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seungmin wasn’t known as someone who dwelled on feelings or even cared about that kind of aspect of his life. he didn’t date because he felt some sort of way towards that person, he dated them because they confessed and he accepted. why did he accept the confessions all the time? he had no idea. he just did and after some time they broke up and went back to either being friends or strangers, depending on their relation they had before the confessing. however, seungmin didn’t mind that in the slightest. he was there for the fun and games, not for a long lasting relationship he didn’t even want, anyway. he had no clue what people tried to do when they hooked up with him. sometimes he felt like should have mentioned to them that he does not reciprocate the feelings and that he is accepting just because… why not? of course, it wasn’t too nice from him, but people were getting over it pretty quickly and that was not only a win for him, but also the others that wanted to date seungmin. it was kind of a vicious cycle, but what could you do? everyone was whipped for the boy at some point.
everyone except on of his friends…
seo changbin.
seungmin never considered that weird, though. he just considered that changbin had higher standards and that was a smart move on his part. things were never something near awkward between them and the younger loved that. they were enjoying each other’s presence as friends. to say that seungmin was so happy that there weren’t any lingering feelings between them, was a complete misunderstanding and an understatement. he loved having someone he did not date around him, because it felt like he could be really comfortable with him.’
but there more than only words unspoken from changbin’s side, however. as good as he was to put on a facade when he was around the younger, as much it hurt in the night when he was dealing with the problem of not being able to fall asleep, because his thoughts were all over the place. of course, he never acted on what he felt, because he knew he’d end up just another kind of entertainment to seungmin and he didn’t want that. he didn’t want to be considered some kind of play toy, just because the boy he had feelings for would accept his confession no matter what. he was the first who caught up on seungmin’s pattern, so that’s why he never mentioned anything about those situations or was never getting too close to the younger. he had enough of seeing people being unhappy next to him and he had no intention to end up like that as well. of course, the heard wanted what it wanted and suppressing it wasn’t the best idea. he could have told seungmin about it and tell him that there was no reason for them to get together, but he knew how the younger was. he would have convinced him that there was place for trying.
changbin wouldn’t have believed it, however. yes, he would have accepted the offer of trying, but he knew way too well he required a miracle to actually be loved by seungmin. and he knew he wasn’t going to get that miracle. maybe someone would, but he was aware that ‘the someone’ wasn’t him and it hurt. he wished it could have been him. and he tried to move on, he really did. but hearing the younger telling him how he was so happy that changbin was the only one who never saw him in a romantic light made him incredibly happy. it stung, because seungmin had no idea what he was on about. changbin was the most in love with him and that’s why he never expressed it. the others? maybe had a a crush but he never saw someone being very invested in seungmin, actually. they were just harmless hook ups. of course, harmless for seungmin, not for him. he always expressed all the best towards the younger’s relationships, even if he did know that they wouldn’t end up to last. but he still was supportive.
and seungmin was eating that up. of course he was. changbin hated himself more and more everyday, since his heart acted stupid enough to fall for a boy whose heart couldn’t be reached.
“stupid.” would changbin mutter to himself, when he was thinking about all that once again. he wanted to get rid of those feelings and thoughts and he wanted to get rid of seungmin in general. he had enough pain in his chest on the daily basis, he didn’t need more from that kind of boy. but he was still feeling it nonetheless, even if it was physical or not.
so he tried. to distance himself from seungmin at the best he could. he was making up excuses to not hang out with him or why he couldn’t attend different events. sadly that not only affected his feelings towards the younger, but also his state. he didn’t want to worry anyone though, so he kept quiet. he kept moving on with his life like nothing ever happened. he still attended college even if he was told by his parents not to. he wanted a normal life, so he tried making the best of it until when the clock would’ve stopped. he wasn’t weak.
but even that being said so, he still didn’t have the courage to confess to the boy who made him feel so many things but also numb at once. he knew seungmin deserved to know what he felt all that time, before it was too late… but he didn’t have the heart to tell him, to crush his expectations. he didn’t want to make him ponder what have gone wrong and why, once again, a friend of his fell in love with him. he didn’t want to make him go through that. god, why did he think just about seungmin’s feelings and not his own? why? because his wouldn’t have mattered in the end anyway…
and even if he distanced himself, a gut feeling told him that the least he could have done for the younger was to hang out with him, somehow for the last time. so he called him and asked if he was up for a walk and if yes, to meet him in the park near his place. of course, seungmin did show up, excited he could spend time with his ‘friend’. they talked about nothing at all and everything, about what was bothering them and what wasn’t. they included all the things, besides what changbing felt regarding seungmin. he couldn’t bring it up. he just couldn’t. he didn’t want the boy he fell in love with to have something to dwell on after he would have been gone.
but somehow, as if the world was against changbin’s will, before seungmin could even bid his goodbyes for the day, the older started feeling dizzier and dizzier by second. he tried his hardest to stand up tall and pretend things were fine, but in the end, he still fainted and all he remembered was seungmin shouting ‘hyung’. then everything went black, sounds were muffled and he couldn’t make up any coherent words. it was like he was asleep, but still being able to hear people in the background talking. he had no idea where he was, he just knew that at some point all the voices stopped. his brain had the sense of hearing higher than ever and was aware of the smallest sounds, which kind of irritated changbin. not like he could’ve done something, anyway. it wasn’t long before his brain also got tired and blacked out, stopping the last sense that was functioning.
seungmin was sitting in a chair, near changbin’s bed in the hospital. he succeeded in calling the older’s parents and they told him they would come by as soon as possible. he was… shocked. he had no idea what he just witnessed and had no idea changbin had such… a state. he was never told. he didn’t feel angry or disappointed, he felt sad. because the older though he wasn’t trust worthy enough to know about what was for real going on with him. he knew that it wasn’t about him. it never was just about him, he should have known that, but he couldn’t stop feeling guilty. he considered changbin his dearest friend, but it wasn’t reciprocated. it never was. so he was wondering… why? was it something he told him? something he had done? his own person? he needed answers to all his questions, but he wasn’t going to beg changbin for them. not when he was lying in a hospital bed, prone to probably not waking up for the next few hours. he wanted to cry, but no tears were coming out. he wanted to scream, but he felt like he had no voice anymore.
kim seungmin was a shitty person and he never realised on his own. it took him a dear person fainting and finding out about his medical condition… he felt like such an asshole, he couldn’t believe he was that oblivious to what changbin was going through all that time… he never paid attention, he never tried to, in the first place and it was breaking him inside.
seungmin never expected that the thing that would get him in touch with his feelings would be… well…
seo changbin.
and it always was him. always him. it was annoying sometimes, the fact that he felt so much for the older when he wasn’t supposed to. he wanted to be careless and just go away, leave him lying in that bed. turn his back on him and leave, like those last months never meant anything to him. but he couldn’t do that. his heart wouldn’t let him do such a thing. he hated that. falling in his own feelings’ trap. it was an awful moment and he felt like he could burst into tears at any given moment. he wanted to stop thinking, he wanted a break. and he was selfish for wanting that. because most probably that’s how changbin felt everyday and he couldn’t stand some hours of the same treatment? it was messed up.
so he got up from the chair and decided to go for a walk through the hospital. he coudln’t stand seeing changbin unconscious anymore. he needed to see something else, something he didn’t care about. if he stayed more in that room, he felt like tears would start streaming down his face, without realising. he already had teary eyes and he hated the feeling. he wanted to go to sleep and not wake up for some hours…
oh… wait.
that was insensitive. seungmin sighed, hating himself for thinking that. he couldn’t stop himself from that train of thought, though. that made the situation even worse. why was dealing with emotions so hard? how was changbin handling all that? how was he able to not show any weaknesses and still suffer so much, quietly? he couldn’t wrap his head around how those kind of things worked. why did things hurt so much? he never understood people in pain and at that moment, he was one of them. what a change of events, right? not too pleasant.
the younger sighed again after wandering maybe a bit too far from the room where changbin was in, he decided to go back, hoping the older was awake. his steps felt heavier than usual. with each one of it, his heart was sinking one bit more, fearing what he could encounter in that room once he was opening the door. would changbin be wide awake? would he still be unconscious? would he yell at seungmin to get out? would he start telling him about this he didn’t say until then? he was afraid, so he hesitated, but in the end he opened it, peeking inside first.
“oh, you’re awake.” was the only thing seungmin said and changbin nodded, feeling embarrassed that the younger had to witness such thing. he felt bad, even if it wasn’t fully his fault he was dealing with such problems.
“yeah, you can leave now, if you wish.” changbin informed him, but the younger still came inside the room, closing the door after him. he sat in the chair he was sitting in earlier as well.
“i don’t want to leave. i want you to tell me what you couldn’t until now.” seungmin’s voice was serious and his face expressed concern. that was exactly what he wanted to avoid, but failed. he felt so guilty for that. he hated to see the sparkles seungmin had in his eyes disappear as he was looking at him.
“seungmin, don’t do this.” changbin spoke up with a weak voice, not wanting to start crying in front of the younger. “please, i beg you, don’t make me do this. don’t me speak up for myself when i tried so hard to forget how to. don’t act like you care, because i might believe you and i don’t want this to end on a bad note. please forget what you have seen, please act like you never cared. walk out of the door and pretend you don’t know me, be happy. please.” changbin started to say, starting to shake ever so slightly. tears started to stream down his face.
“hyung… please, let me listen to you. for once, in my life, let me be the one who listens to you and takes care of you. you deserve so much more than what i offered you, so please let, in the last moments, let yourself be weak. you deserve it. so, i ask you again… please tell me?”
“what do you want me to tell you? that i’m prone to not live longer than i already have lived? that i have been in love for you for so long and tried to get over it? that i still love you so much and you caring in thsi moment means so much to me, even if i should be mad at you because you didn’t care before? is this what you want to hear? how i tried my best to protect you from my unworthy sad life, so you won’t deal with shit? that i cared so much about you that i forgot to care about myself and i let myself get to this point? this is what you want to hear?” changbin suddenly snapped and tried to wipe his tears with the back of his hand. “why are you only showing sympathy now? why did you never ask about my well being before? what stopped you? who stopped you? i wanted you to be my shoulder to cry on, but i knew i couldn’t do that to you. you were happy and i was not. i didn’t want to steal that from you.” changbin cried out.
“i’m sorry… i didn’t know… i wish i did…” was the only thing seungmin said. he wanted changbin to tell what was going through his mind, but he wasn’t aware of the fact that he maybe couldn’t handle it. it was so much to process, but he was trying his best. “i wish i did more for you… i didn’t consider your feelings once, but you also never let me consider them… i wish we weren’t like this… we did this to ourselves after all, didn’t we? i’m so sorry hyung… i… i’m sorry.”
“can you answer me something? but please, try to ignore this moment, what happened in the past few hours and just think of me how you thought before, okay?”
“okay.” seungmin answered, hesitant.
“i never stood a chance, did i?” changbin asked, with sadness obvious in his voice. he looked like he knew the answer will be ‘no, you didn’t’ and it was tearing him apart. it hurt seungmin, but he closed his eyes and took a deep breath before he opened them again and made eye contact with changbin. he smiled softly to the older.
“that’s the sad part… you did, once.” seungmin answered, a bittersweet feeling lingering between the two of them. changbin couldn’t believe his ears.
“i beg your pardon?”
“i know… it never seemed like that, but i did like you, more than a friend. i just didn’t know how to show it or what to say to you to express it. and i was living under the impression that you didn’t have any lingering romantic feelings for me, so i just buried my feelings and told myself i’m just impressed with you for not liking me. of course, i was lying to myself all along, but if i could go back and confess, i would. not because it just happens that we are at this moment in this situation. because it seems like the right thing. you deserved better. i should have known you do.”
changbin started to feel more and more close to the moment things will end, so he decided to ask one more question.
“will you hold my hand?”
seungmin was taken aback, but nodded immediately, moving closer with the chair and took changbin’s hand, interlacing their fingers together, rubbing his thumb against the older’s hand. the boy in the hospital bed felt a weird sense of calm overcoming him, so he weakly smiled at seungmin.
“i know it’s selfish to ask, but please don’t forget me, alright? and please try to listen to your heart every once in a while.” changbin spoke up and closed his eyes, enjoying the last moment of affection he received.
but before seungmin could even answer, the machine gave out a long, annoying and high ‘beep’. he was gone.
“i promise you won’t be forgotten. and i will try to listen to you more from now on. i love you and i’m sorry you couldn’t hear this while you were still breathing.” the younger quietly said, his world breaking apart quietly in that damned hospital room.