Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Her Uncle’s words still rang in my ears.

With your status right now, do you think you can make her happy? What would happen if I’m not the one who found out about your relationship? Can you really come and comfort her immediately when she needs you the most, when she’s sad or in pain?

Just realizing what his words mean are like small knives being plunged on my chest over and over.

And yet, the gulf that stretched between us seemed to ring louder in my head than her Uncle’s words.

I pushed open the door to my classroom, my eyes automatically trailing to her seat.

It was empty.

It took all of my strength not to blurt out and ask where she is. Is she hurt? Sick? Or was she too broken-hearted to come and attend her lessons for today?

I’m the one who caused you too much pain.

I casually strode over to my desk and began my regular roll calls. But when I called out her name, only silence greeted me.

“Um, Sensei, Yosano is absent for today due to a fever.” Someone volunteered to answer.

“Noted.” I muttered as dispassionately as I could, crossing out her name from the student list. My pen hovered hesitantly over the paper, and I sneaked a glance and saw Mamura glaring at me from his seat, before turning away to look at the window.

Likewise, her friend, Yuyuka Nekota was looking at me with a disappointed expression. When she caught me looking at her, she slid her blank expression on and continued to stare back at me as if I never existed.

They knew what happened between Yosano and I.

I continued with my roll call, visibly shaken inside; ashamed even. I am an adult who should have known better. An adult who is supposed to have better grip on his emotions. But I am ashamed to categorize myself as an adult because I feel like a kid crying inside.

Chun-chun deserves a better someone rather than me. The twisting feeling on my chest stayed with me the whole day.

Chapter Text

There was a time that I believe that majority of the girls are immature. I’ve had my share of awkward moments with such girls as I was growing up; more so when I started my university days and when I made my career as a teacher.

They viewed things with such wide-eyed wonder through rose-colored spectacles. They believe so much about love at first sight, first loves never die, or everything will be all right as long as they are in love. But when they crash and burn, they turn vengeful and cynical, unreasonable sometimes.

The first time I saw Chun-chun again, I was struck by the difference a week makes after not reporting to school due to a supposed fever.

Suzume Yosano turned from a girl into a woman.

Everything still looks the same from a normal bystander’s point of view. But from a conflicted young man like me who is torn between doing what is right and proper to being hopelessly, addictively, in love with her, the subtle changes hold a deeper meaning.

Suzume Yosano wore her hair loose the first day she was back. I was expecting her to tie those silky strands into a pair of constricting pigtail braids to show how angry she is that I jilted her. You can just imagine how hard I tried not to look at her with such hunger and longing. That deep brown hair falling like a curtain to hide her brilliant blue eyes; her long, sweeping eyelashes; the Cupid’s bow mouth.

I wanted to reach out and touch her, feeling my heart being crushed slowly, unable to accept the scene unfolding before me.

Suzume Yosana is healing her broken heart gracefully after I carelessly shattered it.

I guess I deserve what I am going through now.

Chapter Text

I stared at the piece of silk on my hand.

I’ve been staring at it for half an hour. I know I will be late, but I don’t seem to care for the moment.

Should I wear it? Or not.

I closed my eyes and found myself being haunted by her blue eyes.

No. It would only confuse her if I wear it today. Have I not hurt her enough?

I dropped the tie reluctantly on the bed and turned to grab a somber navy blue from my closet.

The sushi tie may be garish, given by a special girl with no taste. But it’s precious to me. Because she gave it while her head is filled with precious thoughts of me.

I successfully tied the piece of silk around the collars of my neck and stared at the mirror, noting the melancholic expression on my face.

Sushi ties are supposed to make the wearer jolly.

But I don’t feel jolly when I see it. I feel like crying.

Chapter Text

Suzume Yosano.

I stared back at the name written neatly on top of the paper I was holding. I knew I shouldn’t be spending my Saturday afternoon grading history essays, but if I don’t do them now, I would be facing a mountain of paperwork by next week.

My hand brushed the back of the paper. And I felt the indentations made by the ballpoint pen behind.

It was obvious that she spent some time pondering on what to answer on question number 23, due to the fact that she doodled a bit on the sides of the paper.

I have encountered so many things a student does on his or her test papers that nothing seems to surprise me anymore. Some students will scribble names of their crushes on the sides; plans for a meeting during the weekend; a name of a plushy toy shop a few blocks away. Sometimes I look forward to the things they write at the edges. It tells a lot about my students.

I tapped rear end of my pen, still holding Chun-Chun’s paper. Her papers are only filled with doodles. Endless curls, circles and crisscrossing lines. My finger traced her name.

Suzume Yosano’s paper reflects her confusion and sadness.

A drop of water splashed her name, and the ink spread into a spidery flower formation.

I wiped away the traces left behind by my single tear. I quickly graded her test and shoved it between the piles of finished tests as if my hands were scorched.

I hurt her. And her hurt and sadness seems to seep into the sheet I was holding moments ago.

Chapter Text

Bright, sparkly and old fashioned. It’s gold, green and yellow colors beckoned to me. I could not resist picking it up.

A small exquisite-looking music box sitting on the 4^th shelf of a glass display a few feet away from me. It caught my eye instantly, and before I knew it, I was picking it up and holding it for a closer inspection.

The box is made of enamel, with yellow roses painted on the sides, ivy leaves decorated with green crystal. I flicked the brass lock open and a small girl bedecked in a green flowing dress, her arms poised outward stared back at me.

Such a beautifully made porcelain figure.

The music box cranked a melodious sound, and I could not help but smile.

Chun-chun will love this!

My smile faltered. What the hell was I thinking?

Reluctantly, my hand lowered. About to place the box down and close the lid, instead, I smelled freesias and apple blossoms.

I whirled about, half-expecting to find her standing behind me. Instead, I saw a girl about her height, walked past me.

Suzume Yosano may not be cursing me for hurting her, but fate sure has a way of reminding me just how much damaged I had done to a young girl’s heart. I even see her when I’m not supposed to.

The girl I followed with my eyes turned slightly, and I recognized her profile.

It is really her. My jaw dropped.

Suzume Yosano looked incredibly pretty with her hair combed to shiny perfection; eyes dolled up and expertly curled. A hint of blush on her cheeks, a trace of pink on her lips.

Her friend probably made her up, I thought as my eyes ate their fill of her.

Did she not notice me in the shop? Am I no longer visible to her?

I shouldn’t be here. I was just browsing around the shop looking for a gift on a Saturday afternoon. I did not realize that the shop I went into is popular on high school students.

Suzume moved away and disappeared around the corner. I made a gesture of following her, but decided against it. Even though I am not officially a professor during the weekends, I still need to get a grip on myself not to pounce on her. I have her reputation to think of. And mine.

“Sir? Are you buying that?”

The query startled me, and I looked down to see the music box I was admiring rests on my hands as I stand in front of the counter.

My face reddened in embarrassment. I nodded sheepishly, placing the box carefully and pulling out my wallet, prepared to pull out a wad of my precious money.

Surprisingly, the box is on sale. My brow knotted together unable to believe my eyes.

It cost even less than I anticipated. In fact it was quite cheap for such an exquisite box.

Are they insane? The box should have cost a lot more! I cringed inwardly, counting my change as the woman wrapped the box with protective bubble sheet before placing it inside a white cardboard box.

“For a gift?” she fluttered expectantly.

“Yes.” I blurted out.

The woman needs no further information. She placed the white cardboard box inside a pretty purple and black wrapping paper before expertly tying it with a lacy white ribbon.

I stumbled out of the shop, somewhat still astonished by my fortunate [or is it unfortunate?] find. I was even bracing myself for the call from the assistant to tell me they made a mistake on the price of the box.

But they never did.

I peered down at the wrapped present and sighed.

When I looked up, my eyes instantly met hers.

Suzume Yosano is looking at me directly. I found myself holding my breath. My heart racing like mad.

She turned away when someone called her name, quickly disappearing into the crowd of shoppers.

Our eye contact was brief. It was over in a second. My racing heart slowed down to its usual dull ache.

I wish.. I thought fervently. I wish things could have been different.

Clutching the paper bag, I turned away in the opposite direction, defeated and crushed. The prospect of shopping and keeping my mind off her is no longer feasible.

Chapter Text

“Owww!”

I looked up from where I was sitting inside the teacher’s office, red pen hovering over today’s quiz papers, partially finished with grading. Classes ended a half hour ago, though students take the remaining two hours to attend on club activities and make-up projects before the school grounds official closes its gates for the day.

“What happened?” Chigara-sensei placed another thick pile of binded reports on top of her table as she bends down to look.

From where I sat, Chigara-sensei’s table is a few paces away from mine, and I can see Suzume Yosano putting a finger in her mouth.

“Oh, Suzume, don’t be so careless. I have a staple wire remover here. You don’t need to use your finger to separate the sheets.” My colleague sighed. She normally asks some of her students to help prepare her things and learning materials. And today so happened to be her turn to help out.

Just letting the half hour tick by is a complete waste of time. Even as I tried so hard to concentrate on checking the test papers on hand, I keep on fidgeting in my seat, trying not look at her.

I gave up.

I continued to stare at Suzume’s figure. Her back is facing my table. Her uniform looks rumpled and slightly messy. Suzume Yosano is one girl who never cares much about her appearance as long as she is comfortable. Other girls her age wouldn’t be caught dead in such a condition. They would always try to be neat and impeccable always. Which is wrong, really. For even if they try to look their best, they are missing out on a lot of things by staying put and avoiding movement that will compromise their carefully prepped looks.

“Go to the clinic and get some band aids to cover the wound. And for heaven’s sake! Don’t suck on it like a child!” Shaking her head in exasperation, Chigara-sensei pushed the chair she was sitting on and stood up. “I’m going to the ladies’ room. Finish the rest and you can go home.”

“Sure.” Unperturbed by her gentle scolding, Suzume continued to suck on her finger, watching sensei until she was out of the room.

As soon as the door closed behind her, she bend down her head and began to tidy up the papers in front of her, stapling sounds dominating the room.

There was only me and her now occupying the teacher’s office. I wonder if she is even aware I’m still inside?

I promised myself I wouldn’t touch her again. I promised myself I will only talk to her as a sensei. But this overwhelming sense of wanting to grab her and haul her inside the nearest storage closet rattled my nerves. How very easy would it be to force myself on her and make her cry again?

Shame on you Shishio Makoto.

Without even thinking, my hands automatically went to the second drawer of my desk and pulled out a small box.

The low sound generated by the drawer made Suzume sat up straight. But she did not turned her head like so, instead, finishing her work as fast a she could. I watched her staple several papers in record speed, and the pile on her side began to thin.

So she was aware of me after all. My heart began to pound like a roaring hammer in my ears.

And before I knew it. I was standing behind her in a flash, startling her by my sudden movement, the disturbance in the air lifting a few strands of her hair away from her face, that she dropped the stapler she is holding with a loud clatter.

“Wash your wounds before you go and cover it with these.” I said to her, my voice deep and husky. She is so close. I only need to reach out with my hand and I would be able to touch her petal-soft skin again, run a finger on her lower jaw, bend my head to inhale her heady, clean scent.

Suzume Yosana looked up at me, expression blank, her big blue eyes hypnotizing me. She was neither smiling nor frowning and I found myself looking down at her moist lips.

So close and yet so far. A great, big sigh escaped between my lips.

“Thanks.” She said in a normal tone of voice. She was not even breathless, nor sounding even squeaky. She acted like she is still in a classroom. My presence did not even made her anxious or flustered!

My face began to warm a little with embarrassment. You fool! I told myself. Don’t ruin this for her! Stop confusing her!

I took a step back, intent on leaving her to finish her work. I can smoke outside and let her leave first. It’s fairly obvious, at least to myself that I wanted to touch her so very badly. I don’t want to give her the impression that I am such a cad for harassing a student.

Still, seeing her up close is good. Maybe tonight, when I go to sleep I will touch her all I want and no one will prevent me.

My jaw tightened, and I pivoted on my heel, only to be caught by her hand reaching out to pull at the sleeve of my polo shirt.

Confused, heart on my mouth, the look of surprise on my face made her blush a bit.

“Can you help me put it on my finger? I am too clumsy when it comes to these.” She gestured at the box.

I swallowed slowly. “Sure.” I said as nonchalantly as I could; yet my fingers trembled slightly. My insides going haywire. I feel like my heart is about to burst out of my chest.

I quickly grabbed the bottle of antiseptic and cottons balls that I have inside my personal medicine box. I’m the type who likes to be prepared, despite this school having a standard clinic to handle small emergency cases students get themselves into.

Quickly dousing the cotton ball with the antiseptic liquid, I took the hand she held out, noting the small scratch and deep puncture the stainless steel wire made on her finger. I tried to savor the feeling of our skin-to-skin contact. It’s been a long time since I held her slender hand.

“This won’t sting.” I told her reassuringly, as I began to wipe the wound and cleaned it. She sucked out most of the blood, but there are still some oozing out from the wound.

Finally satisfied that I cleaned it as best as I could, I threw the used cotton ball on the trash bin beside Chigara-sensei’s desk. Opening the box of band aids I dropped in front of her, I peeled off the wrapper and began to position it on her finger.

It was then that I finally notice her hand is trembling a little as well. Stunned by this discovery, I averted my gaze on the wound. My eyes caught her eyes.

And for that short second, I was taken back to the time I first realized how much I really, really like her.

I gulped, my ears reddening with warmth. Suzume Yosano’s eyes are so blue, they seemed to glow with inner fire. Will she slap me if I suddenly bend down to kiss her softly on the lips?

No, no, no!

I blinked, and the spell was suddenly broken. My fingers finished taping the band aid to cover the wound.

I held her hand for a moment. Only for a moment, and then I felt it slipped away from my grip.

“Thank you, Shishio-sensei.” She said in a soft voice, standing up and breezing past me, leaving a tiny trail of lily-scent perfume. Her hair floated about her shoulders. And as she glided away towards the door, opening it gently and closing it behind her, she never once looked back at me.

I stood there for quite some time, wondering for nth time, why the hell I let her go.

Chapter Text

“Damn!” I muttered to myself, starring at the pile of papers I still need to grade. Running a hand through my tousled hair, I stifled a sigh. And here I was looking forward to going home early when I remembered I still have one class to go.

Tapping my red pen a little impatiently, I pushed my chair back out and headed to the teacher’s lounge room. I need a cigarette to release the stress I’ve been feeling. That, plus lack of sleep. Get a grip old man!

Pulling a pack of unopened cigarettes, I removed the cellophane and tapped the box to breathe some air into the box before pulling out a stick.

Outside, the clouds continued to rumble, and the sky had turned into a dark overcast being split in several places by thunder and lightning.

I opened the sliding windows a little so I can blow my cigarette smoke out. The lounge area is empty. Half of the teachers have gone home or possibly wanted to avoid the heavy rains by leaving early. The remaining half are either busy with supervising the student clubs they are handling or doing left over paper works they weren’t able to finish last week. Like me.

I can see some of the students who are practicing in their respective sports clubs push in some last minute training before calling it a day. And even as the clouds swell with rainwater threatening to spill their contents any time, it’s a a somewhat calming sight for me to see students putting all their best efforts in school. I just hope that they retain the same enthusiasm when they become adults. Because sometimes, even putting on the same efforts, things just don’t work out the way we wanted it to.

I continued to let the minty taste of the stick run its course throughout my lungs. For a moment, I felt a little hypnotize by this arresting feeling. I really should control the number of cigarettes I inhale everyday. But ever since that disastrous break-up more than four months ago, my number of lighted sticks went from four to ten a day.

Just as I was about to flick away the half-finished stick, the clouds opened up and began to pour buckets of water down in thick sheets. All the activities on the school playing field ceased, as students happily scrambled about to run for shelter.

And as my eyes followed the students, counting each of them absentmindedly and checking that they are safe, along the covered walkway, a familiar figure walked unperturbed.

Like a surreal fairy princess that continues to haunt me in my dreams, Suzume Yosano made her way down her own path with self-assured confidence and quiet dignity.

I could see she is about to go home, holding her book bag over her shoulders. But at the end of the walkway, nearest to the gate, she stopped and began to rummage through her bag.

I could fairly guess with a certain amount of amusement what she is looking for: an umbrella.

And knowing Yosano, she probably forgot hers-again.

Suppressing the urge to smile, I shook my head instead. Well she did change, for the better at least. But some things about her still remain the same. I wonder if I should be happy about some of those. I felt like I’m the only one who still remembers how she is before I hurt her.

Finding she had no umbrella, she continued to stand there, watching the rain. Probably waiting for it to relent a little, just enough for her to walk back home or even take a bus at this atrocious weather.

I briefly considered ditching my work and wind up my trusty old car around the corner to catch her and bring her home. She would have no choice but to accept. With this kind of rain, it will not let up immediately. At least not for a while.

I turned, ready to get my keys when at the corner of my eye, I saw a bright spot of red among the sea of grey colors and water.

Daiki Mamura held out a large big umbrella, indicating for Yosano to get under it so he can take her home.

I stood against the window, feeling the droplets of water cold against my face. The cigarette I was puffing has died, and I eventually took it out of my mouth with my shaky fingers.

That familiar ache again on my chest.

Yosano took Mamura’s invitation without hesitation and stood close to him so as not to get wet. And they went out of the school gate slowly, appearing like a young couple in love. I watch until I could not see the red umbrella standing out against the drab, cold atmosphere of a rainy Monday afternoon.

I threw the wet cigarette stick out and shut the window closed. The pain in my chest hurt so much that I wasn’t able to breathe for a moment. When it subsided, I went back to the faculty office and sat down on my chair, took the topmost paper and began to scribble some notes and correction for my student’s test results. How long will the pain stay with me tonight?

Chapter Text

Every time I think of you
I always catch my breath
And I'm still standing here
And you're miles away
And I'm wondering why you left

I cringed at the man waiting pathetically in the rain, watching the woman he loved being hugged by his bestfriend. He looked like he was about to cry, and I turned my head, diverting my attention from the white screen in the darkened theatre.

Catching a movie with some of my friends was something like a last minute activity that I was reluctant to go. I had declined previously, but one of our friends called in sick, and for lack of nothing better to do on a Friday night, I decided to accept the invitation this time.

I thought the movie was supposed to be a pure action movie. I was not expecting the shot of romance. It was tastefully done, to be honest, however, watching some actor get its heart ripped out in such a manner reminds me painfully of what I am still going through.

There's a storm that's raging
Through my frozen heart tonight
I hear your name in certain circles
And it always makes me smile
I spend my time thinking about you
And it's almost driving me wild

Entering the burger joint with my friends, the song played in the movie was the same song being played inside the food establishment. I raised my eyebrows in recognition, but kept my mouth shut. I would hate to be such a spoilsport in the company of friends. Only a couple of them knew of my relationship with Suzume Yosano. I would like to keep the knowledge that way.

I plastered on a fake smile and grabbed my order of burger as soon as the my friend slid the trays of food in front of us. I should start bashing the characters to make me feel better at least. I know it’s a poor attempt to dismiss the song being played above the din of the crowd inside the restaurant.

And there's a heart that's breaking
Down this long distance line tonight
I ain't missing you at all
Since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you
No matter what I might say

After our dinner, we went our separate ways, jiggling the keys of my old, serviceable car, I made my way towards the parking lot. A light drizzle of rain began to fall. I quickened my footsteps and turned my coat up in the collar. Pretty soon, I was inside my car, fumbling about to start the car with the key in the ignition.

The car’s radio sprang to life. And I almost groaned out loud with the song being played.

There's a message in the wire
And I'm sending you this signal tonight
You don't know, how desperate I've become
And it looks like I'm losing this fight
In your world, I have no meaning
Though I'm trying hard to understand

I leaned back against the driver’s seat, admitting defeat. If fate is trying to tell me something, I’m listening now. It’s telling me how much a fool I’ve been, I get it now. When will it stop?!

And it's my heart that's breaking
Down this long distance line
But I ain't missing you at all
Since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you
No matter what my friends say

I let out a slow exhale, watching the rain pour down in torrents outside my car, making my breath all foggy and warm. Placing my hands on the driving wheel, the car continued its hum, warming its engine. My heart, when will it stop aching? I can’t force it to hum like a car’s engine. I’ve been running around in circles, trying to convince myself I did the right thing. But if I did the right thing by breaking up with her, why the hell I’m still stuck like this? This unbearable longing is driving me crazy.

And there's a message that I'm sending out
Like a telegraph to your soul
And if I can't bridge this distance
Stop this heartbreak overload

I ain't missing you at all
Since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you
No matter what my friends say
I ain't missing you
I ain't missing you
I can lie to myself

I missed her. So terribly. God, why didn’t you make me younger? Or her older? Then things would have been simple. I felt tears brim my eyelids and I sniff back my tears.

I watched the rain outside continue to pour, relentless and raging. So much like the storm inside my chest. I should stop lying to myself and admit I’m a wreck without Suzume Yosano.

And there's a storm that's raging
Through my frozen heart tonight
I ain't missing you at all
Since you've been gone
I ain't missing you
No matter what my friends say

Ain't missing you
I ain't missing you
I ain't missing you
I keep lying to myself
Ain't missing you
I ain't missing you
I ain't missing you

Chapter Text

My eyebrows were sky-high as I perused the list of things and stuff needed to do, frowning and muttering like a possessed person.

Decorations

Catering

Security

Program

There were someone else’s scribble next to the list, adding items such as tables, chairs, invitations and waivers [to be sent out to the students parents and guardians to obtain their permission to let their kids attend the event], etc, etc.

Why the heck did I volunteer to help organize this event again? I asked myself for the nth time. Who would want to immerse oneself into organizing a dance event before the start of the Christmas holidays roll over. I already have a ton of work to do, grading papers and reading the students’ history essays. Whatever made him raise his hand during the weekly teacher meeting?

The school has announced a special Christmas dance party after the student council managed to persuade the school superintendents to allow them to organize the event. The announcement was made a week ago, and the volunteer organizers have begun putting up posters all over the campus. Most of the students planned to attend and the excitement was like a buzzing that continues for the rest of the days as the date loomed near. It was still roughly two months to go before the said event, but already, some of the students are already anticipating who they would be asking as their dates.

“Here,” the student council president, Kaname Tanuma, a bespectacled tall boy said, handing me a small slip of paper, “Sensei, please help us compose organize the waiver letters to be sent out to students. Also,” he added, shuffling the papers inside the plastic file folder he was holding before, fishing out another slip, “We were wondering whether the program for the dance needs some tweaking. Although the organizing committee has collectively concurred that the announcing of the winners of the Midwinter King and Queen plus their entourage will signal the start of the dancing.”

I reached out for the paper gingerly, nodding absentmindedly to myself. “I supposed we already have our nominated vying for the coveted King and Queen title?”

“Of course.” Another sheaf of paper appeared before me.

Resigned, I took yet another list and I was left alone; most of the stuff shall be overseen by the student council and the organizing committee, so I am mostly here to assist and oversee the students as they go about their works.

My heart gave a sudden lurch when I saw who was on the list nominated for MidWinter Queen.

Suzume Yosano.

Chapter Text

For the next three or so weeks, even the threat of heavy snow and mid semester finals couldn’t dampen the students’ spirits on the upcoming ball. Streamers continue to pile overhead, posters appear every now and then to remind students to not forget about the dance, vote or wear their best dance clothes.

It was like a zoo.

The teachers, though amuse at the excitement, still managed to wield even more promises of detention should the students misbehave. It was a powerful tool to discipline the students, albeit a temporary one. We were all pretty sure that once the dance was over and the New Year has come and gone, we would need to be creative once again on how to discipline them and make good on our pledges to get them through the second semester without a hitch.

My fourth history class has just finished, and I felt like dragging my feet across the hall towards the school cafeteria. Maybe I should just buy a sandwich and sleep until the bell rings for the afternoon classes? I need to catch up on my sleep.

Why? Because I often stay late worrying, wondering whether she is okay.

I know for a fact that despite Suzume being quite popular with the rest of her own batch, she didn’t strike me as the type who normally participates in such school events. Being nominated in the MidWinter Dance is akin to a local school’s version of a beauty pageant. I thought the school was way above the others when it comes to teaching the kids about accepting universal physical beauty. Apparently, I was wrong. Hence the sleepless nights.

Was she a victim of a prank? Is that why her name was nominated in the list? To humiliate her? Was there any hint of bullying going on under our noses?

Her circle of friends has been quiet as of late since the names was announced. She’s lagging behind during the weekly tally of votes. The rest of the nominated has been very active in promoting themselves all over the campus.

Thoughts of horrible prom dance movie scenes kept plaguing me. Thank goodness she doesn’t have that telekinesis talent displayed by Carrie from that movie! I cringed at my own sick imagination. Would she be alright? Will I be able to help her?

“Check out that funny chick.”

Roused from my momentary stupor, I barely noticed the crowd of students gathering outside.

“I heard she was nominated too.” A senior tossed her hair nonchalantly and gave a giggle.

Feeling the worse, I followed the tide of students pouring out onto the courtyard even as the rest of them headed straight to the cafeteria for their lunch.

In the middle of a small crowd stood Suzume Yosano in her school uniform, standing still on top of a low platform surrounded by her friends who are busy distributing flyers. I can see Yuyuka Nekota, Nana Kameyoshi, Monika Tsurutani, Mamura Daiki and even some of Daiki’s friends, Manabu Inukai and Kotetsu Sarumaru. I know for a fact that Yuyuka Nekota was nominated herself, but I felt glad she is there supporting Yosano.

“Hey! What’s this about?” a freshman yelled in a friendly manner.

I waited with bated breath, unsure whether to break up the crowd or let them be. I decided to wait and see what will happen next.

Suzume Yosano gave a bow and a friendly wave.

“Thank you for whoever nominated me. I am not here to plead for more votes. Rather, I would encourage other people to vote for my friend,” she gestured to Yuyuka who glared at her.

“Stop it!” she huffed, before shoving some more flyers toward a junior whose Beats earphones was slung around his neck. “I knew I shouldn’t have volunteered to do this!”

There was a rumble of low laughter. Even Yosano giggled affectionately towards her friend. Standing about twenty paces away from her, slightly hidden by climbing ivy, I found myself smiling a little at her happy face.

Yosano looked content and happy. The tugging in my heart increased.

“I never wanted to participate, but I realized last night that this is the perfect opportunity to know more of you and for you guys to know more of me. So I decided to hand out some information about myself. Please feel free to approach me; we can talk and be friends even if we don’t have many things in common. I’m here for friendships and not winning.” Her smile is genuine, and it lit up her whole face.

“Whoa! I never met someone who is quite good in katanukigashi!” a rather good-looking senior chuckled as his eyes darted from the flyer to Yosano. “Hey! Maybe we should hang out. I have real talent on cherry blossom katanukigashi.”

I felt jealousy blossom inside my chest.I spied Mamura glaring at the senior himself.

“This is funny. One of her bucket list is to go for a sushi eating contest.” A pretty-looking petite freshman said. “Maybe I’ll vote for her. She’s way cooler than the other contestants.”

And one by one, I could see some of the students come up in front and introduce themselves.

Taking a step back, I was ready to turn away and leave her be. But for some reason, our eyes met and I felt my insides melt.

We held our gazes for a long time, and I knew we would still be looking into each other’s eyes if only I didn’t lost the courage and broke off our eye contact.

Dazed, confused, hopeful, hurt and overwhelmed, I got my sandwich and rushed back to the teacher’s office to eat my lunch away from the crowd.

I thought I was already making good progress in forgetting and letting her live the life she’s supposed to lead. But gazing into her deep greenish eyes, I felt the urgency to touch her raging inside of me like a volcano.

I was wrong.

I never really went anywhere. I was still at square one in trying to forget her.

Chapter Text

I know I really looked cheesy, but the school directors insisted all the teachers attending the dance must adhere to the strictly formal attire rules. I didn’t prepare any clothes until the announcement was made last minute. I kept on expecting the committee will let us where normal attire. In the end, I called one of my buddies to lend me something to wear. He’s been doing theatre costume design and lends me one of his previous creations: a superbly cut formal coat and tie.

The clothes fitted me perfectly. It figures that I coincidentally have the same physique as the actor who wore it previously. But when I arrived in school and finished knotting the tie, I found a velvet mask folded in one of the pockets. Raising my eyebrows, I studied the mask before stuffing it back in the pockets.

I wished I never volunteered. The coat and tie brought back some unpleasant memories of my own high school dance. Plus, I never seemed to get so comfortable wearing such. I tend to feel sloppy.

Resisting the urge to yawn loudly, I focused instead, on the principal’s speech. Clocking in two hours, the committee is finally wrapping up its program of a short video clip on the school’s history, the various activities that was held that year, plus throwing in some performances of dance and live band music before ending it with the principal’s speech to thank everyone as he announces the winners of the Mid Winter Dance pageant.

I must say the program was good, though by now, the students are dying to cap the program and spend the remaining two hours dancing and enjoying the live music provided. The local DJ is quite talented.

“…and now, I am pleased to congratulate all of the contestants of the pageant. Even if you are not crowned as the King and Queen of the Dance, please remember that we are all winners here….”

I felt like my stomach was being twisted into knots when I heard the drum roll. Will they call her name? I have not seen her yet during my patrol around the auditorium. I was always being asked to “go over that side” or was requested to “please do cursory checks in classrooms for students who are not supposed to sneak in to” by the senior professors. So when it was finally my turn to patrol the dance floor, I kept on a look out for her. No such luck.

“.. and the King of the Midwinter Ball is… Arima Kosei!”

There was a loud whoop! From the middle part of the crowd, where a group of seniors raised their hands and began clapping the shoulders of a tall boy, yelling out their congratulations excitedly. And then Arima Kosei went up the stage to accept the plastic crown and green sash proclaiming his win.

“…Congratulations are in order for…” The principal paused.. I held my breath, half wishing she would win, the other half wishing that she won’t. What a cruel and selfish person I am! As a teacher, I wanted her to win, because I feel that she deserves it for the sincerity she displayed during her speech. But as a man- no, as someone who loves her very much still, I am not ready to share her to the world.

“..for Kogure Nao!”

There was a gasp.. and then a short, low-pitch scream. And the crowd began to clap thunderously.

I exhaled, more relieved than I wanted to be. I briefly remembered Ms. Kogure Nao is a junior who is very good in her grades and is quite friendly and outgoing. Not a bad choice, really.

I overheard a couple of sophomores beside me talking.

“Aww. I was kind of hoping that Yosano would win.” A girl wearing a blue gown was clapping her hands.

“Yosano is a good candidate, and so is Yuyuka. But personally, Kogure Nao kind of deserves it. She’s very active in a lot of clubs.” Her male friend replied before grabbing her arm. “C’mon let’s get something to drink. I’m thirsty..”

I watch the two melt in the crowd. Amidst the cheering and the loud whistles and catcalls, the live band began to play a rousing tune. And the students began to group together and dance with their friends.

It was then that I saw her. She stood in the middle of the makeshift dance floor, talking amidst the loud music, though I couldn’t exactly hear what she is saying above the noisy crowd. She’s hugging her friend Yuyuka who seemed relieved like me that she did not win. A boy stood by her side waiting to whisk her away to dance.

Suzume looked exquisite in her strapless gown of deep purple made of floaty chiffon. The stiff, structured upper bodice seemed to mold into her perfectly while baring a modest amount of skin at her neck and shoulders; the belt at her waist is slim and sleek. Her skirt floated down to her feet, deep purple gently fading to light lavender color.

Her hair was swept sideways and held up with pins to make it look like she cut her hair short and curled it like so, reminiscent of old Hollywood actresses sporting those elegant hairstyles. Whoever did her hair and make up has a good eye: by keeping her hair pinned up, she’s shown off the gown’s design with perfection.

Stunningly gorgeous. I felt several thugs on my heartstrings. This girl deserves the crown. But I am still glad she did not win. Her beauty will be in the spotlight and more people will see how beautiful she really is!

Next to her side, Mamura Daiki stood, wearing an exquisitely formal grey coat and tie. I have to admit, the boy can pull off the formal wear with ease; he looked very much like a fashion model with his impressive height. I stiffened when I saw Mamura place a hand on Suzume’s elbow, leaned down to whisper on her ear. Perhaps to ask her to dance because two seconds later, the stood facing each other and began to join the rest of the couples pairing up for a rather slow song.

I felt a lump on my throat, unable to tear my eyes away from them.

They looked so perfect with each other.

I clenched my fist in a fit of jealousy. I loved her first!

But I didn’t make a move. I know I still have patrolling duties but how can I leave? My feet seemed rooted at the fringes of the dancefloor, wondering what the hell happened to us.

It was your decision to leave her. A voice inside my head reminded me.

I know that! But still… I bit the inside of my cheek to keep myself from howling with frustration.

If only I can get to her at least once. Feel that bare skin against mine. I thought longingly. My eyes narrowed, drinking into Suzume’s beautifully made up face.

Just once. For tonight. I want her.

And a plan began to form inside my head.

Chapter Text

I seized my chance. God knows how much I tried so hard to stay away from her, but tonight, fate seems to have reserved a slot for me to dream a little.

It’s rotten of me to abuse my power as a teacher, but I decided there would be no rules for me- for us.

Promising one of my lazy senior high student that I’d give him a chance to submit an extra credit report, I instructed him to “accidentally” spill a cup of punch down Mamura Daiki’s pants.

I waited until the very moment it happened. It was all very quick; the deed was done, and as predicted, Mamura went off to the nearest men’s toilet, brushing aside Suzume’s offer of accompanying him outside with a casual wave and a smile.

My heart pinched when I saw Suzume return it with a smile of her own.

Determined, I made my way towards the dance floor where she was left to her own devices.

I reached her side, grabbing her right hand securely with my own and a brusque command of, “Dance with me.”

I thank the fates that no one will easily recognize me in my formal tie and coat. Whatever compelled me to don the velvet mask I found in the coat pockets, I have absolutely no idea. I was only banking on the fact that I only have roughly five to ten minutes of heaven after enduring months of hell.

Suzume Yosano knew instantly that it was me the moment I whispered against her ear. I was half-afraid she would put up a protest. Imagine my relief when she slowly slid her hand at the back of neck, softly, surely, eyes gazing up to meet mine.

Her green eyes looked like crushed leaves, huge and questioning. Her lips looked dewy, inviting a man to taste them. Would they taste like raspberries, I wonder?

The small, tiny plastic headband with rhinestones nestled among the curls of her head winked against blinking lights and I began to lead her into a slow dance.

Pride can stand
A thousand trials
The strong will never fall

My hands, which I placed earlier on her slender waist travelled gently up on the small of her back, my heart pounding with each piano key tinkered by the part-time singer hired for tonight. Brushing my lips against the back of her knuckle, I placed her hand securely on my shoulder.

I pulled her closer, her body taut and tense as it made contact against my full length and breadth. Her heartbeat is erratic, and I felt glad that I can still make her insides stir up like so.

But watching stars without You
My soul cried

“You look so beautiful.” I whispered against her carefully made up hair, all loose and flowing in gentle waves and ringlets. I can finally bury my fingers in them.

She nodded in acknowledgement. The air from my mouth stirred a few strands on top of her head, breathing in her strawberry scent, all luscious and ripe, ready for the picking. But whose?

“What if someone recognizes you? A teacher is not supposed to cavort with a student.”

I felt my heart ache, a lump forming in my throat. I wish. I wish this would last forever.

“For tonight, maybe even for the next couple of minutes, I would like to pretend I am not your teacher, nor are you my student.” I said gruffly. “Tonight, I am a man who wants to reach for a shooting star.”

I felt her hands tighten their hold on me. I felt like weeping with need.

Heaving heart is full of pain
Oh, oh, the aching

We found ourselves into one dark corner of the gym, right near the storage for cleaning supplies, hidden from view by the bleachers. All students are busily paired up and dancing to the slow music being played to pay any attention to us; while the teachers are busy patrolling and keeping an eye on most of the students who attended. But with the throng of the attendees, it would be hard to keep track of everyone.

And as the song was nearing its end, and I am pretty sure that Mamura Daiki could appear any second and might start looking for her. It’s now or never.

I tore the velvet mask away from my face and peered into her eyes.

Suzume Yosano, looking all grown up and ready to break more hearts tonight. So very beautiful. How many times will I endure getting my heart split into two myself?

Cupping her face with my shaking hands, I leaned down, sealing my lips on hers. I felt an absolutely sensational feeling chart a course through my veins, making me shiver with wonder.

Touch me deep
Pure and true
Gift to me forever

Her lips, so soft, so very, very sweet. I savored the taste of her- of what she would become in the future, given more time. I poured in all the feelings I felt for her, all the hopes, all the regrets on that kiss.

And somehow, she took it from me, pure and simple, without hesitation, without rejection, only acceptance.

Prying her mouth open, I let my tongue slip in and drank from her as deeply as I could, feeling my desire grew, and my hatred on myself for letting her go without much thought, and for tormenting her with my inability to decide and protect.

I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry. My heart bled.

'Cos I'm kissing you, oh
I'm kissing you

And all too soon, she broke the kiss. Pulling away suddenly, I caught a glimpse of her flushed face, her moist mouth, panting a little from the force and depth of our kiss. I saw her purple lipstick was smudge at the edges, making her look younger now, a nostalgic picture of her old self: the lanky, gauche Suzume Yosano that I first met.

“You.” She took a step back.

I felt almost sorry that I took advantage of her yet again. Oh foolish, selfish bastard, what have you done?

I reached out to grab hold of her shoulders, but she fled away from my presence. But not before leaving behind one sentence with her pleading voice.

“Stay away from me…”

Where are you now?
Where are you now?

I clenched my fists, unable to run after her lest I call attention to us. I am powerless to do anything about our situation. Cruel, cruel fate. To gift me with a love that is young and pure, and so very inappropriate in the eyes of normal people. How will I expect to win?

I couldn’t leave yet.

Heart still reeling from our exchange, my insides are raging. I knew all along she still felt something for me! Why else would she respond with my kiss?

I sat on the bleachers, a little higher so I can see all the students crowding the center of the gym where the dancefloor was constructed. Amidst the sea of highschool boys in their ill-fitting coats and ties, and girls trying to look mature in their tight, revealing gowns and evening dresses, I spotted my beloved in the center, looking tall and regal.

Mamura Daiki has found her and they were together again in each other’s arms.

I continued to watch them long until the dance have ended. Wishing, lamenting, frustrated; the song playing in a loop inside my head.

'Cos I'm kissing you
I'm kissing you, ohh

Chapter Text

The waitress was all smiles when she brought the ice coffee I ordered over to my table at a quiet corner of the coffeeshop. She slid a thick wad of napkins beside a small plate of tuna mayo sandwich, and I could briefly see her phone number scribbled hastily in between the unused sheets.

I murmured a small “Thank you” to the waitress and waited until she left the table before I let out a sigh. I get my share of aggressive women’s attention these days. But I kind get put-off when these waitresses used clean napkins to write their phone numbers and surreptitiously slip them between unused ones. It’s a bit unhygienic, to be honest. Or maybe I am just not in the mood.

Ignoring the number she wrote, I took half of the sandwich and bit into it. The coffeeshop is particularly popular hang-out spot for a lot of people. On certain days, college students filled the whole shop, while the rest of the days were a mixed up of high school students and locals who used the premises as a meet up place with their friends to hang-out and catch up with what’s happening with their lives. Occasionally, I encountered young people going on dates. I feel a certain kick when I note some of them are my students; they get embarrassed when they see me there and I walked up to their tables and give them some lecture on the ‘birds and the bees’. But for most days, I am just content in my favorite corner and waste time.

Or what my friend, Rei Nishikawa, a freelance graphic artist, calls it sulking.

I took out my handphone and placed it on the table, fitted an earphone in its jack and jammed the ends on the inside of my ears. Coldplay’s latest album began to play.

Call it magic
Call it true
Call it magic

A hand tapped me on the shoulder.

Still holding my sandwich, I whipped my head around expecting one of my friends who spotted me hanging around or even one of my students, when I stared into the eyes of…

Yuyuka Nekota.

I raised my eyebrows in surprise.

“Are you alone?” she asked, glancing at my order and back to my face.

“Obviously.” I countered. What does she want from me?

“Good.” She swept pass me in a cloud of sweet-smelling perfume. She looked ready for a date with her excellently made-up face and perfectly combed hair. Making a grand gesture of smoothing out her black and white polka-dotted dress, she sat down on a chair opposite me. The long strand of pearls made tiny clicking sounds.

As I watched Yuyuka, I saw the waitress who served me earlier sport a disappointed expression. I couldn’t help but grin a little. Having a young high school student in front of me certainly is an effective repellant against unwanted female attention.

I stopped grinning when I saw her studying me with a serious expression.

“I saw you last night, kissing Suzume Yosano.”

Chapter Text

I swallowed hard and felt a film of sweat form in my forehead. I pressed the pause button of my handphone and ran a hand through my messy hair.

"Stop thinking about a lie, Shishio-sensei." Yuyuka leaned back on her seat and folded both of her arms over her chest. "You thought no one saw you, but I was watching Suzume. I kept an eye on her the whole night."

I bit the inside of my cheek, still unable to answer. Of course, I should expect such a probing opening sentence from Yosano's closest friend. I should have known that my action last night might have caught other people's attention. Should I be worried that I put Suzume Yosano in an unwanted spot?

I sat up straight from my seat and took my spectacles off, expression now serious.

"Did I did something that might be traced back to Yosano?" I asked softly.

Yuyuka frowned. She looked a little like a prim and proper school headmistress, suddenly faced with doling out punishment to a student, which feels ironic, considering I am her History professor.

"For the moment, no. But if you keep on acting reckless, you'll be subjecting my friend to a lot of grief."

Trying not to look guilty, I reached out for the coffee cup and used a finger to run around the rim contemplatively. I knew what she is talking about is true. If I don't stop obsessing about her friend, I could end up doing something I might regret in the future.

"I'm sorry." I could only mumble out in shame.

She gave a long sigh. "You're supposed to tell her that and not to my face. But you should know, you are banned from getting even two feet near her."

I fingered the cup's handle, watching the steam rising from the aromatic black coffee.

"I can't forget her." I admitted at last. "I tried to, but everytime I close my eyes, all I could see is her face, every single night. I can't get a decent amount of sleep since we broke up."

"Serves you right." She retorted severely. "You don't know how much she was hurt by your rejection. You made her fall for you and yet you ended up playing a coward and making her feel like a fool!" Her nostrils flared in anger, and the image of Yuyuka consoling Suzume flashed in my mind. My chest tightened.

"I never told anyone this, not even Suzume. But part of the reason why I decided to break up with her was that her Uncle found out about us." I lifted the cup and slowly took a sip. The coffee smelled really good, and yet it's bitterness entirely matched the mood I was in.

"Interesting." Yuyuka nodded, pursing her lips and eyeing me sternly. "Even if you don't tell me this, you need to stop being pitiful and start acting mature. You wanted Suzume Yosano to have a normal highschool life that won't be hindered by your presence. That's exactly what she is doing. So please refrain from interfering with her life again."

My ears perked up at her last sentence. I placed the coffee cup down with a clatter and studied Yuyuka's face.

"Did she tell you this?" I asked, my eyebrows knitted together in puzzlement.

"No! But I can tell, she was very much affected by you. She was distracted during the last couple of hours until the dance ended. Mamura was very concerned and thought she was coming down with a flu." Yuyuka squirmed a little uncomfortable under my penetrating gaze. Her cheeks look a little pink.

"Where is she now? Is she alright?"

She hesitated for a moment. And then she nodded. "I just came from her house. She was nursing a flu. Her temperature is still high when I left. And she looked sad and confused. Her eyes are all puffy and red. I don't need to be a genius to know she cried the whole night."

Why is she telling me all this? I thought the purpose of this conversation was for her to warn me to stay away from her friend once and for all. If that is the case, then why do I feel like she suddenly did something behind her friend's back?

A spark of home bloomed deep within my chest. Just a spark. But it was enough to do something about my mood. Suzume still cared about me. And though Yuyuka Nekota thinks I'm nothing but some trashy person who doesn't deserve her friend's affectons, she went out of her way to talk to me and tell me indirectly that I might be able to help improve her friend's condition somewhat.

I grabbed my phone and hesitated. If I go and see her now, she might not be happy to see me at all. I might make it worse for her. Or her Uncle might prevent me from seeing her. Or, I might do something again that I will regret later.

As I weigh my options, I can sense that Yuyuka is observing me while I decided consciously.

She gently placed a hand on top of my own.

"She still cares for you. And I know you genuinely care for her too. I wish that you gave yourselves time to grow accustomed to each other. If you want this relationship to achieve something, you guys need to talk and decide what you want in the future. Don't just let opportunity pass you by. You want to do something good. Try putting your best for her sake."

How profoundly mature she look giving me something to hold on to if I attempt to reach for the unreachable. Yuyuka Nekota is one person who doesn't really thinks favorably high of me. But when it comes to Suzume Yosano, she is willing to overlook my previous mistakes and give me another chance to prove my worth to her friend.

I reached behind my jeans pocket and retrieved some bank notes and slapped it onto the table. The waitress can keep the change for all I care. I only want to see Suzume!

With a last long look thrown at her, I stood up and hurriedly left the coffeeshop. My future hangs in a balance in the next few hours.

Chapter Text

Impulsively, I bought a bouquet of flowers. I felt a little foolish now that I held it between my fingers. And yet the waxy white petals of the tulips reminded me of Suzume Yosano’s skin when I caressed it last night. Feeling both nervous and excited at the prospect of seeing her again, I almost skipped on my way to her home. The paper bag of citrus fruits made rustling noises as I avoided people I passed by on the streets.

I thought of the things I wanted to tell her. The words crowd inside my head. So many things to say. Things that I wasn’t able to express before.

Will she be happy to see me?

Or livid?

Does she have the strength to push me away?

It wasn’t until I turned into the last corner that I realized I’m almost nearing my destination.

My heart pounded with each step I took. My eyes suddenly focused on a tall, blond young man standing outside the very steps of the house where I most wanted to be.

I almost skidded to a comical stop. What to do? I thought frantically as I turned to my right and found myself staring at a wall. I quickly darted back to where I stood previously and continued to the small alley.

The flowers were crushed to my chest as I stood against one hidden corner of the wall, feeling a little ridiculous.

I wasn’t expecting Daiki Mamura to be visiting her at this hour!

The pain in my chest exploded with jealousy. Of course he’s supposed to be here! He’s the boyfriend for heaven’s sake!

I bit my lower lip. He has the right to be there for her. Not me! Who am I to her?

Just her History professor.

Deflated at the negativity of my thoughts. I stared down at the bundle of flowers and paper bag of fruit. They looked unworthy as gifts for the girl who kept on haunting my heart and soul with her presence.

“If you’re thinking of throwing them out, it’d be a waste.” A voice said dryly.

I turned my head and found myself staring back into Yukichi Kumamoto.