Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Allison: ok look I have an idea

Neil: oh no

Allison: you’re not going to love it

Neil: I already said oh no

Allison: we should sign you up to tinder!

Neil: …how do you leave whatsapp

Allison: LISTEN

Neil: no

Allison: it’s not my fault you got drunk and told me all your secrets but since that happened already let’s just try to move past it

Allison: you said you didn’t know whether you didn’t like girls or didn’t like anyone??

Neil: I regret meeting you

Allison: SO don’t you think it’s time for a little… p a n s e x u a l  e x p e r i m e n t a t i o n

Neil: how long did it take you to type that

Neil: …Allison where did you go

Neil: ALLISON

Allison: ok so the good news is I’ve made you a profile

Neil: ffs

Allison: it’s your usual password darling now GO OFF INTO THE WILD I haven’t filled out the profile you’ll have to do that I wish you luck, happy sex-hunting

Neil: you can’t make me do this you know

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Name: Neil

Age: 21

Occupation: student

Likes: exy

Goals: staying alive

Favourite music: the rhythm of my shoes against the sidewalk

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Neil: I hate u

Allison: you did it!!

Neil: did I do it right

Allison: … neil srsly

Neil: what?

Allison: “likes: exy”

Neil: it said to put what I liked

Allison: no offence hun this is the worst profile I’ve ever seen

Neil: go away

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IT’S A MATCH!

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Neil: oshit oshit

Allison: what??

Neil: I matched with someone

Allison: yes!

Allison: but also, no offence…how

Neil: shut up what do I do this is all your fault HE’S SENT ME A MESSAGE

Allison: what does it say??

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Nixxxy: Hey...cutie…

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Neil: wtf am I supposed to say

Allison: is he cute?

Neil: I have no idea!

Allison: then why did you swipe right

Neil: I swiped right on the first five guys I saw

Allison: …

Allison: …

Allison: for fuck’s sake

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Nixxxy: what you up to darlin?

Neil: nothing. Texting you back I guess

Nixxxy: hahahaha yeah I get ya

Neil: what do you get?

Nixxxy: so, just wondering…

Neil: what

Nixxxy: does the rug match the curtains? ;)

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Neil: Allison do I want to know what that means

Allison: honestly, knowing you, probably not

Neil: ok

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IT’S A MATCH!

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Aaaron: hi

Neil: hi

Aaaron: is that the best you can do

Neil: you said it first!

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Neil: second guy was a bust

Allison: why what happened

Neil: he was an asshole

Allison: some people like that?

Neil: you’re an asshole

Allison: exactly!

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IT’S A MATCH!

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KevinD: hello nice to meet you. Who’s your exy team?

Neil: hi. New York Strikers, how about you?

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Neil: uh, I think I’ve just been dumped for poor taste in exy

Allison: by who?

Neil: by a fucking snob

Allison: we’ve talked about this, if you’re going to support a bottom ranking team you’re going to have people assuming you’re a terrible person

Neil: shut up

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IT’S A MATCH!

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Andrew: what

Neil: …hello

Andrew: what do you want

Neil: this is a weird conversation

Neil: we matched?

Andrew: that doesn’t answer my question

Neil: ok, uh… I guess I just wanted to see what this was all about

Neil: you know, this app and stuff

Neil: what do you want?

Andrew: wealth consists not in having great possessions, but in having few wants

Neil: …did you just google that

Neil: that doesn’t really answer the question

Andrew: I want nothing

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Neil: Allison this guy’s creepy

Allison: ok, creepy how?

Neil: i…have no idea let me get back to you

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Neil: r u…ok?

Andrew: do they teach you to spell whole words at college

Neil: ok asshole

Andrew: :)

Neil: …y r u smiling

Andrew: I’m not. I never smile. That was a text smile.

Neil: ok dude you’re a bit weird no offence

Andrew: what’s your major?

Neil: math

Andrew: good lord. Why?

Neil: hey I don’t question your values.

Andrew: ok

Neil: what about you?

Andrew: criminology

Neil: ok

Neil: if I ask why will you just tell me not to question your values

Andrew: almost certainly

---

Neil: ok

Allison: ok what? Creepy guy still being creepy?

Neil: yes

Allison: …and

Neil: …let me get back to you

Chapter Text

Neil: you still there?

Andrew: it depends what you want

Neil: dunno, just wondered if you were still there, bit bored

Andrew: well golly neil im flattered

Neil: how often are you on this thing anyway?

Andrew: my cousin installed it on my and my brother’s phones, hes trying to win worlds biggest waste of time award

Neil: why is it a waste of time?

Andrew: why are you bored

Neil: watching a movie with my friends

Andrew: I

Andrew: I don’t even know where to start

Neil: I don’t really like movies

Andrew: ok

Andrew: or friends?

Neil: well one of them is my friend, Allison’s my roommate, her girlfriend and best friend are both over

Andrew: what’s the movie called

Neil: dunno, there’s a singing crab?

Andrew: that could be a number of movies

Neil: wait a sec

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Neil: allison what’s this even called

Allison: why are you texting me im three feet away

Neil: I don’t know what the rules are no one’s said anything in a really long time

Allison: because we’re watching a movie!

Allison: moana

Allison: why are you so deficient

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Neil: moana

Andrew: what bit are you on

Neil: ok the singing crab has gone and now there’s… oh god there’s another song

Andrew: maybe pay attention to something other than yourself, you might learn something

Neil: cant I pay attention to you instead

Andrew: no

Andrew: and by the way she learns who she is by staring into the ocean and having a conversation with her dead grandmother that’s pretty cool asshole

Neil: you’ve seen this movie??

Andrew: nope

Neil: wait rly?

Neil: …andrew??

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Allison: who are you texting

Neil: im not

Allison: fine what essay are you writing on your phone and can i see pictures

Neil: im just on tinder this was your idea

Allison: ooh anything encouraging?

Neil: nope

Allison: o rly?

Allison: …neil??

Allison: hellooooo

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Neil: what’s your favourite movie?

Andrew: you decided to try to be interesting then

Neil: do tell me how I’ve nearly succeeded

Andrew: i don’t have a favourite movie because im not a child

Andrew: but if I played your stupid game it might be the perks of being a wallflower or benjamin

Neil: great, has anyone ever told you you’re super easy to talk to

Andrew: like you you mean

Andrew: “I hate friends and movies and also sunshine and happiness”

Neil: hey I like some things

Andrew: that’s a lie, you like one thing, unless your bio is a lie

Neil: oh well

Andrew: I hate liars

Neil: have you always been this goth

Andrew: excuse you

Andrew: and yes

Andrew: people have killed to be this goth

Neil: who did you kill to be that goth? Haha

Neil: …andrew?

---

Allison: hey bud do we need any gro cer iiiiieeesss

Neil: milk please

Allison: kk hun il be back at 6 hows it going

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IT’S A MATCH!

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MattyBoi: hey man! I like your profile pic nice smile 😊 😊 😊 how’s it going?

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Neil: honestly matching with objectively attractive guys is kinda exhausting

Allison: why are we friends

Neil: strong bisexual energy?

Allison: speak for myself, you’re more like a sleepy hedgehog bisexual

Allison: we don’t even know if you’re bi

Allison: so you’re really just a sleepy hedgehog

Neil: what

---

Neil: hey, yeah it’s going alright how about you?

MattyBoi: yeh great can’t complain! Life is good. You like exy huh? I’m a big fan! What’s your team?

Neil: New York Strikers

MattyBoi: hey cool man! Good for you

Neil: oh, do you like them too?

MattyBoi: oh uh well, no, they suck no offence

MattyBoi: but I’m really happy for you

MattyBoi: my team is Chicago Wild Hats

Neil: yeh ok, their goalie is pretty decent

MattyBoi: DECENT how dare you Sinead DECENT Flanagan is not her name

Neil: ha, what’s her name then, Sinead SAVED ONE GOAL AGAINST BOSTON Flanagan

MattyBoi: I think you’ll find it’s Sinead WOULD SAVE YOU TIL YOU CRIED Flanagan

Neil: must take a while to put on forms

MattyBoi: I hear ya

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Neil: hmm met a guy who might be alright :)

Allison: WHAT

Allison: WAIT

Allison: don’t you dare have a gay epiphany til I get home

Neil: im not having a gay epiphany calm down

Neil: what’s a gay epiphany

Allison: if you don’t know maybe you’re not having one, wait home in 20 x

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Neil: andrew can I ask you something

Andrew: I don’t know

Andrew: will it require me to take a tylenol

Neil: what’s a gay epiphany

Andrew: I

Andrew: I have honestly never been this frequently stunned into silence

Neil: is that a compliment?

Andrew: are you not gay?

Neil: to be honest I don’t know, I’m kinda here because my friend made me sign up

Andrew: your one friend, who you don’t even like

Neil: I didn’t say that

Andrew: your one friend whose company you tolerate even though she makes you watch movies and signs you up for gay dating, you, a straight

Neil: I’m not straight

Andrew: prove it

Neil: what are you 12

Andrew: send me a photo of a man you find attractive

Neil: that’s never really how it’s worked for me

Andrew: really

Andrew: maybe you’re not gay or straight

Neil: really?

Andrew: I’m not your fairy gaymother fucking google it

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MattyBoi: do you want to meet up for a coffee New York?

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Neil: someone asked me on a date

Neil: what do I say

Allison: do you want me crashing

Neil: stop texting and driving pull over!

Neil: allison??

Allison: ok ive pulled over what did he say

Neil: he suggested coffee

Allison: is this andrew?

Neil: what? No

Allison: are you still chatting to him?

Neil: a bit

Allison: ok who’s this guy then

Neil: think his name is Matty

Allison: well coffee is perfect because if he’s dull or ugly you’re in and out in 20 minutes tops

Neil: jesus what if im dull or ugly

Allison: hey you’ve never cared about that before

Neil: HEY

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MattyBoi: do you want to meet up for a coffee New York?

Neil: sure Chicago :)

MattyBoi: SWEET

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Neil: ok I said yes and now I want to die

Allison: it’ll be fine! Now shut up and let me drive home so we can panic as a team

Allison: pick a movie for once in your sad hedgehog life will you

Neil: ok, I’ve actually got a couple I wanna watch

Chapter Text

Neil: I watched benjamin

Andrew: why are you telling me

Neil: I think I liked it

Andrew: I’m happy for you

Neil: it was a bit sad though

Andrew: what’s your point

Neil: I dunno aren’t movies supposed to be fun?

Andrew: like this conversation you mean

Neil: :)

Andrew: it’s not even a sad movie, are you broken

Neil: I don’t know, it seemed like the guy found it really hard to talk to the other guy

Andrew: sometimes talking to people is hard

Neil: well, yeah, that’s why I found it sad

Andrew: do you find talking to people hard

Neil: yeah sometimes. I guess that’s partly why my friend signed me up to this

Andrew: I thought it was to figure out if you were gay

Neil: she said that was why, but she’s never cared before

Andrew: have you never been interested in anyone

Neil: nope. And I don’t really care, but I guess maybe she thinks I’m lonely or something

Andrew: are you

Neil: what

Andrew: ok nevermind

Neil: idk

Neil: are you?

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Neil: why aren’t you here I need you to DRESS ME

Allison: FINALLY

Allison: I KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME

Allison: wait switching chats

Neil: oh no please don’t

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Allison: LADIES, WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY

Dan: sweet I fucking love an emergency

Renee: how can I help??

Neil: I regret my actions

Renee: :)

Dan: oh a Neil emergency my favourite

Allison: neil can I tell them neil honey can I can i

Neil: no. I have a date. Don’t make a big deal out of it

Dan: OH MY GOD

Renee: oh neil I’m so excited for you!

Allison: damnit neil! My one moment of thoughtfulness and it backfired. This will teach me to be so considerate in the future

Neil: literally all I wanted was help picking a shirt

Neil: or a t-shirt

Neil: or… what else do people wear

Dan: I’m literally coming over

Renee: I can come later this evening! When’s your date?

Allison: yay! Fashion party!

Neil: it’s not until tomorrow, we’re just having coffee in the afternoon

Renee: ok, you can go pretty casual for a coffee, I wouldn’t worry

Allison: casually FABULOUS

Dan: I’M ON MY FUCKING WAY

Neil: great

Renee: do you mind if I ask, what species of creature has taken your fancy

Allison: A HUNK OF MAN

Dan: TEXTING AND WALKING IS STRESSFUL

Neil: I mean he’s a guy yeah

Renee: I’m so happy for you!

Allison: called it

Neil: you did not

Allison: I fucking did

Renee: start without me but send photos! Babe, a nice sweater maybe?

Allison: yes probably a good call

Neil: ok I don’t really need you all to fuss if the answer is “a nice sweater”

Allison: a good call AFTER WE’VE TRIED ON YOUR ENTIRE WARDROBE

Renee: “entire wardrobe” is a bit of a stretch

Neil: Renee

Renee: Neil

Renee: :)

Neil: fuck’s sake

Dan: I’M OUTSIDE

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MattyBoi: we still on for tomorrow??

Neil: yeah :)

MattyBoi: great! I’m really looking forward to meeting you

Neil: how will I know who you are, in the coffee shop

MattyBoi: you’ve seen my photo? Or do you mean do I look like my photo haha

Neil: oh, yeh, of course

MattyBoi: I promise it’s not a stock image! Haha!

Neil: right. No, mine isn’t either.

MattyBoi: you’re not much of a chatter, huh?

Neil: oh, sorry

MattyBoi: no don’t be! I get it, sometimes it’s easier to talk in person right?

Neil: right

MattyBoi: ok well I’ll see you at 3pm tomorrow? 😊😊

Neil: looking forward to it

MattyBoi: 😉

Neil: :)

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Andrew: tell me a joke

Neil: why am I going on a date

Andrew: I don’t know, why are you going on a date

Neil: no, I’m asking you

Andrew: I thought it was a joke

Neil: why would you think that

Andrew: I asked you for a fucking joke

Neil: oh yeah, I didn’t see

Andrew: jesus, is this why you find it hard to talk to people, because you're unintelligent

Neil: maybe

Andrew: self-deprecation isn’t attractive

Neil: I wasn’t trying to be attractive

Andrew: clearly

Andrew: though my answer remains the same

Andrew: why are you going on a date

Neil: I have no fucking idea honestly

Andrew: don’t go then

Neil: helpful

Andrew: you’re welcome

Andrew: someone on here?

Neil: yeah

Andrew: guy?

Neil: yeah

Andrew: exy?

Neil: stop being so incisive

Andrew: it’s not my fault you have as many layers as a rug

Neil: ???

Andrew: who’s this exy guy then

Neil: I don’t know much about him, he lives nearby, he likes chicago wild hats

Andrew: pathetic. their goalkeeper can’t save more than four goals in a row before she gets tired

Neil: …

Andrew: oh

Neil: andrew

Andrew: isn’t it funny, my wacky cousin stole my phone

Neil: no he didn’t

Andrew: and typed out a message, for a lark

Neil: no he didn’t!

Andrew: he’s always pulling shenanigans like that

Neil: ANDREW

Andrew: such a shenanigan puller, I’ll have to show him what for

Neil: you like exy??

Neil: …andrew?????

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Neil: ok if I promise to never mention it again will you come back

Andrew: I don’t trust “if”s

Neil: look I just want your advice

Andrew: that’s not a promise

Neil: I was hoping you wouldn’t notice that

Neil: will you help?

Andrew: do you even realise what you’re doing

Neil: what

Andrew: never mind. I don’t think I can give you advice on your date

Neil: but should I go?

Andrew: you clearly don’t want to, so why would you

Neil: I don’t know. Allison’s my best friend, I want to trust her. If she thinks this could be good for me maybe it could be

Andrew: you don’t trust your best friend

Neil: I just said I did?

Andrew: no you didn’t

Neil: oh well that’s what I meant

Andrew: sure

Andrew: go on the date then

Neil: yeah?

Andrew: what’s the worst that could happen

Neil: well lots

Andrew: give me your worst

Neil: he could find me boring

Andrew: I think it’s more likely he’ll find you infuriating

Neil: is that better

Andrew: after some thought, you’re right, it isn’t

Andrew: that’s really your worst case scenario?

Neil: why?

Andrew: he could be boring. You could be the one bored. He could be an axe murderer

Neil: eh

Andrew: did you just ‘eh’ an axe murderer

Neil: I’ve had worse

Andrew: what

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Allison: ok text me when you get there

Neil: I’m round the corner

Allison: ok! what’s our signal

Neil: do we really need a signal

Allison: NEIL

Neil: fine. I call you and ask how my sister’s doing

Allison: great. Fingers crossed today isn’t the day she’s dying!

Neil: yeh

Allison: don’t be nervous, that navy blue sweater really brings out your icy blue eyes my little cornflower

Neil: stop naming blues

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MattyBoi: I’m inside! See you soon!

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Dan: YOU’RE GONNA SMASH IT. Remember to BRING IT. You are a beast and he’d be lucky to sex you, don’t settle for less than a 9, *mwah*

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Renee: good luck neil! :) I’m sure you’ll have fun!

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Neil: gotta go, I’m at the coffee shop

Allison: GOOD LUCK BABY DOLL

---

Andrew: neil?

Chapter Text

Neil: um

Allison: what??

Allison: how’s it going

Allison: why are you texting me

Allison: where’s the Hunk

Allison: …NEIL WHAT

Neil: I have literally no idea what im doing

Allison: whats happening

Neil: he’s gone to get cake

Allison: aww

Neil: I don’t like cake

Allison: the things we do for booty

Neil: I am not doing this for booty

Allison: he doesn’t have a nice booty?

Neil: I resent you

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Andrew: fine I will tell you a joke, since you asked

Andrew: your tinder profile.

Andrew: see I can be funny

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Allison: team I think we might need an emergency meeting tonight

Dan: great

Renee: you are always so excited about emergencies, danielle

Dan: life is mundane

Dan: also don’t call me danielle

Allison: LADIES

Dan: sorry, go on

Dan: what’s the hip hap

Allison: neil is texting me from his date

Renee: oh dear, is it not going well?

Allison: from what I can gather he is interested in neither cake nor booty

Renee: there’s a joke here

Dan: oh man

Dan: this is your fault, al

Allison: shush

Allison: nothing is faulted yet, this might simply be a bad beginning

Dan: maybe he’s not gay?

Allison: look, maybe he’s gay and not attracted to Hunks of Man

Dan: …what else is there

Renee: the early booty catches the cake

Allison: is that your joke

Dan: what do you see in her

Allison: she has a nice ass

Renee: it is true

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Neil: omw

Allison: ok how did it go though??

Neil: tell you later

Neil: just want a quiet night ok no drama

Allison: suure

Allison: unless…

Neil: ffs

Allison: I just invited them round so we could analyse your date from every angle and work out whether you are incompatible with Hunk or with Men or with Humans

Neil: great

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Neil: sorry, was busy

Neil: I do not accept the premise of your joke

Andrew: and what premise is that

Neil: that you are funny

Andrew: you wound me

Neil: :)

Andrew: you went on your date then

Neil: yeh

Andrew: ok

Neil: you gonna ask how it went

Andrew: why would I do that

Neil: ok

---

Neil: seriously, I’m just gonna get take out and crash on the sofa

Allison: that’s ok we’ll crash NEXT to you

Allison: get enough for four

Allison: and get my girl some egg rolls

Neil: you know I can’t deny Renee anything

Allison: she says thanks

Neil: they’re there now??

Allison: we needed to mentally prepare for NeilGate

Neil: does my humiliation really need a name

Allison: it’s not humiliation! Seriously, do you really honestly not want our advice picking apart your personality and flaws?

Neil: well you make it sound so fun

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Renee: *is excited about egg rolls* 😊 thanks neil, but seriously just tell us if she’s making you uncomfortable

Neil: thanks renee, I will

Neil: I know she means well

Renee: but she can be kind of intense

Renee: she just wants you to be happy, you know?

Neil: I know

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Neil: tell me another joke

Andrew: I gave you comedy gold already and you didn’t even thank me for it

Neil: my profile isn’t a joke

Andrew: are you sure? Have you read it?

Andrew: let me read some to you

Andrew: imagine im clearing my throat

Andrew: *clears throat*

Andrew: “goals: staying alive”

Andrew: oh wait that didn’t take as long as I thought it would

Neil: I feel like you’re just being mean now

Andrew: hey

Andrew: it’s true

Neil: I didn’t know what to put

Andrew: how about… your ambitions

Neil: what are yours?

Andrew: why do you want to know

Neil: well you know I can’t resist these easy, sparkling conversations of ours

Andrew: now who’s being mean

Andrew: :(

Neil: don’t think you can fool with me a text face, that’s not a real life face

Andrew: aww

Andrew: he’s learning

Neil: stop deflecting

Andrew: sorry what are we deflecting I’m deflecting so well I can’t even remember

Neil: gotta go, home

Andrew: what a shame

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Neil: um, can I ask you a favour

Renee: sure what?? you ok?

Neil: um can you get her to stop calling me gay

Renee: yes, of course. is it making you uncomfortable?

Neil: I just, I thought the point of this was to help me work stuff out, and I feel like she just *wants* me to be gay

Renee: honey she wants everyone to be gay

Neil: …allison’s bisexual

Renee: I know, why do you think she has so many issues

Renee: I’ll talk to her

---

Renee: bathroom

Allison: booty?

Renee: boy talk

Allison: intriguing

---

Renee: she’ll back off

Neil: thanks

Renee: hand me the last egg roll and we’ll call it even

---

Neil: I’m exhausted

Andrew: do tell

Neil: my friends can be a little overbearing

Andrew: oh no

Andrew: they didn’t make you watch another movie did they

Neil: it was apparently necessary to spend the entire evening working out what went wrong with my date

Andrew: ah

Neil: yeh

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Neil: you’re quiet

Andrew: you know I don’t just exist on your phone screen right

Neil: oh, sorry

Andrew: shut up

Andrew: my cousin and brother are over

Neil: do you get on well with them?

Andrew: no

Andrew: they’re my closest family

Neil: ?

Andrew: everyone else is dead

Neil: …

Andrew: :)

Neil: right

Neil: sure I’d be closest to my two remaining alive family members if that’s what I had

Andrew: what do you have

Neil: oh

Neil: you know

Andrew: I literally don’t

Andrew: welcome to the conversation

Neil: I’m not close to them

Andrew: republicans?

Neil: british

Andrew: god, are you british?

Neil: no?

Andrew: hmm

Neil: what

Andrew: say ‘bottle’

Neil: we’re texting?

Andrew: say it

Neil: … bottle

Andrew: did you actually just say that out loud

Neil: my roommate has gone to bed

Andrew: so you’re just talking aloud to yourself then

Andrew: that’s better

Neil: did I pass

Andrew: I dunno, did it sound britishy

Neil: no

Neil: I only lived in europe for a few years

Andrew: huh

Neil: I’m going to sleep

Neil: night andrew

Andrew: sure

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Neil: u awake

Andrew: what

Neil: I think I should text him but I don’t know what to say

Andrew: why don’t you ask your friends

Neil: I’m asking you

Andrew: why

Neil: idk

Andrew: an entire evening spent dissecting your problems and they didn’t even teach you how to dump someone

Neil: oh god is it dumping?

Andrew: no, calm down

Andrew: just tell him you didn’t appreciate him making fun of the fact you’re british

Neil: he didn’t do that

Neil: I’m american

Andrew: I’ll believe it when you can pronounce bottle correctly

Neil: it’s not even pronounced that differently

Andrew: only a brit would know that

Neil: let it go

Andrew: no

Andrew: how do you expect me to advise you how to let someone down when you haven’t told me anything about the date

Neil: you never asked

Andrew: I will happily put my face back on my pillow, just say the word

Neil: you’re in bed?

Andrew: it’s 3 in the fucking morning

Neil: why are you awake?

Andrew: you ask a lot of questions

Neil: I really don’t, you’re just incredibly evasive

Andrew: I’m waiting

Neil: fine

Neil: it was

Neil: it was fine

Andrew: …

Neil: I don’t know

Neil: I have no idea what I’m doing

Andrew: clearly

Neil: I’ve never been interested in anyone in the way allison’s always going on about

Andrew: you didn’t want to fuck him?

Neil: jesus

Andrew: or have him fuck you?

Neil: no

Andrew: does that make you uncomfortable?

Neil: no

Neil: I don’t know

Neil: I just don’t really care

Andrew: ok

Andrew: tell him you just want to be friends

Neil: am I allowed to do that?

Andrew: depends

Neil: on

Andrew: did he talk to you about exy

Neil: yes

Andrew: then he’s passed all your criteria for friendship

Neil: mean

Andrew: what else is in your criteria

Neil: uh

Neil: idk

Neil: allison

Andrew: … allison is your criteria?

Neil: I wasn’t done

Andrew: …

Neil: well idk, what’s in yours?

Andrew: I don’t have friends

Neil: …

Andrew: I got family

Neil: …was that a joke

Andrew: it’s a quote from the best movie ever made

Neil: I don’t remember it from benjamin. Perks of being a wallflower?

Andrew: someone’s got a good memory

Neil: it’s queued on my to watch list

Andrew: great

Andrew: have you read the synopsis

Neil: no why

Andrew: idk

Neil: ok

Andrew: get allison to tell you what it’s about beforehand, so you can decide whether to watch it

Neil: um, ok sure

Andrew: ok

Neil: … so what’s the greatest movie ever made

Andrew: the fast and the furious

Neil: ok but

Neil: we’re having like three conversations and I keep losing track

Andrew: excellent

Neil: what’s your friendship criteria

Andrew: they don’t make me want to punch them in the face

Neil: ?

Andrew: most humans make me want to punch them in the face

Andrew: did date man?

Neil: no

Andrew: then tell him that, he’ll be thrilled

Neil: you’re really helpful

---

Andrew: ok

Andrew: you’re probably asleep

Andrew: tell him you enjoyed meeting him but didn’t feel a spark, and hopes he isn’t disappointed but you really enjoyed talking stick ball and want to stay friends

Andrew: try not to have a heart attack over it, these things happen

Andrew: now fuck off I’ve got a test tomorrow

---

Neil: thanks

---

Neil: hey matt. I enjoyed meeting you yesterday but didn’t feel a spark, I hope you’re not disappointed but I really enjoyed talking about exy. Do you want to be friends?

MattyBoi: neil! It’s nice to hear from you.

MattyBoi: yeah, it doesn’t seem like you’ve done this much before?

Neil: what do you mean

MattyBoi: no offence but that message sounds like you asked someone what to say to me and repeated it word for word

Neil: no it doesn’t

MattyBoi: 😊 no hard feelings man, I felt the same. That happens! Don’t feel bad about it

Neil: yeah?

MattyBoi: of course! I don’t, I just made a great new friend!

Neil: well. Thanks.

MattyBoi: do you want to watch exy together sometime?

Neil: oh, yeah! That’d be great actually. My roommate doesn’t understand the rules so it’s less fun with her

MattyBoi: allison, did you say? She sounded hilarious. Maybe I could come round some time?

Neil: sure

Neil: :)

MattyBoi: 😊😊😉😉

---

Neil: tell me a joke

Chapter Text

Allison: you know maybe we started this experiment off the wrong way round

Neil: what do you mean

Allison: well, it’s more likely you’re straight than gay, most people are

Allison: maybe we should find a lady-person to date you, balance the scale

Allison: yeh?

---

Neil: what you up to

Andrew: you can’t just ask someone that

Neil: no?

Neil: I just did though

Andrew: studying

Neil: really?

Andrew: I thought you were a college student

Neil: yeh

Neil: you’re like

Neil: eager though

Andrew: eager to be literally anywhere other than this conversation

Neil: ok

---

Neil: u wanna come over Friday?

Matt: yes!!! Falcons v Tornadoes!

Neil: :)

Neil: birds battling it out

Matt: yes! Well. Birds, and forces of nature

Neil: oh

Neil: yeh

Matt: can’t wait! Will your housemate be there?

Neil: probably

Neil: and I should warn you

Matt: ? 😊

Neil: she’ll invite her girlfriend and best friend

Neil: they’re pretty obsessed with you?

Matt: with ME

Matt: why

Matt: you been gossiping 😉

Neil: you were the first date I’ve been on since high school

Neil: their curiosity is literally boundless

Matt: INTERESTING

Matt: happy to provide entertainment to pretty ladies as long as there’s chips

Neil: haha

Neil: I didn’t say they were pretty

Matt: you didn’t say they WEREN’T

Neil: oh

Neil: hey

Neil: are you

Neil: um

Matt: ? yes sweetie?

Neil: bi?

Matt: yeh!

Matt: it’s on my profile?

Neil: oh

Neil: sorry, I didn’t notice

Neil: sorry

Matt: don’t be!! Doesn’t matter to me very much, I don’t exactly advertise it, just who I am. Does it matter to you?

Neil: no, allison’s bi

Neil: she thinks I am actually

Matt: and what do you think?

---

Neil: matt’s coming over Friday

Allison: that’s not an answer to my question

Allison: wait

Allison: TINDER matt

Allison: DATE TURNED FRIEND matt

Neil: I’m just letting you know

Allison: this is EXCEPTIONAL

---

Neil: sorry, I didn’t mean to annoy you

Andrew: you’re a particular brand of pathetic today

---

Andrew: neil

Andrew: what’s up

Neil: don’t worry about it

Neil: hope studying goes ok

Andrew: ok

---

Allison: can I invite the gang

Neil: can I stop you

---

Allison: hello gang

Renee: hey beautiful

Renee: what’s up

Allison: come round Friday!

Dan: what’s happening Friday?

Neil: falcons v tornadoes

Dan: ooh

Dan: is this a

Dan: sports thing

Neil: yes danielle

Dan: don’t call me danielle

Dan: I got it, didn’t i?

Renee: thank you for the invitation neil 😊

Allison: hey

Renee: is there anything in particular we should bring?

Renee: for exy watching?

Neil: um

Neil: no?

Allison: yes

Allison: bring warm weather gear

Allison: because

Dan: ?

Allison: it’s about

Neil: omygod

Allison: TO GET

Renee: …

Allison: HOTTTTTTT

Neil: can I leave this group

Dan: no

Dan: also what’s she talking about

Neil: I just invited matt round

Neil: nbd

Renee: aw neil that’s sweet

Dan: NO BIG DEAL? HUNK ALERT

Neil: how do you even know

Dan: um duh we spent like five hours looking at his photo

Neil: oright

Allison: I have not received the credit I feel I am due

Renee: honey! We are so proud of you for setting neil up with an attractive young man that he has ended up making a friend out of :)

Allison: <3

Dan: and now we will be forced to watch Sports to get to be in his presence

Neil: am I even needed in this

Dan: yes, how else will I meet attractive sports fans

Neil: you don’t even like exy

Dan: shush you

Dan: are chips good sports snacks                     

---

Andrew: ok if for example I have finished going over my notes

Andrew: and lying in bed unable to sleep

Andrew: might you have finished your strop

Neil: what strop

Andrew: what’s wrong with you today

Neil: you’re the one who said you’d rather be anywhere else

Andrew: yeh

Andrew: well

Neil: …

Neil: I feel a “your mom” coming on

Andrew: hey

Andrew: anyway

Andrew: either tell me what’s got you all sensitive and pissy or tell me a story

Neil: what kind of story

Andrew: coward

Andrew: what were you doing when I texted

Neil: honestly? Nothing

Andrew: see this is why I like talking to you

Andrew: such riveting content

Neil: you like talking to me?

Andrew: no

Neil: …

Andrew: go away

---

Andrew: ok come back

Neil: honestly this would be a little exhausting if I wasn’t finding it impossible to get to sleep

Andrew: hey same

Andrew: how about that

Andrew: the compatibility is off the charts

Neil: you find me so annoying to talk to

Andrew: sure but life is short

Andrew: what do you do when you do nothing

Neil: other than talk to you

Andrew: yes

Neil: dunno

Neil: sometimes me and Alli watch tv

Andrew: that’s not nothing

Andrew: what were you doing when you texted

Andrew: you know the one

Andrew: *im neil im sad and don’t want to talk about why*

Neil: dunno, guess I’m in bed texting people

Andrew: for the last few hours?

Neil: yeah

Andrew: neil

Andrew: you don’t have that many friends

Neil: look asshole

Neil: you don’t actually know anything about me

Neil: I didn’t actually ask for you to yell at me, and then interrogate my personal life, and then criticise me for it

Neil: so how about you fuck off

---

Allison: hey bab do we need any groceries

---

Matt: hey neil! I hope you’re ok buddy

Matt: sorry about that last question, you absolutely don’t have to talk to me about that if you don’t want to :)

Matt: but, speaking as someone who struggled to work out who they were, with pressure from my parents to settle with a girl

Matt: it wasn’t til college that I realised I was bi

Matt: just know I’m here if you ever wanna talk!

Matt: I know you’ve got allison, and she sounds great, so I’m sure you’re fine

Matt: but hey, I actually think you’re pretty awesome, and would love to listen if you ever need to chat

Matt: ANYWAY. Sorry for wall of text!! Hoping we’re still on for Friday. -Matt(yboi 😉)

---

Allison: neil honeyyyy

Allison: wanna hang out tonight? Haven’t seen you for a few days

Neil: sure

Allison: be honest, have you been going out or hiding in your room

Neil: what do you wanna watch

Allison: I’ll get the popcorn, you grab blankets

---

Allison: neil is sad :(

Renee: oh poor neil

Renee: do you know what’s wrong?

Allison: of course not, this is neil

Allison: the day he talks to me about anything voluntarily will be a fucking miracle

Renee: maybe all you can do is be there for him

Allison: I’m fucking trying but he picked the saddest fucking film

Allison: I swear, I can’t eat popcorn to this shit

Renee: what movie?

Allison: perks of being a wallflower

Renee: huh

---

Renee: hey neil :) what you up to

Neil: allison is texting you isn’t she

Renee: well

Renee: maybe not

Renee: but how did you know

Neil: you don’t text me that often, renee

Neil: also she has a dumb look on her face

Renee: well anyway that’s irrelevant

Renee: (though adorable, sneaky piccies if possible please and thank you)

Renee: she’s worried about you

Neil: she can just ask if she’s got a problem with me

Renee: hey, no need for that – I just thought I’d let you know

Renee: we all care about you

Renee: you have people who will listen if you need to talk :)

Neil: I know

Neil: I’m fine

Neil: really

Neil: but, thanks

Renee: :)

---

Neil: it shouldn’t be easier talking to you than my friends

Neil: wait

Matt: haha, um

Neil: sorry

Matt: haha buddy I’m not gonna take every dumb thing you say (no offence) as a friendship ruiner, don’t worry so much

Matt: what’s up?

Neil: I just feel stressed and weird

Matt: weird?

Matt: e x p a n d

Neil: idk

Neil: allison pushing me on this sexuality stuff is kind of stressful honestly

Matt: that makes a lot of sense to me! it is super stressful

Neil: I know she’s coming at it from a good place

Neil: she’s really happy with her girlfriend, and wants me to be happy too

Matt: ok

Matt: what do you want?

Neil: I have no idea

Neil: that’s the whole problem

Matt: you know you don’t have to figure your sexuality out *right now*, right?

Matt: hell some people come out in their 50s after decades of being happily straight-married

Matt: you can tell her to back off, if you need to

Neil: idk

Neil: she might be right though

Neil: all I do is work, study, sleep

Matt: hey that’s not true

Matt: falconers are gonna WHOOP tornadoes ass

Neil: haha, not if Coach Wyland has anything to say about it

Matt: oh and what’s that

Neil: I heard he’s switching up his line-up

Matt: OH REALLY

Matt: ok we need to get into this

Matt: but don’t distract me I’m on a roll

Matt: my point is there must be things in your life you like! Example one: my awesome self

Neil: :)

Matt: example two: exy, which is just the best

Neil: yeh ofc

Matt: don’t sell yourself or your life short. It sounds like you’ve got some great friends, and you were really brave to go on that date with me, honestly

Matt: it’s so much easier for me, I’ve been doing this for a year now

Neil: yeh?

Matt: BUDDY I can’t wait to hug you on Friday

Matt: I’m gonna hug you so fucking hard

Neil: hah

Neil: um

Neil: ok

Matt: also we’re gonna talk more

Matt: I understand why you might find it easier to talk to a near-stranger. We have no expectations or demands of each other, you know?

Neil: yeh

Matt: it’s hard to find relationships like that

Neil: mm

Matt: ok I gtg but we need to a) talk about Wyland’s line-up I will be googling that shit on the way to work, and b) what time Friday??

Neil: 7pm? :)

Matt: perfect! 😊 Look after yourself buddy. You’re pretty awesome, don’t want you thinking otherwise and letting that get in the way of anything!

---

Neil: ok look

Neil: three men are standing on top of the empire state building

Neil: the first one says to the other two, “these wind currents are insane, you could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground”

Neil: the second one says, “you're crazy!”

Neil: so the first guy jumps jumps off of the building, and after a few minutes he’s floating back up to the top, safe and sound

Neil: the second guy says, “oh my god, I’m gonna have a go”

Neil: so he leaps off of the building, falls to the ground and splatters all over the sidewalk

Neil: the first guy smiles, amused

Neil: and the third guy looks at him and says, “that was mean, Superman”

Andrew: …

Neil: you’re welcome

Andrew: I’m not thanking you for that

Neil: you wanted a joke

Andrew: yeh like a month ago

Neil: it has not been a month

Neil: drama queen

Andrew: thank you for my joke

Neil: :)

Andrew: you googled it didn’t you

Neil: of course

Neil: where else do you get jokes from

Andrew: what did batman say to robin before he got in the batmobile

Neil: …

Andrew: get in the fucking car, robin

Neil: ?

Andrew: lmao

Andrew: ho ho ho

Andrew: :)

Neil: ???

Andrew: that is how you joke

Neil: that was not a fucking joke

Neil: that was just a retelling of a conversation

Andrew: so was yours

Neil: well

Neil: but

Neil: wait

Andrew: ah, see this is fun

Andrew: please do throw yourself at a linguistics problem, math major

Neil: shut up

---

Neil: I watched that movie btw

Andrew: which one

Neil: perks of being a wallflower

Andrew: ah

Neil: it wasn’t very perky

Andrew: no

Andrew: I didn’t say it was

Neil: I liked it

Andrew: I didn’t ask

Neil: it was sad, but very good

Neil: made me feel a bit uncomfortable

Andrew: ?

Neil: dk. Never mind

Andrew: ok

Neil: look im sorry about before

Andrew: don’t

Neil: ok

Neil: um

Neil: are we ok tho

Andrew: superman walks into a bar

Chapter Text

Neil: do we have food

Allison: food like what

Neil: like food in the house that humans consume

Allison: you mean other than leftover takeout

Allison: I think there’s a pear in the fridge

Allison: possibly a lemon

Neil: will you buy food

Allison: depends

Neil: on

Allison: how

Allison: HOT

Allison: YOU WANT IT

Neil: …

Neil: will you please act normal tonight

Allison: never

---

Andrew: entertain me

Neil: entertain yourself

Andrew: where’s the fun in that

Andrew: what are you doing

Neil: panicking

Andrew: ah, perfect

Andrew: let me get popcorn

Neil: asshole

Andrew: why are you panicking

Neil: someone’s coming round

Andrew: you mean allison

Andrew: or allison’s girlfriend

Andrew: or allison’s friend

Neil: good memory

Andrew: it’s honestly not hard to remember the three people you have mentioned

Neil: no, matt

Andrew: you’ve never mentioned a matt

Neil: oh

Neil: he’s the guy

Neil: uh the guy I went on a date with

Andrew: ah

Neil: so, yeh

Neil: I never have people round

Neil: allison’s buying food

Neil: i’m assuming she would have told me if I had to do anything else

Neil: right?

Andrew: I’m sure you’re fine

Neil: ok

---

Andrew: my popcorn ran out

Neil: were you actually eating popcorn

Andrew: look, have you showered

Neil: excuse me?

Andrew: I’m helping

Neil: yes, I am a regular showerer I’ll have you know

Andrew: have you vacuumed

Neil: oh shit

Andrew: let’s take that as a no

Neil: ok I could do that

Andrew: yes you could

Andrew: you owe me popcorn

---

Allison: ok there’s beer and pizza in the fridge, dan is bringing chips, renee is bringing her beYOOtiful smile

Neil: great, renee is such a giver

Allison: I know, I’m so lucky

Allison: what time’s the hunk coming round?

Neil: 7

Allison: k hun

Neil: why am I nervous

Allison: well I don’t know

Allison: because you’re a hedgehog

Neil: I still don’t know what that means

Allison: small and prickly and likely to curl up in a small ball at the slightest hint of danger?

Neil: I don’t think that’s accurate

Allison: maybe because you actually like this guy?

Neil: no

Neil: I really

Neil: I mean yes, he’s really nice

Neil: apparently I am in for a big hug

Allison: well that’s ADORABLE

Allison: I can’t wait to meet him

Allison: and to watch this hug fest

Neil: but that’s all

Neil: I don’t like him like that

Allison: not that, let’s be honest, you could necessarily tell

Neil: why do you say that?

Allison: well, because you don’t like *anyone*, so I feel like your criteria and self-awareness is probably a little off base

Neil: maybe I’m just not like you

Allison: who are you like then

Neil: idk

Allison: …ok great chat

---

Neil: I vacuumed

Andrew: I actually didn’t need that update, but thank you

Neil: consider it pre-payment for popcorn

Andrew: that’s cute

Neil: :O

Andrew: shut up

Andrew: what are you wearing

Neil: um

Andrew: honestly neil can you just, for one second

Andrew: I mean for your date

Neil: hah, oh I see

Neil: wait, what date

Andrew: um the guy you’ve just vacuumed for

Andrew: are you in a coma

Neil: that’s not a date

Neil: i didn’t say it was a date

Andrew: but it’s date guy

Neil: oh

Neil: andrew, it’s not like that

Neil: did I not tell you

Neil: I sent him what you said, and he totally agreed, and we’re just friends. He’s coming round to watch exy, and the girls are coming too. Like as a friend thing

Andrew: aah

Neil: ?

Andrew: well

Andrew: you never told me that, how was I supposed to know

Neil: why can’t you ask like a normal person

Andrew: anyway

Neil: you can’t just anyway anything I say you don’t like, I don’t think that’s how it works

Andrew: anyway

Andrew: the question still stands

Neil: ?

Andrew: what are you wearing

Neil: for my friend date?

Andrew: sure

Neil: dunno

Neil: clothes

Andrew: the power of imagination

Andrew: I am stunned

Andrew: hold me back, the muse is strong within me

Andrew: must

Andrew: paint

Andrew: this

Andrew: vision

Neil: what is wrong with you today

Andrew: what sort of clothes

Neil: why do you care

Andrew: wow, way to accuse

Andrew: I really don’t

Andrew: but you brought it up, so

Neil: I did not??

Andrew: t-shirt? hoody?

Neil: actually yeh

Andrew: jeans that are too big for you?

Neil: well, I use a belt so, I guess maybe

Andrew: jesus

Neil: what

Andrew: you are a disaster

Neil: is that a good thing

Andrew: why would that be a good thing

Neil: I dunno, you seem to like it

Andrew: way to accuse

Andrew: go away I’m busy

Neil: sure

---

Dan: D MINUS 10 MINS

Neil: what?

Renee: she’ll be there in 10

Renee: we both will

Allison: yay! Kisses for everyone!

Renee: 😊

Dan: score!

Neil: no thanks

Neil: guys

Neil: please

Dan: what

Neil: PLEASE be normal tonight ok

Neil: matt’s cool, and he’s just a normal guy, and we’re just friends

Dan: I get it

Renee: yes

Renee: what is it the kids say

Renee: two bros, chilling, being heterosexual, hugging at a distance like good old friend pals

Allison: I thought you were 22

Dan: where can we get a copy of her birth certificate

Renee: 😊

Allison: i love you even though you’re secretly 47

Renee: an old man in a young hot womanly body

Allison: damn fucking right

Neil: can you not

Dan: don’t worry neil, we won’t embarrass you

Dan: you’re clearly not right for each other

Dan: he’s too hunky for you

Neil: ok

Allison: don’t insult my hedgehog! He’s plenty hunky

Neil: I’d rather you didn’t

Renee: I’m not sure I’d use the word “hunky”, but neil is an attractive young man

Allison: 47 was too kind a judgement

Dan: oh neil is for sure pretty, but, hunky?

Allison: yeh you’re right

Allison: google suggests ‘hunky’ means ‘large and strong’ as well as ‘sexually attractive’, the latter of which we can all agree neil is

Renee: leave me out of this

Dan: you just need to hit the gym a little, neil

Allison: he goes

Dan: yeh right

Dan: when’s arm day, neil, when

Neil: what on earth is happening

---

Neil: what you up to?

Andrew: i’m out

Neil: where

Andrew: dinner of champions

Andrew: ice cream sundae

Andrew: [photo attached]

Neil: jesus

Neil: that’s the size of a planet

Andrew: I know, I’m so happy I could die

Andrew: :--)

Neil: stop

Neil: who you with

Andrew: my brother and cousin

Neil: are they your only friends

Neil: is this why we’re friends

Andrew: excuse me

Andrew: how dare you

Andrew: they’re not my friends

Neil: hah

Neil: ok

Andrew: how’s friend date going

Neil: um, yeh, I think ok

Andrew: does he smell nice

Neil: seriously will you stop

Neil: it’s not like that

Neil: but also yes

Andrew: ???

Neil: he’s a really big hugger

Andrew: how exciting for you

Neil: I have been hugged more times this evening than ever in my life

Andrew: that’s

Andrew: I see

Neil: I am not a big hugger

Andrew: no kidding

Neil: I managed to escape using clever diversion tactics

Andrew: you went to get a drink

Neil: yeh

Andrew: smart

Andrew: one of a kind

Andrew: what do you drink

Neil: oh, I don’t really

Andrew: ?

Neil: water, mostly

Andrew: ok

Neil: people think it’s weird

Andrew: why

Neil: I’m 21 and I don’t drink alcohol, apparently that’s as big a sin as being a virgin

Andrew: why can’t you just do whatever you want

Neil: not that

Neil: I didn’t

Neil: well

Andrew: oh good, we’re back to panic, my company over here was starting to get a little dull

Neil: I didn’t mean to imply anything

Andrew: ok

Andrew: not sure why you think I care

Neil: oh, um, I don’t

Andrew: I mean I’m not sure why you think I’d judge you

Neil: oh

Andrew: life is complicated

Neil: yeh

Andrew: do whatever you need to and fuck anyone who says otherwise

Neil: ok

Neil: thanks andrew

Neil: :)

Andrew: you are honestly the most irritating person I’ve ever had the pleasure of not actually meeting

Neil: um. thanks?

Andrew: sure

---

Andrew: what’s happening now

Andrew: has there been any more nice smells

Neil: haha

Neil: you mean from friend man

Andrew: sure, or any other smells really, happy to receive litany of evening smells

Neil: no

Neil: actually

Andrew: what

Neil: can I ask you something

Andrew: sure

Andrew: wait

Andrew: I’m getting comfortable

Andrew: ok I’m ready

Neil: you didn’t actually move did you

Andrew: no

Neil: where are you?

Andrew: club

Neil: the family?

Andrew: dancing

Neil: you’re by yourself

Andrew: I’m never by myself neil

Andrew: I have

Andrew: You

Neil: hahaha

Neil: um

Neil: are you drunk

Andrew: maybe but it was a fucking joke

Neil: ok

Andrew: where’s my question

Neil: so, I am now sitting on the floor, because people were talking too loudly and I wanted to hear the commentary

Andrew: jesus

Neil: what

Andrew: go on

Neil: and anyway allison and her girlfriend are sharing the armchair and I don’t want to interrupt

Andrew: with your eyes

Neil: exactly

Andrew: go on

Neil: so matt and dan are on the sofa

Andrew: (I’m assuming dan is the best friend, not a dog or something)

Neil: (no)

Neil: (I mean yes)

Andrew: (ok)

Andrew: so what are they engaging in flirtatious behaviour

Neil: this is my question

Neil: I don’t know

Neil: but they’re very close, and behind me, but sometimes matt says something to me so I have to turn round

Neil: give me an example

Andrew: you know

Andrew: googly eyes

Andrew: shoulder touching

Andrew: laughing at jokes that would not normally be worthy of a pity smile

Neil: then yes

Andrew: how disappointing for you

Neil: will you stop

Neil: I could not be more thrilled at how much apparent sexual activity is going on around me

Andrew: I would hardly call shoulder touching sexual activity

Neil: ok half-time’s over, sorry

Andrew: one-track mind, I get it

Andrew: I signed up to this

Andrew: I dug my own grave, as it were

Andrew: I mean “likes: exy”

Andrew: whoever would have thought that was serious

---

Neil: oh jesus

Andrew: what

Neil: where am I supposed to go

Andrew: why

Neil: I nearly walked in on allison and girlfriend in the bathroom

Andrew: unfortunate

Neil: and matt and dan are doing staring eyes and leg touching on the sofa

Andrew: hide in the kitchen

Neil: helpful

Neil: go dance

Andrew: I would never

---

Neil: that was bad advice

Andrew: wait a second, on the way home

Neil: are you driving?

Andrew: uber

Neil: ok

---

Andrew: I’m comfortable

Neil: well thank god for that

Andrew: you may proceed

Neil: are you in bed?

Andrew: yes

Neil: me too

Andrew: thrilling

Andrew: is that my update

Neil: no

Neil: so matt approached me in the kitchen, and asked me if he could ask out dan

Andrew: how disappointing for you

Neil: OH MY GOD

Neil: anyway

Neil: I don’t know why he asked me, but I said he could do whatever he wanted

Andrew: and?

Neil: and then dan

Andrew: lmaooo

Andrew: ruuuuined

Andrew: etc

Neil: thanks for your support

Neil: and then dan found me and asked if she could

Neil: well she asked in a slightly different way

Andrew: tease

Neil: she asked if she had my blessing to “bang the hunk”

Andrew: delightful

Andrew: I do like to know how the hets talk these days

Neil: hets?

Andrew: heterosexuals

Neil: oh

Neil: well matt’s bi

Andrew: obviously

Neil: well, how would the uh, non-hets say it

Andrew: you mean the gays

Neil: sure

Andrew: I don’t know

Andrew: they might say they want to blow you

Neil: right

Andrew: or wreck you so hard you can’t even open your mouth to say stupid things

Neil: um

Neil: wild

Andrew: I know

Andrew: what’s the world coming to

Andrew: the queers eh

Neil: you’re so

Andrew: what

Neil: I don’t know

Neil: yourself

Andrew: and what are you

Neil: nobody

Andrew: hmm

Neil: I think I'm gonna go to sleep

Andrew: ok

Andrew: good night neil

Neil: good night

---

Andrew: it’s not a bad thing

Andrew: to be nobody

Andrew: you’re a blank canvas

Andrew: maybe you could just make your own rules

Chapter Text

Neil: thanks for coming on Friday matt I had fun

Matt: BUDDY

Matt: me too 😊

Matt: and, you know

Matt: your friend dan

Matt: I think I might be in love

Neil: ha

Matt: no really

Neil: you only met her a few days ago

Matt: I KNOW

Matt: it's ridiculous                                      

Matt: I cant stop thinking about her

Neil: ha, ok, il let her know

Matt: omg please don’t

Neil: ?

Matt: I havent messaged her yet

Neil: why not

Matt: FEAR

Neil: of

Matt: SHE’S SO BEAUTIFUL

Neil: ok

Neil: I think she feels the same way about you

Matt: 😱

Matt: tell me more

Neil: they all call you Hunk of Man

Matt: !!!

Matt: (all?)

Neil: mostly dan

Matt: wow

Matt: ok

Matt: wow

Matt: ok that just makes everything worse

Neil: why

Matt: …

Matt: I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER

Neil: ok

Matt: 😭

---

Neil: hey

Dan: what

Neil: dan

Dan: that’s me

Neil: so

Dan: yes

Neil: do you like matt

Dan: yes why

---

Neil: she likes you

Matt: how do you know??

Neil: I asked

Matt: you just ASKED

Neil: yeh?

Matt: HOW?

Neil: [screenshot attached]

Matt: jfksfdstrds

Neil: ???

Matt: what is wrong with you

---

Neil: [screenshot attached]

Neil: ali

Neil: matt seems kinda mad

Neil: what did I do wrong

Allison: NEIL

Allison: my darling hedgehog

Allison: you don’t just go around saying these things

Neil: why not??

Allison: that’s not how this shit works

Allison: you don’t just ask someone if they like someone, it’s more complicated than that

Neil: why on earth would it be more complicated than that

Allison: well, they might not mean the same thing you do by the word ‘like’, like does dan fancy him or looove him or just want to ride his dick

Allison: and by asking her before matt’s had a chance to you’ve made matt seem dumb and small

Neil: none of this makes any sense

Neil: I don’t get it

Allison: ah my darling, you will one day

Neil: stop fucking saying that

Neil: maybe I don’t want to get it

Allison: dude

Neil: maybe I’m gonna make my own rules

Allison: what?

Neil: I’m a blank fucking canvas

Allison: huh??

---

Matt: omgomg

Neil: calm down

Matt: no

Neil: just ask her out

Matt: how

Neil: you’re asking me?

Matt: fair point

Matt: but you know her better than I do! What would she respond better to, like a casual hey, like maybe a friend date first, like maybe a bunch of us should just go out what do you think?

Neil: christ

Neil: just fucking ask her, or don’t ask her

Neil: but work it out yourself

Matt: oookaaay

---

Neil: ok I get it

Andrew: what

Neil: I hate everyone

Andrew: welcome

---

Allison: srsly, you’re not talking to me?

Neil: maybe I’m sick of being told I don’t know who I am, or what I’m doing, or how relationships work

Allison: I never said any of that

Neil: you literally do

Neil: you imply it all the time

Allison: alright asshole calm down

Allison: I was just trying to help, you should be grateful

Neil: yeh well maybe I’m just not like you

Allison: clearly

---

Andrew: what’s happened

Neil: nothing

Andrew: original

Neil: I’m sick of all of them

Andrew: ok

Neil: what are you doing

Andrew: not talking to you if you’re going to be an angry pisshead

Neil: oh like you’re not angry all the time

Andrew: when? Have I ever? Been angry?

Neil: well I don’t know

Neil: you’re an asshole

Andrew: ok

Andrew: why don’t you tell me how you really feel

Neil: the world being shit doesn’t make you angry?

Andrew: anger is pointless

Neil: oyeh

Neil: along with every other emotion huh

Neil: that’s original

Andrew: what’s got your knickers in a twist

Neil: maybe I’m sick of playing games

Andrew: ok

---

Allison: AAAARGH

Renee: ???

Allison: that’s it, I’m done

Dan: what

Allison: neil can die celibate and alone see if I give a fuck

Renee: oh

Dan: what’s happd

Allison: you know I spend all my time looking after the little shit, I buy our groceries, I teach him how to cook, I help him buy clothes, I introduced him to you guys, he only has friends because of me, I signed him up to tinder BECAUSE I WANTED TO HELP, he’s literally always messaging people but won’t tell me who, and he’s being a fucking asshole about it

Renee: oh dear

Dan: what a little shit

Renee: hmm

Allison: what

Dan: what, I was supportive

Renee: hmm

Allison: FUCKING WHAT

Dan: ali I love you

Allison: this cannot be good

Dan: but we did tell you not to push

Allison: when have I ever pushed?

Allison: like literally when??

Allison: all I want is the best for him!

Renee: oh honey

---

Andrew: what did you mean

Neil: what

Andrew: games

Neil: I don’t know

Andrew: ok

---

Matt: man I’m sorry

Matt: I didn’t mean to go on about dan to you, was that insensitive?

Neil: why would it be insensitive

Neil: I don’t like you like that

Matt: uh, no me neither, that’s not what I meant

Neil: ok?

Matt: just, you know

Matt: you’re still figuring this stuff out

Matt: maybe you don’t want it thrown in your face all the time

Neil: or maybe I want people to stop treating me like I’m an idiot

Matt: um

Matt: yep that too, totally, ok

Matt: sorry neil

Matt: ☹ ☹

---

Allison: great, not you guys too

Renee: my darling, he has mentioned a few times that he wanted you to back off, for example when you were calling him gay, and you have not been listening

Allison: that was you that suggested it, not him

Allison: not once has he actually asked me to stop

Renee: actually it was neil

Allison: what??

Renee: he texted me and asked me to get you to stop calling him gay

Allison: oh great so now y’all are going behind my back

Dan: jeez ali calm down

Allison: fuck off

Dan: what did I do??

Allison: maybe take my side for once

Dan: I’m always on your side

Dan: when you’re right

Allison: great

Allison: I don’t wanna talk about this anymore

Renee: don’t be like that :(

Dan: nah let her

---

Andrew: be nice to your friends

Neil: this isn’t about them

Andrew: sure

Neil: I am being nice to them

Andrew: ok

Neil: it’s not about them

Neil: but

Neil: fuck

Neil: how do you always know everything

Andrew: I am a  m a g i c i a n

Neil: ???

Andrew: fuck’s sake neil you care about two things

Neil: I do?

Andrew: stick ball and allison

Neil: oh

Andrew: and I’m guessing it’s not running around with a stick that’s got you in a mood

Neil: ok but she’s being an asshole

Andrew: but you like assholes

Neil: how do you know

Andrew: :)

Neil: oh stop

Andrew: never

Neil: ok maybe I blew up a little at her

Andrew: there you go

Neil: but she’s pushing this dating stuff and I’m tired of it and maybe I’m just not like her and I want her to stop

Andrew: so just tell her that

Andrew: establish your boundaries and expect her to meet them

Neil: I did

Andrew: what exactly did you say to her

Neil: well

Neil: anyway

Andrew: wait

Neil: ok thanks for the advice

Andrew: excuse me

---

Neil: you’re an asshole

Allison: is that my apology

Neil: what apology

Neil: he suggested I explain, so I am doing

Allison: who? matt??

Neil: anyway

Neil: you’re being an asshole

Neil: and I understand why

Allison: worst fucking apology ever

Neil: and maybe I haven’t been clear

Neil: so I’m being clear now, ok

Allison: what

Neil: stop it

Allison: fine

Allison: and you know what? buy your own fucking groceries

Neil: I literally never asked you to shop for me

Allison: right and you were happy living the rest of your life off beans from a can

Neil: yes

Neil: you don’t know anything about me

Allison: maybe because you never tell me anything

Neil: well I’m telling you this

Neil: maybe I’m not gay, or straight, or bisexual, have you thought about that

Neil: maybe I don’t want to play by dumb fucking rules that say you can’t just say things to people

Neil: who would want to live by those rules

Neil: maybe I don’t want to live in a world that tells me I’m boring for being 21 and not drinking or having sex

Neil: maybe I want my best friend to understand that and respect it

Allison: jesus I didn’t

Allison: I just think it’s likely

Allison: I just want you to be happy

Neil: I know

Neil: but I don’t know how to be happy

Allison: well that’s fucking sad

Neil: and you pushing me on this stuff isn’t gonna make me happy

Allison: well, ok

Allison: like

Allison: I’m not sorry

Allison: I kinda just want what’s best for you and I don’t see what’s wrong with that

Neil: I didn’t expect you to be

Neil: you’re an asshole

Allison: well god neil

Allison: I think I’m gonna cry

---

Neil: when I said games I meant you by the way

Andrew: yeh

Neil: why can’t people just say what they mean

Andrew: maybe it’s more complicated than that

Neil: you sound just like her

Andrew: wise, this allison is

Neil: you think I’m complicated?

Andrew: that’s not what I said

Neil: do you like me?

Andrew: ask me something else

Neil: why

Andrew: I’m about to go out

Neil: where

Andrew: got a date

Neil: oh

Neil: really?

Andrew: yes neil

Andrew: we met on tinder

Andrew: I assume you remember

Neil: yeh

Andrew: ok great and you’ve been on a date, correct

Neil: yeh

Andrew: cool well now I am going on one

Andrew: I go on dates sometimes

Neil: you never said anything

Andrew: I don’t tell you everything

Neil: right

Neil: I guess I thought you would have done

Andrew: sounds like your problem

Neil: I told you about matt

Andrew: not really

Andrew: only to get my advice

Andrew: expecting me to stick around just so you can ask me for advice on dating, your friends, your life

Andrew: no thanks

Andrew: trying to work out if I like you as part of some experiment of yours when we both know this is a fucking pipe dream

Andrew: nah

Andrew: wanting me to help you figure out your sexuality as if it's really complicated and interesting, when it’s fucking clear who you are if only you’d do some of the work yourself for once

Andrew: as I said, I’m a little busy

Neil: ok

Neil: like I never asked

Neil: I didn’t know that was all this was

---

Neil: andrew?

Neil: I guess you've gone out

Neil: um have fun on your date

Neil: tell me about it later yeh

Neil: or don’t, whatever, up to you

Neil: sorry, you’re busy

Neil: k

---

Neil: sorry matt

Matt: that’s ok buddy I’m really sorry I was stupid about this stuff

Matt: you totally get to say how you wanna feel about it and talk about it

Matt: how can I help

Neil: stop being so nice

Matt: haha ok

Neil: come round?

Matt: !! sure, everything ok?

Neil: dunno

Matt: that’s totally fine, can’t wait to see you!

Matt: I’ll bring hugs and my dumbass smile

Matt: see you soon 😊

---

Neil: movie night?

Allison: really?

Neil: yeh. Matt’s coming over.

Allison: ok!

Neil: don’t invite renee or dan

Allison: happy to

Neil: please buy food

Allison: of course I fucking will I was joking

Neil: ok

Allison: are you ok

Neil: of course

Allison: ok because you never ask anyone for anything

Allison: neil?

Allison: ok honey see you soon xx

---

IT’S A MATCH!

---

Melissa: hey gorgeous

Neil: hey

Chapter Text

Allison: hey honey renee’s coming over tonight, you wanna hang with us?

Neil: can’t

Allison: you’ve been sulking in your room for a week

Allison: no longer shall I let this lie

Neil: I havent been sulking

Neil: and I cant hang out because im going out

Allison: excuse ME

Allison: really?

Neil: yep

Allison: with WHO

Neil: not that it’s any of your business of course

Allison: of course

Allison: who am I, except your best friend who lets you live here at a reduced rent, cooks your meals, gives you exciting life advice

Neil: gets more and more exciting every day al

Allison: I know

Allison: Im a treat

Allison: so?

Neil: I guess im going on a date

Allison: !

Allison: huh

Neil: what

Allison: nope

Neil: whaat

Allison: nothing

Allison: have a nice time

Allison: wear your coat

Neil: really

Allison: what

Neil: that’s all you have to say

Allison: hey I am a respecter of boundaries young hedgehog

Allison: you say no allison, your life advice – while excellent and thoughtful and tailored to my very person – is not wanted right now

Allison: who am i

Allison: after all

Neil: oh my god

Neil: I didn’t ask you to never speak again

Neil: drama queen

Allison: well im not sure what level of opinion im allowed here

Neil: you’re allowed an opinion

Neil: but im going out in ten minutes, so

Allison: !!

Allison: jesus

Allison: well, I guess, I thought that experiment had sort of died in the water

Neil: why?

Allison: um I don’t know if you remember yelling at me

Allison: and matt

Allison: and basically being glued to tinder

Allison: and then the night?

Neil: yes

Allison: neil you [cried]

Neil: I did not

Allison: you [did]

Neil: stop it

Allison: we sandwiched you

Neil: it was a nice sandwich

Neil: and if I did cry

Allison: [crying]

Neil: which I didn’t

Neil: it was because it was a fucking sad movie

Allison: how were we supposed to know you hadn’t seen frozen before

Neil: I haven’t seen anything? You know that?

Neil: anyway what’s your point

Allison: well since [the night]

Neil: stop it

Allison: you haven’t mentioned dating since, I’ve barely seen you on your phone

Allison: how come you’re going on a date all of a sudden

Neil: it isn’t all of a sudden, I arranged it a week ago, this is just the first night she’s free

Allison: she

Allison: huh

Neil: you can’t just ‘huh’ gender

Allison: I fucking can

Neil: hey you like girls

Neil: maybe I can too

Allison: yes I am filled with confidence

Neil: anyway I can date whoever I want

Allison: yes

Allison: I literally said that

Allison: that’s how this whole thing started

Neil: yeh well

Neil: that’s what I meant

Neil: maybe I’m just taking your advice

Allison: …

Allison: ok what’s going on

Neil: what

Allison: you hate taking my advice

Neil: look I gotta go

Allison: I am sighing at you

Allison: are you going to a public area

Neil: I am not twelve

Allison: neil you don’t even remember your age half the time

Allison: if she asks you can always check your profile

Neil: great pep talk thanks

Allison: CALL ME IF SHE’S DULL OR UGLY

Neil: k bye

Allison: bye

---

Allison: hey honey

Renee: :) :)

Allison: you coming over tonight?

Renee: still yes

Renee: clingy

Allison: the world is in a shift right now, and I must admit I am a little perturbed

Renee: tell me

Allison: neil

Allison: a) is going on a date, and didn’t tell me to freak out or ask what to wear

Renee: ooh

Allison: b) with a GURL

Renee: ooh!

Renee: (girls are great though)

Allison: c) suggested he was just following my advice? Advice which he basically spent last week yelling at me for?

Allison: (yes I know im a fan myself)

Allison: (but don’t get distracted)

Renee: (right)

Renee: hmm

Renee: maybe he really is just trying out the whole spectrum

Allison: but we started this experiment because he’d never fancied a girl

Renee: he’d never fancied a guy either

Allison: but that might have just been because SOCIETY didn’t give him the CHANCE

Renee: darling

Allison: yes yes I’m hardly calling him gay I just thought it was likely

Renee: I really think it might be more complicated than that

Renee: I just hope he’s doing this for the right reasons

Allison: me too

Allison: ok very suddenly bored of you not being here right now

Renee: !

Renee: we said 8

Allison: :(

Renee: ok shall leave in 10 x

Allison: LOVE YOU

Renee: 😊

---

Neil: hey matt

Matt: buddy

Matt: how’s it going??

Neil: um yeh ok

Neil: can I ask you something

Matt: sure!

Neil: so

Neil: I’m on a date

Matt: BUDDY

Matt: that’s so exciting

Neil: right well

Matt: what’s up

Neil: I kind of hate it

Matt: oh no

Neil: how do i

Neil: you know

Neil: leave

Matt: neil! I’m sorry that’s uh sucky

Neil: is that your advice

Matt: nope I’m thinking

Matt: where are ya? What was the plan?

Neil: dinner

Matt: oh neil

Neil: what?

Neil: she suggested it

Matt: dinner on a first date? Yeesh

Neil: what??

Matt: well, it commits you to like a 2 hour date

Matt: and sometimes you can tell about a person in the first ten minutes

Neil: try two

Matt: haha

Matt: ouch

Matt: how far through are you

Neil: she’s ordering starters

Matt: XD

Matt: oh man

Matt: I don’t think I can help

Matt: I wish I could!

Matt: lie back and think of england?

Neil: what does that even mean

Matt: text me when you escape??

Neil: k

Matt: and maybe get off your phone

Matt: she may be not for you but she still has feelings man

Neil: right

Neil: yeh

Neil: ok

Neil: god

Neil: ok

Neil: bye

Matt: XD

---

Dan: al

Allison: danielle

Dan: don’t

Dan: you know, matt still hasn’t texted me

Allison: seriously??

Allison: I thought he was a sure thing

Dan: you know what

Dan: this is why I don’t date men

Allison: you’re straight

Dan: what’s your point

Allison: so you coulda just said this is why I don’t date

Dan: I am dating MYSELF

Allison: oh yes I forgot

Dan: I don’t need this in my life

Dan: he seemed pretty keen, and maybe I was just feeling generous

Dan: but there’s a thai place on the corner with My Name On It

Dan: I don’t need a man to go out

Allison: you go girl

Allison: you’re independent

Allison: you’re BEAUTIFUL

Dan: thank you

Allison: you don’t need anyone else!

Dan: exactly

Dan: thank you

Allison: (want me and renee to meet you there in 20?)

Dan: (if you could)

Dan: (plus however many minutes it takes to ensure you don’t spend the whole of dinner watching each other’s mouths)

Allison: (give me 40)

Dan: (make it an even 60)

Allison: (you’re my favourite person in the entire fucking world gotta go xxx)

Dan: (hit it guuuurl 😉)

---

Neil: I cannot believe

Matt: hahaha

Matt: are you out already??

Neil: I had to

Matt: BRO

Matt: what did you say

Neil: well

Matt: come on

Neil: the waiter asked if we wanted a dessert menu

Neil: and

Neil: I said that wasn’t necessary

Matt: O_O

Neil: and she laughed, like it was a joke, and asked why

Neil: and I said because I wasn’t going to call her

Matt: NEIL

Neil: what?? she was fine

Neil: I mean, she was a bit annoyed

Neil: the waiter looked a bit weird

Neil: I dunno why

Neil: anyway she left me with the bill

Neil: dates are expensive

Neil: and now im tired

Neil: …matt

Matt: ERROR 404 MATT CANNOT BE FOUND

Neil: hey it wasn’t

Neil: that bad?

Matt: I CANNOT

---

Allison: NEIL

Neil: yes

Allison: YOU’RE ALIVE

Neil: I’m on my way home

Allison: us too! What a coincidence!

Allison: meet you there hedgehog?

Neil: sure

Renee: we heard you had a hot date!

Dan: or at least a date

Dan: hotness level was not submitted beforehand

Dan: you’re in trouble

Neil: sorry

Neil: but if she is hot I didn’t notice

Dan: DAAAAAAAAAMN NEIL

Neil: what??

Renee: I think he’s just being honest :)

Dan: I KNOW

Dan: THAT’S WHAT MAKES IT SO AWESOME

Allison: ah neil

Allison: oh well, one more step on the Ladder of Life

Neil: ?

Allison: I don’t know I’ve had a bottle of wine

Neil: ok

Allison: LIFE IS A LADDER

Neil: renee

Renee: we’ve got her :)

Neil: ok

---

Allison: neil psssssssssst

Neil: why are you texting me across the room

Neil: I’m not getting you alcohol, renee cut you off

Allison: no no

Allison: I have a question

Allison: about your matt friend

Neil: matt

Neil: what about him

Allison: oh just curious

Allison: does he know

Allison: beauty

Allison: when he sees it?

Neil: …what?

Allison: does he know

Allison: creativity?

Allison: when he sees it?

Allison: does he know

Allison: passion?

Neil: um

Allison: loyalty?

Neil: ali

Allison: strength?

Neil: has matt not texted dan

Allison: DANIELLE IS A GODDESS

Neil: I know

Allison: If you could pass it along

Neil: haha

Neil: hey

Neil: I thought that went against dating law

Allison: I’LL RIP HIS THROAT OUT

Neil: I’ll pass it along

---

Neil: danielle

Dan: hedgehog

Neil: if I text matt and do some digging will you kill me with your bare hands

Dan: where did you get an idea like that

Neil: allison told me once you could kill a man with your bare hands

Dan: well it’s true

Neil: I did not escape my father to die because of flouting dating regulations

Dan: ooook

Dan: we’re gonna talk about that some more

Dan: but do whatever you like

Dan: I’m taken anyway

Neil: ?

Dan: I’m dating mySELF

Neil: oh yeah I forgot

Neil: sorry

Neil: ok will do

Dan: love u hedgehog

Neil: ok

Dan: even tho ur emotionally repressed

Neil: hey

---

Neil: hey matt

Matt: hey 😊

Matt: you ok?

Neil: I’m fine

Matt: have you heard from she-who-must-not-be-named

Neil: who?

Neil: oh

Neil: my date?

Neil: no

Matt: I am shocked

Neil: it wasn’t that bad

Matt: so, what have you learned

Neil: ?

Matt: aren’t you on a great experiment

Neil: oh, well that’s ali’s thing

Matt: yeh but it’s your life

Neil: I guess

Matt: you *guess*??

Neil: I dunno

Neil: I just didn’t like her

Matt: not attractive?

Neil: literally I don’t find anyone attractive

Neil: but

Neil: that’s not the point

Neil: she bugged me

Matt: hmm

Neil: anyway

Neil: I wanted to ask you something

Matt: yes

Neil: let me see if I get this right

Matt: ok

Matt: I’m excited

Neil: do you know

Neil: beauty

Neil: when you see it?

Matt: um, I think so?

Neil: I’m just passing on a message

Matt: ok!

Matt: is there more?

Neil: yes

Neil: do you know

Neil: creativity

Matt: what’s going on

Neil: why haven’t you texted Dan

Matt: oh

Neil: ali’s, um, curious

Matt: :/

Matt: um

Matt: well

Neil: what happened to “I might be in love”

Matt: I mean

Matt: that’s kind of the problem

Matt: that, and, um

Matt: haha this is super dumb

Matt: I don’t need to bother you with this!

Matt: let’s talk about your date some more

Matt: what about her bugged you

Neil: wait

Neil: we can talk about you

Matt: we don’t have to

Matt: I like helping you out man

Matt: it’s no big deal 😊

Neil: no

Neil: it is a big deal

Neil: I’m not.

Neil: I’m not like that

Neil: I’m not sure why you think I am

Matt: wait, like what??

Neil: I ask about you

Neil: right?

Matt: oh, of course! I didn’t mean to imply that

Matt: you’re great a guy neil, you clearly really care about your friends!

Matt: I guess you can be pretty quiet

Matt: I feel really lucky you let me in

Matt: but I get the impression that’s pretty rare for you

Neil: um

Neil: I dunno

Neil: that’s not the point

Neil: I don’t want to just talk about my problems

Neil: I never said that’s all I wanted

Matt: hey

Matt: why are you yellin, I thought we promised no more yellin

Neil: I’m not yelling!

Matt: >:(

Neil: sorry

Neil: I’m not

Neil: I just wanna know why you didn’t message Dan

Matt: it’s gonna sound so dumb

Neil: hey

Neil: it’s me

Matt: …I’m gonna cry

Neil: don’t

Neil: I just mean, I have no idea what I’m doing

Neil: there’s only so dumb it can be

Matt: haha yeh

Matt: ok

Matt: ah well, I dunno, I’m just so – in my head about it

Matt: she’s like fucking perfect

Matt: so I’m kind of terrified

Matt: I haven’t like had that kind of initial chemistry with anyone for a long time

Matt: you know when you really just like, feel like you really click with someone??

Neil: that sounds, um, yeah

Neil: I get it

Matt: and on top of that she’s GORGEOUS

Matt: but – this is the dumb bit

Matt: please don’t judge me

Neil: ok

Matt: and don’t tell anyone

Neil: I won’t

Matt: like

Matt: she’s a girl

Neil: yeh?

Matt: I dunno neil I only realised I was bi a few years ago

Matt: I’ve dated a lot of girls, but I’ve only had sex with two guys, and neither of them were serious

Matt: and I guess it feels

Matt: oh this sounds so stupid

Neil: it doesn’t, just because, I mean, I have no idea

Neil: but if this is how you feel how can it be stupid?

Matt: oh man neil you are so fucking nice

Neil: I am??

Matt: but it sounds stupid when I say it out loud

Neil: we’re texting

Matt: you know what I mean!

Neil: I do, sorry, go on

Matt: I guess it felt like I might be missing something else

Matt: like, you know, you grow up thinking you have to be one thing

Matt: you know

Neil: yeh

Matt: like – we’re guys, so we don’t cry, and we’re attracted to girls, and we’re obsessed with sex

Neil: yes

Matt: and, I’m a crier neil!

Neil: are you?

Matt: and so are you!

Neil: no I’m not

Matt: and society can go fuck itself

Neil: I agree with you there

Matt: so, I don’t know, what to do

Matt: or whether this matters

Neil: I’m not sure I can help

Neil: but um

Matt: yeh??

Neil: I think finding someone you uh

Neil: really connect with is

Neil: really rare

Neil: or it is for me anyway

Neil: and, I dunno

Neil: you’re bi

Neil: so I thought that meant gender sex whatever didn’t matter?

Neil: so, maybe you’re just really overthinking this whole thing

Neil: maybe

Matt: ohmygod

Matt: that’s, why didn’t I think of it like that

Matt: that’s a good point

Neil: yeh?

Matt: I love you so much

Neil: haha

Neil: um

Neil: ok

Matt: I’m so glad you’re in my life

Neil: rly?

Matt: yeh! You’re a good friend, and you’re a really good listener

Neil: ok

Matt: RIGHT

Matt: I’ll message her. I’ll do it now!

Neil: yeh

Matt: you alright?

Neil: I’m fine

Neil: yeh

Neil: good luck

Matt: THANKS

---

Neil: hey so

Neil: I went on a date

Neil: with a girl?

Neil: sorry, nsfw

Neil: haha

Neil: anyway

Neil: it was pretty boring

Neil: but at least I tried right?

Neil: allison says life is a ladder

Neil: um, anyway, that’s not what I meant to say

Neil: I want to know how your date went

Neil: do you date a lot?

Neil: I guess I thought you hated tinder

Neil: you said your cousin signed you up

Neil: but I dunno

Neil: anyway

Neil: I wanna hear about it

Neil: and um, I dunno

Neil: I wanna hear all about you

Neil: uh yeah

Neil: anyway

---

Neil: wanna hear a joke?

Andrew: i don't know neil, do i dare

Chapter Text

Neil: hey

Neil: :)

Andrew: where’s my joke

Andrew: have I been lured under false pretences

Neil: no

Neil: um

Neil: ok

Neil: knock knock

Andrew: who’s there

Neil: neil

Andrew: …

Andrew: neil who

Neil: hey it’s me

Neil: I can’t believe you’ve forgotten me already

Andrew: …

Neil: hi

Andrew: I could be asleep right now

Andrew: for this, I have risen

Neil: my message woke you up?

Andrew: was awake already

Neil: why?

Andrew: anyway

Andrew: why are you awake

Neil: I have a test this week

Neil: I can’t sleep

Neil: I’m pretty sure I’m gonna fail

Andrew: is that because you have never once read a math

Neil: I study

Andrew: when

Neil: like an hour ago

Andrew: ok

Neil: and tomorrow

Andrew: ok

Neil: how’s it going

Andrew: if you’re gonna be boring I’m going back to sleep

Neil: you said you were already awake

Andrew: what’s 12 + 10

Neil: …22

Andrew: great

Andrew: nailing it

Neil: it’s not that sort of test

Andrew: how hard can math be

Andrew: what’s the test on

Neil: how was your date?

Andrew: shut up

Andrew: I will look up hard math

Neil: you don’t scare me

Neil: …andrew?

---

Andrew: In this question, X and Y are path-connected, locally simply connected spaces

Neil: ??

Andrew: Andrew is typing…

Neil: shit

Neil: wait

Neil: let me get my pencil

---

Allison: do you still want a ride to campus?

Allison: neil

Allison: hedgehog

Allison: don’t you have a study session

Allison: I have knocked on your door twice don’t make me come in there

Allison: why am I awake if you are not

Allison: what is the purpose to this early existence

Allison: I’m eating your porridge

Allison: goodbye porridge

Allison: mm yummy

Neil: shit shit shit 2 minutes

Allison: oh hello

---

Neil: have you seen my red textbook

Allison: uh huh

Allison: [image attached]

Neil: shit

Allison: want me to drive back with it

Neil: please

Allison: what will you give me for it

Neil: favors

Allison: good enough

---

Neil: andrew

Andrew: shouldn’t you be studying

Neil: I am, I’m with my group right now

Neil: but wait

Neil: listen

Neil: why shouldn’t you bring alcohol to a math party

Andrew: no

Neil: because

Neil: …

Neil: you shouldn’t drink and derive

Andrew: ten years you have taken off my life, ten

Neil: :)

---

Neil: [image attached]

Andrew: that does not look like math

Neil: what do you think

Andrew: of your future as a mathematician?

Andrew: poor

Andrew: of your future as an artist?

Andrew: dire

Neil: hey

Neil: I think it’s pretty good

Andrew: they’re fox paws, neil

Neil: so you know what they are

Neil: I am so good at drawing

Andrew: read your fucking textbook

Neil: yep

---

Dan: neil!!

Neil: hi??

Dan: I mean

Dan: not that I care

Dan: but I just thought I’d let you know

Dan: The Hunk Has Landed

Neil: ah yes

Neil: I sort of knew that

Neil: assuming you mean he texted you

Neil: I don’t really want to know if you mean something else

Dan: ;)

--- 

Matt: I TEXTED HER

Neil: I’m aware

Matt: she told you??

Neil: yep

Matt: ok

Matt: what exactly did she say

Matt: if you don’t mind

Neil: matt I have a huge test this week, I’m trying to study

Matt: yeh yeh I hear you

Matt: ok like briefly

Matt: exact words if you can

Neil: you texted her, what did she say to you?

Matt: I asked if she wanted to hang sometime

Matt: and she said

Matt: “sure”

Matt: 😍 !!!!!!!!

Neil: that’s great matt

Matt: ok your turn

Neil: then will you let me study

Matt: maybe

Matt: joking! of course I will!

Matt: what did she say to you

Matt: exactly

Neil: “The Hunk Has Landed”

Matt: :O

---

Neil: so matt and dan are finally going on a date

Andrew: have you done lots of math

Neil: yes, mom

Andrew: show me

Neil: wait

Neil: [image attached]

Andrew: that sure looks dull

Andrew: are those more fox paws

Neil: no

Andrew: what are you doing now

Neil: waiting for bus

Andrew: thrilling

Andrew: ok tell me your little story

Neil: it’s not my story

Andrew: ok

Neil: idk there’s nothing to tell

Andrew: boring

---

Neil: what are you guys doing for your date?

Matt: well

Matt: oh SHIT

Neil: what

Matt: I HAVE NO IDEA

Neil: ok

Matt: I just ASKED

Neil: that’s probably fine

Matt: I am UNWORTHY

Neil: um

Matt: I just said like “do you wanna hang some time” and she said “sure” and I’ve been so excited I haven’t planned anything

Matt: shitshitshit

Matt: help??

Neil: with what

Matt: NEIL

---

Neil: I think matt wants me to help plan his date

Andrew: ho ho

Neil: what

Andrew: I was laughing

Andrew: that is a good joke

Neil: rude

Andrew: you have been on two dates neil

Andrew: I mean, presumably

Neil: yes

Neil: yes I’ve only been on two dates

Neil: no other dates

Neil: two

Neil: yeh, the ones I’ve told you about

Andrew: great

Andrew: and they were disasters?

Neil: and they were disasters

Neil: I hate everyone remember

Andrew: right

Andrew: and Boyd was there for one of them

Andrew: he should know better

Andrew: I’m starting to think less of this man

Neil: want to help plan his date?

Andrew: why would I want that

---

Andrew: Andrew is typing…

---

Neil: ok

Matt: yes??

Neil: um I have some ideas

Matt: HIT ME

Neil: you could take her on a hot air balloon ride

Neil: at sunset

Neil: with a bottle of champagne

Neil: and a boombox playing celine dion

Matt: …

Neil: um it could be really romantic

Matt: hmm

Matt: that’s a really interesting idea neil thank you

---

Neil: [screenshot attached]

Neil: why do I talk to you

Andrew: sparkling wit

Andrew: imagination

Andrew: smiles

Andrew: :)

Neil: stop

Andrew: never

Neil: :)

Andrew: you forgot the top hats

Andrew: I cannot trust you to do anything right

Neil: do you think that would have persuaded him

Andrew: I don’t think you’re in a position to judge what would work in this context

Neil: have you ever worn a top hat on a date?

Andrew: who knows neil

Andrew: I am an enigma

Neil: interesting

---

Allison: bring me popcorn

Neil: ok

Allison: I demand movies

Allison: and good company

Allison: shall I invite the laaadies

Allison: …neil?

Neil: sorry yeah go for it I’m happy with whatever

Allison: you’re… happy? with?? whatever???

Allison: wtf is happening

---

Neil: no, I really don’t

Andrew: I don’t believe you

Neil: I don’t have any hats

Andrew: what do you do when it’s cold

Neil: I don’t get that cold

Andrew: this is a safe space

Andrew: you can be honest

Andrew: do you own a beanie

Neil: no

Andrew: hmm

Neil: what

Andrew: you should try it

Neil: try what

Andrew: I’m not going to repeat myself

Neil: try a beanie

Andrew: anyway

Neil: on my head

Andrew: where else

Neil: why?

Andrew: I need to go find my top hat

Neil: you don’t own a top hat

Neil: do you think I’d look good in a beanie?

Andrew: how would I know

Neil: hey

Neil: you think I would look good in a beanie

Andrew: I’ve never seen you

Neil: the photo on my bio

Neil: I have caught you

Andrew: doing what

Andrew: why did you only upload one photo anyway

Neil: I don’t get a minute to enjoy this?

Andrew: no

---

Allison: babes

Allison: can you see neil’s phone

Renee: why?

Dan: no

Dan: why what are we doing

Dan: I love it already

Renee: no, I can’t

Renee: he is texting a lot isn’t he

Renee: I will ask

Allison: why would you just ask when we could sneak??

---

Renee: al would like to know what you are doing on your phone

Neil: tell her I’m writing grocery lists

Renee: ha ha, neil

Renee: ok

---

Renee: he said he’s writing grocery lists

Dan: OMG

Allison: EXCUSE ME

Dan: hedgehog is funny

Dan: who knew

Allison: RIGHT

---

Allison: WHO ARE YOU TEXTING

Neil: wait a sec

Allison: how dare you

---

Neil: al wants to know what I’m doing on my phone

Andrew: so tell her

Neil: I haven’t um really told her about you

Andrew: ok

Andrew: tell her you’re doing math

Neil: on my phone

Andrew: I’ve heard math is universal

Neil: hahaha

Neil: ok

---

Allison: WELL?

Neil: math

Allison: wait

Allison: what??

Allison: you’re texting math ???

Allison: that doesn’t even

Allison: I cannot

Allison: babe

Allison: I actually can’t

Allison: I need a warm bath

---

Andrew: answer my question

Neil: you’re just grumpy because you’ve been caught

Neil: and I dunno

Neil: it was the only photo on my phone

Neil: al said I had to learn to take photos, so she made me take that one of myself

Andrew: ok

Neil: you’re no better you know

Neil: what’s this one of the blurry side of your face and cigarette smoke and, a skatepark?

Andrew: I’m an enigma

Neil: sure

Neil: hey you’re almost smiling in this one

Andrew: how dare you

Neil: :)

Andrew: anyway

Neil: shh

Neil: I’m busy

Andrew: doing what

Neil: wait

Neil: there’s two of you in this one

Andrew: oh no

Andrew: are you having a stroke

Andrew: how many fingers am I holding up

Neil: stop

Neil: you have a twin?

Andrew: yes

Neil: you never said

Andrew: I said I had a brother

Neil: you conveniently left out the fact he looks almost exactly like you

Andrew: irrelevant information

Andrew: almost

Neil: well yeh

Neil: he looks angry

Andrew: ?

Neil: you said you don’t get angry

Neil: I assume showing any kind of emotion would be beneath you

Andrew: you know what happens when you assume

Neil: you kick my ass?

Andrew: I would not stoop to such levels

Neil: you would not have to stoop

Neil: I’m taller than you

Andrew: how can you tell

Neil: you’ve written it in your bio

Neil: I’m three inches taller

Andrew: huh

Neil: what

Andrew: so neil

Andrew: if you’re done invading my privacy

Neil: these are the photos *you* chose

Neil: aw whose cat is this??

Andrew: have you really not looked through these before

Neil: why would I have done

Andrew: this is a dating app

Andrew: how someone looks is the whole point

Neil: oh

Andrew: to some people

Neil: yeh

Neil: well

Andrew: never mind

Neil: ok

---

Andrew: neil

Neil: yes

Andrew: what is green and has wheels

Neil: um

Neil: hmm

Neil: dunno

Andrew: grass

Neil: !

Neil: grass does not have wheels??

Andrew: the wheels bit was to throw you off

Neil: you lied to me

Andrew: it’s a fucking joke

Neil: betrayed

Neil: ridiculed

Neil: I thought you didn’t lie

Andrew: when did I say that

Neil: andrew “I hate liars”…whatever your surname is

Andrew: I don’t lie

Andrew: you wanted a joke

Neil: I literally didn’t

Neil: you started this

Andrew: and I can end it

Neil: :(

Andrew: stop

---

Andrew: what is happening in front of your face

Neil: do you mean what am I doing

Andrew: that’s what I said

Neil: movie night

Andrew: I thought you had a test

Neil: I’m taking a break

Andrew: ok

Neil: what are you doing

Andrew: you mean what is happening in front of my face

Neil: sure that’s what I said

Andrew: very little

Andrew: I’m home

Neil: alone?

Andrew: yup

Neil: cool

---

Neil: what do you like doing

Andrew: define your terms

Neil: um

Neil: ok what do you choose to do when you’re alone

Andrew: study, smoke

Andrew: books

Neil: you read?

Andrew: yes

Andrew: I did suspect you could not

Neil: what books do you like reading

Andrew: anything

Andrew: there’s a library on my way home from campus

Neil: you read anything?

Andrew: yep

Neil: cool

Neil: I don’t really

Neil: read, I mean

Neil: I can though

Andrew: I believe you

Neil: maybe you can recommend something to me sometime

Andrew: ok

Neil: ok

---

Neil: ok I got one

Andrew: joy

Andrew: do I need to prepare, mentally, as it were

Andrew: I usually do

Neil: listen

Neil: a man runs into a supermarket

Andrew: yeh

Neil: apologises, and steps carefully to the side

Andrew: right

Neil: …that’s it

Andrew: ok

Neil: it’s like one of yours

Andrew: no, it’s not

Neil: :(:(:(

Andrew: stop that

---

Neil: movie was boring

Andrew: what was it

Neil: I didn’t even ask

Neil: it had sharks in it

Neil: they were in the sky a lot of the time

Andrew: you do movies wrong

Neil: mostly I just looked at my phone

Neil: and talked to you

Andrew: like I said

Neil: I dunno I think I prefer my way

Andrew: you are

Andrew: intolerable

Neil: haha

Neil: sure

Neil: anyway

Neil: I’m going to bed

Andrew: ok

Neil: ok

---

Andrew: you awake

Neil: no

Andrew: ok

Neil: talk to me anyway

Andrew: needy

Neil: I’m up

Andrew: in bed?

Neil: yeh

Neil: you?

Andrew: yeh

Neil: ok

Neil: what’s up?

Andrew: earlier, I said something

Andrew: I want to clarify

Andrew: it’s ok to use dating apps however you like

Andrew: I did not mean to imply there was only one right way

Andrew: most people are incredibly shallow

Andrew: it is ok to be different

Neil: oh, well

Neil: but – yeah, thanks

Neil: I don’t really know, is the problem

Andrew: I know

---

Neil: you awake

Andrew: yeh

Neil: you never answered my question

Andrew: you ask too many questions

Neil: I really don’t

Andrew: I’m seeing the guy again this weekend

Neil: oh

Neil: ok, yeh

Neil: cool

Andrew: he is extremely boring

Neil: yeh?

Andrew: all he talks about is exy

Neil: really

Neil: how did you manage that

Andrew: I am incredibly unlucky

Andrew: it follows me everywhere

Andrew: it brought me to you, apparently

Neil: haha

Neil: um

Neil: ok so why are you seeing him again

Andrew: boredom

Neil: I don’t really get it

Neil: if he’s boring what do you get out of it

Andrew: what do you think, neil

Neil: oh

Neil: shit

Neil: sorry

Neil: of course

Andrew: neil

Neil: haha

Neil: yeh cool

Andrew: are you ok

Neil: yep

Neil: yeh that makes sense

Neil: that’s what everyone else wants

Neil: I get it

Andrew: right

---

Neil: sorry, you’re probably asleep

Neil: I can’t

Neil: I was thinking

Neil: you know, I can

Neil: I think I should probably just

Neil: I could leave you alone, if you want

Neil: you came here for something I don’t know if I can do

Neil: and, that’s cool, really

Neil: if you want me to fuck off

Neil: I’ll do whatever you want

Andrew: neil

Andrew: I never do anything I don’t want to do

Andrew: and you’re going to make yourself sick with all that thinking

Neil: I can’t sleep anyway

Neil: I dunno

Neil: I like talking to you

Andrew: ok

Andrew: then we don’t have a problem

Neil: ok

---

Andrew: when you said earlier

Andrew: the question

Neil: yeh

Andrew: I know that’s not the question you meant

Neil: no

Andrew: so, let me just

Andrew: this isn’t one-sided

Andrew: I won’t just take something from you

Andrew: if you don’t know what you want

Andrew: I won’t ask anything of you until you can give me a yes I can believe

Neil: oh

Neil: I don’t, uh, oh right

Neil: right

Neil: so

Neil: you do like me

Neil: but you won’t ask me out?

Neil: …andrew?

---

Andrew: yes

---

Neil: oh

Neil: Neil is typing…

---

Neil: ok

Chapter Text

Neil: ok

Andrew: don’t

Neil: what

Andrew: nothing has changed

Andrew: don’t pretend it has

Neil: yeh no I wasn’t um going to

Neil: yeh ok

Andrew: ok

---

Andrew: goodnight neil

Neil: um

Neil: yeh ok

Neil: goodnight andrew

---

Allison: babe can I take your clothes out the dryer

Neil: yes

Neil: I mean sorry

Neil: I forgot

Allison: clearly

Allison: you home?

Neil: in bed

Neil: with a textbook

Allison: saucy

Neil: very

---

Neil: hey

Matt: hey!

Matt: how’s it going?

Neil: yeh fine

Matt: great!

Neil: how are you

Matt: can’t complain my man

Matt: 😊

Neil: cool

---

Matt: was there anything else?

Neil: um

Neil: no

Neil: sorry

Matt: ok cool 😊

---

Neil: hey

Matt: hey!

Neil: so

Matt: yeh……….???

Neil: oh

Neil: I did that math test

Matt: ah great, yeah I knew that was last week

Matt: how did it go?

Neil: yeah ok I think

Neil: math is easy

Matt: haha

Matt: if you say so, I dunno

Matt: it looks hard

Neil: anyway

Neil: can I ask you something

Matt: yeh?

Matt: always!

Matt: what’s on your mind?

Neil: cool

Neil: yeh

---

Matt: ???

Matt: where’dya go

---

Neil: oh sorry

Neil: allison needed me

Neil: clothes emergency

Neil: talk later yeh

Matt: um… ok??

Matt: gonna hold you to that though

Matt: Neil?

Matt: >:/

---

Dan: ladies

Dan: the big D lands this weekend

Allison: Oh REaLlYlyLYLylLYLylY

Renee: I’m right here

Allison: I can’t even *talk* dick?

Dan: constitutional rights!

Renee: talk away

Dan: THANK YOU

Dan: so he’s taking me out

Dan: I don’t know where

Dan: I am viewing this as an experiment

Allison: yeh yeh

Allison: great!

Allison: in what

Dan: you know

Dan: dating people who are not myself

Allison: fantastic

Renee: you should ask neil for advice

Dan: SNORT

Dan: that’s different

Renee: how?

Dan: he’s a hedgehog trying to work out when he wants to come out of his small spiky curly ball of sadness

Dan: I’m basically wonder woman trying to decide whether to reward men with my existence

Allison: 10 out of 10 correct facts

Renee: I don’t think neil’s sad

Allison: um babe have you seen him recently

Allison: he always looks contemplative

Allison: or is entirely engrossed in his phone and won’t tell me why

Allison: or like is avoiding his phone entirely?

Allison: or starts sentences and doesn’t finish them

Allison: honestly it’s a little weird

Dan: very hedgehoggy

Renee: hmm

Dan: anyway on with the D

Renee: oh yes sorry

Renee: dick away

Dan: you are such a good friend

Renee: :)

---

Neil: watcha doing

Andrew: see right there

Neil: what?

Andrew: weird

Neil: that wasn’t being weird!

Andrew: you have never once used the word ‘watcha’

Andrew: it isn’t even a word

Neil: you don’t know me

Andrew: clearly

Neil: alright fine

---

Neil: hello, homeboy, what is up

Andrew: for what am I being punished lord

Neil: depends, what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done

Andrew: I’m not sure that’s really what you want to ask

Neil: you’re right it’s not

Andrew: I scare them away neil

Andrew: this is who I am

Neil: no, but then I’d have to tell you what mine is

Andrew: would you?

Andrew: interesting

Neil: wait that wasn’t an invitation

Andrew: ok

---

Andrew: do you want to play a game

Neil: maybe

Neil: am I allowed to use whatever words I want

Andrew: no

Neil: what’s the game

Andrew: tell me something real

Neil: truth?

Andrew: sure

Neil: and then you tell me something?

Andrew: yes

Neil: ok

Neil: like what?

Andrew: anything

Neil: hmm

Neil: um

Neil: are you gonna be mean about it

Andrew: almost certainly

Andrew: is that ok

Neil: I’d expect nothing less

---

Andrew: well?

Andrew: where’s my truth

Andrew: gimme

Neil: I have no idea what to say

Neil: I’m not very interesting honestly

Andrew: I don’t think that’s true

Neil: I’m not really used to talking about myself

Andrew: I would never have guessed

Neil: is this you being mean

Andrew: I’m just warming you up

Neil: haha

Neil: um

Neil: ok

---

Neil: I don’t know what kind of thing you want but

Neil: you probably already know this really.

Neil: ali is my only friend

Andrew: yeh

Neil: I mean, was my only friend

Neil: I have some friends now

Neil: but they’re all because of her

Andrew: really

Neil: well you know she made me sign up to this dating app

Andrew: that wasn’t the clarification I was looking for, I knew that

Neil: sorry

Andrew: good lord

Neil: right

Neil: I mean, you know, so I met um you

Neil: and then matt

Neil: through this

Neil: and her girlfriend and best friend are kinda my friends now

Neil: I met ali my second year of college and before then it was just me

Andrew: just you

Neil: yeh um

Neil: well

Neil: anyway

Neil: your turn

Andrew: I don’t have any friends

Neil: why not?

Andrew: waste of time

Neil: hmm

Neil: you have your brother and cousin though

Andrew: family

Neil: right

Neil: and date guy?

Andrew: convenient

Neil: ok

Neil: and me?

Andrew: excuse me

Andrew: it’s your turn

Neil: that’s all I get??

Andrew: life’s tough neil

---

Dan: hedgehog can I ask your advice

Neil: danielle

Neil: ask away

Dan: I’m dating your leftovers tonight

Neil: god

Dan: any words of advice?

Dan: like if for example you could tell me exactly how resistable you were that’d be great, so I can just do the opposite

Neil: fuck off

Dan: just to clarify you didn’t actually See Dick did you?

Neil: I’m going now

---

Matt: NEIL

Neil: hi

Matt: I’m seeing Dan tonight

Neil: yeh I know

Neil: it’ll be great

Matt: I KNOW

Matt: I’m so hyped man

Matt: she’s gorgeous

Neil: good luck

Matt: thanks!

Matt: any words of advice?

---

Neil: for fuck’s sake

Andrew: what

Neil: dan and matt are going out tonight on their date

Neil: and both want my advice

Andrew: ha

Andrew: you

Neil: I know, I agree

Neil: why

Neil: shouldn’t my complete inability to handle my own life at least get me out of having to handle other people’s

Andrew: life just isn’t fair

Neil: I know you’re mocking me, but it’s true

Andrew: tell them that

Neil: that life isn’t fair or that you’re mocking me

Andrew: that you’re incapable, of just about everything, and then ask some completely neil question that will distract their attention

Neil: they already know I’m incapable

Andrew: that doesn’t surprise me

Neil: and anyway

Neil: I’m trying, you know

Andrew: trying what

Neil: to be less

Neil: I don’t know

Neil: I don’t want my friends to think I’m using them for advice about my problems

Neil: that’s not all I’m here for

Andrew: right

---

Neil: um just be yourself matt

Neil: you’re great, honestly

Neil: and she’s already met you so

Neil: uh

Neil: be cool? yeh?

Matt: god you are so nice

Matt: I wish there was time to come over for a big NEIL HUG before I had to pick her up

Neil: haha

Neil: uh

Neil: I’ll owe you?

Matt: damn right!

Matt: :D

Neil: :)

---

Allison: danny dandan do you need a pep talk

Renee: ooh are you leaving soon

Dan: any second!

Dan: I am applying lipstick

Allison: *and* typing??

Neil: girls are insane

Dan: thank you neil yes we’re quite spectacular

Dan: you still owe me a pep talk btw

Allison: lmao

Renee: :)

Neil: excuse me

Dan: don’t mind them they’re just laughing at you

Neil: I’m aware

Neil: look just

Neil: idk

Neil: aren’t dates kinda bullshit?

Neil: can’t you just be yourself and if he doesn’t like that he’s a moron?

Dan: i

Allison: you know

Renee: :)

Dan: yeah

Allison: actually that’s

Allison: exactly right

Dan: huh

Renee: what a nice thing to say neil

Neil: was it?

Dan: neil I think I might be a little bit in love with you

Neil: um

Allison: DON’T SCARE HIM AWAY DANIELLE

Dan: only hedgehog calls me danielle

Neil: haha yeh, damn right

---

Neil: what you doing tonight

Andrew: it’s Saturday

Neil: yeh?

Andrew: …

Neil: oh

Neil: shit

Neil: I mean yeh

Neil: your date right

Neil: with date guy

Neil: I forgot

Andrew: thrilling conversation as always

Neil: hey, I hope it goes ok

Neil: do you want a pep talk? :)

Andrew: why would I want that

Neil: idk

Neil: everyone is going on a date tonight, I’ve already given two date night pep talks

Neil: is this what normal people do on a Saturday?

Andrew: yes

Neil: well

Andrew: what are you doing tonight

Neil: you mean what will happen in front of my face

Andrew: don’t be cute

Neil: as if I could

Andrew: shut up

Neil: allison is going out with renee, so

Neil: I think I’ll watch tv or something

Andrew: hmm

Neil: what

Andrew: nothing

Neil: ok

Andrew: well now I want a pep talk

Andrew: mostly, you understand, because I am intrigued to see what nonsense comes out of your mouth

Neil: hah

Neil: well

Neil: ok wait I’ll write a list…

Andrew: I cannot wait

Neil: Neil is typing…

---

Andrew: drat I cannot find my top hat

Andrew: however will I pull now

---

Andrew: maybe tonight you can buy me a replacement top hat

Andrew: do some online shopping with your little Saturday evening

Andrew: since you made me mislay mine

Andrew: as a sort of thank you for listening to your mundane conversation

Andrew: an apology, if you will, for existing

---

Andrew: you’re very boring when you’re trying hard you know

Andrew: don’t you miss the good old days

Andrew: when neither of us were trying at all

---

Neil: a pep talk, for one andrew whatever your surname is. I don’t really know what a pep talk is but I googled it and it said I’m supposed to make you feel courageous or enthusiastic, so. No.1: exy. Ok so you don’t like talking about exy and I know we pretend you don’t like exy but look we both know you do and I think I’ve done EXCRUTIATINGLY WELL not to bring that up at all so let me have this. Just let him talk about exy for a bit. Maybe he’ll be um. More enthusiastic afterwards. I like talking about exy. There’s something very relaxing about it. Like I can just kindof retreat, you know, into this space where like, you don’t have to care or worry what anyone thinks of you, or whether you’re saying any of the right things. Exy isn’t judgemental. That might help? Anyway. No.2: date guy. Ask him about himself. You’re good at that. Let him talk, because I think you prefer to listen. Don’t test him, you don’t need to do that. But see what he talks about when given the chance. Maybe he’ll be less boring than you think. Ask him how he feels about his family. No.3: truths. Andrew do not tell him the worst thing you’ve ever done. I still want to know. Save it for me. Date guy might be put off though. Tell him you like top hats, and sunsets. Tell him your favourite jokes aren’t funny at all, and that your favourite bit about a joke is the bit where the other person doesn’t laugh and you get to explain it. Tell him your favourite films are ones that make you kind of sad and you like to pretend you don’t know why. Tell him you like stories about fast cars, and friends who pretend they’re family, and people who find it hard to talk to each other. I don’t know. Tell him those things. No.4: don’t let him be as interesting as me. haha. sorry.

---

Neil: andrew?

---

Andrew: fuck

Neil: what??

Andrew: do you have any idea

Neil: …

Andrew: I have to go

Andrew: I have to leave my house now

Neil: ok… sorry was that not a good pep talk

Andrew: you are just

Andrew: I cannot

Andrew: I have to go

Neil: ok

Andrew: ok

Andrew: have a nice evening

Andrew: find me a top hat

Neil: haha

Neil: ok

Neil: I’ll pick out some good ones

Andrew: see that you do

Neil: ok andrew

Andrew: right

Andrew: ok

Andrew: bye

Chapter Text

Matt: omg

Neil: yeh?

Matt: omg neil

Neil: um

Neil: did it go well matt

Matt: I’m coming round

Neil: now??

Matt: I have to

Matt: you don’t understand

Neil: well

Neil: ok

Matt: ARE YOU SURE

Neil: yes

Neil: sure

Neil: it’s midnight

Matt: this absolutely cannot wait

Matt: if it could, I would

Neil: and we can’t just talk here

Matt: why talk by text when you could in person??

Neil: uh

Neil: loads of reasons

Neil: but I’m getting up

Matt: oh man you were in bed

Neil: matt it’s like gone midnight

Matt: we’re young! Vital! It’s a Saturday!

Matt: what have you been up to

Neil: nothing really

Neil: watched some tv

Matt: great!

Matt: ok how about tomorrow

Neil: I thought it couldn’t wait

Matt: compromise, I will TELL YOU EVERYTHING here

Neil: yeah

Matt: and then tell you everything again in person tomorrow??

Neil: haha

Neil: ok

Neil: sounds good

Matt: ok get back into bed

Neil: ok

Matt: are you comfy

Neil: yes

Matt: look I just want to tell you something

Neil: I can guess

Matt: she’s fucking perfect man

Neil: :)

---

Allison: well?? Are we getting DEETS

Renee: (I’m home!)

Allison: (as pleased as I am for your safety babe tonight there are priorities)

Renee: (my apologies for putting knowledge of my safety above The Dick)

Allison: (apology accepted)

Allison: (I love you shutup)

Renee: ( :) )

Dan: if you guys are done

Allison: !!!

Allison: dan, light of my life

Allison: did you get some??

Renee: how did it go? :)

Dan: well

Dan: here are the results

Dan: firstly, he’s cute

Renee: correct

Dan: secondly, he is Hunk

Allison: can confirm

Dan: thirdly he is actually super funny? Like, not in a way I usually like to be honest, he’s a bit too kind. But. Well. It’s quite sweet actually.

Allison: omg who are you

Renee: this is very exciting danielle

Dan: fourthly I want to ride him til there’s so much sweat in our eyes we both go blind

Allison: OMG DAN

Renee: how sweet

Neil: did this have to include me

---

Matt: thanks for hanging out with me today buddy :)

Neil: you don’t have to thank me matt

Neil: thanks for coming over

Matt: you seemed a bit quiet?

Neil: oh

Neil: no

Matt: well, maybe I misread

Neil: yeh

Matt: but thanks for listening, you’re a great guy neil, letting me ramble about your hot friend

Neil: it’s what I’m here for

Matt: haha

---

Neil: how was your weekend?

Andrew: how dull

Neil: ok

Neil: how many nipples does a possum have

Andrew: is this going to be a joke

Neil: i guess it depends on your outlook

Andrew: what?

Neil: answer the question

Andrew: I don’t know how many nipples a possum has

Andrew: why on earth would I know that

Neil: they have 13!

Neil: 13, andrew

Neil: why

Andrew: I can see you’ve had a very productive couple of days

Neil: it’s weird, why the odd number

Andrew: this is a strange conversation

Neil: and you know where the odd-one-out nipple goes?

Andrew: I am screenshotting, printing, and framing you talking to me about odd-one-out nipples

Neil: IN THE MIDDLE

Neil: nature is full of circles, you know

Neil: math rules

Andrew: I think I preferred it when you were being dull

Neil: so then tell me how your weekend was

Andrew: my weekend was dull

Neil: great

Andrew: see how much better we both do when no nipples are involved

Neil: dunno seems dull to me

Andrew: what is wrong with you

Neil: :)

---

Neil: are you not going to tell me how your date went

Andrew: you haven’t asked

Neil: I asked how your weekend was

Andrew: and I answered

Neil: so your date was dull

Andrew: did I say that

Neil: god

Neil: difficult

Neil: fine

Neil: keep your secrets, asshole

Andrew: you can ask

Neil: maybe I don’t want to now

Andrew: and he calls me difficult

---

Neil: hey matt

Matt: hey buddy 😊 how’s your week going

Neil: yeh ok

Matt: !!! ok?

Matt: anything I can do to make it more like a really great??

Neil: um I just wanted to talk to you

Neil: if that’s ok

Matt: of course!

Matt: I kinda wondered if there was something last week, you said you wanted to ask me something?

Neil: yeh

Matt: ok! want me to come round?

Neil: oh

Neil: no, it’s ok

Neil: allison and renee are here

Matt: ok

Matt: is this not an allison and renee friendly topic?

Neil: well, it’s not that

Neil: I just

Neil: it’s nothing really

Matt: ah crap I’m scaring you off

Matt: pretend I said nothing

Matt: no expectations, no judgements, what’s on your mind

Matt: 👀

Neil: right

Neil: there’s a thing

Neil: that I’m not sure what to do with

Matt: ok, tell me more

Neil: and I need to work out what I want to do with it

Matt: right

Neil: um

Matt: this might be kind of hard without any words

Neil: fuck

Matt: oh, sorry

Matt: your way is fine!

Matt: I love you

Neil: stop it

Neil: I’m just thinking

Matt: ok think away

Matt: I’m here :)

---

Neil: so, there’s this guy

Matt: oh

Matt: a guy

Matt: neil

Matt: I see

Matt: is there?

Neil: god

Matt: what

Neil: thank you for not dying on me

Matt: I am dying on the inside neil

Matt: I think we should all take a moment to appreciate my restraint

Neil: haha

Neil: ok

Matt: there’s a guy 👀👀

Neil: not like that

Neil: I don’t mean

Neil: I mean there’s this guy I’m, I guess he’s my friend

Matt: how did you guys meet?

Neil: on tinder

Matt: right

Matt: when

Neil: oh weeks ago

Matt: weeks??

Matt: you didn’t tell me

Neil: I met him before I met you

Matt: oh!

Matt: so, there’s this guy

Matt: but not like that

Matt: but who you met on a dating app

Matt: who you’ve been talking to for literally weeks

Matt: and kind of havent told anyone about

Matt: but want to ask me something about

Neil: um

Neil: yeah I guess so

Matt: right

Matt: I need to sit down

Neil: the thing is

Neil: he likes me

Neil: I think

Neil: I mean, he kind of told me he does

Neil: but he’s dating this other guy

Neil: so maybe, I dunno

Neil: maybe I misunderstood

Neil: sometimes he seems to find me irritating

Neil: but I think he kind of likes that

Matt: 👁

Neil: so um

Neil: I’d already told him I’d never liked anyone, like that

Neil: never really dated before

Neil: and I guess he said he didn’t want to ask anything of me until I knew what I was comfortable with

Matt: wow

Matt: neil that’s kind of sweet

Neil: yeh

Matt: and what did you say

Neil: nothing!

Neil: how am I supposed to know what anything means

Neil: like, how do you know you want

Neil: I don’t, you know

Neil: like, I’ve never really felt anything like that towards anyone

Neil: so how am I supposed to know if I do now

Matt: ok

Matt: I’m hyped

Matt: first of all I love you

Matt: and you’re great as you are

Neil: matt

Matt: right sorry

Matt: ok well do you think that maybe asking this question in the first place might be kind of a sign?

Neil: of what?

Matt: of questioning, at least

Matt: I know someone who identified as asexual for a while, and then met someone that he felt an attraction to, and that was super uncomfortable for him for a while, but the two of them were falling really hard for each other and figured it out and he feels more demi now

Neil: what?

Matt: you know

Matt: wait, which bit are you saying what to

Neil: um

Neil: I don’t know what asexual means

Matt: oh

Matt: neil

Matt: I kinda figured you maybe identified as asexual

Neil: ??

Matt: well, I guess it means not experiencing sexual attraction, in some way. everyone’s different you know

Matt: you said you’ve never experienced sexual attraction?

Neil: right but

Neil: I figured I just hadn’t yet

Neil: there’s a fucking word for that?

Matt: yeah! there’s a word for everything

Matt: isn’t that great

Neil: I don’t know

Matt: well

Matt: it’s not really my place, neil, but I wonder if that fits for you

Neil: right

Matt: sorry, does that make you uncomfortable?

Neil: I have no idea

Matt: but, you know sex isn’t everything right

Matt: it sounds like you do like this guy

Neil: I don’t know

Matt: no I mean, take away any of the pressure

Matt: like as a friend

Matt: do you think he’s awesome

Neil: oh

Neil: yeh

Neil: yeh I do

Neil: yeh he’s great

Neil: we talk all the time and it’s really, yeh, great

Matt: ok

Matt: I’ve never heard you talk about anyone like this before

Matt: I think you do know, really

Matt: that you feel differently about him than you do about me or ali

Neil: um

Neil: I don’t know

Matt: ok

Matt: it’s ok not to know

Matt: it sounds like he’s really understanding

Neil: god

Neil: I wish he would just ask me out, and then I can meet him, and see what happens

Matt: you wish he would ask you out

Matt: but you don’t know if you like him??

Neil: well

Neil: wait

Neil: I didn’t really mean it like that

Matt: NEIL

Neil: oh god I don’t know

Matt: this is adorable and squishy and I want to squish you so fucking hard

Neil: tomorrow?

Matt: please

Neil: I’m gonna sleep for a million years

Matt: great

Matt: then what? what’s the game plan?

Neil: I have no idea

---

Andrew: hey

Neil: hey!

Andrew: excuse me

Neil: oh

Neil: what

Neil: my finger slipped

Andrew: jesus

Neil: anyway what’s up

Andrew: well I don’t know if I want to engage you in conversation now, if you’re going to be so excitable

Neil: would you rather I was dull

Andrew: always

Neil: you lie

Andrew: anyway

Neil: :)

Andrew: what were you doing before your finger slipped

Neil: getting ready for bed

Andrew: what an exciting life you lead

Neil: putting pyjamas on

Andrew: tell me more

Neil: um, I guess I just wear sweatpants to bed

Andrew: for fuck’s sake neil I was joking

Neil: oh, sorry

Andrew: I hate you

Neil: sorry

Neil: uh

Neil: well

Neil: what are you doing

Andrew: eloquent

Andrew: in bed

Andrew: and not in the mood to divulge my clothing choices

Neil: haha

Neil: so I’ll just have to guess then

Andrew: don’t you dare

Neil: you hate the cold right

Neil: and you’re a goth

Neil: an old band tshirt?

Neil: sweatpants?

Andrew: you know, sometimes I imagine carving the skin from your body

Neil: how exciting

Andrew: shut up

Neil: go to sleep

Andrew: how am I supposed to sleep now

Neil: you mean, now I’ve got you all excited

Andrew: you are the worst human being

Andrew: how have you survived 21 years like this

Neil: luck

Andrew: hmm

Neil: I’m not even slightly tired

Andrew: sounds like your problem

Neil: tell me a joke

---

Allison: neil hun what are we doing today

Neil: matt’s coming round tonight :)

Allison: oh!

Allison: this is exciting

Neil: it is?

Allison: well he’s dating dan now

Allison: he’s not just a man

Allison: he’s a Man

Allison: do we need her permission?

Neil: what? why would we need that?

Allison: shut up I’m just thinking out loud

Neil: he’s my friend, and I’ve already invited him round, so

Allison: ok fine

Allison: what are we doing

Neil: whatever

Allison: exciting

---

Neil: um matt

Matt: yeah??

Neil: can you maybe not mention our conversation to ali?

Matt: of course!

Neil: thanks

Matt: you feel uncomfortable about talking to her?

Neil: oh, no

Neil: maybe

Neil: just, please don’t

Matt: sure thing

Matt: has sleep helped by the way

Matt: is there a game plan

Neil: god

Neil: idk

Matt: are you talking to him now?

Neil: yeh

Matt: what about??

---

Neil: see, I think you own several band shirts

Neil: and you just don’t want to tell me

Andrew: I’m not a hipster

Neil: I don’t even know what that is, andrew

Neil: stop trying to deflect

Neil: I just want you to tell me I’m right

Neil: so that this conversation can be over

Andrew: fine, sometimes I will sleep in an old tshirt with the name of a band I used to like on it

Andrew: now will you calm down

Neil: I win!

Neil: wow

Neil: must suck to be you right now huh

Andrew: you’re being weird today

Neil: :)

Andrew: jesus

---

Neil: oh uh, nothing really

Neil: we just kind of

Neil: I don’t know

Matt: talk shit?

Neil: pretty much

Matt: well that’s pretty fucking cute

Neil: no it isn’t

---

Neil: tell me a truth

Andrew: not for free

Neil: let’s play the game

Andrew: ok

Andrew: what do you want to know

Neil: what do you want to tell me

Andrew: my cousin didn’t make me sign up for tinder

Neil: oh

Andrew: see I do lie, I’m a terrible person really

Neil: shh

Neil: so why did you sign up?

Andrew: no

Andrew: it’s my turn

Andrew: truth me

Neil: fine

Neil: hmm

Neil: I never know what you might find interesting

Andrew: don’t play that game

Neil: what game

Andrew: look

Andrew: just

Andrew: anything

Neil: ok

Neil: well

Neil: ok

Neil: my mom died

Neil: right before I came to college

Neil: that’s why I came here, I guess

Andrew: ok

Neil: um

Neil: yeah

Neil: your turn?

Andrew: I don’t have a mother

Neil: she died?

Andrew: in a manner of speaking

Neil: I think we need to establish rules

Andrew: I was brought up in foster homes

Neil: oh

Andrew: and then I met my mother

Andrew: and now she is dead

Neil: right

Andrew: what’s your favourite colour

Neil: I thought we weren’t asking

Andrew: changed my mind

Neil: haha ok

Neil: I don’t know if I have a favourite colour

Neil: most of my clothes are grey

Neil: I like grey

Andrew: are you serious?

Neil: yeh why?

Andrew: wow, how mundane of you

Andrew: why I expected any different, I do not know

Neil: what’s yours?

Andrew: is that your question

Neil: no

Andrew: ok

Andrew: ask me something

Neil: why did you sign up to tinder?

Andrew: dirty trick

Neil: you literally told me to ask you something

Andrew: I asked your favourite colour

Andrew: I could have asked you anything

Andrew: what a waste

Neil: what would you have asked me?

Andrew: anyway

Neil: >:(

Andrew: jesus

Andrew: you’re a fucking menace

Neil: answer my question

Andrew: why does anyone do the things we do neil

Neil: stop it

Andrew: I’m answering you

Andrew: I signed up for hookups

Neil: oh

Neil: yeh I guess I knew that actually

Neil: um, ok, ask me something

Andrew: no

Neil: why not

Andrew: fine

Andrew: why did you start talking to me?

Neil: ah

Neil: to be honest

Neil: I’d rather not

Andrew: ok

Neil: thanks

Andrew: but you know I won’t care

Andrew: I literally can’t stand you

Andrew: how much worse can it get

Neil: I uh, I just kinda swiped right on the first five guys I saw

Neil: you know, um, as part of the experiment

Andrew: …

Andrew: christ you’re a mess aren’t you

Neil: rude

Neil: but yeh

Andrew: so fate has brought me here

Neil: what?

Andrew: fate, that cruel mistress

Neil: haha

Neil: oh I guess yeh

Andrew: however will I repay her

Neil: with gold, loads of gold, because you’re so lucky to have met me

Andrew: I was thinking coal

Andrew: at christmas

Andrew: and a frowny face

Andrew: >:(

Neil: haha

Andrew: stop it

---

Andrew: I assume you’re asleep

Andrew: I hope you are, honestly

Andrew: but you know that’s not why I’m here, right

---

Andrew: you know what never mind actually

Andrew: I just thought you should know

Andrew: but also I find you appalling

Andrew: and I hope you choke in your sleep, honestly

---

Neil: hey

Neil: well

Neil: that was a fun thing to wake up to

Andrew: shut up

Andrew: I hate you

Neil: yeh yeh

Neil: um, I don’t know how to answer you yet

Andrew: did I ask

Neil: no, but

Neil: I like talking to you

Neil: I don’t want you to leave

Andrew: did I say I would

Neil: I guess not

Andrew: then stop crying