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Nakahara Chuuya died.
Dazai receives the notice approximately two days after.
*****
It's somewhat unsurprising that it was Akutagawa who came in person to deliver the message. Looking a tad more glommier than usual, his gaze lowered as he spoke. Chuuya-san has passed away, he said. A secret, high-risk, high-return mission. Lot's of enemies, lot's of casualties. Dazai hummed for a moment and dismissed his former subordinate. A couple of hours later, his former boss is not surprised when he marches up to the Mafia headquarters.
Unfortunate, he says, but necessary. Dazai eyes Mori who has a smile on despite the situation. He sees Elise doodling on a piece of paper at the side, drawing a big fat 'X' on something that looks like a face, a face with an ugly hat on it's head. The body, Dazai says. Corruption, Mori replies. Of course. Dazai walks out of the room, ignoring Mori's offer for an executive seat since another one is vacant.
Even as the Port Mafia traitor walks through the it's headquarters, heading towards the main entrance, no one tries to stop him, all hesitant and avoiding eye contact. Figures. There was no one who's capable of catching Dazai in the Mafia anyway, since Chuuya is gone. Without anyone and anything stopping him, he makes his way out.
*****
Dazai gets an (un)expected call that night. Kouyou is already there when he arrives at their meeting spot, holding a small box. Inside the box are old and used items such like leather gloves and ugly chokers, along with hideously expensive bottles of wines that's not to his taste. Kouyou passes the box into his hands. It would be best for you to keep it, she says.
As she turns away, Dazai eyes her disappearing figure. He cared about you, she lets out one last time before she leaves.
Yeah.
I know.
The box in his hands feels a lot more heavier than it should.
*****
Chuuya probably liked him, way more than he should've and way more than he deserved.
He was really easy to read, despite his status and power. Always straightforward and blunt to the point, even when he actually could be manipulative if it was required. But in front of him, it was never the case. With all the uncovered raw emotions and expressions that knew no façade, Dazai would have to be an idiot to his level in order not to notice. But, of course, he's quite the opposite.
Dazai couldn't believe it at first, obviously, because he knew Chuuya was an idiot, but to actually like him, despite their situation? With everything he's done? Dazai actually did experiment to see just how much Chuuya's feelings for him would suffice and it was quite .. something.
He eyes the choker in his hands that remain unchanged, even when the collar lost its dog to wrap around. He puts it back into the box and shoves the whole thing into the corner of his room.
It's taking up unnecessary space in his already preoccupied room, filled with useless junks that does not meet up with his aesthetics. Really, now. How annoying his dog is, even after death.
*****
It takes a couple more days for the news to sink in completely but nothing changes regardless. Life goes on, with or without an alcoholic hatrack.
Dazai still arrives late to work, the Armed Detective Agency still in an unfortunate truce with the Mafia. Atsushi still bickers, extremely violently, with Akutagawa but it's nothing new and nothing he's never seen before.
It's still boring as ever and he still haven't been able to find a beautiful lady to commit double suicide with. Come to think of it, it's kind of funny in an ironic sense that Chuuya managed to die before he did.
Really.
How boring life is.
*****
Dazai recalls a faint memory, some small and useless talk while preparing for another one of their missions. He was talking about another unsuccessful attempt at killing himself when he recalled something he heard somewhere about shinigami. Shinigamis take the form of their loved ones, he said, so they come more willingly to afterlife. Dazai smirked as Chuuya rolled his eyes. Or so they say~ he let out before heading towards the car Hirotsu had prepared for them.
In the middle of the drive Chuuya looked as if he was about to ask something, before changing his mind and letting the subject drop. As he pours two glasses of wine in front of him, Dazai thinks he now has an idea of what he was about to ask. Did you see me before you died? The question hangs in the air with no one to answer.
*****
When Dazai attempts his suicides it's more out of habit than anything else.
It's nothing unfathomable for him to jump into rivers, fall out of windows, or ingest suspicious looking substances. By now it's sad but not surprising that he fails yet another attempt at killing himself. It's nothing new, it's nothing different, and he doesn't see anything out of the ordinary or miss anything significant.
It's because of this predictability that he decides to try another method, even if it's more painful than usual, even if he has no one to conduct it with. He watches his wrist bleed, soaking through the white bandages and black gloves on his hand. He feels a box press into his back as he slowly looses his posture and the break of dawn shines through his windows, hitting his eyes.
As his eyes tries to adjust to the light with the continual blood loss, locks of daybreak and eyes blue as the sky form in front of him. He feels his eyelids failing him as he takes in from the sight he's been longing for, and the truth finally sinks in.
Ah.
I must have loved you.