Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Takasaki Misaki is a liar.

She’s been lying since she was a little girl. Lies lies lies, right up until she was seven or so. Then, briefly, the veil was lifted and some truth slipped out. She is Takasaki Misaki, and that was that truth. A truth that crumbled her parents’ marriage, but the truth nonetheless. Their little family split apart when she admitted that truth. That split left scars, scars that time still hasn’t quite healed, but was unavoidable and absolutely necessary for her. It let her be herself, even if the cost was her trust in the power of being truthful.

So for now, Takasaki Misaki remains a true liar.

It’s really nothing to do with her secret nowadays… mostly. That’s not something she wants to think about. It’s a lot of little things instead. Tiny white lies that cheer up those around her. Yes, that top looks super cute, Shuu! No, Ayano, I don’t know a thing about that movie, I’d love to watch it with you! Those sorts of harmless words to make the ones she loves feel good.

There are lies that are too beautiful to last, too, and that hurt when they break apart. Defy thy father and refuse thy name turning to an agonising truth of I love him so much turning to the tragedy of I’m going to lie now, but this lie is a lie I’m going to have to make true. Lust into love, into lies, into truth.

And of course, completely inconsequential ones too, that help her trim the fat of tales to keep questions about her out of people’s mouths.

Like the recent one, the one where she told Nejima that her connection to Yuusuke was as shallow as women’s intuition. A longing heart sensing another longing heart. Both longing for something they couldn’t have. Tragic, and poetic, and utterly false.

It’s fourteen year-old Takasaki Misaki that first meets fourteen year-old Nisaka Yuusuke. One of those kinds of government arrangements, the kind where they have the nerve to call you in on a Saturday and then lump you in with everyone in a remotely similar situation, and it always ends with giving you what amounts to a half-assed group therapy session. We care! say all the officials. But they’re all liars too.

She’s running late that day, but she’s been going to these meetings since she declared her name to her parents, so she can’t find the motivation to care. Until she sees him, anyway.

Nejima Yukari is oblivious to her eyes on him - heck, she’d not expect him to recognise her like this. Makeup off, hood up, cute and feminine clothes traded out for sweats that hide every detail of her personhood. But she couldn’t miss him. His messy bowl cut has grown out too long, and the natural curl to his hair has it sticking up at all angles. He doesn’t seem to care, still all smiles as he calls out to his friend and goes running to them. Cute. Dumb and cute. She likes that kind of boy.

Seeing that smile gives her new energy. She will get going to her meeting! She’ll encourage everyone there! Make sure they all know there’s hope! The new spring in her step carries her to the government building, and Misaki strides inside confidently. She gives over her student ID as always. Gets that building ID to hang around her neck as always. The receptionist gives her directions as if she needs them, and it’s almost laughable that they’d think she doesn’t know where she’s going by now. Her old tennis shoes squeak offensively against the linoleum floors, but even that isn’t enough to bother her.

Around the corner from her destination, she runs head-on into someone else. A guy, but with such soft features that she can’t help but feel a teeny bit jealous. He rubs the sore spot she’s given him on his forehead, then shoots her such a glare that Misaki’s blood runs cold. His other hand is bunched up into a fist, and dangling from it she can see an ID that matches the one she’s got.

“The meeting’s the other way,” Is out before she’s processed that yeah, he probably knows that since he’s coming from that direction. “And, um, sorry. Are you okay?”

“I’m not stupid,” is snapped, but a telltale voice crack of puberty that launches the last syllable up two octaves stops it from chilling her the same way his eyes do. “Move.”

He goes to shove past her and, well, now Misaki is interested. She follows him back down the hall, trying to think up what exactly to say. She’s curious! Where’s he going? Who is he? She’s never seen him here before.

They go half the length of the next hall before he spins on his heel and jabs a dainty finger to her chest.

“Stop following me.”

“What’s your name?” He looks exasperated, and it’s not like she can blame him. Misaki has no idea what’s come over her. She’s rarely this bold unless she’s with Shuu. “Are you okay?”

Okay, yes, she has asked that already. It isn’t about his head bump now, however! No, now that she’s got him actually looking at her, she can take him in better. His alabaster skin is starkly contrasted by the red ringing his eyes, not to mention the now-fading flush that’s still creeping across his cheeks and down the front of his throat. He’s definitely been crying.

“What the hell is with you? Don’t be creepy.” Creepy? Rude. “It’s none of your business, so leave me alone .”

Misaki’s already decided that she can’t leave him alone, not when he’s upset. It’s not her business, nor her place, but if he’s been picked out to attend these meetings then there’s a decent chance he may not have anyone to talk about his problems with at home. It’s nosy and it’s forward, but she’s not going to let up. Which is exactly why she grabs him by the wrist and yanks him back.

“What do you want with me? Get off!”

“You were going to the Saturday club, right?” It’s a silly, nonspecific name for it, but it’s one that keeps her friends from asking too many questions, therefore it’s the name that stuck. “I know that Anekawa is a scary guy, but this seems like an extreme reaction.”

She nods toward him, which gets him yanking his hand back to wipe his eyes.

“Why do you care?” is an excellent question.

“Well, you looked pretty pathetic. And when you’re dressed all fashionably like that? I can’t just let you out to ruin your cool guy image. ‘Cause I bet you have one of those, right?” is a silly, kind of mean answer.

He laughs anyway. Not properly. Still, he can’t hide the smirk that pulls at the corners of his lips, or the tiny snort that escapes before he answers her.

“Are you this rude to everyone you meet, or am I just special?” carries hints of a playful tone to it. He’s still tense, angry, upset even. She’s not gotten rid of any of that yet. But Misaki can feel that she’s getting through to him this way, with her teasing managing to lighten whatever weight the world has dropped onto his narrow shoulders to leave him like this. Playful mockery seems the way to go to get him to open up. “…It’s Nisaka, by the way. Nisaka Yuusuke. I’m here because I… like…  because I’m, uh…”

This guy - Nisaka - can’t seem to find a word he’s comfortable with. Misaki knows what he’s getting at, at least. With a broad smile plastered on her face, she claps a hand down on his shoulder and boldly declares her truth to him.

“I’m Takasaki Misaki, and I’m here because I’m a trans woman.”

Chapter Text

Nisaka Yuusuke is a liar.

He’s lied for months on end, to his parents and to his sister-in-law and to his brother. Especially his brother. Youichi has no idea what had been happening in his life. If he knew, would he think Yuusuke is gross? Yuusuke firmly believes he would. He’d be disgusted, and he’d yell at him, and he’d tell their parents, and the world would come crashing down around him. And for nothing. Because Youichi’s friend didn’t love him, not at all. He just used him. He told him he loved him, but he lied. So he’s a liar too.

Maybe all the people like him are liars? Maybe it’s a mark of bad character or something to be like him. Maybe he should suck it up, try harder to be normal. Maybe he should have just gone through with what Sakuragi had suggested. Maybe all of his problems are his own fault.

He hates those thoughts. Just as he hates reflecting on what happened the other day with Neji. Another reason for his brother to think he’s gross if - when he finds out. It sure wasn’t what he’d expected to happen there, and even he finds himself a little unconvinced of Neji’s words that followed. ‘I did it, so we’re friends.’ means very little in this sort of situation. Even the friendliest of friends with the densest of minds isn’t about to stick his tongue down your throat purely out of friendship. ...But then again, Neji is an idiot to put all other idiots to shame.

Yuusuke feels gross. He wishes that people would just stop touching him without permission. He’s so tired of it. Girls, boys, everyone. Just stop touching him. Stop looking at him. Stop acknowledging him as the outlier that he is. He shouldn’t have said a thing to Neji, not a thing, ever. He’s made a huge mistake. Now they’ll all know, he’s certain of it. Neji can’t keep his big mouth shut. His ‘friends,’ who’d talked about their disgust with people like him, with people that aren’t normal, will mock him. The girls will laugh, the boys will recoil in disgust and call him a pervert, or some other untrue thing like that. The news will get home, one way or the other. His parents will find out.
The world will most definitely come crashing down around him.

His phone buzzes, and he glances at it. Neji again, so he’ll ignore it. They can’t talk again now… but there is someone he can talk to.

The Saturday that follows their initial encounter, Yuusuke meets up with her again. Takasaki-san this week arrives looking completely different. Her face is made up cutely, and her clothes are much more frilly and showy. He can’t say he understands.

“This isn’t a date.” he states flatly, making no attempt to disguise the disgusted curl of his lip at the thought. Takasaki smiles, blinks, and looks entirely bewildered by Yuusuke’s statement.

“I… know? Did you think it was? Because I didn’t think I was really on your radar for that kind of thing. You’re not on mine. Ah, no offence, of course.” Yuusuke scowls, and she copies him in a very over-the-top, ridiculous way. ...For about four seconds, before she breaks out into a giggling fit. It reminds him of Sakuragi, which does nothing for his thinning patience. “So,” comes with her gripping his wrist again in that overly-familiar, way too forward manner. “Let’s go.”

“Go where, exactly?”

She’s given him next to no details on this. Let’s meet up at the konbini next week, okay? is all he had to go on before arriving. Granted, he’s happier with this than he is attending that ‘Saturday club,’ but Yuusuke feels he’s entitled to have something of an idea of what they’re going to be doing.

“Inside, first off. I’m thirsty.” Takasaki all but drags him inside with a strength he wouldn’t expect from someone of her size. It’s embarrassing getting lead around like this! He shakes her off as soon as they’re inside, but he’s almost certain that the cashier saw them. Damn. “You can just ask if you don’t want me to do that.”

She gives him a look of mock-hurt, as if he’s the one that’s being rude here. Yuusuke scoffs, taking that reclaimed hand of his and brushing his stray bangs from his eyes, before folding it, along with his other, across his chest. He’s unimpressed. The consolation prize for her embarrassing him like this is that he guilts her into buying him a daifuku, and now they’re not friends , but they’re not on hostile terms. Is this girl even capable of being hostile, actually?

When he again tries to question where they’re going, she tells him to just trust her. That’s stupid. Yuusuke can’t trust her, he doesn’t know her. And if he did, when she behaves erratically like this, how could he? She’s too strange for his trust. She’s abnormal.

Though then again, so is he, apparently. So he reluctantly abides and lets Takasaki drag him yet again.

This time he’s taken to a park. Not even a park, a children’s playground. Empty of children right now, and mercifully of anyone else as well. No other lurking middle-schoolers spending their day off skulking around the outskirts of town. No one to come see him out here, and to start rumours about him being some sort of womaniser. Because that would happen. He knows it would. Better thought of as a womaniser, though, than a -

“What are we doing?” Yuusuke comes out with after an agonisingly long ten seconds of silence. Takasaki is seated on the swings now. her big eyes beckoning him to sit beside her. He doesn’t.

“Tell me about yourself, okay? I want to learn about you, Nisaka-kun.”

“Didn’t I already say this isn’t a date?”

“And didn’t I say you’re not my type? What, did you think I just asked you to meet up so we could sit in silence and brood for a few hours instead of getting counselled?” Yuusuke’s total lack of response kind of leaves it a dead giveaway that either a), yes he did think that was what they were doing, or b), he just agreed to this whole thing without a second thought. Takasaki gawks for a second when he gives no answer, before rolling her eyes and swinging back. “You’re a strange guy, Nisaka-kun.”
He wishes she’d stop saying things like that.

“...Alright. What do you wanna know then, huh? What has you so-o-o-o interested in me?” Yuusuke’s already rolling his eyes, expecting some sort of shallow response. When’s your birthday? Favourite colour? Favourite food? Something trivial like that. Those are the things girls like her and Sakuragi care about. Only frivolous things. That’s all they want to know.

“Are you out?”

That question... shouldn’t catch him off-guard as badly as it does. Yet it’s all Yuusuke can do to keep himself from doubling over and wheezing from the impact of it. “ Excuse me? ” is eventually sputtered, his eyes wide and sparkling with that special sort of terror you only feel when your life is on the verge of falling apart. It’s the same intensity of fear that gripped him when he was with Sakuragi. The same one when he… he and…

“ No. ” He bites his tongue to resist adding a jab about how that should be obvious, and how she should ask something less stupid next. “No, I’m not.”

“Do you want to be out?” Takasaki slows her swinging before she asks this time, a look of sincerity etched so deep into her fine features that Yuusuke can’t help but shuffle in discomfort under her gaze.

“...No.”

He’s considered it. Considered it ever since Kikukawa came to him and told him how who he loves makes him different to the majority of people. Ever since Kikukawa also told him about how he, a respectable government official, lives with his husband - or no, not his husband , because even he is too different to be afforded the privilege of marriage. His partner . Yuusuke doesn’t want to be marked out as different. It feels like putting a target on his own back.

“Okay,” Takasaki nods, coming to a stop. “That’s alright. That’s alright. Can I ask another question?”

“You just did.” The unimpressed look she hits him with makes the creeping shame he was already feeling for that terrible joke increase ten-fold.

“...But yeah. Shoot.”

“Alrighty. Nisaka-kun, have you ever been in love with another boy? Or did the government just tell you that you're different without you realising?”

Chapter Text

Misaki’s been expecting the call. Or even just a text. Something. They’ve not been on the best of terms in recent times, but since last year’s play they’ve been rebuilding their friendship. And this, this is exactly the sort of thing she’d expect him to come to her about. And it will hurt to talk about. It will hurt for both of them. It has to happen, though, meaning she’ll just slap on a brave face and power through it. She’s been getting better at that lately.

Takumi shouts some rude, childish taunt at her as she takes her ringing cell and heads off to her room. She ignores him, naturally, and slams her door before finally answering.

“God. I thought you were gonna start ghosting me there.”

Nisaka’s rude as ever, but there’s a hitch in his voice that tells her this is, once again, nothing but a front. He’s not in the mood to show her weakness. That’s fine, she’ll let him go at his own pace. Pushing him never does seem to help.

“Isn’t that more your thing?”

Misaki tries to keep it light and friendly, but there’s still just a hint of irritation that he’d even jokingly accuse her of that.

“So, what’s up?”

“You know what’s up.”

It’s true, she does! Even without that little heart-to-heart Neji pulled her aside for, she’s noticed his misery in class in recent days. The bruising too, was pretty hard to miss. Then to top it all off, Nisaka’s absence. He’s never been one to make the effort when it comes to school, but when you put all those things together, topping it off with how his new lot of ‘friends’ can’t tell her anything about where he is, it all adds up to a fight with Neji.

“I need to figure out how to fix it.”

“Well first off, congrats! Takes balls to come out like that. Can’t say I envy you having them there. Or, you know, having them in general.” 

The groan tells her he’s at least doing well enough to take some playful prodding about the subject, so that’s a decent sign.

“And the good news is, I don’t think anyone’s gone and put all the pieces together. Your friends aren’t very smart. You might be a little too good for them, Nisaka-kun.”

“They’re not my friends. Not after… they’re just not my friends, alright?”

Ah.

“Actually, I say no one has, but Aya-chan’s pretty clever. She’s figured something’s up. So you’d better appreciate that I threw her off your scent. She doesn’t suspect a thing anymore!”

Misaki’s proud of herself there! Ayano’s skillset is limited, sure, but sniffing out good gossip’s definitely among it. Convincing her she’s got the wrong idea has been tough work.

“...Oh, but you might have to fake a fight with me when you come back.

“If I come back.” 

Really? We’re being that over-the-top about this? Misaki sighs.

“You’re going to come back. If I have to march in there and drag you out myself, you’re coming back. Education matters, Nisaka-kun. I won’t let you throw your future away over a boy of all things.”

“That’s rich coming from you ,” he sneers, devoid of humour and dripping with the subtlest of venom. “He likes you back. Even if you don’t get together in the end, you’ll always have that.”

“You’re such a drama queen, you know that?”

The response she gets is silence, then a low, low, dreadfully bitter laugh through the receiver.

...Laugh? Sob? Misaki finds that she’s genuinely struggling to distinguish. She stays quiet a second longer, waiting to see if he speaks. And to his credit, Nisaka does push through and speak again! Even if she’d rather not hear the words he says.

“I know. I know. It’s so stupid, isn’t it? That I like him at all? Dumb old Nejima. He’s not my… my type. I’ve never liked someone like him before. I like older men.”

Misaki cringes at the statement, uneasy feelings filling her as she faces the fact that she can’t stop him, if he should happen to ‘rebound’ with some other predatory person in their twenties or thirties or - oh, she doesn’t want to think about it.

“I should-”

“I mean, you’re pretty young. every boy in our grade is an older man to you.”

It’s not a good joke, but it may be decent enough to veer him off the train of thought he’s threatening to take.

“Besides, why not leave it alone for now? Going for somebody just because you’ve got some heartache going on isn’t fair on you or them.”

Is that enough? Don’t do something dangerous, Nisaka-kun is what she wants to say, but he’s bound to take that as a challenge.

“...I’m tired,” comes suddenly, and before she can answer he’s bidding her farewell. “Talk to you later, Takasaki.”

He’s gone then, but Misaki’s not giving in. She calls him back. He doesn’t answer.
Again. No answer.
And again. Still no answer.
It goes on for a while like this, until she gives up and drops her face against her pillow to unleash a muffled, frustrated yell into it.

“...A man.”

The distinction seems arbitrary to Misaki. Boy, man, aren’t they just about the same thing?

Nisaka won’t say more than that. Rather, he turns away from her and seems content to just leave without a goodbye. Misaki can’t help but feel as if she’s hit a sore spot for him. “Hey,” she starts up, reaching a hand out for his shoulder just as he slips from her reach.

“We’re done.”

He sounds so together about it, so cool. While she’s pretty much certain now that she’s drudged up something he’d prefer not to think about, he keeps calm and gives no obvious signs that anything is wrong. Were they being observed right now, he’d seem to be nothing but an aloof boy, blowing off the wide-eyed waif that’s trailed him like a puppy dog all day.

“I’ll see you next week.”

So she hasn’t completely wrecked it. That’s reassuring.

“Sorry, Nisaka-kun,” tumbles out as a sheepish whisper. “That was probably too forward, huh?”

“You’re a pretty forward girl, Takasaki.”

O...kay, that feels almost like an insult somehow.

“This isn’t anything you need to know about. Nothing I need to talk about. It’s best left alone.”

In her mind, she takes that as a challenge.

Farewells are bid, and she lets it rest. The next week, they skip the club again. She doesn’t press this time. They spend time together, as friends. Nisaka complains endlessly whenever she drags him to a new activity, but no matter how ‘uncool’ he may consider it, Misaki can see he always ends up enjoying it. Occasionally they’ll pass by people who recognise him, and she’ll hear the name Sakuragi thrown around. 

It’s been almost a month when Nisaka brings the topic up again, of his own volition.

“He was my brother’s friend.”

She didn’t know he had a brother.

“He was in college. I’d been… I was nearly normal? I’d had a girlfriend there, for a while, and… it didn’t go right.”

The face he makes tells her that she shouldn’t dig for details there. This whole thing though, she has so many questions. Questions that feel dire, feel agonisingly important. He says the guy was in college? Just how old was he? How old was Nisaka? Is this recent? What happened?

Misaki holds her tongue in spite of herself. Nods, tries to hide the sinking feeling setting in, does what she can to urge him to keep talking. Nisaka takes her cue, thankfully.
...Thankfully?
Unfortunately?
She somewhat regrets hearing any of this.

“We were… I was kinda bummed out around that time. Still pretty bummed out, to tell the truth. He used to just watch movies with me, keep me company.”

Was it just a one-sided crush? That’s not so bad. She shouldn’t jump to worst-case scenarios, silly Misaki. Plenty of her friends have pined for celebrities, elder sibling’s friends, even the occasional teacher. It was normal. She’d not stretch to call that sort of thing love , but-

“Then one day, he kissed me. It was out of nowhere.”

Oh.

Oh!

Never mind. That seed of what she can now call disgust that planted itself inside of her? Its presence is perfectly fine and valid! Correct! The rational response to this!

Disgust and rage for the sake of her new friend. Disgust, and rage, and heartache for the way that he talks. As if what happened was love. A healthy sort of love wouldn’t be like that. His big-eyed, baby-faced, far-too-young self shouldn’t be pursued by someone who’s off to college. that’s not right.

“Nisaka-kun-”

she begins softly, and then can’t find the words to continue. What does she say to that? She asked. She coaxed him to open up about this. There’s nowhere to go from here.

“...Never mind.”