Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Dear Evan Hansen,

Today is going to be a good day and here's why.

Tears pricked at Evan's eyes. If today was going to be anything like yesterday, then the sentence he had just typed was a total lie.

He backspaced and took a deep breath.

Today is going to be horrible. You have to go to school, and deal with calculus, and school, and people, and Connor. Because yesterday, he took your letter. The one about Zoe.

No. He couldn't write any more about Zoe, because he still had to print the letter at school. And that meant Connor could read it. And that could mean a repeat of yesterday. No. No way could he do that again. Breathing shakily, he deleted the last sentence. And the one before that. And then he ended up deleting the whole paragraph, slamming his laptop shut and sliding off the bed.

He could breathe. He could do this. He could do this. He could do this.

Evan glanced down at his cast, where the bold, ugly, scrawl glared back at him. He sighed. Jared would never let him live this down.

--

Breathe, Evan, you can do this.

He walked down the corridor, avoiding everyone's gaze by staring at the floor. Unfortunately, that also meant he ended up walking into Alana Beck.

"Oh hey! Evan, right?" she practically yelled. At least, it felt that way to Evan.

"Y-yeah, that's m-me!" he replied, forcing a smile to his face. Well that's great, totally not weird at all.

Luckily, Alana didn't seem to care, as she surged forward. "Hi! I'm Alana, and I think you're in my AP Lit class. I don't know anyone in that class, and oh, how'd you break your arm?"

Evan tried to hide his wince, and chuckled awkwardly. "W-well it's a pretty funny story, actually, I-"

He was cut off as Alana started rambling on about some random family member of her's breaking a hip, and he let out a breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding. He let her ramble, only cutting her short when none other than Jared Kleinman approached them, his usual shit-eating grin plastered on his face.

"Sup, acorn!"

Evan frowned slightly. Acorn?

Jared sighed dramatically when he realised that Evan hadn't understood what in his eyes was a very comedic and well-thought out joke.

"Yknow, since you fell out of a tree?" he explained, nudging Evan's broken arm.

He did a double take, ignoring Evan's slight whimper of pain.

"Woah, woah, woah. You got that freak to sign your cast?" Jared scoffed, nudging Evan again. This time, Evan jumped away as if he'd been burned. He was vaguely aware that Alana had since left the conversation.

"I-I-I he, uh, he of-offered to s-sign," Evan couldn't think straight. Why had Connor Murphy, the school druggie, bothered to sign his cast? Evan didn't matter. He was a freak. Connor had said so himself. He was a freak who didn't matter and he was a burden to everyone and Jared only hung with him because they were family friends and and and and -

"So, how'd you break your arm?"

"I, uh, fell out of a tree."

"You fell out of a tree?"

"Acorn, are you okay? You look like you're hyperventilating."

Short, bark-like laughter. "Well that is just the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard."

"Evan, dude, seriously, are you alright?" Jared's voice held a note of concern.

"No one's signed your cast."

"N-no, I know."

"I'll sign it."

"Alright, Ev, four in, four out. Breathe with me." Evan was vaguely aware of a hand rubbing circles on his back.

"T-That's okay, you d-don't have t-to-"

"Got a Sharpie?"

And everything had gone to shit. Connor had taken his letter and started yelling, and he couldn't stand the yelling he could never stand the yelling he wanted it to stop because all he heard was Dad Dad Dad Dad Dad Dad Dad Dad-

"Ev? You're crying."

Evan sniffled and shuffled closer to where Jared sat beside him. Jared understood immediately, wrapping him up in his embrace as Evan's shoulders shook as sobs racked his body.

"Breathe, Evan. In...two...three...four, Out...two...three...four. In...two...three...four, Out...two...three...four."

Evan wasn't sure how much time had passed, him and Jared sitting on the floor of the deserted corridor, until he managed to slow and control his breathing to a regular pace. Luckily for the both of them, the corridor they were sitting in was deserted.

Except for one person.

Connor Murphy was standing about four feet away, staring at them.

--

So, Connor. The kid with the broken arm that you yelled at yesterday, oh and shoved, even though he has a broken arm, is sitting on the floor having an anxiety attack. And you probably caused it. No, wait, why would you be that important to some random kid? Yeah, that’s right, you don’t matter. You fuck everything up. Freak.

Connor supposed he looked angry, which is probably why both Hansen and Kleinman were staring back. He wasn’t, though. He was mostly just sad.

Do something, you useless piece of shit.

He found himself striding over to the shapes huddled on the floor, trying to ignore Evan's obvious flinch at his approach.

Freak.

“Sorry,” he spat out, and that was all he could manage before he ended up doing something stupid like crying.

Way to go, Connor, he probably thinks you’re an absolute weirdo. Not that he didn’t already. And you still have his stupid fucking letter, but you can’t go back now, because you’ll look stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

A part of him wanted to go back. Wanted to apologize, so he could be in control of at least just one of the shitty events in his life. Connor prepared to bury that part down, like he alwys did, because no-one cares, you’re just the freak school-shooter chic faggot kid with issues and you don’t matter. You don’t matter.

‘Oh,’ he thinks. ‘My cheeks are wet.’ And he couldn’t let anyone see he was crying, because the tough guy school druggie doesn’t cry, right? So he wiped the tears aggressively from his face as footsteps caught up to him.

“Fuck off, asshole,” were the first words to come out of his mouth, before he realised that it could’ve been Evan rather than Jared standing there and oh God did you really just tell Evan Hansen to fuck off.

“Hey, hey, man, calm the fuck down. I wasn’t gonna do anything.” Connor felt his face twisting in anger at being told to calm down So it was Kleinman, then.

“What do you want?” he snapped, avoiding eye contact, instead choosing to stare at his own hands, idly picking at his black nail polish.

“I, uh, wanted to apologize.”

Connor suddenly felt hot all over, anger washing over him. The kid had picked the wrong day to make fun of him. Connor found himself nose to nose with Jared as the latter was shoved into the nearby lockers, Connor’s hands tight in his shirt.

Connor snarled “Fuck you, Kleinman. Fuck you and your stupid ass fr-” he trailed off when he noticed Jared wasn’t looking at him, but rather, at his exposed wrists, as his jacket sleeve had pulled up slightly. Connor dropped Jared as though his hands had been burned, yanking down his sleeves way harder than necessary and shooting a glare at Jared, before running off and trying to ignore the tears that were now flowing freely down his cheeks.

Freak. Brat. Attention-seeker. Broken. Fucked up.

He was gasping, now, practically sprinting to his car, fumbling with his keys, collapsing into the driver’s seat. His hands began to scratch at his wrists, as the itch turned to a burn.

His shoulders shook and he drew his legs to his chest, rocking back and forth as hot tears spilled relentlessly from his eyes.

Look at you, crying alone in your car. What a disappointment. No wonder even your parents want you dead.

He cried harder. He really was alone. All alone.

--

Evan struggled to keep his breathing under control as he followed the taller boy to his car.. He had told himself this morning that he was going to get his letter back, and he’d be damned if it took him multiple panic attacks to go through with it. It was only when Connor slipped into a battered car that he realised the boy had been crying.

And then he proceeded to watch in horror, numb, as Connor Murphy, the guy no one dared to hold eye contact with, had a full blown panic attack.

He had no idea what to do. Sure, he had been on the receiving ends of countless panic attacks, but he had no clue how to help someone else with them. He ended up sitting in the passenger seat, trying not to make his fear evident. It was lucky Connor had his head buried in his knees, hair strewn out around him, looking so impossibly soft-

Evan froze. He was supposed to be helping the guy down from his panic attack, not thinking about his gorgeous hair, and ‘oh I wonder what it’d be like to run my hands through it?’

‘Stop it,’ Evan told himself firmly. ‘You need to help him.’

“C-can I touch y-you?” he asked, somewhat tentatively. Connor didn’t object, and ever so gently, Evan leaned across and took his hand. Connor’s eyes flicked to Evan’s face, wide and scared and oh so vulnerable as Evan interlaced their fingers, rubbing small circles with his thumb.

“L-look, Connor, I'm not the best at this, but you need to breathe. Try and look at me, okay, and I’ll breathe w-with you?”

They sat like this for a further 20 minutes, Evan’s hand not leaving Connor’s until he was completely sure that he had recovered completely.

--

The second that happened, Connor pulled his hand away, and hugged his knees, avoiding Evan’s stare.

“Sorry you had to see that,” he muttered again. Connor didn’t think he’d ever be able to look Evan in the eye again. Fuck, the boy had seen him cry. If he could help it, no-one saw him cry.

“S’okay,” he heard Evan whisper. “Actually, I, uh, I kind of f-followed you? To get- oh wait sorry that sounds really creepy and weird I’m sorry I’m not a stalker i promise i j-just need that letter? The one you took yesterday, it’s, well, I said it was for a project butitsnotineedthelettertobringtotherapy.”

Connor frowned. “Slow down a little, dude. I have just calmed down from a panic attack, so I’m not gonna be the best at understanding you if you talk a-mile-a-minute.”

“S-sorry.”

“You apologise a lot, y’know?” Connor leaned slightly towards the other boy, whose head was dipped in an effort to hide how red his face was. “And I have your weird therapy letter somewhere around here.”

“Oh, um, okay. S-”

Connor placed his hand over Evan’s. “Stop.”

“I- yeah.” Evan had yet to look at him properly.

“You want to say it again, don’t you.”

“Yes, very much so,” he mumbled.

Connor let out a soft laugh, entirely different to how he’d sounded when he was laughing about Evan’s arm. He coughed immediately after, drawing his hand away and turning to rummage in the car door.

“Here,” he said, thrusting the letter at Evan, who sat there, wide-eyed.

“Y-you still have it.”

“Yeah, didn’t I just say that?” Evan’s eyebrows shot up, and Connor resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

“Oh, yeah. S-sorry.”

Connor suppressed the laughter building up in him. Laughter? Twice in the space of 2 minutes? Weird. “Stop apologizing. I mean it, it’s annoying.”

He turned and smiled slightly at Evan, only to find the boy wasn’t looking at him. Shit.

“No, I, uh, i didn’t mean you’re annoying. Fuck. Um.”

“It's okay, I am.” Evan barely whispered.

“Sorry, what?”

“I said I am!” Evan winced at the sudden harshness of his own words. “Jared says so all the time.”

Connor leaned over, grabbing Evan’s uninjured arm, holding a sharpie. “Well fuck that asshole. Here, that’s my number. So you can, text me, or whatever.” He scrawled his number in that same sloppy scrawl on Evan’s hand.

“Oh, um, he’s not a total asshole? He, uh, he helps me when I freak out, and st-stuff.”

Connor did roll his eyes this time. “Yeah, right.”

“S-”

“No! I said, stop apologizing!”

“Right. Sorry.” Evan couldn’t suppress a giggle at the exasperated look Connor gave him.

“Well, text me? If you want?”

“Um, okay, sure. See you tomorrow, C-Connor.”

And just like that he was gone. Connor let out a frustrated sigh, resting his head against the steering wheel. He knew Evan wouldn't text. He would end up having an anxiety attack about it, or something.

That’s okay. He could deal with being alone for the next few hours until he was ready to try again.

Chapter Text

Connor tried to go straight to his bedroom, he really did. But when he found his dad blocking the stairs, there wasn’t much he could do.

“Move.” He snarled.

“Don’t talk to me like that.” He was shoved slightly, and the rage in his chest bloomed again.

“Explain why you’re home at 10:16am on a Tuesday.”

“Just. Fucking. Move.” Connor managed to get out, teeth gritted. His arms were itching again.

A higher pitched voice danced down airily from the kitchen. “Connor, language!”

Connor didn’t know what he did or said after that, but he knew that it involved a lot of shouting, swearing, death threats, and a desire to slam his bedroom door closely shut behind him.

Oh wait, that’s right. He didn’t have a door anymore. Ever since Larry had walked in on him hacking at his wrists with a craft knife, they had taken it away. Cynthia had said it was because she wanted him to get better. Zoe had laughed, bitterly. She didn’t know why he didn’t have a door any more, and was probably too scared to ask. Larry had said maybe if he didn’t pull stupid attention-seeking stunts like that, he’d still have a door.

Well. If he didn’t do it now, when would he? Connor walked over to his desk, hands already scratching at his arms, opening up old cuts. Great. Now there was blood dripping on the floor. Just fucking wonderful.

He ransacked his desk, not even trying to be quiet. Sketchbooks, nail polish, random sheets of paper, were all flung to the floor. But the little bottle of pills wasn’t there.

Fuck.

“FUCK!” Connor wanted to yell in frustration until his throat was sore, so he did. He wanted to scratch at his arms until they were bleeding and every last wound was open, so he did. He wanted to die.

But he didn’t. He couldn’t. There was a lock on his window. There were no sharp objects in his room. His secret pill stash was gone. His light fixture was too weak to hold his weight.

He didn’t want to feel, didn’t want to acknowledge the rage and fear and guilt and self-hatred and overwhelming sadness that was eating him up from the inside. So far, the only effective method of drowning that all out was getting high, but of course, of-fucking-course, he had just finished his stash. He grabbed a pillow and screamed into it until his throat burned and his eyes were dry and it still wasn’t enough.
--

“Mom! I’m home!”

Evan sighed, knowing that it was pointless. Heidi had been working nights for three days straight, he wasn’t gonna see her anytime soon. On the counter lay a note, aside a 20 dollar bill.

Money for takeout.

Love, Mom xx

This time she didn’t even bother asking how he was. Evan blinked back tears. It was nothing big, but it made him feel so alone. He didn’t like being alone. Wait, no. He hated being alone.

After walking around the house for twenty minutes stressing about ordering takeout, he eventually decided he was gonna skip dinner for tonight and hole up in his room

He tried texting Jared, but was met with no response. And then he remembered Connor’s number, stark against his pale hand.

to: connor murphy
Hey, this is Evan. You gave me youre number?
**Your
This is probably gonna sound weird, but do u wanna mayb hang out?
Ofc its cool if you don’t!!!! I was just asking.

He put his phone down on his desk and tended to the small succulent Jared had gotten him a few years back. It was still going strong, thanks to Evan being very careful. A second later, his phone lit up with a message.

from: connor murphy
hi
i think i’m grounded but i can sneak out while my parents eat

Evan frowned.

to: connor murphy
You wont get in troubel??
**trouble

from: connor murphy
i’m always in trouble lmao
also if i’m coming over i need ur address

to: connor murphy
Oh right yeah of course

Evan sent his address, receiving a thx :) omw in response. He didn’t want to text Connor if Connor was driving, so he didn’t bother replying to that last message.

--

About 15 minutes later, Connor had pulled up outside. He hadn’t seen the point in changing. He managed to escape under the cover of another of Larry and Cynthia’s shouting matches, jumping in the car and driving off as fast as he could.

Evan opened the door, now wearing a large grey sweatshirt and black sweatpants.

“Oh, hi! Uh, it’s not, much, but… Sorry! Why don’t you just come in.”

He led the way into the living room.

Connor broke the awkward silence as they both stood there, unsure of what to do.

“Did you eat?”

Evan fidgeted with the hem of his sweatshirt. “N-no, I wasn’t hungry, actually.” He swallowed. “Did you want anything?”

Sensing his discomfort, Connor bit back a sarcastic retort, instead responding “Nah, I’m good.”

“O-Okay then.”

They both made a move to the couch, but stopped at the same time. God, this was so painfully awkward. Connor ended up sitting down first, and Evan tentatively placed himself next to him.

“S-so, um, how’s Zoe?”

Of course. He should've known that Evan wasn’t here for him. He just wanted to lay his fucking sister. Because why would Connor ever be important to anyone? All you do is fuck up.

Connor dug his nails into his palms and closed his eyes in an effort not to lose it completely. “So that’s what you want with me.”

Evan jumped up, startled. “N-no, of course not! That’s not what I meant I swear!”

It was too late. Connor knew where he wasn’t wanted. “Fuck you, Hansen.”
“I’m sorry I really did wan-”

“Shut up. Shut the FUCK up.” Connor was breathing heavily now. “Get away from me.”

Evan still hovered over him. “Connor, are you al-”

Next thing he knew, Evan was against the nearest wall, Connor’s hand around his throat. “I said, get away from me.”

Evan’s eyes were wide. He didn’t flinch at all when Connor raised a fist, his face blank and tired and ready for the hit. He knew better than to fight back.

Connor launched himself back, away from Evan, his hands flying to his mouth. “Shit shit shit Ev I’m so sorry I don’t know wh-”

“Bathroom,” Evan chokes out, before running for it.

--

Evan sat with his back to the door, trembling. It was his fault. He had provoked Connor. He really didn't want Connor to leave him; he had thought they’d had a chance at becoming friends. And he had messed up, by mentioning Zoe, who he wasn't even sure he liked anymore.

Shit. Connor probably thought Evan was a pussy. He certainly thought Evan was a freak. But Evan didn’t want him to leave, because even as he was being slammed against a wall he could see the fear in Connor’s eyes. He could see how vulnerable and hurt Connor had looked. It was a look he was familiar with; one he’d seen many times on his own face in the mirror.

to: connor murphy
Please dont leave?
I’ll be out in a sec
I’m sorry

Evan saw his text had been read, and sat, waiting for a reply. Nothing came.

--

Well done. You’ve already fucked up your one chance at actually having a friend.

Connor paced around the living room in an effort to slow his thoughts, but his mind was full of white noise.

He wanted to cry. He wanted someone to hold him. He wanted someone to tell him that it was okay, that he was okay, that he wasn’t a horrible person, that he deserves to live.
He got none of that. Instead, he got gut-wrenching guilt, painfully scratched arms, and a boy crying in a toilet.

from: evan hansen
Please dont leave?
I’ll be out in a sec
I’m sorry

He perched back on the couch. This time, he couldn’t help it when the tears started to flow, beacuse Evan Hansen was so fucking nice, and he didn’t deserve nice, because he wasn’t nice, he was the total opposite. And he didn’t deserve someone like Evan, who apologized for being shoved into a wall. Fuck, he didn’t deserve anything.

Just then, he heard the toilet flush. The tears weren’t stopping anytime soon though, so he just sat there and waited to be told to leave.

He didn’t look up when Evan walked back into the room, just stared at a spot on the floor. The room was silent save for his sniffles. He fully expected to be kicked out of the house and never spoken to again.

So when Evan sat down right next to him and reached for his hand, it was fair to say his sniffles exploded into full on sobbing.

“Hey, Connor, c’mere,” Evan’s voice was soft as he guided Connor’s head onto his shoulder, and Connor cried and cried and cried until his face was sticky.

“I’m sorry for bringing Zoe up.”

Connor chanced a look at him. Evan’s eyes, like his, were red and puffy from crying, and it broke his heart just a little.

You slammed him into a wall and he’s apologizing? God, Connor, get it together.

“No, Ev, you had every right to.” he mumbled. Ev? Where had that come from? “I’m sorry, I- ...things have been bad at home and I took it out on you. I’m sorry.”

What he expected then was to be told he wasn’t welcome anymore. What he didn’t expect was to be pulled into an awkward side hug, Evan’s arm now hooked around his waist. His soft voice floated over him.

“Wanna talk about it?”
Connor shook his head vehemently. He just wanted to stop thinking. “Evan?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you talk to me? Like, I don’t know, talk about trees or something.” Connor found the arm around him being pulled away momentarily.

“I- uh, okay.” Connor took Evan’s hand, and avoided his gaze. “Go on.”

Evan’s voice lit up, as did his face, while he rambled on about giant sequoias. Every so often, he would stop, and apologize for being uncool and boring, and Connor would laugh, and assure him that he was very much interested.

The thing is, he wasn’t lying. Listening to Evan talk about trees made him feel...safe. He could forget about everything and just think about green leaves and dark forests.

They ended up watching Bob Ross videos on Netflix, because Connor used to love them, and he had a feeling Evan would love Bob Ross painting scenic tree landscapes.Sure enough, Evan was captivated, and would exclaim at the screen every 5 minutes;

“Look, Connor, how does he do that?”

“That tree looks so real!”

And Connor would laugh and tell him to shush, but you could see his eyes smiling.

Is this what it feels like to have a friend?

Chapter Text

from: connor murphy
you free after skl

to: connor murphy
Yeah arent u coming over?

from: connor murphy
got smwhere i wanna show u

to: connor murphy
Okay

Evan didn’t see Connor around school very often, and when he did, they just sort of nodded at each other and went their separate ways. However, Connor would almost always end up at Evan’s house after school. Jared had been quick to pick up on this.

“Well, didn’t know you liked bad boys.”

Evan jumped, having been cornered by his locker. He looked up and sighed as soon as he realised it was only Jared. “S-shut up, Jared. It’s not l-like that.”

Jared clapped a hand down on Evan’s arm, grinning. “No judgements here, man. Is this the reason you’ve been blanking on your best friend recently? Banging the wannabe school shooter?”

He blinked. Best friend? Evan didn’t have any friends. “Who?”

“Who else in the school looks like a wannabe school shooter?” asked Jared, eyebrows raised.

“N-no, I mean, the b-best friend part.”

“Me, dumbass.” What? But they were family friends, Jared insisted upon that. Jared was only using him for car insurance, right? Right?

“I- you don’t like me.” Evan was torn between guilt, confusion and anger. “You said you only hang out with me for c-car insurance.”

It was Jared who blinked this time. “Dude, you know I’m joking, right?”

“N-no?”

“Oh. Well, shit.” Evan wanted to scream. All this time he’d believed that Jared was only hanging out with him because he felt obligated to. Realisation dawned over his face.

“Wait, s-so… your camp friends?”

Jared practically yelled. “Dude! No, they’re real, I swear.”

“Hmm...okay.” Evan held back his laughter at Jared’s wild-eyed expression. “Sure.”

“Shut up.” Jared was growing redder by the second. “Go do whatever it is that you do with Mr. Emo Psycho after school.”

“Jared, it’s not like that! Anyway, the first time he came over he y-yelled and slammed me into a w-wall, so… I don’t really know if we’re f-friends or not.”

“Kinky.”

“Jared!” Evan was blushing now. “We just hang out and watch Netflix, that’s it I swear!”

Jared furrowed his brow. “Wait, why was he yelling at you?”

“I, uh, I-I might’ve mentioned Z-Zoe?”

This drew a shout of laughter from Jared, and he proceeded to bow repeatedly at Evan, who didn’t look impressed. “Well congratulations, Murphy-fucker!”

“Jared!” he hissed again. “I’m not- I’m not even friends with him! Why would I want to-”

Evan cut himself off. Across the hall, Connor didn’t move, scratching his hands and staring at Evan with pain in his eyes. He seemed on the brink of tears, but then as he noticed Evan’s eyes on him, his look hardened, and he turned away.

--

Why would you ever let yourself believe you’d made a friend? It’s not like the two of you ever spoke about anything important. He was just putting up with you. Fuck, he’s probably scared of you. That’s the only reason he ever agreed to any of this, idiot.

Connor was now sitting under the tree just to the side of the high school building. It was a popular weed spot until he started frequenting the place and bam, no-one wanted to hang out there anymore. Go figure.

He took out a small watercolor set that he kept in his messenger bag as well as a sketchbook, and started to paint, watching the way the paint bled softly on the pages. He wasn’t trying to capture anything in particular, content to watching the paint flow. You could say that this was one of his better coping mechanisms. Watery paint flowing rather than blood.

Connor lost himself in the soft curves of his paintbrush; a rarity. He hadn’t been this focused in a long time considering the noises beating in his brain. Which is why, when a figure dropped to the grass beside him, he didn’t notice them for several minutes. He was engrossed in his painting.

As softly as possible, Evan whispered, “Hey.”

Connor’s head snapped up.

“What.” He spat out the word as though it were poison.

Just like that, the easy atmosphere they usually slipped into around each other was gone, and Connor almost wanted to apologize. For what exactly, he didn’t know. Don’t bother. He doesn’t actually care.

“I-I j-just w-wanted t-to s-say-”

Wow, look at that. He’s stuttering so much he can barely get his words out. That’s how fucking scary you are. That’s what you’ve pressured him into.

Connor’s hands were shaking. He couldn’t hear Evan’s voice above his own, only his voice wasn’t speaking aloud.

“...Connor?”

“I said, what. What do you want.” It didn’t come out as a question.

He felt, rather than saw, the smaller boy shrinking away from him. Way to go, Connor.

“I-”

“Why are you here?” Oh, great. Now his voice was shaking too.

"A-are y-you okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

Evan shifted closer. Goddamnit.

"I j-just thought- "

"I don't give a shit about what you think, Hansen."

"Wh-"

Connor was on his feet now, shoving his paints and sketchbook back into his bag unceremoniously with shaking hands.

"You don't have to pretend you like me. It is pretty damn obvious that you're just scared."

"I'm not s-scare-"
“Bullshit. All I do is scare people away.” He wasn’t sure why he was still standing there, explaining himself to Evan. What was the point? According to everyone, all he was good for was smoking weed.

“Y-you don’t s-scare me.”

Connor let out a harsh laugh. “Hansen, you can barely speak for stuttering.” At this, he lurched forward, and cackled when Evan flinched. “See? Terrified.”

--

Evan was used to being degraded to the scaredy-cat, the shy boy, the anxious quiet weirdo. He didn’t ever bother explaining, because who wants to hear the words “I have a high-functioning anxiety disorder”? That would be instant social suicide- not that Evan was capable of anything else, even without mentioning his anxiety.

But Connor? Blaming Evan’s anxiety entirely on himself? Well, that was certainly new. Evan was so used to taking the blame for everything, coming down hard on himself for every minor inconvenience.

Well, fuck it. He figured that if Connor was just as ready as him to blame everything on himself, maybe they weren’t so different.

“C-Connor, I’m not scared of you. I have a high-functioning anxiety disorder.” Deep breath. “I stutter around everyone, even Jared, who I’ve known practically since I was born.”

Connor was silent now, staring at him with a strange look. Oh God oh fuck what have I done he’ll never be friends with me now.

Please say something come on this is weird what have I done great I'm definitely sweating now and my hands are all sweaty and what if he grabs my hand again like last time and then runs away because it's so sweaty wait no I don't need to worry about that because he's not gonna hold my hand because he hates me why am I thinking about Connor Murphy holding my hand that's weird Jared would definitely think it's weird get it together Evan oh God he asked if I was free after school why would he do that he thinks I’m a complete weirdo what if he takes me to the woods and murders me well not a bad way to go at least I’d be surrounded by trees oh my god why am i thinking about trees I should be thinking about Connor and how he absolutely definitely hates me and

"Please would you just say something," Evan spat out, only it sounded more like "pleasewouldyoujustsaysomething".

"You didn't stutter at all when you said that."

Evan blinked. Of all the things he was expecting Connor to say, that certainly wasn’t one of them.

“I d-didn’t?” he stuttered. Wow.

Thankfully, Connor didn’t acknowledge what Evan had just said, instead redirecting the conversation to the very area that Evan had been worrying about.

“Are you still free after school?”

What? Evan thought. How can he just blatantly ignore what I’ve just said and carry on as though nothing had happened?

“I-yeah.”

“Cool. Meet by my car at 3:45.” And with that, he walked away, leaving Evan staring at his hands, thoroughly confused.

“Wait! Wh-Where are we going?”

“Surprise!” Connor called back. Sigh. Wonderful.

--

God, Connor, you didn’t even apologise! You just called him out on his stuttering, gave him a weird look that he had definitely noticed, and offered to meet him after school. He probably thinks you’re going to kill him.

Connor had decided that there was no point going to class if he was just gonna spend the whole time stressing about Evan and their meeting after school.

Why do you care so much? He doesn’t. Connor sighed to himself, taking a drag from his cigarette. He was now camped behind the bike sheds, reading the book they’d been assigned in AP literature and trying to silence his all-consuming thoughts. Most of which were about Evan.

Maybe he’d like the place Connor was gonna take him too. Maybe he wouldn’t look at Connor in disgust and ask to leave. Maybe they’d hold hands. Maybe they’d talk.

Connor didn’t believe in a single one of those maybe’s.

Chapter Text

Evan had just left his last class of the day, after a hasty yet unavoidable discussion with Mr Forbes about his arm. He walked over to what he recognised as Connor’s car. He had to admit, he didn’t hold high hopes for wherever Connor was taking him.

“Hey,” Connor greeted him as he slid nervously into the passenger seat.

“Hi.” Evan squeaked nervously. The inside of the car was surprisingly clean. He reached over to grab his seatbelt, only for his hand to clutch at empty air, and he heard Connor chuckle.

“Why d-doesn’t your car have any s-seatbelts?” Evan exclaimed, eyebrows raised.

“Dunno.”

Evan’s eyes widened even further. “J-just, drive safe, okay?”

“Okay.” Connor’s grin widened as he threw the car violently into reverse, eliciting a worried “Connor!” from Evan’s lips.

It was only as they were speeding away from school did it fully hit Evan how strange this all was. Connor came round to his house almost every day after school, and he wasn’t about to dispute that, because he had gathered from what little information that Connor had given him that Connor’s home life wasn’t exactly...pleasant.

But that was the thing. He hardly knew anything about Connor, and he was pretty sure Connor didn’t know much about him, either. They could hardly be counted as friends if all they did was watch Netflix in near silence together. So Connor offering to surprise Evan was reasonably shocking.

“Are you gonna tell me where we’re going?”

“Nope,” replied Connor. “Want to put on music?”

“Y-you won’t like it?”

Evan could feel Connor staring at him. “How do you know what I like?”

He closed his eyes momentarily. “I-I d-don’t.”

“Exactly. So put something on.”

--

Connor couldn’t stop himself from looking at Evan now that he was asleep. Evan had ended up playing some old Blondie songs which they both had fun dancing to until Evan had announced that he was tired, and promptly fell asleep. Just like that. Connor wished he could’ve said he wasn’t jealous.

Evan was leaning against the window, and Connor had taken to driving slowly so as to not wake him up. Seriously though, who falls asleep on a half hour drive? Evan Hansen, apparently. Evan Hansen, who Connor barely knew. Evan Hansen, who Connor was taking to his favourite spot in the world. Evan Hansen, who supposedly had a crush on his fucking sister.

Connor tried to push the idea of Evan liking Zoe out of his head, but the doubt was still there. Why is he hanging out with you? Why is he agreeing to let you take him places, even if the place in question is nowhere near Zoe? Why does he look so adorable when he’s asleep? Connor froze. No. He wasn’t going to address that last thought. Or any of them, actually. They could wait until later, until he was alone in his bedroom, far far away from anyone to hurt except himself.

He cleared his throat as they pulled over next to a chain-link fence. “Ev?” Connor’s eyes widened. Ev? Where had that come from?

“Uh, Evan? We’re here.” A smile crossed his lips as Evan yawned and groaned, rubbing sleepily at his eyes. That smile soon turned into uncontrollable laughter as Evan sat up, looked him dead in the eye with a lazy smile, and said. “Fuck, I’m tired.”

Evan’s subsequent bemused, still half-asleep expression did nothing to alleviate Connor’s amusement. “Y-you swore,” he managed to choke out between chuckles.

“Hm?” Connor only laughed harder. “Where are we, Connor?”

“Come out and I’ll show you.”

“A-alright.” Evan stepped gingerly out of the car, following Connor to where he stood in front of the metal fence. “Isn’t this trespassing?”

“It’s not trespassing if you don’t get caught, Hansen,” replied Connor swinging himself over the fence with ease. He grinned at the other boy through the fence. Grinning. Like, actually smiling. That’s new, Connor.

And for the first time, Connor ignores the thought, focusing instead on the comical sight of Evan dropping over a fence. How Evan landed on Connor’s feet with a soft thud, groaning. How it made Connor light up with laughter all over again. God, he was grinning like an absolute idiot.

"Cmon," he said, pulling Evan up and running with him through the fields. They winded up collapsed in a tall patch of grass, apple trees swaying above them, both of them giddy with laughter.

--

Evan could almost feel Connor breathing, heavy and fast from the running. It took him a few moments to notice that their hands were still interlaced.

He started and immediately dropped Connor's hand, blushing. Connor didn't say anything. Was that good or bad?

"C-Connor?"

"Hm?"

Evan desperately tried to come up with something to talk about.

"I-uh-um… Nothing."

He could feel Connor looking at him.

"Nothing." Connor repeated.

"Y-yeah. N-nothing. Um."

Evan's face flushed. This was weird. He was weird.

"Evan?"

"Hm?"

"Tell me about trees."

Oh. I can do this. "Well, um, on the Indonesian island Tana Toraja, if a baby dies before he starts teething, the family cuts a hole in a tree and places the dead child inside, and, wait, sorry this isn’t really a fact about trees? I-it's more just t-tree-related, um, s-sorry, -”

Connor smiled at him. “No, go on, I want to hear about what happens to the child.”

“Uhm, so, basically, the tree grows around them? And-”

“Wait, wait. Don’t tell me, the tree eats the dead baby?”
“No, Connor! No, no it just, kinda, absorbs it? I don’t know…”

Connor was struggling to hold in his laughter. Evan hit him.

“It’s not funny! We’re talking about dead babies here!”

“At least they got to die early.”

“Yep. lucky them.”

Wait, what?

--

Connor lay on his back. Evan was beside him, about a hand-width away.

“Lucky them?” he whispered, ever so softly. He wasn’t sure if Evan heard him. Judging by his silence, he probably hadn’t.

So Connor rolled over to face Evan, who was staring straight at the sky. “Evan?”

“Hm?”

“You said-” Gathering from the way Evan was pointedly ignoring him, he didn’t really want to say anything more. “Okay.” Connor added, his voice small and defeated.

Connor rolled onto his back again so he didn’t have to look at Evan. The boy didn’t want to be here, that much was clear. He didn’t want to be here with Connor.

“I didn’t fall.”

It was a whisper, and Connor wouldn’t have heard it if he wasn’t listening so closely. The fuck does that mean?

“What?” Connor rolled over to find Evan’s face an inch away from his. Evan closed his eyes for just a moment, but Connor didn’t miss it. He doesn’t want to look at you.

He doesn’t want to be here.

Connor stood up. “I’m going,” he announced, striding back the way they came. He could feel anger brimming up in him, and it took his best efforts to quench the feelings down. He would not, could not, have a breakdown in front of Evan.

He heard Evan say “wait,” and ignored him. Evan said it quietly enough that he could always pretend he hadn’t heard. Connor climbed into his car, focused on holding the steering wheel as tightly as possible as he drove off, his thoughts too deafening to try and decipher.

He was about 10 minutes away from the orchard when his head cleared enough to remember Evan. Who he had left. Alone. With no way to get home.

Connor didn’t hesitate as he slammed on the brakes, turned the car around, and sped off back towards the orchard.

There were tear tracks lining his cheeks.
--

What did I do? What did I say? I’m such a mess. I’m an idiot. I’m broken. I drove him away. I drive everyone away.

Evan was sat against one of the apple trees, knees drawn up as he rocked back and forth, sobbing.

I’m going to die.

His face was red from crying. He couldn't breathe.

I’m going to die.

He heard a voice yell his name. He convinced himself it was his brain, because who would come to get him? Who did he matter to?

I’m going to die.

“Evan!”

I’m going to die. I’m going to die. I’m going to die.

“...Evan?”

He let out a strangled sob and buried his head further into his knees. He could feel Connor’s eyes on him. I’m such a fucking freak.

Connor had left him. And now he was back, holding Evan’s hand, like everything was normal. Well, as normal as it could get while someone is trying to bring you down from an intense panic attack.

God, he was a mess.

Chapter Text

It wouldn’t be exaggerating to say that Connor had absolutely no idea what to do. He managed to push aside all of his intrusive thoughts in favour of the crying boy in front of him.

Connor found himself crouching in front of Evan, talking. "It's alright, Evan, I'm here, I'm right here." Over and over.

He was already holding Evan's hand, but he gently whispered, "Can I touch you?", just as Evan had done for him. He thought he could make out a small nod through Evan's incessant rocking, and immediately pulled the boy close to his chest, falling backwards so they were laying back on the grass, Evan's weight on Connor's.

Evan clung to him like a lifeboat, burying his head in Connor's shoulder as he cried himself down from his panic attack. He felt Evan's heartbeat start to slow, matching the steady thumping rhythm of Connor's.

After about half an hour, Evan's erratic breathing finally returned to normal. At this point, they were back in a sitting position, Evan still clasped between Connor's arms.

"I-I-I'm s-s-sorry C-Connor, I-I-I,"

Connor felt his heart break a little at Evan's voice. That was the most he had ever heard Evan stutter; the smaller boy could barely get his words out. All your fault. This is all your fault.

"Let's get you home."

--

Evan thought that this was quite possibly the very worst car journey he had endured in his life.

Connor wasn't looking at him. To make it worse, the car was utterly silent, save for the constant drumming of Connor's fingers at the wheel. They were parked sloppily on the sidewalk outside Evan’s house. Neither of them made any move to leave the car.

I have to say something.

“C-Connor, I-”

“If you’re going to apologise, then save your fucking breath.”

Evan stared at him. At how his jaw was clenched, at how his knuckles were turning white against the steering wheel. At the tears that threaten to spill from his eyes.

“Connor.”

“I sai-”

“Connor,” Evan repeated dumbly, not tearing his gaze away. He fought the urge to grab Connor’s hand. “C-Come inside.”

“I-What?” Finally, finally, Connor was looking at him properly. Evan had trouble placing the look in his eyes.

“Come inside.”

“Okay,” Connor whispered, small and defeated. "Okay."

They went inside. They sat on the couch and put on Netflix. Connor shrugged when asked what he wanted to watch, so Evan settled for Blue Planet.

The tension in the room was unbearable.

It’s me. I’m making it awkward. I should say something. Or not.

No. I have to say something.

Evan watched how Connor fiddled distractedly with the hem of his hoodie. He took note of the boy’s chipped black nail polish, his spidery hands constantly moving. He noticed how every so often, Connor would subconsciously run his hand along his right arm, dragging his nails across the fabric of the hoodie. His eyes flicked up towards Connor’s face.

He started when Connor turned to look directly at him.

The words tumbled out. Evan wished he had a zipper on his mouth.

“Oh-oh my god, I-I’m so so so sorry I was watching you and that sounds really creepy and weird I’m sorry for being so weird! You probably don’t want to be here I’m sorry you can go you don’t have to feel obliged to hang out with me I know how weird I am I’m very weird I’m s-

His rambling was cut short.

"Evan."

"Y-Yeah?"

"You're not weird. And I should be the one apologising."

"No, I-"

"No, Evan, stop. I was an absolute asshole. I left you in the orchard. And you had a panic attack. And I am so, so sorry. And… and I understand if you don't want to hang out with me anymore."

Connor's eyes were tightly shut. Evan furrowed his brow.

"Wh-What- Why wouldn't I want to hang out with you anymore?"

Connor seemed at a loss for words.

"Connor, you're my bes- my only friend. And you just apologised. That's more than Jared's ever done, and I've known him my whole life."

Connor frowned. Evan felt his heart sink.

Oh God what did I say?

"Jared's never apologised to you?"

"Uh...no?" Evan didn't see what was so remarkable about the fact. Jared was Jared, after all.

“Asshole.”

Evan visibly relaxed. Connor was acting like Connor again. “Yeah.”

“No, Ev, say it.”

“What?”

“Say Jared Kleinman’s an asshole and he doesn’t deserve you.”

“Wha- But- I’ve known him for so long and he helps me when I freak out and-” Evan spluttered.

“Evan, if I can apologise to you, then so can he. And he hasn’t. Say it.”

“I-”

“Say it.” Connor’s eyes were on him now, unblinking and relentless in their gaze. Evan swallowed.

“J-Jared’s an asshole,” he got out.

“And he doesn’t deserve you,” repeated Connor firmly.

“And- and-” I can’t say that. I can’t say something that isn't true. I’m not worth anything.

“You are amazing, Evan. Jared doesn’t deserve you. Hell, I don’t deserve you. I’m not worth your time. Yet here you are,” said Connor gently.

The words you are amazing you are amazing you are amazing you are amazing played on a loop in Evan’s head. Amazing. Connor said that he was amazing. That didn’t mean it was true, but still. It was the only compliment he had ever gotten that hadn’t come from his own mother.

Evan took a deep breath. “And he doesn’t deserve me.”

“Good.” Connor turned back to the TV.

Huh. Weird.

--

Connor made a point of not looking at Evan after that. He stared straight at the TV screen, occasionally making a few sarcastic comments on the documentary they were now watching. Evan felt a million miles away on the other end of the sofa, and Connor couldn’t tell whether or not his laughter was forced. Which meant it probably was.

“I, uh...D-D’you want something to eat?”

Connor could feel Evan looking at him again. By now, he’d probably caught on that Connor was avoiding eye contact at all costs. Whatever.

“Nah.”

“O-Okay.”

Jesus, why couldn’t Evan stop looking at him? The feeling of being watched was overwhelming, and it was taking all of Connor’s resolve not to snap. He’s probably thinking that he’s disgusted to have you in his house. He’s so goddamn revolted by what he sees that he can’t tear his eyes away.

“C-Connor?” The voice was gentle, gentle enough that he could pretend he hadn’t heard. Just like he’d done at the orchard. Jesus, you’re an asshole.

Evan tried again, a little louder this time. Connor still didn’t react. He didn’t know why. It was obvious he could hear.

Connor forced himself to ignore the small sigh that escaped from Evan’s lips. He was all for continuing the charade, pretending he cared about some stupid documentary and doing anything but looking at Evan, until there were soft hands tugging at his own.

“St-stop. You’re h-hurting yourself.”

Connor looked down at his cuticles, raw and bloody from where he had been pulling at them. His hands looked gangly and awkward next to Evan’s. Of course he had perfect fucking hands, on top of everything else.

“Connor, look at me.”

He was shaking, he realised. He was practically vibrating with tension, the urge to scream, to shout, to break every vase in sight, oozing out of him in waves. Evan moved his hands away. Connor closed his eyes.

--

Why isn’t he looking at me?

Evan almost never voiced his true thoughts aloud. So it was an immense surprise to himself when the words flew out of his mouth.

“Why aren’t you looking at me?”

Evan swore he saw Connor’s jaw clench. His heart clenched slightly with it. No answer.

He tried again. He barely managed to utter “C-Connor-”, when he was interrupted by a key in the door.

Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit.

Evan fixed an expression of neutrality on his face, barely masking the hurt in his eyes. Connor stared pointedly at the floor, picking at his nails.

“Don’t,” Evan repeated softly, catching hold of one of Connor’s hands again, heart falling to pieces, because his only friend was ignoring him.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. He’s not my friend, why would he be? He doesn’t even like me, and who would? I’m a mess. I’m an anxious, jittery, mess, and now my mum is home and she’s going to make everything worse and act so proud because wow, I’ve finally made a friend! I’m pathetic.

--

“H-hi M-mom, this is C-Connor and-” Evan had a smile plastered on his face now, and Connor would be lying if he said he couldn’t place the expression Evan couldn’t quite mask, lingering in his eyes.

Hurt. Confusion. Anger. Betrayal.

Sadness.

“Oh, sweetie, that’s wonderful! You brought a friend home!”

Connor stole a glance at Evan now that he was facing his mom. The poor guy was trembling. He practically radiated anxiety.

“Y-yeah, um, so-” Evan paused to wave a hand erratically in his general direction. This was the part where normal people stood up and introduced themselves, Connor realised.

Connor proceeded to stand up and introduce himself. He was awkward and stunted, but thanks to Mrs Hansen’s superhuman ability to hold conversation, it wasn’t entirely painful.

“Oh, Connor, love, just call me Heidi. Are you staying for dinner?” The smile on her face was strained, and he didn’t miss how her eyes kept flicking towards the clock. He gathered she probably had a shift.

“Actually, I-” Stopped himself. He really did not want to go home just yet to face his parents, not after today. Evan must’ve realised, because he stepped in quickly, saying,

“Actually, Mom, I-I was thinking of Connor s-staying the night? If that’s o-okay.”

Connor’s jaw dropped. Both figuratively and literally. He hadn't expected Evan to go that far. Staying for dinner, sure, but overnight? That was a little bold, even for Connor.

It was too late to say no though, despite a sudden urge to laugh in Evan's face, but he couldn't, because the kid was so goddamn nice, and he'd immediately regret it after anyway. Fuck it.

“Yeah, alright,” he said nonchalantly, tossing his hair over his shoulder.

“Great! Well, I’ll be out of your hair soon.” Heidi strode over to Evan, kissing him firmly on both cheeks.

“Mom-”

“I am so, so, so, proud of you.” Connor didn’t miss the way Evan shifted uncomfortably as his whole face turned a flaming red.

“Love you, mom,” he mumbled, clearly trying to get her to leave. Heidi took the hint, flashed one last smile in Connor’s direction, and left as quickly as she had come.

The door slammed, and there was silence.

--

What now? What do I do? What do normal seventeen-year-olds do on sleepovers? Is it even called a sleepover or is that just for kids?

Thankfully, Connor suggested in flat tones that they could watch Netflix, “or something.” Evan nodded gratefully at the suggestion and sat on the couch next to Connor, only the couch was more of a loveseat, so they ended up shoulder-to-shoulder, steadfastly ignoring each other and watching some old episodes of Modern Family.

Evan didn’t want to ignore Connor. But Connor was most definitely blanking him, and he didn’t want to make things any more awkward than they already were by going against Connor’s wishes.

The silence was broken unexpectedly by Connor. Evan fully expected him to go off on a rant about what a terrible person Evan was and how much he hated being here. Instead, he was met with,

“So, where am I gonna sleep?”

Not very exciting, but still better than the fit of rage Evan had been picturing. Even if it did induce anxiety-filled rocket fuel into his system as he realised, he had no idea where Connor was going to sleep.

He could offer his bed, which was a modest queen-size and quite comfortable, but that would leave Evan with the floor. He couldn’t offer Connor the floor, because what kind of hospitable host offers their guest the floor?

They could always share the bed, but what if Connor thought that was weird? Evan hadn’t told Connor he was bi, and he was sure that if Connor knew it would make the whole situation worse. And decidedly more awkward.

“Hey, Ev. Evan? Earth to Eeeevan?” Connor said, waving his hand in front of Evan’s face. He blinked.

“Oh- uh, um well I- you could-”

Evan was stuttering again, badly, and he could tell that Connor had picked up on his heightened anxiety levels when he felt his hand being grabbed and squeezed, tight tight tight, until he was grounded again and his head had stopped spinning.

Still didn’t solve the whole sleeping problem, though.

"Uh, you can share my b-bed? It's a d-double s-so it's quite b-big, and I'd rather neither of us s-slept on the f-floor, so…"

Evan trailed off.

"Yeah, sounds good."

Phew.

--

"S-so, uh, this is my bedroom. It's… not much…"

It was a couple of hours later, and after a very awkward exchange between Evan and the delivery person, they had eaten pizza and had now migrated to Evan’s room. Connor had almost thought about going to the door to get the pizzas, but eventually decided against it.

It’s not like you’re capable of doing anything nice, anyway.

Connor looked around the room. It was slightly smaller than his, but had the advantage of a double bed, over which lay a light gray comforter and an old laptop. The desk was meticulously clean; piles of papers sat in a black organiser and pencils were stored neatly in a couple of generic pencil pots. A lamp shaped like a cactus (Connor had to admit, that was pretty goddamn adorable) sat upon the desk, and there was a small collection of succulents on the windowsill.

It was very...Evan.

“No, it’s nice. I like the plants,” said Connor, for lack of anything else to say. Something dawned on him. “I don’t have anything to sleep in.”

"Oh, um, I'll see if I can find you something."

Evan rummaged around in his drawers, and Connor took the opportunity to rifle through the topmost pile of papers.

Dear Evan Hansen…

….a good day and here's why…

...made a friend….

...pretty eyes…

...Jared being an asshole…

...Connor Murphy…

...your best and most dearest friend…

Me.

Connor slammed down the letters a little harder than he intended when he noticed Evan looking at him.

"Sorry," he mutters. What the hell am I doing in your weird therapy letters? he wanted to add, but doesn't.

Evan's eyes were wide. He attempted to splutter out an explanation, but Connor stopped him.

"I know what they are, Evan. My therapist used to make me write them."

God, why had he said that?

"You go to therapy?" Evan didn't bother hiding the surprise in his voice. Connor cut across him before he could start apologising.

"Used to." he muttered, through gritted teeth. Until Larry decided I was too broken to be fixed. That I was purposefully 'acting out' to get their attention.

"Your parents?" guessed Evan.

"Yeah." Connor stepped forwards and grabbed the clothes Evan was holding out for him. "Thanks."

"Uhm, I-I'll just-" said Evan, blushing, before turning around to stare out the window. Connor changed quickly, chucking his jeans over Evan's desk chair. He pulled his hoodie back on top of the t-shirt Evan had lent him, leaving it unzipped. Evan frowned at him.

"You're gonna sleep in a hoodie? It's September, it's warm."

Connor sighed and tugged off his hoodie, folding his arms tightly over his chest, silently daring Evan to say something.

"I, uh, I'll ch-change."

Connor turned his back respectfully.

"I'm, uh, done?"

Evan was sitting on the bed, in a t-shirt that was too big for him, and a pair of gyn shorts. His hands rested on his lap trying and failing to cover the scars that lined his thighs.

Ah.

That was brave of him, Connor thought, exposing his scars. Just like he had made Connor do. He knew that cutting hurt significantly more on your thighs, and Connor didn't do it for pain. No, he did it for the blood, the satisfying trickle of crimson liquid, staining the edge of the razor blade a dark rust.

He really needed to stop thinking about cutting while he was at a sleepover.

Evan tucked himself into bed, scooting over to the wall. He gestured for Connor to join him.

Look at you. Your parents are right. You really are a faggot.

They lay on their backs in total silence, unmoving. Connor cleared his throat, on the verge of words, when he felt a shaking finger tracing the scar tissue on his wrist.

They fell asleep like that, Evan's warm hand circling Connor's wrist, in the same bed yet so far apart.

Chapter Text

Connor groaned slightly at the light that streamed over his eyes, and burrowed further into his pillow. The pillow was warm and comfortable and smelt like pine needles, and Connor wasn’t awake enough to form any coherent thoughts, so he closed his eyes and went back to sleep.

--

Evan lay frozen on his back as Connor Murphy snuggled into his shoulder, sighing as though he wasn’t quite awake. No, he couldn’t be awake, because Awake Connor wouldn’t have his leg flung casually over Evan, an arm resting on his chest, and his other arm squeezed tightly in between where their bodies were pressed together.

Connor’s hair was fanned out across the pillow, and Evan couldn’t help but notice how gloriously soft it looked. He was struck with a sudden urge to touch it, and still being in a hazy dreamlike state, that’s exactly what he did. Connor was asleep, so it couldn’t hurt, right?

“Mmnhh-hm...hmph.”

Evan started so violently he threw Connor off the bed.

"Ow, argh, what the fuck?" Connor sat up from where he had landed on the floor, rubbing his eyes sleepily and glaring at Evan with all the venom of a disturbed owl.

Oh shit sorry I was watching you sleep and wanted to touch your hair but you made a weird noise and I flinched so hard that you fell off the bed.

He definitely couldn't say that.

“I-uh, sorry, I guess I was, uh, confused, because um, I-I don’t usually wake up to p-people in my b-bed?”

Evan’s face was growing redder by the second. Connor grinned.

“You don’t, huh?”

“Sh-shut up.” Evan sputtered, halfheartedly throwing a pillow at him. Connor snorted and threw it straight back, where it hit Evan square in the face. They both burst into giggles.

Evan took in the sight of Connor on his bedroom floor, creasing up with laughter, hair falling to his shoulders in graceful waves, a borrowed t-shirt loose on his skinny frame and pajama pants barely reaching his ankles. He looked so happy, a million miles away from the sullen boy who strode the halls with a murderous look in his eyes. Evan felt a weird twist in his chest. Maybe he was hungry.

Once they had calmed down from their laughter, they headed downstairs for breakfast. There wasn’t much in the house besides some stale bread, so Connor announced they were going out to get coffee.

Coffee. With Connor Murphy. On a Saturday morning.

What a weird turn of events.

--

Connor was trying. He was trying so, so hard to stay strong. Evan deserved strong.

When they ran into Jared at A La Mode, it was all he could do to restrain himself from straight-up punching the kid in the face.

“Heyyy, Acorn, long time no see!”

“H-hi Jared.” Evan was focusing on the floor. Connor lifted his arm so that his hand rested on the small of Evan’s back, rubbing small circles as though to soothe him. Jared’s eyes widened.

He leaned forward conspiratorially, asking, “He's your boyfriend now, huh?”

Evan turned red. “N-no Jared, I-I-it’s not l-like that I swear! I already t-told you…”

That we weren’t even friends.

Connor kept his hand there, waiting to be thrown off. So when Evan moved closer to him and tangled their fingers together behind his back, he could barely mask his surprise.

Jared smirked. “Holding hands now, are we?” Evan dropped Connor’s hand, blushing. “Like I said, no judgements here, man. If I had known you weren’t straight I would’ve asked you out in 8th grade.” Jared winked.

“Wh-what?” said Evan, aghast.

Jared rolled his eyes and nudged him. “I’m gay as fuck.”

“N-no, yeah, I knew that, b-but-”

“Yeah, yeah, I had a crush on you. It was 8th grade, Acorn, don’t go hyperventilating on me.”

Evan genuinely looked like a deer caught in headlights. Connor burst out laughing.

“Go get that dick, Ev,” he muttered between chuckles. Feigning offence, Evan stepped away and hit him.

“Too bad I don’t have a pillow to throw at you.”

Evan poked his tongue out in response. Jared raised his eyebrows.

“Pillow? What, you stayed the night? Okay, message taken, aaand I’m leaving before my precious ears are tainted with knowledge of whatever you guys got up to.” He ran out the shop, snickering.

Connor turned to see Evan with his face in his hands, groaning comically. He was hit with a sudden urge to sweep the boy up in a bear hug and never let go. Instead, he grabbed Evan’s wrist and led him to a tiny booth. Their legs knocked together under the table, it was that small.

“Coffee?” Connor asked, and was met with a frantic shake of the head.

“Messes with my meds.”

“Ah.”

When Connor came back from ordering, Evan was facing the window, a look of peace on his face. Connor almost didn’t want to disturb him.

Evan seemed to realise that Connor was back, and turned to him with a smile. Connor smirked back, before saying, “Gay for Kleinman, then, huh?”

Evan groaned. “Oh my god, noooo. I’m feeling sick just thinking about it.” Connor laughed properly at the comical horror evident on Evan’s face.

“So, Evan Hansen: likes trees, nature documentaries, and hot boys.”

Evan cleared his throat, before adding, “And girls.” He screwed up his face. “Y-You think Jared’s hot?”

Connor flushed. “N-no?”

Evan pointed at him triumphantly. “You think Jared’s hot!”

Their order came, and Connor pushed a small cup of chocolate ice cream towards Evan. “Shut up.”

“Everyone! Connor Murphy thinks Jared Kleinman is hot!”

Connor snatched the ice cream. “Take that back,” said Connor, mock-aggressively pointing a plastic spoon at him. Evan pouted.

“F-fine.” The ice cream cup was slid back across the table towards him, and he beamed, grabbing a spoon from his pocket and digging in. Connor’s eyebrows shot up.

“Why the fuck do you just have a metal spoon in your pocket?”

“Ennvimen-ly fwendly.”

“What?”

Evan swallowed his huge mouthful of chocolate ice cream before repeating, “It’s more environmentally friendly. Instead of single use plastic, you know,” he added, glaring pointedly at Connor’s plastic spoon.

Connor held his hands up in surrender, before digging into his own ice cream cup. “What other weird shit do you keep in your pockets?”

“My phone, earbuds, my keys, my inhaler, a pocket knife, and my spoon.” Evan rattled off, as though reciting from a list.

Connor wrinkled his nose. “A pocket knife?”

“What do you have in yours, then?” retorted Evan, crossing his arms defensively. Connor sighed before dumping the contents of his jacket on the table.

Out tumbled a pack of watermelon gum, at least 3 pencils, some loose change, earbuds, his phone, a lighter, and some cough sweets.

Evan giggled, eyes trained on the table.

“What?” Connor’s shoulders tensed.

“Watermelon gum.”

“Yeah, and?” What’s wrong with watermelon gum?

Evan chuckled again, saying, “didn’t have you pegged as a sweet kinda guy.” A second later he seemed to realise what he had said and immediately backtracked, eyes widening as he tried to justify himself.

Connor just watched him stumble out an apology with an amused smirk, flushing slightly when Evan insisted he really was sweet (ha, very funny).

“A-anyway!” said Evan, having seemed to reach the end of his stuttered apology. “Uh- Connor Murphy: Likes watermelon gum, hot boys, and...and…”

“I like art.” Connor blurted. “And English. And books… and painting, and drawing, and sometimes writing, and just anything remotely creative, hell, last week I learnt how to do embroidery for no apparent reason.” Fuck, he was rambling. He looked up at Evan.

“Embroidery?” Evan repeated.

Men don’t do stuff like that. Grow up and stop being a pansy.

Connor clenched his jaw. “Yeah, and?” he hissed.

“What’s that?”

Okay, so that was not the answer he was expecting. He pulled out his phone to show Evan pictures of his embroidery work; Evan sat there, open-mouthed, gaping and gushing.

“That must take ages!”

Connor shrugged. “Yeah, well, I have a lot of time on my hands.”

“C-Can I see your drawings? Or read your writing?”

Hell no.

“Um, I post my creative shit to a tumblr blog? So if you find it, then yeah. But I’m not telling you what it is and I’m certainly not showing you myself.”

Evan positively beamed. “I’m great at stalking people!”

Connor let out a soft chuckle. “Probably not the best thing to say to your crush’s scary older brother,” he replied, laughing when Evan turned bright red. “I didn’t mean it, Ev, chill. You look like a tomato.”

“Sh-shut up.”

“Ooh, sassy Hansen. I like it.”

Chapter Text

“You don’t have to just sit there, y’know.”

Connor was sprawled out across the floor, addressing Evan, who was perched on his single bed. Cynthia had managed to trap them into a family dinner, and they were currently hiding out in Connor’s bedroom. Zoe and Larry were nowhere to be seen.

“I-D’you-”

“Wanna watch something? Sure.” Connor finished.

Evan and Connor had been hanging out a lot more, sitting in the computer lab at lunch. Occasionally Jared would join them, poking fun at one or the both of them, making Evan blush brightly. They also made frequent trips back to A La Mode, which was growing much more popular amongst students than Connor had hoped.

Sighing, Connor stood up, climbing onto the bed and poking at Evan to join him.

“Is there enough space?” Evan asked. To be fair, the bed was a single, a far cry away from Evan’s own. They’d be pressed hip to hip.

“Have you seen me? I’m practically a noodle.” Connor replied, flapping his skinny arms around to emphasise the point. Evan giggled and flopped down next to Connor, both of them propped up by a mountain of pillows.

Connor grabbed his laptop, flicking to Doctor Who, Season 10. (Evan’s favourite). Evan smiled at him, shuffling slightly closer.

Connor kept up a running commentary throughout the episode, prompting a lot of muffled laughter and “shush!”s from Evan. At the start of the next episode, Evan lay his head gently on Connor’s shoulder. He flinched. Evan didn’t move.

That’s pretty gay, you know.

“What, are you touch starved or something?”

“Is that a p-problem?” Evan muttered, eyes narrowed at the screen.

“What? No! Dude, we literally hold hands sometimes, I don’t have a problem with it. Why, does it bother you? Being touch starved, I mean.”

“Majorly,” Evan said, moving his head to nod enthusiastically. “I mean, I don’t get it! Why do girls get to hug and share chairs and beds and sit on each others laps and hold hands and shit but when a guy does it they immediately get branded as gay? I mean, we need casual physical affection as much as they do, and I’m fucking tired of societal standards. Toxic masculinity and all that. Also, slightly off topic, but Jared’s hugs are the best, and I don’t give a shit what other people think. Well, I mean, I do, but in terms of physical contact, I don’t. We all need a good cuddle. And no-one should be ashamed of that.”

He let out a breath before settling back into Connor’s side, silently daring him to move. Connor did nothing of the sort; in fact, he was grinning widely. “How do you know my hugs aren’t better than Jared’s?”

Evan let out a surprised squeak that Connor had barely any time to process before he was tackled to the bed, arms wrapping around his torso. Evan was curled into his side, and he wiggled closer to wrap his entire body around Connor, legs gripping tightly. “Beat this,” Evan snorted.

“Jared does that to you?” spluttered Connor, carefully extracting himself from Evan’s grip. Evan nodded, a triumphant smile splitting his features as he tucked his legs underneath himself.

“Fuck.”

“Yep.”

They settled back onto the pillows to watch another episode, Evan leaning comfortably into Connor’s side. “I’m pretty sure that was the most I've ever heard you say without stuttering. And the most I’ve ever heard you swear.”

Evan’s eyes widened. “I swore? Out loud?”

Connor snorted. “Several times, Ev. I have to say, I’m impressed. I mean, you swore that one time in the car, but this was the shit, man, that rant was just…” He trailed off to shake his head amusedly at Evan.

“Kids! Dinner’s ready!” Cynthia called up. Connor felt Evan tense next to him. “It’ll be fine as long as Larry isn’t here. C’mon.”

He pulled Evan downstairs, where Zoe and Cynthia were waiting.

--

Evan reminded himself to breathe. In, out, in, out. Cynthia was sitting at the head of the table, looking at him with a dazzling smile. Zoe sat next to her, stony-faced, and Connor pulled him to the table and sat at the other end, leaving Evan facing Zoe. “I made vegan casserole! I hope that’s okay, Evan.”

“Y-Y-Yeah, that’s f-fine. It looks w-w-wonderful.” Evan replied, trying to rearrange his face into a smile. It turned out more like a lopsided grimace, and he dropped his eyes to his plate.

It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine.

Turns out, it pretty much was fine. No worse than a class, anyway. Cynthia and Zoe made light conversation, Evan spoke when spoken to, and Connor lay a gentle hand on his knee to stop him embarrassing himself during rambles. As soon as dinner was finished, Evan found himself being tugged back upstairs by Connor, who then flopped dramatically on the bed. Evan prodded at him to move over, and lay down beside him.

Evan spoke first. “Uh. That wasn’t that b-bad? Not that I was expecting it to be bad, of course, but like, it wasn’t terrible? Shit, I mean crap, I don’t think your family’s terrible I just-”

Connor took hold of his hand. “Ev. Chill.” He lifted their entwined fingers up, looking at them fascinatedly. As though Evan wasn’t real. Evan felt a lump in his throat.

“Okay,” he whispered.

Connor dropped his hand, yawning, and the moment was gone as soon as it had come. He pressed his face into Evan’s neck, and Evan leaned in to the touch. “God, I’m tired,” he mumbled. He pulled away and looked at Evan. “Also, is this a thing now?”

Evan blinked at him. “Is what a thing?”

“Y’know.” Connor was blushing. “Casual physical contact. Like, are you just gonna throw yourself at me now we've established our friendship? Is that cool with you?”

“Hell yes. I mean, if you’re comfortable with it.”

Connor hummed in response, throwing an arm over Evan’s middle, letting his hand rest on his waist, burying his head in Evan's neck. “M’gonna have a nap,” he mumbled, and Evan sort of nodded, and before long, he was accompanied by gentle snores, Connor’s ankle creeping its way over Evan’s lower leg.

There was a knock on the doorframe. Evan shifted as much as he could without waking Connor up, turning slightly to look at the doorway. A man stood there. A man that he had never seen before. “Uhm, Connor?” he said, ever so quietly.

They didn’t talk about their dads. It was a mutual, unspoken agreement.

“Connor.” The voice was bland, flat.

Larry stood there, arms folded, looking at Evan with disgust. Evan felt Connor shift next to him. He caught the way his eyes flicked up to his dad.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing, in bed with another boy? Who is this?”

Evan tensed. So it was like that. No wonder Connor hated the guy. The hand around his waist tightened. He felt Connor move beside him, leaning to whisper in his ear.

“Sorry about this.”

Connor bent over him and planted a soft kiss, lips just slightly parted, at the corner of Evan’s mouth. Then his jaw. Then low on his neck, his tongue just grazing Evan’s collarbone. Slow and deliberate, in full view of his dad. He made a show of lacing their fingers together, before resuming his original position against Evan’s side.

“This is Evan.”

Evan’s breath hitched in his throat.

Holy fucking shit. Connor kissed me. My best (best?) friend just fucking kissed me. What the fuck. What the actual fuck.

Evan didn’t miss the way Larry clenched his jaw, presumably horrified at seeing his son kissing another guy.

“Get out. Now.”

They didn’t need to be told twice.

Evan practically sprinted down the hall and the stairs, Connor following behind him, laughing maniacally. Evan shoved open the door and stumbled onto the front steps. His head was spinning. His head was spinning and Connor was laughing only it sounded a lot more like crying and he had just been kissed by his best friend but there’s no reason to freak out, right? But what if Connor was disgusted by him and never wanted to talk to him again? What if he actually hated Evan and this was a twisted attempt to make him leave? What if Connor didn't care about him, just wanted to use him?

None of that, Evan told himself firmly. He only did it to annoy Larry, but he's still your best friend.

Oh fuck, Larry. That opened up a whole host of other problems. He probably thought that they were dating now, and he’d tell Cynthia, and Cynthia would tell Zoe, and Zoe would be disgusted and tell the whole school and somehow Heidi would find out and she might kick him out and then he’d be homeless and he’d run out of money to buy food and end up dead in a ditch somewhere and and and

“Evan?”

“Connor why would you do that what if my mom finds out? What if Jared finds out? What if- What if- “

Evan was having trouble fully articulating his thoughts, so he trailed off, trying to focus on his breathing.

“Shit, Ev, I didn’t mean to scare you. I only did it to piss off Larry, alright? He’ll be too disgusted to tell anyone, he doesn’t want anyone to know his only son’s a fag.”

Connor let out this short, bitter laugh.

“So you don’t have to worry about pretending to be my boyfriend or whatever. And Cynthia knows you’re my friend so you can still come over, okay? Presuming I’m let back in the house after this, that is.”

Evan took a shaky breath in. He was dimly aware of the arm rubbing circles over his back.

“It wasn’t real, Evan. You and I both know that, okay? No-one has to find out about this.”

Evan nodded. It’s fine. You’re fine. No-one’s gonna find out and it’ll be fine.

“J-Just one thing. No wait, two things.”

“Go on.”

“Don’t make things weird.” Evan felt a blush creeping up his neck as he said this. His voice was still shaking. “We both know it wasn’t real so let's just...never address this again.” Evan had a tendency to do that. Not addressing things. It was just easier that way.

“Okay.”

“And- you’re welcome to stay at mine if your dad’s being a d-dick. Whenever you want.”

Evan caught a ghost of a smile.

“Thank you, Ev.” Was it his imagination, or was there a slight tremor in Connor’s voice?

Evan searched his mind for a way to lighten the mood. “Hey, Connor.” he said, lightly nudging him with his shoulder.

“Hm?”

“You kissed me.”

“Yeah…?”

“That’s-”

Connor groaned. “Don’t-”

“Gay!” Evan finished, snapping finger guns at Connor, who promptly buried his face in his hands.

“I’m assuming that wasn’t quite what you meant by casual physical contact.”

Evan let out a surprised laugh. “Not particularly, no.”

“No homo, then,” he muttered from between his palms, and Evan giggled. “Better?”

“Better.” He took a deep breath, before adding, “Don’t do it again.”

Connor pouted. “You mean I can’t kiss my best friend everytime I see him now?” He leaned over and brushed his lips against Evan’s cheek, making him flush a deep pink. “Alana and Zoe do this.” He pecked Evan's cheek again, smirking.

“Stop!” Evan laughed, batting Connor’s face away. “No-one does that, not to me. Not even Jared. And Jared is just about the clingiest person I have ever met.”

Connor sighed dramatically. “Fuck you.”

“In all seriousness though, please don’t. I… You’re my best friend. Let’s not fuck this up. Please?” Evan swallowed. Trust me to make it all awkward again.

“Alright, Ev, I’m sorry. No more kissing.” He said seriously, taking Evan’s hand and squeezing.

Evan squeezed back. “No more kissing.”

--

Connor was back in his room. Larry had shut himself in his office, and Connor seriously doubted he was planning on ever talking to him again.

That suited him just fine.

"ZOE!" He yelled.

"WHAT!"

"COME HERE!"

"WHAT?" Music pulsed out of her room.

Connor sighed, before bellowing, "I SAID COME HERE!"

"FUCK YOU!"

Connor clenched his jaw. Zoe never got in trouble for cursing.

He gritted his teeth for a moment, before adding, "PLEASE?"

The music stopped abruptly.

Zoe stood in his doorway. "What do you want?"

"I-" Connor began. Closed his eyes. "Nevermind, it's stupid, sorry I bothered you." He opened his eyes after a few seconds. Zoe was still there, eyebrows raised.

"Connor, what the fuck?"

"I- Could you...Could you paint my nails? You're better at it than I am."

Zoe stared at him like he was an alien. Fair enough.

“What colour?” She finally said. Connor opened his mouth, only to be cut off with “Not black.”

Connor groaned. “Why not?”

“Because that’s all you’ve been wearing for the past year, and despite what you want people to think, you do not look edgy.”

“Bitch.”

“Dickhead. C’mon, I can do them red or something. It’ll piss Dad off.”

“Already done that,” Connor muttered, letting his sister take his hand in hers.

“What did you do? Get high and throw something at him?”

Connor gritted his teeth. He should’ve known that it wasn’t gonna be this easy. Zoe had an annoying talent for wheedling things out of him.

“No, I-”

“Threw a fit about your door?”

“No-”

“Started screaming for no apparent reason?”

Zoe was on a roll today. “No, Zoe, I kissed someone.”

She snorted derisively. “Yeah, right. The only person in your room was Evan.” Her eyes widened. “You kissed Evan? Is he your boyfriend?” She added excitedly.

“Yes, I kissed Evan, and no, we’re just friends.” Fuck, this was so weird. Apparently Zoe thought so too, as she was still staring at him with abject horror.

“You can’t just kiss your best friend!”

“You kiss Alana.”

Connor detected a slight blush. “Yeah, well…”

“Yeah well what?”

“Nevermind…” she muttered. Connor grinned.

“Why don’t you ask her out instead of just pecking her cheek every so often? You might even get to make out with her.”

“Shut up! Do you like Evan?” She retorted, turning the subject on its head.

“Uh, yeah, Zoe, he’s my best friend.”

Zoe rolled her eyes. “You know what I mean.”

“Do I?”

“Hmph.” Thankfully, she dropped the subject at the sight of Connor’s murderous glare.

“There, done.”

Connor’s nails were now a bright, glossy red. “Thanks, Zo.”

“No problem,” She replied, leaving the room. “Oh, wait.”

“What?”

“I still hate you.”

“Alright. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Chapter Text

“Coooonnooorrr...”

“Hm?”

“Connoorrr…”

“Wha?”

“Con-connnn...”

Connor jerked awake to a pencil poking at his cheek. “Kleinman what the fuck are you doing? Get your damn pencil out my face.” He screwed up his face, evidently rattled from being woken up from his impromptu nap. He squinted at Jared, who was still trying to poke him with a pencil, and Evan, who looked as though he was trying very hard not to laugh.

“Can you help me with my English essay, Connie?”

Evan let out a little giggle, cheeks turning slightly pink. He’s always blushing, Connor thought.

“Not if you call me Connie,” he replied, to which Jared responded with a whine. He took the opportunity to blink and regain his bearings; they were sat at a table at the back of the library. The computer lab had some sort of class going on today. Speaking of which…

“Aren’t you supposed to be at your nerd club?”

“Nah, figured I’d spend more time with you guys. Because it's just great being the third wheel.” Jared winked at Evan, who blushed. Connor was starting to wonder if his cheeks were permanently stained pink.

“M’going t-to the b-bathroom.” Evan stuttered, before shoving Jared’s legs off from where they rested on his lap and scuttling away. Jared rubbed his hands together.

“Alright, Murphy, so what’s the deal? What’s it like fucking tree boy over there?”

“Leave him alone.”

Jared cackled. “Look at you, all protective! It’s a joke. No need to get your panties in a bunch.”

“How fucking dense are you? It’s not fucking funny. Not to Evan.” Connor hissed.

Eyebrows raised, Jared replied, “I told him about the car insurance thing, chill. I thought he knew, but..” Jared shrugged. “Apparently not. Anyway, we’re cool now. Not to get all sappy, but I...I love him. He's like a brother to me. And he knows that.”

Connor wasn’t convinced. “Your so-called jokes hit hard, you know? He automatically dismisses any kind of compliment because he’s fully convinced himself that there’s nothing good about him. Do you have any idea how worthless Evan feels? Do you have any fucking idea?”

“Do you?” Jared snapped back. “Because last time I checked, you weren’t there when he jumped out of a fucking tree!”

Connor’s blood ran cold. He jumped?

“Wha- “ He began, but Jared was already talking.

“So I was napping, and my phone started going nuts, like constantly ringing. I pick up, Evan’s a mess, crying and telling me he’s sorry, so naturally I freak the fuck out and ask him where he is. He tells me that he’s at the hospital, that he walked there, all the way from Ellison State Park, that his mom’s not picking up, and that he’s seriously hurt. When I finally get there he’s having the bone in his arm reset. So when that’s over, I go to him, all ready to make some stupid jokes about how he managed to break his arm and he just. Spills everything.”

--

Jared’s tearing up at the memory. He pushes through, trying to relay everything as best as he can to Connor.

“I’m s-s-sorry, J-Jared, I’m s-so sorry…” Evan’s face is scrunched up, bright red, soaked through with tears.

“Dude, what the fuck? What are you sorry for?”

“I just...I-I was climbing, and-and-and I was just so high and I s-sat down and-”

Jared takes a seat on the chair by Evan’s head, smoothing Evan’s hair away from his face.

Evan sniffles again before continuing. “And I just thought...What if? What if I f-fell? Would anyone even n-notice? Would I even m-make a sound?”

Jared’s veins turn to ice. “Evan.” He whispers.

“So I- So I wrote this.” He thrusts a piece of paper at Jared, who looks at it blankly. “R-read it? Please? I d-don’t think I can say it aloud.”

And so Jared reads.

To Dad,

I’m sorry I wasn’t worth knowing. You were a shitty father, but I only came along and made it worse.

To Dr Sherman,

Thank you for trying. I know it’s only your job, but you did help a little. You made the days suck just a little less. I won’t bother you anymore after this.

To Jared,

If you’re reading this, I’m dead. I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with me all these years when you so clearly don’t care. I wish I could’ve been a better friend, someone cool and popular, then maybe you would’ve liked me. Because I love you. You’ve been there since I was born. You’ve been my only friend, even if I haven’t been yours, and for that I am eternally grateful. You don’t have to pretend you like me anymore. I’m sorry for being such a burden to you.

To Mom,

I love you. I know I’m the worst thing that’s ever happened to you, but I love you. I’m sorry.

“I fuck everything up, Jared. I can’t even k-kill myself right!” He cries, gesturing to his broken arm.

“Evan,” His eyes are swimming with tears. Everything’s blurry.

“Evan,” Jared repeats, stupidly. It’s all he can say.

Jared wipes his eyes. He’s crying again now. “Once we calmed down a little, I told him that I loved him, told him that of course I’d fucking notice if he disappeared, told him that he wasn’t a burden. He told me he didn’t want anyone at school to know.”

“So you just fucking carried on like nothing had happened? Fuck, Jared, why didn’t you apologise?” Connor’s voice was shaking; from anger, or tears?

He didn’t know how to apologise. It was easier to just pretend that everything was fine. He also knew what a shitty excuse that was.

“Because I’m an asshole, alright? I’m an asshole and I suck at dealing with emotions and I suck at apologies and I just suck. I suck.” He knew he was turning it into a pity party for himself, tears streaming down his face as Connor stared at him.

--

Oh, fuck.

Connor was well and truly shaken. Jared Kleinman was crying in front of him, having just told him about Evan’s suicide attempt, and Evan was going to be back any second now.

“Hey,” he tried. Jared just sniffled in response. Connor slid a tissue across the table; he snatched it up with a shaking hand before angrily mopping at his face.

Connor just watched as Jared made his way to the bin, chucking the tissue inside and returning to the table. “This never happened,” he said coldly, just as Evan returned.

“Evan! Your boyfriend missed you!”

This had the intended effect of making Evan blush, and Connor resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Frankly, he was impressed at Jared’s ability to pull on a mask of confidence so quickly. You would have had to be a very skilled observer to notice that anything was wrong.

Evidently Evan was a very skilled observer.

“Jared, what’s wrong?” he asked quietly, frowning. Connor watched as Jared swallowed.

“Nothing, why? What?”

Evan wasn’t buying that. Connor didn’t blame him. Jared was visibly nervous.

“Can I talk to you outside for a sec? Sorry,” he asked, directing the apology towards Connor.

“S’no problem, Ev,” he replied, waving them off. He flipped Jared off as he teased Evan about the nickname, and then he was left alone with his thoughts.

Evan had tried to kill himself. He had jumped out of a tree with full intent to die. Connor wondered how high the tree would’ve had to be. At least 40feet, maybe even more. His mind flashed back to what he had said when he had first met Evan, to the letter that was constantly lingering at the back of his mind.

Face it, would anyone notice if I disappeared tomorrow?

--

Jared was going to do it. He was going to apologise.

“Wait,” he said, cutting off Evan, who was standing in front of him, brows drawn tightly together. “I gotta tell you something.”

“I know I’ve already said all this, at the hospital-” Evan flinched slightly “-but I don’t think...fuck, okay. I know I didn’t apologise. For being so mean to you all the time and brushing you off. I didn’t realise how much it was affecting you, and I know that’s a shitty excuse, because I should’ve known, and all I can say is I’m sorry. I really, truly, am. I’m sorry I took so long, but I’m just...so bad at apologies, and it was just easier to ignore the guilt and stuff and-”

“You really hurt me.” Evan’s voice is quiet.

“I know.” Jared’s voice is quieter.

“I still love you though.”

Jared’s head snapped up to a grinning Evan. He felt light-headed. “Dude, really?”

“Yeah, of course. Thanks for apologising.”

Jared couldn’t believe it. “That’s it?”

Evan frowned a little. “Why, what did you think I was gonna do? I mean, it still hurts, but at the end of the day, you’re still my friend. And I love you.”

Jared’s throat grew tight. No. He couldn’t start crying again. “Gay,” he mumbles instead, as Evan pulls him into a hug.

Evan snorted.

It was all okay.

Chapter Text

Alana picked up the guitar, moving her hand above the strings as though she was strumming.

"Stop!" Zoe laughed. "She's my baby. You'll hurt her."

Alana pouted in response, instead moving to sit on Zoe's bed. "So, Zo, got any gossip?"

"You? Wanting gossip? What could I possibly know that you already don't?" Zoe sat beside her, fiddling with the hem of her shirt. She took a deep breath.

“‘Lana, can I tell you something?”

Alana’s face shifted into an expression resembling concern. “Sure you can. What’s up?”

“I, um, I…”

Fuck. This is it.

“I’m gay.”

Zoe had known since she was 12, since she’d developed a crush on the lead singer of Paramore. She also knew that Connor was gay, only he hadn’t bothered to hide it. She also knew how opposed her dad was to homosexuality, and she’d resisted the urge to come out right after Connor had, just to see what would happen. If he’d scream at her, throw her out the house, then just live in plain denial from thereon; everything he did with Connor.

She nearly did it; nearly tagged “me too” on the end of Connor’s big dramatic coming out speech. He was 13, she remembers, and terrified. He had every right to be.

She often wondered what would’ve happened if she’d been the one to come out. If her dad would’ve reacted the same way.

She doubted it. She could do no wrong in this house. And she kinda hated it.

Once, just once, she wanted to be the centre of attention. For whatever reason. That spot, however, was always already taken, by Connor. Even when she put indigo streaks in her hair without seeking permission. Even when she came home, obviously drunk, from one of Katie Michaels’ parties. Even that one time she stole Connor’s weed. She could do no wrong.

She knew he wasn’t gay because he wanted attention, wasn’t doing anything for attention, like her dad always insisted, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t constantly the centre of attention anyway.

Connor didn’t know she was gay. Teased her constantly, sure, but he didn’t know know. She’d never come out to anyone before.

Forget about Connor. He’s not here now, and this is my moment. MY moment.

“I’m gay,” she repeated, and Alana just blinks at her.

“I...know?”

"What?”

“You know?”

What?

“We’ve talked about this before, haven’t we? I’m pan.”

Fuck, Zoe’s sat there with her mouth open, and she felt stupidly like crying, because this was her moment, and she knew Alana was pan, but this was her moment and she just wanted to be unpredictable just one time -

She ran out her room and bursted into Connor’s.

“I’m gay!” she screamed, tears running down her face. “I’m fucking gay, Connor.”

--

Connor wanted to roll his eyes, say “Yeah, what’s new?”

He wanted to tell her to get the hell out of his room.

Maybe threaten her if she didn’t leave right away.

He decided against those options when he realised Zoe was crying. Full on, angry, racking sobs that shook her whole body.

“Hey, Zo,” he tried, ushering her into the room, where she promptly collapsed on the bed. He scoured his brain for the right thing to say, and settled on what he’d have liked to hear when he came out.

“You’re gay? Well, shit, um, I’m glad you felt like you could tell me and um, I fully support you and all that, I mean I’m gay too so..., and uh, Zoe I have no idea what I’m saying fuck I’m bad at this but um...well done? I’m proud of you. I really am, that must’ve been hard, shit, you were there when I-”

Connor cleared his throat and tried again. This was important to Zoe, the least he could do was steer the conversation clear of his own issues.

“But yeah, anyway, ya like girls! Woo! I mean, not for me personally, don’t see the appeal in all the…” He gestured vaguely with his hands, signifying his chest. Zoe let out a weird hiccup-cry-laughing noise. Slowly, slowly, her tears gave way to sniffles.

“You okay?” asked Connor, keeping his voice soft.

“Mhm.” Zoe’s eyes were red. Neither of them knew what to say or do next. Just then, Alana came running into the room.

“Hey-Zoe-I’m-really-sorry-did-I-make-you-cry-oh-my-god-come-here!”

Connor let Alana drag Zoe back to her bedroom before settling back on his bed with a sigh, grabbing his phone and checking his notifications.

from: evan
Yo yo yo
Wait that’s weird isn’t it
Sorry.
Hi

He snorted before typing out a reply.

to: evan
yo yo yo to you too, tree boy
wyd

from: evan
Nothing. Texting you
Obviously.
U?

to: evan
listening to music

from: evan
Oh. Cool.

A pause.

from: evan
What’s my name in your phone??

to: evan
evan
boring, ik. i’ll change it to ev

from: ev
Um.

to: ev
wait is that okay
i can stop calling you ev if u want

from: ev
No!!!
I like it.
It’s cute.
I mean neat.
It’s nice.
Sorry I’ll stop now.

Connor smiled at his phone. He could only imagine Evan’s blush right now.

to: ev
alright, ev

from: ev
Do you have a nickname

to: ev
besides the obnoxious ones Jared gives me, nah

from: ev
Conman
Con-Con
Con Artist
Connie
Ooh using fancy words like obnoxiuos are we
FUCK
**obnoxious

to: ev
idiot

from: ev
Hmph you love me really

to: ev
ofc
can i call u?

from: ev
Why?
Sorry. Phone calls scare me

to: ev
dunno just wanna talk
why do phone calls scare you

from: ev
‘Cause you can’t see the person’s face and then you can’t tell if their mad and it freaks me out

to: ev
they’re*

from: ev
Fuck you

to: ev
ruuude
ft?

from: ev
What?
Ohh you mean facetime.
Okay you call

“Hey,” said Connor, smiling down at his phone screen. Evan must’ve had his phone propped up somewhere, because Connor could see him sprawled across his bed with his laptop.

Evan leaned towards the screen momentarily, squinting at him. “Hi,” he says back, clearly distracted by whatever’s on his screen. Connor just made out a little muttered “fuck” as Evan moved back to his original position, chewing on a pencil and frowning down at his laptop.

“What are you doing?” asked Connor. Evan sighed in response.

“Supposed to be working on a scholarship essay."

Connor frowned. "Why?"

Evan looked up, pencil still between his lips. "I-I uh, w-w-we c-can't afford c-college so my m-mom thought it m-might be a g-good idea to…"

Way to make me feel like a rich asshole.

"Ev. Chill. I'm not judging you or anything."

Evan let out a sigh. "S-Sorry."

"And stop apologizing, for fuck's sake, hasn't anyone ever told you how annoying it is?"

His eyes meet Evan's. He looks shell shocked.

"F-Fuck you," he choked out, wincing from the force of his own words.

Connor is sick of dealing with everyone's bullshit today. He doesn't even know why he suggested a call. Before he can stop himself, he's talking again.

Hurt him now so you don’t hurt him later.

"Go on, hang up so you can go cry about your pathetic existence, with your pathetic fucking stutter. 'I-I-I-I-I,' god, can't you use your fucking words? You're so damn annoying, so damn clingy, oh my god, no wonder no-one wants to hang around you. I thought I could stand it, but apparently not."

Evan didn't do anything, just sat there with his eyes full of tears and his mouth open. This only pissed Connor off more.

"Jesus Christ, catatonic now too? Can’t even stutter out a simple sentence. Go on, cry like the big baby you are, with all your damn issues.” He spat the last word out and watched in twisted satisfaction at the tears rolling down Evan’s face. He leaned forward, jamming the ‘end call’ button.

He’ll save the regret for later. When he’s done screaming into his pillow.

Chapter Text

The call ended. He didn’t know why he was surprised.

Evan mentally berated himself. It was his fault. He fucked it all up.

Maybe if I wasn’t so damn broken none of this would’ve happened.

What Connor had said was nothing new, of course. He told himself all that and worse on a daily basis. But to hear it from someone else? His very best friend?

It fucking stung. Especially because everything he had said was true.

Evan dropped his pencil and drew his knees up to his chest and cried until he fell asleep.

He was all alone.

--

“Connor! Dinner!”

“Not hungry!” Connor called back. He was starving; his stomach was a hollow pit and his mouth was excruciatingly dry.

Serves you right.

As soon as Connor had somewhat calmed down, he wanted to call Evan straight back and apologize sincerely. So he did.

He called 12 times before giving up.

Of course, Evan could’ve been asleep. But Connor was sure it wasn’t that. He had ruined everything; Evan wouldn’t want to hang out with him anymore; he had better friends, like Jared. Connor wasn’t good enough. He knew that. Tainting good things was his speciality; in a way, feeling happy most of the time was almost uncomfortable. It felt wrong; he felt like a fraud. He didn’t deserve happiness. Cutting Evan off meant that the source of his newfound happiness was gone. And everything was back to normal. And Connor was back to being alone.

He grabbed his phone and scrolled through Tumblr. Nothing new. He hasn’t posted anything in a while, though, and he feels the need to write some angsty, pretentious poetry, so that’s exactly what he does.

He hit ‘post’ and rolled over, willing himself to fall asleep.

--

Evan peeled his face away from where it had stuck to his laptop. He rubbed at his eyes as the events of last night washed over him. He felt sick to his stomach. The only solution he could see right now was just going back to sleep. Maybe not wake up for a while. Or ever.

Evan froze. No. He couldn’t deal with those kinds of thoughts right now, not while Connor’s words were still washing over him. He pulled out his phone.

twelve missed calls from connor

Fuck.

Fuck, he’d missed Connor’s calls. He sure as hell wasn’t going to call back.

He opened the text thread with shaking hands.

to: connor
Hi m realy sorry ccan yuo come obver
Or cna i cmoe over
Soryr i knwo you hate me
Cnat be alneo rihgt now
Im sry

Connor’s reply was instantaneous.

from: connor
be there in 10

--

Evan was in trouble. Evan could be hurt. Tears stinging his eyes, Connor snatched his keys from his desk and sprinted down the stairs, bolting for the door.

But that would be too easy.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

Larry stood in front of him, blocking the doorway. Connor willed himself to calm down, just a little. He needed to stay calm in order to be in with a chance of leaving the house.

“My friend’s in trouble. He could be hurt. I need to help him.”

Larry smirked. “Your friend? You mean that- that- f-”

“Don’t. Call. Him. That.”

He let out a laugh, and Connor squirmed. He’s itching to slam his father against a wall right now, but that wouldn't do. “It’s true, though, isn’t it? God, what did I do to deserve a gay stoner for a son?”

Connor felt tears forming in his eyes. “He’s not- We’re not- I kissed him because you were there!” The words are out of him before he can process what he’s said.

Larry’s eyes narrowed. “Look, you may be the one who’s not right in the head, but I will not have you forcing your perverted attention-seeking antics on anyone else! You’ve done enough damage to this family.”

Connor gave in. He let the tears pour down his cheeks as he sobbed openly. Frankly, Larry was stunned that he wasn’t yelling or screaming as usual. No, in fact, Connor was doing quite the opposite; he sank onto the bottom stair for a moment, and choked out “I’m sorry,” before stepping past Larry, and running outside.

I’m sorry for being a disappointment. I’m sorry for not being the son you wanted. I’m sorry that I’m not, and never will be, good enough. I’m sorry.

--
6 minutes.

Evan tried not to think about the way Connor looked when he was talking. He tried not to think about the way Connor held his hand so casually, how it had always grounded him. He tried not to think about the way Connor smiled at him and told him he was amazing. He especially tried not to think about the feel of Connor’s lips on his.

7 minutes.

Evan felt dizzy. He’s somehow ended up on the kitchen floor, clutching at the twenty Heidi left him to order pizza. Better to die of starvation than have to talk to a delivery person, he thought.

8 minutes.

Connor’s not coming. No-one’s coming for him. He was stupid to think that things could’ve been different. No-one can see him, because he’s all alone, and he’s failed again -

9 minutes.

Evan doesn’t remember lying down. He could just see the handle of the cutlery drawer. He contemplated pulling a knife out. Decides against it when he can’t will his limbs to move.

10 minutes.

Nothing.

11 minutes.

He’s not coming.

12 minutes.

Connor’s not coming.

13 minutes.
14 minutes.
15 minutes.

16 minutes have passed when someone knocks at the door.

--

“Evan! Ev? Evan?” Connor banged on the door, to no avail. “Ev, you gotta let me in or let me know you’re safe! Please?”

His phone buzzed in his pocket and Connor snatched it out.

from: ev
Key udner door mta
Under door mat

Connor sent a prayer of thanks to whatever god was up there, scrambling around until he found the cool metal beneath the doormat. He pushed open the door and ran through the hall, towards the staircase, when he heard a whimper from the kitchen. He turned and walked into the room.

Evan lay on the floor in a hoodie and shorts. He was curled up tightly into a ball on his side, fists clenched so tight that his knuckles were turning white. His back was to Connor and his shoulders were shaking.

You caused this.

Connor pushed through all the screaming voices in his head telling him to run, run, run, before he could make it any worse. He collapsed against Evan, wrapping his arms around the boy and guiding him to a sitting position, his back supported by Connor’s chest. Connor took Evan’s hands in his, winding his arms around Evan’s middle and massaging gently at his fists, trying to get his palms to relax. He dropped his head onto Evan’s shoulder. One of Evan’s hands unclenched to grab his with a vice-like grip.

“I-I-I-I-” Connor’s heart clenched at how much Evan was stuttering.

“Shh, Ev, don’t talk. I need you to breathe with me, okay? Breathe with me. In, out. In, out. That’s it, you’re doing good. In, out. In, out. I’m right here, okay? In, out. In, out.” Connor kept his voice steady and gentle.

After a few minutes (ten? twenty?), Evan’s breaths slowed so that he was almost breathing normally, but tears were still running down his face. Connor released Evan’s fist to reach up and wipe some of the tears away, and only then did Evan seem to become fully aware of Connor’s presence. The shorter boy pushed him away almost immediately, scooting over so there was at least 2 foot of space between them.

“M’sorry, ‘m fine now, d-don’t w-want t-to be an, a, an inconvenience, y-you can g-go I know you don’t want to b-be here w-with me and I’m really really sorry I’ll leave you alone pl-please go-”

Connor fought to control his tears and kept his voice low and steady. “Hey. I’m not going anywhere, ‘kay?” He shuffles next to Evan and places his hand over his. He cracks just a little when Evan immediately pulls away. Connor frowned.

“D-don’t w-wanna- too c-clingy- d-don’t w-wanna m-make you m-mad I’m s-sor-”

Connor wraps his arms around Evan before he can finish. He can feel the boy tense, and he moves to sling a leg over his lap.

“Evan,” he says fiercely. “Evan, I am so fucking sorry. I didn’t mean anything I said. You are so damn important to me, and I lo- care about you so freaking much, okay? Never stop being clingy. I think you’re amazing, Ev.”

Evan sniffled slightly and let himself melt into Connor’s arms.

“Why?” Evan whispered.

His heart dropped. Evan was legitimately the best thing to ever happen to him. He needed to know that. “Because you are amazing, you-”

“No, I mean-”

Evan paused, like he was trying to figure something out.

He speaks. “Why did you say that? Why would you- why-”

Fuck. He should’ve seen this one coming.

Chapter Text

Evan looked at Connor, who had pulled away and was now staring at his own hands. “I don’t mean it, Evan.”

“So why did you say it?”

“I-”

“The t-truth, please.”

Connor sighed. They were still on the floor, side by side. Evan leaned over and took Connor’s hand back in his, which was decidedly very distracting. He tried not to dwell on why it was so distracting.

“Ilashoutsothatpeopledon’tgettocloseandgettheirhopesup,” he mumbles, staring at a stain on the linoleum floor.

Evan squeezed his hand and Connor’s heart short-circuited. “Slower.”

Connor took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “I lash out so people don’t get too close and get their hopes up.”

Evan ran his thumb lightly over Connor’s knuckles. “Get their hopes up?” he asked, ever so gently.

“So they can see how I really am. How...how fucked up all this is,” he said, gesturing to himself. “I’m not worth spending time on. Sooner or later they’ll realise that I’m not worth it and leave So I try to make that clear early on, y’know? Makes the inevitable fall out less painful.”

Connor didn’t miss the way Evan’s eyes shut tightly for a second. “You- You think I’m gonna leave?”

“I…” There’s no shying away from this. “Yeah. Everyone does eventually.”

Evan’s eyes were wide and bright and so, so sad. He dropped Connor’s hand and looked away.

--

What the fuck.

What the fuck. Connor thinks he might leave.

Why the fuck would he do that?

He turned back to stare at Connor, whose gaze was fixed on the floor, blinking rapidly.

“Hey, “ he said, tugging on one of Connor’s hoodie strings to make the taller boy look at him. Connor’s eyes met his own. This was the most vulnerable Evan had ever seen him.

“If- If I told you, r-right now, how f-fucking w-worthless I f-feel, what w-would you d-do?”

“I-”

Evan cut him off. “Would you stay?”

Connor looks heartbroken. “Of course.”

“Then what makes you think I wouldn’t do the same for you?”

Evan didn’t miss the single tear that dropped from Connor’s eye. “I d-don’t, you don’t get it, Evan. I don’t matter.”

He knows exactly how that feels.

“Connor, c-can I t-tell you something?”

Connor, for some reason, looked at Evan with something almost like pity. It made Evan’s insides twist.

“Jared already told me about your arm.”

Oh. Of course he did. That would explain Jared’s apology, then. And the fact that his eyes had seemed to be a little red while he was giving it.

“Y-you don’t feel like that, do you?” Evan prayed he was wrong. Connor did not deserve to feel the way he had felt that fateful summer. His stomach turned over at the mere thought of it.

Connor blew air out of his cheeks. “I...yeah. Sometimes.”

Evan felt his heart drop all the way to his stomach. He made Connor look at him, one hand on his shoulder, one on the soft curve where his jaw met his throat. He blinked through a haze of tears.

“C-C-Connor, you’re my best friend. I’m n-not going anywhere. Which means neither c-can you.”

Connor just looked sad. So, so sad.

“Connor, “ Evan repeated. “Hey. I don’t know what’s going on up there, but I can see you spiralling. I care about you. I’m not trying to set you up or… or lead you on, or whatever.”

He brushed his thumb lightly over Connor’s jaw.

“And-And I know exactly how you feel. And you always tell me I’m amazing, when I’m really not, so I guess this is my turn? To tell you how damn wonderful you are, Connor Murphy. If you hadn’t talked to me, I probably would’ve ended up back in that tree, one way or another. And I’m not gonna spin that bullshit about ‘fixing each other’ because we both know what a whole load of crap that is, right?”

Connor let out a sob-laugh. Evan moved the hand that lay on Connor’s shoulder to the back of his neck, tangling his fingers in his hair in an effort to ground him.

“But I’m here for you. If you wanna cry, or scream, or just talk, or even just not talk and cuddle or whatever.” His cheeks burned slightly at that last statement.

“But it always ends up back there. Back in that tree. Despite the fact I actually have real-ish friends now. Despite how wonderful my life is now you’re in it.” Connor’s voice is flat.

Evan felt a flash of anger rip through him. He wondered if that’s how Connor felt all the time. “I won’t let you. End up at the tree, I mean. You have to stay, goddamnit. You have to tell me if you ever feel like that. Maybe you didn’t have anyone to listen before, but you sure as hell do now, okay?”

--

Evan’s hand was still at his jaw. The other one was curled softly in his hair. He wondered if Evan could tell just how fast his heart was beating. “There’s...still something I want to tell you.”

Connor felt his breath catch in his throat. “Yeah?”

He looked right into Connor’s eyes before closing his own and taking a breath. Evan’s hands moved to Connor’s, like a question. Connor held them.

“I know you h-have some issues in your f-family. Because they d-don’t get it. But that doesn’t make you, like, unworthy of affection, okay?”

He watched as Evan steeled himself, drawing in a sharp intake of breath. He gripped Evan’s hands slightly tighter.

“My dad left because of me.”

There’s not a single stutter in that sentence. Evan looked at him, not bothering to mask the pain in his eyes. “He left because of my p-problems. Used to shout all the time. Then he just, got so fed up, and he left. Just like that.”

Evan closed his eyes. “I was 7.”

Tears stung the corners of Connor’s eyes. “Fuck, Evan, I’m so fucking so-”

“Did I deserve it?” Evan’s eyes opened; hard, and piercing.

“Fuck no.” Connor didn’t even have to think about it. “Fuck, Ev, of course not, you deserve the world, if I could give you everything I would, I-”

“Yeah?” His voice is soft. Connor swallowed around the lump in his throat.

“Of course.”

“Then the same applies to you. J-just because you’re stuck with a shitty family doesn't mean you deserve it. Look at Jared. We’ve basically adopted him. F-Found family is real family.”

“Wait, wha-”

“His mom doesn’t like the fact that he’s gay. His coping mechanism is eating bath bombs.”

“Alright, I know we’re crying and being all vulnerable and shit but, what the actual fuck?”

Evan smiled sadly. “His mom believes-”

“No, dumbass, the bath bombs! What? Why? I’m so confused!”

They both chuckled quietly. Both of them have stopped crying now, instead sitting in near silence, hands interlaced. After a few minutes, Evan speaks up.

“Okay?”

Connor pushed down the overwhelming thoughts, the horrible voices refusing to shut up, in favour of the boy beside him.

“Okay.”

He cleared his throat and shuffled away a little. Evan handed him a tissue. “Thanks for coming.”

“Of course, Ev, I love you.”

He saw Evan freeze out of the corner of his eye. “In a totally platonic way, of course. Obviously.”

“Yeah! Yeah, obviously. I, um, love you too?”

Connor rolled his eyes, though he did have to admit that his heart fluttered at the words. “Want me to stay?”

Evan visibly relaxed. “Yes please."

Chapter Text

Connor opened his eyes just a crack; when no immediate sunlight came streaming in, he closed them again and snuggled into his pillow. Which was surprisingly warm.

Oh. His pillow was Evan. That same pine-needle scent washed over him and he was struck by how serene Evan looked, how calm he seemed.

He should probably move before Evan woke up and realised just how fast his heart was beating and things became awkward.

Connor’s head was tucked into Evan’s shoulder, one leg flung over him, trapped between Evan’s ankles. Evan’s hand rested lightly on his shoulder; his other arm circling around Connor’s waist. And Evan’s face was buried in his hair.

Fuck, Connor had to move before he did something stupid. If he tilted his head up just an inch, he could kiss Evan right on the mouth. He’d done it before.

No. Connor told himself. Stop. He’s your best friend. You guys are friends. Friends. Nothing more.

He shifted slightly, trying to untangle his legs from Evan’s, when Evan shifted, murmuring something and pulling Connor closer. Connor didn’t dare breathe for fear of waking the boy up, so he stayed, face hidden in Evan’s neck, so impossibly close, and he couldn’t help it, he just had to check.

“Are you awake?” he whispered, barely audible. He felt Evan hum contentedly into his hair, sending shivers down his spine. Fuck fuck fuck he shouldn’t be here, cuddling with his best friend, having these stupid romantic thoughts, this was a mistake-

“You’re...warm…” Evan mumbled sleepily. Connor froze.

“You’re awake?” He whispered again. Evan nodded, ever so slightly. Fuck. Connor had to get up. He shifted again, trying to move, and was instead pulled closer, Evan’s hand on his hip bone, his legs tugging Connor’s so that it was completely trapped between them. The duvet was lazily thrown over them, and Connor felt Evan squeeze tightly at his hip momentarily. “Stay,” he breathed, right into Connor’s hair, and how could he refuse, pressed up tightly against his favourite person? So Connor stayed, focusing on the steady rise and fall of Evan’s chest as he waited for Evan to wake up properly.

--

It took a little while for Evan’s eyes to adjust to the light. When he managed to stop squinting, his attention shifted to Connor, curled against his side. He smiled slightly. He could feel Connor’s eyelashes fluttering against his neck, letting him know that the boy was awake.

“Hey,” he mumbled. This was so much better now they’d agreed that platonic affection was one of the best things in the damn universe. Evan couldn’t help but crack a grin at the memory of him accidentally shoving Connor off the bed all because he’d wanted to touch Connor’s hair.

“Hi.” Connor grinned back up at him through impossibly long eyelashes, evidently still sleepy. Evan saw no reason not to, so he slowly ran his hand through Connor’s hair, tangling his hand in the brown waves. It was so soft.

He must’ve been mistaken, as Connor’s entire body tensed beside him. He dropped his hand quickly, back to Connor’s hip. “Sorry, shit, I sh-should’ve asked. Sorry.”

“S’okay,” Connor replied, relaxing beside him again. “I don’t mind.”

Evan hummed, not quite ready to get up just yet. He held his hand tentatively above Connor’s head for a moment, searching his eyes with his own. Connor nodded slightly and he carded his hand through the waves again, absentmindedly rubbing circles on his shoulder with his free hand. They stayed like that a moment, enjoying each other’s presence, Evan softly stroking Connor’s hair.

--

He was going to pass out because Evan’s hands were in his hair and he hadn’t shoved Connor away and they were still closer than should be normal for two guy friends and Evan was smiling at Connor like he’d hung the moon and their legs were properly entwined and-

Christ, he really needed to get up.

“Ev?”

“Hm?”

“Are we gonna do anything today?”

He felt Evan peer at him. “Do you want to?” His fingertips brushed the back of his neck and he shivered slightly.

His voice came out cracked. “I don’t mind.”

“Alright.”

Evan shifted his body and suddenly they were spooning, Evan’s hips pressed against his own. Evan leaned forward and buried his nose in Connor’s hair, sighing into his neck, arms wound tightly around his middle. Connor settled his hands over Evan’s. He willed his heart to slow down just a little.

It got worse. Evan slung a leg over Connor, pulling their bodies flush. Connor was pretty sure his face was beet-red by now. He could feel Evan’s bare calf against his own.

“Uh, Ev?”

“Mhm?”

“Is this...Are you… Are you okay?”

“Whaddya mean?” Evan’s voice was still mumbled, and Connor felt him stifle a yawn into his shoulder.

“I- you’re being very… y’know?” Connor waved his hands around in an effort to demonstrate what he meant.

Evan pulled away and Connor missed the contact almost immediately. “Clingy?” His voice was sharp.

Connor puffed air out of his cheeks and rolled over so he was facing Evan. “I didn’t mean it like that, Ev.”

Evan picked at his nails, and Connor’s hands automatically went to them to prise them apart. “M’sorry..I w-won’t..”

“Hey. No. None of that.” With those words, Connor pressed himself right back into Evan’s side, catching hold of one of Evan’s hands and holding it tight. “I don’t mind, hell, I like it when you’re clingy. I was just wondering why.”

He could hear Evan swallow. Maybe he’d stepped too far.

"Makes me feel safe. You make me feel safe."

Connor, the ticking time-bomb, the school shooter just waiting to explode, made him feel safe?

He’d be damned if his heart didn’t just stop for a second.

Evan pulled him close once again, tangling his fingers back into Connor’s hair and dragging them through slowly. Connor blanked out for a second.

Oh god. He had a crush on Evan Hansen.

Chapter Text

Evan watched as Jared made his way over to the table at the back of the library where he and Connor sat. It was their regular lunch spot now; so regular that Alana once approached them and asked if they wanted to form some sort of book club.

Evan was working on some homework they had gotten in AP Calc, but he had to admit, he wasn't getting much done with Connor making him crack up every two minutes.

He looked up at Jared, who was now standing in front of them. "That's my seat, asshole."

Connor scowled at him from where he was sitting beside Evan. "I got here first."

"And that's my seat."

"Not today," Connor retorted, swiveling so his legs rested in Evan's lap.

"Mommy says it's my turn with the footrest."

"I-I'm n-not a footrest!" Evan protested. Jared and Connor's friendship remained a mystery; if constant gay jokes and endless harsh banter meant that he could spend time with his best friends, he was all too willing to leave it unsolved.

"Alright, alright. I'll leave you and your boyfriend be," Jared snickered, taking a seat opposite Evan as he attempted to splutter out a protest.

"Have you seen Alana today?” asked Connor, blatantly ignoring Jared’s last comment.

“What d’you want with ‘Lana?”

“She wanted me to join her creative society thing on Wednesday evenings. I gotta tell her no before she gets her hopes up too high.”

“You should go.” The words slipped out of Evan’s mouth before he could register them, and he flushed a deep pink. His hands went automatically to the hem of his shirt, and were instead met with the bony curves of Connor’s ankle.

Connor turned to look at him with an incredulous expression fixed to his face. “Why?”

“You’re good at um, writing. I, um, I was listening to you in English.” Connor’s eyes meet his own, blue blue blue with a splash of brown in the right one. “And you’re always painting. Or, uh, drawing. Your doodles are really cute.” Evan watched as a subtle tinge of pink stained the tips of Connor’s ears.

A hint of a smile crossed his face. “Huh. Maybe I will.”

--

“Dude!” Jared yelled, for what felt like the hundredth time. “Look at this! It’s you!”

Evan shuffled round the table obligingly. Connor watched his face light up at whatever Jared was showing him, before the expression changed to one of dark disgust.

“Jared, what the f-fuck?!” Jared cackled as Evan sat back down next to Connor, pulling his legs back onto his lap. Connor leaned in to peek at the equations Evan was working on.

“What’d he show you?” Connor was focusing very intently on Evan’s algebra equations and totally not on how his skin tingled where Evan was laying his hands on Connor’s legs.

Don’t freak out. You literally spooned in bed the other day while he stroked your hair. His hands on your legs is NOT a reason to freak out.

Evan spluttered. “A-a video of some guy humping a tree branch.”

Connor threw his head back and laughed so hard he thought his head was going to burst. He looked back at Evan, who looked decidedly unimpressed. “Are you done?”

“That is so totally you, oh my god.” Connor wheezed, and Evan smacked him upside the head, pouting.

“It isn’t!”

Jared chimed in. “It is.”

“Isn’t !”

“Is!”

“Isn’t!”

“Is!”

“Guys, have any of you seen Alana?”

Zoe strutted in, hands on her hips, looking thoroughly exasperated. Connor wrinkled his nose.

“Why is everyone looking for Alana?” Evan looked to be thinking the same thing.

Zoe frowned. “None of your business.”

Jared piped up. “She convinced me and Zoe to do her poetry club thing. And then ran away without a word.”

Oh, great. Everyone, including his little sister, was doing this damned creativity society thing, except for Evan.

"Oh, I, uh- you're all doing it?" Evan's voice was meek and quiet.

Connor leaned forward slightly to hold on to Evan's shoulder. "Do it with us."

"N-no, I don't wanna be a n-nuisance. I'm pretty bad at poetry anyway..." Evan chuckled weakly, trailing off.

"Ev," said Connor, at the exact same time Jared said "Bullshit."

Jared motioned for him to continue. Connor cleared his throat.

"Ev, you have got to stop thinking that you're a nuisance. We're your friends. We like you. We like being around you. We want to hang out with you. Also, I don’t know what Jared’s on about, it’s not just poetry, it’s whatever creative shit you want. I was just gonna doodle the whole time."

"Oh, yeah. What he said."

"I second, no, third that. Despite the fact that I don't really know you, you seem to calm down my brother a lot. I guess I'm grateful for that. And you seem pretty chill." Zoe shot a glance at Connor before sending Evan a sugary smile.

Connor's blood boiled. "Who told you to stick your oar in?"

"Fuck off. I was being nice." said Zoe with a glare.

They stared daggers at each other, Zoe challenging Connor with her eyes. He could easily scream at her to fuck off, scare the shit out of her. Would have done, as well.

But then his hand was being taken by Evan, lacing their fingers together before squeezing softly. Connor exhaled, mumbling something that could’ve been a “sorry” if you strained your ears enough.

Zoe smirked, waving off his apology. “You sure do hold hands with Evan a lot for people who are ‘just friends’”

Jared cackled at that, adding, “Nah, Evan’s way too nervous to even get close to someone like that, if ya know what I mean. He’s never even kissed anyone before, have you, Evan?”

Evan frowned and murmured something unintelligible, tugging slightly at Connor’s hand. Connor made sure to shoot a warning glance at his sister, where she stood with a wicked grin on her face. She winked when she noticed him looking. Goddamnit.

“Have you, Evan?” repeated Zoe, drawing out her words and smiling.

“Um, uh, no?” he replied, scrunching up his nose. “Never kissed anyone, nope, haha! Sad, right?”

“Actually, I think the societal pressures to have your first kiss and lose your virginity is all rather damaging to today’s youth, especially young women, who’s loss of virginity is seen as a ‘rite of passage’, which only increases the notion that girls are inferior to men. As for young boys, well, they feel intense pressure from peers to sleep around, or ‘get laid,’ when in actuality, sex is a different thing for everyone, and should be pursued at one’s own conditions and pace.”

Alana took a breath as everyone stared at her. “You were looking for me?”

Connor thought he heard Evan mutter “holy shit,” and smiled. “You’re right, Alana. “

“About… about society or that you were looking for me?”

Connor laughed. “Both. Evan was wondering if he could join for the poetry club?”

Aland positively beamed. “Of course! It’ll just be us, no-one else seemed interested… So I’ll see you all Wednesday evening? Where do you guys wanna meet?”

“Thought you had that sorted?” Jared asked.

“Contrary to popular belief, I haven’t got the time to sort out absolutely everything.” she snapped.

“Alright, alright! I’ll make a groupchat and we can sort something out on there, okay?” replied Jared, holding his hands up in surrender.

There was a chorus of affirmations, and Zoe and Alana left, dragging a reluctant Jared along with them (“come help us set up some stuff, Jared”). Connor turned to Evan, who pulled his hand away and picked up his pencil, furrowing his brow at the page of equations. “Let’s get this done, shall we?” he sighed.

--

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman added evanlikestrees, alana.beck, zo.eeeee, and con_murphy to the chat.

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: sup nerds

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman changed the chat name to “nerds”

alana.beck: Hi guys!!

zo.eeeee: hi :)

evanlikestrees: hello :))

con_murphy: hi i guess

alana.beck changed the chat name to “Creative Club”

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman changed the chat name to “stooooop”

alana.beck: ?

zo.eeeee: YOUR GONNA MAKE ME DROP MY CROISSAAANTT

evanlikestrees:...What?

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: iS tHaT a WeEd? No it’s a crayo-

zo.eeeee: IM CALLING THE POLICE *beep beep beep*

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: i think im in lov evan NEVER gets my vine references :’))) zoe marry me?

zo.eeeee: i’m a lesbian, jared

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: oh i thought you were american

con_murphy: you’re**

zoe.eeeee: fuck

evanlikestrees: What’s happening???

alana.beck: I haven’t a clue.

evanlikestrees changed the chat name to “Creative Club”

con_murphy: “evanlikestrees”

evanlikestrees: :(

evanlikestrees: Trees are great. Better than people

con_murphy: better than me????????

evanlikestrees: No no no ur my favourite!! :)

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: 1. rude, 2. get a room

alana.beck: So does Wednesday work for everyone, round Connor and Zoe’s house?

con_murphy: why at my house jfc

zo.eeeee: it’s not YOU’RE house, and yeah that’s fine alana :)

evanlikestrees: your**

con_murphy: ayyy

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: yh that works

evanlikestrees: Yep same!!

con_murphy: i suppose i’ll be there

alana.beck: Great! All sorted. I’ll bring the supplies.

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: supplies?

alana.beck: Don’t worry! I’ve got it covered?

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: i wasnt worried before but,,,,, i am now

con_murphy changed the chat name to “alana’s arson plot”

zo.eeeee changed the chat name to “Creative Club”

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman changed the chat name to “alanas arson plot”

evanlikestrees: Fire is bad for trees and can spread especially quickly in forests!! also arson is illegal!

con_murphy: jfc hansen

evanlikestrees: It’s true!!!

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: we know

evanlikestrees changed the chat name to “Creative Club”

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman changed the chat name to “evans a tree fucker”

evanlikestrees: :(

con_murphy changed the chat name to “evan’s a tree fucker”

con_murphy: there we go

evanlikestrees: :(((((((

con_murphy: :)

alana.beck changed the chat name to “Creative Club”

Chapter Text

Wednesday came around. Evan stood nervously on his doorstep, where he was waiting for Jared to pick him up. Connor had offered too, but Jared had already agreed to pick up Alana and Evan’s house was on the way to Connor’s, anyway. Besides, Jared had insisted.

“Hop in, Evan!”

He chuckled and slid into the back seat, offering Alana a tentative wave. He was very glad that Jared was slowly holding off from calling him “Acorn,” though it was a bit weird hearing his actual name from Jared’s mouth.

Before long, they were there, and they all piled into Zoe’s bedroom, where Zoe and Connor were already waiting.

“Alright, so I was thinking we start with...”

“Dude, what the fuck is all this?” exclaimed Jared, pulling markers and charts out of Alana’s duffel bag.

“Oh, that’s ideas for expressing our feelings.”

“Our what?” Connor sounded positively disgusted and Evan couldn’t help but giggle, perched beside him on the window seat.

“Well, I thought we could use this society as a method of expressing how we feel through various artistic mediums.”

“Bold of you to assume Connor has feelings,” sniped Zoe. Evan watched them, worrying his lip between his teeth. He automatically reached for Connor’s hand; if the touch grounded him, it would ground Connor too.

“No, Ev, I’d like a word with my sister.” Connor snapped. He seemed to realise just how harsh his tone was and recoiled, saying “Sorry, Zo, I just wanna talk. Please?”

Jared and Evan watched with bated breath. Alana cut the silence. “Well maybe we can reschedule! I think we should leave Connor and Zoe to sort their stuff out, right boys?” she announced, with a pointed look at Evan and Jared.

“Yeah Evan, c’mon, lets go.”

“No.”

Evan looked up at Connor. “What?”

“Um. Can you wait in my room for me? Please?” Connor asked.

“Uh, yeah, sure, Jared, it’s this wa-”

“Ev. Just you.”

“Oh. Right. Well, bye guys.”

Alana and Jared headed downstairs and he walked into Connor’s bedroom before curling up on the bed atop the covers.

And now we wait.

--

“What do you want? Getting me alone so you can insult me? Hit me? What is it, Connor?”

“I…”

Connor had actually been working himself up to this moment for a few weeks now. He didn’t expect it to occur right in the middle of their club. He’d apologise to Alana later.

“I just wanted to apologise for being such a shitty brother, okay? And I know that doesn’t cut it, I know it doesn’t change anything, but I want to try. I am trying. I want things to be the way they were before.”

His unspoken words hung in the air. Before I started ‘acting up’. Before I got into weed. Before I stopped being a brother and became a monster.

Zoe’s nostrils flared. “That’s it?”

Connor flinched slightly. He deserved that. “I know. I know it's probably pointless but I want to change, if you do? I...I miss you, Zo.”

“I miss you too.” Zoe’s words were harsh. “But you have to be willing to work for it. I was scared of you, Connor. Fucking terrified. Still am. So I don’t know how you’re going to fix that, but if you’re willing to try, then fine.”

Connor gaped. “Really?”

“Doesn’t mean I forgive you, asshole. Just… I'd be lying if I said I didn’t miss you too.”

Connor nodded, and turned to leave the room. “I really am sorry, Zo.”

There was something soft in Zoe’s voice when she answered. “I know.”

--

“Oh, hi Evan! Connor mentioned he was having some friends round.”

Evan jumped. Cynthia stood in the doorway of Connor’s room.

“Oh y-yeah, w-we were d-doing a c-creative society thing?” he stuttered, sitting up and wiping his hands on his jeans. “C-connor’s really good at art. And writing.”

“You’re sweet,” Cynthia beamed. “You two are good for each other. Just hope he doesn’t break your heart, eh?” She laughed, before making herself scarce.

Wait. That meant… that meant Cynthia thought they were dating.

That was definitely a question for Connor when he came back.

--

“Do your parents think we’re dating?”

The question came out of nowhere. They were sitting in relative silence on the bed, watching a nature documentary. Connor had filled Evan in on what happened with Zoe; Evan had smiled and hugged him and Connor practically melted in his arms; Alana and Jared had left to get ice cream; and Zoe was holed up in her room playing the guitar. Connor turned to Evan, wide-eyed.

“Shit! Shit, yeah Larry told Cynthia and Cynthia may have told Zoe. Fuck I’m so sorry I forgot to tell you!”

Yeah, Connor was twisting the truth a little. Connor had told Cynthia, out of fear that she would find out from Larry, and Zoe knew they weren’t dating but was fully aware of Connor’s huge crush on Evan. So. That was that.

“S’fine,” Evan shrugged, pressing closer into Connor’s side. Connor suppressed a shiver. “So they probably think we’re like… making out in here or whatever.”

Connor’s ears burned. “Uh, probably?”

“Cool.”

‘Cool’?

Evan let his hand drift onto Connor’s lower arm, then his hand, tangling their fingers together. He was finding it increasingly hard to keep a straight face whenever Evan would grab his hand. Evan hadn’t been holding off on all the touching and holding hands and cuddles and Connor was seriously struggling to keep his feelings in check, resisting the urge to blurt out his feelings for him at the most random moments.

Footsteps sounded in the corridor, and Evan turned to Connor. “That Cynthia?”

Connor frowned. “Yeah, I dunno? Why?”

Connor barely had time to process what was happening before Cynthia stepped in and Evan’s lips were on his.

He closed his eyes and relaxed into the kiss - hell, if Evan was kissing him he wasn’t gonna complain - letting his hand drift to cup Evan’s jaw. It was soft, open-mouthed, and Connor was kissing the boy of his dreams. His best friend. Who just so happened to be one of the most beautiful beings in the universe.

Evan pulled away, a slight smile on his face. “There. She’s gone now, right?”

Connor gaped at him. “I thought you said no more kissing? What the fuck was that?”

Evan shrugged. “Gotta keep up the pretence for your family, right? That’s if you want to, of course.”

Yes.

“Um, sure, alright.”

“You sure? We don’t have to. We can like, stage a breakup.”

“No, no, it’s fine.” More than fine. “As long as Jared and Alana don’t find out.”

“Fine by me.”

More footsteps sounded in the corridor, heavier, louder.

“It’s Larry this time,” Evan breathed, and before he knew it, Connor was being pulled over him.

“What are you d-”

“Get on top of me.” And then. And then he was straddling Evan’s hips. And Evan dragged his nails over Connor’s back before resting them at the back of Connor’s neck, featherlight against his bare skin. Connor swallowed.

He looked down, right into Evan’s shining eyes, and then he was being pulled closer, closer, and they were making out again and Evan nibbled at his lower lip and Connor opened his mouth slightly to let him in and he was absolutely going to faint. Evan's fingertips grazed the skin at the bottom of Connor's shirt, sending shockwaves of electricity up Connor's spine and they kissed like there was no tomorrow, desperate and fast, deep and slow, making out on the bed like horny teenagers.

Evan pulled away slightly, only to whisper “Kiss my neck,” to which Connor obliged, dipping low and sucking gently at Evan’s pulse point, and Evan let out a whimper that ripped right through Connor’s body.

And then Evan tugged at Connor’s hair and he was gone. He was so totally lost, drunk on love and kisses and false hope and he kissed his way back up to Evan’s perfect lips, hungry, needy, just barely holding back a moan as Evan tangled his hand in his hair and pulled-

“Connor,” Evan mumbled against his mouth, and he could die hearing his name like that, breathy and low. “Connor, I think he’s gone.”

Oh wait, that’s right. None of this was real. Evan didn’t like him.

“Oh,” Connor muttered, pulling away. Evan was still underneath him, pupils blown, hair ruffled and cheeks flushed and oh god his lips. His lips were red and wet and ever so slightly swollen from the impromptu make-out session. Evan trailed his hands lightly down Connor’s back.

“He won’t be mad?”

“Oh, he’ll be mad,” Connor said, settling himself down against Evan’s side, ignoring his racing heartbeat. “But he won’t do anything. He’s homophobic, but like, emphasis on phobia.”

Connor gulped, before adding, “This doesn’t mean anything, does it?”

A beat.

“No? No, why would it mean anything?”

He exhaled.

“Oh, okay. Okay. Good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

--
private chat between evanlikestrees and theinsanelycooljaredkleinman

evanlikestrees: Jared

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: wut

evanlikestrees: I think… I think I like Connor.

theinsanelyjaredkleinman: no shit sherlock what made u realise

evanlikestrees: Okay don’t freak out…

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: ..?

evanlikestrees: We made out a few times

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: EVAN WHAT THE FUCK GHDFSDGHASDGHASFGASG ARE YOU KIDDING ME WHAT THE F U C K TELL ME EVERYTHING

evanlikestrees: It’s fake! We faked it cos of his homophobic dad and yeah he kissed me? When his dad saw me. A couple of weeks back maybe idk. And then i kissed him today when u left cos his family thinks we’re dating and his parents were like bugging us but its fake!! It's just. He’s a good kisser and i like him a lot and I wanted to keep kissing him and also he’s really pretty is that weird?

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: E V A N

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: DUDE

evanlikestrees: But he so obviously doesn’t like me I have no chance :( he only kissed back to keep up the pretence you know?

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: well just kiss him at every opportunity make the most of this lolol

evanlikestrees: I can’t just use him like that Jared

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: welp

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: sucks to be u ig

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: he defo likes u but go off i guess

evanlikestrees: Pft yeah right

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: suit urselfffff

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: come to lush w me tomorrow

evanlikestrees: Uhh no thanks

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: aw come onnn

evanlikestrees: I cant

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: pwease uwu

evanlikestrees: Yeah im definitely not coming now you’ve uwued me, jesus christ jared

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: ur jewish uwu

evanlikestrees: Can we end this conversation now i wanna go bed

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: well goodnight then

evanlikestrees: nightt

Chapter Text

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: alright guys who’s coming to lush with me

con_murphy: so u can eat bathbombs??

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: how tf do u kno that

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: EVAN

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: TRAITOR

alana.beck:...You eat bathbombs?

evanlikestrees: (he likes the ones with sparkles the best)

zo.eeeee: thats not???? Healthy???

alana.beck: Or safe.

evanlikestrees: Its fine he just bites them and then spits it out

evanlikestrees: He likes the aroma?? And the crunch???

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: shUT UP THEY DONT NEED TO KNOW

con_murphy: exposed

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: fuck u

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: so are ya’ll coming to lush or not

evanlikestrees: Fineeeee

con_murphy: u put the apostrophe in the wrong place in y’all

alana.beck: Isn’t this chat supposed to be used for our creative society?

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: yal’l are my friends now whether you like it or not

zo.eeeee: yal’l

con_murphy: nah he did it on purpose that time

con_murphy: also who said i was ur friend

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: bitch u love me

con_murphy: i don’t love anybody

zo.eeeee: eDgY

evanlikestrees: Except me

con_murphy: okay yeah maybe except evan

evanlikestrees: <3!!

con_murphy: (:

zo.eeeee: ew

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: gay

zo.eeeee: same

con_murphy: same

alana.beck: Same

evanlikestrees: Haha same

zo.eeeee: did we really all just do that at the same time

con_murphy: yup

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: if ur up for lush meet at evan’s at 10

--

Do I like Connor? Or do I just like kissing him? Is this just me projecting my touchstarvedness onto the first person who’s willing to put up with it as well as being even remotely nice? Is that it? I like him because he’s nice and he puts up with me being clingy? Am I lying to myself? Do I like Connor?

Evan was in the middle of an intense heated debate with himself about his kind-of-crush of Connor when his car pulled up.

“Hola, fuckers! Where’s ‘Lana and Zo?”

Evan fidgeted with his shirt as he climbed into the back seat of Connor’s car after Jared. “They couldn’t come, I don’t think.”

“Yeah, they’re probably making out in Zoe’s bedroom. You would know, right Connor? The walls do seem to be pretty thin…”

Connor glared at Jared through the mirror. “Don’t ever refer to my sister in any kind of sexual context in front of me again. For your own sake.”

“Chill, chill!” Jared laughed. “Also Evan, I purposefully left you shotgun so that you could sit up front with your boyfriend, what the fuck are you doing?”

“He’s not-”

“Just say thanks, and go.”

Evan flushed slightly and scrambled out the car, before re-entering, now in the front passenger seat.

Connor’s eyes were soft when he looked at him. “Hey.”

“Uh. H-hi.”

They stared at each other for a moment, before Evan forced himself to tear his eyes away. He let out a little squeak when something brushed his neck.

Connor rested his hand upon Evans’s shoulder, using the other one to fiddle at his neck.

“Your collar’s wonky.”

The intensity of his gaze made him flush, and he mumbled a quick “thank you”.

“There. I, um, I like your shirt. It suits you.”

“Oh. Oh, thanks.”

Jared coughed loudly and both of them jumped. “Let’s get going, lovebirds!”

Evan glanced at Connor, who rolled his eyes and threw the car into gear, tearing down the road to the mall.

--

Okay, so maybe Connor had underestimated just how into Lush Jared was. The second they entered the storefront Jared rushed in, picking up the nearest product and sniffing at it way too enthusiastically.

“Mnhghhhh…”

Connor’s eyes widened. “What in the everloving fuck is he doing?”

“He does this everytime. That’s why I didn’t want to come, I actually usually just wander around and pretend I don’t know him,” Evan replied, tugging at Connor’s arm. Connor stifled a giggle as Jared let out another moan.

“No, no, I wanna watch this.”

Evan proceeded to duck behind a nearby display stand as Connor tried and failed to muffle his laughter. Jared was picking up every single bath bomb on display, before sniffing them and presenting the entire shop with his verdict; either in the form of a disgruntled huff and furrowing of the brows, or a slightly disturbing moan of delight, during which his entire face would light up.

“Oh my fucking God. Oh my god.” Connor spluttered in between laughs.

“Connor!” Evan hissed, and he spun around, only to see a mildly furious Evan peeking out at him from behind a display of ‘sensual body wash’. The sight was too much for him, and he promptly burst out laughing, turning any heads that weren’t already focused on Jared, who had by this point sunken to his knees.

“Everyone’s looking at us now! C-Connor! Look!”

Evan gestured wildly at an approaching employee, who began to reprimand them and politely requested that they leave the store.

“Wh-What about him?” Connor retorted, waving his arm in Jared’s general direction.

The employee lowered his voice. “Not that it’s any of your business, but he’s actually one of our main sources of income, and therefore a highly valued customer. So please could you leave.”

Evan unceremoniously dragged Connor out the door.

--

Connor was positively howling.

"The bath bombs make him horny?"

"And he moans in the middle of lush, yes." Evan deadpanned. Connor apparently took him seriously and collapsed against the nearby railing.

“No, you idiot, that’s just...Jared being Jared. They don’t make him h-horny. He just makes weird noises.”

“I just…” Connor wheezed. “Jesus fucking Christ. Just...wow.”

Evan rolled his eyes, unable to dispel the smile tugging at his lips. “Let's find somewhere to wait.”

Connor hauled himself up from the ground, grabbing at Evan’s outstretched hand. A shiver ran through him when Connor didn’t let go; instead tangling their fingers together before they set off towards the food court.

Electricity ran up Evan’s spine. He was always the one who initiated any kind of physical contact between the two of them, grabbing Connor's hand at every opportunity, pulling him into hugs, leaning against him at random moments.

But this time Connor had grabbed his hand and was holding on tight, and he’d be lying if he said it didn’t make his heart soar.

But then. But then that was a problem because it solidified the truth. Evan was just sad and lonely and touch starved, and Connor just so happened to be here, and touching him, and no. No, he didn’t like Connor. He didn’t.

He just liked being held, that was all.

Platonic affection. That was what Evan needed.

So no harm done if he took advantage of a few kisses now and again, right?

--

to: jared
I don’t like him I’m just touch starved

from: jared
wut
so what was all the bullshit about kissing him then
also whyd you leave me in lush smh
bitch where r u

to: jared
Yeah I think Im just needy and again, touch starved
Food court, Connor went for a smoke

from: jared
uhhhh that makes no sense but whatever

to: jared
No i swear i dont like him. I just like it when he touches me

from: jared
too much information evan

to: jared
Not like taht oh my god!!!

from: jared
so he touches you huh ;)))))))

to: jared
JARED NO

Chapter Text

“Are you free on Saturday?” Connor murmured, quiet enough so that only Evan could hear. They were in the school library again, accompanied not only by Jared, but by Alana and Zoe as well. In all honesty, Connor wasn’t paying the slightest attention to what they were meant to be doing; Jared was currently attempting to stab Zoe’s face with a highlighter while Alana, bent over them, attempted to fight him off. Evan, sitting next to Connor, was watching them with a faint smile, forehead creased, pen held to his lips.

“Hm?” Evan replied, turning his head slightly. He then frowned down at Connor’s legs, which were uncomfortably folded beneath himself as he sat cross-legged on his chair. “Dude, your legs are way too long for that to be comfortable.”

Connor tried to ignore the little part of his brain screaming he thinks your legs are long that means he’s looked at your legs, instead replying, “Did you just call me dude?”

Evan grinned. “Maybe. Here.” He rested a hand on Connor’s shin, as though asking for permission, and Connor carefully untangled his legs and let Evan pull him closer so his legs lay across Evan’s lap. “Better?”

“Mhm, yeah, thank you.” Connor smiled, tucking his hair absentmindedly behind his ear. “So?”

“What?” Evan asked. Evidently he didn’t hear Connor ask him the question, or he had forgotten. Connor tampered down the frustration rising within him as Alana rounded the table.

“‘Lana, d’you need a chair?” Jared interjected. Sure enough, Alana eyes darted swiftly around their cramped space, looking for a spare seat.

“Wait, Alana, y-you can- hold on.”

Connor looked at Evan confusedly. His intention became clear when he found himself being tugged closer, closer, till he was nestled sideways on Evan’s lap, his arms wrapped around his waist.

Evan smiled up at him and Connor felt his ears burning, sure that Jared’s wicked glare was fixated on them right this minute.

But when he turned his head, it wasn’t Jared’s smirk that bothered him, but rather Zoe’s knowing smile.

Ah, fuck. Evan thought that Zoe knew but didn’t know that Zoe didn’t know that Evan knew and furthermore didn’t know that actually, Zoe didn’t know.

Just thinking about it made his brain hurt.

Either way, he’d have to let Zoe in on the whole fake-dating fiasco. Without Evan knowing.

But right now, he was just going to focus on Evan’s voice floating below him, Evan’s arms around his waist, Evan’s breath against his skin and Evan’s lips against his own and Evan’s hand in his hair and-

Get it together, Connor.

Evan shifted slightly beneath him, tightening his arms around Connor's waist, and Connor rested his chin atop Evan's head, draping his arm around his shoulders.

Connor tried again. “Are you free Saturday?”

“I think so?”

Connor took a deep breath, before leaning in so he was whispering in Evan’s ear. “Cynthia wants to meet you,” he breathed, screwing his eyes shut.

“O-oh.”

“Yeah.”

--

Saturday came, and Evan wavered nervously on Connor’s doorstep. Luckily, when he eventually mustered up the courage to knock, it was Connor who opened the door, who immediately dragged him upstairs into his room.

“Your door’s back,” Evan commented, as said door swung shut behind him. Connor let out a strained laugh.

“Yeah, Cynthia put it back all by herself, can you believe that? Says I need my privacy now…” He gestured vaguely towards Evan. “Anyway. We need to get our story straight.”

Oh right. Their “story”.

“Um, so we’ve been dating, how long?” Evan started, joining Connor on the bed.

“Well, maybe 2 weeks or so? Does that sound okay?”

Evan nodded, and a burst of...something flashed across Connor’s face. Evan couldn’t pinpoint the emotion or feeling exactly, but evidently it was something big or important, as Connor leapt off the bed, and assuring Evan that he would be right back, ran to Zoe’s room.

He was decidedly confused, but let it slide, moving to sit in Connor’s desk chair and spinning around aimlessly.

What was it about desk chairs that made you want to spin in them? He didn’t think he’d met anyone who didn’t immediately spin in a desk chair as soon as they sat down on it; was it because the chair itself was equipped with wheels and that meant people just had to make use of them, or was it the actual spinning itself that was enjoyable? But surely if humans loved spinning so much, they would put wheels on every chair...

Evan shook himself back into the present before he could slip into a desk-chair induced spiral. He let his eyes drift over the multiple notebooks scattered across Connor’s desk, none of which seemed to be school-related, aside from Connor’s battered copy of the assigned reading of Hamlet.

He focused on a black spiral notebook that looked to be very well-thumbed, brushing his hand over the cover before letting his fingertips curl at the edge. One peek couldn’t hurt, right?

---

"Zoe Zoe Zoe Zoe Zoe Zoe Zoe Zo-"

"What?!" Zoe yelled. Connor stood in the doorway, panting and very red in the face. "What the fuck?"

"I gotta tell you something."

Connor watched as Zoe slowly, slowly spun around in her desk chair, sliding down her earbuds.

"What is it?"

"Well…"

Connor crossed and uncrossed his arms. There was no easy way to do this.

"Me and Evan, we… well. We kind of might be fake-dating." He winced in preparation.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!"

"Keep it down! He's next door," Connor hissed. "Ugh, let me just get this all over with before you bombard me with questions, so basically, remember that time we kissed? Or well, I kissed him...anyway. After that, after the creative society thing round here, remember I asked Evan to stay, well. I had already told Cynthia about us, because you know Larry already saw and-”

“Get to the point!”

Connor huffed out a sigh. “We made out, okay? Properly.”

Zoe let out a high pitched shriek, eyes round, face stretched into a wide, almost scary grin.

“So you have to go along with it. He thinks that you think we’re dating.”

“Alright, alright, I get the situation now.”

Connor exhaled. “Thanks,” he muttered, before making himself haste.

--

“You’re back!”

Evan grinned up at Connor and beckoned him to the bed. Connor’s eyes flicked around the room, raking over his walls, his bed, his desk…

The desk where a certain black-covered notebook lay about 10 inches left of where Connor had left it.

Shit.

Connor’s eyes rested on him, eyebrows raised. “You looked in my notebook.”

It wasn’t phrased as a question, but Evan nodded anyway, wary. “I- C-Connor please let me explain I was-”

“What did you see?”

“Just… Just a poem, I think?”

Evan could pinpoint the exact moment that the anger shot through Connor’s body. “You think?”

“It was! Uh, it was definitely a poem, I don’t think, I know it was a poem and I’m really really sorry you can- you can tell me to leave I totally get it if you don’t want to speak to me anymore or anything I’m so sorry I fucked it up Connor I fucked it up-”

He fucked it up. He fucked up the one good thing he had going for him for a stupid poem, because he was stupid, he was so, so stupid…

“Hey.”

He looked up through a haze of tears. Connor’s voice wasn’t angry.

I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.

Evan had always thought that disappointment was worse.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, I’m not mad, okay?”

A weight joined him on the bed; a hand joined his. Words formed. “...You’re not?”

Sharp laughter. “Well, I am a little. But you didn’t fuck it up, you didn’t fuck anything up, because I-” Connor cleared his throat, hesitant, “I love you, you know that, I’m not gonna leave you, I’m not gonna let you leave me, okay?”

Sometimes Evan feels unlovable. Sometimes he thinks he’s not worthy of love. But there are the people who are there, the people who stay. The people like Connor.

And Evan loves him.

“T-Thanks, Connor. I- I love you too.”

Connor's voice was perhaps the softest he had ever heard it when he replies.

“I know.”

Chapter Text

An hour or so later and they’re still curled up on the bed together, scrolling through Netflix. Evan had Connor nestled in-between his outstretched legs, one of his hands resting at the soft curve of Connor’s hip, the other wrapped tightly around his middle. Evan also had his chin hooked over Connor's shoulder, occasionally pressing his face into Connor’s neck when something on screen scared him.

Evan wasn’t an idiot. They were far more tactile than most normal friends; anyone looking at them from the outside would presume they were a couple, from the way they always seemed to be touching. But they had a different thing going on for them; Evan valued touch the way one might value an asthma inhaler; touch grounded him, kept him from floating away, kept him calm. It was also necessary to keep him breathing. More than that, touch made him happy. He would be content to stay here, Connor in his arms, for forever.

Describing the feeling being close to Connor gave him...well.

It was like someone had lit a match, deep in his stomach, and smothered it with blankets. But despite the weight and fluffiness of the many, many blankets, the match continued to burn, a soft glowing warmth.

Touch had never been like this for Evan before. It had always calmed him, sure, but nothing had yet matched the heat pooling in his insides, the way he almost melted, when Connor touched him.

He didn’t want to question it, so he just held on, tight tight tight to this amazing feeling, held on to Connor, in his arms, because if this was the one simple thing that made him happy, he wasn’t gonna change it for the world, and he sure as hell was going to get as much of it as he could.

Footsteps, again, in the corridor, drew Evan out of his own head. There was a knock at the door, and Connor turned to Evan, wide-eyed.

“Should we…?”

The door swung open, interrupting Connor mid-question. Larry stood there, averting his gaze. Evan smirked, planting a chaste kiss on Connor’s cheek, smoothing a stray lock of hair out of his face from where it had fallen from his bun.

“I love you, babe,” Connor murmured, blushing, and Evan’s lips fell apart at the pet name, but it wasn’t long until they were being captured with Connor’s own, soft and messy. Evan heard Larry clear his throat, but elected to ignore it as Connor made a little noise at the back of his throat, gripping Evan’s face with his hands, deepening the kiss.

“Dinner, Connor,” Larry growled, far louder than was really necessary, before storming off. Evan pulled away, and Connor settled back into Evan’s arms as he giggled helplessly.

“What?”

“You- You called me babe.”

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Connor muttered into his hands, where his face was now buried.

Evan prodded his cheek. “Awww, look at that. The big, bad, Connor Murphy is embarrassed.”

Connor slowly shifted around; Evan had to bite at his cheek to resist bursting out laughing again at the scathing look on his face, one eyebrow raised. “‘Big bad Connor Murphy’?” he spat, incredulous.

Evan beamed, wrapping both arms around Connor’s torso and pulling him just that bit closer. “M’joking, you know that. Right?”

Connor relaxed into his arms. “I know. Don’t worry.” He then proceeded to catch hold of one of Evan’s hands, lacing their fingers together and leaning back into Evan slightly further.

“Uh, Connor?”

“Mm?"

“You’re really okay with this?” Evan’s voice was small.

Connor used his other hand to grab Evan’s other hand. “Okay with what?” he asked nonchalantly.

He then proceeded to wriggle out of Evan’s arms for a moment before flipping over, resting his head on Evan's chest, tangling their legs together and letting go of his hands in order to throw an arm onto his hip. Connor moved his face to press into the crook of Evan’s neck, sighing contentedly, shuffling around, before settling in a position where he was half on top of Evan.

Evan swallowed around the lump in his throat.

“Nothing.”

--

They headed downstairs for dinner, having sorted out the details of their fake relationship. Connor held Evan's hand, squeezing it reassuringly.

He wasn't sure if he was trying to reassure Evan or himself.

Sitting at the table was Zoe and Cynthia. No Larry.

Thank fuck.

They took seats next to each other, Connor still gripping Evan's hand like a lifeline. Cynthia smiled tightly and plated up, glancing to the clock.

“Well, it’s a pity your father isn’t home.”

Connor and Zoe exchanged significant looks. “He is home, we saw him.”

“Oh.” Cynthia looked momentarily stunned. “Oh, okay. Well maybe he’s in the garage.”

Connor bristled at the unfairness of it all; if he was so much as 5 minutes late to his mother or father’s call for dinner it would result in a shouting match. Not pretty.

He hated double standards.

“Sorry about the food,” he muttered, through the corner of his mouth, to Evan, who was gaping at his plate. Zoe sniggered and Connor shot her a death glare. Luckily, Cynthia was oblivious, slicing away at some kind of joint of meat.

“Uh, um, excuse m-me?”

Even Connor winced at Evan’s stutter. He squeezed at Evan’s hand, which now gripped his with a vice-like grip.

“Is that um, i-is that p-pork?”

Connor saved his mother the trouble of answering. “Yeah, it’s gammon.”

“With a honey glaze!” Cynthia added brightly.

“Oh, well, see, um,” Evan screwed his eyes shut. “Um, I’m Jewish and I don’t eat pork? We don’t actually follow kosher that much really by that I mean Heidi and I Heidi’s my mom but, uh, that’s like the one thing we don’t do and I am so sorry for being an inconvenience it’s just-”

“Oh no, that’s perfectly alright! I made this vegetarian meatloaf as well, so you can just have that!”

Connor met eye-contact with Zoe and almost burst out laughing.

Poor Evan.

“O-oh! Thank you, Mrs Murphy.”

Cynthia beamed at him. “Cynthia. And it’s quite alright, Evan.”

“Alright, let’s just eat before Larry gets back,” said Connor, rolling his eyes. Cynthia shot him what was presumably a Motherly Glare, which he ignored, as he poked at the gammon on his plate with a fork before shoving a piece in his mouth.

“Oh shit, this is actually good,” he proclaimed around a mouthful of gammon.

“Language, Connor, but thank you.” Cynthia looked expectantly at Evan, who was chewing slowly at a piece of meatloaf.

“Y-yeah, um, it’s really good! Really good.” Evan flinched visibly from the sheer force and suddenness of his own words.

“Alright, so...” Cynthia started, glancing teasingly round the table. Connor tensed and tried to indicate by another squeeze of the hand to Evan that they were about to receive a barrage of questions. Well-meaning ones, but still.

“How did you boys get together?” Cynthia directed the question at Evan, but Connor jumped in to save him the pressure and trouble of answering.

“We, uh, we got together about two weeks ago, right Evan?”

Evan nodded vigorously, and Connor continued.

“I’ve liked Evan for a while now, and-”

“Awww,” Zoe cooed, and Connor kicked her under the table before continuing.

“And then I asked him out and we went to a coffee shop and yeah.”

“And is Connor nice to you?” Zoe asked, warranting another kick from him.

Evan started slightly before answering, turning to Connor with a small smile. “He’s actually, uh, the best. He’s my favourite person.”

Zoe snorted, and anger flared up in him. But then Evan kept talking without a hint of a stutter.

“He’s always there for me. He’s so so kind, and talented, and funny, and he tries really hard, even when things are hard for him. He's the only person who can completely talk me down from a panic attack.”

Connor’s breath caught in his throat.

“He writes, he doodles cute little faces in the corners of margins, he writes in books which I’d normally consider a crime against humanity but his little notes are just so fascinating and insightful and just...just wonderful. Connor is wonderful.”

Evan is looking at him, properly now, and his whole face breaks out into a smile, the brightest thing Connor has ever seen.

“Also he’s beautiful. Like, he’s just so unfairly pretty.”

Fuck. Connor was not expecting that. His entire face burned, along with his ears, and he covered his face with his hands, shaking his head.

Slowly, Evan prised his hands away from his face. “So pretty, Connor.” he repeated, quieter.

“I’m uh, I’m done with my food. Evan, d’you wanna come with me to A La Mode? Get some ice-cream?” Connor asks, far too quickly.

“Oh! Oh, uh, sure. Thanks for the food, Cynthia, it was wond-”

Connor turned with Evan to look at his mother, only to find her dabbing at her eyes with a napkin. Evan turned to face him again, shocked.

Oh for God’s sake, not now.

He grabbed Evan’s hand and practically dragged him out the door, leaving behind a crying Cynthia and a very stunned Zoe.

--

Evan followed Connor to his car, climbing in the passenger seat. It’s only when they’ve been driving for about 5 minutes that the silence hits him.

“C-Connor?”

He turns to him immediately, eyes ablaze. “Why would you make up all that shit?”

What?

“I didn’t make anything up. I, uh, read your poem, remember? And I see you doodle in class and they’re always reall-”

“Not that shit. The stuff after. About...about me being pretty. You don’t have to suck up to Cynthia like that, she’ll expect us to end up married.” A short bark of laughter explodes out of Connor’s mouth, harsh and violent.

“I don’t...what?”

Connor responded with a huffed sigh, drumming his fingers on the wheel.

“But I didn’t make anything up?”

They’re at a stop light now, so Connor looks at him, his expression cold. “Not funny, Evan.”

“But- But- what?”

Connor turns his eyes back to the road, sighing again.

It’s another minute before Evan speaks up again.

“But you are pretty, Connor. You’re really pretty.”

“Stop!” Connor snapped. “Stop lying for no reason, okay? Cynthia’s not here right now, you don’t have to-”

“Connor. I-I guess you don’t believe me, but I’m not lying, I really do think you’re very pretty.”

The air between them thickens, and dissipates.

“What?”

The words spewed out of him like lava. “You’re just so beautiful , Connor you have the most lovely blue eyes and then one of them has the brown in it which is really really cool and your jaw is just so perfect especially when your hair is up and oh my god your hair is the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen it’s so soft and when the light hits you right you look positively ethereal and you’re just so insanely pretty. You are. So pretty.”

His eyes widened as he realised what he’d just said. “Uh, no homo?”

Connor laughed at that. Proper, full on, cackled. Evan laughed with him, sneaking glances at Connor’s face, which was thrown back, creased up, light and happy and-

Evan really didn’t understand why Connor didn’t think he was pretty.

The car came to a stop in front of A La Mode, and Evan turns to see Connor looking at him. “You really think so?”

“Connor, I think you’re beautiful.” His voice is firm.

Connor let out another laugh, softer than before. “Lets go inside.”

The bell rang as they stepped inside, warmth enveloping them. Evan instinctively grabbed for Connor’s hand at the sight of the queue, and Connor took it without question, walking them over to the menu board. Much to Evan’s dismay, Connor paid, leading them over to a tiny booth, ice-cream cups balanced precariously in his hands.

And then Evan watched in amazement as Connor produced a metal spoon from his pocket.

“You-”

“Good for the environment, right?”

Evan’s heart swelled and he couldn’t physically stop himself from grinning. Connor had actually paid attention to him. Sure, it was something small, but didn’t that make it all the more significant?

They ate their ice-cream, knees knocking together under the table, talking about nothing and everything.

And that was enough.

Chapter Text

Connor stared at himself in the bathroom mirror, barely able to hold back the small smile tugging at his lips.

Evan thought he was pretty.

He groaned audibly as he caught himself grinning. There was no point getting his hopes up. Evan meant it in a totally dude-y, bro-y way. An observation if you will, albeit a terrible one. There was no way in hell that Evan actually liked him.

It was just so hard. Evan was far too good at the whole fake-dating thing, and Connor’s poor gay disaster heart wasn’t equipped to deal adeptly with a problem of this proportion. Because Evan kissed him! Several times! And then just carried on kissing him and holding his hand and playing with his hair and cuddling him like it was nothing. It wasn’t like Evan held back, either; the second he heard any kind of noise in the corridor while they were both working, and he would pull Connor to him desperately, locking his mouth with his frantically, kissing hard and fast and passionate and tender and one of these days Connor was going to explode.

Even when no-one was there. It was an instinct, a mutual understanding, that they would somehow end up touching in some way. Because Evan was far too touch starved, and Connor made him feel safe.

If Connor tried to count the times he’d reminded himself firmly that it was all strictly platonic, he’d come up with a number in the thousands.

Every time Connor got his hopes up, he only had to remember one short sentence, said shortly after the second (third?) time they’d kissed.

‘No? No, why would it mean anything?’

--

“Con. Connor. Coooonnoooor.”

“Hm?” Connor looked up from the page of his book. They were in the library again, his legs over Evan’s lap, and Evan was trying to catch his attention. “Yeah?”

“Alana said something but I don’t think you heard.”

“Sorry Alana. What’d you say?”

“I was just asking where you were up to?”

“Well, I started like ten minutes ago, so not very far.” Connor snapped, before sighing. “Sorry, that was rude. I don’t like being interrupted while reading.”

See, Alana was trying to get Connor to read Emma, by Jane Austen. He’d read Pride and Prejudice already, but after a passionate ramble during which they had deduced Alana had actually liked Emma for more than just it’s literary merit, Connor had decided to read it.

Evan had underestimated how smart Connor actually was. He only really realised when that particular discussion had happened and he couldn’t contribute anything to it because, really, who reads classic literature for fun outside of Connor Murphy and Alana Beck?

“Oh, that’s quite alright.”

“Sorry,” Connor muttered again, before turning back to his book. A strand of hair fell in his face and Evan watched as he gritted his teeth, resisting the urge to push it away. Evan knew that if he did, he would get distracted again, meaning he’d have to start the page again, and that would just be downright frustrating.

So Evan leant forward and tucked the hair behind Connor’s ear, and watched as a small smile quirked at Connor’s lips. He twitched his leg so that his knee nudged Evan’s stomach, a ‘thanks’ of sorts. Evan absent-mindedly rested his hand on Connor’s thigh as a response.

Zoe was at the table too, chewing at a pencil, earbuds in. Jared was doing something in the computer lab, and Alana was working on an essay. Evan, meanwhile, had nothing to do.

Connor had apparently told Zoe that they didn’t want to be outed as a couple at school, so they didn’t need to keep up the pretence at school. So only Zoe out of their little group thought they were dating. Which made things simultaneously much easier and much harder.

Connor slammed the book shut, letting his forehead drop to the table.

“Hey,” Evan started, leaning over and placing his hand on Connor’s back, who jerked away from the touch, pulling his legs off Evan’s lap, crossing and uncrossing them. “Shit- sorry. You okay?”

Connor let out a growl of sorts before covering his hands with his ears and shaking his head. “’M gonna explode.”

Wordlessly, Evan slid Connor his hoodie, and Connor tugged it on over his long-sleeved shirt, hands scrabbling at his wrists for a hair tie.

“Zoe, d’you have a hair thing? For Connor.”

Zoe took one look at Evan’s pleading face and gently placed her purple scrunchie in front of Connor, who immediately snatched it up, pulling his hair back tightly into a bun, before pulling the hood up and tightening the strings as tight as they would go. Evan left his hand on the table, an offering, and Connor took it, grasping it tight enough to turn his own knuckles white.

Evan glanced to Zoe, then to Alana, wondering how to communicate effectively to them what was happening. Instead he pulled out his phone, typing left-handed.

evanlikestrees: Hes having a sensory overload so any kind of like stimulation will bother him right now Ive had a fair few of these and theyre not very nice so just let him cool off

alana.beck: Okay Evan thanks for letting us know!

zo.eeeee: stimulation?

evanlikestrees: So like noise, touch, etc

zo.eeeee: ah

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: whats happening fuckers

evanlikestrees: Dont worry go focus on ur coding

theinsanelycooljaredkleinman: -_-

It was around 10 minutes later when Connor pulled down the hood from his head with a sigh, releasing Evan’s hand. Evan clenched and unclenched it a few times to get the blood flow going again, and Connor shot him an apologetic look, pulling out his phone.

private chat between evanlikestrees and con.murphy

con.murphy: thanks
con.murphy: sorry about ur hand

“No problem,” Evan said out loud, and Zoe and Alana’s heads shot up. Connor smiled at him before turning back to his phone.

con.murphy: can i hug you

Evan opened his arms and Connor collapsed into them, burying his nose in Evan’s t-shirt, and slinging one of his legs back over Evan’s lap. Evan smiled slightly and tugged him so that they were impossibly close, Evan’s arms around his waist, Connor clinging onto him like a sloth about to fall off a branch.

“You’re the best, Ev.” Connor whispered, his smile evident in his voice.

Zoe coughed loudly and Connor slid back onto his own seat, picking up the book again, but then a faint blush staining his ears and cheeks. Evan hid a smile of his own, picking up his phone.

evanlikestrees: You okay now?

He waited for Connor to check his own phone.

con.murphy: yeah i’m all good thank you so so much it means a lot <3

Evan couldn’t hide his smile this time.

evanlikestrees: <3

--

“Okay but Emma seems like a self-centred bitch and I love her for it.”

Connor was walking to English with Alana, having parted ways with Evan and Zoe, who were headed for Calc.

“I know, right? She actually seems real.”

“Exactly! The portrayal of female characters in literature is always so weirdly altered from how women actually are in real life and it disgusts me.”

Alana beamed at him. “You get it!”

Connor laughed, looking at his shoes. “I’m glad you’re my friend, Alana.”

He pretended not to notice the way Alana perked up slightly, a smile tugging at her features. “Thank you. I’m glad we’re close acquaintances.”

He laughed again, bumping Alana with his shoulder. “You can say friends, y’know.”

“Connor, if I tell you something, will you promise not to tell anyone?”

“Fire away, i guess?”

“I like your sister.”

Jesus, what was with almost all his friends liking Zoe?

“No shit, Sherlock. She likes you too, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“I- what? Really?”

Connor resisted the urge to roll his eyes at Alana’s shining eyes, her hopeful expression. “Have you seen the way she looks at you? It’s like you hung the moon, it’s disgusting.”

Alana giggled. “I could say the same for the way Evan looks at you.”

“Wh-What?”

It was Alana’s turn to roll her eyes. “He can’t keep his hands off you.”

“But- What- No! That doesn’t mean anything, I swear, it’s just, a thing we have...” Connor spluttered.

Alana snorted. “Very convincing.”

“Shut up! Evan’s just really touch-starved and also, well...” Alana raised her eyebrows.

“Look, you can’t tell anyone, alright? But I kind of might be fake-dating Evan as a ploy to piss off my homophobic dad and it’s let to some situations.”

“Situations?”

Connor squeezed his eyes shut. “He like, makes out with me. To keep up the pretence.”

“He what?”

“Shut up!”

“Dude, Evan couldn’t kiss just anyone, he radiates anxiety! There’s no way this is all just platonic.”

Connor sighed, before opening his eyes. “Did you seriously just call me dude?”

“Maybe...”

“And no. I’m not getting my hopes up, okay? He said it doesn’t mean anything.”

Alana wrinkled her nose, obviously disagreeing. “Okay.”

Connor groaned in frustration. “But he’s so cute, Alana.”

“Here we go.”

“His eyes light up when he talks about trees! And he actually pays attention to nature documentaries and it’s the cutest shit and his smile is literally the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen and he’s so kind you saw what he did just now! And when he kisses me holy fucking shit... He tugs at my hair Alana how is this even legal like I swear I could faint.”

Connor tugged at his hair in frustration. “God, Alana, I’m so gay.”

Alana raised her hand in a fist bump. “Solidarity. Now, do you want me to ramble about your sister or...?”

“Ugh God, no thank you. Ew.”

Alana laughed properly at that, holding one hand in front of her mouth. “Hm. Seems unfair but okay.”

“Hey, I don’t have a crush on your brother.”

“Fair.”

They walked in silence for a moment before Connor groaned again. “And he told me I was pretty! In front of my mom! And when I accused him of lying he did his cute ramble-y thing only he rambled about me and just agh!”

Alana sent him a look, which Connor knew he was supposed to interpret as “are you stupid or what” but instead ignored, sliding a hand down his face.

Connor just about caught what she muttered under her breath.

“Both of you are absolute disasters.”

Chapter Text

“Evan, honey, where were you on Saturday?”

“At Connor’s house.”

Heidi looked up. “That’s great! How is he?”

“Good,” Evan mumbled. He was currently very focused on a sketch.

“What’re you doing?”

“Drawing.”

“Yes, I can see that,” Heidi chuckled. “What are you drawing?”

Well. Evan was trying to draw Connor. He wasn’t the artist of the two, not even close, but Connor’s birthday was coming up and he had a whole plan for what he was going to give him.

And one of those things just happened to include a sketch of Connor.

“Connor,” he exhaled, grabbing an eraser and beginning to smudge out a line he wasn’t quite happy with.

By the time Heidi had walked over him he’d erased half the jaw. “Honey, that’s so good! How come you’re...”

“It’s his birthday soon and this is part of his present.”

“Oh! Okay. Are you two...

“Yeah,” Evan replied absent-mindedly. Oh well. He’d deal with the repercussions of that later; right now he just wanted to get Connor’s damn jaw right.

Heidi clapped her hands together enthusiastically. “I’m so happy for you, Evan, that’s wonderful!”

“Mhm.”

“I’ll leave you to it, then!”

That caught Evan’s attention. “Thought you were staying for dinner?”

Heidi’s face twisted into an unhappy smile as she laid out her excuse, an extra shift she had to take, and Evan shrugged his shoulders resignedly, calling out a “love you!” as Heidi backed out the door.

He couldn’t quite make out a reply.

Sighing, Evan turned back to his page, and promptly tore it out.

to: connor
Hey are you doing anything

from: connor
nah

to: connor
Come over?

from: connor
sure :)

--

Connor knocked on the door and Evan opened it right away, as though he’d been standing there waiting. Connor barely had time to process this before Evan pulled him into a hug. “Hey,” Evan whispered, breath hot against his neck.

“Hi,” Connor replied, pulling away with a smile.

“Can we go and watch a movie or something?”

“Sure.”

They ended up on the couch under a blanket, Connor’s legs over Evan’s lap.

“What do you want to-”

“High School Musical.” Evan replied instantly.

“Wha- okay?”

Evan grinned at him and pressed play. Not even a minute had passed before he pressed pause. Connor shot him a confused look. Evan shrugged. “C’mere?”

“Huh?”

Evan shifted his eyes around the room. “C-Can- Can I play with your hair? It’s just that I’ve been having a bad day for no reason and I just hate it and I usually pick at my nails but I’ve been trying to stop but I need something to do with my hands and- I’m sorry you totally don’t have to that was really weird ignore me-”

Well. Connor wasn’t about to refuse. “Sure you can. How should I...?”

“Oh, um, you can- you could-” Evan gestured at his lap.

Connor lowered himself so his head lay in Evan’s lap, looking up and making direct eye contact. “Hi.”

“Hey,” Evan giggled.

Evan started the movie again, and let his hand rest in Connor’s hair. Slowly, he began running his fingers through it, catching on any knots and untangling them as gently as possible. Connor suppressed a shiver.

“I can’t believe we’re watching High School Musical.” Connor laughed. He had to talk or he would go crazy.

“It’s iconic and I needed something to cheer me up.”

“Woah woah woah. High School Musical doesn’t even come close to being as iconic as Mean Girls.”

Evan’s hands stilled. “I’ve never seen Mean Girls.”

Connor sat up. “What?!”

“I’ve never seen Mean Girls.” Evan repeated, smiling slightly. “Why, is it any good?”

“What the fuck?!” Connor screeched, jumping off the couch and standing directly in front of Evan, hands on his hips. “You have got to be kidding me.”

“Nope,” Evan said, popping the ‘p’.

“Jesus fucking Christ. That’s it. We’re watching Mean Girls right now or I’ll never hug you again.”

Evan gasped, placing his hand over his heart “You wouldn’t!”

“I would,” Connor replied smugly, sitting back down on the opposite end of the couch, as far away from Evan as he could get.

“Noooo,” Evan cried, flinging himself into Connor’s arms dramatically. Connor choked out a laugh as his cheeks burned bright red; Evan shuffled around till he was draped almost artistically over Connor’s lap. “We’ll watch Mean Girls.”

“You gotta move so I can put it on.”

Evan pouted and slid back onto the couch as Connor fumbled with the remote, heart thrumming. This was getting harder and harder.

“There.”

Connor settled next to him on the couch and Evan beamed, resting his head gently on Connor’s shoulder.

About half an hour in, during which Connor managed to quote at least of a third of the characters lines along with them, Evan turned his head slightly, inching closer as he yawned into Connor’s shoulder. Connor’s hand rested on his own thigh; soon it was joined by Evan’s, placed on top.

Ten minutes after that Evan had laced their fingers together.

“How do you know this movie so well, oh my god,” Evan wheezed, right after Connor perfectly mimicked Regina George.

Connor shrugged.

Because this is Zoe’s favourite movie of all time. Because she begged me to watch it when I was 11. Because I watched it over and over, when I was high, when I was sad, when I missed Zoe.

All. The. Time.

“I just do. It’s a cult classic.”

“Right,” Evan yawned, taking the opportunity to pull his legs up onto the couch. “Oh, uh, I told my mom we’re dating. If that’s okay?”

“Mhm,” Connor hummed, too focused on the steady blush creeping up to his ears as Evan slung his legs over Connor’s lap, before wiggling closer and closer until he was perched sideways in his lap.

“Is this okay?”

“Sure,” Connor replied, snaking his arms round Evan’s waist. Actually, he was growing increasingly flustered, especially at the prospect of more fake-dating, aka frantic make out sessions. “Don’t you want to, like, face forwards though? So you can see the screen.”

“Yeah, true.”

Okay, so apparently that was a terrible idea, because now Evan had to glance back to look at Connor, and the sparkle in his eyes was all the more pronounced for it. Also, every part of their bodies were touching, Evan’s back against Connor’s chest, legs tangled. Connor hooked his chin over Evan’s shoulder the way Evan had done for him, and he found himself almost cheek to cheek with him. He could practically count the uneven freckles smattering his nose, could pick out the green from the hazel in his eyes, could trace the cupid’s bow of his lips-

“You’re staring.”

“Oh, I...”

“Do I have something on my face?” Evan touched his face nervously.

“No, no, you just- I just think-”

Evan raised his eyebrows.

“You uh, you look nice. Today. Well, not just today, always, but-” Connor clamped his mouth shut, willing his mess of a brain to shut up.

“Oh.”

Evan turned to face the screen again, a smile tugging at the edge of his lips.

--

Connor looked good tonight. Like really, really good. His hair was swept back from his face, tucked behind his ears, and he was smiling almost constantly.

It was only when Connor turned round, with a note-perfect imitation of “too gay to even function,” that Evan kinda went, oh.

Oh.

He liked Connor. Really, really liked him.

And he was sitting on his lap.

Evan flushed suddenly. He was sitting on Connor’s lap. Surely that was him being horrible, taking advantage, and then all the other things hit him at once. The kissing. The hugs. His insistence on holding hands.

The ‘I love you’’s.

Evan tried to slide back onto the couch, but Connor’s grip on him tightened and he nuzzled into his neck, and Evan could feel his smile against his skin.

That warm fuzzy feeling. Match in a blanket. That was what he felt when he was near Connor.

But blankets are, as Evan recalls, highly flammable. And this could go one of two ways.

The blanket burns up.

Or the match is smothered.

How was he ever going to get himself out of this mess?

Chapter Text

from: ev🖤
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CONNOR 🎉🎉
You're probably asleep but i wanted to be the first to wish you happy birthday
I’m so so proud of you and I can’t believe you’re 18!!!!!
I hope you have a wonderful day i'm coming round later with your stuff :))

Connor grinned at his phone in the near darkness, checking the time. 00:02.

to: ev🖤
thank you!!
wait i never told you my birthday…?

from: ev🖤
I may have asked Zoe…
it'll be worth it i promise

to: ev🖤
jfc i love uuu

from: ev🖤
Love you too!!! :)

Connor paused for a moment before replying.

to: ev🖤
...what stuff?

from: ev🖤
It’s a surprise! :)
It isn’t really much but I hope u like it

to: ev🖤
you didn’t have to get me anything i’m sure i’ll love it

from: ev🖤
I really hope so!
Anyway I’m gonna go to sleep now so, see you later :)

to: ev🖤
goodnight <3

--

to: Connor🥰
Connor! I’m coming round in 10 minutes so be ready :)
Wait that sounds kinda aggressive sorry

from: Connor🥰
okayy :))

Evan pulled on his parka, zipping it up tight and and grabbing the brown paper bag with Connor’s presents in it. It was November 30th. Connor’s birthday. Around two months since they’d first interacted.

“Bye, mom!” He called as he left the house, receiving a “Have fun, sweetie!” in response. Jared was outside, waiting in his car, and Evan chose to ignore his smirk at the bag Evan was carrying. Wordlessly, he threw the car into reverse, and they began the drive to the Murphy’s.

Evan was decidedly nervous. What if the gift was too much? Even worse, what if it was too little and Connor didn’t like it? He knew that the Murphy’s were a rich family, if the size of their house was anything to go by, which meant he would probably be receiving wads of cash from his parents. Evan felt a little sick at the thought.

“Hansen, quit worrying. He loves you.”

“Wha-”

Jared smirked at him from across the console. “You were talking out loud, my dude, and you don’t have to worry. Judging by the size of that,” - he nodded to the bag - “he’ll probably love it. Whatever it is.”

“O-Okay.” Evan still wasn’t sure- in fact, his mind was swirling with possible ways this could go wrong. And it certainly didn’t help that he was absolutely, definitely sure that he liked Connor Murphy.

Oh, and Connor’s parents were going to be there. Which meant pretending to date. Probably kissing.

Connor would hold him, probably. Hug him. At Evan’s earlier insistence of being touch-starved.

Which he was. But if his belly kept doing that stupid fucking swoopy thing whenever he was near Connor, well.

He was totally fucked.

“Hey, we’re here.”

Evan jumped. “Thanks for driving me.”

“No problemo. See you around; call me if you need a lift home.”

“You’re not staying?”

Jared smirked. “Wouldn’t want to intrude,” he said, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Evan couldn’t think of a clever response to this, so he just nodded, grabbing the bag and walking up to the front door. His palms were sweaty.

Evan rang the doorbell, and waited.

“Evan!”

“Connor!” Evan yelled, dropping the bag and flinging himself into Connor’s arms. He mumbled a “hey,” into his hoodie, taking the opportunity to bury his inevitable grin into Connor’s collarbone.

“Hi,” Connor whispered back, still holding Evan close to his chest. When they broke apart, Connor left his hands on Evan’s hips, before glancing over his shoulder at his approaching mother. “Kiss me?”

Evan nodded imperceptibly and stood on his tiptoes, closing his eyes and leaning in. It was their softest one yet, all love and lazy passion, and as they pulled apart, he smiled down at him, and a pink tinge illuminated his features. Connor leaned in again to plant a soft peck on his nose, making him blush even more, before he swung them around to face Cynthia, Connor’s arm around his waist.

“Hey, Evan! Connor mentioned you were coming over. I’ll leave you to it for a little while, but I made a cake! It’s an avocado cake with lemon and poppyseed buttercream, I’m quite proud of it.”

“That sounds l-lovely.” Evan smiled, and he struggled not to giggle as Connor rolled his eyes.

“Let’s go upstairs, Ev,” Connor said, squeezing at his hip, and Evan shivered slightly as Connor brushed his lips over Evan’s hair, pulling him closer.

“Lemme just-” Evan reached for the paper bag that lay across the step, before tilting his head back up and stealing a quick kiss; if Connor was surprised he didn’t show it, grinning at Evan before bounding up the stairs.

Evan shot a polite smile at Cynthia before running after him, almost tripping in his haste. He walked cautiously into Connor’s room; Connor lay spread-eagled on his bed, looking at Evan upside-down, still smiling. “So.”

“So,” Evan echoed, setting the bag down on the floor. “I, um. Here’s your present.”

Connor rolled over. “C’mere.”

Evan sat down on the bed and was immediately pulled into a bone-crushing hug. “I love it,” Connor whispered, somewhere near the back of his ear. Evan spluttered.

“You- You haven’t even opened it yet!”

Connor wrapped himself around him, firmly stating, “Evan, whatever it is, I love it.” His voice grew quieter. “No-one’s ever been there for me the way you have. No-one’s ever been my best friend. So no-one’s ever got me a birthday present aside from my family. But you. You- you didn’t run away, even when I fucked up, big time, you’re still here. And you brought me a present. Which I love.”

Evan sniffed. “Stop it, idiot, you’re making me cry.”

Connor giggled softly, pressing his face into Evan’s neck. Judging from the wetness there, Connor was having the same problem. Evan’s heart thudded audibly in his throat, and he was overcome with an emotion so large he had to physically swallow it down. He blinked the tears away from his eyes as Connor released him.

“Open it, then!”

“Alright, alright.”

Evan twisted his hands together nervously as Connor retrieved the paper bag, sitting beside Evan on the bed so their thighs were touching.

Connor pulled the first item out of the bag. “...Eyeliner?”

Evan rushed to explain. “Oh, shit, yeah, that’s from Jared. He asked me to deliver a message to go along with it?”

Connor raised his eyebrows. “Go on.”

“He said, um, this is to complete your MCR reject style...bro,” Evan winced, snapping Connor some very Jared-esque finger guns. Connor promptly burst out laughing.

“Bro,” he wheezed, clutching at his sides, helpless with laughter. Evan swatted at him with his hand. “I think I wanna try this on. My last eyeliner was just a smudgy little pencil.”

“Okay?”

“Will you do it for me?”

“I- Connor, I really don’t know how to put eyeliner on-”

“Don’t care. C’mon.”

Evan held the pen with shaking hands, holding it up to Connor’s eyelid, biting his lip in concentration. Just as he was halfway through a minimally shaky line, he caught Connor’s intense stare, eyes that sparkling, piercing blue, and his hand slipped, leaving a huge black smudge on his eyelid.

“Shit.”

Connor grinned at him. “Lemme do the other one.”

He took the pen from Evan, and swept it cleanly over his eyelid, leaving a crisp line. Evan gaped at him, and he shrugged. “Practice.”

He grabbed a make-up wipe from his desk and scrubbed the other eye clean before matching it to the first.

Evan stared.

“What?”

“Does it look bad?”

He shook his head vigorously. No, it didn’t look bad at all. On the contrary - Connor looked stunning.

Connor smiled bashfully at him. “Thanks.”

Evan clamped a hand over his mouth. That was the second time he’d said something out loud without meaning to. He shook his head to himself, before indicating to the rest of the stuff in the bag.

--

Connor was still in shock. Evan had brought him presents. Evan was here. None of this seemed real.

He reached into the brown paper bag - of course Evan would use a biodegradable recycled bag - and pulled out a sketchpad. Black, smooth, unassuming.

“Open it.”

Connor did. And he gasped.

Taking the front page was a pencil-sketch of himself that he recognised as a photograph from a time at A La Mode. His face was crinkled with laughter, hair blown all over the place, teeth bared in a wide grin. He traced his fingers delicately over the drawing, noting the carefully gridded page and subtle shading.

Evan must’ve misinterpreted his silence, as he launched into an explanation; “You didn’t believe me when I said you were pretty, so I drew you to prove it, and I know it’s nowhere near as good as your drawings and I had to grid it to make sure it definitely looked like you and I’m sorry, it’s kinda stupid and not really a real gift but the sketchbook is a present too and-”

“Evan.” His voice came out choked. “Evan, this- this is wonderful. This is-”

Unable to convey his feelings in words, he reached up and wiped the single tear that threatened to spill from his eye. Fuck Evan had drawn him. He had actually taken time out of his life to draw him. He thought Connor worthy of drawing.

For the first time, he started to believe that he could be as beautiful as the boy in the sketch.

“Evan,” he gasped. “Evan thank you. Thank you thank you thank you thank you.”

“You- You like it?”

It was perhaps a perfect coincidence that just then Cynthia walked past the door, presumably to check on them, and Connor threw himself at Evan, kissing him on the mouth. Evan made a little surprised noise at the back of his throat before kissing him back with the same force, tangling his hands in Connor’s hair. Connor bit experimentally at Evan’s lip and Evan gasped into his mouth, using the hands in his hair to tug him desperately closer, and Connor was in heaven.

He pulled away first, taking the opportunity to stare at Evan’s flushed cheeks and red lips. Evan stared right back, before asking “...Cynthia?”

Shit. Connor hadn’t warned Evan; just dived in. “Yeah, she, uh, walked past. Thought you heard.”

“Oh. Um, okay.”

Evan was looking at him weirdly. Connor turned his attention back to the bag.

Evan watched him expectantly as he pulled out the next thing.

Skeins of embroidery thread in a multitude of colours.

Evan scratched at his neck. “You, uh, mentioned that you learnt to embroider, and I didn’t see any embroidery stuff in your room, so...”

“Fuck, Ev.”

“Is- Is it-”

Connor turned and smiled so wide he thought his teeth might crack. “Thank you so much.”

“Uhm, there’s more...”

Out came a black denim jacket. “You could, I don’t know, you could embroider it? I don’t know, it’s kinda stupid...” Evan mumbled. Connor impulsively pulled him into a hug, whispering yet another thank you. His face muscles were starting to ache from smiling yet he couldn’t stop.

“One more thing, I think. Well, two, but-”

A copy of a poem.

“It’s not really a present, but-”

Connor began reading it aloud.

Within the restless, hurried, modern world
We took our hearts’ full pleasure—You and I,
And now the white sails of our ships are furled,
And spent the lading of our argosy.

Wherefore my cheeks before their time are wan,
For very weeping is my gladness fled,
Sorrow hath paled my lip’s vermilion
And Ruin draws the curtains of my bed.

But all this crowded life has been to thee
No more than lyre, or lute, or subtle spell
Of viols, or the music of the sea
That sleeps, a mimic echo, in the shell

“My Voice, by Oscar Wilde.” Connor read. “Fuck, Ev, that’s beautiful.”

Evan chuckled awkwardly. “I have no idea what any of it means, but I saw ‘The Picture Of Dorian Gray’ on your bookshelf and I know you write poetry, so I figured, maybe you like Oscar Wilde, and-”

“I share my birthday with his death-day.” Connor cut in, absent-mindedly. He’s still struck by the beauty of the poem, the thought that had gone into it, and Evan Evan Evan Evan.

“Last thing.” Evan took the liberty of handing the last gift, a sheet of paper, to Connor himself.

Right away Connor can see it’s a letter.

Dear Connor Murphy,

Today’s going to be an amazing day and here’s why.

Because you’re in it.

You are here and ever since you came into my life and took my fairly depressing therapy letter in the lab, and I followed you to your car and watched you have a panic attack, my life has gotten exponentially better.

I seriously cannot begin to describe how much you mean to me. Connor, you came into my life and you made me feel seen. You found me. You’re there for me. You are smart, and kind, and funny, and protective, and everything else I wish I was.

I’m not as good with words as you seem to be, but I am so so so glad you’re here. With me.

I’m not leaving.

--

Evan wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans. Connor’s been staring at the letter for almost a full minute.

“Ev,”

“Mhm?” Evan doesn’t dare say anything more for fear that he’ll fuck everything up.

“Ev. Evan. I love you.”

Okay, so. Wow.

Nothing will ever, ever compare to the sheer wall of happiness and the sheer wash of regret that Evan felt hearing those words.

Connor reminding Evan that he loved him so often was in equal parts exhilarating and sad.

Because Connor will never love Evan in the way Evan wants.

“I love you too, Connor.”

“No, Ev, you don’t understand. I love you so much. So much. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Evan felt all the air rush out of him and he couldn’t help but fall into Connor’s awaiting embrace.

Evan knew he was a liability; to his mother, to his school, to everyone, basically. But Connor didn’t make him feel that way. Connor made him feel like he was someone.

So to hear that he’s the “best thing to ever happen to him”, well. It’s something.

Evan turned his head into the crook of Connor’s neck, tears pricking his eyes as they somehow end up curled together on the bed. “No-one’s ever- No-one-” he sniffles.

Connor tightens his arms around him. “You. You are the sole reason I am alive right now. You are the sole reason I want to be alive right now.”

And Evan can find so many things wrong with that statement, that Connor has countless other reasons to want to be alive for, but they all fly out of his brain when Connor turns and places a gentle kiss on Evan’s forehead.

Chapter Text

Evan and Connor sat in the basement, tangled up in a mess of limbs on the pull-out couch bed thing, Zoe curled up in an armchair with a mug of hot chocolate. Zoe was trying to pick a movie and was apparently going through the very worst ones.

Zoe had chucked a cheap bottle of black nail polish at him for his present; Connor was equal parts confused and grateful.

“No,” Connor snapped for what seemed like the fifth time; Zoe groaned and flicked to the next film. “Nope.”

Evan smiled, nestling closer into Connor’s arms. “Wait, sit up a bit-”

Connor shot him a confused look before propping himself up slightly. Then Evan’s cold hands were on his ankles, pulling them apart, and Evan crawled up between Connor’s legs, propping himself up on his elbows so his nose hovered an inch away from Connor’s. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Connor breathed back, one arm coming up to skate over Evan’s back. “What...?” He risked a glance at Zoe, who was smiling knowingly into her mug.

“How else are we gonna get her to leave us alone?” Evan whispered, low enough that Zoe couldn’t hear. Connor’s breathing hitched as Evan’s breath ghosted across his lips, hooded eyes staring directly into Connor’s own, and he brought his other hand to rest on Evan’s neck.

This boy was going to be the death of him.

“So- So you want us to make out till she leaves?”

“Exactly,” Evan breathed, before dipping down, planting his hot mouth on Connor’s, lips already parted, tongue darting out to probe Connor’s lips. Connor’s mouth parted with a sigh and Evan dove straight in, locking his mouth with Connor’s, letting out the slightest whimper when Connor tightened his arms around him, and fuck that was hot.

Evan shuffled so he was straddling Connor’s hips, and he was absolutely going to die because Evan Hansen was tongue-fucking his mouth like it was nothing.

And. And then Evan’s hands were back in Connor’s hair, raking through, and just when Connor thought it was over he full-out yanked.

“Evan,” Connor gasped against his mouth, pulling him as close as they could get, kissing him almost breathless. And Evan pulled away and smiled at him, lips wet and swollen, cheeks flushed the prettiest pink, and Zoe was still fucking there.

Some sort of sensation swooped through his belly and he realised with a jolt that he had been lying to Evan. He had to tell him before it got any worse. “Evan.”

“Mm?” Evan leaned in to his mouth again, stealing a kiss. “Yeah?”

“I- fuck, I gotta talk to you. Fuck.”

“About?”

Evan tucked himself into Connor’s shoulder, pressing another kiss to Connor’s jaw, looking up through his eyelashes.

“Hey, you okay?”

His eyebrows furrowed with concern and his hand drifted to Connor’s hip. Connor swallowed around the lump in his throat, tears already pricking at his eyes. He could only begin to imagine Evan’s reaction. “Fuck, I- I’m-”

“Zoe, can you leave us alone for a sec?”

Connor saw Zoe slip out of the room out of the corner of his eye.

Evan was sat up properly now, searching Connor’s eyes with his own. He grabbed at both of Connor’s hands.

“Talk to me, Connor.”

Connor blinked up at him, steeling himself for the worst. “I lied.”

“Huh?”

His mouth had gone sour. “Zoe knew we weren’t dating.”

He could pinpoint the exact moment Evan’s face twisted and he had to look away, too ashamed to move, too worried about what Evan was thinking, absolutely terrified for their future. Their friendship.

Because Evan was going to ask why, and he didn’t know if he could give him the correct answer.

He closed his eyes; less chance of seeing the disappointment, horror, disgust, that was surely etched onto Evan’s face, tears leaking out, whole body shaking as he prepared for the inevitable. It always happened so fast; his mood crashing down like a wave, sometimes with no reason, sometimes like now; it seemed implausible that not even two hours ago Evan was greeting him and giving him presents.

He should’ve known better than to let anyone care about him.

Hands meet his face and he recoiled, his whole body shuddering as he turned onto his side.

This is the end.

--

It was only the second time Evan had ever seen Connor have a panic attack; the first happened on their very first encounter.

“Connor,”; he spoke loudly, trying to make sure his voice cut through Connor’s sobs and gasps. “Connor, I need you to breathe with me.”

He then proceeded to count Connor through his breathing, mumbling small assurances, and when he was sure he wouldn’t object, taking his palm in his own.

And as soon as Connor’s shoulders had stopped shaking he pulled him in for a hug, wrapping his limbs around Connor like a koala and snuggling into his neck. “It’s okay, Connor, it’s okay. I’m right here. Right here.”

“Why- Wh-”

“Shh. You don’t have to explain, it’s okay, whatever your stupid brain is telling you right now is not gonna happen. I’m here, ‘kay?”

It broke Evan’s heart to see Connor crying.

It broke Evan’s heart even more when he thought about the reason.

“Ev-”

“Yeah?”

He knew Connor was waiting for him to ask why. He also knew that Connor was scared about giving an answer. Scared enough to set off a panic attack.

He wasn’t going to put Connor through that, despite almost every inch of his brain vying to know why Connor had lied.

Connor was silent aside from the occasional sniffle, eyes wide and scared and vulnerable.

“Connor.”

“Connor, you don’t have to explain. It’s okay. It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

Evan shifted so that he was facing Connor, pressing their foreheads together and letting his hand drape over Connor’s waist. Almost imperceptibly, Connor shuffled his body closer, eyes shut tight now, tear tracks lining his pale cheeks.

“I’ve got you,” Evan repeated, desperate for Connor to understand, to know. “I’ve got you.”

Connor let out a choked sob, face cracking, one hand coming up to clutch at Evan’s side. Evan rolled onto his back, pulling Connor with him so his face was completely hidden in his neck, fingers grasping at Evan’s shirt and legs splaying out across his body. Evan turned his head and pressed his lips to Connor’s forehead, because apparently that was a thing they did now, holding him as tight as he possibly could.

After a while Connor shifted from Evan’s grip, laying his head on his arm and blinking at Evan. “You’re too good for me, Hansen.”

“Bullshit,” Evan replied, not even thinking about it. “Absolute bullshit.”

“S’not bullshit. I’m an idiot.”

Evan was still staring at him, lips parted and eyes wide and he just looked so sad. “Maybe, but. I am not too good for you. No way. If anything it’s the other way around.”

Connor huffed out a pathetic little laugh.

“Connor Murphy. You’re my favourite person. You know that. That’s not going to change.”

Evan brought a hand to his side and Connor blinked at him.

Evan smiled a little. “Idiot.”

Connor laughed properly; softer, more real, throwing himself into Evan’s arms. Evan brought his hands to his hair, an automatic response.

“You’re not going to ask?”

“You don’t want to talk about it.” Evan replied absent-mindedly, twisting a lock of hair around his finger and letting it spring free. “And that’s okay.”

“Really?” Connor’s voice was small. Too small.

“Really.”

Connor burrowed further into his neck, arms tightening around his waist. Evan mumbled a soft “love you,” into Connor’s hair, and Connor breathed it back, right into the crook of his neck, “love you too,” and it was everything Evan could ever hope for and nothing all at once, and he wondered how he’d survive the rest of his life knowing that he had fallen in love with his best friend.

Chapter Text

Something was wrong with Connor.

They were back at the Autumn Smiles Apple Orchard, wrapped up in winter clothes now it was December, Connor’s head was in Evan’s lap, and he wouldn’t stop moving.

“You good?” Evan asked, running his hands through Connor’s hair. Connor shot up.

“I’m fine.” He growled. Evan stayed where he was, palms open, a gesture of peace. Connor was having a sensory overload. Or he was just angry. That explained the oddness in him today, the weird feeling of something just being off. Either way, it was nothing Evan hadn’t dealt with before.

“God, stop looking at me like you’re a fucking puppy or some shit. Fuck you.”

The words still stung just a little, but Evan knew that the anger wasn’t directed at him. “C’mere?”

Connor frowned at him before sinking onto the ground, taking one of Evan’s hands and averting his gaze.

“You wanna talk about it?” Evan asked, gently. He squeezed Connor’s hand just so, before piping up again. “Or not? We can just...” He lay back, gesturing with his free hand. Connor opted for the second option, diving into Evan’s arms, nestling into the crook of his neck.

Evan would never get over the fact that Connor just seemed to fit there. Perfectly. Like a puzzle piece.

Only Connor was shuffling around and sighing frustratedly and well, he wasn’t fitting as well as he usually did. “You sure you don’t want to talk about it?” he asked again, coursing his hand through his hair.

Connor tensed in his arms momentarily. “No.”

Evan wanted to help him. So he persisted. He’d realise later that he shouldn’t have said anything, should’ve just kept his damn mouth shut because when has anything he’s ever said mattered, really? “I just- I just think that maybe it would be good if you talked about it a bit with me because- wait sorry I’m assuming that you trust me enough to do that but it might help and- and iloveyouandiwanttohelpyou- like just maybe talking might help? And it might help me, yknow, understand, so I can help?”

Evan trailed off when he realised Connor hadn’t said anything or interrupted him.

“Finished?”

Connor’s voice shook him to the core, a low, sarcastic drawl.

“I- yeah, sorry, it was stupid I shouldn’t have-” Evan caught himself before he started to spiral. “Sorry.”

Connor wriggled out of his grip, sitting in front of him, and Evan shrank under the intensity of his gaze.

It wasn’t the usual Connor-gaze either, the one that made his stomach flutter and his cheeks burn. It was cold, and sharp, and so unlike Connor that it almost scared him. Those eyes held a different person.

“You can’t fix me, Evan.” Connor spat his name like poison and Evan recoiled. “You can’t.”

“No, I know, I-”

Evan’s voice was smaller now but Connor continued anyway, staring coldly at Evan the whole time.

“You think you’re so wonderful, don’t you, waltzing into my life and making everything better. Well, newsflash, Evan, you don’t! You don’t make anything better! If anything, you make it worse,” Connor laughed, freezing and bitter, the sound of plates shattering against a wall.

Evan twisted his hands in his lap, tears pricking at his eyes, but he held it in, because Connor didn’t mean it, Connor loved him, he mattered, and-

“You make my life so much worse, Evan. You- You fucking mess, you came into my life and completely ruined it, God, you can’t do anything right, can you? No wonder I’m your only friend.”

“C-Connor, please-”

“C-C-Connor, pwease,” Connor mocked. His eyes were distant now, vacant and empty, and it was fucking terrifying. “Don’t you get it? I’m sick of you and your stupid fucking cuddles and your stupid fucking stutter and everything about you is just so fucking awful, god, don’t you understand? You don’t fucking matter. How I put up with you this long is anyone’s guess.”

Evan felt like the wind had been knocked out of him.

Connor didn’t stop.

“You’re an absolute failure, you know that? There’s a reason no-one’s ever wanted to be your friend. It’s because you’re an absolute fuck-up. Even your own mother can’t stand to be around you.”

Evan was crying now, openly sobbing, gasping. “Connor you’re lashing out please stop it-”

“You think this is lashing out? Evan, I’m just telling you the truth. I don’t need you. Nobody needs you.”

Evan’s heart stung in the worst possible way, because Evan knew, he knew everything Connor was saying was true, but hearing it from the person he loves most in the entire fucking world is just- it hurt him in a way that’s too big to describe, and like an idiot, he reached out, tried to grab for Connor’s hand, and this had to be a nightmare because then Connor was standing up, standing up and spitting at his feet and staring at Evan with such utter disgust and then he was leaving and-

He turned around and he spoke for the last time. “Go climb a tree or something. Keep yourself entertained.”

Voice dangerously sweet, eyes piercing.

And then he was gone.

--

He drove home in a blinding fury, vision white-hot, blood roaring in his ears, running straight to Zoe’s room and pounding on the door. “Zoe! Open up, stupid bitch!”

The animal in his chest roared with twisted pleasure when he heard her whimper through the door, and he pounded all the harder, tears rolling down his cheeks as he slid to the floor. He ended up crawling into his own room, fists bruised and scraped, raking his fingernails up and down his arms, up and down, up and down, up and down, rocking back and forth, up and down, up and down, up and down, replaying Evan’s hurt expression in his brain, up and down, up and down, the animal snarling in satisfaction knowing he had caused that, up and down, up and down, up and down....

It was just all too much. Way too fucking much.

He slipped into a dissociative state, scratching and rocking, staring at a patch of his floor, for god knows how long. When he finally dragged himself out, too numb to even think, he checked his phone. 4:29am.

He went to put it back down, the animal quiet now, morphing into something far far worse; that low twist of guilt barely starting to sink in, when his phone rang.

It was like a stab in the gut when he saw “ev🖤” flash across the screen and he answered it instinctively because Evan never called, bringing the phone to his ear. “What.” His voice came out scratchy and rough.

“C-Connor...”

Evan sobbed through the phone and the guilt tampered as the animal in his stomach reared its head again.

“I-I-I need you t-to-”

“Call Jared.”

Connor jammed his finger onto the end call button, blood boiling. So when the phone rang again barely five seconds later, he was pissed.

“I thought I told you to call Jared?”

“Connor he- he’s in Switzerland and I’msoscared please Connor please-”

“What?”

Evan gasped down the line. “Please- Please you just left me here my mom’s in her important legal exam and it’s dark and scary and and and I wanna go home please Connor I wanna go home take me home please take me home-”

Ice-cold fear crept into Connor’s gut and the animal quietened, silenced again by the slow, reaching fingers of guilt. “What do you mean, you want to go home?”

“You left me in the orchard don’t you remember? And- and it’s dark and I’m so fucking scared Connor please help me I’ll leave you alone I promise I won’t talk to you ever again just please take me home please-”

“Evan, why would you go back to the orchard at 4 in the morning? By yourself? And now you want me to pick you up?”

This time when Evan gasped it was more of a shriek. “You left! You left me! Jared’s in fucking Switzerland on his skiing holiday, my mom’s got her exam, Alana’s away with her dads, and I’vebeensittinghereforeighthours and I’m cold and hungry and scared and it’s dark and you left me here and I have no way to get home and my phone is at 10% and- and I didn’t want to call you because you know why and I’m really really really sorry, I’m sorry for ever loving you and for ruining your life and being a such a burden but I-I just wanna go home, please, and then you don’t have to see me ever again-”

“Fuck, what? You’re still in the orchard?”

“Yes I’ve been here since you left and I've been thinking too much and my head hurts everything hurts and I texted you I’m sorry, I’m sorry Connor Iloveyou I’m sorry I’m sorry, I’m-”

“I’m coming, fuck. Fuck. Stay there.”

Evan cried out, louder. “Shit, Connor, I’m sorry for making you do this I couldn’t even find my own way home and no wonder you’re sick of me I- I’m sorry, you’rethebestthingthat’severhappenedtomeandI’veruinedit-”

“Calm the fuck down, please, okay? I’m coming.”

Chapter Text

“Evan! Evan, where are you!”

Connor wandered around in a daze in the dark, throat hoarse from calling Evan’s name. He found a figure slumped against a tree, eyes closed, and he shone his phone flash-light in his face. His gut twisted at the sight of the person in front of him. Definitely Evan.

“Fuck, wake up, Ev, please.” Connor crouched down in front of him, shaking him by the arms and slowly, slowly, his eyes slid open.

“Connor?”

Evan’s voice was soft and tiny, his eyes blank and open. His whole body shuddered violently and he wrapped his arms around himself, eyes darting around the trees, rocking himself slightly. His lips were starting to turn blue and he was sweating copiously.

Connor had broken him.

Biting back a sob, Connor bent down and scooped Evan up in his arms, ignoring his weak protests, carrying him to his car and depositing him in the passenger seat. He then proceeded to gently wrap his hoodie around Evan’s shoulders, before rubbing at Evan’s hands to try and warm them up. Evan said nothing throughout, staring vacantly over Connor’s shoulder, tears flowing freely down his cheeks as he gnawed at his lip.

Connor drove them home.

“C-Connor, this isn’t-”

“You’re staying with me tonight,” he replied shortly, staring at the steering wheel. His gaze softened as he moved his eyes to Evan, who had curled his knees into his chest, forehead pressed to the window. “C’mon.”

Evan followed Connor into the house without protest, and they slipped silently into Connor’s room, where Connor helped Evan into clothes to sleep in and changed himself.

It physically hurt to look at Evan, to see him in this state. The state that he had left him in.

“I left you there for eight hours,” Connor whispered, voice cracking, once he had pulled Evan into the bed beside him, keeping his body warm with his own. “I left you there.”

Evan was already asleep.

The first time he woke up, Evan was facing him in the darkness. There wasn’t even an inch between their faces and Connor’s arm was draped over Evan’s waist.

“Connor?”

He had to restrain himself from bursting right into tears there and then. “Yeah?”

“Connor.” Evan’s entire body was shaking.

“Ev?”

“He hates me.”

“What?”

“Connor h-hates me.”

Connor watched with dread as Evan rolled onto his back, teetering at the edge of the small bed, sweat dripping down his forehead. “I love him.”

“Wh- Evan, I’m right here?”

Evan continued, voice small and cracked. “I love him s-so much. He’s- He’s my favourite person in the whole- the whole universe, goddamnit, I love him so much. He’s everything. To me.”

It was barely a mumble but Connor could hear it.

“Ev-”

Connor’s voice broke as he choked back a sob. “Ev, I’m here. I’m here I’m here please you’re not making any sense-”

“I don’t think he gets it.”

“Wh-What?”

Evan continued on as though Connor wasn’t there. “He doesn’t get it, he’s so amazing and kind and beautiful and perfect and he doesn’t understand. How much he means to me.”

“It’s my job to tell him.”

No, Connor wants to scream. Because he knows what Evan’s going to say next.

“It’s my fault. That he doesn’t understand. Because I’m me, why would it matter if he meant anything to me, and my love doesn’t matter, I don’t- I don’t matter and I love him but like- who wants my love, you know?”

“I do!” Connor choked. “I do, Evan I reall-”

“Like- Connor deserves so much more and I can’t give it to him because I’m-”

Connor couldn’t take it anymore, grabbing at one of Evan’s shoulders and shaking him, fairly roughly, tears streaming down his face as he pleaded with him to wake up. Slowly, slowly, Evan’s eyes slid open, and he blinked at Connor, bleary-eyed. “C-Connor?”

--

Without any sort of pretext Connor pulled Evan to his chest. Evan relaxed into the embrace, burying his face in Connor’s neck for half a second before pulling back as the memories of last night came flooding back in. Last night? Or this morning? It was all a little hazy and his head hurt so fucking bad that when he tried to sit up it started throbbing; sweat covered almost every inch of his skin with a light sheen and goosebumps broke out along his arms and legs.

“M’ sick,” He managed to wheeze as he wriggled out of Connor’s embrace, flopping onto his back. Unfortunately there wasn’t much space on the bed and he drew the covers around him, to mixed protests from his body; how could one be so hot and so cold at the same time? Connor’s concerned looking face - no, that couldn’t be right, who in their right mind would care about him - floated in and out of view.

"Evan, shit, you’re really hot.”

Was Connor crying? His voice sounded all wibbly. No, wobbly. Wavey. Wavey, that was definitely it. He tried to tell Connor so. “Wave.” Was the word that ended up coming out of his mouth.

“Wave?”

“You. Wavey-voice. Are you crying?”

Evan heard Connor audibly sniff. “Maybe, but that’s not important. Stay here while I get a thermometer, okay?”

Evan propped himself up as Connor stumbled blindly in the dark. That had always been one of Evan’s very few talents- his eyes adjusted to the dark insanely fast.

All he was good for, really, night vision and tree facts.

He squinted at Connor’s figure, bent double over his desk, rattling through the contents. A wave of...something, washed over him everytime he let his thoughts drift to Connor. So twice a second, pretty much. It made him want to pass out, the heavy wash of emotion, each and every time his throat closing up and forcing out a gasp.

Focus on something. Evan’s eyes shifted around the room, catching walls, floor, clothes, desk....back to Connor. He squinted a little harder.

Connor’s arms were red?

“Connor?” His voice was a little more coherent now, though still barely audible over the blood roaring in his ears. “Come- Come here, p-please?”

Silently, Connor padded across the room, and Evan reached for his arms, ignoring Connor’s flinch.

Angry red scratches, caked with dried blood. Tons of them.

No no no no no.

Biting back a yell, Evan swung his legs out of bed, sprinting out of the room to the harsh motion-sensor lights of the bathroom, grabbing a wad of toilet paper and flashing them quickly under the tap to dampen them. He stumbled back to Connor’s bedroom.

Connor was slumped over on the bed, head in hands. Evan tentatively lifted the tissues to Connor’s left arm and he jerked away so violently that Evan dropped the wad of tissue. Determined, Evan picked it back up and proceeded to hold Connor’s arms in place as he cleaned them clumsily with the damp toilet paper, ignoring Connor’s gasps.

“There. All better.” He was growing drowsy again, his hands circling Connor’s wrist. What was it Connor had done to reassure him?

A kiss. On the forehead. Evan wasn’t sure he could make it that far, so he lifted a hand to his lips, kissing the back of it before moving onto the other.

Then he fell back onto the bed, eyes closing as sleep took over.

--

Connor stared, wide-eyed. It was honestly a miracle that Evan hadn’t left yet. A bitter voice from within screamed that he should’ve left by now.

But he hadn’t. He’d cleaned Connor’s arms, then kissed his hands. And then promptly fallen back asleep. Without Connor taking his temperature.

It was clear that Evan had a fever, but by the looks of things, it was starting to break.

So Connor crawled back into bed, wrapping his warm body around Evan’s clammy one, hating himself more with every passing second and dreading the morning.

Chapter Text

Evan woke up shivering. The duvet was half on, half off, and Connor was partially draped over him, drooling slightly onto his shoulder.

Memories of the last evening and night came flooding in, bathing his insides with ice. It came in flashes; Connor’s blank stare and harsh words, Connor’s car driving into the distance, stumbling around in the dark, yelling until his voice was hoarse, collapsing against a tree, wanting to die, calling Connor, Connor giving him his hoodie, Connor crying, Connor’s scratches…

“Connor. Connor, wake up. Wake up.” Evan shook Connor fairly roughly by the shoulders until he sat up, blinking.

“Whasgoingon?” He mumbled, rubbing his arm across his face. “Evan?”

Evan bit his lip, fixing his gaze downwards as he tried and failed to keep the tears in his eyes. They hadn’t even started talking about anything yet and he was already crying. Pathetic.

And then he was pulled into a bone crushing embrace as Connor sobbed into his shoulder, gasping “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry,” over and over.

Evan was crying too, now, limp in Connor’s arms. “C-Connor, I don’t- We need to talk about this.”

Hesitantly, Connor pulled away, wiping his nose with his arm. The look in his eyes was so desperate, so pleading, it tore at Evan’s heartstrings. “Fuck, I didn’t mean any of it, Ev, please believe me, please, I didn’t mean it, I didn’t mean to hurt you I would never hurt you, not on purpose, I love you you know that-”

“Do you?”

He hated the way his voice sounded, cracked and weak and small.

Connor looked devastated; mouth hanging open, eyes red and puffy. “Of course I do, Ev,” he whispered.

Several of Connor’s earlier words flew around in his brain, looping in his head on repeat.

You are the sole reason I am alive right now.

I don’t need you. Nobody needs you.

I love you so much. So much. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

You don’t fucking matter. How I put up with you this long is anyone’s guess.

Chapter Text

The door slammed behind him. 

Evan was gone. 

Connor stared, open-mouthed, at the empty space in front of him for a millisecond, before immediately shaking himself out. What had he been expecting? 

This is all on you. 

Shivers racked his body, and he wrapped his arms around himself to simulate human contact, rocking on his heels, head tucked into his own knees. Words from their conversation ran through his head. 

“Do you?”

He had gone far enough that Evan couldn’t believe that Connor loved him. God. God. He had gone that far. 

“I swear. I swear I didn’t mean any of it, I was lashing out, I was angry…”

“Yeah, but- But isn’t what you say in anger what you’re always thinking anyway? That you- that you would never have the nerve to say normally.”

“No, Ev, I don’t think any of that-”

Evan’s subsequent silence had said everything. 

“Evan, I- I was saying things that I knew would hurt you. They weren’t true, I promise, I don’t think that about you, Evan, please, I was… I was…”

At this point Connor had been gasping. 

“I can go.”

He screwed his eyes shut. 

“No, please don’t leave, please, Evan-”

“I should go.”

Fuck. Fuck. 

Connor grabbed his phone, searching up a number before dialling. 

“Hello, this is Rochester Therapy Clinic, how may I help you?”

“I- Hi, I’m Connor Murphy, and I’d- I’d like to make an appointment?”

--

Evan flopped onto his bed. Heidi wasn’t home, of course. 

to: jared

Hey can you come over pls

Just that single text alone drained the little energy he had left out of them, the pang in his chest growing more insistent at that he would never be able to call Connor for help, now. 

from: jared

literally JUST got back from the airport what do u want

lol what connor dump you?

Just seeing Connor’s name made him want to throw his phone across the room, bury his head in his pillow, and never speak to anyone ever again. 

to: jared

Please

from: jared

k sorry im coming

Ten minutes later and he could hear Jared bounding up the stairs, pushing the door to his bedroom open. “What’s up, dude?”

Evan didn’t move from his spot face-down on the bed. “Do you think Connor likes me?”

Jared chuckled; the sound was harsh and abrasive to Evan’s ears. “Dude, he’s practically in love with you- Haven’t you seen the way he looks at you like you’re his everything or some Shakespearian shit like that? He’s been begging to put his di-”

“Does he even care?” 

Evan’s voice was muffled by the pillow, but some trace of his desperation must’ve reached Jared’s ears because he strided over. 

“What the fuck is up with you? Of course he cares,” Jared said, a softness behind his tone. 

Evan shook his head. “Um- Sorry, this was a bad idea you can leave if you want.”

Jared stayed. And Evan spoke. 

--

Connor stormed downstairs at the sound of the doorbell. No-one was home except him. 

Maybe, just maybe, he was holding onto the hope of Evan coming back. 

Instead, he was greeted briefly with the snarling face of one very angry Jared Kleinman before he was punched right in the nose, hard. He staggered back, clutching at his nose, which seemed to be fine; his eyes watered. 

“What the fuck, Murphy?”

“I’m sorry-”

Jared slapped him across the face; this time, the sting was expected.  “How could you?” He whispered, eyes piercing. “How could you!”

The sob was ripped out of his chest, primal and violent. “I don’t know! I don’t understand why I’m like this, I hate being like this-”

“Fuck you, Connor! I thought I could trust you. Evan trusted you. He doesn’t trust anyone, you know that? You know he’s been crying on and off for the whole day?”

Connor could feel his lungs closing up and he stumbled backwards, so that he sank onto the bottom step of the stairs. “I’m- I didn’t mean it, Jared, you have to believe me, I can’t even remember half the things I said and I hate it-”

“You don’t remember what you said? Let me jog your fucking memory.”

Connor curled his knees into his chest, dimly aware that Jared had followed him in and shut the door. 

“You told him that he was worthless. That he didn’t mean anything to you, he didn’t matter to anyone.”

“Fuck,” Connor gasped, sobs racking his body. “Fuck, that’s not true fuck fuck fuck-”

“And you know what he did? After you left him alone in a dark forest in the middle of the night? He sent me here to see if you were okay. If you were okay .” 

He shuddered; a full body shiver that ran through his body. 

“So are you okay , Connor?” Jared asked, voice dripping with disdain. 

“ No!” He screamed, scaring them both. “I’m not okay, I’m fucked up, why would I say that I would never say that, never ever ever-”

“I don’t get it.”

“Neither do I, Jared! I don’t understand and I hate this, I hate myself and I’ve hurt Evan and he’s not gonna come back, fuck, fuck, Jared-”

He barely registered Jared as he succumbed to heavy breaths, unable to focus on anything except the fear gripping his entire body, chest tight. 

Tears ran freely down his face as he wrapped his arms around himself, rocking slightly. A hand covered his own momentarily and he gripped it, tight tight tight until he could focus onto the steady sound of Jared counting...counting breaths. Shakily, Connor drew one breath in, and then out again. 

“Good. You’re doing good. 1, 2, 3, 4,-”

Connor continued like this until he could fully breathe again, Jared immediately dropping his hand, staring at him wide-eyed. “You...I didn’t know you had panic attacks. Or anxiety? Or whatever the fuck mental illness you have, because you’re clearly not okay.”

He remained silent, turning his head away. 

“What happened to your arms? It’s like a wild animal was set loose on them.”

Connor wondered if Jared knew the accuracy of that statement. 

“Where are your meds?”

“Don’t have any.”

Jared didn’t speak, indicating for Connor to elaborate. “Larry refused to get me diagnosed and somehow convinced my sweet mother that mental illness is a hoax. Even though they can see how fucked up I am.”

They sat in silence for a few more minutes, neither daring to say a word, until Jared spoke up. 

“So what are you gonna do now?”

“I have a therapy appointment on Monday.” 

This prompted a “hm” from Jared. “They don’t diagnose at therapy, you know.”

“Then I’ll go to the doctor. I want to be better. I have to be better.”

“What are you gonna do about Evan.”

Connor didn’t know.

“I don’t know.”

Chapter Text

“Based on what I’ve been hearing so far, it seems as though you might be suffering from BPD.”

“BPD?”

The doctor in front of him shuffled their notes. “Borderline Personality Disorder. You said you actively tried to push- “ they peered at their notebook “-Evan away, despite knowing that you love him?”

Connor nodded, staring at his hands. “Uh, same with Zoe. And my pare- my mom, I guess.”

“You also described erratic behaviour associated with mood swings, impulsive behaviour, irrational anger at times, and suicidal tendencies.”

“Mhm.”

“These are all symptoms of BPD.”

Connor cleared his throat. “Is there- um, is there treatment?”

“Well, psychotherapy is the main form of treatment, but I will be prescribing you an SSRI to help with the symptoms of depression.”

“Right. Right, okay. Um. Thank you.” 

He left the doctor’s office with a nod and a shaky smile, clutching as a prescription sheet. He was still covered by his family private healthcare (thanks to Cynthia). 

And he was finally diagnosed. He was diagnosed. 

Sure, it didn’t make everything automatically better. He knew that just because he had a name to the illness didn’t mean it could be cured. 

But for the first time in a long time, he actually felt okay.

to: asshole (jared)

went to doctor

got meds and diagnosed

with bpd

from: asshole (jared)

good for you bud

you gonna get ur head outta ur ass and apologise to evan now ??

to: asshole (jared)

fuck 

yea ofc

Well. Here goes.

Chapter Text

It had been a full two days since Evan had last seen Connor. In a spiral of self-hate he’d blocked Connor’s number and he couldn’t bring himself to unblock it again, too shameful and embarrassed. 

Jared had been by his side, very obviously overprotective. Evan was grateful for that. 

He was home alone again; when wasn’t he? It was a bitter thought to have and Evan cursed himself for it. He had been working on that. 

The doorbell rang once. Twice. 

Evan’s eyebrows perked upwards. He’d told Jared he wanted to be left alone today. He supposed he hadn’t listened. 

But when he opened the door to someone who was definitely not Jared Kleinman, he was less than pleased. 

He was devastated. 

Standing on his porch, shivering in the cold, clutching at an envelope, was Connor. 

He stared numbly for a moment, eyes flashing closed momentarily as hurt coursed through his veins. Evan gripped the doorframe, not trusting himself enough to open his eyes. 

“Fuck, Ev.”

That made him take notice. Connor’s voice was so quiet. He sounded almost like Zoe - high pitched and breathy. Laced with the threat of a sob. 

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, before launching himself at him, dipping low to wind arms tightly around his waist. Evan brought his arms up instinctively, snaking them around his neck, because damn if it didn’t feel good, even while an icy shiver racked his body; definitely not from the cold. 

His cheek brushed against Connor’s hair, fingers splayed against his back. It was all so heart-achingly familiar. 

“I- I wrote you a letter. Figured maybe you wouldn’t wanna see me.” Connor sniffled, pulling back from the embrace and thrusting the envelope into Evan’s hands. 

Despite almost all of Evan’s instincts, for some reason yelling at him in the voice of Jared Kleinman, he responded; “I do want to see you.” He was amazed that his voice wasn’t shaking. “I miss you.”

The voice in his head that sounded rather like Jared screamed in protest. What the fuck are you doing?

Connor’s voice rang out in the silence, interrupting his thoughts. “I miss you too, Ev. I miss you so much, fuck I’m so sorry I’m- so stupid, so so stupid-”

“Stop.”

Evan’s voice was louder than either one had expected. 

“Sorry, just- Just come inside and read the letter to me, please?”

Evan held his breath as Connor nodded before turning swiftly on his heel and running up to his bedroom, listening for Connor’s footsteps behind him. 

--

When he walked in, Evan was sprawled out on the bed. Moving on autopilot, Connor climbed onto the bed, settling in between his legs, his head resting on his chest, before freezing. 

“S’okay.”

One of Evan’s hands moved to his hair, tentative and slow. 

“Go on.”

Connor pulled out his letter, gulping at the words he’d written and rewritten, Evan running his hand through his hair all the while. 

And he read. He shakily read out his apology, Evan’s hands stilling in his head before drawing him closer until Connor was barely mumbling into his neck.

He found he didn’t need the sheet of paper, really; the words had been ingrained into his head since that day. 

He whispered the final words. “I love you more than anything- um, anyone. I have to say again that I didn’t mean any of it , Evan, nothing, none of it- even if you don’t talk to me ever again I need you to know that.And- And you have every right not to talk to me again.” 

He sucked in a sharp, shuddering breath. 

Evan was silent for a moment. “BPD?”

“Uh, yeah.” Connor’s voice was shaky and quiet, hardly daring to let himself breathe properly. 

 “Okay. That’s- okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.” Evan repeated. Then, slightly quieter, “John Green.”

“Oh my god.” Connor huffed out, letting himself smile, just a little. His heart rate still thumped overtime and the next words slipped out without warning. “That’s a love story.”

Evan paused before he answered, and when he did, it was barely a whisper. “I know.”

--

Things weren’t okay, because how could they be? 

But things were as close to okay as they could get, because Connor Murphy was in his room, on his bed, on him, quiet and sad and so so lonely. 

And when Evan tugged him up by the hand, ever so gentle, and suggested they go to the orchard, he nodded, eyes wide with wonder as though he couldn’t believe that Evan was actually talking to him. 

That Evan might forgive him. 

He hadn’t, yet. He was still scared. And just as Connor had said, he has every right to be. 

But they were going to get better; they had to, because Evan had missed this; missed driving to the orchard along the winding country roads; missed looking for lone apples in the trees, missed lying on the field on his back with Connor beside him, Connor, Connor, Connor. 

“I missed you,” said Connor for the hundredth time; never failing to make Evan smile. 

“I know you did,” Evan tells him, again, because he can never say it enough, not when it makes an identical smile appear on Connor’s face, masked behind awe. 

They were still quieter than usual; awkwardly side-stepping each other in their speech, hesitant and careful, like the other was made of glass. 

“Things are gonna get better, aren’t they?” Evan asked the boy who lay beside him, making a daisy chain. 

His eyes flicked up, hesitant. “I want them to.”

Because things weren’t better right now, not completely. There was a piece of them missing and Evan could feel it. A piece that might never come back. 

But they couldn’t spend the rest of their friendship chasing it. 

“Things are gonna be different.”

“They are.” Connor replied. “Different is okay, though.”

“We have to make it okay.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Connor cleared his throat and hooked his pinkie with Evan’s. “We can make it better than okay. Right?”

“Yeah.” Evan replied, throat suddenly closing up. “Yeah, we can.”

Chapter Text

“Hey, um. Can- Can I come over?”

Evan sucked in a breath. “Now?”

“Uh- yes please?”

“‘F course.”

--

“I brought you flowers,” Connor breathed, leaning against Evan’s door frame, and Evan swore he felt his heart tear in two. 

“You didn’t need to do that.”

“Um, I- I wanted to? Just- let me put these down, then,” Connor stooped to place the flowers gently on the floor before straightening up, sweeping his hair out of his face in one smooth motion and smiling slightly at Evan. “Hey.”

“Oh-” Evan said, as he was pulled into a close hug, Connor’s arms dipping down to snake around his waist, burying his face into Evan’s neck, “-hi.”

Connor gripped him a little tighter, and they swayed a little where they stood. Although they’d done it a million times before, this felt far more intimate; electric. Maybe it was the way Connor’s fingers lingered at his waist when they pulled away; maybe it was the scent of the flowers on the floor, maybe it was the soft, earnest sparkle of Connor’s eyes, somehow more caring than ever. 

“Come inside?” 

--

Something was different. 

The silence between them was awkward as they made their way into Evan’s lounge. Connor stood in the middle of the room with the flowers, unsure of where to place them, and Evan took them off him, eyes darting around desperately before settling before a mug on the coffee table.

It was almost painful. They weren’t better yet, nowhere near, and yet still, Evan wanted more. 

Connor sat down on the couch and Evan was next to him immediately, pressed against his side. Urgent, and scared, and head over fucking heels. 

Connor found himself crouching in front of Evan, talking. "It's alright, Evan, I'm here, I'm right here." Over and over. 

He was already holding Evan's hand, but he gently whispered, "Can I touch you?", just as Evan had done for him. He thought he could make out a small nod through Evan's incessant rocking, and immediately pulled the boy close to his chest, falling backwards so they were laying back on the grass, Evan's weight on Connor's. 

He swallowed, and turned to look at his best friend.

“You don’t have to just sit there, y’know.” 

Connor was sprawled out across the floor, addressing Evan, who was perched on his single bed. Cynthia had managed to trap them into a family dinner, and they were currently hiding out in Connor’s bedroom. Zoe and Larry were nowhere to be seen. 

“I-D’you-”

“Wanna watch something? Sure.” Connor finished. 

“Connor, I-”

Evan beamed, wrapping both arms around Connor’s torso and pulling him just that bit closer. “M’joking, you know that. Right?”

Connor relaxed into his arms. “I know. Don’t worry.” He then proceeded to catch hold of one of Evan’s hands, lacing their fingers together and leaning back into Evan slightly further. 

“Uh, Connor?”

“Mm?”

“You’re really okay with this?” Evan’s voice was small. 

Connor used his other hand to grab Evan’s other hand. “Okay with what?” he asked nonchalantly. 

Evan took Connor’s hand, cleared his throat, and tried again. “Connor.”

“Oh,” Connor muttered, pulling away. Evan was still underneath him, pupils blown, hair ruffled and cheeks flushed and oh god his lips. His lips were red and wet and ever so slightly swollen from the impromptu make-out session.  Evan trailed his hands lightly down Connor’s back. 

“He won’t be mad?”

“Oh, he’ll be mad,” Connor said, settling himself down against Evan’s side, ignoring his racing heartbeat. “But he won’t do anything. He’s homophobic, but like, emphasis on phobia.”

Connor gulped, before adding, “This doesn’t mean anything, does it?”

A beat.

“No? No, why would it mean anything?”

“Connor, I think I’m in love with you.”

Evan wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans. Connor’s been staring at the letter for almost a full minute. 

“Ev,” 

“Mhm?” Evan doesn’t dare say anything more for fear that he’ll fuck everything up.

“Ev. Evan. I love you.”

Okay, so. Wow. 

“You- what? ” Connor breathed, eyes shining. 

“Ev. Evan. I love you.”

“I said- I’m in love with you, Connor.”

“Ev.”

“You’re. In love. With- me.”

“Evan.”

Evan’s heartbeat was continuously skyrocketing as he shuffled just the tiniest millimetre closer, knocking their knees together. “Yep.”

“I love you.”

“I-, fuck, Evan.”

“I love you.” 

“Me- me too? Holy shit.”

“I love you.”

“Holy shit,” Evan echoed. 

“I love you.”

Connor leaned forward. 

Okay, so. Wow.