Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Get down!”

“The world’s a nightmare,” Joseph replied simply, watching as Diana raced closer and closer.

“Come down, you bastard!”

Joseph’s eyes flew open.

Had it been a dream? Where was he? What was he even looking at? Everything was a blur, his vision not cooperating. Joseph’s head throbbed, a hammer hitting against his temple, and all he wanted to do was scream.

The inability to scream just made him want to scream even more.

It was like an earthquake through his body; aftershock after aftershock of pain running from head to toe. He wanted to cry but his throat was parched. Too parched for cries, too parched for screams, too parched for anything. Hell, half his face felt parched like the skin was stretched beyond its limits.

Shutting his eyes so tight that he began to see spots, the movement stretching the skin tighter to the point of pain, Joseph lifted his hands to rub his face to maybe get some of this damn confusion to go away. Or at least, he tried to lift his hands and he did but not without that scream finally escaping his mouth as it felt like his right arm ripped open.

“Joseph?”

A voice. Whose voice? Her voice. He hurt. Joseph wanted water. He wanted his arm to stop throbbing. He wanted to be able to understand the voice and what it was saying. Joseph’s headache was affecting his ears which felt like they were ready to explode. He hurt. He hurt so damn much. He wanted his mother. His father. Finlay. Emilio. Someone who he knew would help the pain lessen.

“…tening? Joseph, baby, are you listening?”

Listening. He was listening. Listening over the pounding of his head and the beating of his ears. Eyes, he needed to open his eyes and bring some clarity to the situation but it hurt. The brightness hurt. Everything just fucking hurt.

Something touched him, petting his head, but it felt weird. Foreign. He wanted to tell whatever it was to stop but his tongue felt loose from disuse and his mouth ached like it hadn’t opened in so long. Whatever the thing was, it rubbed softly across his aching head. “Hey, you there?”

It felt like ages until he could drag his eyes open again and once he did, all he felt was worse. The ceiling was spinning and the lights were too damn-

He knew this ceiling.

Joseph also knew the blob that was no longer a talking blob.

“Hey, beautiful,” his mother whispered, a soft smile on her face. “Where you been? Been talking to myself for a week, y’know. That’s not nice.”

She looked weird.

No, not weird.

“Well, not entirely to myself,” she snorted softly, still rubbing his head though Joseph was convinced something was off. “Been talking to doctors, Gwen, Finlay, your bashtá-”

He zoned out after that point, too busy scanning her face before lifting a hand and touching her cheek. His mother went silent and watched him, seemingly waiting. His head wasn’t up to thinking right now but he didn’t need to think for this. “You’re clean.”

She smiled, almost proudly, as she rested her hand on his that was cupping her cheek. “You noticed.”

It was impossible not to when he hadn’t seen such clear eyes and that easy smile in so long. He’d missed them more than anything and here there were. Clear eyes, clear face, clear just everything.

His mother was his mother again.

Pushing back a stray strand of hair behind her ear, Joseph wondered what in the world could inspire her to get clean all of the sudden. Him being in the hospital wasn’t anything- “Talking to yourself?” he muttered, lowering his hand and staring at her in confusion. “What are you talking about?”

A sadness entered her eyes but her soft smile stayed in place as she sat down on the edge of his bed. He was pretty sure this room was smaller than any he’d had before.

They should complain. It felt like he was in a fucking closet.

Clarity struck him when he really took in her hands. It’d been gloved when it’d covered his but he hadn’t been paying attention. The other was gloved too which had to be why it’d felt weird as she petted his head. “Gloves?” He took a moment of pain to take a look at himself. “Bandages?” Why was he bandaged?

What was he even in the hospital for?

She wet her lips in that thinking way and set a careful hand on his chest, completely avoiding his right side. It felt weird but he didn’t understand why his side and arm felt weird. “Baby, how much do you remember?”

Remember? Remember of what? He barely had been able to recognize her through his haze of pain and now that he was thinking about it, he hurt all over again. Why did he hurt so much? Through his gritted teeth that was making the right side of his face pull uncomfortably…and now that he thought about it…there were bandages on his face…

What the hell had happened?

Through his gritted teeth to stop his cry of pain, Joseph said “I hurt like hell.”

“The nurse should be in any minute now and she’ll get that morphine pumping, don’t worry.” She looked dying to hug and kiss him but for some reason, she didn’t. He didn’t like that. “Joseph, what do you remember?”

As if he could actually think through this searing pain. What did he remember? Vague faces…lights, sirens maybe…tears…worry on different people’s faces but who they were… “Nothing.”

His mother’s mouth curled down, displeased by the answer like maybe she’d been hoping for more. Well, Joseph had been too because he’d like to know what the fuck was going on. After pain meds, of course, when he could actually process things. If he was himself without a lagging brain, he’d probably be able to at least deduce what the bandages were for. Maybe.

Glancing down, he took in what he could tell which…wasn’t much being that his lower half was covered with the blanket and his body with a gown. But his arm was covered, wrapped in white bandages and a certain tightness around his lower arm and wrist. His hand was wrapped but not extensively though moving his fingers made his nerves scream. There was a lump under the covers that he was pretty sure was his foot but it looked…big. On a pillow maybe?

“What’s wrong with me,” Joseph whispered, frustrated that he didn’t know, annoyed that he was confused, and angry that he couldn’t even put the pieces together. Using his left hand, he felt around his body with a hesitant hand, both afraid of what he might find and of causing pain. “I’m bandaged,” he murmured to himself, gently patting those that he felt under his gown along his torso. All along his right side and even towards his middle, he was bandaged.

Head to possible fucking toe. Joseph couldn’t check down there without stretching and that sounded like a bad idea.

On his side, stomach, ribs, arm, shoulder, even up his neck, there were bandages. His ear was covered as was some of the right side of his jaw. Just above his ear, there was no hair, buzzed down to his scalp and above that, it felt crinkled and broken.

Singed.

Burns. He was covered in burns.

There was a click and the door to his room opened but Joseph was too busy staring down at his bandaged arm to pay attention to who walked in. Underneath the whiteness, he had to be burned. Severely if the pain was anything to go by. Not to mention that he was in the hospital and hospitals didn’t keep around people with minor burns.

Joseph just didn’t understand what had happened.

What the hell had happened to him?

“You’re up.”

Why couldn’t he grasp what’d happened? One would think that remembering why the fuck you were burned so bad wouldn’t be an issue. “I’m burned.”

A gloved hand covered his bandaged one. “Joseph, tell me if you want him here or not.”

Him? Right, someone had walked in. Someone had noticed that he was up, sounding relieved. Happy even. But his condition was taking his attention more than his need to see his guest. He was burned, not to a crisp thankfully, but burned. Burned and he didn’t know how or why.

“Sweetheart, look up for me.”

“I’m burned.”

“Baby.”

“I’m burned. Why am I burned?”

“Joseph-”

He was in the hospital, he knew that much. “What day is it?” Joseph asked, looking up at his mother.

And inadvertently looking up at his father who was behind her.

Well, this was the him apparently.

Joseph wasn’t up to doing this now. In fact, he was just going to avoid it entirely. Aiming all his focus on his mother, he repeated “What day is it?”

“A Wednesday,” she answered, worry on her face but it was okay because it was her. Regular worry, regular Vesela with her beautiful expressive eyes. “The 13^th.”

She’d said something about a week, hadn’t she? A week since what? What was the last thing he even-

“Get down!”

He hadn’t gotten down. Joseph hadn’t gotten down from…from what? There was…planning for something…dreaming? Lots of dreaming. Lots of planning. Planning for what?

“Get down!”

Get down. Get down from… “I can’t remember. I can’t…remember…”

Joseph didn’t like that.

The door opened again, bringing in a small woman with waves of hair stuffed in a bun. “Hey!” she exclaimed, all good cheer as she came in with a…thing… Vitals cart. That was it. Why was his memory so fucked? “You’re up! Mama, you know no sitting there,” the nurse scolded with a tsk. “Up, up.”

“Sorry, sorry,” his mother laughed, getting up and going to stand at the foot of Joseph’s bed with his father. His father who didn’t look like his father. He looked…old. Tired. Too thin. His mother wiggled her fingers at the nurse, “I wore gloves.”

Gloves. Gloves to make sure if she touched him, there’d be less chance of bacteria. His brain was catching up now. Less chance of infection. Burns were easily susceptible to them. “I’m burned.”

Parking her cart beside him, the nurse gave him a nice smile and unwrapped her stethoscope from her neck. “You are. But you’re looking good so let’s not worry, okay? How are you feeling? Rate your pain for me.”

Rate his pain. “A hundred.”

She laughed but concern made her laugh sound subdued. “Okay, fair enough. This is the first time you’ve been fully aware since you’ve been here. Tell me what you’re feeling.”

So he’d awakened before then? He just hadn’t been coherent enough for anything or to even remember waking. “My head feels like it’s going to explode along with my ears. There’s a high chance I could throw up right now and with any movement, my skin will rip. How’s that for feeling?”

“Very good, actually,” the nurse replied, putting her stethoscope in her ears and pressing the end to his chest. “I wish all my patients were as descriptive as you. Breathe for me.” He breathed, but it hurt like a fucking bitch. He wanted drugs like now. “Good,” she said after moving it around his chest and back before returning it around her neck. “Your lungs sound nice and clear-”

“I’m in pain. Severe pain like I could kill you for a fucking pill.”

“Joseph,” his mother said and he liked the fact that she sounded angry. It sounded like her again. He almost couldn’t wait to push her buttons just so he could see her angry again.

It’d been so long.

“No that’s okay,” the nurse laughed, taking out an IV bag from her little cart and walking around his bed to his left. She hooked it beside another that was already hanging and plugged the tube into the IV in his hand. “I need to know his pain level. Pain management is important when it comes to burn victims. Especially because we need to manage him a little differently.”

Differently? “Why?”

“Because, hon, you’re an addict.”

Four people were too much for this room and Joseph was so going to complain for a bigger one. Gwen smiled at him as she walked over while slipping on a pair of gloves. Resting her hand over his heart, she said with such relief “Baby boy, I hope you know how much I wish I could hug you right now. It’s wonderful to see you talking.”

Drugs straight through the veins worked pretty damn fast because lord was he feeling better already. Or maybe it was all psychological. It didn’t matter what it was, his head felt less like ‘explode’ and more like ‘earthquake.’

Much better.

“I’m burned.” Joseph figured if he said it enough, someone had to give him some information eventually.

“That you are. Happens when you try to kill yourself with fireworks.”

“Gwen!” the other nurse said, practically scandalized with wide accusing eyes. “Really?”

Kill himself with fireworks? That wouldn’t have been very effective. He was smarter than that. Fireworks would leave too many variables that could go wrong. The chance of him being successful with fireworks-

Get down.

A flash of fire shot through his mind. Fire so hot that was meant to damage. To kill. Fire not on its own nor attached to a firework though.

Dragon fire.

Get down. Get down from the car. Get down and out of the way from the dragon hurtling towards him at his bidding, finally going to give him his freedom.

Joseph had fucked up yet again. Even with his own power, with the power of the fucking supernatural, he’d fucked it up. How could someone fail with such a foolproof plan? With the power of magic on their side, for fuck’s sake?

“I fucked up.”

“You’re lucky I can’t put one right up top your head,” Gwen almost snapped. Almost. Not quite though like she didn’t want to get angry with him. “‘Fucked up?’ You damn well fucked up.”

“Gwen,” the nurse repeated in a much sterner voice.

“You come to my house tellin’ me thank you, eat my damn cookies, and go an’ try to off yourself? Are you stupid?”

It was so very Gwen to note the cookies. “It didn’t work so apparently yeah, I’m stupid. I can’t seem to do it.”

Gwen definitely wasn’t amused. In fact, she looked more pissed than he’d ever seen. “I’ll slap you. I will. I swear on the Lord that I won’t even feel bad about it.”

She was so just…herself that Joseph couldn’t help but smile. And then cry because smiling hurt. And then groan in pain because crying hurt. “I’m a failure.”

“Good. Be a damn failure at this. Hon, when we got problems, what do we do?”

With a sigh and sinking carefully into his pillow because she’d given him this speech many times, Joseph looked to the ceiling and replied “We talk.”

“And what didn’t you do?”

Everyone made it sound so simple.

“Talk.” He turned his head onto his left side and took in the cot that must’ve been his mother’s bed for the week. She had a bag on the floor, two although from the looks of a sleeve sticking out, that was his father’s shirt.

His father.

Weird.

“Who brought me roses?” Joseph asked, the blood red flowers one of the more beautiful things he’d seen in a long time. They were fresh and bright and probably smelled amazing if he was able to stretch and pull one out of the huge vase.

“I’m still talking to you,” Gwen snorted though Joseph could tell her vigor was now gone. “You’re lucky it’s not worse. If you think you’s in pain now, imagine-”

“Gwen,” the nurse interrupted as she walked back around the bed. “Enough. Now, lemme just get your temp and blood pressure and then Nate will be in to put new bandages.”

Ignoring his gorgeous roses for a minute because Nate was a guy’s name, Joseph glanced at his body and where he thought he was covered and then up at his mother who, thankfully, also seemed concerned. “Sandy usually takes care of that,” his mother said as the nurse took his temperature. “Is she not in?”

“No, she called in today but Nate is really good-”

“No,” Joseph snapped, yanking his left arm out of her reach just to be difficult as she tried to take his blood pressure. No way in hell was a fucking man undressing him, unwrapping him, or just touching him. “Fuck you and fuck your Nate.”

The nurse looked confused and Joseph felt a little bad because she didn’t understand but that wasn’t his problem. Not happening. “What he’s trying to say,” his mother sighed in that ‘God, grant me patience’ way he hadn’t heard in forever, “is that we’d be more comfortable with someone who’s been here already. I’m sure Nate’s skills are amazing but we’d…prefer a woman.”

He knew she was hesitant because she was worried that he’d get upset for trying to explain but Joseph was more afraid of having a man touch him than this nurse putting clues together. His mother, obviously, knew and he was more than sure Gwen had figured it out and Ivo did in fact know so…what was there to hide?

Flicking her eyes between him and his mother, the nurse nodded slowly and held out the pressure wrap. “I’ll get someone to switch with Nate. Now lemme see that toothpick of yours.”

Rude. “Maybe it’s a chopstick,” Joseph snorted, handing over his arm now that they were all figured out.

“Nope, you’re a sack of toothpicks. Not even bones. Now that you’re up fully, we’re getting you on a good diet. High protein, vitamin and mineral supplements-”

Joseph watched as the wrap constricted his arm. “How’d you feed me before?”

“Feeding tube down the nose. We actually just took it out this morning. You’ve got good timing.”

No wonder his nose felt raw as fuck. The nurse took off the sleeve and typed some stuff into the computer on the cart. “I’ll get someone to come change your bandages in a sec. Sit tight, toothpick.”

The name didn’t even bother him. Where was the lie? He looked up at his IV bags, guessing what each was before asking “How’d you get clean in a week?”

“You’d be amazed how good of a motivator your child trying to kill himself again is.”

Good answer. Unwittingly, his eyes drew back to his roses that looked like two freaking dozens. Goddamn. There was a little white envelope on a plastic stick between them. Very carefully, he reached out and pulled the envelope off the stick, resting himself back in bed with a small wince. “Did you open this?”

“Not mine to open,” his mother replied, walking over and sitting down on her little cot. She looked to his father, “Did you open it?”

“Why would I?” his father snorted, keeping his spot at the foot of the bed as he sipped coffee. It was weird hearing his voice in person after so long. It made his heart do funny things but he was both too tired and too drugged to deal with anything.

Later. Later Joseph would try to find how he felt about all this. Maybe after some food because he actually felt hungry and some rest so his brain was ready for hard conversations. He knew he should be yelling at the man to fuck off, ask him who the hell he thought he was just to show up here, but Joseph only felt relieved.

Hearing his father’s voice was more calming than he thought it’d be.

Was it because he was injured? Probably. Because he’d wished for him? Also probably.

But that was all for later.

Opening the little envelope, Joseph pulled out a small white card that had oh so very round handwriting on it. Oh so round handwriting that he’d made fun of before.

Roses for my Bulgarian Queen

Joseph was pretty sure that the last time he’d blushed this hard, Emilio had been the reason. His face was so hot that he felt like his blush reached the tips of his ears – if one hadn’t been bandaged – and stretched down to his chest. “You fucking idiot.”

“I think he’s sweet.”

Glaring at his mother while shoving that damn card back in the envelope and that damn envelope back into his damn roses, Joseph muttered “You said you didn’t read it.”

Man, did he wish he could cross his arms.

“I didn’t,” she laughed and hearing that laugh was better than anything. The music of it, the pureness of it. He’d missed it so much that he couldn’t help but smile for her. “But he had to bring them, you know. He comes every day.”

Of course he did.

Seemingly remembering something, his mother reached under her cot and handed him a box. “This is also for you.” She pointed at a small vase of daffodils sitting in the window that he hadn’t noticed. “That’s also from him and…” she pointed over at his father who scooted a bit and pointed with her at a vase of assorted tulips which also had a basket of assorted flowers beside it “those and the basket next to it.”

“And these,” his father laughed while flicking a small vase of lilies. “We told him if he keeps bringing shit, he can’t come anymore.”

Joseph wasn’t sure if his condition would allow him to healthily blush anymore because he was blushing more by the second. Why did Finlay always have to be so damn extra? Opening the box to see what the only thing that wasn’t flowers was, Joseph asked “Guess he hasn’t come today yet?”

“Nope,” his mother snorted as she stretched, “and good thing. If you woke after he came, he’d have a fit.”

Staring down into a box filled with Beanie Babies, Joseph covered his face with one hand – his right hand screamed in protest at the movement so he let it be – and laughed. Atop the colorful plushies sat a small slip of paper, a note written on it.

My Queen needs his entourage

Chapter Text

“Yo, you sure it’s okay that I’m with you?”

Finlay rolled his eyes at a question he’d answered all the way here and all the way into the hospital and now, apparently, all the way up to Joseph’s room. “Jiang, bitch, I swear-”

“I’m just like…nervous, alright,” Jiang huffed, crossing his arms with a gift hanging from his wrist. Finlay had tried to look inside the bag but he had been rudely slapped instead. Face softening from annoyance as the elevator stopped at the floor they needed, Jiang murmured “I’ve only met his mom once and now she’s clean. I’ve never met his dad and now he’s here. I…I just dunno if I can see him in bed, y’know?”

Yeah, Finlay knew. Finlay knew exactly what Jiang was talking about.

Holding his vase of roses tightly against his chest and feeling kind of stupid, Finlay found the room he was looking for and took a deep breath before knocking. He was terrified, mostly, because he was afraid Mrs. K would be mad at him for not seeing this coming. He was terrified, really, because he should’ve seen this coming but he hadn’t and now he had to face the boy he loved in a hospital bed.

In short, Finlay was terrified of just about everything.

A man opened the door and for a moment, they just stared at each other. He was hauntingly familiar, this man, with his long nose, nice brows, brown eyes that weren’t large but weren’t small either, and wry mouth. Hauntingly familiar in that…he remined Finlay of his love. It clicked then, who this man was. A flash of a picture in San Diego went through his mind, Joseph pointing out every member of his family.

Despite himself, Finlay’s stomach churned.

“I’m here to see Joseph,” Finlay said, puffing out his chest and standing taller. On principle, he hated this man. But also, he knew Joseph loved him. Finlay wanted to make a good impression for Joseph’s sake, regardless of his current feelings. “Mr…Kavinsky?”

The man nodded slowly, sizing up Finlay before holding the door open and gesturing him in. His critical gaze burned Finlay’s skin. “Come on in. You are?”

Finlay knew it was childish but he legit stopped in his tracks and stared at Joseph’s father. He’d heard a few accents in his time being that Aglionby brought kids from everywhere but he’d never heard one like that. Joseph had never said his dad had an accent. “Um…I’m, uh, Finlay. Finlay Swan.”

He kind of wanted to say ‘his boyfriend’ but it was both a lie and might cause issues they didn’t need right now.

“Nice to meet you, Finlay,” Mr. Kavinsky said, though he was giving Finlay this weird look. Almost like he knew he’d stared because of his voice. He eyed the roses, “That’s…a lot of flowers.”

Roses for his Bulgarian queen. He hoped Mr. K wouldn’t read the card. He hoped Joseph was still all for the affection. “Roses are Bulgaria’s flower which…you most likely know.” Joseph’s father raised a brow. “And you give people in hospitals flowers.”

“Two dozen seems excessive, no?”

Not when he was madly in love and had almost lost Joseph. Or at least, he figured he was madly in love. Finlay had a problem with falling hard. “Nope. If I’m rich, I might as well spend it.” It was such an ironic thing to say when he’d spent most of his life dead ass broke. Turning towards the bed in the small room, Finlay froze, his eyes going wide. “Fucking…hell…”

His love was a wreck. Scratch that, a fucking wreck. He was wrapped in what seemed like a gazillion bandages and his arm and leg were elevated by slings. There were tubes and IVs everywhere, making Finlay queasy as hell knowing that all these things were the only stuff keeping Joseph alive. But…the heart monitor was beating at a steady pace and he was breathing well with the help of the oxygen down his throat so…that was a good sign.

Finlay should’ve brought five dozen roses and a blanket. And just everything the stores had to offer.

“You can put your flowers on the table by the bed if you’d like,” Mr. Kavinsky said as he walked around the bed to where a small cot was, taking a seat. There were bags and some food wrappers strewn around, a pants here and a shirt there. He tapped the bedside table beside him. “Or here. Wherever you’d like.”

The man was polite, Finlay could give him that.

Joseph was all bandaged on the right side and Finlay wanted him to see these as soon as possible so… Walking around the bed, admittingly a little afraid of being so close to who he just remembered was a mobster, Finlay set his vase on the small drawer set before focusing back on his unconscious love. “He hasn’t woken up yet?”

It’d been two days since the ‘accident’ and Finlay had been too scared to go see Joseph. Too scared to see him hurt. Too scared to face the fact that he was so fucking blind.

The guilt had been eating him alive. He hadn’t caught a wink of sleep from the playback of all the events leading up to this horrid moment.

And because of that damn fucking letter. He should’ve known. He should’ve because it wasn’t like Joseph went around passing out damn letters. Finlay hadn’t opened it, couldn’t bring himself to, so it sat unopened in his glove compartment.

He wasn’t so sure that there’d ever be a day that he could open it.

“He’s in and out but unaware of it. He’ll…moan a bit, cry a little, then go back to sleep. Which, I guess, is best for now so he doesn’t feel the worst of the pain.”

Biting on his nail, Finlay shoved his fear away and asked “How bad?”

There was a heavy sigh like he’d had the weight of the world on his shoulders before he answered “Not as bad as it could’ve been, supposedly.”

Finlay could hear where Joseph’s biting sarcasm came from. Jesus.

“I consider this bad but what do I know? But then, Vesela’s always been a positive one.”

“Vesela?”

“His mother. My wife.” Oh. That was her name? Wait, where the fuck was she? Glancing around even though he knew there was no one else here- “She’s home getting some rest and checking on the dog. Walnut.” Mr. K laughed, almost nostalgically. “His naming technique definitely hasn’t gotten better.”

Deciding that he wasn’t going to have Mr. Kavinsky talk to his back because that was rude as fuck, Finlay turned around and very carefully sat on the very very edge of Joseph’s bed. “How’s she doing?” Depending how high she’d been when she’d heard the news, she either cared or didn’t. Had they called Mr. Kavinsky here because she was-

“Ivo, Yulian says you’re not answering-” Mrs. K paused in the doorway, her hands full of bags with God knew what. A smile eclipsed her face and suddenly, Finlay was sure he’d never seen this smile before. It was…beautiful. Bright. Awake. Was she…no way… “Finlay? Hi, sweetheart!”

Before he knew it, his mouth was blaring like the idiot he was. “Mrs. K, you clean?”

She paused from closing the door and Finlay wished he’d stopped himself. But she just seemed so… everything he’d never seen before. Joseph’s mother didn’t seem annoyed by the question though, if anything she looked…

Proud.

“Damn straight,” she laughed, putting the bags down and finishing the small distance to him, enveloping him in a suffocating hug as if this was something they did on the regular. Not that he minded. “I’m on day three, bitch, and I’m feeling like a winner. Mostly. When I’m not feeling like complete trash.” Putting her hands on his shoulders and looking him in the eyes with this playful face that was nothing like when she was high and weird, she added “The first forty-eight hours were the hardest but…I’m okay today. I feel good.”

“Fuck,” he said, in lack of being able to say much else because when Joseph was awake, he was going to freak. “That’s…amazing. Congratulations, I mean, damn, that’s just…”

“That amazing, yeah, I know,” Joseph’s mother laughed. Her eyes caught on the roses, “Those are gorgeous, thank you!”

Finlay wondered if she thought that he’d brought them as ‘the boyfriend.’ As far as he knew, she still believed their lie. “So, um, how’s he doin’?”

“Well,” she began, taking a careful seat beside him, “could’ve been worse-”

“Uhuh,” Mr. Kavinsky snorted while typing on his phone, “worse.”

Mrs. K looked annoyed with her husband and maybe she was just on the fact that she didn’t know how to deal with him. Finlay knew that they hadn’t seen each other in years. It was a bit different than talking on the phone. “Yeah, worse, Ivo. If you were just going to bring your negativity, then you shouldn’t have come.”

Tossing his phone onto the cot beside him, Mr. K looked particularly pissed in a very Kavinsky way as he replied “Right, because who gives a fuck that my child is in the hospital for severe burns because of his third suicide attempt and has been unconscious for two days.”

He doubted that they wanted to be corrected. They didn’t know about Finlay talking Joseph down from blowing out his brains. “Did you just arrive?” Finlay asked nervously, hoping it was okay to even speak. He didn’t like this tension at all but he wasn’t leaving.

“Last night.”

“Ah.”

“What I’m saying,” Mrs. Kavinsky sighed, sounding more tired than she looked, “is that ‘what ifs’ aren’t going to help. We’re here now. He’s here now. Yes, it could’ve been worse. He could’ve died, he could’ve been burnt to a crisp, but he didn’t and here we are. Let’s just get to the point of him waking up and we’ll worry about everything after.”

“So…prognosis?” Finlay tried again, still wanting an answer. Burns, yeah he knew, but he wanted to know how bad.

“Right, so…he’s…crispy on the right.” Finlay couldn’t help but laugh which made her smile and wink. “Mostly. Some towards his middle too. The most severe burns are around his wrist and lower arm and also a few patches along his ribs.” She paused, his eyes flicking over to her child and his raised arm. “The swelling is better now…um, third degree but…it’s looking positive.”

“Third?” Finlay practically whispered, his own eyes looking over to Joseph’s arm. Biting his nail, he added “That’s…not good.”

Understatement of the year.

“The majority are varying degrees of second degree burns. Mild to severe. Some first surrounding the areas too but, um…” she nodded slowly, still looking down at Joseph, “we’ll…uh…get there. He’ll get better. Just needs a bit of time. Just…some time.”

Finlay led them to Joseph’s room, no longer feeling the nerves he had the first couple days of coming. He’d found his groove with Joseph’s parents and had no problem with seeing his love in bed. If anything, he just wanted to do everything for him if he’d been allowed or not too embarrassed to ask. “It’ll be fine, don’t worry.”

Jiang grumbled something behind him that Finlay didn’t care to catch as he knocked before sticking his head into the room. “Can I…”

The most beautiful boy in the world raised his brows at him though flinched a second later because it must’ve hurt. “Can you…?”

“Shit, I know that stupid ass voice,” Jiang laughed, all nerves having disappeared, shoving Finlay in and looking almost as happy as he did when Isha had said yes to them getting together. “Oh my shit, Jersey, you look like shit!”

Joseph laughed, an almost carefree smile on his face. “Yeah, I went for the whole ‘bandaged’ look but I don’t think I’m pulling it off.” He held up a Saint Bernard Beanie Baby and just the fact that he’d opened them and had all of them in bed with him made Finlay’s heart swell. “I’ve decided that this is Finlay.”

“Fuck, where’d you get all these from?” Jiang asked, walking over and leaving Finlay still dumbfounded by the door.

Joseph was awake.

Joseph was awake and smiling and laughing and naming his Beanie Babies.

Fuck.

“From Finlay,” Joseph answered, setting down Beanie Finlay and picking up a Chihuahua. “This is Skov.”

“You got him Beanie Babies?”

Wishing desperately that of all days he hadn’t come empty handed, Finlay walked over and sat on the empty cot. It was odd that the room was empty because-

Mr. Kavinsky walked in, fresh coffee in hand.

Okay, scratch that.

“Hello,” Mr. K said, walking over and taking a seat beside Finlay. Whenever Finlay came, he tried his best to keep his distance because the man scared him and yet here they were. It was like Joseph’s father stuck to him on purpose. Actually, he was more than positive that he did. It stressed Finlay the fuck out but he couldn’t tell him to fuck off. “Empty hands today?”

“Of all days, yeah,” Finlay muttered sullenly. “I should go buy something.”

“More…flowers?”

“Best way to brighten a room,” Finlay replied, walking in with his daffodils and setting them on the windowsill over the cot. Finlay liked to think of himself as fearless but just hearing this man’s voice, having to be in room alone with him, crushed that fearlessness like nothing. “A brighter room’s proven for brighter recovery, you know.”

Mr. Kavinsky nodded as he chewed a granola bar. “I guess.” Finlay personally preferred sitting with Mrs. Kavinsky but he seemed to only come on Mr. K’s time. Anytime he tried to time it with what he thought their schedules were, he’d end up wrong. “Can I ask you something?” Sitting down on the cot so he could watch over Joseph, Finlay shrugged. “Are you in love with Joseph?”

Finlay blushed at being found out so easily, hiding it behind the guise of rubbing his hair that he was growing out to do cornrows again. They weren’t his favorite but Joseph had liked them the best so…

Yeah.

“What makes you say that?” For a man who Finlay knew was homophobic, knew that he’d beaten Joseph for having a boyfriend, knew-

Shit.

Taking a curious look at Mr. Kavinsky, Finlay roved his eyes over the man, not sure what he was looking for. It was weird knowing that this person had in fact had a bullet put through his head – on accident – and yet here he was.

Acting totally normal. Acting like a totally fine human being.

Well, so did Proko…kind of. Proko was a little off.

“If, for example,” Mr. Kavinsky began, leaning against the counter behind himself and crossing his arms, “my wife, God forbid, was in the hospital, I’d bring her flowers and gifts and show up every day and sit there-”

“Your point?”

“I want to know if you love my son. Like, even. There’s something. I can see that much.” He took another bite of granola with that unnervingly blank face of his. “So do you?”

Glancing from father to son, Finlay rested his elbows on his knees and his chin on his clasped hands. He’d never been afraid of homophobes but he knew Joseph wouldn’t be comfortable with this. “Why? So you can stand there and spew shit at me? About him? Save it because I don’t care to hear it.”

“What makes you so sure that I would?”

“I know a lot more than you think, Mr. Kavinsky.”

“Well, not everything because you don’t know that I now have no problem with Joseph being…being…being gay.”

He couldn’t stop himself from laughing. It was a dangerous thing to laugh in this man’s face but there just was no stopping it. “You sure? You really struggled there for a minute. Is it because he almost died?”

“He’s almost died quite a few times now.”

“I do love him,” Finlay said softly, turning back to the still pale boy in bed. “I love him so much that it hurts. So much that I’d do anything for his stupid ass. It’s funny because we used to hate each other.”

It almost sounded like Mr. Kavinsky laughed. “Enemies to lovers. Cheesy as fuck.”

“Yeah, I’m a cheesy guy. I told your son as much. He despises cheesy pet names but I dig ‘em so…” Finlay trailed off, a pang of emptiness stabbing him. No, Joseph wouldn’t have to deal with it. Finlay had already been rejected. It was over. He’d tried and it hadn’t worked and that was that.

“So…?”

“Never mind,” Finlay sighed, the realization that this was all fruitless hitting him harder than anything. He could act all lovey now but once Joseph was awake, it was over. “So, nothing. We’re not anything. It doesn’t matter.”

“Yo, Beanie Babies?” Jiang glanced at the huge pile of animals on Joseph. “How many damn babies did you buy him, you cheesy fuck?”

“The entire display.”

“Of course you did,” Joseph laughed. It did funny things to Finlay’s heart. Funny happy things but also sad things because he didn’t get to have that laugh. He’d been dumped already. It hurt every time he thought about it. Picking up the Saint Bernard again, Joseph held it up to Finlay. “Finlay, meet Finlay.” He made the little dog’s head bob, “Woof.”

Blushing, Finlay grabbed the dog and stared at his namesake. “Why am I Bernard? And maybe I wanna say ‘bark.’ Or ‘arf.’”

“Nah, woof is cheesy. You’re cheesy.” He laughed and picked up a tubby looking corgi, smiling cheekily at Jiang. “Guess who this is?” Jiang shrugged, his eyes now actually paying attention to how bad Joseph looked. He looked scared almost, concerned for sure, and maybe just a bit guilty.

But Finlay knew that they were all feeling guilty. He’d literally given them a goodbye speech and none of them had been paying attention.

“It’s Isha.” Jiang went in for the slap but froze, his hand an inch from Joseph’s bandaged ear. Joseph stuck out his tongue and stupidly, all that Finlay focused on was his lack of tongue stud. “Looooser. You can’t touch meeee.”

Yanking Dog Isha out of Joseph’s hand, Jiang stared at it, then Joseph, narrowing his eyes dangerously. “Are you calling my boyfriend fat, you twig jackass?”

“No, he’s pleasantly plump,” Joseph snorted before he cringed, carefully clutching his nose. “Ouch. And you like him plump so me saying it isn’t wrong. It’s merely acknowledging the fact.”

“I’m sorry that I like my significant others to have a little meat on them,” Jiang muttered, crossing his arms. “We can’t all be Swan over there liking your sack of bones ass.”

Taking back Dog Isha, Joseph replied “You wish you liked my sack of bones ass. You wish you were even my type, dumbass.” Reaching over, he picked up a cup of juice with a lid and straw from the bedside table and sipped. “Thanks for all the flowers and the Beanie babies, by the way. I heard you got threatened to stop bringing stuff?”

“And…more flowers,” Mr. Kavinsky laughed, shaking his head from where he was lying down on the cot, Mrs. Kavinsky sitting at his feet. “Jesus Christ, kid, how whipped are you?”

It was weird. He knew that Joseph’s father wasn’t entirely comfortable with the ‘gay thing’ and yet he seemed to be able to joke about it. It was both confusing and confounding and left Finlay wondering if maybe the man really was ready to accept Joseph for who he was.

Which was strange as it was.

“They’d have to actually be together for him to be whipped,” Mrs. K snorted, flipping a page of an ancient history magazine. She threw him a glare, “Actually. Together.”

Great. She’d found out. Finlay wouldn’t have minded if she’d never figured it out. “For the record-”

“Uh-uh. Save it. You two led me on. You know what kind of ridiculous things I said to him thinking you guys were together? And it just turns out you’re both liars.”

Setting down his basket of flowers while wishing he could know what these ridiculous things were, Finlay took a seat in the ugly uncomfortable chair and said “You just…seemed so happy about it so he wanted to keep you happy. I didn’t mind playing along.”

“I was happy because I thought he was finally being himself.”

“Well, I mean…it’s not like it was totally a lie though. I asked him out, he said no.” Finlay laughed, remembering their huge fight. A huge fight that to this day he didn’t understand. “Actually, he said yes, we were together for two hours, and then he dumped me. And then the next day he tried to kill himself. And here we are.”

Mr. Kavinsky raised his head, giving Finlay a quizzical look. “I thought you said there’s nothing between you guys.”

“There isn’t.”

Those words hurt a lot more than he could’ve ever guessed.

“No, there is. Rejection. A two hour relationship. Those still count.”

“What’s your point?” Finlay asked crossly. He’d known this man for a few days now but he rubbed him the wrong way in so many ways. So many. “Are you going to have a homophobic freak out?”

“Rude,” he replied, setting his head back down and resting his hands on his chest. “And no. I might have a fatherly freak out though. But so far, I seem to like you.” Lifting his head again, he asked “Why’d he dump you?”

“I’d say with all due respect but I don’t actually mean it so I won’t. It’s not of your business. Especially because more than half the reason he’s the mess he is, is your fault.”

He didn’t even seem mildly offended. “I know. Trust me. Anyways,” he yawned, resting his head down back on the cot, “stop bringing shit. There’s seriously no room in here. When he gets a bigger room or goes home, bring anything you like but I can’t breathe in here.”

“Fucked up, right? I should be allowed to spoil you as I please.”

Jiang flicked a glance between the two of them, then to Mr. Kavinsky before taking a breath and asking “Why…are you two acting like…”

“Like?” Joseph asked, genuinely curious as he sipped his juice.

“Like…like everything is chill? Totally gouda? Like you didn’t smash his heart into millions of pieces? Like he’s your damn bae?”

This guy always had to make issues. Always. Joseph and Finlay shared a looked before Joseph turned back to Jiang. “Everything is chill. We already made up and moved on. What’s it your shit?”

Looking particularly annoyed which only annoyed Finlay because this idiot always just had to stick his nose in, Jiang said “Because either he’s your bae or he ain’t. Don’t drag him along if you don’t plan on keeping him the way he deserves.”

“How hard is it to be so stupid?” Joseph snorted, setting his juice back on the stand. “Being that I did not die as planned, it means I’m supposed to go with my secondary plan. See, my plan was like 99 percent full proof, man.”

“Thankfully, that one percent won out,” Mr. Kavinsky muttered, mostly to himself.

“Funny, I thought I heard something.” Joseph made a show of cupping his good ear and ‘listening’ for more. “No? The bug must’ve realized that no one wanted to listen.”

Admittedly, Finlay had been seriously curious about shit between Joseph and his father now that Joseph was awake.

“My secondary plan is .00000001 fool proof and was never meant to go into play. But as Lord Kavinsky muttered, the one percent won meaning I have to go with plan numero dos.”

“Does this speech have a point,” Jiang sighed, bored but no less angry for Finlay.

“Yes. I’m supposed to do something for myself. There was freedom to which reality slapped my hand and said no and there was loving a boy.” Joseph through his hand out in Finlay’s direction. “The boy.”

“Elaborate.”

Sighing like ‘such idiots,’ Joseph said tiredly “I plan on keeping him, dumbass.”

Finlay stared at Joseph in confusion. Keeping him? Keeping who? Keeping Finlay?

Wait, what?

Chapter Text

“Keeping me?” Swan literally squeaked, a hand on his heart.

Xia wanted to laugh but he knew this moment was totally too cereal for that. But a big dude like Swan should not be able to squeak like that.

Kavinsky actually looked embarrassed, blushing even, as he turned to look at Swan. “I mean…if…you’re, like, still…um…”

“If you’re still down for that,” Mr. Kavinsky finished with a sigh and an eye roll. “My kid used to have game and now he’s stuttering mess. Sigh.”

“Maybe he’d have better game with dudes if you weren’t his dumbass father,” Xia snapped, making everyone’s eyes turn to him. It was uncomfortable to have such blank and yet somehow dangerous eyes on him, but Xia wasn’t keeping his mouth shut about this one. “Maybe if you weren’t such a piece of shit-”

“Jiang,” Kavinsky interrupted, his voice stern, which kind of pissed Xia off because he shouldn’t be defending his garbage dad. “Stop.”

“Am I wrong though?”

“No but stop.”

Clenching his jaw, Xia waited until he was sure he could keep his anger in before letting out a breath. “Fine. But if you need to kick his ass, lemme know. Me and Swan will do you some hella justice.”

Amusement and…was that…affection? glittered in Kavinsky’s eyes. The scary part was that the exact same look was reflected in K’s dad’s eyes too. “Will do. Now, lemme see what you got me. Gimme.”

Xia walked into Isha’s room, looking for some cuddles because he just wasn’t sure what the fuck was life anymore. He felt like his heart was ripping into pieces from guilt.

He should’ve noticed the signs. He should’ve, dammit. But no, instead of realizing that Kavinsky was telling them goodbye, he was just busy being a dumbass. Now his buddy was unconscious in the fucking hospital with burns all over his body. Xia was too afraid to even go see him from his guilt. Hell, Swan was too afraid to go and he loved K more than anyone.

That dumbass.

“Hey,” Xia sighed as he trudged over to his boyfriend’s bed. His bae was in fact sitting there but he neither scooted nor said hello back. Did he blame him too? Isha didn’t really know Kavinsky and they’d only met a few times but….Isha was that kind of guy who wanted the best for everyone. Even he had been upset with K’s suicide news.

Besides for their crew and Isha, it seemed like no one even gave a damn.

That was just wrong. They came to K’s parties, used him, but when something happened, they’d just whisper that he deserved it. And okay, maybe he was a bad guy sometimes but he wasn’t always. You just had to dig a little deeper to find the good parts of Kavinsky.

No one ever seemed to want to put the effort though. They just wanted Kavinsky’s name and his shit.

“These colors nice?” Isha asked in his soft voice that Xia absolutely adored.

“Colors?” he mumbled, rolling onto the bed before actually focusing on his bae and what he was doing. “You knitting? I didn’t know you can knit?”

He hadn’t and it was cute as fuck that his boyfriend liked to knit.

“Xia,” Isha laughed, still focused on whatever the thing in his lap was, “this isn’t knitting. It’s crochet, dummy.” He held up the silver hook in his hand, “This is a crochet hook, not a knitting needle.”

Crochet was cute as fuck too.

Rubbing the soft yarn between his fingers, Xia asked “What’re you making?”

Handing over the bag while feeling his face heating because he really hoped it wasn’t a stupid gift, Xia explained “It’s from me and Isha. Um, you can probs tell who did what.”

Xia would never be able to crochet in this life or the next. But…he liked to think he had some pretty badass artistic skill and the guys had told him that before so he decided to trust his hands. He went for sentimental instead of material gifts and he hoped K would love them.

Taking the bag with a curious look, Kavinsky set it on his lap and was about to use both hands before he remembered and set his right arm down with a tired sigh. “This is going to get annoying as fuck.”

“Think of it like when your arm broke,” Mr. K said, drawing up a leg and resting his arm on his knee. “If anything, this is better at least because it’s your right.”

“I probably look like a fucking lizard under here,” Kavinsky muttered, lifting up his burned arm and squinting at the bandages like he could see through them. Turning to Swan, he asked, almost…fearfully even “Will you still love me if I’m ugly?”

“Don’t be a fucking idiot,” Swan practically snapped, looking pissed as hell as he crossed his arms. “I’ve told you a million times I find you beautiful and that’s not changing from some stupid ass burns.”

“Wow, beautiful,” Xia couldn’t help but laugh, “Cheeeeesy.”

They both completely ignored him. Which was rude, thank you. “You say that now but you don’t what I look like under here. I don’t even know. But I know what third degree burns look like and its gross and off-putting. Nothing beautiful there, Finlay.”

Now Swan was seriously looking mad as fuck and maybe it was because K said he wanted him and now here he was questioning his love. That’d piss Xia off too. “I actually searched up third degree burns for your damn information and if you actually think I’m superficial enough to not want you over something so ridiculous, then you’re a damn fool who doesn’t know me.”

Xia couldn’t see Kavinsky’s expression – only the back of his head – but K tilted his head like he was considering the words before shrugging nonchalantly. “Just checking.”

Fuck, he was testing him.

Damn.

He started choking on the laughter he was holding in, to the point where it became painful and he just had to let it out. Swan didn’t look happy at all but K and his dad just looked amused like they wanted to join in on the laughs. “I mean, damn, I’m whipped, but he’s got you wrapped around his damn pinky!”

“You’re not funny,” Swan muttered darkly, not meeting anyone’s eyes. “Fuck all of you.”

With a smile and a new light to his eyes, Kavinsky turned back to the bag in his lap. “Chill, FinFin. It’s all some fun, bae. Now let’s see…” Sticking his hand in, he made a curious noise and pulled out Xia’s half of the gift first, holding up the frame to get a good look at it. “Damn, Jiang, you made this for me?”

Kavinsky actually looked…impressed. Enraptured even. The only times Xia had seen that look was when it came to cars.

“I, uh, figured, making something would be better than buying, y’know? What do you think?”

Still making starry eyes at Xia’s attempt at the First Age map of Lord of the Rings – his understanding of this all was minimal but he’d googled plenty – Kavinsky whispered in awe “I love it.” He shot a glance at his father for a moment, indecisiveness written all over him, before he must’ve made some decision. Biting his lip, he flipped the map around and showed Mr. Kavinsky. “Check it. First Age Arda. Cool or what?”

Mr. Kavinsky just looked happy to even be spoken too as he reached over Swan and took the framed map. He flicked a quick glance to Xia, “You made this?”

“Yeah, the dude’s a fucking nerd for this shit.”

K slung a thumb at his father. “Got it from him.”

“It’s beautiful,” Mr. Kavinsky said, setting the frame up beside Swan’s roses. “Nicely done.”

This man’s compliments meant nothing to him and yet he could feel himself beaming. Refusing to give the asshole that benefit, he was about to poke Kavinsky before he remembered he couldn’t.

It was going to take some getting used to.

“The other thing is from Isha.”

“He got me a gift?” Kavinsky murmured in surprise, sticking his hand back in. “That was nice of him. I don’t think we’ve ever said more than ten words to each other.”

“My bae’s a sweet one, man. Also, I’m supposed to find a way to say that we’re happy you’re not dead, sensitively, but I forgo all sensitive shit. We’re just happy you’re not dead.”

“Eh,” Kavinsky snorted, pulling out Isha’s gift as Xia took the bag off his lap and set it on the floor. He’d need room to properly open it up. “Is this…” Kavinsky unfolded and unfolded and unfolded until the entire blanket was open on him. Rubbing the soft blanket that was shades of blue, he whispered “This is for me? I…I don’t deserve this.”

Xia raised a brow. “Why not? Don’t be ridiculous.”

Biting his lip as he continued rubbing the blanket, Kavinsky repeated “I don’t deserve this.” He kept rubbing his hand on all the parts he could reach of the large blanket the went from his waist to his feet. “This…this must’ve taken days. I mean, I just,” he shook his head, looking almost miserable which definitely hadn’t been what Isha had been going for. “This is something special and I don’t deserve special.”

“Yo, man, if you reject his gift, I swear, I will hit you. Swan will probably hit me afterwards but I’ll still do it. He spent four days on that bitch, nonstop, so if you-”

“Why didn’t he come with you?”

“Huh?”

Looking up from the blanket, Kavinsky asked again “Why didn’t he come with you? He spent all this time on something so beautiful you’d think he’d want to give it to me himself. How am I supposed to properly thank him for something like this?” Tapping his chest with two fingers, Kavinsky said “I’m fucking bullshit. The lowest of the lowest of the lowest trash to exist.” It was like he knew Swan was about to interrupt because without even looking at him, he snapped his fingers his way to shut him up. “I’m a horrible human being. Horrible human beings don’t deserve special things like this.”

Just because he’d lived, didn’t mean K was all about living apparently. “Yo, you’re an asshole, for sure, no away around that one. You’re Jersey trash, also no way around that one.”

“You’re not helping,” Swan muttered, giving Xia a death glare.

“Lemme finish. And while you are a trashy asshole, no dirty joke intended, I don’t and never have considered you a bad person.” Kavinsky snorted so loud, anyone outside the door could’ve heard it. It looked like he wanted to cross his arms but couldn’t find a way to manage it. “I’m not a dude who blows up egos but…you’re one of the best people I’ve ever met.”

Kavinsky was far from appreciative of the words. “How fucking delusional are you exactly?”

“You’re generous, you secretly give a damn about people and find ways to make them feel better without actually making it look like you are, if there was a dying squirrel in the fucking road, you legit stop, pick it up, and sit with until it dies-”

It’d been gross as fuck but Kavinsky said they were going nowhere until the squirrel passed with company around it.

“-and, sadly, I find you funny even though I shouldn’t admit that.” There was a twitch of a smile on K’s face as Xia finished his speech. “Look, man, you’ve got a low opinion about yourself, mostly because of that asshole sitting over there, but you shouldn’t because honestly you’re a good person. It’s just…we gotta dig really deep in there to find it. You think Swan would actually want you so bad if you were a horrible person?”

If anything was to get through to Kavinsky, it was apparently that last line, as he turned and glanced at his…bae? Xia wasn’t exactly sure if they were ‘official’ but they sure were something. “Dunno, maybe he’s stupid.”

“Wow,” Swan snorted, rolling his eyes and shaking his head. “Gee, thanks. I don’t drag my ass here every day and sit with your scary ass dad for nothin’, man.”

“Scary ass?” Mr. Kavinsky murmured, the only reaction showing that he’d been paying attention this whole time.

“Isha made you a blanket because he wants you to be comfortable and…” Swan looked like he was wracking his brain for something “just, fucking comfortable, okay? If he didn’t you think you deserved it, he wouldn’t have spent hours making it for you.”

Gazing back down at the blanket and rubbing it like it was the most precious thing in the world, Kavinsky sighed before resting back into his pillow and closing his eyes. “I think I want to sleep now.”

Both Xia and Swan knew this for what it was. He was throwing them out because he didn’t know how to deal. “Cool, sleep. We’ll sit.”

Even with his eyes closed, there was a flicker of annoyance evident on his face. “I’m trying to be polite here.”

“Fuck, polite,” Xia snorted, plopping down into the worst chair in the world. “Go ahead, sleep. We ain’t moving unless you throw a screaming fit. And honestly, even then, we probably won’t move either. We’ve seen your fits. Nothing new.”

“Amen,” Swan laughed, placing his hands back so he can lean on them before he literally bolted into the air. Both Xia and K stared at him and waited. Blushing and glancing at Kavinsky’s dad who was as confused as everyone else, he scratched his head and said “Uh, my bad.”

Mr. Kavinsky’s eyes narrowed in confusion with his mouth somehow curling both up and down. “For…?”

Blushing to the point where his eyes looked like they could blush too, Swan mumbled while flailing a hand around in random ass movements. “I, uh, brushed, uh…uh…”

“Please tell me you aren’t having a panic attack just because you touched me.”

Swan’s eyes went wide.

“Oh my God,” Mr. Kavinsky said in to his hands before he started…laughing. This scary ass dude was laughing. Which, sure, Xia was sure mobsters could laugh and all but this…

It was so weird.

Fuck.

“Yo, man, yous a mobster, yeah?”

Peeking between his fingers while finishing the last of his laughs while Swan sat on the very edge of the cot, Mr. K replied “Did you just ‘yo’ me? The fuck? What are you, seventeen?”

“Didn’t think you have morals or anything,” Xia said with a shrug, trying to feign nonchalance because this man did in fact scare him. He totally got what Swan felt now. Just Mr. Kavinsky’s voice was kind of…foreboding. Deep like a Bond villain type of sound. “But I can say ‘yo mister’ instead of ‘man’ if you’d like. Mobsters like manners, don’t they? It’s pretty hard to come by manners with me.”

“That’s apparent.” Xia just shrugged again. He had a bed and K between them so he felt safe. Resting his chin on his hand, Mr. Kavinsky said “I don’t think I’ve gotten your name.”

“Xia.” He pointed at Kavinsky, “Met this asshole in the fight circle. I won.”

Kavinsky rolled his eyes. Maybe it was because he’d been in a hospital for a week, going from unconscious to conscious, maybe it was the bandages, but it was something and that something made Kavinsky’s face seem smaller than ever. Thinner. Paler. Like his eyes were lost in the sockets. “It was an unfair fight and you know it.”

He paused and glanced at the door when there was a knock and a woman stuck her head in. “I’m here to change bandages. Joseph Kavinsky?”

“Yeah, that’s him,” Mr. Kavinsky answered, suddenly a thousand times serious, examining the woman’s every step as she walked in. Xia hoped to never be on the end of that gaze. He stood beside the bed, across from Xia, and stuck out his hand. “Ivo Kavinsky.”

“Lacey,” she replied, taking his hand. She was younger, probably fresh out of school, and it was rude but Xia was worried about her capabilities with her being so green. “Pleasure to meet you.” She smiled at K, “Can I call you Joseph?”

“Uh, I guess. It’d be weird if you called me Tim or something, don’t you think?”

The nurse laughed as she prepped her supplies on the small rolling tray she’d brought with her. “Humor is good for recovery. Make sure you keep it. Now, I heard you woke up a little while ago?” Kavinsky nodded. “Okay, so, I need to get a few things out of the way. First, do you want everyone here to stay?”

Kavinsky looked at her in confusion, one eyebrow going up and the other down. “Do they need to leave?”

Lacey gave him a patient smile. “This will be your first time seeing the burns. It’s a little rough for some people and some aren’t comfortable with other’s seeing them. What makes you comfortable?”

Xia didn’t know about K but he was suddenly uncomfortable. He wasn’t squeamish by any means but…seeing his buddy’s burns from trying to kill himself?

He wished he was sitting on Swan’s side instead of the burned side.

“Oh…um…” Kavinsky looked down at his arm, biting his lip. Before, he’d talk big game by making fun of himself but Xia knew that being suddenly faced with it was a whole other thing. “I…I, um…um…”

Seeing Kavinsky scared wasn’t something he liked. Nor was it something Swan seemed to like as he squeezed in beside Mr. Kavinsky and softly rested his hand on K’s. Mr. Kavinsky’s eyes tracked the movement and Xia remembered that this man was a trash ignorant fuck. He didn’t look bothered but… “Me and Jiang can wait outside, alright? Until you see and get comfortable and then we’ll worry about it. No pressure, okay?”

Looking at Swan with an expression Xia wished he could see, Kavinsky nodded slowly. “Yeah, that’d…that’d…um…be best, I think.”

Thank God. Xia wasn’t sure he wouldn’t cringe at seeing the burns. Who knew how bad it was under there. “We’ll be right outside then. You want anything? We can sneak in some crap food if you want us too.”

K shook his head, not meeting anyone’s eyes, and returning his focus to his arm.

Hopefully…it wasn’t too much of a shock down there.

Chapter Text

Watching as the nurse took out her various tools and bandages after his buddies walked out, Joseph suddenly felt like he wanted to throw up. What if he looked disgusting? He’d been joking about it before but what if he seriously was some leathery gross thing under there?

Finlay wouldn’t want some nasty ass lizard.

Gnawing on his lip, Joseph hated the fact that his mother wasn’t here and his fear left him with the only option around. Glancing up at his father who was very closely watching the nurse’s every move, Joseph whispered in Bulgarian “Is…is it…is it really…bad? Like…nasty?”

His father looked down at him, only pure affection in his eyes that Joseph hadn’t seen in years. Affection that he’d been craving for years.

Affection that had died with him back in Jersey.

Slipping his hand into Joseph’s, his father held it tight and replied back in their tongue “Nasty? No. Tough to take in the first time? Yeah. It’s okay if you can’t look the first time and keep in mind that it’ll get better. They’re still fresh.”

Joseph didn’t feel much better but there was nothing he could do about it. Lacey gave him a smile, a pair of shiny scissors in her gloved hands. “Where do you want me to start?”

Where? How the fuck should he know? “Um…” he murmured as he glanced down at himself. The worst of it was his arm, he knew that, so… “My…foot? My foot, I think.” Had to be decent all the way over there, right? Couldn’t be too bad down there.

“Okay,” Lacey said with a nod as she scooted down the bed and pulled the blankets back. It was his first time actually looking at anything besides his bandaged arm but he noted that his toes didn’t have to be bandaged so that was good, wasn’t it? “This is a beautiful blanket you have,” Lacey admired as she began cutting the bandage with careful hands.

“My…” Joseph scrounged his brain on what to call Jiang before he just had to admit to himself, “friend’s boyfriend made it for me.”

Isha had made him a blanket. An entire fucking blanket. Joseph still didn’t feel like he deserved something so thoughtful and beautiful. Sure, he’d never been mean to Isha – Jiang would’ve kicked his ass – but he’d never been anything more than decently polite. And yet, Isha still had put the extreme time and effort to make him this.

Joseph would have to think of a really good way to thank him.

“Hey,” Joseph said in surprise at seeing his foot. He wished he could lean closer without it hurting his side. “That actually looks okay.” His foot was blotchy with burns but none of them looked serious. They were like something his mother had gotten in the kitchen before. Joseph wiggled his toes in this weird giddiness he was feeling. His foot was the least of his injuries, he knew that, but it still made him feel okay for what was coming.

“It’s looking great actually,” Lacey replied, cleaning his foot with wet gauze before very carefully patting it dry. “No swelling or blisters. Perfect.”

Watching her rewrap his foot and systematically working her way up his leg, Joseph froze when she began to untie his gown. Lacey must have noticed because she paused and explained “You have burns along your pelvis and side that I have to clean.”

Burns along his pelvis. In the back of his mind, Joseph had more or less understood that he was burned all the way down and that his mother had made sure all his nurses were women because he would never handle a man touching him…all over. He’d understood that. It was just…having her trying to undress him and…touch him didn’t sit well with him.

At all.

Joseph knew that someone had to have been doing it but he’d been unconscious then so he hadn’t felt it. “Oh. Um…um…”

Joseph had no idea what to do.

An arm stretched around him and suddenly it was his father’s hands untying the gown but he didn’t touch the tie around his neck and instead leaned Joseph forward just a bit and untied the next one down. Almost methodically like he’d been doing this for years, his father rested Joseph back down and lifted the gown back only along his burns on his hips. It was like a little window to another world, leaving no room for any other viewing. “This is how we do it with Sandy.”

Lacey seemed confused but she nodded and began removing the bandages. Once they were off, Joseph stared at the burn stretching from the edge of his hip almost to his middle, just under his belly button and stretching to the top of his pubic area.

Humor. Lacey said humor was good for this shit. “Well, lots of dudes wax their happy trail anyways.”

With a laugh, Lacey was more careful with cleaning this burn and thank God she was because even with the drugs in him, he could feel the pain every time she touched it. There were a few blisters here and there, almost like…goosebumps on steroids, surrounded by enflamed skin so red it gave cherries a run for their money. Some patches were darker, cracking in appearance while other were bright red but smooth.

It looked gross. Joseph wasn’t sure he even wanted to know what his arm looked like now.

Lacey worked with a quiet focus as she cleaned the burns, checked the blisters, and rebandaged the area. She moved up his side at a meager pace with his father holding back parts of the gown as they worked their way up. Just the fact that even when he’d been out they’d made sure to do this for him…

His parents were…pretty amazing people. On a good day.

The burns along his ribs were as bad, if not worse, as the ones along his pelvis. Some blisters were bigger, angry and pus-filled, while some were smaller but in higher quantities. He looked like a…moderately charred piece of meat and, well, he was getting more scared by the second on seeing the disgustingness of his arm. There were a few…distinctly worse patches than others and Joseph had a feeling that was closer to how his arm was going to look.

Right about now, he wanted his mother because those particular patches looked like charred meat for sure. His skin was black and what appeared to be bloodied but he knew that it was the actual meat of his arm, appearing both wet and dry at the same time. Lacey changed her gloves to a fresh pair and slid a finger along one of the patches. “Can you feel that?”

Joseph wanted his mother. Joseph wanted his mother here with him to hold his hand and tell him that she’d make everything better like she always did. But no, she’d stepped out with Gwen, neither of them telling him what they were stepping out for and not returning from. Joseph wanted his mother to be here as he tried to stop himself from panicking about the fact that he could barely even feel Lacey’s finger running along his skin. It should hurt. He should feel something.

All he felt was something like a vague whisper of a feather. It scared him. It scared him because he knew his arm was in worse condition than that patch of skin. What if his arm never worked again? What if it just became some useless limb attached to him?

“Can you feel that, Joseph?”

Biting his quivering lip, Joseph whispered “Can we wait until my mom comes back?”

From the sudden tension in his father’s hands as he held back the gown, Joseph knew that he was hurt by the question. Like he wasn’t good enough to be here, that him being here made no difference to Joseph, or that he was just that irrelevant to him. The irony of it all was that none of that was true. Joseph did in fact appreciate having his father standing beside him, watching the nurse work with a critical eye. But for the past four years, his mother had been his everything, not his father. She was the one who’d made sure that Joseph had, well, lasted as long as he has.

It wasn’t that his father didn’t matter and it wasn’t that Joseph wanted him to go away, but right at this moment, he needed his mother here too.

Lacey gave him a patient smile that didn’t reach her dark eyes. “I’m on a bit of a tight schedule-”

“Well, can’t you go and come back?” He couldn’t face his arm without his mother being here. No way. “Nothing’s going to change if you finish later.”

Giving him another one of those hideously frustrating patient smiles, Lacey must’ve realized that he wasn’t going to be easy about this. “How about this; I’ll finish checking the rest of the burns and we’ll leave your arm for last and hopefully by then, your mom is here.”

She’d just checked him from foot to ribs in five minutes. What the fuck was another couple minutes of checking his shoulder, neck, and ear going to change? “No. We’re waiting for her.” It annoyed him as she sent her patient smile to his father like she was giving him all the executive choices. Like Joseph’s word didn’t matter. “Don’t look at him; it’s not his fucking decision. I’m not some fucking ass inept-”

“Joseph,” his father cut in, trying to sound stern while still trying to not sound stern. Almost like he was afraid to be stern. It was funny, really. Looking to Lacey, he said with his own version of her patient smile “Let’s just wait a bit. She shouldn’t be long.”

Not looking particularly happy, Lacey nodded and took a seat in the chair vacated by Jiang, taking off her gloves and tossing them in the trash. While…yeah, Joseph wanted to wait for his mother, he was pretty sure that burns weren’t supposed to be left uncovered. What if he got infection from air bacteria or some shit? “You aren’t going to cover these?”

He wasn’t sure if she’d simply forgotten or not, but she sighed and smiled. “Of course. Sorry.” Putting on yet another pair of gloves, she brought them back to square one. “Can you feel my finger? I can’t cover them until we get a sense of where we’re at.”

Sighing and looking up at the ceiling, Joseph muttered “Not really.”

“Describe it for me.”

“Like…” he felt the sensation of her finger again running along the burn “you’re teasing me with a feather or some shit.” She rubbed her finger along each of the other patches and each time, Joseph told her the same answer.

The future wasn’t looking too bright for him right now. His arm had to be a wreck.

She moved on to his shoulder, then up to his neck, and then up still to his ear, completely forgoing the plan they were supposed to adhere to. Joseph was too worried about facing his arm to give her shit for it though.

Maybe in his foolproof plan, he should’ve taken into account what might happen if he did in fact live through his attempt.

Lacey moved to cut the bandages off his arm. “Alright-”

“My mom’s not here yet.”

“Joseph,” Lacey sighed as if they were even friends for her to sigh at him like that, “I really-”

“No, I want my mom. No compromises.” When she turned to look at his father yet again, Joseph ignored the pain anger would bring him and snapped “Bitch, don’t look at him like he gets a say.” His father was clenching his jaw so hard that Joseph knew that he wanted to reprimand his tone and words. “We’re waiting for my mom. That’s that.”

With a look that was far less friendly than what she’d originally started with, Lacey took a deep breath and sat back down. She even crossed her arms and Joseph knew that she was over being nice to him. It was fine because he didn’t think they’d be seeing each other again anyways. “You’re as bad as people say you are.”

“Yeah, well, fuck you too.”

There was a knock at the door and Finlay stuck his head in. “Um, done? Jiang’s supposed to take Isha out but he don’t wanna go without sayin’ bye.”

If Joseph couldn’t have his mother right now, then the queen wanted his secret lover. “We’re done for the moment. You guys can come back in.”

A smile beamed on Finlay’s face, making Joseph feel better already, as he walked in with Jiang trailing behind him. “Yo, yo,” Jiang greeted, softly fist bumping Joseph’s forehead like that made any sense. “I gotta high tail it but I’ll be by tomorrow or maybe even later, alright?”

“Yeah, it’s cool. Thanks for coming and for the gifts. Oh, and make sure to bring Isha with you too.”

Jiang stared at him like he was a foreign species. “You just thanked me.”

Seriously right now? “I’m not up for that bullshit.” With his eyes going wide, Jiang’s jaw dropped like it never had before, as though he was realizing something shocking. “What,” Joseph muttered wearily.

Pointing at him, Jiang whispered “Fuck, you’re clean, aren’t you? Oh my fuck.” He looked at Finlay but kept pointing at Joseph. “He’s clean? He’s clean. Holy shit. Oh. My-”

“Okay, stop,” Joseph grumbled, wishing he could fling a pillow at Jiang’s stupid face. This guy was always-

Fuck.

Joseph was clean. He was clean?

Holy shit.

Clean. Joseph was fucking clean.

“Oh my God,” Joseph whispered, wishing he could look in the mirror right now. “I’m clean. What. Thee. Actual. Fuck.” He pointed at himself while sharing a shocked glance with Jiang, “Fuck, dude, I’m clean.” The door opened as his mother walked in with a smile and two coffees. “Mayko, I’m clean.”

She rolled her eyes as she passed off one of the cups to his father as though he hadn’t just finished his own a moment ago. “Don’t be ridiculous, you were snorting in your sleep.”

“Is that possible?” Jiang muttered, seemingly in deep thought. “Huh…”

Finlay stared at Jiang with the rest of them until he slapped him one up top his head, making Jiang yelp in surprise. “Dumbass, she’s being sarcastic. Snort in his sleep. How fucking dense are you?”

Rubbing his head and grumbling, Jiang snorted “How the fuck should I know? Would you put it past him to find some way?”

“While I’m unconscious?”

Even Jiang knew it was stupid as he shrugged. “Yo, man, I met you, you were already getting high. This is like…monumental! Fuck, Skov is gonna freak!”

Joseph couldn’t even remember when he’d started using. He knew it’d been a stupid plan to make himself happy and in turn, make his mother happy but when…he couldn’t remember. This was going to be one hell of an experience, that was for sure. And where was Skov in all this? Joseph knew he had no love of hospitals but he hadn’t expected Jiang to come first. Really, he hadn’t expected anyone to show. Was Proko alright? Joseph had been unconscious, not dead and his father seemed fine…

Dream shit was always a curious thing. “Dunno if I want to be clean though.”

Annoyance flashed on Finlay’s face as he glared and crossed his arms. “Now you’re being the fucking dense idiot.”

“Just saying. There had to be a reason I was getting high, right? It’s not like my mental state is any better than it was.”

“We’ll make it better.”

“See? Now you’re dense.”

“Nah, nah,” Jiang interrupted with a wave of his hand, “I’m with Swan on this one. You got yourself a handsome dude now, man. Handsome dudes make everything better.”

“I still have an arm to check,” Lacey said loudly with the added effort of a huff. Joseph wished Jiang hadn’t mentioned handsome dudes in front of her. What if she went spreading around shit or something? “Can I?”

“Oh, did we clean already?” his mother asked, setting down her coffee and coming to stand beside Joseph’s bed.

“We just have the arm left.”

“Then let’s get to it.”

Jiang’s eyes went wide. “Uh, um, so I gotta go…Isha’s waiting for me. But I’ll come back. Lemme know if you want anything.”

Even if Joseph had wanted something, he wouldn’t have been able to tell him from how fast he left. It didn’t make him feel particularly good about his situation if Jiang who was badass Jiang was too afraid to peek. Looking over at Finlay, Joseph mumbled “You, uh, don’t-”

“If you want me here, then I’m staying. You don’t, then I don’t mind waiting outside. What do you want?”

What did he want? He wanted his mother to hold his hand but he wanted Finlay to hold his hand too and, well, at the moment, Joseph only had one hand for holding. His mother took priority so… “Um,” he replied, not meeting Finlay’s gorgeous eyes, “you can just…” he patted the edge of the bed beside his head on the left “just…stand…like, here.”

Finlay kept his face straight as he walked over but his eyes screamed his pleasure at being allowed to stay. He’d regret that once he saw Joseph’s arm. He knew it.

Lacey slipped on new gloves yet again as she stood, picking up her nice scissors. “Okay, let’s have a look.”

Chapter Text

His arm was bad. Vesela obviously already knew that because she’d seen it multiple times now. Ivo obviously knew that because he’d seen Joseph’s arm multiple times now too. Joseph on the other hand…

“I…I look disgusting.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Ivo muttered, looking a little hurt though Vesela wasn’t sure why. She knew that he was trying to go for the reassuring technique but he hadn’t played ‘father’ in years and his skills were shitty. Vesela had no idea what his aim was with coming but now that he was in fact here and Joseph was awake, she had a feeling that things were going to get…complicated.

Vesela made sure Walnut had enough food to last her the day before grabbing her little duffel and slinging it over her shoulder while yanking her keys off the island and running to the door. She didn’t like when she had to leave Joseph alone, especially because she wanted to be there when he woke up, but Walnut had to be checked on. The mutt needed food, water, and not to mention the bathroom. All Vesela needed right now was to find large dog crap in the middle of her floor.

With a shudder from the thought, she opened the front door and ran into a wall.

A wall? She had no walls in front of- “Ivo?”

Ivo? No, that couldn’t be right, she had to be dreaming. In fact, these insane past two days had to be a dream. Joseph hadn’t tried to kill himself again and her not-dead husband wasn’t standing in front of her looking like a mess. Ivo didn’t do messes. Even after twelve hours straight of work or a day of fixing cars or a sex marathon, Ivo didn’t ever look like a rumpled mess of…whatever this was.

Yup, she had to be dreaming.

“Hi,” he said and Vesela felt like that might be a blush on his handsome but tired face. But it was too dark to properly tell. “I, uh…” he lifted the duffel bag in his hand, “I’m…I’m here. Uh, yeah.”

Here. He was here. Why was he here? She could feel herself stupidly staring at her dead beloved man, not quite putting together why the fuck he was here. “Why?”

Ivo flinched, his face looking hurt as hell. “Why? Because I came to see Joseph. He’s in the hospital. Unconscious. On his third suicide attempt. Why? To see you. To see my wife. What the fuck? Why?”

Vesela didn’t have time for this right now. Setting her bag onto the floor with a hard plop, she crossed her arms and replied “Ivo, he’s been in the hos-”

“Yeah, well maybe I’m sick of the fact that that’s norm-”

“It’s become normal because of you.”

Clamping his mouth shut with an audible click, Ivo ground his jaw back and forth before shutting his eyes and taking a deep breath, opening his piercing eyes once more. “I know. I know and a sorry will never fix things. But something else can and I want my chance to do it. I want at least the chance to try.”

“It’s not disgusting,” Finlay agreed, and he surprisingly seemed serious. The extensive burns on Joseph’s arm didn’t even make him cringe. He looked as Finlay-ish as ever.

God did she love this boy. He was perfect for Joseph. Now she just needed to get them together.

For real.

“It’s just burns and they’ll heal and then they’ll do you skin grafts. You’ll still have scars but that’s not a big deal.”

Lord, he made it sound so easy.

Joseph’s eyes were still glued to his uncovered arm and she didn’t blame him. The first time she’d seen the entirety of his injuries, she’d gone into the bathroom and cried. Cried because healing was going to hurt him like hell and cried because he’d given her so many clues and she’d been too fucking high to even notice.

That night, she’d gone home and flushed down every drug in the house. She’d flushed everything in her room and then went into Joseph’s and searched every nook and cranny, dumping everything down into the toilet. She wasn’t going to let that be their lives anymore.

Raising their intertwined hands to her lips, she pressed a kiss on his knuckles and said softly “Baby, it’ll heal-”

“I’m not a fucking idiot!” he snapped, his head whipping around to glare at her, his hand nearly smashing her own. “Stop acting like it’s some damn scratch that just needs some Neosporin. It’s not. I can’t even feel her touching me! That’s going to heal in your mind?”

Vesela wasn’t looking at Finlay but she could feel the anger radiating off him. “Yeah, well, if you were so fucking worried about that, maybe you shouldn’t have tried to burn yourself to death.”

Wow. Okay. Even Vesela who wanted to beat some sense into Joseph once in a while wouldn’t have crossed that line.

The glare turned to Finlay, now ten times hotter. If she didn’t know that they both did in fact have feelings for one another, there was no way she’d ever be able to guess from just looking at them. “Really, fuckwad? Yeah, well, maybe if you were more than just a fucking idiot, you’d have known that the letter I gave you hours before was a suicide note! And you were too stupid to even look at it!”

Where the hell was her note? She’d found the card on the island but that hadn’t been for her. It’d been about her. But that was it. No way he hadn’t planned on leaving her anything.

“You made me promise not to. I don’t break my promises.”

The words meant more than what was presented to her and Ivo because a look passed between the boys, something deeper than she’d ever understand.

“You don’t get to try and twist this shit on me,” Finlay continued and Vesela had to give him points because this boy knew exactly how Joseph worked. “Tryin’ to make me feel like shit just because I’m not grossed out by your burns? See, this is your fucking problem. You get angry and then you try to make it everyone else’s fault and start sticking your damn knives in to see how much of a reaction you can get. The bigger the reaction, the better you feel. But see, I ain’t everyone. I’m not going to go home crying with my tail between my legs. I’d rather just punch you.”

Yup, this boy was perfection, swear to God.

“That’s abuse.”

“So are your words.”

They glared at each other, leaving the rest of the room watching them with an intense awkwardness that both wanted to see what was going to happen and look away in embarrassment. After a minute of silent glaring, Joseph huffed and looked like he wanted to cross his arms. “You’re fucking annoying.”

Finlay, like the rest of the room, could feel the tension diffusing with that admission. “Well, that’s how I’m going to make you love me.”

“That makes no sense.”

“Sure it does. I can’t say ‘that’s why you love me’ because you just like me. I’ll make you love me.”

“By being annoying.”

“No, by being what you need and saying what you need to hear.”

“Yup,” Vesela nodded, patting Finlay on the back. “Perfect.” She pointed at Joseph, “I told you to keep him wrapped around your finger, dumbass.” Joseph blushed so red that she wanted to laugh but she needed to keep her stern face on. Finlay was a keeper and she knew it so now she had to make sure Joseph would get over himself and stop denying it. “I’ll approve no other boyfriends except this one.”

Just like she hadn’t needed to see Finlay’s face to feel his annoyance, she didn’t need to look at him to feel his joy. Joseph rolled his eyes and muttered “Don’t make his damn ego any bigger. You’re making him smile like an idiot.”

“You like my smile. And that’s facts.” She wanted to laugh because even Joseph’s stubbornness couldn’t bring him to deny it. “See? You got nothing to say. I win this argument.”

“If you’re going to keep count,” Ivo laughed, leaning against the sink, “you’re going to get nowhere.”

“Who’s the kid?” Ivo asked once Finlay walked out. Here they were, the next day, and Vesela still couldn’t comprehend the fact that Ivo was here. Really, she wished he wasn’t and she felt horrible because of that. But Joseph was going to have it rough and she didn’t think having Ivo around was a good thing.

Especially because she was done with the ‘I’m straight’ schtick. If she had to throw Finlay on Joseph, she was going to. This was getting ridiculous. Joseph was gay and couldn’t admit it to himself all because of the bastard sitting next to her.

“Finlay. He did introduce himself.”

“No, I mean…like…are they something?”

Vesela knew what he was going for and deliberately ignored it. “Friends, obviously.” Obviously. She’d been so stupid to believe their lie. As if Joseph would just magically get himself a boyfriend all of the sudden. She planned on giving them both hell for it. “What would they be?”

Ivo sighed and set his chin in his palm. “I don’t know…something a little more? That’s two dozen roses, Vesela. That’s meaningful.”

“Why do you care? So you can tell him he’s going to hell? That he’s a nasty faggot?”

“Do you think that low of me?”

She couldn’t help it, Vesela laughed and it bugged Ivo. She liked that it bugged him. “You’re kidding, right? Ivo, why the hell are Joseph and I in this shithole exactly?”

“You guys picked this shithole.”

“As long as it was away from you, it didn’t matter where.”

Hurt reflected in his eyes. Looking away, he said softly “I already apologized to him and he accepted it. I didn’t know I had to apologize to you too.”

Apologized? What the hell? “What are you talking about?” As far as she knew, Joseph and Ivo hadn’t spoken since the beating but apparently, she knew nothing. “Ivo?”

“I apologized,” he repeated though he still wouldn’t meet her eyes. “I did two out of four. I’m going to do the third and fourth once he’s awake.”

She had no idea what he was going on about but he sure seemed sure of himself. If they in fact had spoken before…well, that was good. And kind of bad. It meant no matter what happened, Joseph was like Vesela and didn’t know how to stand firm against this man. But who’s fault was that? Hers, obviously. “Then…then I hope those two work out.”

Ivo finally met her eyes, looking more sure of himself than ever before as he nodded. “It will. If it’s still the requirement he wanted. I’m…I think I’m finally ready.” Vesela’s heart stopped beating because this couldn’t be what she thought it was. “I’ve…done a lot, lemme tell you, a lot of thinking, and…” he took a deep breath, “and if Joseph finds that a guy is what he needs then…I’m okay with that.” He nodded, looking down at the floor, “I’m okay with that.”

Joseph gave his father an odd look but his eyes darted back to Lacey, causing him to keep his thoughts to himself. Looking at Lacey, of course, brought his attention back to his arm. From half his hand all the way up to past his elbow, his arm was so brown it was practically black from charring. Patches of broken skin revealed deeper wounds, wet and waxy but yet somehow, dry and brittle as anything else. Raised ruined skin wrapped itself around his arm and Vesela knew from feeling them, even with gloves on, that they felt almost like leather roping itself around him.

It was going to be a long hard road but she’d get him through this if it killed her.

Past the severity of that burn was the rest of the burns, less severe but far more painful because the nerves weren’t damaged. Blisters gave his hand an almost diseased look, sickly yellow pockets of fluid everywhere but his fingers. There were blisters on his upper arm as well but these were fewer, the skin up there more of an angry red rather than a charred red-brown.

She’d get him through this.

“Tell me if you feel anything,” Lacey murmured as she slid a gloved finger down Joseph’s arm, watching him carefully. Joseph stayed silent but he shook his head. They hadn’t expected him to have feeling in his arm but it still caused her chest to tighten having the confirmation. “Move your fingers for me.” Joseph wiggled his fingers. “Good. Now nice and easy, bend your elbow.”

Running his bottom lip between his teeth as he stared at his arm, Joseph let out a slow but heavy sigh before trying to move his arm. It was mobile but as his skin healed, it’d tighten over the joint. She hadn’t had the chance to explain all this to him yet- “I can’t.”

Like hell he couldn’t. “You can.”

“It. Hurts.”

Vesela hated that she didn’t have the patience she would have wanted for when he first woke up but hers had run out on Ivo. “Joseph, if you don’t move that arm, they’re going to have to cut it off.”

Not entirely true but not entirely a lie either.

Finlay seemed a little skeptical but she could tell that he didn’t want to say anything just in case his skepticism was wrong. Ivo gave her a look before saying to Joseph “Just start slow. Bend in, then bend out.”

“What part of it hurts do you not get?” Now Ivo’s patience looked like it was running a little thin as he rolled his eyes. “Wow, haven’t missed that,” Joseph snorted, more or less pouting to the point where Vesela just wanted to slap him.

Yeah, she was horrible, she knew. Leave her be right now.

“It’s going to hurt all the way until you get moving again. It’s going to hurt after you get moving. It’s probably going to hurt all your life. But until the day comes where you become a cripple like Yulian, you cannot complain because at least you will have the privilege of moving as you please.”

Shame crossed Joseph’s face, his pout drooping and his fire dispersing. Using his good hand, he rubbed his leg as if thinking of his uncle before mumbling “Sorry.”

“Move your arm.”

With a deep sigh, Joseph looked at his arm before moving it so slow that a turtle was probably faster. But he moved it, bent it in, then out, no matter how slow. A few cries of pain escaped his chapped lips but he did a few reps of bending before setting it back down on the pillow. Looking at Lacey, he asked “Good?”

“Great, actually,” she replied with a nod. She began ever so carefully cleaning his arm as she continued. “We’ve been keeping your arm moving while you were unconscious but now that you’re awake, you’ll be able to do some exercises with the PT. He’ll probably want to get you up and moving too, just to make sure you keep the blood flowing.”

“He?” Joseph whispered, giving Vesela a darting glance.

They couldn’t avoid every single male personnel in the hospital and yet Vesela was going through so many hoops to make sure they did just that. “I’ll take care of it.”

“She’s one of the best,” Gwen called as she walked off, leaving Vesela with a folder that technically she shouldn’t have. But Gwen cared for Joseph just about as much as Vesela did so they were pulling all the stops to get him better.

For real, this time.

“One of the best, huh?” She read the papers as she walked back to Joseph’s room, nearly walking into the door before remembering that she did indeed need to open it.

“What’s that?” Ivo asked from where he was stretched out on the cot, reading a book. “Medical records?”

“A personnel file.”

“Pretty sure you’re not supposed to see those.”

“No,” she agreed, sitting down beside her husband’s side, “but I need the best and Gwen assured me she’s the best. I need to make sure.”

With a yawn and a stretch, Ivo closed his book and sat up, setting his chin on her shoulder. She tried not to think about how natural it felt or the fact that this was in fact a dead man. From her child’s brain. Did Ivo even know? “Therapist?”

“I’m not going to take his assurances anymore,” Vesela explained, flipping the paper over. “He’s not going to get out of his damn hole until he gets help. I’m being proactive about it this time. He’s going to be pissed but I don’t care.”

Ivo sneaked a hand around her and grabbed a loose sheet. She waited.

And waited a little more.

Finally, he whispered “I see…sexual assaults are her specialty.”

“Yup.”

“He’s not going to be happy.”

Nope. Joseph was going to have a fit. But she was used to his fits by now. She was done leaving his life in his hands. He needed help and she was going to shove it down his throat. “Technically, he’s not happy now anyways. This woman is going to get him to open up and he’s going to.”

“You realize we probably need to threaten him with something.”

Vesela had already thought about that one. “Oh, I know. I’m going to talk to Finlay and he’s going to deny Joseph all affectionate things.”

“That’s…harsh.”

“Joseph needs a little harshness right now. It sounds counterproductive but trust me on this one.”

Once Lacey was finished and gone, Vesela tapped her boy’s temple to get his attention. “Listen up, I’m going to speak and you’re not going to interrupt. Got it?”

Joseph eyed her warily. “I guess.”

“Starting tomorrow, besides for your physical therapist, you’ll also be having Dr. Cho coming in.” Joseph raised a brow but kept his mouth shut. “Dr. Cho is a therapist-”

“Aw, fuck no,” he cut in, shaking his head with such vehemence she was actually worried he’d get a headache. “Not happening.”

“Not your choice. She’s-”

“No.”

Finlay, who she hadn’t had the chance to talk to yet, set his hand on Joseph’s and said “I think it’s a good idea.”

“I think you’re an idiot.”

“Likewise. It’ll be good for you, Joseph.”

“No.” Joseph shot daggers from Finlay to her, his eyes furious. “Not happening.”

“Dr. Cho is the best in this hospital for all things mental health-”

“No.”

“-and assault.”

Joseph stopped breathing, his eyes going wide.

“She’s going to be one of your lifelines, sweetheart. You’ve got me, you’ve got your bashtá, and you’ve got Finlay. Adding one more is a good thing.” Putting her hand on top of the boys’ intertwined ones, she said softly “Joseph, baby, I’m getting you out of this hole if it kills me. You’re going to get better, you’re going to finish school, you’re going to become that engineering veterinarian that you always wanted, and you’re going to have a beautiful life. And give me some grandkids.” That earned her the tiniest smile; a little twitch of the lips. “You can get those things but you can get them better with some help. You need help, sweetheart.”

He looked angry, frustrated, but even then, he looked like he was thinking, his eyes darting between her and Finlay. They even found their way over to Ivo, considering them each with a careful gaze. “What if…” he trailed, his voice so low that they all leaned in to listen, “what if I don’t know how to get better? What if I do a bad job? Or I get better but then I fail again? Or-”

“Hey,” she whispered, carefully cupping his face so he couldn’t turn away, “don’t tear yourself down before we even try. It’s going to be hard, it’s going to hurt, it’s going to make you angry and upset and sad and every other emotion that exists, and it could very well take a long time. But that’s not failure, Joseph, that’s progress. It’s going from crawling to walking and even if you fall, that’s okay because we’re all going to help you get back up.”

Joseph was scared, she could see it all over his face. His eyes were wide, vulnerable and full of tears, as he gnawed on his lip. He was afraid to try, yeah, but she knew he was more afraid that he’d fail. That he’d disappoint. “What if…what if I fall a lot?”

“Then we pick you up every time.”

“Even if I punch you while you’re picking me up?”

Vesela laughed, pressing a kiss to the uninjured side of his head. “Yes.”

“Well, what if I don’t like this Dr. Cho?”

“Then we find you someone else.”

“What if I…” he looked like he was wracking his brain for something, “what if…I’m…I’m…,” Joseph bit down on his lip and flicked a quick glance at Finlay, “what if I’m…not ready to…to talk about…um…y’know…”

That was the first and most admittance she’d ever gotten about his rape. It hurt but it also made her smile. He was admitting it. He was admitting it and it was the first proof that she needed to finally be sure that maybe…maybe he was finally ready. She didn’t know if it was because Ivo had come or because Finlay was in love with him or even because she was clean but something had made Joseph curious enough to want to try.

They’d just have to keep him curious now.

No pressure.

Chapter Text

“Okay, but what if I don’t like this Cho lady?”

Four hours later and they were still where they were.

Ivo had to hand it to Joseph, under all that anger, cursing, growing up, tattoos, and, yes, piercings, he was still exactly the same kid. A little squinting was required but his brat was in fact still his brat.

Who would’ve thought.

At least he looked mildly decent without the jewelry in. Ivo wasn’t excited for the day that Joseph would put them back in.

Vesela, who looked like she was about ready to murder Joseph any second now, sighed while turning the page of her magazine. “Then we’ll find another-”

“Well, what if I don’t like the next one either?”

“Then we try yet another and another and another.”

Joseph stared at his mother, mouth twisting in thought. He was probably wondering just how hard to push her. “Okay, but-”

“Joseph.”

He dampened just a bit, his finger playing with the edge of his new blanket. “But, mayko, what if I really don’t like her? Like seriously.”

She flipped another page, not even sparing Joseph and his pouting the tiniest of glances. His wife had hardened over the years and Ivo wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. He was surprised by how tough she was being on Joseph at such a vital time.

But maybe that was what he needed?

“You have to give her week.”

“A week? The fuck? I can tell within the first fucking five minutes if she’s a bitch or not. Why do I have to wait a week?”

His kid’s attitude bothered him a lot.

Attempting to cross his arms but changing his mind, Joseph added with a grumble “Anyways, I’m an adult. Why do you get to make these choices?”

“You’ve been an adult all of a month,” Vesela snorted, crossing one leg atop the other and flipping another page. “Doesn’t seem like you’re doing much of a good job at it.”

“Low.”

Shutting her magazine and tossing it onto Ivo where they sat side by side on the cot, Vesela crossed her arms while looking particularly stern. “You have to give the therapist a week.” Joseph opened his mouth but she cut him off before he had the chance. “And if you don’t, no more Finlay.”

Joseph looked taken aback with confusion written all over. Him biting his lip was the only thing that showed that he was bothered by this. “What’s that supposed to mean.”

“It means you give this therapist a good chance or no. Finlay. He can still come every day but he sits like a friend. No hand holding, no smiles, no sweet talking, no flowers, no Beanie babies. Nothing past friends. You can’t have a healthy relationship with him anyways until you get out of your hole.”

Ivo wanted to laugh at the disturbed look on Joseph. His son did seem to have feelings for Finlay but Ivo didn’t think they were anything near what Finlay felt for Joseph. But then, he had no doubt that those feelings could easily grow. “Who says you get to decide that?”

Vesela tilted her chin up in challenge. “You want Finlay? You have to earn him.”

“That’s not fair. You can’t decide that.”

“I can and I will and I did.” She picked up her magazine once more, returning to her reading. “Finlay wants to give you his all and he deserves for you to do the same. You can’t when you don’t want to help yourself by getting help. I won’t let you drag him along for your suicide ride.”

“Rude.”

“I don’t care.”

“You’re being mean. I thought you wanted me with a boy?”

“Your manipulation technique sucks when you’re half dead.”

Joseph’s pouting lip dropped so low that it was like his lips had doubled in size. “But…” his gaze drifted down to his blanket, his hand rubbing along the soft yarn “but I want Finlay.”

“Why only a two hour relationship?”

Finlay glanced across the bed from the evil chair of death to where Ivo was stretched out on the cot. Like the rest of them, he was waiting eagerly for Joseph to wake up properly. He’d sit there quietly watching Joseph or talk to Vesela.

He never seemed to want to talk to Ivo.

“You ask a lot of questions.”

“I’m a curious person.”

“No, you’re nosy.”

“Same shit.”

With a sigh as he slid deeper into the uncomfortable chair, Finlay said “Can I ask you something?” Ivo shrugged where he lay and somehow, Finlay actually caught it. “Do you regret it?”

This kid was a sharp one who knew how to dig. Maybe that was how he managed to get on with Joseph so well. Or, that’s what Ivo assumed. He hadn’t seen their interactions but Finlay kind of reminded him of Emilio. No one dug like Emilio. “Regret what.”

“We’ll get through this faster without you playing stupid.”

Ivo stared up at the ceiling. It was an ugly ceiling. “My father was a horrible man. He didn’t like me, I don’t know why, but he never did. Or I don’t think he did. His actions sure showed how he felt. I always swore that when I became a dad, I was going to be everything mine wasn’t.”

“You done fucked up, man.”

“Yeah,” Ivo laughed, tapping his fingers on his chest. “I done fucked up. Trust me, I know. But I never hated Joseph and…I like to think I was decent on a good day. We got along when I finally woke the fuck up. We were close.”

The heat of Finlay’s piercing eyes was hot as hell. “And you threw that all away for something so stupid?”

“Four years ago, I wouldn’t have thought of it as stupid. Three years ago. Two. One even.” Ivo laughed again. Here they were, Joseph on yet another suicide attempt. Because of him. “Then Vesela calls and says her son tried to kill himself again. Hers. Not mine apparently. By burning himself to death. Police labeled it a firework accident but we both knew exactly what it was.”

Hers. Like Ivo was just nothing and she was only giving him a courtesy call so he couldn’t angry if he heard it from someone else later.

Massaging his temples, he said softly “I sat on the floor, right in the middle of my empty house that I hated because I was alone, and realized that if I just kept sitting around, nothing was going to stop him from trying again and again until he was finally was successful. A father shouldn’t live longer than their child.”

Not that Ivo was even alive.

“So you came here.”

“I came and I’m pretty sure my wife wishes I hadn’t. But I need to say some things that I should’ve said in the beginning. I need to say some things that might give my son a shot at having a future. A life. It might be too late but I’m not going to be my father. I’m not going to die and have my son curse my name or have my son die cursing mine.”

“Well then he’s the perfect motivator.” Vesela yawned and stretched, nearly knocking out Ivo’s teeth in the process. “Give the doctor a proper chance and nothing has to change. But you have to give her a good honest to God try. You deserve to give yourself that.”

Still rubbing his blanket, Joseph sighed, setting his chin in his palm as he stared at his covered feet, wiggling the toes on his burned foot. He sighed again and glanced at his burned arm before sighing once more. “How long do I have to stay?”

“Probably another week or two,” Vesela murmured, intrigued by whatever she was reading. “You have surgery scheduled in a couple days and that takes about a week of healing here.”

Why was this the first he’d heard of it? “You didn’t tell me he has surgery coming up. For what?”

“Skin grafts for his arm and the larger patches on his ribs.”

Ivo found it funny how he really didn’t want them to fight in front of Joseph but his burning annoyance made him ask. “Okay and…were you planning on telling me?”

Joseph was watching them closely, eyes flicking from one parent to the other as Vesela answered “Well, you would’ve found out in a couple days.”

Unbelievable. She hadn’t even planned on telling him at all. What, was he just a pile of shit here or something? “Did you tell Nikol about it?”

“Is that your reply every time-”

“Yeah, it fucking is because you tell your sister more about my son than you tell me.”

Completely unfazed, Vesela drew up a knee and rested her chin on it, continuing her reading like she wasn’t even going to waste her full attention on Ivo. “That’s funny, I thought you didn’t want him anymore. He’s gay, remember? You don’t like gays.”

Was she serious right now? In front of Joseph too. As if Ivo wasn’t standing on shaky enough ground as it was, no, she had to make it worse. Grinding his jaw, he ground out “I think we should talk outside.”

“I have nothing to-”

“Can I go to the bathroom?”

Ivo glanced over at Joseph sitting in his bed, looking like the child of years before, always knowing when to interrupt because he didn’t want to hear the anger. “You’re still hooked up to a catheter.”

“Well, can you call them to take them out? I can walk, can’t I? And I feel gross. Can’t I get clean a bit?”

Vesela got up like nothing had even happened and pressed a soft kiss to Joseph’s cheek. “I’ll go talk to the nurse for you. Be right back.”

“You probably can only sponge bath,” Ivo said in the silence after Vesela walked out, probably wishing she could slam a door in his face.

“Why’s she so mad at you?”

He wasn’t sure if it was funny or sad how clueless the pair of them were. Setting his face in his palms, Ivo sighed, rubbing his eyes. His head had been killing him for the past couple weeks and nothing ever seemed to help the pain. It was driving him insane. “I’ve no idea. I don’t think she wants me here.”

Joseph said nothing and that didn’t exactly make Ivo feel any better. But he wasn’t going to leave until he said what needed to be said. It just wasn’t the right time yet. Joseph had only just awakened and Ivo wanted him to be able to take in the words and make a choice with full brain cells.

They sat in silence for so long that when Joseph spoke in quiet words, it sounded as loud as a siren. “That’s not her business. I want you here.”

Ivo’s heart wasn’t able to dance in glee like it wanted to because he didn’t believe a word. Why would Joseph want him here? “Yeah,” he couldn’t help but snort, “sure you do.”

“I do. It means a lot that you came.”

“Does it.”

“Yeah,” Joseph practically whispered, “because it means you can look at me without being disgusted.”

Ivo laughed into his hands. “You’re not disgusting. I’m the disgusting one. Seeing how much Finlay dotes on you…I can’t believe I was ignorant enough to…” He sighed heavily into his hands, tired, so fucking tired of everything… “I’m so sorry, brat.”

“I already accepted your apology. And…I think that you coming here means that you…maybe…maybe you want to…talk about that other thing…?”

There was so much hope in Joseph’s voice. So much and Ivo felt like the worst person in the whole world. Thank God he was already dead because he didn’t deserve to live. “I do actually,” he said, not feeling as confident as he wished he did as he raised his head and looked at his hopeful child. “I want to and I had this whole speech thing planned but I forgot it the minute I saw your face.” Joseph smiled, his eyes watering but Ivo felt like it was happy tears.

Hopeful tears.

“But…I…” Ivo took a deep breath and got up, taking Joseph’s hand in his. “I’d prefer to crouch so we’re on eye level but…”

“Your knee.”

“Yeah. But, I…I hope that me giving my blessings to you and Finlay is as good as a speech.”

Biting his lip as he searched Ivo’s face, Joseph replied “It’s actually even better. And if you…um…” he blushed and looked away, not finishing his sentence but Ivo already knew what it was.

Forcing himself down onto his knees despite the screeching of his nerves, he said softly “Joseph Kavinsky, you’re gay and that’s a beautiful thing.” Joseph’s hand tightened on Ivo’s, shaking along with the rest of him. Ivo stood and pulled his crying son into a soft hug in case of his injuries and kissed the top of his head. “I am so fucking sorry for making us come to this point. So. Sorry. And I know that we’re not just going to magically fall back into place together but…I hope you’ll at least give me a good chance.”

A hiccup escaped Joseph’s lips as he pressed his face into Ivo’s chest, clutching him tight with his left arm. They stayed that way for a long while; Ivo pressing kisses on hair that needed a wash and Joseph crying into a shirt that now also needed a wash. He wasn’t sure how long he should keep this moment sacred but when Joseph’s sobs become little sniffles, Ivo whispered “I can totally do gay jokes now. I’ve been practicing.” Joseph laughed, hugging Ivo harder. “I have. And the other day, I passed this gay couple in Manhattan and the first thing I thought was that they matched.”

It’d shocked Ivo, his initial thought at seeing them. Not long before that, his first thought would’ve been how happy he’d be when they were burning in hell. If that wasn’t progress, then nothing else was.

“I think you and Finlay might match well. Maybe. I’m still kind of getting a feel for him. He doesn’t like me and I don’t blame him but still. He’s gotta make an effort too. Also, that Asian kid, Jiang was it?” Joseph nodded into his chest, “Jiang is…he’s weird. You noticed?”

Joseph laughed and looked up at Ivo, wiping his puffy face with his good hand. “I made him do a dare before he could hang out with me and a couple other guys and sadly, he did it.” He laughed again, wiping his nose in the collar of his gown before using tissues Ivo tossed at him. “He streaked fully naked about two miles back and forth. In the winter. Stopped and ate pizza too.”

“Weird’s an understatement then,” Ivo muttered as he plopped down onto the cot. Joseph smiled at him but it wasn’t the smiles he used to get. It was those ones from years ago, when Joseph hadn’t known how to deal with Ivo. When he was little and afraid. “You think…you can give me a second shot?”

“I mean, I did kill you so…” Joseph shrugged, one shouldered, but shrugged, “only fair. And you met my requirements too. You even practiced gay jokes.”

Ivo tried not to think about how freaky it was to just be so casually talking about him being dead. “I did. Asen kept looking at me like I was insane every time I made one. He was the only one I practiced on. I even started deliberately saying sexual innuendo just to see if he’d joke back to see how I’d take ‘em.”

With a look that said ‘dear father, you’re insane,’ Joseph said “Could you give me an example.”

Trying not to be embarrassed about it, Ivo shrugged and looked away. As if. “They’re…really stupid.”

“Trust me, I’ve heard worse. You have no idea what the guys are like.”

A sudden memory popped into his head and Ivo couldn’t be happier because it made Asen look like an idiot instead. Like…a severe idiot. They were so lucky no one had walked in. So fucking lucky. “One time, it was me and Asen in meeting room and it’d been one hell of a day and I was tired and frustrated from a billion things, right?” Joseph nodded, looking eager as fuck. “So I hand Asen a folder and tell him to make a copy of the papers…”

“…and then have your father look over them for me,” Ivo said before a huge yawn overtook him.

“Sure thing,” Asen replied, getting to his feet, folder in hand. He paused and then crouched down beside where Ivo sat. Ivo raised a brow but said nothing, seeing where exactly this was supposed to go. Resting his hand on Ivo’s knee, Asen rubbed it up his thigh, pausing at the very top. Ivo expected his skin to crawl and yet all he wanted to do was laugh.

He was pretty sure he’d come a long way from where he’d began.

“Are you sure that’s all you need?” Asen asked with a sultry smile that Ivo had a feeling was reserved for his wife. “You’ve had a really rough day today, sir.”

Ivo covered his face, his head resting on the back of his chair, as he tried not to laugh and give Asen that satisfaction. The hand worked its way back to his knee and gave it a squeeze. “I bet Sir has a lot of pent up feelings right now that he’d love to…release.”

Completely incapable of holding back his laughter anymore, Ivo burst into a huge ugly snort that descended into a harsh fit of laughter. His throat ached and his face was so hot that he was sure he was dying. His laughter caused Asen to lose his own cool as he fell back onto his ass, laughing into the file.

It took them what felt like hours to stop being idiots. “I think your seduction technique needs work,” Ivo snorted, wiping his eyes from the tears that had worked their way out. “Jesus Christ. Get up, dumbass.”

Joseph was stuck in a fit of laughter, only having one hand to cover his cherry red face. “No one said you had to gay yourself!”

“If I’m comfortable with that, it means that should I walk into something a father shouldn’t see, then we just laugh about it. Simple.”

“Jesus,” Joseph snorted, wiping his face that was a puffy mess. But it glowed with happiness and that meant everything to Ivo. “It’s an abuse of power to make Asen do these things, you know.”

“I didn’t tell him to do that!” Ivo exclaimed because he’d been shocked as fuck. Shocked but he’d laughed. “He took initiative. Apparently.”

Biting the corner of his lip, Joseph ran his eyes over Ivo before smiling. “Thank you for coming. We…we’ve got a long way to go but…I’m happy we can start somewhere. Really really happy.”

Getting back up, he pulled Joseph back into his arms and murmured into his hair “Thank you for giving me a chance. I’m happy too.” Joseph looped his arm around Ivo’s middle, breathing in and out a deep sigh as he pressed into his chest. “Really happy.”

“I’m taking leave for a month or two. Until I come back, Yulian’s in charge. I’m still reachable by phone and will run that way but I won’t be here.”

His advisers stared at him as though he was some freak they’d never seen before. He didn’t blame them. Lubomir who was getting frailer by the minute cleared his throat before asking “I hope all is well?”

Stuffing his hands into the pockets of his black jeans because he was plain old casual today for an ugly plane trip even if it was a short one, Ivo replied “Actually, no. I’m going to go stop my suicidal son from frequently trying to kill himself.”

Everyone’s eyes went wide and Ivo didn’t know if it was because he’d just confessed a family truth or because he had a suicidal son. Probably both. Yulian was the most shocked out of anyone, probably only because Ivo was actually going to that hick town where Vesela and Joseph lived.

Looking to Yulian, he said “I have no worries in you running in my stead but should you need something, just call.” Gazing to the men in the room, he added “That goes for all of you. I’ll accept calls of question but not calls questioning a choice Lord Simeonov makes. He says take the damn dog for a walk, then take the damn fucking dog. His word is mine. Don’t give him trouble for it.”

Asen raised a hand. “We don’t have a dog, my lord.”

“Funny.” Asen shrugged, his face straight but years from knowing this man helped Ivo see the pride and happiness in his eyes. It was like all those stupid gay jokes suddenly made sense to him. Like he knew that Ivo planned on making things right. Ivo focused back on the room. “Questions? Comments? Concerns? Speak now because I have a plane to catch.”

The men glanced between themselves before Petar seemed to be the one with nerves to ask. “What if one should feel that a choice Lord-”

“Anything Lord Simeonov says, goes. When I’m dead,” no mind that he already was, “he’s going to be taking over. Start respecting him now. Make a habit of it.” Ivo watched each man’s face carefully. “Questions that aren’t pointless?”

“I hope your son is well and to hear good news about him,” Lubomir said, not meeting Ivo’s eyes. Nothing had ever stopped this man from meeting his eyes but it seemed Joseph was enough. “He’s a fine young man who deserves the best.”

“The absolute best,” Ivo murmured into Joseph’s hair. “The best, brat.”

Chapter Text

Two minutes in, Joseph was officially decided that he didn’t like Dr. Cho.

Just like that.

But he had to give her a week whether he liked it or not.

Ridiculous.

“Aren’t you supposed to ask how I’m feeling today or something?”

“I could,” the small stout woman laughed from where she had moved the uncomfortable chair to the foot of his bed. He had a feeling she wanted them to be face to face. “But that’s pretty lame, don’t you think?”

Joseph scratched at his head, wishing he could just wash his hair. What if he just buzzed it? He’d never done that but his hair was fucked anyways because of them shaving a patch on the side. Not to mention the singeing that had occurred. “I mean, yeah, but you’re a therapist. They’re lame.”

Dr. Cho crossed a leg over the other, her notebook resting closed atop them. “Have you ever had a therapist?”

“Well…no but…I watch movies.” That sounded about as lame as it’d sounded in his head. Biting on his lip, Joseph ran his eyes over her and asked “So…when do we start? Aren’t we on a clock?”

“We’ve started.”

“Oh.” Joseph was confused as fuck. This woman was supposed to be the best? She didn’t seem like much. “So…” With a shrug, she smiled at him. “Did my parents talk to you about anything?” He needed to get a feel for how much ground she had on him but Dr. Cho shook her head to the negative. “They had to tell you something.”

Uncrossing her legs, she clasped her hands together and set them on her notebook. “All I know is that your name is Joseph, you’re from New Jersey, you’re an only child, and life’s been a little rough on you.”

“They told you life’s been rough with me.”

“No,” she laughed, and if Joseph was going to like her for anything, it was that laugh, “that life’s been rough on you.”

He was so not going to give her the win of a smile from him. Scratching at his neck, Joseph raised a brow and asked “Why exactly should I trust you? Like you? Confide in you?”

“Do you like games?”

Joseph shrugged, “I guess.”

Dr. Cho pushed up her glasses into her hair. “Twenty questions. You ask first. We’ll take turns.”

Movies couldn’t be an accurate representation of therapy sessions because movies always stretched some shit but he didn’t think they were this far off. This woman couldn’t possibly be the best. “Okay…” he mulled over what he wanted to ask, “why’d you become a therapist? Specifically, one that focuses on mental health.”

“And assault.”

“And assault,” he added, far less confident from just the words. He’d practically admitted to his mother that he’d been raped and it’d left an ill feeling in his stomach up until now. He had no idea how he was going to manage to eat his large ass meals with a queasy stomach.

“That’s a good question. And I have a good answer. Or, rather, what I’ve always considered a good answer.” She crossed her legs again only to uncross them once more while making a face. “This chair is terrible.”

Joseph tried to stop his smile but it worked its way past his defenses. “We call it the evil chair.”

“Appropriate,” she grumbled before getting up and sitting on the cot. “Is this fine?” Joseph nodded. “Alright, so, why am I therapist. I am a therapist because of my brother. He’s older than me, or he would be, if he was still alive. He-”

“Killed himself.”

Dr. Cho nodded, not looking particularly disturbed. “I was twelve, he was sixteen. I found him. Now, you’re probably thinking that it could be anyone’s reason, right? We all do things for family. I blame my parents for his death. Still do. He was having a tough time and no one wanted to look a little closer. They just say ‘oh, he’s a teenager’ or ‘it’s the hormonal changes’ or even ‘its just how boys are.’”

He didn’t like her yet, but he was intrigued. “Was it more than that?”

“I think it was. Obviously, I was only twelve at the time but once I started studying psychology and mental health, I started digging. Thinking about what I saw in my brother and what I was reading. I’ll never know if I’m right but I have a good feeling. I specialize in working with teens because I don’t want anyone being pushed to the side just because of such stupid beliefs.”

Working his lip between his teeth, Joseph murmured “Do you know why he killed himself?”

“Nope and I never will. My family doesn’t even bring him up anymore. Shameful, they whisper.” She laughed, and Joseph knew the wounds had to be old because she had such an easy time talking about them. “As if him suffering was shameful. No one should ever be ashamed of hurting. No one should ever be ashamed for feeling a little different than everyone else. Like maybe the world feels a bit heavier for them than others.”

Joseph averted his gaze. His world felt heavier than everyone else’s and he’d always felt to ashamed to talk about it. Like he was a failure. Like he was pathetic because he made a big deal over things that other people thought were nothing. “You…you think something is wrong with me.”

“Do you think something is wrong with you?”

Besides for him being a complete mess? “Dunno,” he said with a shrug, hoping that she believed his nonchalance. “Maybe I just like trying to kill myself.”

“How many times have you tried?”

“Isn’t it my turn for a question?”

“You asked me two.”

Fuck. “Fine. I play fair.”

Dr. Cho laughed and he officially like that laugh. Officially. It made her small nose scrunch even smaller and her large smile grow even bigger. He liked it. “So?”

“I guess this is…four? Five maybe?” He counted on his fingers, “Let’s see…pills, knife, technically gun but my friend stopped me, and now fireworks. Also, knife when I was eight but I don’t know if that counts because I don’t think I really understood what I was doing.” Joseph waited for her to write all that down but she didn’t. “Aren’t you going to write that?”

“Do you want me to?”

Fuck, he was so confused by this woman. They were interrupted by a knock and a nurse stuck her head in. “Lunch!”

“She makes it sound exciting,” he muttered to himself as the nurse pushed her cart in. Yesterday, it had taken him a couple hours to finish his lunch and dinner. They were adamant that he ate everything because it was vital to his recovery and the body’s ability to rebuild after the burns but no one wanted to listen when he said he’s never eaten this much in his entire life. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” the nurse replied, pushing the table over his bed and setting his tray on it. “Finish everything.”

“Joy.”

“Not a fan of the food?” Dr. Cho asked once the nurse was gone. “And our game is on pause. This question doesn’t count.”

With a sigh as he took the cover off his plate to reveal a chicken breast over fettucine with a random ass bit of black beans, Joseph glared at his plate as he dumped his powdered vitamin supplements into his lemonade and stirred. It sucked when you were forced to eat but it sucked even more when meals had to be so specific where you didn’t really get choices. He had a certain number of calories he had to consume, a certain percentage of proteins, carbs, fats, vitamins, and minerals. “The food’s actually okay it’s just…” Joseph sighed as he picked up his fork, “it’s a lot of food.”

“And you have to eat it all.”

“Yeah,” Joseph grumbled, spinning his fork to fill it with pasta. “I should be happy it at least tastes good.” Grabbing a straw, he unwrapped it and stuck it through the lid of his little lemonade cup. “I’d love some home food. Now that, I can eat.” He pointed his fork at her, “You ever had Bulgarian food?” Dr. Cho shook her head. “Course not. People never understand what they’re missing out on.” He scooped up some beans, “It’s the best food in all existence next to cheesecake.”

“I’m not a fan of cheesecake.”

Joseph’s fork froze to his mouth as he slowly turned his head to glare at her with narrowed eyes. “I’m sorry but we can’t associate anymore. Anyone who hangs with me has to like cheesecake. It’s a sacred rule.”

“Really? Well, I supposed I can try again. Mine was previously frozen when I tried it, you think that’s a problem?”

Taking another sip of lemonade on vitamin steroids, Joseph opened the little thing of butter and began spreading it on the provided bread. The bread was eh but for some reason, all he wanted was bread to the point where his parents made a rule where he wasn’t allowed to eat the bread first. One would think that it didn’t matter what he ate first but apparently it did. “Maybe. Depends on the brand. You ever been to New York?” Dr. Cho shook her head. “It’s against my principles to appreciate things from that stupid state but they make the best damn cheesecake in existence.”

Amusement was glowing in her eyes but other than that, she was great with straight faces. “Why stupid? Everyone always wants to go there. I hear it’s amazing.”

“Amazingly stupid.”

“What do you like about New Jersey?”

Spinning pasta on his fork, Joseph considered this. Why did he loved his state so much? “I guess…it’s not so much about the state, maybe. I love it and it’s beautiful – mostly – but…Jersey is me. It’s family. It’s home.” He nodded absently, still spinning his pasta. “It can be loud sometimes, the city, but then you go out at night and just…the lights, the quiet…it’s beautiful. Calming. You can go to the edge of the Hudson and find peace. Looking up at the stars and listening to the river.”

“Did you do that a lot when you needed quiet?”

He set down his fork now laced with a mountain of pasta and rested his head back into his pillow to stare up at the ceiling. “No. I could only go with one of my parents. They worry.”

“Do you think they worry too much about things?”

“Well, I’m the type of son that would make a parent worry. I don’t blame them.”

“Do you blame them for other things?”

Did he? Kind of. Joseph absently ran his finger along Isha’s blanket, lost in thought. He blamed them for things but he could hardly blame them for everything when it was mainly Joseph’s fault in the first place. Really, there was only one thing he could blame them for that was solely on them. “I blame them for making me believe I’m disgusting. Not that they’re wrong because my life has easily proved that.”

There was the noise of something shuffling but he payed it no mind. “What is it that makes you disgusting, do you think? That life kept reminding you about?”

Joseph stayed silent, still staring up at the ugly ass ceiling. Hearing his father tell him that he was gay and beautiful meant everything but being beautiful didn’t mean that you weren’t disgusting. He was still tainted. Dirty. Unstable. A grand fucking mess.

Queen? He was no fucking queen. Queens were regal and beautiful and had their shit together. How could Finlay mix that up and see a queen in Joseph? Why did he even love him?

“Joseph? You still with me?”

“I want to be alone,” he whispered, wishing he could turn his face to the side to put more distance between them.

What was there worth loving about him?

“Okay,” Dr. Cho replied, and her tone was nothing if not usual. It wasn’t softer, it wasn’t careful, and it wasn’t considering. It was the same tone of voice that had laughed about cheesecake. Joseph appreciated that more than anything else right now. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Enjoy your food.”

He didn’t give her a goodbye, he didn’t even bother looking at her, as she walked out, the room suddenly becoming just him and his thoughts. Him and his thoughts.

Joseph and his thoughts. And the food that was trying to tantalize him with the smell but instead, all it did was churn his stomach to something more ill than it’d already been. He wanted a shower. He didn’t know why but he wanted a shower and he wanted to feel clean and he wanted Finlay even though he shouldn’t. Joseph liked the thought of being his queen. He wanted to be a queen and have someone else carry the weight of the world with him.

But what exactly made him even entertain the thought that he deserved such a thing?

The food was making his stomach worse, the nausea building into something forceful, ready to explode. He didn’t want to eat. He didn’t want to eat this food and he didn’t want to so he didn’t have to. Why did he have to? Why did he have to listen all the time? Joseph was tired of listening. He was done listening.

Glaring down at the food that looked barely even touched, Joseph grabbed his bread and threw it across the miniscule room, testing how it felt. The buttered bread landed with an unsatisfying plop and it pissed him off even more than he already was. Yanking up his lemonade, he tossed that against the wall too but still felt like the noise wasn’t right. Joseph glared at his pasta and chicken before grabbing the plate and flinging it as hard as he could against the wall. It’d have been more satisfying if it’d been glass but the noise of the plastic hitting the wall and then the floor along with the splattering of pasta, chicken, and beans everywhere was nice.

Nicer than the bread.

Flinging pasta had caused a mess on him, long fettucine noodles drooping themselves on his legs with sauce and black beans decorating Isha’s blanket like a Polluck painting.

Isha’s blanket.

“Fuck!” he snapped, shoving the roller table away and pulling the blanket up to toss off noodles. It was dirty. It was dirty and it was ruined because he was ruined. He knew he hadn’t deserved this, he knew it, and no one had bothered to listen. Joseph had ruined such hard beautiful work in just a day. “How…” he whispered, trying to smudge away the sauce spots, “how to get this off…”

Water. Water? What if water was bad for the yarn? He hadn’t gotten washing instructions with this. But…blankets typically needed water to get clean. “Okay, so…” Joseph glanced around himself, thankful that he only had a couple tubes left in him. Technically, he wasn’t supposed to be getting up on his own but he needed to get to the sink. Nothing was going to stop him from fixing this. Isha hadn’t taken hours upon end to make this for him just for it to get ruined in a hissy fit.

Struggling to sit up properly, he clutched the blanket to his chest as he slowly swung his legs to the side of the bed and set them on the floor. His right ached something fierce but he’d been in more pain before and he wasn’t going to let it stop him. Biting his lip as he fixed his multiple IV bags onto the pole, Joseph rolled it as close to himself as possible before bracing himself on his bed and carefully sliding off.

“Fuck,” he whimpered, cringing with the one step he managed to take. Walking on his foot hurt and it made the rest of his burns throb like they were aware that he was making their brother do something that shouldn’t be done. Joseph clutched the blanket tighter to him as he took another step, whimpering as he did. “Pathetic,” Joseph cried, holding his blanket as close as he could as he and his IV stand went along at a speed slower than a tortoise.

It hurt. It hurt so bad that every nerve in his body was screaming at him to stop.

Shit.

The pain on his stomach was actually his bladder talking.

Okay, well, he’d been dragging himself to the bathroom anyways. Just a few more steps. “I can do this,” Joseph whispered, pain and urinary needs strangling his voice. He took another step, needing just a few more to get to that closed door. “Easy peasy.”

His bladder was screaming in pain along with every inch of his body. Joseph didn’t understand how he only now realized that he needed to go so bad. He needed to go and he needed to wash this to earn forgiveness for being a mess. He made to take another step but the minute he put his right foot down, pain shot through it like he’d stepped on a knife, dropping him to the floor like he had in fact stepped on one. The problem wouldn’t have been too bad if he hadn’t tried to stop himself with his wrecked arm.

Because the minute he reached out to catch himself on his bed with his right arm, it felt like he’d just ripped the entire thing off. Like his skin, the patches of black and red, tore from each other, the tightness being replaced by angry fire, as he screamed and fell to the floor, landing in a puddle.

A puddle?

Chapter Text

He sat there, in his own damn piss, crying into his ruined blanket while clutching his screaming arm and wishing he wasn’t such a mess. In the matter of a few minutes, Joseph had ruined such a beautiful gift, covering it in pasta, beans, and pee.

All it took was a few minutes to remind Joseph of how much of a mess he truly was. He may have survived his fourth attempt, but it didn’t mean anything had changed in his life.

There was a knock but Joseph ignored it, focusing only on how fucked he was, sitting there and crying in his own puddle of pee like he was two.

Pathetic.

“Joseph, do you- what the fuck?” He felt like someone was crouching beside him and the voice was telling him that it was his father.

It only made him cry harder. To have his father see him like this, a man who prided himself on so many things, to have a son like this…what if Joseph became disgusting all over again? What if seeing him like this would make his father change his mind?

A careful hand ran itself through his ruined hair. “Hey, brat,” came a soft voice, “could you not make it to the bathroom?” The words just made him cry all the more harder, serving simply as a reminder of his inability to even do the simplest of tasks. “I’m sorry, I just went to the café, I didn’t know the doctor had left already.”

Look at that, he couldn’t even allow the man to eat, for fuck’s sake.

The hand rubbed through his hair again and all it did was make him think of how Finlay did it for him except Finlay would be disgusted to even get near a guy who pissed on himself. “Hey, it’s okay-”

Joseph blocked out anything else that was said after that. Okay? How was this okay? This was ridiculously pathetic. Babies and fucking old people pissed on themselves, not teens. He was ashamed and felt dirtier than he ever had. Dirtier even than when Jordan had…

He felt so dirty.

Through his blanket and tears, Joseph said “You shouldn’t touch something so dirty.”

“You think I care about a puddle of piss? Although, we are definitely talking about throwing food because that’s wasteful. But after, not now.” Arms looped under his shoulders, ready to pull him off the floor but Joseph shook his head vehemently, pushing his father away. “Joseph, really, it’s okay-”

“I’m nasty, don’t touch me. Please don’t. Please, please, please.”

The last thing he wanted was to taint this strong man with his filth.

“Brat, look at me.” Joseph shook his head once more and with every shake, it throbbed more, ready to blow. He just wanted a needle to pop the balloon or something. “Joseph.” His father tried to pull the blanket from his face but Joseph held on tight until he gave up. “Okay, don’t look but at least listen. We’re going to go the bathroom, okay?” Joseph neither moved nor said anything beyond his crying. “We’re going to go and I’m going to help you wash up-”

Why did he not understand? “But I’m dirty.”

Silence followed and Joseph didn’t care to analyze it as he sat there, content in his pee and mess of a being. After a time, however, it was broken as that same hand went back to his hair. “We should wash your blanket though, don’t you think?” Joseph paused his thoughts, biting his lip and blinking his bleary eyes open, listening carefully. “It’s such a beautiful blanket, huh? We should clean it. What do you think?”

His blanket. His blanket needed cleaning. Joseph had gotten up to clean his precious gift. “I don’t know how to clean it.”

“That’s okay,” his father murmured, once more bracing his arms under Joseph’s shoulders except somehow, he was suddenly behind him. “We’ll do it together. Will you let me help with something so important? I’d like to make it clean with you.”

He owed Isha that much. It had to be cleaned. It had to be cleaned and cared for. His father was always good at making things clean. Fixing them. “Okay.”

“Okay,” his father repeated, sounding particularly happy as he got Joseph to his feet. “Who would’ve thought the day would come where you’d get so tall, huh? I think you’re taller than me. What the fuck, right?”

Nodding numbly while clutching the soiled blanket tight to his soiled gown on his soiled being, Joseph ignored the screaming in his hand and upper arm as they toddled over to the bathroom. His father helped him in and sat Joseph down on the toilet after flipping on the light. He dug around for a moment before finding a few different bottles of soap that definitely had to be from the house, taking a moment to read each. Once his father decided on the one he wanted, he plugged the sink and turned it on.

“That’ll make it clean?” Joseph couldn’t help but whisper as he watched his father swirl around some soap in the water. “It has to be clean.”

With a tilt of the head and a considering look, his father smiled softly at him. “I’ll make it extra clean. Don’t worry.” He stuck out his hand, “Can I see it?”

Joseph glanced at the hand and then down at this blanket. He didn’t want to part with it but he also knew that it needed a good cleaning. Holding it out to his father who took it without even a cringe of his nose, Joseph whispered “Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome,” his father murmured, his full focus now on carefully cleaning the blanket. He was being so gentle with it that Joseph wanted to say thank you all over again just for that.

Minutes passed as Joseph sat there, watching his father hum as he washed, flipping the blanket this way and that, checking every single stitch to exist. This man was standing there, looking particularly exhausted, and yet he was standing there, cleaning a crochet blanket that’d been covered in food and pee without a single complaint.

It was moments like this one that made Joseph remember why he loved his father. Why he adored him and his annoyingness. “You look tired,” Joseph said, his voice too cried out to come out more than a murmur.

“I’ve been feeling like crap lately and remotely managing a mob is hard as fuck,” his father laughed as he held up the blanket to take a good look. He squinted for a moment at a spot before seemingly satisfied. “I told them Yulian is in charge and, okay, I said call me if you need something but for fuck’s sake.” Finding a spot he wasn’t satisfied with, he dunked it back into the soapy water. “I didn’t expect them to suddenly want to talk to me all the time. Jesus. The sad part is that if I had left Asen in charge, they would’ve given me crap, yeah, but they wouldn’t call as much. Maybe.”

“I think tetíncho is well suited though.”

“See? I do too but he’ll always be viewed as that outsider in their eyes. Idiots.” Sighing as he inspected the blanket once more, he smelled the entirety of it before holding it in front of Joseph. “What do you think? Good?”

“Perfect,” he whispered, wishing he could touch it. He could smell the freshness from here and he didn’t want to ruin it by hugging it. “Thank you.”

“No problem. Let me just hang it in front of the window. Don’t move.” 

Joseph waited, really, because he lacked anything else to do and the ability to move freely until his father came back and crouched in front of him. “Can I help clean you up? And we’re gonna need to change your bandages too.”

He wasn’t too sure why he did it but something made him run a hand through his father’s hair. Maybe he was jealous because his was fucked as he was. “Can you make my hair nice?”

“What’s wrong with your hair?”

Unintentionally, his hand rubbed the ugly side of his head. “It doesn’t look nice.” Under his fingertips, his singed hair practically crinkled. “I want it nice.” Sliding his hand down his jaw, he added softly “And I think I need a shave.” He’d never grown out facial hair because he always felt like it didn’t match him. Not that he’d grown much hair in a matter of a week but he didn’t appreciate the prickles. “I look ugly.”

“Sickly, maybe, but not ugly.” His father reached out and rubbed Joseph’s head. “Okay, how about this: we clean you up and then I can fix your hair for you.”

“How you gonna fix it though? I think it all needs to go.”

Looking shocked, his father asked “You want to buzz it? All of it?”

“It’s the only way to fix it. Why would Finlay want me if I’m ugly?”

“Finlay wants you happy and healthy. And you’re not ugly, just a bit of a mess. But I know for a fact that he’ll take you however you are.”

Pft, what did this man know? He definitely didn’t know ‘however Joseph was.’ “Will you fix it for me? Please?”

“Of course,” his father said, getting to his feet with a small groan and wince. He rubbed his knee for a moment before opening a cabinet and taking out a basket filled with stuff. “Bath stuff,” he murmured, knowing that Joseph was wondering. “Mayko stocked this place with so much shit, you’d think we lived here. Ah, that reminds me.”

Watching as his father pulled out his phone and typed something, Joseph waited before realizing that there was no way he could take a shower. “I’m dirty,” he whispered to himself, staring down at his soiled gown and lower half. “I’m dirty. I need a wash.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll clean you up.” How? Joseph needed a proper shower and his loofah. Maybe his pumice stone too. Stuffing his phone back into his pocket, his father soaked a huge looking sponge in the sink before dumping blue body wash on it. Turning to Joseph, he said ever so carefully “Undress and I’ll let you scrub as you like and then I’ll come back in and do a top off. Fair?”

It sounded decent but Joseph wasn’t sure that he was comfortable with his father seeing him naked. But then…his mother had so… “Can…I put a towel on my lap?”

“Of course. Whatever makes you comfortable.”

Okay, he could do that. Joseph could do that. “Can you untie my gown for me?”

Something was wrong with his son. Ivo wasn’t exactly sure what but, mentally, he knew something wasn’t right in Joseph’s brain.

With a tired sigh, he picked up the plate and the food on the floor, setting them on the table while dialing the nurse’s desk to get someone to help him clean. He’d do it himself if he had the supplies because he knew that Joseph would hate the fact that other people were witness to his accident.

Knocking on the bathroom door after hanging up with a nurse even though it’d only been a minute, Ivo called “Okay in there?”

It took a moment but eventually, Joseph’s soft exhausted voice came through. “Yes, thank you.”

Ivo nodded as he sighed and sat down on the cot, his head in his hands. Vesela was going to blame this on him. Tell him that he wasn’t supposed to have left the chair beside the door while the doctor was in. She wasn’t entirely wrong but all Ivo had wanted was fresh coffee and to see if he could bribe Joseph with anything the café had to offer. He’d even been counting his minutes. How was he supposed to know that the doctor would finish early?

There was a quick knock before a nurse came in with a cleaning cart left in the hall. “Hi!” he greeted way too fucking loudly causing Ivo to put a finger to his lips. The nurse looked confused so Ivo explained “Try to go in and out as fast as possible before he finishes, please. He won’t take this kindly.”

With a nice smile that Ivo liked, the nurse nodded and got to work, starting on the puddle first. In record time – Ivo wished he could tip him for his efficiency – the nurse cleaned and was out right before Joseph called out quietly that he was done. Ivo gave the room one last look over before going to check on his kid. “I’ll be quick,” he told him, seeing how cold Joseph looked with just a towel over his lap while sitting on a toilet. Usually, Ivo would be against public toilets but Vesela literally scrubbed the thing every day so he knew that their asses were safe. “You look cold.”

“Just a little,” Joseph murmured, handing over the sponge. “I don’t feel clean enough.”

All Ivo smelled was spring rain but what did he know? “I’ll give you an extra scrub, don’t worry.”

He scrubbed carefully, going between how much he knew Joseph wanted him to scrub and delicate because, duh, he was bandaged as fuck. It was methodical how he worked and once he reached Joseph’s shoulders, he wondered how in the hell he was going to get his hair wet enough for a good clean buzz without getting the surrounding bandages wet. “Do you want to do your hair or face first?”

Joseph considered this for a moment before touching his head. Not the answer Ivo would’ve preferred but it wasn’t his choice. He paused his washing and took out both a razor and the shaver, setting them on the sink along with a bottle of shaving cream. Joseph was watching him carefully as he took out a spray bottle, filled it with warm water and began ever so carefully spraying his head, brushing the hair as he did.

“I think Finlay’s growing out his hair for cornrows,” Joseph said softly as Ivo brushed his hair until it felt wet enough without a tangle in sight. “Cornrows are my favorite on him. And then twists.”

“Yeah? I have minimal knowledge on this but there’s lots of different braid styles, aren’t there?” Joseph nodded into Ivo’s chest. Grabbing a scissor, he began taking off as much as he could so the shaver wouldn’t have a problem. “How does he like them?”

“I’ve only seen it once on him but it was this cool thicker – but not too thick – braid style and they weren’t just straight back which made it nicer.” He looked up at Ivo as Ivo was just about to turn on the shaver, drawing the pattern of the braids in his head. “They curved but not weird like, just curved and it looked really nice.”

“I bet it did,” he murmured, tilting Joseph’s head back down with a push of a finger on his head. The shaver buzzed to life and Ivo began shaving away inch after inch. He couldn’t remember a single time that Joseph’s hair had ever been buzzed besides for the once when Ivo had to – ironically – fix his hair for him when he was five. “would you want him to do the same or something new?”

Apparently, Finlay’s hair was something that could keep Joseph talking after a rough day. “I saw this one hairstyle where just the top is braided in varying thickness and they’re looped into this little top bun and the sides are all shaved. I liked that.”

Edging the shaver carefully around Joseph’s bandaged ear, Ivo said “Maybe you should show him that picture and see if he likes it too.”

“What if he says no?”

Ivo paused his task and forced himself not to give Joseph a weird look. Returning to his task to act like the phrase hadn’t phased him, Ivo replied “Well, that’s up to him. In a relationship, you give your opinions but you have to remember that it’s his hair and he has to like it too.”

Joseph was silent but it seemed it was only because he was thinking. “But if I’m his queen, don’t I get to get a say?

His…queen…

Queen.

Queen?

It’d taken him four long stupid years to be able to say gay and be okay with it. Four. And he knew himself. He knew it was easier to swallow because he’d seen that his kid was still…well, himself. He still liked cars and shooting games and now had all these tattoos that Ivo really hated but the point was…

Joseph was still very Joseph. Still very…masculine. It made it a whole lot easier for Ivo to handle. If Joseph had suddenly wanted, God fucking forbid, makeup or-or God knew what else because Ivo had in fact been to Manhattan once when it was Pride month and knew that…there was a lot more than just…makeup, then Ivo was more than sure he’d never have been able to stomach Joseph being gay.

So what the fuck was this ‘queen’ shit?

Keeping his voice as steady as possible while shaving off the last of Joseph’s hair, Ivo asked “His queen?”

If Joseph hadn’t been in such a state of instability right now, he’d know easily why Ivo was asking. Watching as Ivo set down the shaver after feeling Joseph’s head to make sure it was nice and even, Joseph answered “Yeah. I asked why I’m not a king because I’m not a bitch but he said queens are better than kings.”

Yes, it was stupid, but Ivo couldn’t have been happier that Joseph had also unquestioned this queen shit. Wetting Joseph’s face and slathering on cream, Ivo picked up the razor and carefully did his face for him. “How so?”

“Because queens are allowed to put their stress on other people and be pampered and given their every whim and be helped with whatever they want too.” Joseph shrugged. “I like the sound of that. I’ve never gotten that and he loves me and is gonna give me all of it.”

If that was all they were going to make of being a ‘queen,’ Ivo could live with it. As long as it entailed nothing else. Nothing more…feminine. Cleaning the razor and finishing up Joseph’s face, he murmured in his focus “I can tell that he loves you a lot.”

This made Joseph brighten, like it was the validation he needed of Finlay’s love. “Really?”

Wiping off the rest of the cream with a towel, Ivo gave Joseph a good once over before deciding that he looked great. His shaved head made him seem smaller, sicklier even, but it’d grow. He looked clean and fresh and even a little happier.

That was all that mattered.

Chapter Text

“Where the fuck is your hair?” Finlay said in shock, the minute he walked into a room that smelled like fresh ammonia and maybe some bleach. Something had been cleaned along with Isha’s blanket that was stretched out, seemingly drying.

He hated how he made Joseph look worried, self-consciously rubbing his buzzed head. Finlay hadn’t meant it in a bad way, it’d just been a shock walking in and finding his love with no hair. Okay, it was very little hair but to Finlay who had never seen it any other way, it was unnatural. “Do you not like it?”

Mr. Kavinsky was sitting on the cot, one leg drawn up, and reading a book. But he made sure to take a moment to send the scariest glare Finlay had ever seen in his life. It was like a reminder that he could in fact torture and kill him and no one would ever know. “It looks good,” Finlay said quickly, even meaning it. “I was just surprised is all.”

Joseph seemed pleased by the answer. To Finlay, the haircut just made Joseph seemed even skinnier than he was which was to say that he was even scarier than scary skinny. “Is that Good Burger?” Joseph asked, his eyes lighting up at the familiar sight. “Please say it’s mine.”

Finlay held up the shake in his hand. “Only this is. I’m not allowed to indulge you with greasy foods but I thought I’d bring my lunch to sit while you eat yours. Although…” Finlay glanced around, not finding Joseph’s food even though he knew it was around lunchtime, “where’s your food?”

A blush tinged Joseph’s cheeks as Finlay took a seat on the cot beside Mr. Kavinsky. He’d prefer to sit closer to Joseph but he’d also prefer not to break his butt in the uncomfortable chair on the right side of the bed. “Um…they’re going to…bring it in a bit.”

A very unamused snort erupted from the scary man beside him. “Why don’t you tell him why they’re bringing it late.”

The blush deepened and officially, nothing was sexier in this world. Not meeting Finlay’s eyes while rubbing his head because it had to be weird for him, Joseph replied “I’d prefer not to.”

“I think you should.”

Biting his lip, Joseph let out a deep sigh as he rolled his eyes. There was a flash of annoyance that looked like Kavinsky of old before he muttered “I threw my food at the fucking wall.”

Mr. Kavinsky turned the page in his book, resting his back against the wall behind them. “And, why, Joseph, do we not do that?”

“What am I, five?”

“When you throw your food and waste it, yes.”

“I don’t need another fucking lecture.”

Another page turned. Mr. K seemed normal beside him but Finlay had a feeling there was something more towards annoyance boiling inside the man. “If you didn’t, you’d be able to answer. Why don’t we waste food?”

Fury made Joseph’s eyes burn as he glared at his father. It was an emotion Finlay hadn’t seen since before Joseph had tried to kill himself and, really, it wasn’t one he wanted to see again. He liked Joseph when he was just Joseph.

He didn’t want to put up with Kavinsky again.

Without a knock, Mrs. Kavinsky walked in and smiled at Finlay as Mr. Kavinsky repeated “Why. Don’t. We. Waste. Food.”

“Waste what food?” Mrs. Kavinsky asked, looking between the three of them. Finlay made to get up for her so she could sit beside her husband but she shook her head and sat in the evil chair. “Who’s wasting?”

Joseph was looking more pissed by the second. “I was angry, I threw my plate at the wall. Now you know, now let’s move on.”

Mrs. K was still staring at Joseph, just realizing now what was different. “Baby, who cut your hair?”

“Who else is going to,” Mr. Kavinsky snorted, turning another page. Finlay didn’t want to admit that he was impressed with how the man managed to focus on two things at once. Like really focus. “Me, obviously.”

“Why?”

“Because he wanted me to. Why else?”

“You didn’t seriously let him take a shower, did you?”

Her words pissed off both of her men and made Finlay wish he’d put off coming for a little later. This was awkward as fuck. But…if he wanted to be a part of this family…maybe he’d just have to get over it.

Something that was going to be extremely difficult.

“Do I look like a fucking idiot to you?” Mr. K all but snapped, officially closing his book and setting it to the side. If he was a hedgehog, Finlay would be able to feel his prickles flaring. It was like he was trying not to show that he was angry. Like he was trying to keep a flaring temper in. “Why in the fuck would I let him take a shower? And even if I did, I wouldn’t let him take it without supervision being that he can barely stand.”

Mrs. Kavinsky, who had to be used to this mobster of hers, looked unfazed as she crossed her arms and rolled her eyes. “Fine but you can’t just help him bathe when you two feel like it. He needs a nurse-”

“I know how to take care of my own fucking child, Vesela.”

“Do you?” she laughed, sarcasm oozing from her voice. “I dunno, Ivo, because I can’t say your record proves much.” Beside Finlay, a jaw clicked shut so loudly that the world heard it. It clicked shut because the man beside him was seething with rage and trying not to let it out. Mrs. K either didn’t notice or didn’t care and Finlay had a feeling that it was the latter. “Looks like someone’s forgotten how to control his temper, hmm?”

“Can I have my shake, it looks like it’s melting,” Joseph cut in, eating at the corner of his lip while worrying the edge of the hospital blanket between his fingers. Without meeting his mother’s eyes, Joseph added softly “And I needed to feel clean. We were careful.”

Her face softened as she leaned forward and brushed her hand against his. “Joseph, baby, I’m not saying don’t but-”

“We were careful,” he repeated, still not meeting her eyes, and stretching his arm out for his shake. “Can I have it now?”

Finlay was about to say ‘of course’ but he didn’t even get the chance before he was interrupted. “No,” Mrs. Kavinsky said, halting Finlay’s arm with simply her eyes. It had to be a Kavinsky thing because between her and Mr. K, people could die from their glares. Joseph’s too. “Too much sugar and fat. We’re on a strict diet now, remember?”

“It’s a fucking shake,” Joseph muttered, crossing one arm across his chest. “That’s not fair.”

“Life’s not fair,” she snorted back, crossing her legs under her, “so here we are. And I’m especially not rewarding you with a shake when you apparently wasted food.”

“Oh for…”

“People are starving and you’re blessed to always have your choice of food in front of you. Babies are starving, looking like skeletons because they don’t have access to food like you have been blessed with.”

Grinding his jaw back and forth, Joseph grit out “I’ve heard the lecture already.”

Mrs. Kavinsky huffed, crossing her own arms and shaking her head. She looked exhausted and fed up. But before she had the chance to say more, a knock sounded and the door opened, revealing the doctor Finlay had met a few times before. “Can I come in?”

“Of course,” Mrs. Kavinsky replied, plastering a smile on her face. “We don’t usually have a check in at this time though?”

Dr. Richards smiled as she slipped on some gloves. “I need to check on the blisters that tore. The nurse said they look good but I’d prefer to make sure myself.”

Joseph’s mother waited until the doctor’s back was to her before giving Mr. K one hell of a look. She waited until Dr. Richards cleaned the popped blisters on Joseph’s hand and upper arm before giving him yet another look and she waited some more while the doctor gave them a smile and the ‘all clear’ before shooting daggers at him with her eyes.

It wasn’t until Dr. Richards left that she turned those glares into words. “I thought you two were careful. Torn blisters are not careful, Ivo.”

“It’s not his fault,” Joseph cut in, both somehow managing to seem ashamed and offended at the same time. “I got up to…to…”

“Go to the bathroom and he needed to rest on the bed for minute but he put too much strain on his arm,” Mr. Kavinsky finished so smoothly that Finlay almost totally believed him if it weren’t for the shame that’d been on Joseph’s face. Gratitude and relief made Joseph’s face light up as he stared at his father. Finlay would love to know what the hell they were hiding.

And by the look on Mrs. K’s face, so would she.

“Where the fuck were you that he got up by himself?”

“Can you not talk about me like I’m not here?”

She completely ignored Joseph. “Where were you, Ivo.”

Resting his arm on his drawn up knee, Mr. Kavinsky shrugged like everything was chill. To Finlay, everything was not chill being that he had both a melting shake and cold food. Jesus. He didn’t think he’d be walking into a shit show. “Dr. Cho left early-”

“Your ass shouldn’t have left the chair by the door.”

“I was counting my time. I went to the café-”

“You couldn’t possibly need coffee that bad.”

If this was beautiful love to Joseph, he was fucking delusional. The hate in this room was stifling as fuck. “I was counting my time. I didn’t know she’d leave early-”

“It doesn’t matter if you did or didn’t!” she snapped, the anger wiping away her exhaustion like it was nothing. She looked ready to tackle her husband and beat him to a fucking pulpy mess. “You weren’t supposed to move! You don’t leave him alone! You come here wanting to play father again then goddamn act like one!”

“Mayko,” Joseph whispered, almost sounding afraid to interrupt her making Finlay wonder how many times Joseph used the interruption tactic in his life to keep his parents from each other’s throats. Beautiful love? Yeah, Finlay wasn’t seeing the proof.

Either not hearing him over the roar of her anger or just ignoring him once more, Mrs. Kavinsky continued “You had one fucking job which was to plant your ass in that chair and stay put until the doctor was finished. One. That’s it.”

“I was only gone for barely even five minutes.”

“Yeah, well, in those five minutes he could’ve killed himself.”

Well then. She sure knew how to just…

“I’ve gone through this four times now, Ivo. Four. If it kills me, there’s not going to be a fifth.” Mrs. Kavinsky pointed at her husband with a long dangerous finger, “I have gone through this four times because of you. Because of your ignorance and intolerance, and I am not going to again. If it kills me, this boy is going to grow the fuck up into everything he wanted to fucking be. The worst mistake I ever did was go back to you the first time.”

Finlay didn’t know what that meant but Mr. K sure did because he froze, his eyes going wide like he couldn’t even comprehend what she was saying. It only lasted a second, however, as his body tensed, ready to snap something. But whatever it was never came out because he stopped mid speech and clamped his mouth shut before getting up and walking out, slamming the door behind himself.

“You’re being mean,” Joseph said in such a small soft tone that Finlay just wanted to hug the life out of him. “Stop.” Mrs. K let out a ragged sigh as she set her face in her palms. “I don’t like it.”

“No?” she laughed, keeping her head in her hands. “You don’t think he deserves a little meanness? Or was I just supposed to welcome him with open arms?”

“If he and I have settled our differences, then you shouldn’t be angry anymore.”

“You make it sound so simple. ‘Settled our differences.’ As if life didn’t just flip upside down because of him. As if he didn’t make us the mess we are or isn’t the reason he’s a freaking walking zombie.”

Yeah, Finlay had wondered if she’d known that.

Obviously, she now wondered if he’d known that because her head flew up as she stared at him with eyes that were as wide as Mr. Kavinsky’s had been only a moment ago. “I mean-”

“He knows,” Joseph whispered, biting his lip and staring down at the corner of the blanket he’d wrinkled to death with his fiddling. “He knows all of it.”

Mrs. K nodded slowly, “It wasn’t a firework, was it?”

Way to put him on the spot. “Beats me,” he answered with a shrug as he took out a cold fry. “I’m sure dragon fireworks exist somewhere in this world. Like here in Henrietta for example.”

“Fuck,” Joseph muttered, giving Finlay a weird look that he didn’t understand at all. “We gotta track her down.”

“Who?”

“Diana.”

“Who the fuck is Diana?”

“The dragon. She’s Diana from up,” he tapped his head “here. She’s been with me since I was little. We were technically supposed to kill each other.” He laughed and snorted “She failed. I should probs fire her or something. Goddamn. You give a person one job and nothing.”

Diana. The dragon. Lovely. Diana the dragon who was apparently flying around and probably burning shit to the ground while she was at it. “How exactly am I supposed to track down a fucking dragon that’s not supposed to exist?”

Joseph shrugged like this wasn’t huge news that they should all be panicking about. “Dream things are technically all connected and have this specific feel to them. You wouldn’t know the vibe though so…” Biting his nail as he thought, Joseph tapped his finger on his thigh. “I mean…I guess we can let her be until I get out of here. What can she do in another week that she hasn’t already done in this one, right?”

There was a real life fire dragon somewhere in Virginia and Joseph was being totally chill about it.

His love was a freak.

But he was Finlay’s freak.

“I…guess?” Finlay replied, not really sure what else he could say. This was all new to him and if he hadn’t seen it all with his own eyes, he wouldn’t believe an inch of it.

At all.

“Oh!” Joseph exclaimed, looking particularly pleased. “You and my dad can find her!”

“No way,” Finlay said quickly because no way, no how, was he getting in a car alone with a fucking mobster. No. Fucking. Way. Nope. “Not happening. He creeps the fuck out of me, man! He’s a mobster who kills people and you want me to get in a car with him? Alone?”

Joseph looked ready to burst with laughter, his face turning bright red as his lips trembled from holding it in. “It’s not like he’s killing you! You guys are supposed to help each other out! You know Henrietta and he kinda sorta not really knows dream shit! Plus, he won’t kill my maybe possible boyfriend. Trust me. He’s all into the ‘make Joseph happy’ mode.”

Mrs. K snorted.

“He is. Yesterday, he told me I’m gay and that’s a beautiful thing.” Mrs. Kavinsky stared at Joseph like he had five heads. Not two. Not three. Five. “Gay and beautiful, mayko. And he gave his blessing for me and Finlay. If that’s not progress, I don’t know what is. I think it’s a start. He may be dead already but, hey, at least he’s trying to fix shit, yeah?”

“We have his blessing?” Finlay murmured in surprise. This was good news, wasn’t it? Joseph had had trouble being with Finlay because of all the homophobia Mr. K had built around and in Joseph. But if his father was saying it was cool… “Fuck.” Looking up at his love with hopeful eyes, Finlay asked “Can I ask you out again then? This time with you saying ‘yes,’ obviously.”

Joseph had to have known that this was eventually coming but even then, he blushed at bit the corner of his lip, not meeting Finlay’s eyes. “I said I was keeping you,” Joseph whispered. “Remember?”

Trying not to let his excitement get the best of him, Finlay got up and held Joseph’s hand in his while catching those elusive eyes with his own. “Joseph, will you go out with me? Like for real?”

It was like Joseph was searching his eyes for something, still gnawing on his poor abused lip. He leaned in close, their lips practically brushing against one another with Finlay now extremely conscious of the fact that Mrs. Kavinsky was watching them like a fucking hawk.

Embarrassing.

But he had no intentions of losing this moment.

“This queen is pretty high maintenance,” Joseph whispered against Finlay’s lips. “Extremely, actually. And gets in nasty moods a shit ton and might throw stuff in one of them.”

“Just means that my queen is a bit frustrated, not that he hates me.”

With a bright beautiful smile, Joseph laughed “Well, there’s a high chance you’ll hear that in your queen’s anger too.”

“I know he doesn’t mean it. So? Will the queen take his secret lover?”

“Bitch,” Joseph said so softly that it barely made it passed his lips, “this queen already owns his secret lover. The question is, is the secret lover ready for one hell of a headache?”

“You know me,” Finlay laughed, already remembering the beauty of being this close to Joseph, “I always accept a challenge.”

“Good, because I’m one hell of a one.”

Finlay wasn’t sure, but he thought he might’ve heard the door closing, leaving them in an empty room as their lips met, reuniting after way too long.

Chapter Text

Blake was terrified. Terrified because he’d never been in this sort of situation where a friend tried to actively die. Terrified because he was bad with hospitals. Terrified because he was squeamish and it might show on his face. And, of course, terrified because there was a high chance he’d run into Joseph’s father.

Thee mobster.

“He’s been wanting Isha to come but he has summer class still,” Jiang continued as though Blake hadn’t even heard the beginning of the conversation. “Plus, Isha isn’t a fan of hospitals so he says he’ll wait ‘til K gets out.”

Blake had wanted to wait but as one of the crew, he’d look terrible if he didn’t show up for his boy. “Uhuh.”

The elevator dinged for the floor they needed and they stepped out, side by side. Jiang seemed at ease, his hands stuffed in his pockets but Blake was ready for a panic attack as he clutched his present to his chest. He’d had no idea what the fuck to buy for him but he knew that he had to. He couldn’t be the one showing up with empty hands like an idiot.

His gift was something he knew Kavinsky would like, Blake just hoped it wasn’t just…bleh.

“Oh,” Jiang added as they turned down the hall, “and just call him Joseph if you say his name. Instead of K or Kavinsky. Especially in front of his parents.”

“Why?”

“Feels weird,” Jiang replied with a shrug. “Just stick with…ew.”

Blake gave Jiang and his whisper a weird glance before turning to see if he could figure out what was ew. “I guess the chances of them not being here was slim, huh?” Jiang nodded with a sigh, leading them along to where K’s parents sat outside the room.

They didn’t look too happy.

“Hola,” Jiang said with a wave, sounding uber super confident. If it weren’t for the pinkie twitch, Blake might’ve believed his false confidence. “Party outside today?”

The woman who had to be Kav- Joseph’s mother looked up from the floor at them, putting on a delightful smile. It bothered Blake that all the guys had met Joseph’s mother before and he hadn’t. He was always last for everything.  “Something like that.” Her eyes landed on Blake and he didn’t know why but she was looking at him kind of weird. “I don’t think we’ve met?”

Her words caught the attention of the man beside her who picked up his own head to look at them. This man was without a doubt Kavin- Joseph’s father. They weren’t carbon copies but they sure shared a lot of similarities. “You are?”

Joseph’s father was talking to him. The mobster. Dear Lord, help him. Blake knew his eyes went stupidly wide and then he knew he was taking way too long to answer once Jiang elbowed him. Hard. “Ow,” Blake muttered, rubbing his ribs and giving Jiang a glare that wasn’t even close to effective. “Um, I, um, I’m, Skov. I mean, Blake. Blake Skovron.” God, he couldn’t even give his name to this man. What if he used it for illegal means? As an alias, ruining Blake’s entire life? He’d have to get a new name, new social, new identity even. “Yeah. Um, hi. I, uh…”

“Oh for…” Jiang groaned, rubbing his face before whacking Blake in the head. “Dumbass, where’s your voice? You seriously that scared of that piece of crap?” Blake’s eyes turned even larger as he darted a panicked glance at the idiot beside him. “Oh my God you are, aren’t you?”

“You don’t call mobsters names!” Blake whisper-shouted even though, obviously, it didn’t matter because he was literally right next to Joseph’s dad. “They can kill you without anyone knowing.”

“Man, Joseph’s gonna laugh at you so bad when I tell him!”

“No, don’t tell him! Are you nuts? He’ll mock me for weeks!”

“Exactly!”

“What are you dumbasses yelling about?”

They both turned to Swan who was sticking his head out of the room. “Aw, hey, baby!” Jiang laughed with a wave. Looping an arm around Blake’s shoulders and bringing him in close, he pointed at him and explained “Pup’s afraid of the papa.”

Blake’s face flared. He felt like he was in the middle of a damn hot flash. “I am not!” Mr. Kavinsky raised an eyebrow, looking amused as hell. “Okay, only a little! Mobsters are illegal bad people, alright?”

“Your dad does insider trading and shady business,” Jiang supplied cheekily. “Pretty sure that’s illegal-”

“Ssshhhhh!”

“He’s a mobster! You think he cares about illegal shit? Hell, he’ll probably want to go into business with your dad.”

“Doubt it,” Mr. Kavinsky said with a yawn.

“Do you by any chance…” Mrs. K started, giving him a curious once over, “maybe…have a brother?”

Huh…how’d she know? “Um, yeah, actually. Brothers. I’m the youngest. Why?”

“Is…one of them named Liam?”

Blake blushed, he couldn’t help it, because his mother had ingrained it so hard in him that Liam wasn’t supposed to be called a brother. “My half-brother. Uh, mistress’ child, y’know?”

“Mama, I want to talk to you for a minute,” a woman with a booming yet hearty voice called as she walked over to them. The woman’s face lit up for God knew what reason when she looked at Blake. “Oh hello, sweetheart! How are you?”

Jiang and Swan were each giving him a look that Blake knew was mirrored on his own face. He sure as hell didn’t know this woman. “Uh…hi? I’m sorry, I don’t-”

“My baby girl Eva, you know her?” Blake felt embarrassed by the fact that he had to shake his head to the negative. “She’s Liam’s girlfriend, dear.”

“I’m sorry, I’ve only met Liam…once.” A voice called out something, a voice that sounded particularly like Kavin- goddammit, Joseph from inside the room where Swan still stood in the doorway. “What?”

Swan turned his head into the room and listened to whatever the words were before sticking his head back out to them and repeated “The girl Proko wanted so bad is the twin of your bro’s girl.”

Blake wondered if anyone had told K about Proko. Had he been curious where he was? They’d been friends before all of them had been.

“Who’s this Proko who be liking one of my babies?” the woman asked, almost accusatory as she nudged Swan to the side and stood in the doorway with her arms crossed. “Baby boy, I swear to God, if you bringing trash to one of my girls, I will beat the gravy out of you.”

“Beat the gravy?” Blake muttered. “Is that a thing?”

“For country people, apparently,” Jiang laughed as a back and forth went between Gwen and Joseph. “We definitely don’t beat the gravy in Philly, just the shit. Maybe even the cream cheese.”

There were days, like this one, where Blake never quite felt like he fit in. He liked to mess around, he even liked to do stupid things, but beating people? Definitely wasn’t Blake’s jam.

Apparently, there was in fact a reason why they still called him Puppy.

“You know Liam?” Blake asked Mrs. K curiously before remembering that before there had been the crew for Joseph, there’d been Liam. “Oh wait, he used to hang out with Joseph. I remember.”

“Ironically, I met him in this hospital when he came to visit Joseph after his first attempt.”

“That’s…not the best way to meet friends.”

Mrs. Kavinsky laughed and Blake couldn’t help but blush. It was such a pretty laugh. Like music even. “No, I don’t think so either. But…” she pointed at Jiang, “I did meet him once. Vaguely. While high. That counts.”

“The sleepover,” Jiang nodded, “where I was threatened when I got crumbs on the floor.”

Jealousy burned in Blake’s heart. He didn’t want to remember the sleepover he hadn’t been invited to, thank you.

She threw her thumb over her shoulder, “And Finlay would come actually a lot. But he was playing fake boyfriend-”

“What.”

Mrs. Kavinsky looked between him and Jiang who was groaning beside him. “What?”

Why did no one ever tell him anything? Did he not get to know? Fake boyfriend? Blake would’ve liked to know about that. Blake would’ve liked to know a lot of things that he was never privy to know. Whacking Jiang in the arm and turning on him, Blake snapped “Why do I never get to know anything? What am I-”

“Chopped liver!” Joseph called from the room, pure amusement in his voice. And while Blake wanted him to be happy and be able to laugh after something so serious, laughing at his expense when his feelings were hurting wasn’t what he’d been thinking. “Delicate? A snowflake? Save it, we know the speech already.”

He was frustrated that he knew that he looked like a pouting baby but Blake couldn’t help but purse his lips and flare his nose as he stalked over to the room, pushing Swan out of the way and squeezing in past the lady. “Yeah, well, if you guys…know…whoa…”

Joseph smiled to him from the bed though Blake had no idea what the hell he thought he was smiling about. He looked…terrible. Bruised, bandaged, exhausted, half-dead, and just…everything. It made Blake feel horrible. His heart was twisting with guilt and pain and those were feelings combined at such a level that he’d never experienced before. He felt so guilty.

Why hadn’t he seen it coming?

“I look like shit, huh?”

“Um, no,” Blake said softly, clutching his wrapped gift to his chest as he walked over, coming to a stop at the foot of the bed. “A bit of a mess but…you look alive and that’s…the best anyone could ask for right now.” K tilted his head, considering the words. “Um, so you cut your hair?”

Blake…wasn’t really a fan. It made him look thinner. Smaller even.

A lot less…alive.

Rubbing his head, Kavinsky snorted “Yeah, it was fucked. Shaved and singed and I was like fuck it. It’ll grow back anyways. What do you think?”

He didn’t like it.

“Looks great.”

“You always were a horrible liar,” Kavinsky laughed, accidently dropping a Beanie baby to the floor. “Tweets, no!”

“For someone who wanted to die, you’re in pretty good spirits,” Blake couldn’t help but say as he walked over to the available chair. The chair was a horrible decision, it seemed, and everyone knew it because they gave him this knowing smirk that meant they’d all suffered the horrors of it. Blake leaned down and picked up the yellow Beanie bird, “Tweets?”

“Man, he bought me the whole fucking display,” Joseph said, reaching out for the bird with his left arm. Blake thought it odd that he’d use the opposite one until he really paid attention to what he was sitting next to. “You know how hard it is to name all of them? Plus, it’s a bird. Birds tweet, man. Gimme.”

Handing over the bird, Blake couldn’t find a way to take his eyes off the boy beside him. A boy he’d always considered so strong and…powerful even. Now he just looked like a lost child in a big bed in a gown that wasn’t his size. It hurt to see him this way. Kavinsky had always been larger than life and now he was reduced to this. “It’d all been a lie, huh.”

K raised an eyebrow at him, cocking his head in confusion after settling down Tweets between all the other plushies surrounding and on him. “What was?”

Blake wished he hadn’t opened his mouth but he’d already started and there was no going back now. K didn’t allow for takebacks. “This. You. Just everythi-”

“What the fuck?” Swan said as he sat down on the cot, glaring at Blake. “What the hell are you saying?”

Swan looked far more offended than Joseph did who was watching him so intensely that Blake almost felt like he was meeting him for the first time. “I just mean that…” he swallowed the lump in his throat so large that it was like an orange “that…it was all like a…persona. Kavinsky. You know?”

“No, I don’t know,” Swan snorted, crossing his arms and seemingly way too offended on K’s behalf. “Elaborate, prodigy.”

They only called him that when they were angry. Blake didn’t understand why Swan was so damn angry though. Turning his focus back on Joseph, Blake said softly “When Sasha wanted us to meet, I was terrified to. I was terrified of you because of all the things built up around you. Then I met you and none of it seemed a lie. And I don’t think they all were, but the truths were hidden so elaborately that they became something new entirely. We’d hang out and I’d like you more and more but I was still afraid of you. Of this boy who was seemingly afraid of nothing.”

Joseph laughed, looking down at his Beanie babies and messing with a cat’s ear. “I’m afraid of everything, Blake. Everything.”

If he’d told him that a week ago, Blake would’ve laughed and pointed out his lying tendencies. But this wasn’t a week ago; this was now. “Up until the Fourth, I still had moments where I was scared of you, you know. Of this boy who played with guns, broke a thousand laws, did dangerous pranks, and proved that holding a knife to someone didn’t bother him. And while some of that has truth to it because I’ve seen it with my own eyes, you were just using them all to hide, weren’t you?”

Not bothering to look away from apparently the most interesting cat ear in the world, Joseph sat there, eating at his lip. Blake waited for him to say anything but nothing came. “You were afraid that if you were just ‘Joseph’ that no one would like you, right?”

“Blake,” Swan warned, his voice hard.

He didn’t spare Swan a glance. “Because people must’ve given ‘Joseph’ a hard time before and you didn’t want that happening again. So you built ‘Kavinsky.’ You built him and lived him and became him at the expense of ‘Joseph.’ The problem with rebuilding is that the foundations will always be there, and you kept building on the shaky ground that was Joseph. But under all that ‘Kavinsky,’ no one could hear when Joseph was screaming.”

Joseph was biting his lip so hard to the point where Blake was sure there was going to be blood while squeezing the life out of that ear in his fist. There was a sniffle and an accompanying wipe of the eye but Blake wasn’t an ass to point them out. “You’ve been screaming for a long time and I don’t think anyone’s been listening. I know I wasn’t because I couldn’t seem to hear you. I simply took you at face value instead of looking a little harder. But I am now. I’m looking and listening and the next time you start calling for help, I’m going to see it and I’m going to help.”

Blake felt like he had twenty pairs of eyes on him and instead of making him uncomfortable, it only made him feel like he could drive his next point even better. “Because no one is supposed to be fighting alone when they’ve got people who care about them. But that’s also on ‘Kavinsky’ because he wouldn’t let anyone help him even when they tried. And now here we are. Here we are and everyone’s probably thinking that this is a bad place to be.”

“Isn’t it,” Joseph, Joseph not Kavinsky, whispered, still staring down. “Fresh off attempt four, Blake. Doesn’t sound like a nice place to end up at.”

Leaning forward, he shoved his squeamish bitch down and set his hand on Joseph’s bandaged one. “Once you hit rock bottom, there’s only one direction left to go, Joseph. That’s up. And maybe up is really really high and far but it’s the only way you can go. You might even tumble a few times, thinking that you’re going back down but that just means that you’re going up again. Kavinsky hit damn Minecraft bedrock,” Joseph let out a broken laugh, wiping his eyes with his one hand, “but that just means Joseph gets to climb up instead.”

“Joseph doesn’t know how to climb anymore, man.”

“No, Kavinsky didn’t know how to climb anymore,” Blake countered. “Joseph is just learning. And step one in climbing is that you never go scaling alone. You always need someone to tie yourself to so you guys can support each other. The good thing about fictional climbing is that you get to have more than one climbing buddy. Fuck the laws of physics here, lemme tell you.”

He thought there might be the vague impression of a smile coming on Joseph’s face. Sticking out his hand for a handshake – the left so Joseph could use his left – Blake smiled at Joseph who gave him and his hand a weird look. “Hi, I’m Blake Skovron. I’m from Nebraska but I came here for school. I’m going to be a senior this year and I want to go to uni after to study software engineering. Nice to meet you.”

Still looking confused as fuck, Joseph took the hand and shook it. “Um…I’m Joseph Kavinsky. I’m…I’m from New Jersey and I…came here for school too. I’m also going to be a senior even though I should’ve graduated this year. But I was held back a grade in elementary school.”

Blake hadn’t even known that.

“I…I think…that I want to maybe go to university for mechanical engineering and…maybe…maybe pre-vet if I can manage it.”

Never in their years of knowing each other had Blake ever known about Joseph wanting to be a vet.

“Um…nice to meet you. And um…I…” Joseph gnawed on his lip once more, looking almost afraid to say whatever it was out loud. “I. Fuck.” Looking Blake straight in the eye while pretty much killing his hand, Joseph announced something Blake never saw coming.

Never.

“I’m gay. And that asshole is my boyfriend.”

Chapter Text

Of all the things he said, it was the last one that made Blake’s jaw drop.

Literally.

In three…two…one…

“Why does no one ever ever tell me anything!” Blake snapped, but not at Joseph, more at the general public as he flew to his feet and glared with his flushed face at Finlay. Joseph wasn’t sure why he was glaring at him in particular but okay. “What am I?”

“I swear to God if you say chopped liver,” Joseph started, trying hard not to laugh. He’d…he’d come out and Blake wasn’t bothered by it. Joseph had actually come out to someone after all these years.

He’d done it.

Groaning into his hands, Blake stood there for a moment, inhaling and exhaling so loudly that Joseph, Finlay, and Jiang just stared at him, waiting for the outburst that was to come. They waited as he gritted his teeth and they waited as he groaned again and they even waited as he nearly pulled out his surprisingly un-gelled hair. Jiang got tired of waiting any longer than that, however. “So…in case you weren’t aware…we just wanted to let you know that Joseph’s gay and him and Swan are going out.”

Way to add fuel to the fire.

“Dumbass,” Joseph sighed because his day had been way too fucking long and he wasn’t up to this shit. He really wasn’t. He was tired and pretty sure he wanted a nap and…maybe go to the bathroom? Joseph wasn’t actually sure.

“That’s not funny,” Skov snorted, interrupting Joseph’s musings of his bladder. “Everyone knows, even if we tried to ignore, that K is an annoying homophobic bastard. Do I look like an idiot to you?”

Had he really been that bad? That hateful?

Who was he kidding.

Of course he had.

Fuck, did he or didn’t he need to pee? Joseph was like…sixty percent sure that he needed to go. But what the fuck was sixty? But then…what if he had another accident? Right here in bed?

Right here in front of the guys?

“At the moment, yes, yes you do,” Jiang said with his almighty ‘I’m smarter than thou’ smirk. “Because…dun dun dun, drumroll…”

No one bothered with a drumroll.

“You fuckers,” Jiang muttered in annoyance, giving them each a glare before focusing back on Skov, “Joseph is gay and him and Swan are going out now.”

“We’ve been official for a couple hours,” Finlay added, looking ready to burst from joy. His beautiful eyes were sparkling and his grin was huge. “Like official official.”

“Shit fuck! No joke?” Finlay nodded to which Jiang patted him on the back. “Niiiice. We need celebratory-”

“I need to piss,” Joseph cut in because now he was eighty percent sure and that sounded like a high enough percent to make him panic. He refused to have an accident in bed like a child. He extremely refused to have it front of the guys and there was no way in fucking hell he’d ever let Finlay see him like that. Who’d want a bitch who couldn’t hold it in? “Like now.”

He didn’t know if he was annoyed or flattered that Finlay immediately jumped to his feet and stared at Joseph with such loving earnest eyes. “Do you want me to help you walk? Are you allowed to get up though? Did they remove the bag and catheter?”

“Yo, dude, don’t talk about catheters,” Jiang mumbled and if Joseph wasn’t on the verge of a panic attack with his heart ready to burst from his chest, he’d laugh at the blush on his cheeks. “Ew.”

“Um, yeah, earlier and no…I can do it fine.”

Big talk from a guy who fell and peed on himself a little while ago.

Finlay hardly seemed convinced. “Are you sure? You haven’t been out of bed yet so your legs-”

“I’m fine!” he snapped causing hurt to flash across his…boyfriend’s face.

Fuck.

He hadn’t been able to think that in years.

Shit was about to get real now, wasn’t it?

Holy.

Fuck.

“I’m fine,” Joseph repeated in a softer tone because Finlay only wanted to help and Joseph knew he shouldn’t get mad at him for that. “Really. Thank you though.”

The softer words eased some of the distress but Joseph hated that he could still see traces of it. He was never really good boyfriend material and yet here he was wanting to try it all over again. Maybe he was insane to the core. “Okay. But know that if I see just a wobble, I’m carrying you.”

“Bridal style,” Jiang added with a laugh.

“Idiots,” Joseph sighed though he hardly meant it. Lord did he love these idiots of his. Pushing Finlay – unsuccessfully – to the side, Joseph pushed off the blanket and carefully swung his feet off the bed. How hard could it be? It was just walking to the bathroom a couple feet away.

But he’d already failed once.

That was then, this was now. He could do this.

Fixing his IV pole, Joseph very carefully set down one foot at a time until he was standing. He couldn’t help but smile at being able to stand straight and not feel any pain or dizziness. But that was standing and he needed to walk and once he got moving at his repeated snail pace, the pain slammed into him like a linebacker.

He refused to voice a sound.

“I really think I should help,” Finlay said, probably catching every tremble running through Joseph’s pained frame. “Joseph-”

“I’m fine,” he replied through gritted teeth, feeling like he was engulfed in Diana’s flames with every step. “Fine, really. You guys worry-”

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

Joseph stumbled and had Finlay not been right behind him, it would’ve ended ugly like last time with popped blisters and severe pain.  Blinking at his father in surprise, Joseph tried to explain the horrible pressure taking place in his bladder right this moment but his tongue was stuck on the words. “I…um…”

“Bathroom,” Finlay clarified as Joseph’s father literally gave Finlay a death glare as he took over as the support beam. “He needs the bathroom.”

From the clench of his father’s jaw, Joseph knew there were words brewing, ready to burst forth. But instead of saying them, he dragged Joseph to the bathroom and helped him sit before walking out.

He had a feeling his bae was about to get chewed out.

“Are you out of your damn mind?” Ivo snapped, wishing that his voice wasn’t so damn loud for Joseph to hear. “How fucking stupid are you idiots?”

The blonde kid quite literally flinched and tried to shrink into the evil chair but Jiang glared at him with defiant eyes as if he wanted Ivo to explain who he thought he was to come yelling all up in here. On the bright side, Finlay at least looked slightly ashamed. “He said he had to go, I told him I’ll help but he just got annoyed-”

“He’s Joseph. He gets annoyed by anything that isn’t an animal or a car.”

“There’ve never been truer words,” Jiang laughed though it was an odd laugh. Oddly familiar actually. It was like when someone Ivo wanted to kill made a joke and the joke was actually funny so he had no choice but to laugh. “I wonder if he’ll give you any slack, huh, Fin?”

“You did not just ‘Fin’ me.”

“Stop,” Ivo interrupted as Joseph flushed the toilet. He needed to chew these idiots out before dragging his son back into bed and chewing him out too. “What exactly made any of you think that he could get up and walk by himself?”

“I told you,” Finlay said, his tone turning stiffer with every word, “I tried to help but he wouldn’t let me-”

“You don’t give him the option. He’s been conscious for barely a couple days, dimwit. He has burns on one of his feet and you actually think he can walk? I thought you’re supposed to be smart?”

A fire flared in Finlay’s eyes and Ivo had a feeling that this was who he was when he wasn’t a devoted caring mother duck/lover. The bathroom door opened and Ivo rolled his eyes as harshly as he ever possibly could before helping Joseph back to bed. Once he was sure that his son was comfy, he flicked him on the nose and said “How fucking stupid are you?”

“I had to go piss.”

“Lovely,” Ivo snorted, switching to Bulgarian because he knew Joseph wouldn’t want anyone hearing his next words. “And what if, dear Joseph, you’d fallen again? Let’s not even think about the burns for a moment.” Shame covered Joseph’s face as he turned away, not meeting Ivo’s eyes. “It was an accident and that’s okay, but dammit, brat, setting yourself up for another one is just damn stupid and you know it. Stop trying to act so strong for a moment and let us help you.”

“I shouldn’t need someone to help me to the bathroom,” Joseph whispered in their mother tongue. “That’d just make me a thousand times more pathetic than I already am.”

Sighing, Ivo replied “Brat, you’re in a hospital. You’re going to need help with a lot of things and that’s perfectly okay. That’s what we’re here for. What the nurses are here for. You think I was up and running to the bathroom when my knee was ruined? When I’d been shot the fifty thousand times in my life?” A small corner of Joseph’s mouth curled up. “People are supposed to need help here and that’s okay. That’s what we’re all here for.”

“Can you people speak in a way that everyone else can understand?” Jiang muttered sullenly, crossing his arms. “I can’t understand a word. It sounds like gibberish, what the fuck.”

“If I wanted you to understand,” Ivo said, making sure he sounded as terrifying as possible without crossing a certain line. Like…psychopath scary. But charming. With charisma. “I would’ve spoken in English, don’t you think? Not every conversation is for your ears.”

“Yeah, well you can’t just come around here after years and act like you know shit,” Jiang practically snapped and Ivo had to give him credit for being able to hold in his temper like that. Ivo had been losing his touch little by little the last year. “You can’t just-just stuff yourself in-”

“I’m his father, I’m pretty sure that I can.”

“You’re the reason he’s like this!” Jiang shouted, gesturing harshly at Joseph with both hands. Like he threw his arms all in that direction. Ivo straightened and crossed his arms, cocking his head to the side as he did. “Newsflash, you stupid bitch, your kid tried to burn himself alive because of you!”

“Jiang,” Joseph snapped, a fire Ivo hadn’t seen in years flaring in his eyes, “watch it.”

“No, no I won’t, okay? Just because you forgive him or whatever, doesn’t mean I do. Has he seen you at a fucking low like I have?” Ivo, of course, has but he couldn’t help but wonder how much worse Joseph’s lows were now. “Has he seen what the hell you do to your arms and thighs? Because I have! You think we’re blind? We’re not, dumbass! I just didn’t know I cared enough until you tried to kill yourself! Until you were practically knocking on death’s door! Finlay didn’t know he cared enough until he found you holding a gun to your head!”

Gun?

“We’ve all got damn issues,” Jiang continued, red faced and looking ready to poke someone’s eyes out, “okay, we all do and some people’s are harder than everyone else’s. I get it. But you don’t just fucking forgive that piece of shit for ruining your life just because he showed up. Because he says nice things and…and hugs you or whatever.” Looking exhausted as though his words had drained him, Jiang murmured “Goddammit, man, you’re worth more than that. I know it. Finlay knows it. Dumbass Skov over here knows it.”

“Hey,” the little blonde said in a wounded tone.

“We know it. Now you just need to know it. Learn it. Feel it.”

“Get out,” Joseph interrupted with soft voice. “I want you to get out.”

Jiang shook his head, snorting in harsh contempt. “Yeah, typical you, right? You don’t like what people say so you-”

“Get. Out.”

“You gonna make me?”

“Jiang,” Skov whispered with wide eyes. “Don’t push, man.”

“I’m gonna fucking push until-”

“GET OUT!”

Even Ivo could admit he’d never heard Joseph yell so loud in his life. Ever. It was scary how much he sounded like him when he couldn’t hold his temper anymore. “Joseph,” Ivo began, only wanting to calm him because having him stress was a bad idea.

He whirled on Ivo in a second, an accusing angry finger joining the fire in his eyes. Moving that quickly must’ve caused him pain because his mouth tensed and stressed. “Don’t…don’t talk to me like I’m some fucking inept stupid-”

“I am talking to you like someone who needs-”

“You don’t know what I need! How the fuck would you know, Ivo? Huh? You haven’t seen me in years! Remember? You threw me out for being a fag!”

Oh boy. Jiang had opened a door and now everyone was about to get sucked into the hate and contempt of it.

Yay.

“You beat me so bad that I had trouble moving for weeks. What the hell do you think you could possibly even know about what I need? Your bitch barely does on a good day!”

His bitch? Excuse this rude piece of shit. Resisting the urge to grab Joseph’s wrist because there was no hair and he was above all that now anyways, Ivo leaned in close, looming over Joseph as he hissed “You do not ever speak that way about your mother. Ever, Joseph Kavinsky. Do you understand?” Joseph opened his mouth, probably to spew more garbage but Ivo wasn’t done. “She has devoted her entire fucking life for you. To you and your health and your future. And you have the fucking nerve to sit here and call her a bitch, you piece of shit?”

He didn’t know if what Joseph had said registered in his mind at that was what made his eyes go wide with so many mixed emotions or if it was because of Ivo disciplining him after so many years.

“Check your mouth and check your fucking attitude and stop acting like a spoiled brat who can’t get his way. You should be kissing the goddamn ground she walks on. She’s not perfect because no one is but you’re fucking blessed to even have her. Blessed, Joseph.”

There were tears in Joseph’s eyes and any other time, Ivo would have felt bad but he didn’t right now. Vesela literally did everything and anything for Joseph, sometimes to the expense of her own health and wellbeing, and yet he had the nerve to sit here and badmouth her like she was nothing. “I-I know that.”

“Good, then don’t fucking forget it. You’re frustrated, fine, but you don’t get to take it out on the world.”

Ivo had learned that the hard way over the years.

Downcast and dropping his head to stare at where he crinkled the edge of the hospital blanket between his fingers, Joseph whispered “Sorry.”

Four years later and Joseph hadn’t changed. Ivo was both comforted and disturbed by that fact. It was good that Joseph was so forgiving and shit but, Jesus, he didn’t want his kid to get walked all over because his conscience took things harder than everyone else’s. For all Ivo knew, Finlay had a strong ass personality that could trump even Joseph’s difficult one.

He was so not letting his kid be in a relationship that he felt wasn’t fitting.

That reminded him of something he still needed to do.

“Don’t be sorry,” Ivo sighed, straightening and plopping onto the cot because his leg as killing him. It was getting worse with the years but he’d never complain because he knew that as bad as his was, Yulian’s was getting worse by the second. “I mean, be sorry for what you said but I don’t want you feeling that you have to apologize for being frustrated. You’re in a tough place and we all get that but yelling at us doesn’t help.”

Picking at his nails, Joseph just nodded, still not meeting anyone’s eyes. Jiang softly pressed his fist to the side of Joseph’s head and said “I’m a shit for yelling at you and sticking my ass in business that’s not mine.”

“That as close as you can get to a sorry?” Joseph replied, his voice so soft that it bordered a whisper. But he sounded amused so Ivo took that as a good thing. He needed to discipline but he was afraid to being that their relationship was barely standing.

But it looked like he’d taught a good lesson today.

Win for him.

Now onto his next order of business.

Snapping his fingers at Finlay who jumped in surprise, Ivo nodded his head in the direction of the door for him to follow.

Chapter Text

He couldn’t kill him in the middle of a hospital, could he?

Pft, no, he shouldn’t think so ridiculously. Threaten him, maybe, but he wasn’t going to kill him. Not here.

Maybe outside though.

Mr. Kavinsky patted the spot beside him on the bench he’d sat down on. This was good; no killing or even assault could take place right here. “Let’s chat.”

Personally, Finlay would prefer they didn’t. He’d chat with Mrs. Kavinsky any day but with this man? No fucking thank you. “Yeah, sure,” he said, him and his smile big ass liars as he sat down beside a possibly extremely dangerous man. Actually just extremely dangerous, not possibly. “What’s up?”

‘What’s up’ wasn’t rude sounding was it? He’d noticed that Joseph’s father was a stickler about manners. Ironic, really.

“Let it be noted that I have no fucking idea how to do talks like these-”

Finlay had a feeling he knew what was coming. He had to say, he’d never been on the receiving end of one of these talks so this was new for the both of them.

“-but I’m pretty sure it needs to be done.”

“We could skip it,” Finlay offered, trying to act like a totally cool cucumber. He watched once that showing a weakness, even just an itch in your eye, meant it was all over. Mobsters, gangsters, and that whole ‘group’ caught and registered each and everything that you and your body did. “We…understand each other?”

Hopefully?

“Do we?” Mr. Kavinsky asked, partially turning his body to face Finlay, resting a foot on the opposite knee. “I don’t think we do, actually. Don’t be a coward now, I expect better of you.”

Finlay blushed, raising his nail to bite on it before catching himself and sitting on his hand. Mr. K caught the movement easily and Finlay groaned, covering his face. So much for not showing weaknesses. “Can you not look at me like that?”

“I’m…literally just…looking at you. Not in any particular way.”

Taking a deep breath and doing this for his now official boyfriend, Finlay lowered his hands and put on his tough guy face. “Okay, you’re right, we should probably talk. I want to start though.”

Mr. K shrugged. “Fair enough. Shoot.”

“You’re a mobster.” Finlay started, lowering his voice on the last word just in case, “that’s not up for debate.” Joseph’s father nodded, looking entirely chill. “Okay. You scare the crap out of me. That’s also not up for debate.”

Looking confused, Mr. Kavinsky said “I feel like I’ve only been polite though? What’s there to be scared of? I’m pretty sure I’ve been nice except like…two minutes ago and even then, I didn’t chew you out as much as I wanted to.”

Just him calling him an idiot and stupid was enough to give Finlay the shivers which, really, was kind of sad. He’d faced a lot in life and yet he wasn’t able to face this man. Glancing around and lowering his voice, Finlay replied “Dude, you kill people.”

Shit.

“I mean, sir, you kill people.”

“They’ve all deserved it though.”

“That’s not the point!” he whisper-shouted though his heart wanted him to shout it properly. “You can’t just…just kill people! And I’m sure a lot of them have been tortured too.” Mr. K shrugged like ‘yeah, so?’ “Look, I’m not an innocent or haven’t seen the uglies of the world but…your profession makes me extremely uncomfortable.”

“Fair enough,” Mr. Kavinsky acknowledged, nodding slowly like he was considering what was said, “but you have nothing to worry about unless you break my child and then I break you into millions of little pieces and scattered you across the US to make sure you’re never found.” He smiled, and it was terrifying how charming it was. “No worries, Finlay.”

Finlay didn’t want to show it but he knew his eyes screamed his terror as they went wide. He was joking, right? He had to be. But what if he wasn’t? Finlay didn’t want to die that way. Would he cut him up before or after killing him? Or mayb-

Mr. Kavinsky burst into laughter, his upraised foot falling to the floor as he covered his face with his hands and leaned back onto the wall. Laughing. Laughing and- “Fuck, you’re mocking me, aren’t you?” He kept on laughing, his amusement so loud and, hell, charming, that anyone in the hall paused to stare. Without even thinking, Finlay whacked him in his arm and snapped “You’re not funny. Stop.”

Oh fucking hell.

“Are you gonna panic for hitting me now?” Mr. Kavinsky laughed, his face so red he looked ready to burst. “You’re too easy!”

He was literally sitting here and making fun of Finlay’s fears as if they were unwarranted. “Yeah, well, you’re not funny, so there,” he muttered, crossing his arms and looking away from the annoying man-child. “No one’s laughing.”

“I am,” Mr. Kavinsky snorted, his laughs done but his amusement not even close to finished. “Jesus Christ, kid, you make this so easy. But seriously though, you fuck up my kid, I fuck you up. Easy, right?”

“What if we just break up? You’re being unreasonable.”

Mr. K rolled his eyes. “I said if you fuck him up. Like maybe you’re actually an asshole who treats him like shit-”

As fucking if.

“-or maybe you cheat on him-”

Seriously?

“-or God knows what else. Then I fuck you up. You guys find out you guys aren’t right for each other? Fine, move on. That’s okay.” Snapping his fingers like he remembered something, he poked Finlay until he turned to meet his eyes. Jesus, those eyes screamed power. “No premarital sex. I’ll cut your dick off.”

He would not cup his dick in fear. No. “I’m pretty sure that’s our choice.” Finlay was also pretty sure there was no sex in their future for a long time. “Not yours.”

“Too bad for you I’m making the executive choice, huh?”

“Plus, that’s ridiculous anyways,” Finlay snorted, slightly offended. Not because he was in a rush for sex or anything but how was it okay for Joseph to have sex with all those girls? He didn’t even remember their names. “Joseph is so far from a blushing virgin, sir. So far. Those girls are not better than me. I’m actually his boyfriend; they were just there.”

“You sound jealous.”

Did he? Maybe he did. He didn’t like being denied when other people hadn’t been. Other people Joseph hadn’t even liked. “I’m just saying that we get to decide. That’s all. Saying no pre-marriage sex doesn’t make you a saint, man. You got a list of sins in there.”

“A-fucking-men,” Mr. K laughed. “It’s no secret I’m going to hell, kid. Don’t worry. At least…” he looked confused for a moment “I think I will?”

“Do people who’re already dead go to hell?” Finlay couldn’t help but wonder softly.

“Yeah, see, I don’t get it either,” Mr. Kavinsky murmured, rubbing his jaw as he stared absently out at the opposing wall. His head suddenly turned and stared at Finlay in surprise, “You know?”

“I know a lot, sir. That’s probably the only reason he’s going out with me.”

Well, hopefully not. Did Joseph find him attractive? He had to, didn’t he? Joseph wasn’t Finlay’s typical type – he actually preferred cute little twinks – but he still found Joseph nice to look at. Did Joseph find him nice to look at? Was he his type? What even was his type? He knew Jiang wasn’t Joseph’s type of guy but why not? Jiang was pretty handsome.

Mr. K nodded, thinking hard if the scrunch of his forehead was anything to go by. “Then…it wouldn’t be a stretch to say…that you know sex probably isn’t coming anytime soon.”

Hadn’t they just gone over-

Oh.

Staring down at his hands where his fingers were tearing at the little skins around his nails, Finlay murmured “I’ve put plenty of clues together, yeah. But, I mean…if everything goes good with that therapist then…that’s all that matters. That he gets better. He has…issues because of a lot of things but…this one’s one of the bigger ones, I think. Affected him in ways that maybe a person wouldn’t notice or understand until they look a little harder.”

“And you can handle that? I don’t mean this in any sort of way but Joseph isn’t easy. Add on the shitty years he’s lived here-”

“Sir, I don’t think you get to make judgements on Joseph’s well-being.”

“Excuse me?”

Giving in to the urge to bite his nail, he explained “I hate to break it to you, but I don’t think you understand your son-”

“You have the fucking nerve,” Mr. Kavinsky started, an angry light in his eyes and the downturn of the corner of his mouth freaking Finlay the fuck out, “to act like you know my child better than me? Lover boy, what the hell do you think you even understand about him? You probably barely even know anything about him to even begin to understand-”

“Yeah, well, pops man, you have a lot of nerve to act like you know anything either,” Finlay snapped and he knew he shouldn’t and he knew he needed to hold his temper but he wasn’t going to listen to this bullshit. “You haven’t seen him in years, haven’t talked to him, know nothing about what he’s been through, so you don’t get to come all up in here acting like you know anything. You don’t. Jiang’s not wrong when he says half the shit’s your fault. What the hell do you even think you know about him, huh?”

Joseph’s father was staring at him like he was stupid. “You actually think you know Joseph better than me?”

“I think I know him almost as well as your wife does.”

Snorting and rolling his eyes, Mr. Kavinsky replied “No one in this world can compete with Vesela, lover boy. Not a chance. Even Joseph himself can’t. Vesela knows more about him than me, you, and Joseph combined. As well as Vesela, my ass.”

“I actually said ‘your wife.’”

“Don’t be a smartass. And watch your damn tone while you’re at it.”

Finlay ground his jaw at this man his superiority complex. “I really don’t like you.”

Mr. Kavinsky shrugged, not caring at all. “Not a lot of people do. I’m an exotic flavor.”

“No, you’re just a piece of shit.”

“Watch yourself, Finlay,” Mr. K said, that stern tone he’d used for Joseph moments ago singeing his words. “There’s only so far you can push that disrespect. Push it too far and we have a problem.”

“Yeah?” Finlay snorted, acting way more confident than he was feeling. Inside, he was literally trembling like a fucking leaf. “No offense, but I’m pretty sure Joseph would pick me over you any day.”

“Your confidence is cute, if wrong, but if it makes you feel better, go for it.”

This bastard couldn’t possibly know that. Finlay was like…eighty percent sure he’d win in Joseph’s eyes. But…he wasn’t positive. And that bothered him. What if Joseph really would pick this garbage over him? “You haven’t been around him in years; you’re not as important as you think you are. Even Mrs. K doesn’t want you here and she loves you. Joseph loves you but he also hates you. He really likes me and even if it’s not love yet, but that still sounds better than hate, don’t you think?”

With a smirk and pulling his leg up onto the bench so his arm rested atop his upraised knee as he stared at a nurse passing by, Mr. Kavinsky said “It’s not a competition, lover boy. I’m sorry you’re so insecure in your few hour relationship that you feel the need to prove something.”

He wanted to punch him. He wanted to and he knew that if they kept on talking, he really just might. As much as he’d love to punch this frustrating man, Finlay knew that Joseph wouldn’t appreciate that and Finlay would always respect his boyfriend’s wishes.

Boyfriend.

Fuck, that felt so good.

“What are you men up to?”

They both glanced over at Mrs. K who was walking with a doctor. They stopped at Joseph’s door and Mrs. Kavinsky introduced the doctor. “He’ll be taking care of Joseph’s surgery.”

Mr. Kavinsky stood and shook the doctor’s hand, introducing himself, before looking at Mrs. K and saying “Toy?”

Toy? What the fuck?

“Toy e edinst…”

The rest of the sentence was lost on him. Completely. He had to have Joseph give him Bulgarian lessons or else once he met any other relatives, they’d all talk about him in a language he couldn’t understand.

“Finlay.”

What if they didn’t like him? What if they were racist? What if they thought he was ugly? Or what if-

“Finlay, dear, you there?”

Clearing his head, he smiled at Mrs. Kavinsky. “I am now.”

“Good,” she laughed nodding here head in the direction of the now open door. “Coming in?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said with a sigh, getting to his feet and following her in where the doctor was introducing himself to Joseph. Finlay went and stood beside Skov and Jiang who were still where they’d been.

“…I just wanted to come in personally to speak with you,” Dr…whoever said, a smile on his face. He seemed nice enough; his face the type a person trusted and his eyes sparkling like meeting Joseph was absolutely wonderful. “I like to explain to my patients what happens and what to expect.”

“Your…patient?” Joseph asked, his eyes flicking over to his mother, asking the unspoken question.

She smiled, somewhat patiently like there were no more hoops she could jump through anymore. “Dr. Park is the only reconstructive surgeon in Henrietta, baby.”

Joseph gnawed on his lip before nodding. It didn’t sit well with him, Finlay could tell from his face, but he said “Keep going.”

“The extensiveness of the damage to your arm is quite large,” Dr. Park began, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his white coat, “so our best route is a split-thickness graft. We’ll take skin from most likely your outer thigh and use that to stretch over the burns. I’ll have to mesh it and, to be honest, it’s not going to be the prettiest but there’s a higher chance of your body not rejecting the donor skin this way. The area is too large for a full-thickness graft. I’ve seen photos of the ones along your ribs but I’ll have to examine them personally, and I think those I might go the full-thickness route.”

“Depending on how large they are.”

“Exactly.”

“And…I’ll look ugly.”

“There’ll be some noticeable discoloration,” the doctor admitted, “but other than that, once it’s healed properly, you’ll be good to go. Discoloration sounds like a good trade off to me.”

Glancing at his right arm while still working that hole in his lip, Joseph murmured “Yeah, I guess.”

“You’ll stay here, if everything goes well, no more than a week then you get to go back to the comfort of your home.” Joseph said nothing, keeping his worried eyes on his arm. “Any questions?”

When the silence stretched on, Mrs. K thanked the doctor and sent him on his way before looking to Skov and Jiang. “Can you guys give us few, please?”

“We gotta go actually, anyways,” Jiang replied, avoiding everyone’s gazes and Finlay knew it was because he was thinking what Joseph’s arm must look like. Under all that badassness, the bastard was squeamish. “Um, we’ll see you, alright?”

Jiang and Skov waited for Joseph to say something but nothing ever came, his focus still entirely on his arm. When it seemed like nothing would ever come, Jiang nodded and walked out, Skov trailing behind him with his red face, still clutching the bag he’d walked in with before nearly tipping over from how hard he came to a halt. “This is for you!” he said quickly, setting the bag down on the evil chair. “Um…I hope you like it.”

Still nothing.

“Thank you, sweetheart,” Mrs. Kavinsky said, trying to get them out. “I’m sure it’s great.”

Skov nodded, even redder than before, before walking out, the door closing behind him with a soft click. Mrs. K walked over and sat herself on the edge of Joseph’s bed, raising his head with a finger under his chin. “Hey you.” Joseph blinked but no words came. “Where’s your head today?”

It was like they were the only ones in the room the way they looked at each other with such love and trust. “I’m going to look ugly.”

“You think so?” Joseph nodded like he’d never been more sure of something in his life. “Do you know when you’re most beautiful?”

“What?”

“Do you know when you’re at your most beautiful point?” With a brow raised and looking confused as fuck, Joseph shook his head. Pressing a kiss to his nose, she said softly “When you smile. Once you’re home and healthy, you’ll be smiling and be more beautiful than ever. You’ll be smiling and laughing and now loving. You won’t get more beautiful than that, sweetheart.”

It was cheesy as fuck and yet it moved Finlay to feelings he didn’t even know he had.

“So while maybe your arm will look a little different, it doesn’t mean you’re ugly, okay?” Leaning in close with a devious smile on her face, she added with a wink in Finlay’s direction “And anyways, Finlay’s going to get excited from other things. He doesn’t care about your arm. His eyes will be dropping lower.”

Joseph burst out into laughter, covering his face that was as red as Skov’s as Finlay groaned and covered his own. She was terrible. Hell, she was as bad as Jiang, swear to God. No shame those two.

“What?” she said indignantly, looking way too serious for his liking. “Am I wrong? Do you care how his arm looks?”

“Well, no, but did you have to put it like that?”

“Of course! You’re both idiots so it’s the only way.”

“You’re so embarrassing,” Joseph muttered, making sure his head was turned so far from Finlay so he couldn’t see his face. It made Finlay want to run to the other side of the bed just to catch his expression. “You have no filter, woman.”

“Oh? And you do? Or your bashtá for that matter?” Mr. K raised his hands in defense, a smile on his face. “Just because I’m a lady doesn’t mean I can’t play dirty either.”

“You’re supposed to be better than us.”

“Boring,” Mrs. Kavinsky laughed, turning Joseph’s head back to her. “My point, my beautiful boy, is that everything will be fine. We want you happy and healthy. Nobody gives a damn about some discoloration, okay?”

Joseph stared at her, utterly enraptured by his mother. Finlay knew she was everything to him and seeing them like this, he understood why. Biting the corner of his lower lip, Joseph whispered “Yeah?”

Kissing the tip of his nose again, she murmured “Yeah. Promise.”

Chapter Text

“What’s toy?” Finlay asked softly, his head resting on his crossed arms that were atop Joseph’s thigh. It was touchy but it wasn’t like…bad touchy. It was the good kind of touchy that Joseph didn’t mind and for all he knew, he didn’t mind it because it was Finlay. He happened to like the way he was gazing up at him with those eyes he adored.

“Toy?” Joseph murmured, flicking his sleepy eyes open wider because they kept drooping. His body said ‘sleep, dumbass, you’re tired’ but his brain didn’t want to. It was barely evening and his parents had both disappeared and he finally had the room just for him and Finlay again. He liked the quiet they easily set into. He didn’t want to sleep through it. “That’s a fucking toy, man, like you play with it. Duh.”

He was pretty sure Finlay rolled his eyes but he was too tired to tell properly. “No, I mean in Bulgarian. Toy? That’s a word, isn’t it?”

Oh, that’d make more sense. “He,” Joseph yawned, rubbing his eyes to try and get them awake. God, he was exhausted physically and mentally. “It means ‘he.’”

“Ah,” Finlay replied, nodding on his arms. “That’d make sense then.” Sticking his hand out and softly holding Joseph’s, Finlay rubbed it with a delicate touch while avoiding where the IV was. “You’re gonna teach me Bulgarian, yeah? I’m pretty good with languages and plus, it’ll be a bonus once I get into my career and stuff.”

His career? Did Joseph even know what Finlay liked? He knew that he liked to write but…that was about it when it came to that sort of stuff. Joseph was a horrible boyfriend. Shouldn’t he know this stuff? “Um…will you,” he ran his lip through his teeth in his worry, “will you get mad at me for not knowing what you want to be?” Finlay’s eyebrows went up in surprise. “Like, shouldn’t I know that? That sounds like relationship basics, doesn’t it?”

Sitting up, Finlay leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to Joseph’s ugly chapped bitten lips. They were nothing near the pillowiness of Finlay’s. “We’ve been together for what, half a day? We’re starting fresh and relationships grow with time. We’re not going to magically know everything even though we’ve been friends for a bit.”

“Then what do you want to be?”

Resting himself back in his previous position, Finlay said “An investigative journalist. I want to travel and bring the news of the world back home, you know? Crimes against humanity and bring them to justice by putting their faces all over the place.”

It sounded so social warrior that Joseph was surprised. But then, it didn’t matter how much of a tough guy Finlay was, there was nothing he loved more than making sure people were okay and caring for them. “That actually sounds really cool. I’m sure you’ll be great at it.”

“Not if I don’t learn some languages,” Finlay muttered, seemingly depressed by the topic. “I’m good at picking up bits of vocab but I need languages to be able to properly communicate and get stories, you know? I mean look at you: English, Bulgarian, and stupid ass Latin.”

“And Spanish,” Joseph added, trying not to rub it in while subsequently rubbing it in with a smirk. “I’m a quadruple threat.”

Finlay rolled his eyes but it was so endearing that Joseph had this stupid urge to kiss him. Not that he actually did because he was a coward. “Rubbing it in isn’t cute. And anyways, I need Bulgarian for practical purposes too. I need to keep up with your fam, man. Can’t have them talking about me behind my back.”

“I’d fuck them up if they did.”

With a soft smile, Finlay replied “I appreciate it.” He raised Joseph’s knuckles to his mouth and kissed each and every one. “Fuck, I love you.”

Joseph’s face lit up in flames. He had the urge to yank his hand away from those beautifully…soft…perfect…

Fuck.

Taking his hand away to which Finlay laughed, Joseph muttered “You can’t just go around throwing those kinds of words. God.”

“I can,” Finlay said, sitting up and leaning in close, stealing himself another kiss from Joseph’s lips, “and I will. You may not say the words yet but just you blushing is enough for me.”

His bae was such a cheesy fucker, Jesus Lord.

“Hey, Joseph?” Finlay started, suddenly extremely curious as he dragged himself up to sit on the edge of the bed instead of the cot. “Do you find me attractive?”

They were definitely not having this conversation. “Don’t ask stupid questions.”

Biting on his nail, Finlay murmured “So you do?”

What was with such a question? It sounded almost like Finlay was insecure about it. Shit…was he? And wasn’t it Joseph’s job as boyfriend to give him those reassurances? Joseph definitely knew that much because Emilio had always provided him with them when needed. Emilio was thee example of a wonderful boyfriend so he had to know what he had been doing.

Right?

Right.

Not meeting Finlay’s eyes because he may be able to say the words but he sure as fuck couldn’t do it while looking at him, Joseph replied “I’m…not gonna lie…I don’t know…? Like…I dunno if I have a type yet outside of knowing that for some reason, Jiang doesn’t work for me but then like…Skov does and Emilio definitely did.”

Maybe he wasn’t wording this right because right now, he was making it sound like Finlay wasn’t at all his thing. He wasn’t anything like Skov or Emilio.

“But I…really…” his face got hotter, magma to his flames “I really like how beautiful your eyes are.”

“My eyes?”

Yeah, he wasn’t sounding so happy. Joseph was doing this all the fuck wrong. Eating the corner of his lip, he faced this amazing boy before him and leaned in, pressing a barely there kiss. “I can look in your eyes and be lost forever in your emotions. It’s like…a gateway to somewhere else. They’re big and beautiful and never lie. And I love that. I love that I can look in your eyes and see what you’re thinking. I love that I can see how much you…”

“Love,” Finlay provided with a cheeky smile.

“Yeah, that fuck ass thing,” Joseph laughed, thinking that maybe it’d be okay if he pressed his forehead to Finlay’s “how much you love me. If I were to piss you off right now, I’d still be able to see the love under it all and…it’s comforting to know that even when my thoughts try to make me believe otherwise, your eyes will always tell me the truth.”

There was still unsureness in Finlay’s eyes that ate at Joseph. He wanted to make him feel good like the way Finlay made him feel. Amazing. Beautiful.

Perfect.

“And, well, if you want to get superficial about it,” Joseph added with a peck to Finlay’s gorgeous mouth, “these lips give me thoughts that shouldn’t be said in public,” Finlay laughed, seemingly pleased by such a simple answer “and more than once, I have caught my eyes unsuspectingly following your happy trail down and ending disappointed when I met the waistband of your pants.”

It’d happened twice, to be exact.

And…maybe once with Skov too.

Joseph wasn’t going to mention that part though.

“I may have been fucking myself out of the gay through girls but my brain knew what I was looking for.”

“That’s because your brain is a smart dude.” Joseph rolled his eyes and gave in to the need to rest his forehead against Finlay’s. It was close.

But not too close.

It felt right.

Maybe even perfect.

“My happy trail,” Finlay continued, surprisingly cheeky for someone who’d been worried not a moment ago, “leads to a very nice place, in case you were wondering.”

“I know how anatomy works, thank you.” A shadow fell on Finlay’s face as he wrapped his arms over Joseph’s shoulders and held his lips in a sweet kiss. His actions didn’t match his emotions and it only left Joseph confused. “What?”

Finlay kissed him again before putting some distance between them. “Baby, I love you. And because I love you, that means you can trust me. With anything.”

He was at a loss on what exactly Finlay was going for here. Also, all these declarations of love were weird. It wasn’t a nice thought but it was true. Joseph wasn’t in love with Finlay. At least, not yet. He liked him a lot though and he was pretty sure that was how relationships developed. “Um…okay?”

“Anything. I take all in stride.”

Finlay knew more about him than just about anyone besides his parents and Emilio. Actually…he might be beating out Emilio these days. Who would’ve thought a day like that would ever come? “Could you just straight up say what you’re going for? I don’t like all this…spinning.”

Apprehension set on Finlay’s face, tightening his eyes and mouth. There was a touch of worry in his eyes but there was also determination. “I don’t want you to ever think you owe me certain things. And we’re also not in a rush for anything but when…” he took a deep breath and Joseph had to admit, he was still confused as fuck where exactly this was all going “when you’re ready, we’ll go as slow as you need.”

Slow?

“As slow and filled with as many reassurances-”

“Oh,” Joseph said softly hiding his face by looking down at his lap, cutting off Finlay with his shameful understanding.

That.

“I’m not in a rush for anything. I’m ready when you’re ready.”

“What if I’m never ready.”

Soft lips pressed onto his cheek, the lingering burn of it grounding him in ways he didn’t even know a kiss could. “I’ll wait until you are. Take as long as you need. But in that time, letting it just sit inside isn’t going to help-”

“It was at a sleepover,” he blurted before he lost his nerve. Finlay froze, probably shocked that Joseph was even admitting to anything. But he already had not too long ago, hadn’t he? It’d been in a much more roundabout way and said nothing definitive but Finlay already knew. He knew and he wanted to wait for Joseph. Wanted to love him regardless.

If Joseph wasn’t going to trust Finlay, then he wouldn’t be able to trust anyone.

Pressing his face into his boyfriend’s chest because, yes, he was in fact hiding himself and his shame, Joseph whispered “I hadn’t been here that long and Liam was kind of a friend and he really wanted me to watch movies at his dorm so I went because I knew he wouldn’t let Jordan do anything but then…he left.”

He’d left Joseph in a den with a monster.

Joseph didn’t blame Liam; it was hardly his fault. He just…wished he’d been there for him like he was supposed to have been.

“It was the first time I tried drinking and I was kinda drunk and Jordan was definitely drunk and I knew that he’d always had a thing for me and it just…he…”

Wouldn’t take no for an answer. Wouldn’t stop. Wouldn’t let him be.

The morning after was really the only thing that was entirely clear in Joseph’s memory. The sunlight blazing into the room, revealing the truth of the night. Him getting sick. Jordan trying to comfort him like their night had meant everything to him.

Joseph didn’t understand why, but he wrapped his arms around Finlay’s waist – his right not quite cooperating as well as he wished – and kissed his shirt over his heart. It was like a thank you. Thank you for being how he was. Thank you for being understanding and caring and everything that Joseph didn’t even know he needed.

Thank you for being someone he could trust with anything.

“Do I find you attractive?” Joseph said, shutting his eyes and resting his weight onto Finlay, his boyfriend’s arms around him all the security he needed. “Yes. Because you’re everything I can trust in. You’re you and for me, that’s nothing short of perfect.”

Nothing short of perfect.

Fuck.

It felt like he should be panicking, being in way too deep for a teenage romance, but fuck if those words didn’t make him smile like a fool.

Feel like he’d just won the damn world.

Hugging back as best as he could without causing his bae pain, Finlay kissed the top his shaved head and murmured “I’ll treat you as precious as the goddamn world, baby, because you’re so damn perfect to me too.”

Joseph hummed and it almost sounded like he was amused by his words. “I don’t want to be precious like the world; I’m supposed to be your queen, you bastard.”

A smile grew on his face as he held Joseph even closer, watching the placement of his hands and how hard he squeezed. All he needed was to ruin the moment by being overeager. “Be aware that when you encourage such things, I take things far. I’ll spoil the fuck out of you.”

“I like the sound of that.” He snuggled into Finlay’s chest, his voice sounding as though he was half asleep. “I’ll spoil you too. If there’s one thing I’m good at in the relationship game, I spoil the fuck out of my bae. Also,” he paused as a huge yawn erupted from his mouth, making him squeak in pain for a quick second “I’m a romantic.”

Joseph Kavinsky…was a romantic. Kavinsky was a romantic.

Finlay wasn’t sure he knew this guy as well as he figured himself to. Mrs. K probably knew that about her son. Hell, Mr. Kavinsky probably knew that too.

Maybe he didn’t quite compete just yet.

“Hey, Joseph? Do you-” A soft snore interrupted him. “Cute. Fall asleep on me, jackass.” Kissing his head again, Finlay laughed into his hair “Fuck, I’m so gone for you.” Carefully resting him back against his pillows with the prayer he wouldn’t wake him because Joseph needed sleep like severely, Finlay got off the bed and drew up the blanket before fixing the Beanie babies surrounding him that they’d messed up. “What’re the chances your dad will kill me if I buy you more stuffed animals?”

“Very high,” Mr. Kavinsky laughed behind him, about to toss a duffel in the corner under the window before Finlay started waving his arms no. Joseph’s father paused and glanced over at his son. “Ah.” He set his duffel down nicely before plopping down on the cot and stretching out with a yawn, his shirt riding up to reveal some nice…

Nope. He wasn’t going there. But…maybe when Joseph got healthier…started filling out a bit more…

“We have entirely different body types. Hate to break your heart.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Finlay muttered as he crossed his arms, his face able to cook an egg right now. “No one likes your stupid muscles anyways.”

“My wife does so that’s all I need,” he replied with an amused snort. “If you’re looking for muscles, Joseph is not the one you’re seeking, lover boy.”

Annoyed that his only spot to sit on this side was squishing his ass on the cot with the bastard, Finlay decided that he might as well because, well, it had to be annoying to the pop man too, right? Now…did he ask him to move or…just shove himself in…

“Your life is filled with indecisiveness, isn’t it?”

“God, you’re annoying,” Finlay huffed, purposefully being rude in the way he shoved his ass on the edge beside Mr. Kavinsky’s stomach. “How does she put up with you.” He felt rather than saw the shrug. “Is it weird being dead?”

The answer took a minute like he had to mull it over. “Honestly, if Joseph hadn’t told me I was dead, I wouldn’t have known. I thought some things were weird but how does a person come to the conclusion that they’ve died and came back to life? But once he did tell me and explained it, so many things made sense.”

“Like?” He wasn’t exactly sure how a person able to take things from their head made any sense. Finlay still had trouble accepting it and he’d seen the process with his own eyes.

“Well, the big obvious one is that I stopped hearing voices.” Voices? Finlay couldn’t help but wonder why he’d picked the most complicated family of them all. “Then I found out I was missing a scar. A few memories here and there. My eye twitches a little too much. I did an x-ray for my knee before I came here as a checkup and found out one of the screws is missing. Doctors don’t understand how and decided that maybe the surgeon accidently wrote five screws instead of four.”

“He didn’t.”

“Nope. Joseph just got the number wrong.” Raising his leg up so his knee was bent, Mr. Kavinsky added “I’m not bitter about it. Hell, I deserved it. I just wished it didn’t have to be from him. He’s got enough trauma to last him a lifetime.” He jabbed Finlay in the arm, his poke feeling like a goddamn knife. Finlay scowled as was ready to snap at him but before he had the chance, Mr. Kavinsky said “And no, it’s not all from me, so don’t go there. Me and him were really close.”

“And you threw that all away for-”

“A stupid reason, yeah, yeah. Trust me, I’ve heard this all before. I didn’t just lose him, I lost everything, and I’m not even talking about my literal life. Figuratively too. My wife hates my guts, my sister-in-law hates my guts even more than she already did, her husband wants to beat my face in on a daily basis, my nephews and nieces consider me trash,” he yawned and sat up, turning so he sat beside Finlay, keeping his short-clad legs drawn up, “well, the older two. The younger ones don’t quite get it yet.”

It was sad but Finlay felt no sympathy for this fool. Or maybe it wasn’t actually sad. “You nervous for the surgery tomorrow?”

“Fucking terrified. Vesela says it’s going to be fine and she’s a very smart woman and my life has taught me to listen to smart women. She says it’ll be okay, then it’s gonna be okay.”

He felt a little better about his fear knowing that this strong mobster was scared too. “You respect her a lot.”

“You sound surprised. Vesela’s my everything. Has been my everything since I was seventeen, kid. Love and respect like that doesn’t just disappear.”

Damn. Maybe Finlay’s teenage romance will last if this guy could make his romance lead to a life of him and her. This mobster sure as hell wasn’t better than Finlay. “If I told you I want to be with Joseph for that long, would you believe me?”

“Yes,” he answered easily, not a shred of doubt in his voice, “because I can see how much he means to you even if it’s only been like ten days since we’ve met.  Also, you know, he’s your queen or whatever.”

Finlay’s face flared. That was supposed to be for them, not for this guy. Glaring at him with accusation in his eyes, he asked “How do you know about that?”

Mr. K just shrugged, a glistening of amusement in his eyes that made it feel like he was looking at Joseph. “Does it bother you that I know?”

Yes. What’d he do, snoop? This jackass. “That’s for me and him, not for you to invade.”

“It’s not an invasion if he tells me.”

Joseph told him? Why? Finlay wasn’t Jiang but Jesus fuck, Joseph couldn’t be that stupid to just…forgive him like everything was nothing, could he? Turning away and sending a glare at his sleeping love, Finlay muttered “Well, it’s still none of your business.”

“If it makes you feel better, he told me in the middle of a breakdown. There’s no way he would’ve told me otherwise. Not yet, at least. He’s not as stupid as you and Xia seem to want to paint him as. No one holds a grudge better than a Kavinsky, kid. Except maybe Ivet. And Anka, to be honest.” He laughed, shaking his head against the wall. “Who am I kidding? Any Bulgarian woman I’ve ever met.”

“I never said-”

“But you’ve thought it. You two think he’s just magically forgiven me. He hasn’t. At all. We’ve just happened to have taken a step in the right direction so far. Trust me,” he added with a snort, crossing his arms as he stared at Joseph sound asleep, “it won’t last. We Kavinskys have a problem with our tempers.”

“Oh, that you don’t even need to tell me.”

Mr. Kavinsky laughed, not even an ounce offended.

Chapter Text

“I think I’m gonna throw up.”

Vesela moved so fast that she was worried she was about to trip, grabbing the bedpan and shoving it under his chin just in time to catch his vomit.

They’d said the anesthesia might make him nauseous but this was Joseph.

Nauseous just meant vomit fest 2.0.

“That’s nasty,” Xia muttered, his mouth tightening in a queasy manner. “Gross, man.”

If Finlay hadn’t slapped Xia right atop his head, Vesela sure as hell would’ve. This wasn’t exactly the time to be his assholic self. “If you’re gonna be shit, get out. No one wants your bitch ass.”

Rubbing the back of his head with a grimace of pain as Joseph threw up the water he’d just washed his mouth down with, Xia replied “Sorry. Goddamn. Also, it’s not like he needs you defending his ass.”

“Shut up the pair of you,” Ivo muttered, looking odd as he curled up on the cot, reading a book. His frame was too large for such a maneuver but he’d been perfecting it for the entire hospital stay. “I’ll throw you both out.”

“I don’t feel good,” Joseph mumbled, it practically coming out as a whimper as he shrunk into his pillows, looking as skeletal as ever. He clumsily rubbed his eyes with the palm of his left hand which was flaunting an ugly bruise from the IV. A whine escaped his mouth, his hand wincing away from his eyes. Joseph blinked at the bruise for moment, seemingly confused, before holding his hand out to her. “It hurts.”

Setting the pan down, she softly grasped his hand by the fingers and kissed the bruise. “The IV, baby, you know that.”

“No, it hurts differently. Not like before.”

He was still half drugged from the anesthesia but he’d know his pain, wouldn’t he? And she didn’t want him getting upset for not taking him seriously. It did look more bruised than usual…and there was no such thing as too careful… “I’ll call a nurse to take a look,” she murmured, setting his hand down carefully in his lap while grabbing the room phone, dialing their listed nurse.

While she detailed to the nurse what she wanted, Finlay went around to Ivo’s side and sat down by his feet. It amazed her how comfortable they were with each other. It was strange, even, like they’d come to an understanding with one another. “I brought you a gift. And more flowers.” He pointed at the colorful assortment he’d brought, now seated in the window beside the daffodils.

Joseph’s eyes tiredly followed the movement until he reached the flowers. “They’re…so pretty. Thank you.” She knew he meant it but his voice was hoarse and exhausted, barely able to get the words out. “Can I have…my gift.”

“Of course,” Finlay replied, ducking to look under the cot, pulling out a small wrapped box. Standing up, he moved closer and set the little box on Joseph’s lap before his mouth curled in thought. “Do you want me to open it for you?” Joseph nodded, his eyes tracking every move Finlay made. “I hope you like it,” he murmured, ripping the paper off and flipping up the magnetic flap of the blue box, revealing a set of bracelets. He removed one of the thick cord bracelets, adorned with only a small silver bead in each knot, carefully sliding it onto Joseph’s wrist and pushing up the beads on the end of the two tails, tightening it to size. “What do you think?”

Joseph waited until he watched Finlay put on his own before returning his gaze to the black bracelet. Personally, Vesela thought they were beautiful in their simplicity and sweet in their gesture. “I love it,” he whispered, raising it up to his lips and rubbing it, wanting to feel the cord. He was out by two hands for the moment. “It’s perfect.”

Finlay’s face brightened to a megawatt, his smile traveling from ear to ear. “I made ‘em.”

Damn, that was even cuter.

“Hello,” the nurse said, sticking her head in after a quick knock. “I heard about some pain?”

Holding up his bruised hand, Joseph explained “It hurts.”

“Oh that’s just the IV. It happens.”

Lowering his hand, he blinked at the bruise, his eyebrows scrunching in with thought. “No…this hurts different.” He held it out again, “It’s a different…hurt.”

“Could you just take a look, please,” Vesela said, her patience wearing thinner with every passing day. She was exhausted but there was no rest for the stubborn. She was only taking him home once she was sure it was a good idea. Not before. “Let’s just make sure.”

There was a shred of doubt on the nurse’s face but she nodded and slipped on some gloves. “Of course.” Finlay moved to let her scoot in and she picked up Joseph’s bruised hand. “Bruising happens sometimes…” she murmured, carefully feeling his hand, causing him to wince every time. “Bear with me for a moment here, this might hurt.” He literally squeaked as she ever so carefully removed the IV from his hand, pressing down a cotton ball on the insertion site. “Someone hold the cotton for me please.”

Vesela reached over and pressed down on it before Ivo even had a chance to breathe. She knew he wanted to do it and she was being ridiculous by making this a competition but she didn’t care. Let her be ridiculous. “So?”

The nurse stood and went over to one of the many drawers, grabbing a small package before coming back to them. “The needle was bent in his vein.”

“Fuck, ouch,” Xia whispered, wincing as if the pain was his own as the nurse reinserted it after switching it out. “Fuck.”

“Better?” Vesela asked, kissing his forehead while wishing he still had hair she could brush back. She missed it already. Joseph nodded. “Good. Say thank you.”

“Thank you,” he called to the nurse who was cleaning his bedpan. She laughed and called back “You’re welcome. I’d say anytime but we don’t want that happening another time.”

Vesela’s phone chimed as the nurse left, with Joseph’s eyes falling shut, the last of the drugs earning him a restful sleep for however long it’d last.

Room number

“What the hell,” she muttered, dropping herself into the evil chair as Finlay scooted himself back to Joseph’s side, gazing at his sleeping love with adoring eyes. Why would Nikol ask what room? Unless…she didn’t listen to Vesela when she’d said from the very beginning not to come until he was home. She knew that too much people made things hard for Joseph to handle which is why she’d told her sister not to show up but…

No one ever said Nikol actually ever listened.

Pls tell me u didn’t

I did

“Oh, bitch,” Vesela groaned into her phone, wishing she had something to just faceplant into. Of course she just couldn’t wait another week. A week. That’s all she’d asked for. A freaking week.

“I know that groan,” Ivo laughed, still entirely focused on his reading. The world could be collapsing and Ivo would still just sit there and read. Especially since it was a new book. “It means Nikol is knocking.”

“Yeah, well, she will be for real in a couple minutes,” she sighed, not even bothering to give her the room number. She wanted it? Then she’d have to get it from the front desk. Vesela was so not encouraging this.

“I thought you told her next week.”

It showed how much more interesting the book was than the world. Any other time and Ivo would be pissed beyond belief. “I hadn’t realized that she’s ever listened to me.”

“Who?” Xia asked curiously, fixing an uplifted corner of Isha’s blanket so it covered Joseph’s foot properly.

“My sister.”

He paled, sending a swift glance Finlay’s way who wasn’t even looking. Joseph was his one and only focus. Glancing back at Vesela, then the door, he cleared his throat. “I’m, uh…”

“You can go, don’t worry,” she laughed, waving him off and tossing her phone onto the little nightstand thing beside her. “Oh wait, hold on…” she yanked the house keys out of her purse and tossed them in his direction, “go check on Walnut for me.”

“Sure thing. Swan, I’m out.” He waited to be acknowledged, rolling his eyes in the process. “Lover boy!” Finlay blinked over at Xia “I’m out. Try not to stare so hard where you make holes in your bae, yeah?”

“Fuck off,” Finlay laughed, explicitly making sure he stared super hard at Joseph’s sleeping form. “Tell Isha hi.”

“You know,” Vesela started, trying not to laugh at Finlay, “he’s not exactly wrong. You’re staring really hard over there.”

“Mr. K, you ever been in the hospital?”

“Jesus,” Ivo snorted with a laugh, turning the page in his book, “more like when haven’t I. Why?”

“Bet Mrs. K stared at you like all the time.”

“She did.”

“’Nough said.”

That was cute. They were ganging up on her. Really cute. Well, she had Joseph because he’d pick her over them any day. “Glad you two get along.”

“We just happen to sit at the same wavelength of understanding,” Finlay laughed, finding her words absurd if his confused look was anything to go by. “I actually would prefer to punch him most of the times.”

“I love him and I do too. You sure you’re ready to meet the fam? You can run like Xia, I won’t judge.”

Scrunching his nose in displeasure, Finlay snorted “Mrs. Kavinsky, I’m offended. I’m part of this fam now, you know.”

“You should run while you have the chance. Like serious-”

A knock interrupted her words.

Welp, it was his choice and his funeral.

“Hello!” Nikol exclaimed, bursting in as though the world had just been waiting for her to arrive.

Funny thing was, Vesela hadn’t realized that she’d been waiting to see her until her throat closed and tears took over any sight she might have had. “D-Don’t shout, idiot, he’s sleeping.” It seemed impossible in such a small room but somehow, they ran to each other, strangling the life goddamn life out of themselves.

It’d been so long. So long and now that she was here, Vesela didn’t want to ever let her go.

“You’re getting snot on my shoulder,” Nikol laughed, a broken laugh filled with tears, but a happy one. A happy one that Vesela finally got to hear in person again. “But I guess one for one, huh?”

Vesela nodded into her older sister’s shoulder, at a complete loss for words. She’d missed her, she’d known that she’d missed her, but seeing her was a whole other thing.

Seeing the kids was an entirely different one too.

“Hi, guys,” she laughed, wiping her tears as Andrey, Andrey who was looking like a grown man, held her in a tight hug, slightly swaying them back and forth.

“Oh my God…” Nikol whispered in shock.

“Hey, tétka, long time no see, huh?”

Somehow, he even sounded more man. Lord. “Very long time.” She broke their hug, stepping back and taking a good look at him, “Look at you all grown up.”

“He made a baby, he better be,” Ivo snorted from the cot, completely ignoring everyone. But then, it wasn’t too long ago that’d he’d seen them. A month at most, if that.

“Vesela,” Nikol said.

She glanced at Anka who…seemed like she was pissed at her. Why? “Do I not get a hi?”

“Anka’s eternally mad at the world,” Ivo supplied. “Don’t bother.”

“Vesela,” Nikol repeated from behind her.

Anka raised a brow in challenge as if there even was whatever challenge she though there was. She wanted to be pissy, fine, Vesela had enough of that to last her a lifetime. “I’m missing two babies. Where’s Albena and Timotei?”

“They stayed with tatko,” Andrey answered, going around Vesela only to freeze with wide eyes. “Holy…crap…”

It was in that one second that suddenly Xia’s head popped in. No way he could’ve gone and come back already. Not a chance. Even with his driving. “Which key is it? You’ve got like a billion. Also, can I take your car? I came with-” His eyes flicked over to Andrey, his attention now caught. “He looks like shit, huh? I know.”

“Fucking rude,” Andrey snapped, a blaze in his eyes and Vesela knew it was because he was scared. Worried. It was just how Andrey worked. “What the hell is your problem?”

“Hey, man, I’ve said it to his face, don’t worry. Huh, baby?” Joseph eyes were blinking open, sleep either not found or the room far too loud. “Good morning, sunshine.”

Joseph blinked for a moment at the people in the room before saying “I think I’m hallucinating.”

“You in fact are,” Xia replied, walking in further until he was at the foot of the bed. “What’s real was the banging sex we had yesterday.”

A sigh escaped her mouth. This boy.

“Drilled my ass like nothing, baby. A-mazing.”

Finlay was glaring at Xia, ready to hit him again. Vesela was pretty sure she wouldn’t even protest a tiny bit. “How often do you have to be stupid to feel good?”

“Not so often because your boy banged my ass to fucking nirvana.”

“I hate to break it to you,” Joseph snorted, looking a bit more aware than he had the first time he’d awakened like his power nap had helped clear his head, “but even after all these months, you are still not my type, man. Never will be.”

“I’m everyone’s type. Plus, it’s free ass, what the hell are you complaining for?”

“Ah, so you’re a cheap whore.”

“Only for you.”

Dropping his head into his hands, Finlay shook his head, seemingly despaired. Ivo stretched and patted him on the shoulder, still with his entire attention on his book. “Remember, you picked him.”

It amazed her, day after day, the way that Ivo had seemingly changed. It amazed her because Vesela just couldn’t believe it. He really did accept Joseph. He seriously didn’t care if he was gay anymore. He respected it even. He supported the relationship, made an effort with the boyfriend, even got in on gay jokes.

Who was he and what the hell had he done with her husband?

Joseph smiled before his face turned sour.

Oh boy.

She was too far but Ivo moved quicker than she would’ve expected of a guy lost in a book. He yanked the fresh bedpan over and shoved it under Joseph’s chin, a second late. But the second didn’t cost them too much at least.

“Yo, man, why you gotta always throw up while I’m standing?” Xia groaned, covering his face. “You hold alcohol better than this! What the fuck.”

Coughing up the last of his now empty stomach, Joseph wiped his mouth and nose with the collar of his gown and grimaced. “I’m gross.”

“I mean, you did puke your guts-”

“Do you ever shut up?” Anka cut in, her words as sharp and fierce as her eyes as she glared at Xia. "Like seriously. Shut up.”

“Don’t be rude, Anka,” Joseph said, looking surprisingly annoyed with his cousin. “It’s unbecoming.” He glanced over at Ivo who was cleaning the bedpan. She had to hand it to him, he had the stomach she didn’t. She’d clean it if she had to, she’d do anything she had to, but since there were nurses to do that, Vesela let them. “I need a shower.”

“No.”

“A bath.”

“Nope,” Vesela chimed, not even giving Ivo the chance because she knew that he’d agree. “You just came out of surgery, Joseph.”

She could see how hard he was fighting back mean words, his teeth looking like they were being ground down to nothing but powder. “I feel gross.”

“I’ll give you a wipe and you can clean the puke-”

“I need a bath. I need…I need to feel clean. And-and more than that sponge, I need my loofah.” His eyes lit up, flicking over to Ivo. “I need a pumice-”

“No,” Vesela snapped, everyone turning to look at her and her harshness in surprise. They could look as surprised as they’d like, it wasn’t happening. No way in hell. She’d specifically bought that sponge because she knew that no matter how hard he tried to scrub, he wouldn’t be able to hurt himself. “No stone, no loofah. When you can take a bath, there is a sponge-”

“It sucks.”

“-which you can use-”

“I need something better.”

“-to clean with. And until you can bathe-”

“Tatko, I need a bath.”

Her tongue tangled in her mouth, both her and Ivo’s jaws dropping.

Not once, since Ivo had arrived, had Joseph called him that.

Not once in four years.

She hoped Ivo saw it for what it was. It wasn’t Joseph getting comfortable with him, it wasn’t a sign of affection like it’d always been. Hell, it wasn’t even a sign of respect. All Joseph was doing was trying to manipulate his father into giving him what he wanted.

That was it.

From the hurt that flashed through Ivo’s eyes, Vesela knew he caught it. He stood there, frozen, no one else understanding the moment for what it was beside the pair of them and Joseph. Ivo stood there, clamping his mouth shut and grinding his jaw with a fist by his side.

“Tatko?”

Ivo shook his head, his hurt and anger undisguised now as he rushed out, slamming the door so hard that the reverberations were felt through the floor. Through the walls.

“Someone’s sensitive,” Joseph snorted, rolling his eyes as though he didn’t understand the extensiveness of what he’d just done. She knew he did. She knew he did even before he spoke the word. It was both a shot fired and a test.

Ivo failed on both accounts because he couldn’t take either.

There were many things her husband deserved. Many. But for some reason, this one didn’t sit well with her. This one made her heart ache for him, knowing that he was trying so hard to fix what he’d done. There was no rewind or magic band-aid, sure, but he was trying and she saw it.

Not even he deserved to have his love twisted back on him like an ugly deceptive twin.

“Guys, can you give us a minute?” she said to the room, hoping no one would fight her on this. “We’ll be quick.”

Vesela got a few curious glances and an examining one from Finlay but luckily, everyone obliged.

Good because she needed a minute with this cruel child of hers.

Chapter Text

It’d hurt much more than Ivo had expected it to.

He’d been dying to hear that word from Joseph’s mouth again. Dying. And his kid used it to try and manipulate him into getting what he wanted. Using him like he didn’t deserve to be called his father if he was a good for nothing who couldn’t even do that simple thing for him.

Was he really that worthless in Joseph’s eyes?

The door to Joseph’s room opened but Ivo didn’t raise his head to take a look at who decided to follow him out. He didn’t need to once they sat next to him. He’d know Nikol anywhere. “We got thrown out.”

“That’s nice.”

“Yo, Mr. K?”

If Joseph had told him that Xia was his boyfriend instead of Finlay, he would’ve never given them his blessings. The kid was caring in his own ways but, Jesus fucking Christ, did he just not shut up. “What.”

Keys dangled in front of his face and suddenly, a crouching Xia was in his view. “I still don’t know which key? Also-”

“Yes, you can take the damn car,” he huffed, tired from him already as he yanked the keys from his hand and singled out one before shoving it back at him. “This one. Now fuck off.”

“Someone’s touchy,” Xia snorted as he stood but Ivo heard the underlying fear in it. Good, because this kid was too much for him. A little fear never hurt. If they weren’t going to give him the respect they should, then he’d take their fear. “Yo, Swanman, tell your bae I dipped. Probs ain’t coming back today. Me and Isha got shit. Oh wait, gotta bring back the car. And keys. Fuck.”

Ivo wanted to meet this Isha who could seemingly put up with this annoying character. The kid had to be a fucking saint, goddamn. “Bring them tomorrow. Make sure you pay for gas.” Ivo had Joseph’s key in his duffel anyways and Nikol had to have rented something to drive here. If push came to shove, they could always use Finlay’s car if they had to.

“Yessir! See you, fuckers!”

“I don’t like him,” Nikol snorted, her legs crossing atop each other caught from the corner of his eye. “At all.”

“He’s an exotic flavor,” Finlay laughed, throwing shots that Ivo just wasn’t up for tossing back at the moment.

Resting his chin in the palm of his hand, Ivo said nothing as he stared at the opposite wall in defeat. He’d told Finlay that the chumminess wouldn’t last, hadn’t he? What had he expected exactly? He should’ve been ready for whatever brutal words might come his way.

Actually, he had been.

Just not that particular one.

“He looks really bad,” Nikol murmured and Ivo knew she was trying to get him to talk but he was hardly in the mood. “But Vesela said the surgery went good, yeah?”

It was like a vacuum was sucking the air out of the hall as they all waited for him to acknowledge her words. Finlay must’ve realized that he had no plans to because he answered “Yeah, doctor said it’s looking good. We just have to keep his arm elevated and make sure the donor site doesn’t catch infection.”

He didn’t add the part where they had to keep Joseph in bed for a week. They both knew that was going to be the hard part. Convince Joseph to use a bedpan for a week? Yeah, okay.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think you introduced yourself?”

“Oh sorry,” Finlay said quickly, his arm coming into Ivo’s field of view as he stretched it out for a shake. “Finlay Swan, ma’am. Nice to meet you. I’m Joseph’s boyfriend.”

If the air felt like it was being sucked into a vacuum before, it was nothing compared to now. Not even close. It was like when a person was in space and the void ate all the oxygen because there was nowhere for it to survive. “Oh…his, uh, boyfriend…that’s…um great. Really great.”

Nikol’s stupor was enough to get Ivo’s voice out. “I’m supposed to be the homophobe here, you know.”

She slapped him and he knew if he looked at her, her eyes would be screaming bloody murder for pointing out her trouble accepting it. He’d always found it amusing that Joseph being gay actually bothered her. Did Vesela know? He wasn’t sure. “I don’t mean anything. That’s great.”

“Could you sound any less convincing.”

“Don’t act like you’re superior or something,” Anka snorted, venom spitting from her mouth from how much poison was in her words.

Ivo looked up at Finlay who was examining Nikol with calculating eyes. “Have I given you shit?”

Those eyes flicked over to Ivo, a light entering them. He appreciated the fact that they…decently got along. And, hell, maybe one day when Ivo and Joseph were okay, Ivo and Finlay would be too. He liked the kid. “Nope, can’t say you have. Except when you threatened to castrate me if we had premarital sex.”

With a smug twist to his mouth, he smirked at Anka. “Don’t insinuate things you know nothing about.”

“Also when you said you’d scatter my body parts if I fuck him up. I had a nightmare last night, you know.”

“Good,” he snorted, pointing at Finlay, “remember that feeling if it ever even crosses your mind to fuck with my child.”

Finlay opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by Vesela’s voice, her words not quite clear enough to make out. She was definitely yelling though. Pissed if her tone was anything to go by. “God, she doesn’t need to be yelling at the poor thing,” Nikol muttered.

A snort erupted from Finlay who knew, like Ivo, how sharp Joseph’s tongue and attitude could be. He needed a yelling once in a while and the best one to give it to him was Vesela. Really, the only one he’d accept it from was Vesela. She was the only who had power over him in any way. The only he respected and allowed for to have that power.

Vesela’s shouts may have been muffled by the door, but Joseph’s sure weren’t. But maybe that was because Vesela yanked the door open as he yelled “Fuck you, bitch! I didn’t ask-”

She slammed the door on him.

His yells were still there, a list of obscenities flying from his mouth at warp speed. Vesela’s face was flushed and angry, her jaw tight as she grasped the bridge of her nose with a tired hand. He felt bad because, whether she wanted to acknowledge it or not, whatever their fight had been had started from her wanting to scold on Ivo’s behalf. He was flattered as fuck but he didn’t want to be the instigator of problems. He’d done enough of that.

Taking a deep breath that shuddered her whole frame, she smiled, almost sinisterly, at Finlay. She set a hand on his shoulder, “You should go comfort your bastard. He’s crying.”

“Harsh much?” Nikol asked, shock eating at her words. “God, Vesela, I mean, he’s in a hospital-”

“Nikol,” Vesela began, her false patience oozing from her voice, “this is the first time you’ve seen him in four years. What the hell makes you think that I don’t know how to deal with him?”

“By yelling. And making him cry.”

“His stupidity and stubbornness makes him cry. He’ll get over it.”

“What’s the big deal if he wants a loofah?”

He could tell Vesela was just barely stopping her eye roll. “Nikol, I know and understand my child. I know and understand exactly what he’ll do with-”

“It’s a loofah.”

Honestly, Ivo was kind of with Nikol. What danger was there of a loofah?

Eyes flashing in a way he hadn’t seen in years, Vesela snapped “Until the day comes where you have seen what I’ve seen him do to himself, you do not get to come here and tell me what’s best for him. Just don’t.”

The air felt hot as she strode off, like she’d left her fury with them. Finlay seemed to be making a decision before he shrugged and opened the door. “Can- motherfucker, I swear to God if you throw that at me, I’ll kick your scrawny ass. Don’t test-”

A bang stopped the rest of his sentence, whatever it was Joseph had threatened Finlay with slamming into the wall. Ivo had to admit, he was really curious how this was going to play out. He’d been wondering how Finlay would handle Joseph’s flaring temper.

“Alright, jackass,” Finlay said, his tone wavering on pissed while he pointed accusingly with a sharp finger, “you sit there and throw your little bitchy fit-”

“Fuck. Off.”

It was like Joseph hadn’t even spoken. “and when you feel like acting like a decent human being, I might come back-”

“Goodbye! Fuck off and have a nice day, bitch boy!”

He didn’t know what the words meant to Finlay but apparently they referenced something because his eyes flashed and his nostrils flared in his fury. “Alright. Fair enough. Play that way.” Slamming the door, he shook out the tension in his shoulders. “If you need me, I’m in the café.”

“Why not just go home?”

Finlay was already walking down the hall but he spun around and walked backwards. “A dorm room ain’t a home, sir. And anyways, he’ll get over his little tantrum in a few hours. Try not to get hit by something.”

“Are you sure they’re together?” Nikol asked, scratching at her ponytail with her chipped nails. She’d always complained since he’d known her that her nails never lasted. “He just threatened him.”

“I’m positive,” Ivo replied, yawning which made his headache a thousand times worse. It’d been aching since the Fourth and Ivo had a feeling he knew why. It was better now but in the beginning, just moving made him want to throw up. “Finlay’s so obsessed that it’s borderline creepy instead of cute. They knew each other before they got together. Enemies to lovers, one of the best tropes there is. They hated each other’s guts apparently according to Xia. But I take anything that comes out of Xia’s mouth with a bucket of salt.”

“Xia is…”

“The annoying Asian kid.”

“Ah.

“Don’t ever do that again.”

Rolling his eyes and acting like he had no clue what she was talking about, Joseph asked “Do what, mother dearest?”

His mother clenched her jaw tight. “For someone who got out of surgery not too long ago, you sure have attitude, don’t you?”

“I just want a fucking bath. Why is that a problem?”

“Joseph, you have a patch of skin missing from your thigh and your arm is now wearing it. What the hell do you think is the problem? Where’s your brain? You know you can’t-”

“I feel disgusting,” he snapped, the words causing pain in his chest. It wasn’t just the physicality of the pull on his lungs, it was that they actually hurt his heart. Just last night, he’d felt good about himself, no judgement whatsoever because Finlay said there was none. But with the fresh eyes of his tétka and his cousins, Joseph suddenly felt like he was under a microscope. That they were able to see every inch of shame written on his body.

He’d felt so dirty.

“Maybe bitch boy was too much,” Joseph sighed, dropping his head back into his pillow. It was cruel to use that phrase because he knew that it brought back memories of the stuff he’d made Finlay do in the beginning. The humiliation he’d put him through at such a stupid expense. “Fuck.”

Joseph had gone too far.

Was he still standing outside the door? Joseph needed to apologize. He needed to. That was the right thing to do. The thought of Finlay upset bothered him. This was their first official fight as a couple, wasn’t it? What if Finlay decided that it was too much stress? Maybe Joseph was too mean?

Or what if Finlay decided he wasn’t worth it? Left him?

Abandoned him like everyone else always did when he was too much trouble.

He had to apologize.

Joseph glanced around but he didn’t remember the last time he’d seen his phone. The party probably. Okay so…there was no way Finlay was just waiting for him outside…he had to go to him. That was it. Joseph had to go to him and apologize and beg him not to leave because he’s sorry and he knows he’s trash but he could be better. He could, he knew he could. All he needed was for Finlay to let him try.

Decided, Joseph pulled his raised arm out of the sling thing and carefully brought his legs down the side of the bed. There were a few pulls here and there but the pain didn’t even register to him. He needed to find Finlay and apologize. That was all that mattered right now. He just…had to find out how to get up. Tentatively, he placed a foot on the ground, pain shooting through his thigh. But he’d had worse, hadn’t he? Finlay was worth suffering for. Setting down his second foot, Joseph carefully got to his feet, standing but not quite feeling like he actually was.

His thigh hurt.

Setting down his hand on the bed to help hold himself, Joseph’s eyes went wide.

And he screamed.

He hadn’t meant to scream. In fact, he hadn’t known that he was going to scream in the first place. All Joseph had done was set his hand down to hold his weight. But the pain didn’t matter, regardless of the scream. He didn’t deserve to complain because he was the one who’d caused the pain. What was the point of his pain being acknowledged when he’d caused worse?

“What the hell are you doing?” his father snapped, rushing into the room. Joseph knew that his anger was because of his fear, he knew that but his brain wasn’t working right in the processing department, and instead of appreciating this man running to help him, Joseph felt terror. Terror that he was yelling because he was mad. Terror that he was going to be hit.

Or worse.

The belt.

His father wasn’t even wearing a belt but that didn’t matter as Joseph fell to the floor, cowering from that fear.

The agony that crossed his father’s face in that second as he froze over Joseph was something he’d never erase from his mind. Never be able to erase even if he tried to. It was suffering that Joseph had never seen.

“Joseph, I’m not…” his father whispered, his mouth slack in shock and his eyes wide with despair, “I just…I’m here to help you, brat. Help. That’s all I want to do for you.” Crouching down beside him, he stretched out a hand to hold Joseph’s bruised one, placing a kiss on the bruise. “Brat, that’s all I want. I just want to help. Because I love you.”

Finlay probably didn’t love him anymore. Hell, he probably didn’t even want him anymore. “I-I just…I need to go-”

“Joseph, you can’t go anywhere. You had surgery. They skinned your thigh. Do you get that?”

Skinned thighs had to wait. Boyfriends didn’t because they made rash decisions. “B-But I need to apologize. To Finlay. He’ll leave me for being mean and-” He cut himself off with a squeak, his father suddenly scooping him up with ease that shouldn’t be when carrying a taller man, setting him down in bed and fixing everything that needed to be fixed. “No! I need to-”

Holding his chin between firm fingers, his father said sternly “You need to sit in this bed until you’re better. Not before.”

“But Finlay!”

Some emotion crossed his father’s features that Joseph didn’t understand at all. Sorrow? A touch of fear maybe. Pity even.

Joseph didn’t want pity. He tried shoving his father’s strong arms away who was putting Joseph’s arm back in the sling but it was no use. He was just too pathetic for this powerful man. “Go away.”

He was completely ignored.

Pushing against that broad chest got him nowhere but the end of his own frustrations and confusion why he felt like he did. He was a blubbering mess who didn’t understand why he was suddenly crying, frustrated beyond belief. The only thing he did understand was that he was in pain and that he wanted it to go away and he needed to apologize to Finlay before he dumped him. “Finlay, please.”

“Joseph,” his father began softly, something Joseph didn’t even deserve from how he was treating him.

Joseph’s eyes caught on a woman staring at him with wide eyes. His tétka. His tétka was a witness to his shame and he’d never felt so disgusting in his life. Who told her she could look at him? Who said she could even come in here and invade his privacy? “Get out.”

She blinked at him in surprise, with Andrey at her shoulder doing the same. “What?”

“Get. Out.” His aunt stood there, still in her stupor. “Get out, get out, GET OUT!”

“Out, Nikol,” his father said quickly, his eyes never leaving Joseph. “Now, please.”

Annoyingly, she still just stood there, shocked in her stupid stupor. It pissed him off to no end. The feeling of not understanding why he felt like such a mess pissed him off. The tears still in his eyes even as he shouted pissed him off.

Finlay not being here when he needed him made him furious.

“GET THE FUCK OUT! OUT!”

Chapter Text

The boy who was sitting in that bed was not her nephew.

Well, obviously he was but Nikol couldn’t say that she actually saw Joseph in the pale too-thin boy laying there. He was too tall, too skinny even for Joseph, too damn pale.

Too damn angry.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard him yell like that,” Andrey murmured. “Like ever. I’ve heard him yell but that…that was something else.”

In truth, it wasn’t really just the fury that had surprised her. It’d been him. Joseph. His attitude. No, that wasn’t the right way to say it. It was his mindset that was odd. Was mindset the correct word? Something. Mentality. Mental state. Whatever the correct phrasing was, it was wrong because that wasn’t Joseph. Joseph was this brilliant boy, defiant and stubborn, yes, but always in control of himself. Strong. Unwavering, even as a child. She’d seen him break down once but now that she looked back on it, that was nothing.

That’d been just a crack being exposed. She’d never seen him break. No, not even close. Even now…she had feeling what she’d just seen was nothing at all compared to what Vesela must have been through all these years. It was her mistake; she should’ve dragged them back the minute she thought she could. But who was she kidding? She’d never have been able to.

“He’s a mess,” Andrey continued, not even caring that he was having a lone conversation. “He…always sounded so stable when we talked. I mean, it was just texting and anyone can lie through a text, sure-”

“What did you just say?” Anka cut in, her eyes turning stormy. Their relationship hadn’t been the same for years and to this day, no matter how many times Nikol asked Anka what in the fucking hell was wrong, she’d get nothing. Indifference. Annoyance.

The only thing that made her feel better about the whole situation was that she was pretty sure Yulian got the same things.

Andrey glanced up from the floor, surprised that he was actually being listened to. “What’d I say.”

“You said ‘when we talked.’ When in the hell have you talked to him?”

Oh. That was a very good point. The sentence hadn’t even registered in Nikol’s mind. Andrey blushed, turning his gaze back down to the floor, his foot suddenly tapping faster than it had been. “I…me and him…we might’ve been…texting for like…a year now. More. Since me and Ivet found out about Josephine. He was the first one I told. I took his number from tetíncho’s phone-”

“That’s stealing, dear Andrey,” Ivo snorted, his head popping out from the room. Andrey tried to sink into the floor, to hide probably, and Nikol didn’t blame him. “Go down to the café and fetch your tétka. Finlay will want to come, tell him no.”

She was pretty sure that boy was the whole reason was a mess at the moment. “But he wants Finlay. Give him to him.”

Ivo flicked the classic ‘how stupid are you’ look at her. “You don’t give naughty children what they want, Nikol. That makes them spoiled.” He snapped his fingers at Andrey, “Ass moving. Let’s go.” Andrey sighed and got to his feet, walking in the general direction of the elevator. She doubted he knew where the café was but he’d figure it out eventually.

“Ivo…”

“If you ask what’s wrong with him, I will most likely flick your nose.”

God, she always fucking hated when he’d do that. It’d been years since he’d done it; way back when, before Joseph had been born. After he beat her sister, their relationship had soured to something ugly, never quite patching itself up. If he had ever dared to flick her nose after that, she would’ve probably bit off his stupid finger. “I just-”

“Nope,” he snorted, waving his finger at her as he peeked into Joseph’s room before closing the door softly and sitting down beside her. “There’s a reason Vesela said come later rather than sooner. He’s not ready for people, Nikol.”

That was a hell of a lot more than ‘not ready for people.’ She’d thought that Vesela had wanted to keep her away for a bit because she didn’t want her to see how bad he looked. It seemed there was a lot more to it than she’d figured. “I never exactly considered myself just ‘people.’”

“You know what I mean.”

Yeah, she did. She just didn’t want to admit it. She didn’t want to admit that she’d become practically nothing in Joseph’s life. Nikol was still the only aunt, sure, but it didn’t matter anymore because she was unimportant. Hadn’t been there during some of the hardest years of his life. “There’s a lot you guys aren’t telling me.”

Ivo snorted, not even slightly amused. More like slightly pissed. “There’s a lot that Vesela isn’t telling me.”

“Do you blame her.”

“No,” Ivo sighed, shocking Nikol to no end because she hadn’t been expecting that. Ivo didn’t just give in like that. “But it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I get it, I do, but I’m still his father and I still love him and I don’t deserve to be shut out unless he decides that himself. Not her.”

Nikol wasn’t going to be the monster and mention how she saw Joseph cower only a second ago. It was a good thing Anka hadn’t seen it because she definitely would’ve. “He’s not the same. Ow!” she snapped, rubbing her nose where he had in fact flicked her after eighteen damn years. “You piece of shit!”

Looking at her bored and unamused, Ivo snorted “He’s exactly the same. You haven’t even spent a minute with him to know. He’s still a nerd, he still loves cars, he still can recite every animal in existence, he’s still my mini-me.”

“Don’t make that sound like a good thing,” Anka muttered, giving him the evil eye.

Ivo completely ignored her. “He’s still him. He’s still Joseph. He’s just…angrier.” He laughed, shaking his head as he stared out at the wall, leaning back into the seat. “He’s me. Sadly.”

“Well, gay you.” Nikol bit her chipped thumbnail, “I just don’t get how he’s gay though.”

It sounded horrible, she knew it sounded horrible but…she seriously didn’t get it. Nikol didn’t think of herself as homophobic; in fact, she didn’t even care that people could be and were gay. Man or woman. That’s what they wanted in life, then by all means, they should go for what made them happy.

She just never had expected it to happen in her family.

Ivo crossed his arms and rested his head on the wall behind them, staring up at the ugly crown molding opposite of them. “I’m…not the best at explaining this but if he finds that a man is where his eyes go…then that’s just how God made him.”

Nikol wasn’t the most religious of sorts but even she knew that to them, in their church, homosexuality was a sin. If it was, how and why did God make people that way?

“And we don’t get to go around judging how God made people. That’s that.”

“Not the most poetic of speeches,” Nikol mused, her eyes catching on Andrey, Vesela, and the boyfriend walking over. “But not bad coming from you.” She pointed at the boyfriend, something with an ‘F.’ “How long have you been the boyfriend?”

“I thought I told you not to come up,” Ivo muttered, giving the boyfriend a look to which the boy simply rolled his eyes and leaned against the wall across from them. “Duh, Finlay.”

Finlay, right. “I’m not gonna go in. I ain’t stupid. I’ve never let him get away with his bull and I ain’t starting today, thank you.” His eyes flicked over to Nikol, “And it’s been,” he pulled out his phone and glanced at the time, “almost exactly two days, ma’am.”

Oh. That was it? This kid was busy posturing as the boyfriend and it had barely been forty-eight hours? “That’s…nothing.”

Finlay’s nostrils flared and his mouth twitched as he crossed his arms, a look of defiance challenging her. “Ma’am, I don’t know how well you know your nephew, but as of two weeks ago, he was still homophobic. Us actually being an official thing is like finding out you just won the lottery.”

“I don’t think Joseph is much of a lottery win,” Anka snorted in amusement, the closest thing she gave in terms of laughs nowadays. “He’s my cousin and I love him but he looks like crap and I don’t mean because he’s been through hell the past couple weeks. He looks like a junkie.”

“He is a junkie and he’s been through hell for the past couple years,” Finlay amended, that challenging glint even brighter than before. “You ever had to talk someone down from blowing out their brains? They don’t just magically get out of their hole because you managed to get the gun away.” Something clicked then, his eyes going wide. “Oh fuck… It was in July…”

Joseph had had a gun held to his head.

Joseph had had a gun.

“And…?” Ivo asked, not even fazed by the gun. Either he already knew or it just wasn’t enough to shock him.

“Nothing,” Finlay said quickly, shaking his head like he was erasing whatever trail he had built. “Nothing. Anyways, point is, you can’t begin to assume the things he’s been through. I can’t even because while I get most of it, I don’t know all of it. But I love him and to me, him saying yes to me did feel like winning the lottery because I know where he started. Where we started.” He laughed and shrugged, a dirty smirk on his face. “And I found out I’ve got kink for dudes with tongue studs. There’s no going back for me now.”

Wow. Nikol was pretty sure she didn’t even want to know that. She didn’t even know he had a stud and really, she didn’t think she cared to know anyways.

“Also, the dude can kiss. Damn.”

“You can stop now.”

“Am I making you uncomfortable? Mrs. K loves a good dirty joke.”

“I do,” Vesela laughed, not even concerned to go check on her child who just threw a freaking tantrum. In fact, Ivo had just walked out like nothing. That was weird, wasn’t it? Had he fallen asleep? “Joseph hates them when they’re about him. I tell him it’s good for him.”

“We’ve made out three times already,” Finlay continued, looking particularly proud of himself, his smirk growing into an unstoppable cheeky smile. “Once in my bed, once on his car, and once here. Fabulous, lemme tell you. You guys are privy to know. If Jiang finds out I haven’t told him yet, he’ll be pissed even though that’s hypocritical because if you ask him anything about what goes on between him and Isha, he throws a pissy fit.”

She didn’t give a damn about that Jiang kid. “On not in?”

“Yup,” Finlay nodded, looking as proud as ever, “it was hot as fuck. The day before he tried to kill himself actually.” He paused, rubbing his mouth as if in memory, “That asshole loves dramatic goodbyes, doesn’t he? Last make out, last kiss, burn down the whole drag strip after kidnapping Lynch’s brother-”

“I’m sorry, did you say kidnap?” Ivo asked, sitting up straight now, in full focus. Kidnapping was apparently the only thing left to shock him. “Like…taking someone?”

Finlay nodded, looking non too pleased. “Him and Lynch got bad shit between ‘em. Dunno what, he wouldn’t tell me. Well…” Finlay’s face flushed for a minute, not meeting anyways eyes, “I think he…might’ve had a thing for him. No idea why. Lynch is bullshit. Handsome, yeah, but like, not worth it.”

“Your jealousy is showing,” Ivo laughed, stretching his long legs out and his arms to the sky. “And this Lynch-” Ivo halted mid-speech, his mouth twisting in that way that it did when he was thinking before he laughed. “Lynch. He wouldn’t happen to be the son of a ‘Niall,’ would he?”

Both surprise and curiosity sparked in Finlay’s big dark eyes. “Yeah, I think that’s his dad’s name. It’s kinda creepy though; his head was bashed in with a fucking tire iron in his driveway. Sounds like something you’d do, to be honest.”

“Nah, too messy,” Ivo snorted, scratching along his jaw, not even mildly offended. “Way too messy for no reason. Unless whoever killed him was leaving a message than entirely appropriate.”

“You ever leave a message like that?”

“Personally? No. Through people…” Ivo just shrugged, including his hands in on the movement with a smile on his face. “That’s up to you to decide.”

“Oh, um…should I leave?”

Turning along with everyone else, she stared at a slim blonde kid, just a couple inches taller than Anka. He had two bags – one in each hand – and a nervous smile on his face. “Two gifts?” Finlay asked, the question seeming like it gave the kid the courage to walk closer and stand beside Finlay. “It’s no fair if I’m not allowed to bring gifts and you are.”

“Hey,” Ivo snorted, crossing his arms, “I said until he gets a bigger room or goes home, not that you can never bring anything. I’ve never had allergies in my life and I’m pretty sure your flowers are killing me slowly on the inside.” He nodded at little blondey. “Why two?”

From his blushing face and trembling hands, Nikol had a feeling this boy was scared of Ivo. Honestly, though, she didn’t blame him. Ivo could be terrifying. “Um…um, well,” he cut himself off with a pained yelp as Finlay slapped him on the back and rolled his eyes. “Ow! I was getting there!”

“Dude, my flowers are killing him. Don’t worry, he can’t kill you with an allergy-riddled body.”

Looking annoyed as hell, the blonde boy said “One is because he had surgery and that’s what you do when someone gets out of surgery and the other is a ‘happy coming out’ gift because that’s what people should do because it’s not easy for a person to tell such a deep secret when it’s caused them so much pain. Yesterday’s gift was ‘yay! You’re not dead!’”

“You think I should get something for those too then?” Finlay mumbled, scratching under his ear. “I shouldn’t be empty handed.”

“Please stop getting things,” Ivo sighed. “You love him, he gets it. No more flowers. No more stuffed animals. He can’t eat sweets right now.”

“I could get books.”

“Did he open my gift yesterday?” the blonde interrupted, eyes wide and curious. “Did he like it?” He blinked in confusion for a moment, glancing around at everyone. “Why is everyone outside? I thought we’re not supposed to leave him alone.”

“Oh, he cried himself to sleep,” Ivo answered. He didn’t seem bothered by his words. In fact, to him, it just seemed like that was the way it was supposed to be. “He had a bit of a tantrum and then he decided that he was going to go find you,” he pointed an accusing finger at Finlay “to apologize because he was convinced you’d dump him. He nearly popped the stitches in his thigh and arm” Finlay’s eyes went wide with panic “because he was trying to walk around.”

“Why do you guys make everything sound like it’s not a big deal?” Nikol couldn’t help but snap, giving both her sister and brother-in-law glares. Typical of course, they returned them without a care. Like Nikol’s annoyance didn’t do a thing to affect them. It probably didn’t. “For God’s sake, can you two act like you care a little more or something?”

It was harsh, she knew it. “Don’t you fucking dare,” Vesela hissed, her body going taunt like a rubber band ready to snap with her fists clenched tight by her sides. “Don’t you dare. You’ve been here for not even a day. You don’t get to make judgements-”

“He’s a freaking mess, Vesela! And he sounds close to insane, you realize that, right? Shouting one second and crying the next?” She wanted to snap at some stupid Asian lady just standing there watching them but she wasn’t done with her sister yet. “What is he, a woman pms-ing?”

“No, he’s just a young man going through a rough time,” the short woman laughed as if anything at all was funny. “And some of his days are a little rougher than others.”

“Who the hell are you?”

“Dr. Cindee Cho,” the woman answered with a soft smile that Nikol had to admit, had some weird calming effect to it. “I’m, for the time being, Joseph’s therapist.”

Therapist. “Does he need a therapist?” Ivo snorted so loud that everyone gave him a look. But not everyone’s looks were the same because it seemed to be only Nikol bothered by him. “I’m just surprised,” she explained, smiling back at the doctor and wishing she could yank her younger sister to the side so they could have a good long talk about keeping things from her. “I didn’t know he needed one. How long have you been working with him?”

“Oh, I’m still in what he’d call the probationary stages,” Dr. Cho laughed, easily answering and yet not answering her question. She spoke to Vesela, “I know he had surgery today so I just want to say hello if that’s okay. Let him know I got around to that cheesecake. I tried a different brand and I think it can grow on me.”

Vesela laughed, looking more at ease with this woman than she did with Nikol. It pissed her off, really. “You’re more than welcome. I think he’s still asleep but you can go ahead and take a peek.”

Chapter Text

It was one question today instead of twenty. Because of that, the rule was that they had to give an honest full answer.

What are you scared of, Joseph?

“Everything,” Joseph laughed. He laughed but he was sad and hurt and stuck in the conundrum that was his emotions. “Everything.”

Dr. Cho nodded, seeming like she was processing his answer really well. Joseph had awakened to her sitting on the cot, sketching in her notepad. It’d surprised him but somehow, he’d found himself pleased from the surprise. She was the fresh face he needed right now. “We agreed on honest full answers.”

“Oh trust me, that is incredibly honest and all-encompassing,” Joseph replied, the corner of his mouth twitching up like it was attempting to smile. He still hadn’t apologized to Finlay and it made him feel horrible. His mother had come in earlier and assured him that Finlay had only gone home to shower and relax for the day. He would be coming back tonight.

Joseph knew she wasn’t lying but he was still worried.

“Well then can you elaborate for me?”

Elaborate. That could take a while. Joseph seriously was afraid of everything. Biting on his cracked lip, Joseph stared down at his good hand, unable to look at the other which was up in the sling. There had been pain for a bit but his mother had made sure that it’d been managed before going back out to give him and Dr. Cho alone time. “The dark scares me the most,” he whispered, heat filling his face as shame filled his chest. He couldn’t seem to find a way to grow out of this one. With every passing year, it only got worse instead of better.

“It can be a scary place,” Dr. Cho murmured, pushing her round glasses up her nose. “It’s filled with much more than most people realize.”

She almost sounded like she got it. Did she? But then…she was a therapist, versed in many ways of psychology, so maybe she just knew how to talk. To act like she understood him. “Oh yeah? Enlighten me then.” Dr. Cho smiled, almost like he just fulfilled her dreams. Something told him that somehow, he’d just played into her hands.

And Joseph realized that he in fact had.

“You’re a smart one,” he muttered, rolling his eyes and wishing so badly that he could cross his arms in the defiance he was feeling.

“I know you don’t trust me yet,” Dr. Cho said, leaning forward on her legs, “I understand that. But if it makes you feel better, I tried cheesecake again. I think I can get behind the brand I ate.”

Joseph tried his hardest not to smile. He really really did but he couldn’t help it. She’d tried cheesecake again just for him. Now that was a devoted therapist. “Oh yeah?” She nodded. “Well then, doctor, you and me might be on the right track somewhere.”

“Have you ever gotten lost? Taken a wrong turn?”

Joseph considered the rando ass question for a moment while petting Saint Bernard Finlay. “Honestly? I don’t think so. I’m pretty damn good with directions. Even when I got here, I figured out the streets easily. The closest thing to lost would be…” What would it be? He didn’t typically get lost… “I wandered in Jersey City once. But I wasn’t exactly lost, just wandering to clear my head. Once I was paying attention again, I got home easily. Well,” Joseph couldn’t but interrupt himself with a laugh, “I was on the right track but my uncle found me and drove me home.”

The sudden urge to talk to tetíncho Yulian hit him hard.

“Do you get more lost in the dark?”

Flipping questions. She was good. Very good. “Who doesn’t?”

Dr. Cho nodded, smiling at his avoidance tactics. “We promised honest answers. Curves don’t count. Let’s talk about the dark and we’ll worry about the rest of ‘everything’ later.” Joseph surprised himself when he nodded. He couldn’t believe he was actually agreeing. But his agreement made her smile glow and Joseph couldn’t help but preen at that approval. “When did you start fearing the dark?”

“I guess from when I was little,” he replied with a shrug. “All kids are scared of the dark for a time. But…mine grew instead of lessened. I’ve…had one too many bad experiences in the dark. Accumulate that with…” severe nightmares, he wanted to laugh, along with a fucked brain “with other factors and…yeah…”

“How about we dig into those experiences? One at a time.”

Joseph clutched Saint Bernard Finlay closer to his stomach, keeping his thumb petting his little head. He wanted the real Finlay but real Finlay needed rest and Joseph wanted him to have as much as he needed. “I’m…I’m sure you’ve heard a lot of rumors about me, yeah?” Dr. Cho shrugged. “I know that you probably don’t really consider them because you seem the type who likes to form her own opinions but…”

“There’s some truth hiding in a few?”

“My dad really is a mobster,” Joseph replied as he nodded. “That’s not a lie. And, well, he’s a big cheese in the tri-state area. Big cheeses make enemies.”

“I bet those enemies tried one or two times to take it out on the baby cheese.”

Laughing despite the seriousness of the subject he was about to delve into, Joseph said “Yeah. When I was seven, a guy who used to work for him kidnapped me from the street.”

It was funny putting this into words after so many years. It’d been a decade, more, and besides for the once when he cried his heart out to Emilio about it, this was the only time he’d spoken the words aloud. He was speaking them aloud and yet, he was indifferent about it. Too much had happened in his life afterwards that this seemed so small in comparison. Anton still haunted him at his worst moments but bigger demons had taken over up to this point.

“I’d been making a snowman,” he continued, an almost nostalgic feeling taking over. “I was looking for rocks for the smile. He snatched me and broke my favorite bracelet. And my arm.”

“I see the bracelet was a bit more important,” Dr. Cho pointed out in amusement.

“It was irreplaceable but my grandfather had a jeweler make me a replica of it for my eighth birthday. Anyways, dude snatches me, I wake up in a dark ass closet. I stayed there for a night and my dad and grandfather got me back the next day.” He paused, staring down at little Finlay as he played with his ear. “I knew that my grandfather would do anything to get me back. But…it wasn’t until that day that I knew that my father would too.”

“You had your doubts.”

“I was only seven but I was aware enough to take note of how I was treated compared to everyone else. Mobsters have an outside and an inside, Ms. Cho, and sometimes, my dad’s outside came home with him. It wasn’t until someone took me away that the both of us realized that we wanted and could be better than what we were. It wasn’t until someone tried to kill his child that he found a way to keep his promise to be everything his father wasn’t. To make sure that he wasn’t everything that he’d hated in his own father.”

“You hold that against him.”

He used to. “It bothered me how it took something so drastic for him to be able to tell me he loved me. But that was before. I forgave him for that long ago. His life wasn’t easy and I know that’s not an excuse but that also means that I can understand and…” Brushing away the tears building up in his eyes, Joseph whispered down at little Finlay “And I’ve spent my whole life wishing people would just try to understand me. Understand my feelings. My frustrations. My pain. If I spend my time putting my effort to understand someone, then they’d take their time to understand me. By me trying to understand them and them trying to understand me, we help each other in understanding ourselves.”

They might’ve spent years apart which had widened a hell of a gap but there were parts of him that only his father ever understood. And there were parts of his father that only Joseph understood.

“In the dark of that closet,” Joseph murmured, wishing that he had Mr. Cat clutched tight in his arm, “I was scared of dying. Of being hurt more than I was. But I was more afraid of facing the truth that my dad might not care enough to want me back. That day, they let me talk to him on the phone and in that one minute we got to speak, for the first time in my tiny seven years, I heard fear in his voice. Fear. Fear for me and I’d never felt so…amazed at him before.”

There was the crinkle of a page and Joseph knew she was writing but he couldn’t find it within himself to mind. “It shocked you.”

“People think,” Joseph began softly, “that kids don’t understand things. That they’re unaware to the world. But by the time I was four, I already knew how to dissect my father’s tone of voice. To anyone outside, it would just sound normal. Charming even. But I paid attention to every little nuance, every little dip or rise of tone, so I knew how to read him. I listened because when I paid hard enough attention, I’d know when to stay out of sight, when to put on a smile, or when to stay quiet. No one except my mother would have been able to tell that he was afraid that day.”

“But you did.”

Joseph nodded, biting his lip as he thought for a moment. “My dad was scared for me. And hearing that fear in his voice is to this day one of the happiest moments in my life. Because I found out that day that he really does love me even if he’s shit at showing it sometimes.”

“Do you like having him here with you?”

“Yes,” Joseph said, not sparing a second in answering because it was truth. It meant everything that he was here. “I feel safer when he’s around because I know that he’d go to hell for me. I know that, even in my most hateful thoughts. Even in the times where I’m so confused on what and why I’m feeling a certain way, I know that my parents would do anything for me. Have done almost anything for me.”

“Do you get confused a lot about how you feel, Joseph?”

He blinked up at her and laughed. Did he? Yeah, yeah he did.

Every freaking fucking minute.

“You know why I’m so scared of the dark, Ms. Cho?” She shook her head, her face open and earnest and ready for anything he might say. He didn’t know why, but it made him feel good. “Sure, there’s monsters under the bed or in the closet and, yeah, I can’t see anything which makes my heart ready to burst out of my chest. I’ve been in locked closets, car trunks, and abandoned buildings. The dark gives me nightmares scarier than any horror movie. But none of those things are what makes me so terrified.”

What scared him the most about the dark was something much different.

“In the dark, there’s nothing but the truth. And that, doctor, is scarier than anything else.”

It scared him more than anything. There was no running no matter how fast you tried to go.

“When you’re in the dark, there’s nothing but you. Me and my head and my thoughts. I have no choice but to start thinking because I’m the only one there. I’m the only one I can see. During the day, I can busy myself with a million things to shut down my brain but in the night, in the pitch blackness, there’s only ever me. Me, my doubts, my fears, my hate, and my pain. And not one of those things do I understand.” He clenched his jaw for a moment, holding back the burn in his throat and hoping to stop it from coming through to his voice. “I’m scared of the dark because there’s only me and I’m scared of me because I just don’t understand a thing about myself.”

Only when she held out a tissue box for him did he realize that he was crying. Pulling out a couple with which he wiped his nose and eyes, Joseph cried “If me, Joseph Kavinsky, doesn’t understand a thing about myself, or about my emotions, or feelings, or frustrations, how i-in the fucking hell are p-people going to be able to? If I don’t know why I’m upset or mad or crying, how are people – my parents, my freaking boyfriend – supposed to? Why be around someone who’s too stupid to understand themselves? Why bother to be with me when I’m not worth the time? Nothing is stopping anyone from leaving me behind a-and I don’t even blame them. Because I…don’t get me either.”

“Are you afraid they’re going to abandon you?”

“I wouldn’t blame them,” Joseph repeated, his voice cracking on every word as he took another tissue. “What am I scared of? Of the dark, Ms. Cho, because all I can find there is me and I’m scared of me because I don’t even know who or what the fuck I am. And that terrifies me more than anything else ever could. A person should be able to understand themselves and I don’t understand a single thing.” Picking up Saint Bernard Finlay and staring into those brown eyes that were almost as deep and as soulful as the real Finlay, Joseph whispered “If I don’t understand me, why would anyone else?”

More than half the time, Joseph couldn’t even decipher his own emotions. Words never seemed to capture the way he felt. More than half the time, Joseph felt more lost than even could be imagined.

More than half the time, Joseph just wished he could understand his feelings so that other people could understand him too.

Chapter Text

“What up, Mr. K?” Finlay laughed as he walked up behind the older man getting himself even more coffee. If he weren’t dead already, Finlay just might be concerned that he’d have a heart attack from all that caffeine. “Can you buy me a smoothie?”

Joseph’s father didn’t bother turning as he paid the cashier, no suspicion at Finlay apparently. Good because that’d been what he’d been hoping for. He wanted the full element of this man’s reaction once he turned. “Yeah, sure. Add a…”

“Mango,” Finlay supplied, clutching Fluffs tight against his body. The cashier was giving him this huge ‘fuck’ smile so Finlay winked to make the dude happy.

“A mango smoothie, please,” Mr. Kavinsky said, handing over a few extra dollars. “Thanks.”

In three, two, one…

“What the fuck is that.”

Finlay broke into raucous laughter, maybe a little too loud for this time of evening. But he couldn’t help it from the dumbfounded look on Mr. Kavinsky’s face as he stared down Fluffs. “Do you like him?”

Mr. Kavinsky stared at Fluffs for a few seconds longer before turning annoyed eyes on Finlay. He hadn’t planned on showing him first but he and Skov had been passing the café and Finlay had caught Joseph’s father waiting in line on his phone. He decided that he was going to bug him a bit.

Skov, of course, vehemently opposed the idea, deciding that he’d prefer to wait by the elevator.

Coward.

“I…” he shut his eyes for a moment before reopening them “You did this on purpose.”

“Hell yeah.”

Shaking his head as his mouth did this smile yet frown maneuver, Mr. K snorted “Fuck you, kid, fuck you and your passive aggressiveness. Jesus Christ. Grab your goddamn smoothie.”

“No hands, pops.”

Rolling his eyes – where Joseph had gotten it from – Mr. Kavinsky grabbed the drink from the counter and led the way out of the café. “I thought you were too tired to come back today.”

Oh, he’d definitely been too tired but something told him his bae needed him and there’d been a burning desire to kiss him goodnight so here Finlay was. “I wanted to kiss him goodnight in front of your sister-in-law.”

“Yup, passive aggressive.” He hardly sounded annoyed though. In fact, Joseph’s father sounded like he approved. Skov came into view, holding a bag in each hand because he hadn’t been willing to let someone give them to Joseph for him when he’d left earlier. “Ah, little blondie came too?”

“Try not to scare him too much. Elevators are close quarters, you know.”

Skov was about to smile for Finlay, he could tell, but then his half-formed smile morphed into a horrified ‘o’ before he blushed and smiled again. Much less of an inviting smile and more of a ‘uh…yo.’ “Hi, Mr. Kavinsky.”

“Bl…ake? was it?” Skov nodded as he pushed the up button. “Why didn’t you stop this idiot?”

That actually got a laugh out of the tiny blonde as they walked in and went up on their way. “We met up here and I was just as shocked.” An annoyed glint flashed in Finlay’s direction. “Because, you know, I had no idea about these feelings that no one wanted to share with me.”

“We didn’t share with anyone,” Finlay sighed, exhausted that they’d been through this a gazillion times already. This boy was always so damn sensitive. “No one knew, man. I’ve told you his already.”

“Jiang knew. Jiang knows.”

“Jiang’s a perceptive bastard,” Finlay tried to explain as they walked out the elevator and down the hall. “He knew I liked Joseph before I even knew I liked him, alright? Jesus, man, take a fucking breather or you’ll end up with blood pressure or something.”

“Everyone has blood pressure,” Skov snorted and Finlay didn’t need to look at him to know he rolled his eyes. He didn’t even need to look at Mr. K to know that he was amused as fuck by all this. “If you’re talking about high blood pressure, then it’s called hypertension.”

“Listen, smartass, don’t make me hit you.”

“Please shut up the pair of you,” Mr. Kavinsky sighed as he opened the door to Joseph’s room and walked in. “Your boyfriend is an extra sort of bastard, isn’t he?”

He heard but couldn’t really see Joseph snort in amusement because Finlay was making sure Fluffs was up front and center as he walked in. “What do you think?” Finlay said with the straightest face he could muster as he peeked around Fluffs at his bae looking exhausted as fuck in bed with his jaw unhinged. Technically, they hadn’t made up but Finlay was going to let it go. By the looks of it, Joseph had had a rough day. “Tadaa!”

Joseph snorted, a painful sounding one like he was holding back, before he let his laughter explode out, his head being thrown back into his pillow and his good hand covering his face as best as it could. He was literally turning red as he laughed so beautifully like Finlay had never heard.

Finlay grinned. He was feeling like a damn winner right now.

“Do you like him?”

Skov squeezed by and glanced around nervously for a spot to sit but there was of course none. The room was small as it was and now they had three extra people who didn’t seem to want to leave yet, Mr. K, Mrs. K, and now him and Skov.

Way too cramped. But it showed how much they cared, right?

Eventually, Skov settled on standing beside the cot, trying to make himself as tiny as possible as he stood next to where Mr. K sat, sipping his coffee. Mr. K held out Finlay’s smoothie, “You want it?”

“Hey, hey,” Finlay griped to the sound of Joseph’s laughs going down. “That’s mine. You can’t give it away.”

“I was foolish when I bought it. I should’ve turned around first.” He nudged Skov with the smoothie, “Take it.”

“He doesn’t like mango. Stop giving away my shit, man. Sir. Dude. Person. Yo.”

“Yo doesn’t even work.”

“Unless you’re Jiang,” Joseph laughed, holding out his working arm. “Gimme, gimme. I want my bear.”

As if he’d just give it to him. Ha. Walking over – it was a squeeze for him and Fluffs – and purposefully stuffing himself in front of the aunt because he wanted her to be front and center for this, Finlay set Fluffs in Joseph’s lap – a bit of a struggle on account of how large he was – and leaned in, capturing Joseph’s lips in a yumtastic kiss.

Yeah, yumtastic, bitches.

Just to make sure he covered all angles that might need covering, he whispered against the mouth that’d be even more fabulous once Finlay finally got that chapstick “You’re forgiven. Don’t worry about it.”

Pure pleasure ran through Joseph’s eyes as they lit up and his mouth curved into a beautiful smile. Jesus, this guy could get under his skin easy. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, asshole. Next time, I kick your ass.”

“Fair enough,” Joseph replied, his smile even bigger than before. “But of course, you’d have to actually win to do that, yeah?”

Straightening and crossing his arms with a snort, Finlay asked “You actually think you can beat me? Bitch, when have you ever beaten me in a fight? The only thing on your side is your height.”

“And my knife,” Joseph said with a wink to his overdone smile. “No one said I had to play fair. I won that one time if you recall.”

“Ehm,” Skov interrupted before actually clearing his throat for real so they’d look at him. He raised his arm and tapped the long thin scar, the bag hooked on his wrist waving with the motion. “I recall, thank you very much.”

One of Joseph’s fingers on his hand clutching Fluffs by the middle twitched and he sounded substantially less happy. Finlay did not approve of Skov’s reminder. “Why the fuck you gotta be morbid about it? I apologized.” Skov pursed his lips. “Don’t be a bitchy Buster. God.”

“A bitchy Buster.”

“Yup,” Joseph replied, turning his attention to Fluffs, apparently done with the conversation. Patting Fluffs big pleather nose, Joseph murmured “He needs a name…”

“I already named him,” Finlay said. “He’s Fluffs.”

“And I thought Joseph was bad at names,” Mr. Kavinsky muttered darkly. “Jesus fucking Christ.”

“Blasphemy,” Joseph yawned, rubbing Fluffs head slowly like he was enjoying the soft brown fur. Finlay had hugged three different stuffed animals to find the fluffiest. Looking tired as hell, he stared up at Finlay from the comfort of his pillow, blinking slowly from the need to sleep. Hopefully Skov would give him the presents first because he’d have a fit if another day went by without Joseph opening them. “I love him. Thank you.”

For some reason, those sleepy eyes made him blush and his blood to go south like it shouldn’t right now. It was definitely not the time for dirty thoughts. Stealing those lips for his own again and hoping he was making the aunt lady uncomfortable, Finlay whispered so low that only Joseph could make out each individual word “You’re welcome, my queen.”

Joseph’s mouth stretched into a smile, almost a smirk, as he sucked in Finlay’s bottom lip, nursing it like it was the most amazing thing in the world. If he was having problems keeping the blood up in his head before, it was a lost cause now and fucking embarrassing in a room full of people. Skov wouldn’t have been a problem but everyone else sure was.

“Oh-kay,” the aunt cut in, “there are people sitting.”

Letting off Finlay’s lip, Joseph peeked around Finlay and smiled. But it was a nasty smile. It was the Kavinsky smile. “If you don’t like what you see, then you can fuck off, Nikol.”

“Joseph,” Mr. Kavinsky warned, a hardness matching in both eyes and tone. “Respect.”

“Sorry,” though he sure didn’t look it, “If you don’t like what you see, then you can fuck off, tétka.” If anything, the sentence came out even nastier than before. Not that Finlay disagreed with him but he didn’t have to be so…Kavinsky about it. “It is my room and in the confines of my room, I get to do as I please provided it does not endanger my health. Kissing my boyfriend” he stressed the word in such a breathy tone that Finlay knew that unless he has the coldest shower today, there was no rest for him, “is actually very good for my health.”

“It’s good for mine too,” Finlay agreed as he rubbed at his swollen lip. “Really good.”

“I hate both of you,” Skov muttered darkly, crossing his arms and sending the evilest puppy glare he could their way. “I should be angry and yet here I am thinking you guys are cute. Ugh.”

“Aw,” Joseph crooned and there was a spark of Kavinsky there but the Kavinsky that loved to annoy people. Embarrass them. A part of Kavinsky that was probably as close as it came to Joseph’s personality. “You think I’m cute? I think you’re cute too, pups.” Skov blushed, his pale skin running  through the shades of red so fast, it was hard to keep track of them. “Trust me, me and Jiang talked about you all the time.”

It was a joke, he knew it was a joke…mostly, but jealousy struck Finlay like nothing else.

“Oh my God,” Skov groaned, covering his burning face with his hands, the bags still hooked on each wrist, “shut up. You’re not funny. Jiang is an embarrassment to mankind-”

“He’s got the best dirty jokes though,” Mrs. Kavinsky cut in with a laugh. “They’re great. I love them.”

Skov’s blush ran deeper but Finlay wasn’t sure why. “They’re stupid, especially because he always makes me a target. If I wasn’t worried he’d hurt me, I’d punch him.”

“No you wouldn’t,” Finlay snorted, rolling his eyes. Skov barely had it in him to punch someone, not to punch Jiang of all people. “You’d piss your pants the minute he would look at you. Punch him, my ass.”

“I can fight,” Skov mumbled indignantly pouting those specific lips that Jiang did in fact talk about. A lot.

Finlay nudged Joseph with a careful hand and nodded at Skov. “He can fight.”

“I can!”

“If you can fight,” Joseph snorted, returning his focus to Fluffs, checking him out from all angles that were possible. It wasn’t much more than his face being that it wasn’t easy flipping him around with one arm and limited space. “Then I’m not suicidal. I am in fact suicidal, ergo, you cannot fight.”

“I thought I make everything morbid.”

“Hey, I’m just talking truth. I’m a realist. I’m thinking of trying hanging ne- fuck!”

It was an unconscious movement, he hadn’t meant it. It’d just felt natural because when Kavinsky said something stupid, they hit him for it. Joseph who happened to be Kavinsky had said something incredibly stupid so, Finlay had whacked him for it.

He just…maybe shouldn’t have slammed him on his half-burned chest…near where he’d gotten a couple grafts. Today.

Fuck.

Everyone’s jaws had either dropped or tightened with a pained wince.

Aw, man, he’d fucked up. He had to tread carefully before he set off the bomb sitting in Joseph. “Sorry…?”

“Sorry?” Joseph snapped, the very very Kavinsky fire in his eyes as he glared at Finlay, his good hand rubbing carefully where Finlay had hit him. “Are you fucking stupid, you fucking bitch?”

If he dared to say ‘bitch boy,’ Finlay was walking out the door. He had some fucking dignity left. “I wasn’t thinking-”

“No shit!”

Their tempers had never gotten along before to get along now. “Well maybe you shouldn’t say such dumbass stuff! It’s not a fucking joke!”

“Just because I survived,” Joseph snarled, no, Kavinsky snarled, his lip curled into something ugly and his eyes screaming murder, “doesn’t mean shit. It just means I fucked up. Again. You’re in love with a dead man, Finlay. Better high tail it while you can, bitch boy.”

He did on purpose. He fucking did it on purpose. Even Skov knew it from the way his eyes went wide and his mouth dropped. Clenching his jaw so hard that his teeth hurt, Finlay couldn’t find it within himself to let this slide this time. If Joseph thought that he could get away with this every single time he got upset, he was wrong as fuck. And he wasn’t going to learn that until Finlay did something about it.

It was harsh given his current predicament and mindset but maybe a little harsh was the right way to go. It seemed to be working for Mrs. K, didn’t it? “I changed my mind, you’re not forgiven.” Joseph didn’t even seem to care, probably because in his mind, he’d already gotten the forgiveness. “In fact, don’t expect me tomorrow or the day or the day after that. Until you can act like a fucking decent human being to me, I don’t want to see you. Have a good fucking night, you piece of shit.”

That got him the reaction he was looking for.

Chapter Text

“Get out,” Joseph said, unwilling to have people watch him fall into his panic that Finlay really did mean he wasn’t going to come back. Him leaving, just the door closing behind him, felt ominous and dangerous as fuck. “Everyone, just…out. Now. Fucking. Now.”

He’d brought him the cutest biggest damn bear in the world and kisses, he’d brought him delicious kisses, and Joseph had thanked him by hitting him in the one spot he knew, he fucking knew hurt Finlay the most.

Fuck, he was a monster. He deserved to be dumped.

When nobody moved, Joseph shut his eyes and tried to remember how to breathe before he blew into a rage. “Get the fuck out. Now, please.”

They should be happy he even bothered to add ‘please.’

“Joseph,” his mother started, her tone careful, assessing even, like she was feeling the waters to see where exactly his head was at right now.

His head was in fact cursing him to hell because this was his fault. Joseph deserved it. Joseph deserved to be dumped and abandoned because he was a bad boyfriend. In fact, he didn’t even deserve a boyfriend. Jiang would never hit Isha where it hurt. “I want everyone out now. Right now, mayko.”

She squeezed in past Skov and took his hand, making sure they were face to face. “They were just leaving. Your tétka’s really tired from her trip anyways. They’re going.” His mother sent a meaningful glance his tétka’s way. “And I’m sure Blake’s got places to be-”

“Oh, I’m not leaving.”

Joseph turned his head to stare at the tiny blonde, defiant as ever with his arms crossed and whatever those bags were still on his wrists. “That’s not your choice, prodigy. Get out.”

“No.”

“Blake,” his mother began patiently, though Joseph could tell that her patience wasn’t going to last. Should he push like earlier and see how far he could go? It was tempting, he had to admit. “Come back-”

“Nope,” Skov interrupted, popping the ‘p.’ He smiled at Joseph, bright and evil at the same damn time. “I’m not leaving. By all means, throw everyone else out, but I’m not going anywhere. I came to visit you and I’m getting my damn visit. No compromises.”

It was one of those moments where he was confused on how he felt. Joseph was still upset but he was angry. Thing was, he wasn’t just angry, his heart hurt. His head hurt. But with Skov’s words, he felt a tingle that might’ve meant he was happy that someone was fighting against his anger. Like no matter how difficult he was being, he wasn’t being abandoned as readily as Finlay had just up and left him. “You’re a fucking idiot.”

But he couldn’t help but love that.

Skov shrugged though Joseph did in fact catch the little flash of worry that ran through his eyes. “Maybe. But I bought you gifts and I want to see you open them. It’s my right, actually. I took the time and effort to specially pick each thing for you.”

“Now you must reap the rewards?”

“Something like that,” Skov replied cheekily with a smile, winking in such a cute way that Joseph knew Finlay wouldn’t be happy for Joseph thinking like that.

Not that it mattered anyways. It wasn’t Finlay’s business being that he just abandoned him like he was lower than a pile of shit.

The wave of furious frustration that had washed upon him began to slowly recede as he stared at that smile. Stupid Skov. “Ugh, fuck, fine.” Skov cheered as he gave a round of victorious applause. “Everyone else go damn home. Fuck, gimme space. Ow,” he muttered, his mother tilting his head to face her with a tug of his ear. “What?”

She kissed his nose before flicking it for no damn reason. “I love you.”

“Naw, shit,” he couldn’t help but laugh, making her roll her eyes.

“We’re having a serious talk later, though.”

Yeah, that didn’t sound ominous or anything. He’d make sure to fall asleep the minute Skov left. Joseph had a feeling he just might know what she wanted to serious talk about. “You should probs go home and sleep. You know, get that beauty sleep and all. I’ve done plenty of serious talking today. Trust me.”

It was his mistake; he shouldn’t have mentioned it. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, his mother titled her head in curiosity and asked “How do you like Dr. Cho so far? I just realized I haven’t heard any complaints. She must be as good as Gwen said, huh?”

He couldn’t stop the heat that filled his face. Joseph did in fact…kind of sort of maybe did like her but he didn’t want anyone catching onto that already. Goddamn, give a man a chance to breathe. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Is she a psychologist?” Skov asked, curiosity peaked. “That’s great! Is she good? You have to make sure it’s someone you’re comfortable with or else talking is going to be super hard and uncomfortable. You want someone who you feel like you don’t have to be ashamed in front of. Embarrassed.”

It almost sounded like…Skov actually knew what he was talking about. Beyond the clinical ‘everyone knows about therapists.’

Joseph was intrigued.

“You ever seen a therapist?” Skov blushed his deep red that went from the tip of his ears down the entirety of his chest, glancing around at the occupants of the room. Joseph knew immediately that the answer was yes and that Skov didn’t want the world to hear about it. “Everyone, fuck off. Goodnight. Ow, mayko,” he muttered, his voice nasally as fuck on account of his mother grabbing him by the nose, “goddammit, lady.”

With her grasp on his nose not letting up anytime soon, his mother twisted it side to side, causing him to grunt in pain. Didn’t she know that his septum was total crap? He could totally start bleeding right now. “That is not how we say goodnight to visitors. Manners.”

He hadn’t used manners in years. How in the hell did she expect him just to pull them back out of his ass? Did she get how much work that was? “Mayko- fuck, stop that,” he muttered all nasally as she twisted his nose again. He was against her one handed. Hell, technically half handed because even his left had suffered some damage from that damn IV. “Okay, okay,” Joseph griped, pushing her hand away. “Fuck. Goodnight. Jesus. Thank you for coming. Goodbye.”

“That’s better than I expected,” Andrey laughed as he got to his feet, carefully leaning over Joseph so they were face to face. He didn’t appreciate his space being invaded but this was Andrey and Andrey had always been safe. “Goodnight, you idiot, and tomorrow, we’re watching hours of footage of my baby’s life so prepare yourself.”

“Aw, you have a baby,” Skov crooned, seriously lost in the thought like it even mattered. It wasn’t like he knew Andrey and yet just the thought of him having a baby seemed to have Skov swooning. “Boy or girl?”

“Girl,” Andrey said with pride, yanking out his phone and shoving it up at Skov, Joseph assuming that there was a picture on that screen. “Josephine. We named her after this asshole.”

“That’s so cute!”

“Oh dear God,” Joseph sighed. Skov had been encouraged into his cutesy voice. There was no going back now. “Don’t encourage-”

Completely ignoring Joseph, Andrey showed Skov more pictures. “Right? It’s great. She’s great. She’s so smart already too! And sweet. I was kind of worried she’d…get her mom’s attitude-”

“I thought you loved Ivet’s ‘fuck you up’ demeanor.”

“-but she’s a complete sweetheart. Literally, all she’ll do all day is giggle.”

It was ridiculous, but Joseph had a strike of jealousy ripping through him. He’d had enough issues in his life making friends, had finally made some really cool ones, had finally acknowledged that they were his friends, and in a second, Andrey had already charmed one. Because Andrey had always been the charmer. It was ridiculous, sure, but Joseph’s feelings were always ridiculous.

“If I had a baby,” Joseph snorted, wishing he could just fucking cross his damn arms, “she’d be cuter. And even more fucking giggly.”

His mother laughed and cupped his face, leaning in a pressing a kiss to his cheek. “I’m waiting for those grandkids, you know. I don’t care if your adopting, surrogating, or whatever, but you’re giving me babies.”

“I actually would also like those babies,” his father laughed, raising his hand as he sipped Finlay’s forgotten smoothie. “I want to spoil a baby. And buy shit for a baby.”

“Why?” tétka Nikol snorted, crossing her arms like Joseph had been dying to do, “It’s not like you gave a damn about your own baby.”

His father’s face turned stormy. It was one of those storms that made history, full of thunder, lightning, and maybe even some tornadoes. Hurricanes. Just full out hell that caused destruction. With his jaw clenching tight, his father swallowed the huge lump of fury in his throat and spat “Bitch, don’t you fuck-”

The ringing of his phone cut him off.

With a grimace and a yank of it out of his pocket, his father rolled his eyes as he stood and answered the phone, walking out to the ‘privacy’ of a hospital hall. His tétka’s judgmental gaze followed him out before she herself rolled her eyes. “Why the fuck is he even here?”

Why the fuck did she think she got to make that call? It wasn’t her damn business. “Why the fuck are you here?” Joseph couldn’t help but snap, turning his sharp gaze and tone on her. No one had even asked her to be here anyways. “I want him here. I don’t remember wanting you. I don’t even remember thinking about you.”

The hurt on her face was satisfying. He didn’t even feel an ounce of regret at his words. Whether anyone wanted to admit it or not, his father understood him the best after his mother. And Joseph wanted that. “Well,” his tétka said slowly, the words barely slipping through her clenched teeth, “you’ve had a long day and I’m sure we all need a little sleep-”

She was trying to justify his behavior. The sooner she understood that there was no justifying, the better.

“-so goodnight and…” she looked at his mother, “where do we stay?”

“In the monstrosity,” his mother snorted, rolling her eyes before kissing Joseph again and getting to her feet. “Everyone out, let’s go before they throw poor Blake out for overstaying past visiting hours.”

Skov blushed but nodded, his bags clutched tight in his hands. “Yeah, yeah, go, please, because like,” he raised his bags, “my gifts.”

His mother laughed, making Skov blush even harder and suddenly…Joseph had an inkling about something. It made him want to laugh. Laugh so bad. This idiot was too much. “His gifts.”

It took them another five minutes just to get the hell out and once they were, it was oddly quiet. Creepily quiet. But…Joseph liked it. Preferred it even. “Alright, let’s have a look before you burst.”

“Yes!” Skov shouted with glee, his fists – and bags for that matter – raised to the sky. “Okay, okay, okay,” Joseph smiled as he watched him, an excited chicken without a head, “so…we need to open the box first.” Setting his bags down on the cot, he peeked around until he found his box, setting it down carefully on Joseph’s lap after moving Fluffs onto the cot. It felt wrong to have Fluffs so far away. “Okay, so this one is the ‘yay, you’re not dead’ one.”

“Yay, you’re not dead, huh,” Joseph murmured as he stared at the meticulously wrapped box. He definitely couldn’t do this with one hand. “You’re gonna need to open it for me.”

“Oh! I’m sorry!” Skov said, his face flaming with embarrassment. It wasn’t worth being embarrassed about; Joseph just needed the damn box open. “Let me…” He was even meticulous in the way that he unwrapped. Peeling a corner from here, an edge from there, until a beautiful Rolls-Royce Phantom revealed itself. “Tadaa! Amazon sells wonderous things, man.”

Joseph set his hand atop the box, not able to do much more than that. It was a safe bet of a present. They all knew he loved cars. Didn’t mean he didn’t absolutely love the gift. It’d look great in his bookcase that was filling to the brim with cars. “This is beautiful, thank you, man.”

“Wait, these are even better,” Skov said quickly, grabbing his bags before moving the Rolls to the side and setting the blue bag in Joseph’s lap. “This is the ‘yay, successful surgery’ one. Open, open!”

Smiling because now there was seriously no holding back from this bastard’s cheery demeanor, Joseph reached into the bag and pulled out some other box thing.

His smile only grew larger as his eyes widened in excitement.

When was the last time he’d been so excited for something so simple?

“This…” Joseph pushed the bag onto the floor and set the kit in his lap, “fuck, Skov, this…” he rubbed his hand along the box almost reverently, already wishing he was home to start building, “I love it so much.” Joseph looked up at Skov who was looking like it was him who’d gotten the most amazing gift in the world. “Blake, thank you.”

It was perfect. It made Joseph…feel like Joseph again. He could even put a name to his emotion as he read the back of the box of a robotic kit. Three hundred and six pieces to build and code six different robots.

He was so fucking ready for this. If there was even the possibility, Joseph would start it right now. He hadn’t built something so intricate and brain consuming in forever. At least, outside of his brain in forever. This was going to be fun.

Fun.

Fuck. When was the last time something like this had made him so excited?

“One more!” Skov shouted, fist pumping to the sky. Picking up the last bag and placing it atop the robotics kit, Skov said as he bounced “This one is the ‘yay, you came out’ gift.”

Joseph’s hand froze, halfway into the bag. “The…the what?”

He smiled at Joseph, his hands clasped together behind his back. “Some people do coming out parties or just gifts and I wanted to get you something for finally being able to tell me your truth. It’s such a deep part of you that you haven’t been able to acknowledge for so long. Were even denying and the fact that you trust me enough to share with me something so special means everything.”

Wiping his eyes, annoyed that he was even crying, Joseph tried his best to sound as tough as he could. “Fuck, man, why does everything have to be so damn sentimental with you? Goddamn.” Skov laughed, his cheeky smile coming into play. “Damn,” Joseph muttered, giving Skov the stink eye as he stuck his hand back into the bag. His coming out gift, huh? He’d make sure to remind everyone that he should be showered with shit for coming out then.

Finlay had actually been showering him with a lot of shit…

Not letting the pain of Finlay drag itself back up is throat, Joseph pulled out what felt like a book. A damn heavy thick ass book that he actually struggled pulling out. Skov had to help him, putting it in Joseph’s lap with flourishing hands. “Tadaaaa!” he shouted, hands going for jazz hands, “Thee quintessential book for vets! You’ll get nowhere without this here!”

Okay, the robotic building kit had been fucking amazing but this here was all of Joseph’s dream wrapped in hundreds of pages. “Merck veterinary manual,” Joseph whispered in awe, rubbing the thick spine of the book with a reverent finger. He didn’t even know there was such a thing. It was beautiful. Joseph could easily imagine himself spending weeks reading this gorgeous beast.

“Do you love it?”

“It’s…it’s perfect.”

The future was looking just a bit brighter right now.

Chapter Text

It was embarrassing but Andrey screamed.

Who could blame him? Walnut was fucking huge. And had run at him. Barked. She’d barked too. Who wouldn’t have screamed in that situation?

“Baby,” Anka snorted in amusement, sticking her tongue out at him before returning her attention to the house they found themselves in. “Pa-thetic.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Andrey muttered, wishing his face wasn’t so damn red. It always gave him away so easily. “She’s freaking huge!” He glared at the dog in question, bouncing around tetíncho Ivo as he put her some food. “Look at her! She could eat him!”

“This place is huge,” his mother said. She sounded amazed but it was like a…disapproving amazement. “They’re two people for damn’s sake. I mean, she told me the house is big but…damn.”

“No,” tetíncho told Walnut sternly as she tried to stand against him. “Down. Down, Walnut.” Walnut dropped to her paws, tilting her head at him before she barked. “Good girl,” he praised, petting her huge head. “You know, you’d fit in great with my dogs. You’d probably put them all in their places. Except for maybe Doug. He’s old and likes his position, you know.”

“You’re talking to a dog, Ivo.”

“No shit,” he snorted, patting Walnut once more before taking a seat at the island on one of the stools. “Why’d you come?”

“Seriously?”

Tetíncho Ivo nodded. “Yeah, seriously. Vesela told you to wait, that he’s not ready-”

“Well you showed up, didn’t you?” his mother snapped, tossing her bag on one of the couches before striding over and staring down tetíncho from the opposite side of the island. “How come you got to? No one asked for you either.”

“Despite common belief,” tetíncho Ivo said, almost snidely, “Joseph and I have actually talked over the course of these years. More than once, thank you.”

Andrey stared at his uncle. That couldn’t be right. But then, Joseph had been willing to be in touch with Andrey so…but no that wouldn’t be right. Andrey had never wronged Joseph to the extent tetíncho had. Why would he talk to him? How…no, Andrey wasn’t going to think like that. He wasn’t because things were a little better and that was what mattered.

“So where’s his room?” Anka asked, walking further into the house. “Upstairs? We should go through it before he gets home.”

Tetíncho didn’t look happy. At all. “Rude and nosy as fuck.”

“You’re telling me you haven’t gone in?”

“I have not.”

Anka shrugged, continuing her walk to the stairs and slipping off her shoes. “Well, then we can check it out at the same time.”

“Anka, don’t-” tetíncho paused, biting his lip before murmuring softly, “I was gonna look for Lord Hideous…” Sighing, he got to his feet, following Anka with Andrey and his mother doing the same. If everyone was doing it, then so were they. “Just don’t touch shit, got it?”

It was funny how diligently they all nodded.

Tetíncho was the first to tread his way in, switching on the light and coming to a stop once he passed a bookcase set beside the door. “At least his room looks how it should.”

Andrey squeezed past his mother and sister and glanced around. “It definitely feels like Joseph’s room.” It had the cars, the map, the controlled chaos… “Hey, those are pictures,” he murmured, walking to the bed and examining the photos tapped to the wall. There was at least one photo of everyone, including even Josephine. “He must’ve been so homesick.”

“Does it disturb anyone that Peanut’s stuff looks like a shrine?” Anka asked.

“Does it disturb anyone that some of these quotes,” his mother began walking along the walls and reading, “are…incredibly…dark? I thought quotes are supposed to be inspirational.”

“It disturbs me,” tetíncho snorted in disdain as he opened the closet, “how many damn questions you people ask. Jesus. Now…” he glanced around, making sure not to touch a thing. “Ah! Lord Hideous, it’s been a long time, my friend!” Andrey watched his uncle pull out that damn ragged cat that Joseph had always loved, looking even worse for wear than ever. “You have more patches than fur, lemme tell you.”

A clacking noise caught Andrey’s attention. Turning, he found Anka behind him, examining a wooden box, whatever was inside of it making the noise as it hit the edges. “Don’t touch.”

“This box is weird,” Anka said, completely ignoring Andrey’s words. “Like, I see the seam of the opening,” she ran her finger along said seem, “but there’s no way to open it. No lock, no hinges, no nothing.” Making a show of trying to yank it open, she handed the box to Andrey. “The box literally won’t open.”

“Huh…” he murmured, trying to pry the box open himself. It really didn’t open. He’d say maybe it was for show but from the noise of things moving inside, it couldn’t be. “Weird… hey!” Andrey gripped as tetíncho yanked the box out of his hand. “I was working on that.”

“We said no touching,” tetíncho snorted, setting the box back down on the table. Andrey had to hand it to him, he knew how to keep his curiosity in check.

Or, usually he did.

It was like something clicked in his brain because tetíncho froze, his hand still atop the box. He rubbed it for a moment before just standing there, staring as he gnawed on his lip. Reaching out again, he smoothed his hand down on what should be the lid, whispering something under his breath. “Tetíncho?”

“Nothing,” he murmured, shaking his head as though Andrey had even asked anything. “It’s nothing.” His uncle spared one last minute staring at the box before letting out a little huff. “Alright, everyone out, we’ve invaded enough. Out, out.”

An hour later, after tetíncho had left with the intention of taking Lord Hideous to his owner – he forgot him on the island but no one bothered to tell him – Andrey found himself bored. And in search of his sister. “What’re you doing?”

Spinning around while trying not to look guilty, Anka held up an open box of condoms that she must’ve found in the drawer of the nightstand she was going through. “At least we know he practices safe sex. Unlike someone.”

He’d heard enough of those lectures to last him a lifetime. Striding all the way into the room, Andrey pulled the box out of her hand and tossed it onto the bed. “You’re not supposed to go through his stuff. You know that. You know how upset he’d be if he knew you were touching his things? Or what if tetíncho catches you? You’d be in so much shit.”

She held up a finger. “One, Joseph seems to yell at anyone and everyone regardless of a proper reason. I’m sure he’ll yell at me for something anyways. Two,” she put up another finger, “since when do we give a crap about what tetíncho thinks?”

“Since we are now living in a house with him,” Andrey snorted, stuffing the condoms that’d fallen out back into the box. “Don’t touch anything. How hard is that?” He handed the box back to her so she could fix her wrong, “Put it back.”

Rolling her eyes as she took the box back, Anka snorted “It’s just a box of condoms.”

“I doubt that’s the only thing you touched. You were probably moving it to keep digging.” From her blush, Andrey knew he was right on point. “Seriously, you can’t go through his stuff.”

“You think he uses these with Finlay?” she asked with an overdone sleazy smile. “Sexy times with the boyfriend?” She gave the box a quick glance, “Magnum, huh?”

Being that he knew his sister well, Andrey knew she was trying to throw him off her snooping. But it was still a stupid question. It was even stupider that he blushed about it. Andrey didn’t want to know what size his cousin was using. Especially because Andrey didn’t know what size he himself might wear. He’d never bought condoms in his life.

That wasn’t something to be proud of, yes, he knew.

“They’ve been together for two days. Joseph’s been in a hospital bed for more than a week. I don’t think they’ve been hitting it much.”

“Okay, fair point…who do you think would wear these though?” She gave the box a shake as she considered it carefully. “With Emilio, I’m like ninety percent sure that Joseph would be the giver if you get me but with Finlay…I don’t know. Finlay’s a big dude. All shoulders and height.”

Andrey was not thinking about his cousin’s sex life. Nope. Not happening. “We’re so not talking about this. Change topic.”

“Fine,” Anka shrugged, dropping the box on the nightstand as she pulled out the entire drawer and sat down on the bed with it in her lap. Andrey cringed because this girl was nuts. Joseph was going to fucking kill them. Holding up a bag filled with what had to be cocaine, Anka asked in disgust “Want a taste?”

“No thank you,” he snorted, grabbing it out of her hand. He took a minute to look at it, wondering how his tétka had forgotten a bag. Probably the most important bag being that it was right in his drawer. Unless…it was…sugar? He didn’t know and was too cautious to really figure it out. Tétka wouldn’t just leave a random ass bag of coke laying around but then Joseph wouldn’t keep a bag of sugar either.

Whatever.

“Don’t touch it,” he added, dropping the bag back into the drawer. “Drugs are bad.”

“Why…” Anka started softly, not really looking through the drawer as much as she was moving things around, “why do you think he was so insistent that he had to get up and see Finlay? Don’t you think it’s weird? They cursed each other out but then suddenly Joseph forgoes everything just to apologize? And then fight with him all over again to only have another freak out that he’s gone?”

“How do you expect me to answer that? I feel like I don’t even know Joseph anymore. That guy in the bed…it sure didn’t…it didn’t seem like him. Barely even looked like him. Sure as hell didn’t act like him.”

“He didn’t seem happy to see us.”

Yeah, Andrey had noticed. “Maybe…maybe it’s like tetíncho said. He’s just not ready yet.”

“But he wants that stupid boyfriend of his around?”

It’d taken Andrey a couple months of being with Ivet to learn that his sister had a slight jealousy problem. He was hers first, Joseph was hers first, and the both of them had people who wanted them too.

The sooner she had somebody of her own, the better.

“Finlay seems nice though?” Anka snorted, staring at a little dragon figurine. “He does! He seems to really care for him.”

“Anyone can buy a giant bear.”

“Bet you all those flowers are from him too.”

“I could’ve done that.”

“And I think those Beanie babies were from Finlay too.”

“It’s not that hard to buy them.”

“My point is,” Andrey sighed, taking a glance at the dragon himself, “is that he really does seem to care. Isn’t that what’s important? Joseph deserves someone nice for himself who’ll put him up top.”

Flipping open a little notebook that had random scribbles or maybe even words because that was just how bad Joseph’s handwriting was, Anka replied “We don’t know a thing about Finlay. At least we knew Emilio.”

“True but Joseph knows Finlay.”

“We should just set up Joseph and Emilio all over again.” She held up a bottle of lube, “Need some?” Andrey knocked it out of her hand, sending it flying across the room as she laughed. “I’m just saying.”

“Well don’t,” he said, resting back and staring up at the ceiling. “Emilio is with that one guy now and Joseph has Finlay. Paths separate, you know?”

“Kinda funny they both found themselves tall black guys.”

Andrey laughed as he tried to rub the exhaustion out of his eyes. “Good one.”

“Just interesting is all I’m saying.” Returning the drawer back where it’d been, Anka returned her attention back to the box still on the low table. “That box is really weird though.”

“What’s weirder is tetíncho’s reaction to the box, don’t you think?” It was like he’d felt something when he’d touched it. Known something. “Hey, so…maybe this is just me but…” Anka sent him a curious glance as she walked around the room, reading the quotes scrawled along the walls like their mother had, “does it bug you that he talked to tetíncho? It really bothers me that even after what happened…he still bothered to speak to him.”

“Maybe tetíncho was just making it up to make himself feel better.”

Maybe. “Tetíncho’s never been a liar though. Why are you opening his drawers? Stop, man.” Anka ignored him, opening drawer after drawer in the dresser. “Anka, seriously. Plus, what’s even interesting there? It’s just his clothes. What? You want a pair of his underwear?”

“Ew! No, thank you.”

“You’re the one that’s so damn curious.”

“Ooh, I want this shirt,” Anka murmured, completely tuning him out as she held a black tshirt against herself. “Cute, huh?”

“It literally just says ‘meh.’ How is that cute.”

“Dunno, just is,” she replied, setting the shirt atop the dresser like she was seriously considering taking it. Andrey hoped she got in trouble for all this. He wanted to snoop too but he was being good by just lying here and attempting to stop his sister.

Well…kind of attempting. At least he was trying.

“You think he’ll play along to be my fake boyfriend?”

“What?” Andrey said in disbelief, actually bothering to sit up. “What the hell are you- oh my God, Anka, put that back.”

‘That’ was a very fancy looking butterfly knife that he was pretty sure wasn’t there, hiding between Joseph’s clothes, to be touched. “It’s just- ow! Dammit!” The knife dropped to the floor as she held her finger tight, her face scrunching in pain. “That thing is sharp! Holy crap.” Holding up her finger, she frowned and sucked on her finger before pushing open a door, finding the bathroom. “Girls at school say I’m too high maintenance and a bitch which is why guys aren’t interested in me. I can use Joseph to prove them wrong, is all.”

“Older bad boy boyfriend,” Andrey laughed, dropping back down onto the bed. His sister was both those things sometimes but he didn’t like girls bullying her for it. She was amazing but then, he was her brother, so maybe that was just his own thoughts. Ivet said she was a ‘frustrating goddamn bitch on a good day.’ He hadn’t talked to Ivet for a few days for that. “Just your type?”

“If I had a boyfriend who was like Joseph, I think it’d be nice. But like, because he can be sweet and he always struck me as the romantic sort.”

“You realize you just discounted like ninety-nine percent of the rest of his personality, right?”

“I always found him pretty hot too, y’know.”

Actually, yeah, he’d known. Once Joseph’s voice had deepened and he’d grown taller, Anka had had this phase where she’d always blush around him or her eyes would linger for a while.

“Now he has these cool tattoos and apparently a tongue stud, although I didn’t notice any piercings, and he’s super tall…”

She said a few other things but Andrey toned her out. Disregarding the fact that Anka and Joseph were cousins, they would’ve made a terrible couple. Horrible to the millionth power. They would’ve butted heads so much to the point where things got super super ugly.

Super.

“Are you even listening to me?” Anka asked, her face suddenly in his. “I asked you a question.”

“What.”

“Why do you think Joseph tried to kill himself so suddenly? I mean, come on, life can’t be that bad, can it? No one told him to do drugs or whatever else garbage he does. If it makes him so upset where he thinks he needs to die, then why do them?”

Pushing away his sister and sitting up once again, Andrey murmured “I think you’re simplifying it way too much.”

“His life is better than most people who’ve never considered killing themselves.”

“But that’s the thing, Anka, how much do we actually know? How much do we even understand about him? We can’t even begin to imagine what he feels or what he’s been through or any of that.”

Anka seemed embarrassed from her words but murmured anyways “But…tétka took him away from tetíncho. Shouldn’t that have helped? Tetíncho, if he was the problem, why didn’t Joseph get better? Why did things have to get to this point where we’re coming out here because he tried to kill himself?”

“Maybe…he wasn’t entirely the problem.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. What other problems could be so severe?”

“I don’t think you two are grasping the fact that the boy you saw today really isn’t your cousin like you knew him.” They both bolted to their feet as tetíncho came around the bookcase, his arms crossed and his face looking pissed as hell. “You guys haven’t been in his life for four years. If one year makes a damn difference, can you imagine what four does?”

“You, uh, forgot Mr. Cat on the island,” Andrey mumbled, knowing that his change of subject was bullshit. It was worth a try though, wasn’t it? “Just…just so you know.”

“I thought I said no snooping.” He walked over to the knife still on the floor, picking it up and setting it on the dresser with a loud clang. “And yet, here you two idiots are. Snooping. You think he’d appreciate that?”

“Besides for his beloved Finlay,” Anka snorted sarcastically as she crossed her arms and rolled her eyes, “I don’t think Joseph appreciates anyone or anything.”

“Sounds like someone’s jealous. Maybe you need to earn your keep first so you can be as beloved as Finlay.”

“Because Finlay has?”

Yup, she totally sounded jealous. Tetíncho even looked like he wanted to laugh at her. “From what I’ve seen? Hell yeah. Goddamn, I’d trust Finlay with my life. The kid is real and I think that he’s definitely someone Joseph should hold onto.” He raised his hand to stop Anka from speaking. “Don’t let your jealousy cloud your judgement.”

Ha, that was like telling someone with diarrhea not to shit.

Chapter Text

Three days.

He was going home tomorrow.

Not one of these three days had Finlay shown up.

“Baby, you need to eat so your skin heals properly,” his mother explained for, what was probably, the thousandth time in three days. Maybe two thousandth. Joseph hadn’t been worried the first day, not too much, anyways. Finlay was always good at proving points so Joseph just figured that was what he was doing.

Three days was a bit extra for proving a point, wasn’t it?

“Come on, eat your lunch, Joseph.”

Spinning the bracelet Finlay had given him around on his thin wrist, Joseph ripped a piece of bread and put it in his mouth. It was the only thing his queasy stomach could handle right now. “Mayko, he still hasn’t come.”

She was the only one Joseph would ever express his fears to. “He just needs some time-”

“It’s been three days! How am I supposed to apologize if he won’t come?”

Forking him a piece of chicken, she held it up, raising her brow when he didn’t immediately open his mouth. Faced with that stare, what other choice did he have?

He opened his mouth and ate the damn chicken.

“Sometimes, when the person we love hurts us intentionally, we know that space is the best thing for the relationship.”

Intentionally. Yeah, he’d known what he’d been doing but…he’d been upset and frustrated and…but abandoning him was excessive, wasn’t it? “What if…what if he dumps me, though?”

Joseph hated her stupid smile. It wasn’t the patient smile, but it was the ‘omg you’re so fucking cute’ one. God, he hated that one. “He’s not going to dump you over one fight.”

“Two.”

“Okay, two,” she stabbed a broccoli and brought the fork up again. Joseph chewed and swallowed without question. “They were just baby fights, sweetheart, don’t worry so much.”

But that was his problem. He was worried as hell. Terrified as hell. Joseph had pushed and he had known that he was pushing but he’d still done it. “Maybe I’m just…not good boyfriend material.”

Resting her chin in her palm, his mother examined him hard, even going to the point of narrowing her eyes as she stared at him. Somehow, she still managed to make sure she was feeding him during this examination. “When you were with Emilio, did you ever have these insecurities?”

“Yes,” he answered easily. “We…we never really had fights but we did have this really big one and…it made me…question a lot of stuff. And even when we didn’t fight, it’s just…” Joseph shrugged, unable to find the words he needed to express the mess of feelings he’d always been. “Sometimes…I’d wonder why he was wasting his time on me. I’m not an idiot; I’m not an easy person. I know that. And…” he couldn’t stop the blush heating his face but he could look away from that piercing gaze, “he…was always what I envisioned as perfect. So why would this perfect person waste such valuable time with someone like me?”

“Did you guys ever talk about this stuff?”

Rubbing Saint Bernard Finlay’s head, Joseph murmured “Yeah, actually. I mean, c’mon, mayko, he’s Emilio. He makes a person talk about everything whether they like it or not.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” his mother laughed as the sound of the fork hitting plastic cut through their easy quiet. “Open.”

He didn’t bother refusing. There was no refusing this woman when it came to hospitals and health. She made sure of it. “He’d tell me a lot of things. But…my favorite was…” he rubbed Dog Finlay’s ears, wishing he had the real Finlay, “when he said that even if in my mind I didn’t match what I thought was perfect, in his eyes, I was his perfect. And…that made me feel really good, I guess.”

“Have you ever talked to Finlay about your insecurities?”

Fuck no. Finlay wasn’t Emilio where they could get all gushy. Finlay was hardened from life and…different. Confessing his insecurities was like…baring his belly of weaknesses. “No. Hell no.” He accepted a green bean. “But like…I’ve…cried in front of him before. Sobbed, actually.”

“And he knows about your bashtá.”

“Yeah, there’s that.” Sitting Saint Bernard Finlay atop his head with a little smile, Joseph snorted “and…like…other dark and horrible things.” He wasn’t admitting to Proko’s accident to this woman. “Um…and like the…um…”

His mother knew exactly what he was trying to say. Kissing his bruised ugly IV hand, she said “I’m so proud of you for being able to tell someone.”

Face flushed as fuck while still balancing Dog FinFin on his head, Joseph mumbled “I didn’t really…tell, I just…maybe kind of…alluded.”

“That’s powerful, baby.”

“Really?” Joseph wanted to feel powerful but admitting to his rape hadn’t felt powerful at all. It’d felt disgusting. Shameful. He was a man and he hadn’t been able to fight off another guy? “Doesn’t feel that way at all though.”

Caressing his hand with her soft touch, she asked softly “How does it make you feel?”

In any other situation, he’d laugh and ask if she thought she was his therapist. But that was any other situation where he wasn’t trying to figure out how to fix his already fucked up relationship. “Weak. Ashamed.” Biting his lip and squishing Mr. Cat in the bend of his arm, Joseph sunk into his bed and whispered “Disgusting. Ruined. Maybe…maybe a little afraid too.”

“Do you know why I won’t give you that loofah?”

“Because I’ll hurt myself,” he answered simply with a shrug. He just wished she understood why he hurt himself. It wasn’t for the pain like all his other methods. All the scrubbing was about feeling clean. New. Unsullied. Like he was peeling off the tarnished skin.

“Because I want you to feel comfortable in your skin, baby.” She rubbed along his lower arm, that sweet smile on her face that he’d loved since he was a child. “I want you to realize how beautiful you are even though you scribbled all over your body.”

Joseph smiled, rolling his eyes as he did. “It’s art, not scribbles. And they’re all meaningful. It’s not like I went and put a naked lady on me.”

“Man,” his mother corrected with a laugh. “A naked man would be more your muse, don’t you think?”

“Ha, ha, look how hard I’m laughing.”

Getting to her feet, she grasped his shoulders carefully and murmured “Joseph, I want you to realize that in this skin, in this body, you are beautiful, sweetheart. So beautiful. And once you realize that, once you remember how strong you are in this body, you’ll be so powerful. So strong and even more beautiful. That boy did something unforgiving to you,” Joseph’s heart shuddered, tears filling his eyes as he looked away from those piercing eyes, “something that makes you feel ashamed. In pain. Weak.”

“Afraid,” he added. “Disgusting.”

“I’m not saying it’s easy, especially because I can only imagine what you’ve been through and what you’re still going through, but as soon as you realize how beautiful, how powerful, you are in your skin, you’ll realize that he can’t take a thing away from you. That he may have done that and stripped you of everything but you are stronger than he’ll ever be.”

“But…but how am I supposed to be strong if I can’t…I can’t…” He wiped the tears harshly from his eyes, ignoring the pain of his bruised hand. “I’m not strong,” Joseph mumbled miserably. “I’m-I’m not powerful o-or any of that.”

“Hey,” she whispered, cupping his face and kissing the tip of his nose, “we take this step by step, beautiful. Foot by foot or inch by inch or…what’s the smallest measurement?”

“Planck,” Joseph laughed, wiping his tears while his mother grabbed him a tissue and wiped his nose. He should be wiping his own damn nose but he definitely wasn’t going to stop her. “It’s a Planck. It’s super tiny, mayko.”

“Alright then,” his mother said, kissing his cheek, “we’re going to take this Planck by Planck, okay?” Joseph nodded, comfortable with such a speed. He…he could work with that. “And you can take these ultra baby steps with me, with whoever you trust, Joseph. As long as you take them.”

“Hey,” Joseph began softly, ‘tatko’ at the tip of his tongue. He couldn’t quite bring himself to say it just yet. But he wasn’t going to call him Ivo because that was rude as fuck and Joseph only did that when he wanted to be rude. Right now wasn’t one of those moments. “Um…can I ask you something?”

His father glanced up from his book where he sat cross-legged on the cot. If anyone was ecstatic about Joseph going home, it was him. The cot was apparently a killer. Especially because he shared it with Fluffs now. “Of course.”

Joseph had thought a lot about what his mother said this morning and Joseph found that approaching the subject this way was a good tactic. Getting cheated on and being…being raped weren’t even close to the same but the shame had to be close, right? Maybe the feeling of weakness? Something had to be there. He really wasn’t sure how else to bring it all together besides for like this. “When…when mayko cheated on you, how did that make you feel?”

It was common knowledge to anyone who knew Ivo Kavinsky that he hated his hair on his face. No one really knew why; he just did. So the past week had been weird as fuck seeing his father’s hair falling here and there. Places where hair had never been allowed to touch. It was like someone ruffled his nice slicked back hair and he hadn’t had the energy to fix it.

The point was, it was weird seeing one of his father’s eyebrows disappear under hair as they flew up in surprise.

“What?”

“How’d it make you feel?”

Closing his book and setting it in Fluffs’ lap, his father rested his head back against the wall, scratching along his collarbone. “Make me feel? Angry. Hurt as fuck. But also…inadequate. Ashamed. Worthless. Insecure, to this day, really.”

It was one for the history books.

Ivo Kavinsky was insecure.

“Um…why…” Joseph focused his attention on Mr. Cat’s patchy head, “why…the shame?”

“Dunno. I guess it’s like…I must be that bad of a husband, of a man, that my wife had to go find someone else. Not just someone else to have sex with but to love. Doesn’t that reflect my character, not just hers? If she felt this need to cheat then…I’m obviously lacking and it’s shameful that I’m that lacking, I guess. That make sense?”

“I guess,” Joseph murmured, drawing up his knees and setting his chin on them. He was squishing Mr. Cat and Dog Finlay but they’d understand. Wrapping his good arm around his legs, he added “Do you ever get those sorts of feelings, even without the cheating?”

“I feel the shame a lot. The insecurity.”

“Why insecure.”

“Because she’s so fucking beautiful.” Joseph laughed, resting his cheek atop his knees and watching his father. “I’m serious. She’s gorgeous, could get any damn man, and she’s with me. Discount that I’m an asshole-”

“Jiang says that’s super hard to do.”

“-and…have problems controlling anger,” his father continued, only rolling his eyes from Jiang’s words. “I’m a fucking mess. What do I have going for me? Looks? I’m lucky they’ve lasted this long.”

“Devotion,” Joseph supplied. “Annoyingly affectionate.”

His father smiled but he actually seemed cheered from the words. “I was a boy with a mess of a past, an illegal immigrant, broke as fuck, with the baggage of being a mama’s boy. Let’s not get started on the shit going on in my brain. Now, I’m a man with a mess of a past, legal but my business isn’t, still a severe mama’s boy if my mama had lived. And dead. I’m a zombie freak and she knows I’m a zombie. I will probably never get laid again in my life. Second life.”

“Does it not work?” Joseph asked curiously. Honestly, he’d never considered that maybe he’d broken his father’s dick. It’d never be something he would’ve considered anyways. “Sorry. Didn’t think about that one.”

“Oh, it works,” his father laughed, raising a leg and setting his arm atop it. “Full honesty here, after I found out I was undead, I had to find out.”

“Was there no point before that?”

“Nope. My wife wasn’t happy with me so I didn’t deserve to je-”

“Please don’t finish that sentence.”

“Anyways, I’m just saying I don’t think she’d want to do it with an undead guy.”

Joseph wondered if Proko’s junk worked or not. Half baked Proko probably wouldn’t care anyways though. Man, was that a bit of a failure of a forgery. Proko was a favorite, sure, because Joseph could make him do whatever, but he kind of missed his resilience. “Do you hate me for it?”

“Killing me?” Joseph nodded. “No. I hate that I put you in a situation where you had to do it. Where you felt that it was the only way. I tarnished you in such a brutal way by making it come to a point where it had to be done. And there’s no amount of forgiveness that I can beg for that will ever be enough to clear that.” His father was silent for a moment, blinking tiredly at Joseph before saying “Can I ask you something? It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it though. No pressure.”

He shrugged, too curious for his own good.

“Do…I…I’ve been…” his father covered his face and huffed and if that didn’t pique Joseph’s interest, nothing ever would. “Fuck. Okay,” he took a deep breath and removed his hands, looking determined as hell. “Okay. I…I’ve been doing…I’ve been reading-”

“Yeah, that’s nothing new.”

“Shuttup and give me a second here. I’ve been doing a lot of reading about different things. Uh, yesterday, I read some more about, uh…”

“Can you please just get to your point without all this tiptoeing? Trust me, it’ll be better.”

Rubbing his face harshly, his father dragged himself and the cot with a loud screech against the floor, right up to the bed and sat down, holding Joseph’s hand tight like he was afraid he’d slip away. “This should go without saying but in case it needs to be said, you can always come to me with anything. That has been and still is a promise.” Jesus, they had to be about to get into some deep shit. “With that said, I don’t like the idea of so much festering inside of you and thought that maybe…it’ll help if I start the conversation?”

Scanning his father’s face, Joseph still wasn’t exactly sure where this man was going. “Go for it, I guess.”

Looking reassured just from those few words, his father said “I love you. I know that these past few years have made that extremely questionable, I know, but it’s true and always has been. I’d go to hell for you. Well, I’m already going to hell, but I’d go to Rikers for you.” Joseph laughed which only brightened his father’s mood. “And no matter what you think you can’t tell me, you actually can. Anything at all, Joseph. You don’t ever need to feel ashamed or embarrassed by anything you need to say. That’s…what I’m trying to get at here.”

He didn’t know how but suddenly, Joseph knew exactly what his father had been reading about. And like with his mother, he trusted this man. But just because he trusted him…how could such a…a macho masculine man understand? Could he understand? He already knew about it so… “When…when me and Emilio were together,” Joseph whispered, unable to meet his father’s eyes even though he knew that it was okay to talk about this now, “um…um, I’m…a bit of a cuddler…”

“Would’ve never guessed.”

“Shh,” Joseph couldn’t help but laugh. Somehow, that one line was enough to give him confidence. Make him feel that this was okay to talk about with this man. With his father. Turning his head back to face him, he murmured “It’s…comforting. Reassuring that the person in your arms and the person whose arms you’re in is…it’s just…you feel…safe. Loved. I really like hugs.”

“This I also know.”

A smile twitched his mouth. “I…feel safe with Finlay. Reassured. Loved. I trust him. But…I have trouble being…close to him. I can, and have, hugged and kissed him but I can’t bring myself to just be there. In his arms or against his body or just…” He bit his lip as he let his eyes wander away from that piercing gaze. His mother and father knew how to stare, Jesus Christ. “He’s safe. And I know he’s safe. But I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack when we’re too close. Because…”

Because he was scared. Because he was gross. Because he felt gross.

He found himself enveloped in a warm embrace and the only reason that he was able to keep going was the fact that he was hiding in his father’s arms, face hidden by a strong chest that’d protect him from the world. “I hate,” he cried, his whole body shuddering with every breath, “that I have to be scared all the time. That just lying in bed with him makes me want to vomit. I-I want to be able to just…hug him or kiss him or have sex if we wanted without worrying. Without being afraid that maybe I’m going to panic any second. Without feel disgusted from myself. Without feeling so…ugly. Ruined.”

Joseph didn’t speak after that. He didn’t bother and it wasn’t like he could. He sat there and cried, shuddering cry after shuddering cry, in his father’s safe embrace. Joseph cried until his head hurt, his eyes dried, and his sinuses clogged with so much damn snot that he couldn’t breathe anymore.

“I want,” Joseph whispered into that tear stained snot covered shirt, “to feel good about myself again. I want to have a happily ever after because…because I deserve that as much as anyone else.  But…I’m terrified to try. Because it’s hard and I know that I’m going to fail and when I do, I’m going to shatter to the point that there won’t be anymore pieces for mayko to glue together anymore. And that scares me as much as I’m scared of myself.”

Chapter Text

“You look like you’ve been having a rough day,” Dr. Cho said as she sat down beside Fluffs who she claimed was now her partner. The woman was a professional and yet somehow…so amusing. He just…really liked that about her.

Damn woman, making him like her. And she knew it too.

“Um…” he twirled his finger along the stiches of Isha’s blanket, Skov’s veterinary book in his lap. This monster of a book was like the goddamn vet bible and he loved it. His parents were nice enough to listen to him blabber on but he wished he had Finlay listening too. “It’s been…it’s been a rough few days, actually.”

“Let’s talk about them.”

Talk about them. Honestly, Joseph was so broken about Finlay not visiting that baring his broken heart to this woman might actually happen. His mother said for him not to worry and his father told him that Finlay’s nuts about him, never fear, but…Joseph was fearing. Fearing a lot. “I mentioned…I mentioned before that I have a boyfriend.”

“You have.”

“He’s,” Joseph blushed as he realized that for the first time, he was going to sit here like a damn softy and gush about his bf. His own damn boyfriend. He got to brag about a guy finally. “He’s, um, really great. Like, he’s…” he covered his face with hands and groaned.

Fuck, he couldn’t do this.

And yes, hands.

Joseph’s arm was still bandaged and covered with the pressure sleeve but he had careful – very careful – use of his arm. He started getting back on his feet yesterday, surprised at his stability now that he had more food and strength in his body. Walking back and forth in the hallway had been boring as fuck, but it’d also been…freeing. He wasn’t cooped in a room anymore. He’d be in his own room by tonight.

He was actually pretty excited by the prospect. His room, his own bed, pillows, Walnut… Yeah, it’d be nice.

Would his parents share a room? Hmm…

“Where’d I lose you?” Dr. Cho called, amusement in her tone. “Tell me more about this great boy of yours. What’s his name?”

“Finlay,” Joseph replied, spinning his bracelet. “Finlay Swan. Kinda musical, huh? Makes him sound…delicate.” He snorted, “Swan, delicate. Ha. If he’s delicate, I’m not depressed.”

She ignored his admission of depression. Odd but Joseph appreciated her just a bit more because of that. “I’m sure he’s a handsome young man. Tell me some more about him.”

“You’ve maybe seen him before? He’s the tall black dude…the…only black dude who visits me. You can’t miss him. I think he’s lost weight though. Usually his shoulders look a bit more put together.”

“Do you worry for him?”

“Of course,” Joseph answered easily with a shrug. “We were…kinda sorta friends before and then he, like, confessed or some shit. He keeps saying he loves me but…I feel like love takes more time than that. Like…I like him, I like him a lot, and he’s definitely attractive although I think I usually like guys shorter than me. But love? I mean-”

“You think?”

He glanced over at her, his mind still stuck on thoughts of love. “Huh?”

Dr. Cho leaned forward a bit, her book in her lap, pen not at the ready but still there, just in case. “Why do you think you like shorter guys? Are you not sure?”

Heat flushed its way from his face down to his chest. It was like a fire had started from his embarrassment. His…shame. “I…I’m supposed to be able to tell you anything, right? Like…just…about me or life or…”

“The movie you watched. Yeah, tell me anything, Joseph, and I’ll give you some thoughts while we think about your own considerations.”

“But, like, what if what I tell you…is about other people? I don’t want it to reflect what you think of certain people.”

Her smile reminded him of that of his mother’s. Maybe it was the softness. The patience that wasn’t at all condescending. “Things are only ever between you and me. Meaning even the way I interact with other people, regardless of what you tell me, will remain the same.”

“Um, okay,” he nodded, taking a deep breath and shutting his eyes, just in case he lost his nerve from looking at her. Biting his lip, Joseph said in the steadiest voice he could manage while taking comfort from Mr. Cat “I’m gay. Until I woke up two weeks ago, I haven’t been able to say that in four years. I haven’t been able to say it because it disgusted me. It made me feel…ashamed. And…to be honest, I’m still having a bit of trouble. I may gush about Finlay here but…I know that I won’t even be able to hold his hand out there.”

Finlay would understand, right? It wouldn’t be forever, just until…just…for a bit.

“Um…I don’t know what your impression of my dad is but…he’s, um, he was extremely homophobic.” He hoped he didn’t leave holes in poor Mr. Cat from how hard he was digging his fingers in. “I didn’t exactly understand this in its entirety as I grew up but I knew that in my house, men did not like men. I grew up not understanding myself, begging God in the middle of the night with tears in my eyes, to ungay me.” Wiping the tears rolling down his cheeks, Joseph tried to laugh “It didn’t work but I tried. I even tried to ungay myself by getting a girlfriend. The sister of the boy I fancied because I knew she had a crush on me.”

It all felt like so long ago. His childhood. His life. Joseph was barely eighteen but it felt like he’d lived through and seen hundreds of years. It felt as though he hadn’t seen anyone in thousands of years. Was Emilio the same? Did he grow finally? What about his sisters? How much had Alondra grown? And what of his own family? Albena and Timotei. Did they remember him? Timotei probably didn’t. How was tetíncho Yulian’s leg? Asen. How was he? His rugrats?

Joseph had missed four years of his life and suddenly, it hurt so much that he’d never get to know what they could’ve been.

Rubbing his eyes with his knuckles, Joseph drew in a shaky breath. “I’m not gonna sit here and waste our time but when I was fourteen, my crush, my best friend, told me that he liked me. It felt like heaven had just invited me in. We were together for almost a year. We planned an entire future together. I think…I think that was probably the happiest year of my life. Still…still is. I got to be me.”

“But that all came to a halt.”

“Reality came knocking on the door,” Joseph laughed. Cried. He wasn’t even sure. Plopping his head back into his pillow and blinking up at the ceiling through his blurry eyes, he whispered “Came knocking in the form of my father. He caught us making out. You have to understand something about my dad. He’s…I love him. But, sometimes, I…also hate him so much. It frustrates me. I know he’s had a hard life but like…I get mad sometimes that he…he had to make mine hard too.”

“What happened?”

He wasn’t sure he could do this anymore. It made him seem like a fucking idiot but he didn’t want to change whatever perception this woman had of his father. Joseph just couldn’t do it. “Nothing. I-I think we’re done today.”

“Things like these are hard. They’re hard to put into words and hard to let other people hear but that’s the first step in moving on. Admitting. Recognizing. Walking past it once it’s out in the open.”

Walk past. Joseph wanted to walk past the pain he’s faced. He didn’t hold any of the times he’d been hit in his childhood against his father. Maybe that was stupid on his part but he didn’t. The only one he did was this one. Thee beating. This one because Joseph had done nothing but be himself. How dare his father beat him for being himself?

“I love my dad. He’s not an easy man but I love him for who he is.”

“What happened, Joseph?”

Clenching his jaw so hard that his teeth ached like his heart, Joseph shut his eyes and said “He beat me. He threw Emilio out and beat the shit out of me. Really, he tried to beat the fag out of me but here we are so I guess that didn’t work out, huh?”

“Where was your mom?”

“Italy,” he spat, not even understanding why he was mad at her. In all these years, he hadn’t even known that he was mad at her for not being there for him.

Okay, so…maybe talking really was a good thing.

“She was in fucking Italy having the fun of her life and I was home being beaten black and fucking bloody for falling in love.” He needed to throw something. He needed to just…he didn’t know but throwing something sounded about damn fucking right.

“Do you blame her?”

Did he blame her? How the fuck did he know? Joseph hadn’t even known that he was mad at her. “I want you to leave now,” he ground through his teeth, knowing that any second now, he’d seriously just explode. Joseph was apparently mad at his mother and he was mad at his father and now he was mad at this damn therapist and he was mad at himself for not even understanding all this anger he was suddenly inflicted with.

Tears prickled his eyes, worming their way out. Why the fuck was crying?

Why couldn’t he just understand himself like a damn normal person anymore?

“Fuck!” Joseph shouted, grabbing his lemonade cup and flinging it at the opposite wall. It was just some dumbass disposable plastic but it was all he ha-

The vase of roses.

It wasn’t like his stupid fake ass boyfriend cared about him anyways. Why the fuck should Joseph keep staring at his damn roses? His Bulgarian queen?

Fuck. Him.

Reaching out as quick as can be before Dr. Cho could take the chance to move, Joseph yanked the vase off the bedside table and flung it with all his might at the wall, the echoing explosion of glass what he needed to hear.

Now that was far more satisfying.

“FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!”

“Can you breathe with me for a moment, Joseph?”

He’d completely forgotten that the therapist bitch was here. “You can take your fucking breathing,” he hissed, pointing a sharp finger at her, “and shove it up your damn yellow ass.”

Dr. Cho seemed completely unfazed, not even bothered by his words. “Softly shut your eyes-”

“Why the hell are you still here? Fuck off!”

“Joseph?” His head swiveled to his mother who’d just walked in, taking in the carnage with wide eyes. “Joseph, sweetheart-”

“Get out.”

“I want,” Dr. Cho cut in, her voice harder than Joseph had ever heard before. Hard but not angry. More like firm. Like she wanted him to respond to authority. “You to close your eyes with me. Close them with me, Joseph.” They stared each other down, neither one backing down from the battle of wills. Without taking her eyes of Joseph, she added “Mrs. Kavinsky, if you could leave us, we’re still in session.”

“Um…” he could feel her burning gaze on him, “of course, yeah…yeah. Okay. Um, I’m right outside if you need me.”

He didn’t.

“Close your eyes with me,” Dr. Cho repeated, her cheer missing from her face. This woman seemed much more like a doctor in control. “Close them and let’s breathe together. What do you think?”

“I think you’re a fucking idiot.”

“That’s fair. We’re all entitled to our opinions. Now close those eyes of yours.”

Drained and confused and fucking…he wasn’t even sure, Joseph slammed his eyes shut because what else was he supposed to do?

“No, close them softly. Do it again.”

What the fuck.

Reopening his eyes like a good child, he repeated the maneuver, fluttering them closed. Fluttering had to be soft enough, didn’t it? “Better?” he snapped, not understanding why he was even bothering to listen to her. “This is fucking stupid.”

“That’s okay. Now, breathe-”

“I already know all this shit,” Joseph muttered, crossing his arms in the dark of his closed eyes. He’d known how to do this since he was like fucking…eight. She wasn’t going to come around and teach him the art of breathing when he had it down like a fucking mole.

Down like…

Whatever.

“I’ve been doing this since I was little, lady. You can’t teach me shit like this.”

“Then go ahead and do it for me. I’ll follow your lead. Then we’ll talk some more.”

He didn’t want to talk some more but he led them through the proper method of ‘calm the fuck down’ breathing. Joseph knew that he’d feel a bit better but it still pissed him off that he did. It was like she’d just won this round. Opening his eyes with his arms still in full on pouty mode, he glared at her smiling face and muttered “We’re done talking.”

Dr. Cho probably would’ve laughed if she didn’t already know him well enough to know that he’d get pissed if she did. “Who taught you the breathing exercises?”

“A doctor. Duh.”

She watched him intently, why though, he had no idea. Who cared who taught him? “Let’s put our last topic on pause for a moment. Why’d this doctor teach you?”

Joseph would prefer that they just moved on entirely from the last topic because he was severely frustrated, angry, and upset with both his mother and himself. Mostly himself though. He hated that he was suddenly mad at her. She didn’t deserve his anger. “I had – have, I should say – problems with anxiety. Severe panic attacks and shit. I used to take meds for it but I stopped.”

“Why?”

Blushing and not meeting her eyes because he knew how stupid this was going to sound, Joseph mumbled “They didn’t go well with weed so I picked the weed.”

Nodding, she wrote this down and asked “How long ago would you say that was?”

“Dunno…maybe a few years? Three maybe? Something like that.”

“How did this come about?” Dr. Cho held her pen at the ready, looking pretty damn serious. Was it because they were talking medication or his attacks? “These panic attacks. And did your parents take you to the doctor because they noticed or…?”

Biting his lip while scratching just under his ear, Joseph sighed, dropping his head back into his pillow. These sessions exhausted him and yet he couldn’t find a reason to tell the doctor to fuck off. Deep down, he knew that he actually enjoyed the time they spent together. God forbid, if he ever admitted that he might even look forward to their sessions. “Can’t we just stop for today? I’m tired.” Mentally and physically. “I’m really…” he sighed again, staring up at the ceiling, “I’m really tired. I’m tired.”

“Why’d you throw the roses, Joseph?”

Seriously right now? And what was with all this bouncing of subjects? She was fucking with his brain. “Fuck off.”

“Why’d you throw them? You told me before that you loved them. That they were beautiful. That they made you feel really good. Why’d you throw them?”

Rubbing his face to the point of rugburn via hand, Joseph snapped “Just fuck off, dammit.”

“Why, Joseph.”

“Because!” he shouted, sitting up and glaring at her with all his fury. Henrietta summer caused stifling conditions as it was, but his anger and frustration only made it worse. “Just fucking BECAUSE! Because I damn well felt like it! Because…because…just fucking because, OKAY!”

“You’re frustrated.”

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I AM!”

Dr. Cho nodded, not even close to deterred or bothered by his shouting. “You’re angry because you’re confused. Because you had a torrid of emotions and you couldn’t grasp what you were feeling. You were frustrated because you were confused.”

That…that actually sounded…

Right.

Drawing up his knees, he rested his forehead against them, hiding away because he couldn’t bring himself to look at her. She was right on the money and it embarrassed him. What kind of idiot couldn’t understand their own emotions? Tears streamed down his cheeks, “It’s so embarrassing. I should be able to…” Joseph laughed, shaking his head against his bony ass knees. “I’m so fucking pathetic.”

Something brushed against his leg causing him to turn his head to the side and find Dr. Cho standing beside his bed. There was a paper bag on the bed, tantalizing in the possibilities that it might hold. “I brought this for you. Why don’t you take a look?”

Joseph blinked at her for a blank moment before dragging his eyes to the bag. “For me?” he whispered, his voice cracking from his sorrows. “Can I open it now?”

“Yes, please do.”

Taking the bag and setting it between his legs, Joseph peeked inside, confused by what he saw. He pulled out a set of paint and read it over carefully. What the fuck did he need with watercolors? “Thanks…I guess?” Setting the paint aside, he took out the notepad and pack of brushes. “So…watercolors, watercolor paper, and paintbrushes? You want an artist, you go to Jiang or my cousin Anka, not me. I design cars. I ain’t no fucking painter. I thought you’re supposed to know me?”

With a laugh, she took the watercolor pad and held it up. “This is a month’s supply of paper. When you run out, I’ll be more than happy to get you more or you can get some yourself. This is a month’s supply because every night, I want you to reflect on your day through color.” She set down the pad and held up the paints, “This pan has forty-eight colors of which you can mix together and make even more.”

“Reflect on my day,” he muttered, curious as much as he didn’t want to be. She’d pushed him like hell today and yet here he was interested by her little gift of colors. “So draw a picture?”

“If that’s what you’d like,” Dr. Cho answered, setting the paints back down. “I don’t want you to focus on the events, I want you to focus on your feelings.”

Did this bitch not get that he couldn’t fucking understand what the hell he was feeling?

It’s like she knew he was about to protest because she held up her hand to stop him from speaking. “You don’t have to tell me what your feeling. I want you to express what you’re feeling through,” she tapped the paints, “these colors. You have trouble putting words to your feelings so how about we try putting colors to them? Every color invokes a feeling. For example, we all understand that certain shades of red express levels of anger. Maybe through your day, you didn’t understand your anger but it was at the low level-”

“So I go for like…a light red?” Feelings through color? It…sounded complicated but it couldn’t be harder than the frustration he went through just trying to name how he was feeling.

“Exactly. Maybe you also felt happy about something so you add in a dash of whatever color you believe represents that. Try to paint the size of color to how much you might’ve felt that day. Then when we have our weekly sessions, bring your notepad with you and we’ll try to decipher the emotions we find there.”

“So…I don’t have to try and figure it out before hand? Take notes in a dumbass journal or something?”

“Journals are very helpful for some people,” Dr. Cho said, looking at him with the first disproving eye he’d ever received. “Don’t knock what you haven’t tried. But no, we’ll try to figure it out together. I just want you to document it. Fair?”

Joseph glanced down at his gift. Emotion through color.

How hard could that be?

Chapter Text

“Hey, tatko?”

Ivo stumbled, nearly taking Joseph down with him. His son gave him a weird look before his eyes went wide, realizing what he had inadvertently said. Clearing his throat and trying to totally act like this was all fine and cool and not groundbreaking, Ivo said “Yeah?”

Joseph blushed before looking away and resuming their walk in the hospital’s garden. He was due to go home in an hour and they’d decided that he should still get his hour of sunshine first. Of course, within reason because they didn’t want his grafts to get damaged so he had to go out in a long sleeve. It was light but Joseph still wasn’t happy. Ivo didn’t blame him. Sure, summer in Jersey could be a nasty humid bitch but Henrietta was one hell of a fucker. “Um…” he sighed heavily, “never mind. Fuck it.”

“No, no, don’t ‘fuck it,’” Ivo replied, taking Joseph’s abused hand in his as they walked. The bruising he’d suffered from the IV was clearing up but nothing was pretty about the motley mash of yellow and green. They passed the boxes of herbs, their freshness slicing through Henrietta’s nasty ass air. Jersey’s air was polluted, sure, but Henrietta’s was suffocating. Did they know what wind was around here? “C’mon, what’s up? You’ve made it this far so tell me what’s on your degenerate mind.”

His son laughed, leaning into Ivo and setting his head on his shoulder. Yeah, his fucking head. Ivo was so not over how tall Joseph was. He looked even taller because he was all bones. “Degenerate? Tsk, tsk, Lord Kavinsky, who the hell are you calling a degenerate?”

Oh, his kid was a degenerate alright. Not only had Ivo done a check through police records but he’d gone around and asked people what they knew about Joseph Kavinsky.

“Quick question,” Ivo said with the charming smile he knew made everyone buy whatever shit he was selling as he paid for giant ass Walnut’s food, “I’ve been hearing the name Kavinsky going around…” the cashier’s eyes went wide and hell if that wasn’t a warning signal, “and I’m just curious about it. Is it someone important…?”

The boy laughed, he was maybe a few years older than Joseph, as he bagged the cans of food. “Kavinsky? Well, depends who you’re talking to. To the addicts, he’s real important, sir, lemme tell you. To everyone else, he’s that bear that you don’t want to poke unless you plan on dying that minute.”

“Would you like to make that a medium for an extra fifty cents?” the girl named ‘Eva’ asked as she rang up his order at some shack called Good Burger. According to Jiang, if you wanted a good burger around here, you either went to McDonald’s-

‘the fuckin’ Mickey D’s, Mr. K’

-or to Good Burger. Being that Ivo had had McDonalds plenty of times before, he decided to go for the other option. “Nah, it’s fine, thank you.” Eva tapped a few things on the register, “Can you add a milkshake with that? Chocolate.” Technically, Joseph still wasn’t allowed much crap but Ivo would give him a few sips. “Hey, question, you ever hear the name Kavinsky?” The girl jammed the buttons harder. “Been hearing it around a bit. I’m new around here-”

“Then stay the hell away from that asshole. Trust me, that’s the best advice you’ll ever hear in your life. Anything else with your order?”

“Be it from me to judge the actions of others, but Jesus, Joseph, have you made a name for yourself.”

“In a good way?” he said cheekily, seemingly better than his previous demeanor.

Previous…screaming demeanor.

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I AM!”

Ivo glanced at the closed door before taking a seat beside Vesela. He was supposed to go make sure the house was clean and ready for people to live in it again instead of just for stop ins but since Nikol was here, she’d been more than happy to take care of it.

He of course had no problems with her taking care of it.

“You…uh…”

“I already went in earlier but she told me to leave,” Vesela murmured, looking cool as a cucumber slushie that Ivo wanted to eat. The slushie, not his wife, because it was stifling as fuck, Jesus fucking Christ.

Not that he had any qualms about eating his wife but he knew she didn’t want him to so…

Vesela seemed unworried but just from the little crease between her brows as she looked at her phone did Ivo know that she was concerned. “She’s a doctor, I’m sure she knows what she’s doing.”

“Mhmm.”

“He has a lot of emotions to work through and I’m positive Dr. Cho will figure how to step with him.”

“You trying to reassure me or yourself?”

She never did answer his question.

“No,” Ivo snorted as they took a seat at a bench surrounded by plants galore. Sure, gardens were nice but couldn’t they give someone some type of reaction or something? Allergies? “Not in a good way.”

“Eh,” Joseph shrugged, leaning forward and resting his arms – his right with care – on his legs as he stared down at the floor. A beetle skittered past Joseph’s socks and sandals clad feet. “As…someone who’s been in a relationship for a very long time, um…”

“This about Finlay still not coming?”

“Yeah.” Letting out a heavy sigh, he slid a foot back and forth along the cement with crunching skids breaking the peace of the garden. “I know I fucked up, I get it, but how am I supposed to apologize if he doesn’t come? I can’t go to him.”

“You can now.”

Joseph scratched his good hand along his head, the short hairs growing out from the former buzz parting ways for his bony fingers. “No way in God fucking hell am I going anywhere near Aglionby. I’m going to become a hermit, in fact.”

Yawning and stretching his arm along the back of the bench, Ivo replied “Dunno if that’s going to fix your relationship though. You’re the one who messed up, then you’re the one who needs to do the hard work and groveling.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“It can be.”

“No, it can’t be,” Joseph said, sounding tired beyond his years. Exhausted. Straightening and leaning back into the bench, his eyes trailed a butterfly as he murmured “I show up at Aglionby and it’ll be a shit show. I may not have been connected with the outside world the past few weeks but I know that everyone knows what happened.”

Ivo didn’t disagree. He’d taken note of not only how gossip flowed through this town but how any gossip about certain people – especially his son – flowed better than any other. “So? Are you ashamed?”

“It’s not about the shame,” Joseph answered, scratching at his freshly cleaned jaw. He didn’t get much hair on his face but like Ivo, he preferred it smooth. “You need to understand, besides for the three guys you’ve met, plus Prokopenko and Gwen, everyone harbors very ill feelings towards me. Which I totally understand. It’s not like I painted myself any less than an asshole. But I know these things and people know I know these things and yet the majority are going to smile in my face and say that they’re glad I’m okay.” Joseph laughed. “We all know that they don’t mean it.”

He wasn’t sure how to say this without sounding mean. It probably meant that there was no other way to say it, really. “You brought it upon yourself. No one told you to be an asshole. Or mean. Or cruel, a drug dealer, a jackass, a piece of shit-”

“Okay, okay, thank you.”

“I’m just saying. When you frame yourself as something, then expect the repercussions that come with it. You’re a very likable person but you chose to make yourself something else.”

Joseph stretched out his long legs and rested his head back on Ivo’s arm, staring up at the sky. “Likable, huh? That why you never liked me? Because I was oh so likable?”

“I’ve always loved you,” Ivo snorted, unfazed in the least because it was like dealing with his own assholic personality. “I’m just a shit father. Doesn’t mean I loved you any less. If you weren’t likable, your cousins wouldn’t like you the way they hate hanging around with what’s-his-face with the big ears.” Joseph snorted in amusement, rolling his eyes. “Out of their cousins, they like you the best. You think that’s because you’re unlikable? Emilio, to this day, adores you. Is that because you’re unlikable? Or what about-”

“He has a boyfriend.”

Now the question was, how did Joseph know that? Ivo knew it because he’d heard and seen. Joseph wasn’t even in Jersey to see by chance which meant someone had told him. “He does. Tall black kid whatever his name is.”

“Marcus.”

Ivo knew Marcus’ name. How Joseph knew… “That’s the one. So how do you know all this?”

“You know what’s funny,” Joseph murmured, seemingly speaking to himself as he stared out at the garden around them, “is that when I found out, I was jealous. It hurt. But it also made me happy because I wanted him to move on and be happy. Have a life. I was happy but I was burning with so much envy that someone besides me got to have him.”

“And now?”

“Saying it out loud right now…” he leaned his head back once more, shutting his eyes as his mouth curled into a smile, “now I was just want him to meet Finlay so I can rub my boyfriend in his face and tell him how much cooler my tall black dude is than his own.” He frowned, “Of course, I’d have to get my tall black dude back to be able to brag about him.”

“You haven’t lost him,” Ivo pointed out, taking a glance at his watch. They had to get up and get ready to go. “He’s just distanced himself for now. He’s hurt and he has a right to be hurt. Come on, let’s get moving. Up.”

Joseph dragged himself to his feet, still frowning. “I know that but like…” he sighed as he trailed behind Ivo, not another word escaping his lips.

They walked in silence out of the garden and back into the hospital, Joseph remaining a couple steps behind him no matter how many times Ivo paused to let him catch up. By the time they reached Joseph’s room, the silence was so damn annoying that Ivo didn’t even bother waiting for Joseph and just went right in where Vesela stood packing up their stuff. “How was the walk?”

“Fine until it became stifling,” Ivo snorted, looking over the stuff on the bed. “This everything?”

“I think so. We’re all good to go.” She looked over at mopey boy leaning against the sink. “Ready?” Joseph shrugged, still frowning. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he sighed, not meeting her eyes. “Just nothing.”

Vesela glanced over at Ivo and he snorted “He’s upset lover boy hasn’t been coming around. I told him he’s not going to until Joseph apologizes.”

“What part of ‘I can’t go’ don’t you get?” Joseph snapped, his head whipping over in Ivo’s direction, showing off his furious face. It was almost like looking in a mirror except the heart of Joseph’s pain and anger came from somewhere else. “And I don’t even know where the fuck my phone is.”

Slinging a duffel on his shoulder and grabbing another bag while shoving an escaping beanie baby back in, Ivo replied “You can go. The only one stopping you is you.” Joseph opened his mouth, the fire burning hotter than ever in his eyes but Ivo cut him off before he could speak, “You’re not ashamed then act like it. You tried to kill yourself? Congratulations, you lived. Those people mean nothing to you and you nothing to them. Show it. Prove it. Act it. Finlay is the one who matters to you?” Joseph said nothing, his jaw clenched tight and his arms crossed. “Yes or no?”

“Yes,” he answered icily.

“Then prove it to him. Go to his door, go looking for him. He wouldn’t want you to face those people anyways. He’d make sure you were hidden, would be honored that you risked what you didn’t want to just for him. Right?”

Joseph still looked pissed but was on the line of more pouty than angry as his arms slid to his sides with a heavy sigh. “Right.” His eyes found their way to Fluffs sitting on the cot, waiting to get to his new home. “Shouldn’t I buy him something?”

Hey, hey, Ivo’s harsh advice was working. Nice. “That couldn’t hurt.”

“Something…cheesy because he’s a cheesy fucker.”

“No way around that one,” Vesela laughed, grabbing the other bags and nodding at all the flowers around the room. Most were on their last limbs but Vesela had made sure that they lasted at least until they got home. Some had joined other’s in their baskets or vases, reducing the amount to two vases and a basket of flowers. It would’ve been three vases if this morning hadn’t happened. Vesela had worked hard with those roses and hadn’t been happy at their demise. “Grab Fluffs and your flowers.”

Scratching at the good side of his neck, Joseph looked between them as Ivo stooped down to pick up a stray bag trying to get away. Vesela had loaded some stuff in the car while they were on their garden walk so Ivo was amazed there was still so much shit here. “Can I get like…sunglasses or something? A hat?”

“What are you, a celebrity?” Ivo muttered, rolling his eyes, but nonetheless handing over his glasses. “There might be a cap in the car.”

“I’d just prefer to make it home unscathed,” Joseph murmured, sliding on the glasses and looping giant Fluffs in one arm while picking up the basket of flowers in another. “I think we’ll need another trip. Also, can we stop at Walmart? I need one of yous to pick out something for Finlay.”

“Shouldn’t you at least tell me what to pick up?”

“That way its more from you,” Vesela added. “Maybe anything would work but think of the little details.”

Joseph glanced at her in confusion, the corner of his mouth twisting downwards while an eyebrow went up. “What do you mean? Cheesy is cheesy.”

Taking a seat on the cot for a moment, Vesela explained “Think of it like this. I like any sort of gift your bashtá gives me because he bought it or made it for me. Because it came from him. But let’s say he bought it in blue-”

Only an idiot would buy Vesela something in blue. She liked it, but if Ivo wanted to win, he bought something in pink. Or green. Blue his ass.

“-which is fine because I’ll love it. However, if he’d gotten it in pink, I would love it just a bit more. Why do you think?”

“Because it’s your favorite color,” Joseph said with an easy shrug. “Of course you’d like it more.”

 “I’d like it more because it means he was paying attention to me. Taking little notes about the small things. You get it?”

His son seemed to be processing the words extremely hard, his forehead collapsing on itself as he did. Biting at his lip, Joseph murmured “Yeah, okay…” Blinking harshly like he was clearing his head, he looked up at Vesela and asked “So…something yellow? He likes yellow. A lot. He likes bright colors. Bright and bold and BAM, in your damn face. And he likes plants and…uhm…motorcycles and select books about spies and reporters and….”

Ivo couldn’t help it. “Why yellow? It’s so damn fucking bright and…bright.” Ivo would have to be on the verge of death to be convinced to wear yellow. Even then, it’d take a whole lot of persuasion.

“That’s why.” A smile lit his face as he quoted with his fingers “’You just be ignorant to the beauty of bright colors on black skin.’” Pointing at Ivo, he added “Your first lesson in black dude fashion according to Finlay Swan. Take notes, you might need them later.”

This boy, no, man in front of him may not entirely look like his child anymore but he sure as fuck still acted like him.

Dork to the fucking max.

Ivo couldn’t be happier.

Chapter Text

Despite Joseph wanting to fix things with Finlay as soon as he could, whether he liked it or not, he had to go home first.

Honestly, he wasn’t sure he was ready.

It wasn’t about facing his tétka’s family or having both his parents in the same home again or even living with undead Ivo. It was the simple matter that he’d set up that house for a goodbye and now he was walking in for a hello all over again. Really, it was a little cruel of the world.

Clutching Fluffs as tight as he could with one arm to his chest and the other arm keeping Mr. Cat as close as could be, Joseph trailed after his mother to the door, nerves buzzing like bees that couldn’t find their queen. Had she found his notes? All the things he’d left to be found? Had she read his suicide note? Joseph hoped not. It was filled with words for her to read after his death, not to read only to want to talk to him about it. It was a final goodbye, not a conversation opener.

Had Finlay opened his note?

Fuck. He had to take them back before anyone read anything.

“We’re here!” his mother cheered, walking in to the sound of voices greeting her with Joseph coming in behind her. The house smelled so good. He breathed in the scent. It smelled like his tétka’s delicious cooking. Not better than his mother’s but damn close. “Who wants to help carry crap from the car?”

Joseph couldn’t help but smile. She sounded so…not just happy but…alive. Herself again. Like things were finally going right in the world because she had a majority of her family back with her all over again. “They’re all lazy asses,” Joseph snorted as a chorus of ‘no, thanks’ met his mother’s words. He lost his chance to say more, however, as loud barking cut him off.

Shit, she was probably going to try and jump on him.

Putting down Fluffs as fast as he could before he could get ruined because unlike Mr. Cat, he wasn’t a mess yet, Joseph barely had a chance to brace himself before Walnut reached him and jumped up, barking like she’d never been happier in her life. Her huge paws were nearly on his shoulders as she stuck out her mile long tongue, licking him anywhere she could manage while still somehow whimpering in excitement.

It was inevitable, of course, that they’d tip.

Ergo, it was inevitable that Joseph would try and catch their fall. Which meant using his arms because how else was one supposed to catch themselves? He had to hand it to himself though; slamming down on his arm was one of the most painful things he’d ever felt but he didn’t scream. It was more of an internal yet external groan and moan of severe ‘I’m gonna die, dear Lord help me, omg I need my mom like fuck now’ sort of thing.

He was pretty proud of it actually.

Joseph rolled over onto his stomach to hide his pain as he moaned while on the verge of tears, holding his body up by his left arm with his right that was one fire clutched to his chest. They were hands on his shoulders, his mother’s to be exact, as he groaned out a broken curse. “Fuck. Me. Fuck.”

Walnut whimpered, nosing at his ribs with her big as nose as his mother helped him into a sitting position, her face cringing with him. “Do we need to go back to the hospital? How bad is it? Should we ban Walnut to the backyard?”

It was like the big dog knew she’d done wrong and was in trouble, bowing down in front of Joseph and whimpering, her tail droopy as fuck. Joseph’s face was still grimacing and his arm was still engulfed in flames but he patted poor Walnut who hadn’t known any better on her big ass head. “I know you didn’t mean it, you oaf.” She licked his hand, pressing her nose into his palm. “Stupid dog.”

“So no hospital?”

“Hospital?” Skov squeaked, which didn’t make any sense because Joseph knew that he hadn’t come with them. In fact, he hadn’t seen him at all today so… “Why hospital? You just got home!”

Blinking through his haze of pain, Joseph stared at Skov and Jiang standing in the doorway before they got pushed by his father bringing bags in. “Don’t stand in the fucking way,” his father muttered before pausing and taking in the scene. “What happened?”

“Walnut missed me,” Joseph answered, not caring anymore about the pain as he stared at his friends. “Why are you fuckers here?”

Skov looked scandalized, clutching his gift bag to his chest. “To welcome you home! Duh! That’s why I have to make sure you’re home for good. So are you?”

“I guess.”

“Perfect!” Skov cheered, looking oh so positively ecstatic. He walked over and sat on the floor beside Joseph and his mother. Skov made it a point to leave a good foot between himself and Walnut. “Then here you go!” he exclaimed, holding out the bag. “This is the ‘yay, you’re home!’ gift. It’s another building thing because I figure its best to keep your hands busy.”

Joseph paused as he accepted the bag. “Why?”

The way Skov blushed in that second was too damn cute. Not that Joseph would ever admit that to anyone. “So…you know…”

“So you don’t try and off yourself again,” Jiang snorted where he still stood in the doorway. “He wants to keep your hands and mind busy.”

“That’s not very subtle,” Skov grumbled, not meeting Joseph’s eyes. “You’re terrible.”

“Fuck subtle, man. Since when has K ever been subtle?”

“I can be subtle,” Joseph muttered, taking the bag and pulling out another robotics kit. This one had a shit ton more pieces. He had a feeling it’d take him a good long while. Skov sure did want to keep him busy.  “I can be the king of subtilty.”

“Uhuh.”

“I can.”

“The only thing you can be subtle about is checking out dudes,” Jiang laughed, walking in further as he yawned, stretching his arms up high in the sky with a satisfied groan. “Because you don’t want us watching you checking them out. I, of course, notice every time.”

“No you don’t,” he muttered because he did make it a point to not let anyone catch him maybe kinda sorta watching some…possibly…good looking guys.

He was admitting to nothing.

“Do too. I always pay attention to see if someone’s checking me out.”

The joke was on Jiang then. Opening the box to take a look at all the thousands of pieces, Joseph, completely forgetting that he had quite a large audience besides his friends, snorted “I’ve never once checked you out. Sorry to break your heart.”

“And that’s the problem!” Jiang exclaimed, throwing his hands in Joseph direction like he just didn’t understand how the fuck this was possible. He plopped down onto one of the island stools and said “Every guy checks me out! I’m fine as fuck!”

“Subjective.”

“And yet not once,” Jiang continued, either not catching Joseph’s word or ignoring it, “have you looked in my direction and been like ‘damn! I’d tap that!’”

“Because I wouldn’t.”

“That’s what I don’t get!” Joseph just focused on taking out the pieces and reading the instructions as Skov stared at Jiang with his wide innocent eyes. “What does Skov have that I don’t?”

Ah, this fucker.

“Me?” Skov squeaked in horror, ever the one to have a panic attack when he was the object of supposed desire. He’d suffered a lot of jokes at Jiang’s hands. He glanced between Jiang and Joseph, “He’s…just joking. Duh.” Joseph glanced up from the instructions, blinking at Skov because, well, no, Jiang was in fact correct. “Joking.” Skov waited for Joseph to affirm it.

There would be no affirming.

Poor Puppy glanced between them again, his blush deepening by the second from his cheeks down his neck and probably his chest too if Joseph could see beneath his white tee. “Joking?”

“No, I’m not fucking joking,” Jiang snorted. “Yo, how blind are you?”

Skov gave Joseph another look. “How blind am I?”

Joseph shrugged and resumed his reading. “I guess extremely.”

“Um…huh…?”

“You asked, I answered.”

“Oh.” Joseph waited for Skov to say more because he was the type of guy who just had to talk things out no matter how awkward it might end up being. It took a few quiet minutes but eventually Skov asked “Um…so like…you think I’m handsome?”

Joseph turned the page with a loud crinkle. “No, I think you’re cute. They’re not the same thing. Finlay is handsome. You’re cute. Vast difference.”

He was silent for a few seconds before asking “What’s the difference?”

To be honest, Joseph wasn’t too sure. He just knew that was how it was. “You’re you, all…” he waved the loudest crinkliest instruction book in the world around a bit as he tried to find the right words, “uh…like…petite and pretty.”

Never in the time Joseph had known Skov had he seen him blush as bad as he was now. If his eyeballs had the capability to blush, they’d be blushing along with the rest of him.

“Finlay is…” he made squarish motion with his hands before repeating the gesture and making him into a perfect square because, well, Joseph may think he had a thing for guys on the shorter side, but Finlay was something. He was muscles but not buff, lean but not skinny, had that long ass torso a person would find on a swimmer…those gorgeous eyes… “He’s fine.” Jiang burst into laughter, a giddy laugh like he’d been waiting all his life for this moment. “He’s…y’know…manly.”

“I can be manly,” Skov muttered, crossing his arms and totally dejected as if he even wanted Joseph to crush on him. “I’m not that short. God.”

“Yo, man, why you offended?” Jiang snorted in amusement, opening a banana and taking a bite. He made sure to swallow before he spoke because he probably remembered that the last time he spoke with a mouth full of banana, Joseph slapped him for it. “Plus, he likes short people. Swan’s an exception.”

“I admit to nothing,” he replied, returning back to his reading. This thing sounded hard as fuck. Goddamn, did Skov want him to have a brain hernia?

“And anyways, if you knew half the things he’s thought about you, you’d be running a mile away already.”

Skov’s eyes went so wide, Joseph caught the motion even while still reading. “What kind of things?”

“Nothing. Don’t listen to him. He’s a liar,” Joseph cut in before Jiang said something stupid.

Of course, that didn’t stop Jiang because he was naturally stupid. How Isha put up with him, they’d never know. “I’m just saying I’m not the only one who’s ever thought about your lips suck-”

“Oh my God,” Skov groaned, covering his face as he tumbled backwards onto his back despite the floor being hard ass tile. “There’s two of them now.”

“I never said a thing,” Joseph said to the chorus of Skov’s continuous groans, his face burning despite himself. “And anyways, even if maybe I ever thought such a thing, I wouldn’t bother now.”

“Yeah, Swan got fine as fuck lips, man,” Jiang said full of surety as he nodded. “I mean, dayyum, you’d think he got fillers or something.”

“I will throw something at you.”

Jiang blew a very ugly raspberry after the last bite of his banana. “Oh yeah? What, Skov’s gift, your dog, or your mom?”

His mom?

Oh, fuck.

He’d completely forgotten that she was sitting right damn next to him. No wonder he was so calm; she instilled calmness into the world. Turning his head slowly, he stared at her stupid smiling face that somehow, looked like Jiang’s.

It was like they’d never been happier in their lives.

“You’re so cute when you talk gay!” she squealed, yanking him into a tight hug, strangling the damn life out of him. She pressed one of those nasty ass kisses that were made to annoy against his temple, “You’re freaking adorable! I love it!”

“Stop,” he grumbled, trying to push her off but she had one hell of an iron grip. His mother kissed him again, laughing that laugh he’d loved since he was a child. “Stop it, woman. You’re so damn annoying. You and that stupid fucker over there.” He kicked Skov in the ankle who was still groaning into his hands, “And you, shut the hell up. Get over it. You should be flattered.”

“Flattered!” Skov shouted, sitting straight up and still blushing as fuck. After all this time, how could he seriously still be blushing about it? Jesus. “My friends have been having secret dirty thoughts about my mouth.”

Finding that there was no way to get his mother off of him, Joseph decided to just settle into her embrace. Might as well enjoy it. “I actually told you about what Jiang thought. That makes it not secret.”

“You didn’t tell me you were thinking the same thing!”

Joseph shrugged. “How the hell do you think it came up? White boys don’t typically have nice lips, you should be happy.”

“Really.”

“You should,” Jiang agreed. “You’ve been blessed with nice lips, man. K’s got a nice bottom one but you’ve got the full package. You should be proud, prodigy.”

“Do I have nice lips?”

They turned and stared at Andrey rubbing his mouth in thought. Ever the one to ask the stupid questions. Obviously, that hadn’t changed. “Seriously right now.”

Andrey glanced between him and Jiang. “What? I want to know. I’m a white boy. Do I have a nice mouth? Ivet doesn’t tell me these things. She’s not one all about words, you know that.”

“Andrey, don’t ask such a ridiculous question,” tétka Nikol snorted, looking particularly uncomfortable. It was the uncomfortableness that not even his father was expressing that annoyed Joseph. If his formerly homophobic father could laugh with them, then this bitch had to get the fuck over herself. “Why would you want them to answer that?”

“Why not? I asked Joseph and Emilio before if I was good looking or not.” Andrey shrugged, looking particularly proud of himself. “Emilio said he thought I was mighty fine.”

“Actually,” Joseph couldn’t help but correct because if he was finally allowed to talk about the best year of his life, then he was going to damn well enjoy it. “You asked if you were pretty. There’s a difference between the two. And I never answered so don’t include me.”

“Well, you said my ears were fine.”

“You grew into them.”

“See? That’s something. Are my lips fine too? Maybe I’m entirely fine?”

“I like this dude,” Jiang said, nodding in thought as he appraised Andrey with a new lens. Looking at Joseph and pointing at Andrey, he repeated “I like this dude.”

Packing up the pieces before Walnut decided to eat one, Joseph snorted “He’s free, you can keep him.”

“Yo, dude I like, have I ever shown you my bae?” Joseph rolled his eyes because once you were liked by Xia Jiang, your life was over. He’d never leave you alone again. “He’s fine as fuck. Drop dead gorgeous to the max and adorable to the max times ten. He’s the hottest thing on this planet. Sexy to the-”

“He must have the patience of a goddamn saint,” his father interrupted, plopping down onto the couch now that his work of unloading was done. “How in the fuck does he put up with you?”

Jiang said something and his father said something back but Joseph didn’t listen to the words. He just smiled and appreciated the fact that his house felt like a home. It had noise. It had life.

It was good to be home.

Chapter Text

Someone had touched his stuff.

It was easy to say his mother probably touched his things and Joseph was positive that she had, flushing drugs, getting him clothes, and whatever else. That was fine. His father had to pull Mr. Cat out of the closet so that was fine too because he knew that his father wouldn’t have touched anything else. He wasn’t the type to snoop, especially not with their relationship on the iffy train.

No, whoever had touched his shit not only didn’t have the okay from him but they also didn’t even know how to cover their own tracks. Picking up the bottle of lube just sitting there on the floor, completely forgotten, Joseph pulled open his top nightstand drawer to see what else had been moved.

The answer was everything.

Literally, this person had no fucking respect to just go through his things without even trying to make it look like they hadn’t. They were going to bring hell upon their heads all by themselves. No effort from him even. They’d caused the problem all by their lonesome.

With the bottle clutched tight in his hand, Joseph strode out of his room – Walnut on his heels because she wasn’t letting him out of her sights anytime soon – and came to a stop at the small landing before the top of the stairs, leaning himself over the railing. “Yo, fuckshits,” Joseph snapped, specifically looking at Anka because he’d bet fucking Walnut that she was the one who’d touched his crap, “next time you want to go through my things, at least make it look like you didn’t.”

All eyes were on him while Anka had the nerve to roll hers, probably thinking he wasn’t on to her already. “No one touched-”

She was lucky she was a girl because no matter what fury burned within him, he’d never physically hurt one. Instead of flinging the tube at her face, which he would’ve done with a guy, her threw it at the floor, making sure to pass her ear by an inch. “Like fuck you didn’t! Who the fuck-”

“Joseph-” his mother began from where she stood in the kitchen.

“-do you think you fucking are, you fucking bitch!”

“Hey!” his mother snapped, catching his full attention. She didn’t need to yell to be effective with him. All she had to do was use that right tone of voice that made him feel like he was unworthy to even be around her. “Stop. We do not throw things-”

“Mayko-”

“I’m not finished. We don’t throw and we don’t-”

“She was going through my room-”

“I am talking.” Despite himself, his jaw clamped shut as she crossed her arms, her eyes flashing and daring him to try and interrupt again. “We don’t throw and we don’t yell-”

She couldn’t be serious right now. “What should I do, then, huh? Say thank you for touching my things without permission? She can sit there with her arms crossed all high and mighty fooling no one. She just can’t expect me to not call her out for it. I have a very small bullshit meter.”

Anka looked unfazed, her eyes just as sharp as his had to be. “You and your ‘boyfriend’ apparently. Let’s not forget he dumped you pretty quick for your bullshit.”

“Bitch, you didn’t,” Jiang whispered, his jaw dropping as Skov’s eyes went wide in shock. “You don’t touch that. You do not. Holy shit paste.” His gaze flicked over to Joseph, looking worried and in any other moment, Joseph would’ve laughed at that worry. Or made a joke at the very least. “He didn’t-”

“Jiang, shut up.”

His buddy opened his mouth before he must’ve thought about it and closed it, looking unhappy. But it seemed where Jiang lacked, Skov wanted to make up for it. Surprising, because typically, puppy didn’t have the balls to be confrontational.

But he wasn’t looking at Joseph.

“That’s really rude, you know,” Skov said, a certain sternness to his voice that all the guys knew to be his disappointed voice. Like a ‘damn, I though better of you.’ “Making fun of someone like that, especially when that someone has been through a lot because of how they feel. You don’t know anything about him and you sure as hell don’t know anything about Swan so just shut up. You did wrong so stop acting like you didn’t and apologize.”

Damn, he was cute.

“He’s my cousin. I know him better than you do.”

“I’m not immature enough to be dragged into a stupid conversation like that,” Skov snorted, crossing his arms, his head taking on a superior tilt. “You were wrong and you know you were wrong but you don’t want to admit it so you’re getting defensive. Trust me, I’ve seen it. I hang out with assholes.” Both he and Jiang burst into laughter making Skov roll his eyes. “Well, I do. You guys aren’t exactly prime choices or anything.”

Pointing his finger down at the blonde boy, Joseph replied “Hey, no one forced you.”

“I blame Sasha.”

“And,” Joseph added, switching his finger pointing to Jiang, “it was your idea to let him hang out with us. You brought him, not me. The only person I brought was Proko and you fuckers all attached yourselves to my amazingness.”

Skov just rolled his eyes, his arms still crossed across his chest as he sat on a couch. “Please stop showing everyone how conceited you are. It’s unbecoming.”

“He’s entirely unbecoming,” Jiang laughed, walking over and stooping down to pick up the lube. “This brand any good? Never tried it before. I call dibs. It’s mine now.”

It wasn’t even worth deigning that with a response as Joseph rolled his eyes and walked back to his room, point having been made. He didn’t think Anka would be coming near him anytime soon which worked perfectly fine for him. It wasn’t like he’d asked them to come anyways.

Taking initiative wasn’t always a good thing.

“Hey, K?” Skov’s head poked into the room, his eyes going wide with wonderous sparkles lighting them up. “Oh, I like your room!” Bouncing in as Joseph dropped down onto a bed he hadn’t realized he’d missed so bad, the little blonde said “It’s so nice. And personal! I approve.” He threw himself into the bean bag, arms and legs splaying out like dead fish. “Can I sleep over?”

Dear Lord, a door had opened. “Skov-”

“Please?”

Those puppy eyes worked wonders but so did Joseph’s stubbornness. He wasn’t a Kavinsky for nothing. “No.”

Skov pursed his lips, his eyes beginning to water.

Fuck.

“Are you seriously going to cry?” Joseph all but snapped because it wasn’t cool to fuck with his tired emotions. Tears from anyone else wouldn’t bother him but Skov and his stupid oceans made him feel guilty. “Fine,” he agreed with an angry snort, crossing his arms. “There, you happy?”

Clapping like a fucking seal while his nonexistent puppy ears perked, Skov nodded excitedly. “Thank you!”

“What are you turds talking about,” Jiang yawned, walking in without a care like he owned the place. He seemed to own a lot of places. “Something gouda?”

“I’m gonna sleep over!” Skov squealed, his hands reaching for the sky. “My first sleepover!”

For Swan, Joseph understood why he’d never had sleepovers before. But Skov had the most normal life out of all of them. Closer to Joseph’s if he didn’t have dream powers. Hell, more normal than his even. “Why have you never had a sleepover before?”

Hands dropping and giving Joseph the ‘are you stupid’ look, Skov snorted “I know you haven’t met my mom but you know enough. C’mon, K, you’re supposed to be the smartest out of us.”

That was a fair point. She didn’t sound easy. She’d never sounded like an easy person to deal with. Ever. “If she’s never been okay with it…” he trailed, kind of hating to break pup’s spirit, “why is she going to be okay with it today?”

Jiang and the bottle of lube, now his, dropped down onto the bed beside Joseph, throwing himself backwards so he stared up at the ceiling, his legs over the side of the bed. “He’ll either lie or not tell her. Duh, man.” He held up the bottle to the ceiling, “You talk with Swan yet?”

Way to kill Joseph’s fluctuating emotions. Killing the urge to pick at the drying minor burns on his fingers by sitting on his good hand, Joseph muttered “No.”

“You gonna?”

He knew he had too. He knew that he definitely should. But he also knew who Finlay Swan was and when Finlay Swan was pissed, he was royally pissed. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Joseph had made Finlay Swan very pissed.

The only way Finlay would ever forgive Joseph was if Joseph went to him and begged. Or at least kissed some serious ass. But that required something Joseph just couldn’t do. Not the begging and not the kissing ass; he could totally do those. Hell, he’d done them before for Emilio. He sure as hell could do it for Finlay. The problem was something far bigger.

It was going to Aglionby.

No way, no way in fucking hell, could Joseph face that damn school. Just parking in the damn parking lot would be bad enough. This was it; he was going back to homeschooling. Fuck a high school life because he sure as fuck didn’t want it anymore.

“I don’t think he’s going to take my calls right now,” Joseph eventually sighed, giving in and scratching at the smallest of his burns. “And a text would just be insulting.”

“Hell yeah it would.”

Setting his chin in his good hand, Joseph sighed again. Much much heavier this time. “There’s no way in hell I can go within thirty feet of Aglionby, man. No fucking way. I can’t do it.”

Hair lacking gel and flopping with the considering tilt of his head, Skov asked “Are you scared?”

It didn’t sound at all insulting but if it’d come from Jiang’s mouth, Joseph would’ve beat the crap out of him. “I…fuck…” What was the point of lying about it? “Yeah. I’m fucking terrified. I can’t show my face there after the shit show that went down. No way.”

“Definitely one hell of a shit show, goddamn,” Jiang mumbled, still holding the lube up high. “Couldn’t you kill yourself on your own time?”

“Jiang!”

“Well, he could’ve!” Jiang exclaimed, bouncing up and glaring at Skov. “Like, dude, legit, we were all in danger! You know how fucking lucky Prokopenko was that he didn’t die? That was like a fucking head-on collision with the fucking pole!”

Fuck. Prokopenko had completely passed his mind. Which was stupid because it wasn’t like they hadn’t mentioned him. It was just that in Joseph’s fucked up mind, Proko was still Proko.

Very alive.

Which was even stupider because obviously the real Prokopenko had been gone for more than a year now.

Joseph could totally play dumb about this all though. Jiang would probably want to beat the fuck out of him, but Joseph would let it pass. “What happened to Proko?”

The glare shot his way was hotter than any volcano ever could be. “Yo, man, do play stupid or are you that much of a fuck ass piece of shit?”

Both. Definitely both.

“While you were on your death train with that fucking freak ass firework of yours, Proko got in a fucking crash, you trash.”

In Joseph’s defense, he’d been unconscious right after the party so…

Stabbing a finger into Joseph’s upper arm, Jiang snapped “But you were busy on your suicide boat-”

His mother had called it a train, but boat was cool too. Joseph had always wanted to go on a boat and do whale watching. Or fishing. Fishing sounded so cool.

“-not giving a shit about anyone else. Have you asked how Prokopenko’s doing? Have you even wondered where the fuck he is?”

It was a yes and no that Joseph was not admitting to because he was pretty sure Jiang was reaching his violent level and Joseph was in no condition to handle it. “Actually-”

“Don’t lie to me!” Jiang spat, his eyes reaching critical mass of completely pissed. Getting to his feet, he shoved his finger hard into Joseph’s chest, way too fucking close to a graft. It was like a knife slicing through the many burns in the area but Joseph refused to make a noise and instead settled for gritting his teeth. His eye twitched like fuck as he tried not to wince but other than that, he thought he did pretty good.

But Skov was always a bit too perceptive.

“Stop, guys,” Skov snapped, shoving Jiang to the side. They all froze and stared at Skov’s still outstretched arms. If there was one of many things Skov did not do, it was get physical in anger. And he especially didn’t touch Jiang with that anger. No one except a dumbass touched Jiang when he was in this mode.

Which was to say that Joseph and Swan were dumbasses, of course.

“I’ll break your fucking hands,” Jiang hissed at Skov, unable to loom because he was shorter but that didn’t stop his menace in any way. “I’ll snap every fucking finger if you ever put your little ass hands on me again. Got it?”

Skov was slowly shrinking and Joseph was too interested to see how this was going to go to intervene. He swallowed down what seemed to be the hugest lump a throat could ever hold, his Adam’s apple bobbing harshly, but he didn’t back down. “Why don’t you ask K how many of his burns you just popped?”

Joseph’s eyes slid to Jiang whose jaw was ticking as he glared at Skov. “How ‘bout you go ask your buddy Sasha how he’s liking hobbling around with a broken foot and headaches that are driving him nuts? Or the flu he’s had to put up with in the fucking summer?”

He so could not be blamed for the flu. Who the hell caught-

Ah.

Ivo hadn’t been complaining because the man didn’t complain but Joseph had noticed that he wasn’t himself. He’d pressed his fingers to his temples more often than not, probably from constant headaches. He looked like shit, probably because he was borderline ‘flu.’

His father was lucky he was the better of the two forgeries.

“How about,” Skov said, his voice stiff and actually annoyed as his eyes blazed, “you stop trying to blame the world on everyone because you feel guilty? How about you stop threatening and walking over people like they’re nothing? It’s a pretty bad quality. Isha would be disappointed, Xia.”

Aw, shit.

If this was all for Joseph and a couple popped burns, then Joseph needed to step in now before Jiang-

Swung.

Fuck.

Being that no one had ever punched Skov before, he dropped hard and fast, flat on his ass. One hand held him up while the other held his quickly bruising cheek. It was worse that it was right under his eye, the skin thin there. Tears welled, creating what could be even bigger than oceans, as he stared up at Jiang in shock. He was trying hard to hold back his sniffles, biting his trembling lip hard but it wouldn’t last.

Joseph was way late but the best thing he could do right now was throw Jiang the fuck out and get ice on Skov’s face before it swelled. That was the decent thing. So because Joseph was thee most decent of all decent people, he slammed his foot into the side of Jiang’s knee, toppling his friend over the coffee table, a minor ‘fuck’ escaping his surprised breath.

Skov giggled through his tears, Joseph calling it a win for his day.

“Why don’t you fuck off until you cool down, you yellow shit,” Joseph snorted at Jiang who was blinking up in a blank stupor, as Joseph got to his feet and helped Skov up. “Let’s get some ice for your face, pups. This guy has issues, Jesus Lord.”

He earned another giggle and Joseph was pretty sure he just won the friend game today.

Chapter Text

A good ten minutes later and Skov was still pretty much crying.

He was trying his best to laugh but he’d just end up crying all over again as he sat at the island with Joseph standing over him and holding a paper towel wrapped bag of peas to his face for him. Technically, Skov could hold the peas himself but Joseph felt like it was his job being it happened in his house and all. Jiang was still upstairs, so Joseph had a feeling he was trying to control his temper so he could come apologize to Skov.

None of them particularly liked it when he ended up hurt. He was their baby of the group and if they didn’t keep him safe, then no one would. It was their duty, if not yet a sworn one. But if the Silmarillion had taught Joseph anything, it was that you didn’t take oaths of sworn duties.

“Do I get a badge,” Skov asked softly, his finger playing with Joseph’s shirt. It was weird but Joseph let it go. The kid was probably still in shock. It was always weird when Joseph remembered that he was the oldest and Skov was the youngest and they had a good couple years between each other. “For taking my first punch?”

“Is there a badge for that?”

“You can make me one.”

Joseph just blinked at Skov who was studying Joseph’s shirt like it was the coolest thing. He still had yet to check on his burns but that was honestly the least of his concerns right now. “Should I put ‘congrats on popping your cherry’?

Skov snorted on his snot, a giggle erupting from his throat. “No! God.” He laughed, looking up at Joseph, his eyes finally having that twinkle again. “You’re terrible.”

“Thee absolute worst,” he agreed with a nod. “But here I am holding peas to your face, pups.”

Wiping a runaway tear with the back of his hand, Skov glanced around, Joseph having to work with those movements to keep the cold on his face. It was going to be hard enough for Skov to explain any bruising to his mother; they had to at least keep the swelling down. “Sorry for using your peas, Mrs. Kavinsky.”

Joseph’s mother rolled her eyes where she sat on the couch beside his tétka. Everyone had heard the arguing and they’d all expressed their concerns after seeing Skov’s face but Joseph had told them all to leave it. It was just how Jiang was. “Don’t be ridiculous. How’s your cheek feel?”

“Cold,” Skov laughed, wiping away the last of his tears, his eyes flicking up to the second floor where Jiang stood at the railing, hanging his arms over.

“Aw, look,” Joseph snorted, rolling his eyes as hard as a Kavinsky could. “Unless you got words of apology in there, don’t bother.”

“Unless someone is speaking to you,” Jiang snapped back, the fire definitely not yet dead, “then keep your damn mouth shut. No one wants to hear your shit ass voice.”

“Sounds better than yours.”

“Immaturity at its best,” Skov sighed, rolling his eyes and moving off Joseph’s hand and the peas from his face. “You guys literally sound the same except K’s voice is deeper.”

The what? Glaring at Skov, Joseph said incredulously “You think I,” he tapped his chest – in a safe spot – for emphasis before turning that finger up to Jiang, “sound like that Philly shit? Are you kidding me?”

“Hoboken is so not Philly, kid,” his father cut in, staring at Skov like he was nuts. His father didn’t even have the north Jersey sound but he sure as hell had the spirit. His city was his city, pure Bulgarian or not. “Learn your accents. Hoboken isn’t even that south Jersey crap. Which sounds kinda like that dumbass’ Philly crap.”

“Hey,” Jiang muttered, sliding down to the floor and pressing his face against the railing, “you get your cream cheese from my city, old man. Bet you don’t even know the difference between all your Asians, you white man.”

His father was entirely unimpressed, his foot resting on the opposite knee as he stared up at Jiang. “Eastern European. And being that I’ve worked with quite a few different groups including but not limited to the triads, yakuza, and small time jopok here and there. I know my Asians, thank you.”

“Same shit. You’re all Euros.”

“Not really,” his father replied, nodding his head with his wry mouth dipping into a disbelieving frown at Jiang’s idiocy. “People don’t treat Easterners the way they treat westerners. It’s like we don’t even come from the same damn continent.”

More than just confused – it took Joseph a minute to understand why – Jiang and his scrunched nose asked “Why the fuck did you just nod your head?”

Joseph’s mother burst into a laugh as she got up to come check Skov’s ugly bruised cheek. She carefully grasped his chin, tilting his head up and to the side. A smile made her face bright and Joseph had never felt more guilty than now for taking her life away from her. He knew that she’d missed his father but it wasn’t until this delighted laughter slipped its way out did he realize how much.

You knew love was real when you missed the little things like your foreign husband not remembering he was in America. If there was one thing his father always had difficulty with when it came to American culture besides some choice words and pronunciation, it was the head motions.

‘No’ was a shake. ‘Yes’ was a nod.

It was the complete opposite in Bulgaria. Spending all his time in a Bulgarian mob didn’t exactly help him remember either. Joseph had grown up with these simple mistakes so seeing it was normal. Emilio had delighted in it so much when he’d noticed that he spent a month ‘being Bulgarian’ when they were little.

Rather than delighted, of course, Jiang was like ‘what the fuck did I just see.’

“You’re face looks terrible,” Joseph’s mother murmured, running a careful finger across the bruise, Skov flinching in a second. “Poor thing.”

“People, he just nodded no. Like is no one else bothered?”

“You’re talking to a house of Bulgarians,” his father snorted, probably annoyed that he had to make the mistake in front of Jiang of all people. “Why would they be bothered? You fuck.”

“Aw, did I hit a nerve?”

“I thought you’re here to apologize to me,” Skov cut in, glaring around Joseph’s mother. Pointing at the massive bruise that actually gave him a bit of the tough guy look he’d always wanted, Skov snapped “How exactly, Xia, am I supposed to explain this to my mother?”

Jiang didn’t do guilt and still wasn’t really doing it even if this was one of the rare moments where it was really really required. His rude humor was only going to hurt Skov’s feelings. “Wear makeup?”

Face even redder than when he’d found out that Joseph had certain thoughts that shouldn’t be said aloud, Skov opened his mouth to snap something only to close it a moment later. Crossing his arms, he turned away from Jiang, his anger coming off in hot waves. If he planned on the silent treatment, he was going to fail. Especially on Jiang who didn’t give a damn.

“Yo, if you’re gonna try and pull your silent treatment crap, it ain’t gonna work, you little shit. You fail every damn time.”

Skov was on the verge of pouting but he kept it in with a careful purse of his lips.

“Alright, fine,” Jiang hissed, completely pissed even though if it’d been anyone else, especially Joseph, he would’ve just laughed it off like he was a dumbass. Making his way downstairs with an angry bounce, he snorted as he tugged on his shoes “See if I give a damn, prodigy. You can pull your little bitchy fit. Don’t come crying to me later.”

It wasn’t until they watched his walk out the door that Skov muttered “If I try talking to him, you gotta punch me.”

“Oh?”

“But not hard!” Skov said quickly, waving his hands in front of him like he wanted to erase what he said. You hit hard! Softly, it’s gotta just be softly.”

Scratching at his buzzed head that he did not love at all, Joseph asked “When have I ever hit you?” Sure, they’d argued and there was of course the whole knife fiasco but Joseph would never hit Skov. No way. “I’ve never hit you. Especially hard.”

“The sad part is,” Skov said with his eyebrows way way up there, “I can’t tell if you’re being serious or not. The sadder part is, I think you are which makes it the ultimate sadness that you must’ve been so high that you don’t even remember.”

“There’s…a very high chance that’s possible,” he had to admit, embarrassed now because he couldn’t believe he’d whacked Skov one.

“Oh, it’s possible,” Skov snorted, taking the peas from Joseph and putting them back on his face. “Because it happened. You slammed me in the stomach.”

Oops. “Ouch?”

Skov blew a raspberry, his eyes rolling back even farther. “It’s okay, Jiang hit you back.”

This was all news to him and now he really wished he remembered because it’d give him more reason to beat the crap out of Jiang. “How recent was this?”

“This is just depressing,” Anka snorted as she walked into the kitchen, leaning over the island across from Joseph and Skov. “How high can a person get that they don’t remember?”

He opened his mouth to snap some nasty shit at her but Skov put his hand on Joseph’s mouth and said to Anka without turning to look at her “Excuse me, but this isn’t your conversation.”

“Do people tell you how annoying you are?”

Joseph tried to speak again to tell her off but Skov’s hand pushed down. If Joseph was feeling it, he’d lick the pup’s hand just to freak him out. “No because I hang out with people who are worse.”

“You shit,” Joseph laughed, moving Skov’s hand away and taking back the peas, giving Skov’s cheek a good look. “That’s gonna last you at least a week or two.”

Seemingly distressed, Skov yanked out his phone, his face turning ashen at seeing the damage for himself. “Oh my god. She’s never going to let me out of the house again.”

Walking around the island and to the fridge, Joseph tossed the peas back into the freezer and the napkin in the trash. As bad as it was, Jiang’s idea of makeup was honestly probably the best. There was no way they could hide Skov from his mother for more than a couple weeks. “You can join me in homeschooling then.”

Turning on his stool, Skov rested his elbows on the island and his face in his hands though his bruise was carefully avoided. He didn’t look pleased. “You’re not gonna do homeschooling.”

“Am too.”

“I won’t allow it.”

Oh, he was so scared. Opening a cabinet and taking out a cup, Joseph snorted “As if I give a damn what you allow, dumbass. As if you can stop me.”

“I can,” his mother said, turning up beside him with a smile. “You’re not homeschooling.”

Joseph and his empty cup paused at the fridge. “Why not? I’m not going to Aglionby. Not a chance. Legit, I’ll drop out of school if you try and make me.” It annoyed him how she just rolled her eyes like he was a joke in front of her. “I’m serious.”

“You can go to Aglionby or Mountain View, I don’t care which,” she replied, her arms crossed and her voice firm. “But you are going to a school. A physical school.”

“Why?” he asked, irritated beyond belief. Who cared what kind of school he went to? At least he was going to one.

“For socialization.”

Socialization. Social-fucking-ization. Or however that word would be cut up. “Are you fucking kidding me? That’s the best you could come up with? Socializing,” he spat with disdain, his nose scrunching in a pained throb. “What the fuck do I want with socializing? Where has that gotten me?”

“Friends,” Skov said, raising his hand like he was answering a question in class. “Friends are a great product of socialization.”

“Shut up, no one’s talking to your stupid ass.”

“See? If we weren’t friends, I totally wouldn’t take that attitude. We are a product of socialization. Like animals. You love animals.”

Joseph shut his eyes in tired annoyance, his arms crossed as he leaned against the counter, knowing that when it came to a Skov lecture, patience was key.

“And people are essentially animals,” Skov continued, totally lost in his own world by the sound of his drifting voice. “I mean, if you really want to think about it super hard, we’re just slightly more cognitive than like primates and stuff. Dolphins are super smart too and elephants. We think that technically we’re superior but if you really think about it, there’s like a super tiny line that separates us. And a lot of times, there’s no line for people who have like no moral compass or whatever, you know?”

Two fingers pressed to his temple with the rest of his hand against his face, Joseph opened his eyes and blinked at the tiny fool before him. “Are you done?”

Skov’s cheeks flushed, likely from annoyance, before snorting “Were you even listening?”

“Sure. Primates, dolphins, psychopaths. Got it.”

“I’m just saying that being out and about with people is good for the soul.” Joseph opened his mouth to remind him that Jiang won his in a bet, but Skov stopped him. “Or the empty hole where it was bet from.”

“You bet your soul?” Andrey asked with a laugh. “Who’d you lose it to?”

Scrunching up his nose despite the bite of pain, Joseph muttered “Jiang. But he cheated, that cheater.”

“Can you cheat in rock, paper, scissors though?” Skov laughed before he winced and held his cheek. “I mean, if you change your answer fast enough maybe but like, it’s a pretty fair game.”

Pulling open the fridge and grabbing the orange juice, Joseph just snorted and poured himself some juice. Jiang had cheated, he knew it, he just couldn’t prove it. Not that he was that caught up in losing his soul; there wasn’t much Jiang could do with it anyways. Plus, it wasn’t even worth much so he couldn’t sell it either. He’d just hold onto it until their next bet or something and hold it against Joseph. Which was fine, honestly. Joseph was a winner when there wasn’t cheating involved.

“And if you really really-”

“Skov, just shut up.”

His little pert nose scrunched up in distaste before he broke into a laugh, his gel-free hair bouncing on his forehead. It was longer than he usually liked it but Joseph figured that maybe Skov thought it wasn’t the time for haircuts or something. “Hey, hey, what movies are we watching? I want an action movie.”

“Movies?”

Pursing his lips he crossed his arms and muttered “Sleepover, remember? Like ten minutes ago it was mentioned. Literally. You don’t even have the excuse of being high now to say you weren’t paying attention. Sleepovers have like movies and snacks and fun stuff.”

Actually, when he usually said that, he had been using it as an excuse. Joseph usually paid attention to what people said. “A sleepover sounds fun!” his mother cut in before he even had the chance to ruin the pup’s hopes by changing his mind. She came over and elbowed him, a smile on her face. “Sounds fun.”

Rolling his eyes and crossing his arms with careful movements though the hour he’d been home had already caused more damage than weeks in the hospital, Joseph snorted “I changed my mind.”

“You can’t do that!” Skov exclaimed, bouncing off the stool in a little ball of fury. “You already said yes!”

“No one told you to look like you were about to cry! All I needed was for you to start bawling like an idiot over something so stupid!”

“Mrs. Kavinsky, he already said yes.”

“Don’t try and use my mother against me, you little shit.”

Giving Joseph this dangerous looking side eye, his mother said “You already said yes.”

He didn’t know how, but Joseph was positive that this was Jiang’s fault.

Chapter Text

“I’ll do that,” Skov said quickly, taking the blankets from Joseph’s hands and laying them out on the floor himself. He hadn’t stopped smiling since Joseph had officially agreed to let him stay. Literally, from him leaving to the dorm, grabbing some shit and coming back, Skov still had the smile on his stupid face. “So you don’t stress your arm or anything.”

“Thanks,” Joseph sighed, dropping down onto his bed. He was tired as fuck but all he could think about was how he was going to come up with a story for Skov on why he wanted the bathroom light to stay on. His baby fear of the dark was literally a phobia at this point.

The setup was nothing like the lean-to that Joseph had put all his effort into making when Swan had stayed over but it was a decent spread of blankets and pillows. Skov seemed pleased as he plopped down into the pillow pile, laughing as he did. “It’s totally fine if you’re too tired for movies or anything. Don’t worry. We can just sleep. Or talk. Or just sit quietly doing our own thing or something.”

Joseph wasn’t too sure what his own thing was right now. He’d cleaned up his room after Skov had disappeared, eaten lunch, ignored his family, eaten dinner – with Skov joining them – and now he was ignoring his family once more.

There were just too much damn people. He was used to the quiet and the comfort in sitting alone or with his mother or with Walnut but now, every corner he turned, there was a person.

He didn’t like it.

Laying down ever so carefully because, Lord, he’d exerted his body way too much today, Joseph just sighed again and stared up at his ceiling. “Did you see Swan by any chance?”

Silence followed his question for a good few minutes before Skov finally murmured almost carefully “I in fact did.”

Joseph wasn’t sure how he was supposed to ask if Finlay had asked about him without sounding pathetic or needy. “And?”

“And?”

“C’mon, man, don’t play with me like that.” Scooting to the edge of the bed and carefully flipping onto his stomach which turned out to be a bad bad bad idea, Joseph sat up instead, despite his exhaustion. He didn’t know how he was supposed to just sleep on his back all night. “He…didn’t maybe…”

“Mention you?”

“Yeah?”

Skov blinked at him with those pretty blues of his before looking up to the ceiling, intertwining his fingers on his pooching belly. He had been on a gummy worm rampage for a couple weeks and it showed. “You really hurt his feelings.”

That was a damn given. “I can’t apologize if he doesn’t come to me!”

Eyes flicking back on him, Skov murmured “Can’t?”

Huffing and dropping back onto his bed, Joseph scrunched his nose in disdain despite the pain. “Skov, man, it is not as simple as all of you idiots keeping trying to say it is. I can’t go back to Aglionby. I can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t.”

What the fuck did these idiots not understand? “Can’t. Caaan’t. Do you understand what that word means, prodigy?”

Skov hated when they called him that because he knew it was mockingly. He sat up, his hair flopping with the motion, and set his chin on the edge of Joseph’s bed. “Listen here, you. I don’t know how deep these feelings of your guys’ run for each other but I do know that before a relationship came a friendship. Came a whole lot of blood brothering between all of us and some damn good tom foolery. You hit him where it hurt the most. On purpose. If you’re not going to respect your relationship, then you respect your friendship.”

Joseph respected their relationship. Joseph wanted their relationship. But no one seemed to understand that with going to Aglionby came ridicule and lies and fakery. He didn’t want that. He wasn’t even sure he could handle that. Joseph wanted to apologize. He knew that he was in the wrong but his apology required him to go to the very last damn place that he wanted to be twenty feet around.

“Are you listening?”

“I am,” Joseph said softly, feeling the weight of shame drowning him. “I really am. I like Finlay. A lot. I respect our relationship and I respect our blood brothering. But none of you seem to respect the genuine fear I have of going to that place. I don’t want to be there. I don’t want people’s lying faces and eyes searing every inch of my skin looking for burns. I don’t want to feel like a freakshow and I don’t want to know just how badly everyone kind of sort of wished I went.” He sighed his deepest sigh of the day, letting his eyes flutter shut. “I don’t want everyone to see how vulnerable I really am.”

He felt the mattress beside him dip but Joseph couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes after revealing such weaknesses. “You know,” came Skov’s voice, almost a careful whisper but not close enough for Joseph to feel the breath of it, “I think that you’re a lot stronger than you realize. And I think that you still think that you’re all alone in this very long climb of yours. But you’re not. I wouldn’t have let you go to Aglionby alone, you know. And I won’t let anyone ridicule you for being you.”

“You don’t know who ‘you’ is.”

“Maybe not quite, but I think I’ve gotten to see some really great parts. Parts that are way better than anything ‘Kavinsky’ could ever be.”

“I’m scared of the dark,” Joseph confessed, covering his face in the elbow of his good arm. They had to get to this one at some point before bed. “It freaks me the fuck out.”

“I’m claustrophobic.”

“Me too.”

“And the reason I don’t wear shoes with laces is because sometimes I still have trouble tying them.”

Man, that was a deep one coming from the half-prodigy. Joseph would die with that one. “Band-aids gross me the fuck out.”

“I still play with Legos.”

That one, Joseph had to pause for. Raising up his head and staring at Skov who had his chin in his upraised palms, elbows resting on the bed, Joseph asked “I hadn’t realized I wasn’t supposed to still enjoy Legos? Who the fuck doesn’t like Legos?”

Skov’s eyes lit up with literal joy, “You play with them too?”

Joseph built. He was an architect. Why did no one understand the art behind his car designs and his Lego building? “I design. Engineer, dammit. Why is that hard for people to understand? I’m not playing with toys; I’m creating buildings and architectural designs.”

Smile going to megawatt mode, Skov asked “Well, can we design right now?”

“Are you mocking me, little bitch?”

Laughing as his upper body slid off the bed, Skov bounced to his feet. And bounced. Excessively. “Come on, I want to build. Let’s build, let’s build, let’s build!”

Joseph had created a monster. Or maybe he’d just awakened it from its slumber. “I’m one armed! That’s no fair.”

“Aw, come onnnn. Up, up, up, Joseph, Mr. Designer.”

“Oh fuck you,” Joseph couldn’t help but laugh, dragging himself to an upright position before sliding off the bed. “Bitch, I can build better than you with one fucking finger.”

“Well, I guess you’re just going to have to prove it, huh?”

It was against all of Joseph’s morals to get played like this but it was a challenge if nothing else. Joseph could totally build something way better than this little scruffy puppy. “Alright, fine.” Skov beamed like a freaking solar flare, his hands clasped together in cheesy joy. “But you gotta drag out the box. I’m one-fucking-armed.”

Despite how hard he tried, it was really hard getting to the basement/theater without being noticed. It was where Joseph kept his 18-gallon bin of small Legos because he could build without worrying about anything being in the way.

Yes, 18-gallons. The more, the better.

Duh.

“What are you two off to do?”

Joseph considered just completely ignoring his mother but he knew Skov wouldn’t be able to manage it. “Do shit. What else are we going to do?”

She raised her brow, knowing exactly who to ask as she turned her gaze on the innocent puppy beside him. “What are you two up to, sweetheart?”

“Has anyone told you that you talk like an old lady,” Joseph cut in with a mumble and an eyeroll.

His words were, of course, completely ignored as Skov answered in pure unmarred joy “Oh, were going to play with Legos!” He interrupted his next sentence with a laugh before he corrected “Sorry, I mean, build or design because, you know, he’s to cool to play.”

“I swear to God, Blake Skovron, one day I will beat the shit out of you.”

“But today isn’t that day!”

“But it is not this day,” his father corrected. No one would even guess he was paying attention as he chilled in the leather recliner, scrolling through God knew what on his phone. “If you’re going to quote, do it right.”

Skov blinked at Joseph’s father before leaning closer to Joseph and whispering “Has he watched The Lord of the Rings?”

“He lives and breathes it like the nerd he is.”

“Takes one to know one,” his father murmured, before getting up and putting his phone to his ear, making his way towards the backyard. “Nerd.”

Joseph didn’t bother giving that a response as he opened the door to the theater and went down the steps, not caring if Skov was following. Opening the closet his box sat in, he leaned down to tug with his good hand but was stopped before he had the chance. “What are you doing?” Skov snapped, literally shoving Joseph to the side and yanking the box himself. “What part of ‘you are injured’ do you not understand? I’m supposed to take out the box.”

“What’s with you being all pushy today,” Joseph grumbled, rubbing his arm where Skov had shoved. “Good Lord.”

Once Skov dragged the huge bin over to the front where there was the most space, they sat down and silently worked, the only sound being the shuffling of little plastic pieces. It was harder than Joseph thought it would be building with one hand but he managed. He just had to move slower and press a little harder. Joseph hadn’t been sure what he’d wanted to build but after the mention of the Lord of the Rings, he decided Barad-Dur was a good choice.

Complex and beautiful.

He wasn’t sure what Skov was up to, but the foundation looked nice. They didn’t bother speaking, just focused on their work, the calm of building settling over them.

Shuffling through the bin, Joseph took out the horses he’d need later before glancing over at Skov and his building. He still wasn’t sure what it was but it wouldn’t be fair if Joseph took all six horses without at least asking. “Do you need a horse?” he asked as he continued shuffling through, trying to find more black pieces. “Skov?”

“Hmm.”

“You need a horse?”

“I’ll take one.”

Joseph glanced over at a building that was now suspiciously looking hobbitish. “Hobbit hole?”

Glancing up, focus now broken, Skov smiled and nodded. “Guess I’m doing a good job! I wasn’t sure what I wanted to make but then I was like ‘hobbits!’ so here I am. What do you think so far?”

Handing over one of the white horses and keeping the rest in his pile, Joseph went back to his work as he nodded and said “I like it. Looking legit.”

“So…” Skov said, his voice slowing and quieting to a careful murmur, “you wanna know what me and Swan talked about?”

Biting his lip as his hand froze over his pile of black Legos that he’d picked out of the bin, Joseph thought this over before just giving in. He was complaining of fakers and yet he was totally being one. They both knew how badly he wanted to hear this. “Am I allowed to?”

“Oh, yeah, it’s no biggie.”

Trying not to sound as eager as he actually was, he gave a simple answer that couldn’t possibly convey any type of emotion. “Yes.”

“He asked how you’re doing,” Skov said, continuing his building as he spoke. He picked up a green piece but tossed it to the side when it was too big for what he needed. “Then he called you an asshole.”

Joseph waited for more but it didn’t seem like Skov was going to say anything. “That’s it?”

“I told you it was no biggie.”

He dug his teeth into his lip, refusing to show Skov how upset he was by this. That was the best Finlay could offer? How is he and he’s an asshole?

That was it?

“I should just dump him myself and get it over with,” Joseph muttered, the skin of his lip breaking as he dug deeper. If that was all he was worth then why the fuck should he bother stressing out over this stupid ass relationship that obviously wasn’t worth shit? “Fuck him.”

“So I guess you don’t respect your relationship anymore?”

The only relief his lip got was him switching to grinding his teeth to stop himself from blowing up on this idiotic little shit. Shutting his eyes, Joseph rested his head in his palm and said nothing. If he wasn’t worth concern then why the fuck was he bothering in this relationship? What was it even worth?

Why did it always feel like he was the one who lost out on everything?

It surprised him when he realized that his palm was wet, capturing tears that he hadn’t even known he’d been shedding. Shedding in front of Skov no less. And as if that wasn’t embarrassing enough, another apparent figure was watching them from the doorway, hesitant yet concerned.

“Am…I intruding?” Andrey asked, as if his voice was tip toeing dangerous waters. “Are you okay?”

There were too much damn people. Too much and he hated it more than anything else. More than the amount of hate he felt for his shitty boyfriend right now. “Get. Out.”

“Joseph-”

“I said get out!” He jumped to his feet, not caring anymore about how pathetic and shitty he looked. Joseph was done with people. If he made it past eighteen, he was going to become a hermit in the fucking mountains and live with only animals. He’d become the crazy cat man and he’d damn well enjoy it. “Get out, get out, get OUT!”

He was on the verge of having a temper tantrum like a freaking baby but at this point, he didn’t give a goddamn fuck. His boyfriend sure didn’t give a fuck about him, did he? Why even bother calling him his boyfriend? Swan was a piece of shit who didn’t even deserve that title. He was a useless, worthless-

“FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!”

There was an undying urge to break something but there wasn’t a thing around that was breakable and he refused to ruin his building. Joseph sat there on his knees, his burned foot screaming for mercy as shouted, shouted, shouted, shouted as much as he could.

Just the fact that he was so inept to the point that all he could do was scream curse words pissed him off even more. He was shouting and crying and he was a blubbering mess that didn’t know or understand what the fuck was wrong outside of the fact that Swan had left him like trash and every person in this house didn’t give a damn about him. They were all fakers. Every single one.

“Liars,” her cried into his mother’s shoulder, not even sure when she got here, when the room had emptied, or how he’d ended up enveloped in her arms feeling like the whole world was against him. “They’re all fucking liars, mayko. Liars, liars.”

It barely registered until now, her soothing hand rubbing his back, her kisses being pressed to the good side of his burned head, as she whispered in his ear “I know, baby, I know.”

Chapter Text

Blake felt so guilty. He’d sent the man into a freaking mental episode. Or breakdown. Or something, but he’d done it alright.

“Oh my god, I’m such an asshole,” he whispered into his hands as he sat in a chair in the living room, hunched over in shame. Shame. “Such an asshole.”

He’d literally made Joseph Kavinsky cry.

Cry.

“Asshole.”

“He seems to have temper tantrum problems that he never had as a child,” Joseph’s aunt murmured. Blake peeked through his fingers at her, watching her on the couch across from him. Correcting Joseph’s cousins was no big deal because they were all probably around the same age but it was beyond him to be rude to an adult. No matter how seemingly dumb this one seemed.

When Joseph had started screaming, like really screaming, Blake had freaked out. He had seen Kavinsky in a million different situations, millions, but this…torrid of anger was something else entirely. It was something Blake had never experienced and he hoped that he never would again.

It scared the crap out of him. And not in the same way that sometimes Kavinsky did. No, this was something else entirely.

Andrey had disappeared pretty quick and Blake had considered trying to calm Joseph down himself but…

Yeah.

Scared out of his marbles to even get near the man screaming bloody murder of hate.

Mrs. Kavinsky had come down in the second Andrey had disappeared and without a word, pointed Blake out the door. Blake had no clue what had happened after that. He just knew he was the biggest asshole on the planet. Because no matter how someone looked at it, it was what Blake had said that set Joseph off. To him, it didn’t seem like any random bout of anger or a tantrum. It was like…a trigger.

A triggered episode? But an episode of what? Joseph had anxiety, yeah, but that hadn’t been an anxiety attack. It was something else entirely.

“That’s not a temper tantrum,” Mr. Kavinsky said, breaking what silence had befallen all of them. Blake turned his peeking eyes to the man sitting uncomfortably in the recliner, phone tapping against his chin. “That’s like…an attack of something.” His eyes dropped from the ceiling, finding Blake’s hiding between his fingers in a second. “Puppy boy, what’d you say to him?”

Just because Blake blamed himself did not mean he wanted the mobster to. Taking a deep breath before sitting properly so he didn’t look so pathetic hiding behind his own hands, Blake murmured almost pitifully for the fear of being blamed “It’s not my fault. I swear.”

“I didn’t say it was. It’s nobody’s fault. But something triggered him into an attack.”

“Episode,” Blake corrected though he was still unsure what type of episode Joseph was even having.

“Episode,” Joseph’s father agreed with a nod. He dropped his phone of the small table beside him without a care or worry for its damage and nodded as he thought. “It’s definitely an episode of some sort.”

“Maybe he’s like bipolar,” Anka offered with a shrug and a disinterested face. Blake honestly didn’t like her so far but…opinions could change. Maybe she had some niceness to her that was just buried deep. Very deep.

Very very deep.

Mr. Kavinsky’s mouth turned to the side, his face scrunching in thought. “I don’t think so. I’ve read about bipolar disorder and I don’t think it quite matches right.” Resting his chin in his palm that sat on the arm of the recliner, he tapped his fingers on his thigh. His mouth opened before it closed again, a frown turning his mouth more.

Anka waited but when Mr. Kavinsky said nothing she snorted “Can’t he just be a hormonal teenager like every other normal kid?”

“No one said Joseph was normal,” Joseph aunt cut in. “He’s always had his issues.”

“That doesn’t mean he’s not normal,” Blake snapped before clamping his mouth shut. One, he didn’t like to yell and two, he didn’t yell at adults. Ever. It was beyond rude and disrespectful.

But come on, lady.

Joseph’s aunt stared at Blake, her brow raised in challenge as she waited for him to continue his mini outburst. And since she was offering the opportunity…she he just take it up with her?

Sure, why not.

“’Normal’ is a societal standard that everyone thinks the have to shove themselves into. It doesn’t even exist. Just because he has an anxiety disorder, it doesn’t make him ‘not normal.’ You’d be amazed the amount of people who you consider ‘normal’ actually suffer from some type of disorder. Maybe you shouldn’t be so quick to make such stupid judgements when you don’t even know anything.”

“And you do?”

Blake doubted he knew even an inch of what Swan did about Joseph but he knew enough to know that he’d been through a lot. Suffered through enough. And that was plenty. It was plenty for Blake to know that no one could come around blaming him or judging him for being ‘not normal.’

Joseph was Joseph and he needed a little more help than most people did but that didn’t mean he wasn’t normal. He was himself and that was more than enough.

Pulling up his legs and sitting criss cross applesauce, Blake crossed his arms and snorted “I know enough to know that though my friend is having a rough time; it doesn’t mean he’s a freak. And if he or Jiang were standing here at this moment, they’d both make a really stupid dirty joke about that.”

“Amen.”

Blake’s head whipped around to Joseph, leaning against the wall beside the door that lead to the theater. He looked pale, exhausted, and just downright dried out. His nose was raw, visible from all the way over here, and his eyes were puffy and drooping, too tired to stay open more than required. “You can plug in your dirty joke if you want.”

Usually something as simple as that would at least, at the very least, make Joseph’s mouth twitch for a smile. But Blake didn’t even get that twitch, instead receiving a blank stare from those tired eyes that flicked from one person to the next. Mrs. Kavinsky turned up behind him, shutting the door and going on her tip toes while dragging Joseph’s head down to press a kiss to his singed ear.

The blank look was eating Blake alive. He’d take all the nastiest jokes directed at him if it meant he could make that look go away. “No dirty joke for me?”

Joseph’s arm went to scratch at his pressure sleeve before it stopped itself and instead went into the pocket of his athletic pants. The blank stare stayed as he replied “Jiang likes your little sausage.”

“That’s the best you got?”

Shrugging as he walked towards the staircase, Joseph slipped off the house slippers on his feet and began his ascend. “You should go home, Blake. Try me again in a few days or something.”

It was no joke the amount of distress Blake felt about seriously having his first sleepover canceled but he respected Joseph enough not to push it as they all heard his door click shut. Before Joseph had sounded like himself so pushing didn’t matter. But now…he just sounded so worn out. Albeit shouting would exhaust someone but this was an inner exhaustion and Blake wasn’t willing to wear him down more just for a sleepover.

“Is he supposed to be alone?” Joseph aunt murmured, glancing up to the second floor balcony before glancing back down to Mrs. Kavinsky who had taken up Joseph’s leaning spot. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

“Nikol, I think you guys should go.”

This…sounded a little too personal for Blake to keep sitting for. But his stuff was still in Joseph’s room and well, Blake needed them. The toothbrush wasn’t a big deal but he definitely needed his mouth guard.

Now the question was, how was he supposed to get his stuff? He didn’t want Joseph thinking he came to bug him when he very obviously wanted to be left alone. But Blake’s teeth would not survive the night without his guard.

Dilemma.

“Why? If anything, I have made chores way easier, you know.”

Mrs. Kavinsky laughed as she walked over, dropping onto the couch beside Anka, across from Joseph’s aunt. Nikol. That lady. Ms. Nikol? Yeah, that worked fine for Blake. “Actually, yes, you have, thank you. But I need him to be comfortable and right now with fifty pairs of eyes watching his every move, that is not comfortable. Go rent a room if you want to stay that bad but I need you out of here. Sooner rather than later. Please.”

“I think less eyes on him is a horrible idea,” Anka snorted like she just knew it all. And honestly, Blake was getting really tired of that. “A suicidal person needs like ten thousand eyes on them.”

How could a person be this annoying? It wasn’t like Blake didn’t hang out with some very annoying assholes but for the love of all things, she was really really getting to him. But he was a young man of manners and hell, if he was going to let her drag the nasty side out of him. In front of adults.

Getting to his feet and trying to ignore the fact that everyone’s eyes were watching him, Blake made a very unsure path to the stairs, pausing at the bottom before taking a deep breath. He didn’t want to bother Joseph but whether he liked it or not, he needed that mouth guard. Blake was so not risking his teeth’s health and jaw pain because he was afraid.

“You’re going to have to start climbing eventually,” Mr. Kavinsky called out. Blake didn’t want to look at him so he couldn’t catch the nerves running over his entire body and took the biggest breath before beginning his ascend. Hopefully Joseph wouldn’t think that Blake was being pushy or only coming to plead his case for the sleep over.

“Joseph?” Blake whispered once he reached the boy’s closed door, tapping softly with the pads of his fingers. “I’m not here to bother you, I just kinda need my stuff.” He gnawed on his lip and decided to just go for it. It wasn’t like they hadn’t just admitted secrets to each other. For God’s sake, he told the first person ever that he had trouble tying laces. He could talk about his mouth guard. “I can’t sleep without my-”

“You can open.”

Blake’s breathing took a dip in surprise at the voice that came from the room. Hoping for the best, he opened the door just a crack and slid his way in silently. “I don’t mean to bother you.”

Joseph looked up from where he sat at his low table, a pillow under his butt and a paintbrush in hand. The paper before him was still blank but the paint tray was open and the water was already dirty. “I know. That’s why I let you in.”

“Oh, well, that’s good then,” Blake whispered, feeling like it was wrong for his voice to go any louder. He stood there awkwardly, Joseph’s eyes watching him, and decided that he might as well just grab his crap and go. No point in dragging this out. “I’ll get my stuff and go.”

Head titling to the side, Joseph watched him walk over to his backpack, the gaze burning Blake’s back. “You don’t have to leave.”

“It’s okay if you’re not up to it. Don’t worry.”

No words came after that, so Blake took it as over and done with. He was disappointed like hell but he wouldn’t pressure someone who wasn’t up for it. “You like to paint?” Blake may not be the pushy type but that meant nothing for his curiosity. He’d been learning more about K these past couple weeks than he had in years of hanging out with him. “Painting is fun.”

And therapeutic.

Focusing back on his painting, or lack of, Joseph dipped his brush in a crimson color. “I’ve never done much painting really. But my doctor said I should try to paint colors on how I’m feeling.”

“Art therapy!” Blake exclaimed with glee, dropping his bag off his shoulder and scooting in beside Joseph. He earned himself a hell of a side eye but Blake tried his best to act like he hadn’t noticed. “Art therapy is great! I used to do it when I was little! I was a super stressed child,” he couldn’t help but add with a laugh. The first time he’d seen a therapist, he’d been a stressed out tiny seven year old who couldn’t take the pressure of school and family. His father didn’t necessarily care but Blake’s mother had thought he was too strange of a child.

She was his mother and he loved her but she never seemed to understand that she and his brothers were the ones stressing him the fuck out.

Brush still covered in crimson, Joseph’s eyes scanned Blake’s face before turning back to his paper and murmuring “I’m having trouble starting. She said just put colors but I think I’m overthinking my colors too much.”

“Well, you laughed today,” Blake offered encouragingly, reaching around his friend and grabbing a brush. Dipping it into the water and then a nice soft yellow, he traded it for the red in Joseph’s hand. “So we should make sure we put that down. You laughed and smiled so make a nice a big blotch.”

Joseph blinked at him before shrugging and outlining a big yellow circle in the middle. He quietly filled it in, his hand steady as he placed stroke after stroke. Once that was done, he washed his brush and patted it dry on a towel. It took a good quiet few seconds before he went for orange, diluting it a bit before he made a wavy line around his circle. Cleaning his brush once more, he went for a deep blue and lightly laid it on his orange.

“What’s that one?”

Washing his brush and going for a sadder toned blue, Joseph murmured “I think my frustration. I’m not sure what frustration should be but it kinda makes me think of being sad and angry at the same time. But she told me not to think too hard on the actual feeling, just put the colors.”

Blake nodded silently as he watched Joseph make a small blotchy blue spot in the corner. He was actually surprised that Joseph was into doing his therapy already. After the episode downstairs, Blake hadn’t expected him to be able to function this well.

As Joseph went for a dark dark red, a soft knock rapped on the door, with Mrs. Kavinsky’s voice following. “Baby, can I come in?”

Leaning close to Joseph’s poor abused ear, Blake whispered “Can I call you baby too?”

It didn’t just shock him, it shocked both of them as Joseph burst into a huge laugh, the surprise at the action making his eyes go wide. A smile played on his face as he snorted “Man, you can barely take dirty jokes and now you’re trying to fuck with me?”

“Maybe you can be my baby, you don’t know.”

“Oh, I know, pups,” Joseph laughed, shaking his head as he splattered red on his picture, “I know. If there shall be use of that in this nonexistent relationship, you’d be the baby, pupster.”

“I think your mom is still waiting at the door.”

Joseph glanced over in the direction of the door before sighing and setting down his brush. Leaning back on his good arm, he called “You can come in.”

The door opened quietly, Mrs. Kavinsky’s head popping around the bookcase, a smile on her face. “I may have heard the sound of a lovely laugh.”

“Mmmm, you might’ve,” Joseph hummed, his head tilted to the side as they watched her smile grow even wider. “But then again, you might’ve not.”

“Ah.”

“Mhmm.”

“I see the paints are out.”

Shrugging as he straightened and went for his brush, Joseph replied “Thought I should do it while the day is still fresh in my head.” He wiped his brush clean and dabbed in soft violet, painting swirls all over the page. “I still find this kind of dumb but it’s a menial kind of dumb so I guess it’s okay.”

“As long as you’re actually doing it,” Mrs. Kavinsky said softly, more for herself than either of them two. She leaned herself on the bookcase and watched Joseph paint for a while before murmuring “You feeling a little better?”

Blake wasn’t going to lie, he was worried that the question might offend. Or worse, ruin Joseph’s whole ‘easy does it’ mood. But Mrs. Kavinsky knew her son well so she had to know how and when to ask certain questions. “A little bit,” Joseph replied, not in the least annoyed by the question. “Painting is kind of calming. Blake here isn’t too bad either.”

He couldn’t remember the last time he got so weirded out by someone saying his name. It was too strange having K say it in casual conversation when he’d only ever been Skov. Had they moved up in the friend meter and that was why first names were better now?

Asking was too embarrassing though. He’d look like a complete loser if he asked something stupid like that.

Giving a glance to his watch and realizing that it was only getting later and later, Blake dragged himself to his feet and grabbed his bag. “I should get going then. It’s getting late.” Disappointment was sitting hard on his shoulders but it wasn’t the time for his childish want. “I’ll catch you tomorrow probably.”

“Just sit your ass back down,” Joseph sighed, rolling his eyes as he did. He patted the spot that Blake had vacated, “Sit, pups.”

Excited flared in his chest, pulsing his heart with such an electric shock that it hurt. “Are you sure?” Blake asked, really hoping that he was sure. If this was Kavinsky, Blake might think that he was just playing with him to annoy him but this guy wasn’t that guy. This was Joseph. The real Joseph. “If you’re not up to it, it’s really okay.”

Painting a soft pink swirl through his other colors, Joseph stared at his picture for a good few quiet minutes before he hummed and dropped his brush into the water. “I think…I’m done.” Scratching his short strange hair that Blake would never get used to, he nodded and murmured “I like it. I think it came out kinda pretty.” Joseph looked up at his mother who was watching him with soft eyes, “Do you think I should get a folder or something? So they don’t get messed up?”

Blake was still standing awkwardly, Joseph’s invitation still in the air without any confirmation. “Um, so, yeah, I’m off then.”

“Why?” Joseph asked, one brow raised high as he patted the spot beside him again. “Sit. I told you it’s fine.”

“But you…told me to try again later.”

“Well, I guess now is the later of the past, huh?”

“Uh…” He was pretty sure that wasn’t how it worked but what did he know? He should always take his chances when he had them. “I…guess?”

Joseph nodded and patted the floor again. “Good. Sit, sit, pupsters.”

Chapter Text

His mind was cooler than it had been and whether he liked it or not, the damn painting had actually helped. It made Joseph’s mind slowly shut off, the only thing mattering was the colors and the strokes. Joseph wasn’t a painter by any means but he was a painter via therapy and that was enough for his tired brain.

Curling up under his covers after finally finding a position that worked for his abused body, Joseph watched Skov make his way over from the bathroom, pajamas looking sharper than pajamas should. “You know,” Joseph murmured, watching Skov as Skov watched him after putting his clothes in his backpack, “you are one of the few people who can totally pull off a pajama set.”

Skov laughed as he zipped his bag shut, his soft hair bouncing on his forehead. “What’s wrong with pajama sets? I get a nice comfy pants with a nice comfy button shirt. No thinking required. All the matching has been done for me.”

“I don’t even remember the last time I owned a pj set, dude.”

“Do pj sets even come in your size?”

Joseph glanced at his hands as if that was the telltale sign for body size. As if he didn’t know what his body was like in the first place. “What size am I?” He usually bought clothes in medium or sometimes large. It wasn’t ideal for his actual weight but he needed the height too. He’d rather have the clothes baggy than short.

What was a real pain was shopping for jeans. If someone wondered what hell was like, they had to try shopping for a boy who was a twenty-eight waist with thirty-four or thirty-six length, depending on the pants cut. Hell, finding twenty-eight waist in general was a pain. He usually just got a thirty and used a belt after he made new holes in it.

“Tall but not big,” Skov replied, stretching out on his blankets and blinking up at Joseph with a goofy smile. “Like dude, I’m amazed that clothes even sit on your waist. You and me look like we weigh the same and that is concerning because of our height difference.”

It was in fact very concerning. Joseph of course knew that. But it wasn’t his fault he was unhealthy.

Mostly.

Kind of.

With a sigh, Joseph yawned too far for it not to hurt and blinked down at his friend. Skov was probably one of the most legit people out of all of them. Sure, he had his own little assoholery moments but Joseph was pretty sure that was because of all of them being bad influences. He was trustworthy, understanding, and cute though that part was technically irrelevant. He was and yet wasn’t as wholesome as Emilio was and Emilio both was and wasn’t as wholesome as Skov was. “Hey, can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

It was a stupid thing but if Joseph was finally going to be himself, wake up and finally find himself again, then he was allowed to ask as many stupid questions as he liked. “If I had ever asked you out, would you have said yes?”

Not looking even the tiniest bit offended or even embarrassed like these types of questions would always made Skov, his friend mulled it over with a thumbnail in his mouth. “Well…I would have turned you down because I’ve never considered myself anything other than straight. Even hanging around Jiang and Swan, like…” his head tipped to the side, sinking into his pillow with that serious look on his face, “I’ve never been curious. Now, if I had been or am, I still think I’d reject you.”

“Ouch,” Joseph couldn’t help but laugh. He appreciated the honesty to the point that it didn’t even hurt his pride.

“Just because like, you’re not in a healthy enough headspace to be in a proper relationship. A healthy relationship.”

Fair point. Joseph had it hard enough navigating him and Emilio’s relationship and his headspace had been way healthier then than it was now. With Swan…they were a mess. And now that he’d screamed his head and felt a little lighter and clearer, Joseph knew that he was a little overboard. Swan was no saint, but he was a saint in the relationship game if nothing else.

“Once you’re around your family some more, your therapist, friends, and whoever else, you’ll start feeling better again.”

“Your positivity gives me the heeby fucking jeebies, man.”

“Aw but my heeby jeebies are the best!”

He didn’t even bother deigning that with a response.

“Can you please just take a shit somewhere?” Joseph all but snapped at Walnut who was trying to pick the best place in the backyard. She’d been going back and forth for the past fifteen minutes and, yes, Joseph was well aware that she preferred her shits taken elsewhere but this was what they had to work with for the moment. If he was willing to clean even with half his body fucked up, then she could make a couple compromises too. “It’s all the same.”

“Actually-” Skov began in that damn prodigy know-it-all voice.

“Shut your face,” Joseph said, cutting Skov off before he had the chance. Joseph knew how it worked, thank you. He didn’t particularly care this not fine morning that was way too stuffy for life. It was fuck ass hot and Joseph hated fuck ass Henrietta. “When I ask, you can give me all the damn news flashes you want. But not before.”

“Why the hate, Timmy.”

“Because Timmy is tired to the point where he will not mind bashing your face in right now,” he snapped as Walnut yet again walked away from a spot she’d been checking out. “How’s that for you, Tommy?”

“Harsh but I’ll deal,” Skov sighed as he shook his head. “I can just take her on a walk for you. I don’t mind.”

Joseph spared a glance at the tiny boy beside him who thought he could wrangle a one hundred and fifteen pound dog by himself. A dog that he didn’t really know that well in the first place. “Skovron, I hate to break it to you, but she’s as big as you, man. Literally.”

Skov took a minute to look down at his body and then glanced back up at Walnut who was finally satisfied with the spot she’d picked. He squinted for a moment before shrugging and giving Joseph a big smile. “I got at least, at least, five inches on her. At least, K. Don’t test me and my little patience when it comes to my height.”

“Uhuh. What will you do to me if I do?”

Thumbnail in his mouth, Skov blinked at him before shrugging. He didn’t bother to mildly explain what he could possibly do and instead took the bag from Joseph’s hand and walked over to where Walnut had shat. “You’re welcome, by the way.”

Joseph had actually been about to say thank you, but this bastard hadn’t given him a proper chance. So now, just to be that asshole, he was keeping his thank you to himself. “I saw nothing.”

“Ouch. Why are you hurting my feelings today?” Skov came walking over, the filled bag swinging back and forth in his hand without a care, still dressed in his sharp pjs. “Did I snore? Sasha has told me before that, sometimes, I’m pretty serious in the snore game.”

He had noticed. It wasn’t necessarily Skov’s fault because Joseph was both a snorer and had slept beside the loudest snorer before – his father – but man, had the night been bad. No matter which way he turned which was limited as it was, Joseph couldn’t sleep. He’d closed his eyes, counted sheep, sang his lullaby in his head, and thought of happy times. When all attempts had been tried and failed, he had simply laid there, staring up at the ceiling though sometimes, his gaze would drag over to his photo wall. The creeping bathroom light wasn’t the most optimal for proper viewing but it suited his purposes plenty.

So while Skov’s snoring had nothing to do with the fact that he didn’t sleep, Joseph was in fact grumpy from the lack of sleep. Just, not because of Skov. So technically, being snippy at Skov wasn’t fair but no one said Joseph always played fair. “So what exactly is up with Proko?” Joseph tried, hoping that Skov didn’t want to hate him too for his lack of knowledge on the topic like Jiang. “Flu in the summer?”

Coming from around the house after trashing the shit bag, Skov did that little twisty thing with his mouth with his hands on his hips. “Lemme ask you something.”

Oh boy. “Go for it.”

“Genuinely, did you not wonder once where Sasha was during this whole,” his arms went wild in a circle with his eyes going as wide as his arms “thing? Like did you ever once think ‘gee, I saw Swan and Jiang just left, oh, and there’s Skov. Where’s Prokopenko?’” Tapping his blonde blonde head, Skov finished “Did that once flicker up here?”

Stuffing his hand in the pocket of his pants to stop himself from scratching at his pressure sleeve, Joseph bit at his lip, trying to decide how he was to answer. Really, Proko hadn’t entered his mind once. It wasn’t for any particular reason, it was just that a lot of stuff was currently happening in his life and…Prokopenko…just wasn’t as important. His friends weren’t even that important either. Like, yeah, it was nice that they came to see him and it made him feel really good because it meant they cared but like…

Yeah.

Joseph was not only dealing with the fact that he lived, but there were the aftereffects of everything else. His mother was clean, his father was here, his aunt and cousins had shown up completely uninvited, and Joseph was a mess. That was a lot of crap to deal with without adding Prokopenko to the mix. Undead Prokopenko.

“I’m going to be completely honest,” Joseph began, already feeling the pressure of Skov’s judgy eyes, “not…really.” One of Skov’s eyebrows raised up high. “But I mean, I’m dealing with a lot of shit right now and Proko isn’t at the top of the list.” Skov crossed his arms, his lips pursing in displeasure. “C’mon, Skov, feel with me a little. If you were in my situation, would you be thinking much about Prokopenko?”

With those pretty lips twisting back and forth as he thought this over, Skov walked over to a pool chair and dropped himself in it. No matter how hot and stuffy it was, swimming was out of the question for Joseph. Which sucked because the freeing feeling of the water would be nice on his skin. Nicer than this damn sun and he wasn’t even in the sun unless he wanted to fuck his burns and grafts over.

He was not that stupid, thank you.

“Okay, I get where you’re coming from,” Skov began in his lecture voice, “but I also think that most people would have thought about the only friend of the group that hasn’t shown up. I’d get a little curious at the very least.”

How was he supposed to explain that there was more going on in his life than it seemed? His father was here. An undead man. Joseph was still a dreamer, even if he’d been lucky enough to have his forest turned off for the time being. Maybe he had to thank Atanas? Who knew. Joseph didn’t have a clue what was going on in there. Or up there. Or wherever it was.

Plus, he still had Diana to worry about. Where the fuck had she gone? It wasn’t like she knew the place so she couldn’t have gone far. But Joseph sure hadn’t heard anything about sights of a huge flaming ass dragon. Or a freaky looking girl. Could she change her appearance in the real world? Or was she restricted to reality’s rules while here? It’d be weird if she wasn’t so…she had to, right?

“You heard news of dragons lately?”

Skov sighed, almost, just almost, angrily, his lecture voice coming out in full force. Like full full force. Like Skov on drugs if he ever did any. “I’m legit trying to have a serious conversation with you right now. Can you focus?”

The dragon convo was actually serious but Skov wouldn’t get that. “Look. Look, look.” Joseph paused and scratched at his hair that would be a bed head if he actually had enough hair. He missed his hair as foolish as it sounded. The faster it grew back, the better. “I completely understand what you’re saying. I really do.” Skov snorted in disbelief. “But bear with me hear for a second. I’ve been through a lot in a very short amount of time. And…yeah, I should’ve asked about Proko a long time ago. Especially because he’s the OG of this gang after me.”

Skov had that look that said he wanted to laugh but was refusing to. “Wouldn’t the OG care about his first OG then?”

Pointing with a long bony finger, Joseph replied “Yes, yes he would. But keep in mind that the OG of the OG’s has his head jumbled up with a million things right now. And there’s a million things going on outside his brain as well.” Millions, good Lord. “I haven’t seen my dad in literal years and now I’m living with him. I haven’t spoken to my family in years and now quite a few of them are here. I-”

Cutting him off with a wave of his hand, Skov stretched his legs out where he sat on one of the colorful pool chairs that Joseph’s mother had gotten to spite him because he’d wanted the brown ones and said “Stop. You know, you’re right and I should’ve taken that into account.” Tilting his head in thought, Skov murmured “We’re all offended on Sasha’s behalf but we should have realized that it’s more than just a stint in the hospital that you’re going through. I’m sorry.”

God, it was always nice to be right. But…in a way, Joseph was also still technically wrong here. “Thank you but I still should have asked and I’m also sorry.”

With a giggle and a smile, Skov clapped like the idiot he was. “I wish I’d recorded that! Kavinsky knows how to say sorry! Hallelujah, great balls of fire!”

He didn’t want to smile and encourage this fool but he couldn’t help it. Even a laugh escaped his chapped lips as he shook his head and walked back towards the house. “Stop being such a little shit, you little shit. Jesus.”

Chapter Text

The day went by quicker than any other. Honestly, Joseph wasn’t too sure that he was happy about it because it felt like wasting a day but at least it’d been chill. Joseph wasn’t even sure when the last time had been that he’d spent so much time with Skov. This had to be the longest ever in their entire knowing of each other.

And if that didn’t speak of friendship, then it at least spoke of friend-decency.

By the time evening came, both he and Skov were still down in the basement, working on their buildings. Joseph’s wasn’t even close to done because he always had to take things too far but Skov only had some finishing touches left to his hobbit hole. It was impressive, but Joseph was pretty sure his building was cooler.

He was a conceited bastard, if nothing else.

“You wouldn’t happen to have a hobbit Lego man by any chance, would you?” Skov asked, breaking their nearly hour long silence. “It’d look better than just your average construction man.”

“Yeah, hold up,” Joseph murmured as he leaned back to check the proportions of his tower. Another level should be enough but then again…a stubby Barad-Dur wouldn’t be fitting at all. If he was doing this, then it had to be done properly. “Three levels then,” he said to himself as he scooted over to his tub and started digging. “I used to have like five hobbits but honestly, I don’t think I’ve seen them in a while…”

“Hey, so I was thinking-”

“Don’t hurt yourself. Thinking’s dangerous, you know.”

“You really need to realize that you’re totally not as cute as you think you are.” Joseph laughed as he tossed Skov a hobbit before looking for another. “Why don’t you come with me to Aglionby tonight?” His shuffling of hundreds of Legos paused. “You can check on Sasha and then, you know, like…talk to Swan.”

Joseph felt like a broken record from how often he had to explain himself. Plopping onto his butt and grimacing at Skov, he snorted “Man, do you listen when I speak?”

Snapping the hobbit down in the little front yard he’d made for his hobbit hole, Skov didn’t meet his eyes as he replied softly “I’m just trying to help.”

“Yeah, well, your ‘helping’ is starting to piss me off.”

With his pert nose all scrunched into a shape of disdain, Skov glanced up at him and said “You know that half your problem, and I have known this for years just so you know, it is not something new, is that you try so hard to refuse help? Like, it’s like it disgusts you or something and I hate to break it to you, Kavinsky, but there is not a single person in this world who can survive without some help. I want you to get better from the bottom of my little Skovron heart but you can’t fight me every step of the way.”

He had a feeling Skov might end up flinging some Legos at him soon. “Why not? I’m pretty okay at fighting, you know.”

Joseph had no clue that Skov’s nose could scrunch that much. Holy hell, it was like it became this little ball of squish. “I know you think I’m this little petite sweet thing, but I promise you, I can get angry too. I can totally punch you if I have to. I’m getting really really close to that level, buddy.”

Disagreement was on the tip of his tongue but something in Skov’s face stopped his sarcastic reply. It wasn’t like he’d never faced Skov’s disappointment because he was disappointing him like all the time but for some reason… “Skovron-”

“No, sir, do not ‘Skovron’ me.”

Scratching at his shitty hair, Joseph sat there, silent in his words. Not in thought, but definitely in words. He hadn’t put words ‘delicately’ in years that he wasn’t so sure how he was supposed to convey what he had to say without Skov cutting him off for doing it wrong.

Adding an extra tree to his hobbit’s yard, Skov snorted “That’s it? Gave up already?”

Clenching his teeth to try and retain what little decency he had left for Skov, Joseph shut his eyes and rested his head on his tub of Legos. “Kavinsky’s aren’t giver-upers, man. But we are thinkers so gimme a minute here to break down my words.”

“I’ll allow two before I give you some more of mine.”

Running his lip through his teeth, Joseph began softly “I’m worried Swan doesn’t want to talk to me.”

Might as well get that fearful elephant out of the room.

“I do really bad with rejection. I didn’t use but it’s just that…” he paused as he gnawed on his lip some more, trying to convey his feelings without really conveying his feelings because he was sick of having to get deep about everything. Wasn’t he allowed a little of privacy? “I feel like…I’m never good enough. For anything or, really, anyone. That the minute someone gets what they want from me or they know someone cooler or whatever…”

They’d leave him behind.

Like Lynch. Like Blue.

It wasn’t just them, that was the thing. People ditching him was nothing new. That was why the only real friend he’d ever had was Emilio. Even the friendship he’d had with Micah had eventually teetered off to him hanging out with the other guys on the baseball team. Joseph had always been the weird or nerdy kid that was just kind of there. You talked to them but then you moved on once you met someone new. And it hurt. It always hurt.

Keeping his eyes shut and his head still on the edge of the box, Joseph murmured “Sometimes, being the one who’ll eventually be left behind hurts more than already knowing that you’re the kid who gets left out. Because people will say that you’re friends and everything is great but then you’re not good enough anymore and you just sit there and wonder why. What changed?”

Joseph hadn’t forgotten that he was talking to Skov, but his voice still spooked him as he asked “Did you forget that your crew is total ride or die freaks for you?

The point was to make him feel better, he knew that, but if anything, the words just hurt. His friends were his friends, sure, but they’d made friends with Kavinsky, not Joseph. They were ride or die for Kavinsky and his fun and his stupidity and his parties. They liked what they saw and even then, there had been a few times when he’d been the sucker of the group and left behind. Even though it was his damn group. If they got tired of Kavinsky then why exactly would they put up with Joseph? Kavinsky was all the ugly parts of him sure, but handling Joseph wasn’t any easier either.

He should break up with Finlay.

“I think,” Joseph practically whispered, feeling more tired than he had since he’d woken up in the hospital, “that I want you to go home now.” Skov wasn’t annoying him in any way but Joseph wanted space. He wanted quiet.

Joseph just wanted to be alone. If he could find a way to get everyone else out of his house, then he would. Shutting his door or being alone in a room wasn’t enough because he knew that they were just outside, sitting around like ants everywhere.

There was the sound of shuffling fabric and then some clinking of plastic. He knew Skov was standing when his voice was higher than Joseph was sitting, still moping into the tub of Legos. “Ummm…okay then. Um, just like, get some rest, okay? You’ll feel better after some rest.”

Rest was hard. Rest was painful. But for Skov, he’d give it a shot. “Yeah, sure, thanks. Goodnight or whatever.”

It took a good minute before he actually heard Skov start moving, his footsteps getting quieter and quieter as he disappeared out of the basement. He knew Skov would tell everyone that it was his idea to get going; he wouldn’t expose Joseph’s depressed state. Joseph wasn’t even sure if this was his depressed state because it didn’t feel like it. It was more like…defeated. Something had defeated him today and he didn’t even know what it was for sure.

But it’d been something and whatever it’d been made him feel like he’d failed.

Keeping his eyes shut as he slid himself down onto the floor, Joseph laid on his back as he wondered about everything. And anything. It didn’t matter; he just laid there and contemplated this wonder of a life.

And that was that.

Finlay blinked and just damn blinked and blinked at the text he was staring at. He was confused and insulted at the same time. Annoyed? Frustrated, most likely. Angry. Anger was definitely something he was feeling.

Definitely.

The phone number was Mrs. Kavinsky’s as he’d saved it the minute he’d worked up the courage to ask her for it in the hospital. But Finlay knew the message sure as hell wasn’t written by her.

I’m really really sorry about before but I think its best we break up

sorry

Excuse the fuck him?

“Why’s your face looking all constipated and shit?” Jiang asked from where he hung over the edge of Finlay’s bed, staring down at him where he’d been sitting on the floor, flipping through a motorcycle magazine. He had a license but only for cars. Finlay had loved motorcycles since he was little when his dad had got one but he was a little chicken to actually drive one.

Just a little.

“My boyfriend just dumped me,” he replied in a very very matter-o-fact voice. “Over text and through his mother’s phone.”

Jiang’s body noodled down onto the floor as he shoved his head over Finlay’s phone to read the message. “The fuck? What happened to ‘a text is just insulting?’”

Finlay knew that there’d been an argument of some sort over Prokopenko and Skov had showed him the bruise already but he didn’t know that they’d talked about him too. “What do you mean?”

“Nothing, man, nothing.” Jiang shook his head as he snorted in disgust. “This dude is a piece of shit, I swear to God. You feel bad for him for a tiny ass fraction of a second but then you remember what a shit he is and change your entire damn mind. The fuck, man, the fuck.” Picking his phone off the floor, his job now done, Jiang added as he focused back on his game “You should’ve dumped him first for bragging reasons.”

He didn’t bother giving that a response. It wasn’t worth the headache he’d get back from it. Spending another two minutes reading the stupidest text on the planet, Finlay decided to just settle for a sigh. A really big one. It wasn’t the first time someone had dumped him nor was it the first time that Joseph had dumped him but like…

What the fuck, man.

Okay, so, yeah, Finlay was still upset about a few days ago but arguments were arguments. He was just waiting for a damn good apology, that was all. That was respect in a relationship. Instead, he was getting this bullshit for God knew what reason and what bothered him was that he wasn’t bothered. He was angry because he deserved better than a text message but he wasn’t actually bothered by the content of the message because it just didn’t feel real. It was too sudden like Joseph had just done it on some stupid whim which he probably had.

Finlay should talk to Skov about this. He was the one who’d spent the last two days with him.

Getting to his feet with Jiang not even curious nor caring, Finlay called on his way out “I’ll be right back, JJ.”

“I’ll fuck you up, man.”

“I know, I know. Love you too, JiaJia.”

Chapter Text

It took him a quick minute to reach Skov and Prokopenko’s room. A quick minute of having to walk outside in the nastiest stickiest air of Henrietta summer to get to the next building but he’d arrived unscathed if not fresh. “Hey, turds, open up,” Finlay called as he rapped his knuckles on the door. “Late night visit of love, bitches.”

Skov’s face wasn’t looking as bright as usual when he opened the door with his signature smile. “I’m down for a visit of love! But where’s my flowers?”

“Shut your face,” Swan snorted, shoving his way in and giving a wave to Prokopenko stuffing his face on the bed. It didn’t matter how many times he looked at this guy, Swan couldn’t comprehend that this really wasn’t their buddy. For some reason, it made sense with Mr. Kavinsky but Prokopenko? Really? “How you feeling, cripple?”

Tossing an Apple Jack in the air and catching it with his mouth, Prokopenko gave an easy shrug. He’d been switched to a walking boot yesterday, the doctor encouraging him to enjoy the easy mobility again. Not that Prokopenko had taken advantage of that. Not that he cared to, actually. He was content being a beached whale. Basketball could get him to move but not much else. “Not bad, not bad. I don’t even have a headache today. Is that nice or nice? Or maybe, super nice?”

“Totes nice.” With that concern out of the way, he sat down on the edge of Skov’s bed and gave the younger boy a poke. “How was K today?”

Eyes flicking up from his laptop, Skov’s mouth curled into what he probably thought was an innocent look but if anything, it just made his lie stick out worse than it would’ve. “He was good today. We had fun.”

“So he was feeling alright and shit?” Skov’s head bounced, his hair dancing with the movement. He didn’t seem to be that much into gel these days. Or haircuts. Jiang had been thinking for the past week to have Finlay hold Skov down so he could cut his hair for him. “Funny because he just outright dumped me over text, Skovron, and I don’t think he would’ve if he was feeling good.”

“Straight for the gut,” Prokopenko laughed. Out of the crew, he was the only one who hadn’t had a reaction to Finlay and Joseph getting together. Either he just really didn’t care at all or he knew something they all hadn’t.

Skov’s eyes went wide. “Dumped you?” he squeaked, looking even more scandalized than that time they’d caught him kissing a girl. “That can’t be right!”

“I think I know how to read.”

“But…” Skov’s thumbnail went to his mouth after he shut his laptop, the flicking of it on his teeth loud in the quiet, “that doesn’t make sense.”

Obviously, they’d talked about him. Or their relationship. “Yeah, that’s what I thought too.”

With his eyes filled with worry, Skov scooted close and almost whispered, for absolutely no reason because what were they being secretive for, “I know, like, you guys fought and he crossed a line but maybe you should go check on him. He really wanted to apologize, I swear. But I can’t tell you more than that.”

“Won’t spill me any secrets?”

“No, sir, I don’t play like that.”

Yeah, he knew that, but he still had given it a shot. Sometimes if you tried hard enough, you could get Skov to spill the tea. “I shouldn’t have to-”

“I know! I know. But…he’s having a really…rough time.”

“Man, shouldn’t I say hey or something?” Prokopenko asked, his mouth too full for mannered speaking. “I was sick before but I’m pretty okay now. I should check on him. Maybe tomorrow. Yeah, that’d be good.”

They just let Prokopenko talk to himself. His musings weren’t Finlay’s problem now or really ever. Prokopenko was good at figuring out his own issues, even with his half-baked brain. It was probably why he talked out loud so much. “So even though he was in the wrong-”

“But-”

“Prodigy, you best stop interrupting,” Finlay snorted, getting annoyed but not quite angry. Skov still had his very ugly bruise after someone’s anger.

Someone.

Ehem.

“Just talk to him!” Skov snapped, his cheeks red with frustration. His fists were clenched with his teeth matching. Even being washed out by his white tshirt, his frustration was giving him more color than he’d ever had. “He’s going through a lot, okay! Just give him a chance.” His hands went up in the air, “God! Why are my friends so stubborn and stupid! Why?”

Finlay just settled for a nod. They were totally all stubborn and stupid. “So I have to give in?”

Groaning behind his hands, Skov kicked Finlay much harder than he’d expected from those chicken legs. He had decent calves though. “This isn’t about giving in!” he shouted, earning them some banging on the wall from their neighbor. For once in his life, Skov didn’t seem to care. “This is about your relationship! About love! And liking! And caring! All of you need to grow up, oh my God!”

Sharing a concerned looked with Prokopenko who had actually bothered to sit up through the yelling, Finlay turned back to the little pup who was red with annoyance. “You know you’re the youngest, right?”

“Then if I am,” Skov snapped, his little fists clenched into his sheet, making some really ugly wrinkles that’d make him regret later, “why am I the most mature here, huh?”

“Because you’re a half-prodigy?” Finlay offered with a cheeky smile and waggling eyebrows. A pissed Skov was literally the best to mess with. You needed a pick me up? Mess with Skov and you’d be smiling in a second. Less than a second even. Maybe it was the way he’d flush or the scrunch of his pert nose. “No?” Finlay asked when Skov passed him a dirty look with his frown looking even more frowny. “Damn, and here I thought you was smart.”

“Were, were smart. You know that.”

“Maybe I needed the half-prodigy to correct me.”

“Why?” Prokopenko asked as he munched. It was bad manners to chew and speak but maybe Prokopenko’s grandma hadn’t cared to remind him that often. Or because grandma wasn’t around, he didn’t really care. “Are you stupid?”

Finlay looked over in Prokopenko’s direction, eyeing him with one of his best glares. “You dare?”

His fellow raven just shrugged, his crooked shoulders never able to find the coordination they needed between each other. One would go up, but the other would barely follow. Maybe they just didn’t like each other? Could shoulders hate one another?

Did shoulders even have feelings?

“Do you think shoulders have feelings?”

“Excuse me? Are you mocking my shoulders in a subtle way?”

Rolling his eyes and stretching himself out on Skov’s bed, so done with Skov and his judgmental bullshit, Finlay snorted “Buddy, if I was gonna mock your freaky ass shoulders, I’d do it to your face and very unsubtly. Try me.”

Because he was laying down, he couldn’t see Prokopenko’s face but he could hear the tiniest bit of hurt in his voice. Just the tiniest amount. There were two things Prokopenko was sensitive about and that was his shoulders and his ears. “Yeah, well, I think your hair is ugly. So there.”

Skov was right. They were so fuck ass immature. “You being racist to my ‘fro, you bitch?” Finlay laughed, rubbing his growing curls that were almost the perfect length for the rows he wanted. The best thing about his hair was how fast it grew. Finlay could go from one hairstyle to the next with ease which was great for someone like him who liked to switch up his styles every couple months. “White boy, don’t make me beat you.”

Man, did he hang out with too many white boys. All he had was Jiang. Though if you asked Kavinsky if he was a white boy, he’d vehemently deny it and emphatically reiterate that he was Bulgarian.

“Big difference, buddy. Don’t lump white people together, thank you.”

He really should find out what was going on with his bae. Former bae. Whatever they currently were to each other.

Getting up with a huff and a sigh, Finlay slipped his slides on and reached over to Prokopenko’s bowl of cereal, grabbing some for the road. “Mine, jackass,” Prokopenko snorted, slapping Finlay’s hand away though he’d already grabbed a decent amount. “Go buy your own.”

“I’ll buy some on my way to K’s. I need some for the trip.”

“So you’re going to go then?” Skov called behind him as Finlay opened their dorm door. The whole building was air-conditioned but damn hell, did it not feel like it when your shorts and jersey stuck to you like glue. The problem with Henrietta was the humidity. Heat plus humidity was not a good combo. It was a good thing that Finlay wasn’t one of those people who sweated buckets. Charles call me Chuck, no matter how clean he was, always smelled like sweat. Always. “Lemme know what happens!”

“In your dreams,” Finlay snorted as he shut the door louder than Skov’s neighbors would like and made his way back to his dorm. He at least had to be presentable, if nothing else. For Joseph’s parents. He couldn’t look like a slob in front of them.

By the time he showered, changed, stopped at 31+, and grabbed Joseph his favorite type of sundae, Finlay thought maybe he needed another shower.

And another ice cream.

31+ was literally only a four minute drive from K’s house and Finlay had his air-con blasting but goddamn. The little drips were starting and the banana was not looking as pretty as it had.

Ice cream first then. Apologies and misunderstandings would have to wait.

Making sure his clothes were straight and the sundae was gorgeous, Finlay made his way to the grand doorway and rang the bell. It was closer to midnight than evening but it wasn’t like Joseph was an early sleeper anyways.

Although…maybe the rest of the house was?

“Too late now,” he murmured as he rang the bell again. Finlay knew someone was looking through the peephole because the door gave a little creak but they didn’t seem to want to open. When too many seconds passed, he rang the bell again as the door opened, revealing Anka. “Hi, is Joseph still awake?”

Joseph’s cousin gave him a long look before her eyes settled on the ice cream. “It’s melting.”

No shit. “So…?”

She shrugged as she leaned against the doorway, her mouth twisted to the side in disdain. “I’ve no idea. I live here and I probably see him as much as you do. Plus, I thought you two were done with each other?”

Jiang had filled him in on everything that this bitch had tried to touch. She didn’t know that Finlay was more stubborn and rude than she could ever be. But he was a damn good southern gentleman so he had better manners than to show it.

“Whether we are or aren’t is our business, miss.” He didn’t quite push but Finlay wiggled himself closer, inching his way inside the house and into the foyer. The relief from the sticky outside air was pure heaven. “Now if you’ll excuse me,” he said in way of goodbye, giving her a little bow before turning and working his way to the stairs. Good thing he knew his way around just fine.

“That’s funny, you look a lot like lover boy.”

Lifting his head up after slipping off his shoes and beginning his ascend, Finlay gave Mr. Kavinsky a greeting nod. Finlay had seen this man in various situations in the hospital but seeing him half asleep was a new one. His eyes were barely even open and his bedhead was almost hilarious. “He has an evil twin, didn’t he tell you?”

Running his fingers through his hair and smoothing it out, Mr. Kavinsky looked him up and down once Finlay made it up to him. “You know it’s fucking midnight, right? Where’s those manners they’re supposed to teach you in the south?”

“Are you stereotyping the south?”

“Yes.”

At least he was honest. Finlay raised up the sundae, “I came to eat ice cream with my ex. Time is an illusion when it comes to ice cream.”

Either he knew that Joseph had dumped him or it really was no surprise. Or maybe he just wanted to act like he knew so he could feel superior or something. That sounded totally like something Mr. K would do. “You might be eating alone if he doesn’t let you in. Also, chocolate with rainbow sprinkles.”

Finlay glanced at his sundae that was totally not chocolate with rainbow sprinkles. He knew for a fact that strawberry with bananas and mangoes with whip cream was Joseph’s favorite thing from 31+. “Huh?”

A little smile grew on the man’s tired face as he knocked a knuckle on Finlay’s head. “My order for next time.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah.”

“Noted,” Finlay laughed with a shake of his head. “Didn’t take you for a rainbow sprinkle kind of guy.”

Snorting as he rolled his eyes and began his descent downstairs, Mr. Kavinsky called to Finlay “Sprinkles know no boundaries, lover boy.”

He couldn’t beat the lover boy out of him but damn, was he going to have to find a way to make him stop saying it. Finlay hated it; it sounded so damn sarcastic and rude.

“My ice cream is melting with you just standing there, you know?”

Finlay never gave power to the other party, whoever they were, but Joseph won him this time by catching him by surprise. Coming out  of his room was the last thing Finlay had expected. He thought he’d have to spend at least, at least, a good twenty minutes in front of Joseph’s bedroom door to get him to open. “Hey.”

Chapter Text

God, he looked so bad. Was this ‘good’ in Skov’s mind? The fuck? He looked like he’d lost weight since the hospital, his color was pale as fuck like there was no blood running in him, and his expression just looked…tired. So damn tired.

Too tired.

“Why’d you dump me, you asshole.”

Fuck the ice cream. Just seeing Joseph’s face was enough to remind him why he was actually here and that he was very much actually kinda sorta pissed about being dumped over text. Even if it was a fake dumping or a temporary one.

It hurt.

Joseph rested his head on the edge of the wall, his arms crossed, and his eyes closed. “You’re better off without me.”

Finlay bit down the urge to lick the melting ice cream. If they were going to talk first then it had to be done properly. Though he wished they’d made into the room at least. There wasn’t much privacy at the little loft at the top of the stairs. “Who says you get to decide what I’m better with or without?”

“I think I’d know best because I know myself.”

“Man, you don’t know shit about yourself. Or me, for that matter.”

He saw the slightest flick of emotion light up in Joseph’s face. Just the smallest touch of anger. Finlay liked it better than this blank tiredness. With his jaw tight and eyes still closed, Joseph said carefully “You people sure like to try and tell me about myself, don’t you?”

“Everyone does it to everyone. It’s not about you. Don’t take it to heart.”

Opening his eyes ever so carefully the way one did when they were coming from a dark room to a light one, Joseph gnawed on his bottom lip as he stared at Finlay. Finlay wasn’t too sure if he was supposed to break the silence or not, so he just let it run its course just in case Joseph was using this as thinking time or something.

When it got to the point where the silence had become longer than the time they’d spoken, Finlay thought that maybe Joseph was waiting for him to fill the silence. Maybe this was all a test. Or maybe he just wanted to try and psych Finlay out with all this staring and quietness.

Maybe there were too many maybe options.

A plop of cold hit his hand but Finlay let it be. He’d wash his hands later. Fuck this fucking ice cream. “You ever been dumped? It hurts, you know. You’ve dumped me twice now. I do have self-respect, thank you.”

“If you do,” Joseph drawled out, his voice borderline Kavinsky when he was ready to fuck someone up, “then why are you here? Where’s your pride, Finlay? Foster care break your dignity?”

Finlay was going to make sure he detailed every little sentence to Skov to make him understand why it wasn’t fair that he had to come and apologize. This had nothing to do with stubbornness and everything to do with the fact that Finlay was the one who was wronged. But here he was because Joseph was going through a rough time and sometimes, giving in was better for everyone.

Too bad for his ex that Finlay had a hell of a lot more pride than he had concern for the better for everyone. He could be selfish.

What he wanted to do was throw the ice cream right in Joseph’s face but he didn’t want to fuck up Mrs. Kavinsky’s carpet. It wasn’t her fault her son was so damn self-destructive. “Foster care couldn’t break shit out of me,” he snapped, letting his anger get the best of him in the middle of his ex’s house that was filled with people at the strike of midnight. “But it looks like your daddy beat the fucking Joseph out of you, huh?” Someone choked downstairs but he didn’t give a damn for whoever was listening. “I came out of respect for you because you’re going through hella shit but this?” he waved his hand between them, “this give and take of nasty attitude, I don’t stand for.”

Kavinsky’s eyes glittered in the gloom. Kavinsky. “Then don’t. I already dumped you anyways. Fuck off. You’re like a fucking leech, huh, Finlay? Is it because you got dumped from every home that couldn’t stand you?”

Closing his eyes and taking the deepest possible breath through clenched teeth, Finlay grasped the bridge of his nose as he tried his hardest to find his patience. He wasn’t sure that he really wanted it in the first place but in a home that wasn’t his and was that of a woman he respected quite a bit, he held on the best he could. “You know what,” Finlay began softly as he removed his hand and opened his eyes, “I’ve got a lot of issues from the shit I’ve been through. But unlike you, I acknowledge that. I know that I have attachment problems and I know that I have an obsessiveness when it comes to caring for people. I know that I can be mean and I know I can be violent. I know all these things are a product of how I grew up.”

It didn’t matter how much he liked Joseph nor how crappy his ex was feeling because Finlay wasn’t a damn chump. No one walked over him, no matter who they were. Life had tossed him enough shit to last him a lifetime and if he could help it, Finlay would make sure that any he could dodge, he would.

Joseph wanted him? Then he damn well had to put the effort this time.

“You also know that when you are mean or violent, it is also a product of how you grew up. You know it but you choose to act like you don’t.” Joseph just watched him with unimpressed eyes but from the tick of his jaw, Finlay knew that he was eating up every word, ready to fight back just as hard. “You’re self-destructive and you know it. It freaks you out when something’s going good because you don’t know how to handle it. So you think ‘hey, why not get rid of it before it gets rid of me?’”

“There’s nothing wrong with ending something before it bites you back in the ass,” Joseph snorted, his eyes rolling in such a way that no drama queen could ever compare with. With a face as bony as his was right now, it was truly a sight to behold. “It’s called taking precautions.”

Precautions, his fucking ass.

“I didn’t take you for the sensitive type.”

The ice cream was a mess at this point, with quite a bit of it all over his hand. Any second now it’d start dripping on the floor. He should’ve never bothered to get showered, or dressed, or get this damn dessert because this man in front of him didn’t deserve shit.

Finlay couldn’t wait to tell Skov everything.

“I came here,” Finlay began, not letting his exhaustion seep into his voice. If he was going to stand his ground, then he had to do this properly because this wasn’t going to just hurt Joseph. Maybe he’d dumped him first but they both knew it had really been real. He just knew. “Out of my respect for you. I didn’t have to come but I didn’t want you to have to go through showing your face at a place I know you’re avoiding.”

He wasn’t positive but Finlay could’ve sworn that he saw the façade of ‘Kavinsky’ fall just a little.

The drips all over his hand was gross at this point but Finlay was going to finish what he had to say. It wasn’t what he’d come with the intent to say, he’d come with a much different plan, but it had to be done. All of this bullshit was going too far and he was letting it happen. “I really really like you. Like, a lot.”

Joseph’s jaw worked its way side to side, “I thought you loved me. There’s a difference.”

Finlay didn’t even bother acknowledging that. “But the best thing for me and you right now is ending this whole,” he waved his empty hand between them, “mess.”

A dry laugh echoed from Joseph’s voice, his entire face lighting up in disbelief, and his tone coming out nastier than Finlay had heard in a while. “So you think you can just come in here and…dump me? I already dumped you, fuckass.”

There was no reason to acknowledge that statement either. He wasn’t finished here. “You’re not healthy enough to be in a relationship. I am not going to put myself in a bad relationship or headspace just because I like you. That’s not fair to me. That’s wrong of me to keep myself in a toxic relationship and it’s wrong of you to provide one. I am gladly still your friend and more than happy to help you on what’s gonna be a very long road to health and happiness but as of now, boyfriends is a no-go.”

“You done?” His voice was rawer than it’d been a moment ago but the soft gloom of the dim stair lights wasn’t enough to provide him a proper view of too subtle emotions that were flickering by, faster than the speed of light.

According to the mess in his hand, yes, he was. “I like you and I still want to be in a relationship with you. But not like this. This isn’t okay. So when you’re where you need to be, you can come find me. As a friend? You can come find me tomorrow and I’ll be there.” Shaking his head, he added “But not as a boyfriend.” He lifted up the ruined sundae, “We were supposed to eat this together after making up, just so you know. I’ve been wanting to slam it in your face the whole time we’ve been fighting but I don’t want to make your mom’s floor dirty. Remember that.”

Finlay didn’t look back as he walked down the stairs, didn’t look up as he slipped on his shoes, didn’t look around as he tossed the sundae in the sink, and didn’t turn around as he left the house.

It wasn’t until he’d reached the stop sign at the end of the street that he glanced in the direction of the house where he’d left his feelings. All the words said had ached his heart like some bad heartburn but all of them were right. It had to be said and done. What they had going was not a functioning relationship and he knew that Joseph knew that.

Didn’t mean he didn’t feel bad about it though.

Chapter Text

Knocking on his mother’s bedroom door before sticking his head in, Joseph watched her sleeping form rise and fall for a few moments before quietly leaving and shutting the door once more. She needed sleep way more than he needed a shower. It wasn’t her fault that he was up at the ass crack of dawn unable to catch more than an hour of sleep; it had more to do with the mess with Finlay than his body but both sides played a part in his insomnia. Also, the typical Joseph-insomnia issues.

It wasn’t like those could just be magically forgotten.

He sighed as he walked down the stairs in search of his next helper. This one was a fellow insomniac so there was no chance in disturbing his sleep. Anyways, Joseph had seen him from his balcony sitting on one of the lounge chairs doing something on his phone. His father was probably using his phone more in his time here than he ever had like ever.

Slipping on a pair of slippers once he reached the bottom of the stairs, Joseph glanced around to be sure he wouldn’t run into the three uninvited guests that he really wished would just go away before making his way to the backyard. “Hey.”

“Hi,” his father said, not quite showing his surprise as Joseph turned up at his shoulder. If it weren’t for the tiniest up-tone tilt in his voice, Joseph wouldn’t have known. Sons always knew their fathers. Especially when they used to be so close. “Can’t sleep?”

Not a chance. Welcome to the typical Kavinsky household. Joseph held up the trash bags in his good hand, “Can you help cover me so I can shower? Mayko is still sleeping and I don’t want to wake her.”

Taking the bags without a word as he stood, his father led him back in the house and up to Joseph’s room. Joseph took a seat on his bed and began to remove his shirt. He got stuck when it came to the right side and was about to tilt himself sideways to take his shirt off without lifting his arm but his father’s hands beat him to it. “Thanks,” Joseph murmured with a sigh as he stared down at his body.

For once in his life, he felt insecure about his looks. It was a sin against the Kavinsky name to look as bad as he did. At least before, he was kind of like…sexy lean. Lean sexy? Didn’t matter, but that was him. Now…he was like skeletal gross. He was too thin, even for his usual self.

Hugging him had to totally suck when this was all a person was hugging.

“You can’t have a full shower but I’ll help you bathe if you’d like,” his father said, his focus on cutting the bags to proper sizes for Joseph’s grafts. “You need a few more days with the dressings, then we can start airing out the full-thickness areas.” He held up a piece of bag, measuring with his eyes to see if it covered the largest patch on Joseph’s chest. “Then we start with your arm, little by little.”

Joseph wanted a full on warm water shower but he knew his body wasn’t ready for it. There was no point in rushing and screwing up the progress his burns were making. There had to be at least one spot in his life that he was making progress on and if it wasn’t social, familial, or even body-wise, the least he could do was keep his burns healthy and healing. “That’s fine.”

“You sure?” his father asked, setting the scissors and the bags in his lap where he sat atop Joseph’s low table. He tilted his head and Joseph watched as his eyes worked their way from his head to his toes, very very carefully. “I’m thinking pancakes for breakfast. What do you think?”

He wondered why his father had wanted to know if he was sure but he was too tired to track proper conversation topics. Or to even give his effort. “I’m not hungry.”

“Who eats pancakes because of hunger? It’s like dessert. All sweetness and gooeyness.”

It was a fair point. Joseph really wasn’t up for breakfast but maybe an indulgent ‘dessert’ was the way to go here. It’d at least get some food in his body and if he ate some fruit, hey, who would complain? “There’s this tiny ass café-ish place called Mabel’s Petunias.”

Resuming his sizing and cutting for the last few areas, his father snorted “Why petunias? Would I eat at a place that advertises petunias instead of food?” He nodded at Joseph’s burned leg, “You want to put some shorts on so I can see those?”

No, he kind of didn’t but if he wanted that sponge bath, then he needed to. Water on his skin would feel really nice right now. Henrietta made a person feel blah as it was, not adding on his own personal blahness at the moment. “Can you get me pancakes from Mabel’s?” he asked as he got to his feet and went over to his dresser, pulling out a pair of shorts that he didn’t mind getting wet or ruined. Or maybe he’d end up changing his mind on the way to the shower and just get washed in his underwear. “He makes banana pancakes with this strawberry syrup and it’s really good. I think I can eat if it’s his pancakes.”

It wasn’t like he and his father hadn’t changed in front of each other a million times before or, for that matter, that he hadn’t helped him in the hospital, but Joseph still appreciated the fact that his father made sure to look away. “Mabel is a dude?”

Walking back over, now in some shorts, and sitting back down, Joseph raised his leg up and rested his foot on his father’s knee. “Nah, he named it after his dead wife. And she loved petunias so much that they had like hundreds all over their house or whatever. He started it because he always wanted to cook.”

“So is he Kevin’s daisies then?” Joseph smiled, shaking his head as he watched his father begin wrapping and tapping his burns, beginning on his foot. “I’ll get you pancakes, no worries. Anything else?”

Joseph was totally actually kinda sorta craving mangoes. But it felt wrong because Finlay had gotten him mangoes and those had gone down the drain.

Because Joseph was an asshole.

“Do you think I’m a bad person?”

His father’s hands paused their work, the duct tape still in his grasp as he looked up at Joseph with a soft smile. “You’re asking me, a very bad person, to rate you? What do you think that answer is?”

Those eyes were always too hard to hold so Joseph dropped his gaze and stared down at his ugly hands. He didn’t even have nice hands; they were like freaking ET phone home shit. Long fingers were only nice if every joint didn’t stick out like a pig in bed with cows. “I don’t think I’m a nice person. I don’t know if that makes me a bad one though. I think you’re a nice person, more than me, but then…sometimes you are a bad person so…” he shrugged as he picked at his chipped nails, “I don’t know.”

It was all too confusing for him to process.

“Well,” his father said, resuming his work with quite the vigor, probably because he was worried Joseph wouldn’t eat the pancakes if he thought about it for too long, “I think that sometimes, we get a little…” his hands paused as he mulled over his word choice, some hair brushing into his eyes as he thought, “you and I, we can be assholes.”

A laugh bubbled from Joseph’s throat, making his father smile like he’d just won everything in the world. Literally, everything. “Yeah, I guess we can.”

Totally.

Getting to his feet with a small groan, his father began placing the plastic patches on the burns on Joseph’s abdomen. He worked meticulously as he continued “That’s part of our more not so nice side because sometimes, we’re defensive or, sometimes, we’re afraid we’re going to get hurt so we decide to hurt first. Like a defensive mechanism but a shoot first sort of thing. Get it?”

Oh, he got it alright. Kavinskys were very self-aware, it was just that they ignored it if they could. He tilted his body to the side as his father worked on his right side and murmured “I said some really bad things to Finlay.”

As Skov had repeatedly said in their years of knowing each other, ‘who the hell made fun of a guy in the system??’

You don’t fuck with that.

Joseph totally had. On purpose, because he was an asshole.

“You did.”

“Even the stuff he said back wasn’t as bad as what I said.”

“Also true.”

“Skov also told me I’m not healthy enough for a relationship.”

Carefully taping up Joseph singed but thankfully not really burned bad ear, his father replied “You mean Blake?”

He hadn’t been into the whole Aglionby last name thing but once he’d gotten stuck in it, he couldn’t get out of it. It was simpler to call Skov ‘Skov’ than ‘Blake.’ Less like…friendship for life sort of thing. As his father covered the few patches on his neck, Joseph sighed “Yeah, Blake. He’s like tetíncho, you know? Too smart and is always right and it annoys the hell out of you.”

Finishing his work all the way down to covering Joseph’s pressure-sleeve clad arm twice over to prevent any sort of water seeping through, his father took his seat back on the table, his eyes scanning over his work for any missed spots. “So what do you think?”

“About?”

Leaning back on his hands, he tilted his head to the side and kind of just shrugged. There was something about that shrug that annoyed him but he wasn’t too sure what it was exactly. “Are you healthy enough to be in a relationship?”

Joseph looked away and stared at his picture wall; years upon years of life plastered up in a three foot space. Years upon years of simpler times and family and friends. When life was easier and his dreaming was this kind of cool thing and he was confident in himself and he loved his father and his father loved him. When he wasn’t a junkie and smiling didn’t always have to be a lie.

When he’d been healthy enough for a relationship.

“No,” he whispered, his thoughts lost in his fourteen-year-old smile. Carefree even with a secret relationship because it hadn’t really mattered. He’d had it all during those months; the boyfriend, the family, the friends. “But…it’s nice when someone really likes you that much.”

“But it’s only fair to give that much like back, don’t you think?”

Laying down on his back in the noisiest crinkliest movement ever, Joseph sighed “That’s impossible for anyone because we can never just assume we know how much a person actually loves us. Like, let’s get real here; mayko can’t and probably will never love you the amount you love her. No way because you’re an obsessive freak who’ll forgive her for anything. She won’t do the same for you” Joseph tossed his hands in the air with frustration as his father laughed. “That doesn’t sound healthy to me so why am I the only one who’s unhealthy?”

“C’mon,” his father said, his voice suddenly in Joseph’s bathroom, “let me help you out so I can get you those pancakes. I need to get you to eat while we still have the chance.”

“I am still talking here,” Joseph snorted but he got anyways because he just really wanted that sponge bath. Water on skin would make him feel renewed and if he was feeling fresh then maybe he could take some time and get his thoughts in order because he really needed to put some time on that.

Really.

He’d fucked up three times now in his now non-existent relationship and yeah, Finlay had said some shit yesterday but he’d been the one to show up. That’d been Joseph’s job. Whether he liked it or not, even if there was to be no relationship between them, he owed Finlay an apology. If he called him up today and said he hated life, Finlay would bring his ass over and help him through his hating mood. As a friend, not a boyfriend, but that didn’t matter. He’d show up no matter the shit they had between them in their ‘personal’ lives.

All of his crew were ride or die for each other. Or so they liked to sound cool by saying. It was Joseph’s job as crew leader to make sure that he was as much for them as they were for him. They were all shitty assholes, maybe not entirely when it came to Skovron, but they had hearts and feelings and all that squishy stuff.

Finlay and Joseph lovey dovey shit was totally shat on right now but Kavinsky and Swan still had good shit between them and Joseph had to make sure that that shit still stood.

Now the true question was…how exactly was Joseph supposed to put aside his feelings and hurt for Finlay and just hang out with Swan? Feelings didn’t just turn off, bam, like that. How was he supposed to act like he totally wouldn’t kiss Swan if given the chance and the privacy?

Joseph had no idea. He liked Finlay, even if it wasn’t as much as Finlay liked him. There was no relationship now but Joseph still wanted one. But…he wasn’t healthy enough for one so…

“This all requires too much damn thinking,” he huffed in frustration, tossing his shorts off and on the floor to be put away before he sat down in the middle of his shower. Fuck the shorts. They weren’t that far off from his underwear anyways. Fuck this and fuck relationships too.

Fuck it all.

His father didn’t say a word and instead just pushed Joseph’s head down with a finger before grabbing the shower hose and turning on the water. “Who the fuck needs a relationship anyways?”

Chapter Text

He needed a relationship.

He wanted a relationship.

Fuck him, goddamn.

“Finish that last bite,” his mother said, her voice sounding all soft and nice but Joseph could hear the threat underneath. Eat or die was totally what she was going for. “It’s probably the sweetest thing I’ll allow you anyways.”

Probably. Stabbing his last bite of banana pancakes, Joseph shoved it in his mouth, his stomach quaking in protest when he swallowed. His stomach was mad at him but the rest of his body would thank him later for the sustenance. “Thanks for the food,” he murmured as he got to his feet, grabbing his dishes and dumping them in the sink. “It was yum.”

“You’re welcome,” she replied, watching him with a creepy trained eye. Andrey was also watching him but Andrey could never be creepy. He was too pure of a soul for proper creepiness. Even hate. Hell, even dislike. Who would’ve thought that Andrey would grow up better than him?

Yes, Joseph was a little annoyed. Andrey’s life was working out way better than his own. But then, Andrey had different parents and didn’t have the issues Joseph did. And if he really thought about it, he was sure that getting his girlfriend pregnant had been the scariest thing in his life, even if he was a happy dad now.

Pausing at the base of the stairs, Joseph huffed and turned to look back at the dining table where his family sat. They were all more or less done and quite creepily staring at him. “What?”

“Nothing,” Anka snorted, turning back to swirling around the little juice left in her cup. “Not everything is about you. Kavinsky.”

Whatever. He had enough headaches to last him eternities of headaches. Eyes flicking to Andrey who was watching back with a curious look, Joseph said “When you’re done, you’re…welcome to come upstairs.” Looking away because the way Andrey’s eyes just brightened bothered him, he added with a mutter “Or don’t. Or whatever. I don’t care.”

There. He’d done his part.

“Yeah?” Andrey called as Joseph began this dreaded trek. He was used to a house with stairs because he’d grown up in one but, damn, these stairs were long. Sure, the ones in Jersey were a little steeper but once you got going, you were already up. Here, they wanted you to walk all the way there as slowly as possible. “You sure?”

“Maybe. Beats me.”

How should he know?

Brushing his teeth before very very carefully tossing himself on his bed, Joseph sighed before getting back up. He needed to find his phone one of these days and today could be that day. Sure. There wasn’t anyone to talk to right now, especially if his crew was pissed with him. It couldn’t hurt to find it though. And to find out if they were or weren’t.

“Jesus,” Joseph snapped, nearly colliding with Andrey coming through the door. Andrey took two steps back, his hands up like he was in trouble. Which he could’ve totally been if Joseph was in the mood for it. “Breathe or something, man. You could give someone a heart attack.”

Andrey followed him like a lost puppy to his mother’s room and watched him open drawer after drawer of her dresser. “What are you looking for?”

“My phone.”

“Where’d you leave it?”

It had to a be a constant reminder to himself that Andrey was in fact smart. He was, he really was. Giving him a ‘God, give me patience’ look, Joseph snorted “I don’t know. I was busy trying to kill myself, dumbass.”

His cousin blushed and scratched behind his ear, turning his gaze away with a nervous little puff of a laugh. “Right. Yeah.”

Shaking his head with a snort of disdain, Joseph focused back on going through her drawers. He could just ask but that required walking downstairs and to be honest, his leg was tired from all his moving this early in the day. The sponge bath had been nice and refreshing but now he was just beat. “Does it suck being away from your baby?”

Dropping down onto the bed, Andrey replied “It sucks big time. It feels really weird. Especially because her crib’s in my room so like, I turn my head here to look over and instead I get nothing, you know?”

“Give or take Ivet, huh?” Andrey laughed but didn’t reply. Joseph moved over to his mother’s nightstand, digging through the drawers. “So when does the marriage part come in? You can’t knock her up and not marry her. That’s fucked up.”

“I need enough money to buy her a really nice ring.” He laid down and watched Joseph work with intelligent eyes. “I have a job, you know. I have to be able to adequately provide if I want us to have a life together.” Interlacing his hands on his stomach, he added, mostly to himself “I have to be very ‘adult.’ I can’t just expect that tatko is going to pay everything for me.”

Her nightstands were completely empty and he was getting really tired. His lack of sleep was killing him. Not to mention that all this moving was pushing his body too hard. Laying down on the floor where he sat, Joseph murmured “I think you seem to be doing pretty alright. Better than me at least. I can’t get past my teens not to manage adulting.” With a big sigh, he shut his eyes and listened to the soft hum running through his brain. He didn’t know if it was actually there or it was all in his head but the hum was nice. Like a soothing vibration. “I’m such a fucking mess.”

“Well, you’re not that bad.”

Joseph snorted loud enough for everyone downstairs to hear. “What kind of freaking little positive Nancy are you?”

“Positive Nancy isn’t a thing.” The bed creak as Andrey moved, the sudden darkness over Joseph making him open his eyes to a face examining him. “I know it sounds silly because of what you’re going through right now and, you know, what you’ve been through so far but you’re really doing alright. I swear.”

“Were you born stupid or are you just stupid?”

“I graduated from an honors high school, you know.”

He knew. He’d signed his name on the card his mother had sent with their gift for him. But just because he’d managed to be academically smart with a whole lot of hard work, that didn’t mean Andrey had reached other levels of intelligence. “Look at me. How in the hell am I doing good?”

“It could be worse.”

“Could it?”

“You could be dead.”

Joseph stared up at the asshole above him, eyes never looking so intelligent in his life. It wasn’t like he wanted Andrey to be an idiot but those intelligent eyes annoyed him. “I wanted to be.”

Resting his head to the side on the mattress, Andrey blinked down at him before murmuring “Did you really though? In that moment, you wanted to. Maybe even felt like you needed to but like here we are now. You and me after all these years. In this minute, right right now, do you want to be dead?”

Yes.

But also…

No.

Maybe.

He didn’t know.

“Do you want to die before you get to meet your niece? Or see baba again? Or your home? Jersey? What about Asen, maybe? My dad said he came here once but don’t you want to see him again? Ivet will kick your ass if you go and die before she gets to see you.”

Shutting his eyes once more, Joseph let out a heavy sigh as he rested his arms on his torso. Everything was so complicated for him. Why couldn’t he just have a little simple? Did he want to meet Josephine? Of course. Did he want to see everyone and Jersey? No shit. But he couldn’t seem to make it to that point from all the speedbumps on his track. He was stuck between this immeasurable space of die or don’t die and he had no idea what to do or how to handle it.

“And…you know,” Andrey added with a soft voice, the bed creaking with his movement, “don’t you want to see Emilio too?”

Of course he did. But what was he supposed to do exactly when it felt like everything was against him?

“I can never really understand what you’re going through but even if I can’t, I’m still here for you and will always try my best to understand you. We’re cousins, but we’ve always lived close enough to be something like brothers, don’t you think?”

Maybe.

Or maybe not.

What the fuck did he know?

A small puff of air escaped Andrey’s mouth as the bed creaked once more, before a sigh followed. “You’ve had it rough in ways that I can’t get but I want you to know that I’ll always try my best to get it. You know what I mean?”

It was the best anyone else was offering him. No one understood him and until Joseph understood himself, no one probably would. But what Andrey was offering…it wasn’t too bad. Could be worse, couldn’t it?

“I can tell you’re uncomfortable with all of us here but I hope it shows how much we care. Even if we’re a little annoying.”

His face couldn’t help but crack a smile, his heart doing stupid fluttering things that wouldn’t be halted in their tracks. Opening his eyes and carefully pulling himself up to bed height, Joseph set his chin on the mattress and watched Andrey’s chest rise and fall with a soft ease. His cousin’s eyes were closed with his hands on his chest but he must have felt the staring because he opened them and turned his head to watch Joseph right back. He smiled that funky smile people do for reassurance or whatever making Joseph laugh and roll his eyes.

Which only made Andrey’s eyes light up like the fucking sun.

“You shits are really annoying,” Joseph snorted, sliding down and resting his back on the side of the bed. “Emphasis on really.”

“Emphasis has been noted.”

“Anka’s attitude is shit.”

“She knows. We all know.”

“I don’t like it.”

“None of us do.”

Staring down at his bony ass fingers, Joseph sighed. He wondered how much finger tattoos would hurt with how little fat he had on them. His ribs had screamed bloody hell when he’d done his side tat but he was pretty sure his fingers would be even worse. The question became was the pain worth how much he wanted them?

He’d have to think about that one.

Wishing he had the ability to stretch as he pleased without the pain killing him, Joseph dragged himself onto his feet with a tired and pained huff. His grafts were feeling tight but he wasn’t sure if that was just because he was healing or because something was wrong. Nothing had looked bad when his father had checked them after the sponge bath.

“Can you go ask mayko where my phone is?” Joseph asked as he laid back onto the bed, his head brushing against Andrey’s side.

“You with buzzed hair is just weird.”

He would not laugh and encourage this idiot, even if he agreed with him. “Will you?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Andrey laughed as he rolled off the bed. “Gimme a minute.”

The minute became two then three and eventually, even if he wasn’t keeping proper track, ten. Maybe. It sure felt like it because the next time he opened his tired eyes, it was already closer to evening than noon.

Admittedly, the fact that he’d been able to fall asleep and even sleep that long was freakishly impressive.

His hand hit something hard beside him and picking it up revealed it to be his phone. Off, probably dead, but there it was. Whoever had brought it for him or maybe even whoever just came to check on him had taken the time to put Joseph all the way on the bed. They’d even covered him with a sheet. His head was comforted in his mother’s soft pillows as he stared at the dark screen of his phone before giving the power button a shot.

The brightness of the screen blinded him for a good moment as he waited for it to load up. It took a good few seconds like these dumbass things typically took but eventually, he made it to his home screen. Reflecting back at him was his own smiling face along with his mother’s. It was one of their nicer pictures before everything had gone to even more shit even though it’d already gone and they’d been in Henrietta for a few months at that point.

But things had still been kind of alright because he’d still had her.

Sighing as he unlocked his dying phone, Joseph stretched his legs back and forth to revive them from their slumber, clicking on the line of texts that had loaded up. They were all from his crew, mostly dating only from the fourth or fifth. Probably once they found out what had really happened, they figured there was no reason to message him.

As he thumbed through the messages and deleted as he went, a vibration rattled his hand, a message coming in as he sat. “The fuck?” Joseph murmured as he squinted at the message.

Omw

And then he squinted at its sender, groaning in disbelief. How in the fuck was he supposed to… “Jesus Christ,” Joseph sighed as he decided whether it was even worth answering Proko. He couldn’t deny him because that was fucked but like seriously? Sure, they seriously had to have at least a moderate talk and whatever but he was so not up for that. Especially not once he actually saw Prokopenko’s injuries. The guilt would eat him.

But then, he’d already killed the guy so… the least he could do was welcome him into his home. Plus, he was probably the only one that Joseph was on decent terms with right now anyways. Him and Skov were kind of eh because Skov was a little too ‘let’s talk feelings, Joseph’ for him.

“Fuck my life,” Joseph grumbled, dragging himself from his mother’s bed with a pained breath. Might as well make himself seemingly presentable.

How exciting.

At least he’d had the decency to let Joseph know that he was coming.

Chapter Text

“Why are you just sitting here?” Anka asked, sticking her head out the door for what was like the thousandth time in one second. She was totally invading Joseph’s privacy but then, it was just the porch so he wasn’t sure he could really call her out on it. “You’ve been out here for the past ten minutes.”

Joseph had decided that meeting Proko outside was the better plan than bringing him in and having another one of many fiascos his guests had had so far. After ten minutes of waiting on this stupid ass porch, he was coming to the conclusion that even if Proko did come, he was so getting thrown off the property. It did not take this fucking long to get here from Aglionby.

Christ, goddamn.

“I’m obviously sitting because I can.”

“Uhuh. Waiting for someone?”

As if he’d even tell her. He’d tell his tétka before he’d tell Anka because of her crappy attitude. Scratching his pressure sleeve as delicately as he could, Joseph stretched his legs out and stared out at the still empty street. If he was up to it, he’d beat the crap out of Proko for being so damn slow. Or late. Whatever this exactly was. They didn’t really have an appointment but it was all the same. Here Joseph was, still waiting for the ass to show.

He was sure that it was the guilt telling him to do so.

When he could still feel Anka standing behind him, Joseph turned and gave her an unimpressed look. He was unimpressed by her general attitude but now that he was looking, he was also unimpressed by that ugly ass shirt. “Did you lose your style sense somewhere?”

It was bold and bright with color blocks everywhere. Joseph wasn’t sure if it was a sweater or a shirt or maybe even a dress because he couldn’t tell if there was something underneath it. The shirt was almost a weird mix of fitted yet oversized as it draped to her knees.

The shirt was weird and he didn’t approve at all.

Anka took a second to glance down at herself, holding the sides of her shirt and stretching it as if to take a good look at it. There was a glimpse of black shorts underneath when she did. “What’s wrong with it?”

Turning back to look out at the still empty driveway and street, Joseph shrugged his shoulders and simply replied “Eh.”

“Is it ugly?”

“Maybe it’s just this shirt but you used to dress more like classy or some shit.”

Or some shit.

His cousin hummed softly, her presence still heavy behind him. Far off, Joseph heard another hum but rather, a mechanical one. A mechanical one that he knew. “Finally. Goddamn, Sasha.”

Plopping herself down beside him which earned her a look that wasn’t so dandy, Anka rested her arms on her knees and asked as Prokopenko pulled into the driveway “Who’s Sasha? That sounds like a girl.”

He wasn’t going to give her the win of his laughter; he was still pissed at her. Giving Prokopenko a wave as he got out of his tiny ass Golf, Joseph snorted to Anka “As you can see, he is very much a guy. Can’t even pass for a pretty one either.” This time he did laugh as he added “Or handsome.”

“Bitch, you calling me ugly?” Prokopenko said as he hobbled his way over, a plastic 31+ bag and a smiley mug of flowers in his hands. The boot on his foot was one of those black baby ones and Joseph felt relieved at seeing it. Ever since Proko had said he was coming, Joseph’s chest had been tight as hell. The guilt would eat him if Prokopenko had shown up on crutches or looked like complete shit.

Joseph had already killed him as it was.

“Are you supposed to sit outside ‘cause like the sun and shit?”

Splaying his hands out at the shade he’d made sure to be seated in, he got to his feet and reached for the bag first. Unless this dumbass had put something else in the bag, Joseph wanted the ice cream more than the flowers. He had enough flowers to last him a lifetime. “What flavor?” he asked as he peaked in and saw a custom filled pint. “Cookies and cream?”

“Mixed with chocolate mousse,” Prokopenko finished, nodding with surety before he bowed in greeting to Anka. “I got your back, man.”

“You’re Sasha?” Anka asked, her nose scrunching with her eyes confused as hell. “Not what I was expecting at all.”

Prokopenko straightened and tilted his head, examining Anka carefully. Half-baked Proko was kind of screwy in a lot of ways but he still had his brain in both intelligence and awareness. Nothing got passed him except his interest in love. “You should scrunch your nose a little less. It’s not as cute as you think it is.”

“Excuse me?”

Joseph decided that laughing would be too cruel, even if Anka deserved it. Plus, he had to eat some of this ice cream before his mother caught on to it. He wasn’t allowed this kind of sugar until his grafts were a part of him and healthy.

But he was totally going to sneak a few spoons. How could one not? It was 31+, goddamn.

“I’m just saying. It’s whatever, honestly.” Giving Joseph a soft tap on the shoulder, Prokopenko snorted “If I get in trouble for giving you ice cream, you better back me up.”

Already spooning some out with a finger and sucking it off, Joseph replied with wide eyes and a nod, “Scout’s honor. Best sugar I’ve had in weeks.” Joseph made a show of checking out Prokopenko’s fresh looking black boot. “Why’re you all fucked up?”

Being seemingly oblivious was the genius plan he’d thought of as he waited for Proko to finally turn up. It really was for the best.

“I don’t remember drinking much the day of the party,” Prokopenko began as he gently pushed Joseph inside the house, him and Anka following right behind, “but I guess I must’ve?”

The plan had been to keep Proko outside but it seemed someone was pushy today. It had to be the heat. “Oh?” He was busy scooping the life out of the ice cream with his finger before either of his parents caught him. It was the damn most delicious thing he’d had in so long. Being healthy, even when the food tasted good, sucked balls. “Did you bite it in your delirium?”

Oblivious. Totally oblivious.

“I drank and drove, man. Car crash because my dumb ass was being totally dumb.”

The whole world and their mothers knew that Prokopenko did not drink and drive. Never had and never would. Even in this second lifetime of his. Maybe he was a bit more of a yes man but his personality and attributes had stayed mostly the same.

Thank God for that, of course.

“Complete dumbass,” Joseph agreed with emphatic nods as he shoveled more ice cream into his mouth. “I expect better of you, Sasha.”

Prokopenko just shrugged as he walked to the kitchen island and set his little mug of flowers down. “Yeah, honestly, me too.” Dragging out a stool and plopping down, he added “I am ashamed, papa.”

Jiang had gotten everyone in the crew into calling him papa for a few months after their Christmas party and he had no idea how or why it had happened. It was both funny and disturbing in ways Joseph just didn’t understand. “You should be, little kitten,” Joseph laughed as he went into the kitchen and shoved his ice cream in the freezer. He’d just make himself sick if he kept on going. “You should be.”

“I am. The thing is,” Prokopenko paused, his mouth twisting upwards, making his nose twist with it, “I really don’t remember drinking? Like at all.”

Anka slid into the stool beside Proko as if she was meant to be there and not totally intruding on other people’s conversations. “Well, if you drove, maybe you just blacked out.”

God bless her black soul because that was exactly what he needed Proko to believe for like ever. “Possible,” Joseph agreed, nodding and nodding because this had to become the truth. He felt bad for conning Prokopenko but he sure as hell didn’t feel that bad. No truth could be found today. “It was a party, you know.”

“Jiang says it was your crazy suicide boat.”

“He told me train.”

“He says if you want to die that bad, do it on your own time.”

“Yeah, I heard.”

Proko shrugged, “It’s whatever. I know your head gets screwy. Accidents happen.”

Man, that made it all sound so simple. Joseph wished for simple on the daily. That was what he always liked about Prokopenko; his honesty, his simplicity, and just himself. He was good people, even when he was just a half-baked forgery. “I guess,” he settled for with a sigh, resting his chin in his palm as he leaned across from Prokopenko and Anka. Twisting his mouth in thought, Joseph murmured “You seen Swan recently?”

“Yesterday.”

“Ah.”

His buddy gave another shrug with those loopy shoulders. He traced the smile on the flower mug before meeting Joseph’s eyes with his steady gaze, “I heard something about a fight.”

“Not about a failed relationship.”

“They go hand in hand, don’t they?”

Joseph and his sexuality had been figured out by Prokopenko a long time ago. Before he had even died. It was refreshing to not have to have a million questions and just talk like this whole gay thing was totally fine. “Who knows?” Scratching along his jaw with his good hand, Joseph dragged over his little flower mug and played with the flowers as he added “I’m told I’m not in the proper mindset for a relationship.”

Being told so many times was starting to really get on his nerves, to be honest.

Prokopenko nodded slowly, his eye contact not breaking once. Anka was sitting so quiet that Joseph was sure that she was afraid he’d start yelling at her if she spoke. Which, he probably would. She should be thankful that she was still sitting. “What do you think?”

He hated everyone and their mothers when they kept flipping this stupid question on him. It wasn’t like he didn’t know the answer but he was sick of having to say it. “I already know I’m not.”

“According to our little pup, you said some shit that shouldn’t have been said.”

Skov was lucky he looked so damn innocent and sad that even Joseph couldn’t bring himself to beat the crap out of him. Drumming his fingers on the marble top of the island, he looked away from that damn steady gaze and said softly “I did. But he did too.”

“Look,” Prokopenko sighed before he stretched his arms up with a satisfied grunt. His shoulders popped audibly. “Relationships are a funny thing and they’re a sweet thing but they’re also dangerous. They’re delicate. You have to trust and love someone but not to the point where they start to take advantage. Not to the point where it doesn’t matter what shit they do, you forgive them.”

Joseph was a forgiver, even when he held nasty grudges. Hence his father’s presence in the house. Joseph forgave but he didn’t forget. Wasn’t that the proper balance? Didn’t that make him the bigger person?

Or did it make him the fool?

“I know Swan, so I know he’s not the kind who’s going to try and walk all over you or whatever and I know you and I know you’re not the type to do that either. But you two both have a very specific problem.”

Counseling session, here he was. If it was anyone else but Proko, Joseph would have shut down the conversation a while back. Especially if it’d been Skov because Joseph had reached his limit of the little blonde’s constant preaching. But there was something in Prokopenko that always made his advice the best. “So what’s that?”

“Blatant stubbornness.” Joseph burst into a laugh which shocked both himself and Anka. His chest too. His chest was yelling at him with fiery pain asking him who the fuck did he think he was to just throw in an unexpected laugh? “You guys are both way too hardheaded to give any ground to each other.”

Resting his elbows on the island, one more delicately than the other, Joseph covered his face with his hands, a smile playing from ear to ear. Okay, so maybe, yes, he and Swan had some…issues with being stubborn but like, was that really why it wasn’t working right? “It’s as simple as that?”

“Oh, definitely not.” Joseph’s smile grew even wider behind his hands as Proko continued like he’d been thinking on this for a very long time. “But it definitely plays a huge part. It makes way for the tiny problems.”

Uncovering his face and giving his buddy a considering look, Joseph asked “So what does the wise therapist suggest?”

Prokopenko nodded his head slowly, as if in thought. He had black circles under his eyes but nothing like what Joseph had seen many times on his own face. There was a yellow bruise that was almost healed sitting just above his eyebrow that moved up and down with Proko’s thinking forehead. “Well, I think a lot of talking comes first.”

Of course.

“I know that’s not something you’re fond of but…” Prokopenko shrugged, palms up like ‘what else can we do??’ “It’s gotta get done, man. Its got to or else there’s nothing left and that would be that. You guys can stay buddies but I don’t think you can’t get any further than that without a good old fashioned chat by the fireside, you know?”

Chatting by the fireside sounded horrible for two reasons, one being Henrietta heat. “I know but every time I open my mouth, it doesn’t go to plan and then we just end up pissing each other off.”

Anka’s eyes were darting from him to Prokopenko, watching carefully and very very quietly. He liked the caution written all over because that meant she knew she was only sitting here by his good graces. They both waited patiently for Prokopenko to speak as Walnut loped her way over to Joseph, her tail and head high with happiness. She rubbed her big head against him before pushing him towards the cabinet where she knew her food was hiding.

“I think,” Prokopenko began slowly, his eyes lost in focus though it looked like he was actually watching Joseph feed Walnut with a critical eye. “That you should sit and write down everything you like about Swan.”

“Sounds cheesy as fuck.”

“It’s for you, not for him,” he explained with a patient sigh as he flattened himself into a tired heap on the island countertop. “A reminder kind of thing.”

Tossing the now empty can of food in the trash, Joseph snorted with an ounce of pain “Sounds stupid.”

“You want my help or not.”

He in fact did. The sadder part was that he didn’t just want it, but Joseph definitely needed it. Joseph wasn’t immune to wanting to be loved and shit. A relationship was fun and nice and all that sparkly shit that people said it was.

When you, obviously, actually had a properly functioning one.

Prokopenko had been in a relationship or two in his life and he seemed to be smarter about these things than him so…what was the worst that could happen? At least he didn’t sound like a preacher like Skov.

“Alright,” Joseph sighed, admitting defeat to the tiny part of him that refused to be mean like the rest of him. “Help a guy out.”

Chapter Text

Joseph had a problem. Joseph, in fact, almost always had some sort of problem, it would seem. This current problem was the simple matter of what exactly was it that he liked about Swan? Yes, he was handsome and, okay, Joseph really liked the way he kissed and, yeah, he always looked fine as hell.

But what was it that he really actually liked about him?

He had no idea. Joseph could barely label his feelings as it was not to have to label his feelings for Swan.

With a tired sigh as he dragged himself to his feet off the cushion he sat upon in front of his coffee table, Joseph trudged over to his mother’s bedroom, relief lightening his chest at finding her alone on her bed. “Hey, mayko?”

She was scrolling through her phone, sparing him a quick glance and a smile. “Yes, baby?”

Finishing the distance to her, he ever so carefully rolled himself beside her and set his blank paper and pen on his concave chest. “What do you like about tatko?”

His question was enough to get her full attention as she stared down at him, brow raised so high it challenged the moon. “What do I like about him?”

Prokopenko had spent the better of an hour explaining to Joseph that he wasn’t really seeing Swan as a boyfriend and more just like a friend. With very minor benefits.

“You gotta see more Finlay and less of the asshole Swan, you know?”

One way to accomplish this was to apparently write everything he liked about ‘Finlay.’ It seemed like a pretty decent plan until Proko had left and Joseph was left with trying to think about what he could possibly write. Finlay was safe but why? He wanted Finlay but why did he want him? When Joseph had been with Emilio, the answers had been clear and simple. He would’ve been able to write twenty pages.

So why was this time so much harder? Was it him? “I’m supposed to write the things I like about Finlay.” He tossed his hand up in frustration. “I don’t know what I like so I figure if I can see what it is you like so much about your bastard, then I’d have ideas on why I like mine.”

“Uhuh.”

“Yes, ma’am. So please, help a bro out.”

She laughed as she set her phone aside and lay down next to him. His mother gave a good long stretch before she answered “Well, I guess me pointing out how handsome he is is useless, huh?”

“Please try to at least be a little serious.”

This was in fact a very serious matter, thank you.

A small smile tilted her mouth up, her fingers tapping a beat on her stomach. “I like the attention he gives me. I like that he always tries to make me feel special. He loves to make me smile and hear me laugh so he tries hard to do that.”

So far, all good winning points. Joseph was sure he could take at least the first two for Finlay. He honestly wasn’t too sure about the whole laughing thing. Did Finlay like to hear him laugh? Was his smile special to him?

“I know I laugh at him about it but I do love his immaturity sometimes.” Joseph gave an amused snort to which she laughed. “I do! I mean, we’re obviously closer to middle age than the beginning of adulthood but I like that he’s still childish. He’s funny. He does silly things that you wouldn’t expect and that just…I don’t know, it makes me happy.” His mother turned her head, meeting his eyes. The softness he found in hers never ceased to amaze him. Joseph could only hope that he’d have someone who could think about him and still be so in love after so many years and trials. “He’s a silly man despite everything he’s been through. He could’ve easily ended up so bitter after all this time and yet yesterday, he was dying to tell me about a new game that’s coming out soon.”

This time, Joseph really did laugh, far louder and full of joy than any snort could ever carry. He’d spent his childhood laughing at his father for being immature but Joseph wouldn’t have guessed that it was something that his mother loved so much. Something so simple and ridiculous.

Kind of like Finlay’s obsession with plants.

It’d only been a few months since they’d met but by then, Joseph, hell, the entire crew, knew how much Finlay loved plants. And maybe it only took this moment to realize it, but Joseph enjoyed watching Finlay care for his window plants. Each one had a name and was spoken to three times a day. Joseph would always laugh at him about it. What if he’d been laughing because it amused him so much? And now that he was really thinking about it, he’d always be disappointed when he’d show to Finlay’s room and he’d missed one of the speeches of the day.

Another for his list then.

“How many times do I have to tell you that it’s the little things that make love, sweetheart? Sure, I love when he buys me things or whatever but it’s not about that. It’s about what makes him want to get me those things. It’s his love that makes those things special.”

Finlay had told him that he loved him. Joseph didn’t really know if it was love but he knew there were feelings. He knew that. “Finlay loves to take care of plants.”

She turned on her side, tucking her hands under the pillow. “Why do you think?”

“Because he likes to take care of things. Watch them grow and stuff.” Joseph paused as he stared up at the ceiling; it was such a simple silly thing and yet… “I think that’s one of the things I like about him.”

“Why?”

Why. Why? “I guess…” Joseph mulled his brain over to all his memories of watching Finlay with not only his plants but any plant that the other boy had thought needed some attention. Running his bottom lip between his teeth, he finally murmured “It’s just…it’s just nice watching him. I like to see him watering and talking to them.”

He found peace in Finlay’s peace.

“Kind of like when you just sit and watch tatko when he does something. Like when he’s working on his cars or even paperwork.” He met his mother’s beautiful eyes, her face relaxed as she watched him. If he wasn’t her son, he’d never know that the gears of her brain were spinning faster than any machine ever could. “It’s relaxing. Peaceful.”

Finlay calmed his racing mind down, just by being himself.

“Kinda makes the world slow down, huh?”

It did.

“Only someone who is very special can make your mind slow like that, baby. Only someone who lives here,” she tapped her head before closing the short distance and tapping his heart, “and here can ever slow you down like that. People can laugh at love all they like but it’s a powerful thing.”

His mother could slow him down. His father, at better times, could. Emilio always knew how and even the rest of his family weren’t too bad at it. They were special in mind and heart. So was Finlay, in his own way. Joseph didn’t love him but he was important. He was a piece of the puzzle that was the very jumbled Joseph Kavinsky. All of his friends were. Finlay, maybe, just a bit more than them.

“I like…I like that I know I can trust him. For anything.”

“That’s a powerful thing. Trust and love.” Joseph nodded. He wasn’t sure about the love but there was definitely trust. His mother brushed a hair out of her face that had taken on a much more mischievous look. “Trust for something like…a kidnapping?”

Joseph blinked. Then he blinked again. Usually a look like that meant she was going to tease him but that sure as hell wasn’t what had come out of her mouth. “A kidnapping?”

“Oh don’t you play dumb with me, young man.”

She’d young manned him. When was the last time she’d ever done that? “I have no clue-”

“Lynch’s brother?”

Okay, he totally had a clue. Joseph just hadn’t known that she’d had a clue. Granted, he’d asked her about kidnapping or whatever but she’d been high as hell. Or maybe…he had. Honestly, he really didn’t know or remember. Or for all he knew, Swan had opened his big mouth. However she’d come to know, she now knew.

Problem? Joseph wasn’t sure yet.

He cleared his throat as her challenging eyebrows went up, “I don’t know this Lynch you speak of, madam.”

Booping him on the nose as if he were Peanut, she snorted “Don’t you try ignorance with me, little thing.”

Little- “Excuse me?”

His mother booped him again and Joseph was seriously considering biting her finger off. “Listen here, my sweet child, you were raised in a mob family but you are not a mob boy. I don’t care if you fancy yourself as one but you’re not. You’re our veterinary engineering nerd, got it?”

“Mayko-”

“I’m not done, hush up.” Eyes glittering with her need to discipline which only made him stifle a smile, his mother said “I, and your tétka for that matter, are mob girls because we had a single father who needed to raise his daughters and work at the same time. Your bashtá is a mob boy because that’s how he grew up.”

Joseph was feeling judged and he wasn’t even sure why. Plus, he’d grown up in a mob house too. What was the difference? “Isn’t that how I grew up? Mob boss papa? Grandpa?”

She waved him off with a dismissing hand. “No. You are the son of a Dobreva and of a Kavinsky but you are the son of the girl who wanted to be an archeologist and of the boy who wanted to build cars. You are not Lord Kavinsky’s son. You are Ivo’s. That is how we raised you because we want better things for you.”

Over his childhood, Joseph had heard minor versions of this whole speech so he was used to it at this point. He’d never been discounted as a mob boy but apparently now he was. “So…?”

His mother sat up and gave him a very disproving look. Mouth curled to the side, she snorted “I will ground you for life if you ever do something stupid like that again. What do you fancy yourself exactly? Ivo Kavinsky? Because you sure as hell aren’t nor do we want you to be.”

Ivo Kavinsky would’ve probably done a much nicer job of it all than Joseph had. “I’m eighteen, you can’t ground me.”

“Oh, honey, that don’t mean shit.”

Sitting up, Joseph snorted indignantly with crossed arms “I’m an adult.”

With her nose scrunching up and a tiny smile on her glowing face, his mother grabbed his chin and whispered “Are you sure, Mr. Pouty?”

“Ha. Ha. Ha,” Joseph muttered, pushing her hand off and trying to fix his very visible pout. She just laughed at him, clapping her hands in delight like she’d just won the greatest battle on the planet. When she reached in to boop his nose once more, Joseph bothered to try and bite her finger. Not that it mattered because she just caught him with the other hand. “Stop.”

Grabbing his nose by the tip, she laughed “But it’s fun!”

Joseph pushed her hand off his poor nose and grabbed his blank paper, taking a second to locate his wayward pen. “Thanks or whatever.”

“Aw, don’t get pouty, sweetheart. It’s fun poking your nose.”

If he wanted to get pouty, he totally could. Joseph wasn’t pouty, he was just leaving. There was a difference. He and his nose had a little dignity, thank you. “Bye, old lady.”

While his time spent had costed him his nose’s pride, Joseph was pretty sure he had at least a few things to write about Swan. About Finlay. Plants, trust, affection, and attention. All good starting points. If he could just add a few more, it’d be perfect. Then he would be on his way to maybe getting himself to an appropriate relationship mindset.

Or something.

He’d trust Proko’s method. It had to have some merit to it.

Pausing as he made it back to his table, Joseph set his paper and pen down before backtracking to his mother who was back on her phone. It was almost August and they had to seriously figure out a big important thing.

School.

“Welcome back, my little pouty boy,” his mother laughed, her hair tumbling down her back. She always liked longer hair but he didn’t think he’d ever seen it this long. “How can I help you?”

“I am not a little pouty boy, thank you,” Joseph snorted, his eyes rolling so far back that it hurt. Little, his bony ass. “I’m taller than you.”

“Ah, but you are still my little boy so that is irrelevant.”

Joseph didn’t bother amusing her and instead settled into what was supposed to be a comfortable leaning position against the door frame. It was far from that but he’d already planted himself. “I’m doing homeschool this year.”

The amusement that had brightened her eyes and smile fell as she sighed and scratched at her loose hair. Patting the spot beside her that he had vacated only moments ago, she said softly “Come ‘re you.”

He didn’t like the exhaustion he’d put on her face in a matter of seconds.

Chapter Text

It was a struggle on account of him being one armed for something like this but eventually, Joseph managed to use the little staircase/ladder thing he’d built so long ago to drag himself up onto his roof. The night air wasn’t crisp nor refreshing because it was the middle of fuckass summer and Henrietta was a very special breed of summer. But it was air and it was space away from everyone and that house that wasn’t a home.

“Should’ve brought a pillow or something,” Joseph muttered as he carefully stretched his legs out. He was facing his backyard, the tall trees obscuring everything but the night sky. The stars were alight, out and about in their starry joy.

“What do you think about going back to Jersey?”

What did he think? It’d never even occurred to him that it was an option. In his mind, his family came, saw him, and then everyone left. That was it. Story over.

But to go back? Joseph wasn’t so sure what it was he thought about it. He’d figured his options were Aglionby, Mountain View, and homeschooling. That was it. The last thing he would’ve thought of was going back to New Jersey and going to the high school that he should have. His high school. With Emilio like they had planned. At this point though, there was no Emilio there. He’d graduated and was starting college in probably a few weeks. Joseph was a grade behind where he should be but then, without it, he wouldn’t have his crew, would he?

“Jersey,” he said softly, rolling the word around in his mouth. “Jersey.”

Home.

What was the right answer in this situation? Did one even exist? Joseph wanted to go home and he knew that his mother wanted to too. He wanted to see his house, his streets, his family, and the few friends he had. There was his library that he’d gone to since he was little and the park by the Hudson. There were little shops, bakeries, and bodegas. Mom and pop stores where he had known the owners and they knew him.

The list could go on for miles and never end.

Didn’t Henrietta have its own charms though? Granted, Joseph hated this place and almost all the people in it but it’d been home for the past few years. It was where he’d met Liam, no matter their fallout, and Blue, no matter her bitchery. He’d gotten stronger with his dreams here. Joseph had his own dreaming field and fairgrounds and dragstrip. There was Drake, the only male tattoo artist that Joseph would ever trust. Gwen and Tog man. His entire crew was here and it didn’t matter that they spent most of the time driving each other insane.

A crew stuck together no matter what.

Walnut was from the supermarket a few roads down and Peanut was buried in the backyard. How could he just leave her? But then, he’d left Waddle, hadn’t he? And what about the shops here that he frequented? Good Burger. 31+. The Walmart that he knew like the back of his hand.

The utter magic in the air.

Hadn’t Henrietta become a home too in its own way? Joseph wasn’t a fan but then…there were memories here. They were both good and bad but they were here, just like they were in Jersey.

“What do you want to do, Joseph?”

What did he want to do?

Sighing as he stared up at the waxing moon, Joseph wondered why everything had to be so complicated when it came to him. Sure, everyone had their own issues but, goddamn, did Joseph’s never end. If he decided to go back, what would become of him and Finlay? Maybe Finlay didn’t believe in long distance. Maybe Finlay was already over him.

Maybe Joseph really needed to talk to him.

After an hour of staring up at stars that were having more fun than him, Joseph dragged his tired and sore body back down and into the house. He still had no concrete answers for the big choices but he did know one thing.

Making his way quietly through the upstairs hall and into his room, Joseph grabbed his phone and wallet before picking up the envelope he’d left on his table. He grabbed his black sweater despite the sticky heat he was about to endure and pulled the hood atop the hat he set on his head. Before he could change his mind, Joseph was rushing as quietly as could be down the stairs and out of the house, snagging his mother’s keys on the way out.

It took only three minutes to make it to Aglionby at two in the morning but Joseph had spent the last twenty in the car.

He couldn’t bring himself to get out.

Joseph’s lip was a swollen bruised mess at this point, minutes upon minutes spent on biting the hell out of it from his nerves. “I can do this,” he whispered to the Audi’s humming air condition, “I can do this.”

There was no shame in coming here. He didn’t care for whatever pity or falsities might be in someone’s eyes if they saw him. But he couldn’t help that he was afraid that he would be seen. His heart was pounding at his chest, asking his rib cage to open the door and let it out and pretty soon, it wouldn’t be asking so nicely. It’d force his brain to get involved. It’d force his gut and take him on the path of a panic attack.

A heart could be a nasty little bastard.

Before he could lose what little nerve he had left after all this wasting of time, Joseph shut off the car and got out, locking it with the soft ping of the alarm. Aglionby was just a few buildings full of boys. What was there to be afraid of? Joseph was tougher than that. Hell, he’d been kidnapped twice in his life. He could totally face immature boys.

“Totally,” he muttered, dragging himself and his pocketed envelope towards the door of the second dorm building. He always wondered why they hadn’t just built one huge building instead of multiple smaller ones but he didn’t care enough to really investigate. Joseph was sure that there were very few people who actually gave a rat’s ass about Aglionby.

The air condition was a welcome feeling once he made it inside, even if his walk hadn’t been that long. Henrietta’s sticky humidity could kill a man where he stood. He tapped the ‘up’ button for the elevator a few times, impatient and wary. Stairs would be far more ideal but the thought of dragging himself up the dorm’s steep stairs was more horrifying than sharing an elevator with someone.

Eventually, he reached the door he wanted. He gave it a light tap as he glanced around the hall, praying as hard as John probably did every day that no one would come out. When no one answered, he gave a stronger tap which was answered by a bleary-eyed John in striped pajamas. “Yes?”

“Mind if I come in?”

It took a good second of rubbing his eyes before a smile grew on John’s face. John was in no way a bad guy or even that annoying. He was polite and kind and more understanding than any other person who attended this shit school.

He was a good pure soul and Joseph liked that about him. What you saw was what you got.

“Joseph?” John said in surprise, his tone oozing happy pleasure as if his toothy smile wasn’t conveying it enough. “I don’t know if Finlay told you but I prayed for you every day while you were in the hospital.”

Good pure soul. “Thank you,” Joseph replied softly, praying and praying that no one would hear voices and stick their heads out. “I actually really appreciate that. Do you mind if I come in?”

“Who you talking to?”

He tried his best to ignore the little jitter that hit his already pounding heart at hearing Swan’s voice. Peering around John into the darkness of the rom, Joseph focused his gaze on where he knew Swan’s bed was. “Can I come in?”

It was almost comical how fast the sheet flew up, Swan suddenly beside John as if he’d never been asleep. Sleep was still blurring his eyes but he still looked like a ray of sunshine, mostly because of the yellow shorts and tank. “Kavinsky? What the hell-” Rubbing his head before nodding, Swan gave John a little tap, “Can you give us a few?”

Joseph felt bad about dragging poor John out in the middle of the night but the other boy didn’t seem to mind in the least. He simply nodded his head and smiled at Joseph, “I’m very happy to see you.”

Barely able to call out a ‘thank you’ before John disappeared down the hall, Joseph was dragged into the room, the door closing like a death sentence. “What the hell are you doing here?” Swan asked as he practically slammed the light switch on. Even though Joseph wasn’t the one who’d been in the dark, he was pretty sure he was the one who was just blinded. “Is everything okay?”

There’d never been a time when things were okay but that was hardly the focus of the current conversation. Joseph held out the envelope, “Here.”

Swan glanced down at the white sheath that Joseph had put two papers in. His hand went out hesitantly but stopped right before he actually touched the envelope. “What is this.”

“Just take it,” Joseph sighed, pushing the envelope into the waiting hand. “It’s for you.”

The waiting hand did not close around it, “Man, I have freaking PTSD from your envelopes.”

Ah. Yes. Sighing as he went over and sat on the edge of John’s slept in bed, Joseph murmured “Did you ever open that?”

“Hell no. It’s still in my center console.”

“Good, give it back.”

“That’s mine.”

Joseph gave Swan a nasty glare and held out the envelope. “Switch it with this. Those were words for dying not for living. They’re not for you to read anymore.”

Giving him a skeptical look with a powerful eyebrow, Swan reached out and held the envelope. He didn’t pull it from Joseph’s grasp, simply held onto it. “And this one is?” Joseph nodded, watching Swan carefully. If he rejected him in this moment, if he wouldn’t even take a peek at the papers, Joseph wasn’t so sure he could handle it. “Like right now?”

Nodding with all his might, Joseph felt the tightness in his chest loosen as Swan took the envelope and opened it. “White paper first.”

“You always make it complicated, don’t you?” Swan laughed as he pulled out the white sheet of paper. Unfolding it, he began out loud “Reasons I like Finlay Swan.” He stopped there and glanced down at Joseph, his face confused as hell. “Reasons I like Finlay Swan?”

The list had originally been for Joseph to figure out his feelings but he’d thought that maybe it would work both ways. If he was having trouble formulating his thoughts and feelings and speaking them aloud as he should, maybe writing them and giving them to be read was better. “Read it.”

With a big sigh as he backed up and sat on John’s desk chair, Finlay returned to his reading but didn’t bother to continue it aloud. It was fine because Joseph obviously knew what was written but hearing Finlay say it would have been better because he would’ve been able to decipher his tone. When he must have finished, he didn’t bother to glance up, and asked “Should I read the yellow one now?”

He wasn’t exactly sure how he expected this to go but he thought that at the very least, Swan would have wanted to talk about what he’d just read. Picking at his nails, Joseph asked in a voice that didn’t even sound like his own “You…you don’t want to talk about it?”

Swan’s eyes still didn’t meet his. “Do you want to?”

Didn’t he? Wasn’t that why he’d brought it for Swan to read? Joseph’s words were screwy and were mean when he opened his stupid big mouth, that was why he’d wanted Swan to read. But maybe he still had gotten this all wrong? “Did you not want to?”

“I guess that’s fine,” Swan murmured, glancing back down at the sheet. “If you want.”

He sounded so reluctant. Joseph hated it.

“What’s ‘peace in his peace?’”

Losing whatever courage he’d made it here with, Joseph hung his head and stared down at his now bleeding fingers. He’d never been much of a skin picker but when his lip was already bruised and bleeding, another avenue had to be found. “You don’t have to read if you don’t want to.”

Silence followed his words before there was a shuffle of paper and the creak of John’s chair. If anyone had made it creak, it was the crew, not John. “Why’d you come?”

Why did he come? Did he come hoping for some type of reconciliation? Did he think his stupid papers were magically going to fix his problems? Joseph liked to write letters; they only allowed for honesty and feelings. They helped him say words and feelings that he otherwise had trouble getting out. “Do…should I leave?”

“It’s two in the morning and you show up out of nowhere, asking me to read some papers.” Joseph didn’t bother to look up at Swan nor did he need to. He knew the face that came with the particular sigh that was let out. “I mean, I told you I’m here for you, as a friend, but you come knocking and all I think is that something happened. Not that you’re giving me my nightly reading material. You braved Aglionby to give me an envelope?”

Joseph had braved Aglionby for Finlay. He’d braved Aglionby for his feelings.

He’d braved Aglionby to see if he should stay or leave.

Getting to his feet and brushing off the invisible dust on his soccer pants, Joseph didn’t meet Finlay’s eyes as he stood, stuffing his hands in his pockets. He was tired, drained both physically and mentally, and all he wanted to do was go home and try to sleep. Even if all he caught was an hour. “I just wanted you to have those. Read ‘em, don’t read them, burn them, throw them, whatever you want,” Joseph said softly, his voice practically a whisper. “I’m going back to Jersey in a couple weeks so I just thought you might want them.”

A tint of actual emotion finally caught in Swan’s voice as Joseph walked to the door. “Wait, you’re what?” Joseph didn’t bother to repeat himself and instead opened the door and walked out, practically closing it on Swan’s hand. “Joseph!”

Swan didn’t follow and like with everything else in his life, Joseph didn’t know if he was happy about it or not.

Chapter Text

The minute Joseph had made up his mind, he’d started packing.

After his hour of sleep, of course.

It was the first time after deciding to kill himself that he’d been able to make such a definitive decision that he wasn’t going to waste his chance and let himself overthink all over again. Knowing him, he’d keep thinking it over until he ruined it for himself. Time would only tell if he was making the right choice but as of now, it sure felt like it was.

Writing ‘books’ in big ugly letters with a Sharpie on the box he just finished filling, Joseph pulled over another box and unfolded it, taping the bottom together to start filling it. He’d need at least four or five boxes just for his books alone. A box for his model cars. He’d need to wrap them first so they wouldn’t get damaged, even if it was just a small scratch.

Joseph glanced around the rest of his room that had housed him for the last few years. It was going to take a whole lot of boxes to package this place up. His chest tightened from the thought but he knew he shouldn’t hold himself back. Maybe Jersey really was the answer. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Maybe.

Sighing as he glanced at his phone that had ceased to vibrate for more than a few minutes, Joseph grabbed it off his table and stared at the message notification that was probably angry with him. He held the power button and turned off his phone without a second thought. He couldn’t process Swan’s messages right not. Especially not right now.

It wasn’t that anything in particular was Swan’s fault because it wasn’t. Sure, their interaction hadn’t gone the way Joseph had expected it to but how could he blame Swan for that? How else was a guy supposed to react when your ex showed up in the middle of the night, shoving an envelope in your hand? An ex that he’d had a nasty fight with. Joseph wasn’t mad at Swan; he wasn’t anything at him. There were no hard feelings on this end. Sure, his heart hurt a bit but considering their rocky relationship, that was normal. Going home was his choice to make and right now, it seemed like a good one.

He was willing to take a bet on it.

A soft knock sounded at his door and Joseph immediately knew who it was. There was only one other insomniac that was as bad he was. “Come in.”

Keeping his focus on packing his books with care, Joseph didn’t look behind him as his father came in. His quiet steps brought him over to the bean bag chair which gave a little whoof as his father sat down. “What are you up to?”

“Not sleeping.”

“Good answer,” his father snorted, the bean bag letting out a breath every time he moved even just an inch. “So what are you doing as you don’t sleep?”

Joseph had wanted to tell his mother first on his plans but he hadn’t wanted to wake her just for this. Placing with care the last book he could fit in the box, Joseph murmured “Packing my stuff.”

He knew his father hated short answers but Joseph really wasn’t in the mood for much talking and he knew his father was smart enough to figure the difference between reluctance and rudeness. “Going somewhere?”

Labeling this box and putting beside its brother, Joseph sighed and finally turned to meet the burning gaze behind him. He met it only briefly before he couldn’t anymore. Staring down at his crusted fingertips, he scratched at the scabs that were forming around his nails and shrugged. “Jersey, I guess.” He shrugged again, “I have to figure out something before school starts.”

“It’s pretty abrupt to come up with the idea in the middle of the night, don’t you think?”

Abrupt? Not really. Or maybe. He didn’t really know. Much like with everything else in his life, he just didn’t know. It wasn’t a simple matter of a change of scenery but something had to be done. If Joseph just kept…wallowing like this, he was sure another fight with his death demons would be on the horizon. He needed purpose. He needed to be busy and have goals or something. Right now, the goal was to pack. Then he moved to goal two and three and maybe four. If he kept his head on, maybe he’d manage the next few months without worry.

Or at least, that was the plan.

“So where’d you go an hour ago?”

Leave it to the insomniac to notice his absence. For all Joseph knew, the man had seen him leave from wherever he’d been sitting. Probably the living room. Joseph hadn’t even bother to look, he’d just gone. He forgot that he should’ve thought of the other Kavinsky in this place. “Out.”

“Out where? It’s the middle of the night.”

Ripping open another scab, Joseph felt his throat grow tight and his jaw trying its hardest to grind. “I don’t see how that’s your business.”

Shot one, fired.

Did he really think that just because he was staying here, he had a say?

Joseph wasn’t looking at his father but he didn’t need to. He knew exactly what type of look he’d be wearing. “You left the house at two in the morning. Of course it’s-”

“Why?”

“Excuse me?”

Lifting his head while not bothering to hide his irritation, Joseph snapped “Why? Why the fuck do you think it’s your business?”

His father’s head cocked to the side, the corner of his mouth beginning its dangerous tilt down south. Mouth opened and ready to snap something back, his father suddenly shook his head and stood, leaving the room without a word. Like his meeting with Swan, that was definitely not how he expected things to go. And just like with Swan, he let it go.

Or at least, he tried to.

“Fuck it,” Joseph sighed, pushing away the box he’d been trying to fill for the past two hours. His focus was shot to hell after feeling like an asshole for being rude to his father. Being rude to his parents was easy, sure, Joseph was even good at it, but he always ended up feeling like shit because of it. Probably because he’d been raised right or whatever.

Dragging himself to his feet for what felt like the fiftieth time today, Joseph trudged out of his room and went in search of his father. He shouldn’t have to apologize but he was going to anyways. Or maybe he was supposed to apologize because he’d started off on the defensive in the first place. Joseph was the asshole in this situation.

After enough searching to make him even more tired than he already was, Joseph found his father in the garage, checking out the Miata with his expert eye. Joseph had never brought him specifically to see it, but he was sure the man had checked it out the minute he knew it was just sitting here. “How’s it look?”

His father of course had known Joseph had walked in but he didn’t turn to him much like Joseph hadn’t upstairs. “Fine.”

Were they switching roles? “Just fine?”

It was in this moment that Joseph realized his father wasn’t actually looking at the car and just using it to lean on and not look at Joseph. His hands clenched the edge of the front where he had popped the hood, seemingly looking at the engine but not really. “Yeah. Just fine.”

Joseph saw the tautness in his body, the strain of his leg that was probably only getting worse with age. His father was upset, Joseph could tell, if not from his tone but from his body language. “Are you mad at me?” The aching fear in his chest burned his heart. His tone hadn’t been that rude, had it? It hadn’t felt like it. “Are you?” he repeated when he received no answer.

“No.”

From the tightness in his voice, his father was obviously unhappy about something. “Upset with me?”

A heavy sighed passed from his father’s lips before he took a deep breath, his entire frame shuddering with it. “I’m sorry.”

He was pretty sure that he was the one who was supposed to be apologizing. Scratching at the nape of his neck, Joseph whispered “For?”

“Being a terrible father.”

“Oh,” he replied softly, confused as ever on how they were flying from one subject to another. Joseph had thought they were somewhere else but obviously not. “I…I don’t think you’re terrible though?”

Shaking his head, his father spun around and leaned on the car, facing Joseph with a skeptical look. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” Crossing his arms, he added with a snort “I like painful truths more than I like sweet lies.”

“I’m not…I’m not lying though.” Joseph regrated biting on his lip in that moment, the blood bubble from earlier popping open beneath his teeth. Unsure what to do with his hands or where to set his gaze, he said “I mean, sure, we’ve had our…problems,” his father snorted, “but if you were a terrible father, I wouldn’t trust you with shit. But I do because I know I can.” Shrugging in his uncertainty of this whole weird situation that’d unrisen from nowhere, Joseph added “You’re mine and I love you for it. People have called me stupid for it but they don’t get it because they don’t get you and they don’t get me. I love you for you.”

His father was his father and that could never change and after all this time, Joseph sure as hell didn’t want it to. He loved him no matter his behavior. Joseph would always love him no matter what. And that wasn’t even the guilt of killing him talking.

“Anyways,” Joseph said as he waved the conversation off, trying to sound totally cool and chipper because he was not being dragged down this hole this early in the morning, “I came to apologize for being rude earlier. I know your questions are from concern. I won’t give you the ‘I’m an adult’ speech because mayko said it’s null and void.”

The tired look on his father’s face slowly grew into an amused smile, his arms crossed across at his chest. “She loves to null and void a lot of stuff, doesn’t she?”

“Oh yes. It’s her prerogative, of course.”

“Of course.”

Joseph laughed as he closed the distance to the Miata and gazed down at his months of hard work. He still wanted this car to go to Emilio, no matter the current circumstances of Joseph being alive. Emilio was never the type who was super into cars, but he liked them nonetheless. Plus, Joseph had fixed this one from the brink of the junkyard; it had all his love, sweat, tears, and yes, some blood in there. “I went to see Finlay.”

His father faced the engine once more, both of them looking down but not really looking. “How’d that go?”

“About as well as it could’ve,” Joseph answered with a tired nod. Swan hadn’t reacted wrong, he just hadn’t had the chance to properly think. Joseph had sprung too much too fast. He didn’t blame him. “I’ve got my buddy but not my boyfriend.” His father hummed. “I didn’t think we’d magically get fixed but I was expecting a little more than I got.”

“Well, us Kavinskys have a problem with expecting the world to always bend for us when we demand it.”

“At least I ask, not demand, Lord Kavinsky.” A little amused breath came from his father. “It has a little more manners to it, you know? Anyways,” Joseph said with a sigh “I don’t think I really thought through what I was doing. It was impulse.”

Nodding as a finger tapped along the Miata, his father murmured “Most things at two a.m. are.” Joseph hummed in agreement. The early morning hours were for deep thinking and bad choices. Kind of like the bathroom. “But, you know, time can always help. You both said some nasty shit to each other.”

“Well…”

“I’m not saying that everyone doesn’t do it,” his father snorted, leaning against the car with his arms crossed. “That’s the problem with loving someone. When you’re upset, you know exactly where to hit to make it hurt the most.”

Joseph didn’t need to ask his father if he was speaking from experience because he knew that he was. His parents adored each other but they knew exactly how to be nasty to each other about as much as they knew how to love each other. He’d always wanted to be better than that but Joseph was worried he was falling into the same patterns. “Yeah.”

“Plus, I mean, you guys are young. It takes time to figure out your feet in a relationship.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Wriggling his mouth side to side, Joseph muttered “Why are you and mayko so intent on keeping me a child? I’m eighteen.”

“Does that make you an adult?”

“Doesn’t it?”

A smile stretched across his father’s face, his arms still crossed as he glanced around the garage. Despite himself, Joseph had set up his own little garage workshop almost exactly the way his father had at home. It was a matter of system and, well, it was an effective one. Why change it? “You think so?”

He had a feeling the answer was ‘no’ but he wasn’t giving up yet. “According to the law-”

“Does a law make you adult?”

“Legally.”

With a hum, his father nodded before he apparently changed his mind and shook his head with a laugh. “Trust me, enjoy being a child. What’s there to grow up for? You like to go out, we let you go out. You want people over? We let you have people over.” Giving him a look with a raised brow of judgement, his father snorted “Or is it because you want to go out in the deadass night and not be questioned? You still would, even if you were the most adult of adults.”

Joseph had a feeling there was no winning this line of convo.

“I guess I could make you pay rent, if that’s what you want,” his father continued with a shrug, scratching at his clean jaw. He had shaved yesterday but it was almost a shame because he’d had the shaping of a beard on his face. Joseph had never seen him with anything than stubble on a missed day of shaving. Being here either made him lazy or too busy. “Not that there’s rent to pay because I own both houses.”

“Way to brag.”

“Hey, I worked hard. I get to brag as I like.” Stretching his arms up and loosening his shoulders, he added with a yawn “You can pay utilities. There’s the trash, sewer, water, gas, electric, internet, and phone.”

This house also had cable. The Jersey one didn’t.

“Oh and the cable for here. You’ll need a job because my money isn’t yours.”

It wasn’t that Joseph wouldn’t like to try having a job but the thought of all those bills… “You know, I can wait on all the adulting.”

“You sure?”

Joseph nodded, not a question in his mind. He could totally pass on adulting right now. He was barely managing living through his teenage years as it was. “Oh yeah. Yeah.”

Chapter Text

Breakfast had been conquered through a queasy stomach and after such a long night and morning, Joseph felt that he’d conquered quite a feat.

Now, he had something important to deal with whether he liked it or not.

“How did your paperwork have the power to follow you all the way here?”

Glancing up from his mound of, yes, paperwork, his father rolled his eyes and sighed as he returned to his reading. “Asen emails them, I read or sign or veto or all that other shit.”

Joseph watched his father for a few as he squinted over a sheet before signing at the bottom and writing a note beneath that. He couldn’t help but wonder if his father would get offended if Joseph bought him some reading glasses. Being sensitive about growing old wasn’t really his father’s style but…maybe it was different when you were actually aging. “What’s that sheet for?”

“Business is not-”

He was so sick of that sentence. “Oh for the love of God.”

“An arms deal.”

An arms deal. Well, at least it wasn’t drugs. Joseph knew his father was in the business but after his own battles, that took on a new meaning to Joseph. “Buying or selling?” he asked, sitting down across the dining table from his father. “Or can I not ask that either?”

Shuffling through the various files and sheets and seemingly not finding what he was looking for, his father stood and reached for ones that had worked their way farther away from him. “You know, it’s a privilege that a lot of people I know would want to be sheltered from this type of life. Yet, you are so insistent on learning things that you don’t need. Or trying to be something that you don’t need to be.”

“It was just a question,” Joseph muttered, sinking his face into his upturned palm. Sure, he didn’t care to be a mobster but he couldn’t help his curiosity.

“Keep your questions to yourself.”

Scrunching his nose with disdain, Joseph sighed and asked “Are you free or are those important?”

A quick glance was sent his way, “Why?”

“Uh, well,” Joseph began, trying not to laugh at the humor of this whole stupid situation he had gotten himself into. But he couldn’t put it off any longer. He wasn’t sure if the time he’d put it off already was bad or not. Maybe it’d been too long? “We need to track something down and…well, I guess the help would be good?”

His father sat back down, his brow raised and his attention caught. Setting down his pen and the paper he had finally found, he asked “What are we looking for?”

Tapping his temple, Joseph explained “You remember the shit up here?” His father nodded. “Well, I pulled a dragon out of here and she’s kind of…lost?” He wanted to laugh from the utter confusion forming on his father’s face. “I don’t know if she’s back in my head or not. Things don’t just return themselves back to where they’re…from.”

Man, if Diana fucked up some shit…but like, wouldn’t they hear about it? Even if people didn’t believe what they were seeing, there would still be rumors, wouldn’t there? Strange fire sighting? Scorched grass and dead animals?

Shit, what if Diana was killing things to eat? Did she even need to eat outside of his mind? Even in his mind, Joseph didn’t know if she ate because of hunger or just to have something to do. “Also, she may be killing things and that’s a problem.”

Nodding very very slowly as he set his chin on his interlaced fingers, his father said nothing. He sat like that long enough for Anka to pass and give them a curious look. He sat long enough like that for his tétka to stop in her passing and glance between them. “What’s up with you two?”

Joseph gave her a patient smile. He was really trying with her; he knew her heart was in the right place but, man, did she stress him out. “We’re going dragon hunting.”

“Huh?”

“You asked, I answered.”

“Right,” she said slowly before letting out a big breath, giving him her own version of a patient smile. “Okay.”

“Okay,” he repeated, his smile still plastered on his face as she walked to the kitchen. It wasn’t like he wanted to be rude it was just…she caused it herself. He turned back to his still silent father. “So?”

Dropping his clasped hands onto the tabletop, his father laughed like he’d just saw his own father come out of the tile.

Literally.

“We’re going…dragon hunting?” Joseph nodded. It wasn’t like he was lying. He just figured that it’d be easier to track Diana with someone who actually knew about his power. Plus, his father was a dream thing too. Maybe there was some type of tether that was even stronger from dream to dream rather than just dreamer to dream. “It’s a girl?”

“Diana.”

“Diana.” Taking a sip from his mug beside him and watching Joseph over the edge of the cup, his father set it down and swallowed before he laughed again. “Jesus Christ.”

He had no idea if that was like a good ‘Jesus’ or an ‘aw fuck, Jesus.’ But whether he had his father with him or not, Joseph had to find her, especially if he was going to go back home. “I have an idea where she might be which should give us a good start.”

“Alright,” his father said with a one shoulder shrug, his face completely saying ‘fuck it.’ “Hunting dragons will always be cooler than paperwork.”

It took a good while for Joseph to get dressed, simply because he had to make sure he was covered and yet not about to die from heatstroke from a stupid dragon and Henrietta. Then there was the problem of the car. Joseph had no idea where his was and he had a feeling that it was still at the drag strip, sitting there for the hounds. He didn’t want to take his father’s rental because the unpaved roads would fuck it up. They ended up in his mother’s Audi which was terrible because all he could imagine was some sharp ass rocks fucking it up but it was the only option.

On the Henrietta freeway and halfway to the fairgrounds, his father finally asked the question Joseph had expected from the beginning. “Why do you want me with you?”

Turning onto his ramp exit, Joseph didn’t bother holding back. He finally got to talk about his fucked up head aloud and he wasn’t going to miss out. “Because you’re also from my head. I figure if she’s not at the fairgrounds, then maybe you guys have some sort of tether we can use. I don’t think it’s a good idea to leave her…” he waved his hand at the blue yonder of the afternoon, “around. She’s not the nicest soul.”

“And, you know, she’s a mythical creature.”

“Exactly.”

Shifting in his seat as he chewed on his lip, his father adjusted his air condition vent and then the other before saying “Wouldn’t you know if she’s back in your head?”

Joke was on him alright. As if Joseph would even dare get anywhere near his brain after his suicidal fiasco. He was lucky he was even sleeping without interruption right now. Joseph wasn’t sure how or why he was but he was taking all the blessings he could get. But it did worry him; going without dreaming would eventually make him ooze that black shit and, well, Joseph really didn’t want to ooze.

If he were being honest, if the dreaming part of his brain was broken and never able to work again, Joseph wouldn’t even mind. Hell, he’d send God that thank you card he’d been promising for so long.

“I haven’t visited since I tried to use it to kill myself.” There was a little ‘ah’ noise from his father. “Which is great because it’s a fucked up place when my mental health is shit and I don’t want to be there.”

“So it’s like an actual place? A form of physicality to it?”

“Oh,” Joseph couldn’t help but laugh as he turned down the dirt road towards the abandoned fairgrounds. Everyone that had driven one of the dreamt Evo’s had already picked up their cars as far as he knew but he’d have to go over to the drag strip a couple miles over to check on his own. If the fairgrounds were looking this bad with his absence, Joseph bet the drag strip was even worse. Especially after his failed party. “I’m no expert, my friend. That’s probably why I’m half the mess I am, let me tell you.”

The fairgrounds proved to have nothing of value or Diana, which, really, Joseph had expected. The best bet was the drag strip but he’d still wanted to check here first. He didn’t waste much time at the actual fairgrounds before he drove himself and his father the minute over to the drag strip.

The actual scene of the crime.

Parking next to a lost Honda Accord, Joseph and his father got out. He gave a glance around at the various crap that had been left behind, mainly, the amount of trash. His parties had clean-up rules because Joseph wasn’t going to clean other people’s shit and he wasn’t going to let them kill the environment but he supposed he could let it slide.

It…it had been quite the fiasco this time.

“This place is a fairground?” his father asked as he walked around, peeking into abandoned cars and glancing up at the trees. “Doesn’t seem like much.”

“Fairground and drag strip,” Joseph called as he went his own way, checking out if anything interesting had been forgotten. “Well, you know, the outskirts of the fair. The actual buildings and stuff are over there.” Lifting his foot as something crunched beneath it, Joseph sent God a thank you for not shoving that piece of glass up his foot. “It’s been closed for years so I kind of took it.”

It wasn’t like anyone had really wanted it. Sure, people used to do fireworks and stuff but Joseph started doing it for them. It all worked out. Kind of.

“Is it usually so…”

“Trashy?” Joseph supplied, shutting the door of a Camry as he passed. He’d have to get down to the drag strip. He knew for a fact his car was there and maybe Diana would be around something that was his. Maybe he had a scent to his dream things? Or at least a pull like a magnet? “No, but everyone kind of left in a hurry last time so I shall let it go.”

His parents didn’t know the exact details of his Fourth party and since he didn’t offer, they didn’t ask. Obviously, there was the suicide attempt and a couple fires, fireworks, a firework dragon, some people getting hurt, a whole lot of panic, and cars. But there were secrets to that like an actual dragon, a kidnapping, a game of hide and seek, and, of course, Ronan Lynch and his bitch gang.

Joseph paused in his descend to the drag strip, the little hill beneath his feet a little crispy still. Did Ronan pause for even a second to wonder about him? Maybe check on him? Sure, Joseph had taken Matthew but he’d kept him safe and whole. Matthew had never been in any real danger and he’d given him right back once Lynch was using his brain. When Diana had scorched through him and whatever had happened afterwards happened, did Ronan even stop and wonder if Joseph was okay?

The ache clenching Joseph’s chest told him that he already knew the answer. Even after weeks had passed since the incident, Joseph knew that probably not once did Lynch ever think of him. But didn’t that put Ronan at fault? If someone got hurt, didn’t a normal person check on them?

Was Joseph not even good enough for a curious thought? After everything, was he still not good enough? Even if it was just to see if his enemy lived or died, why hadn’t Ronan asked anyone? If he had, Joseph knew that one of his crew would’ve heard and told him.

“Is there a dragon I don’t see?”

“Nope,” Joseph whispered to his father who had come up beside him, looking down at a pretty sad excuse for a drag strip. He tried not to let how upset he was invade his voice but he knew he hadn’t been that successful. “Just me. As usual.”

It didn’t matter what he went through in life, he was still always alone.

The grip on his heart tightened as the pit in his stomach grew. It was entirely mental, he knew that, but there was such a physicality to it that it hurt. “Today is the first day since I woke up that I wish I’d died.”

He was so tired of being alone. Of being everyone’s afterthought or worse, less than that.

From the corner of his eye before he resumed his trek to the asphalt, Joseph saw his father stiffen beside him. He didn’t have to worry; Joseph wasn’t planning on doing anything to himself. He just wanted his pain to be heard. Dr. Cho said that voicing his thoughts, even if he wasn’t sure what feeling he had attached to them, was important. Maybe he couldn’t understand but the person who had heard him could. Joseph understood this one just fine but he still had thought voicing it was for the best. Saying his suicidal thoughts aloud was safer than keeping them to himself. “You don’t have to panic,” he called behind himself to the unmoving figure behind him, “I just thought I should mention it. Dr. Cho said I should.”

“I’ll trust the doctor then,” his father said, his steps softer and quieter than Joseph’s, even on the singed grass. “She said do it, then do it. Don’t mind my heart or anything.”

“You know, it’s never too early for a heart attack.”

“You just want my money,” his father snorted as he came up beside Joseph. For a man with a bum knee, he was fast. “And just so you know, you only get twenty-five percent. Mayko gets the rest.”

Twenty-five percent of his father’s what could be a billion or more was plenty for him. As long as Joseph got the car collection, he was a very happy man. And plus, if Joseph asked, his mother would give him whatever anyways. And he knew that despite how his father spoke, Joseph had more than just that twenty-five.

When they came to the asphalt of the strip, they both came to a halt, staring out at the damage. Damage was an understatement though. It didn’t even encompass five percent of the wreckage before them. “Goddamn,” his father said under his breath, his voice almost in a weird sense of awe. “What the hell did you do?”

Joseph nodded as he looked out at the carnage. In that moment, he hadn’t cared what was happening or going on. All that had mattered was him and Lynch. Boy, had he been out of his freaking mind. “I guess had a little more than a mental breakdown.”

Or something.

Chapter Text

“His phone is still off,” Skov reported, setting down his phone beside him on the bed. Finlay had come to see if anyone knew of what Joseph had told him this morning but it seemed to be news to all of them.

That actually made him feel good knowing that he’d been the first to be told.

“Maybe he just wanted a reaction,” Jiang said with a shrug, his focus almost entirely on his phone and the game he was playing. Finlay had dragged him out of bed so that they could come to Skov and Prokopenko together. Surprisingly, Jiang hadn’t said a word. “Just wanted to see what you’d say, you know?”

Finlay had thought that in the beginning but now he wasn’t so sure. Joseph didn’t just show up in the middle of the night for the hell of it. Was it really all just for a couple pieces of paper? Finlay had read only the white sheet and, yeah, it had made him feel giddy inside that his ex had literally taken the time to write out what he liked about him but like…could he have not sprung that on him so suddenly? Finlay had barely even been awake and functioning, not to get so heartfelt.

But who was in the wrong? Him or Joseph? Or maybe no one?

“I don’t think he was,” Finlay said with a sigh, resting his back against Prokopenko’s bed. Joseph obviously wasn’t going to stay in Henrietta forever, much like all of them, but they only had a year of school left. And after all of this, the last thing Finlay had guessed was that he would get up and go back to New Jersey. “He sounded so serious.”

A creak sounded behind him, Prokopenko shifting the entire damn mattress to the left. “Plus, he has his phone off. Obviously, he doesn’t want anyone bothering him about it.”

Finlay turned and set his chin on the edge of the bed, watching Prokopenko with his most critical eye. “You saw him yesterday. Did he mention it at all?” Prokopenko shook his head. “Doesn’t it seem completely last minute though?”

“Is it?” Skov asked, scooting the edge of his twin bed, hanging his arms over the side of his blue sheet. It’d been yellow last week, newly bought, but they’d all laughed at his pee sheet that he went and bought a new color. “Maybe he’s been thinking it for a while now. And with both parents over his head, maybe they told him it’d be best.”

How could it be best when his crew was here? When Finlay was here? They’d make sure their damn ringleader would be fine; that’s what his crew was for. Ride and die for each other. Going back to New Jersey was a waste.

Or, at least, that was how Finlay saw it. He could only imagine how important it might be for Joseph. But that wasn’t the point was it? Even if Joseph was fully decided in leaving, didn’t they as his friends deserve more than that shitty little ‘I’m leaving’ thing? Where was the respect for all they’d been through together? “Don’t we deserve at least a proper notice?”

“He came to tell you at least. We haven’t heard anything.”

Finlay had a feeling that wasn’t why Joseph had come; that’d simply been an afterthought to his papers. “He came to give me a list on why he likes Finlay Swan, dude. At two in the fucking morning.”

Prokopenko’s head popped up from his pillow, “Oh, he gave it to you? That’s good. What’d you think? I hadn’t told him to give it to you, I was just hoping he’d come up with it himself. Sometimes, you gotta let him think he came up with his own ideas.”

He glanced over at the loopy face waiting with such a patient look. “You know it?”

“Yeah,” Prokopenko said with a nod. If he was an elephant, his ears would’ve bobbed with him. Or maybe even a hound. Walnut. “We were working on ways how he could express his feelings without opening that big mouth of his. He likes to write and, according to him, he’s always honest in writing.” With a shrug, he added “We thought it was a good idea. That way even when his mouth is nasty, you and him actually know what’s between you guys.”

Slightly ashamed to admit it, Finlay hadn’t thought that it had been that deep. He just thought it was one of Joseph’s…weirder moments. It was just a piece of paper but apparently, he and Prokopenko had put a lot of thought into it.

Now he kind of felt like an ass. No wonder Joseph had wanted to know what he thought or if he had wanted to talk about it.

Fuck.

“Guess it didn’t work,” Jiang snorted from his corner. “Did you even bother to read it?”

If there was one person here who didn’t get to talk all his big shit, it was Jiang and his nasty ass attitude. Why did he think he got to be here and act all superior about it? As if he would have read the letter. At least Finlay had, even if he hadn’t really been focusing much.

Two a.m. was a hard time to focus at.

“It was early morning-”

“Man, the dude’s life is fucked up as it is.”

“Whose side are you on?”

Jiang gave him a superior look that Finlay was this close to punching off his stupid face. He’d finish Joseph’s work and make those eyebrows matching. “There are no sides in a crew, Finlay.”

Finlay slid his eyes over to Skov who was still hanging over the edge, his round eyes darting worried looks between Finlay and Jiang. “I will break his face. You best shut him up.”

Skov gave him a scandalized look, sitting up abruptly. “This doesn’t have to do with me! Solve your own problems!” A little color filled his cheeks as he added in almost a whisper “Without, you know, the hitting. Preferably.” Skov had quickly gotten over his ‘silent treatment’ of Jiang because he was just that bad at it. But Jiang actually giving an apology might’ve helped too. And the fact that Skov’s mother hadn’t seen the ugly bruise yet.

“Look, yo,” Jiang began, setting down his phone and sitting crossed legged. Leaning in and giving Finlay the eye contact of his life, he said “No offense to all of us who think we’re amazing, but we’re shit. Our buddy wanted to kill himself and literally came an inch close enough and none of us were any brighter about it.”

They didn’t talk about it but Finlay knew that they all felt an amount of guilt for it.

“If his parents think taking him out of this environment is best, then we don’t get to say shit. We want him alive and whole and nothing less.”

“I never said-”

Jiang waved both hands in front of him while shaking his head. “No. We are here to support him. Right now, no one gives a damn about friends and school because that means shit when he can go and kill himself in a couple minutes.”

“Please don’t say that so lightly,” Skov whispered, eyes wide and mouth being chewed on with vigor. “Don’t speak the ill and the ill won’t come.”

“The ill will come whether we like it or not,” Jiang snapped with frustration. His eyes were alight and his jaw was tight with every word. “He’s fucking suicidal and we’ve known him for years yet none of us gave the right amount of attention that he needed. We’ve all seen the scars and the cuts and we ignored it. What kind of people does that make us?”

He’d never realized how hard Jiang had been taking it all. They all carried the weight in their hearts for their part of fault in Joseph’s attempt but Finlay had never noticed how heavy it had been weighing Jiang down. Even now, when he and Joseph were in the middle of a ‘don’t talk to me’ petty fight, Jiang was mad at himself. “I tried-”

Throwing his hands in the air and getting to his feet, Jiang snapped “You tried shit! I tried shit! He could have died so easily while we were being stupid and ignoring what we saw!” Finlay tensed as Jiang’s angry form loomed over him. If he stood, he knew Jiang might take that as a challenge to throw a punch or two. Finlay wasn’t here for a fight. “And all you’re worried about is how he told you he’s going back home? Have some fucking understanding, for fuck’s sake!”

Slowly rising to his feet and taking a step back from the buzzing body before him, Finlay took a deep breath and said softly “You’re not the only one who feels guilty, Xia.”

Jiang stared at him with frustrated eyes, his mouth going slack until his entire face followed. Shaking his head as he stared down at the floor, he whispered “Then why does it seem like it? Why is it like you all moved on?”

Finlay had never had a suicidal friend but in his mind, wasn’t moving on what they were supposed to do? “Shouldn’t we?”

For a brief moment, he was worried that he’d ignited Jiang’s anger all over again when his head shot up and glared at him. But instead, Jiang sighed at plopped down on the edge of Prokopenko’s bed, dropping his head into his hands. “I don’t know but that doesn’t seem right. It’s like we’re going back right where we were. I don’t feel like we’re doing anything to help.”

As bad as it sounded, Finlay wasn’t even sure what it was that they could actually do. They talked to him and tried to get him to share but what could they really do if Joseph wasn’t willing to open that line of communication himself? No amount of forcing would get them anywhere. Plus, his family was here so maybe they were doing more than his crew could.

It was really all just one huge conundrum that he didn’t think any of them had answers for.

“But then,” Jiang continued, now looking at his hands like he’d never seen them before, “what can I do? It’s not like we were ever close but I’ve tried telling him that I’ll listen. Is that enough?”

“You…talking to us or yourself?”

Jiang glanced up at Finlay before sending a glance to Prokopenko and Skov. “Maybe we should, like, sit together as a crew and try talking.”

Skov ruffled his huge bedhead that Finlay and Jiang were shaving tomorrow. Not that they’d told Skov yet. No need to scare him off. “Is that a good idea though? Maybe that’s too much pressure and people for him to handle at one time?”

Tossing himself backwards and looking up at the ugly dorm ceiling, Jiang snorted “Maybe he needs a little pressure, pups.”

Finlay had no idea what the right answer was here. It was all too complicated but unlike hard homework, there was no right equation to solve the problem. “It…might work?” Finlay said, glancing around the room, hoping that his encouragement would in turn let them give him some too. “But we shouldn’t stage it like some intervention; we should just go to hang out and try to be natural about it.”

“I’m as natural as they come, baby,” Jiang laughed as he sat up, his hair flopping with the movement. He’d gotten over his spike phase and was now growing the top out while keeping the sides short. But not too short because apparently that would just make him ‘one of those dumbasses.’ “No fillers or Botox here.”

“It could work,” Prokopenko agreed, nodding his head. Somehow, he looked more aware than he ever had since…

Yeah.

Finlay wasn’t too sure how to tackle that conversation with Joseph again.

“We just go over,” Prokopenko continued as he slid off his bed and grabbed a different pair of shorts that he switched with the ones he wore, “say we’re there to bug the crap out of him.”

Skov sent Prokopenko a confused look, his face scrunching in on itself. “How is that a good idea? We don’t want to annoy him.”

“Trust me on this. He’ll think it’s funny even if he’s annoyed.”

He still didn’t look convinced, but Skov shrugged anyways and got off his own bed, walking over to the closet he shared with Prokopenko. Yanking a shirt of a hanger, Skov turned to Finlay. “So are you the ex or the buddy in this intervention of ours?”

As much as Finlay wanted to be the boyfriend, no matter their fights, this wasn’t the situation for it. This had to be done as Kavinsky’s crew and buddies, not as Finlay and Joseph. “I think it’d be better if I stayed in the friendship lane for this.”

The little blonde seemed satisfied as he changed his shirt but Jiang’s face was collapsing in on itself as he considered this. If there was ever going to be something that gave Jiang wrinkles, it was his deep thought processes. “Is that a good idea though? I mean, you said yourself, yo, he came to give his ex a letter. He didn’t go for Swan, he went for Finlay.” Smoothing out some stragglers on his head, he leaned back on his hands and snorted “Maybe you coming with us is a bad idea.”

“I’m not the one who currently isn’t speaking to him.”

Jiang just shrugged. “Me and him know how we are. We fight, we get over it with a few hits and bribes and apologies. It’s pretty much routine for us at this point.”

“Don’t sound so proud,” Prokopenko laughed.

“We know ourselves just fine.”

Yanking on a pair of sneakers, Skov got to his feet and gave them all a look. The Skov look that said ‘I need better friends because mine are annoying and lazy and just terrible.’ “Let’s get moving, kids.”

As Joseph said so often, Skov was damn lucky he was cute.

Chapter Text

“So here’s a question,” his father called from behind him as Joseph walked over to his poor car. A few weeks and a dragon had done its toll alright. There were black soot stains or maybe they were actual burns because in some places, the body had the sign of warping. It was dirty and had leaves and pine all over it. His trunk was still open along with a couple doors. “Why are there so many Mitsus?”

The drag strip was littered with the cars from Joseph’s forest. Everyone who had driven one had probably dumped their cars the minute shit started to go bad. Joseph easily knew which one Prokopenko had been driving, its ruins still smashed into the fallen flood light. There was even one that had been flipped over and smashed. But the cars and the trash weren’t the only things left here. There was broken glass all over the floor, toppled lamps, signs of fire, and broken branches and trees.

“It’s a complicated explanation,” Joseph replied, peeking through his open driver door. It seemed exactly as he’d left it which was weird. Had there been no police investigation? It was like no one had been here since the party. Like it was a forgotten memory that would fade into myth if there wasn’t so much evidence here. It was like they wanted it to fade into myth. Like Joseph was nothing but a bad dream that had hit Henrietta. “But they’re all from my head. The why isn’t important.”

“Right,” his father said slowly as he reached Joseph and the ‘real’ Evo that wasn’t any more real than the others. The only difference was that it was Joseph’s actual car and not just for the party. He tapped the hood and added “And this one?”

Dropping himself into the driver’s seat, Joseph checked his center console and glove compartment, finding the contents exactly as he’d left them. This was Henrietta so he hadn’t expected anyone to jack his shit because, well, everyone knew whose was whose. If something was stolen, someone in this tiny ass town would recognize it as someone else’s. Especially if that something belonged to him. “This is my car,” he murmured as he reached for a Ziploc that technically was supposed to be there but right now, it shouldn’t. “Also from my head. I lit the last one on fire.”

“Ah. Of course.”

Joseph held his prize in his hand, his heart beating so forcefully that he was sure it was either going to erupt through his rib cage or give him a heart attack. His hands were shaking so hard that Joseph didn’t know if it was from his nerves or his excitement.

A little couldn’t hurt.

“I’m surprised that things are just sitting here,” his father continued as he rounded the front of the car, coming to the side where Joseph was. “Guess thievery isn’t very high in a town like this.”

Just a little.

He could feel his father’s presence behind him but Joseph was sure that he was leaning enough where his father couldn’t see what he held. His hands weren’t steady but there wasn’t time for perfection. Joseph just wanted a little while he had the chance. He opened the bag and took out the straw before shaking out the messiest pile of cocaine he’d ever put out. With quick bony fingers, he shoved it into a shitty line that he’d probably end up spilling more than snorting before putting the tip of the straw to his nostril.

But that was as far as he got.

“Not a chance,” his father practically snapped, dragging a struggling Joseph out of the car by his armpits. He dragged him through the dirt, the straw still in Joseph clenched hand, until there were more than ten feet between them and the car. “I’ll find a fucking spray bottle and spray you like the cat you are, you little shit.”

His hands were still shaking like hell from his sudden need but Joseph couldn’t help but laugh as he was thrown into the dirt without a care. The straw was yanked from his hand, no matter how tight Joseph held onto it, his father giving it a quick look before he dropped it on the floor and slammed his foot down.

Joseph didn’t like the crack he heard.

“You…you didn’t have to do that,” Joseph muttered, dropping his head back onto the hard floor, despair overtaking all the excitement he’d just encountered. Now that the excitement was leaving, his body was screaming in pain all over from the manhandling. Flopping his arms out beside him, Joseph felt like crying over the lost cocaine that he had no doubt was now in his father’s possession. Joseph had already gone through the entire house when he’d gotten home but his mother had told him that she’d gotten rid of it already while he was still induced. “I just wanted a little.”

“A little, my ass,” his father said, his voice far off. Joseph sighed, realizing his father must be rifling through the car to see if there was more. “We have you clean and we’re going to keep it that way.”

Thank God for the trees or the sun would be toasting him like hell. His body hurt but somehow, even in his manhandling, his father had made sure to be careful of Joseph’s arm. “I promise, just this time!”

It sounded stupid, even to his wishful ears.

“Says every addict in the world!” his father called back.

Joseph sighed up at the branches above him before shutting his eyes. He wasn’t an idiot; he knew that there was no such thing as ‘just this time’ but having a bag in his hand after weeks…

He wished he knew how to get excited for normal things the way he just had for some powder.

Even with his eyes closed, Joseph felt his father above him, his shadow darkening the orange tint coming into Joseph’s eyelids. “I’m pretty sure that’s all I had in there, don’t worry,” he muttered, the loss he was feeling oozing into his voice. His chest felt empty and his fingers itched. If he was lucky, he wasn’t going to lose his marbles but there was no guarantee. “I was just going through the car. I wasn’t actually trying to get high.”

“I don’t care what you do.”

Eyes flying open as fast as he dragged himself to his feet as his burned half screamed at him for moving so suddenly, Joseph took a couple stumbles back, putting his hand between them just in case. He wasn’t exactly sure what a hand could do but it gave him a sense of security. “Hey there.”

Diana and her scary ass dragon eyes blinked at him before her slithery smile grew on her face. Joseph honestly wasn’t sure what was better; her as a dragon or as a dragon girl? What would people find freakier? “Hi.” She took a bounce forward, her eyes sparkling in the most delight he’d ever seen. “Did you miss me?”

Miss her? Uh…well… “I wouldn’t have come looking if I didn’t, right?”

Right?

Seemingly pleased by his answer as she clasped her reptilian hands together, Diana bounced once more and clapped like this was all just wonderful. Joseph had wanted to find her, yeah, for the matter that he didn’t want her destroying shit or killing things but she seemed to think it was more of an affectionate thing. “I thought you’d never come but you’re here.”

Oh, he was here, alright. Now he just had to keep the creepy dragon that wasn’t supposed to be on this side of the world happy. “Of course I was going to come. I wouldn’t have left you all alone.” She clapped again with glee, her bouncing getting her closer and closer. Joseph was worried that if he took a step back she’d get angry but he really didn’t like how close she was getting. They’d sat together in the forest for years but never this close and definitely not on this side of the world. “Have you been here the whole time?”

Her red red hair flopped as she nodded. It was a little matted and definitely needed to see a brush. There were leaves and branches sticking out all over the place even though in his head she’d never been a mess. Maybe adapting to the real world wasn’t easy. “They took your body in an ambulance. I was going to take it back but…” she trailed off and shrugged, her slitted eyes sparkling mischievously, “I wanted to stay outside longer.”

Joseph sent a silent thank you to God for her curiosity. He could only imagine what might have happened if a dragon had assaulted an ambulance and then stole a body. For that matter, Joseph didn’t want her touching him while he was unconscious anyways. Diana was weird and well, weird. “Uh, well,” Joseph began, kind of on the verge of hysterics, “you’re going to be outside a little longer.”

How the fuck did one deal with a dragon girl?

Diana tilted her head to the side, her lips beginning to form a pout. “Longer?”

Not really sure why exactly she was upset, Joseph dared to step closer, lowering his arm to his side. “Um, you see…” he tapped his temple, “it’s not really working right up here at the moment.”

Shoulders dropping down, Diana gave him a very unimpressed look that included judging him with fiery eyebrows. Raising her palms up to the sky, she snorted “How can you still be that stupid?”

“I’m not an expert! Nothing’s changed since we last saw each other!”

“You dragged me out! You should have a little more control, don’t you think?” She tossed her arm in a random ass direction and snapped “You think some loser off the street can just take out a dragon? That’s skill!”

“While I appreciate the praise,” Joseph said, completely lost on why he was being yelled at in the first place, “I still don’t know how to do shit!”

“For the love of the forest! How long have we been going over the same stuff!”

Great, now she swore by the forest. Wasn’t she just the coolest little shit? “Fuck your forest!”

“Our forest!”

“My forest!”

“Am…I interrupting?”

Joseph had to admit, he did not know that Diana’s claws could come out like a cat. Nor did he know she liked him enough to suddenly shove him behind her, sharp teeth bared and claws at the ready. She’d lived in his head for years and had been around when his father had died so she knew exactly who he was.

Was that why she’d jumped in front of him?

He didn’t waste time contemplating it though. All he needed was his father to be attacked by the freak from his son’s head. “No, no, no, no, no,” Joseph said as he grabbed her upper arms and dragged her away from his father. The man had been in enough violent situations not to be afraid but his round eyes definitely said something. “Don’t.”

She whirled on him, green eyes flashing and jaw clenched dangerously. “Why not! Everything’s his fault anyways! I can take him!”

Resuming his grip on her arms and trying his hardest not to laugh at her, Joseph said slowly “While you’re probably totally right, I think killing him once was enough for him to get the message.” Diana pouted, her claws slowly retracting even though her eyes still screamed violence. She looked like a petulant child. “We don’t want to do that again.”

“You sure?”

Joseph would not laugh. “Positive. But thanks.”

Lips setting into the deepest pout he’d ever seen, Diana rolled her eyes before sending a scowl over her shoulder to a very blank faced man. If Joseph didn’t know his father, he’d think he was bored out of his mind. “I don’t like you.”

“Ah, well,” his father began, scratching beneath his ear, “I don’t know you to decide if I don’t like you either but…you’re…very…you’ve got good courage.”

If Joseph suppressed his throat any longer, he’d rip his esophagus. Clearing it in hopes of sounding completely sane and stable, Joseph dragged himself and Diana a few steps away from his father before saying “Diana, my father-”

“I know.”

“And…” he waved his hand around, trying his best to think how to say ‘tatko’ without saying it, “uh, this is Diana.”

Silence followed the introductions. Joseph glanced between the two dream things that stood staring each other down before he cleared his throat again, giving Diana’s upper arms a little squeeze. “So, for now-”

“I’m going wherever you’re going,” she said quickly, turning around on him so fast that it actually spooked him. He didn’t like them being so close like this for various reasons. “I’m bored.”

She was bored. Lovely. Who knew what her boredom might make her do? Gnawing on the corner of his lip, trying to avoid the hole left by the bubble he’d popped earlier, Joseph replied “You kind of stick out. I don’t know if you know that.”

Diana blinked at him before glancing down at herself and then rotating her arms like she needed to catch all angles. Raising her head and shrugging, she said “I can wear long sleeves.”

“Long sleeves-”

“I’ll wear that stuff that goes on girls’ faces!”

There was no amount of makeup in the world that could cover this girl up. About to tell her as much, Joseph was cut off by his father. “She could stay in the backyard.”

Joseph bit his lip so hard, he felt a new hole bleeding out. Diana was nodding and clapping as if she suddenly even liked his father. Pulling her away a few feet and planting her in a spot, Joseph told her to stay before pushing his father in the opposite direction to earn them some quiet time. Once Joseph deemed them far enough out of ear shot, he crossed his arms and hissed “Are you out of your mind?”

His father just shrugged, hands in the pockets of his jeans as he looked over at Diana who was amusing herself by examining her hands. “What’s the worst that could happen?” He returned his gaze to Joseph, “It’s not like we can leave her here. Weren’t we supposed to find her?”

Yeah, but he hadn’t thought as far as to what the hell he was supposed to do with her. In his mind, if she was still in dragon form, she’d just stay wherever he’d found her. Having her as herself was more complicated. “Does she look like the normal thing you put in your backyard? She could eat Walnut and not even know that it was wrong.”

Taking a minute to examine Diana, his father finally murmured “I think they might be evenly matched.”

“For the love of God!” Joseph shouted, throwing his arms up in frustration. Both his father and Diana were watching him like he was nuts but the joke was on them. “Am I the only sane one here!”

“Yo, man, if you’re sane, then what the fuck is the rest of the world?”

This time, Joseph did break into hysterics because he just didn’t understand what the fuck was going on in his life anymore. Fuck sanity. Everyone was looking at him like he’d spilled his entire marble collection and at this point, Joseph wasn’t so sure that he hadn’t.

“I think he’s broken,” Prokopenko whispered so damn loud. “Swan, do something.”

He heard the crunch of the crispy grass so Joseph turned and pointed a dangerous ET finger at his crew. Joseph didn’t know how they’d found him or why they were looking in the first place but he also didn’t give a fuck right now. “If any of you bitches takes another step, I swear I’ll beat the shit out of you.”

“I can eat them!”

Oh, fuck him.

Chapter Text

Joseph watched as every single one of the crew’s eyes went wide, staring at the…thing now beside Joseph and his father, declaring its desire to eat them. Even Swan who knew about Joseph’s power looked like he could have a heart attack at any second. “We don’t eat people, you know that.”

Diana frowned, giving Joseph a dirty look as she crossed her scaly arms. “Why? There’s no loss if they’re not good.”

“What the hell…” Jiang began in a slow whisper, trying to take a subtle step back beside Skov, “is that?”

Grasping the bridge of his nose with so much pressure as if it might help stop the ache in more than just his head, Joseph sighed and shut his eyes. The situation was getting worse and worse. All he’d wanted to do was find Diana because it wasn’t safe for the world or for her. That was it. Now, he was in like a million different annoying issues that had to be solved.

“Am I a that?” Diana asked, nudging Joseph when he still had his eyes closed and wouldn’t answer. “Hey. Am I a that? I thought I’m Diana.”

Using his thumb and finger to massage his tired eyes, Joseph sighed “You are Diana.”

“Not a that.”

Oh, she could definitely be described as a that but now was hardly the time to push that issue too. Massaging his temples before finally opening his eyes, Joseph smiled at Diana as best as he could. “You are,” he combed his brain but came up with nothing, “you. And it and they and be.”

She narrowed his eyes at him, her nostrils flaring. “You just took that from that stupid old man.”

Leave it to Atanas and Diana to actually talk to each other behind his back. Or behind his head or whatever. “Yes,” he huffed, reaching the very top of his bullshit meter, the pressure in his head getting worse by the second. “Yes, I took from that stupid fucking old man that lives up,” he smashed a finger to his head, “here in my fuck ass head that is so wack at this point that I should just live in a fucking insane asylum because I have dropped every single one of my marbles and unfortunately, they do not own Life Alerts so they can’t get back up.”

“Can marbles own Life Alerts?” Prokopenko asked with a cautious whisper.

“At this point,” Joseph continued to a very confused looking Diana, “I have realized that I really just might be off my shit and it has nothing to do with homophobic fathers and drug abuse but rather, my grandfather.”

This entire time, his father was watching him with a skeptical and yet critical eye but that one caught his shit meter. “What the fuck does Timotei have to do with shit?”

Joseph was positive that he’d officially lost all brain cells the minute he turned to face his father and blurted secrets in front of a crew who might really think he was nuts at this point. “His genetics! Out of all the women in the world, you had to fall in love with the granddaughter of that magical fuckass who’s so fucking patronizing it drives you insane!”

“Are we talking about Timotei or Atanas at this point?”

“It doesn’t matter!” Joseph all but shouted to the heavens and maybe even down to the levels of hell. “You had one child but you people just had to put the magical gene in him so he can spend life totally off his rocker to the point where he’s so wack ass he doesn’t know what shit is happening anymore!” Throwing his hands out at his father, he added “And you’re no better! You were supposed to be a dreaming magical shit too but your brain got all screwy! You’re probably not even actually schizophrenic! The dream shit probably up and went and messed up in making your brain so all you got from it was auditory hallucinations! You think anyone can just feel the, the essence of dream objects?”

Man, he was lucky his father wasn’t getting pissed about Joseph yelling right up in his face. But then, it totally wasn’t yelling, it was closer to a mental breakdown of different proportions. Instead of angry or even annoyed, his father was just looking terribly lost. “Uh…no?”

“No! I can hand that dumbass Jiang over there any dream object and he’d never get it.”

“Yo, you can hand me a what now?”

The hysterics were starting to come back as the pressure in his head increased. It felt like he was congested times a million. He was ready for his sinus cavity to explode any minute now. “I don’t want to be magical. I want to be a regular old nerdy bookish car loving animal freak that has nothing to care about expect when the next novel in a series comes out or if I actually understand how to fix a certain part from a YouTube video. I don’t care about magic and powers and, and all of this,” he gestured out wide to the expanse around them. The fairgrounds, the drag strip, the dream objects, and his dream field down the road.

He didn’t want any of it.

A scaly hand tugged on the sleeve of his shirt, Diana’s face crumpling in and her pouty lip popping out. “But, but it’s a gift.”

“A gift?” Joseph broke into the hysterical laughs that had been climbing up his throat and yet, the pressure only seemed to get worse with each laugh. And as the laughs continued, the pressure pressed further and further and harder and harder.

Until the world went dark.

Joseph’s head flew up, a few leaves tossing themselves up in the air with the motion. Tracking their way back to the floor with his eyes, he blinked at the soft grass and pile of leaves he seemed to be sitting in. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” he whispered, rubbing his hand in the plush green grass. His fairgrounds sure as hell didn’t grow grass like this.

“Do you feel it?”

Did he feel it. Did he feel it? “I feel,” Joseph snapped, as he dragged himself to his feet and glared down Atanas and his damn walking stick, “like I can and will damn well slam you flat on your ass at this point.”

Atanas’ mouth curled to the left, irritation making his eyes glitter. “Do you feel it, I said?”

He didn’t know what he felt beside complete frustration at this life. Dropping back down onto the floor with the leaves and grass catching him with a soft ease, Joseph mumbled into his hands “I don’t know. I don’t know, okay?”

The tears were hot against his cheeks, tired and angry, just as he was. He sat there sniffling for quite a while before a hand set itself softly on his shoulder. “I’m glad you made it,” his great grandfather whispered, his voice warmer than anything Joseph had ever heard from this man in the years of knowing him here. “It’s a long road but you are here, Joseph.”

Wiping his face with weak and tired hands, Joseph blinked down at the grass and asked quietly “What am I supposed to feel?”

Squeezing his shoulder once more before rising to his feet, Atanas replied “The forest. Doesn’t it feel…lively?”

Lively? Joseph picked up his head and glanced around…well, his head. The trees were green and tall, the grass soft and blush, and the birds singing loudly. It was almost like it was an entirely different place than it had been a few weeks ago. Hell, almost a month ago at this point. “It feels kind of…nice, honestly.”

It was totally weird.

“It is, isn’t it?” Atanas laughed, and it almost made Joseph think of his dyádo. “This, young man, is what you can achieve with control.”

“But I’m not doing this. You are.”

“Well, yes, but you can. Maybe we just need to return to basics.” Atanas clucked his tongue as he strolled around Joseph. “The forest is healthy again. The energy is back. That is what I want you to feel.”

The energy. The forest shutting down on him. The dying trees and the darkness and ooze.

Lynch.

Whatever that switch had been that had fucked everything up had been switched back off or something. Or fixed. There wasn’t that crackling feel like Joseph was about to electrocuted. There was no ringing or buzzing. Had everything been fixed? Was Lynch and those shits done fucking up everything that shouldn’t be touched?

“Something was fixed,” Joseph murmured as he dragged himself to his feet. “Whatever had messed everything up a couple months ago…either it’s off or fixed.”

“My thoughts exactly,” Atanas agreed as he stood beside Joseph, his chest puffed with either pride or some heartburn. “I think we can move forward now.”

Rolling his eyes and shooting them straight at his prádyádo, Joseph picked at his fingernails. “Can’t I just chill, man? I want to sleep.”

“No one is stopping you.”

Joseph gave Atanas a side eye of complete frustration. Shaking his head with a sigh as he glanced around the peaceful forest, Joseph asked “Did you bring me here? I was busy yelling at people, you know.”

“It’s ill-mannered to yell,” Atanas snorted, pulling Joseph along with him as he walked. His hand was warm, even through Joseph’s sleeve. “Let’s take a walk.”

He honestly didn’t mind a peaceful walk but he had no idea what was happening on the other side of his brain so he couldn’t spend too much time here. “Did you bring me?” Joseph repeated, needing an answer because if the forest was going to just start dropping him down, he needed to be prepared.

“The forest isn’t going to drag you in, for God’s sake. I brought you.”

“Ah, well, I’d like a warning if you’re going to start doing that.”

Atanas shook his head, his grip still on Joseph’s upper arm. “Young man, I was helping you. You’ve gone too long without even trying to show up. It was eating at your mind.”

Maybe that was all the pressure and congestion he’d been feeling. He hoped he wasn’t oozing back in real world. “I guess thank you then,” Joseph laughed, shrugging his arm out of his prádyádo’s grasp and bouncing forward into a sunny clearing. If visiting the forest – only under these conditions – made him feel this healthy, then he was down. Pointing a sharp finger at his approaching great grandfather, Joseph added “I’m only coming if you’re here. I ain’t dealing with my shitty mind alone.”

His great grandfather probably had never rolled his eyes so much in his living life. “Make it better and you can come anytime alone.”

“Nah,” Joseph said, waving him off. “Let’s just hang out you and me for the next few months or so.”

“Joseph-”

“Joseph.”

Blinking open his eyes and finding his father, friends, and dragon girl’s faces all filled with concern, Joseph tried to laugh only to find his throat clogged and the sudden rush of bile running its way up. He threw up a sludge of black ooze, nearly an inch from Skov’s new Adidas. “Ew!” Skov shrieked, tumbling down and away from the vile pile of ooze.

At least it didn’t smell.

“Dude, it’s the black sludge again,” Jiang said in surprise, crouching down and poking the ooze with a stick. Joseph coughed and wiped excess ooze from his mouth and what was oozing from his nose. “What is it?”

He tried to take the tissues from his father’s hand when he sat up but he was swatted away as his father grabbed his chin and wiped away all the sludge himself. “I’m with Philly; what the fuck is that?”

Atanas may have dragged him down but it seemed that he was already stockpiling some ooze. But the pressure was gone. He didn’t feel like he was full of hella mucus congestion. His eyes met with Diana’s, a clawed finger reaching out and wiping a stray ooze tear. “This is like what was killing the forest. From that tree.”

“Does that make me a tree?”

Nostrils flaring as she creepily sniffed, Diana sat back on her but and crossed her arms. “You went to the forest without me?”

“It’s not-”

“And I can smell that old man! You went and left me to talk to him?”

Jiang glanced between Joseph and Diana, a wary look on his face as he scooted himself a little farther from Diana. “Yo, you meet old men in your fainting spells?”

Plucking at the collar of his shirt and smelling it, Joseph asked “Atanas has a smell?”

His father’s mouth twisted, his head tilted in confusion. “You…met your prádyádo?”

“His what now?”

Rubbing at his temples even though the pressure was gone, Joseph shut his eyes to think. There was no getting out of this anymore. He’d have to tell his crew the truth about his head. His mother already knew but he’d need to get his aunt and cousins out of the house to get Diana into the backyard. And he’d have to dream more despite how much he really didn’t want to. If making him blackout was Atanas answer to helping him ooze less, it wasn’t a good one, especially if he blacked him out somewhere random or while he was driving.

“Can you people give me some damn space?”

Everyone took a step back, though Jiang continued his stirring of the ooze, besides his father and Diana. “So, dude,” Jiang began, his eyes only on the ooze pile, “this is the second time I’ve seen you with black tar heroine dripping from your freaking eyeballs.”

“It’s not heroine,” Joseph sighed.

“Point is, that ain’t normal. I’m also in the proximity of a freaky looking reptile thing. That is also not normal. So,” Jiang said, pointing his twig at Joseph and finally meeting his eyes, “you told me and Swan man that you didn’t know what the ooze was.”

At the time, he’d had no fucking idea it had to do with the forest. “I didn’t.”

“But do you now?”

Joseph looked at the almost black pile of tissues still in his father’s hand. “Maybe? I don’t know what it is but I know why it happens.”

“Great, great.” Getting a little too in his face for Joseph’s liking, Jiang widened his eyes to levels unseen before and whispered loudly “So why’s it happen, Jersey?”

Tell or don’t tell. There really was no plausible deniability at this point, what with Diana sitting there and the huge ass rant he’d gone on. “You’re going to think I’m lying but I’m like kind of sort of magical.”

“Not in bed?”

“Outside.”

Jiang hummed as he nodded, giving the black ooze another look before giving one to Diana. “Your name is…Diana?” The reptile girl nodded, her matted hair somehow looking even worse. “And your…from where?”

Diana tapped her claw against Joseph’s forehead. They’d done more touching in the past hour than they had in years of being dream conspirators. “Up here.”

“Up there.”

“Yes.”

“So what you’re telling me is she’s a freak from your head and you can make things from your head and the black stuff is because…”

“I can’t go too long without dreaming,” Joseph finished for him, shrugging with his palms up because despite how insane this all sounded, it was just how it was. “I blacked out because the dude sharing my brain forest right now said it’s better than when it’d happen forcibly or something something. I honestly try to just block him out most of the time.”

“Okay,” Jiang said with a nod, looking back at the other guys and nodding before nodding again at Joseph. “Okay.”

This was it? “Okay?”

Jiang raised his hand to wack him one before he stopped, remembering the burns, his face scrunched in like Joseph was the biggest idiot in the world. “No, it’s not fucking okay! You think that’s all the explanation I’m pulling out of you, you shit!”

That sounded much more like Jiang.

“But I’ll at least let you go home and get clean and comfortable. Then I’ll beat the answers out of you.”

“If you do,” Diana snorted, her arms crossed and eyes slitted as she stuck out her freaky ass tongue, “then I’ll eat you. Even if he tells me no.”

Chapter Text

Despite Jiang’s constant badgering about Joseph going home to clean up, Joseph didn’t bother. It’d be easier to just air out his dirty laundry and be done with it. And why did it have to be dirty? Maybe he was just airing out his laundry as it was.

It took a good long while of not meeting anyone’s eyes as he explained, even though three of the beings here already knew the truth. He kept it to the bare minimum, skipping over his father and of course Prokopenko. He was a dreamer but he’d heard it by another name and it seemed it could be genetic and well, yeah, the dragon from the party had been very much not a firework.

“She’s the dragon?” Skov whispered, his eyes wide as he gazed at Diana in a new, if not full of awe, light. “No way.”

Joseph just shrugged, not sure what else to say. He’d sold all his secrets, not even for a good price, and here they were. It was like it was all no big deal. He’d spent a childhood of secrecy for nothing. He didn’t know if his friends actually believed him but it sure seemed like they did.

Looking at him through narrowed eyes where he sat beside Skov, his legs crossed upon each other, Jiang asked “So when you’d suddenly have shit and I’d ask where the hell they came from…they were from this dream place?”

“Yup.”

“Like all those Mitsus.”

“Mhmm.”

“What the fuck.”

“I know.”

“Wait, wait,” Swan said, waving his hands around to clear the air, “hold on here. At the party, there wasn’t just that dragon.” He gave a side glance to Diana who was picking at bugs on the floor, “I mean, her. There was that white freaky ass thing too.”

The white freaky ass thing? Joseph hadn’t brought out an other-

Ah.

The white freaky ass thing.

Did he have the right to sell Lynch’s secrets? Why couldn’t he? It wasn’t like Lynch treated him with any respect anyways. Leaning back on his hands despite the dirt and crispy grass, Joseph snorted “That wasn’t me.”

“Theeeen…who was it?”

Grimacing despite his right to totally share Lynch's secret, Joseph glanced to his father who was trying to look like he wasn’t in the conversation while totally being in the proximity of the conversation. Literally, his stretched out leg had his foot pressed against Joseph’s knee. He really hadn’t gone that far from their little dirt circle on the floor. “Lynch.”

He didn’t know why, but the name seemed to catch his father’s attention, his head perking ever so subtly before returning its focus the hole. “Lynch?” Jiang said, bewildered to no end. “Ronan Lynch?”

“Yeah. He’s a dreamer like me.”

Jiang sat back, as if his leaning was going to help him think better. Hand cupping his sharp chin, Jiang asked “So Lynch is also a dude with a wack brain?” Joseph nodded. “He can take shit out like you.” Another nod. Jiang preferred myths and magic to religion but even Joseph was impressed by how well he was taking this. “Does this have anything to do with why you were obsessed with him? I thought it was because you liked him?”

He didn’t miss the quick frown and eyeroll from a certain someone. With a one-shouldered shrug, Joseph answered “That came later. I found out he was a dreamer before I even knew who the fuck he was.” Joseph wasn’t so sure that he’d liked Ronan for Ronan as much as he’d liked Ronan for what he was and what he represented to him. “His ‘suicide’ attempt wasn’t that; he was dying in his dreams. He was never trying to kill himself.”

Prokopenko blinked, his mouth stupidly open before he seemed like he was about to say something, only to stop a second later, seemingly confused. He hadn’t said anything this entire time and, really, he was actually the one Joseph was worried about. What if some weird faint memory was in his head about when he died and all this truth would unearth it? What if Diana opened her big mouth?

Joseph would have to make sure to threaten her later.

“So that time we found you, like, practically dead, you were dead in your head?”

Swan waved Jiang off with a dangerous hand that almost slapped the other boy in the face. Jiang made to bite Swan’s hand but never made contact after the glare he received. “Forget that for a sec. You’re telling me that Lynch does the whole same magic stuff?”

“I’m better than him at it but yeah.” Joseph crossed his arms and grimaced, “Or, I was. Fucking asshole made me teach him and what did I get out of it? Nothing.” His stomach boiled and his heart hurt all over again from the betrayal. For fuck’s sake, he could’ve at least said thanks or something. But no, he’d run off to daddy dick like a winner as if he’d put in all that hard work by himself. “Acting like he’s some superior shit compared to me when all he does is lick daddy Dick’s shoes.”

“A-fucking-men, yo, that’s exactly what I’ve been trying to tell you from the beginning!” Jiang exclaimed, his hands to the sky. “What the hell have I been telling you?”

It was fine to tell and it wasn’t like Joseph hadn’t known it but Jiang had no way of understanding what Ronan had meant. “I’ve only met one person in my life who’s like me and that’s Lynch. Whether he’s an asshole or not, it felt like I wasn’t the only freak to exist for once.”

“I try not to be that guy who points out the obvious,” Skov began, even though he was always that guy, “but I actually find Lynch to be much more of an asshole than you.”

His father snorted, his focus still on that damn hole. It had grown larger and Joseph’s mother was probably going to kill him for it but it was the man’s funeral, not his. “I got to meet this guy.” Feeling everyone’s eyes, his father looked up, his finger still in the hole of his jeans. “What? It takes a lot to be a bigger asshole than a Kavinsky.”

“I felt like that was just said with some awe and pride,” Skov whispered, face red from the heat. Joseph felt like he was choking on the nasty air but he wanted this over and done with before even moving.

“It was.”

“So you taught Lynch,” Jiang began, dusting off his cargo pants as if there was any need when they were all sitting on the floor, “and then…how does that become kidnapping baby Lynch exactly?”

To be honest, Joseph had no idea nor did he remember his thought processes at that point. He had just known that he was tired and needed everything to stop. The magic line had been screwed and had been messing with his already messed up head, his family was a wreck, his friends hadn’t been friendly at the time, his attempt at a relationship had failed, Emilio had wrote him back, and Lynch had treated him like shit.

He’d been alone.

Gnawing at whatever was left of his lip, Joseph glanced down the tiny hill to the ruined drag strip, debris and trash everywhere. He was lucky no one had actually died and all injuries – besides Proko – had been minor. It would’ve eaten at him if he’d waken up only to find out that he had yet another death to his tally. Things hadn’t mattered when he’d wanted to die and, really, did he still want to? His thoughts of suicide were getting just as conflicting as his feelings. He didn’t understand them. He didn’t understand himself.

Joseph didn’t understand much of anything at this point. But then, maybe that was nothing new.

“I don’t know,” he finally answered, his voice soft as he kept his gaze on the havoc he’d wreaked. Well, he and Diana had wreaked. “When you reach a point where being dead sounds so much more appealing than being alive, nothing really matters anymore.”

“You would’ve missed my face too much,” Jiang snorted.

A smile crossed Joseph’s face as he let his eyes rove over the hills and mountains just past this little shitty town. He’d heard it in Jiang’s voice, even when he was trying so hard to sound confident. “Yeah, I probably would’ve.”

“Like, I’m fine as fuck.”

His smile grew wider as he tried not to laugh. “Man, you’re really just going to have to get over it. I don’t find you attractive.” Putting on his best seducing Kavinsky look, he winked at Jiang and said “Do you want me to fuck you that bad?”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Skov almost squealed, bouncing to his feet and covering his ears. “Just no, okay? What is wrong with you people?”

“Nothing in particular. Jiang just apparently wants to have some fun that I cannot provide him.”

Jiang flipped him off before crossing his arms. “Bitch, I can make any man’s dick go up.”

“That’s impressive confidence you got there,” his father snorted as he dragged himself to his feet, brushing off the worst of the dirt on his jeans. “Very impressive indeed.”

“No dick talk,” Skov whined, nudging Jiang with the toe of his shoe. “Can you people be a little mannered? Just once in a while? Like, we came here to be serious, you know.”

Did they? They must’ve been looking for him for some reason. Joseph doubted that they just happened to have wanted to come check out the wreckage of the fairgrounds. “Why are you guys here anyways? Were you looking for me?”

“We went to your place,” Prokopenko answered, finally finding his voice and Joseph was fine with that. This was a much safer form of conversation for dream boy. “Your mom said you and your dad left but didn’t know where.”

“We thought maybe you wanted your car,” Skov finished with a nod. Joseph wanted to know why that floppy ear length hair was still on his head. It was not okay. “So we came here because it’s not like anyone came here to clean.”

No, no one but Joseph would end up cleaning this place up. He was pretty sure he could get Andrey to help and even Diana. His crew would but he was too embarrassed to ask them when he’d put them in danger in this exact place.

Swan cleared his throat and didn’t meet Joseph’s eyes as he said “Uh, you, uh, mentioned-”

“He said you said that you’re going back to Jersey,” Jiang cut in, giving Swan a disappointed look. “We came to get the clear deets.”

Joseph nodded, looking back out at the strip. It was the only decision he’d made recently that wasn’t impulsive. He’d actually thought about it and considered his pros and cons. Right now, the best thing for him was getting out of this crap town and breathing if not healing quite yet. “I think it’s for the best right now.”

“So you were serious.”

“Yeah,” Joseph whispered, “I was serious.”

“Okay,” Jiang said with a confident nod before he nudged Joseph’s healthy foot with a tentative hand. “So is this like a vacation thing or a forever thing? You leaving soon?”

He knew his friends were looking for answers but Joseph had none for anyone. Joseph barely had them for himself. “I don’t know.”

“To number one or number two?”

“Both.”

Skov set his chin on Prokopenko’s shoulder, pursing his lips while scrunching his nose in that funky way that he did. He always ended up looking like a prune like that. “But you think you should?”

Probably. But Joseph knew that if he didn’t sound sure as hell, these guys wouldn’t buy his crap. Dragging his legs into a crossed leg position, Joseph met Skov’s eyes and said with a shrug that he really meant because he had no clue “I guess. Yes. I…” Sighing and setting his chin in his palm, his gaze roving over each of his friends who wore curious expectant looks. “I think that right now, maybe it’s for the best. I think I need a break or something.”

Or something.

Jiang nodded and for some reason, gave each of the guys, especially Swan, a very pointed look. “Whatever you think is best, yo. We’re with you all the way, whatever you need.” He scooted forward, nearly colliding with the pile of ooze he’d been playing with. “We get to visit, right?”

He blinked back in surprise, unable to hide the shock in his voice and heart. “Would you want to?”

“Why the fuck would we not?” Jiang crossed his arms and let out an ugly snort, nudging Swan with his sharp shoulder while throwing a nod in Joseph’s direction. “This dumbass thinks we wouldn’t want to visit. Can you believe that?”

“That’s because he’s a dumbass.”

It was a funny little tingle that was currently occupying his tired heart. It was a tingle that Joseph was sure he hadn’t felt in a very long time. A tingle, really, that he hadn’t felt since his time with Emilio.

Friendship was such a funny funny little thing.

Unwittingly, a smile grew on his face as he stared at the dumbasses before him. His dumbasses. His crew, his buddies, and his friends. Henrietta really hadn’t been all that bad. It had its own horrors and mistakes of his life held within, but so did Jersey. And just like Jersey, he had memories here that were good too. No matter the struggles, Joseph had made new friends who were assholes but were such a diverse bunch of assholes that Joseph would never regret meeting and making friends with. He could talk books with Skov, the nerdiest science shit with Jiang, the meaning of life with Proko, and just about anything with Swan. His crew was worth every inch of idiocy that they put out together.

Joseph wouldn’t trade them for anything.

“I give pretty nice tours of Hoboken, you know.”

“That cake guy has a shop there, doesn’t he?” Prokopenko asked, raising his hand as if they were in class. Which was weird in itself because they rarely bothered to raise their hands in class anyways. “You’re taking me and buying me cake, man.”

“I want to boat on the river!” Skov shouted, his hand flying to the sky. “The river, K!”

Jiang waved his long arm in Skov and Prokopenko’s direction, trying to shut them up. “Nah, nah, he’s gonna show us all those nice ass cars, you idiots.”

“Oh, fuck,” Swan said, his eyes huge as he nodded at fifty miles per hour, “the cars, man. The fucking cars. I need to see them.”

“His house!” Skov cut in with a shout. “People, we need to see his house!”

Nodding as he pointed at Skov, Jiang said quickly “The house, fuck, you’re right.”

“You people need to chill,” Joseph couldn’t help but laugh as his crew continuously kept shouting ridiculous shit. “It’s just a city, Jesus Christ.”

But it was his city and maybe, just maybe, going back was the best decision he’d made yet.

Chapter Text

“I don’t like this,” Diana muttered, her pout growing as she acted like the five year old she wasn’t. It was hard to believe this petulant annoyance was a creepy ass dragon who’d sell Joseph for five bucks. Probably even less actually. “I don’t want to wear it.”

Joseph didn’t bother to answer her as her rolled up the sleeves of his too big shirt he’d given her from the trunk of his car. It’d been sitting for weeks but that wasn’t his problem; she’d have to deal if she wanted to be out and about. Normal people weren’t covered in iridescent scales.

“Joseph.”

“You want to leave here, then you have to wear it,” he replied, moving to the next arm. Her skin was a shocking level of warm but not bad enough for it to burn. He’d have to make sure she didn’t touch anyone. Straightening the roll of her sleeve, he took a step back and examined the freak that was obviously not wearing her own clothes. The pants were way too long. It looked way worse than the shirt. “Maybe we should cut the pants.”

Diana glanced down at her feet, thick cuffs rolled up to her ankles. It was a pair of sweats that’d been stashed for God knew how long and they looked terrible on her tiny figure. Glancing back up at him, she asked “Will it make me look more like a human girl?”

“I don’t think you’ll ever look like a human girl, little freak,” Jiang snorted, coming to stand beside Joseph. The other guys weren’t willing to get near Diana unless they had to, but Jiang was utterly intrigued to no end. It was like proof that the myths and stories that he loved could be very real. “But cutting the pants will help you look less like you’re swimming in your boyfriend’s clothes.”

Doubling over and making a hacking noise that was totally rude and did in fact affect his self-esteem, even from this freak, Diana laughed and pointed at Joseph. “As if! His personality is terrible.”

Goddamn. Why did she have to go for the soft parts? If she’d said he wasn’t looking too hot being all bones and shit, then yeah, okay, she might have a point. But his personality? Clutching his heart where it totally didn’t hurt, Joseph snapped “Look in the mirror! You think your personality is winning you any brownie points?”

His father looked up from his phone where he stood leaning against the Evo, a faint smile on his face before he snorted “You never had a sibling, but damn, you two sure fight like you guys are.”

It probably had to do with the fact that they spent so much damn time with each other after all these years. Rolling his eyes and crossing his arms after sticking his tongue out at Diana, Joseph practically growled “Just take off the damn pants so I can fix it.”

She’d originally had leggings that’d been so full of singed holes that really, it wouldn’t have done much. Thankfully, she’d lost her tail and wings years ago while still in his forest. His subconscious had somehow decided that she was better off without them. She didn’t seem to miss them though; she’d never asked where or why they were gone. Joseph didn’t even think she’d wondered even a tiny bit. It was like she’d never had them or she’d forgotten that she had.

Jiang opened his mouth, probably to say something stupid, when he closed it after seeing the singed leggings still on. “Were you about to make a stupid joke?” Joseph called behind himself as he went to his car to find his scissors.

“Probably,” Prokopenko laughed from a little down the hill, picking up trash with Skov and Swan. Jiang was supposed to be helping after they’d all volunteered to clean while Joseph tried to make Diana presentable but somehow, he’d ended up over here.

Somehow.

“I’d eat him before he could,” Diana snorted.

He couldn’t see Jiang’s face but Joseph was sure that there’d been a grimace. “Yo, freak, why is your answer for everything eating it? That’s unhealthy.”

Their banter echoed in his ears as he stood there, chopping away at his sweats. He cut off a good five or six inches before raising them and giving them a good look. The shirt covered her well enough though he’d have to buy her some fingerless gloves or something for the few shiny scales that covered the tops of her hands. The pants were too big but he could buy her something else later. Joseph didn’t have shoes her size but Skov had given her a pair of slides from his car so all that he had let to tackle was to fix that birdnest of a head and give her a hat.

Normal people didn’t have a pair of horns sticking out of their head. Maybe instead of a hat, he could make it look like she was wearing a headband because she was a total cosplay weeb or something like that.

It could work.

Walking back over to a still arguing Jiang and Diana, Joseph handed her the sweats. “Try that while I grab Skov’s brush.” He hadn’t told her yet that he’d have to cut her hair to fix all the singeing and knots. Something told him she wouldn’t be too happy about it. “We have to fix your hair.”

As he shuffled through Skov’s RX-7, digging for the brush that he knew was always in here, a soft tap on his shoulder paused his search. Only Skov tapped so gently. “What?”

He was still digging under the seat but he could feel Skov’s shadow behind him, leaning closer. “Does it have to be my brush?” Skov whispered, almost like he was worried about the scandal he was to be caught in. “What if she has lice?”

Leave it to Skov to think about something like that. Grabbing the hard handle he found and pulling up the brush, Joseph turned and gave Skov an unimpressed look. “I’ll buy you a new brush.” Joseph waited until Skov finished pursing his lips and nodding before nodding himself and walking back to the mess that awaited him. “Thanks.”

If Diana did have lice, Joseph was shaving her head. He so was not wasting his time with shampoos and shit. Shaved, washed, and if it didn’t grow back, well, that was her problem. “Sit,” he said, pushing down on her shoulder until she reached the floor. He sat behind her and pulled out the scissors he’d been hiding. “I have to cut some-”

Diana covered her head faster than he could guard against her hands. “No!”

Patience was a virtue. Or so he’d heard. “You want to leave here? Then you get cleaned and look presentable. No compromises.”

Diana kept her hands up for a few more seconds before she grudgingly lowered them with a heavy plop into her lap. “Fine. Just don’t make me ugly.”

He’d probably get tackled if he told her that she wasn’t really looking too great anyways. “Yes, ma’am.”

It took time, brushing and brushing and brushing until he had no choice but to start snipping. It wasn’t like he didn’t want her to keep her hair either. She’d look even freakier if she was a shaved head with horns. By the time he was satisfied with her wavy hair now sitting just beneath her jaw, both arms were as tired as the rest of him, his day having started way too early and lasting way too long in the Henrietta heat. There were still some damaged strands here and there but they were randomly spread out around her head. Maybe when they grew, he could cut them out.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Skov said, adding his full trash bag to the pile they’d accumulated so far before walking over to them, “she looks pretty good!”

Diana ran her hands through her hair once, twice, and three times over., flooshing out the edges every time. “It’s so…gone.”

Skov pulled out his phone and crouched in front of her, but there was a noticeable foot between the two of them. “Here, look,” he said, flipping the phone to her after opening the camera. “It looks good.”

Leaning forward, she squinted at herself before making a few faces into the camera. Once she was seemingly satisfied with herself, she sat back and nodded, watching her hair bob with her movements. “It’s okay, I guess.”

“See?”

“You’re a nice boy.”

Joseph couldn’t help but snort, making them both stare at him as he gathered up the pile of Diana’s hair that had been chopped off. “He is a nice boy, isn’t he?” he laughed as he walked over to the trash bags and dumped the hair in. They’d have to stop at a dump or just dump the bags illegally into someone’s dumpster. “That’s what makes Blake Skovron so very Blake Skovron.”

“Amen, papa,” Prokopenko said with loud bursting applauds. “Amen.”

“I think papa loses his rights as papa,” Swan snorted, stripping his gloves off before dumping them in the trash bag he’d lugged with him and tying it shut. He looked good with some sweat on that brow, goddamn. “He tried to abandon his kittens.”

His father’s voice rose just the tiniest bit behind him as it sounded like he was chewing out someone in very ugly Bulgarian that made Blake’s eyes go wide. Wide why, Joseph didn’t know because it wasn’t like Skov even understood what the hell was being said.

To keep it simple, someone named Philip was in big fat trouble for losing something. Joseph kept his eyes on Skov but focused his ears behind himself to listen in as best he could. It didn’t count as eavesdropping if he wasn’t looking, did it?

Behind him, the voice had gone softer, his father having walked further away from them, most likely knowing exactly what Joseph was doing. Philip was still being chewed out for being a dumbass and he was in deep shit if he didn’t find them before they did something to someone.

“Aw shit,” Joseph laughed, clapping his hands in delight at his memory. It worked sometimes and for that he was thankful. Skov blinked wonderingly at him while the rest of his dumbass crew had magically vaporized beside their pup, faces in waiting. Snapping a finger gun to the general populace, he shared “Philip. I know Philip!”

Philip and Ivan had been taking care of the dogs and the warehouse for years. They were the two most annoying yet fun people that his father employed that Joseph had ever met. Or at least, out of the people that he was even allowed to meet in the first place. They were mafia but then they were kind of just like ‘baby’ mafia.

There was only one thing in the world that could have gotten lost because cars did not drive themselves.

“Who’s he?” Jiang asked as he gave Diana a deep deep once over, checking out her hair from all angles. “Not bad, not bad at all.” He nodded at Joseph, “Who’s Philip?”

“Philip and Ivan watch my dad’s main warehouse that has quite a few cars and his mechanics shit where he works.”

Jiang elbowed Swan, a delighted smile on his face like this was the best moment of his sorry life. “That means we’ll be meeting them.”

He had to admire Jiang’s confidence. “They also take care of our dogs that are there.”

Swan’s hands clasped together in pleasure where he crouched between Prokopenko and Jiang. “I want to meet these dogs.”

With a thumb slung over his shoulder in the general direction of his father who was now silent, Joseph reported “The dogs got out.”

Looking apprehensive as if he was even in the same state as the dogs, Skov bit at his thumbnail as he sent a side glance in the direction of Joseph’s father. “That doesn’t sound so gouda. Didn’t you say that they’re big dogs?”

Big was a bit of an understatement, especially when it came to the newest dog it seemed his father had acquired a few months before coming to Henrietta. Doug was closer to old man than spring chicken so he’d been retired. He still lived at the warehouse but was no longer the alpha. Lud and Bic were close to their own retirement after all these years and, according to the dog gossip mill known as Ivo, Lyubov was vying to take the alpha spot from Lud.

A reasonable takeover, Joseph thought.

“Oh for sure,” Joseph answered with a nod, forcing himself not to smile when Skov just went the tiniest bit pale. “Like, Walnut is tall as fuck but she’s just a big old Clifford made of squishy love, man. These dogs are full of squishy love and hard muscles and sharp teeth.”

They weren’t guard dogs for nothing.

“Boris is all hard muscles, sharp teeth, and disobedience,” his father snorted as he came to stand beside Joseph, his sharp eyes running over Diana very carefully. “He doesn’t seem to want the squishy love.” Diana tilted her head the opposite way of his father, each one watching the other closely. “Lyubov tries her best to put him in his place.”

Joseph couldn’t wait to meet the newest addition to their dog family. From the pictures, the seventh month old Rottweiler looked twice the size of Lyubov which was ridiculous because Lyubov herself was big, being that she was a pure bred German Shepard.

“Not bad,” his father murmured, finally turning his gaze away from Diana. “She looks half decent now. But we might have to get her contacts.”

Yeah, her eyes were a problem Joseph didn’t like either. “Maybe people will assume that she’s wearing contacts for like, cosplay, and that’s why they’re like that.”

“It’s a thought.”

“Yo,” Jiang said before waving his head and hand quickly in the ugliest version of almost jazz hands. “I mean, sir, I’m giving you a heads up here that when you all go back to Jersey,” Jiang pointed at Swan, Proko, and Skov, “we’ll be visiting. Probably often.”

His father just shrugged as he glanced around the drag strip that was now looking a little more decent. They weren’t shit what to do with all the Evos yet but Joseph figured the best option was to tow and junk them. There wasn’t much else to do for them anyways. “Good. You guys better hold your word.”

Chapter Text

“I’m telling you,” Jiang repeated for the thousandth time from where he sat, claiming the bean bag for himself as he always did in his growing number of visits. His hair was pressed to his head, the sweat and heat killing the coif he’d attempted that had looked terrible anyways. Even if it was the Henrietta stench weighing down his hair, Jiang looked way better this way. “He said it like a threat.”

Joseph didn’t disagree but he wasn’t going to bother explaining that. If Jiang wanted to feel threatened by Joseph’s father, then he was more than welcome to. It so wasn’t his problem.

His problem was something much bigger. Mainly, a dragon girl.

Ultimately, they’d left Diana at the drag strip. She’d cursed him to hell and back but had eventually reluctantly agreed. He understood why she’d been upset but until his aunt and cousins left, there was no way he could keep her here. Instead, he and his crew had decided on a schedule between themselves in order to keep an eye on her. Diana had lasted these weeks all by herself but Joseph preferred that she was checked on at least once a day.

Just in case and all.

“Maybe he likes us,” Skov replied as he went through Joseph’s book boxes. He should’ve tapped them shut so sticky little fingers like those didn’t take apart his hard work. “And that’s his way of being all like ‘stay friends with my kid’ or something.”

It was definitely like that but Joseph also said nothing about that either. They were smart assholes; they could figure shit out by themselves.

“You’re already packing?”

They all looked over at Swan who had just walked in after a trip to the bathroom once they’d gotten here. His claim was that he needed to wipe of all the sweat and stench. Jiang said he was hiding bathroom problems. Why it mattered, Joseph didn’t know nor did he care. It could be both for all he cared. “Yeah,” Joseph replied with an easy shrug. He would not be talked out of this. “There’s a lot of shit in this room, man. No one is going to pack it for me.”

His mother might but that was beside the point.

“I just…” Swan scratched above his ear at his ever growing hair, “I didn’t think it was all so fast. Like packing already.”

Joseph wasn’t exactly when sure when he was leaving either. He hadn’t even told his mother his plan yet. But it’d take him awhile to pack and if he didn’t start now, he might end up thinking himself out of his choice. “Like I said, a lot of shit to pack.”

Swan nodded, looking more unsure than he ever had. Except for maybe when Joseph had been talking about his forest the day before the Fourth. The third. Or the day before that. Or something. Those days had been nothing but a blur until the actual party. Nothing had mattered at that point.

And now, well, nothing mattered at this point either. He was back to square one except he had like fifty mother ducks above his head with killer surveillance skills. “No one kill me for this question,” Joseph began as he returned his focus to the ceiling so that he didn’t have to look at the annoyance he knew he’d receive, “but by any chance, has-”

“Lynch never gave a shit and he still doesn’t.”

That was the specific person he’d been expecting the annoyance from.

“And anyways,” Jiang continued in a disgusted voice, the bean bag giving a little huff beneath him, “we don’t want him to. The further he keeps his distance, the better.”

He frowned with hope that no one would catch it. Joseph was pretty sure he was over Lynch in forms of attractiveness relationship wise and dreaming wise but he wasn’t too sure. If Lynch came to his door with an offer of shared dreams, Joseph wasn’t so sure he’d be able to reject, even after everything. It wasn’t like he met dreamers left and right.

What Joseph needed was to locate his self-respect and self-esteem. Someone in Henrietta had trashed them and he wasn’t too sure where.

Picking at the skin around his thumb that already had scabs from before, Joseph sighed. The weight of his exhaustion was still sitting on his chest even after such a relieving sigh. He wasn’t even sure if it was just the exhaustion or something else. “You think the GED test is hard?”

“Huh?”

Joseph turned to his photo wall and stared at his one picture of Emilio. In a couple weeks, he should be starting college and in a couple weeks, Joseph was to start his last year of high school. Anka would also be in her last year, albeit she had like a million AP classes under her belt. Her transcripts probably looked way better than his. “I lost a year so technically, I’m supposed to start college.” He studied Emilio’s smile, finding that as much as joy as it gave him, it didn’t give him flutters like before. “I’m the smart one and yet I’m still in high school.”

Emilio couldn’t be ahead of him like this. Or Asen’s brother that he really didn’t know too well but Joseph knew that he was the same age. He couldn’t let two people beat him out, especially if he was going back to Jersey. There was Emilio’s boyfriend too. Being a year behind had never really bothered Joseph before because it just meant it was easier when his brain was a whole grade smarter and faster. It had helped to make sure he didn’t flunk out of Aglionby.

He refused to be the only idiot going to public high school in Jersey.

A snort of ‘whatever’ replied to him and his musings. “I bet it has something to do with the drug abuse, arrests-”

“Jiang!” Skov whispered scandalously, as if that all wasn’t common knowledge in the first place. “Don’t damper his ambition.”

“What are you,” Joseph laughed as he sat up and watched Skov’s entire face and neck flush, “my grandma? Don’t damper my ambition?”

It was cute though. Thoughtful at the least.

“Well, I mean!” Tossing hands to the air and getting to his feet, Skov snapped in frustration “If you think you can do it, then do it! Accomplish something with that brain you brag about!”

Why was he being yelled at? “Are you mad because I’m smarter than you?”

“You wish!”

“Omg, nerd fight!” Jiang exclaimed, his raucous laughs and claps turning the whole room into a boxing match. Prokopenko whooped and clapped before reaching into his pocket and tossing his entire wallet onto the coffee table. Jiang snatched it and waved it around, “We got bets, bitches!”

Joseph laughed which only made Skov purse his pouty lips, making his cheeks rise into his eyes. His bruise was ugly as ever but now it was only uglier as it healed. “We can do a math test if you want.”

“No! That’s hardly fair!” Skov huffed and dropped onto the coffee table, crossing his arms as he sent a glare. “Your math brain works at like a hundred miles per hour. If we’re doing a smarts test then it has to be on an even playing field.”

“If he’s already beating you in math by your admission,” Swan snorted, his back against the sliding door of Joseph’s tiny balcony, “then doesn’t that mean he’s already smarter?”

Skov was actually smarter than him in a lot of things just as Joseph was smarter than Skov in other things. But he wasn’t going to demolish this line of thinking if it won him Prokopenko’s wallet. “No,” Skov answered, his flush easing, if only because he was starting to get annoyed. If there was one thing you didn’t question, it was Skov’s intelligence. “He might be faster at math but that doesn’t mean he’s smarter. By that logic, Jiang is smarter because he knows chem better than all of us.”

Jiang was seemingly pleased by the answer as he nodded and shoved Prokopenko’s wallet into his pocket. “You’re right, I deserve this more.”

“Hey, hey,” Joseph muttered as he got to his feet and took the few steps to tower over Jiang, holding his hand out. “Gimme some. I want all his loyalty cards.”

Even with the baby boot on his foot, Prokopenko shot up from the floor and rolled his way over to Jiang, reaching for his pocket. “Take the cash, not the food!”

It was a brawl of three hands for one pocket and one wallet. Cash wasn’t worth as much as all of the food loyalty cards that Prokopenko had. He had one for every restaurant and coffee shop in town. Even the new tea place that had opened already had a place in his wallet.

“You’re lucky you have sausage ass hands,” Jiang snapped as if the wallet Proko had retrieved wasn’t originally his. “Fuck ass hands.”

Joseph stared at his ET fingers that had lost the best loyalty cards in town. “Are my hands ugly?”

“Are you insecure about your hands?”

The answer was actually yes but he wasn’t about to tell Jiang that. Maybe he’d tell Swan or Skov or even the old Prokopenko. Maybe even the new one. Jiang would just laugh at him. “They’re bony ass motherfuckers.”

“Like the rest of you. It’d be weirder if they didn’t match.” Glancing behind himself to Swan, Jiang asked “What do you think of his bony ass hands?”

Giving Jiang a disinterested look in his very blue shirt, Swan replied “As buddies, I don’t give a crap about his hands. As an ex, that’s our business.”

He was embarrassed to admit even to himself how he was trying his best to not actually talk with Swan or pay him any mind. It wasn’t the easiest thing in the world to act like they hadn’t fought or shared intimate moments. In his logical mind, Joseph could separate his buddy Swan from his ex lover Finlay but Joseph was barely ever in his logical mind.

“What do you think of Isha’s hands?” Joseph countered with a smug smirk. If there was one thing Jiang would never let them stick their noses in, it was anything to do with Isha. Jiang was like the biggest damn hypocrite when it came to this shit. “Are they as cute as he is?”

“Keep my boy out of your filthy mouth,” Jiang snorted, crossing his arms with a challenge. He glared up at Joseph with a dangerous look and Joseph knew he was about to say something he wasn’t going to like, just from those eyes. “How’d you like your boy’s hands?”

Joseph raised a brow, ignoring the tightness and pain it brought with it. Was that all? Giving Swan a quick glance before looking back at Jiang, Joseph just shrugged. “Honestly, I don’t think I’ve thought as far as Swan’s hands. I like the rest of him so I guess I like his hands too.”

There would never be a time where he would get over the novelty of being able to talk so openly about all of this.

“Nah, nah,” Jiang said, waving Joseph off with that dangerous hand, “I’m talking about your first boo, man. I’ve seen enough of Swan’s hands to last me a lifetime.”

His first boo. Out of the five people in this room, only one didn’t know about Joseph’s previous boo. That one person was very sensitive to being left out. “The first boo.”

Skov glanced between them, his lips already getting tight, but his eyes not yet reaching the glow of annoyance. Clearing his throat and setting his hands in his lap, Skov said in such a tight little voice “The first boo?”

The was no point in denying anything. Skov wouldn’t have been upset about not knowing if everyone hadn’t known either but everyone did and Skov was once more a piece of chopped liver. It wasn’t that Joseph had to feel guilty about it but he did just a little because he was also often times a piece of chopped liver.

But he didn’t feel that guilty. There was no reason to. Dropping back down onto his bed, he reached up to the San Diego picture and held it out for Skov to see. “This,” he began, pointing at Emilio as Skov’s chopped liver eyes lit up with the joy of inclusion, “was my first boyfriend-”

“Aw, shit, wait,” Jiang interrupted as he dragged himself off the bean bag and across the small distance to them, his head popping up beside Skov’s, “I’ve never seen what he looks like.”

He didn’t bother to give Jiang any attention; this was Skov’s moment because they were all apparently such needy assholes that needed separate attention all the damn time. “He was also my first friend. We’d been together like a month before this picture.”

“He’s fuck ass cute, damn,” Jiang said softly to himself. “Bet he’s even cuter now. I’d tap that.”

It was the hardest thing in the world not to respond with more than just an eyeroll. Taking the picture from Joseph’s hand, Skov looked it over with a careful eye before pointing at the Joseph in the photo. “This guy here looks pretty happy and actually moderately healthy.”

“That’s what I said when I saw it too,” Swan called from the floor where he and Prokopenko were half-assing a slap game. It was like watching two flopping fish. “It’s totally wack that the dude in the photo is our depressed boy right there.”

“Are you judging my depression?”

“Nope. I’m judging you.”

“Could you do that dream thing as a child too?” Skov asked curiously, his eyes still for the photograph.

Unfortunately. “Since I was seven.”

Skov nodded, but Joseph felt there were still questions in that expression. “Did this boy know?”

Another unfortunately but this time to the negative. Joseph shouldn’t get stuck on the what could’ve been but the thought had been haunting him since he’d read Emilio’s letter. What if he’d just told? How would things have gone?

Would life have taken a better route? And now that they were here at this point, would things turn for the better, even if it was late?

Glancing down at his hands, Joseph picked at a scab near his thumb and replied “Not at the time but he knows now.”

Skov said something but Joseph hardly heard it over the gears turning in his head. Emilio knew and had said it was fine. He even knew about Joseph’s father and Prokopenko. He didn’t even know Prokopenko so it wasn’t the same as the wary looks Swan gave both him and Proko every now and then. Joseph was made up in going back to Jersey but where did that put him and Emilio? Emilio had said that everything was good between them in the letter but couldn’t it be entirely different in person?

“K?”

Flicking his eyes up at Skov who wore a concerned expression before looking at Jiang and his raised eyebrow, Joseph rubbed at the back of his neck and watched his friends watching him. “I think…”

Chapter Text

“Can you get me Emilio’s number?”

His father looked up at him where he was lying on the floor of the living room. Joseph wasn’t so sure what was wrong with the couches or any of the chairs but it wasn’t worth the questions. Rolling onto his back after tossing his phone onto the couch, his father stared for a few moments before answering “In theory.”

Shoving his hands into the pockets of his soccer pants, Joseph gnawed with careful teeth on his damaged lip. “Only theory?”

Tapping his finger on his stomach that no longer had the defined muscles that it used to, his father said nothing and settled for more staring. Joseph wasn’t so sure what exactly was so complicated about a phone number or why it required so much staring. If he wanted to, his father could literally get the address of the highest profile diplomats visiting the US. Hell, he could get the ones out of the United States too. What made his father powerful wasn’t just the fear and respect he instilled, but the information he owned and brokered. Fear kept people in line, respect kept them loyal, and information kept his father on top.

“It’d take a minute or two,” his father admitted, attempting a shrug while he laid there, “maybe less even. The question becomes what do you want it for?”

If that was the only question, then it was a stupid one. “Obviously to…contact him?”

“Why?”

“What kind of stupid question is that?” Joseph couldn’t help but snap, his fists clenching in his pockets. If he’d known he would end up subject to an interrogation, he wouldn’t have bothered asking this asshole for help. He was sure that if he looked around enough, he could find Emilio’s number on the internet or something. “Because I want to? Is that good enough for you?”

Joseph knew that if it wasn’t for all the shit they’d been through, he’d never get away with the tone he was using right now. Pretty soon, his father would start drawing the line of disrespect again. He wouldn’t let Joseph get away his rudeness forever. Anyways, it wasn’t like Joseph wanted to be rude in any particular way, it was just…this man was frustrating, to say the least.

“It’s not worth getting so uppity about it,” his father replied, entirely at ease as he watched Joseph and his little hissy fit. Uppity wasn’t his father’s type of word at all. He probably had jacked it from tetíncho. “Actions need to be thought through. You want to talk to him? That’s fine but you should prepare yourself in the matter that it isn’t just going to be Joseph and Emilio again. The puzzle pieces aren’t going to magically bring Broseph and Bromilio back together.”

He obviously knew that. In theory. Joseph wasn’t looking for a boyfriend rekindling but he was hoping for the sparks of friendship to light back up. Realistically, he knew that the sparks wouldn’t just birth flame from the first moment. That was why he wanted to get their pedals moving before he got to Jersey. Get them all softened up before they were face-to-face. Joseph wasn’t going back to Jersey for nothing; he wanted his life back if there was to be one.

“I’m not an idiot.”

Intelligent eyes scanned him carefully before shrugging. It was like his father was either warning him not to get his hopes up or was testing his resolve. The gesture was nice but his father didn’t know that Joseph and Emilio had already exchanged a letter. If Joseph could do all that confessing, then he could handle an awkward phone call.

Or so he figured.

Reaching for his phone with a blind hand until he wiggled it over the edge with a finger, his father flipped it around to himself and opened it up. Joseph couldn’t see from where he stood but he waited patiently until his father held up the phone for him, a contact page open.

A contact page for Emilio Vidal.

Joseph held his tongue as he accepted the phone. He wasn’t going to push the slack he was being given by going off on his father. Why he had Emilio’s number, Joseph didn’t know nor was he going to ask. All that fuss about ‘in theory’ or whatever and the man had the number on his phone this whole time.

“You’re not going to ask?”

He was baiting him to push. “Nope,” Joseph lied as he copied the number to his phone. His right arm was tired from just holding up the phone but it’d have to deal. This was important. “I’m sure you have a reason or whatever.”

Once the info was saved on his own phone, Joseph gave his father’s back with a quick thanks and walked back to his room, nearly colliding with his mother at the top of the stairs. His phone tumbled from his grasp onto the carpet. “Oops, sorry, baby,” his mother laughed as she reached down and grabbed his phone for him. “You’d think we wouldn’t miss each other.”

She paused as she looked at the contact still open on his phone because he’d stared at it through his entire ascend. It wasn’t that he cared if she looked but his stomach bubbled a little in worry that she’d try to talk him out of it or something. His mental health was more important to her than rekindling an old friendship.

Plus, he had yet to tell her about Jersey.

Handing the phone over, she gave him a small smile but said nothing. Joseph gave Emilio’s name one last look before pocketing the phone and giving her a small shrug in response to the smile. “So, um, I’m thinking that maybe gonna…” his train of thought tumbled off as he looked down at the beige carpet, his mother’s eyes to steady to keep looking into. “Uh, to go back.”

“Back?”

The sentence hadn’t even been probably said but she was letting him roll with it instead of picking on his grammar. “Jersey.”

Home.

“I see,” she murmured, resting her arm on the railing as she tilted her head and watched him. “You want to go back? Finish school there?”

Yes. And no. He was too embarrassed to go to high school when the people he knew were already done. Anka didn’t count because she was younger than him which technically made it worse because they were in the same grade.

Joseph was smarter than all of them. Maybe even combined.

If there was some way where Joseph could at least get into a community college this late in the summer, then Joseph wanted to try. If Joseph was living, then he was going to do it right until his ambition went kapoot on him. And if he couldn’t get in, then Joseph was settling for homeschool whether his mother liked it or not.

“I think. I already packed some of my bookcase.”

“You sure?”

Yes. No. Maybe. He hated being questioned on decisions because then he had to wonder if he was making the wrong choice. Meeting her eyes head on, Joseph said with as much confidence as he could “But I want to homeschool-”

“Joseph-”

“Or get my GED.”

His mother sighed and grabbed the bridge of her nose after closing her eyes. Joseph didn’t understand her obsession with him having to go to a school. “Sweetheart,” she finally began after opening her eyes, “I want to do what you want but I really think-”

“Why does it matter where I go?” he couldn’t help but snap before trying to hold his tongue behind his teeth. He’d already pushed borderline rude with his father and with the man still on the floor in the living room and well within ear shot in this quiet house, Joseph couldn’t go any further. His father hated disrespect as it was but when it came to the Lady Kavinsky, he would get even angrier. “As long as I’m not dead, what’s the issue?”

“If we’re going to keep it that simple,” his mother snorted as she crossed her arms and glared back, “then you might as well just be brain dead in a hospital. You’re not dead, so what’s the issue?”

He wouldn’t admit that what she said hurt. This whole problem was his fault anyways when he’d started it. “I don’t see why it’s a problem where I go to school. As long as I finish, who cares?”

Admittedly, Joseph wasn’t sure when was the last time he’d seen his mother roll her eyes so hard and fast. Shaking her head and finishing her walk to and down the stairs, she called behind herself “Do whatever you want. I don’t give a crap.”

Great, now he had to feel guilty about it. As if he didn’t have enough problems.

With a sigh, Joseph finished the trek to his room. It was empty, Walnut not even bothering to sleep with him anymore. But then, she’d just be a hazard to his poor body so maybe it was for the best. “Fuck me,” he sighed as he laid down on his bed, nearly tripping on a box of books that Skov had pushed to the side.

Except the side was just in the way, of course.

He held his phone up above him with his good arm and stared at Emilio’s name. They’d already done letters; how awkward could a phone call be? A few years apart didn’t mean anything when they’d had such a deep friendship, right?

Joseph didn’t know.

What if he called and things got really awkward? What if they didn’t know what to say to each other? What if despite Emilio’s words, there really was no going back or any type of rekindling? He was embarrassed to admit it but Joseph was scared. If there really was no rekindling for them, Joseph wasn’t too sure what he’d do. He wasn’t sure that there was a way for him to push through if Emilio had moved on from their friendship.

Sighing as he shut his eyes and let his phone drop down beside him, Joseph decided that maybe Emilio was a problem for another day.

Or two.

The days dragged on of him packing, kind of eating, kind of not just wallowing, and of hanging out with his crew at home or at the fairgrounds. Any day now, Joseph was sure Diana would somehow stash herself in his trunk to make it home with him so he always made sure to check the car before leaving.

It just wasn’t the right time to bring home a dream creature.

He’d had two sessions with Dr. Cho so far, dragging his sad excuses of paintings with him. Despite how much he didn’t want to admit it, he actually enjoyed laying down the colors on paper. It wasn’t so much about the whole ‘feeling therapy’ thing for him as much as it was just relaxing. His long tired day would always end with quiet and the smell of acrylics, the smooth brush motions emptying his mind of nothing but focus.

Joseph had told Dr. Cho as much. She’d seemed pleased by his admittance as if her life depended on his enjoyment. He’d wanted to tell her that it was his life that depended on it but there was no reason to make things more morbid than they needed to be.

With his monotone days of essentially nothing, Joseph wasn’t happy per se. Happy was a little extreme. But, he could say that he was content and, well, content was pretty good for a guy like him.

“Who wants to help sponge bath me?” Joseph asked as he walked into his mother’s room with his extra large, extra soft sponge in hand. It was his mother’s room but both parents were inside of it, one on the floor and one on the bed. His father hadn’t pushed the matter of them sharing a room since he came and since his mother didn’t offer, his father remained in one of the many spare rooms. “I can pay you in Kit-Kats.”

His mother glanced up from her laptop and, very surprisingly, waved him off. “I prefer to be paid in Hershey’s. Ask your bashtá.”

Like Joseph, his father seemed confused but nonetheless, got to his feet from the floor and his phone and gestured for Joseph to walk to his room. “What’s she so focused on?” Joseph couldn’t help but ask, his brain buzzing in curiosity. There were very few things that would hold his mother back from helping him.

“She’s researching homeschools in Jersey,” his father answered, taking out a big black bag from the box they kept in Joseph’s room just for his bathing process. “She said if she’s going to allow it, she’s putting you in the hardest one to teach you a lesson.”

Joseph snorted and rolled his eyes as he took a seat on his bed. His mother was a Dobreva but damn, did she have pettiness like a proper Kavinsky. “She always has to take things to the extreme.”

Cutting out patches with expert precision because it was like second nature to him at this point, his father rubbed at his nose with the scissors getting a little too close to his eye. “Just because she’s going to give you what you want, doesn’t mean she won’t have conditions.”

Yeah, he knew that by now. Resting his heel on his father’s knee, Joseph muttered “I really don’t see what the huge deal is.”

The duct tape squealed as his father stretched out a piece. “She wants you to socialize and not be all brood and gloom in your room by yourself.”

“I’m with her! That’s even better.”

“Even us mama’s boys shouldn’t be too attached to our mothers,” his father laughed as he tore another piece of tape. “It’s a little unhealthy, child.”

Joseph knew that being that attached to your mother, whether you were a guy or a girl, wasn’t healthy. But it wasn’t necessarily about his mother in this case as much as it was just using her as an excuse that someone was home with him. He didn’t understand this attached importance to a physical high school. But, hey, if she was willing to put him in one as long as it was difficult, then he was fine. He wasn’t smart for nothing.

Hopefully.

Chapter Text

Joseph was once again staring down at Emilio’s number.

He had a direct line of contact now and he had the mild ambition even. But mild ambition was apparently not even close to enough. He could spend minutes upon hours staring down at the contact page and yet he couldn’t do it. It was ridiculous to admit but Joseph was pretty sure that he was afraid. What if it all went wrong? He wasn’t too sure that his heart could take it right now, not with everything that was complicated as it was.

There was too much crap on his plate as it was. Adding Emilio’s possible rejection to it was not something he thought that he could handle.

At least, not today. Maybe tomorrow. Or the day after.

Or maybe after that.

He had to be ready eventually, didn’t he? When that eventually was, Joseph had no clue, but it had to come around. Hopefully before Jersey. He was pretty sure it’d be harder once he actually got there. Plus, he needed to solve his problems here first. Leaving things undone and unsaid was probably one of his less genius ideas. All it would cost him is probably a little bit of pride but that was fine. It was about all he had left at this point but screw it. He’d grow it back eventually.

Maybe.

With a sigh, Joseph dropped his phone beside him on the bed and rubbed at his face as carefully as possible. The minor burns along the side of his head were better but he was being careful of his hand. He was getting use to using it as he pleased which it wasn’t ready for. He needed to be more delicate before he crapped up all the surgery work that took forever to do. If his arm was going to be ugly from scarring, Joseph hardly wanted to make it even worse by being negligent.

Care for his arm, and the rest of his burns of course, along with his paintings were about the only things that he really bothered to put his care into. Those and packing but packing didn’t really require too much thought. Joseph just had to be sure to pack his fragile stuff with a careful hand.

Dragging himself to his feet, Joseph trudged his way through the house until he found Andrey chilling in a pool chair outside. He wasn’t as covered as he should be so Joseph stayed under the outcrop of the roof, covered by the shade. “What’re you doing?”

Andrey took his attention from his phone and glance back to Joseph. He shrugged, “Texting Ivet. You?”

Not texting a lover, that was for sure. He was barely even texting his friends. “Not much,” Joseph snorted, his hands in his pockets, “Just kind of…doing nothing.” His cousin nodded and returned his attention to Ivet. Joseph sighed before he said softly “Must be nice. Being on good terms and whatever.”

“It is. We don’t typically shoot the petty shots at each other. Might have something to do with it.”

Ouch. Joseph shook his head, a smile forming despite the insult. Leave it to Andrey to call him out. “It’s the Kavinsky tongue, man. We have nasty ones.”

“Mean is the word that you should be looking for.”

“Okay. Mean.”

Nodding while still looking at his phone for a good minute, Andrey got to his feet and made his way over to Joseph, dragging him in with him. “Take me to your preppy school.”

“Preppy school, my ass,” Joseph snorted though he let Andrey drag him along to the stairs. “Why would I do that?” Joseph was avoiding Aglionby as best he could, not to drag Andrey there to amuse him. “Not a chance. Plus, your mom gave my mom your brochure for this damn school. It’s your fault.”

“Maybe,” Andrey conceded, his grip still on Joseph’s wrist as he dragged them into Joseph’s room. He only let go once he’d sat on the bed and pointed at Joseph’s closet. “Put on some sun-safe clothes and let’s go see your man.”

Joseph snorted but did as he was told. He was too bored to fight against something to do. Andrey wanted to go out? Fine, but Joseph sure as hell wasn’t going to Aglionby. He’d just take him to 37+. Maybe he could convince Andrey to let him eat something if he got froyo instead of ice cream. Or maybe like, sugar-free or something.

“You should teach me to drive before we get back to Jersey.”

His head paused in the collar of his long sleeve before he pulled himself all the way through and stared at Andrey who was messing with a loose string from Joseph’s comforter. “You can’t drive?”

His cousin glanced up and shrugged, “I live in Jersey. I don’t need to drive. I can walk almost everywhere or take the bus.”

Granted, that was true. Most people in Jersey were walkers before they were drivers but for Andrey not to have learned? “Can Anka?” Ivet had been taught by his father when she’d turned sixteen.

“Nah.”

Too bad for Anka that Joseph didn’t want to bother teaching her annoying ass. Maybe when she had a better attitude, he’d give it a shot. “Then you have to learn before we leave.”

A light lit Andrey’s eyes before he asked “When do we leave, you think? I’m pretty sure everyone is sort of just waiting on you. But I know tétka wants you to get back before school starts.”

It was a question he had no answer for. Joseph knew that eventually, whether he liked it or not, he’d really have to answer that question. Sooner rather than later. Maybe even tomorrow or the day after. He couldn’t push it off forever. “I don’t know yet,” he sighed as he set a cap on his head and waved Andrey to follow. “I have things that need to be…fixed.”

“Oh, that you do,” Andrey laughed, practically bouncing down the stairs past Joseph. “What do you think I’m dragging you to school for?”

The fact that Andrey thought that he could fix Joseph and Finlay was cute, if not frustrating. It was not that simple. Especially for an outsider like Andrey to come in and play with. “Bold of you,” Joseph said as he grabbed his mother’s keys, “but what makes you think that I’d let you?”

“I may be Simeonov and not Kavinsky,” Andrey snorted as they got into the Audi, “but I can be just as stubborn. Have you met my father? Or my Dobrev mother for that matter.”

Joseph just rolled his eyes as he turned on the car. They’d towed his back to the house but it needed a good cleaning, a new battery, and some cosmetic fixing. That was all he had found so far but for all he knew, once he actually got it to turn on, he’d find a load of other problems. “I’ve heard of them, yeah.”

“You want your man or not?”

He did, Joseph just didn’t think that Andrey would care so much to butt in like this.

“You’ll be amazed how far apologies go. You don’t want to go back home and then regret not fixing all this before you left, do you?”

Andrey always talked too much.

“This way,” his cousin continued as he watched the scenery flash by, oblivious to the annoyed thoughts Joseph was having towards him, “you leave with as little regrets as possible. A clean slate.”

Joseph knew that there was no such thing as a clean slate for a guy like him. Not after everything he’d done, especially here in Henrietta. He’d obviously become an afterthought to that bullshit Lynch but was it right to just leave? But then…it wasn’t like he’d asked after him anyways. As far as Joseph knew, no one outside of his crew, John, and Isha had actually bothered. It was like his suicide attempt was a good thing for the town. It would’ve been even better if he hadn’t made it.

Henrietta and its people wanted a clean slate from him. Like he was just a bad dream that had blown in and was now gone. They ignored him like he’d actually seriously died and quite frankly, that hurt. He didn’t think he was that bad. It wasn’t like he’d started out that way either; Henrietta had done this to him. The town, the people, the magic, Liam, Jordan, Blue, and Lynch. Gansey and his uppity-ness. Aglionby which wasn’t worth shit.

Dr. Cho was right. Not everything was always his fault.

“I don’t know about that,” Joseph murmured, turning into the parking lot of 37+. Andrey gave him a skeptical glance but held his tongue. “Kind of hard to clean the slate that I have.”

“We’ll use Mr. Clean’s magic eraser and some elbow grease, don’t worry.”

“I’m leaving in a week.”

Finlay stared at Joseph who was perched against one of 37+’s very pink tables. The entire crew had gotten a text to meet him here but Finlay had been surprised when he’d found Andrey with him. It seemed like the news was news to Andrey too as he threw a side glance over at his cousin.

“A week?” Skov squeaked, almost horrified. He was the youngest at fifteen but even then, Finlay felt like he should be over squeaking by now. His voice had gotten a little deeper since they’d met but damn. “That’s like no time!”

“I agree with our pups,” Jiang said, slinging his thumb over to Skov and his scandalized face. Joseph watched them impassively, his arms crossed ever so carefully. “What the hell can we accomplish in a week? And plus, you guys can’t even pack your house that fast.”

Joseph shrugged, “More than half that shit we don’t need or want. We can donate it or something.”

Andrey was sitting on one of the pink striped chairs, chin in hand as he watched Joseph curiously. Obviously whatever they had been talking about when they’d all walked in had nothing to do with this topic. “This news to you too?” Finlay finally asked. He wasn’t going to tip toe around K’s bullshit. “Because you’re looking as confused as us.”

“If he wants to leave within the week, then he does,” Andrey said without a care, almost off putting in a way that Finlay hadn’t seen from him yet. It seemed like attitude problems ran in the family. “It’s as simple as that.”

Finlay wasn’t impressed. “Really?”

Cocking his head to the side, Joseph cut in with a silky smooth voice. “Problem, Finlay?”

“Running from your problems seems to be a bad habit of yours.”

He hummed and used to fingers to scratch along his jaw, his face dangerously blank. Obviously Kavinsky and Joseph weren’t two different people but he was so used to them being relatively separate that seeing them inhabit at one time was almost strange. “The problem was solved. We broke up.” He raised his hands and shrugged with a smirk playing over his lips, “Oh well.”

“Man, you are an annoying cookie,” Jiang muttered.

“Wait, wait,” Skov interrupted, waving his hands around at everyone to cut off any speech that may come, nearly slapping Prokopenko in the mouth where he sat munching a yellow spoon, ice cream long gone. “Stop. We are not fighting all over again. I’m getting allergies.”

The corner of Joseph’s mouth tilted up into a smile. “From fighting?”

“Yes. So stop.” Running a hand through his ruffly hair, Skov rested his elbows on the table and said “You think home is best, that’s cool. You know what’s best for you. But pushing us aside is rude and isn’t happening on my watch.” Joseph opened his mouth to speak but Skov stopped him. “You don’t like to solve your problems, that’s cool, no one does. But we’ve all gone through too much together to get such treatment. I didn’t cry my eyes out over you in a coma for nothing. Treat us the way we deserve.”

Joseph scratched above his ear, watching Skov intently. “What is it that you think you all deserve?”

“Basic decency to start.” Skov crossed his arms and raised a brow, looking older and wiser than his prodigy ass ever could. “We don’t have to keep playing this game of mean and nice. Either you want your friends or you don’t. You don’t get to mess with everyone’s feelings when you feel like it and come calling everyone back when the time is right. We’re not little ragdolls that you pull left and right to your whims. You can act like an ass all you want but don’t expect to keep your friends like that.”

They all watched Joseph silently, not a word nor sound escaping his lips as he tilted his head in thought, watching Skov with keen eyes. Eyes like now were as rare as a pink pony. None of them had ever known Joseph when he was sober and having him sober now was making Finlay, maybe all of them, learn new things by the minute.

The bell of the door chimed, catching everyone’s attention but Joseph’s who was still watching Skov. His gaze only slid to their apparent guest when he noticed that he was walking over to their little crowd. “Kavinsky!” Charles call me Chuck shouted with glee like he had ever gave a damn, “Long time no see! No one thought you’d stay on the land of the living, man.”

Somehow, having a sober Kavinsky was creepier than having a high one as his face morphed into something dangerous, his body buzzing in defense and anticipation.

Chuck came to a stop beside Kavinsky, his arm reaching out to lay on a hand on a bony shoulder before one look from Kavinsky froze him in place. With a nervous laugh, Chuck shoved his hands in his pockets and gave his best smile. “Who would’ve thought you’d live, huh?”

“Not you, apparently,” Kavinsky replied, his voice smooth and slick like a knife. “Why don’t you buy your ice cream and fuck off?”

Unfazed, Charles call me Chuck shrugged and glanced around, his eyes resting on Andrey in the seat beside where he stood. “Nice to meet you,” he said, sticking his hand out, “Chuck. A buddy of Kavinsky’s.”

Kavinsky’s head cocked, almost like a crow watching its prey. “Buddy? Since when? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Andrey took the hand and shook it, but his focus was on his cousin. “Andrey. Nice to meet you.”

“There’s nothing nice about Charles, Andrey,” Kavinsky snorted, his face contorting into something ugly as he added with a sneer, “He’ll try to use you as fast as he can before he talks shit behind your back. Unfortunately for him, he’s not as sly about it as he thinks he is.”

“Man,” Chuck laughed, looking annoyed to hell. Kavinsky’s breakdown of Chuck’s personality wasn’t wrong in the least. Finlay didn’t like the guy since he’d met him. Him and Jiang had even had the idea of jumping his once just for the hell of it but Jiang was worried he’d be thrown out from the dorm. “You’d think death would’ve made you a little humble but nah, you just came back even worse. Guess even the devil rejected you, huh?”

Andrey was the closest to both Charles and Kavinsky but he probably didn’t know how to read K’s body language the way that the rest of them did because the minute Finlay saw Kavinsky’s shoulders go taunt and his fingers flick, he knew what was coming. If Kavinsky’s body wasn’t in such a delicate condition, then Finlay wouldn’t give a damn. He could beat the pulp shit out of Chuck all he wanted.

Kavinsky swung hard and fast, the tiniest crease of pain crossing his features which worsened once his fist connected. Skov was surprisingly already moving, not one to usually try and get in the middle of K’s anger. The punch had already been thrown, Chuck holding his nose in surprise as blood dripped from beneath it. “No, no, no,” Skov said quickly, grabbing Kavinsky’s face with both hands. Kavinsky flinched in surprise, his eyes wide but he did nothing but stare down at their pint-sized pup. “No.”

It took a good second or two but eventually, Kavinsky woke from his surprise and pushed off Skov’s hands with a finger. “Don’t touch my face.”

Giving his best pup smile, Skov clasped his hands behind his back and laughed “Aw, you worried about pimples, K?”

Kavinsky rolled his eyes as he and Skov went back and forth while Finlay threw a wad of napkins at Chuck. “You got what you earned. Fuck off, man.”

Chuck flicked his eyes to Kavinsky who was messing with Skov’s unruly hair before returning to Finlay. It was like his mood had completely flipped just from Skov’s attention. “And what if I decide to complain?”

The fuck? “Who the hell can you complain to? Boohoo, Kavinsky punched me?” Finlay snorted and shrugged, “You’ll just be a laughing stock.”

Shoving napkin up his nose, Chuck muttered in a nasally voice “He literally could’ve killed everyone, Swan. Maybe you forgive but I sure don’t. I almost fucking died from his damn party.”

Maybe he’d tell K to have people sign liability contracts or something. Everyone was happy until things went bad then they wanted to cry about it. In this case, maybe they had a right. Maybe. But Charles call me Chuck sure didn’t. He’d wanted in on it and that was what came with the job. “Then don’t go to the next one.”

“Really.”

Finlay shrugged, unsure what else to say. It wasn’t like Chuck could just go and sue Kavinsky or something. It’d happened and everyone was mostly alright. That was that. “I don’t know what to tell you, man. It’s over and done with.”

He was pretty sure the only one still suffering from the aftereffects was Kavinsky. It wasn’t like the rest of the town seemed to care anyways. They acted like Kavinsky hadn’t even existed even though he was still very much here. Once he went to New Jersey, Finlay was sure Henrietta would down right erase K from history like it had all just been a nightmare.

Chapter Text

“So a week, huh?”

Joseph sighed around his extremely yellow spoon. He’d convinced Andrey to let him get a child’s scoop of sugar-free froyo. It wasn’t as delicious as it could be but at least he’d gotten to get something. “I guess.”

Andrey flicked a glance his way. Joseph had brought him to the fairgrounds with him, in the need of some quiet but not solitude. He also wanted to check on Diana and out of all of his aunt’s family, Joseph trusted Andrey more than anyone.

The irony was never lost on him.

“You sounded so sure back there.”

He hadn’t noticed when Charles call me Chuck had left but once Skov was willing to stop being annoying, Joseph had reiterated his departure. If he was to get settled before school, there wasn’t much time left and if he just kept trying to push it until later, he’d never reach Jersey. Seeing his crew had made him decide. Whether they liked it or not, whether he liked it or not, things had to change. They were just going to keep cycling into the same damn hole they’d been in.

“You’re not leaving without talking to your friends though. I’ll hold you down.”

Jiang had ended up leaving pissed because Joseph was being too enigmatic for him. Finlay and Prokopenko had left from frustration, leaving their pup the only one with Joseph and Andrey.

“We’re always here for you, you know.” Skov smiled and laughed before he added “A crew needs its ringleader, K!”

It was comforting in ways that it shouldn’t be but Joseph was learning that he was quite weak when it came to Skov. “Why do you care so much?”

Slurping the last of his milkshake with loud and very obnoxious sounds, Andrey ran his straw up and down through the lid. He laughed as his straw screeched against the plastic lid before smiling at Joseph. “Should I not? You’re always going to be a brother to me. We’ve fought like brothers, laughed, and even cried together. Of course I care. And I know you care about me just as much even if you’re trying to act all tough guy or whatever.”

Even if it wasn’t a lie, Joseph didn’t want to admit it and make Andrey’s ego inflate. The dude’s ego knew how to grow by the second if nurtured properly.

“Maybe there’s a lot of things you aren’t proud of here,” Andrey continued with a shrug, looking out at the empty fair grounds as they sat on the hood of the Audi, “but there are also important things that you shouldn’t try to forget just because you think you can. Like your friends.”

Tapping his spoon on the bottom of his child sized cup, Joseph murmured “Maybe it’s just easier for me.”

“If it was, you wouldn’t have ended up a wreck here because of the way you left Jersey.”

A fair enough point, he supposed.

“You’re important to your friends and your man and I bet that they’re important to you to.” His straw screeched once more. “Don’t cut yourself off because you’re afraid. You tried that already.”

He was afraid, Joseph knew that. There’d been so many losses in different ways in his life that he was afraid that when he tried to keep something, he’d just end up losing it anyways. He was tired of the ache that came with it all. Sure, right now his crew were saying that they couldn’t wait to visit and shit but once Joseph was gone, wouldn’t that change? Out of sight and out of mind? How did he know that they’d still want them? Wasn’t it better if he was the one doing the dumping instead of getting dumped?

Joseph was sure there was no right answer for this.

Picking at the skin around his nails and thinking that they should head home before he died from heat stroke, Joseph eventually replied softly “I never told you before, but…” he couldn’t help but laugh at himself as he practically whispered “I’ve always been kind of jealous of you.”

“Me?” Andrey said incredulously, using his empty cup to point at himself. “For what? There’s nothing to be jealous for. You’re smarter and handsomer and you don’t have monster ears and-”

“You have your shit together,” Joseph interrupted, trying not to grind his teeth. His body had enough damage right now; he didn’t need to fuck up his teeth too. “You always have. And there’s nothing freaking handsome about an underweight beanpole.” Joseph snorted as he showed how his stupid ET fingers went around his wrist with space to spare. “What the fuck is handsome about that?” Resting his chin in his palm, he muttered “I look like a freaking skeleton.”

In his most insecure moments – which were often – Joseph had had these thoughts. He’d never voiced them and only put on an air of confidence but…

Joseph sighed.

“Well, yeah, you’re underweight-”

“If you say ‘just eat’ or something of that sort, I’m going to punch you.”

Andrey laughed, shaking his head and staring out to the abandoned fair. It’d been fun going through it when he’d first discovered the place and really, Joseph still did. The novelty was not yet gone. “Man, I made a baby at seventeen. What in the hell do I have together? Even you didn’t do that.”

It was a little insulting in the way that he’d said it but Joseph understood what he’d meant.

Bending his straw back and forth with a snort of frustration, Andrey added “I live with my parents, I’m trying to figure out the balance of school and work so my family can stand on its own feet, and you think I have shit together?”

Maybe Andrey would never understand that even with those struggles, that was having order to his life. It wasn’t like Joseph’s where each day was a challenge or even each minute. “You’re in a happy relationship with someone you love, you’re going to school, working, have a good relationship with your family and friends, and you don’t have a filthy drug habit.” He jabbed his tiny ass spoon so hard into his ice cream cup that it snapped between his fingers. “I’d give anything to just have one of those.”

Just one. He wasn’t going to be greedy about it. Joseph wasn’t an idiot; he knew where things stood right now. His relationship with his family, especially with his father, was so tentative at the moment that even if a butterfly landed on it, it’d snap. His relationship had gone to shit in seconds, his friends were an on-again off-again thing, and he wasn’t even sure that he could finish school at this point. He didn’t work nor did he think he could hold a proper job with the state he was in, even discounting his injuries. Joseph’s mental state was shit, not to have the ability to hold a damn job. To be effective in a job.

His life was shit and he knew it. Joseph was lucky that he was so damn self aware.

“Well, I mean, you don’t have the drug habit anymore. That’s a win.”

He snorted as he crushed his cup between his fist. Oh, he had the nasty drug habit just sitting beneath the surface of his current façade. Joseph had been so close and so willing only a few days ago. He hadn’t mastered shit yet. He knew that if cocaine was placed within his vicinity or even just somewhere where he could access it, he’d go for it without a second thought. Hell, if his mother hadn’t hidden his pain pills so that only she or his father could give them to him, Joseph would grind them and snort them in seconds.

The filthy drug habit was still very much existent. “My life is such shit.”

“I think that’s a bit subjective,” Andrey murmured, stretching out his legs with a groan of satisfaction. “You have to see the positives and the negatives. You have a lot of positives that you should always think about.”

Subjective, his ass. “Man, just because you know a few things does not mean you know everything. And everything is shit.”

“Is tétka getting clean shit?”

Joseph turned and gave Andrey what Skovron called the ‘oh, shitsy, you dead’ glare. “That’s the best you could do? That’s what you decide to pick?”

Andrey met his glare with one of his own, his chin raised in challenge. “If everything is shit, then that’s shit too. Finlay is shit. You and tetíncho working things out is shit. Do you want me to keep going? You want to call everything shit, then you call those too. Go ahead and say that your friends are shit to their faces. Even if my mom is driving you nuts-”

He hadn’t realized that he’d been obvious about that one.

“-you’re still happy to see her. So go ahead, say that everything I just said is shit.”

It was impossible and they both knew it. But just because he had a few good things going for him didn’t mean that everything else was fine. Maybe Joseph was being pessimistic but at this point in his life, he was pretty sure he had that right. He trusted Andrey but there were a lot of things he could never tell him. A lot of things Joseph was sure he could never tell anyone.

Except Emilio…because he already knew everything as it was. Finlay too. Joseph wasn’t sure telling Finlay everything had been his best move though. His ex and friend still gave freaky glances to Proko when he thought he wasn’t looking. His father was irrelevant to Finlay but Prokopenko was part of their crew and knowing that the guy walking around with them wasn’t real was…most likely disturbing.

Understandable, of course.

Scratching his hand ever so gently at the minor burns that were more or less healed at this point, Joseph just settled for a sigh. It wasn’t worth arguing with Andrey. With his latest near-death experience, Joseph was trying to be more into the pacifist thing. Or at least, that was what Dr. Cho wanted from him. She said it’d be better for his health. Joseph was sure that there was truth to her words because she had to know what she was talking about. She was a professional and all.

“I’m not saying that everything is horrible,” Joseph paused and grimaced because he’d said just that. “What I mean is that…” He sighed again and stared out at Henrietta, rather, what was viewable from where they were. Henrietta had memories but it also had tons of shit. “I’m just…tired.”

From the corner of his eye, Joseph could see Andrey nodding. “Then maybe it’s a good thing that you’re going back to Jersey. A change of scenery and some dirtier air will do you some good.”

“I think dirtier air is actually a negative to my health.”

“Nah, we’re born and bred in fresh Jersey air, my friend,” Andrey laughed, tapping his spoon on his chin. “It’s fresh air that kills us because we’re not used to it.”

Andrey should never try to make his own logic. “Too clean for our nasty ass lungs?”

“Something like that,” Andrey laughed as Joseph turned to the sound of crunching, expecting his freaky creation but instead finding someone stranger.

Or at least, definitely unexpected.

“That almost looks like Xia Jiang,” Joseph snorted as Jiang got closer, watching where he put his every step. They’d done a great job cleaning but there was no way they could pick up all the glass or other unsightly dangerous objects. “Might it be?”

“It might,” Jiang replied as he came to a stop beside the Audi, eyeing Joseph carefully. “Am I invited to sit?”

“Would you like to be?” Jiang didn’t need invites. As he always said, he was the invite himself.

“Yes.”

Joseph nodded but made sure that that his surprise didn’t show. Scooting closer to Andrey, he patted the spot beside him ever so gently with his abused arm. “Have a seat, Mr. Jiang.”

Climbing up, which required more effort from him than it did Joseph on account of some relatively short legs, Jiang made himself comfortable before glancing at Andrey and then Joseph. “Look, I got some shit to say so just let me say it all and then you are allowed to speak. Unless of course I am asking a question, then please speak because I am obviously looking for an answer. Comprendo?”

His curiosity made him nod without even a questioning noise.

“Okay look,” Jiang began, breaking his eye contact way too fast which was very unusual for him, “you got a lot of shit going on. Understood and we all get that, philosophically, because obviously, no one has been through the same stuff but like, we get you.” He gave a quick glance at Joseph, “You may nod here.”

Joseph nodded.

“Now, you and me, we’ve known each other for at least a very good six hundred and seventy days. Definiely more but let’s hit for the least first. I don’t want to do too much math this fine afternoon.”

Another nod.

“Despite all the shit, which we’ve had tons, between us, we have also had some damn good times. Fun times, food times, heart times.” Jiang turned his head from the fairgrounds and watched Joseph with the most intelligent eyes he’d ever seen on him. Which was an extreme thing because Jiang never looked anything but intelligent. “Those heart times outweigh everything else. Even when I don’t want them too.”

Despite wanting to follow the rules of the convo, Joseph couldn’t help but interrupt with a laugh. “That kinda goes for me too, honestly.”

A death finger was pointed at him for interrupting, but Jiang said nothing. “I can’t speak for everyone else but…” Jiang nodded with a soft sigh, sounding more ‘Xia’ than ‘Jiang’ than he ever had. He sat in silence for a while, picking at his cuticles before murmuring “I failed. I failed as a friend and I’m sorry.”

Chapter Text

He was sorry? Sure, Joseph and Jiang had tons of shit between them but, to be honest, Joseph never felt that any of it warranted such a heartfelt apology. They’d moved on from them. To say that he failed as a friend was…harsh. On himself. “Failed?”

Jiang wouldn’t meet his eyes and that was the freakiest part of all this. It didn’t matter how hard a conversation was, Jiang always met the other person’s eyes. “I…I just…” he sighed again, sounding more lost than probably he ever had, “The party happened and everyone was all like ‘Kavinsky got hurt’ and I was just like ‘damn, that dumbass.’ But then…you weren’t answering your phone and no one could get a hold of you, Prokopenko was hurt, it took awhile to find Skovron, everything was just…hectic. All at once.”

Maybe one day, maybe even in this conversation, Joseph would find his tongue to apologize too. Because he had put everyone at risk and whether he liked it or not, destroying everything around him just to ruin himself hadn’t been the right answer. His friends had been put in danger, danger that they could have been seriously harmed from, even more than Proko had, and yet he’d done it. He hadn’t cared, hadn’t even given everyone a second thought.

“Lynch and his bitch gang just like poof,” he did a little ‘poof’ with his hands “disappeared. Didn’t say shit. Didn’t bother finding one of us to tell us that you’d been hurt.”

The ache in his heart hurt more than it should have. Joseph was going to have to find a way to forget Lynch for everything he was. If he found one dreamer, he was sure that he could find another. Another with a decent personality too. Better than Lynch could ever wish he could be.

“No one could figure out what had happened to you and…it made me worry.” Jiang picked at one last cuticle before picking his head up and turning to watch Joseph with an almost otherworldly intelligence glittering in his eyes. “I knew that you had problems. We all knew it. I’ve seen the scars and even the fresh cuts but I didn’t say anything. I knew that when we’d ask you to hang and you’d say that you weren’t feeling it that it meant you were having a bad day. I knew that you weren’t getting high because you were a rich white boy who wanted a little fun and I knew that you hated that you were gay.”

Man, was Jiang one of the more preceptive bastards. He always had been and, subconsciously, he knew that Jiang knew all these things but it was different when he was saying it aloud. Saying it all aloud and to Joseph’s face.

Not breaking eye contact once, Jiang continued “I should have said something. I should have but I didn’t because I figured you can handle your own shit. I figured that it wasn’t any of my business. But even if you wouldn’t have appreciated me opening this big mouth of mine, I should have.” Jiang nodded and took a deep breath, “I should have and I’m sorry I didn’t. Like Skov said, we saw it, we knew it, but we weren’t really paying attention and as a crew we should have and that’s on us. On me. I failed and I’m sorry. If you had seriously died, I’d probably still be crying my eyes out for the fact that I would never see your stupid face again and from my own guilt.”

Joseph knew that his crew had felt guilty. They shouldn’t have to, but he knew that they did. It was in their actions, in the way they spoke, and the way they just breathed around him. “May I speak now?”

With another heavy sigh, Jiang made an attempt at his best smile which made Joseph laugh before relaxing his face and replying “Almost. I got a couple more things to say.”

“Go for it.” This was probably the deepest heart to heart they’d ever had and Joseph was actually enjoying every second of it. These were the types of conversations that’d make Dr. Cho proud of him for having. He couldn’t help it; he liked when he made her proud.

“I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you even though I know you needed the support. That’s on me. But now, I’m behind you all the way and am gonna help with anything you need. I don’t make the same mistakes twice. We’re all upset about you leaving because we’re a crew and a crew always needs their leader, yo. You’re frustratingly annoying,” Joseph barely choked in his laugh, “but you’re ours. Like I told the guys, if you think Jersey is where you need to heal, then go and don’t look back.”

Joseph couldn’t help the interruption, “But my crew is behind me. I need to.”

“Nah, yo,” Jiang snorted, waving his hand around in protest, “your crew goes forward with you. Back is where we leave behind suffering and death. Forward is healing and life. We’re going to miss the hell out of you, but we all need to be able to make it to a reunion in ten years to laugh at our time in this shit hole and staying here means that we might not get to have you in ten years. You get me?”

He got him. Loud and clear, actually. “I want to be there in ten years too.”

Smile lighting up like a million watts, Jiang gave a very very gentle tap to Joseph’s arm. “That’s the spirit, Jersey. You’re not alone anymore in these damn fights you keep having with your demons. You’ve got hella people with you now so if one of those monsters comes knocking, you come to one of us and talk about because maybe we know how to help you get rid of that damn thing. Okay?”

It was impressive that Jiang could even talk like this. Jiang wasn’t exactly known for his powerful feelings so to have him here and telling Joseph all of this was…monumental in ways that anyone who didn’t know Jiang wouldn’t understand. It meant everything to Joseph. “Okay,” he couldn’t help but laugh nor keep the smile from growing on his face. “Okay.”

“That’s my man,” Jiang said with glee as he clapped. Joseph swore that he heard relief in his tone but he said nothing of it. “Now, you said you leave in a week.”

Technically, it was still not official but now Joseph was going to stick with it. He could do this. “Yup.”

“Alright, then I’ll round up the crew and we’ll help you pack your shit.” Joseph opened his mouth to protest because sometimes extra help was just a headache but Jiang hovered his hand over Joseph’s mouth. Last time he’d covered it fully, Joseph had bit him. “We’re helping. You, your mom, whatever, but we’re helping. Next. Aglionby still has a few weeks before it opens and whatever school you go to is probably about the same.”

“Most likely.” Not that he knew which school he was going to. He trusted his mother to make wise decisions.

“Cool. So we help pack, you meet us there-”

Meet them where…?

“-and then we follow and spend the rest of break with you and the fam. I’m sure your house in Jersey has plenty of space.”

Meet them in Jersey? Sure, they said they’d wanted to visit but wasn’t this all a little too fast?

“How’s that sound? Even if you don’t like the sound of it, it is still going to happen. I was just giving you a courtesy heads up.”

Joseph was still trying to process this line of thought when Andrey said “I think it sounds perfect.”

Snapping a finger gun at Andrey, Jiang replied “I love this man. I do.”

“I don’t know…” Joseph barely began, his thoughts on this whole thing still being churned, “if that’s-”

“It’s a fantastic idea,” Andrey continued, like it was his choice to even make in the first place. He gave Joseph’s good shoulder a bump, “Having your friends around while settling back in is a great idea. It can really help you. Even if Jersey is home, you’re going back and that still requires some adjustment. Having familiar faces will be good.”

Glancing between the two assholes that he was stuck between on the hood of the Audi, Joseph finally settled for a sigh and shrugged. “What could go wrong?”

Nothing could be worse than what he’d been through so far, right?

Right.

“So, uh, mayko?” Joseph began from where he stood in the corner of the kitchen, the most enclosed space he could find as she cooked dinner. He’d been trying to catch her alone but this was the closest he’d gotten. Typically, it was fine because no one lived here accept them.

Typically.

“What’s up?” she murmured, focused on cutting perfectly sized fries. Making burgers was funny because they could very easily buy some delicious ones but there was always something special about home burgers. He didn’t know what but Joseph just knew it.

“What do you think about…leaving in a week?”

Her knife slipped from her surprise but thankfully she didn’t cut her finger. Joseph wasn’t sure he could handle that guilt, even if it was just a small cut. She looked up at him, her eyes wide in surprise. “A week? Like, the end of this week?”

Joseph nodded. This was it. He could do this. If life was going to move forward, Joseph needed to keep his feet moving too. “Throw the onions in the pan while it’s hot, right? My pan is hot and sizzling so I guess…I gotta throw my onions in.”

“Are…your onions ready to be thrown in?”

He didn’t know but keeping his pan sizzling would just lead to it burning. “I don’t know but I’m willing to try. We should get on that while we can, right?”

Setting down her knife, his mother eyed him carefully before taking the few steps over to him in his corner. She set her hands on his crossed ones with care. “Is it what you want?”

Joseph wasn’t too sure but after Jiang’s gorgeous speech, he was willing to give it a chance. “I think I’m willing to try.”

His mother nodded, her eyes examining him carefully. “Okay. Okay. I’m ready to try whatever you want. End of the week? Then end of the week. You got it, baby.”

There was a joke hanging on his tongue but he let it go. Now was a time for serious things. Jokes could wait. “Have you…found a school?”

“I’ve determined one that is functional enough for me.”

“That’s good.”

She sighed before her mouth turned to a wry frown. “Sweatheart, I really don’t want you cooped up in the house all the time. It’s unhealthy. You need to see people and go out and breathe the outside air, you know? I don’t want you to be a shut in who doesn’t talk or see anyone.”

Understandable of course but she was thinking too little of him. He didn’t necessarily want to see no one. He still wanted his cousins and friends, even if they were a couple states between them. And plus, he still wanted to try and get his bestest Bromilio back. Bromilio and Broseph had to become the trouble twins again. Also, who knew? Maybe he could make friends with Emilio’s friends and even Asen’s brother. Those were all people for his circle that would make sure he wasn’t a shut in. Joseph didn’t even want to be a shut in the first place. He just didn’t want to go to an in-person school was all.

There was a difference.

Henrietta was the only place he wanted to become a hermit in.

“I just don’t want school, mayko, that’s it. I swear.”

She raised a powerful brow and watched him carefully before grabbing his chin so that their eyes made perfect contact. “That’s it?”

He nodded, his chin still in her mighty grasp. “Swear on bába.”

Mouth twisting once more, she booted him on the nose and snorted with disdain “Don’t swear on bába. Whichever bába you meant.”

Ivet’s of course because he’d never met his own grandmothers. Well, he’d met his father’s mother when he was like three months old but that was it for their relationship.

“That’s how serious I am.”

“Alright,” his mother murmured with a nod, finally releasing his chin, “Alright. Then we can totally do this.” Putting her hands up, she gave him a little bounce and a big smile. “High fives, my little boy.”

Joseph totally resented being a little boy but because she was his mother, he let it go. Only this time though. Totally only this time.

Giving her the double high fives, Joseph couldn’t help but smile from her cheer. He could do this. He could make it back to Jersey and he could figure out at least a small percentage of his shit. Joseph’s family was behind him. Jiang was and that meant the entire crew was. Dr. Cho was even if they’d have to revert to phone calls. She’d probably refer him to someone in Jersey and Joseph just might give them a decent shot. For her, of course. He had no intentions of letting the only therapist he trusted go.

He could do this. They could this.

Chapter Text

In a matter of a few days and with many helping hands, the important things of the house had been packed up and set in the foyer. The important things really just meant Joseph and his mother’s personal stuff and somethings other knick knackish things that only Henrietta could offer. Other things like furniture, kitchen appliances and supplies, and other house miscellaneous items were left behind. His mother wanted them all donated because though she didn’t say it, Joseph knew she wanted to leave behind as clean of a slate as possible.

Joseph was starting over in Jersey? Then his mother was making sure that he was starting over properly. Even if it was something as little as not using the same plates as they used in Virginia.

While the house was being wrapped for its loose ends by his family, Joseph had his own loose ends to wrap up in Henrietta. Not many because there were ones that he’d realized weren’t even worth the stress it’d bring but some.

“You know it stresses me out when you show up at my door?”

Putting on his best smile for Eva, Joseph clasped his hands behind his back and gave tried to look as friendly as he knew he used to. They’d known each other probably the longest out of the people that were left in Henrietta at this point. She’d even known him before he’d been getting high. “Your mama home?”

Eva crossed her arms and leaned against the doorframe, taking him in from head to toe. By the looks of it, she was making mental notes of every single one of his injuries. “She might be. Can I help you?”

The Henrietta heat was getting to his head and his back even after just a minute. “I’d really like to get into the air condition before I fuck up all the hard work my surgeon did.”

He swore he almost saw a smile grow on her face before she scooted back and opened the door wider. Joseph stepped into their small foyerish area and waited to be properly invited in as she shut the door. Eva never said a word and instead kept on staring at him, almost to the point where it was getting creepy. Like…really creepy. He’d prefer if she just threw him out at this point.

“Can…I see your mom?”

Sighing, Eva uncrossed her arms and clasped her hands behind her own back, much like he had only a moment before. She looked down at the floor for such a short second that Joseph almost thought that he’d imagined it before taking a deep breath and meeting his eyes. “So…you wanna hear the rumors around town?

Joseph’s brow went up in surprise. He’d come to say his piece and peace to Gwen and maybe even Tog man if he was around. Getting the town gossip from Eva of all people had not been on his list. Not that he didn’t want to hear it. “I could definitely lend an ear.”

Nodding and giving him one last look over, Eva shrugged and took his good arm, dragging him to a room and shutting the door. It almost felt like he was about to get eaten in a lion’s den but he was too busy comprehending the fact that he’d been dragged into Eva’s bedroom to worry. It was as colorful as he’d expected but much smaller than he thought the rooms here would be.

Plopping onto her bed, she pointed the dining chair that was used at her desk for him to sit. Joseph shrugged and sat down, too curious to open his huge mouth. “I didn’t hurt you by pulling, did I?”

She was concerned and it was both endearing and freaky. “Nah,” Joseph replied as he raised his right, “this is the fucked one. All my right half mostly. My left is all good.”

“Cool, cool,” Eva said with a couple nods, the awkwardness beginning to settle in. “So…like…gossip, yeah?”

“If you’re willing to share.”

“I know the truth because like, my mom was super upset about it and talking to herself in the kitchen but…I don’t think anyone but us and your friends know that this was…a suicide attempt.”

His heart skipped a beat. No one knew the truth? He leaned forward to be sure he heard this right. “What do they think it was?”

“A huge firework accident from the party.”

Joseph leaned back into her chair that had a faux sheep skin on the back. If everyone just thought it was an accident…then he could totally work with that. Hell, he could even step on Aglionby grounds without worry. There wouldn’t be the fake concerns or the pity. It’d just be the ‘hey, man, what the hell happened? Forgot how to use your own shit?’

That was something he could definitely handle.

“I can totally work with that,” he murmured, rubbing his lips in thought. The poor things were such a scabbed over mess that even Vaseline couldn’t help them right now. “Definitely work with that.”

He felt Eva watching him from the corner of his eye, “Could you not work with ‘suicide attempt’ before?”

It was almost tempting to point out how they were having the most chill and normal conversation of their entire time knowing each other over something so morbid. Sitting up straight, he picked up a fluffy llama thing sitting on her desk and replied “No. It’s infuriating having people say happy things to your face when you know and they know you know that they don’t mean it and don’t give a damn.”

“I suppose it would be,” she said softly as she nodded, seemingly lost in her own thoughts. They were silent for a time before Eva glanced up at him and asked “So like…how you doin’ now?”

The laugh was sitting right on the tip of his tongue. Eva had never shown him anything but contempt or at least curious hate. It wasn’t the first time he’d tried to kill himself since they’d known each other and yet here she was, sounding more concerned than she ever had. “You almost sound like you care.”

With a sigh as she leaned back on her hands, Eva’s mouth twisted into a wry smile as she shrugged. “I can’t help it if I feel bad for you.” Joseph opened his mouth but she was already waving him off with two hands. “I don’t mean pity. You don’t want pity and I totally get that. I mean like…” she covered her face and groaned into her hands before getting to her feet and putting her hands on her hips.

He did in fact feel very threatened by this girl.

“I can’t help it that you are essentially a part of this family because my mom seriously loves you. So sense I must accept this, I am willing to give you a shred of my concern.” She crossed her arms and plopped back down onto her colorful bed. “There.”

This time, Joseph did laugh because how could he not? She sounded so angry about it. “Aw, don’t be so upset! I am undoubtedly charming. People can’t help but care. Plus, we both know that it’s a little more than a shred, don’t you think?”

Eva rolled her eyes, “The only time you’re charming is when you laugh like that. Maybe do it more often.”

Smile stretching across his face, Joseph replied “Are you telling me to be happier?” He knew if he said ‘you like the sound of my laugh?’ she’d probably hit him somehow without causing proper damage.

“That’s exactly what I’m saying.” Eva sighed and dropped her arms, leaning forward just a bit. “I don’t know what your life is like or what it was like growing up or whatever but…I hope you stop tryin’ to kill yourself. You’re important to people and you should be important to yourself too, you know?”

Dropping his smile with the turn of seriousness, Joseph looked away and up at the photos she’d surrounded with string lights. There were her sisters, her mother, Liam, and friends he didn’t know. Even a family picture that included Tog man. Her important people. He had his own important people on his wall too. Once he was back in Jersey, he’d make a new wall and include his new important people like Gwen, his crew, and maybe even Tog man. Drake, his tattoo artist. The couple at the farmer’s market that he liked to visit every so often. Dr. Cho who he found he could trust.

“You’re a crazy bastard,” Eva continued, “but you’re special to a lot of people. You’re their crazy bastard.” A small smile cracked on his face. “Maybe you and me don’t have like a deep meaningful relationship or anything but we’ve known each other for a long time. Probably longer than you’ve known anyone here at this point. I don’t want to hear the news later from my mom that she’s going to your funeral, you know?”

The fact that she really cared, despite everything between them, meant more than she could probably imagine. Joseph had always felt so alone but maybe he had to take a minute to realize that he had so many people around him who really did give a damn, even when he’d thought that they didn’t. “Yeah, I know.”

Taking a long good look at Peanut’s still standing tower and bed, Joseph gnawed on his lip before he took a deep breath and picked them up. Peanut needed to be at peace and rest. She couldn’t get that if he kept her shrine alive. Depending on the culture, of course, but it was something that he could get behind for the sake of his beloved friend.

It was time.

He was seriously impressed with himself when there were no tears as he went down the stairs with her junk in hand. Maybe because he’d used them all with Gwen despite himself. The woman knew how to make a person cry, probably on purpose too.

“You best be sure you call me, hon, you got that?”

Oh, he got that. He didn’t want to cut her off any more than she wanted him to leave. But Gwen wanted him to heal and if healing meant letting him go, then she was down for it. Joseph had always known that Gwen mattered to him but, really, he’d never noticed just how much she mattered until he was telling her that he was leaving. She was like a second mother to him and since his real mother meant more than the world, it meant Gwen was pretty damn close to that level. She’d cared when didn’t have to. It was easy for her to just be like everyone else, nursed him back to health, and then thanked God he wasn’t their patient anymore.

But she hadn’t. She’d put him in her heart beside her own children and said ‘we can do this.’ He wasn’t sure if he’d reached that point but he knew he’d reached something so he was doing it. It was time to have faith in himself and the people around him so he could get back on his damn unsteady feet and walk forward.

They could do this.

“Should I give my final goodbyes?” his mother said with a smile, the days getting closer and closer to being home. Joseph wasn’t even sure the last time he’d seen her without a smile at this point. In a couple days, that was it, they were going to be home.

Really home.

Joseph was ready but as much as he was ready, he was still nervous for the change. Going back was almost scary. However, as much as it was scary, it was just as exciting. If life had taught him anything, it was to take advantage of any excitement he felt because who knew when that fleeting feeling was going to come back.

He sure as hell was going to take advantage of whatever excitement he could right now.

“If you’d like,” he replied, setting down the tower with the pile of her bed and blankets resting atop. Goddamn, had Peanut been high maintenance. But she’d been his high maintenance freak. He loved her from the bottom of his heart. “She needs to rest in peace eventually, right?”

Giving him a huge smile, his mother dragged him into a careful hug and dragged his face down for a kiss to his nose. Joseph was pretty sure she was obsessed with affection to his nose at this point. Cupping his face with soft hands, she whispered “I’m so proud of you. I’m happy and excited and every emotion you can even think of for you. You got that?”

Ignoring his delicate body, Joseph wrapped his mother in a tight hug and whispered back “I got it. Totally got it.”

They could do this.

Chapter Text

Joseph was trying his absolute hardest not to bawl his eyes out and honestly, it was embarrassing at this point. “I swear to God, Skovron, if you start crying-”

He would totally cry too.

“I’m not crying!” Skov snapped, squishing the life out of his eyes before huffing with his red face and sniffling nose. “I have allergies.”

Allergies, his ass.

It was flattering as much as it was annoying that Skov was going to cry for him. “Okay, allergy boy,” Joseph snorted as he shook his head and stared at his crew who were staring right back. This was it. He was going. Tomorrow. Morning. Early. A proper leader had to give a proper goodbye to his crew. “I think we’re all past the point where we try to act tough and don’t talk about feelings.”

“So far past, bitch,” Jiang laughed from where he was lying at the foot of Skov’s bed. Joseph had told them to meet him here, no longer afraid of Agliony’s eyes. They thought he was in an accident? Then he was keeping it that way. No correction needed. “So far all the way to my ancestors in China, yo.”

Rubbing his hands together where he sat at Swan’s desk, Joseph took a good long look at his friends and said “Thank you guys. For everything. Even in our worst times, we were friends who looked out for each other and I wouldn’t change that for anything. We’re all assholes, maybe tried too hard to be assholes, but we’re a crew and it doesn’t get better than that.”

Trying his absolute hardest to keep his tears in, Skov rubbed at his eyes again before he just couldn’t manage it anymore, his words tumbling in a shaky rhythm. “I’m gonna miss you, you asshole. You have to call me like…all the time or I’m gonna spam you with thousands of text messages. Thousands, Joseph, thousands.”

He would not cry. He would not. “Isn’t thousands a little extreme?”

“No. Because that’s what friends are there for.”

“To be annoying?”

Skov blew his nose as he hiccupped and Joseph knew that if he kept looking at him any longer, the tears would be coming whether he liked it or not. Jiang raised a hand up and tried to slap Skov’s leg but couldn’t reach. “C’mon, yo, don’t make us all sad. This is supposed to be a happy goodbye! Plus, we’re all going to Jersey in like a few days! We’ll see him soon! Hell, yo, sometimes we’d go a few days here without seeing each other! Don’t be such a baby!”

“I want to!” Skov practically snapped as he jumped to his feet and held out his arms, his lip trembling as he stared at Joseph. “Can we hug?”

For the love of God. He knew Joseph wasn’t into hugs except with people he like loved loved but at least he’d asked first. Not that asking made him much happier. With a groan, he held out his arms and snorted “Get over here, pups.”

Bouncing his way over, Skov collided into his arms and wrapped him tight. Joseph was on the verge of squeaking in pain while the guys laughed at Skov’s desperation before Skovron must’ve remembered Joseph’s abused body. “I’m sorry!” he exclaimed, his hands flying up and giving Joseph an apologetic look. “Sorry, sorry, sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Joseph muttered, patting his delicate body carefully before rolling his eyes and holding out his arms. “Anyone else? Let’s get this over with.”

He was as surprised as the rest of them when Jiang got to his feet in a matter of milliseconds and rushed over before anyone could say something. Giving Joseph the fastest hug on the planet, he rolled back on the floor as quick as he’d come. “Okay, my duty has been completed.”

Joseph laughed causing Jiang to smile wide. “Duty accepted, kitten. Totally accepted.”

“Ah, fuck it,” Swan muttered as he got to his feet. He was probably thinking like Joseph that this could be hella awkward on account of the failed relationship and all. But Joseph was leaving and whether they liked it or not, a crew had to hug their shit out. “Gimme one, K.”

Calling for ‘K’ and not ‘Joseph’ was totally done for a purpose. They both knew it. “Bring it here, asshole,” Joseph laughed as they hugged, keeping it as friendly as possible. Giving Swan one last hard pat on the back, he separated and examined the man of his crew. Knocking a knuckle on his head, he snorted “Duty accepted, kitten three.”

They all burst into laughter as Proko made sure to collect his hug as noisily as possible before they all sat on the floor, Skov going out to get the pizza that was ordered. It was funny how Nino’s refused to deliver to their favorite school but they could convince Pizza Wonderland to come through for them. How hard was it to meet them in the parking lot? Goddamn, they’d give them a tip. They weren’t those types of assholes.

“So when do I expect my crew?” Joseph couldn’t help but ask. Andrey was right; the thought of them coming to Jersey actually did make him feel better. Joseph didn’t know when Jersey became scary but it somehow had. He’d have to resettle and having his crew with him would definitely help. “Couple days?”

“Two tops,” Prokopenko answered around his pizza slice. “We already have our stuff packed so it’s just a matter of getting there. Plus, like I’m sure your fam wants a minute or two away from us.”

High chance, yeah. “Two is good. And the stay?”

“As long as possible,” Jiang replied, taking the last packet of red pepper flakes from between Swan’s fingers. He earned himself a nasty look. Not that that meant anything to any of them after all this time together. “Probs like a day before school, we’ll leave. We gotta see you settled, yo.”

Sounded good to him. Fantastic, really. It was like some weird extended sleepover that they’d always wanted to try together. Joseph just hadn’t been willing to let them into his house for that long or just…in general. But now, now was a great time for it. They’d all known each other plenty long enough to know their quirks and not get annoyed from them. Well, annoyed but not like put off from them.

It was going to be fun, he just knew it.

Joseph felt that little spark of excitement again and, man, did it feel good.

“Diana!” Joseph called for what was probably the fiftieth time except with each time, he became a little more worried. It wasn’t like her not to answer him. The minute he showed up, she would come greet him or if she didn’t, he’d merely call out and she’d come hopping over.

The fact that she hadn’t yet was worrying.

She wouldn’t just leave without telling him. The freak was as attached to him as he was to her and by that he meant through regular human relationships, not through his fucked head. But that too of course.

Of course.

Joseph had no idea if Atanas could help or would even want to help but it was worth a try, wasn’t it? He’d walked to entire fairgrounds, the drag strip, and had even bothered to go check his dreaming place. She was nowhere and he was worried. Diana wouldn’t just leave, he knew that. He knew it.

Something happened to her. Or maybe something had drawn her away. Diana didn’t just leave.

“Okay, dreaming, yeah,” Joseph whispered to himself as he got back into the Audi and tapped the steering wheel. His hands were shaking and it felt like his pressure sleeve was tighter than ever. He was scared to go back into the forest. Atanas had kept his head in a slumber for the time being but he knew it wasn’t going to stay like that. He needed to take control again and soon. The forest didn’t like to be ignored. “Okay.”

It’d been years since he’d dreamed without pills. He wasn’t sure he even could without them. Anyways, Joseph was sure that his mother had thrown away anything that looked like a drug.

He was fucked.

Tapping his foot against the brake pedal, Joseph gnawed on his lip before deciding to drive back to the fairgrounds and give it one last look. Maybe she’d just gone a little farther than usual and hadn’t heard his call.

Maybe.

Or maybe not.

It was a stupid plan. He needed something better than just going back. Joseph needed to dream and talk to Atanas whether he liked it or not. Sooner rather than later. He was too afraid to chance the fact that she simply went on a far out walk. Diana was crazy and stubborn but he’d told her to stay and she’d sworn that she would. He trusted her to listen.

Making it back home, Joseph searched for his mother until he found her cleaning out the fridge in the garage. She was going to kill him for asking but what choice did he have? His dragon freak was missing, possibly in danger, and the only one who he figured could help him was a dead man.

Even when his life felt moderately normal, he was reminded that no, he was in fact still a freak.

“Did you throw away any green pills by chance?”

Her towel froze it’s wiping of the shelf as she turned her head ever so slowly to stare at him. He didn’t think she’d be angry but Joseph swore that it looked like it in the back of her eyes. “Pills?”

Joseph planned on explaining but her tone was scaring the crap out of him. “Not to get high! I swear! I need them-”

“What the hell else do you need pills for, Joseph?” she snapped as she got to her feet. Joseph had a good foot on her but the woman could loom without the height. Much like Jiang, really. “You actually are trying to get me to give you shit to put in your clean system?”

The anger was from concern and worry, he knew that, but goddamn. “I need to dream.”

“What?”

“You use pills to dream?”

Spinning on the heels of his feet to find his father behind him just casually leaning in the doorway, Joseph ate at his lip and figured that since the guy kind of got it, maybe he’d understand what the pills were used for. There was no joy in the green or red pills; they were a necessity. “Diana’s missing and I need to find her, especially because we’re leaving. I can’t get to the magical shit without a pill.”

Or two.

…

Or five.

Jamming his finger into his stupid head, Joseph explained “It hasn’t worked properly up here since-” he paused and huffed, sick of the extra people in his home causing him to not speak comfortably. “Since, you know,” Joseph waved his hands at his father, “get it?”

Nodding as he scratched at his jaw, his father asked “And finding Diana requires…that place?”

He must have realized why Joseph was treading carefully with his words. “I don’t know but it’s the best plan I have. She wouldn’t just disappear. It’s not like her.”

Another nod as the fridge door shut with that soft vacuum sound of its. Setting a careful hand on his shoulder to get his attention, his much more level headed mother said softly “I really don’t want anything in your system, sweetheart. I can’t chance it. Whether for your freak or not, you are not putting anything in there that I don’t approve. No compromises.”

It wasn’t like he didn’t understand her point because Joseph totally did. But he had to find his dragon freak before someone else did and harmed her. Or her them. Who knew? “But mayko-”

“I’ll deal with it.”

They both stared at his father. “Deal with…what, Ivo?” his mother asked, the barest hint of a threat in her voice like she was daring him to agree to anything she didn’t approve.

Eyes flicking from Joseph to her, his father shrugged like it was the easiest thing in the world. “This. Without the pills.”

Joseph gave him a look that he knew in another time would have gotten him in trouble for disrespect but his father said nothing of it as he walked away, calling out for Joseph to follow. Joseph followed, because well, what else was he to do when someone had such confidence in something that he knew nothing of? He followed him from the house to the Audi to wondering why he’d been regulated to the passenger seat. Driving was like breathing to him now so finding himself here in his own mother’s car was not impressive at all. “How exactly are you going to deal with it?”

Only spared a simple glance, his father just shrugged again like his shrugging was the answer to the world’s and Joseph’s problems. “Dunno, honestly, but I’m sure I can figure something out. First, we’ll check all the places out again because it’s been a bit and if she did walk off, I’m sure she’d be back by now.”

“So only then am I allowed to worry?”

“No, no, worry all you like but worry more if we still don’t find her.”

Chapter Text

“Okay, you’re allowed to worry now,” his father conceded as he kicked a piece of glass before seemingly thinking about this action and following it to where it landed. Picking it up, he gave it a good stare as he added “She’s not the type to just disappear.”

Exactly what Joseph had said a million times over. A million. “No, she wouldn’t. That’s why I think dreaming is my best shot. Atanas could probably help if I convince him.”

“I am seriously weirded out every time you say ‘Atanas.’” He paused his glasses examination and turned to look at Joseph. “That’s fuck ass disrespectful, by the way. He is not your age to call him by name.”

His father would never understand the history Joseph and Atanas had between them. Granted, it was rude despite the history, but they knew who they were to each other. “Focus. Diana is God knows where and we can’t leave without knowing. Something could’ve happened to her.”

Or she did something to someone. But Joseph wanted to think she’d gotten a little better over the past days of her life on the outside. Like understanding that she shouldn’t just eat whatever she liked.

“If I dream-”

“Can you do it without pills?”

Joseph knew that his father had no intentions of letting him ingest anything, even just some cough syrup to knock him out but he’d had a little hope. Hope that’d been crushed that fast. “I doubt it,” Joseph replied with resignation, accepting the fact that unless Atanas dragged him down, there was no forest. Plopping his ass down on the stupid dirty ass dirt floor, he hung his head between his knees and huffed. “I haven’t been able to do it without anything helping me since I dragged your ass out.” He grimaced and corrected “Since I dragged you out.”

The last thing he needed was to be called out for disrespect twice in a row.

He felt his father sit down beside him but didn’t bother raising his head. “So what, I broke it?”

Snorting and not bothering to hold back the frustration in his voice, Joseph popped his head up and snapped “The hate you instilled in my gay ass self did.”

“Ah.”

“Ah,” Joseph muttered, not able to meet his father’s eyes any longer, “Yeah. Ah.” Rubbing his temples, Joseph settled for a sigh, not wanting to fight right now. He had bigger problems. “The only thing I can think of is talking to Atanas. He knows about this stuff more than anyone I know.” The problem was getting Joseph there.

“You can’t just take a nap?” his father asked, still holding his piece of glass until he found a trash of some sort. “Isn’t that how you used to do it?”

Joseph said nothing. If only it was as simple as napping. “A couple months ago, something broke in the forest. I don’t know what it was but when I woke, it was fixed.” Scratching at his peeling cuticles that had no rest much like the abuse he did to his lips, he added in thought “What if they’re fucking with something again? And it fucked with Diana?”

Was that even possible? Those bitches seemed to like to mess with shit that they shouldn’t. He could always ask or even threaten but the thought of seeing Lynch and his bitch gang made him want beat the crap out of someone and Dr. Cho had said that he shouldn’t think like that.

He tried to listen to her when he could. It seemed to be helpful more often than not.

Stretching out his bad leg, his father rubbed his knee and said “I don’t understand any of this stuff but I suppose the question would be if that is possible. And if it is, is it intentional?”

Unlikely. When it came to whatever the hell they were doing, Lynch and the bitch gang didn’t give a damn how it affected anyone else. All that mattered was their play time with things they shouldn’t play with in the first place. Who knew why they did what they did? Joseph would love to find out what shit they were playing in but Lynch hadn’t shared and Joseph didn’t want to talk to any of them anymore anyways. It just wasn’t worth it.

“Okay,” he exclaimed, suddenly getting to his feet, surprising both his father and his body. Sitting would get nothing done. If Lynch fucked something again, the air would have a hum and he knew a place where the air was always alive, even before he understood what the fuck Henrietta was. “Come on, dear Ivo. I’ve got a thought.”

His father followed but not quietly. “I totally get what our relationship is but can you just not call me anything instead of my name?”

It was enough to make him pause and even almost laugh. Wiping the smile from his face, Joseph opened the driver door and dropped into the Audi’s lovely seat. He knew calling his father by name was rude as hell but he just knew he wasn’t ready to call him ‘tatko’ just yet. It seemed his father knew it too which was a relief. “I can’t call you ‘you.’”

“Just don’t call me anything,” his father muttered as he buckled up in the passenger seat before handing over the key. “I don’t like it but I understand that I’m not in a place to say something about it yet.”

Yet. Funny he was so sure they’d reach that ‘yet’ point but Joseph had to hand it to his confidence. “I’ll try my best, but I make no promises.” He was going to say ‘Ivo’ just to be an ass but Joseph thought that maybe that was going too far.

Dr. Cho would be proud of him.

It took a bit for them to reach their destination on account of the fact that it was not only a little far from the fairgrounds but also because it’d been so long since Joseph had gone there that he may have kind of sort of got lost. Just a little.

Looking out at where he used to sit for quiet time before the fairgrounds and his dream land, Joseph thought of the last time he’d been here. The last time he and Blue had been decent people to each other. It wasn’t worth dwelling on at this point after so much time had past but…there was a certain nostalgia to it. Only a bit though because his little pond of comfort was very much not a little pond of comfort anymore.

It was closer to a lake.

A small one but a lake nonetheless.

The air crackled, if only physically and maybe only for Joseph. He could feel the energy just humming beneath the surface of the pool and sparking in the air. Whatever Lynch had broke was definitely fixed. Fixed and very very awake.

Joseph walked up to the edge of the pool and stared down. It didn’t have the soft gentle flow that it used to. It didn’t even seem like it was the same color. The pool was as still as could be, not even the slight Henrietta breeze causing a ripple. Something had happened to this place and Joseph couldn’t help but wonder if it had anything to do with the power line for the forest turning back on.

Crouching down in front of the pool, his father tilted his head as he watched the still water in confusion. “Do you remember…when I told you your dyádo had that stuff that felt different?”

The dream stuff it seemed his grandfather was constantly in the market for. Yeah, he remembered. “Does this make you think of them?” he asked as he crouched beside his father, watching the hesitant hand just hovering over the still water. It was like a black soul in liquid form. “It feels like a dream object?”

As far as Joseph knew, this place wasn’t a magic dream place but then, what did Joseph know? Not much, really, no matter how he tried to understand this shit.

“Yes.”

He had felt it the minute they’d walked into the clearing, the otherworldliness filling the air. Joseph had known his father could kind of tell this stuff but he hadn’t expected him to feel it from the pool itself. Or at all. He kind of doubted when his father had sworn that he could tell the difference. “It didn’t used to be like this.”

Fingers just barely over the surface, his father paused and tilted his head even more like he was looking at something. Joseph hovered over the pool to try and see what it was and found nothing. Just a black pool staring right back at him. He couldn’t even see the bottom anymore like he used to be able to.

“Don’t touch it.”

Joseph picked his head up in surprise, glancing around the clearing and expecting to find himself in the forest, Atanas telling him what to do as usual.

There was no forest. There was no Atanas.

There was just Joseph, his father, and the pool.

Deciding that he’d freak out over hearing voices later, Joseph grabbed his father’s hand as quickly as possible before those long fingers made contact with dangerous water. Dangerous water how, he didn’t know but he just knew. “Don’t touch it.”

Eyes wide and confused, his father’s eyes flicked from his hand in Joseph’s grasp to Joseph’s face a few times before speaking. “Is it dangerous?”

“Yes.”

Maybe. Probably.

“Okay,” his father murmured after a minute more of staring before taking his hand back. “Okay.”

Flicking his eyes back to the still pool, Joseph watched the unmoving water before tossing in a pebble. It sunk without even a tiny pause, despite its little weight. “It didn’t used to be like this. Something’s not right.”

His father went back to watching the pool but kept his hands to himself. “Can something like this change?”

Maybe.

Probably.

The air crackled with the oncoming breeze, the branches of the trees swaying too much for the amount of wind that had passed.

Joseph didn’t like this. As much as the air felt right, it also felt completely wrong. Was it possible to have too much energy flowing? Or maybe this was a special spot that he never realized before because of the lack of energy from before?

Lost in his thoughts as he tried to think his way through something he knew nothing about, it took Joseph quite a while before he noticed that his father was now across the water and calling his name, something held up in his hand for Joseph to see.

It was a bracelet. A familiar one.

Getting to his feet and treading around the pool that no longer brought his peace, Joseph took the little red beaded bracelet from his father’s hand and rubbed each individual bead through his fingers. “This is way too far for her to just walk to. I don’t understand.”

Diana had wanted a bracelet like the beaded one Jiang always wore on his wrist. A gift from Isha. Handmade of course because Isha was that type. The next time he’d come to check on her, he’d found Jiang with her on a day that wasn’t his for the check-in, tying it around her wrist as she bounced in excitement.

“Look!” Diana exclaimed as she ran over to Joseph once Jiang was done. “A red one! He got me a red one to match me!”

She’d never taken it off since.

“Why…” Joseph whispered as he trailed off in thought. Why would she come here? Had she felt the power of the pool? As much as she was his dream person, Atanas had always said that she was different. She was it and they and all that stuff that’d never made sense. Diana was attached to the forest in ways that Joseph and his dream objects weren’t. “She walked all the way here?”

Walked all the way and disappeared into thin air.

His eyes caught on the pool of water, lying still as a dead body at his feet. There were a lot of things that he didn’t understand about himself, the forest, Henrietta, and just this whole dreaming shit in general. Magic. Wasn’t this all magic like? It had to be in some type of way. Everything about Henrietta was magical in a sense.

Crouching down once more over the pool of water, Joseph stared at his reflection. A clear reflection as though he was looking in a mirror.

Water couldn’t do that, no matter how clean it was. There was no way for it to reflect the way that it was. In fact…it was almost mesmerizing as he watched himself, his head tilting to the side without him even realizing it and his fingers reaching out-

“Don’t touch!”

Joseph startled, surprised to find his hand in his father’s grasped tight, the echo of not only his voice but his great-grandfather’s ringing in his head.

“Don’t touch,” his father repeated, softer now that the danger had passed. He glanced at the water one last time before leading Joseph to his feet. “I think we should go.”

Chapter Text

It was a shame that the only psychics Joseph knew of were in Blue’s house of fifty women. It didn’t matter how worried he was about Diana or how curious he was about his pond turned pool, he wasn’t going anywhere near her or her big family.

Not a chance.

All Joseph really needed was a laptop and the internet, right? Modern technology and all.

Sitting on the floor of his now empty room, Joseph booted up his laptop as he ever so gently plopped into his makeshift bed. The last of their furniture was being picked up tomorrow morning for donation before they left and…well, then it was Jersey day.

Yes, he was in fact still nervous. He was even more nervous than he’d been previously, even with the knowledge that his friends were coming a few days later. He couldn’t help it; Joseph was afraid of change, even when the change was simply going back home.

It was damn nerve wracking.

Walnut loped her way in and practically threw herself beside him, her tail beating happily against the wall. Joseph wasn’t sure that she’d adapt in Jersey well and had even considered leaving her behind for Swan but the dude of course had to dorm and there was nowhere for his giant ass dog to stay in a dorm. His mother had only allowed Waddle in their Jersey home because he was small. And…she hadn’t been around when they got him.

But still.

Sure, their Jersey house had a backyard but it was nothing close to this one. Walnut needed space and Joseph was worried that he couldn’t adequately provide that in his Jersey backyard. The best option was his father’s first warehouse with their other dogs but those were meant for protection. While Walnut was big, she was meant for love.

He wasn’t so sure about it all.

Snapping his fingers to ease any possible research impeding stiffness, Joseph decided to start simple. Best way to conduct any research was to start small, right? The water was reflective and it had stuck him and his father in a scary trance so…that had to be…

Joseph had no idea.

What he did know was that in Lord of the Rings, Galadriel had her mirror in Lothlorien which was actually a silver basin of water. The whole concept was a little different and obviously Lord of the Rings was fictional but…there could definitely be something there. Wasn’t it scrying? Looking into something and seeing stuff or something like that? Or what about in the Dead Marshes where the dead were drawing in people who passed? Tying real life to a grand fantasy story wasn’t ideal but, hey, it seemed to have a few parallels.

Henrietta was a heavy magic place filled with energy, especially after Lynch and the bitches had fixed some shit. Joseph had felt it when he’d first arrived here, if not knowing exactly what it was that he’d been feeling. Maybe because Diana was kind of sort of magical, she’d been able to detect something that he hadn’t and whatever that was had led her to the pool? And if that was true then had she be drawn to the water like he and his father had? Joseph was a dreamer and his father was a dream person. Plus, before he’d died, he’d been able to detect dream objects in the first place. Maybe that was why the pool had drawn them in?

There were one too many maybes for his liking.

“What if…” Joseph practically whispered as Walnut’s tail continued to thump rhythmically against the wall, chewing on his thumbnail while he stared at his startup screen that he wasn’t even bothering to login on, “she got dragged in? Is that possible?”

Wasn’t anything possible in Henrietta? Being dragged down into a magical pool of water totally wasn’t that weird in a shithole like this. The question now became where did one go when dragged down the shithole’s magical pool? Hell, it was probably one of many magical shithole pools.

Diana had definitely either heard or sensed something that made her trek to the pool. And whatever it was that had caught his and his father’s attention had caught hers as well. The difference was that Diana had been alone and had no one to stop her from the danger. She’d been dragged in whether physically or not. Dragged deep down somewhere. Alive, most likely, but underground in the world of magic.

“The fuck is my life, man,” Joseph groaned into his hands, tired of everything having to be so complicated. The last thing he wanted was to disappear without telling Diana but how the fuck was he supposed to tell her exactly? There was no time for an adventure when he was leaving for Jersey in the morning. “What. The. Fuck. Is. Life. Goddamn.”

Goddamn.

He tried not to let the guilt eat at him the next morning when he found himself in the backseat of the Audi, on their way to the airport. Joseph had actually wanted to do a road trip kind of thing back to Jersey but he wasn’t able to get anyone to agree to his great idea. Apparently at least six hours in a car was not as exciting as he thought it would be but what the hell did they know? Not one of them, whether it be his mother, father, or his tétka had ever gone on a road trip anyways. They couldn’t possibly have knowledge on the matter but Joseph had been overruled and that was that.

Much like how Diana was a ‘that was that’ situation.

“Fuck,” he muttered under his breath, his hand reaching out to pet Walnut except…his dog was nonexistent.

Another piece of guilt chipping at his crappy heart.

Gwen had turned up early in the morning, around the same time the people took their furniture for donations, Eva and Eve and the youngest sister whose name passed his mind at her hip. He’d thought it was for one last goodbye, which it kind of was, except it seemed she had a bigger idea in her head.

“Why don’t you leave your big oaf with me?” Gwen said, almost casually as she rubbed Walnut’s huge head. They were in the driveway, just kind of chilling. Joseph had been ready since three in the morning so he was allowed to just stand around with Gwen while the rest of them got ready. “I bet Jersey is a big deal for someone like her.”

Joseph’s brows went up in surprise, unable to disagree. He’d been so worried about Walnut this whole time because he knew the adjustment was going to be really hard on her. Leaving her with Gwen had never even occurred to him though. “Like, you’ll take her in?”

Eve scratched Walnut’s chin and gave her a kiss. Which was totally gross. Joseph did not and never would kiss any animal, no matter if it was his or not. There were just certain things that health beat out and that was kissing animals. “I think she’d love our house. And our backyard is huge. Might be better for her, don’t you think?”

The twin wasn’t really someone Joseph knew but man, did she talk nicer to him than Eva ever had. But then, maybe that was because they didn’t really know each other. “I mean…” It’d kill him not to be able to see her but her happiness came first. Joseph knew that Jersey wasn’t a good fit for his big hound, especially when she’d been raised here. Biting on his lip that had no intentions of healing anytime soon, Joseph pet Walnut between her loopy ears, getting a happy bark in response. “I bet you’d like to stay here, huh? Jersey is a tough place, you know, and someone like you is just too big and sweet for a place like that.”

He’d come pretty damn close to bawling his eyes out as he squeezed a hug out of his mutt and even took the time to write damn near two pages on everything she did and liked. Joseph trusted Gwen and her girls to take good care of his dog but still. Everything had to be done correctly to make sure Walnut was as happy as could be. He even planned weekly video calls because like hell if he was going to let his dog forget him. Joseph hadn’t gone through all the trouble of naming and raising her for nothing, thank you. Walnut better damn well know who he was every week, which dogs usually did, but still.

Glancing out the car window, Joseph yawned as he listened to his parents speak, his father having handed over his rental yesterday. It was weird all of them being in a car again, seemingly like any other day back in Jersey. He figured this was what life was going to look like soon and if it was, well, then it would be a blessing. Maybe if he only had to think about things like school, friends, and relationships, and less about magic, dragons, Lynch, and bitches then he could be happier.

Maybe. He made no promises and neither did the world or fate so it was all up in the air for now.

Kind of like Diana. It was going to eat the hell out of him not knowing where she was. What had happened, he’d more or less figured out but where did the pool take her? He stared out and the mountains surrounding the valley Henrietta sat in, the mysteries sitting with it. Henrietta was a whack ass place, that was for sure. It held magic and secrets that the normal mind would never understand.

Joseph couldn’t help but wonder if not understanding was actually better than everything he’d been through. Probably, right? But then…probably not. He hated the magic and the craziness of not having a normal life but he couldn’t help but wonder how it would be missing that aspect of himself. The childlike love he’d had for his power and dreams. The wonder.

It was difficult to compare something like that. Life was always full of what-ifs. No one could ever have the answers for those.

Staring off into the wonders of Henrietta, its valley, mountains, forests, and wonders, Joseph wondered if he’d ever come back here. If he’d ever want to come back here.

The funny thing was, he really had no answer for that.

“Breathe in deep, sweetheart,” his mother laughed as they stepped out of the Newark airport, the busyness of the area almost shocking him. Which was funny because it wasn’t like it was his first time in Newark or at this airport.

Henrietta had definitely gotten him used to the quiet.

Joseph breathed in as deep as his cocaine and smoke ruined lungs could, his burned nasal septum hurting just a touch. “Smells like Jersey,” he couldn’t help but laugh, shocked by the smile that was on his own face. His stomach had been in knots the entire flight but here they were.

They were home.

Kind of. They needed about a half hour drive to Hoboken but hey, they were in the state. “Did your man rent a car or something?” Joseph asked as they waited for his father and his tétka to collect their bags. They’d offered to help but his father was in all out helpful Ivo mode and told them to meet him outside.

“Go breathe in our damn good polluted air.”

So they did.

“My man did not tell me anything,” his mother replied with a huge yawn, stretching her arms up high and letting out a satisfied groan. “But I’m sure your tetíncho is going to pick up your tétka, don’t you think?”

Plausible. Joseph had seen him a year ago so it wasn’t too much on his heart to handle him. “One SUV isn’t going to fit all of us and-” Joseph started before he paused as an Escalade pulled up to the loading curb. It was his father’s, he knew that, because those were the custom rims they’d picked out together. There were very few people his father trusted to drive his cars.

His mother, tetíncho Yulian, Venc when he’d still been in the land of the living, and Asen were the only approved folks that Joseph knew of. Whether this list had been upgraded, he had no clue but he sure hoped he’d be added soon. Hell, he’d take another driving test just to prove that he was worthy of driving his father’s beautiful cars.

The car was put in park and the hazard light turned on before the driver door open and a man came out. Joseph knew this man very well on account that they even had a blood bond between them. “Oh my shits, that just may be Asen!” Joseph couldn’t help but laugh, shocked by his own delight at seeing the older man walk over to them, a smile on his own face. “My, my, have you not aged?”

Joseph was pretty sure that he looked older than eighteen at this point in his life but he knew that was the drugs and abuse he put his body through.

Asen on the other hand? Shit, the man was still glowing a lovely thirty-five like when he’d been his guard, even though he’d hit forty over the summer.

“I heard kids keep you young,” Asen laughed as he parked himself in front of Joseph, his eyes taking him in from head to toe. “He sure sounds like Joseph, even still looks mostly like him.”

“But?”

Meeting Joseph’s eyes with those strangely powerful grey ones of his, Asen finished “His eyes don’t have the sparkle anymore. I bet we can fix that though.”

Well, his confidence was still as cute as ever.

Chapter Text

Not even bothering to wait for his tetíncho to arrive though his uncle swore he was at the entrance of the airport, Joseph, his parents, and Asen drove off with his tétka cursing them to hell. But she’d been laughing so maybe it wasn’t such a big deal. It was all amusing and she was in damn good spirits so it’d worked out in the end.

What kind of was a big deal, for at least the time being, was the fact that Asen had insisted to sit in the middle row of the Escalade with Joseph. It meant conversation and despite how happy Joseph really was to see him, it didn’t mean he was ready for so much conversation.

“You ready for school?”

He’d been waiting for that question to arrive after the many inquires after his health and drug status. Asen knew no bounds. People thought he was a quiet person but he really really wasn’t.

Kind of like Joseph, actually.

“I guess,” Joseph murmured as he watched Newark pass them by in a flash. Cities here became a new one once a certain street was passed. He was so used to Henrietta and Joseph hadn’t even realized it until Jersey started to give him a headache. There were just too many damn cars, people, and noise. “It’s just homeschooling.”

Asen hummed, his eyes practically burning Joseph alive. “Why homeschool? You might as well finish your last year in public school.”

“Exactly what I said,” his mother called from the passenger seat, her voice just a tad disgruntled. Just a tad. It didn’t make Joseph feel bad about fighting her about it though. He was a stubborn bastard who got what he wanted when he tried hard enough.

He hadn’t really bothered explaining it to anyone before but he might as well now. It wasn’t like Asen’s questions were going to stop. He’d keep poking at Joseph until he confessed something. “Everyone my age here is starting college. It’s insulting because I’m smarter than them.”

“Narcissistic to the last breath,” Asen snorted, but as much as it was annoyed, it was oddly affectionate too. He gave a quick glance to his phone before he added “And if that was something you were annoyed by, you could have easily fixed that in elementary or even middle school. It’s a little too late when it’s senior year, don’t you think?”

Joseph knew that but it hadn’t bothered him until now. In Henrietta, his crew were all in his grade, despite their range in ages. But here, how could he have Emilio be in college before him? Lower grades hadn’t matter but college sure did now.

Giving his most nonchalant glace as possible even though Asen was already on to his feelings, Joseph asked “Your brother is in college now?”

“Maximillian?” Asen asked as he typed something on his phone. “He starts in September.” He laughed and added “My mother says that she is finally done raising children. She thought Maximillian would never grow up but then, she is the one so insistent in keeping him a child.” Asen shrugged and slid his phone in the pocket of his jeans, “I don’t think she’ll be so happy if he ever decides to move out.”

“No one is when their baby leaves,” Joseph mother said, shooting Joseph a finger gun from the passenger seat. “You and me forever, young grasshopper.”

About to tell her that it wasn’t like he could hold his life together by himself as it was, Joseph was beat to the speaking stick by Asen. “How long do you guys need to settle in?”

His mother’s mouth twisted down in thought as she flicked her eyes from Joseph to his father to Asen. “Honestly, probably not much. My house is ready and I’m sure it’s clean so besides for putting away clothes or whatever, I don’t think we’ll need more than a day or two.” She nodded to Joseph, “What do you think?”

More than a day or two was plenty but Joseph couldn’t help but wonder why Asen would ask. He hadn’t asked Joseph’s father who you could say was needed for business. No, he’d asked them meaning…he wanted something. Their time, most likely. “Dunno. Two days should be more than enough.” Giving Asen a wary glance, Joseph asked “Why?”

Adjusting himself in his seat, Asen gave him an unimpressed look. One brow up, one down, and eyes totally saying ‘watch yourself, kitten.’

Words that Asen had actually said to Joseph once upon a long time ago.

“What exactly are you accusing me of, child?” Asen asked, daring Joseph to give him more attitude back. Asen was a little more than two decades older than Joseph, a year younger than his mother actually. But he’d never been a stickler for manners and things outside of them acting like friends. They’d spent a long while being each other’s company when Damyan had been around. Plus, there was the matter of him almost dying on Joseph’s behalf.

That was a big big deal.

Maybe because Maximillian was Joseph’s age, Asen let him get away with a lot because he was used to his own brother’s attitude. “You’re obviously asking for a reason.”

“I am in fact. My mother wants all of you for dinner. It’s a big affair as all Kovachev things are. All my brothers, a majority of the nieces and nephews, and my parents. Lovely sounding, isn’t it?”

No, no it didn’t sound lovely at all. Joseph had no intentions of going to any kinds of dinners or whatever. For that matter, Joseph had never even been to Lord Dobrev’s house in his life. He’d met the old man maybe three times at the most; the five seconds at the hospital did not count. They’d been to Asen’s house but not Lubomir’s.

There was a vast difference.

“Oh, she doesn’t have to,” his mother said, adjusting the air condition. Joseph didn’t know if Asen heard the reluctance in his mother’s voice or not but being that he’d been a mobster since twelve, he was sure he’d caught it. “No need to trouble herself.”

From the wide smile on his face, Asen had definitely heard it. “She already cooks for like fifty people as it is. Trust me, three more is not a trouble. Also, my lady, she told me to tell you that you are not in the position to refuse her as in our mob duties, we are to greet the Lady back to her town. It’s basic courtesy and expected of us.” He upturned his hands and shrugged, practically on the edge of a laugh, “Whatever can you do?”

Joseph’s mother was thinking exactly what Joseph was as she turned to his father who wasn’t even bothering to say a word, simply humming to the music as he drove. “What’d you do to Asen while we were gone?”

“Don’t blame me,” his father snorted, his voice almost offended by the idea. “Blame that crazy ass family inviting us for dinner.” Asen laughed but didn’t bother to disagree. “Why does she have to invite with everyone? Can’t we at least be alone?”

“Are you refusing my mother, Ivo?”

He had no idea when was the last time or if ever Joseph had heard Asen call his father by name. It was always ‘my lord.’ But then…maybe when they were alone or out of business mode, it was common. What did Joseph know? “No, I am simply complaining.”

“Rude.”

“Maybe,” his father replied, not a care in the world. Offending Lady Iskra was apparently not on his list of fucks to give. Joseph was sure that after all these years, his father had offended her before anyways. No way after all this time not once did she not get bothered from him. “I’ll complain to her myself when we go.”

Staring up at his house, Joseph almost felt like he wanted to cry. Literally. He knew he was homesick, sure, but he hadn’t known he was this homesick. “Jesus Christ,” he muttered in disdain to himself, attempting to wipe his eyes without making it look like he was. “Jesus fucking Christ.”

“Blasphemy, kiddo,” Asen said, stretching just a bit to rest his elbow on Joseph’s shoulder. “Damn, blasphemy. Kinda weird when you realize you miss something so much, huh?”

He settled for a nod rather than words. Just looking at their white door that, to this day, his mother wanted to paint green, made him want to rub his hands on it like it was holy. Their stoop still had his mother’s baskets of flowers, bright and alive like someone had been working hard to care for them.

Or had simply replaced them every time they died. It was a toss up really. His father was a dedicated man but there was no way the same flowers were still alive after all this time.

“Are you comfortable being back?”

The question took him by surprise as he turned to stare at Asen in confusion. There were their bags to take down but his father had insisted that Joseph just relax. He had a bum arm for now but his other worked just fine. It seemed wrong to stand while his parents did the work. “What do you mean?”

Eyes searching his, Asen slid his arm down and stood firm with his hands in his pockets. He looked a little thinner but other than that, this man was too handsome for his own good. “Are you comfortable? Or were you dragged here?”

A little more personal than he’d been expecting. Asen was lucky he’d nearly died for Joseph. “It was my choice but mayko did suggest it. But she wouldn’t have dragged me without my agreement.”

Nodding thoughtfully, the older man tilted his head as he asked “Are you comfortable being around your bashtá? Living with him?”

Oh man, was he a lucky undead bastard. Chewing on his lip while trying to keep his anger down, Joseph clasped his hands behind his back and tried to keep his nasty tongue behind his teeth. “What kind of question is that?”

“Does it bother you?”

“It’s not your business.”

Asen hummed, his face blank as fresh canvas. “If it ever comes to a point where you aren’t, my house is open. My mother’s. Remember that when things feel too hard because there will probably come a time when it feels that way.”

Both offended and flattered, Joseph took a deep breath and looked away from those damn eyes. He knew Asen more or less knew everything that had happened but it was different when he was saying it to Joseph’s face. Kind of offensive, really. Plus, why the fuck would he even think that Joseph would go to Lady Iskra’s house anyways? He’d go to his tetíncho before anyone else because he’d learned his mistakes from the past. Tetíncho Yulian would take care of him no matter what, Joseph knew that now.

“I’m not going to assume whatever the current standing of your relationship is,” Asen continued, Joseph turning away hardly a dot on his page. “I’m not going to assume whatever it is you’ve forgiven him for-”

“Then let’s not talk about it,” Joseph said, cutting off the conversation before it could go on because he would only go down this road with a few people and Asen wasn’t on that list. They didn’t do heart to hearts and they weren’t starting now. Joseph’s tarnished soul was his to bare when he wanted to, not before or on someone else’s time. “It’s not your business, Asen.”

He nodded, giving Joseph one last long look before shrugging like he never cared in the first place. “If you actually think,” Asen finally said after a long moment of staring, a little peak of laughter in his voice, “you are more of a challenge to me than Maximillian, then my little cynic friend, you are not. You’re not half of what Max can be. So if you think playing nasty, giving attitude, and trying to act oh so rude is going to stop me from pushing, you are very very wrong.”

Man, Maximillian had to be a character for his personality to be worse than Joseph’s rude one. He’d never met him but Asen had talked about him before. Really, just simple complaints about a moody teenager but Joseph hadn’t figured that Maximillian could be nasty. Hell, he didn’t think Lady Iskra would let someone get away with an attitude like that. “Maybe you should take the hint hint when we give you nasty attitude and leave us alone.”

Asen made a little clucking noise with his tongue to the negative. “Nah, I like a good challenge. I’ve been mobbing since twelve, little Lord, and fuck you if you think you, or Max for that matter, can actually beat me in this game of wits we have going.”

Honestly, Joseph was quite offended at being cursed at by Asen. “That hurt.”

“Good.” Closing the last step between them, he knocked Joseph gently on the upper arm with a fist and said before walking over to his car “Think about that when you try so hard to hurt mine. Because no one can be as stubborn as a Kovachev and like hell if you think you’re going to get away with shit with me.”

Chapter Text

Joseph stared at his bed, long and hard, and then long and hard all over again. This was his bed. His room. His stuff that he’d left behind. Dropping his backpack on the floor without a care for its contents, Joseph made the few steps to his full-sized bed and sat down on the edge as if it was the holiest thing on the planet.

He was home. He was home and this was the craziest thing next to Diana being dragged down a magic pool. And Lynch being a dreamer. And Finlay actually liking him. Joseph just being a dreamer in general.

Pretty much, it was crazier than all the crazy in his crazy ass life. That was literally how monumental this moment was. Just…taking a seat on his own bed. All casual like.

If the place had been dusty, Joseph would assume that no one had ever entered his room, that nothing had ever been moved but he knew better than that. It wasn’t like his room was capable of dusting itself. “Who cleaned before we arrived?” Joseph couldn’t help but ask his watchful mother who was just standing like a statue in his doorway. His parents were both very good at doing that, especially silently. “Your man has been in Henrietta with us.”

“Ivet and Albena,” his mother murmured, the question not a speck on her radar. “They cleaned up for us.”

Poor Albena. But she’d always been a messy child so a little dusting was good for her. Teach her proper cleaning and whatever. “We’re home.”

A smile cracked her façade. “Crazy, isn’t it?”

It was. Freaky almost and Joseph had no idea how to handle it. He felt like if he moved off his bed, the dream would come to an end. Or worse, end up in a nightmare. Scratching at his pressure sleeve with a delicate touch, Joseph watched his mother for a moment before whispering “Is it silly to say I’m nervous?”

Her smile softened from humor to love as she walked over and sat down beside him, pulling him into a soft hug. She dragged his head down for a kiss to his growing hair and replied “It’s okay to be nervous, sweetheart. Even if it’s home, it’s still a big change. It’ll take time to adjust, just like in any other place.” Cupping his face and making that scary eye contact of hers, his mother added “I know it’s silly to already say that things are going to get better but I’m going to sit here and say that to you, okay? Even if it seems like it won’t or we fight or whatever, even then, things will get better from here. You got me?”

Roving his gaze over her face, Joseph found that despite the skepticism he was feeling, he totally believed her every word. It was a scary thing to put that much hope into the unknown future but maybe that was the leap he needed to take this time. Not so much caution to the wind as much as it was taking baby steps along the road of recovery. He knew it was going to be long, hell, every single person had only ever said that it’d take time, but Joseph felt ready to take a baby step or two. Not much, but a couple would be okay. Wasn’t that what he’d already done in trusting Dr. Cho? His family? His crew who he knew were there for him, even when they were ugly to each other?

“I got you,” Joseph murmured, pulling her into a hug and resting his head on her shoulder. It was such a calming thing that he closed his eyes just stayed that way until his heart stopped pounding in his chest, coming to a rhythmic beat of comfort instead. “I’m sorry if I say nasty things along the way.”

“I’ll understand when you do, don’t worry.”

“Or if I’m just nasty in general.”

“It’s okay.”

“I’ll try my best when I can.”

“I know you will.”

Smiling to himself, still in his mother’s arms, Joseph laughed and added “It might not be too often though. Fair warning.”

Pressing a kiss to his temple, his mother replied “Don’t you worry about it. You just try when you can. Don’t push yourself too hard. We’re going to take this planck by planck, my dear child.”

It was a small enough measurement for Joseph to feel comfortable taking. It was plausible, unlike any other measurement that may rush him when he wasn’t quite ready. “I guess I should start fixing my shit.”

“I guess,” she laughed, breaking their hug but keeping her hands on his shoulders, she gave him a big smile, as bright as it used to be. It almost made him want to cry, getting to see that smile again in this house. “I should probably put mine away too. Ain’t no one doing it for us, huh?”

“Well, your man just might if we asked him to.”

Smile faltering just a bit, his mother booped his nose before saying “I know that you’re not ready for anything further than that but can you try to make it sound a little less rude? He’s still your father, regardless, and he’s older than you.” She squished her thumb and forefinger together, squinting as she did. “Like just this much a little less rude, okay? Just a planck.”

It was supposed to be a serious moment, he knew that, but Joseph laughed anyways. He couldn’t help it from the face she was making. “Mayko, a planck is way smaller than that. Just saying.”

“Well, then just try this much,” she repeated, emphasizing her squished fingers with a wave of her hand. “For me. Okay? I raised you good and I know you know that speaking to someone who is much older and closer to middle aged than not in that manner is incredibly disrespectful.”

Joseph obviously knew that. He was just having trouble finding a way to refer to his father without calling him ‘father.’ It was complicated; he wasn’t intentionally trying to be rude, at least not right now, but he needed some way to call his father. Joseph just couldn’t seem to find the right way to do it. “I…don’t really know how else to call him though.”

She nodded, “I get it. I do, baby. I’m not saying to rush yourself into anything you are not ready for. But I need you to remember what respect is. I don’t just mean your bashtá either; I don’t like the way you were talking to Asen. He is a man who is old enough to be your father and the way you were talking was not okay.”

He hadn’t even realized she’d been paying that much attention to him and Asen talking in the middle row in the Escalade. There was no way she was talking about when they were outside the house because she’d been in the trunk of the suv.

“You are a very intelligent and aware young man. I expect better, got it?”

“Got it.” Kind of. He’d only be rude to his father when he thought it was needed. It was still wrong but for now, that was how it was going to go. His father hadn’t earned the entirety of his forgiveness nor forgetfulness yet. “I got it.”

It took much longer than he expected to put all his stuff away and once he was done, it felt strange. He found himself sitting right back on his bed, looking around his room that hadn’t changed one bit. It was like he was supposed to be here and yet not. It was his room but it wasn’t.

Maybe Henrietta had become home more than he’d realized.

Glancing up at the blank wall above the head of his bed, Joseph hummed as he mulled over his idea before getting to his feet. He needed his photo wall. It was too strange not to be able to look at his pictures when he wanted. Joseph glanced at his other walls, still beige and now too boring for him. His Henrietta room had been colorful despite the fact that colorful wasn’t really his thing. There’d been purple, blue, and the tan of the house walls. His huge map of Middle Earth.

Suddenly, his Jersey room was pale compared to his other one. It needed work if this was going to be home again. A lot of work. Redecorating and maybe even rearranging. He needed to change it up to feel like life was moving forward, not stuck in an everlasting limbo. There weren’t many ways to rearrange his room because it was only decent in size but it was large compared to what rooms in Jersey were like. He could move his bed to side or something. That’d be considered a change, wouldn’t it? Even if only minor. Or maybe he should move everything after he painted. That’d make more sense.

Something had to be done to the room, that he was sure of. Joseph was an arm down so things could get complicated but he could always wait for his crew to arrive. It’d be kind of fun to do a project together, even if it was just his room. It wasn’t like rooms were that easy in the first place.

“Mayko,” Joseph said later, sitting at the island he hadn’t sat at in years, watching his mother take stock of what was and wasn’t in her kitchen. “We need to go redecorating shopping. I’m thinking of making the guys work once they get here.”

They had to earn their keep, of course.

“Oh?” she replied, seemingly unsatisfied with what little was in their fridge as she grabbed her little notepad that was still up on the door and clicked her pen open. “What are we working on?”

Squishing his face onto the cool tile and already appreciating the refreshing air of Jersey, as refreshing as Jersey humidity could be of course, over Henrietta’s suffocation, Joseph answered “I want to fix my room. It’s kinda…eh?”

“Just eh?”

“It needs a new life. Like me.”

“Wouldn’t it be more fun to do with your friends?” She leaned on the island as she wrote more on her list. “One big ‘hey, let’s go to Home Depot’ thing?”

That actually sounded mildly promising. It was worth the thought. All of them cruising to Jersey City to go to Home Depot. Hell, Joseph could actually drive now; him and Emilio had to walk anywhere they needed to go.

Although sometimes, walking was way better than driving around here.

“Do you think I should call or text Emilio?”

His mother’s pen stopped before she clicked it closed and raised her head, a careful consideration in her deep eyes. “Are you ready for something like that? Keep in mind that maybe he’s not ready either. You guys had a lot between you and then, well, you cut him off. Like a tumor.”

Adding the tumor part was cruel but true. He’d shut down communication between him and Emilio the minute he’d put that letter and his cap on Emilio’s doorstep. Joseph had known what he had been doing but after all those years, as Andrey had put it, cutting everyone off hadn’t worked in the least.

“I sent him a letter like a year ago. When I told you about…” Joseph glanced around, not finding his wayward father. Probably upstairs then. Turning back to his mother who he had known garnered complete attention from, he finished “your man and the, uh, whole thing…” he waved a hand around his head, “up here.”

Nodding slowly and watching his carefully, his mother simply said “Ah.”

“So, like, I opened the line of communication already, you know?”

“Did he ever answer?”

Yeah, the day Joseph had decided to kill himself. Not wanting to drag up memories that weren’t warranted right now, Joseph simply replied “Yes. Not too long ago. Before the coma and all.”

A small smile tilted her mouth in happiness. “Yeah, the coma and all.”

Joseph just shrugged like he hadn’t a care in the world. Man, did he sure wish he didn’t. A fantasy like that would be beautiful. “It sounded as heartfelt as mine had been so I’m going to just assume that if I do reach out, he will be willing to accept it.” He shrugged again and glanced towards the sliding door to the backyard, his mother’s piercing gaze just too much sometimes. “I should try, right?”

“Oh, I think you definitely should. Without a doubt.” Tapping her pen on the granite, she stared at Joseph for a good minute while twisting her mouth before adding “Just, you know, if he wants time, you need to give him that without feeling like he is being rude or something. It’s his right, okay?”

Internally, he totally knew that but Joseph had a feeling that while his head knew it, his heart would take it a bit hard. Emilio had already bared all his heart and grievances in the letter so…he should want to talk, right?

Right.

Or so Joseph figured. Usually, his figuring was pretty good so he had to be onto something here. A text would obviously be easier because there was no actual talking or listening required. A call was probably more gutsy and could get straight to the point.

But Joseph wasn’t feeling to gutsy, even with knowing that the line of communication had already been opened.

A text then was the answer. He just had to make it sound real good.

Really really good.

Chapter Text

Rereading his message to Emilio for what was probably the fiftieth thousandth time, Joseph chewed on his thumbnail in worry. His thumbnail always hurt now because of the new habit he’d developed. After his lips had been dangerously closed to infection, Joseph had tried his best not to chew on the close to bloody black, dry as the freaking Sahara, abused mouth of his. He’d found his cuticles and nails but at this point, they hated him as much as his lips did.

Hey, this is Joseph. I got your number recently and I was hoping we could talk. I’m back in Jersey btw. We arrived today. If you feel uncomfortable or don’t want to talk to me, I understand but I really hope you will, even if it’s just to yell at me. Hope to hear from you Bromilio

It hit all the points but something wasn’t right. It was…bland? No, that wasn’t quite it. Joseph wasn’t sure how to describe it but the words didn’t sound like they had any feeling to it. Like it was just a routine message to a doctor or something.

How to fix it was beyond him.

Joseph considered asking his mother to read it over for him; she would know the right words to put. It seemed silly though. Asking his mother to fix a text to his own ex and bestie? It was almost insulting. No, Joseph needed to figure this one out himself, in respect to everything him and Emilio had ever had between them.

Or maybe he should just send it as is.

It really wasn’t that bad, was it? It hit all the necessary points like it was supposed to. The message was just eh. Feelings were lost in the typing was all. Emilio would understand. If there was one thing Emilio was always good at, it was understanding. Especially when it came to understanding Joseph.

Yeah, it’d be fine. He should just go for it.

Clicking send while sending up a numerous amount of prayers to his best buddy who didn’t always listen all the way up there, Joseph flipped his phone over after putting it on silent. He had no idea what Emilio’s life or schedule was like right now but he didn’t want to look. When he answered, he answered. Staring and waiting would do nothing.

It was night of the day they arrived and after leaving his phone behind on his bed, Joseph trekked his way down the steep stairs he hadn’t used to think were that steep and stood beside their kitchen table. Tapping his knuckles on it, Joseph stared at their table that was still the same table since he was a child. They’d eat all their meals here unless it was quick and small then they’d sit on the stools at the island. There was a proper dining room, of course, but it was fancy and rarely touched. It was a little ways behind the living room, with a plush carpet and an eight person table set. The fancy dining room was kind of sectioned off so whenever Joseph wanted to do something that required quiet but still wanted to sit with everyone else, he’d sit on that plush carpet in comfortable silence.

Deciding to go for the nostalgia of the silence and plush carpet which Joseph was sure was vacuumed, he bounced his way over and dropped down onto the carpet and rested his back onto the wall. He should’ve brought a book since he’d dumped his phone but there was no way he was dragging his butt back up those stairs. As he tapped his head against the wall to the beat of his heart, Joseph couldn’t help but let his thoughts drag back to the phone he’d just left lying there. Without anyone to answer it. What if Emilio decided to respond in a call? What if Emilio as giving him some kind of reply time limit that was a test and Joseph had already failed?

“What are you up to?”

Joseph focused his eyes on the face peeking around the wall. His father’s face actually looked younger since they’d arrived back home. He wasn’t sure if that was even possible but by the fresh look on the man’s face, it sure looked it. “Can we redecorate the house?”

It was a stupid question. They were always allowed to redecorate as they pleased. Laziness was usually the reason they never did. Plus, not wanting to be wasteful. If something still worked and looked good, why change it? They may be rich people but they weren’t just the spendy spendy type of people.

Coming fully into the dining room and pulling out a chair that had rarely ever had a guest to seat, his father sat down and shrugged. “I don’t care. Since when did we need to ask to do something like that?”

He was totally right but Joseph had to say something before his big mouth blurted his worries about Emilio and the text message. “I want to go like all out. New furniture and walls and granite and whatever. Full makeover. I think our house could use it, don’t you?”

“Well, mayko has been saying for years that she wanted to redo the kitchen. She still has all those granite and cabinet books too.” His father glanced around as if he had never seen the house before and added “New furniture couldn’t hurt. I mean, we’ve had most of this shit since we moved in.”

Eighteen years was more than enough. Joseph was sure that the house would appreciate his devotion to it. They could start with paint and then move to the kitchen and furniture. It’d be a hassle but right now, Joseph was sure that keeping himself as busy as possible was key. He’d never gotten to open one of Skov’s robotic kits either; maybe he’d set it up here on the dining table. It wasn’t used and Joseph would have more than enough space.

“Did you ever contact Emilio after I gave you his number?”

Joseph knew his mother hadn’t told his father anything but the fact that this man was so on Joseph’s wavelength was just a little annoying. “Maybe. Maybe not.”

His father’s eye twitched just a bit more than it usually did since Joseph had remade him. The little extra twitch was his annoyance, of course. Joseph was constantly reminding him that yes, good sir, there is still a line between them. Right now, Joseph didn’t want him to forget it. “I see. Well,” his father said in a louder voice as he got to his feet and tapped the table much like Joseph had earlier to the other one, “We’re going to Lubomir’s for dinner tomorrow. FYI.”

That was not a couple days. “That fast?”

“Your friends are coming soon and I think it’s better if we went without them and it’d be pretty messed up if we went while they are here and leave them behind.”

It was a good point but Joseph didn’t want to go there in the first place and now he had to go even sooner? “I get it but like…do we have to go?”

Already walking away, his father snorted “Yes.”

The tone of his ‘yes’ left no room for disagreement. Unfortunate. Joseph didn’t care to go have dinner with the entirety of the Kovachev clan. Asen’s family was fine but Joseph didn’t even know the rest of them. He’d maybe met Lady Iskra once. He’d never met Maximillian ever. Joseph only knew stuff from Asen. Word of mouth. And no offense to Maximillian and whatever, Joseph honestly didn’t care to get to know him. Even if he was a friend of Emilio’s.

Emilio.

Fuck it.

Getting to his feet with a groan and a grumble, Joseph dragged himself back to his stupid room that he wanted painted by this week because he couldn’t keep looking at beige. He didn’t bother sitting before he grabbed his phone with all the determination in his soul and clicked the cracked screen alive.

Nothing.

“Okay,” he huffed, half happy and half upset. So he hadn’t answered yet. That was understandable. Completely. He was probably busy at ten at night like most wouldn’t be. What could he possibly be doing this time of night? Who wasn’t checking their phone around this time?

Emilio apparently.

“Okay, okay,” Joseph repeated, sitting down on his bed. He was trying his best not to feel dejected because he was sure that it wasn’t the fact that he was being ignored, Emilio was probably just busy.

Or something.

Tapping his teeth with his phone even though his enamel wasn’t the best it could be, Joseph hummed softly to himself before sighing and dropping back to stare up at his stupid ceiling. It felt wrong to be lying on his bed without an animal present. He’d had Peanut, Waddle, and Walnut. All lovable companions. Maybe that was what he needed; a new pet. Someone to hug and love and cuddle that wasn’t human.

He’d think about it.

By midnight, Joseph was still waiting for a message from Emilio. He didn’t have the guts to send another one but he also had enough hurt feelings to be offended. Couldn’t he just at least send something like ‘I’m not ready’ or something or the other. A ‘k’ would be just as acceptable. He’d be hurt by it, sure, but at least he would have gotten a reply back. A hurtful reply was better than being ignored.

Joseph was still checking his phone every second by two in the morning and by that point, he knew he had to let it go. Emilio was probably asleep. Maybe he’d even turned in early before he’d gotten the message and that was why Joseph hadn’t heard anything. Dr. Cho said he needed to be positive so assuming that Emilio was asleep was the best thing he could do for himself.

Okay.

By three, Joseph had given up on his phone but it seemed like sleep had given up on him too. Or maybe this house really was cursed for insomniacs.

Four o’clock was the breaking point for him as he dragged himself out of bed. If there was no sleep here, then he was going to do something else. Like watch tv or something. Didn’t they always say there was quality programming on in the middle of the night?

Closer to morning than night, five in the morning hit and Joseph was still randomly flipping through channels. Quality, his ass.

By six, Joseph turned his head from the day bed that hadn’t changed and found his father in the doorway, judging him with an eyebrow. “What are you doing?”

Joseph flopped his hands, the remote falling to the floor from impact. “Kinda just flopping like a fish, I guess.” He flopped his hands like fins, “Flop, flop.”

“Right,” his father replied, weirded out if his tone was anything to go by. He was cleaned up in ways Joseph hadn’t seen in Henrietta. His hair was slicked back and the minor facial hair he’d grown was gone. Lord Kavinsky was back in his suit and ready to begin session again. “Dinner is at six, so I’ll come and pick you and mayko up and we’ll go.”

Dinner. Right. Lady Iskra, Lord Kovachev, and clan. Lovely indeed. Very very lovely. “Can we just say I’m sick?”

“No.”

Joseph sighed and rested his head back onto the daybed. He really had nothing against the Kovachevs, he just didn’t want to deal with people he didn’t have to. Why such a formality? Since when had it been such a big deal that they had to invite them to dinner? With everyone. People Joseph didn’t even know and yet had to be in a house with. “I consider this bad for my health and Dr. Cho says I shouldn’t do things that are bad for me so I must humbly decline, sir.”

“Be humble another time,” his father snorted, “on your own time.” His dress shoes clacked on the tile before they went silent on the carpet in the middle of the room. “They’re really not that bad. There’s just a lot of them. And I’m sure you’ll get along with Maximilian.”

Blinking at the man hovering above him, Joseph muttered “Maybe I’m not looking for new friends. You gotta be in the market for that kind of thing.”

His father laughed, his younger self sprouting out again like last night. Adjusting the cuffs of his suit jacket, his father said “A good point but not a winning one.”

“How do I make it a winning one?” If Joseph had a chance, he was taking it. Making him go to a dinner because it was polite was so unfair. A person was never too old to complain about unfairness. “Because we really don’t have to accept, you know. Just saying.”

Straightening his jacket and putting on the dignified and proud image of Lord Kavinsky with that one movement, his father snorted as he walked out “We do and we did and I’ll be here at six. Make sure you’re ready.”

Chapter Text

Without any sleep through the entire day besides a thirty minute power nap at four in the afternoon, Joseph dragged his ass up at five-thirty to bribe his mother into letting him have a shower.

“Nope.”

“But we’re going to a dinner,” Joseph tried to reason, knowing what her answer would be anyways. Hell, he knew what her answer was going to be before he had even walked into her room. She’d been in her bathroom, lotioning her hair. It was longer than ever but Joseph felt like it wasn’t as healthy as it always had been. But then, that probably had to do with the drugs. It was just that with them in this house, he expected to still see his old mother, not the Henrietta one. They’d left that place behind but obviously the ghosts were going to stick with them for a while. “I should clean up?”

“I’ll allow a sponge bath.” She threatened him with leave-in conditioner covered fingers when his mouth barely even opened, “Unsupervised. That’s it. If I so much as see a twitch of superiority, it will become supervised or not happen at all.”

Trying not to grumble or grind his teeth because he’d lose his unsupervised bath time, Joseph muttered “Fine, but like, I wouldn’t be superior about it.”

His mother raised a brow at him because they both knew he was a big ass liar. One look of superiority and she would assume that he’d go further than just a gentle sponge bath. Vesela Dobreva Kavinsky was very far from a stupid woman. She caught onto all shit. “So?”

“Gentle sponge bath, unsupervised. I will not scrub nor grind nor strip my skin. I will simply lather and rinse with the love of a mother on her infant.”

“So poetic,” his mother snorted though he could hear the laugh in her voice. Opening the cabinet beneath her ‘workstation’ in the master bathroom, she pulled out two brand new very soft squishy looking sponges that really could be for infants if they weren’t so big. She held one in each hand, giving them a shake, “Blue or purple?”

Snatching the purple as she laughed at him, Joseph grumbled under his breath during the short trek back to his room. Even if he’d wanted to secretly scrub hard, he had no time. His father would be here soon and he expected them to be ready when he arrived. Joseph needed time to strip, bathe, and get dressed all over again.

Making himself look dinner presentable wasn’t easy when you weren’t presentable in general after a damn suicide attempt. He’d only gained a pound since he’d woken up from his coma and his skin still didn’t have a healthy glow. At least his hair had grown enough to be moderately spiked beyond just a buzz.

By the time he’d finished bathing the most delicate bath session on the planet, Joseph had to rush in getting dressed and fixing his hair. Despite the heat of humid Jersey summer, he still wore a long sleeve to keep his burns safe. He was not fucking that one up. Maybe Joseph would fuck other things up over the course of the next few months but he refused for his burns to be one of them.

“Ready?” his mother asked as she turned up in the doorway, looking more dressed up than Joseph had seen her in years. Her hair was braided long and smooth, draping over the soft pink button shirt she wore, the chiffon sleeves all flooshing around her every movement. “You look good!”

Joseph flicked his eyes to his same dresser mirror that he’d used for years and saw nothing but a tired boy looking back at him. His color was a bit shallow but the sponge bath had helped a bit. With his eyes sunken in and exhausted from the lack of sleep and answer from Emilio, Joseph thought he looked terrible. “Do I?”

“Yeah, of course,” she murmured, walking in and adjusting his shirt on his shoulders. He’d just put on a light black long sleeve and some chinos. The chinos kind of made him think of Aglionby to be honest but they were fancier than jeans and they were skinny so his clothes didn’t look big on his underweight frame. His mother smoothed the shirt on his sides, peeking to see if he was wearing a belt.

The sad thing was that he was, even with his pants kind of sagging. He couldn’t find his good belt that didn’t have holes and instead slid to the size needed. “Do we have to be long?”

He knew he sounded like a whining child but right now, he was willing to. “At least until dessert is served. You know that, my whiny little thing.”

Little was offensive because him and God had worked hard to make him tall. “Just tell them you’re not feeling well but you didn’t want to cancel and then we leave early.” Joseph gave his best smile to his mother and framed his face in the way Skov did when he wanted to be a flower, “Please?”

She laughed but he knew he’d lost. They heard the front door open and his father call out as she took his hand and dragged him away. “You’ll have fun, I swear.”

At least she didn’t promise; he would’ve so held that against her if he didn’t enjoy himself.

It was only about a fiveish minute drive. Like that awkward place between not five minutes but not ten. But like, not specific either. Regardless, through the entire drive, Joseph kept checking his phone. He’d had excited messages from his crew who had their flights tomorrow evening but nothing from Emilio. Did his father have an old number? Was that possible? Joseph doubted it but his head didn’t want to think that maybe Emilio just really didn’t want to talk to him.

Or he was busy. Yeah, just really busy. He’d get back to Joseph soon. That was how Dr. Cho would want him to look at this situation. He was trying his best for his mother and Dr. Cho to be positive when it was possible.

“Goddamn,” Joseph muttered as he got out of the car, which they had to park pretty far because there were too many damn Kovachev cars, and walked to the house. The Kavinskys lived in a very nice house; worth a couple million. Joseph was used to nice, especially after the McMansion in Henrietta.

But goddamn.

“Does he make more money than you?” Joseph couldn’t help but ask his father as he stared up at the unending house. It had to have more floors than theirs did. Even the outside was fancier.

“Nope,” his father replied, staring up with Joseph. “But when he bought this I was still living off my pennies. Houses were cheaper then. Plus, all those boys had to live somewhere, right?”

Right. Eight fuck ass boys. That must be hell. Maybe that was why Maximillian’s personality was shit. Joseph couldn’t even begin to imagine what it was like to grow up with seven older brothers, some who could be your father.

“Jesus Christ,” Joseph snorted as he walked over to the fancy little gate in front of the steps, holding it open for his parents to go first. God help him tonight. God help all three of them actually. Joseph was sure that they were decent people and all but just Jesus. “Say your prayers, y’all.”

His father rang the bell as he laughed. “I see you picked up some small time charm. Y’all.”

Small town charm was more like being around Swan too much. Good ole’ Georgia peach boy. “I could curse instead.”

“Nah, nah,” his father said, shaking his hand in protest as someone opened the door. “I’m sure your dyádo will appreciate the charm instead.” He turned to the now open door and gave a little dip of his head, “My lady, thank you for the invite.”

Lady Iskra stood tall and proud though calling her tall was more figurative than anything else. She just knew how to hold herself. “Drop your formalities, Ivo, as if I didn’t clean your blood off my carpet not too long ago.”

Joseph and his mother shared a look before they both turned it on his father who was trying to smile his way out of the trouble and into the house. They definitely had not heard about any recent bleeding or any bleeding since he’d been in the hospital. “Don’t be ridiculous,” his father snorted, edging his way into the house and leaving them behind, his dress shoes clacking as he went. “It wasn’t that recent.”

Asen’s mother said nothing and instead turned to them, gesturing for them to come in. “Lady Vesela, welcome back to Jersey.”

“I hope it missed me,” his mother replied, bowing her head just a bit before taking Joseph’s hand and dragging him into the lion’s den. “I sure missed it.”

Giving his own quick little bow to woman who could scare the crap out of any man, even while not looking stern in particular, Joseph practically whispered “Hello, nice to meet you.”

A warm finger tipped his head up in the middle of his bow, making him face Lady Iskra’s powerful eyes. Like, more powerful than either of Joseph’s parents. A gaze she probably had needed to have raised eight boys. “If you whisper around here, you’ll get lost in the shuffle. They eat whispers as a snack.”

Surprising himself as he laughed and stood straight, Joseph replied a little louder than before “I’m pretty sure I’m at least taller than everyone. That has to win me points of some sort.”

“Not much,” Lady Iskra snorted, her face not having moved an inch. If Joseph wasn’t so good at listening to tones, no one could have guessed that she was amused. Tapping a finger on his bicep, she said “You’ve got a lot of work to do in the weight department.”

His mother linked her arm in his good one and replied “Oh he does, alright. We’ll get there. Slow and steady wins every time.”

Obviously these two women had probably known each other for a very long time but suddenly, Joseph couldn’t help but wonder if they even liked each other. His mother’s tone was almost threatening, a mama bear protecting her cub. Joseph hadn’t really been offended by the words but he didn’t appreciate being judged the minute he came in.

“Not if the predators are faster.”

Joseph could totally feel the hostility now and he was so not going to be a part of it. He needed to survive through this dinner to see his crew tomorrow. Shrugging out of his mother’s grasp, he glanced between the two mafia women and eased his way away, simply saying that he was going to find Asen.

He was still watching them when his back crashed into someone. Whirling around, Joseph found himself face to face with a boy in glasses. The boy had soft waves and narrow grey eyes with a striking nose. If the word handsome was described by picture only, this boy was it.

That was a problem.

Asen had a son but he was young. A child. His oldest was Darina who was a year younger than Joseph. Since Asen and this boy looked so alike, Joseph was sure that he’d just met Maximillian.

Why had no one mentioned that he was gorgeous?

“You’re not much to look at,” Maximillian finally said, that lovely mouth curling in between a smile and a challenge. Fucking hell, it was a problem that Joseph was currently single. Fucking hell. Man, when Jiang saw him, he was going to freak. “I heard you’ve been through hell but damn, you look worse than that. Maybe you look better when you’re not dragged to a dinner that no one wanted to go to?”

Swallowing and trying to find his voice while not being completely obvious that he was lost in that face, Joseph cleared his throat and scratched his fucked hair, wishing that he didn’t look so shitty in front of such gorgeousness. Did he really look as good as his mother had said? He hoped so. “I came with full devotion and excitement.”

At least, he was feeling some now.

“Sure you did,” Maximillian snorted as he rolled his lovely eyes. Everything about him was lovely. Asen had said his attitude was shit but maybe that was just a between brothers thing. “And I am so excited to see all eight of my assholic brothers whom I must see every week.”

“Sounds like you might need a break? Also,” Joseph added with a shrug, sliding his hands into his pockets, “I don’t really consider Asen much of an asshole.”

Maximillian nodded as he looked over Joseph, “He’s probably on the bottom of the list but we’re Kovachevs, buddy.” He laughed and Joseph wasn’t so sure that loving Swan for deep proper reasons was worth more than loving this one for superficial ones. “We’re all assholes.”

Joseph needed a second to process that laugh before he smiled and replied “Then I guess I will fit right in. Good to know.”

His teeth hated him from how hard he clenched them to stop himself from smiling in pleasure when Maximillian gave him a small laugh of amusement. It was small but it was totally there.

Lord help him get through this night without making himself out to be the idiot that he was. Impressing Maximillian hadn’t been on his list for the night; it’d been more of a survival thing and maybe eat some good food. Crushing on Asen’s brother hadn’t been on the list but then, no one had told him that he was handsome as hell. Sure, Asen was but that was as a handsome older brother thing. This was a ‘oh, shit’ handsome kind of moment. Maximillian was his age and that was a problem for Joseph.

Maybe Finlay too.

Shorter than Joseph as most people were but probably as tall if not a centimeter taller than Swan, Maximillian leaned in just a bit, causing Joseph’s heart to jump. He smelled like expensive cologne and it was definitely a really nice one. “You’re staring a little too hard.”

Joseph’s heart stopped in surprise, not realizing that he’d been so obvious. He didn’t even have the chance to worry about being caught because he had never considered that he would be.

With a small huff of amusement, Maximillian tapped Joseph’s good shoulder. “Dinner should be ready soon. Welcome and have a seat. Don’t let the hyenas eat you.”

Chapter Text

Even if the hyenas were going to eat him, Joseph wouldn’t have been able to notice between all the noise. He found himself sitting in what was probably just the regular living room as it seemed they had two. There were pretty much Kovachevs everywhere and that was in no way an exaggeration.

To his front, seated on the other sofa, was Nathan, Iliya, and Christopher. Nathan was a doctor, Iliya a real estate ceo, and Christopher an accountant of some sort as his answer had been a bit vague. Christopher was the closest to Maximillian in age with about ten years in between. Beside them was a recliner which it seemed was distinctly Asen’s recliner. Joseph had yet to learn why but once Asen would take a seat in his chair, he would be sure to ask.

On the other side of the sofa was a chair but it didn’t recline. It was just a really nice big chair. It belonged to Lubomir and the only people he shared it with apparently were Lady Iskra and Maximillian. Joseph was sitting on a duplicate sofa to the other, the plushness a little tired which was not what he’d been expecting when being in such a fancy house. But with all the people, grandkids, and Ivo Kavinsky bleeding, Joseph guessed that the open living room saw a lot of action.

Joseph had made sure to sit at the end of the sofa so that only one person could sit next to him and on the other side, he’d have Asen and his recliner. Beside him, he had the brother named Zach who never seemed to be quiet. He also seemingly did something in office work though he’d been even vaguer than Chris had. Next to Zachary was Emanuil who never seemed to speak at all.

Not that Joseph minded in the least.

Maximillian was occupied with helping Lady Iskra and hadn’t come to sit once. The last brother, Mariyan, was apparently late. Asen was finally strolling his way over from wherever the inside hallway took a person in this huge house and dropped down into his recliner. “I thought it’d take a lot more to get you here.”

It was both insulting and true. “Don’t be ridiculous. I was very excited to be invited to meet an entire clan of Kovachevs.”

He found himself spooked, his heart jumping, when Lubomir laughed. Joseph found it difficult on how to address him. He was as old as his dyádo had he lived but calling him that way seemed awkward. Chícho could be used because it was like ‘mister’ in Bulgarian but that didn’t sound right either. Mr. Kovachev sounded just weird and Lord Kovachev was too formal.

So Joseph just settled for trying not to interact with him. A simple answer to a difficult situation.

“No one is, don’t lie,” Asen snorted, lazily rocking himself in the chair. Resting his chin in his palm, he asked “How’d you wake up today?”

“Bold of you to assume I even slept.”

“You look mildly fresh. Must’ve gotten some rest.”

Joseph so wasn’t into talking about his health and the thousands of ears around them were only half the reason. “Power nap. Does wonders.” The corner of Asen’s mouth tilted upwards. “I was told that is your exclusive chair. I was denied seating.”

He’d wanted to be able to sit without any sitting beside him.

This time, Asen’s mouth made a full smile, his eyes alight. “It is in fact exclusive. My mother bought it just for me and in a family as big as this one, anything bought for you is priceless.”

A couple of the Kovachevs laughed, mainly Chris and his loud bellow. “Ain’t that the truth,” Iliya snorted, though his face was glowing with humor. Pointing at Asen while speaking to Joseph, he added “We used to beat the crap out of each other for what the other had.”

“Couldn’t win the chair?”

“I didn’t make a play for that one,” Iliya laughed, shaking his head. There was an almost soft look on his face when he spoke. “I definitely did not deserve it compared to him at the time.”

Tilting his head in curiosity, Joseph turned in questioning to Asen. “What time?”

Shrugging like it was all unimportant, Asen answered “When Damyan almost made my insides my outsides.”

Oh.

Joseph couldn’t tell if Asen was really indifferent about it after all this time had passed or he was just doing it for Joseph’s sake. He knew that Joseph had always felt guilty about it. There had been no reason to play outside that day; he should’ve sat his ass down and shut up. Or said something when he thought he saw a hand. Or screamed as Asen was getting almost murdered. “Oh.”

Oh.

Waving him off with a careless hand, Asen dragged his legs up so he was sitting cross-legged. “She bought it to entice me to my first family dinner after the hospital. When something is solely yours in a big family, it is damn enticing, even if the cost is a family dinner.”

Everyone laughed but Joseph wasn’t laughing. The whole situation may have been years ago and maybe they could laugh it off. Joseph sure couldn’t. It wasn’t amusing. Asen had bled into that grass for God knew how long because Joseph hadn’t screamed. The hospital hadn’t been easy; every move made Asen in pain, using the bathroom had been a horror show, and going home hadn’t been a relief. It took a long time before Asen was himself again. Joseph had even heard him crying once in the hospital, his choice of visiting time not optimal as he stood behind the door eavesdropping to Asen crying his suffering and pain to whoever had been there that day. He had no idea who it’d been because Joseph had felt so ashamed for listening and hateful that he hadn’t been able to help that day in the backyard.

“I’m sure we both have enough nightmares to last us a lifetime from then so we’re even,” Asen added, a genuine smile on his face like Joseph’s horrors had even been close to Asen’s pain. It was more like the distance between Hoboken and Shanghai.

Not even close.

Joseph tried his best to smile because he didn’t want to kill the mood or Asen’s easy going demeanor. He felt like shit though. All the gifts Joseph had given him would never close the debt and guilt he felt. “I don’t think we had quite the same amount of pain.”

Asen just kept his hand waving, looking almost ready to knock Joseph’s chin if he kept trying to dampen the mood. “I’m a mafiaso; hospital time is a semi-regular part of my job. You are a child; hits and kidnapping are not part of yours.”

“I’m sure your mother doesn’t appreciate your job requirements,” Joseph said, trying to get a laugh because getting lost in his feelings and head right now was not a good idea. “She ever try to get you fired?”

“You would not believe.”

A hand landed on his good shoulder and right away, he could tell the hand of his mother. Joseph glanced up at her bright face, wondering how her showdown with the lioness had gone. “Why don’t you go see if Maximillian needs help instead of having all these men bug you?”

“We were having a very enriching conversation,” Asen snorted, though he didn’t seem to disagree with Joseph’s mother. “Max probably won’t let you help because he’s a control freak but you might as well try to get him to talk. He doesn’t like to do that much.”

Joseph was surprised; Maximillian totally seemed the type to talk. He was like…the Dick Gansey that Joseph had always been the opposite of. Popular and everyone loved. But then, Maximillian could easily be just as two faced as Kavinsky had been. It was of course always survival of the fittest. “I guess I’ll try my best,” he sighed as if he was doing Asen a grand favor. “Do I get paid?”

Watching Maximillian’s gorgeous face was totally pay though.

Finlay better hurry up and get here.

“Not at all,” Chris answered instead of Asen. Running a hand through hair that was kind of like Jiang’s style, he added with a grumble “Though, no lie, anyone who hangs out with Max totally should be. Or they’re just saints.”

He was quite far from a saint and apparently, he had yet to meet the devil the way they talked about their brother. “Well, wish me luck then.”

The sad thing was that they actually cheered him on as he walked over to where Maximillian was setting a grand looking table that seemed to sit a large amount of people. Needed in a family like this, he supposed. They weren’t like Joseph’s family where they rarely ever step foot in their dining room. “Need help?” he asked once he arrived, leaning on the chair with this good arm cushioning his right. “I set a mean table.”

“I set a meaner one,” Maximillian murmured as he adjusted the plates so intently and to the millimeter that it was almost disturbing. That amount of perfectionism was not healthy. “You’re a guest, go sit.”

“My mother sent me here. Asen said you wouldn’t let me help but I thought my winning smile might get me somewhere.”

Maximillian said nothing as he carefully placed the silverware over folded napkins. Being that Joseph was a man of many quirks and problems, eyeing Maximillian’s was not that difficult. Or at least, one of them wasn’t. “I see you have severe perfectionist problems.”

“Oh, just a bit,” Maximillian replied, his voice soft as he focused on adjusting the cups to being just right. There was a stemmed glass along with a regular one, every single table setting having them exactly four inches from each other. “I like things to be as they should.”

Having the cups be four inches apart was something that Joseph thought didn’t matter really that much but as a man with his own issues, not even counting his fucked dreaming brain, he let Maximillian have it. It took one to understand another. “Must be hard when there’s always so much damn people.”

Eyes flicking up from their focus, Maximillian examined him for a long moment before refocusing on the task at hand. “Besides forced family dinners, I don’t see my brothers much. This house is a very quiet place.”

It was totally creepy how he said it. Totally. Skov’s heeby jeeby meter would be going off right now. “I heard you’re not much of a talker.” Maximillian scoffed but said nothing. “Yeah, me neither, honestly. I prefer quiet. Unless I’m talking about something I like, then apparently, I don’t shut up.”

Placing the last silverware set on the last table setting, Maximillian said “What do you like?”

Easy question. “Cars, animals, and books.”

Finlay. His crew. Emilio.

“I don’t know much about cars and only some about animals, but I like to read.”

Nice. Gorgeous and well read? Goddamn.

“Baking is fun.” He let out a little laugh, but it was like he was annoyed more than laughing, “Well, the end product is fun. Baking is hell.” Adjusting a napkin just a tad, Maximillian glanced up at Joseph and stared for a long minute before he asked “Does Emilio know you’re here?”

Joseph was sure that he’d liked Maximillian a lot more a minute ago. Right now? Maybe not so much. “According to the positivity my doctor is trying to instill in me, no, because that would mean he’s not ignoring my message.” That bastard. How hard was it just to send at least one letter so that Joseph knew that he’d read it? “But my brain is smarter than positivity and there’s no way he hasn’t read it.”

“So he should know.”

There was no way Emilio hadn’t read the message yet. No way. “I guess?”

Maximillian hummed before he shrugged. “Oh well, I guess. Not my business. I was just curious if I’m not supposed to mention that I saw you.”

Did they talk that often? See each other that much? Joseph couldn’t help the little spit of jealously stabbing his heart. He understood that people moved on, especially the way Joseph had left Emilio, but like…couldn’t he just answer? At this rate, Joseph would probably send a second message and be an annoying clingy jerk.

“Unless you want me to specifically tell him?”

He didn’t come to a stupid dinner to be quizzed about Emilio. In fact, he hadn’t even expected his name to come up. Subconsciously, he knew that Emilio and Maximillian were friends, sure, he just hadn’t expected Maximillian to straight up talk about it. But then, Asen and his brothers had been hinting a lot about his personality so maybe he should have. Maximillian wasn’t being rude, yet, but Joseph didn’t appreciate him barging in when they’d only met. “No thanks.”

Lady Iskra’s eyes were brown but, damn, when Maximillian tilted his head and watched him from behind his glasses, did he look like the lioness Joseph had escaped. It was honestly a little scary. “You sure? Always best to face your demons head on.”

“Is Emilio a demon?”

“He’s one of yours,” Maximillian replied, leaning forward on the chair across the table from Joseph. “You should get it out of the way before you don’t have the nerve anymore.”

Joseph snorted in annoyance and turned away from that burning gaze. It didn’t matter how gorgeous he was, Joseph was officially starting to get irritated from Maximillian. “Maybe you shouldn’t stick your nose in something that isn’t your business.” He watched as who had to be Mariyan walked into the house, a woman with him. “It has nothing to do with you.”

“Cute of you to think so,” Maximillian laughed and it wasn’t the nice laugh from earlier that Joseph had liked the sound of. It was one of those laughs that Jiang did before he hurt someone, whether physically or mentally. “But I will be the one listening to him whining about it and he’s really annoying when he keeps whining.”

His teeth would hate him later as he grinded his jaw back and forth. Joseph was sure that Maximillian had meant it in a friend way but Joseph was totally offended on Emilio’s behalf. Not that he had the right to. He’d dumped that friendship and that was always going to be on him.

Turning back to face a still waiting for his prey lion, Joseph said “If you were me, what would you do? Do you even know anything to make your judgements so quick?”

“Oh, I know plenty. And if I were you, I’d just show up at his place and force him to talk.” He shrugged, done with the conversation apparently as he turned to walk back to the kitchen. Before he went, he paused and added “But that’s me. I don’t like unanswered or unfinished things. Kicks my brain into an angry overdrive.” Maximillian shrugged again, “It’s all up to you.”

Chapter Text

All through dinner, while sitting beside Maximillian who was starting to come out of his polite shell, Joseph was stuck wondering if facing Emilio head on was really the correct answer. He still had no text from his previous bestie. At this point, Joseph was sure that he was being ignored. There was just no way Emilio hadn’t read the message. It didn’t matter how busy he supposedly was; it’d be nearly impossible to believe that he hadn’t looked at his phone once yet.

The question became what should Joseph do next? He had no idea; it was a thought in progress that didn’t seem to be making any movement.

Rolling around his last potato of a too large meal, Joseph glanced over to Maximillian’s plate, half wondering if he could get the potato over there, when he realized that his forced companion was eating no better than he was. Did bad eating habits run in Bulgarian teens or something? “Not hungry?” Joseph couldn’t help but ask, but softly because if Maximillian was like Joseph, he didn’t want people noticing.

Maximillian looked at Joseph and glanced down at both of their plates before an amused giggle escaped him. It was the damn cutest thing Joseph had heard and he’d heard a lot of cute things in his life. “Guess we found something in common.”

“Bad eating habits? The hate for food?” Joseph didn’t necessarily hate food, he just hated the constant forced nutrition. But staying healthy and making sure his grafts healed properly required nutrition. “The hope that we can slide it in someone else’s plate?”

A snort sounded across from him, his father apparently listening to the very quiet conversation despite the loud one that was taking over the table. Joseph gave him a subtle thumbs up and a smile before tilting his plate just enough for the potato to slide to the edge. His father sighed but regardless, he stabbed his fork into the potato and ate it, sparing just a second to make sure that his dangerous wife beside him didn’t notice.

Joseph was tempted to laugh but he knew that’d catch his mother’s attention which was for now focused on Nevena, Asen’s wife. “She’ll probs kill you.”

“High chance,” his father murmured as he stuck out his fork and took the two now sitting at the edge of Maximillian’s plate who’d tilted his own in hope of some help. “Now the question becomes if I’m more scared of my wife or bába Iskra over there.”

One of those little giggles escaped Maximillian again and Joseph was sure that it wasn’t good for his health. Taking a sip of his water, Maximillian asked “And the answer?”

“Honestly? It depends on the minute. They’re both equally terrifying. All Bulgarian women are.”

“All Bulgarian women are what?” his mother asked, giving Joseph and Maximillian a look when they tried not to laugh. She tapped his father’s cheek, “What are we, Ivo?”

“Goddamn queens,” he laughed, snagging a green bean from her plate. It wasn’t like there wasn’t food on the table but he seemed content picking from here and there. “That’s the full truth.”

His mother knew that he was lying but she just rolled her eyes before focusing on Joseph. “You finished your food?”

She was skeptical; Joseph could totally hear it in her voice. His mother knew him well and because she did, she knew that her son did not eat that fast. Like, ever. “Yup. It was good.”

Eyes flicking to Maximillian, his mother examined his plate before her eyes darted back to Joseph. Her skepticism turned to a minor judgy look as she turned to his father. “How, Ivo,” she began, her voice low but no less frustrated, “is he supposed to get better if you eat his food for him?”

Not bothering to lie because they were totally already found out, his father sighed and set his fork down. “It was just a potato. One. I’m sure he’ll be fine without one potato.”

Joseph agreed but was too scared to nod. His mother was getting scarier as the days went by. When she said she was going to drag him through hell no matter what, she hadn’t been joking. She was determined and had gone from mama bear to monster mama.

Seemingly not wanting to start something on a table full of people, his mother shook her head as she rolled her eyes, turning her attention back to the many Kovachevs, whether born or married in. Joseph knew that when they got home, him and his father would be hearing some choice words over that potato.

“At least I’m safe.”

Giving Maximillian the best stink eyes he could to such a lovely face, Joseph snorted “Selfish, aren’t we?”

Spreading his hands out with upturned palms, his companion replied with a smile “Survival of the fittest, buddy. You learn that well in a house like this.”

Eventually, Joseph was sure, him and Maximillian would end up fighting if they continued to see each other. His attitude reminded Joseph of his crew and he and his crew, minus Skov, fought a lot.

Like, a lot a lot.

Now, that didn’t necessarily mean they couldn’t become friends, because Joseph’s crew were his ride or dies, however, it did mean a lot of heartache, frustration, and headaches. Much like the feeling of hanging out with Jiang. You loved him because he really was a good guy but then you hated him because he really was an asshole. Jiang always made sure to cover all of his angles.

It was annoying just sitting at a table full of people without eating or talking. Joseph wanted to get up but it’d be rude and he wasn’t sure if Maximillian was allowed to drag him up and away either. Table manners and all. Settling for a sigh as he set down his fork, Joseph asked softly “Which brother do you hate the most?”

Maximillian gave him a surprised look before laughing and shaking his head. Joseph wasn’t so sure he’d make it out of this house without an impression on his pathetic heart. “I’ve been told hate is a strong word. I’m not supposed to hate my brothers.”

“Not supposed to means that you’ve got some hard feelings harbored somewhere in there.”

He shrugged as he softly tapped his fork on the edge of his plate. It was a beat of fours; clink, clink, clink, clink, pause, and then repeat. This strange boy beside him seemed to enjoy the number four. “Me and Chris used to not get along ever to the point where I was sure one of these days one of us is going to hit the other.”

Chris seemed cool to Joseph but what did he know? Maybe that was just a matter of being polite to a guest. “Now?”

With a hum, Maximillian took a long moment to stare at Joseph. It was almost creepy and intrusive the way he was staring, like he was stripping Joseph layer by layer and examining each one inch by inch. “I crashed, it freaked him out, and now it’s kind of annoying how loving he is.”

Joseph was going to laugh but he was too focused on the beginning of the sentence to bother. If there was any fellow crashing to be talked about, then Joseph was definitely going to dig into it. Just…not here on a full table. Maybe later they could sit somewhere quiet in this monster house and talk about it. “Asen ever tell you anything about me?”

“Basics. Asen doesn’t sell secrets.”

Chewing on his lip that was starting to have a little metallic taste, he asked almost hesitantly “Emilio?”

Once upon a long time ago, Jiang had once told Joseph that when he tilted his head in certain ways when high, he reminded him of a vulture. It was creepy and scary, he’d said. It was among the few times that he actually felt threatened, he’d added.

Maximillian was no vulture. He wasn’t an eagle or a hawk or another bird of prey. He was a cassowary. It was kind of like an emu; a very tall and big bird who lived in Australia. It could run super fast and was intelligent. The difference was that a cassowary was the most dangerous bird in the world. It was shy and quiet but unimaginably aggressive. It had thick talons on its feet that could puncture deep and it quite liked to kick with those scary feet of its.

The boy in front of him was the shy, quiet, and yet very dangerous cassowary. Joseph was apparently only a vulture when he was high. Right now clean and sober, he was just a little songbird in front of the monster behind those eyes.

“Would you be mad if he did?”

Joseph wasn’t sure; did he want to be talked about or forgotten? Both didn’t sound too great. “Dunno.”

The cassowary straightened and watched Joseph carefully. “I know that you guys weren’t just friends. I know that you disappeared on him and I know that you have problems. What those are, that I don’t know.”

He appreciated Emilio not detailing his issues but he wasn’t so sure he appreciated being outed. Sure, Asen knew and his tétka’s family did too. No one else did though. Joseph didn’t want anyone else to know. Not until it was his choice to tell. “Why’d you crash?”

Eyes flicking all over every inch of Joseph’s face, Maximillian murmured “If I like you enough, maybe I’ll share. But you know that sharing comes as a one for one, right?”

“You got stuff for free.”

While Maximillian wasn’t much of a talker, he sure hummed. It was like it was required to run his thought processes. Or maybe it was his cassowary sound; they ‘boomed’ at such a low frequency that humans could barely hear it. Adjusting his glasses, Maximillian finally said “I’m sure you’ve heard something about me before.”

Actually, he’d heard quite a bit. “I heard you’re an asshole who can’t speak his own language.”

It was barely visible, but Joseph caught the tiniest movement of Maximillian’s jaw where he was currently griding his teeth. The first sign of anger Joseph had noticed and he couldn’t help but wonder what it’d take for someone like Maximillian to get pissed. What did his anger look like? “Oh?”

“Your personality is shit and from my own personal assessment so far, I bet you’re actually a two-faced bastard.” He shrugged because he didn’t want Maximillian to think that he was hating on him, “Much like myself, really.”

Nodding with his pretty mouth curled in thought, Maximillian scratched at his nose, his glasses bouncing with the movements. “It generally takes one to know one.”

One matter confirmed then.

“I also have determined that whatever your crashing entailed,” Joseph continued, their voices still low on a thankfully still loud table, “had something to do with your perfectionism.” He used a long bony finger to tap on one of Maximillian’s, ruined and ragged around the nails. There was years of abuse written in those eaten at fingers. That there was an anxiety tic. Joseph knew them when he saw them. “And the anxiety that makes you do this.”

Rather than becoming defensive like Joseph expected, Maximillian smiled. He leaned in, the smell of his cologne almost overwhelming as he whispered “I said it takes one to know one, Joseph.”

It was a serious moment but all he could think about was the way Maximillian had said his name. How it sounded coming from such a lovely boy. His voice alone was enough to make his stomach into wiggles of jiggles.

“I’m full of wiggles of jiggles,” Jiang whispered, his eyes wide as he watched a boy pass by. Joseph was sure that they didn’t know the boy but Jiang was watching him like he was God or something. “So much jiggles, K.”

Joseph had no idea what wiggles of jiggles was exactly but Jiang was inflicted with them. He decided that he totally didn’t care enough to wonder and began to walk away before he was yanked by with a little more force than Jiang would usually exert when they weren’t mad at each other. “What.”

Slapping his arm and bouncing on the balls of his tiny ass feet, he repeated “Wiggles of jiggles in my stomach, yo!”

“What the fuck does that even mean?”

Patting his stomach once he lost sight of the boy who caused the jiggles and wiggles, Jiang whispered “That boy is my fucking savior, man.”

Maximillian wasn’t close to Isha in any way and definitely wasn’t Joseph’s savior but damn did he cause some wiggles of jiggles. Especially with that voice. Especially with Joseph’s name in that mouth.

He was so screwed. The faster he went home and the faster his crew showed up, the better. Joseph’s curiosity wasn’t worth the wiggles.

“Space, please,” Joseph snorted as he put a hand between them, more annoyed from the wiggles than from the proximity. That in itself was strange as it was. “Bubble, man, stay out of the fucking bubble.”

With a laugh that felt just a bit superior, Maximillian the scary cassowary called a thank you down to his mother before getting to his feet and grabbing whatever empty dishes there was. “Up on your feet, bubble boy. I think we should have a little chat later.”

Joseph was almost afraid of what chatting entailed with this maniac.

Chapter Text

“We’re never going to get to chat at this rate,” Joseph muttered, almost sullenly, and he really hated that he sounded sullen. It was like baring his belly to this annoying boy. Resting his chin in his palm as he watched Maximillian expertly plate and dress cheesecake slices on the island of the kitchen, he added “I can help, you know.”

“Ha, yeah, in your dreams,” Zach snorted as he came to watch Maximillian work, leaning beside Joseph. Their island was bigger than Joseph’s but damn, this whole damn house was so a bigger island just meant it was proportional. “If there is one thing you never mess with, it’s Max’s desserts. He’ll break all your fingers if you even adjust the strawberry.”

Joseph knew that Maximillian wasn’t into letting people touch his stuff; he had no idea desserts were what were sacred around here. But then…he’d said baking was fun. Kind of. In a roundabout way. “Well, no one wants their hard work touched.”

Or at least, that was how Joseph was, especially when he was building something. Desserts were probably the same for Maximillian. Except maybe worse because Joseph did not have such severe perfectionism the way he’d seen Maximillian have. And that was after only spending a couple hours together.

Zach gave another snort but this one sounded mean. Judgmental even. “I just want the food. I don’t care how it looks.”

Maximillian’s eyes flicked up from the strawberries he was carefully setting on a slice of cheesecake. Joseph was impressed with the amount of fire in them. It was creepily like looking at his father when he was pissed. And Joseph had a feeling that this was like, lower level anger for this dude. God knew how angry he really could get.

Those eyes must’ve disturbed Zach to an extent because an uncomfortable look came on his face as he squirmed just a touch. Joseph wanted that kind of power. “I’m just saying, you don’t have to make it so difficult. Goddamn.”

Resuming his focus, Maximillian completely ignored them. Joseph didn’t mind; he was the type who liked quiet focus as well. “Who doesn’t like pretty food? Especially when it comes to desserts.”

“Max is extra.”

He knew he was going to sound like an idiot for asking this but Joseph had been listening to people address Maximillian all day, well more like all evening, and he had to know. When Zach and Chris had introduced themselves, they’d given their shortened names. Joseph wasn’t a fan of nicknames because a name was a name and a person should respect it because usually, your parents chose it for good reason.

Usually.

Maximillian had never actually introduced himself, Joseph had just known who he was. But Lady Iskra called him Maximillian and that was how Joseph had always known him by though they’d never met. Asen switched between Max and Maximillian when he spoke. “You’re Max or Maximillian?” Joseph couldn’t help but ask. He believed in full names but it wasn’t his place to force someone’s name on them. “’Cause I’ve been calling you Maximillian. Everyone else doesn’t. Besides your mother and my bashtá so…”

Bashtá had rolled off his tongue so easy instead of ‘father’ that Joseph was quite offended by himself. If he was going to say bashtá like it was nothing, he was worried he’d end up saying tatko too.

Zach shrugged like the question was even for him. “Who cares? It’s all the same.”

“No it’s not,” Joseph protested, annoyed that this guy was that dense. “I’m Joseph, not Joe or Joey. I don’t want to be called either of those because that’s not my name. My parents picked Joseph so that’s who I am.”

“I don’t think it’s normal to be that righteous about a name.” Shaking his head as he laughed, Zach rubbed at his nose that was more like Lubomir’s than Lady Iskra’s and shrugged. “It’s just a name.”

Okay, this guy was just born stupid. It happened. Jiang could sit here and give a whole lecture on names, especially because of the ‘naming crisis of the Chinese.’ Or so Jiang called it. Why have Chinese names if his parents wanted him to use his English one, he’d snap in frustration. He was proud of his heritage, he’d continue. Did he look like a fucking Shaun to Joseph?

No, no he did. He was inside and out very, very Xia.

“Names are special.”

Maximillian said nothing through all this, just stood there as he methodically and very precisely sliced strawberries and set them on his cheesecakes. Joseph wondered if someone had told him that he and his father were cheesecake diehards.

“Dude, it’s just a name,” Zach laughed, his slightly larger than normal ears suddenly making him look comical even though they hadn’t before. Someone needed to tell him that he was too old to say the word ‘dude’ in conversation. It was not okay. “Why is it such a big deal?”

Obviously, this guy had never met a ‘Jiang’ in his life to understand why names could be very important. Doing his finger exercises as he stood and counted how many plates Maximillian had yet to go, Joseph replied “Names are identity and have meaning.” He pointed at himself, “I’m named after my grandfather,” not the best of men, obviously, but tradition was tradition, “I’m sure there’s a reason you’re Zachary and a reason he’s Maximillian. Or else he would have just been named Max.”

“I was born premature,” Maximillian said as he carefully spooned strawberry sauce which had to be homemade on his plates. There was no way Maximillian used anything that hadn’t been made by his own hands. His voice had almost been an interruption, really, if Joseph wasn’t actually talking to and about him, “Like super. I wasn’t even two pounds and they took me straight to the NICU. I spent a few weeks there until it was safe to take me home. She wanted her tiny baby to have the biggest and strongest name so he could live up to it.”

See? That sounded hella meaningful. More than Joseph’s shitty grandfather.

“They thought she didn’t know how to spell,” he continued, the softest smile Joseph had ever seen on his face today, making him look younger and chiller than he was. Spooning sauce on the last plate, Maximillian explained “She spelled it ‘Maksimillian’ and the nurse was like ‘oh damn, this old foreign lady doesn’t know shit’ so she made it an ‘x’ instead.”

“She sure thought she was helpful,” Lady Iskra muttered, suddenly at Maximillian’s shoulder. Wrapping a piece of graying hair around her ear, she looked over the cheesecakes with a very impressed eye. Joseph didn’t even think she had the capability to be impressed by anything. “I knew just fine what I’d written. Fifty-one and she thought I can’t spell?”

If Joseph was in a comfortable position to joke with her, he’d laugh and call her old for giving birth at that age. Forgot how to use birth control?

But he was totally not comfortable with her at all.

Slugging his thumb at his mother, Maximillian and a goofy smile that Joseph was now in love with laughed “She thought she’d hit menopause. She cursed me and my old man to hell and back.”

“Timotei was excited for a grandchild and here I was having another baby,” Lady Iskra sighed, snatching herself a strawberry from the clamshell. For a woman who was probably around what would have been his grandfather’s age, she really didn’t look it. Even her hands looked great. “Menopause, they said. Ha.”

Ilya popped up behind her, his eyes watching the cheesecake with the lightness of a child. Like most of them, they wanted their dessert already. He ruffled Maximillian’s hair, earning himself a dirty look as he said “Yeah, but then you wouldn’t have this headache.” Showing that he was in fact here to help and not just be annoying, Iliya held up his pile of dessert forks with pride. “Those ready?”

Giving them one last look over, Maximillian nodded and handed Iliya a few plates to give out. “Forks on the left.”

“Forks on the left,” Iliya repeated as he walked off, prizes of cheesecakes in hand. “Got it.”

Joseph was pretty sure that Iliya was the one who was his father’s age or around it. He was number three, he knew that much for sure. Either way, talking to a man that was that age so easily was not possible. But, it was Maximillian’s brother so age probably didn’t matter when he spoke to his brothers. They were all way older anyways. “What if he gets it wrong?”

“He won’t,” Maximillian snorted as he set the rest of the forks – on the left of course – on the remaining plates. “He knows where he’ll find that dessert fork.”

Violent. Jiang would love him not just for his looks then. “Eye or up his ass?”

Getting a laugh was so worth the scary eyebrow Lady Iskra looked at him with. Like, scarier than anything his mother could do. Joseph couldn’t even tell if she liked his humor or didn’t. It was just an ominous eyebrow. “Could be both for all you know,” Maximillian replied as he handed Joseph a plate before taking his own. “Could totally be both. Come on, little chick, up the many stairs we go.”

Little what? Little, his ass. Joseph was shorter than very few people. Very few. Basketball players didn’t count in this setting. “Do I look like a little chick to you?” Joseph muttered darkly but he followed anyways. Privacy meant chatting and Joseph wanted to chat.

He just didn’t know it would cost him so many damn stairs. It wasn’t like stairs were foreign to him by any means but goddamn, why did Maximillian’s room have to be on the top floor?

“Ding, ding,” Maximillian said as he pushed his bedroom door open and gestured for Joseph to enter, “we’ve arrived. Welcome, Mr. Kavinsky.”

Joseph wasn’t giving him the satisfaction of a smile after he was called a chick and simply sat down on the bed, cheesecake plate in hand. He gave a quick look around but was oddly unimpressed. There was nothing to be impressed by in the first place. It was just a bare minimum room with a bed, dresser, chair, and desk. The furniture was as boring as the walls and even the bedspread. There was a door for the closet and a door for the bathroom but unlike Joseph’s very creative room, they were neither painted nor written on. And he’d thought his beige walls sucked. He’d lose his mind in a room like this.

Shutting the door softly, Maximillian made his way to his chair and sat down, setting his plate on the desk. The room was slightly smaller than Joseph’s Jersey one but his hardly felt this suffocating. “Why were you in the hospital?”

Right to it, it seemed. Joseph didn’t necessarily mind sharing and he knew that he’d have to anyways if he wanted to get anything from Maximillian. Breaking off a bite of his cheesecake, Joseph savored the taste of the sweetness for a good long minute. He knew that he wouldn’t get to have anything this sweet in a while. At least not with his mother watching his every bite. “Tried to kill myself.”

Maximillian hummed as he ate his own slice. “How so?”

“Fireworks.” There was no need for him to know the truth.

Or at least, not yet.

“Not the most effective method.”

He held his hands out as he shrugged. “Obviously not.”

“Pressure sleeve.”

“Skin graft surgery. Fix the burns.” Joseph made it sound so simple it was almost comical.

With another hum, Maximillian nodded and watched him with those sharp eyes, brilliant in their intelligence. “Emilio told me about your letter.”

Joseph’s mouthful paused right before its destination, his heart stopping in his chest. He knew about the letter? Were they that close that Emilio would tell him about it? Jealousy prickled his skin but Joseph refused to let it show or make a sound. “Oh?” he said, setting his still full fork on his plate. “What’d he say?”

“Not much. Just that you sent him a letter and it took him months to open it. Never told me the contents if that’s what you’re worried about.” Maximillian shrugged as he stabbed a strawberry before popping it into his mouth. “I know he wrote you back.”

Running his lip between his teeth, Joseph stared for a minute before he decided. “You…guys are just friends?”

Asen had said so but maybe Asen just didn’t know.

“Buddy, I’d date you before I’d date Emilio,” Maximillian laughed, stabbing his last strawberry and running it through the sauce. He held up his fork and stared at the fruit before popping it into his mouth. Joseph was totally flattered by the compliment but he’d never tell. “Not that there’s anything particularly wrong with Emilio, he just…” he waved his hand around before finishing “he’s too…he doesn’t think? And makes stupid choices because he has nothing better to do. Because being single is apparently detrimental to his health.” Maximillian shrugged, “I think Marcus is but what do I know?”

Marcus. Yes. The boyfriend. Joseph wanted to meet him and yet he totally didn’t. “Is Marcus no good?” For all he knew, Joseph would need Jiang to help him take out the trash.

“Me and Marcus have never liked each other, even before Emilio. If anything, we like each other even less now.”

That didn’t necessarily answer the question. Sighing as he set his fork in his empty plate, Joseph carefully laid back and stared at the boring ceiling. There had to be more to Maximillian than this. A person’s room was their space and yet there was nothing here to show that a guy even lived here. “So he’s good or not?”

“Dunno. Emilio says I’m biased.” With a loud snort and a soft clang as he set down his own fork, Maximillian added “I think I’m a very unbiased person though. I mean, I told him dating Devin was stupid but he did it anyways.”

Emilio had had another man before?

“Him and Devin are an on and off thing,” Maximillian continued without a care, like he’d been waiting to complain to someone and Joseph had finally been found. “Obviously they’re off right now because he’s with Marcus. Once they break up – again – he’ll go back to Devin. It’s a very unhealthy cycle.”

Did Emilio have trouble with relationships like Joseph did? He’d always figured that he was better than him at it but maybe not. This revelation was totally good for his self-esteem in ways he hadn’t even guessed he’d needed.

Maximillian’s face popped up above him, his glasses nearly sliding off before he caught them. They blinked at each other for a moment and then the blinking became examination. “I know you’re gay and I know that you hate that,” Maximillian began, almost in a soft voice as if he wanted to take care where he walked. Impressive, coming from him. “I know that you and Emilio dated before your dad fucked it up. I’m assuming you’ve had it rough where you were because I know you were into drugs. And we don’t really know each other but I’m glad you’re alright. Not because your Emilio’s friend but because I don’t like when people suffer. So maybe you didn’t want to be on this side of the world. Just know that a lot of people are happy that you are. And one day, you will too.”

Joseph blinked up at that handsome face, shocked by how much the words slowed his heart. Ever since he’d woken up, even when he felt like he was feeling okay, his heart felt tight. It was like he’d finally taken his first breath since he’d awakened. Having someone outside of his family and his doctor, having a complete stranger, acknowledge his suffering while not judging him felt…freeing. He didn’t even know why. “I’m really tired,” Joseph couldn’t help but confess in a whisper. “I’m just…tired.”

He was tired mentally and physically. So much. Joseph knew that he was on the right track and that he was even doing a decent job of staying on it. But he was stressed and tired and too afraid to tell anyone because they’d think he was giving up already. He couldn’t show signs of failure this quick. They wouldn’t express their disappointment verbally but Joseph knew that it’d be there. Hell, he was disappointed in himself as it was.

It was like he wanted to quit but then…he didn’t.

“I don’t know if I should tell you this,” Maximillian started, the faintest laugh in his voice as he sat down on the bed beside Joseph. “You seem like a person whose ego inflates with the tiniest of words.”

There was no lie there. “Aw shit,” Joseph laughed, resting his right arm carefully on his chest. “You’re not going to compliment me, are you?”

Because that would be one weird ass segue out of this dark and dank topic.

Fiddling with his ruined fingers that Joseph would earn an explanation for after all this soul baring, Maximillian laughed again and shook his head. Joseph gave him a decent amount of quiet time before he was fed up with waiting. He was not as patient as he used to be. “So? Care to share?”

He had no way of assuming the next words he was going to hear because when Joseph heard them, he was pretty sure that he’d heard entirely wrong.

“I’m jealous of you.”

Chapter Text

“You’re what now?”

“Jealous.”

This time Joseph bothered sitting up because obviously, his hearing had turned to shit. “Excuse me?”

With a heavy sigh, Maximillian bothered to look at him, those brilliant eyes suddenly looking a million times older, maybe even wiser, and definitely exhausted. “You’re so honest.”

Joseph was in fact a pathological liar. To himself and people. Everyone who knew him knew this. Where was the honesty? “I’m honest?”

“I’ve been a liar since I knew what the word meant,” Maximillian snorted, the tiredness that had haunted his eyes only a second before somehow gone, replaced with the Maximillian Joseph had met downstairs. Yet, if Joseph looked just a little harder, he could see the glimpses of the boy that sat before him. Joseph had many faces to himself but he was sure he’d just met someone who had way more. “The fact that you can be so honest annoys me.”

Scrubbing his face with his good hand before giving Maximillian a Look™, Joseph said “I thought it impressed you. Are you the fucking Riddler or what?”

Maximillian practically beamed and damn, if Joseph’s heart didn’t flutter. “I could be. And it’s impressive. But it’s annoying too. I could never do it.” He held up his fingers, “This is, among other things, what I do instead. It’s probably my only honest side.”

He was unimaginably intrigued by what could possibly be the other things Maximillian did but he hardly had the chance to as a knock interrupted them. But as much as the knock was an interruption, the way Darina burst in was worse. It was like she owned the damn place. “Wattsup, home boys?”

A blonde, quite a fake one, peaked around her, not enthused about their breaking in but totally not shy about it either. Joseph had learned she was Lindsey, one of four brothers’ children who were a year younger than him. The other was Darina and the twins Mikhail and Mikhaila. It had to suck having nieces and a nephew so close to your own age. “What are you two doing?”

“Comparing,” Maximillian laughed, his entire face changed into someone else. He pointed what could be considered a stern finger at Darina, “Don’t come into my room without asking.”

“I knocked.”

“You burst in less than a second later.”

Darina shrugged, her curls that she’d gotten from Nevena bouncing with her. She didn’t give a damn and they could all tell. “You guys wanna join for Monopoly or you going to keep comparing?”

Maximillian giggled making Darina laugh. Joseph and his crew were immature, sure, but only Skov would laugh at such a simple joke. Maybe Jiang if he was really feeling it. Actually, maybe all of them if they were feeling it. Who was he kidding? They were worse. Not that these people had to know. “Such children.”

“Oh please,” Darina snorted, crossing her arms and challenging him with the tilt of her head. They knew each other a bit, obviously because of Asen, but Darina was the kind who made you her friend whether you liked it or not. Saying no wasn’t an option. “You’re as immature as they get.”

“How would you know?”

“Duh, because your bashtá is.”

So true.

“Nice play,” he admitted with a laugh. There was no way around that one. Waving his hand to shoo these children away, Joseph said “Go set up, we’ll be right there.”

She didn’t believe him by the look on her sharp face. Lindsey glanced between Joseph and Maximillian before asking “What were you guys actually doing?”

“Comparing.” It wasn’t a lie; they just didn’t know what it was they’d been comparing. Nor did they need to know. “Now off you people go.”

It took a few minutes before the nosy children left but once they did, Joseph wasted no time. He didn’t know when the next time Joseph would get to have Maximillian open and willing to talk. This guy didn’t seem the type to talk often. “How are your hands your only honest thing?”

Snorting as he got to his feet, Maximillian grabbed Joseph’s empty plate for him and went to stack it atop his that was sitting on the desk. “Sorry, buddy, convo’s over.”

Like hell it was. “You haven’t explained a thing.” He got to his feet and kept hovering around Maximillian, hoping that the annoyance would make him give in. “You can’t throw me a crumb and then shut it down.”

Narrow eyes widened just a bit before a smug smile stretched on that stupid face. “Of course I can. I think I’ve given plenty.”

“Bullshit.”

Pulling out his phone from his pocket as he held up a finger to essentially tell Joseph to close that annoying mouth, Maximillian was silent before turning his head, eyes matching eyes. “Emilio wants to know what I’m doing. Do I say I’m sitting with you?”

Biting the corner of his lip and huffing, Joseph planted his ass in the chair Maximillian had vacated and crossed his arms. They were close enough for random time communications and Joseph was jealous as hell. Emilio had made time to ask such a stupid thing but he couldn’t even just take a second to acknowledge Joseph’s text.

“Well?”

Maybe Emilio didn’t care. For all he knew, that entire letter of feelings was just a lie. Maybe it was Emilio’s guilt talking and he didn’t actually care. Wasn’t that evidenced in that he hadn’t answered Joseph? He sure had made the time to ask Maximillian what he was doing. “Do whatever you want,” Joseph muttered, trying his best not to let his feelings show but he knew they were running off like a river. “I don’t give a damn.”

“If you didn’t,” Maximillian replied as he leaned on the edge of his desk and pointed at Joseph with his phone which seemed to have a dent or two, “you wouldn’t be pouting, little chick.”

Joseph ground his teeth, trying his hardest not to jump to his feet and get in this asshole’s face. That wasn’t proper manners when someone made you delicious cheesecake. “Bitch, you will find that I have a small bullshit meter and you’re getting really damn close to reaching the end of it.”

A hum was all he received in reply. Joseph didn’t know if Maximillian was typing back or not but he refused to look. This was a war of wills and he wouldn’t lose to this ass, even if Asen had warned him that he was nothing in comparison.

“I bet he wants to see what I’m up to so he can talk about you.”

His grinding paused, teeth crying for joy for the relief, as Joseph dared to look at the boy beside him who wore nothing more than a blank look on his face. What were the chances? “You think?”

One shoulder up in a shrug, Maximillian tapped his phone on his chin as his mouth twisted in thought. “High chance. We haven’t talked in a few days since I told him he’s a desperate shit for always taking Marcus back.”

Emilio having a voice of reason was good thing. Especially if he was being a desperate shit when he didn’t need to. Was Marcus better than the Devin guy that he was on and off with? “So…him reaching out even though he’s pissed…”

“Probs about you.”

Chewing on his lip with a newfound vigor and tasting the salt of iron, Joseph stared down at the floor as he thought. Maybe telling Emilio that he was here was a good thing. Maybe it would finally get Emilio to talk to him. Or at least get him some type of reaction, even if it was anger at first. If Joseph could always get Jiang to come around for him, he was sure that Emilio was a piece of cake. “Okay, tell him.”

“Attaboy,” Maximillian said in the warmest tone Joseph had heard from him all night. He sounded happy about it as if it actually mattered to him. “Tackle your problems head on.”

“Big talk from a liar.”

“I know! But this face likes to encourage people.”

Joseph wondered just how many faces of ‘Maximillian’ there really were. Amazingly, he was sure it was more than just Joseph, K, and Kavinsky. This boy had layers upon layers upon faces and personalities. Not that he was a guy with multiple personalities but rather that he was very good at showing people who they expected to see when necessary. “Which is the most honest?”

Maximillian seemed to consider this for a moment, eyes wandering in thought as his horribly bitten fingers paused their texting. “I suppose…” he shrugged and kind of laughed like this was all just dandy, “Maximillian. Youngest brother to seven. More like an only child in a big empty house who likes his mother’s attention and sometimes wishes that his father would give him a little too. A severe perfectionist to the point that he has severe anxiety. Jealous of a former drug addict because he’s honest to a fault.” He waved a hand over his mouth and laughed, “Oop, looks like that’s all Maximillian is going to say today.”

In many ways, Joseph was unhealthy. Many many ways. But he’d always had a support system and really, that support system was what kept him both sane and alive. There was a reason they always told people to have family and friends and people who’ll be there for you. Humans needed it. Joseph was honest to a fault? He lied through his teeth on the daily. On the damn minute. But he always told people when he was tired. When he was stressed and in pain and sad. Because he knew those people wouldn’t judge him. He knew they’d back him up all the way.

He knew that they’d try their best to help him.

While he was sure that Maximillian’s family loved him, Joseph was beginning to doubt that they really even knew him. A perfectionist would never tell someone when something was wrong. That was failure. They’d try to solve all their problems by themselves and never show anything but what people expected.

Anything else was failure.

“Text sent,” Maximillian said, his voice not loud but in the current atmosphere and thinking space Joseph had going on, it was like a bullhorn. “Now we wait. But downstairs before Dara becomes dangerous for making them wait for us.”

Looking up at the enigma that stood beside him, Joseph asked “Do you have friends?”

That anger that Joseph had seen earlier flashed for a quick second, only to disappear faster than it had arrived. The cassowary was back and Joseph was a little freaked in the way it cocked it’s dangerous head to the side. “Do you?”

Despite everything, Joseph did. He had his crew. There was Drake and Gwen and whether they liked it or not, Eva too. Tog man. They were all people Joseph considered friends. “Yes. They’re people I know I can trust anything with.”

“Must be nice,” Maximillian hummed, his eyes watching Joseph carefully. “I have lots of friends. I am quite popular, you know?”

“Max might be, but I have my doubts about you.” Joseph waved his finger around the face that was becoming stonier by the second. “This guy probably isn’t. Because people haven’t met him before.”

“You haven’t either.”

“I’ve met more than anyone else probably.”

His shoulder shrugged offhandedly like he hadn’t a care in the world. Brushing off an invisible lint from his tshirt, Maximillian focused on that lint for a long while before lifting his head to stare at Joseph. “What makes you think I haven’t told Emilio more than I’ve told you?”

Small chance. Unless Emilio’s personality had flip flopped entirely, he would’ve drove Maximillian insane by trying to force him to talk. But he would’ve been able to solve at least one of those problems too. That was how Emilio functioned; he couldn’t have changed that much.

Joseph flinched when Maximillian’s phone vibrated, loud as Jiang when he talked about science. He hated the little smile that grew on Maximillian’s face but instead of saying something of it, he decided to be the bigger person and wait patiently. His friendship was in those bitten hands and Joseph had no choice but to be a bestie right now.

When the silence grew too long for his liking and Maximillian was typing instead of talking, Joseph finally whispered “Well?”

He wasn’t even spared a glance. “He wants to know how you’d visit me first instead of him.”

It was a ridiculous line of reasoning. Joseph hadn’t even known Maximillian; he just knew he was Asen’s brother.

“I told him you guys were invited for dinner and you didn’t even want to be here until you saw my handsome face.”

A laugh burst from his chest, suddenly aware of how hot his ears were turning. Joseph couldn’t even deny it; he’d seen Maximillian’s face and was ready to faint right then and there for him. His crew would be ashamed for him being so easy but once Jiang came, he’d totally get it too. As long as one understood, that was all that mattered.

With a pleased glow to his eyes, Maximillian held up his phone and said “He’s probs not gonna answer now. Words of the experienced? He sounds totally pissed in the way he’s writing.” Maximillian laughed and straightened as he grabbed the plates. “At me, not you. No worries. My words were harsh a few days ago. Deserved though, so I refuse to be at fault.”

Joseph watched as he tapped his own feet together, his tired Vans clicking against each other. He was going to wear his nicer ones but he’d already made it downstairs and then remembered. It wasn’t worth going back up once he was already down. “Should I try talking to him again?”

“Like I said, in person is what I would do. But that’s me. You do what you think is right for you.”

Chapter Text

Joseph had no idea what was right for him. Really, he wasn’t sure that he ever would. Life was complicated in ways that were so unfair.

Sitting in his father’s Escalade which he’d been given permission to drive, Joseph waited in the loading zone of the Newark airport. His crew had said they’d landed and were just going through baggage claim because apparently one carry-on was not enough for these bastards. He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel, watching as they stretched back and forth on his bad hand. Well, maybe more like medium hand because it was his arm that was fucked, not so much his hand.

Not that he was particularly fucked right now, he was just being careful. His donor skin site on his thigh was healed and his arm wasn’t too bad to look at now. He was almost four weeks post-op and that meant no more pressure sleeve. Maybe even a decent careful shower. Joseph still wore his long sleeve, of course, because the sun was a cruel bitch to his arm but that wasn’t too bad. He was mobile though he was careful because he was still worried. The grafts were healed, a part of his thigh decorating his arm, but at least it worked.

It wasn’t the prettiest while looking like a patchy bastard, sure, but Joseph had a working arm and that was what mattered.

Resting his chin on the wheel, he watched as people came out of the baggage claim area, his eyes scanning for his crew. Whoever it was who needed more than a carry-on was going to get chewed out. How much damn clothes did they need for just a couple weeks? Less, even.

His eyes caught on a group of guys walking out, two a bit shorter than the other two. The shorter blonde glanced around, Joseph unable to stop his smile as his eyes cluelessly roved over Joseph in the Escalade. Kavinsky was known for his Evo who was still doing some healing. Joseph driving anything else would be odd to them.

The other short boy caught eyes with him, causing Joseph to flip him off and laugh as the bastard flipped him off right back before elbowing the tall black dude beside him and pointing. The little blonde stood and blinked hard before a huge smile stretched on his face as he waved and ran over, his backpack bouncing with him as his little carry-on rolled behind him. Joseph had expected Skov to be the one who needed the extra bag but he was proven wrong as Jiang grabbed the handle of the large suitcase and dragged it behind him.

Bouncing out of the car with an excitement Joseph hadn’t realized he was feeling, he went around the back and pulled up the trunk as Skov arrived beside him, beaming inside and out. It was like sunshine had incarnated inside of Skovron and it was ready to burst. “Hi!”

It’d only been a few days but damn did it feel like years. A few days in Henrietta was nothing; they knew where the other was. But here? Being separated by thousands of miles?

Joseph would have never thought that he’d miss these bastards so much.

“Aw, hey, pups,” Joseph said, trying his best not to laugh because Skov was smiling in such a contagious childish way. “By gosh, I think you’ve grown a few inches since I last saw you.”

Usually Skov would pout when his height was mentioned but he laughed instead and lifted his blue carry-on into the trunk. “Doubt it. Unless the Jersey air is already affecting me.”

“It’s making you wack, is what it’s doing,” Jiang snorted as he turned up beside them, Swan and Proko in tow. Lifting that huge bag with all his might and setting it in the trunk with a heave, he glanced at Joseph for a good second before a smile broke his façade. “Aw, shit, hey Jersey.” He tapped on Joseph’s shoulder, “You looking a little less pale, yo.”

“Must be the Jersey air.”

“Must be, goddamn.”

Joseph couldn’t help but glance down at his hand, wondering if he really did look better after only a couple days. He couldn’t have possibly changed that much but Jiang wasn’t one to boost egos for nothing. “You really think so?”

“Let’s have this convo as we drive,” Swan said after grabbing his and Prokopenko’s bags and tossing them into the Escalade without a care. He slung a thumb over his shoulder at a traffic officer who seemed to be staring quite a lot. “I think we’re over our thirty minute parking time.”

Actually, he’d been over it almost twenty minutes ago but the man had never noticed so Joseph hadn’t bothered to move. It was a loading zone, sure, but Joseph hadn’t wanted to lose such a good spot right in front of baggage claim. “Let’s Heidi-ho, kittens.”

They talked for the thirty minute drive like they hadn’t ever separated, all of them happy to be together again, even if they weren’t actually saying it. Though, Joseph was sure that Skov would blurt it eventually. Reaching home and pulling up in front of the house, Joseph parked and shut off the car. “Tadaa.”

It took about five minutes of them peering through the windows before Swan realized that they can just get out of the car. “It’s nice,” he said once he was out, his head tilted back as he stared at the tall building. Jersey houses were compact but tall.

Nothing was taller than Maximillian’s house though, like holy crap.

“Reminds me of the brownstone I used to live in,” Prokopenko murmured, his eyes almost looking like the real Proko’s. Just almost, as he got lost in his memories. “Obviously, this isn’t a brownstone, but I didn’t know reaching Jersey would almost feel like being home.”

As cruel as it was, Joseph wasn’t sure that he wanted Prokopenko to recollect too many memories. Who knew where his mind might wander? What if he went back to the last minutes they had spent together before Sasha had gone and shot himself?

By accident. With an empty dream stupid ass gun.

He took a deep breath.

Rounding the car and opening the trunk, Joseph called to the four assholes who had apparently never seen a house before “Yo fuckers, I will not carry your shit for you.”

“Where’s the hospitality?” Skov cried, though it was moot because he giggled through it. “Where?”

He’d had sleepovers with each one of these assholes, minus Proko though he knew him well at this point, and Swan and Jiang had been together, but Joseph was a little concerned to having them all at once. He wasn’t exactly a crowd person; too many people made him quiet and shy, even when it was his people. “I’m letting y’all stay at my house, aren’t I?”

“Affirmative.”

“Doesn’t that count enough for hospitality?”

“No.”

Joseph glanced down at Skov and his smile. It didn’t, he knew that, but it didn’t mean he was giving in that easy to this little smiley shit. “No?”

Skovron stuck his tongue out before he giggled again and shot his hands up into the sky. “No!”

He blinked at the bundle of energy for a minute before turning to Prokopenko beside him who was dragging out the bags and setting them on the street. “What did you guys feed him?”

“Jelly beans,” Prokopenko snorted, before he dragged out the last bag and sent a look to Skov who was still beaming with joy. “He ate all of my fucking jelly bellys, man. He didn’t save me one.”

Breaking into yet another fit of giggles, Skov bounced and bounced and damn bounced in place before bouncing his way over to where Swan and Jiang still stood staring up at the house. Joseph was sort of concerned by the bundle of energy but it wasn’t worth thinking too hard about how he might be driven crazy. His crew was here and he had to make the most of it.

Hopefully they didn’t end up killing each other. Usually, they could give each other space when needed but all of them being in one house might cause issues. High chance, really.

“No, no,” Proko mumbled around a gummy worm as he pushed Joseph’s hand off one of the bags he was going to roll behind himself. Sure, it was the guys’ bags but he was the host and it was proper of the host to care for his guests. “Leave our shit to us shits. Don’t stress yourself.”

“Invite us in, you shit!” Jiang called from the top of steps, bouncing on the porch after seemingly catching Skov’s enthusiasm. “Let’s go!”

In his dreams. They were establishing house rules before Joseph was ever letting these crazy bastards in. Fuck the Jersey heat. “Alright listen up. Ground rules.” Skov booed but ended in another fit of giggles. For someone who’d barely had his first sleepover recently, Joseph was sure this was like a huge adventure for him. “Hush, kitten.”

Leaning against the rails of the steps, Swan crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. “Please don’t tell me you’ve actually written house rules.”

The joke was totally on him. Joseph shoved his hand into his back pocket and pulled out a neatly folded piece of notebook paper. He’d spent the morning writing out his rules just so he could read them to these bastards. Waving the paper around in glee, which received a couple groans in response, Joseph announced “I got them right here!”

With a sigh, Swan planted his butt on the first step to the stoop. “Let’s hear it. Please don’t take forever, dude, I’m exhausted.”

Whimp. It was a short ass flight.

“Make it quick,” Jiang said as he continued to bounce, “I gotta piss.”

No wonder he was bouncing so much. “Hold it.” He pointed a deadly finger at Jiang, “You piss on my stoop, you will damn well scrub it clean.”

A tad distressed looking, Jiang continued to bounce to Skov’s continued laughs. “Make it quick then!”

He was almost tempted to draw this out but he neither wanted piss on his stoop nor did he want Jiang to get a tract infection. His buddy better appreciate Joseph’s thoughtfulness. “Alright,” he said in a loud voice as he unfolded his page, “listen up. You make a mess, you clean it up.”

“Easy peasy,” Proko yawned from where he sat in the trunk of the Escalade, his shorts riding up a little too high.

“You break something, you clean it up and buy a new one.”

“Done.”

Proko always was a bit of an annoying shit. “You are not guests. Meaning I do not clean up after any of you. You clean, you go to the kitchen, you watch tv, you do whatever shit as if you live here provided it doesn’t break other rules.”

“Sounds alright.”

“My parents ask you to do something,” Joseph continued, the heat starting to make him a bit uncomfortable, “then you do it.”

By far one of the more important items on his list. If any of them disrespected his parents, they were sleeping in the backyard for the rest of their stay.

“Aye, aye, cap.”

Jiang’s bouncing was getting worse. “Prokopenko, shut your shit so he can finish!”

Joseph tried to stop the smile from growing on his face. Prokopenko wasn’t slowing him down; Joseph was pausing just to be a minor ass. “You see my parents doing any kind of chore, you do it for them. For example, if one of them is sweeping or washing dishes or whatever, you take over. They’re older and they damn well get their respect.”

“Yes, papa!” Jiang shouted, now literally jumping with Joseph starting to be concerned. Maybe this dude really did need to go that bad. “Anything else?”

There were a few but Joseph had no intention of killing Jiang’s bladder. He’d just have to hope that the rest of the list wouldn’t be unintentionally broken. Or he could always read the end to them later. Yeah, that’d be fine. “I guess have fun, bitches,” Joseph snorted as he slipped the list back into his pocket as he walked over to the stoop and up the steps, keys in hand and cheers around him. “But seriously,” he added as he unlocked the door, “please behave.”

The guys were on such good behavior that it was starting to really creep Joseph out in ways he didn’t even know he could be creeped out in. His crew was literally the epitome of what Aglionby tried to sell in their brochures.

He was disturbed.

“Do you need help?” Skovron asked Joseph’s mother for what was probably the thousandth time in the past ten minutes. He’d already cut up some vegetables, fixed and set the table, and even had brought in the extra chairs for the table from the garage. Joseph had said be helpful but he hadn’t meant annoying. “Anything else?”

His mother set down her wooden spoon and raised a brow at Skov before turning that look to the three other boys – Joseph not included – who were seated at the island like good little children. “Did…Joseph threaten you guys?”

“I did,” he called from where he was stretched out on the couch, good arm over his eyes. His head was pounding like hell and his stomach was on the edge of a revolt. It was his fault; he’d taken his meds on an empty stomach so now he was being punished for it. “But I sure as hell didn’t tell them to act like this.”

“We’re being good kids,” Jiang supplied in his ‘I’m a good student’ voice. “Until we turn total psycho, probably tomorrow. When you get pissed or annoyed at us anytime during our stay, please remember this good behavior that we are capable of.”

Nodding with a skeptical look, his mother sighed and turned back to her food on the stove. “I’ll try.” Giving one last glance at the eyes surrounding her, she laughed and shook her head. “Go find something to do, guys. Give a girl some space.”

Only for his mother did Joseph drag himself and his sickly body off the couch. Only. “Come on, kittens,” Joseph said with a yawn as he and his exhausted body snailed over to the family room. “Give the girl some space.”

Having his crew around was going to be nice and he sure as hell had been waiting for this moment but Joseph had a feeling that all of them in the same house, a house that Joseph was used to having space in, was going to drive them all nuts.

But that was what friends were for, right?

Chapter Text

Joseph had the sudden want for a backyard swing. Maximillian had a hammock in his backyard that was hella comfortable but Joseph wanted a full on swing. Just sitting on the benches they had wasn’t as fun. Really, being outside wasn’t fun either but he needed quiet in a house that was too loud. He wasn’t used to his house having so much people in it. It was like the horrors in Henrietta all over again.

He needed quiet time.

It’d only been a day with the guys here but Joseph was already tired. He didn’t have to entertain them, he knew that but it felt wrong to ignore them and do his own thing when they’d come here just for him.

“Yo, you’re gonna fry out here!” Jiang called out from the sliding door, waving his hands wildly as if Joseph had any trouble seeing his stupid face. “Get back in here, chicken finger!”

“Chicken finger,” Joseph muttered darkly in confusion, not appreciating the new moniker. Was he insulting his weight? Or because his skin was fried like chicken from his ‘accident?’ If he was up for it, Joseph would not only ask, but beat the crap out of Jiang too.

“Come on! We’re playing COD and Swan keeps winning! Come beat his ass!”

It wasn’t that he was avoiding them but Joseph was kind of avoiding them. Too much noise too often was stressing his brain out. He couldn’t handle everyone like this. He needed a quiet getaway and he knew that wasn’t exactly nice being that they had all come for him. “I’ll be there in a bit!”

Jiang didn’t seem convinced but Jiang was always incredibly smart. Nonetheless, he nodded and shut the door. They would know that he was avoiding them but Joseph also knew that they’d understand that he needed some ‘Joseph time’ too. Their intuition was annoying as hell, sure, but it was helpful at times.

Rising to his feet though his legs felt like they didn’t want to carry his little weight, Joseph made it to the deck and dragged himself up the wood steps that he and Emilio had tripped down and even up many times over.

He need to reach out to Emilio again. He knew it but damn was he scared to.

But it had to be done.

Enjoying the cool air condition once he made it inside, he filled his mother’s big ass metal water bottle with ice water and walked over to the guys who were chilling in the family room. “I, uh…” he began to the inquiring faces all watching him, “I…I just need some…air.”

Yeah, that was totally eloquent and detailed.

Swan raised a nice ass eyebrow as he said, practically lost himself “Okay…?”

“I’m…uh…” he waved his bad arm in the general direction of the door, “I’m going out so like…don’t kill my house.”

His mother was home and would kill them before they killed her house but Joseph preferred to be on the safe side.

“Out?” Jiang replied, his face squishing to the middle in his scrunched up confusion. “Dude, it’s hot outside. I just called you in from your backyard not for you to go out out.”

Shutting his eyes because he didn’t want to get angry at Jiang for questioning him even though Joseph knew that the questioning came from a good place, he took in a deep breath and reopened them, his voice as steady as he could get it. “I’m in long sleeves, full pants, and I’ll wear a hat.” He hefted up the huge water bottle the jingled with all the ice within. “I’ve got lots and lots of water. I need air. Right now.”

He could tell all of them wanted to protest further but no one had the guts to. Skov put on his constipated smile and laughed as best he could when he had to fake it to make it. “Okay! Just, like, be fast and, uh, stay in the shade?”

Joseph didn’t bother deigning with a response that was more than a lazy nod, ignoring all of the other questioning faces about his need for ‘air.’ The funny thing was that he really wasn’t lying; air was exactly what he wanted.

Deciding that sending his mother who was upstairs a text was more than enough, Joseph slipped on his crappy Vans and the baseball hat that was hanging beside the door to the garage before tally-hoeing out of this place.

Outside, obviously, had no air to offer but it was the symbolism of it all. He needed air, yes, but what he really wanted was to talk to Emilio while he still had the balls to do it. He just…didn’t have them to be able to do it alone.

The walk to Maximillian’s house was a rather short one. Shorter than when he used to walk to Emilio’s apartment. It was almost funny to think about the fact that they never knew each other despite the few blocks that were between them. They had lived childhoods so close yet so vastly apart.

Chugging some water from the heavy bottle, Joseph decided that being poetic could be for another time when it wasn’t so damn hot as he rounded the corner that led to the even more expensive neighborhood in Hoboken. It took him a few houses before he reached the little gate of Maximillian’s, dragging himself up the stoop’s stairs and ringing the bell. It took a few moments and another ring before Lady Iskra opened the door, her eyes glowing with surprise. “Joseph? I didn’t expect such a soon visit.”

Yeah, neither did he but he’d forgotten to get Maximillian’s phone number and right now he needed him while he still had the balls. “Maximillian home?”

He could tell that she didn’t appreciate the lack of a greeting, and really, Joseph hadn’t meant anything by it but regardless she answered “His room.” She held the door open further for him to slide his way in. “Go ahead.”

“Thank you,” he called quickly as he inhaled as much cool air as he could as he went up the stairs as fast as possible. Joseph’s courage was a fleeting thing and keeping it in hand as long as possible was important. His body could protest later. “Maxy! Come out, come out!”

A head peeked out of his room, hair mussed and glasses crooked and Joseph swore that he’d only gotten handsomer. He couldn’t wait for Jiang to see him and freak. “The hell?”

Not wanting to lose his momentum, Joseph said quickly “Fix yourself, you’re coming with me to Emilio.”

“Really?”

Joseph nodded, his body vibrating in an unpleasant way that made him want to snort something. He was too afraid to tell anyone that his cravings were becoming more frequent. When he’d awoken from his coma, he’d been fine. He hadn’t even thought of drugs. But slowly as the weeks went by, especially after having some in his hand, the cravings were not only more frequent but harder to undergo.

He just wasn’t sure he could handle the disappointment he was sure he’d see if he told.

Crossing his arms and leaning against the doorframe, Maximillian raised a brow and asked “Why?”

“I need to do this before it drives me nuts and I lose my nerve. But I think I need you to be able to do it.”

Maximillian tilted his head with a curious look forming those handsome features. “I thought your friends were coming. Why not take one of them? Let’s be real here; we barely know each other. Wouldn’t they be better support?”

It was both yes and no; that was the problem. “I just…you know the shit between me and Emilio,” he began, trying his hardest not to bring his hand up to his mouth on chew on his nails, “you know him and you kinda know me. You fit the bill.”

Joseph didn’t add that he trusted Maximillian to be the one to call either Joseph or Emilio out on their shit if there was any. He was honest with others in the way that he wasn’t with himself. A conundrum but in this moment, that was what Joseph needed.

Taking a few more seconds just staring at Joseph, Maximillian sighed and turned back into his room. “Gimme a few, little chick.”

Chapter Text

He looked up at the apartment building with as many floors as Maximillian’s house. Obviously, Joseph had never seen where Emilio’s family had moved. Nicer building, nicer neighborhood, probably same size apartment.

“Welcome to the house of crazy,” Maximillian said as he opened the building gate and ushered Joseph in. “Please enjoy your stay.” As much as he tried to get his legs to move, Joseph found that his body was as terrified as his mind was now that he was here. Maximillian gave him a pointed look, knowing exactly what the problem was. “You can do this. You’ve made it this far.”

Despite believing the opposite, Joseph nodded and walked in, opening the building door and staring up at the exhausting stairs he had to keep climbing today. “I can do this.”

A delicate touch, barely even noticeable if Joseph wasn’t so hypersensitive, brushed his shoulder. “You got this, little chick.”

It would’ve been an act of kindness and decency from this asshole if he hadn’t added the stupid name. Once Joseph’s health was up to speed, he was beating it out of him. “Thanks, mama hen.”

“If that was supposed to insult me,” Maximillian began as he trudged up the stairs behind Joseph, “it didn’t. Also, next floor.”

Of course.

“Do you know what you’re going to say?”

Not in the slightest.

“In my personal professional opinion-”

“It can’t be personal and professional at the same time.”

Joseph was hushed as they reached the proper door, but the hush he knew was more for judging Maximillian and not because they’d reached the door. There was laughter, multiple people by the sound of it, loud and bellowing like they were having the time of their lives. Emilio in a good mood would help, wouldn’t it? Anyone in a good mood when you talked to them helped. At least, that was how Joseph saw these things. When he was decently happy, things went decently happy. Mindset and all. Dr. Cho had taught him that much. If you saw the good then things would turn out at least that much better.

“Sounds…like a lot of people,” Joseph practically whispered, giving in to the temptation to chew on his poor lip. This was a stressful moment; his body would forgive him. He came to talk to Emilio but he knew if he didn’t do it now, despite the audience, he’d never be able to get the nerve back. He’d just have to ignore them and speak. “Emilio’s the only boy in the family, you know.”

Obviously, Maximillian was sure to know but he said nothing of it. Joseph didn’t miss the look of disdain the other boy was pointing past the door at the voices. “Sounds like Marcus and his friends, is what it is.”

Though Maximillian had told him that he didn’t like Marcus, Joseph hadn’t known it extended beyond that. Were they really crappy people? Emilio was picky in friends though. He had standards still, didn’t he? Whether he didn’t or not was not his problem right now, however. Joseph was not going in there with the new boyfriend and his friends being there. No way in hell. Friends, maybe, but not the boyfriend. “I guess we should get going.”

A hand wrapped itself carefully around Joseph’s arm. The strength that was there, despite not being used, scared him. Maximillian didn’t look like a buffed up freak but damn. His hands held strength in the way Joseph’s father used to. “Like hell we are. Don’t be scared of those shits. They’re idiots.”

Idiots did not make them any less scary. “That’s way too many strangers for a private conversation,” Joseph wanted to snap but that hand was still on his bony ass arm. “Are you serious right now?”

Eyes meeting his, Maximilian wore a steady gaze, catching the fact that Joseph never denied that he was scared. “Little chick, I’m a whole lot scarier than they are. And they know it.”

Surprisingly, Joseph didn’t doubt him. And if he was willing to have his back, then he was just going to have to take the offer. He didn’t walk through the damn heat for nothing, right?

Right.

Maybe.

“Okay,” Joseph sighed, his voice so soft that Maximillian had to lean in to hear. “Okay. I can do this. It’s just a conversation.”

In front of people he didn’t even know.

The hand released his arm and tapped his shoulder before knocking on the door for them. “That’s the spirit.”

There was no spirit to be had but Joseph would role with it. He’d faced idiots before; hell, his crew were the idiots of the idiots. It wasn’t like they’d really started out as friends. Strangers were nothing to him.

Totally.

“It’s Max,” Maximillian called, not adding Joseph on. He wasn’t sure if secrecy was best but he was willing to follow mama hen’s lead. “Open up.”

“Open yourself!” came a voice over the noise. A voice he didn’t know. A voice who was allowed to tell people to come in. “Door’s open!”

“Jesus Christ,” Joseph whispered, totally ready to descend into prayers as Maximillian opened the door and stuck his head in. “Jesus help me.”

“Aw, look its Max!” Joseph didn’t miss the sarcasm lacing the nasal tone. “Rich boy, what’s good?”

Once Maximillian fully walked in, Joseph took a deep breath and followed, but only to stand in the doorway behind his hen because, yes, he was ready to piss in his pants. There were four other boys sitting besides Emilio, no one really paying attention until the boy with an exuberant amount of freckles looked over and noticed someone behind Maximillian. “Who you?”

Everyone’s heads turned from the tv, five pairs of eyes watching, with Joseph sure that they could hear his pounding heart. He and Emilio blinked at each other before his former bestie stood, his face such a mixture of emotions that even Joseph couldn’t tell what he was thinking. “Joseph?”

Trying his best not to have a panic attack, he chewed on his lip and remained behind Maximillian, totally unashamed to be hiding. “Hi.”

Yeah, that was smooth.

“Come in,” Maximillian said, taking his wrist with that always delicate yet powerful touch before dragging him all the way in and shutting the door. “Before you end up with heatstroke or something.” Taking Joseph’s almost empty water bottle, he pointed him in the direction of the hall. “Bathroom. Go cool off and I’ll fill this.”

His mama hen was mothering and he was so cool with that right now. Joseph tried not to meet anyone’s eyes as he dragged himself down the hall, locating the bathroom easily and shutting the door behind himself, totally willing to never come out.

“This is how this is going to go,” Max began, once he was sure Joseph was in the bathroom with the water running. He didn’t want him to know that he’d officially decided to interfere on his behalf. He couldn’t help it when he’d dragged himself just to get Max to come with him. Whether he was allowed to or just supposed to supervise, Max wasn’t sure but this was it. If this went down wrong, he wasn’t so sure Joseph would be able to handle it well. “Do not hurt his feelings.”

Max would not let Emilio be the reason this asshole had a metal breakdown when he was working so hard to do better. He may not know a whole ton about Joseph or his situation but what he did know was that he was trying his best to stay stable and Max was totally willing to help with that.

“You’re pointing at me,” Emilio began, seeming to be completely taken aback by Max’s dominant tone, “to not hurt my bestie’s feelings?”

“Former bestie,” Max corrected as he walked to the water machine and filled Joseph’s huge ass bottle. Hydration was key for anyone in this shit ass heat but especially so for a dude healing from burns and skin grafts. “Currently a guy you haven’t talked to in years. That makes it a completely different situation. Plus, if you were so worried about your bestie, you could’ve answered his text instead-” The words came to a tumbling halt when he noticed the water had turned off. He didn’t take as long as Max thought he would’ve.

Impressive.

Sending a threatening glance to Emilio, Max held out Joseph’s bottle as the other boy came warily down the short hall. Accepting the water, he took a gulp before letting his eyes flutter over the many eyes staring at him. He could tell he was nervous and Max didn’t blame him. At all.

“Jax,” Jax called out, raising up a couple fingers. Out of these assholes, Max really only tolerated him. Only because he was so damn friendly all the time. A person didn’t have a choice. “Nice to meet you.”

It took a few blinks before Joseph finally spoke, his steady voice at odds with his body language. “Joseph. Nice to meet you too.” His eyes made a quick dash over to Emilio who still stood and was staring at the strange creature in his home. “I expected you to be taller.”

He couldn’t help it as a laugh burst out of his chest, earning him stink eyes from everyone except Joseph. If there was one thing that would always hit Emilio where it hurt, it was his height.

“I was just saying.”

Emilio gaped like a fish before sitting back down on the couch beside Marcus and finding his tongue. “Admittedly not the first thing I expected to be said between us after all this time.”

“Actually,” Joseph snorted, almost sounding annoyed, “the first thing I did was tell you I was back in Jersey. You ignored me.”

Max turned his gaze from Joseph to Emilio and back again. He’d told him to do this head first but now Max was hoping he hadn’t interfered in something he shouldn’t have. Joseph was an enigma to him; he had no idea what he was like in any kind of situation besides for a dinner no one wanted to be at.

“Even if you’re upset with me and don’t want to talk to me, the least you could have done was tell me as much. Any type of acknowledgement would’ve been okay. I would’ve understood just fine.” Using his bad hand, Joseph tapped two fingers to his chest. Max didn’t miss the way he did it so carefully. “I don’t appreciate being ignored. I feel like shit ever minute of my life so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t add on to that problem. I’ve got enough to last me a fuckass lifetime.”

The words were registering in Emilio’s brain, Max could tell from the focus in his eyes but that wasn’t where his attention was. “What happened to your hand?”

“Nothing,” Joseph snapped but his hand was quickly lowered, hidden not very subtly behind his back. Max was shocked by the anger brewing. He’d expected nerves, maybe a touch of frustration, but not full bristling anger. He wasn’t even sure that Joseph had expected it. “Are you listening to me?”

Emilio’s chest heaved as he took in a deep breath and got to his feet, taking a few steps closer to Joseph. Everything was quiet to the point that Max could hear not only his heartbeat but even Sean’s across the room. “I’m listening. I should’ve answered. That was rude of me. Mean of me.” Ever so carefully he took one more step forward as if he was facing a feral animal. “I’m sorry.” He held out a careful hand, “Can I see?”

They were cut off by a phone, Joseph’s phone, and from Max’s vantage point, he could see some blonde boy on the cracked screen. “What,” Joseph answered with a tired sigh, Max impressed by how easily he switched faces and emotions.

Almost as good as he was. A valuable skill if there ever was one.

Chapter Text

“Where…are you?” Skov tried tentatively, Joseph able to hear the little shakes of nervousness in his voice. Almost like he was afraid he was overstepping by asking Joseph where he was. He kind of was and kind of wasn’t. “It’s been almost an hour, you know, and we just got like…a bit worried? Jiang went out to look for you but…”

Joseph obviously hadn’t been found because it seemed he was doing more than just getting air.

Like arguing with his former bestie.

It was almost like an epiphany, realizing how angry and frustrated he was with Emilio. He hadn’t realized that being ignored had hurt him this much but now that he was talking about it?

Yeah, he was pissed.

He was going through so much so fast and Emilio was a current bump in his road. Hell, a pothole. Joseph was allowed to be angry about that, wasn’t he? It was totally fair. Wasn’t Emilio holding him back from moving forward on his shitty road to recovery? Joseph either had to fill the hole or fix it and he’d really prefer fixing. All he had to do was get over this bit of anger stored in him that also might have a little to do with a noisy house full of assholes.

“I’m…” Joseph sighed as he paused, clasping the bridge of his nose like it could help his headache. “I’m on my way back. I made a stop. Tell Jiang if he follows me again, I’m going to kick his ass.” Thinking about the fucked hand that was currently holding the pressure in his nose, he corrected “When I’m better, I’m going to kick his ass. At a later date. Schedule it.”

It was the fact that Skov actually took the time to notify Jiang that made him release a breath and relax. Friends were more trouble than they were worth, a hassle if there ever was one, but then they were worth every minute of trouble that they caused.

Friends were a conundrum that Joseph had yet to figure out.

There was some shouting that had to be Jiang but Joseph didn’t bother as he closed his abused phone and bothered to pay attention to Emilio again. Emilio who looked like he hadn’t grown an inch since they’d last saw each other. He probably hadn’t. Joseph let his eyes rove to the other boys; the black guy who had to be Marcus and the one who was chewing on what looked to be a rosary who sat beside Jax. Beside the freckled boy was the one who had called out Max, his eyebrow raised in almost a challenge.

“Who’s that?” Emilio asked, trying and failing to be casual about it.

Calmer than before after talking to Skovron, Joseph blinked blankly at the rosary boy before turning back to Emilio. “A half-prodigy little blonde who more often than not is lucky that he’s adorable.” He could imagine Skov scrunching his pert nose in indignance right now at being called adorable. “Or else I would’ve beaten the crap out of him by now.”

They didn’t like to hurt their pup the way they totally beat up each other.

“Is he…at your house?”

He didn’t like this. Even if Joseph was angry, he didn’t like that Emilio was tiptoeing around him. Emilio never tiptoed. If he had something to say, then he said it. That was one of the things that he liked about him.

Joseph’s thoughts tripped to a halt as he suddenly looked at Emilio closer, taking in every inch and detail he could. His former best friend watched back closely, almost like he was waiting to see what Joseph was searching for. It wasn’t what he was looking for but rather, what he wasn’t.

It was missing.

Time was time, sure, but Joseph hadn’t expected to be able to look at Emilio and not feel his heart clench or skip a beat. It didn’t speed up and his eyes didn’t pause longer than they would on anyone else. Not the way his eyes still paused on Swan or even when he’d met Maximillian for the first time.

“Joseph?”

Emilio’s ship had sailed. Joseph wasn’t in love anymore. He loved him, yes, but he wasn’t in love. Those feelings that had suffocated him, made him bloom when they’d been actually together were…gone. He was looking at his friend and that was all.

That was all.

It didn’t necessarily upset him; maybe a bit but not as much as he’d thought it would. It actually…it made him happy. Like maybe he really could move on. Maybe he wasn’t as stuck in a pothole as he’d expected.

Maybe he really could make it down the road of recovery. One that meant healing, moving on, and maybe even growing up.

“Can I see your hand?”

Sparkles to the point of blindness were busy lighting up his heart at this sudden realization. Wasn’t growing up and moving on being healthy? The damn sparkles were so bright that he hadn’t even realized that he’d given Emilio his bad hand without question until a gentle touch was running across the top of it. Yanking it back with a force even he wasn’t expecting, Joseph held his hand in his good one and said softly “It’s healing. We’re not supposed to mess with it.”

Not to mention the strange lack of feeling and yet being able to feel that still utterly disturbed him.

Emilio didn’t even look remotely bothered by Joseph’s yanking. The curiosity flecks of light that used to always light his eyes when they were kids glowed like a fire. “What’s it healing from?”

Joseph wasn’t sure how he imagined all of this to go, but this wasn’t it. His hand was a decently safe topic he supposed, as long as they didn’t get deeper than that. Mental health and all. Mental health that was the reason of his hand.

And stuff.

“Surgery,” he answered hesitantly, surprisingly unwilling to say more even though he’d told Maximillian so easily. It was like lowering his defenses when he wasn’t ready to. Maximillian hadn’t been important before; Joseph didn’t care what he thought of him. Maybe he did a little now but not before.

He definitely cared what Emilio thought.

“If,” Emilio began hesitantly, almost like he was approaching a scared animal and, really, Joseph could totally be that scared animal right now, “you’re uncomfortable telling me, that’s fine. One word answers seem like a bit of a waste of time.”

Joseph easily read the rest of the sentence not coming out of the other boy’s mouth. Uncomfortable telling me…yet.

Yet.

Taking a deep breath and sharing a look with Maximillian just because, Joseph stared at his grafted hand for a moment, pleased with how it was healing. There was going to be discoloration no matter what but he liked to think that he was doing a really good job of taking care of it so that all of his grafts were as minimally discolored as possible. Flexing his fingers while watching and feeling the tautness of the skin, Joseph finally replied “I got your letter.”

He was stuck between caring and not caring that people were listening. People who probably knew the basic situation anyways. Joseph knew that Marcus did. “Did you? Did you read it?”

“I did.”

The day before he’d tried to kill himself for the fourth time. But at least he’d read it.

“So…”

Joseph had no idea how to talk to Emilio. Obviously he knew that they couldn’t just jump right back in where they’d left off but realizing that his tongue and head had no idea how to interact with someone who Joseph used to be able to tell anything was sobering. More sobering than him being clean. He watched his fingers tick, the thought of drugs making them want. What he wanted to understand was how in the hell his mother was handling being clean much easier than him. He’d never seen her with even a single finger tremor not for her to have coke filled thoughts like he did.

But then, maybe if he actually tried to talk about it, she’d tell him what was really happening.

“I’m clean, you know,” Joseph said, surprised by the topic he’d chosen but willing to work with it. Picking his head up from his hands, he scanned Emilio’s face for a moment before adding “And yet, I feel like I was more stable as a junkie than I am now. Is that ironic?”

“My understanding of irony is a bit limited but I know that if you think that way then you’ll believe it whether it’s true or not.”

It was both true and not and that was the problem here. Joseph wanted something to snort and a cigarette to smoke but he also didn’t. He was enjoying not having to make a line or two every hour before his body went whack on him. However, he felt off kilter without them.

With a tired sigh, Joseph just shrugged and grabbed his bottle off the floor where he had set it down beside his feet. He wanted to sleep and maybe because he’d walked so much, he’d be able to take a nap when he got home. “Yeah, whatever you said.” He nodded at Maximillian who was watching them with examining eyes that rivaled Skov’s half prodigy intelligence. “Walk me home, mother hen.”

Maximillian was about to say something but Emilio cut him off with a vicious wave of his hand. “Wait, wait, wait. You didn’t come here just for us to barely even speak to each other.”

“I opened the line of communication. Job completed.”

Emilio gave him a good old fashioned stink eye. “Then I’m going home with you. Keep the communication open. Job initiated.”

Now this was the Emilio he remembered. Totally pushy. He couldn’t help but smile. “I didn’t invite.”

Upturning his hands as if he saying ‘who cares???’ Emilio smiled and replied “I invited myself. To welcome your mom back, you see. Nothing to do with you so I don’t need an invite coming from you.”

Man, would Proko teach him the history of logic right now. One time he’d spent an hour explaining logically fallacies because a drunk Jiang had made one. “Uhuh.”

“Yeah. And I don’t have to walk with you either. I’ll walk behind you and mother hen so you can see that it has absolutely nothing to do with you at all.”

Joseph’s phone rang again, this time with him finding Jiang’s constipated picture staring back at him. Skov’s picture was of him cupping his face and being a ‘flower’ as Skov loved to be. Jiang’s was of him squishing his face together with his hands with his tongue sticking out. It was the most unflattering picture in the world but it always made Joseph smile when he looked at it. The self-proclaimed sexy man preferred Joseph to smile rather than worry about an ugly picture.

That was friendship. It had just taken him a long time to realize it for what it was.

“Yo,” Joseph said into the phone, less of a sigh in his voice than before after seeing that stupid picture. “Have you ever heard of a person having a little independence?”

“Maybe. Maybe not. Dudes who like to kill themselves don’t get that much independence, honey.”

Honey? He was so having Swan beat his ass today. “Bitch, did you just call me honey?” A snicker followed his question, Joseph shooting Maximillian a death glare in a response.

“I did, I did,” Jiang replied, not a care in the world. “Where are you? Tell me now before I call the police. I’ll file a report, I swear to God.”

“Police don’t file missing person reports until after twenty-four hours.” Or was it forty-eight?

“Not after I tell them you have a history of self-harm and suicide attempts. They’ll listen to me, baby.” He heard Skov giggle in the background and at this point, Joseph was willing to risk throwing a punch. Or at least a pillow. “Full stop, where the hell are you.”

“Is that a question or a statement?”

“Bitch.”

With a long sigh that he was impressed his cocaine lungs could even manage, Joseph glanced at Emilio’s curious face and then to who he assumed were Emilio’s friends before his eyes landed on Marcus. Marcus who actually looked like he was challenging Joseph with that look. Squinting at him, Joseph put his phone on speaker out of spite for all, maybe even himself, and replied “I decided to visit my ex-bae. Thoughts?”

He was impressed that Jiang was able to stay quiet as long as he did. “Excuse me? You mean short cute ass Puerto Rican?”

Emilio didn’t look impressed at all. Neither did Marcus for that matter, but, hell, Maximillian was loving it. Joseph was totally willing to let this whole mess of world’s colliding for that smile. He was a whipped man for an asshole that wasn’t even his to have. “That’s the best description you could give of me?”

Joseph just shrugged because it was accurate whether Emilio liked it or not.

“Yo, you him? Don’t be offended; that was totally a compliment! I saw your picture and I’d totally tap that.”

Trying not to laugh was done only for Emilio’s dignity. Only.

“Excuse you?” Marcus snapped, getting to his feet as if Jiang was actually here in person. “Say that again. I dare you.”

“Aw, damn,” Joseph couldn’t help but snort in glee because he was seriously getting a kick out of this. It was in no way helping him fix things with Emilio but it’d made this stifling day a thousand times more interesting. “Does that piss you off? It’s a compliment. Xia is quite picky, you know.”

“Hey, hey, yo,” Jiang said over the line, using his badass voice because he knew the start of a fight when he heard one. “Don’t be starting fights that I’m not there to back you up in. Your body is shit right now. I swear to God, I’ll beat the crap out of that shit and then out of you for starting it.”

“Omg, don’t start fights!” Skov yelled, way too close to the phone that Joseph took a minute to wonder how in the world Jiang had let him get that close. The man was protective of his things, especially of his phone. Deep secrets were locked in there. “I’ll punch you too!”

“Do you really think you could?”

“Of course! I pushed Jiang. Obviously that counts as something.”

“It ended with a bruise on your face and you crying.”

Joseph wasn’t sure what Skov had eaten but goddamn was he not only hyper but confident. Maybe it was just the matter that he was officially having a proper ‘slumber party.’ “But I did something! That counts.”

“You’re right,” Emilio snorted with a laugh as he peeked over the edge of Joseph’s phone and looked at the picture of Jiang. “He’s adorable. The squeaky one, not this mushed face one.”

“Hey, yo, Puerto Rican babe, gimme your address.”

“Don’t give him your address,” Joseph said quickly, shaking his head vehemently at Emilio. All he needed was Jiang showing up and then showing up whenever he felt like it after that. He’d do it, even if he didn’t know Emilio. The man had no shame. “Bad idea.”

Emilio considered him for a moment before he flashed him that smile that Joseph had fallen in love with years ago. “Of course not.”

Chapter Text

Things always came at a price.

Joseph should know better.

Emilio not selling his address away to Jiang simply meant that Emilio was seriously going to follow him home.

Literally.

“At least you keep me in the shade,” Emilio laughed as walked right behind Joseph. Joseph who was starting to get annoyed because he didn’t feel like he’d accomplished anything. Sure, Emilio was talking to him and sure, he was even going to his house with him. “You’re so tall, like what the fuck, dude. I’m pretty sure you stole whatever height that was supposed to be mine.”

They hadn’t talked through any of their issues. Letters had passed between them but Joseph needed everything said out loud. He was a literal kind of guy; he was sick of guessing and ambiguity. “Yeah, maybe,” he allowed, tired out of his skin and head. He wanted to sleep. He wanted Emilio to go away until he was ready. He wanted to not have to be stressed all the damn time.

In short, Joseph wanted a lot of things.

“It feels like it was just yesterday we were walking down the street together. Not that we’re walking together now, of course. You’re walking with Max and I’m just walking in the same direction as you guys happen to be going.”

God, he just wanted him to stop talking. It wasn’t nice and it wasn’t fair because at least Emilio was trying for them.

“So you have friends staying over?”

“Man, shut up,” Maximillian said with a tired sigh as they walked down Joseph’s street. Joseph didn’t understand how he’d ended up stuck with both of them but it’d be messed up if he didn’t let Maximillian come in when he’d done all this with him. Joseph was at least a little decent. “Can’t you tell he’s tired?”

Joseph risked a glance behind himself only to catch Emilio rolling his eyes. Unfazed to the end as always. That was a good thing because Joseph now was not the same Joseph as before and Emilio was going to have to learn that he was not easy to be around. Not because Joseph was just as asshole, sort of, but because he was on the very bottom of ‘not okay’ right now.

“You and me are still not on happy terms,” Emilio snorted as they walked up Joseph’s stairs. “We’re on decent ones. That’s it.”

Unlocking his door, he relished in the refreshing air condition that hit his face. It surprised him how quiet the house was. Wait, not surprised.

Disturbed.

“Come in,” Joseph murmured as he shucked off his shoes and hung his cap up. He tossed his keys in the little key cup on the entryway table and dragged himself to the family room, taking a small peak inside. His assholes were each curled in a corner; watching on the phone, playing a game, or reading.

This was the kind of quiet Joseph loved.

“Hey, bitches,” Joseph said as he walked in, feeling the sweat dry uncomfortably on his skin. “Why can’t you be quiet like this when I’m home?”

Skov laughed as he oozed into the bean bag, his arms and legs noodles all around him. “Because you’re the life of the party. Duh.”

“If he’s the life of the party,” Maximillian snorted as he came around Joseph’s shoulder and took in the boys before him, “then this party must be shit.”

“No truer words,” Jiang said as he clapped with glee. “This dude gets it! Hey, gorgeous guy, you into threesomes? I mean goddamn, you are fine.”

Prokopenko munched on cocoa puffs that he must have snagged from the kitchen, his eyes watching Maximillian closely like he not only was searching for something, but had found it too. “Hitting on a dude when he barely walks in is bad etiquette.”

“I don’t have etiquette.”

“No shit,” Joseph couldn’t help but snort as he dragged his tired body to an empty space of floor and carefully stretched himself out. He hadn’t realized it while he’d been walking but now his whole body was aching. Every movement brought a tight twinge with his grafts feeling tighter than usual. He knew it was just the exhaustion and not that he’d actually messed them up with his exercise. It didn’t make him any less worried though. “You have about as much as tact as Charles call me Chuck.”

“Aw, hell no,” Jiang practically snapped as the guys laughed at him. There were few things that really pissed off Xia Jiang. Charles call me Chuck in general was one. Comparing him to him was another. “You comparing me to that fuck, Jersey?”

Shutting his eyes against the too bright light, Joseph set his bad arm carefully on his abdomen and murmured “Yes, yes I did.”

A shadow passed over his eyelids, Skov’s concerned voice coming not a second later. “Hey, don’t sleep like that. Go wash up.”

“Go away.”

“No.”

“Okay so obviously,” Emilio began, Joseph could tell that he was using his ‘I’m slightly offended’ voice which was actually so nice to hear after all these years, “I’m left out of something everyone knows. Something even Max knows. So Emilio would like to be in the know if you guys don’t mind.”

Joseph wasn’t really sure if he minded or not. It wasn’t like he didn’t want Emilio to know but then like…he sure wasn’t making an effort for him to know either.

Another conundrum for his life.

There was a special thing about Jiang’s judgement that could be felt in the air. Joseph didn’t even need to look at him to know he was being stared at with the almighty eyes. “What the fuck did you guys even talk about?”

“Nothing,” Emilio answered for him. Whenever he was annoyed, there was always this little tilt upwards at the end of his words when he spoke. “Nothing at all. We stood and pretty much just settled for staring because all I was getting was one word answers and then he decides he’s going home.”

“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here,” Joseph muttered, acting like he wasn’t here because he wanted everyone to leave him alone but here enough to totally be offended by it. “I’m right here.”

“Okay, Mr. I’m Right Here,” Emilio snorted, his voice getting more annoyed by the second. If Joseph was up to it, he’d keep pushing just to see those murder eyes that he liked. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

He couldn’t stop the laugh despite the pain it brought to his abused body. “Man, so much shit, you would not believe. You’re going to have to be much more specific, dear.”

There was a huff and despite their years apart, Joseph knew Emilio’s huff. He knew Emilio’s everything and being in the same space all over again made his heart do funny things. Here they were, back in Joseph’s ‘family room’ arguing like they used to.

Really, time didn’t change too much and yet at the same time it changed everything.

“I’m on the verge of violence, bitch. I’ll come over there and kick your ass.”

Maybe time changed a little because this was new. Emilio had never been particularly violent. At all violent, actually. He used to judge Joseph for his violent tendencies. Waving his arm in the general direction of where he remembered Swan and Jiang to be sitting before he had closed his eyes and whacking Skov in the process, Joseph replied “Try to touch me and one of those bastards will most likely hit you first. Depending whose side Maximillian is on, he might hit you too.”

“He’s cute though,” Jiang said, almost in an eerie wonder like how in the hell Joseph had managed that one. “Dunno if I can hit that cute face.”

“I can,” Swan snorted with a laugh, sounding oh so cheery about it like it would be his complete honor to do so. “I totally can, man. Just for you.”

Emilio proved that he had no time for bullshit by completing ignoring the two sitting on the daybed. “Can we just talk instead of you practically ignoring me? You obviously want to talk since you not only texted but bothered to come so why screw it all up by changing your mind?”

Because he was fuck ass self-destructive. Because he was too afraid to reach for things only to have them taken away. Because he was a damn coward.

Because, because, because.

“Can’t you provide me with just five minutes?”

Joseph could say a lot in five minutes. He could talk fast when he wanted to, and he didn’t want to. Talking was something he didn’t even want to do anymore. Rejection was on the border and it scared the crap out of him. It was too damn close.

“You got the tattoos you always wanted.”

A small laugh escaped his chapped lips, a smile turning up a corner. Leave it to Emilio to always find a way. He’d only been able to see his hand and fingers but Joseph had talked about wanting a sleeve enough in his childhood for Emilio to be able to finish the picture. “Yeah, I guess I did.”

“No piercings?”

Since his ‘accident,’ Joseph hadn’t had his piercings in. He’d thought about putting them back but now that he was back in Jersey, it seemed like a taboo when it hadn’t been one in Henrietta. Maybe not putting them in kept him more ‘Joseph’ than ‘Kavinsky’ around here. “Not wearing them.”

It almost spooked him when suddenly Emilio’s voice was beside him. He hadn’t even heard him move. Usually, Joseph could hear even the press of feet on the carpet. Someone had been practicing stealth and he didn’t like it. “So rebel boy became the rebel boy he always wanted to be, huh?”

Daring to peek out from under his arm, Joseph blinked at the face hovering above him before covering his eyes again. “Something like that.”

Emilio hummed as he sat down properly beside Skov. “Alright, rebel boy, why’d you get clean?”

If there was one thing his former bestie had always been good at, it was finding different angles to make a person talk. He knew exactly where Emilio was trying to take this. It didn’t mean Joseph had to be easy with his answers. “Hard to get high when you’re asleep.”

“Nice try. Vague but not enough. Hospital?”

“I like this guy,” Jiang whispered in awe. In a louder voice, Jiang called from the bed where he now hung upside down from “Dude tried to off himself for like the hundredth time. He was in a coma and shit. Burned like half his beanpole body in the process.”

Joseph wasn’t sure if he was more offended that Jiang betrayed him so fast or being called a beanpole. His self-esteem was shit and his weight was definitely one of his sensitive spots.

“Bright side is it got him clean so I guess that’s worth something.”

Yeah, he was going to end up killing Jiang before he left back to Henrietta. Joseph just needed a bit more strength in his body. Soon, very soon.

“They did skin grafts and shit. That’s why we’re all watching him like potatoes.”

Watching him like… Throwing his arm off his face and nearly hitting Emilio in the process, Joseph sat up and snapped “What the fuck does that even mean?”

Looking particularly proud for whatever stupid reason, Jiang rolled up to a sitting position and snorted “Potatoes need to ripen underground. We are hovering to ensure our hibernating bear potato ripens to a healthy mindset!”

“What?”

“It makes sense!” Skov suddenly shouted, jumping to his feet with a laugh. That laugh was going to end up killing him in both cuteness and annoyance. Joseph couldn’t take it anymore. He laughed literally every five minutes and it was driving him nuts. With a considering look and hands on hips, Skov added “But I think he’s more of a carrot root vegetable than a potato. Too skinny.”

He was going to kill them all. He really was. Including Maximillian who was laughing where he still stood by the door.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Prokopenko said, his dreary voice awakening from his food coma. “No fat. Potatoes are round; he’s not. Hey, but Isha’s round.”

“Bitch, you did not,” Jiang almost snapped, throwing a pillow across the room at Prokopenko which was not dodged in any way. Prokepenko went down with an exaggerated oof as he ate the pillow to his face. “Put my boy’s name in your mouth again and I’m telling carrot boy over here that you ate his entire box of apple cinnamon cheerios.”

That bitch did not eat his cereal. Limited edition cereal, thank you. “You what?”

“I’ll buy you a new box!”

Joseph was done with these bitches. He was sweaty, gross, and exhausted. When he had the strength, he’d beat Prokopenko with a box of frosted flakes. It was the one cereal Proko couldn’t stand. Getting to his feet, he snapped “I’m going to shower.” He wasn’t exactly sure if his frustration was because of his exhaustion or because he was dealing with too much people. Joseph wasn’t made for this many people when sober. He grew up an only child in a quiet house.

He was at the start of the stairs when he heard Jiang loud whisper “Quick, Skovron, go make sure there’s no loofahs.”

“You know what,” Joseph hissed as he doubled back and pointed a dangerous ET finger at everyone except Maximillian, trying his best to not be super angry because he knew, he knew, that his friends really only meant well, “everyone out. Out, like out of my goddamn house. Now.”

Blank faces stared at him before Swan wore careful concern and got to his feet, hands out and upturned like he was afraid he was about to spook Joseph. “You’ve had a really long-”

Refusing to have a meltdown in front of Emilio despite how it boiled just beneath the surface of his control and pissed that Swan could tell that he was on the verge of one, Joseph seethed “Don’t stand there and try to justify my behavior to me. Don’t push it.”

“-you’re exhausted-”

Fury at the tip of his tongue, especially because he knew that Swan was right, Joseph opened his mouth to snap at the bitch boy in front of him. Before he had the chance, that strong yet safe hand gripped his upper arm.

“Stop.” Maximillian had grabbed Joseph but his words were directed at Swan, those cassowary eyes daring the other boy to keep talking. “Everyone go take a fucking walk for an hour. Come back later.”

Swan stared at that hand then roved his gaze up to Maximillian’s face. “Remind me again who the hell you are?”

“The new bestie, bitch.”

Great, now the cassowary was about to stab Joseph’s ex with his scary ass claws. Maybe if he was threatening Jiang, he wouldn’t care as much. This was all escalating because he really was tired and there were too many people in his house. Too many goddamn people.

Ridiculous reasons but no one ever said that Joseph wasn’t a ridiculous boy.

“Fantastic, new bestie, but we’re the old besties and we know how to deal with our asshole.”

Maximillian pointed a gorgeous long finger at Emilio who was watching with the widest eyes Joseph had ever seen. He felt like he had to explain himself to Emilio, embarrassed that he was such a mess but just as angry that he felt this way in the first place. “That’s the old bestie. Not you.”

Swan opened his mouth to snap something back but a wave of that dangerous cassowary hand stopped him in his tracks. Joseph didn’t know if Swan was like him and able to tell that Maximillian just might not be someone to mess with.

Releasing Joseph’s arm, Maximillian turned him back towards the door and stairs and gave him a light little push. “Go shower.”

Chapter Text

By the time he’d successfully showered and gotten dressed, Joseph had decided that he was done with people and had shut his door, locking himself away like the dramatic princess he’d decided to be. He didn’t watch the clock but he must have been hunkered down for way too long because a knock sounded at his door. An authoritative knock that Joseph knew was his father’s. “You alive in there?”

Joseph didn’t even know if it was worth pointing out that his joke was so unfunny. “No.”

“If that was supposed to be funny in an ironic way, it wasn’t.”

Touché.

“You alright?”

No. “Yeah.”

“Can I come in?”

“I’m fine.”

His father switched languages so fast that Joseph’s tired head was almost confused by what was coming out of his mouth. “And a liar more often than not so let me in before I start asking questions that you probably don’t want to have to be said through a door where everyone can hear.”

His dirty laundry was so aired out to everyone in this house that it didn’t even matter much to him anymore. Just getting to the door to unlock seemed exhausting anyways. Plus, if his father really didn’t want to let everyone to know what they were talking about, he’d ask his questions in Bulgarian like he was speaking now. He was being threatening on purpose. Joseph was no fool. “I have caused myself no harm, I just want to be alone.”

Silence followed his words but only for the shortest second possible. If, of course, a second wasn’t a fixed measurement of time. “Be alone but I need this door unlocked. Don’t make me break it.”

Joseph knew why he wasn’t allowed locked alone time but that didn’t mean it didn’t bother him that locking his own door was now an issue. However, compared to his current throbbing headache, fighting over something so stupid wasn’t even worth it. Maybe if he was in more of a combative mood, he’d fight just to be an ass. Because he was like that sometimes. So was his father.

Where did everyone think he got it from?

Dragging himself from his bed, Joseph trudged to the door and unlocked it, opening it just a crack to find his father looking more pissed than his voice had sounded. Usually it was the other way around. “Door’s open, pops.” There was something on the tip of his father’s tongue but he didn’t say a word before walking off down the hall to his bedroom, his feet clipping along with him. “No shoes upstairs!”

He was pretty sure he heard a curse but he just ignored it and turned his gaze to the opposite end of the hall, finding Emilio’s head peeking around the wall at the top of the stairs. The bastard was still here. Not that Joseph should be surprised in anyway by this development. “Why are you still here?”

“I’m like a leech, buddy,” Emilio snorted, bringing his whole self around the wall and walking over to Joseph. “Also, I’m a Vidal; we’re stubborn bitches.”

Where was the lie? With a huff at the sudden inability to slam his bedroom door in Emilio’s smirking face, Joseph slipped past him and practically slithered his way down the stairs to his assholes who looked like they hadn’t moved since Joseph had gone up. If there wasn’t an empty plate of whatever Jiang had eaten and a cup of what he was pretty sure was ice tea in his hand, he would’ve believed it too. “Why are you bitches still here?”

From the way Swan watched him, Joseph knew that he was trying to gage whether he was asking as part of his fit earlier or because he was messing with them. It was a little of both, if he was honest. “Jiang has explosive diarrhea. Couldn’t keep him from a bathroom too long. You know how that goes.”

One time Joseph had drunk expired milk out of spite for his body because he was pissed at it. He knew how it went just fine.

Settling for a sigh, Joseph trudged over to where Maximillian had commandeered the bean bag and ever so carefully dropped himself down beside him. This boy was the only calm in his upside down world right now and as much as it weirded him out, Joseph was too tired to fight what his head liked. His whole body was fatigued in ways Joseph didn’t even know he could get fatigued. He was tired as hell. Stomach as soupy and stressed as ever because God knew why, Joseph set his chin on his knees and turned to look at his apparent new bestie. “I’m sleeping at your place today.”

Maximillian’s eyebrow raised in an almost perfect imitation of Asen. He wondered if he even knew that. “Why.”

“You said your house is quiet. I need quiet. Badly.”

A little blonde head popped up over his shoulder, “We can be quiet. You just have to ask, you know.”

“I want to be alone,” he corrected, trying not to roll his eyes at the half-prodigy’s idiocy to not understand. “A-lone.”

Joseph was getting sick of having to turn the corner and find someone in his face every five seconds. It wasn’t even about privacy, it was about the comfort of alone time. There were so many empty rooms in Maximillian’s house that even with him and his parents there, Joseph would be as alone as ever. Alone as needed.

“Suicidal bitches don’t get to be alone,” Jiang snorted with an almost authoritative tone that honestly just made Joseph want to punch him. Living with friends was a horrible idea. Movies made it seem like the coolest thing but goddamn was Joseph on his last nerve with these fools. No wonder they made sure not to see each other for extended hours in a day. Every day was fine as long as it was just a few hours. This? This was too damn much. “Duh, bitch.”

Trying his absolute hardest not to give in to the fight brewing in his queasy stomach, Joseph kept his eyes focused on Maximillian’s. “Can I sleep over?”

“I have no idea,” Maximillian replied with a shrug, the crinkle of the bean bag getting louder with his movements. Joseph would have to invest in a new one eventually. There wasn’t much left to his friend here. “I’ve never had anyone sleep over. I’ve never slept anywhere either, except for Asen’s house a couple times so…idk, bro.”

It was irritatingly cute the way he’d just said ‘idk.’ Cute but definitely definitely irritating. “So you’re a sleepover virgin like Skovron here?”

Skov waved with a big smile.

Cute but also definitely definitely irritating.

Maximillian gave another shrug as he tugged his phone from the pocket of his jeans. Slim, lovely jeans. Joseph wasn’t sure if he kept looking because, damn, he wanted Maximillian or damn, he wished he looked good in his own jeans like that.

Maybe both?

“You asking if I can sleep over?”

“No.”

“Rude.”

“You can sleep at my place,” Emilio cut in, being all nonchalant. Or at least, he was sure that Emilio was thinking that he was, hands in the pockets of his soccer shorts. With an easy one-shouldered shrug, he added “New apartment so it’ll be like a totally new experience for us. Like old times but not either, you know?”

He couldn’t help the look of utter disbelief he practically flung at Emilio. Joseph knew that his face looked like an asshole right now – ‘resting bitch dick face’ as Jiang would call it – but like seriously? “Dude, your place is smaller than mine and has all your crazy ass family in it and…you think that qualifies for what I think is alone time?”

“Well, joke’s on you, broseph, because it’s just down to five now. The three oldest crazies have a little place by themselves now. Just me, my dear lovely little sociopath, papa, mama, abuela, and Luis.”

It’d be a lie if he said that hearing his nickname in person after all these years didn’t make his heart stop. His heart, his mind, and his breathing as Joseph just sat there and blinked at his former bestie who as trying to look smug about bad math. “Bitch, that was six people.”

Emilio’s face turned blank for a second before he cursed and began counting on his fingers, Maximillian the loudest of them all as they laughed.

“Wait, wait,” Joseph interrupted with a wave of his good hand, his attention for Emilio officially caught. “Did you just say Luis?”

“Yup.”

“Really?”

“Really, really.”

Joseph couldn’t help the snort that erupted from his nose, thankful that he’d flushed it out in the shower. He and his cocaine-nose could be totally gross sometimes. One time he’d laughed at something Proko had said and snorted in the process and it was like he’d burst a goddamn artery. Blood gushed all over the place.

Unfortunately, all over the place meant all over he and Prokopenko’s homework. Explaining that to the teacher had been funny in the most unfunny of ways.

A little smile turned the corner of Emilio’s frown upside down. “You’re welcome for bringing amusement for your night. I expect payment.”

Smiling despite his day, Joseph laughed and threw his thumb back to point to Skov behind him. “I can have him hit you with a pillow. It’s so nonthreatening that it’ll make you giggle your shits out.”

“Giggle my shits?”

“Oh yeah.”

Skov was pouting as he got to his feet and went to the pile of pillows in the corner, grabbing one and looking like he was threatening Joseph.

Adorable. Truly. Especially with his ‘I’m angry, can’t you tell face?’

With his weapon raised and at the ready, Skov snorted “Non-threatening, huh?”

Joseph raised a brow, genuinely curious if Skov would actually do it. He’d be impressed if he did. Pissed, because it might hurt but totally impressed too. Skov didn’t like violence and he especially didn’t like to dish it on Joseph because despite all this time, he was sure that Skov still got the fearful jitters from him. “You gonna throw that at me, Blake?”

There was a slight hesitation, probably because of the first name usage, that Joseph caught in the way that Skov’s arm relaxed and his lip was bit. It was that tiny bit of hesitation that gave him the second to duck before he earned himself a mouth of pillow like Prokopenko earlier today. Unfortunately for Jiang, he wasn’t expecting it.

Maybe it was more…unfortunately for Skov.

“Fuck!” Jiang snapped, his cup of ice tea now all over his lap and favorite Puma shorts. He stared down at the pee-looking stain for a good few minutes before his head slowly rose, his eyebrows drawing close together as his mouth pressed tighter and tighter.

“Man, pups,” Joseph laughed as he clapped in utter delight because this was heaven to his tired soul, “I’d best start running!”

This, this here was noise he didn’t mind.

Entertainment. Of the best quality.

Skov’s eyes went wide, his whole body vibrating before he squealed and took off, nearly knocking Emilio over in the process. It was only a matter of milliseconds before Jiang bounced off the daybed after shoving the cup into Swan’s lap, his short legs speeding him off faster than Skov’s slightly longer ones had taken him away. They sat in silence, preferring to listen to the pitter patter of the feet on the tile. There was another squeal, a few curses, before something slammed into one of the walls. Something being Skovron because then he oofed in tiny™.

Blake did a lot of things in tiny™.

It was more often than not pretty damn cute. That asshole.

Joseph picked at the scabs that were forming over his healing burns on his hand as they waited for someone to make it on back here. There were a few grunts and a few more tiny™ noises as they waited, every single one of them ever so patient. It took long enough for Swan’s face to end up concerned as he tried to peer around Emilio who still stood in the doorway.

“You think we should check on them?” Swan asked, sliding off the bed when there was another thump. Joseph trusted Jiang not to beat the actual crap out of Skov but then…anything was possible. No one wanted a lap full of uncomfortable wetness. “He might kill pups.”

He shrugged as he stared at a different scab, “Blake’s funeral.” About to start picking at his burn, Joseph was interrupted by what was now becoming an annoying hand that grasped his good wrist. Turning his head to glare, Joseph found that he couldn’t even do that because Maximillian was holding him without even looking, his attention on his phone as he typed with only his thumb. “I’ll bite your damn hand off,” he snapped, reaching the end of his rope with this ‘helpful’ bastard.

“You wish,” Maximillian snorted without a care in the world. The indifference struck an angry cord in Joseph’s head. “Buddy, you think you’re scary and maybe you are but I’m the scariest shit around here. I promise.”

There was a temptation to dig into who exactly Mister Scary was here because Joseph was too curious for his own damn good but he preferred to make a point instead. “Buddy,” Joseph snorted, being sure to emphasize the buddy, as he yanked his hand away and made sure his glare connected “the scariest shit around here is Lord Kavinsky.” He leaned closer and whispered “You can ask the tri-state area.”

Maximillian smiled and honestly, it pissed Joseph off. Like he knew something he didn’t and when it came to Joseph’s father, no one would ever understand that man more than him. No way. They were too alike in all of the wrong ways. “My future doesn’t look too good then unless I bother to actually see my anger-management therapist. God forbid I end up like Lord Kavinsky.”

It was stupid, he knew it the minute he did it. Hell, he didn’t even know why he did it. But the minute his good fist had connected with Maximillian’s nose, Joseph knew that he’d made a colossal mistake. Knew it the minute he heard the noise and blood began to run, the flood gates having been broken.

He’d fucked up.

Chapter Text

He’d fucked up, sure, but Joseph was now realizing that while his ‘fucked up’ was for punching a guy who really had no reason to be punched because he’d only ever been decent and helpful, the real ‘fucked up’ was a whole different issue.

Because now? Now, Joseph had an angry cassowary on his hands ready to kill him with scary ass claws.

Getting to his feet so damn fast that Joseph barely even had the chance to process it, Maximillian loomed over him, not even bothering to stop the blood flow as under one of his eyes began to bruise. He yanked his now mishappen and cracked glasses off his face, revealing a deep bruise on the bridge of his nose where they’d been punched into, and tossed them onto the floor without a care. “You piece of shit, you dare hit me?”

Joseph had no idea if Maximillian was a yeller or shouter or whatever when he was when angry but if it was seething rage in the manner of Joseph’s father, then he was screwed. He may or may not have a little post traumatic stress in that corner.

Despite the gross overuse and abuse of the word, it was totally one of his triggers.

“You hit me?” Maximillian said again, his voice low as he pointed at himself as he stepped ever so closer. Joseph was aware that Swan was suddenly beside him but it didn’t matter because his eyes were for Maximillian only. Because while he was scared shitless of the dude in front of him right now, he was also thinking something incredibly stupid.

“You’re fucking gorgeous when you’re angry,” Joseph couldn’t help but whisper, almost reverently and he knew he was going to be mercilessly mocked for the rest of the days that his buddies were here. Hell, the rest of his damn life.

But, damn, did he not care at all. Not one damn bit, thank you.

Maximillian didn’t even blink. “Do you think with your brain or your dick?”

“Usually my brain,” Joseph answered, his voice still in awe because he was pretty sure his entire soul was borne open beneath those lovely eyes, “but after this whole re-gay awakening thing, I sometimes let my dick take the wheel. He never really got the chance, you know?”

Maximillian’s face didn’t change as someone snorted behind Joseph and he was pretty sure it was Jiang but, really, if anyone was going to be proud of him for this moment, it was that bastard.

“Re-gay?”

Sure that he’d distracted Maximillian enough not to suddenly get bitch slapped, Joseph turned his head to Emilio who was still standing in the doorway. Maximillian’s anger hadn’t even registered on his radar, like it was totally a regular Monday thing.

If it was Monday.

“Yeah, you know, I kinda locked it up in a box after you,” Joseph said, almost wanting to laugh at how comical this situation was to him. Here he was, in a room with two of his exes, in his father’s home, finding humor in his gayness.

He was pretty sure Dr. Cho would be impressed with him. Joseph couldn’t wait to tell her all about it.

Slinging a thumb over his shoulder to where Jiang stood in front of the day bed, wet shorts forgotten in favor of defending Joseph, he added “Then this guy would try to break the lock and take a peek once in a while and this guy,” he switched the thumb over to Swan, “dumped me-”

“Woah, woah,” Swan cut in quickly, waving his hands around as if that was going to stop anyone from speaking. “Woah.” He turned to Joseph, a disbelieving look on his face, his finger of justice ready to stab him in the chest if he could, “I? I? I dumped you?”

“I’m with Swan on this one,” Jiang called, picking his damp shorts away from his crotched with distaste written all over his face. “You dumped him. Hard. And cruel. Dare I even say fast.”

A fair point but as his father would say, not a winning one. Even if it was so so true. “Well, he dumped me back after that.”

The look on Swan’s face was one of pure murder. It looked like they were finally going to kind of sort of talk about this. The storm was about to break. In front of everyone. It was both embarrassing and relishing. “Whose fault was that?”

Joseph knew it was the wrong answer but once an asshole, always an asshole. He’d take this conversation over Maximillian beating the crap out of him any day. “Yours?”

At least he’d made it sound like a question.

“Mine?” Swan all but snapped, now very much in Joseph’s bubble. He was lucky he was one of the few that Joseph trusted anywhere near his bubble. Though he was still trying to avoid getting hit and having Swan in his danger stance was not good. “Man, we both know whose fault it is. Both damn times.”

“So you’re the saint in this shitty relationship?” Trying not to let his feelings get the best of him had been the goal but Joseph wasn’t so sure that he could successfully manage it. This was hard. Everything was always hard with him. “Why am I always the one who does everything wrong?”

A tiny blonde head cut between them, ever so carefully placing a hand on each one of their chests and pushing them apart. Joseph was tempted to rip Skov’s hand off of him but he was too busy glaring at Swan. “Deep breaths, everyone. Let’s not make things uglier.”

“Because you act like a piece of shit every minute you can,” Swan snapped, completely ignoring Skovron between them and pointing a harsh finger at Joseph. Skov attempted to push them further apart but they didn’t budge. “You do it on purpose so that when someone says something back, you make yourself the victim. Like right now. That’s exactly what you’re doing.”

Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe he was being honest about always feeling like the failure. Maybe he was too damn tired to always fight. It should concern him how easily he was about to give up. Joseph knew himself, he knew that the minute he started not caring was when he was hitting a low moment. He just had to make sure he told someone before it got out of hand.

Fast.

“Whatever,” Joseph muttered, not even bothering to roll his eyes because it was pointless. Swan’s face curled in confusion because Joseph didn’t just give in but he said nothing of it as Joseph nudged Skov’s hand off his chest. He took a few steps before cursing himself under his breath and grabbing Maximillian’s wrist to pull him along with him. “Let me clean you up.”

No one said anything and Joseph made sure not to make eye contact as he dragged Maximillian behind him up to his bathroom. He wanted to shut the door but he was worried about losing door privileges from how much he’d pushed today. Maximillian sat himself down on the closed toilet, his gaze burning holes into Joseph who was digging for a clean towel. “You like hot chocolate?”

Pausing his soaking of the towel, Joseph turned to look at the mystery sitting on his toilet with a bruised and crusted face. “What?”

“I didn’t think the question left any room for interpretation?”

No, but it sure as hell was a dumbass one. Especially now. Especially in August. He squeezed the towel until water no longer ran and came to lean over Maximillian. If he could hold peas to Skov’s face, he could wipe the damage he’d caused to Maximillian’s. “I mean, yeah, I guess.”

Maximillian said nothing as Joseph ever so hesitantly grasped his chin and tilted his head back. The silence was becoming unnerving but Joseph focused on his task at hand, carefully wiping the blood away and rinsing his towel.

Wipe, rinse, repeat.

After years of silence and once Joseph was finished, Maximillian stood and tilted his head left and right, checking out the damage in the mirror. “Not the worst I’ve gotten but not bad from a half-dead dude.” Joseph said nothing as he stretched out the towel on the door bar of his shower. He was curious but not enough to ask about Maximillian’s apparent violent escapades. “A quarter-dead dude?”

Joseph stared at Maximillian’s reflection that was staring right back at him, a challenge there but Joseph had no clue what it actually was. Or maybe he was just too tired to bother and find out. “How about just dead?”

Clucking his tongue, Maximillian turned to face him, bruises giving his skin a shallow parlor that still couldn’t dampen his lovely face. “You’re crashing.”

He was going to say ‘no shit’ but Joseph decided to not even bother and instead hung his head in his hands as he slid down his shower door to the floor.

“I’m going downstairs and you’re not going to move from that spot, alright?”

“I don’t need you to take care of me,” Joseph muttered though he was going for more of an angry sound. One more thing he got wrong apparently. “Fuck off or whatever.”

It was like he had said nothing at all as Maximillian called behind himself “Be right back. Don’t move or we’re gonna play some bondage style shit!”

Joseph didn’t dare move. He would take no chances. He hadn’t known Maximillian long enough to tell whether or not his threats were legit. To be honest, he sounded more serious about them than Joseph or even Jiang ever could be.

So he didn’t move.

It felt like hours to Joseph but he was sure that it wasn’t more than fifteen minutes before soft footsteps padded in on his carpet before arriving at the doorway to the bathroom. Joseph didn’t bother looking up, keeping his head in his hands as the other boy sat down in front of him. He didn’t look until something cold was pressed against his pants, a soft clinking noise echoing with the movement.

“Take it,” Maximillian said, his ruined glasses hanging in the collar of his soft red v-neck as he pushed a cup filled with what looked suspiciously like chocolate milk against his leg once more. Tilting his own glass, he waited patiently for Joseph to lift his own. When Joseph bothered to, he gave him a soft smile and laughed “Cheers!”

He watched the other boy take a swig of iced chocolate milk before staring back down at the cup in his hand. Iced chocolate milk. Iced. Joseph knew that they didn’t have ready made in the fridge which meant Maximillian had literally taken the time to put chocolate syrup in cups, added milk, mixed, and then added ice.

What the hell.

“Be it from me to ruin a moment,” Joseph began slowly, lost in the swirls of his milk, “but what the hell?”

Legs stretched out in the corner of his focused milk view, the soft clinking of ice and a swallow following. “Too hot for hot chocolate.”

Yeah, that wasn’t what he was asking.

“Drinking your sorrows or struggles requires something to drink,” Maximillian continued, either not caring that Joseph wasn’t even bothering to partake in this weird ritual or knowing that Joseph was almost there to convincing himself to. “Alcohol ain’t my jam, you know.”

Lifting his head and staring at the handsome conundrum before him, Joseph snorted “Underage, buddy.”

“You don’t actually think that I believe that you’ve never drank, Mister Cokehead?”

Deciding to finally take a sip of the perfect balance of chocolate and milk, Joseph blinked at the smirking asshole. “I meant you, dumbass.”

Maximillian shrugged and sipped while staring at Joseph. The bruises looked horrible and Joseph prayed that Lady Iskra wouldn’t hunt him down. “Ain’t my jam. I’ve tasted three and they’re all gross as hell. Why bother if they don’t even taste good?” He shook his almost empty cup. “Tastier and healthier.”

Now that was a winning point if there ever was one. Swirling his ice in his cup as he stared at the whirlpool he was slowly creating, Joseph sighed. He knew this boy for barely a few days and yet he understood him on a wavelength that had taken others years.

It took one to know one.

“I have nightmares, you know.” Joseph made sure not to breathe because he was too afraid that Maximillian would stop talking. “I’ve always had issues with nightmares. They got worse with my anxiety problems and all of that whole,” Maximillian waved his cup around while rolling his eyes, “deal. After a while I gave up on sleeping and would stay up for hours on end until I was so exhausted that my body had no choice but to turn my head off so I wouldn’t wake up screaming.”

Joseph was a little jealous that it had never occurred to him to just not attempt sleeping. But then, maybe because he knew about the whole sludge shit now, it was for the best.

With a soft smile on his face that made Joseph forget this guy had a shitty personality, Maximillian continued with a light airy voice. “My mom would come and sit on the floor with me and bring hot chocolate in the winter or iced chocolate milk in the summer. It’d be like two in the morning and she’d come half asleep so she can drink away my struggles with me.”

“I didn’t have a nightmare.”

Yet.

Who knew if he’d end up having one later. He’d been doing so well but with the tired mindset he was in right now, he wouldn’t be surprised if tonight was finally the night for all hell to break lose in his head.

“No, but you’re struggling.” Maximillian raised his empty cup, ice clinking on the glass. “We drink away the struggles.”

“Dude,” Joseph couldn’t help but point out, deciding that he might as well enjoy his milk before it gets watered down, “I literally almost broke your nose.”

He hated how cute Maximillian’s smile was. Hated. It was cute and mocking him at the same time and that was totally not okay at all. “Almost, little chick. And I can easily break half your body in half the time.” Joseph opened his mouth to speak, but Maximillian cut him off with a snort before he could even begin. “You needed to have the day’s temper tantrum. I let you. You hit me again, I’ll snap you. Fair?”

Glaring at the other boy over the rim of his cup, Joseph gulped the last of his milk, his throat hating him for it, and set his cup on the bathroom floor. He had wanted to put it down with force and purpose but it was glass and he didn’t feel like breaking it. “You’re such a fucking asshole.”

“This is news to no one, little chick.”

Joseph crossed his arms and forced himself not to grumble like a baby because he was sure that he’d be mocked for it. Mercilessly. “I hate you.”

“Immature. But you don’t hate my face.”

No, unfortunately he didn’t. He really wished he could though.

“So,” Maximillian started, because apparently he thought he was allowed to start things just because he’d shared the magic of iced chocolate milk, “you and that dude dated?”

Chapter Text

Emilio flicked his gaze from one dude to the other and the other and the last. Joseph had always had trouble making friends so the fact that he had this many was great.

Although he was more of a quality not quantity kind of guy.

Or…he was pretty sure he used to be before dating Marcus and then Devin. And then back and forth.

Still.

Was he considered like a man-whore kind of guy for flipping back and forth? He wasn’t sure and really, asking anyone that kind of question would be a bad idea. Especially if he asked someone like Max.

God, he hated that bastard sometimes. Like, he really wondered how and why they were actually friends.

“Wait so…” Emilio started, trying to make sure he got this right as he pointed at Joseph’s ex. Joseph’s ex. Yeah, he was maybe a little disturbed by this word. Not jealous, just disturbed. Maybe because of jealousy but what did Emilio know? Nothing. He’d barely passed high school as it was. “You asked him out, he dumped you, he asked you out, and you…dumped him. But you’re still friends in a weird ex supportive way?”

Finlay Swan thought for a second before nodding from where he sat beside the Asian guy. Jiang. Xia. He hated using people’s last names. It was weird and a lame cool kid kind of thing. “Pretty much. It’s not as weird as it seems, I swear. He’s just got a shit ton of issues.”

The entire world knew that.

Xia stuffed an entire chocolate truffle in his mouth and didn’t bother eating it first, instead letting it sit in his cheek. “Yo, he would know, he was dating him first.”

“He was a little more issue free, if you get me,” Emilio snorted. He laughed and shook his head, leaning back against the wall where he sat. “Okay, no. Just different issues.”

It annoyed him that it was Max up there with Joseph. Max who knew Joseph for like a couple days tops. Yet, there he had been, coming downstairs with that typical ‘I know all bullshit’ look, and welcoming himself into a kitchen that he’d never been in. He’d made iced freaking chocolate milk and moved on like none of them even existed. Actually, no, he’d stopped at the foot of the stairs, gave each one of them a nasty look and said no one interrupt.

So yeah. Even Joseph’s friends hated Max now.

The adorable one, Blake, leaned forward where he sat in the bean bag chair and squinted at Emilio for a good minute. Joseph was totally right that this dude was adorable. There was no way around it. Even the way he talked was cute. “So like, the conversation at your house didn’t go well?”

As if they’d actually had any. “That’s the problem,” Emilio sighed, trying his best to not sound annoyed because he knew how hard it must have been for Joseph to even show up at his place, “we didn’t even really talk. He just shut down and Max was more than happy to run with that as if it didn’t totally defeat the purpose in the first place.”

Emilio’s tolerance of Max right now was so low, he was amazed that he could even sit in the same room with him, to be honest. He was still pissed at him for a few days ago and he was even more pissed now because Emilio had to look at him act like he could solve Joseph in a day.

“So I am still sitting here wondering when I get a proper explanation.”

He may have tried his best to not let his whining come out with that statement. Emilio would not whine in front of strangers. He’d gone through enough humiliating things in high school. Thank god it was over. When his kids reached high school, he was so suggesting homeschooling.

“Jiang gave you one.”

Leveling a look at the squinting blonde, Emilio snorted “That was a not a good explanation. It was like, bare minimum basics. I want details.”

Lots of details. So many details that it would feel like he knew and understood his bestie again. Emilio wasn’t even sure that was possible to be honest, but he really hoped it was. They could never go back to who they’d been, but maybe they could settle on something new. Something for the updated version of Emilio and Joseph. Anything besides this awkward ‘what the fuck do we do with each other’ that they had going on right now.

And, obviously, something better than whatever it was that was going on between Joseph and Max. Emilio would, of course, never admit that he was jealous.

Only a little.

“The dude likes to off himself; this time he came super damn close,” Xia began, hanging himself upside down from the daybed. With the stain on his shorts now dry, the guy didn’t seem to care anymore. “We’re attempting to keep him as far away from his suicide train as possible because that shit’s intense. I think we’re doing a decent job if I do say so myself.”

“Are we?” Sasha Prokopenko asked, glancing between his friends. He was a weird one in many ways but Emilio felt like he was actually pretty smart too. Maybe more aware in his understandings even if his face and attitude didn’t show it.

But no one said that Emilio was a spectacular judge of character anymore so he could totally be wrong.

“Aren’t we?” Finlay countered, glancing between his friends. “I mean, we make sure to watch him and shit and we’re here, ain’t we?”

“Did anyone stop to consider that that may be half his problem right now?”

Emilio glanced over at Mr. Kavinsky standing in the doorway, leaning like he used to in the old days in that lean casual way of his. The only difference was of course the man had aged a bit and his hair was down, grazing his forehead.

A sight Emilio hadn’t seen for reasons other than when they’d go somewhere with water.

“New look I see.”

Crossing his arms, Mr. Kavinsky rested his head on the doorframe, chill as a cucumber as fucking ever in his joggers and tshirt. “Vesela apparently likes it.”

“She’s always liked it,” Emilio snorted because yes, he was privy to such info many years ago, “that’s never affected you or made you do things that you don’t want to do.”

There was tiniest huff of laughter that escaped from that smirk. “No, no it hasn’t. Maybe I’m just old and tired and feel like giving in.” Emilio settled for rolling his eyes as Mr. Kavinsky turned his gaze to the other boys before glancing around the room. He settled back on Emilio, “Maximillian went home?”

“Fuck ass bastard,” Emilio muttered with a scowl and another roll of his eyes. They’d had issues a few days ago and now they were accumulating with the Joseph issues and just the thought of Max annoyed him these days. Really really annoyed him.

“Fuck ass bastard, yes, but that hardly answered the question.”

Deep breathing was key when dealing with any Bulgarians he knew. Putting on his lovely fake smile, Emilio said to Joseph’s father “Upstairs sitting with Joseph where we are all not allowed to.”

From just the tiniest tilt of his smirk upwards, Emilio knew that Mr. Kavinsky had caught the jealousy in his tone. And why wouldn’t he? The man read people for a living. Scratching at his clean shaven chin, Mr. Kavinsky actually bothered to give a full laugh this time while nodding his head. “Not allowed to. Interesting.”

“Hardly.”

“Interesting,” Mr. Kavinsky repeated, looking like he’d made the discovery of a lifetime. “Very very interesting indeed.”

What was so interesting, he really had no idea but he also didn’t care to know either. Maybe Emilio cared like…the tiniest bit. But that was it. “No one says ‘indeed.’ It’s cheesy and lame. Very classic story like.” Mr. Kavinsky settled for a hum. Emilio couldn’t help himself, despite how much he didn’t even want to ask. “What’s so interesting exactly?”

Humming again, Mr. Kavinsky just shook his head, eyes glancing over each of them before he settled on Finlay. “I think you guys might be crowding his space.”

Finlay spun a bracelet around on his wrist, sharing a look with Xia. He seemed to consider this for a moment before saying “We were kinda figuring but…he’s the one who wanted us here. But yeah, I noticed he’s not taking all these people…well.”

“Well is an understatement, yo,” Xia muttered, an ugly frown on his face as he reached over to Sasha and grabbed a cookie. “He’s on the verge of a goddamn meltdown, swear to the God I don’t believe in. Dude’s ready to either throw something or throw someone.”

“Since you’re the smallest, I guess it’s you,” Sasha laughed under his breath before squawked as Xia was suddenly beating him with a pillow. “Okay, okay! It’s shrimpy over there!”

Was he talking about Emilio? Like hell he’d be called shrimpy. He had enough issues with his nonexistent height, thank you.

“Aw!” Blake shouted as he jumped to his feet, fists pumped up into the air. “Don’t insult our new friend! He’s tiny but mighty!”

Emilio was already pissed as it was but the minute Mr. Kavinsky snorted and started laughing at him, he was pretty sure this whole making new friends thing was finished. He was going to raid on the sacred Joseph-Max time whether they liked it or not.

Watching them all with amusement and a tiny smile on his face, Mr. Kavinsky snorted as his eyes tracked Sasha’s hand trying to reach for his own pillow weapon “This is why I stuck to one kid. Jesus Christ.”

He got to his feet as silently as possible and attempted to make his way out of the room while the fools were still distracted with one another. Emilio definitely didn’t want to get whacked. Giving Mr. Kavinsky a raised eyebrow who returned an even better one back, Emilio slipped around the mighty force wrapped in one man’s body and made his way to Joseph’s room.

The door was open just a crack which was more than enough of an invitation for Emilio. He gave a light tap to warn of his entry before pushing his way in, a small smile growing on his face as he glanced around what was just as much his childhood room as much as it was Joseph’s. “You gonna keep it as is or you plan on redecorating?”

Arriving at the open bathroom door, Emilio looked between the two boys seated on the tile, empty cups of milk in front of them. Joseph gave a rueful smile and answered “I was thinking of painting, actually.”

Emilio laughed, causing Joseph to laugh, both of them most likely remembering the same memory of the horror show of their attempt at painting. Lord, was Mrs. Kavinsky a saint for letting them get away with the shit they did. “Remember to cover the floor and open the can with care, yeah?”

It was probably the genuine smile he wore, the light in his eyes, that made Joseph look very much Joseph in that moment. The dark shadows were still under his eyes and the gauntness hadn’t disappeared, nor did the haunted exhaustion written all over his barely existing frame. And yet, all Emilio saw was his bestie right then and there. “Well, remind me when we start so we don’t have some crazy déjà vu.”

Heart skipping a few beats, Emilio walked into the bathroom and sat down beside his best friend and love of his life. They’d go on to live separate lives, they both knew that, but he knew that they’d never forget or stop loving each other in the way that them and their experiences only could. “Sounds like an invite to some fun.”

“It just might be.”

“Fun or an invite?” He reached over to Joseph’s cup that sat with a sip of milk left. It was probably just the ice melted but that was fine with him and he chugged down that last sip, the milk pact now complete.

Joseph rolled his eyes as he watched Emilio set the cup back on the floor. “Fun. Definitely an invite.”

“By Jove, I felt my heart flutter!”

“Oh Jesus,” Max muttered, stretching his legs out in front of him, knocking Emilio knee, probably on purpose. “Emilio has Joved.”

“I’m still pissed at you.”

“I have no doubt, dear.”

God, Max was lucky he was such a goddamn complicated person with pieces that Emilio liked or else this shitty attitude would be enough to not bother being friends with him. “Do you sit there and wonder every day how to be a royal ass?”

“No,” Max replied, a smile gracing his stupid face that shouldn’t be allowed to be so handsome, “despite Mariyan’s many wishes, we are not related to the Bulgarian royal family in any way. So no royalty to here, unfortunately.”

He didn’t even know a Bulgarian royal family had existed but he was so not telling. He’d just be judged for it.

“Better that way,” Joseph said, tapping his fingers on the tile floor to whatever beat was playing on in his head. “Most Bulgarian royals were mixed blood. Hungarians and Italians and whatever else. Less royal you are, the more Bulgarian you are.”

“Your dad say that?” Emilio snorted as he rolled his eyes, “Because that totally sounds like him.”

“That’s because it totally was him.”

Go figure.

Joseph’s mouth opened wide as he yawned, strangely looking like the feral animal Emilio pretty sure he was at times. All the time. Who knew with this new version of his bestie? “What are the dumbasses downstairs doing?”

Dumbasses was correct. They were bad by any means, but they were a lot for Emilio to handle. But it wasn’t like he could judge when he was friends with someone like Max. “Xia is sensitive about his height and is beating Sasha with a pillow.”

“Sounds like them.”

Emilio watched Joseph poke at a scabbing burn on his foot. “They seem alright.”

He turned to another that sat on the top of his toe, “They’re assholes.”

“That was part of the basic ‘alright’ meaning.” Joseph made a little humming noise as he sat there still poking at his foot. Emilio wished they were in a better place where he could ask to see the extent of Joseph’s injuries but he knew better. They weren’t ready for that kind of commitment yet. “Did you miss this as much as I did or am I the only one stuck in nostalgia?”

Pausing his poking, Joseph turned his head and cocked it to the side, his body still hunched over in an great example of the other boy’s flexibility. “Did you?”

“Did you think I wouldn’t? Even with the way you left?”

It was a low blow, sure, but Emilio knew that if they never got over that particular hump, they weren’t going anywhere. Joseph was watching him carefully, his face ever so blank and yet he sat there, chewing on his lip. He was nervous and they both knew it and Max probably knew it and they were just going to have to figure this out. They weren’t going to get any farther that basic decency if they didn’t bother.

“Why…” his voice cracked and yeah, maybe Emilio still wasn’t over it. Maybe that was why he was still a mess, even when he tried to be better. Maybe it took the pain of fixing the worst thing that happened in his childhood for Emilio to learn how to get a handle on his adulthood. It obviously wasn’t as extreme as what some other people went through but it still mattered. It’d changed him for worse.

Now he wanted to change for the better. And, hopefully, bring Joseph along for the ride too.

Rubbing at his eyes because he refused to cry in front of Max because he was so damn sick of crying in front of that asshole, Emilio took in a deep shuddering breath. He wasn’t going to look at Joseph. He was too afraid to see whatever it was that may happen. “Why couldn’t you have trusted me?” he whispered finally, hands falling into his lap, Emilio’s gaze following. “Why couldn’t you have trusted that I’d help you?”

It was quiet for a long while, even the echoes from downstairs having gone silent. In all honesty, if Joseph didn’t answer this question correctly, Emilio wasn’t so sure that they could be proper friends anymore. Awkward friends, sure, but no more than that.

This was the one thing he needed. He needed to know why.

Long minutes of staring at his hands grew longer before long tired fingers invaded his view, curling ever so gently around Emilio’s own darker but only a little shorter ones. There was strength that Emilio couldn’t have imagined in those bony hands, strength that sure didn’t show until it was squeezing his. “I trust you now,” came the soft whisper, emphasis given with another squeeze. “Can that be enough for right now?”

It was more than a simple question and they both knew it.

Emilio stared down at their hands for a long minute before glancing up into eyes that looked more awake and aware than Emilio had seen before.

And Emilio had seen a lot.

“Yes.”

Chapter Text

Video calling Dr. Cho was totally not the same as visiting her. It was effective, sure, but it didn’t give the proper feel that Joseph both hated and enjoyed. Regardless, he went to his weekly ‘visit,’ explained that he was sorry for not completing enough paintings, felt ashamed, and ‘went home.’

Now here he sat.

Blotting some blue with a little black onto his page, Joseph stared down as he curled his lip. He wasn’t too sure what color shame was but maybe this wasn’t it.

Oh well.

He watched in surprise as another black blotch dotted his paper, followed by another smaller one, and then another. Joseph wasn’t the type to fill his brush with- “Fuck,” he whispered, another drop landing while very suspiciously coming from his nose.

Who made the rules anyways? Who said he had to dream? All this bullshit was so utterly arbitrary and, yes, he’d read and watched enough fantasy in his life to know there are always rules but still.

Fuck that.

Sighing as he dropped his brush on his ruined artwork, Joseph dragged himself to his bathroom and hoped he’d have a chance to clean a little before he either fainted or something worse. He never wanted to be a stupid ass dreamer in the first place. What type of genetics played in all of this crap? His parents, it seemed but still. This was all fantasy bullshit and he was pissed and now dripping and life was just not fair.

Washing up in the sink as quick as he could before shoving some tissues up his nose and wondering if it’d be overboard to shove some in his ears, Joseph grabbed the edge of the counter as he swayed. He wasn’t sure when exactly he’d gotten a third hand but he was positive this was a sign to at least get his ass to the carpet before he busted his head open on the bathroom tile. His parents had enough shit to worry about, not adding a concussion and stitches to the list.

Or at least, he hoped not.

Deciding that he was just going to lie here in this pile of leaves and die, Joseph stared up the trees as they turned for the season. Another leaf came spiraling down to say hello. It wasn’t until the leaf landed on his stomach that Joseph took a minute to realize what he’d just said.

Thought.

Whatever.

“Why are the trees changing?” he muttered, holding the leaf up over his head, squinting at it as if it might give him an answer. He’d been in the forest for more than half his life at this point. Not once had it ever changed seasons.

Admittedly, he may not like the forest, but Joseph was concerned. Just a bit.

This was totally not normal.

With a decided huff, Joseph sat up, stuffing the leaf in his pocket. The faster he got this dreaming business over with, the faster he got to leave. Maybe if he just did like five minutes every couple days, the forest would leave him alone. Like, he did his time and moved on. If Joseph could live his life without dreaming anymore, he was totally game.

Totally.

“Prádyádo,” Joseph called as he walked, peeking between the changing trees.  They weren’t even pretty; it was like turning to fall while being sick and Joseph didn’t know much about trees but he knew that this wasn’t right. Him and Diana had seen that oozing tree once and she said it was like sickness so maybe…this was all like a sickness?

Maybe. He had to find his expert.

“Atanas?” he called, just a little louder and yet, just a little more embarrassed. He was so not this man’s age to be calling him by name. Joseph may still have some shame and manners yet. “Grandpap?”

Saying grandpap was disturbing on levels he didn’t like at all.

There was a clicking noise to his left. Joseph took in a shuddering breath and didn’t look because looking meant knowing and he really really couldn’t have this turn into a nightmare right now. Not only would his mental health not survive but he didn’t want his guys to finally know what he sounds like screaming in terror. Mystery was best for relationships.

The clicking became an insistent hissing so Joseph walked faster, his breathing getting a little more erratic. His heart clogged his throat when there was a crash through the underbrush and he screamed when whatever it was slammed into his back, toppling him to the dirt below.

Of all the times for no leaves.

He thrashed sideways to toss off God knew what and rolled away, his back screaming in protest as he straightened to a crouch, coming face to face with the newest of his demons.

A vulture like creature stared back at him, it’s head continuously cocking left and right, almost mechanically. It’s beak was short and when it opened it to chitter at him, Joseph saw lines and lines of teeth.

Lines and lines.

“Oh fuck me,” he whispered at he stared back, realizing that what he’d thought were eyes totally weren’t. Instead, he had empty eye sockets focused on him and he wasn’t really sure how that was possible in the first place. “Prádyádo, now would be a fantastic time to show up.”

Please.

The short chittering vulture took a step forward causing Joseph to take his own step back. It let out a louder clicking noise, almost like it was annoyed by him. “Look, buddy, I don’t taste good. I promise. I’m just sinew and bone.” He gestured at his bony ass body, “Does it look like there’s any fat here?”

All he wanted to do was close his eyes and wake up. Now.

The bird thing dipped its head low, eyeless sockets still focused on him. It continued it’s clicking noises, head cocking side to side before it opened its wide maw and screamed.

And so did he.

His eyes flew open to the ceiling of his bathroom, his whole body in pain.

Joseph screamed.

The vulture chittered at him before it screamed back from where it sat on his chest, long talons just threatening to break through his shirt and skin. He distantly heard his parents’ voices and maybe his friends but they were the last thing on his mind when a very carnivorous looking bird was screaming at him.

Shit.

“Don’t come in!” Joseph shouted, finding strength he hadn’t had a second ago as he flew to his feet, sending the bird into his shower wall and rushing to slam the bathroom door shut. If this thing was going to eat someone, he’d make sure it was him. His throat burned and ached, his screaming in the nightmare more real than anything else happening right now.

Screaming a horrifying shriek, the bird bared its teeth before flying forward at him. Joseph ducked barely with a second to spare, the creature slamming into the bathroom door with a pained chitter. If he survived this, his body was going to hate him in a few hours as it protested his rolling before he jumped up to his feet. There were voices outside the bathroom but the rush of blood in his ears was ten times louder as he watched the creature recalculating him as if he was a puzzle it hadn’t expected.

It rushed him in the small bathroom, flying up to go for his face as it screamed again.

Blind was better than dead, right?

“Joseph, down!”

Nothing registered in that minute except the tone of his father’s voice that always meant listen no matter what.

So he listened.

Two soft clicks sounded, noises that he was sure he’d heard before, as he huddled on the floor of his bathroom, head hidden under his bony arms. A heavy thud landed beside him, rough feathers just barely brushing against his bare legs.

He wished was wearing pants instead of shorts.

Soft feet stepped into the bathroom, little scuffs on the tile coming closer before a shadow loomed over him and the creature. The soft faded smell of his father’s cologne was the best thing he’d ever smelled in his life right now. Joseph peaked through his arms and the dead thing beside him, his father nudging it with his toes. “What the hell is this thing?”

Joseph had no clue but it seemed dream demons bled just like real life birds.

Carefully unraveling himself, Joseph leaned back against the wall and stared at the dead bird before lifting his eyes to the gun in his father’s hand. Joseph had caused Lord Kavinsky to use a gun in his own home and he was sure he’d just broke a sacred rule of his father’s. Silencer or not, the man didn’t like his gun being viewed not to be used.

But then…hadn’t Joseph already broken that rule when he’d shot him?

Eyes catching the totally freaked out ones of his friends and mother who all crammed themselves at the bathroom doorway, Joseph smiled weakly and gave a wave. “Hi.”

He couldn’t even imagine how bad he looked right now. There was black goop smeared all over him and spots of blood that he hoped were injuries that hadn’t touched any of his burns. Joseph wasn’t working hard on healing them perfectly for some stupid nightmare bird to fuck it up.

Kicking the dead bird again, his father bent down and set the gun on the floor before rolling the bird face up. “Never seen a bird with teeth.”

Joseph was tempted to start spouting animal facts but he was way too tired for that shit right now. “You haven’t met dream creatures, buddy.”

“I met Diana.”

Touché.

“So,” his father started after a deep breath, his eyes still watching the vulture, “does it have a name?”

Maybe it was the stress but Joseph burst into a hysterical giggle because this whole situation was just fucked. There were a lot of pairs of concerned eyes staring at him as he sat there, giggling into his hands. He was pretty sure he was on the verge of tears but he wasn’t going to focus on that.

“Alright, no name then. I’ll go get a box from the garage and, Vesela, you grab the hysterical child.”

There were more words after that but he didn’t bother paying attention. He just sat there as people spoke and moved around him until a careful hand clasped his shoulder. “Hey,” his mother whispered, Joseph now silent but keeping his face hidden in his hands, “let me get you cleaned up. Up on your feet, sweetheart. Come on.”

Joseph opened his fingers and stared at his mother who was crouched beside him. The bird and everyone else had disappeared. “I just had a bird try to eat me. In reality.”

“Yeah, you did.”

He was dangerous if dangerous things were going to start popping from his head. What if someone had gotten hurt today? Joseph couldn’t rely on his father showing up with a gun and silencer every time something went wrong.

Still peaking through his fingers at his lovely mother, Joseph added with a whisper “It had teeth. And no eyes. And it tried to eat me. Eat me. In real. Life.”

Oh dear God, Joseph was such a mess.

Giving a little hum, his mother tapped his shoulder with a chipped nail. “Let’s talk dead birds after I clean you up.”

A decent plan since it wasn’t like Joseph was going to suddenly solve all his problems this second. Never had and probably never will. Nothing new for him. “Yeah, sure,” he said with a sigh, letting his mother help him to his feet. “No reason to think with a fucked body and empty stomach.”

Linking her arm in his, she gave him a small smile. “Exactly.”

Joseph could read the worry in her smile, but he said nothing of it. Let her have this moment. If he was going to be having more nightmares in the days to come, he at least wanted his mother to smile when she could. Even if she wasn’t the one actively having them, he knew that she’d be feeling them just as bad as he would.

“What do you think tatko will do with the bird?”

They both paused at the same time, sharing a look at exactly the same moment that it’d almost be comical in any other situation.

“I mean, your husband.”

He felt stupid making that distinction and yet he’d made sure to make it anyways.

Clearing her throat and dragging him to her bathroom, she snorted “Probably beat the box a few times with a bat before tossing it in the trash. Make sure dream things can’t wake up from bullets and all.”

Yeah.

That was a good plan.

Chapter Text

Joseph waited for the storm to break at the dinner table but since it seemed like no one was going to bother…

Neither was he.

No one ever said he didn’t mind leaving sleeping dogs where they lie.

Stabbing a meatball with more force than really necessary, Joseph swirled it around in his spaghetti sauce, the image of black ooze dripping down on his painting flashing in front of him. This was becoming a problem; it hadn’t been before because Joseph would pop into his forest often. Even before being a junkie, he’d stop in.

But he’d been healthier then.

Stopping in now seemed like a damn death sentence. Not even just for him, but whoever was around him too. What if he took something dangerous out again? Those talon holes in his back were no damn joke.

“Alright, so, like…” Jiang finally began after taking a deep breath and glancing around the table, trying to find his support, “are we not gonna talk about the shit we saw or…”

He’d personally prefer that they didn’t but he was surprised they’d lasted this long without saying anything at all. “No.” Joseph paused and considered the negative in Jiang’s sentence. “Yes?”

“So we’re not not gonna talk about it?” Raising his eyes from his tortured meatball, Joseph glared at the asshole sitting across from him. Jiang just nodded and nudged Skov beside him. “Ask him.”

Skov didn’t seem happy with the idea but that also didn’t stop him from opening his stupid mouth. “So…what was the bird thing?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why was it trying to eat you?”

“I don’t know,” Joseph repeated, trying not to grit his teeth. He had a dentist appointment it seemed, that his mother had made behind his back. Gritting his teeth was a big no-no.

“Okay, but-”

“I don’t know, I said!” Joseph snapped, slamming his fork on the table and throwing his hands up into the air with force and strength he didn’t even know his tired body had. “I don’t fucking know!”

Story of his damn fucking life.

Before he’d even registered his action, he stood abruptly and grabbed his glass of juice, flinging it against the wall across from him, sending it flying right above Skov’s blonde little head. “Fuck this FUCKING BULLSHIT!”

“Oh-kay,” his mother said, on her feet in seconds just as he grabbed his plate, ready to send it behind the cup. Her hand was on his before he had the chance, her entire body suddenly having teleported from across the table to him in a matter of milliseconds. “Let’s not-”

“Don’t touch!” he snapped, jerking himself back and away from her. His body was buzzing in all the wrong ways and his head was screaming and he was tired. Physically, mentally, all of it. Everything was always so wrong and it wasn’t fair and nothing ever goddamn worked.

He hated living and now with an actual brush with death from some crazy ass bird, he was too afraid of dying. Or maybe just dying like that but either way it scared him. Living scared him, dying scared him, and he was just a fucking mess at this point. Road to recovery his ass.

“How about,” his mother began softly, inching ever so closer but being sure not to lay even a fingertip on him, “you and me take a minute to sit outside?”

What he wanted was to go to his room and shut the world out but he was afraid to even do that too. What if he fell asleep? What if he brought back more violent creatures? What if-

“Joseph.”

His musings paused, his eyes flicking to his father’s who hadn’t said a word until now. Who hadn’t even moved and still hadn’t. He sat there, all poise and watchful eyes. Joseph wasn’t sure if the man was too afraid to or what but typically breaking things was not okay. Especially not over dinner.

But he hadn’t moved an inch.

“How about we go sit by the Hudson?”

By the Hudson. Something they hadn’t done since he was child. Something that he’d told Dr. Cho he loved doing and here was the opportunity presenting itself in the evening, when he hadn’t been allowed to go alone when he was younger. It was not so much sitting ‘by’ the Hudson as it was sitting in the plush grass as close as you can get to the edge of the river. There was of course bridges and sidewalks much closer but no one wanted to sit on that dirty crap.

Although the grass could be just as dirty really. It was just softer.

“What do you say?”

After Joseph had watched the Lord of the Rings with his father, his father would always ask ‘what say you,’ leaving Joseph happier than he’d been before the question.

He was almost offended he hadn’t said it now.

“Okay.”

Fifteen quiet minutes later as he sat in the possibly dirty grass, Joseph finally broke his silence since he had agreed to come. “I hate this.”

“This being the dirty ass grass we all know we’re sitting on,” his father asked, seated comfortably beside him, his bad leg stretched out as he massaged his knee, “or the still stuffy weather?”

Neither though Joseph could totally hate on the weather right now. Besides for walking to Maximillian’s and Emilio’s, this was Joseph’s first true foray into the Jersey world. His eyes tracked a little girl stumbling along on unsteady feet in excitement, her mother trailing after her. “I hate that I have temper tantrums every time my brain doesn’t cooperate with me.”

Which was like, all the time.

His father hummed, his fingers tapping along to an unheard rhythm on his knee. Joseph curled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, his chin atop. His body protested only a little, all the pain it’d been through a now dull ache as he watched his father mull over something. Finally, he said “I used to have a lot of temper tantrums.”

“How exciting,” Joseph couldn’t help but deadpan. His father rarely talked about his childhood, only ever bringing up small memories here and there. It was an opportunity but Joseph’s head was too tired to accept it. “Like father, like son, huh?”

“Not quite. You were never an angry child, you just get frustrated. There’s a difference.” With a soft sigh, he crossed his legs and let his gaze wander out to the river. They weren’t what anyone would call close being that there was more grass and a sidewalk until the fence’s edge, but Joseph was sure he’d read the science of how water balances negative pH or whatever. They were close enough to feel it, he was sure. “I was angry. About everything. Even up until I married, I was just an angry person. Anything and everything set me off.”

Joseph watched his father’s face, trying to gage just how much leeway he could get in this heart-to-heart they were apparently having. He went nearly cross-eyed as a bug flew way too close to his big ass nose as he snorted “Dude, your father used to beat the crap out of you, you watched his head explode, your family tried to murder you, and you ended up poor on the streets in a strange country. I’m pretty sure that leaves behind a lot of issues to unpack.”

There was a purse of lips, but they were tilted into a smile like his father couldn’t decide if he was offended or not. Finally, he let out a small laugh and shook his head. “Dude, don’t ever call me dude again.”

“Noted, bro.”

Little tilt growing into a full smile, his father rolled his eyes and leaned back on his hands, staring out at the New York skyline across from them. “Maybe it was frustration too. Frustrated that my life was complete shit, frustrated because more often than not I’d get smacked without even knowing why, frustrated because I didn’t understand what was wrong with my head. Frustration leads to anger eventually anyways.”

It was one of those natural pauses that Joseph knew was meant for his father to decide how much to say rather than for Joseph to speak. He waited patiently, listening to the soft hum of a voice here and there as someone passed by and the quiet lull of the water moving only yards away. Even his head was slowing shutting down, the angry sirens that plagued him now white noise, nothing but the soft fluff of quiet up there.

Joseph couldn’t help but wonder if story time had been his father’s grand plan from the beginning.

“When I’d get angry,” his father continued softly, lost in whatever memory was going on up in that head, “my father would think it was funny. But then I’d get trouble for it anyways. My mother would try to calm me down and I was sure some days she wished she could figure out what to do with me. When we were kids, Lazar would try and restrain me as best he could so I would stop trying to break my hands on everything if he couldn’t find my mother.” He tilted his head and stared up at the sky, though with all of the lights, there really wasn’t much to see. “Timotei would get angry back until he realized it wasn’t him I was angry at particularly, it was everything. Then he’d try calming me down with words. Yulian would ignore me until I’d screamed myself out and your mayko would take a little bit of tactics from them and see what worked best that day.”

He’d only ever seen flashes of his father’s true anger. By the time Joseph had been born or maybe just aware as a child, his father was known for his quiet anger. One look and a person just knew. Really, Joseph had probably only heard his father yell maybe twice. It was hard to believe that those terrifying glimpses of fury were nothing to how he used to be. “So which one worked best?”

A small laugh popped the little bubble his father had been in as he turned away from the sky and looked at Joseph. “None. It didn’t matter what everyone tried or that the method worked for that moment. I wasn’t going to learn, I wasn’t going to get a handle on myself without me being the one doing the helping. My anger, my frustration, those were on me. No one was going to help me get better if I wasn’t helping me get better. If I wasn’t willing to get better, then it didn’t matter what anyone was trying. I had to be willing to help myself.”

Sudden awareness hit him as he understood the true reason for this story time. Watching a man walk his little terrier, Joseph whispered “But I don’t know how to help myself.”

“But do you want to?”

Yes.

If he was living, he wanted to live. He wanted to have a life and go to school and fall in love. He wanted to function without having a meltdown every few days without even understanding why.

“If you do, then you need to let us help. We can’t help if you won’t let us and any help we do give is irrelevant if you’re not willing to accept it or to help yourself.”

Joseph nodded his understanding, unable to form words out of his quivering lips as he held back his tears.

“So what say you?”

His carefully restrained tears and snot burst forth as he laughed, such a simple memory enough to maybe save this horribly shitty ass day. Joseph wiped his face with the hem of his shirt, earning him a soft ‘gross’ from his father before turning and meeting those powerful eyes. Eyes that took Joseph years of his childhood before ever gaining the courage to peek at them. “Aragorn said it with a lot more oomf, you know.”

Rolling his eyes as he sat there spinning around his wedding ring, his father snorted “Pretty sure we’ll have the cops called on us if I went all out. Two strange men, one covered in tattoos, yelling in the middle of Stevens Park. That’ll be the story and then it’ll turn into ‘mob boss finally arrested by police.’”

“Hey, O’Brian’s dreams will finally come true. Everyone has to have something to look forward to.”

Nodding, his father pulled up his knees and rested his head on them, mimicking Joseph in a way that somehow made the man look younger than he was. “What do you look forward to?”

Sighing, Joseph shut his eyes and broke the eye contact that was too powerful to continue to hold. What did he look forward to? Right now…nothing much, maybe his bed tonight, even if he couldn’t sleep. His back hurt and he was just bone deep tired.

But what did he really look forward to? What was it that made him want to look to the future? At this point in his life, he wasn’t too sure because it was only recently that he decided that he was going to try and live. “I don’t know,” he finally murmured, eyes still closed but somehow just knowing that his father was watching his every minute reaction. “Maybe nothing.”

Maybe something.

Maybe everything.

A careful hand every so gently ran fingers through his short hair. It almost disturbed Joseph how nice it felt but then he realized that it’d been so long that he had his father to comfort him and maybe that was what his brain wasn’t understanding. It wanted touch, he wanted touch, and at this moment, those gentle fingers were the best thing he’d ever felt.

“When I got to this country,” his father began softly, fingers still running at a slow pace through Joseph’s hair, “when I couldn’t get a job or speak or be understood or even figure out how to feed myself and my mother, I would sit and wonder what my future was going to be. I wondered a lot if today would finally be the day that I starved or if I was going to end up in some fatal mugging with some jackass robbing me of my pennies. I wasn’t living for me because I didn’t care what happened to me at that point. I was living for your baba. Because I was all she had left and she needed me. It took a while but eventually, I wanted to live for me too.”

Joseph wasn’t too sure if he wanted to live for himself but he knew he wanted to live for his parents. For his mother especially who had been through every single trial with him. Opening his eyes, he watched his father carefully, mirroring the way he was looking at Joseph. “How do I figure out how to live for myself?”

“You start by just looking forward. You wake up and you think about your day. You think about your breakfast. You accomplish it. You think about a shower. You accomplish that. You finish your day by taking one task at a time. One after the other after the other. You compliment yourself on finishing that day and the many things that you accomplished.”

It sounded like a plan, sure, but… “All those things sound so ridiculously mundane.”

The soft expression on his father’s face disappeared as it was overtaken by a scrunch of confusion. Nose scrunched as he thought, his father finally asked “Mundane?”

“Banalno,” Joseph translated, trying not to laugh at his father’s annoyed look at being helped. Even after all these years, there were words that his father didn’t know or know for sure because they weren’t often used in everyday language. Joseph doubted the mob men around his father were busy using the word ‘mundane’ in conversation. Not to mention the fact that most spoke Bulgarian anyways when they were around each other. “Like trivial-”

“Simple,” his father interrupted, still wearing that annoyed look of a petulant child who didn’t know the answer to the teacher’s question. “Next time, just say ‘simple.’ Why the fuck are there so many damn same words for each other?”

“Synonyms,” Joseph practically whispered, trying not to laugh. Laughing would not help his father’s bruised ego right now. “Equivalent.”

Seeing the casually pissed off look on his father’s face was totally worth all the stress tonight.

Totally.

“All I’m saying is-”

“Start small,” Joseph interrupted, nodding as he stared out at the few people left deciding for a night walk, “Look forward. Planck by planck.”

Chapter Text

Planck by Planck was small, tiny, and so very miniscule, but for the time being, it was a measurement Joseph was okay with.

He’d gotten home, he’d ignored everyone, he’d brushed his teeth, said goodnight, and laid in his bed. Joseph had already accomplished all that just in a couple hours.

Not too bad.

Sleep wasn’t found as he laid in his bed, staring up at his ceiling. Even if it was around the corner for him to grasp, he was too afraid to. How did he know that the forest was going to drag him back for round two? Maybe because it had turned into a nightmare, it didn’t count towards his visit quota.

With a sigh and a careful roll to his feet, Joseph grabbed the throw blanket that was tossed on the floor and his pillow. He’d been sleeping okay lately without issue, mostly, so maybe he was just psyching himself out. Maybe he was totally overthinking all this.

Or maybe not.

But whatever, whether he was or wasn’t, there was always one place where he could usually find sleep, despite his worst nights. Ever so carefully treading down the hall with blanket and pillow in hand, Joseph peeked through the crack of his parents’ door, their sleeping forms rising and falling in time with one another. In Henrietta, they hadn’t shared a bed and Joseph found that he really liked this new development. It gave his heart peace, like they were returning to what they used to be. Even if it was only a façade for now.

Quietly removing the throw pillows off the old loveseat to the floor, Joseph set his own down and then himself, flooshing the blanket over his body. It was too short but it wasn’t like anyone needed a blanket in this weather. It was just a matter of covering himself.

Sleep was a fleeting thing but rest came in all forms. Right now, his came in the form of knowing there was nowhere safer but right here, the dark nothing more than a figment of his imagination. Faster than he ever expected, his eyes grew heavy and he went to sleep.

When he awoke the next morning, he was met with an empty bed before him, already made, looking as pristine as ever. Joseph yawned and decided to take advantage of the quiet in his head and the peace in the room around him, shutting his eyes once more. Just a little more rest would be perfect.

Perfect.

“Yeah, fucking perfect,” he snapped as he sat up in another pile of leaves which he was pretty sure was different than his last pile of leaves, only because he remembered a different type of bush before him. Grumbling under his breath as he got to his feet, Joseph glanced around the sickly forest and sighed.

He walked.

Softly to himself, mostly because he was afraid to make too much noise, Joseph hummed as he walked, his eyes watching every step he took. He didn’t want to look around in fear that it’ll end up making something come out and that was definitely the last thing he needed right now. The forest wanted him here? Fine. But all he was doing was walking. That was it. He refused to take any part in this stupid dream. Maybe that was the way to handle it. Just be a total brat about it.

Yeah.

Totally.

“Good morning!”

Nearly leaping out of his skin with his heart in his throat, Joseph turned to the sound of Atanas’ voice, giving the best glare he had. Which was to say good because he was a damn Kavinsky, thank you. “Good morning? Are you fucking kidding me?”

His great-grandfather was looking as dandy as ever. Crisp button up shirt that was tucked into crisp jeans and with his stupid sharp looking hair. Joseph hated that this old fart looked better than he did.

“Isn’t that a tad immature?” his prádyado snorted as he walked up to Joseph, watching him with a careful examining eye. “You’re looking a little worse for wear. You should be looking better, not worse.”

Oh fuck that. “Maybe,” Joseph snapped, pointing the dangerous Kavinsky finger in this old guy’s face, “I would look better if this stupid fucking forest would stop trying to kill me! Did you think of that!”

“The forest-”

“Is me, it, they, whatever!” Joseph glanced around them, the clearing surrounding them with dying trees and bushes, leaves littered all over the dirt floor. He could feel the hysterics sitting at the top of his throat, waiting for the right second to burst free. “I mean- this is just…” he shook his head as his gaze rested back on his prádyado, wishing that there was some magical way to just make everything stop. “I don’t want this! I don’t want to be a dreamer or whatever! I’m sick and tired of all of the stress and pain it's caused.” He scrubbed his eyes, praying he didn’t start crying like an idiot, “I’m tired.”

There was a calm silence for a tense moment before his great-grandfather said “Take my hand, Joseph.”

“What?”

A warm hand took his cold dry one, its weight somehow relaxing his strained heart. Joseph stared down at their intertwined hands before sighing and giving in. If Atanas could keep this peaceful, Joseph would agree to anything right now. “Now what?”

With a smile that was slightly concerning, Atanas replied “Now I help you. With everything.”

That didn’t sound ominous at all. Not one bit.

“I’m going to help you get your life together,” Atanas continued as if this was all making perfect sense. With his free hand, he straightened his collar and added “That will help with this and then I’m going to teach you everything.”

Yup, still sounded totally sketchy.

“Wake up, Joseph.”

If only it were that simple to just-

– wake up.

Joseph blinked, understanding fully that he was in his parents’ room but totally not comprehending how or why Atanas’ face was still in front of him. “What the hell did you just make me do?” Joseph whispered, the panic attack constantly sitting at the back of his heart coming forward in little leaps. “What did we just do?”

His great-grandfather grinned, like honest to God grinned, as he stood from his crouched position and glanced around the room. “We challenged the fabric of reality, of course.”

Of course.

Yeah, totally made sense.

Trying to keep both his anger and panic at bay, Joseph got to his feet and whispered as angrily as he could “Are you out of your goddamn mind! You’re supposed to be dead! No mind that you definitely do not even look your proper age!”

“Do my looks matter?” his prádyado snorted, suddenly in front of the dresser filled with their photographs. The man moved as silently as he did in dreams. It was like he didn’t even exist.

Not that he was even supposed to be existing right now.

Fuck his life.

“Look at them,” his prádyado said softly, almost a type of wonder in his voice, “look at my dear girls all grown.” He picks up one of the frames, Joseph practically biting his tongue not to yell at him for touching, “Timotei is how old here?” Turning to Joseph with nostalgia written all over his face, he asked “How old was he when he passed?”

Joseph walked over and yanked the frame back, settling it exactly as it had been. “Murdered, not passed, and he was sixty-eight.” Pointing the almighty finger at him, Joseph snapped “No touching.”

Atanas grabbed another photo like Joseph hadn’t said anything. Joseph probably was a pipsqueak compared to this dude anyways. Who knew what magical voodoo shit he could do? He’d totally just come to life again. “Murdered?” He shook his head with a soft sigh, “I told him it was all dangerous business. I told him.”

“I’m sure you did,” Joseph replied, treading the fine line of disrespect at this point as he took back that photo too. “I said no touching.”

His prádyado said nothing as he gazed at the photographs for a few moments longer before he turned to Joseph and gave him another one of those creepy grins. Like his plans were working perfectly. And at this point, weren’t they? Who knew how long he’d been wanting out of the forest. Joseph just didn’t understand how he’d done it without Joseph actually doing the dreaming work. He’d been dreaming for years but he sure as hell couldn’t just take people out like it was nothing. Without even a conceptualized thought. This was all Atanas and he knew it.

Joseph had totally been used. Or at the very least, coerced.

Casting a quick glance at the clock on the wall, Joseph cursed. Any minute now, his mother would come wake him for breakfast. He had an older man to explain that he totally couldn’t explain. Well, he could but it would require such hardcore convincing…

Goddammit.

“Okay, listen,” Joseph began, making sure Atanas was giving him his full attention. “You do understand that this is totally whack, right?”

“Whack isn’t the word-”

The door suddenly opened as his mother walked in, Joseph’s heart halting in his chest. “Joseph, you want-” she froze as she stared at Joseph and Atanas, Joseph’s finger still kinda sorta in the older man’s face. “What…the fuck…”

Joseph had a feeling that Atanas looked exactly the age his mother remembered him at. The man was too proud to bring his life force or whatever the fuck he was back at an age where he wouldn’t be doing much moving.

“What the fuck is a great place to start,” Joseph replied, deciding he was so done with Atanas right now. If there was breakfast downstairs, then that was going to be where his focus was. His father had said make tiny goals and accomplish them. Breakfast was going to be the first. Atanas was so not his problem. For the moment, at least. Breakfast and his hungry stomach, that was the first goal of the day and that was how he was keeping it. “He’s your problem now.”

It wasn’t really fair because Atanas was totally solely Joseph’s problem but he had no problem running from his problems. He was quite good at it actually.

Making his way downstairs to the soft voices carrying out from the table, Joseph stopped halfway down and cursed, dragging himself back up. As if he could just leave his mother with goddamn Atanas. Goddamn that stupid man.

"Welcome back," Atanas said with a wide smile as Joseph peeked through the doorway at the two adults standing there, looking cheerier than Joseph had ever seen him. And why wouldn’t he? He’d just been dragged out of sickly dream land. He was probably feeling like he was in damn high heaven. “Done running away?”

He’d cursed this man out before but trying to get his tongue to cooperate while his mother stood there staring was absolutely impossible. Deciding to settle for the petulant child look, Joseph crossed his arms and grumbled “Screw you.”

“Well that was hardly using your usual vigor.” Joseph opened his mouth to give some vigor but Atanas waved him off like it was all child’s play. Turning back to Joseph’s mother, he gave her that winning grin that Joseph was just now realizing meant bad news and continued on with whatever it was they had been talking about in the one minute he’d been gone. “So what say you, dear Vesela?”

Joseph nearly bit his tongue off, just barely stopping himself from cursing out the bastard for using special words from his head. He probably had never even heard of Lord of the Rings, not for him to dare use a sacred joke between Joseph and his father.

Tossing him a quick confused glance, his mother replied “I mean…I don’t really see why not.”

“Why not what?” Joseph asked, totally disliking that shit eating grin on Atanas’ face. After this bullshit, the man was never being called prádyado again. Just he wait until he tasted the full wrath of Joseph’s disrespect, this goddamn bastard.

The confusion on his mother’s face was laced in her words, each syllable coming out slower than the last. “He wants to stay here until we figure out…everything.”

“Oh does he?”

“Dear Joseph,” Atanas laughed as he walked over and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, “I promised you I’d help, didn’t I?”

He had no idea why but something felt totally dangerous in all of this. There was a bad omen here that he wasn’t grasping. If not bad, then totally concerning at the very least.

Very concerning. Atanas knew something that Joseph didn’t. Or wanted something that Joseph didn’t know about. Or something. There was a plan here that he was yet to detect. “We’re not talking as of now, thank you,” Joseph muttered as he shoved off that annoying arm and made his way out of the room. “You were just using me and we both know it.”

“I never said you weren’t intelligent,” Atanas called behind him, the humor never ending in his voice.

“Go fuck yourself,” Joseph snapped back, making his way back to the stairs and down them with a lot more angry pep than he’d had earlier. “Fuck that fucking stupid fucking piece of manipulating shit.”

“That sounds more like you!”

His friends were sitting at the dining table, watching him angrily make his way to the kitchen to grab a plate and utensils before dragging his ass back to the table and throwing himself down. Taking a deep breath in the silence, Joseph cleared his throat and stretched his plate out to where Skov was hogging the plate of pancakes. “Two, please.”

Jiang folded a half a pancake into a quarter and shoved it into his mouth as Skov ever so nicely set out two pancakes on Joseph’s plate. The chewing asshole waited until Joseph put syrup and asked “Only two? Dude, that’s like a snack to me.”

“I hear enough about my eating habits in life,” Joseph snapped, his fork hitting too hard against the plate. “Please shut the fuck up so I can attempt to eat in peace.”

“Alright,” Prokopenko said from across the table, his plate now matching his empty cup. “No talk about eating habits then. Who were you cursing at? Not your mom, no way. Also, I watched your dad leave and even told him to have a nice day and that sounded like a dude’s voice upstairs so…”

Joseph swore to God that he hated everyone. He really truly did. “It’s the fucked up old man who lived in my head,” he finally answered, shoving a forkful of pancake into his mouth. He would enjoy his breakfast if it killed him, so help him God. “Now he is out of my head.”

“Okay.”

Sometimes he couldn’t help but wish he’d just let Prokopenko die instead of dealing with this half-baked forgery. Just sometimes.

“The hell it’s okay,” Swan snorted, squeezing an extra dallop of syrup onto his already extremely syrupy pancakes. It was like soup at this point. Joseph got cavities just watching him eat them. “You joking about shit or are you being serious?”

Fuck the pancakes. Actually, no fuck these assholes because why should he have to give up his pancakes because he didn’t want to deal with them? Grabbing his plate, Joseph abruptly stood, his chair screeching against the tile. Ignoring the questions and stares, Joseph and his meager breakfast began walking to the family room only to stop. He wasn’t allowed to lock doors anymore and even closed ones were barely tolerated. It wasn’t enough that he was dealing with everything else but now he’d lost his privacy too. With a deep sigh, joseph dragged himself to the front door, going out and shutting it behind him, before taking a seat on the stoop.

Fuck those stupid concerned bastards. And Atanas. And whoever else needed to be included in this list.

Yeah, fuck them.

He was totally mature if no one could tell.

Chapter Text

Joseph stared out at the street he’d grown up on as he took meager bites of his pancakes, wishing he’d remembered to at least bring some milk with him. It’d be pretty embarrassing that after all that had happened in his life, from kidnapping to fire dragons, Joseph would die of asphyxiation by pancake. At the very least, he supposed, it would give his family something to laugh about. It was easier to talk about your son who accidently died by pancake than it was to talk about the one who killed himself.

As he sat there and attempted to live up to the saying of stuffing his face, a blue Impala drove up the street, Joseph watching as his brain tried to put two and two together. Granted it was working a little slower than usual because of his mishap, yes, he was calling Atanas a mishap, but he was pretty sure he knew that car. When the owner parked and stepped out, Joseph found himself smiling despite his epically long morning.

“Miss me that much that you come first thing in the morning to see me?” Joseph asked as his guest walked up the steps to take a seat beside him. “How flattering.”

Mr. Vidal snorted, his eyes doing an insane eyeroll. “Don’t flatter yourself too much, niño. My mornings start at six in the goddamn morning and it is,” he made a show of checking his watch, “a quarter past ten.” He gave a big grin, the one Joseph remembered and loved for the sheer happiness contained in that one act, “That’s hardly first thing in the morning, don’t you think?”

He took a minute to really look at his friend’s father and at the same time, his father’s friend. Or maybe former friend. Joseph wasn’t really sure which way that cookie had gone and crumbled. Or shriveled. More likely shattered, knowing the two of them. Joseph knew his father well and well, he liked to think he knew Mr. Vidal well too. Those two wouldn’t have left but the barest crumbs between them.

Raul Vidal had visibly aged but not by much. Some crow’s feet as most did at that point and some grays streaking through his gelled back hair but hardly in an unsightly way. He was as handsome as ever. It was almost unfair how this man only seemed to grow even better with age. With all the shit Joseph had put his body through, he was going to be lucky if he even looked good at twenty and that was only a little less than two years away.

“Did you ever want a beard?” Joseph couldn’t help but ask. Someone like Mr. Vidal practically screamed sexy DILF if he had a beard. He screamed it now regardless. And no, Joseph was so not thinking of this father-figure of his life in that way.

At all.

Rubbing at his jawline for a second, Mr. Vidal eventually settled for a shrug. “Kind of? Detectives are supposed to be clean shaven besides for religious stuff. But hey, if they ever lax the rules, I’d probably give it a good shot.” Examining every inch of Joseph’s face ever so carefully, Mr. Vidal said softly “I don’t think you understand just how happy I am to see you, you know. Putting eyes on you is probably the best thing that’s happened in the past month.”

“Must’ve been a shitty month,” Joseph snorted, glancing back out at the street. Mr. Vidal wasn’t a detective for nothing; the man’s eyes would make Joseph confess any goddamn day. “I’m not exactly the most sightly sight, you know.”

Mr. Vidal just laughed, his gaze following Joseph’s to watch his across the street neighbor come out of their home. As far as Joseph knew, the only original neighbor left was three doors down. She wasn’t quite ‘original’ as much as she was the teenage daughter to the happy couple who had lived there who now lived there with her own young children and husband. Joseph remembered her being a total goth when he was little and now he couldn’t help but wonder how much she’d changed.

But then, he’d sure changed a lot too since then.

“Maybe not, but in theory, you definitely are.” Joseph settled for a soft snort as Mr. Vidal’s hand came into view and snagged himself a piece of pancake. “So what’s the plan?”

Joseph turned to stare at the man enjoying his breakfast. “Plan?” Outside of not dying and avoiding Atanas, Joseph wasn’t too sure that he needed bigger plans. He was supposed to be doing this Planck by Planck and no faster or else he’d end up stressing himself out.

Big time.

“No plan,” Joseph answered, his eyes scanning the other man’s, waiting to see the reaction. He wasn’t too sure that he’d catch one with Mr. Vidal being a trained detective and all but it was worth the shot. “Right now, it’s pretty much don’t kill myself and we go from there.”

And don’t kill Atanas but that was a separate issue.

“Good solid plan,” Mr. Vidal said, not even an ounce of sarcasm in his voice. Joseph didn’t realize that he’d been ready to defend himself until he didn’t need to. “How are things with your father being around?”

Joseph snorted and rolled his eyes. The amount of people who thought that question and all of its derivatives appropriate were ridiculous. Yes, Joseph and his father obviously had issues and, obviously, things had gone horribly wrong in so many ways. But that didn’t matter to him. They were working on it and all of those horrible moments of homesickness and helplessness were gone. He was taking life a step at a time and whether any of these people liked it or not, Joseph both needed and wanted his father through it all. “Mr. Vidal,” Joseph couldn’t help but drawl with a bored tone, “do you think that if I was uncomfortable with him here, I’d bother to come back?”

“Yes.”

Well…he wasn’t necessarily wrong. If it meant his mother was going to be fine, then Joseph wouldn’t have cared about himself too much at this point. He would’ve figured it out. Avoiding and ignoring were two of his best techniques. “We have an understanding,” Joseph murmured, head tilted in thought. He liked to think they actually had a little more than just a simple understanding but he wasn’t ready to say it aloud until he was sure. They were a major work in progress right now. “So it’s okay.” Mr. Vidal settled for a hum that Joseph didn’t like. It had too much thought in it. “We’re okay for now, Mr. Vidal. Really.”

The older man still looked unconvinced but he didn’t voice his thoughts so Joseph didn’t bother to continue pressing it. Him and his father were okay; it wasn’t like that was a lie. They were just…like in a probationary stage or something. They were working on it and, really, could either of them ask for more than that after everything that had happened?

After a spell of silence, Mr. Vidal suddenly got to his feet with a long stretch and satisfied sigh. Snapping a finger gun at Joseph, he said “Should that understanding ever become a problem, you come to me, got it? I don’t want excuses or whatever else bullshit you’ll come up with. You come to me and that’s that. Understood?”

Between Asen, tetíncho Yulian, and Mr. Vidal, Joseph was not lacking places to go apparently. It was touching, he’d admit it, but also almost offensive. His father really wasn’t a bad person. He wasn’t. As much as those three men knew his father so well, they also didn’t. They’d never understand him the way Joseph understood him. And maybe understanding wasn’t an excusal for things but at the very least, it proved behavior. It provided reasoning of the hows and whys.

Joseph respected that.

“Understood?” Mr. Vidal repeated, still waiting for his answer. Joseph didn’t want to explain what was going on in his head so he just nodded and put on a decent smile. Too happy and Mr. Vidal would totally be suspicious. “Good.” Sighing as he stared down at Joseph, Mr. Vidal tapped the top of his head with a powerful finger. “Take care of yourself, okay? And if that ever is difficult, let someone do it for you. Or at least help you with it. Alright?”

It was a quicker shorter version of his father’s speech essentially. “Yeah,” Joseph said with a quick nod. “I’ll try my best.”

“Niño, that’s all any of us are asking for.”

“It’s not fair that Skovron gets to sit in the front,” Jiang muttered for what was probably the fiftieth time in the last five minutes since they’d left the house. Ten times a minute. Could be worse, Joseph mused. “I want the front.”

“That sounded so childish that it was almost impressive,” Swan snorted from beside Jiang, deciding that middle was best for the direct hit of the air con. He was willing to be squashed for air. Though really, since Swan was the largest out of them, it was more Prokopenko and Jiang that ended up squashed like bugs. “Almost.”

“Plus,” Skov said with excitable glee, fists raised to the roof of the car, “I got scissors and you got paper!” He glared and Jiang through the side mirror, too scared to actually turn around and do it to his face, “It was fair and square.”

Joseph didn’t bother getting into their childish domains and just drove, wondering if his avoidance of Atanas would get easier than just up and leaving his house. He didn’t want to deal with the man at all, especially after totally being used to escape that hellish dreamscape, and yet the stupid ass was following him. Badgering him on and on and trying to talk about anything and everything as if they hadn’t constantly talked with one another over the past few years.

He was going to lose his marbles sooner rather than later. Joseph wasn’t even sure he really had that many marbles left in the first place anyways. Regardless, he wanted to keep a hold on the ones that he still did have. He was sure that he needed them.

“Who decided that squares are fair though?” Prokopenko asked from where he was seated behind Joseph. Having Jiang behind him would have been way more optimal being that Joseph needed to back the seat up for his legs and Proko needed space for his own legs but Jiang had refused. Joseph was sure that he just wanted to bug the crap out of Skov. Jiang always would be the definition of utter pettiness. “There’s nothing fair about it. It’s only fair by certain divisions, not all.”

“See?” Jiang chimed in quickly, poking Joseph in the shoulder, “see how totally unfair that is? A fucking square is unfair, K. Proko says so.”

“As long as Prokopenko says so, then it must be true,” Joseph snorted, trying and failing to not huff in exasperation. He’d have preferred to just leave by himself but if nothing else, Joseph was trying to be a decent host to his annoying guests. Annoying guests that had dragged their asses here just for him. It was the least he could do. “But you weren’t playing squares so it’s totally irrelevant.”

Skov’s fists flew up to the roof of the Escalade once more. “Yes! I still won fair!” He turned with a great show of courage and stuck his tongue out at Jiang, “In your face!”

Jiang made to grab Skov’s tongue, the little pup pulling away with a squeak of fear. “I’ll rip your damn tongue, poops.”

Joseph couldn’t help the little laugh that escaped him. “Poops?” This was a new one to him. If there were going to be any poop jokes, he wanted in. Giving a quick glance to Skov, he laughed “You’re poops?”

Lips pouting and arms crossing, Skov muttered “Your face is poop.”

“Blake Skovron,” Swan said in a scandalous voice, covering his mouth in his mock shock, “I am ashamed of you, young man, for such language.”

Only for Skov’s sake did he not laugh. Only. “Hey,” Joseph chimed in, attempting to make eye contact with everyone in the car through the rearview mirror, “make sure you guys have basic manners in Home Depot, yeah? Let’s not get thrown out for indecency or something.”

Prokopenko grunted as his knee hit the back of Joseph’s chair. “Home Depot?”

“We’re going to do some intense redecorating of my room. I’m taking advantage of you guys while I have you.”

He tried not to dread what he may have brought up on himself when Skovron squealed in absolute delight.

Chapter Text

Joseph Kavinsky had many problems in his life. This was nothing new. In fact, he was even used to it at this point if he were being honest. His current problem was hardly comparable to the rest of his problems but he was still pretty sure it was qualified to be a problem.

“I’m telling you,” Jiang repeated no less than a second after he’d repeated it the first time, “navy blue, yo.”

“And I’m telling you,” Swan also repeated with no less than a second between his own words, “that navy is too damn dark. His room needs light and sunshine, not darkness and gloom.” He tightly grasped his yellow color swatch, probably imaging how much he’d love it on his own walls. Joseph didn’t know why he was trying so hard for it, Joseph would never pick yellow. “Sunshine, bitch.”

Skov was utterly enamored by a shade of green that looked like spring happiness while Prokopenko took out every swatch on the shelf to read the back. Out of what had to be at least a hundred, he’d read through a decent half so far.

They seemed to be forgetting just whose room was being painted.

“Guys,” Joseph couldn’t help but say with an utterly exasperated sigh, selecting the ocean blue swatch that he wanted so he could give it to the guy to mix for him, “the room is mine, you realize that, yes?”

Everyone but Prokopenko didn’t even bother to spare him a glance.

Cursing under his breath, he left them and went to pick a jug of base paint for the guy to mix. They wanted to stand there and fight over swatches all day? Cool, good for them. He’d been planning to take them to the Jersey City mall after this but at this point, he was just going to go by himself. He’d stop at Godiva to buy some chocolate for him and his parents and then go up to the top floor to eat something. They could figure out how to get home on their own. So not his problem. They wanted to fight over paint that wasn’t even for them? Cool. Go for it.

After handing over the jug so the color could be mixed, Joseph wandered down the paint aisles, picking out whatever tools he was pretty sure he was going to need for this mess. Drop cloths for sure. Definitely plenty of drop cloths. His floor had seen enough accidents.

On second thought, maybe they should actually be replacing his floor before painting his walls.

With a shrug, Joseph set his tools next to Skov who would be the only one to pay attention to what was around him and walked off, settling for exploring the grand Depot as he waited. It amused him that it took almost twenty minutes before one of them called him, only then realizing that he was gone. Not bothering to answer Proko, he walked back to the paint aisle where his friends were looking particularly pouty.

“Dude,” Prokopenko said, waving his phone around, “answer the damn phone. Jiang thought you left us to get lost in Jersey.”

They didn’t need to know that he’d totally thought about it.

“I would never,” Joseph snorted as he rolled his eyes, thanking the guy for the paint as he grabbed what he could, leaving the rest for Skovron to carry for him. “You’d all terrorize my good state.”

“Good is a stretch,” Skov snorted as he grabbed what was left with a tiny^TM grunt. “Now Nebraska, yeah, that’s totally a good state.”

Joseph rolled his eyes as he walked to the cash register, not bothering to check if they were all following or not. The only one that mattered was Skov since he had the rest of his painting shit. “I don’t know shit about Nebraska, Skovron.” He set his stuff down on the register with a quick nod to the cashier, “And if I don’t know shit, I hate to break it to you, but that means no one else does either.” Shrugging after pulling out his wallet, Joseph added with a snort “Meaning it ain’t shit.”

If he’d been insulting Philly and Jiang, he probably would’ve gotten a much better reaction than Skov’s sad eyeroll. Joseph was a master of eyerolls and, damn, Skov’s was crap. After spending so many years around the lot of them, Joseph would think that the little pup would have mastered it by now. “Yes, because my state’s reputation all depends on whether or not Joseph Kavinsky knows anything about it.”

He slid his card to pay; he was glad Skov was having his tiny tantrum, too busy to notice Joseph putting the card backwards before fixing it. “Yup.”

“Yo, you gonna feed us?” Jiang asked as he and the rest of the crew finally reached them, a tiny pep in his short step. “I is hungry,” he paused, a piece of his ungelled hair falling across his forehead as he tilted his head in thought, “Closer to hangry, honestly.”

A hangry Jiang was definitely not what they needed. “You shouldn’t be hungry already,” Joseph muttered as he grabbed a few things, leaving the rest for the guys to help with. “It hasn’t been that long since breakfast.”

“Plus,” Prokopenko added, almost sounding like he was sulking, “you ate the most pancakes, you fatass.”

Tempted to turn his head back to see the look of anger he knew would be on Jiang’s face, Joseph decided that it was best to smile to himself. He didn’t need that stress in his life; he totally had enough, thank you. If there was one thing, besides his height obviously, that Jiang was sensitive and mildly obsessed about, it was his weight. Just because he liked Isha round, didn’t mean he liked himself that way. The minute he had a tiny pooch, he’d refuse anything that wasn’t healthy.

“Oh boy,” Skov whispered, suddenly at Joseph’s side with big eyes. He nudged Joseph’s good arm, nodding to the negative energy they both totally felt behind them. “Is it a good idea to be in the car with them?”

Trying his best to hold his laugh as he clicked open the Escalade, Joseph whispered “Dunno, pups, you better win rock, paper, scissors.” Shoving everything into the trunk as quickly as he could, he left a panicking Skov squealing about how his win should count for the whole day. Once he was in the driver’s seat and had the car going, he locked the doors and waited a good thirty seconds with his eyes closed before hitting unlock.

It took a thump and a few seconds but once he opened his eyes, he found Jiang sitting in the passenger seat, his arms crossed and his mouth pouting. Even his hair was everywhere. He took a deep breath as they waited for the rest of the guys to sit in the back before his eyes found Joseph’s. “I can wait for lunch.”

“Aw, c’mon,” Joseph said as he reversed them out of the parking space while making sure not to have an ounce of judgement in his voice. He was in prime punching proximity; he would not risk his health. Whether Jiang would hurt him or not was a toss up on just how angry he was. “You’re not fat, don’t listen to him. He’s just annoyed he didn’t get as many pancakes as you.”

Most likely the truth, if they were being honest. Proko didn’t give a damn how much Jiang ate unless he was eating Proko’s share.

From the corner of his eye, he saw Jiang glance at him before pursing his lips even more. The car was silent for a good few minutes as Joseph drove to the mall. He was pretty sure everyone else was quiet because they didn’t want to test Jiang’s lack of patience. Joseph was silent because of Jiang’s patience. Any moment now, he’d have to either air out his anger or at least take a breath.

It took a few circles before finally finding a parking space. Yawning as he shut off the car, Joseph glanced at the quiet occupants with a confused twist of his mouth. Jiang was still pouting out the window and when Joseph turned his eyes to Skov, the little blonde just shrugged.

“This the mall?” Swan asked, the first to break the silence and get out of the car. “Does it got good stores? I want to get some new clothes for the school year.”

Joseph snorted as he stepped out, all of them following Swan’s lead with Jiang coming out last. He clicked the fob, locking the car behind them. “Bitch, we wear uniforms.”

Or wore, in Joseph’s case. It was a bit unreal to say that he could believe he wasn’t going to Aglionby this year. He didn’t even know what school his mother had picked for him because he was too afraid to ask. It’d taken forever to convince her to let him homeschool, not for his possible attitude to fuck it up.

“For when I go out, dumbass.”

“Let’s split up,” Jiang said suddenly, grabbing Joseph’s sleeve and tugging him away from the group. He wanted to protest and he could tell Skov wanted to too but the grip that was holding him seemed a bit too dangerous for that. “C’mon.”

Giving a tiny wave to his confused fellow companions, Joseph followed along, his sleeve still gripped tight as Jiang walked them into H&M. “Not gonna lie, dude,” Joseph began carefully, not really sure where exactly Jiang’s thoughts were, “I’ve never shopped here in my life.” He glanced at the display that they passed as Jiang continued to drag him until they reached a corner in the men’s section. “Though honestly, that shirt was pretty nice.”

Finally letting go of Joseph’s poor sleeve, Jiang fixed them so they were face to face. “Do you think I gained weight?”

“For the love of- ” Joseph took a deep breath, trying his best not to be annoyed because he knew Jiang was sensitive about his weight. “Did you really drag me into a corner of H&M to ask me that?”

Not an ounce of shame was on his sharp face. “Yes,” he replied, crossing his arms, before undoing them and looking down at his stomach which, admittedly, did have a tiny belly going on. An oddity for Jiang and a wish for Joseph and his underweight frame. Jiang gave a gentle poke to himself. “I mean, look. It’s right there.”

Massaging his temples, Joseph took a soft breath before treading into shark infested waters. “Xia-”

“Don’t you fucking ‘Xia’ me.”

“Xia,” Joseph said, trying again while looking over his shoulder than directly at his murderous eyes, “you look fine and I’m positive Isha agrees.”

Drooping with all vigor lost, Jiang pouted, mouth twisted in a frown. “That means I did.”

“Your words, not mine.”

Sighing, his short companion made himself busy looking at the rack beside them as if he would ever be caught dead in tweed pants. Not bothering to meet Joseph’s gaze anymore, he muttered “Skov can eat anything and it never shows. You can eat anything and it never shows on your skeleton ass.”

Deciding to let that one go even though it hurt, Joseph snorted “I was a fucking junkie, dude. That is nothing to be proud of.” He pointed to his concave stomach, “You think I’m happy with this? I still look like one even though I’m clean. Plus, it doesn’t show because half the time I can’t keep shit down because my dumbass is always nauseous.”

Recovery, everyone had promised him. But as someone who’d had eating issues before ever getting high or drunk, Joseph wasn’t too sure. His mother kept saying that his body was just adjusting but he didn’t understand how long this ridiculous ‘adjusting’ was supposed to take.

The smallest smallest smallest amount of shame crossed Jiang’s features and that, for this guy especially, was a win. “I know you’re going through shit, that’s my bad.” With another heavy sigh as he let go of a tweed pants like it had offended him, Jiang added “I got issues too, yo.”

“Weight was never one I expected on your list, honestly.”

“Parents and shit and…shit.”

Grabbing his buddy by the shoulder of his shirt, Joseph dragged him away from the offensive tweed pants and out the store. There were a few things that got Jiang out of the dumps when it came to his family and whether Jiang liked it or not, it was food. Maybe it was a bad thing when your coping mechanism was what stressed you out.

Actually, Joseph was sure that it was a bad thing. Totally.

“Did you actually want to look in there?” Joseph asked, perhaps a bit late since they were almost to the boba shop. Joseph hated boba and pudding and whatever else topping existed on the planet but he liked the drinks. Granted, he’d only tasted one because a Taiwanese place had opened a town over from Henrietta and Jiang said they were going no matter what. Joseph hadn’t expected boba in Virginia but then, he hadn’t really noticed it in Jersey until he knew what it was and realized there were quite a few places around. “I kinda just dragged your ass.”

“That was totally a ‘hint hint’ wasn’t it?” Jiang just laughed as he pushed Joseph’s hand off, though he kept following, “It totally was.”

“Oh, totally,” Joseph agreed.

“Fine, that was my oopsie.”

“Oopsie.”

“Mhm,” Jiang hummed, a lightness in his tone that wasn’t there before. “So where we going, Jersey?”

Pointing up at the escalators they were going to take to the third floor, Joseph answered “Boba.”

Jiang made an approving noise as they went up and then up on the next escalator. “Man’s willing to take me to boba even though he choked on it. That’s so sweet.”

Making a face as he flipped off Jiang who laughed, Joseph snorted “Gross. Don’t call me sweet.”

“Only Swan can say that, huh?”

In his dreams. “Not a chance; especially not right now.”

A small nod was surprisingly all he received before they stood in line to order. Joseph wasn’t sure where Jiang’s brain was today but it was creepy how quiet he was up until they ordered, paid, and even grabbed their drinks before finding a table.

When the silence was broken, he was tempted to say ‘finally.’ It was like he’d been holding his breath the whole damn time.

“So I get that you and him are off but is that like an off completely?”

Stirring his fruit supreme, sans toppings of course, Joseph sighed. He really wasn’t sure what him and Swan were, but he knew what they had tried to have wasn’t fitting right. Maybe it was him, maybe it was Swan, or maybe it was just that they weren’t two types of people who meshed in a relationship.

Well, he knew it was more than partially him. But he liked to think Swan had some fault too; it was only fair.

“Maybe? I don’t know, man.” He watched Jiang stir his freaky pink concoction. With toppings, of course. “I’m not in a good place for relationships, I know that much. For healthy ones, anyways.”

“Good on you for recognizing that. Takes guts to say it out loud.” With an obnoxious sip and a jingle of his many bracelets, Jiang added “Healthy progress. Good on you. Good on you.”

“Joseph?”

He choked on the strawberry bit that had come up his straw, his head swiveling to find the voice he knew well. So well, really. Albeit, he was scared to meet those eyes but realistically, she’d hunt him down whether he met her gaze or not.

Alicia’s eyes caught his in less than a second. “It is! Oh my gosh!”

“Hi,” he practically whispered, a tiny wave accompanying his embarrassing greeting.

Joseph wasn’t so sure he was ready for more Vidals.

Chapter Text

Practically tripping as she rushed over, her takeout bag tipping in a precarious way, especially if there was anything saucy in there, Alicia arrived with quite the fanfare, a big smile on her face. “Emilio said you stopped by yesterday! And no lie, we all totally called him a liar. Papi said he’d investigate.”

No wonder Mr. Vidal had shown up in the morning. “That would explain his visit a few hours ago.”

“Whose visit?” Jiang asked, glancing between Alicia and Joseph. “No one came to visit this morning.”

“When I went to eat my pancakes on the porch,” Joseph explained, taking another sip of his juice. He slung his thumb at Alicia, “My ex-girlfriend.” He literally squeaked when a hand slapped the back of his head. He rubbed his head as he glared at the maniac that he used to date. “Ow!”

Looking every bit of the Vidal she was with her brow and mouth expressing her annoyance, she snapped “That’s all I get?” She rolled her eyes and made a face as she mocked in a manly voice “‘My ex-girlfriend.’ Don’t make me slap you again.”

“Sorry,” Joseph snorted, still rubbing his head, “my ex-girlfriend who is the sister of my ex-boyfriend.”

“That sounds worse, you ass.”

He shrugged, “It’s the truth.”

Jiang stared at Alicia for a good few minutes before asking “So you’re like Emilio’s sister then?” She nodded, her ponytail flopping with her. Joseph had to admit, she was as pretty as ever. He was pretty sure that if her brother hadn’t been his type, she totally was. “Huh.”

“Why huh?”

Sparing a glance at Joseph before glancing back at Alicia, Jiang replied “I didn’t think you had such good taste, to be honest.” Alicia burst into a laugh while Joseph glared at the idiot in front of him who simply sipped his pink monstrosity. “Emilio is a handsome dude, not disagreeing after I saw him in person but the girls you fucked in Henrietta were bitches, yo. Ergo, shit taste.”

Alicia scooted in besides Jiang, nearly shoving him off the bench with the amount of force she used. “The bitches, huh?”

Joseph just shrugged, not able to meet her eyes. In Henrietta, it didn’t matter what people thought about him and his actions. Well, it did but it didn’t really matter enough to register. It just mattered a bit where it annoyed him. Alicia and everyone in Jersey who really knew him were a different ballpark. He didn’t want them thinking bad of him. His actions in Henrietta were nothing to be proud of and he wanted them kept there. Not following him back home. Not when he was finally trying to get his head on straight.

“I didn’t catch your name,” Alicia said suddenly, shifting her gaze to Jiang beside her. “Nice to meet you…?”

“Xia.”

He did his best to hide his smile behind his straw. Jiang introduced himself by first name only when he thought someone was pretty. He was Jiang to everyone else. “Nice to meet you, Xia. Can you give me and Joseph a moment?”

Of course, because she was pretty, his buddy nodded obediently, not a single typical disagreement on his lips. Saluting a goodbye to Joseph, he stood and grabbed his drink, giving Alicia what the crew knew as his ‘I’m a great guy, let’s get to know each other’ smile.

Alicia waited until he was out of sight before turning her focus back on him. “You know, I stared for a good few minutes before I decided to take a chance and call your name. I really honestly wasn’t sure that it was you.”

“‘Cause I’m taller?”

“Because you look like a junkie.” There was a retort on the tip of his tongue but she didn’t give him the chance to get it out. “Like, looking at you, I see you and you certainly look like you and yet you totally don’t.”

Joseph just settled for a shrug, not able to meet her eyes. Obviously, he knew what he looked like and she wasn’t wrong, he still looked bad. He looked like Kavinsky from Henrietta who snorted to survive and to feel something or anything and yet nothing at the same time.

“Look,” Alicia began, her voice taking on a soft tone, one he knew well even outside of when they had dated all those years ago, “you went through things, whether by your own fault or not, but don’t let them hold you back. You’re here now, in the present, for the future. I don’t know what you’ve done or been through since I last saw you-”

“You know about the drugs,” he muttered, stirring the last of the fruit bits at the bottom of his cup. “Isn’t that the worst one? Isn’t that enough?”

She was silent for a moment, her fingers interlaced on the table. There was a simple band on her ring finger and Joseph couldn’t help but wonder what else he’d missed in the years he was gone. “People do drugs for different reasons and I’m not going to sit here and assume yours. I may know the Joseph of before but I don’t know you now and it’d be insult to you if I acted like I did. But what I do know for sure is the Joseph of now is here and probably trying to get his head on straight and no matter what you did before, you still deserve that. Don’t let you or someone else hold you back from that.”

“I’m afraid,” he admitted softly, his stomach in knots from forming just two words. “I’m afraid for so many reasons but what comes through my mind at least a hundred times a day is that I have a higher chance of failing than succeeding. I don’t think I can handle it if I fail this time.”

He wasn’t so sure that he’d be able to put himself back together after everything he’d already been through. Hell, Joseph wasn’t sure that even his mother would be able to and she’d been the one with the most success in glueing his shattered pieces. If he failed this time after really putting the effort…

“There’s no such thing as failure- no, no,” she waved her hands back and forth, nearly knocking him in the face before he could protest and whether he liked it or not, Joseph finally met her eyes, “there isn’t. You might mess up, you might hold yourself back, but listen, there’s no failure in this. There’s no ‘if I don’t get better, that’s it.’ No, it’s up and down and up and down, mijo. That’s life. That doesn’t mean you failed, okay?”

Chewing on his straw as he looked into those bright eyes, Joseph said “I’m uncomfortable with my ex calling me mijo.” He laughed when she made to slap him. “Just saying. That sounds like some role play shit and I don’t have that kind of kink, thank you.”

Rolling her eyes as she played with her ring, Alicia snorted “Did you get what I’m saying?”

With a sigh, Joseph rested his chin in his hand. It was similar to what his mother had told him in the hospital. And whether Joseph liked it or not, the women in his life were the ones who were actually wise. So if he had two wise women telling him these things…well, then they had to be onto something, didn’t they? “I do, but that doesn’t stop how I feel either.”

“No, of course not. But don’t let it bury you when you feel that way, okay?”

“You sound like an old lady now, fyi, mija.”

She laughed before flipping him off. “Listen, pendejo, I love you-”

“Platonically or romantically, because let’s be real, or waters are a liiiittle weird. Dare I say incestuous.”

Looking ready to beat him if they weren’t in public, she carried on as though he hadn’t spoken, “I want you to be able to grow old and have annoying children and an annoying husband, alright? We all do.”

Annoying children and an annoying husband. It seemed like such a farfetched dream. It seemed like such a ridiculous dream that he wasn’t even allowed to have at this point. And yet, everyone was telling him to look forward to life; some in much smaller increments but technically, wasn’t that what everyone was saying?

Stretching her arms up with a satisfied grunt, Alicia got to her feet and grabbed her food. “Also, talk to Emilio. Like properly. He’s so annoying when he mopes.”

“Yeah, he always was,” Joseph sighed, almost wistfully, dare he say it. He blinked aimlessly out at the food court before he turned his focus back to his company. “Thank you.”

She clicked a finger gun at him, “Anytime, pendejo. We’re all rooting for you. Emilio’s at his part time at the mini mart on Washington. In case you’re curioussss.”

Joseph couldn’t help but wonder if he could ever do a job. In his state as of now, he wasn’t so sure but maybe down the road. If there was a road. “Perhaps I am.”

“Good,” she replied with a soft smile, the one that, quite frankly, made him believe that he could totally fake being straight as a goddamn board. “Stop by often, okay? Me, Linda, and Maria have a place of our own but anytime you go to papi’s, let us know so we can see you.”

Saying that he would even though he wasn’t actually sure that he would, Joseph sighed and got to his feet, cup in hand. Whether he wanted to admit it or not, he really hadn’t done much in going to see Emilio or even when Emilio had been in his house. Joseph had been trying to ignore him but not ignore him and he knew it wasn’t right. Emilio was a step in his recovery and whether it ended in awkward friends or best buddies, he had to make an attempt to close that chapter to find out. He owed that not only to Emilio but to his own self.

“Mini mart on Washington,” he murmured as he tossed his trash and made his way down to the next floor. He pulled up the proper address before messaging Skov to see where they had ended up. Maybe he’d just drop the guys home and meet Emilio after? Or maybe leave the guys here if they were super into shopping and go and come back? They hadn’t eaten either so maybe they could do that until he returned.

Plan in mind, he walked to Kohl’s to find a group of assholes. He’d say he was surprised by their choice of store but he really wasn’t. Swan loved Kohl’s with a creepy passion and Joseph had to admit that they usually had something decent. Plus, they took a lot of coupons. Discounts were always a win, even for financially comfortable people.

“Yo, bitch,” Joseph said, arriving behind Prokopenko trying on some shoes. He was alone and if Joseph had to guess, Swan was most like in the men’s section trying to find something bright and flashy, Skov was probably checking out wallets, and Jiang with him at the accessories.

He knew these bastards pretty well if he did say so himself.

“Yo, yo, like a dang yoyo, bro,” Proko replied in such a deadass voice that Joseph couldn’t help the smile that grew on his face. Leave it to this guy to make him smile from something so ridiculously simple. “Enjoying your super secret convos?”

If this had been Skov, he would have been saying it like a dejected child. Prokopenko on the other hand, really didn’t give a damn. Even the alive Proko wouldn’t have given a damn about them being super secret. He would have gave a damn about the contents probably. “Pretty much. Don’t call Jiang fat, man. He don’t like it.”

“Then he shouldn’t have taken my pancake,” Proko murmured as he bent over to tie a pair of Puma’s. Turning his foot left and right, he asked “Nice?”

Joseph liked yellow in small amounts and these seemed more like Finlay Swan shoes than Sasha Prokopenko but the shape was cool. “Totally coolio.”

“Yeah, I thought they were a little weird too.”

“Glad we understand one another.”

“We always do, my damn Russian.”

Joseph rolled his eyes, “Okay, my damn Pole.”

“Hey,” Proko snorted as he slipped off the shoe and put it back in the box, “I’m not even close to looking Polish.” Slipping on his own shoes and getting to his feet, he grabbed the box to put back on the shelf. “You on the other hand, could totally pass as a Russian.”

Mouth twisting with disgust as they walked to find the other guys, Joseph muttered “Russian, my ass.” He blew a disgusted raspberry, “Russian, he says. Fuck them.”

“Fuck who?”

“The Russians,” Proko answered, flicking Skov’s little blonde head with a powerful middle finger. “Who are your people again?”

Skov glanced at Prokopenko, rolling his eyes like a pro who has hung out with a pile of assholes for a couple years. “Stop.”

“Skovron has no people,” Jiang laughed as he tried on a huge shawl that was out way too early in the season. Jersey did not have shawl worthy weather yet. “You damn American.”

“So you bitches want to eat?” Joseph cut in, knowing that if he didn’t stop them now, it’d become a huge thing like it always did. “Because I got something I need to do, so maybe eat and I’ll come back for you guys?”

Swan gave him a long look, his hand grasping a bright green shirt like his life depended on it. “Something to do?”

“Yeah,” he replied, hands in his pockets. His body was already exhausted but if he was going to do anything, he knew that he needed to get it done now before he lost his nerve. The minute Joseph went home, he knew he’d give up. He had to go to Emilio before he lost his nerve like the last time. “Need to talk to someone.”

He wasn’t sure if Swan would be offended or not by the mention of Emilio and Joseph wasn’t even sure if he cared or didn’t care if Swan ended up offended. But either way, Joseph figured it was better to be vague. At least until he understood his own self.

“Go on and do your shit,” Jiang said as he unwrapped himself and hung up the shawl. He knew nothing about where Joseph was going but he’d seen Alicia so maybe he’d assumed something or the other. “We’ll chill until you’re done.”

Chapter Text

Reaching the mini mart was easy.

Obviously.

Getting out of the car and actually walking in was a whole other thing.

“I got this,” Joseph whispered as he sat in the driver’s seat, rubbing his hands together as if this smothering heat had any cold to it. “I can do this.”

He wasn’t so sure he could but the least he could do was give it a decent try.

Shutting his eyes as he took a deep breath, Joseph shut off the car and got out, making sure to have all the confidence in the world even though he wasn’t feeling an ounce of it. Crossing the street, he walked into the mini mart, the tiny bell above his head giving a little jingle in welcome. It was admittedly a sweet sound that calmed his nerves.

Just a bit.

“Welcome in.”

“Thanks,” Joseph replied in a tiny voice, giving Emilio a weak but totally sincere smile. “Am I welcome?”

His used to be Bromilio and maybe one day again his Bromilio gave him a small smile as he rolled his eyes. “As long as you’re buying something.”

Walking up to the small counter, Joseph eyed the cigarettes behind Emilio’s back. In Henrietta, if he wanted something, it was his. Rules didn’t really matter too much. But this wasn’t Henrietta. And really, Joseph hadn’t had a cigarette since his attempt. He should keep it that way. No matter how much his fingers itched. “Are all your customers required to buy something if they walk in?”

“Nah,” Emilio snorted as he finished straightening out a display of single packaged cookies, “Just my rich ones. So you and Max, basically.”

Joseph hummed as his gaze returned to Emilio’s, his brown eyes as bright as ever. “When’s lunch?”

Emilio seemed to ponder the question for a moment before replying in a careful tone “Is this a date?”

“No but if you’re interested in the food aspect of that, I can totally buy.”

“The pizza slices here are delicious, if I do say so myself.”

He laughed as he took out his wallet and nodded to the case with fresh pizza. “Three pizza slices, please. All cheese”

“That’s my former man,” Emilio laughed, putting on some disposable gloves before putting each slice in a box and ringing them up. “Former man, that’ll be seven-seventy six.” He accepted the cash from Joseph’s hand and gave him his receipt. “Lunch in five.”

“Cool, then I’ll just…” Joseph glanced around the store before eying the little table outside the mart. He slung a thumb over his shoulder to the snack aisle, “Grab some snacks and then we’ll sit?”

“Sounds bueno.”

Joseph went to the snack aisle and picked a few things for himself and something for each of the guys. Totally not because he cared and way more because he didn’t want them eating his snacks. By the time he picked and checked out, it was time for Emilio’s lunch. Once they settled in, each one with their pizza in front of them – Emilio with two, of course – Joseph took a deep breath. “So.”

Taking a huge bite of pizza, Emilio raised a brow. “So, so, so, so.”

A small smile grew on his face, his nerves tempering just enough to make his leg stop shaking. Their childhood was a thousand years ago with troubled times in between and yet it was here at the table with them still. “I, um,” he swallowed before taking another slow breath, “saw Alicia today. In Newport.”

“Wah, that pendeja went to the mall without me?” He scrunched his nose as he laughed and took another bite. “Of course she did. She has a car.” Emilio laughed again like he’d just told the jokes of all jokes, “But I do too! I can’t even drive that thing.”

Taking a small bite of pizza, Joseph processed this for a second before his confusion took over. “You have a car? Do you even have a license?” Because Jersey was a walkable place, most people walked or used public transportation. It was nothing like Henrietta and its lack of sidewalks. Plus, Emilio was sure as hell not the kind to waste money on a car. “Where’d you get a car from?”

“Aish, mijo-”

Joseph waved his hand to cut him off, “Nope, not you too.”

His smiling companion seemed to not care a bit about Joseph’s opinion as he sipped his can of iced tea. “How can you forget Ivo Kavinsky’s promise to a young boy?”

Cocking his head to the side, Joseph stared for a moment before it hit him. “You’re joking.”

The Mustang. It had to be. What else could he mean? And yeah, sure, Joseph’s father was a pro at keeping promises but like…a kid sure wasn’t going to hold it against him if he didn’t buy him a Mustang. Emilio especially.

“Shockingly, no,” Emilio snorted as he dunked his pizza crust in a little cup of ranch. “Turned eighteen and went to go to work and BAM,” he slaps the table with a smile, “goddamn Mustang sitting in front of our apartment building. Key in the mailbox along with a gas card and insurance paid.” He shrugs as he starts his second slice, adding “I’m assuming paid for life. Doubt your pops wouldn’t. Not his style.”

“Jesus Christ,” Joseph muttered, unable to stop the disbelieving huff as he sipped from his water bottle. Leave it to Lord Kavinsky to make sure he kept his years old promise. To a child who had dreams of fast cars. “No, it certainly wouldn’t be.”

“It’s like special or limited or whatever. I don’t really know this shit like you. And stick shift of course, so I really can’t drive the thing. But I’m sure you and him would say it’s blasphemy to have it automatic.”

It totally would be.

Tapping his foot as he took another bite before setting down his pizza, Joseph looked out at the street, his stomach already shaking. There were a few people walking through, their minds focused on themselves. He never imagined a day where he’d be too afraid to talk to Emilio of all people. What had life come to? “Did you ever hate me?” he finally settled on, almost delicately like he needed to watch his step.

Joseph was too worried to look at Emilio, worried that he’d see emotions reflected in his eyes that he wouldn’t be able to handle. Emilio had every right to those emotions, but Joseph knew he wouldn’t be able to get through this conversation if he had to face them head on. He had to take this slow. About as slow as it took Emilio to finally reply “For a bit.”

Despite expecting it, Joseph couldn’t lie and say that it didn’t make his heart clench.

“Hate is a strong word, though.” There was the sound of what could suspiciously be described as the ranch cup being scraped clean. “I was angry with you. Frustrated. All sorts of things. But hateful towards you?” Emilio hummed, “I don’t think that’s the right word, to be honest.”

Scraping his teeth across his lower lip, Joseph sat silently, hoping that Emilio would continue without him having to add in his thoughts yet. After the letter he wrote, he wasn’t so sure that there was much more he could explain. Hell, Joseph was positive that there was no way he could explain it any better than what he had put his whole heart into.

“You left me,” Emilio murmured, his voice no longer as strong as before. It was just more than a whisper with even his eating coming to an end. “No matter the circumstance, you could’ve at least lied to my face and then dipped.”

“You and I both know that wouldn’t have worked,” Joseph interrupted softly as he picked at his nails. “You would’ve never believed any shit I would’ve said. We both know it.”

Joseph kept his eyes on the street, a silence settling over them. He wouldn’t go as far to say that it was a comfortable silence, but it wasn’t a terrible one either. More like they were processing. Or Emilio was. Hopefully. In a good way.

“When…when I saw your dad yesterday, it was the first time I’d seen him since what you told me. What you wrote me.”

This time, he couldn’t stop himself from turning to look at his former bestie. But it was Emilio now who wasn’t willing to meet eyes. Was he afraid? Disgusted? Joseph would never blame him if he was.

Playing with the empty ranch cup, he continued in a murmur “He was exactly the same. He’d even aged appropriately. I spent all last night wondering about it. Questioning my own goddamn religion because I was so confused. A whole man? Just like that?”

He couldn’t stop himself from correcting. “It certainly wasn’t ‘just like that.’ It was a lot harder than just that.”

Soft eyes met his and for a moment, Joseph let himself melt into them. There was endless emotion within, a battle of too many at once. “I said it in my letter and I’ll say it to your face. You are not to blame. You get that, right? He put himself in that position.”

Though he’d slowly come to terms with it, especially after speaking to his father about it, Joseph couldn’t say that it was easy to talk about. Hell, it wasn’t even easy to think about. It was a dark place in his mind that he wanted nothing to do with. Ever. Like many of the dark places in his mind. “No one puts themselves in a position to die.”

“He could’ve killed you.”

“He wouldn’t have,” Joseph scoffed, annoyed at himself for still so readily defending what he knew was wrong. Was it a crime to love his father? Plus, Atanas had told him that his father would have never done it and Joseph would hold onto those words for the rest of his life. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

Emilio’s eyes finally took on a tint of anger, “Joseph.” He bit his tongue before he lashed out. Joseph knew he was being too quick in defending but he couldn’t help it. “Even if he didn’t mean it, he could have while he was busy beating the crap out of you.” A nasty expression took over, one that Joseph was unfamiliar with. One that had no business being on Emilio’s kind face. “Sorry, busy beating the fag out of you.”

Clamping down on his lip before he’d say something he’d regret and didn’t mean, Joseph shut his eyes and took a deep breath between his teeth before releasing it out slowly. He would not get angry. He would not. Emilio was angry for Joseph. Not at him.

For him.

He took another breath before opening his eyes again. One look into those frustrated eyes and he was ready to close them again. “We’ve…worked our stuff out.”

All he received was a sigh and a shake of the head. His friend seemed the least bit comforted. “I assume as much but that’s not the point and you know it.” Rubbing his eyes harshly before letting out a frustrated huff, Emilio asked “Why couldn’t you trust me? My dad? Did you really think that we wouldn’t have helped you? Forget the fact that you killed him and remade him and all that shit.”

Joseph was pretty sure that was the hardest part to forget.

“Why couldn’t you tell me when we talked that he had beaten you? I already knew that he didn’t always keep his hands to himself-”

“He hadn’t hit me in a long time,” Joseph cut in, his frustration starting to build up. His father had done wrong, he knew that. He wasn’t as stupid as everyone wanted to think. But he loved him. Why was that so hard for anyone to take into account? His father wasn’t a fucking monster. “That’s not fair.”

“I don’t care!” Emilio snapped, before glancing around and lowering his voice. His tone, however, stayed the same. “I don’t give a damn if nothing is ever fair for him for the rest of his undead life! It’s you I care about!”

Gnawing on his wobbling lip while refusing his tears exit, Joseph whispered “But I care. I love him. Why does everyone think that that’s irrelevant? Maybe he’s not the most upstanding person on the damn planet but he’s mine. My dad. And yeah, he’s shit for a lot of things but he’s also great for other things.”

With a heavy breath, Emilio rubbed his face harshly before stacking his trash. “Look, I understand that he must be in a totally different headspace than he used to be, especially with the gay shit I heard yesterday while in his house. I get it. He’s better or whatever. Fine.” He pointed at Joseph with his empty Arizona can, “You forgive him, fine, then I do to because if you do, then I do. But I sure as hell don’t forget and you better not either. You’re right, he’s a lot of good things, I don’t disagree, but he’s a lot of bad things too.”

“I know that,” he said with a soft sigh, glancing out at the street again. He sure as hell knew that. “I didn’t forget and I don’t plan on forgetting. I’m not stupid and wish you all would stop acting like I am.”

“I know you’re not. But you said it yourself, you love him. And when we love someone, we do stupid things. So when he pushes, you push back twice as hard, you get me?”

A small smile fought with his wobbling lips, “When did you get so smart?”

“Mijo,” Emilio snorted, sounding more lighthearted than he had only seconds ago, “I’ve never been smart a day in my damn life. Certainly didn’t start now.”

Turning back to face his previous bestie, Joseph asked “So where do we go from here?”

Emilio rested his chin in his palm, the bracelet on his wrist slipping down. “Forward. Kinda the only way to go, right? We can’t go backwards; that option doesn’t exist. Maybe we aren’t thee epic Trouble Twins Bromilio and Broseph anymore but that certainly doesn’t mean we can’t become them again, you know?”

Finally letting his smile win, Joseph replied “Yeah, I know.”

Chapter Text

“So that Finlay guy,” Emilio began as he stretched in his seat, groaning in satisfaction as he did, “you dated him?”

Joseph huffed without shame. If anyone could give him expert unbiased opinion, it’d be Emilio, right? Plus, Emilio had the bonus of having dated so he had to be better than Joseph at this. “Isn’t your lunch over?”

“Nah, pendejo, I get a nice forty-five minutes.”

“That doesn’t sound standard.”

“It’s not,” he said with a smile of pride, his eyes twinkling just like they used to, “I’m special. Papi caught a robber for him right around the time I was hired on so…”

He laughed as he crumbled his pizza box, shaking his head as he did. “Privileged, is what you’re saying.”

“Hell yeah.”

Gathering up their trash and getting up to put it in the bin, Joseph sighed and asked “Will you help me figure some shit out?”

Emilio snorted a very ugly sound as he tilted back and forth in the metal chair. Joseph was convinced it’d end up breaking on him. “Bitch, even when I was angry with you, I would’ve helped you with anything.”

With a plop back into his chair, Joseph tapped a rhythm on the tabletop. His issues with Swan were frustrating and Joseph hated being frustrated more than anything else. Except angry. He hated being angry which made him even more frustrated. “So like, obviously, my time in Virginia wasn’t sunshine and rainbows, pun intended.”

“Got it.”

“I was in a really bad headspace only a few weeks ago. Well, closer to a month ago, I guess.”

Jesus did time fly.

“Right.”

“Like…bad bad.”

Bad bad was such an understatement.

Fucking Lynch. Fucking Dick. Fucking Blue.

Personally, Joseph didn’t have shit against Parrish. Besides the company he kept, the dude was pretty alright.

Emilio nodded, a tiny smile on his face. But like…a constipated one like he was waiting for Joseph to move a little faster. “Gotcha.”

Tapping a nervous beat, Joseph continued “So, like, Finlay told me he liked me.”

Best to keep it short and to the point. Skip the gritty details unless they were needed.

“And, you know, he’s a handsome dude and he knew that I had…” He waved his hand around, hoping that was enough to convey the point.

“Issues?”

“Yeah,” Joseph snorted, rolling his eyes, “a few of those. So I figured, why not give it a shot? And we did.”

Crushing his now empty ice tea can, Emilio waited for a moment before laughed. “Okay? And?”

He ran his teeth between his lips as he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. It was most likely the guys and well, they were going to have to wait. He had Emilio and he was keeping him until this privileged lunch break was up. “I dumped him. The same day.” He couldn’t help the laugh of disbelief that escaped his lips because he knew how ridiculous it all sounded. “After like an hour or two.”

Emilio clasped his hands together and set them on the table as if Joseph had just walked into their first therapy session. He hoped he didn’t ask for the whys. Joseph wasn’t up for that. “Even though you liked him?” He nodded, relieved that the question was simple. “Because of the bad place your head was in?” Joseph nodded again. “But you still like each other?”

Joseph considered this for a good long moment, maybe longer than he should have if he was truly as interested in Finlay as he thought he was. “I know he still does. And I do too,” he added quickly, tapping his chest to emphasize his point, “And we got together again after my whole,” Joseph waved his hand around as if that was going to capture it all, “shitshow. And then he broke up with me and then he came to apologize but then I was even nastier and then it really just all went…” he made a farting noise as he squashed his good hand down on the table, “to shit. You know?”

“I’m going to be honest,” Emilio said, his eyes wide as he watched Joseph’s entire word vomit erupt, “I’m messy as shit when it comes to relationships but damn, so are you.”

Deflating in his seat as he pouted, Joseph muttered “That doesn’t help.”

“Listen up, mijo-”

“For the love of abuela, stop saying that.”

“No,” he said with a stern finger, “Now listen.”

He rested his head on his gigantic water bottle, his pout still evident. “I’m listening.”

“I don’t think you actually like him,” Emilio pointed that finger at him again before Joseph even had the chance to open his mouth, “Hush. You like the idea of him. You like that he’s handsome and I’m sure he’s got a lot of good stuff that you like and people have certainly dated for less.” The stern finger turned on its owner without an ounce of shame. “Devon was my rebound. I picked him because I knew he likes me and he is gorgeous. That’s it. Granted-”

“Wait, wait-”

“No, I’m not-”

“Shush, child,” Joseph said firmly, waving his hand in front of Emilio’s mouth to stop him, “You said that in present tense.”

Looking incredibly offended, Emilio snorted “You seriously judging my grammar right now?”

Joseph rolled his eyes, “No, dumbass, but I thought you’re dating Marcus?”

A tinge of pink dusted his cheeks, making him as lovely as ever. Sheepishly, he shrugged and replied “I told you, I’m messy at relationships.”

“So when Maximillian said you’re bouncing from one to the other… he was serious?”

The pink disappeared pretty damn quick as Emilio rolled his eyes so harshly that Joseph thought his eyes would burst out. “One day, I will seriously stop being friends with him. I will.” With a sigh, he added “We can go through my issues later. This is about you.”

He was totally all for that. Joseph needed some perspective; he’d get the juicy deets later. Maybe from Maximillian. Maybe. He’d most likely give him the totally honest version. “I don’t think I’m ready to be in a relationship. And everyone I’ve had this conversation with agrees with me. It’s annoying but I think it’s true.”

“But are you interested enough in Finlay to want to be in a relationship with him?”

Chewing on the built-in straw, Joseph gave this a minute of thought. He really liked Finlay, he did, but after everything that’d happened so far… was it even worth for them to keep trying? What if he really was just dragging Finlay along for no reason? Sure, they’d fought but hell, they always fought. They were too opposite and too similar at the same time. He’d keep him as a friend forever. As a boyfriend?

Maybe that wasn’t the best for them. But Joseph certainly wasn’t intelligent enough in these things to know if that was the right thing or not.

“I like the concept of a relationship. I like the concept of having Finlay. It’s not like he’s a stranger; we’ve known each other for a couple years.”

Emilio gave a chuckle, “I’ve known Max for a couple years and I would not date that man.”

Joseph totally would; he was thinking his smaller brain though. “Even if you were desperate?”

“I used to joke and tell him when he finds his gay, hit me up, but nope.” Emilio snorted and shook his head like even thinking on it bothered him. “No, no. Max is not made for dating, dude.”

Biting his lip, Joseph murmured “How do you know that I am?”

“Because I dated you,” Emilio replied with surety, “I know what you’re like when you love someone.”

He really wasn’t so sure that Maximillian’s issues were any less than Joseph’s. Actually, Joseph was totally convinced that he was worse off. Emilio was confident but he hadn’t spent that last few years around him. Joseph knew who he was and what he was like and that was the problem. Whether anyone wanted to say it or not, he was like his father. They had a lot of good, sure, but they sure as hell had a lot of bad too. And while it was never their intention to hurt the people they loved, usually, they were damn good at it.

“When you dated me, I was a very different person.”

Crossing his arms with a snort, Emilio said “When I dated you, you were sweet, romantic, funny, an asshole, and a manipulative piece of shit. Has any of that changed drastically?”

Joseph’s brow furrowed, “I was not a manipulative piece of shit. I am now, sure, but no way I was then.”

“Oh no, mijo,” Emilio laughed, clapping as he did, “you definitely were. A trait of Kavinskys I’m afraid. You can manipulate like the best of them, buddy. You were and, I bet, are even more so now, a damn good one.”

He refused to admit that he was offended but he sure felt it. Plus, Joseph was sure that his face showed it. “Okay, well, I guess I haven’t changed as much as I thought I did. I was always a terrible person, apparently.”

“Nah, don’t you go and pity party on me. It’s best to be self-aware. And I loved you for it anyways because your good always outweighed your bad.”

With a sigh as he hung his head in his hands, Joseph took a second to think what in the world Emilio’s bad had been. To him, everything had been perfect. But he’d been a child with the thoughts of his boyfriend and being himself for the first time in his life. He was and to an extent, still a bit naïve. “I feel like as much as me and Finlay enjoy one another, we just…” Joseph rubbed his palms against each other, back and forth, for the lack of the right word “we vibe. But also don’t? We clash too much?”

Nodding in thought, Emilio watched Joseph for a few quiet moments before saying “Some people are just better as friends. That goes true for tons of people. Doesn’t mean you fucked up or he did or that you guys are bad people. You guys can still appreciate each other a little more than just friends but maybe, that’s really what you guys are best as. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah,” Emilio replied with a shrug, “Don’t make it more complicated than it needs to be. We all have it complicated as it is. Be great friends to each other. Romantically, you guys just don’t work and that’s cool. Platonically, you guys are ride or die. Easy peasy.”

“Lemon squeezy,” Joseph finished with a sigh. Emilio made it sound so damn simple but maybe that was what Joseph was looking for. Someone to help him understand in simple terms. “I should talk to him.”

“I agree.”

Stretching his arms up to the sky as Joseph felt another few vibrations from his pocket, Emilio groaned in satisfaction before giving Joseph a big smile. “This is nice. Look at us being all grown up.”

“I don’t want to be a grown up anymore,” Joseph couldn’t help but laugh as he pulled out his phone to ten thousand notifications from Jiang. “I want simpler times of childhood.”

“Ugh, I totally feel that,” Emilio snorted as he got to his feet and grabbed all their trash. Making his way over to the trash can, he added “Don’t be stranger now. Only showing up when your head is all jumbled. Show up for anything, mijo.”

Shooting off a text that he was on his way though he technically wasn’t yet, Joseph stretched as he too got to his feet. This had been nice; once they were past the initial awkwardness, it really did feel like old times again. He knew that he’d missed it but Joseph didn’t realize just how much he had. It was a torrid of emotions that was ranging from happy, sad, excited, nervous, and more. He tried his best to keep the tangled emotions out of his voice. “We start painting tomorrow. I expect you there.”

Emilio laughed, “Get lots of drop cloths!”

“Already did, don’t worry,” Joseph said with a laugh of his own. He was pretty sure he could get away with messing up the carpet this time around on account of everything that had happened recently but still. He’d prefer no paint on the floor. “Show whenever. You’re always welcome.”

With a huge and gorgeous smile on his face, Emilio gestured for Joseph to come closer. “C’mere, mijo, let me hug you.”

“Why do you always have to make it weird,” Joseph grumbled but nonetheless, quite happily brought himself in for a hug. Emilio was…barely up to his shoulders. Not even. Barely to his shoulders was generous. “Jesus, you really are tiny.”

A tight squeeze made him squeak before Emilio let go and pointed at him with the powerful stern finger once more. “Because you are injured, I took mercy on you. Next time, kiss your balls goodbye.”

“Please don’t,” Joseph said quickly, covering himself with his hands just in case. Couldn’t be too cautious. “My future children, man.”

Emilio rolled his eyes, shooing Joseph off from the front of the mini mart. “Go, go, pendejo. Get off my lawn. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He laughed and shouted as he walked back into work “Te amo, mijo!”

A grin erupted on his face, his heart feeling lighter than it had in a while.