Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jensen feels sick. God, he feels sick. Come on, Pooch, stay alive, man. Jesus. He knew he should have put a tracking device on that fucker. This sucks. This sucks, Pripyat sucks, Max sucks.

He still can't believe --

Fuck, man, he's good. He knows he's good. Didn't know he was that good. Thank God his hands ain't shaking. His skeleton's gonna rattle its way right out of his skin, though. Heart, meet esophagus.

OK. Strap in, suit up, brain on. Dial that shit up to eleven. He thinks: I'll find you, motherfucker. Ol' buddy, ol' pal. You can't hide from me.

"Cougar, man, we gotta go, we gotta go, what the fuck are you staring at?" What the fuck is Cougar doing, grabbing his face with those big, rough paws. Looking at him like he had back on that lifeboat in the open water with the fucking sinking ships and plutonium and goddamn sharks.

Like disbelief, like gratitude. Like desperation.

What's he doing getting all up in his face and smushing their lips together. The muscles in Cougar's mouth are bow string tense. He's awkward, like it's been a while. He presses hard with the pads of his fingers into Jensen's skin and against bone like he's bracing himself. His upper lip slots between his and the lower trembles wetly against his chin.

What the fuck is Cougar doing, kissing him? Kissing him in front of God, everybody, the tiltrotor, this irradiated city. All these fucking nuclear ghosts. Nothing between them but fabric and millions of miles of silence.

What the fuck is he doing, kissing back?

"Thank you," Cougar doesn't let him go. "That was amazing. You're amazing. Thank you."

"Men! Get the fuck with the program!" Clay. Cougar releases him, leaving stinging little marks where his nails dug in. Runs to join the rest of the team.

"Damn it, Cougar," Jensen rubs at his cheek. "The fuck you got against my heterosexuality?"

Chapter Text

Jensen is in a bad mood. You don’t just do that to people, you know? You don’t just go around kissing people because, because why? Because it’s funny? Because you’re bored? Or excited? He glares at Cougar.

“Que?”

“Don’t fuckin’ ‘que’ me, man! You know – you know exactly what you fuckin’ –” Cougar smiles at him. “Stop it, I don’t, I can’t –”

“Don’t what? Can’t what? Nothing. Nada. Forget it.”

“Forget it?” He demands, incensed. “Fucking ‘forget it’? Are you fucking kidding me?” Cougar shrugs.

“Just a kiss.”

“No, fuck you. People like us don’t ‘just kiss’. You – I hate you right now, you know that?”

“You don’t.”

“OK, I don’t. Fuck you!” Cougar narrows his eyes at him. “Fuck you, man! Fuck… Why couldn’t you have done this when I was still young and hot?”

“You’re still –”

“Can it. Knock it off. Why are you doing this to me now?”

“Because I was tired of doing it to myself.”

Jensen blinks at him. “Masturb –”

“Jake.”

“This is. This is mean.”

“Mean?”

“How fucking long has it been, Cougar? How long.”

“Ten years.”

“No, not since… How long have you –”

“Ten.”

“Oh. Why the fuck didn’t you… what the fuck…” Jensen takes off his glasses and presses hard against his closed eyes with the heel of his palms. He feels the warmth and pressure of hands covering his own, presses harder. “Don’t. Fuck you.”

“Jake.”

“Why?” Oh boy, does he hate the way his voice cracks.

“When? How?” The worst part is, he knows Cougar’s right. He knows. When did either of them ever have a chance to say it? Hadn’t Jensen been quiet all these years right alongside him? He lets Cougar pull his hands away from his face. He keeps his eyes closed.

“Abre tus ojos.”

“I really don’t wanna look at you right now.”

“Jake, how long?”

That makes him cringe. How long? Longer than ten years sounds pretty fucking pathetic. He feels Cougar’s rough hands against his cheeks. They slide down to tug at his beard. A camel. Fuck. He hopes to God or whoever that he doesn’t cry.

“I’m not saying. Go fuck yourself.”

Cougar chuckles, then he’s silent. Then there’s warm, chapped lips soft against his own. It’s weird that he knows what this feels like, now: Cougar kissing him. It’s so fucking weird.

“This is weird,” he says against Cougar’s mouth. Cougar smothers his own laughter against Jensen’s lips. He pushes harder against him. He drags his lips along the stubble on Jensen’s cheeks and leaves a line of wet. He licks Jensen’s temple. The rim of his hat bumps his head. “Fuck.” Jensen squeezes his eyes shut tighter.

He opens his eyes. Cougar is close enough he’s actually not blurry. He puts his glasses back on anyway. Cougar gives him a sheepish, probably apologetic little smile.

“This is really fuckin’ stupid, you know that, right?” Jensen pokes hard at the center of Cougar’s chest.

“Si,” Cougar shrugs. “We are stupid.”

Jensen laughs. “Yeah, we kind of are…” He clears his throat, shoves his hands awkwardly into the pockets of his jeans, his shoulders jerk up to meet his ears. “Why the fuck… why now? Don’t we have enough to lose, I mean, fuck!” He gestures helplessly, vaguely.

Cougar shrugs, purses his lips. “Yes, we have enough to lose… can’t we keep something?”

Jensen deflates. “You.. you really fucking suck, you know?” Cougar smiles. “Don’t – don’t say anything corny, OK?”

Cougar’s eyes go innocently wide. “Me?”

“Right, OK, when would you ever.” Jensen takes a fortifying breath. “Can I – I’ve wanted to –”

“Anything.”

“Oh, you’re gonna fuckin’ regret that, buddy.” Cougar’s smile goes instantly sharp. “Stop that. OK.”

He lifts his hands tentatively, and Cougar’s eyes follow them; they are open and trusting, curious, but not wary. Jensen gently takes a hold of his hat, lifts it off his head, sets it down. He lets his breath out in a rush of air. “I want to kiss you so much, every day.”

“Si,” Cougar tilts his head up.

“But this is such a bad idea.” Cougar grabs his face in one hand, squeezes his cheeks.

“Jake.”

“Stop it,” Jensen manages through the pressure on his face. “Stop saying my name like that. Fuck. Let me go, damn.” He shakes him off.

“Mi amo –” Jensen claps a hand over his mouth.

“That’s worse.” He jerks his hand away. “Did you just lick me? Jesus Christ.”

“I’ll lick you again.” Cougar smiles, all teeth.

“I haven’t even agreed to this, you little jerk.”

“I’ll show you little.”

“Cougar, I’ve seen your dick before. I’ve jerked off to memories of it. It’s nothing new.”

Cougar’s eyebrows shoot straight up. “You’ve –”

“No, absolutely not. Shut the fuck up.” He bites the bullet: “I’m fuckin’ scared, man.” His voice is small.

“Kiss me. Be a man.” Jensen laughs in spite of himself. The warmth that sparks up in Cougar’s eyes makes him choke a little.

“OK,” He says. He thinks: Here goes nothin’. He sort of awkwardly shoves his hand through Cougar’s hair, resting against his scalp; it’s warm and damp from sleeping under his hat. “How do men kiss?”

“With gusto.” Cougar says it with a straight face.

Jensen kisses him, laughter jolting through his body.