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Chapter Text

Jared should've expected this sort of thing. It wasn't like he could blame people for flirting with Evan. Evan Hansen was cute and sweet and got all blushy and awkward whenever strangers tried to pick him up. He should've expected it but it still pissed him off.

They were at the party of one of Jared's coding classmates, a party that had an unexpected variety of guests given its host, and so far one guy had given Evan his number, two girls had pulled him into a flirty, drunken dance, and another guy was currently chatting him up on a beer stained couch while Jared watched and tightened his jaw and debated getting another drink.

He was conflicted because Evan seemed perfectly at ease with all the attention he was getting: this was a sign that showed the tremendous work he'd done to build his confidence and fight his anxiety. And Jared didn't want to be an ass about that. But he also didn't want the boy he'd had a crush on since high school to go out with any of these tools.

Evan laughed at whatever the current tool had said and Jared made a beeline for the drink table. Bringing Evan to these parties was not doing wonders for his responsible alcohol consumption, though a similar phenomenon occurred regarding Evan's dates picking him up at their house and Jared's consumption of salt and vinegar chips to avoid making small talk. That one couldn't really be blamed on him.

He found himself another drink and a familiar face at the table. "Long time no see Murphy. Still afraid of shampoo I see?"

Connor Murphy scowled at him through a curtain of greasy hair and sipped his own drink. Connor had also gone to high school with them and had somehow developed his own friendship with Evan. It was one of those things formed out of miscommunication and harsh words and grown from similar struggles. Jared was a little jealous of Murphy too, though Evan was definitely his best friend he suspected Murphy was Evan's.

"Does Evan like that guy he's talking to?" Connor Murphy muttered, words slurred slightly. There was another reason Jared wasn't the biggest Connor Murphy fan.

"Hell if I know," he grumbled. "He's been bouncing from one suitor to another all night."

He looked at him pointedly and for a second he thought Connor was on to him as much as he was on to Connor.

"Hey, do you want to get some fresh air?" Connor fiddled with the paper cup in his hands.

Jared considered for a moment. Evan was still fully occupied. He didn't think he'd notice he was gone. "Sure, whatever." They ducked out of the back door and Jared breathed in the chill of the night air. Connor downed the rest of his drink and pulled a joint out of his pocket.

He lit it and took a drag. "You wanna share?"

"I'm good," he said. He felt enough out of control for tonight.

"Suit yourself."

"How come you haven't been over in a while?"

Connor shrugged. "I've been busy. School's kind of kicking my ass this semester."

"Yeah," Jared muttered. Evan had pulled a couple of all nighters despite Jared's concern. "Same here."

The smoke from Connor's joint curled around his head and Connor smirked at him with his watery eyes and pale face. He wasn't bad to look at that was for sure, not that gay stoner boys were really his thing. Anxious dorks were more his type.

"Well you should come back over."

Connor rolled his eyes. "I don't want to see him with all his dates. How many does he have anyway? Three a week?" He sounded as bitter as Jared felt.

"It's good for him. He's popular." Evan had been dating a lot more lately. When he'd asked about it Evan had turned pink and muttered something about the importance of putting himself out there.

"How drunk are you?" Connor asked.

"I'm plenty drunk Murphy."

"I have a crush on Hansen."

"So do I." They looked at each other. Connor started laughing and Jared followed suit.

"I'm hopeless," Jared breathed. "I'm fucking hopeless."

"Join the club." Connor took another drag. "Not sure why I trusted you with that Kleinman, but I'm glad we're in the same boat at least."

Jared shrugged. "I guess I'll be happy if it's you."

"Back at you nerd."

Jared looked up at the dark of the sky and felt his eyes get teary. He took off his glasses and cleaned them on the edge of his shirt so he had an excuse to bend over and shield his face from Murphy. It was because he was drunk and sad and tired. He wasn't always falling apart. He sniffled quietly.

"I'll come back over," Connor said softly. "I can't just run away from him. He's my friend anyway."

"He's my friend too."

Connor finished his joint. "I'm going in. You should probably find Ev right?"

"Yeah," Jared muttered, dreading it. Evan caught his eye and smiled at him from across the room. His knees felt wobbly.

"Where have you been? I missed you." Evan leaned on him when they left. He wasn't as drunk as Jared but he was still giggly and shaky on his feet.

"Are you gonna call that guy?"

"Maybe. I don't know. I need to figure out why I feel so...never mind."

"Why you feel so what Ev?"

"Nothing. It's nothing. We should go home."

"Uh huh." Jared took Evan by the shoulder and led him away. "Hey you should call Connor y'know?"
***
Evan Hansen was selfish. That was the only explanation. He curled up on the couch with his textbook balanced on his knees and watched the sun come up through the window. It was quiet. Jared wasn't awake yet (he'd had more to drink than Evan had) and Evan had powered through his headache and was currently reviewing his notes for the test he had next week. That was, until Connor had texted him.

Hey Hansen, do u want to hang out this week? I know u have class and shit but I can help u study or whatever. Let me know. :)

He knew Connor Murphy wasn't much of a smiley face person but he'd started including them in texts to Evan so he'd know his words weren't hostile. Evan tended to misinterpret.

He tapped out a reply with shaky fingers:

Hi Connor! I'm free after 4 on Wednesday if that works.

He tossed his phone toward the other side of the couch so he wouldn't freak out waiting for his reply. No matter how often Connor assured him that they were friends he always felt nervous about making plans. He worried that he'd bore him or say something stupid. Not that Connor ever made him feel bad about himself. The opposite was true. Evan thought he was more honest with Connor than he was with anyone. They went to the drive in once. Connor put sleeping bags and pillows in the back of his beat up truck (that he grumbled didn't fit his aesthetic) and before the movie started they just talked: about high school, about their families, about the scars on Connor's arms, and the nervous way Evan's voice caught sometimes. Before they knew it the movie was half over and they'd been looking more at each other than the screen. Evan remembered the way Connor's face has been so close to his, his breath warm when he whispered things he said he'd never told anyone before.

He turned back to his notes and tried to focus despite his swimming vision. He heard Jared's bedroom door creak open and shortly after the banging of pots and pans. He'd been roommates with Jared Kleinman since he started college. They started out in a dorm their freshman year and had moved into a house near campus for their sophomore and junior years. Jared was a good roommate. He gave Evan his space when he needed it and was there to talk him through things when his thoughts turned frantic and irrational. Jared was good at making lists: lists of tiny and manageable steps Evan could take to finish an overwhelming task, grocery lists that always included Evan's favorite ice cream and those snack cakes shaped like pine trees that showed up in December, and lists of reasons why Evan was a good person and why he was happy to be his friend.

"Hey Ev." He looked up to see Jared standing over him, glasses askew and smile just as lopsided. "I'm making pancakes. Do you want chocolate chips in yours?"

"Um...y-yes please. Thank you Jared." Jared grinned and ruffled Evan's hair.

"You look like shit. Get some rest."

Evan nodded and Jared turned back to the kitchen. When he was gone he threw aside his notebook and stretched out, defeated. His phone pinged and he looked at Connor's reply.

Sure thing. See u then Hansen. :)))

Evan Hansen must be the most selfish person in the world. There was something else wrong with him because normal people didn't think like this. He couldn't have a crush on two different people at the same time. He couldn't want a relationship with Connor AND Jared that wasn't the way things worked. He was just being selfish and until he figured out how to stop his heart from doing cartwheels he couldn't be with either of them. He just had to keep doing what he was doing and hope it worked itself out.

He'd lied to Jared when he asked him why he'd been dating so much. Sure, he liked being liked and taken to movies and out to dinner and practicing how to talk to people and be normal when it didn't matter so much how things went. But the real reason was to distract him from what he knew he couldn't have.

He couldn't have both.

So he'd have neither.
***
Dear Connor Murphy,

It is stupid to have a huge, ridiculous, gay crush on your best friend. Having a crush on Hansen will ruin things. If he finds out he will hate you and things will be weird and you'll lose him. You can't lose him.

There's no way he likes you like that. You're mean and pathetic and he probably finds you just as disgusting as you find yourself. Who would want to date that?

Jared's right though. You can't just ignore him. You'll see him today and you won't be weird or awkward or mean and defensive.

Oh right, I've gotta be hopeful at some point. Today is going to be a good day because you're seeing Evan and Evan is adorable and he makes everything better.

It's going to be okay.

Sincerely,

Me

Connor's therapist didn't assign these letters anymore but he still wrote them sometimes. He was supposed to write it like a pep talk but he'd never been a peppy person. He shut his laptop and walked to his closet. If he didn't get ready soon he was going to be late for Evan's. He selected a thick brown cable knit sweater that Evan had gotten him for his birthday. It wasn't much like the rest of his wardrobe but Evan had explained that he'd picked it for its long sleeves and its warmth. The sleeves covered the scars on his arms and the warmth was perfect for the cold day. He thought he looked softer in the sweater Evan had picked out. His eyes looked tired and his hair stuck out in places like it usually did but it was okay because Evan would be happy he was wearing the sweater.

Jared answered the door. "Sup Murphy, nice sweater." They traded knowing looks and Connor again cursed himself for blabbing to Kleinman. Connor trusted him not to tell. He'd answered the door with his DS in one hand and his glasses sliding down his nose. Jared was a good friend to Evan even if he pretended not to be. It must've been hell for him living with Evan and crushing on him harder than a 13 year old girl. Because now that he'd told him it was kind of ridiculously obvious. Jared lit up when Evan came into the room. He waited for a moment after some of his jokes to make sure they hadn't hit Evan too hard. He also had a penchant for barging in whenever Connor and Evan were alone together (which made a lot more sense now.)

"Thanks, is Hansen here?"

"Yeah, he's in his room. You can go on up."

Connor nodded gratefully and started to climb the stairs. He stopped before he knocked on the door. His self-esteem was doing that yo-yoing thing again and suddenly he felt very self conscious about the way his twig of a torso swam in the big sweater. He'd always been uncomfortably scrawny and the sweater seemed to exaggerate it. After a moment of swirling insecurity Evan opened the door and saved him the trouble of knocking.

"Hey Connor, how are you?" He asked brightly. Behind him he could see the succulents on his windowsill. Evan's room was full of soft things and pastel colors. It smelled like lavender and sunshine.

"'M fine, a little tired. How are you?"

"I'm happy you texted," he said and Connor's chest hurt. "I like your sweater," he continued.

"Thanks."

"I thought we might watch a movie. Have you seen the new Spider-Man?"

"No but the kid's cute. We should watch it."

Evan grinned. "I'll get it queued up. You're good on time right?"

"Yeah, I'm good. I'm stopping by Alyssa's boyfriend Joe's party at 10 but we should be done by then."

"I thought Alyssa was dating Sara?"

"Oh, she is it's just..." a couple of years ago he wouldn't even have other friends to talk about. It was an oddly satisfying feeling. "Alyssa, Sara, and Joe are in a polyamorous relationship."

"In a what?" Evan looked confused.

"Polyamory? It means that all three of them are dating. It's like a love triangle but without the conflict."

"Oh." It might've been his imagination but Evan looked like he was blushing. "I didn't know people did that."

"Yeah, it's definitely a thing. They all seem pretty happy." Connor figured if a relationship worked with three why not?

"So Alyssa gets to kiss both of them...?" He trailed off like he was thinking about something.

"I mean, I assume so. I don't really ask her about that but I think it's kind of the point."

"R-right," Evan said. "R-right sorry."

"You're okay. Do you want to watch the movie now?"

Connor sat on Evan's bed with Evan beside him and tried not to doze off. It wasn't that the movie was boring, but he really was tired and the bed was so soft and Evan was so warm beside him he couldn't help it.

It was a nice place to fall asleep.
***
Jared was going to order pizza but he didn't want to get it just for himself (he couldn't justify getting an order of breadsticks unless Evan and possibly Connor Murphy shared with him.)

He knocked on Evan's door but got no answer so he pushed it open slightly. Both boys were fast asleep as the credits to their movie rolled by on Evan's laptop screen. He shook his head and smiled at the gentle flush of Evan's face and the drool down one side of his mouth. His arm was slung across Connor's chest and Murphy's lashes were long and face peaceful in sleep. He looked different compared to the night on the patio. There he looked reckless and hurt and bitter in the way Jared too often felt. He looked at home here. Evan would probably fall for him. Who was he kidding? Of course Evan would fall for the edgy, hot guy, not some loser like him. Connor was all sharp edges and angles. Connor understood Evan in ways he couldn't. Connor wasn't a joke.

Deep down Jared thought he might always be a joke.

Chapter Text

Evan read the Wikipedia page three times in his bed that night. He knew he needed to fall asleep but he couldn't. When Connor had talked about his polyamorous friend he hadn't made it sound weird or bad and neither did the Internet (for the most part at least.) And the more he thought about that the more he thought about kissing Jared and Connor and the more he thought about kissing them the hotter his face felt and harder it was to close his eyes. He got up to get some water, tiptoeing across the wood floor.

To his surprise the light in the kitchen was still on.

"Jared? What are you doing up it's almost 3 am."

Jared turned to look at him. His face was open in a way it wasn't usually and it took him a moment to clear the emotion from his features. "Hey Ev," he said sharply. "I'm uh...I'm making ramen and a microwave mug cake."

"Oh." Shitty microwave food at three in the morning meant Jared was upset. "Can I join you?" Evan took a seat at the kitchen table.

"Sure," Jared said, wiping his nose discreetly on the back of his hand. "Do you want some ramen and/or cake?"

"I could go for some cake." Jared flicked on the radio to the oldies station and the gentle hum of some 50s slow song filtered in. He put the mug between them and started in on his ramen.

"Are you okay? You're eating your sad food."

Jared blushed and spooned some more of the ramen into his mouth. "It's nothing. I just can't sleep."

"Me too," he muttered. "Hey um..." oh God why was he so nervous. "C-Connor mentioned his um...his p-polyamorous friend today. I d-didn't know that was a thing."

Jared raised an eyebrow but remained silent so he continued. "W-what do you uh what do you think about that?"

Jared cocked his head to one side in confusion. "What do I think about polyamory?"

"I'm s-sorry that's a dumb question I shouldn't have..."

"I think that it it makes you happy go for it. You being a general you not you specifically...not that I'm excluding you. You can do whatever you want."

Evan bit his lip. "Do you think you'd ever be into it?"

"Me?" Jared's eyes widened and Evan wanted to crawl under a rock. "Oh, c'mon Evan there's no way one guy would be interested in me, let alone two."

"That's not true."

"Evan you don't have to lie to me just because I look and feel like shit."

"So there is something wrong?"

Jared winced.

"And I'm not lying. And you don't look like shit. You n-never look like shit."

Jared looked down at his ramen again and stuffed another spoonful in his mouth. Evan tried a bite of the mug cake and tried to keep his heart from beating out of his chest. It was a stupid, reckless thing to ask but he was glad he'd asked it.

"Do you wanna talk about what's bothering you?"

Jared shook his head. "I'm sorry Ev I'm just being a baby." He ran a hand through his hair and Evan frowned.

"You know you can talk to me about anything right?"

"I know. Thanks Ev." Jared still looked sad. He hated that he was sad. The radio continued its melancholy sputtering of old love songs.

"Do you want to dance?"

"Dance?" Jared nearly choked on his ramen.

"W-we don't have to I j-just thought.."

"Fuck yeah Evan," he said quietly, almost a whisper, that didn't fit with the words.

Jared's hand was gentle on his waist. They swayed close together. Evan was nervous that his hand was sweaty but Jared hadn't said anything about it so they just kept swaying.

"Thanks Evan," Jared muttered, and he could feel his breath on his neck.

When the song ended and they broke apart Evan didn't step back right away. His eyes fell to Jared's lips like some lovestruck idiot.

"I should probably go to bed," he said softly.

"Right, me too."

"Goodnight Ev."

"Goodnight Jared."
***
"I need you to put that down and then tell me what exactly you think you're doing."

Connor put down the bottle of glitter nail polish he'd stolen from Zoe's room and sighed exaggeratedly. "I painted them black like I usually do but something seemed wrong so I took the black off and tried green but then I forgot it wasn't dry and tried eating chips and messed them up. So I went for it a third time but I was kind of tired and distracted so now I have this." He held up his mangled nails: glitter on some, a mishmash of uncoordinated colors and smudges.

"I love you bro, but you only go nail crazy when there's something wrong. You took your meds this morning right?" Zoe asked, taking a seat across from him and reaching out to wipe the wet polish from his nails. "And don't take my glitter again this shit is expensive."

"Yeah I took my meds. And I'm fine. I just..." he trailed off. Zoe's worry sometimes made him feel guilty. Connor was used to feeling guilty (it was one of his few emotions that included anger, worthlessness, and pining.)

"It's just that I saw Hansen for the first time in a while yesterday."

She finished his nails and selected a deep indigo to redo them. "And that's bad because...?"

"It's not bad it's just that every time I've tried to get together with him before he has always had a date. Evan has a new date every week now."

"Our Evan?" She said, taken aback.

"Yeah...yesterday I remembered how much I missed him."

"And I assume you're also hella jealous?"

He scowled at her. "You could say that yeah but don't tell anyone."

She nodded sympathetically. "All these dates and he hasn't asked you out yet?"

Connor shrugged, eyes on the silver glitter she was now applying. His nails looked like tiny galaxies with glittering stars. "Maybe he just doesn't like me."

"Bullshit."

"He'll probably just ask Kleinman," he muttered.

She frowned. "Do you think Evan likes Jared?"

"It's more likely than him liking me." And Kleinman's not broken like I am, he didn't add. "In any case he's not dating either of us."

Zoe crossed her legs and pulled her hair into a ponytail at the top of her head. He thought she looked more authoritarian with her hair pulled out of her face. Maybe he did too. "You know I hit on a bunch of people before Alana and I started going out. I just wanted to make her jealous."

"I don't think he's doing that."

She sighed. "Look, obviously I don't know the whole situation but I do know you. And you always sell yourself short." He looked up at her. "It's not ridiculous for him to like you. You're very likable Con."

"Thanks," he muttered.

"You're very welcome. Do you want me to do your toes?"

From then on Connor spent more time at Evan and Jared's place, regardless of Evan's dates. When Evan wasn't around he just hung out with Jared. Which wasn't the worst thing in the world he soon realized. He'd actually started texting him more often too. And sometimes they got together for real, and not just to complain about being stuck without Evan.

"So when did you realize you had feelings for him?"

"Why so you can establish your right to call dibs?"

"Connor Murphy, he is a human being I can't call dibs on a human being I'm ashamed of you. Regardless I think we need to establish a timeline."

Connor laughed at the mock seriousness of Jared's expression. They were sitting at opposite sides of the couch, feet tangled together in the center cushion. Connor was doodling while Jared played some video game he hadn't caught the name of. After awhile he had paused it.

"Um...it was senior year. It's kind of stupid to say out loud because it was just this uh...this dumb little moment in high school. He knew I was having a bad day and he was giving me a ride so we could hang out at his place and he just pulled into the drive through at McDonalds and got me fries and ice cream and uh...I'd never really had someone who knew when I felt like shit and went out of their way to make me feel better. And when he handed me my fries and told me he was proud of me for getting through the day I just knew that I liked him."

Jared nodded slowly and Connor felt their feet tangle further, Connor barefoot with his toenails painted and Jared in his thick striped socks.

"How about you?" He asked when Jared didn't say anything.

Jared grinned. "Sophomore year. He climbed the tree in my back yard and when he got to the top he just laughed his head off like an idiot. I was on the ground still and I just remember looking up at him and thinking that I could look at him forever."

"Damn that's really gay."

Jared cackled. "Like you're one to talk."
***
Okay so he'd be lying if he said he still didn't like Connor Murphy. He was growing on him: the way he took his coffee black next to Evan's mess of sugar and creamer, his eyes that looked intense even when he was tired or stoned, his soft stories about Evan and drive through fries and about the way loneliness ate at him sometimes. Only Connor didn't say the last thing lightly. Conversations about feelings happened when Evan was on a date and they both felt bitter and cracked open at their chests and knees and ankles. Connor would talk about the scars on his wrists and the lies his brain told him. Jared wasn't so forthcoming. He guessed, when he thought about it, he was used to bottling things up.

"I mean I don't tell my parents much. When I need to say something I know they don't want to hear I just lie."

"I guess I like pissing off my parents," he said. He was cooking a strange mess of eggs in one of Jared's frying pans. Connor Murphy tended to help himself in their kitchen. Although this time he was making food for the both of them. "That dude Evan's out with looks like he belongs in a fucking Wes Anderson movie."

"Yeah and you look like a Twilight extra but I don't say anything about it."

"You're so funny Kleinman," he replied in monotone. "Here, have some eggs a la Murphy." He put the mess of broken yolks and pepper speckled egg bits in front of him before dousing the mess in hot sauce.

"Thank you? I hope you're not trying to poison me Murphy."

Connor rolled his eyes and leaned his elbows on the counter. It was kind of late for eggs. It was nearly 10 and Evan wasn't back from his date yet. "I used to cook random food when I got really depressed. It was all shit and I usually burned something but it kept me from..." he trailed off, fingering the scars on his wrists. "I don't anymore because food's not cheap and my roommates would probably kill me if I set off the fire alarm."

"What do you do instead?" Jared asked, prodding at the eggs with his fork.

"I sound proofed my room so sometimes I just go in there and scream my head off. Or I talk to Evan. Or I bother you."

Jared looked up at him, meeting Connor's self-conscious gaze. "I kind of don't hate you Kleinman."

"Thanks. I don't hate you either." This felt like something. He didn't know what that something was but it seemed important. "And you aren't bothering me," he blurted before the moment was gone. "I don't make friends very easily and it's nice to have...God, I sound like Ev. I'm not trying to make a big deal out of it or anything. It's just nice not to be alone."

"Yeah," he said. "You don't have to eat the eggs just because we're bonding or whatever."

"Oh thank God."
***
The more he saw them hang out together the more he thought he should stop being a coward and just ask. Ideally it would be a light, no pressure kind of inquiry, but every time he pictured himself doing it went more like "HI JARED HI CONNOR I LIKE BOTH OF YOU CAN WE ALL GO OUT TOGETHER?" Shouted incomprehensibly in the kitchen or living room or God forbid out in public.

He was having trouble sleeping again. When he wasn't worried about his sexuality he was worried about school. Finals were fast approaching and several of his professors had opted for group projects instead of exams. His groups tended to push all of the work on to him when they realized he was a good student and too quiet to protest. Evan was better at talking to people now but he was still nervous about confrontation. He was getting kind of weighted down and stuck between a rock and a hard place because he didn't want to upset his group members and he also didn't want to have a breakdown. He was walking home from the library and thinking about how much work he had to do and how lonely and weak he felt. It was getting cold. It might even snow tomorrow and his feet were freezing in his worn out boots. Maybe if he started crying his tears would freeze on his face.

"Jared?" When he opened the door he was wrapped up in warmth and the scent of tomato sauce and he could hear crackling from the kitchen. "I'm home. What are you doing...oh."

Jared and Connor were grinning and laughing at each other, both had aprons on and Connor had flour in his hair. "Hansen! You're home," Connor exclaimed when he noticed Evan standing there.

"You're here," Evan replied.

"Evan we're making homemade pasta," Jared explained as Evan stood numbly in the doorway. "We thought you could use a nice dinner but this idiot didn't bring a pasta maker and so it looks kinda fucked up but I think it'll cook alright."

"Are you okay?" Connor asked when Evan remained speechless. His happy expression from a moment earlier faded a bit and Evan felt guilty. He ruined everything didn't he? He was just a big, broken third wheel.

"I'm fine," he said, but his voice cracked pitifully.

"Oh Ev, what's wrong?" Jared put down the spatula he was holding and then Evan started sobbing. He'd tried to hold it in all day but now, seeing two of his favorite people doing something nice for him on a day that wanted to kick him when he was down, was more than he could handle.

Then Jared's arms were around him and he was shaking like a leaf and stuttering out apologies like he was in high school. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry this is so nice I ruin everything and I'm awful so..."

"You're not awful," Connor said. Jared pulled back and rubbed Evan's shoulders while he tried to calm his breathing."What happened Hansen?"

"Nothing," he choked. He suddenly felt hot and panicky. "It's nothing you guys I'm just a l-little overwhelmed s-sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Connor said.

"Hey," Jared said. He cupped Evan's face in his hands. "You know you can tell me anything too."

"I-I um..." he trailed off, blushing furiously, eyes still blurry from the tears. Connor cleared his throat and Jared quickly took his hands off Evan's face.

"Let's have pasta," Jared said and then backed up (into Connor accidentally which was awkward for a second and involved Connor's hands fumbling on Jared's arms.)

The rest of the night was better than breaking down in his kitchen. The pasta noodles were misshapen but surprisingly excellent. After they ate Jared put on The Office and the three of them curled up on the couch with Evan in the middle. Jared had the dorkiest laugh and Connor leaned his head on his shoulder in a way that grounded him. He liked them so much.

"Call me if you want to talk," Connor said when he walked him out. "I'm always here."

"What did I do to deserve you?"

Connor laughed. "I'm a mess and we both know it."

"I think you're great."

"You know you don't ruin anything right?"

Evan shrugged. It was cold and he hadn't bothered to put his coat back on. Connor was wearing the scarf he'd knitted him and his face was pink from the cold.

"You don't Hansen. You're my best friend."

"You're my best friend too."

Connor smiled. "See you Hansen. Tell Kleinman I said bye."

"Yeah...okay."

Evan went back inside and helped Jared clean up the dishes. "You guys seem c-close now."

"Yeah," he replied. "Murphy's not a total asshole."

"I liked the pasta."

"Well don't get used to it nerd." He wiped his hands on a dish towel. "Goodnight Ev."

"Night." He'd wanted to say more. He'd wanted to ask him, in a jealous and insecure way, if he liked Connor more than he was letting on.

Who was he kidding? Including him would be too much work. If they liked each other he'd be happy for them. He repeated this in his head so he wouldn't forget it.

Happy for them. Happy for them. Happy for them.

He didn't have time to worry about this. He had class and projects and strangers to date so his head didn't explode. If there was one thing Evan Hansen was good at it was evasion.
***
Jared liked it when it snowed. He liked the way it blanketed the trees and turned to slush by the roadside. He liked walking in it with a cup of coffee in hand. Everything seemed stiller on nights when it snowed. It was like the night was holding its breath. Everything felt fresh and expectant and important.

He didn't expect to see Connor Murphy on his porch swing when he got home. It was late. He'd been doing some studying of his own away from the distractions of the house (which often included Connor Murphy.)

"What are you doing here? You must be fucking freezing."

Connor looked up from his hunched position. He had snow in his hair and eyelashes. He'd been crying or smoking it was hard to tell. "I was going to surprise him. But uh...after an hour I texted him to try to figure out where he was and..."

"Evan's on another date. He's got an endless supply of phone numbers apparently."

Connor laughed bitterly and tossed the bag of jolly ranchers he had in Jared's direction. "I got him his favorite," he croaked. "What the fuck am I still doing here Kleinman? Do you know?"

"Come inside. We can..."

"I don't want to come inside." He bared his teeth and spoke in a low growl.

Jared took off his scarf and wrapped it around Connor's bare neck. "Fine then. I'll stay out here with you until you do. He sat down. Connor was shaking. His hair covered his face and Jared could tell he was trying to hide his tears the same way Jared had that night at the party.

"I keep trying to tell myself that he's not worth all this. That I don't know...that he's a bad person or whatever but he's not. He's not seeing other people to hurt me or some shit. He just doesn't like me. He just...I just don't deserve someone like him." His voice sounded so broken that for a moment Jared hated Evan. He hated him even though Connor was right and he wasn't doing anything wrong.

"You do deserve someone like Evan."

"You don't have to lie to me Kleinman I'm not a fucking kid."

"You do!" He repeated and it was too loud and echoed in the icy streets, sound tangling with the amber glow from the street lamps. Connor looked up. Jared had realized they had the same weird eyes years ago but he didn't think he'd ever really looked at them. He didn't think he'd looked at the freckles on Connor's nose before either, or the mystery bruise on his right cheekbone he claimed he woke up with and didn't remember how he'd acquired. There was snot on his face and his eyes were red.

Jared had learned that Connor Murphy's default tended to be anger. He yelled. And his tears were more often angry than sad.

Connor drew in a long breath. The anger faded from his face into something more tired and vulnerable. "Why doesn't he like me?" He said.

Maybe they were more alike than he realized. Maybe Connor could understand him the way he understood Evan.

Jared leaned in fractionally, involuntarily and then stopped, rational part of his brain urging him to pause. You don't just do things. You think, you plan, you engineer your image so people can't see all the ways you fall short. For once the irrational and reckless and unconscious won. He leaned in the rest of the way and kissed him. He kissed Connor Murphy and he tasted like smoke and salt and felt impossibly warm.

What are you doing?

He drew back, apologies on his lips. "I shouldn't have done that. You're obviously in a bad place and it's fucked up to take advantage of..."

Connor cut him off by kissing him back, long and drawn out and hot and mutual and hungry in a way he didn't expect. Because it was just him. It wasn't someone kind and sweet like Evan or hot and edgy like Connor it was just him: not that nice or attractive or confident. It was just him and yet Connor's hands were on the back of his neck, pulling him closer. They broke apart for air.

A loud smacking sound pulled their eyes off of each other. Connor reacted first.

"Fuck! Hansen are you okay?" Evan was lying on his back in the driveway, facing away from them as if he'd been in the process of turning around to go back the way he'd come when he slipped.

Connor reacted first but Jared was the first to stand up. He could feel his heart in his throat. Beside him Connor was breathless, his lips very red even in the dark. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. He hated the snow. Shit like this only happened when it snowed.

He ran off the porch and into the driveway, more careful with his steps now. Evan still hadn't said anything. He was covering his face with his hands.

"Ev you're going to have to say something because you're scaring the shit out of me."

It was quiet in his head despite the fact that Connor was yelling something from the yard and a car was driving by. It was quiet and then Evan spoke and it wasn't anymore.

He uncovered his face and looked up at him with a horrified and supremely embarrassed expression. "I'm really sorry."

Chapter Text

Connor Murphy figured out that he was gay when he was 10. Of all the confusing bullshit in his life, kissing boys was the one thing that made perfect sense. And he did kiss a boy for the first time when he 13. And the boy had crooked teeth and endless freckles and told him not to tell anyone. He told Zoe and his parents his senior year. He told them after he tried to end it and was back in therapy and starting medication. Keeping it secret had been a tight ball of anger and shame in his chest for so long. As much as he had isolated himself and kept everything in him a mystery for so long, it was a release to say aloud the one thing he'd been careful never to say. And his mom had cried and told him she loved him. His dad had patted him on the back and cleared his throat a lot and failed at not being totally awkward about the whole thing. But that was better than he had feared deep down. Zoe shrugged  and said she was bi so she couldn't care less and then they had a long conversation about both of those confessions and it was probably the longest they had talked without yelling at each other back then. 

Chapter Text

Jared answered the door. He looked kind of frazzled and flushed and he grinned wildly as he pulled him inside. "Thank God you're here. We've just been staring at each other and not saying anything for the past 8 minutes."