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Yuletide 2008
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Published:
2008-12-14
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The Circle Game

Summary:

After prom and fatherhood, Dean tries to make his own way.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for other works inspired by this one.)

Work Text:

I. I get the urge for going but I never seem to go

Mitch breaks up with him six months after prom. He hangs in there for a lot longer than Dean expected him to, and he doesn't blame Mitch when he finally leaves. He didn't sign on to raise a kid; he's barely eighteen, and he still thinks life should be an adventure.

At first they don't even really break up. When he decides to give San Francisco another try Mitch promises to keep in touch, kisses Dean goodbye and vows to talk him into moving eventually. Dean still gets e-mails every so often, but Mitch gave up trying to get him to move a long time ago.

When they were still together Mitch brought it up a lot, usually after another scene with Dean's parents. It was the only time they ever argued, because Mitch cut his own parents out of his life and he didn't understand why Dean couldn't do the same. And maybe he could have, if it wasn't for his daughter. If Mary hadn't gotten pregnant maybe Dean would have moved to San Francisco with Mitch, and maybe they would have broken up anyway, but his life would be a lot different now.

There are times when he wishes he'd gotten out while he had the chance, mostly when he's alone at 2:00 am and Lily is screaming and he's sure she's dying of some exotic baby disease, and all he can do is hold her and pace the length of his apartment, bare feet muffled against threadbare carpet. Those are the times when he imagines what his life could be like, how nice it would be to walk down the street and not run into one single person who thinks he's going to hell. How nice it would be to go somewhere that doesn't remind him of his parents, of how he failed them just by choosing to be himself.

II. And it felt so strange to walk away alone

When they find out about Lily his parents let him move back in. That lasts about as long as it takes for his father to start yelling the first time Dean comes home late from a date, red in the face from screaming about abominations and the eyes of the Lord.

And Dean can take it, mostly, because he knows where he stands with God. But he's not going to let his daughter grow up being told there's something wrong with her. That's what he tells his parents on the day he moves out: they can be part of Lily's life if they want, but if they can't keep their mouths shut and let her grow up happy then they might as well stay away. His mother just looks away, eyes on the floor and when Dean leaves their house he tells himself it won't hurt if he never hears from them again.

For awhile he crashes with Mitch in the already-crowded apartment Mitch shares with some of the other Mercy House refugees. And it's fun, kind of like an adventure, but he can't bring Lily there and he doesn't want to give up the time he gets with her. Every other weekend and whenever he wants to drop by Mary's mom's house, and it's not even close to enough, but he's not giving up a minute of it.

He gets a job at the ice rink where he used to practice, teaching lessons a few times a week and cleaning up around the place when he's not teaching. The pay sucks, but he gets time on the ice whenever he wants, and when he's out there he doesn't feel like such a freak.

When he says that out loud the first time, Roland rolls his eyes and says it's the gayest thing Dean's said yet. And he's got a point, so Dean just laughs and asks him for the hundredth time why he knows so much about being gay. "I do a lot of reading," is the answer he always gets, but it makes Dean feel a little better to know that he's not the only one who took awhile to figure things out. And even if Roland figured out that he was straight, at least he gets it.

III. I meant to be the same and understand

His new place isn't much, but it's what he can afford on his salary. Plus, it's his, and that's what matters. It's only one bedroom, but there's a borrowed crib for Lily and lots of sunlight in the afternoon. Mary's the one who helps him fix it up; she brings Patrick with her, and that's weird, but after awhile it starts to feel almost normal. Like they're a family, sort of, and Dean's just glad she wants him to be a part of their daughter's life.

It's Mary and Patrick who drag him back to church the first time, to a Unitarian place he's never paid much attention to out on the edge of town. The people there are nothing like Hilary Faye or his parents or even Pastor Skip, who tried so hard to be cool but never really got it. He still doesn't get it, but falling for Mary's mom has made him try, so that's something.

At first it doesn't even feel like church. There's no one jumping up and shouting whenever the spirit moves them, no conditions attached to salvation or promises that Jesus secretly loves them more than anyone else. But there are bake sales and volunteer opportunities, and there are people who welcome him and his weird family without even blinking, and after awhile he starts to think that this is what church should feel like. Like a community, where people love each other and celebrate their differences.

Mary really likes it, anyway, and Patrick seems pretty willing to follow her wherever, so Dean tags along just to fit in as much time with Lily as he can.

He tries not to be jealous about sharing Lily with Patrick - about sharing her with whoever Mary ends up with, whether it's Patrick or someone she hasn't met yet. Most of the time it's not even that hard; it's easier for him to see Mary happy with someone who can love her, anyway, especially after the way things ended between them.

And he's still a little angry at his parents for shipping him off to Mercy House, but in a way he's sort of grateful. It turns out that it was the best place for him to figure out who he is and what he wants, and if his parents had kept him home and tried to `pray away the gay' or whatever, Dean would probably be married to Mary now and doomed to spend the rest of his life living the same lie.

Mercy House is where he met Mitch, and he wasn't in love or anything, but Mitch helped him figure out what he wants out of life, and Dean's always going to be grateful for that. And okay, it's a little harder to be himself in a place like this than it would be in San Francisco, but this is where his daughter's life is, and that's the only place Dean wants to be.

IV. She always seems to make me change my mind

Dean dates when he has time: first a guy he met in his support group, and that's such a cliché that they laugh over it even now that they're just friends. Roland and Cassandra have fixed him up a couple times - usually with pretty disastrous results - but he knows they don't mean any harm, so he doesn't complain about their bad taste in men. There was a guy at church for awhile, and these days there's a skater who practices at the rink where Dean works.

He's not sure where it's going. So far it's just been a few dinners and a couple nights messing up the sheets in his apartment, but he wakes up to warm skin and someone else's snoring each time, and Dean's pretty sure that's a good sign. And he doesn't seem to mind when Dean goes on and on about his kid, which is even better.

He's there the day Dean takes Lily skating for the first time. He bundles her up way more than necessary and holds her tight while he glides across the ice, stealing glimpses of her tiny face to watch her eyes light up when he goes a little faster. She's still too young for skates of her own, but he likes the idea of getting her used to the ice. Likes the idea of being able to share this with his kid, of teaching her to skate and letting go of her hand for the first time to watch her glide across the ice all on her own.

Raising a kid is scarier than he expected it to be; he loved her from the first second he knew she existed, but he didn't have much time to worry about all the ways he could mess up before she came along. It keeps him awake some nights, wondering if he's doing the right thing or if he should have stepped out of the picture so she could have a normal life. But there's no guarantee that Patrick or whoever Mary finally marries will be any better at this than Dean, and he figures that as long as he tries his best, they'll be okay.

When they finally take a breather Dean glides across the ice to stop next to the guy he's been seeing. It's not the first time he's met Lily; the first time was on their second date, when he came to pick up Dean and Mary was running late, turning up fifteen minutes after she was supposed to, breathless and rambling about the church's Meals On Wheels program and somebody's car breaking down.

He spent most of that dinner listening to Dean talk about Lily, and if he minded he never showed it. But Dean still felt bad, so later on they went back to his place and Dean made it up to him.

"Looks like you've got a future rink rat on your hands," he says when they stop next to him, grinning at Lily's expression and the matching one Dean's pretty sure he's wearing. "Better be careful or she'll grow up to be a figure skater."

He winks and leans in to kiss Dean on the cheek, right out in the open. Like that's the kind of thing people do all the time. And it is, only Dean's still getting used to it.

Dean knows his own skating career is over. Even if he wanted to compete, Dean can't afford the costumes or the travel or even the coaching without his parents. He can afford rent and baby food and his GED class, and he tries not to think beyond that. But he hopes Lily does love skating as much as he does, and if she wants to compete someday...well, he'll find a way to make it happen.

He's no expert, but he's pretty sure that's what this is about.

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