Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Connor got the idea on accident. It was a little ironic, because in that moment he had been trying to not be completely selfish and actually do “the right thing” for once in his life. However, he wasn’t going to dismiss it once he thought it up. It wasn’t like there was a line between the right thing and the right thing for Connor’s personal gain.

They were in the computer lab. Connor was only there because he had seen Evan Hansen walk in and doubted that anyone else was there. He had entered to apologize, or at least attempt an apology. He hadn’t meant to yell at Evan Hansen or to shove him, and while Connor didn’t exactly feel bad he could recognize that it was a dick move and he probably freaked the poor kid out. 

So he found Evan, who still seemed significantly freaked out. Then again, Connor was pretty sure that this kid always looked on the edge for hyperventilating. Connor had no clue where he got the energy.

Evan immediately told him it was alright. Whether he meant it or not, Connor’s mission was complete and he could go back to not interacting with anyone in his hell of a high school. However, he felt a need to ease the jittery tension Evan seemed to build around them. So he kept talking. After awkwardly signing Evan’s cast, Connor was pretty sure he had earned enough brownie points for one day. 

It was when they were walking out of the computer lab that Connor heard some stupid underclassman make a stupid gay joke in a stupidly loud voice. It started Evan. Connor just rolled his eyes and flipped off the direction of the offense. 

He was turning away from Evan when the idea popped into his head.

Like most impulsive actions Connor committed, his underline motivator was pissing off his family. Not his parents and Zoe per say, but Connor new that the majority of the annoying relatives his mother insisted on keeping in touch with were exceedingly homophobic. It’s what happens when you’re also exceedingly religious and bigoted. If Connor announced at their next family gathering that he had a boyfriend, he was pretty sure he’d give someone a heart attack.

His father probably (unfortunately) would not get a heart attack. However, it would make him exceedingly uncomfortable and he wouldn’t be able to say anything about it because he’d be too busy trying to be supportive. His mother would probably be happy, aside from the embarrassment that Connor would cause her to the rest of their family. She would just be glad the their was someone who actually wanted to spend time with her son.

Zoe would be jealous. Not of Connor, but of the fact that he was actually able to get a boy to date him, while she had spent the past year not being able to work up the courage to ask Alana Beck out. 

Honestly, aside from the homophobic comments he knew he’d have to suffer through in the hall, it would probably help him look better at school as well. Most of his peers thought Connor was either a waste of space or one joint away from shooting up the school. If his peers thought that the kid who seemed like he was scared of his shadow could see the good in him, then maybe they’d give him the benefit of the doubt. 

All in all, there was only one problem. Connor knew he would be a shit boyfriend. There was no way in hell he would be able to get Evan Hansen to go out with a fuck up like him, and even if he agreed to that he’d probably dumb Connor’s ass in less than a week. 

He needed a way around his own incompetence.

Like most other times he’s tried to do this, Connor realized the only solution was to lie.

It was easy to find Evan Hansen the next day. Connor was never good at assessing the people around him, so he couldn’t tell if Evan was the sort to blend into the wall or stick out like a sore thumb. Maybe it was just easy for Connor to pick out the only other loner.

The back of the library was usually empty before classes start. In his freshman year Connor used to hide here too. Now he pretended not to care if people stared at him. 

Evan’s attention was too fixed on an open text book to notice Connor walking up to him. Connor coughed to announce his presence. Evan’s head jerked up, startled.

“Hey,” Connor slid into the chair across from him. 

“Oh! Hi, Connor!” Evan stammered. “Um, I can leave if you wanted to—”

“Actually, I wanted to talk to you,” Connor blurted.

“Really?” Evan looked surprised and borderline uncomfortable..

“Yeah,” Connor confirmed.

“Um, okay,” Evan closed the text book, his eyes didn’t leave it’s cover. “What, er, what about?”

Connor had no idea how to ask Evan to pretend to be his boyfriend. What had made him think that he could just go up to this kid and ask? Evan looked like he expected Connor to punch him. In Evan’s defense, that probably made more sense than what Connor really wanted from him.

“Did you study for that Bio test?” Connor wasn’t completely sure where that question came from. 

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. “Do you want to see my notes?”

No, Connor didn’t. He didn’t give a shit about their Biology class. But at least he was talking to Evan. That might be a good start. 

“If you don’t mind,” he answered. 

“No, it’s no problem,” Evan tugged the zipper of his backpack open and started rummaging through it. “Sorry, I have it here.”

Evan dropped an open composition book onto the desk. Connor’s eyes scanned neatly printed hand writing and words that didn’t make any sense to him.

“Yeah, I don’t understand any of this,” he sighed.

“It’s kinda complicated,” Evan said sheepishly.

“I don’t pay attention,” Connor added.

“I know.” Evan’s eyes widened. “I mean—sorry! That was mean, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just, I can see you sleeping from my seat—Not that I’m watching you—oh, god that sounds so creepy—”

“Hansen,” Connor said slowly, trying to cut off the rambling.

“Sorry!” Evan chirped.

“It’s fine,” Connor felt his lips turn up in a smile. “Your desk is behind mine, right?”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. 

Connor brought his gaze back to the notebook. He could tell how uneasy his presence was making Evan, but he wasn’t sure if this was just how Evan was with everyone or if this was because it was Connor. Loner or not, Evan had to have heard some of the rumors about Connor circulating the school. Last he checked, only half of them were true. 

“Damn, you take a lot of notes,” Connor observed, flipping through the pages of Evan’s composition book.

“Yeah,” Evan stammered. “I, um, I like science.”

“Really?” Connor asked dryly. “I get bored as fuck.”

“When you’re not asleep?” Evan tried to joke.

“Yeah,” Connor laughed. 

“Are there classes you like?” Evan asked him. “Not that there has to be or anything…”

“English kind of,” Connor shrugged. “I like to read.”

“Really?”

“Is it that surprising?” Connor asked back, narrowing his eyes.

Great. The one person who was probably as much of a loser as he is still judged him. That was just perfect. 

“No,” Evan exclaimed. “No, I didn’t mean—”

“It’s fine,” Connor rolls his eyes. “Everyone thinks I’m a fucking idiot.”

Of course Evan Hansen wouldn’t be any different.

“I don’t,” Evan tried.

“Sure, Hansen,” Connor said sarcastically.

“I mean it!” Evan nearly shouted. “I’m sorry!”

Connor was being too defensive. He was freaking Evan out. This was not at all how this was supposed to go. 

“No, it’s okay,” he sighed. 

“Most of the people here are idiots,” Evan stated in a small voice.

“Wow, Hansen,” Connor smirked. “Didn’t think you had that in you.”

“It’s true,” Evan said sheepishly.

“I know,” Connor grinned. 

Evan seemed to relax a little at that.

“You can hold on to this,” Evan slid the notebook closer to Connor. “I think I know all of it, and studying last minute kinda stresses me out.”

Connor slid the book back.

“That wasn’t really what I wanted to talk to you about,” he admitted.

“Oh, um, okay.” Evan said unsurely. “Shoot?”

Connor took a breath. There wasn’t really a smooth way to say this.

“Evan Hansen, will you pretend to go out with me?”

Chapter Text

“What?” Evan blinked at Connor.

He had to have heard that wrong. There is no way Connor Murphy just asked him that. This isn’t real, right?

“Let me explain,” Connor started.

“You want me to pretend to be your boyfriend?” Evan asked dumbly, waiting for Connor to deny it.

“Okay, yeah,” Connor said sheepishly. “That’s pretty much the gist of it.”

Connor’s making fun of him. That has to be it. Evan wills away the sense of disappointment. Of course Connor didn’t actually want to talk to him.

“I should get to class,” Evan stood up, shoving the books into his bag.

He tried not to run, but he felt himself nervously skidding out of the library. The other students trying to study gave him annoyed looks when he hurried past them. He tried to be quiet.

“Hansen, wait!” Connor made no effort to soften his voice.

Evan stopped in the middle of the hall. He might as well get this over with.

“This is a joke right?” He heard himself stammer at Connor.

“What?” Connor questioned.

“You’re messing with me,” Evan continued. “That’s why you’re talking to me in the first place.”

“No,” Connor started.

“It’s not funny,” Evan told him, making his voice as stern as he could.

“I’m not messing with you!” Connor shouted.

Evan heard whispering behind him. People were staring. He could feel people staring. He really wanted to run away. He watched Connor glance around. He stepped closer to Evan.

“Hear me out, please?” His voice was softer. He was trying not to be overheard.

“Um, okay, I guess,” Evan nodded. If he didn’t agree Connor would probably just follow him and start yelling again. He couldn’t deal with that today.

“I’m probably as much of an outcast as you are, if this is a joke who else is gonna laugh at you?” Connor pointed out.

That was a fair point. Evan did think that Connor was the least likely to target him. Then again, Connor had pushed him in the hall. He wasn’t exactly the embodiment of the word nice.

“Why else would you ask me out?” Evan asked back.

“I’m not asking you out,” Connor stressed.

“But you just said—”

“Do people mess with you a lot?” Connor asked suddenly.

Yes.

“No,” Evan shook his head.

Connor gave him a knowing look. He didn’t believe that for a second.

“Not a lot,” Evan tried. “Sometimes.”

“And you just stand there and take it because you don’t have any friends to stand up for you,” Connor summed up.

That hurt. Sure, it was true. It was completely true, but Evan didn’t need Connor telling him it.

“Leave me alone,” he heard himself utter. He turned away.

“Wait,” Connor ran in front of him. “That wasn’t supposed to sound like that.”

“Right,” Evan scoffed. It fell flat.

“What I’m trying to say is I don’t either,” Connor babbled. “People think there’s something wrong with me, my family thinks I’m useless, and I’m willing to bet that’s what your life looks like too.”

“It’s kinda unhealthy to think your problems will go away if you have a boyfriend,” Evan meekly commented

“Yeah, who shoved that wise shit down your throat?” Connor laughed.

“My therapist,” Evan admitted.

Connor chuckled.

“Shut up,” Evan hissed.

“I’m not laughing at you,” Connor blurted. Evan didn’t understand how that worked. “I’m just saying. If people think we’re dating, maybe they’ll leave us alone.”

“But you don’t actually want to date me?” Evan tried to clarify.

“Hansen, I’d probably be the shittiest boyfriend in the history of shitty boyfriends,” Connor said dryly.

At least he had the decency not to say it was because he would never want to date someone like Evan. Who would want to date someone like Evan?

“All I’m saying,” Connor seemed to take the silence as a good sign. “Is I can get people to stop picking on you if you can get my parents off my back and my relatives to think I’m some gay freak of nature.”

“Are you?” Evan asked without thinking. “Gay, I mean—Not a freak, sorry.”

He’d heard Jared call Connor both on more than one occasion, and doubted that he was the only person doing so.

“Yeah,” Connor stated.

“Okay,” Evan wasn’t sure what else to say.

“Is that a problem?” Connor crossed his arms, his eyes narrowing at Evan.

“No,” Evan shook his head. “No, it’s not, sorry, I didn’t mean—”

“Hansen,” Connor cut him off.

“Yeah?”

“This time I am messing with you,” he admitted.

“You’re really not funny,” Evan sighed.

“I know,” Connor smirked.

This didn’t feel like a good idea, but something was telling him that Connor wasn’t lying. Connor was right that he didn’t gain anything from messing with Evan. But maybe they could both gain something from Connor’s crazy question.

“You can’t get people to stop bothering me,” Evan told him in a small voice.

“Sure I can,” Connor shrugs. “Half this school thinks I’m gonna pull a knife on them.”

Evan imagined the nameless peers who shoved past him in the halls being afraid of Connor—he imagined them being afraid of him. That sounded lonely, probably just as lonely as being looked over.

“That must suck,” Evan said sympathetically.

“It does,” Connor looked at the ground.

“Can I tell people?” Evan asked.

“That I have a knife?” Connor glanced up.

“No,” Evan laughed. “About the fake dating. Or, I guess I’d say that it’s real.”

“So you’re in?” Connor grinned.

“Maybe, I don’t know,” Evan stammered. “My mom might be less worried.”

“Same would mine,” Connor added.

“But we’re not even friends,” Evan reminded him. He’d only talked to Connor yesterday despite being in the same school as him for ages.

“I don’t have any friends,” Connor said stonily.

Connor knew Evan didn’t either. Probably everyone who actually acknowledged his existence did. Connor was right, maybe at least looking like he had someone would make things easier. His mom would be proud of him. She’d probably spend less of her time trying to get him to make friends. That alone was worth trying this.

“So,” Evan cleared his throat. “How would this work?”

“Is that a yes?” Connor asked.

“Sure,” Evan shrugged. “Why not?”

He didn’t have anything to loose.

“Great,” Connor fished his cellphone out of his pocket. “Here, I’ll give you my number.”

Chapter Text

Evan didn’t see Connor for the rest of the day. He was almost starting to doubt that their conversation that morning hadn’t even happened. However, the phone number now plugged into his contacts stopped him from fearing that his brain hallucinated it all.

He wasn’t sure what Connor expected them to do now. Connor hadn’t exactly been clear on that much. That’s why Evan was surprised when his phone started ringing at five thirty that afternoon.

“Okay, I need a favor,” Connor didn’t bother with saying hello.

“Connor, can you please not just randomly call me,” Evan stuttered into the phone.

“I said I need a favor,” Connor repeated.

“I heard you.”

“So it’s not random,” he explained.

“Oh, right,” Evan uttered. “Okay, yeah, I’ll give you that.”

“Are you hyperventilating?” Connor’s tone changed slightly.

“No,” Evan lied.

“Don’t like phone calls then?” Connor asked after a second’s hesitation. 

“Yeah,” Evan admitted in a small voice.

“Sorry.”

“No, it’s fine,” he stammered. “I’m sorry.”

“Can I borrow you for a hour or so?” Connor asked. 

“What does that even mean?” Evan asked back.

“Well, for normal people it would mean a date,” Connor said awkwardly. 

“Oh.” That made sense. “Yeah, um, sure.”

Evan didn’t want to go out, but he had finished his homework, so it wasn’t like he had anything else to do. 

“Great,” Connor sounded like he was walking. “Send me directions to your house.”

“I could just meet you somewhere if that’s easier,” Evan suggested.

“I’m trying to be chivalrous,” Connor deadpanned.

“Right,” Evan muttered.

“Text me the directions,” Connor instructed again. “I’m leaving my house now.”

“Okay,” Evan was able to get out before Connor hung up. 

Evan sent the directions. Connor responded that he should be there in fifteen minutes. That gave Evan fifteen minutes to figure out how he was going to survive a fake date with Connor Murphy.

It was a fake date, but everyone else was supposed to think it was a real date. Did that mean that Evan should be treating it like a real date? Connor kinda was, by picking him up from his house at least. Did Connor expect him to change his clothes? Was that what people did for dates? If Evan was wearing the same thing would it look like he wasn’t trying?

Evan needed help, and he didn’t exactly have a large pool of people to ask. That was how he ended up Skype calling Jared.

“Lemme get this straight,” Jared was gaping at him through the computer screen. “You’re going on a date?”

Why did Evan think Jared would be any help?

“Yes,” he confirmed for the third time. “But I don’t know if I’m supposed to change my clothes or not, and he’s going to be here in fifteen minutes, and I don’t—”

“You’re going on a date with a guy?” Jared exclaimed.

“Yes,” Evan mumbled.

“Holy shit!” Jared shook his head slowly.

“Jared—” 

“Holy fucking shit,” he emphasized each word.

“Stop it,” Evan groaned. 

He couldn’t deal with this right now. His nerves were already rattling him, the last thing he needed was for Jared to make a big deal about this and give Evan second thoughts. Why did he think pretending he was dating a guy was going to make him more normal? Connor made him forget every internal pep talk about waiting until after high school to come out, and it took this long for Evan to realize. 

“I’m impressed,” Jared stated.

“You’re laughing at me,” Evan pointed out.

“In an impressed way,” Jared argued. “I thought it would take at least until college for you to get out of the closet.”

“I,” Evan had thought that he’d done a very good job at hiding that he wasn’t straight. “I wasn’t in the closet.”

“You’ve never once said you were gay,” Jared reminded him.

“I’m not gay,” Evan meant this.

He wasn’t sure what label to use for himself, but he knew that he wasn’t just attracted to guys. He didn’t think about sexuality a lot. He had too many other things to worry about.

“You’re going out with a guy,” Jared said.

“But there’s a spectrum,” Evan tried to explain. He’d read an article about it once, and that had been enough to satisfy his curiosity. “Me dating Connor doesn’t mean I only like guys.”

“What?” Jared’s tone changed. 

“Shoot,” Evan groaned. 

He’d just said Connor’s name. To Jared. He was an idiot. 

“Evan,” Jared started in a voice that was a mix of concern and amusement.

“Yeah, um,” Evan tried to find words to cover this.

“Did you just say,” he drew out the words. 

“Jared—”

“What I thought you said?” Jared’s forehead creased. 

Well. There was no going back now. If he was going to try to convince everyone that he and Connor were in a relationship, then Evan supposed that meant Jared as well. He’d never lied to Jared before, but this wasn’t completely a lie.

Okay, it was. But he didn’t have to tell it like one.

“Yes,” Evan sighed. 

“Tell me you’re not about to go on a date with Connor Murphy,” Jared looked like he was about to burst into laughter. 

“I’m about to go on a date with Connor Murphy,” Evan muttered. 

“Who are you and what have you done with Evan Hansen?” Jared exclaimed.

“This is serious,” Evan attempted to get the conversation back on track.

“You dating the school psychopath is serious!” Jared replied.

“Don’t call him that,” Evan said a little too defensively. 

“He literally shoved you yesterday,” Jared reminded him.

“And then he apologized,” Evan said back. “And we started talking, and, yeah.”

“The day has finally come,” Jared feigned a dramatic voice.

“What?”

“Sweet little Evan has turned into a hormonal teenager,” he declared. 

“I said he talked to me!” Evan was exasperated. “What is hormonal about talking?”

“So many things,” Jared tutted.

“Jared, he’s gonna be here in ten minutes.” Evan had called Jared for a reason, and having his (probably poor) life decisions questioned was not it. “Do I change my shirt or not?”

Through the computer screen, Evan watched Jared look over the plain blue shirt he had worn to school that day.

“Change,” Jared instructed. 

“Okay, thanks,” Evan nodded. “Um, to what?”

“How am I supposed to know?” Jared shrugged. 

“Right,” Evan mumbled. 

He hopped off of his bed, leaving the computer where it was, and looked over his closet. He didn’t have a lot of clothes that weren’t casual. Then again, Connor didn’t say that there were going somewhere that wasn’t casual. Deciding to be on the safe side, he pulled a blue polo shirt out. 

That would have to be good enough. If it wasn’t, he’d wear something better next time.

Only now did he realize that there probably was going to be a next time. If Connor was trying to fool people, they couldn’t just go on one pretend date and expect everyone to be convinced. 

Evan realized that he hadn’t considered what he was getting himself into.

“You realize you’re going to die, right?” Jared seemed to read his mind. 

Evan moved back to the computer.

“He’s not crazy,” he attempted to defend. The problem was, Evan didn’t really know that much about Connor to begin with. “I mean, I don’t think he his.”

“But you’re you,” Jared pressed. “Evan, you can’t give a presentation in class without looking like you’re gonna pass out!”

This was true.

“He’s easy to talk to,” Evan tried to brush off. “It’ll be fine.”

This wasn’t exactly a lie. Connor had done his best to seem approachable when they talked before. Then again, that was probably just because he wanted something. It’s not like he was actually trying to be Evan’s friend. 

“You talk to him, what, once?” Jared pointed out.

“Twice,” Evan corrected. “Yesterday and this morning when he, um, asked me out.”

That probably wasn’t normal. Most people had more than two conversations before deciding to go on a date. Then again, Evan could pretend that he and Connor had talked about interesting things. If asked, he could lie and make up something about having immediate chemistry. That probably wouldn’t fool Jared, but he may be to distracted by what amazing blackmail material it was to question the truth of it.

“So?” Jared stretched the word.

“What?”

“Did you faint?” he asked seriously.

“No,” Evan answered tightly. “I did not faint.”

“Swoon?” Jared was grinning now.

“I said yes and then he gave me his number and walked away,” Evan blurted.

That much wasn’t a lie. Evan had said yes, in a way, and that had been the end of that. Connor hadn’t made any effort to acknowledge him for the rest of the day. That was why Evan had thought that maybe just saying they were dating was all the charade was going to be. 

“Weird,” Jared echoed his thoughts again.

“Not that much,” Evan tried to dismiss.

“Where’s he taking you?” Jared wondered. 

“He didn’t say,” Evan replied. 

“That’s shady as hell,” Jared informed him.

He had a point. If Connor had actually asked him out, Evan probably would have wanted to know exactly what their date would consist of. However, the fact that they were the only ones in on the truth seemed to add a layer of trust. Evan hoped this wasn’t misplaced. 

“No, it’s not,” he tried to cover up.

“You’re just gonna get into his car and let him take you where ever he wants?” Jared questioned. 

“You’re making it sound a lot creepier than it is,” Evan stated. 

“Who is this calm person?” Jared shook his head again. “The Evan I know would be hiding under the bed.”

“No, I wouldn’t,” Evan stammered. 

“Well, you’d at least be freaking out,” Jared settled. 

“I am,” Evan admitted. “Just not because of that.”

“Oh, I get it!”

Evan did not trust the look on Jared’s face. 

“What?” he asked slowly.

“You like him,” Jared crossed his arms triumphantly.

“Jared, I wouldn’t say yes if I didn’t,” Evan tried to sound calm.

“Eh,” Jared shrugged again.

“I wouldn’t,” Evan pressed. 

“If you felt like you had to, you probably would,” Jared told him. 

Evan didn’t want to think this was true.

“You’d cave,” Jared added. 

“Shut up.” Evan didn’t have time to worry about that. “I need to put this shirt on.”

Evan turned the computer away when he changed. He could admit that he probably didn’t look much different. Hopefully it was the thought that counted.

“Does this look too normal?” he asked Jared anyway.

“For Connor Murphy?” Jared laughed. “Probably.”

“I’m not joking,” Evan mumbled. 

“You look fine,” Jared said dismissively. 

“Okay, thanks,” Evan would pretend he believed that. 

“Wait,” Jared raised an eyebrow. “I thought you liked Zoe Murphy.”

Evan had been praying that Jared had forgotten about the crush Evan confessed to him a year ago. He didn’t have an answer to this question. Truthfully, yes, he had liked Connor’s sister. Did he think he had a chance with her? No, not at all. Even if he did, he’d pretty much ruined it by deciding to pretend to date Connor.

“I did. Last year. I don’t anymore.” Maybe if he said this out loud he could convince himself of it. “I mean, she’s pretty and all, but I don’t really know her so—”

“Did you tell your boyfriend you used to have the hots for his sister?” Jared was finding this far too entertaining.

“No,” Evan admitted. “I kinda left that out.”

“Well, if you can’t have Zoe at least you get her probably insane and significantly less hot brother,” Jared joked.

“He’s not less hot,” Evan said without thinking.

Jared raised his eyebrows up and down. 

“Stop it,” Evan sighed.

Whatever Jared’s response was going to be was silenced by Evan’s phone buzzing. He glanced at the notification. Connor was outside. 

“Oh God,” Evan rubbed the back of his neck. “I have to go.”

“If he takes you someplace creepy run,” Jared advised.

“Bye,” Evan shut the computer and scrambled out of the room. 

Chapter Text

“Where are we going?” Evan asked as he slid into the passenger seat of Connor’s car.

“Hello to you too,” Connor rolled his eyes, locking the car doors and putting it in gear.

“Sorry.” Evan hadn’t meant to cut to the chase. Well, actually he had. He thought that was what he was supposed to do, since Connor had made it very clear they were only hanging out to make it look like their social lives were a little less pathetic.

“Any restaurant in the mall,” Connor shrugged. “You can pick, I don’t really care.”

“Okay,” Evan nodded.

“My sister is going to spy on us,” Connor added nonchalantly.

“How do you know?” Evan asked.

“She’s bad at it,” Connor deadpanned.

“Oh.”

“My parents like to know where me and her are,” Connor offered as some explanation. “All the time. It sucks.”

Evan let out a nervous laugh.

“None of them believe me,” Connor continued. “So she’s probably going to stop by to make sure I’m actually on a date and not smoking somewhere.”

Evan knew that Connor had been pegged as “the school stoner” by nearly all of their peers. While Evan didn’t trust rumors, it sort of made sense for these to be true. Connor didn’t exactly give off a wholesome vibe.

“So this is so they don’t think you’re lying?” Evan clarified.

“Yeah.”

“That makes more sense,” he admitted more to himself than to Connor.

There wasn’t really any reason to go on a date if they didn’t have some sort of audience.

“I can get you home by eight,” Connor told him.

“How about eight thirty?” Evan suddenly got an idea. “My mom’s shift ends at eight, she usually gets back eight fifteen.”

“And you want her to see you come home,” Connor summed up.

“Yeah,” Evan confirmed. “If that’s okay.”

“Sure,” Connor shrugged. “Makes it feel a bit less like I’m using you.”

“You still kinda are,” Evan mumbled.

“Well you’re using me back,” Connor heard him. “So we’re even.”

“Okay.”

Evan couldn’t think of anything else to say about that. He didn’t like the silence. It made him feel like Connor was regretting choosing Evan to be his fake boyfriend. Not that Connor had options. Evan had to remind himself that Connor was nearly in the same boat that he was when it came to social lives.

“Is this your car?” he suddenly asked.

“You could say that,” Connor shrugged again. “I’m the only one who ever drives it.”

“It’s nice,” Evan complimented.

“It’s old,” Connor dismissed.

“I can’t drive,” Evan wasn’t sure why he said this.

“How do you get places?” Connor sounded surprised.

“I don’t,” Evan said awkwardly.

“You’re sadder than I am,” Connor commented.

“Thanks,” Evan muttered.

Connor’s eyes were on the road. Evan was grateful for that, partly because it meant he wasn’t being watched, and partly because young people driving always made him nervous. Connor seemed in control, though. Evan envied that, even if it was just over a car.

“Connor,” he broke the silence again. “How, um, would Zoe be able to spy on us if we’re at any restaurant?”

“I don’t know,” Connor sounded grave. “But it’s worked all the other times I’ve tried to disappear in a public place.”

“Then she’s not bad at it,” Evan pointed out the flaw in Connor’s earlier statement. “Sorry, um, that wasn’t supposed to sound—”

“No. You’re right,” Connor surprised him by saying lightly. “She’s scarily good at it when she wants to be. It’s my parents that suck at subtlety.”

“Oh,” Evan had no idea what to say to this.

“Not that you would want me to talk about that.” Now Connor was the one who’s words were sheepish. “At all. Because it’s awkward. And now you’re awkward. And I’m shutting up.”

Evan realized Connor’s speech got choppy when he wasn’t sure what to say. Instead of spending ahead and saying too much like Evan had a tendency to do, Connor slowed down in un-surety.

“You changed your shirt,” Connor noticed, his tone more level now.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. “So did you.”

Connor was still wearing the same jacket and jeans, but Evan had noticed the different shirt when he got into the car. It made him feel a little less silly for being so unsure what to wear.

“Yeah,” Connor said. “Thought might as well.”

“Ditto.”

Evan watched a smirk form on Connor’s face.

“What?” he asked, knowing this had to be in reaction to him.

“No,” Connor shook his head. “It’s just. People don’t actually say ‘ditto.’”

“Yes they do,” Evan argued, trying not to feel self conscious.

“Really?” Connor scoffed.

“I think so.”

“No one I’ve talked to has ever said that,” he said confidently.

“Maybe that’s ‘cause you don’t talk to people,” Evan shot back. The smile on Connor’s face froze. Evan could not believe he had just said that out loud. “Oh my God, I am so sorry! I don’t talk to people. You’re probably right—”

“Jesus Christ, Hansen,” Connor cut through his ramble. “Can you go a minute without freaking out?”

“Um, well,” Evan stammered. “If you honestly want an answer, then no. I probably can’t.”

It took a second for Connor to hear the half joke. Then they were both laughing a real, genuine laugh. Evan felt the tension defuse.

“What are you hungry for?” Connor asked.

“Anything really,” Evan deflected.

“I’m letting you choose,” Connor told him. “Chivalrous, remember?”

“Right,” Evan swallowed.

“But you’re probably really fucking indecisive,” Connor realized out loud.

“Yeah,” Evan confessed.

“Okay, then I’ll choose.” Connor decided.

“Thanks,” Evan said. “I can, um, I have money.”

“Pay for the next one,” Connor dismissed.

“Next one,” Evan didn’t mean to repeat.

“Unless being stuck in a car with me for all of two minutes is enough for you to realize how much of an asshole I am.” Connor didn’t sound like he was joking.

“No, no, you’re fine,” Evan said quickly. “Yeah, I’ll pay for the next one!”

“Evan, seriously,” Connor exhaled. “Calm down.”

“Sorry—”

“And stop apologizing,” he instructed. “You’re not offending me.”

“Okay,” Evan nodded numbly.

“Like, nothing you’ve said has even been remotely offensive.” Connor made clear.

“Okay.”

“Since we first started talking,” he stressed.

“Three conversations are not a lot to go off,” Evan stated before he could stop himself.

“Well, I shoved you yesterday,” Connor remembered. “So I’m the one in jerk territory, not you.”

“Okay.”

Evan looked at his hands.

“You’re, uh,” Connor cleared his throat. “You said your mom was at work?”

“Yeah,” Evan confirmed.

“What does she do?” Connor asked.

“She’s a nurse,” Evan answered. “But she goes to law school at night, so yeah.”

He winced as he heard his voice trail off.

“That’s a lot,” Connor seemed not to mind.

“I know,” Evan agreed.

“I’m guessing you’re home alone a lot,” Connor said.

“Yeah.”

“That sounded so fucking creepy,” he sounded like he was mentally smacking himself.

“No, it didn’t,” Evan tried to assure him.

Connor sighed. They were both bad at this. However, Evan was more than slightly relived that he wasn’t the only one.

“You’re too nice, you know?” Connor told him.

“Yeah,” Evan was painfully aware. He let people walk over him when he didn’t want to. That’s the only thing nice gets you in the real world.

“And, here we are,” Connor announced as he pulled into the parking lot.

“Great,” Evan voiced.

“It’s not super crowded,” Connor stated. Half of the parking lot was empty.

“That’s good,” Evan meant this.

“Crowds make me want to punch something,” Connor told him.

“Oh,” Evan rubbed the back of his neck. “They, um, usually just make me want to hide.”

“Opposites attract,” Connor joked, as he parked the car.

“Hopefully,” Evan shrugged.

They got out of the car. It was still light out. Evan liked this time of day, right before the sky gave over to night. It was still, calming in a way.

“After you,” Connor gestured to the entrance of the mall.

“You know,” Evan started. “You’re a lot nicer than you seem.”

“Only when I’m trying to be,” Connor said dryly.

“Right,” Evan believed that.

“You’re just as nervous as you seem,” Connor informed him.

“Thanks,” Evan muttered.

“It’s not an insult,” Connor told him.

Evan couldn’t see how this was true.

“You told me to calm down twice,” he pointed out. There would undoubtably be more of that to come if Connor was dead-set on keeping up this charade.

“Sorry,” Connor sighed. It took a second for Evan to realize the irritation was directed at himself not at Evan. “You’re not nervous. I just can’t fucking talk to people without being an ass.”

“It’s okay,” Evan told him seriously.

They entered the mall. Connor lead Evan in the direction of where they’d eat dinner. He was right about it not being too crowded. Evan figured the larger groups of people would arrive around when they were leaving. Either that or people had better things to do on a Friday night than pay for over priced food.

“Don’t look behind you,” Connor suddenly said

Startled, Evan did the opposite of what he was told. He caught a glimpse of Zoe and another girl from their school.

“I said don’t,” Connor hissed.

“Sorry!” Evan whipped his gaze back to Connor.

He didn’t seem that annoyed.

“So, that was?” Evan started to ask.

“Zoe and Alana,” Connor confirmed.

“I didn’t know they were friends,” Evan admitted.

He’d talked to each of them on occasion (very rare occasion), but he’d never seen the two in the same place. They seemed an unlikely pair. Alana was very structured, while Zoe acted more loose. Then again, it wasn’t like he actually knew either of them.

“Oh, there is so much shit I could tell you,” Connor said with a smile Evan could only describe as devilish.

“You don’t have to,” he let him know.

“Probably will without meaning to,” Connor admitted with a shrug. “Can I hold your hand?”

“What?” Evan blinked at the sudden request.

“They’re watching us,” Connor reminded him. “So?”

“Right, yeah,” Evan nodded. “You can—Hold on.”

There was no way to subtly wipe his palm on his pants.

“Dear god,” Connor chuckled.

“It’s not funny,” Evan sputtered.

“I don’t care if your hand is sweaty, Hansen.” Connor grasped Evan’s hand in his. “It’s not.”

“Oh,” Evan nodded.

“Come on,” Connor gave his hand a squeeze. “Now that I’m officially not a liar, let’s ditch the audience.”

“Okay.”

Evan let Connor pull him away.

Chapter Text

Talking to Evan Hansen was a lot less painful than Connor had anticipated it to be. Evan seemed to be getting a bit less self-conscious, and, as long as Connor tried not to blurt something that would offend the kid, they were in good shape. That being said, he had no clue how he was going to keep it going until eight-thirty. 

“I’ve run out of things to talk about,” Connor announced as they sat down at the restaurant he chose.

He wasn’t particularly hungry. He usually didn’t get hungry, it had to do with the meds he was on. But, since he was trying to be a decent fake date, he figured he could stomach something. 

“You’re very blunt about it,” Evan commented, clearly not comfortable with the awkwardness of the situation being pointed out.

“Yep.”

They silently looked at the menu. Connor found something that looked sort of a appealing, and spent about a minute watching Evan scan at the piece of paper as if it held the secret of life. 

“How did you do on that Bio test?” Evan asked when he was finally done.

“How do you think I did?” Connor scoffed.

“Poorly,” Evan admitted.

“You didn’t apologize,” Connor was slightly surprised.

“You told me not to,” Evan reminded him in a hesitant voice.

“How’d you do?” Connor continued the conversation.

“Okay,” Evan shrugged.

“You aced it,” Connor could tell.

“Yeah,” Evan confessed. 

“Well we can’t all be smart,” Connor sighed.

“I need to do good,” Evan tried to explain. “Colleges primarily look at grades and test scores.”

“Fucking hell, if you start talking about colleges I will leave,” Connor said a little too irritably. “Sorry. See, this is what I meant earlier. I’m a shitty boyfriend.”

“No,” Evan shook his head. “We don’t have to talk about that if you don’t want to.”

“I don’t like to think about the future,” Connor told him. His tone was overly dry, but he was serious.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. His eyes were fixed on the table, not daring to meet Connor. “I kinda have to.”

“Right,” Connor scoffed.

“I mean, it’s not because I’m being preppy, it’s just, if I don’t do this now then I won’t get a scholarship, and if I don’t then I—”

“Fuck,” Connor cut Evan off. “I did not just make you tell me that.”

Connor mentally smacked himself. He didn’t need to hear all of that. He didn’t need to know if Evan’s family had financial troubles, because it was so not at all his business. 

“Sorry,” Evan mumbled.

“You’re not the one who should be,” Connor made clear.

They didn’t talk until a waiter asked for their orders. Evan stuttered through reading out the name written on the menu. Connor wondered if this kid was always this uncomfortable. It seemed so exhausting. 

“So,” Evan broke the silence when the waiter left. “You said you liked to read?”

“Yeah.”

“How come?” he asked.

“How come I like to read?” Connor raised an eyebrow.

“Never mind,” Evan sputtered. “Dumb question, let’s just—”

“It’s distracting,” Connor answered.

“Oh?”

“To a higher level than watching a movie or Netflix,” he added.

“Most people would disagree,” Evan stated. “Not that I do! I get it.”

“When you read you have to focus, right?” Connor continued.

“Yeah.”

“It’s up to you to take the words and get them to connect in your head,” he explained. “They don’t make images on their own, you have to meet them half way.”

He’d never vocalized this to anyone. No one had ever asked him why he read instead of partaking in a more typical activity for someone his age. He wasn’t sure if his family even knew that was how he spent most of this time. Well, Zoe did. She noticed most things. 

“That’s,” Evan was looking at him.

“Really fucking nerdy,” Connor finished. 

“I was gonna say beautiful,” Evan told him. “But sure, you can go with that.”

Connor chuckled.

“If you can’t tell,” he felt the need to add. “I kinda hate my life so distractions are nice.”

“I like to read,” Evan stated. “Probably not as much as you do, but yeah…”

“What do you read?” Connor asked. 

He was genuinely interested. He didn’t talk to other people about books a lot. He knew that Zoe read sometimes, but if they did talk it was never about things like that. 

“I haven’t free read a lot since school started,” Evan admitted. “Since I already have to read for class.”

“Right,” Connor nodded.

“I’m guessing you do,” Evan said.

“Well, I have more free time” Connor shrugged. “It comes with the whole ‘not trying” persona.”

Evan laughed. It sounded a little less nervous than how he’d laughed in the car.

“You’re gonna judge me,” Evan started. “But I like YA novels.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” his eyes went to the table again.

“That’s fucking adorable,” Connor grinned.

“Shut up,” Evan hissed.

“It is,” Connor told him.

“Then what do you read?” Evan crossed his arms.

“Whatever I get my hands on,” Connor replied. “Just not YA shit.”

“It’s not all shit,” Evan muttered.

“Mainly classics,” Connor added.

“Wow,” Evan looked up at him now.

“What?” 

“You’re almost more of a nerd than I am,” he said seriously.

“I am not,” Connor tried to brush off.

“Yes, you are,” Evan insisted. “What are you reading now?”

“Wuthering Heights.”

“And you judged me,” Evan laughed.

“Excuse me, crap written for lovesick teenagers is not on the same plan as Emily Bronté.” Connor defended.

“It’s the original chick flick,” Evan deadpanned.

“Oh my god,” Connor said slowly. 

“What?” Evan stared. Connor couldn’t stop the laugh. “What?”

“No,” Connor shook his head. “I need to save you saying that in my mind.”

“Shut up,” Evan didn’t seem offended at all. “He literally runs into the rain when he thinks she can’t love him. Stop laughing!”

“I’m impressed,” Connor informed him.

“Shut up,” Evan said for what felt like the hundredth time.

“I mean it,” Connor told him.

“I’m gonna use the restroom,” Evan stood up. “If our waiter comes—”

“I’ll eat all your food,” Connor said cheekily.

“That’s your chivalry,” Evan commented.

“Yep,” Connor grinned.

Only a few minutes after Evan left, Connor felt his phone vibrate. He fished it out of his pocket to see his sister’s caller ID.

Leaving mall, Mom wants to know what time you’re coming home

He figured she knew he was aware of her presence. Even if Evan hadn’t looked at her and Alana, Zoe usually gave him some credit. Still, that didn’t mean he was gonna cooperate.

He replied with: 2am

ha

She probably didn’t expect an answer anyway. At least she could say she tried. 

You’re a shitty stalker, he felt the need to inform her.

yup, she didn’t miss a beat.

He smirked at his phone. She didn’t really care where he was. He was willing to bet the only reason she agreed to check up on him was so she wouldn’t be on the receiving end of their parent’s irritation. 

So far it hadn’t been a good week for anyone (except maybe Connor, depending on how this lie went). When their parents weren’t happy Zoe did what she could to stay out of trouble, and Connor did what he could to challenge it. Both of them handled it wrong. Zoe was probably smarter, but old habits die hard.

Which one put you up to it? He honestly just wanted to see if she would answer. 

stop texting me, you’re on a date 

Zoe was good at avoiding questions. Better than Connor. He just didn’t answer, but she knew how to side step. He wasn’t sure how or where she learned how all of this. Then again, she had all the time of their parent’s attention being rooted on Connor’s fuck ups and not on hers.

he’s in the bathroom, Connor informed her. I’m not that bad at this

sure

She was teasing. They did that now. About a year ago it would have pissed him off. A lot of the time she still did piss him off, but things were a little better between the two of them. 

He was pretty sure he had Alana to thank for that. It was about when Zoe started hanging out with that girl that she stopped looking at Connor like he was a monster. This had surprised him, because he knew he deserved every bit of her distain. When he was hurt he took it out on whoever was closest. Zoe was always closest. 

However, when she actually seemed like she didn’t hate him, it was easy not to hate her back. He still fucked up a lot. She didn’t let him forget when he did, but she seemed to get that his brain worked differently than hers. That was the only upside of his therapist wanting to have a group session. 

so, she started. Evan Hansen?

Connor grinned. He was waiting for this. 

believe me now?

I didn’t say you were lying… But she had thought it. She had wondered who on earth would actually want to hang out with her fucked up brother. 

no, he responded. Dad did

why did you ask who put me up to it if you were eavesdropping?

Because he was testing her. She probably picked up on this. 

eh

How’s the date going? She wasn’t subtle about asking this.

you don’t actually care, he brushed off.

She hesitated. 

right…

He rolled his eyes.

stop it 

what? she feigned innocence.

being passive aggressive through texts, he clarified anyway. its annoying 

stop being full out aggressive through texts

He didn’t have a counter argument, so he let her have that one. 

the date’s going good

He was done talking to her. Every time they talked there would be a point where it got strained. That was when he liked to take his exit. 

that’s good

now you can tell mom we had an actual conversation, this was only half a joke. Their mother would ask, and Zoe would probably end up telling her. He counted on this, that way when he came home he would only have to confirm that, yes, he was on a date, and, yes, it was with a boy.

fuck you

She wasn’t actually mad. If she was she wouldn’t respond. 

back at ya, he replied.

gotta go, she said after a second. 

Connor glanced up and realized Evan was walking back to their table.

ditto, he told her.

no one says ditto

Connor smirked.

i know

He put the phone away. And directed his attention to Evan, who slid back into his chair. 

“You free tomorrow?” he asked.

“I have a therapy appointment in the middle of the day,” Evan answered, then paused. “You, um, didn’t need to know that.”

He’d mentioned therapy before, probably also on accident. Connor didn’t really care. Evan couldn’t be any more messed up than he was.

“Do you like your therapist?” he asked. 

“I guess,” Evan shrugged. “He’s nice but…”

“Annoying?” Connor offered. 

“Too many expectations,” Evan tried to explain.

Connor nodded.

“Mine is a bitch,” he said. 

“You go to therapy?” Evan asked.

“Hansen,” Connor wanted to laugh. “I threw a printer at a teacher in second grade, I practically have anger issues written on my forehead.”

“I have anxiety,” Evan sheepishly shared.

“I’m depressed,” Connor stated. 

“So am I.”

“My family thinks I’m ruining my life,” he shared.

“My mom cares more about my future than I do,” Evan added.

“I think I’m actually ruining their lives,” Connor confessed. 

“I know I am,” Evan told him.

“We’re both fucked up.”

They laughed. Connor wouldn’t admit that he liked this. He liked talking to Evan Hansen.

“So,” he cleared his through. “What’s your favorite cheesy YA book?”

“Not telling,” Evan replied.

“Come on,” Connor whined. “That’s not fair.”

“You’re gonna make fun of me,” Evan defended.

“Well, yeah,” Connor grinned.

Evan crossed his arms.

“Okay, fine,” Connor sighed. “I won’t say anything.”

“I’ll Give You The Sun,” Evan stated.

“Okay, actually I won’t say anything,” Connor told him.

“Really?”

“That’s a fucking good book,” Connor admitted.

“You’ve read it?” Evan smiled. 

“My sister threw it at me when my therapist told us we had to be friends again,” he deadpanned. 

“Oh?”

“It’s less sad than it sounds,” Connor chuckled.

“Sure.”

“She’s a decent sister,” he felt the need to add. “I’m a shit brother.”

“I’m sure that’s—”

“Completely true,” Connor finished. “I mean, it’s better than before rehab.”

He was trying. But he still did things to get under her skin. Hell, one of his motivators to pretend to date Evan was to make her jealous of his relationship. 

“Rehab?”

“Never mind,” Connor shook his head. “You don’t want to hear about that.”

“Zoe seems nice,” Evan told him.

“She’s the nice one,” Connor explained. “I’m the scary one. You have siblings?”

“Technically, but I’ve never met them, my dad, um, he doesn’t live with us, so—”

“Okay, don’t tell me,” Connor raised a hand. “That’s way too fucking personal.”

“Sorry.”

“No, I already said too much shit,” he told him. “If this was a real date you would have left.”

Evan nodded.

“Okay,” Connor needed to clear the air. “Second favorite book?”

“It’s called Carry On,” Evan stated.

“Keep calm,” Connor said dryly.

“Yeah, yeah,” Evan rolled his eyes. Connor found the attitude from him hilarious.

“What’s it about?” he asked.

“A gay vampire,” Evan deadpanned.

“Seriously?” Connor laughed. 

“In a very not cheesy way, yes,” Evan admitted.

“Hansen,” Connor wasn’t sure if it was okay to ask this, but he was going to anyway. “What’s your sexuality?”

“Is that not too personal?” Evan questioned.

“I told you mine,” Connor reminded him.

“I don’t know,” Evan replied.

“So not straight then,” Connor assumed.

“Do I seem like I’m straight?” Evan asked honestly. 

“You kinda don’t seem like anything,” Connor knew that wasn’t the right way to phrase that.

“Oh.”

“Or like,” he tried to fix, “you could go either way? I’m not sure.”

“Okay,” Evan nodded.

“Do I seem gay?” he asked out of curiosity.

“That’s not really something I think about when I meet people,” Evan let him know.

“Seriously?” Connor raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah,” Evan froze. “Wait, is it something you think about?”

“Constantly,” Connor didn’t hide.

“So for me—”

“That’s why I asked,” he smirked.

“I take it back,” Evan said with a slight grin. “You’re very gay.”

“So are you.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Evan decided.

“Good.”

Chapter Text

“And here we are,” Connor said as he pulled up in front of Evan’s house.

Evan’s mom’s car was in the driveway. He had texted her saying he was going to get home a little later than she was. It didn’t feel quite as staged as it should have.

“Thanks for,” Evan wasn’t entirely sure what he was thanking Connor for. “Well, you know.”

“Yeah,” Connor brushed off. “I’ll see you in school.”

“Uh-huh,” Evan opened the car door.

“Should I walk you to your porch or is that too cheesy?” Connor asked.

“No, that’s okay,” Evan laughed nervously. “Bye, Connor.”

Evan turned away from the car. Connor didn’t drive away until he reached the door. Evan waved, he could see Connor shaking his head as he drove away.

“Evan?” Evan heard his mom call as he walked into the house.

Evan met her in the kitchen. She usually waited until she got home before eating dinner. Sometimes they ate together, but more often then not Evan was already getting ready for bed when she got home.

“Hey, honey,” she smiled at him.

“Mom, I have to tell you something.” He sat down across the table from her.

“Does it have anything to do with the boy who dropped you off?” she asked.

Evan glanced at the window. Yeah, that probably gave perfect view of Connor’s car. He looked at his hands.

“Um, yeah,” he mumbled. “His name is Connor.”

He might as well just say it now. This was why he decided to go along with Connor’s idea in the first place. He still stood by that decision. But this was going to be the hard part.

“He, er,” Evan tried to think of the right way to say this. “He asked me out this morning, and I, we went to get dinner.”

“How was it?” his mom asked.

Evan looked up at her. She was smiling. Her eyes were a little less tired than they usually were.

“Mom,” he said slowly. “I’m not straight.”

“Well, I’d be worried if you went out with a boy and said you were,” she laughed. He stared at her. “What?”

“No, it’s just,” he shook his head. “I kinda thought I’d get a bit more of a reaction at that.”

“I read your journal when you were twelve,” she stated blankly.

“You what?” Evan blanched.

“I’m kidding,” she sighed.

Evan laughed with her.

“But you already knew?” he asked, unsurely.

“I had my suspicions,” she told him.

“I’m not gay,” he tried to make clear.

“Alright.”

“I don’t know what I am,” he stated.

“You’re young,” she told him. “You don’t have to.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

Was that supposed to be that easy? Evan wasn’t exactly afraid to tell his mom he liked boys, but he’d thought that she’d be a little more surprised. Maybe disappointed that it meant she might not have grandchildren? Then again, even if Evan ended up with a girl or if he decided to adopt a kid, he wasn’t sure he’d be a good parent. Not that he needed to think about this.

“So tell me about Connor,” his mother brought him back to focus.

“He’s,” Evan wasn’t sure what to say. “I met him at school.”

He needed more than that. If he did like Connor, what would he say about him? Probably that Connor was handsome—he was handsome. He was sweeter than he thought he was too. Evan did like to talk to him, even if Connor was only spending time with him for the lie. Connor didn’t actually like talking to him. He was just putting up with it.

“He, um,” Evan tried to bring himself back to focus. “He likes to read. We talked about books a lot.”

His mother nodded encouragingly.

“He has long hair,” Evan blurted. “It’s, like, almost to his shoulders. And, it’s cute.”

That wasn’t an exaggeration. Connor probably didn’t actually think there was anything appealing about Evan, but Evan realized he could name a lot of attractive, or just sweet things about Connor.

“He’s cute,” Evan said out loud. “He’s kinda rough around the edges, but I think he means well.”

“I’m happy for you,” his mom smiled.

That made the charade worth it.

Connor had hoped he could get to his room without having to deal with his family. He hadn’t counted on Zoe and Alana taking up the living room. There was a pizza in front of them, that usually signified that they had claim of the house. At least this meant he wouldn’t have to talk to his parents. They knew enough to steer clear.

“You’re early,” Zoe commented.

“Whatever,” he muttered.

“Hi, Connor!” Alana chirped.

Not once had Connor ever hear Alana speak in a dark tone of voice. She always seemed happy, usually when he didn’t think she had reason to.

“Hey,” he nodded at her before walking to the door.

“Wait, no!” Zoe sprang up and planted herself between him and the exit.

“I will move you,” he warned her dryly.

“Come on,” she placed her hands on his hips. “You have to tell us how it went.”

“I’m not up for girl talk,” he told her dryly.

“You’re gonna get interrogated later anyway,” she reminded him.

“Which is why I’m going to bed now,” he attempted to push past him.

“Alana wants to know,” Zoe added.

“Right,” Connor glanced at Alana.

“She’s not wrong,” the girl admitted.

Connor sighed.

“Five minutes,” he groaned.

“Yes!” Zoe pulled him to the couch.

“And you’re a fucking thirteen-year-old,” he deadpanned.

“Yep,” Zoe grinned. “So, Evan Hansen?”

She raised her eyebrows.

“Yeah,” he felt his lips tug into a smile.

“How the hell did that happen?” Zoe asked.

“I don’t know,” Connor smirked.

“Yes you do,” Zoe said.

“I thought he was cute,” Connor stated.

“Yeah?” Zoe nodded for him to go on.

“So I told him,” he lied.

“Wow,” Alana murmured.

Zoe looked just as stunned.

“What?” he questioned the two of them.

“You just said that to him?” Zoe asked.

“Uh,” Connor sheepishly shrugged. “Yeah?”

“Wow,” Zoe voiced.

“What?” he asked again.

“You weren’t scared?” Alana questioned.

“No,” he shook his head with a rehearsed smile. “I was. It kinda just came out.”

“Oh my god,” Zoe grinned.

“Stop giggling,” he rolled his eyes.

“You realize Evan doesn’t really talk to anyone,” Zoe said slowly.

“It’s not his fault,” Connor didn’t know where the defense in his voice was coming from. “No one tries to talk to him.”

“I didn’t say it was,” Zoe assured him.

“He’s really nice,” Alana put forward.

“You know him?” Connor looked at her.

“He’s an acquaintance of mine,” she added. “Yes.”

“You know,” Zoe started with a thoughtful expression. “You two kinda make sense.”

“Because we’re both antisocial,” he summed up.

“Yeah,” she confessed.

“Thanks,” he said dryly.

“It’s true,” she told him. “So did you kiss him?”

“Definitely thirteen-years-old,” he informed her.

“Yeah, yeah,” she rolled her eyes.

“I’m thinking pigtails,” he added.

“I get it.”

“Do you want to paint my nails while you’re at it?” he couldn’t resist.

“Bright pink,” Alana put in.

“That’s how he’ll dump me,” he told her.

“He wouldn’t dare,” she brushed off.

“No, Zoe,” Connor made his tone serious now. “I didn’t kiss him.”

“Aw,” she made an overly disappointed expression.

“Shut up,” he said back. “I don’t want to move to fast.”

“Right.”

“I mean, I wanted to,” he added. “But I don’t want him to get the wrong idea.”

“My brother has a soft side,” she sounded slightly impressed.

“I will leave,” he warned.

“You’re no fun,” she told him.

“I’m gonna get a drink of water,” Alana stood up. “You want anything?”

“I could get it for you,” Zoe offered.

“I know my way around your kitchen,” Alana dismissed as she left the room.

“Seriously?” Connor turned to Zoe.

“Don’t,” her eyes narrowed.

“Just tell her you wanna fuck her,” he stated.

“Says the guy who couldn’t kiss his date,” she scoffed.

“I could have,” Connor said. “I chose not to.”

“Sure,” she didn’t look at him.

Connor reminded himself that he’d wanted this reaction. In his head, it was more of a victory. Instead of jealous, she just looked discouraged.

“Did you tell them?” He tried to change the subject.

“That you went on a date with a boy?” she asked dryly.

“Yeah.”

“I told them you weren’t lying,” she let him know.

“That’s all?” he was surprised.

“I thought you might not want them to know,” she said.

“That I’m gay as fuck,” Connor monotoned.

“Yeah,” she nodded.

“Mom already knows,” he reminded her.

“Yeah.” She remembered hearing the tale end of their mother asking him one day.

“Dad probably does too,” he added.

“He does,” she confirmed.

“So what’s the point?” he asked.

“Its different,” she pressed.

“Because I have a real boyfriend it’s less of a phase?” he asked through narrow eyes.

“No one said that to you,” she reminded him.

“No, it’s what you think everyone is going to say to you,” he told her.

“This isn’t about me,” her voice was harsher than it needed to be. He hit a nerve.

“I’ll tell them tomorrow,” he shrugged. “I’ll parade it to the whole fucking neighborhood.”

She laughed, but her eyes were sad.

For the first time, he felt a little bit more put together than she was. Sure, he was probably worse off in reality, but Zoe didn’t know that. For all she knew, he was put together. For a split second, he looked happy and in control of his happiness. He could get used to this.

“You should tell her.”

She knew what he meant, her eyes refused to meet his. She only did that when she was trying to hide in plain sight.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

He didn’t want to fix this for her. People didn’t try to fix things for him, so for once he should get the satisfaction.

“If I kiss Evan will you ask her out?” he heard himself ask.

If he helped her he lost whatever high ground he’d just gained. Alana would actually like Zoe, they’d have a real, healthy relationship. Connor would never get that with anyone, much less Evan Hansen. But he didn’t really like seeing that look on her face, even if it meant winning. Maybe he was better at doing the right thing than he thought he was.

“That’s not a fair bet,” Zoe informed him.

“I’ll kiss him at school,” Connor decided.

“No one would care,” Zoe tried to dismiss.

“Exactly!”

“I mean no one at school would care,” she stressed.

“You’re seriously scared of relatives?” He’d expected better.

“I’m not scared,” she said a little too defensively. “I just don’t want Mom and Dad to have to deal with the reaction.”

“Well they have to now,” Connor reminded her.

“Connor—”

“Because I don’t give a shit,” he emphasized each word.

“No, you’re loving this,” she called him out.

“Yeah,” he confessed. He was.

“I’d love to tell a lot of them to fuck themselves,” she assured him.

“I know.”

“But Dad’s gonna give me that look,” she sighed. “And Mom’s gonna try to apologize.”

“On your behalf or theirs?”

“Both,” she shrugged.

“Right,” he nodded.

She sighed agin, but then a smile crossed her face.

“Good luck with Evan,” she told him.

He smiled back.

“Good luck with Alana.”

Chapter Text

Connor was not having a good morning. He always hated Mondays, and it didn’t help that his weekend had been complete shit. Okay, maybe that was an exaggeration, but that didn’t make him any less pissed off.

“It’s not because you’re dating a boy,” Zoe informed him from the passenger’s seat.

“Then what is it about?” he asked irritably.

“There’s a list,” she stated.

“Of all the shit I’ve done wrong?” He deadpanned.

“Yes.”

He wished they were mad at his sexuality. He would have liked more of a reaction than the quiet distrust both of his parents wore on their faces when they asked if he really had been on a date Friday night.

If they had reacted, he wouldn’t have gotten angry, and him getting angry wouldn’t have upset them. It wasn’t his fault.

“Mom’s happy,” Zoe added. “She’s just worried.”

“About what?” Connor scoffed.

“You dating another stoner,” she answered.

That made some sense. It pissed him the fuck off, but he probably couldn’t argue that it was invalid.

“She told you that?” he glanced at Zoe.

“Dad told me that,” she admitted.

“Fucking hell,” he muttered.

“Well, what do you expect them to think, Connor?” Zoe demanded.

“I don’t know,” he sighed.

“Stop getting high, then maybe they’ll get it.” She crossed her arms. “Or bring Evan home for dinner.”

“Yeah, that would only scare the shit out of him,” Connor dismissed.

“Once Mom sees how tiny he is, she’ll stop worrying,” Zoe pointed out.

She was right. It was a decent idea, and might get the response Connor had been hoping for. Their mother would adore Evan, and their father would try to hide how uncomfortable it made him when Connor held Evan’s hand. Connor made a mental note that Zoe occasionally had good ideas.

“He’s not tiny,” Connor said out loud.

“Yes he is,” Zoe laughed.

“He’s probably the least likely to be a bad example,” Connor considered.

“Yeah,” Zoe grinned. “God knows how you landed that one, brother dear.”

“Shut up,” he rolled his eyes.

He pulled into the school parking lot. There were too many people already. Everything in him was screaming to just drive away, to hell with the consequences. The only thing that stopped him from indulging in these impulses was the presence of his sister.

“Don’t walk in angry, okay?” she said in a quiet voice.

“How else do I walk in?” he brushed off.

“You’re not high, are you?” she asked.

“You know, when I screamed last night that I didn’t have any fucking weed on me, I wasn’t lying,” Connor stated blandly.

“Good. Keep it that way,” she opened her door. “And take your pills.”

“You’re not my mother,” he reminded her.

“Nope, I’m your sister,” she shot back. “It’s worse.”

“See you after school, bitch,” he said dryly.

“Yep.”

He should have just stayed home. There were too many eyes on him today. There were too many people who thought they had the right to judge him.

Why did everyone seem to think they were entitled to that power? His parents thought that the only people who would spend their time with him were delinquents. Zoe assumed he wasn’t fucking trying to get better. All of these people acted like he was some lost cause who didn’t deserve to walk the same halls as them.

He hated this sea of people who wouldn’t give a shit if he just dropped dead right there. Well, maybe he wouldn’t blame them for that one since he wouldn’t bat an eye if something terrible happened to any of them. He wanted their eyes to burn overtime they stared at him. He wanted each insult they muttered to choke them.

He was too coherent. This is why he should just not try. All trying ever did was make him angry, and all being angry ever did was let people whisper about him looking like he was about to pull a knife out on someone.

Connor was about to scream at whoever the fuck said that last one, but his train of thought was derailed when he felt something warm wrap around his hand. His eyes wiped around to meet Evan’s.

“Hey,” Evan squeezed his hand.

“What are you doing?” Connor’s voice was too blunt. He hadn’t meant to sound defensive.

“I’m sorry, I just thought,” Evan’s eyes clouded with a nervous fear. “Because on Friday you wanted me to—”

“Evan,” Connor was surprised at how level his own voice was. “I’m not mad, I just didn’t expect you to grab my hand.”

“Oh,” Evan said.

He could feel the negative energy that had been pooling around him seconds ago begin to defuse. He hadn’t realized on Friday how calming being around this kid was. That was more than a little ironic, since Evan himself was anything but calm. However, Connor felt his urge to punch something or escape from a clear brain disappear.

“Okay,” Evan nodded. “Bad morning?”

“Bad weekend,” Connor sighed. In a hushed voice he added: “You realize people are staring, right?”

He meant the hand holding. It was a very obvious display. Connor didn’t mind it. Evan’s hand was grounding him. For the first time that morning he didn’t give a shit who was looking at him. Evan probably did.

“Yes, I am very much aware of that.” Evan stuttered, confirming Connor’s thought.

“They’ll get over it,” Connor told him.

“I know.”

“Probably not this second,” Connor added.

“Yeah,” Evan murmured.

“If you want to not deal with me today, it’s fine,” Connor let him know.

“I want people not to whisper that you look like you’re about to kill someone,” Evan said back.

“They’re not good at keeping their voices down.”

Neither was Evan. He’s said that last bit louder than he needed to. Connor was impressed. This was a bolder side of Evan. He liked it.

“Don’t take this the wrong way,” he started. “But why do you care?”

They weren’t actually dating. Evan Hansen shouldn’t give a fuck about what people said about Connor in the halls. They weren’t even friends before Friday, and it wasn’t like this was going to change that.

“I, um, I guess I kinda owe you,” Evan said shakily. “For the other day.”

“It was my idea,” Connor reminded him.

“My mom thinks I have a boyfriend who signed my cast and talks to me about books,” Evan said a little too quickly.

“He seems like a great guy,” Connor joked.

“Plus, I have a feeling I’m not gonna get tripped walking with the school murderer,” Evan added. It took a second for his words to catch up to him. “I’m sorry! I won’t call you that, I don’t think you’re—”

“You sure the school murderer’s not going to make you his next target?” Connor asked with a smirk.

It took a second of Evan to realize that Connor wasn’t offended and was joking. A shy smile crossed his face.

“I’m pretty sure I’m his trophy boyfriend,” he said. “I show that he in fact does have a soft side.”

“Right,” Connor nodded.

“Then again,” Evan started with a grin. “Maybe people should just see you reading Wuthering Heights.”

“Shut up,” Connor bumped his shoulder. “It’s a revenge story.”

“So are soap operas,” Evan pointed out.

“I’m dumping you over this,” Connor deadpanned.

“I’m sorry, I crossed a line,” Evan joked. “I won’t insult your reading material again.”

“You better not.”

They stopped walking at Evan’s locker. Evan only letting go of Connor’s hand to take a book from his bag and shove it inside. Connor rarely used his locker. He didn’t like lugging around heavy texts books at all, so most of those just stayed at home and unused.

“That’s your friend, right?” Connor asked Evan when he noticed Jared Kleinman walking in their direction.

He’d seen the two of them talking before. He was pretty sure that kid was the only person in their school who talked to Evan. Aside from Alana, but she talked to everyone.

Evan glanced up.

“Family friend,” Evan said. “It’s er, his name is Jared.”

“I know him,” Connor stated.

“Right,” Evan’s eyes flicked to the bag in this hands.

“You tell him already?” Connor knew the grin creeping on his face couldn’t be seen.

“Before the fake date, yeah,” Evan confirmed, glancing in Jared Kleinman’s direction. “Kinda took a bit for him to comprehend that anyone would actually want to go on a date with me, which is kinda ironic considering—what are you doing?”

Connor had draped his right over Evan’s shoulder, letting it hang loose at his back. He moved his free hand to the color of Evan’s shirt. His fingers played with the fabric.

“Flirting,” Connor said in a casual voice. “Obnoxiously.”

“Right,” Evan laughed nervously.

The breath that let slip made Connor aware of their proximity. He meant to be standing close, it made for more of a display. However, he hadn’t realized it would feel so intimate. If the redness of Evan’s face was anything to go by, he had also noticed this.

Connor couldn’t just pull away. That would make it look like Evan was rejecting him, and that was the opposite of the impression he wanted this to give. He had to stay pressed up against Evan long enough for it to look comfortable.

He watched Evan’s eyes dart away from him. Since it felt weird to look at Evan when Evan wasn’t looking at him back. Connor followed the gaze in time to watch Jared Kleinman waggle his eyebrows at Evan before walking past them.

Evan let out a meek exhale at that. Connor could tell he was embarrassed.

“You wanna skip third with me?” he smoothly took a step back.

“I don’t skip class,” Evan told him.

“Right,” Connor scoffed. “You’re mister high and mighty.”

He was over reacting, but the comment did annoy him.

“I didn’t mean it to sound like that,” Evan stammered.

“I can only stay in this hell pit for so long,” Connor informed him. “If you need a breather, you know how to find me.”

He was about to walk away, but Evan grabbed his arm.

“I’ll come,” he blurted.

“Seriously?” Connor hadn’t expected that much enthusiasm.

“Yeah,” Evan shrugged. It didn’t look natural in the slightest. “Why not?”

“Wow, Hansen,” Connor made his voice teasing. “You really put up a fight there.”

“But I’m going to my first class,” Evan ignored the mocking.

Connor nodded and watched Evan close his locker. Evan offered him a small smile, before he turned away. Connor figured he might as well go to class too. He could suffer through an hour or two of bullshit if he had the incentive of leaving later.

“Bye, sweetie,” he called after Evan.

That earned a wince that Connor felt no guilt laughing at. He was fairly certain he heard Evan mutter “you’re overdoing it” as he retreated into the crowded hallway.

Chapter Text

Connor still didn’t expect Evan to meet him in the parking lot two hours later. He figured evan would think about it and realize that he was too much of a good student to skip class. However, Connor found himself leaning against his car five minutes after he meant to be far away from campus. Waiting made it more likely for him to get caught. It wasn’t really fair of him to get irritated, since who was he even kidding?

That was when Evan Hansen sprinted out of the exit nearest to the parking lot.

“Hi,” he skidded to a stop in front of Connor.

It was very hard not to burst into laughter. Mutely, he walked to the driver side of the car. Evan scrambled into the passenger seat. He drummed his fingers on his knees as Connor closed his door. This was definitely the first time this kid had cut class.

“Connor?” Evan spoke up timidly. “Um, not that I don’t want to be here, but why am I here?”

“Because school is shit,” he said dully.

“I mean,” Evan looked at his hands. “Why did you want me to come with you?”

Connor didn’t really have an answer to that, but Evan didn’t have to know this. He’d asked on a whim in the middle of an odd moment. Connor didn’t skip class with other people. Alright, once he’d brought Zoe, but that was only because she’d insisted on it. If Connor left school it was because he wanted to be alone.

But he’d been having a shitty morning, and for some reason Evan grabbing his hand had grounded him. It was stupid. Evan was only pretending to like him. Still, talking to this kid made him feel a little less alone.

“I don’t know,” he said out loud. “Your presence is weirdly calming.”

“Oh,” Evan murmured.

“If you want to go to class, just leave,” Connor heard how defensive his voice was. “I don’t care.”

“I don’t want to,” Evan surprised him.

Connor felt a smile creep onto his lips.

“Then let’s get the fuck out of here,” he declared.

“Where are we going?” Evan asked only when Connor was pulling out of the parking lot.

“My house,” Connor decided. “It’s not that far.”

No one else would be there until after five. Unless he felt like ignoring everything, Connor would usually just come back to his room. There weren’t a lot of places he felt comfortable.

“Okay,” Evan nodded.

“It’s easier to murder you there than at school,” he stated.

“What?” Evan blinked at him.

“I’m kidding,” Connor laughed.

“Please don’t own that joke,” Evan told him seriously.

“Why?” Connor took his eyes off the road to glance at him. “Asshats are gonna say it anyway.”

“I don’t like it,” Evan muttered.

“Scared it’s true?” Connor smirked.

“No,” Evan didn’t look at him.

“Jesus Christ,” Connor sighed. “Lighten up, you were joking about it earlier.”

“Sorry,” Evan squeezed his eyes shut. It was like Connor’s words were giving him a headache.

“What’s wrong with you?” Connor asked.

“Nothing.”

“Sure,” he scoffed.

“I just don’t think you should be okay with what people call you,” Evan stammered.

“I’m not okay with it. I hate it,” Connor snapped.

Evan flinched. Connor hand’t meant to make that happen.

“Sorry,” he murmured awkwardly.

This is why him trying to have a friend wasn’t a good idea. All he ever did was drag people down with him.

“I don’t think you’d hurt anyone,” Evan said quietly.

“Thanks.” Connor didn’t deserve that comment.

“Or that you’re just a stoner,” Evan added.

“And I don’t think you’re a nervous wreck,” Connor said dryly. “I get it, don’t listen to the shit people whisper in the halls.”

Evan closed his eyes again. Connor waited for him to say he wanted to go back to the school. He didn’t need to deal with Connor’d toxic attitude.

“I am a nervous wreck,” his voice wasn’t shaky.

“Okay,” Connor wasn’t sure if he should laugh or get irritated. “Are you just going to be a hypocrite about everything today?”

“Maybe,” Evan smiled weakly. It wasn’t real. It was a mask. Connor just wasn’t sure what Evan was trying to hide.

Then it hit him, and he felt something drop in his stomach.

“Who said what to you?” he asked.

“What?” Evan’s gaze whipped to him and then quickly back to his hands.

“You were fine this morning,” Connor pointed out. “Who bothered you?”

“No one,” Evan put no effort into the lie.

“I’ll beat them up,” Connor challenged.

“But you won’t actually,” Evan nearly snapped.

“Right,” Connor mumbled.

Because they weren’t really dating, and he shouldn’t really care what people were saying to Evan.

“No one said anything,” Evan said in a more mild voice. “People were just whispering.”

“Yeah, that can be just as bad,” Connor knew too well.

“You were wrong, you know?” Evan informed him. He didn’t have to say more. Connor remembered telling Evan that he could get people to leave him alone. That was probably the only reason Evan agreed to tolerate him.

“They’ll whisper at first, then they’ll ignore,” he defended. “That’s how it works.”

“It’s fine when you’re there too,” Evan allowed. People had stared that morning, but they stayed out of their way. “But maybe all this is doing it putting a red target on my back when you’re not.”

“I’m sorry,” he meant this.

“No, please don’t be,” Evan sounded defeated. “I thought it would work too.”

“I guess we’re just stupid,” Connor sighed.

They didn’t talk for a minute more. Connor could feel the energy radiating around Evan relax the slightest bit. His own knuckles were still white on the steering wheel.

“Jared thinks I’m less pathetic,” Evan said in a small voice.

“That’s good,” Connor tried an even tone.

“So does my mom,” Evan added.

“My sister and her friend think I’m fearless,” Connor told him.

“Really?” Evan’s lips turned up.

“I might have embellished asking you out,” Connor admitted.

“Of course.” The smile won over. Connor ignored the pride that tempted to move into his chest.

“You wanna watch a movie?” he asked suddenly.

“We only have an hour,” Evan reminded him.

“Let’s just not go back,” Connor decided. “I’ll tell Zoe and Alana to walk home, you can tell your mom you felt sick and went to lay down at my place.”

“She wasn’t born yesterday,” Evan stated. “I don’t think she’d notice, it’s not like the school’s gonna call her.”

“Perfect,” Connor let himself grin as he pulled into his driveway. “Come on, it’s this one.”

“Your house is huge,” Evan stated.

“I know,” Connor muttered. “It sucks, trust me.”

Chapter Text

When Evan agreed to watching a movie at Connor’s house, he hadn’t realized that Connor would fall asleep twenty minutes into it. It wasn’t the sleeping that bothered him—well, it didn’t really bother him, it was just unexpected and he didn’t know how he was supposed to react to it. The problem was moments after Connor passed out, his head fell onto Evan’s shoulder.

It wasn’t that the contact made him uncomfortable. Connor had been hanging off of him earlier that day, so this shouldn’t have been that weird. What made Evan unsure of what to do was the fact that Connor probably didn’t know what he was doing. Evan didn’t know if conscious Connor would want to flop on him, and right now there wasn’t anyone around to witness, so it made it strangely intimate.

Evan could try to move him, but that would risk waking Connor up and he didn’t want to do that. Sleeping Connor looked happy, and Evan had a feeling Connor could use some happy right now. Evan vaguely wondered if Connor was dreaming and if those dreams were of some reality without assholes who called him the future school shooter.

That upset Evan more than it should. Still, he hadn’t meant to let Connor know that people were saying things about him when Evan walked into each classroom. Part of him was just angry, part of him didn’t want to curl up and hide because he felt like everyone’s eyes were boring into him and he couldn’t make himself small enough to not be seen. Part of him didn’t care, because it made his blood boil that anyone would say that about Connor.

He didn’t know why he cared. He probably wasn’t supposed to, but he hadn’t realized what Connor had to carry everyday. He’d thought that it hurt to blend into the background, but this was worse. The boy sleeping on his shoulder didn’t deserve this.

But the rest of him didn’t like the attention. He didn’t like that people were looking at him more now. He didn’t like being noticed like this. It wasn’t Connor’s fault, but it kinda was. He didn’t want to blame him, but he kinda did, because Connor hadn't needed to make that big of a show that morning.

Then again, it had kinda been worth it just to see that look on Jared’s face.

Evan was startled back to earth when he heard Connor’s front door close. Someone else was there. Someone else was about to walk into the room, and Connor was asleep so they were going to talk to Evan.

He wanted to nudge Connor, but couldn’t tell if he’d get mad. So instead he braced himself for his on coming death.

“Hey, Evan!” Zoe Murphy grinned at him. Alana Beck trailed behind her, wearing a matching smile.

“Hi, Zoe,” he stammered. “Connor's kinda—”

“Knocked out?” Zoe was smirking.

“Yeah,” Evan glanced down at Connor, who’s eyes were still shut.

“Whatcha watching?” Alana asked, looking at the TV.

“I don't know,” Evan admitted. “He put it on before he, you know, fell asleep.”

“He does this all the time,” Zoe groaned jokingly. “I don’t think he sleeps enough at night.”

“Yeah, that would make sense,” Evan laughed nervously.

He’d noticed the bags under Connor’s eyes the day before. They weren’t uncommon among teenagers, but Evan doubted that Connor lost sleep over studying.

He expected Zoe and Alana to keep walking, but they didn’t. He wasn’t sure if they were waiting for him to talk. He wasn’t sure why they’d want to talk to him at all. Maybe because they thought he was Connor’s boyfriend.

Did that mean that they were automatically his friends? Did that mean they automatically weren’t? Evan didn’t know if Zoe was protective of Connor, what if she didn’t think he was good enough for her brother? What if right now both her and Alana were silently agreeing on how much of a looser he was?

Evan was distracted by Connor suddenly shifting. At first he thought that meant Connor was going to wake up and say something, and he’d be spared of not knowing how to continue the conversation. Instead, Connor mumbled something illegible, and moved closer to Evan.

Evan felt himself freeze as Connor’s head softly rolled into his neck, and his arms snaked around his waste.

“I feel like I shouldn’t be watching this,” Zoe commented.

“Maybe,” Evan was able to get out. He could feel his whole face going red. Not so gently, he nudged the boy who was now practically on top of him. “Connor?”

“What?” Connor slowly groaned, not opening his eyes.

“Hi, Connor!” Zoe loudly chimed.

“Jesus Christ,” Connor shot to a sitting position, relinquishing his hold on Evan.

“You’re welcome,” Zoe gave Evan a knowing look.

“For what?” Connor narrowed his eyes at her.

“You’re mortifying your boyfriend, smart-ass,” she said sweetly.

“Shut up,” he rolled his eyes. “Hey, Alana.”

Alana waved at him.

“Thanks for making us walk home,” Zoe said dryly.

“I was asleep,” Connor stated.

“I know, I know,” she sighed. “You owe me.”

“So you’re not telling?” his voice was slightly cautious.

“I’m not,” Zoe confirmed. She started walking to the door. “We’ll be in my room.”

“Have fun,” Connor called at her back.

“What?” she glanced at him with a look Evan couldn’t read.

“Never mind,” Connor smirked.

“What was that?” Evan only asked once the girls were gone.

“What?” Connor leaned back into his couch. He was still smirking. Evan wasn’t sure he trusted this smirk.

“You weren’t actually asleep,” Evan realized.

“I was until she slammed the door,” Connor admitted.

“Of course,” Evan sighed.

“Sorry,” his voice wasn’t as light now.

“No, don't be,” Evan quickly responded.

Connor shrugged, his gaze flickered to the movie, but settled on Evan again.

“How do you feel?” he asked in a softer tone.

“I don’t know,” was all Evan could really say.

“Okay,” Connor nodded. “You want a ride home?”

“I could stay a little longer,” Evan started. “If you’re okay with that, I mean.”

“I’m okay with that,” the smirk was back.

“Thanks,” Evan looked at the hem of his shirt.

“What’s even happening?” Connor gestured to the TV screen.

“I don’t know,” Evan confessed, he hadn’t been paying much attention to the movie. “Someone got shot?”

“You were awake for it,” Connor reminded him.

“Yeah, but you're kinda distracting,” Evan informed him.

“What?” Connor slowly turned his full attention to him.

“Nothing,” Evan stammered.

“Hansen, were you fucking watching me sleep?” Connor asked.

“No!” Evan said too quickly.

“Oh my god,” Connor was gaping at him.

“I’m sorry!” Evan was ready for Connor to kick him out then and there.

“You’re so weird,” Connor shook his head.

“I know,” he mumbled.

Connor looked back at the movie. Evan tried to sink into the couch without letting Connor notice.

“Forewarning,” Connor started. “I don’t know when my mom’s gonna come home.”

“Okay,” Evan nodded.

“And she’s gonna try to talk to you,” he made clear.

“Okay.”

“To ensure you’re not a stoner,” he added.

“Oh,” Evan wasn’t sure what to say to this.

“Then again, she’ll probably just take one look at you and realize you’re not,” Connor laughed to himself.

“Thanks?” Evan glanced at him.

“You look really innocent,” Connor explained.

“Shut up,” Evan sighed.

“You hungry?” Connor tilted his head to look at him.

“Kinda,” Evna nodded

“You want food?” Connor asked.

“Um, that’s okay,” Evan said quickly. “I don’t want to inconvenience you.”

“Dude, I just fell asleep on you, we’re not strangers,” Connor told him in a monotone.

“Right,” Evan mumbled.

“I’m making a sandwich and giving you half on it,” Connor decided, standing from the couch.

“Thanks.”

He followed Connor out of the room, and down a hallway. Evan would get lost in this kind of house. He doubted he’d ever be able to get used to having this much space. Then again, Connor and Zoe had been born into it, so it was as normal to them as his small house was to him.

“Your kitchen is nice,” he commented

“It’s a kitchen,” Connor shrugged.

He pulled a loaf of bread and packet of cheese out of his refrigerator and dropped them on the counter. Evan leaned against the sink, watching him. He felt out of place here. This is Connor’s version of normal, and Evan shouldn’t be included. Connor shouldn’t act like it makes sense for Evan to be there.

“Are you burning cheese again?” Zoe asks as she enters the room and walks to the fridge.

“What happened to spending alone time with Alana?” Connor didn’t even look at her.

“I’m starting to think you just make up words instead of listening to me,” Zoe remarked, pulling out a box of cookies. She glances at Connor. “You’re gonna burn mom’s pan.”

“Actually, I’m going to use my Connor Murphy mad cooking skills,” he told her in a serious voice.

“Never speak again,” she deadpanned before breaking into a laugh.

“I’m guessing you didn’t take my advice,” he mused as she started walking out of the room.

“Can’t hear you,” she called back.

“What was—”

“She’s in love with Alana,” Connor cut Evan’s question off.

“Oh,” Evan didn’t know how he should react to this, much less how Connor would expect him to. “Do you always give her secrets away like that?”

“You’re the only person I’m telling,” Connor informed him.

“Why?”

Why should Evan be aloud to know this?

“It’d come up at some point,” Connor shrugged, turning his attention to the food he was making.

“You don’t think you’re trusting me too much?” Evan asked. “No, I get it. Who am I gonna tell, right?”

Evan was trust worthy by default. Connor could see this just as well as Evan could.

“Do you think I’m an asshole?” Connor turned to him.

“What?” Evan wasn’t sure if this was some sort of trick question.

“Honest answer, do you think I’m a jerk?” Connor didn’t look angry, Evan didn’t understand where this was coming from.

“Kinda,” he uttered.

“Okay,” Connor nodded. “That’s fair.”

“But only because you think you’re supposed to be,” Evan added before he could stop himself.

Connor gave him a quizzical look before saying: “Go on.”

“It’s just,” Evan wasn’t entirely sure how to articulate this. “You’ll be nice, then you’ll say something rude like it’s force of habit.”

“You’re observant,” Connor’s tone was guarded.

“I guess,” Evan mumbled.

“But you like me?” Connor asked as if he’d been meaning to get to this question the whole time.

“What?” Evan stammered.

“I mean as a person, stupid,” Connor rolled his eyes. “I get it if you don’t—”

“No, I think you’re nice!” Evan exclaimed.

“When I’m not acting out of habit,” Connor added with a slight grin.

“Yeah,” Evan allowed.

“Good,” Connor nodded again. “Because I’m not good at the whole friends thing, but I guess that’s kinda what this is.”

His voice was sheepish now, like he wasn’t sure if this was the right way to say what he was trying to. Evan could relate to that. Connor probably knew this—this was probably why Connor didn’t look that embarrassed right now.

“I thought it was fake,” Evan voiced because he had to. Connor had never said he wanted to be Evan’s friend. That wasn’t part of the deal he’d approached him with a few days ago.

“It is,” Connor didn’t brush off. “But we’re talking a lot.”

“Yeah,” Evan murmured.

“And it’s not as weird as I thought it would be,” Connor continued.

“Thanks.”

“You don’t have to keep saying that,” Connor told him.

“Sorry.”

“Or that,” Connor smirked slightly. “Which we’ve been over.”

“Right,” Evan let himself smile a little too. “I like talking to you.”

“Thanks,” Connor glanced back at the food he was making. He flipped the sandwich out of the pan and onto a paper plate. The plate was pushed into Evan’s hands. “Here, we should probably bounce now.”

“Oh, okay,” Evan didn’t expect to be ushered out so quickly.

“Now that I think about it, it’s better if you don’t meet my parents today,” Connor explained.

“Why?” Evan asked.

“Because you look tired of socially interacting,” Connor stated.

“How do I look like that?” Evan questioned.

“I don’t know, you just do,” Connor shrugged, leading him out of the room.

“Okay,” Evan followed.

“We can finish the movie another time,” Connor offered

“Or just start a different one,” Evan suggested.

“Yeah,” Connor agreed.

Chapter Text

Connor had almost gotten Evan to his car when he noticed his mother pulling up in the driveway.

“Fuck,” he glanced at Evan who had followed his gaze. “Get in the car.”

“Is that your mom?” Evan asked him.

“Yeah,” he confirmed. Evan wasn’t moving. “Hansen. Car. Now.”

“Okay,” Evan sprung into action, but he was too late.

“Who’s that?”

Connor didn’t know how is mother was such a fast walker. If he had any less pride, he’d ask her to teach him, since he could used her ability to sneak up on practically anyone.

“No one,” he said too quickly.

Evan froze, his hand on the car door. The hesitation was enough time for Connor’s mother to meet them. He knew Evan Hansen well enough to know that the boy wasn’t about to jump into his car and drive away when an adult was talking to them. Connor was stuck.

“Evan, this is my mom. Mom this is my boyfriend,” he sighed.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Evan sounded beyond nervous.

“Hi,” his mother’s voice was so warm it made Connor want to throw up. “I can’t say Connor’s told be about you.”

“And he has to go now, so,” Connor tried.

“You can’t stay for dinner?” she asked.

“Mom,” Connor shot her a look that she pointedly ignored.

“I don’t want to be an inconvenience,” Evan stammered.

“It’s not an inconvenience,” she told him. “Is it Connor?”

Any other time it probably wouldn’t be. But Connor wasn’t going to make this kid handle their whole family tonight. If it was just his mother, maybe, but today had been long enough without adding to it.

“No, I should go home,” Evan saved them. “My mom expects me to be back soon.”

“So, I’m driving him,” Connor added. “Bye—”

“How’s tomorrow night, then?” his mother asked.

“I, um,” Evan didn’t know what to say, Connor could see it on his face. “Sure?”

Connor pushed Evan into the car.

“I’ll be back in a bit,” he let his mother know before darting to the other side.

“I’m so sorry,” Evan blurted as soon as Connor closed his door.

“Do you really want to have dinner with my family?” Connor questioned, putting his car in gear.

“If you don’t want me to—”

“I think it’s a great idea,” he said honestly. “But you’re going to freak out half way through.”

“You think it’s a good idea?” Evan blinked at him.

“Yeah,” he nodded.

Sure, he didn’t want to deal with it tonight, but Zoe had been right about him needing to show his parents that Evan was a good influence. This was the easiest way.

“But you didn’t want me to talk to her,” Evan argued.

“Not right now,” Connor admitted. He’d been right about that, Evan had looked like a deer in headlights.

“I can,” Evan stated. “Dinner, I mean.”

“You sure?” Connor glanced at him.

“No,” Evan said honestly.

“I’ll get Zoe to bring Alana,” Connor suggested.

“You sure that’s not just gonna make it more weird?” Evan asked.

“She can talk a lot, so we won’t have to,” Connor shrugged. Evan nodded, his eyes were distant. “Or I could tell my mom that I don’t want you to be around all of them.”

“No, no, I can handle it,” Evan said quickly.

Connor didn’t try to argue. This was Evan’s call.

“Connor are you gonna?” Evan gestured to the sandwich he was still holding.

“No, you can have it,” Connor told him.

“Did you trick me into letting you make me food?” Evan sounded like he wasn’t sure if he should laugh or be annoyed.

“Yes,” Connor grinned.

“You’re a good fake boyfriend,” Evan informed him.

“You didn’t eat all day,” Connor shrugged.

“How do you know?” Evan asked.

“I was with you for most of it,” Connor reminded him.

“You only had a bag of chips,” Evan pointed out.

“Still more than nothing,” Connor replied.

“You don’t have to worry about me,” Evan’s tone was softer now

“I’m not, I’m just noticing,” Connor tried to sound neutral. “Eat the sandwich, Hansen.”

They didn’t talk much for the rest of the car ride. It was only when he was driving back that Connor let himself admit that he hadn’t thought things through very well. Then again, he doubted he would have been able to predict that Evan Hansen could be so fucking cute.

Evan was a step away from entering the school building when he heard someone calling his name. He turned around him time to see Connor running toward him.

“Hey, do you walk to school?” Connor slung an arm around Evan’s shoulders. He looked a lot brighter than he had the morning before.

“Sometimes,” Evan answered.

“I could have given you a ride,” Connor said as if asking someone for a ride was easy.

“That’s okay,” Evan mumbled.

“Dude, you’re being forced to come to dinner at my house, you’re aloud favors,” Connor let him know.

“Okay,” Evan agreed.

Connor really didn’t look angry today. Every time Evan had seen him at school he looked at least a little angry. Yesterday he’d looked like he wanted to punch a wall. The happy-go-lucky demeanor was weird.

“I’m gonna walk you to class today,” Connor informed him.

“Why?” Evan asked before he could stop himself.

“Because I’m a good fake boyfriend,” Connor smirked.

His arm was still around Evan’s shoulders

“Connor,” Evan said his name slowly.

“What?” Connor’s eyes flickered to him.

“Are you guarding me?” He asked.

“That’s a really weird way to say it,” Connor laughed.

“But you are,” Evan wasn’t asking anymore.

“If people whisper, they’re gonna whisper to my face,” Connor justified.

Evan wasn’t sure why, but that made him feel kinda happy. It was like they were a team or something.

“Did you finish Wuthering Heights?” he asked.

“Not yet,” Connor hummed.

“I liked the ending,” Evan commented.

“You’ve been making fun of it since I told you I was reading it,” Connor reminded him.

“That doesn’t mean I don’t like it,” Evan replied.

Connor shook his head.

“Are you skipping again?” Evan wondered.

“Maybe.” The way Connor said this made Evan feel like it depended on him. Whispers or not, that didn’t make sense.

“I can’t,” he uttered.

“Then no,” Connor answered.

“You don’t have to,” Evan tried.

“Too bad, I am,” Connor’s response was air tight. “You wanna eat lunch in my car?”

“Sure,” Evan agreed. Anything to avoid the cafeteria.

Connor wasn’t lying about walking Evan to class, Evan hadn’t doubted him. He just hadn’t realized that he meant every class. About halfway through the day people stopped staring. He only caught Connor glaring at passers by a few times. Each instance, he’d tried to cover it up with a shrug or a grin that didn’t seem exceedingly forced.

They walked to Connor’s car once it was lunch time. It felt oddly normal. Evan kinda liked it.

“I’m trying to set up Zoe and Alana,” Connor informed him as he leaned back in the driver’s seat.

“I thought you were making fun of her,” Evan blurted.

“That too,” Connor didn’t deny.

“How?” Evan asked, quickly adding: “Are you gonna set them up?”

“No idea,” he admitted. “Zoe won’t listen to me.”

“You could go to Alana,” Evan suggested.

“If I tell her Zoe will murder me,” he didn’t sound like he was exaggerating. “Whether or not she feels the same.”

“Do you know that she does?” Evan questioned.

“How could she not?” Connor replied. “It’s Zoe.”

“I think you’re kinda biased,” Evan laughed a little. “But you’re probably right.”

“I am,” Connor informed him seriously.

“I could talk to her,” Evan was suggesting before he realized what he was doing.

“You think she’d tell you?” Connor mused.

“Maybe,” Evan shrugged

“Don’t tell Zoe I told you about this,” he added.

“I know, I wasn’t going to,” Evan let him know. “But not telling her rules out my only idea to set them up.”

“Which is?” Connor raised an eyebrow.

“Loudly talking about Zoe maybe liking her when we know Alana can over hear,” Evan said sheepishly.

“Hansen,” Connor gave him a quizzical look. “Are you trying to Much Ado About Nothing them?”

“I didn’t think you’d get that,” Evan said sheepishly.

“You’re such a nerd,” Connor laughed, but it didn’t sound mean. “We could do that for Zoe.”

“You’re joking, right?” Evan gaped at him.

“Nope,” Connor grinned.

“Connor, they’re not gonna fall for a Shakespeare reference,” Evan was laughing now.

“You don’t know that,” Connor tried.

“You can’t just convince your sister to ask her out?” Evan asked.

“Things are holding her back,” Connor sighed.

“That’s kinda normal,” Evan put in.

“I know, but it’s stupid,” he complained.

“Have you ever actually asked someone out?” Evan questioned.

“No.”

“So, you don’t really have room to judge,” Evan pointed out.

“You’re not apologizing,” Connor noticed. “That was an honest comment and you’re not backpedaling.”

“Yeah.”

“Well,” Connor stated. “I fake asked you out.”

“It’s not the same,” Evan told him.

“It still took nerve, it should count for something,” Connor said.

“I guess,” Evan allowed. “But if I rejected you you wouldn’t be sad.”

“No, I’d be humiliated because you’d go and tell everyone that I asked you to pretend to be my boyfriend,” Connor argued.

“I wouldn’t tell anyone,” Evan said sheepishly.

“You would,” Connor told him. “If I were you, I would.”

“Connor, who would I tell?” Evan questioned.

“Jared Kleinman,” Connor deadpanned.

“Okay, fair,” Evan admitted. “But that’s one person.”

“Who would tell the whole school,” Connor pointed out.

“Okay, also fair,” Evan nodded. “But it’s not the same as heart ache.”

“My life would be over.”

“That’s not true,” Evan shook his head.

“It would feel like it,” Connor said.

“But it wouldn’t make you think you weren’t good enough for the only person who made being stuck in this place bearable. It wouldn’t hurt like there was something stuck in your chest and you couldn’t get it out because it’s some how become a part of you,” Evan caught himself. Why had he just told Connor that? “I mean—”

“Speaking from experience?” Connor was giving him an unreadable look.

“No,” Evan said too quickly.

“Yeah right,” Connor scoffed.

“It’s just what I thought—”

“Who is it?” he asked.

“No one,” Evan wanted to fall through the seat of the car.

“Come on, who am I gonna tell?” Connor pressed.

“I don’t like them anymore,” Evan stated.

“It’s not still apart of you?” Connor raised an eyebrow.

“Don’t make fun of me.” This was a mistake. It was all a mistake.

“I won’t.” The grin was gone from Connor’s face.

“I’m over them,” Evan said honestly. “It just used to feel like that.”

“And it doesn’t anymore?” Connor didn’t seem like he was doubting him.

“No, I,” he stammered. “It stopped after a while.”

“That sounds easy,” Connor stated.

“It wasn’t,” Evan assured him.

“Was it Kleinman?” he asked.

“God no,” Evan laughed.

“So who then?” Connor pressed.

“Connor, I can’t,” he stuttered.

“Fine.” The closed off expression was suddenly on Connor’s face. “Forget I asked.”

“I didn’t mean to,” he tried.

“No, it’s personal,” Connor sounded offended. “I get it.”

“It was Zoe,” Evan heard his voice say. He froze.

“What the fuck?” Connor was staring at him.

“I didn’t just say that,” Evan wanted to die.

“Hansen,” Connor looked angry. Evan was going to die.

“I have to go,” Evan blurt, opening the car door.

“Hold on—”

He ran. He didn’t stop running when he was back in the school building. He didn’t stop running when he turned into the stairwell.

He did stop running when he was tumbling onto stairs.

Vaguely he realized that someone had tripped him. Luckily he’d caught himself on his good arm. He had decent reflexes. He wondered if whoever had tried to trip him realized how bad of a fall that could have been. His body forgot how to move, oddly content with his face being plastered to the concrete stair his foot had been on second’s ago.

“Holy shit,” Connor’s voice brought him back to earth.

Suddenly arms were pulling him into a sitting position. Evan winced. Connor didn’t look angry anymore, if anything he looked worried. Evan wasn’t sure if he deserved that.

“What the hell happened?” Connor questioned.

“I tripped,” his voice was numb.

“Someone tripped you,” Connor heard the unspoken words.

“No—”

“Evan,” he was glaring now, but Evan didn’t feel like the malice was supposed to be directed at him.

“Yeah,” he admitted. “But I didn’t see who it was. It doesn’t matter.”

“You could have hurt your arm,” Connor was looking at his cast.

“It’s already broken, so—”

“Did you hit your head?” Connor asked suddenly.

“I don’t think so,” Evan unconsciously touched the back of his head.

“You’d kinda be able to feel it,” Connor stated.

“Right,” he nodded.

“You really didn’t see who it was?” his voice wasn’t as hard now.

“No,” Evan shook his head. “Connor about what I said—”

“Look,” Connor sighed. “I was coming here to kick your ass, but I’m kinda pissed off that someone else tried to.”

“Thanks?” Evan wasn’t sure what to say.

“You seriously liked me sister?” he didn’t sound upset about it.

“I don’t anymore,” Evan meant this. Until now he hadn’t realized how much he meant this.

“That’s so weird,” Connor shook his head.

“I know.”

“She’s a year younger than you,” he pointed out.

“That’s not that much,” Evan mumbled.

“She’s—”

“I know, I get it,” Evan blurted. “She’d out of my league and I don’t even know her, and why would anyone want to date me anyway.”

“Woah, calm down,” Connor’s hand was on his shoulder. “I wasn’t going to say any of that.”

“Oh.”

“Why did you agree to go out with me if you liked her?” Connor asked slowly.

“We’re not going out,” Evan argued.

“You know what I mean,” Connor said.

“I didn’t think it’d come up,” Evan said sheepishly.

“Dear God,” Connor had an unreadable expression again.

“And I don’t have feelings anymore, so it shouldn’t be a problem!” Evan said quickly.

“You seriously don’t still like her?” Connor asked.

“I don’t,” Evan told him for what felt like the thousandth time. “I’ll even help you set her up with Alana.”

“You’re so weird,” Connor informed him.

“You say that a lot,” Evan mumbled.

“Oh, sorry,” Connor’s eyes widened slightly.

“No, I’m not offended,” Evan made clear.

“You’re not out of her league,” Connor said thoughtfully. “I mean, it would never work out, but not because you’re not good enough.”

“Thanks,” Evan mumbled.

“I mean it,” Connor smiled at him. “You’re kinda amazing.”

“I don’t,” Evan trailed off.

“Come on,” Connor stood up. “We’re gonna be late for class.”

Evan let Connor help him up. His ribs felt kinda sore, but he didn’t think that he was actually hurt. That was lucky. Well, being not pushed down stairs would have been lucky.

“You sure you’re okay?” Connor asked.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded.

“I’ll kill whoever did that,” Connor didn’t sound like he was joking.

“I didn’t see who it was,” Evan reminded him.

“Then I’ll kill everyone,” Connor stated.

“Don’t say that,” Evan groaned.

“I mean it.”

“Thanks,” Evan uttered.

“For what?” Connor glanced at him.

“Not killing me and saying all that stuff,” he let himself smile. Connor smiled back.

“But just so we’re clear,” Connor’s voice had a humor to it. “You don’t have a thing for Kleinman?”

“No.”

Chapter Text

“You’re sure about this?” Connor was drumming his fingers on the steering wheel of his car.

They had parked three minutes ago, but he hand’t stepped out. Evan was waiting for his cue. Saying Connor looked tense was an understatement.

“This is the fifth time you asked me that,” Evan stated.

“I know,” Connor sighed.

“You’re more stressed than I am,” Evan commented.

“I know.”

“You sure about this?” Evan mirrored the questioned.

“No,” Connor admitted.

“That’s very reassuring,” he attempted a joke.

“I try,” Connor said dryly.

“If you want me to leave at any point,” Evan started.

“I’ll forcibly drag you out of the room,” Connor finished.

“Sounds fun,” Evan laughed.

Connor looked at him. Evan didn’t know what that look meant.

“Hey, Evan?” he said.

“Yeah?”

“Never mind,” he shook his head. “Let’s go ensure my death.”

“Right,” Evan followed him to the house.

Connor’s mother was cooking, Connor pulled Evan out of the room before saying that he needed to talk to her. Evan just nodded. Instead of leaving him in the living room, Connor directed Evan to his room, telling him just to wait there. Evan appreciated that. He’d feel too open sitting on Connor’s couch.

He was only waiting for a minute or two when there was a knock on the not completely closed door. It was too tentative to be Connor.

“Hey, is it okay if I come in?” Zoe asked.

“Yeah, sure,” Evan was currently sitting on Connor’s bed trying very hard not to touch anything so as not to make Connor as more tightly wound than he was at the moment.

“This is a weird question,” Zoe sat next to him. “But have people at school been giving you and Connor shit?”

“Um, no,” Evan said quickly. “Not really.”

“You don’t have to lie to me,” she started.

“I’m not—” He caught himself. “It’s that obvious?”

“Yeah,” she smiled slightly. “I’m only asking because he doesn’t talk to me about this kind of stuff.”

Evan didn’t imagine Connor would tell Zoe about people giving him a hard time at school. Still, they went to the same school so she had to know he didn’t fit in. Well, just knowing Connor was enough proof to confirm that he didn’t fit in.

“He doesn’t want you to worry,” Evan tried to avoid the question.

“Or to look weak in front of me,” she sounded a little annoyed.

“You are his little sister,” Evan stated.

“Who’s seen him at his worse,” she countered.

“Fair point,” he said.

“I’m mainly worried he’s gonna get himself into trouble,” she admitted.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded.

Connor wasn’t exactly the most passive person he’d ever met.

“So,” she smiled at him again. “I thought maybe we could work together to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

“Okay, yeah,” he smiled back at her.

“Thanks.”

“But really, no one’s bothering us,” he tried again.

“Alana said she heard something,” Zoe explained.

“It’s just people talking, and someone tried to trip me, but that’s not—”

“Someone tripped you?” the smile vanished from her face.

Why had he let himself say that? What part of him thought that would be a good idea?

“No!” he sputtered.

“Who?” she all but demanded.

“I didn’t see,” he told her honestly.

“Oh my God!” The expression on her face was so similar to the one Connor had after it happened.

“Zoe, wait, please don’t make a big deal about it?” he blurted.

“Does Connor know?” she asked.

“Yeah, he found me,” Evan stated.

“Found you?” her eyes narrowed.

“On the stairs,” he mumbled.

“Oh my god,” she said again.

“It’s fine,” Evan tried to assure her. “I kinda caught myself.”

“And he didn’t go ballistic?” she questioned.

“Not really,” Evan shrugged.

“Wow,” she voiced.

“Is that something that normally happens?” he asked.

“No,” she said too quickly. “He’s just—”

“What are you talking about?” Connor was standing at the door with a raised eyebrow.

“You,” Zoe informed him.

“Oh God,” he groaned as he walked into the room.

“So you got an escape plan?” Zoe asked him brightly.

“Do I need one?” he plopped onto the bed next to Evan, but his eyes traveled past to Zoe.

“You’re in a good mood,” Zoe commented.

“It’s a rarity,” he smirked.

“You know what she’s making?” Zoe wondered.

“Nope,” Connor shook his head. “It looked edible for the most part.”

He looked at Evan, who tried to give him a reassuring smile.

“You know we could—”

“Always leave,” Evan cut him off. “Yeah, I know.”

“That’s my cue to get out,” Zoe stood up.

“Yep,” Connor confirmed.

She rolled her eyes as she pulled the door closed behind her. Connor leaned back on the bed.

“You’re room’s nice,” Evan voiced.

“It’s a mess,” he deadpanned. “What were you guys talking about?”

“You,” Evan echoed Zoe.

“That’s weird,” Connor informed him. “Was she interrogating you?”

“Not really,” Evan answered honestly. “Do you talk to her a lot?”

“More than we used to.” A sad look flashed in his eyes. “But not about real shit or anything awkward.”

“Right,” Evan nodded.

“What was she asking?” Connor wondered.

“Just if people at school were bothering us,” Evan didn’t see the point in hiding it from him.

“What did you tell her?”

“That people were talking,” Evan answered.

“And someone tried to hurt you,” Connor said darkly.

“When you say it like that it sounds worse than it is,” Evan tried to brush off. “I didn’t mean to tell her that part.”

“You could have gotten injured,” his tone hadn’t lessened.

“But I didn’t, so it’s fine,” Evan tired to make his voice firm, but he couldn’t when Connor was staring at him like that.

“It’s my fault,” Connor murmured. “This was a stupid idea.”

“You were smiling a second ago,” Evan reminded him.

“I was,” his lips pressed tightly. “Is it weird to talk to Zoe?”

“No, not really,” Evan stammered. “I mean, yeah, but not because of, you know.”

“Yeah,” Connor understood.

“I’m sorry,” Evan felt like he needed to say that.

“For liking my sister?” he asked. “I don’t blame you, she’s perfect. She’s always been perfect, even when she thinks she isn’t.”

“You care about her a lot,” Evan noticed.

“When no one's looking,” Connor said sadly.

“I think she worries about you,” Evan told him.

“Of course she does I’m fucking crazy,” he laughed mirthlessly.

“I don’t think you’re crazy,” Evan mumbled. “You were gonna say something in the car.”

“What?” Connor blinked at him.

“You said ‘hey, Evan,’” he reminded.

“Oh right,” Connor’s gaze flickered away from him.

“What was it?” he asked.

“Nothing,” Connor said unconvincingly.

“Dinner’s ready!” Connor’s mother’s voice called from the other room.

“Kill me now,” Connor sighed as he dragged himself up.

“You’re the one who thought it would be a good idea,” Evan reminded him.

“I know,” Connor admitted. “Can I hold your hand?”

“Yeah,” Evan took Connor’s hand in his.

Connor liked holding Evan’s hand more than he should. He liked talking to Evan more than he should. Everything having to do with Evan had turned into more than it was supposed to be, and he didn’t know how to hide it.

It was probably because he wasn’t used to spending this much time with someone. He didn’t actually have a crush on Evan, he just thought he did. It was like he was getting sucked into their own charade. He hated it, but at the same time—

Evan was nice. He didn’t like it when Connor insulted himself, and he talked to him like he wasn’t afraid Connor was going to explode at any second. Connor didn’t expect himself to get so angry at the thought of people at their school messing with Evan. He wasn’t exaggerating when he said it was his fault. He’d promised the opposite would happen if Evan went along with this, but all he’d managed to do is let someone try to trip him down a flight of stairs.

If someone ever did that when Connor was around then he’d give a handful of the rumors floating around about him some validation.

But he wasn’t supposed to be thinking about this now.

He was right in thinking that Alana would take up most of the air around the dinner table chatting about this and that. He let go of Evan’s hand when his mother served the food, but he knew that both his parents took notice of that. His father hadn’t said anything. His mother was too busy trying to follow whatever Alana was babbling about.

He shot glances at Evan as much as he could. Evan noticed most of them, and answered a few with a smile. The fifth time he nudged Connor’s foot under the table.

“I have a jazz band concert coming up,” Zoe said suddenly.

“Did they give you a solo?” Their mother asked her.

“Yeah, actually,” she smiled.

“That’s great, sweetie,” their father spoke.

“You guys could come,” she was looking at Connor now. “I can give you my comp tickets.”

She hadn’t invited him to one of her concerts since her freshman year. He hadn’t shown up. He’d been angry about something stupid and wanted to make her feel like he didn’t care about her. It worked and she stopped inviting him.

“Sure,” his voice sounded more surprised than he wanted it to.

“Seriously?” Zoe blinked at him.

“Yeah,” he nodded. “Why not? When is it?”

“Friday.”

“You free?” he glanced at Evan who nodded quickly.

“Yeah,” he looked back and forth between the two of them. “I’d love to come.”

“I assume you’re inviting me too,” Alana piped up.

“Obviously,” Zoe grinned at her. Connor knew that grin. It was the one that she reserved only for Alana.

“No, she’s just talking about it in front of you because she’s a bitch,” Connor commented dryly.

“Language,” his father warned.

Connor rolled his eyes.

“So,” his mother spoke up. “Evan, tell us about yourself.”

“Oh, um,” Evan was stammering already. “There’s not really much to tell.”

“I’m sure that’s not true,” she replied. “What are your interests?”

“Well, I,” Evan sputtered.

“Mom, don’t put him on the spot,” Connor cut in.

“No, it’s okay,” Evan said quickly. “I like trees.”

And that was how Evan spent twenty minutes telling Connor’s family about trees. Ten minutes in Zoe made eye contact with Connor and mouthed “good job.” Connor knew he should have probably cut Evan off or tried to change the subject sooner, but he kinda liked hearing it. He enjoyed listening to Evan.

“That was a lot less horrible that you said it would be,” Evan stated as he walked with Connor to the car.

They were holding hands again. Connor’s hands were smoother than Evan expected them to be. He’d given up worrying about if his were too sweaty. Connor could always let go. Actually, at this point one of them probably should. It wasn’t going to be Evan.

“I don’t know how,” Connor voiced.

“Does Zoe usually invite you to her concerts?” Evan couldn’t help asking him.

“Am I that easy to read?” Connor sighed.

“It was more her than you,” Evan still didn’t deny it.

“You’re starting to know too much about me, Hansen,” Connor said dryly.

“If you say you’re going to have to kill me…” Evan mumbled.

“I might,” Connor smirked. Evan nearly stumbled into the car. “You okay?”

“I’m really tired,” he confessed.

Connor opened his car door for him.

“Thanks,” Evan said.

“It’s a short drive,” Connor reminded him as he slid into his side of the car. “Did you not sleep last night or something?”

“It’s been a long day,” Evan avoided the answer to that.

“I’ll second that,” Connor stated.

“You know,” Evan looked at him. “You’re a lot smarter than you let people think.”

“Yeah, I love to make the whole school think I’m an idiot,” Connor deadpanned.

“But that’s what you do,” Evan argued. “If you talked in class—”

“You’re gonna lecture me about talking in class?” Connor scoffed, but it didn’t sound irritable.

“I can’t talk to people, Connor,” Evan told him. “You don’t care what they think so why let them think something that’s wrong.”

“I do care what people think,” Connor’s voice was stone.

“It wasn’t supposed to sound like that,” Evan mumbled.

“I know,” Connor smiled slightly.

“We should have talked before," Evan murmured.

“I thought you were scared of me before,” Connor countered.

“I might have been a little," Evan knew he couldn't lie around that. “But that doesn’t matter.”

"What would we have even talked about?" Connor questioned

“What do we talk about now?” Evan asked back.

“Fake dating.”

“And books,” Evan added.

“And trees,” Connor grinned.

“Yeah,” Evan rubbed the back of his neck. He hadn’t meant to start babbling earlier.

“You didn’t tell me about that,” Connor said lightly.

“It never came up,” Evan tried to shrug off.

“You impressed my parents,” Connor let him know.

“I didn’t,” he brushed off.

“No,” Connor shook his head. “They definitely wondered why on earth you’d date someone like me.”

“Don’t say that,” Evan’s voice was smaller now.

“It’s a joke,” Connor told him. “And we’re not dating so—”

“You’re more capable than me,” Evan stated.

“Yeah, that’s an impressive quality,” Connor rolled his eyes. “‘Connor what are you good at?’ ‘Oh, well, I’m very capable.’”

“I mean, you don’t let stuff stand in your way,” Evan tried to explain.

“I do,” Connor said seriously. “All the time.”

“You don’t when it counts,” Evan replied.

“You’ve known me for how many days?” he asked sarcastically.

“Yeah, and the whole time you’ve done everything you set your mind to,” Evan argued.

“Because deciding to cut class or chase someone down a hall takes a lot of nerve,” Connor rolled his eyes.

“It does for me,” Evan stated sheepishly.

That changed something in Connor’s expression.

“You’re a better person than I am,” he told Evan.

“Because I don’t do drugs?” Evan asked dryly.

“Zoe wants me to quit,” Connor murmured.

“Why don’t you?” Evan asked.

“It’s not that easy,” Connor brushed off.

“You could try,” Evan pushed.

“I am, it’s just, what you saw today isn’t what it’s like all the time,” Connor’s voice had something in it Evan’s hadn’t heard from him before. “Sometimes its great, but sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes we’re yelling at each other, and my mom won’t listen to me, and my dad just ignores everything. And sometimes I lash out at Zoe and she lashes back and any progress we try to make at times like this just goes back to square one. And one of these days she’s going to get tired of it. I don’t know what to do then.”

“Connor,” Evan whispered.

“Pretend you didn’t hear any of that,” Connor winced.

“It’s okay to tell someone,” Evan let him know.

“You didn’t ask for this,” Connor sighed.

“Then I’m asking now,” Evan decided. “You said we were friends.”

“I did.”

“So you can tell me stuff like that,” he finished.

“Okay,” Connor nodded. “Thanks.”

“And if I can help—”

“You are helping,” Connor insisted.

“By pretending to date you?” Evan wondered.

“By making them think that someone would want to be with me without obligation,” Connor answered.

“Someone will,” he uttered.

“Yeah, someday when I’m out of high school and everything is perfect and everyone magically forgets that I’m a freak,” Connor rolled his eyes.

“You’re not a freak,” Evan made his voice firm.

“I am.”

“Then so am I,” he declared.

“This your way of saying I’m not alone,” Connor glanced at him.

“Yeah,” he nodded.

“Then you’re not alone either, okay?” A soft smile formed on Connor’s face.

“Got it.”

Evan wanted to tell Connor that he wasn’t just trying to make him feel better. Connor wasn’t a waste and he wasn’t half as broken as he let on. He just didn’t have enough people around him who realized it. He deserved someone who did. People just didn’t realize how amazing he was. People couldn’t see that he was intelligent, and considerate, and had a sense of humor when he wasn’t insulting himself.

Evan wanted to tell him that he didn’t have to pretend that someone wanted him out of obligation, or because they though they’d get something out of it. Because Evan just might—

“I’ll walk you to your door this time,” Connor’s voice broke through his thoughts.

“Okay,” he nodded.

He pulled himself out of the car. Giving Connor a second to do the same and walk to his side.

“Thanks again,” Connor said as they walked to Evan’s porch. “I owe you.”

“Yeah, you kinda do,” Evan joked.

“We could do family dinner at your house next,” Connor suggested.

“Alana won’t be there to talk at everyone,” Evan pointed out.

“We’ll figure something out,” Connor shrugged.

They reached the door.

“Goodnight,” Evan said.

“Night.” Connor hesitated for a second, before pulling Evan into a hug. “You walking to school tomorrow?”

“Probably,” Evan nodded as Connor released him.

“I’ll drive you,” he decided.

“If it’s out of your way—”

“It’s not,” Connor stated.

“Thanks,” Evan smiled.

“Bye,” Connor stepped backward.

Evan went inside, letting the door swing shut behind him.

“Have a nice night?” his mother asked from where she was sitting on the couch.

“I think I like him,” Evan didn’t mean to say out loud.

“Sweetie, that’s usually why people start dating,” she gave him a quizzical look.

“Yeah, yeah I know,” he tried to cover. “I’m tired. I’m gonna go to bed. Night, Mom.”

“Night, honey,” she called after him as he tried not to bolt straight to his room.

Chapter Text

“Back already?” Zoe mused when Connor opened the door of her room.

He wasn’t entirely sure why he was here, but he hadn’t fucked anything up over the past few days so he might as well try to act like they were a normal pair of siblings. Plus, Alana was currently sitting on Zoe’s floor, and maybe if Connor tried hard enough he could telepathically force Zoe to ask her out.

Yeah, completely normal pair of siblings….

“It’s a short drive,” he shrugged.

“Are they asleep yet?” Zoe meant their parents.

“Yeah,” Connor had seen their bedroom light out when he passed by. “Why?”

“I’m starving,” Zoe sprang to her feet.

“We just had dinner,” Alana reminded her.

“I’m starving for ice cream,” Zoe decided.

“We’re out,” Connor told her.

“Seriously?” She exclaimed.

“Yup.”

“Can I borrow your car?” she asked.

“To get ice-cream at ten on a school night?” Connor summed up.

“Yeah.”

“Here,” he tossed her the keys.

Alana laughed.

“Be right back,” Zoe was practically out the door. “Entertain each other.”

“I’m not baby sitting her,” Connor complained.

“No, she’s baby sitting you,” Zoe said dryly.

“It’s true,” Alana let him know.

“I’m going to bed,” Connor told them.

“No, you want ice cream,” Zoe dismissed.

“I don’t,” he stated.

“You’re stressed,” she said as if that was a counter argument enough.

“Whatever,” he rolled his eyes.

She beamed at him before letting the door swing closed behind her.

“You’re really gonna come to her concert?” Alana asked him.

“Yeah,” he sat down next to her.

“Good,” she smiled at him.

“And if I don’t show up you’ll break my legs, right?” he was only half joking.

“I’ll have to,” she nodded.

“Good,” he wanted to hear that. The thought of her worrying about Zoe made him feel better. He’d failed a lot as her brother, but at least Zoe would always have Alana looking out for her.

“You seem happy,” Alana let him know. “That’s odd for you.”

“I know,” he chuckled. “It’s not normal.”

“Zoe’s proud,” she voiced.

“Do you guys tell each other literally everything?” he laughed outright.

“Not everything,” her voice was smaller now.

Alana could keep a secret if she had to. Connor had witnessed her keep Zoe’s and some of their families. Still, it’s always harder to keep your own secret. Those are the ones that you’ll always want to tell just one person. Until a second ago, Connor had been certain that he didn’t know anyone he could trust with his.

“Then, can I get your advise on something she can’t know about?” he asked before he could think twice.

“Depends on what it is,” she looked a little concerned.

“I need you to promise you won’t snitch before I say anything,” he told her.

“Okay,” she nodded. “I promise. What is it?”

He told her about getting his ‘brilliant’ idea, about chasing Evan down the hall. He remembered talking about books and things that were too personal. He voiced walking Evan to class because he didn’t want anyone to hurt him, and then not being there when it actually counted. He spilled all of the things he had sworn he wasn’t going to tell a soul.

“So,” Alana said slowly. “Do you want out or something?”

He respected her. Anyone else probably would have voiced some judgment, but she was trying to understand.

“No, it’s not that,” he told her.

“Then what’s wrong?” she asked.

“I,” he swallowed. “I like him.”

“You like him?” she repeated.

“Yeah,” he nodded.

“You like the boy you’re pretending to date?” she blinked at him.

“I didn’t mean to,” he exclaimed. “He just, there’s something about him. He’s sweet, he listens to me. And if someone tries to hurt him again I swear to God I’ll—”

“Break their legs?” There was a sad smile on her face.

“What do I do?” he sighed.

“It’s funny,” she wasn’t laughing. “I was going to ask you what I should do.”

“What?”

“I thought you asked Evan out,” she explained. “And I wanted to know how on earth you could just do that like it wasn’t terrifying, but—”

“But turns out I’m just pathetic,” Connor finished.

“You’re not pathetic,” she told him. “That actually was a pretty smart idea.”

“Falling for him wasn’t,” Connor sighed.

“No, that was stupid,” she stated.

“Thanks,” he muttered. “So, who are you going to ask out?”

He tried to fake an innocent tone, but the look on her face told him it didn’t work.

“You know,” she said seriously. “Don’t patronize me.”

“Just say it so I know I’m not crazy,” he pressed.

“Connor,” her voice was dry. “I am in love with your sister.”

“Okay.”

“What do I do?” she didn’t seem like she expected an answer, especially after everything he had just told her.

“Ask her to go to the movies with you,” Connor said anyway. “Buy her flowers, whatever you think is romantic.”

For a second, she looked like she was about to argue. Then she pursed her lips and something in her eyes changed.

“Would you do that for Evan?” She asked after a second.

“If I could, yeah,” he admitted. He’d love to do that for Evan. He’d love to show Evan he deserved things like that.

“Why can’t you?” she asked.

“It’d freak him out,” Connor told her. “I’ve been hanging off him because it’s just pretend. That has to be some sort of violation.”

“And being Zoe’s best friend for years and knowing all her secrets is any less of one?” she asked.

He saw her point. If anything, her’s was more valid than his. She didn’t know that her fears were pointless, it wasn’t like Zoe had hinted to her feelings at all. It was so obvious for Connor, but that was just because he was a bystander. Everything looked more simple to the observer.

“What if she likes you too?” he asked.

“Do you know that for a fact?” she searched his expression.

He had to mask, whether he wanted to or not. He couldn’t tell her. Even if it worked out, it wasn’t worth the risk of Zoe feeling betrayed by him. No matter how good things were now, Connor knew he didn’t have very many chances left.

“No,” he stated.

She sighed, her gaze traced her hands.

“What if Evan wants to date you for real?” she asked him, there was a change in her voice.

“Why would he?” Connor scoffed.

“Maybe because every time you looked at him tonight he got this lovestruck smile on his face,” she replied.

Connor felt something catch in his chest, but tried his best to push the feeling down.

“And?” he tried to hide the hope from his voice.

“And people don’t smile like that for people they don’t like,” she said.

“Do you know that for a fact?” he echoed her words.

“No,” she admitted. “When did you realize?”

“I don’t know,” he shook his head. “Gradually? It wasn’t that bad until he started talking about what rejection feels like.”

“He got rejected?” she asked.

“Kinda,” Connor didn’t know what else to call it, and he couldn’t explain it to Alana. “It was a while ago.”

“Did that make you jealous?” she asked, smiling slightly.

“Do you get jealous when Zoe talks about other people?” he asked dryly.

“She hasn’t for a while,” Alana shrugged. “But I used to.”

“Everything would be perfect if it wasn’t a lie,” Connor heard how numb his voice was.

“Why didn’t you just ask him out instead of having him go along with a lie?” Alana wondered.

Connor wanted to wish he’d done that, but the reasonable corner of his brain knew that things wouldn’t have worked out this way if he had. He would have made too many mistakes early on and Evan wouldn’t have a reason to forgive the accidental insults. Besides, Evan wouldn’t have gone out with him for real.

“I’m not that much of an asshole,” he simplified the answer. “I didn’t think it was gonna be like this.”

“Sorry,” the smile was sad now. “If you thought you had a chance, would you try?”

“Yeah,” he said without a second’s hesitation.

“Even if there was a chance that everything would be ruined?” she added. “That he’d stop talking to you.”

“Yeah,” he nodded slowly. “I think I would.”

He meant this. If Evan gave any indication that he wanted Connor, then Connor would do everything he could to win him. But he couldn’t do that without knowing it wouldn’t scare Evan away.

“I think you guys would be cute,” Alana said softly.

“We are cute,” he told her. “It’s just not real.”

“Yeah.”

“He could do better,” Connor didn’t entirely mean to voice.

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” she said.

“There is so much wrong with me, and you know it,” he scoffed.

“Connor,” she started.

“I’ve insulted him without meaning to so many times,” Connor’s voice threatened to shake, but he forced it to be still. “I made him run out of my car because he didn’t know how I’d react to something. He can do so much better.”

“And if he wants you?” She asked.

“Then that’d be great,” he stated. “It’d be more then great.”

“I’m not much help,” she said shyly.

“It helps to tell someone,” he’d kept everything bottled up in his brain thus far. “Zoe can’t—”

“Know about it,” Alana cut him off. “Yeah, I get it.

“Thanks,” he stood up. “I think I’ll pass on the ice cream.”

“Your loss,” she forced a grin.

“Ask her out,” he said.

“Is that you speaking as her brother?” Alana raised an eyebrow.

“As your friend,” his voice was warmer than he meant it to be, but he didn’t regret it.

“Night,” the sad look was back.

“Good luck,” he doubted his expression was any better.

Connor's car pulled up in Evan’s driveway earlier than he expected it to. Evan was awake and ready, he had a tendency to wake up a lot earlier than he needed to. It helped him settle his nerves. At least that was what he told himself, his nerves were never really settled. Seeing Connor first thing wasn’t helping that.

“Morning,” he waved as he walked to the car.

Zoe rolled down her window. Connor had mentioned that he drove her to and from school.

“Hey, Evan,” she greeted him.

Evan opened the door to the back, and slid into the seat next to Alana. She smiled at him.

“She called shot gun,” Connor indicated to Zoe.

“That’s fine,” he said.

“She always does,” Alana informed him with a knowing look.

“I get car sick,” Zoe exclaimed.

“It’s her excuse,” Connor stage whispered.

“I don’t like everyone ganging up on me,” Zoe crossed her arms in a fake huff.

Connor began driving away. Zoe turned the radio on, Evan and Alana listened to her flip through the stations. She only let each song get a few lines in before deciding that their car ride needed better accompaniment.

“Just choose something,” Connor complained.

“I am,” Zoe told him, continuing to flip the dial.

Connor glanced back at Evan. Did that gaze always make Evan feel like his face was heating up?

“Sleep well?” Connor asked him.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded quickly. “Thanks.”

“Zoe bought ice cream at midnight,” Alana informed him.

“It was ten, and you ate it too,” Zoe shot back.

“You’re her accomplice,” Connor told Alana gravely.

“Not willingly,” Alana argued.

“Still counts,” Connor shrugged.

“It shouldn’t,” Evan voiced, taking Alana’s side.

“I’m stopping for drive through,” Connor announced.

“Thank god,” Zoe nearly shouted, then turned her head to talk to Evan. “He ate all my cereal.”

“And therefore am a heartless monster,” Connor added dryly.

“Yeah, duh,” Zoe replied.

Evan and Alana laughed.

Evan liked this. He liked the way the three of them talked to each other and included him in the banter as if he belonged. It made him feel like he had friends—real friends who actually wanted to be around him and weren’t just there because they had to be. He felt like he was a part of a unit. He’d never been that before.

“Ev, you want anything?” Connor asked as he pulled into the fast food restaurant parking lot.

Did Connor call him ‘Ev’ before? Was he just doing that because Zoe and Alana were in the car and he needed to look like they were close?

“No, I’m fine,” he said in as even a voice as he could muster.

“Did you eat breakfast?” Connor questioned.

“Yeah,” he tried.

“Wow, you’re a bad liar,” Zoe commented.

“Hey,” Evan wasn’t sure if he should laugh or not.

“It’s true,” Alana told him.

“You’re out voted,” Zoe declared. “You’re eating something.”

“Oh, okay,” Evan stammered.

“It’s like this all the time,” Alana said to him, gesturing to the two siblings. “They think that on the off chance they agree their word is law.”

“That’s because it is,” Connor cut in.

Alana rolled her eyes.

Evan laughed again.

Chapter Text

Zoe and Alana left them moments after the car reached the school. Connor didn’t particularly mind this, he preferred not to be around them here. Before going, he shared a glance with Alana. Nothing was going to change, whether or not they each had someone routing for them.

“You looked tired,” Evan slipped his hand into Connor’s as they walked toward the school building.

“Thanks,” Connor said sarcastically.

“Did you sleep?” Evan asked, despite not looking much better.

“I had stuff on my mind,” Connor didn’t mean to sound so serious.

“Sorry,” Evan glanced at his feet.

“No, it wasn’t all bad stuff,” Connor babbled. “Just confusing.”

To say the least.

“Can I ask what?” Evan’s voice was soft. Connor didn’t want to say no, but this was probably the one thing he couldn’t tell Evan.

“Family, you know,” he tried to shrug off. “Hard to phrase.”

“Right,” Evan wasn’t buying it, but he didn’t push. That was one of the nice things about Evan, and one of the many reasons why Connor really didn’t deserve him. “You wanna skip today?”

“I thought you didn’t skip class,” Connor reminded him.

“It was kinda fun,” Evan said shyly.

“I’m turning you into a rebel,” Connor commented.

“You’re such a terrible influence,” Evan laughed.

“You’re not skipping,” Connor decided for him.

“You’re not my mom,” Evan muttered.

“No, but I know that you’re not going to survive being behind on school stuff,” Connor stated.

“I guess,” Evan rolled his eyes.

“I can give you a ride back later,” Connor offered.

“I feel like I’m using you for your car,” Evan joked.

“It’s a good car,” Connor shrugged.

“It is,” Evan agreed. “Do you always drive Zoe and Alana too?”

“Depends for Alana, but driving Zoe was part of the agreement to me having a car in the first place.” If he hadn’t went along with that, Connor doubted he would have been aloud that extent of freedom. That wasn’t how his family worked.

“That makes sense,” Evan nodded.

“But sometimes Alana just stays over,” Connor added.

“Oh.”

“It’s weird,” he voiced.

“Would that change if they started dating?” Evan asked, probably more to make conversation than from genuine intrigue.

“Probably,” Connor doubted they’d have to worry about that for a while. “I kinda talked to Alana.”

“Really?” Evan sounded hopeful. It was cute.

“She’s probably not gonna make a move,” Connor let him know.

“That sucks,” Evan stated.

“It does,” Connor agreed.

“You want me to talk to Zoe?” Evan offered suddenly.

“Evan,” Connor looked at him. “I couldn’t get through to her.”

“Yeah,” Evan smiled slightly. “But you’re you.”

“Is that an insult?” Connor raised an eyebrow.

“Maybe?” Evan grinned.

“Fine, you can try,” Connor told him. “Just don’t tell her I told you anything.”

“Got it,” he nodded. “Connor, don’t you have class in the other direction?”

Evan’s voice was more tentative now.

“Yeah,” Connor didn’t hide this.

“You don’t have to keep walking with me,” Evan said sheepishly.

“Yes, I do,” Connor insisted.

“I’m serious,” Evan’s tone lost it’s hesitation.

“So am I,” Connor matched him.

“I can take care of myself, you know,” he sounded upset now. Connor didn’t understand why. He’d been grinning literally seconds ago.

“Someone tried to trip you down a flight of stairs,” Connor reminded him.

“I wasn’t paying attention,” Evan tried to dismiss.

“Why are you defending them?” Connor could hear his voice getting louder.

“I’m not,” Evan let go of his hand. “I just don’t need a body guard.”

“That’s not what I’m doing,” Connor argued.

“Then what are you doing?” Evan demanded.

“Why are you mad about this?” Connor asked back.

“I’m not,” Evan sputtered.

“Yes, you are,” Connor grabbed hold of his arm, but Evan pulled away.

“Maybe I don’t like it when people treat me like I can’t do anything for myself.” This was the first time Connor had seen Evan angry. It was more intimidating than he would have thought.

“Evan,” Connor took a step back. “I’m not.”

“Yes you are,” Evan scoffed. “You’ve been doing that since yesterday.”

“Fine,” Connor muttered. “Sorry for caring.”

He felt himself turn away. He didn’t need to be yelled at for actually trying, especially in the middle of school. He had to leave, before he snapped with a full audience analyzing each of his mistakes.

“Connor, stop,” Evan caught up with him.

“No, you don’t want to walk with me,” Connor spat. “It’s fine.”

“Did you hear anything I said?” The apologetic look was gone.

“Yeah,” Connor stopped moving.

“You’re not acting like it,” Evan nearly shouted. Then his voice cut off. Connor had done his best not to acknowledge the people around them, but Evan must have not noticed them at all. “I—”

Then he was running.

Connor hadn’t felt this stupid in a long time.

“Evan, wait!” he sprinted after him.

Evan was faster than he looked, and, since the start of school was getting closer, it was easy to loose him in the amount of people congesting the hallway. That didn’t slow Connor run. For one of the first times, being a social outcast had it’s perks. Everyone, for the most part, got out of his way.

Still, by the time he reached the end of the hall Evan had more than outrun him. Connor kept moving, opening the door to the empty staircase he knew Evan either darted down or up. He weighed his options. It was more likely Evan ran down, considering that would be faster. Connor’s feet moved without him focusing.

He messed up. He really messed up.

Why had he shouted back? He should have listened. Why could he never fucking listen?

There weren't any classrooms on the first floor. As far as Connor knew there was only the IT room, and that was across the building. Directly next to the staircase was a bathroom. Connor knew for a fact that anyone walking into this bathroom was rare. He’d used that to his advantage multiple times.

There was nowhere else Evan could have gone.

Slowly, Connor opened the door. Evan was sitting on the floor next to the sink. His head was on his knees, but his breathing seemed normal. He didn’t look up when Connor came into the room.

Connor lowered himself onto the floor next to him.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “This is all my fault.”

“It’s not you,” Evan murmured.

“I’m the one who yelled at you in a crowded hallway,” Connor knew he didn’t need the reminder.

Evan turned his head, so his eyes could meet Connor’s. His eyes were red, but his face was dry. Connor wanted to feel relieved, but it was impossible to feel anything other than guilt when Evan’s expression was so broken.

“You’re not the ones who looked at me like—” Evan closed his eyes.

“Like a freak?” Connor finished softly.

“Yeah,” Evan murmured. A humorless laugh escaped his lips. “I’m pathetic. I shouted at you for treating me like glass, but what does this prove?”

“That you’re human,” Connor covered Evan’s hand with his.

“That’s the cheapest way to look over failure,” Evan muttered.

“I know you’re not made of glass,” Connor told him.

“No, you don’t,” Evan stated.

Saying that Evan yelled at him in the middle of the hallway didn’t seem like a good reason. Connor didn’t exactly have an example, but he felt like he didn’t need one. Sure, maybe when they first met he thought that Evan was scared of his shadow, but that was before they’d talked. He knew that someone that bright wasn’t fragile.

He knew that a lot of things hurt Evan, and he could tell that Evan carried it. Evan didn’t let the weight break him, even when it would be so much easier to it. Connor just wanted to help. He wanted to lighten whatever load Evan was carrying. He wanted to make something safe.

But he couldn’t tell Evan that.

“Then show me, okay?” he asked.

“I don’t know how,” Evan sounded like he wanted to cry.

“Not right now,” Connor told him. “Sometime when we’re not in this hellhole.”

“Okay,” Evan nodded.

“I just,” Connor forced his own voice steady. He was going to be the strong one right now if it killed him. “I don’t know…People give me shit, and I don’t want them to do that to you because of me.”

“So it’s because you feel responsible?” Evan’s voice was numb.

“It’s because I care about you,” Connor didn’t hide the emotion this time.

“You’ve known me for less than a week,” Evan pointed out.

“And I’ve been around you a lot in that time span,” Connor tried to justify. “I didn’t mean to patronize you.”

“I over reacted,” Evan shook his head. “I’m sorry, I usually don’t do that, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Maybe it has to do with the fact that you didn’t sleep the past two nights?” Connor said before he could stop himself.

“I,” Evan stuttered. “How did you—”

“Bags under your eyes,” Connor stated. “Plus you told me you were tired.”

“Right,” Evan touched the space between his eyes and cheek bones.

“I don’t sleep enough,” Connor shared. “Because sometimes when I close my eyes I see things I don’t like.”

“I know what you mean,” Evan said.

“If you can’t sleep then at least relax some,” Connor tried. “It helps more than you’d think.”

Evan nodded, pulling himself up from the curled position.

“I need to get to class,” he mumbled.

“Same,” Connor stood, offering Evan a hand.

“Thanks,” Evan’s lips turned in an attempted smile.

“Don’t thank me,” Connor said softly. “I yelled at you.”

“I’ll see you at lunch,” Evan told him.

“Okay,” Connor followed him out of the bathroom.

Chapter Text

“Its not a big deal.” Evan had made it five minutes into his last class before lunch before Jared started a whispered interrogation over ‘what even happened with you and Connor this morning?’

“That’s not what people are saying,” Jared informed him.

“People are talking about us?” Evan gave Jared his full attention now.

“Dude,” Jared looked at him oddly. “People have been talking about you since Monday.”

“Oh God,” Evan groaned.

He could deal with everyone calling him gay. He could try to handle everyone staring at him in the hall. But he wasn’t prepared for his classmates to pass on whatever part of his and Connor’s argument they had witnessed.

“So this morning?” Jared prompted.

“Was nothing,” Evan stated.

“You can’t date the future school shooter—”

“Don’t call him that,” Evan hissed.

“And then say it’s nothing when he goes off on you in front of everyone,” Jared finished, ignoring Evan’s interjection.

“He wasn’t going off on me,” Evan informed Jared in a hushed voice. “I yelled at him, whoever you’re getting information from is wrong.”

“What did he do?” Jared asked.

“What do you mean?” Evan didn’t even hide that he was annoyed.

“You don’t yell at people,” Jared said plainly. “At all. So what made you freak out?”

Evan knew there was no way to speak this without sounding awful. In the moment, it hadn’t felt like he was blowing up over nothing. Connor’s reaction to him yelling hadn’t seemed unjustified either. Maybe they were both just crazy like everyone seemed to think they were.

“He thinks he needs to walk me to class,” Evan muttered.

“What?” Jared blinked at him.

“Someone tripped me yesterday,” Evan tried to explain. “He’s being really—”

“Protective?” Jared offered.

“I guess,” Evan settled for that word.

“Wow,” Jared shook his head.

“What?”

“You yelled at him for wanting to walk you to class,” Jared sounded almost impressed.

“I’m an idiot,” Evan voiced.

“Kinda,” Jared didn’t argue. “So, aside from you having the weirdest reaction to someone worrying about you—”

“Everything is fine,” Evan said flatly.

“Okay,” Jared nodded. “Good.”

“What are people saying?” Evan asked.

“Nothing,” Jared said too quickly.

“You said that people were talking about us,” Evan reminded him.

“Yeah, but its nothing,” Jared tried to dismiss.

“Jared—”

“Seriously, don’t worry about it,” he said. “They’ll find something else to talk about in a few days.”

“I just wanted people to stop bothering me,” Evan mumbled.

“What?” Jared heard him.

“Never mind.”

“Are you dating him because you thought it would make people leave you alone?” Jared blinked at him.

“What? No!” Evan sputtered.

“Dear God,” Jared looked like he wanted to laugh but wasn’t quite sure how.

“Please don’t,” Evan groaned again.

“I actually feel bad for Connor Murphy,” Jared mused. “Damn, never thought that would happen.”

“I’m not using him,” Evan said. “I like him, a lot, probably too much.”

“Too much?” Jared questioned.

“Never mind,” Evan tried to cover.

Evan had tried very hard to not think about whatever he was feeling for Connor. But he hadn’t expected Connor to chase after him, or to actually find him in the bathroom. He hadn’t expected Connor to not be upset that he’d yelled, or to tell Evan that he cared about him.

Connor cared about him. That wasn’t supposed to hurt.

“Are you okay?” Jared broke his train of thought.

“Yeah, just tired,” he stammered. “Hey, Jared?”

“Yeah?”

“If Connor hadn’t asked me out, would you have thought I had a shot with him?” he asked before he could think better of it.

“No.”

“Right,” Evan mumbled.

Because he didn’t.

“He doesn’t talk to anyone,” Jared added. “I thought no one had a shot with him.”

“But,” Evan continued. “Compared to him—”

“He’s as much of a looser as you are,” Jared said almost what Evan wanted to hear.

“Okay,” Evan nodded. “Thanks.”

“Seriously,” Jared nudged his shoulder. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing.”

“Is he mad at you about the yelling?” Jared asked in a less joking tone.

“No,” Evan shook his head. “He was really sweet about it.”

“That’s so weird to picture,” Jared stated.

“Shut up,” Evan sighed. “I just—I really like him.”

“And?” Jared prompted.

“And I don’t know what to do,” Evan said.

“You’re dating him, you don’t have to do anything.”

“Right,” Evan mumbled. Part of him almost wished he’d told Jared the truth.

“Well,” Jared lowered his voice and waggled his eyebrows. “You could—”

“I don’t want to hear the end of that sentence,” Evan said quickly.

“Okay, okay,” Jared laughed.

They were interrupted by the bell ringing, signifying the end of class. Jared stood up first, he was usually out the door as soon as he could be.

“See ya,” he said before leaving.

Evan hurried to gather his things. Talking to Jared hadn’t exactly helped, but what had he expected? Jared didn’t know Connor, and didn’t know the situation. Evan couldn’t tell anyone what was really happening. He wasn’t going to break his end of their original deal.

He could, however, talk to someone who knew Connor.

Quickly, Evan fished his phone out of his pocket and send Connor a quick text stating he was going to be late to lunch. Then he bolted out of the classroom. He needed to catch Zoe before she went into the cafeteria.

He couldn’t walk in there. He was barely able to before the thing with Connor, there was no way he’d manage it now. Luckily, she was still standing in front of her locker when he stumbled into the hall.

She saw him before he reached her, offering a small wave.

“Hey, um,” he stammered. “Could I talk to you?”

“Sure,” she nodded.

“Er, somewhere else,” he added.

“Yeah,” she grabbed hold of his arms and led him to the same stairwell he’d almost toppled down the night before. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” he said automatically. “Well, something, but nothing bad, that doesn’t make sense…”

“No, it does,” she said softly. “You wanna sit down?”

“Yeah,” he sat next to her on the stairs. She leaned against the railing.

“Is this about Connor?” she started.

“Kinda,” he admitted.

“I heard about this morning,” she let him know.

“He didn’t do anything wrong,” Evan had no idea what she’d heard, but he doubted it was any better than what had been told to Jared.

“I know what he’s like when he’s upset—”

“I got mad at him,” Evan told her. “He was just trying to be a good boyfriend.”

“Evan,” she tried.

“I’m serious,” he didn’t stop. “I don’t know what people are saying, but they don’t know what happened. I started yelling, and it wasn’t really fair—”

“Calm down,” she cut him off with a hand on his arm. “I believe you.”

“Oh, um,” he mumbled. “Thanks?”

“But this isn’t about that,” she realized. “Is it?”

“No. I,” he wasn’t sure who to phrase this. “I need advice.”

“About Connor?” she asked.

“You know him better than I do,” he explained. “I mean, of course you do, you’ve know him your whole life and I’m only just—”

“Yeah,” she cut him off again.

There was a reassuring expression on her face. Evan reminded himself that he didn’t need to be scared to talk to her. If anyone could understand—if anyone wanted to understand—it was Zoe.

“I like him,” he stated.

“Okay?” she gave him a quizzical look.

“A lot,” he added.

“That’s good,” she smiled.

Evan didn’t know how to express how not good this was without telling her everything.

“I don’t think he likes me as much,” he tried.

“He does,” her face morphed into a subtle concern.

“No, he can’t, he just,” Evan stopped himself. If he was going to explain this, he needed to get his story straight. “He says things but I don’t think he means them.”

“Why would he pretend to like you?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” he stammered. “That’s not important.”

“Evan—”

“I sound crazy, I know,” he continued. “But, just humor me for a second. Please?”

“Okay?” she nodded reluctantly.

“If,” he glanced at his hands. “If I weren’t dating Connor, if he didn’t really know me and I asked you how to get him to like me what would you say to me?”

“Let him talk to you,” she said without hesitation.

“That’s it?” he questioned.

“People don’t listen to him,” she said simply. “He just wants to be heard.”

“Anything else?” he asked.

“Evan,” she sighed. “You should be telling him this, not me.”

“It’s not what you think it is,” he mumbled.

“It's okay to be insecure,” she told him in a gentle voice.

“It’s not that,” he shook his head. “I just, I want to be there and he’s not going to tell me how.”

“He’s not going to leave you,” her hand was on his arm again.

“I know.” He didn’t.

“That was very convincing,” she commented dryly.

“I didn’t mean to like him this much,” he said more to himself than to her.

“I’m glad you do,” she told him. “It doesn’t have to be a scary thing.”

“How can it not?” he asked.

“Evan, I,” she took a breath. “I have feelings for someone who probably doesn’t feel anything for me. It hurts, a lot. When the person you love tells you they want to be with you, you just have to trust them, because you’re lucky—you’re really lucky.”

“Alana does like you back,” Evan blurted.

“What?” she blinked at him.

“Oh god,” he was okay with dying right then and there.

“Wait, what?” she gaped.

“I didn’t say that,” he murmured.

“Connor told you,” she realized.

“No, he didn’t,” he stammered. “I swear.”

“I’m going to kill him,” Zoe groaned.

“He didn’t tell me!” Evan exclaimed. “I just, I figured it out.”

For a second she just looked at him, then seemed to give up questioning whether or not he was covering for Connor.

“I’m that obvious?” she sighed.

“No,” he shook his head.

“You think she knows?” Zoe looked a little panicked now.

“Probably not,” Evan admitted honestly.

“Right,” she mumbled.

“She’s too close to notice,” he tried to explain. “It’s easy when you’re looking from afar.”

“Oh.”

“That wasn't’ supposed to sound—”

“I know,” she exhaled.

“Why don’t you say anything to her?” he honestly wondered.

“If Connor hadn’t asked you out, would you have made the first move?” she asked him blandly.

“No,” he admitted.

“Then you know why,” she stated.

“She likes you,” he couldn’t help saying.

“How do you know?” she asked.

“I can tell,” he shrugged. He couldn’t say that Connor told him and he’d believe Connor over nearly everything.

“That’s not very solid,” she informed him.

“I was right about you,” he countered.

“And wrong about your boyfriend apparently,” she reminded him. “Do you love him?”

Evan hadn’t expected that question.

“I haven’t known him that long,” he choked on the words.

“But you might?” she asked.

“Yeah,” he uttered.

“I think you should tell him,” she stated.

“How?”

“Just say it,” she said.

“What if it’s too much?” he questioned. “What if I loose him?”

“You won’t,” she made it seem so simple.

“If I tell you that you won’t loose Alana if you tell her does it make you want to?” he asked.

“It’s different,” she tried to brush off.

“It’s not,” he pressed.

“He chose to date you,” she reminded him.

“On a whim,” he pointed out. He didn’t know what story Connor had told Zoe, but he doubted it came with a long background of feelings.

“He holds your hand and brought you home for dinner,” Zoe said.

“And Alana spends almost every second with you,” Evan added.

Zoe exhaled again.

“Did Connor ask you to talk to me about her?” she asked.

“No,” Evan shook his head. “No, he really didn’t. He doesn’t know I’m here.”

“But he’s talked about us?” she asked.

“He talks about you,” he sidestepped.

“That’s so weird,” she sounded more humored than annoyed.

“You’re talking about him right now,” Evan commented.

“You brought him up,” she said.

“Fair point.”

“Why are you afraid?” her voice was different now.

“I don’t know,” he murmured.

“Yes, you do,” she wasn’t letting him get away that easy.

“What if it’s not me, it’s just that he wanted someone?” Evan voiced before he could force the words back into a hidden corner of his mind.

There wasn’t anything special about him. There wasn’t anything special about his relationship with Connor. He was trying to make something that was always supposed to be a facade into something he could keep.

“He’s gone this far alone,” Zoe told him. “Something about you made him change that.”

“He only knows a part of me,” Evan said.

“You can control that,” she informed him.

“And if I show him the rest and he doesn’t want to see it?” he questioned.

“We’re both very bad at taking the first step,” Zoe summed up.

“Yeah,” he had to agree. “If you were me, what would you do?”

She thought for a moment.

“I’d tell him something about me that only I know,” she finally voiced.

“How does that help?” he asked.

“Because it shows him you trust him,” she explained. “Prove that before telling him that you might love him.”

“That’s not how I’d put it,” he mumbled.

“It’s how you did just now,” she said plainly.

“You’re saying he won’t run away if he thinks I trust him?” he hated that he needed the reassurance. It showed just how desperate he really was.

“He won’t run away at all,” she said. “But if you weren’t you, then yeah, that would prove to him that what you say is real.”

“Okay,” he nodded. “Thank you.”

“If you were me,” she started. “Would you—”

“I’d tell Alana I’m in love with her,” he stated.

“And if she doesn’t feel the same?” Zoe asked in a smaller voice.

“She’s been your friend for years, right?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she nodded.

“So trust her to know how to handle it,” Evan advised.

“Okay,” she took a breath. “I’m not saying I’ll do it.”

“I know,” he wasn’t promising either.

“But you kinda make sense,” she smiled at him. “My brother’s probably waiting for you.”

“He is,” Evan stood up from the stairs.

He was only ten minutes late. Connor was waiting for him in the car. Evan had a feeling they were just going to sit inside it for the duration of the period. He had no complaints with that.

“Everything okay?” Connor asked when he opened the door.

“I was talking to your sister,” Evan had no reason to hide this.

“Oh?” Connor looked surprised.

“Don’t tell her I told you,” he added.

“I won’t,” Connor smirked. “Should I expect good news?”

“I hope,” Evan had no way of knowing if Zoe would take his advice or not.

“Hey,” Connor cleared his throat. “About earlier—”

“Can I walk you to class?” Evan asked suddenly.

“What?” Connor blinked at him.

“People bother you more than they do me,” he tried to explain. “So let me be the protective one for a bit.”

“That your way of showing me you’re tough?” Connor asked.

“No,” Evan shook his head. “But it’s something I want to do.”

“Okay,” Connor agreed.

“Can I come over tomorrow after school?” Evan forced himself to ask.

“Sure,” Connor gave him an odd look. “Why?”

“I want to talk about something,” Evan said.

“And you can’t just say it now?” Connor questioned.

“No, I can’t,” he stated.

“And not later today either?” Connor added.

“My mom had the afternoon off,” Evan told him. “I said I’d be home.”

“Okay.”

“And I need a day to think about how to word things,” he confessed. “I’m telling you now so I can’t back out, don’t let me back out.”

“I won’t,” Connor leaned back in his chair. “Put some music on, the quiet’s gonna drive me insane.”

“You’re already insane,” Evan smiled at him.

“I know.”

Chapter Text

A day passed faster than Evan anticipated it would. He thought he’d given himself enough time to find the right words, but before he knew it he was sitting on Connor’s bed with no idea what he’d gotten himself into. Connor was staring at him, and he didn’t know how to say anything.

“Is this because you’re mad at me?” Connor broke the silence.

“I told you five times, I’m not,” Evan said honestly.

“I know, it’s just,” Connor didn’t look at him.

“Just?” Evan asked.

“Everyone always is,” Connor muttered. He glanced up with a slight smile. “God, that was really edgy.”

“It was,” Evan forced a grin. “But I understand.”

“So,” Connor cleared his throat. “I told Zoe and Alana not to bug us.”

“Right,” Evan nodded.

“And my parents shouldn’t be home for another hour,” Connor added.

“Okay.”

“And that wasn’t supposed to sound like that,” Connor covered his face with his hands.

“Yeah,” Evan laughed slightly. “I know.”

“So,” Connor nudged his shoulder. “What’s on your mind?”

“Is this weird?” Evan blurted before he could find a better way to phrase the question.

“What?” Connor just looked at him.

“The whole hanging out thing,” he tried to explain. “And me freaking out the other day and you having to calm me down. It’s weird isn’t it?”

“Why would it be weird?” Connor’s forehead creased.

“I’m only here because you wanted to look less like a loner,” Evan stammered.

“This is what you wanted to talk about?” Connor looked almost disappointed.

“No,” Evan admitted. “There’s something else, but—”

He winced

“I,” he took a breath. “I can’t say it until—”

“Until what?” Connor’s expression neared the one Evan had seen in the hallway the day before. “I tell you that I don’t actually like being around you?”

“You don’t?” Evan heard his voice echo.

“I do,” Connor said quickly. “I thought we went over this.”

“I know, I just,” he closed his eyes. “It’s weird, I keep thinking that I’m not…”

“Not what?” Connor murmured.

Good enough. But Evan couldn’t say that. He didn’t want Connor to hear that right now. This wasn’t what he meant to talk about. He wanted things to make more sense, not get more uncomfortable. Connor probably wasn’t aware of the discomfort. He didn’t realize that being this close to him was setting off so many confusing thoughts that Evan really couldn't deal with right now.

“Would you have wanted to be friends if you didn’t decide that you were gonna pretend to date someone?” He finally asked.

He watched Connor consider this. It was nice that he didn’t think he had to launch into an ‘of course’ to make Evan feel better. Connor was more honest than that.

“I wouldn’t have known how to approach you,” he admitted. Then his eyes widened slightly. “Do you not want to do this anymore?”

“No,” Evan didn’t ever want to stop being around Connor. “I think I do.”

“We can stage a break up,” Connor told him.

Connor didn’t sound excited about that idea. If it was an option between fake dating Connor and not being his friend, Evan would never be the one to end the pretend relationship. Still, he couldn’t just say that.

“But then who am I gonna walk to class?” he asked in a lighter tone.

Connor chuckled.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you yesterday,” Evan needed to say.

“Evan,” Connor looked pained. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he said without meaning to. “I just—”

“Is it about people at school?” Connor asked.

“No,” Evan stammered. “I mean, kinda?”

“You can tell me.” Connor was so close to him right now. He wanted to hold him. He wanted Connor to miraculously know everything Evan didn’t know how to say, and to not need any of it to be voiced. He wanted to silently fall into him and not have to face the things that were difficult to say.

“I can’t,” he uttered. “Not right now.”

“Then what are you doing here?” Connor asked.

Evan could feel his heartbeat refusing to settle.

“There’s something I want to tell you,” he said. “But I can’t right now.”

“Okay?” Connor’s eyes were questioning him.

“But there’s something else I need to say,” Evan continued.

“You’re not making sense,” Connor informed him.

“I know,” he forced himself to keep his gaze on Connor. “Do you trust me?”

“I don’t understand,” Connor’s voice wavered.

“I don’t trust people a lot,” Evan told him.

“I can tell,” he said softly.

“So it’s weird,” Evan could hear his voice shaking. “Because you’re—”

“Calm down,” Connor’s hand touched his.

“I’m sorry,” Evan choked.

“You’re kinda scaring me,” Connor whispered.

Evan took a breath. Connor wasn’t going to judge him. Connor was going to give him a chance to say everything he needed to. He didn’t need to rush. Connor was going to listen.

“You know how I said I broke my arm from falling out of a tree?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Connor nodded, a subtle smile crossing his lips. “That was our first conversation.”

“It’s not true,” Evan blurted.

For a second, Connor just looked at him. Then he seemed to realize Evan didn’t know where to go from there. Evan hadn’t really thought he’d be able to get this far.

“I’m listening,” he said.

“I didn’t fall out of the tree,” Evan spoke slowly, he hadn’t voice this before to anyone. Part of him still didn’t want to. “I climbed as high as I could and I let go. I thought that would be it, but I guess I can’t even do that right.”

His voice trailed off.

“Why are you telling me this?” Connor sounded far away.

“Because I trust you,” Evan heard how much weight was in these words.

“Evan,” Connor was staring at him, but Evan couldn’t discern anything from his eyes.

It was too much.

“I’m sorry, this was a bad idea,” he needed to go. He needed to run and not look back like he should have yesterday.

“Evan,” Connor murmured again.

“You didn’t need to,” he tried to pull himself off the bed. “This is too much—”

Connor’s hand grabbed hold of his arm, freezing him. Connor looked shocked, but that wasn’t the only emotion Evan recognized. He relaxed his grip, but didn’t let go of Evan.

“I know what it feels like,” his voice was as shaky as Evan’s had been.

Evan didn’t need to say that he knew this. He could see it every time Connor averted his gaze. He could see it when Connor talked about Zoe or his parents. He could see it when Connor had found him in the bathroom.

“Can I hug you?” Connor asked softly.

“Yeah,” Evan dived into Connor’s arms.

That was when he broke. He let the tears come, let himself melt into arms that shouldn’t be as strong as they were. Connor’s head was on his shoulder. He was holding him like he was Evan’s lifeline, or, maybe, like Evan was his. Evan would love both to be true.

“There have been times,” Connor was crying too. “Fuck, there are times everyday—when I want it to be over.”

“I know,” Evan whispered.

“I try to look strong or indifferent,” Connor choked. “But I’m a fucking mess.”

“Then that’s two of us,” Evan said.

“You wanna be a team?” The edge in Connor’s voice was fading.

“Yeah,” Evan murmured.

Slowly Connor pulled out of the embrace, a sad smile on his lips.

“I wasn’t supposed to start crying,” Evan wiped the tear tracks from his face.

“It’s okay,” Connor told him. “You know, you’re my only friend.”

“You have Zoe and Alana,” Evan reminded him.

“They don’t count,” Connor shrugged off. “They’re stuck with me.”

“You’re my only friend,” Evan said softly.

“You’re right,” Connor sighed. “It’s weird.”

“Yeah,” Evan mumbled.

Then Connor grinned at him.

“I like weird,” he declared.

Evan laughed. Connor leaned his shoulder against Evan’s. If time stopped right then, Evan wouldn’t mind.

“Zoe and Alana think we’re having sex,” Connor let him know.

“Oh god,” Evan was glad Connor wasn’t looking at him. He was pretty sure his face was red.

“I trust you too,” Connor leaned his head on Evan’s shoulder.

“Thanks,” Evan whispered.

“I mean it,” Connor said. “I know I’m a jerk most of the time—”

“You’re really not,” Evan tried to cut him off.

“But I’m trying to be a decent friend,” Connor said.

“You’re more than that,” Evan didn’t mean to say. “I mean, you’re doing more that just being a good friend. You’re not a jerk.”

“You wanna pretend we weren’t just crying and go watch a stupid movie?” Connor asked.

“Sure,” Evan nodded.

Connor slipped his hand into Evan’s.

“Is this okay?” he asked.

“Why wouldn’t it be?” Evan asked back, hoping that he looked calm and not like his heart was racing.

“I don’t know,” Connor shrugged.

“Thanks for listening,” Evan murmured.

“You don’t have to thank me,” Connor told him. “What was the other thing?”

“What?” Evan blinked.

“You said there was something you couldn’t tell me?” Connor remembered.

Evan didn’t know how to avoid this. He should have had himself more together when he’d first tried to talk. He couldn’t just say that Connor holding his hand made him feel like he was flying and wasn’t going to come crashing down the second he stopped concentrating.

“Oh, right,” he swallowed.

“You still can’t,” Connor realized.

“I will,” Evan said quickly. “Just not now, okay?”

“Fine,” Connor stood up, pulling Evan to his feet as well. “Come on, it’s depressing in here.”

They were twenty minutes into a very poorly filmed horror movie when Zoe bounded into the room and flopped onto the couch next to her brother.

“Okay,” Connor drew out the word. “I don’t like that look.”

“Good,” Zoe grinned at her.

“Where’s Alana?” he asked.

“My room,” Zoe answered, expression not changing.

“And you’re not with her, because?” Connor wasn’t actually annoyed, both Evan and Zoe could see that plainly.

“I took your advice,” Zoe was looking at Evan now.

“You did?” he blinked at her. It had taken that quickly?

“Yeah,” she nodded.

“Wait,” Connor looked back and forth between the two of them. Evan watched realization dawn on him. “What?”

“You told him?” Zoe asked Evan, she sounded only a little miffed.

“He tells me everything,” Connor said dryly.

“Right,” Zoe rolled her eyes.

“So?” Connor prompted her.

“Maybe I shouldn’t tell you,” she smirked.

“Okay,” Connor stood up, and walked to the exit of the room.

“Where are you going?” Zoe watched him.

“To talk to Alana,” Connor said cheekily before darting through the door.

“Connor, no!” Zoe shouted, but didn’t follow.

“I can stop him,” Evan offered.

“It’s okay,” Zoe shrugged.

“So it went well?” He asked.

“You were right,” Zoe told him. She was glowing. Evan had never seen her this happy.

“I knew I was,” he smiled at her.

“Did you talk to him?” she asked in a more hushed tone.

“Kinda,” Evan tried to shrug off.

“But not about the love part?” Zoe discerned.

“Not about that,” he confessed.

“It was really easy,” Zoe giggled.

“Yeah?” he waited for her to say more.

“Well, the talking part wasn’t,” she admitted. “That was really hard.”

“Yeah,” he nodded.

“I couldn’t get the words to come out,” she sighed.

“And then they came out too fast?” he asked.

“Mile a minute,” she laughed. “But then she grabbed my hand and started laughing and saying that she’d been to scared to tell me.”

“You guys make sense,” he told her.

“Why were we even scared?” she shook her head. “It was that simple.”

“You were too close,” Evan echoed the logic he’d used before.

“Right,” Zoe hummed. “I think you’re too close right now.”

“Probably,” he wouldn’t argue with her.

“I’m gonna go drag your boyfriend out of my room,” she stood up.

“Right,” Evan chuckled.

“Hey, Evan,” she paused at the door.

“Yeah?” he glanced at her.

“You officially have my approval,” she crossed her arms. “Welcome to the family.”

“Should I be scared?” he asked.

“Yep.”

Chapter Text

“There are a lot of people here,” Evan stated as they walked into the school auditorium.

“Yeah,” Connor agreed. Evan felt his grip on his hand tightening. “If you want—”

“I’m fine,” Evan told him. “Let’s just find our seats.”

“Okay,” Connor nodded. “If you’re sure.”

Evan let Connor lead him to the seats written on their tickets. This was the most formal he’d seen Connor, and it was very hard not to think about how good he looked. Evan liked the way Connor dressed regularly, dark colors that didn’t beg for attention and hair falling around his face. But Connor in a dark green button down and his hair pulled into a ponytail gave him a mature edge that Evan really hadn’t expected. It was distracting.

“Where’s Alana?” he wondered as they sat down.

“With my family,” Connor answered. “I think Zoe got us seats in different areas on purpose.”

“That’s nice,” Evan commented, then thought for a second. “Is it nice?”

“Yes,” Connor nodded again. Evan could feel his agitation. He wouldn't say anything yet, Connor was putting a lot of energy into hiding the discomfort. “Have you been to one of these before?”

“Yeah,” Evan had been to a handful of jazz band concerts the year prior.

“To see Zoe," Connor realized

"Not exactly," Evan tried to minimize. Connor knowing about, and for some reason not minding, his past crush still felt odd.

“Sure,” Connor rolled his eyes. It took a second for Evan to realize he was teasing. “I’m joking, calm down.”

“I’m calm,” Evan stated.

Something flashed in Connor’s eyes. He must have thought Evan had been buying the indifferent persona. He wasn’t at all. Connor was tense, and Evan could feel it.

“We should do something this weekend,” Connor kept talking.

“Okay,” Evan agreed.

“If you’re not sick of me yet,” Connor added.

“Connor,” Evan started.

“Also a joke,” Connor’s lips formed a tight smile. “And you’ve practically spent the past five days in my company only.”

“Are you sick of me?” Evan asked back.

“Totally,” Connor smirked.

“Right,” Evan chuckled.

“We could go on a hike or something,” Connor suggested.

“Because I talked about trees?” Evan asked.

“Three times,” Connor informed him.

“Really?” Evan only remembered babbling during dinner at Connor’s house.

“Yeah,” Connor laughed. “But you were really tired yesterday, so—”

Connor trailed off, his eyes darting to a group of girls walking past them. Evan couldn’t hear what they were saying, but he didn’t need to.

“Just ignore it,” Evan didn’t bother whispering.

“I know,” Connor stated, his hand relaxing only slightly. "I am. When does this thing start?”

“Five minutes,” Evan said after a glance to his watch. “Her solo is in the third number. Which you would know if you opened the program you’ve been crumpling.”

“Yeah,” Connor glanced down at the paper in his hands.

“We can—”

“I can’t,” Connor didn’t let Evan finish, his voice far from controlled. “I told her I’d be here.”

“She’ll understand,” Evan tried.

“I blew her off a lot,” Connor stressed.

“I know,” Evan rubbed his thumb along the back of Connor’s hand. “Just wait for the lights to dim.”

“Okay,” Connor squeezed his eyes shut for a second. “It doesn’t bother me.”

Evan didn’t believe that for a second. He knew that Connor could feel every pair of eyes on him, and imagine even more. He could feel Connor wanting to run, but holding himself in place. Evan wanted to pull him away, but he wouldn’t. Instead he held Connor’s hand and prayed for the concert to start early.

“You don’t have to explain," he said gently.

“I finished Wuthering Heights,” Connor pushed through the silence.

“Oh?” Evan waited for him to keep going.

“It’s kinda romantic,” Connor blurted.

“It’s very romantic,” Evan replied. Connor just looked at him. “What?”

“I didn’t think you’d say that,” Connor shrugged.

“It’s kinda the idea of it, I guess,” Evan felt the need to explain, to just keep talking. “It ends only after thing are set right, and even when he has the chance to destroy everything he doesn’t.”

“And them being together beyond the grave?” Connor smiled slightly.

“Could maybe be seen as his reward,” Evan decided.

“If only life was that simple,” the pain was back in his eyes.

“It wasn’t simple, though,” Evan reminded him.

“I thought you were making fun of me for reading this,” Connor stated.

“I already told you, that’s just because I wanted to make fun of you,” Evan tried to tease.

Connor smiled, it didn’t look completely forced. Evan could feel his own stomach churn, and knew it wasn’t his own anxiousness putting him on edge.

“So, I’m bookless right now,” Connor said.

“How will you live?” Evan said dryly.

“I thought you could lend me that gay vampire thing you were talking about,” Connor told him.

“You don’t have to read it,” Evan uttered dumbly.

“I want to,” Connor’s voice was warm. “We could talk about it or something.”

“Okay,” Evan nodded. The lights started dimming. “They’re starting.”

“Thank God,” Connor sighed.

The first number was the entire band. They were easily able to pick out Zoe. There was a grin on her face. She looked calm and confident. This was the Zoe Evan used to notice. He stole a glance at Connor. The pain in his eyes was gone, it was replaced with wonder. Connor hadn’t see this version of Zoe before.

Evan leaned back in his seat. The first two numbers went by. Zoe moved to the center of the stage for the third. She started alone. The knowing grin was still on her face as she began to weave her spell. Eventually the other musicians joined, but all Evan could see—all everyone in the audience could see—was Zoe.

“She’s really good,” Connor murmured when the song ended.

"Yeah," Evan agreed.

“I didn’t know.” There was guilt in his voice.

“You do now,” Evan squeezed his hand.

“How did I not know?” Connor wasn’t talking to Evan, he was talking to himself. He was berating himself for the mistakes he couldn’t right now.

“Connor,” Evan tried to bring him back to earth.

“Don’t.”

“You’re here,” Evan reminded him in a whisper. “She’s happy that you are. Don’t ruin it for yourself.”

“You’re good at being the strong one,” Connor told him.

“You’re surprised,” Evan commented.

“Impressed,” Connor corrected.

They didn’t talk until intermission. When the lights came up, Evan saw the unease settle back in Connor’s eye. This wasn’t the right place to be raw. Everyone here had some low opinion of Connor that they thought was the truth because no one bothered to take the time to listen to him. Everyone here thought it was okay to judge the ‘future school shooter.’

Evan watched Connor close his eyes. He watched his face refuse to crumple and every ounce of him fought to remain controlled.

“We're going outside,” Evan decided.

“I can’t,” Connor said again.

“You’re going to throw up,” Evan pulled Connor to his feet.

“Zoe—”

“Already had her solo and will understand,” Evan said firmly.

“Evan, I can’t,” Connor wasn’t moving.

“Connor, please,” Evan begged. He could hear the desperation in his own voice. His eyes met Connor’s in a silent plea.

“Okay,” Connor nodded before letting Evan pull him out of the auditorium.

They made it behind the building before Connor couldn’t walk. Evan steadied him and he sank to the ground, his back resting against the concrete wall separating them and everyone else who’d come to the show. Silently, Evan sat next to him, his fingers tracing Connor’s hand, listening to his breath lighten slowly, and hoping being there at least helped a little.

“You can go back if you want,” Connor voiced after a few minutes.

“I want to stay with you,” Evan said in a heavier voice than he meant to.

“Your hand is cold,” Connor murmured.

“Sorry,” Evan’s fingers stopped their paths.

“It’s not a complaint,” Connor said warmly, before wincing. Evan watched him fall back to where he’d been in the auditorium. “Can you talk to me? I think it’ll help me focus.”

“Yeah,” Evan would do anything if he thought it would help. “Um, I don’t know what to talk about.”

“Anything,” Connor’s eyes were closed again.

“I like it when you wear your hair like that,” Evan blurted.

“What?”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know where that came from,” he wasn’t helping, and he knew it, but the words kept coming. “It’s away from your face, and it’s nice, sometimes I think you hide in it.”

“I do,” Connor admitted.

“But you have nice eyes and I can’t always see them,” Evan said before he could stop himself.

“Keep talking,” Connor whispered.

“About your eyes?” Evan asked dumbly.

“Sure,” Connor chuckled slightly.

“Shut up,” Evan said without a hint of spite.

“Talk about trees,” Connor instructed.

“I can do that,” Evan nodded even though Connor wasn’t looking at him.

For the next ten minutes he went on tangent after tangent. He let himself babbled about facts he knew Connor wouldn’t remember even if he was coherent. Slowly, he could feel Connor calming down. Out of the corner of his eye he could see him relaxing. When he opened his eyes, Evan knew it was time to stop spewing meaningless words.

“She’s gonna be mad at me,” Connor’s voice was numb.

“I’ll text her,” Evan decided. “So she knows we saw the first half.”

“You don’t have to make excuses for me.” Connor said bitterly, stopping Evan’s hand from pulling his phone out of his pocket.

“Feeling like that isn’t an excuse, Connor,” Evan had to fight to keep his voice level. “Why are you doing this?”

“I don’t—” Connor didn’t look at him.

“As soon as you’re the one who needs help you’re trying to brush it off,” Evan was certain Connor knew exactly what he was talking about.

“That’s what I do,” Connor said simply.

“Let me help you,” Evan wasn’t going to let his voice break. He wasn’t going to show Connor that watching him close off hurt. That wouldn’t help him

“I am,” Connor squeezed his hand.

"Let’s meet Zoe at your house," Evan suggested.

"I can’t leave,” Connor stated.

“What are you going to do when everyone comes out?” Evan asked a little too pointedly.

“Die.”

“Let’s go,” Evan stood.

“I can’t drive,” Connor told him.

Evan hadn't thought about that.

“Okay,” he nodded. “Then we’ll wait in the car and ask Zoe to.”

“That’s the worst thing I could do,” Connor wasn't scoffing, he looked scared.

“You’re not doing it,” Evan put Connor’s arm over his shoulders in order to support this weight. “I am.”

“Evan—” Connor let Evan lead him away.

“Come on,” Evan said softly.

“You’re kinda amazing,” Connor mumbled.

“You’re heavier than you look,” Evan informed him with a small smile.

They waited in the back seats of Connor’s car until the concert was over. Zoe was knocking on the window minutes after she read Evan’s text. This didn’t come as much of a surprise to Evan, but he hoped that they hadn’t dragged her away from talking to her parents or any friends who’d come to see her. Alana trailed behind her with an equally concerned look on her face.

“I’m sorry,” Connor told her the second she opened the car door.

“Did someone do something?” Zoe asked Evan.

“No, well, kinda I guess,” Evan didn’t know how to articulate what Connor must have felt in the auditorium. “But not one person specifically.”

“I’ll drive,” Alana decided, holding out her hand for Connor’s keys.

“Evan, can you shotgun?” Zoe asked.

Evan glanced at Connor, who was still holding his hand.

“I think it’s better if I—”

“I got it,” Zoe told him.

“Okay,” Evan slid out

“I’m really sorry,” Connor said to her again.

“I didn’t really do anything in the second half,” she shrugged, leaning her head on his shoulder when she sat down.

“But I said I’d be there,” Connor reminded her.

“And you were,” she reminded him, her voice leaving no room for argument. “It’s not like the last time.”

“You’re really good, you know,” he murmured.

“Thanks.”

“I mean it,” he stressed. “I didn’t realize you could do that.”

“Play the guitar?” she laughed. “You’ve heard me practicing.”

“It’s different,” he told her. “On stage you weren’t you.”

“Oh really?” she hummed.

“I mean it, Zoe,” he kept talking. “You were like a fucking goddess or something.”

“You’re groggy,” she laughed again. “But I’m glad you came.”

“I am too.”

Connor seemed to come back to himself through the corse of the drive. Evan had a feeling that it had to do with the guilt leaving. The four of them laughed through the car ride, and for a bit it was easy to pretend that the night had only been watching Zoe’s solo.

“I can drive him back,” Connor gestured to Evan once they reached the Murphy’s house.

“You sure?” Zoe questioned.

“You don’t look—”

“I’m fine,” Connor cut Evan off. “I won’t get us killed, I promise.”

“Okay,” Evan let himself agree, because he was weak and didn’t want to say goodnight to Connor just yet.

“If you do I’m not going to either of your funerals,” Zoe declared.

“Got it,” Connor nodded, jumping into the driver’s seat.

They didn’t talk for about a minute. When the girls left, it was harder to ignore the truth. Evan didn’t mind the silence, he was just afraid that when it broke it would be because one of them realized that they weren’t oaky after all.

“You saved me,” Connor informed him softly.

“I know,” Evan said lightly.

“Not very humble about it,” Connor chuckled.

“I’m too tired to be humble,” Evan sighed. “Can you do me a favor?”

“Anything,” Connor agreed.

“Look out for yourself more,” Evan instructed before he let himself think better on it. “I’m not always gonna be able to pull you out.”

“I can try,” Connor didn’t hesitate.

“That’s all I’m asking,” Evan murmured.

“But you better not plan on disappearing on me anytime soon,” Connor sounded like he meant this to be a tease. Only, he’d let a sliver of worry bleed into it. He cleared his throat. “Did you see them holding hands?”

“Yeah,” Evan grinned as he remembered Zoe and Alana walking into the house.

“It’s cute,” Connor stated.

“I’m happy for them,” Evan said.

“It’s also mildly disgusting,” Connor added.

“She’s your sister, it’s supposed to be,” Evan shrugged..

“Yeah,” Connor laughed. “You wanna get ice-cream?”

“It’s nine o’clock,” Evan reminded him.

“I know.”

“I’m telling Zoe,” he warned.

“Oh, she’ll probably expect it,” Conor scoffed.

“You’re smiling,” Evan couldn’t help pointing out.

“I am,” Connor didn’t deny.

“Why?”

“Can’t I just be happy?” he asked back.

“No,” Evan shook his head. “It’s the weird smile.”

Connor hesitated, before saying with a wide smirk: “You like my hair like this?”

“Shut up,” Evan buried his head in his hands.

“You’re sweet when you don’t know what to say,” Connor informed him.

If he wasn’t driving Evan would have punched his shoulder.

Connor took them to an ice cream place Evan had never been to before, but had passed by a handful of times. The lights inside were bright, and there were other cars in the parking lot, but it was very hard to ignore how alone together they were. It felt different than it usually did. Evan wasn’t sure if he liked it.

Okay, he was sure he liked it. He wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.

“Wait a second,” Connor stopped him from opening his door.

“Something wrong?” Evan asked.

“No,” Connor shook his head. “But I wanna say something.”

“Yeah?” Evan waited.

“But I need you to promise something else first,” Connor started.

“Okay?” Evan raised an eyebrow.

“I’m still groggy,” Connor stated. “You can see that, right?”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded.

“So if you don’t want to hear what I say, we’ll get out of the car and just blame it on me being sleep deprived and still shaken from earlier, and pretend it didn’t happen.” Connor looked at him. “Deal?”

“Am I gonna want to not hear it?” Evan asked sheepishly.

“I don’t know,” Connor exhaled, doubt creeping into this eyes.

“Okay,” Evan agreed. “Sure, deal.”

He watched Connor take a breath. Evan didn’t know what was going on in his head, but had a feeling he was wrestling with the right way to phrase whatever he needed to say. After a second he seemed to give up finding the perfect words.

“I want to date you.”

It came out fast. Connor winced at how quickly it went by. Evan just blinked at him, because he had to have heard that wrong. He had to have hallucinated it.

“You,” he stammered. “You what?”

“I want the hand holding and all the shit that we said was just gonna be an act to be real,” Connor spoke slower this time, but the words still jumbled together.

“You like me?” Evan blurted.

“I might fucking be in love with you,” Connor stated.

Evan was dreaming, but that didn’t matter. Connor was telling him that he wanted what Evan had secretly being pining for. Nothing mattered but Connor. Evan could find some way to never wake up.

“Oh my God,” he heard his voice utter.

“Okay,” Connor said shakily.

Suddenly Evan realized he was still gaping. That wasn’t good. That wasn’t what he wanted Connor to see.

Connor closed off in slow motion, but even that was too fast for Evan to force his mouth to work. Evan watched the awkward and hopeful smile fall and be replaced by a tight, forced grin. He thought Evan was rejecting him.

“I’m groggy,” he said quickly. “I don’t know what I’m saying, let’s just get—”

“I love you too!” Evan shouted. “I mean, I think I love you too. I didn’t used that word, sorry, I mean, please don’t pretend this didn’t happen.”

“Say everything again but slower,” Connor’s hand was on his shoulder.

“I like you,” Evan got the words out. “A lot.”

“Seriously?” Connor exhaled shakily.

“Yeah,” Evan felt his lips curve into a wide grin.

“You never said anything,” Connor stated.

“I didn’t realize until after you freaked out about someone tripping me and you told me stuff about you I know you don’t tell other people,” Evan was vaguely aware that he was talking very fast.

“Can I kiss you?” Connor asked softly.

“If you don’t I’m gonna keep babbling,” Evan informed him.

Connor’s soft hands cupped Evan’s cheeks as he slowly brought their lips together. It was soft. It was a question. It was both of them not really knowing what this meant, but hoping it meant what each of them wanted. Evan leaned into Connor, bringing his hands to Connor’s shoulders, letting his fingers run along the seems of his shirt. Connor broke the kiss, resting his forehead on Evan’s instead of pulling away.

“So what now?” Evan breathed.

“What do you mean?” Connor asked.

“Do we just keep doing what we were doing before?” Evan questioned.

“But with more of this.”

Connor pressed their mouths together again. This time he didn’t hold back. Evan wrapped his arms around Connor’s neck as Connor deepened the kiss. This was the answer. This was all of the longing Connor hadn’t hinted at overflowing and colliding with Evan.

“You’re not smooth,” Evan laughed when they broke the kiss.

“I know,” Connor’s lips brushed against his cheek.

“I didn’t think you’d want me,” Evan whispered.

“Why?” Connor pulled back to look him in the eye. “You’re fucking amazing.”

“Thanks,” Evan could feel his face going red.

“I mean it,” Connor murmured. “I’ve never met someone like you.”

“That sounds so cliche,” Evan tried to make his voice flat, but he couldn’t.

“I’m trying, okay?” Connor sighed.

“I know.” Evan pressed his lips against Connor’s.

“You’re beautiful,” Connor whispered when Evan pulled away. “And so much stronger than you realize.”

“You make me feel safe,” Evan knew Connor understood what this meant for him.

“You still want ice cream?” Connor asked in a lighter tone. “Or are we just gonna make out in my car?”

“Connor—”

“Because, honestly, either sounds great,” he continued with a smirk.

“You drove to an ice cream place, we’re getting ice cream,” Evan decided, pulling himself out of the car. Connor followed.

“Can I hold your hand?” he asked as they started walking. Evan interlaced their fingers.

“You don’t have to ask anymore,” he told him.

“Okay,” Connor smiled at him.

He leaned in again. Evan met him half way. It was only as Connor was pulling him close that Evan realized this was the first time they’d been in public together without their affection being an act.

He liked it better then neither of them were pretending.