you said that, you almost died.” And the car went silent. After a minute of uncomfortable silence, I continued saying “I’m just trying to protect you.” To which Carlos said, “I don’t need you to protect me, Cecil. I am a scientist, I’m self reliant. I can take care of myself.” I don’t really know what I said next exactly, I was concentrating too much on not breaking down in tears, but it was something along the lines of he obviously couldn’t, considering all the times his science has gotten him into mortal peril and he’s needed someone to come and save him.

We were silent after that for the rest of the ride. I dropped him off at his lab without receiving so much as a thank you or a goodnight. I was so distraught, I nearly drove into a hooded figure, and I hardly noticed.

I’m just trying to keep him safe. Is that so bad Night Vale? He’s been here for a while now, but he still doesn’t know everything about Night Vale, and that can be dangerous at times. I can’t imagine living without him, and if something happened to him, if I let something happen to him (voice breaks as if about to cry) I…. I don’t think I could live with myself. He means more than anything else in the world to me. I love him.

(Rustling of paper and a small cough)

The Candidates for the mayoral election were announced a few moments ago officially by the City Council. The list is as follows: Hiram McDaniels, the Faceless Old Woman Who Lives in Your House, Big Rico, Tamera Ryans (current manager of the Arby’s), and ugh- Steve Carlsberg. Who let Steve Carlsberg run for office, that jerk can’t even manage a fish tank let alone an entire town. I can’t wait to see him come in last place, I bet no one will even vote for him.

When asked by reporters why Hiram McDaniels was allowed to run for office as he is still awaiting trial for insurance fraud, the City Council merely shrugged, saying they figured a five headed dragon would make the race more interesting.

I must agree with our City Council, I think Hiram McDaniels will make an excellent mayor of Night Vale, and would be a symbol of diversity and equality for our little town. If elected, McDaniels would be the first dragon to openly serve as mayor anywhere within the United States. We would be pioneers for social justice and example for all other cities to follow. And who knows, perhaps one day, a dragon will serve as president of the United States.

And now a word from our sponsor.

Do you feel alone when you are in a crowded room? Do you feel like nobody cares about you? Do you feel so inconsequential that your existence seems pointless in the entire existence of time? Well guess what? It is! Feeling sad? Well you shouldn’t be! The entirety of this planets existence is insubstantial in comparison to the life of the universe. And one day the universe itself will die, contracting back on itself, destroying all matter before it explodes again, recreating a cycle of life and death for a void older than any and all comprehension.

This message has been brought to you by Always brand tampons and sanitary pads. Have a happy period. Always.

Let’s now have a look at your community calendar. This Sunday is the annual Silence Hour. Please remember to remain absolutely silent from 4 to 5 in the afternoon. Any noise, no matter how small will attract ravenous predatory animals to you, and you will be killed. Remember the Silence Hour slogan, Not a sound, won’t be found. Monday evening, Elvis will make an appearance in the mirror in the bathroom of Dark Owl Records. Those wishing to see the King of Rock and Roll should be there promptly at 6:53 pm to get a chance to stare him silently. Wednesday from noon to one, meditation and yoga classes will be taught in Grove Park. Those wishing to attend are asked to bring their own yoga mats and sacrificial offerings. Thursday at Night Vale Elementary, students will take mandated vision and hearing tests. Parents, please make sure that your children are prepared for these tests and that they are prepared for the visions of the future that they may see. Friday is nothing. You should not worry about Friday at all, or ever. Saturday pets and government officials eat free at Big Rico’s.

That has been your community calendar.

I received another text from intern Dana (or her double) today. She’s doing alright, and she would like to thanks all of the listeners who have been throwing her snacks over the walls of the dog park. She asks listeners to continue to toss her food, and if it would be possible, she would like a blanket or a jacket, as it seems to be quite cold during the nights.

It’s always so nice to hear from Dana, she is such a sweetheart-

(a door opens and closes quietly)

Oh, Carlos- um… hold on a second. Listeners, let’s send you now to The Weather.

We have a special guest with us now. Just before the break, Carlos, perfect, wonderful, forgiving, sweet Carlos stopped by my studio to talk with me, because he couldn’t wait till after the broadcast after everything that was said. I told him we could talk about it later, after everything we’ve been through, it couldn’t wait. Cecil, he said in his gorgeous voice, Cecil, I’ve felt absolutely miserable since our fight last night, and I-

CARLOS:
May I talk? Is that okay?

CECIL:
Of course, yes, say whatever you like… my radio show is your radio show…. Oh that was dumb…

CARLOS:
No, no it’s cute… uh, hello listeners. I thought it was important that all of you out there know how difficult it was for me to listen to Cecil’s show today. The thought that I had hurt someone so innocent and loving, without thinking about it… I’m so sorry Cecil. I know I can be reckless, but I have something to live for now. So don’t think for a moment anything I do is because I don’t listen to you or care for you, because I do, I just get caught up in everything sometimes and needed to be reminded that I do. It’s kinda hard to explain.

CECIL:
I understand.

CARLOS:
I love you, Cecil.

CECIL:
You’ve never said that before.

CARLOS:
I know.

(Sound of movement, then a pause)

CECIL:
Can I just, finish- real quick- sorry I just

(Carlos chuckles)

Dear, sweet listeners, may life be as kind and giving to you as it is to me. May you find all the love you deserve and more. And if life is not kind, remember that even at the darkest times, happiness and bliss is never far away.

Up next an abridged production of Shakespeare’s Hamlet, preformed on kazoo, by Night Vale’s very own Kazoo Corp.

Goodnight Night Vale, Goodnight.