Chapter Text
"A little iguana-parrot with a skull faceplate told me you're due in Gaoling next month," Toph said without preamble, in her best conniving tone. "Guess what's not boring and politic-y and happening while you're there! Here's a hint: it'll rock your world."
Zuko sighed because the pun was that bad, and almost wished that the guard at his office door wouldn't just let Toph barge in as she pleased. But otherwise they kept having to replace doors, and those things didn't come cheap. "Toph, I'm working."
"That's all you ever do these days!" Toph complained. "All I can feel is you signing a bunch of stupid papers. Get a stamp, genius. Here, I'll even make one for you." She grabbed a stone paperweight off his desk, changed its shape, and hurled it at the Fire Lord.
Zuko caught the object reflexively and blinked at the characters standing in relief from the stone. Well, at least Toph was getting better at writing; they were almost legible. Fire Lord Zuko The Worst, they proclaimed. Although she'd used the wrong character for his name.
"You're losing your touch," he commented, then topped that insult with: "Lady Not-So-Toph Bei Fong." Pun times with Sokka were really starting to pay off, and one bad pun deserved another.
"Writing big words is hard," Toph complained, not dignifying his attempted humor with a response. "Come on, Zuko, we never have fun anymore. I've hardly even seen you since our field trip with Kuei, and that was last year! Come fight Earth Rumble Twelve with me. You know you want to!"
The use of his actual name caught Zuko by surprise more than anything else, as did the amount of time that had passed since that particular adventure. Toph must be really serious about this.
"I'm not an earthbender," he still protested.
"So use those swords of yours," Toph retorted. "You're crafty as shit and you dodge like a rabid monkey-weasel, that ought to get you past the first few rounds."
Zuko raised his eyebrow, though the corner of his mouth quirked into a smile. "Would you really be happy just getting past a few weak-ass opponents, Toph?"
"Every opponent's ass is weak compared to mine. I'm the greatest earthbender in the world!"
Zuko didn't know whether to snicker or facepalm. Toph was eighteen now, she had to know how that sounded. To be completely fair though, the earthbender did indeed have a very strong ass, and pair of thighs to go with it that most athletes would envy.
"But I can see where you're coming from," Toph continued, and Zuko wished she would stop baiting the trap for him to take her analogies literally so she could crow a victorious, "I'm blind, you asshole!" at him. He wasn't Sokka. It wasn't going to happen.
"Like me, you naturally want to face off against the best. Now there's a storyline I could pitch to the producers and they'd eat it up like the slimy money-grubbing snake-swine they are. The swordsman fights his way up the ranks of the earthbenders, becoming a crowd favorite as he goes, until he's pitted against the very best! And just when it looks like he's going to get his fucking ass beat, he reveals himself as a firebender! And still gets his fucking ass beat, since Gaoling's still pretty sore over the war and a crowd of Earth Kingdom citizens would eat that shit up. Now there's a Rumble that might go down as the greatest of all time."
Zuko couldn't help but be drawn in to the drama. "That's basically the plot of Elemental Deceptions," he said, referring to a recently popular play, then stopped himself. What was he doing, he should be fucking working. "And anyway, I can't. I'm the Fire Lord. It's dishonorable to accept monetary compensation from other nations. Even by winning it honestly."
"Who said anything about winning, Oh-Great-And-Mighty Fire Lord? And no one needs to know who you are! Fighters wear costumes!"
Zuko's eyes narrowed. "Who said anything about losing?" he countered.
Toph's grin was that of a tiger-shark who'd suddenly found herself in the middle of a school of cat-fish. "Oh, you're so on, motherfucker."
"Fine," Zuko sighed, hiding a small smile behind the hand pinching the bridge of his nose. He knew he gave in to Toph way too easily, but let it never be said he did so without a fight. Although it was more often a physical fight than a real trial of will. He wasn't sure about everything Toph had proposed, but the basic idea sounded way more fun than the meditation weekend Aang had tried to rope him into just the other day. Zuko had a sneaking suspicion that his mother must have felt that he still wasn't taking enough time off, and enlisted the help of his friends.
"As long as my costume isn't stupid," he hastily added before Toph could go too crazy.
Toph cackled. "Leave that to me."
"The fuck I will! You're colorblind."
"I was going to ask Ty Lee! Everyone reacts to her like she's got good fashion sense!"
Zuko sighed, wondering how Toph even defined fashion. Probably by fabric weight and texture. "Ty Lee is hot, Toph. That's why people react to her like that."
"She is not! Have you ever even been around yourself when you're angry? Now that's hot!" Toph's stomping, arm-waving imitation was starting to crack the tiles on the floor.
Right. That was the wrong colloquialism to use for someone sensitive to differing body temperatures. Zuko rubbed at the beginnings of a headache and tried again. "Ty Lee is sexy. That's what I meant."
"Well, then she'll definitely know how to put together a good costume! Sexy sell more tickets."
Zuko buried his face in his hands. "I am not fighting in an animal-skin loincloth and some stupid feathered carnival mask," he groaned, knowing Ty Lee's gaudy circus tastes all too well.
Toph almost fell over laughing. Zuko scowled at her, although after he tried picturing Sokka in the getup he'd just described he supposed he could see what she found amusing about the mental image. Anyway, it was not going to happen, both because he had dignity, and because he had to stay anonymous. "Besides, some people might recognize my scar."
"You'll be wearing a mask, idiot." Toph wiped tears of laughter from the corners of her milky eyes.
"Not that scar," Zuko frowned. "My lightning scar."
"Why should that be strange? Don't a lot of people get hit by lightning?" Toph sounded genuinely curious.
"Not a lot of those people still walking around." Zuko supposed that when he was twelve, he would also have willingly dissociated lightning and kill shot in order to keep his sanity, especially if his friends kept winding up getting hit with the stuff.
"Oh. But not too many people know about that, right? You're pretty much always wearing a shirt in public."
Rolling his eyes would be useless, but he did it anyway. "I always wear a shirt in public. And pants. And lots of other stuff, too."
"So when they see you in a loincloth, no one's going to guess it's you! Anyway, haven't you worn the same outfit every day for like, the past six years now? Katara always describes you the same way when I ask."
"It's traditional. And there are three different sets of robes I get to pick between." Although he almost always picked the same ones since he hated tripping over his own clothing, and yeah he could kind of see her point now.
"Whatever. The point is, people are idiots and they've seen you look the exact same for the past six years, unless you're suddenly capable of growing facial hair, so the second you show a little skin no one is going to recognize you."
Zuko would have her know he'd been shaving since he was thirteen, thank you very much, and the fact that it had been his scalp didn't count, it was the same skill after all. "I don't have to show any skin," he protested instead. If the Blue Spirit wasn't still a wanted criminal - and he had to do something about that eventually, or knowing his luck it would find some spectacular way to get thrown back in his face - he would have suggested that character for the Rumble.
"What did I just tell you?" Toph sounded fed up now. "Sexy sells tickets." Zuko cursed whoever had explained to her that less clothes equals stupider reactions from sighted people of the preferred sex.
The earthbender continued. "And Mai's not the only person who thinks you fit the bill, so I'm going to guess you could make me a bunch of money… to donate to Aang's Air Temple restoration fund." She crowed the last bit triumphantly, and damn it Toph knew just how to appeal to the leader of a nation who wanted to make reparations but also didn't want to bankrupt his own economy while doing so.
Even if his mind was still caught up on her mention of his ex, which caused an involuntary spike in his heartrate which Zuko was only slightly embarrassed to know that Toph had observed. "Mai said she thinks I'm sexy?" And his voice betrayed him now too, sounding ridiculously pleased, so he gave himself a mental slap in the face to get his thoughts back into their usual pessimistic outlook. "How long ago was this?"
"Last month. She's totally still into you," Toph … didn't sound like she was lying. And she knew that Zuko was still totally into Mai. "Although Katara told me your abs look like a washing board, which I think was supposed to be a good thing unless she just meant you have a bunch of soap stains on them, because she's totally still into Aang."
"I suppose the lightning scar could look like an allergic reaction to soap," Zuko mused, noting down that as a possible explanation for large patches of angry-looking red skin, and wondering why he hadn't just used that explanation for his face back when he was trying to hide out in the Earth Kingdom.
"That makes sense I guess, since Aang got hit by lightning too."
Zuko had learned to appreciate Toph's leaps of logic over the years, as good training to infer when someone was missing information or had a vastly different perspective, but they still made his brain whirl sometimes. Probably no one had ever told her that Aang had been hit on the back, or maybe she thought it would have scarred both sides of his torso. Zuko resolved to be more precise when describing things to her from now on, although he supposed that maybe Toph just didn't bother keeping track of information about appearances since it was useless to her.
"Just tell Ty Lee I want a shirt. And pants. Non-negotiable."
"You got it, Sparky!" Toph was cackling as she left - using the door, thank Agni for small favors - and Zuko was determined to figure out later what was so funny about that, even if he had to ambush the little shit the second she set foot on tatami and shout at her until the souls of her ancestors begged for mercy. He should have remembered that iguana-parrot sightings were usually followed by a world of pain.