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the events of the stark-parker-keener road trip

a film by peter parker

A camera has been set up on the dashboard of Tony Stark’s Audi. The billionaire playboy philanthropist superhero himself sits at the wheel, humming along to the low-playing music, as Harley Keener kicks his feet up on the dash. Tony only gives him a sideways look.

Harley’s eyes are trained on the red and black Nintendo DS Lite in his hands, a furrow forming in his brow as he mashes at the buttons. For a moment, he seems to relax, a smile growing, and then he abruptly stops, slamming the device down into his lap.

“COCKSUCKER!” he yells, spinning to look into the backseat.

“Jesus, language,” Tony mutters as Peter Parker appears, a shit-eating grin on his face.

“Yes, Harley?”

“You motherfucking—”

“Hey, come on,” Tony huffs. “You know Pepper bought the rights to ‘motherfucker’ years ago. We’re not allowed to say it.”

“I thought she owned ‘shit’,” Peter says.

“That, too,” Tony agrees. He glances away from the road to nudge Harley by the arm back into his seat, facing forward. “What happened?”

“I was just about to reach the finish line,” Harley bites out, “and that little asshole shot a blue shell at me.”

Tony blinks. “I have no idea what that means.”

[Cut]

Peter’s holding the camera, aimed at him, and spinning so the gas station behind him can be captured in its full glory. Tony is leaning against the car and Harley’s walking out of the station shop, a large bag of Doritos in his hands.

“We’re on a road trip,” he announces.

[Cut]

Buildings passing out the car window, Tony driving seen from the backseat, the sky getting darker and darker, yellow-gold lights flashing on as they drive down empty highways and through small, silent towns.

Over the top, Peter says, “Mr Stark – Tony – found out about an Iron Man museum in South Carolina, so we’re spending Spring Break on the road. We asked Pepper if she wanted to come, but she said she’d rather die than stand in a room dedicated to all things Iron Man. So… We all have our ideas of fun.”

[Cut]

The car parks in the dark. Then Harley and Tony walk ahead of the camera as they enter a hotel. Tony leans against the reception desk and says, “Howard Potts?”

The camera shuffles to the side and the receptionist types at a computer.

“Here we are,” they say. “Howard Potts.” They reach behind the desk and produce three key cards. “Rooms 509 and 510.”

[Cut]

Tony walks out of 509, into the yellow-lit hallway. “That’s yours, kids. Don’t stay up too late.”

“We’d never,” Harley replies, dry.

Tony rolls his eyes and starts up the hallway. “Get some sleep, you heathens. I’ll see you at breakfast.”

[Cut]

Peter leaps onto the right-hand double bed. The camera, in Harley’s hands, rushes towards the left-hand one, and the footage shakes as he jumps. The sound becomes muffled by the duvet.

“There’s a mini bar,” Harley’s voice says from behind the camera.

On the other bed, half obscured by the sheets in front of the lens, Peter sits up. “Aren’t mini bars super expensive?”

“Sure, but we’re with a billionaire.”

Peter pauses, and the camera shuffles slightly as Harley climbs off the bed. “Do you think he’d mind?”

Harley scoffs. “I don’t think he’d even notice.”

[Cut]

The camera sits on the bedside table, pointed at Harley’s bed, now covered in mini bar treasures. Cans of drink, small bottles of spirits and wines, bags of peanuts all roll around between the two boys that sit cross-legged.

Peter has balanced a can of Coke on his knee and Harley is reading the back of a tiny bottle of vodka.

“You know you’re like, super underaged, right?” Peter asks.

Harley rolls his eyes. “Duh. But if you can’t drink in a hotel room on a road trip when can you drink?”

“When you’re at the legal age of twenty-one.”

“Come on, Parker. Live a little.” Harley unscrews the cap of the bottle and peers inside. He gives it an experimental sniff before shrugging and taking a sip. Immediately, he coughs, spluttering, and Peter breaks out in a fit of laughter. “That’s disgusting.”

“You’re supposed to just down it,” Peter says, taking the bottle. “The aim is not to taste it.”

“How would you know?”

“I watch TV, dumbass.” Peter looks at the bottle, unsure, before chugging the rest of it. He pulls a whole host of disgusted faces before screwing the cap back on and placing it on the bed. “That’s rank.”

“I thought you weren’t supposed to taste it?” Harley mocks.

[Cut]

The clock reads three AM.

Peter is lying on his bed with his head off the edge. “I feel nothing. I drank like, four of those bottles and I feel nothing.”

[Cut]

“What are you doing?”

Harley looks up, where he’s leaning over his duffle. “I’m packing the rest of the bottles in my bag.”

“But it has no effect on me!”

Harley shrugs. “But I bet it’ll have a good effect on me.”

[Cut]

At the reception desk once more, a different employing saying, “…and here’s the bill for the room service.”

“The room service,” Tony sighs, and takes the long roll of paper. He sends a sideways look at the camera and the boys standing behind it, and then blinks at the list. “Did you guys empty the entire minibar?”

[Cut]

A time-lapse from the dash of the car. The roads ahead of them; towns and buildings passing them by, stopping at red lights and pulling out onto highways and speeding all the way down them. The sun rises higher in the sky as it goes.

[Cut]

A second time-lapse from the same location, but the opposite angle. Tony sits in the driver’s seat, Peter in the passenger side. Harley’s legs can be seen kicked up across the back seats. They talk and move and at one point all seem to be belting out a song together.

[Cut]

“Hey,” Tony says, “you guys wouldn’t happen to have any of your minibar haul left over, would you?”

“What are you after?” Harley asks.

“A drink. I’m thirsty.”

Harley leans over the backseat of the car and produces his duffle bag. He starts rooting through it. “What are you feeling? Coke? Sprite? Dr Pepper?”

“Dr Pepper,” Tony says, and Harley passes one forward. He sends another can up front for Peter, too. “So you cleared out the entire bar, right?”

Harley shrugs. “I guess, yeah.”

“So am I going to have to give you the lecture on underage drinking or are you going to just… know not to.”

There’s silence for a moment. Tony sends a pointed look towards the rereview mirror. Peter’s eyes look panicked while Harley just slouches back in his seat, grumbling, “Know not to, I guess.”

[Cut]

“So we can’t find the Iron Man museum,” Peter says to the camera, still in the front seat. He aims it towards Tony, who’s frowning and turning around in a parking lot.

“It was supposed to be like, two miles back,” Tony says, “but it wasn’t there? I don’t know. It’s confusing.”

[Cut]

Peter’s face is very close to the camera.

“We’ve been lost for over an hour.”

[Cut]

The camera shakes a little, pointed at Peter’s chest and neck, as he walks through the street. “Excuse me, ma’am?”

“Yes?” replies a quiet voice, off camera.

“Sorry, we’re a little lost. There’s supposed to be an Iron Man museum around here—”

“Oh, everyone’s always losing their way getting there,” the woman laughs. “If you don’t know how to look for it, you won’t find it!

[Cut]

Peter climbs back into the car. “We’re gonna follow this road until we get to Seymour, and then take a right until we get to a bridge,” he reports. “Apparently, it’s like, super-secret. Bad signing. Everyone always has trouble finding it.”

[Cut]

“I went right on Seymour!” Tony’s insisting.

“Well where’s the bridge, Tony?” Harley demands. “Where’s the bridge?”

“I don’t KNOW where the bridge is! We’ve been driving this road for half an hour and there is no bridge!”

“We’re not even in South Carolina anymore!” Harley yells. “We’re in fucking Georgia!”

“Do you think I don’t know we’re in Georgia?”

“I know you know we’re in Georgia,” Harley retorts, “because when we crossed the state line you shouted what the fuck are we doing in Georgia!”

“I think the woman lied to us,” Peter whispers into the camera.

[Cut]

The car is silent. No music. No engine. Nothing.

Tony sits with his head resting on the wheel. Harley is in the back, glaring at his phone. The camera turns to Peter’s phone, where he’s googled the Iron Man museum. The map clearly states to go right on Seymour. There is no bridge.

[Cut]

“Maybe we should just have a vacation in Georgia,” Tony sighs. “There’s plenty of things to do in Georgia, right?”

“We could go noodling,” Harley suggests.

[Cut]

“So, we got lunch,” Peter tells the camera, pointing it at a faded diner with no cars in the parking lot besides theirs. “Mr Stark banned the word noodling from the car. I think we’re just gonna… hang out in Georgia for a bit.”

[Cut]

In the back of Tony’s Audi, Peter whispers, “The further South we drive, the more Harley’s accent comes back.”

He points the camera towards the front seat. “Well, I know a flux capacitor ain’t a permanent fix,” Harley says, his accent clearly less hidden than it was earlier in the video. “But I’m just saying it could work until we get—”

[Cut]

“LIFE IS A HIGHWAY,” everyone in the car sings. “I’M GONNA RIDE IT ALL—NIGHT—LONG.” The camera bounces to the tune. “IF YOU’RE GOING MY WAY—”

[Cut]

There is field in every direction; endless, rolling grass and crops under a clear blue sky. Peter, leaning against the side of the Audi, brings the camera in close.

“God, I hate fields.”

[Cut]

Harley leans over the side of a fence, patting a cow on its flank. The cow moos and flicks its tail. Tony blinks at the animal and looks over at Peter.

“I hate the country,” he says.

“I knew there was a reason I liked you,” Peter replies.

Behind them, Harley shakes his head.

[Cut]

“I’m not saying I don’t care about Star Wars,” Tony says, the music down low. The camera is in the backseat, looking out the front window. “But I just don’t think about it all the time, you know? They’re solid movies, but they’re not, like, my life or anything. I’m a superhero. I’ve got more important things to think about, like—”

“Whoa, whoa, shut up,” Harley interrupts.

“Hey—”

“No, seriously. Stop the car.”

“I’m not—”

“Stop the car!”

Tony looks in the rear-view mirror and the car stops. “What is it?”

“Look at that.”

The camera shuffles to look out the window, where there’s a long, empty field.

“What am I looking at?” Peter asks.

“The sign.”

“…Holy shit.”

“Oh, my god,” Tony huffs. “Well we have to go.”

“Mr Stark—”

“We have to.”

The camera zooms in on the sign until the words are clear: SPIDERMAN MUSEUM. 2 MILES.

“We have to,” Tony repeats.

[Cut]

Harley has the camera trained on his face, and he rolls his eyes. “I’m starting to think superhero museums in the South are a conspiracy,” he says. “They’re just here to lead unwitting tourists to their deaths.”

[Cut]

“Do you think that’s it?” Harley frowns.

“It can’t be,” Peter replies, off screen.

“It’s got the sign,” Tony replies. “I think that’s it.”

[Cut]

There’s a shed standing at the edge of a field. There’s a gate, which Tony climbs over instead of unlatching, and the boys follow behind him, Harley carrying the camera as they go. Outside, there’s a cardboard sign in the grass, reading SPIDERMAN MUSEUM: OPEN FOR BUSN BUSINESS. Above the door, there’s another similar one, painted in red and blue acrylic paint.

It’s a shed. Nothing much else. Maybe a good sized one, slightly larger than your run-of-the-mill free standing shed in the middle of nowhere. It’s creepy, that’s for sure. But it’s difficult to be creepy in blazing sunlight, and Tony glances back at the boys as they get in close, seemingly fine with the whole thing.

“It’s weird, but—”

“I wouldn’t call it a museum,” Peter says.

[Cut]

They reach the door and Tony knocks.

“Did you just knock?” Harley asks. “It’s open for business. Just go inside.”

“It’s a shed, Keener,” Tony retorts. “I’m not just going to walk into some guy’s shed.”

“I think we’re gonna have to,” Peter says. “No one’s opening up.”

Harley points the camera back towards the open sign, and then back to the door. “Go on then.”

Peter’s face flashes with nerves for a moment before he schools it and reaches for the door handle. With a slight tug, the door swings wide open by itself.

“Oh, my god,” Peter breathes.

“Holy shit,” Tony agrees.

Peter steps into the shed, slow and careful, and the camera follows, the light adjusting for the darkness of the room. Because that’s all it is – a room. Darkened, with fairy lights draped around the ceiling, flickering electric candle tea lights on the table and—

And a giant, framed photo of Spiderman front and centre.

“This ain’t a museum,” Harley says, “this is a shrine.”

[Cut]

There are close ups on the different parts of the shrine. In one corner, there’s a small wicker chair, fit with Spiderman cushions, and a hidden Avengers biscuit tin underneath, containing an assortment of cookies. On one wall, there’s a corkboard of news articles and clippings about Spiderman: how he took on the Vulture, and Rhino. Some smaller pieces about finding his identity, his appearance in the midst of the Avengers’ ‘Civil War’.

Then there’s the other wall, a collage of photos from magazines and online. Spiderman climbing out of the porta potty, Spiderman saving children, Spiderman and a burning building. There’s also a few, he noticed, of Spiderman and Harley, from his Snapchat stories, Spiderman taking a selfie with Tony, even a photo of that time Harley dressed in the Spiderman gear and lifted Peter in a bridal carry back when people thought Spiderman was dating his own secret identity.

The main, framed photo is surrounded by electric candles, and sits behind a small, metal box with a slot in the lid. THINGS YOU’D LIKE TO TELL SPIDERMAN is painted in white paint on the side.

[Cut]

Tony crosses his arms over his chest. “Anyone else feel like they’re in the Blair Witch Project?”

[Cut]

Peter huffs. “This is weird, right? Like, super creepy?”

“Yes,” Harley replies. “This is all kinds of creepy.”

[Cut]

They step back out into the field, Tony shutting the door behind them.

“I’m glad that’s over,” he muttered, when suddenly someone screams.

The camera whips around, finding a figure running across the field towards them.

“Customers!” the person cries. No, not just a person, a child. Small and wearing a comic book style Spiderman shirt. He stumbles to a stop just beside them, and grins widely up at them. He’s tiny, with dark skin, and a few Avengers comics in his hands.

“Welcome—” he huffs from the run. “Welcome to my museum.”

“This is your museum?” Tony asks.

The boy nods and then his eyes widen dramatically, and he freezes. “You’re… you’re…”

“Right, yeah, Tony Stark,” Tony says, crouching. “Nice to meet you. And you are?” He holds out a hand, and when the boy doesn’t move an inch, carefully reaches out and picks up the kid’s hand to shake. “You have a name, right?”

“Oh! Jason. I’m Jason.” His eyes are still very wide, and Tony smiles.

“Well, we just had a look around your museum, Jason, if you don’t mind. But if you’d like, I’m sure there are things you’d want to show us?”

Jason nods frantically, and then the group moves back into the shed. He places his comics down on the chair, and darts around, before suddenly seeming nervous.

“How many customers do you get?” Tony asks.

“Not many,” Jason replies. “But—but all my friends have been through, and I got a few tourists and they liked it.”

“Well, it’s pretty cool. You even collected all those reports about Spidey.” Tony nods to the corkboard.

“What’s your favourite one?” Peter asks.

Jason points to the one about Spiderman taking down a man dressed like a bee. Peter had made a lot of buzz off jokes that day. Then he squints at Peter and Harley in turn. “You look real familiar.”

Peter crouches down by the wall of photos, next to him in a bridal carry. He points at the photo, then himself, then back again. “The likeness is uncanny,” he says, before Jason squeals suddenly.

“No way! You all know Spiderman! My buddy Lucas says that he wears the mask because his face is actually a spider face – is that true?”

There’s a moment of quiet before Tony says, “No, but he can walk on the ceiling like a spider,” and Jason’s face lights up.

[Cut]

Jason practically vibrates with excitement as Tony signs his Avengers comics. The camera pans to Peter, staring wide-eyed at Spiderman’s giant photo.

[Cut]

They’re just leaving the shed when Jason cries, “Wait!”

The camera turns to the kid retrieving the small grey tin from in front of the photo. THINGS YOU’D LIKE TO TELL SPIDERMAN in bright white on the side as he thrusts it towards Tony’s hands.

“Can you give this to Spiderman? So he can see all the things we want to tell him?”

Tony grins. “Of course we can.”

[Cut]

They’re in the car, Peter taking the camera back, now in the front seat.

There’s a moment of quiet.

“It’s less creepy when there’s a kid running it,” he decides, and Harley and Tony immediately murmur their agreements.

[Cut]

White writing on a black background: THREE DAYS LATER.

[Cut]

Spiderman sits in his suit in the penthouse living room. In front of him is a grey tin with a slot in the lid.

“So, my good friends Tony, Peter and Harley came back from Georgia with a present for me,” he says, the voice modulator in his suit disguising him. “The museum looked super cool and I’m sad I missed it, but I get to read all these notes instead, so—”

He pries off the lid and pulls out the notes. They’re all written on ripped up strips of lined notebook paper.

“Spiderman, you’re my favourite hero – thank you so much! I think it’s really cool how you do the web thing and take down bad guys. The web thing is really fun – I actually have to make the webs, which is why I have the web shooters. Spiderman, I got an A on my book report, love Casey – good job, Casey! When I was a kid, my guardians always gave me ice cream when I got A’s – but I was a total nerd so we had to stop because I was getting ice cream after dinner every day and my guardians thought it was getting out of hand.”

Spiderman laughed and pulled out another slip. “Spiderman, I’m gonna be a hero like you when I grow up. I hope so – we can always do with more heroes, helping people out and doing their best.” He pulled out a slightly larger piece of paper and paused before reading it aloud. “Spiderman, when we were in New York last summer, our car was stuck in that massive pile up on the Brooklyn Bridge. Our daughter, Katie, was trapped in the backseat, and we thought she would die in the fire. You…” Spiderman coughed. “You saved her. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”

Spiderman placed the strip carefully on the table. “I’m—I’m glad Katie’s alright,” he said. “Thank you to everyone for your kind messages. We’ll, uh, we’ll be sending this tin back to Georgia so Jason can keep collecting them – you’re doing a great job, kid. A great job.”

[Cut]

Royalty free music plays as the title card reappears: the events of the stark-parker-keener road trip

a film by peter parker

Featuring:

Tony Stark (as the begrudging father-figure)

Harley Keener (as the annoying older brother)

Peter Parker (as the dutiful, good son who never does anything wrong ever)

Jason (as the best museum-owner in Georgia)

Spiderman (as himself)

There’s quiet after the credits fade. A black screen. Then:

[Cut]

Tony films out of the car window, to where a river runs alongside a long, dirt road. On the other side of the river, Harley sits on a horse, a long rope leading from him back to Peter, crouched on a snowboard in the river.

“This is a bad idea,” Tony says quietly, as Peter yells, “Let’s go!”

Harley gets the horse in motion, and Tony drives alongside, keeping up as the rope pulls taut, and Peter is being sped through the water on his board, feet locked into place. Laughter takes over, the camera shakes, and Peter surfs down the stream, whooping as he goes. He lifts a hand in the air and even flips the board to the side, changing his forward foot over.

Harley cackles from atop the horse.

Peter looks over to Tony, in the car, and yells, “How fast are we going?”

“Twenty?”

Peter waves at Harley. “Go faster! Go faster!”

The boys speed up and Tony says, “Twenty-five, thirty…”

Peter yells from the board, the sound breaking off into a laugh as he drops the rope and slows out of sight of the camera.

“Dumbass boys,” Tony says, shaking his head.

Harley easily turns the horse around, trotting back towards Peter.

He grins, and calls, “Wanna go again?”

[End]