Chapter Text
After four cups of tea and a redbull, Louis finally stopped complaining about how long the road had been, his head now pillowed on Zayn's lap as he texted Harry quietly. Ever since he had arrive he had been all but glued to Zayn's side, touching at all times even though Zayn kept reassuring him that he was doing fine.
But Zayn could see the insecurity in Louis's voice, the way his features shifted sadly whenever Zayn stayed silent a little too long or how Louis kept staring at him as though wondering if Zayn was really there.
In the end, it drove Zayn slightly insane but he wanted to reassure his friend just as much as he wanted Louis to reassure him, so he stayed silent, running his fingers through Louis's fringe as the other boy grunted.
"Are you sure you want to tell Liam all of it?" Louis finally asked as he flipped through the channels, settling on some dated chick flick that his sisters loved.
Up to now they had avoided talking about pretty much every thing, be it the past or the present, yet Zayn knew this conversation had to happen even though he was far from ready for it. Truth was, he had spent the last few days trying to figure out how to explain things to Liam, how to make sense of the mess in his mind but mostly how to change his habit, how to regain control without freaking out.
He had also spent a lot of time thinking about Sophia, making up horrible scenarios in his mind even though he knew none of them would be true because even though he had panicked and left Liam without a chance to explain, deep down Zayn knew perfectly well that Liam only loved him.
Then again, he wasn't exactly sure at what point he had so calmly accepted Liam's feelings for him or admitted his own, but somewhere through the thick fog, and self doubt, a wall of loving clarity had hit him, making it all the more important for Zayn to figure out how to explain his past to Liam.
"He deserves to know, Louis," Zayn finally replied, pulling a few strands of his friend's hair to keep his attention before stroking the brown hair back, reminiscing mirror-like nights that seemed to be from another lifetime. "I can't date someone that doesn't know me."
"This doesn't define you Zayn," Louis started to argue but Zayn stopped him, pressing his hand over Louis's mouth until the other man licked it.
"Gross," he groaned as he whipped his hand on his jeans, before going back to pet Louis's hair. "And I know it doesn't define me, but it's still part of me. I can't pretend it never happened. It's not right."
"Fine," Louis grumbled as he reached back to flick Zayn's ear, earning a glare that he matched half-heartedly. "Are your things all ready?"
Rather than answer, Zayn shrugged, uncertain whether he was in fact ready to go home but knew that the longer he waited, the worse he would make things. And truth be told, he missed his friends, wanted to eat Harry's food and have a staring contest with Niall. Mostly however, he wanted to spend a few hours wrapped in Liam's arms, hopefully in silence so he could collect his thoughts, catch his breath and think clearly.
He knew Louis was afraid that talking about the past might trigger him again, and Zayn was just as scared but he also knew that having Liam right next to him would soothe him and hopefully allow him to say the things he had been unable to for years.
In fact, he had barely said the word since the event other than in therapy, preferring to let the memory fade to the back of his mind in a place that it felt more like a movie than reality. It was a horrible coping mechanism really, but it was one that had permitted him to stay afloat for years when he felt like he had nothing to kept him alive. But now he felt different, stronger, not only in love with Liam but also in life, in himself and after all he had promised that nothing would drag him down again.
"Yeah, lets go home babe," Zayn said with an uneasy smile, texting Niall to make sure he would be around the flat later, needing all his friends around him. He knew it was probably unorthodox, telling Liam everything that had happened with all their friends around them, but Zayn knew if he did it by himself he would never manage to say it, would probably shut down all together and in the end, it would be completely useless.
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It was late afternoon by the time they made it back to London, their flat barely illuminated, nothing but candles covering the living room to welcome them home. There was the smell of chocolate chip cookies that enveloped them as they walked in, making Zayn sigh contently as he sagged into Louis's side, accepting the arm wrapped around his waist to keep him standing.
Almost immediately, Harry was wrapped around him, holding him just as tightly as Louis had that same morning, his broken sobs pressed into Zayn's neck, making him flinch.
"I'm fine love," he whispered, not exactly certain who he was trying to convince at that point although it was obvious that Harry needed comforting. When Niall appeared in the doorway, a gloomy pale look on his face, Zayn passed a crying Harry over to Louis to walk straight into Niall's arms, a sudden ache squeezing at his heart.
"You look like shit," Zayn breathed into Niall's shoulder, clinging to his friend desperately.
"That's your fault you absolute tosser," explained Niall, his own fingers digging into Zayn's back, holding on tightly to his red Henley. Zayn appreciated the honesty, always had when it came to Niall. He always knew exactly what he would get and it made him feel normal, less like the fragile kid that needed to be handled with white gloves that others often made him feel like.
When they separated, Zayn allowed his hand to trail down Niall's arm, lacing their fingers together, still seeking the connection even though he knew he was ok, that the voices had died out slowly.
"Where's Liam?" he asked after a few moments, obviously surprised that the other man wasn't here to welcome him back even though he knew what Harry would answer before he even said it. "He wanted to give me space, make sure I wanted him here didn't he?"
Harry nodded in reply, untangling himself from Louis to walk towards Zayn, taking hold of his free hand. "I'll call him if you want, he'll be over in a second."
"I think that would be good," Zayn agreed letting himself fall back into the couch, content when Niall sat next to him, still pressed into his side. Harry smiled at the gesture before heading towards his room, no doubt to get his phone. Louis on the other seemed quite hesitant, standing near the door with his hands in his pockets, a look of pure terror etched into his face.
"You don't have to do this Louis, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," Zayn said quietly, knowing how much his best friend struggled with talking about what had happened.
"If you can do it, so can I," argued Louis as he tore off the beanie from his head, pulling at his own hair before sighing and at that point Zayn knew better than to disagree with Louis, so he stayed silent, pressing the cold tip of his nose into Niall's collarbone as he waited for Liam to arrive.
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Seeing Liam felt a bit like a kick to the gut, making Zayn sink a little deeper into the couch as Niall squeezed his hand tighter.
"Hi," muttered Liam as he stood awkwardly by the door, Harry standing behind him as he pushed him towards the couch facing Zayn.
"Hi," Zayn echoed, his fingers itching to reach out, to touch Liam and make him smile again but he knew that the physical contact wouldn't help, in fact it would most probably make the rest of the conversation even more difficult.
"You look good," Liam added as he sat on the edge of his seat opposite of Zayn, Harry sitting right next to him and Zayn couldn't help but laugh, a genuine burst of laughter that surprised everyone.
"You need to have your eyes checked."
"Yeah mate," Niall added, giving Zayn a once over before looking back at Liam. "Zayny here looks like the walking dead, probably since he's been away from you for so long. Dude can't handle being away from you."
"Thanks Nialler," groaned Zayn as he punched his friend in the shoulder, rolling his eyes as he grinned at Liam, not feeling the need to deny Niall's words.
Zayn couldn't help but allow his eyes to linger on Liam's form, taking in the familiar features that made his heart skip a beat. He knew he probably looked like a loved out idiot, knew that he should probably concentrate on the issue at hand but for a minute he allowed himself the pleasure to admire Liam, feeling lucky to have him in his life.
"So why the fuck was this Sophia person in your flat?" Louis finally blurted out, earning himself a slap from Harry and a death stare from Zayn.
"Oh please," bemoaned Louis as he rubbed the back of his head. "I just asked the question everyone wants answers to. Lets just get all this shit over with yeah. Family meetings really aren't my thing."
"Its fine," Liam said as he looked back at Zayn, rubbing his hands up and down his thighs as if nervous. "It's really nothing. Sophia's ex started stalking her flat and she got worried. Her mother called me because she knew I was in London too, thought I could maybe freak the guy out but I was worried for her well being too so I told her she could just crash at my place since I was never there anyways. I didn't mention it because she asked me not to. She felt stupid for needing my help, was proper pissed at her mother for asking me to do this. She was embarrassed and she said when she met you she wanted it to be at a good time, not something like this, I swear, nothing ever happened."
"I know," Zayn grinned softly, completely accepting of the situation. It sounded exactly like something that golden-hearted Liam would do, making Zayn proud of the man he called his boyfriend, even though a part of him still felt uneasy. His trust issues were too deeply rooted to be changed so quickly, something he knew he would have to work on for years. Accepting Liam's explanation however was easy since he had spent the last three days repeating to himself that Liam was not the cheating type, that he was too good and too pure to do such a thing, and in his heart Zayn knew that Liam would never lie to him, even less so with all his friends sitting around him.
It then dawned on Zayn that it was his turn to explain his reaction, something that would no doubt be a lot less easy and quick. Sighing, Zayn forced his gaze in Louis's direction nodding slightly before pushing himself off the couch, needing the space as he paced the living room.
It took him a few minutes to get his thoughts into order, trying to formulate the words that would properly explain why he had reacted the way he had. He knew deep down that it was all a bit irrational, that nothing he did made sense to most people but he also knew that he couldn't help the way he felt. He had strained under the overwhelming need for control his entire life, a battle he had often lost and still felt as though he did not fully understand to this day even though he had to deal ith it daily.
"You know I've struggled with depression for a long time," Zayn finally started as he stared at the floor, unconsciously picking at the skin on his fingers. "It was a build up I guess, of years of
bullying and being the target of racism and just being an introvert that had a really hard time adapting to his surroundings. I don't know. But for as long as I could remember, I always felt out of place, never had the best of self confidence either."
"Zayn," Liam cut in, but was quickly shushed by Louis who looked at him almost murderously.
"Let him finish," Louis said, voice ice cold, a tone Zayn never remembered hearing before but rather than argue with Louis, he kept going, knowing that if he stopped now, he might never start again.
"Like I was saying, I've always had self confidence issues I guess and after a while, I kind of spiralled down into a depressive episode. I barely talked or ate, didn't really leave the flat anymore and every time I did, I felt like I was drowning, completely out of control. I wanted nothing more than to gain control again, and I couldn't figure out how. One night, I don't know why but I punched a mirror, sliced my hand open and somehow..it made me feel better. And I knew it was stupid, knew it made no sense but it gave me what I craved, control. So I started hurting myself I guess, purposely, until one day cutting or burning didn't have the same effect anymore. It didn't give me the relief i needed to get through the day. I couldn't take it, couldn't ask for help because I was ashamed and disgusted with myself for what I was doing so I tried to..I tried to"
"He tried to kill himself," Louis finished after a minute of silence, his own voice resonating Zayn's own broken tone. "I found him unconscious in his room, I thought he was gone."
"But I wasn't," Zayn added, his voice barely above a whisper as he turned his back to his friends. Even after all this time he still struggled to talk about it, to face the people he love and try to explain why he had done what he had done. To this day he still was uncertain what had led him so far down the line, now happy that he hadn't succeeded even though he still struggled daily. "My reaction to seeing Sophia was stupid, I know that, but it felt like the past repeating itself, like the universe was mocking me, reminding me that I would never be good enough for anyone. I lost control and it scared me."
"So you ran," Liam added, "until your lungs burned and you felt numb."
Zayn frowned at the words as he turned around, looking directly at Liam who stood slowly as though not to stagger him. "How did you know?"
"That's what I do after a bad fire, when we lose a life or something goes wrong. I told you about it, how it helped me focus, helped me clear the haze in my mind until I felt normal, until I felt-"
"In control," finished Zayn, taking a step forth until he could rub his face in Liam's jumper, inhaling until his lungs hurt and his eyes prickled with tears. "I used your coping mechanism without realizing it."
"I guess you did," Liam conceded after a minute, his strong, warm palm coming to rest upon Zayn's back, thumbing soothing circles into his skin. "I wish I had been there, to help you."
"We didn't even know each other, Liam," Zayn sighed as he clung to the man before him, forgetting that his friends were still gathered around them. "There's nothing you could have done."
"Maybe not," agreed Liam. "But I would have tried anything to make your life better, to make you happy."
"It's a good thing I survived then," whimpered Zayn.
"It's a good thing you did," Liam echoed, brushing a kiss along Zayn's mouth as he pushed a piece of hair away from his face. "I guess it’s a good thing you lost your phone that night."
"I guess it is," Zayn agreed, marveling at the coincidence, his heart finally at peace even though it was beating out of control. Only then did he realize he didn't need the control after all. He only an alternative that life had offered him on a platter with a passcode so easy, that it was literally the
alternative that life had offered him on a platter with a passcode so easy, that it was literally the same as his own.