Archive of Our Own ^beta

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“You’re lying.” The first thing Brian uttered into the phone, a slight bitterness in his voice. “I don’t care what you say Jim, I know Fred and I’m telling you, he’s not gone. Why would you say that?” His voice raises a little, trying to keep a steady tone. “Why would I lie about something like that Brian?” There was a pause before Jim sniffed. “He’s the love of my life. Why would I lie about it, he’s gone Brian, you need to accept this before-“ Brian gripped the chord of the phone tightly as tears blurred his vision, hearing Freddie’s husband let out a choked sob. “-I’ll be in touch, I’m so sorry Brian.” Jim whispers as the line goes dead. The guitarist doesn’t let the phone go, listening to the static going through the line. He feels his whole world collapse around him as involuntary tears fall down his face. “Sweetheart are you- Brian?” His girlfriend Anita rounds the corner, freezing as she sees the state her boyfriend is in. He turns to her as his knees giving, kneeling onto the ground as he clutches his chest, he feels as though he can’t breathe as sobs rack through his body. He can hear the woman’s voice in the distance but can’t make out anything she’s saying. “He’s not. H-he can’t he-“ Brian mumbles repeatedly through his sobs and Anita can feel the dots connect in her head as she realises what’s happened. Within seconds she’s by his side, pulling him into her chest, despite how much larger he is to her, as of right now the man she loved looked tiny, so small and vulnerable. “Let it all out darling.” She whispers, kissing the top of his head as his loud sobs quieten, his body aching as silent tears continue to fall. “I- I need to, where’s John and Rog?” He finally says, shifting slightly to look at Anita. The man looks completely broken, hair sticking out left, right and centre, face blotchy and red as tears unwillingly fall from his eyes. There is an expression on his face that she had never seen before, he looked like a part of him had died, he seemed almost lifeless in her arms. “I don’t know.” She whispers finally, stroking some of the man’s hair out of his face, kissing him there. “I can give Ronnie and Debbie a ring and see where they are?” She suggests and he moves back from her. “Please.” He whispers and she leaves the room, her heart breaking as she hears him sob once she got out of the room.

She took hold of the phone, taking a deep breath as she dialled Debbie’s number, knowing Roger is the one he really wanted right now. She waited a few minutes before she hears noise from the other side. She hears crashes and screams and loud sobs. “Hello?” A shaky voice comes through the speaker. “Debbie love, it’s Anita.” The woman gulps. There is a beat of silence, on the other side, Anita hears the door closing, Roger’s shouts muffling. “He’s really gone then huh?” Debbie says quietly, the emptiness around them more prominent than ever. “Brian refuses to believe it.” Anita matches her tone, sniffing quietly as she rushes to wipe tears away. “Rog doesn’t want to believe it either, I haven’t spoken to Veronica yet but I can only imagine what Johns’s like.” A slight noise behind the actress lets her know that Brian has joined her. “Roger?” He says simply and Anita slips a pained expression. “One second my love.” She says, worried that he’s going to break again. “Debbie love, is Rog calm enough to speak to Bri?” She asks, biting her lip. “Give me one second.” Anita holds the phone out of reach from Brian as she hears the muffled shouts grow louder and she’s presumes Debbie has gone to speak to him. There are muffled voices before quiet and Anita passes the phone to Brian. “Roggie?” He mumbles softly and lets out another sob when he hears a “BriMi.” At the other end. “He’s still alive isn’t he?” Brian says shakily and Anita hovers close to the phone. “Y-Yeah course he is BriM.” Roger says and Anita winces behind the elder of the two. “T-that’s what I said! I said that didn’t I Anita! He’s alive I fucking-“ “that’s enough Brian.” She says quietly. “Darling say goodbye to Roger, you’ll speak later.” She instructs. “But-“ “nope, tell him to put Debbie on the phone Brian, I’m not arguing.” He swallows thickly. “Roggie.” He turns his attention back to the phone. “Ani says I’ve got to go, a-and that she wants to talk to Debbie.” His voice is thick with emotions as tears fall again. “I love you so much.” Brian let’s a sob out. “I love you BriMi. We’ll- we’ll figure this out, we’ll see Fred soon I swear to you. I’ll call round okay? With Deaky as well. I’ll give him a call.” Roger sniffs. They don’t say goodbye to one another, they didn’t want to leave, instead they just passed their phones to their significant others.           “Debbie?” Anita says after Brian had left. “Anita, I’ve got Rog with me.” She warns and Anita understands. “I don’t know if whilst they are like this they should see each other.” The woman’s whispers. Debbie hums in agreement “they both are convinced he’s still here, it’s not good for them mentally to feed that energy off one another.” The elder of the two explains. “Yeah, yeah I agree. See you soon though yeah?” Debbie hums and Anita agrees. “Bye dear, ring if you need anything.” She hangs up, putting her face in her hands. She’d never experienced anything like this but she had to make sure she was There’s for Brian every step of the way.

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A week later and Brian had accepted what was true, that his best friend and lead vocalist of Queen Freddie Mercury had died. And whilst he had accepted this fact, his mind still raced every single day with thousands, millions of questions darting round his head, the main being why? Why did this happen to Freddie, his Freddie, their sweet sweet Freddie. Brian stared up into the night sky, an unlit cigarette in his hand. It wasn’t like him to smoke, and he never really intended to smoke, but it was a comfort to him some how. A gust of wind blows deeply and Brian shivers, the only thing he’s felt for a while. “Brian?” He hears a distant voice, but he makes no effort to move. “Brian, get inside, you must be freezing, besides, Jim Hutton’s on the phone.” The name brought Brian back to reality as he turns to face Anita, who’s hovering by the front door. He looks back at the unlit smokes, tucking it away into his pocket before he heads back inside. “Thanks Ani.” He mumbles, taking the phone from her. “Jim.” His voice is suddenly shaky, he had little to no contact with anyone since the previous week and so speaking to Freddie’s widow made his anxieties sky rocket. He swallows thickly, trying to focus as he hears the other man’s voice on the other side. “-was wondering if you’d be able to come round, Mary wants us to start sorting Fred’s stuff out I-“ “I’ll be over as soon as I can, will the other boys be there?” He chews his lip nervously and Jim hums in response. “Roger will be yes, I couldn’t get hold of John, maybe you’d be a better shot?” Jim asks hopefully, a small sniff tells Brian he’s close to tears, and he can’t blame him.  “O-of course Jim.” He says softly. “And Jim? I’m sorry about last week, how I reacted it wasn’t-“ Brian moves away from the speaker as he stifles a sob. “I’ll see you in the morning.” He says quietly before hanging up. 

Moments later Anita comes towards him, pulling him into a hug and Brian finally lets a sob out as he begins to cry again. “I feel awful Ani!” He says with guilt heavy in his voice. “I- god I didn’t think how this was affecting Jim, we-“ “it’s okay darling, I know how hard you’re taking this and so you couldn’t of been aware of the people around you.” She reassures. “You can make it up with him tomorrow yes? Now go ring Deaky, he may actually talk to you.” The woman says softly and Brian nods shakily as he dials the Deacon’s house. After a few rings, he hears a woman’s voice say hello. “Ronnie? It’s Brian, I want to talk to John if that’s alright.” He twiddles the phone chord in his finger. Unbeknown to Anita, Brian had listened in on some of her conversations with the other’s wives and girlfriends as it was the only way he could hear news of Roger and John, and so he was very aware of how the youngest member of their band was taking the news. “Brian.” She says softly. “Of course, please give me a moment.” There’s a silence, for one minute, then two, before rustling. There’s no voice coming through to Brian but he knows John is on the side. “Deaky?” He says quietly. “BriMi?” A shaky voice finally rings through and Brian clutches the phone tightly to him. He looks behind him, checking he’s alone before swallowing. “Sweetheart, how are you holding up?” The nickname slipped out ever so cautiously, it hadn’t been used on John since the 70s but he knew it was a comfort to the younger. John let out a sob, then another until he was crying freely down the phone and Brian’s heart broke over and over again for his best friend. “Deaks.” Brian pauses momentarily, checking he was still alone. “Sweetheart can you calm down for me? Please? It’s okay, just listen to me okay?” He croons softly as John’s cries quieten. “J-Jim.” Brian clears his throat. “Jim wants us to come round, all of us.” He bites his lip. “He says Rog is in, but wants to see us both too. I-if it’s too much I understand Johnny, I just-“ he didn’t want to talk about the severe guilt he felt, how he felt like if he had come at 9am instead of 10am that day, Freddie would somehow still be with them. How he spoke to Jim after he found out the news of Freddie passing. How he was determined to finish the album, despite how ill his best friend was. He felt sick to his stomach as he suppressed a sob bubbling in his chest, not wanting John to hear him. “I don’t uh, I’ll see how I feel in the morning.” John says finally. “I love you so much, you know that right?” Brian can’t help it this time as he lets a sob slip out, his hands trembling. “I know.” Deaky’s voice is shaky. “I know.” He tries again as he too let’s out a loud cry. “Why did, Why did it have to be him.” Sobs rack through the phone and Brian lets himself cry too. “He had so much more to give.” He sniffs as both men attempt to compose themselves. “I  l-love you BriMi, I’ve got to go.” Despite his age, Brian thought John sounded like a frightened child and he wanted to hold him close and never let go. “Good night Johnn-“ before he could finish, the line went dead. “Get some rest.” Anita says as she comes into the room. “It’s late and you’re seeing Jim tomorrow my darling.” She kisses the top of his head softly as they head to bed.

Chapter Text

Brian twists his hair round his finger, tugging it slightly as he bites his lip nervously, taking a couple of shaky breaths. He had just rang the door bell to Garden Lodge and was waiting for someone who worked there or Jim Hutton himself to answer the door. The night before he promised to come and help sort Freddie’s stuff out and the thought of packing his best friends life away made him want to throw up. His thoughts were cut short when the door finally, finally opened to reveal Jim himself, looking surprisingly well put together. “Brian.” He breathed as the other untangled his fingers from his messy hair. “It’s good to see you, please come in.” The Irishman looked nervously at the taller male, who stood frozen for a short while, before blinking once, twice, and shaking his head, coming back to reality and stepping inside the house that held a thousand memories for everyone in Freddie’s life. “Hi Jim.” Brian said finally looking properly at the other. “John and Rog here yet?” He asks, a tinge of hope in his voice, but the man simply shakes his head no. “Not yet.” He pauses. “But we’ve got time, they can come when they are ready. Would you like a cup of tea?” Even at this most trying time, Brian admired how polite Jim was and so he offered a sincere smile. “That’d be lovely, thank you.” He’s led to the living room. Pictures are everywhere, pictures of Jim, pictures of the cats, pictures of Mary, the band and, Brian tears up as he sees their dearest Freddie. He strokes a thumb over his cheek. In the picture, the man is laughing, smiling beautifully with so much joy in his eyes, he recognised it as Freddie from when he first joined the band. Brian’s heart ached as he remembered how flamboyant and full of life the singer was, he feels his cheeks dampen with hot tears, before he hears movement behind him and he puts the picture down, wiping away the tears as much as he can before turning to face Jim, who has two cups of tea in his hands. “Come, sit.” The man says softly and Brian feels weak as he sits down and takes the tea, sipping it, not wincing once as the scalding hot liquid burns his throat ever so slightly. The two men sit in silence, with nothing but the ticking of the grand clock in the foyer to fill the silence. “So.” Brian say softly. “How have you been Jim? I know we haven’t spent the most time together but be honest.” He feels a pang of guilt coarse through him, wishing he had spent more time with Jim like Freddie wanted, he wanted the most important people in his life to love each other as he loved them. “I’m.” Jim pauses, as if he was collecting his thoughts. “Hanging in there.” He says finally. “Freddie was- is the love of my life, of course I’m in pain. But.” The man lets out a shuddery breath. “As much as I miss- miss him, I can’t bring him back, none of us can Bri.” Jim finally lets a few tears fall and Brian hesitantly puts a comforting hand on top of Jim’s, trying to stay strong for the other man. “God.” He sniffs, a watery laugh bubbling out. “Freddie would scoff at us right now wouldn’t he?” Brian smiled at this too. “He’d tell us to get our heads out of our asses and party our troubles away.” At this point both of the men are grinning at one another, tears still fresh in their eyes. “Shall we make a start? I’m sure the boys will get here soon.” Brian suggests and Jim nods. Brian just prayed his friends would get here soon.

A couple of hours later and Brian had sorted through about three years worth of Queen stuff. He hadn’t been with Jim at all so he took time to reminisce and cry when appropriate. It was nearing the end of the day and there were no signs of wither John or Roger and despite his melancholy feelings, Brian could feel anger start to bubble inside of him. He couldn’t believe they had let Jim down like that. How they could of let Brian down like that. How. Brian gritted his teeth slightly as the anger rose in him. How they could of let Freddie down like that. Brian’s face hardened at the thought as he heard Jim calling for him. He takes a few short breaths before composing himself and heading downstairs. “Thank you so much for all the help today Brian.” Jim says softly. “It means so much to have you here with me, you guys were so important to him.” At this, Brian’s heart twisted, with both hurt for his friend and anger toward his two other band mates. A wave of emotion goes through Brian as he feels himself pulling Jim into a hug. “Thank you Jim. For looking after Fred the way you did. You two were always meant to be together.” He feels Jim hold him tighter, hearing a few sniffs as the other pulls away. “You’ll come back soon?” Jim swallows thickly and Brian nods. “Of course, and, I’m sorry about the others not turning up. It was shitty of them.” Brian’s voice deepens slightly anger slipping through slightly. “They need more time Bri, I get it.” Jim sighs and Brian refrains from letting his anger show. “Bye for now Jim.” He says walking out the door. “Bye for now Bri.” The door closes and Brian grits his teeth once more, getting into his car.

The first place he goes to is Roger’s house, he knocks on the door, stepping back anger flowing through his body. He’s surprised to see John it’s John who answers, his confusion quickly being replaced by betrayal, anger and spite. “You.” He spits and he doesn’t notice the way John’s red rimmed eyes flash with fear. “Brian?” John says softly, but he’s pushed out the way. “Where’s Roger?” Brian says lowly and John swallows as he takes Brian through to the living room where Roger is curled up on the couch, his hair is messy and his eyes are red, tears staining his cheeks, not that Brian noticed in his rage. “Where.” He begins as Deaky sits down. “Where the fuck were you two today.” He hissed and Roger opens his mouth to speak but Brian carries on. “Jim Hutton.” The tallest paces up and down. “Freddie’s husband- Freddie’s widow.” Brian can hear John choke on his breath at that. “Asked us. Freddie’s friends. To help sort his stuff out. He entrusted Freddie’s three best friends to be there for him after his husband, our best friend and lead singer died and yet you two can’t be bothered to show up.” He looks at them directly this time. “Well?” He tries to stay strong but he can feel tears blurring his vision. “Three years of memories.” He sniffs. “Three years of Queen stuff I had to sort out today. He had stuff that belonged to all of us and I had to guess whether to keep the stuff or not because you two.” He says sharply. “Didn’t turn up.” He could feel his throat closing up. “You know, Jim always said that you were Freddie’s soulmate Roger. Why weren’t you there if you were his soulmate?” He threw his hands up in frustration and Roger let out a sob. “BriMi stop-“ He begins. “And you.” Brian cuts him off, looking directly at John. “Brian May be careful.” Roger hisses, sobering up slightly. “What’s your fucking excuse huh? You couldn’t even fucking visit Fred when he was ill and then you don’t bother coming to help out now he’s died? You’re fucking scum Deacon.” He spits, he’s so close to John now he can feel the short, scared breath emitting from the other. He’s pulled away suddenly. “Get out.” Roger says cooly. “Get out of my home and don’t you even think of returning until you calm down.” He growls. “Gladly.” Brian says harshly back. “Wouldn’t want to be with people who don’t respect Fred anyways.” It was a low blow. Even Brian could tell that, but he still stormed off without another word, slamming the door harshly behind him and getting in his car, angry tears flowing down his face like wild fire as he drives away from Rogers estate. 

Brian gets home eventually, slamming the car door as he opens the door to his house. “Brian?” He hears but he walks past Anita without giving her a second look, walking promptly into the spare bedroom and locking the door from the inside. Sliding down the wall he lets out a sob, he refused to move for anyone or anything. He hoped he’d die in there.