Work Text:
1.
California. Home of the heathens.
How does a nice Christian boy end up having sex with two women and a man in the same night?
He should have gone to church. Science can't change the fact that God can see you masturbate.
Leonard is vomiting and Penny is yelling at him.
"How could you fuck Sheldon! You knew he was drugged and drunk!"
More vomiting and then...
"If you'll remember, I was also drunk and drugged!" More vomiting, "And, besides, you fucked him, too."
"You know that's not the same thing!"
2.
Leonard wakes to the sound of Penny yelling in his face.
"I told you to take care of him! Not fuck him while he was out of his mind!"
Leonard is naked in Sheldon's bed. His head is throbbing, his mouth and eyes are incredibly dry. The room reeks of sex. There are used condoms on the floor. Oh, and one still hanging from Leonard's penis.
Sheldon is naked beside Leonard, his pale skin showing every love bite. His blue eyes are fixed on Leonard like they so often are. He wants Leonard to tell him what to do, what's expected.
Because Leonard knows just what to do when you wake up and find your best friend fucked you while you were three sheets to fucked up.
He leans over and whispers in Sheldon's ear.
"When Penny leaves, you need to beat the shit out of me."
Speaking does him in. He just barely makes it to the bathroom before he starts puking his guts out.
3.
Leonard is ready to come. He's not sure if he's been fucking Sheldon for minutes or hours now. Sheldon is beyond 'out of it'. He's waving his fingers in front of his eyes.
"Sheldon, stay with me, buddy."
Sheldon is so tight. The pressure is unbearable. The Green Lantern is the shit!
"Leonard!"
"What?"
"You are having sex with me! That is hilarious!"
"Stop laughing, I'll lose my erection."
"Then fuck me harder."
"Don't talk dirty, you'll make me come."
But he obliges.
Sheldon wraps his long arms around Leonard and whispers in his ear.
"You are my favorite person. Your hair is soft. You are skilled at coitus."
That was worse than the dirty talk. Sheldony pillow talk.
He slowed his thrusts, slowly grinding himself into Sheldon's body.
"Sheldon, we have to stay friends. Whatever it takes for us to be okay, we have to do it."
"Yes, Leonard!"
"Are you answering me or moaning?"
"My best friend. I'm almost done."
Sheldon grabs the sheets and raises his hips to meet Leonard's thrusts. When he came deep inside his best friend, he felt Sheldon's semen on his belly.
And he fell asleep.
4.
Leonard is between Sheldon's legs with three fingers, well, in.
This would be a good time to back out.
Only Sheldon could get a kick ass Green Lantern lantern in returning for dating a pretty girl. Lucky bastard.
"Leonard! Pay attention!"
"Sorry," Leonard apologized as he massaged Sheldon's prostate.
Sheldon's head is flopping back and forth on the bed. He's whimpering like he's in porn. It would be so wrong to take advantage of someone in this state.
"Please, Leonard. I want you inside me. I want to feel you. It's going to feel so good like Red Vines."
"Quit yelling!"
"I'm not yelling, you are."
Leonard misses the fish night light. Too bad they never lived long. His teeth were itching and Sheldon had a really big dick.
"Hop to it, Hofstadter."
Leonard pressed his dick into Sheldon's opening. It's too tight.
Fuck! He forgot to pick up his dry cleaning! They were going to throw his suit away.
"Your suit? What are you babbling about? Are you high?"
"Little bit."
Leonard begins to move inside his best friend. He's gentle and thorough and needs to make this so good for both of them.
The first time he almost comes, he reaches over and turns on the Green Lantern lantern. Awesome.
He sucks on Sheldon's neck some more. It's too good. Leonard can't deal with this amount of goodness.
5.
"You won't like it."
"I disagree, I've experienced quite a bit of carnal activity tonight and I have to tell you, it has been terrific! Even now my hands feel huge! Is that normal after coitus?"
"No, but it's normal after ingesting a huge amount of THC and drinking shots."
"I don't do drugs, Leonard! For Heaven's sake. Now, have sex with me."
Leonard let Sheldon pull his clothes off. He couldn't think straight. The booze, the pot, the sex... This wasn't Leonard's life. This sure as hell wasn't Sheldon's life and Sheldon was stroking Leonard's cock.
If Leonard left now, there would be someone else taking his place. He couldn't take care of Sheldon, he couldn't take care of himself.
And he couldn't remember which one was the folk singer and which was the rock star. Peter Seeger? Bob Seger?
"I've done a lot of things tonight that I think I might regret, Leonard. Being intimate with you is not something I'll ever regret."
"Intimate?"
Sheldon's face was soft and young looking. His blue eyes were unfocused and unbearably beautiful.
"Would it be easier for you if I employed the more vulgar terminology? Fuck me, Leonard, fuck me with your big cock."
Leonard and Sheldon dissolved into hysterical giggles. He loved Sheldon so much right then. He kissed Sheldon deeply and moved his lubricated fingers to Sheldon's backside. He could make it good.
He just needed to focus.
6.
Sheldon is lying on his back naked. Kurt is pressing two fingers into his ass with a horrible smug look on his face.
"Get the fuck off him! You fuck! Get out of here before I call the police because you're trying to rape..."
Kurt smothers the rest of the sentence with his hand. With the fingers that had just been inside his roommate.
"Shut up! I'm going. Don't get your panties in a twist."
Sheldon looks confused but eventually he gives Leonard a big happy smile. Like when he won the Chancellor's award. Leonard loved that look. Everything he put up with was worth it for those smiles.
"I think something is wrong with my judgement, Leonard."
Leonard climbs on to the bed and hugs his naked best friend tightly. They just need to get through the next couple of hours until they sobered up. Sheldon's room was littered with used condoms. Leonard feels guilty he failed to protect his innocent friend. He's grateful that Sheldon has been using the condoms. If he hadn't given Sheldon the condoms in the first place...
It was a paradox. Sheldon rubbed his head on Leonard's chest.
"I was going to let him..."
"Shhh, Sheldon. You aren't yourself. None of us are. It's not your fault."
Sheldon is rubbing his erection against Leonard's leg. Leonard strokes the high cheek bones and soft hair. He should have been a better friend.
"I want you to have sex with me. As in... I want to..."
"Are you asking me to fuck you?"
"I wouldn't use those words but... I can't get close enough to you. My mouth is tingling. We should call Stephanie."
"Just hush, Buddy. We're going to get through this."
Sheldon stroked Leonard through his pants. Leonard felt guilty for being hard. Guilty for being too fucked up to take care of his friend. Guilty for wanting to climb on top of Sheldon and fuck him senseless, watch that guiless face contort in pleasure.
"What Kurt was doing felt really really good. I really want to experience that again. Now."
"No Sheldon," he whispered into Sheldon's ear, "You don't really want this."
"I'm not a child."
7.
Kurt found Sheldon asleep on his bed, naked.
He looked better than Kurt expected. He remembered the day he took Stretch and Scrappy Doo's pants.
Leonard had tossed over his pants with minimal fuss. Sheldon was upset because his mommy bought him those ridiculous pants. He should have been less embarrassed to be in his tighty whities.
Since high school, this kind of bullying made Kurt hard. He hated that part of himself but he couldn't resist the feeling. Seeing a weaker man quiver in fear, totally in your power. Hotter than the hottest woman.
Sheldon was all gangly and skinny. His favorite type. The sleeping geek barely stirred as he was rolled on his back and Kurt began to work a finger into his ass.
When his eyes finally flew open, they were quickly filled with fear as he tried to squirm away from Kurt. It was so hot.
No need for the little nerd to be so scared. Kurt could play nice. He was going to be gentle while he fucked the brains out the skinny scientist.
8.
Leonard stumbles into his apartment. His feet are made of lead, his head is full of cotton. He heads to Sheldon's door, but there are a lot of noises coming from that room. Not again! He wondered when clinics opened on Sunday mornings. He'd have to get Sheldon pumped full of antibiotics. Leonard prayed his roommate was using the condoms. Until Sheldon... finished, Leonard laid down on his bed. Just for a few minutes.
Leonard wakes up in his own room, confused. What the fuck is happening? Penny is gone. He's supposed to be taking care of Sheldon but Sheldon was already being... taken care of. He was being taken care of... The rhythmic pounding of the headboard has stopped. Leonard rushes to check on his friend but hears voices. Two male voices? Not Raj and Howard again! He throws open the door.
9.
After Penny left, Howard and Raj sat on the bed, naked and sweaty. Sheldon was curled on his side, sound asleep.
"I can't believe we just did it with Penny. I can't look her in the eye but I looked her in the..."
"Raj, have some class! What we just shared was special. And hot. And oh so nasty."
"I can't believe we had sex together. We're still naked. How many brownies did you eat?"
"I had a fourth of one. I'll tell you, I'm no chemist but my hats off to the baker."
Raj scooted himself further on to the bed.
"Howard?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you still horny?"
"Um... Always!"
"Do you want to do it?"
"You mean with just you?"
"Yes."
"Okay."
Howard climbed on top of his delicious caramel friend. Raj's lips were thick and soft and his hands felt strong and demanding on his back. Howard pressed their groins together, grinding until they were both hard and then began to thrust. Sheldon groaned on the bed next to them but his eyes barely fluttered. Howard watched Sheldon sleep while he ground into his best friend. Sheldon's presence was both a turn on and a bucket of cold water.
10.
What Sheldon and Penny were doing was so much more intimate than what Howard and Raj had just, well, done.
Howard looked away, uncomfortable. Feeling like an intruder. Raj stared openly.
Penny whispered instructions and Sheldon followed them the best he could.
At least he wasn't yelling anymore.
In fact, he barely made a noise, just labored breathing as he made love (can you make love in that state?) to Penny.
Knowing his judgement was severely impaired, Howard still felt calm. He knew they would all be fine tomorrow. Penny would be embarassed but she'd yell and re-establish herself as the alpha male, despite her lack of a y chromosome. Raj would be philosophical. Sheldon would be mortified but the guy had a pretty limited emotional vocabulary. He was mortified when his dumplings were steamed, he'd be mortified to realize he'd participated, sort of, in group sex. There would be some new neurotic behavior to help him put his world back together. If a guy was going to spend a month obsessing over something, wasn't it better to be fussing over a drug fueled orgy than, say, having to do your laundry on a Sunday?
Howard would be fine. He was a resilient guy. But he was definitely going to call Bernadette. He'd had crazy hot sex. Now he wanted to try making love. He could wait as long as Bernadette wanted.
Penny's moans grew louder as she approached her climax. She kept talking to Sheldon, keeping him calm and on task. When he shuddered and collapsed on top of her, she stroked his short hair until the lanky physicist fell asleep, moments later. Raj helped drag 160 lbs of Texan off of Penny so she could get up and put on her clothes. And then she went across the hall to, in her words, kick everyone the fuck out of her apartment.
11.
As she expected, seeing Raj come sent Howard over the edge.
Holy crap on a cracker.
Sheldon was curled up in a ball, cocooned in his comforter.
While Raj and Howard removed their condoms, Penny tried to comfort Sheldon.
"Are you okay, Sweetie?"
"I feel strange."
"That is a perfectly normal reaction to the situation."
Sheldon looked around his room like he'd never seen it before.
"This is a perfect bedroom. Except for all the semen," Sheldon mused, "Ah! C-men is a homonym for semen. I can't believe no one else noticed that amusing coincidence!"
"We all noticed," interrupted Raj.
Sheldon furrowed his brow, "Sometimes I feel like the four of you are speaking a different language. A language that I am physically incapable of understanding."
Howard patted Sheldon's back, "We know. Believe it or not, it's a big part of why we like you."
"It is the biggest reason because, dude, you are not that playful and your java applet writing is mediocre at best," added Raj.
"Penny?"
"Yes, Sweetie?"
"Can we engage in coitus again?"
Penny burrowed herself into Sheldon's comforter and kissed him deeply. She considered kicking Raj and Howard out but maybe they needed to be there. They needed to bring things full circle. Sheldon seemed unsure how to proceed. He hadn't exactly initiated his previous sexual experiences.
Penny whispered in his ear that she wanted his hand between her legs. Sheldon's long fingers were gentle but not timid. He was an apt pupil. It was only when he entered her that he looked a little lost.
"I have no idea what's going on in that beautiful mind, Sheldon, but... don't think. Just move."
Sheldon moved.
"Thank you, Penny."
"You don't have to thank me for sex."
"I meant thank you for being my friend."
Penny felt a stab in her heart. Sheldon really loved her. Not like Leonard loved her. Not like Sheldon loved Leonard but it was love none the less. She needed to get Leonard over here. He knew Sheldon better than anyone, he'd know how to make it all okay. Leonard specialized in working things out so everyone, except for Leonard, was happy. For now, she guided Sheldon through some slow intense love-making. She left hickeys on his pale neck and shoulder. She wanted proof.
12.
Penny worked Raj with her mouth and hand and waited for Howard to take her from behind. Sheldon was watching with a detached interest. More Louis Leakey than Ron Jeremy.
There Leonard, I'm getting ready to fuck two guys while another watches and I'm thinking about the anthropologist you were named after. Don't tell me I don't care about you.
Howard was entering her. His cock was already twitching. This wasn't going to last long. She took Raj deep into her throat and enjoyed his strangled moan. She'd fantasized about that. Trying to get a noise out of Raj. Raj caressed one of her breasts while Howard cupped the other. Howard began to slowly pump his cock into her. Soon his thrusts sped up, the force pushing her into Raj's cock. Raj's sensual mouth was slack as he focused on the sensation of Penny. Penny loved that she could make this genius look like any other mouth breather she had dated.
Howard's thrusts were becoming ragged and she wasn't ready to come yet. She needed to help things along...
Sheldon didn't resist as she put his hand between her legs, she showed him just how to work her clit. He looked absurdly serious as he continued the movement on his own. Howard had slowed down, apparently to watch.
Howard pulled out of Penny.
"Wolowitz, you better have a damn good reason to leave me hanging..." she growled. Sheldon was really a good student. She could already feel her orgasm building...
Howard put his hand on Sheldon's chin and tilted his face for a chaste, but oddly romantic, kiss.
Sheldon's fingers only stopped for a moment. Penny felt a tiny orgasmic shudder. Almost there.
Howard scooted awkwardly towards Raj and pulled him in for a not in the least bit chaste kiss. Penny thought she saw tongue. She let go of Raj's dick and watched as the two men explored each other's mouths. Wow.
"That is so fucking hot," she whispered.
Howard and Raj pulled apart, suddenly embarrassed. Howard scrambled back into position. Penny was already back to sucking Raj's cock and her moan when Howard re-entered her almost did in her Indian friend. Not yet, Raj. She knew that once Howard saw Raj come, it would be all over.
The first night she met her boys, she imagined taking on all four of them. It had been a silly fantasy where her sexual prowess could turn geeks into studs. She never imagined this. That they would come together... come together! and share this kind of intimacy. That she would want to make them feel as good as they were making her....
"Oh fuck," she mumbled into Raj's cock. That was it for Raj. When she felt that twitch in his dick, she ground herself into Sheldon's hand and came.
13.
Penny got up on her knees, never taking her mouth off of Raj's cock.
Howard fumbled on the condom and got behind that vanilla scented goddess. He was going to have sex with Penny.
He caressed her between her legs and she moaned.
Raj moaned.
Sheldon yelled, "Why are you all in my room!"
Sheldon looked surprised.
"Go back to sleep, Sheldon!" Howard snapped.
Sheldon frowned but put his head back on the pillow.
Now back to that beautifully toned backside. He slid two fingers inside her warm and wet opening. Penny moaned louder.
So did Raj.
"Don't start with me, Sheldon!"
Sheldon closed his mouth.
Now to make sweet love to Penny.
"Who am I kidding, I can't do this. Raj, we need to leave."
Raj gave a very different, anguished moan when Penny let go of his erection and turned to Howard.
"Are you kidding me? You don't want to do this?" the blonde demanded.
"Oh believe me, I would do you on a plate of bacon in front of my mother and rabbi if you were sober..."
"I haven't had anything to drink in hours. Not since I found out what happened to Sheldon..."
"What happened to me! Why is everyone in my room?" the Texan demanded.
"And I didn't touch a brownie! Last time I had one of Starla's brownies I ended up on youtube as 'hot chick fights cougar from the future'."
"You're sober? Well, soberish? And you still want to..."
Penny looked Howard square in the eye.
"This is a one time thing. It's something I've wanted to try but only with two guys I can trust."
Howard hugged Penny and then tossed her back on the bed and went down on her while she returned to blowing a relieved Raj.
14.
"Don't be shy, boys, we're all friends here," enticed Penny.
Sheldon grabbed his phone and sent a text to Leonard. He wrote "Raj and Howard are goink to have coitus in my room. Make then stop. Penny's hear. PEPLE ARENT ALLOWED IN MY ROOOM?" His fingers felt absurdly large and he had trouble hitting the correct keys. Why had he consumed that alcohol? Why did have sex with that strange woman? Why was Penny inviting Raj and Howard to engage in sexual congress in his bedroom? Why was he SOOOO hungry?
And where was Leonard?
Howard and Raj were kissing again. Penny took her top off. Raj and Howard admired her exposed breasts until Penny prompted them to return to "getting her off".
Penny appeared to be using the promise of sex to entice her friends into more homosexual behavior.
But to what end?
Because Penny found their behavior arousing.
Nailed it!
Sheldon asked Penny just to be sure. His voice seemed unnaturally loud. She confirmed his theory.
"I'm just lit up enough to be totally comfortable with all of this," interjected Raj, pointing to Howard, Penny and himself, "But Sheldon watching and yelling is a little weird. Can we do this somewhere else?"
Sheldon felt mildly offended. It was his room, after all.
"Feel free to leave! But bring me back some more food. I already finished all the good cereal and I'm running out of cookies."
"We should probably keep an eye on him," sighed Raj, "Why isn't Leonard picking up his phone?"
"I'm believe he's busy engaging in some form of carnal activity with Katie and Alicia," supplied Sheldon.
"Dude! Leonard is not hitting it with two girls at the same time!" Raj looked skyward, "Yes you can, brother. Yes you can. Fuck it, let's just do this."
Raj started stripping and Penny followed. Soon Howard was the last clothed person in the room. It was the North Pole all over again.
"Howard, faint heart n'er won fair maid," Sheldon stage whispered.
Howard glared but he began to take his clothes off as well.
Sheldon could hear the sound of bed springs from upstairs. What was it about Sheldon's room that incited people to threesomes? Sheldon wondered if he was emitting some kind of strange hormone that elicited illicit behaviors in others.
He grabbed his cell phone and typed, "Leonard. Come quick and bring a biohazard suit. I thimk I'm contagiosu."
Penny began to perform fellatio on Raj. Sheldon decided to try and squeeze in a nap until Leonard showed up.
15.
Penny burst into Sheldon's room without knocking.
"Have you seen Kurt?"
"Not yet, but I'm sure he'll be along. Apparently my bedroom has become Grand Central Station."
Sheldon's response is derisive and typical. However, he is also naked and eating cookies (in bed!) from a Batman cookie jar. There's a used condom on the floor. Leonard was supposed to run interference before Sheldon hooked up with some skank...
"What's a skank? Don't look at me like that, you're talking out loud. Is a skank a synonym for whore? Because Leonard seemed fairly certain..."
"Please stop talking, Sweetie. Kurt was storming around threatening to come after you and Leonard... I don't know where he went."
Sheldon shoved two cookies in his mouth at the same time.
"I'm so hungry!" he announced, cookie bits flying with each word.
Maybe Kurt had just left maybe it would be...
Howard and Raj stumbled in through the door, kissing passionately.
"PEOPLE ARE NOT ALLOWED IN MY ROOM!"
Howard and Raj jumped apart.
Penny was shocked. Skinny sleazy Howard and certifiably weird Raj kissing. Why was it so hot?
16.
"Hey, faggots, where are your nerd friends?"
Kurt towered over Raj and Howard. Raj was surprised to hear the laugh come out of his throat.
"Something funny, Apu?"
"Just that my nerdy friends are banging every woman you can't!"
Kurt stopped mid-lunge when he saw Penny.
"I swear to God, Kurt. I will call the cops and you'll go back to jail!"
Kurt stormed out of the apartment. Penny watched him leave and then ran across the hall to let herself into her neighbor's apartment.
"She didn't lock the door behind her. Gigantor is going to come back and kill them all," mused Howard.
It took them several minutes, in their impaired state, to realize they could only lock the dead bolt without a key if they were inside the apartment.
"I need to use the potty, then we'll figure this out."
Raj sprinted down the hall. The bathroom looked totally different. When did Leonard and Sheldon repaint the bathroom? He had unzipped his pants before he realized he was about to pee in Leonard's drawer.
He was in a bedroom. Hence the bed.
He found and used the bathroom, correctly he hoped. Perhaps the brownie had packed more of a wallop than he'd expected. Even during the great cookie debacle, he hadn't been this out of it. It made him nervous to realize just out of control he was becoming. He suddenly didn't want to be alone. He ran to Howard and hugged him tightly. His wiry friend squirmed in his arms so Raj held tighter.
"What's going on, Raj?"
He kissed Howard's hair and his forehead. He seemed so nervous and unsure. Raj rained kisses all over his face until Howard kissed him back. On the lips. He guided them back to what he thought was Leonard's bedroom. He hopped it wouldn't smell like pee.
17.
Katie was pleasantly surprised when she unzipped Sheldon's pants and pulled out a thick cock.
"Why are you a physicist with a cock like this?"
Sheldon looked at Leonard, "Was that rhetorical and, follow up question, was that sarcastic?"
"It's just dirty talk, Sheldon. Now pretend I'm not here," Leonard whispered from the floor.
Sheldon stopped talking when Katie started to stroke his erection. He stopped talking, thinking and (briefly) breathing.
Leonard was chewing his thumbnail while he watched. She fucking hated Leonard and his privileged life and brilliant parents. When they yanked his frizzy head out of his mom, the doctor slapped his ass and said, "It's a genius!" Not like her and her boy, Sheldon. Sheldon was a hick who grew up in a trailer, building lasers in the shed and trying not to get whupped by his drunken dad. This was going to be the first dick she sucked that actually deserved it.
When she lowered herself to take Sheldon's head in her mouth, both men moaned. Nice.
Even shit faced and still smelling like another woman's pussy, Sheldon had a hair trigger. She was going to have to be careful if she wanted to make it good for Sheldon and torture for Leonard. She teased them both with little licks and strokes. When she put her hand between her legs, Leonard instructed Sheldon to take over. Fucking know-it-all.
She slid Sheldon's cock past her lips and sucked gently. His slid a finger inside her. She slid her lips all the way down, his cock twitched dangerously and Leonard's eyes almost fell out of his head. Fuck it.
She used her mouth to put the condom on Sheldon and lowered herself onto his shaft. He gripped her hips and looked at Leonard.
"Solve for pi," whispered the shorter brainiac.
Sheldon looked confused but at "6433" Katie was able to start riding him. She ground herself onto that delightful dick while blue eyes watched her in amazement. And a deep voice muttered a stream of meaningless numbers.
Leonard was watching them. Jealous for sure, but of her or Sheldon?
"Why don't you play with Shel's ass while I fuck him?"
Sheldon let out a distressed moan.
"Do you want Leonard to play with you, cutie? Touch you?"
Sheldon screwed his eyes shut.
"Maybe he can fuck you when I'm done. When you are all relaxed from coming inside of me."
"Don't talk," Sheldon growled.
Katie rode him hard until she came. Whenever he seemed ready to lose it, she played with his ass. He was just freaked out enough to hold off his orgasm but he never got any less hard.
She couldn't help but smile at Leonard, all curled up, practically fetal. Unable to deal with his friend's sexuality. Unable to look away.
When she let Sheldon come, he was beautiful. His red-faced grimace relaxed into a crooked smile. His blue eyes shyly darting around and finally settling on Leonard. Leonard gave him a thumbs up and started to leave.
"Wait, Leonard," Katie called.
Leonard looked nervous. More like paranoid.
"You know that bitch, Alicia, that Penny hates?"
Leonard looked to the ceiling.
"Let's go pay her a visit."
Leonard looked dubious but he followed and left Sheldon sound asleep, still smiling.
18.
Leonard knocked on the door, hoping he wasn't too late.
"Come in," Sheldon called congenially.
Katie was straddling Sheldon's waist, naked.
"Um, sorry, Katie, but..." Leonard shoved a pack of condoms into Sheldon's hand, "Please concentrate, Buddy, you need to use a condom..."
Sheldon was giggling and shaking the box.
"I'm serious!" Leonard snapped, turning Sheldon's face to look him in the eye, "This is the 'sypillanthropist' I've told you about..."
"I'm two inches away! I can hear you!" Katie snapped.
Leonard shook his head, trying to clear it. Sheldon was touching his hair.
"Do you boys want me to leave?" Katie sneered. She was so hot. Hot and mean.
"Sheldon has one of the great minds of our generation..."
"Awww. That's nice of you to say. It's true but still..."
Leonard put his finger over Sheldon's lips to shush him.
"He's a brilliant man but he's pretty wasted right now and not very experienced. Please don't give him VD."
Katie glared at Leonard but she didn't explode as he expected. Instead, she leaned down to give Sheldon a deep kiss, caressing the sides of his face, pressing her breasts into his chest.
"Leonard is concerned for your welfare, cutie, because I'm not a woman of virtue. That's why he's going to stay here and watch us fuck and make sure we use protection."
"Oh, that's not neccessary, "stammered Leonard as he tried to back out of the room, "I trust you..."
"You shouldn't," Katie laughed but her eyes were cold as she stared at Leonard, "You walk out of this room and I throw those rubbers out the window."
"That seems wasteful. I assume Leonard paid for these," Sheldon piped in, holding the box up.
Katie wasn't really going to give Sheldon a disease, surely she was just... But she was so self-destructive. She had such a dark side.
Leonard sat down on the floor next to the bed.
Katie looked surprised but pleased. She returned to her gentle exploration of Sheldon's mouth, and began to grind her hips.
Sheldon moaned but kept his arms at his side.
Leonard couldn't help himself, "Put your hands on her hips!"
19.
Sheldon stumbled into Leonard's arms. Even as he gently supported his friend, Leonard's eyes were shooting daggers at both of them.
"Please take me home, Leonard," Sheldon whimpered, slouching and pressing his forehead into Leonard's, "Wait until tomorrow to be angry with me."
Leonard glared at them both but began dragging Sheldon towards the door. Penny followed nervously.
Her fears were baseless; Leonard helped Sheldon into bed, took his shoes off, tucked him in. He looked furious but his movements were gentle and his tone was neutral.
"Have you decided to renege on the friendship rider of the roommate agreement? Are you going to move out?" Sheldon's eyes and voice reflected a panic that softened Leonard.
"I'm unhappy with you right now but we are still friends." He didn't sound friendly but Sheldon immediately relaxed.
"Then goodnight, Leonard. Good night, Penny."
Leonard's double take let Penny know he hadn't noticed her presence. The way he staggered after moving his head quickly, let her know he'd been eating brownies.
Leonard shooed her out of the room, gently closed the door and hissed, "How could you!"
"It's a long story..."
"Of all the people in the world? My roommate? My best friend? The guy I drive around like he's Miss Daisy?"
"We weren't trying to hurt you..."
"Of course, you weren't! Because you don't give a fuck about me or how I feel. I'm not even a real person to you."
Penny shoved him against the wall and kissed him. He resisted for half a second before he pulled her into his bedroom. All his hurt and betrayal never stood a chance against his horniness. It never did.
When he was at the North Pole, Penny had spent three months imagining what it would be like if she really tried to make it work with Leonard. If she tried being with a guy who didn't have money or looks or clothes or any kind of cool factor. Just a real guy with a real gift. She'd imagined making love and how he would be shy and inexperienced. Fumbling but eager to please. The first time they went to bed was the first time Penny was disappointed to find her lover knew what he was doing. He was a scholar. He researched and studied and created a formula. A+B/C= equals multiple orgasms. With his glasses off and his hair mussed, he was handsome and he had a nice body under all those layers. He was just a smarter version of all the others. Insecure because he'd been born into such high expectations, not because he'd ever really failed at anything.
Penny pinned him to the bed and tugged at his jeans. He was already half hard. She liked and kissed his shaft before getting down to some serious head. Leonard tried to reciprocate but Penny insisted he just lie there and enjoy it. Just lie there, going out of his mind from her suction as she worked him, with his thick glasses on. His hands gently stroked her hair and he did his best to keep his hips still. He never lost control during sex.
Penny stroked his thighs and took him as far into her throat as she could.
"Oh, God, Penny. Oh, Penny."
His eyes screwed shut behind his thick glasses, still wearing his jacket, his teeshirt sliding up his belly. He looked like the boy Penny wanted him to be, innocent and needy. Needing someone like Penny. When he came, she swallowed and kissed him.
"I'm sorry, Leonard."
Leonard kissed her gently. That was his speciality. That gentle kiss that promised so much.
"We should head back to the party. Damage control," was his ever-logical suggestion.
Penny was disappointed but it was for the best. Otherwise, Penny would never have seen Kurt had crashed the party. And they wouldn't have heard Howard ask, "Where's Katie? I thought she was with you."
Leonard ran back to his apartment.
20.
Sheldon was an eager tornado of long limbs as he explored Penny's body. Each time she laughed, his head shot up, looking to her to make sure everything was okay. He had no faith in his instincts. He was, however, an apt pupil. As his lips moved down between her legs, Penny was amazed at how erotic it felt. Her whackadoodle going down on her. She caressed his short hair, guiding him. She moaned into a pillow as he brought her to orgasm.
"That was amazing, Sheldon."
"Was it? Good. I'm glad."
His Texan accent was so think, you could cut it with a knife.
Looking up at her, still between her legs, Sheldon's face was quizzical. He was awaiting further instruction.
"What do you want to do now, Sweetie?"
"I was hoping you'd just tell me."
"Do you want.." Words like fuck and suck seemed ridiculous in the face of someone so articulate but she couldn't say coitus or fellatio and still be in the mood for either.
"Do you want to be inside me? Or I could use my mouth on you."
Sheldon's eyes grew wide and he looked like he was shaking a little.
Penny wrapped her arms around his slim shoulders, "You don't have to do anything you don't want to, Sweetie."
"Can I kiss you?"
Penny felt herself welling up.
"Why are you crying? Should I leave?"
"You're fine, sweetie. You're wonderful and sweet and so cute..."
"That sounds like the prelude to a gently worded rejection..."
Penny interrupted him with a long kiss, pressing him down onto his back. She made the decision for him and fished a condom out of her bedside drawer. When she handed it to Sheldon he looked unsure.
"Have you ever had sex before, Sheldon."
"Not the kind that requires a prophylactic."
Penny decided not to ask. She just wanted to enjoy her friend before he went back to being his demanding neurotic self. She helped him with the condom and lowered herself onto his impressive member. How would she ever look at him the same again?
Sheldon's eyes were wild but his hands were gentle as they caressed her body, moving from her hips to her breasts. She leaned forward so he could use his mouth. She barely moved her hips, knowing things wouldn't last long when she did. Just being stretched by him felt good and his hands and mouth... While he was far from skilled, he was intense and he was Sheldon! The first time she met the boys of 4A she'd assumed they were a couple from the way Sheldon had looked at Leonard. Later she realized they were a couple, Leonard just didn't know it yet. He still didn't.
But now Sheldon was focused on Penny, taking his cues from her. She rolled them over so he was on top of her. He grimaced as he began his thrusts, clearly fighting off his own climax.
"You don't have to be perfect, sweetie."
That confused Sheldon enough to buy them some more time.
Penny explored his backside as he moved inside her. There had been strange moments over the years when she'd been forced to think of Sheldon as a man rather than a... Sheldon. That first meeting when he leaned against his white board, rubbing ointment (counter clockwise) on his chest, when he wore that beautiful suit, when he had stared into her eyes and asked her if she could make love to someone without developing feelings...
She really couldn't. Sheldon's thrusts were becoming uneven and his breath was ragged in her ear.
"You feel so good inside me."
Sheldon stopped moving, the throb from his penis signalling he was so close...
Driving him to his first date. The time he asked her for hiney. When he accidentally grabbed her breast and read her tattoo...
"I can't believe you peeked."
Sheldon looked Penny dead in the eye, something he rarely did.
"I thought it would be better to take a quick look than to accidentally grope you again," Sheldon stated apologetically.
Were they really going to have a conversation about this now?
"I'm not mad. I was never mad. I was surprised."
"So was I."
He said it so softly and sweetly, like when he thanked her for letting him stay in her apartment.
"Penny?"
"Yes, Sheldon?"
"Is it okay if I ejaculate now?"
"Yes, Sweetie."
Sheldon gave a few more thrusts before he shuddered in his friend's embrace.
As he pulled his clothes on, it was apparent that Sheldon was getting worse rather than better. Penny wondered if Katie had given him another brownie but she was afraid to ask and make him suspicious. He was stumbling and struggling to pull on his shirt but he was also happy and relaxed. When they were finally dressed, Sheldon wearing only one shirt, he asked her to help him back to his apartment.
"I'm not sure why I agreed to do, body shots? Is that the correct term? Yes, body shots off of Katie. Doesn't that seem like odd behavior for me?"
"Let's get you to bed."
"Bet you never thought you'd say that..." Sheldon sing-songed. He nearly fell over laughing.
When Penny had been drugged and vulnerable, Sheldon had sat chastely on her bed and sang "Soft Kitty" until she fell asleep. There had been a terrifying moment when she'd woken up, in bed with her boyfriend's best friend. Then she peeked under the covers and saw they were both completely dressed. Sheldon still had his shoes on.
When Penny told Leonard the story, half afraid he'd be mad, he'd laughed.
"Sheldon may be the world's biggest pain but I never have to worry about him putting the moves on my girlfriend."
"He did get to second base trying to get my shirt on..."
Leonard frowned, "I'm torn between wanting to break his hand and, you know, high fiving him for finally getting some action."
Sheldon opened the door and stood face to face with Leonard.
Leonard's face was white. For a moment, Penny thought he would punch his best friend.
Sheldon's face fell and he grabbed for the door to steady him. Instead the door moved and sent him stumbling into his rage-filled roommate.
21.
Sheldon tried to kick his pants off but he couldn't quite coordinate his movements. His throat burned from the tequila. He was about to engage in coitus with Penny's cousin, a woman he had only met a few times before. A beautiful and terrifying woman who normally made his testicles retreat into his body with her harsh words. Now as she helped him pull off his pants, he wondered why he was ever afraid of her. She seemed so agreeable.
Katie made an obscene comment about his penis. Sheldon assumed it was meant as a compliment. He told Katie her bodily proportions were in keeping with current societal standards of attractiveness though his personal tasted ran towards women with wider hips. Katie said "thank you." Nailed the pre-coital talk.
Then Penny came in. The two women screamed at each other, their voices getting exponentially higher with each volley until Sheldon had to cover his ears. Surely only dogs and Sheldon could hear their god awful screeching. Then it was quiet. Penny was shaking his arm.
Penny was unbearably beautiful. Her blond hair fell in loose curls around her kind face. She had that look on her face that she only gave Sheldon. Leonard defined the look as "affectionate but deep concern". Leaning over, her simple tank top offered an enticing look at her décolletage. Penny tilted his face up so their eyes met. That's right, you don't stare down a lady's blouse. Highly impolite.
"Are you okay, Sweetie?"
That seemed like an apropos question. After all, he was naked on Penny's bed and drunk on tequila. Why had any of this seemed like a good idea?
"I think my judgement has been compromised."
Penny hugged him, pressing his face into her breasts. Sheldon pressed his lips to her breast. If he just pulled the tank a little to the side...
"What are you doing?"
Penny pulled away, looking... shocked? Not happy, that was clear.
Sheldon slapped his cheeks, willing a degree of focus to his wandering...
"Penny?"
"What is it, Sweetie?"
He couldn't remember. He was dimly aware his mouth was hanging open. He was likely to catch flies that way.
Penny was telling him everything would be okay and something about the passage of time but all he could think about was the smell of vanilla oil and her long tanned legs and what was between those long tanned legs.
She stopped talking when he put his lips over hers. Wonderful Penny. So full of affection and understanding.
He was surprised when she kissed back. When he pulled her shirt off and explored her breasts with his hands and mouth, she made some kind of argument for why they should stop but she let him continue to kiss her. He wanted to kiss her everywhere.
22.
Penny spied her boys huddled in a corner talking. What happened? They'd all been having such a good time: macking on girls, drinking, doing the physics version of party tricks.
She saw the chocolate in the corner of Leonard's mouth.
"Oh, Sweetie, you didn't eat one of Starla's brownies did you?"
Leonard pursed his lips, "Can I assume that the special ingredient in those brownies was not lard?"
He was still lucid. That wouldn't last long. She gave him a quick hug and mussed his soft if overly gelled curls, "You are about to get so fucked up, Sweetie. You guys need to keep an eye on Leonard."
Raj and Howard gave her identical woeful looks.
"Sheldon was just shoving brownies in both our faces. I only had a fourth of a piece so I should be fine..." Howard explained.
"Sweetie, you won't be fine. You may not bark at the moon but a fourth of a brownie will have you doing the robot with a lampshade on your head," Penny spoke from experience, "Wait a second. Did you say Sheldon was feeding you pot brownies?"
"Apparently Starla accidentally knocked on our door and there was a misunderstanding..." Leonard began.
"How many did he eat?"
"Three? Four?" guessed Howard.
Penny needed to sit down. She thought of Sheldon on coffee. Neither Cheech nor Chong could safely eat four of Starla's brownies. She vaguely remembered being rolled back and forth on the ground and being told to feel mother earth. That was after two brownies.
"Where is he?"
"He's in your room with your cousin, Katie. We were just arguing over who has to go in there and give him a condom because Katie is such a whore," added Raj in his most helpful tone.
"Sheldon can't hook up with Katie! He'll be scarred for life!"
"Penny, Penny, Penny, " Howard's tone was patronizing as he placed a hand on Penny's shoulder, "Losing your virginity in an upsetting and scarring manner is quintessential for a nerd."
"He's not wrong, " added Raj, "Whether it's with your cousin (he shot a meaningful look at Howard) or a thesis advisor old enough to be your grandmother (Leonard had left that part out) or a jaded prostitute your father paid for who is so openly disgusted by you and your body that you develop selective mutism. It prepares you for the cycle of shame and pride that is the publish or perish world of academia."
"Howard, you had sex with your cousin?
"No blood relation! Besides, Leonard banged someone's grandma! And she still made him re-write his thesis three times after it was accepted..."
"I got that thesis published in one of the most elite..."
Penny shoved her beer into Raj's hand and ran to her bedroom to spare Sheldon from a whole new set of neuroses.
23.
Sheldon ate the second brownie. It wasn't nearly as good as Meemaw's but he wanted more. He could head over to Penny's party...
Sheldon opened the door and found the hallway floor had lowered. He carefully stepped down into the chasm separating him from those homemade brownies.
He fell over.
He opted to crawl for safety. Once he was at 4B, he cautiously climbed to his feet, clutching the doorknob for safety.
He was in. He'd made it.
He quickly spied the brownies and made a bee-line for those tasty treats. His mouth felt weird from the entire pack of red vines he'd just eaten but they were so good! Sheldon paused to remember the way they had felt on his tongue.
"Sheldon," yelled Wolowitz, "We're over here!"
Sheldon grabbed a brownie. Then he grabbed a few. To share.
Howard refused to stop talking so Sheldon had to shove a piece of brownie in his mouth mid-word so he would understand!
Raj was slowly eating his brownie and saying something about a familiar aftertaste. Sheldon admired Raj's self-control as he shoved his fourth brownie in his mouth.
Leonard somehow appeared in front of Sheldon along with that goddess of the kitchen. What was her name?
"Sheldon! Spit that out!" Leonard yelled. Soon his homunculus roommate was wrestling him onto a couch and digging his fingers into Sheldon's mouth. The feel of Leonard's wiry, and perfectly formed miniature, body squirming on top of his excited Sheldon. Dangerous thoughts. But he could just...
"Why are you licking me! These brownies..."
"Leonard! Are you sure we should tell him? You know what a hypochondriac he is. He'll end up in the psych ward."
What on Earth was Howard yelling about?
Sheldon was relieved when Leonard was pulled out of his lap by Raj and Howard. His friends formed a huddle. He felt left out and sad. Excluded from their bonding.
A new body flopped into his lap. Penny's scary cousin, Katie.
"Wanna do a body shot, Poindexter?"
Sheldon stared at her exposed cleavage.
Katie told him to lick her 'tit'.
Sheldon obliged and Katie sprinkled salt onto the saliva and told him to lick again.
He did. Then she dumped a shot of tequila down his throat and then a lime.
Body shots.
Sheldon obediently followed Katie to Penny's bedroom. He could mention his name was Sheldon, not Poindexter, after the coitus. It hardly seemed relevant at the moment.
24.
He wanted to invite her to his place but he hated to interrupt her. Especially since she was rubbing his dick through his jeans and he was nearly ready to... Not something he should do in the middle of a party and his friend/ex's living room.
"My place is right across the hall," he whispered into her perfectly formed ear. Sheldon was wrong to feel so negatively about hippies.
"Do you live with Sheldon?"
A bucket of cold water.
"How do you know Sheldon?"
"I knocked on his door looking for Penny. His Meemaw made brownies with a 'special ingredient', too! You can tell he's a stoner from the way he dresses but he still seemed a little... prissy?"
"Lard."
"Beg pardon?"
Against all his lesser instincts, Leonard pulled away from Starla. Intercourse would have to be delayed. Maybe indefinitely. His heart was heavy.
"Sheldon was talking about lard. Did you give him one of your brownies?"
"I gave him two. There he is! Let's say hi and go to your place!"
Sure enough, there was a wild and twitchy Sheldon shoving a whole brownie in his mouth. Starla followed Leonard across the room but soon headed across the hall to "get ready". Leonard promised he'd join her asap. First he had a brownie to dig out of his roommate's throat.
25.
Sheldon considered using his noise cancelling headphones. Penny was having one of her "kick ass" parties. Sheldon was grateful to have Leonard's distracting presence out of the house but the party was already getting noisy. He could call the police but both Penny and Leonard would put Sheldon at the top of their list of suspects. Then he'd never get any work done. It was already past his bed time but he was sure if he could just focus on the board for ten minutes without distraction...
There was a knocking at the door. On the other side was a rather beautiful woman in Birkenstocks and flowery skirt. Hippie.
The hippie looked confused, "Is this Penny's party?"
"No, Penny's party is across the hall. In her apartment. Where all the party noises are coming from. Are those brownies?"
Starla proudly showed off her baked goods, "Made from scratch with a 'special ingredient'. Just like my Grammy used to make!"
Sheldon began to salivate.
"My Meemaw makes brownies from scratch with a special ingredient."
"Really?" The hippie looked confused or perhaps she was in pain, "Then have one. Have two! Just pace yourself. They pack a wallop. Why don't you come over to the party?"
"I don't go to parties."
"Too bad. I like brainy men."
"Then you'll want to speak to Dr. Leonard Hofstadter when you get to the party. He won't seem that bright when you meet him, that's part of his social awkwardness, but he actually has some pretty sound theories about quantum mechanics. You may also want to speak to Rajesh or even Wolowitz may seem 'brainy' to someone like you. However, Raj will be drunk and boring and Howard will be disgusting so just look for this man," Sheldon instructed as he showed Starla Leonard's university photo ID badge.
"My name is Starla, and you're cute," Starla said right before reaching up to plant a kiss on Sheldon's lips. Then she walked across the hall.
Sheldon flushed from the kiss. He'd never kissed a strange woman before. A hippie no less. No wonder his mother worried about him living in the land of the heathens.
The brownie was a little dry. It wasn't made with lard. Not even butter. Probably just oil. He left the second brownie for tomorrow and went back to his board.
26. Epilogue
Raj and Howard woke up on Penny's bedroom floor wearing each other's clothes. Except for the thong Raj was wearing. Maybe that was Penny's. It could be anyone's. They traded clothes and headed to Leonard's to find out why Penny was screaming.
Raj tried to gently guide Penny away from the vomiting Leonard. Her rain of abuse was clearly not helping to settle his stomach. Raj had seen him throw back quite a few shots along with brownies.
Penny looked Raj in the eye.
"You still can't talk to me? After last night? Seriously?"
The American woman had a point.
"Please, Penny, let's go into the living room and let Leonard punish himself."
Howard headed for Sheldon's room. He was disgusted but a little proud of the den of sin that had grown from Sheldon's childish bedroom. Lots of nasty sex had happened in here.
Sheldon looked shell shocked. Howard started to clean. When Sheldon looked a little more human and Leonard seemed to be done hurling, he gently suggested that Sheldon take a shower.
Sheldon seemed to shower for hours. The group sat in silence waiting for him to join them. They couldn't assess the damage done until they were able to measure it's effect on their weakest link. It wouldn't matter if they all made like ducks and let everything roll off their backs if Sheldon had to be institutionalized.
Sheldon was a little twitchy when he joined them but not too bad. Then his phone rang. Sheldon hurled the phone at Leonard.
"It's my mom! How does she know! Which one of you told her?"
Leonard answered the phone.
"Hello, Mrs. Cooper. It's Leonard. Sheldon's sick. Don't worry, I'll get him in bed... I mean, I won't get him in bed, I'll just encourage him to go to bed... alone..."
Howard pulled the phone from Leonard's hand.
"Mrs. Cooper! You sound ravishing as always. It's Howard Wolowitz. Yes, the Jewish one. We're all here taking care of Sheldon... yes. You're right, it is much easier as a group. We're all Sheldon's friends and we are all going to pull together through this difficult time... Yes, but friends overlook each other's eccentricities and peccadilloes. We forgive even if we can't actually forget and move forward closer than ever... Thank you. I do enjoy speechifying. I'll talk to you later. I'll give Sheldon a kiss for you."
"Subtle, dude," sneered Raj but they all silently agreed. They would be fine.
Sheldon surprised them all by being the first person to act normally.
"We should have train day!"
Leonard looked at his best friend who quickly looked away, twitching again. He looked at Penny curling herself into an oversized sweatshirt, not an excess inch of skin exposed. He looked at Raj and Howard who were looking at each other.
"I don't know about you guys but I personally do not hate fun. Let's go!" he announced, leaping to his feet. His vision went black and he promptly fell back onto the couch but Sheldon helped him to his feet. Intentional physical contact.
"I kept a brownie sample, we can analyze it Monday. Make sure we haven't taken anything that will permanently damage our brain, " mentioned Raj.
"I know a great and very discreet VD clinic on our route," added Howard.
Penny thought about the camping trip she and the boys had planned for next month to see some comet type thingie. Starla loved camping.