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Chapter Text

The brilliant crimson engine of the Hogwarts Express was the most amazing thing Remus Lupin had ever seen. He stared in front of him, his fingers twisted desperately into his sweater. Beside him, his father cleared his throat, smiling as warmly as he could, despite the worry that Remus could see behind the glasses perched on his strong nose.

“Alright Remus, dear.” Adeline Lupin said warmly, she bent a bit while balancing little Claire Lupin on her hip. Claire dug her chubby fingers into her mother’s blouse and giggled. “Isn’t that a sight, are you ready?” Her kind smile was reassuring.

“Mum…I just want to stay with you.” Remus fixed his wide golden eyes on the eternal comfort of his mother. He had never been away from her. Had never been separated from the safety and understanding she created for him.

“Son, this is going to be an amazing adventure. Hogwarts is the most amazing place you’ll ever go.” John Lupin patted Remus’ arm gently. “You’re going to be just fine.”
Remus took a shaking breath. Children of all ages were starting to climb into the doors of the coaches that were attached engine. Steam billowed magnificently from the Hogwarts Express and Mrs. Lupin stood, taking Remus’ hand. “It’s time! Let’s get you loaded up. John, have you got his luggage?”

Mr. Lupin pushed the trolley as they worked through the sea of parents and siblings waving kids off through the windows. Mrs. Lupin handed Remus his satchel. Remus caught it and looked at her with a mix of terror and anguish. “Mum-“

“Now Remus, things are going to be just fine. Professor Dumbledore has made sure you’ll be alright. This is the first step to a brighter future for you.” She ducked down to kiss his cheek. “On you get. I won’t have any protesting now.”

“Be brave, Remus.” John said, reappearing after handing the luggage off to be loaded. He also ducked in, kissing his hair. “I know you will be.”
Remus looked between his parents, and then to his three-year old sister, her wide, blue eyes trusting and innocent. He pressed a kiss to her cheek and then gave his parents the most confident look he could muster.

The steam engine wailed a triumphant cry across the platform and Remus’ mother shooed him up the steps to the coach. “Be good dear! Write when you are settled!” She called to him.
“I love you!” Remus waved, but the he was forced up into the corridor as kids scurried onboard before the doors were closed.

The corridor was a bustle of pushing bodies as people tried to find the compartments of their friends, or an empty spot to take over. Remus felt dwarfed by the other students who shoved him aside. He ducked by a group of loud, rowdy boys and past a handful of girls who smelled strongly of something sweet and floral.

At the very end of the car Remus reached out and gave a compartment door a tug. To his amazement the space was only occupied by one boy. He was very plump, his rosy cheeks nearly downing his small, pale blue eyes. His blond hair hung limply against his forehead.

“Er—” Remus choked, pausing. “Mind if I?” He nodded to the empty seat across from the boy.

“Not at all!” The boy said, his voice was high, and his fingers twitched nervously in his lap. Remus slipped in and tugged the sliding door shut as the train jerked into motion. He dropped his bag on the seat and lurched for the window, fumbling for the clasps to lower the pane. He peered out, searching the sea of waving hands. He swallowed a silent sob of panic as the platform shrank away and a black tunnel surrounded the train.

He stumbled back, sitting down hard his eyes fixed on his shaking fingers. He was alone. He was impossibly alone for the first time in his life, surrounded by strangers. The terror of not knowing, of things going wrong, of his very fragile existence in this very fragile world made his head spin.

“Are you a first year too?”

The question took Remus off guard. He glanced up to see the strange blond boy staring at him. He swallowed, nodding.

“Yes, are you?” Remus asked, his voice cracking. He cleared it and tried to relax his shoulders wound tight as piano wire under his sweater.

“Yeah. My name’s Peter Pettigrew.” Peter gave Remus a weak little smile.

“Remus Lupin.” Remus offered.

An awkward silence stretched out before them and he wished deeply for the solace of the book he had stuck in his bag. Was it rude to read in front of another boy? Would he think it weird? What did normal boys usually talk about?

“Was it a surprise when you got your letter?” Peter asked, his eyes fixed on Remus as if he were some strange oddity.

“Err-no. Not really. My father’s a wizard. He’s a doctor and botanist. My mum’s not though. Not magic born. They met through a research project.” Remus sputtered.

Peter shrugged. “My parents are both old magic families.” He leaned back. The train erupted suddenly from the tunnel, sunshine streaming into the compartment as a view of rolling green hills spilled out to the horizon.

Remus’ breath caught in his throat. His gaze was stuck on the vibrant green and the sharp contrast of blue. It was so different than his home, a small house in a grey, rainy village on the outskirts of Wales.

“What? Is something out there?” Peter asked, craning to see what it was that Remus was staring at.

“Oh—no. Sorry.” Remus mumbled, tearing his gaze from the explosion of color. Another awkward silence started to stretch. Remus fumbled with a polite question to continue the conversation. “Do you like reading?”

“Hah-no.” Peter snorted. “What good is there in it when you could be out doing something else.”

Remus found his face heating and he shoved his bag farther back on the seat, hoping the books inside weren’t obvious.

At that moment the door to the compartment swung open with such violent force that Remus nearly jumped out of his skin. A boy stood on the compartment threshold, his grey eyes cold and hard. He had inky black hair that was perfectly cut and parted, his clothing carefully selected and obviously expensive. The shimmer of the embroidered green, silk vest made Remus’ eyes widen.

The boy strode in with purpose, flinging the door shut behind him. He dropped onto the seat beside Remus, who was openly staring.

“Hi.” Peter said simply, though his tiny blue eyes were open about as wide as the were able with the limitations of his pudgy cheeks.

The boy sneered at Peter, his eyes still cold and cool. He arched an eyebrow at them.

“I’m Peter.” Peter gave a little wave. “That’s Remus.”

Remus resisted the urge to flinch as the boy snapped a fierce look at him. His obvious disapproval at Remus wasn’t hard to see. A cruel smile flickered across his face. Remus scowled sharply.

“I’m Sirius.” The boy said cooly, looking at his fingernails, “Sirius Black.”

Peter choked on his tongue, his eyes nearly bugging out of his head. “No way!”

Remus arched an eyebrow. He wasn’t sure what was so sodding special about being a Sirius Black, but apparently it was enough to render Peter utterly starstruck.

“Like the Black family? Like The Black Family?” Peter went on excitedly.

Sirius, who was obviously pleased at the reaction from Peter, nodded importantly. “Yes, that would be it.”

Remus wanted to roll his eyes. He desperately wanted to free a book from his bag, but Peter’s scornful words held him back.

“I’m from the Pettigrew family.” Peter went on excitedly, obviously trying to impress Sirius in some way. “We’re an old family. My dad worked for the black family once!”

“Is that so?” Sirius drawled. “I haven’t heard too much about the Pettigrew family, but it sounds as if you are a noble sort.”

Remus snorted and looked out the window.

“What do you think’s so funny?” Sirius shot archly, his lip curling.

“Nothing. Honest.” Remus held his hands up in defense.

“What family are you from?” Sirius pressed, his defiant tone like a knife at Remus’ throat.

“Lupin.” Remus said quietly.

“Huh. Never heard of them.” Sirius snorted. “Muggle born, are you?”

Remus blinked. A wave of embarrassment he didn’t understand washed over him, making his face burn. He’d never heard anyone use such a nasty tone talking about being muggle born before. Was it bad to be muggle born? Or to have muggle parents?

“No—my dad’s a wizard-“ Remus snapped, self-conscious shame making him sink back into the seat.

Sirius’ expression twisted up into a look of disgust. “That makes sense.”

Remus was shocked. He felt his stomach twist up in a strange sort of rage.

“Remus—Remus the Black family are really famous. Really old, powerful blood. You must be like, a protégé or something!” Peter gushed.

Remus stood, Sirius’ expression boring into him. He snatched his bag strap, his hands shaking.

“Where are you going?” Sirius sneered.

“Somewhere less rude I think.” Remus said cooly. “Wouldn’t want to muddy your trip with my unappealing last name.”

“Hah. Well, a coward like you would never make it into a strong house. Nice knowing I won’t be seeing you in the slytherin common room.” Sirius laughed, a cold, hard sound.

Remus, with all the dignity he could muster, walked to the door, opened it, and turned to face the boys. “Good day then.” He said with a polite smartishness. He swung the door shut.

He faced the now empty corridor, suddenly aware that there was likely no place for him to sit. He inched down the cramped space, not entirely sure what to do. He couldn’t just swing a door open and invite himself in like Sirius had done. The train was moving now. Where would he go?

A few doors down, a compartment slid open and a girl stepped out. She had a mass of curling, red hair. She bent and snatched a pen from the ground. “Hah! I knew I dropped it…” She stood, catching sight of Remus.

“Haven’t you got a seat?” She asked brightly. Remus shook his head. She stepped up to him, grabbing his arm and hauling him back into her compartment with her. “Hello! I’m Lily Evans!” She grinned, sticking out a hand for him to shake. He took it, a sheepish smile crossing his own face.

“Remus Lupin.” He said softly.

“Well, it’s lovely to meet you!” Lily beamed. “This is Severus Snape, and that’s Molly Weasley! She’s a second year!”

Remus’ eyes flickered over the other two. Molly could have been Lily’s sister with matching wild hair and freckles. She patted the seat next to her and Remus sat gingerly. He felt shy and unsure. He glanced at the boy huddled into his seat. He had stringy black hair and a sallow complexion. He looked as anxious as Remus felt.

“C’mon Severus, don’t be so grumpy.” Lily gave the boy an encouraging prod, but Severus only grunted and tried to push Lily’s hand away. She gave Remus an apologetic look.

“It’s alright, I’m nervous too.” Remus said kindly. “Do you know which house you want to be sorted into?”

Lily shrugged. “Honestly not really. I have a feeling it’ll be Ravenclaw though. How about you.” She was twirling her ballpoint pen in her fingers. Rems blinked. A ballpoint pen. She probably came from a home with muggles and Remus instantly felt far more relaxed. He also noted that she had a book sitting on the sweater beside her on the seat. Remus decided right there that he liked Lily.

“Well…” Remus picked at a stray string on his bag strap. “Honestly, I figure I’ll probably end up in Hufflepuff or something…but I’d like to be in Gryffindor.” Remus whispered.

“I’m in Gryffindor!” Molly grinned. “It’s awesome. Everyone gets blue in the face about Quidditch, and the dormitory has the best view!”

Remus smiled at Molly, appreciating her enthusiasm. Lily was giving him a questioning look now, obviously curious about his reasoning.

“Are you into Quidditch and such?” She asked. Remus shook his head.

“Not really no. Honestly, I much prefer a book over any sport…I love studying and I’m very excited for classes. I-I was homeschooled before now.” Remus said quietly. “But I want to be in Gryffindor because I want to be brave. I want to find adventures and take chances.”

Remus glanced up at Lily and caught the wonder and appreciation in her expression. She smiled at him. “Then I hope you get sorted there.” She said quietly.

Molly nodded in agreement. “Wanting to be brave means you already sort of are you know. It means you are open to taking chances.”

“Oh…you don’t know the half of it.” Remus laughed, finally feeling himself start to relax.

The train ride extended into a gentle, steady rhythm. The clear, blue sky acted as the train’s guide across the tracks that wound through first hills, and then stretches of farmland, and finally mountains. Lily and Remus talked about the books they had enjoyed over the summer. Lily told Remus about her parents, who owned a beautiful flower shop in Surrey. Severus said very little, his nose firmly stuck in a potions textbook.

“Did you lot remember to pack your school robes?” Molly asked. She had stood, tugging her own from her bag. “We should probably get changed.”

Remus nodded, opening his bag and pulling them out and barely hiding his relief at not accidentally leaving them on his bed at home.

“Good.” Molly grinned. “Alright, you two out. We’ll change first, and then you can, Remus.” Remus nodded. As Severus stood, Remus realized that he was already wearing his uniform. He was surprised he hadn’t thought to just wear his onto the train.

They stepped outside into the corridor so the girls could change, and he glanced at Severus. “You and Lily seem to be good friends.” He said pleasantly.

“Yeah.” Severus muttered. He tugged at the front of his robes, shuffling his feet.

“Did you two grow up together?” Remus asked curiously.

“It doesn’t matter.” Severus growled, suddenly obviously uncomfortable. Remus was surprised, but he opted to stay quiet.

They stood in silence for several long minutes, until the door finally reopened. “Alright, Remus it’s your turn! Severus and I are going to go find the snack trolley!” Lily bounded out, snagging Severus by the arm and dragging him off. Molly laughed.

“I’m going to go make sure my stupid big brothers aren’t lighting anything on fire. I’ll be right back.” Molly gave Remus a lazy salute and then she sauntered down the corridor in the opposite direction.

Remus stepped back into the compartment, shutting the door behind him. The low rumble of the train was a welcome disturbance to the otherwise sudden and overwhelming silence. He was grateful for the privacy in changing, but he couldn’t help feeling a bit at a loss.

He tugged his clothes out, stripped down quickly, and redressed.

As Remus straightened, he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the glass of the windows. He looked awkward. The robes were a little big, so he could grow into them according to his mother. His tie was straight, but the knot was clumsy, and his brownish hair was a mop of frumpy half curls.

The door behind him opened and Lily burst back into the compartment. In her arms she held three boxes of Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans, and several chocolate frogs. She thrust a box at Remus and beamed. “Thought you might like one!”

“Thank you-“ Remus graciously accepted the treat, despite the dangerous flavors that lurked within. “I haven’t got anything I can share with you though…”

“It’s not trouble, honest. I wasn’t going to just get the lot for myself.” Lily flopped back onto her seat and dumped the sweets between them. “Severus is using the loo, but he’ll be back. Where’s Molly?”

“She said something about her brothers and a fire?” Remus offered, watching her delicately extracting a chocolate frog from its case. She let out a gasp of surprise when the frog leaped from the container.

“They really do jump!” She grinned. “I’ve never seen one before! How amazing-“ She watched as the enchanted candy frog scuttled across her book. Then she seemed to register what Remus had said.

“Fire?” She asked, startled.

“I’m not really sure-“ Remus started, but the door opened again, and Severus, followed by Molly reentered the space.

“Was something really on fire?” Lily asked Molly immediately, thrusting a chocolate frog at her.

“Not this time.” Molly said, she threw herself dramatically to her seat. “Being a member of the Prewett family is a great burden.”

Remus, still holding his carton of beans, sat staring at Molly. He’d never heard of the Prewetts, but he caught a look from Severus he couldn’t quite decipher. Like a carefully concealed version of the look Sirius had given him earlier.

Molly caught Remus staring and she laughed, wagging a finger. “Don’t you lot worry, you’ll have the pleasure of meeting my idiot twin brothers soon enough. They’re fourth years in Gryffindor.”

Remus nodded, wondering as to what sort of fellows could cause a younger sister to need to check on them for explosive fires on a train. He decided he’d just find out when he had to.

It was well past dusk by the time the train came to a laborious halt at the Hogwarts platform. The evening sky was clear, the stars a perfect backdrop against the silhouette of the castle in the distance. The moon was a single sliver cut into the indigo velvet.

As Remus stumbled off the train and into the cool, end of summer air, he stuck very close to Lily. Ahead of them, he spotted Peter and Sirius.

“First years this way!” Remus blinked as he attempted to comprehend what he was seeing. At the front of the crowd was a very large man. He wasn’t very old, probably in his late twenties, but his shoulders could easily have held a tree. He had the beginnings of a beard started, and as Remus moved in closer, he realized he must be something like eight feet tall.

“This way now, follow me!” The man called, chuckling as the first-year students surrounded him. “How’d you like a boat ride across the lake. Arrive in style, the lot’o ya.”

“Boat ride?” Remus attempted to look around the man. He could just make out, on the surface of the lake that bordered the castle, a fleet of boats sitting on the glassy surface of the water. Lily bounced excitedly on the balls of her feet.

“Oh that is so cool!” She bumped Remus with her bouncing. Lily’s infectious excitement was aiding to quell the extreme anxiety that had surfaced as the train had halted.

They were led to the boats and separated into groups of four. Lily, Severus, Remus and a new boy were loaded up. In the light cast by the lantern hung on the prow by a hook, Remus could see the boy better. He had round glasses that sat crookedly on his nose, and a smudge of dirt ran over one cheek. His hair was a wild dark mess, but the smile on his face was bright with excitement and a little more deviousness that Remus was expecting from a load of nervous eleven-year-olds.

“I’m James-“ the new boy introduced. “James Potter—you reckon there’s a monster in there?” He jabbed a thumb at the center of the lake. “My dad said there is- can you believe that!”

“There’s no monster.” Lily said sternly, looking at James. “They wouldn’t float us crossed it if there were.”

“Alright boys and girls,” The man, Hagrid as he had introduced himself, called out to the students. “Now try not to stick and fingers in the water. I don’t want anyone losin’ any right before the sortin’.”

James shot Lily a look and wiggled his fingers. “Monsttterrrrr-“

Lily humphed and crossed her arms over her chest. “Maybe he’s just having us on.”

Remus looked at Severus, who had said nothing at all as they had been loading up. What he saw shocked him. He had fixed James Potter with one of the most hateful looks Remus had ever seen. As if the sheer fact that James existed were unexpectable. Severus glanced at Remus, who looked purposefully up at the castle, pretending he hadn’t seen anything.

The boats began to move, all at once and without any sort of aid. Remus caught the side in a death grip as they lurched forward. James’ teasing expression softened, and he leaned forward, giving Remus’ knee an easy pat.

“Hey, it’s alright. They’re only enchanted.” James said. “Nothing to worry about.”

“Enchanted?” Remus echoed. Despite himself, James’ reassurance eased him, and he took in a slow breath. Every time he looked at the castle, his heart twisted in his chest, knowing that soon he’d be sorted. Soon he would be placed in the next seven years of his life. If he didn’t bugger it up.

“Yeah. Cool huh?” James beamed. Remus nodded and looked at Lily, who was eyeing James with a sort of measured curiosity.

“How do they do that?” She asked.

“I’m not sure how on boats, but my mum used to do it to my—” James went a little red as he faltered. “Uh—to my toys. In the tub. When I was little.”

Remus recalled his father using his want to levitate cups of coffee to his mother, or a book to her when she had been pregnant with Claire. He nodded.

“That makes sense. Like how it’s done on smaller things but stronger.” Remus tapped the side of the boat thoughtfully.

“I can’t wait to learn how.” Lily said softly, awe tracing her tone.

The boats glided in across the lake and brought them up to the shore just a short walk from the castle. They disembarked and Hagrid lead them up a path that had been worked into the grass over generations of students. Remus’ eyes were now fixed on the castle itself.

From the train platform, the towers and ramparts had looked like something painted into a storybook, but now the enormity of it seemed impossible. The carved stone was like a fortress, powerful and intimidating to Remus, who felt no more than a foot tall as they approached the staircase that lead up to the main entrance. Before the massive, oaken doors a woman stood waiting for them.

“I am Professor McGonagall-“ She said in a tight, clipped voice. “If you would follow me, I will lead you to the Great Hall, where you will begin the Sorting Ceremony and be introduced to your fellow housemates.”

Remus couldn’t stop staring at Professor McGonagall. She was in her forties, her robes a mix of rich emerald greens and dark greys. On her head was a witch’s hat. Remus just couldn’t get over the hat. In all his years, he had never seen his father ever dress in that sort of hat. It reminded him of the books he had read with his mother of a muggle’s idea of witches and wizards. He just couldn’t believe anyone magical would wear one. He was torn between laughter, and amazement. His mum would probably have found it hilarious.

Lily nudged him, and he realized that they were being led up the stairs. He stumbled to catch up and they stepped inside the doors.

They walked down a long outdoor corridor that was boarded on one side by large windows, and on the other, the sprawling castle courtyard. Then they were up another set of stairs, and through another even more enormous door that led them into the castle.

Inside, the walls were hung with candle lit torches. The hall itself was one magnificent room. On the far side of the room, three massive staircases extended upward and into the vast space above. Two descended out of sight. Remus could just make out some attached hallways that tapered away to other rooms and spaces probably just as discombobulating as this one.

Professor McGonagall brought them to a halt outside yet another set of doors. These were different. They were ornately carved, and though they seemed to be made of wood, they had almost a metallic sort of heaviness to them.

“Alright, this is the Great Hall. When I open these doors, you will follow me to the front of the hall, where you will be lined up. When the sorting begins, I will call you names, and you will step forward, and have a seat on the stool we have set for you. Then you will be sorted, and I will direct you to your table. Is that understood?” McGonagall said, her tone sharp and firm.

There was a weak acknowledgement made. Remus glanced around him, now surrounded by a wash of extremely anxious faces. A few students looked pale to the point of green. Remus’ own heart was hammering out a beat against his sternum. He swallowed hard. Beside him, Lily wrung her hands and bit her lower lip. Remus cast around the group for Sirius Black. He was standing near the back now, his face ghost white, all signs of aloof arrogance gone. He looked like he might be sick on his own expensive shoes.

Sirius looked up at just that moment, and they made eye contact. Remus thought to look away, before Sirius made a sour face at him. Instead in that locked intensity, Sirius’ expression was awash with helpless fear that shattered his entire façade like china being dropped on stone. He urgently searched Remus’ face, as if attempting to find something there, and Remus surprised himself. He smiled as warmly and gently as he could and mouthed ‘you’ll be fine’.

Sirius gave a little nod. And then looked away pointedly.

When Remus looked forward again, he found he wasn’t so scared. McGonagall had pulled open the doors, and strangely he felt calm. He felt collected and grounded and ready. He was still nervous, but he wasn’t afraid.

“You ready?” He asked Lily. She gave him a smile, fierce courage shinning at him from bottle green eyes.

“You better believe it.”

McGonagall led them into the hall. There were four very long tables, where students were already seated. Each had a different set of colorful banners waving over them. They were brought to a halt at the very front of the hall, where placed on the raised platform were the professors were all seated at there table, sat a stool.

An older man stood. His beard was long and white, and nearly touched the belt at his middle. Remus watched as he stepped up beside the stool to address the first years, and the other students watching.
“Another year has begun, and as is tradition, I have the honor as headmaster to welcome the new students to Hogwarts. Each of you will be sorted and placed into your house to begin the schoolyear with a customary feast as you meet your fellow housemates.”

Remus realized that this man was Albus Dumbledore. The only headmaster who had taken his parents pleading and listened. The man who had made his future, this moment, something that could exist. Remus was awash with gratitude, as he watched Dumbledore lift an old, battered hat off the stool. He held it up for everyone to see.

“And now, if you would be so kind, Minerva, to read the first name on your list, I think we are ready to begin.”

Remus watched as the first girl stepped up. The hat was placed on her head, and it seemed to bunch and twist. Remus was struck suddenly, by the understanding that the bunching and squirming bits seemed to be a mouth. A hat with a mouth.

And then the hat spoke.

“Hufflepuff!!” It boomed out across the hall.

The Hufflepuff table erupted into applause as the girl stood, and McGonagall pointed her to one of the empty seats at the end of her new table.

Students were called one by one, to go under the hat. When Lily’s name was called, Remus gave her an encouraging smile.

Lily strode up to the headmaster and sat with purpose on the stool. The hat was placed on her head, and it hummed thoughtfully. “What a bright mind. Very bright, and inquisitive. Such strength, such determination—Gryffindor!!” The hat called.

Lily looked stunned. She searched the faces for a moment, and Remus realized she was looking at Severus, who wasn’t looking at her. He had turned his head.

A few students later, James Potter was called. The hat barely touched his head before it barked Gryffindor again. James grinned and hopped off the stool, sitting across from Lily at the clapping Gryffindor table.

When Severus was called, Remus watched him slink to the steps. He sat on the stool, not looking at the headmaster. The hat didn’t even touch his head before is shouted Slytherin at top volume. Remus blinked in surprise. He looked at Lily, who was looking down at her lap.

“Remus Lupin.” McGonagall called.

Remus’ heart jumped. He worked his way through the remaining students and up the short steps to the platform. Dumbledore fixed him with a warm smile, and Remus was surprised to return it with strength. His heart was racing as he sat on the stool. A dizzying number of faces were glued to him as the hat was placed on his head.

“Such heart you have, for such an age. What a strong and unbreakable mind. Gryffindor!”

Remus sat, stunned for a long second, and then he remembered to breathe. He stumbled off the chair, not missing the proud look Dumbledore gave him. McGonagall looked equally pleased as she pointed him to his table. He thanked her and headed off to take the seat beside Lily.

“You did it!” She beamed, and Remus nodded. He was sitting at the Gryffindor table. He had been sure he would have been in Hufflepuff, like his father had been. He was so deeply stunned he almost missed the next name being called.

“Sirius Black!” Called McGonagall, her eyes narrowing ever so slightly. A hushed whisper ran through the room. Remus was surprised by the stir. The Slytherin table was suddenly very alert, all eyes trained on the him.

Remus watched Sirius come up the steps. He was doing his best to look unaffected and composed. He perched himself on the chair importantly, and Dumbledore lifted an eyebrow. Remus didn’t miss the look of amusement that crossed the headmaster’s face as he settled the hat on Sirius’ head.

A deafening hush shifted across the hall. It stretched on and Remus caught the look of panic that shot through Sirius’ expression.

“You can be who you choose.” Remus heard the hat murmur, and then the mouth of the hat screwed up. “Gryffindor!”

The hall stayed perfectly quiet. Sirius sat frozen to the seat. No clapping erupted, no happy cries, nothing of any sort. It was dead silent. Dumbledore lifted the hat and smiled warmly at Sirius. Sirius seemed to be internally melting. He lingered on the stool, and then slowly and stiffly he stepped down. He stumbled past McGonagall and staggered down the steps. He was forced to take the seat beside James, where he sat motionless, staring at the scuffed wood of the table like he was processing news of someone’s death.

Remus was so busy trying to decipher Sirius’ reaction he didn’t look up when Peter’s name was called. He glanced up when another strange silence started to stretch. Peter seemed to be muttering. With his hands clasped in his lap he looked like a kid begging not to be grounded. He seemed to argue with the hat for what seemed like an age, and finally the hat barked Gryffindor though it seemed a bit confused. Peter hoped down and planted himself next to Sirius, grinning at him.

Sirius didn’t look at him. He was still staring at the table. Remus couldn’t help but think that with the defeated look and the way his shoulders sagged, he looked like a man who’d been given a death sentence.

“I’m so glad we are in the same house.” Lily said to Remus, pulling his attention from Sirius.

“Me too.” Remus agreed. He didn’t miss her glance to the Slytherin table. “I thought for sure you two would be in the same house.”

“I would have been more surprised if we had.” Lily said, a hint of sadness creeping into her voice. Remus frowned wonderingly. He had a feeling that this held a much bigger significance than he could possibly understand. Lily caught his concerned look and she tried for a softer smile.

“Hey, it’s okay! We’ll have classes together! We can do a study group!” She seemed to bounce back at the thought of it.

“That would be amazing.” Remus said eagerly. “I haven’t never gotten to do anything like that before.”

“Because of the homeschool?” Lily asked, sounding surprised.

“Yeah-“ Remus said quickly, cursing himself for saying something like that out loud. “T-there weren’t a lot of other kids my age near my house for things like that, so I usually worked alone.”

“Well, that sounds awful. We’ll need to fix it.” She smirked mischievously. “I hear chocolate is amazing for study sessions.”

“Really?” Remus laughed. “Well, I you might be able to persuade me into it then.”

Remus noticed James trying to talk to Sirius, his expression a strange mask of understanding. None of the other kids had tried to talk to Sirius at all since he’d sat except Peter. James was saying something Remus couldn’t make out.

All other conversation was cut off, however, as suddenly the table was filled with enormous quantities of food. Remus and Lily talked between bites about classes they were excited for, and eventually trailed off as exhaustion and food coma made them sluggish.

McGonagall finally stood and she and three other teachers introduced themselves as heads of house. McGonagall was head of Gryffindor house, and with a wave of her hand, they stood, and she led the out of the great hall.

As Remus followed behind, he realized that this was it.

This was the beginning of a very big adventure.

Chapter Text

Remus had learned three essential things in his first two weeks at Hogwarts. First, everything was much farther away than it feasibly should have been, making being late a constant factor in life. Second, there was much more homework in an actual class setting than with homeschool. Finally, third. As a Gryffindor, trouble would find you, no matter how you hide.

The first two weeks had boasted lovely weather. Sunshine dumped down into the castle courtyard, warming the students that sat reading or talking under trees. Remus had deeply enjoyed walking with Lily through the courtyard and talking about the various little things they had encountered through the day.

However, the second Monday of term dawned soggy and miserable. By midday the walkways were swamped with water. Remus had gone shin deep in mud trying to wade out to the herbology greenhouse, forcing him to return to the dormitories to change trousers. This was something he went out of his way to avoid doing.

Remus avoided the dorms for as long as he possibly could. He was determined to somehow negate the trouble that seemed to lurk there whenever he stepped inside. Trouble being Sirius Black, who was none too pleased to be stuck in the tower with Remus, Peter and James.

Remus slipped past the Fat Lady and into the Common Room. The large windows that bordered the far side wall displayed the miserable grey skies as rain rolled down the panes. Remus made a face and turned for the stairs that led up into the boys’ dormitories.

This time of day, everyone would be headed to lunch in the Great Hall, so he didn’t expect to run into anyone. He took the stairs as quickly as he dared in his soggy, wet state. He reached the landing for the first years’ floor and walked down the short corridor to his room. The door was ajar when he reached for the handle, and a sound from within made him stop.

He leaned in a little closer and heard it again. A rustle and a sniffing noise, like someone was crying. He frowned, his fingers hovering over the door handle. He had to go in and change. He’d get detention showing up soaking wet to transfiguration.

That would mean barging in on whichever one of the three was having a personal moment. He knew it was probably Peter. He’d been struggling quite hard with home sickness.

He made a split-second decision. He’d just apologize to Peter, grab dry things to change into, and duck into the bathroom. He grasped the handle, swinging the door open and slipping inside. He shut the door and turned to face the room. What he saw brought him up short.

On his bed next to the window, Sirius was curled, his forehead pressed hard against his knees. His shoulders shook with a sob.

“Sirius?” Remus asked, tentatively. Sirius was the last person he’d expect to find up here. Maybe he wasn’t feeling well? Worry pulled at Remus’ conscious. Sirius didn’t like him, had barely breathed in his direction since they’d all been put in the same room. That being said, he couldn’t just walk off without checking on him, right?

Remus edged closer to Sirius, spying the piece of paper on the bed beside him. Remus wondered if he’d gotten some bad news from home. “Sirius, are you alright?” He tried again.

Sirius’ hateful grey eyes peered up from behind his knees. His black hair was mused and wild, giving him a dangerous look. “Go away.” He hissed.

“I-“ Remus fumbled.

“Go away!!” Sirius screamed, grabbing the book that was on his side table and chucking it at Remus. Remus ducked and the book sailed harmlessly over him and hit the wall. Sirius’ rage was briefly interrupted by surprise. However, the anger was quick to return and with added irritation. “Leave me alone! It’s none of your business!”

Remus was torn. He still needed clean clothes, he needed to head to his next class, and he definitely didn’t feel right about leaving Sirius here alone.

“I was just worried-“ Remus started, but Sirius was looking at Remus with such genuine fury that he took a full step back.

“I DON’T NEED YOUR PITY!” Sirius screamed, now throwing everything within grasp at Remus. Pillows, a shoe, and a roll of parchment came at Remus, who easily evaded the projectiles. “I DON’T NEED PITY FROM SOME HALF BLOOD BIG NOSED FREAK!”

Remus arched an eyebrow, his expression still one of torn worry. “Concern is different from pity.” He said with a level measure of force. He turned on his heel and walked back out of the dorm before Sirius could respond.

“Honestly Remus, you should have just come to me first.” Lily tapped her want on Remus’ head and the water evaporated from his clothes. “I feel bad that you’re stuck in the same room with him.”

Remus sighed. He’d filled Lily in on what had happened with Sirius. They were both settling in for Transfiguration, but Remus couldn’t help eyeing Sirius’ empty seat.

“I’m not angry with him.” Remus shook his head. “I think I just came in at a really bad time. I think he got some bad news or something.” Lily gave him a kind, sympathetic look.

“You don’t know much about the Black family, do you?” She asked, reaching up to fix his impossibly frumpled hair. Remus shook his head.

“Not really. Just that they are wealthy or something, and that James seems to get it.” Remus pulled out his quill and inkwell from his bag.

“The Black family are very wealthy. They are a very famous…or maybe infamous these days, old wizarding family. They’ve all been in Slytherin for generations with very few exceptions, and those exceptions haven’t been allowed back. I heard talk that Sirius is the first of the Black family to ever be sorted into Gryffindor. His family probably thinks he is a disgrace or something.” Lily looked at her book cover. “It’s things like that which make me grateful I’m from a non-wizarding family.”

“How do you know all of that?” Remus looked genuinely surprised.

“I…Sirius’ family isn’t the first I’ve known who has old blood struggles.” She whispered. Remus had a feeling she was talking about Severus. He’d barely talked to her since the start of school. She kept saying that it was because he was trying not to cause her trouble, that he didn’t want anyone to pick on her. Lily seemed deeply pained by the whole situation.

“That’s awful.” Remus said quietly. It sounded like a prison. He knew what it was like growing up in a sort of prison, restricted and kept from interacting with others. He twisted his fingers together in his lap.

Sirius wasn’t in any of the afternoon classes he and Remus shared, and Remus was honestly afraid to go back to the dorms that evening. He went to the library after dinner to do his homework instead of going to the common room. He had settled in at a table in the far back and had stayed there until the Librarian, Madame Pince, chased him out to go to bed.

He shuffled down the hallways wondering if he would be lucky enough to find the other boys asleep when he got in. He doubted it though. James had a habit of staying up late, talking to Peter about Quidditch teams and various games.

Remus was just rounding the corner to the stairs when a hand came from the darkness and seized the back of his robes. He opened his mouth to let out a screech of terror, but another hand clamped over his mouth. He was drug unceremoniously into the shadows of the space behind staircase. He was about to bite the hand that was holding him when he caught the flash of James Potter’s glasses reflecting the light beyond their hiding place.

“Merlin’s beard, Remus-“ James whispered, crouching down. “You’re a lot stronger than you look-“

“What are you doing?” Remus hissed back. He glanced over James’ shoulder and caught Sirius’ gaze briefly. “What are both of you doing down here—”

“You almost walked right into a prank we set up-“ James replied. “Didn’t think you’d fancy being caught in a mess.”

“Prank?” Remus’ asked, mystified.

“I found Sirius looking rather bleak, so I suggested we do something fun and—SHH—” James tried to cover Remus mouth again and Remus jerked back.

“Shut up shut up-“ Sirius tugged them both back as a new figure rounded the corner.

Severus Snape came into view. He was carrying something Remus couldn’t make out, and he was heading for the stairs.

“I knew it was him.” James said in a very low voice from somewhere behind Remus’ ear. “This is gonna be good-“

Remus was frozen as he watched Severus start up the stairs, whatever was in his hands squirmed and wriggled. Remus couldn’t peel his gaze away as he leaned in with James and Sirius to see Severus reaching the landing that led to the fat lady.

“Hurry—” James said, moving to follow up the stairs as quietly as possible, closely followed by Sirius. Remus thought it might be better not to trail along, but morbid curiosity was a powerful thing, and he found himself behind Sirius on the stairs.

They followed Severus to the Fat Lady’s portrait. He inched down past it, pulling out his wand he tapped a brick on the wall near the floor. It came out and he opened the sack, he started shoving something into the hole.

Remus smelled something sharp and acrid suddenly and he grabbed Sirius and James by the backs of their robes and pulled them into the archway of a storage room door. There was an amazing BANG, and putrid smoke billowed out of the hole and directly into Severus’ face, coating him in something thick and viscus. The smell was unbelievable and Remus fought the urge to gag. James had dissolved into a fit of giggles and Sirius stared in amazement as Severus jumped to his feet and ran down the hall, dripping foul goo in his wake.

“I can’t believe that worked!” James choked, wiping tears from his eyes.

“I can’t either-“ Sirius said. Remus was shocked to see him smiling. It wasn’t a kind smile. His eyes danced with malicious pleasure as he looked out of their hiding spot.

“What was in that hole?” Remus asked, his nose wrinkled in pained revulsion.

“Goo Shooting Dung Bombs.” James said proudly. “They do great for stopping saboteurs.”

“What was he sabotaging?” Remus was confused at why they would go to such lengths to cover Severus Snape in so much stinking goo.

“Follow me.” James said with great importance.

James walked out to where Severus had been crouched. He pulled out his wand and waved it at the bag, hovering it instead of touching it. “Look, don’t touch.”

Remus and Sirius, who had both crept forwards, peered into the bag. There were six rats squirming and writhing at the bottom. Remus could smell something else on them. Something bitter and unpleasant that cut through the dung bomb stink.

“Someone’s been getting rats in the girls’ bathrooms, rats covered in a rash inducing itching powder.” James grimaced. “And I just happened to catch Snape skulking around last night when I was coming back from detention with Slughorn.”

“You’ve already been given detention?” Remus made a pained face. “We’re barely—”

“Point is, now we know who is doing it. I came over and tapped on a bunch of the bricks and found the loose one, which leads up into the washroom. So we crammed it full of dung bombs.” James said proudly.

Remus looked between the proud, devious smiles James and Sirius were exchanging. This was entirely unprecedented, and probably not the best way to stop Severus from doing things that were wrong.

“Shouldn’t we report him?” Remus asked.

“Hah—you’re such a spoil sport.” Sirius rolled his eyes. Remus felt his cheeks flush. “Well, what is the point of catching him if you aren’t going to report him! What’s to stop him from doing it again?”

“That’s where the fun is.” James grinned. “More pranks.”

“That doesn’t seem like the best way to-“ Remus started, but Sirius stepped forward and gave him a hard shove.

“Oh just go upstairs, Lupin. We don’t need your help.” Sirius hissed. “Just like you to get into other peoples’ business.”

Remus stumbled back, and his foot hit a slippering pool of goo. Everything hung suspended as he lost his balance, his world tilting into slow motion. Gravity kicked in and he went down hard. His books went flying and he ended up flat in the puddle of stinking ooze. It coated his hair, his robes, his skin like oil and he gagged involuntarily as the smell overwhelmed him. James was staring at him in horror. Remus scrambled trying to get up but went down again on his knees, coating the front of his robes as well and he let out a growl of indignation.

He managed to peel himself off the floor and without stopping for the books that were likely ruined, he turned for the portrait. James called after him, but Remus ignored him, spitting the password at the Fat Lady and vanishing inside.

Remus spent three hours in the shower trying to get rid of the smell that clung to his skin, praying when he finished that he would be the only one still able to smell it. He then stomped directly to his bed and yanked the curtains around it. James poked his head in at one point and Remus methodically ignored him. He was so embarrassed, so horrified, that he couldn’t begin to wrap his head around how he was going to survive the rest of the school year in the same dorm as Sirius and James. Maybe he could ask to be moved.

Sirius would probably just use that as more of a reason to pick on him.

Saturday dawned after a very poor night’s sleep, and Remus peeled himself out of bed before, he hoped, anyone else was awake. He dressed silently and grabbed his bag. He needed to go to the library and find some spell that would get the smell out of the fabric. He couldn’t go to Lily, he didn’t want her to know that he had been there when Severus was slimed. Even if he was in the wrong for what he had been doing.

Remus arrived at the library and headed to the back table, setting down his bag. The stench curled off it and made Remus want to just dump everything out and burn it. Instead he flipped the bag open and reached in for his journal.

It wasn’t there.

Remus’ blood ran cold. He seized the bag and upended it on the table. A few rolls of parchment, his quill, and his inkwell. His journal was nowhere to be seen. He felt his heart hammering in his chest. It must have fallen out the night before. He wanted to scream. He sat down hard in a chair, staring at the bag and wracking his brain. Had he written anything in there that was suspicious? He usually was careful never to write about it, even in his own journals, just in case. It was fairly new. It had mostly been entries about school, classes, how he didn’t understand why Sirius didn’t like him and only talked to James. He felt his face set to burning.

If James and Sirius had found it, they would probably have read it, and then they would know everything he had been thinking. Sirius would think he was some weird worry, some intrusive creep. He twisted his fingers into his trousers, clenching the fabric.

“Remus?”

James’ voice made him jump, and he looked up. James slipped out from the behind the bookcases, his expression worried and to Remus’ surprise, shameful.

“Hey, uh—can we talk? Just for a minute?” He asked quietly.

Remus wanted to crawl under the table, wanted to vanish into the stacks of books and never be found. Instead he nodded very stiffly to James, who walked over and sat down. He winced at the smell coming from Remus’ bag and his expression of genuine suffering only grew.

“Look, I don’t know why Sirius did that last night, but I wanted to apologize.” James said quietly. “I just wanted to catch Snape. Things went too far, and you were right, we should have reported him to a teacher…but it just made me so mad, I wanted him to get a taste of his own medicine…but Sirius shouldn’t have pushed you.” The remorse coming from behind James’ glasses was deep and tragic. Remus crossed his arms over his chest, feeling small and stupid.

“Why do you care if I slipped?” Remus glanced up at him. “It’s not like me being mad about it matters.”

“Are you mad?” James asked, his tone edged with panic. “I mean, I would be. And you deserve to be—”

Remus was confused at the entire situation. James seemed honestly upset that Remus might be angry, and it made very little sense to Remus why James would even care. His confusion must have shown, because James shoved his fingers through his wild hair in frustration, looking as small and off-footed as Remus felt.

“Look, I’m really really sorry. I…I didn’t want last night to happen the way it did, I was hoping by including you like that we could all…could all be friends or something. And now I’m afraid I blew it.” He deflated. “I don’t want you to hate me. That’s the last thing I want.”

“You want to be friends?” Remus heard himself ask the question, felt his mouth moving, and he wanted to pull the words back, along with the insecurities they carried. Instead of James laughing at him though, or teasing him with some witty quip, James look very serious.

“Of course I do!” He said, his hands coming down on the table. “Why wouldn’t I?!”

“I just thought—I thought we didn’t have very much in common, that I was too weird and-“ Remus faltered as James smiled.

“Remus, just because we have different interests doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. We share a room together, we’re going to be going to school together for seven years, I don’t know about you, but I want to be friends. I want to get to know you and have fun together.”

Remus was dumbfounded. He stared at James, uncomprehending. He’d never understood other boys terribly well, and had understood them even less in starting school, but James was probably the biggest puzzle next to Sirius Black himself. His genuine curiosity, his giant glasses, and offers of friendship. Remus wasn’t sure about any of it. He even wondered if this was a good idea, or possibly a trap. One set by himself that would go off at some inevitable point down the road and tear his heart out.

“I…I’d like to be friends.” He said quietly. He was looking at his hands. “I’m not really good at…at being around other people. But I would like to be friends too.”

James stood up abruptly. “Awesome! That’s wicked—okay, well first things first, let me help you with the smell on your bag, that’s really awful. I have a reverse potion in the dormitory for backfire situations like these. Should take the stink right out.” He grinned, grabbing a roll of rogue parchment from where it had rolled onto the floor, offering it out to Remus, who took it with shaky fingers.

After that conversation, Remus found his world slowly changing. Mealtimes were spent arguing with Peter and James and attempting to educate them on the merits of decent books. Classes suddenly became much more interesting. He had James in one of his classes, and Lily in two. He only sat only in History of Magic and Charms. He, James and Peter walked together to dinner from Defense Against the Dark Arts, and Remus found he had more reason to study in the common room than in the library. Though sometimes the library was needed if he was ever going to get things done.

The only struggle was with Sirius Black. As September came to a close, Remus was no closer to understanding Sirius. His dark moods were unpredictable and explosive. Some days he would chat with James, but mostly he haunted the dormitory on his own, waiting for a chance to start a fight. James was good at distracting him, but the closeness seemed to make Sirius even more unpredictable.

The second week of October brought much colder weather. Decorations began to spring up in the castle for Halloween, and Remus watched in amazement as bats fluttered through corridors and ghosts hung various skeletal remains in all manner of odd places.

Remus was walking beside James on the way to their afternoon classes. “Are you sure you’re okay?” James pressed. “I mean, you were sick for what? Four days?”

“I’m fine.” Remus reassured him. “I told you, I get colds really easy, and Madame Pomfrey said I was okay to be moving around.”

James frowned but to Remus’ relief, he let it go and shook his head. “Well, I’m going to head to broom skills. I’ll see you before Defense Against the Dark Arts?” James asked.

“Sounds good—oh bugger. I forgot I need to go back to the dorms for my other inkwell.” Remus glanced at the clock in the hall.

“You’ve got time! Better hurry though! Flitwick likes you, but his detention is awful.” James made a face, and then he darted down the hall.

Remus back tracked to the staircases. He’d meant to stop on his way to lunch and completely forgotten. He was just coming up on the Fat Lady’s portrait when he glanced down the hall. The weak sunlight coming from the windows filled the empty space. At the very far end, someone was slumped against the wall. Remus frowned, but took a few steps forward.

The copper tinge of blood laced through Remus’ nose and he moved forward.

Sirius didn’t look up as Remus halted in front of him. He smelled of fear and blood and pain. Remus crouched down.

“Fuck off-“ Sirius snapped, but it lacked the normal venom.

“No.” Remus ground out. This caught Sirius’ attention and he looked up. He had blood oozing from a cut on his cheek, and from a split lip. A dark bruise was forming under the cut. “What happened?”

“It’s not your business.” Sirius growled, reaching out to push Remus away, but he winced. Remus caught his wrist in gentle fingers, holding Sirius back.

“I’m going to get a professor-“

“No!” Sirius’ pleading tone was etched with terror. “Don’t. Don’t do that, please.” He croaked.

“But somebody hurt you-“ Remus started, but Sirius interrupted.

“It was Bellatrix. My cousin. Please, if you get a teacher involved it will only make it worse.” Fear was replaced by determination in Sirius’ grey gaze and he yanked his hand back. “Go on, it’s not your business.”

Remus drug a breath in, trying to find his patience. This was the wrong week for patience. He couldn’t just leave Sirius here on the floor, bleeding.

“Just…fine, I won’t get help, but come with me. You’re bleeding and someone else is going to find you here.” Remus stood, sticking a hand out at Sirius. There was a long pause before Sirius accepted it and Remus pulled him up.

They walked in silence to the portrait, stepped inside the Common Room, and headed up the stairs to the dorm.

Once they were upstairs, Remus pointed to his bed. “Sit.” His voice left no room for the arguments he saw in Sirius’ face, but to his surprise Sirius sat.

Remus let his bag drop to the floor before he dug out a handful of alcohol wipes and a band-aid from his bedside table. He walked over to Sirius and ripped open one of the wipes, tugging it out. Sirius eyed him and Remus held the wipe up. “I’m just going to clean that cut.”

Sirius pressed his lips into a tight line, but let Remus approach. Remus started to mop up the blood.

“Ouch!” Sirius jerked back and Remus’ other hand came up, catching Sirius’ chin in a firm grasp. Sirius’ eyes widened in fear and Remus pulled back.

“Sorry-I didn’t want you to get the wipe in your eye.” Remus looked surprised. Sirius was looking at him like he was about to hit him.

“Oh-“ Sirius murmured quietly. “It just stings.”

“I bet it does. It’s a nasty cut.” Remus replied, feeling more awkward and clumsy than ever. He moved back in to dab at the cut, and then he pressed a bandage over it. “Won’t help with the bruise, but that’ll stay clean now.”

“Thanks.” Sirius muttered, not meeting Remus’ gaze. Remus turned to throw the wipe and wrappers in the rubbish bin.

Remus couldn’t stop the replay in his head of the wild fear in Sirius’ eyes when he’d lifted his hand. The flinch like he was expecting Remus to hit him. Maybe it was because of what had happened with the dung bombs? Maybe he thought Remus was waiting for a chance to get even?

“Hey.” Sirius’ voice brought Remus out of his musings, and he glanced up.

“Yeah?” Remus asked.

“I’m sorry. For…for the night when you fell. I…shouldn’t have pushed you.” He said quietly.

“That’s okay.” Remus replied, frozen to the spot on the floor in front of the bed. Sirius was picking at a spot on his trousers now.

“I just…you piss me off.” Sirius muttered. “With you asking if I’m okay and those looks like I’m broken or something. I can’t stand it. It’s infuriating. Something happens and you seem to just show up to see me in a bad spot.” Sirius pushed his bangs out of his eyes. His hair had gotten a bit shaggy since school had started. “I don’t need your help. I don’t need those sad looks and bugger all.”

Remus blinked. Slowly, he understood. He understood in a way he couldn’t even explain to Sirius. He knew what it was like to want to be strong and have everyone look at you like you might break. Like you needed to be protected when you wanted to prove how strong you could be. He knew what it felt like to want no one to know what was happening, to pretend like you were fine so everyone would stop trying to help.

He also knew though, that when he was in a place like that, he really did need the help. Because help and support didn’t mean weakness.

“I’m sorry if that’s how you feel.” Remus said quietly. He walked to the bed and sat beside Sirius. “I don’t mean to make you feel that way. I understand what it’s like to want to just do it on your own.” He looked at his hands. “Sometimes when things are hard and scary you just want everyone to leave you alone. I don’t mean to barge in on you, but…” He looked up at Sirius. “I’m never going to walk away from someone who needs help. I don’t know what it is your dealing with, but…but sometimes its okay to ask for help.”

Sirius’ shoulders were a tight line. His whole body was clenched up like was getting ready to take a hit. His grey eyes were fixed on Remus. Fixed on Remus’ eyes looking into his with such determination. Remus could feel the breath that Sirius was holding.

“Why do you care?” Sirius asked.

Remus paused, and then he smiled, remembering that first night before the sorting when he had held Sirius’ gaze and they had spoken as clear as day with no words at all.

“Because I want to know you.” Remus said softly, the smile melting into his words. “I want to understand.”

Sirius’ resolve fractured, cracked and split open. His lower lip puckered up and his eyes filled with tears that rolled with heavy sadness down his cheeks. A jerking gasp brought enough air into his lungs to produce a heartbreaking sob. He crumpled into Remus, who was so surprised he wasn’t entirely sure what to do. He’d hugged his mom when she cried sometimes, when she was worried for him, but this was entirely different. Sirius had seized his robes and was clinging to him like a lifeline. In all his eleven years Remus hadn’t ever been this close to another person his age.

Cautiously he put his arms around Sirius, he sat quietly as Sirius sobbed, and then when the sobs had run dry, they sat silently together while Sirius’ breathing came back to soft little inhales. He was heavy against Remus’ shoulder. Heavy with pain and struggles Remus didn’t understand.

“You okay?” Remus asked softly.

Sirius pulled back, mopping at his face and nose with his robe sleeve.

“I snotted on you.” Sirius hiccupped.

Remus glanced at his shoulder where a massive wet patch now stained his sleeve. He laughed. “Whoops. Well, better thank dung scented goo.”

“I am sorry about that.” Sirius muttered sheepishly. He glanced at Remus with red-rimmed eyes.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure there will be a chance for me to get you back.” Remus smirked, and he glanced at the clock on the wall. “Well, we missed Charms.”

Sirius jerked his head to the wall. “Oh hell.” He winced. “Thats the second time I’ve missed it. I’m toast.”

“Maybe we can walk there together from now on. Make sure we’re both on time?” Remus offered.

“Uh…y-yeah.” Sirius mumbled, and then an unpracticed, vulnerable smile came over Sirius’ face. “And detention, which we probably have got now.”

“Unless we go by pomfrey for an excuse. We’ll tell her you were whomped by a rogue broom.” Remus offered.

“Mmmm, nah. She’ll never go for that. Too smart. Think I could convince her I fell down the stairs?” He grimaced. “I should probably go by, huh?”

“I would. That cut is deep. She’s got some salves that’ll help.” Remus nodded. “I’ll go with if you like?”

“Uh…Yeah. That…I’d appreciate that.” Sirius mumbled. “I…I don’t want to run into Bellatrix again.”

“Sirius…do you mind if I ask why you two got into a fight?” Remus asked. Sirius sighed heavily.

“You really are nosy. Well, I guess you deserve to know since I snotted on you.” He reached for the door. “My getting into Gryffindor, well it’s ruined my life. And apparently dishonored my entire family. Bellatrix has made it her personal mission to punish me for it.” Sirius yanked the door open.

Remus frowned.

“Do you feel like getting sorted here ruined everything?” He asked.

“Not anymore.” Sirius said, and then headed down the stairs.

Remus watched Sirius go for one long moment, before pulling the door to the room shut behind him and following down the winding staircase.

Maybe things were going to be okay after all.

Chapter Text

Remus heaved a sigh heavier than the book he was pouring over. His entire body was one anxious, tightly wound spring. He was sure the slightest provocation would cause his spine to eject entirely from his body, leaving the earth and his spongey flesh behind as it sought a better world.

A world far away from potions class with Professor Slughorn.

“This is hopeless.” He said, the worry and fear that had slowly been building from his first potions lesson now singing a full-blown orchestra. “I’m going to fail. I’m going to fail a class during our first term and look completely useless.”

Remus and Lily had been perched in the library for the better part of the freezing Sunday afternoon. She had been so patient, so understanding as Remus asked the same question over and over with no real grasp or comprehension on what he was looking at. At nearly six in the evening now, the desk was strewn with attempts to recite and write the process for the exam they were to complete that following day.

“Remus, you’re going to be fine. You almost got it last time around-we might even be able to try it in a cauldron before bed…” Lily said, but Remus could see the repressed flinch in the line of her body tilted over her own books. The last time she had tried to help him with the actual potion brewing he had seared one of her eyebrows off, and they both had scorch marks on their cheeks for three days.

“Lily, I can barely remember what goes in, let alone in what order. I don’t understand why or how you need to mince eye of newt, or why you would want to mix newt eyeballs into anything-“ Remus dropped his face into his hands. “Do they expel people for being generally hopeless?”

“Oh Remus-“ He heard Lily laugh, felt her hand on his shoulder, and he glanced up at her. “Honestly, it isn’t going to be so bad. You are hardly, I am sure, the first student to struggle with potions.”

“But my dad is a botanist! He makes medicines and potions for a living! I’ve failed him.” Remus dropped his hands and let his head bang against the table as he slumped forwards.

“Oh my. I never knew you were quite so melodramatic.” Lily snickered, covering her grin with a hand.

Remus sighed and he sat up slowly. “Honestly, I think the best thing to do now is just try and get a decent night’s sleep.”

“I think, that is actually a very wise choice.” Lily nodded.

They both stood, packing away their quills, inkwells, and various books. Once they had done an acceptable job of cleaning up, they started their journey through the bookshelves to the front of the library.

It was fairly late, and the library had been pleasantly silent, so it surprised Remus when he heard whispering coming from the shelves ahead of them. The voices were lowered not to be polite, but to be discreet. Remus jerked his arm out, catching Lily in the chest. Before she could make a sound of protest, he put a finger to his lips and pointed in the direction of the voices.

The pair of them crept slowly down the isle of books until they were able to hear who was speaking on the other side of the shelves. Remus recognized one of the voices immediately. It was Bellatrix Black, Sirius’ cousin.

“I swear to Salazar himself, if you fuck this up it’ll be the last thing you ever do.” Bellatrix hissed. She sounded anxious. “And no matter what, you better not get caught.”

“You know I won’t get caught.” A young man’s voice replied. Remus didn’t know the voice. He breathed in deeply, trying to get a scent on either of them. Bellatrix always smelled sickly sweet. Something she put in her hair, he was assuming. To hide the scent of it being unwashed. The boy though, held the sour tang of the potions dungeon and old cigarette smoke. It was overall dirty and Remus’ nostrils flared.

“Tonight then. We’ll meet at the spot where I told you.” Bellatrix said.

There was a shuffle of feet, and Lily seized Remus by the arm, pulling him around another bookshelf and out of sight in case one of the pair decided to try and come back their direction. Once they were gone, Remus let out a breath, looking at Lily.

“What do you suppose that was about?” He asked, adjusting the strap of his bag.

“I don’t know, but it didn’t sound good. I wonder what she’s up to.” Lily muttered. “Knowing what I do about Bellatrix, it can’t be anything other than trouble.”

“Did you recognize the other voice?” Remus looked puzzled. “I feel like I’ve heard it before…” He couldn’t recall where. They had double defense against the dark arts and some older Slytherins were PAs in that class, maybe there?

“No…I didn’t.” Lily frowned but shifted her books in her arms. “We should get back to the common room though, it’s getting late.”

Remus nodded, and he followed Lily out of the library and back towards the tower.

It took Remus forever to fall asleep that night. He had a nagging sensation somewhere in the back of his mind that he was missing something important. That he needed to be alert. He kept trying to reassure himself that everything was fine. He was fine. There wasn’t any reason to be anxious. He finally drifted off to sleep somewhere around eleven.

He jolted awake suddenly to darkness. His pulse was racing, his senses keen and dangerously alert. It was late. Probably one in the morning or so. It took a wild moment in his over-alert night senses to understand what had woken him.

He could smell smoke.

Remus tore back the curtains on his bed, snatching his wand from his bedside table. “Lumos!” He hissed. In the light cast from his wand he launched himself at the bed closest to him. Sirius’. He yanked the curtains back and gave Sirius a nudge. “Sirius—Sirius wake up!”

“Huh—” Sirius rolled onto his side and peered up at Remus in the dark. “Whatsit?” He grumbled, and then he paused, his nostrils flaring. “Is that smoke?”

Sirius was out of bed as fast as Remus had been and was waking James up. Remus went to the door to their dorm, feeling the wood. It wasn’t hot. They were the closest to the common room, so the fire was either above or below them. He opened the door and smoke flooded in from the crack. Remus yelped as James, who was now up and wearing his glasses, ran to the windows, throwing them open. Remus opened the door farther and saw smoke billowing up from the common room. He felt panic rushing through him, burning in his veins as he took the stairs two at a time to the upper dorms. The closest Prefect was Fabian Prewett on the second floor, with the third and fourth years. Remus threw open the door to their Dormitory, coughing.

“The Common Room is on fire!” he yelped. Though it was hardly needed. When the door opened the smoke followed him in. Curtains were being pulled back in a flurry and Remus watched, as Fabian leaped from his bed. Gideon and Caradoc were also moving. Remus could hear doors above and below opening and the cries of panicked and fearful students.

Fabian caught Remus by the shoulders, pulling him into the room. Remus had never really had a chance to see Fabian Prewett up close. They rarely ran into each other, being so far apart in age, and generally not keeping similar schedules. Remus was aware of his thin, strong fingers on his shoulders, of the waves of light blond hair that were mused and tangled from sleep. He looked at Remus making sure that he was paying attention.

“Lupin right? Bring everyone on the second floor to the Seventh Year floor while we seal off the Common Room, okay?” He instructed, his voice was smooth and calm, and Remus found himself nodding. “Good lad. Gid, you ready?” He turned to Gideon Prewett, A tall, strong shouldered boy with a mess of short, blond curls.

“You bet.” Gideon nodded.

Remus turned and bolted down to the second floor, where the smoke was now thick and hot. He threw the door wide open. “We have to go up!” He called.

“On it!” James yelled back, though Remus couldn’t see him through the smoke. They ushered everyone up the stairs, Remus, Sirius, James and Peter bringing up the rear. All the other students were making their way up, moving apart for the Head Boy and other two Prefects to rush down towards the blazing common room.

“What do you think happened?” James coughed, looking at Sirius. Everyone was talking and a few of the students were crying.

“I don’t suppose it was the fireplace?” Remus looked between the other three in bewilderment.

“It shouldn’t have been. Those are enchanted to keep something like this from happening.” Sirius replied.

Downstairs they could hear things slamming, voices yelling. What sounded like McGonagall and Dumbledore now in the fray. The smoke thinned, and finally stopped. The door opened to the Common Room and moments later McGonagall was in front of them.

“Is anyone hurt?” Her voice was tense, and Remus was surprised to see her look so shaken. Her hair was down, falling over her shoulders. Her bedrobe was singed and stained with soot and smoke. She had a smudge of soot over her cheek and nose.

“I don’t think so.” Said a shaky voice. Kingsley Shacklebolt, a second year boy who could easily been mistaken for a fifth year.

“I want you to go to your rooms, Madame Pomfrey and I are going to make rounds, none of you are to go to the common room.” McGonagall said firmly, and then turned around, heading back down the stairs before anyone could ask questions.

Remus, Peter, James and Sirius returned to their room. James’ quick thinking with the window had helped keep the smoke from overtaking everything in the room. Remus sat down heavily on his bed, looking at the other boys. A dark thought was forming in his head that he didn’t know if he should voice.

“I don’t get it, how could something in the common room catch fire.” James sat on his bed. Sirius sat next to him, and Peter flopped on the floor.

“Maybe it was Snape.” Sirius tossed out, his eyes narrowing.

“I-“ Remus started, and felt his cheeks grow hot as all the eyes turned to him. “I uh…I’m not sure if this has anything to do with it…but Lily and I overheard something in the library today when we were headed back.” He looked at his fingers in his lap. “We overheard Bellatrix.”

“Bellatrix.” Sirius hissed. “What did she say?”

“She was talking to a boy.” Remus explained, not missing the dark tones of anger in Sirius’ voice, mingled with the storm clouds in his eyes. “They were talking about a meeting, she told the boy he better not mess something up. It sounded like they were planning something…”

“No way-“ James looked at Remus with wide eyes. “Do you think-“

“Think what?” a voice from the doorway made them all jump. Fabian Prewett was standing there, his tall, lean frame was propped against the archway, dark stains of soot marred his skin, hair and clothes. “Because if you lot have any idea who decided to bring the Gryffindor Quidditch brooms up here and light them on fire, we’d sure like to know.”

In the center of the common room was a massive scorch mark. The tables and furniture were all blacked and the leather had split, rolled and puckered to expose the stuffing inside. The tapestries on the wall were torched and left hanging in tatters.

Remus, James, Sirius and Peter took in the sight along with a few other students that had been brave enough to venture down the following morning. They had been given the okay to pass through the Common Room to leave the tower for classes, but McGonagall had said it would take a week for the repairs to be done.

“This is ridiculous.” Remus said, staring at the spot that had been the epicenter of the broom bonfire. “Why would someone do something so dangerous?”

“I heard it has something to do with this feud.” James waved a hand. “This ongoing thing between the Slytherin and Gryffindor Quidditch teams. It started a few years ago and has just gotten worse and worse.”

“Whoever did it will probably get kicked off the team.” Sirius snorted, hefting his bookbag up on his shoulder. He had progressively become less and less interested in how he presented himself. Today his tie was rumpled and barely knotted, untucked and vulnerable outside his sweater.

“Do you think Dumbledore was very mad?” Peter squeaked, his round blue eyes fixed on the scorch spot.

“Oh probably.” James shrugged.

“I wonder how they got the password to get into the tower.” Remus mused. Peter flinched. The other three turned to look at him. “Peter?”

“Well—Well I…I forgot my bag in the Great Hall Thursday. When I went back for it, someone had pulled everything out and stuffed it all back in. It didn’t look like anything was missing, but…” Peter hid his face in his hands. “I was having trouble remembering the password, I wrote it down, and when I came back to the common room I couldn’t find it anywhere.”

“Oh no.” James said quietly. “Peter, did you tell anyone.”

“No. I thought I must have just misplaced it.” He looked at James with terror. “What will I do?”

James looked thoughtfully at Peter, and then clapped an hand on his shoulder. “Well, what’s done is done. If it was you, they got the password from, it hardly makes any difference now. Though I’d best not write down anything like that on paper from now on.”

Remus was impressed with James, and Peter was looking at him with such adoration that it was a bit concerning.

“We should probably head down to breakfast.” Sirius said, “I don’t think we want to get caught lingering around the scene of the crime. Though…Remus, I do think you were onto something last night.”

Remus fell into step beside Sirius. “Really?”

“Yeah. That seems like just the sort of thing Bellatrix would do. She’s always been like that, getting way out of hand and doing things that make no sense.” Sirius shrugged.

“Maybe I should tell someone what we overheard.” Remus mumbled, his heart clenching as he thought about what might happen if Bellatrix found out he’d overheard her talking. Or worse yet, somehow thought Sirius had ratted her out.

“You know…” James butted between the two of them, throwing an arm over either of their shoulders. “I was thinking…we may not be able to rat her out…but I have the most fabulous idea…”

“Gentlemen. I require your utmost commitment in this devastating time.”

“James, is the candle really needed?”

“Hush up Remus, it’s for mood!” James frowned, the shadows cast on his face by the candle making him look quite ghoulish. The four of them were sitting in a circle in the darkness on the Dormitory floor. James was holding a candle that was in danger of dripping hot wax onto his pajama bottoms.

“Remus, let him finish.” Sirius said, his eyes fixed on James and the candle. Remus wondered if he was more invested in James’ speech, or the wax that was building on the candle holder.

“Thank you, Sirius.” James said haughtily. “As I was saying. Utmost commitment. Dedication. So on and so forth. Are you with me?”

“I’m with you!” Peter shot his hand in the air. “What are we doing?”

James cackled as he set the candle holder on the floor in the middle of their circle. “I propose on this night, the eve of Hallow’s eve, a plan. A plot. A ploy.”

“James, why not just say Halloween eve?” Remus countered.

“Remus.” James gave him a solid, unwavering look. “Honestly.”

“Right right. Sorry. Go on. What is this ploy.” Remus held his hands up in defense.

“Thank you.” James said yet again. “So, as you know, a great injustice has been trespassed on our most noble house!”

“I’m not sure trespassed it the word you want there, mate.” Sirius said, earning a most impatient look from James. “But it works great. I like it.”

“-A most evil and terrible deed! And I say, we must plan our revenge, for tomorrow we fight!” James thrust his hand in the air, branding an invisible sword. Remus gave him a look of genuine worry.

“Revenge?” He asked.

“Revenge!” James cheered. “Because I have had the most ingenious idea. It was inspired by you, Remus. That Cauldron you blew sky high Monday was amazing.”

“Unnngggg, I thought you swore not to ever speak of that again. I failed that test so badly.” Remus pressed his hands to his face.

“I dunno. The smell was absolutely incredible.” Sirius encouraged. He was looking at James with a deviousness that was probably illegal in some countries.

“So, my thought, is….you know how there are pumpkins all over the castle right now?” James was practically bouncing now.

“Yeah?” Peter seemed confused as to what pumpkins had to do with Remus failing potions.

“So, what we do, is we rig those pumpkins that are anywhere neat Bellatrix or the Slytherin Quidditch players. We rig them….to explode.” James exposed his master plan.

“Brilliant.” Sirius breathed.

“How will we do it?” Peter asked.

“Why would we do that?” Remus cringed. “Don’t you think that will just make things worse?”

“Remus. Think about it like this. We are the masters. No one expects us, no one thinks a few first years could become prank masters. All we have to do is charm timers on the exploding dung bombs! I tried it on a few small ones after I was done with Broom Skills today.” James grinned. “Messy, smelly pumpkin glop everywhere. It’s brilliant.”

“It sounds brilliant.” Sirius was rapturous with the possibilities that James was extending. Remus frowned deeply. He knew he was going to lose this argument. That no matter what well meaning advice he gave, this was going to be put into motion with or without him.

And if he was honest, he really did want to see a pumpkin explode. Just a little bit.

“Alright.” Remus sighed. “What do we need to do.”

“Yes!” James pumped the air with his fist. “I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist. Alright, so everyone’s in.”

“Definitely!” Peter nodded.

“Are you kidding?” Sirius elbowed James. “I was in before you tried to set you arse on fire with a candle.”

“It’s about ambiance, Black!” James retorted, and then grinned. “I am a master of mood setting.”

“Uh-huh. Keep telling yourself that Potter.” Sirius smirked, but there was a flash of playful joy sparking in his eyes.

“Alright, James. You’re the leader, tell us what you have in mind.” Remus snorted.

Remus’ first Halloween at Hogwarts found him standing as discreetly as possible by the doors to the great hall. It was impossibly early, and Sirius beside him smothered a massive yawn. In their pockets were the start of the days needed dose of ooze filled dung bombs. Sirius glanced in either direction, and then nodded.

“Alright, lets get in and out as quickly as possible. We’ll drop ‘em into the Jack O’Lanterns on the Slytherin table.”

“Won’t the explosion get the Ravenclaw table?” Remus mused as Sirius yanked the large door to the great hall open.

“Collateral damage, I’m afraid.” Sirius shrugged.

They hurried into the empty hall, running down the length of the breakfast table. They delivered their sleeping payload of dung bombs and hurried back out of the hall and toward where they would meet with James and Peter, who were rigging all the Jack O’Lanterns that sat outside the Slytherin Dormitory.

Sirius pulled Remus up short at the delegated potions storage closet. They were both silent a moment as they caught their breath.

“So, we’ll set the ones off at breakfast first?” Remus asked.

“Yep, then the ones in the Defense Against the Dark Arts room. And then they ones in the hallways when they are leaving the charms classroom.” Sirius nodded.

“And then the ones in the entry to their dorms.” Remus added.

“Bingo.” Sirius cackled. “I can’t wait to see Bellatrix’s head explode.”

“Hopefully not at us.” Remus added. Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Don’t be such a wet blanket. I swear, you are so reserved sometimes, it’s no fun.” Sirius sighed.

“I am not a wet blanket.” Remus frowned. “I know how to have fun.”

“Uh-huh. You only went with all of this because you didn’t want to be the one person who said no.” Sirius countered, his tone growing more argumentative.

“That’s not it…” Remus murmured, his face heating.

They were interrupted by James and Peter rounding the corner wearing matching grins.

“All set. Now we sit back and watch the fruits of our labors!” James declared. He threw an arm around Sirius’ shoulders. “Well, we’d best not be late for breakfast gents.”

Remus was still struggling with his emotional injuries when they settled in at the breakfast table. Sirius’ voice rang around in his head like the shockwaves of sound after striking a gong. Wet blanket. Wet blanket. Wet blanket. He sat down beside James stiffly, not making eye contact with Sirius.

Maybe there were things he was more cautious about. Maybe he was more careful than some boys his age, but it wasn’t intentional. It was necessary. Being careful maintained a balance. It kept his precarious life in some semblance of understandable. Carefully measured doses of what he needed and didn’t want to need balanced out in his daily routine of survival.

“Here we go.” James purred, making Remus look up from his empty plate. He caught a curious look being directed at him from Sirius, but he jerked his gaze toward the Slytherin table instead. It was nearly full now, and Bellatrix had just sat down.

“Alright, you ready?” Sirius leaned a little closer. Remus watched James very discreetly pull his wand out under the table. He muttered the spell, gave the wand a twitch, and there was a crippling moment of silence.

And then a thunderous explosion.

Thirty-six oozing Dung Bombs exploded in a squelching accompaniment of pumpkins being dismembered. Ooze and pumpkin slopped the entirety of the Slytherin table and its occupants, as well as not just the Ravenclaw table, but all the way to the Gryffindor table. The smell that hit a moment later had the entire hall coughing and gagging as they scrambled to their feet and rushed for the exits.

The four boys were hot on the tails of everyone else, Remus with his hand clamped over his mouth and nose in a desperate attempt to keep the smell out.

“Okay—I think we overdid it-“ James croaked once they were a safe distance away. “But man, that was brilliant.”

“That was bloody amazing!” Sirius gave James’ a playful sock to the arm.

James laughed. “Oh, it’s only the beginning.”

Remus was beginning to think that James was made of something entirely dangerous, and that Sirius was a catalyst to the crazy.

What followed was probably the most terrifying six hours of Remus’ time at Hogwarts. By the time the third round of dung bombs went off, every student was developing a twitch, looking at all pumpkins as if they were destined to combust and spray foul ooze all over any innocent bystander. To Sirius’ absolute delight, every explosion seemed to nail Bellatrix. She had gotten so angry at the third explosion that she had pulled her wand out and started blasting pumpkins every which way down the corridor.

By the time the four of them had sat down at the freshly scrubbed table for the Halloween feast, James and Sirius had become attached at the hip, their heads bent together as they discussed ways to reenact the genius of the day at future dates. Peter kept trying to edge in.

“Next time, we could put those little worms into the pumpkins, get worms in everyone’s hair-“ Sirius was saying as James stabbed a carrot with his fork, nodding.

“Yeah, and we could do something with those micro fireworks, the ones that wizz up really high. Boom!” James waved a hand and the carrot dislodged from his fork and bounced off Peter’s forehead.

“Hey!” Peter protested, rubbing his face tenderly.

“Sorry, Peter!” James laughed. “Carrots are dangerous.”

Remus glanced up at the Slytherin table and felt his skin crawl. Bellatrix was watching them. Her eyes were narrowed and mean as they met Remus’. He tried to feign a curious look at her before turning his head back to the table.

“We might need to talk about this later, we are being watched.” Remus hissed to Sirius and James. They both looked at Remus curiously. Remus made a discreet gesture towards Bellatrix with his spoon.

“Oh cool your knickers, Lupin.” Sirius snorted. “It’s not like anything is going to happen. She wouldn’t do it in front of anyone.”

“That’s what I’m worried about.” Remus muttered.

“Relax, Remus. They’ll never know it was us.” James grinned and stuffed another handful of candy into the pocket of his robes. Peter nodded in agreement with James.

Remus glanced at Bellatrix again. Her gaze had shifted now, fixed on someone farther down the Gryffindor table. He glanced down and saw the object of her attention. Fabian Prewett. He frowned, still feeling uneasy.

“C’mon Remus. If you don’t snag any candy, it’ll all be gone.” James grinned, trying to hand Remus a lollipop. Remus looked a James.

“You underestimate me.” He said cooly.

“What?” James blinked. Sirius looked at Remus, attention piqued.

Remus pulled open his robe to expose the pockets. “You didn’t notice the distinct lack of chocolate bars in either of those bowls, did you.” Remus smirked, his gold eyes now holding as much mischief as Sirius or James’.

They both paused, and then Sirius tipped one of the bowls to look at the contents. “How the hell…”

Remus cackled. “Chocolate.” He hummed, picking his fork back up. “It really is the best thing there is.”

Sirius continued to stare at Remus, awestruck.

“How’d you do it?”

“If I told you, you’d know my secrets.”

“Oh C’mon Lupin, just tell me.”

“Absolutely not.”

Remus was sorting his spoils into piles on his bed, admiring the fine collection of decadent sweets he would stache and dole out for weeks to come. Sirius reached out for one and Remus gave his hand a firm swat.

“Back. Back you nosy chocolate thief.” Remus shook his hands at Sirius, who frowned sharply, yanking his hands back.

“Hey, you can’t not share with me, you took all the chocolate!” Sirius whined. Remus arched an eyebrow.

“You called me a wet blanket. Why should I share with you?” He said smartly. To his surprise, Sirius had the decency to look bashful.

“Well, I think you aren’t as much now.” He muttered.

“Because I duped you and took all the chocolate?” Remus snorted. “Sorry, not good enough to earn any of my horde.”

“Oh c’mon Remus!” Sirius threw himself on Remus’ bed, nearly shooting all the chocolate into the ceiling.

“Oi! Don’t do that!” Remus pushed at Sirius’ bony shoulder. “Off—Off you, before I am forced to—to“ Remus faltered.

“To what?” Sirius tilted his smirking face in Remus’ direction. “What’ll you do?”

“I’ll….I’ll—I’ll steal all your ties.” Remus finished lamely. Sirius feigned terror.

“Oh! Oh no! What will I do if you take me ties!” Sirius sat up and let out a bark of laughter that Remus wasn’t expecting. He went still, watching the giggles roll up Sirius’ person. His cheeks had colored, and he snorted with laughter. “You’re going to have to do better than that--…why are you staring?”

“Huh?” Remus blinked, and then looked away. “Sorry…I’ve just…never really heard you laugh before.”

There was a silence that caused Remus to look again at Sirius. He looked confused.

“You haven’t?” He asked at last. “I guess I don’t much.”

“Well, I think you should do it more.” Remus said at last. He selected a honeyduke’s bar of dark chocolate and handed it to Sirius. “So, I guess your ties are all mine.”

“I guess so.” Sirius smiled, holding the chocolate bar in his fingers carefully. “Thanks.” He whispered.

“You’re welcome.”

Chapter Text

Remus had spent the whole first term at Hogwarts secretly looking forward to going home for the holidays. He sometimes laid in bed and thought about his own room, his own bookshelves and his own space. He thought about the quiet of home, of not hearing James snoring or Peter talking in his sleep.

He missed his parents, and he missed his sister. He missed the routine that he had kept most of his short life.

However, it surprised him greatly that when he arrived for winter hols, instead of feeling relief and joy at being home, he felt entirely lost and quite lonely without the company of James, Sirius and Peter. His bedroom was too quiet, the house felt small and suddenly cramped.

When they returned to school the second week of January, Remus was ecstatic.

All wasn’t peaceful, however. Upon their return, Sirius was in one of the blackest moods Remus had ever seen him in. It wasn’t like at the start of the year, all aloof attitude and pompous importance. Instead he was like a wildfire, unpredictable and violent. In the span of the first five days back, he’d ended up in three fist fights and with a week’s worth of detention with McGonagall herself.

Remus had attempted to give Sirius his space, not knowing how or what to do to ease the anger and not wanting to provoke it. Finally, though he was left with little choice.

He and Sirius had been paired for a Charms assignment. They had been sitting at one of the Gryffindor tables for some time, reading their textbooks. Or, Remus was at any rate. Sirius seemed to keep slowly spacing out in the general direction of the windows.

“Sirius, are you alright?” Remus finally ventured, setting his quill down. Most all the other students had either wandered up to their rooms or were still out in the library or in various other parts of the castle, giving them a relative level of privacy.

“What?” Sirius blinked, and then turned his head to focus his gaze on Remus. “M’fine. Why?”

“Well…besides hitting half the Slytherin first years? You keep staring off-“ Remus made a vague gesture with his hand. “You haven’t even started the essay.”

Sirius looked down at his blank parchment and sighed heavily. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I’m sure, but…maybe talking will help?” Remus offered. His mum had always said something like that to him when he was in a darker head-space. Especially on the bad days. He wasn’t sure Sirius would appreciate it though.

“I just-“ Sirius started, his shoulders tensing. Remus expected an outburst, to be told it wasn’t any of his business. Instead Sirius deflated. “I don’t know what to do. It’s not my fault I was sorted into a different house. I don’t get why it’s such a big deal.”

“A big deal to who?” Remus asked.

“My parents.” Sirius breathed a long, weary sigh. “It was just…the whole time I was home. It was bad. They acted like I didn’t exist.” Sirius propped his elbows on the table so he could hide his face in his hands. “I knew they weren’t happy. I got one letter last term from my mum. She was so mad. I just don’t get it. I brought home good grades, but she was still so angry.” Sirius looked up at Remus. “What….what are you parents like?”

“Um.” Remus wasn’t sure if it was a good time to discuss his home life with Sirius. Besides being a terribly private boy, he was sure his situation was very different. “I mean, it’s good.”

Sirius fixed Remus with a searching look and Remus quailed in the desperation radiating off him. He bit his lip hard, and then looked out the window before continuing.

“My parents are wonderful. A bit odd, but very kind. My mum, she’s not magical. My dad says she has a different kind of magic. She just understands things. He says it’s a special gift that lets her be more in tune with things around her. My dad, he’s very quiet. He loves nature and my mum and my sister and they just sort of go with things. My parents met while my mum was doing a conservation effort in the same place my dad was studying Marigolds for their medicine. My mum and I read a lot. Sometimes we take turns reading to my sister. She’s little still.” Remus glanced at Sirius, who was watching him with a curiosity Remus had never seen before. Almost a longing.

“My dad and I listen to a lot of music. He has this portable turntable that we set up in the living room sometimes and he’ll pull out his records.” Remus smiled sheepishly. “I love it.”

“They sound amazing. You said you were homeschooled?” Sirius arched an eyebrow. “Why is that?”

Remus felt anxiety creep up inside him and he stared at his hands. “Uh—well. You know, I get sick really easy. When I was little it was hard for me to go to public school. They didn’t like me being gone so much.”

“Sick like how you get sometimes now?” Sirius asked. “Why do you get sick?”

“W-weak immune system. It was worse when I was little.” Remus tried to soothe himself with the knowledge that it wasn’t totally a lie. “So instead of dealing with schools, my mum just taught me at home. She was homeschooled growing up too, so she’s pretty good at it.”

“I was homeschooled too.” Sirius said quietly. “But not like that. Not by my mum. I had tutors. Tutors for everything. My little brother has them now.”

“So like teachers that come to you?” Remus asked.

“Exactly like that, except that since there is only you, they just hover constantly.” Sirius shuddered. “My mum would sometimes watch, to see if I was behaving. My dad isn’t home much. When he isn’t it’s better anyway. He gets mad a lot.”

“Why does he get mad?” Remus asked, confused. He tried to imagine being happy his dad was gone, and it left him feeling empty.

“He’s always mad. He gets mad about if we don’t do enough studying, if we dress wrong, if our hair is too long or things are too messy.” Sirius sighed. “I’d like to meet them someday. Your parents.”

“I’d like that too…is it okay if I don’t want to meet yours?” Remus asked quietly. Sirius let out a bark of laughter.

“Hah—I’d be worried if you wanted to honestly.” Sirius gave him a sort of sad smile. “Thanks for listening.”

“I don’t mind hearing it. If you ever need to talk, just tell me. It causes a lot less detention than punching people.” Remus smiled shyly back.

“Well, I should probably do my half of this project. Otherwise I’ll look like a dolt next to you and your flawless charms ability.” Sirius chuckled.

“My charms aren’t flawless!” Remus pointed the feather end of his quill at Sirius. “Honestly.”

Sirius just rolled his eyes.

“I can’t believe you get to spend time with Fabian Prewett.” James moaned and threw himself onto his bed, staring at Remus with giant, envious eyeballs.

“I can. I saw my grade in potions last term. I had to look at it on actual paper.” Remus replied tartly. “And it isn’t spending time with, it’s tutoring. Which I desperately need.”

“Can’t I come?” James pleaded. “I won’t speak. I won’t interrupt. I’ll just watch.” He slurped off the bed, shuffling toward Remus on his knees and holding up his clasped hands like a beggar.

“No. Because you will speak and you will interrupt and then the whole session will be you trying to pry every secret about Dung Bombs under the sun out of him.” Remus shooed James and snatched his bookbag off the chair in the corner.

Remus had failed potions so extraordinarily that Slughorn had sent a letter home to Remus’ parents, where his bewildered father had written asking for a tutor. Fabian Prewett had offered his time up on Tuesday and Thursday evenings to work with Remus. James had instantly melted with insurmountable jealousy. Remus would have happily traded places with James perfect score and let him have the tutoring, but sadly the world didn’t work like that.

“Traitor!” James flung a sock at Remus with half-hearted intent.

“I know. Truly evil, that’s what I am. I’ll be back later, try not to cover anything in goo while I’m gone.” Remus opened the door and vanished through it.

Fabian had asked to meet him in the Herbology greenhouse at five, which had surprised Remus. He wasn’t sure why they would be doing potions tutoring so far away from the dungeons.

Remus sped through the halls, avoiding the throngs of students headed back to their Common Rooms, and then slipped out the doors to the courtyard.

The snow had been continuous since just before Christmas. Everything was coated in a thick layer of white and ice. Remus walked carefully over the slick stones of the path that led to the greenhouses. As he headed down the hill, the four large, domed buildings came into view.

Remus paused, feeling his heart speed up. He was so nervous. What if he blew something up? What if Fabian didn’t like him, or he regretted agreeing to teach him? He swallowed hard, trying to ease the panic that was crawling up his throat. Even if it went terribly wrong, he needed to do this. He wasn’t going to let fear cause him to fail.

Remus marched down the hill to Greenhouse Three, and he reached out, giving the door handle a yank. The door opened and warm, earthy air hit him in the face. The greenhouse always smelled like home. Damp earth, humidity and plants. He stepped inside and shut the door.

“Hullo?” He called out, glancing around the various tall plants and potting bins. He hugged his bag against his chest.

“Remus?” Fabian sweet tenor came from somewhere farther back. A moment later, he emerged from behind a large sunflower that had six heads on one stem. “Ah good, I’m glad you made it!”

Remus stared at Fabian. He was smudged with dirt. His buttery, golden curls were yanked up into a ponytail. He wore garden gloves that were caked with soil. Remus blinked slowly.

“Should we head to the potions room?” He asked, feeling very dumb and small.

“Not at all.” Fabian grinned, stripping off his gloves. “I have a set up in the back. Professor Sprout gave me a space when I became her PA this term.” He beamed. His nose had just the slightest dash of freckles over the bridge. “Much cheerier than the dungeons, don’t you think?”

“Y-yeah.” Remus nodded. His heart was pounding again, and he felt himself just staring. Fabian gave him a gentle look.

“Oh, come now, you don’t have to look so frightened. I don’t bite…much.” His smile twisted into something sly and fox-like. Remus gave a small, nervous grin in return. “Alright then, follow me.”

Remus was led to the back of the greenhouse where there was a table, a large cupboard, and the various needed equipment for potion brewing. It looked like his dad’s workspace in the shop behind their house.

“I like this.” Remus said quietly. “It’s nice.”

“Why thank you! I want to be a healer when I graduate.” Fabian said proudly.

“My dad’s a healer. He’s really good at potions and herbology.” Remus smiled. “I’m better at…well…reading really. I like to read.”

“Aww, you’re probably just fine at potions. The trick is to relax. The more you overthink what you’re doing, the more likely you’ll singe off your eyebrows.” Fabian winked. “So, lets start with a simple one today, how about a featherweight brew?”

Remus flinched. The first time he’d tried to do this concoction he had accidentally created some putrid green atrocity that had done nothing more than melt through anything it touched.

“Breathe, Lupin. It’s going to be fine.” Fabian put a hand on Remus’ shoulder, exuding calm confidence. “Now set that bag down and I’ll show you how much fun this can be.”

Fabian was right, in the greenhouse with it’s calm light and warm smells, Remus was far more relaxed. Together they chopped, minced and measured. Fabian was an excellent teacher. He corrected Remus without making him feel like a total bumble, showing him techniques to better prepare roots and mash leaves. They were so lost in making the potion that Remus almost missed the sound outside the greenhouse.

The hair on the back of his neck stood up and his head whirled around. Fabian too, had paused in his talking, his eyes narrowing at the door. He caught Remus by the arm and pointed to a dark spot near the back corner. Remus was confused as to why Fabian wanted him to hide, they had permission to be in the greenhouse, but Fabian gave him an urgent, firm look. Remus obeyed without vocalizing the question.

Remus watched Fabian himself melt into the foliage of the greenhouse. His lean body was graceful and silent as he stepped up to watch the door.

It opened and closed. Remus squinted around the various crates that were in front of him. He could smell her before he saw her. Bellatrix.

Remus peered through the gaps in the crates, following Bellatrix as she made her way into the greenhouse. She headed to a series of plants against the far wall that Remus had seen on his way in. They’d had a sign that read ‘Do not touch or use these herbs.’ Bellatrix had made a beeline for them.

She reached out, her fingers extending for the leaves, and suddenly Fabian was behind her, catching her wrist. Bellatrix let out a hostile hiss and jerked her head back to look at Fabian. She tried to yank her hand free of his grasp, but he held firmly.

“How can I help you this evening, Bellatrix?” Fabian’s voice was cool and measured.

“Do you always just spend all your time in the mud, Prewett?” Bellatrix sneered. “Mind your own business.”

“I can’t let you take those.” Fabian replied evenly. “Don’t you think I know what you’re up to?”

There was a long pause, and then a cruel laugh. “Don’t you think you’d best keep your nose out of it? Or do I need to remind you of a little situation concerning you and the whole school?”

“I’d rather the whole school know, than let you take a leaf of that.” Fabian’s voice had hardened to what Remus was sure was his version of anger.

Fabian had a secret? A secret Bellatrix knew. Something that the whole school would possibly loose it if they heard. Remus felt the cold fingers of fear against the back of his neck. He knew what that was like, but there was no way that Fabian was like him, right? There was no way there were two in the school. Dumbledore surely would have told him. They would have somehow bumped into each other.

“Listen here Prewett. You’d best be careful what you wish for. You have three more years to get through here. Do you really think it’s wise to paint a target on your back just to play hero where no one can see?” Bellatrix replied. She was still attempting to extract her hand from Fabian’s grip.

“I don’t care what you do, or how you try to blackmail me. The only potion I know you would make with Nightshade berries it completely over the line. You’re going to get someone killed in this petty feud.” Fabian’s voice was ice. “Is that how you want to be remembered? The woman so wreckless, so thoughtless, she was willing to kill to impress Quidditch scouts?”

“You know nothing! You just stay out of this you massive queer and let go. I don’t need you staining me with your disease!”

Fabian retracted his hands at the words as if he had been burned. Remus was painfully confused. He didn’t understand what it was that Bellatrix had said, but it obviously had genuinely hurt Fabian. He looked at Fabian, expecting him to get angry, but instead a sad, resigned expression came over him.

“I will not let you take anything from this greenhouse.” Fabian said firmly. “Do what you will with that, but I won’t. If you come back here, I’ll know. And I will be informing Professor Sprout that I found you here. I’m serious Bellatrix. Someone’s going to get hurt. Bow out before you ruin your own life. Playing dirty has never won a war.”

“You’re a bloody fool, Prewett. You’ll regret getting involved.” Bellatrix growled. She then spun around and stormed from the greenhouse, slamming the door behind her.

Silence stretched over the greenhouse, and finally Fabian sighed and sank down right where he was standing to sit hard on the earthen floor. Remus crept out from behind the crates, shuffling over to Fabian and sitting next to him.

“What was she going to do with the nightshade plant?” Remus asked quietly. He was no stranger to the properties of the berries. His father had warned him more than once of how dangerous nightshade was.

“Bellatrix is very afraid that if Slytherin doesn’t win the final match against Gryffindor, she won’t be scouted for a team. That’s not how scouting works, and I think somewhere she knows that, but in her mind the only solution is to make sure Gryffindor can’t win.” Fabian said in soft explanation. He had reached up and pulled the tie from his hair and was now combing his fingers through it.

Remus felt strangely angry at the look that was on Fabian’s face. His eyes were red-rimmed and over-bright with unshed tears and he looked painfully embarrassed and ashamed. Remus wanted to do something to help, he wanted to yell at Bellatrix, he wanted to do Something.

“Remus, sometimes people will do things that hurt you, and it’s important to understand that they aren’t in a place in their own heads to be kind. It will hurt, but you should never let that hurt rule you.” Fabian said quietly.

“What she said…I don’t understand.” Remus tried to see what he wasn’t in the words Bellatrix had spoken. He replayed the moment when Fabian had pulled away. The insult was there, but he didn’t understand what the words meant. “She…she called you odd?”

Fabian smiled then. It was heartbroken, tired and tears rolled down his cheeks as he regarded Remus with a look of gentle fondness.

“I suppose you are probably far to young to understand. Or maybe it’s just not something in your vocabulary. What she called me, Remus, is a nothing bad as a word, but in it’s intent.” Fabian took a deep breath. “I…”

Remus watched Fabian’s face, watched the tears that were escaping down his cheeks, the vulnerability that was so raw and exposed to the world that was Remus and the greenhouse.

“You don’t have to tell me…” Remus said quietly. “I know what it’s like to be different.”

Fabian looked a bit surprised. “You do?” He asked.

“Yeah.” Remus looked down. “I…I get it. I just don’t understand what’s so odd about you. You seem perfectly normal to me.”

Fabian laughed then. He rubbed at his eyes with his sleeves and the laughing mingled with little hysterical sobs and Remus was terrified he’d broken him.

“Oh Remus, the word as she used it wasn’t meant as such. She called me queer because Bellatrix is among exactly three people in the entire school, who know that I am gay.” Fabian said.

Remus blinked slowly. Gay. Homosexual? He nodded, absorbing the information. He didn’t know much about it, being gay. It meant liking people of the same gender, but his Aunt had a female spouse and his mother had always said that there is nothing wrong about love. That in a world where things are so turbulent, healthy love was never something to shame.

“Why is that bad?” Remus asked at length. “Why does it matter if you like boys?”

Fabian stared at Remus, as if his blatant acceptance was so astonishing, he couldn’t process it. “Well. Um, that is probably the very best thing anyone has said to me.” Fabian fumbled with his hands in his lap. “You see, in the old wizarding families, being gay isn’t very acceptable. When I was a first year, a gay boy came out and was bullied so terribly his parents pulled him from school. I’m from one of those old wizarding families.” Fabian sighed. “My brother knows, and now you. And Bellatrix. She found out when she found a journal I’d dropped accidentally in third year. She’s been trying to blackmail me ever since.”

“Why would she do that?” Remus asked.

“Because my brother, Gideon, is on the Quidditch team. And our friend Caradoc. I’ve intervened more than once as a prefect when she has gotten out of hand and she has tried to keep me from exposing her with that blackmail. Now it’s gone too far.” Fabian rested his cheek on his palm. “You’re a good one, Lupin.”

“Thank you?” Remus said quietly. He honestly felt overwhelmed. He suddenly wanted to ask a hundred questions. How did Fabian know he was gay? What did it feel like? Was it like how he felt the moon pull at him, or the weird instincts that seemed grafted into his own existence? Did Fabian just wake up one day knowing? Remus instead kept quiet.

“Well, I think that we’d best call it a night. I’m sorry for the interruption. I’ll need to tell Professor Sprout someone was in here.” Fabian stood, and Remus followed him.

“You won’t say it was Bellatrix?” Remus asked.

“Honestly, I’m not sure.” Fabian whispered. “Because, I am terribly scared of her, and what would happen if she told the school. She didn’t get ahold of any of the nightshade, we’ll set up a surveillance spell tonight. If she comes back, Sprout will catch her.”

“Why won’t you tell me what makes you so sick?”

“Sirius, we need to get to class.”

Remus was walking beside Sirius on the way to Charms. It was their final class of the day second term. Sirius had been pushing him since Remus had come back from his absence the previous day. This had been a particularly bad bought, and even after the stay in the hospital wing he looked peaky and weak. His body ached and his muscles strained against the exertion of his class work.

“No—You can’t expect me to just take that and leave it!” Sirius retorted. He had a furious storm cloud brewing in his body language. Fists clenching and unclenching, lips pressed so thin they were almost white. His eyebrows were furrowed under his shaggy fringe.

Remus tried to keep walking, but Sirius grabbed him by the arm, pulling him aside into a corridor that held few people in the distance. “Look, don’t you trust me?”

Remus felt the world spin dangerously. Did he trust Sirius? He did, but like how he trusted everyone that wasn’t his parents. Cautiously. He trusted that they would put up with him so long as they didn’t know. So long as the monster in the shadows remained a secret. He trusted that they would like him so long as no one knew the truth.

“Sirius…it’s not like that.” Remus whispered. Sirius’ face twisted with hurt and rage.

“It’s not like what? You don’t trust me, do you?” he hissed. “After all that bloody sod all about talking about things and being friends, you can’t even talk to me?”

“Sirius, it’s not—I don’t…” Remus quailed helplessly under the impending rage that was filling Sirius’ person. The agony of The Secret weighed heavier than ever in his life in that moment. He wanted to just scream it. Expose the darkest, most horrid parts of the world if it meant that the hurt in Sirius’ eyes would fade.

“It’s because of what I told you isn’t it? Because of the bloody crap I come from? Not worth trusting a Black huh?” Sirius snapped. Remus’ heart broke.

“Sirius—Sirius that isn’t it at all!” Remus tried to reach out, but Sirius smacked his hand away.

“Save it, Lupin.” Sirius said coldly. “I don’t need your pity.”

Sirius turned then and stormed down the hall. Remus watched him go. He stood there until the bells rung, and then he slid down the wall, burying his face into his arms. He never thought he would find a new way to feel such grief and agony at his curse, but he had. Lying to Sirius was probably worse than any full moon.

“Remus?”

Remus didn’t look up as his name was called. A shadow fell over him, and then a gentle hand on his arm. Remus sniffed and lifted his wet face from its shelter.

McGonagall was kneeling before him. Her hat was gone from her head, and her normally stern expression was now soft and kind behind her spectacles. Remus hiccuped a sob.

“Why can’t I just be like everyone else, Professor?” He choked.

McGonagall pulled him into a hug, and he hid there against her shoulder. She smelled warm, like lavender and incense, which he hadn’t expected. She held him until he stopped shaking, until he could somehow breath around the pain in his chest radiating from his heart.

“Remus, just because you are different, doesn’t mean you are less.” She said softly.

“But…but I lie to them…I have to lie and it…it hurts people.” Remus looked at McGonagall.

“One day you may find that there are people you will trust, who you will know, who can hear what you go through and see who you are without prejudice.” McGonagall said, and she helped Remus to his feet. “Learning that trust may take some time.”

“But…Sirius…” Remus faltered.

“I think Sirius probably knows more about feeling on the outside of things that anyone else you know.” She winked. “As he is just as different in his own struggles as you are in yours.”

Remus mulled that around. Sirius being a Gryffindor, that was in a way his own full moon. Maybe McGonagall was right.

“But how will I know if it’s okay to tell him?” Remus asked.

“I have a feeling, that when the time comes, it will all work out on its own.” McGonagall replied, and she smiled. “Now, I think perhaps a cup of tea is in order. I’ll tell Flitwick that you are excused from charms today.”

“But professor-“ Remus looked at her with wide eyes. She looked out the large windows that framed the far wall.

“If I remember correctly, you are well ahead in Charms. Let’s have tea, I believe I saw you carrying a copy of ‘The Picture of Dorian Grey’ earlier. It’s one of my favorites.”

Remus followed McGonagall as she started to walk. He was again surprised at her. He didn’t think she’d be the type to read muggle literature.

“And Remus, I think you should know…there isn’t a person alive who is alike another.” McGonagall said. “All of us have a secret, a part of us we are careful about. I think you will find more who embrace those differences than who reject them.”

Remus was quiet as he walked along beside McGonagall. She was right. Just between Lily, Fabian and Sirius he had started to find full moons hiding in everyone’s shadows. All just as desperately attempting to measure just how much and how little to give away.

“I want to embrace them.” Remus said softly. “I want to embrace everyone’s Full Moons.”

“And I am sure you will, Remus.” McGonagall favored him with a very kind look. “I’m very sure you will.”