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Chapter Text

“Where are we going, Daddy?”

The brilliant Mikazuki Munechika glanced down to his right side to regard how his son tried to keep up with his own long strides. The blue haired resemblance of his kitsune partner was bounding beside him on the edge of the veranda with an interested look in his eyes. He was always a curious little thing.

“We are going to go get some lunch."

Nichibotsune’s sunset irises went wide as the fleecy blue tail that peeked from his child-sized, beige hakama made an excited wag, wrinkling his fern-colored robe. “Can we have fried tofu?”

“No, no,” Mikazuki hummed. “Not unless that’s what was already prepared for us.”

Nichibotsune looked down to his slippered feet as he walked, solemnly accepting he may not get his tofu today. Then his attention returned to what he had dangling from his little hand. He then grasped it with both and held the item up for his Father to see.

“Can Ari have some too?”

Mikazuki looked down to the little handmade plush that Nichibotsune held. It was a simple, white fox doll with two triangle eyes, a black dot nose and three small tails. That doll went with him everywhere, and that included meals.

“Yes, yes,” Mikazuki said with a smile as he patted the doll’s head. “Ari can have some too. Now, take my hand.”

With a bright and childish smile, Nichibotsune put Ari under his arm and gladly took his father’s hand as they continued their walk to the mess hall.

Mikazuki always took Nichibotsune to the mess hall at the end of the lunch hour. It was his way to avoid over stimulating his already hyper son. As he expected, the hall was getting close to empty when they walked through the doors. Seeing the vast array of open seats, Nichibotsune already had his mind set on the one smack dab in the middle row, all the way to the left side against the wall. He was already climbing into his chair and consecutively placing Ari on his  (Ari always got the chair to Nichibotsune’s left) as Mikazuki closed the doors behing him. As per usual Mikazuki trusted Nichibotsune to stay in his place as he grabbed their food.

The lunch was quick and Mikazuki was pleased to see Nichibotsune, who sat directly opposite from him, making a conscious effort to sit relatively still. Unfortunately that was short lived for behind him crept a sneaking mass of white. Like a predator cloaked in snow, Nichibotsune’s greatest stimuli crept over his tiny, unassuming shoulder, speaking fast enough to make Nichibotsune almost leap out of his seat.

“Guess who?”

It took only a moment for him to realize who it was. “Uncle Soo-roo!”

“Hey little man,” Tsurumaru said with a smile as he ruffled Nichibotsune’s blue hair. “Where’s your Papa?”

“He’s playing swords,” the boy responded. “He couldn’t come”

Mikazuki took the moment to clarify. “He was in the middle of a training session. He’ll make up for missing lunch later.”

“Ah, I see. Well, Nichibotsune. What did you have to eat today?”

As Tsurumaru took over Nichibotsune’s attention for a moment, Mikazuki noticed the  doors opening again and in came Souza Samonji. As Nichibotsune shoved Ari at Tsurumaru’s side, telling him about all of the fun things they did today, Mikazuki’s attention stayed on Souza. This was late for him to show, and it was very rare for him to come alone. Something was off, Mikazuki could tell.

“Souza’s here,” Mikazuki commented to Tsurumaru, never removing his steadfast gaze.

“Well, it looks like you aren’t the only late arrivers here,” Tsurumaru added humorously.

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen him.”

“I think the same goes for many of us here,” Tsurumaru said as he took Ari in his hands and started making him walk for Nichi’s amusement. “I don’t think he’s been feeling well lately.”

“A virus?”

Tsurumaru shrugged his shoulders. “That seems likely. Not that I know though.” He took a glance back to the Uchigatana. “He does look rather pale.”

Mikazuki was glad he wasn’t the only one who noticed.

“If you’ll excuse me,” Tsurumaru said as he started to walk away, handing Ari back to Nichi. Mikazuki watched out of the corner of his eye as Tsurumaru approached Souza. He saw Tsuru greet him with a smile, warm and cordial as usual, and he saw him ask if he was alright.

Souza nodded his head in the way people do when they have a terrible headache. It was sort of dazed and too purposeful to be believed. He wasn’t looking at him straight in the eye either. Instead he just looked muddled, like he was making an effort to look okay but was clearly lying due to the haze in his eyes. The way he kept on brushing the hair from his face and how he started swaying only supported Mikazuki’s suspicions.

Then he fell deadweight into Tsurumaru’s arms.

“Hey hey hey, someone help!” Tsurumaru said as he tried to support Souza’s toppled body.

The porcelain on the tables rattled and wood chairs creaked as every last sword in the hall got up in a moment’s notice with Mikazuki being no exception. Telling Nichibotsune to stay where he was, he sped towards them and broke through the small crowd to help Tsurumaru slowly lower Souza to the ground. His face paralleled the tint of Tsurumaru’s garb, and he wasn’t responding, telling them he had completely fainted.

Mikazuki glimpsed over his shoulder and saw Nichibotsune staring with wide and fearful eyes. Then he spoke to Tsurumaru before him and asked if he could go take Nichibotsune to Kogitsunemaru.

“You sure?” Tsurumaru asked Mikazuki.

“I can take care of this,” Mikazuki assured. “Just make sure Nichibotsune gets to Kogi.” With a nod, Tsuru was up and over to Nichibotsune, telling him they were going to go find Papa.

Knowing Nichibotsune was out of the room, Mikazuki started shaking Souza’s shoulders to try and wake him up. When that didn’t work, he started patting him on the face, and he noticed his face was quite warm despite the lack of blood.

“Can someone get something for him to drink when he gets up?” he said with his attention still on the Uchigatana. “Or even something to eat.” Ookanehira took the task and ran out of the room to the kitchen.

“Souza?” he kept repeating. After a handful of utterances, Souza’s eyelashes started to flutter. Once he returned to consciousness and saw Mikazuki at his side and the crowd around him, he gave an aching sigh as he placed one of his porcelain hands over his ornamental eyes.

“Goodness... I’ve made a mess of myself haven’t I?”

“Don’t worry about that,” Mikazuki noted. Souza took the moment to try and sit himself up, but Mikazuki insisted he stay down, at least until Ookanehira came back with something to drink.

“I am so sorry to have troubled all of you,” he lamented as he returned to his former position on the hardwood floor. “This is so bizarre. I don’t understand what happened.”

“Well, let’s not try to figure that out yet," Mikazuki assured  

Ookanehira returned with a cup in hand and handed it to Mikazuki. Mikazuki put a supporting hand on Souza’s back to help him sit up to put the cup to his lips. Seeing he was steady he let him sit on his own, and Mikazuki dismissed the other swords to return to what they were previously doing. Hesitantly, they dispersed, but compliant nonetheless for Mikazuki knew what he was doing and they knew better than to disagree with him. Both Mikazuki and Souza remained sitting on the floor as he got two thirds of the way through his cup. At that time, Mikazuki found it a good time to start asking questions.

“Are you feeling better now?” he asked with all sincerity.

Souza dipped his head in response.  “I’m probably just dehydrated… that’s all…”

“Maybe you should come out of your hiding then.”

“Have I really been that absent…?” Seeing how Mikazuki did not deny the statement, he lowered his eyes to the cup in his dainty hands. “I’m sorry… I just haven’t been myself…”

As soon as Souza admitted that about himself, something changed for Mikazuki. All of a sudden he started looking at Souza in another light. “I wonder why that is,” was all he said.

Souza hummed in agreement, agreeing with the mystery of all of this. “Just a few days ago I just started feeling nauseous, and now every once in a while I get these headaches-” and then he stopped himself and bore that solemn smile he always did. “That’s all. Please. It is of no concern. Thank you for helping me. I’m so sorry about all of this.”

There was something about all of this that got Mikazuki thinking. He had a strange feeling about all of this; the feeling of familiarity. He sensed something from Souza, something that wasn’t there before. He could swear this was unique, something he hadn’t sensed before.

But he had sensed it before. He had sensed it within himself.

Fainting. Nausea. Headaches. All too familiar...

So he looked deep into Souza’s eyes, making any attempt to try and read what was going on inside of his head. Did he know something, or was he earnestly clueless? By the way he averted his eye contact told him he was hiding something, but the deepness of his eyes and his furrowed brow told him it was not on purpose. Souza was being honest in the fact that he didn’t understand what was going on, but he was hiding how much it concerned him.

“How about I escort you to Yagen?” Mikazuki suggested.

“Oh, there is no need,” he said with a wave of his hand. “I’ll get over this soon enough-”

“Souza. I really think you should go.”

Souza went silent. He looked back into Mikazuki’s eyes and felt a shiver go down his spine. Mikazuki could do that. He could look at you so softly yet impale you with that sharp curve of gold that wrapped so tightly against his pupil while still bearing a delicate grin. He knew not to disagree with him, for Mikazuki always seemed to know something no one else did. That’s what put him so on edge: that mystery, the fact he knew something he didn’t. So as soon as he was comfortable standing on his own, they exited the mess hall and made their way to Yagen’s.

*****

It had been a while since Mikazuki last saw Souza. It had at least been a week since the incident in the mess hall and Souza’s isolation had not gotten better. If anything, it had gotten worse. He knew he should leave Souza to his privacy, but something deep down told him that something like this could not be ignored, especially if his suspicions about what he was going through were correct. Knowing Souza, he would keep something like this private not for his own sake, but for the sake of refraining from bothering anyone else. Actions like so would ultimately cause some drastic outcomes.

So Mikazuki decided to take a stroll out of the warmth of his own quarters into the bitter, late February air to pay him a visit. Announcing himself properly at the Samonji door, he was greeted by little Sayo, who only cracked the shoji far enough so he could see through.

“Mikazuki-sama…” was all he murmured.

“Is Souza here?” Mikazuki asked the tantou who hid behind the door. He gave a dip of his head and let Mikazuki enter their room.

The Samonji room was relatively small and plain. They were lucky enough to at least have two rooms adjoining to accommodate the three of them, but nevertheless it was still modest in size as most of the quarters in this citadel were. With the opening of the shoji Mikazuki saw Souza sitting near the adjacent wall folding one of their robes, or something of the likes. Noticing the visitor Souza gave a slow and heavy glance to him.

“Hello, Mikazuki,” Souza hummed in that silvery yet brittle voice he usual bore. For a moment he returned his attention to Sayo who was itching to leave yet polite enough to make sure Mikazuki was taken care of before leaving. Souza told him to stay warm, signaling that it was alright he continued with what he was doing. With the certification, the tantou gave another quick nod of his head and scampered out of the room like a quiet mouse, which left Mikazuki alone with Souza.

“Is Kousetsu here?” Mikazuki asked, already sure of the answer.

Souza shook his head as he returned to his folding. “He had some work to do for Master.”

“Would you mind if I sat with you for a bit?”

Souza showed a momentary and surprising hesitation. For a moment his eyes looked up from the fabric in his hands, straight into the air before him as if he wanted to say no. Quickly that changed. His eyes shot back down to the clothing at hand and he said, “I don’t mind at all.”

As Mikazuki found a pillow to kneel on, the silence grew thick between them. It was heavy, burdensome, and hard to ignore. Idle chatter passed for a few moments; Mikazuki offering to help fold, a few questions to Souza about his brothers with questions back to him about his own growing family. Mikazuki hoped this would somehow lead them into whatever was going on with Souza, but his mouth kept shut. No word about the other day or what might have happened during his visit with Yagen, and it was obvious he was doing all he could to avoid talking about it.

Mikazuki was keen to the habits of each and every sword in this citadel, and he knew Souza was keeping this a secret for the wrong reasons. It couldn’t be danced around any longer.

“Souza, are you alright?”

"Why wouldn't I be?"

Souza wasn't looking at him, and his response was almost a little too fast, like it was planned before the question was even posed. 

“People act differently when they are trying to hide something about themselves.”

“I have no idea what you are talking about,” Souza continued.

“Of course you do. I am genuinely concerned about you. A lot of us are.”

Souza folding grew more rigid, bubbling into his speech which gave his tone a biting edge. “Well, I’m sorry I just want some time alone. I didn't know some solitude was too much too ask for.”

“The solitude isn’t the issue,” he insisted. “I know this is more than you wanting to be alone-”

“What the Hell do you know?”

A snap like that would make anyone flinch. Souza was usually quite mild mannered, but when he was pushed to the edge he could spit venom. However, Mikazuki’s face remained unchanged and steadfast, unwavered by his poison tongue for this building ire within Souza only proved his suspicions further. No matter how much it was considered prying, he knew he had to keep prodding. Souza had to admit it soon enough.

It was for his sake.

“If anyone understands what you are going through it’s me-”

“How dare you!” he yelled, throwing the cloth in his lap down. “Just because you’re the oldest does not mean you know everything and goodness it does not mean you know me! You act like you know everything by your riddled passages and ‘age with wisdom’ act but that does not mean you can possibly understand the Hell I’ve been through!”

Mikazuki did not speak any further. He just looked at Souza with that glowing gaze that pierced right through him, telling Souza he was not helping his own case. It only made his frustration boil, and he could hardly control his anger towards this irritating certainty:

“I’m NOT going through anything!” Souza continued to yell. “And you have no right to assume I am!”

“You can’t deny this. It’s more than just secrets, this is life or death.”

Mikazuki’s persistent warnings fell on deaf ears. Souza was losing composure by the second, bellowing at Mikazuki to stop.

“At least tell him , Souza. You can’t hide something like this forever.”

“That’s quite easy for you to say,” he spat. “At least you knew wh-” and then he threw his hand over his mouth. He slipped. And now Mikazuki had all the proof he needed. Souza did not know how he could possibly know but he did and it irked him beyond compare. Before he could disclose any further, he deadpan told Mikazuki to “get out.”

“No one survives without the aid of another-”

“I said get out! ”

Behind the mask of anger, Mikazuki saw something hit Souza from within. His air was pained like someone who was just stabbed in the heart. He was now reaching the point of overstaying his welcome, so he obeyed Souza’s wishes and got up to leave. He opened the door to let himself out, but before leaving, he said with his back still to him: “Fighting is harder with one sword. It’s with the help of those more experienced that battles can be successful.”

And then he left, letting the clack of the shoji ring through the nearly empty chamber of the Samonji’s.

The article lay nearly forgotten on Souza’s lap. He remained still in his place in utter silence and contemplation for the next ten minutes. The cool air hit his spine, but could not remove the red from his face. He could not unclench his teeth. How dare he come in expecting he knew exactly what was going on. How dare he-

Souza shook his head.

He’s wrong , he thought. This isn’t anything… His breaths shook. It can’t be anything… He’s wrong… Yagen’s wrong…

Everything is… Fine.

Souza looked down to the article in his lap. He decided he had to finish his folding. He’ll finish folding until Sayo and Kousetsu returned. Then he’ll go to bed and tomorrow this will all be behind him. One day he’ll wake up and not be bothered by people asking how he was when he was fine. Because he was fine.

He was absolutely fine.

Chapter Text

Kousetsu had no intention to return as late as he did. Despite the frigid weather, there were still a number of things that needed to be done around the citadel. It kept him occupied until much past sundown, so when he returned he was unsurprised to see their futons already laid out and Sayo curled up in his own, sound asleep.

As quiet as he could possibly manage, he closed the shoji behind him, shutting out the freezing air of night and approached little Sayo. With delicate knees, he knelt beside the boy and ran a hand through his soft hair. He did so gently to refrain from stirring him from his fragile slumber.

Sayo and Souza alike meant more to Kousetsu than anything else in this mortal life. Everyday he lived and breathed to see their happiness, and he was content with the fact that more often than not he could provide such a thing for them. It pleased him so that they could be together now. Yes, they may be in a war but, he would take that in a heartbeat if it meant that he could have those moments he shared with his brothers. To him, that meant so much more than anything else.

Looking across from where he knelt, Kousetsu looked for Souza but found his futon to be vacant. It would not be the first time Kousetsu and Sayo were left alone to occupy their chamber, but every time Souza was gone it felt a little peculiar and his chest bore a strange emptiness; whenever the trio was separated there was always an empty void. Although, Souza’s absence was a good sign in Kousetu’s mind; this meant that he must have found someone else to spend the night with. Considering Souza’s recent aloofness and isolation, the fact that he was finally reaching out again meant he was on the mends. And if Souza was happy, then it was all worth it.

Kousetsu removed his fingers from the cotton strands of Sayo’s hair and stood. Once he was on his feet he tiptoed to the closet to retrieve his evening robes. The silence was so fragile, he made every effort to remain as soundless as possible. He could even hear the cold winds whistling beyond the shoji. The darkness and cold held a dark foreboding, but the warming presence of Sayo and the comfort of their room fogged these vague insecurities.

Little did he know that strange feeling of unease prefaced a dismal evening.

The porcelain quiet was suddenly destroyed by a sudden thud and crash. Kousetsu’s heart dropped to his feet for the thud came from behind the shoji that divided their room into two. The robe slipped from his hands and he forgot all effort for silence as he ran to the shoji, sliding it open with a blaring thud, and his fears were realized.

Souza never left in the first place. He should have known.

There he was, fallen in the corner of the room. There was no doubt he fainted again, for that became all too common as of late. His entire frame was frail and pale as he curled helplessly in the corner. Kousetsu had no idea he was still here, and to see him in such a state made his adrenaline pump and he sped to his brother’s side.

“Souza, what happened?”

The Uchigatana covered his mouth with a trembling hand. When he looked at his brother who knelt so close beside him, his eyes flooded with tears. He did all he could to hold his emotions back, but all effort was in vain once he started speaking.

“Kousetsu-”

And he just fell apart, weeping into his palm and trembling as he did so. Kousetsu had no choice but to pull him into his arms, letting him sob into his chest and claw into his blue robe.

“I really messed up,” he spoke between hiccups. “Kousetsu I’m so sorry.”

It was one of those dreaded moments when he didn’t know what to do. Every moment of his life he did everything to make Souza as well as Sayo happy, trying to alleviate the burdens they both bore. He was usually able to have a good word to ease their minds or he could even physically fix a problem. But when times like this came and he was absolutely helpless, it hurt him. Souza had been in some sort of distress for so long now, but he thought he had finally gotten better. The fact that Souza was still suffering stabbed at Kousetsu without end; how could he let Souza suffer so to the point of tears, and he didn’t even know what was wrong?

“I didn’t mean for any of this to happen,” Souza continued to cry. His watering irises just stared to the ground before him as he fell apart. “I was just scared and I was hoping it wasn’t true then I yelled at Mikazuki and…” He paused for only a moment. Kousetsu received a sudden solemn gaze from Souza, no less unsure about what was going on.

Then he watched a realization come to his mind. With a struggled effort, Souza managed to speak. But never could Kousetsu anticipate what the reason was behind his brother’s strange behavior.

“I’m… I’m pregnant Kousetsu… And-” he broke down again, throwing his head into the palms of his hands. “And I don’t know what to do!”

Kousetsu felt his muscles stiffen. He felt it bulge in the back of his neck then buzz down his shoulders and back, quickly encompassing his entire body in a prickling heat. His first instinct was to find any reason to debunk Souza’s statement, for perhaps he came to this conclusion on his own and somewhere in his calculations there was a misstep. Sure his symptoms could suggest such a reason, but there were ways to make sure, especially with something this serious.

“Yagen told you this?” Kousetsu said with his tranquil edge, hiding his shock as best as he could.

Souza nodded. “That’s why I keep having dizzy spells,” Souza explained. “That’s… That’s why I’ve been so sick… It’s…” He took in a rattling breath. “It’s a baby…”

The words died in Kousetsu’s throat. It felt like shock was even out of his reach at this point. It was just this numb bulge of heat and static in his chest. There were no words he could say this time to fix this.

It was no secret that Souza had an active love life. Not that he flaunted it, but it was one of those things everyone just kind of knew. Never could he have expected that it would result in this. It had been four years since the birth of Nichibotsune. With a passing of four whole years and no new sword warriors, it was just assumed that Mikazuki’s pregnancy was some sort of rare strike of luck. They all believed that Mikazuki and Kogitsunemaru were just a special combination. After all, Kogitsunemaru was a sword blessed by Inari, the goddess of fertility. And maybe Mikazuki was just a special breed.

Apparently, such was not the case. Mikazuki truly was not the only fertile male in this citadel. Whether this be true or not, Kousetsu thought Souza and Hasabe ended their relationship a while ago. Meaning that if Souza found this out relatively recently… It just didn’t make sense. But he couldn’t linger on that now.

Perhaps that was in essence why Souza was taking this so hard. Maybe this would be a child born out of a broken relationship...

That did not mean it was right to keep this private.

“Have you told Hasebe?”

Souza shuttered still as if the name was some sort of curse that would damn you to the deepest depths of Hell at a mere utterance. His eyes froze in his skull and he wrapped his arms around his shoulders as if he were cold. His voice still waivered.

“I couldn’t,” he whimpered. “It would break his heart.”

“Souza you have to-”

“But,” he squeaked, “I don’t think it’s his.”

Never had words felt so much like bricks, and they shattered Kousetsu’s mask of indifference. “What?”

The exhaustion plagued Souza exponentially. He became encompassed by this air of utter defeat; dropped shoulders and curling into himself with insecurity.  His voice was softer and he gazed at his knees as he spoke. “But… We don’t even know how old this baby is… So who knows?”

Kousetsu started to feel the words fumble on his tongue. “But…who else could the father be?”

Souza hesitated. He gave Kousetsu the one name he was least expecting:

“Nikkari.”

“Nikkari Aoe?” he echoed. “I thought you two were just friends.”

His voice cracked again before he could even answer. “We were-”

As Souza lost himself again, Kousetsu had a subtle grasp of what was happening and the severity of his distress. The pregnancy was one thing, but the father was another. He and Heshikiri sort of ended things a while ago, that much he knew. But Kousetsu had no clue that Nikkari took his place. It was undoubted that Nikkari would have been one of the first people at Souza’s side after the separation, but he never knew they became romantically involved.

Could it be that maybe they never really were romantically involved?

He also knew Souza had yet to give up on Hasebe, despite how their relationship became null. So being pregnant might not have been the issue. Maybe it was the fact that it wasn’t Heshikiri’s that distressed him. And knowing Nikkari’s own aloofness, Kousetsu was sure Souza already convinced himself he would not want to be a father.

No wonder Souza was such a mess: no one would be okay with such a messy and open-ended situation.

“Gods I’m such a damn slut!” Souza suddenly cried between trembling tears. He curled into himself again, giving Kousetsu no choice but to hush him and pull his head to his chest again to rock him slowly.

“It was New Years and he was there when I needed him,” he rambled between sobs. “He could smile when I couldn’t-”

“Souza,” Kousetsu said in his hushed tone, intending to calm him down. “We’re going to figure this out, I promise you.”

“Nii-sama?”

Kousetsu and Souza turned to see Sayo in the doorway he threw open in his haste moments before. His thick hair rested down his back with sleep-caked eyes, but not without deep concern.

Souza avoided looking at him is utter embarrassment. Even so Sayo padded over to him and knelt right down to his side, replicating his eldest brother’s actions. There was no doubt he heard every single word.

Souza became overwhelmed as his younger brother cuddled into his side as said, “It’s okay nii-sama.”

There was nothing more that could be said. This could never be fixed with a few well thought out words. All that could be done was let Souza know that they were there.  Souza had been hanging onto this for so long on his own, it was time he shared his burdens. Despite his lack of confidence in actually helping this situation, Kousetsu knew he could at least provide his support, and he knew Sayo felt the same.

“It’s going to be alright, Souza. We’ll be here. We’ll help you in anyway we can.”

Souza sniffled. “Thank you…”

And for the remainder of the evening they stayed there in that little corner of their room. In time Souza was able to calm enough to be taken over by restful sleep.

This was the start of something bigger than any of them, but they were going to pull through. They always did. But for right now, Souza just needed a steady heart, and he had two of the most steadfast hearts he could ever ask for.

Kousetsu just wished he could do more than just hold him as he cried. And he could only hope the truth won’t hurt more than it already did.

Chapter Text

“Aruji will have us now,” Kousetsu said as soon as the shoji to their room was closed.

The Samonji room was oddly dark for this time of day. Only the outlines of objects were readily visible beneath the shadows, making Souza’s vibrant silhouette the most visible.

Souza gave an accepting bob of his head as his brother told him the news. “Thank you,” he hummed as he rested against the wall. “I appreciate you doing this for me.”

“You need to at least tell Master about this,” Kousetsu said as he walked over to Souza’s side, kneeling down once he reached him. “You don’t want to be punished for neglecting your duties. I can’t cover you forever.”

“I know,” Souza said somberly, looking over his legs that lay across the floor. This spot became a common rest place for the Uchigatana, allowing him to lie down but rest his back against the wall when he did sit up. “You’ve done so much for me.”

“I promised I would help you,” was all he said in reply.

“Did you run into Hasebe?” Souza asked. He really did not have to ask, for he knew Kousetsu would have had to run into him today. The only way to get an appointment with Master was to speak with the attendant for the day and ask for when Master was most available.

“As anticipated, yes.”

“Did he ask about me?”

Kousetsu spoke without pause as if he anticipated the question. “He did.”

Souza took a hand and rested it upon the lower part of his torso. He noticed how his skin started feeling soft. “Do you think he knows?”

“No,” Kousetsu responded honestly. “But he knows something is wrong and is frustrated you aren’t telling anyone what’s going on with you.”

Then Souza fell to silence once again.

Kousetsu could lecture Souza again about how he was going to find out eventually, but he knew Souza was anything but ignorant to this fact. Souza was fully aware of what he was doing and he knew rumors were bound to spread, especially now when the physical signs were growing more apparent with each passing day. But Kousetsu wouldn’t fight that today. It was enough to have Souza go meet with Saniwa about his condition himself.

If Souza really wanted to keep this private, Kousetsu had no choice but to comply, no matter how unfair he felt it to be to keep this from the potential fathers of his child.

After all, he was there for Souza, not for them.

“Are you ready to go?” Kousetsu decided to say instead, seeing how Souza had no more to say.

Souza only gave a hesitant nod in response.

*****

Things were oddly lonely without Souza around. After New Years, Nikkari got used to having Souza by his side. It seemed like they were always together, laughing and talking about the ins and outs of the citadel, meeting up and making sure they ate together at every meal and taking leisurely strolls around the citadel when all of their obligations to Master were complete. Even as Souza started getting hit with nausea every once in a while, they still managed to see each other at least once a day, even if it was for a few minutes.

Then all of a sudden he just disappeared.

Nikkari had gone to the Samonji door numerous times asking to see Souza, checking if he was okay, but his brother would say he really wasn’t up for any company. He believed it the first time, but by the third time he went to their door he started feeling like it was more than just Souza wanting to be alone. His only logical explanation was that perhaps he did something wrong and Souza didn’t want to see him anymore. After all, to just stop seeing him at the drop of a dime was all too suspicious.

Then again, this behavior was not limited to Nikkari. Everyone else who went to check on him got the same answer. No one had seen hide or tail of him in weeks. The only clue he got to Souza’s whereabouts was the fact that a few weeks ago he had a dizzy spell in the mess hall, and since then he had been impossible to come by. Not even Kasen or Hachisuka have seen him since the incident.

So Nikkari came to the conclusion that these early afternoon walks along the veranda he used to share with Souza were now going to remain his habit and his habit alone for a much larger period of time than he anticipated. He just hoped Souza would come back to him soon, or at least come back to him at all. 

The lingering cold of winter still hit him hard as he walked alone, so he pulled himself deeper into the collar of his jacket trying to hold onto as much warmth as he could muster. Although winter was at its end, the spring warmth had yet to break through the cold breezes that rushed through the corridors.

The lingering chill only made Nikkari realize how warm Souza’s presence always kept him.

Which was odd to think that they really haven’t been “together” for too long. They were already good friends before New Years, so their daily companionship wasn’t  too out of the ordinary. Though Nikkari honestly felt days to be warmer when he was with Souza, especially after the night they had. So Nikkari was sure that there definitely was a new bond between them, even though they never said it.

But it still seemed he was going to have to continue dealing with today’s cold on his own.

He watched as his boots clacked with the wood below his steps and went where his feet took him. He passed a sword or two to his unknown destination, but otherwise he kept his silence, hearkening the sounds of the outdoors.

It was then that another pair of steps caught his attention. He looked up from his gaze to see that further down the veranda was a familiar combination of carnation and magenta and his heart jumped. To his shock, Souza was there, walking along the veranda that was perpendicular to the one Nikkari strolled down. His destination, however, sent him away from where their paths would have crossed.

Being the first time he has seen him in weeks, Nikkari called out to him, bubbling in a sudden excitement and concern for this mysterious state Souza was in. He though that maybe he could get an answer for Souza’s recently aloof nature and maybe fix whatever he did wrong, if that were the case.

For a moment Souza looked towards him and their eyes locked. He expected Souza to be just as pleased to see him, but once he saw who called him, he flinched his sights away and picked up his pace, all out ignoring Nikkari’s call.

It made Nikkari freeze for a moment, but his desire to see Souza outweighed Souza’s possible reasons for desired isolation. So he started running towards Souza as an effort to catch up with him and figure out what’s been going on.

“Souza!”

Souza turned around only slightly to catch sight of Nikkari turning the corner and reaching for him. As he got closer Nikkari could see how the body of rose wrapped himself in that long, black patterned cloth he usually draped himself in during battle while he still donned his leisure robe beneath it, which was quite odd. It was cold, but that was not a common outfit for the Uchigatana.

“Hello Nikkari,” he sighed with a clear drone of melancholy.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you,” he said honestly with a smile, ignoring the odd outfit Souza wore. Nikkari then remembered hearing from Monoyoshi that Souza had an appointment or something with Master today, so it made sense that Souza was at this part of the citadel, and that seemed to be a good way to start conversation with him. “Did you just come from a summons with Master?”

“Yes I did.”

Nikkari noted how Souza was curling into himself, his eyes steadfast to the ground and wallowing in a certain isolated despair. It was like he didn’t want to tell him about this meeting. It was like Nikkari was making him uncomfortable. This behavior was unlike any Nikkari has seen before, so he had no choice but to ask:

“Is everything okay?”

He was quick to answer. “Yes, I’m fine.”

Souza still refused to look at him, so Nikkari started to lean over in an attempt to grab Souza's eyes. Realizing courtesies would not get him to open up, he had to push him a little. He decided to address him with the one reason he felt to be the cause for Souza's isolation. “I’m sorry if I did something wrong, Souza.”

“Please,” he again replied surprisingly fast. “You have no need to say things like that.”

“But Souza, I haven’t seen you. We all haven’t seen you. What else am I supposed to say? What else am I supposed to think?”

Souza all of a sudden started pulling away like something suddenly hit him and he was leaving before he was hurt any further. May it be Nikkari’s words or something more, Nikkari didn't know, but he was steadfast and now blatantly trying to get away from him.

“Nikkari, please. I can’t talk right now.”

“But I care about you,” he kept fighting, trying not to lose Souza again. “At least tell me you’re alright. You know you can talk to me.”

He aimed to leave again, never giving Nikkari a glance. “I’m sorry. I can’t-”

“Is it something about this meeting with Master?" Nikkari said to keep him there. "Or is this something I did? Please, I beg of you. Just let me know you're alright.”

"I just ask for a little more time. That's all-" 

Nikkari grabbed the wrist closest to him and pulled it towards him. “At least look at me!”

He did not mean to tug on Souza so hard, but his concern and Souza's cryptic words were driving him crazy, causing the involuntary gesture. He knew Souza wasn't being honest with him, and he knew he could see the truth in Souza's eyes. The pull on his wrist was just enough to turn him towards him and it caused Souza to lose his grip on the cloth, forcing it to fall off of his shoulders and to the ground, revealing his thin and robed form.

Nikkari had the ability to sense things normal people couldn’t, undoubtedly attributed to his connection to the spiritual world. It was those voices and lingering energies that kept him company in his common solitude. And when he touched Souza, the reading he got made him speechless, for at the touch Nikkari felt this flash of energy surge through him. It toppled over that of one person, suggesting two separate entities like there was someone else there. It wasn’t too strong, but it was noticeably more than Souza’s regular presence and Nikkari felt himself freeze.

At the same moment he noticed a small curve to Souza’s frame.

“Souza-” he choked on his own words. “Are… Are you-”

At the mere touch of Souza’s hand, he knew. Everything that has been going on finally had a substantial reason, dropping all of the haphazard pieces into place. Nikkari found his throat going dry as he watched the tears fill in Souza's eyes.

“I’m sorry, Nikkari.” And he pulled his hand away, grasped the cloth and ran off, throwing it back over his shoulders as he left, leaving Nikkari again to be blasted by the cold winds.

He stood there with his mouth agape, and his hand still reached for the phantom reverberations of Souza’s fidgeting arm. His gold eye went wide with the realization that Souza, his one time lover, was actually with child.

He felt like he couldn’t breathe. It was a possibility he was just being paranoid and making assumptions, but Nikkari learned to listen to the signs he receives from people, and this just told him that Souza was not just Souza anymore and it put a weird tingle deep in his gut. It made him motionless. It made his mind a blank sheet of white. He couldn’t even tremor from nerves, he was that still.

The first thought that broke into his head said this conversation could not end here. He had to go speak with him again, and immediately. He couldn’t freeze again or let Souza run away. If his suspicions were right, this was something that could not be brushed under the carpet. Souza has been hiding, surely out of self consciousness and absolutely out of fear. The fear and pain was clear in his eyes, and Nikkari could not let that linger any longer.

And the fact that Nikkari was swimming in questions only strengthened this need to confront him.

Though, something held him back. So many times he has tried to get a proper answer out of Souza. They all have. That meant there was a strong reason behind why he didn’t come to him about this. He supposed it may be insensitive to confront him about something he obviously didn’t want him to know about. But something like this shouldn’t be kept to himself, unless maybe Souza was waiting to announce it properly, like Mikazuki and Kogitsunemaru did all those years ago.

No. Nikkari recalled the dark regret in Souza’s eyes. The sadness and regret pooling in his heterochromatic eyes. Souza would not be keeping this from him for some grand and beautiful and happy announcement. If that were so, he wouldn’t look so pained.

Then it hit him. It must have been because he didn’t have Heshikiri anymore. How could he just announce something like that after what he’s been through?

But still. Nikkari still didn’t understand why he didn’t he tell him about this. Souza came to him with practically everything. Hell, he was the first to know about his break-up with Hasebe. Souza had to know that he would understand that this was something out of his control. He would never hold something like this against him. He could have come to him about this.

Unless…

Nikkari’s heart sank deep and suddenly everything went numb.

No. He said to himself. It couldn’t be…

There was one possibility Nikkari failed to realize.

But… It was only one time… and that was-

He paused.

That was about twelve weeks ago.

There was a rush of panic over Nikkari, and all of a sudden he felt his heart beating out of his chest.

But…But I can’t be.. With my past… I could never… Could I?

The more he thought about it the more confused and overwhelmed he became. So many suggestions came stampeding into his psyche and he found himself unable to formulate a complete thought.

Before he lost himself even more, he came to the conclusion that nothing would have any worth unless he got it straight from Souza’s mouth. He could assume and assume and draw conclusions until the sun fell but nothing would give him a true answer.

Then what was he supposed to do? He needed an answer from Souza but at the same time he didn’t want to delve into the secrets Souza so badly wanted to keep. What was the right thing to do?

His mind might have been blank and his arms may have been numbed, but he managed to start moving again with long and steadfast strides within his thick haze. There was only one place to start, and that was to get advice from the most experienced couple in the citadel.

If anyone knew what to do, it would be them.

Chapter Text

“Papa! Papa!”

“Yes, Nichi?”

“Papa look!”

Kogitsunemaru leaned over just enough towards his son who scampered so quickly towards him. The corner of their room where Nichibotsune played was a bit of stride for his small legs to get to where Kogitsunemaru sat now, but Nichibotsune’s excitement got him there fast. Apparently what he had to say was of utmost importance, and as soon as Nichi reached his father he plopped down into a crossed-leg position (completely identical to Kogi’s) and started shoving Ari into his face.

“Ah, hello Ari,” Kogitsune said with a warm smile, poking the pushie’s nose.

“Look Papa!”

For a moment, he wasn’t sure about what he was supposed to be looking at. Usually Nichibotsune repeated himself when what he wanted others to see was not being properly acknowledged. Then Kogi noticed how Nichi’s fingers played with the kitsune’s tails, moving them up and down at a successive rate, and he deduced that that was what his son wanted him to see.

“Ah, Ari seems quite happy today, doesn’t he?”

Nichibotsune’s eyes lit up. Then he focused really hard on the little tails and started explaining his revelation. “Uh-huh! See… See… When he shakes one he’s… He’s happy. Then when he shakes these,” Nichi went from moving one tail to two, “he’s happier. And then, and then,” he started flailing the three like he was before, “then now he’s really really happy!”

“Oh wow,” Kogi said with a continued smile. “And what had Ari all happy today?”

Kogi listened intently as his son explained how Ari’s best friend Usagi (a fellow stuffed plush) gave him some fried tofu as a gift and they proceeded to have a fun day of playing tag together. As the whole story was being unfolded by Nichibotsune, Kogitsunemaru could hear the light chuckles of Mikazuki who sat in the rocking chair behind him, reading his book.

“Nichibotsune,” Mikazuki said as he finished his tale, focusing his son’s attention. “Can you count how many tails Ari has for me?”

With bright eyes, Nichibotsune pinched a tail as he counted each one, counting up to “three” flawlessly. Once he said three someone knocked on the wood of their shoji, and it was Mikazuki who told their visitor to come in.

From where they sat, Mikazuki and Kogitsunemaru knew that it was Nikkari (for they both faced the entrance of the room). Nichibotsune on the other hand had to twist his body around to take a peek at who came in. When their eyes met, Nichi sat up straight and was up from where he sat and hiding behind Kogitsunemaru, burrowing into his miles of hair.

“Well aren’t we lucky,” Mikazuki mused. “Just the right sword to learn how to count from.”

“I’m afraid a song about counting spirits would scare the child even more,” Nikkari noted towards the boy that was clearly hiding from him. Nikkari had unfortunately gotten used to the idea that Nichibotsune was not too fond of his presence considering he always snuck behind one of his father’s backs when he came around.

“Don’t mind him,” Kogi assured, trying to twist his arm behind him to pat Nichibotsune. “Sometimes he just gets intimidated by others. Don’t take it personally.”

That wasn’t false. Nikkari wasn’t the only sword who made Nichibotsune sneak into hiding. Nikkari has seen him slink away from Higekiri and Hizamaru, Taroutachi as well. It never bothered him before, but now there was a new knot in his stomach that was particularly irritated by this once-benign commonality.

He didn’t even think when he murmured, “Maybe I’m just not meant to be around children.”

Mikazuki raised a brow at that. Nikkari kept his smile, but there was a void building in his eye with contemplation visible behind his veil of mellow contentedness.

Mikazuki shut his book in his lap and asked, “Is there a reason you came here?”

Nikkari’s eye shot up from where Nichibotsune hid to look at his inquirer. As he anticipated his own question, the curl of his lips fell, and all of a sudden the rarely seen serious side of Nikkari showed through.

“I wanted to ask you about Souza.”

With a quiet blink of understanding, Mikazuki rose from his rocking chair.

“Come. Sit,” he said as he walked to Kogitsunemaru’s side and knelt down. “Tell us what’s on your mind.”

Nikkari took the offer and placed himself before the two elders. He watched as Mikazuki opened his arms to Nichibotsune, allowing him to crawl onto his lap and hug his arms around his neck as opposed to hiding behind Kogitsunemaru.

“Should he be here for this?” Nikkari awkwardly asked, acknowledging the little boy snuggling into his father’s warmth.

“He’ll be alright,” he said. “His mind isn’t one for listening to ‘adult conversation’ anyway.”

Nikkari just nodded, trusting Mikazuki’s words. Then he waited for a moment expecting Mikazuki to probe him to start speaking, but neither he nor Kogitsunemaru spoke again, so he found that it was his obligation to start.

“I’m… Concerned for him.”

Mikazuki merely hummed in response, enticing Nikkari to delve further.

“He’s been acting quite strange lately,” he added. “Even when he’s been sick before, he has never acted in such a way. Also his continuing isolation causes great concern for me.”

Again, a nod and a hum, leaving Nikkari to dig deeper with his explanations.

“And… he refuses to tell me what’s wrong with him. He has talked about just being off and being nauseous and the likes, but I ran into him today and… I’m not sure it’s just because he wants to be alone or because he’s just a little ‘off.’ It makes me think that there is more to this sickness than he wants the rest of us to believe.”

“So why do you come to us with this?” Mikazuki finally said, giving Nikkari a quiet glare. He began to stroke the back of his son’s head as he waited for the response.

“Well, I’m not sure what’s going on with him.”

Mikazuki laughed. “I have a feeling you already know what’s ‘wrong’ with him.”

So Mikazuki really did know something everyone else didn’t. A part of it made Nikkari uncomfortable, how slowly he glared at him. How soft yet strong his eyes could be. But it was with those painfully truthful eyes that gave Nikkari the confirmation he was looking for. His shoulders fell as he said:

“So it is true…”

“Well,” Kogitsunemaru interjected. “To be fair it’s not like he told Mikazuki-”

“But I know .” Mikazuki instantly bit back.

“Yes…” Kogitsunemaru sighed, with a tilt of his head. “He knows. He always knows...”

“So you spoke to him about it?” Nikkari asked, partially ignoring Kogitsunemaru’s sigh. He couldn’t believe Mikazuki actually managed to speak to Souza.

“I was the one to take him to Yagen after he fainted in the mess hall. I visited him a few days later and got a… Certain confirmation.”

“So… It’s true…,” Nikkari started again. “Souza really is-”

“Pregnant? Yes.”

A chill went down his spine. It shocked him how easily Mikazuki could just say it. Maybe because he went through it, that idea came easily to him. But to Nikkari, the idea was still overwhelming. The thought that there was a child conceived by him… It seemed like a story of sorts, a fabrication of the mind. It was only the conviction in Mikazuki’s sharp eyes that erased his doubts though, and with both Mikazuki’s instincts as well as his own pointing to the same conclusion, there was no doubt that Souza must indeed be pregnant with a child that was possibly his.

“I find it great that you are taking this feeling of responsibility and putting it into action by asking for advice,” Mikazuki commented. “That is quite admirable of you.”

That word hit Nikkari hard. “Responsibility?”

Mikazuki laughed. “I am under the impression that the child’s father is undisclosed. And I’ve seen how close you two have become.”

Nikkari clenched his fists and forced them down on his lap. It seemed his own suspicions were not so farfetched. And the fact that Mikazuki made it a point to mention that he and Souza have gotten closer made the knot in his stomach tighter, and he had no choice but to inquire Mikazuki further.

“Mikazuki… Do you think… It is my responsibility?”

Before Mikazuki could reply, Nichibotsune started shuffling where he sat. He crawled off of Mikazuki’s lap, grabbed Ari whom he left behind Kogitsunemaru and scampered back to his little corner where all his other plush friends remained. Once he was busy again, Mikazuki’s head turned back slowly to Nikkari, giving him another sharp glance.

“That is not your real question, is it?”

Nikkari went quiet again and Kogitsunemaru continued sitting there as a mere additional support, letting Mikazuki do all of the talking. It was quite hard to think of something to say when it felt like Mikazuki already knew what he was thinking.

“Let me pose a question to you then,” Mikazuki continued, seeing that Nikkari was still a bit muddled. “Would you be willing to take on such a responsibility?”

“‘Willing?’”

“Maybe... To take a responsibility that may or may not be yours.”

He paused, giving himself a second to phrase his thoughts. “A part of me thinks I shouldn’t,” he finally blurted.

“What makes you think that?” Mikazuki continued with his tone of psychiatric indifference. “You care about him, don’t you?”

“I do care for him,” he said defensively, shooting his eye to meet his elder’s. “But…” Then he paused. His eye fell again, falling into that quicksand pit of self-doubt and confusion. “I'm concerned more for the child’s safety.”

“Oh? And why is that?” Mikazuki queried, as if he didn’t know.

“I… Never even thought children was a possibility for me,” Nikkari started to explain. “I would have been sure that the gods would prevent someone like me from producing a child after… The things I’ve done.”

Oddly enough, it was this that got Kogitsunemaru speaking. “You didn’t choose to kill that child’s ghost, Nikkari,” he said. “Even so it was a spirit, not a living being.”

“But still, such an action kept me from being a divine sword.” He pointed out. “And… I vividly remember slicing through that child… It honestly frightens me.” His eyes shot back up to them. “How could I care for a child when I’ve destroyed one?”

“We all have our pasts,” Kogitsunemaru continued with a hint of sympathy. “But I hardly believe that is relevant to this future.”

“But it is,” he insisted. “How can I separate the child’s cry from the sins of my past? What kind of future could I bring this child into? I… I don’t think I can be a father, or at least the one Souza deserves.”

It was then that Kogitsunemaru started to take over answering his visitor’s concerns.

“Well let me tell you things from my perspective, being someone who’s been through this. If it helps. I hardly believe what you’re feeling is that out of the ordinary.”

Nikkari raised a brow, and Kogitsunemaru laughed.

“After going through everything with Nichibotsune over there, I am positive that there isn’t anyone out there who is ever really prepared to be a parent.”

“But… that’s not-”

Kogitsunemaru raised a finger to finish his sentence “... Or ever thinks they are deserving to be one.”

“Are you saying you’ve had doubts?”

“Of course I have,” he said matter of factly. “Fatherhood, no matter who you are, will always be scary. You take this responsibility of being the absolute best for your child, which then puts the idea that we need this flawless and perfect past into our foolish minds. But there are things in the past you cannot replace, and of course it bothers you. It is only natural for you to feel that way.”

“But… Can I really be there for Souza?” Nikkari kept asking. “Am I really who he needs?”

“Now, that is another thing,” Kogitsunemaru continued. “Being a father, or at least an expecting one, is no simple task either. You’re stuck watching someone you care about go through something so drastic practically on their own. You can never understand what they are really going through and you will never know how to handle it. But that doesn’t mean you still don’t try your best.”

“That’s not entirely true,” Mikazuki edged in to correct Kogitsunemaru. “I never felt like I was alone, and that was because I had you by my side.” He then returned his attention to Nikkari. “And I believe this is where your concern lies.”

Again, Mikazuki managed to read his mind. Somehow he was able to use his fumbled words as a pathway into his psyche, and he took it upon himself to organize them and condense them slowly into one situation.

“He already has his brothers to help him, so he isn’t alone in this,” Nikkari said aloud.

“That is true,” Mikazuki noted with a nod. “That’s just as I had Uguisumaru, Yagen, Shokudaikiri, and everyone else to help me through my pregnancy.”

Nikkari felt the familiar twinge in his gut. “But they weren’t Kogitsune.”

Mikazuki reiterated the phrase. “No, none of them were Kogitsunemaru.”

“But then... What should I do? Should I assert myself to help him? If he wanted my help, wouldn’t he have come to me in the first place?”

“Well, you do have to speak with him first, but…” Then Mikazuki sighed, shuffling slightly in his seat as he spoke. “When I spoke to him those weeks ago, he acted like he wanted to do this alone. But things like that come from fear and anxiety. After going through it once I can safely say no one in the world would want to go through that alone. However, I am also sure that the mindset he put himself in has to do with wanting to avoid forcing anyone to raise the child out of guilt.”

And again, Nikkari was left with something important to think about, keeping him quiet. He sat there for a moment, taking in the point Mikazuki wanted to make. Nikkari had to realize whether he was taking the role of the child’s father out of guilt or if it really was for Souza. Now it felt like his mind was falling to pieces, making any effort to figure things out immensely more difficult.

Mikazuki saw how Nikkari was drowning in his thoughts, so he decided to help him.

“Before you said ‘shouldn’t.’”

Nikkari looked up. “What?”

“Before, you said ‘A part of me thinks I shouldn’t’ when i asked if you wanted to take on this task. To me, that means it is something you are wanting to do, but it’s an external force telling you not to. So saying ‘shouldn’t’ leads me to believe this is a responsibility you may actually want to bear. Taking all of that into consideration, I think you already have your answer.”

“Yes, but I still don’t know if it’s right-”

Suddenly, Mikazuki’s sharp gaze left his sights, and he refocused to Nichibotsune who was still quietly playing in the corner. His eyes became pools of fleece as he looked towards his son and started to rise from his seat and called to him.

“Nichi, would you like to come with Daddy to get some tea?”

Without any knowledge of what that the adults talked about, Nichibotsune got off of his belly and ran to his father’s side, saying he would absolutely love to go.

“Can Ari come?” He asked, grasping tight to the doll that never left his sights.

Mikazuki slowly knelt down before the little boy who held his little fox close to his breast. He looked right into his eyes and said, “He could, but don’t you think Ari would like to be with his Usagi for a little bit? They are best friends after all. I’m sure Usagi would love to spend some time with him.”

For a moment Nichibotsune looked down at the friend in his hands and he smiled, and he gave a nod big enough to puff his dark blue hair, and he ran back to his corner to place Ari right beside Usagi.

“You’re right, Daddy!” Nichibotsune squeaked. “Usagi is very happy now!”

“I am so glad,” Mikazuki smiled as he stood tall again, holding his hand out to his side for Nichibotsune to grab it. Nikkari saw Mikazuki turn and give him a soft smile, a knowing smile, just as a sort of bizarre reassurance of something Nikkari was not quite sure of.

With Nichibotsune at his side, Mikazuki opened the shoji. Before leaving he addressed Nikkari again, simply saying, “You are welcome to stay for tea, Nikkari. We always have more than enough.”

And then the shoji closed.

Nikkari just sat there lost now, even more than before which really was saying something. How Mikazuki stopped their conversation when they felt to be right in the middle of it caught him off guard and threw whatever straight thoughts he had in his head pack into the spinning merry-go-round his mind became. He still had so many questions and he just… Left.

Mikazuki really was bizarre.

“You’re still confused, aren’t you?” Kogitsunemaru said with a look of his soft crimson eyes. With Mikazuki gone, Kogitsune’s voice echoed in the room, catching Nikkari’s attention instantly. “My partner for some reason likes being quite vague when people come to him for advice.”

Nikkari chuckled. “I can see that.”

“Just know, you nor Souza will be alone in this,” he said with sudden sincerity. “And if you ever have any questions, I’ll do all I can to answer them.”

Appreciative of the support, the faded smile came back, barely drowning out the confusion that still plagued him. He did get the advice he was looking for and the confirmation of his own suspicions which really did tidy things up a bit. It was not so much questions anymore, but merely a decision to make, and it was a strict “yes” or “no,” with no compromise in between. Deep down he knew what he wanted to do, but still, he was being held back by the most burdensome weight anyone could carry, and Kogitsunemaru saw it.

“Nikkari. Do you remember that time you came with me to the kitchens to satisfy one of Mikazuki’s late night cravings?”

He cocked his head to the side, draping his green locks down the side of his face.

“Surely you remember,” Kogi said leaning over. “You were sitting on the veranda watching the full moon as I had to get up to get food for Mikazuki.”

Then it hit him. “Hehehe. I do remember now,” he said with a subtle gaiety. “It was for rice with brown sugar and mochi.”

“Mhm. And that night you said something very important for me, and it’s something I’ve held onto all of this time.”

Nikkari was taken aback for a moment. He didn’t remember saying anything so grand to Kogitsunemaru that evening. Then to be fair it was four years ago.

“I did?”

“Yes. I have to say, I owe it to you for giving me my confidence to be a father. Do you remember what you told me?”

Nikkari thought back four years or so ago, trying to remember that one night. It was oddly easy to recall because it was one of the only heart to heart conversations he and Kogitsunemaru ever had. Slowly the words they exchanged came back, and he gave a smile at the fond remembrance and how odd something he once mentioned actually came true for him.

“I do now.”

Kogitsunemaru gave a slow nod. “So whether you get involved or not really stands on what you view to be right. We could tell you what to do, but it really is better for you to come to the conclusion yourself. But if confronting Souza and offering to take responsibility of the child is what you decide to do, I can tell you that that is the complete opposite of doing what is wrong. As Mikazuki said, that is actually quite noble of you. But I know none of that changes how daunting of a undertaking that is.”

“But… What I said… The only difference is that I can never be as good of a father as you are, and how fair is that to Souza, and the baby?”

“What makes you so sure that you wouldn’t be?” he remarked with a chuckle hiding in his throat. “Do you know how many mistakes I’ve made raising Nichibotsune?”

“But still-”

“Does it change anything when I say I felt the exact same thing when Mikazuki first told me he was pregnant? ‘I know and want to be there for him, but should it really be me?’ That was me everyday until you spoke with me.”

It was then Nikkari felt himself at an extreme loss of words. He hardly believed what Kogitsunemaru was saying, so of course he asked, “I really did that?”

“That you did,” he said beside another sincere nod. “So I think it’s about time I repay this favor to you…”

It was then Kogitsunemaru leaned over to place a hand upon Nikkari’s straightened shoulder. His large palm was immensely warm and surprisingly comforting. Leaning in made their eyes lock, and Kogitsunemaru spoke to him.

“If you do decide to take this on, ‘Make sure you give yourself time to enjoy these moments, as much as you can anyway.’ Because I know Souza and his baby would be lucky to have you as a father, your faults and all. After all, Souza really is going to need someone at his side through thick and thin, because the baby won’t come without issues. But I know you would be a great help to him if you are at his side. Do you understand?”

In that moment, a cool wave of lightness rushed over him. With Kogitsunemaru’s words, he felt the stab of insecurity fade. It wasn’t gone completely, but he felt like it faded just enough for him to move past it enough to figure out how he truly wanted to face this situation. That in hindsight must have been why Mikazuki left the two of them alone.

“Now there is the Nikkari smile we all know and love,” Kogitsunemaru commented as he saw Nikkari go into an honest grin. He took his hand back and put both of his hands on his own knees. “So, after all of that, would you like to stay for tea? You are absolutely welcome to stay until dinner.”

Nikkari politely shook his head and he stood up tall. “Actually, I’m going to have to decline your offer. There is something I need to take care of”

“Well alright, my friend,” Kogitsunemaru said with a grin himself, looking up at Nikkari who now stood taller than he. “I wish you all of the luck in the world, and know both Mikazuki and I are here for you all. Alright?”

“Yes, thank you. Many thanks to both you and Mikazuki,” Nikkari said with a respectful bow. “Please make sure to relay my appreciation to your lover and your son.”

And he went to the shoji and left Kogitsunemaru in his room, striding now with a definite purpose. The warmth on his shoulder remained as a reminder that he knew what he was doing. He was still nervous, of course. But at least he had a purpose and was going to do something about this instead of wandering around aimlessly asking questions. He was going to do what he felt to be right and not falter because of some simple insecurities. 

Chapter Text

A couple of weeks or so passed since Nikkari spoke with Mikazuki and Kogitsunemaru about this whole situation with Souza. Nikkari had all intentions to speak with him as soon as he could, but every spare moment was suddenly and inconveniently filled with some other obligation. Three failed days later, he was all of a sudden dispatched on a mission that lasted a whole week. At least he thought when he got back he would have time then. But as soon as he returned there then came a plague of chores, further disabling him from running into town which was something he really wanted to do before he spoke with Souza.

After another week of simply awaiting permission to leave the citadel, he finally did what he wanted to and there was no avoiding the situation anymore.

As soon as he had the box he awaited for three weeks now, he found that it was time to end the nightmares that recently started to plague him and face this head on.

Then something came to mind, would Souza really let him in after the run in they had three whole weeks ago? So he had to find a better way to ensure he could speak with Souza. If he directly said it was about the baby, he would be shut down instantly.

Well, he thought to himself. When was the last time he had a good meal?

With that in mind, he found himself walking towards the kitchen. Shokudaikiri should be there by now, considering the time of day. He was never opposed to making a quick special dish for someone who needed it.

“Ah… If it isn’t Nikkari Aoe,” Shokudaikiri grinned as the Wakizashi slunk into the kitchen. “How have you been?”

Nikkari eyed whatever Shokudaikiri was sautéing in the frying pan over the stove. He stepped in further, getting close to Shokudaikiri’s side, allowing him to look over his arm and eye what was in the pan. It was uncomfortably close in the general sense, but not odd when it came to Nikkari.

“I’ve been alright,” he said simply, trying not to allude to anything being wrong. “Where’s Kasen?”

Shokudaikiri was clearly stiffened by the question. “He’s… Having a rough day today,” he sighed. “But, nothing for you to worry about.”

“Are you okay?” Nikkari asked sincerely, knowing exactly what Shokudaikiri was referring to in his vague phrases.

Nikkari was really one of the only ones who knew about Shokudaikiri’s and Kasen’s situation. So when Shokudaikiri said he was fine, that meant that the topic should be forgotten, and Nikkari complied. After all, he knew the subject was still sensitive for him just as much as it was for Kasen. So no matter how weird it was not to see the two together, it wouldn’t be right to pry.

It seemed like everyone in their little clique were all facing their own problems.

“Can I ask a favor of you?” Nikkari finally asked, deciding to change the heavy topic.

“Depends on what it is,” Shokudaikiri responded with a bit of a laugh as he took the meat out of the pan with a spatula to a plate on the countertop beside him.

“I wanted to ask if you could make a special lunch for Souza.”

“Souza? You think you can break through his wall of isolation?”

Nikkari shrugged his shoulders, stepping back from Mitsutada’s side. “There is no harm in trying. After all, he needs to eat more than he has been.” Nikkari put a finger to his lips as he gave a wink to Shokudaikiri. “And I’m hoping food is the key into his secrets.”

“You won’t get an argument out if me. If anyone can do it, it’s you. Now tell me,” Shokudaikiri began as he walked to the cabinet door, revealing the collection of pots and pans hidden behind them. “Have you gotten word on what’s going on with him?”

Nikkari watched Shokudaikiri selectively choose another pan from the cluster of metal cookware. He couldn’t exactly tell Shokudaikiri what was up. If he did, that would completely ignore Souza’s sense of privacy. Then again, he couldn’t lie.

“He hasn’t told me anything,” was how he responded. It wasn’t entirely false.

“Well alright. I’ll put something together. Just wait a few minutes and we’ll see if your effort prevails.”

The preparation by Shokudaikiri was without surprise done in a timely manner. In a matter of a half an hour, Nikkari stood tall in front of the Samonji door with the shallow box under his arm and the tray of food in hand.

First, he had to free a hand to announce himself properly, so he knelt down carefully not to disturb the tray’s contents and placed it down for a moment. He then took the box from under his arm and strategically placed it out of line from the doorway. He decided to leave it there for now, and he could bring it in later, once he knew the time was right for it.

Having that settled and being pleased with his hands being momentarily free, he stood up and lifted his fist to the wood beams of the shoji.

He found himself pausing for a moment before his knuckles hit the wood.

He took a deep breath. This one conversation may change every bit of normalcy his life clung to. But he decided a long time ago that he was alright with that. All that was left was an acceptance- or even a denial- from the Samonji he knew that rested just beyond the door.

Three knocks and he heard the brittle sough that belonged to Souza.

“I’m sorry. If you’re looking for Kousetsu or Sayo, they are out right now-”

“Souza, it’s me, Nikkari.”

Once he said his name, there was a stabbing pause.

“I’m sorry,” Souza whined. “I’m not up to receiving any visitors. I’m not feeling very well.”

“I brought you some food,” he countered, keeping a light tone despite cutting him off as if he didn’t hear a word he said. Souza may be a little off, but he knew he was playing it up just to get him away, so he didn’t back down. “I had Mitsutada make it special for you.”

No one would dare refuse a plate made special for them by Shokudaikiri, which meant Nikkari’s persistence got through to him. After Nikkari said that, Souza replied with a “one moment please,” and then a “come in” soon after.

After picking up the tray he carried before, he flattened his palm against the wood and slowly slid the shoji open. And when he opened the door, he found the Samonji room to be darker than he had ever seen before, especially with it still being this early in the afternoon. It was actually quite oppressive, which was surprising for someone like Nikkari to notice. It didn't take long for him to realize it was more due to the emotional fog lingering and bouncing between the thin walls, catching Souza in the middle.

When he looked to where Souza rested, he was shocked at how small his form seemed to be. He was huddled in the corner like a frightened animal, wrapped and covered by a blanket he clearly put around his own shoulders to hide any evidence of his condition. Maybe he was not so much frightened as he was helpless. He was helpless and stuck, unable to make any defense from his up and coming fate besides that thick blanket he hid beneath.

Even as Nikkari entered the room, leaving the sunlight far behind him, Souza made no look towards him. His head turned towards his far shoulder and he curled further into himself, echoing the same note of despair Nikkari felt from him a few days before. His hair wasn’t even up which was quite a rare sight for him. Instead, his rose locks were strapped beneath the blanket, slightly bumping where it met with the hem with a few stray hairs straggling out.

Souza really was in a pathetic state, but Nikkari still faced him with his smile. Even as he slid the shoji closed behind him, darkening the room even more and abandoning the box he brought outside, he faced this situation the same way as he did everything.

“It’s nice to see you again,” he said beneath his subtle grin. “Thank you for finally letting me in.”

“You didn’t have to do this,” he hummed with a weak smile himself.

“I know I didn’t,” he stated as the soles of his socked feet padded against the hard floor. “But I wanted to. After all, it was really Mitsutada who did the work. I merely had to bring it to you.”

Souza rolled his head to the side as Nikkari sat beside his huddled mass. Putting himself in a cross-legged position enabled him to put the tray on his own lap. Being so close to Souza again gave him a glimpse of the emerald and cloaked sapphire sights he has missed for so long now, but it also gave him the reality of the tolls this situation was taking from him.

Souza looked absolutely exhausted. Drained and tired, and quite sad. It wasn’t much different from his usual saddened gaze, but at least there was always a glint of contentedness in his beautiful eyes and soft smile. But right now that look was saturated with a strong sense of guilt.

His face was also obviously fuller than Nikkari recalled, but he assumed that to be normal, considering the situation.

That reminded him… Did Souza know he knows?

His thoughts were pushed to the side as he saw Souza clearly struggling to sit up properly to eat. It was then Nikkari reached for a few stray cushions that rested nearby and placed them behind Souza’s back, assisting him in sitting up. He responded with a quiet “thank you” as he shuffled into place.

For a moment the blanket opened, catching his fierce attention. To his dismay, his curious sights were not given much satisfaction for his attention was instead grabbed by Souza’s arms reaching from the crevice, aiming to take the tray from Nikkari’s lap.

He threw up a hand. “I’ll feed you.”

That got a small smirk and a quick shake of the head from Souza. That was such a Nikkari thing to offer. “No, Nikkari. Please I’m fine-”

Nikkari stopped him with a smile. Souza was already facing enough…

“All you have to do is eat.”

For a moment Souza gave him this look of momentary surprise, but then his gaze became soft and appreciative and he relaxed in his seat and sheepishly accepted Nikkari’s offer, snuggling deeper into his cuddled huddle.

Nikkari took the chopsticks in his hands and began picking at the food, deciding rice might be the best start. Shokudaikiri made a wonderful lunch of salmon, rice, and of course some steamed broccoli. It was simple but surely the most complete meal he has had in awhile.

And as long as he was feeding him, he could make sure he ate enough.

As his hand delicately raised from the bowl to Souza’s thin lips, he found his mind being taken over by thought again.

Enough… Nikkari repeated in his head. Enough for two ...

Nikkari watched how careful Souza was as he took each bite. It gave no urgency for anything to be said. Although obligation was nonexistent, there was a strange and hovering silence growing between them, especially as thoughts similar to this kept coming into his mind.

They were acting like two friends. They were two friends with little to talk about where one was just… not feeling well perhaps. But that was the burdening issue: acting. They were purposely trying not to make it seem like there was a wall between them. They were ignoring the elephant in the room, per sae.

That’s not why Nikkari was here. He wasn’t here to brush over the situation. It already took too long for him to speak to him properly, he couldn’t let it slide any longer.

As he let Souza finish his current bite and the plate was substantially emptied, he took the chopsticks back and placed them on the tray. Soon his light air of grins and comfort sunk into something heavier and his sincerity became obvious. He showed no pain, nor any sadness. Just honesty.

“Souza?”

Nikkari didn’t have to say anymore than that. The way Souza’s air remained frozen told Nikkari that he knew his question before he even asked it.

They were stuck in one of those limbos where both parties knew where the conversation was meant to go, yet neither knew how to properly start. For how do you just talk about something you know bringing up in the first place would most likely hurt the other? Neither of them wanted to hurt each other, but… There was no avoiding it any longer.

When the Uchigatana kept quiet, the Wakizashi took it upon himself to start.

“Is it true?”

Instead of turning away, Souza made sure he looked at him, widening his eyes just enough to show the heaviness Nikkari’s question bore. Nikkari stared at him back, unblinking as Souza’s eyes fidgeted slightly until he turned his head back to look down where his lap hid beneath the blanket. He took in a quick breath before he closed his eyes tight.

He lowered his head. Then he tilted it back slightly and shortly returned it to its former place.

It was a simple “yes.”

Although anticipating this answer, Nikkari still felt a subtle and strange buzz trickling throughout his body. There was no way to explain the feeling, except like everything suddenly locked into place, forcing himself to adjust to this permanent change. No matter how much he anticipated this, nothing could make an answer like that easy.

Clearly for the past three or so weeks while he prepared for this one moment, many uncertainties and questions appeared. Out of all of the questions he had, only really nagged at him, and it did so even more as he saw Souza shrink into his lonely corner, undoubtedly assuming he was upset and possibly furious by this news.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

As he opened his mouth to ask the question that’s been eating at him this whole time, Souza sunk deeper, bracing himself for whatever attack he was about to face. “How could I?” was all he said with a remorseful squeak.

“Because I promised you,” Nikkari declared in that dark and quiet chamber, his passion making the bowl on the tray rattle. He then took a moment to take the tray off of his lap and he continued his insisting. “On New Years I promised you I would be there-”

Souza shook his head, realizing that Nikkari wasn’t getting it. “You don’t understand, Nikkari. You couldn’t.”

Nikkari’s voice sunk to whisper. Not an angry whisper like Souza expected, but a genuinely baffled one. “And why not?”

Nikkari couldn’t anticipate how such simple words could tug at Souza so...

Souza couldn’t stop his voice from quivering. What Nikkari didn’t know was how hard he has tried to bury all of the “whys” and “hows” deep within him for every time they came to the surface, they pained him and hurt him so. It hurt him how real the consequences for telling him could be, and the last thing he ever wanted was to hurt Nikkari and force the smile he found so charming to fade into the black because he made a mistake.

That was why he kept up his wall. He couldn’t let Nikkari fall into this darkness with him. So he smacked himself internally for the damned emotional state he was suddenly falling into. He knew if he lost it now, that wall he has been trying so hard to build will crumble.

“I just couldn’t.” He said with a purposeful (and faltering) strength. “Just… Couldn’t.”

Souza didn’t continue on. He sat there, waiting for Nikkari to talk back at him, be furious at why he was still keeping secrets from him and running away and breaking their promise. Hell, he would understand if Nikkari just up and walked out on him. Every move he made was throwing punches at him. Nikkari deserved answers and he wasn’t giving them to him. It was selfish, and he knew it, but he couldn’t do otherwise.

As the silence lingered, Souza had to look to the heavy presence at his side. He started at the legs that crossed on the hardwood floor, then to the chest covered in his zipped blue jacket. Then hesitantly he looked back at his eye and the face cloaked with that heavy shade of green.

And suddenly he felt an irritation start to simmer within himself. Nikkari’s look was unchanging from what it was before. It wasn’t angry. It wasn’t sad...

It was anything but.

It was sympathetic. It was sincere. Despite everything he just said and what he refused to say, Nikkari wasn’t irked at all. He just accepted it, and for some reason, it bothered him.

“Why do you look like you’re okay with this?” Souza snapped.

Nikkari was taken aback from those sharp words. “You’d prefer me to be otherwise?”

“You deserve to be angry with me!” he barked. “Yell at me! Cry at me! Be confused!”

“Why would you want that?”

“Because you should be frustrated with me!” He continued wailing. “I have been running away from you and keeping secrets from you for weeks and you’re just okay with that?”

“I was more concerned for you. For you to isolate yourself in such a state... How could I be angry when I thought something really could have been wrong with you?”

“You weren’t wrong when you thought something was wrong with me,” he replied with an obvious self-degradation. “This whole thing is a mess and it’s all my fault.”

“Souza, if this is anyone’s fault, it certainly isn’t yours.”

“Not my fault,” he scoffed. “It most certainly is, and you shouldn’t forgive me for it.”

“Souza, why do you think I even came here?”

Nikkari’s tone was so calm in the face of Souza’s fire. It caused Souza to turn his head around in bafflement, surprised he was still calm despite his rage.

“Tell me,” Nikkari said again. “Why do you think I made such an effort to make sure I saw you as soon as I found out?”

Nikkari was looking right at him, striking him with an honest, yellow gaze. At the same time Nikkari looked back into Souza’s deep, oceanic contemplation. His sights were not of distress but of perplexity and partial unawareness that there was another reason he was really here.

“Do you think you could let me be a part of this?”

Souza perplexity was only deepened.

“What… What do you mean?” He stuttered.

“The child’s life, Souza. I mean… I would be honored if you would let me be in this child’s life. I know, my past is… Questionable, but…”

Nikkari found himself struggling with his own words, but he refused to let his nerves stop him from what he needed -no- wanted to do. He reminded himself of the conversation Kogitsunemaru reminded him of that took place four years ago. And he remembered how he said to Kogitsunemaru: “ I f I am ever put in the situation you are in now, I could only hope I’d be half as great of a father and partner that you are. ” And Nikkari knew he meant every word of that. There is nothing that could have changed that in such a small amount of time. It was time he accepted that yes, this was something he wanted, even though his nerves might tell him otherwise.

If he truly wanted to be as good of a father and partner that Kogitsunemaru was, he had to drop everything and take responsibility.

“But I know that I can do this,” he spoke with a strong conviction. “O r I’ll at least try.”

There as a hesitation on Souza’s end. Nikkari tried so hard to decipher what his silence meant. It was surprise, of course. But was he pleased at the offer, or was he busy finding a way to refuse without hurting his feelings.

Nikkari did not expect to be so pained to hear the latter.

“I… I can’t accept that.”

Nikkari’s heart dropped.

“But-”

“Nikkari,” he cut off before he could speak any further. “I… I need to tell you something. This… This baby… It… It might not be-”

“Might not be mine. I know, Souza. I know.”

Souza was taken aback. “You… do?”

“Well, I couldn’t exclude that possibility,” Nikkari admitted with a tilt of his head, and then he chuckled at his next thought. “At first it took me a while to realize it might be mine.”

“Then... Why take this responsibility on your own, if it may not be?”

“That doesn’t change anything,” Nikkari insisted. “The child will still need a father no matter what. And… I am willing to take that place, whether it is rightfully mine or not. All I need to know is if you would be alright with that. More like… If you would want that.”

Souza was a hard man to convince. He was never one to ask or even willfully accept any help for anything, which was the point Mikazuki tried to make to him before. Knowing him for so long, Nikkari was more than aware of this. He knew for as long Souza would spit out excuses that should deter him from sticking with his offer, it was crucial for him to stick to his guns and answer as steadfast as possible to let him know this was something he really wanted to do. There was no other way to convince a man as steadfast as him.

“But… But we never talked about kids,” Souza started to say. “ You’ve never talked about being a father. Hell, we slept together on a whim so how could I just ask you to accept a child, which might just belong to another man?”

“Because it’s still your baby.”

Souza’s shock became overwhelming. He stared back at Nikkari, still perplexed by this “undeserved” kindness.

“Forget the fact that we slept together,” Nikkari continued. “ You are my closest friend. Whether it is mine or not, I want to be there for you.”

Nikkari snuck his hands beneath Souza’s linen fortress and found his ivory hands. He graped them with his own, nearly entranced with the amount of warmth they put into his own cold fingertips.

“Souza,” he whispered, holding Souza sullen gaze. “Will you let me be there? There for you and… for the baby. I want you to know that I will be this child’s father. After all,” he shrugged. “I know there’s still a 50% chance it’s mine.”

“And what if it isn’t?” Souza whispered back with a crack in his voice. “What if I give birth to a child that belongs to the man I was with before we got together? How could you be alright with that?”

“Because I want to be there for you,” Nikkari reiterated. “No matter whose baby that is, I will love it just as much as I would have if we hadn’t slept together. That’s your baby, Souza. If this were still any other situation I would still love it.”

Souza went still.

Listening to the kind words Nikkari wove together, he found himself still upset. His only answer came from the possibility that maybe he just wanted to hide. Or maybe he wanted to make sure his hiding and isolation was actually for a reason. Actually, he knew his hiding was for a reason, and it was all because he was afraid that Nikkari would say what he just said.

Nikkari never was the type to be eager for fatherhood. His aloof nature and his own torment of his past surely was enough to make him want to remain childless for as long as his spirit survived. So how could he offer himself like this if he wasn’t obligated to?

Souza never wanted to put Nikkari in a situation like this. What kind of friend was he to do so?

He opened his mouth to reject Nikkari’s offer again, but… Then another thought came… What if it really is his child? He could linger on the fact that it could still be Heshikiri’s and deny Nikkari’s proposition for that reason and that reason only. But then what if it is his in the end? How could he deny him that chance of fatherhood he seems to be so willing to uphold?

Maybe Nikkari was doing this to be kind, but… Souza realized… Maybe he shouldn’t do this alone. Even if it is Hasebe’s, there is no chance he could get him to take that responsibility, especially when Souza remembered the sole reason he decided to end things with him. If he were to deny Nikkari now, the child will be fatherless. Who was he to deny his child a father because of his mistakes and insecurities?

He felt his heart start to race as he asked, “You really want to do this?”

“Yes, Souza. I do.”

And there it was. For the first time in a long time, Souza felt a warmth swell inside of his heart. For once things didn’t feel so heavy upon his shoulders. The burdens he carried finally escaped through tepid tears. As the heaviness released from his body he realized that for the first time in a long time he started crying out of pure appreciation and gladness. He didn’t care about the blanket over his shoulders as he twisted to his side to throw his arms around Nikkari’s shoulders and let his tears soak into his sleeve.

“Nikkari, thank you,” he gasped. “Thank you so much.”

Nikkari wrapped his own arms around his partner’s robed back, providing the security he is sure he missed for these past weeks. “There is no need to thank me,” he cooed. "It’s merely the right thing to do.”

Souza’s whole heavy air was gradually replaced by this flowery lightness; it was a warmth and pure comfort with Nikkari’s presence. Even Nikkari felt the knot he bore in his stomach untie, allowing him to take in Souza’s warmth without preservation.

After a minute or so, Souza started pulling back from the embrace, returning to his backrest of cushions. He took the heels of both his palms and wiped the tears from his eyes.

“Gods, I’m so sick of crying,” he said with a chuckle and a small smile. “That’s all I’ve been doing.”

“Well, I would too,” Nikkari said as he handed Souza a clean napkin that rested on the tray. “At least… I would assume so. Not that I’ve had experience.”

Nikkari was pleased that got another slight laugh out of Souza.

It was odd how in one split second they could all of a sudden go back to who they were before all of this started without all of that “acting” they had before. It felt as though the shards of glass were swept from the floor and they could return to walking around each other without fear of being hurt or hurting the other.

“I was so afraid the baby wouldn’t have a father,” Souza disclosed with another laugh as he wiped his tears away with the napkin. “I’m sure if you never stepped up, Kousetsu would insist on taking the role of father and… Gods I don't think I could live with that.”

Nikkari chuckled. “That sounds like something Kousetsu would do. That would put you in quite the weird place, hm?”

Amongst their fond laughter, Nikkari suddenly remembered something and quickly excused himself. He padded to the shoji and reached out of the door to grab the shallow, white box he strategically left there before. With the room’s draining darkness, he found now to be the right time to bring it out.

“This is for you,” Nikkari said as he handed Souza the box after returning to his seat beside him. “To be honest this is partially why it took me so long to speak with you.”

“Oh Nikkari, this is too much,” he said, looking at the box in his lap. “You didn’t have to.”

“Apparently I don't have to do a lot of things,” he said considering Souza said the same thing earlier today. “But it is my honor to do them.”

With little hesitation, Souza decided to accept whatever Nikkari took the time to put together. It was humbly wrapped in the white box and a pink ribbon, but as he lifted the lid he realized the gift was anything but humble.

Within the box was a perfectly folded garment of fabric which Souza found out to be a kimono as he started lifting it from the box. Seeing it in a better view, his eyes widened immensely. The color was primarily a soft lavender, and the sleeves faded to pink. The sleeves and the body of the piece were also embroidered with flower patterns of all sorts with reds, pinks and whites. Noticing the accents of gold within those already intricate patterns made Souza absolutely speechless. Even the pink obi that was included; it was not so much an obi, but a soft sash, which was clearly a conscious choice on Nikkari’s end which was so meaningful.

It was… Perfect. Absolutely perfect . He couldn’t stop looking at it.

“Nikkari, this… This is absolutely beautiful. How did you manage this?”

It was not an odd question. After all, the citadel’s inhabitants were already provided with all they needed with the citadel’s budget. Most purchases were to come straight from their funds which left zero room for personal expenditures, especially something as expensive as this.

The citadel’s budget was already tight enough as it was, so it was impossible for Nikkari to have convinced Saniwa to allow him to get him something this elaborate as a mere gift.

“That’s not for you to worry about,” he responded with a wave of his hand. “I’m sure that you don’t have any garments that would be suited to your… current needs. So this should last you quite a while.”

He kept staring at the elaborate embroidery. “Nikkari… I… I don't know what to say.”

“You don't have to say anything. But wait, look further.”

Nikkari somewhat excitedly looked over his shoulder, giving Souza no choice but to blindly take his instructions. He delicately removed the long garment from its place and put it beside him and at the bottom of the box he saw another item.

It barely took up any space on the box’s bottom. Its color was a magenta, like the robe Souza usually wore around the citadel. But this one bore a similar pattern to the kimono Nikkari gifted to him, and Souza found himself enraptured by the adorableness of the piece.

“Now both you and the child have something new,” Nikkari stated simply.

He was at a loss for words. Not only did he just come in, bringing him a tray of food and feeding him, he just offered and took the heavy responsibility of parenthood and now gifted him and the baby with these beautiful pieces of clothing. Nikkari was such a strange, quiet and aloof being, yes. But seriously, this man had such a big and caring heart, Souza sometimes felt he didn’t deserve a friend that was as good as he.

“Really, Nikkari. This is… You have done so much more than I could have ever asked for.”

“I’m glad you like them. Actually… Do you mind if I hold it for a moment?”

Without qualms, Souza handed Nikkari the miniature kimono and he resumed to putting his own kimono safely back in the box it came in, just until he decided to get himself up to put it away. It was then that he watched out of the corner of his eye as Nikkari took the outfit in his hands then caressed the fabric to the side of his face. It was an odd gesture that was not uncommon to the Wakizashi, and Souza just shrugged it off.

But then it was in that moment he realized how he managed this purchase. There was one way for swords to accumulate spending money on their own and that was to sell some of their pre-existing possessions. Nikkari was one to harbor some odd things that no one else would really have a desire for, but there was one thing Souza knew would give him as much cash as a kimono like this would need.

If Souza wasn’t mistaken, gold ran for a good price nowadays.

He felt a warmth rising in his face as he finished laying the kimono back properly. And with that, he gave a heartfelt “Thank you,” to Nikkari who took it just the same.

He really was blessed with such a caring friend and partner.

Brought back from his subtle euphoria, Nikkari looked back to Souza and asked, “Do you think you can come out of hiding now?” He took the garment from his face and returned it to Souza. “We have a whole citadel of men who still have no idea what’s going on with you.”

“Well, now I have a new kimono to wear,” he said in jest as he placed the item on top of his own. But then he looked at Nikkari with a soft and thankful gaze to say: “And now I won’t be alone. Will you be willing to accompany me tomorrow?”

With a pleased yes from his partner, Souza smiled and fell into his growing habit of resting a hand upon his stomach as they talked over tomorrow’s plans.

Then all of a sudden, Souza was cut off by something. More like, something caught his attention. His gaze was set for a moment as his brows bunched slightly and he methodically started rubbing his abdomen. At first he did this over the grey robe he wore, but then he snuck a hand beneath it, trying to get a better feel.

“What’s wrong?” Nikkari asked after finishing his current thought, raising a brow.

“I…” he started, still with his eyes unmoving. “I feel it.”

“Is it moving?”

“No. But… I feel it.”

Souza kept forcing his own hand on his stomach, consciously trying to keep his robe covering him. After a few seconds passed and Souza took a glance to Nikkari, something clicked, and without any sort of hesitation, he reached for the hems of his robe and pulled it open to reveal his new, full form.

If anyone deserved to see it, it was Nikkari.

And Nikkari was quite conscious not to make any sort of spectacle out of the shock that was Souza’s frame. His body was still so thin, yet perfectly curved where his ribs led to the bottom of his belly. It may not have been too far along relatively, but for someone like Nikkari who wasn’t able to see the progression was once again breathless at how much changed in Souza’s thin frame, especially in the past three weeks.

He found it to be stunning but he knew such comments wouldn’t be too appreciated at the moment. So he waited for Souza to speak first.

“There it is,” Souza said with a growing smile as he looked down to his porcelain skin, kneading the soft flesh. “I haven’t had this before.”

Nikkari carefully looked over to where Souza was prodding, and it was definitely something new. Assuming he was welcomed, he leaned over to see that there was a distinct roundness where Souza touched. Not just the roundness of his belly in general, but a more definite form. He took it upon himself to reach over and feel it for himself.

Thankfully, the touch did not entice a shock to pulse through him like last time. This time he could at least anticipate it. So this time, it was more of a shallow wave.

The area right below Souza’s navel was actually quite hard and fascinatingly sizable. The closest thing he could compare it to was feeling an orange that was somehow hidden beneath Souza’s skin.

“Is this really the baby?” Nikkari asked.

“I would think so,” he said. “There is nothing else it could be. It must have changed position… Or something. I’ve never really felt it like this before.”

Nikkari found himself falling into the feelings that were slowly submerging his hands. He felt the warmth take to his cold palms (of course causing Souza muscles to tighten ever so slightly beneath his chilling touch) and gave him a sense of tranquility, a light blue and soft green wave, nearly bright enough to turn pure white. He found himself in a blissful euphoria as elation and warmth clouded his heart when he felt where the growing child was.

To make things even more blissful, the presence was stronger than it was three weeks ago, which meant the child must have been growing well.

“The presence is strong,” he found himself saying beneath his breath.

The two found themselves looking at each other again, falling into each other’s soft looks. Nikkari felt Souza’s warmth again reaching over his hand, holding it over the child that caused such drama these past few weeks.

Souza laughed and looked down to where he held to Nikkari’s hand.

“We… We really are having a baby, aren’t we?”

Beneath both of their palms was someone new, someone who will have to grow in time and will need them desperately to survive… Nikkari knew he could do it, but it was kind of unbelievable that he had to. But to actually feel it today? It made it so much more real for him and of course it was the same for Souza, considering this was the first time he actually felt the baby too.

And he couldn’t express the joy he felt after hearing Souza say “we.” Being referred to as a unit with Souza meant he really is going to be a father and Souza was alright with that.

He took his hand and pulled Souza’s forehead to his, touching him gently.

“Yes,” he whispered to answer his lover’s question. “Yes we are.”

Chapter Text

“Nikkari… I don’t know if I should do this.”

Nikkari watched from the edge of the room at Souza who was taking a good look at himself in his new kimono. It was just about breakfast time and the entire morning consisted of Nikkari assuring Souza that no one was going to judge him as he walked out of this shoji today. He was going to be hit with a lot of questions for sure, but he guaranteed him that there wasn’t going to be any ill will. Any sort of ill will could only come from “you-know-who,” and Nikkari heard he was sent out today anyway, so they had time before that dreaded confrontation. Once that was settled, Souza didn’t waste any time in getting ready for the day and Nikkari enjoyed watching him.

“Sure,” Nikkari said with heavy eyes as he knelt on a cushion on the room’s floor. “We can just wait until the child is born and fully raised and then we can tell everyone. That seems like a great idea.”

Souza turned around to face Nikkari as he wrapped the kimono around himself. “Very funny. You know that’s not what I meant.”

It was amazing to see how much Souza changed in the matter of a day. After Nikkari spoke with him and completely committed to being the baby’s father, his air of depression vanished and no longer was he the “caged bird” he became for that month or so in which he isolated himself.

For the remainder of the day yesterday they remained inside, talking over things and catching up on the time they missed together. And by the time the end of the day came around, Nikkari offered for Souza to come sleep with him in his room. Juzumaru was dispatched for the day so the two parents-to-be would have some well needed privacy (and it would give Souza a much needed change of scenery). Once settled, they were able to talk to each other for the rest of the evening seamlessly. After all, there were a lot of things to cover now that they were expecting a child.

But what was so good to see this morning was how proud and more free Souza was in comparison to yesterday. The glint that was missing for so long finally returned to his eyes and he was standing taller than he ever had. Nikkari found himself just sitting and adoring every moment.

Souza took the obi and wrapped it around himself as best he could, letting it rest on top of his belly’s curve. At fast glance, the bump wasn’t too noticeable, but the obi’s particular position wasn’t making his condition any less obvious. A minute or so passed of Souza adjusting the obi needlessly, and he just gave a sigh and turned around and looked at Nikkari.

“But look at how… big I am.”

Nikkari tilted his head to the side as a grin touched his lips.

“It really isn’t bad, not at all,” Nikkari sighed as he lifted himself from his seat. He went behind Souza’s back and wrapped his arms around him to hold is hands in front of him, holding their fists right below his belly. He leaned over just enough past Souza’s arm so he could look over and reach as much of Souza’s sights he could. “You have to remember what all of this is for, and that people understand that. Did you judge Mikazuki when he was brimming with his own child?”

He sighed. “No…”

Nikkari then sensually closed his eyes and nuzzled his nose into Souza’s arm. “So what makes this any different? Not to mention you look absolutely stunning in that kimono.”

Souza could hear the smirk dancing upon Nikkari’s lips. With a smile Souza playfully took one of his hands back and playfully slapped Nikkari’s, telling him to stop.

“Let’s just get this over with, alright? I’m dreading it enough as it is.”

“Oh, come on,” Nikkari hummed as he continued to hang from his sleeve. “Why not savor it? A pregnancy announcement only comes once in lifetime.”

“Not when you have over sixty some-odd men to tell.”

“No one said you had to tell everyone today. We will tell the important ones, and let everyone else figure it out on their own.”

When Souza felt Nikkari’s cool palm against the underside of his belly, he pursed his lips. “You said it wasn’t noticeable.”

“It’s not,” he assured, still pressing his palm against his belly. “But you’re still… You’re still…” He paused. “How long did we say you were?”

Souza laughed with a playful roll of his eyes. For him to forget something they spent so much time figuring out the night previous was such a Nikkari thing to do. “Sixteen, Nikkari. We said about sixteen.”

“Sixteen,” he repeated with his characteristic smile, and his palm resumed to caress the baby while snuggling closer into Souza’s sleeve. “You have a sixteen week old baby in your belly. Someone’s going to notice without us telling him. Just as long as we tell Hachisuka and Kasen and them, we can let everyone else figure it out on their own until you are ready.”

Then Souza went cold, not necessarily at what Nikkari was saying, but at a sudden reminder. His voice instantaneously became sensitive as he said: “Is Kasen going to be okay?”

Nikkari was fully aware that this was something they had to consider in giving their announcement today. Sure, even though it has been a year since Kasen’s miscarriage, he was still affected by it heavily, which was made clear yesterday when Nikkari went to the kitchens. The question was, what kind of reaction could they anticipate? The last thing they wanted to do was hurt him even more which inconveniently could be caused by telling him or not telling him. It was really a catch twenty-two.

“I thought about that too,” Nikkari sighed. “But, I honestly think he’d be more upset if we kept this from him. He’s very proud, you know.”

“I know, but…” Souza didn’t need to finish the thought, for Nikkari’s point still held true. They could not predict how Kasen would react to them being gifted with a successful pregnancy, but it was more likely he would be upset if they kept it from him because of some insecurities. In some ways, that may be more of a stab at him than just telling him.

“I’m sure he’ll be happy for us,” Nikkari insisted, trying to lift the darkened mood. “But, we won’t rub it in his face either.”

“I wasn’t planning on that. I mean, I wish I didn’t have to-” he stopped for a moment and looked at his belly. “No offence.”

Nikkari chuckled as he dropped his wrapped arms from Souza’s torso. “You speak to him so openly.”

“Well, he, or she, has really been my only conversation partner for a while now, at least when Kousetsu or Sayo wasn’t around.”

“My mistake,” Nikkari said with a raise of his hands as he walked away from Souza. “Force of habit.”

“There is a fifty percent chance of you being right, though,” he added softly.

“I suppose you’re right,” he ended as he stood before the shoji. He turned around to look at Souza who was watching where he walked. “So. Are you ready to do this?”

Souza didn’t make any movement from where he stood. He gave a sincere sigh and said, “As ready as I will ever be.”

The smirk twitched further from the corner of Nikkari’s lips. He put his hand upon the shoji and carefully slid it open, walking out first to allow for Souza to follow.

Nikkari always felt more at ease within the comfort of night and darkness, so leaving the shroud of his room was always a sort of effort particularly when the sun shone as brightly as it did today.

Turning around, he found that his room was still clouded with Souza’s silhouette. The room may have been licked by the natural light, but only so much made its way into the room, giving Souza a relevant shroud of isolation and shade. Dark rooms have become his hiding spot, and habits are hard to leave at the snap of his fingers. It would be a long time since Souza has stepped into the bright and revealing light of day, so what else could Nikkari do but hold a hand out to him and assure him one last time that it was going to be alright?

Souza’s heels clicked across the floor, hesitantly edging towards the line between his security and a world he wasn’t sure he could handle being in. His own cloak of hiding has kept him from whatever pain that might be festering outside of the paper walls. But Nikkari was waiting on the other side for him without a concern in the world except for him.

So he let his fingers stretch past the darkness first to touch the frigid tips of Nikkari’s hand, and for once he remembered how safe the citadel really was.

When Souza’s polished hand broke past the veil of hiding, Nikkari could feel a warmth billowing around him. He was mesmerized as Souza’s long form was slowly submerged into the light. At first it was just the flawlessness of his hand slipping into his own, delicate as a queen’s, powered and gloved to perfection. Then the curtain of shadow pulled back and uncovered his arm, then his side, and soon his face and his whole body, and Nikkari could really see how his skin would glow in the natural light. Even his hair seemed to glisten in soft, silken strands. He always had a flawless complexion, but this rivaled all the majesty of a porcelain doll, with his gemstone eyes soaking in the glint of the sun. Add the element of the fitting lavender and rose kimono that too grabbed shimmers from the sunlight, Souza seemed almost godly in Nikkari’s eyes, especially with the smooth and awe inspiring curve that poked from beneath his chest.

For a moment the golden rays felt like they melted the frosty sheet that still lingered within the air all of these weeks prior, and right then he finally realized that the cold of winter was gone, and spring has come at last.

“It will be nice to no longer walk these corridors alone,” Nikkari cooed to Souza who held his hand so delicately, and he was happy to see a blushing smile touch his face. And with their hands clasped, they began their journey through the citadel to make Souza's long awaited appearance in the dining hall.

As they walked Nikkari could feel the anxiety pulsing through Souza’s veins, particularly in the way he clutched his hand and kept his lips shut tight. And the grip on got tighter when familiar voices and the patter of sandals came from the oncoming corner.

Surprisingly though, as two familiar tachi turned the corner with a third, smaller yet even more familiar figure, Souza’s tensity faded just a bit. Maybe it was the laughter of Nichibotsune that made his hard anxiety fade.

“Hey! Slow down!” Kogitsunemaru playfully growled at his son who was running ahead of him and his partner. Nichibotsune just giggled his child-like laugh in response and started scampering a little faster.

“Oh you want to be that way, huh?”

The little fox might have been fast, but Kogitsunemaru was still much bigger than he was. So he was able to lunge over and wrap his arm around the small waist before he could run any further and he threw him under his arm, carrying him like a ragdoll; a smiling, laughing and flailing ragdoll. And Mikazuki was just smiling and laughing as well, shaking his head at the rambunctious behavior of the two suns in his life. But it was he who noticed the other couple walking towards them and gave Souza the first fresh set of eye contact he had in a long time.

“Well, if it isn’t Souza and Nikkari.”

Kogi’s attention was drawn from Nichi to the two walking towards them. And he clearly noticed the way they held each other’s hand.

“It’s nice to see you out in the light again,” Mikazuki continued as they approached one another. “I have to say, you look absolutely beautiful today.” He turned to his lover beside him. “Doesn't he, Kogitsunemaru?”

“Yes,” he said with kind hum. “You are absolutely glowing.”

“Oh wow,” Souza replied with a shy stroke of his hair behind his ear. “That really is kind coming from you.”

Of course Mikazuki laughed, and Souza found it time to make mention of something that has been bothering him for awhile now.

“Mikazuki, I… I  must apologize for how I spoke to you all of those weeks back. I… Hope you can forgive me.”

“Don’t worry yourself,” he said with a wave of his hand. “I understand. I was overstepping my boundaries. But I am pleased to see things have changed since then. Now go, get yourselves a good breakfast. I saw your friends just sitting down to their meals. I’m sure they will be quite happy to see you.”

And once Mikazuki gave a closing grin, they were gone just as fast as they came. Nikkari tilted his head towards Souza and said. “That wasn’t too hard, now was it?”

“To be fair I didn’t have to tell them-”

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Nikkari give him a look, and he caved.

“Fine, you are right. It isn’t too hard.”

And with pleasure the two easily strolled to the mess hall and Nikkari could still feel Souza’s strong apprehension. And to be honest, Nikkari started feeling that twinge as well, not for his own sake, but for the fact that there really was no way to predict what was going to happen as they walked through those doors. When they reached the doors of wood and paper, they stood still before it, finding the sound of interacting voices behind them to be immense, just as it always was. In essence they could either walk into a sea of staring eyes or be completely unacknowledged due to the activity in the room. For Souza’s sake, Nikkari hoped it was the latter. To ensure that, they had to walk in and act as nonchalantly as possible, so they would not be instantly noticed. That way Souza could find a comfortable seat before being confronted by anyone.

“Are you ready?” Nikkari asked one last time to make sure he was really okay.

Souza took a deep breath and went ahead and opened the shoji himself, and it was no surprise that the tables were practically filled.

Souza was surprisingly quick to enter, almost leaving Nikkari behind. He soon realized why, for the table he was heading to had two vacant spots, one beside Kasen and one beside Hachisuka who were caught up within their own conversation. Surely to his satisfaction they were placed at the far and least obvious table in the hall. His footfalls were so quiet and ignored Kasen barely noticed when he pulled out the chair beside him and sat down. But once he did, he turned to Souza with wide eyes and threw his arms around his neck.

“My goodness, Souza!” he exclaimed with the brightest shine of happiness. “It’s been ages!”

“Nice to see you out of your hiding,” Hachisuka said with his characteristic edge as he held his arms across his chest. It was just his own form of sentimentality.

Souza found himself relishing in the grasp of Kasen, and he said his hellos and proper “good mornings” to them all. “It’s nice to see you all again.”

“Awww, no sentimental hugs for me?” Nikkari whined as he pulled the chair out from beside Hachisuka, teasing him as he usually did.

“Unfortunately, we get to see your face everyday,” Hachisuka spat back.

“Ah, so harsh,” Nikkari sighed, throwing his elbow onto the table and sinking his head into his palm. “Why must you always be so cruel to me?”

“Why must you always be so irritating?”

As the two started bickering back and forth, Kasen leaned in next to Souza, murmuring something along the lines of a comment musing about Hachisuka and Nikkari being “back at it again,” and Souza found himself smiling at that.

“But seriously,” Kasen said bringing Souza’s eyes to his own knowing Hachisuka and Nikkari were too busy arguing to listen. “How are you? What’s been going with you?”

Souza sighed with his own solemn smile as he took his gaze back and brought it to the wood grain of the table before him. “Well, to honest, I’m not exactly sure how to tell you all.” He looked up. “Especially you.”

The deep well in Souza’s eyes twisted a nervous knot into Kasen’s stomach. Understandably so, for that could have meant a number of things. For Souza to be apprehensive about sharing something with him was no small issue, and knowing how he hid for weeks as a result of whatever he was facing only gave him a bad foreboding.

“Souza, you know you can tell me anything. What’s going on with you?”

As Kasen posed the question, Hachisuka and Nikkari went quiet, entering the private conversation the two were having.

“Now, I know things haven’t been easy for you, but I know you would be more upset if I didn't tell you…”

The three of them kept quiet, Nikkari more so than the others.

“So, a few weeks ago, I found myself not feeling very well, as I’m sure you remember. And, I actually found myself quite lightheaded, fainting too many times for comfort. Mikazuki insisted I see Yagen about it and…”

Souza looked up to see Hachisuka and Kasen attentive in their seats, eager to get an answer for what’s been going on with Souza. And Souza gave a slight and almost nervous chuckle.

“It... turns out I’m carrying a child.”

The thick air didn’t move in the slightest. It was as if Souza didn’t say anything at all. The voices around them remained constant, and not even the two sets of strong blue-green eyes could break it.

Kasen was the first to speak. “Are you serious?”

Whatever sort of flittering confidence he had faded then and there, and the growing guilt dulled the voices that surrounded them. “I know. I’m sorry,” Souza sighed from utter guilt. “I shouldn’t have hidden it from you for so long and I don’t want to hurt you-”

As a surprise to him, Souza then felt two warm hands on his shoulders and Kasen was giving him a sincere stare.  “Souza, Souza, Souza. Don’t worry about that. But does that mean, you and Hasebe are back together?”

The innocence of the question felt like an ice pick to his chest and the mass in his stomach felt a little tighter. He caressed the roundness of his frame subconsciously, telling Kasen and Hachisuka alike that it was not so.

“By the Gods…” Hachisuka muttered beneath shocked breath.

“But,” Souza started with a bit of hesitation, “That could be a good thing, or a bad thing.”

“What does that mean?” Hachisuka queried. And all of a sudden Nikkari started chuckling for a reason unbeknownst those who were not Souza.

“Nikkari! Have some respect!”

“It’s fine, Hachisuka,” Souza replied with a forced grin.

“I’m merely enjoying his word choice,” Nikkari grinned. “I mean no malcontent.”

“That’s right,” Souza agreed. “And what I meant to say was that… This baby… May... or may not... be Hasabe’s.”

“You… Don’t know who…? Goddamnit Souza,” Hachisuka groaned with a palm to his face. “Oh dear goodness, please tell me it wasn’t that fake that got you like this.”

Souza raised an irritated brow. “Nagasone and I haven’t been together in seven years. We were literally together for a month.”

“It still feels like yesterday,” Hachisuka lamented.

Kasen was still a few steps back into the conversation. “Well if it’s not Nagasone, and maybe not Hasebe… Whose… Is it then?”

Souza didn’t have to answer, for just as Kasen posed the question, Nikkari slowly and sheepishly raised his hand, setting the two to stun. Hachisuka did not find this funny and shot Nikkari down in an instant.

“Nikkari. This isn’t funny. Souza’s facing something real-”

“He’s not kidding though,” Souza said with a completely straight face.

“Whoa whoa whoa wait a minute,” Hachisuka started, waving his hands then pointing his finger down onto the table, leaning in towards Souza like he was interrogating him. “You want me to believe that you two... did it?”

“Unless you know of any other way to make a child, then yes,” Nikkari hummed as smooth as ever.

Before Hachisuka lost it on Nikkari, Souza managed to explain.

“Well… As you know I was pretty distraught after ending things with Hasebe a week before the New Year, so Nikkari came by and-”

“Alright, alright, you can stop there.”

“Hmmmm… You sure you don’t want to hear every heated detail about our little encounter?” Nikkari murmured, leaning into his bitter friend’s shoulder. “It was quite the evening-”

“I said stop. Look at what you’re doing to poor Souza, making him blush like that.”

Hachisuka wasn’t lying, Souza’s face took a strong shade of red as Nikkari made the comment. But that didn’t stop Nikkari from teasing Hachisuka (using the mention of blushing as a perfect innuendo), ending with a loud whack to the back of his head, and that kept him quiet long enough for him to speak to Souza again.

“But are you really trying to tell me you might be carrying Nikkari’s baby?”

Another nervous laugh. “That’s about the short of it.”

“But…” Kasen started with clear hesitation. “What if it isn’t his?”

“That doesn’t matter,” Nikkari quickly disclosed. “I’ll be the father even if it isn’t mine. We decided last night.”

“Wow, that’s, very good of you,” Kasen commented with wide eyes.

“Now how long have you two known this?” Hachisuka continued.

Rubbing a hand to the back of his seemingly bruised head, Nikkari said he had an idea for a few weeks now, but it wasn’t until yesterday where he got the actual answer out of Souza.

“So you open the door for this guy when you don’t even open it for me or Kasen? I have to say I’m offended.”

“Well ‘this guy’ brought me food,” Souza rallied back to Hachisuka’s playful ire.

“Oh. So if we brought you a snack you would have opened the toll bridge.”

“They do say ‘food is the gateway to the soul,’” Nikkari chimed in.

“I don’t think anyone has ever said that,” Hachisuka replied.

“Actually,” Kasen piped up, “that doesn’t sound too un familiar…”

Then as if on cue Kasen felt someone creep up behind him and place a chin upon his head.

“Do I hear you talking about me?”

Kasen did not seemed to amused by his partner’s sudden appearance for reasons soon disclosed. Kasen did his best to look at him but to no avail, for Shokudaikiri remained snugg on the top of his head.

“Aren’t you supposed to be in the kitchen?” Kasen sneered.

“You weren’t there with me, so I missed you,” Shokudaikiri cooed warmly, placing a sentimental kiss on his lover’s head, making Kasen blush in the slightest. Then he noticed the sword who sat beside him was none other than Souza, and his welcome was a bright as the spring day outside.

“Ah! Souza! It’s good to see you again. Nikkari, it seems your plan worked.”

“So you did speak to him…” Kasen sighed, knowing that Nikkari’s phrase truly was just as familiar as he thought it to be.

“What? Are you jealous?” Shokudaikiri said with a smirk.

“No, I-” and he was cut off as Shokudaikiri’s gloved hand reached under his chin and pulled his lips to his, making his cheeks go from a rose to an all out crimson. “Please! You’re making a scene!” He flailed back.

“Hey! You two!” They all heard from across the room. “Get a room!” Who else would it be but a troublemaking crane who liked to pull the leg of his fellow Date sword?

“Well if you weren’t so loud I could have gotten away with it,” Shokudaikiri said back, matching Tsurumaru’s volume to Kasen’s irritation.

Again started a whole verbal spar between Souza’s friends, their lovers and friends of their lovers, all going back and forth about subjects of the mundane but making them larger than life in the way that Souza almost forgot they did so often.

He almost forgot how much he loved it.

Nikkari must have saw him for the two of them locked eyes for a solid moment, and he gave him this sweet and pure smile. Not the usual spectral Nikkari kind, but a subtle grin and close of the eyes illustrating a pure pleasure that Souza was alright, and it somehow made Souza even happier than he already was.

He didn’t think that having everyone around him again would make him feel so comfortable. It was more comfortable than the confines of his own room, the total opposite of what he thought when he first found out about his new condition. Maybe, this wasn’t going to be as bad as he originally thought.

Conversation went on and on, and since Shokudaikiri showed up his closest friends were somehow automatically keen to how he wanted to keep this private, and conversation flowed as if nothing changed. Shokudaikiri grabbed his own breakfast (as well as Souza’s and Nikkari’s out of courtesy and perfect instinctual hospitality) and took a seat next to Kasen. From then on they all caught up for as long as their meals lasted them, and things went as smooth as ever.

Then Fudou stumbled over.

It wasn’t like there was any particular foreboding with his presence, but seeing the rouge across his nose dragged a sigh out of Hachisuka’s throat. He wasn’t one for drunken antics in anyway shape or form. Thankfully Fudou wasn’t stumbling over himself like Jiroutachi did at times, oh but was it obvious he had something to drink this morning.

And of course Nikkari couldn’t hold back his chuckles. Shokudaikiri was good at properly engaging Fudou in innocent conversation as he shuffled over, but soon Fudou’s attention was dragged to Souza, and of course the drunk had to be the one to point out the obvious.

“Souza… Where have you been?” He said with a subtle slur, almost giving him an air of agitation.

Kasen couldn’t hold his own sigh when he saw the cup Fudou held in his hand and he pinched his nose between his fingers, trying to fight a disappointed frown. “Fudou, there are very few people who could handle alcohol before breakfast and saying Jiroutachi is one of them doesn’t make it better.”

“Nosada… You’re so mean,” he pouted with a slight step back, catching himself from a minor imbalance. And then he leaned on the table getting close to Souza, locking him in a stare, and then he said it.

“Souza… What the Hell happened to you?!” After a moment of dazed staring, making Souza lean back in his seat, Fudou put a palm to his face and said, “You got yourself all fat-”

“Fudou!” Kasen snapped. “That’s incredibly rude!”

While keeping a palm to his face he looked at Kasen and said, “Whaaaat? You don’t see this?”

Hachisuka smacked his hand. “Stop it. You reek of alcohol.”

“Ow,” he wined, taking his hand back, waving it and coddling it. Hachisuka really had a hard hit. But he didn’t stop staring at Souza, and everyone could tell it was making him uncomfortable, Kasen in particular. It was only a matter of time before Fudou made something obvious about all of this, and sensitive to Souza’s feelings he took the initiative to try and get Souza out of the mess hall as soon as possible. He started raising from his seat, nudging Souza to come along with him, and that was when Fudou’s eyes went wide.

“You’re pregnant?”

Shokudaikiri lost the grip on his chopsticks and almost choked on the food he had in his mouth. Thank goodness the sounds in the mess hall drowned out Fudou’s shock, but they had a feeling it wouldn’t last too long. So Kasen moved as fast as he could to shuffle Souza out of the mess hall, but slowly but surely Fudou was dragging as much attention as he could to himself, speaking louder with every phrase.

“You are ! Aren’t you? Everyone!! I wants to drink tos-Ouza. To him and his-”

Like a light footed specter, Nikkari was right behind Fudou in a moment and was able to put his hand over his mouth.

“Not so fast,” he hummed. “I actually believe Souza and Kasen were going to head out right now. So…” He leaned over Fudou’s shoulder and gave him his paralyzingly soft gaze. “Maybe wait for a better time for that.”

Fudou was almost paralyzed by his strong gaze, and it gave just enough time for Kasen to escort Souza out, and once they were out of embarrassment's way Fudou fumbled from his grip and gave up.

Once Fudou stumbled away in his awkward and drunken stupor, Nikkari settled back into his seat, this time taking Kasen’s sitting beside Shokudaikiri, abandoning what was left of his breakfast to the other side of the table.

“I wonder why Fudou would say such a thing,” Shokudaikiri remarked as he swallowed the last of his own breakfast.

“Because it’s true,” Nikkari stated with a roll of his eyes towards the man beside him.

“Wait, what?”

“It’s just as a surprise to us,” Hachisuka remarked. “It’s the first time he’s told anyone, besides Nikkari here.”

“So that’s why he’s been…”

Nikkari gave him a quiet nod.

“Well that explains a lot. How’s he taking it?”

“He’s better than he was,” Nikkari said with sincerity, leaning back into his palm. “And we have to keep it that way. The man already struggles with enough emotional pain as it is. We can’t let this make it worse.”

“Do we know? Is it Hasebe’s then?”

Nikkari’s stare was far off before them, deep into space. “It’s that question that’s causing him such pain. So far the only thing saving him is Hasebe’s absence as of late.”

“But he’s going to find out eventually,” Mitsutada said. “What’s going to happen then?”

Nikkari took a moment. “That… Is what we are concerned about.”

“Let’s just hope it doesn’t turn out to be his,” Hachisuka sighed. “Souza shouldn’t have that sort of burden.”

“Well,” Shokudaikiri started, “at least Heshikiri doesn’t come back until-”

Before he could finish the thought, there was a fast opening of the shoji and a clanking of armor.

“Hachisuka-niichan!”

The voice caught Hachisuka by surprise. He turned around in his seat to see his younger brother still in his battle robes donning this bright smile.

But Hachisuka had anything but.

“Urashima! You’re back!” He gasped in shock.

Urashima held his proud grin with his fists on his hips, beaming with pleasure at surprising his brother.

“That I am!” He said with a laugh. “Now I can spend the day with you now! Isn’t that exciting?”

Instead of bliss at seeing his brother safe and sound, Hachisuka was absolutely frantic. His eyes were moving back and forth in his head, clearly plagued with confusion and determined to solve whatever problem he came across.

Hachisuka’s silence and frustrated mutterings made Urashima’s lips turn in disappointment.

“Is... Everything okay, nii-chan?”

All of a sudden Hachisuka was up from his seat, his air etching its way into Nikkari and Shokudaikiri.

“Hachisuka, what’s wrong?” Mitsutada asked.

Without saying anything but an apology to Urashima, he was readying to bolt out of the mess hall doors. And after he said why he was filled with such panic, Nikkari and Shokudaikiri were up just as fast, leaving Urashima behind.

Urashima did not know why everyone panicked so when he said he was back for rest of the day. Unbeknownst to him, Hachisuka had reason. After all, Souza and Kasen just left into the open world of the citadel, area open to any sword who lived their. And Urashima’s return meant that not just him, but his whole team was back earlier than they expected.

And if Urashima was wandering around the citadel, the rest of his team must have too, without exception of his captain.

And that mission’s captain goes by the name of Heshikiri Hasebe.

*****

Kasen was able to escort Souza out of the mess hall without any unwarranted attention. They were able to wander to one of the more quiet areas of the citadel, allowing them to talk in peace.

“Fudou can be so inconsiderate sometimes,” Kasen started with a click of his tongue. “I’m glad we were able to get out of there before he did something idiotic.”

Souza’s tone kept soft beneath the light breeze that passed by. “He means well...”

Out of the corner of his eye, Kasen saw Souza burdened with a silencing hesitation. There was a weight hanging right over his head, and he was not good at hiding it whatsoever. It gave Kasen the urge to confront it instead of ignore it, hopefully turning his lead-like thoughts to that of a feather.

“Have you planned anything yet?” Kasen asked with no intent within his voice.

“Hm?”

“Preparations,” he clarified. “You said you and Nikkari went over things yesterday.”

“Oh. Well, I will be moving to a new room in the next week or so, and Nikkari is going to move in with me. The room I share with my brothers is way too small to add another being to.”

Kasen hummed in agreement. His generic question seemed to lighten the mood around him, just as he hoped.

“Nikkari seems to really be stepping up to this. I’m surprised. Did he take the news well?”

“Not at first. He… Found out by accident.”

“Accident? You mean, were hiding it from him too?” he said with an unconscious sigh.  

Souza stopped short, his tongue suddenly going sharp. “I didn’t know what to do-”

Kasen threw up his hands. “Hold up. Don’t get all defensive now. I was merely asking a question.”

In a lingering moment, Souza was thrown back from that sudden snap, his irritation slowly filling with a deep regret and disappointment in himself. When did he become so volatile?

“I’m… so sorry,” he sighed with a tilt of his head in shame. “I’m being inconsiderate of you, aren’t I? You’ve been through so much now here I am complaining…”

Kasen stepped a bit closer to Souza’s side. “Souza, this is a lot to take in, I know. I’ve been there. I’m sorry if I pushed you.”

He didn’t respond back. Instead he just turned away and was again taken in by the swell of guilt.

“Can I tell you something?” Kasen asked. His lack of vocal response gave him something of a yes .

“To be honest, it isn’t easy to hear about someone getting something I always wanted and lost, but, my sensitivity is not because of you , nor is it on you. It’s just a matter of timing, which is not your fault. Okay? So don’t worry about that anymore.”

He didn’t raise his gaze, telling him he hit the nail on the head. “...Alright…”

“Now, that being said. I want you to be honest and know you can speak to me about anything.”

“I know,” Souza said without any conviction at all, despite Kasen’s strong seafoam gaze.

“Are you really alright with this?”

Another, lingering breeze drifted past between the two of them, bringing strands of their hair with it. As Souza took a look at Kasen who stood beside him, he saw the face he has trusted for so long with his words, experiences and secrets. The two of them (with of course the addition of their two other buddies) gossiped in the quiet shadows of their room and cried on each other’s shoulder when their emotional pains sometimes became too much to bear on their own. After all, Souza has been by Kasen’s side for the past few years through his own turmoil, and he has seen so much. It would be a complete lie if he actually believed Kasen felt it unfair for him to listen to his pain for once.

And perhaps Kasen’s question implied all this. Perhaps Kasen already knew.

But that brought up another thing. Did Souza himself know the answer?

For a moment he thought about everything. The break up with Hasebe, New Years with Nikkari, fainting in the mess hall, telling Kousetsu, Nikkari accidentally running into him and then confronting him yesterday. Souza felt something confusing well up within himself, because although he was so pleased yesterday and this morning, he couldn’t seem to fight those little demons inside his heart.

Then… He saw Nikkari’s smile in his mind’s eye. He saw him sitting in front of him the night before, asking him about how he has been doing and about what he can do and what he was… Excited to do. For once he had that “partner in crime” with him, one who said he will be there through everything from then on in. It made Souza feel like nothing could hurt him, which was so different from the weeks before.

“Actually…” Souza started. “After Nikkari came to me yesterday… It was the first time I started to feel alright… As long as things stay alright… Then... I think I will be.”

Kasen’s soft smile and warm hand on his shoulder did something to keep the warmth in his chest.

“And… It is really nice to see all of you again, too,” Souza added with a genuine smile.

“It’s not easy hiding from all of us, now is it?”

“No, no,” Souza said with a laugh. “That it isn’t.”

“Well, now you know we are all going to get heavily involved with all of this,” Kasen said with a puff of his chest. “I hope you will let me teach your child proper manners when the time calls for it.”

“Can the child be born first, please?” Souza said with a playful sigh, almost like a nervous chuckle knowing Kasen was anything but kidding and will surely do all he can to make sure the child is raised as elegantly as possible. That’s what Souza loved about Kasen: his stubborn honesty.

A few more playful advances passed between the two of them, and Kasen posed a few more questions about the happenings of the evening before and what sort of things he had planned for the future. And in turn Souza was able to ask Kasen about the past few weeks he has lived through. Souza made specific question out of the subtle gold ring on Kasen’s finger, teasing him about it being a secret marriage he told no one about. He laughed it off, and gave him the whole story about how it was a different sort of unity between Shokudaikiri and himself, as a way to avoid those few months they separated. And then came a lull of quiet, in which Kasen posed a sincere question.

“May I feel?”

The question seemed to come right out of the blue of the spring sky, and at first Souza was unsure of what he meant. But giving it some thought, there was only one thing it could be.

“Of course.”

Souza turned so Kasen was now standing in front of him. He took a momentary glance from side to side, checking to see if anyone was coming. Seeing that the coast was clear, he reached behind himself and untied his obi, freeing some of the slight pressure it placed on his abdomen.

“It’s… Not much yet,” Souza clarified as he snuck his fingers beneath the lips of his robe. “But if you really want to…”

Kasen’s eyes were glued to his show of skin for it was already slightly noticeable from the robe, but there really was something there when he saw the bare curve. He went down on his knees and delicately put his palm on his belly and slowly became entranced by the feeling of Souza’s pregnancy.

It was then Souza’s attention was caught by approaching footsteps. He didn’t think much of it at first, for Kasen’s delicate touch was more enthralling then someone walking by. It wasn’t until there was a harsh thud of metal rattling against the veranda that yanked their attention.

Kasen and Souza both flicked there heads to the side and both felt the same drop of their hearts right into their stomachs. Kasen pulled back like a flash, taking his hand back as fast as possible to give Souza the ability to throw his façade back on. Unfortunately, it was of no use. Kasen looked up to him and saw him frozen solid, frigid with something that looked like shock, solemn and fear. He didn’t even seem to be breathing. His heterochromatic eyes started glossing over with what Kasen knew was the start of a flood of tears.

Kasen stood up, finding it his responsibility to try and break the fallen wall of inevitable disaster.

“You… You’re back.”

The man Kasen addressed was almost as still as Souza was. His deep violet and golden drapes flew against his own effigy of a body; his body that was still adorned in his armor of battle. Kasen’s words didn’t register to him, for his eyes remained wide upon Souza. He noticed the sheathed sword at his feet, explaining the thud from before. They slipped from his gloved hands from shock, shock to see him, Kasen, with a hand upon Souza’s belly. A belly that was never there before.

The patter of more feet came from behind them, Kasen being the only one able to break his gaze found the calls and chase to be Nikkari and Hachisuka. They turned the corner and they both stopped to see the stare down going on between Souza and Heshikiri. Shokudaikiri wasn’t too far behind, and he came in so fast he almost ran into Hachisuka. His entry into the scene only made it more evident how the oxygen was just vacuumed out of the space around them. The only strong sense came from the fading warmth of the morning.

Nikkari was first to break the stillness, scampering to Souza quickly and putting a hand on his shoulder urging him to come with him, but it was of no use. He might as well have been a piece of tragic art, a marbled madonna of sorts, and the rest of them were just destined to gaze upon and stare as the golden embroidered swan was being shoved back into his cage of darkness and insecurity.

Then as if Nikkari wasn’t even behind him, Souza broke away, shoving Nikkari aside and speeding away without a look towards anyone. Nikkari called towards him, but Kasen stopped him. And then it was just him, Kasen, Hachisuka, Mitsutada and a still paralyzed Hasebe.

No one knew what to do. Heshikiri just gave a quick flick of the eyes to each one of them, and then, after one last look towards where Souza ran off, he snatched his sword from the ground, rose, and turned the opposite way and just stormed off as if no one else was there. And… That was it.

After moments of more unbearable silence, Hachisuka finally broke it. “Kasen. What happened?”

Kasen was just as speechless. He found himself holding his hand, remembering the warmth he felt beneath his palm moments before, now replaced with a guilt for being part of the reason for this happening.

“We were walking… Walking and just talking,” he stuttered. “Everything was fine and then... I asked if I could feel and then…”

“Does he know?” Nikkari cut in.

“Seeing that reaction, he must,” Hachisuka sighed, coming closer to the others. “He may only be sixteen weeks but, just like us he hasn’t seen him in a long time.” He rolled his eyes to the others. “And any sort of change in his ridiculously thin frame is as clear as day, especially for someone so familiar with it.”

“What… Do we do?” Shokudaikiri asked asked with a somber tone in his throat. He walked behind Kasen, putting his own hand upon his shoulder, noticing his lover’s own silent distress.

“This isn’t something we can fix,” Kasen sighed. “We just… Need to be there for Souza and do what’s best for him. Goodness this is my fault, isn’t it?” He threw his palm to his face, enticing Shokudaikiri to reassure him that that was not the case.

“This was inevitable,” Nikkari sighed, putting a hand on his hip, staring at the ground before his feet. “Souza knew it and I did too. I just-”

“Wish it didn’t become the worse case scenario,” Hachisuka finished.

The breeze before now carried a cold wind, sending a chill down every one of their spines. They were helpless. They were all wondering what they should do but, in truth, it was out of their hands just as Kasen said.

Nikkari found a void filling in his chest. To see Souza’s soft smile highlighted by the spring’s light erased into that of such frozen despair broke his heart. One day into committing to Souza indefinitely and he already failed at protecting him like he promised. Souza already had such a fragile happiness and he let it fall from his grip. He promised him Heshikiri was gone, letting him know he had just a little more time before he had to deal with this. He wanted to make sure he could do this one step at a time, but he accidentally shoved him into a sprint.

The cold crept over him, making him curl into his jacket.

I really made a mistake, didn’t I? This… Is my fault. I shouldn’t have pushed him…

He tried to remind himself of his conversation with Kogitsunemaru. He told him mistakes were going to happen. He told him it was going to be hard, but, only one day in it was already deathly frustrating and painful. And he wasn’t the one going through the worst of it. Maybe it would have been better if it were Heshikiri in his place, and he in his.

No, he told himself. You just made a mistake. It’s going to be alright. You deserve this… You can do this.

A part of him wanted to talk to Souza, but it was just going to be the same as it was these past few weeks. He wouldn’t want to talk, at least not right now. All he could do was hope Souza could keep the confidence he needed to get through this.

Chapter Text

Souza could barely recall the last time he experienced something like this. The morning was so warm, so blithe and sunny and the sky was such a strong and tranquil blue. The oddity did not come from the sky, however, for the color still remained the same as it did in the morning. Instead it come from the sudden vanish of heat within the air. Vaporized. Gone. The sun shone but everything was cold. Before the breeze was soft, but now it blew right through his skin every time it passed by.

This sort of chill would make anyone want to stay inside.

Surprisingly, Souza didn’t find himself inside this time. This afternoon he found himself seated on the veranda’s edge, overlooking the bright-yet-chilled spring landscape. No longer did he adorn himself in his gifted embroidered kimono. Instead he returned to his magenta robe, bypassing his usual obi and apron for just a simple tie around his waist.

He gripped tighter to a piece of loose fabric that he held in his hand, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath when another wind came by. After hearkening the soft rustle of the distant and early blooming trees, he took the fabric into his lap and unfolded it, revealing the collection of dried lavender he kept for moments like these.

Folding the cloth back again in such a way to keep the flowers in the folds, he took it into his grasp and held it firm to his nose, filling his senses with the calming scent of lavender, enabling his tensity to fade for a mere moment. It was unfortunate lavender only bloomed in the summer, because he would do anything to have a fresh stalk of lavender now. But, these remnants of last summer’s harvest were going to have to do.

As he started to pull the cloth away from his face, a soft patter of feet stopped behind him, and he didn’t need to turn to see who it was.

“You came to keep me company, Osayo?”

After Souza addressed him directly, Sayo wasted no time in settling himself down beside his brother, hanging his own, shorter legs over the edge of the veranda.

As per usual, they kept to their silence, merely finding each other’s presence enough to satisfy the situation. Sayo did notice though how Souza put the cloth to his nose again, and the wave of lavender crossed his own senses.

“The lavender?” Sayo murmured with his brittle whisper.

Souza pulled it away again, now placing the bundle back on his lap. “I always keep a bit of it with me after the season ends,” Souza explained, fully aware of what Sayo’s question implied. “I’ve been trying to take advantage of its relaxing effects. So far it’s been the only thing really helping.”

Sayo didn’t say anything in response, and he never really did. Instead he just brought his legs up from the veranda, pulling his knees to his chest as he leaned into Souza’s arm. And as a returned gesture, Souza wrapped his arm around his brother and a few minutes of quiet lingered on.

“How do you feel about all of this, Sayo?” Souza asked, never removing his gaze from the field before him.

He felt Sayo’s head tilt up to look at him.

“You are involved in this too,” Souza added. “In a few months time you’re going to be an Uncle. Does that excite you at all?”

Souza could sense the thought entering Sayo’s head, tumbling in without warrant. It obviously wasn’t something he had thought about much, out loud anyway.

“Uncle…” Was all he said, and Souza gave a delicate chuckle.

“Oh never mind. It was just a thought,” he reassured, placing a hand upon Sayo’s soft head. “To be honest, I haven’t accepted it much myself.”

It was then Souza felt Sayo turn his head to look up at him, and he knew Sayo saw deeper than the vague words he uttered. But… Now wasn’t the time. He didn’t say it for this to become a spewing of woes upon Sayo. So he just gave him another smile as an effort to ease whatever worries Sayo bore in regards to him.

“Thank you for checking in on me,” Souza decided to end it. “But I’m alright. Now, why don’t you go play with the others?”

Sayo was hesitant, understandably so. He may have been the smallest of the Samonji brothers, but he wasn’t any less keen to his siblings’ emotional states, and Souza knew this. But another thing the Samonji brothers were good with was respecting each other’s boundaries, especially those they themselves were not ready to cross.

“Okay,” was all he murmured, and he was up and walking back down the veranda, surely to find some fellow tantous.

Souza waited until he heard the footsteps of Sayo to be far out of earshot before he stood up, and just as he did the cool breeze lifted up again.

Standing from the edge he placed the arm that still grasped his collection of lavender across the curve of his torso as he took his delicate steps across the green grasses that lay before him. He found himself numb to the cold, unable to be bothered by its chill. The only hindrance came from the stray hairs that blew across his eyes, but such was the risk he was willing to take by leaving his bangs the way they were.

He found himself a good distance away from the citadel. The quiet was a sanctuary, his own little area void of sound and the presence of the others. No offence to Sayo, but Souza was glad he told Sayo to part ways with him. Maybe it was something in the air, but he knew he wouldn’t be alone much longer anyway, and his hunch was proven right when he noticed someone slowly approaching him.

He didn’t turn towards the footfalls that came behind him, but he did anything but ignore them. For how could he? The grass beneath the feet may have cushioned their falls but nothing could shield him from the stab in the heart that came alongside those steps. And the knife… The knife was the sound of his own name.

“Souza,” the familiar voice spoke to him. “We need to talk.”

He knew this would come. It was just as sure as the equinox and just as cold as the winds that billowed alongside it. And just as sure as the sun would rise, Souza stood without any shake of stance, and he stood still against the breeze that once again took the locks of his hair along with it.

Amazingly, he managed to speak without any sort of emotion at all.

“Talk?” He asked without making so much as a motion towards Heshikiri. “Talk about what?”

“You can’t pretend something hasn’t been going on.” Heshikiri said with a strangely calm demeanor. “Where have you been for the past however many weeks and why-”

He stopped momentarily, surely rethinking his approach. Souza didn’t move. He just awaited the question he’s been trying to avoid since this all began.

“Tell me,” Heshikiri started again. “What was Kasen doing with his hand on you like that?”

“I think it’s pretty obvious,” he said bluntly.

“I want to hear you say it,” he insisted. “Tell me.”

Souza waited a moment before he said anything. Heshikiri’s harsh tone threw the hammer against the anvil, sending a shockwave that made it all the much harder to respond right away. But, there was only one thing he could possibly say, so it wasn’t a lull due to indecision on how he was going to tell him. Instead, it was a relish in the final moment his condition would be kept a secret. After this, he couldn’t hide anymore.

So, he turned to the side to look at Heshikiri over his shoulder, putting his body in profile so Heshikiri could clearly see his secret just as he told him what it meant even though the look in his violet eyes told him he already knew.

“It’s exactly what it looks like. I… I am pregnant.”

The silence was just as thick as before, and Souza understood why. After all, he has been lying to Heshikiri for weeks now, keeping a secret that affected him just as much as it did him. It would have been naïve of him to think Heshikiri would respond any other way besides with anger.

“And when did you plan on telling me this?” he snipped, his frustration clear on his tongue.

“I…” Souza started, turning away again. “I don’t know…”

“How long has it been?”

“Sixteen…Maybe seventeen weeks.”

Painfully and almost with an unsuspected fright, his voice became sharper by the second. “Souza how could you-”

“I don’t owe you explanations anymore,” he sparked back, doing all he could to stop Heshikiri's tone from getting any sharper. “We aren’t together anymore.”

“That’s why you didn’t tell me?” He said while slamming his palm against his own chest. “Souza, you broke up with me ! I have been worried sick about you for the past collection of weeks and you say I don’t deserve an explanation? You most certainly owe me an explanation just for that, and especially now if…” He paused. “If I’m going to be a father-”

Souza felt himself going emotionless, just as lifeless as the thick air around them. “Nikkari is going to be the father.”

The shock in Hasebe’s throat twisted the blade deeper. “What?”

“He came to me yesterday and we decided, no matter what he is going to be the child’s father.”

“Nikkari? Nikkari! You tell him before you even tell me? I can’t believe you!”

“He has just as much a right to know as you…” Souza finally admitted. And when he realized that cooled Heshikiri’s tongue, he found his moment to explain. “That’s… That’s one of the reasons why coming to you was so difficult… The baby… It’s just as much as his as it is yours… At least for right now.”

Heshikiri went completely still. “What does that mean?”

Souza found himself without anything more to say on that. And he curled into himself as Heshikiri slunk back in shock.

“You and Nikkari had sex, didn’t you?”

Souza snapped to defend himself. “It was one time-”

“Is this why you broke up with me?” Heshikiri broke him off. “You were pregnant with another man’s baby?”

“No! No, Hasebe, I… Nikkari and I… it happened after we split up. I didn’t know about the baby then-”

“Then what the Hell is all of this?” Heshikiri raged with an uncontrolled fire. “We were doing so well and then all of a sudden a week before the New Year you decide to break everything we worked so hard for off! Then I hear you’re fainting and getting sick and then you just, disappear and you don’t tell anyone anything or whether you are alright or not and then I come back from my mission today to see Kasen with his hand on this stomach of yours and you’re telling me I don’t deserve an explanation ? You’ve hid a pregnancy for seventeen weeks and I’m just supposed to believe all of this was honest? Isn’t it all too much of a coincidence that you’ve been carrying a child for as long as we’ve been separated? And even though it may still be mine, you decide to just take my child away from me without talking to me first? With Nikkari no less!”

“Hasebe,” Souza lamented with a shake of his head. “That’s not what this is about. It’s… It’s so much more than just- ”

“What is it then?” He rallied back. “Why would you do this to me?”

Souza was thrown back, finding a moment of absolute speechlessness. Hasebe’s stark and painfully understandable anger was overwhelming, but he couldn’t falter now. There was still one thing Hasebe needed to hear.

“It’s just… It’s just we never could have had this.”

Another cold breeze blew by, giving Souza cause to wrap his arms around his shoulders. Heshikiri’s newfound quietness was making him uneasy, because within the silence he could hear the burning in Hasebe’s heart. It was the true sound of the torture Souza had been putting him through all of this time, and every word out of his mouth was only going to jab the knife in deeper.

“What… What’s that supposed to mean?” Hasebe said back with a sense of painful innocence. Souza couldn’t help but turn away again.

“A family, Hasebe. A child. Together. We were never meant for it…”

“Who says we weren’t? Souza… I loved you,” Heshikiri said with a sincere whisper. And despite his back being towards him, Souza could feel Hasebe’s body get closer to him, that in the way of comfort, but just as soon as felt a hand near his shoulder, Souza shied away, doing all he could to fight the dark and encroaching past.

“No. Please, don’t do this I-”

“But it’s true-”

“No, Hasebe. I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again. You… You…”

“I what?”

“You… You love Saniwa more than you ever loved me.”

Souza knew that would drive his point home. After all, it did the last time.

“I told you that wasn’t true,” he fought back. “I gave you all that I could-”

“And just like I told you before… It wasn’t enough.”

Souza shot his own gaze right at Hasebe’s, and he saw the hurt pooling in his former-lover’s sweet eyes. Souza knew Heshikiri didn’t mean to come off the way he did because after all, Heshikiri had every right to be mad at him. As he said, to find out his ex is pregnant for just as long they’ve been apart as well as pointing out there was -and is- another man in the picture, he had every right to assume the worst.

“Look,” Souza started, now turning back and taking a soft step towards Heshikiri. “You… Your dedication to Master is admirable on so many levels, and… I must admit, your faithfulness to me was beyond compare when we were together… but… This war… It’s…” Souza took a breath, recalling every reason why he had to break up with Hasebe all of those months ago. “It’s your everything. And… I just needed so much more than what you were giving me.”

“So you’re just going to forget everything? Every special moment we shared together?”

Souza felt his words getting caught in his throat. Every moment that passed he could tell the pain was welling up within Hasebe, reminding him of the day he told him he was breaking things off with him. To be honest, that was one of the reasons he avoided Heshikiri so; to see that agony and despair taking over his stern eyes tore him apart every time.

“You did give me so much,” Souza continued, “and I need you to know I know that and I remember that. But… So many times we had to put things on hold for whatever reason and…” Souza shook his head. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m being selfish or asking for the impossible but… I know I was missing something… I need… I need someone like Kogitsune who would get up every hour I needed something and fight to stay by my side when I needed or Shokudaikiri who stood by Kasen’s side through the darkest moments of his life-”

“But I can , Souza. Why won’t you let me-”

“Because you can’t!” He blasted. “This cause was always your first priority-”

“Not over my child-”

Souza put up a hand, not letting Heshikiri interrupt any further. “This cause is your priority and I care about you enough to understand that and even be okay with that. Our relationship only got in the way of your dedication and… I didn’t want to be a burden anymore. And if I can accept that, all I ask is you accept my needs too…”

The explanation did induce contemplation on Hasebe’s end, but nothing changed the frustration he felt.

“So, I’m just supposed to accept that you’re keeping my own child away from me because I have a responsibility to this war? Well I hope you know Nikkari has the same responsibility I do. And to have Nikkari raise my child, you don’t think that’s going to mess up the child in any way?”

“Well what else am I supposed to do?” Souza asked honestly.

“Just do what’s right-”

“And what is that?” Souza snapped.

That was it. All of the pain, sadness, anger and fear. It balled up into one entity deep within his stomach. Hasebe felt like he knew, that he knew all of the variables this situation brought. He’s held this burden for only a few hours when Souza has been living with this for months. Was his anger really geared at Heshikiri? Maybe, maybe not. Without a doubt his emotions just became too much to hold back anymore. The glass could only hold so much before it flooded the tray around it.  

“Am I just supposed to take you back and pretend like everything's okay because I’m carrying a bastard child?” He started his rant. “Do you think I know what I’m doing, Hasebe? Ever since I’ve manifested, I have been trying to figure out how to separate myself from my past and live like a real human being. I don’t want to be that sword who still feels pain in his chest over a past that settled centuries ago, but look at how well that’s going. And now all of a sudden I’m supposed to bring a new life into the world when I can barely get a grasp on my own. So, I don’t even know if what I’m doing is right or not. All I can do is what I think is best for the baby.”

“And keeping me away is what’s best?” He came back with a mirrored passion. “Even if that’s my baby, you would rather it be raised by some… fake father instead of-”

“I don’t want my baby to be a child forged from a broken relationship, Hasebe! That’s... That’s all I want right now. And so far it’s the only thing I can control… I… I’m sorry.”

Heshikiri just succumbed to complete silence, and he traded his gaze from Souza before him to the grass at his feet.

Souza started again with a calmed tone. “I don’t love Nikkari the same way that I did you. But… He’s what I need right now. You and I, we have our history and nothing can change that. But this is my present and my future now… And… I hope that maybe one day... One day we can simply accept ourselves as friends.”

The emptiness inside Heshikiri’s core was palpable as the word echoed in his throat.

“... Friends…”

Souza didn’t speak anymore. He said all he needed. He gave Heshikiri what he wanted which was an explanation and, just as he anticipated, it filled him with such an angry despair that pained Souza even more than he expected.

“Well,” Heshikiri gave up. “I hope you, Nikkari, and the baby will be happy together.”

As Hasebe started walking away, Souza reached out for him for no reason other than he didn’t want it to end like this.

“Hasebe I-”

“I’ll leave you…” he continued without heed to Souza’s words. “If that’s what you really want.”

“I never meant to hurt you, Hasebe. None of this was meant to hurt you.”

“I… I’m sure that’s true.”

Souza dropped his outstretched arm down to rest upon his curve. His gaze, too, dropped in own disappointment.

“But… You do understand where I’m coming from… Don’t you?”

Heshikiri gave a deep sigh, and Souza could tell how hard he was trying to keep whatever composure he had. And in some odd way, he appreciated it.

“I suppose you know the child better than anyone. And… You have your reasons… I may not agree but… I can’t stop you either… And… I believe we are done here.”

Souza didn’t bother to call Heshikiri back. He just watched as he walked away back towards the citadel, leaving him alone with nothing more than the spring breeze to keep him company.

It was over. Just like that. What he’s been agonizing over for weeks now was over in a handful of sharp words and snaps and now it was just as quiet as before.

How many times he shed tears in anticipation for this moment and now… Now he felt absolutely nothing. He actually felt nothing. Again he was numb. He thought he would at least feel some sort of closure but-

Actually. That wasn’t true. He did feel something. He… Finally felt something and he took in a quick gasp as he felt it. It came from the source of the entire issue. It shuffled, fluttered like a captured butterfly and Souza wrapped his belly in his arms, doing all he could to hug and comfort who was within.

He knew the child didn’t understand what was going on, but the sudden movement felt like an apology. His child's first real movements, an apology. And out of everything that happened today, he could say that pained him the most.

“ Please…” Souza whispered just loud enough for the baby to hear. “Please never feel guilty about what happened today… Never.”

He felt it move again, and he couldn’t help but give a weak smile.

“I promise you,” he whispered again. “I promise you everything is going to be alright. I don’t know how, or I don’t know when, but I’m going to do all I can because none of this… none of this has been nor ever will be your fault.”

And as if the child was listening, there was another flutter. It was soft and it filled Souza’s heart with something new. It was warm and tepid, and overwhelming at first. Soon he realized it was nothing else but an undying love for this little person within him. He realized, now that everything else was out of the way, he could give all his focus to the real victim of this situation. For the first time he wouldn’t have to worry about how Nikkari was going to react or how Heshikiri or Kasen were going to react. That was all in the past. It was now time for him to give his all to the baby, because of all things this situation brought, that little person was most important. Not his own fear, not his own mistakes, but his responsibility.

Because in the end, it will and forever be his child. Whether it turned out to be Nikkari’s or Hasebe’s, no matter what it was still his, and he was going to do everything to make sure he kept his promise. Every decision was for the baby. Even if it hurt him, he had to remember who this was for.

He once again grasped his collection of lavender and put it towards his nose. It was behind him now. Just as he said to Hasebe, it was time to focus on the future. So with one more whiff of his collection of lavender, he started his way back towards the citadel, determined to once and for all put his past behind him.

*****

There was something unnerving about empty rooms. He wasn’t sure what it was, but Nikkari never liked being in them.

Souza told him last night that his new room has actually been available to him for awhile now. It’s been ready for occupation ever since he told Master of his condition. One could say it was still empty due to procrastination on Souza’s end, but really, it would be for no other reason than anxiety. For Souza to theoretically put a room together in his own? To all of a sudden leave his full room he shared with his brothers to an empty one in which he thought  (at least at the time) would be his and his alone? That would be hard for anybody. If Nikkari were in the same place, he knew he wouldn’t be ready for anything like that.

But he wasn’t in that place. If anything he became the person that would help Souza get over said anxiety. In that case, there should be nothing wrong with getting a good head start on preparing things… Right?

They had their new room. It was theirs . But, for some reason he couldn’t find the heart to go in there on his own.

Maybe it felt odd to go in without Souza. After all, it was supposed to be their room. It was room big enough for the two of them and who would be the new baby. He knew there was nothing wrong with getting started and he knew for sure it would help, but… He only found himself sitting on the veranda outside.

Maybe empty rooms made him uncomfortable, but that wasn’t a strong enough reason to keep him from going in at all.

Could it be it was due to something else?

As Nikkari stared off across the citadel’s landscape, he scoffed to himself as all of these ideas tumbled around his head. He was lying to himself and he knew it. Everyone always told him he should be more honest with himself, and it was in these particular moments he got an idea on what they meant.

Deep down he knew why he didn’t want to go in. In a way it was the same reason why he decided not to find Souza after that dreaded run in with Hasebe: He didn’t want to get too attached.

It wasn’t until Hasebe physically returned to the picture that Nikkari realized his presence was and never will be out of the question. And to Nikkari, that meant more than a possibly bigger burden on Souza. He knew it could actually mean the opposite.

Hasebe could still be the father. Even worse, maybe deep down Souza wanted him to be the father.

That was the real reason why he didn’t want to go in. It was simply for the reason he didn’t want to get attached to an idea that wasn’t guaranteed. He could move in all of his belongings and work on setting up all of the child’s furnishings only for Heshikiri to take his place.

Nikkari knew Souza told him he would be the father, but… That was before he spoke to Heshikiri. Who’s to say that after speaking with Hasebe, Souza wouldn’t want him back? At first Nikkari thought that to be a ridiculous notion but as time passed and he had more time alone he felt it to be more probable than he was comfortable with.

But Souza broke up with him, he’d tell himself. That look of despair when he saw Heshikiri didn’t lie…

But he and Heshikiri have a history, and Souza would without a doubt be more comfortable with his long-term partner’s history than his own dark and destructive past…

Nikkari froze. The wind struck past him and he could have sworn he heard something on the wind’s whip. It was in his conscience. A laugh. A woman’s laugh beside the whimpers of a small child moments before being struck down-

He closed his eyes, forcing his palms against his ears, trying to focus on nothing else but his own breathing to drown out the crawling tortures of his past.

As they usual did, the sounds died and faded alongside the wind. Taking a few more heartbeats he reconstructed his resolve. It didn’t take long, for he became used to episodes like this when he found himself at a moment of mental imbalance. Such was the burden his spirit had to bear.

Of course this didn’t help his current lack of confidence. It only made it worse.

Nikkari knew if Souza didn’t want him he would be fine. If he wanted Hasebe instead, he would be fine. Souza needed to be comfortable. He needed to be happy. If Hasebe made him happy, then that’s who he needed. Not him. If that is what’s best for Souza, he can accept that.

However, these thoughts did not remove the emptiness welling within his chest.

In his quiet sittings on the veranda, Nikkari noticed approaching footsteps, and when he looked over his shoulder, his heart almost lept out of his chest.

Walking towards him was a sweet little bird, one blessed with two sparkling eyes and a soft smile. And the next words spoken to him filled him with such a surprising joy.

“So. I believe it’s time we start filling this room, don’t you think?”

Without a moment’s hesitation Nikkari stood to meet Souza who gave him a look void of any burden, sadness or pain. He stood tall and almost embracing of his form, which Nikkari has never seen before. There was something completely different about him even in comparison to the morning he spent with him.

Could it be… He did talk to Heshikiri? And he still bore a smile such as that?

“You still want to do this?” Was the first question that came out of Nikkari’s mouth.

Souza cocked his head to the side and gave a laugh behind his grin. “Of course. Why wouldn’t I?”

Nikkari found himself absolutely muddled. For Souza to be content in any way after that confrontation should have yielded anything but. Yet here he was, bright and unweighted, acting lighter than he was before that crossing of fated paths.

“Well, everything with Heshikiri-”

“It’s over now,” Souza cut off without a change in tone. “He asked, I told him, we went our separate ways. That’s all.”

Nikkari could tell there was something hiding behind Souza’s smile, especially when he saw his collection of lavender in his hand. But he was going to ignore it for now. After all, despite what he suspected the smile was hiding, he did sense a pure warmth coming from Souza, and he was going to make sure it stayed that way. After all, he wasn’t there to place any more burdens upon him, now was he?

“Well alright then,” Nikkari said with his own grin. “Let’s get a look at the room first before we start.” Nikkari bowed and put an arm out towards the door of their family’s new room. “Shall we?”

And to Nikkari’s joy Souza went ahead without any resistance whatsoever.

It would be awhile before Souza filled Nikkari in on what happened with Heshikiri today, but after seeing that stark change within Souza, Nikkari knew whatever happened was for the better. It may have hurt Souza deeper than he could ever understand. It may have made the gap between Souza and Heshikiri wider, but at least Souza didn’t have to hide anymore. And out of all things, Nikkari found that to be the most important first step.

Maybe he did accidentally force Souza into a sprint by having him leave his solitude so soon. But maybe that was what he needed to start moving forward.

It would be a long time before either of them saw the end result of their efforts. But right now, they both felt themselves to be in a steady place. Was it the easiest place? No. But it was a start. A start on a long, long journey to parenthood.

Chapter Text

From that moment forward, everything moved at a speeding pace without any break in between. Everyday seemed to pass by faster and his due date only loomed closer with every minute that passed. The run in with Heshikiri only stayed further in the past, the time when his swell was easily masked by large robes and fabrics. It seemed like he blinked just a little too long and all of a sudden he was in his seventh month of pregnancy, finding walking to be a hindrance and cravings to be too much to fight on his own. Before long it felt like the baby was now growing into its own little existence, poking and prodding him at the most inopportune times.

Unfortunately the passage of time did not mend the dark rift between him and Hasebe. There were times their paths crossed and the coldness between the two would make anyone around them shiver. But despite the coldness of their interactions, their cordiality remained as if nothing was amiss. Heshikiri would still ask how Souza was doing, and then he’d answer, and then they would go their separate ways again. So yes they were not on the best of terms, but luckily things never not worse, and that gave Souza the ability to focus on other and more important things, like preparing his new room with Nikkari in anticipation for the baby’s arrival.  

And it was that, in essence, what Souza blamed for everything moving so fast.

Their state of preparation was almost constant. First with moving their own belongings in, then finding place for all of the new furnishings and planning out spaces for playing and things of the likes. And without surprise, whenever he wasn’t busy with the room or visiting Yagen, he was spending time with Kasen. Be it folding laundry with him (which became one of the last tasks he was physically fitting to partake in) or being dragged into town to window shop, it felt like he started spending more time with Kasen than Nikkari.

Souza had a million answers for why he believed Kasen took it upon himself to take him “under his wing,” but he really didn’t think he needed so much. After all, Master already provided him and Nikkari with a plethora of furnishings and such, just as Kogitsunemaru and Mikazuki received when they were expecting Nichibotsune, and he already received a nice assortment of gifts from the others. But he never had the heart to deny Kasen’s schemes. He could tell it made Kasen really happy to do these things, so he went along with it every time.

Moral of the story is, when he wasn’t actually setting up the room, be was shopping for stuff to put in the room. And when it wasn’t for the room, it was for the baby. When it wasn't for the baby, it was for himself. So, in reality, everything became preparation, even in his time of leisure with Kasen. Everything became about the baby. It’s not like he minded, though. It was better to fixate on the baby instead of isolate himself and almost deny the child entirely. It also made things a little more real for him; purchasing and planning really made the fact that he was going to have to care for and raise a little child a reality as opposed to an oddly vague idea.

It didn’t help make anything move any slower, though.

Even today Souza, despite being void of any duties and having no one to fill his empty company (for Kasen, his brothers, and even Nikkari were preoccupied for the time being), found himself rummaging through his room. According to Mikazuki, the closer to the child’s arrival he got, the more fixated he was going to become. Fixated with the baby, fixated with his own emotions, and most certainly fixated on the room. “Nesting,” he called it. And it was especially strong before the child’s arrival.

Souza refused to say he was particularly fixated (particularly for the reason he hoped the baby wasn’t going to be two months premature), but he did find his hands time and time again returning to the wardrobe, finding interest in baby garments he has seen so many times before then. Today surely was no exception. With the depressingly grey skies outside and his lack of company and things to keep him busy, what else could he do but entertain himself in this way?

At this point he had gotten quite used to the new room, and used to Nikkari being the one beside him in bed every night. There were times he felt a void without having his brothers with him, but it’s not like they were too far out of arm's reach: his old room was only a turn around the corner. And they did visit a lot, and to be fair he went back a lot too. Sayo even slept over sometimes, usually when Kousetsu was gone for whatever reason. After all, the room was still fit for three.

The room was just about the size of the one he used to share with his brothers, except being divided into two by a shoji, it was one complete room. It didn’t seem anymore spacious though, for he and his brothers were never in need of a crib, or a rocking chair, or drawers that doubled as a changing table. Nikkari also was not as minimalist as the Samonji brothers were. It didn’t bother Souza in the general sense, but Nikkari did harbor some strange knick-knacks that took up some space that could be used for other important items. It was not a serious issue though. It was vastly different than what he was used to, but he was getting used to it.

As Nikkari said to him quite often, he really was “adapting with grace.”

Souza wouldn’t call back pain, mood swings and swollen ankles “grace,” but he would take what he could get.

Going to back to what was supposedly his “fixation,” today he was standing beside the crib, smoothing his hands across the flawless white paint job on its bars, staring at the mobile that drifted in slow circles when he touched it. It was a mobile of butterflies, one pink, one blue, one green one gold. That was a special gift from Juzumaru, whom Souza has gotten closer too ever since Nikkari came to be the baby’s father. On the small bedding was a fleece blanket of azure, one of the many gifts from his brothers.

He took the piece into his hands, rubbing the softness of its fabric. He could not explain why, but it provided him with so much comfort.

Then of course his attention was taken away by a certain someone trying to get comfortable in its temporary home. For someone so young, it really knew how to break a steady stream of thought.

At least Souza didn’t feel alone anymore. There were some days he would do anything to trade those hard kicks to his spine for some solitude and just one good night’s sleep, but he really didn’t mind having a constant conversation partner, one that wouldn’t talk back or tell him his business or ask him confused questions. It was someone whom he felt he could be honest with. It was someone he knew would not be burdened by a few mundane complaints. And in complete honesty, there were thoughts that came into his head that really didn't need to be shared with another full grown man. So a fetus served just fine.

And sometimes he could swear it was listening.

As a sign of affection Souza pressed his long digits against the underside of his weighted frame, gently caressing the tender flesh, but not so soft that the child wouldn't know he was attempting physical communication. And to his pleasure, it pressed back into his touches, assuring him that it knew he was there.

“You are so good to me, sometimes,” Souza whispered as a thanks to the child’s response. It was in moments like this that he felt a bit of his loneliness fade away.

Then he felt a pound against his spine, giving him instant regret for saying that out loud. If it weren’t for everything else that has gone on through his pregnancy thus far, the would swear just on the child’s ironic nature on its own that it was Nikkari’s child. For every moment he appreciated a soft gesture in return, he would always be repaid with a kick in his most sensitive areas. The baby’s favorite place to nudge was his spine, especially today.

Souza scoffed at himself. If only a perfectly timed motion in his belly told him who the child’s father was. Then his issues wouldn’t suck him dry like an emaciated tick as much as it did.

He swept his head from side to side, trying to distance himself from those thoughts. He promised himself a long time ago that he wasn’t going to linger on that anymore. He had to give everything to his baby. It would just be a waste of time and energy if he remained painfully fixated on things he could not control.

It still hit him from time to time, though, just like it did now. But like Kasen said, he should save those thoughts for his journal, the one Kasen suggested he keep to help deal with this emotional roller coaster he has been thrown on. And seeing that it has helped somewhat, he was going to do exactly that: put it in his journal. So when he was struck with the fan of fatigue, he found it to be the right time to give up on standing and make his place in his rocking chair with his pen and book.

Souza replaced the blanket back and traded the soft armrest of his belly to the deepening arch of his back, rubbing the area in which he felt most sore. He kept his journal and pen in the top drawer, just for convenience purposes. He could leave it out, but he was afraid Nikkari’s interest would override his sense of courtesy, and he really didn’t need Nikkari into those thoughts, at least not yet. If it was out of sight, it was out of mind, which was a comfort Souza really needed personally. And as Kasen pointed out, that was a part of this sort of “treatment”. Kasen explained he could take those feelings, release them from himself through words, and then just put them out of sight like they were never there in the first place, or at least gone to never bother him again.

Souza found that viewpoint to be a little too poetic for him. He didn’t think of it all like that necessarily, and at first he thought it would only make his emotions worse. To relive through everything he was feeling and somehow formulate words to express them properly? Something like that may come easy to Kasen, but to him? He developed a good portion of polite protest against the idea, but Kasen was a hard man to argue against, especially when he set a special day aside to purchase the perfect notebook.

That being said, Souza never regretted starting it. After all, the pages became filled just as fast as his pregnancy progressed. To date, he was already a handful of entries into his second book.

The books weren’t too elaborate; it was a simple rose-gold cover that was smooth to the touch, almost like satin if you closed your eyes and touched it. The binding was a deep umber and it had a matching strap that held the pages closed. And there was something refreshing about a new, ivory-colored page. Then filling it with the black ink of feelings once-deemed inexpressible, that was therapeutic too. Even if it wasn’t about emotion. Sometime is was just about the little mundane things of the day. And that’s what today’s entry became. As he took the soft binding in his hand and he settled into his little corner of the room, holding the book with his palm just above the protruding curve of his belly and his black pen in hand, he started documenting whatever thoughts he had before.

The room’s quiet grew thicker the longer the pen scratched against the paper, and as the quiet lingered, the more movements he felt. At this point it became a part of how he functioned, like a small gear within the interlocking works of his human form. Sometimes as he thought of what words to use he would flip twist the pen in such a way the point would rest above his pointer finger while the rest still remained beneath his grip, and he would just prod where the movements came, just giving a silent reply to whatever his baby was trying to say. But once the thought was clear in his head, he would take his hand back continue his ribbon of ink on ivory.

With the baby’s active nature of the day, he couldn’t help but start with a lament of his baby’s strong vendetta against his spine. Then came the thought of a baby just as ironic as Nikkari could be. It made him chuckle a bit, just the mere idea of it. Again, he reiterated to himself that such actions did not guarantee it was Nikkari’s, but, Nikkari surely would raise the child to be like him.

It felt a little selfish, just thinking the thought that Nikkari would be helping him raise his baby. But, truthfully, everyone in the citadel was going to shape his baby, weren't they? Nichibotsune, although a near perfect replication of his parents, did harbor minor attributes from the men he spent his entire life growing around. Tsurumaru made his way into Nichi with his playfulness. The Toushirous taught him how it was like to share and be a brother to many. Even Ookurikara gave Nichibotsune a sense of dedication, with training of course. What would make his child any different? Everyone in this citadel was going to play a part in the baby’s life…

A familiar set of violet eyes made their way into his mind’s eye.

Every one…

Then came the sound of the shoji opening, thrusting Souza from his steady concentration. For there to be no formal announcement, it surely was to be Nikkari. But Souza was surprised, he was sure Nikkari was going to be gone until dinner, since assigned to work in the gardens and all. Be it nearing the end of summer, there were a number of vegetables to be harvested and things of the likes. So when you were assigned to field duty this time of year, it was an all day thing, at least until supper time of course. That’s why he was even more surprised to see a stack of linen and cloth resting on his chest in precarious balance.  

“You’re back so soon,” Souza noted as he closed the notebook in his grasp, leaving the thought open ended so he could easily return to it later.

“Soon?” Nikkari snickered with a mocking grin. “If I stayed out there any longer I would be sure to freeze.”

Souza took his mocking smirk and threw it right back with his own query. “How could you be cold? It’s August.”

“It may be August, but there is no sun out to keep me warm.”

“Oh poor you,” he sighed as he set himself up to stand again. If he wasn't going to write anything further, he should put the notebook away at least and give a helping hand to Nikkari  with all of those linens in his hand. Unfortunately, the momentum from the rocking chair scarcely provided enough momentum to lift himself from his place on the first try. But after a second take he was able to stand again with a well deserved huff, and a quick imbalance that wasn’t unfamiliar to him. He was restrained to only focusing on one task at a time which went from getting up, to walking to the dresser, to putting the journal away safely, and then finally to completing the point he made to Nikkari, that which was only emphasized by his strenuous breaths: “My body always feels like it’s overheating.”

“Oh really?” He placed the linens down before he made his way to where Souza stood by the dresser. There was a quiet confusion in Souza’s air as he neared him, looked at him, stopped and dropped to his knees.

“Nikkari, what are you-”

Before he can finish the sentence, Nikkari was on his hands and knees, placing the side of his face right against the protrusion of his belly, and just as he did with all things he loved, he started rubbing his face up and down, delicate enough to allow him to relish in whatever he felt.

“Ah… So warm .”

Souza was quick to cover the blush rising to his cheeks, although a palm over his own mouth barely hid his chuckle.

“Nikkari, please.”

His passive protests did nothing to stop Nikkari from his actions. He only fell deeper into his little trance, and knowing he wasn’t leaving it anytime soon, Souza put the notebook on the top of the dresser and took his now-free hand to rub the top of his emerald head, letting him do what he wanted. He got used to Nikkari’s close and touchy personality, especially as the baby grew. It was an odd relationship, to say the least. It was like he had more of a fascination with his growing belly and the fact it contained a baby as opposed to just showing affection.

But that was Nikkari. That was just his way, and it never bothered Souza. Not in the least. His touches and caresses actually made him quite happy, especially when Nikkari was nudged back by the baby. It was only that that caused Nikkari to pull back. He threw himself on his haunches and he put both hands on the sides of Souza’s belly.

“Why, hello there,” he said with his dark hum. “You find him pretty warm too, don’t you?”

“Well of course. It doesn’t know anything else.”

Luckily, Nikkari was just able to wrap his arms around Souza’s waist, and he pressed his face against his belly again and closed his eyes. “If I were the baby, I would want to stay here forever. Warm, safe, and with you always... Then I wouldn’t be so cold.”

The moment grew quiet, and the heat that once pulsed in his face turned into a tepid warmth encompassing his chest, making his heartbeat thump beneath his skin. Everything was so quiet, all of a sudden, and Souza didn't know what to do. It wasn't embarrassment that took over his actions, and not shock either. It was just, something about what Nikkari said. Actually, with each thing Nikkari said. Nikkari was for once warm to him, in the physical sense.

It was wonderful. It filled him with such bliss, but…

It felt so selfish. Again, that feeling of selfishness. All because he agreed with Nikkari.

Wouldn't it be great if the baby could just stay safe forever?

“What’s wrong, Souza?”

Souza didn’t notice Nikkari staring right up at him.

“Wrong?” He denied. “Nothing of the sort.”

The look Nikkari gave him told him he didn't believe his lie, so he had to find an explanation for his distance.

“You’re just… back so soon.”

His head tilted with no change of expression. “Is that a problem?”

“No, no,” Souza said pulling back from Nikkari’s hold as his frustration overcame him. “I’m just surprised. That’s all. I… I assumed you were occupied for the remains of the day.”

“You were lonely?”

Nikkari’s bluntness sent him more into a whirl. “No… I-”

“If you were so lonely, I’m sure you could have found company with Mikazuki. You two have been quite familiar as of late.”

Souza was going to correct Nikkari, saying loneliness surely was not the issue. But then again, the mention of Mikazuki opened up a new path of conversation, one that would take him away from a conversation he didn’t feel like having right now. So he took it and ran (metaphorically, of course).

“There has never been a point in either of our lives in which we’ve been so alike. I believe we now have a camaraderie no one else really has in this citadel.”

Interestingly enough, Souza and Mikazuki had become closer in the relatively short span of time, mostly due to the fact that all of a sudden the two of them were placed into a lot of the same chores around the citadel. At first Souza thought Master was inadvertently trying to make them closer for no other reason than to make Souza feel comfortable with someone who has already been through what he is currently experiencing. Although that idea was all well and good and Souza actually did ask for pointers from Mikazuki from time to time, he realized the only reason he was put on the same tasks was because it was evident that Mikazuki was expecting again, in turn making laundry and such his only available tasks as well. But that only made him more open to talking to Mikazuki about everything, which is something he never would have thought a few months back.

“I’m actually quite surprised he hasn’t told me about his impending child yet,” Souza continued, still dragging the conversation away from his confusing thoughts. “It’s quite obvious he’s expecting.”

Just as Souza found himself opening the drawer to place the notebook, Nikkari’s attention was grabbed by his own goal of setting up somewhere to lie down. Since it was only the early evening, nowhere near the time to open up the futon, he grabbed a pillow from the floor, one traditionally used for kneeling, and he threw himself on the center of the floor, right on his back with arms behind his head.

“Oh?” he said as he settled into his new position, closing his eyes. “Him being gravid again is merely an assumption of yours?”

“He hasn’t mentioned a word of it to me. But he has to at least be past the first trimester.”

A huff of pondering escaped Nikkari’s nostrils. “Then why did he give us some of Nichibotsune’s old baby clothes?”

“That’s just as bizarre as him not telling me he’s pregnant.”

“He probably forgot.”

“Forgot he’s pregnant?”

“Forgot he had to actually tell people.”

Souza hiccuped a quick laugh. “I just hope he told Kogitsunemaru.”

Once the journal was safely away, Souza found the little garment Nikkari bought for the baby all of those months back. It was almost unintentional, like it just fizzed and appeared out of thin air.

“You seem pretty busy over there.”

Souza turned to see an upside-down gaze looking right at him.

“I just wanted to make sure it was folded properly,” Souza said as he folded the garment just so. The protrusion of his belly provided him with good leverage for folding small garments such as that. Once proper he put it back in its place and he started to lean over himself towards the pile Nikkari placed on the floor earlier, grabbing the blanket the rest at the top of it.

Nikkari didn’t hesitate in stopping him.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

Souza still curled over himself, clutching the blanket in his hand. “These have to be put away-”

He rolled onto his stomach, staring Souza down, now with a right-side-up gaze. “That can always be done later. And your back must be hurting from standing, no?”

“Not so much the standing as it is the baby’s vendetta with my spine.”

“All the more reason to not do that right now .” He insisted with a pat to the floor beside him. “So, come here. And bring that blanket over here while you are at it, since you have it in your hand anyway.”

Well, Souza wasn’t one to argue with that logic. And it looks like Nikkari already prepared a pillow just for him right beside his own. It was a makeshift bed, but it wasn’t like he was going to stay there long. There was some time before dinner, so a quick lie-down wouldn't hurt.

Tossing the blanket onto Nikkari’s chest, he was ready to begin the effort that was lowering himself to the ground.

As everything did these days, it took awhile for him to settle himself down on the floor. Because of obvious hinderance, he had to fold over himself and go down as gently as possible to avoid being toppled over by his own concentrated weight. Nikkari did extend a hand if needed, but Souza was able to manage on his own. And once he was seated on the ground he wasted no time in extending himself on the floor. He had to choose a side, and since this was just a momentary break, he turned onto his right hip, so he could face where Nikkari rested.

When Souza was settled, Nikkari settled back too, but not for long. For a lingered moment, Souza saw him staring at him. Then in one fluid motion he took the blanket he beckoned for earlier and insisted Souza roll back on his hip, only a little bit. It was soon clear why because as soon as he moved, Nikkari was cushioning the blanket right below where his belly would rest. And once he accomplished his task his grin extended even further as he said: “Now the baby can be comfortable too.”

With a sincere thank you, Souza was able to relax where he lay. The blanket, although a small gesture, actually helped him a great deal. These days every sort of comfort he could lay his hands on became valuable. And felt really good, being coddled by the blanket and all. And with Nikkari now on his side, they were able to look right at one another and make up for the day they spent separated.

The comfort dragged the fatigue out of his limbs, and with resting it seemed the baby could settle too. And with total relaxation, the room harbored quiet once more. All noise sucked away by Souza’s own tiredness and Nikkari’s fatigue. It was a moment that didn’t need speaking, but with empty dialogue came a substitution of thoughts. And as he looked at Nikkari again with the distraction of Mikazuki was gone, everything from before played through his mind again. Especially those, selfish, self-serving desires. It came back by the thought that Souza would love to stay like this forever: at peace, comfortable, and of course with a constant protection over his child. It has been so long since Nikkari took on the role of the baby’s father, but a part of it still nagged at Souza.

“I see you were writing before I came in.”

Just like always, Nikkari’s sudden words shot an arrow through his heavy stream of consciousness, letting his only answer be a nod in return.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes,” Souza lied. “I just was making note on the baby’s movements today.”

“So, what happened between the moment I returned to now that made you so sullen all of a sudden?”

Souza’s eyes widened at looked at the man who could somehow see right through every word he said. Not that Souza was good at lying. He did tend to wear his emotions on his sleeve. And with someone so insightful as Nikkari, it was practically impossible to hide anything from him.

“I didn’t think I was…”

“Emotions are finicky, aren’t they?” Nikkari sighed with utmost sympathy. “Maybe we should figure out what it is so you can put it in that journal of yours, and then it won’t bother you anymore.”

“Well,” Souza started, finding no reason to fight Nikkari when he was just going to nudge him until he was honest. “You said something before. Something about wanting to be like the baby.”

He hummed, prodding him to elaborate further.

But… What was he feeling?

There was a desire for the baby to be born, of course. But that came with the fact that in a few months time his baby was going to be out in the world, living among others, and that was exciting. But then it would no longer protected by the comforts of his womb. Although the citadel was a warm and welcoming place, a wonderful home for a young child, the world was still filled with a war that they don’t know how long will last. The world was still full of darkness. And there were still emotions and pains he knew he won’t be able to guard the child from.

Souza no longer denied Nikkari’s willingness to take the role of Father. But Hasebe still worried him. Ever since that day he spoke to Hasebe, he knew there was going to be ill-will against the child. And there was nothing that could ever remove that dark shadow in his mind.

And honestly, Souza wasn't sure how he was going to be able to handle that.

“Nikkari… What’s going to happen when I can’t protect it anymore?”

“Of course you are still going to protect it. That’s what being a parent is all about, isn’t it?”

“But… I just feel like… I might be bringing this child into such a world of pain-”

“This world is painful, Souza. Every parent brings their child into the same world. You can’t be accused of the world’s state. And besides. Never forget, once the child has left your body, then I can finally start my role. Once the child is born I can finally help you protect it. Same with Kousetsu, Sayo and the rest of us. Kasen, Hachisuka and Mitsutada. We’ll all help you. We will do all we can to protect it too.“

For some reason, hearing it out of Nikkari’s mouth didn’t help him shake the little darkness that seemed to hover over him. But, to be fair he was getting considerably tired, and maybe this was just a result of that. Emotions did tend to be more fickle and upsetting the more his exhaustion drained the energy necessary to deal with them.

“Souza. Let’s do something.”

Souza turned to see a playful smile dancing on Nikkari’s lips. He could tell there was an idea impishly playing around in Nikkari’s head by the way his eyes held a strange daze and his grin seemed unending. When Nikkari brought the idea out of the blue, he knew it was already thought through and planned, and all Souza had to do was go along with it.

“And what could that be?” Souza replied with a deep sigh, almost that of a mother tired of her son’s unending antics.

The grin only got warmer as the words left his mouth.

“Let’s get an ultrasound.”

“An ultrasound? For what?”

“To find out the baby’s gender,” Nikkari said as if it was obvious. “And it would also be an opportunity to see what the baby is like while it’s still a part of you. Don’t you think that would be fun?”

For a moment, Souza found himself at a loss for words, not for any other reason than he wasn’t expecting this to be what Nikkari had in mind.

“But… Where are we going to find an ultrasound? We can’t expect Aruji to buy one just for us-”

“I never said we’d have to do it here,” he clarified. “There’s this so-called specialist a mile or so from town.” There was then a proud grin upon his lips. “Master already gave us permission to leave the citadel. As long as we make no reference to our involvement with the government, we’ll pass as any other expectant couple.”

Souza had to laugh.

“I think you’re forgetting something.”

Nikkari went quiet, started at Souza with a single blink, the went through his checklist. “I found a good place, I have the funds, I got Master’s permission-”

“How do you think humanity is going to react to an expecting man?”

That did nothing to change Nikkari’s mind. “Well. Just keep your pants on and pretend you’re a mute, you’ll be fine.”

“But how will we get there,” Souza still fought. “It’s not like I can walk very far on my own.”

“Look, if you don’t want to-”

“No! I-”

“Then you do want to. Wonderful, wonderful. I’ll get an appointment next week. And then I’ll take you to lunch afterwards in town and-”

And then Nikkari could not be stopped. It was never in his character to speak more than necessary, but something about this plan got him going. The way his monotone innotations dragged on about all the things that would come out of doing this and the wonderful day that would be spent together, Souza could not help but become eager about these plans as well. But as Nikkari started to drone further, and it looked as if he was starting to fade, Souza found himself beneath the trance as well. And truthfully, he hadn’t felt a shuffle in awhile, so surely the baby was asleep too.

Dinner time was nearing, but surely a quick rest wasn't going to hurt…

It wasn't like he was given much choice as the realm of sleep took him as his guest.

*****

Three knocks was enough to awaken Nikkari from his slumber.

As he returned back to the world of reality he tried to remember when he left it. But when he saw Souza sound asleep right before him, rose bangs feathering over his closed eyes and his body snuggled into the pillow and blanket beneath him, he remembered the conversation: he ultimately convinced Souza to get the ultrasound he went through both Heshikiri and Aruji to get permission for. He then remembered watching sleep take over Souza’s eyes, and then he surely followed soon after.

Another set of knocks and a familiar voice beckoned him. Him and Souza, actually, but very few things could stir Souza from his slumber, especially these days. It’s not like he wanted him to be stirred anyway. How peaceful he looked, Nikkari would preserve that for eternity if he could. So those who called for him would only receive one half of the pair.

Despite how eager whoever was outside the shoji was to meet with him, Nikkari did things as he always did: lingered and at his own pace. He could almost feel Hizamaru’s patience draining, but that’s partially why he was so inclined to move so slow. One could never put it past Nikkari to play with his fellow Danshi when he had the chance, especially someone as easily teased as Hizamaru.

“Now, what brings you two here, interrupting my well deserved nap?” he said, leaning into the doorway.

“Nap?” Hizamaru huffed. “Dinner time is close to over and-”

“Mitsutada insisted we check that both of you didn't decide to isolate yourselves,” Higekiri took over, cutting off his brother’s thrusted phrases. “And his partner there… uh…”

“Kasen, Anija!”

“Ah… Yes, yes. Kasen. Well Kasen wanted to make sure Souza wasn’t skipping any meals.”

With that Nikkari put a hand beneath his chin, thinking about it for a moment. For them to truly have slept for so long. It was uncharacteristic for both of them. And eating was very important for Souza’s health, but seeing how deep in sleep he was now, Nikkari didn't have the heart to wake him right now.

“Would you mind asking Mitsutada to put something aside for us?” Nikkari asked. “I promise we’ll grab it later. No hiding from us, I promise.”

“Are we sure to trust the likes of someone who hangs around mischievous spirits?” Higekiri hummed with a tease in his throat.

“Well, you’re one to talk,” Nikkari struck back.

“Speaking of which,” Hizamaru cut in as serious as ever. “Tell me if I’m wrong, but, Nikkari have you sensed anything strange? ”

“Strange?”

“I have to say, I’ve been wanting to ask you the same,” Higekiri added. “I have felt an excitement within the unseen world. And if we are feeling it, surely you must be too.”

“Oh, it’s probably just the time of year,” Nikkari said with a wave of his hand, aiming to return back to his room.

“Are you sure though?” Hizamaru called after him before he returned into his chamber. “The energies are very centric around… here.”

Nikkari froze in his tracks, but only for a moment, and then once he had an answer the chill vanished.

“A depressed air can unsettle the spirits.”

And he left it at that. He thanked the two and then returned to the confines of their room, shutting the shoji behind him.

Nikkari waited behind the closed door until he heard Higekiri’s and Hizamaru’s footsteps fade. He truly didn’t expect to sleep past dinner. But it truly was a long day. For Souza to follow suit, well… That wasn’t surprising either. The fact that the baby didn’t wake him up for meal time, that was the oddity.

Souza looked to be at complete peace, though, so he was actually glad the child wasn’t providing him with any disturbance. Deep sleep was such a rarity for Souza these days, so it was nice to see him really getting a good rest.

And it was that idea in itself that prompted Nikkari’s further actions.

Nikkari walked back over to where he rest before, and he knelt down softly enough not to disturb the delicate bird that lay resting before him. He stared intently at Souza’s eyes, dictating how deep in sleep he really was. Then with a rub of his hands, he removed as much of the chill he could from beneath his skin. The as deftly as he could, Nikkari slid one of his palms between Souza’s legs, just around where his kneecaps rest upon each other. He paused for a moment and looked towards Souza’s face again, checking whether or not he was disturbed.

When he remained in the same state, Nikkari then found it the right time to start raising his arm, lifting Souza’s leg ever so slightly. As quick as he could manage, Nikkari snatched the pillow he was using as a headrest before and placed it comfortably between that space. And once it was placed properly, he put his leg down just as softly as he raised it. And once the deed was done, and he noticed Souza was none the wiser of what he did, he was finally able to breathe.

“There you go,” Nikkari whispered for no one else but himself to hear. “Hopefully you won’t wake up with a sore back now.”

With no more need to rest and not enough inspiration to put the laundry away, Nikkari was left just watching Souza as he slept.

Souza really was beautiful, especially in those moments where he was unaffected by his pain. Every time he slept, every time he was with those he loved, and every time he genuinely smiled. Nikkari hoped this day out would bring him a smile. That is all Nikkari wanted anyway. All he wanted was for Souza to smile. He was always so beautiful when he did.

Nikkari was for sure fascinated by the idea of an ultrasound as well: seeing someone’s innards without the damage of an unwarranted weapon. Seeing something that wasn't supposed to be seen, it almost felt sinful, and of course was the idea that piqued his personal interest so. But it possibly being in Souza’s best interest was more convincing than any other reason.

It was no secret that the more time Souza was left on his own with little to do, the easier it was for the pains of the past to encroach on his psyche. That’s why Kousetsu and Sayo are so important to him. They were distracting. They were a reason for happiness. Now that they weren't living together anymore, their presence was not there as much as he was accustomed to. And his condition disabled him from, say, going out in the fields with them like he was used to. The whole situation surrounding the baby of course didn’t help, for that for sure was always the little thing nagging at Souza in his times of solitude.

So Nikkari thought that, one, a day out would get his mind off things. And two, finding out the baby’s gender was just one less uncertainty he had to bear. Perhaps maybe even seeing the baby would let him allow some happiness into his heart, some real genuine happiness. Even if it was for a moment. Especially now seeing how concerned he was about the baby officially coming into the world.

And with that, he was just as glad Souza didn't have to hear what Higekiri and Hizamaru had to say. He’s tried hard enough not to let any of his own suspicions pass off to Souza, let alone any one else’s suspicions.

There were times when Nikkari got close to Souza, he felt something dark. Not dark in the sense of evil, but of what Nikkari told his two visitors: it was darkness in the sense of despair. At first Nikkari thought that strange feeling was just a reverberation of his own anxieties, or even an amplifications of Souza’s own issues. But, if Higekiri and Hizamaru were sensing something too and found it noticeable enough to make mention of it, that meant it was something more, and surely more than just Souza’s normal somber nature.

When going through these thoughts, Nikkari found himself reaching over to touch where the child lay warm and cushioned beneath Souza’s skin.

Higekiri and Hizamaru were right. The spirits really were uneasy. Actually, Nikkari characterized it more as eager. And this eagerness increased with everyday that passed, and Nikkari couldn’t shake the thought that the baby’s impending due date was no coincidence. And every time he got near the baby specifically, he really felt that darkness he couldn’t describe. And after having the brothers come by making mention on it too, it scared him, because then he knew it was no fabrication of his own mind and he couldn’t help that his involvement could be to blame.

But when Souza accepted his plans, he could swear the darkness faded for a moment, and right now as he felt for the child, the black musk was not nearly as oppressive. And he was pleased. Maybe this could make Souza happy and perhaps rid him of any uncertainties he could. Maybe the gender wasn’t the top of Souza’s problems, but at least it would be something enough to brighten his constant darkness. He just hoped one day Souza would stop being so hard on himself.

With that he took his hand back and rose from his kneel. In the back of the room he retrieved his namesake-wakizashi, and he went back to the same place, sat down and put the blade over his shoulder.

And from there he was just going to watch over Souza until he woke up for Souza really was so beautiful when he was at peace, so much more than when he wasn’t, which was still saying a lot. He was going to do anything to see him genuinely smile. Because for a long time now, he knew he loved Souza. And being well aware of the fact he may never hear those words back from him, for some reason it only made him wish for his smile even more.

After all, if the baby was to learn to smile from anybody, he would want it to be Souza. 

How beautiful a child would be if it had Souza's smile.

Chapter Text

Being a Touken Danshi, it is hard enough to get accustomed to human life. Sure, memories of former masters and how they act around others serve as a good lead on how to function like a decent person in public. The citadel did serve good practice as well, but going out into the outside-more-modern world was a different beast to tackle. Not only were customs much different these days, word got around much faster making the possibility of being a free-for-all freak show all the more of a problem.

A relaxing day out could just as easily be a day straight from Hell if Nikkari and Souza didn’t watch their step.

Despite how much Souza and Nikkari prepared themselves to be stared at, gawked at, and given confused gazes with whispers strewn behind their backs, Nikkari noticed that Souza looked unfazed in regards to the day ahead. He was ready for anything the day may throw at them. It was he who suggested a change from their usual wardrobe so they could blend better into society. Souza exchanged his usual magenta robe for a white, loose fitting dress shirt, one that suggested femininity as opposed to masculinity. He also wore leggings à la Izuminokami and these beige shoes that only reached his ankle that of course had a small heel at their bottom. As a final touch, Souza wrapped a scarf around his neck and called himself ready for the outside world.

Leave it to Souza to keep beautiful and elegant in this situation.

Nikkari didn’t have to change as much as Souza did, but he did find himself with a new suit jacket that looked exceptionally well with the modern black-shirt Tsurumaru gifted to him awhile back.

All in all, despite going out into a public he was unfamiliar with in an outfit even more unfamiliar, Souza being so comfortable in a situation otherwise uncomfortable, Nikkari was incredibly proud of him. This was especially true as the two of them entered that disturbingly calm and neutrally painted waiting room. They were the only two men in this entire office, and they really hoped they didn’t look as such.

Luckily the office was small, meaning there were less people to look at them (surely purposeful on Nikkari’s end). The less people that saw them the less likely they were to be found out. They still got some strange glances, but it was probably more due to their naturally-extravagant color-schemes that caught the spectators’ eyes.

Even so, Souza was so good under the pressure. He never batted an eye back, and as they sat in that noiseless waiting room he filled in the paperwork Nikkari grabbed from the front desk with calm ease, then found himself something to read until his name was called. Nikkari, on the other hand, found himself strangely entranced by the colorful fish tank in the corner of the room. No joke, he probably stared at that thing the whole time they waited. He looked at their bright colors and the way they were so easy to observe. He wondered if they felt gawked at and out of place too.

It took awhile, but after minutes upon minutes of waiting patiently, a new face opened the waiting room door and called Souza’s name. Both felt a huge release of anxiety as they were led out of that glass bowl into the more private, eggshell corridor broken up every so often by oak-wood doors.  

Souza remained cool, calm and oh-so collected as they were led through. He walked with a royal stride; he kept his back straight with proud and long steps with his arms placed nonchalantly on this appointment’s purpose. It was amazing how he could stand and act like there wasn’t an additional four pounds protruding from his core. His silent poise also added to the display for it suggested confidence, not secret. He certainly wasn't rude when the nice lady ushered them into the room for beside Nikkari’s vocal thanks he nodded as his own form of appreciation.

Once the door was closed he finally released his held breath, deflating his stiff posture to tired shoulders. Suddenly the heavy belly came back, dragging his thin frame down as it usually did. He followed the lady’s instructions from before and placed himself down onto what was going to act as the observation table and Nikkari, who trailed behind Souza this whole time, found his seat in one of those black plastic chairs placed to the side of the room, meant for all visitors other than the patient.

It was considerably snug in there, most likely due to all of the furnishings within. It was much like their room back at the citadel: it was big enough to fit them, but the chair Souza rest upon beside what surely was the ultrasound machine (which was amazingly slim for all it was apparently able to do) took up a considerable amount of space. Throw in the chair Nikkari sat upon and the countertops and cabinets and the three separate waste receptacles for goodness knows what , that didn't leave much wiggle room.

It was not like they needed much room anyway. As long as Souza could lie down comfortably and the doctor could sit in his or her chair, there was no need for much room, was there? It didn’t stop Nikkari from doing his best to add more space to the room though. He curled into himself after he crawled up onto the chair. He hugged his knees to his chest, keeping his feet flat on the chair. Yes it gave him a chance to get himself comfortable in the small space, but it also gave him a perch for him to observe Souza’s changed, more “relaxed” state.

It turned out when Souza settled himself down on the chair, that cool demeanor turned out not to be so. The air he gave off made it seem like he was preparing to be thrown on a table to be split open, and the way he sat up straight and held his arms around his belly and his far off stare towards the door only proved this suspicion. He must have felt like he was the star course of a traditional American-holiday meal. He was just waiting to be forced to lay down so they could carve him open.

“This is just an ultrasound, Souza. Not a c-section,” Nikkari commented from his little corner.

Souza turned to Nikkari with a confused look on his face. “What?”

Okay… Maybe that’s not what was going through his mind… Exactly.

“You look distressed.”

Souza took his gaze back, staring back at the door that lay directly before him. “You have to admit, this is a very delicate situation.”

Nikkari released himself from his tight wrap and placed his feet down on the floor, physically opening himself up to Souza.

“Souza. You are here for an ultrasound to see the baby growing inside of you. No matter what they are going to look at you as a woman, just as long as they don’t see what’s below your waistline.”

When Souza didn’t even crack a smile at Nikkari’s crude comment, he knew his mind really was somewhere else. So he forgot the playfulness and tried to get an honest answer out of Souza.

“You aren’t looking forward to this.”

“It’s not that,” he corrected as he smoothed his hand across down his blouse-covered belly. “I just... Don’t like being on display.”

“We could have just cancelled.”

“No, no. It’s just nerves, Nikkari. I wouldn’t cancel for that, especially considering how much trouble we went through to get here.”

“Nerves?” he echoed with a false-mock. “You just have to sit there and watch a screen. What is there to be nervous about?”

Souza’s eyes followed the question to where his hand lay and defended himself. “It’s not like it’s just me. The baby is just as nervous as I. It won’t stop moving.”

“It’s probably just as nervous about making its first impression.” He smiled. “You two really are one in the same.”

His sights were still distant. “I just hope I’m ready.”

At Souza’s sudden drop in charisma, Nikkari opened his mouth to speak some words of assurance, but unfortunately his words were not fast enough. His stream of thought was cut off by the sound of the door before them opening, and the new thoughts of Souza being so nervous etched its way into him in one hot flash, right through his chest. It wasn’t real until their caretaker stepped into the room.

They really were walking a fine line. All of a sudden he was now questioning why Saniwa agreed to let them do this.

But when the stranger walked into the room, somehow she didn’t feel like a stranger. She was a petite, soft looking brunette, something close to Horikawa’s size. Her personality mirrored his in a way, actually. Just that caring, soft-hearted type. Her hair was longer than his, almost reaching her shoulders, and her eyes were almost black, but she had a smile that seemed like it would never fade. Of course he liked her for that that reason alone. And it turned out her voice was just as pure as her smile was.

“You must be Souza.”

She came sauntering into the room, clipboard in hand and with a coat over her shoulders that almost seemed to long for her stature. She actually brought a warm presence to the room. If Nikkari were to describe it as anything, it would be something close to a daffodil’s yellow. And there was so much of it coming off of this woman he hoped some of it would rub off on Souza.

Commonalities came and went as proper called for; introductions were made and procedures were explained. Souza did keep to his promise of remaining as quiet as possible, answering what he could with polite head nods and throwing the more vocal-requiring replies to Nikkari while allowing his natural air of femininity to take control of the doctor’s perception. The questions didn’t go further than the common ones: how far along the pregnancy was, what kind of procedures he has been through before. When they said this would be their first ultrasound, her shock was anything but hidden. It was hard to convince her that the physician that watched over them back home was just as good as any other professional they could go to, but when the questions started getting too deep, Nikkari utilized his skill in the art of diversion with relevant questions and he was able to lead her into beginning the purpose of the appointment instead of trying to learn of their origins.

When she said she was ready to get this started, Nikkari felt the tension from Souza rise like a thermometer in boiling water. The mercury was speeding up so fast he was waiting for the glass to shatter and spill red everywhere.

From there Nikkari found it appropriate to get up from his distant seating to stand right at Souza’s side. As he approached him, Souza turned and gave him this wide-eyed stare of uncertainty. Then just as he always did, Nikkari put a hand on his shoulder and gave him just enough confidence to move forward.

“Come on,” he said. “It’s time to see the baby.”

With a look-away of a feeble confidence, Souza listened to the directions given by their ultrasound technician. She stood beside the other side of the table which Souza sat upon, edging closer to the machine telling Souza to shuffle back, lie down and get comfortable on the table. As he did so (with some assistance on Nikkari’s end), she placed herself in the chair beside Souza and did what they assumed was readying the machine. Once ready, she asked Souza to life his shirt just below his chest, and from there they could get started.

Souza’s nerves were still thick in the air around them as he revealed the silken white curve he was more used to concealing than revealing. Nikkari could tell he felt like he was going to be gawked upon like a fat bird. Add on the fact the baby was noticeably uneasy, a light flush took over his face. Even though he knew she has seen things like this before, it was still a little unnerving. After all, the only other person who has observed him in a such a way was Yagen. And at least he knew Yagen.

Feeling like a freak was easier when it was with someone you know.

The daffodil turned around and looked at the heavy curve that shifted accordingly to the child’s respective movements, and her smile got even brighter, if it were at all possible.

“We have an active one today, don’t we?”

It became more and more evident as time passed that she started to catch onto Souza’s silence, but she bore the doctor’s facade which they’ve seen Yagen play with a few times before pretending like it wasn’t an issue.

Then, it was time. She placed a towel over Souza’s waist and took the cool gel and squirted it in what felt like haphazard circles on his lower belly. It visibly surprised him, and she continued talking him through things, saying how cold it was and women usually were surprised the first time they feel it. It cracked a hum out of him, and then she found it time to compliment him on how beautiful his hair looked and how amazingly natural it looked.

Now that got a laugh out of him.

When she took the oval probe to  place it down on his skin, Nikkari saw Souza raise his hand as if to stop her from moving so fast. He would have stopped her too. But in a split second he didn't have any breaths left. Once the probe touched his skin, an image suddenly showed on the screen and then there were no more words.

It just… Happened. It happened so suddenly. In one moment something that was never seen before was clear in plain sight. Instead of reaching for her to stop, Souza’s hand found a new home over his lips. And in a moment, despite his loss of breath he dropped the seal on his tongue.

“Is that it?”

The doctor’s grin warmed to finally hear the “mother’s” voice. On the screen was an image of black and white, nothing more, nothing less. Except, the variants of greys and shadows illustrated a picture, and this picture was clear as day. Souza and Nikkari alike watched it shuffle for a moment before settling down again, and Souza had to resist the urge to touch back.

It was a face. A small, round face with eyes shut tight. The nose was as small as a button and what was a tiny fist rest over where the lips would be, and Nikkari couldn’t help but muse at how it  was sucking its thumb. And with that their doctor laughed in her own delight, enjoying this as much as if it were her own baby.

They watched the screen freeze for a moment as a character saying “face” was typed across the darkest part of the display. And then returning to real time, she moved the probe around, and soon she found the profile. And there it was, all curled and comfortable. Milky white on a backdrop of black, filled with shades of grey as it held its hands in two fists and fluttered its legs.

She started going over the common procedures, checking the size, making measurements and analyzing whatever anatomy she could see, and she explained that the small pulse in the center of the chest was its heart and that, like everything else she said she could see, was working fine.

She said it was absolutely healthy and they couldn’t be more relieved.

After that, she was quiet for a moment, surely expecting one of the two visitors to say something, but that never happened. Instead their words were nowhere to be found. Souza craned his neck to stare and Nikkari practically leaned over the table to get a better look. Both were in just as much awe as the other because this was something they have never seen before. This feeling was so foreign, just as much as the experience was. All they could do was stare and take in all the screen could offer.

“You want to know the gender, yes?” That was her way of bringing them back from their cloud of bafflement.

Only Nikkari could drag himself away to at least acknowledge the question. It seemed it was on his shoulders to answer it, for Souza seemed to be in no state to drag himself away from the lock his eyes had on that screen. But he still had to make sure Souza was okay with this.

With a hand placed on Souza’s shoulder he said, “That’s what we are here for, isn’t it?”

Nikkari observed how hard it was for Souza to drag himself away to look back at him, and he saw a look that mirrored the shocked gaze he saw months ago on the veranda when he saw something, or someone, he didn’t expect to see. Except this time, that look which was mixed with fear was now mixed with something more welcoming, something less plagued with regret.

And unlike that time months ago, Souza looked back at him and nodded instead of brushing his shoulder and running away.

With the final go-ahead, the image on the screen started shifting as the professional began her investigation.

Her words were hooks, suspending their webbed anticipation. She described how she was trying to find it and how difficult the baby was making it with all its shuffling and all. It took some time, but when she almost jittered out of her seat, squeaking with excitement, they knew she had it. It was so funny how a stranger’s excitement manifested itself much more than those actually expecting the child.

Nikkari did feel his heart pick up speed, though. It was a big moment, even for him. This appointment was for Souza, but Nikkari didn’t deny the fact the baby’s gender piqued his own insatiable curiosity. Even if he weren’t involved with this baby, his interest would still provide him with a sort of excitement. If Mikazuki and Kogitsunemaru got an ultrasound before the birth of Nichibotsune, he would ask to see the images as soon as they returned. Gender was an interesting concept, and of all things was something you could always discern when observing spirits. Interestingly enough though, it was something that wasn’t always clear in the living world. After all, somehow this woman here who has been around women her whole life could not see past the thin mask Souza wore. But whenever a spirit came into his space, there was a masculinity or a femininity he could discern without a second thought.

It was just as it was in Souza’s case; air given off didn’t exactly define something like that. Honestly, Souza was breaking a lot of expectations. Here he was, an uncommitted man posing as a woman so he could get an ultrasound to learn the gender of his unborn child.

Nikkari wondered what that was all about, this difference between the material world and he spiritual, why he could discern those no longer alive but couldn’t even guess at one whose life just started. It was that mystery that brought Nikkari this thirst to know.

They shared an eagerness that sparked into complete stillness because they watched as the doctor’s peach lips parted and her soft cheeks rouged in joy. She pointed to the screen, and guided her fingers across the lightened shapes on the screen, explaining those were the child’s legs, from a lower view, of course. She laughed as they watched it kick on the screen just as Souza lost a breath to the same movement. Then she went back, and started finding the right position again. So there was one leg, and there was the other, and there was the sentence the two were waiting for...

“You are going to have a son.”

Both of their hearts skipped a beat.

Nikkari felt like his heart skipped and then stopped. At first guess he would attribute it to the sudden feeling that the baby was no longer an “it” but now something with an identity, something to define it more than just as a part of Souza. He was going to be caretaker to a baby boy, one who will grow into a young man, and then a full-fledged adult who could become a warrior just like they were. But what surprised him more was what came flooding from Souza’s eyes. It wasn’t just tears, no…

He smiled. He really smiled. Souza’s lips trembled but were strong enough to bear an open smile from ear to ear. And as he smiled like that, his glinting sapphire and emerald hid beneath squinted eyes, beneath his rosy eyelashes. His face was touched with a blissful pink, and his brittle words expressed what Nikkari could not:

“A son,” he whimpered. “A son, of course!”

“Of course?” the doctor asked.

“Boys run in the family,” Nikkari said, sharp-witted as ever.

She turned her head to the side, wondering what that meant.

“I have two brothers,” Souza sniffled.

“You could say we are surrounded by men,” Nikkari added, making Souza laugh beneath his smile.

A laugh and a smile. Souza’s state of pure bliss was something Nikkari truly had to savor. It was the smile he has waited to see throughout this entire ordeal. He knew this was going to be a small moment, a moment unable to be replicated. He knew the insecurities were going to come back. But luckily for one moment they were gone, completely gone. He could see the love overwhelming in Souza’s eyes. It was something new, a love that didn’t even compare to the one he held for his brothers. It overwhelmed him so, and with such glittering eyes he took a good look at Nikkari, and Nikkari felt his heart start up again.

That love… For a moment Nikkari felt the heat rising in his chest for behind the rivers of tears Souza connected with him, trying to share the elation in his heart with the one standing beside him. And Nikkari could say it worked.

Souza took his soft rose-petal palm and placed it on Nikkari’s cheek, forcing the shiver that forever lived in his bones to vanish, and he pulled him close. He was so close Souza’s tepid heat caressed his lonely spirit and for once he felt engaged with him in this moment. He was invited by him instead of Nikkari forcibly putting himself in.

It took a lot to make someone like Nikkari blush, but in that moment the blood could not be stopped from reddening face. He and Souza were cheek to cheek and for once he found himself overwhelmed with his own feeling of pure affection, that of which he yearned from Souza for so long.

Nikkari didn’t know how deprived he was of his own pure happiness until-

“And the baby is already so handsome, just like the two of you!”

And that was it.

Ice. Frigid, cold air blasted between them. Souza froze still. The warmth of his face still hovered over Nikkari’s cheek, but the cold air grew, and Nikkari new that his constant darkness was slowly coming back.

His hand was back at his side, and Nikkari lost the precious gaze. He was so close. He was so close yet the darkness had to come back and take Souza away again.

Nikkari had to shrug it off and use the same excuse he used every time. This was out of their hands. If it still bothered Souza, it still bothered him. That’s the way it was. Nikkari couldn’t exactly unsee the still-ever-present possibility that that was not his child he was looking at either.

He had to shake himself from these thoughts. To do so he diverted the situation (just as he always did when the air grew heavy) into something he knew would get Souza happy again.

“Well,” Nikkari said as he started pulling back from his lean over the table making Souza’s retraction less blatant. “Doctor, wouldn't you say a handsome face such as that deserves an all inclusive lunch at the finest restaurant in town?”

“I would most certainly say so,” she said. Then as if on queue, the baby moved just after she said that. “Well it looks like he agrees.”

With that, a powdered smile crept back onto Souza’s face.

Not much more surprising came after that for the doctor only took a few more looks at the child before saying she was going to go print the photos for them to take home. It was sad to see the screen shut off so quickly, but honestly, the two of them could agree that that was enough excitement for one day. After all, Souza’s eyes still bore the red and puffy aftermaths of his overwhelming emotion, so much so it looked like he wouldn’t be able to handle anymore.

When she left Souza sat himself up again at the edge of his seat. Before lowering his shirt back, he took the towel that was over his lap and proceeded to use it to wipe the remnants of the jelly off of his skin. A few sniffles still came from his nose, but as time passed the sadness faded just enough to welcome back conversation.

“You know I’m proud of you, Souza.”

He chuckled. “I didn’t do anything.”

“No,” Nikkari argued. “You’ve really changed these past few months. For someone who wouldn’t leave his room or let even his closest friends in to see how he was doing to someone who came here to let a stranger get so close to you and look for a baby you’ve tried to hide for so long… I find that remarkable. And look at you. You made yourself a son.”

“Is it odd that even though I saw it with my own eyes, I still can’t believe it?”

“I don’t think it’s odd. But then again, who am I to judge what is odd and what isn’t?”

Nikkari continued to watch as Souza finished drying himself off, and then replace the shirt back to its proper position. As Souza readjusted the weightless scarf around his neck, he still kept his eyes to the child’s temporary home, and Nikkari could see he wasn’t lying about his disbelief.

“Are you, happy, Souza?”

“I am. I… I really am. I got to see my baby, and I have you to thank for that.”

“Oh I just made an appointment. You grew the child. Now, if you ask me, I think you deserve some monburan for your efforts today.”

Despite the heaviness of his eyelids, Souza’s eyes widened. “Don’t you tease me, Nikkari.”

An honest chuckle snuck out of Nikkari’s throat, and along side it came a pleased smile from Souza’s eager gaze. It was amazing how something like that could make him light up so. Never had he even seen Souza eat monburan before the pregnancy. Then for some strange reason once the child came along it became the one thing he ever wanted, it was much like Mikazuki was with fried tofu.

Cravings really were an enigma.

“I can’t promise it will be as good as Mitsu’s,” Nikkari shrugged, “but I made sure it was at a good place, so disappointment will hopefully be out of reach.”

That didn’t seem to matter to Souza. He seemed content enough with the day that surely another stop wasn’t entirely necessary. But Nikkari was going to keep going for as long as he could. Today was going to be a full day of light. They were going to get the best monburan they could find, and if one place failed, they will go to another until Souza was truly satisfied. If Souza wanted to buy some new things for the baby, so be it. And once they made their return to the citadel, he was going to make sure Souza could show his brothers the photos from today because that seemed something he was particularly excited about. He saw Souza at his brightest today, and he was going to keep it that way. He wanted him to remember this day as a good day. He wanted Souza to be able to tell his son how beautiful the day was when he first saw his face. He wanted him to be able to tell him how happy he was that he was told he going to have a son. He wanted him to be able to regard the moment “the baby” became his little boy and regard it in so much tenderness it will be a day he will relive everyday hereafter.

Maybe that was a lot to ask for, but Nikkari couldn’t help but aspire to give Souza the best. He couldn’t change the inevitable, but maybe he could make it easier to live with. That’s what every step was heading towards, wasn’t it? Time was dwindling, but whatever the truth was he hoped everyday was a step closer to a better acceptance to what may happen.

Whoever’s son that is in there, Nikkari hoped Souza would still love the little boy all the same. And after today, he knew that was possible. And with that, and as he has always known, Nikkari knew he could love him too.

After all, he already did. Who couldn’t love a face as small and sweet as that?

Chapter Text

Today was the day. Every fiber in his body told him that after today, it was all going to be over, and it wasn’t just the contractions that told him so.

Forget he was at 38, 39 weeks. He just knew his body could not handle pregnancy any longer. Some days he felt like he would either stop breathing or just snap in half. Some days Hachisuka would be bold enough to say he looked like he was going to snap in half. He would have every right to be offended by such a blunt comment, but there has never been a time he has agreed with him more. He felt like he was just ridiculously large now. So large that he was finally at the point where he couldn’t do anything anymore.

Thanks to Kasen’s advice, he at least had a way to keep busy when his walk started transforming into a heavy and cumbersome waddle. Reading truly became the last thing he had to entertain himself, and all of that reading allowed him to anticipate the signs of the end. He was also lucky enough to have the heads up from Mikazuki for what sorts of things he was going to have to face when the time came.

Then the baby “dropped” four days ago. From there he was ready for the moment to be any one thereafter. He did not panic, because for those four days he had never felt better: he could breathe again and he got this amazing burst of energy, in turn making their room the neatest it has ever been since they moved in.

And that only confirmed his suspicions: he was getting that “fixation” Mikazuki mentioned so long ago.

His final sign came when night fell the previous evening. He was surprised at how his energy suddenly crashed. It was fair to assume it was just the end of the day and his exhaustion finally caught up with him. However, it lingered into this morning. Just as it was so outlandish to feel so energetic those few days, it was just as odd for it to suddenly morph into something else. He wasn’t sure what it was at first, then he started getting those infamously strong pulls in his back.

That was when he knew the baby was ready to make his way out today. After all, according to Mikazuki, that was the ultimate sign he was going into labor.

It did not scare him though. He was ready. He was prepared. None of this was a surprise… All except for how much it actually hurt.

He knew there were going to be some intense cramps. Everyone did. It was the one thing that could be guaranteed when one was going to deliver a baby. He just didn’t anticipate that it was going to feel like his body was ripping itself from the inside out. It would tear and pull for what felt like minutes on end, and then level off, giving him a moment of blessed reprieve… Until another one would come and top the last one by intensity. And all he could do was sit it out. He decided that the rocking chair was to be his safe haven, the one he was going to rest in and curl into for as long as this was going to last…

However long that was going to take.

Souza took the time to listen to Mikazuki’s words carefully. He took note of every step he described (while of course filling in some of the blanks Mikazuki tended to leave out… Or mix up… Or forget…). If he were to go by his experience with Nichibotsune, he was not even close to being done. Apparently Nichibotsune took six hours to finally make his way into the world, and that was after his water broke. So he had time, that was good… But that meant he was far from done and it made matters worse and all the more unbearable; it was only going to get worse than where he was now.

Sleeping through it was an idea. Once the most recent contraction subsided, he closed his eyes, and rested his head on the cushion behind him and hoped for sleep to take his mind away.

But of course the baby wanted his bearer to be awake for his entire arrival. He forced his hand or foot or something on his father’s lower belly, making sure he could not fall asleep and miss a moment.

Souza felt so teased, and understandably annoyed. So that was off the table. All that was left was just sitting there alone in his solitude.

That being said, Nikkari was not with him.

Nikkari, just like Souza, was anticipating “The Day” to come soon, and he told Souza to not be afraid to tell him if he had any sort of inkling that he needed help. Regardless how honest the offer was, he let Nikkari go out to do his chores for the day, possibly without making any mention to him about the contractions. It may not have been the safest idea, but he didn’t want anyone near him. After all, “Emotional support” was just a fake idea to try and make the outsiders feel like they could help with the natural phenomenon. But no one could help. He could be guided, but all in all it was just him, his body, and his baby. That’s all this was supposed to be.

Also having someone watch him writhe and cry for minutes- no, hours on end was embarrassing enough to desire even the littlest level of isolation. Even when Kousetsu visited him this morning after Nikkari left, he wanted to just throw him out the door and tell him to leave him alone.

Of course that’s not how it went down. Every moment he spent with Kousetsu was special and though Nikkari took over his role as caretaker, Kousetsu still did all he could for Souza. There was just something special about the bond he shared with his brother and never did a moment pass where he took it for granted. A part of it did come from Kousetsu’s special tenderness in regards to the fact that he was going to be an Uncle. He took that role more than Sayo did (they were both convinced he was still trying to figure out how he felt about all of this), probably because Kousetsu was a caretaker by nature. And, he was there from the beginning, and Souza never forgot that. So the time he spent alone with his brother seemed to just be a resolution of that one, dark day. Arguably the darkest day of his whole life. So how could he refuse a visitation from him?

Thanks to this, Kousetsu not only held the title of “first person he told he was pregnant”, he was now of course “the first to know he was in labor.”

They did nothing more than fulfill one another’s company. That is until Kousetsu noticed how their time together just became moments of Souza just sinking into his own pain, a pain no one could help him with, and phrases unable to be completed because each contraction chopped off any ability to speak. He soon realized how awkward it must have been for Souza as well. Both Kousetsu and Souza agreed: unless he could shove his hands up there and rip the baby out of him, there was nothing he could do.

So, long story short, Kousetsu eventually left him be.

Souza knew he wouldn’t go far, but goodness it was better to be alone. This way he didn't feel bad about entering his own head.

Finally with his desired isolation he took a moment to listen to himself, still in his rocking chair, embracing the source of today’s misery. With the recent contraction passing he could finally have a momentary, straight thought. And that thought was that now Kousetsu gone, he felt comfortable to return to the futon he left open on the floor.

He was able to drag the rocking chair right against the futon’s edge, and as he fumbled to his knees he could lean over to the chair’s flat seat. He laid his arms on top of it and buried his head into the crooks of his elbows. It felt a bit better to allow gravity to force down the unbearable weight of his core. It gave him the illusion that changing position might just ease the twisting stabs as well as move this along a little faster.

Then of course, as he found himself starting to get as close to comfortable as he could in this situation, someone decided to thrash against his spine… Again.

“You aren’t going to make this easy, are you?” He groused in his makeshift headrest, forcing his own hot breath to rush into his grimace.

The lack of response was enough for him to believe it was yet another mock from his stubborn child.

He put that behind him though and returned to his blurring mindscape, prompting a new thought to come to mind. One of the reasons Kousetsu made effort to visit him this morning came from the fact he never made it to breakfast. He honestly was not hungry this morning. With his innards trying to pry themselves apart the last thing he wanted was to do was throw food into his body. But now he all of a sudden he found himself deathly hungry. He should have asked Kousetsu to grab him food before he left. Of course now since he was alone he would anything for a bite of food.

Damn cravings.

There was always the option of getting it himself, but the last thing Souza needed was to walk into the mess hall for a quick snack, have his water break in front of everyone, and then single handedly send the entire citadel into unnecessary panic. Yes, everyone said they would do anything for him if he needed it, but it was still a citadel full of men, many of whom had never experienced anything remotely close to the idea of childbirth.

Well, he was a man as well but he took his nine months to get used to the idea that he was to birth a child. The rest of them? Not so much. If he were to go into hard labor before all of them… It would be Hell. Simple as that.

Truth be told the less amount of people to get involved, the better. But… That didn’t change how hungry he was. It seems hunger outweighed reclusion though, leaving it up to him to take care of this and ultimately take that risk.

He decided it would be better to go right after the next contraction. It didn't take long for the throb to re-arise, causing him to intake as much air as he could. He buried his head as deep as he could into his arms, allowing the movement of the chair to rock his body along the waves of his pain. He tried to time it this time, but the stab blurred his mind, and he just gave up and instead just tried to focus on living with the agony. All he had was the sound of his own breathing to keep him sane, and he found sanity to be more important than the count of one contraction that prefaced dozens more.

Once the pain started to fizzle out, he forced himself from the chairs hold, leaving him kneeling on the futon. He caressed the lowest part of his belly as he took in a recovering sigh, preparing himself to walk and leave the confines of his room.

He managed to fumble to his feet and with a show of pure exhaustion as he walked into the chilling Autumn air. Phantoms of his torture still lurked within his muscles, but he couldn’t just sit around while starving. And walking around should help anyway, it was just a matter of dragging as little attention to himself as possible. It was not ideal, but it was the best solution he had.

As he turned around the nearby corner, he couldn’t help but give a sincere sigh. He knew Kousetsu wouldn’t go far. Just as anticipated he was still in earshot of Souza, except now he found some of his own company.

The first member of the group to notice Souza’s arrival was an excited little fox who was accompanying his parents for the day as they spoke with Kousetsu. Mikazuki, Kogitsunemaru, and Kousetsu were only keen to his arrival when Nichibotsune decided to yell “Sou-Sou!” with his excited little tongue and dashed away from his daddy’s side to meet up with one of his many beloved uncles.

Before his brother could ask why he was out, Nichi grabbed his attention by flapping his arms at his side all excited-like. Poor Ari was flailed around like the doll he was, but in a moment he found his way again to Nichi’s breast, held tight by his small arms. He bombarded Souza with a steam of childish questions and statements, just as he always did. Unfortunately though, Souza was in no mood for it.

Souza had to do all he could to make sure his irritation remained as hidden as possible. He loved Nichi, he really did, but he certainly was in no mood to entertain. With every word and smile that came out of the boy’s mouth, there went another tick of the clock. All he wanted was to sneak into the kitchens to grab something and get back to his comfortable solitude so he could rightfully wallow in his agony.  

Well, this wouldn't be the first time things didn't go as planned, would it?

“Why are you here?” Kousetsu was finally able to ask, his concern no less than what he had this morning.

“I… was hungry.”

“We could get you something,” Kogitsunemaru offered as he eyed him head to toe, noticing he was less than alright. “We were heading there anyway because someone got hungry again.”

Mikazuki refused to answer that, even if Kogi was being playful. At this point everyone knew it was the six-month old he was currently housing that was unsatisfied with this day’s breakfast portion size. But he did concur with his lover, saying they would be more than happy to bring something back for him.

Souza politely refused, saying that he would prefer to take a walk anyway. With that he sensed a minor change in Mikazuki, for there he abandoned the subject and aimed to start their group expedition to the kitchens. He turned so quick it seemed as if he was trying to leave Souza behind.

He didn’t mind. Actually he preferred it. He just wished Nichi would leave him alone as well.

Well, perhaps he could be a decent distraction. As he walked to ease the twisting nerves his active little walking partner could distract himself from whatever remained in his head. He nodded off Kousetsu’s quick look back of concern and they went on their way. Kogitsunemaru held Kousetsu in some sort of conversation, keeping them a number of paces ahead of where Souza shuffled with Nichibotsune at his side. He did his best to keep up his side of the conversation with the little boy, but it wasn’t easy. Luckily, Nichibotsune didn’t seem to notice his frazzled, half-thought responses.

Then he felt bad because Nichibotsune so wanted to catch up with his parents, but he had to slow down. He could sense a contraction coming and he needed to brace himself. But Nichi in all childlike innocence would not take it. It became a game to him. As Souza slowed the eagerness in his eyes glowed, making this more and more of a game as time pressed on.

“Sou-sou, you’re so slow!” he said through a giggle. “We’re going to fall behind!”

“Nichi please-”

“C’mon c’mon! Let’s get some tof-”

Souza snapped a shocking gasp, shutting off Nichi’s excited words. The excited glow was replaced at first by bafflement, then with concern.

“Sou-sou?”

Souza could not respond. It was hurting, again. The muscles were tugging on his nerves and all he could do was shut his eyes as he forced his palm against the underside of his belly.  He felt bad for what he was doing to Nichibotsune, but his feelings now overruled that.

“Is it the baby?” little Nichibotsune squeaked.

He couldn’t respond with anything more than a quick nod and a rasped “yes.” And with that his apprehension started bubbling for he saw the entourage before him stop in their slow tracks.

Meanwhile, Nichibotsune in his innocence did what he thought would help which was put his little, warm palm on Souza’s hand in support, a method he’s surely picked up from those around him.

That’s when it happened. The shock, the snap, then the rush of water.

Nichi shrunk back instantly, confused at what had just happened. He turned around to his father and explained it in the best way he could:

“Daddy! Sou-Sou pee peed!”

Everyone before him snapped around in one split second. At the same time Souza froze as the fragile glass he protected for so long shattered. It was in that moment, all of that confidence and “oh this is natural” ideas lifted their accursed false-faces and Souza felt his heart race into a thumping mess as he felt a heaviness force down on the core of his pelvis.

I’m having a baby…

It felt like his sanity was fleeting, far away like a young sparrow, gone and never to be seen again. His mind became a frantic and instinctual haze as one thought came to his mind as he stumbled to the veranda’s beam, barely holding himself up.

That thought… The baby wanted to come out now.

The three adults ran to his side as Nichi scooted back in his own little confusion at what was going on. He nestled to Mikazuki’s hip fearful at what he didn’t understand.

“Is Sou-sou okay?” he whimpered with wide eyes.

“Souza’s fine,” Mikazuki assured. He started to ask Souza a question, but there was no need to finish. There was one thought on Souza’s mind, and it terrified him to death.

“I… I think I need to-” and he just curled into himself, biting back whatever pain he faced. He knew his terror was leaking into his words. He could even feel the tremors in his own voice as the pressure placed itself right at his hips, forcing his body to drown in an instinct he wished he could control. The only way he could resist it was with his vocal whines of panic, but they stopped as he felt his muscles tightening, and all of a sudden he had no other choice but to help the baby along his path.

Mikazuki saw this and quickly grabbed Souza’s shoulder, possibly as a way to break that stream of consciousness he himself was familiar with. Kousetsu remained close too, except he let Mikazuki take control. Out of them all he knew best on how to handle this.

Gods bless Mikazuki’s soul, for goodness he could practically remain calm in any situation thrown at him. Despite the burden of his own pregnancy he walked to Souza’s side with ease, leaving Nichibotsune to the care of his papa, and told Souza they were going to go to the infirmary and they were going to get Yagen. He made it sound so simple.

“Can you walk?” Mikazuki asked while trying to reach Souza’s fallen eyes. He never did reach them, for they remained widened and in fear before him as he shook his head, frantically saying he couldn’t. That was when Mikazuki called his partner.

“Kogi, carry him to the infirmary. Kousetsu, has Yagen been kept up to date?”

All Kousetsu was capable of was a nod, and Mikazuki seemed pleased.

“Good. Already doing much better than I. Now, Souza, are you ready?”

He started to feel the tremble within his hands.

No… He thought. No I’m not.

After that, Souza couldn’t think any further. He was at a complete loss of what to do. Mikazuki had six hours before he felt anything remotely close to this. At least, that was what he was told. That was what he prepared for. Souza thought he would have had more time but… But that was not what was happening. Being thrown into this sudden whirlwind, he had no choice but to go along with Mikazuki’s plan, even if we wasn’t truly convinced it would work. He knew Kogitsunemaru was strong but-

The flash of pain thundering down his spine killed whatever he sensible thoughts he had left. Frantically he nodded, and as soon as Kogitsunemaru was at his side, he wrapped his arms around his neck and in no time at all he was lifted into the fox’s arms.

Be it from the pain or the panic, everything- his head, his consciousness, and even his sight- it all started going fuzzy. Mikazuki’s pointers became a distant drone, and it wasn’t until Kogi’s feet started pounding against the wood beneath them and the cold air blasted against his heating skin that he realized he was digging his fingers into the back of Kogi’s poor neck.

Deep down, Souza knew there was something he should do. There was a step between now and where they were going that he missed. Although important, he decided there was no sense in going back. Even if he wanted to, it all started moving too fast for him to keep up, forcing him to brush aside what he knew to be right for what made him more comfortable.

Then and there as he was carried off to the final destination, he called to Kousetsu (who kept up right beside them) and told him his final decision. Kousetsu didn’t seem to agree, but he apparently understood and reluctantly gave Souza his word. Even Kogitsunemaru seemed troubled by Souza’s weak statement, but what could he do?

Even if Nikkari never forgave him for this, it was the only thing he was strong enough to do.

It may have been selfish. Souza accepted that fact. But he was helpless. He was now a spectator to his own drama, helpless to the inevitable end, giving him no choice but this...

Now all that was left was to be taken to the infirmary to succumb to the mercy of his body and have this end once and for all. Now all he could do was watch the end of all of this, feebly wishing it didn't have to be so painful.

*****

“Nikkari, please return back to Earth with the rest of us. I don't want to have to rake all these leaves by myself.”

As desired by Nihongou, Nikkari returned from one of his frequent dazes. Like his last zone-out, he found himself resting his head on clasped hands on top of the rake he held in his grasp, leaning against it as he stared far off into a space no one else could see. He found it hard to focus today (not that it was any easier on other days). Something kept catching his attention, like he was missing something. Something important.

“Apologies. Something more interesting than collecting the fallen carcasses of slumbering trees caught my wandering mind.”

Nihongou, like any other normal person had no idea how to respond to that. “Right… Well, just… keep it going as much as you can. The last thing we need is a scolding from Hasebe for ‘not working hard enough.’”

Nikkari had since lost the habit of flinching every time he heard Hasebe’s name. At this point, Nikkari was used to being scolded by him for reasons he knew that were not good enough. Where this situation split Hasebe and Souza apart, it made him and Nikkari polar opposites. Nikkari was much better at keeping his cool than Hasebe was, so most outbursts between the two were instigated by the diligent attendant. Despite being an inconvenience to Nikkari, it made it easier to deal with knowing the tension was not directly by his own doing. Indirectly, however, was a different story.

Either way, Nikkari was not afraid of being scolded. He could expect it anyway. But he did pick up working again because even though he could take Hasebe’s heated tongue, Nihongou didn't deserve that on his behalf. So he put his hands down the length of the handle, and started splitting the coat of leaves with the tool’s metal fingers, revealing the hardening grasses beneath the golden-orange and brown shades of the fallen leaves. Their rustle became a metronome, a pattern for Nikkari to keep up and hopefully finish his assigned chore in good time. That way he could then sit later and meditate on why his mind was so prone to wandering today.

His focus managed to breed three moderately sized piles before being dragged away by his short attention span yet again. He blamed the breeze this time and the whispers that went along with them. The winds carried distant sounds of pattering feet, that of which could only come from the citadel halls. Like anyone would be, he was curious to the commotion. He took it upon himself to answer the mystery to the fuss and took a moment to zone in towards their lovely home.

There certainly was something going on, because down the corridor went Kogitsunemaru and Kousetsu. They were running quite fast indeed. Quite unusual not only for the citadel, but for them. It was when he realized who Kogi carried in his arms Nikkari dropped the rake and started running too.

“Hey Nikkari! Where do ya think you’re going?” Nihongou’s voice drowned in the growing distance between them. Unfortunately for him, Nikkari didn’t have the time to answer back. By the time he reached the veranda’s edge the trio was already far out of sight, turning the corner dozens of footsteps ago. Nikkari was further delayed as he struggled to pull off his work-dirtied boots before he jumped onto the veranda. He nearly fell over himself but managed to be free from them in due time, giving him time to play catch-up with the three.

If his conclusion was right, he knew where he had to go. His feet moved faster than his thoughts did, and before he knew it he turned the corner to where the infirmary lay, and right before its doors stood the white fox with Souza cradled in his arms, his own suffering causing his eyes to remain shut. His agonized moans into Kogitsune’s collarbone eradicated him of any chance of knowing Nikkari was there.

That is until he called his name.

The sound of his name pried open his weakened eyes, just enough to see who called him. Their eyes met for a moment before Kogitsunemaru ushered him out of sight behind the door.

Nikkari had no choice but the follow. As he dashed to reopen the closed shoji, Kousetsu, who was left outside alongside him, put a hand to his chest, stopping him from moving any further.

“Kousetsu-”

The eldest Samonji just shook his head “no,” throwing him into a state of bafflement.

“But why-”

“He doesn’t want you in there.”

Nikkari felt every last breath of air thrust out from his chest. Kousetsu’s stare was so unforgiving. Each syllable was so harsh . He might as well have just stabbed him with a dagger instead. “What?”

It looked as though Kousetsu was going to answer, but was forced to the side by Yagen who flew down the corridor. Surely he was told of the situation (most likely by Mikazuki who followed behind him) which meant he knew there was no time to waste by making proper hellos. Those were secondary to giving Souza his necessary assistance. There was an apology in his hasty breaths, but Nikkari wouldn’t have heard it anyway. Everything started feeling numb.

Moments passed before the shoji opened again. Kogitsunemaru made his way out this time, clearly decompressing from the sudden rush. He came out just in time to meet with Mikazuki who eventually made his way to the door with young Nichibotsune on his hip. There was a bit of apprehension in the boy’s eyes, making Nikkari wonder why, and wonder how Mikazuki knew to come here.

Did everyone else know before he did?

“Oh. Nikkari,” Mikazuki hummed, noticing he has joined the commotion. “You are here. Good, good. That saves us from trying to hunt you down too. Why don’t you head in-”

Kogitsunemaru shot him a look, sharing thoughts in a way only those two could. With the realization he went back to the statement previous, trying to erase the potentially-offensive slip up.

Nikkari didn't answer. For once he didn’t have any response for his elder’s words. Instead he just dropped his topaz gaze, leaving Mikazuki to continue with his purpose. He started with handing Nichibotsune off to Kogitsunemaru who placed the boy on his hip in a similar fashion to that of his lover.

“I don’t think I’m going to be too long,” he said in such a way that made it sound like he was only talking to his fox. “Now, Nichi, you’re going to stay with Papa the rest of the day, okay? If you have anymore questions you can ask him.”

As Nichibotsune gave a short nod into his Papa’s chest, Mikazuki looked back up to Kogi and asked him to wish him luck.

“You sure you’re up for this?” Kogitsunemaru asked.

Mikazuki laughed just as he always did. “I’m there in case Yagen needs extra hands, or if Souza needs veteran experience. That’s all.”

“You sure you don’t need me?”

Mikazuki gave a subtle side glance to the Wakizashi too absorbed in his own thoughts to notice as he said, “You are needed elsewhere.”

And so he too went into the infirmary, leaving them all in deep quiet until Kogitsune murmured quietly to himself:

“Of course he’s going to leave me with the tough questions... Now, Nikkari, you were in the fields today, weren't you?”

Barely a nod in response.

Kogitsune readjusted the boy on his hip and looked into his sunset eyes and said, “How about we go play with the leaves, Nichi? That way Nikkari-san can stay here and make sure Souza-san is okay.”

The word “play” caused an immense change in the boy’s eyes, going from a tired lull to bright excitement. To be given an offer to play in the leaves? What more could a little fox ask for in an afternoon?

“Thank you,” Nikkari managed get out of his dry throat as the father and son started walking away.

“Don’t even think about it,” he called back, and no sooner were they, too, out of sight. All that was left was him, the ever-quiet Kousetsu, and the dreaded wall keeping Nikkari out.

Nikkari wanted to know what Kousetsu knew, why Kousetsu would say such a thing. But… He lost all heart to ask. He found himself staring longingly at the door, the one door he so wanted to be behind. With nervous palms he caressed the wood of the frame, touching his fingers with the kiss of cold splinters as he found himself with the ability to do nothing more. He was shut out. He could deal with it before but now…

His heart. He shoved his fist to his chest because it hurt. It hurt so damn much. For so long he has been able to make excuses for Souza’s distance, but now... Now he couldn’t. He just couldn’t anymore. The one moment he thought Souza would have wanted his presence and comfort, he didn’t. He didn't even want him in the same room when the baby was going to be born and… Goodness did it hurt.

For how long he has fought to break down that wall for only another barricade to be erected in its place. It rose out of the debris of his hard work as a monument mocking all he’s done. It said to him that Souza still felt him to be outside the situation. He thought after everything he’s done, how open he was to everything, Souza could just accept him like he wanted him to. But the closed door wrote in big, haunting letters that he was still as much of an outcast as ever.

Nikkari couldn’t stand it in every sense of the word. He felt defeated, and he let his knees cave and he just fell into a kneel before the closed door. Not even now could he force a smile. Not a smile, not even an ironic chuckle. For once the laughing specter could not grin in the face of adversity.  

“Nikkari.”

Kousetsu's words didn’t dilute his misery. He felt his head get heavier with every passing second as the heat in his veins continued to deplete in his depression.

“I never got to thank you properly.”

He still had no heart to respond. Even with something as sincere as that was hard to take in with the emotional flood overflowing his body. When the shadows of Kousetsu’s words failed to vanish in the void where Nikkari’s response would fit, he picked up his head and saw Kousetsu standing tall beside him.

His expression was unchanging, and his stance - unwavering. The physical embodiment of zen was holding onto something, something in his mind. He could see it was something meant for him. So he gave him his attention. After all, how could anything hurt more than what he was feeling now?

The tachi turned around and lowered himself down to his level. Instead of going on his knees, he twisted around and leaned his back against the flat wall beside the door’s frame. He set his sights up towards the sky, staring off into the realm of his thoughts, digging for the words he wanted Nikkari to hear.

Then once he had them, cotton vowels drifted on cold winds.

“I wanted to thank you for taking such good care of my brother.”

He lowered his head further, scoffing at his words. “It apparently wasn’t enough-”

“You did more than you think. You’ve done what I couldn’t have as his brother. You have no idea how much that means to me.”

His words were earnest. He knew that. A liar, Kousetsu never was, especially in reference to the brothers he cared for so deeply. But Kousetsu’s feelings were different from that of Souza’s, and no offense to him, those are the ones he really cared about right now. It was only natural for him to go quiet in light of the Samonji’s words, further wallowing in his own despair.

“Did I ever tell you about what happened when Souza returned from the ultrasound?”

He cocked his head ever so slightly, teased by the words. Thankfully, he didn't have to ask Kousetsu to continue.

“It was getting late in the evening, so late the summer sun was nearly down. I remember how the sky was licked with red across the clouds, signs that autumn was slowly on its way. I had to tell Osayo that surely Souza was going to head right to bed when you two were to return, considering how late the day dragged on before your return. So, we would have to wait to greet him and ask about his day the following morning. It was then as we were both making preparations to go to sleep, Souza arrived at our door. And that’s when I knew something changed. Really changed.

“He was proper, asking us about our respective days, but we insisted we hear about his first. After all, he certainly had more to share than we did. Now, I expected him to have a nice day of course, so I certainly anticipated him to be at least pleased with his storytelling, just the same as it was with every other day out he had during his pregnancy but…”

In the break if his retelling, the cold blue in his eyes warmed for a moment, just like those winter days that were randomly embraced by spring’s warming approach.

“Once he started telling us about his day he just had this soft warmth about him. And when he called Sayo to his side, letting him curl up in his comfort like he always would, I could sense the excitement releasing from his pores. His pleasure soaked his words, leaking into a growing smile. Then he pulled out each and every one of the photos from the day. He went through each one, explaining to us what they were and of course what it all meant.” Kousetsu almost chuckled beneath his own soft grin. “Then he told us he was having a boy. ‘Another rightful Samonji,’ he said.”

Kousetsu then turned his head and made every effort to look straight into Nikkari’s eyes, trying to prove to him every word was true and more than valuable.

“Nikkari, as each word left his mouth his smile blossomed even more and for once I saw his heavy burdens vanish. You know him. He’s been happy within this citadel, but always with that lingering cloud of his past hanging over him. But that day for a moment I solemnly believed the man in strange clothing kneeling in my room that evening to be a stranger for how could someone so purely blissful be my brother?

“I’ve thought about it a lot since then,” he said with a sigh, “and although it was almost a stranger I saw there that evening, I knew that he finally found his way to be okay with everything. Nikkari, I tell you, I have never seen him so happy before in my life. That day he confided in me the fact he was expecting a child of unknown paternity, I was afraid that one, dark day oh-so many months ago would erase his remaining smile forever. Since then I’ve tried so hard to make him that happy but… It seems that was something only you could do.”

Something only I could do… Nikkari couldn’t believe that. It wasn’t like he was blind to Souza’s improving nature, but… He never thought his own efforts were solely responsible for that, especially since he really was part of the problem.

Either way, he found himself struck quiet, unable to say no more than a few select, bleeding words:

“You… Think so?”

“I would not thank you otherwise if I didn’t.”

“But then… If that’s so true, why didn’t it last?”

“Because he’s scared.”

“Scared?” He said a little faster than he anticipated. “If he’s still scared then what kind of job did I do if he’s just as afraid as he was when I first found him?”

“There are some things we can’t change, either as brother or lover, or even a friend.”

Nikkari’s frustration was slowly leaking off of his tongue. “But he let me be there. He said I could be there and it seemed like it would help him… Why does he still shut me out?”

Kousetsu didn’t have a quick answer for that. He thought for a moment, face still as motionless as a mask. His tongue was always so wise and poised. Putting that beside his visage, he would appear to be a living statue, one polished by time and wisdom, yet forever young.

“He’s still trying to change the inevitable.”

“I… I don’t understand. What does that have to do with anything?”

The effigy took his solemn breath. Delicately he broke his gaze towards the sky, and instead looked down at his two hands which seemed to be holding something that was not there. “You and Souza both have been accepting you as the father but… What would he do if you were there, waiting for the baby to be placed in his arms only to see a head of brown or eyes of violet?”

A quiet minute passed between the both of them. Allowing Nikkari to take a deep breath. “I told him-”

“You can tell him whatever you want. That is still a spark of anxiety he cannot extinguish. He never wanted to burden you with responsibility in the first place. No matter how many times you tell him ‘it’s okay,’ the fact that he dragged you through his own mud still pains him. You caring for Hasebe’s baby is such a sin to him. The only thing that will make him feel better is if he can fix it.” The cold air went still. “So now he’s trying to control something he knows he can’t. The longer he prolongs this, he feels it gives him more time to figure out how to change what’s going to happen. And I think that’s why he told me he didn’t want us in there.”

That piqued Nikkari’s interest. “Then why doesn’t he want you in there?”

“Probably embarrassment,” he honestly shrugged. “He probably doesn't want his brother watching him give birth. He did ask me earlier today to leave him alone, surely for the same reason. Or perhaps he doesn’t need me to see the result of the mistakes he was too embarrassed to admit in the first place.”

There was a little reassurance to the fact he had Kousetsu was out here with him, and he did reveal his own distress at not being in there, so at least he wasn’t alone. But Kousetsu’s encouragement did nothing to change how much the situation still bothered him. He was still behind the wall. He was still left on the outside.

“My words won’t change the impending situation,” Kousetsu started again. “But he wants it to be you, Nikkari.”

Nikkari wasn’t surprised. In response to the “inspiring” words, his tone grew even more sullen. “I do too.”

“And that’s what he’s afraid of,” he reiterated. “Do you understand? He knows you want this, and he wants to give it to you. He wants to give you a son, but he’s scared that won’t be the case.”

So again I am the source of his troubles…

“That… didn't help, did it?” Kousetsu sighed, eyeing Nikkari’s distress.

“It’s alright,” Nikkari lied as he usually did, finally cracking one of his false grins. “I’ll be fine whatever happens.”

From there, both danshi ended that conversation. It seemed all that had to be said was said, and now all that was left to do was wait. Nikkari grew tired of kneeling right before the door. So he took after Kousetsu and flanked the other side, giving himself a much needed place to lean back and rest.

He closed his eyes for a moment, and with the lull in words passing his focus grew attentive to what was happening behind the door. The paper doors masked the commotion behind them, yet didn’t eliminate it. He could hear Souza clearly. His agony overwhelmed the protection of the door and only broken by the questioning words that followed from Yagen.

Although Souza prefered to keep him separated, Nikkari refused to pretend like he didn’t know what was going on. He tried to keep track of what was going on as best he could to at least make him pretend like he was a part of it.

Moments continued to pass, and Nikkari didn’t know when, but he found himself zoning out again, almost to a dreamlike state. He didn’t fall asleep, but the only focus he had was to the vague vocalizations behind him. In this daze he decided to shut his eyes for a moment and perhaps meditate like he planned to earlier today.

It was October. It was October 9th and the cool air was particularly strong today. He didn’t feel it earlier this morning, but once he sat down and started his meditation, the heat from working in the field left his skin and he finally felt it. It was getting close to winter, almost the time when all of this all started, for Souza at least. For him it’s almost been a half of a year, waiting for this one day.

From this day forward their room would have a brand new occupant. He would start taking care of a child alongside Souza. This was what they were preparing for. This was what Souza’s cried over. This was what Nikkari dropped everything for.

He was disturbed by pounding footsteps, but at first he didn’t bother to make any acknowledgement. He only opened his eyes when his name was yelled from down the corridor, and once again Nikkari prepared himself for a scolding from Hasebe… Again.

“Nikkari Aoe!” Heshikiri Hasebe thundered across the citadel floors. “There is still a whole field of leaves to be raked and here you are napping, leaving Nihongou to do it all on his own. Do you understand how irresponsible that-”

Nikkari had to zone out the bombardment of accusations streaming from Heshikiri’s lips. He refused to interrupt him. Instead he waited until he was done, getting all of that malice out of his system until he opened his own heavy eyes to say:

“Souza’s in labor, Hasebe.”

Just as Nikkari expected, his face lightened into a whole new tint of white. The massive height of his authority was dwarfed by the brick wall his speeding train of accusation slammed into. Where once stood a menacing man of authority now stood the real, very self-conscious Hasebe. He was knocked off balance by the remark, for he was so steadfast in his scripted incriminations he had no room for adjustment. To have that carpet pulled from beneath him, his words started fumbling over themselves, and he seemed at a loss of what to do next.

“Is… Is he really?”

Nikkari slowly dipped his head down, just to pick it back up.

The two of them stared at each other for a moment. So many times their paths crossed in the past few months, prompting them to shoot sparks of malice past one another. Where camaraderie once lay now stood a deep battle, one where each blamed the other for submitting their loved one to such pain. And now came the moment were what was just frustration may turn into a complete divide between them.

Hasebe’s fists tightened at his sides as he realized this might be the moment his son is going to be born. Nikkari watched a million scenarios and a final decision flash past his eyes. And in a spark of time he thrust himself towards the shoji and barged in without any warning, slamming it shut behind him.

The slam came too fast for Nikkari to stop him, thrusting his heart into his throat. He had to try getting Hasebe out.

He had no idea what Hasebe planned to do, but he knew he did not like the possibilities. Souza was in his weakest state right now. From past experience he knew Hasebe has always made his fragile state worse, and now with time dwindling, who knew what Heshikiri planned to? What would he say? Nikkari also accepted the fact that Heshikiri would want to be there for the birth of his son, but Nikkari wanted the same. If Souza didn’t want Nikkari there, he most certainly would not want his former lover there.

He promised to protect Souza. Even if he felt excluded now he wasn’t going to give up his promise-

But again, right as he placed a hand on the door, Kousetsu stopped him with his sagely words.

“Don’t worry,” he hummed through his own meditation. “He’s not going to be long.”

Chapter Text

The first thing he did was get an assessment of the room. The situation, the air, and at what point he was walking into.

The situation: it was urgent considering how Yagen was on automatic, getting things together in such a scheduled fashion Mikazuki could never understand. The air: It luckily was not one of panic anymore. That frightening spark from minutes before seems to have transitioned into a pattern, or a routine of sorts. For Yagen, it was one he has studied more times than surely anyone could imagine. It surely was at a cleaner pace than when Nichibotsune was making his way into the world, but then again, perhaps with such speed there was little room for hiccups, and seeing Souza’s state, there really wasn’t much time. And with that Mikazuki knew what point Souza was at.

He knew it. This wasn’t going to take too much longer.

Just as he expected Souza took his place on the bed that played focal point of the room. Kogitsunemaru obviously took some time to get him comfortable in the bed provided to him. There was a hint of jealousy within Mikazuki’s heart (not the malicious kind, or course). After all he went through with Nichibotsune- being forced to labor on the futon with very little accommodation- he called Souza very lucky in the sense that he got one of the infirmary beds, one meant to be in a hospital room and one meant for a delivery in this modern age. It would probably make it easier on Yagen too, making it unnecessary for him to kneel to deliver the child. And that, in essence, is where the jealousy stemmed from. It was the fact that they had to learn from their mistakes with him, but he could easily get over that. Really all that mattered right now was for Souza to have a successful labor, and Mikazuki was going to do all he could to provide that for him.

After all, there was no one else in the citadel who understood the silent agony better than he.

Stepping further into the enclosed space, he walked to the side of where Souza lay, sitting halfway up, head forced back into the pillows behind him. The thin white sheet of the bed covered his waist and legs in modesty, but were unsuccessful in cloaking the heavy source of today’s events. It reached a decent size over his lap, ascending alongside the child beneath it, and the roundness of it almost made it look fake. And seeing how Kogitsunemaru already changed him into a robe more suited for the situation, one could easily be convinced it wasn’t even a part of him anymore. But of course, Mikazuki knew better. And with a chair so purposefully placed beside the bed (surely for himself), Souza’s usual robes were folded nicely to be taken to Kasen later to be properly cleaned.

First things first, Mikazuki was pleased at how everything was taken care of thus far. He would have to thank Kogi later for doing such a good job.

Until now Souza had yet to acknowledge (or perhaps notice) his close presence. So he got even closer to the left side of the bed and delicately brushed Souza’s bangs to the side, looking down to his tight, eye-shut grimace.

“I’m glad to see my fox didn’t drop you on the way here,” he commented fondly, just as he would when he would wake Nichibotsune from slumber, urging him to wake up to start the day. And just as an exhausted innocent would, Souza’s eyes opened up with a reluctance bearing the heaviness of misery. He rolled his head over ever so slightly to his right, just enough to look at Mikazuki in the eyes. There was a glitter in Souza’s eyes in which Mikazuki first took as a sign of appreciation. Or perhaps it could have been from something else entirely. Gods know how many tears he shed during Nichi’s birth.

“Mikazuki…”

As a comfort to Souza, he allowed for a soft smile to take over his lips. He then took the moment to really look over Souza, now that he was up close.

“What’s his status, Doctor?”

He did not really need to ask. Souza’s blankly-concentrated state of mind and tight-lip was evidence enough of how soon this was happening and he was anything but kidding about what he was feeling on the veranda. And as soon as he saw him pulling his legs up without much thought told him all the more that he was right when he told Kogitsunemaru he wouldn’t be long. But he still asked anyway. This way it would confirm his suspicions and give Yagen the opportunity to fill him in on anything he needed done.

Yagen didn’t ask much of him though, so with that Mikazuki kept his role of support and nothing more. He would remain there until he was needed further. So he turned and placed Souza’s folded clothes on the floor beside him and took his place on the seat set there just for him, but not without an honest sigh: sitting always felt like a release, especially from the pain in his own back.

“How are you feeling?” It was the most obvious question he could ask, but to think of something deeper would only be a hindrance to Souza. He only meant to show politeness anyway.

Once Souza released his deepened breath, he muttered that he was “just splendid.”

The response was just as he expected: begging for no follow-ups. So with not much else to do at the moment Mikazuki found himself very interested in Yagen’s process, how he was finding and hunting down different pieces and materials, setting up tables and covers and towels. It seemed haphazard, seeing how he would jump from one side of the room to the next to the bottom of the bed then back again, but it was still so specific and meticulous. The only stops came when he referred to whatever books and notebooks he had on hand. It made Mikazuki wonder if he should offer a hand in assistance, but he feared he would only throw a wrench in Yagen’s methodic works, especially when he started the all-too-familiar pattern of questions. The urges, if he could check the baby’s position, things like that.

“You have to tell me every time you feel an urge, alright? But don’t act on them until I give you the go ahead first.”

Souza didn’t seem to pleased with the final note, considering how his huffs grew more pained by the minute, but he agreed nonetheless. He then turned to Mikazuki and as soon as he had a moment of reprieve, he apologized to Mikazuki. It seemed he was finally ready to speak.

“You’re sorry?” Mikazuki asked with a laughing grin. “What on Earth for?”

With an apprehensive hand he caressed his own curve, referencing to the events earlier in their day: “ I… I think I may have scarred your son.”

He could not hold back a hearty chuckle. “Oh that’s no worry,” he assured. “He’s quite the resilient boy.” As he said that his second [to be] born decided to make his or her own input with its own shuffle. “And It will be a decent segway into how his sibling will come to be.”

Somehow that cracked a grin from Souza’s lips: “I can’t believe you’re willing to go through this again.”

“Now you’re making me reconsider, but I think it’s a little late to change my mind.”

Before they could even share a laugh the demon of agony took hold of Souza again, causing his legs to writhe in a way that put a pit within Mikazuki’s own stomach.

“Yagen,” Souza started to call. It was the sign he asked for not too long ago.

“Do you think you can wait a little bit longer?” Yagen said with a subtle apprehension.

“I… I can try but…” a grunt of pain. “But he’s really on his way.”

“I just need a minute. I promise.”

Seeing Yagen needed some time, he felt it was his time to step in and find a way to make this as painless for Souza as he could.

Conversation didn’t last long, though. It more became Mikazuki rambling on about things in hopes to somewhat distract Souza from everything. But when contractions came on, he was always politely hushed. Being silenced was no issue to him, but… Something else bothered him.

They all could hear the voices rising outside the door. The words were muffled, yet Nikkari emotional state was anything but hidden. He was upset. Very upset. And just as they heard Nikkari’s tone increase in anxiety, Souza curled almost in unconscious response, writhing in pain. It seemed like a coincidence, but to Mikazuki, it seemed like so much more.

“There’s… So much pressure…” he whimpered. “I just…”

“Want it to go,” Mikazuki finished. “And it will. Oh it will. I promise.”

Promises were nothing with something like this. Mikazuki knew every word he said wasn’t going to mean anything to him. Although that was expected, he didn’t think Souza would take so much on his own.

He was keeping so much to himself. He didn’t even take Mikazuki’s offered hand. He didn’t judge him, but even when he was in labor with Nichibotsune he found at least some comfort with a warm hand at his side.

Souza didn’t seem to want that. His comfort was only given in the form of crumpled bed sheets in his fists or the cold plastic provided by the bed’s sides. It was as if he still tried to keep from burdening anyone with his pain. How badly he wanted to convince Souza that if there was only one time in his life he had the right to rely on someone, this was it.

That also meant he knew it would fall on deaf ears. That was just Souza’s type. So he didn’t say anything. Souza was going to do this the way he wanted. Only Souza knew what was best for him.

The rattle and clang of Yagen’s prep ceased for a moment, and he came to where Mikazuki sat and held a needle in his hand. It was attached to a tube of sorts that led to this apparatus that stood behind the chair he sat upon. It seemed very intricate and that playful jealousy bubbled back again.

“I don’t know how I should feel about these better preparations,” Mikazuki mused. “It makes me feel like I was a guinea pig.”

“Well you were,” he concurred. “We also didn’t have the luxury of the infirmary at our disposal. That being said we will now know even more for the next time.” Finishing the thought Yagen asked for Souza’s right arm and told him to take a deep breath as he placed the needle in his arm.

“What’s this for?” Souza managed to squeak, wincing at the strange feeling.

Mikazuki had to say he was wondering the same thing. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s seen this thing, he just wasn’t sure of its use right now.

“Just a safety precaution,” Yagen explained as he took a towel to pat away whatever blood he accidentally drew. “It’s to keep you from dehydrating.”

That reminded Mikazuki of something. “And there is oxygen on hand?” he asked.

With a nostalgic smile Yagen replied with certainty that they did indeed have oxygen, not without reassuring Souza that it is very unlikely it will need to be used. He said that surely all of the complications he had during his own labor were more due to his advanced age.

Once that was situated and Yagen returned to whatever he was doing, Mikazuki sat back and waited for everything to unfold. He was good with idle patience, so the following moments of locked-tongue didn’t bother him.

Then the panic started rising again. It started overflowing from Souza’s throat. Souza’s back stiffened as his arms went hard at his sides. He was struggling to keep his soft spoken voice just as such.

“Yagen-” and his word died off with a quick breath, throwing his lungs into a pattern of huffs and puffs that made his chest rise and fall. Then the words got louder:

“Oh dear Gods Yagen!!!”

Souza threw his head back, revealing gritted teeth beneath thin lips. The hands once stiff at his sides clutched tight to the bars encasing the bed. Through pants and yells Souza begged Yagen to come back over, quickly deciding he needed to start now.

Yagen sped back over to the bottom edge of the bed. He lifted the edge of the sheets and looked beneath them, and Mikazuki saw him reach his hand beneath it as well. The reddening of Souza’s face was surely more due to that then the strain his body was going under.

“You aren’t ready yet. Please just hang in and bear through this one.”

“What do you mean ‘not ready?’ I can’t-” and all that followed were vocal breaths, edging on the line of yells.

“After this one, you should be ready to start.”

Exasperated, Souza groaned beneath his overshadowing agony. He was trying, quite hard in fact to follow Yagen’s orders. But it clearly wasn’t easy.

“I feel him,” he winced as he forced himself back further and further into the cushions. “Yagen please-“

Then Yagen thought for a split second.

“Well, I suppose this is good enough. Okay. If you need to-”

Souza didn’t need anymore go ahead.

Mikazuki watched from the outside what it was like to see someone in labor, maybe to understand what Kogitsunemaru shared with him about watching him throughout his own labor. As he said so many times before, it really was strange. That moment where he started working on finally delivering his child into the world turned him into a whole new person: that feeling of being alone, solely responsible for bringing forth this new life, Mikazuki knew the feeling but didn’t know how physically obvious that was.

He could also finally understand that desire to help him through it. He saw where everyone else’s strange guilt came from when they realized they couldn’t help with this situation. Souza was in such concentrated agony it was unbelievable. All he wanted to do was ease the pain. Now he knew why Kogitsunemaru was always such a nervous wreck and offered practically an arm and a limb for his comfort.

And Mikazuki never knew that feeling better than when someone decided to make an unwelcome appearance. His entrance was marked with a loud slam and welcomed by an aggravated lamentation on Souza’s end.

It was Hasebe. He flew into the room with zero chance of slowing down. He had his own panicked daze within his eyes, one similar to the one Souza bore when he realized his water broke. Except, this was Hasebe. Mikazuki mused how two opposite ends of a situation could have a similar reaction to the idea that the “baby was coming.” What Mikazuki didn’t muse on was how fast and easily he ran right to Souza’s side and how quick he was to act like this was some sort of business meeting, not a sensitive medical procedure.

“Souza, we need to talk.”

There couldn’t have been more red in Souza’s eyes as those words left Hasebe’s lips. As a drip of sweat made its way down his temple, he shot him a pointed stare. It looked like he could tear him apart without so much as lifting a finger: “You really couldn’t have picked a better time for this?”

To his own detriment, he didn’t seem to notice the developing sweat on Souza’s temple. “Souza I-”

“I know. You must be all dramatic about it I know. I-”

His snaps were caught in his throat. Truly the power was going from his consciousness to the acts of his body. And before he could say anything further he curled his chin to his chest and Yagen started counting to ten.

All Hasebe could do was stare at the little tent the sheet made over Souza’s lower half, and Mikazuki noted how his own breathing rate seemed to elevate with every count Yagen made. Mikazuki concurred with Souza, asking if Hasebe could leave this for another time but once the count was over and Souza was breathing again he looked back to his straining eyes (completely disregarding Mikazuki’s words entirely) and spoke to him as if he were not a man in the middle of delivering a child.

“Before this is over there are so many things-”

“Can you please get OUT???”

“Souza, I can’t just let you do this.”

Something about that flicked away his snappy aggravation. Silence henceforth flooded the room. They might as well have been in a funeral parlor, considering how quiet it became.

Even Mikazuki could see Hasebe’s depressed sincerity. Then In Souza’s reprieve, he rested a hand upon the top of his belly, and cooled the red in his sights and replaced them with a look more somber in reaction to Heshikiri’s darker air.

“What… Do you mean?” he tried to say beside his deepening breaths.

“Souza. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. But I never knew how to confront you after what happened-”

“Hasebe,” Yagen now broke in. “I recommend you getting to your point sooner rather than later.”

With that he had to shuffle through the pages of his mental dialogue, trying to pinpoint where his point lay. The mental rattle revealed Heshikiri’s anxiety even more, and it was evident why when he told Souza surely what has been bothering him for so long:

“How am I going to live around your child everyday?”

Mikazuki’s spine rattled, and he knew everyone else’s did the same. Yagen took it upon himself to stand up for Souza, saying:  “You’ll treat him like every other sword warrior in this citadel.”

“How…” he continued. “How can I do that without being reminded of what I lost?”

What a conversation to have in the midst of the birth of a child. Mikazuki marveled at how Souza managed to refrain from destroying Hasebe for his impertinence. He marveled even more at how he managed to keeps such composure with the obvious strain he was being put under. Honestly, if he felt he had any right to, Mikazuki would have taken care of it himself, pregnant or not. But it wasn’t his situation to take care of and he did not  want to be the one responsible for breaking Hasebe’s nose.

He left the events to unfold in their own drama. He felt partially odd how he hung to every word that was exchanged, and he wondered what Souza could possibly say back.

When he finally did his voice barely touched the air around him. Everything Souza said felt so fragile, but also so sure .

Even the toughest of glasses had the risk of shattering.

“You mean… What was taken away from you…”

Hasebe saw what he meant. “I didn’t say-”

“Look… I know how you feel about this… It… It is what you feel. I… Know… You hate this…”

As delicate and frail as he was, Souza used what strength he had to spare to lull his head to the side, enabling him to stare right into Hasebe’s eyes and grasp Hasebe’s hand. He held it the way he used to, back before things were complicated. The melted gaze alongside it came easy to him. It was one he was so used to giving to him. But this time instead of lust, it was a sort of somber love that was strong enough to even tug at Mikazuki’s heart.

“Hasebe,” he winced, struggling to keep whatever strength he had together. “ If… I could ask you anything… Anything… Just… Please…”

Every word bore more weight than the last. Souza relied so much on the pillows behind his own head.

“ Please don’t hate the child.”

Everyone went silent. It felt as though a single breath could break the delicate moment.

“I know it will be hard for you…,” he continued. “So… Whatever… Hatred you have… Please keep it with me. I… Can handle it-

And with that Souza had to take himself back. The strain was rising again and again he pulled his chin to his chest, curled over and started pushing again.

What he didn’t realize was how he still held to Hasebe’s hand.

Heshikiri didn’t know what to do with himself. Souza took the weight from his own shoulders and threw it back to him, forcing him to cradle it in his own hand. They all knew he wanted this to end any way but this, and in a way they all did too. But it was too late now. The burden Heshikiri was now holding onto was a strong one indeed…

But like Souza’s hand he didn’t let go, even if it did hurt him.

As soon as the count was done and Souza took a recovering breath he realized whose hand he held. With an instant (yet also hesitant) yank he took his hand back. He rolled his head towards Mikazuki instead of his former lover. And for moments forward there was nothing else to say.

That is until Hasebe asked one last question.

”Do you want me to stay?”

Souza never looked back. “Go.”

And with a stern nod of his head, Hasebe turned on his heels and left without another word. Mikazuki had to respect how he still kept his head high.

“Well would you look at that,” Mikazuki decided to comment with a grin. “If only Fudou were here we would have had all of the Oda swords in one room.”

“Oh Gods,” Yagen sighed. “Pray that boy will never go near a delivery room.”

And with that Mikazuki forced a laugh. It wouldn’t have been healthy to keep such stagnant misery lingering in a room.

But Souza, his head stayed to the side in which he rolled it too, except now he shut his eyes closed. He was visibly at the point of numbness, like nothing more could hurt him. On the surface, that seemed to be a good thing. However, it was no secret this was more due to a “rock bottom” standard.

To be honest, it filled Mikazuki’s own heart with such a sadness.   

“Mikazuki?” he whispered through his thickening throat.

“Yes?”

He opened his eyes then. Again came that glint he saw before, but now he knew it wasn’t appreciation… They really were just tears.

“Were… You ever this scared?”

Now that broke his heart.

Be it four (almost five) years since that day, Mikazuki was hit with questions about how he felt about the situation, how excited, and at times how nervous he was. Never was he queried at how “scared” he was, at least, in those words. After all, no one would expect the great Tenka Goken, Mikazuki Munechika to be afraid of anything really. It was the first time someone honestly asked him that, and although he would have told anyone else “of course I was” and leave it at that, he knew that Souza wasn’t acting for the same reason they did.

Souza may not have wanted physical support through the touch of a hand, but he needed to know he wasn’t alone in his feelings. That told Mikazuki he finally found the ears that needed to hear his honesty.

He set his gaze far off into the space looking far off into his memories. He looked before himself with a slight smile as he recalled the day the felt like both ages and moments ago:

“I was terrified.”

He sensed Souza looking towards him, awaiting every word. How long Mikazuki tried to have Souza trust him in this way. Seems it took the ending of it all to break him open.

“You don’t happen to remember the mission where I fell, do you? We were dispatched together with Ookurikara, Otegine, Horikawa and Kogitsune.”

Mikazuki saw in his peripheral the gears turning in Souza’s head, and in seconds time he had a slight nod.

“Well, that was also the day I found out I was pregnant.”

The look of surprise was just what he expected. And from there, everything was on the table. He mentioned all sorts of trauma that moment brought for him thereafter: there was the uncertainty that Kogitsunemaru would ever want to be with him after a mistake like that. Then were all the worries meanwhile about his unattractiveness and growing uselessness. He went through it all, turning sincere dialogue to mindless recollections, touching every moment fear was struck in Mikazuki’s heart during that period of his life…

Even the terror that came with Nichibotsune’s birth. That fear that Nichi was never going to meet his father...

He went through all of it, filling the miserable seconds between Souza’s contractions, and something about it eased Souza’s air. And it was then as things started getting worse, he asked Mikazuki one last question, except this one was of no words. It was an unclasp of his fingers from the bars and a delicate gesture for support. It was a sign of trust, and Mikazuki was going to take it.

So long ago Souza wanted nothing to do with him. He yelled at him, saying he knew nothing about what he was going through. But here he listened to his rambles and took them to heart. So Mikazuki slid his own hand into Souza’s and once clasped he rubbed it with his thumb. He would continue to speak until he was told not to. He let Souza know that despite everything, he was going to be okay. It was all going to be alright.

It was kind of funny. The one person he didn’t even want near him when he first found out became the only person he was comfortable with at the way end. It’s odd how things work out like that, isn’t it?

“The pain will end,” he said. “The pressure will fade…” And what Mikazuki wanted to finish with was but this moment, you will remember forever… But just as he opened his mouth again he noticed things were lively again, particularly outside. The action and yelling between two men thrashed beyond the door.

Now that was unfair. Souza should remember this forever for the blessing this was, not for the drama it caused. That just goes to show what upset Souza so much in the first place.  No matter what happens, this is always going to breed malcontent.

That’s why Mikazuki rethought his words. What good would it do to say his feelings now, that of fear and guilt, will live with him forever?

So he said it another way, just loud enough to drown out what was going on outside:

“And one day, this pain won’t even matter anymore.”

He didn’t expect that to fix anything. But he knew Souza needed to hear that whether he was conscious or not. It was planting a seed that one day will sprout into understanding.

You’ll move on, he thought. You’ll be so busy with the baby you won’t even be able to think anymore. Soon your son will be grown and then, one day you’ll remember how scared you were and how everything seemed so dire. But you’ll look at your son and realize what happened doesn’t matter. He put his hand on his own belly. You’ll stare at what you have and realize what you had to give up blessed you with more than you ever could have dreamed of.

The room started filling with wails, tears, and screams. He took all support he could from Mikazuki’s grip (for someone claiming he was not so experienced with battle, he had quite a strong grip). Souza kept throwing his neck back and dragging his clamping fist with him. It seemed whatever self-restraint he had was out the window. And Yagen did his best to raise his voice enough to keep up with Souza’s elevating volume.

Well this was it. Mikazuki did not live through half of what Souza did, but he couldn’t help but feel his own sort of relief with this coming to an end. This run of anxiety and such needed to cease.

It was a mess. For Souza’s and everyone else's sake it needed to finally tie its loose ends. And he knew Souza hoped the same…

Then… there was one last thing he wished to tell him. Yes. The pain Souza is facing now will fade from this moment forward, but he will never forget it. It was just like how that fear that ravished him during Nichibotsune’s birth never left him.

And honestly… Mikazuki continued within the security if his own mind. And honestly you won’t want to…

The last thing he noticed was how a tear fell from his eyes.

Souza… One day, you’ll understand. I promise you I’m not lying.

Even with so many things he wanted to say, he would lock them away until a later date, safe and sound until Souza was ready to hear it with his baby safe in his arms.

*****

Once up he could not sit back down.

Nikkari- instead of sitting back down and bathing himself deep in meditation like Kousetsu did- was pacing like it was nobody’s business. The heat of his anxiety and damn frustration manifested itself into a fire in heels. If he were left there much longer he surely would have formed a rut where he walked.

It was just so aggravating being locked out while Heshikiri did who knows what. He wanted to listen in and hear what was going on to make sure he wasn’t making it harder for Souza than it already was, but he couldn’t. As far as privacy goes, that would have been incredibly rude.

What nagged at him so was the last thing he clearly heard out of Souza’s mouth was yelling at Hasebe to “get out,” and then it was almost silent. He couldn’t hear anything after that. Then minutes passed, which provided so much room for his nerves to grow even more. Why didn’t get out? Why did Souza yell at him to get out? Something was indeed going on because if Souza wanted him to get out and he didn’t? It only made things seem worse.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if someone at least came out and told him how Souza was holding up. Maybe even let him know that Hasebe wasn’t breaking his heart amidst his body tearing him apart. Right now he was completely in the dark and he didn’t know what to do with himself. He promised to protect him and right now he felt like a total failure.

But what else was new?

Then just as he was taking one of his many paces away, the shoji opened behind him and he snapped around faster than the shoji sliding into place.

To his dismay the face he saw was that of Hasebe. Well, at least he wasn’t in there with Souza anymore.

His air was oddly stoic as he left the room behind him. Then slowly but surely it melted away, drenching him more and more in some sort of aggravation. He made no looks towards either of them (to be fair, Kousetsu was clearly avoiding him as well). Even as he brushed passed Nikkari’s shoulder, he said nothing. No sort of “excuse me” or anything.

Except, Nikkari could have sworn he heard something .

“Did you say something?” Nikkari asked. His tone edged on to the fact that deep down he knew that he did indeed mutter something, and he didn’t like what he heard.

It stopped the Uchigatana in his tracks, and the melted mask he bore solidified into a jagged edge, but he still kept to silence.

Where Hasebe showed disdain, Nikkari fought back with his own narrowing eye.

“If you want to tell me something, say it to my face.”

The turn of his neck was so stiff and deliberate. The look Hasebe gave him held a thousand thunderstorms wrapped in purple cyclones ready to tear Nikkari apart. Zaps of lightning crashed through his skull, knifing deep into his chest as the words flooded through his gritted teeth:

“This is all your fault.”

The words ripped through him, banging around and ringing a terrible sound within his psyche. The words echoed so it actually caused him to freeze still.

My fault?

It repeated, over and over again, every time more irritating than the last…

He seriously thinks this is all my fault?

He knew he threw the wrench in the works by sleeping with Souza but if he remembered correctly Souza cried over Hasebe too.

If Hasebe didn’t make Souza so unhappy, he wouldn’t have isolated himself on New Years. He wouldn’t have been left alone. He wouldn’t have needed Nikkari’s comfort. If Hasebe just thought about Souza there never would have been this problem. If Hasebe just understood he deserved better and gave him what he deserved none of this would have happened. If he just gave him the care he needed Souza never would have had to break up with him and maybe they could have lived happily ever after with their baby… or there never would have been a baby at all!

If Hasebe had just been there! And now he has the gall to say it was his fault?

Nikkari was never a man of words, so it was crucial to let his actions speak for him. But the fire burned too fast, and his body moved faster than his mind, and before he knew it his fist was around that damned purple collar of his, and with as much force his body could muster he forced him back to the wall, nearly snarling behind his teeth.

Hasebe tried to ask him what in God’s name was he doing but it seemed Nikkari’s sheer force knocked the wind from him lungs stopping him mid sentence.

That was it. Nikkari was done with this. He crossed the line now, and he was invading on Nikkari’s territory, and it was time he fought back.

The commotion awakened Kousetsu from his meditation, and just as fast as Nikkari flew he was up urging them to stop. Unfortunately Nikkari was so blinded by rage it made him deaf to his pleas too.

“I gave up everything to be there for Souza!” He growled. “If you had only done the same this never would have been an issue!”

“I did give him everything-“

“You didn’t!” He fought back. “He wouldn’t have separated from you if that were the case!”

The burning words damaged Hasebe’s own wall of composure. Every moment his words grew sharper, countering his opponent’s.

“Well nobody asked you to fuck him!”

Nikkari never thought he had the capability to be so enraged. He held himself together for so long, but Hasebe’s words yanked away every last bit of his own composure away, and that’s when the first fist flew, right into Hasebe’s cheek.

His knuckles fell hard against the bone, sending thrums through Heshikiri’s skull. His eyes went wide. He stared down at Nikkari’s raging eyes with disbelief at what he just did. It opened the door for him to release his own fury. That’s when Hasebe rushed in with his own swing.

Fists flew, braising past the others’ respective grimaces. Their bodies danced around each other, spinning and thrashing between the fragile walls of the citadel corridor. With the breaths of fists flying past both of their ears, Kousetsu’s sudden pleas died with the cold air.

He was right to keep his distance though, lest he wished to get his own set of bruises.

They moved at a tumbling pace until Hasebe dug his knee straight into his gut stuffing a thick thrum of electric pain into his core. He lost his focus to coddle his stomach. Luckily his dazed eye saw Hasebe coming at him with his own fist again, so he grabbed his wrist as fast as he could right before it touched his skin.

He felt Hasebe’s muscles shaking beneath his grip. With his legs as the only available weapon he forced all of his energy into his knee and repaid him for what he did to him. Except Nikkari’s knee landed a little lower causing him to gasp and fall to his knees.

If Hasebe had even the slightest bit less of the constitution he had, he would have blacked out instantly. It was a (literal) low-blow but Nikkari had no qualms in playing dirty if he had to.

It was a bit symbolic actually.

“You bastard,” Hasebe murmured between pants. “You are so much better than me, aren’t you?”

“That’s not what I said-“

“Well, he has you now, doesn’t he? You’re his savior, aren’t you? I didn’t give him enough so you swooped in and made everything alright, didn’t you?”

“No… no that’s not it at all! That’s exactly it he deserves better than me! He deserved you to be better! Why can’t you see that-“

“Now that is enough!”

Kousetsu’s call was finally heard. As if to make sure he would keep being heard, Nikkari felt Kousetsu’s hand on the back of his collar, quickly yanking him away from Hasebe’s fallen body.

“Don’t you two have any respect at all?” Kousetsu began with his own fury. “My brother is in the middle of giving birth to your son and here you are acting like absolute children!”

Nikkari didn’t help his cause when he started arguing back with Kousetsu, validating what he did. Kousetsu quickly shut him up, not even letting him finish his thought.

“This situation is hard for all of us,” he said. “So if this is how you have to deal with it, fine. But take it somewhere else. The last thing my brother needs right now is to hear you two throwing your fists at each other over him. He has agonized for weeks upon weeks about both of your feelings. The least you could do is consider his now.”

Then as if on cue to save them from their scolding, the shoji rushed open again, and it was Yagen. It was Yagen but with stains on his smock and gloves. The shrill scream alongside his urgent call for Kousetsu stopped everything then and there. As soon as he came he and Kousetsu went, and the door was closed again.

And then everything was frighteningly still. They both shut up as the imprint of Kousetsu’s icy stare sent shame into both of their hearts. It cooled both of their fires and they just realized what was going on. Or… what they didn’t know was going on.

With the stillness of everything he felt a gross drip from his nose. Expecting it to just be a runny nose from the cold weather, he wanted to quickly take the thick of his thumb to rid of it. But as he looked down to the side of his hand he saw the stain of blood, and finally he realized how immature he really had become.

Minutes away from being a father and here was playing fisty-cuffs with Souza’s ex.

He managed to force Heshikiri Hasebe to his knees. This was Master’s trusted attendant, the man whom he remained a comrade to for years upon years, fighting to save History from the clutches of evil. This was Souza’s partner for a long, long time. Nikkari and he used to be the “friend” and the “partner,” and they used to be cordial like so. Hasebe meant so much to Souza little over a year ago, and now everything changed.

Even though it felt damn good to put the man who caused Souza such pain in his place, it now felt so childish. What if Souza heard all of that? And what right did he have throwing fists when Hasebe was not exactly wrong?

After all, this was hard for him too.

“Gods what the Hell have I done,” Nikkari muttered, rubbing his head with his fingers, nearly covering his eyes. “This is exactly what he didn’t want…”

There was a stony silence. The rock was repeatedly chiseled by horrific cries of pain and agony, and it was then the truth they thought they understood came crashing down harder than they were ready for.

They both hung within the friction their respective presences brought to the air until the waves settled. Neither of them had anything to say to each other. Even if they did, they knew what the other was going to say and Souza’s cries were too distracting for them to listen to the other.

Then again, it was never too late for the unpredictable to happen.

This whole time Nikkari saw something churning in Hasebe’s mind, and every word was a struggle, and as time passed it was starting to become evident it was less and less due to his recovery from the attack.

“Nikkari I… I shouldn’t have said that.”

Despite Heshikiri’s sincerity, Nikkari didn’t even bother to return that effort of an apology with a look back. Although he acknowledged he was acting a bit immature, the salt of Hasebe’s words in the moment still stung his wounds. He knew he meant them when he said it, and he wasn't willing to forget it anytime soon. When Hasebe continued that somewhat-mumbled and struggled effort to speak it seemed he knew that too.

“Kousetsu was right,” he continued. “This is hard on all of us.”

At least for once they were on the same page.

“But... we all can agree this is hardest on Souza.”

“Oh so you realize that now,” he snapped.

“Despite what you may think, I do know that, Nikkari. I’m not blind.”

Nikkari had to bite his tongue, lest he wanted to make this whole thing worse.

“Sometimes I have a hard time seeing how terribly I could fail at something. I failed at being there for Souza, and... I’m sorry I can’t accept that.”

The apology did nothing to satisfy him. He may have been sorry but that didn’t make up for causing Souza such remorse. He tightened his lip in response. And with the lack of rebuttal it was clear Hasebe spoke his peace. So with a certain heaviness on his shoulders he just stood up and started leaving without another word.

As he hearkened Hasebe’s fading footsteps he crossed his arms over his chest, standing with an unfightable aggravation. Hasebe finally left.

But there was no gladness.

Actually, nothing felt good about it. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that growing pull in his chest was the tug of guilt. It rose exponentially, slowly tightening all of the muscles in all his body.

He had a hard time forgiving him, but he knew Hasebe wasn’t lying. Sure he was the “ex,” but, he was just as much a victim as Nikkari was. Hasebe was shut out from the beginning. How painful that must be for him. Souza of course had his reasons, but a part of him started to sympathize with him. He wasn’t even given a chance to make up for his mistakes. And it was no secret he still loves Souza, perhaps just as much as he. And then who was Nikkari to force him away? There was a chance he was taking his child away from him. So what was Nikkari going to do? Stop him from being there for the birth of his possible child?

He felt ridiculous. After all Souza did not want him there but a part of him also demanded that he make some sort of amends. It may have been too late to make up for everything, but he still had a chance.

As he still heard the fading footsteps he released his arms from their tight cross and turned as fast as he could to where Heshikiri left and he called to him.

“Heshikiri!”

He was relieved to see Hasebe was still close enough to hear him.

“Maybe… You should stay after all.“

It took a moment for Hasebe to finally turn around and call back. But when he did, there was a weird fill to it. He sounded like he was okay, like he was back to his authoritative self. But it was like a hollow statue filled with something fake. What looked like solid stone was cloaking the emptiness it surely held.

“Souza doesn’t want me,” he said, staring right back at Nikkari. “He needs you and I care about him enough to respect that.”

Now that sounded familiar. Maybe… Maybe Hasebe was listening to Souza after all.

“And besides, I have work I need to get done for Aruji. But before I go I have to tell you how wrong you are…”

Nikkari held tight to the stillness forming from Hasebe’s words. It was unnerving how Hasebe’s words struggled to leave his lips, like the shell would shatter and reveal what was held beneath if he spoke too loosely. But it was cracked in a moment’s time, and he kept it quick to keep a hold on all of those little tiny fractures.

“You are better for him,” he said. “And, I’m sorry I will never be able to accept that.”

And then, he was gone. He walked away without a look back. And then, Nikkari found himself alone again, baffled at what Hasebe just admitted to him today.

For so long Nikkari antagonized Heshikiri. He was the one to force Souza into singularity after all. Nikkari meant it when he said Souza would not have left him if he really were there like he was supposed to be. So when Hasebe started blaming him and calling him a bastard beneath his teeth, it only seemed right he force him beneath his knuckles, trying to punish him for making Souza so miserable.

So why would he all of a sudden say he was best for Souza?

Perhaps it was what Kousetsu said. In a situation like this it was hard for either of them to really see what was best for Souza. Heshikiri could only see the chance he let slip away. And really, who could blame him?

But surely, for Hasebe he must have masked that regret with the idea that it should have been him, that he was “the best” for Souza. That’s why he antagonized Nikkari so much. It must have been a way to cope with what he lost. It was human nature, after all; blaming others to mask one's mistakes to ultimately help him deal with the uncontrollable.

And in that moment, Nikkari realized he was doing the same.

Antagonizing Hasebe distracted him from what terrified him this whole time. When Hasebe was in the picture, Nikkari could argue he himself was the lesser of two evils: the friend over the ex. With that in mind he wasn’t just the child-killer...

But now that Hasebe was gone for good...

Nikkari was reminded of his first insecurity. Is he really the best for Souza?

Without Hasebe now they all expected him to be the best, didn’t they? But, Kogi said he didn’t have to be the best. Right? No one could be the best of anything, especially a father.

He couldn’t be. He couldn’t be the best thing for Souza. It just wasn’t possible…

There was no one else there with him. It was him, alone with the citadel walls. It was now his burden. For minutes the thoughts swirled around his fogging mind as anxiety piled within his gut. Every second came another insecurity and a confusion he just couldn’t iron out.

What was he doing here? Who did he think he was to step up to this responsibility? Hasebe was wrong, Kousetsu was wrong. He wasn’t right for Souza. He wasn’t right to be a father. What experience did Nikkari have with children except them being beneath his blade?

He shouldn't be here. He didn't belong here. It should be Hasebe, not him. It should be anybody but him.

I’m not supposed to be a father, he thought. I can’t be-

He almost felt the world shatter in that moment. Because… Because he heard something.

It… It was a cry. A child’s cry.

Crying. A baby was crying. It was so frail. It was as weak as a butterfly’s wings thrusting through thick air. It was so small yet so shrill and powerful it felt almost unreal.

Then he felt everything go cold. In that moment when the fire was extinguished the freezing void sucked back all of the memories of his mistakes and the nightmares that taunted him.

And it was only then he realized he was shaking.

Childrens’ cries… They terrified him.

He wasn’t terrified of children, no. He was terrified of what he could do to them. Memories ran past his eyes like a bullet from a pistol. Maniacal laughter, a baby’s cry. It reminded him of his nightmares, those in which Souza held a bloodstained bundle in his arms. He would laugh too. He would laugh beneath Nikkari’s blade as he struck down to eliminate the mocking spirit.

He lived with this anxiety for so long, and it lingered even deeper into his core when minutes passed, creating this huge vacant space for anxiety to fill in. Of course words from Kousetsu made relevance, making Nikkari believe the length it was taking for him to be called in came from the possibility that that cry was of Hasebe’s son, not his own. And if that were the case, Heshikiri should have heard his first cries. Not him. Not the child killer.

The sound of the shoji almost sent him into a panic too strong to fight. The only thing keeping him from losing it all was the soft crescent eyes of Mikazuki Munechika looking back at him.

Despite the presence of his body, he still felt like he was alone in a snowstorm with no presence in sight.

He knew Mikazuki saw the terror in his eyes, explaining why he delicately removed himself from the doorway and closed the door behind him.

Nikkari had never felt so small. Mikazuki always towered over him, but insecurities always made a man feel smaller. Mikazuki stood right before him, casting a tall shadow over him, making the chill even more bitter. He put his hands on his shoulders and said nothing for a moment or so. Nikkari looked up into his eyes, begging for some sort of telling on what he was walking into and what the truth was before he had to face it. But like usual, Mikazuki was a hard book to read, and his words weren’t any less cryptic:

“I told you,” he said, still keeping his hands tight on Nikkari’s shoulders. “I find what you are doing to be admirable. Never forget that.”

Something about that accentuated his nerves.

“Mikazuki, I-“

And he hushed him quiet. Taking back his right hand he took his sleeve and cleaned the dried blood from Nikkari’s nose and lip. He even took a moment to fix his straying hair before he said to him:

“Souza wants to see you. And I advise you not to keep him waiting.”

Nikkari never really knew what it felt like to be a son, but for a moment he felt like he was assured like one would be from a parent. It wasn’t much but as long as he had Mikazuki’s support, he knew he was going to do this somehow.

Even if he couldn’t, even if he wasn’t ready to see whose child he was now destined to raise, he needed to be there for Souza. If Souza wanted him there he was going to be there.

That’s what he promised him, right? To be there. And as Mikazuki said, he wanted him there.

So there he was with a hand upon Souza’s final blockade. After this there would be no more hiding. There would be no more secrets and no more mystery. His fingers fell so lightly upon the polished wood of the shoji, and for a moment he had to listen to his own breathing as an effort to control his trembles as much as possible. At the same time he felt Mikazuki standing behind him, watching him accomplish what had to be done.

He opened the door as delicately as he could letting the shuffle of wood against wood merely graze the air around them. He was fearful that any sort of noise may disturb whatever lay within. It wasn’t until he heard the clack of the door reaching its end that he decided to look up.

And there he was; soft, delicate, and beautiful as ever. Everything fell over him like elegant draperies. The strands of his pink hair lay like rivers over his shoulders. The robe of grey hanging over his thin shoulders but loose enough to expose the length of the front of his body. The arms covered with the thin sleeves crossed just beneath his chest. The stray strands lost from the tie in his hair even framed around his blushing face. All that was left unseen were his legs beneath the humbling white sheets and the dazzling glow of his eyes.

Souza despite all obvious exhaustion was so intent on the little cluster of white he held in his arms. He held it in his left elbow, and it was there he saw why Kousetsu was called. He too was enthralled with it, so much so he had yet to notice Nikkari’s entry.

Kousetsu stood to Souza’s left, right above the wrap of white. It almost looked like an introduction. Souza was showing him what he held so carefully in his grasp, and Nikkari could see he was loving every moment of it. He couldn’t take his eyes away when he saw Kousetsu take his hand to hover it over the little swaddle.

To see a small, blushing hand take hold of Kousetsu’s gaunt finger send Nikkari’s heart into a rhythm almost too strong for his chest.

It was there. He really was there. The remaining curve of Souza’s pregnancy was irrelevant now because beneath those blankets was the face in the picture of black and white they received those weeks ago.

The thrum of his heartbeat got even more unruly as Souza’s sights left the newborn and to him.

The remnants of his efforts had yet to fade, leaving a well deserved sheen upon his skin. And then the two gazes of those reared of dark pasts locked exchanging a new moment between one another. For once it seemed their roles switched; where Nikkari was the one to support with an effortless smile, Souza took the place. This time to assure Nikkari it was okay.

Souza called to him with a throaty hum. Carefully balancing the babe in his left arm, Souza took his right and held it out towards where Nikkari stood, offering him to take the place beside him, to his right.

Nikkari took a deep breath and composed himself as best he could. After all, he didn’t want Souza to see how much he was shaking.

The walk was a long one, at least it felt like it. Instead of looking towards the baby, he kept his eyes glued to Souza’s stare and how his eyes held the purity of a spring sky.

As soon as Nikkari made it to his side, Kousetsu silently took his leave (to aid Yagen who was busy tidying things up), leaving the two of them somewhat alone. Nikkari took it upon himself to speak first.

“How are you feeling?” It was the most relevant question he could think of.

“I’m alright,” he said. And to that he said nothing more.

It was then Nikkari offered how the remaining curve of his belly was left bare, and so he offered a blanket to cover him, if he were cold.

“Nikkari,” he said with almost a whisper, seeing what he was doing. His smile was almost playful, as if Nikkari’s discomfort was some sort of joke. “Take a look at your son.”

The tingles in his hands started up once again and he felt a nervous heat take over his face. With the prompt-to he flicked his gaze to the cloths in Souza’s gasp and there…

Well. There he was.

He looked so fake. So unreal, small and plastic. The way his cheeks forced his small lips closed, and how his eyes remained closed shut. It was one thing to see it in greyscale on a screen in a doctor’s office, but to see it in the flesh… Souza’s baby, the little person that was there this whole time slept in his arms now.

Souza called him his son, but… there was no telling if that were true. Because what he saw, what was clear through the blanket was that the child took a lot after Souza; the top of his head was a downy shade of pink. But that was no proof on who the father was, and it tore him apart deep down.

He kept calling him his son, but there was no telling if that were really true. He would feel so selfish if he took advantage of Souza’s daze and belief that he is indeed his.

But Souza didn’t even seem bothered by it.

“For a man who sees ghosts you look terribly frightened. Just look.”

He was shocked at how easy Souza was taking this. He was shocked he could so easily show the child that might not be his. He knew he should be doing the same but he just didn’t have the heart to. He just couldn’t pretend like this wasn’t an issue. So he just started shaking his head, saying “But… Souza-“

“No.   Look.” And he started shifting the small body in his arms. The little thing was a bit disturbed by the movement, but Souza was so careful. All he had to do was loosen the blanket a bit. And he lifted the small head just enough to give Nikkari an eye to the back. He ran his finger across the little patch right above the nape of his neck. It was a patch much darker than the rest of his rosey head.

“Do you see that?” Souza asked, looking back at him, and he felt his lips part in shock. “It’s green, Nikkari. This is your son.”

My… Son?

The vibrations in his finger guided him to the little human sleeping in the uchigatana’s arms. He wanted to feel him, to see if that child there really was the child that has been in question for so long and… Gods he was so warm. He breathed his small breaths beneath his cold fingertips.

Months. Months filled with uncertainty and blind promises just came to a close. This meant so many things. So many great things. Saying it was overwhelming would have been an understatement.

It was so easy for this to turn south and become the worst case scenario. Nikkari mended the tear by taking the position of father knowing that role was not meant for Hasebe. But how difficult that was still going to be for both him and Souza.

That didn't matter anymore. Souza was no longer physically tied to Heshikiri. It meant Souza fulfilled his wish to separate from his past.

And… And now the two of them were eternally bonded. They created something together. And that might have been the most beautiful part of all of this.

There were no words to describe the swirl of emotion that overtook Nikkari then and there. For years after this moment he would try to explain it to all of those anticipating fathers of the citadel, that moment he was told he truly had a son. Having a child meant so much, and not just for that reason alone. It meant that for once his past for once didn’t hold him back from having something he wanted. But that emotion… Elation just wouldn’t cut it. There was also that sort of overwhelming unpreparedness to accept something like this. That formed a lump in his throat.

In days to come he would try so many times to explain it, but he just couldn’t. That feeling was one that would forever be his own. And he was okay with that. For once everything seemed okay. And it seemed like Souza was okay too. Exhaustion slowly overcame him, though, more and more with every second that past. But nothing kept his eyes from his baby. After minutes of quiet he did notice something overcome Souza. Nikkari couldn’t blame him as he started to shed a few tears as his exhaustion caught up with him. His chest quivered as his eyes welled, and the best way for Nikkari to deal with it was to place a kiss on the side of his head.

Souza’s widened eyes reminded him of how uncalled for that must have been. His heart almost stopped as he realized he just overstepped that line he knew Souza tried to keep. So he stepped back, trying to reconstruct the boundaries of Souza’s comfort. He stuttered to explain himself, but Souza got to it first. Unfortunately his emotions got a little heavy.

“Nikkari I... I’m so sorry. I… I should have said this earlier... I think I…”

Souza was struggling, and as a result he started feeling a pang of certain regret in acting so fast on instinct. It seemed to make him so flustered.

“Oh no no. Please don’t apologize. I… Don’t know what I was thinking.”

“But… But Nikkari… I-”

He had to hush him quiet. He knew what he was trying to say. He didn’t need Souza exerting himself more than he had to. He may have loved Souza with all of his heart, and the one final thing he could have desired was his love back. But just as Souza didn’t want to feel obligation on his end because of the baby, it would be unfair if Nikkari did the same. Souza just gave him a son. It would be greedy to ask for his love too when he wasn’t ready to give it.

“It’s okay,” he assured. “I will wait. I will wait until you are ready.”

Effort suddenly burned through exhaustion. With his remaining arm (and energy) Souza pulled Nikkari down, closer and closer to his face until his lips forced against his own. It lasted for a moment, but the shock it left him in felt like it would reverberate for days to come, and it seemed to leave Souza breathless too.

“I’m sorry I… Didn’t earlier… I was scared. I…”

“It’s okay,” Nikkari said again, a bit skittish from that spontaneous show of affection. “But you didn’t have to-”

“I didn’t,” Souza sighed. “But I’ve wanted to for a long time.”

Remaining tears were forced from his eyes as he bore a warm smile, saying himself that everything was indeed okay. It was then a little whine peeped up from the crook of his elbow. Neither of them noticed when Mikazuki reentered the room until he too heard the child’s whimpers. According to him it was time for the child to be fed. And so he went to his other side and offered guidance on how to go about feeding his son.

Nikkari offered to leave them to privacy, but Souza called him ridiculous. So he stayed and watched as Mikazuki showed him how to prompt the baby to latch, and here he was blessed with the experience of watching Souza’s first real contact with his child.

He felt it ironic that he chose to feed him with his left breast. It was strange to see such a pure little thing feeding from such a dark mark.

Did Souza not even think about it?

It was strange, this moment Nikkari watched transpire. It was really then he noticed how much the world of this citadel was slowly changing. There purpose here was to fight a war. They were weapons, but here one of the great swords of Japan, who was expecting a child for the second time, teaching one of the blades owned by the Demon King how to feed his newborn baby. It was just strange, because who knew how many more moments there were going to be henceforth? How much was this going to make them deviate from their original purpose?

Their lives really were becoming more than just living for war. And… It felt really good. Strange, but good.

And as the child settled in for his feeding and Mikazuki kept a watchful (but not too invasive) eye on the new parent, Souza shared the same sentiments, in his own way of course.

A bit of the blanket fell off of the baby’s wrap, and it revealed a dark patch on his hip. It raised a bit of concern, but his nerves rested easy as Souza spoke with his calm tongue in response to his curiosity.

“What… is this?”

“Apparently a birthmark, and a rather large one at that.”

That it was. It almost covered his entire left hip. To Nikkari it seemed more a tattoo than a birthmark. It almost paired with Souza’s brand.

“Hmmm. It looks like a Rorschach.”

“It does… doesn’t it? So then, what do you see?”

How Souza asked, it seemed like a little game. So he played it. He looked at the mark carefully, and said the first thing he saw.

“A butterfly.”

“Funny,” Souza remarked. “I saw the same thing.”

“A butterfly…” Mikazuki came in, taking his own look at the little mark. “A symbol of delicacy and undying love.” Mikazuki did have a way of making things sound poetic. And it tossed an unspoken thought between Nikkari and Souza’s subconscious.

It was fitting, especially as Nikkari noticed how it was a complete butterfly, not a single wing like Souza’s own. Yes, the blackness of it twisted a subtle nerve in Nikkari’s heart for he thought he could hear an echo of voices he noticed some weeks ago. But the thought of this being a sign that things were complete meant something more than that.

With so many subtle traits taken from Souza, it really hit him that it really was Souza’s son. And it was going to be interesting finally accepting that he was his too.

Oh but he was going to relish it. He was going to relish every moment thereafter as he raised his son into adulthood because he was a father. A true father with the person who meant the world to him.

It finally all felt complete.

“I’m… So tired…” Souza finally said as silence became dominant in their ears. And with that Nikkari let a smile graze his lips once more as he brushed back Souza’s bangs as he slowly let sleep overcome him.

“You’ve been through a lot,” he said. “Rest.”

And so, slowly but surely he did, leaving Nikkari to once again ponder his thoughts.

Then all of a sudden, it felt like their one night together really was destined to be. On New Years Nikkari thought they could find something together to help each other get over their pain. He never thought it would be a baby, but it was. And he will never regret where it landed them this day.

It was the day they no longer had to be afraid of the child’s cry.

Chapter Text

Spring has finally come again. And with spring came hard work and time spent away from his son. But Souza always told Shizennocho he would always come back to him, even if he were out for days on a mission for the master.

Souza was so lucky to have such an understanding son when those times came around.

Thankfully today all he had to do was meet with Aruji about some business (it was actually one of his monthly meetings with Aruji in regards to how Shii was doing), so that only lasted a short fifteen minutes, maybe even less. With that he left his boy to his own devices while he went to see Aruji. Usually he’d prefer him stay with Nikkari, but it wouldn’t be the first time he trusted his son to stay alone.

He had been reprimanded by a few of his colleagues (mostly Kasen) a few times about leaving Shii on his own (him only being three years of age and all), but he was never worried when Shizennocho was out of his sight. Unlike his Munechika predecessors, Shizennocho had a tendency to stay in one place. Where Nichibotsune and Kagayahoshi would sprint away and hide from his parents whenever they got the chance, Shizennocho liked to find a place he could sit in all day, staring off and taking in his surroundings, perhaps flipping through his favorite book or coloring in blank pages of whatever caught his interest for the day.  Some days his silence seemed to consume him, for whole days at a time. For a time his taciturnity caused concern, but that was just who he was: he preferred quietly snuggling against his father’s breast as opposed to making a loud mess in the dirt. Running away and mischief just did not make its way into his childlike demeanor. So if he were to be out of sights for a moment or so, it was just a matter of looking at all corners of the citadel until he was found again.

The only obstacle that came from his quiet attitude was that sometimes he could be so quiet it was easy to walk past him if you weren't looking close enough. He truly was a uncanny combination of a Samonji and an Aoe. Luckily his bright spring palette caught the eye in a moment, just as it did today.

Souza turned the corner and saw the spring sun dusting his son’s pink hair in a glistening powder, overlaying the deep emerald that fell from the upper nape of his neck. His head hung over to look down where a book much larger than his own lap lay and his ever growing strands of hair brushed the sides of his face.

Souza took a moment to watch him sitting in the sun. With a smile on his lips he stepped forward to meet with him. Without a word Souza sat next to his boy on the veranda, careful to not break Shii’s steadfast concentration.

Noticing his father was there, he turned his head to look up at his father with his shockingly-gemlike gaze. The gold of his left eye locked his stare, and the green of his right held him tight. They were wide and enticing, capable of holding so much emotion it was almost overwhelming. Today they reflected the warmth of the day around them, giving his little “hello” to Souza an especially innocent warmth.

“What do you have there?” the Uchigatana asked leaning over the little boy’s shoulder, showing his interest in the book he decided to open. However Souza knew full well what his son was reading. There was very little chance of it being any other book. After all, this one was his favorite.

Still being so young, Shizennocho could not read. But what he could do was (and very well in fact) identify and match images with their respective names. Sure, that was something most children could do, but Shii’s favorite book here was one about butterflies. There were all kinds of species and families in there and by the efforts of cause and effect Shii became what you could call a “butterfly-identifying expert.”

Neither he nor Nikkari knew how he came across it, but nevertheless somehow he became enthralled by it and never put it down. Very soon after he found it he started asking his parents what the characters above each butterfly said, and eventually he started memorizing them alongside the images.

In short, this book was his favorite. He opened it every chance he had, and that meant he also loved sharing his new findings with those close to him and this is in essence why Souza asked him about it.

Shii didn’t say anything in response to the question but made quick of his hands on the book’s wearing pages. He flipped back and forth, looking for something, and once he found the right page he pointed to the characters above his selected butterfly and looked up again to Souza, wide eyes begging for an answer to his silent question.

“ Ko-misuji ,” Souza said. “‘ Named after its small size and the three white bands on its wings .’”

A glitter appeared in his eyes as he looked back down at his book and repeated the name: “ Ko-misuji.”

These moments always warmed Souza’s heart. Something so small like the name of a butterfly could make his son light up so.

“Do you like that one, Shii?”

Shizennocho didn’t say anything with his words, but instead looked up ahead of him looking across the field before them. He lifted his small arm and pointed forward, staring off with a strong intent. It was then a voice belonging to neither of them came up behind their seats on the veranda.

Nikkari never did like to announce himself.

“What do you see there?” he asked, now taking his turn to lean down somewhat over his son’s shoulder with a curiosity as to what he saw.

Shii never moved. When he saw something, he saw something, and he would never give up until someone saw it with him.

“A butterfly,” was all the boy said.

“A butterfly?” Nikkari echoed as he sat himself on the veranda as well, taking the space on his son’s left. He leaned forward to perhaps get a better sight on what Shii was seeing… if he was indeed seeing anything at all.

It always felt a little strange to Souza when the two could see something he couldn’t.

Then luckily Souza caught sight of a small black mass flutter from the grass, and he felt relief wash over him in one swift motion.

“Oh, there is a butterfly, isn’t there?” Souza’s laugh failed at hiding that hiccup of nervousness his thoughts bore.

Thankfully his son didn’t notice his concern. Instead Shizennocho expressed a calm contentedness and even a pride that they saw his butterfly too. And it seemed like he just wanted them to watch it with him. So they did.

Shizennocho always seemed to be looking off at things no one else could see. Time and time again Nikkari and Souza would notice their boy falling into concentrated silence. It was actually Kasen who noticed it first, for he was watching Shii one day when he started talking about his “new friend.” Of course first thought was that he had developed an imaginary friend, but it never seemed to stay at Shii’s side like an imaginary friend would. It was then Nikkari started feeling uneasy about things himself and soon it was evident Shii not only inherited Nikkari’s green hair and golden eye, but he also gained his ability to see the dead.

Although living with this fact for awhile now, Souza was still uneasy about the entire subject, for it was still something he didn't completely understand himself, hence as why he got so nervous when he couldn’t see what Shii was pointing at earlier. Truthfully the only thing keeping Souza’s own nerves at bay was that Shizennocho was not frightened by what he saw at all. So what good would it do if he showed fear and in turn taught Shii to fear his ability? He may get aggravated when no one would see what he saw, but other than that it caused him no issues.

Souza did believe though that there was more to his fascination with butterflies than their pretty colors and spring associations, and the realization he could see spirits made him believe they went hand in hand. It was like he had a connection to butterflies, something that made his existence almost symbiotic with them. There was more to them then them just being “butterflies” and more to them than just being his namesake.

“You know, Shii,” Nikkari said as they all kept an eye on the little fluttering butterfly in the distance. “They say the butterfly is the messenger between those still living on Earth and those whose spirits have passed on.”

The boy tilted his head in curiosity and Souza’s own ears perked as the words so suddenly left his partner’s lips. They were intentional, he knew it. Sure, discussions of passing on may have been unconventional, but Shizennocho was not like other children. He was going to need to know about this lest he become terrified of what he didn’t understand. And now seemed to be a good time to revisit that subject.

“When someone passes away,” he continued, “they turn into a butterfly to tell those who love them they’re okay.”

“Are they ghosts?” Shizennocho asked, prompted by curiosity.

Nikkari chuckled before he answered. “Something like that. But… more peaceful.”

A heavy thought entered the boy’s mind. And for a moment he pondered it, looking out towards the graceful little insect as he did so.

“Butterflies are good, right Daddy?”

“Of course,” Souza took over and replied. “I mean, you are named after them after all.”

There was a silent satisfaction with the answer, and with that Shizennocho closed his heavy book and motioned to Nikkari to ask him to hold it for him. Free from the weight of its pages he crawled from his seat and strattled Souza’s lap, and without a word his little fingers reached for the hem of his magenta robe on the hunt for his father’s black mark. Once revealed in the light he spread his fingers over it, feeling for it just as one would feel for a heartbeat. He would turn his head, and look deeper as if he never saw it before. Then he took his hand back and found himself going after the zipper on his own small track jacket, pulling it down until he could open it all the way. And then reaching the hem of his pants he showed his own mark.

He looked up at Souza again with those glassy eyes, holding such an innocence and a hope for something reassuring to that question he apparently asked himself.

“Ko-misuji?”

Sometimes his son was too sweet for words.

“It might be,” Souza replied. “It just might be.”

Then something new seemed to enter Shii’s mind, and he curled on Souza’s lap and looked back towards where the butterfly fluttered away. Souza eyed Nikkari for a moment, and his eyes held something too. It was a silent knowing, something about what he was thinking before about Shii’s abilities and the butterflies he found so enthralling. The soft, quick glance to Souza told him that here again was some strange assurance to their suspicions.

Then as soon as they broke their glance and they returned to looking at the little butterfly, Nikkari shuffled over closer to the two and noticed something Shii would especially enjoy.

“Oh look, he’s coming this way!”

Shizennocho’s whole air evolved into that of immense excitement as they all watched the small insect flutter over to greet its audience. He flipped around on Souza’s lap, facing forward now to see. With his own sort of delicacy, Shii held out his finger in hopes of making contact with his little muse. And to his delight it followed his wishes and perched on his small finger, causing his lips to spread in a blissful smile releasing a soft giggle.

It was short lived, however, for the butterfly seemed to be a fickle creature and decided to fly away as soon as it came. But Nikkari would have none of that sadness that grew within his son’s eyes as his new little friend made his departure.

“Come,” he said, standing up from the veranda’s ledge and placing the precious book in his stead. He held his hand out to Shizennocho who still clung to Souza’s breast. “Let’s go get a closer look.” He turned to Souza. “Would you like to come?”

He humbly declined to allow Nikkari to have his moment with his son, so he said he’ll watch the book until they get back.

Shii was quick to leap off of Souza’s lap and taking his father’s hand they strolled across the field, leaving Souza to watch them in their endeavor. He saw Nikkari insist they keep quiet so not to scare the little thing. Once they reached a few safe paces away from where the butterfly perched in the grass, Nikkari knelt down to their son’s height and started whispering to him about who knows what.

Nikkari was so good with him. From the day he was born to the day he took his first steps and to now Nikkari provided him with a love no one else could provide. He gave Shii everything: his interest, his time, and his patience. He taught him the importance of smiling and started him on the path of acceptance and contentment despite the things life might throw at him. He would spoil him from time to time, but to be fair Souza did too.

It was hard not to with a boy like theirs. So quiet, so delicate. He was so appreciative of the world around him it was hard to not want to let him experience everything.

Every day that passed he felt so blessed that Nikkari came to him that New Year’s night and gave him the gift that was Shizennocho. But it also reminded him of those dark days where he would shut himself away, trying to pretend Shii wasn’t there. These memories made it so hard for him to return to his former room. How much remorse and guilt he clung to for trying to pretend this sweet child didn’t exist! He was told not to blame himself for that because he was thrown into quite the situation, but the tears sometimes came too fast for him to control.

But if there was one thing he didn’t regret was the fact that he had Shizennocho now. And there will never be a day that he will.

To be able to watch this little spirit grow and learn, to be able to hold his little body close to him in times of laughter and strife, to watch him bask in the sun and enjoy the little nuances life had to offer. Sometimes he felt too blessed for how could someone like him deserve this little life they began? How could he deserve Nikkari’s love and dedication and the honor it was to be “mother” of his son?

Shizennocho came when he needed him the most. At the time it seemed to be the exact opposite, but if he never had Shii, it was possible he would still hold that burdening tie to his past. It was still there, of course. But Shizennocho held the future in his hands. He opened up the door in that dark, unending tunnel that led to the light of hope. He didn’t have ties to former masters, wars, or code. Everyday was a step further into the future. Everyday was new and further from the past. Shizennocho was a butterfly born with both of his wings, a feeling Souza always dreamed he would have.

Just as a butterfly came by and told mortals things were going to be okay, Shizennocho came and gave Souza his own new sort of hope, one that allowed him to bask in the warm spring sun with those he cared for most.

So he watched Nikkari and Shii kneel close to the butterfly in the grass. He watched them smile at one another, and he saw the love in Nikkari’s eyes for their little boy.

To think he almost refused Nikkari of being his child’s father. Imagine what would have happened if he told Nikkari to leave that day he gifted him with that kimono?

It took so much to get here. He went through Hell and back after all. But all along Mikazuki was right. He would never give it up for anything.

There were days he felt fear for what his son was to face in this life of war and spirits. He will forever fear the day he goes out to the front lines for the first time. He will forever fear the day Shii comes to face true pain and sadness and Souza was going to do all he could to protect him from that for as long as he could. But every time he gazed into those eyes and saw that deep contemplation that no young boy should have he knew he was not going to be immune to sorrow. No one knew what his abilities would bring to him, but somehow he knew his boy would still love the sunlight. He loved bright colors. He loved to be outside and just look at the beautiful things the world had to offer. If Souza’s long days of solitude and darkness and hiding at the start of Shii’s development didn’t stop him from loving things as such, somehow he knew nothing could stop him from continuing that enjoyment even if the world came crashing down on him.

It made him happy. He was so happy those choices he made resulted in something so good . He could even say he was proud, something he could never even dream of being during those days he cried in his brother’s arms so lost at what to do. He was so happy he and Nikkari had a such a beautiful son together, and never again will that blossom of joy be smothered for him.

Never.