Chapter 1: Introduction
Chapter Text
The Beginning of the List
In the land of Hyrule, there are people.
Obviously.
Since these people exist, so too does their history. And interestingly, their history is riddled with various successful and unsuccessful takeovers by various men, usually named Ganon or some variation thereof.
The first thing one might think, upon seeing this history, would be, 'Why are they all named the same thing? Were all their mothers just vastly uncreative, looked in a history book for ideas, and thought, 'That sounds good' and just went with it because it was the first name they saw? Seriously, what the Din?'
However, if you are a certain boy named Link, you look at this history and think, 'How were all of these men so incredibly stupid? If I ever became an evil overlord, I'd do things differently,' and you go make a list of all the things you'd do.
This is that list.
So welcome, reader, to The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord. There will be laughs. There will be stupidity. There will be times you suspect the author might have run out of ideas. And lastly, there will be Peahats. Lots and lots of Peahats.
And, you know, some other people will probably get mentioned too.
Chapter 2: Rule Number One
Chapter Text
In the era of the New Hero of Hyrule, currently under the reign of Yuga – which lasted approximately two-and-a-half weeks. Location – the newly redecorated Hyrule Castle:
"Uhh... Captain?"
"This had better be worthwhile question, Private, or I'm reporting you. Again."
The paint-made Private winced, then rallied his courage and asked anyways. "Sir, why are our helmets made of solid paint-metal?"
"Because it's sturdy and protective, now stop asking me stupid questions."
Private glanced down at the helmet in his hands, furrowed his pigmented brow, and despite the irritation of his superior asked, "Yes sir, but won't this impede our ability to see through them?"
Captain heaved a deep, patience-building sigh, and ground out, "That's what the eye-holes are for."
"...What eye-holes, sir?"
Captain blinked his pastel eyes and gave Private's helmet a look-over. There were no discernible eyeholes that he could see, and for a very brief moment he wondered how he and his men were supposed to tell where they were going. However, it was a very brief moment.
"Lord Yuga knows best," he snapped. "He designed our armor. If you've got a problem, go take it up with him."
Private turned visibly white, the new paint color running down his body in streaks. "N-no sir! Our helmets are fine, sir!"
"That's what I thought."
Twenty-four hours later, the New Hero of Hyrule snuck past Yuga's entire Paint Guard with very little problem, as long as he was quiet. For some reason, every single one of them seemed to be singularly unable to see him.
"...Moron," Link muttered in the present-day as he read the description of Yuga's army. That was definitely going on the list.
Rule Number One: My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
Chapter 3: Rule Number Two
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In the era of the Hero of Light, currently under the reign of Vaati the Demon Bat– which lasted for an unrecorded, but short, amount of time. Location – the future Palace of Winds:
Vaati out the final touches on his schematics for his new Palace of Winds with a flourish. "There! My impenetrable fortress is complete and absolutely untouchable. Nobody can get in without my say-so!"
He turned to his builders, handed the papers to them, and ordered, "Get on this immediately! No delays, understand?"
"Yes sir!" the builders chanted, and filed off to do just that.
"...Sir," one of his advisors said. "You don't think you should have had that checked by the Master Stonemason? I mean this in the most respectful of ways, sir, but your strength is not in buildings."
"IT IS PERFECT!" Vaati thundered. "MY PALACE DOES NOT NEED TO BE 'CHECKED'!"
"Yes sir. Sorry sir," the advisor squeaked.
Three weeks later, the Hero of Light, Hero of Light, Hero of Light, and Hero of Light crawled through the ventilation ducts of the Palace of Winds.
Well, 'crawled' was a relative term. Really, what they were actually doing was standing and stooping slightly.
"Who makes air ducts this big?" Green wondered, baffled.
"Who cares?" Blue grunted. "As long as it lets us get in."
"It's kinda stinky in here," Red said. "I thought this was a Windy Palace, but there's no airflow in here at all."
"It could have been worse," Vio reminded them all. "It could have been sewers."
"Ewwww," the three other boys chorused.
"You're kidding me," Link said as he stared at the reproduction of the Palace blueprints, expertly made from historical accounts. "A Goron could fit through those! A Goron!"
Rule Number Two: My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
Chapter 4: Rule Number Three
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In the era of the Hero of Time, in Termina, currently under the rule of Majora – which, due to conflicting histories and many eyewitness testimonies of time running amok, may or may not have lasted for three days. Location – Inside the Moon. Somehow:
It was a fact that nobody but the two of them really knew, for a multitude of reasons. One of them was that it had been so very long ago that nobody besides the two of them remembered. But a second reason could have been that both of them were currently masks, and nobody thought of masks as being able to have genealogy anyway.
In any case, the Fierce Deity was Majora's half-brother, and neither of them were happy about it.
The Fierce Deity hadn't been too big on it because Majora was an insane wackjob. Majora, on the other hand, had been unhappy about it for rather more complicated reasons.
Majora wanted nothing less than to rule the world. The Deity, for his part, through battle prowess and a ridiculous amount of coincidental luck, had managed to get himself anointed King. Majora had taken one look at this and said, 'Nope, not letting that slide,' and had thus staged a coup and had the Deity thrown in a dungeon cell that he then promptly forgot about. Eventually, because Majora had also forgotten to post guards, the Fierce Deity broke himself free and started a war on his half-brother that ended in the both of them being sealed in masks because the citizens finally got fed up with the two of them fighting and hired a passerby sorcerer to deal with it.
Unfortunately for the Deity, Majora had been sealed first, and thus took advantage of his half-brother's disorientation by trapping him in a forgotten corner of his own mindscape, where despite what past experience should have told him, he immediately forgot all about it.
And naturally, this once again came back to bite him later.
Under the massive tree that was somehow inside the Moon, the small boy wearing the mask of Majora shyly handed the Hero of Time a pale white mask with red-and-blue tattoos.
"I found this on the ground in a dark place," the boy said. "I think you should have it. His name is the Fierce Deity. I hope you can control it..."
Ten minutes later, the Hero of Time used the Fierce Deity to smack Majora silly.
Link slowly looked up from the very, very, very old lineage book he'd dug out of the Royal Public Library after noticing an interesting coincidence in the histories of Termina he'd come across while following the Hero of Time's adventures.
"...Alright, I did not see that coming," he admitted. "Good to know, though... putting that one on the list."
Rule Number Three: My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
Chapter 5: Rule Number Four
Chapter Text
In the era of the Hero of Twilight, currently under the rule of Zant the Twili, though this is under investigation due to multiple allegations that Zant was in fact an idiot wholly incapable of instigating a hostile takeover – which lasted for one month and two days before Ganondorf took control for approximately thirty-two hours. Location – Hyrule Castle, just after Zant's hostile takeover:
"What should I do with my new accquisitions..." Zant mused, pacing back and forth and flailing his arms about because he liked to feel the tassels on his sleeves sway. "There's a great deal of new land to explore, and multiple new citizens to subjugate... but what shall I do with the possible rebels...?"
'Throw them a party and have everyone wear Peahats!' His subconscious jubilantly suggested.
"No, no, Peahats are for friends only," Zant admonished his subconscious, unknowingly cementing the opinion of his underlings that their King had some screws loose as he appeared to be talking to thin air. "That doesn't mean they can't be friends, just that they're not friends yet. But since they're not, I need some way to make sure they don't try to overthrow me, especially not little miss Princess and her new royal friend in the Light World. How should I deal with them...?"
'Shoot them with Peahats!' his subconscious giggled.
"No, Peahats are for friends!" Zant snapped.
'Fine, just shoot them then. Arrow to the neck. Boom, problem solved.'
"...Or," Zant said slowly, "I could cast an extremely large and power-intensive curse over the entire land, making the people sure to hate me with a burning passion and practically guaranteeing the rise of a suicidally stubborn Hero to stop me!"
'I love it!' his subconscious enthused. 'That's a MUCH better idea than the one I had! When do we start?'
"Right after Peahats," Zant decided. "We deserve a party for this!"
'Yay!'
One month later, the Twilight Princess with the Hero of Twilight at her side stormed Zant's Castle and beat him into a mentally unstable pulp. As Zant twitched and giggled on the ground, Midna turned to her partner and said, "You know what I just realized?"
"No," the Hero said, because that was the usually safe response.
"If this idiot hadn't cursed you," Midna said, waving a hand at said idiot, "we wouldn't have even been able to get here. Without the wolf, you wouldn't have been able to get over that poison gas, you wouldn't have been able to find those Light Spirit bugs, you definitely wouldn't have been able to meet Princess Zelda, you wouldn't have been able to defeat or even see any of those Poes... I could go on, but I think I've made my point."
On the floor, Zant muttered something about Peahats before Midna kicked him in the stomach to shut him up.
"...Now that's just stupid," Link said, shaking his head at the list of Zant's accomplishments during his short and questionably sane reign. "Why would you give your enemies claws and sharper teeth, not to mention a vendetta to go along with them, rather than just killing them on the spot? That just seems counterintuitive."
Rule Number Four: Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
Chapter 6: Rule Number Five
Chapter Text
In the era of the Hero of Twilight, twenty-four hours before Zant launched his total takeover of Hyrule. Location – on top of the Tower at Arbiters Grounds:
"...This seems like something I should hide," Zant mused, looking over the four broken pieces of Twilight Mirror in his hands. "But where to put them...?"
'Hide them in Peahats!' his subconscious exclaimed.
"No, that would kill the Peahats," Zant said mournfully. "And then we'd have nobody to party in Peahats with, because nobody could wear them."
'That'd be TERRIBLE!' his subconscious gasped. 'We NEED Peahat parties!'
"I know!" Zant agreed, completely ignorant of the fact that he appeared to be talking to absolutely no-one, at least to the outside observer. The five remaining Sages who lived on top of the Tower had come to the conclusion that the Twili was absolutely insane about six minutes ago.
"I need somewhere secure," Zant continued, getting back on track. "Somewhere deadly, dangerous, and absolutely guaranteed to be stumbled into by a desperate Hero searching for the way to defeat me."
'How about Legendary Dungeons and Ancient Temples with connections to spiritual deities that the Hero is sure to seek guidance from?' his subconscious suggested.
"That's BRILLIANT!" Zant squealed. "I'll get started right now and leave one right here, so that when the Hero follows the inevitable rumors of a Cursed Artifact that will lead him here, he'll find it and get started on his quest to defeat me!"
'We are such geniuses!' his subconscious enthused.
"I know, right? And I'll put the rest in those Temples and Dungeons you mentioned," Zant decided, encasing the other three pieces in his magic and sending them off into the world. "Now... what should I do with the objects that make up my one weakness?"
'Well, we already dropped that first piece where little miss Princess would find it and inevitably use it in her revenge,' his subconscious mused. 'Why not hide the rest in places where they'll cause massive corruption and act as a homing signal for her to find and collect the rest and thus rebuild our one weakness to obliterate us?'
"I love the way you think," Zant giggled. Then he frowned, as a rare moment of sanity decided to grace him with its presence.
"Do you think, perhaps, we should at least make it difficult for the inevitable Hero and little miss Princess to access our one weakness and source of power?"
'...Fine,' his subconscious grumbled. 'Let's add gigantic corrupted Guardians that will most definitely raze the surrounding areas to the ground and thus alert the Hero and Princess that something's horribly wrong over there, just in case they missed all the other warning signs.'
Zant considered that, and as he did the moment of sanity got distracted and decided to go somewhere else.
"Perfect!" Zant declared. "I'm going to be absolutely invincible!"
'And handsome!' his subconscious giggled.
"He put them where?" Link said, boggling at the pages of the Book of Antique Treasures. "Why?"
Rule Number Five: The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
Chapter 7: Rule Number Six
Chapter Text
In the era of the Hero of Time, currently under the reign of Ganondorf – the exact length of which is unclear due to conflicting historical accounts which simultaneously state his rule as either lasting seven years, or never quite managing to get started due to preemptive action by the young Princess and her friend from the forest. Location – Hyrule Field, the battle against Ganondorf for the future of Hyrule:
He'd finally done it.
After seven years of searching, planning, and preparing, he'd finally succeeded.
He had the Hero at his mercy.
Ganon gazed impassively down at the little green man desperately reaching for his little toothpick sword and smirked ever so slightly. Despite the little voice of common sense telling him otherwise, he decided that a little bragging and taunting couldn't possibly do that much damage.
"How does it feel to lose everything?" he rumbled, though the words didn't come as easily as he wanted. That was one of the downsides to his current, boar-like form; although his strength and size was much increased, the finer details like speech and some aspects of rational thought were given in exchange.
The Hero, as was his habit, didn't respond, continuing to stretch for the weapon out of his reach. Ganon sighed and placed one large foot on top of the Hero's torso, abruptly halting any progress he might have been making.
"I admit, you've done a fine job of eluding me these past seven years," Ganon continued, examining one of his blades. "I was actually beginning to become annoyed. But, like the child you are, you came to me. Isn't that ironic?"
The Hero glared at him and began attempting to wriggle out from under his foot, but otherwise made no response.
"I think I will kill you slowly and make the little Princess watch," Ganon mused. "Or maybe, I'll kill the little Princess slowly, and make you watch. Which would you prefer?"
He received a Death Glare in answer, and Ganon had to admit that it was a fairly potent Glare, as far as mere mortals went. Luckily, he was not a mere mortal and thus the Glare had no effect on him.
"You do have some spirit left in you after all, don't you now?" Ganon observed. "Pity, I thought I'd crushed all that by now. No matter, I'll get to it in just a minute. I'll have to ask you to be patient in the meantime.
Under his foot, the Hero had started ignoring him and was stretching himself towards his weapon again. Ganon rolled his eyes and glanced up towards the Princess, who had her hand over her mouth in horror.
"Perhaps I'll just kill you both quickly instead, to save myself the trouble," Ganon decided. "No muss, no fuss, just a quick little slit-!"
He interrupted himself with an earsplitting bellow, because the Hero had somehow gotten ahold of his sword and had just stabbed Ganon in the foot. This, of course, threw Ganon off his guard, and the Hero was able to slip out from underneath and set about finishing the job he'd set out to do seven years ago.
"Really?" Link said incredulously, turning the page of the past Princess's old but well-preserved diary. "He had that kind of advantage and he just talked? No wonder he got himself beat..."
Rule Number Six: I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
Chapter 8: Rule Number Seven
Chapter Text
In the era of the Hero of Winds, currently under the rule of no-one at all – due to the issue that Hyrule was in fact submerged under several thousand feet of water, and was understandably hard to conquer that way. Location – Hyrule Castle, on the ocean floor, somehow not wet because magic did a thing:
He had the Hero, the Princess, and even the King at his mercy, trapped in an underwater prison with no escape. He had the Hero at swordpoint, the Princess in a head-injury-induced daze, and the King helpless to do anything to stop him.
So when the little Hero looked up at him and asked, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" Ganondorf had no qualms whatsoever about it being a not-very-cleverly disguised method of buying time and went ahead and answered it anyway.
"Before the flood," he began, "I lived in a desert. The winds there blew harsh and hot, and if one was foolish enough to get caught in the night you were almost certainly dead. It was a hard and unforgiving land, but it was all I'd ever known."
His voice took on a razor quality. "Then I went to Hyrule, and I discovered the winds of your country. So unlike the ones I'd grown up with. These winds were soft and cool, refreshing and gentle, and like nothing I'd ever felt before. And I wanted them."
The Hero was slowly inching his way to his left as Ganondorf talked, towards the still-groggy Princess, but Ganondorf was too caught up in his memories to notice.
"Why should you, the Hylians, have winds like this while the winds of my home were just as likely to kill you as they were to bring you relief? Why should your people be favored over mine in this way? In that moment, I learned to hate the winds of my home, and I learned to hate your so-called goddesses for giving those winds to you. And I vowed that I, one day, would take your land and it's winds for myself. That is why I fight you, Hero. Nothing more, nothing less."
In the brief moment where no-one answered, Ganondorf noticed that the Hero was not in fact in front of him, but was actually over on his left. He wondered how the Hero had gotten away from him so easily when he'd only been paying attention elsewhere for a few moments. Then the Hero himself spoke up with, "So the only reason you invaded at all was because of moving air? I dunno about you, but that seems like a pretty stupid reason to me. I mean, you could have literally gone anywhere else for different wind, but you chose the place with the army and the wizard mages who could and did imprison you. Really great job there."
He hoisted his sword into an attack position, flashed a quick but measured smirk, and said, "Thanks for the breather, by the way," and charged into battle once more.
The ensuing fight ended about as well as Ganondorf could expect it to, considering that he'd fallen for one of the oldest tricks in the book.
It was a good thing so many of the past Princesses had kept diaries, Link mused, paging through the journal of Princess Zelda-Who-Went-By-Tetra, or else he'd never find all this stuff. Really though, who in their right mind told their mortal enemy their motive?
"If he really had that little sense, he deserved to lose," Link decided, and moved on.
Rule Number Seven: When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say "No," and shoot him. No, on second thought, I'll shoot him, then say, "No."
Chapter 9: Rule Number Eight
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In the era of the Hero of the Four Sword, currently under the rule of Vaati (not to be confused with a later conqueror of the same name) which lasted three weeks, more or less, and consisted entirely of kidnapping pretty girls. Location – Vaati's Palace (not to be confused with a later Palace of a similar name):
Vaati wasn't the brightest demonic sorcerer bat in the bunch, but he did know he liked women, the prettier the better. Therefore, it only made sense that he should get marry the prettiest one of all, a lovely blonde girl with an elaborate pink dress.
For some reason, though, a lot of people had taken offense when he'd proposed to her. He'd been very romantic, sweeping her off her feet (literally) and carrying her bridal-style to their new home. She'd screamed the whole way there (in excitement, he was sure), and when he showed her his plans for their wedding, she'd been so happy that she'd fainted dead away.
She was such a hopeless romantic.
In any case, once his lovely bride-to-be had woken up, she'd had some ideas of her own about how the wedding should go. For one, she'd wanted the happy date as far off as possible, which confused Vaati a bit until she'd explained the preparations involving finding a dress, bridesmaids, a venue, the flowers, the guest list, the decorations, the Maid of Honor, the Best Man, the rings, the ringbearers, where Vaati was even going to put his ring without fingers, the priest to conduct the ceremony, the ceremony itself, the vows, whether or not they could say 'Til death do us part' if Vaati was an effectively immortal sorcerer, Vaati's tuxedo, the brand of said tuxedo, the brand of the afore-mentioned dress, the color scheme, whether they wanted it traditional or modern, the politics behind their union, and a thousand other things. He'd never quite known getting married was such an... ordeal.
Of course, getting to the wedding would be an ordeal in itself, because a vast amount of young men seemed dead-set on preventing it. Vaati couldn't quite figure out why this was. Clearly his lovely future wife was looking forward to the event if she was putting this much thought into it, so he couldn't imagine why the intruders seemed insistent that she'd been kidnapped against her will.
Ah well. The wedding was only a few weeks away by this point, and once the ceremony was over, Vaati's final plan would be set into motion.
Now if he could just get the tailor to stop screaming when he tried to purchase his tuxedo...
The good thing, at least for the Four Hero(es) of the Four Sword, about Vaati having his wedding at the same time as his master plan, was that it was very, very easy to thwart both at the same time. So when the Four boys fought and re-sealed Vaati, they also freed Princess Zelda in one fell swoop.
"Thank you," Zelda said, curtsying gracefully. "I was running out of ideas to keep him occupied until rescue came."
"How did you convince him?" the Four boys asked in unison, one of the side effects if being split by the Four Sword.
"I'm a pretty Princess," Zelda replied, winking. "Charming people is my specialty."
The Four blushed.
"Okay..." Link said slowly, reading yet another royal diary. "Getting charmed by a pretty girl is a fairly viable excuse... surprisingly... but still. This one's definitely going on the list."
Rule Number Eight: After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
Chapter 10: Rule Number Nine
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In the era of the Hero of Trains, currently under the rule of Malladus – possibly. Multiple eyewitness accounts state that the Princess never actually left the throne, but did exhibit an odd change in eye color, personality, and tendency towards evil laughter. Location – some dark void thing with train tracks, during the fight against the Demon Train for the future of Hyrule:
When Malladus had built the Demon Train, he'd mostly done a fairly decent job. It was large, bulky, and built like a tank, with laser cannons and a face that could scare its own mother, if it had one. It was one of the fastest machines on the rails, had a sleek paint job, and it was even fuel efficient.
But for some bizarre, unexplainable reason, it also had a self-destruct, located right behind the face at the front of the Train.
Granted, it was heavily fortified, very well-hidden, and infuriatingly difficult to reach, but it was still there. When activated, it triggered a series of events that led to a influx of gas from redirected exhaust and... well, simply put, it created a very big boom and lots of fire and screaming. And it was definitely a last resort. He never intended to use it. Heck, the only person who knew it existed was himself, and that was only because he'd built the thing.
He'd never particularly regretted it before. But that was before he'd gotten into the race with the little Hero and his ghost Princess and a cannonball from that accursed Spirit Train slammed straight into the face of his own Train. The face, which both hid and protected the self-destruct that was now activated because of the cannonball.
Malladus would have smacked himself, but he was too busy trying to keep the Train from crashing as it exploded.
"...Did we hit the fuel tank or something?" Zelda wondered as the Demon Train went down in a plume of fire – literally sinking through the dark void floor and out of the place entirely.
The Hero frowned. "I doubt the bellows would be in the face, but..." he trailed off and shrugged, indicating that he had no idea.
They both stared for a few moments longer before remembering what they were doing there in the first place, and followed the Demon Train down where they proceeded to smack Malladus straight out of Zelda's body.
Link blinked once, very slowly, and rubbed his eyes disbelievingly. On the table, the schematics for Malladus's Demon Train were spread out in full detail, with one particular section in the center.
"...That makes no sense," he said slowly. "That... that literally makes no sense. It's a Train, why does it even need a self-destruct in the first place?"
Rule Number Nine: I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
Chapter 11: Rule Number Ten
Chapter Text
In the era of the Hero of Time, sometime in the middle of the seven years that the Hero missed. Location – the Spirit Temple, currently under the control of Koume and Kotake:
As Ganondorf's most loyal servants – not to mention Mother figures – Koume and Kotake were in charge of all the interrogating, brainwashing, torturing, and general other things that went along with a hostile takeover. This of course meant that they needed to have a base of operations for these things, and in an effort to be conscientious about space had combined their torture chambers with their inner sanctum, the repurposed Spirit Temple that they had... appropriated... from the Gerudo. This worked well, for the most part. Prisoners were kept on the lower levels, the sanctum was on the upper levels, and generally there was too much stone in the way for the screaming to bother the two witches much.
The one problem with the setup that the two sisters could see was that, because people knew where their sanctum was, they also knew where the prisoners were, and Koume and Kotake spent no small amount of time dealing with the imbeciles who tried to break in to rescue somebody. In fact, they almost spent more time dealing with that than anything else. While under normal circumstances this would be annoying, the two witches had made use of the near constant influx of 'invaders' and had filled out their brainwashing program quite nicely.
That was, until a certain upstart Gerudo got herself captured while making sure a young boy escaped safely. Nabooru, her name was, and both Koume and Kotake were somewhat miffed at her betrayal since she had been such a promising warrior for their King. However, they were more concerned about the boy who had gotten away.
"Do you think we should chase him, Koume?"
"He does know our location, Kotake."
"True, Koume. But he's also only a boy. What harm could he do?"
"That's a good point, Kotake. It's not like he's the Hero or anything."
They both shared a good laugh at that for a few moments before returning to the serious business at hand.
"So, Koume," Kotake said, "should we torture her, interrogate her, or brainwash her?"
"Brainwash, Kotake, definitely brainwash," Koume scolded. "We already interrogated her, remember?"
"Yes, you're right, Koume. Much better choice."
"Glad you think so, Kotake."
Some years later, a blond-haired teenage boy stormed the Spirit Temple, rescued Nabooru, and ended up smacking Twinrova so hard that Koume and Kotake began hallucinating. While the Hero watched them curiously and put away his weapon, the two sisters began squabbling with each other.
"Brainwash, you said, what a good idea Koume!" Kotake snapped.
"It was your idea Kotake!" Koume retorted. "Look at us now, we're dead!"
Down on the floor, the Hero rolled his eyes. He most certainly hadn't hit them hard enough to kill – though he had hit hard enough to give a concussion.
Link put down The History of the Spirit Temple and picked up his list, which by now had a fair amount of rules on it. "Rule... Number... Ten..." he muttered as he wrote.
Rule Number Ten: I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
Chapter 12: Rule Number Eleven
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In the era of the Chosen Hero, currently under the reign of no-one. As Hyrule did not yet exist, it was understandably hard to rule it. Location – the surface, in the region known as Faron Woods inside the Skyview Temple:
The first time Ghirahim had confronted the little Hero, he'd been... bored. His opponent had pleasantly surprised him by being good enough to force the Demon Lord to catch the boy's sword rather than merely dodging, and granted Ghirahim hadn't expected to need to use one of his own weapons at all, but still... he could have killed this boy as easily as one of those pathetically timid Kikwis outside. Really, the only reasons he hadn't killed the Hero outright were because: One, he was in a slight hurry to capture the Spirit Maiden; and Two, this mere mortal who was so determined to stop him was... amusing, somewhat. Basically, Ghirahim left him alive in the interest of future entertainment. Besides, he was hopelessly outclassed by yours truly, so really, what harm could possibly come from leaving him alive?
The second time he and the Hero had crossed blades was a bit of a different story. Ghirahim had been suitably annoyed that the Spirit Maiden kept eluding him, and thus had not concentrated on killing the boy nearly as much as he would have under normal circumstances. This had turned out to cost him the fight, much to his fury, but by the time he had realized the situation he was in, the fight was already halfway over and he'd been forced to retreat.
Many bokoblins had died that day in his aftermath battle anger.
The third time he faced the Hero, Ghirahim wasn't holding anything back. Unfortunately, neither was the Hero, and Ghirahim, to his absolute fury, discovered that this little mortal boy had turned into a remarkably competent swordsman.
It was then, as Ghirahim found himself in the previously unknown position of being beaten to the edge of his existence, that the Demon Lord acknowledged that maybe, just maybe, leaving the Hero alive all that time ago might have been a lapse in judgement on his part.
Link wasn't entirely sure if the (quite astonishingly) old book of legends was accurate or not. A large amount of the things it stated had happened were, if Link was honest, borderline unbelievable. Ancient robots, friendly dragons, and an entire island in the sky? Granted, the Occa race had been proven to exist a number of years ago, but they just had a city, as opposed to the entire landmass this book was claiming.
Still, even if it was a bit embellished, that didn't change the fact that this 'Ghirahim' person seemed to have had a self-importance problem. Specifically, the fact that he'd somehow found reason to leave an enemy who, supposedly, posed no threat at all, alive. Link rolled his eyes at the stupidity.
Rule Number Eleven: I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
Chapter 13: Rule Number Twelve
Chapter Text
In the era of the Hero of Time, three-and-a-half years after Ganondorf's total takeover of Hyrule. Location – the throne room of Hyrule Castle, though ninety percent of the occupants would rather be somewhere else:
As natural for someone who had taken over the kingdom, Ganondorf, after taking over the kingdom, had declared himself to be King. Most of the resulting circumstances from this decision were good things, like a royal chef to cook the royal food, a royal chair, a royal bed, a royal foot masseuse... basically, pick something you like and add 'royal' to it, Ganondorf had it.
And then there were the things that were less than good. There weren't a lot of those, since Ganondorf was one of those people who got rid of what he disliked, but some of those things simply refused to go away.
One of them happened to be the incompetence that was the former King's advisors, whom Ganondorf had been singularly unable to get rid of for some unfathomable reason. Normally, Ganondorf was fine with advisors. He'd had some back when he was King of just the Gerudo, and they were occasionally useful, if not good for a rant once in a while.
These advisors, on the other hand were... infuriating.
For starters, they agreed with everything he said. Literally, everything. Ganondorf had even directly contradicted himself on purpose just to see what they'd do, and they'd just smiled and agreed with him anyways. It was impossible to bounce evil plots off of them because they wouldn't tell him any flaws they saw. It was equally impossible to entrust them with anything, because all they did was walk in on his meetings every ten seconds with a new question about how he wanted such-and-such done.
He would absolutely replace them at a moment's notice... if he could. It was bafflingly difficult to find anyone who was willing to be his advisor, though Ganondorf suspected he knew why. He'd been unfortunately violent in his takeover, but... well, with the way things had gone, that had been unavoidable.
Not that his advisors would know, they just smiled nervously and told him how great of a takeover he'd pulled off.
Ganondorf rubbed his eyes with one large hand and sighed. A few feet away, one of his 'advisors' glanced at him fearfully.
"What?" Ganondorf snapped irritably.
"Y-y-your p-posture is v-v-very im-impeccable t-today, s-s-s-sir."
Ganondorf, with difficulty, avoided strangling the man.
There was a fine line, Link thought, between believable historical documents and ridiculous ones, and this one was definitely more on the ridiculous side. What were the odds of an advisor of all people having a personal journal? Even worse, from the looks of things, he'd been a complete waste of space in both the King of Hyrule and Ganondorf's employment. Heck, a child might have done a better job.
Link blinked and ran that thought through his head again.
"...That's actually not half bad," he decided.
Rule Number Twelve: One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
Chapter 14: Rule Number Thirteen
Chapter Text
In the era of the Hero of Twilight, midway through the month-and-a-half that comprised Zant's period of reign. Location – the very frozen Zora's Domain:
Zant finished the spell freezing the water of the Zora's Domain and lowered his arms happily. Below him, several dozen of the amphibious people were trapped in the ice, no doubt slowly suffocating to death.
Well, that was the plan, anyways. His god had instructed him very specifically in this task, and Zant wanted to be sure to get it right.
'We were told to kill them, though,' his subconscious mused. 'Are we sure they're dead?'
'Of course they're dead,' a different subconscious argued. 'They're frozen solid!'
'Yes, but they're aquatic by nature. How do we know they haven't adapted for this type of thing?'
"Obviously because they live right next to a frozen mountain and clearly haven't invaded it for takeover," Zant scoffed. "Silly fish-people."
'See? I told you so.'
'Oh, I don't like you at all,' his first subconscious growled. 'Before you got here, I was the fun one!'
'You were fun? Now there's something I wasn't expecting to hear.'
"I think you're both fun," Zant interrupted. "Besides, now when we have Peahat parties, I get to wear three hats!"
'Why does he get a hat, I was here first!'
'It's because I'm more fun than you.'
'You are not! And weren't we talking about something else before this?'
"The fish-people," Zant agreed. "I don't know, I think they're pretty dead. You can't breathe in ice, after all."
'Yeah, we would know. Mr. 'I'm the fun one' over here thought freezing ourself was a good way to make soup.'
'It was very tasty soup!'
"He's right, it was," Zant nodded. "Cold, though."
'Like the fish-people. Cold and dead.'
'...You know, he's probably right,' his first subconscious decided. 'And besides, leaving without making absolutely sure of their deaths is a great idea! Once the Hero inevitably finds and defrosts them, it'll give him yet another reason why we need to be taken down!'
'You know, maybe you are the fun one,' his second subconscious mused. 'Or at least the genius one.'
"I know, right!?" Zant enthused.
Three days later, the Hero of Twilight and his partner dropped a large and borderline-still-molten rock into the Zora's Domain which promptly melted the ice and freed the Zoras in one fell swoop.
"Thanks... a lot..." a Zora male gasped when the Hero talked to him. "Luckily... we have... oxygen sacs... in our bodies... for... times like... this..."
"What, when a wackjob freezes your home and everyone in it in a bid to take over the kingdom?" Midna asked curiously. "Wow, now that is some preparation."
The Zora just gave her a flat glance before getting back to catching his breath.
"Why wouldn't you make sure your enemies are dead!?" Link sputtered over The Extended History of the Zora Race. "That would literally have made things so much less complicated!"
Rule Number Thirteen: All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
Chapter 15: Rule Number Fourteen
Chapter Text
In the era of the Hero of the Minish, in the final fight against Vaati (not to be confused with a different conqueror of the same name), who never actually took over the kingdom per se, just caused a large amount of general panic. Location – what used to be the Hyrule Castle courtyard before Vaati spawned an alternate dimension on top of it:
Vaati was quite done with the whole fight. Really, this boy should have been obliterated by his power ages ago; he was just annoyingly adept at dodging. Well, that and the fact that Vaati's former master sitting on the boy's head was yelling various bits of helpful advice, like, "Don't go that way, go the other way!" along with "Duck then jump then leap to your left – no, your other left!" and "Aim for the penumbra of his magic, that's the section with the least structural stability and most likely to implode back on him when you hit it!"
The boy paused mid-dodge to give his bird-hat a confused, incredulous look, and Vaati had to agree. Even after spending all those years under Ezlo's tutelage, he still didn't understand all the jargon that came out of that mage's mouth.
Still, on the off chance that his opponent might figure it out, Vaati decided to take it up a notch, just in case.
He concentrated, building up his energy, and used it to take his body to the most powerful form he could manage, a massive demon with arms made of magic and one singular, gigantic eye. He raised his arm, ready to smash it down on his (now assuredly soon-to-be-dead) opponent, and-
"WAIT!" Ezlo bellowed.
Out of sheer habit, Vaati stopped and blinked at his former teacher.
"Don't you know you're supposed to offer Link here a last request?" Ezlo scolded him. "Standard villainous operations, boy. It's only simple courtesy before you kill him."
Under normal circumstances, Vaati would have ignored everything Ezlo had just said and finished them off. However, normal circumstances did not have all his magic, processing power, and various other strenuous things devoted to powering his ultimate form, and as such Vaati was currently thinking at the general level of a Cucco. So this idea that his former master was suggesting seemed perfectly valid to him. He lowered his arm and waited patiently.
"Well boy?" Ezlo squawked noisily at the Hero underneath him. "Make your last request!"
"Can I request to stab him?" the young boy asked after a moment of thought. Vaati frowned.
"Of course," Ezlo nodded. "It's your last request. Vaati here is duty-bound to honor it."
Vaati frowned some more. That... didn't seem quite right... but if Ezlo was saying it, he supposed it made sense...
Of course, when the Hero stabbed him in the eyeball thirty seconds later, Vaati quickly found himself reconsidering that decision.
Link set down the magnifying glass he'd been using to read the astoundingly tiny Picori: Our Lives, Triumphs, and Tribulations, and rubbed at his eyes to get rid of the tension that came from staring at miniscule words for the better part of an hour. He wasn't sure if he'd read all that correctly, especially given the size of the text, but if he had...
"That one's going on the list," Link decided, and moved to get a (thankfully) normal-sized sheet of paper.
Rule Number Fourteen: The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
Chapter 16: Rule Number Fifteen
Chapter Text
In the era of the Hero of Time, somewhere in the middle of the three-day-cycle that either never happened or never ended. Location: Termina, Clock Town:
Majora was nothing if not evil. Most of the reasons that this was obvious were... well, obvious. The Moon, for one, was completely unmissable, and so was its face. The influence it had over the Skull Kid was hard to ignore, and Majora's appearance in itself rather blatantly said, 'I'm inevitably going to creep you out at some point.'
So yes, Majora was evil for all of these reasons. But one of the more subtle reasons was, in its own way, altogether more sinister.
While yes, the Moon was falling and yes, the people of Termina could see it falling, there wasn't exactly a clock on it. There was a general sense of fear, but since nobody could really tell when they would all die, it was unfocused and vague.
This would not do, Majora had decided.
And so the mask had concentrated a portion of its power and created one.
It was small, granted, and hovered at the bottom of the victim's vision. You had to concentrate to really see it, and most of the time the people ignored it and tried to pretend it wasn't there. But in the periphery of every Terminian's vision was a series of digital numbers, slowly and inevitably counting down to the end of the world – the exact time the Moon would crash into their lives and kill them all in a plume of fiery death.
Naturally, this did wonders for the general panic levels.
"Er... Tatl?" the (admittedly younger than he used to be) Hero of Time asked in mild confusion. "Why are there numbers at the bottom of my vision?"
"We don't talk about those," Tatl answered shortly, and with an involuntary shudder.
"But they're counting down to something," the Hero observed. "Whatever it is, it's happening soon."
"We don't talk about those," Tatl repeated with significantly more force than before. "Just.. ignore them."
The Hero eyed her skeptically, but seeing how uncomfortable she was decided to let it go. He most certainly wasn't going to ignore them, though.
Two-and-a-half days later found him connecting the dots between the numbers in his vision to the exact time of the crashing Moon, upon which he immediately used the Ocarina of Time to undo everything that had just happened and proceeded to utilize the countdown to time Majora's defeat almost perfectly.
"...Well, that's either a mass hallucination or an idiotic villain idea," Link decided, closing Strange Phenomena and Odd Sightings of the Terminian Variety. "I mean really, why would you employ a countdown since all it really does is let your enemy know how long he has to stop you?"
He considered that for a moment. "Although... if you used it like... and then... oh. That could work."
Rule Number Fifteen: I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
Chapter 17: Rule Number Sixteen
Chapter Text
In the era of the Hero of Winds, currently chasing a giant squid who was allegedly the conqueror of the time. Due to the popular belief that squid are in fact incapable of conquering, much less kidnapping Princesses, this claim is under debate. Location: Temple of the Ocean King
Bellum, being a squid, was not the most... understandable of creatures.
Now, this wasn't to say that he wasn't vocal. On the contrary, Bellum actually said quite a lot of things. The problem lay in the fact that what he said was obscured by his squid-mouth and his inability to make anything clearer than a bubbling sound.
This had caused him no small amount of problems in the past. For starters, nobody actually knew that he'd taken over the seas because nobody had understood him when he'd announced it. In fact, they'd all thought that the high tide was particularly noisy that day and nobody had thought anything more of it.
Then there was the time he'd petrified that blonde pirate who held some of the most powerful magic Bellum had even seen and attempted to hold her for ransom. Unfortunately, his bubbled demands had been met with a completely blank – albeit furious – expression, and Bellum had instead received an attempted sword to the face.
To this day, he still hadn't gotten his ransom demand, though he was bound and determined to hold the pirate girl until he did.
And take right now, for example. He'd been making very threatening threats towards the Hero the whole fight so far, and none of them had provoked a response. But Bellum knew that the Hero was hearing something, otherwise the boy wouldn't be listening to his fairy's alerts and helpful hints.
As Bellum was in fact a squid, he didn't have the best brain capacity. It had entirely escaped his mind that possibly, the reason nobody ever acknowledged what he was saying was because nobody could understand him.
So in Bellum's mind, it was a perfectly logical thing to do to grab the Hero boy in a tentacle and, right before squeezing him to death, said, "I am going to make this as painful for you as I possibly can. But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know. Why have you been acting like you can't understand me!?"
The Hero paused in his struggling and gave Bellum a confused look.
"...I think it's trying to say something?" the fairy guessed.
The Hero shrugged. "Beats me. All I heard were some energetic bubbling noises."
So saying, the blond boy slipped out of Bellum's tentacle with a sharp twist and used the stillness of the moment to attack. Bellum's last thought before the sword met his eyeball was that he may have made a tactical error in asking a question in the middle of a fight.
Link blinked at the page of Hidden Giants: Squid Beneath the Waves and spent a moment wondering why he was looking in a marine life textbook for information on past villains before remembering that the author couldn't think of a better book to put Bellum in and moved on. Now, of course, squid were recognized as an intelligent race and there were classes one could take on their language, but back then...
"Really though," Link muttered. "Asking a question like that is just asking for it."
Rule Number Sixteen: I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
Chapter 18: Rule Number Seventeen
Chapter Text
In the era of the New Hero of Hyrule, in the alternate dimension of reality known as Lorule currently under the rule of Queen Hilda – who actually did not take over the Kingdom, being the one who was in charge of it in the first place. Location – Lorule Castle:
Hilda marched down the hallway with her hair and dress flaring behind her in the wake she was creating. Ravio, her childhood friend-turned-advisor/Hero, scurried about four steps behind her, trying vainly to keep up with his Princess, and to also not let her know how out-of-breath he was.
"Hilda, it might be wise to lessen your stride," Ravio said quickly, then took a deep breath and continued, "so you do not give the wrong impression to your subjects."
Hilda ignored this entirely. If anything, she began walking faster and veritably exploded through the doors to her throne room, where she stalked up to the dais and began pacing back and forth in front of the royal chair.
"Ravio, we have a problem," Hilda announced, moving rapidly to the left.
"Really? You seemed so calm, I never would have guessed," Ravio said between gasps. Luckily his sarcasm went straight over Hilda's head, who was too busy moving back to the right to notice.
"Lorule is dying," she continued quickly, "and we can't let that happen. We need a plan."
"Well, we could implement a work strategy and hire the local townspeople to help us build public libraries and such," Ravio suggested. "That would help with the unemployment."
Hilda, who was once again power-walking to the left, completely missed his suggestion. "We need something that can fix all the problems we're having, and we need to do it fast."
Ravio blinked, frowned at being ignored, but shook it off as his Princess being deep in thought and said, "What about forming a beautification program? We could start a movement to plant gardens all over Lorule. Not only will they look nice and really help with the dismal atmosphere around here, but they'll provide food for the people as well and give a nice sense of responsibility as a bonus."
Hilda blurred past Ravio's face on her way to the right again, and Ravio could tell that she hadn't heard a single word he'd just said.
"Princess, are you actually asking me for advice or am I just here to be an idea-bouncing wall for you?"
"I'VE GOT IT!" Hilda cried, bowling straight over Ravio's question. "All our problems started when our Triforce was shattered, correct?"
"Yes, but on that topic," Ravio began. "I was thinking we should commission our scientists to construct a better light-source than a magical, breakable set of triangles. That really seems like a design flaw if you ask me."
Hilda, having not asked him, was too busy luxuriating in her solution to notice. "All we need to do is find another Triforce, Ravio! It's perfect!"
Ravio blinked once. Very slowly.
"Hilda," he said carefully. "Are you sure that's the best idea? Won't this other Triforce probably be in use by someone else?"
"Well, I haven't exactly heard you coming up with any better ideas."
Ravio just heaved a deep, deep sigh.
Two days later, Hilda sent Yuga to invade Hyrule, which led to the New Hero of Hyrule being called into action, Ravio running from his Princess and offering his aid to his counterpart instead, and the whole thing resulted in a very large mess that could have been avoided if Hilda had simply asked nicely.
Or, if she had listened to Ravio in the first place.
"...What was the point of having an advisor if she didn't even listen to him?" Link wondered, tilting his head in confusion over The World On the Other Side: A History of Lorule. That seemed highly counterintuitive.
Rule Number Seventeen: When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
Chapter 19: Rule Number Eighteen
Chapter Text
In the era of the Hero of Legend, where said Hero has only just had an odd dream about Princess Zelda and set out on the adventure which would turn his whole life into one large game. Location – Holodrum, which before the Hero got there was rather overlooked as being only notable for Lava Cookies:
Onox was the son of a mildly evil arms dealer who specialized in oversized armor, and a dragon.
...Yeah.
He was under the impression that not even his parents were quite sure how it had happened.
Despite his most unusual origins, Onox had been brought up like any other boy his age who had a gigantic fire-breathing reptile for a mother – with lots of torture and screaming.
Not from him, obviously. That would be child abuse. But his mother's job came with certain necessities that needed to be met, and so Onox had been raised surrounded by pain and suffering. It was fun.
His father, on the other hand, was only mildly evil. Specifically, he was skilled in making people's armor just a bit too big and charging them double when they came back to get it resized. He was also extremely proficient in the art of the 'load of cowcrap' compliment, where he convinced his customers to pay for the resizing by saying, "You know, I bet you've lost weight. You look like you've been working out."
His son the only person he'd ever fit properly for a suit of armor, and that was mostly because his wife had been standing in the doorway and giving him the look which meant, 'I will scorch you into charcoal if you open your stupid mouth.'
It was pretty clear which of his parents Onox took after though, because he soon absolutely towered over his father. Then there was the day he'd discovered that he wasn't just part-dragon, he could actually turn into a dragon. His mother had shed lava-tears of joy and took him on his first village-pillaging, she was so happy.
But then he tried to take over her job. This was unnaceptable, as she very much enjoyed her job and had no interest handing it over to her foolish and laughably unprepared son (she held the title of DRAGON! as given to her by the screams of her enemies right before she incinerated them).
Dragons, as a general rule, are an extremely territorial species, and his mother was no exception. She was also about three centuries older than Onox, and much, much bigger.
She promptly squashed him flat.
It was about this time that Onox was approached by two odd squabbling witch twins with a strange offer involving some sort of Flame. He didn't understand most of what they talked about, but he did catch the name Ganon.
He signed himself up immediately. Wait until his mother heard that he was working for the King of Darkness. That would teach her to treat him like a hatchling.
"...Is he okay?" the Hero of Legend said to nobody in particular as he watched the Dragon that was Onox bellow to the sky. He was catching something like 'What do you think of me now, huh Mom!?' but his Firetongue was only intermediate at best – he had so few people to practice with, most Dragons tried to eat him on sight – but he didn't quite think that a general of Ganon would be taunting his mother at a time like this.
He could be wrong, though.
"Can't believe it took me a month and a half to find this book," Link muttered to himself as he flipped through the pages of How to Tame Your Dragon: A Complete Guide, Lineage and History to This Most Auspicious and Not-At-All-Terrifying Race.
Rule Number Eighteen: I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
Chapter 20: Rule Number Nineteen
Chapter Text
In the era of the Hero of Legend, where said Hero has just picked up his second language and is now thoroughly hooked, if only to have the ability to be that one person that nobody can understand. Location – Labrynna, whose Royal Line has diminished to a single young man with a superiority complex and an unusual obsession with bell-bottom pants and elf shoes:
Veran could be adequately described in three simple words: Daddy's Little Girl. The expression 'wrapped around her finger' was, in fact, coined from the relationship that Veran had with her father and she abused it mercilessly.
It helped, of course, that Veran's father was even more merciless and gladly encouraged his daughter in her ways because it meant that she was becoming just as evil as he was. It was a bad time indeed when 'Take Your Daughter To Work Day' came around, because his job involved killing lots of people very violently and with lots of screaming, and Veran was only too delighted to help out.
It was a matter of curiosity as to how a man of Veran's father's particular level of maliciousness managed to court a woman long enough to have a child with her, but nobody ever lived long enough to figure it out. If they had, they would have discovered that Veran's father was, in fact, a sorcerer, and a scarily good one at that. In truth, Veran didn't actually have a mother. Her father had created her out of his magic, a spider, a beetle, a bee, and some sort of plant that seemed to be an odd mix of algae and a mushroom, which in hindsight likely explained why the girl's skin was an odd tone of green.
None of this mattered to Veran, however, who quite liked her skin tone because it gave her an excuse to decapitate rude villagers when they stared at her. All in all, she was just as much a terror as her father, perhaps even more so.
And then she turned thirteen. And suddenly, boys became absolutely fascinating.
Her father had no idea where he'd gone wrong. One day, his little girl was a darling terror to the people; the next, she was sighing over the pictograph of some teenage heartthrob musician with hair that dangled so low over his eyes that one wondered how he saw where he was going. It baffled him, to be frank.
Veran, for her part, was largely unconcerned by her father's... well, concern. In true teenager fashion, she complained to her latest victim: "Why can't he just accept that this is who I am now?"
Of course, since she then magicked off the unfortunate man's head, this question became a moot point, but her frustration still stood.
And then one day, Veran got a boyfriend. Her father was utterly flabbergasted. So was the rest of the remaining nearby population, who had to wonder how on Earth a girl as violent as Veran had ever managed to catch a boy's affections.
It later turned out, of course, that the boy was actually an up-and-coming hero from some obscure land where Cuccos were not vicious and in fact were considered a delicacy, was not actually interested in Veran in the slightest, and was only tolerating her presence in order to eliminate her father (who had apparently killed his parents, razed their fields, destroyed their livestock, the usual) since being the daughter's boyfriend was the perfect cover – as long as she didn't kill him first.
Veran was unaware of this. Thus, when she found out that her boyfriend was trying to kill her father, it was only logical for her reaction to be, "Wait, you like violent murder too? Why didn't you say so? We can make it a date!"
No one had ever thought that patricide could be romantic before, but somehow Veran made it work.
Of course, then her boyfriend dumped her and went back to his home country, where he married the beautiful princess as a reward for defeating the kingdom's most hated enemy, and Veran turned into a bitter – but beautiful – woman who made it a point to kill every man she came across, as she had an exceedingly low opinion of the gender group. Really, the only reason she agreed to work as one of Ganon's generals was because the two witches who had hired her had the most wonderful sense of carnage.
"I get the feeling," the Hero of Legend said conversationally, "that you don't like me."
Veran glared at the boy and attempted to decapitate him. She missed.
It should be noted, that upon meeting this particular multilingual, ginger-haired boy who did not know when to stop talking, Veran's opinion of men hit rock bottom and never quite managed to recover.
"...Well," Link said, closing The Terror of Labrynna (And Her Father). "That was disturbing."
Rule Number Nineteen: I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
Chapter 21: Rule Number Twenty
Chapter Text
In the era of the Hero of Time, somewhere during the seventh-year-that-may-or-may-not-have-happened that we can all thank Princess Zelda for – she just couldn't leave well enough along, could she? Location – Hyrule, which by this point has an incredibly concerning Gibdo population and a severe lack of exterminators to deal with it:
There were many theories surrounding the Great Fairies of Hyrule.
One was that they were a tribe of banshees who had all gotten hit with an amnesia spell and now lived in fountains because they thought that was normal. Another was that the fairies were conspiring with the Cuccos to take over the world and the Great Fairies met with the Cucco Boss in Kakariko on a regular basis to plan their next move.
Some people just thought that the Greats simply had an unfortunate sense of fashion and were actually quite nice girls, but their opinions were ignored as they clearly had fluff for brains.
There was simply no denying it.
The Great Fairies laughed like maniacal psychopaths and nobody knew how to deal with it.
If there was one thing that always, always separated a villain from a civilian, it was an evil laugh. It was common sense. Ganondorf had an evil laugh, that creature down the well in Kakariko had an evil laugh, the Cuccos had this clucking noise that was an evil laugh approximation – if it was evil, it had a laugh to match, and that was that. It was just how things worked.
And therein lay the conundrum. Great Fairies, without fail, had an evil laugh. No matter where one went, no matter which kind of Great Fairy one might speak with, they always had an evil laugh. It was high-pitched, screechy, cackling, and make whoever heard it want to hide under a rock until it was over.
Yet their actions didn't match their laugh in the slightest. If a wounded Hero came to their fountain, they wouldn't kill him like any other villain would do; rather, they would heal him. If a Princess came asking for their aid in disguise, they would give it. If someone needed to be taught magic, they would teach it. Items needing to be powered up, they upgraded them. It simply didn't add up.
Some folks, the poor ignorant fools, suggested that maybe people were letting the physical attributes of the Greats influence their opinions. This was blatantly true, but there was a good reason for it. Along with her maniacally evil laugh, every Great Fairy unfailingly gave off the impression that she was about to go for someone's throat. Nobody could quite pin down why this was, although there was certainly a lot of speculation about it. Perhaps it was in the way that the Great would stare down her nose at you as she floated above your head, or the way that she wore far too much eyeshadow and made herself look like a disturbing clown. Perhaps it was the way the Greats dressed – that is to say, hardly at all, or maybe it was simply the fact that none of them ever stopped smiling. Ever. Combined with the eyeshadow, this was understandably an unnerving sight.
Yes, there was something off about the Great Fairies. The people just had yet to figure out exactly what.
"Report, Navi," the Violet Great Fairy said, smile ever fixed on her face.
"I'm making progress on the Hero of Time," Navi replied. "He doesn't suspect a thing. He thinks of me as a useless moron who's far too repetitive and dimwitted to actually be of help."
"Excellent," the Great smiled wider. "And what of his sanity?"
"Slowly chipping away, my lady," Navi replied. "I just need to keep saying 'Hey! Listen!' every twenty seconds for the rest of our partnership and he should snap within a few more weeks."
"Well done, my child," the Great Fairy said, and her smile grew ever wider until it morphed into the high-pitched screeching laugh that so many residents of Hyrule feared. It echoed off the rock walls of the fountain and down the entryway of the cave, where the Hero of Time stood dumbfounded.
"I knew there was something wrong with those things!" he muttered.
Link blinked at the book he was holding, then checked the genre sticker to make sure he had the right section. Then he checked again, just to be sure, and blinked some more.
"...Maybe this was misfiled..." he muttered, and got up to ask the librarian if Beware the Screeching Laugh: the Truth the Fairies Don't Want Us to Know was supposed to be under historical nonfiction.
Rule Number Twenty: Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
Chapter 22: Rule Number Twenty One
Chapter Text
In the era of the New Hero of Hyrule, about two weeks before Yuga launched his invasion campaign. Location – the Drablands, in the middle of a very important meeting regarding uniforms:
Yuga examined the armor that Lady Maud had designed for his Painted Army with a fierce scrutiny.
"...About the color," he said, and the Drablands Witch smiled.
"Yes, I was rather proud of that myself," she replied, completely missing Yuga's actual point. "I specifically coded this color of green to be highly reminiscent of vomit so that any goodie-two-shoes who looks directly at it will be too busy throwing up to do anything about the actual invasion."
Yuga glanced doubtfully at his troops out of the corner of his eye in an effort to avoid said effects himself. Several of his troops were dry-heaving at the sight of each other, though Yuga supposed he could be at least grateful that no actual vomit was involved. It was one of the perks of being made of paint.
"I do not doubt your skill in that regard," he said delicately. "But when the effect is not solely limited to my enemies, it becomes somewhat of a hindrance."
"But of course I thought of that!" Maud sniffed. "To counteract the effects on your own men I have given each of them a specialized helmet."
That brought Yuga to another point he was trying to make. "And they work admirably, my Lady, but they seem to function by not letting the wearer see at all."
"Yes," Lady Maud said unashamedly. "And?"
Yuga stared down at the woman and opened his mouth to comment, then closed it. He tried again, and at length he managed, "Part of their job is lookout."
"Are they looking out at each other?" Maud asked in a detached manner. "No. They are looking out at your enemies. Therefore they will not need to wear the helmets while on lookout."
"Will you at least consider widening the visor a bit?" Yuga tried. Lady Maud paused, then lowered her sunglasses and somehow managed to glare down at Yuga despite him being two feet taller than her.
"Which one of us is the fashion genius?" she asked archly.
"You are, ma'am," Yuga agreed readily. Lady Maud had designed the outfit he was wearing right now, and he had to say that it fit him fabulously.
...Everything else about it was mildly suspect, but the fit was worth it. He had never known puff-pants could be so insanely comfortable.
"Exactly. One does not mess with fashion genius," Maud continued, mollified. "Does that answer your question?"
If Yuga really thought about it, his question had actually been trampled on and tossed out the window as opposed to being answered, but he was on a deadline and he was just grateful that the Lady Maud had the time for his commissions at all.
"Thank you for your time, my Lady," he said with a bow.
A few months later, a Private and a Captain tried to figure out how exactly they were supposed to do their job when they couldn't even see where they were going, much less an intruder. The Hero, for his part, would forever wonder who would be possibly foolish enough to equip their legions with faulty equipment.
At least, until he stumbled into the land of Hytopia and was confronted with a jumpsuit that held suspiciously similar qualities to the armor of Yuga's Painted Army. He never vocalized his suspicions, but suddenly Yuga's outfit and those Din-awful pants he'd been wearing made a whole lot more sense.
"Her early work really was cringe-worthy," Link muttered as he scanned the work history of one Maud Couture. Thank goodness that the Princess Styla had taken the woman under her wing after that jumpsuit debacle and taught her taste to go along with her fabulous sense of sizing.
Rule Number Twenty One: I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
Chapter 23: Rule Number Twenty Two
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In the era of the Hero of the Minish, where Vaati has just realized his mistake with the Light Force from earlier and has kidnapped Zelda-As-A-Statue while thoroughly ignoring the fact that if he'd done his research properly he could have finished the job a whole lot sooner. Location – Hyrule Castle, which admittedly has seen better days by this point:
Light Force.
For something with such a flashy-sounding name, one would think it would be easier to find. But nooooo, it had to go and be so well hidden that Vaati was forced to put a halt on his searching and let his old mentor and that little blond child sniff it out instead.
Ridiculous.
Even worse was the fact that, apparently, they didn't know where the stuff was either. He'd been subtly tracking them all across Hyrule for weeks now, going back and forth and back and forth and back again, going to every obscure little corner that Hyrule had, talking with every Elder they came across, reading every old legend, and making progress that Vaati had actually fallen asleep while waiting on them.
Twice.
But now, now all of his irritation and annoyance and frustration was coming to fruition. He had the location of the Light Force. He had the Princess.
The irony of the whole situation was unfortunately not lost on him, but he ignored it with the sheer stubbornness of a narrow-minded villain. Because, at last, he had what he'd come for, and there was nothing his infuriating mentor could do about it. Because he was a hat, and hats had no legs, and the blond boy who had been looped into being Ezlo's surrogate legs was too busy standing and staring to stop the Mage in time.
The thought made Vaati indulge in a decadent bout of maniacal laughter. He'd learned the technique from a Great Fairy he'd met once in his youth – she'd been such a lovely person.
Laughter over with, Vaati concentrated on the petrified form of the Princess Zelda and slowly, painstakingly, drew out the Light Force that resided in her body. It coalesced into a ball and shone like the sun. It was beautiful.
And then Vaati ate it.
Well. Technically, he absorbed it into his magical power reservoirs and integrated it into his spell network... but basically, he was doing the equivalent of eating it.
Of course, everything went entirely downhill from there, beginning with a general haze of power-induced madness and ending with an utterly stupid decision to give the little blond boy a Last Request. And really, after that, it just wasn't worth mentioning as far as Vaati was concerned.
Link closed the incredibly tiny Picori: Our Lives, Trials, and Tribulations for the second time, carefully set the magnifying glass aside, and spent a few moments wondering why on earth did I think subjecting my eyes to that torture was necessary for a second time?
...Because he'd quit halfway through the first time, that was why.
On the bright side, he did have a new Rule for the list.
Rule Number Twenty Two: No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
Chapter 24: Rule Number Twenty Three
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In the era of the Hero of the Wild, one hundred years and a few months after the takeover of Calamity Ganon, which really hasn't done the state of Hyrule any favors. Location – the Divine Beast Vah Ruta, which is currently hosting a fight between the Hero and the Waterblight Ganon:
When Calamity Ganon had set up shop in Hyrule Castle and begun doing his darnedest to Kill All The Things, one of its top priorities had been to get rid of the Champions and the Divine Beasts that said Champions were driving. This had resulted in four distinct facets of Calamity splitting off and corrupting the Divine Beasts as separate entities, which unfortunately for the Champions meant that the creations they once piloted now turned around and killed them.
Well, technically the Blight Ganonskilled the Champions, but they used the fact that the Divine Beasts were in fact machinery and had a lot of moving inner parts and some moving parts could function as very efficient blunt hammers of death. The Blight Ganons also wielded things like very large Spears of Death, and Swords of Death, and Cannons of Death, and several other implements that were fancy and technological and had Death in their name because they were very good at inflicting said Death and the maker of these tools did not have the most creative naming scheme.
Needless to say, nobody but the Blight Ganons enjoyed all that death. But then, the Blight Ganons were made of hatred and corruption and a lot of other nasty things, and so it made sense. Depressing, bloodthirsty, terrible sense, but sense nonetheless.
Back to the point. Which was that Calamity Ganon had a rather finely-honed sense of irony, and took great pleasure in corrupting the very mechanical marvels that had been created to destroy it, turning said marvels on their creators, and destroying said creators instead. In fact, Calamity enjoyed this tactic so much, that the beast used it in basically everything that needed to be done. Naturally this trait (and finely-honed sense of irony) carried over into the Blights as well, and in a rather odd twist of fate, Hyrule ended up being conquered by a small group of tech nerds.
And then the Hero deigned to show up. And while Calamity had planned for the Hero (had actually been planning for the Hero since day one of Hyrule's conquering), it had been a hundred years and a few odd months since said planning, and the main points of the whole thing had rather been lost in the meantime. Even worse was the fact that the Blights had been separate from Calamity for an equal amount of time, and any connection they might have originally had with the main body had also been rather lost in the meantime. They all still knew the goal, of course; but essentially everything else had... slipped, a bit.
Which was how, when the Hero showed up in the Waterblight's territory and the Waterblight prepared to smite the boy to smithereens, it was soundly thrashed by way of the most un-technological of weapons possible: a sharp piece of metal mounted on a stick, a larger piece of metal flattened out into a square, and a curved piece of metal with a stretchy bit that launched very small pieces of metal mounted on comparatively very long pieces of wood and finished with a bit of detached bird on the end.
Divine Beats, the Blight Ganons knew how to deal with. Guardians, absolutely. Shrines and Towers, piece of cake. Give them anything with gears, hydraulics, and an unknown-but-incredibly-strong power source, and they were good to go.
But a sword, shield, and a bow and arrow?
Ironically enough, not that any of them appreciated it, the items that led to their destruction were just too low-tech to compute.
Link tilted his head and contemplated the latest book from the ever-growing pile he was accumulating on his library table. The Silent Princess: Memoirs of Her Time with the Calamity was a disturbingly long book and went into quite a lot of detail about how the Calamity Ganon had thought and acted – which made sense, considering how the Princess who had been interviewed for this book had been sealed with the beast for just over a century.
What an odd mistake for a creature like that to make though.
"Maybe that's why the elderly complain so much about young kids these days not having the skills of past generations," Link muttered to himself, as he pulled out his lengthening list and added a new Rule to it.
Rule Number Twenty-Three: I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way - even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless - my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
Chapter 25: Rule Number Twenty Four
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In the era of the Hero of Legend, where, after dealing with an imprisoned Princess, a falsified Wanted poster, more treks through sewers than were strictly necessary, and a lot of unwanted jaunts as a pink(?!) rabbit, the local Hero is rather ready to finish the whole mess. Location - Hyrule Castle:
Agahnim was a naturally smug man. Most of this was due to his profession, his lifestyle, his rank in society, and so forth. It was, after all, historically rather difficult not to get a big head when you were the King's sorcerer and had his ear in almost every matter. Not to mention that, when the King would ask you for advice, and then actually use it, that tended to buff up one's self-importance as well. Plus, living in a castle would give anyone a bloated sense of superiority, and again, he was the King's sorcerer. How many people could say that?
One, that's who, and Agahnim was that one man.
As a result, he just sort of… forgot how to be humble after a while. He was one of the most important men in the kingdom, after all. Everyone could see how great he was.
And then it occurred to him - why not be the greatest?
So, as you do, he betrayed the King, threw the Princess in the dungeons, took command of the Royal Guard, and performed what more or less amounted to a perfect coup in the span of twenty-four hours.
This, naturally, did not do anything to lessen his opinion of himself.
By the time a Hero rose up to stop him, Agahnim considered himself unstoppable. The reveal that he was the avatar of Ganon only reinforced this idea more. In fact, he was so sure of his superiority that, right up until the Hero of Legend stabbed him in the chest, he hadn't even considered the idea that he might lose.
The sword sticking out between his ribs put a bit of a damper on that belief, though.
"What?" Agahnim rasped, staring blankly at the blatantly fatal injury to his person. "But… I am unstoppable."
"So you keep saying," the Hero wheezed from the pommel end of the blade.
"No," Agahnim muttered, then repeated, louder, "No! This cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!"
Of course, since he was absorbed into Ganon immediately after saying this and consequently ceased to exist, his words didn't come off with quite the effect he'd wanted them to.
Link closed his latest book, The Memoirs of a Traveling Hero, and reached for his list. Agahnim seemed like exactly the kind of idiot he could learn a lot from.
Rule Number Twenty-Four: I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
Chapter 26: Rule Number Twenty-Five
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Ten-thousand years before the Hero of the Wild, where the Sheikah Tribe have just finished the first batch of their brand-new Calamity fighting robots. Location - the testing grounds, Hyrule Field:
The Leader of the Sheikah Tribe stared intently at the blueprints the head Architect of the Guardian project had just provided her. Then she looked up at the actual Guardian, standing alert and glowing blue just in front. She glanced to her left, where the head Architect stood waiting. Then back to the blueprints. Then at the Guardian again. Back down to the blueprints. Slowly, the skin on her forehead furrowed.
“Correct me if I am wrong,” the Leader began, “for I am not an Architect, nor am I skilled in the ways of machines. But it seems to me that, this design appears to have a blatantly glaring weak point?”
The Architect leaned over to see the portion of the blueprint that his Leader was indicating.
“Ah, yes, that’s entirely correct,” he said, not at all sounding like that was a problem. “There is a weak point in that location.”
His Leader gave him a pointed - and bewildered - stare. “And… you don’t think that might be a problem later? This is the Calamity we’re dealing with.”
“Yes, that’s why the weak point doubles as the laser port,” the Architect explained.
“But according to these,” the Leader insisted, gesturing to the blueprints, “the eye of a Guardian is the access point to literally all of the internal functions. One hit of the proper amount of power and the whole thing explodes .”
“That is true, yes,” the Architect agreed serenely.
For a moment, the two Sheikah stood in baffled silence.
“ Why,” the Leader said, pinching the bridge of her nose between her fingers, “was this the version of the Guardians that made it to production?”
“Because it was the first working version that didn’t have the spontaneous self-destructing issue and we are running on a very tight schedule, ma’am,” the Architect reported. His Leader squeezed her eyes shut at the reminder; the Calamity, much to everyone’s growing terror, was all but scheduled to make an appearance by sometime next week, and the King of Hyrule had basically told the Sheikah that, flaws or no, the country needed a defense system now . And, to be fair, the spontaneous self-destructing issue had stubbornly refused to be solved until very, very recently.
“Okay,” the Leader said, removing her hand from her eyes. “Is everything else shielded, at least?”
“The Guardians are virtually indestructible at any other spot,” the Architect informed her.
The Leader let out a heavy breath through her nose. “Well then, let’s hope this doesn’t come back to bite us.”
The Calamity ended up attacking right on schedule, and was quickly and promptly contained. Unfortunately, the ease of this feat meant that none of the Sheikah actually bothered to remember to write down the bit about the weak point in the Guardian’s armor, and subsequently, when the Calamity broke free a thousand years later and exploited that same weak point to take over the entire Guardian force, the whole thing ended rather badly for the Hylians that day.
Interestingly enough, it never occurred to the Calamity that the same passage it had used to infect Guardians with Malice was also wide open for any other sort of input as well. Granted, the Calamity was a roiling mass of hate and magic and didn’t have the clearest thought process, but one would think that it was just common sense to shut the door behind them. But, then again, the door shot lasers. It would be fine.
Of course, a hundred more years later, the Hero of the Wild discovered that if he shot a particular kind of arrow in this exact spot on a Guardian’s head, the whole thing would explode like a TNT barrel on Death Mountain. He then proceeded to use this knowledge to storm Hyrule Castle and beat the crap out of a great deal of Corrupted machinery along the way.
(Somewhere in the afterlife, a Sheikah Leader and her Architect looked at each other awkwardly.
“When that kid gets here, you are apologizing for that mess,” the Leader ordered.
“Yes ma’am,” her Architect mumbled obediently.)
“Well that’s a bit unfortunate,” Link muttered to himself, staring at the pages of The Sheikah Conspiracy: The Real Reason why Their Technology is so Susceptible to Corruption. The author was a bit of a crackpot, and seemed to have gotten the Sheikah mixed up with the Yiga, but ironically enough his research was sound. In any case…
Link reached for his parchment.
“Rule… Number… Twenty… Five…”
Rule Number Twenty-Five: No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
Chapter 27: Rule Number Twenty-Six
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In an unclear era, due to a literal smashing of the space-time continuum resulting in a lot of conflicting Hyrules at one. Location - the Valley of Seers:
Cia’s problem was simple: her One True Love hadn’t yet realized that they belonged together. All her other problems were clearly resulting from this one main problem, and therefore if she solved that one, she solved all of them.
This was, of course, blatantly untrue, because regardless of how Cia herself felt about it, her alter-ego would most certainly take a different opinion, but love makes people do stupid things and Cia was fairly positive that once the Hero became aware of their destiny together, Lana would immediately abandon her little crusade and rejoin the side that made sense. All she had to do was make the Hero see the truth, and everything else would fall into place.
So it made perfect sense to immediately kidnap the Hero of the Resistance and have him put in her personal Shrine To His Beauty room so that she could spend some quality time with him.
Unsurprisingly to literally everybody but Cia, this did not go according to her plan. Her plan involved the Hero falling in love with her, switching sides in the war and helping her achieve her rightful place as his Queen over all existence, proposing, engagement, marriage, approximately three children and then five eventual grandchildren, and a cat. Somewhere along the line, that meddlesome Princess would be put to death and Lana would become her beloved sister (because unfortunately this whole split-in-our-being thing was permanent), and later favorite aunt to the children, and would also have a small dog to be company for her own cat. They would all live happily together outside of Time forever and ever, amen.
It was a very complex (and slightly delusional) plan, and one that Cia had spent several years imagining to herself. It also took into account exactly none of the personalities or opinions of the other people involved in the plan. For example, the Hero was of the opinion that Cia was slightly deranged and a definite stalker, and if he ever got around to being interested in this whole ‘romance’ thing, she would be at the very bottom of the list of people he would never ever consider proposing to.
Therefore, it once again surprised nobody but Cia when the Hero responded to being kidnapped by completely and utterly blowing holes in Cia’s Life-Plan, both figuratively and literally, because he blasted himself out of her room and left a gaping void in the wall where the door used to be and Cia had been planning for her room to play a rather large part in the making of the afore-mentioned children. The kidnapping also gave the Hero a very healthy sense of vengeance and abhorrence, several steps up from the previous feelings of vague aversion he’d held before.
And lastly, nobody but Cia was surprised when, several days after this incident, the Resistance met Cia on the battlefield and the Hero did his level best to drive the Master Sword through her face.
But he did look so very attractive while doing it.
Link slowly pulled his head out of his latest book, A Study of Might-Have, or Possibly, Never-Did Events , and carefully rearranged his features back into neutral interest as opposed to the squinted revulsion he’d been reading with. That… had been a disturbingly stalker-ish motive. Link didn’t even feel sorry about this one.
Rule Number Twenty-Six: No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
Chapter 28: Rule Number Twenty-Seven
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In the era of the Hero of Time, where Majora has just gotten fed up with the world enough that it decided to just blow the whole thing up and be done with it. Location - well it’s a bit hard to say, but somewhere up in space, probably:
There was a certain point in every villain’s life where they just became done with it all. At this stage, it becomes hard to simply care about anything, ever, and it’s just easier to set it all on fire.
Majora had the distinction of arriving at this point in its life a record-breaking ten minutes after coming into awareness in the first place, which understandably had some lasting effects on how it viewed the world.
Specifically, Majora did not like the world. Majora did not like much of anything, really. In fact, Majora would have proudly stated that it didn’t like anything at all, except there had been that one time where it had, in a fit of disgusted boredom, set a Cucco on fire. The end result hadn’t been very pretty, and the Cucco of course had walked away unscathed, but the fire had gotten spread to an awful lot of buildings in the meantime, and in that moment Majora discovered the one thing about the world that it didn’t actually hate.
Burning things was actually kind of… fun.
Therefore, when Majora one day decided that, you know what, this whole ‘existence’ thing was just a bit overrated, it made perfect sense to get rid of it all via fire, death, and screaming.
And because Majora was Extra in all the wrong ways, it decided that the perfect method of accomplishing this would be to launch the moon at the planet.
This, of course, required getting up to the moon in the first place, which took some doing. Then Majora spent quite a lot of energy, magic, and emotional baggage carving the moon into its own image, and then imbuing the moon with its will. Because the moon was, of course, very large and solidly made of rock, this took quite a while. The end result, however, was a Nightmare Fuel abomination hanging in the sky, and Majora felt very proud of this.
Or, you know, as proud as it could be, given that it actively hated everything.
The one downside to the Moon (and it was a capital Moon now, just because Majora felt like it) was that there was no way Majora could make a second one. It had taken far too much time and effort for just this one, and Majora was too impatient to go through it all again. Plus, the next nearest moon was, like, a really long ways away , and Majora didn’t have the patience for that either. So, just this Moon it was. And really, it was an entire Moon. Who could stop it even if they wanted to?
Approximately three days after Majora had this thought, a little elfling boy in a green tunic somehow managed to find Giants of all things and proceeded to shove the Moon straight back into the sky, purified and all. Majora spent about twelve seconds being absolutely infuriated by this, mostly because that was the only Moon it had prepped and did that Hero even know how much work that had taken?
Of course, then the Hero brought out Majora’s Fierce Deity brother, and the two of them hadn’t gotten along in… ever, so that went about as well as it could have been expected.
Link, at some point upon realizing that this project was getting too big for him to coherently account for all by himself, had enlisted the help of one of the library’s tutors. Her name was Zelda, and she was currently staring, eyes squinted in equal parts concentration and confusion, at the notes Link had just taken from the book, The Science and Mathematics of Controlling Astral Bodies.
Link meanwhile, knowing from experience that Zelda was going to be confused for a while yet, pulled out his list and scribbled down another observation. The Moon actually would have been a great idea, if there’d just been a backup.
Rule Number Twenty-Seven: I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
Chapter 29: Rule Number Twenty-Eight
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In the era of the Four Sword, but not to be confused with the other Four Sword, which came earlier and had significantly more individuality issues, where Vaati is just beginning to plot his conquering of Hyrule. Location - the Palace of Winds, where Vaati has just dug a Dark Mirror out of obscurity:
Vaati was convinced that he was amazing at three things: architecture, interior design, and conquering. He was also utterly oblivious to the fact that it was only the last of those three that he was actually amazing at.
Well. ‘Amazing’ might have been a bit of a strong word there, but Vaati did make for a pretty decent conquerer. His skill, or lack thereof, in architecture was a problem to be addressed at a later time, when a certain set of Four heroes would make their way into his lair via a very oversized air duct.
The interior decorating misbelief came into play a bit earlier, when Vaati decided he wanted a Dark Mirror as the focal point in his Main Hall.
In all fairness, he was on the right track. He just had the Mirror in a room with terrible lighting, in a place where everybody had to walk around it to get where they wanted to go, and also were too freaked out half the time to work up the courage to walk around it. The reason for that last one, was that the Dark Mirror turned out to contain an impression of the Hero from an age gone by, and it was understandably terrifying for the average minion to walk past what they thought was a perfectly normal reflection and then suddenly also see their most feared foe’s reflection standing right behind them.
Vaati, who had in fact gotten the Mirror from a secondhand repair shop, was a bit baffled by this development. It was only supposed to be made with repurposed glass found in the remains of the old Arbiter’s Grounds in the desert, he had no idea where that magical imprint was coming from. But, like all great conquerers, Vaati saw an opportunity and promptly twisted the Hero’s Impression into something more fit for his own personal uses.
Dark Shadow Link, named such because Vaati couldn’t decide on either one or the other, somehow managed to be worse on the minions’ nerves than his former incarnation as a semi-sentient Heroic Reflective Impression. This was mostly because he eyed them balefully and gave off the impression that he’d quite like to go for all their throats if he were free of the Mirror.
Given that this was exactly what he did do on the day that he really did break free of the Mirror, the minions felt that their fear had been justified. Vaati wasted no time in leashing Dark Shadow Link to his own will, because any creature that would go for the throat of an ‘ally’ was most certainly the kind of creature he wanted to be able to point at his ‘enemies’.
Unfortunately, this was where another one of Vaati’s weaknesses came into play. Along with being bad at architecture and interior design, he also wasn’t that great at plans. Sending your Dark Shadow Copy of the Hero after the Current Incarnation of the Hero and not expecting your Dark Shadow Copy to promptly get infected with courage and heroics and decency was an incredibly dumb plan.
Vaati, naturally, decided to do exactly that.
When his Dark Shadow Link turned up again, fully on the side of the Heroes and pulling off a very impressive double-agent act to get them into Vaati’s Lair, Vaati decided that maybe that Dark Mirror hadn’t been the best idea.
No, he definitely should have put it by the window instead, that would have been a much better place for it.
Link slid his latest book, On The Placement Of Mirrors Dark And Light , over to Zelda, who was becoming increasingly stressed and confused in equal measure as she did her best to help Link organize his thesis research. Link, meanwhile, slapped a sticky note down into the most important chapter and moved on with the efficiency of a person too used to the insanity to be bothered anymore.
He did, however, quickly scrawl down ‘Rule Number Twenty-Eight’ before grabbing his next book from the pile.
Rule Number Twenty-Eight: My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
Chapter 30: Rule Number Twenty-Nine
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In the era of the Triforce Heroes, but not quite yet, because the Hero is still taking care of that whole Lorule business and hasn’t got to Hytopia yet, where Lady Maud has just decided that she was done with this whole ‘being nice’ thing. Location - the future site of the Drablands, which aren’t necessarily drab yet, but are well on their way:
Maud Attire Vogue Raiment Dernier cri Couture was an unappreciated genius.
...Possibly.
Maud herself certainly held this opinion. Other people, not so much. For example, Maud was thoroughly convinced that the best way to wear wool was as undergarments. Everyone else was thoroughly convinced that this was unbearably itchy. Several of her models developed rashes; one broke out in hives.
On the bright side, the fit had been fabulous before the issues started.
Other mishaps included the ‘royal purple absolutely does look good with puce yellow, what kind of critique is that’ incident, the ‘of course red looks fabulous with your skin tone’ incident, and the ‘yes ankle pants are still in dear, don’t worry about it’ incident. (In order: royal purple did not look good with puce yellow, red was in fact a terrible color on that particular model, and ankle pants had actually gone out of style six months ago at that particular moment in time. And those were just some of the milder instances.)
After a particularly unfortunate fashion disaster that ended with Maud being kicked out of fashion school, she decided that she’d had enough. If the uncultured plebeian populace couldn’t appreciate her art? Fine then! She’d leave. She’d leave, and then she’d come back, and when she did she’d have something that even the Princess herself would adore!
And in the meantime, she’d hone her fashion-craft until it was sharp enough to stab somebody with. Preferably, the moronic Head of the Fashion Department.
Rather unexpectedly, at least in Maud’s opinion, the longer she spent away from society, the larger of a reputation she garnered. She wasn’t even doing anything, aside from expressing her sense of style. How that made her a Witch was beyond her - well, okay yes, she did use her magic to do things like experiment with new patterns for rayon and to ‘borrow’ materials from her sister. But that hardly made her a witch.
And then Princess Styla completely misinterpreted her generous jumpsuit gift and everything went downhill from there. Suddenly, Maud was not only the Drablands Witch (and when had people started calling her home the Drablands?) but she had uncountable Heroes banging on her door in a misguided attempt to break the ‘curse’.
How dare those miserable fashion-backwards fools call her gift a curse!?
That did it, Maud decided. They wanted a villain? She’d give them a villain.
But first, she needed the outfit for it.
(It almost immediately caused the eyes of anyone who looked at it to bleed, but Maud had actually been going for that effect this time around.)
“Got one for you,” Zelda mumbled, and pushed an open book over to Link, the pages already flipped to the pertinent information. Link squinted at it appraisingly.
“That’s… actually good,” he said, considerably surprised. “I think that might be a first. Usually I have to take notes on what not to do.”
“Start a separate notebook,” Zelda replied absently, already reaching for another tome. “One for the good ideas, one for the bad. Organization is important.”
“If this keeps up I’m gonna need to start color-coordinating,” Link sighed.
Rule Number Twenty-Nine: I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
Chapter 31: Rule Number Thirty
Chapter Text
In the era of the Lorule Invasion, which was somehow managing to successfully disguise itself as a different invasion, even though none of the participants made any sort of efforts to disguise themselves as not being from Lorule. Location - look, the topographical equivalence of transdimensional relationships is not an easy thing to calculate, okay?
Ravio was… having a bad day, to put it mildly. He was pretty sure he’d been kicked out of his home dimension - well, maybe not kicked out but he was still fairly positive that he wasn’t welcome there at the moment. His Princess wasn’t listening to him, which made him feel like he wasn’t doing his job as an advisor. And Yuga was… existing , so that naturally catapulted things from bad to worse in the way that Yuga often made things do.
Also there was the part where his Princess actively planned to invade the next dimension over and steal their source of power. Also there was the part where Ravio felt very firmly that Hilda Should Not Do That and took it upon himself to warn the next dimension over before any lasting damage could be done. Also there was the part where Ravio was an incredible coward and really wasn’t sure how he hadn’t chickened out yet, because he was actually standing in the next dimension over at this very moment.
...He may or may not be panicking about all these things, but hey, at least his emotions knew what was up.
Okay. He could do this. Ravio took a deep breath and evaluated his options. He could… warn this dimension’s Princess? Which would require finding the Castle, getting past the Guards, and breaking through his own inability to talk to strangers to explain to a foreign ruler that he was from a neighboring dimension that was actively planning to invade but no it’s okay I’m here to warn you about it-!
Yeah, that was going to land him in prison, and Ravio did not have the mental strength to deal with prison. And that was assuming that he’d manage to make it past his crippling fear of social interaction to even get to being thrown into prison.
New plan. He could… join this dimension’s Hero? Ravio felt like he had some experience in that area, it shouldn’t be too bad. He’d just have to brace himself for the dungeon slogging, and the monsters... and the inevitable near-death-experiences… and… the…
Suddenly Ravio remembered why his Hero experience was limited to a single, solitary dungeon crawl. Yeah, he… he would be more of a hindrance than a help if he tried that.
New new plan. Ravio could accept the fact that the idea of any sort of hands-on assistance from his end made his voice die in his throat and his legs feel like they were going to give out on him, and offer help from a distance. He still had all the Hero Gear that his Princess had given him for the job, before he’d decided that being an advisor was a lot safer and less stressful. It wasn’t like Ravio was using it, so what if he gave to this dimension’s Hero instead? His stuff was all sorts of useful, the Hero would probably appreciate it.
...plus, Heroes picked up a lot of money in dungeons, didn’t they? Ravio was currently flat broke, so maybe he should set up a rental service instead of just straight-up giving his stuff away. Seemed like it’d give the Hero a nice place to spend all that money he’d be picking up.
Link’s latest book was titled A Savior’s Companions, and it took the very odd direction of focusing not on the past Heroes, nor the past Princesses, nor even the past Conquerers, and instead putting all attention on the ‘little people’, so to speak, of past times. Apparently, there were quite a few invasions that would have gone off without a hitch had the civilian populace not supported the Hero. (Though, Link really wasn’t sure why a Lorule native was in a book that focused on Hyrule peoples.)
“As long as you cite it properly you can get away with anything,” Zelda said when Link asked her about the viability of the information.
“Good to know,” Link replied, and eagerly eyed a shelf of books that he’d previously thought off-limits. Once he wrote down this newest information, he was gonna get creative.
Rule Number Thirty: All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
Chapter 32: Rule Number Thirty-One
Chapter Text
In the era of the Twilight Invasion, which has the distinction of being one of the worst-documented invasions in Hyrule’s history due to the inability of the hylian populace to notice that they were being invaded, since said invasion manifested itself as a looming feeling of fear and very little else. Location - Hyrule Castle Town, down the center path, take the right-hand fork, go down the stairs, and look for a hole in the wall. If there’s a door in the hole, then you’ve found it, and it’s an oddly popular location despite being so very hard to find:
Telma had seen the invasion coming from a figurative mile away.
...Well, maybe more like a figurative half-mile. Quarter-mile. Five-hundred feet.
Yes, okay, it had caught her completely off guard and she was still mad about that, thank you very much, but the point was that she was fighting, darnit!
Honestly. She may not have seen this coming but she was not going to lie down and be walked on by some unseen, unknown conqueror. Telma was too stubborn for that.
And conveniently enough, the perfect excuse to get involved happened to walk right through her tavern door one day.
Telma was all too delighted to offer her assistance to the Hero, especially after he proved that he was worthy of that assistance when he helped her escort the poor Zora Prince to Kakariko. Now here, finally, was someone who knew what he was doing, or at least seemed to know what he was doing. How he seemed to know what he was doing was a bit of a conundrum to Telma, but she supposed that as long as the job got done, did it really matter how?
It proved to be the best decision she’d ever made, because this boy made results happen as though he was fishing for them in a barrel with a net. Within a span of mere weeks, the Resistance was fully realized and ready to storm the Castle, and Telma was right there in the middle of it.
This so-called conqueror wasn’t going to know what hit him.
There were so many good options when Link looked at books outside of the past legends of the Heroes! Journals, diaries, food logs, shipping invoices, the complete list of everyone who still owed the library money…
No wait, those were just his late fees. Link stuffed that one into his pocket (he was busy, he’d pay them later!) and grabbed for the nearest pen. This tavern logbook had some incredibly suspicious activity after hours, on a curiously consistent basis, and that smelled like an underground rebellion to him.
Next to him, Zelda eyed the maniacal grin on his face and quietly contemplated whether or not she would regret teaching him the wondrous loopholes of Properly Cited Sources.
...Probably.
Rule Number Thirty-One: All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
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