Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me. / We pillage, we plunder, we rifle, and loot, / Drink up me hearties, yo ho…”

The hallways of the PPC Headquarters had seen more than a few strange things. These included, and were not limited to, giant microbes, Mary Sue invasions, ypur stampedes, dinosaurs, Slorp… and now, a brown-haired angel in a pink toga, strolling happily back to his RC and singing a shanty worthy of a certain wayward captain, carrying a bag in his arms which in turn held more than a few unopened bottles of synthetic liquor inside.

Suffice it to say that boredom should never be roommates with anybody whose first name is Cupid and his last name Carmine. Ever. It was a miracle that his partner had been able to keep him from provoking his pet tentacle thingy for longer than an hour. He had anyway, after a while, but even that hadn’t been especially helpful. So the only thing left to do was to drink himself senseless, and for that, he’d had to step out and stop over at Rudi’s.

Cupid was in such a good mood from his recent haul that in the midst of his little ditty, he forgot to watch where he was going. That is, until he walked right into someone twice as tall as him, nearly dropping his bag of “groceries”.

“Aah! Sorry about that!” he yelped, hiding his face behind a white-feathered wing.

“You’re fine!” replied the other agent. “I didn’t drop my partner’s absinthe, so we’re okay. I don’t know why he wants seven gallons of it, but I’m not going to question Chakkik when he’s in a bad mood.” She spoke with a light Norwegian accent.

“You know, I’ve never tried absinthe! I usually stick to Bleep stuff unless things have gone to utter skatá. Anyway, I guess I’d better be…”

He trailed off, having managed to get a good look at her for the first time. The taller agent was bright bubblegum pink, and wore only a blue vest over her upper body. Not that she needed anything else; anything more sensitive was hidden by a red mass of eight octopus arms, as well as two longer squid tentacles which held a gigantic cask between them.

More importantly, a certain part of her anatomy — specifically, her chest area — looked noticeably bigger than average, to Cupid’s subconscious delight. Maybe heading back to his partner could wait…

The larger agent leaned down toward him. “You know, you’re kinda cute. My name’s Stephanie; what’s yours?”

Cupid snapped out of his almost hypnotized trance for a moment. “Oh! Uh, it’s, uh, Cupid! Nice to, uh, meet… you…”

He set his bag down and extended his hand in greeting, before realizing his mistake. Stephanie blithely ignored the outstretched hand and pulled Cupid into a ten-limbed hug, right into her ample chest. “It’s nice to meet you too!”

Even if he hadn’t been nothing short of smothered, Cupid would’ve been unable to speak coherently. The moment Stephanie let go of him, he keeled over in an almost catatonic daze, a big stupid grin on his face, his eyes rolled back into his head, and a trickle of drool running down from the corner of his mouth.

Stephanie leaned over him in concern. “Cupid? You alright?” She poked him in the stomach.

He scrambled back with a startled yelp and sat up with a flurry of giggles, wings fluffed up and clutching his stomach. “H-hey, careful where you put that!”

The larger agent raised an eyebrow; her eyes were pinker than her skin and had W-shaped pupils. “Oh? Are you ticklish?”

He nodded, still grinning. But upon getting another good look at her, he did a double take.

“Your skin! It’s… It’s pink!”

“Is it? Oh, it is! Let’s see…” She closed her eyes and concentrated; in a flash of color, she suddenly looked like a deluxe-sized, female Cupid, albeit wingless and with tentacles for legs. Her hair, skin, and eye colors matched his, and her “legs” were the same color as his toga. “How do I look now?”

Cupid stood up and stared at her, completely flabbergasted. “How… How did you do that?!”

Stephanie twirled a bit. “I’m a kraken! I have as much control over my color as a cuttlefish! It’s weird, because I can’t actually see color, I just have really good gut feelings about them.”

Cupid’s face broke into a wide grin. “Wow, amazing! Ooh, ooh, do it again!”

Stephanie’s skin turned pale, and her hair, eyes and “legs” turned yellow. “How about my partner? Grr, I am Chakkik! I am a grumpy bug! Blood for the blood god!”

Cupid tried to stifle a giggling fit, with little success. He was rolling on the floor and laughing his sacred buns off in less than a second.

That was, until the addition of a third voice, in an incredibly deep and guttural baritone, made them both freeze. “So this is what is delaying the arrival of my alcohol. And I am not ’grumpy,’ Stephanie; I am antisocial and confrontational.” A tall, powerfully built, and handsome young man, dressed all in yellow with blond hair, had stalked up behind Stephanie, surprisingly quiet for his size. He had a metal flask gripped firmly in his hands, and his gold eyes were giving Cupid a glare worthy of any bloodthirsty anti-hero. “And I do not worship Khorne. My god is Mana.”

Stephanie wilted and turned white. “Um… hi, Chakkik… this is Cupid… Cupid, this is Chakkik, my partner.”

Cupid sprang to his feet yet again, this time making to take out his Angel Bow, but something told him that picking a fight with this man was a Bad Idea. “Uh… Hi, Chakkik. N-Nice to meet you, heh…”

“I cannot say the same.” He knelt down and hoisted Stephanie’s massive cask over his shoulder. The weight didn’t even seem to wind him. “We have a mission, Stephanie, so I believe I will need this. You there, scion of Lumina. Are you familiar with The Little Mermaid or the Fairies of Neverland ?”

“Actually, I’m the servant of Lady Palutena!” said Cupid, relaxing a little. “Well, I was, anyway, until I got exorcised and purified and ended up here. Anyway, you’re in luck — one of my partners got me to watch The Little Mermaid with her just today! She wasn’t too fond of me playing Ninety-Nine Bottles of Bleeport on the Wall and wrecking our RC. Last I checked, she’s still there.”

At that moment, however, he noticed something moving nearby. A small creature appeared on the scene, walked over to Cupid, and snuggled against his leg. It looked like a cross between a teddy bear and a puppy, with a dark blue body and ears, a large white head with black button-like eyes, and a light yellow scallop on its chest.

“Osha? Osha oshawott!!”

“Oh, hey, little guy!” said Cupid. “What brought you all the way out here?”

Chakkik glanced at his partner, and took a few genre-savvy steps away. “What is your last name, scion of Lumina? I am assuming you have one.”

“Carmine! I came up with it myself when I first met my best friend Sarah, who is also my partner.”

“Well, Carmine, I have just placed myself so that you are the closest living thing to my drowsing partner. Thank you.”

“Osha?” The Oshawott stepped away as well.

“What’s so bad about that?” asked Cupid. A moment later, however, he got his answer.

Stephanie yawned. “’m so sleepy… mission later… nighty-night…” She fell slowly to the ground, reeling Cupid in with her tentacles. The angel tried to scramble away from her, but he was too late to stop himself getting entangled completely. In a few moments, Stephanie was fast asleep, using Cupid as a teddy bear.

And as if things couldn’t get any worse, a fourth voice joined them. “Triton! There you are, you had me so worried!”

A small girl with blue hair with odango buns and shoulder-length pigtails, a blue long-sleeved shirt with an exposed midriff, and skinny blue jeans arrived. The Oshawott ran over to her and jumped into her arm. Yes, arm. Only her left hand was functional; the right had been severed close to the wrist some time ago, leaving only a bandaged stump behind.

“That’s the second time this week you’ve run off after my idiot drunkard of a partner, Triton,” the blue-haired girl chided. “I know you like adventuring and all, but I had you brought over from the Nursery for a reason. So please don’t make me have to scour half of Headquarters to —”

It was then that she noticed the other three agents — and specifically, Cupid, who gave her an apologetic smile, not even trying to free himself from Stephanie’s grip.

The girl let out a blood-curdling scream, complete with her pigtails sticking straight up, her face turning blue, and speed stripes in the background. She dropped Triton and ran straight for the kraken with alarming speed; before Cupid could cry out a warning, she was trying to pull him free from the still-sleeping Stephanie, kicking at her tentacles with one of her feet. “GET OFF! GET OFF OF MY PARTNER! LET GO!!”

A powerful hand pulled the girl from Stephanie, and held her by the throat. “I do not know who you are, girl, but if you harm my partner, I will not hesitate to strangle you. Do I make myself clear?” Chakkik growled, murder flashing in his eyes.

The girl shrieked and tried to free herself, Triton desperately waving his scalchop at Chakkik below her. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry I didn’t know! Please don’t kill me, please!”

Cupid managed to reach out and tug the hem of Chakkik’s cloak, terrified. “That’s my other partner! Please put her down!”

Chakkik glared and growled at Cupid, but still complied and released the girl. In the midst of all the noise, Stephanie finally woke up. “Uh? Whass’ goin’ on? Why do my legs hurt?”

The blue-haired girl was curled up in the fetal position on the floor, sobbing in terror as her Oshawott tried to comfort her. “P-please… Whoever you are… L-let go of m-my partner… I p-panicked… I’m sorry… So sorry…”

Stephanie’s expression shifted to concern. She released Cupid and gently hugged the girl, this time with just her arms. “I don’t know what happened, but you’re fine now… What’s your name?”

“Thanks… T-thank you. It’s L-Lapis. Lapis Lazuli, DIC.”

“So much for a formal introduction,” Cupid said with an embarrassed laugh. “Lapis, this is Stephanie and her partner, Chakkik. I met them just now and — Hang on… Wait a sec! Weren’t you supposed to be back at our RC?”

“I would’ve been, but somebody —” Lapis gave Triton a pointed look, baring six rows of serrated teeth — “just couldn’t stay in a room for eight hours. Two somebodies, actually. Look, let’s get you back before you drink yourself stupid, literally. It’s been good meeting you both,” she added to the other agents.

Chakkik scoffed. “Spare me your false politeness; you have every reason to be afraid of me, Lazuli. Unfortunately, we cannot comply with your attempts to return your partner to your Response Center; my partner and I received a mission, and your partner possesses canon knowledge that we lack.”

Cupid gave his partner another uncomfortable simper. “Yeah… What he said. Sorry!”

Lapis looked first at Chakkik, then Stephanie, and finally Cupid. “You know what, fine. I’m coming with you, Cupid. Just keep me away from him.” She pointed at Chakkik, the Oshawott following suit with his scalchop.

“Seeing as you nearly got your head torn off, I’d be more than happy to,” the angel replied, glaring at Chakkik.

Stephanie whirled on her partner. “Wait, WHAT!?”

“She was attacking you,” Chakkik replied flatly.

“I saw you had Cupid in your, uh, arm… leg… thingies — tentacles, yes! Sorry! Tentacles. Anyway, you had Cupid in your tentacles and I freaked out and tried to get him off of you and… and…” She started to cry again. “I’m so sorry! Please forgive me… I didn’t know…”

“Um, these two are tentacles,” said Stephanie, wiggling the two longer limbs, which were pink instead of red. “The other eight are legs. And as for Chak… I’ve been meaning to take him to FicPsych for a while now; he really has anger management issues. Apology accepted, Lapis.”

Cupid smiled up at her. “Great! Oh, and Lapis, for your reference, the continua concerned are… uh… What were they again?”

Chakkik’s face remained free of expression. “Pirates of the Caribbean, The Little Mermaid, and whatever Disney decided to name the spinoff series involving Tinker Bell. I refer to it as ’the Fairies of Neverland’ for convenience’s sake. Stephanie and I are only familiar with Pirates, and I have a sneaking suspicion that she only watched it for the Kraken and Commodore Norrington.”

“I know enough Disney to be of use, too, including both The Little Mermaid and Peter Pan plus its spinoffs,” said Lapis. “I even watched The Little Mermaid and the second Pirates movie back-to-back with Cupid just today, until he ran off to buy some drinks! Well, it looks like I’ll have to make myself useful if I can’t get back.”

“Osha! Oshawott!”

“Oh yeah, and so does Triton.”

Chakkik rubbed his temple. “Mammals… anyway, allow me to lead you to our Response Center. I assume that the two of you are prepared?”

Cupid picked up his bag of groceries. “I’m packed! Let’s go!”

Lapis glared at him. “Six bottles of Bleeprum is not what I would call adequate mission preparation, you featherbrain!”

“What else am I supposed to bring, then? A swimsuit? Because I have that, too!”

Lapis facepalmed, gritting her jagged teeth, the Oshawott following suit. “This is a mission, Cupid, not a beach episode.”

“Why not both?”

Without another word, Chakkik took a swig from his hip flask, shouldered the cask of absinthe again, and stormed off, leaving the other agents to follow.

***

Thanks to those who left reviews for "The Meeting" story. I appreciate it guys and I’m glad at how many reviews I got for this. As promised here is the story that I told you guys. I am taking a little break from the lemon stories I have been writing and I’m giving my friend a break from writing them. Now I want to try working on different stories.

“Chak, I thought you’d put us past the Author’s Notes!”

“If I am suffering head pains, so should the others.”

“Can I drink the Bleeprum, Lapis?”

“No!”

The four agents, plus one monkey, were standing in the pre-fic space, two of them decked out in colonial gear, one in dark blue swimming trunks under a white loincloth, and one being Stephanie.

Triton clearly didn’t like being a capuchin, but given the state of things, he had little choice on the matter. Sitting on Lapis’ shoulder, he was dressed much like Jack (the monkey), with his scalchop disguised as a miniature cutlass.

“Uh, why do you still have tentacles?” Cupid asked, his laurel wreath gone and his back still tingling; his wings were now a set of tattoos on his back and shoulders, and his sandal-clad feet felt a few sizes smaller than they usually were.

It was Chakkik who answered, clad in a glaringly yellow suit and tricorn. “It seemed practical. As two of the involved continua are mostly-aquatic, I believed that Stephanie’s natural abilities would serve us well.”

“Are there squid people around here?” asked Cupid. “The only ones I know of are the Inklings from Splatoon, and they look nothing like Steph!”

“There is a cephalopod-person, actually,” said Lapis, who was scratching behind Triton’s ear; her disguise had rendered her as a black-haired Japanese girl in a sea-blue 1700’s dress, and she now had a prosthetic wooden right hand. “Didn’t you see Ursula, or were you too hammered to notice?”

“Oh, right, I totally forgot. And you didn’t let me have any Bleeport at all today!”

“It was for your own good, Cupid. Remember when you drunk-dialed Yveltal on our first mission?”

Cupid pouted. “I was hungover at the time. Nice try!”

Chakkik shot them both a venomous glare. “Will you please!?”

“Right, sorry!” both disentanglers replied at the same time.

Prologue

Narration

Long ago…

Mankind once believed the world was created by Gods. Immortal beings that created the Earth we live on. They created the land, the sea, the light, the moon, and the life that lives on the planet. That is why humans worshipped them, because of all they have done to create our world. One of these Gods that was worshipped was the God of the Sea himself, Poseidon.

The agents suddenly started leaning to one side. Chakkik growled in frustration and took out his C-CAD. “Italics… I hate them… work, you infernal contrap tion. There, that is much better.”

Cupid cupped his hand to his ear. “I’m sorry, Poseidon? I know the mermaids’ names were based on Greek myths and such, but I don’t remember Poseidon being mentioned! And I certainly wasn’t drunk enough to not remember, either,” he added, giving Lapis a disgruntled look.

“Well, in the cartoon series, King Triton is said to be a son of Poseidon, and a grandson of Neptune,” Lapis replied, ignoring his comment about not being drunk. “Of course, the only other deity this fic can bring in that’s consistent with canon is That Sea Witch Whom Angel-Face Wouldn’t Stop Staring At a.k.a. Tia Dalma a.k.a. Calypso, from the Pirates continuum.”

Chakkik nodded. “Ah, yes, the sea goddess. She does not have Undine’s beauty.”

Stephanie raised one pink eyebrow at her partner. “You don’t think any gods are as good as the elemental spirits.”

Chakkik whipped out a card, with a portrait of a blue mermaid-looking woman on it. “I think nothing but the truth. Behold Undine.”

“… and you had that just on the off-chance that you’d bring her up?”

“Do not question me.”

“She looks… Pretty,” said Cupid.

“And watery, too,” added Lapis. “But we don’t know the continuum you’re from, Chakkik, so we can’t judge like you can,” she added nervously. “Well, whatever it is, anyway.”

“Secret of Mana. Perhaps I should mention that I am not human. I am in fact the first boss of the game, the Mantis Ant. However, circumstances have forced me to remain in a human disguise for far too long.” Stowing the card, he took another swig and let the story play out.

Poseidon live on an island he created to live on and keep an eye on his domain. He controlled the sea with the power of his trident, a weapon that he created to help maintain his power. It contains a deal of magic and power where in the right hands it can do great things. However, in the wrong hands it would end up destroying the world.

He named the island, as many called it Atlantis, even though it had a different name. The island started out with Poseidon ruling it alone. But, as time went on he began letting humans live on the island who worshipped the Sea God and help make their home advance. In time Atlantis became the most technological advanced civilization to ever exist in the ancient world.

As Chakkik glared and muttered about inconsistency, Stephanie turned to her other companions. “What continua are you guys from, anyway? I’m from Monster Musume.”

“I’m from Kid Icarus , in case you couldn’t tell from my normal form,” said Cupid. “I was a Sue-wraith who possessed the protagonist, Pit, but I got purified and given an identical body by Lady Palutena.”

“And I’m from the Pokémon anime, sort of,” added Lapis. “I was a former Sue, but I escaped my homefic and have landed myself in a lot of trouble since.”

“What kind of troub– oh. I shouldn’t bring that up…” Stephanie’s eyes darted toward Lapis’ wooden hand, but quickly looked away.

Chakkik stopped muttering long enough to shoot his glare at Lapis. “Lazuli. Is any of this consistent at all with The Little Mermaid canon?”

Lapis let out a small scream upon meeting Chakkik’s gaze. Deliberately averting it, she chose instead to look up at the Words, frowning as she did.

The oldest was named Titus, who was considered the greatest warrior on the island, and was seen as the next in line to rule Atlantis. The second was a daughter named Alexis, who despite not being a warrior was someone the people loved. She was beautiful, respected, and she used her magic to help solve any problems the people had. However, unlike her brother she did not care if she ruled or not.

He wasn’t a great warrior like Titus and he wasn’t good at magic like his sister. However, he was a good man that listened to any problems the people had, he helped them as best he can, and was loved by many. He never asked anything in return and unlike his older brother he was not full of pride. Something that many believed is what made him the perfect ruler for Atlantis.

So, one day their father called for all three to visit them. He told them that after much deliberation he decided to name his successor to rule after he passed on. Titus, in his view believed himself to be the one to rule and felt that all he worked for was about to pay off. However, things did not go as he foresaw when his father chose his little brother to be his successor.

“Judging from later Words, I believe that the as-yet-unnamed third child is someone named Triton,” Chakkik continued. “The same as that little wretch you still have on your shoulder, Lazuli. Are any of these names canonical?”

The monkey screeched at him, brandishing his tiny scimitar.

“AAH! D-don’t push him!” Lapis cried, grabbing Monkey!Triton and hugging him close to her before he could attack. “Who’s a good boy, who’s a good Triton?”

It was Cupid who answered Chakkik’s question. “Not one of these names aside from King Triton, as far as I can tell, has ever been mentioned in the movie. And I haven’t seen the animated TV series Lapis mentioned, either, so I can’t answer about that.”

“Not only that,” added Lapis, “but those names didn’t show up in the series, either. Unless there was a lost episode with Triton having siblings, but I haven’t seen anything like that so far.”

“So non-canonical relatives of canonical characters. This reeks of glitter already.” Chakkik paused. “… odd, neither of you have that stench. I suppose that is a reason I should at least tolerate you.”

“Can I drink the Bleeprum now?” asked Cupid.

Lapis shot him a dirty look before responding to Chakkik. “Cupid got purified by Palutena, and I had my glitter extracted twice. We’re not going to take over the multiverse any time soon, suffice it to say.”

The narration went on about how Titus killed his sister, and how Poseidon banished him, made Triton king, and created merfolk. And then it turned out to be Triton reading a story to his children.

Mercifully, the Words did not dump them in the room with the canons, as three of the agents would have drowned. Instead, they found themselves on a Generic Moonlit Beach, which (also mercifully) was showing a crescent moon.

Cupid threw his arms into the air and stretched. “Ahhhh, finally! Nothing like a night at the beach after a long day!”

“Cupid,” said Lapis, but he continued rambling.

“The sand between my toes, the sea breeze in my hair, the salty smell in my nose… This is the life!”

“That smell… would be me.” Chakkik raised a hand. “I am perspiring profusely; perhaps wearing my armor was not the best idea.” True to his word, he was drenched with sweat and tugging at his collar.

“Cupid ,” Lapis repeated, but her partner ignored her.

“Now all I need is a pina colada and a beach chair and I’ll be all set! Or perhaps maybe somebody could bury me in the sand with only my head and feet sticking out and—”

“CUPID!!”

The disguised angel yelped and whipped round to face his partner. “What?!”

“We. Have. A. Mission. And the big scary bug-guy is getting heatstroke over yonder, at night. You can party in the sun all you want after we sort out the badfic!”

Cupid pouted. “Aww…”

Stephanie ambled over to Chakkik and began worrying at his clothes. “How do I get the armor off?”

“No… need…” With some effort, he pulled out a Game Boy Advance, and tapped on it a few times. After a few seconds he sighed with relief. “I really must thank Makes-Things for creating the Disguise-Outfitting Ryticular Costume System.”

“The what now?” asked Cupid.

“The D.O.R.K.S., remember?” said Lapis. “We used it on that mission.”

“Ohhhh!”

“Is anyone keeping track of the Words, by the way? Apparently, we’re not in the right state to observe the canons directly.”

Chakkik sat down and took another swig of absinthe. “This presents a problem. Matter transfers freely through portals, yes?”

“What’s that have to do with anything?” asked Cupid.

Chakkik glared at him. “This would include water. We cannot join the canons; there is too much risk of inadvertently causing an apocalyptic flood.”

“We can open a portal underwater, disguise ourselves as mermaids, and swim through,” said Lapis.

Chakkik shook his head. “That would require us to travel a fair distance already, from the discrepancy in water pressure. There is too much risk.”

“Hey, I know!” said Cupid. “Can I join Stephanie and give her some undersea cuddles? I’d love to be a sea angel!”

“You mean a tiny carnivorous mollusk a la Phione?” asked Lapis, raising her eyebrow. The blank stare he gave her told her that the joke had apparently gone over his head.

Chakkik sighed and withdrew a deck of cards from his coat. “If you wish to gallivant beneath the waves with your prospective mate, it is not my place to stop you,” he said flatly, ignoring Stephanie’s look of embarrassment.

“Uh, Cupid?” asked Lapis. “Aren’t you forgetting that I will be with him?” She pointed at Chakkik.

“Ohhh. I forgot about that…”

“Rest assured, you no longer need fear death. Unless you wish to battle me?” Chakkik’s expression changed to something that looked rather eager.

If Lapis could sweatdrop, she would’ve. Triton bared his teeth at Chakkik, but Lapis clutched him tight.

“I’m not in the right state to do that, thanks,” she replied, smiling nervously.

The disguised Mantis Ant looked mildly disappointed. “With that said… do you know how to play poker? I have no desire to live the life aquatic.”

“I’m only familiar with games from or related to the Pokémon universe. But if you want to learn how to play the Pokémon trading card game, I have a few card sets we can use for practice. Or just a simple game of jacks, if you want…”

While Chakkik explained Texas Hold ’Em to Lapis (whether she wanted the info or not), Cupid noticed Stephanie wandering towards the ocean. Deciding he had nothing else to do, he turned to the Mantis Ant and asked, “Can I borrow the D.O.R.K.S. and the RA? Please please pleeeease?”

Chakkik grunted and tossed him the objects in question. “Be grateful that they are waterproof. So as I was saying, a straight is when you have five cards in numerical sequence…”

Stephanie had just gotten two of her legs into the water, when she felt something crash into her at a surprising speed. “NOTICE ME, SENPAIIIII~!!”

“EEK! Um, hi Cupid! Please don’t startle me…” Almost her entire body had turned white; clearly her emotions had some effect on her color.

Cupid withdrew from her, blushing. “Sorry, sorry! I just thought it would be fun to glomp you! You’re really pretty, you know that?”

She turned pink again. “You really think so?”

“Yeah, well, can we talk about it later? We have a lot to catch up on! But to answer your question… YES!”

He whipped out the D.O.R.K.S. and started fiddling with it. “Oh darn, how does this thing work again?”

By the time Cupid had transformed and joined Stephanie under the sea, Chakkik was wrapping up his explanation of poker. “…and the game concludes when the entire pot belongs to one player. Now, do you wish to deal first, or should I?”

***

Athena rolled her eyes knowing her husband had a tendency to make the stories too exciting. "All right little ones, come on out. It was just a story."

The six daughters soon came out of their beds and tried to act like they weren’t scared. It didn’t work as the parents could see the fear on the faces of their children.

Upon swimming through the portal, Stephanie and Cupid found themselves outside a Generic Massive-Number-Of-Kids Bedroom, where Triton was talking with his wife about their children.

Stephanie turned to her temporary partner, her bubblegum-pink hair floating around her. “Who’s Athena? Who are all these kids? And who’s the guy with the beard?”

Cupid, who had traded his swimsuit for a short, red-orange merman tail with blue dorsal and anal fins, dark stripes, and a translucent tail fin, looked at her with a raised eyebrow. “You haven’t seen The Little Mermaid ? Ever?”

Stephanie shook her head. “No, that story is more for the merfolk in my world. I always listened to tales of Thor and Vikings.”

“Pretty much everyone in this room aside from us is a canon. King Triton and his kids appeared in the movie, and Athena was a character in one of the sequels. I think.”

Stephanie peeked in the door, and some of her legs started wriggling in. But before she could enter, Cupid had swum over and pulled her away, which wasn’t easy given how tiny he was compared to her.

Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately depending on the interpretation, his hands had grabbed a certain part of her upper body.

Stephanie blinked a few times. “Isn’t it a bit soon for that?”

He yelped and withdrew his hands. “Sorry! Totally accidental, I swear! It’s just… well… You shouldn’t go in there! They’ll think you’re Ursula or something!”

“Who’s Ursula?”

“Who’s Ursula?! She was like, the final boss of that movie, and the boss of the Kingdom Hearts level based on it, too! She tricked Ariel into giving her voice to her, tried to steal Prince Eric from her, and attempted to take King Triton’s trident! She. Is. EVILLLLL.”

“… what does that have to do with me?”

“She’s a squid, and not a kid. And so are you! Donald’s Atlantica form notwithstanding, do you want to scare everybody?!”

Stephanie shrank back from the door, looking sad. “N-no…”

“Then don’t go in there.”

The two of them floated in silence as all the little mermaids pretended to not be scared by the story, even though it wasn’t all that scary.

Stephanie shrunk back a little more from the doorway. “I don’t like it when people are scared of me… they start screaming, and hitting me, and I get scared…”

“Hey, Lapis wasn’t scared of you, really! She just freaked out when she saw me all tangled up in your tenty-thingies, that’s all… ”

“I don’t want to scare the canons, either…” At this, her colors were noticeably darkening, and shifting to blue.

He reached out and patted her shoulder. “Hey, now… Don’t worry. You’ll be fine as long as you stay out of sight. You can change color, right?”

Stephanie nodded, immediately altering her colors to match the surroundings. However, there was one flaw in her camouflage: her vest, which was still blue.

Cupid was about to make the obvious suggestion, but then his face turned as red as his tail. Elsewhere, Triton and Athena were talking about Ariel, who apparently had been born a few weeks prior.

“Uh, um, perfect!” the angel said hastily. “The SEP Field will take care of your shirt, don’t worry! This chapter is pretty much over, so we’d best get going.”

“So, um… when’s the next aquatic chapter?”

Taking out the (thankfully waterproof) RA, Cupid checked the Words and handed it to Steph to dial it. “Chapter… Four, I think. We’ll be popping up at about the point when Ariel’s daughter goes for a swim. Now, let’s move before the fic dumps us on land! Hurry, hurry, hurry!”

She opened a portal to somewhere near the coastline, and the two agents swam through, letting it close behind them.

***

“… you should purchase lottery tickets, Lazuli. Your fortune is astounding; that is five games you have won.”

“I didn’t expect to win that last round, honest! I really hope you win the next one, though… Speaking as a former Sue, it gets pretty boring winning all the time.”

Triton refused to play, not being able to understand the rules and the like; instead, he sat on Lapis’ shoulder and glared at Chakkik, who reshuffled the deck.

Before he could deal Lapis’ cards, however, an Author’s Note rang out, signaling the start of Chapter Two.

There was a high-pitched scream of terror and the scrambling of a startled capuchin, and next moment, Lapis had scrambled up the nearest climbable object… which happened to be Chakkik.

I’m back everyone! I want to thank you guys for the reviews you all left for the first chapter. I appreciate it guys and I’m glad at how this story started. Now the second chapter is here and what I have in store for this chapter and others.

“Get. Off. Me.”

“S-sorry! I get startled easily, don’t judge!” She hopped off of the much, much larger agent and hid behind him as the A/N continued, describing that the fic took place a few years after the second Little Mermaid movie, and that the characters would appear like from the Pirates of the Caribbean movie.

“Uh, one problem,” said Lapis, her voice still trembling. “There are four PoTC movies so far, and a fifth is in the works. Which one does this fic take place in?”

“From reading the Words? None of them. The primary Suvian is evidently the son of Jack Sparrow.”

“Oh, lovely. And my clothes are still dry, apparently, so I’m guessing that giant anime sweatdrops aren’t a thing in any of these continua.”

Triton chittered in agreement, scrambling up her dress and into her arms once again as the word Narration flew overhead.

It has been four years since that evil Sea Witch, Morgana was defeated. It has also been four years since the great wall that separated our home and the sea was destroyed. And I couldn’t be any happier. Not only did my family reunite, but we could be together without any fears of someone coming after us.

Chakkik snorted. “So this takes place after the Little Mermaid ? That is the only continuum involved here that features a sea witch.”

“Morgana was the main antagonist in The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea,” Lapis replied in a small, timid voice, still cowering behind him. “Which, incidentally, is also the movie where Melody makes her debut. But… but… When do the Pirates movies take place?!”

“Within the vicinity of the year 1740 Anno Domini,” Chakkik answered flatly.

Lapis gasped, with Triton imitating her. “Lugia’s tail-spikes, that means these two continua are almost a century apart! I don’t know when The Little Mermaid takes place in-universe, but the original tale by Hans Christian Andersen was first published in 1837!”

Chakkik snorted again. “Temporal butchery. I believe there is a species present in Headquarters that reacts negatively to such.”

“How do you know that? Do you know a member of said species or something?”

“Yes, and her partner once caused my translation collar to short-circuit.”

“I guess it’s best not to ask about that.” She fidgeted with her collar for a bit and sighed. The only sweat that was soaking it had been induced by the climate.

Atalan (Melody’s pov)

The scene shift threw the agents, the monkey, and all of their cards and chips all over the place. Lapis once again ended up sprawled over her current partner, Triton got stuck inside her dress, and to top it off, a strange fuzzy hedgehog-like thing appeared out of nowhere and plopped onto Lapis’ head.

“Snrf?”

While Lapis rolled off of her companion and flailed about in a bid to get Triton out of her dress, Chakkik simply stared at the pov. “I do hope you intend to hide that from my partner. Stephanie adores creatures of that nature, and I had to physically drag her away from a pet shop in New Caledonia. No easy feat, I assure you.”

Having managed to get Triton free, Lapis caught sight of the pov, and her eyes widened with delight. “As Dawn would say, no need to worry! I’d be having hearts for eyes if I were in my normal style, because I can see why you’d say that! Here, now hold still…”

As Chakkik looked questioningly at her, she reached into her bag and pulled out a waterproof digital camera, and snapped a few photos of the pov. Triton glared at it jealously, but it ignored him as it toddled over to his owner, who set the camera aside and began cooing over it. “Who’s a good pov? You are! Yesh you are! Of course, you could’ve looked better with tentacles and a mouth full of razor-sharp teeth, but hey, I can’t have everything!”

Chakkik raised one eyebrow in confusion, and asked, “Why the camera? I have never felt the need for photographic evidence. My memory is satisfactory.”

“Historical inaccuracies aside, I like documenting my travels. I did that in my homefic, and I’ve started up on it since I became an agent. Besides, this is my first outing in the Pirates continuum, so I figured it would be worth remembering.”

Chakkik shrugged, and the fic continued. Melody was apparently in some kind of palace, presumably the one that Ariel and Prince Eric lived in. Mother and daughter were talking to each other, and it was supposedly Melody’s birthday.

“Melody was ten in Return to the Sea ,” said Lapis, still cuddling the pov with Triton sulking on her shoulder. “So that makes her… fourteen here.”

“In older time periods, humans chose mates at earlier ages.”

“And you bring that up because…?”

“Because this ’Melody’ appears to be griping about having to marry someone. I still hold marriage to be a needlessly complicated tradition…”

“…Oh. Oh, Legendaries, please tell me this isn’t going where I think it’s going…”

“I am no scion of Sylphid. I cannot read your mind.”

“Do I even want to know what that’s supposed to mean?”

“One of Sylphid’s spells… oh, never you mind.”

"Remember when I told you about the kids that keep making fun of me and call me names?" I see my mom nod her head before I continue explaining. "Well, I know you told me to ignore them and I have tried. But, I still have to deal with the name calling and how they treat me when I’m alone with them. Then there are the boys who want to ask me out, but only because of my title as a princess, not for who I am."

The part about of the boys is the real problem for me. The boys I liked turned out to be jerks and only wanted to date me because I’m royalty. It hurt even more than the name calling. I did like a merboy who I met years ago, but it didn’t work out so I struck out from both land and sea.

Chakkik tilted his head to one side in puzzlement. “I am afraid that my knowledge of mammalian courtship is limited to the twentieth century. I cannot speak for the accuracy of this passage.”

“From what I’ve seen in Disney movies, there’s the option of arranged marriage, if Love at First Sight doesn’t work out for you, that is,” said Lapis. “In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if people wanted advantageous relationships like what’s being suggested here. Melody is the daughter of a prince, after all.”

Ariel then told her daughter a brief explanation of the first movie, advising her to be confident that she would find love someday. Ariel was then called downstairs by Carlotta, the canon handmaid, specifically to talk with Chef Louis, who had tangled with Sebastian in the first movie. Lapis stifled a giggle.

“I still remember that kitchen fight,” she said. “It was great! Sebastian really should’ve used Guillotine or at least X-Scissor instead of Vice Grip, though. Just saying.”

“I do not understand your jest. Anyway, continuing on my previous subject… I still hold marriage to be needless and complicated. If I met someone with whom I shared a mutual interest, then I would see him as my mate. I feel that it need not be more compli—”

“Wait, him? So, you like guys or something?”

Chakkik leveled a bemused stare at her. “…The last time I brought the subject to my orientation, my companion at the time had a panic attack. Forgive my confusion that your response is not the same.”

“Don’t worry about it! Cupid is bi, and I have to live with his gawking at Lust Objects every time we go on a mission. If I have to judge him for anything, it’s probably the fact that he can’t pay attention to the Words for longer than two minutes!” She laughed in embarrassment, rubbing the back of her head. “Look, let’s just stick to playing poker whenever we get a lull between happenings in the badfic, all right? I respect your preferences, but I don’t want to cause either of us any embarrassment…”

Before Chakkik could respond, another scene shift threw them back onto the same beach as before, this time during the day. Another pov snuffled across the sand towards them as they picked themselves up.

Lapis squeed and picked up the Normal pov. “Awww, another one! Can I keep them both?”

It was too much for Triton to handle. Next thing his owner knew, he and the povs were fighting, creating a Big Ball of Violence around her head.

Out at sea a small sailed boat heads towards the docks of the town near the castle. The boat is being sailed by a young man around 16 years of age. He has long black hair, brown eyes, and tan skin. He is wearing a black Tricorne hat, a black overcoat, a black vest over a long-sleeve shirt, dark brown pants, boots, and a belt with a sword.

Chakkik simply plucked Triton and one of the povs by the scruff of their necks. “I would advise that you not cause a scene, you wretch. The last thing we need is a Suvian’s attention.”

Triton screeched in anger again, flailing his limbs, but he couldn’t reach Chakkik or the pov.

Lapis, whose face had several nicks and scratches, could only sulk, holding Melody’s pov close to her. “Ugh, maybe just one pov will do. Also, don’t call Triton a wretch! Oshawott’s final form may be in the NU tier, but it’s still a powerhouse there!”

Chakkik tilted his head quizzically as totally-not-Jack recreated the captain’s famous entrance from Curse of the Black Pearl. “What is an enyuu tier?”

“Wait. You’ve never heard of competitive Pokémon battling?”

“No. Pokémon does not interest me. League of Legends satisfies all of my competitive gaming needs.”

Lapis rolled her eyes. “Suit yourself. Also, why is this town called Atalan? The canon location of Atlantica is the undersea place where all the merpeople live, but they never named the town where Prince Eric lives. Why name it Atalan?”

Chakkik’s voice was as dull as his expression. “Atlantis. There is your reason. The creativity, or lack thereof, of Suethors as well.”

“Well, that answers that, I guess. Anyway, this chapter’s almost over, and there’s nothing interesting in the third one except for Melody hanging out with her brother, and—”

“Hold for a moment. What is this ringing bell near the pirate boy?”

Lapis checked the setting for a church bell of some kind, found none, and shrank back in alarm. “Uh-oh! Continuum Number Three at twelve o’ clock!”

Chakkik retrieved a pocketwatch from somewhere in his cloak. “… what am I doing, the clock does not synchronize with the fiction.”

If Lapis could’ve sweatdropped again, she would’ve. “That was just an expression, Chakkik. What I meant to say was that there’s only one way that ringing noise could elicit that reaction. Have you seen Peter Pan?”

Chakkik shook his head.

Lapis facepalmed. “Right. You don’t know Disney except for Pirates. Well, when Tinkerbell talks to Peter, she makes this ringing noise, and she’s so small that you can barely see her. I’ll bet my next Caterpie Cola that this Stu has a fairy tagging along!”

Chakkik thought for a moment. “Hm… there are no fairies in my home continuum. Nevertheless, I am familiar enough with the concept of the Fair Folk to hold modern fey in disdain.”

“That makes two of us, to some degree. Thank the Legendaries for Mawile being a Fairy-type and armed with a false mouth that can crush iron beams! Anyway, we’d better get to the next chapter. We’ll be observing Melody hanging out with her four-year-old brother, whom I’m willing to bet is a bit of some kind, and the Stu venturing around this Atlanta town. You up for another round of poker while we wait?”

“If you are willing to learn five-card stud, certainly.”

“Oh, and I’d like Triton back, if you don’t mind. You’re still holding him, you know.”

Chakkik grunted wordlessly and set the monkey down. Triton scrambled over to Lapis and hugged her leg, still glowering first at him and then at the povs.

“Oh, yeah, I forgot about you guys!” she said, opening two portals and sending the povs to HQ. “Now, then, you first this time or me?”

***

Here we go, the next chapter of the story. Loving how this is going so far and loving how you guys have been leaving the reviews. I love you guys. Not that way, but you know what I mean.

Also my response to each of the reviews will be left at the end. But first, disclaimer time! I don’t own anything owned by Disney and nothing on Mythology either just my OC. So without any further delays enjoy the next chapter!

After the chapter title passed by, Melody headed over to the beach, clad in a bathing suit, and swam out into the sea, greeting random sea animals as she passed them by. She was enjoying herself so much that she didn’t realize that a boy with a fish tail and an enormous young woman with tentacles were following her in secret.

Stephanie’s eyes widened in delight. “She’s so cute! I wanna watch that movie now.”

“You’ve gotta see the first one first, though,” said Cupid. “Lapis told me that The Little Mermaid is one of the classics of Disney lore! It’s her favorite of the anthology, and not just because there’s a lot of water.”

“I’ve only seen the Pirates movies… it had a kraken in it. Also Commodore Norrington…” She had a faraway look in her eyes at the mention of the commodore.

“I’m guessing you’re not familiar with the Disney animated canon?”

“What? Er, nope. Is that a bad thing?”

“Pfff, are you kidding? Lapis says it’s amazing! You’re missing out if you haven’t seen any of those movies!” He laughed, and then sighed. “I know I did…”

When he looked at Stephanie, he realized that she had started turning blue again.

“Oh… Did I say something wrong? I didn’t mean to make you upset…”

“It is bad that I missed it…”

“Yeah, I guess it is. And I’m just as sad as you are. I never saw any of the classic Disney stuff until Lapis started making me watch it with her.”

Stephanie’s colors suddenly brightened again. “Maybe we can watch them together! Without Chak being around to grouch.”

Cupid grinned eagerly. “Great idea! So, it’s a date, then?”

Stephanie turned even pinker than normal, but was spared from responding by Sebastian popping in. The crab gave Melody a pretty seashell for her birthday, and she thanked him for keeping her safe. After she dove back into the water, another scene shift sent the agents flopping onto a sandy beach, presumably the same one from before.

Cupid listened to the Words, his eyes widening. “Oh, skatá! Hide! Get into the water, quick!”

Stephanie lurched onto her legs, picked up Cupid (squishing him into her chest in the process), and quickly made her way back into the water just as the Stu reappeared.

The young man from before makes it out of town and heads towards the beach. He figures this would get him close to the docks where the ships are at.

Once he finds them he’ll come up with a plan on how to sneak onboard the ships and sail off before anyone notices him. It shouldn’t be too hard to do that since he heard the guards will be focus on the party than on protecting the ships.

He climbs up a small hill and takes out his telescope where he sees a large castle in the distance. He looks over and sees he is not far from the palace.

As soon as Stephanie lets go of Cupid, having reached a depth where the Stu won’t notice, the angelfish merboy floats listlessly in the water, a dazed look on his blushing face.

Stephanie’s head hurts, but she manages to poke him in the stomach a few times. “Cupid? I think we’re in present tense… how do we fix this?”

Cupid bursts out laughing, squirming away from her. As soon as he recovers, however, he gasps in shock. “Dear goddesses, you’re right! Hang on, lemme see if I can help… Do you have a C-CAD with you?”

Stephanie produces her C-CAD from her bag, and tosses it toward Cupid. The mercifully-waterproof device floats towards him, and he catches it before resetting the format.

“There, that’s better,” he said, wiping his brow. “Thanks, Steph! I’ve seen fics change to script format, but the tense change is kinda new!”

“So who’s this new boy, and why is he trying to be Captain Jack Sparrow?” Camouflaging her head, she peeked above the surface of the water to keep an eye on him.

Cupid listened to the Words, his brow furrowing. “He’s staring at Melody… But she’s ten! I know this is a time when marriages are arranged for people at that age, at least from what Lapis told me, but…”

“I read some of the earlier Words: this whole thing takes place four years later.”

“Okay, fourteen. But still! She’s not one of my LOs, not at all!” He then let out a cough that sounded a lot like “Ariel is, though.”

“My Lust Objects are Commodore Norrington, Soma Cruz and that hero from the Lovecraft stories, Carter. Something about a man who stands up to an Outer God…”

“I’m guessing this Outer God is nothing like Lady Palutena. Should I ask about that or no?”

“He’s called the Crawling Chaos. You decide.”

“…I’ll take that as a no.”

Meanwhile, the Stu had fallen into the water, attracting the attention of the canon. The two met properly, upon which he introduced himself as Chris, and lied to her that he’d just happened to stumble upon this place. He then sneezed, and Melody decided to get him to someplace warm as the chapter ended.

I think by know you guys know who Chris and the figure at the end are. If you don’t then you’ll find out next time. Thanks again guys for the reviews and if you guys have some comments about this chapter then leave some more. If you didn’t like this then don’t leave a flame review please.

Cupid swam over to a secluded part of the cove, pulled out a bottle of Bleeprum, and opened it up. As Stephanie looked baffled, and as the Author’s Notes continued blaring, the mer-angel took a long swig, gagged, and nearly spat it out. Forcing himself to swallow, he took a look at the bottle, and downed another shot of the Bleeprum.

“Chris?” he said before hiccuping. “So many cool pirate names and that’s the best you can come up with? Why not a more intimidating name, like (hic) Tim?”

“You know, I don’t understand why people drink that stuff,” said Stephanie. “Chak says that it soothes him, but that absinthe stuff smells awful.”

“Some people can manage it,” Cupid shot back, putting the bottle away. “Should we change back to our land forms or move to the next water scene?”

“Water, please. The last time I turned human, I was blind for most of the mission because I wasn’t used to colors.”

He listened to the Words, frowning. “We’re gonna have to get to near the end of Chapter Five, and then to near the end of Chapter Six, both times after Chris takes a tour of the palace with Melody. But… Who is this Zarina character who’s accompanying him?”

Stephanie checked the Words. “Someone from… Tinker Bell ? I dunno.”

He shrugged. “I’ll let Lapis handle that. Let’s get moving!”

The Artic (Normal pov)

The moment the two of them went through the portal, Cupid immediately started shivering. Even flying through the stratosphere on a regular basis wasn’t quite the same as diving into a freezing polar ocean.

Stephanie seemed fine, though. “Ah… I feel like I’m home again. I love Arctic waters!”

“S-suit y-yours-self!” Cupid spoke through chattering teeth. “I c-come from s-somewhere in Ohio, a-and the c-cold isn’t th-this b-bad!”

Cupid suddenly found himself wrapped in something very warm; Stephanie had pulled him into a twelve-limbed hug. “Maybe this will help…”

Realizing how close she was to him, he blindly reached out to her and caught his grip on something round and squishy. “Th-thanks, Steph…”

She turned slightly pinker as the fic continued. The agents suddenly caught sight of a sea lion being chased by a torpedo-shaped form with a distinctive triangular dorsal fin.

An ominous two-note chord began playing in the background as Cupid let out a small scream. “SH-SH- SHARK!!!”

Stephanie might have been an eleven-foot kraken, but she remained part-octopus, and her first instinct regarding sharks was to hide from them. Which she did ably, cloaking Cupid in her legs and camouflaging herself.

The disguised angel was all too happy to curl up inside her tentacles, and it wasn’t the cold causing his shivering this time.

Stephanie was petrified in fear as they watched the shark continue chasing the sea lion. “Is that a character , or do we just have phenomenally bad timing?”

“B-both! There was a shark in the original movie, but this isn’t the same one.” His voice still quivered nervously as he continued. “The fic’s referring to him as Undertow, whom I’m guessing is from the sequel. Lapis would know better, but that’s the best I’ve got.”

After failing to catch his prey and musing that he wanted revenge on Morgana and her allies for their failures, Undertow found himself caught in a net that had appeared out of nowhere, and was hoisted onto a ship that had likewise shown up without any prior warning. The displacement in the water created a shockwave that sent the agents tumbling away from the scene (and thankfully, Undertow as well).

Stephanie’s color-changing continued to serve, constantly shifting to match her new location. “I don’t like sharks…” She hugged Cupid more tightly, and he could feel her massive form shaking.

He returned the hug instinctively, pressing the side of his face into her stomach. “That makes two of us.”

The agents poked their heads out of the water, staring in morbid fascination at the sight of an unidentified pirate captain declaring to Undertow that he was “you’re new master ” before giving him some kind of amulet. "I need you to find a friend."

Diving back below the surface, they separated before Cupid took out the RA. “Steph, I’d hate to say this, but… We have to follow them. I have a feeling this amulet guy is up to no good.”

Stephanie nodded, and she held Cupid’s hand as they swam through another portal into the last part of Chapter Six and continued following the ship.

Undertow swims around the artic water trying to find whatever will make the amulet glow. He should just take off and forget about helping this human. However, if the human can help him get revenge on the princess’s little friends then he’ll take it. What’s the worse than can happen?

“Believe me, you have no idea,” said Cupid, holding Stephanie close for warmth. They had arrived near some kind of large iceberg, with something inside it. But what?

Stephanie perked up at the sight of an icy container. “Is it the Avatar? Aang can save us!”

“I wish,” replied Cupid. “But that would mean we’d have four continua at once! Isn’t three enough already?”

Stephanie frowned a bit. “I guess… I’ve never dealt with crossovers anyway. Three does seem like a lot.”

“Speak for yourself. One of my partners came from a badfic with eleven continua at once. Not fun, from what I heard.” He checked the Words and his eyes widened. “Oh, poutanas gios! What are we gonna tell our partners?! ”

“Huh?”

“The amulet… that captain… something about Calypso and a new friend… I think I know what was in that iceberg!”

At that point, lightning and strange rays of sunlight fell all over the place. One beam struck the statue the crew had pulled out of the iceberg, half-fish, half-man. The whole scene was obscured in smoke, which quickly dissipated in the Arctic wind.

Stephanie’s expression remained blank, until she checked the Words. Then her entire body blanched.

The captain gets up and sees a large dark figure standing in the middle of the smoke. A small smile appears across his face as he removes his hat.

"Welcome back, Titus."

The agents remained silent for a full minute, even as the Author’s Notes rang overhead. And then Cupid spoke up.

“Uh, Steph? Shouldn’t we warn our partners about this or something? I think I said something like that…”

“Yes… but only if you help me hold down Chak. He loves fighting, and he’ll think that this thing is just itching for one.”

He wilted under her look, but there was little he could do to argue by now. “I could try. But do you think that can wait just a minute? I need a gamoto drink.”

***

Meanwhile, back at the palace, a second party was being prepared in honor of the royal family, and said preparation had lasted about a chapter or two. As Chapter Seven began, Melody and her uncanonical brother found Ariel talking to the Stu. Melody then asked the Stu about his father, and he told her that his dad liked to wander the ocean. Also, he (the Stu) didn’t like seafood, which was a plus in Melody’s eyes.

Suddenly, a surprising sound was heard from Chakkik’s person. “NYANYANYANYANYANYANYANYANYANYANYANYANYANYANYA~”

“… I suppose now would be an excellent time to say that I did not choose this ringtone.”

Lapis let out a frightened yelp and scooted away from him and their latest poker round. “This, after you beat me for the eleventh time? How humiliating.”

“Hmmph.” Chakkik withdrew his C-CAD from his suit and shut off the Nyan Cat song. “A message from our partners. ‘Undertow and some captain, Titus has been… set… loose…”

Lapis began breathing fast, hugging her monkey so tightly that it was hard for him to breathe.

Her moment of panic was interrupted when she noticed that Chakkik was smiling. No, scratch that. He wasn’t happy; he looked absolutely excited. There was also something rather savage in his eyes.

“Is that an uh-oh or a double uh-oh?” Lapis asked nervously.

“That depends entirely on whether you wish to see our enemies die horrific deaths. Which I do. Greatly.”

Lapis turned slightly pale. “Cupid may be able to take on this Chris guy, and even I could, but Titus? I doubt anyone but you could deal with him, knowing how strong his canon brother is.” Triton chittered in assent.

What surprised Lapis the most was the fact that the previously-stoic Chakkik was now chuckling. “Perfect . I long for combat.”

“Double uh-oh it is, then. Is my face turning blue? I think it’s turning blue…”

The Stu exchanged some more banter with Melody, but when Lapis gave them another look, she realized that the ringing noise was gone. “Hey, where’s Zarina?”

“In the kitchen, with an excessively stereotyped French chef. Canonical or not?” Chakkik drew one of his sabers, produced a whetstone, and began sharpening it.

Then the sounds of frantic, annoyed shouting came from the kitchen. And then a scene shift threw the agents and their poker setup into the kitchen itself.

This time, Lapis ended up on the bottom, her face uncomfortably close to the edge of a blood-red, serrated blade. “Ow… can’t… breathe…”

Chakkik calmly got up, pulled his saber from the floor, and dusted himself off. “Hmph. I suppose that you landing on my body was preferable to this?”

“You can say that. And to answer your question, Chef Louis was the guy who tried to cook Sebastian in the first Little Mermaid movie. So yeah, canon.”

As the agents hid behind a counter, the canon began singing about how Sebastian had humiliated him and led to his being banned from cooking seafood. Meanwhile, Zarina snuck in, noticed some Generic Food, and began sneaking towards it.

Chakkik noted the fairy. “Should I send her home now? I grow tired of this mission.”

“We’ll have to wait until we get rid of the Stu first. He may need her later. And we need to determine when we can move in first of all.”

Chakkik snorted once more.

The agents (and their companions) fell silent, watching the fic play out. The two canons squared off, Zarina hiding behind a loaf of bread which was swatted aside by Louis’ spatula. Before he could catch her, she scattered pixie dust, making him sneeze before levitating him and a few cooking knives. Louis was so caught up in the confusion that he didn’t notice the snap of a camera from behind the counter where the agents were hiding, followed by a few more.

Then Zarina dropped Louis to the floor. The chef gasped, realizing who, or rather, what she was. She gave him a warning not to mess with her before switching the magic off, the knives narrowly missing him as they all fell down.

Chakkik took another swig of absinthe. “I must spill blood before this day is over. When can we end this?”

“When we have enough charges, Chakkik. For both Chris and Titus. We only need to pick out the major ones now, though, so let’s start skipping some stuff. Chapters Eight and Nine are basically Melody taking the Stu to visit her family, but Chapter Ten should be a bit more interesting. I hope.”

The Nyan Cat Song started playing a second time as Stephanie contacted Chakkik again. The disguised Mantis Ant grumbled as he retrieved his C-CAD. “What is it, Stephanie?”

The kraken’s panicked voice came through in a tinny tone. “Titus is loose, as my message said, there’s a shark named Undertow, I’m super-scared and can’t fight it, Titus is worse, the captain’s not a canon, Cupid’s drunk off his feathery behind and I JUST WANNA GO HOME—” The poor girl sounded close to tears.

Lapis perked up. “Chakkik, could you put the phone on speaker mode?”

Chakkik reluctantly did so, and covered his ears, grumbling the whole time.

“Undertow is from the second Little Mermaid movie,” said Lapis. “He was Morgana’s right-fin shark, so to speak. Also, what captain?”

“WordsWordsWordsWORDS! His name’s Deadnite. Not from the Pirates movies.”

“Oh, no. We may have to meet up and find a good point where we can put an end to this mess, then. Villain Stu?”

“Maybe, I dunno, I’m just scared of the shark and the god and the captain and oh mighty Thor, I want to leave!”

It was then that they heard the sound of someone singing a very slurred rendition of ‘Under The Sea’. Lapis paused, and then spoke slowly.

“How’s Cupid?”

“I said he’s drunk off his feathery behind! Cupid, please be quiet, I don’t want the shark to eat me!” Stephanie sounded like she was scared out of her wits.

“How many bottles did he have?”

“Um… I think he had… five? Five sounds right.”

Cupid still continued singing, though a little quieter this time. “Unda de shee, unda de shee! Durling ish betty, dou were ish wettee, take it from meeeee… (hic)”

“… make that six.”

Lapis was dead silent for five whole seconds. Then she opened a portal before leading Chakkik and Triton to the same little beach as before. She closed the portal, took a deep breath, and then screamed into the phone at the top of her lungs:

“HOW MANY BOTTLES DID HE HAVE?!?!”

***

Stephanie portaled to the beach, dragging Cupid through the portal. After closing it, she huddled up in a large white ball, holding her intoxicated companion close.

Lapis, leading Chakkik along, was standing right at the water’s edge, holding her own D.O.R.K.S. in her hand and looking absolutely livid.

“Stephanie, do you have any idea what you’ve done?!” she cried, pulling at her pigtail with her wooden hand.

Chakkik stood between his partner and Lapis, and glared venomously at the former Sue. “Do not direct your fury at my partner, or else we might have some… difficulties.”

Lapis cringed at his tone, and diverted her focus by adjusting Cupid’s disguise back into a human form… just in time to notice that for some strange reason, he had a lampshade over his head.

“I’ll tell you what’s difficult right now,” she continued, her voice panic-stricken. “My partner’s become a Super Smashed Bro in the worst possible sense, yours is freaking out too much to do anything at all, there’s no temporal consistency in this fic whatsoever, and to top it off, we’ve got no less than three Suvians about to ruin two continua at once!”

“Three,” Chakkik corrected dryly. “You forgot the fairy.”

“Okay, I stand corrected there,” Lapis replied. “But we shouldn’t have let Cupid and Steph go out there where it’s most dangerous! Why didn’t I see this coming? Whyyyy?!” She started to sob, covering her face with both hands.

Chakkik looked furious. “Do you wish for someone to blame, Lazuli? Very well, blame me . I have grown fond of Miss Podd, and I tend to bow to her wishes. It was her foolish wish to travel alone with Carmine, and I was twice the fool to allow it. I should not have allowed her to enter the zone of danger. Stephanie, do you have a chargelist?”

The kraken nodded dumbly.

“Give it to me. I will commit it to memory, and charge Captain Deadnite and Titus. I will assail them to the best of my ability.”

Cupid, who had stumbled out of Stephanie’s grasp, had shambled over to his partner and was now groping at her face. “Could you poke my tummy again, Steph? I think you hugged me again…”

There was a shriek of terror from Lapis, followed by a loud crunch. Next moment, Cupid was curled up on the sand, clutching his crotch in agony.

“Sorry!” Lapis cried, backing away. “I didn’t expect to kick you like that, but…”

Before she could finish, though, he started snoring. Lapis’ face was now completely drained of color.

“Chakkik, what did you say you were gonna do?”  she asked slowly.

“Kill the Suvians. They did this to my partner. They will pay.”

The monkey hugged Lapis’ leg with a look of terror on his face. She looked in turn at the murderous Chakkik, the traumatized Stephanie, and the unconscious Cupid. A horrible realization came upon her just then.

“We’re all going to die, aren’t we?”

Triton chittered and looked up at her, his expression pleading. But there was little he could do as Lapis sank to her knees, buried her face in her hands, and started to cry.

“You are not going to die. If anyone is to perish, it shall be me.” Chakkik opened a portal, stepped through it, and closed the portal before Lapis could react.

Lapis looked at Stephanie, tears staining her face, her expression as terrified as the kraken’s.

“What chapter did he go to?” asked the smaller girl.

Stephanie took a moment to get her brain working. “Probably… where we were…”

Lapis took out her RA and checked it. “Suicune’s mane, he skipped all the way to Chapter Eleven! But… Why?”

Stephanie took a deep breath and recovered from her panic. “He… he wants to get Titus and Deadnite and their crew at once… he can take care of any human, but I don’t know about Titus…”

There was a quiet groan, and Cupid sat up, still wearing the lampshade like a hat.

“Man, I feel light-headed… Steph, why are my loins hurting, why do I have feet, and what’s this lamp doing on my head?”

Stephanie stood and hugged him. “You got drunk… really drunk… Lapis, what do we do? Chak’s the one who’s always in charge, I’ve never had to decide anything… But he’s gone off to fight the Stus on his own!”

Cupid wriggled out of her grip and stood up, tossing the lampshade aside. “We have to get him back!”

“But how?” cried Lapis. “We don’t have a plan, and if what you guys said is true, then Titus and Deadnite would be too powerful for even all of us put together!”

Stephanie raised one of her two tentacles. “Um… also, I think the Undertow guy isn’t canon, unless human-shaped fish are a thing that happens in any of these continua…”

“Whatever the case, we have to act quickly, ” said Cupid. “Strategy or no, we don’t have much time before Chakkik gets sent to Davy Jones’ Locker! We’ve gotta —”

“Wait wait, stop!” said Lapis. “Can you say that again?”

“Strategy or no, we don’t have much time before Chakkik gets sent to Davy Jones’ Locker!”

Stephanie stared at Cupid for a long while, then picked him up and kissed him full on the lips. “Cupid, you’re a genius!”

He blushed, but his expression was totally blank. “Um, why?”

It was Lapis who answered that. “I think you gave us our idea about how to save Chakkik! But we’ll also need a plan.”

“Yeah, well… I’m no good with plans, thanks,” said Cupid, rubbing his aching head.

“No need to worry. I have one already, thanks to you!”

Stephanie hugged Cupid tightly and kissed him again. “Thank you!”

He went limp in her arms as soon as she stopped kissing him, his expression almost catatonic.

Lapis chuckled and rolled her eyes. “We’ll also have to take care of Chris, though. I have the charge list, but I think Cupid will have to handle that.”

He snapped back to reality and looked at her, surprised. “Wait, me? Why?”

“Let’s just say I have more important things to do.” Lapis held up the D.O.R.K.S. “Besides, since Sarah isn’t here to punish you for drinking all that Bleeprum, I think I’ll have to handle that. It’s nothing personal — just part of the plan!”

The kraken looked puzzled. “Why? And what does Cupid have to do?”

Lapis grinned smugly at her suddenly horrified partner. “So, Angel Face, do you think you’d look good in a dress?”

***

Chakkik emerged from the portal. A Generic Pirate noticed him, but a saber to the throat solved that problem. “Find the Suvians. Kill the Suvians. Nothing like a well-thought-out plan…”

Chakkik silently killed more of the Generic Pirates, avoiding Deadnite and Titus until it was absolutely necessary.

Titus watches from the forecast deck of the ship as they sail towards Atalan, where he found out his brother is at. The powers he gained from the Sea Witch, so long ago helped him track down his brother and the trident.

He still retained some of his powers, which allowed him to hide his true form, temporarily. Thanks to being sealed away for so many years and the loss of his weapon made him weak. It would take time for him to get his strength back, and even if he did he would only be half-powered. He put half of his power through the trident he made years ago to fight his father.

“Good,” Chakkik muttered. “He is weakened. Perhaps I am not as doomed as I thought…”

Deadnite and Titus were discussing battle strategy when a gigantic blond man in a yellow cloak stalked onto the deck. His sabers dripped sparkling blood as the Stu captain noticed him. “Hey, who are you? What are you doing on my ship? Get off of it”

“I am your death, I am here to end you, and no. Captain Deadnite, you are charged by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum for being a Suvian, being a Villain Stu, being a noncanonical captain when there are many canonical pirates that could easily have been adopted, with wanting to usurp Elizabeth Swann as the pirate king, with being one part of this insipid crossover’s cause, and with infuriating agents of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. You are sentenced—”

Chakkik suddenly leapt forward, planting both of his sabers through the man’s chest. “—to die.” He pulled his sabers from the dead man, and kicked the glittering carcass away from him. “Come out and die, Titus! Your charges are similar, but include being the noncanonical brother of King Triton, with crafting the Lance of Triton for your own purposes, with creating a noncanonical history for The Little —”

He was suddenly interrupted by a hefty blow to his stomach, which winded him. Chakkik doubled over in pain as Titus pulled his meaty fist away from the agent’s stomach. “You’re going to die, son. You’ve ruined my plans… but I can always try again.”

Chakkik continued spitting out the charges, along with acid and blood. “… the Little Mermaid , and with assaulting a Protector of the Plot Continuum…” He stood back up, and raised his sabers again. “… for these charges, you are sentenced to die.”

The disguised Mantis Ant was blasted through the bulkhead of the cabin by Titus’ next blow. The Stu stepped through the hole in the wall, grinning. “I’m going to enjoy this…”

While all of this was happening, a certain anthropomorphic shark realized that his master was dead, and was about to slip away when someone blocked his path. A small girl, trembling from head to toe, was pointing a trident directly at him. She whimpered in fright upon seeing all of his razor-sharp teeth, but remained standing.

“What brought you here?” he growled. “Get out of my way!”

“I-I come in peace, I-I s-swear!” the girl replied in a shaky voice. “Just… You are hereby convicted of replacing Undertow and aiding several Gary Stus… I can get you out of here, though!”

“How? There’s nowhere for me to go! My master is dead!”

“I can get you a new one. One who won’t fail. Just… Come with me, please. And hurry, before Titus notices!”

She fiddled with a strange device that replaced her right hand, opened up a strange ring of blue light, and led him through it.

***

I am going to die, Chakkik thought wearily. Oddly, he didn’t seem to mind. He was slumped against the wall, bleeding from a dozen wounds, and several of his ribs were broken. He coughed and spat out a glob of blood. I am a psychopathic monster. Perhaps this is what I deserve.

And yet he still attempted to raise his sword, in a futile effort to block Titus’s next blow. The Villain Stu grinned savagely, and simply grabbed the back of the blade and tossed it away.

Mana Tree… Let my soul know peace…

***

The Flying Dutchman moved with menacing purpose across the ocean, churning the sea behind it into silvery foam. Its terrible captain held sway over his crew of grotesque humanoids, part man and part fish. Every single one. It was a typical day for the Dutchman , or so everyone thought.

That is, until a ring of blue light appeared over the deck, and a girl and a walking shark stepped through.

The crew instantly surrounded her, weapons drawn. She shrieked and hid behind the shark, trying not to be noticed.

“What do you want?!” cried one of the crew members. “What’s a lass like you doin’ on our ship?!”

Lapis looked around at the angry pirates, knowing she couldn’t beat all of them at once should a fight break out. This had to work, if only she could say it right.

“I… I need to s-speak… to D…”

“Speak to whom?!” yelled another crew member. The others cried out in agreement, shaking their weapons in the air.

Lapis gulped, and Not!Undertow bared his teeth. It was now or never.

“DAVY JONES!” the girl screamed, making everyone stop dead. “I need to speak to Captain Davy Jones!”

The crew looked at her and the shark with confused, annoyed expressions. But before anyone could say anything, an ominous noise came from the helm, sending a chill down Lapis’ spine. Thump, thump, thump.

The sound of a peg leg on the deck.

The crew parted immediately, and the captain drew up to his full height as he strode towards them, his tentacled beard quivering, his claw hand poised to strike.

A mirthless smile crossed his slimy lips as he stopped in front of her, looking down at her tiny, four-foot-nine frame. “Ye called- uh , lass?”

Lapis was shaking so hard, it was a wonder she could even stand up. But she forced herself to look up at him, her expression barely concealing the panic screaming through every inch of her body.

“I… I have an offer for you, C-Captain Jones. I need you to find someone. Find him and… and… destroy him.”

He smiled a little wider. “Aye, I can do that- uh! But ya need to give me a bit more incentive than that. What’s in it for me?”

“I have something for you. Or rather, some one.” She waved towards Not!Undertow, who immediately understood. He sank to his knees in a bow of deepest respect.

“So yer offering someone to be part of me crew,” said Jones. “But I won’t be sending the Flying Dutchman across the seven seas for nothing. Who is it that you want dead- uh ?”

She looked up at him, no longer afraid. “The son of Jack Sparrow, Captain Jones.”

Davy Jones looked surprised for a moment, and then stood straight and turned to Not!Undertow. “What is your name?”

The shark locked eyes with him. “I have no name. I was never given one.”

“Let me ask you one question, then, nameless man.” Jones leaned in and spat the next four words into Not!Undertow’s face. “Do yeh fear death?”

***

Ten guards are out patrolling the docks making sure the ships are kept safe. Normally they would have more men on duty, but many of them were sent to guard the palace during the festival. Unbeknownst to them, Chris is nearby watching from the roof of a building nearby. He takes out his telescope and begins checking the perimeter.

Having left Melody behind, he was now ready to explore the world once again. Just as his father did. But first, he had to get out of here.

Springing into action, he and Zarina took out the guards one by one, using a combination of smoke bombs, pixie dust, and skilled timing.

"Another successful plan," said Chris as he turns towards his friend.

"Except now we need to find a ship to use," said Zarina looking at different kinds of ships. "One that won’t take us so long to get out of port."

"I know just the one," said Chris as grabs a lantern nearby and lights it up. "Let’s get to it before we run into trouble."

As they boarded the rather dreary, generic-looking ship, they noticed something wrong. Animals were panicking, and a dark shadow was sweeping across the seaside cliffs in the distance. He climbed to the crow’s nest, pulled out his telescope, and peered through it.

He couldn’t see what had happened on the ship, but he would recognize that flag anywhere. There was only one ship that bore those colors.

After some quick discussion with Zarina, Chris decided that he’d have to warn Melody about this. But no sooner had he made this choice than a familiar voice called his name.

He looked down, stunned. There, on the deck of the ship, was Melody.

Chris climbed back down onto the ship deck and ran over to her. Next moment, she was caught in a massive hug.

“I just wanted to say goodbye,” said Melody.

“What are you doing here?” he cried, disengaging from her. “You have to leave! ”

“Wait, leave? Why?”

“Deadnite is coming! There’s something you have that he wants, and he’ll take you away to get it. Or worse!”

“Then I want to come with you,” Melody replied suddenly. “I want to take him on by your side.”

He stared at her, wide-eyed. “What?! But you can’t! It’s too dangerous!”

Okay, that was a stupid thing to say, thought Melody. But he— er, she couldn’t take it back. Might as well roll with it, she thought.

“I know. I just don’t want you getting hurt.”

He blinked at her, stunned. Did she really say that?

“We’re going to fight him right now, in fact,” continued Melody. “I know a way to defeat him. Come with me!”

He had no idea what she was talking about, but he had to trust her. He just knew it. Without thinking, he followed her down the street and out of sight.

But, one would ask, why didn’t Zarina say or do anything about it? Simple. She wasn’t there. For while the Stu and ’Melody’ were talking, an eleven-foot-tall squid-person had already grabbed the fairy, neuralyzed her, and sent her home.

***

Chakkik couldn’t move anymore.

Almost all of his bones had been broken by Titus’ savage beating, and the backs of his ankles were bleeding where Titus had slashed them with Chakkik’s own saber.

“Any last words, human?”

“I am… no human… ’for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee’—” Chakkik took this opportunity to spit a glob of acid at Titus’ feet. The surprised Stu backed away, before realizing that Chakkik had nothing else left. The wounded agent turned his eyes to Titus, his gaze filled with spite. “I have… no regrets...”

Elsewhere, a portal opened up, and a girl and a very confused boy stumbled through. “Where’s Deadnite? Where is he?!” cried the boy.

Titus looked at him, too surprised to notice a horrified gasp behind him. “Well well. You dare board this ship?”

“Yes, we dare!” cried Chris. “Now, I’m gonna ask you again. Where is Deadnite?!”

The severely injured agent laughed. “He is dead, Suvian. I killed him. I would have killed Titus… and you.”

“You and what army?” asked Chris.

“Army, huh?” Titus laughed. “You don’t have one. But I do.”

“Killed them… already,” Chakkik pointed out.

“Not all of them.”

Everyone looked around. More Generic Pirates were emerging onto the deck, bearing cutlasses and pistols. Chakkik swore several times in an unknown language.

“So, Christopher Sparrow,” said Titus. “Ready to accept your fate?”

“Not a chance!” Chris shot back. “Melody, you with me?”

Melody looked at him, suddenly disgusted. “Me? With you?! Sorry, but I think I’ll pass. Oh, that reminds me! Just a sec…” She reached into her pocket and fumbled about for something.

Chakkik recognized something in Melody’s tone. “… Car…mine?”

“Melody”, or rather, a very cleverly disguised Cupid, gave him a look of utmost shame. “It’s a long story, but I’ll say this right now: I’m sorry, Chakkik. This was my fault. All of it.”

“This is neither… the time… nor the place… Carmine…” Chakkik choked out.

“I know, but I just had to say it. Anyway… ” Cupid pulled a piece of paper from his pocket, unfolded it, and turned to his companion. “Christopher Sparrow, by order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you are hereby convicted of being a Gary Stu on account of the following charges… um… charges.” He tossed the paper away. “Can’t read, sorry. Let’s see if I can recall what Lapis told me… uh… Being the son of Jack Sparrow, with all the implied OOC it entails; snatching canons from different continua for no reason; also romancing a canon, namely Melody, for no good reason; possessing magical stuff that doesn’t actually do anything important; in fact, not being that important for anything aside from Twu Wuv with Melody; having no consistent tense or point of view; making continua from different time periods occur at the same time; creating a mythology that’s inconsistent with The Little Mermaid continuum; giving King Triton uncanonical relatives just for the sake of your story; plagiarism of scenes starring your supposed father; creating a lot of povs, whatever those are; writing boring prose that doesn’t lead to anything important; and just being boring in general. Did I miss anything? Y’know what, just forget it. You’re screwed anyway.”

Titus was losing patience. “What is the meaning of all this? Kill them!”

“Carmine… before we die… tell me… you had a plan,” Chakkik wheezed.

Before Cupid could respond, however, the entire ship was jolted by a sudden impact. Everybody was flung onto the deck, and the boat was still.

A large portal formed, and two long tentacles wrapped around the agents. Cupid was reeled in quickly, while Chakkik was carefully lifted from the deck. The portal closed before any of the Stus or bits could react.

Titus looked around in confusion. “Where did they go?”

Someone cleared her throat behind him, making him whirl around. A dark-haired girl and a monkey with a scimitar were glaring up at him.

“Were you talking about my partners?” asked Lapis. “They’re gonna be fine. You, on the other hand, won’t be! Triton, use Razor Shell!”

The monkey screeched and darted forward, scimitar in hand. He moved with surprising speed, slashing at Titus’s legs. The villainous Stu sank to his knees, bleeding ugly pink glitter.

“WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS, YOU LITTLE BITCH?” Titus couldn’t move from his spot.

And then he saw the tentacles. Rising from the sea, they looked like slimy, sucker-covered trees. If trees spun around in ominous circles and menaced ships just from their sheer size.

While Triton climbed back onto her shoulder, Lapis leveled a murderous glare at Titus. “This,” she spat, “is for my poker buddy, you steaming pile of glittery Tauros-shit!”

And she threw her head and hands to the sky and let out a piercing cry of inconceivable fury:

“RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!”

She was answered by a deafening roar that made the entire ship rattle. And everyone let out a simultaneous scream of absolute terror.

Chaos ensued.

Tentacles of every shape and size fell upon the ship and its crew from all directions. Generic Pirates hacked and slashed and shot at them, but more and more erupted from the sea by the second. They seized crew members, pulling them into the ocean, and coiled around masts and rigging to crush them like matchwood.

Lapis took off across the deck, dodging and leaping with lightning speed. With no plot holes to escape through, she had to rely on her reflexes alone. Triton rode on her shoulder, hanging on for dear life. Where she was going, she didn’t know, but all she knew was that she had to keep moving if she was to survive.

A voice calling for Melody caught her attention, and she stopped. Chris was running around the deck, looking around for his lover. There was no sign of her anywhere He looked to Lapis and raced towards her. “Melody! Where is she? Is she okay?!”

“Melody is gone!” the girl replied in her frenzied panic. “She’s not the one for you, and she will never be! And you won’t be the one for anybody, Christopher Sparrow!”

Suddenly, a large tentacle bore down upon them. Lapis shrieked and bolted, but Chris wasn’t so lucky as the sucker-lined appendage wrapped around him. He cried out in panic as he was hoisted into the air away from her, limbs flailing. Elsewhere, Titus’s face was caught in one of the Kraken’s tentacles. His muffled screams didn’t last very long, as the combined pulling force of two suckers handily separated his head from his shoulders.

Lapis took a few more strides… and then skidded to a halt with a gasp of fright. She’d reached the end of the ship!

She hadn’t thought she’d make it this far. But now, there was no way out.

A portal opened in front of her, and beyond it was the sparse, oppressing main room of RC 512… just as the largest of the Kraken’s tentacles slammed down onto the ship deck.

The hull snapped in half with a terrible crash. Everyone left on board was hurled into the water — save for Lapis, who had dived through the portal at the last moment. As it closed behind her, Chris could only watch helplessly as the tentacle that had captured him lifted him a hundred feet above the sinking ship… and the horrible maw full of many rows of jagged teeth emerging amidst the debris.

“HELP! SOMEBODY! NO NO, PLEASE, NO! NOOOOO!!! AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!”

The tentacle had released him, and now he was plummeting down, down, down into the beast’s hideous gullet. And as Christopher Sparrow screamed his last, Davy Jones’ Kraken dragged the remains of Captain Deadnite’s ship, and every single one of its remaining crew members, down into the depths of the deep, dark, Scandinavian sea.

(Burp!)

***

Stephanie returned from the Flying Dutchman, having neuralyzed its captain and crew and sent it back to its home continuum. She found Lapis alone in RC 512; Cupid must have still been dealing with the Little Mermaid canons. The blue-haired girl was curled up on the floor, sobbing with her face in her hands. Both Melody's pov and the Oshawott she kept as a therapy pet were trying in vain to console her.

Lapis felt Stephanie carefully pick her up in her massive arms, and rock her like a baby. “You’re safe now, Lapis… we’re home.”

Lapis was all too happy to return the hug. “I liked the Kraken so much better from behind the TV screen…”

“Hey, I’m a kraken too!” Stephanie set the significantly smaller agent back on the floor.

Lapis wiped the tears from her eyes and chuckled dryly. Then her face fell. “How’s Chakkik?”

Stephanie looked sad. “Hurt. Bad. He was close to dead before I got him to Medical.”

“Should we see him? We all owe him an apology. Including me.”

Stephanie nodded. “Let’s wait for Cupid, though. He was taking care of the Little Mermaid canons…”

Right on cue, a portal opened up, and an angel with a pale red toga and oversized feet stepped through.

Cupid glared at his partner and hissed, “Lapis, if you know what’s good for you, do not speak a word of what you did to me to anyone. Ever.”

“What did she do?” asked a voice behind him. A four-year-old boy had arrived at the RC as well.

Stephanie’s eyes sparkled when she saw the child. “Oooohh he’s so CUUUUUUTE!”

The boy yelped and hid behind Cupid. “A-are you like Ursula? Or Morgana?”

“She’s with me,” said Cupid, turning to smile down at him. “And I am proud to call her a friend.”

Stephanie extended a hand. “Hi there, I’m Stephanie. What’s your name?”

He looked up at her soft gaze and relaxed. “…James. What is yours?”

“We’ll explain on the way to the Nursery, ” said Cupid. “Hey Steph, you know anyone we can leave him with?”

“Actually, there’s a really nice lady from my home continuum. You’ll know her when you see her; she looks JUST like the main character.”

“Well, what are we waiting for?” said Lapis. “Let’s wrap this up, and then talk to Chakkik.”

Some time later, after leaving James with Publica, the agents decided to make one last stop. Stephanie walked into Medical with the disentanglers in tow. “Hello? Doctor Fitzgerald? I’m here to see my partner. Huge, blond, gives you the evil eye and mutters ’mammals’ under his breath?”

The bald medic emerged from a nearby room. “Well, he just woke up, and while I haven’t heard any muttering, he has given the nurses a few nasty glares. He’s right in there.”

“Well, that’s a good sign, I suppose,” said Lapis, as she, Triton, Melody's pov, and Cupid followed Stephanie into the ward.

Chakkik looked mostly healed from his ordeal with Titus, though his gold eyes were somewhat unfocused. He had two IV’s next to him… one had a sparkling pink fluid in it and was getting more full by the moment.

Stephanie reclined next to her partner. “Chak? Are you all right?”

Chakkik’s voice was low and husky. “I have been beaten nearly to death, I have lost my swords, I have been thoroughly humiliated in front of a relative stranger, and I have just learned that my massacre of Deadnite’s crew evidently introduced a surprising amount of glitter into my bloodstream…” He closed his eyes for a moment. “…but I am alive and well, and will fight another day.”

Cupid sank to one knee in a bow of remorse. “And all of it was my fault. I do mean all of it — if I had gotten Stephanie back to you guys before we went in too deep, none of this would’ve happened. I am more sorry than I can tell you, Chakkik. I really am.”

Chakkik “hmm”ed for a moment. “According to Doctor Fitzgerald, Stephanie said that I have you and your partner to thank for still being among the living. So for that, I thank you.”

“Actually, I’m not the one who came up with the idea to bail you out. If there’s anyone you should thank, it’s her.” He waved a wing at Lapis.

“Well, to be fair, it was Cupid’s nonstop chatting that gave me the idea. But still, I did plan it all. And we all pulled through for you. All of us.” She took a can of hairspray from her hammerspace and dyed one of her pigtails. “Is my hair blunde, bleen, or beep blue?”

“Snrf? Snrf snrf,” said the pov, nuzzling against her leg.

Chakkik closed his eyes again. “Perhaps I misjudged you both earlier. I thought that Carmine was a drunken moron and you little more than a childish coward.”

Lapis gasped, and Cupid hid behind one of his wings, hanging his head. The Oshawott brandished his scalchop, glaring.

But Chakkik chuckled. “You have proven me wrong. So I pray your forgiveness. We have all been fools this day. I am the only one who didn’t stop.”

Lapis smiled, wiping a tear from the corner of one of her large blue eyes. “I’m sorry, too, for giving you the wrong impression. Both before and during this mission. So, poker buddies?” She offered a hand.

Chakkik chuckled again, and took her hand. “‘Friends’ sounds preferable.”

“Fair enough. Poker friends it is!”

Chakkik smiled, and picked up a cup of water from the nearby nightstand.

Stephanie turned to Cupid. “So… didn’t you promise me a date?”

Chakkik sprayed water all over Lapis in his surprise. “I, kof, have, spbpbt, the WORST timing, ahem , with drinks! Oh… my apologies, Lapis.”

The drenched, blue-haired trainer and her Oshawott both let out gentle gasps at the exact same time.

“Chakkik, did you just…” she started, but trailed off.

“What? Kof , I apologized, I am not in a state to do much else.”

“No, you called me by my first name. That’s… new.”

“Osh oshawott?”

Chakkik crossed his arms. “You have earned my respect. That is what has given you the right to be called by your given name.”

Lapis grinned broadly. “Thank you, Chakkik.”

“We’ll get you a new pair of sabers, too,” Cupid added. “What were they, and from what continuum, Chak? We’ll find a way to pay them off, promise!”

“Hm? They were magical sawtooth sabers, made of mithral. They were from the Pathfinder continuum.”

Stephanie poked him in the stomach again. “Hello? Cupid?”

He yelped and squirmed away from her, clutching his stomach. “Oh, yeah! The date! Well, I think I can make this weekend if a mission doesn’t get us! And I’d be happy to introduce you to my other partner as well, if you want to meet her. She’s a superhero from The Incredibles continuum! Too bad she couldn’t come with us on this mission, heheh…”

Stephanie’s eyes lit up. “YOU’RE FRIENDS WITH A SUPERHERO? Takemetohertakemetoher!”

Chakkik waved a hand. “I must remain here. You may remain with Cupid as long as I am in Medical.”

“Thanks, but we need to get back to our RC,” said Lapis. “Sarah’s probably gonna be worried sick. Besides…” She took out her camera, flashing a shark-toothed grin. “I can’t wait to show her my photos of Cupid in Melody’s clothes!”

“Oh, don’t you dare!” cried Cupid.

“Yes, I dare. She’s never gonna let you live this down!”

Stephanie shut them both up by hugging them to her ample chest. “Take me with you!”

Cupid went dopey-eyed and red-faced, and Lapis momentarily freaked out and tried to squirm out of her grip, her Oshawott trying to pull her out.

“Stephanie, I do believe that one of your companions does not appreciate the attention.”

She released Cupid, and kept hold of Lapis.

“Not him! Me!” Lapis yelled as she continued to squirm.

Cupid, none the wiser, waved goodbye to Chakkik and led the way out of the ward. “If I had a Hearts Cauldron, I’d never use it again!” he said to himself.

When he exited Medical, he reached into his bag, wondering if he should use a portal to save time, and instead found himself holding an unopened bottle.

Stephanie let go of Lapis and picked up Cupid. “Where to?”

“RC #333,” said Lapis, picking up both Triton and the pov before setting them on each of her shoulders. “And Cupid, I thought you said you had six bottles of Bleeprum, and Steph said you drank all of them.”

“I think we lost count after the third one,” he said, shrugging. “But whatever. Can’t let this stuff go to waste after what happened today!”

“You do know Sarah is going to kill you, right?” Lapis replied with an embarrassed smile, relieved to feel a giant anime sweatdrop splatter against her shirt.

“Don’t care. Badfic is bad. Rum is better.”

Lapis chuckled, rubbing the back of her neck. “Your funeral, I suppose.”

“Snrf.”

Needless to say, Cupid only needed to take one swig of the Bleeprum before he began to croon Jack Sparrow’s shanty once more. Recognizing the tune, Stephanie joined him (to Lapis’ exasperation) as they headed off to RC #333.

“Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me. / We pillage, we plunder, we rifle, and loot, / Drink up me hearties, yo ho…”