Chapter Text
R2 wasn’t sure what he was supposed to think of the newest addition to their team. Vicious Child and Stubborn Hunter had been acceptable additions to their team, particularly since their presence ensured that R2 had further opportunity to spend time with the glorious Firespray.
But this strange creature, ‘Master Yoda’ as Friend Obi-Wan called him, did not come with a lovely ship to speak for him.
R2 spun his dome as the strange organic hobbled past him, cane tapping against the floor, as the organic followed after Friend Obi-Wan.
R2 sent Friend Obi-Wan a questioning beep, because if they were going to take over the Republic, even if it was just pretend, they couldn’t be slowed down by unnecessary organics.
Friend Obi-Wan sighed, sending a look that R2 calculated qualified as exasperated towards both him and the hobbling Jedi. “Don’t worry, R2. I’m sure Master Yoda will be able to keep up just fine.”
The creature let out a strange sound, and R2 tentatively labeled the sound as a delighted chortle. “My nap, I need before keep up with you, I will.”
Friend Obi-Wan’s face twisted up in what R2 decided was both despairing and exasperated. “Right. I’m sure you can find a corner to curl up in. Or maybe Fett will let you bunk in his ship.”
The organic let out that same non-verbal noise that Friend Obi-Wan often did, before shaking his head. “Better idea do I have.” The next few moments would need a careful replay, R2 decided, as the strange creature jumped, bounced off a wall, and then landed on Friend Obi-Wan’s back. Clearly, this ‘Master Yoda’—new designation: Strange Organic—was the tricky sort, and R2 would need to keep a close visual receptor on him. “Comfortable enough, this is.”
R2 pulled out his electro-prod, asking Friend Obi-Wan if he needed R2 to take care of Strange Organic for him. Friend Obi-Wan just sighed, giving his electro-prod an amused look, before adjusting Strange Organic so that he could was in a more comfortable position. “It’s fine. At least if he’s on my back I know he’s not getting into trouble.”
Strange Organic let out a strange noise that after a few moments R2 determined fit the definition of a ‘cackle’. “Hostage, I am. Troublemaker you are.”
Friend Obi-Wan ignored him. “Come on, R2, Fett said he was having Boba gather the clone leaders all in one place while he distracts the Kaminoans.”
R2 followed. R2 hadn’t yet had the opportunity to see how competent the clone army was, but after dealing with the droid army, R2 was not expecting much.
Friend Obi-Wan led them to a side room, and R2 gave the dozen or so clones waiting for them a cursory examination. They were all standing at attention, dressed in full armor with their helmets at their sides. They looked much like Stubborn Hunter and Vicious Child.
Friend Obi-Wan took his place at the front of the room, R2 watched as Strange Organic let out an exaggerated snoring sound. The clones, R2 noted with pleasure, did not react beyond a flickering of their eyes as they took in the situation.
Vicious Child jumped forward from where he had been sitting in the back, practically hanging himself off of Friend Obi-Wan.
Friend Obi-Wan ran a hand through Vicious Child’s hair in a way that seemed more automatic then planned. Vicious Child looked like he was 3.4 seconds away from mimicking the creature R2’s files called a Tooka and start purring at the affectionate, if somewhat distracted, attention.
Still, between Strange Organic and Vicious Child hanging onto him, Friend Obi-Wan would be hard-pressed to move quickly if something went wrong during this conversation. R2 prepared his oil canister and his flame igniter, just in case.
A wall of oil and flame would give R2 and Friend Obi-Wan enough time to escape it necessary.
“Hello there,” Friend Obi-Wan started, and there was a different sort of smile on his face that R2 couldn’t quite categorize, but seemed to help the clone leaders relax. Charming, R2 decided. Friend Obi-Wan was being charming. Instead of launching straight into their planned speech to convince the clones that joining their army was a good idea, Friend Obi-Wan instead took time talking somewhat cheerfully with the clones, getting their names—first numbers, and then actual names—and getting to know them.
It was what R2 had determined a normal organic interaction to create camaraderie. It also seemed to be something that Friend Obi-Wan enjoyed doing.
Finally, Friend Obi-Wan let out a soft sigh, straightening in a way that made it clear he was ready to start.
“I’ve been told you’ve trained all your lives to protect the Republic.”
One of the clones—R2 checked his records, Cody, the clone had called himself—stepped forward. “Yes General, you’ll find that we’re prepared to fight and die for the Republic.”
Friend Obi-Wan blinked at that, looking uncomfortable. “Yes, well, I was hoping you might be willing to be… adaptable on that.”
The clones shifted minutely, and R2 got the sense that despite very limited movement taking place, they were communicating with each other. Not quite as good as a droid could manage within a network, but still it was a promising sign of competence.
“Sir?” The word came out neutral, whatever the clone—designation still needed—thought of Friend Obi-Wan’s words indecipherable.
Friend Obi-Wan seemed to consider his words carefully. R2 had one moment before R2 realized that Friend Obi-Wan was going to throw away their entire script. He let out a mournful whistle, that had been a good script. “I don’t want to see any of you die. Frankly, as far as I can see there is no reason for any of you to die in a war that doesn’t truly need to be fought. However, I also have no doubt that the Republic will… not see it that way.”
More almost imperceptible movement.
Friend Obi-Wan continued. “To protect the Republic, to protect you, I would like to…” Friend Obi-Wan closed his eyes, letting out an exhausted sigh. “I would like to offer you an alternative. One that I believe will both enrage the Republic, but protect it from it’s own bloodthirsty foolhardiness.”
There was a long moment of silence, before one of the clones—records indicated Fox, designation still needed—slowly spoke up. “You’re talking about deserting. About… treason.”
Friend Obi-Wan paused. “Yes. But it’s the only thing I can think to do.”
R2 let out an uneasy whir at that. This still felt dangerous. If the clones decided that Friend Obi-Wan was an enemy, it would be difficult for them to get out of here. R2 should have brought part of his own army for back up, but Friend Obi-Wan had vetoed that idea.
No one started shooting, and Strange Organic opened one of his eyes, peering over Friend Obi-Wan’s shoulder. “Join me as a hostage you can.”
Friend Obi-Wan closed his eyes. “Please, please do not join Master Yoda as a hostage. I’ve already reached my limit of accidental kidnappings.”
“If General Yoda is your hostage, why does he still have his weapon?” Someone from the back asked. “That’s against hostage procedure.”
Vicious Child piped up at that. “Obi-Wan’s not very good at being a criminal, yet. He kidnapped me and then taught me better ways to try and kill him.”
One of the clones—Cody, designation still waiting—shifted at that, the discussion of treason clearly sidetracked at the discovery of Friend Obi-Wan’s failure to consider proper self-preservation tactics. “That seems poorly thought out.”
“It was an accident,” Friend Obi-Wan stressed, apparently missing that it was the continued encouragement of the murder attempts, not the kidnapping, that the soldier had an issue with. “I didn’t mean to kidnap him.”
The clone tilted his head, examining Obi-Wan. “We’ll need to go over your security procedures, sir. Allowing yourself to be killed will ruin your plans to take over the Republic.”
“We’re not taking over the Republic, we’re only pretending that we’re going to,” Friend Obi-Wan pointed out. “And Fett has agreed to not try and kill me until after, and Boba is quite considerate in his murder attempts.”
The clone shifted again, face grimacing. “All respect, General. But we’re going to need to revamp your protection policies.”
R2 let out a grateful whistle at that, Sensible Soldier was hired. He could be R2’s fellow Grand General.
Vicious Child seemed disgruntled at the idea that his murder attempts might by stymied by the new addition to their Grand Army of the… R2 stopped at that. They would need an appropriate name for their movement.
Friend Obi-Wan seemed equally disgruntled. “I assure you—“
“It’s a condition, sir.” Sensible Soldier interrupted. “If we’re going to join a takeover attempt, we need assurance that our leader won’t get themselves killed being foolish.”
R2 liked Sensible Soldier, the man joined R2’s-favorite-organics-to-exist list, just beside Vicious Child. He did not seem as chaotic as R2’s normal favorites, but he seemed to know what he was doing and would make for an excellent fellow General as they led their armies to victory.
Friend Obi-Wan sighed. “All right.”
Strange Organic let out another cackle from Friend Obi-Wan’s back.
Sensible Soldier eyed him, assessing. “Hostages shouldn’t be armed, sir. Especially when so close to you.”
After a moment, Friend Obi-Wan seemed to decide that Sensible Soldier was right—or that it wasn’t worth arguing about—because he sighed. “You heard him, Master Yoda. Hostages aren’t allowed weapons.”
Strange Organic let out a disgruntled snort. “Ruin all my fun, you will.”
“You can keep your walking stick,” Friend Obi-Wan pointed out, wry.
Strange Organic seemed to consider that. “An acceptable alternative that is.”
“Wonderful,” Friend Obi-Wan muttered as he put Strange Organic’s lightsaber on his own belt. He turned back to Sensible Soldier. “Since it seems we’ve come to an agreement to commit treason together. How long will it take to get all of the clones off of Kamino?”
Sensible Soldier exchanged a look with the rest of the clones, shifting a little. “We… have an emergency procedure that we put in place. Theoretical, of course.”
Friend Obi-Wan blinked, then laughed. “Well, you’re better prepared for all of this then I am. Time to make this theoretical plan a reality. Let’s get you and all the others off this planet. We’ll need to find a place to get established before we send out our manifesto.”
“We could choose Mandalore.”
R2 turned to see that Stubborn Hunter had just slipped through the door. Friend Obi-Wan gave him a narrowed eye look. “Aren’t you supposed to be distracting the Kaminoans?”
Stubborn Hunter looked offended “I assure you, they’re quite distracted.” Stubborn Hunter’s smile was delightfully terrible. “You could say they’re… a little locked up.” R2 almost wished he had been there to see what Stubborn Hunter had done. It was always good to learn more ways to cause problems for others that solved problems for R2 and R2’s-favorite-organics-to-exist.
“Do I want to know?” Friend Obi-Wan asked, before shaking his head. “Actually, no. I’m sure it’ll be blamed on me regardless, but as long as no one was killed, I don’t need to know.”
“No one’s dead,” Stubborn Hunter acceded. Stubborn Hunter had been a little annoyed when Friend Obi-Wan had made that a rule, but R2 had expected that Stubborn Hunter would follow instructions regardless. Stubborn Hunter seemed to be enjoying this all just as much as R2 was.
Friend Obi-Wan narrowed his eyes as though questioning the validity of the statement, before shrugging and accepting it.
“So,” Stubborn Hunter continued as though he hadn’t just had his abilities called into question. “Mandalore.”
Friend Obi-Wan let out a sigh, looking at R2 as though inviting him to join Friend Obi-Wan in being quietly exasperated with the world. R2 let out an apologetic whistle. R2 found all of this to be the most delightful thing that had ever happened to him. “Is that why you’re being useful?” Friend Obi-Wan asked.
Stubborn Hunter just raised an eyebrow. “You have to admit, Mandalore would be an excellent base for galactic domination.”
“We’re not dominating the Galaxy,” Friend Obi-Wan stressed for what R2 had counted as the 89th time since the two of them had created this plan and started this whole venture. “We are faking an attempt at galactic domination, I would really appreciate if everyone kept that in mind.”
Stubborn Hunter rolled his eyes. “Fine. Mandalore would make an excellent base for faking an attempt at galactic domination.” R2 was reluctantly impressed with the way Stubborn Hunter managed to mimic Friend Obi-Wan’s emphasis perfectly. Stubborn Hunter couldn’t quite manage the accent, but the imitation was still rather remarkable.
“We’re going to take over Mandalore?” Vicious Child asked, voice far too gleeful.
“No,” Friend Obi-Wan shook his head. “I’ve already stolen two armies, kidnapped a child, and taken my grandmaster hostage; I am not taking over Mandalore.”
R2 let out an inquisitive whistle, because Friend Obi-Wan hadn’t presented a better plan yet. Friend Obi-Wan narrowed his eyes, looking insulted. “I’ll have you know, I have plenty of better plans.”
R2 took a moment to congratulate Friend Obi-Wan’s improvement in binary, though he was still dubious about whether Friend Obi-Wan had a better plan.
Vicious Child giggled. Friend Obi-Wan looked more insulted. “If we could focus on getting all of the clones into ships and getting everyone off Kamino, so we can follow my plan, that does not involve taking over an entire system—we’re trying to avoid a war, if you remember—then I would very much appreciate that.”
Friend Obi-Wan turned towards Sensible Soldier. “If between the group of you, you can choose a Grand General to accompany R2 being the Grand General of the Droid Army, I would appreciate that.”
“Aren’t you the Grand General?” One of the clones asked.
Friend Obi-Wan shook his head.
Sensible Soldier snorted. “Of course he’s not, Bly. He needs to have a position on par with the leaders of the CIS and Republic. He’s our Supreme Commander.”
R2 whistled his appreciation.
Friend Obi-Wan’s face seemed to freeze in position. “Oh, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
Strange Organic cackled. “Good feeling, do I have. A good Supreme Commander will you be.”