Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Connor stared at his left wrist. He traced a finger over the large crack in it. Red flashed up at him.

2 months, 1 day, 3 hours and 23 minutes.

He was suppose to meet his soulmate at that time. But that time didn't matter. His timer was broken, he was broken. He didn't have a soulmate. He accepted this.

The doctors had no idea what to do, this has never happened before. They thought that after a while it might start counting down again.

But after one month, Connor had given up all hope. He had decided that he didn't have one, that no one would love him.

Connor sighed, his fingers gripping the timer. His nails dug until he saw blood. He wiped his hand on his black hoodie.

He grabbed his backpack and dragged his tired self downstairs. His father was seated at the kitchen table, a newspaper in hand and open. Connor didn't look at him, he just sat down and poured himself cereal.

Zoe sat next to him.

"It's your first day of senior year," Cynthia said, "I don't want you missing it."

"I already said I'd go tomorrow," Connor replied, putting his head in his arms.

"He won't listen. Look at him, he's probably high," his father commented.

"He's definitely high," Zoe said.

"He's not high," Cynthia said. Connor slowly raised his head, not looking at his mother. She stared at him. "I don't want you going to school high Connor!"

"Perfect, so then I won't go." He stood up and grabbed his backpack, walking off. "Thanks Mom."

Evan walked through the school doors, trying to flow through the crowd, trying to seem invisible.

He was getting closer to his locker when Jared Kleinman–a so called family friend as Jared liked to say-spotted him.

"Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm due to jerking off too much?" he asked, walking up to Evan.

"I w-wasn't doing, that d-didn't happen," Evan stammered out.

"Picture this," Jared started, "you have Zoe Murphy's Instagram pulled up on your weird off-branded phone."

"That's not what happened," Evan said quickly. "I was, I was climbing a tree and I, I fell."

"You fell out of a tree?" Jared laughed, throwing his head back. "What are you, like an acorn?"

Evan shook his head. "No. I don't think you know this but I was an apprentice park ranger and I'm sort of a tree expert now and I–never mind. There was this 40 foot tall tree-"

"And you fell?" Jared questioned.

"Well the funny thing is as I was laying on the ground, I kept thinking someone was gonna come by and help me, any minute now. But no one came."

Jared looked behind Evan. "Loving the new hair length," he said, "very school shooter chic."

Evan turned around and saw Connor Murphy, staring blankly at Jared.

"It was a joke." Jared cleared his throat.

"No I know," Connor replied. "I'm laughing, can't you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you?" He took a step toward Jared.

"You're such freak." Jared walked off, leaving Evan and Connor alone. Evan chuckled nervously, trying to disguise it as a cough.

"Are you laughing at me?" Connor asked.

Evan's eyes widened. "N-no I wouldn't." He was shaking his head vigorously. "I'm not–I wouldn't."

Connor marched right up to the boy, shouting, "I'm not a fucking freak, you're the freak!" He grabbed Evan by his shirt collar, staring daggers at him. Evan put his arms up in defense. Connor caught sight of Evan's timer. He froze, eyes not leaving it.

Evan dared a glance at Connor. Before he could say anything, he shoved him to the ground, storming off.

Evan sat there, looking at where Connor stood. He dropped his gaze to his lap, staring at his hands. He ran two fingers over his timer, sighing as he felt the cracks underneath. Red blinked up at him.

Evan's heart started pounding against his chest. He slowly stood up, not taking his eyes off of the timer.

His timer had stopped counting down. He had found his soulmate.

Dear Evan Hansen.
Today is going to be a good day and here's why. Because today, you found your soulmate. Or you think you did. You didn't see his timer, you only know that yours has stopped counting.

What if he is your soulmate? What are you going to do? How will the school react when they find out Connor Murphy is your soulmate? How will your mom react? What if the timer was wrong and you actually don't have a soulmate?

Hopefully you get the courage to ask him about and not get scared and run away like always.

Sincerely, your closest and dearest friend, me.

Evan reread the letter before printing it out. He couldn't help but glance at his timer.

"So how'd you break your arm?" Evan spun around, coming face to face with Connor.

"I um, I fell," Evan said. "Out of a tree."

"That's the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard," Connor replied.

"Yeah. . ." Evan couldn't help try to find Connor's timer.

"Nobody's signed your cast yet."

Evan's eyes flickered up to Connor's. "Oh. Yeah, nobody's–I haven't gotten anyone to-"

"I'll sign it." Evan looked surprised. "Got a sharpie?" Evan dug around in his pocket, pulling out a black sharpie. Connor grabbed Evan's arm, making him yelp. He scribbled his name is large letters, taking up most of the space. "Now we can both pretend we have friends."

They fell into silence. Connor reached over to the printer. "This yours?" he asked, reading a paper. His eyes narrowed. Evan's eyes widened. His letter. "What makes you think we're soulmates?"

"W-well," Evan started, "my uh, my timer s-stopped when you grabbed me. I don't know if we are soulmates, I didn't see your timer and mine is most likely broken so I mean there is a possibility that we're not."

Connor pulled up his sleeve, glancing at his timer. It was still at the time of when it broke.

"Mine's broken too," Connor said, pulling his sleeve down. "It stopped counting down two months ago."

Evan bit his lip. "So did mine. . . Specifically July 4th. How did yours stop?"

"I'm not sure and frankly, I don't care," Connor said. "All I know is that I probably don't have a soulmate."

"Everyone has one," Evan assured. "Just because-"

"Maybe I don't want a soulmate!" Connor snapped. "Maybe I'm just meant to be alone, or maybe my soulmate is dead. Point is I'll never find them and I'm fine with that."

Without another word, Connor left. And Evan's letter was with him.

Chapter Text

ForestExpert: Jared I need help.

CronchCronchCronch: what is it my dude?

ForestExpert: I might've met my soulmate?

CronchCronchCronch: what do you mean "might've"?

ForestExpert: well I mean my timer counted down but I didn't see his

ForestExpert: and he believes he doesn't have one or doesn't need one. And my timer did break a few months ago so it could still be broken even though it stopped counting.

CronchCronchCronch: shit man I'm not sure what to say. Who is this soulmate anyways?

ForestExpert: I'd rather not say. . .

CronchCronchCronch: let me guess.

CronchCronchCronch: it's not Zoe cause you said "he"

CronchCronchCronch: is it. . .

CronchCronchCronch: Mr. school shooter?

ForestExpert: . . . Maybe.

CronchCronchCronch: man I feel bad for you if you are soulmates. He's probably the worst person ever.

ForestExpert: way to make a guy feel great Jared.

ForestExpert: and he might not be that bad. I mean I've never spoke to him except for when he read my letter for therapy and yelled but that doesn't mean he's not nice.

CronchCronchCronch: either way, you're screwed.

CronchCronchCronch: gotta go, dinner time.

ForestExpert: wait don't leave I still need to figure this out.

ForestExpert: Jared?

ForestExpert: please

ForestExpert: talk to you later I guess.

Evan sighed and dropped his phone on his bed, falling back. His face met the soft blankets on his bed. His stomach rumbled. His Mom was working late tonight and there was nothing he liked in the fridge. There was however, a twenty dollar bill on the kitchen counter. But that means he'd have to talk on the phone. Or order it online. But then he'd have to wait awkwardly as the delivery person counted change.

Guess he's not eating tonight.

Since it was the first day of school, there was no homework, meaning there was nothing for Evan to do.

He could watch tv. Or read. Or scroll through YouTube.

That sounded fun and all, but Evan's bed seemed extremely comfortable right now. Evan's eyes drifted shut. He didn't bother standing up to climb under the blankets. He just sort of rolled himself up. Like a burrito. A big, soft burrito.

Evan sighed as he found himself drifting off to sleep.

Evan woke up due to the extreme need to pee. He quickly ran to the bathroom. When he was done, he stepped out of the bathroom and noticed the lights on downstairs. He quietly walked down the stairs.

His Mom stood in the kitchen, looking exhausted. She looked up when she heard a stair creak.

"Hello Evan," Heidi said.

"Oh," Evan said, "hey mom. I thought you didn't get back until eleven?"

"It is eleven." Evan glanced over at the clock on the oven. "I see you didn't eat." Heidi nodded over to the twenty dollars still on the counter.

"I know Mom but you know how it is with the delivery person and the phone call and then the awkward waiting for change and-"

"I know honey," Heidi said softly. "I just don't want you to constantly be hungry when there's no food in the house."

"I-I'm trying, I really am."

"I know Evan. And I'm proud. I am." Heidi walked up to her son. "Now why don't you get to bed, school comes early."

Evan nodded and left the kitchen. He walked upstairs and back to the comfort of his warm bed.

He stared at his timer for a while before drifting back to sleep.

Jared was in the middle of explaining a joke to Evan, but he wasn't paying attention. His mind had wandered to yesterday's events. Connor, his probably soulmate, had yelled at him–twice. Soulmates weren't suppose to do that, right? They were suppose to act kindly to one another, help each other.

"Earth to acorn," Jared said, interrupting Evan's thoughts. "You paying attention?"

"I'm sorry," Evan said, "I didn't hear what you said."

Jared stared at Evan, who was staring off into space again. He followed his line of sight, his frown turning into a smirk.

"Staring at your boyfriend?" he asked. Evan turned red and shook his head. "Go talk to him. Maybe you can sort this whole thing out and start dating."

"He doesn't–I don't–" Jared pushed him forward. "I-I don't like him like that."

Jared rolled his eyes. "Not now but eventually." He grabbed Evan by the shoulders, pushing him over to Connor. "You'll thank me later." He patted his shoulder and left.

Evan stared at the ground, fidgeting with his fingers. Connor stared at him.

"You gonna say something?" Connor asked.

Evan jumped, as if forgetting he was there. "I um, sorry." Because that's how you started a conversation. "I-I know that yo-you don't think you have a soulmate and I'm not saying that I'm the soulmate but maybe you at least want to be friends?"

He closed his eyes, his face burning.

Connor stared at the shorter boy. "Yeah sure," he replied in a bored tone.

Evan looked up. "Really?" He cleared his throat. "I mean, cool. Great. . . I uh." He dug through his backpack, looking for pen and paper. He scribbled down his number, hoping it was readable. "Here." He thrusted the paper to Connor.

Connor took the paper and put it in his pocket. He seemed to get lost in thought before digging through his backpack. He pulled out a sheet of paper. "I walked out with it," he said. Evan looked confused as he took the paper. He quickly scanned it. It was his letter.

"Th-thanks," he mumbled. He stuffed the paper into his backpack. "W-well I should be getting t-to class. Bye C-Connor." He avoided eye contact as he made his way back to Jared.

"So how'd it go?" Jared asked. "You two lovers yet?"

"N-no!" Evan exclaimed, a little too loudly. People looked over. His face burned with embarrassment. "W-we're not like that. I'm not his soulmate and even if I was, we wouldn't be in l-love right away. That takes time."

"Fair point." Jared walked down the hallway. "See you at lunch, Acorn!"

Evan frowned at the nickname. He stared at his cast, a small smile forming on his lips. Friend. Connor Murphy was his friend. He liked the sound of that.

Chapter Text

Evan maneuvered his way through the crowd of students, protecting his lunch from anyone that accidentally bumped him.

He managed to duck into the bathroom before anyone saw him. His feet shuffled across the floor, creating squeaking sounds.

It wasn't that he had nowhere to sit, it's just that he didn't want to deal with Jared. He's been going on and on about the soulmate thing and it was getting annoying.

He was about walk into a stall when someone cleared their throat. Evan spun around and came face to face with Connor.

"H-hi," he stuttered. "W-what are you doing here?"

"Could ask you the same question," Connor replied. "I was actually heading to lunch but your here and apparently we're friends, so I'm waiting for you."

"W-waiting for me?" Evan tilted his head. "Why?"

"Don't friends sit with each other or some shit?" Connor shoved his hands into his pockets. "Just come on." He started walking out of the bathroom, glancing back only once to see if Evan was following.

People gave them stares when they walked by. Evan felt his heart race. He hated the attention, he hated the whispers, although there were no whispers it still felt like people were doing it. He wanted to hurry up and get to a table so he can disappear.

He caught sight of Jared, who gave him a wink and thumbs up. Evan blushed furiously.

Connor lead him to an empty table in a corner of the cafeteria.

They sat down, not looking at each other. Evan slowly opened his bag, pulling out a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a thing of applesauce, a water bottle, and a bag of Cheetos.

Evan unwrapped the sandwich. He glanced over at Connor, who was on his phone playing a game.

"A-aren't you going to eat?" he asked.

Connor looked up at him. "Not hungry."

Evan frowned. He looked at his lunch. His eyes landed on the Cheetos. He loved Cheetos. But they were messy and Connor would probably judge how he eats and how messy his fingers would get.

He slid the bag over to Connor. "H-here. You n-need to eat too."

Connor looked at Evan, then to the bag. He rolled his eyes and took it, opening it up. He muttered a small "Thanks" before sticking a Cheeto in his mouth.

Evan smiled slightly and looked down. His eyebrows furrowed. Where's his spoon? He looked in his bag but found nothing.

He looked over at Connor, contemplating if he should ask him to get him a spoon, but he would probably tell him to get it himself.

 Evan took a deep breath and stood up. He carefully got out of his seat without tripping. As he walked, he couldn't help but feel like everyone was staring at him. He looked around and confirmed that no one was staring.

He noticed how fast he was walking. Stop walking so fast, it's just a spoon, you're not being chased.

He must've looked so weird. The loner who was speed walking over to the utensils like his life depended on it.

He almost reached the spoons when–

"Hey Acorn!"

Evan shut his eyes before turning to face Jared.

"Why are you sitting with Hot Topic?" he asked. "I mean, he's your soulmate I get that. But I thought you would still sit with your best family friend."

"W-well he kinda d-dragged me over there," Evan explained. "So I uh couldn't sit with you today. A-and besides, you and Connor don't exactly get a-along and I don't want a fight to start."

Jared rolled his eyes. "Yeah yeah." He put his hands in his pockets. "Go back to your boyfriend."

 "H-he's not my–"

"Whatever." Jared lightly pushed Evan. "He looks lonely so you better hurry up." He patted Evan on the back before walking to his table.

Evan made his way back to the table. He sat down and began to eat his sandwich. Slowly and in small bites because if he ate too fast or too much Connor would think he's a slob and wouldn't want to hang out due to his eating habits.

"Alright this is boring." Evan looked up at Connor, who had turned off his phone. "Aren't we suppose to be talking or something?"

Great, now he thinks you're boring. Which you are because you never talk to people and can't socialize properly.

"W-what do you want to talk about?" Evan asked, picking at the crust of his sandwich, getting crumbs everywhere.

Connor shrugged. "Hell if I know, I'm new to this just like you."

Evan looked at the ground, trying to think of something, anything to see. "So uh," he started, "w-what's your favorite color?"

Connor snorted. "Really?" He looked over at Evan. "That's the best you could come up with?"

"W-well I don't know." Evan fiddled with the bottom of his shirt.

"What do you think my favorite color is?" Connor asked. He put his elbows on the table, putting his chin in his hands.

"B-black?" Evan guessed. It would makes sense considering the black hoodie and nail polish.

"Dark purple," Connor corrected, "but good guess."

"But I thought-"

"I know, but what do you think people would say if I wore purple instead?" Connor coughed. "Let me guess. Is yours blue?"

Evan nodded. He read the time on his phone and put his food in his paper bag. He stood up and walked to a nearby trashcan.

As he and Connor walked out of the cafeteria, he only had one thought in his mind. Most awkward lunch ever.

"Hi Evan," Heidi said, startling Evan when he walked into his house.

"Oh M-Mom," Evan said. "What are you doing home? Don't you have work?"

"My shift doesn't start until six," she replied. "How was school? Did you make any friends?"

Evan looked at his cast. "Y-yeah," he stammered out. "H-his name is Connor." He didn't mention that he could possibly be his soulmate. Even thought happened to both have broken timers or that his stopped counting, he didn't want to say anything until he was sure.

"I see he signed your cast," Heidi pointed out. "What's he like?"

"Well w-we're not really close and we only talked twice." Three times if you count the hallway incident. "A-and even then we didn't say much."

"Well maybe he could come over for dinner this weekend so you can get to know each other," Heidi suggested.

"I-I don't think that's a good idea," he quickly said. "We, we just met and I don't want him to think I'm clingy and if he thinks I'm clingy then he won't want to be my friend and if he's not my friend then there's even less of a chance that he's my soulmate."

Evan threw his hand over his mouth. Did he just? Shit.

Heidi stared at her son, trying to figure out what he said. "Oh," she whispered. Sadness danced in her eyes before disappearing into happiness. "Oh Evan that's wonderful! That's an even better reason to invite him."

"No Mom he's-"

"It's settled," Heidi declared. "I'll go shopping for spaghetti." She walked up to Evan, gently grabbing his arms. "I'm so proud of you." She smiled before walking into the kitchen.

How was he suppose to explain this to Connor?

Chapter Text

Unknown number: hey it's Connor

Evan held the phone in his hand. The text had been sent six hours ago. Oh geez what if Connor thought he was ignoring him? What if he made him think they weren't friends.

ForestExpert: oh hi! It's Evan.

ForestExpert: oh wait you already know that.

ForestExpert: this is awkward I'm sorry.

Evan quickly put Connor's number into his contacts, changing the contact name to ConArtist. He enjoyed giving what few friends he had nicknames.

He put his phone down after looking at the time. He had his school things together and was waiting for Jared to pick him up.

If Jared didn't get here in the next five minutes, they would most likely be late. And if he was late, he would get in trouble and then his Mom would get a phone call. Then she would be disappointed in him because he's never late.

Evan put his backpack over his good shoulder and made his way downstairs.

There was a loud honk outside. Evan rolled his eyes and quickly got his shoes on. He made sure to lock the front door before almost running to Jared's car.

"Try to not d-drive so recklessly," Evan said. "I want to live."

Jared rolled his eyes. "It's either that or we're late," he replied. "However, being late once in a while isn't bad."

"B-but I've never been late." Evan buckled his seatbelt as Jared rolled out of the driveway. "And it's not a good thing to start because it could get on your school record and that could limit your chances on colleges and that-"

"Dude chill out," Jared said. "Being late one day isn't going to do anything."

That still didn't calm his nerves. He gripped the door handle as Jared made a sharp turn. His head almost hit the window.

Evan kept telling Jared to slow down so they didn't die. Jared just rolled his eyes, insisting that wouldn't happen.

They got at the school with five minutes to get to class. Evan basically ran into the building, ignoring the looks the students gave him. He got to his locker and quickly opened it. It took him three tries to open it because he kept missing the second number.

He shoved his backpack into the locker, only taking out what notebooks and textbooks he needed for his first three classes.

He was about to head to class when he saw a familiar black hoodie. "Connor!" he called out.

Connor snapped his head up, trying to find the source of the voice. "What Hansen?" he asked when Evan caught up to him.

"I-I was gonna ask you earlier," Evan started, "but I-I didn't have time. I uh I told my mom about you and now she wants you to come over for dinner this Saturday because she thinks we're soulmates even though I told her we weren't but you know." Connor was just staring at him. "Y-you don't have to come if you don't want to, it's just that I've never had anyone else over besides Jared and my mom is really happy and now you probably think I'm a loser who only talks to the family friend and-"

"Whoa Hansen," Connor cut in. "Fucking breathe, your face is red."

Evan clutched his books closer to himself. "S-sorry," he whispered. "S-so do you want to come over?"

Connor leaned against his locker, thinking. Evan started fidgeting with his cast, picking at it slightly. What if Connor didn't want to go? What if he thought Evan was extremely clingy? What if he was bothering him?

"You don't have-"

"Sure." Evan blinked. "Why not? It'll give me an excuse to not be in the hell hole I'm forced to call home."

Evan lit up like a Christmas tree. "Really?" he exclaimed. "Great! I mean, cool, okay. Nice. Awesome."

Connor rolled his eyes, chuckling quietly.

"I'll uh, I'll text you the address. Come over around four." Evan looked over at a clock on the wall. His eyes widened. "Oh god, I'm going to be late! I'll uh, I'll talk to you later." Evan quickly scurried off o his class, leaving Connor and what few students remained in the halls.

Lunchtime rolled around pretty fast. Evan was debating if he should sit by Connor, Jared, or eat in the bathroom.

He decided on Connor. Jared was still teasing him and making jokes about Connor and the bathroom always smelled gross.

Paper bag in hand, he pushed open the cafeteria doors. He spotted Connor over at the table they sat at yesterday.

He ignored Jared calling after him and took a seat at the table, leaving three spaces between him and Connor.

His lunch consisted of the usual; a sandwich, applesauce, Cheetos, and water. He glanced over at Connor and noticed he actually had a lunch tray. He inwardly cringed at the school's sad attempt at a sloppy joe and beans.

Evan decided now was the best time to text Connor his address.

Connor's phone buzzed, making the table vibrate. He looked at the screen and began typing.

ConArtist: thx

ForestExpert: why didn't you just say that out loud?

ConArtist: because

ConArtist: why didn't you say that out loud?

ForestExpert: because I'm awful at small talk. I stutter and my hands get sweaty then I worry about my hands getting sweaty.

ForestExpert: sorry.

ForestExpert: that was probably too much information.

Evan jumped when a hand landed on his shoulder. He heard laughter and confirmed it was Jared Kleinman.

"Hey Evan," he said. "Hot Topic."

Connor just scowled.

"What're y'all doing over here?" Jared asked, taking a seat next to Connor.

"T-talking," Evan explained.

"It sure was quiet when I walked over here." Jared snuck his hand into Evan's Cheeto bag. "Is it a secret language or something?"

"We were texting," Connor said.

"But you're sitting right next to each other," Jared questioned. "Why not just use words?"

"Evan said he's shit at talking so we resorted to phones."

 "Aw look at that," Jared teased. "Met what, two days ago? And you're already caring for each other."

"Jared. . ." Evan mumbled.

"What?" he asked. "You told me you were soulmates, so what's wrong?"

"I never said," Evan whispered. "I just, I thought that we might be. T-there's a big difference between being soulmates and possibly being soulmates."

"Yeah yeah." Jared took another Cheeto.

"Don't you have your own food?" Connor asked.

"Sure," Jared said. "But the school's food is shit. The meat probably isn't real meat."

Evan just pushed the bag over to Jared, who smiled as thanks. He unwrapped his sandwich and took a small bite.

"Well I'm still gonna eat it." Connor lifted the sloppy joe, cringing as some of it fell onto his tray. "Either that or starve."

"T-take my applesauce," Evan said.

"No thanks Hansen," Connor said. "I'm fine with this. And besides, you need to eat too."

"B-but I'm not even that hungry." Evan pushed the applesauce closer to Connor. "And I have a granola bar in my backpack if I'm hungry later." That was a lie. He was just trying to get rid of his food so he didn't make a fool of himself if he spilled anything or got crumbs everywhere.

Connor stared at the shorter boy. Evan quickly took a bite of his sandwich. Connor sighed and took the applesauce.

Chapter Text

This is not how Evan thought he would be spending his second hour.

Tears ran down his face as he desperately tried to control his breathing. His hands kept shaking and his whole body was hurting because he hasn't moved in the last ten minutes.

He sat in the corner of the bathroom, the farthest one away from the door. He tried to wipe his face but his hands were slick with sweat and tears and snot. His nose was plugged up, making it even harder to breathe.

He just wanted this to end. He didn't want to die. No, he was scared that if he tried again it would fail again and this time, everyone would find out.

He just wanted to disappear for a while.

"Hansen?" Evan froze up, trying to cry more quieter. "What the hell are you doing here? What's wrong?"

His footsteps got closer and closer until Evan felt his presence right in front of him.

He took one glance at Connor and cried harder. He couldn't tell what emotion was on his face, if any at all. But he knew it was most likely a negative one, which made him feel worse.

Connor crouched down, tilting his head to the side. "Are you able to speak?" he asked. "I, I'm not sure what to do."

Connor pulled out his phone and started typing. Evan noticed.

Why is he on his phone? Is he telling people what's happening so that when this is over everyone will laugh at him? Is he filming it to put online and show everyone how much of a loser he is?

"Ok," Connor said. "It says here to help the person steady their breathing. Breathe in for five seconds, breathe out for seven. In, out, in, out. In through the nose, out through the mouth."

Evan tried to sync his breathing with Connor's. He was hiccuping at this point, making the breathing more difficult than needed.

He eventually calmed down to where he wasn't crying. His hands were still shaking terribly. He put them on his legs but that didn't stop them, so he ended up putting his feet on top of them.

"W-why were you in here?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. He didn't look at Connor, who was standing again.

"I decided to cut fifth hour and heard something in here," Connor explained. "Why were you in here?"

Evan swallowed. What if he thinks it's stupid? He's probably going to call him a freak if he says anything.

Evan shook his head, pulling his legs to his chest and burying his face into his arms. "I-it's stupid," he mumbled.

"It's obviously not stupid if you're crying." Connor sighed, shoving his hands into his pockets.

Evan took a deep breath. "In fifth hour," he started, "we were a-assigned a group f-for a presentation. I-I tried to get out of it b-but the this being the first project of the year, I-I wasn't able to." He closed his eyes. "S-so I started freaking out and excused myself and went here. T-then my Mom texted me saying that she was working late tonight and I just–that makes me feel like such a-a burden and t-that it's my fault for making her overwork and I just-"

A sob escaped his lips. He bit the inside of his cheek to keep tears from escaping.

"Sh-she says I'm not," he continued, "b-but I know how e-expensive food and bills and my medication are and I-I can't help but think that way."

Connor stood there, not knowing what to say.

Evan wiped his face, then wiped his hands on his jeans. "I'm, I'm sorry," he whispered. "I d-didn't mean to make you sit and li-listen to that. You probably don't care and you're probably not going to want to be my friend and that's fine because I'm used to it, I'm used to being alone."

Connor leaned down and grabbed Evan's good wrist, startling the poor boy. He pulled him up. "Look," he said. "I know we don't know each other well and I'm not the nicest person ever, hell our first meeting was me shoving you, but no one deserves to be alone."

Hypocrite, Connor thought. I deserve to be alone.

"Let's get out of this shitty bathroom," Connor said. "I'll buy you a water from a vending machine if we pass one."

Connor and Evan ended up ditching the rest of class. They somehow weren't caught by teachers or staff.

They sat between lockers, trying to make themselves as small as possible.

In the fifteen minutes they had before class was over, they learned a lot about each other.

Connor's favorite band was State Champs and favorite song by them was Critical. He says he relates to the lyrics.

Evan loves musicals and is a sucker for happy endings. He says that he doesn't like tear-jerkers sense he does enough crying on a weekly basis.

Evan found himself slowly becoming more comfortable around Connor. He stopped messing with his shirt unless he says something embarrassing.

"S-so what do you think?" Evan asked. "Is the glass half full or half empty?"

"Half empty," Connor answered. "Why?"

Evan shrugged. "I-I read somewhere that if you think it's half empty, you focus on more negative things."

"Well that explains it," Connor muttered.

The two fell into silence. Did what Evan said offend Connor? Should he apologize?

"So-"

The bell rang, signaling the end of class. Kids began to flood the halls.

Connor stood up and stretched. "I was thinking of ditching the rest of the day," he suggested. "You up to it?"

Evan thought about it. He could go and learn more about Connor, but he could get in trouble. Or he could stay, not get in trouble but disappoint Connor.

He shook his head. "I-I'd rather not," he said. "S-sorry, I just don't want to get in trouble."

Connor nodded. "Suit yourself." He walked over to his locker, getting his backpack. "See you later Hansen."

Chapter Text

Saturday arrived faster than Evan expected, and he was freaking out.

He anxiously paced back and forth in his room. His hair stood up from him running his hands through it numerous times.

He kept telling himself that it was just a dinner. With your Mom and friend. A friend who is possibly your soulmate.

The door bell rang.

Evan quickly fixed his hair and ran down the steps. "I'll get it!" he yelled to Heidi, who was exiting the kitchen.

Evan slowed as he neared the door. He took a deep breath to settle his thoughts.

"Hi!" he said excitedly as he opened the door. He cleared his throat. "Hey."

Connor stood in the doorway, in his usual black hoodie. Evan moved to the side to let him in.

Heidi peered her head through the kitchen door. "Oh!" she exclaimed. "You must be Connor. Dinner will be ready in a few short minutes. Evan, come help me set the table?"

Evan nodded. He glanced over at Connor. "You can leave your shoes over there."

Evan proceeded to follow Heidi into the kitchen. She handed him plates and cups.

"So," Heidi said. "He seems nice."

"H-he can be," Evan said.

Heidi perked her head up. "What does that mean? He's not bullying you is he? Is he pressuring you to do things?"

"N-no Mom," Evan said quickly. "Nothing like that. I-it's just he can be sort of mean to people."

Heidi nodded, carrying the bowl of spaghetti to the table. "Alright, well why don't you bring him in before it gets cold."

Evan walked out, spotting Connor looking at the pictures on the wall. He was looking at the picture of Evan and his Mom on his tenth birthday.

Evan cleared his throat, making Connor jump and pull away from the pictures. "Dinner's ready."

"Hope you like spaghetti," Heidi said as they took a seat.

"As long as it's not vegan I'm fine with anything," Connor said. "My Mom tries new things constantly. This time it's gluten free vegan food."

"Well, dig in."

Evan scooped some spaghetti onto his plate. He decided against putting sauce on the food. He would most likely spill it either on him or Connor and then Connor would get mad and Evan would panic and-

"So how'd you two meet?" Heidi asked, pouring sauce onto her plate.

Evan looked at Connor. Should they say the truth?

"School," Connor replied. Heidi stared at him, slightly nodding for him to explain. "We officially met in the computer lab. I uh came to apologize after accidentally pushing-"

"He pushed you?!" Heidi exclaimed, staring at Evan with a shocked expression.

"I-it was more of we bumped into each other and I fell," Evan quickly covered. "H-he didn't mean it and I'm n-not hurt."

Silence fell over the dinner table. The only sound was the silverware against the plates.

"Where's your bathroom?" Connor asked.

"Up the s-stairs," Evan explained, "first door on the right."

He nodded and stood up, pushing his chair in before leaving.

"Please don't mention the soulmate thing," Evan blurted out. "He believes that he doesn't have one and bringing it up will upset him."

"Why would he think he doesn't have one?" Heidi asked.

"I don't think I should say," Evan mumbled, subconsciously covering his timer.

Heidi nodded as she twirled spaghetti onto her fork. "Well," she said, "just know that if you are soulmates, I'm one hundred percent supportive."

Evan gave a small smile.

Evan could faintly hear Connor speaking in the next room.

"Dad look-no, I don't care. Fucking. . . No he's not a drug dealer. Not everyone I speak to is selling me pot. Oh my god, you and Mom complain about me not having friends and when I actually have one, you complain that they're just to feed my addiction. Believe it or not, I'm more than anger issues and drugs, Larry!"

There was silence. Then a loud crash.

Evan bolted out of the kitchen. He saw Connor holding his fist to his chest, gritting his teeth in pain.

"Oh my god!" Evan yelled. "A-are you ok? Yo-you didn't break anything did you? My Mom's a nurse, sh-she can help."

"I'm fine, Hansen," Connor groaned. "I didn't break anything. It'll bruise and hurt but it's alright."

"A-are you sure?" Evan asked. "Y-you should at least put ice on it."

Connor didn't protest as Evan lead him back to the kitchen.

Heidi stood up at the sight of Connor's red hand. She ran over to the freezer, taking out an ice pack that was way in the back.

"What happened?" she asked, walking over to Connor and placing the ice pack on his hand.

"H-he punched the wall," Evan said.

"My Dad was an ass," Connor said. "I got mad. I uh, might've dented the wall a bit."

"Oh honey it's fine," Heidi said. "It's just a wall, we can cover it up. Just as long as you're ok."

The three were about to sit down again when Connor's phone rang again.

He groaned, pulling it out and checking the caller ID. "What Zoe?" he angrily asked. "I'm in the middle of–Zoe, Zoe listen!"

Evan jumped at the intensity of his voice. Connor glanced over at him, noting the fear on his face. He walked out of the kitchen again.

He was talking quieter, so Evan and Heidi couldn't hear him. Evan was glad for this because he felt like he was intruding on Connor's personal life.

Evan and Heidi sat down, the obvious awkward tension so thick you could hack it with an axe.

"I'm sorry," Evan whispered.

"What for?" Heidi asked.

"Y-you had this great dinner planned and, and then this happened. . ."

"Evan, this is in no way your fault," Heidi said softly. "No one is to blame for this, not you, not Connor."

"I know," Evan mumbled.

"-well fuck you!" Connor yelled.

Both Evan and Heidi jumped at the sudden shouting.

Connor walked back into the kitchen, fists balled up and fuming. He earned a surprised look from Heidi and wide eyes from Evan.

He sighed, his non-injured hand running over his face. "I have to go," he stated. "My Dad is pissed and he made my sister call me." He paused, looking at the floor. "Thanks, I guess."

Evan stood up to follow him as Connor left for the third time that night. "A-are you alright?" he asked, worry etched into his face. "Does your hand hurt, do you need any ibuprofen? Why was your Dad upset? Is everything-"

"Why do you need to know, Hansen?" Connor snapped, turning to face the shorter boy. Evan flinched. "It's none of your business, stop cutting into my personal life. You don't see me asking about your father, do you?"

Evan stiffened and when tears pricked the corners of his eyes, Connor realized he had gone too far. But he didn't bother apologizing.

Evan quickly wiped his eyes. "I-I'm sorry," he muttered. "But I'm worried, I care about you."

Connor faced away, bending down to put his shoes on. "We barely know each other." He stood up. "You just pity me, you don't really care. . . Nobody does."

He had whispered that last part, so Evan barely heard it. But he still heard it, and it shocked him.

He was about to call after Connor but he was already out the door, slamming it behind him, leaving the shocked and hurt boy alone with his thoughts.

Chapter Text

ForestExpert: I'm sorry Connor.

ForestExpert: I didn't mean to upset you.

ForestExpert: you were right, I should've minded my own business.

ForestExpert: please answer.

ForestExpert: or not, you can ignore me if you want.

It's been two days and Connor hasn't responded to any of his texts.

Evan's guilt and anxiety has been piling up, ready to burst at any moment.

What if Connor was ignoring because of what he said? Was he ignoring him because he didn't want to be friends anymore?

Evan was knocked out of his thoughts when his mom knocked on the door.

"Evan?" Heidi called, opening the door and stepping into his room. "If you don't get going now, you'll be late. Do you need a ride?" She looked at Evan, who was sitting on his bed, hunched over with his face in his hands. "What's wrong? Are you sick, do you need a mental health day?"

"No," Evan said quietly. "I'm just worried about Connor. He hasn't responded to any of my texts, he probably hasn't even read them."

"Why wouldn't he be talking to you?" Heidi asked, sitting next to Evan.

"I-I don't know," he lied. "His father sounded pretty mad from how loud Connor was yelling on Saturday. Maybe he took his phone?" He shook his head. "Maybe I'm just clingy and he's ignoring me."

"I'm sure he's not ignoring you." Heidi put a hand on Evan's knee. "He probably is just overwhelmed from the phone calls. I'm sure he's fine. Now come on, you don't want to be late for school."

As Evan walked through the halls to his first hour, he realized he hasn't spotted Connor at all. Normally he's hanging out between the lockers while most students rushed to class. Is he sick? Did he skip? Is he purposefully avoiding the paths Evan usually takes?

Stop it. This is why he's not answering his phone. You aren't friends, he said so himself. You probably bothered him with those texts and now he's even more mad at you.

Evan sighed, glancing over at Connor's locker one more time before heading to class.

Fifth hour rolled around quicker than he expected. He was doodling in his notebook when Alana, one of the people in his group, appeared in front of him.

"Are you prepared for the presentations?" she asked, taking her seat across from him. The desks in the classroom were aligned so there were four desks in each group.

Evan paled, his blood running cold. He had completely forgotten about the presentations. He felt himself start to shake as he said, "O-of course, wh-why wouldn't I-I be?"

Alana stared at him, a frown forming on her face. "Are you alright?" she asked, leaning forward to feel his forehead. "You don't feel warm, but you look pale. Maybe you should go to the nurse."

Evan nodded weakly and stood up. He made eye contact with his teacher. She nodded and he bolted out of the classroom. During the open house for the new year, Heidi told all of his teachers about his anxiety. Most of them were understanding and let him leave class if he needed to. He was glad for this, although he didn't like how openly she told them.

As Evan walked through the halls, his vision blurred. He attempted to wipe the tears away, but his face was dry.

God, he thought. He hates this more than crying. He wished he was crying.

Nothing looked real, nothing felt real. Like he was in a dream. He leaned against a wall, closing his eyes in hopes that it would help.

He opened his eyes. His vision was even more cloudy. He touched his cast. Usually that would help ground him, but when his fingers touched it, he could barely feel it. He half expected his hand to go through it, as if it wasn't real.

He must have looked like an idiot, just standing in an empty hallway, touching the walls and his clothes like his life depended on it.

"Hansen?"

A voice. Someone was there. Evan looked around frantically, trying to find whoever called him. A blurry figure approached him. Who was it?

Evan squinted. Like that would help.

The figure came closer and Evan recognized the long hair.

"C-Connor?" he asked, stepping foreword.

"What the hell?" Connor asked. "You look like shit."

"I-I know. . ." His vision was slowly becoming clearer. He needed to keep talking to Connor. "W-what are you d-doing out here?"

"I was at. . ." Connor's eyes darted around, landing on the floor. "A doctor's appointment. You never answered my question. What the hell?"

"I-I had a-a panic attack," Evan explained.

"Jesus," Connor muttered. "Again?"

Evan ignored his remark. "A-Alana r-reminded me abo-about a presentation w-we had to do. And, and I completely, I wasn't prepared. I forgot. A-and I felt myself shaking so I left."

"Alright," Connor said. "Come on." He grabbed Evan's good arm, pulling him along as they walked down the hallway, passing many lockers.

Evan just saw blurs that wouldn't take shape. He tried focusing on his shoes and the floor, but the colors melted together.

Evan's fingers tightened around Connor's sleeve, trying to force feeling into his hand. His other hand brushed against the walls.

He didn't question what they were doing, although he was confused as to why Connor had his backpack. When did they stop at Connor's locker?

"What's your locker combination?" Connor asked when they approached Evan's locker.

"15-31-08," Evan dumbly answered. Connor successfully opened the locker on the second try. He shoved Evan's backpack into his arms.

"W-wait," Evan exclaimed, forcing his arm back. "I-I dropped my stuff i-in the hallway."

Connor sighed as Evan scrambled over to the hallway.

Evan was glad his vision was almost back to normal, otherwise he wouldn't know which hallway was which and he would've gotten lost.

He found his stuff scattered on the ground, notebooks and textbooks open and pages torn. He shoved them into his backpack and ran back over to Connor.

Connor once again grabbed Evan by the arm, walking again, almost at a jogging pace.

He didn't ask questions, just let Connor lead him wherever.

He was confused as to why they were leaving the school. "Wh-where are we g-going?"

"You're obviously in no condition to be at school," Connor explained. "And I sure as hell don't want to be in a ten foot radius of this damn building."

"W-we're ditching?" Evan asked, his voice cracking. Connor just nodded.

Connor lead Evan over to a black SUV. Unlocking it, Connor opened the door and took his and Evan's backpack and threw them in the back.

Connor climbed into the driver's side. He looked at Evan, who was standing there, fiddling with his shirt.

"Get in," Connor said, voice laced with annoyance.

Evan quickly walked to the other side and got in.

Connor started the car, pulling out of the parking lot.

"W-where are we going," Evan asked.

"You like trees right?"

Chapter Text

"So what the hell happened back there?"

Evan looked over at Connor. "W-what do you mean?"

"You had a panic attack, I know," Connor continued, "but what the hell was that? You were so out of it, you had this dazed look, you were constantly touching a wall, you were grabbing onto my fucking arm like you were dying." Connor paused. "Are. . . are you high or some shit?"

Evan's eyes widened. "N-no! I-I don't do drugs, and, and even if I did, I w-wouldn't go to school high."

Connor's jaw clenched and he gripped the wheel tight, his knuckles turning white.

"Did. . ." Evan looked at his hands, which were in his lap, messing with a string on his jeans. "I'm sorry. Did I say something?"

Connor shook his head. "It's just. . . It's nothing."

The two fell into silence. The only sound was the air conditioning and State Champs playing on the radio.

Evan looked out the window, head resting on the cool glass. "Dissociation," he whispered.

"Speak up Hansen," Connor replied.

"Dissociation," Evan repeated. "That's what happened."

"Oh."

"I-it's where yo-you-"

"I know what it is Hansen," Connor interrupted. "Were you, were you diagnosed with it?"

Evan shook his head. "I-I don't have it as a disorder. I-it's a symptom o-of anxiety. D-during panic attacks, I sort of disconnect from reality-derealisation-but it doesn't h-happen of-often. U-usually I c-cry during th-them."

Connor didn't reply, just focused on the road.

"S-sorry," Evan said. Connor glanced at him. "Y-you probably do-don't care about th-that."

"You sure do apologize a lot," Connor said.

"S-sorry."

Connor rolled his eyes and turned the music up a bit, drumming his fingers against the steering wheel to the beat.

"You, you didn't exactly t-tell me where we're g-going."

"You'll find out."

Evan pouted and resumed his attention to the outside. Specifically the trees. He felt his eyelids droop and soon he was asleep.

"Hansen wake up," Connor yelled. "We're here."

Evan cracked open his eyes. Connor was staring at him.

Evan looked out the window, eyes widening slightly.

He followed Connor out of the car.

"This is the orchard my parents used to take me and my sister," Connor said. "It's closed down now."

"Wait," Evan said. "I-isn't this t-trespassing?"

Connor smirked. "It's only trespassing if you get caught."

Evan watched as Connor climbed over the fence. He walked over to the gate and took out a paper clip. He concentrated on picking the lock, his tongue sticking out slightly.

The lock popped and Connor pushed open the gate.

"W-what if someone s-sees us?" Evan asked, slowly walking through.

Connor rolled his eyes. "Relax Hansen," he said. "No one ever comes by. And even if someone does, we'll probably be out of sight."

"B-but what if th-they get th-the license p-plate number and give it t-to the p-police and, and then t-the police will c-call our parents and-"

"Jesus Hansen," Connor interrupted, "do you ever stop worrying?"

"S-sorry."

Connor sighed and started walking. Evan scurried after him.

The two walked in silence. It wasn't a comfortable silence, but it wasn't awkward either. Somewhere in between.

Connor made a quick left, making his way towards a tree.

Evan blinked, looking over at Connor before jogging to keep up with him.

Connor leaned again the tree, fishing around in his pockets looking for something.

Evan stared at the packet of cigarettes in Connor's hand, then up at Connor, who was staring back.

"What?" Connor asked. Evan looked back at the cigarettes. Connor rolled his eyes once again. "It's a regular cigarette. I'm driving you home in a few hours, I'm not stupid enough to get high."

Evan looked at his shoes, shoving his good hand in his pocket.

He glanced over to his right, spotting a tree with bright red scattered on it. Evan made his way over to the tree. As he got closer, he recognized it as a Dogwood tree.

There were no blossoms on it, as it was early fall. So, the only thing the tree had were berries.

Evan's stomach rumbled quietly. He didn't eat much during lunch, but at least he had eaten.

Evan jumped up, trying to latch onto one of the small branches so he could grab some berries.

Realizing jumped wasn't going to work, he looked around for a large rock, one big enough so he could stand on it.

He couldn't find a rock, but he spotted a log nearby. Careful as to not injure his arm more than it was, he dragged the log over to the tree.

He stood on the log, latching onto the tree so he wouldn't fall. He put his injured arm on a branch and used his other one to grab some berries.

He slipped and quickly grabbed onto the branch tightly with both arms.

Wait. . . Dogwood trees leave rashes if your skin touches the bark.

Evan let go instantly, falling to the ground. He landed on his back.

"What is with you and falling out of trees?" Connor asked, suddenly appearing next to Evan.

Evan sat up. The sudden movement of the branch made a few bundles of berries fall.

He picked up the berries, putting a few in his mouth.

"You shouldn't put random berries in your mouth," Connor said. He dropped his cigarette onto the ground, crushing it with his foot.

"Th-they're not poisonous," Evan replied. "I-I'm sort of a tree expert s-so I know these thing."

He stood up. He grabbed Connor's hand. Connor instantly yanked his hand back.

"What the hell Hansen?" he exclaimed.

Evan grabbed his wrist again, placing three berries into his palm. "Try them," he said.

Connor stared at the berries. He picked one up and placed it on his tongue. He chewed and almost instantly spit it out.

"That's so bitter," Connor proclaimed. "How do you eat that?"

Evan shrugged. "You g-get used to it."

"How many times have you eaten that to the point where you're 'used to it'?"

"Probably about ten t-times."

Connor shook his head. He lit another cigarette.

Evan stared at it. "Why do you sm-smoke? D-don't you already d-do drugs?"

Connor's eyes slid over to Evan's.

"I-I'm sorry, I sho-shouldn't have asked that," Evan quickly said. "Y-you don't have to t-tell me, it's prob-probably really personal and I don't want you mad at me especially after what happened last Saturday."

Connor closed his eyes, sighing. Smoke escaped through his lips.

"I wasn't mad at you, Hansen."

Evan snapped his head over to Connor. "W-what?"

"I was mad at my asshole of a father." Connor took a small drag from the cigarette. "He honestly doesn't deserve to be called 'Dad'. He thinks I can't be friends with people besides drug dealers, when in reality, I barely speak to them."

"I-I still shouldn't h-have pushed," Evan whispered. "And, and it's not true. What you said. Th-that people do-don't care ab-about you."

Connor scoffed. "Name one person."

"Z-Zoe."

"No she doesn't. I've yelled at her and threatened her so many times while high that she most likely hates me. And she has every right to."

Evan frowned. "Your parents?"

Connor made a noise that sounded like a laugh. "Yeah, sure. If saying that my past suicide attempts and doing drugs are for attention then yes, they do care. My parents didn't even do anything when I threw that printer in second grade!"

Evan flinched at the sudden increase of volume.

"If my parents did care," Connor continued, "if they loved me, they would've gotten me help. But no! They don't do anything because having people know that their depressed and anger-ridden son is in therapy, it'll ruin the 'perfect family' image they have going on."

Connor took a longer drag before sitting down.

"Connor. . ." Evan sat next to the taller boy.

"I just. . . It's fine, Hansen. I don't need your pity."

They fell into another silence. It wasn't as awkward as before.

Birds sang above them. The clouds covered the sun.

Evan looked at his hands. He leaned against the tree, stifling a yawn.

He didn't want to fall asleep. He couldn't. Connor would think he's rude and annoying.

So he stared at the dirt, watching an inch worm crawl on a sliver of grass.

He didn't even realize he fell asleep until Connor shook him.

"Hansen wake up," he said. "It's four."

Evan opened his eyes, rubbing and blinking the sleep awake.

He caught sight of his arm and fingers. It was covered in bumps and extremely red.

He groaned and surprised the urge to scratch at the rash.

He stood up and followed Connor, who had already started walking toward the gate.

When they got back to the car, Evan reached in the back for his backpack. He fished around for his phone.

He had four missed calls and twenty texts from his mom.

His heart started pounding. "H-how fast can you get me home?"

"Well, if I go over the speed limit, probably thirty minutes."

Evan nodded and put his phone away. He held onto the door handle as Connor sped out of the parking lot.

Evan nearly screamed as Connor ran a stop sign, barely missing the car that was zooming passed them.

It took them twenty minutes until they got to his neighborhood. Evan was panting, his palms sweating and his heart still thumping.

Jared's a worse driver, just remember that.

His face paled when they pulled into his driveway.

Heidi Hansen stood on the porch, arms crossed and pissed off.

Chapter Text

Evan and Heidi locked eyes.

Evan felt himself shaking when Heidi walked down the porch steps.

He looked over at Connor, who was staring at Evan.

"W-what do I do?!" Evan asked. "What do I tell her? I've never skipped school before, she's pissed!"

"Evan, calm down," Connor hushed. "Breathe, tell the truth. She'll understand."

Heidi knocked on the window. "Get out of the car, Evan," Heidi demanded.

Evan gulped, turning his right arm so the rash couldn't be seen. He stepped out.

"Care to explain why I got a call from the school saying you weren't in your last two classes?"

Evan opened his mouth, trying to find words. His throat closed up. He looked over at Connor, who had gotten out of the car and was standing next to Evan.

"He had a panic attack," Connor explained. "It was really bad. I've seen him have panic attacks before and this one was just awful, he was so out of it. Said he was dissociating. So I decided to take him out of school since he was clearly not alright."

"S-so we we-went to his h-house," Evan continued. "I-I was go-gonna tell you b-but I left my ph-phone in my backpack w-which was in his car."

Heidi's face softened. "Evan, I thought you said you didn't need a mental health day."

"I-I thought I d-didn't. B-but I forgot a-about a p-presentation in f-fifth hour. I-I panicked and went into th-the hall and that's w-when Con-Connor found me."

Heidi turned to Connor. "Thank you for taking care of him," she said. "But what were you doing out of–never mind, I'm not your mom, it's none of my business. You better get going, I'm sure your parents are worried."

Connor resisted the urge to roll his eyes and nodded. "See you Evan."

As Connor rolled out of the driveway, Evan scurried inside before Heidi could ask anymore questions.

"So you were at Connor's?" Heidi asked, shutting the door behind her.

"Y-yeah," Evan agreed.

"Then how'd you get that rash?"

Evan froze. "W-what rash?"

"The one on your neck," Heidi said. "It's on your arm too."

"W-well we were o-outside," Evan explained, "a-and I touched a Dogwood tree that was in their y-yard."

Heidi frowned. "Evan," she said. God Evan hates that tone. "If you just touched a Dogwood tree, it wouldn't be all over your arm. Where were you?"

Evan didn't answer.

"And, this is funny, I pass by their house when I go to work," Heidi continued. "How come I didn't see a single Dogwood tree in their yard? Or a car for that matter when I got home?"

"H-how do you k-know it's their house?" Evan asked.

"I see Connor and Zoe was it? I see them getting into a car every morning for school." Heidi stepped in front of her son. "Be honest Evan. Where were you?"

Evan started shaking again. He sat down at the table, putting his head in his arms, his shoulder shaking from sobs.

Heidi sat next to him. "I'm not mad honey," she soothed, "I just need to know."

Once Evan had calmed down enough–that had taken ten minutes–he lifted his head. His face was stained and wet with tears, his eyes puffy, and his nose was runny.

"W-we went t-to this o-orchard," Evan said. "I-I fell asleep under a-a Dogwood tree, s-so I w-wasn't lying about th-that."

Heidi rubbed her hand up and down Evan's back.

"S-so you're n-not mad?"

Heidi sighed. "I'm not mad about the school thing. But I am mad that you lied to me and that you trespassed."

Evan put his head back down.

"One week."

Evan lifted his head up. "What?"

"You're grounded for one week," Heidi repeated.

Evan's heart sank as he nodded. He deserved it.

"So no one can come over, unless it's strictly for school." Heidi stood up and kissed the top of Evan's head. "I have to go back for my next shift, alright? There's ramen noodles if you're hungry."

ConArtist: can you come over on Saturday? My parents are gonna be gone and Zoe and I have been fighting and I don't feel like being alone with her

ForestExpert: can't

ForestExpert: I'm grounded for a week. My mom found out I lied about where I was.

ConArtist: ah shit

ForestExpert: it's not that long.

ForestExpert: and it's not like I do anything anyways.

Evan sighed, falling onto his bed, face landing on his pillow.

He was home alone with nothing to do. His homework was done, his room was clean, he was clean, he had eaten, and he didn't want to bother Jared or Connor.

He eyed the red folder on his desk and remembered that he has yet to write a letter.

Sighing, he reached for his backpack. He extended his arm as far as it would go but failed to grab it. He could just stand up, but he was too tired for that.

He crawled to the very edge of the bed, holding onto the mattress for dear life. His fingers grazed the backpack strap. He leaned over more. He was now using his good arm to support him on the floor and his feet were trying to keep him in place.

Evan cheered when he grabbed the backpack. That cheer was shortly lived.

There was no way he could get back on the bed without falling and standing up.

He groaned, letting his arm and legs give out. He stood up and smoothed down his shirt.

So much for being lazy.

He sat on his bed, opening his backpack and taking out his computer. Getting a new document up, he started typing.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Today has been a good day and here's why. You hung out with your new friend. You got to learn more about him. Although you got a rash in the process.

Your mom wasn't happy and now you're grounded for a week which is fine because you never leave the house. But maybe now you have a friend, that will change.

Sincerely your best and dearest friend, Me.

Chapter Text

The first thing Evan did when he woke up the next day was sneeze. Three times. This lead to coughing, which quickly halted because his throat was burning and itchy.

He groaned, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. He kept asking himself how he got sick.

It's because you didn't wear a jacket yesterday when it was forty three degrees out.

Evan bit his lip, struggling to get his shirt over his head.

But you don't get sick from being cold, you get sick from the bacteria.

He let out an extremely loud cough, causing him to wince and put his hands to his throat.

There was a soft knock at the door. "Evan?"

"C-come in," Evan coughed. God his voice sounded awful.

He gave up on the shirt and threw it to the floor just as Heidi walked in. Luckily he was wearing sweatpants so he wasn't totally embarrassed.

"Are you alright?" Heidi asked.

As if on cue, Evan sneezed and wiped his nose.

Heidi came closer, putting the back of her hand on his forehead. "You do feel warm. Come with me to the bathroom so I can check your throat."

Evan wobbled out of his room, holding onto the wall. Almost all of his muscles were sore.

Heidi made him sit down on the toilet while she looked around for a thermometer. When she did, she set it on the counter and told Evan to open his mouth.

She held a mini flashlight in front of his mouth. "Yeah, definitely a sore throat," she said.

Evan wanted to roll his eyes. No kidding.

She put the thermometer in his mouth. "Do you hurt anywhere?"

Evan nodded.

"Can you point?"

Evan touched his legs, back, and head.

Heidi nodded, taking the thermometer out. "100.2," she said. "You're staying home. It looks like you have the flu. Do you want me to stay with you?"

"N-" Evan coughed. "I-it's fine." His voice was barely above a whisper. "I-I'll be fine. I kn-know where the medicine is."

Heidi stared at him. "Alright." She out the thermometer away. "Text me if anything gets worse, or if you throw up. There's hot chocolate in the cupboards, make sure to get lots of rest. Do you want me to set you up on the couch so you can watch TV?"

Evan opened his mouth to answer but even that hurt. So he just nodded.

The two left the bathroom, Evan heading downstairs to the living room and Heidi heading to a cabinet in the hallway that holds the softest blankets and pillows they have.

Evan curled up on the couch. He pulled out his phone which was painfully jabbing him in the hip and set it on the floor.

Heidi returned with her arms full of blankets. She swatted at Evan's hand, which was currently scratching his rash. Evan gave a small smile as Heidi covered him with the blankets.

She made sure the blankets were tucked tightly around him before turning to walk to the kitchen.

Evan pulled an arm out from the blankets and tugged on Heidi's shirt. She turned around, only to see him typing away on his phone.

He handed her the phone and watched as she read the message. She smiled sadly and nodded, handing the phone back and walking upstairs to his room.

When she came back, she was holding a small stuffed panther. She handed it to Evan and he hugged it to his chest, snuggling back into the blankets.

He had gotten the panther from his father for his third birthday. He was instantly in love with it, always carrying it with him everywhere. It was the only thing he had left of his father and although he doesn't care about him much, he just couldn't bare to throw it away.

He keeps it in his closet, only taking it out when he was having a panic attack alone and needed a comfort object or when he was sick.

Heidi leaned down and kissed Evan's head. "Get as much rest as you can and try to drink a lot," she said. "I'll be back around nine."

Taking one last look at her son, she walked out of the living room.

Evan didn't even realize he fell asleep until he was woken by his phone vibrating.

He pulled it out from underneath him, squinting at the bright light.

Connor had texted him multiple times.

One text in particular stood out to him.

ConArtist: that's it I'm going to your house after second hour

Evan looked at the time. He had an hour before Connor got here.

His eyes closed. He would wake up before he got here. He was sure.

"Hansen!"

Evan jolted awake, almost falling off of the couch.

Evan stumbled to the door. Wincing at how loud Connor was being.

"Can you stop?" Evan asked when he opened the door. "Jesus, I already have a splitting headache so I would appreciate a little quiet."

Connor stared at Evan, taking in his appearance.

Evan noticed his cheeks were tinted pink. "Wh-" he coughed. "What?"

Connor snapped his gaze up to meet Evan's eyes. "Is this how you greet all your guests?" he questioned. "Shirtless and rude?"

Evan blushed, eyes going wide. He looked down and realized he was, in fact, lacking a shirt.

Evan stepped aside to let Connor in while he went to his room. He returned a few minutes later with an All Time Low shirt.

"Never thought you were the kind of person that listens to a band like that," Connor commented.

"W-well I'm not a-a huge fan," Evan said. "B-but I listen to a few songs." He sneezed.

"Jesus, you sound and look like shit."

Evan rolled his eyes, smiling. "Gee thanks I had no idea. I feel like shit too."

Connor smirked at the little bit of sarcasm.

Evan sat on the couch, pulling the blankets over himself and patting the open space next to him. "Not to be r-rude but what are you doing here?"

"I felt like skipping," Connor shrugged. "And my house is boring and you probably needed company."

"To be honest, I was just gonna sleep the whole day." Evan reached over and grabbed his green water bottle Heidi left him and took a small sip, wincing as he swallowed.

"Shit man, you sound like a smoker when you speak."

Evan raised an eyebrow. "Why do I suddenly remind you of a smoker?"

Connor shrugged. "The voice. After a few years of smoking, their voices can start to get all gravely."

Evan set the water bottle down and turned on the TV. "W-we don't have cable but we have Netflix. My mom says it's a lot cheaper than cable because you're not paying for a bunch of channels you never watch."

He let Connor pick something. He scrolled through the categories. He noticed Evan's continue watching list.

"Moana, really?" Connor asked.

Evan blushed. "W-what? What's wrong with Disney?"

Connor chuckled but didn't respond. He ended up choosing House.

They were halfway through an episode when Connor remembered. He duh through his backpack and pulled out two sheets of paper.

"Jared said something about how you don't like missing school because homework could pile up," Connor explained, "so I talked to Ms. Peterson and Ms. Walker and they gave me extra sheets. So there."

Evan took the paper. "Thanks." He coughed. "S-so those texts. . . You sounded kinda worried."

"I wasn't worried," Connor scoffed. "I was. . . Just wondering, that's all."

"Really?" Evan asked. "Because I remember you asking if I was ok. I think I'd say that's worrying. Maybe even caring."

"Shut up." Connor glanced at Evan, who was now staring at his lap. "I just, talking that much probably isn't helping your voice, that's all. Sorry."

Evan snapped his head up, looking at Connor with wide eyes. Connor had the same expression.

"Did you just. . ." Evan laughed, wincing. "You apologized! And you do care!"

Connor's face was red with embarrassment. "Y-you're rubbing off on me," Connor said. "You're ruining my image."

Evan rolled his eyes, a smile on his face. "Not so tough, are you? You secretly do care about people."

Connor pushed Evan with his shoulder, making Evan giggle. He gripped the side of the couch so he didn't fall off.

"I can't believe September is already almost over," Connor said, breaking the silence.

"Having friends does that," Evan said. "It makes time go faster."

Chapter Text

It was the beginning of October and Evan was beyond excited. It meant that there were only 31 days until Halloween, his favorite holiday.

He liked it because it was the only holiday where you can pretend to be someone else. And candy, he enjoys the candy too.

Besides it being the first day of October, he was also getting his cast off. He would finally be able to use his left arm again.

Evan pulled up Spotify on his phone and played his Halloween playlist.

Having the volume almost all the way up, he began digging in his closet for a shirt. He found a black long sleeved shirt with a pumpkin on it. He hummed along to the song that was currently playing–Halloween from his favorite musical soundtrack–and put the shirt on.

It was Sunday, meaning his grounding was finally over.

He grabbed his phone and walked downstairs. He paused the music.

ForestExpert: hey you wanna help me hang up Halloween decorations?

CronchCronchCronch: but thats weeks away man. Why don't you ask your boyfriend to help?

Evan blushed.

ForestExpert: he's not my boyfriend.

ForestExpert: but I will ask him.

He quickly texted Connor and resumed the music. He lay on the couch when his phone vibrated.

ConArtist: sure why not. Got nothing better to do

Connor got there in ten minutes. Evan was dragging a bin out from the garage. He waved Connor over.

Connor lifted the bin. "You shouldn't be lifting heavy things with that arm."

"I had it," Evan pouted. "And I'm getting my cast off today, so."

"So, what's in this?" Connor ask, setting the bin down in the grass. He popped off the cover and started rummaging through it.

"Mostly blow up things and wall decorations." Evan pulled out a long black inflatable. "This is either a cat or a spider." He dragged the inflatable closer to the house.

"No lights?" Connor pulled out a Halloween wreath. It was a bunch of small black and orange pumpkin bells. He set it down next to him.

"We have some but they're not like the ones you put on houses. They're more like lights inside plastic pumpkins and we have one that's a black cat and when it's plugged in the eyes glow. We used to have this robotic grim reaper that would talk and light up if you press the button on its hand but I was too scared of it so we sold it." Evan paused. "Sorry, I'm rambling. You probably don't care about my Halloween history."

"Continue," Connor said, pulling out more decorations. "It's nice to hear you talk about something other than trees."

Evan turned to face Connor. "I don't even talk about trees that much for that exact reason." He walked to the garage, searching for the battery powered air pump.

"Anyways," he continued, walking out with the large air pump. "We do have one string of lights for the tree over by the door. But I'm not sure which bin it's in."

"How many bins do you have?" Connor walked over to the door and hung up the wreath.

"Well, there's one that has a bunch of fake pumpkins for the porch, there's one that's a bunch of inflatables, there's that one we have," he trailed off, thinking. "And I think we have two for inside."

"Five bins, really?" Connor asked, now helping Evan hook up the air pump. "Jesus, you really like Halloween don't you?"

Evan shrugged. "I like all holidays." He pulled on Connor's arm. "Help me get the pumpkins."

Evan told Connor why they didn't carve pumpkins. It's messy for one. It takes forever. It's hard.

"And if you mess up, people will be able to see it and what if they tease you about it," Evan said. "'Oh look, it's tree boy, the kid who messed up one eye on his pumpkin.' 'Oh look, it's Hansen. He couldn't even carve a single nose.'" His voice was higher, in a mocking tone. He didn't even realize Connor was staring at him. "And I just. . . wouldn't be able to handle that."

He sat on the porch steps, head in his hands. "Sorry," he whispered. "I don't know why I did that."

Connor sat next to him. "Did. . . did someone say that to you?" Stupid question, he wouldn't have said all of that if someone hadn't, let alone use his last name and nickname.

"What does it matter." He threw his head back, looking at the clouds. "I was seven, they were high schoolers. Not like I could've done anything."

"Seriously?" Connor asked. "High schoolers picking on a seven year old? That's just rude."

"Oh, and like you aren't?" Evan smirked.

Connor lightly punched his shoulder. "Ok, ok. But at least I'm not a shitty person who stoops so low and bullies a second grader." He reached over and grabbed a small pumpkin out of the nearby bin. He tossed it to Evan, who was startled and barely caught it. "Let's finish setting all this shit up."

It had taken them four hours to set everything up.

The yard was full of pumpkins and had an inflatable cat, spider, and witch. They had hung up the lights in the tree and added some spare cobwebs they had found. There were some lights in the shape of eyeballs in the small garden near the porch.

Inside the house was even more decked out. There were cobwebs on the ceiling, fake spiders hidden in every nook and cranny Evan could think of, there were stickers on the window–the ones where you have to dab with water before putting them on the window so they stick. There was a huge skeleton sticker on Evan's door. And a few extra fake pumpkins in the living room.

"I-I'm not too heavy am I?" Evan asked, looking at Connor below him. He was trying to tape up a string of mini eyeballs and skulls, but was too short to reach the ceiling so he was having Connor lift him.

"You're fine," Connor replied, moving to the right when Evan nodded. Evan was sitting on his shoulders and Connor had his arms wrapped around his legs. He adjusted so Evan wasn't slipping.

"You sure?"

"I would've said something by now."

Evan was almost done with the string when a voice startled both of them.

"Well isn't this the cutest thing you've ever seen?"

Connor carefully turned around, making sure not to drop Evan, and saw Jared holding his phone in front of him.

"Oh, hi Jared!" Evan exclaimed. "What are you doing here? I thought you didn't want to help."

"My Mom was bugging me about spending more time with you," Jared said, putting his phone away. "And I made the right choice in coming here. Are you sure you're not dating?"

"Jared," Connor warned. "You better delete the fucking video."

"Or what?" Jared asked. "You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you?"

Connor walked over to the couch and dropped Evan.

Evan gasped, holding onto the cushions. "Warn me next time, please."

"You're right Jared," Connor said, approaching the shorter man. "But I would spray him with silly string and chase him."

Jared looked confused until Connor grabbed a can of silly string that was on the coffee table.

"I'll even give you a head start. One-" Jared took off running, Connor right behind him.

Evan laughed as he looked out the window. Connor was chasing him down the sidewalk. Jared was already covered in silly string.

He busied himself with his phone until they returned. He decided to write a letter so he wouldn't forget.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Today is going to be a good day and here's why. It's the first day of October, meaning pumpkin flavored everything!

You got to hang out with Connor again, so that's good. Even if you did almost break down. But that doesn't matter, because you had fun.

You get your cast off also. But you should probably stay away from trees for a while.

He didn't get to finish because Jared, who's hair was covered in silly string, was now hiding behind him and Connor stood in front, aiming the can right at him.

"Ok, ok," Jared said, out of breath. "I'll delete it." He took out his phone and pulled up the video. He quickly pressed delete and Connor relaxed.

"Well, I think I'm gonna go so you two can make out in this creepy ass house." Jared made his way to the front door.

"I will not hesitate to punch you," Connor threatened.

"Noted." Jared nodded. "See you, I guess."

Connor fell onto the couch, almost onto Evan. He pushed him up.

Evan glanced at their hands. They were close, almost touching. Evan blushed and moved his hand onto his lap, messing with his shirt.

His stomach rumbled, startling him.

"Hungry?" Connor asked. Evan nodded. Connor stood up. "C'mon, I know a great ice cream place."

Chapter Text

"You can go ahead and change the music," Connor said, nodding towards his phone. "It's 1234."

"That's so easy," Evan said, grabbing the phone.

"That's the point." Connor turned the corner. "In case I need my phone while I'm high, I'll know the passcode." Connor slammed on the brakes as a car sped across, cutting them off. "You mother fucker!"

Evan jumped at the shouting. He scrolled through Connor's Spotify. "Hollywood Undead?" he asked, clicking on the playlist.

"Great band," Connor said. "You probably wouldn't like them though. They swear a lot and sometimes it sounds like they're screaming. You can put it on if you want, I'm just warning you."

Evan frowned and hit shuffle. He placed the phone down.

"Wake up, grab beer, grab rear," the phone played. "Gotta get drunk 'fore my mom wakes up, break up with my girlfriend so I can bang sluts."

Evan gasped, reaching for the phone. He hit pause. "W-why do you have that song o-on your phone?" he asked, his face burning.

Connor shrugged. "It's a good song," he answered. "If you ignore the lyrics that is."

"I-I just. . ." He scrolled through the playlists again. He found a playlist titled 'Simple Plan'. Shrugging to himself, he hit shuffle.

A song titled Perfect started playing.

Connor visibly tensed, hands gripping the steering wheel tighter and knuckles turning white. "Change the song," Connor muttered.

"W-what?" Evan asked.

"Change the damn song!"

Evan flinched and paused the song. He settled on the State Champs playlist. Hopefully this won't make him upset.

Connor was still tense, but he didn't look like he was about to rip the steering wheel off.

"W-what's wrong with the song?" Evan asked.

"I don't wanna talk about it," Connor said. "I'm not in the mood."

Evan nodded. "So where are we going?"

"A place called Á La Mode," Connor said. "The best ice cream place there is."

"I mean, Dairy Queen isn't bad," Evan said.

Connor looked over at him. "This place is better than Dairy Queen."

"Really?" Evan lifted an eyebrow. "How can any place be better than Dairy Queen? Their hot dogs are the best."

"This is about ice cream, Hansen," Connor said, "not hot dogs. And you'll change your mind once you try it."

They pulled into a parking space. The place was pretty empty. There were only ten cars, plus Connor's.

Evan jogged to keep up with Connor. "Slow down," he called out.

"Not my fault you're short." Connor held the door open for Evan.

"I'm not short!" he exclaimed. "You're just really tall."

Connor rolled his eyes in a joking manner. "Whatever you say. So, what flavor do you want?"

"Uh. . ." Evan scanned the various flavors. "Mint brownie?"

"Bowl or cone?"

"Bowl."

Connor nodded and told the cashier their order.

Connor handed Evan his bowl. Connor held a cone with two scoops, one vanilla and one confetti cake.

"Can we take these to go?" Evan asked. "My Mom is suppose to be home around three so I can get my cast removed and I don't wanna make us late."

"Alright." The two exited the building and climbed into the car, ready for the thirty minute drive back.

They were sitting under the decorated tree. Evan had his bowl of now melted ice cream in his lap. Connor had finished his during the ride.

Evan moved the spoon around.

"This is nice," he said, breaking the silence.

"What is?" Connor asked. He was laying down, arms behind his head and legs crossed, eyes closed. Evan was sitting up, back against the tree.

"I don't know," Evan sighed. "This moment? This past month? Everything, really. I mean, a month ago the only person I spoke to only hung out with me for car insurance. Now, not only do I have two friends, but one of them is my so–"

Connor opened one eye, giving Evan a funny look. "What?"

"Never mind, it's nothing," Evan said quickly. "I shouldn't have brought it up."

This sparked anger in Connor, but not enough to make him explode. "What were you gonna say, Hansen?"

"I just– it's noth– you don't like the topic." Evan was whispering. His legs were pulled up to his chest, arms wrapped tightly around them.

"Just tell me," Connor commanded, visibly annoyed. He sat up, arms holding him up and legs sprawled out in front of him.

Evan flinched at the sudden increase of volume. His mind flashed back to the day they met, how angry Connor had gotten at the mere mention of having a soulmate, how close he had gotten, looking ready to hit something.

"I-I know how much y-you hate the topic," Evan whispered. "S-so don't get mad."

Connor sighed, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. "Ok."

Evan did the same, though it took him a while to build up courage. "I-I was go-gonna say how I f-found m-my so-soulmate." Evan squeezed his eyes tighter.

Connor didn't say anything, he didn't even react. He just sat there, staring at Evan, staring at the timer that was barely visible.

Connor thought about how the doctors said that it was broken. Visit after visit, that's all he would hear. That it was broken, that the probability of having a soulmate was slim-to-none. They said that he was broken, even if they didn't out right say it. They made him believe that, and he still does.

"C-Connor?" Evan lifted his head and stared at the long-haired male. "A-are you mad?"

Connor's face was void of emotion, Evan noticed.

Connor opened his mouth to respond, but a car pulled into the driveway.

Evan perked up.

Heidi got out of the car, surprise on her face. "Oh my," she said, turning to the boys, who were walking over to her. "You two sure were busy. It looks great."

"Thanks," Evan said. "It was. . . Pretty eventful too."

"Oh?" Heidi tilted her head.

"Jared stopped by and Connor ended up chasing him with silly string."

Heidi laughed. "Well I'm glad you had fun," she said. "Sorry to cut this short, but we have to go."

Evan nodded, following Heidi to the car.

"Connor, dear?"

Connor looked over at Heidi. "Yeah?"

"Unfortunately, I have to go right back to work after we're done, so would you be alright with picking Evan up?" she asked.

"Yeah, sure," he responded.

"Thank you. You should probably follow us so it would be easier."

Connor climbed into his own car, waiting for Heidi to drive out so he could do the same.

Connor was skimming through a terrible magazine in the waiting room. He wasn't even reading any of it.

Someone sat next to him, causing him to glance over.

"That was fast," Connor said.

"Yeah," Evan said. "So. . . Wanna get out of here?"

"Of fucking course." Connor threw down the magazine. He stood up, stretching. "So how does it feel to have your arm back?"

"Pretty freaking great." Evan smiled as they walked out of the hospital.

"Shit, your arm is fucking pale," Connor said as they drove away from the hospital.

Evan laughed awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. "Yeah. . . Deciding to fall out of a tree will do that."

His eyes widened slightly and he looked at Connor in the corner of his eye, hoping he didn't pick up on what he said.

"What?" Connor asked. "What do you mean?" It wasn't an accusing tone, just general confusion.

Evan focused his attention to the window, watching the buildings pass in blurs.

"Evan," Connor said.

"I-it's nothing," Evan said. "I just– I don't know what I was saying. I didn't decide to fall out of a tree. I mean, who does that? Not me, that's for sure. I just-" he cleared his throat. "-it's nothing. Don't worry."

Connor kept trying to look at him, but Evan was avoiding eye contact.

He sighed and nodded. He wasn't going to force him to talk, he knew how well that would turn out.

He didn't completely know what he meant, but he had his suspicions.

The rest of the car ride was filled with uncomfortable silence.

Chapter Text

It was Wednesday after school and Evan thought it would be a good idea to have a study session. Only problem was neither Connor or Evan understood anything in the textbook and Connor wasn't even paying attention.

They were at Connor's house–because Evan kept saying that he should be to his house at least once–and no one else was home. Zoe had jazz band, Ms. Murphy was out running errands, and Mr. Murphy was still at work.

Evan had been rereading the same paragraph for ten minutes, trying to make sense of it. He slammed it shut in frustration and fell back onto the couch.

Connor was on the floor, staring at a sheet of paper that had practice problems. None of them were solved. Either he didn't get them or he didn't want to do them, Evan wasn't sure.

Connor crumpled up the paper. "Remind me again why we're doing this?" he asked, tossing the paper onto the couch. "It's stupid."

"I know," Evan agreed. "What do you want to do?"

"I don't know," Connor said. "Anything but this. We have a foosball table in the basement if you want?"

"Really?" Evan sat up. "Come on!"

Evan pulled Connor up. Connor lead him to the basement. "I haven't been down here in forever," he said.

Evan ran over to the foosball table. "Jared and I used to play this all the time," he said. "I would beat him every time, so I'd watch out."

"I call black," Connor said.

"Of course you do," Evan joked. "What should we play to?"

"First to ten wins?" Connor suggested.

"You're on."

They've played eight games. Evan won most of them. Connor won two.

"Aha!" Evan exclaimed as the ball went into Connor's goal. His hands shot up in victory. "I win!"

"You weren't lying when you said you were good," Connor said, putting his hands in his pockets.

"Wanna go again?" Evan asked.

"I think nine games is good for now," Connor replied. "Let's get something to drink."

Evan followed Connor up the old creaking steps.

Evan sniffed, smelling someone cooking. "Who's home?"

"Probably Cynthia," Connor said. The two entered the kitchen and sure enough Cynthia was cooking.

She turned around at the sound of voices. "Oh! Connor, who's this?"

"Evan," Connor said. "He's my uh my friend."

"You've never mentioned him before," Cynthia said. "But I'm glad you've made a friend. I was just making dinner, would you like to stay?"

"I-I don't want to i-intrude-"

"Oh nonsense, you wouldn't be intruding." Cynthia laughed. It sounded forced. "Connor never has anyone over so it would be nice if you did."

"O-oh. . ." Evan picked at his fingers. "O-ok then."

Awkward. That's the only way to describe dinner.

Barely anyone spoke. It was mostly questions and then a short answer that lead to silence until someone asked another question.

"So Evan," Cynthia said. Evan looked up from his lap. "How long have you and Connor known each other?"

"O-oh uh, w-we met a-at the b-beginning o-of the y-year," Evan said.

"How come this is the only time we've seen you around?" Zoe asked.

"W-we m-mostly hang o-out at m-my house a-and school."

"Is he paying you or something?"

"Zoe!" Cynthia exclaimed. "Why would you think that?"

"What else am I suppose to think? He never talks to anyone and the first 'friend' he has is the most awkward person in school!"

Evan slumped down in his chair. "H-he's not-"

"For your information Zoe," Connor said. "Evan asked me to be friends, not the other way around."

"If that's the case, then it won't be long until he decides he doesn't want to be friends." Zoe put her elbows on the table.

"W-what?" Evan asked.

"In case you don't know for some reason," Zoe said, "Connor isn't the nicest person."

"Zoe," Connor warned.

"He yells," she continued, "he punched walls, he's threatened me, he's-"

"Zoe I swear-"

"He's shoved you-"

"H-he didn't m-mean it," Evan interrupted. Zoe looked surprised. "H-he a-apologized f-for it."

"Are we talking about the same Connor?" Zoe asked. "He doesn't apologize."

"No, you just don't think I'm capable of being a decent human being," Connor yelled.

"Well maybe I wouldn't think that if you weren't constantly fighting with everyone!" Zoe yelled.

"Maybe if everyone left me alone instead of making me pissed off-"

"Maybe if you were nice in the first place, no one would make you pissed off!"

"Fuck you, Zoe!"

"Fuck you, Connor!"

"Zoe, Connor please," Larry said. "Don't fight in front of our guest."

"Poor boy looks scared to tears," Cynthia said.

It was true. Tears had pricked the corner of his eyes.

"W-where's y-your bathroom?" he asked.

"Down the hall, first door on your left," Larry said.

Evan basically ran to the bathroom, slamming the door and locking it. He leaned against the door, sliding down to the floor. He brought his knees up to his chest.

His heart was pounding, his breathing was out of control, he was shaking.

Zoe and Connor had reminded him so much of his parents before his dad left. Always fighting.

A few tears slipped out. He quickly wiped them away.

This is stupid. Crying and freaking out in your friend's bathroom all because of a fight that you weren't even in?

There was a knock at the door. "Evan?" It was Connor. "I'm sorry for my sister's shit behavior. C'mon, let me in?"

Evan tried to control his breathing. In for five seconds, hold for seven, out for eight.

He was still shaking but at least he wasn't hyperventilating. He stood up, his legs shaking and gripping the sink. He looked at himself. His eyes were pink from crying, his face had tear stains. His hair was messed up from running his hands through it and pulling it.

He turned on the sink. He splashed water on his face, trying to get rid of any evidence he had been crying. He ran his fingers through his hair in an attempt to make it neat again.

He took a deep breath before unlocking the door and stepping out. Connor was leaning again the wall across from the door.

"Jesus Christ," he whispered. "You look awful."

"Thanks. . ." Evan stared at the floor. "I-I'm sorry."

"For what?" Connor asked. "It's not your fault, Zoe started it."

"B-but if I j-just r-refused dinner th-this wouldn't h-have happened."

"There's no way you could've known this would happen." Connor put his hands on Evan's shoulder.

Evan wrapped his arms around Connor, pulling him close. His face was buried in Connor's shoulder.

Connor was taken back. He didn't know what to do. Hug him back? He's never hugged anyone before. But it would be awkward if Evan was the only one hugging.

Connor hesitantly hugged back. Evan giggled at the awkwardness.

"I wanna go home," Evan mumbled, pulling back. "C-can you come w-with me?"

"Yeah sure," Connor agreed. "I don't think it would be a good idea for me to stay anyways."

The two walked out of the hall and were greeted with Cynthia, who had a worried expression on her face.

"Are you alright?" she asked. "What happened?"

"Zoe made him cry," Connor said.

"N-no!" Evan exclaimed. "Sh-she didn't. I-it's just th-the f-fighting r-reminded me o-of my o-own p-parents."

Cynthia gave him a look of pity. "Oh I'm so sorry," she said.

"I'm gonna drive him home."

"Alright. Be careful, I think it's suppose to rain."

Connor had Evan'a backpack in his hand. Evan took it and put it on.

"Th-thanks for d-dinner," Evan said. "I-I'm sorry I-I ru-ruined it."

"Oh honey you didn't ruin it," Cynthia said. "And you're welcome here any time."

Chapter Text

They were at the orchard again. Is that the third time this week? Evan didn't know.

They were sitting under a tree, shoulders pressed against each other. Connor was drawing something while Evan watched.

Evan put his chin on Connor's shoulder to get a better look.

"What are you doing?" Connor asked, not looking up or stopping the pencil.

"I was just trying to see what you're drawing," Evan said. "So what is it?"

"It's not what, it's who," Connor said.

"Oh. Who is it?"

The pencil stopped moving. Connor bit his lip. "You," he mumbled.

"Me?" Evan sat up straight. "Why me?"

"Because I've already drawn everyone in my family." Connor put the notebook down. "And I'm not drawing Jared 'cause who knows what he would do if he saw it."

"Oh." Evan reached for the notebook. "Can I see the others?"

"They're not in this one," Connor said. "This is a brand new notebook, so right now the only drawing in it is you." Connor spoke quietly, as if he were nervous.

Connor moved his hands so that he was leaning back on them, stretching his legs out in front of him.

Evan blushed at how close their hands were. Connor had his pinky and ring finger on Evan's hand. Wether he knew or not, Evan didn't know but he didn't mind.

His heart fluttered slightly. Why was he acting like this? They hugged only two days ago and he wasn't acting like this.

His finger twitched, causing Connor to look down and move his hand.

"Sorry," Connor said. He picked up the notebook and started drawing again.

"No, it's, it's fine," Evan said, "I-It's fi– I didn't mind."

Evan saw Connor glance at him every once in a while. He assumed it was for drawing purposes but he did see how noticeably pink his cheeks got when Evan caught him looking. He brushed it off as how cold it was.

They fell back into the comfortable silence.

Evan yawned, his eyes closing and head falling onto Connor's shoulder.

Connor stiffened, pencil stopping as he looked at Evan. He slowly relaxed and tried to control his pounding heart.

Evan opened his eyes, staring back at Connor. Connor stiffened again and went back to drawing.

"Wow," Evan said. "That's amazing!"

"This is just a rough sketch," Connor said.

"If this is just a sketch, then I can't even imagine how the final product will turn out!"

Connor gave a small smile, his face flushed. "I'll show you once it's done."

Evan and Connor were once again on Evan's couch.

Since Connor picked what they watched last time, Evan got to choose. So he chose Moana.

Connor had poked fun about his taste in movies. Evan just rolled his eyes and playfully shoved him.

Evan wouldn't stop singing along with every song. He surprisingly had a good voice.

Connor stared at him during How Far I'll Go.

Evan was really animated when he sang. He would move his hands, he would make different facial expressions, he would attempt to dance without really dancing.

Evan caught Connor staring and blushed, sitting still but still singing.

By the time the movie ended, Evan had fallen asleep. On Connor's shoulder.

Connor carefully slipped out from under him, laying him onto the couch. He decided to busy himself with his phone, playing boring games he downloaded.

He heard the front door open and looked over. Heidi stood in the doorway, dressed in her scrubs.

"Oh," she exclaimed. "Hello there. I wasn't expecting to have you over." She pressed a hand to her chest and laughed.

"I've been here everyday after school all week," Connor said, setting his phone down.

"Oh." She set her purse down. "Where's Evan?"

Connor motioned to the couch. Heidi walked over. She smiled and ran a hand through her son's hair.

"Well, I have to run again," she said. "I just came to change before I head to my class. I'll leave twenty dollars for dinner if you two get hungry."

And she was gone.

Connor looked down at Evan, who was now curled into a ball, arms wrapped around his legs.

He got up and started looking around, looking for one of those fake spiders they hid.

He found one in the jar of sugar they had. He picked it up and walked back over to the couch. He placed the spider on Evan's cheek.

Now, we wait.

Connor jumped when Evan screamed. He looked up from his phone just in time to see Evan throw the fake spider.

He tried to hold in his laughter.

"N-not funny!" Evan yelled.

"It totally is funny," Connor said. "Your face was hilarious."

Evan pouted and crossed his arms.

"You hungry?" Connor asked, holding up the twenty dollar bill Heidi left them. "How does pizza sound?"

Chapter Text

Evan was laying on Connor, an arm across his chest. He was singing I See The Light from Tangled, the movie they were watching.

He was singing both parts. Connor had no idea how he could hit a low note then suddenly sing Rapunzel's high note, but Connor loved it.

Connor ran his hands through Evan's soft hair. He smiled when he looked up. Evan smiled back.

"Connor?" Evan asked.

"Hm?"

"I like you."

"I like you too," Connor said.

Evan had a large smile on his face as he leaned up.

Connor's heart started pounding. He looked at Evan's lips, which were inches away from his own.

Connor hesitantly leaned down.

Connor jotted awake. His breathing was heavy. His forehead was slick with sweat.

He groaned, putting his face in his hands. His fingers gripped his hair tightly, accidentally pulling a few strands out.

He looked at his phone. 4:38 in the morning. He fell back, his phone flinging from his hand and landing next to him. His head hit the headboard of his bed.

He cursed and rubbed it.

That's the third dream this week and he hated it. He didn't mind the dreams, no, he hated the fact that he was having them every single night and that it's the only thing he can think of whenever Evan's around.

His dreams always ended the same way, both of them saying they liked each other, never using the word love unless they were talking about a hobby or something.

He wasn't in love with Evan. He just. . . had a small crush on him. A crush that's been going on every since the hug at dinner three weeks ago. He's been good at hiding this, but it's been getting harder and harder the more time they spend with each other.

Connor sighed and stood up. He wasn't going to fall back asleep anytime soon. He walked over to his desk and opened a drawer. He pulled out his notebook and a pencil. He sat down, using a small lamp as light so he didn't wake anyone up.

He was in the middle of working on the left eye when someone started banging on the door.

"Connor!" Zoe yelled. "If you don't get up in the next five minutes you're gonna be late!"

Connor looked at his phone and noticed that it was 6:45. He must've lost track of time.

"God, ok fine!" Connor yelled back. "Now go away!"

He closed the notebook and put it away. He walked over to his closet and pulled out a random hoodie. It wasn't his usual one. That one was dirty. So he was stuck with a light grey one that he didn't like. It totally ruined his dark image and didn't go with his pants.

Grabbing his phone and backpack, he walked downstairs and to the kitchen.

Larry wasn't sitting in his usual spot so Connor assumed he left already. Probably due to traffic or something.

Cynthia walked over and handed Connor a plate with two slices of toast, one with jelly and one with peanut butter.

"Hurry up," she said. "Don't want you to be late."

Connor couldn't care less if he was late. As long as that dream was still playing on his mind, he wanted to avoid Evan in case he asked him what was wrong and he accidentally told him the dream.

Normally, Connor wouldn't care what he said around people, but Evan was his only friend. The only person that didn't look at him like a freak or a loser or someone who could snap and shoot up a school without a second thought.

Connor didn't want to lose that. He didn't–couldn't–risk it.

So that's what he did. He did his best to avoid Evan.

The plan failed during lunch.

Connor didn't have anywhere else to sit and he most certainly wasn't skipping lunch.

"Why weren't you talking to me during first and second hour?" Evan asked, biting into his hamburger.

"I just. . ." Connor didn't meet his eyes. "Family stuff. I don't wanna talk about it."

Evan nodded. "You know I'm here for you if you do decide to talk about it."

Connor couldn't get those stupid dreams out of his head. Specifically the first one that happened at the beginning of the week.

In that one, it started out with Evan and Connor talking about something. It lead to Connor rambling about something Larry did and Evan telling him that he cares and likes him.

"Connor?" Evan asked, tapping on his shoulder. Connor jumped and turned to look at Evan. "Are you sure you're ok?"

"Yeah, yeah." Connor ran a hand through his hair. "I just. . . I'll be right back."

Connor pushed himself away from the table. He walked out of cafeteria and into the bathroom.

He walked right over to the sinks and looked at himself in the mirror.

His face was bright pink.

"Keep it together," he whispered to himself. "Just hide in here until lunch is over and you won't have to see him the rest of the day."

But you have eighth period with him. Guess I'll ditch the rest of the day. Haven't done that in a while anyways.

Connor threw himself onto his bed and rolled onto his back.

He was exhausted from today's events. He just wanted some peace for once. So he decided to sleep.

He dreamed about Evan again. They were dancing. Evan was singing. He was singing a song called Seventeen.

Evan's hands were around Connor's neck. Connor's hands were on Evan's waist.

They laughed as Connor spun him around. Connor had a genuine smile on his face.

He felt his heart speed up as he leaned in.

The scene changed. Connor and Evan were surrounded by darkness.

Evan had tears streaming down his face, pain sketched into his face.

Connor had his fists balled up. "E-Evan," he breathed out.

"I-I was wrong," Evan whispered. "Y-you're a monster!" Connor took a step towards him. "S-stay away! Leave me alone!"

Connor bolted up, panting and sweating. He patted around the bed for his phone.

It was 2:30 and he had four texts from Evan, all asking where he was and if he was ok.

Connor set the phone down and reached down behind his bed, where he kept his secret stash of weed. He started hiding it there when Zoe found out and told their parents.

He rolled a joint and lit it. He took a long drag from it, slowly letting the smoke out.

He just needed to forget about everything for a while.

Chapter Text

The plan was going mostly well. Just keep cutting all the classes you have with him until these feelings go away and you'll be fine. Easy right?

Except it wasn't.

The dreams were getting less and less romantic and more, for a lack of a better term, dark.

It was always the same thing. Connor would accidentally hurt Evan and Evan would call him names and run.

Maybe I deserve it.

Connor sighed, putting his head on his desk, covering the sketch of Evan with his hands.

He sat up and stared at his hands, which had some lead on them because they were sweaty from holding the pencil for the past hour. Luckily the picture wasn't ruined.

He sighed, pushing his swivel chair back. He was beyond bored, he was considering going back to school and getting a sick note from the office. But then he'd have to ditch eighth hour and that would be hard. Mr. Noz will call parents if you're five minutes late.

Maybe he should go. Then his parents wouldn't yell at him for missing his "most important" class two days in a row.

Sighing, he put the notebook away and grabbed his backpack.

The thought of driving crossed his mind, but his parents wouldn't let him drive his own car to school because they thought he would ditch. So Zoe had to drive him everyday. And since Zoe drove him, suddenly having his car there would send red flags in her head, so she would tell their parents he ditched and then Larry would start yelling, making Connor yell and that's not good for anybody.

So he walked.

Evan was surprised to see Connor in the halls after skipping most of the day.

He tried to catch up to him, but Connor ignored his voice and walked faster.

Evan frowned. He's been ditching school the past two days and ignoring Evan's texts.

He hates you, his mind told him. You've been clingy and he hates you now.

Evan blinked, shaking those thoughts away. Connor must have a good reason. Maybe he's been sick and his phone is dead and charger is broken.

Evan went with that idea, ignoring the voice in his head telling him otherwise.

He arrived in his seventh hour, English, and quickly took his usual seat in the back, eight by the door. He only really liked that class because the teacher let everyone choose their seats at the beginning and luckily, no one chose the back so he was left alone.

"Hey there." Jared appeared in front of Evan, startling him and making him drop his phone. "How ya been?"

Evan bit his lip. "I've been better. . . I saw Connor in the halls."

"So he's back, huh?" Jared slid into the desk next to Evan's.

Even nodded. "I tried talking to him but he ignored me. I don't know if I did something. He hasn't responded to any texts, I even called him and you know how I am with phone calls. It just went straight to voicemail."

"I'm sure he's fine," Jared said. "Didn't you say it was a family thing? He'll be fine, stop worrying all the time."

"I-I know." Evan picked at his fingers, a habit Connor often did and Evan seemed to have picked up on it. "It's just. . . He's my first friend and I don't know what to do."

"Just let him– hold on." Jared frowned. "Did you just say he's your first friend?"

"Y-you know what I mean," Evan whispered, trying to not let the teacher hear.

"No, Evan, I don't know what you mean," Jared retorted. "Please tell me-"

"Mr. Kleinman and Mr. Hansen," the teacher called. "Please stop interrupting my lesson."

"What do you mean he's your first friend?" Jared repeated like the teacher never spoke.

"W-well it's j-just you al-always say we're just f-family friends," Evan mumbled, "a-and th-that there's a-a difference."

"Ah shit man." Jared shook his head, gaze directed at his desk. "I-it was a joke. I thought you would-"

"Mr. Keinlman and Mr. Hansen!" the teacher yelled. "I have told you twice no to be quiet, but since you insist on being disrespectful, I will ask you to go out into the hallway."

Evan's cheek burned as everyone turned to stare at them. He felt their eyes on him as he and Jared stood up and walked out.

Evan leaned against the wall and slide down, legs pulled to his chest.

"I honestly thought you knew I was joking," Jared said, standing next to him, hand shoved in his pockets.

"W-well y-you should know th-that I don't know what's a-a joke and what's not." Evan looked up at Jared. "A-and at first I thought it was a joke, b-but then you kept saying that and that y-you only hung out with me for car insurance."

"I won't joke about it again," Jared mumbled.

The teacher walked out and stood in front of them. "I hope you two are happy," she said. "You disrupted your classmates' learning just so you could have your own conversation. I sort of expect this from you, Mr. Kleinman. But I never expected this from you, Mr. Hansen."

Evan wasn't paying attention. He was too busy trying to regulate his breathing.

God, you can't even handle a teacher talking to you in the halls. Pathetic.

"Evan, hey," Jared whispered. "It's ok, she's gone, you're fine." He kneeled in front of him. "C'mon, breathe."

No tears came out, which they were both glad for. If Evan started crying, they would end up being out there longer than either of them wanted to.

"I'm sorry," Evan managed to say. "I just. . ." He shook his head.

Jared wrapped an arm around Evan's shoulder.

Evan didn't meet his gaze. He was staring at Connor, who was walking passed them. He thought he saw his eyes flicker over to them.

Jared noticed. "Go after him," he said. "I'll tell the teacher you weren't feeling well and went to the nurse."

Evan thanked him and stood up, running down the hall to catch up with Connor.

Chapter Text

As he ran, multiple thoughts swarmed in his mind.

What if he was hurting himself again? Is that why he isn't talking to him at school?

Evan had found out about Connor's self harming a week ago. They were at Connor's house.

They were on their phones, enjoying the silence and each other's company. Evan was curled up on the side of the couch, leaning up against the arm and facing Connor. Connor was leaning against the other arm, legs stretched out and feet crossed.

Evan was scrolling through his Instagram. He wasn't following a lot of accounts, but the accounts he were following were mostly nature and some cooking accounts.

Connor set his phone down and sat up, stretching his arms. His sleeve scrunched up, revealing some scars.

Evan couldn't help but stare. He knew he shouldn't be looking, but he just couldn't look away.

Connor placed his hands in front of him, going back to his phone. He glanced up at Evan. "What?" he asked. He looked down at his wrists. He quickly pulled down his sleeves.

They stared at each other, worry on Evan's face and horror on Connor's.

"C-Connor," Evan whispered. He scooted over to his friend, placing a hand on his wrist.

Connor jerked it back, holding it to his chest. "Don't."

Evan grabbed his hand and pulled it down. "Why?" He stared at Connor's hands.

"Why?" Connor repeated. "Because my life is shit. Because my father is a homophobic piece of shit. Because my mom tries to help me when she agrees with Larry saying I don't need therapy. Because my own sister hates me. Don't you dare pull any of that 'it gets better' bullshit because it doesn't."

Connor was close to tears. He's never cried in front of anyone in ten years and he sure as hell wasn't going to start here.

Evan sighs and retracts his hand. "I won't say any of that," he said. "Just know that if you ever want to talk, and I mean ever, I'm here. And I'm serious when I mean ever, you could call me at three in the morning and I'd still talk."

Connor nodded, looking up. When their eyes met, Evan pulled Connor into a hug.

Evan shook his head, clearing his mind of the memory.

He was outside the school now. He lost Connor. Did he drive home? No, he would've heard his car start up and see it drive away.

He spotted Connor leaning against the school's sign, smoking.

"Connor!" he shouted.

Connor's head snapped over to Evan. They locked eyes. They continued to stare for a full minute before Connor dropped the cigarette and crushed it with his heel, quickly walking off.

Evan internally groaned and jogged to him.

"Connor!"

Connor ignored him, walking even faster. He barely acknowledged the sound of feet hitting concrete.

"Connor!" Evan repeated, louder this time. "I need to talk to you!"

Evan's hand wrapped around Connor's wrist, pulling him back.

"What Hansen?" Connor asked, pulling out of Evan's grip. "What is so important that you decide to chase me down a fucking sidewalk?"

Evan stepped back. "Why. . . Why are you ignoring me?"

Connor didn't answer.

"Did, did I do something?" Evan asked. "Was it what happened last week?"

Connor mumbled incoherently.

"Did. . . did you relapse?" Evan whispered. "I told you to talk to me if you ever feel like that."

"No!" Connor shouted. He winced. He didn't mean it to come out that loud. "Mind your own damn business, Hansen."

"I just want to know," Evan said. "You were getting better and now suddenly you've stopped texting me, stopped calling. You won't even look me in the eye. What's going on with you?"

Connor crossed his arms, fingers digging into the fabric of his hoodie.

Evan noticed. "Connor. . . Let me see your arms."

Tears threatened to spill. He couldn't fall apart. Not in front of Evan.

Evan gently placed a hand on Connor's arm.

"You know," Connor choked out. "Arms aren't the only place a person can cut."

Evan's eyes widened. "You told me you stopped."

"People lie Evan!" Connor snapped. "But yes, I haven't cut since last week. I've found. . . Other ways."

"Connor please," Evan pleaded, "what's going on? You said that you would tell me if something happened."

Connor mumbled a bunch of words Evan couldn't make out.

"What?"

"Nothing," Connor lied. "Nothing's happening."

"I know that's not true. If nothing was happening, then why have you been ignoring me at school?"

"Fuck off Evan, it's my life."

Evan frowned. "God damn it Connor," Evan snapped, surprising both of them. "Why won't you ever let me help you? Every time I try to talk to you and be a good friend, you push me away! Am I doing something? Do you not like me? Are we not friends in your eyes? Damn it Connor you need to tell me these things, you need to-"

"It's because I fucking like you!" Connor screamed.

Evan stared at him, eyes wide. "Wh-what?"

That's when Connor caved in.

He collapsed to his knees, sobbing into his hands.

"Connor I. . ." Evan kneeled down, putting a hand on Connor's shoulder.

Connor pushed him off, sobbing harder.

Evan had no idea what to do. He's never seen Connor cry, or even show another emotion besides anger.

"I just. . ." Connor sniffed, wiping his eyes. "I understand if you don't feel the same way, I'd understand if you hate me now. Fucking– I hate myself too. I mean, I have a crush on someone who isn't my soulmate and that's frowned upon."

Evan pulled Connor up, wrapping him in a tight hug. "I don't hate you Connor," Evan whispered, rubbing his back. "Can I tell you something?"

"W-what?"

Evan ended the hug, staring deep into Connor's eyes. "I like you too."

"But you shouldn't," Connor mumbled.

"Why?"

"Because I'm a monster, a freak! I'm a shitty person. I'm extremely mean to my family, I fucking pushed you on the day we met. I just don't want you to get hurt, that's why I've been ignoring you. But I guess it didn't work, I only made everything worse."

"Connor that's not true," Evan said. "Sure, you have a few. . . Issues but who doesn't? We can work through it. We can help each other."

"But what will others say?" Connor asked, looking up at Evan. "It's taboo to be with anyone except your soulmate."

"Since when did you care about what others think?"

"Since Larry said that as long as I'm under his roof, it's forbidden to be with anyone else."

Evan wrapped an arm around Connor's shoulder. "We'll find a way to deal with him," he whispered. "How about we go to my house and watch movies until we feel better? I have popcorn if you want."

Evan stood up as Connor nodded. He let Evan pull him up.

"Can I pick the movie?" Connor asked.

Evan laughed. "Yeah," he answered, "as it's not scary."

Chapter Text

They were watching The Nightmare Before Christmas. It was fitting, seeing as Halloween was only five days away.

After that emotionally draining moment, Connor had wanted his space so he was laying on the couch while Evan sat on the floor by his feet.

"S-so," Evan said, breaking the silence. "I-I know you probably don't wanna talk about this but. . ."

Connor raised an eyebrow, though Evan couldn't see. "But?"

"I-I know w-we said we both like each other," Evan continued. He was fidgeting with his hands, picking at his nails and skin around them. "B-but I th-think w-we shouldn't d-do anything until we f-figure out the s-soulmate stuff. B-basically what I'm saying is that w-we shouldn't get together until-"

"I know what you're saying," Connor said. "And I agree."

Evan nodded and looked over at Connor.

"What?" Connor cocked his head to the side.

Evan looked away, blushing. "N-nothing."

Connor rolled his eyes and put his attention back to the movie.

"S-so," Evan said. "Do you have any plans for Halloween? Like are you gonna dress up or party or. . ."

"I usually don't do anything except hand out candy," Connor said. "I used to dress up but I stopped when I was eleven."

"Really?" Evan turned to face him. He crossed his legs and was looking at his lap while pressing the tips of his two index fingers together. "Do you, do you think you could h-help me hand out candy? 'Cause y'know. . ."

Connor eyed the shorter boy. "Sure." He shrugged. He picked at his already chipped black nail polish. "So, uh. . . Are you gonna dress up?"

"I'm not sure." Evan frowned. "I didn't have the time or money for find a costume. I really wanted to go as Sweeney Todd. But I guess I'll have to settle for the spare face paint we have from last year. I might end up as a skeleton or a cat, depending on what colors and how much we have."

Connor chuckled and shook his head at the mental images. A few strands of hair fell out of the bun he was sporting. He didn't bother fixing it, he would've had to undo the entire thing.

"If we have enough," Evan went on, "do you think you w-would want to do it? The face paint? Y-you don't have to dress up or even do the face paint. U-unless you want to. I-if you do, I'm really good at doing small designs like stars and hearts and mini skull. I-I can't do like the entire face like a clown or a dog. My mom usually helps with that."

"Maybe," was Connor's response. He thought for a moment. "Who's Sweeney Todd?"

Evan made an overly long and loud gasp. Connor honestly thought that a lung was going to burst.

"How do you not know who Sweeney Todd is?!" Evan exclaimed, switching his position so he was sitting on his knees. "He's a barber who kills people and then this girl-I can't remember her name-uses the dead bodies and makes them into pies. Ah, it's the best musical ever! And Johnny Depp plays him! Well, in the movie he does."

"Never thought you would be one to watch a movie about a killer," Connor joked.

Evan scoffed. "I may be squeamish around extreme gore but I can handle it. We are watching it right now!"

Evan turned off Netflix and searched through the piles of DVDs by the TV. He pulled out the DVD and raised it above his head. The tower of DVDs ended up falling because he yanked it out.

Evan flinched and quickly stacked the DVDs. Once they were steady, he crawled over to the DVD player and turned it on. He slid the disk into the player.

"You're going to love this movie," Evan said. "The songs are amazing."

He stood up and sat on the couch, a few spaces away from Connor.

"Do you want popcorn?" Evan asked. "We might have some."

Connor shrugged. "I'm not a big popcorn fan, but sure."

Evan stood up and walked to the kitchen. "You can go ahead and push play!" he yelled.

He searched the cabinets for the popcorn. He checked everywhere, even the fridge for some reason.

He bit his lip and stood in the middle of the kitchen. He scanned the messy counters, which were littered with bowls and cups and stains from various foods. He made a mental note to do the dishes later.

His eyes landed on a family size bag of wavy Lays chips. He grabbed the bag and opened the fridge again, looking for dip. He frowned when he didn't see any.

He closed the fridge with his foot as he struggled to open the bag. After nearly ripping it in half, he got it open.

He set the bag down on the counter and got two glasses. He filled them with water.

He put the side of the bag in his mouth and carried the glasses and walked back to the living room.

He handed Connor a glass and took the bag out of his mouth. "Sorry," he said, sitting down. "We didn't have popcorn so this is closest thing."

Connor shrugged and reached for the bag.

Throughout the movie, Evan sang every song. It shouldn't be surprising that he had all the lyrics memorized.

Again, Connor was amazed at how well he could sing, especially during the song Johanna.

Connor couldn't help but stare at Evan.

"I feel you, Johanna," Evan sang. "And one day I'll steal you-"

He looked over at Connor and instantly stopped. "S-sorry," he said, staring at the floor. "I know I'm n-not the best singer."

"No, it's fine," Connor said. "You, uh you sounded pretty good." He coughed. "Better than me at least."

"Really?" Evan blushed. "I honestly don't think I'm good, despite what my mom says." His eyes widened. "Shoot! I have to text her about why I'm not in school!"

He dug in his pockets and pulled out his phone. The only text he had was from Jared saying that he told their last two classes that Evan was at the nurse's office and that they counted him as present.

Evan let out a breath of relief and set his phone down. "Never mind."

"What?" Connor asked. "Did your mom find out? You in trouble again?"

"No. Since Jared and I have the last two classes together, he told the teachers that I was at the nurse and they counted me present."

Two hours later, after the movie was over, the two were now laying on the floor, shoulder to shoulder and asking each other questions.

"When's your birthday?" Connor asked.

"November 24th," Evan answered. "When's yours?"

"January 5th," Connor replied. "Have you ever done drugs?"

"Connor!" Evan shrieked, sitting up and looking at the dark haired boy. "What kind of question is that?"

"A question." Connor shrugged. "Now answer it."

"Fine." Evan laid back down. "No, I haven't. Though I have been curious before. But if my mom ever found out I tried drugs, she'd kill me."

Connor chuckled. "Pretty sure she wouldn't kill you."

"Probably not, but I'd be grounded for life." Evan put his hands behind his head. "What are your plans for the future?"

"Honest?" Connor asked. Evan nodded. "I. . . I don't know. I never, I never really planned to live this long."

Evan looked over at Connor, who's eyes were watering. He placed a hand on his. "Hey," he whispered, "it'll be fine, don't cry. We had enough of that today."

Connor did a weak chuckle. "I wasn't crying," he said and wiped his eyes. "I just, eyelashes fell into my eyes."

Evan knew he was lying but didn't call him out on it.

"Do you have board games?" Connor asked.

"Really? That's your question. This is suppose to be us learning about each other, not if I have board games. But yes, we do."

"Do you have Monopoly?"

"You already asked your question," Evan said. "Do you like sports?"

"Do you even know me?" Connor asked, pretending to be offended. "Fuck no, Hansen. Do you have Monopoly?"

Evan smiled and rolled his eyes. "Yes. Do you have any talents?"

"Besides smoking and being a huge dick to everyone?" Connor asked. "No. I used to tap dance when I was younger, but Larry made me quit, saying that it would "turn me gay"." He shook his head. "Fucking Larry. . ." He bit his lip. ". . . Can we play Monopoly?"

"I guess." Evan shrugged. "If you didn't want to ask questions, you could've just said so."

The two stood up and stretched.

"Just gonna want you," Evan said, walking down the hallway. "I'm pretty good."

"Not likely," Connor countered. "Zoe and I used to play it all the time when we were younger. I beat her every single time."

"Well that was then," Evan said, opening a door and stepping in, Connor following, "this is now."

"Did you just fucking quote a book title?" Connor asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Did I? I didn't mean to." Evan turned on the light and walked to the back of the room. "I didn't know you read S.E. Hinton books."

"Of course I have. Everyone had to read The Outsiders in seventh grade. I just happened to know that That Was Then, This Is Now is another book by her."

Evan grabbed the Monopoly game that was on top of the other board games. He held it in front of his face. "Prepare to be beaten," he said.

"Watch out Hansen," Connor warned, a small smirk on his face, "you're messing with a pro."

Chapter Text

They were an hour into the game. Evan had a few more properties than Connor, one of them including Park Place.

Connor was determined to get Boardwalk. His piece-the dog- was only six steps away.

He had the dice in his hands and was furiously shaking them. He blew into his hands, a tradition that his family used to do. They liked to think that if you blew into your hands while shaking the dice, you would get lucky.

And since Connor's lucky number was three, he blew into his hands three times. He dropped the dice and watched them spin on the board. A five. Connor got a five.

"God damnit!" he yelled, angrily moving his piece. He placed a one hundred in the center due to landing on a tax space. He crossed his arms. "This game is rigged."

Evan snorted. "How is it rigged?" he asked, reaching for the dice. "You can't even cheat at Monopoly."

"I bet Kleinman could find a way."

"He probably could." Evan laughed as he dropped the dice. He got a twelve. He muttered the numbers as he counted and moved his piece. He landed on a Chance space. He picked up a card.

"Advance to Boardwalk!" he cheered. He moved his piece around the board, passing go in the process.

"Evan I swear to whatever god exists," Connor warned, "don't you dare buy that space."

Evan cocked an eyebrow up and stared at Connor. "Hm, or what?" he asked, attempting to smirk. It came out as more of an awkward smile.

"I'll. . . I'll uh. Shit, I got nothing." Connor shook his head. "But I won't be happy. When did you get so cocky?"

Evan shrugged. "You've been rubbing off on me," he stated. "But since I'm such a good friend, I'll. . ." He stared directly at Connor. "Buy it."

"You son of a-"

"Hey hey!" Jared appeared right behind the couch. "Am I interrupting your date?"

Evan blushed. "N-no," he said. "It's n-not a date."

"If it was, do you really think we'd be playing Monopoly?" Connor asked. "This game destroys friendships and relationships."

"Is that why you're playing it?" Jared sat next to Evan, who slapped Jared's shoulder. "Ok, that was uncalled for."

"N-not do be rude, but why are you here?" Evan asked.

"I figured you'd want your backpack back." Jared tossed the backpack into Evan's lap. "And I didn't want to keep it."

"O-oh. Thanks."

"So, if you don't mind me asking," Jared started. "What happened after you left me in the hallway?"

"Oh um-"

"We talked some things out," Connor interrupted.

"What kind of things?"

"Personal things." Connor scratched the back of his neck. "You don't need to know."

"Alright, I get it." Jared put his hands out in front of him. "I won't pry."

"That's a surprise," Connor mumbled.

"What was that Murphy?" Jared glared at Connor. Connor just shrugged. "So, who's turn is it?"

"M-mine," Evan said, searching through his money. He pulled out four hundred dollars and placed them in the bank. He grabbed the property, ignoring Connor's scowl.

Connor cupped the dice in his hands and only shook them once before dropping them on the board. He got doubles. He moved his piece four spaces and swiped up a Community Chest card. "Doctor's fee, pay $50," he read. He grumbled something and put the money in the middle.

"Come on, Connor," Evan said. "Don't be so grumpy, it's just a game."

"I take Monopoly very seriously," Connor replied, swiping he dice to roll again.

"I can tell." Evan gestured to the game pieces that were thrown around the room. When Connor landed on a tax property and then an owned property with a house, he decided to take the house and throw it in the next room. Evan ended up replacing the house instead of getting up and grabbing it.

Connor dropped the dice and watched them as the spun around. Doubles again. He moved his piece six spaces, landing on Vermont Avenue, which he owned.

Dice in hand, he repeated his breathing tradition. He mumbled to himself, silently hoping he didn't get doubles again.

His breath hitched as the dice spun. He gritted his teeth as he saw the dice on doubles. "God damnit!" he yelled, putting his piece in the jail.

Jared burst out laughing. He was leaning against Evan, face buried in his shoulder.

"Shut the fuck up, Kleinman," Connor muttered. "It's not funny."

Jared's laughing calmed down and he sat up, wiping a tear from his eye. "You're right," he said, his face and tone serious. His face broke out into a grin as he continued, "It's hilarious!"

Evan looked between the two. "M-maybe we should take a break," he suggested.

"Yeah sure." Connor shrugged.

"I'd love to stay, but." Jared stood up, stretching. "I only told my mom I was dropping off your backpack and if I'm gone longer than needed, she'll call the cops and send a search party. See you later, love birds."

And with that, Jared was gone.

"So, what do you wanna do?" Connor asked, leaning back against the couch. "We could go to A La Mode, we could go to my house and place foosball. Although my family is probably home by now, so maybe not."

"I kinda wanna go to the orchard," Evan said. "B-before it gets too cold."

"Alright," Connor agreed. "We'll have to stop at my house first, my car is there."

Connor stood up as Evan quickly ran to the kitchen. Confused, Connor followed. Evan was writing on a sheet of paper.

"In case my mom gets home early and I'm not back," he said, pinning the paper to the fridge. "Lets go."

Chapter Text

The drive to the orchard was silent, but neither of them minded. Simple Plan was quietly playing through the speakers.

Connor was quietly singing along, not know that Evan was listening.

Evan smiled, enjoying how calming his voice sounded.

"You have a nice voice," he said.

Connor looked over at him, face red. "You heard that?"

The blond nodded. "I have ears for a reason," he teased. "But really, it-its nice."

Connor turned his attention back to the road. He continued singing and turned up the music.

Evan decided to pay attention to the words.

I've always been so reckless

All of my life

But I'll try

For you

Evan looked at Connor, who was drumming his fingers against the steering wheel, matching the rhythm of the song.

Evan rested his head against the cold window, watching the trees and buildings pass. His eyes drifted closed and the sound of Connor singing faded away.

Connor shook Evan awake, announcing they were there.

Evan unbuckled himself and exited to car, walking around to stand next to Connor. Once Connor was out, they walked over to the fence and climbed it.

Connor landed on the ground gracefully while Evan stumbled, almost falling.

Connor lead Evan deep into the orchard, his hand wrapped around Evan's wrist. Evan tried to ignore the blush that was creeping onto his face.

They arrived at the tree they normally sit under-and for some reason they've been there so many times that they recognize it.

Evan stepped closer to the tree, grabbing one of the sturdier branches and pulling himself up.

"Evan, are you crazy?" Connor asked. "Your arm just healed and you're already climbing trees?"

"I haven't climbed a tree in months," Evan said in between breaths as he continued climbing. "And I'm making sure to be even more careful."

Evan sat on a branch that he was sure was sturdy enough to hold him. "You should come up here, it's great."

"I uh, I think I'll pass," Connor responded. "I'm not one for heights."

Evan nodded and leaned against the tree, smiling. He swung his legs back and forth.

Connor stared at him, then at the tree. "Can't believe I'm doing this," he whispered to himself, shaking his head. He approached the tree, grabbing a branch.

He was nowhere near as good a climber Evan was, so he's constantly slipping and losing balance. Eventually, he made it to where Evan was.

Evan scooted over, away from the base of the tree so Connor could sit.

Connor looked around the orchard, taking in the scene. Everything looked small up there, the flowers were barely noticeable. The sun was peaking out from behind the leaves.

He had to admit, it was a pretty sight.

A huge gust of wind came their way. Evan started to sway and he held onto the branch, eyes wide.

"Maybe we should get down," Connor said.

Evan nodded, staying still. Connor began to slowly climb down, gripping the tree whenever he slipped. Evan scooted closer to the base of the tree.

Connor was halfway to the ground when Evan started heading down. Another burst of wind flew by, causing Evan to almost fall. He clung to the tree, tears pricking his eyes as he stared at the ground.

He kneeled on the branch, staring at the ground. It was about forty foot drop and he was sure it would do the job.

Connor was now on the ground, telling him it's alright.

"Don't let go," Evan whispered to himself. "Don't let go, don't let go, don't let go."

"Let go," he urged himself, hands gripping the trunk of the tree. "Let go, let go, let go."

As he prepared himself, he started having second thoughts. Did he really want to do this?

Sobs racked Evan's body. His finger nails dug into the bark. The wood bit into his hands.

"Come on, Evan!" Connor yelled over the wind. "It's only a little ways down."

Evan sniffed and wiped his eyes, the memory still fresh in his mind. He started climbing again, slower this time.

He sat on the branch, head in his hands as tears streamed down his face.

Even unknowingly placed his foot on a thin branch. It snapped.

He took a deep breath and stood up. The height made him nauseous, but he pushed it away. He was about to let go of the trunk when the branch snapped.

"Evan!" Connor shouted.

Evan frantically grabbed onto a branch. The wood scraped against his skin, making his hands burn.

His body was on the ground, one arm bent the wrong way, blood seeping out from where the tree cut him.

He didn't move. "This was stupid," he whispered. He could barely hear his own voice over the ringing in his ears. "This was stupid, this was stupid, thiswasstupidthiswasstupidthiswasstupid."

"This was a mistake, this was a mistake, this was a mistake," he choked out, trying to keep himself conscious.

Evan clung to the branch, arms and legs wrapped around it.

"Evan," Connor said. "I'll catch you, I'm right below you, just jump."

Evan gasped, alarm and terror written all over his face.

"Don't worry," Connor reassured. "I promise."

Evan slowly unwrapped himself from the tree. Now in a sitting position, he had one arm wrapped around the base of the tree and one holding onto the branch.

His eyes met Connor's. He took a deep breath and without giving himself time to think about, pushed himself out of the tree.

He opened his mouth to scream, but no sound came out.

Connor kept his promise and caught him, although he ended up on the ground.

Evan was sobbing into his chest, his tears soaking his hoodie.

Connor tried to sit up, but Evan wasn't making it easy.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, more to himself than to Connor. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"It's alright," Connor said. "You're fine."

Evan climbed off of Connor and scooted towards the tree, leaning his back against the trunk. Tears stained his face and his most running runny. Snot covered the bottom half of his face.

He wiped his nose with his arm. He caught sight of his hands and winced. Splinters covered them and blood was starting to come out.

One by one, Evan carefully ripped them out. There were some that were too deep to get. He'd need tweezers for that.

He stared at Connor, who was standing above him.

"Are you alright?" Connor asked.

"Are you alright?!" Heidi asked as she burst into his hospital room. "I was so worried, what happened?"

Tears welled up in his eyes and he sobbed again. He buried his face in his knees, shoulders shaking.

His whole body was shaking. His chest was hurting and crying was making it worse but he couldn't stop.

"Dude." Connor kneeled next to him. "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"I. . . I fell. Out of a tree."

"I didn't fall." Evan's voice was muffled.

"What?"

"I just. . . Lost my grip."

Evan's head shot up. He gripped Connor's wrists, staring at the taller boy. "I didn't fall, Connor! Out of the tree, I didn't fall."

"What do you-" realization spread over his face. "Oh my god. . . You. . ."

"I let go." He wrapped his arms around himself, nails digging into his sleeves. "I-I just. . . I w-was so l-lonely and I-I c-couldn't help b-but think e-everyone would be better off, that I could just disappear without anyone noticing or being sad. M-my mom would be, be able to pay f-for her classes, a-and could afford a better house. She, she wouldn't have to p-pay for my medication or therapist. J-Jared w-would have better friends and wouldn't have to deal with my anxiety."

Connor sat there. "But if you did succeed," he said. "Then I. . . I wouldn't be here."

"W-what?" Evan glanced over at him.

"First day of school," Connor explained. "When I pushed you and took your letter. I was planning on killing myself."

Evan put a hand on his shoulder.

"But when you said that your timer was broken," he continued, "it gave me hope, not much but some, that we could possible be. . ."

Evan nodded, understanding what he was saying.

"But I mean, there's still a huge chance we're not," Connor went on. "I know that you said yours stopped counting when we met, but it the time could've been off. You maybe were suppose to meet them a month before meeting me, we'll never know."

Evan wrapped his arms around Connor. "We'll figure it out," he whispered. "Just not right now. I don't wanna have to worry about that when I just admitted my biggest secret that not even Jared knows."

"Wow. Not even Jared knows? I must be special."

"Well, you did kinda help me out of a tree. You deserve an explanation for why I suddenly started crying when you asked me if I was fine."

Connor chuckled. "How about some ice cream to help you calm down, huh?" he suggested.

Evan looked up at Connor. "I'd like that."

Chapter Text

"I w-wasn't scared o-of being in the tree," Evan blurted after ten minutes of silence. "I-it's just that I wondered- I thought that i-if last time, I-I wa-wanted to do it and I f-failed. I k-kept thinking that because I d-didn't wanna do it, that I w-would end up-"

A sob escaped his lips.

Connor gripped the steering wheel. "I get it, Hansen. This probably isn't going to sound reassuring, but you weren't high enough to any real damage if you did fall. Probably would've gotten a sprained ankle or wrist, but nothing major."

"I-I know," Evan sniffed. "And, and you caught me so there's that. Th-thank you, by the way."

"I wasn't going to let my only friend stay stuck in a tree or end up falling." The taller boy shrugged. "So ice cream. What flavor do you want?"

"Mint chocolate chip," Evan replied. "B-but I don't have money. A-and you paid last time, s-so it would make sense for-"

"Hansen, you just spilled your fucking guts out after nearly falling out of a tree again," Connor cut him off, "the least I can do is pay for the ice cream."

"I-I'll pay you back. . ."

"You don't have to. Besides, it's only about five bucks. What could I buy with five dollars?"

"A-a lot of things, actually," Evan pointed. "O-one time I went on a Spanish field trip w-with only five dollars a-and I was able to g-get a crepe f-from the French food booth, s-some potstickers from the Chinese food booth, a-and some other things that I can't remember."

"Must've been really cheap then."

"Y-you just need to learn how to shop. Not everything has to be expensive to be good." Evan bit his lip. "S-sorry."

Connor laughed, shaking his head. "I'll have to go shopping with you just to see how much you can buy with only ten bucks."

Evan gave a small smile. "M-maybe."

Evan sat in a booth, across from Connor. Connor had two scoops of vanilla in a cone. Evan had a bowl of mint chocolate chip, stating that it was less messier.

Connor was in the middle of telling a story about Zoe and him from his childhood.

"R-really?" Evan asked, shoving a spoonful of ice cream into his mouth.

"Yeah," Connor laughed. "After Larry left the room with the shoes and tossed them away, she carefully snuck them back, cleaned them, and handed them back to me."

"Y-you should sh-show me the routine s-sometime," Evan said. "I-if you still have tap shoes a-and remember it."

"Yeah." Connor sighed. "I just wish I could have that kind of relationship with her again. But I'm just an abusive asshole who threatens her whenever I'm high."

"I'm s-sure she cares." Evan looked at the table, rotating the bowl. "E-Even if y-you do do that, she p-probably still cares. I m-mean, you d-don't just f-forget y-years of bonding, s-she has to have some hope that you'll get better."

Connor gripped the edge of the table. "Oh yeah, she fucking loves me." His voice dropped with sarcasm. "She fucking hates me. I mean, one day I'm laughing and smiling and joking. Then a week later I'm smoking pot and pounding in her door, saying that I'm gonna kill her. But no, I'm sure she sees passed the abuse and tells herself that I'll just suddenly start smiling again, like it's a bad fucking dream."

"Y-you just need to t-to push through it, it takes perseverance. I-it just takes a little time," Evan said. "B-but she'll come around."

"I bet it takes patience too?" Evan nodded. "I don't fucking have patience. I'm just a kid who's lost control and I don't know how to get it back and it's hurting everyone around me. Even you. Don't deny it, I've seen how you react whenever I shout."

"Look." Evan grabbed Connor's hand, the one that was gripping the table. "I know that it might seem hard. Impossible even. But you just gotta stick it out. It might seem worthless and you might start doubting, but you just need to keep going. Progress is progress, no matter how small. Even if you just have one good day with her and the rest of the week doesn't go well, it's still progress."

"Where do I start?" Connor asked, taking his hand away. "I know nothing about her. When she was a kid, sure. But now? I have no fucking clue what she likes."

"M-maybe just watch a movie together, or maybe make dinner," Evan suggested. "I-it doesn't have to be big. B-baby steps, Connor. Start with dinner, then maybe l-let her paint your nails. Then try spending the day together."

Connor rolled his eyes. "Yeah sure. Like she wants to be in a five foot radius of me. But. . . I'll try I guess."

Evan smiled. "It'll be hard but trust me. It'll be worth it."

Connor licked his cone so it wouldn't dribble onto his hand and looked down at the table. He nodded.

"We should probably get going," Connor said, standing up. "Zoe doesn't have jazz band today and if she notices I'm gone, she'll flip and call our parents. She'll see my car gone and probably assume I. . . Tried again."

"Worrying's my thing Connor," Evan said. "You can't just take it."

They walked out of the building and over to Connor's SUV. Unlocking it, Connor slid into the driver's seat and Evan to the passenger's.

"How about this," Connor proposed, "I take your anxiety for the next hour and you dress all dark and scary."

"I-I don't own anything dark," Evan admitted. "Only black dress pants but those don't fit."

"Damn." Connor started the car and rolled out of the parking lot. "I was hoping we could switch places so that you could gain Zoe's trust and then we switch again and everything's a-ok."

"Th-that would never work. I would stutter and cry all the time, you would terrify my mom. Plus, you're too tall and we look nothing alike. And how would you explain to my mom that our hair is long? And how would I explain to your family how I'm suddenly shorter and have short hair."

"Tell them I've been wearing heels the whole time and that's my true height," Connor joked. "But besides all that, there's no way in hell I could be friends with Kleinman and not strangle him."

Evan faintly smiled. "Yeah. That would end badly."

In ten minutes, they were in Evan's driveway. Evan quickly got out of the car, not wanting Connor to be late and get in trouble.

Connor, however, decided to walk Evan to the porch.

Evan was standing in the doorway. He looked over at the living room, seeing their abandoned board game. "We never finished," Evan whispered.

"I think it's safe to say that you won," Connor said. "I mean, you stole Boardwalk from me so." He shrugged.

"Yeah. . ."

Even hovered in the doorway for a second before turning around to close it, saying "Bye."

"Wait!" Connor stuck his foot in front of the door.

Evan opened the door again. "Yeah?" he questioned.

"I um. . ." Connor scratched the back of his neck. "I was wondering if you wanted to. . . Go out. . . Sometime?"

Evan stared at the long haired boy in bewilderment. "L-like a date?"

"I mean, sure." Connor shrugged. "I guess. Yeah."

"W-well I-I uh." Evan looked at his shoes, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. His face was bright red and his heart was pounding.

Connor shook his head. "Never mind, forget it." He turned around and walked down the porch.

"S-sure," Evan answered.

Connor turned around, surprised. "Really? How's Friday? Seven P.M.?"

"M-my mom d-doesn't w-work on fri-Friday. S-she took it o-off s-so we're g-gonna spend t-time with each oth-other," Evan said. "H-how about S-Saturday?"

"That works."

Silence fell between them. And it was beyond awkward.

Evan stood there, hands on the door and staring at the floor. Connor had his hands shoved in his pockets, obviously uncomfortable.

"W-well see y-you th-then."

Evan shut the door, leaning against it and sliding down.

His hands went to his hair. His fingers curled around some strands and he pulled.

"Oh my god," Evan whispered as realization flooded in.

He had a date. With Connor Murphy.

Chapter Text

Evan paced in his room, trying not to tear a hole in his new shirt due to fiddling with it.

When Evan told Heidi about his date, she went shopping for a nice shirt. She spent the past hour talking about how happy she was for him.

He had no idea what Connor was planning. Connor kept insisting it was a surprise.

He found himself in the bathroom, making sure his hair was good and that he hasn't already put a bunch of holes in his shirt.

He double checked that his phone was charged in case anything were to happen, although that was unlikely.

Evan checked the time. It was 7:05.

Oh god.

It was only five minutes past seven, but Evan had started freaking out. What if this was a joke and Connor told Jared about it so he set up cameras in his house and was watching him? What if Connor decided to bail on him because he realized he didn't like him anymore? What if-

The doorbell rang.

Evan ran down the stairs, skipping every other step. He tripped.

He grabbed the railing, groaning as his body was thrown against it.

"Note to self," he mumbled, "one stair at a time."

He fixed his shirt, smoothing out the wrinkles, and walked to the door. He slid his shoes on, looking through the peephole to make sure it was Connor and not someone else.

He turned the doorknob, letting the door fly open and he bent down to tie his shoes.

He sprung up and faced Connor. "H-hi."

"Hey," Connor replied. His gaze traveled up at down, taking in Evan's appearance. "You look nice."

Evan blushed, fiddling with his fingers. "Th-thanks. Y-you look nice too."

Evan stepped out of the house, closing and locking the door behind him.

Connor lead him to his car and opened the passenger side for Evan.

Evan blushed as he slipped into the car. "Y-you didn't have to do that," he said.

"I may be an ass," Connor admitted, "but I do know how to be a gentleman believe it or not."

Evan giggled quietly as Connor closed the door and moved to the other side.

"So w-where are we going?" Evan asked as Connor started the car.

"Well, I figured that we'd go see a movie," explained Connor, "then go have dinner. So don't ruin your appetite on popcorn and twizzlers."

"I'll try not to." Evan smiled. "Wh-what movie are we seeing?"

"Well, there aren't any "romantic" movies playing right now, so I thought why not see Wonder Woman."

Evan lit up. "I've always wanted to see that!" He bounced lightly in his seat like a toddler who just saw Santa. Except Evan was terrified of Santa as a child. "I've heard it's really good."

"Well, then it seems like I made the right choice. I preordered the tickets so we'd have to see it anyways."

"When does it start?"

"7:40." Connor pulled out of the driveway. "I figured you might want to be early so we don't miss any of it. It's a ten minute drive, so we'll have twenty minutes to get drinks and popcorn and find our seats. Also when I checked out the seats, it seemed like not a lot of people will be there."

"Th-that's good." Evan scratched his arm. He scanned Connor's outfit, feeling self-conscious. "I feel overdressed. . ."

"Why?" Connor glanced at him.

The shorter boy sighed. "It's just. . . My mom got me this nice shirt and so of course I had to wear it otherwise that would've wasted money. And you're wearing just a shirt, jacket, and jeans."

"Evan, believe it or not," Connor started, "these are the nicest clothes I have. So don't worry."

"R-really?"

Connor nodded.

He turned into the parking lot of the movie theater. He managed to find a parking space close to the entrance. The parking lot was surprisingly not as full as it usually is on weekends.

Turning off the car, Connor and Evan slid out of their seats.

"Ready?" Connor asked.

"Yeah." Evan nodded.

After the movie-which was fantastic-Connor took Evan to Red Lobster.

Evan kept sneaking glances at Connor from over his menu, blushing whenever he was caught. He would bury himself into the menu, like he was studying and not understanding the material.

The waiter came over five minutes later, asking for their orders.

"I'll have the shrimp linguini alfredo," Connor said, handing the waiter his menu.

"And you sir?" the waiter asked, turning to Evan.

Evan tensed, face turning red and palms starting to sweat. "I-I'll have the uh th-the snow c-crabs legs," he mumbled, looking at his lap.

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

"He'll have the snow crab legs," Connor rescued.

The waiter nodded and wrote it down, taking Evan's menu and walking away.

Evan sighed, putting his arms on the table, burying his face in them.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"What for?" Connor asked.

Evan lifted his head. "Y-you keep ha-having to o-order for m-me. I-I'm se-seventeen, I should b-be able to d-do that w-without freak-freaking out."

"Hey." Connor reached over, putting his hand on Evan's elbow. It was an awkward angle. "It's fine. Remember what you told me? It takes time to get better and that progress is progress. And you've made progress. A few weeks ago, you couldn't even look at the cashier at A La Mode and today you actually managed to tell the waiter your order. Sure, he didn't hear you but still."

Evan sniffed and sat up straight, putting his hands in his lap. "Y-yeah." He smiled. "Y-you're right."

By the time their food got there, Connor was talking about how he would tell jokes all the time as a kid.

"I loved the chicken jokes," he said. "The ones where it's crossing the road. I had so many of those."

"Can I hear one?" Evan asked, cracking a crab leg.

"Sure. Why did the rooster cross the road?" Evan shrugged. "To prove he wasn't chicken."

Evan snickered. Then laughed. "Oh my god. That's so terrible that it's good."

"I don't understand how my family survived those jokes." Connor sipped his water. "They were, and still are, shit."

Connor pulled into Evan's driveway, putting the car in park.

They stepped out. Connor walked Evan to the front door.

"I uh. . ." Evan looked at his shoes. "I had fun tonight." He looked up and saw Connor blushing.

"I did too," Connor said. He rubbed the back of his neck, not making eye contact. "We uh, we'll have to do this again sometime."

"Y-yeah." Evan nodded. "I-I'd like that."

Evan's heart started beating faster as they stood there. Without thinking, Evan stepped towards Connor and placed a kiss on his cheek.

Connor stood there, eyes wide and speechless, as Evan muttered, "Bye" and slammed the door.

Evan leaned against the door, hands buried in his hair. He slid down the door, legs pulled up to his chest.

What was I thinking? Why did I do that? He hates me now. But isn't that what people do after dates? Not first dates though. God I messed it up!

Evan stood up, trying to control his breathing. He opened the door, preparing to apologize, but Connor was gone and his car was pulling out of his driveway.

Chapter Text

Evan walked through the crowded school halls, textbooks and notebooks clutched to his chest. His eyes scanned the crowd, trying to find Connor. He huffed and pushed his way through, throwing out quiet apologizes whenever someone bumped into him.

Ever since the date, things have been kind of tense between Evan and Connor.

They aren't avoiding each other, but they're not making efforts to hang out outside of school. They talk before and after classes and during lunch, but it's short and awkward.

Evan bumped shoulders with someone as he squeezed through the crowd.

"S-sorry," he mumbled, looking over his shoulder at the person. The person had their hair in a bun.

Evan stopped. He knew that hair.

"Connor!" Evan called out, turning around and charging into the crowd again. "Connor w-wait. Pl-please!"

It was pretty easy getting to the tall boy, as most students were scared of him and moved out of the way whenever he walked by.

Connor stopped and turned around. He shoved a hand in his hoodie pocket.

"What, Hansen?" he asked, casting an annoyed look Evan's way.

"I-I need t-to talk to you," Evan said. "A-about the, uh the date."

Connor's expression hardened, his jaw clenching. "What about it?"

"I-I just. . ." Evan's gaze dropped to his feet and he played with the loose thread on his shirt. "I w-wanted to say-"

"Just spit it out, Hansen," Connor snapped. Evan flinched and closed his eyes, holding his breath. Connor stared at Evan. "Wait a minute. You regret it, don't you?"

Evan's eyes snapped open. "N-no that's not-"

"You didn't want to go on the date, did you?" Connor accused, taking a small step toward the anxious teen. "You probably lied about liking me, huh? This was just a lie, right? Did you plan on telling Kleinman so that he could tell the whole school? So that everyone can see how much of a freak I am?"

"C-Connor that's-"

Connor was right in Evan's face, spewing things that weren't true.

"How could I actually believe that someone liked me," Connor whispered. "How could I actually think that someone wanted to spend time with me. How could I believe that I might actually have a soulmate."

"Connor. . ."

Evan reached out, placing a hand on Connor's shoulder. Connor stepped back.

"Just go," he muttered, holding his arms close to his body. "I just. . . Don't be surprised if I'm not at school for a while."

Evan's eyes darted to Connor's arms.

"W-wait!" Evan exclaimed, jogging to catch up with Connor's fast pace.

"Just leave me alone, Hansen!" Connor yelled. "Go find Kleinman and talk about how much of a freak I am. Just. . . Let me be."

Evan stopped walking, making people bump into him. He landed on the ground, arms breaking most of his fall.

He watched Connor, not taking his eyes off of him until his body disappeared.

Evan sat at the lunch table, arms folded on the table and head buried in them.

Jared leaned over and took a Cheeto from Evan's lunch.

"Let me get this straight," Jared said. "You went on a date with Connor and after trying to explain that you didn't mean to kiss him, he freaked out?"

Evan nodded. "I-I'm w-worried about him."

"Why?" Jared questioned.

"He, he said something that alarmed me and I'm scared he might. . ." His voice trailed off as he raised his head.

"You're scared he might what? Kill himself?"

"Y-yeah."

"Wouldn't be surprised."

"Jared!" Evan exclaimed. "That's rude."

"Well I mean, you're dating the living embodiment of a Hot Topic store," Jared said. "So it wouldn't be too surprising if it happened."

"I just, I really need to talk to him," Evan said, ignoring Jared's comment. "But I can't skip school and after school might be too late."

Evan ended up walking twenty minutes to the Murphy's house. Or rather, he ran. It would've taken him less time but he didn't remember the directions and had to rely on familiar sights.

Evan wiped his forehead and leaned against the front door to catch his breath. Standing up straight, he rang the doorbell.

What if I'm too late? What if no one's home except for Connor but I'll never know because he wasn't able to get the door. What if-

Cynthia stood in the doorway. "Oh hello Evan." She smiled. "Connor's in his room. But be careful, he's not too happy."

"Th-thanks." Evan stepped into the house, quickly removing his shoes and bounding up the stairs to Connor's room.

Evan slowed down as he got closer. Loud music could be heard from the other side of the door. Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door.

Biting his lip, Evan slowly pushed the door open, bracing himself for the worst.

What he didn't expect to see was a wet, shirtless Connor standing in the middle of the room.

They locked eyes for a second before Connor started shouting at him to get out.

Face burning, Evan slammed the door and leaned against the wall. He put his face in his hands, trying to calm down.

The image of what just happened was burned into his mind. Connor shirtless, water dripping down his back and chest, towel draped over his neck.

Evan's face burned more. Could you actually get a burn from blushing too hard?

The door opened, revealing a fully dressed Connor. Evan avoided eye contact, feeling Connor's gaze burn into Evan's head.

"I-I'm sorry," Evan whispered. "I-I d-did knock b-but y-your music was r-really loud so I just- I decided to g-go in. I h-had no idea y-you were. . ."

"Why are you here?"

Evan looked over at the long-haired boy for a second before averting his gaze back to the floor. "I-I j-just wanted to make s-sure you didn't. . ." The rest of the sentence was incoherent.

"Repeat that?" Connor asked, leaning against the wall and holding onto the towel on his neck.

"W-well after w-what happened a-at school I-I thought that y-you were g-gonna." Evan gestured to his arms.

"You thought I was gonna kill myself?" Evan nodded. Connor grabbed Evan's wrist and pulled him into the bedroom.

"I-I wanted to m-make sure that y-you were alright." Evan sat on Connor's bed, looking at him to make sure it was ok. "A-and I c-came t-to say I w-wasn't lying a-about l-liking y-you. Which is weird considering that I'm a compulsive liar and I lie constantly so that people don't worry about me and so I'm not a burden or troubling them with my problems when they're really busy or have better things to do or have better friends to talk to. And not that liking you is weird, I'm not saying that I just-"

"Well if you're not lying, then what were you going to say back there?" Connor asked, sitting next to Evan.

"B-back there? Oh, you mean at school." Connor rolled his eyes. "I-I was gonna say sorry. For uh, for kissing you. I didn't mean to, we keep saying we're gonna wait until we figure the soulmate thing out and then I just kiss you and now I don't know what we are. I mean, I'm pretty sure friends don't kiss each other on the cheek or go on dates. So, what are we?"

Connor looked at the ground. "Evan," he said. "I don't. . . I don't want to wait until it's figured out."

"W-what?"

"I don't want to wait until we find out if we're soulmates. Because what if we never find out? What then?"

"B-but what about w-what others will think?" Evan asked.

"Fuck what they think, it's our life."

Connor looked over at Evan, who was staring back.

Connor's face turned red, his heart beating quickly. His eyes flickered down to Evan's lips. Then back to his eyes. He leaned in, his lips brushing against Evan's.

When he pulled away, Evan was bright red. His chest was rising up and down fast.

"We'll figure it out."

Chapter Text

Evan sat under a tree at the orchard, head resting on Connor's shoulder. Evan was picking at the grass and taking in the gorgeous scene displayed in front of him. It was the beginning of spring, so the flowers were blooming and trees were getting their bright green leaves back.

Connor was sitting cross-legged, back against the tree. He glanced at a nearby flower as his dull pencil danced across the notebook in his lap. He's been sketching the field in front of him for the past three hours. Around two in the afternoon, he got lonely and asked Evan to call.

Evan being Evan, he decided to make the afternoon romantic and brought a picnic basket, but since they weren't hungry at the moment they hadn't eaten anything yet.

Connor looked over at Evan. He was scrolling through his Instagram feed. He stopped on a picture of him and Connor of them smiling at each other and playing Monopoly. It was on Jared's account. They've only played Monopoly once, how long had Jared had that picture?

'These 2 are so in love im gonna barf,' the caption read.

Evan blushed and rolled his eyes as he liked the post.

"We should probably eat the food now," Evan said. "I don't want it to go to waste."

"Because we all know how much you slaved to make it," Connor joked. "Nothing's going to go bad."

"Your turkey sandwich might."

Connor sat up straight. "Holy shit, you made me a turkey sandwich?" he asked. "I haven't had meat in months because of Cynthia."

"I know." Evan opened the basket, taking out paper plates. "That's why I made it." He handed Connor his sandwich, which was wrapped in a plastic bag. He set a water bottle next to himself and a can on Mountain Dew next to Connor.

"Aw you remembered my favorite drink," Connor teased, cracking open the soda.

"To be honest," Evan started, unwrapping his own sandwich of peanut butter and apple jelly, "I didn't know it was your favorite, it was the only soda in the fridge and I kinda knew you wouldn't want water."

"Oh. Well, thanks anyways." Connor shrugged, taking a long sip from the can.

Evan reached into the basket, looking for the bags of chips. Instead, he pulled out a bag of fruit snacks. Ninja Turtle fruit snacks specifically.

"I don't. . ." Evan's eyebrows furrowed. ". . . What? I don't remember putting these in there. I must've knocked them into the basket by accident. I don't like these, here."

He flung them over to Connor, who stared at the bag. "I'll give them to Zoe," he said. "She's always loved Ninja Turtle fruit snacks."

Evan lifted an eyebrow. "You remember that but you don't remember her birthday?" he asked.

"I'm trying, ok?" Connor crossed his arms, fingers gripping his arms tightly. "And I've never been good with birthdays. And she would eat the fruit snacks everyday until she turned fourteen, of course I'd remember that. Whereas a birthday only happens once a year. Which are you gonna forget; a birthday that's once a year, or the fact that your sister eats fruit snacks everyday?"

"Good point." Evan bit into his sandwich.

After they officially got together, Connor's been trying to be a better brother and son. Key word trying. He still yells a lot and uses drugs, but he's getting better.

After a week of attempting to be nicer, Larry had asked Connor about it and Connor took it the wrong way. The fight ended with name-calling, a packed bag, and ranting in Evan's room until midnight. The next day Connor apologized, surprising everyone, including himself.

Connor bit into his sandwich, moaning in delight as his taste buds hit the slightly warm and squashed sandwich.

Evan stared at his boyfriend, watching him devour his sandwich. The smile quickly faded into a frown when Connor started coughing. His breaths and gasps got shorter and he put his hands on his collar bone.

Evan dropped his sandwich and raced over to Connor and proceeded to do the Heimlich maneuver.

Connor eventually coughed up what was making him choke. It was a piece of bread.

They sat there, Connor catching his breath and Evan rubbing curled on Connor's back.

"Eat slower," Evan whispered. "I don't want you dying."

"Noted." Connor pushed his plate away. "I don't think I'm hungry anymore."

Evan nodded and put the player and empty soda can into the basket. He picked up his now dirt and grass covered sandwich and threw it into the basket.

They fell into a comfortable silence.

Connor's fingers accidentally brushed against his timer, making Connor's breath catch in his throat. He stared down at it, suddenly wishing his had his hoodie so he could cover it up alone with his fading scars.

He's been trying to stop. Not for himself, or for his family. But so that Evan would stop constantly worrying about him.

He's had slip ups where the day was just too much to handle-whether its school, Larry spitting bullshit at him, whatever it was, he just had to do something.

He's a month clean and the look of pure joy on Evan's face when he told him was burned in his mind, making his heart clench whenever he thought about it. If he was that happy when he was just a month clean, then Connor wondered how happy he'd be when he was a year clean.

He shivered as the light breeze sent goosebumps down his arms. He crossed his arms, rubbing his hands up and down to keep warm. He really wished for his hoodie now.

Connor sighed, looking down at his lap, eyes burning into the timer.

Without thinking, he dug his nails into the edges of the timer. He quietly hissed in pain as his nails broke through the skin.

Evan looked over and tore Connor's hand away from his wrist. "Don't!" he exclaimed. "What are you doing? You'll hurt yourself."

Damn it, I just had to break my streak. He looks so fucking disappointed. You did this Connor, you did this.

Connor sighed, covering the timer. He brushed his hair out of his face.

Evan grasped his wrist, ignoring the fact that his own hand might be sweaty. "What's wrong?"

"It's just. . . The whole soulmate thing," Connor explained. "I'm Connor Murphy, the supposedly 'school shooter', I shouldn't give a damn what others think. I shouldn't care if it's frowned upon if your with someone who isn't your soulmate. But I do. I do. I'm not sorry that we're dating, I fucking love it. But Larry always told me I'm not allowed to fall in love with someone who isn't my soulmate. And I'm scared-no terrified-that if we're not soulmates that you'll hate me. My family already hates me, I can't handle anyone else hating me for something I have no control over!"

Connor yanked his hand away from Evan, bringing it up to his hair, pulling it lightly.

Evan moved his hands away and cupped his cheeks. He leaned in, placing a kiss on Connor's lips. "Hey," said Evan softly, leaning his forehead on Connor's. "Let me tell you something. I could never hate you. You know why? I'll always love you, even if we're not soulmates."

Connor smiled at Evan, pulling him in for a hug.

He glared at the timer, at the cracks, at the scars surrounding it. The red flashed up at him, like a clock that hasn't been set. God he hated that shade of red now.

Anger flared through him. He wasn't angry at the timer, he'd come to terms a long time ago that it would always be flashing. He was angry at Larry, for coming up with an excuse that it was somehow Connor's fault that it was broken. He was mad at Zoe for suggesting that maybe his soulmate was dead, or somehow found out they were destined to be with Connor and decided to kill themselves. He was mad at Cynthia for trying to be understanding, even though she could have no possible way of knowing how Connor felt.

He was mad at himself. He sometimes wondered that if he hadn't attempted to remove the timer, maybe, just maybe, it would've started counting down. That maybe he would've found his soulmate. That maybe he wouldn't be as depressed.

But then he probably wouldn't have met Evan.

Evan was resting his head on Connor's shoulder again, arms wrapped tightly around his waist, a smile on his lips.

"I love you," Evan whispered into his ear.

"I know," Connor whispered back.

Evan pulled away and laughed, his head thrown back. "We were having a moment," Evan said in between laughs, "and you ruin it with Star Wars references."

Connor smiled and placed a kiss on his forehead. The short blond blushed and buried his face in Connor's shirt.

Connor put his hand on Evan's back.

Soulmate or not, with Evan, Connor could smile and be happy without it being a lie. And that's all he needed.

Chapter Text

Wow. It's been 4 years since I finished this story. I can't believe how many views it's gotten. It's really unbelievable guys and I really want to thank you.

Anyway, onto the main reason I'm making this note. I've been re-reading the comments (I love them so much) and I was struck with the idea of editing this story. But as I re-read some of the chapters and got ideas for edits, I realized that what I wanted to do would change the plots of the chapters.

Seeing as how I have improved so much in my writing and I have recently rejoined the Dear Evan Hansen fandom (thanks to the movie coming out), I have decided to completely re-write it instead. The plot will remain the same (although this time I'll probably include the alternate chapter "The Truth" that I had cut out from the original story), and the changes will mostly involve the characters and how they interact with each other.

I really don't know how long it'll take me since I'm writing another fanfic and I now have a full time job but I'll be posting it as a new work, so if you aren't still subscribed to the series and you want to read the new version, then please do so. When I do upload the new version, I'll delete this chapter and upload a new one with a link to it.

Thank you so much for all the support over the years. Remember that all that matters is to just be yourself, and in the words of Ben Platt himself, "The things that make you strange are the things that make you powerful."

~ Kenny