Chapter Text
Bruce: Um, hello, my name is Bruce Wayne, I'm the owner of Wayne Enterprises and the head of this family.
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Richard, Timothy, Damian, an unidentified young man and a blonde teenage girl are standing by the pool on the side across from Bruce, all in swimsuits and T-posing, while Bruce stares back at them with the eyes of a dying man and a mug of black coffee in hand.
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Barbara: My name is Barbara Gordon, and it's pretty obvious I'm not actually one of Bruce's kids. I joined the family as Dick's girlfriend, and even though we're not dating anymore, I stayed because they like me more than him anyway.
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"Suck my ass, Grayson," Barbara said calmly before somehow wheeling her chair backwards down one of the manor's flights of stairs. Throughout the whole ordeal, she didn't flinch. Not even once. Her burning glare directed at Richard remained unwavering.
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Richard: Hey there, I'm Dick Grayson! As you all know, I'm the oldest and the wittiest and the gossip in Gotham city is insidious-
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Richard, along with the unidentified young man and blonde teenage girl dance what seems like a practiced choreography, each singing what also seem to be practiced lines. The stranger is wearing a red dress, Richard a blue one and the blonde a yellow one. One of the most prominent lyrics in the song seems to be "Work," sung repeatedly on multiple occasions.
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Cassandra: Cassandra Cain.
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An ice cream truck is in view and there's a crowd of children, but not in line for ice cream. They're watching something. In the middle of them all is Cassandra, breakdancing to the ice cream truck's jingle flawlessly. All of the children gaze at her in awe. Off-camera, her brothers can be heard cheering her on. The camera turns to Bruce, who is recording everything on his own phone and radiating pride.
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Stranger, Male: If any of us had done that, he would have disowned us. It's classic Bruce favoritism. I bet Goldie misses it now that it's all handed to Cass.
Interviewer: Who are you again?
Stranger, Male: The name's Jason. Podd.
Interviewer: That sounds an awful lot like Jason Todd, who we know for a fact is dead.
Jason: Hey, lady, I'm dead too!
Jason: On the inside.
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Off-camera, Damian and Timothy duet a scarily-accurate rendition of the famous badly-played flute version of "My Heart will Go On," while the camera shows newly-dubbed Jason staring out a window broodingly, wearing a black shirt that has the words "Daddy Issues" written in yellow.
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Stranger, Female: I don't know why I'm unidentified?? I hang out with Tim all the time!
Interviewer: We're very sorry. Could you please introduce yourself either way?
Stranger, Female: So, hello viewers! My name is Stephanie Brown and I practically live in the manor because Tim and Cass are my best friends, but also because Bruce secretly loves me and wants to adopt me, no matter what he says to state otherwise!
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"Dad," Stephanie addresses Bruce, walking into the dining room.
"Don't call me that," Bruce responds, not looking up from his newspaper and taking a sip of his ever-present coffee mug.
"Daddy," Stephanie tries instead, only to hiss and run away immediately after, laughing hysterically, as Bruce sprays her with a water spray bottle labeled "Children, behave."
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Tim: As you may all know, my name is Timothy Drake-
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Jason: I bet Tim's going to be a smartass in his introduction.
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Tim: -I'm currently the CEO of Wayne Enterprises, and future CEO of Drake Industries as well once I reach the age of twenty-one.
Interviewer: You seem to have a big life ahead of you!
Tim: ... Yes, you could say that...
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The scene is a gala, more specifically one of Lex Luthor's. Timothy, who is holding what seems to be an alcoholic beverage and sporting a tired frown, is finally caught by one of the interviewers attending.
"What are you drinking there, teenage CEO?" The interviewer asks cheekily at one point, extending her microphone out to better hear Timothy's response.
"Dumb depressed bitch juice," Timothy replies with no hesitation, before gulping it all down in one swing, never breaking eye-contact with the camera while doing so.
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Stranger, Female: I'm Harper Row!
Stranger, Male: And I'm Cullen Row!
Both, in unison: And you are watching Disney Channel!
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Stephanie: Oh yeah, before this program recording thingie started, we dared Harper and Cullen- you'll meet them later- to do this thing. Haha, this Disney thing! It'll be hilarious. I hope from the bottom of my heart they do it.
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A compilation of Harper and Cullen Row imitating the famous "Team Rocket" pose unprovoked during random periods of the day is shown to the viewers. The complete Team Rocket motto is recited every single one of the clips, with Alfred the Cat, who was somehow trained by the two to meow at the right time, participating as Meowth.
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Duke: Um, yo, I'm Duke Thomas and this house is a fucking nightmare.
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Richard: Duke is pissed because he tried convincing us to leave him out of this but ultimately failed.
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Tim: I was the one who awakened the Viner in Duke, so I'm hoping he'll sneak a vine or two in his introduction for me, since it slipped my mind at the time.
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A phone-recorded video is shown. The camera rustles a bit before revealing Duke Thomas, who winks at it before rushing over to a couch and grabbing a random book from the nearest table. He suddenly looks like he had been in that position for hours.
A young boy, Damian Wayne, walks into the room and suddenly a bucket of honey falls on him. There is a few seconds of demonic screeching before it pauses, Damian looking over at Duke threateningly.
"Isn't that Jason's bucket?" Duke raises an eyebrow, skimming the bucket briefly before looking back down at his book.
More demonic screeches are heard as Damian runs out of the room, shouting threats.
Duke smiles evilly at the camera and the video is cut.
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Damian: I am Damian Wayne Al Ghul and I am Bruce Wayne's only blood son, and therefore, the one true heir.
Interviewer: But, isn't Tim currently the W.E. CEO?
Damian: Every teacher needs substitutes from time to time, fool.
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"I feel like your son could really benefit from our school, given his... discipline problems," a lady was telling Bruce, standing on his doorstep.
"Hn," Bruce grunted for her to continue. Normally he would politely decline, but that particular morning he couldn't drink his coffee in his favorite mug because one of Damian's critters had taken a dump in it. That alone marked the rest of Bruce's day.
Damian glared at him from where he had come to see who had arrived, but Bruce decided to ignore him this time.
"Right," the lady continues enthusiastically. "It's an all-boys school so they don't get distracted and fall under the bad influence of lusty girls-"
"I'm gay," Damian immediately interrupts her. Her mouth drops into a stunned gape.
"I- Beg your pardon?" She splutters.
Damian mantains his poker face and looks her in the eyes.
"Then beg."
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Duke: The funniest part is that Damian later told me that he didn't actually know his sexuality. He just wanted to scare the lady away.
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Alfred: I am Alfred Penyworth. I've been the Wayne Family butler for a long time now. I make sure the manor stays in one piece, which as you can see is not an easy task. As the only adult in that household, it is quite exhausting.
Interviewer: "Only adult"? What about Bruce, Mister Pennyworth?
Alfred: I don't believe I stuttered at all, Miss.
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A compilation is showed to the viewers. It is seven minutes of Alfred raising a single eyebrow in displeasure. The caption reads "Behold, the Almighty Eyebrow!"
Even the most well-behaved of children feel a bit scolded when watching it.
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Bruce: Um... so I'm supposed to make a... closing statement?
Interviewer: [Off-camera] [nod]
Bruce: Well, I just want to thank everyone for watching, and I hope my family's... frolicking is of entertainment to you all.
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Jason: Wait.
Jason: He actually said "Frolicking?!"