Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Evan started eating lunch in a hallway halfway through sophomore year. He wasn’t sure how it took that long for him to come up with the idea. Students weren’t required to eat in the cafeteria, it just made the most sense for them to, and Evan wasn’t allowed to bring his food into the library or computer lab. At first he only hid there when him and Jared didn’t have the same lunch period. It took about a month for him to realize Jared didn’t really care if he forced himself to sit through forty minutes of hell in the cafeteria or not.

The hallway was always empty, since there weren’t any classes in that building during Evan’s lunch. Every so often a teacher would pass by and pretend not to notice the kid trying to blend into a row of lockers as he forced down his sandwich. He knew it was pathetic. Jared had pointed that out to him on more than one occasion, but it was easier than being around a hundred people who could simultaneously not see him and notice his every flaw.

A bit into Evan’s junior year Connor Murphy started coming to the locker next to where he set up is forty minute camp. Evan knew who Connor was. Reputation aside, they’d been in the same school system since first grade. Evan wasn’t sure Connor had ever spoken a word in his direction the entire time. Not that Evan had to him—not that Evan talked to anybody aside from Jared.

Evan hadn’t thought that anyone in their school used the lockers they were provided, and certainly would not have pegged Connor as the type to make use of school resources.

Connor didn’t do this everyday, but as the year progressed it became more frequent. Evan started arriving to his spot in the hallways a few minutes later, since Connor usually showed up at the beginning of lunch to dump his things into the mettle shelf and loudly slam the door. Sometimes Evan was already there, and just kept his head down and waited until Connor left.

Connor acted like he couldn’t see Evan.

In the few weeks before the last summer vacation of high school, Evan noticed that instead of just throwing his stuff, Connor would take out a small grey notebook, jot something down, and put it back into the locker. Evan didn’t know what that was about. He’d brought it up to Jared once who’s informed him that it was probably Connor’s hit list for when he inevitably shot up there school and proceeded to ask Evan why he still ate in a hallway and not the cafeteria like a normal person.

Evan didn’t mind being quiet through whatever Connor Murphy was doing, if it meant that he could be alone for the rest of the time. Even if being alone was awful, sometimes it was better than being with people. Jared wouldn’t get that, so Evan didn’t bother explaining.

He wasn’t a normal person. Connor Murphy didn’t seem like he was either.

On the first day of senior year, Evan expected the routine to continue. He sat in his corner like he always did, and Connor showed up three minutes after the bell rung like he usually did. He only saw Connor out of the corner of his eyes.

He imagined himself sinking into the wall. He imagined himself turning invisible. He wondered if either of those would make a difference.

Connor’s footsteps were louder than usual. Evan put his gaze on his hands. He heard Connor stop in front of his locker, and then heard the loud ring when his fist made contact with the metal wall.

It was only when Evan flinched that Connor seemed to notice him.

For a second, he looked at him. He didn’t say anything, but Evan could feel the glare. His mind replayed the incident that morning. A knot formed in his stomach. He wanted to tell Connor he hadn’t been laughing at him. He hadn’t meant to be laughing at all, it just sort of came out as a completely uncomfortable and nervous reaction.

He wasn’t that kind of person. He’d thought that maybe nearly a year of coexisting in Evan’s hiding spot would be enough for him to know that. Evan wanted to tell him that. Instead he tightened his grip on his knees.

Connor turned his attention away from Evan and to the notebook he always scribbled in. He stood there longer than usual. Evan tried to keep his eyes straight ahead of him. He could hear the pen scratching into the paper. It was louder than the other times. It sounded angry.

When Connor was done, he threw the book into the locker and flung the metal door. He didn’t stick around to see if it even closed. Evan couldn’t tell the difference between stomping and running.

Connor was out of the hallway when the locker slowly swung open and the notebook fell onto the floor. The locker closed in slow motion, relocking with a small click. For a second Evan just stared at the book on the ground. Then he stood up. In the back of his mind he knew that his voice was only able to call out because he knew Connor was long gone. Even if he did turn around what was Evan supposed to say?

Evan knew he couldn’t just leave the book there. He knew it wasn’t a hit list, but that didn’t mean that one of the many people who didn’t like Connor could easily use it to make his life hell if they found it. Evan didn’t want that. Connor might have shoved him a few hours ago, but Evan didn’t want to watch the only other loner of their school suffer. He wasn’t an asshole.

After what felt like an hour but was probably a few minutes, Evan summoned the courage to pickup Connor’s notebook. He didn’t know what to do from there. He couldn’t put it back, so he’d have to hold onto it. The thought of tracking Connor down the next day and explaining how he got his hands on the book was terrifying. Evan had never talked to Connor and the fact that he’d just witness the boy’s violent tendencies didn’t help.

He meant to put the book in his bag, and put off worrying about it until the next day. He didn’t mean to look at it, because that was a violation of privacy, and Evan respected boundaries.

But when his eyes met the first line of the last filled out page, Evan knew that he couldn’t just close it and pretend he hadn’t seen. He felt as if the air was being sucked out of him as his brain frantically processed the scrawled handwriting.

None of you are going to see this until it’s all over. Mom, you’re probably gonna find it first. I’m sorry.

I can’t do this anymore. You’re not gonna get it. None of you are.

I just can’t be happy. Everyday feels like I’m drowning and there isn’t a lifeboat coming for me. There fucking isn’t. I know you want me to think there is but I can’t hold on anymore. I’m not like Zoe. I wish I could be like her, but I can’t.

Goodbye.

Evan couldn’t breath. He was shaking. Every fiber of him was panicking. He knew what this was. He knew exactly what Connor had stormed off to do and it was likely he was the only one who had the slightest idea.

The world around him was blurry. He’d switched onto some sort of adrenaline filled autopilot that propelled him out of the hallway and to the only person in their school he knew might listen to him for half a second.

Jared was at his usual table of the cafeteria, talking to the usual people that he claimed were his friends. When Evan reached him, he looked annoyed. If the situation were any different, if Evan wasn’t being pushed by a frantic sense of urgency, that would probably be enough to make him turn and walk away. But Connor’s book was still in his hands. Connor’s words were stilled burning in his mind.

“Do you know where the Murphy’s house is?” Evan asked Jared. His voice was hoarse and weak. He didn’t know if the other people were looking at him. For once in his high school existence he didn’t give a damn.

“Evan, I already told you, I not gonna help you stalk Zoe Murphy,” Jared laughed. It hurt Evan’s ears.

“No, that’s not—” Evan didn’t have time for this. He needed Jared to listen to him. He needed to leave now or else—

Evan saw branches. He saw freedom and peace. Then he saw the ground. It was moving. It was hurtling toward him and he wasn’t ready.

“Evan?” Jared was staring at him.

Faintly Evan could hear his own breathing. It was a lot faster than it was supposed to be. He didn’t have time to be surprised that Jared could tell. The next thing he knew, Jared was hauling him out of the cafeteria. Evan wanted to cave into the arm guiding him, but he didn’t. This was too much. The past three minutes was the most intense overload he’d ever pushed himself through, but if he crumbled now it was never going to end.

Evan didn’t know anything about Connor Murphy, but imagining him on that ground put a sickness in his stomach.

“What is your problem?” Jared all but demanded.

Evan pushed the notebook into his hands.

“Connor dropped this,” he stammered out.

“You stole Connor Murphy’s diary?” Jared wasn’t looking at the page.

“He’s going to kill himself,” Evan uttered.

“Holy shit.”

Evan watched Jared’s eyes scan the writing in front of him. He watched all the humor disappear from his face. It was replaced by a cold, white fear.

“What do you expect me to do?” Jared questioned.

“Do you know where his house is?” Evan asked again. If he could get there. If they left right then, maybe he could do something. He had to do something.

“I,” Jared looked back at the page.

They needed to move before it was too late. Evan didn’t have time for Jared to process what was happening. He didn’t have time to process it himself.

“We should call 911,” Jared told him.

Part of Evan wanted to agree, because surely the police could get there faster. Logically, it made more sense to leave this to adults who knew what they were doing. That’s what sane, normal people did.

Then Evan thought about the ground rushing to him. He thought of laying there alone. He thought of how mortifying it would have been to have a group of people he didn’t know be obligated to see if he was alright—to have strangers know about how hopeless he was.

“No,” Evan’s voice wasn’t firm. It wasn’t strong. That was okay, he didn’t need to be strong, he just needed to be there. “I don’t know, you can do whatever you want, but I need to be at that house. Now.”

“Jesus Christ,” Jared swore. Evan watched him take a breath. “You fucking owe me big time.”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded.

Then they were running for Jared’s car.

Jared drove like a maniac, but they got there. Evan recognized Connor’s car in the driveway. He’d seen him and Zoe arrive to school in it before. That meant he was right. He jumped out of the car before Jared had fully parked.

The front door wasn’t locked. Evan supposed stopping intruders had to be the last thing on Connor’s mind.

“I’m not going in there,” Jared got out. “Evan, what are we doing?”

Evan didn’t answer. He had to go in. He didn’t have a choice.

At the end of the day Evan knew nothing about Connor Murphy. No one did. Everyone had an image and a rumor in their heads, but no one in their entire school had ever stopped to try to know this boy. No one stopped to know Evan either.

When Evan fell no one had heard.

He pulled the door open. Jared said something, but Evan couldn’t hear him. He was running. He could hear water. The sound pulled him up a very nice staircase. It put his hand on the door of one of the Murphy’s bathrooms. That wasn’t locked either.

From there, everything was a blur.

Evan saw water and blood, and Connor laying in an overflowing bathtub. He heard his own voice screaming for Jared to call 911. He felt his knees give in next to the bathtub.

His hands grasped Connor shoulders. Connor’s eyes were half lidded, but he was looking at Evan. His mouth opened as if to form a question, but nothing came out. He was still there. He was fading, but he was still there.

“Connor,” Evan pushed strength into his voice. “Connor, stay with me.”

He kept talking—begging Connor to hold on just a little bit longer.

Chapter Text

The hospital waiting room was cold, and the chair that Evan slumped in was stiff and uncomfortable. It felt quiet and still compared to the ambulance. The doctors let Evan stay with Connor for the ride, but he wasn’t allowed into the surgery room.

They kept saying that Evan saved Connor’s life. That didn’t sound right when they weren’t sure if he was going to make it. The thought that even after finding Connor it might be too late hadn’t occurred to Evan. For some reason, that felt scarier than not finding him at all.

Connor’s family was called when they arrived at the hospital. Evan wasn’t sure who told them that he was the one who got to Connor. He expected them to question him, to ask how they knew Connor was going to do it and why he hadn’t acted sooner. Instead Connor’s mother hugged him and thanked him. She was crying a lot. Evan didn’t know what to do or say to her.

Connor’s father wasn’t crying. Neither was Zoe. They both had a dazed look in their eyes. They didn’t even seem to notice Evan or the doctors around them.

Evan was slightly grateful for that. He’d been on the edge of a panic attack since the hallway, and only now was his body finally catching up with his surroundings. One of the nurses noticed before he broke down. Evan was fairly certain he’d met her before. When he was younger his mother used to have the coworkers she was closer to over for dinner.

They kept Evan away from the Murphy’s after that. She explained that it was perfectly normal for that to be what pushed him over the edge—that Evan must have been acting through adrenaline and seeing Connor’s family would make it real in his mind. She probably thought that Evan was close to Connor. That made more sense than how Evan had really ended up in that bathroom.

He’d been sitting alone in the cold waiting room for ten minutes before his mom sunk into the chair next to him. He should have expected that. He knew she was on shift all day and that the nurse who had taken him to the waiting room was a friend of hers. That didn’t mean he knew how to explain why he wasn’t at school right now.

Speaking it would force him to relive it. He wasn’t sure he could handle that right now.

“Sarah told me what happened,” his mom finally spoke.

Sarah. That was the name of the nurse who’d helped him. Now that he thought about it, Evan remembered she’d picked him up from school once in sixth grade. It wasn’t an emergency, but his mom had been running late and over stressed. She was still stressed today. They just didn’t ask people for help anymore.

“Is he gonna be okay?” Evan’s voice had lost all the control he’d had summoned when he was holding onto Connor.

“I think so, honey.” Then his mom was hugging him. He let himself sink into her arms. It made him feel small. “I’m so proud of you.”

She didn’t ask who Connor was or why Evan was at his house. She didn’t ask anything.

Evan’s mom had to leave once her break ended, but by then Jared had driven to the hospital. Evan stopped himself from asking why he was there. It wasn’t like Jared could just go back to school after that. Evan couldn’t either, even if sitting in the waiting room and not being told if Connor was pulling through or not was slowly gnawing away at him.

“I can drive you home,” Jared told him.

“I don’t know,” Evan looked at his hands.

Part of him yearned to be in his bedroom where he could close his eyes and try to block out the bathroom, and Connor, and the ground rushing toward the both of them. But leaving felt wrong. If he did, would the hospital know to tell him Connor was alright? Didn’t he owe it to Connor to just stick around until then?

Not that Evan was going to talk to Connor once he was conscious. Just the thought of that made him feel like he was going to pass out. That didn’t mean he still didn’t have to know.

He tried to tell Jared this. For the first time in what felt like their entire almost friendship Jared didn’t make fun of how fast he was talking.

“Can’t your mom check on him before her work ends?” Jared asked.

Evan didn’t have an argument to that. Whether or not Evan stayed she probably was already going to check on him. He just nodded in response and followed Jared to his car. He felt numb, but at least that didn’t hurt as much as panic.

It was only when they got in the car that Evan wondered if Jared driving was really such a good idea. He didn’t say anything. After everything he’d asked Jared to do today questioning him would seem like a low blow.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jared asked as he pulled out of the parking garage. The distance between Evan’s house and the hospital wasn’t much, but the drive was going to be long enough for this conversation to dig into him.

“There isn’t really anything to talk about,” Evan stated. They were both there. They both had read the note, they both rushed to Connor’s house. Evan didn’t have to explain anything to Jared.

For a little bit, neither of them said anything. Evan didn’t have the energy to break the silence, and this was one of the rare occasions that he was pretty sure the same went for Jared. The boy sitting next to him was so much more stoic than the one who had called him an acorn that morning. It didn’t feel right.

“I just can’t get that image out of my head,” Jared confessed in a smaller voice than Evan was used to from him.

“Image?” Evan didn’t understand.

“Connor,” Jared stated.

Evan hadn’t realized Jared had seen the body. He must have run into the house when Evan started screaming. Evan hadn’t registered anything aside from trying to keep Connor awake, but Jared was the one who called 911. If Jared hadn’t been there, Connor wouldn’t have made it out of that bathroom.

“Do you think,” Jared winced. “Do you think Connor was really offended when I called him a freak?”

Evan didn’t know how to answer that.

Yes. Evan thought that every insult—every misdirected joke stuck to Connor. Evan thought that Connor carried the words with him everyday, because that was what Evan did. That was what everyone broken enough to be the subject of humor did.

But he wasn’t going to tell Jared that. Maybe if things were different, if Jared’s awareness of his own actions hadn’t stemmed from seeing the kid he’d just been messing with bleeding out into a bathroom, he might have been honest. When Jared laughed at Connor or poked at Evan he didn’t think that either of them were teetering on an edge, because that wasn’t what people assumed. That was wrong, Evan had always thought it was wrong, but Jared didn’t need to hear that.

He didn’t need to be lied to either.

“Can you tell me when you know if he makes it?” Jared asked.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded.

“Okay,” Jared let out an uneven exhale. “Did you see Zoe?”

“For a second,” Evan admitted. “I don’t think she noticed me.”

“She might now,” Jared probably meant this to be a joke. It sounded even flatter than his normal ones.

Evan didn’t like the thought of seeing Zoe. He wanted to tell her he was sorry and that he was sure she had to be going through hell right now, but if talking to her before terrified him he doubted he could manage it now. Thinking about it made him feel sick.

“We did the right thing,” Jared told him.

“Yeah,” Evan knew Jared could hear how hollow his voice sounded.

“Even if he doesn’t make it,” Jared pressed. “We did the right thing.”

Evan wasn’t sure that really counted for anything.

“Do you want to come in?” Evan asked when Jared pulled up outside of the house. “We could play video games or something.”

Evan didn’t think that either of them would be able to adequately distract themselves, and he knew that trying to get a bit of rest was smarter than pouring his attention into a screen. Still, he knew how empty his house was right now, and he wasn’t sure what his mind was going to fixate on.

“I think I need to go home,” Jared said to him.

“Okay,” Evan understood that.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Jared told him.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. The thought of going to school as if everything was normal after the events of the past hour sounded impossible. “Bye.”

“Wait, you’re bag’s in the back seat,” Jared said as Evan opened the door.

“Oh,” Evan must have left it in Jared’s car when they left the school. Where he placed his school supplies had been the least on his mind. “Thanks.”

He heard Jared drive away as he reached his front door.

When it was actually night and he didn’t have fears of Connor Murphy bleeding to death circling in his brain, Evan still found it impossible to sleep. He didn’t try to take a nap. Instead he laid on his bed and stared at the blank screen of his computer. He didn’t know how to distract himself.

He wasn’t sure what made him remember that Connor’s notebook had been stuffed inside his bag when he and Jared has ran for the school parking lot. Evan still didn’t know how to get it back to Connor, but that dilemma seemed so much smaller now. Without thinking, he pulled it out of the front pocket of his backpack.

Looking at it was wrong. It was intrusive, and terrible, but Evan couldn’t help it.

He didn’t know anything about who Connor really was. He didn’t need an answer to what had driven Connor to his actions today, but he wanted to know what went on in Connor’s head. He wanted to know if Connor saw the world like he did.

He opened the book at a random page. The handwriting wasn’t much different than the last page had been scribbled in. It looked a little bit neater, but not by much. Evan hadn’t been able to tell if Connor’s hand had been shaking in the hallway that day. He had to stop himself from wondering if he had—if he could somehow tell how on edge Connor was—he might have gotten there faster.

It wasn’t dated. Evan supposed Connor didn’t need organization for something private. That wasn’t the best word to dwell on right now.

Fuck this place. Fuck this stupid building and the stupid people crammed in it. Nothing good is ever here. Why does no one fucking get that?

How am I supposed to be focused when I know that every single second I’m here someone is staring at me. I don’t get a break from people judging me. Even as it write this I have to pretend that Evan Hansen isn’t question why I spend the first five minutes of lunch in front of a locker writing in a book. Yeah, someone who spends probably his entire lunch sitting in front of a locker is judging me. That’s how fucking low I am on the stupid high school social food chain.

Mom called that paranoia, which was rich coming from the woman who’s made herself late to countless shitty events because she had to go back home to make sure she turned off the fucking stove. Spoiler alert: she did and she will every time, no matter how much she doesn’t remember.

If I don’t show up I’m a lazy slacker. If I do and it sucks any chance I had at not having a horrible day, then it’s my fault I’m so negative all the time anyway.

It’s my fault because I have no idea what it’s like to deal with “irritating people” all day, or have to suck it up and get through my responsibilities. When I didn’t think my father’s lectures couldn’t get more cookie cutter.

That’s the only time he pays attention is to lecture me. He doesn’t even sound angry half the time. Just frustrated that Mom couldn’t handle making their stoner son go to school.

I’m so fucking done with this shit.

Evan’s attention was pulled away from the journal when he heard the sound of the front door opening. His mom’s shift wasn’t supposed to end until later. He stuffed the journal back into his backpack. He didn’t want her to see it and him have to explain that it belonged to Connor. She’d want to know why he was reading it. She’d want to know a lot of things he still wasn’t sure how to voice.

She knocked on his door, but didn’t wait for an answer. That was their code. Knocking only ever meant “get ready I’m coming in.” They were both too boring to need the veil or privacy waiting allowed.

“I thought you couldn’t come home until ten,” he said when she came into the room.

“I did,” she sat at the edge of his bed. “They let me off earlt.”

“Because of Connor?” Evan didn’t really mean to ask.

“Because of you,” she smiled sadly. “You saved his life.”

“So they know he’s going to live?” Evan asked too quickly.

“Not for certain yet, sweetie,” the smile thinned. “I asked Sara to call me if there was any change. We’ll know right away when he pulls through.”

“Thank you,” Evan murmured. When sounded so much nicer than if, even if it was only wishful thinking.

“Evan,” she started. Evan knew that tone. It was usually followed with a question she knew he’d struggle answering. “Are you close to that boy?”

“No,” Evan tried to assure her. He knew that she wasn’t going to fully believe him. “I just knew what he was going to do. I had to stop him.”

“I can’t believe how brave you are, honey,” she squeezed his hand. He didn’t tell her that word didn’t sound right. “You know I have a lot of questions. I’m not going to ask them now. I just want you to rest. I can’t imagine how hard today was.”

Evan wasn’t sure how to tell her that it shouldn’t have been hard at all. He didn’t know Connor. He was just at the right place at the right time.

“I’ll order a pizza for when you’re hungry,” she stood up. “Try to get some sleep, okay?”

He nodded. He could at least try to close his eyes. He owed her that much.

Chapter Text

Evan’s alarm didn’t go off that morning. His body usually didn’t let him sleep in, so he guessed he had to blame exhaustion from the day before for letting him stay dead to the world until nine am. When he saw his clock, Evan knew that being already two hours late for school should have filled him with panic. Instead he numbly dragged himself out of bed. The events of the day had somehow leveled him out. He wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing.

He found his mom in the kitchen. She told him she figured he’d like to sleep in today. Neither of them brought up that he should be in school. He’d taken mental health days before. Most of them were back in freshman year before he’d figured out how to get through the school day without it suffocating him.

She made them breakfast, even though their usual was scarfing down cereal in the fifteen minutes before having to run out the door. The eggs were a little burnt, but Evan pretended not to notice. He stopped himself from thinking how much he’d wanted mornings like this when he was younger. His mom never slowed down enough for something as simple as not well cooked eggs.

They didn’t talk about Connor for most of the morning. Evan knew that she still had questions, he could see them when she looked at him. He appreciated that she wasn’t asking them now. Part of him thought that it might be easier if he explained what happened to someone, but that would involve trying to get her to understand why he couldn’t have just called 911 from school.

Evan tried to get the homework he hadn’t done the night before finished, acting like everything was normal wasn’t as hard as it should have been. Even if they had never been the family to sit at the kitchen table and do work. He wasn’t sure when was the last time they’d spent this much time in the same room.

When her cellphone suddenly rang, Evan knew who was on the other end of it. He couldn’t tell if the knot in his chest was from hope or dread, but he couldn’t focus on the words she was saying into the device. He waited until she hung up before looking at her expectantly.

“Your friend is gonna be alright,” she beamed at him. He didn’t bother telling her that Connor Murphy wasn’t really his friend.

“He’s okay?” Evan felt the tension that must have been wrapped around him since the hallway finally dispel.

“He’s awake,” she told him. “He’s talking to his family now.”

Evan nodded. His mind remembered the look in Zoe’s eyes in the brief moment they saw each other. If yesterday had nearly killed him he couldn’t imagine what it was like for her.

In the back of his mind he recalled the dulled pain of sitting in a hospital waiting room with his arm in a sling. He remembered failure and none of the resolve he’d thought falling would have granted him. Connor hadn’t asked to be saved. Pulling through wasn’t going to mean relief for him.

“I can drive you there now,” his mom’s voice brought him back to earth.

“What? I,” Evan stammered out. “You don’t have to.”

“I have a shift in an hour anyway,” she told him sweetly.

“I can’t,” Evan tried to find the right words. He couldn’t go to the hospital. He couldn’t see Connor. “He doesn’t want to see me.”

“Evan, he’s asking for you,” she said this as if it was simple. Evan felt all the panic and terror he’d been unable to feel that day wash through him. He didn’t have the chance to mask it. “If you can’t, that’s okay. It’s been a lot.”

“No,” something inside Evan spoke up. “I’ll go. If he want’s to talk to me.”

He couldn’t run from this. He’d decided that when he’d read Connor’s note, when he’d made Jared drive to the house, and when he’d barged into that bathroom. That didn’t mean the thought of talking to Connor didn’t terrify him.

Evan hovered outside of the door. He wasn’t sure if he should feel grateful or more uneasy that his mom had to rush off to work the moment they’d arrived. It didn’t sound like there were other people inside. Evan wasn’t sure he could handle seeing the rest of the Murphy’s. Knowing that he was going to have to pass Zoe in the hall in the next weeks was already fraying his nerves.

He was stalling. He just needed to knock and open the door. From there he didn’t know what was going to happen, but prolonging it outside wasn’t going change what would happen once he walked inside.

The first thing he saw was Connor. He looked up when Evan opened the door but didn’t say anything. That didn’t help steady his already racing pulse. The next thing he noticed was the room around them. It felt bleak and empty. The few times that Evan had been in hospital rooms the family and friends of the person stay there had brought flowers or personal items to make it less depressing. Connor’s room just looked gray and blank.

Evan sat down at one of the chairs next to Connor’s bed. It didn’t look right to see Connor in the faded white hospital gown and not his usual outfit of black and gray. Evan hadn’t realized he paid much attention to how Connor presented himself until now. There were bags under his eye, but that wasn’t abnormal.

Evan felt his hands tug at the hem of his shirt. Was Connor expecting him to say something? What was he supposed to say?

“Hi,” Evan uttered dumbly.

Connor looked him in the eye now. His eyes weren’t as cold as they had been in the hallway, but Evan didn’t think that was because the past night had given him warmth. He looked drained. As if he didn’t have the energy to muster emotion.

“Why the fuck were you in my house?” Connor’s voice was hoarse and dry, but the words cut through Evan easily. They dissolved any chance he had at staying calm.

“I—” Evan couldn’t breath. “I’m sorry.”

“Calm down.” Connor’s eyes narrowed, but he looked more confused than angry. That wasn’t enough to stop Evan from spiraling.

Evan shakily pulled Connor’s notebook out of his bag and put it on the bed, hoping that would be enough. Connor just stared at it and then back at Evan.

“You—” Evan closed his eyes. He needed to get the words out. He owed that to the both of them. “You didn’t close your locker.”

“So you took it?” Connor’s voice was louder now, full of the rage Evan had seen when Jared called him a freak.

“It just fell out,” Evan quickly sputtered. “I wasn’t going to look at it but—”

“But then you did?” Connor demanded.

“I’m sorry,” Evan forced his voice to stay steady. “I saw the last page and I—I just had to do something.”

Connor let out an exhale. Evan watched the anger melt into frustration and frustration into something he couldn’t read. He waited for Connor to kick him out. To tell him that if he told anyone at school about what happened he was dead, and make it clear that this didn’t change anything for either of them.

“How did you know?” Connor’s voice was softer now.

“What do you mean?” Evan choked out.

“How did you know what it was?” Connor asked. He wasn’t looking at Evan anymore. His eyes were on the dingy blue blankets covering his knees. His shoulders were sagging. Evan wanted to reach out to him. He wasn’t really sure why.

“I just had a feeling,” Evan uttered.

“You drove to my house and broke in on a gut feeling?” Connor raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah,” Evan swallowed.

Connor didn’t need to hear him say that he understood him, that he saw himself in the words Connor had scribbled. He wasn’t going to tell the boy sitting in a hospital bed with bandages covering his wrists about the tree or the ground that hadn’t really stopped rushing towards him.

“Why?” Connor asked blankly.

“I just told you,” Evan winced. He couldn’t afford Connor seeing through him right now. He wasn’t here to talk about him or the person adrenaline had pushed him the be the day before. “I just sorta knew and I panicked—”

“No,” Connor cut him off. “I mean, why did you do it?”

“I don’t,” Evan felt his mouth get dry. “What are you asking me?”

“You didn’t owe me anything,” Connor told him numbly. “I fucking pushed you yesterday morning.”

“That wasn’t your fault,” Evan started.

“Right,” Connor scoffed. “Because you were actually laughing at me?”

“I wasn’t,” Evan admitted. “But it’s okay to get mad.”

“Don’t try to fucking justify me,” Connor said coldly.

“I’m sorry,” Evan chirped.

Connor sighed. He seemed to shrink into himself. Evan wasn’t sure he’d ever seen that from Connor, who’d always looked bold and large even when their entire school was against them.

“You didn’t have to,” Connor finally said.

“Didn’t have to what?” Evan softly questioned.

“Just,” Connor winced. “Any of it.”

“I’m sorry about the laughing thing,” Evan started. “It was kinda just a reaction. I didn’t mean it to sound directed at you.”

“I shouldn’t have pushed you,” Connor’s voice was hollow. “This isn’t gonna make sense, but it wasn’t about you.”

“It makes sense,” Evan informed him.

“I didn’t even want to be in school yesterday,” Connor said bitterly. “I knew I was gonna lose control. I fucking knew it.”

Evan just nodded. Connor stared at him. For a second, Evan expected Connor to get mad again or reject his attempt at understanding. Instead his eyes dropped to the cast on Evan’s arm.

“No one signed your cast,” he stated.

“I know,” Evan wanted to sink into his chair. “It’s, um, it’s fine.”

“I’ll sign it,” Connor offered.

“You don’t have to,” Evan stammered quickly. Connor didn’t owe him.

“I want to,” Connor voiced. “Unless you don’t want me to.”

The Connor Evan saw everyday at school didn’t look like this. The Connor half of Evan’s grade was afraid of was never this small. This Connor—the look on this Connor’s face made Evan think that maybe part of him knew that the locker wasn’t going to close. Maybe, on some level, he wanted Evan to find him. Maybe that was his last chance at a cry for help.

Evan was used to his cries not being answered. If the other page he’d read in Connor’s journal was any indication, Connor wasn’t either. Evan wanted to believe that he was sitting here because he’d somehow made a difference to Connor.

“No,” Evan said quickly. “I do. If you want to.”

“Do you have a sharpie?” Connor asked.

Evan produced one from his bag. Connor wrote his name in large bold letters. It took up almost the entire cast, as if hiding the fact that it was the only name there.

“Thanks,” Evan uttered when Connor put the sharpie back in his hand.

Connor nodded. For a second, it looked like he was almost going to smile. That made Evan feel the slightest bit proud of himself.

Then the door opened. It had taken the entire conversation for Connor to near relaxing, but less than a second for tension to consume his whole body. Evan turned around to see Connor’s mother. Her eyes were as red as they had been the day before.

“I didn’t realize you had a guest,” she looked from Connor to Evan.

He could see her recognize him. This was going to be a mess. He turned back to Connor.

“I can go, if it’s better—”

“Mom, this is Evan,” Connor spoke up. “He’s…a friend from school.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Evan,” she smiled warmly at him. It almost looked real. Evan wondered how long it was going to take for this woman to be able to really smile again. Probably not while her son was still in the hospital with bandages around his wrists.

“You too,” he stammered.

“We were talking,” Connor stated.

“Of course,” she nodded.

“You should go eat with Dad and Zoe,” he told her.

“Don’t worry about me,” she said to him. “I’ll come check on you in a bit.”

“Okay,” he said.

Evan watched her leave. Connor sunk into the pillows behind him when she did.

“You don’t have to stay,” he told Evan. “I just need a break of her fussing over me.”

“Right,” Evan hummed.

“Can you do me a favor?” He suddenly asked.

“Yeah,” Evan said a little too quickly. “What is it?”

“Throw this away,” he held up the journal.

“Are you sure?” Evan didn’t take it.

“If it stays here my parents are gonna see it,” Connor explained. “There’s shit in it I don’t want them to know.”

“But you’ve been writing in it for a year,” Evan argued. “You might want it someday.”

Connor scoffed, then froze. Evan didn’t like the look on his face.

“Did you read more than my note?” He asked point blank.

Evan didn’t know how to lie, not when Connor’s eyes were baring into him like that.

“It was only one page,” he started.

“What the fuck?” Connor’s voice was dark.

“I’m sorry,” Evan sputter. “Really, I am. I just—”

“Stop,” Connor said firmly. “Just stop talking.”

Evan nodded.

Connor closed his eyes again. Evan watched his hands make fists in the hospital blanket. He was stopping himself from exploding. Evan could see him stopping himself from exploding.

“Is this some sort of joke?” Connor didn’t look at Evan when he asked this.

“No,” Evan said softly.

“Okay,” Connor took a breath. “Can you put it back in my locker at school?”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded.

Connor scribbled the combination inside the cover of the book. He hesitated a second before putting it back in Evan’s hands.

“I won’t read any more,” Evan blurted. “I wouldn’t have before but I—I guess I just wanted to make sure that you were, you know…”

“Someone worth saving?” Connor asked darkly.

“No,” Evan sputtered. “That wasn’t what I was going to say.”

“You can fucking read all of it,” Connor muttered. “I don’t care, you already saw the worst.”

Evan saw the worst of Connor. And he didn’t know how to tell Connor it didn’t scare him.

“I won’t read it,” Evan promised.

“You should probably go now,” Connor told him.

“Oh,” Evan nodded. “Okay, yeah. I will.”

“Bye, Hansen,” Connor didn’t meet his eyes.

“Bye, Connor,” Evan stammered before walking to the door.

He didn’t ask if Connor wanted him to come back. That was the end of that. Connor got his answers, and Evan got to see that Connor was breathing. He didn’t have the right to push for more.

Chapter Text

Evan put the notebook back in the locker during lunch the next day a figured that was that. It was weird how much and how little the first day of school had changed things. To everyone in Evan peripheral, it seemed exactly the same. His classes were as uncomfortable as they always were, his peers were as loud as they always were, and high school was as painful as it always was.

Once he passed Zoe in the hallway. Her eyes met his for a fraction of a second, before making a beeline for her shoes. She walked faster after that. Evan didn’t pretend to know what that meant. He didn’t know what she saw him as. For some reason, that matter a lot less to him than it used to.

“You’re acting weird,” Jared informed him once at the end of the school day.

“Oh,” Evan didn’t know how to respond.

He didn’t know how to tell Jared that he didn’t seem like himself either, especially when he had the sneaking suspicion that Jared was well aware of this. He didn’t know if Jared was waiting for Evan to point it out. It didn’t make sense for him to, because this wasn’t something that they did. They didn’t acknowledge that things were bothering them—well, at least Jared didn’t.

Evan couldn’t tell if was trying to be nicer or just more in need of someone around him all the time. He kept offering to drive Evan to and from school, bringing up that Evan might as well since he hated the bus. Evan agreed because it was true. He did hate the bus. He’d hated the bus for three years and Jared had never offered then.

They didn’t talk during the car rides. Evan numbly recognized that before the first day of school they talked all the time, even if it was never anything or substance and mainly just Jared poking fun at Evan. Now Jared just played the radio very loud and didn’t make fun of the song lyrics like he used to. He didn’t make fun of anything like he used to.

This didn’t feel like Jared trying to turn over a new leaf. Evan didn’t like what it felt like.

Evan didn’t ask if the first day of school had ruptured Jared’s normal. He wondered if Jared could see Connor’s bloody wrists when he closed his eyes. He wondered why he didn’t.

Two weeks passed as slowly and quickly as possible. Evan tried to focus on his school work. He tried to remind himself that whatever happened in his life he couldn’t falter anymore than he’d already allowed himself. In freshman year he hadn’t thought about colleges and the money they didn’t have to put him in one. He only had a few months left of trying for a miracle. That end goal didn’t seem as pressing as it once had. That wasn’t good.

Evan always arrived early to each of his classes. This was something he’d been doing since middle school, and not being seated at least three minutes before the bell rang was just asking for his insides to panic. He aimed to be one of the first but not the absolute first person to arrive and would keep his eyes on his hands or the blank screen of his phone until the bell signaling the start of the period rung.

Despite his dedication to his routine of avoiding the eyes of everyone in the room around him and looking at mute to the world as possible, Evan noticed when Zoe Murphy sat next to him. Evan knew that she was in his third period class, he’d realized it the first day of school. Normally she was across the room from him, not occupying the desk that Alana Beck had claimed two weeks ago.

He didn’t say anything. He pretended not to see her. It was even harder than it used to be.

She kept her line of vision on the front of the classroom, not giving any sine of being aware of his existence. He didn’t understand, but he wasn’t going to ask. There were other people in the room so he was not going to bring up Connor, and even if they were alone he wasn’t going to try to talk to her about her brother. Even if he was fully aware that the only reason she knew he existed was because of Connor.

Jared hadn’t rubbed that in his face yet. At this rate, he probably wasn’t going to.

Zoe didn’t acknowledge him for the entirety of the class period. Evan tried to hear what the teacher was saying but none of the words registered in his mind. Everything blurred together and all he could hear was his own breathing.

Why was he breathing so loud? Could Zoe hear it? Zoe could probably hear it. The whole room could probably hear it. God, Evan was a mess. He was such a complete hopeless mess.

He felt sick. He was making himself sick. He needed to calm down. He needed to get out of the room and—

The bell jarred Evan back to reality. Around him before were rising from their desks, shuffling toward the door, laughing about things that normal teenagers laughed about. Zoe stood up next to him. In a fluid motion, and without tilting her head in his direction, she dropped a folded up piece of paper on his desk. She was out of the room before he could stammer out a response.

Evan didn’t look at the paper until he was alone in the corner by Connor’s locker. If he hadn’t known he had lunch next, he doubted it would have been that easy to calm down. It sounded so pathetic that all it took was for a piece of paper to be dropped on his desk for him to near panic.

He leaned his back against the wall as he unfolded it to reveal a carefully scribbled letter. He recognized the handwriting.

Dear Evan Hansen,

I’m gonna ask Zoe to give this to you since I don’t know your address and me mailing something might make my parents flip out. They’re weird like that. Anyway, don’t worry about her reading it. She’s not gonna bother.

I should probably ask how you’re doing. It’s been like two weeks, right? How’s hell (highschool) going?

This is really fucking awkward.

I was going to write to you earlier, but interacting with people kinda takes a lot out of me and my therapist said I should wait until I was comfortable or some shit like that. Jesus, that’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever wrote.

You probably don’t care, but I was moved to a mental hospital for a week and a half after you visited me. I’m doing out-patient shit pretty much all day now so I’m not gonna be back at school for a while. I guess the people who notices will be happy the school psychopath isn’t there to terrorize them. You’re not gonna find that funny, are you?

So, I know this is gonna seem like it’s coming out of no where and you probably don’t want anything to do with me now that you know I’m alive and all, because honestly why would you? But do you think you could come by today? Sometime after five. You know where my house is.

Sincerely,
Me

Yeah. I’m not putting my name on this incase you throw it away or it falls out of Zoe’s bag or something like that. Then again, if some dick finds it I’m probably the only missing psycho at our school. Well. Whatever.

Evan didn’t know how to react. He read the letter a second time, still unable to understand what was going through Connor’s head when he wrote it. Connor wanted to talk to him. He wanted Evan to show up at his house. It didn’t make any sense.

Evan felt his hands start to shake.

He didn’t have to show up. Connor would probably understand if he didn’t. No, Connor would get the wrong idea. He’d think that Evan didn’t care if he was getting better or not. He’d think it was about him and who he was and not that Evan just couldn’t handle going out of his way to talk to anyone. He couldn’t do this today.

The note felt heavy in his pocket, but Evan tried to ignore it.

At five Evan decided that he wasn’t going to hide in his room and pretend that a boy who had almost died wasn’t waiting for him. He didn’t have to stay long. He just needed to show up for a little bit. After all, he’d told himself that he was going to help Connor. Stopping his death was different from saving his life, and Evan was fairly certain that he was the only one who understood that.

His mom was at work, and even if she wasn’t he couldn’t tell her about Connor reaching out to him. She would just worry about him. Or she wouldn’t. He couldn’t handle either possibility.

Jared picked up after two rings. He’d only dropped Evan off from school two hours ago. Evan didn’t know what Jared did on his free time, so he wasn’t sure what he was interrupting.

“Do you think you could drive me to the Murphy’s house?” Evan asked when he picked up.

“What?” The confusion felt reminiscent of the last time Evan had asked that question.

Evan told him about Zoe sitting next to him in class, and the letter, and how he didn’t know why Connor was reaching out to him but he couldn’t exactly shrug him off. Evan waited for Jared to ask him why he hadn’t brought this up before. The fact that Evan had tried to pretend none of it had happened proved too much how fragile his resolve was.

Instead Jared was quiet for a moment.

“Sure,” he said into the phone.

“Thank you,” Evan meant it. He wasn’t sure he could handle taking a bus right now.

“Whatever,” Jared’s tone didn’t quite reach dismissive. “You owe me.”

“Yeah,” Evan agreed. He’d make it up to him somehow.

It was only when they reached the Murphy’s street that Evan changed his mind. He wished he had taken the bus. It was wrong to ask Jared to come back here. He didn’t say anything, but Evan could read his discomfort in his face. Jared looked like he wanted to throw up.

When he pulled up in front of the house Evan jumped out of the car. The sooner the got out, the sooner Jared could leave and go back to pretending that none of the Connor stuff ever happened.

“When are you gonna leave?” Jared asked.

“My mom can pick me up,” Evan said quickly.

He could walk home. It wasn’t that far, and she wasn’t going to be home until late. Evan wasn’t terrible enough to ask Jared to come back here again. He could learn from this mistake.

“Okay,” Jared nodded. “See you tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” Evan practiced forcing his voice steady.

He watched Jared drive away, loud music escaping from the slightly cracked windows. Jared didn’t even like that station.

Evan stood on the doorstep a moment before knocking. His first time here he hadn’t had the chance to notice how nice the house was. The whole neighborhood oozed of wealth and success that no one Evan was close to had.

It was weird to mentally place Connor and Zoe here. Zoe had always seemed relaxed in a down to earth sort of way. Evan couldn’t imagine anyone doodling stars on jeans that cost a hundred dollars. Connor, on the other hand, was never relaxed but didn’t carry himself with the expectations that privilege afforded. Neither of them fit in the world they came from. Evan wondered if that was hard for them.

Connor’s mother answered the door. That was what Evan had been afraid of. He didn’t know if Connor had told his family that Evan was going to show up on their doorstep, and could feel a knot in his stomach in fear of having to explain a reason he didn’t have.

“Evan,” Mrs. Murphy’s voice was surprised, but there was a warmth in her eyes Evan wasn’t sure he was deserving of.

“Connor invited me over,” Evan stammered out.

“He’s in his room,” she beckoned him inside.

“Okay,” Evan nodded. “Thanks.”

“I’m so glad you’re here,” she pulled him into a hug that felt too real for her to give to someone she’d only seen twice before. “Do you want anything to eat or drink before you go up?”

“I’m fine,” Evan said sheepishly.

He realized that there was a chance she expected him to know where Connor’s room was. He didn’t know how to admit that he only knew where the bathroom was. Still failing at forcing calm through him, Evan shakily made his way up the staircase he had bolted before. When he reached the top, it was obvious which room belonged to Connor.

Evan coughed when he reached the door-less-doorway. Connor was sitting on his bed with a red book in his hands. The room around him was different than Evan would have imagined. It was a lot more empty that he expected, the only decor being dark red curtains and a handful of posters covering the walls. They posters were for books, not edgy hands like he supposed most people associated with Connor Murphy. Evan had read a few of the titles for classes and recognized most of the others.

Connor looked up from the book when Evan took a tentative step inside the room. Evan watched him dog-tail the page and close it. He pretended looking at the cover was infinitely more interesting than asking Connor why he was here or even attempting to walk further into the room.

“Hey,” Connor was looking at Evan’s shoes. “You can sit down if you want.”

Evan just nodded. He perched on the edge of the bed a foot away from Connor. He didn’t know how to break the silence. He didn’t know how to ask why Connor wanted him to come over in the first place. After what felt like a minute, he was certain Connor didn’t know what to say either.

“How are you feeling?” Evan let the question fall from his lips.

“Like shit,” Connor said dryly.

“Yeah,” Evan’s fingers pulled at the hem of his shirt. “That makes sense.”

For a second, Connor just looked at him. Evan could feel his nerves rising. That was probably the wrong thing to say. Now Connor was offended, and probably realizing that he didn’t want Evan here in the first place. He was going to kick Evan out, Evan had managed to ruin everything in only a minute of being in the same room as him, and now—

And now Connor was laughing like Evan had just made the best joke he ever heard. Evan didn’t understand, but it was sort of nice to see Connor throw his head back with a freeness Evan didn’t know he was capable of. For a second there was a light in his eyes. It almost eased Evan’s discomfort.

“I don’t get it,” he stated when Connor’s laughter died down.

“I know,” Connor shook his head, a wry smile on his face. “How’s school without me slamming my locker while you’re trying to eat?”

“I, um,” Evan felt the need to sink into himself, but Connor looked significantly more content than he had when Evan arrived. He wasn’t going to jeopardize that. “I don’t like to be in the cafeteria.”

“Right,” Connor nodded.

“It’s loud and crowded,” Evan tried to explain. “And, well, you know I have no friends so, there’s that too.”

“I would eat lunch in my car,” Connor told him. “It’s not a big deal.”

“Right,” Evan mumbled.

“I mean, it’s not my car anymore,” Connor’s smile fell. “But whatever.”

“I can’t drive,” Evan blurted.

“What?” Connor’s eyebrows creased with bemusement.

Well, if Evan was going to try to make Connor feel better at his own expense he might as well go full throttle.

“I, um,” Evan started. “I tried to learn once, but I was only behind the wheel for like a minute before I crashed into our neighbors fence and knocked it over.”

“Really?” Connor asked.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. “And then my mom panicked so we parked the car back and pretended that we were in the house the whole time.”

“That’s a dick move, Connor pointed out.

“They’re not very nice neighbors either,” Evan pipped up.

Connor chuckled.

“Do you, um,” Evan cleared his throat. He needed to be able to talk right now without Connor thinking he was just a stammering mess all the time. “Do you know when you’re gonna be back in school?”

“No,” Connor said numbly.

They were both silent for a moment. It wasn’t as uncomfortable as before, but Evan still wished he hadn’t accidentally brought them back to earth.

“I can’t say thank you,” Connor’s voice was so much softer than it had been a second ago. “I don’t think I’m gonna be able to for a while.”

Evan didn’t know what to say.

“It’s not that I’m not grateful,” Connor continued. “I just can’t be completely sure that what you did was for the best.”

“I understand,” Evan murmured, because he knew Connor didn’t want him to try to convince him that his life was worth living.

“I know,” Connor sighed. “But there’s a lot of shit that you’re not gonna be able to. Which is fine, since it has nothing to do with you. I just—I wasn’t in that bathroom on a whim. It wasn’t something I just on the spot decided that day.”

“I know,” Evan said as firmly as he could.

“That doesn’t mean I’m gonna try again as soon as backs are turned,” Connor added.

Evan nodded, trying not to show his relief at that.

“But, I, um,” Connor winced. “I know you didn’t have to do that. I didn’t really think that anyone would have done that for me. So, for what’s it’s worth, that does mean something, Hansen.”

“I hope you feel better soon,” Evan voiced.

“Yeah, me too,” Connor stated. “So, what am I missing in hell?”

They spent an hour talking about how much they didn’t like high school—or, for Connor, just their peers in general. Neither of them noticed when Connor’s mother appeared in the doorway until she lightly nocked on the doorframe and asked it Evan was going to be staying for dinner.

“He has plans with this family,” Connor said before Evan could answer.

“Well, you’re welcome here anytime,” she said to Evan.

“Thanks,” he uttered.

“You don’t want to have dinner here,” Connor assured him once his mother left. “It gets really bad really fast.”

“Oh,” Evan nodded.

“You should probably get going soon, though,” Connor said. “She’ll rope you into eating if you don’t.”

“Okay,” Evan knew that if he was going to try to take the bus it was better than he leave before the sun went down anyway.

“Seen you around, Hansen,” Connor’s voice almost reached casual.

“It was nice talking to you,” Evan said to him.

The bus took longer than Evan expected it to. He wasn’t sure by how much his mom beat him back to the house. She didn’t look too concerned when he walked into the living room. There was a text book in front of her. She never really took a break.

“Where were you?” She asked, her probably not as accusingly as Evan heard it.

“At Jared’s,” he lied.

“How’s he doing?” She wondered.

“Good,” Evan stated.

“That’s great,” she smiled at him. “I’m glad you two are still friends.”

“Yeah,” Evan mumbled.

He wasn’t going to tell her that he was trying to befriend the boy who had almost died. She didn’t need to worry about that, and it wasn’t like she could tell when he was lying anymore. She didn’t know him well enough for that. No one did.

Chapter Text

School started in ten minutes and Evan was sitting at his kitchen table, his phone displaying the string of unanswered texts he’d sent to Jared five minutes ago. Even if Jared showed up that second, they were still going to be late. In the back of Evan’s mind he wondered if Jared had ditched him on purpose.

“I’m sorry, I don’t have time,” his mom told him when she came into the kitchen to throw her lunch into her bag and rush to work. “I’ll call the school and tell them to give you a late pass.”

Evan wasn’t going to tell her that a tardy strike on his record wasn’t the problem. They’d had this conversation before, and she already looked stressed. All he’d be doing was making himself more of a burden.

“Okay,” he said out loud.

By the time Evan walked through his school’s gates his first class was halfway over. Part of him wanted to wait outside so he wouldn't have to walk into class in the middle of the lesson, but if he did he’d miss any work that was assigned. He didn’t know anyone in that class so it wasn’t like he could ask someone for help.

Late pass nearly crumpled in his hand, he pushed the door open. This was why he hated being late.

He didn’t know if the teacher was in the middle of saying something right when he walked in, because he couldn’t hear anything beyond the ringing in his ears, but it still felt like he was interrupting. He didn’t know if everyone was staring at him with unamused judgement, because he didn’t try to focus on anything other than the sound ahead of him but it still felt like eyes were on him. He didn’t know if anyone even cared that his hands were sweaty, and he was breathing too hard, and he wished he was anywhere but there, but it felt like they were all laughing at him.

Staying outside would have been a better idea. Evan barely wrote down the homework assignment he knew he wouldn’t be able to do.

“Evan, hold on for a second!” A cheery voice called out to him as he was doing his best to get to his next class without freaking out again. He hated how it felt like spiraling like this was getting more and more frequent.

Evan turned to see Alana Beck walking towards him. He knew Alana. Everyone knew Alana. She was one of the few people in there school who talked to absolutely everyone. Evan was pretty sure he’d even seen her talking to Connor at one point.

“Hi, Alana,” Evan didn’t know why she was talking to him now. They’d had a short conversation on the first day of school, so Evan didn’t exactly expect her to half heartedly reach out to him for a while. Alana liked to talk a little bit to everyone.

“How’s Connor doing?” She asked, smile pressed to her face.

“What?” Evan stammered. “I, um, I don’t know?”

Spare Connor pushing him on the first day, the only times Evan had ever interacted with him were far away from school and anyone connected to it. Alana should be asking Zoe this not him.

“I don’t know Connor,” he sputtered. “I mean, not well or anything.”

He was floundering. Even Alana could probably recognize that. Then again, Evan had always had a feeling she was even worse at distinguishing social cues than he was. Maybe she’d accept his rambling as true and walk away.

“Come on, that’s nonsense,” Alana told him. “Everyone knows you guys are friends.”

“I,” Evan blinked at her. “What does that mean?”

“Half the school is talking about how you saved his life,” she told him brightly. “That was so brave of you. I would have been so terrified in your shoes. Thank God you were there,”

“I have to go,” his voice was louder than he meant it to be. “To class, I mean. I have to go to class.”

“Right,” Alana nodded. “I do too. But tell Connor we all hope he feels better soon, okay?”

“Yeah,” Evan stuttered. “Yeah, I will.”

Evan wished he could imagine Connor laughing that comment off. Maybe if the circumstances were different that would be his reaction. Maybe if half there school didn’t now know that he’d tried to take his own life, he would have found Alana’s overly presentable concern funny.

Half the school knew. Soon it would be everyone. Every single person that Connor despised now knew his secret. Everyone Connor hated for judging and mocking him now had access to the most private and vulnerable part of him.

He was going to kill Evan.

After three years of hiding breakdowns, Evan knew which bathrooms were usually left undisturbed by his peers. It was only when he was alone in the bathroom stall with the freedom to breath as loud and desperately as he had to that Evan tried to make sense of what had happened.

By now someone had probably told Zoe. She would tell Connor. They’d both blame Evan, they’d think that he went around telling people he saved Connor. The thin veil of trust Evan had somehow been able to gain would shatter. Connor would hate him.

Shakily Evan fished his phone out of his pocket. Jared still hadn’t answered his texts from that morning. Evan pressed the call button and held the device to his ear.

“Hey,” Jared sounded only a little bit guilty. “I’m sick today, I thought I told you. I guess my text didn’t send. Sorry, dude.”

“Did you tell people about Connor?” Evan’s voice was close to demanding. He guessed that was better than shaky.

“What?” Jared asked.

“Apparently half the school knows,” Evan said into the phone. “And I didn’t tell anyone, and I really don’t think Zoe did, so it had to be you, right?”

“Listen,” Jared sighed. “Before you get mad—”

“I already am mad,” Evan informed him. “That was private, people weren’t supposed to—”

“Can you shut up for like one fucking second?” Jared’s words cut through him. “I only told a few people, I didn’t think they were gonna spread it.”

“Jared—”

“But isn’t this better than everyone thinking he’s dangerous?” Jared asked. “At least now they’ll shut up about that shit.”

“I don’t think so,” Evan said numbly.

“I didn’t mean to say anything,” Jared sighed again. “It just kinda came out and—”

“And you wanted attention, right?” Evan asked. “Because you knew and no one else did.”

“Fuck you,” Jared spat.

Evan dropped the phone onto the bathroom floor. Jared hung up a second later. Evan tried to breath, to clear his head, but he couldn’t stop his brain from conjuring images of his peers talking about Connor. He imagined the hell they’d subject Connor to when he finally came back to school. He knew how hard the next few months were already going to be for Connor. He knew how hard every waking second already was for Connor.

This was just going to make everything worse and there wasn’t anything Evan could do about it.

Evan took the bus to Connor’s house at five. He arrived a little later than he had the first time, and far less collected. He wasn’t really sure with his eyes had stopped being red a splotchy from earlier that day, but didn’t risk looking in a mirror. If it was true it would just give him an excuse not to show up. He needed to talk to Connor before he heard it from someone else. Even if he had, at least Evan could make sure he was okay. As if that would do anything.

This time Zoe answered the door. Evan felt himself freeze up. He actually could feel himself stop working the second he saw her.

“Hi,” her eyes didn’t meet his.

“I’m here for Connor,” Evan blurted then winced. “I’m here to see Connor.”

“Yeah,” Zoe nodded. She stepped away from the door. “He’s in the kitchen.”

“Okay,” Evan hesitantly stepped into the house.

“It’s that way,” she pointed to the left before disappearing up the stairs.

“Thanks,” Evan uttered even though she wasn’t listening.

The kitchen wasn’t hard to find, being the only room in the direction that Zoe had sent him. Connor looked surprised to see Evan, but didn’t voice that. Instead he dryly stated that he was allowed to cook as long as he didn’t purposely burn the house down.

“That’s still gonna happen anyway,” Connor commented after having successfully overcooked his grilled cheese sandwich. “It just won’t be on purpose.”

“I’m bad at cooking too,” Evan told him.

“I’m not embarrassed,” Connor said blankly. “Are you hungry?”

“Not really.” Evan hadn’t eaten lunch. He wasn’t sure he was capable of stomaching anything.

“You want half?” Connor offered.

“That’s okay,” Evan tried to bush off. Connor cut the sandwich in half and handed Evan a plate anyway. Evan didn’t try to give it back.

He followed Connor to his room. Connor seemed lighter today. Evan wondered if it was because him and Zoe were the only ones home. The door with a wooden sign displaying Zoe’s name was closed. Evan didn’t ask if the two of them usually spent their free time locked in their own private corners in a large empty house.

Connor flopped on his bed. Evan sat down on the edge again. There was a reasonable sized desk with what looked like a comfortable chair on the other side on the room, but it didn’t look like Connor used that much. For some reason, Evan couldn’t picture Connor sitting at a desk with homework or a TV show on a computer in front of him.

“I need to talk to you,” Evan started, because if he didn’t get everything out now he wasn’t sure he was going to be able to.

“Yeah, I figured,” Connor shrugged. “What is it? Your parents don’t think it’s a good idea for you to hang out with the suicidal kid?”

“What?” Evan blinked at him. “No, nothing like that.”

“Right,” Connor took a bite of his sandwich. “So, what then?”

“I’m sorry,” Evan tried to make his voice as level as he could. This wasn’t his fault. If he could have stopped this he would have. He should have. Connor was going to hate him. “I didn’t think it was gonna happen—I should have thought—I had no way of thinking—Connor, I’m so sorry.”

“Slow down,” Connor’s voice cut through his rambling. “I got like every other word of that and those didn’t make sense. What are you talking about?”

Evan swallowed. Connor was looking at him expectantly. This was all his fault.

“Jared told people at school about—” Evan winced. “About me finding you. I don’t think he told that many, but it got around really fast, and now—”

“And how the fuck did Jared Kleinman know in the first place?” Connor asked darkly.

“He help me,” Evan stammered. “He was the one who drove me here and called 911 when I was trying to keep you awake. They didn’t tell you?”

“No,” Connor looked numb.

“I’m sorry,” Evan said again.

“You didn’t do anything,” he stated.

“I know,” Evan did, somewhere he knew this wasn’t because he’d made a mistake. “I’m still sorry.”

“Do you know how many people?” Connor asked.

“No,” Evan told him. “Alana was the one who told me, she just implied that people were talking.”

“Right,” Connor said shakily.

“It’s okay to be mad,” Evan told him softly.

“Not when your me,” Connor scoffed. “I just—I don’t know, I thought people would just assume I was sent to rehab or juvy or just not fucking notice since none of them give a shit what happens to me anyway.”

“I do,” Evan uttered.

Connor looked at him for a second. What was barely a smile but better than nothing tugged at the edge of his lips.

“Are you only here to tell me that?” He asked.

“Should I be here for anything else?” Evan asked back, because he didn’t want to overstay his welcome and Connor looked exhausted. It was like that one conversation had sucked all energy out of him.

“When do you have to be home?” Connor didn’t answer Evan’s question.

“Not until seven,” Evan said honestly. “But if you want me to go I’m not offended or—”

“No, I don’t want you to,” Connor told him. “Do you wanna watch a movie or something? I can bug my sister for her computer. She never uses it.”

“Sure,” Evan nodded.

Connor left the room to do so. When he came back Evan didn’t ask if his computer had been taken away because of the first day or school or because of something before that. It wasn’t his business, and he wasn’t going to push Connor to think about anything that might agitate him.

Instead they spent the next hour and a half making fun of a super hero movie. Connor even laughed at some of the jokes. For a little bit, Evan could see a light in his eyes. It didn’t last very long, but Evan knew it had been there and that had to count for something. It was a little weird how normal joking with Connor Murphy felt. Evan wasn’t sure if Connor thought that too—he wasn’t sure if he could see years of not talking to each other in the second of laughing together.

Evan decided to leave. He needed to get home before his mom this time. Spending the day at Jared’s didn’t work as an excuse if Jared had been sick all day. Evan knew that his mom only talked to Jared’s sometimes, but it really wasn’t worth the risk.

“Hey Evan,” Zoe’s voice halted him from opening the front door.

“Yeah?” He turned around to face the girl he secretly harbored a very embarrassing crush on.

It didn’t feel right to think about that now that he was friends with Connor. Was he friends with Connor? Was that what this was?

“Do you need a ride to school?” She asked. “I’m driving Connor’s car now. I don’t mind making an extra stop.”

“Oh, no that’s okay,” Evan stammered. “Thanks, though. That’s nice of you to offer.”

“Weren’t you late today?” Zoe asked. Evan didn’t think that she of all people would have noticed that.

“Yeah,” he admitted sheepishly.

“Do you wanna not be late tomorrow?” She asked with a small but very real smirk.

“Yeah,” he decided. “Sure, that would be great.”

“Cool,” she smiled at him. “Here give me your phone, you can text me your address later.”

“Okay,” Evan nodded. He let her plug her contact in, promising to text her once he got home. As he walked, he tried not to think about how long he’d been waiting to talk to that girl and how little he felt now that it was finally happening.

A few minutes after reaching his house he received a text from Jared saying that he was going to be in school the next day. Evan replied that he already had a ride, sent Zoe his address, and turned his phone off for the rest of the night.

Chapter Text

Zoe pulled up in front of Evan’s house five minutes before Jared would have. It sort of made sense that she was the type of person who arrived to school early. The difference between her and Evan was that he doubted she spent the morning waiting to go into her first classroom. Zoe probably had friends she talked to during the twenty minutes before the warning bell rang.

“Morning,” Evan said when he opened the door to the passenger seat.

“Hey,” Zoe smiled at him.

Evan had seen Zoe’s smile before. It was one of the first things he’d noticed about her. There was something private about it, like she was letting the few people who got the chance to see it in on a joke. Zoe’s smile was bright, bright enough to make people forget that she was Connor Murphy’s sister, that her life wasn’t as easy as the people around her assumed it had to be. That wasn’t the smile he was seeing right now.

“So, um, how are you?” Evan tried not to flinch at the words left his lips. He knew perfectly well how not great Zoe had to be, just asking that felt insensitive.

“Fine,” she didn’t sound as stiff as she could have. “You have a cute house, by the way.”

“Oh,” Evan glanced out the window as they pulled away. “Thanks. We’ve lived there since I was born.”

“That’s nice,” Zoe stated.

This was awkward. Evan didn’t understand why he was sitting in this car. He didn’t get why Zoe wanted to be in a ten foot radius of him. It didn’t make sense. But dwelling on that wasn’t going to make the silence any less uncomfortable.

“You’re in jazz band, right?” Evan asked even though he already knew the answer.

“Yeah,” Zoe looked a little bit surprised. “How’d you know that?”

“I went to the May concert,” Evan wasn’t exactly lying. He wasn’t going to say out loud that he’d only gone to the concert because he knew Zoe was playing it in. That was creepy. She didn’t need to deal with him being weird when she was just trying to be nice.

“Really?” She looked surprised.

“Yeah, it was really good,” he babbled. “I really like your playing. You have a lot of heart. That’s stupid, isn’t it? Sorry, I’m not good at talking.”

“You’re not good at talking?” Zoe gave him and odd look, as if she was still deciding whether or not she wanted to laugh at that.

“Not really,” Evan stated. “No, I’m not.”

“Is it that hard?” She asked.

“Kinda, yeah,” he stammered. “Because I have to make sure actual words are coming out, and then that the words aren’t annoying you, or just don’t make sense, and that I’m not talking too much, because no body likes it when one person talks a lot and the other doesn’t a all, because that’s, you know, rude.”

“Wow,” Zoe uttered.

“Sorry,” Evan wanted to sink into the seat he wasn’t leaning on.

“I was just surprised that you went to the concert,” Zoe told him. “Because none of the other students really show up.”

“Oh?” Evan hummed.

“Yeah, it kinda sucks,” she continued. “Because we put all these hours of work into making our performances perfect, so it’s kinda disheartening when only our parents come to see it.”

“That does suck,” Evan agreed.

“I don’t think you’re that bad at talking,” she informed him. “You’re a lot better than some people I know.”

“Thanks,” he meant this.

“No problem,” she smiled at him again.

It still wasn’t her smile, but it felt a bit more real.

When Zoe pulled the car into one of their school’s reserved parking stalls Evan didn’t comment that it was supposed to be for seniors only. Seeing the car there made it look a little bit like Connor was still spending his days in the school and not in a hospital trying to heal. He wondered if that was why Zoe parked there, to make this all feel a little bit more normal. Maybe he was reading too much into it.

“Are you gonna visit my brother after school?” Zoe suddenly asked him as she hopped out of the car.

Evan honestly wasn’t planning to. Connor hadn’t asked him too, and he didn’t have a reason to just show up this time. He wasn’t sure that Connor wanted him to be there randomly. But when Zoe asked there was the hope in her eyes. Evan hadn’t seen that from her the whole car ride—he hadn’t seen in since she was onstage at the jazz concert.

“Yeah,” he told her. “If that’s okay.”

“It probably is,” she shrugged. “I have practice until four. If you don’t mind hanging around, I can give you a ride.”

“Okay,” he nodded. “Thanks.”

“I’ll see you then,” she put her hands in her pockets.

“Yeah,” he nodded.

As they went there separate ways, Evan couldn’t help feeling like he had something to look forward too. Sure, Zoe was probably only putting up with him because of Connor and Evan still didn’t really know if Connor wanted him around or not, but, if he squinted, it almost felt like he had friends. He kinda liked that.

At the end of the day Evan waited outside of the school, near where Zoe had parked Connor’s car. He usually left school as soon as it was over, even on days where he had therapy a few hours after. It was easier to wait outside of his therapist’s office for a longer period of time than try to weave around his peers who hung out on the school’s campus hours after classes were over. Evan never understood the enjoyment they found in that, but passing time wasn’t worth getting in anyone’s way.

Now he had the added layer of avoiding anyone who wanted to talk to him about Connor. The whole day Evan had to dodge students who he barely had any reocnizatron of and he doubted Connor knew offering sympathy that poorly masked there curiosity. It wasn’t like people had understood Connor to begin with. Evan didn’t think Connor would appreciate that they were only making the effort now.

It was probably worse for Zoe. People had only just found out Evan’s connection to Connor, but everyone knew she was his sister. Everyone had some idea of how hard it must be for her, and Evan doubted that constant attention was what she wanted.

“Hey,” Zoe greeted him brightly once she was ready to leave the school.

She was better at masking emotion that her brother. Evan had witnessed Connor go off the rails, but he couldn’t imagine any of that from Zoe. They reacted in opposites. Connor lashed out, while Zoe retreated in. If people at school bothered her about her brother, Evan could easily picture her just walking away. Connor wouldn’t be that quiet about it.

“Did you start on that essay for English?” Evan asked as Zoe pulled out of the school. It didn’t feel right to sit in silence, not when his thoughts wouldn’t be quiet.

“God, no,” Zoe groaned. “Not yet.”

“I’m super stressed about it,” Evan lied. He recognized that he probably should be stressed. Not just about one assignment but about everything.

“I don’t know why I’m in this class,” Zoe informed him. “I’m supposed to be in a junior only English class.”

“Maybe you’re just really good at it,” Evan suggested.

“I’m not,” she told him.

“Maybe you’re so good you don’t recognize it,” he countered.

“You’re nice,” she stated. “Why are you friends with my brother?”

The question didn’t feel like it was coming out of no where. Somehow, Evan knew that Zoe had been wanting to ask it all day, it had just taken this long for her to put it to words. That didn’t mean that Evan was ready for it. It didn’t mean he knew what to say in response.

“What do you mean?” He stammered back.

“Look, don’t take this the wrong way,” her mouth formed a line. “But Connor’s not nice. To anyone really.”

Evan couldn’t argue with this. At the end of the day, he didn’t really know Connor, and certainly not the the extent that Zoe did. Before all of this happened, the only interaction the two of them had was when Connor shoved him for laughing at Jared’s joke.

“I just don’t understand,” Zoe said.

“Neither do I,” Evan spoke before the words were in order. “But I think he needs someone, and I get what that’s like.”

Zoe nodded. Evan couldn’t read her expression. He guessed that was part of her being the closed off one. She didn’t let people see what she was thinking.

“I don’t know what he says about me,” she started again. “But, I’m glad you were there that day.”

“I am too,” Evan stated.

It was half an hour past four when they arrived at the Murphy’s house. Zoe told him Connor wouldn’t be home until five, and Evan could wait where ever he wanted. There parents weren’t there again. Evan didn’t ask why.

He waited in Connor’s room. It felt intrusive to take space anywhere else in the house. Evan could also admit that he felt more comfortable looking at Connor’s posters than the grandeur of the other rooms. Connor’s room held the simplicity that Connor’s life lacked. Evan wondered if that bothered him.

Evan heard the front door slam when Connor got home. Without the door, Evan figured Connor could hear pretty much everything that went on in the rest of the house. That didn’t sound pleasant to him.

“Is this gonna become a regular thing?” Connor didn’t look all that surprised to find Evan sitting on his bed. Evan hoped that was a good sign.

“I can leave if you wanna be alone,” Evan offered. He didn’t want to annoy Connor. “It’s just, Zoe offered to drive me, and I didn’t know if maybe you wanted to hang out or something—that’s stupid, I’m bothering you—sorry, I can just—”

“Slow down,” Connor sat next to him. “You talk like a mile a minute, you know that?”

“Jared says it sounds like I’m hyperventilating,” Evan admitted in a small voice.

“Yeah, well, Jared’s a dick,” Connor said bluntly.

“Yeah,” Evan swallowed.

“I don’t hate you being here,” Connor told him. “But if you’re just showing up because you feel obligated or something—”

“That’s not it,” Evan cut him off. “I don’t hate me being here either.”

“Okay,” Connor nodded. “Why were you talking to my sister in the first place?”

“She gave me a ride to school,” Evan thought that Zoe would have told Connor that. He thought that the whole reason she’d offered was more for Connor than Evan in the first place.

“Oh,” Connor stiffened. Evan knew that he wasn’t supposed to notice—that Connor was being very careful about regulating how much he was showing. That didn’t mean he was perfect at it, or that Evan didn’t know exactly the mind set it took to get to that. “I didn’t know you guys knew each other.”

“We don’t,” Evan said too quickly. “I mean we kinda do? I know her sorta but she doesn’t really know me and— That sounds weird, doesn’t it? I’m sorry! It’s not weird. I go to the jazz band concerts, so I knew who she was before this.”

“Hansen,” Connor wasn’t glaring, but he didn’t look happy. “Do you have a thing for my sister?”

“No,” Evan sputtered. Connor didn’t believe him. Evan could see that.

“Right,” Connor scoffed.

“It’s not like that,” Evan tried.

“Because after fucking reading my journal and invading my life you don’t owe any answers, Hansen.” Connor was gonna start shouting. He was very near shouting.

“Connor—”

“Fuck you!”

Evan wanted to say something. He wanted to try to explain years of a silly crush that didn’t actually feel real anymore. He wanted to ask Connor why this was making him so angry in the first place.

But Evan couldn’t handle confrontation and he certainly didn’t know how to deal with aggression. Every fiber of him was screaming to get out of that room. Evan didn’t have the strength to fight that.

Connor didn’t yell when he bolted. Evan guessed he should be thankful for that.

When he got outside, he was still shaking. Getting on a bus wasn’t happening. Forming a coherent thought wasn’t happening.

He called Jared. It went straight to voicemail. That figured. Jared didn’t want him around. Neither did Connor, or Zoe. Evan just pushed his way into everyone’s lives. It had really only been a matter of time before they were fed up with it.

Chapter Text

Evan didn’t expect Zoe to turn up outside of this house the next day. He planned to take the bus. He wasn’t sure how long him and Jared weren’t talking to each other. He wasn’t sure if they were fighting or not. They hadn’t exactly disagreed before. In the past when Evan had a problem with something Jared did or said he hadn’t voiced it before, and he hadn’t shrugged him off before either.

He wasn’t sure if Jared expected an apology or if they were just going to decide everything was fine. He wasn’t sure either felt right.

Zoe parked in front of his driveway at morning. She had an impatient look on her face. Evan half expected her to start honking at him.

“You don’t have to do this,” he said when she rolled down her window.

“Just get in the car,” she didn’t sound irritated. “We’re running late.”

Evan didn’t argue.

“Did you tell Connor you were doing this?” He asked her.

“No,” she answered. “My parents don’t know either, if you’re hoping to avoid drama or something.”

“No, it’s not—”

“I don’t know what the fight was about,” Zoe cut him off. “And, yeah, I could hear him shouting. I usually can.”

“I’m sorry,” Evan meant this.

“Don’t be,” she sighed. “I honestly don’t care if you guys are fighting. And I’m not gonna pressure you to forgive him.”

“It was my fault,” Evan blurted.

“Sure,” she gave him a knowing look. “Listen, I’m not gonna stop being nice to you if you’re not Connor’s friend anymore.”

“I am,” Evan said anyway. “I think. I mean, I want to be. I just don’t know where I left things.”

“Well, I need a reason to not be around my friends before school starts,” she declared. “I figured that driving the boy who saved my brother’s life was a good one.”
“I didn’t tell anyone,” he said before he could stop himself. “About Connor trying to—”

“I know,” she cut him off again. “I mean, I didn’t know, but I didn’t think you did.”

“Okay,” he nodded. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she gave him an odd look. “By the way, there’s a letter in the glove compartment. Connor wanted me to get it to you at some point today.”

“Oh,” Evan opened the compartment to find a sealed envelope.

“He thought I might try to read it,” she added.

Evan wasn’t sure he believed that after what Connor had said in the first letter but nodded anyway.

“I’ll read it at school,” he tucked it into his bag.

“I’ll tell him you said that,” she hummed. “Hey, about you and Connor—you know what, never mind. It’s none of my business.”

“No, what?” He asked.

“You guys aren’t,” she pursed her lips. “You know…”

“I don’t,” he stammered. “Know, I mean. I don’t know what you’re inferring.”

“Oh,” she started laughing. “I guess that’s enough of an answer.”

“No, that’s not fair,” he chirped. “What are you asking?”

“Nothing,” she was laughing now. Evan liked hearing her laugh, even if it was at his expense.

Evan only took the letter out again at lunch when he was alone by Connor’s locker. He was ready for it to be full of the things Connor hadn’t had the chance to shout at him the day before. Evan had messed up. He’d messed up by letting Connor know that he liked his sister, and messed up even worse by running out. He’d read Connor’s insults now. He deserved that much.

He broke the seal of the envelope and pulled out the slightly wrinkled lined paper.

Dear Evan Hansen,

I shouldn’t have lashed out at you. I don’t care if you like Zoe. Actually, I kinda get it. And you’re a good person so I’m not worried about you being weird about it or anything.

I don’t care that you read my journal either. Okay, that’s a fucking lie. I do care. But I can get over it. I just couldn’t yesterday.

I’m trying to get better at the whole self control shit. I seriously am trying, but if I’m being completely honest (and what’s the point in lying to you after all the shit you’ve already seen) I’ve been trying for years and it never fucking works. Sometimes I can hold onto it for a little bit. Like, I can repress the anger and bad shit, but then it just gets misdirected at something that usually doesn’t have anything to do with why I’m upset.

I realized that this is the second time I let you be the target of that. Whether or not you believe me, I’m sorry. I really fucking am, and not just because you’re the first person outside my family who’s willingly spent time with me in years. Damn, that sounds so fucking pathetic.

You don’t have to, and I get it if you don’t want to because you already know how much of an asshole I am, but do you think you could come over again? My mother thinks that I have a friend for once in my stupid life. I think it’s the only thing that’s stopping her from seeing what I wreck I am right now. She can’t take that. She’s not as strong as Zoe or my father.

I hope you read this.

Sincerely,
Me

Evan put the letter in his pocket. He decided to ask Zoe if he could catch a ride with her at the end of the school day. He at least needed to make it clear to Connor that he only read one entry of his journal. He could forgive Connor for shouting if Connor could put that behind him.

Evan wouldn’t tell Connor that he liked the feeling of sort of having a friend. Connor wasn’t like the other people Evan was around. He had the honesty of someone who didn’t have anything left to loose, and Evan liked being around that. Oddly, it was easier to be around him that Zoe. Evan still second guessed everything he said, but Connor seemed to care a lot less about the stammering or way he said things. Evan liked that.

He also had a feeling it was harder for Connor to write the word “sorry” than it would have been for most people. It was difficult not to take that to heart.

After the last period ended, Evan rushed out the classroom and headed to Zoe’s locker. He didn’t know if she had jazz practice everyday after school or just the day before, and if she was leaving now he needed to tell her he was coming with her. She thought he and Connor were in a fight, so Evan doubted she’d think to wait for him. Evan wasn’t sure if fighting had ever been the right word, especially after the letter.

“Hey, where have you been all week?” Jared’s voice stopped Evan. Jared’s hands were in his pockets, he looked almost casual.

“Around,” Evan stated because he’d tried to call Jared more than once in the past couple days. If Jared had decided that they weren’t going to mention that then he wouldn’t. They weren’t that different than they had been before the first day of school.

“Right,” Jared rolled his eyes. “So my parents are out of town again.”

“Yeah?” Evan knew Jared’s parents did this a lot. When they were younger business trips was still a believable enough excuse, but when it fell flat Jared got his revenge on raiding their liquor cabinet and attempting to party in their absence.

“You wanna play video games or something?” Jared asked. “I have the whole house to myself all weekend.”

“That’s great,” Evan glanced over Jared should to the rest of the hallway. He could see Zoe’s locker from here.

“Are you even listening to me?” Jared crossed his arms.

“Sorry,” Evan winced. “I can’t today.”

“Why?” Jared asked outright.

Evan saw Zoe appear from a classroom, she stopped to put a book in her locker.

“I have to go,” Evan told Jared.

“Go where?” Jared’s question didn’t get answered.

“Zoe!” Evan nearly shouted as he wove his was through the hallway to her.

“Hey, Evan,” she smiled at him. There was something behind that smile. It reminded him of the look she’d given him the other day when she asked if he was going to see Connor after school.

“Could I get a ride to your house?” He asked.

“Sure,” she nodded. “You’re gonna have to wait a couple hours for him to get home.”

“I don’t mind,” he admitted. It was better than walking or taking the bus.

“Okay,” she grinned. “I’m leaving now.”

“I’ll follow you,” he said.

This time Connor did look surprised to find Evan waiting in his room. Evan had spent the past two hours doing homework on Connor’s bed. In the back of his mind he recognized how he’d never really felt comfortable making himself at home in someone else’s house especially if he was left alone there, but it didn’t bother him so much in Connor’s room.

“I thought we could talk,” Evan broke the silence as Connor just stood the the doorway.

“Yeah,” Connor nodded. He dropped his messenger bag near the desk and sat next to Evan.

“I read your letter,” Evan stated.

“Okay,” Connor murmured.

“I know this doesn’t make it any better,” Evan took a breath. “But I swear only read one entry aside from the last one.”

Connor winced but nodded again.

“I don’t know any of your secrets, okay?” Evan said in a softer tone.

“Don’t worry, there’s not a lot of them,” Connor said almost lightly. “Which one did you read?”

“You were talking about how much you hated high school,” Evan tried to remember some of the words.

“That’s kinda all of them,” Connor said dryly.

“There wasn’t anything overly personal,” Evan told him.

“Okay,” Connor let out an loud exhale. “Thanks for coming.”

“You asked me to,” Evan reminded him.

“Yeah, but you didn’t have to show up,” Connor pressed.

“I told you I didn’t hate being here,” Evan added.

“Yeah,” a small smile formed on Connor’s face. “What do we do now?”

“I don’t know,” Evan shrugged. “I don’t have friends either, remember.”

“Right,” Connor hummed. “How was your day?”

“So we’re doing small talk then?” Evan asked with only a hint of a smirk.

“Shut up,” Connor groaned. “I don’t know what to talk about.”

“It was okay,” Evan stated. “My day I mean.”

“That’s good,” Connor stated. “Are people bothering you about me?”

“What?” Evan asked.

“You said that you knew they were talking about,” Connor looked at his feet. “You know. Does that mean they’re bugging you about it?”

Evan hadn’t meant to talk to Connor about this. He figured Connor had enough he had to deal with on his own, he shouldn’t have to hear about what people were saying about him in a school he didn’t have to go to right now. He didn’t have to worry about people talking to Evan about him.

“Not really,” Evan tried to brush off. “A handful of people said that they were sorry for—I don’t know, just everything?”

Connor scoffed.

“It’s mainly just uncomfortable, but I don’t think anyone is saying anything bad,” he quickly assured him.

“Not yet,” Connor said darkly. “They’re forgetting the kid who almost died is the same one they said was better off dead. They don’t care, they just don’t want to look like assholes.”

“Fuck them,” Evan wasn’t really sure where the words came from.

“You don’t swear a lot, do you?” Connor asked him.

“Not really,” Evan admitted. “Kinda not ever. I mean my mom does. Sometimes. And Jared does a lot, but I don’t really—”

“Stop,” Connor started laughing. “I was impressed, you’re messing it up.”

“Oh,” Evan felt a smile grow on his face too. “Don’t worry about the people at school. They’ll find something else to fixate over soon.”

“I know,” Connor sighed. “I just thought they’d finally fucking leave me alone.”

“I’ll tell them to shut up,” Evan decided. “I’ll yell at them.”

“Right,” Connor scoffed but it sounded more humored that before. “I’m sure you will.”

“I’m sorry people were mean to you,” Evan felt the need to utter. If they had been friends Evan liked to think he would have stood up for Connor, but part of him knew he wouldn’t know how or he’d be too scared.

“They weren’t to you?” Connor asked.

“Sometimes,” Evan shrugged. “Not a lot. Mostly people just ignored me.”

“That sucks,” Connor told him.

“I guess,” Evan wasn’t here to feel sorry about himself. “Do you wanna watch a movie or something?”

“Sure,” Connor smiled. “I’ll steal Zoe’s computer.”

“Okay,” Evan nodded.

It felt like they really were friends and not just too loners tied together by situation. Evan could get used to this feeling. He could get used to riding in the car with Zoe, and watching movies with Connor, and not feeling like everything he said was wrong.

Chapter Text

When Evan got home that night, he didn’t expect to find his mom in the kitchen waiting for him. Her shift wasn’t supposed to end for another hour, that was why Evan had let himself stay at the Murphy’s long enough to finish the movie with Connor. He hadn’t really wanted to leave. It was nice there, Connor was weirdly calm and actually seemed to be enjoying himself.

Evan only left when Zoe told Connor their parents wanted to start eating dinner. The invitation for Evan to stay was once again offered, but both siblings advised him not to take it. Evan figured if the two of them were able to agree on something, he would trust their judgement.

“It’s late,” his mom let him know. She didn’t sound upset.

“Jared wanted to play video games,” Evan lied. “His parents aren’t home, so we kinda loss track of time.”

“It’s a weekend night,” she shrugged. “Make sure you’re safe getting home.”

“I am,” he assured her. “I thought your shift didn’t end for another hour.”

“I took the night off,” she gave him a weak smile. “I thought maybe we could talk about what happened on the first day of school.”

“Oh,” Evan sank into the chair across from her. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Honey,” she pursed her lips. “I know you’ve been avoiding thinking about it. That’s okay. It’s how anyone would respond, but repressing everything isn’t healthy.”

“I know,” Evan mumbled.

The thing was, Evan wasn’t avoiding thinking about it. He thought about it a lot. His mind conjured images of Connor dying—only sometimes Connor was replaced with himself. It reminded him how close they both had been. Maybe that was why Evan felt the need to come back to Connor’s room again and again. Maybe if he could somehow help Connor, it would mean that he would be okay again too.

The blood and the closeness to death didn’t scare him. What scared Evan was the thought of Connor’s life staying as painful as it had been in that moment. It scared him that even though months had passed he didn’t know if he was any different than he’d been when he climbed that tree. He didn’t know if the ground was still rushing toward him.

“I didn’t know him,” Evan stated.

“I know, but that doesn’t mean—”

“I found his note at school,” Evan told her. “He dropped it. I read it, and panicked, and Jared knew where he lived. It all happened really fast.”

“Yeah?” She hummed.

“But that’s it,” he lied.

“He signed your cast,” Evan’s mom stated.

“Yeah,” Evan looked down at the large bold letters. “When I visited him at the hospital. Mom, I’m fine. I hope Connor’s fine too.”

“I’m going to trust you,” she said heavily. “You know you can talk to me, right?”

“I know, Mom,” Evan looked at his hands.

“I’m not always here,” she started.

“But I can call you,” Evan finished. They’d had this conversation a lot. He wondered if she was hoping that the more they had it the closer it would get to making a difference for either of them.

“Yeah,” she nodded.

“I’m gonna go shower,” Evan decided.

“You’re not hungry?” She asked.

“I ate at Jared’s,” he stated. “Night, Mom.”

Evan didn’t like lying to her. As a kid he’d never been able to. If she didn’t see through him, he’d cave an admit the truth. He wasn’t a kid anymore, and she couldn’t see when he was brushing her off anymore.

Days became weeks faster than Evan thought they would. Evan was half surprised him and Connor didn’t run out of bad movies to make fun of and books to talk about. He liked that their days became a routine. He’d ride with Zoe back to the house and work on his homework until Connor showed up.

Once Connor’s mother offered to make him a snack before Connor came home. Not wanting to offend her, Evan had agreed. He had sat at Connor’s kitchen table and talked to Connor’s mother about things that didn’t matter. Only once did she ask about how Evan thought Connor was doing. Evan wasn’t entirely honest, because he knew that Connor wouldn’t have wanted him to be.

He didn’t tell her that even after two weeks of Evan coming to the house, Connor was still tense most of the time. It was clear Connor wasn’t always comfortable. It took a bit for Evan to get used to the idea that this really didn’t have anything to do with him. Connor had a hard time being comfortable in his own skin.

But sometimes he did relax. Sometimes he laughed and joked and seemed almost happy. Evan liked those moments. He liked when he could be the cause of those moments.

One day Zoe texted him saying that she was sick and couldn’t drive him to school or their house later that day. She only texted Evan in situations like this. He’d tried to explain to her that he was worse at communicating through his phone than he was in person. She didn’t really get it, she didn’t really get a lot of the anxiety things he’d tried to explain to her, but she didn’t go out of her way to call or text him.

Evan didn’t want to cancel on Connor just because getting to the house was a little bit more inconvenient. He went home after school, completed his homework, and walked to the Murphy’s a little after five. He didn’t really need to be there if Connor wasn’t anyway, and he doubted that Connor would care if he was a little bit late.

He knocked on the door when he got there. It took a little bit for him to realize that no one could hear it. The house was big, even if it felt smaller in Connor’s room. He was going to text Zoe, to ask her to either come to the door or send Connor. Evan didn’t have Connor’s number. He didn’t really have any need for it, since neither of them relied on cellphones much.

Before he pulled out his phone, he tried the door handle. It wasn’t locked.

That should have been a red flag. Evan knew how careful Zoe always was to lock the door behind them, and the only day Evan knew of that Connor hadn’t bothered to was the day he found him.

Evan didn’t take more than a step into the house when he heard the screaming. It was coming from upstairs. He recognized Connor’s voice even if he couldn’t distinguish the words.

Evan had heard Connor raise his voice before—Connor had shouted at Evan before—but he’d never heard it like this. A loud banging accompanied the shouting. Evan imagined Connor hitting the wall.

He wasn’t sure if it was better that he couldn’t see what was going on or worse. He wasn’t sure if he should leave and pretend he’d never been there or try to stop whatever was going on. He was supposed to be here to help, wasn’t he?

Then he heard Zoe. Evan had never heard Zoe shout before. He had never heard her shout the upset before.

Somewhere he had recognized that the two of them couldn’t have always gotten along. He’d known that when Zoe had initially avoided him, he’d known it when the idea of him spending time with Zoe had pissed Connor off. Still, the idea of them fighting, of them screaming at each other hadn’t formed in his mind. Maybe he’d wanted to think the two broken almost friends he had couldn’t possibly actively hurt each other.

Evan stubbled out of the house. As he closed the door, he heard Connor’s mother stopped whatever was going on.

He tried to remind himself that Connor hadn’t been lying when he said there were reasons that he ended up where he was. He wasn’t exactly like Evan. He reacted outwardly instead of inward. It wasn’t his fault.

Except it kinda was. It kinda had to be.

Connor said he couldn’t control himself sometimes, but there had to be a way for him to stop himself from hitting the wall and screaming at someone who was trying to help him. In her own way that was what Zoe was doing. At least, that was what Evan had always thought she was doing. He’d always thought that they both cared they just didn’t show it.

Or maybe they didn’t. Maybe they were given the chance to have someone with them through all the bad stuff life threw at them and instead of uniting they saw each other as enemies. Maybe they hated each other and that was that.

Evan used to want a sibling. He used to think if there was someone with him who saw every terrible thing life built around him, it would all be a little bit easier to bare. But maybe if there was another person in his house they’r just end up as broken and miserable as Evan didn’t know how to say he was.

The next day Zoe put up the act of everything being normal. Evan wondered if he would have been able to tell something was wrong if he hadn’t witnessed part of the fight. On the drive to school she was a little bit stiffer than usual. It was worse by the end of the day.

He didn’t say anything. The drive was awkward and uncomfortable, two things Evan thought they had passed a week ago. He wanted to ask what was wrong. He wanted to ask her to slow down, but he couldn’t force his throat to produce words. Instead he just sat there and worried and braced for the explosion.

The few times Evan watched Connor freak out, it was clear that someone or something else was usually the match that set him off. Zoe was different. Zoe didn’t go off. Zoe was her own match and the world around her was the explosives.

That was what Evan thought the second before they hit the curb.

“Fuck.”

For a moment Zoe just looked frozen, then she dissolved. Evan hadn’t seen her cry before. She hadn’t cried at the hospital. Part of him thought that she was unbreakable—that nothing could really drive her to tears.

“It’s okay,” he stammered because he knew he had to say something. “We’re fine, and I can check the car if you want. I’m sure it’s just a scrape. There’s lots of other scrapes and—”

“It’s not about the car,” Zoe uttered. Her head was in her hands, palms covering her eyes.

“Okay,” Evan nodded even though she couldn’t see him. Tentatively he placed his hand on her shoulder. “What is it about?”

“You don’t have to do this,” she wiped her eyes now. The mask was about to slid into place.

“You can talk to me,” Evan blurted. “I, um, I mean I already know things—about your family I mean, so it’s okay.”

“Everything is so fucked up,” Zoe exhaled. “You don’t want to know how fucked up it is.”

“That doesn’t mean you can’t tell me,” he meant this. He could help. He needed to help.

Zoe took a breath.

“It’s good you didn’t come over yesterday,” she told him. “You probably wouldn’t have wanted to step foot in our house again if you did.”

“What does that mean?” Evan wasn’t going to tell her he had been there for a minute. He wasn’t going to tell her he’d ran away again.

“It means we’re not victims,” Zoe said bitterly. Evan watched the anger in his face met into something else. “You know, Connor and I used to fight all the time. We used to scream at each other almost everyday, and now—I don’t know, it’s like I don’t know how to anymore.”

“You don’t know how to fight?” Evan repeated.

“Everything is different but it isn’t,” she gritted her teeth. “I used to actually be scared of him. Not ‘cause I thought he was gonna actually hurt me—that was all talk and he fucking knew that. But that didn’t matter because every time he’d say stuff like that to me the brother I used to have died a little bit more.”

“You used to get a long?” Evan asked.

“We used to love each other,” Zoe said hollowly. “We used to be close. Before he started treating me like shit.”

Her voice broke. Evan squeezed her shoulder. He was bad at comforting people.

“It’s like something inside him turned into a monster and it didn’t care that I wanted him to stay my brother,” she whispered.

“I’m sorry,” he uttered. “That sounds so hard.”

“That’s not the hard part,” she looked at him now. There was so much pain in her eyes. She looked so much like Connor in that moment. “The hard part is that was how it used to work. That’s how it worked for a really, really long time. Connor was the bad guy and I was the victim and my parents couldn’t do anything about it.”

“And now?” Evan asked.

“And now it’s not.” A hard expression formed on her face. “We knew he was hurting. We always knew. I mean, he threw a printer at a teacher when he was eight, of course we fucking knew.”

She looked at her hands.

“This is my fault,” her voice was lower now. “He might have failed me as a brother, but I failed him as a sister so much more. I deserve for him to hate me.”

“That’s not true,” Evan started.

“Is it?” Zoe asked back. “Evan, I called him a psycho. I picked at him when he messed up because I thought that made us even. I could have been on his side but I chose not to be.”

“That doesn’t mean he has the right to lash out at you,” Evan told her.

“I should have told my mom he was getting worse,” Zoe murmured. “She couldn’t see all of it but I could.”

“It’s not your job to recognize that,” Evan pressed. “You’re still a kid too.”

“Then who’s job is it?” Zoe asked. “Yours?”

“I don’t,” Evan blinked at her.

“You saved him and you didn’t even know him,” her voice was numb now. “I’ve known him my whole life and I don’t do anything.”

“He’s safe now,” Evan tried to sound calm—he tried to sound like he knew what he was talking about. “You can help him now.”

“He doesn’t want me to,” she whispered.

“At least he’ll know you’re there,” Evan said back.

When she calmed down, they drove to the house. The dent at the front of the car was bigger than Evan had expected it to be. He watched Zoe look at the damage.

“I’m so dead,” she said almost apathetically.

“It’s not that bad,” Evan tried.

“It is,” she sighed, and turned to the house. “Thanks for listening to my bullshit.”

“It’s not bullshit,” Evan needed to say.

“Well, still thanks,” she smiled at him. It was a sad smile. “At some point you’re gonna get sick of me saying that to you.”

“I won’t,” Evan wasn’t sure why he said this. “I promise.”

“Okay,” she forced a laugh. “Connor should be here soon.”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. “I’ll wait. Like usual. Yeah.”

“Right,” Zoe smiled again before disappearing into the house. Evan followed at a slower pace. It was good Connor wasn’t here yet. He needed some time alone to think.

Chapter Text

“You look really zoned,” Connor commented as they tried to find a movie they both wanted to watch.

“What does that mean?” Evan asked him.

“Out of it,” Connor shrugged. “Somewhere else.”

“Oh,” Evan nodded.

“Hope it’s better than here,” Connor said dryly.

“What?” Evan looked at him.

“Wherever your mind is,” Connor stated. “I hope it’s somewhere less shitty.”

“It’s here,” Evan uttered. “Just not here. That doesn’t make sense.”

“It doesn’t,” Connor agreed with a small smirk. It didn’t last long. He was acting just like Zoe and been.

“Do you love your sister?” Evan asked too suddenly.

“I,” Connor look appalled at the question. “What the fuck?”

“I mean,” Evan sputtered. “I know you do. I know you have to and all, but you don’t tell her that, right?”

“Are we seriously doing this?” Connor groaned.

“I know it’s not my business,” Evan told him. “But maybe you can’t put it to words right?”

“No,” Connor said stiffly. “Why? Did she say something to you?”

“I just think you should find a way,” Evan pushed the words out. “Before it’s too late.”

“It’s already too late,” Connor said darkly.

“Not to her,” Evan said. “Just think about it, okay?”

“Fine,” Connor exhaled. “Whatever. Are you gonna help me pick a fucking movie or not?”

“Yeah,” Evan hummed. He wasn’t going to push too much at once.

The next day Connor put a folded piece of paper in Evan’s hands. Evan didn’t question him out loud, at this point he knew Connor well enough to understand that when he wanted to say something he did. So instead Evan watched Connor sit at the edge of the bed, not doing that good of a job at hiding the tension in his shoulders.

“I’m shit at talking,” Connor stated.

Evan nodded. Connor had to know him well enough to know that Evan of all people understood that much, even if Evan had only stated that to Zoe.

“Sometimes it’s easier to write the complicated stuff out,” Connor was looking at the ground. It almost felt like he was talking more to himself than Evan. “That’s why I kept a fucking journal in the first place.”

“Okay,” Evan uttered. He didn’t unfold the paper, despite how much he wanted to know what it said. He waited for more of an explanation. He waited for Connor to give him the okay.

“That’s what you were asking about,” Connor loosely gestured. “You can read it in here or leave the room. I don’t care. Just, don’t tell anyone about it, okay?”

“I won’t,” Evan promised.

“You know if anyone else asked me that I would have kicked them out,” Connor added before Evan could turn his attention to the paper.

“Does that mean I’m special?” Evan tried to joke.

“Maybe,” Connor almost smiled. Then he was looking at his feet again.

Evan turned slightly away from Connor, not wanting to fully leave the room. He wasn’t sure where else in the house he’d go. He’d done a good job of only ever spending time in Connor’s room and the bathroom of the first level. He wasn’t sure if Connor noticed him avoiding the one near his room.

He unfolded the paper. It was less crumpled than Connor’s last letter.

Dear Evan Hansen,

I don’t know why I keep making these start all formal and shit. I’ve never been formal in my life.

I’m gonna assume you talked to my sister about me. I mean, I kinda figured you guys were talking about me for a while now but that doesn’t matter. I’m not going to try to convince you that I’m right and she’s wrong since it’s not like you should believe me over her. I wouldn’t in your shoes.

The truth is that things are shit.They’re really bad and they’ve been stuck like this for what feels like forever but isn’t, because I can remember a point where they weren’t.

We used to get along. Growing up I never had friends. Not that I have to tell you that since we’ve been in the same school since the beginning of time. But I had less issues with the fact that everyone hated me when I was a kid because at least one person still thought I was amazing.

Yeah. When Zoe was small and stupid enough not to know better she thought I was great and I thought she was all I needed. The problem is all of that is a fucking lie.

Of course I love her. She’s still my little sister. She’s still the kid I used to hunt for four leaf clovers with, and sing a long to bad music with, and build pillow forts to hide from thunder storms with. But we’re not eight anymore.

She’s not on my side.

My therapist says it’s unhealthy to see my life as a battle field, but it’s kinda been hardwired since middle school. Maybe longer.

When we were kids we used to play knights (because she didn’t want to be the princess, she wanted to fight too), but in those games we were always fighting on the same team. Or kingdom. Whatever. What I’m trying to say is back then, even when the danger was pretend, it was always us against everyone else.

Now she’s either shutting me out or attacking as if she can’t see that is what everyone is doing to me. It’s what my fucking brain is doing to me.

She doesn’t want to understand me. She wants me to be the villain because that’s easier. She doesn’t get that I want to be the hero again but I can’t if everyone is ready to cut me down. She thinks I’m wrong for all the shit I can’t control.

And I get that I am for some of it.

But she doesn’t stop to think that maybe a lot of shit is easier for her, and even when it isn’t I know what it feels like to be in pain. She thinks that she’s the only one who’s hurting and that’s not true.

When we were kids we both couldn’t make friends. Eventually she figured out how to fill everyone. And no matter how pissed at her I always am it fucking upsets me that she has to act like she’s someone she isn’t for people to accept her.

I used to try to protect her from people like that. Or just from everything. I guess that’s gonna be hard for you to imagine, but I used to try to take care of her. Now I only hurt her.

I don’t want to. Most of the time it’s like when I lashed out at you. I’ll be angry at the world, or myself, or sometimes even my family and she ends up being the last straw. She’ll say something that isn’t supposed to upset me (or sometimes it is. Sometimes she does try to get on my nerves) and then I just explode at her.

She told you about two days ago, right? She probably did.

What’s funny is I don’t want to be that anymore. I want to get better. For a long time I thought that was fucking impossible but the hospital is actually helping. They’re actually recognizing the shit that’s messed up with me and showing me that I can be better.

But I can’t take back years of purposely and accidentally hurting her.

I can’t ask her to forgive me. That’s not right of me to even if she’d consider it, and trust me she won’t. She hates me and that’s fine. I deserve it.

So there. Does that answer your question?

Sincerely,
Me

Evan refolded the paper and tucked it into his pocket. Connor still wasn’t looking at him. Evan wasn’t sure that he was the right person for this. He wasn’t sure he was worthy of the trust Connor and Zoe were putting in him, and he really wasn’t sure he could do anything to help this.

Connor and Zoe both wanted things to be better. They both wanted to go back to a time where they were connected and didn’t have to lash out at each other. But they were both convinced that was impossible.

Evan barely knew them. They weren’t asking him to fix anything. They weren’t telling him to help. He could console both of them and not step in the middle. He could play it safe and try his best to keep a ceasefire between them.

Did that make him a horrible friend?

“The only way you’re gonna fix anything is if you start trying to,” Evan’s voice came out smoother than he thought it could. “And she doesn’t hate you.”

“She told you that?” Connor scoffed. “I don’t know how to reach her. If I tried, all I’d do is fuck up.”

“So then you fuck up,” Evan said plainly. Connor looked at him now. “But if you do nothing then you’re both just going to still keep thinking you hate each other forever.”

“This family isn’t going to last forever,” Connor stated.

“That should prove something,” Evan meant this.

“I don’t know how to talk to her,” Connor sighed. “If I did, she wouldn’t understand what I was saying.”

“You could—”

“Stop,” Connor didn’t sound angry. He sounded tired. “There aren’t magic words that are going to save this. I can’t just say something and make it all go away.”

“Then do something,” Evan blurted. “Make a gesture or do something nice without asking for something in return. Then maybe you could build from there.”

Evan heard himself loose confidence before he felt it. He waited for Connor too roll his eyes and reject the advice. Evan used to try to help Jared with his problems when they were younger, but Jared always found fault in Evan’s solutions. If he couldn’t figure out the small issues Jared and him talked about years ago, there was no way his words were going to get through to Connor.

“How?” Connor’s voice was softer now.

“What do you mean?” Evan asked back.

“You’re gonna hate me for this,” Connor started.

“What?” Evan questioned.

“I don’t know how to be nice to her,” his hands made fists. “Not in a way that’s not gonna put her on edge. And it’s not like she’s gonna want me to offer help for anything, she knows I can’t even sort out my own shit.”

“I can help,” Evan offered. “We can think about it or wait for the right situation or something.”

“What do you gain out of this?” Connor’s tone wasn’t accusatory.

“I don’t know,” Evan uttered. “Maybe a friend?”

“Zoe or me?” Connor asked bluntly.

“I kinda hoped I could be friends with both of you,” Evan answered honestly. “Since you guys seem to actually want me around.”

Connor’s eyes traced his hands.

“I don’t expect you to repay me or anything like that,” Evan quickly added. “I promise. I just wanna help, if I can.”

“Okay,” Connor nodded. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

Chapter Text

Evan didn’t see Connor or Zoe one weekends. He usually sent most of that time catching up of getting a head of the homework that he wouldn’t have time to do when he was spending time with Connor. He’d never asked if he should come by on a day that wasn’t a school day, since he figured Connor wanted alone time and Evan wasn’t really sure he could handle socializing every day.

He assumed that on the following Monday they would talk more about Zoe. Connor had the weekend to collect his thoughts, and Evan had that time to summon the determination not to let Connor back out. When he got into Zoe’s car that morning he wasn’t exactly excited, but he felt like he had a bit more of a purpose than usual. He hoped Connor did as well.

“Connor's grounded,” Zoe informed him as he closed his door.

“I thought he was already grounded,” Evan told her.

“No,” she made a face that told him she had a good handful of opinions on this. “He was restricted. Now he’s grounded. I can just take you home after school.”

“I can’t come over?” Evan asked dumbly.

“No,” Zoe shook her head. “He doesn’t really have a lot of other privileges my parents can take away.”

“Oh,” Evan nodded numbly. “Can I ask what happened?”

“I guess,” she sighed. “I mean, he probably assumes I’m gonna tell you.”

“He thinks we talk about him,” Evan admitted.

“We kinda do,” Zoe shrugged. “Just, before I explain, I want you to know I tried to stop him.”

“It’s that bad?” Evan could feel a cold sensation taking hold of him.

“No,” Zoe said quickly. “Well—I don’t know. You remember the dent on the car I made the other day?”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded.

“Our dad saw it and asked me about it during dinner,” she put on a pained expression. “He was pretty pissed, and I guess he had a right to be since the only times Connor ever scraped up the car was when he was high.”

“He drove while he was high?” Evan asked before he could stop himself.

“Yeah, a couple times,” Zoe told him. “Anyway, I was gonna apologize and say that neither of us got hurt and I didn’t hit someone else’s car, but then Connor suddenly declared that it was his fault.”

“He what?” Evan blinked at her.

“Yeah,” Zoe shook her head. “Before I could say anything he was babbling this whole fake story about how he wanted to go to 7-11 for candy or something.”

“Your parents believed that?” Evan asked.

“He’s a good liar,” Zoe said gravely. “I tried to tell the truth after dinner but he said it’s better at least one of us have access to freedom since he’s not supposed to be driving at all.”

“Are you mad at him?” Evan couldn’t read her emotions.

“No,” Zoe said quickly. “But he didn’t have to do that. He’s in way more trouble than I would have been.”

“Maybe he doesn’t care,” Evan said hopefully.

“He does,” Zoe sighed. “He cares about everything.”

“Then he was being nice,” Evan decided. “That’s a good thing, right?”

“Yeah,” Zoe nodded slowly. “You know for a second when he was getting me to shut up about it actually being my fault it felt like we were kids again. Like we had our own private conspiracy or something.”

“I’m glad he did it,” Evan voiced. Even though this was not at all what Evan had in mind when he’d told Connor to make a gesture.

“Oh, before I forget,” Zoe started. “There’s another letter for you in the glove compartment.”

“Okay,” Evan reached for it now.

“Just don’t read it in front of me,” Zoe said quickly. “I feel like it’s about me or something.”

“Okay,” Evan agreed. He had already planned to wait until he was alone in the corner of the hallway anyway.

Dear Evan Hansen,

I took your advice. Zoe probably already explained that to you. I’m pretty sure this wasn’t exactly what you meant.

Me and Zoe talked civilly for the first time in a while, so that’s good. I mean, it was mostly about the car but baby steps, right?

She didn’t seem mad about me taking the bullet for her. Let me know if she is. Since I think I would be, but that’s just me. I’m an asshole and she isn’t and we’ve been over that. She seemed relieved. I don’t think she could handle being stuck here constantly. She goes out a lot. She doesn’t think I notice, but I do. I have no idea where she’s going, but that doesn’t matter. She’s smarter than the rest of us so it’s not something to be worried about.

My parents are pissed. Okay that’s the wrong word for it. My dad doesn’t really get mad outwardly, he just gets disappointed. It’s worse. I’d rather he yell at me than tell me I’m letting everyone down. Not that he did that. Not this time. He just looked at me like he knew that he couldn’t say how tired he was of all my shit.

My mom was all over the place. The whole grounding thing was her idea. Usually my dad is better at being the bad cop, but she thinks that she let me off too much and that’s how I got here so yeah.

It’s gonna take a while for them to not be mad. That’s fine though. Everyone’s always mad at me for something, at least now Zoe and I aren’t trying to kill each other on top of that.

She probably told you that you can’t come over. I guess that’s a good thing too. You get a break of dealing with me. You can have your free time back to do whatever it is you do when you’re not here.

You know what, I’m just gonna ask here since I don’t know how to out loud. I’m not pressuring you into spending time with me, am I? I know you said you wanted to be my friend and Zoe’s friend, but that wasn’t just to make me feel better, right? Because I can’t really handle you just being here because you want to be nice to the suicidal kid.

I’m sorry if that sounds wrong. It probably does. Look, I like being around you. I just don’t want whatever this is to be a lie. Or me being selfish and keeping you here when you don’t want to be.

It’s kinda nice to have someone around who doesn’t think of me as a giant fuck up. Unless you do and are just too nice to tell me. Plus the counselors say social interaction is supposed to be good for me, and you’re one of the few people who don’t piss me off.

I don’t know for how long I’m gonna be grounded. Since my mom’s the one enforcing it, I don’t think it should be so long. If it’s okay, I was thinking I could keep writing letters like this until then. Zoe said she doesn’t mind delivering them. You can write to me too, if you want. It’s up to you.

I just thought that maybe it would be nice to still talk even though we can’t right now. You could tell me how your weekend was or something. Mine was boring after the whole grounding thing.

I’m gonna have to talk to my therapist about it tomorrow so I’m still deciding what story she gets to hear. You’d probably vote for the truth. I think Zoe might too. If I asked her. I’m not going to. Baby steps.

Okay. That’s about it. I’m gonna go ask Zoe to get this to you now. I’m just gonna assume she’s still driving you even though you’re not coming back here at the end of the day.

Sincerely,
Me

Evan caught Jared near the parking lot at the end of the day. He had meant to talk to him a week ago. He’d meant to actually talk to him, not pretend that the silence between them was nonexistent. He’d spent time thinking of how he’d pull him aside and have the first voluntary serious conversation of their sort of friendship.

Instead he asked him if he was free now that the school day was over. For a moment, it looked like Jared was gonna shrug him off or make a jibe about how he did actually have friends outside of school. Unlike Evan. Unlike Connor had.

“Not really,” Jared finally shrugged. “My mom’s being weird again, you wanna come over? I could use the brownie points.”

“Okay,” Evan ignored that Jared was admitting that he only spent time with him because his parents wanted him to. “Sure. Sounds fun.”

“Yeah, it’ll be less fun if she starts bugging us about the noise,” Jared sighed.

“You do turn your TV volume up really loud,” Evan said sheepishly.

“Come on, you’re supposed to be on my side,” Jared whined.

And just like that everything was normal. The air around them wasn’t exactly comfortable, but it was familiar and that was all Evan needed right now. Jared still looked more tired than he usually did, and Evan was stilly fully aware that he probably wouldn’t be standing there if Connor wasn’t grounded. But that didn’t matter if neither of them said anything about it.

“You gonna tell your girlfriend?” Jared asked.

“What?” Evan stammered.

Jared wordlessly pointed to Zoe, who was sprinting towards the pair of them.

“Oh,” Evan swallowed. “We’re not—”

“Did you need a ride?” Zoe asked, slightly out of breath. “Because I don’t mind just taking you to your house.”

“I’m actually leaving with Jared,” Evan gestured to Jared. He had a slightly annoyed expression on his face. Evan didn’t get why. “Thanks, though.”

“No problem,” Zoe smiled at him. “Do you have a letter for Connor? He wanted me to ask you that at the end of the day?”

“No,” Evan realized he should have written his response at lunch, now Connor was going to have to wait a whole day. “Can you tell him I’ll have one tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” Zoe nodded.

This was awkward. Talking to Zoe in front of Jared was awkward, and not just because Jared knew about his crush on her. It felt too much like two worlds that should be kept separate were overlapping. That shouldn’t be right, since Jared knew about Zoe and Connor. Jared had also saved Connor. But he didn’t know the same Evan that Zoe did.

“We should probably go,” Jared thankfully voiced. “Before everyone else tries to leave the parking lot.”

“Shit, me too,” Zoe grimaced.

“Evan! Zoe!”

Evan wasn’t sure how someone as loud and vocal as Alana Beck could manage to sneak up on three people. He liked to think that Connor would have laughed at them if he were there. Or just walked away. Evan wasn’t sure.

“Hi, Alana,” Zoe pursed her lips. “Well, see you guys—”

“How’s Connor doing?” Alana looked from Zoe to Evan expectantly.

“Fine,” Zoe tensed as she uttered the word. Alana didn’t seem to notice. “I was just—”

“Do you think he’ll be coming back to school soon?” She asked, attention more on Zoe than Evan now.

“Hey, Alana, what did you get on that bio test?” Jared blurted.

“An eighty-seven,” Alana made a face. “Half of the questions were on material the study guide didn’t begin to cover.”

“I know right,” Jared let out a very fake groan. “I probably have to take it again.”

“I can tutor you if you want,” Alana offered.

“Nah, I can figure it out,” Jared shrugged. “Hey, Zoe didn’t you have to get to that jazz band thing right now?”

Jared was very bad at being subtle. He was one of those people who thought that they could hint at something without anyone else in the room realizing their true intent, when in reality no one knew how to tell him that he was giving himself away.

Alana was more tone deaf to social cues than Evan. An unstoppable force was meeting an unmovable object.

“Right,” Zoe said a little too slowly. “I’m gonna go then.”

“Yeah,” Evan piped up. “See you tomorrow.”

“Thanks,” Zoe whispered at Jared before turning in what Evan hoped Alana didn’t notice wasn’t the direction of the band room.

“We gotta go too,” Evan said to Alana. “I’ll tell Connor you say hi.”

“Please do,” Alana said brightly.

“Well, people notice you now,” Jared commented dryly as they walked away.

“Yeah,” Evan mumbled.

Jared didn’t blast the radio this time. Evan was thankful for that. He hadn’t realized how exhausted he was until they were driving out of the car. He knew he could have used Connor being grounded as a chance to be a lone for a bit, but he needed to convince himself that everything with Jared was normal.

“So, are you actually going to tell Connor Murphy Alana Beck said hi?” Jared asked a little tentatively.

“I don’t know,” Evan shrugged. “Maybe? I’ll think about it.”

“So you talk to him?” Jared asked.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. “I, um, I go to their house after school.”

“Oh,” Jared was looking at the road. He was driving slower than he usually did. “That’s nice.”

“It is,” Evan said a little too quickly. “Connor’s a lot nicer than people think he is.”

“Right,” Jared uttered. He was silent for a second. “How is he?”

“What do you mean?” Evan asked back, not sure how to answer this. Jared wasn’t like the people at school who tried to question him. Jared knew what happened.

“Is he,” Jared’s grip tightened on the wheel. “Like recovering?”

“He was in the hospital for—”

“That’s not what I meant,” Jared cut him off.

“Oh,” Evan swallowed. “I don’t think Connor would want me to talk about that.”

“Right,” Jared said too quickly. “Yeah. That’s fine, I don’t really care.”

Chapter Text

Dear Connor Murphy,

Hi. I’m sorry you got grounded. I mean, I’m glad that you did that. For Zoe. But I’m sorry I can’t hang out with you.

I’m also sorry I didn’t write this earlier. I didn’t mean to leave you with radio silence for a day. Actually, Zoe probably told you I was gonna write it tonight. So not completely silence.

Wow this is a lot harder than I thought it was gonna be. How is this easier for you? No offense, I mean! I just usually over think what I say. And this makes it harder because now I can see it. Sorry.

You’re not pressuring me into spending time with you. I like watching movies and talking. I promise I do. I can’t really say that I’d tell you if I didn’t, since you probably know that would be a lie. But I wouldn’t show up as much if I did. Sorry, that’s really misleading. I’m gonna redo that.

I like spending time with you. I’m actually kinda disappointed that I can’t right now. Not that I don’t think you did the right thing!

Yeah, this is a mess.

You said to tell you what I did this weekend. It was kinda boring. I did homework for most of Saturday. I need to get at least an A in English if I want my GPA to stay the way it is. And that’s really boring, isn’t it?

I went for a walk to the park. I took pictures of trees on my phone. They’re not as bad as you’d think since I’m not good at photography and all. I can show them to you if you want. But you don’t have to look at them if you don’t want to.

So, I’m not really sure what else to say here. Sorry. I’m really boring. How was your day? Or days since it’ll be more than one by the time you write me back.

Sincerely,
Me

P.S. Alana Beck says hi.

Dear Evan Hansen,

You need to relax more. I know that sounds rich coming from me, but seriously. I’m not gonna bite your head off for something you write in a letter you’re only writing because I asked you to. Just try not to second guess yourself if you can. Don’t reread what you write, if it doesn’t make sense I’ll ask. Okay?

I think writing is easier for me because I don’t have to have the words I want to say immediately. I can find them instead. People go really fast in real life. It’s harder. If that makes any sense.

I’d like to see the tree pictures. Maybe you could print them at school and give them to Zoe?

You can do homework when you’re over here, you know? Actually, if you need help in English I could help you when I’m no longer grounded. If you need someone to proof read your essays or something. I’m surprisingly pretty good at that subject. It’s the only part of school I didn’t hate. So there’s me being boring.

Why were you talking to Alana Beck? Wait, on second thought I don’t want to know.

My day wasn’t shit. I think that’s the best way to put it. Zoe and I had another civil conversation. It was mostly about you this time. In a good way. We’re not talking shit about you behind your back.

She thinks you’re nice. She’s probably already told you, but now you know she’s not just saying it. I think it’s good she’s driving you. Her friends are assholes so at least she has one good person she spends time with.

Don’t tell her I said that. She doesn’t like when I insult them. Which I guess makes sense, but it’s the truth. They’re self centered and don’t appreciate her. Plus, they think stupid high school drama is the end of the world. That’s one of the top reasons why I hate other people.

I feel like need to add that I don’t hate you, because I think you’re going to get the wrong idea from that last sentence.

My parents seem less upset. My mom’s not talking about the car, and my dad wasn’t going to anyway. I don’t care. At least Zoe won’t feel guilty.

Thanks for writing back. Not to sound sappy, but it does mean a lot.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Connor Murphy,

Don’t tell her I told you this, but I think Zoe’s avoiding her friends. That’s one of the reasons why she’s driving me. It gives her less time around people at school.

The tree pictures are in the envelope too. You probably already saw them. They’re not that good. Sorry. I’ll try to take better ones, if you want. I like to look at trees. That’s probably really weird. Sorry, I just think they’re calming, and fascinating, and really under appreciated.

Okay, I’m trying to not second guess what I’m writing. So if this is bad and annoying then you asked for it. Sorry. That was rude.

You don’t have to thank me for writing back. I want to.

Alana means well. She just asked me and Zoe how you were doing, and Jared distracted her so Zoe could leave. I told her that I’d tell you she said hi. Then I wasn’t going to because I figured that would irritate you, but then I did because I’m stupid. Sorry.

But out of all the people asking about you, I think she really is worried. It’s just kinda uncomfortable, you know? Not that I should complain since it’s probably worse for Zoe. Or for you reading this. Which is why I shouldn’t talk about it. See, I’m really bad at this.

Okay. What I mean is that I’m not trying to complain because I don’t have the right to. But I don’t think Alana means any harm, she just doesn’t get certain things. I can kinda relate to that, honestly.

Social cues are hard. That’s one of the reasons why I’m such a mess all the time. There are other reasons too. Sorry, you don’t want to read me whining about stuff that doesn’t matter.

I might take you up on that English offer. And I’m not surprised you’re good at it. You’re always reading and you like writing. It makes sense.

I’m not bad at it, but I’m not good at it so there’s a lot of pressure there. I think I’d feel better if you could look over my writing before I hand it in. I would have asked someone in my class to, but I don’t want to bother Zoe with it since she’s having a worse time. Maybe you could help her too? Zoe and I are in the same English class. I don’t know if she told you that.

I’m glad your parents are less upset about the car thing. I didn’t think the dent was that bad, but I guess that’s not the issue since they think you did it.

The lunch bell is gonna ring soon, so I think I’ll end this here so I can get it to Zoe today.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Evan Hansen,

New rule: you’re not allowed to right the word sorry. You don’t have to apologize for things you say. You have a right to say what you think, if people don’t like it they can go fuck themselves. And there’s really no reason for you to apologize to me. Ever.

Also, these pictures are fucking amazing so stop selling yourself short. If you take anymore, do you mind giving me copies? They’re nice to have.

I don’t think it’s weird that you like trees. Everyone has things they’re passionate about. I think it’s kinda cool. In a nerdy way.

You can complain if people are bothering you at school. You have that right too. I’m sorry you have to deal with that shit because of me. It really pisses me off that people are that fucking stupid. And before you say something, I don’t mean Alana Beck. She’s kinda annoying, but I know she’s not an asshole.

That doesn’t mean I want her talking about me or bugging you and Zoe, though. I’d tell you to tell her to give it a rest, except I know you won’t.

About helping Zoe with school work, I don’t think we’re quite there yet. I don’t know how to explain this, but our whole family is kinda, for lack of a better word, prideful. She wouldn’t take it the right way. If I was her I wouldn’t.

You probably think we’re overdramatic. Which is fair. We are.

So now my therapist is making me log my mood on a scale of one to ten every hour every day. It’s really tedious but I think it’s helping ground me a bit. I thought I was gonna hate having to go to therapy this much, but I don’t. It’s weird.

Out of curiosity, what book are you reading for English? I think I was supposed to be in your class. I remember getting miffed about having the same period as Zoe. That’s one of the reasons why I skipped it the first day. You know the other reasons.

It’s going to suck when I actually have to go back to that shithole.

Can you tell that I’m almost running out of things to talk about that I’m actually asking you about school? This whole grounding thing is lasting longer than I thought. She usually gives up after a few days.

Sincerely,
Me

Chapter Text

Connor wasn’t sure at what point exchanging letters with Evan Hansen became normal. He wasn’t sure at what point Evan Hansen being in his life became normal.

A week past since he'd been grounded. It felt like a month, but that wasn’t necessarily because of the punishment. Time felt like it was stretching more now. That might just be because he was used to having to sacrifice eight hours of his day to school and being forced to stay relatively busy through the rest of his time. Not having a lot to do was new to him.

Still, there was that tiny voice in his head that was convinced his days felt longer only because they had almost been extinguished. That thought didn’t scare him, even if it should.

At some point he was going to run out of things to write to Evan. He was already almost out of the weird hospital stories he started relaying when he realized nothing interesting happened to him daily. His mother wouldn’t tell him when he was going to be ungrounded, and Evan seemed like the sort of person to get paranoid if the length of Connor’s letters started decreasing.

Evan was always paranoid. Connor didn’t mind that, but sometimes he wondered what it took to get this kid to relax completely.

Even after over a month of constantly spending time with each other, Connor didn’t really know that much about Evan Hansen. Evan didn’t talk about himself. That was fine, Connor hated it when people constantly made their lives the topic of conversation. But at some point he’d like to know a little bit more about the world his sort of friend came from.

Even in the letters Evan talked more about Connor and Zoe than he did himself. It was still a little weird that Evan knew so much about Connor’s relationship with his sister. It was weird to talk to anyone about Zoe and know she was talking about him to the same person. They used to be good at keeping ever issue under wraps.

Things were getting better. They were really fucking awkward and different from any sort of normal the two of them used to have. But they weren’t uncomfortable.

They were talking now, mostly it was just short conversations when she gave him Evan’s letter or he handed her his. Sometimes he tried to tell her a joke. As a kid he loved telling jokes. They rung flat now, but she laughed anyway.

There was something behind her eyes when she looked at him. She saw him as something broken now—something fragile. He hated that. He really fucking hated that.

But at least he wasn’t a monster to her anymore.

His therapist told him not to use that word. He also wasn’t supposed to use the word failure. He wasn’t supposed to call himself a failure. Even though he was fully aware that was word in the heads of everyone close to him.

That didn’t exactly bother him. It meant that his family was finally seeing that there was a reason he was so fucked up. It meant he had an illness, not an attitude problem.

He was given a different medication after the incident. The new pills worked better than the ones he stopped taking in sophomore year. Aside from feeling exceedingly dizzy the first week, he wasn’t lying when he told his mother that he thought they were helping.

He missed getting high. Even if he could leave the house to buy weed, which he couldn’t, his father laid down the law about that the second he got him from the hospital. Connor stopped himself from bitterly commenting that the action surprised him.

He remembered when he first started smoking. He remembered wondering if anyone was going to fucking say anything aside from the occasional smug remark Zoe made. Part of him had wanted his parents to notice. He wanted them to care enough to get mad.

His mother hadn’t tried to stop him. He knew it bothered her but she never seemed to know how to tell him that he was hurting himself. His father was always too wrapped up in something else.

It was harder to get mad at them for not knowing how to handle him now. He blamed his therapist for that. She was underpaid for how good she was.

Now Connor tried to see their perspective. That was easier after seeing their faces when he came to in the hospital room. He was glad none of them had the chance to see the pitiful excuse for a note he’d left. They deserved so much more.

Evan’s latest letter was sitting on his desk. Zoe had given it to him an hour ago along with four pictures of trees, which she’d just shook her head at. Connor pinned his favorites of Evan’s trees to the wall above his desk. Zoe thought it was weird but did admit that they brightened up the room.

The letter was also mainly about trees. It was kinda cute how even in written form Evan tended to ramble. Connor guessed that was two things he now knew about Evan Hansen. Rambling and trees. It definitely did not compare to how much Evan knew about Connor.

Connor tried not to talk about Evan with his therapist or his mother when he could avoid it. It didn’t feel right to pull Evan into that world. That was probably ironic, since it was his attempt that pulled Evan into his life.

Still, he liked to keep Evan separate. The fraction of his life that Evan overlapped with was just theirs. It was nice to have something he just shared with one person.

There was still Zoe. Connor knew that Evan talked to Zoe and that he had a bit of a crush on her. If things weren’t getting better—if Connor wasn’t getting better—that probably would have pissed him off.

For some reason, he didn’t find it that hard to cope with sharing Evan with his sister. He knew Zoe saw Evan as Connor’s friend first, and that made a difference.

Evan was Connor’s lifeline, whether Connor wanted him to be or not. Evan was the reason that Connor was still breathing, and honestly Connor did not deserve to have someone like him on his side. So if he could keep Evan away from the poison he’d let himself spread, then he would. He wanted Evan to see the few parts of him that were still good. That way they had a shot.

After dinner there was a knock on Connor’s doorway. It was funny how his family kept alluding to a privacy he didn’t have. Connor looked up from the book he’d been reading to see his father standing there. If it were his mother she would have just entered after knocking. So would Zoe. Both of them spent more time in Connor’s room than his father.

“What?” Connor asked because he wasn’t in a good enough mood not to be blunt.

“We need to talk about the car,” he started.

“What about it?” Connor braced himself for the lecture.

He stopped himself from commenting that he’d already gotten that from his mother. He was too tried to argue, and at the moment he wasn’t sure he remembered how. Connor would scream at his mother and lash out at his sister, but he was only ever passive aggressive toward his father. They were never close enough for it to be different.

His father walked into the room. He sat on the edge of the bed the way Connor’s mother would when she was about to tell him something that she knew he didn’t want to hear. Connor wasn’t sure how he was going to be able to do her job. He never liked to deal with the impact.

“I know your sister was the one who made that dent.”

That caught Connor off guard.

“She didn’t.” Connor wasn’t a shitty liar. He’d gotten his mother to believe a lot of bullshit excuses over the years, but he heard how completely unconvincing his words were.

“Connor,” his father’s face wasn’t pained. It looked almost like he was trying not to laugh. Connor wasn’t sure when the last time he’d seen him laugh was. He was never there when his family was happy.

“She told you?” He asked, giving up.

“No,” his father shook his head. “But she gets increasingly bad at maintaining lies.”

“It’s a guilt thing,” Connor wasn’t sure why he said that. “She didn’t know I was going to take the blame. It wasn’t her fault.”

“That doesn’t mean it’s okay for you to be punished for something she did,” his father didn’t sound mad.

“She’s under a lot of pressure,” Connor blurted. “It was an accident. She never usually messes up.”

“I’m not upset about the dent,” his father said firmly.

“You’re upset because I lied, I get it,” Connor sighed. “I’m sorry, okay?”

“Stop,” he closed his eyes. There was that familiar frustration. Like father like son.

Connor didn’t need to make it this hard for him. He knew that. He used to do it because it was his way of getting revenge for all the things his father hadn’t been for him. Now that he was sitting on his bed—now that he was trying to have this conversation without Connor’s mother hovering in the doorway behind him—it didn’t feel right.

“I just didn’t want her to get in trouble,” Connor admitted in a softer tone. “She needs to be able to get out of the house when it’s too much.”

“Connor,” there was a weight in his voice that usually wasn’t directed towards Connor. “I’m upset that you let us believe you were trying to act out.”

“Oh,” Connor couldn’t speak. That was too much.

“I want to help you,” his father continued. “So does your mother. We can only do that if you’re being honest with us.”

“Yeah,” Connor said numbly.

“I’m going to talk to Zoe,” he stated. “I don’t care who’s idea it was, she knows better than to let you take the bullet for her.”

“Don’t tell Mom,” Connor said too quickly. “She’s gonna freak out.”

“Your mother doesn’t—”

“Yes, she does,” Connor said too forcefully. “She flies off the handle about everything right now and that’s my fault.”

“It’s not your fault,” his father sighed. “None of this is, okay?”

“She’ll get mad at Zoe,” Connor kept talking. “I can’t handle being here all the time if they’re gonna be at each other’s throats. You know that’s what will happen.”

Connor watched his father take a breath. He was the sort of person you could watch think. What people who didn’t know him saw as a stone face, his family recognized as the gears turning. That was a good sign. That meant he was listening. Connor hated it when he responded quickly, that meant that whatever Connor said wasn’t worth running through the logical part of his brain.

“I’m glad you and your sister are on the same side again,” he finally said.

Connor wouldn’t call it that. He doubted Zoe would either, but he didn’t voice this. He just nodded.

“I’ll talk to your mother about going easier on you,” he decided. “You think you can handle a week more of this?”

“How long was it gonna be?” Connor couldn’t help asking.

“I don’t even know,” his father shook her head. “She’s worried about you.”

“She always is,” Connor stated.

“Why don’t you tell your friend he can come over while your mom’s at her yoga class,” his voice was lighter now. “Until your ungrounded.”

“You want me to go behind Mom’s back?” Connor asked out loud.

“You’re already going behind her back,” his father reminded him “You seem happier the days he’s around. I think it’s good you have a friend like that. When she’s out of the house, he’s welcome. It’ll be our secret.”

Connor didn’t know what to say. This was weird. This wasn’t them. They didn’t conspire together, they didn’t have real conversations, or trust each other with secrets especially from Connor’s mother.

He kinda liked it.

The part of him that didn’t want to be a part of a normal family—that rejected the idea once he realized how out of reach it was for them—wasn’t in him anymore. That died when he was supposed to. Now Connor liked this step towards not being a disjointed household.

“Thank you,” he uttered.

His father smiled. The words weren’t much, but they were enough.

Chapter Text

Finding out more about Evan Hansen wasn’t turning into an easy task. While Evan was very capable of talking and writing a lot, most of what he said didn’t have much to do with him. They only times they’d broken surface level was because of Connor, and that was starting to not feel right.

“You’re sure this is okay?” Evan was sitting on Connor’s bed, his homework in front of him.

“Yeah,” Connor confirmed for what felt like the tenth time. “She’s not gonna be home for at least two hours, you’re fine.”

“Okay,” Evan nodded, clearly still on edge. “I just feel like we’re breaking a rule or something.”

“Technically,” Connor shrugged. “Well, we have permission to. Sort of.”

“I don’t understand your family,” Evan confessed.

“That’s probably for the best,” Connor said dryly.

The idea of going behind Connor’s mother’s back rattled Evan. Connor found that funny, because he was an asshole.

Still, it was nice to have Evan there. They weren’t talking, Evan had homework he needed to finish, and Connor was more than fine with reading his book as he worked. Connor hadn’t realized he’d be the sort of person to like being in someone else’s silent company. It was new for him.

He still wasn’t sure what this was. Evan acted like they were friends. Connor did too, and sometimes it did feel like they were. Other times it felt like Evan was babysitting him or only there because he was afraid that if he didn’t keep tabs of Connor he’s disappear. Connor pride loved that.

But these moments were nice. They made Connor feel normal.

“Does this make any sense to you?” Evan held up a piece of notebook paper with a complexed math problem scrawled across it.

“I had to repeat algebra,” Connor said dryly.

“Right,” Evan gave the paper a dismayed looked before shoving it into a folder. “I’ll worry about it later.”

“You sure?” Connor asked. “I’ve been told procrastination is bad.”

“Stressing out about a concept I don’t understand is also bad,” Evan countered. “Plus we haven’t talked in a while.”

“Yeah,” Connor nodded.

He wasn’t sure what Evan thought that they talked about, aside from awkwardly agreeing that they didn’t like high school and Evan trying his best to give Connor advice on how to make his fucked up life a little less fucked up. Neither topic was one Connor wanted to go into now.

“You hung the pictures?” Evan was looking at the wall above Connor’s desk.

“Oh,” Connor suddenly felt embarrassed. “Yeah. I think they’re nice.”

“They’re not,” Evan said a little self consciously. “My angles are all off and my camera quality is really bad.”

“Well I don’t know shit about photography,” Connor said bluntly. “I just think they’re nice pictures.”

“Thanks,” Evan smiled at him. “I can take better ones, if you want.”

“Okay,” Connor smiled back.

Maybe normal had been the wrong word. Connor doubted normal teenagers took pictures of trees or that normal friends hung said pictures up on their wall. That was fine. Connor had never been normal in his life, and for once that felt like a good thing and not something keeping him from being okay.

That was when the doorbell started ringing. Connor hated being able to hear everything that went in the house. He didn’t complain when his father took away his door, but he wished that their desperate attempt to rid the house of anything dangerous had been enough.

Connor also hated when people felt the need to ring their doorbell more than once. Thanks to his mother even with a door the ringing was loud enough for most of the house to hear it anyway. Gritting his teeth about that once a visitor was one thing, but the relentless dinging was getting irritating fast.

Connor had been in a good mood. It took a lot to get to that state and very little to wrench him out of it. He hated that about himself.

“Were you expecting someone?” Evan asked after the fifth ring. Connor knew it was more to break the silence between them then him thinking anyone aside from him would actually willingly enter their house.

“I never am,” Connor said blandly.

“Should I be offended?” Evan asked in a still not comfortable, but slightly humored tone.

“I mean aside from you,” Connor tried to rectify.

“Right,” Evan nodded, almost smiling.

It was after the tenth ring that Zoe flew into the room. Connor hadn’t seen her move that quickly or frantically since they were kids and playing stupid chasing games. It was jarring.

“Can I hide in here?” She asked in a rush.

“What?” Connor uttered.

He glanced at Evan and was met with a questioning look that had to mirror the expression on his own face. At least they were both in the dark. That made Connor feel a little bit better.

“Sure?” Connor said to his sister. Two weeks ago she wouldn’t have even entered his room. Whatever the fuck was going on, he wasn’t about to be an ass when he was actually close to being a decent brother to her.

At that Zoe collapsed on his bed. The doorbell kept ringing.

“Is that for you?” Evan asked Zoe.

Connor made sure his face didn’t show how grateful he was that Evan voiced the question. If he had it wouldn’t have come out right and Zoe would have gotten irritated. She couldn’t get irritated at Evan. Connor doubted they were there yet friendship wise.

“Just ignore it,” she told the both of them.

“Right,” Evan swallowed.

“Just pretend I’m not here,” she added. “Do whatever you were doing before.”

“Well, it’s hard to gossip about you when you’re in the room,” Connor informed her dryly.

“Funny,” she rolled her eyes.

Evan looked unsure if they were joking or actually trying to piss each other off. If he was being honest, Connor wasn’t sure either. It had been a long time since the passive aggressive remarks weren’t aimed to wound.

“We were gonna watch a movie,” Connor decided. “Right, Evan?”

“Yeah,” he nodded.

“Cool,” Zoe pipped up.

The made it five minutes into the first thing on Netflix that Evan saw before Connor couldn’t take it anymore. His ears were ringing. He was surprised the doorbell wasn’t fucking broken by now.

“Connor, don’t,” Zoe said a little too sharply when he stood up.

“Whoever it is they aren’t going away,” he stated with a little too much aggravation.

“Connor—”

She shouted but didn’t try to follow him. Connor wasn’t sure what that meant.

He didn’t open the door gently, not caring if it startled the person standing behind it. His eyes were met by three girls he vaguely recognized. They were Zoe’s friends. The friends he didn’t like and didn’t like him.

“What do you want?” He asked flatly.

“Is Zoe home?” One of them asked. Her name started with an A. She would wave at him in the hallway her first week in high school because she knew he was Zoe’s brother. She stopped after hearing the rumors Zoe hadn’t told her.

“No,” he stated.

“That’s not true,” another spoke up. She used to spend a lot of time at the house. At least, she had before witnessing the tail end of one of Connor’s episodes.

“She’s not home,” he said a little more forcefully.

“We just want to talk to her, it’s not—”

“Fucking leave,” he all but screamed.

All three of them flinched at that. Connor slammed the door. They didn’t ring the doorbell after that, and he was almost positive he heard their car pulling out of the driveway.

When he got back to his room Zoe and Evan weren’t talking. Zoe’s face was a mixture of embarrassment and anger, while Evan just looked embarrassed. It was probably second hand.

“Are you not talking to your friends?” The words came out of his mouth before he could better shape them

“It’s not a big deal,” she brushed off. “You wanna watch the rest of the movie?”

“Is it because of me?” He asked.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she said through her teeth.

“That means it is,” he’d been the cause of everyone’s problems for long enough to read that much.

“I told you not to answer the door.” Her voice was harsh. Probably harsher than she meant it to be, but Connor wasn’t good at evaluating situations. He wasn’t good at telling himself that he wasn’t pissed off at her. If anything he was pissed off on her behalf.

“I’m sorry that the doorbell was giving me a fucking headache, Zoe!” He seethed. “I’m sorry you’re to scared to tell those stupid cunts to fuck off yourself!”

“You have to make everything an argument, don’t you?” She wasn’t shouting anymore. She just sounded disappointed. “Don’t call them that. They’re jerks but at least they actually gave a shit about me when you only talked to me to say you were gonna fucking kill me.”

She left the room at that. Connor watched her go. He felt numb. His entire body felt numb.

“Connor.”

He’d almost forgotten Evan was there.

“You should go,” he didn’t look at Evan as he spoke. He didn’t need to see him curl in on himself.

“It’s okay, you don’t—”

“It’s not okay,” Connor scoffed. “Look, just leave, alright?”

“Okay,” Evan mumbled. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Right.” Connor waited until Evan left the room before collapsing on his bed.

Connor didn’t tell Zoe’s friends to go away because he was annoyed. Well, sure that had been why he went to the door but he could have told her she needed to go talk to them. She wouldn’t have listened, she would have gotten mad and maybe felt betrayed, but he could have done that just as easily as yelled at them to leave. If he had, at least there would be the chance they wouldn’t go around tell everyone at their school how he’d screamed at them.

He’d chosen to protect her. Then he’d ruined it. He could have not said anything, and the three of them could have watched the movie, and it could have been a nice moment.

“Mom says dinner’s in a hour,” Zoe didn’t tap on his doorway before announcing this.

“Okay,” Connor didn’t need to look up to know she wasn’t walking away.

“I wanna talk, okay?” She sounded like she was forcing the words out.

“I don’t,” he said stiffly.

“Well, too bad,” she entered the room now. “I’m not budging this time.”

“Because there isn’t an audience to see your bad side?” He looked at her now. She didn’t look angry.

“I didn’t want to fight in front of your only friend,” she sat on the edge of his bed. “It wasn’t because of whatever you think it is.”

She sighed now. He didn’t say anything.

“You make it really hard, you know?” She sounded sad. That was new. “You treat everything like its a battle and that’s not how life works.”

Connor bit back his argument. She was here because she was laying her armor down. She was making that sacrifice for him. He’d make his. He wouldn’t tell her that he needed to fight because at least then he wasn’t reaching for nothing, that she was never going to understand that things that were easy for her were not for him.

“I’m sorry,” he uttered.

“Do you wanna know why I’m actually not talking to my friends?” She asked suddenly.

He didn’t tell her that he didn’t want to hear some lie she’d concocted to make him feel better. He stopped himself from deciding that she wasn’t going to tell the truth to him because she thought she had to censor her life on his behalf. She wasn’t their parents. She didn’t do that.

“Okay,” he nodded.

“So there was this party,” she started. “And, yeah I go to parties sometimes now. I don’t even know why, it’s not like I have any fun. It’s just…”

“It makes you feel normal?” He risked asking.

“For lack of better words,” she nodded.

“I won’t tell Mom,” he promised.

“I didn’t think you would,” she almost smiled.

“What happened at the party?” He asked.

“There was this girl,” Zoe sighed. “She goes to another school. We both thought it was really loud so we went to a room that no one else was, and I guess we just started talking. I think I was stressed or something, usually I never tell anyone anything personal but she was different. It was like talking to a blank wall, she didn’t know enough to judge me.”

“You told her about our family?” Connor asked.

“It started with that,” Zoe closed her eyes. “Then, I, um, I told her something I haven’t told anyone and, well one thing led to another, and I don’t know what I was thinking—”

“You sound like Evan,” he informed her.

“Oh.”

“Breath,” he instructed. “What did you tell her?”

“I’m bi,” Zoe stated.

Connor blinked at her. That was so far from anything he ever thought that she’d confess to him. It both didn’t make sense and made so much sense.

“Okay,” he uttered.

“That’s it?” She raise an eyebrow.

“Yeah,” he nodded. “That’s it. Did that girl react differently?”

“She kissed me,” Zoe whispered. “And I kissed her back. And it was great. I mean, I liked it, and so did she, and it was nice.”

“But?” He asked.

“Amanda walked in,” Zoe said bitterly. “She told Morgan and Katlin. Now they’re asking me if I’m a dyke.”

Connor flinched at the word. He knew Zoe noticed.

“They kept saying that they have no problem with gay people but I have to tell them or else I’m violating them somehow,” Zoe’s hand formed a fist. “Since we used to have sleepovers in the same bed, I guess.”

“I’ll beat them up,” he decided.

“I don’t doubt you,” she laughed. “It’ll blow over. Or it won’t. I don’t know.”

“Evan sits in the hallway at lunch,” Connor voiced. “You wouldn’t have to tell him what’s going on, I think if you just asked to eat with him he wouldn’t ask that many questions. And he’s definitely not gonna judge you.”

“Okay,” she looked like she was actually considering it. “Thanks.”

“I can talk to him too, if you want,” he offered.

“That’s okay,” she said a little too quickly. “I’ll handle it.”

“Right,” he nodded.

“How does that work?” She asked a bit suddenly.

“What?” He asked back.

“You and Evan,” she said a little sheepishly. “I mean, I’m glad you have a friend, and he’s really nice. But how does it work?”

“I honestly have no idea,” he sighed.

Chapter Text

A week after Zoe came out to him, Connor was pretty sure that they were going to be okay. It felt like that conversation had mended the bridge between them. Sure, it was still a little bit awkward or weird that they were suddenly talking again, but they were talking. They were actually talking about shit that mattered and shit that didn’t matter like real siblings that loved each other.

They never talked about what was wrong with him, but that was fine by Connor. She had to deal with his shit for her entire life, he didn’t want the relationship they were fixing to pivot on that. That weekend their mother had lifted Connor’s punishment for the car, and Zoe now talked about them taking a drive to the orchard they used to go to as kids. It would take a while to convince their parents to let them go alone, but Connor could wait. It was nice to have something to look forward to.

That didn’t mean there weren’t bad days.

Sometimes it hurt Connor’s ears to listen to anyone’s voice regardless of how much he didn’t hate them or how better he was getting at letting go or anger. Sometimes he recognized that he should be okay and happy but all he could feel was the same bitter annoyance he cared with him for he wasn’t sure how long. Sometimes he woke up knowing that it wasn’t goin to be a good day.

His therapist said that was normal, that recovery was a process and bad days happen. He was getting better at accepting that. So was his family. They actually gave him space now.

On what felt like the worse day in a long time, Connor texted Zoe just to take Evan home at the end of the day. He couldn’t deal with interaction and the last thing he wanted to do was to lash out at his friend.

He was getting used to that word. He was getting used to not questioning if Evan really wanted to be around him or if he was just doing a good deed by putting up with Connor. Trust wasn’t easy. It was something Connor had always been shit at, but he was making a conscious effort now.

Therapy felt longer than usual that day, and he didn’t leave feeling a bit lighter like he usually did. He just felt tired and irritated.

When he got home he tried to write a letter to Evan. They didn’t write much anymore since they saw each other everyday, but Connor liked using it to clear his head. It usually cleared his head.

Today each word he scribbled felt juvenile and his messy handwriting felt like it was trying to mock him. He ended up throwing it into the trash. Well, he missed the trash can and getting up to deposit it help his downward spiraling mood.

His mom tried to check on him before Zoe got home. He’d been hoping that Evan not arriving with her would be a hint enough that he needed to be left alone.

She was worried. He understood that. She wanted to help. He understood that too.

Her voice and well meaning still grated his nerves. It took a lot not to snap. He did it. If he wasn’t feeling like absolute shit he might have beeb proud of that.

The lack of a door made his room feel so much less private. The discomfort of it worked it’s way under his skin. He settled for sitting in a corner where the doorway was less in view. He leaned his head against the wall, trying to block out his own thoughts.

He used to do worse things in this corner. The memories tried to cram their way into his brain. He hated them. He hated himself—hated what he let himself become.

His family didn’t try to call him to dinner. He appreciated that. He didn’t have much of an appetite anyway.

He took advantage of the fact that they were all in the dining room. He hadn’t done anything strenuous the entire day, in fact aside from when he was at the hospital he’d barely moved. Still, he felt gross and ached to have the sound of hot water drown out the voices in his head.

At first the shower made everything worse. He should have seen that coming. He should have stopped thinking that stepping into it wasn’t going to bring him back to that moment.

The water hurt. The steam from it seemed to surround him, masking his vision but not erasing the memories. His hair felt thick against his neck.

He didn’t realize he was crying until the sob racked his chest.

He felt hopeless, he felt alone, he felt small. He felt like nothing was different.

The sound of the water drowned out the pathetic noises he was sure his voice was making. It created a rhythm. The rhythm didn’t hurt.

Connor made his hands turn the hot water off. He surrounded himself with cold instead. Slowly, he found his way back. The steam died out—the clearness bringing it’s own clarity.

His brain let him go for the day.

It was almost nine when his phone started ringing. That on it’s own was odd. No one called Connor. The only people he ever texted was his family and never at length. He wasn’t sure he’d given his number to anyone in years.

He didn’t recognize the caller ID. He didn’t really want to answer it. He didn’t hate talking on the phone—unlike Evan who seemed mildly terrified of the idea—but he didn’t like it either. It was easier to tell a person to fuck off to their face.

It was probably a scam anyway. Their home phone used to get those all the time back when they had one. Connor’s parents used to answer in funny voices at the expense of whoever was trying to con them. That used to make him laugh.

He hit the answer button and held the phone to his ear.

“What?” He asked into the device. It was too late and he’d had too rough of a day to play nice with whoever was trying to bother him.

It was probably someone from school. Maybe one of Zoe’s friends had copied his number before their falling out. Pranking the kid who tried to kill himself seemed a little too low, but he had yelled at them not too long ago.

At first he just heard breathing. That wasn’t creepy at all.

“Who is this?” Connor asked because he didn’t like to just hang up.

“I,” a voice he knew very well stammered.

“Evan?” Connor felt regret close in around him.

“I’m sorry,” Evan sputtered. He was upset. This wasn’t just the normal stammering and unsureness that Evan carried with him everyday. His voice was shaking, something was wrong.

“What’s going on?” Connor asked, wincing at how demanding his voice came out.

“I’m sorry,” Evan repeated. “Zoe gave me your number incase of emergencies—It’s not an emergency! I’m sorry. This was a mistake—”

“Evan?” Connor tried to sound gentle. “What’s wrong? Where are you?”

“I’m at home,” Evan stated. “I’m fine. Sorry.”

“Stop apologizing,” Connor said a little too quickly.

“I need to go,” Evan’s voice was even less steady.

“No, wait—”

Connor’s plea was met with a dial tone.

This was his fault. Evan was upset, and crying, and Connor was so fucking stupid.

He knew Evan had anxiety issues. Really bad anxiety issues. He could see it when Evan talked, hell he could see it in the letters he wrote. For a bit, Connor had thought that Evan was just scared of him and in awe of Zoe but it really had nothing to do with them. Evan was skittish around everyone. That was just Evan.

Evan was unhinged right now and Connor had just made it worse.

Connor took a breath. If he tried to call Evan back he doubted he would answer. It must have been hard for Evan to even dial his number in the first place. God, Connor was so stupid.

There was a large chance Evan was home alone. He said his mother worked all the time. He said that he usually had to order pizza by himself—that was another problem because Evan didn’t like talking to the delivery people.

Evan home alone right now was not a good situation. He needed someone to calm him down, to tell him he was going to be alright. He of all people shouldn’t have to go through shit alone.

Connor was on his feet and running to his sister’s room before he fully registered what he was doing. He knocked on the door. His knock was louder than their parents’, it always had been. He only ever knocked as a warning that he was coming in anyway so she better fucking look the door if she didn’t want to deal with him.

“What’s wrong?” Zoe was sitting on her bed with a text book in front of her. She hadn’t showered yet.

“I need you to drive me to Evan’s house,” Connor said in a rush.

“What?” Zoe blinked at him. “It’s night.”

“I know,” Connor didn’t have time for this.

In a rush he told her about the phone call, he told her about the sound of Evan’s voice, and how he was certain Evan was not okay. He watched her take this in. He was her conflict melt into resolve.

“Fuck it,” she uttered.

Then they were both running for her car.

“He’s not gonna answer the door,” Connor realized as the two of them stood on the doorstep.

“I know,” Zoe bit her lip. “What do we do?”

“Did you and your friends ever break into a house?” That could have been a joke. If the situation were different.

“Did you?” She asked back.

Connor inhaled. He didn’t know how bad whatever was happening was. He didn’t know if Evan needed them to rush in immediately. This wasn’t like when Evan had broken into his house. He hadn’t had to break anything for one, and that time he knew exactly what was going on. A shaky voice on a phone wasn’t the same as a note.

“I’m gonna call him,” Zoe decided.

“He won’t answer,” Connor told her.

“Do you have any ideas?” She snapped.

“No,” Connor’s voice was just as bitter.

They weren’t mad at each other. They were worried for Evan. It was easier to connect emotions to anger. Everyone in their family did that. Well, almost everyone.

“I’m going to break one of the windows,” Connor concluded.

“What?” Zoe gapped at him.

“It might be an emergency,” Connor hissed. It was the might that was pushing him over the edge. He couldn’t just stand here. He’d rather make a rash mistake and deal with the consequences later.

“Wait,” Zoe grabbed hold on his arm. “Maybe they have one of those spare keys people put under doormats or in shoes.”

“We don’t have time,” Connor started.

“If you break the window it’s only going to make things worse,” she pressed. “Come on, help me look.”

They found the key in a matter of minutes. It was under a rock in a potted plant near the door. Connor figured Evan took care of it. Judging from the leaves he took better care of the plant than he did himself. That made too much sense.

Connor tried to wedge the key into the lock. His hands were shaking. He hadn’t realized that until now.

“Let me,” Zoe’s voice was calmer now—more controlled.

Gently she took the key from his hand and slid it into the lock, smoothly unlocking the door. This was the sister Connor admired. He knew full well that she felt every racing emotion just as strongly as he did, but instead of panicking she was rational. She thrived under pressure and she had no fucking clue.

They ran into the house. Zoe stopped in the living room.

“Maybe it should just be you,” she stated.

Connor just looked at her. Did she forget who the fuck she was talking to for a second? He was Connor Murphy. He was the spaz, the freak, the least calm and gentle person she knew. He wasn’t good with people—he wasn’t good with himself. What on earth made her think it would be better if he ran to Evan’s aid alone.

“We talk,” she started, as if hearing his unveiled questions. “But we’re not really there yet.”

“Oh,” he uttered.

“I don’t want to overwhelm him,” she added.

He nodded.

That made sense. She was smart. She stopped and thought and knew how to handle the situation. He didn’t. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do when he found Evan.

“Okay.”

He didn’t have time to freak out. This wasn’t about him. This was about the one person who had decided to be there for him without obligation. Connor wasn’t allowed to chicken out.

The house was small. The doorway of the living room took him to a small hallway. There were three doors, two of which were open to rooms with the lights off. For a second, Connor just stood in front of the third.

Should he knock? That was probably better than just barging in. Zoe would have been better at this.

Connor forced his hand to tap on the door. He heard a choked noise from inside. He couldn’t just wait for Evan to be able to get to the door. The second he entered the room he realized how stupid he was.

“Connor?” Evan was sitting on a relatively small bed with his knees pulled to his chest. “What—how are you—”

This had been a bad idea. It was an invasion. Connor hadn’t given Evan any sort of warning. He just showed up—no, he just fucking broke in to Evan’s house. That wasn’t okay. Sane people didn’t do that.

What the fuck did he think this was going to accomplish aside from scaring Evan to death. He had just ruined everything. Evan was going to hate him now.

“It’s okay,” Connor hated how untrue the words were.

He couldn’t take back being in the house. He couldn’t take back anything. The least he could do was try to help now that he was here.

“I need you to calm down,” he walked to Evan. There was panic in his eyes, but Connor knew at least some of that had been there before he knocked on the door.

“I—” Evan winced. It look painful.

He was shaking.

Connor had had two panic attacks in his life. He’d thought he was going to die both times. There hadn’t been anyone to calm him down. He wasn’t sure how anyone would have been able to, but he could try.

“Breath,” he started. As gently as he could, he placed one of his hands on Evan’s shoulder and used the other to guide his face away from his knees. “I’m gonna count to seven, I want you to inhale as I’m counting, okay?”

Connor went through the breathing exercises his therapist had taught him for when he felt like he was tipping over the edge. He counted over and over again, until slowly Evan began to uncurl from himself. He didn’t relax, but his death grip in the sheets in front of him loosened. Connor wasn’t sure how much time had passed. He didn’t care.

“I’m sorry,” he said once he was sure Evan could focus on his words. “I shouldn’t have just showed up, or broken in—God, I’m such a fucking idiot.”

“You’re not,” Evan said in a small voice. He was looking up at Connor with eyes that didn’t hold anger. He just looked exhausted.

“Your call kinda scared me,” Connor put it mildly. “I just wanted to make sure you were alright.”

“I wasn’t,” Evan admitted, his gaze dropping from Connor to the sheets in front of him.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Connor let himself sit at the side of the bed.

“You’ve done enough,” Evan gave him a thoughtful look. “You probably should get home, aren’t you not supposed to go out at night?”

“It’s fine,” Connor brushed off. “My parents sleep like rocks. Forget about them. Did something happen today?”

“Kinda,” Evan said softly.

“You can tell me,” Connor covered Evan’s hand with his. “I mean, you don’t have to, but you’ve put up with all my shit. I can listen too, you know?”

“It was just a bad day,” Evan exhaled, a pained expression taking over his face. “School was really hard. Nothing really happened, but—it doesn’t make sense but sometimes I just can’t be okay. Like normal things like walking down a hallway make me want to throw up.”

“I think it makes sense,” Connor told him.

“I thought it’d be better when I got home, but,” Evan stopped himself. Connor watched him cut his own thought off.

“But what?” He asked in as undemanding a voice as he could muster.

“You didn’t want to see me today,” Evan’s torso sank slightly. “I mean, that’s fine. I show up everyday, you should get a break from me, I just—I thought that maybe you didn’t want me to come over because you’re getting better and you don’t really need me anymore.”

Connor felt his stomach sink.

“I thought maybe this was it and,” Evan winced. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t gonna call. I really wasn’t, but then I started panicking, and I think I did it before I realized I was doing it. When you answered I just—I couldn’t breathe.”

“I’m glad you called,” Connor meant this. He meant this so fucking much. “You shouldn’t have to be alone when you feel like this.”

“You shouldn’t have to worry about me,” Evan said back.

“That’s not true,” Connor said a little too strongly. “I didn’t want you to come over because I was having a shitty day too. It didn’t have to do with anything or anyone, I just felt like crap. I couldn’t be around anyone.”

“Oh,” Evan uttered.

“I didn’t want to lash out at you,” Connor felt a small smile form on his face. “You’re kinda the one decent thing in my life. Me not wanting you to come over really had nothing to do with you.”

“I’m sorry,” Evan murmured.

“Please don’t be,” Connor said softly.

“I get needing to be alone,” Evan voiced. “I think that would have been me today if I hadn’t had to go to school.”

“Yeah,” Connor nodded.

“Thank you,” Evan stated. “You didn’t have to come over, or even read into the call at all.”

“I’m your friend, aren’t I?”

The next thing Connor knew Evan was hugging him. It was awkward, but not uncomfortable. It felt safe. It reminded him that the both of them were safe together. He felt something warm in his chest.

This wasn’t the right moment for that feeling. It wasn’t the right moment for Connor to realize that he liked the contact. It wasn’t the right moment for him to realize that Evan Hansen had always been kinda cute.

“You should go,” Evan told him. “In case your parents wake up.”

“Right,” Connor nodded. “You have my number. If you need anything, let me know, okay?”

“Okay,” Evan agreed. “Thank you.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Connor promised.

Zoe didn’t ask a lot of questions on the way back. She could probably tell how drained he was. It was hard not to feel a little good that her not pestering him for details meant that maybe she trusted that if everything wasn’t okay he’d tell her.

They didn’t wake their parents upon entering the house. Zoe knew how to sneak in quietly. Connor raised an eyebrow at that.

“Is this a habit of yours?” He asked outright.

“It was one party,” Zoe said flatly. “I’d kinda have to have friends to go to another.”

Once he was back in his room, Connor wanted nothing more than to fall asleep. Being dead to the world for a few hours sounded like bliss. His mind had never been a fan of that concept.

Maybe it made sense for him to have a crush on Evan Hansen. Honestly it made more sense for feelings to grow then for them not to. Evan had saved Connor’s life. In a matter of weeks he had worked his way into Connor’s world. He had become the only person who Connor was pretty sure he could be himself around.

Evan was heroic in a strange and quiet way. He was good looking. Connor had eyes enough to recognize that. He had a soft, sweet thing to him. Most of the guys Connor had harbored short lived crushes on were pieces of shit compared to Evan.

Connor knew he was gay. He’d known for a long fucking time, but there were already so many things that made him different that coming out had never seemed like a good idea. He was pretty sure Zoe knew, but she hadn’t even asked when she’d come out to him.

Evan might know. He’d read part of Connor’s journal.

Maybe that was okay. Evan wouldn’t judge him for that alone. As long as Connor tried to keep his feelings to himself, that is.

He couldn’t act on whatever the fuck was humming in his chest. Evan was his only friend. He was the one relationship Connor hadn’t fucked up yet. He wasn’t going to jeopardize that.

Chapter Text

Evan and Connor didn’t talk about the night he showed up at Evan’s house. Evan knew that they both thought about it what and the pretty insane gesture meant, but he didn’t need to relive it.

The next week felt lighter. Evan wasn’t sure if it was the high that came after a low, or him holding on to the fact that Connor had cared enough to pull him out of it. He didn’t care. He liked where he was—where they both were. He didn’t need to understand how they got there.

Evan was pretty sure Connor had something to do with why Zoe was now eating lunch with him in the middle of the hallway. She started doing this the day after Evan had witnessed their fight. He’d asked her if she was alright, and she’d smiled brightly at him and said she was great.

He wanted to know more, but it wasn’t really his place. He wanted to know what had happened between her and her friends, because it didn’t feel like she was just spending time with him because he was Connor’s friend. This wasn’t her trying to be a good sister, this was her needing a place.

Evan didn’t realize people like her could feel like that.

“Would you ever want to go on a date with me?”

The question seemed to come out of no where. They were parked outside of Evan’s house. They’d been sitting there for about a minute, Evan had just finished the story he was telling her. He was about to get out of the car.

She wasn’t looking at him. Her eyes were on her hands. It reminded him of her brother. She wasn’t the smooth, collected Zoe he’d gotten to know. She looked hesitant, maybe even embarrassed.

Evan felt his mouth go dry. How did he respond to that? How did he still know how to breathe after that?

“I,” his voice was higher than normal.

He could feel his heart hammering in his chest. For the first time in a while, he thought it might be due to excitement. Zoe Murphy had just asked him out. The girl he’d had a crush on for ages had just asked him out.

“Can I think about it?” He blurted.

It took a second for her to process this. The disappointment was quickly masked.

“Yeah,” she nodded, then smiled. “Of course. Sorry, I kinda sprung that.”

“I want to,” Evan stammered. “I really want to, I just—this sort of stuff is hard for me.”

“Oh,” there was a light in her eyes. “Yeah. That makes sense.”

“Sorry,” he said sheepishly.

“Don’t be,” she sounded sincere. “I get it. Probably more than you think I do. Seriously, take all the time you need.”

“Thanks,” Evan smiled at her. “I’ll, um, I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” she nodded.

He exited the car and tried very hard not to bolt into his house.

Evan wanted to say yes. His crush on Zoe was different than the silent one he’d nursed while not really knowing her, but she was still the same Zoe. She was still smart, and beautiful, and he’d still liked her for a long time without expecting her to so much as look at him.

He wanted to say yes. But then there was Connor.

Evan was Connor’s friend first. That had always been the unspoken agreement between the three of them. What if Connor didn’t want him to date Zoe?

Connor had gotten mad when he found out about the crush. It would be fair for him to think that Evan wasn’t good enough for her. That was true. Evan knew that, on some level maybe even Zoe knew that. But this wasn’t what was bothering him.

Connor was doing better but that didn’t mean he wasn’t still fragile. They all were. What if Evan dating Zoe made Connor think he’d only ever been his friend to get to her?

Evan wasn’t going to come between the two siblings that had only just started being close again, and he couldn’t loose his best friend like this.

Still, he didn’t know how to say no without feeling like he was lying to both Zoe and himself.

It took several hours and several spiraled thoughts for Evan to call Connor. Like the last time Evan had dialed the number, he didn’t feel fully coherent. That was probably a good thing. If he was the act of doing so probably would have freaked him out more.

He hated how he always had to react like this. He hated that everything always felt like life and death. This really was the most low stakes conflicted he’d had to deal with in months and he felt sick over it. Hell, Evan felt sick over the thought of ordering pizza.

Why was he like this?

“Hey,” Connor sounded confused. Evan was glad he knew Connor well enough to be able to read his voice. If not this would have been so much more scary. It was already terrifying. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Evan chirped a little too quickly and a little too high.

“Yeah,” Connor took in a breath. “You voluntarily making a phone call isn’t nothing.”

Evan should have expected this reaction.

“I’m okay,” he tried.

“Really?” Connor was probably raising an eyebrow. He could read Evan just as well as Evan could read him.

“Your sister asked me out,” Evan let the words tumble from his lips.

“What?” Connor’s voice was dumbfounded. Evan wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad sign. “Why are you telling me that?”

“Because your friendship is important to me,” Evan stated.

“Don’t you like her?” Connor asked. Evan knew he was remembering the conversation they’d had.

“I think so,” Evan admitted. “I mean, yeah, but if you don’t want me to date her I won’t.”

“I don’t understand,” Connor told him.

Evan took a breath. He’d hoped that he and Connor were close enough to the same wave length that he wouldn’t have to go into all of this. He knew what he felt and believed, but putting it to words was different. It was harder and it left so much room for Connor not to understand.

“I know I wasn’t there for everything with you and Zoe—I mean, of course I wasn’t. It would be weird if it was,” this was hard. This was really, really hard. “But I think I kinda get it. Like, I get that things are getting better but it’s still hard.”

“Yeah,” Connor said.

“I don’t want to be the one to mess that up,” Evan said honestly. “I care about you—both of you.”

“I know you do,” Connor’s voice was hard to read.

“No,” Evan winced. “I care about you more than I say I do. I mean—God, I’m bad at this. I mean, I don’t talk about things because words are hard, but you’re really important to me.”

“I understand that,” Connor voiced.

“You’re the most important person I have in my life,” Evan uttered. Maybe it took until this second for him to realize this, but that didn’t make it any less true. “I know that you think this started because I was worried after saving you—and that’s fair because it’s kinda true—but that’s not what it is now.”

Connor was silent.

“I like talking to you,” Evan said. “And hanging out with you. I just—I don’t think I could ever give that up. Sorry. I didn’t mean to go off like that.”

“Don’t apologize,” Connor’s voice was numb.

“Okay,” Evan said meekly.

“You mean all of that?” Connor asked softly. “You really do?”

“Yeah,” Evan stated.

He listened to Connor breath.

“I’m fine with you dating my sister,” Connor finally said. “It’s kinda weird, but I’d rather the two of you be together than you date some chick from our school or her hook up with some ass who’s not good enough for her.”

“You’re sure?” Evan asked.

“As long as nothing changes between us,” Connor told him. “We’re still friends.”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded even though Connor couldn’t see him.

“And if you guys fight I don’t have to pick a side,” Connor added.

“Right,” Evan laughed a little.

“I should go,” Connor told him. “We’re gonna eat dinner soon.”

“Okay,” Evan said. “Thanks.”

“Wait, Evan?” Connor said before Evan had the chance to hang up.

“Yeah?”

“It goes without saying that if you hurt her, I’ll break your other arm, right?” He asked.

“Yeah,” Evan laughed again. “But I won’t.”

“I know,” Connor replied. “I trust you.”

They went to a diner near the Murphy’s house. Evan didn’t like movie theaters, and Zoe didn’t like restaurants where wearing jeans was seen as improper. The date felt casual. Well, Evan was pretty sure it did. He didn’t exactly have anything to compare it to.

He was wearing the same shirt he’d worn to school that day. He thought about changing, but after Zoe complaining about restaurant dress codes he thought that she’s appreciate it more if he didn’t. Then he thought that maybe she expected him to, and spent an hour debating this and wondering if he should swallow his pride and ask Jared for advice.

He hadn’t told Jared about Zoe asking him out. In the back of his mind, he knew that was odd. Jared used to be the first—and only—person he came to with any sort of news.

Zoe picked him up and made a comment about screwing gender roles. Evan laughed, and Zoe grinned at him, and he suddenly felt incredibly relaxed.

Dinner was fun.

Evan didn’t feel the pressure to act however normal people acted on dates. They just laughed and talked like they always did. It was nice. Evan was having fun. It looked like Zoe was too.

Even as he recognized this, something buried inside him was incredibly uncomfortable with all of this. It was difficult to understand. He wasn’t used to feeling so completely as ease and on edge at the same time. He wanted to push the twisting in his gut away, but it wouldn’t subside. He didn’t know how to make it.

“This is nice,” Zoe voiced after their desert had been served. She wasn’t looking at him for the first time that night.

“Yeah,” Evan said a little hoarsely.

“I’m really having fun,” she added, her hand unconsciously crumbling her napkin. “And you’re great—you really are—but, um, I don’t know how to say this.”

“Something feels wrong?” Evan offered.

“Yeah,” her eyes met his. “You too?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “It feels like we’re betraying him.”

“He said he was fine with this,” Zoe sighed. “I think he meant it.”

“He probably did,” Evan realized. If both him and Zoe couldn’t tell that Connor was lying, then it was likely he had been telling the truth. “That doesn’t mean we have to be.”

“You’re right,” Zoe smiled at him. “You wanna head in early? See if he wants to watch a movie or something.”

“Sure,” Evan agreed. “We’re, um, we’re still friends right?”

“Of course,” Zoe looked at him seriously. “I think I like it better that way.”

“Me too,” Evan whole heartedly agreed.

Connor seemed really confused when the two of them showed up and hour earlier than they said they would and roped him into watching the first movie Zoe grabbed with them. He didn’t ask any questions, and when Zoe brightly told him that it wasn’t meant to be he just nodded. It was only when she skipped off to make popcorn that he turned to Evan.

“Are you okay?” Connor looked worried. He looked a lot more worried than Evan deserved from him.

“Yeah,” Evan meant this.

“I mean, really,” Connor was tying to read his face. “What happened?”

“It didn’t feel right,” Evan shrugged.

“For you or her?” He asked.

“Both of us,” Evan told him. “Seriously, it was mutual.”

“Okay,” Connor nodded, but he still looked skeptical.

“I’m fine,” Evan added. “I’m great, actually.”

“Good,” Connor’s eyes had an unreadable look in them.

Chapter Text

Saturdays had become the the most boring day of the week for Connor. Zoe had mandatory jazz band rehearsal in the morning—something about an upcoming recital—and had started the spend the rest of the day out of the house. She was trying to make more friends in the jazz band, since most of these people weren’t connected to the drama she was trying to distance herself from.

The house was a lot quieter without her in it. Connor’s mom did most of her shopping as well as going to meetings for the many clubs she involved herself in on that day, since Connor didn’t need her to drive him through and fro appointments. His dad watched sports games for most of the day, and since Connor detested all sports he did not join.

That left him with little to do.

When the doorbell started ringing the Saturday morning after Evan and Zoe’s failed date—and event that still perplexed Connor—he half expected it to be Zoe’s former friends again. He answered it, thinking it would be easier for him to scared them away than his father to.

He wasn’t sure if his parents even knew Zoe was fighting with her friends in the first place. He doubted she could tell them she was without saying part of the story. That wasn’t going to happen any time soon.

He wasn’t really sure why. Zoe was a lot more confident than he was, and she had a lot less wrong with her. Their parents were accepting—for the most part. He didn’t understand what was stopping her from coming out, at least to their family.

When he pulled the door open he was surprised to see not the three girls who’s names he could never remember, but Alana Beck. She was grinning at him. Connor wasn’t sure he’d ever seen her face do anything but grin. She was one of those people who radiated positivity. It made him dizzy.

“Zoe’s not home,” he informed her.

“I know,” Alana stated. “Jazz band has practice right now.”

“Okay,” Connor drew out the word. “Can I help you?”

“Actually,” Alana started. “I thought I could help you.”

“What?” He gave her the deadeye stare that always pissed his dad off.

“You’re probably going to come back to school next semester, right?” She asked, either ignoring or not even noticing the glare.

“Yeah,” Connor admitted. “How did you—”

“I thought that maybe I could help catch you up on what you’re missing now,” Alana kept talking. “Since you can’t really expect to graduate this May without doing some prep work now.”

If Connor was being completely honest with himself, he was fully aware that she was right. He’d known this at the back of his mind, but decided not to worry about school for the time being. If he got held back that would suck, but it was just one more year and it wasn’t like his family had grounds to not understand.

One more year in high school. One more year of hell.

“What do you want?” Connor asked the girl standing in front of him.

“I just told you,” Alana started.

“I mean,” Connor took a breath. He willed himself not to snap at her. He was getting better at not snapping, but his pool of interaction didn’t extend much outside of Evan and his family. “What’s in it for you?”

“Nothing,” Alana told him.

Yeah. Like he was gonna fucking buy that.

“Go home,” he told her. He couldn’t handle trying to decipher this girl.

“I won’t charge, if that’s what you’re asking,” she informed him. “And we don’t have to work that much. Just so you don’t get overwhelmed later.”

“You’re overwhelming me now.”

Alana looked like she actually heard him this time. She was taking in his words, his expression, the fact that his hands were fists at his sides. He quickly relaxed them. He wasn’t trying to look aggressive. He didn’t feel aggressive, but digging his nails into his palms was the easiest way to keep him grounded.

He didn’t want Alana to think the wrong thing. He didn’t want to scare her. Only she didn’t look scared, she looked hurt.

Connor sighed.

He could suffer through humoring Alana Beck. She was still the only person outside of his family aside from Evan would at least acted like she gave a shit about him. He didn’t want fake pity or help that was out of a need to do good, but it was better than nothing.

“I’m sorry,” he told her. She couldn’t tell that they were hard words to say. She probably couldn’t tell if he meant them. “You wanna come inside?”

“That would be nice,” she replied.

“Great,” he said dryly.

Connor led her into the living room. He never liked spending extended time in the kitchen, and he wasn’t going to bring her to his room. That was a private space, even if he didn’t have privacy anymore.

His father was reading the newspaper and sitting the armchair that had been claimed as his since before Connor was born. He raised an eyebrow when Connor walked into the room, followed by a girl he’d never seen before. Connor wanted to groan at that. He shook his head in a short motion, hoping that his father understood that this was definitely not what it looked like.

“Dad, this is Alana,” he stated. “She’s gonna help me with school stuff.”

“For when he comes back,” Alana added in a cheery tone. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Connor let himself sink into the couch as his dad and Alana engaged at incredibly not smooth small talk. He could pinpoint the exact moment his father realized that she was not going to stop talking, and decided that he’d “get out of their hair.” Connor rolled his eyes. Neither of them saw.

“So what classes were you in?” Alana asked as she sat down next to him.

“Look,” Connor needed to word this carefully. “I appreciate that you want to help—I really do—but I don’t need a babysitter.”

“I know,” Alana stated.

“And you’re not gonna be able to teach me anything,” he informed her. “They think I’m unteachable.”

“No one’s unteachable,” she rolled her eyes. “You just haven’t had a reason to try before.”

Connor opened his mouth to retort, but that was kind of true. He’d never cared about school, because he’d seen life after that as just another inevitable failure. It didn’t matter if he studied hard, he wasn’t going to get into a good school, he wasn’t going to one day decide that working at his dad’s firm didn’t sound like hell, and he wasn’t going to amount to anything.

Things were supposed to be different now.

“I got most of the core credits out of the way last year,” Connor told Alana. “If I wanna graduate I think I need to take the final for English and History and somehow know whatever the fuck is gonna be on the test, and then take every class I can next semester.”

“You think they’ll let you take it?” She asked.

“My mom does,” Connor shrugged. “I kinda trusted her on that.”

“Okay,” Alana grinned at him. “History and English. I think we can manage that.”

“I’m done,” Connor declared. “My head hurts and this is all I’m going to fucking remember.”

“That’s fair,” Alana told him. “Just go over your notes before next Saturday.”

“This is gonna be a weekly thing?” He asked.

“Saturday is my only free day,” Alana explained. “I have my internship and clubs after school every week day, and I used Sundays to study so I don’t get behind.”

“You’re dedicated,” Connor said dryly.

“I am,” Alana said proudly.

“Why are you really here?” He asked her.

“I already told you—”

“Yeah, and I call bullshit,” Connor cut her off. “I know you’re nice, but no one offers to teach the school freak out of being nice.”

“You shouldn’t call yourself that,” her mouth formed a line.

“I mean it,” Connor pressed. “I won’t even get pissed off. What do you want?”

He watched her consider his words. That was a good sign. Alana wasn’t the type of person that took in pauses, her stopping to think about what he was asking her meant he was getting somewhere. It felt weird to focus on reading someone that wasn’t Evan or Zoe.

“I’m worried,” she said finally.

“I don’t want sympathy,” he told her honestly. “I hate sympathy.”

“I’m not just worried about you,” she almost snapped.

“What?” Connor blinked at her.

“Never mind,” she shook her head, and started shoving her books into her bag. “I’ll see you next weekend, I should go before—”

“Alana,” Connor caught hold of her arm before she could bolt from the room.

“Please.” The word didn’t hurt to say like his pride told him it would. He felt open, despite being the one asking for openness. He felt like he wasn’t hiding from someone who wasn’t Evan or his family.

“You can’t get mad,” Alana informed him bluntly. “Or else I’ll leave.”

“That’s fair,” he echoed her words from earlier.

“Okay,” she sat back down. “I’m worried about Zoe.”

Connor took this in. Usually that would piss him off. Usually someone only reaching out to him because of his sister would send him into a whirlwind of hurt and anger, but something inside him stopped the spiral. Something told him to play it cool.

“You want to help her?” He asked.

“I do want to help you too,” she added quickly. “That wasn’t a lie.”

“Yeah, I get it,” he waved his hand dismissively. “But Zoe?”

“She doesn’t like me,” Alana informed him. “Which, I understand. She thinks I’m like all the other people pretending to care when they just want to feel good about themselves or to get a new piece of gossip.”

Not too long ago Connor would have filed Alana into that crowd. It was easier to think that someone like her was just trying to give herself one more accomplishment instead of actually attempting to make a difference to someone. Connor couldn’t think of what Alana would get out of teaching him History. Last he checked informally tutoring suicidal kids outside of school wasn’t something you could put on a resumé.

“Why do you care about her?” Connor asked, trying his best to keep accusation from his voice.

“I don’t know,” Alana shook her head. “I just do. I think I could help, but she doesn’t want to talk to me. I thought maybe you could tell her I’m not a complete idiot.”

“You like her,” Connor realized out loud.

“Yeah,” Alana closed her eyes. “It’s stupid, right?”

No, not really. When Evan had frantically called Connor asking if he was alright with Zoe asking Evan out, the one thing stopping the anger and pang of jealousy was that Connor had thought they would be a good fit. He thought that Evan was caring and Zoe was exciting and that they would balance each other out.

Instead they’d decided that they didn’t match after all. Evan had stated that being in a romantic setting with each other made them uncomfortable. It felt too much like they were both chasing what they thought but didn’t feel was right for them.

It wouldn’t be like that with Alana. She was stubborn, and different enough for Zoe that it might work. On top of that she knew what she felt. Zoe needed someone like that. She had to deal with too many uncertainties as is.

“Okay,” Connor said out loud. “You help me not drop out of high school, and I’ll help you woo my sister.”

“What?” Alana gaped at him.

He wanted to take a second to be proud that he’d managed to cause that reaction from her. He doubted anyone he knew could boast that they’d succeeded in dumbfounding Alana Beck.

“I’ll help you talk to her,” he stated.

“Why?”

“I think you’d be cute,” he shrugged. “And, believe it or not, I want my sister to be happy.”

Chapter Text

“Your cast is gone,” Connor commented when Evan walked into his room.

It was a Monday. Evan had gotten the cast off that Saturday. It felt odd not to see Connor’s name on his arm. In a confusing way, the cast had felt like it was a symbol of their friendship. It was the tangible evidence that Connor had reached out too.

“Yeah,” Evan looked at his arm.

He shouldn’t feel this different. He should feel better. After all, the cast was just a reminder of how he’d broken his arm in the first place.

“Hey, if I tell you something, can you promise you won’t tell anyone?” Connor suddenly asked.

“Doesn’t that go for everything you tell me?” Evan asked back.

He took a seat on Connor’s bed. Connor was sprawled out across it, Zoe’s computer in front of him. Evan was pretty sure at this point the device was more Connor’s than Zoe’s.

“I mean, you can’t tell Zoe,” Connor clarified.

“Oh,” Evan took that in. “I don’t tell her the other stuff.”

“I know,” Connor said quickly. “But this thing is specifically a secret from her.”

“Are you in trouble?” Evan asked point blank.

“Not this time,” Connor gave him a dry smile. He did that more often now.

“Did something happen?” Evan asked, worry tempting to creep in.

“No,” Connor shook his head. “Or nothing bad happened.”

“Okay,” Evan nodded. “I won’t tell your sister.”

“Thanks,” Connor looked sincere when he said this. It put a warm feeling in Evan’s stomach that he didn’t really understand.

“So?” Evan prompted.

“Alana Beck showed up here yesterday,” Connor stated.

“Oh,” Evan gaged Connor’s expression. He didn’t look annoyed. He should. Evan knew how much Connor hated people from their school. He knew how much Connor hated people pushing their way into his business.

“She’s gonna help me catch up on school shit,” Connor told him.

“That’s nice of her,” Evan voiced.

“Yeah,” Connor hummed.

He looked content. This was a good day.

“You’re okay with that?” Evan asked him.

“She was very persistent.” There was an edge to Connor’s voice now.

“That’s Alana,” Evan stated.

“I need the help,” Connor added. “And she means well.”

“She usually does,” Evan believed this. Even when Alana was grating on everyone’s nerves and causing him to panic, she never meant anything but to help. “Why can’t I tell Zoe?”

“Oh,” a look Evan didn’t recognize crossed Connor’s face. “I just don’t think she’d get it.”

“Right,” Evan didn’t see why she wouldn’t.

“I’ll tell her at some point,” Connor added.

“I’m not judging,” Evan felt the need to add.

“I know,” Connor smiled at him. “But I don’t think Alana’s gonna tell anyone, so I’d rather no one know.”

“That you need help?” Evan asked.

“Sort of,” Connor grimaced. “Not that it’s much of a surprise.”

“I wouldn’t have anyone to tell aside from Zoe,” Evan added. “And I wouldn’t have told her even if you didn’t ask me not to. We don’t talk about you, you know?”

“It’s fine if you do,” Connor shrugged. “You both have to deal with me.”

“That’s not a bad thing,” Evan needed Connor to hear.

“Right,” Connor shrugged again. “What about Kleinman?”

“What about him?” Evan blinked.

“You said you had no one to tell aside from Zoe,” Connor clarified. “You have him, right?”

“I guess,” Evan exhaled.

Things with Jared were complicated. Or maybe they were too nonexistent to be complicated. They weren’t not talking, but they weren’t talking either. Evan found himself making more of an effort than he used to. He wasn’t sure if Jared was doing the same. He couldn’t really pinpoint what had changed, aside from Jared making less insults and keeping to himself a bit more.

He still ate lunch with other people and talked about his camp friends. He was still Jared. It was just different. Evan wasn’t sure he liked different, and he was pretty sure Jared did not.

“It’s weird,” Evan said out loud.

“Yeah?” Connor looked at him, expecting him to elaborate.

“We don’t talk a lot,” Evan tried to simplify. “I don’t think he’s mad at me, or that I’m mad at him, but we don’t talk that much.”

“Wouldn’t you know if you were mad at him?” Connor asked.

“I don’t know,” Evan stated honestly.

That was always how it was with Jared. Evan barely knew how he was supposed to react to the things Jared said or did. If they were normal, he supposed he should have been mad more often. He tried to gage how to react to things based on what was expected of him. It was confusing and he wasn’t sure Jared realized how difficult it was for him. The only time Evan had ever really been actually mad was when Jared had told people about Connor.

That felt like so long ago now.

“It’s weird,” Evan stated.

“You say that a lot,” Connor informed him.

Evan guessed he did.

“Sorry,” he murmured.

“I thought we got passed that,” Connor was giving him a look Evan didn’t understand.

“Right,” Evan stammered. “Sorry—I mean—”

Connor laughed.

“I don’t get you and Kleinman,” Connor informed him. “Even before we were friends, I didn’t get why anyone would hang out with him.”

“He’s not that bad,” Evan voiced. “We’ve known each other for a really long time.”

“And that makes you close?” Connor asked.

“I wouldn’t say that,” Evan voiced honestly. “I don’t know. I think it’s my fault things aren’t normal right now. I need to try more.”

“Is you not trying the problem?” Connor asked skeptically.

Evan was scared it was. He was scared that after years of being the good sort of friend, he was going to be the one to ruin it. He was going to be the one to let the friendship fade away, because he didn’t know how the talk to Jared and it had taken figuring out how to talk to Connor and Zoe to realize he never really had.

“I think so,” Evan sighed.

“You’re right,” Connor uttered.

“What?” Evan looked at him.

“It is weird,” a small smirk played at Connor’s lips.

“Funny,” Evan huffed.

“Have you ever thought about just talking to him about it?” Connor asked.

“No,” Evan stated.

“Okay,” Connor started. “But as someone who never fucking talks when theres an issue, it’s kinda the easiest way to make problems go away.”

“Not running and hiding?” Evan asked.

“Surprisingly no,” Connor smirked again.

“Do you and Zoe talk more now?” Evan wondered. “Sorry, we don’t have to talk about her, but I haven’t asked in a while, and yeah.”

“Do you really not have feelings for her anymore?” Connor questioned.

“I don’t,” Evan told him.

Evan wasn’t sure he ever really had. It was so much easier to recognize that after the failed date. He hadn’t known Zoe when he had thought he loved her. She wasn’t a person to him, she was an idea. She was the beautiful, confident girl that he could never have. She wasn’t anything like the person he’d gotten to know.

“She hangs out with you at school, right?” Connor asked.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded.

Evan liked the friendship he’d grown with Zoe more than the fake relationship he used to yearn for. He could talk to her without being scared that he was going to embarrass himself. Being around Zoe was easy. Evan didn’t need to worry about what she was thinking or what he was saying.

Not that he worried when he was talking to Connor—well, he did a little bit.

“I think I might get my driving privileges back soon,” Connor stated casually.

“Really?” Evan could see Connor trying and failing to be nonchalant.

He was excited. Evan wished he was more open about emotions like that.

“My mom thinks I can handle freedom,” Connor shrugged. “At least she does right now, I don’t know how long it’s gonna last.”

“Right,” Evan stated. “What about your dad?”

“I think as long as I’m not buying weed he’s fine with it,” Connor said evenly.

“Are you?” Evan blurted. “Buying weed, I mean.”

“No,” Connor looked almost offended. “I’m not anymore.”

“I’m proud of you,” Evan needed to add.

“You sound like Zoe,” Connor said dryly.

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Evan laughed.

It had taken a long time, but Evan was pretty sure he understood what he and Connor had. They were closed off people, Evan had known that from the start. Neither of them were used to normal friendships, and what they had was in no way a normal friendship. Nothing could take back how they met and Evan was glad for that. Part of him was always going to be afraid of Connor seeing the worst parts of him, but Evan was startling to realize that if he was going to show it to anyone it would be Connor.

They trusted each other, because they understood where they were. Evan wasn’t with Connor when it shifted. He was actually with Jared.

It was a Saturday. Evan had asked if Jared was busy the Friday before. After telling him a lengthy and difficult to believe story about something his camp friends and did the last weekend, he’d asked if Evan wanted to come over and play video games. Evan asked if he was afraid his parents would stop paying his car insurance if he didn’t. Jared had laughed.

They were talking as they worked their way through Jared’s mother’s supply of chips. When Evan said something, Jared wasn’t jumping to pass a crud remark about it. That was new, but not completely bad.

“I went on a date with Zoe,” Evan wasn’t even sure why he was bringing up.

“Seriously?” Jared was gaping at him. Evan wasn’t gonna lie, he didn’t mind getting that kind of reaction.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded.

“Nice,” Jared commented.

“It didn’t work out,” Evan added.

“That sucks,” Jared said with a sympathy Evan didn’t expect from him. Evan realized what he must have assumed.

“It was mutual,” Evan quickly added. “She didn’t dump me.”

“Right,” Jared gave him an odd look.

“It just didn’t work out,” Evan stated.

“Why?” Jared asked.

There were a lot of ways to answer that question, most of which Evan had already put to words in his own head. If he was being completely honest, when he’d decided to leave the restaurant, there had really only been one thought on his mind.

Connor.

He felt like he was betraying Connor when he sat down at that table. He’d felt that even after Connor had told him it was alright. He’d felt that even after Zoe reminded him Connor had said that.

Why? He trusted Connor to tell him if he had a problem with it. He trusted when Connor had said it was okay. They had both promised that whatever happened with Zoe wouldn’t effect their friendship. Evan didn’t see how either of them dating someone would. It wasn’t like they had feelings for each other.

Shit.

“Lack of chemistry,” Evan said out loud. “It just felt weird, you know?”

“Yeah,” Jared nodded, and proceeded to tell Evan about this girl he’d made out with at camp.

Evan wasn’t entirely sure if this was one of the stories he believed or not. Not that that should be the thing he was worrying about. Or maybe it would be better if it was. That way he didn’t have to think about Connor or the voice in the back of his head saying—

Saying what? That he liked Connor?

Evan cared about him, sure. He’d never lied to himself about that. Maybe that was the extent of it. Maybe he just wasn’t used to caring about anyone so much that it was confusing him.

That had to be it. He didn’t like Connor. He’d know if he did. He’d know what it felt like to be attracted to someone. It felt like fireworks. It felt like longing. It felt like wondering what it would have been like if Connor had been sitting across from him at the diner instead of Zoe.

It felt like wishing for that.

He remembered what it felt like in the brief moment Connor’s arms where around him. That had been a terrible day, but Connor had looked at what a terrible day did to him and he hadn’t run away. He made Evan feel warm.

Warm, and wanted, and loved.

This was bad. This was really really bad. Evan was Connor’s friend. He was Connor’s only friend, and Evan wasn’t aloud to have feelings for someone who needed him that much.

Because Connor did need him. For the first time in Evan’s life someone needed him. Someone depended on him as much as he depended on them. Evan would not ruin that. He couldn’t.

“Are you okay?” Jared ask giving him an odd look.

“Yeah,” Evan snapped back to focus. “Spacing out. Sorry.”

Chapter Text

“I think first off don’t ask her how I’m doing,” Connor instructed Alana. “That’s the last thing she wants to talk about.”

This was their second Saturday of her trying to help Connor not fail his last year of high school, and him trying to help her stop Zoe from disliking her. Each objective was going about as well as Connor had thought they were. He had his work cut out for him. The idea of actually working towards anything was strange.

Even stranger, he was starting to realize he didn’t mind spending this much time with Alana. Talking to her was turning out to be a little bit fun. That was something that the him from a few months ago would have laughed at.

“I want her to know that I care,” Alana argued. “And you said I couldn’t tell her I was coming over here.”

“You can’t,” Connor said flatly. He’d deal with that conversation at some point, but Alana was definitely doing to mess it up. “And asking a bunch doesn’t come off at you caring, you do realize that right?”

“I know,” Alana exhaled. “But—”

“Nope,” Connor held up his hand. “No arguments, you wanted my help. That means you have to shut the fuck up and listen to me.”

“Fine,” Alana crossed her arms, but didn’t argue. Connor could get used to that. It usually took a lot more of a fight to get someone to listen to him. “What do I talk to her about?”

“For now don’t,” Connor told her. “You’re too peppy, she doesn’t like that.”

“I’m trying to be nice,” Alana said dejectedly.

“Yeah, well it’s not working,” Connor informed her honestly.

“Why is this so hard?” She groaned.

“Because everyone in my family operates by a complex code that not even we understand,” Connor said dryly.

“Right,” she smiled a little bit. “You know it’s not just you guys, right?”

“Oh, yeah. Everyone sucks,” Connor smirked. “Social interaction sucks.”

“You’re happy today,” she commented.

“I just told you I hated everyone,” he pointed out.

“For you, that’s happy,” she shrugged. “Do you hate Evan?”

“He’s different,” Connor tried to make his tone dismissive.

“How so?” Alana asked.

There was an innocence in her voice. She didn’t get this might be crossing a line. In her defense, it probably shouldn’t be. Connor wasn’t use to talking about Evan to anyone other that Zoe, and she’d at least seen them interact. His parents would sometimes bring it up, but his mother was trying to give him space in that area and when his father talked to him it wasn’t about other people.

“He doesn’t act like I’m a fucking time-bomb for one,” Connor admitted. He brought his eyes to the study-guide Alana had left for him to fill out. “Are these answers right?”

She took the paper from him and scanned it’s context. Her mouth made a line.

“No,” she handed it back to him. “You’re gonna have to reread the chapter.”

“Fuck,” he groaned.

“You know, I’d take time-bomb over invisible,” she spoke up.

“You’re not invisible,” he scoffed. “You’re Alana Beck.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Her eyes narrowed. She didn’t exactly look offended, but Connor knew he shouldn’t have let that last comment leave his lips.

“It means everyone in the school knows who you are,” he reminded her. “I knew who you were.”

“That doesn’t mean they see me,” she told him sharply. “People know me, but they don’t know anything about me. They don’t want to.”

“Yeah, well everyone knows too much about me,” he muttered. “I don’t remember a time where there weren’t rumors about me floating around the school. People have been talking shit about me since I was eight.”

“They talk about me too, you know,” she said numbly. “I do notice. Maybe not all the time.”

No one thought she did. Even Connor knew that much. They saw her as tone-deaf to the thoughts of others. Maybe sometimes she was. Did that really matter that much? Everyone could be shit at listening, at least Alana was trying.

“They’re assholes.” He told her. “All of them."

“I wouldn’t say that exactly,” she started.

“You’re being nice,” he let her know.

“Is it annoying?” She asked.

“Not really,” he decided. A small grin formed on her face “What’s being invisible like?”

“Lonely,” she answered after a moment of thought. “No one ever really talks to me because they care about what I have to say. I mean, not that what other people think matters, only—”

“Only it does,” he finished. “It matters a lot.”

“Yeah,” she nodded. “We should have been friends.”

“I’m too much of a jerk,” Connor let her know.

If he was still the person he’d been a few months ago she wouldn’t be here. She wouldn’t put up with him, Zoe wouldn’t try for him, and Evan wouldn’t like him. Things were different now. Connor was still getting used to being happy about that.

“A little bit,” she admitted. “But I think I can get used to it.”

“Good,” he let himself smile.

“What’s going to happen when you come back to school?” Alana wondered.

“I’m going to have to kill a lot of people,” Connor exhaled.

He tried not to think about how people were going to react to him coming back. It would have been so much easier if no one knew, but there wasn’t anything he could do about that. He was pretty sure he could deal with the people who treated him like shit continuing to treat him like shit. It was the people who were going to act differently that he didn’t want to deal with. He couldn’t stand seeing pity in the eyes of people he cared about, he wasn’t sure what looking at it from people he hated was going to do.

“Please don’t,” Alana folded her hands in her lap.

“I’ll just try to avoid everyone, I guess,” Connor answered honestly.

He wasn’t completely alone this time. He had Evan, his sister, and somehow Alana. He could suffer through a few months of people looking at him like a freak show if it meant that he could get the hell out of high school.

After that he wasn’t sure. He used to laugh at the idea of going to college, but back then he hadn’t really thought he’d make it that long. His grades and test scores weren’t great, but his parents had money. They could afford to send him somewhere.

Did he even want to go somewhere? Connor had finally gotten used to the life he was stuck with. He’d finally figured out how to communicate with his family, and how to not feel like there was no point in breathing. Going somewhere where no one knew him could help, or it could rupture everything he’d build.

What if Evan went away? Zoe had another year of high school and living with their parents, but Evan was the same grade as Connor. The balance that he’d found would change without Evan with him. That was so selfish of him to think, but recognizing that didn’t make the thought go away.

“I don’t know,” Connor pulled his attention back to Alana. “I’ll figured it out when I have to.”

Evan was acting weird. Well, weirder than normal. Connor had long ago determined that his friend was far from normal. He didn’t voice that to Evan of course, he’d take it the wrong way. Connor loved that Evan was different from ordinary people. He loved it more than he should admit. But that didn’t matter.

Connor couldn’t exactly put his finger on what was off. Evan wasn’t jittery—or at least he wasn’t any more jittery than usual—and he didn’t seem upset. Something was just off. Connor didn’t know what.

“Is something wrong?” Connor asked when he couldn’t take it any more.

“What?” Evan looked up at him.

He’d been reading the corrected history study guide that Connor was going to give to Alana the next week. Alana hadn’t told him what was wrong with it. Granted, he had acted like he hadn’t tried on it. In reality, he had. He hadn’t tried very hard, but he had at least thought he was on the right track.

“I don’t know,” Connor leaned back on his bed. “Something’s different today.”

He saw Evan stiffen from the corner of his eyes.

“I’m tired,” Evan said out loud.

Connor wouldn’t call it a lie, Evan did look like he needed a couple more hours of sleep. Still, Connor knew that wasn’t really what was bothering him. At this point Connor was convinced that there was something, Evan wouldn’t have tried to dodge the questioning if there wasn’t.

“Me too,” he said out loud.

He wasn’t going to push this. Evan would tell him eventually. Sometimes it just took Evan longer to find the right words. That was okay with Connor. He was getting used to the idea of having a lot of time.

“Do you think we would have been friends if I didn’t—” Evan’s hands pulled at the hem of his shirt. “If things were different.”

“No,” Connor uttered.

“Oh,” Evan looked at his shirt. If he kept tugging it like that, he was going to make a hole.

“If you hand’t done exactly what you did, I’d be dead,” Connor told him.

His tone was too dark. That was supposed to be a joke. He wasn’t good at this. He couldn’t have the kind of conversations. Evan didn’t say anything. Connor didn’t want to know what he was thinking. He didn’t want to know what Evan’s life with him dead looked like. There was too much fear that it might be a little bit easier.

“I’m sorry,” Connor sighed. “That was supposed to be funny.

“It wasn’t,” Evan’s voice wasn’t harsh. It rarely was. “I know that it’s over. And nothing can change that, but it still stresses me out.”

“I’m not going to do it again.”

This was the first time Connor had voiced this. It was the first time he really realized that he meant it. He knew he was feeling better, even if it was no where near perfect, but seeing it as long term was harder. This was the first time, he’d stopped and realized that he did want to live, even if that meant enduring hell again sometimes. Maybe it would be a little bit easier now.

“It’s not you,” Evan stammered. “I keep thinking about everything I did.”

“You did everything right,” Connor argued.

“I know,” Evan winced. “But what if I hadn’t? What if I made a mistake and—”

“Okay,” Connor didn’t realized he’d reached toward Evan until his hand was already on his shoulder. “Then let’s not think about it.”

“Thanks,” Evan said sheepishly.

“Just so you know,” Connor started. “I never worry about that. Every time I think about it, I always think about you pulling me out.”

“Yeah?” Where Evan’s eyes always that big? Did they always cut through Connor this easily?

“I don’t think it matters that we might not have been friends,” Connor let him know. “Since we can’t change the past, and we’re in each others lives no matter what now.”

“That’s kinda cheesy,” Evan stated.

“I’m kinda cheesy,” Connor shrugged. “Is something else bugging you?”

“It was mainly that,” Evan hummed.

“You sure?” Connor felt the need to ask. He wouldn’t push, but he needed Evan to know he could talk to him. They didn’t talk about Evan enough. Connor didn’t like how that made him feel.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. “Thank you.”

“For what?” Connor asked.

“I don’t really know,” Evan laughed nervously. “I just felt like I should say it.”

“Okay,” Connor smirked. “You’re welcome.”

“You’re my favorite person,” Evan said suddenly. “That sounds really weird, I’m sorry, I just—I want you to know that.”

Connor felt warm. He felt like warmth was consuming him, and he was one hundred percent alright with it.

“Thank you,” he uttered. “You’re my favorite person. If that wasn’t already obvious.”

Chapter Text

Evan did not know what to think when Connor/Zoe’s car pulled up outside of his house Saturday morning and proceeded to loudly honk. It took a second for him to realize that Zoe would not do this and that meant Connor had to be behind the wheel. The panic that sent through him was short lived, quickly being replaced by the panic that the entire neighborhood could hear the honking, and finally the panic that it would take his mother all of three minutes to wake up and question why the boy who’s life Evan had saved was currently hoking at their house.

“What are you doing?” Evan all but demanded, after scrambling out the front door.

“Do you like ice cream?” Connor asked him, as if that was a perfectly reasonable question to ask someone who he’d just forced out of his house early in the morning.

“I guess?” Evan stammered.

If his mother was awake enough to check what was going on she was a going to have questions. Evan didn’t know how to answer any of them. He knew that maybe he should have told her what was going on a long time ago, it wasn’t like he had anything to be ashamed of, but he hadn’t wanted to.

She would have worried. Or she wouldn’t have. He didn’t know.

“Do you want me to get ice cream with you?” Evan asked Connor.

“It depends,” Connor smirked. He was enjoying this too much.

Evan opened the door to the passenger seat and hopped into the car.

“I’m in,” he stated.

He didn’t care what Connor wanted to do. They just needed to go now. If his mother asked him about the honking later, he could tell her it was Jared. She’d believe that. She certainly believed he’d didn’t have any other friends.

Connor grinned at him. Evan didn’t want to question why that was enough to wash the building fear away. He didn’t want to read into these sort of things, not when a smile was enough to make him feel like he was floating. What was wrong with him?

“Where are we going?” Evan asked as Connor drove away from the house.

“Somewhere,” Connor said coyly.

“I’m guessing somewhere with ice cream?” Evan asked dryly.

“There first,” Connor nodded. “Then somewhere you’re gonna really like.”

“Should I be worried?” Evan joked.

“Oh yeah,” Connor laughed. “You should be fucking terrified.”

“So,” Evan started. “Do I assume you got your car privileges back or...?”

“I’m not breaking any rules,” Connor assured him. “My parents even know where we’re going.”

“Okay,” Evan nodded.

“And I have to text my mom every hour or so to assure her I’m not dead,” Connor added.

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” he exhaled loudly. “I mean, I get why she’s like this.”

“Yeah,” Evan did too.

He just wondered what it felt like. Even when his mother was worried she never had the time to be that attentive. It didn’t feel right to be envious over this, but Evan couldn’t help it. If he had shown up at Connor’s house this morning and whisked him away instead on vis versa it would have sent the whole Murphy house into an uproar.

Not that Connor had whisked him away. Dear God, that was the most pathetically whimsical way he could have phrased that.

“Did you miss driving?” Evan asked, to distract his own mind if anything.

“Kinda,” Connor shrugged. “It was more the freedom.”

“Right,” Evan hummed.

“Not that there are that many interesting places we could go in this town,” Connor remarked.

“Does that mean we’re going out of town?” Evan raised an eyebrow.

“Not by much,” Connor shrugged. “Don’t worry, I’m not kidnapping you. Or, if I am my parents are in on it so it can’t be that bad.”

“I think that’s the weirdest thing you’re ever said to me,” Evan informed him.

Connor laughed.

Evan had seen Connor in a good mood—he’d seen it for the past few weeks—but he’d never seen this before. Connor seemed lighter, like nothing was tying him down. Evan wasn’t sure what he’d done to deserve getting to witness this. This version of Connor was invincible. He made Evan feel invincible too.

The drive was several hours. Evan couldn’t remember the last time he’d spent so much time ima car. He watched the familiar parts of town give way to open land. Soon they were the only car on an empty road. Instead of feeling isolated, Evan felt free.

“So this is what you meant by ice cream?” Evan asked as Connor parked in front of an ice cream shop that felt so in the middle of nowhere he was surprised it was still in business.

“It’s called Alamode,” Connor told him, gesturing to the sign in desperate need to a new paint job. “We used to come here every so often when I was a kid.”

“Really?” Evan asked.

“My dad used to like drives,” Connor explained. “My mom would choose music, Zoe and I would play stupid road trip games.”

Evan tried to imagine the Murphy’s that he’d met doing thee things. They weren’t a perfect family, but he’d never thought they were beyond repair. Still, he couldn’t picture any of them being normal or close for that matter.

“We weren’t always fucked up,” Connor added, as if reading Evan’s mind.

“I don’t think you’re fucked up,” Evan told him.

Connor didn’t say anything. Evan was grateful for that. He didn’t want to argue now. He wanted to keep feeling like they could do anything.

It was fitting that the high wore off the second Evan stepped into the ice cream shop. Seeing other people made him remember who he was and everything that was wrong with him. How could Connor on a whim drive them all the way out here and Evan clam up the second he realize he needed to talk to someone else. He didn’t understand how Connor still thought he was the more messed up of the pair.

“I can order for you,” Connor was staring at him. Connor was reading his expression. Evan still wasn’t used to someone being able to do that with him. “What do you like?”

“Um,” Evan didn’t know. Evan didn’t know anything. “Whatever.”

“You sure?” Connor asked. His voice was soft and not pressuring.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded quickly. “I’ll just get whatever you’re getting.”

“Cool,” Connor nodded. “Wanna grab a table?”

Evan chose a table near the back of the building. In a few minutes Connor found him with two cones of chocolate ice cream in his hands. As they ate, he told Evan stories of when his family used to come here. Evan had never heard him talk about them with such a carefree attitude.

“How alright are you with breaking rules?” Connor suddenly asked when they were about to leave.

“Why?” Evan asked back.

“I just want a general sense,” Connor had a glimmer in his eyes.

“I’m very bad at it,” Evan informed him. “What are you thinking?”

“You’ll see,” Connor said decidedly.

Instead of turning back, Connor kept driving along the dirt road. Evan didn’t ask where they were going now. He knew Connor wasn’t going to tell him. That was fine. People didn’t try to surprise him, Evan was liking this more than he thought he would.

When they pulled up in front of a fence concealing what looked like more trees than Evan had ever seen in one place, he couldn’t stop himself from gaping.

“I thought you might like it here,” Connor told him. “Zoe agreed, of course. We’re weirdly good at scheming together.”

“Where are we?” Evan asked.

“The Autumn Smile Apple Orchard,” Connor announced. “And the rule breaking part is that my parents don’t know we’re here, since it’s kinda closed down. They just knew about the ice cream part.”

Evan could have figured that much on his own. The gate was covered in vines and unkept grass. That made the outside of the orchard look even more magical.

“Is sneaking into a closed down orchard also a rule breaking part?” Evan asked Connor.

“I guess,” Connor shrugged. “Don’t worry, no one comes out here. We’re not gonna get in trouble.”

“How do we get in?” Evan asked.

“You ever hopped a fence before, Hansen?” Connor asked him with a wide smirk.

Evan was better at climbing the fence than Connor and he swore to God he was never going to let Conor live than down. The orchard was beautiful. Evan had never been in the middle of such untampered with nature before. The plants were in charge of the whole space, and it was amazing.

In the back of his mind, Evan could feel Connor watching him take it all in. Instead of feeling the usual discomfort when he felt someone’s eyes on him, it lit a warm sensation within him.

“I should have brought lunch,” Connor said as they walked further into the orchard. “We could have had a picnic or something.”

“Maybe next time,” Evan replied before he could hear his own words. “I mean, if you would wanna do this again—sorry, I didn’t—”

“Yeah,” Connor cut him off. “Next time we’ll bring lunch.”

“Okay,” Evan’s face felt warm. “You wanna climb a tree?”

“Is that okay?” Connor gave him an odd look.

“Why wouldn’t it be?” Evan asked back. “It’s easier than a fence.”

“Funny,” Connor said dryly. “I mean, wasn’t that how you broke your arm?”

For a second Evan felt cold. He felt the perfect moment freeze around him, and the memory of everything he’d left in the town behind them threaten to force it’s way between him and Connor. This was why people like them didn’t get days like today. There was always something waiting to wrench them back to the real world.

“Yeah,” Evan tried to push away everything that wasn’t Connor and the orchard and the tree in front of them. “It’s fine.”

“What if you fall again?” Connor asked, clearly not convinced.

Evan wouldn’t. Not right now. Not when he felt like this.

“You’ll just have to catch me then,” Evan uttered.

He didn’t hear how incredibly forward that sounded until after he laughed and started climbing the tree. Connor laughed too. Maybe that meant he hadn’t noticed the accidental flirting. Or maybe he just didn’t think that was possible from Evan. That was completely fair.

Things were good this way. Evan could cope with keeping his feelings hidden if it meant that in return he got to see Connor smile. He didn’t need anything more than what they had right now. This was way more than Evan had ever thought he’d ever get. Connor was so much more.

They stopped halfway up the tree. Evan loved the view. He hadn’t seen the world like this in a long time, and then he hadn’t had the chance to appreciate it.

“Did a branch break or something?” Connor asked.

“What?” Evan blinked at him.

“When you fell,” Connor clarified.

Evan felt his gut twist.

“I can’t imagine you falling from a tree,” Connor told him. “You’re weirdly good at this.”

“I know,” Evan smiled at him.

He could tell him the truth. Connor would understand. Evan knew one hundred reasons why Connor would understand. He could tell him that he knew what the lows that Connor fought back felt like, and they’d realize how the same they were. Evan could trust Connor.

“Yeah, the branch broke,” he lied. “I thought it was stable, but it wasn’t.”

Connor already had enough to carry. Evan wouldn’t add to that weight.

Chapter Text

Connor’s family almost didn’t throw a Christmas party. The tradition was more his mother’s thing than the rest of them. She was the one who handled the decorations, and getting the right caterers, and making sure that the invitations went out at the right time. His father seemed to like the events. He liked to show off, even if he wouldn’t admit it. Zoe tolerated them and occasionally had fun, because that was what you did when you’re the successful child in a room full of adults who think you’re amazing.

Connor hated every moment of it. He had since he was seven. He hated the people, he hated that they were in his house, and he hated how inferior it made him look next to the rest of his family.

When his mother casually mentioned that they should have a quiet holiday this year, he was relieved, and grateful, and guilty.

She had endured the most stressful few months of her life, and even if she said it wasn’t his fault, Connor knew it was. He was the one who almost died, he was the one who made her have to reevaluate everything she’d ever done as a parent, and he was the one who didn’t like her parties.

He could be selfless for once.

“You should have the party,” he let himself blurt as she was driving him home from therapy.

She didn’t respond. She was surprised. He was a little surprised he’d been able to voice that as well.

“You could send the invitations tonight,” Connor kept talking. “Most of them probably didn’t make other plans yet.”

“It’s alright,” she said warmly. “We already decided—”

“I know,” Connor cut her off a little too crisply. This wasn’t an argument. That wasn’t what he wanted it to be. “But I think you should do it.”

This meant a lot to her, he had no fucking clue why it did, but it did.

“I want you to,” he added. “You should get to relax for once.”

“I know you don’t like the parties,” she said.

“Yeah,” Connor wouldn’t argue that much. He was going to be honest with his mother for once, even if it meant giving up a night of quiet. She’d had to give up so much for him, this was really the least he could do for her.

“It wasn’t fair of me to keep throwing them,” she looked sad now. He didn’t like seeing that.

“Everyone has to do shit they don’t like,” Connor stated. She made a face at the cursing. “Sorry.”

“I don’t want to put you through anything that’s going to make you uncomfortable,” she pressed. “None of us do.”

“Thank you,” Connor uttered.

The words were too simple. They couldn’t match the years she spent putting up with him and trying even when he didn’t want her too. Hindsight liked to remind him of that. She had always tried for him. She hadn’t done everything right, but that wasn’t her fault. She didn’t know how to help him cope with depression, she didn’t know how to reach him, all she knew was that her kid had been in pain for most of his life.

It took letting himself feel, and make connections, and watch someone her cared about hurt for Connor to realize he’d never understand everything he’d put this woman through. He would never know how much it hurt for her to watch him hurt, but at least now he could see it. Now he could try too.

“Not for the party,” Connor said to her. “For everything.”

“I’m your mother,” she smiled at him now.

“I love you,” he told her. “Please throw the stupid party. I can just hang out in my room if I don’t like it.”

It was only an hour into the party and Connor couldn’t fucking handle it. A year ago, he would have thought that how his parents friends look at him and talked to him couldn’t get any worse. That was so fucking incorrect. He didn’t know why he thought he’d be able to survive this shit.

Instead of the delinquent son of the successful parents, he was the broken kid. Instead of people avoiding talking to him, he got disgustingly sympathetic looks. He was in a room full of people who thought that they knew exactly what he was going through and were just full of pity for him and his family. He hated it.

“Hey,” Zoe nudged his shoulder. She was hold a plate of expertly decorated Christmas cookies. She excelled in holidays, whether she openly acknowledged it or not.

“Hi,” he tried to force a smile.

She was having a good time, he could tell that much. She liked it when they dressed their living room up to look like a Christmas card, and when she was in a room full of people who wanted to hear her play carols on her guitar. Everything about the party that made Connor want to punch something, made his sister glow and for once it didn’t annoy him. He liked seeing her float around in a red and gold dress. She looked like the fairytale princess he had never really stopped seeing her as.

“You wanna get out of here?” She asked.

“No, thanks,” he said because he wasn’t selfish enough to whisk her away from something she clearly enjoyed.

“How about you just go for a drive then?” She decided. “I’ll cover for you.”

Being out of the house sounded nice, and Connor doubted his parents would be that mad even if Zoe didn’t make up an excuse. Still, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be alone right now. That was the only reason he hadn’t sulked off to his room. Part of him was scared that the second his thoughts were given are range, they’d pull back every look he’d withstood since the party started.

Then again, he didn’t have to drive to the middle of nowhere.

“Okay,” he agreed. “Thanks.”

Zoe smiled at him before she went back to passing out the cookies. No one noticed Connor slip out of the room.

The drive to Evan’s house wasn’t very long, and blasting music was enough to keep Connor’s thoughts at bay. He forgot how much he liked driving at night. In a weird way, it was freeing. In the dark, he didn’t feel like people were watching him. He could be anyone going anywhere.

He didn’t honk when he pulled up on the street a little bit from the driveway. Instead he exited his car and knocked on the front door. Most of the lights were off, and for a second, Connor doubted that anyone was going to answer. It wasn’t like Evan was expecting him. Then the door flew open and Connor was met with a very shocked and confused Evan Hansen.

“Are those your pajamas?” Connor couldn’t help asking as he took in the too big t-shirt and plaid sweat pants.

“What are you doing here?” Evan asked. “I mean, it’s a holiday. I thought—”

“Shit, I’m not interrupting things, am I?” Connor knew that Evan was jewish on his mom’s side, but maybe they still did something on Christmas.

“No,” Evan shook his head. “My mom’s at work.”

“Right,” Connor nodded. He should have expected that much. “Can I come in?”

“Oh, yeah,” Evan jumped back from the doorway sheepishly.

Connor was lead to Evan’s living room. He hadn’t gotten a good look at the inside of the house the only other time he’d been over. It was nice. Simple, but nice. They sat down on Evan’s couch. Evan was pulling at the hem of his t-shirt. He didn’t seem nervous, more startled than anything. That was more than fair.

“Are you okay?” Evan asked, breaking the silence. “Not that you need to not be okay to show up here, you don’t, but like Zoe said you guys were having a party and, sorry thats presumptuous—”

“I’m okay now,” Connor told him. “The party was kinda shit though.”

Evan let out a small laugh.

“My mom wasn’t even gonna throw one,” Connor added. “I told her she should.”

“That’s nice of you,” Evan said in a soft voice.

“I guess,” Connor exhaled loudly. “I just, couldn’t take it, you know?”

“I think so,” Evan nodded.

“I hate my parent’s friends,” Connor said bitterly. “They used to treat me like a fucking waste of space, and now I’m this charity case. They didn’t even say anything, they were just looking at me like—”

Connor felt his hands clench into fists. He felt his entire body tense up. This was worse than being tormented by reliving the sickening sympathy. Instead of feeling small, he just felt angry. He didn’t want to be the person that gave into that anymore, and he definitely didn’t want Evan of all people to witness it.

Then Evan’s hand was covering his own.

“It’s okay,” Evan’s voice was gentle. It was understanding. “I’d hate that too.”

“I’m sorry,” Connor knew he needed to say this. “I shouldn’t have just shown up here.”

“You could have called first,” Evan said lightly. “But I’m glad you’re here.”

Evan’s hand didn’t leave Connor’s even though Connor could feel himself relaxing. Part of him knew they shouldn’t be holding on for this long, that this was a little bit to much, but he wasn’t going to be the one to let go.

They put a movie on. Evan wasn’t sure what time his mother was going to come home, but had implied that it was probably better if Connor cleared out before then. Connor didn’t ask about that. He didn’t let himself feel the twinge of hurt that Evan knew everyone in his family but Connor had little to any connection to the life that Evan had outside of him. He didn’t need to think about that now.

He tried to zone out. It should have been easy to melt into Evan’s couch and let the lights and sounds of the TV blur from his focus. Instead Connor was hyper aware of everything. He was aware of Evan next to him, of Evan’s hand a few feet from his, or Evan’s knee almost brushing his own. It was so pathetic how distracting it was.

“Do you wanna talk more?” Evan asked. Connor guessed he wasn’t all that good at hiding how distracted he was. At least Evan didn’t realize why.

“I’m fine,” he tried to brush off.

“Really?” Evan paused the movie, turning his full attention to Connor.

“Yeah,” Connor smiled at him.

Evan smiled back. They were really close.

It happened quickly. Connor was certain that Evan didn’t know what he was doing, that he was tired and confused, that this couldn’t be real. One second Connor was trying to pull back—trying to do the right thing and end the distracting closeness—and the next Evan’s lips were pressed against his.

For the first time that night, Connor wasn’t thinking about how broken everyone knew he was. He couldn’t think. His brain wasn’t big enough to focus on anything but Evan, and he didn’t want it to. All of the fear and doubt he’d clung to every time he stopped himself from wishing for exactly this were wiped away.

Evan’s hands were in his hair, they were tugging him backward onto the couch. Connor ran his palms up Evan’s torso, pulled at his shirt until Evan toppled onto his chest.

“That was supposed to be smoother,” he murmured into Evan’s jaw.

That earned him a small laugh, before Evan’s lips were occupied again. Connor closed his eyes.

Evan was straddling him. His lips made their way down Connor’s neck in a clumsy unpracticed movement. His hands trailed under Connor’s shirt. In a swift motion, Connor pulled it over his head. His body reached up, meeting Evan’s mouth again. He let one of his hands tangle in Evan’s short hair, his fingers disappearing in the soft strands. His other hand slid under the hem of Evan’s pants, over Evan’s hips. He wanted this, he wasn’t sure he’d wanted anything so much in a long time. But that didn’t matter, all that mattered was Evan.

Then they heard the door open. Evan sprang up first, mortification filling his eyes. Connor was barely out of the daze when Evan pulled him out of the living room and into his bedroom. It was only when the door was closed behind them that Connor allowed himself to laugh, because this had to be the closest either of them would get to being a normal teenager.

“I can climb out the window,” he decided.

“You sure?” Evan’s eyes were still wide.

“Totally,” Connor winked at him.

Evan shook his head, but Connor could see the grin he was holding back. It was only after Connor had toppled out of Evan’s window and was safely in his car that he wondered what the hell had just happened.

Chapter Text

Evan wasn’t sure if they were going to talk about the kiss. Connor’s family left for their annual skiing trip the day after Christmas, and “what am I to you” wasn’t a conversation Evan wanted to have over Skype.

Still, the more he let time pass, the harder it was to imagine how to start talking about it. It didn’t help that Connor wasn’t acting any different. Evan didn’t know if that was supposed to mean something or not.

They never talked about being into boys before. Connor never talked about being into anyone, but Evan had just sort of assumed he was straight. Not that Evan had ever mentioned being bisexual. It never felt right to talk about it because it wasn’t boys, it was Connor, and coming that close to the truth would be too hard to stop himself from letting everything slip.

Not that he’d been that good at self control on Christmas. Evan wasn’t sure what had come over him. He wasn’t forward like that. He didn’t just kiss people. He hadn’t really kissed anyone.

Connor hadn’t even hinted that he wanted to, Evan tired brain had just suddenly taken over and pushed their lips together. It wasn’t like Connor had pulled back. Connor had liked it. Evan had too.

But what did that mean for them now? Kissing Connor was amazing, but it wasn’t worth loosing everything they’d had before that. Evan didn’t like change, and he’d just gotten used to the idea that Connor wasn’t going anywhere. He didn’t know if they were supposed to act like everything was normal, or if things were supposed to be different.

What if Evan had ruined everything?

Connor was coming back to school on the first day of the new semester. Evan knew that the Murphy’s had been talking about it for a while, and both Connor and Zoe had casually mentioned the plan to him. Still, it was weird for Connor to be in the passenger seat of the car when Zoe pulled up in front of Evan’s house.

“Hey,” Connor said when Evan got into the back seat.

“Hi,” Evan uttered.

For the first in ages the atmosphere was tense. Evan didn’t know if it was because of the kiss or school or a combination of the two, but he didn’t like it. Even Zoe seemed to be gripping the steering wheel tighter than usual. Evan didn’t know how the three of them were going to make it through the day.

He honestly wasn’t ready for this. School Connor was different than the Connor Evan had gotten to know, and he didn’t know where he fit into Connor’s day now. He wasn’t prepared to navigate blind.

Then there were the other students. Evan knew that all of Connor’s teachers had to know he was returning, but to the others kids this would come as a surprise. Evan didn’t know how they were going to react or how Connor was going to react to them.

“How was your trip?” Evan asked in a desert attempt to distract all of them.

Connor spent the rest of the car ride complaining about skiing. Zoe offered comments every so often. Evan just listened and nodded. It was easier to pretend that this was just another conversation with the two of them and they weren’t headed to the place they all hated more than anything.

“So we’ll meet back here at the end of the day?” Zoe glanced at the two of them.

“Got it boss,” Connor saluted her. She rolled her eyes.

“What’s your schedule?” Evan asked Connor. Maybe they had a few classes together. That might make everything a little easier to deal with.

Connor produced an already very crumbled piece of paper from his jacket pocket.

“Wow,” Zoe shook her head.

“At least I have it,” he shot back.

“We’re in the same first period,” Evan realized as he scanned the paper.

“Awesome,” Connor said dryly.

Evan noted that despite the air of indifference he was channeling, he looked relieved. He was trying to convince himself that this wasn’t a big deal. Evan could relate to that. They’d take the day one step at a time.

Evan always hated when people told him that saying. Was there any other way he could go through a day? A series of steps was just as intimidating as a full mile. For Connor today didn’t just look like a Monday, it was the entire rest of the school year laid out in front of him. He had a right to be nervous.

“We should get out of the car,” Zoe commented.

“Yeah,” Connor exhaled.

None of them moved.

“Wow, we’re sad,” Zoe stated.

“Yep,” Evan nodded.

“Come on,” Connor opened his door. “Let’s get this shit show over with.”

Evan supposed he shouldn’t be surprised that Alana Beck met them as they entered the school. Connor must have told her he was returning today, but even if he hadn’t Evan was pretty sure she would have found him fairly early anyway. Alana was a very particular kind of perceptive.

“Hey, Connor!” Alana chirped as she caught up to the three of them. Evan didn’t understand how anyone could have this much energy on the first day of school after a long vacation.

He saw Zoe tense, clearly thinking that this was going to be a problem. He’d assumed that she knew by now that Alana and Connor were on good terms. Connor had implied that he was going to tell her at some point.

“Hi,” Connor smiled at her. He looked a little bit more relaxed now. Evan figured they had strength in numbers, even if Zoe looked more confused than Evan had ever seen her.

“What classes do you have?” She asked. Connor handed her his schedule. Evan watched Alana’s smile falter. “That’s too bad. We don’t have any classes together.”

“And you thought we would?” Connor laughed what sounded like and actually genuine laugh.

“I’m not in all AP courses,” Alana crossed her arms.

“Just mostly,” Connor rolled his eyes.

“I gotta get going, the student senate has a meeting in five minutes,” Alana glanced at Evan and Zoe. “I’ll see all of you around?”

“Yeah,” Connor said.

“Sure,” Evan piped up. Out of the corner of his eyes he saw Zoe nod, perplexed expression still on her face.

“I didn’t know you actually knew her,” Zoe said to her brother.

“We’re ‘close acquaintances’,” Connor drew air quotes around the words, but there wasn’t any dryness to his tone.

“Right,” Zoe wanted to ask more, but she wasn’t going to. Evan never knew how to act during these static moments between the two of them. “I’ll see you guys at lunch.”

“Yep,” Connor nodded shortly.

“Why doesn’t she know Alana’s been helping you?” Evan asked the second Zoe was out of earshot.

“I’ll fill her in later,” Connor shrugged.

Evan didn’t say anything back. He didn’t tell Connor that if he were Zoe he’d feel he had a right to know that someone who went to school with them was at their house pretty much every week. Connor had to have thought of that. There was a reason he wasn’t telling her. Evan just thought that if something was happening with Alana, Connor would let him know.

Not that he thought something was happening between them. That wouldn’t make sense. Or maybe it would. Alana was a very say what you mean kind of person, and Connor liked it when people were direct with him. In a weird way, they could be right for each other.

But Evan didn’t want to think about that. Connor would tell him if he liked Alana Beck. Connor wouldn’t have kissed him if he liked Alana Beck. Connor wasn’t like that. At least, the Connor Evan knew wasn’t.

“You okay?” Connor nudged Evan’s shoulder.

“Fine,” Evan said a little too quickly. “We should head to class.”

“Might as well get it over with,” Connor made a face.

“Hey,” Evan started. “If you like need a break at some point during the day—”

“My mom’s expecting me to call her if I feel like I’m gonna break,” Connor cut him off. “I won’t though. I promise.”

“It’s not bad if you do,” Evan told him. “It’s human.”

“Gross.”

They both laughed.

“Don’t worry about me,” Connor said through a sincere smile. “I’ll be fine. It’s supposed to be different this time, remember?”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded.

“Come on,” Connor took a breath. “I need to make somewhat of a good impression on whatever teacher we have first.”

“You don’t know your teachers names?” Evan gapped at him.

“We already went over how unorganized I am,” Connor smirked.

Evan couldn’t help grinning back.

That was the last moment alone Evan got with Connor during the school day. Their first class wasn’t as terrible as Evan dreaded it would be. Neither of them had to speak, and the teacher didn’t call much attention to Connor. Evan caught a few concerned glances that he knew Connor absolutely did not appreciate, but it wasn’t like everyone was staring at him.

Lunch was nicer than Evan thought possible during a school day. The quite hall he used to hide in was full of Connor and Zoe’s odd inside jokes, and the three of them trying desperately to have the kind of conversations they would in the safety of Connor’s room. Evan wasn’t used to having friends who acknowledged him at school, much less seemed to enjoy having him around.

All of this was still dampened by the silent knowledge that Connor was acting like nothing had happened on Christmas. Evan decided to go with it, since he didn’t want Zoe to think there was something going on between them before they even had the chance to talk about it.

The problem was Evan was pretty sure Connor wasn’t going to bring it up, and that was what scared him. He doubted he’d be able to broach the conversation on his own, especially if he knew Connor was actively avoiding it.

Part of him wanted to feel hurt, because if Connor could do that and not need to address it maybe it didn’t mean anything to him. It was that thought that put a pit in Evan’s stomach that refused to let him focus on just surviving the school day. He didn’t need this sort of drama. Both him and Connor had enough to deal with.

They passed Jared in the hallway after lunch. Or, maybe it was better to say that they almost passed him because the second he saw them he turned around and walked the other way.

“I thought you guys were okay,” Connor commented.

Evan had thought that they were too.

Jared wasn’t exactly a subtle person, so Evan had thought that if he was actually mad about something he’d make a bigger deal about why. Evan made a mental note to try to talk to him. He wasn’t sure he had the energy to figure out what was going on with Connor and what was wrong with Jared too.

Zoe and Connor dropped Evan off at home at the end of the day. Evan had to stop them from dragging him along to get a snack with them. While he was in no way going to imply this to either of them, spending so much time at Connor’s house hadn’t exactly had a positive effect on his study habits. He needed to nip that in the bud this semester. He couldn’t really afford to slip up now.

Evan was surprised to find his mom home when he emerged from locking himself in his room to get through the mountain of homework his teachers had the kindness to dump on them the first day of classes.

“I thought I’d make us dinner for a change,” she said when he found her in the kitchen.

“You got the night off?” Evan was surprised.

“Susan’s covering for me,” she said as if her being able to skip a night of work was a casual thing.

She made them pasta. Evan was able to navigate the questions about his classes and if he was making friends. He wasn’t sure what she expected from him this late in high school. Then again, it was only now that he really was making friends so maybe she had a point.

He knew at some point he was going to need to find a way to tell her about Connor. He should have a long time ago. Now it was going to feel like he was keeping it a secret from her. That wasn’t what he was trying to do.

“I need to talk to you about something,” she started as they were washing the dishes.

“Yeah?” Evan kept his voice light as he put his plate into a dish rack.

There were so many things this could be. She knew he had submitted all his college applications already, and at some point she was going to have to give him the “it’s okay to take a gap year because we can’t afford it talk.” He wasn’t ready for her to tell him it wasn’t his fault he couldn’t get the right scholarships.

“I’m going out tomorrow night,” she stated.

“Oh,” Evan didn’t understand. Then he did. “You met someone?”

“In my law class,” she sounded almost awkward. That was new. “We’re not making a big deal of it, it’s just dinner.”

“That’s great,” he didn’t know how to feel. “I’m happy for you.”

“I know we don’t talk about Dad a lot,” she pursed her lips.

“You deserve someone better,” Evan meant this. He’d thought so for a long time, he just didn’t think it was actually going to happen any time soon. “Have fun.”

“I’m so proud of you,” she pulled him into a hug.

He tried to tell himself he believed those words.

Chapter Text

It turned out to be surprisingly easy to pretend that nothing happened. As the first few days of school dripped by, Evan became more and more sure that this was just what they were going to do now. Connor either thought of what happened as a mistake or was just too scared to bring it up.

Not that Evan could ever imagine Connor of all people being scared of him. So that made it probably the former. Evan could accept that. He had more important things to worry about.

Evan could tell that Connor was uncomfortable at school. Him and Zoe couldn’t be with him for the entirety of the day, and Evan had a feeling that if people tried to mess with him he wasn’t going to tell either of them. That made the portions of the day he couldn’t be by Connor’s side even more stressful.

They made it a week before the first disaster.

It was sad that they really all saw it as something that was going to eventually happen. Evan knew Connor’s mother was ready to swoop in and pull him from his classes if something went wrong, and the main reason him and Zoe were with him as much as possible was in the hope that they could stop something bad from happening. In reality, there wasn’t anything that Evan could do.

He thought that it would be another student that pushed Connor over the edge. He knew a lot of people still didn’t like Connor and at some point the meaner ones were going to get tired of pretending to pity him. He didn’t expect what actually happened.

History was the only class Evan and Connor shared, and Evan was fairly certain it was the most difficult for Connor. Their teacher hadn’t exactly gone easy on them homework load wise. Connor wasn’t the only one in the class who was behind, but he was the only one who didn’t pretend to have notes that he didn’t take.

She didn’t have to call him out in front of everyone.

Connor from a year ago probably wouldn’t have cared, but this Connor was trying. He wasn’t exactly getting amazing grades, but Evan knew he was studying and that should count for something. Most of the people in their class were lost too, but that didn’t stop them from snickering as Connor’s attitude was labeled disappointing.

Evan was pretty sure it was that word that did it.

It was only then that Evan realized he’d never really witnessed Connor loose it. There was that time in the hallway before everything started, and the argument with Zoe, but Evan had never seen the monster everyone had been convinced Connor was. Not up close.

He was stupid to think that he could have done anything to stop it—to calm Connor down. Instead Evan just sat there and watched Connor completely loose control.

It was a long time coming. Suddenly anger and being singled out manifested into every reaction Connor must have swallowed for the past week. Every scowl that could have accompanied the stares, every curse to shut up, and every whisper was pouring out of him.

Evan saw all of it but none of the aftermath.

When Connor calmed down enough to be taken out of the classroom, the rest of the class was instructed just to go about their lesson as if nothing happened. Evan could hear the still present horror in everyone around him. He could feel people glancing at him, because of course everyone knew he was Connor’s only friend.

He didn’t expect it to make him angry, but it did. These people had no right to think whatever they were thinking. They didn’t get to judge Connor when they had no idea what his world looked like.

Evan focused on that feeling. That way he didn’t have to think about the fraction of a moment when he wasn’t just worried and mad. For a second, he’d been scared. Not for Connor, but of him.

For a second he’d seen Connor the way all these people still were seeing him, and Evan didn’t know how he could live with knowing he was capable of that.

At lunch he found Zoe sitting outside of the school’s office. He wasn’t sure if approaching her was the best idea, she clearly had a lot on her mind and Evan didn’t want to but into something that really only concerned their family. She looked up when he was a few feet away from her. There was so much emotion that she usually was so much better at masking on full display.

“Hey,” Evan offered her a meek smile.

“Hi,” she uttered.

He sat down next to her. He didn’t know what to say. She probably didn’t know what she wanted to hear.

“My parents are talking to his dean.” She was upset. She was frustrated, and angry, and not ready to deal with any of that here.

“Is he with them?” Evan asked.

“Yeah,” she exhaled. “This is bad.”

“I know,” Evan murmured.

“I don’t think they’re going to expel him,” she didn’t meet Evan’s eyes. “He’s saying he was provoked.”

“He was,” Evan’s voice was stronger than he expected it to be. “I was in class with him.”

“My dad might ask you questions then,” Zoe’s voice had a warning tone. “He’s getting all lawyer on them. The school has policies about people with disabilities. I didn’t realize that applied this stuff.”

“It does,” Evan knew all about what the school could and couldn’t say to people with mental illnesses. It was the only reason he was allowed to leave class if he got overwhelmed without it showing up as an absence on his record.

The school knew what they could and couldn’t say so someone who had major depression and had only just survived a suicide attempt a few months ago. But he also knew that it wasn’t just their peers who had preconceived judgments about Connor Murphy. Bending the rules for the depressed kid was different than bending the rules for the kid who threw a printer at his teacher in second grade. The kid who would skip class to get stoned and push through people in the hallways didn’t get the gentle pity of adults.

“I thought things were gonna be different,” Zoe seemed to regret letting the words leave her lips.

“They still can be,” Evan told her.

“How?” She looked at him.

“He’s trying,” Evan tried to remind her.

“Trying didn’t stop this from happening,” she said back. No, it didn’t. Trying was probably the reason it happened in the first place. The apathetic Connor would not have been that upset.

“I’m sorry,” was all Evan could say to her.

She didn’t deserve this and neither did Connor. Neither did their mother who had probably nearly had a heart attack when she heard what happened, or their father who after years of not understanding his own kid was arguing with the school administrators over their rights.

“This sucks,” Zoe stated.

“Yeah,” Evan hummed. It really did.

Connor went home early that day, but Zoe refused to leave. Evan stayed with her outside of the office until the rest of the Murphy’s left the campus. He only caught a glimpse of Connor as they walked out of the office. He didn’t need to see his face to imagine the tired eyes and numb expression.

“I can give you a ride home,” Zoe told him at the end of the day.

“Do you think you could take me to your house?” Evan made himself ask. He needed to talk to Connor. He knew he wasn’t alright, but maybe he wasn’t in as terrible of a head space ad Evan was afraid of.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Zoe’s tone was clipped.

“I just want to see how he’s doing,” Evan told her.

“I know,” she offered him a very exhausted smile. “But my parents probably don’t want anyone over after that.”

“Right,” Evan swallowed. Mental health aside, Connor was probably still in trouble for losing it that badly.

“I can still drive you home, though,” Zoe added.

“That’s alright,” he replied. She shouldn’t have to worry about him today. “I can catch a ride with Jared.”

“You sure?” She raised an eyebrow in concern.

“Yeah,” he nodded. “Just go home and rest.”

“Rest? In our house?” Zoe tried to laugh. It came out flat. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” Evan smiled at her.

When she left he didn’t look for Jared. Instead he walked home and ignored the twisting in his gut. At some point he needed to actually learn not to hide from the people close to him.

He waited until that night to call Connor. Part of him had hoped that maybe Connor would call him—that he’d need Evan to help talk him through whatever he was going to do now. Evan knew that was a little bit unreasonable of him to want. He knew if he were in Connor’s shoes he’d be to scared to contact anyone, even the one person aside from his family that he trusted.

That didn’t mean that being the one to dial the numbers and listen to the dial tone was any less nerve racking.

“Hey,” Connor picked up after a few rings. He sounded so drained Evan almost regretted calling.

“Hi,” Evan said into his phone. “Are you okay?”

“Not at all,” Connor said dryly.

“Right,” Evan mentally slapped himself. “Stupid question.”

“Is that all?” Connor asked.

“Not really,” Evan didn’t know what he was supposed to say. “I mean, if you can’t talk—or if it’s too much to talk—you can hang up. That’s fine, I won’t be offended or anything.”

“I can talk,” Connor uttered.

“Okay,” Evan swallowed.

There was a silence on the other end of the line. Then he heard Connor take a breath.

“Can you just say it already?” Connor’s voice was rougher now.

“Say what?” Evan stammered.

“I don’t know,” Connor was probably glaring at his phone. Evan could feel the glare. “That I freaked you out, and you get why everyone hates me, and you don’t want to be my friend anymore.”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Evan didn’t know where the strength in his voice was coming from. Connor didn’t seem to either, but Evan wasn’t going to waste his loss for words. “After everything you honestly thought I was going to say that to you?”

“You saw what happened,” Connor uttered.

“Yeah, and unlike everyone else in that room, I fucking know you Connor Murphy,” Evan didn’t stop the offense from bleeding into his words. “I’m not going to cut ties the second something doesn’t go right. I thought you knew me better than that.”

“I’m sorry,” Connor said after a second. “It’s been a really long day.”

“Yeah,” Evan sighed. “I know.”

“Also you just swore,” Connor added.

“I did,” Evan felt a small grin form on his face.

“I don’t think they’re going to suspend me,” Connor informed him. “My dad kinda yelled at my dean and one of the girls in our class told the office what our teacher said before I lost my shit.”

“That’s good,” Evan meant this.

“Everyone knows what happened,” Connor said. By now the whole school had to.

“It’ll be okay,” Evan needed them both to believe this.

“I’m so tired,” Connor exhaled. “I don’t know how I thought I could get through another semester of this shit.”

“School sucks,” Evan voiced.

“It’s exhausting,” Connor told him. “Just being there is exhausting.”

“Yeah,” Evan hummed.

“Everyone thought this was gonna happen,” Connor said darkly. “They’ve all been waiting for it. Even you and Zoe were waiting for it.”

“That’s not fair,” Evan told him.

“I don’t know how I’m gonna go back tomorrow,” Connor sounded like he was going to start crying.

“If anyone says anything to you I’ll beat them up,” Evan said decidedly.

Connor laughed.

“That’s something I’d like to see,” he told Evan.

“I’ll get Alana to help,” Evan added.

“Of course you will,” Connor said.

“I’m not joking,” Evan made his voice as serious as he could.

“You’re so weird,” Connor informed him.

“I know,” Evan smiled into the phone.

“Can you stay on a bit more?” Connor asked. “We don’t have to talk about today, I just, it helps to not be by myself.”

“I can stay as long as you need me to,” Evan meant this.

“Thank you,” Connor murmured.

“Don’t thank me until I’ve punched one of our classmates,” Evan said warningly.

“I almost want to see that,” Connor laughed again.

Chapter Text

Connor was fully aware that his family was upset. They knew he was going to mess up at some point. They fucking expected him to, but they had no idea it was going to be this bad. They didn’t talk about it for the rest of the day. They hadn’t really talked to Connor directly about it at all. Sure, he’d been in the room when the dean explained what happened but none of his father’s arguments or his mother’s concern had been directed at him.

Dinner had been uncomfortable. Zoe looked so done with all of them, and Connor really couldn’t blame her. He didn’t know what people were saying once he left school but he doubted it was anything positive.

At some point he knew he was going to get the lecture from his father. That was inevitable, even if he thought that the school’s reaction to the incident was unfair. He’d tailor his language the way he’d been doing since the attempt, but he was still going to tell Connor that he had to do better. Connor wasn’t really to hear that.

When he was getting ready for school the next morning, his mother stopped him. She told him that it might be better if he stayed home today to rest. It wasn’t an instruction, but Connor knew that she wasn’t going to take no for an answer. That was fine with him. He was dreading seeing the way his peers looked at him.

She took him to therapy. He hadn’t realized she’d made an appointment, but that made sense.

Connor’s therapist asked what happened as if she’d hadn’t been given the full report by his mother the night before. Connor didn’t want to talk about what happened. He didn’t want to think about it. Not that that could be avoided.

“I fucked up,” Connor informed her.

They talked about why what set him off set him off. They brainstormed what he could do if something like this happened in the future—when something like this happened again.

Connor couldn’t fully remember the moment. It was fuzzy from the anger and his want to forget it. He remembered feeling like he couldn’t breathe before it happened. He couldn’t feel anything expect for his control slipping away and an overwhelming adrenaline that filled him with a painful pulse.

He told his therapist that. They talked about panic attacks.

That made Connor think of the time he and Zoe had broken into Evan’s house. Evan’s panic was so different from his own. Evan curled up, he hid from the world in the hope that doing so would save him from whatever chemicals had planted inside his chest.

Connor never let himself look small. He lashed out. He forgot and hurt whoever was closest. Even—no, especially if that was himself.

He’d never claimed he was better. He knew that he had so far still to go and that it was impossible for a few months of treatment and understanding to fix an illness. But he thought that he was at least different. He let himself believe that Evan Hansen had saved him from himself and the fight for his sanity had been won that day in the bathroom.

The fight was only just beginning whether he liked it or not.

His mother didn’t turn her car radio on for the car ride home. That meant she wanted to talk. He knew that she was worried, but she was also human. She had to also be mad or disappointed or overwhelmed. He’d nearly gotten himself kicked out of school she had to feel something more that the same quiet fear she’d carried around since the hospital.

Connor waited for her to start. He kept his eyes on the road ahead of them. The other cars full of people with normal lives and normal problems. The telephone wire. Waiting. Waiting for her to just say something. Literally anything.

That she was upset. That he needed to be better. That she was trying so fucking hard and it looked like he wasn’t at all.

“I’m sorry.”

He didn’t know why his voice came out so loud. He couldn’t even stop himself from shouting in a car how was he supposed to control everything else? How was this woman, and his father, and his sister supposed to put up with him.

“I know you are,” she told him.

“I am trying,” he needed to say this even if it meant nothing—even though it didn’t take back that he’d messed up.

“I know,” she said again. “I’m proud of you.”

“Why?” He asked before he could stop himself. That wasn’t what he expected to hear from her. She was supposed to be frustrated, and disappointed, and at the end of her rope. Pride didn’t make sense.

“This is hard for all of us,” her voice was gentle. “But we can’t imagine how hard it is for you.”

“It’s my fault,” Connor uttered. All of this was because of his everything wrong with his head. If he could just be normal like the rest of them then they wouldn’t be in this mess.

“No,” she said sternly. “It’s not your fault that you’re sick, Connor.”

He didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say.

“How can I make right now easier?” She asked.

“I don’t know,” he said hollowly.

“Maybe you went back to school too early,” she started.

“No,” Connor was surprised at the sharpness of his own reply. “I want to stay in school.”

If he didn’t he’d get more behind. If he didn’t he’d loose his shot of finding his own normal. He needed to see he was working toward something, even if that work hurt.

“Okay,” she smiled now. “We’ll figure it out then.”

“Okay,” he nodded.

He didn’t feel better, but at least he didn’t feel any worse.

Connor spent the rest of his day trying to make sense of the homework he knew he’d be expected to have finished outburst or not. He didn’t notice when his sister came home from school. She was better at not making an entrance than he was.

His phone had several texts from Evan that he didn’t know how to answer. Zoe had to have explained why he wasn’t in school, so at least Evan wasn’t worried he’d disappeared or something. Connor tried to push away the knot in his chest.

He wasn’t ignoring Evan, but he didn’t know how to feel about everything said last night. It was funny that in the middle of all the shit going on part of him was still being eaten up by stupid unrequited feelings.

Connor was messing everything up with Evan, whether Evan realized it or not. At some point he was going to want to talk about what they’d let happen over Christmas. At some point Connor was going to have to put everything on the table.

The problem wasn’t even that he didn’t want to. He did. Dancing around emotions was torture and the thought of letting them all go sounded like bliss.

But that meant putting everything to words. That meant admitting it was real and Connor knew too well how easily real things could be damaged.

Before he lost his nerve, Connor forced himself to dial Evan’s number. He wasn’t sure his brain could function well enough to type out letters on his phone, it would be easier just to talk even if that meant subjecting the both of them to the discomfort phone calls always ended up being.

“Hey,” Evan sounded on edge, but no more than normal.

“Hi,” Connor made his voice as even as he could. “Sorry, I should have texted you back.”

“No, it’s fine,” Evan chirped.

It probably wasn’t fine. Evan was probably worried and irritated, but he wasn’t going to just say that. He lacked the confrontation that Connor never knew how to let go of.

“Are you okay?” Evan asked.

“Yeah,” Connor was surprised that he meant this. “I’ll probably be back tomorrow.”

“Right,” Evan might be nodding.

“My mom wanted me to rest today,” Connor said.

“That’s good,” Evan stated.

“I guess,” Connor sighed. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“You will,” Evan might have been smiling. Connor wished he could see that smile. Maybe it would make him feel a little less empty. “Bye, Connor.”

“Bye, Ev.” Connor hung up first.

He spent the next hour glaring at his ceiling and trying to imagine how he was going to get through the next day. He could ask Alana to distract all of the idiots who would want to talk to him or just fucking stare. Then again, she wasn’t exactly good at being subtle. Enlisting her help might just make everything worse.

A knock on his doorway startled him out of his thoughts.

“Is dinner ready?” He asked his father blandly.

“Not yet.” His father crossed the room.

Connor watched him take a seat at the chair at the desk. He could feel the tension radiating off of him. That wasn’t exactly knew for either of them, but it was never this hesitant before.

“I thought we could talk,” his father started.

Connor resisted the urge to ask why. Sarcasm wasn’t going to make this any easier. He knew exactly what this conversation was going to be, and he did not want to have it.

“Okay,” Connor pushed himself to a sitting position.

He watched his father struggle for where to start. This was new ground for both of them.

“There are always going to be people who get under your skin.” Those words were not the right place to start. “You can’t react like this if you want them to leave you alone.”

“That’s not fair,” Connor uttered.

“I know it’s not,” his father started.

“No you don’t,” Connor nearly shouted. “You’re not in my head—you didn’t even admit something was wrong with me until I tried to kill myself—you don’t fucking know!”

Connor regretted the words the second he let them spill from his mouth. He braced himself for the fall out. His father didn’t come here to fight with him, but of course that was what Connor had to make it. He couldn’t just accept that his family wanted to be on his side—that they maybe wanted to help. No everything had to be a fucking war, and if he thought he was actually going to win he was an idiot.

None of them won this. They never did.

“You’re right,” his father sighed.

Connor blinked at him. And suddenly all of the tension was gone, replaced with a silent fear both of them held that they really weren’t going to be able to get past clashing over trying to help. They were more the same than either of them acknowledged. Connor wondered if his mother and Zoe could see that.

“They told us what your teacher said,” his father told him as if Connor hadn’t been sitting in the office as his parents argued with his dean.

“I know,” Connor stated.

“Was it the word disappointing that upset you?” He asked.

Connor could say that it was a hundred little things he’d brushed aside that week manifesting into one awful moment. That wouldn’t exactly be a lie. He knew that this had been a breaking point, and maybe if every day before it had been easy he wouldn’t have lost control. Still, there was a reason this was what it took to break him. That didn’t mean he wanted either of his parents to know that.

“Yeah,” Connor admitted.

“Why?” His father knew the answer.

“Do we have to talk about this?” Connor asked back. He knew he was in trouble. He’d take a punishment—hell, he’d maybe even be able to stomach a lecture—but he wasn’t doing this.

“Yes,” his father said firmly. He was good at being unwavering. Connor had always been aware of this.

“Because it’s true,” Connor winced.

“You are not a disappointment,” his father tried.

“Tell that to you one year ago,” Connor shot back with an anger that somewhere he knew was meant form himself.

He saw his father’s eyes darken. This was exactly what he was trying to avoid.

“This is my fault,” his father stated.

“Dad—”

“I’m sorry,” he looked like he was going to cry. “I should have been a better father.”

“It’s not your fault,” Connor stopped him. “It’s not mine either. It’s like the doctors kept saying. It’s our DNA—it’s chemicals, it’s an illness. Us beating ourselves up about it doesn’t make anyone feel better. Actually, I’m pretty sure if just makes shit worse.”

“When did you get to be so smart?” His father almost smiled.

“No idea,” Connor replied.

“You know we’re going to have to talk more about what happened at school,” his father said in an almost warning tone.

“Yeah,” Connor sighed.

“It can’t happen again,” he added. “I know that’s a lot to ask, but you’re on thin ice at that school.”

“I know,” Connor said hollowly.

“Come on,” his father stood up. “Your mom’s probably done with dinner by now.”

“Right,” Connor nodded.

Dinner was only a little bit more quiet than usual. To Connor’s relief, everyone seemed to be done talking about his outburst. He expected his father to tell him he was grounded, and that meant the he couldn’t have friends over for a week. There wasn’t really anything else that his parents could restrict aside from driving, but it was easier for both of them if him and Zoe switched off who was behind the wheel when getting to and from school.

“Can we talk?” Zoe stopped him as he was walking back to his room after dinner.

Connor hadn’t exactly seen this coming. Sure, he knew that she had thoughts about what happened, but she wasn’t the sort of person to like rehashing this shit. She was supposed to be the one person in the house that didn’t need him to explain why exactly he got pushed over the edge.

“I don’t want to,” he said honestly.

“Dad said you’re not supposed to have friends over,” she kept talking anyway.

“He did,” Connor stated.

“Why didn’t he just say you can’t have Evan over?” She asked a little too slowly.

Connor knew that Zoe could see him freeze. This wasn’t a conversation he thought that he was going to have to have.

“I don’t know, Zoe.” He sighed. “Maybe he’s trying to pretend he’s not painfully aware that I only have one friend.”

“Are you friends with Alana?” She asked point blank.

“I guess,” Connor tried to shrug. He didn’t think she was going to be that blunt. It must have been bothering her from the first day back at school.

"Connor, can you drop the act for one second?” She was frustrated. Maybe that wasn’t just because of this, but it was how it was coming out.

“I’m tired,” he told her.

“So am I,” she pressed.

“Do you dislike her that much?” Connor asked.

“I don’t dislike her,” Zoe sputtered. “I thought you did.”

“I don’t,” he said evenly.

“Yeah, and I’m just confused exactly when that happened,” her voice was sharp now. “I’m not mad—”

“Good, you shouldn’t be,” he uttered crisply.

“Why didn’t you just tell me you were friends with her?” She was exasperated. Somewhere, Connor knew he was going to regret inciting that but he couldn’t focus on that right now.

“This is seriously what you’re pissed off about?” He asked back.

“Yeah, it is.” She crossed her arms. “I just don’t get why you kept me out of the loop.”

“It’s not your business,” he decided. Because at the end of the day it wasn’t—at the end of the day he should get to have parts of his life that weren’t on display for everyone to see.

“That is not fair,” her voice had a warning in it. He didn’t listen.

“Why do I have to have the curtesy of telling you everything?” He demanded. “It’s not like you ran it by me when you asked my only friend out!”

She flinched. That hit a nerve.

“Why are you bringing that up?” She asked. Her voice was softer now, but Connor was too fed up and full of repressed emotions to hear that.

“Did you even stop to think how I felt about it?” He pushed.

“Of course I did,” she stammered.

“Evan called me,” Connor remembered. “But you didn’t even mention it until days after.”

“Connor we cut it off because we didn’t want to hurt you!” She was shouting now.

“And who’s idea was that?” He scoffed. “Yours or his?”

“Stop it!”

“What’s going on?” Their mother’s voice cut through the yelling. Connor hadn’t even see her enter the hallway, but she stood there—her hands on her hips—looking at the both of them for an answer.

“Nothing,” Connor turned to his room. He wasn’t doing this tonight. “I’m going to bed.”

An hour later there was a knock at his doorframe.

“Hey,” Zoe didn’t enter the room, but it was clear she wasn’t leaving without having him hear whatever it was she needed to say.

“What do you want?” He asked blankly.

“To argue,” she said with a small smile.

“Same,” he tried to smile back.

“Well, we are related,” she let out a small huff as she walked into the room. She sat at the edge of his bed. He could tell she wasn’t completely comfortable. “I still want an answer. About Alana.”

“Fine,” he exhaled. He needed to get this over with at some point. “She’s been helping me catch up on school work so that this semester would be less hectic.”

“Okay,” Zoe’s brow furrowed. It reminded Connor of their father. “And that was too much to tell me?”

“I guess I just wanted something private,” Connor tried. “Everyone knows every detail about me."

“Did you tell Evan?” She asked.

“Yeah,” Connor admitted.

He watched her take a breath. She was trying not to loose her temper again. He knew that was harder than it looked.

“Do you have a thing for her?” She asked.

“What?” Connor made a face. “No. Not at all.”

“Okay.” She folded her hands in her lap.

For a moment neither of them said anything.

“I’m sorry I asked Evan out,” Zoe’s voice was genuine. “I didn’t even mean to. I was just so at the end of my rope, and finally there was someone there who was nice and decent. I guess I just wanted to hold onto that.”

“Do you regret botching the date?” Connor asked. He wasn’t sure he could live with standing between them like that. It was bad enough to feel like both of them were going to up and leave him at some point.

“No,” Zoe shook her head. I think it was just a coping thing. I don’t know. He’s cute but, I like just being his friend.”

“Thanks,” Connor needed to hear that. He probably should have said something about it a lot earlier.

“Did it bother you that much?” She asked.

“Not at the time,” he told her honestly. “It’s complicated.”

“Emotions usually are,” she pursed her lips.

“Stop trying to sound wise,” he teased.

He could tell her about his feelings for Evan. He wasn’t sure if the date wouldn’t have hurt if it weren’t for that. But part of him was still terrified of letting any of those thoughts leave his lips. Part of him was always going to be terrified, even when it was time to confront Evan about what happened on Christmas.

Connor had kissed Evan and wasn’t saying anything about it. He was a shitty friend. He was a really shitty friend. Maybe he could be a little bit less of a shitty brother.

“You know,” he started. “I would have told you about Alana, but we spent most of the study time talking about you. I didn’t really know how to bring it up.”

“What do you mean talking about me?” It took a moment for Zoe to get it. Connor could see the exact second that she did. “Oh.”

“Yeah,” he let out a laugh.

“My love life is really none of your business,” she informed him.

“I know,” he grinned at her.

“Did she say for how long?” Zoe asked.

“Not really,” Connor shrugged.

“Wow,” Zoe shook her head. “For someone who’s really bad at hiding things, she’s really good at hiding things.”

“Does this mean you like her too?” Connor couldn’t help asking.

“I don’t know,” Zoe told him. “I kinda put all of that kind of stuff on hold.”

“For what?” He asked.

“Life to calm down.”

“Which we both know never happens,” he stated bluntly. “For what it’s worth, I think you guys would be a good fit.”

“You’re not off the hook for not telling me about her helping you with school stuff,” Zoe said in a warning tone. “But it’s kinda sweet that you were trying to set me up. Incredibly weird, but sweet.”

“Are we good?” He asked softly.

“Yeah,” she nodded. “Can we stop with all the drama? Do you think that’s possible for us?”

“I can try,” he told her.

“That’s all I’m asking for,” she smiled before standing up. “‘G’night, Connor.”

“Night.”

Chapter Text

Evan stared at his email. He watched the letters blur into black and white lines, hoping that maybe when he blinked their meaning would evaporate. That way he wouldn’t have to deal with what they meant, and he wouldn’t have to find a way to put to words the hole that this was tearing inside of him.

He hadn’t thought he was going to get into most of the school’s he applied to. His grades were good but they weren’t amazing, he only had the bare minimum of community service hours, and his extracurricular activities were nonexistent. The schools would look at his application and reject him. He would take that with a grain of salt and prepare to spend the next four years at the affordable community college.

Looking at an acceptance letter from his top school—the school he’d stopped himself from fantasizing about attending—was making him sick.

He wasn’t going to tell anyone. That was an easy enough decision. It was the only thing about right now that was remotely easy.

It would be harder not to talk to someone, but it wasn’t like he had someone to talk to for most of his life. Maybe a year ago he would have told Jared, but he knew Jared couldn’t deal with his issues right now because apparently he couldn’t deal with Evan right now.

Connor and Zoe wouldn’t understand. That wasn’t their faults. After everything the two of them had to endure, Evan was glad that financial struggles weren’t on the list. He couldn’t try to explain to either of them what he was feeling. He didn’t want to.

At some point he was going to have to talk to his mother. The acceptance package would come in the mail soon, and then they’d have a talk about what he was going to have to do. He would put that conversation off as long as he could. This was only going to hurt her, and she actually seemed pretty happy right now.

He wanted to call Connor. Being able to think about something else even for just a second sounded so blissful. An hour ago Zoe had texted him that Connor was grounded, and right now that extended to phone privileges. Evan would have to wait until school the next day, and that just made it so much harder for him to stay sane.

It was funny that the only person more broken than him had become his rock.

It was wrong to think that. Evan knew this, but some part of him had been holding onto the fact that he was just a bit more stable than Connor. It made him feel like the strong one, and Evan had never been that before to anyone.

He guessed this was the downside. Not that there weren’t already hundreds of downsides fo the both of them. Connor was going through hell right now. Evan couldn’t just dump his problems on him.

He wasn’t a great friend, but he was better than that.

“Is everything alright?” Connor’s voice was soft enough for the people around them not to hear, but loud enough that Evan could pick out the worry.

They were walking to lunch after somehow making it through their beginning classes. Evan had been terrified for their first period, but both Connor and their teacher had been set in acting like the events of the other day hadn’t happened. There was an air of uncomfortable tension, but at least Connor wasn’t called on at all.

That thought put a pit in Evan’s stomach. This day was already hard enough this for Connor without Evan making him worry on top of that.

“Yeah,” Evan pushed out the word. “Just anxious.”

It was easier to pin the unrest inside of him on anxiety, when really it was completely rational thoughts that were bombarding him and that was what was so scary.

A long time ago he would have considered worrying about the real future a luxury, but this was so much worse. This was something he couldn’t hide from, and he knew he was going to have to find the answer to at some point.

“Right,” Connor nodded. “I hate today.”

“Yeah,” Evan let out a small laugh.

Connor didn’t ask anymore after that. Evan told himself that he didn’t mind that. Connor would’ve be able to read him that flawlessly, even after all their history. No, it was everything they’d been through that proved Connor shouldn’t be able to. He wouldn’t know what crisis Evan looked like, because life was always a crisis.

That shouldn’t make Evan feel alone.

Alana sat with them at lunch. Evan made a mental note to ask Connor if that meant that Zoe knew that him and Alana were friends. That had to be the case, since the awkward tension between her and Zoe had pretty much dissipated. In fact, they were chatting like they were old friends.

Connor seemed to find that amusing. If Evan wasn’t so on the brink, he knew he probably would too. For all Alana social flaws, she was good at including everyone in a conversation and would ask Evan his thoughts every so often.

The corner of the hallway shouldn’t have been big enough for the four of them, but somehow it was. That should make Evan happy. It should make him feel like he belonged.

Connor and Zoe weren’t at school the day everything suddenly became too much. Connor said something about a family member’s birthday and how their parents wanted them to be their for the celebration. Evan could hear how hard he was trying to sound annoyed, when he really seemed excited. Listening to that had been enough to make Evan not dread the day at school alone.

Then he was suddenly at school by himself, and everyone’s voices were suddenly too loud, and of course he had the stupid idea to check is email and look at what was still sitting at the top of his inbox. All the could think about was money and how much every school he’d applied to wanted and how much he and his mother didn’t have.

He hated that he wasn’t smart enough to get the right scholarships or dumb enough that at least he wouldn’t have to say no to dreams he could no longer convince himself he didn’t want. This was suffocating him and he couldn’t take it. He really couldn’t take it.

Evan didn’t know if Connor being there that day would have made him feel better. He was’t foolish enough to this that seeing his face would some how make the pain in his chest go away, but it would be nice to have someone look at him without judgement that Evan wasn’t sure was real or not. It would be nice to have someone know he wasn’t okay and be on his side.

Maybe Connor being there wouldn’t have changed anything, but Evan knew for sure it would have made him less frozen when he was put on the spot in their shared French class. The worse part was that he did know the answer that their teacher was asking him for, but he couldn’t breathe enough to talk. The words stuck to the back of his throat as his entire body stuck itself in a permanent chill. He didn’t even make it out of the classroom before he started crying.

He wasn’t exactly sure how he made it to the bathroom. That didn’t matter as he locked himself behind the largest stall and fell apart on the dirty floor. The thought of everyone watching him break would haunt him later, but right now he just needed to remember how to breathe and stop his chest form burning.

He didn’t know how much time had passed when he heard the bathroom door open. That sent a jolt through him, but he couldn’t slow his breathing and broken sobs. He hoped whoever it was would just turn around and decide to go to another bathroom, because Evan really couldn’t handle someone hearing the mess that he was right now.

“Evan?”

It took a second for his name to register in his brain and another for him to recognize the voice. What was Jared doing here? Even if he could force his throat to let words come out of him, he didn’t know what he was supposed say in response to that.

“You’re in there right?” Jared sounded like he was coming closer into the bathroom. “You weren’t in English. Someone said something about you freaking out.”

Evan hadn’t thought that Jared would have even noticed that he was missing from class. Jared barely acknowledged him during class. They didn’t even sit together.

“Can I come in?” Jared’s hand nocked on the bathroom stall door.

Evan couldn’t reach the latch to open it from the floor. He couldn’t move enough to stand, and even if he was close enough he still probably wouldn’t be able to do anything. He was such a mess. This was such a mess and nothing was making any sense.

“I can’t,” his voice choked out. “Can’t reach…door.”

“Oh,” Jared was silent for half a second. “No problem.”

Then next thing Evan knew Jared was rolling under the door. If Evan could summon enough air into his lungs to breathe without it burning, he might have laughed.

The second Jared stood up was when reality must have set in. Suddenly Evan couldn’t focus on figuring out why Jared of all people was here, and Jared looked more at a loss than Evan had ever seen from him. Neither of them knew what was supposed to happen now.

Jared had seen Evan crumble before. He was never rude about it, well at least not intentionally, but Evan knew that it made him uncomfortable. Jared had ever understood why Evan was set over the edge, and seeing him like this always ended up with him questioning why little stupid things broke Evan so badly.

Evan couldn’t deal with having to explain himself now. He couldn’t deal with the hurt of knowing that at the end of the day acting like this only really made him pathetic. That was what he was and what he was always going to be. Maybe it was fitting that Jared was here to see this, since he’d been the one to call it from the start.

Evan felt a hand gently pat his back.

“Does this help?” Jared asked uncertainly.

Evan couldn’t answer. He couldn’t do anything. Jared didn’t move his hand. He didn’t say anything else, he just sat there next to Evan, quietly reminding him he wasn’t completely alone.

“Sorry,” Evan murmured when his voice was back and he had finally stopped shaking.

“It’s okay,” Jared’s eyes didn’t meet Evan’s. His expression was confusing. It looked almost scared. “Is, um, is it always this bad?”

“Not always,” Evan stammered. He didn’t know how to articulate the lows he always seemed to let himself fall into, and the fact that he was talking to Jared didn’t help. “But a lot of the time, yeah.”

Jared flinched and Evan almost regretted the honest answer, but part of him just needed to finally be completely honest with someone.

“You haven’t,” Jared started. “You haven’t thought about…”

Evan heard the words Jared didn’t speak. The question caught him off guard, but this time it wasn’t out of fear of someone knowing the answer.

“Are you okay?” Evan asked. Jared’s gaze whipped to him in surprise.

“Aren’t I supposed to ask you that?” Jared spoke too quickly. “I’m not the one who was crying.”

“Jared,” Evan made his voice firm. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Jared said dismissively. “You wanna skip English or something? We could like raid my mom’s licker cabinet.”

“Is this because you’ve been avoiding me?” Evan asked. That seemed to snap the avoidance out of Jared.

“I haven’t been avoiding you,” he said bitterly. “I thought you were avoiding me.”

Evan didn’t know what to say to that. This was his fault.

“It’s fine,” Jared muttered. “I kinda deserved it, anyway.”

“What does that mean?” Evan asked.

Jared flinched again. This time Evan took in how wrong the action looked coming from him.

“This isn’t about me,” Evan realized.

Jared wasn’t talking to him, he never really did. Usually that was fine, but right now Evan needed what ever barrier the two of them had never bothered to break down to dissolve. No, Jared needed it to dissolve. Jared needed Evan.

“What’s going on?” Evan asked again.

For a second Jared didn’t say anything.

“I keep thinking about Connor,” Jared stated. “Actually, I don’t think there was a point that I stopped thinking about him since that day we found him.”

“It was jarring,” Evan uttered.

“It was fucking terrifying,” Jared pulled his arms in on himself.

Evan slowly reached forward. He put his hand on Jared’s back the way Jared had done for him minutes ago.

“Sometimes I wonder what’s so different between him and you,” Jared said softly. “It’s not a long list, you know? And that really fucking freaks me out.”

“I’m not gonna end up like that,” Evan wondered if Jared could hear how falsely that rung. “This is my fault. I’m the reason you were there in the first place.”

“If we hadn’t have both been there he would have died,” Jared said solemnly. “If we had been a minute later he would have died. How do you carry that?”

“I don’t know,” Evan answered truthfully.

“I was such and ass to him,” Jared’s voice was bitter again.

“You didn’t know,” Evan started.

“That doesn’t make it okay,” Jared said sharply. “Evan, I called him a freak the morning he tried to—”

Jared was cut off by his own sob.

Evan should have seen this coming. He should have realized how much Jared was hurting—how much he needed someone to lean on. The signs had been right in front of him, but he looked away. Maybe they weren’t friends, maybe they had a lot of words to take back before they could get to that, but it wasn’t right of Evan to leave Jared alone with himself.

“Let’s get out of here,” Evan didn’t recognize the calm in his own voice.

Jared just looked at him.

“You think you can drive?” He asked.

“As long as the guard doesn’t stop us,” Jared answered.

“We can be rebels,” Evan decided.

“Okay,” Jared nodded.

Evan pulled Jared to his feet. Running from there problems wasn’t the answer, but maybe today it would make the load feel a little lighter.

Chapter Text

“Just hear him out,” Evan said for what felt like the hundredth time. Connor watched as he continued to twist the end of his shirt.

“I already said I would,” Connor reminded him. He did his best to not sound irritated. He wasn’t irritated. He was, however, the slightest bit confused.

Evan had brought Connor—well, technically Connor had done the bringing since he was the one driving the car—to a McDonalds he’d never been to before. In front of the two of them was an untouched plate of fries that they had ordered so Evan wouldn’t worry that they’d get kicked out. They had only been sitting there for five minutes, but Connor could feel each second wind Evan a little tighter.

Connor hadn’t gotten a full explanation on what Evan wanted him and Jared Kleinman to talk about, but second Connor was officially ungrounded and informed Evan of that, he’d sprung the plan on him. Connor was just doing his best to have an open mind to whatever was about to go down.

He hadn’t talked to Jared Kleinman since the first day of school. Even after knowing that Jared was the one who’d called the ambulance later that day, Connor hadn’t approached the guy. Sure, he’d thought about it, but what was he supposed to say?

Sitting in a room that smelt like grease with Evan Hansen playing mediator didn’t make the situation feel any less confrontational. Connor would listen, because that was what Evan wanted him to do. He owed Jared that much, and Evan so much more.

Jared looked just as nervous as Evan when he walked inside. Connor wasn’t sure what to think about that. Evan seemed to relax a little bit when he saw Jared approaching them. It was only then that Connor realized Evan had been afraid that Jared wasn’t going to show. Maybe a few months ago that prospect would have pissed him off, but today it only gave Connor more questions. What was so stressful that Jared Kleinman was afraid to talk to him about?

“Hey,” Jared said.

For a second he just stood awkwardly in front of the table. Connor didn’t say anything. Evan looked like he meant to, but maybe the words just didn’t make it out. That happened sometimes with him.

The stillness didn’t last very long. In a quicker movement than Connor’s eyes were ready to register, Evan was standing up and jumping out of the booth. He ushered Jared into his seat before stammering something about needing some air and bolting out of the restaurant’s doors.

“He could have made that smoother,” Connor commented.

“Yeah,” Jared let out an uncomfortable laugh.

“Why am I here?” Connor asked point blank. He wasn’t going to dance around the subject. The idea of the two of them grasping at small talk gave him a headache.

“He didn’t tell you?” Jared blinked at him.

“Not really,” Connor leaned back in the booth.

He could feel the plastic threatening to stick to the back of his jacket. This was why he hated fast food places. Well, that and the fact that his mother could have a heart attack over the idea of her child consuming anything served here.

“Right,” Jared swallowed.

“So?” Connor prompted.

“I’m sorry,” Jared stated.

At first, Connor just looked at him.

“For what?” He asked slowly.

“Fuck,” Jared make a face. “Literally everything I’ve ever said to you.”

“That’s a long list, Kleinman.” Connor had meant this as a joke, but the wince Jared gave in response made the words taste sour.

“The truth is,” Jared’s eyes were trained on his hands. His fingers nervously locked on the table top. Connor wondered how many germs he was exposing himself to with just that simple movement. “I still think about that day. Actually, I kinda can’t think about anything else.”

That was when Connor realized what this was. Jared had been with Evan when he found him. Jared had seen Connor in the bathroom. He’d seen the kid that he’d picked at since grade school with his veins open, and it must have scared the shit out of him.

If he was being completely honest with himself, and Connor was slowly getting better at doing so, he wanted to think that was fair. For so long Connor had hated the boy sitting in front of him. Sure, there were about one hundred people in their school worse than Jared Kleinman, but that didn’t mean that the little insults disguised as jokes hadn’t stung. Connor wanted to hate Jared, because he’d always hated Jared and seeing him vulnerable shouldn’t change that.

But now that he was able to take a step back, Connor could see it was that hate that was slowly killing him.

For what felt like his whole life he’d watched his relationships with his family slowly deteriorate because of that hate, and it was sort of a miracle he’d been able to get those fixed. Connor let the seed inside him that wanted to despise Jared Kleinman rip a hole in him. He was done living like that.

It wasn’t Jared’s fault that Connor wasn’t normal. That never for a second made the teasing alright, but it wasn’t like Jared fit in either. They all did what they thought they had to to survive. Jared wasn’t the only one who didn’t see that keeping himself a float meant weighing down someone else. However, he was the only one who’d come to Connor and apologized without Connor saying anything.

Not to mention, at the end of the day Jared had still saved him. Maybe he was just following Evan, maybe he didn’t even know what he was doing, but if it wasn’t for him Connor wouldn’t be there to hear his apology.

“You’re an ass,” Connor uttered.

Jared looked like Connor had just slapped him. Never had Connor seen this kid so at a loss for words.

“But you understand that you teasing me didn’t put me in that bathroom, right?” Connor asked. “Seriously. It wasn’t your fault. Not in the slightest.”

“Thanks for saying that,” Jared’s voice sounded dry.

“I don’t say shit I don’t mean,” Connor informed him.

“Do you think we could be friends?” Jared sounded slightly hopeful.

“Are you even friends with Evan?” Connor asked back. He watched Jared’s face darken again and almost regretted the retort.

“I’ve done a lot of shitty things,” Jared told him.

“I get that,” Connor smiled slightly. “How about we start with not being enemies?”

“I think I can do that,” Jared grinned at him.

“Cool,” Connor stood up. “Now I have to get the fuck out of here before the smell makes me vomit.”

Jared laughed what sounded like a genuine laugh. Connor didn’t expect it to feel nice that he was the one to cause it.

They found Evan waiting in the parking lot. Connor saw Jared give him two thumbs up as he walked to his car. They were probably going to talk about what just happened on their own. Connor liked the idea of Evan and Jared talking. He liked the idea of Evan having another person who he understood wanted him around, even if that person was Jared Kleinman.

“You’re a good friend,” Connor told him as they got into the car.

“I’m not really,” Evan seemed to say before he could stop himself.

“Yeah, you are,” Connor turned in his seat to look Evan dead in the eye. “Thanks for making that happen.”

“You’re welcome,” Evan said in a smaller voice.

“How much has he been…” Connor searched for the right words. “Upset.”

“I don’t know,” Evan’s hand made a fist. “I should, but I don’t.”

“It’s not your fault,” Connor told him firmly. “You’re the reason it’s stopping now.”

“I hope so,” Evan said sadly. “Guilt is hard to get rid of.”

“It’s not just guilt,” Connor told him.

“I know,” Evan said. “I just wish I realized that he was going through it sooner.”

“You helped him now,” Connor reminded him.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded.

“I think we both have problems with not taking actions sooner,” Connor said before he realized what he was insinuating.

“Yeah?”

Evan was staring at him. His eyes were large, and brown, and almost expectant. Connor couldn’t just shut up now. He needed to see this through. It didn’t matter than they should have had this conversation ages ago, or that there were so many better setting than a McDonalds parking lot to do this.

“Christmas,” Connor didn’t know why he thought just stating the word was enough.

He wanted to slap himself. He wanted the ground to swallow him up. This was too embarrassing for him to handle, and Evan was still just staring at him.

“I,” Connor winced. “We should talk about it.”

“Right,” Evan nodded in a jerky motion that made Connor freeze.

Evan looked like a dear in headlights. This wasn’t the right time to try to do this. Maybe there wasn’t ever going to be a right time, because Evan so clearly looked like he didn’t want to. Connor was such an idiot.

He didn’t know what heart break felt like, because he’d always been too busy being broken to worry about boys, but this had to be what it was. Connor couldn’t believe he’d actually let himself believe that this was somehow going to end with him and Evan together. From the start, he’d known that Evan couldn’t like him like that. Connor was supposed to just be happy that Evan liked him at all. Wanting more was greedy.

“I’m sorry,” Connor pushed emotions from his voice. “I get that it was a mistake. You were really tired, and I was all over the place. It’s fine that you didn’t mean it, I just—”

And then Evan’s lips were on his again.

Connor kissed him back. He pulled Evan as close as he could and prayed to whatever the fuck he was supposed to believe in that this was really happening. In the back of his mind, he wanted to laugh that this was by far the nicest way anyone had told him to shut up.

Chapter Text

Evan wanted to ask Connor what they were, but the fear that putting a word on them would invite enough logic to kill it kept his thoughts unspoken. He knew that this wasn’t like the first time, where they’d kissed and not talked about it and acted the same. Well, in some ways they were acting the same.

Connor still picked him up for school with Zoe in the passenger seat next to him. They still ate lunch together, and watched movies at Connor’s house at the end of the day. Only now, there was an unspoken code that went with the moments they shared alone. Now Evan was allowed to put his head on Connor’s shoulder while they laughed at a poorly acted scene. Now Connor was allowed to press his lips to Evan’s in the rare and short lasting seconds they found an empty corner at their school.

This wasn’t what friends did, Evan knew that much. But Connor had never voiced what he wanted them to be, and Evan was too scared to. Most of the time that didn’t matter.

They didn’t tell anyone, and sometimes that made Evan feel nice. Whatever this was it was just for him and Connor. Sometimes it made Evan feel good.

And sometimes it made him feel exactly how he’d felt before this started. He knew that wasn’t right. He knew that he should be happy now. Connor was touching him and looking at him with eyes full of light and that should have been enough to make Evan happy.

Instead he could hold Connor’s hand and still be in the same pool of nothing he so desperately wanted to escape. He hated it, and he hated that he didn’t know how to tell anyone about it. He hated that he couldn’t just be content.

If having someone like Connor hold him couldn’t make him feel whole, then what if nothing could?

Evan noticed that Jared seemed to be doing a lot better after talking to Connor. Neither of them had told him exactly what had been said, but it was enough for Connor to seem less resistant to the idea of Jared being around them than Evan would have expected.

Jared still wasn’t the same person that Evan had known all this life, but maybe that was for the better. This Jared was a lot more conscious about the things he said, and Evan felt a bit more at ease around him. It was just sad that this had to be the reason why he matured so suddenly.

Despite Jared openly calling Evan a friend and being pleasant to Connor, Evan was still surprised when he showed up to the hallway one lunch period. It was awkward at first, but soon he was joking around with Zoe and Alana as if they’d been friends for ages.

In that tiny corner of the middle of the school, all of them found a way to fit. Evan knew that he was the one who brought most of this together. Shouldn’t that mean he wasn’t supposed to feel like he was the one person who didn’t belong?

Zoe and Jared got along very well. At first Evan thought that meant Jared had a crush on her. He couldn’t exactly blame Jared for that one. But when he’d brought that up, Jared had laughed at him and said something about Zoe having a thing for Alana. Apparently Evan was blind for not seeing that one.

“Don’t you think it’s kinda weird?” Evan asked Connor after school one day.

“Not really,” Connor shrugged before flinging his school bag across the room. “It makes sense.”

Evan didn’t push the subject. Any questions pressing at his mind weren’t fair. He should be happy that both Zoe and Jared now had a good friend. Sure, Jared said he had lots of friends, but Evan was pretty sure they were coming close to him admitting most of that was just talk. Zoe hadn’t spoken to the group of girls she used to spend her time with in months. In a way, this was what they both needed.

Being jealous was wrong. Evan wasn’t going to feel envious, even if for a short time he knew he was the closest thing to a best friend either of them had. Now they had their own jokes, and didn’t seem to notice that they were leaving him out.

But that was okay. Evan was just being selfish. He was always being selfish, and that needed to stop before the rest of them realized that they didn’t need the former glue to keep their group together.

“Do you think we could talk for a second?” Connor’s voice yanked Evan out of his thoughts and back to the present.

“We’re talking now,” Evan attempted to be funny.

“You know what I mean.” Connor was smiling a fond smile that made Evan’s heart leap. He didn’t know what he’d done to deserve being the recipient of that—he wasn’t sure he did deserve or ever would for that matter.

“Yeah,” Evan sat on Connor’s bed. “We can talk.”

“I’m gay,” Connor stated.

Evan kissed him.

“You know that’s kinda obvious,” he said as he pulled away.

“Stop it,” Connor tried to look frustrated but ruined it with the laugh he couldn’t hide. “This is supposed to be a big moment.”

“Connor,” Evan put his hand on his sort of boyfriend’s shoulder. “We’ve been doing this for—what, three weeks? If anyone know’s you’re gay, it’s me.”

“I just needed to say it,” Connor rolled his eyes. “Before I say it to my family.”

“Oh.” That made more sense. “Sorry, I didn’t realize that was where this was going.”

“Don’t be,” Connor smiled at him again.

“When are you going to tell them?” Evan asked.

“Tonight.” The smile tightened.

“Okay,” Evan nodded. “Does Zoe know?”

“I’ve never said it out loud to her if that’s what you’re asking,” Connor let out a breath. “I think she does. Honestly, I’d be surprised if she didn’t, but…”

“I’m bisexual,” Evan stated.

“Oh?” Connor tilted his head. “Yeah, I guess it is a bit obvious.”

Connor kissed Evan this time. Evan closed his eyes and tried to let the rest of his thoughts slip away. Connor’s lips were almost always slightly chapped. He was always dehydrated. Evan was going to start nagging him about that. Was that too domestic?

“You’re thinking too much,” Connor laughed, his face still only a breath away from Evan’s.

“So are you,” Evan pointed out, because that was true. Connor was nervous, in fact he looked close to shaking. “Do you wanna tell me what you’re going to say to them?”

“I have to say more than ‘I’m gay?’” It was clear that Connor was only half joking.

“I guess not,” Evan shrugged. “I don’t think your parents would appreciate your just blurting it.”

“Zoe might,” Connor argued.

“Why now?” Evan let himself ask.

“I don’t know,” Connor shrugged, leaning back on the bed. “I guess because of Zoe.”

“What do you mean?” Evan hummed.

“You mean you can’t see the heart eyes her and Alana keep sending at each other?” Connor raised an eyebrow. “It’s disgustingly sweet.”

“Right,” Evan nodded. So that comment hadn’t just been Jared being Jared.

“She’s gonna want to tell them when Alana asks her out,” Connor explained. “She shouldn’t have to be the first one for that.”

“You think that’ll make it easier for her?” Evan asked.

“I know it will,” Connor's tone was close to determined. “Plus, it’s kinda supposed to be the older sibling’s job to do this shit. I dropped the ball a lot in the past. I’m not gonna anymore.”

“You’re a good brother,” Evan told him.

“I’m trying,” Connor sighed.

“I think you’re brave.” Evan also thought Connor was beautiful.

Connor was so beautiful Evan wasn’t sure how to describe it. There was something about him that almost seemed to glow. That light hadn’t been there when they first met, but that didn’t stop it from drawing Evan in. Maybe if he had enough moments like this everything else would be a little less difficult to bare.

Evan fell asleep with his head on Connor’s lap and feeling alright.

Chapter Text

Evan felt less alright when he opened his eyes.

Connor’s arm was still around him, and maybe that was what was driving him crazy. All the times where Evan had been at his lowest he’d wished for someone to be there with him. Now he had so much more than that, so why did he still feel like he was drowning?

“You awake?” Connor asked.

“Yeah,” Evan hummed.

Connor was still on edge. That was fair. Evan figured he was probably going over what he was going to say to his family again and again in his head. That made Evan feel even worse. Here was Connor who was working so hard to make genuine progress, while all Evan was doing was thinking about himself. He was pathetic.

“You should probably leave soon,” Connor told him. “I think it’s better if you’re not here incase it doesn’t go well.”

“Connor,” Evan gave him a knowing look. “After everything, this isn’t going to break you guys.”

“I know,” Connor didn’t sound confident at all. “I still think it’s better if you don’t have to witness it.”

“You say that like I usually stay for dinner,” Evan commented.

“You could, you know,” Connor replied. “Some other time. My mom’s been bugging me about it.”

“You sure that would be okay?” Evan asked for more reasons than he was pretty sure Connor could pick up on.

“Yeah,” Connor nodded. “I think it might be fun.”

“You seem a lot happier,” Evan needed to say out loud. He needed to hear himself recognize that. Connor was happy, and that should be enough to pull him out of whatever was going on in his head.

“I am,” Connor smiled. “I think we all are.”

“Yeah,” Evan murmured. Connor meant his family. They were better that they had been when Evan first met them. Zoe was better than when she’d just been that girl that Evan thought would never notice him.

Connor’s lips brushed Evan’s gently.

“You know,” Connor hummed. “I don’t think you’re ever going to realize how much you saved me.”

Evan wanted that to make him feel warm. But everything inside him was cold. Evan was feeling alone in the dark and he couldn’t reach out to anyone, because the last thing that he wanted was for Connor to stop smiling. Evan had seen how much it took to get that smile there in the first place.

Evan left half an hour later. Connor offered to drive him home, but Evan was pretty sure that was just him looking for an excuse to stall. He told Connor he didn’t mind walking. Maybe the exercise should be good for him.

That hope died quickly. It was hot out. Spring was starting, bringing with it the end of Evan’s last year of high school.

Everything was going to be different now. Not that Evan’s life this year had been anything near constant. He was used to the future being scary, but it was never because he wanted to hold onto to the present.

Did he want to hold on? He was choking every second and didn’t know how to ask for help.

He had friends now. He had Connor now. He had exactly the life he used to want.

He didn’t know how to appreciate any of it. He was so inadequate.

He was falling.

Everything in him felt heavy. He was being pulled to the ground by a weight he didn’t know how to stop carrying. Something inside him was broken and for once he didn’t know why.

He wasn’t alone anymore. He wasn’t the kid who was too anxious to have friends, the boy who’s mother never had time for him, the child who’s father abandoned him. He wasn’t small anymore.

Connor thought that he saved him. Zoe thought he could carry the both of them. Jared thought he was strong.

Evan didn’t know if he deserved any of those words. He just knew he was tired. He was tired, and in pain, and what if this was all he was ever going to be?

He couldn’t get out of bed the next morning. His mom had already left for work. He sent her a text saying that he was sick and to call the school. He told Connor that he wasn’t coming to school today.

He didn’t read the messages sent in response, but he could hear his phone buzzing on his night stand. He closed his eyes, but couldn’t sleep.

He couldn’t do anything.

It was funny how he could only ever hear this clock ticking when everything else was silent. It was never this loud when he was focused on something else, but right now it filled his ears. It pounded at his skull. Each second hammered harder, and he wasn’t sure how long he was going to be able to hold out.

Or what would happen if he couldn’t.

“Were you really sick yesterday?” Connor asked lightly.

They were sitting on his bed. This was just a normal day. Everything was normal. Evan was normal.

Except he wasn’t. Except his entire self was in shambles around him and all of the people closest to him couldn’t see that. He was broken and they couldn’t see that, and maybe that meant it didn’t really matter. It shouldn’t. Not in the long run. He had only been there for a few months. Would it he that hard to forget him if he was gone?

“Not really,” Evan said honestly.

“Rebel,” Connor joked. “Next time you wanna skip tell me. We can get ice cream.”

“Yeah,” Evan’s voice was too numb. Connor was going to notice. Then he was going to ask what was wrong. Then Evan was going to have to answer.

“Are you okay?” There it was.

Evan couldn’t do it. He couldn’t be honest and hurt Connor, but he couldn’t keep lying. All he ever did was lie, and it was killing him. It was killing him, and he didn’t care what happened after that.

“Hey,” Connor’s hand was on his thigh. He meant it to comfort him. Evan understood that. He wanted to feel that. He really did.

“I can’t do this any more,” Evan uttered.

“Oh,” Connor took his hand back. He looked like Evan had just slapped him. He looked how Evan felt. Evan made him look like that. It was Evan’s fault.

Everything was Evan’s fault.

“I’m sorry,” he choked out.

“No,” Connor stopped him. “Don’t be.”

Connor was desperately trying not to crumble and Evan could see it. Evan could see him trying not to crack, and it felt like he was being stabbed in the chest over and over again.

“I,” Connor’s breathing was very controlled. “I understand.”

“Thank you,” Evan meant this.

Connor didn’t want to fight and that was good. That should be good, because Evan wasn’t sure he could survive Connor hating him.

No, that wasn’t right. Connor reacting angrily had never been a possibility. Connor didn’t do that anymore. Connor could act rationally now.

Evan didn’t wan’t Connor to fight for him. He hadn’t expected him to, and it didn’t hurt when Connor asked if Evan wanted to watch a movie as if nothing had happened.

Evan didn’t know how to read Connor. He didn’t know what he wanted. He just knew that he didn’t like the pit in his gut or the burning in his chest.

“We need to talk,” Evan’s mom had worry lines on her brow.

Evan felt himself stiffen. He couldn’t do this right now—when it was taking every ounce of him to stay put together. His mask was slipping, and she was going to see it.

“Okay,” Evan said numbly.

There was a pizza box on the kitchen table. She usually just left money. Evan hadn’t realized that she was coming home early this time. He couldn’t remember the last time she’d been home early.

He sat down at the table. She sat across from him. Her hands were folded in front of her. Evan wondered what they looked like. He wondered if it was normal for a mother and son to be this tense. Maybe it was for people like Connor and Jared, maybe it was for everyone but they all just thought their own experiences were exclusive.

There was a time where they had known each other. Evan was certain of that. There were points—most of them before his dad walked out—that they’d been closer than Evan thought possible. He wasn’t sure what had driven the wedge between them, but now it was so stuck and he was scared of what pulling it out was going to do.

He was scared for himself and he was scared for her. She deserved so much better of a son than he could be for her. He wasn’t sure he wanted to see the moment she realized that.

“I know I’ve been busy,” she started. “With work, and school, and—”

“Your boyfriend,” Evan finished. “You never talk about him.”

“Does it bother you?” For a second she looked even more worried.

“No,” Evan lied.

Because saying yes wasn’t right. It was only going to hurt her. He wasn’t going to hurt her anymore.

Even if he couldn’t stop himself from distinguishing the times that she was missing because of obligations and the times that she was because of this. He couldn’t picture her going out on dates. That seemed to normal for her. It seemed too happy.

She was happy. Evan wasn’t sure why it had taken so long for him to realize that. Sure, she was stressed, and tired, and worried, but for the first time in so long she had actually seemed happy. And Evan was missing it.

“I wasn’t at Jared’s house today,” he said before he could think better of it.

“I know,” she pursed her lips.

“I haven’t been,” he kept talking. “All the times I told you I was.”

“I know, honey,” she looked more wounded than angry. Evan wasn’t sure which was worse.

So he told her about Connor. He told her about visiting him after school, and writing letters, and the incident in the classroom a few weeks ago. He wasn’t sure at what point he started crying.

His mother held him as tears he didn’t know how to stop poured from his eyes. She tried to comfort him, and he didn’t let himself tell her that she didn’t understand why he was crying. She thought he was worried about his friend, or guilty for keeping it a secret, or just overwhelmed from bottling everything up.

Evan was afraid. He was terrified, because he had watched Connor go from the boy who’s note he’d read in the hallway to someone so close to whole. He watched Connor get better, and felt himself only get worse.

He was crumbling. He was in a downward spiral, and he couldn’t stop it. He couldn’t do anything about it, especially tell someone.

He couldn’t tell her why he was crying. Because she didn’t need to know. Because she was too busy. Because she wouldn’t really care.

Because none of them needed him anymore.

Chapter Text

The day he made up his mind wasn’t particularly any worse than the day before. The problem was it wasn’t any better. Evan couldn’t see a better, because he couldn’t see a future. Everything felt like a never ending extended moment that he couldn’t get out of, and it was swallowing him.

So he was going to get out the only way he knew how.

He decided to write a note this time. That seemed like the responsible thing to do. He didn’t want anyone blaming themselves for something that was clearly and completely his fault. Last time he didn’t understand how easy it was to hurt people when you only really meant to hurt yourself. Connor had shown him a lot about how people worked, even if Connor didn’t fully understand himself.

His mother was at work. She should be there all day, unless she came home for her lunch break. That didn’t really matter since Evan would be long gone before then. He put the note on the kitchen table. She was going to be the first person to see it. Maybe she’d be the only person.

Evan didn’t want to think about what reading it was going to do to her. He’d seen her cry before, even if she tried to hide it from him. When he was a kid, it used to scare him. She was the strongest person he knew, and seeing her break was terrifying. Today he was going to cause it.

At least she wasn’t alone. He had to remind himself of that. She had some friends from work. And then there was the man she’d been seeing. Maybe she’d have to work less after this. She wouldn’t have to pay for his food, and clothes, and medicine. In the long run, she’d be a lot less stressed.

If she could survive the initial blow.

Evan wasn’t going to think thoughts like that. Of course she would survive. She had to. She was strong and he wasn’t, and she was going to be the one to live on. He had to remind himself of that.

Choosing the place wasn’t hard. He didn’t want to go somewhere where some stranger could find him. He was hurting enough people all ready. There was really only one out of the way location he’d remembered the way to.

The bus wouldn’t take him all the way to the orchard. It stopped a little bit outside the city limits, but that was father than he’d expected. He didn’t mind going the last bit on foot. He didn’t see the point in minding anything anymore.

He’d just gotten off the bus when his phone started ringing. It was his mother. He half expected it to be Connor. He wasn’t sure why.

He turned the phone off in his pocket. She wasn’t going to find him in time, even if she was home. That was how things were supposed to be. He wasn’t supposed to be found. He’d learned that the first time.

His feet hurt by the time he reached the gates. Climbing the fence made him think about Connor, which made Evan want to slap himself. He only had a few minutes. He wasn’t going to spend them wallowing in something as insignificant as teenage heartbreak. That wasn’t why he was here.

It didn’t take too long to find the right tree. They were almost all tall enough, so Evan initially wasn’t sure what he was looking for. He guessed that it just had to feel right. That sounded so pathetic even in his head.

This wasn’t poetic. This wasn’t a beautiful end to a messed up story. This moment was as warped and disgusting as he felt, and pretending anything otherwise was a joke.

Somewhere he knew this wasn’t right. That it was weak, and selfish, and maybe even a mistake, but that wasn’t going to stop him. He couldn’t stop him. That was what the fucked up part of it was.

He was so broken he couldn’t even jump. That’s why he was here. He couldn’t take his own life, but he could let it slip away. He could let go, if doing so meant simply that.

The branches didn’t feel real as he made his way up. It wasn’t like he was dreaming, but there was a haze. Maybe part of him still just didn’t believe this was happening. He didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad one.

He was always good at climbing trees, too good to actually fall out of one. That was why someone should have noticed the first time. Not that there was anyone to notice. Not that there was now, when everything boiled down to it.

Trees were safety. Well, they used to be. Evan didn’t remember when he first realized he loved them so much. It might have just been something to focus on. His dad was gone, his mother was working herself too hard, and he was a mess, but at least he could recognize every single tree on the car ride to school. It wasn’t like being good at something, but it was the closest thing he’d gotten to it.

Evan didn’t know why he was thinking about this now. Well, it was better than having regrets. He didn’t need those.

He wasn’t high enough yet, but he was close. Just a little bit more and—

“Evan, what the fuck are you doing?”

Evan really wasn’t sure if he’d even heard Connor’s voice that distressed before. That wasn’t something he needed to notice right now. Connor was here. Somehow, Connor was here and Evan didn’t want him to be.

His hands clutched the branch in front of him. He didn’t know what to do. Connor couldn’t see this. Evan couldn’t do that to him, but he couldn’t come down either. How was this happening?

“You’re not here,” Evan uttered. He didn’t know where the words were coming from. Everything was spinning but staying so completely still and he didn’t like it. He really didn’t like it.

“Come down,” Connor was under the tree now. There were tear tracks on his cheeks. Evan wondered if he’d made the drive while crying. That didn’t seem safe. Why was he thinking about that now?

“I can’t,” his voice was so cracked and broken and tiny. Surely that was enough for Connor to realize that this was how things needed to be. Evan wasn’t strong enough for any other ending than this.

“Like hell you can’t,” Connor spat. “Come on. You’re freaking me out.”

“I’m sorry,” Evan was crying. He didn’t want to be crying right now. “I can’t.”

“Evan!” Connor was pleading with him, and Evan still couldn’t move. What did that make him?

“I’m sorry,” Evan said again. “Please, just go home.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” How was Connor always so tall. Evan was at least twenty feet above him and he still looked so tall.

Evan could feel himself shaking, but he knew that he couldn’t let go here. He wasn’t high enough. He wasn’t going to fail again.

“You don’t get it.” The words felt wrong, but Evan couldn’t tailor them anymore. He didn’t have enough in him. “You don’t understand. We’re not the same. I thought we were for a really long time, but we’re not.”

“I know that,” Connor looked so scared. It was Evan’s fault. “If we were the same we wouldn’t be fucking standing here. You’re strong. You’re strong enough to come down.”

“That’s the thing,” Evan felt his breath hitch. “I’m not. I’ve never been strong, Connor. No one sees that. And it’s fine since it’s not like you have to, but I can’t keep acting like I’m okay. I’m not.”

“I know how you broke your arm,” Connor’s words were jarring. “It was like this, right? Exactly like this.”

Evan didn’t know what to say. For so long Connor had looked at him like he was made of something sterner. Connor didn’t see through him. That wasn’t their dynamic.

“You think no one can see you,” there was a bitter smile on Connor’s face. “I know what that feels like. But you’re wrong, okay? I can see you, and need you to come down.”

“I can’t,” Evan hated how his voice sounded. He hated every ounce of himself.

“Yes, you can,” Connor’s voice was so gentle.

“I’m scared,” Evan confessed.

“I know,” Connor took a step closer to the base of the tree. “So am I.”

“I don’t want to die,” Evan told him. “But that’s less scary than real life.”

“This isn’t real,” Connor said firmly. “Whatever voice you’re hearing isn’t real. Trust me, I hear it too. Evan, I hear it every fucking day no matter how much better things get. I know what it’s saying. It thinks that no one is going to care if you let go, but it’s wrong.”

“I know people are going to care,” Evan choked out. “I’m not that selfish. I know that you care, it’s just…”

“What?” Connor questioned.

“I don’t know how long that’s going to last,” Evan shouted. “My mom can endure pretty much anything. Jared has new, real friends now. And it’s not like you still need me.”

“Evan.”

“Tell me I’m wrong,” Evan challenged. “You’re okay now. You don’t need someone to save you anymore. No one needs me anymore.”

Then Connor was climbing the tree. Evan looked down as his friend struggled from branch to branch. He really wasn’t any good at it.

“You know,” Connor huffed as he pulled himself up. “You might be right. We don’t need you. But that doesn’t mean we don’t want you.”

Evan’s voice couldn’t find a reply.

“I might survive you letting yourself drop, but don’t you fucking dare think it’s not gonna rip a hole in me,” Connor met Evan’s eyes. “I don’t need you to save me. I just want you to be my friend.”

When Connor reached Evan, he wasn’t trying to hide the tears in his eyes. He didn’t stop until they were face to face. Evan didn’t let himself reach out to him. He didn’t know what touching Connor was going to do to the image around them. So much of him was convinced that this couldn’t be real.

“I’m sorry,” Connor said sadly. “I’ve been a really shitty friend. That’ll stop now.”

“It’s not your fault,” Evan’s voice was numb. “It wasn’t your job to notice.”

“I did,” Connor’s lips formed a melancholy smile. He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. One of the sides was torn as if he’d ripped it out of a notebook. “I still like to keep a journal. It kinda makes shit easier to understand.”

He pressed the paper into Evan’s hand.

“It’s kinda weird,” Connor let out a small laugh. “Writing to myself didn’t feel right, so I wrote to you.”

“I don’t understand,” Evan uttered.

“Just read it, okay?” Connor told him.

Evan turned the paper in his hands. He let himself take in the dark letters and Connor’s still scribbled handwriting.

Dear Evan Hansen,

I don’t know if I did the right thing. I keep replaying you walking out of the house tonight over and over again because it’s supposed to be different now right? I’m not saying I’m mad you broke it off. When you did it I just thought that I finally figured you out. I thought I was the problem, but I’m not, am I?

Somethings wrong. When I ask you shrug me off, but if ending whatever we were didn’t make it go away, then what the fuck is it?

I’m really shit at this. I want to you to tell me. I want to save you like how you saved me, but I’m a fucking idiot. I’m not smart like you. I want to help. I really fucking want to help but I don’t know how.

I’m sorry.

Sincerely,
Me

Evan looked up from the paper to meet Connor’s eyes. There were so many things there, and most of them Evan couldn’t identify. He wanted to. He wanted the time to, but committing to that meant giving himself up for the world to push him through so much more.

“I mean it,” Connor said to him. “I’ll do anything for you, but you gotta talk to me.”

Then Evan was sobbing. He was sobbing, and clutching a tree branch, and wondering how he could still feel lost but not alone.

“Everything hurts,” Evan let the words come out. “I can’t do anything without it feeling like everything’s closing in on me.”

Connor put his hand over Evan’s.

“My future is so bleak, Connor,” Evan murmured. “I don’t want it, but I can’t get out of it.”

“Fuck the future,” Connor’s voice was steady. “That doesn’t matter. It can wait until you’re okay. Everything can wait until then.”

Evan wasn’t sure that those words were enough, but he found himself nodding. He wanted to take the easy way out, like he always did. But Connor had so much hope and trust in his eyes, it was hard for Evan not to believe him. It was hard for him not to want to.

“I need to call my mom,” Evan uttered.

“Okay,” Connor looked so relieved. “Okay, let’s just get down first.”

They made it a few branches down without anything going wrong. Connor led the way. Evan knew that made that wasn’t the best idea, but he didn’t have enough in him to be anything more than the follower right now. When Connor lost his grip, everything happened too fast for Evan to catch. One moment Connor was right there, the next he was on the ground.

“Shit,” Connor groaned.

Evan felt his heart stop.

“Are you okay?” He all but demanded.

“I think my arm is broken,” Connor told him.

Then Connor was laughing and Evan was scrambling to the ground, panic filling his lungs. Suddenly he was back to earth. Suddenly he felt alive, and concerned, and fully invested. It was perfect, but was enough to promise him that this was the right choice.

Chapter Text

Connor wasn’t sure if Evan had called his mother or the ambulance first. After falling everything was a little blurry, but that was alright. He was alright. A broken arm was far less of the price he was willing to pay to get Evan out of that tree.

The ambulance got there first but not by much. Evan and his mother stayed near Connor until he was taken off to the emergency room. Connor was glad about that. They needed time to talk, and he was pretty certain that Evan’s mother wasn’t going to let him navigate out of that this time.

Looking back, there was probably a better way Connor could have handled everything. He’d been eating lunch in the kitchen when Evan’s mother had called his own in a panic. Apparently she knew Evan and him were friends and had found their number through a school registry from back when they were kids.

The panic made her voice louder, and Connor’s mother didn’t exactly have the chance to stop him from hearing exactly what was going on. From there Connor had been out the door.

He wasn’t lying when he told Evan he’d known how he broke his arm, but he hadn’t been certain until that moment. From the beginning, there had been the slight suspicion that there was a reason Evan understood so much. Then there was the time they went to the orchard. Connor had watched Evan climb a tree. There was no way he’d actually fallen out of one.

He knew it was a tree this time too. Evan wasn’t the kind of person who changed things up, and there was only one place Connor knew that Evan would think he wouldn’t be found. Part of him was still in shock that he’d made it in time. It was terrifying to think there was a chance that he wouldn't have.

Over the next month Connor wasn’t sure if it was more painful to go through hell yourself or watch someone you love endure it. At least Evan was getting all the help he needed. He ended up changing to the same therapist Connor went to. It was a good idea, even if that meant that she was going to learn a lot more of Connor’s secrets now.

The medication was different too. Connor had made it clear that Evan didn’t have to tell him that side, but Evan seemed to like sharing things like that with him. It made Connor feel nice. He felt like for once he was as much Evan’s protector as Evan was his.

Evan told him a lot more about what pushed him to the edge too. It wasn’t all at once. Connor knew it was going to take time. Evan had so many walls that Connor couldn’t begin to understand. That was alright. They had all the time in the world.

They didn’t talk about the future much, that was why Connor was surprised when Evan announced to him one day that he was going to take a gap year instead of going to college the next semester.

“You sure?” Connor asked. He knew how much pressure Evan had placed on going to the right school and getting the right education. It almost made him feel guilty that his parents could afford to send him basically anywhere he wanted.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. “I think I just need some time. You know?”

“Yeah,” Connor nodded. “That’s good.”

They were sitting on Connor’s bed. Connor had overdue homework in front of him, while Evan was looking at some article about trees on his phone.

“I might get a job,” Evan shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“That’s a good idea,” Connor smiled at him.

“It was my mom’s,” Evan admitted.

“Well, she usually has good ideas,” Connor shrugged.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded.

Connor liked days like today. At first they had felt oddly backwards, since it was almost always Evan coming over to help Connor distract himself and not Connor dragging Evan to his house for vis versa. That didn’t make it any less enjoyable. If anything, things were sort of balanced now.

“So,” Evan put his phone down, focusing all of his attention on Connor. “Can you tell me what you’re gonna do next year now?”

“I,” Connor blinked at him.

“I mean, I appreciate how you don’t bring college stuff up in front of me,” Evan kept talking. “But, it’s not going to make me sad that my best friend cares about his future.”

“I hate the future,” Connor told him dryly.

“I know your mom made you make a decision,” Evan pressed. “Come on. Please tell me.”

“It’s nothing fancy,” Connor shrugged. “I’m going to a state school like an hour away from here. You know they don’t trust me any further.”

“Still,” Evan nudged his shoulder. “I wanna know that kind of stuff.”

“It doesn’t really matter,” Connor meant this. Sure, he wanted to go to college, at least he did more than he used to, but he was content with the next few years just being the same as they were now. He didn’t want adventure. He wanted something simple and whatever the fuck came with that.

“Are you going to dorm?” Evan asked.

“Yeah,” Connor sighed. “I’m allowed that much freedom. I’ll probably be back here on weekends, though.”

“Right,” Evan nodded.

“Plus, I’ll need to annoy you and Zoe,” Connor grinned.

“Good,” Evan smiled at him.

Evan smiled a lot nowadays. Connor could usually pick out the ones that were real and the ones that were him trying to convince himself that he was content. They were getting close to half and half. That was good. Connor in no way expected things to suddenly be perfect, but at least Evan could have moments that were nice.

“Do you have to find a roommate?” Evan asked.

“Oh yeah,” Connor laughed. “My parents aren’t paying for a single. It’s weirdly the one thing they’re putting their foot down on.”

“Really?” Evan made a face.

“What?” Connor gave him a questioning look.

“I just can’t imagine you actually living with someone,” Evan admitted. “And them not being murdered by you.”

“Oh, that’s part of the plan,” Connor smirked. “But we’re allowed to request rooming with someone if we have a friend going there.”

“And you do?” Evan drew out the words.

“Kinda,” Connor shrugged.

“Last I checked Alana was going to Washington,” Evan stated.

“I wouldn’t room with Alana,” Connor scoffed. “She’d make me be involved in things and wake up early.”

“Connor,” Evan gave him a look. “You don’t have any other friends.”

“That’s correct,” Connor was trying very hard to not just start laughing. “That’s why I said kinda.”

Evan stared at him for a solid second.

“You’re joking,” he deadpanned.

“Nope,” Connor grinned.

“You and Jared are going to the same school?” Evan looked mildly horrified.

“Yep,” Connor popped the p.

“And for some reason you think you can survive living in the same room?” Evan’s eyes were wide.

“Yeah,” Connor gave a nod.

“You’re insane,” Evan shook his head. “Both of you are insane.”

“Yeah, that’s fair,” Connor laughed. “But you and Zoe can visit whenever you want.”

“You’re going to kill each other,” Evan stressed.

“I know,” Connor stated.

They spent the next twenty minutes planning out ways for Connor to not strangle Jared in the first week of classes. Evan laughed through most of it, and Connor considered that a victory. He didn’t realize that it was getting late until his mother came to the door and asked if Evan was staying for dinner. She seemed surprised when Evan told her he’d love to.

“Is your mom working late?” Connor asked.

“She has a date actually,” Evan informed him. “It’s good. She needs a break.”

“You’re being really cool about it,” Connor informed him. “If I were you, I’d be a nightmare.”

“She deserves it,” Evan shrugged. “I put her through enough. I’m actually gonna meet her boyfriend this weekend.”

“Wow,” Connor uttered.

“Yeah,” Evan sighed. “It’s mildly terrifying.”

“He’s probably really nice,” Connor felt the need to say.

“I know,” Evan stated. “I just—I don’t want to mess things up.”

“You’re not going to,” Connor said seriously. “He’s gonna think you’re awesome.”

“Right,” Evan muttered.

“Hey, um,” Connor really didn’t know how to segway into what he needed to say. They weren’t laughing now, and Connor didn’t like to be the one to bring up something serious when they had been doing pretty good at staying light.

“Yeah?” Evan hummed.

“I’ve been meaning to tell you,” Connor pursed his lips. “I’m really sorry about everything that happened between us.”

“We already talked about—”

“No,” Connor cut Evan off. “I mean, kissing you, and trying to date you without making sure that was even what you wanted. It was shitty of me. It was really fucking shitty of me.”

“Were you really trying to date me?” Evan asked. Connor couldn’t read him, but his eyes had clouded over. He felt something inside him tense, but pushed that away.

“Yeah,” Connor nodded. “I fucked up, I know. I should have just asked you out.”

“Why?” Evan was staring at him. “Why were you trying to date me, I mean.”

“Because I think I love you,” Connor said before he could fucking think about what he was doing.

“Oh,” Evan was still staring at him.

“I’m sorry,” Connor didn’t want to do this. This wasn’t helping either of them. “I promise I won’t bother you about it ever again. Our friendship is honestly the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I—”

When Evan’s lips touched his Connor really didn’t understand what was going on.

“What are you doing?” Connor asked as he pulled back. He couldn’t do this again. This was going to lead them into a mess and Connor needed to be the one strong enough to stop it.

“I love you too.” Evan said it like the words were easy.

Maybe they were now that Connor had already spilled his heart. Maybe that was all that Evan needed. In the end, it made sense. Evan wasn’t the kind of person who put himself and his feelings first. He wasn’t the kind of person who saw things at face value or reality as what it told him it was. Evan needed Connor to make it real.

Evan was smiling now—it was one of the real smiles that only ever happened when the voices in his head shut up. In Evan’s eyes Connor could see himself. He could see surprise, fear, and elation reflected on his own face. This was amazing. This was more than he ever could have hoped for.

And it was wrong.

“We can’t,” Connor stated.

Evan looked like Connor had just stabbed him in the gut.

“Not because I don’t want to,” Connor added. “I do—more than anything. But we can’t right now.”

“Because I’m too unstable?” Evan looked like he was going to cry.

“Because we both are,” Connor meant this. “I’m not ready. I can barely handle what this is already. I love you. A lot, but I can’t do this now.”

“I understand,” Evan nodded. “So we wait.”

“What?” Connor wasn’t following.

“How about when college starts?” Evan asked. “That’s five months for us to figure out however this is going to work.”

“You sure?” Connor asked.

“Only if you want to,” Evan smiled again. “I mean, I think I’d wait five years for you Connor.”

“I really love you.” It felt good to finally say it.

“I’ll take you on a date after you move into your dorm,” Evan decided.

“Okay,” Connor nodded. “Yeah. Alright.”

“Thank you.” There was so much trust in Evan’s eyes.

“It’s for me as much as you,” Connor needed to say.

“I know,” Evan told him. “But thank you. I don’t think you get how much you saved me.”

“Good,” Connor grinned at him. “Because you’ll never know how much you saved me.”