Chapter Text
Part 2: the me nobody else knows
The world blurs into focus for Meredith the way the sun suddenly breaks through the clouds. It’s too loud and too bright, and the pain is all-consuming.
In the wake of regaining consciousness, Meredith’s thoughts are a murky flood that drown her inner voice only to recede and leave her gasping and spent.
But she does remember one thing with startling clarity.
Amidst the haze of pain, between bouts of consciousness and surgeries and exams, Meredith’s memories seem to have zeroed in on one thing.
On one person.
There’s a snapshot in time from a day she doesn’t even remember, of Alex leaning over her as they wheeled her away to repair her eardrum.
Meredith couldn’t hear him then, but as his lips moved, she caught the words ‘fine’ and ‘alright’.
What struck her to her core was the look on Alex’s face through her black-tinged vision; his usually stoic face gently smiling at her. Like she has earned the privilege of that expression, which he rarely shows to anyone else.
He’s her safe harbour. He always has been, even if she never acknowledged it before. She breathes a little easier seeing that smile.
Alex would be there for her even if she came crawling back to a burning, empty house with a dead husband, with nothing.
If there is one person Meredith can count on, it’s Alex.
He’s the first voice she hears as sounds filtered back in.
He knows what she’s saying without even having to speak, he knows her so well, has learned her so well.
Meredith has been ruined so many times, and now her body is battered and her bones hurt, but Meredith follows Alex home, clutching onto him every step of the way and knows she’s safe. That if she falls apart, he’ll catch all the pieces and put them back together.
The way he frets makes her smile.
“Do you want anything, you know, like a sandwich, or… I dunno, a blanket?” He props up a pillow behind her back, helping her relax in her seat.
“Alright, alright.” Meredith pats his hands away. “I’m fine—I’m fine. Sit down.”
Alex sags into the sofa like he’s been using up all his energy to stay on his feet. He looks tired.
Meredith’s heart swells so painfully, it takes her a moment to find her voice.
“I just spent 6 weeks in a bed unable to speak. When that happens, you see things. There’re a lot of things that people don’t say to each other that they should just say…” Meredith sucks in a breath, aware that what she’s about to say could make or break everything.
Alex’s shoulders are tense, his eyes vulnerable. “So, I need you to hear me when I say this. I know I’ve needed you a lot lately…”
“Mer,” his voice wavers, like he’s about to tell her it’s okay again.
Meredith shushes him. “The truth is Alex, that I’ve always needed you.”
He looks down at his hands where they’re gripping his knees. “I’ve always needed you too,” he whispers. “You’re the only one I can count on.”
A smile tugs on her lips.
Meredith reaches out to cover his hand with hers and is pleasantly surprised when he turns his palm up to hold hers. “You can always count on me,” she squeezes his fingers gently. “God knows I abuse your care enough.”
Alex chuckles, face softening. The way his eyes look so kind when he speaks to her; the way he looks at her like he looks at no one else makes Meredith’s insides ache.
“The thing is…” her voice softens to match the gentleness of his expression. “We need to learn to speak up. We have a voice. So use it.”
And here goes nothing, Meredith thinks, as he opens her mouth to pour out her best kept secret. She looks Alex in his vulnerable, beautiful eyes and says: “Shout your truth, make yourself heard. And my truth is, Alex, that I love you.”
Alex’s eyes widen.
“I love you,” she reiterates, relieved to have said it. “I have, for so long. You make my broken pieces hurt less. You make home less cold. And most importantly, you make my heart more full.”
His mouth opens and closes.
Meredith worries she’s miscalculated, but then there are large hands cupping her face and warm lips against her mouth.
She melts. “Oh,” she murmurs shakily, their lips brushing together again and reaches to cover his hands on her face, to hold him against her.
“I—I love you,” he chokes out, leaning back for his eyes to roam every inch of her face. They’re wet, and chockfull of love, it makes Meredith dizzy. “God, Mer, I think I’ve always loved you, I just never thought I stood a chance.”
Meredith leans closer to kiss him again. “You out of all people do.”
He strokes his fingers through her hair, his thumb brushing the arch of her cheek. “I love you,” he says again, face twisting when Meredith reaches to cup his cheeks too, and he presses their foreheads together. “It’s all I’ve been thinking about. I was so scared, Mer… when you couldn’t hear a thing, I thought God, I’ll never be able to tell her. She’ll never hear me say it, because I’ve been such a coward. I’ve buried myself in other people’s arms trying to extinguish the way you make me feel.”
“Oh, Alex,” she sighs tearfully and pulls him into her arms. She tucks her face in his shoulder and shakes as he holds her in an iron grip, fingers pressing along her spine, crushing her into his chest.
“But I’m done being a coward,” he says, his voice breaking. He nuzzles her hair, his breaths deepening like he’s trying to quench himself on the scent of her shampoo. “Now you know.”
“Now I know,” she agrees, sinking her hand in his hair to hold him against her the way she does with Bailey. It feels right, like he belongs here in her arms too.
“If you let me, Mer… I’ll stay with you. Here. Always. If you want me to. I…” he disentangles from her, eyes wet and cheeks flushed. But he looks her in the eyes, because he’s never shied away from saying the truth to her face. “We’re family. You’ve always been family.”
Meredith allows the backs of her fingers to run down his cheek. The fullness in her chest expands to the point of suffocation. “Do you want to stay?”
“More than anything,” Alex confesses, prying her hand off to hold it between his palms. “Hey, Mer? More than anything. I want you by my side forever.”
“Oh, Alex,” she repeats, moved. “How did we end up here?”
“I have no idea,” he chuckles weakly. “All I know is one day, I stopped looking at everyone but you.”
“You did?” she asks, eyes stinging.
“God, I thought you noticed because sometimes I couldn’t look away,” he shakes his head, eyes pouring into hers as he leans closer. “I felt so guilty, Mer. You were grieving and I had Jo, and I tried, I really tried. I like Jo, she’s funny and she gets me, and I wanted so badly to try to make it work, you know that. But we were ring shopping and all I could think about is how much I wished it was for you. How much I wished I was still here, in this house, with you.”
Meredith allows their mouths to slot together again, like two pieces of a puzzle finally fitting right. “Then come back,” she pleads. “Come back here. Amelia and Maggie won’t mind. And you know how much the kids love you. Did you know Bailey called you dad once?”
“Oh,” Alex says, struck. His nose nuzzles her cheeks as he kisses it. “I…You guys are my everything. I swear it.”
“Stay,” Meredith says again.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he promises, cradling her in his arms. He lies back with her head against his chest. “I’m never going anywhere ever again, Mer.”