Chapter Text
Remus had spent the whole first term at Hogwarts secretly looking forward to going home for the holidays. He sometimes laid in bed and thought about his own room, his own bookshelves and his own space. He thought about the quiet of home, of not hearing James snoring or Peter talking in his sleep.
He missed his parents, and he missed his sister. He missed the routine that he had kept most of his short life.
However, it surprised him greatly that when he arrived for winter hols, instead of feeling relief and joy at being home, he felt entirely lost and quite lonely without the company of James, Sirius and Peter. His bedroom was too quiet, the house felt small and suddenly cramped.
When they returned to school the second week of January, Remus was ecstatic.
All wasn’t peaceful, however. Upon their return, Sirius was in one of the blackest moods Remus had ever seen him in. It wasn’t like at the start of the year, all aloof attitude and pompous importance. Instead he was like a wildfire, unpredictable and violent. In the span of the first five days back, he’d ended up in three fist fights and with a week’s worth of detention with McGonagall herself.
Remus had attempted to give Sirius his space, not knowing how or what to do to ease the anger and not wanting to provoke it. Finally, though he was left with little choice.
He and Sirius had been paired for a Charms assignment. They had been sitting at one of the Gryffindor tables for some time, reading their textbooks. Or, Remus was at any rate. Sirius seemed to keep slowly spacing out in the general direction of the windows.
“Sirius, are you alright?” Remus finally ventured, setting his quill down. Most all the other students had either wandered up to their rooms or were still out in the library or in various other parts of the castle, giving them a relative level of privacy.
“What?” Sirius blinked, and then turned his head to focus his gaze on Remus. “M’fine. Why?”
“Well…besides hitting half the Slytherin first years? You keep staring off-“ Remus made a vague gesture with his hand. “You haven’t even started the essay.”
Sirius looked down at his blank parchment and sighed heavily. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I’m sure, but…maybe talking will help?” Remus offered. His mum had always said something like that to him when he was in a darker head-space. Especially on the bad days. He wasn’t sure Sirius would appreciate it though.
“I just-“ Sirius started, his shoulders tensing. Remus expected an outburst, to be told it wasn’t any of his business. Instead Sirius deflated. “I don’t know what to do. It’s not my fault I was sorted into a different house. I don’t get why it’s such a big deal.”
“A big deal to who?” Remus asked.
“My parents.” Sirius breathed a long, weary sigh. “It was just…the whole time I was home. It was bad. They acted like I didn’t exist.” Sirius propped his elbows on the table so he could hide his face in his hands. “I knew they weren’t happy. I got one letter last term from my mum. She was so mad. I just don’t get it. I brought home good grades, but she was still so angry.” Sirius looked up at Remus. “What….what are you parents like?”
“Um.” Remus wasn’t sure if it was a good time to discuss his home life with Sirius. Besides being a terribly private boy, he was sure his situation was very different. “I mean, it’s good.”
Sirius fixed Remus with a searching look and Remus quailed in the desperation radiating off him. He bit his lip hard, and then looked out the window before continuing.
“My parents are wonderful. A bit odd, but very kind. My mum, she’s not magical. My dad says she has a different kind of magic. She just understands things. He says it’s a special gift that lets her be more in tune with things around her. My dad, he’s very quiet. He loves nature and my mum and my sister and they just sort of go with things. My parents met while my mum was doing a conservation effort in the same place my dad was studying Marigolds for their medicine. My mum and I read a lot. Sometimes we take turns reading to my sister. She’s little still.” Remus glanced at Sirius, who was watching him with a curiosity Remus had never seen before. Almost a longing.
“My dad and I listen to a lot of music. He has this portable turntable that we set up in the living room sometimes and he’ll pull out his records.” Remus smiled sheepishly. “I love it.”
“They sound amazing. You said you were homeschooled?” Sirius arched an eyebrow. “Why is that?”
Remus felt anxiety creep up inside him and he stared at his hands. “Uh—well. You know, I get sick really easy. When I was little it was hard for me to go to public school. They didn’t like me being gone so much.”
“Sick like how you get sometimes now?” Sirius asked. “Why do you get sick?”
“W-weak immune system. It was worse when I was little.” Remus tried to soothe himself with the knowledge that it wasn’t totally a lie. “So instead of dealing with schools, my mum just taught me at home. She was homeschooled growing up too, so she’s pretty good at it.”
“I was homeschooled too.” Sirius said quietly. “But not like that. Not by my mum. I had tutors. Tutors for everything. My little brother has them now.”
“So like teachers that come to you?” Remus asked.
“Exactly like that, except that since there is only you, they just hover constantly.” Sirius shuddered. “My mum would sometimes watch, to see if I was behaving. My dad isn’t home much. When he isn’t it’s better anyway. He gets mad a lot.”
“Why does he get mad?” Remus asked, confused. He tried to imagine being happy his dad was gone, and it left him feeling empty.
“He’s always mad. He gets mad about if we don’t do enough studying, if we dress wrong, if our hair is too long or things are too messy.” Sirius sighed. “I’d like to meet them someday. Your parents.”
“I’d like that too…is it okay if I don’t want to meet yours?” Remus asked quietly. Sirius let out a bark of laughter.
“Hah—I’d be worried if you wanted to honestly.” Sirius gave him a sort of sad smile. “Thanks for listening.”
“I don’t mind hearing it. If you ever need to talk, just tell me. It causes a lot less detention than punching people.” Remus smiled shyly back.
“Well, I should probably do my half of this project. Otherwise I’ll look like a dolt next to you and your flawless charms ability.” Sirius chuckled.
“My charms aren’t flawless!” Remus pointed the feather end of his quill at Sirius. “Honestly.”
Sirius just rolled his eyes.
“I can’t believe you get to spend time with Fabian Prewett.” James moaned and threw himself onto his bed, staring at Remus with giant, envious eyeballs.
“I can. I saw my grade in potions last term. I had to look at it on actual paper.” Remus replied tartly. “And it isn’t spending time with, it’s tutoring. Which I desperately need.”
“Can’t I come?” James pleaded. “I won’t speak. I won’t interrupt. I’ll just watch.” He slurped off the bed, shuffling toward Remus on his knees and holding up his clasped hands like a beggar.
“No. Because you will speak and you will interrupt and then the whole session will be you trying to pry every secret about Dung Bombs under the sun out of him.” Remus shooed James and snatched his bookbag off the chair in the corner.
Remus had failed potions so extraordinarily that Slughorn had sent a letter home to Remus’ parents, where his bewildered father had written asking for a tutor. Fabian Prewett had offered his time up on Tuesday and Thursday evenings to work with Remus. James had instantly melted with insurmountable jealousy. Remus would have happily traded places with James perfect score and let him have the tutoring, but sadly the world didn’t work like that.
“Traitor!” James flung a sock at Remus with half-hearted intent.
“I know. Truly evil, that’s what I am. I’ll be back later, try not to cover anything in goo while I’m gone.” Remus opened the door and vanished through it.
Fabian had asked to meet him in the Herbology greenhouse at five, which had surprised Remus. He wasn’t sure why they would be doing potions tutoring so far away from the dungeons.
Remus sped through the halls, avoiding the throngs of students headed back to their Common Rooms, and then slipped out the doors to the courtyard.
The snow had been continuous since just before Christmas. Everything was coated in a thick layer of white and ice. Remus walked carefully over the slick stones of the path that led to the greenhouses. As he headed down the hill, the four large, domed buildings came into view.
Remus paused, feeling his heart speed up. He was so nervous. What if he blew something up? What if Fabian didn’t like him, or he regretted agreeing to teach him? He swallowed hard, trying to ease the panic that was crawling up his throat. Even if it went terribly wrong, he needed to do this. He wasn’t going to let fear cause him to fail.
Remus marched down the hill to Greenhouse Three, and he reached out, giving the door handle a yank. The door opened and warm, earthy air hit him in the face. The greenhouse always smelled like home. Damp earth, humidity and plants. He stepped inside and shut the door.
“Hullo?” He called out, glancing around the various tall plants and potting bins. He hugged his bag against his chest.
“Remus?” Fabian sweet tenor came from somewhere farther back. A moment later, he emerged from behind a large sunflower that had six heads on one stem. “Ah good, I’m glad you made it!”
Remus stared at Fabian. He was smudged with dirt. His buttery, golden curls were yanked up into a ponytail. He wore garden gloves that were caked with soil. Remus blinked slowly.
“Should we head to the potions room?” He asked, feeling very dumb and small.
“Not at all.” Fabian grinned, stripping off his gloves. “I have a set up in the back. Professor Sprout gave me a space when I became her PA this term.” He beamed. His nose had just the slightest dash of freckles over the bridge. “Much cheerier than the dungeons, don’t you think?”
“Y-yeah.” Remus nodded. His heart was pounding again, and he felt himself just staring. Fabian gave him a gentle look.
“Oh, come now, you don’t have to look so frightened. I don’t bite…much.” His smile twisted into something sly and fox-like. Remus gave a small, nervous grin in return. “Alright then, follow me.”
Remus was led to the back of the greenhouse where there was a table, a large cupboard, and the various needed equipment for potion brewing. It looked like his dad’s workspace in the shop behind their house.
“I like this.” Remus said quietly. “It’s nice.”
“Why thank you! I want to be a healer when I graduate.” Fabian said proudly.
“My dad’s a healer. He’s really good at potions and herbology.” Remus smiled. “I’m better at…well…reading really. I like to read.”
“Aww, you’re probably just fine at potions. The trick is to relax. The more you overthink what you’re doing, the more likely you’ll singe off your eyebrows.” Fabian winked. “So, lets start with a simple one today, how about a featherweight brew?”
Remus flinched. The first time he’d tried to do this concoction he had accidentally created some putrid green atrocity that had done nothing more than melt through anything it touched.
“Breathe, Lupin. It’s going to be fine.” Fabian put a hand on Remus’ shoulder, exuding calm confidence. “Now set that bag down and I’ll show you how much fun this can be.”
Fabian was right, in the greenhouse with it’s calm light and warm smells, Remus was far more relaxed. Together they chopped, minced and measured. Fabian was an excellent teacher. He corrected Remus without making him feel like a total bumble, showing him techniques to better prepare roots and mash leaves. They were so lost in making the potion that Remus almost missed the sound outside the greenhouse.
The hair on the back of his neck stood up and his head whirled around. Fabian too, had paused in his talking, his eyes narrowing at the door. He caught Remus by the arm and pointed to a dark spot near the back corner. Remus was confused as to why Fabian wanted him to hide, they had permission to be in the greenhouse, but Fabian gave him an urgent, firm look. Remus obeyed without vocalizing the question.
Remus watched Fabian himself melt into the foliage of the greenhouse. His lean body was graceful and silent as he stepped up to watch the door.
It opened and closed. Remus squinted around the various crates that were in front of him. He could smell her before he saw her. Bellatrix.
Remus peered through the gaps in the crates, following Bellatrix as she made her way into the greenhouse. She headed to a series of plants against the far wall that Remus had seen on his way in. They’d had a sign that read ‘Do not touch or use these herbs.’ Bellatrix had made a beeline for them.
She reached out, her fingers extending for the leaves, and suddenly Fabian was behind her, catching her wrist. Bellatrix let out a hostile hiss and jerked her head back to look at Fabian. She tried to yank her hand free of his grasp, but he held firmly.
“How can I help you this evening, Bellatrix?” Fabian’s voice was cool and measured.
“Do you always just spend all your time in the mud, Prewett?” Bellatrix sneered. “Mind your own business.”
“I can’t let you take those.” Fabian replied evenly. “Don’t you think I know what you’re up to?”
There was a long pause, and then a cruel laugh. “Don’t you think you’d best keep your nose out of it? Or do I need to remind you of a little situation concerning you and the whole school?”
“I’d rather the whole school know, than let you take a leaf of that.” Fabian’s voice had hardened to what Remus was sure was his version of anger.
Fabian had a secret? A secret Bellatrix knew. Something that the whole school would possibly loose it if they heard. Remus felt the cold fingers of fear against the back of his neck. He knew what that was like, but there was no way that Fabian was like him, right? There was no way there were two in the school. Dumbledore surely would have told him. They would have somehow bumped into each other.
“Listen here Prewett. You’d best be careful what you wish for. You have three more years to get through here. Do you really think it’s wise to paint a target on your back just to play hero where no one can see?” Bellatrix replied. She was still attempting to extract her hand from Fabian’s grip.
“I don’t care what you do, or how you try to blackmail me. The only potion I know you would make with Nightshade berries it completely over the line. You’re going to get someone killed in this petty feud.” Fabian’s voice was ice. “Is that how you want to be remembered? The woman so wreckless, so thoughtless, she was willing to kill to impress Quidditch scouts?”
“You know nothing! You just stay out of this you massive queer and let go. I don’t need you staining me with your disease!”
Fabian retracted his hands at the words as if he had been burned. Remus was painfully confused. He didn’t understand what it was that Bellatrix had said, but it obviously had genuinely hurt Fabian. He looked at Fabian, expecting him to get angry, but instead a sad, resigned expression came over him.
“I will not let you take anything from this greenhouse.” Fabian said firmly. “Do what you will with that, but I won’t. If you come back here, I’ll know. And I will be informing Professor Sprout that I found you here. I’m serious Bellatrix. Someone’s going to get hurt. Bow out before you ruin your own life. Playing dirty has never won a war.”
“You’re a bloody fool, Prewett. You’ll regret getting involved.” Bellatrix growled. She then spun around and stormed from the greenhouse, slamming the door behind her.
Silence stretched over the greenhouse, and finally Fabian sighed and sank down right where he was standing to sit hard on the earthen floor. Remus crept out from behind the crates, shuffling over to Fabian and sitting next to him.
“What was she going to do with the nightshade plant?” Remus asked quietly. He was no stranger to the properties of the berries. His father had warned him more than once of how dangerous nightshade was.
“Bellatrix is very afraid that if Slytherin doesn’t win the final match against Gryffindor, she won’t be scouted for a team. That’s not how scouting works, and I think somewhere she knows that, but in her mind the only solution is to make sure Gryffindor can’t win.” Fabian said in soft explanation. He had reached up and pulled the tie from his hair and was now combing his fingers through it.
Remus felt strangely angry at the look that was on Fabian’s face. His eyes were red-rimmed and over-bright with unshed tears and he looked painfully embarrassed and ashamed. Remus wanted to do something to help, he wanted to yell at Bellatrix, he wanted to do Something.
“Remus, sometimes people will do things that hurt you, and it’s important to understand that they aren’t in a place in their own heads to be kind. It will hurt, but you should never let that hurt rule you.” Fabian said quietly.
“What she said…I don’t understand.” Remus tried to see what he wasn’t in the words Bellatrix had spoken. He replayed the moment when Fabian had pulled away. The insult was there, but he didn’t understand what the words meant. “She…she called you odd?”
Fabian smiled then. It was heartbroken, tired and tears rolled down his cheeks as he regarded Remus with a look of gentle fondness.
“I suppose you are probably far to young to understand. Or maybe it’s just not something in your vocabulary. What she called me, Remus, is a nothing bad as a word, but in it’s intent.” Fabian took a deep breath. “I…”
Remus watched Fabian’s face, watched the tears that were escaping down his cheeks, the vulnerability that was so raw and exposed to the world that was Remus and the greenhouse.
“You don’t have to tell me…” Remus said quietly. “I know what it’s like to be different.”
Fabian looked a bit surprised. “You do?” He asked.
“Yeah.” Remus looked down. “I…I get it. I just don’t understand what’s so odd about you. You seem perfectly normal to me.”
Fabian laughed then. He rubbed at his eyes with his sleeves and the laughing mingled with little hysterical sobs and Remus was terrified he’d broken him.
“Oh Remus, the word as she used it wasn’t meant as such. She called me queer because Bellatrix is among exactly three people in the entire school, who know that I am gay.” Fabian said.
Remus blinked slowly. Gay. Homosexual? He nodded, absorbing the information. He didn’t know much about it, being gay. It meant liking people of the same gender, but his Aunt had a female spouse and his mother had always said that there is nothing wrong about love. That in a world where things are so turbulent, healthy love was never something to shame.
“Why is that bad?” Remus asked at length. “Why does it matter if you like boys?”
Fabian stared at Remus, as if his blatant acceptance was so astonishing, he couldn’t process it. “Well. Um, that is probably the very best thing anyone has said to me.” Fabian fumbled with his hands in his lap. “You see, in the old wizarding families, being gay isn’t very acceptable. When I was a first year, a gay boy came out and was bullied so terribly his parents pulled him from school. I’m from one of those old wizarding families.” Fabian sighed. “My brother knows, and now you. And Bellatrix. She found out when she found a journal I’d dropped accidentally in third year. She’s been trying to blackmail me ever since.”
“Why would she do that?” Remus asked.
“Because my brother, Gideon, is on the Quidditch team. And our friend Caradoc. I’ve intervened more than once as a prefect when she has gotten out of hand and she has tried to keep me from exposing her with that blackmail. Now it’s gone too far.” Fabian rested his cheek on his palm. “You’re a good one, Lupin.”
“Thank you?” Remus said quietly. He honestly felt overwhelmed. He suddenly wanted to ask a hundred questions. How did Fabian know he was gay? What did it feel like? Was it like how he felt the moon pull at him, or the weird instincts that seemed grafted into his own existence? Did Fabian just wake up one day knowing? Remus instead kept quiet.
“Well, I think that we’d best call it a night. I’m sorry for the interruption. I’ll need to tell Professor Sprout someone was in here.” Fabian stood, and Remus followed him.
“You won’t say it was Bellatrix?” Remus asked.
“Honestly, I’m not sure.” Fabian whispered. “Because, I am terribly scared of her, and what would happen if she told the school. She didn’t get ahold of any of the nightshade, we’ll set up a surveillance spell tonight. If she comes back, Sprout will catch her.”
“Why won’t you tell me what makes you so sick?”
“Sirius, we need to get to class.”
Remus was walking beside Sirius on the way to Charms. It was their final class of the day second term. Sirius had been pushing him since Remus had come back from his absence the previous day. This had been a particularly bad bought, and even after the stay in the hospital wing he looked peaky and weak. His body ached and his muscles strained against the exertion of his class work.
“No—You can’t expect me to just take that and leave it!” Sirius retorted. He had a furious storm cloud brewing in his body language. Fists clenching and unclenching, lips pressed so thin they were almost white. His eyebrows were furrowed under his shaggy fringe.
Remus tried to keep walking, but Sirius grabbed him by the arm, pulling him aside into a corridor that held few people in the distance. “Look, don’t you trust me?”
Remus felt the world spin dangerously. Did he trust Sirius? He did, but like how he trusted everyone that wasn’t his parents. Cautiously. He trusted that they would put up with him so long as they didn’t know. So long as the monster in the shadows remained a secret. He trusted that they would like him so long as no one knew the truth.
“Sirius…it’s not like that.” Remus whispered. Sirius’ face twisted with hurt and rage.
“It’s not like what? You don’t trust me, do you?” he hissed. “After all that bloody sod all about talking about things and being friends, you can’t even talk to me?”
“Sirius, it’s not—I don’t…” Remus quailed helplessly under the impending rage that was filling Sirius’ person. The agony of The Secret weighed heavier than ever in his life in that moment. He wanted to just scream it. Expose the darkest, most horrid parts of the world if it meant that the hurt in Sirius’ eyes would fade.
“It’s because of what I told you isn’t it? Because of the bloody crap I come from? Not worth trusting a Black huh?” Sirius snapped. Remus’ heart broke.
“Sirius—Sirius that isn’t it at all!” Remus tried to reach out, but Sirius smacked his hand away.
“Save it, Lupin.” Sirius said coldly. “I don’t need your pity.”
Sirius turned then and stormed down the hall. Remus watched him go. He stood there until the bells rung, and then he slid down the wall, burying his face into his arms. He never thought he would find a new way to feel such grief and agony at his curse, but he had. Lying to Sirius was probably worse than any full moon.
“Remus?”
Remus didn’t look up as his name was called. A shadow fell over him, and then a gentle hand on his arm. Remus sniffed and lifted his wet face from its shelter.
McGonagall was kneeling before him. Her hat was gone from her head, and her normally stern expression was now soft and kind behind her spectacles. Remus hiccuped a sob.
“Why can’t I just be like everyone else, Professor?” He choked.
McGonagall pulled him into a hug, and he hid there against her shoulder. She smelled warm, like lavender and incense, which he hadn’t expected. She held him until he stopped shaking, until he could somehow breath around the pain in his chest radiating from his heart.
“Remus, just because you are different, doesn’t mean you are less.” She said softly.
“But…but I lie to them…I have to lie and it…it hurts people.” Remus looked at McGonagall.
“One day you may find that there are people you will trust, who you will know, who can hear what you go through and see who you are without prejudice.” McGonagall said, and she helped Remus to his feet. “Learning that trust may take some time.”
“But…Sirius…” Remus faltered.
“I think Sirius probably knows more about feeling on the outside of things that anyone else you know.” She winked. “As he is just as different in his own struggles as you are in yours.”
Remus mulled that around. Sirius being a Gryffindor, that was in a way his own full moon. Maybe McGonagall was right.
“But how will I know if it’s okay to tell him?” Remus asked.
“I have a feeling, that when the time comes, it will all work out on its own.” McGonagall replied, and she smiled. “Now, I think perhaps a cup of tea is in order. I’ll tell Flitwick that you are excused from charms today.”
“But professor-“ Remus looked at her with wide eyes. She looked out the large windows that framed the far wall.
“If I remember correctly, you are well ahead in Charms. Let’s have tea, I believe I saw you carrying a copy of ‘The Picture of Dorian Grey’ earlier. It’s one of my favorites.”
Remus followed McGonagall as she started to walk. He was again surprised at her. He didn’t think she’d be the type to read muggle literature.
“And Remus, I think you should know…there isn’t a person alive who is alike another.” McGonagall said. “All of us have a secret, a part of us we are careful about. I think you will find more who embrace those differences than who reject them.”
Remus was quiet as he walked along beside McGonagall. She was right. Just between Lily, Fabian and Sirius he had started to find full moons hiding in everyone’s shadows. All just as desperately attempting to measure just how much and how little to give away.
“I want to embrace them.” Remus said softly. “I want to embrace everyone’s Full Moons.”
“And I am sure you will, Remus.” McGonagall favored him with a very kind look. “I’m very sure you will.”