Archive of Our Own ^beta

Their first practice session without Nazuna feels odd. 

It’s to be expected. Despite having reassured both themselves and Nazuna that they would be fine on their own, that they would be able to carry on as Ra*bits without Nazuna’s help, it feels odd. Unfamiliar. Lonely. 

They’ve practiced without Nazuna before, whenever Nazuna would be too busy with the tennis club or the broadcasting committee or Valkyrie or— anything really. Nazuna was a popular guy, appearing to know practically everyone at Yumenosaki. 

The remaining members of Ra*bits are not the only ones who miss his presence, but they are certainly the ones who miss him the most.  

Still, they know they have to keep going. Nazuna is only a phone call away should they really need his guidance, but there’s an unspoken agreement that that should be the last option. First, they must try to stand on their own, unsteady but determined. 

“Alright, since this is our first meeting of the new school year, I figured we should spend our time discussing the formalities. We can’t really practice anything if we don’t know what we should practice, or what we’re practicing for.”

“Formalities?” Mitsuru repeats, giving Tomoya a confused look from where he’s seated on top of a table. It’s where he would usually sit during meetings like these, swinging his legs back and forth— but his legs are too long now, and he’s forced to sway his upper body from side to side just to keep himself moving.  “Like tuxedos and fancy jewelry?”

Hajime gives a quiet chuckle as he sets down a tray of tea and cups. “Not quite. I think Tomoya-kun just wants to discuss what we should do as a unit before we get to practicing new things, right?”

Tomoya nods. “Right.” Despite the fact that it’s only Hajime and Mitsuru there with him, he can feel nervousness flutter in his stomach. He’s had months to prepare for becoming the leader, and yet now that the title is finally his, he feels almost scared. 

He knows he can do this and he knows he’s capable and he knows he’s allowed to make mistakes—

But he can’t let himself do that. 

Failure isn’t an option when they’ve gotten this far. Nazuna had put so much effort and money and care into raising this unit into what it is now, and Tomoya refuses to let it all go to waste. Nazuna has worked hard for this. They have all worked hard for this, and now it’s time to work even harder.

“First of all—” Tomoya starts again, trying to shake off the nervousness. Calm down, it’s just Hajime and Mitsuru. They’re your friends. “Should we try to recruit new members? From what I heard out in the hallways, there’s already some first years who are interested in joining us.”

“Heh, no wonder! We’re superstars now yanno, of course there’s lotsa people who wanna join us!” Mitsuru grins, trying to swing his legs again but just ending up kicking the floor. 

Hajime nods, handing Tomoya a cup of tea. “One actually came up to me and asked if we’re looking for more members… He was so cute too, I’m sure he would fit right in with our image.”

Tomoya hums. “I’m sure there’s lots of first years who could fit in with us. Our charm point is our cuteness after all. It kinda seems like some of them fit our image better than we do at this point.” 

Mitsuru goes still, blinking owlishly yet not saying anything.

“Hajime still looks cute, even more now that your hair has gotten even longer, but I got taller over the break, and so did Mitsuru--”

“But I’m still cute!” Mitsuru says, suddenly standing up. 

This time it’s Tomoya’s turn to blink in surprise. “Uh, yeah.” He pauses briefly, tilting his head to the side. “How much did you grow anyway? Now that you’re standing up, it looks like you’ve gotten even taller than I thought.”

“Wah, I’m kind of jealous…” Hajime says, though his voice is almost completely drowned out by Mitsuru. 

“Nn, that doesn’t matter, right? Tsukasa-chan got even taller than me yanno.”

“Don’t bring other people into this,” Tomoya says, voice firm as it usually is when he speaks to Mitsuru. “And it does matter. You might need a new uniform.”

Mitsuru squirms, looking visibly uncomfortable now for whatever reason, though Tomoya doesn’t pay it much attention. Knowing Mitsuru, he’ll be smiling again in two minutes. 

“If you need a new uniform, we should get one as soon as possible. I only grew a couple of centimeters, so mine should be fine. How about you, Hajime?”

“Ah, I haven’t grown at all,” he says with a sigh. “My mom seems happy about it… she was talking about how I’ll always be her ‘cute little Hajime.’ At this point, I’m scared my little brother will grow taller than me.” 

“I’ll give you some of my height, Hajime-chan!” Mitsuru suddenly jumps out of his daze, wrapping his arms around Hajime from behind and rubbing their cheeks together.

“Awawa— Mitsuru-kun, careful! I almost dropped my cup…!”

“I’m giving you my height!” Mitsuru announces, ignoring both Hajime’s words and the teacup. 

“Uuu, I don’t think that’s how it works…?”

Tomoya rolls his eyes, though he can’t help but smile at their antics. For a brief moment, the nervousness ebbs away, forgotten as the fondness for his friends surfaces— until the worries come crashing in once again, like stormy skies that refuse to leave. 

He heaves an exasperated sigh. “Mitsuru. Can you be serious for one second? I have an entire list of things that we need to get through.” 

“Eh?” Mitsuru stops moving, though his cheek remains squished against Hajime’s. “But that stuff is so booooring. Those, uh, formulas!”

“Formalities,” Hajime corrects gently.

“Formalities! They’re boring. They should be called boringalities!”

“They’re not boring, they’re necessary,” Tomoya argues, feeling a little more annoyed now. They’re wasting so much time on this useless chatter and Tomoya is itching to get a move on. “You’ve already been an idol for a year, Mitsuru. You should know that there’s more to it than just singing and dancing.”

Mitsuru sighs and finally lets go of Hajime. “Fine. Let’s just get it over with so we can have another live already!”

Tomoya should be used to Mitsuru’s careless attitude by now, yet he can feel his brows furrow with annoyance. “Mitsuru, I literally just said—”

“Tomoya-kun?” Had it not been for the fact that Tomoya’s ears pick up on Hajime’s voice out of instinct, he probably would have missed the gentle sound of it. Hajime had gotten better at speaking up throughout their first year, though his voice is still far softer than Mitsuru and Tomoya’s. “Let’s just… move on? Scolding him is just going to take even more time.”

Hajime looks a little nervous too, fiddling with some of the hair that’s escaped his ponytail. Even though he’s not the one who’s become the leader, Hajime has had his own worries about what would become of their unit, and starting a petty argument with Mitsuru probably isn’t helping. 

Tomoya has to swallow down another sigh. “Okay, fine. Let’s see, next on the list is— wait, we never even finished discussing the first one!? We still haven’t decided on whether or not we should recruit more members…!”

Their second year at Yumenosaki is off to a rough start, but it’s a start nonetheless. 

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Their next meetings aren’t any less disorganized than the first, though they manage to at least settle on not recruiting any more members. 

Perhaps it’s selfish of them to want to keep Ra*bits all to themselves. Perhaps it’s a mistake to not take in someone who could make their unit even stronger. Perhaps this will just lead them back to square one, where they will be seen as a weak unit once again. 

It’s impossible to know, and Tomoya wishes so dearly the answer was written in the ceiling of his bedroom, the spot he’s been staring at the past hour, unable to sleep. 

He’s close to sending Nazuna a message to ask for his opinion, but somehow, that feels like admitting defeat. Nazuna had trusted him with the role of the leader, and Hajime and Mitsuru had given him all their encouragement as well. Everyone believes in him— Tomoya had believed in himself at some point too, but…

He rolls over, pulling the covers up over his head. It’s too early to give up. He’ll figure this out.

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A month into the semester, it seems like many of the other units are starting to steady their footing. There’s uncertainty and fear everywhere, but the determination and hard work is far more prominent. Everyone is doing their best to keep their units afloat in the unruly sea that is the idol industry.  

Tomoya feels like he’s seconds away from drowning, and he’s dragging Ra*bits down with him.

He had already known that being a leader wouldn’t be easy, but god, is it really supposed to be this confusing and terrifying? There’s already been talks about an upcoming DreamFes but it’s hard to focus on that when there’s a billion other things to worry about— like the fact that Mitsuru has been acting weird ever since Hajime had taken his measurements, and that, for the first time since they met in middle school, Tomoya and Hajime are not in the same class. He’s also been chosen to be class president once again which means more responsibilities— and don’t even get him started on the drama club.

He rubs the spot between his furrowed eyebrows to smooth them out, before giving up and lying his face down on the desk. How had Nazuna done all of this?

“Tomoya-kun…?” As always, it’s Hajime who pulls him out of his thoughts, placing a gentle hand on Tomoya’s shoulder. “Maybe we should end this here today. You seem tired.”

Mitsuru, ever restless as his feet tap against the floor of the music room they’ve rented, gives Tomoya a concerned look. “Are you sick or something? Tomo-chan hasn’t been very energetic lately…”

“I’m fine,” he waves away the concerns as he sits up again. “Besides, we don’t have time to end this early. We still have to talk about new songs, new dances, outfits… Ah, and I have to figure out our budget. There’s that DreamFes coming up but we can’t spend all our money on that. We may have more funds now but we can’t afford to be careless and—”

“I wanna do a big show!” Mitsuru interrupts with a grin. “With lots of props on stage! And lights and confetti and— oh! Do you think we could have fireworks too? Indoor fireworks!”

“That sounds like a fire hazard…” Hajime manages a small, nervous smile.

Tomoya gives Mitsuru an annoyed look. “I literally just said we can’t afford to do something fancy like that, Mitsuru. We have to give this proper thought and—”

“It’s okay! Hajime-chan will just do more part-time jobs, right? I’ll help out too! And we’ve been getting more offers to do advertisements and photoshoots, so we can earn lots of money!”

“Can you stop interrupting me and actually listen to what I’m saying—”

“It’s our first live of the year yanno. We gotta start things off with a bang! If we can’t have fireworks, then we’ll be the fireworks! We just gotta get some sparkly outfits and then get lots of shiny confetti—”

Mitsuru’s loud voice really isn’t helping the headache Tomoya has had since the day before. “I literally just said we can’t do that. It’s always harder to get jobs early on in the school year—”

“Then we’ll just work super duper hard to get more jobs! We’re popular now, so I’m sure getting jobs will be easy! Right, Hajime-chan?”

But Hajime doesn’t get the chance to answer. 

“Mitsuru, can you shut up for two seconds, you idiot!? Can you be quiet and listen to me for once in your life!?”

Tomoya’s voice is loud and angry, stunning both Mitsuru and Hajime into shocked silence. He’s almost shocked himself, but the anger keeps him going.

“I told you we can’t do any of that because we’re just going to waste our money! What’s even the point in putting on a big show now when we’re not even trying to find any new members!? Have you ever even thought about that, or are you too stupid to think about anything else but bread and running!?” 

The words rush out as if he’s running out of time, fueled by anxiety and sleepless nights and anger that he knows he shouldn’t direct at Mitsuru, but he can’t help it. 

“Maybe you’d know how much work and effort goes into putting on lives if you hadn’t spent all of last year just goofing around! I thought maybe you’d be different this year, but all you’ve been doing is ignoring everything I’m saying! God, you’re such an idiot, why can’t you just-—”

He doesn’t know what he’s trying to get at anymore but he can hear his own voice speaking even as he runs out of things to say, and he knows he shouldn’t be saying any of this.

But before he can even begin to backtrack, the damage had already been done.

“Stop calling me an idiot!” Mitsuru matches his anger and volume, standing up to his full height. Despite still having a babyface, he somehow manages to look intimidating, yet Tomoya’s anger is burning too hot for him to care. “That’s all you do, Tomo-chan! Idiot this, idiot that, stupid this, stupid that! Of course I don’t wanna listen to you when half the stuff you say to me are insults!”

“Then stop giving me reasons to insult you!”

Somewhere in between all the yelling, Tomoya can hear Hajime, desperately trying to stop them. He can see him from the corner of his eye, expression pinched with worry, but for once, he doesn’t pay him any attention.

“I’m not! It’s not like I’m doing bad things on purpose! But according to you, everything I do is wrong!”

“It is!” 

Tomoya has never seen so much anger in Mitsuru’s expression before. Anger and frustration and… something more, but Tomoya doesn’t dare think of what it could be. 

“Fine!” Mitsuru throws his hands up. “If everything I do is wrong then maybe I shouldn’t be here! Maybe I should just go!”

“M-Mitsuru-kun, don’t—” Hajime tries desperately, sounding like he’s on the verge of crying. 

“Go ahead!” Tomoya waves towards the door. “Make things easier for all of us and just go! You weren’t even supposed to be in this unit anyway— we just needed a third member and happened to ask you because you didn’t have anyone else!”

“Tomoya-kun!”

Hajime’s voice cuts through the room, so loud and angry it’s almost unrecognizable. He’s standing now, looking at Tomoya with so much disappointment in those teary eyes, Tomoya thinks he might choke.

There’s movement in front of him again, and Tomoya’s gaze immediately snap back to Mitsuru.

Lips parted and eyes shining with tears, Mitsuru wears an expression Tomoya will never forget. The anger has melted away, clearly showing off what Tomoya hadn’t been able to pinpoint earlier— hurt. 

He only gets to see it for a second, before Mitsuru is grabbing his jacket and bag, ready to leave.

“Mitsuru-kun, wait—!” Hajime calls out desperately, reaching out to grab him, but Mitsuru is much too fast. He’s out within seconds, leaving Hajime and Tomoya by themselves.

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Message from: Niichan  

Hey Tomo-chin! I just wanted to check in on how you guys are doing! Being a leader isn’t easy, but I know you can do it ♪ 

I hope everything is going well!

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Mitsuru doesn’t show up to practice after that. He’s also very obviously trying to avoid Tomoya, and Tomoya can’t tell if he’s really bad at being discreet or if he’s just not trying. They nearly run into each other in the hallways, but before Tomoya can even open his mouth to say anything, Mitsuru runs away, disappearing among all the students.

“I tried to talk to him after class, but he got up and left the second the bell rang…” Hajime says during lunch, looking down at his bento. “He even left all his things, but he obviously doesn’t want to talk to me either, so I had to ask Harukawa-kun if he could give them to him.”

Tomoya pokes at his own lunch, the knot in his stomach taking away his appetite. It’s already been more than a week since the argument, yet it seems like things aren’t getting any better. 

“I should apologize, shouldn’t I,” Tomoya sighs, putting down his chopsticks. It’s not a question, because he already knows he should say sorry. He’s known that since the second Mitsuru stormed out of the room that day. There’s still a part of him that feels like some of the things he had said had been warranted, but he definitely could have said it in a nicer way. 

Mitsuru’s expression of hurt remains ingrained in his mind and Tomoya hates himself for being the one to cause all that pain. 

“You should,” Hajime agrees quietly, eyes still downcast. “Mitsuru-kun… he must think we don’t want him in Ra*bits.”

“He probably only thinks I don’t want him around. You didn’t do anything wrong, Hajime.”

Hajime shakes his head, finally looking up at Tomoya. “No, it was wrong of me not to say anything. I should have told him how much we appreciate him.” He looks down again, poking at his rice. “Right before he left… he looked so lonely .”

But Tomoya knows it’s his fault. He’s the one who had let the frustration get to him, he’s the one who had made Mitsuru feel unwanted, and he’s the one who has to fix this.

“Let’s… find him, so we can let him know how much... we need him.”

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Message to: Niichan

I messed up.

[ Message not sent. Save as draft? ]

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Finding Mitsuru requires more effort than expected. Since running after him is useless, Tomoya always tries to figure out where Mitsuru will run to, so he can catch him there— but it seems that even just the two weeks they’ve spent apart has made it difficult for Tomoya to predict where Mitsuru could be heading. 

They end up asking for some assistance from Adonis and Arashi, which Mitsuru definitely isn’t happy about. The look of betrayal on Mitsuru’s face once he realizes what’s going on is more than enough to make Tomoya feel guilty. But, he reminds himself, this is the only way they can fix things— the only way he can fix things. 

“Mitsuru,” Tomoya starts, trying to keep his voice steady. He has some idea of what he wants to say, but everything seems to melt away once Mitsuru looks at him, looking not angry, but sad. That’s not the emotion he had been expecting from him— anger and annoyance, sure, but not sadness. 

Dammit Mitsuru, why do you have to make this even harder than it already is…!

Hajime shuffles up next to Tomoya, giving him a gentle and encouraging bump with his arm. Right. He is going to fix this so they could go back to planning their next activities. They would all be happy again and he could tell Nazuna that everything is fine and—

“Tomo-chan, Hajime-chan, I’m sorry!”

The words come so unexpectedly, Tomoya almost flinches in surprise as Mitsuru bows deeply, looking like he’s speaking to the floor.

“I’m so sorry for causing so much trouble again. I told everyone I would stop being such a bad boy and that I would stop being so selfish but I—” He straightens up again, his expression reflecting the guilt that’s been gnawing at Tomoya. “E-Everything’s been changing so much and I— I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all! I got scared!”

“Wait— wait, wait, hold on,” Tomoya waves his hands to make Mitsuru stop talking. “You’re— alright, I’m the one who should be saying sorry here, I was the one who said all those hurtful things.”

Oddly enough, Mitsuru looks surprised for a moment. “But… everything you said was true, right? You meant what you said, didn’t you?”

Rubbing the back of his neck, Tomoya tries to rearrange all his thoughts. He feels like he should be careful with how he words himself now, but that has never been his strong suit. He’s straightforward about most things, which is why he’s in this mess in the first place.

“Tomo-chan is always telling me off whenever I do something bad, I’m just not good at listening. That’s why you were yelling, right?” Weirdly enough, Mitsuru seems to always have appreciated that exact quality of Tomoya’s, and Tomoya finds himself pausing once again. 

“I… yeah. You’re right, but I shouldn’t have been yelling in the first place. I was stressed out about a bunch of things and— I shouldn’t have let that stress out on you.”

Mitsuru’s lips quirk into a small, sad smile, but it’s a smile nonetheless. “It’s okay, I’ve been stressed about things too. I wasn’t in a good mood that day.” 

Tomoya remembers Mitsuru’s stretched out silences during the days leading up to the argument, yet he had never asked about it, too preoccupied with his own problems. Another mistake.

“What have you been stressed about?” Tomoya asks.

Mitsuru seems to hesitate, opening his mouth once and then closing it, before finally speaking up. “My height.”

Of all things Mitsuru could have said, Tomoya certainly wasn’t expecting that answer. “Your height?”

Mitsuru nods slowly, shuffling his feet. “Yeah. I’m taller now yanno. Taller than Tomo-chan too. I’m not cute anymore.”

There’s a beat of silence as Tomoya tries to process the words. Mitsuru’s words aren’t always so easy to understand, but Tomoya likes to think he’s gotten better at reading between the lines and understanding what it is Mitsuru wants to say. “You’re… scared you don’t fit in with us anymore,” he tries, only half surprised when Mitsuru nods.

“Mitsuru-kun can be both cute and tall,” Hajime finally speaks up, and Tomoya can hear the gentle smile on his face without looking to see.

Mitsuru shakes his head. “I can’t! I’m too tall, I just look weird next to you guys.”

“You’re not that much taller than me.” Tomoya is guessing there’s about three or four centimeters between them now, which isn’t even that noticeable, especially when they’re running around on stage. “And even if you were to grow to be two meters tall, you’d still be one of us. You’re not going to outgrow Ra*bits if you don’t want to.”

Hajime nods. “Tomoya-kun is right. Besides… we’re all growing. It’s like niichan said, we’re not going to look like this forever. That’s why he left it up to us to do whatever we want with Ra*bits.”

“Rather than forcing ourselves to stick to the same image we’ve always had, it’d be better to change it so fits who we are.” Tomoya looks at Mitsuru with what he hopes is a comforting smile. “ We are Ra*bits, so it only makes sense that our unit changes along with us. I’ve been trying to say this during all those meetings, but...”

“Ah, sorry sorry!” Mitsuru says. “I, um— I’m not good with change, I guess. Or, well… whenever we talked about our image and stuff, I got scared you guys would realize how I don’t fit in anymore.”

“So that’s why you always deflected the conversation.”

Mitsuru gives a sheepish smile. “Sorry.”

Tomoya smiles back, feeling some of the tension leave the air. “It’s alright. Just try to speak up about that kinda thing instead of keeping it all to yourself, alright? That’s still a bad habit of yours.”

“Then… can I say what Tomo-chan’s bad habit is?”

Tomoya blinks in surprise, but nods once. After all he had said, the least he can do is listen to Mitsuru. “Sure.”

“Well, I’ve always been glad that Tomo-chan is honest with me. You scold me when you need to, but... Sometimes you call me an idiot a bit too much. I know I’m an idiot yanno? I don’t need so many reminders.” 

Ah. Part of him had expected something like that. Truthfully, it’s something Tomoya himself has thought about before, but shaking off his bad habits is harder than expected. But now, with Mitsuru pushing himself to speak up about what’s bothering him, Tomoya knows he has to put in more effort. Treating his friend a little kinder— even if his words had never been meant to carry any genuine malice, he should have changed sooner. 

“Okay, yeah, I can change that.” He feels the guilt tighten its grip on him, and somehow, Hajime seems to notice. He wraps his arms around one of Tomoya’s, giving a comforting squeeze. Even without saying anything, Hajime manages to have a calming effect on the entire situation, like a soothing breeze on a painfully hot summer day.

“I’m sorry about saying all those mean things about you, Mitsuru. I know I don’t say this to you enough, but… I really appreciate you being in Ra*bits with us. A-And I appreciate you as a friend too. So… thank you. For everything you do.”

There’s a beat of silence as Mitsuru blinks once, twice—

And then he jumps.

Without holding back, he jumps on Tomoya and Hajime, wrapping them both in a sudden hug that has them nearly falling over. Both of them let out a noise of surprise, though it’s barely audible over Mitsuru’s voice. “Tomo-chan! You’re so nice yanno! You’re super duper nice! I love you!”

Mitsuru pulls away only to see Tomoya blushing, a look of surprise and embarrassment on his red face. 

Hajime can’t help but giggle at Tomoya’s reaction, and Mitsuru’s eyes snap to him. 

“And Hajime-chan! I love you too! Both of you are the bestest!”

Tomoya starts, “That’s not a word—”

“I know,” Mitsuru interrupts, still grinning. He looks happy, radiant, bright enough to rival the sun, but his warmth is comforting rather than scorching. It’s the kind of warmth Tomoya finds comfort in on long days, a warmth that heats him up from within, even on the coldest winter nights. A warmth that inspires him to go further, that reminds him of why he wanted to be an idol in the first place.

Mitsuru is brighter than the sun, Tomoya decides. He’s a superstar, after all. 

“Ehe~ Tomo-chan is thinking embarrassing thoughts, isn’t he~?”

Mitsuru’s voice snaps Tomoya back to reality and he splutters in response. “Wh— N— What do you mean embarrassing thoughts!”

Mitsuru laughs, “You just gave yourself away by reacting like that yanno!”

Hajime can’t help but laugh too, and as Mitsuru releases them, Tomoya can’t find it in him to fight the smile forming on his face. It’s amazing how something that had seemed like the end of the world had been resolved so easily. 

This doesn’t mean they’ll never have an argument again, and Tomoya knows that. He might slip up and say things he shouldn’t, and Mitsuru might keep his troubles to himself again no matter how many times he promises he won’t. But it’s a part of growth, to make these mistakes and learn from them, to know that there will be good times and bad times, to accept both the sparkling smiles and tear-stained days all the same. 

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Message to: Niichan

Hi Niichan! Things are going well. There were some problems, but I think everything is okay now.

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Message from: Niichan

Geez Tomo-chin, you took so long with answering I was starting to get worried something really bad had happened!

Well, I’m glad everything is alright now at least. I know I told you guys I would stay out of your business, but I’m still here for you if you need any help, okay?

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Message to: Niichan

Sorry! We’ve just been really busy I guess. But yeah, everything is okay now. We might need your help in the future, but for now, we’re alright.

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Message from: Niichan

I’m glad~ Keep up the good work then!

I’m proud of you guys.

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Message to: Niichan

I’m proud of us too.