Chapter Text
Two elves appeared in front of the three contestant-turned-adventurers, one female and one male, both wearing huge sunglasses and fitted crimson, silver, and gold pantsuits. They posed and danced for the audience, eating up the raucous applause.
The female elf—Lydia—raised a skinny microphone to her mouth as she said, "Welcome to Heart Attack! Are you three brave heroes ready for your only chance at love?"
"Uh, pass," Magnus said, not amused by any of this.
"That's not an option, unfortunately," Lydia said with a smile on her face. "You don't have to play the deadly round, but we're still gonna have a little bit of fun. Doesn't that sound good?
"Yeah, sure," Taako said, unenthusiastically.
"Yeah, uhh," Merle said, equally so.
"I mean," Magnus said, "I cannot stress enough how uninterested I am in this."
"Well we're not gonna have a good time with it," Taako told Magnus, "but we're pretty much prisoners I guess. By the way! You did just say inescapable, so, like, how are things going? Pretty bad, it seems?"
A little bit of black smoke left Taako's mouth at his last statement. Instead of floating up toward the ceiling, however, this time the smoke took a hard ninety degree turn and disappeared. Taako smirked. "Looks like Barry's figured out how to use the suffering juice," he thought.
Next to the contestants, a sheet of fabric appeared and the silhouette of a humanoid mannequin appeared on it. The shadow moved in an unconvincing attempt to look alive.
The male elf—Edward—spoke next. "We're going to ask a series of questions to measure your compatibility with our hot contestant. Whoever charts with the highest lovability quotient will get a hot date out of it, are you three ready?"
"Hey Krav?" Taako asked.
"Yes?" Kravitz answered.
"Okay, listen. I have no interest in dating anyone but you. You're like, it for me, and I'm not gonna unpack that for now but listen. This whole love game thing, with the hot date and all, I don't care about any of that. But I do really, really care about winning. So, uh, just, don't be mad when I go all out, okay?"
Kravitz would have smiled if he could. "Of course, dear," he said. "I wouldn't expect anything else. I look forward to watching you crush the competition."
"Okay, cool," Taako thought. "Glad we got all that squared away."
"No! You know what? Screw this!" Magnus shouted, and Taako turned his head. A large amount of black smoke came out of his mouth, and Taako saw how Magnus watched carefully where it went. He kept complaining, watching the smoke disappear, but as soon as Edward and Lydia faced him, the siphoning stopped.
"Alright, fine, fine. Let's play," Magnus said after a moment.
"Question one," Edward said, "We'll go ahead and read for our contestant because they're very shy. Question one. Magnus, what is your ideal first date?"
"Oh, gosh," Magnus said, thinking. "Uh... let's see. I would say, I pick them up, you know, roundabout sundown, uh, and then we catch fireflies. And then I take them home, and we don't see each other again, because I'm really not interested in dating."
The audience made an exaggerated "oooooohh" sound, and Lydia said, "Playing hard to get, huh? It seems like our contestant is into that. Merle, same question. What's your ideal first date?"
"Alright, I let her pick me up," Merle said, and Taako was already preparing for the absolute mess that was about to transpire. "I mention to her that 'Uh, gosh I forgot my wallet at home,' even though we're in like the front yard. I volunteer to drive her vehicle, and tell her it's filthy, and so we go through the drive through vehicle wash and she pays for that too. And then I take her to have dinner with my family, and—"
"Wait, like your ex-wife, and stuff?" Magnus asked, holding back laughter.
"She meets my ex-wife. It does not—it really kind of sucks, and then, uh, she's having a miserable time and she's really mad, she can't wait to get outta there. I take her back to her house, and so I lean up against the door jam and say, 'Sure you don't want me to come in for a few minutes?' and she slams the door in my face."
Taako bursted out in laughter, and the other souls inside his body joined him. "That's your ideal date?" Taako asked, wheezing. "Wait, hold on—"
"I love your honesty!" Edward said to Merle before moving on. "Koko, another question! Say that you and our contestant are on a date, and one of your fans recognizes you on the street. How do you respond to that situation?"
"Well you know I really—" Taako started. "My fans come first, so I would definitely sign whatever, pose for fantasy pictures." Taako blinked, realizing—"Wait, cameras didn't exist on this world." "Not fantasy pictures but fantasy pic—you know, 'cause there's not cameras? I don't mean like fantastical pictures, I just mean like whatever passes for a camera in this reality—"
"Oh my gods, Taako, way to blow your cover," Lup said.
"Drawing?" Taako decided on. "Yeah, if they wanna draw me like their French girls that's fine. You know, I would just make sure the fan got what they were looking for, 'cause they come first, I need everyone I can get at this point, honestly."
For once, the audience went completely silent. The soft sound of wood tapping on the floor came from the other side of the sheet. Edward said, "Kind of an airball there, kind of a brick. That's okay, we'll get 'em on the next round. Magnus, same question. Say you and the contestant are on a date, and one of your fans recognizes you on the street. How do you respond to that situation?"
"I have fans?" Magnus asked.
"One of your heroic fans, sure!"
"I mean, I guess are they—what do they want? What does the fan want? Are they just like, 'Hey Magnus!'"
"Yeah- Yeah I don't- The question seemed pretty clear," Edward said, growing tired of this. For a split second, Kravitz felt sympathy for the elf. He'd known what it was like to be doing his job when these three came barging in, ruining everything with their lackadasical attitude. The brief feeling passed when Kravitz remembered that Edward and Lydia were liches who had hurt Taako and killed many others before them. Then, Kravitz felt smug. Those liches were only getting what was coming to them.
"Well, but I mean, the interaction varies, because if they just want, like, a wave and a 'hey,' I keep going. If they want me to stop and, like, sign a chair or something, whittle them a small duck, that might be inconvenient based on my schedule. Do we have dinner reservations, are we trying to get somewhere in a certain amount of time? I need more—there's a lot of parameters in every social interaction!" The audience started booing Magnus, whose competitive nature quickly took over and said, "Oh, okay. Um, I guess what I mean to say is...Since I was with my date first, they would take priority?"
The audience immediately changed their tune and started cheering. The silhouette started fanning itself.
Lydia seemed to be relieved that Magnus was finally playing along. She said, "Merle, new question. Why shouldn't the contestant choose your two competitors?"
"Well, because um," Merle started, "I mean look at Magnus. I mean, even though he's in his forties, he's kept himself up. He's in magnificent shape and would not be a gentle lover."
"Woah, woah! Hey!" Magnus interrupted, appalled at Merle's suggestion.
"So don't go with him. Koko is, he's too much into his work. Always chopping, always salting, always making sauces, um, and you know, when he's not cooking, he's studying about cooking, so there wouldn't be any time left for you. Whereas I am so old. I've only got one arm. I don't have a lot going on. I'll do nothing but pay attention to ya."
Lydia made an uncomfortable face before immediately moving on by saying "Okay. Koko, same question, why shouldn't the contestant choose either of your competitors?"
"Oh gods no," Lup thought.
"What is it?" Kravitz asked. Before Lup could do anything, Taako started.
"Um... it's me," Taako said slowly raising a hand to his chest, and applause roared. Taako flipped his braid over his shoulder and posed as he said "Hi, I'm Koko? You know, from TV?" A chair flew up from the audience and landed on the stage. The silhouette, however, was having none of it. Taako grabbed the umbrella and cast a spell on the mannequin.
The shape behind the curtain started laughing so hard that it fell out of its chair. As it fell, its head popped off, causing it to laugh more as it tried to pick up its head. It doubled over, and then it was just flailing in laughter. The entire scene was horrifying.
The two elves turned to Magnus and said in unison, "Magnus, what makes a good hero?"
Taako casted a spell on Magnus.
"What was that?" Kravitz asked.
"True seeing," Taako thought. "Magnus knows things about the red robes that he shouldn't. He knows that. Maybe he can help Barry if he knows what's going on."
"You know what?" Taako said, "Screw all of this. This sucks. I'm done playing."
Black smoke came out of Taako's mouth and was siphoned away. The elves were focused on Taako, but Taako watched Magnus out of the corner of his eye, who saw where the siphoned smoke disappeared into nothing.