Chapter Text
Felix Lee,
It's been exactly a whole year since we broke up. Exactly a year since I broke your heart and you broke mine. It feels like a movie; I can replay any scene of what happened a year ago without effort. I remember it so vividly, as if it happened yesterday. But there's no happiness to it, no pride nor joy: just misery and regret and pain and suffering and what I did will forever haunt me. I cannot escape it. I have no way out.
A year ago today a part of me died. My heart became rotten and envious and blind, and I failed to be there for you. I failed to be the companion you needed. When you came home with Jisung and you told me you had leukemia, I gave my back to you. I pushed you away, because I was mad that you had kept it to yourself, mad that you hurt me by not telling me what had been bothering you for months, mad that you did not trust me enough to tell me the truth and that you ran to Jisung's arms instead, when it should've been into mine. Envy got the best of me, I was so insecure. I hated you so much that day, I cursed your existence. I was mad at myself, and I took it out on you; I was mad because I always lost the people I loved the most, I was tired of always losing the people I care about. Nothing ever good happens to me, and I know it's not my fault but I can't help it. I know my erratic behaviour has no justification but I didn't want to lose you. I broke your heart, because you had broken mine.
Even after you told me that you had hidden it because you didn't want to hurt me I cursed you, and I called you selfish and insensitive and I'm deeply sorry I made you weaker, I'm sorry I made you cry. I rejected you, but by doing so, I was blindingly saying goodbye to a part of myself and a part of my life. I thought we had more time.
I wish I could've stopped your crying. I wish I could've held you in my arms, and whisper into your ear that everything would be alright, that you didn't have to worry about anything. After all, you only needed my support. My strength, my comfort, and I failed to give that to you. Instead, I kicked you out.
I can picture you looking for an old picture or a text message you forgot to delete, just to remind yourself that at one point you did matter to me. That it wasn't all a lie, that our love had been real. That for even just a moment I were all you thought about. I wish I hadn't been the reason you were unable to fall asleep at night, I wish I hadn't been the reason your walls broke down. I know it wasn't easy without me, it wasn't easy for me without you either. But I did this to us, and I'll live to regret every single time I caused you anguish. You had to carry on without me, now I have to do the same.
Nine months ago you left us, and I thought that leaving you had been the worst part. Nine months have gone by, but I'm still the same fragile, coward, selfish self I've always been. Your passing has changed me, and now I see things more clearly: I need to take advantage of the time I spend with people, because they could be gone in an instant. I don't want to live with more regrets than I already do.
I paid Jisung a visit: he is better than I thought he would be. He misses you, of course, like everybody you ever met does. Your absence hurts. He's still writing music, and uses you as a muse, as a source of inspiration; the way I used to. I hope he finds love again. He also showed me some lyrics you wrote, and I knew that you were inspired by me, I could see it all over the paper. The emotion, the rawness, the cruelty; it was beautiful. I'm glad you didn't stop writing after we broke up. I could also sense your feelings for Jisung, and I'm pleased with it, I knew he did his best to cure you, to push you forward. I thanked him.
I think I'm falling in love again. You were right, I am capable of loving someone after all. I should've loved you better, louder, recklessly, selfishly. I was madly in love with you. A part of me always will, because you were my first love. Seungmin's a great partner, and I know he's not you and that he never will—I don't want him to— but I like him. He makes me feel good about myself. He gives me reasons to stay alive, and this time I won't let myself make the same mistakes I did with you; once is enough.
Our love was passionate but unfortunate. It was blissful, but toxic. We were uncorresponded soulmates, but we were still soulmates. My youth belongs to you, and only you. A part of you lives within me, a part I therefore am unable to detach from myself.
I guess all these past months, the letters, were a way to atone for my mistakes. It was a way of pretending you were still here, still alive, just for me to cope with the breakup, that led to your untimely passing. I'm going to go to your grave later on, and look at the letters piled up against your gravestone once more, before I turn back and weep. I'll never get over you.
It's my final letter: this marks the end but it's just the beginning. This new chapter in my life is titled 'healing' and I'm not leaving you behind, I could never, I'm just putting you aside so that I can return to living my life. So that I can keep moving forward.
Our love will be immortalized in these letters. But we'll meet again someday.
I'm sorry.
Forever yours,
Hwang Hyunjin