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Chapter Text

Jiang Wanyin stepped down from his sword at the entrance gate of Lotus Pier later that night. His face was devoid of any of his usual scowl and temper. Instead, what was left on his eyes were dark, hollow and detached. A year after the incident of the Guanyin Temple, he had been trying so hard to bury down all the bitterness and anger and especially, the hurt that he had carried with him for the past 16 years. It was utterly hard to let go, not after holding it on for as long as he did. But he had tried.

For the sake of the miracle that his brother had come back, whole and unchanged.

For one year, he had tried to mend the bridge. The wound of the past was still bleeding and riddled with infection. Everything that he had lost due to Wei Wuxian – his father’s affection, his mother’s love, his sister’s attention, his whole family’s life and the Lotus Pier, nothing hurt more than the fact despite all that, despite him breaking his promise to stay with him and choosing to leave him for Wens, for the Lans, especially knowing how hard it was for Jiang Wanyin to trust in the first place, all Wei Wuxian said before leaving with Hanguang-Jun was a miserable ‘sorry’.

As if the revelation about his core was not an earth-shattering. As if Jiang Wanyin wasn’t even worth being talked with and being shared with anything. As if the fact that Wei Wuxian had given away his core meant that he should be grateful and be silent about it.

Didn’t Wei Wuxian know how much he didn’t want his core? That if he had known back then Wei Wuxian would give away his core, he would rather walk away from the cultivation world than drag his own brother into the road to perdition. He would rather spend the rest of his miserable life farming, fishing or wood-cutting like ordinary people, than being lied to by the person whom he had loved the most.

And back then, hearing the word sorry, something within Jiang Wanyin was being sliced, shred and bled anew. The golden core within him burned like a parasite, viciously reminding him that nothing he accomplished was his own achievement. It was an unwanted mercy from his brother. And then for one whole year after that incident, the bleeding remained along with the parasite within him, infecting his peace of mind. Even through all that, Jiang Wanyin still tried to mend the broken bridge. Each time he saw Wei Wuxian lived amongst the Lans – with Lan Wangji – reminding him how Wei Wuxian chose everyone except his own brother, the wound within him flared and the golden parasite within him writhed.

But he still persisted. Still fucking tried.

Because Wei Wuxian was the only family he has left of the past. And he didn’t hold on to Chenqing for the past 16 years only because he was bitter. He was fucking capable of love, too, despite what everyone had said about him.

However, today was the last straw that broke the camel’s back. He had visited Wei Wuxian in the Cloud Recesses as he had been every other week for the past nine months. Their conversation had started with awkwardness between strangers but had gradually improved over the course of nine months. Jiang Wanyin put on his gruff persona to bury deep the bleeding, infected wound within just so he could mend the relationship and Wei Wuxian had been more than happy to receive him. Everything had gone well until Wei Wuxian regaled the tales of the prank that he had pulled on the Lan disciples. How he spiked the tea with alcohol and for the rest of the day, the Lan juniors ran amok, making Lan Qiren’s blood pressure rise and Hanguang-Jun to curb the situation.

It was the typical Wei Wuxian.

But then, he had to open his big mouth and tell Wei Wuxian, that that action was childish and he needed to mature up because not everybody would be as understanding with his antics as he was when they were children.

Wei Wuxian’s face had changed, darkened and before he knew it, they were shouting at each other, saying words to see who could inflict the worse pain on each other.

And as usual, Hanguang-Jun swooped down from nowhere, as he always did whenever Wei Wuxian was even remotely distressed, and that man stood between him and Wei Wuxian with Bichen stretched out, touching his chest. He was getting even madder because couldn’t he just have a moment with Wei Wuxian - whatever the moment was because now, this was real, they were both real with their feelings (disdain, hurt, anger, betrayed, misery, and hurt, hurt, hurt…) –without his fucking bodyguard shielding his own brother from him.

What did Hanguang-Jun think he would do to his brother? What could he do worse to Wei Wuxian than what Wei Wuxian had done to him? So, he redirected his anger towards Hanguang-Jun and the sight of Hanguang-Jun standing beside Wei Wuxian against him made the infected wound within him bleed like nothing before.

He was livid, Zidian crackling at his fingers, heart beat fast, skin clammy and his parasitic golden core was writhing within him, demanding to be let out, so that it could go back to its original owner.

“You are ungrateful to what Wei Wuxian had done for you,” Lan Wangji growled softly. “If it wasn’t for Wei Wuxian’s selflessness to give away his golden core, you would have been rotting away on the street of Yiling like the miserable man that you are. Go away, Sect Leader Jiang, you’re not welcome here anymore. Your time of begging forgiveness from him is over.”

Jiang Wanyin had staggered back a step; blood drained completely from his face. Selflessness? Jiang Wanyin wanted to laugh hysterically at that. Giving me the core that hasn’t once made my mind calm ever since I knew it is not mine? That kind of selflessness?  If only they knew the size of the black, oozing puss that came frothing out from the wound within him. And was that what Wei Wuxian and Hanguang-Jun thought about him? That he was not only an ungrateful, miserable man, but he was also begging for forgiveness for hating this unwanted - unneeded gift from Wei Wuxian? That he was lower than dirt in eyes of his brother and should be left rotting in the street of Yiling?

Didn’t it occur to Hanguang-Jun that maybe he was here because he missed his brother and he simply wanted to mend this relationship?

If that was so, then what the hell was he even doing this for the last nine months, trying to repair this? What the hell was he even doing here, trying to make amend with the only family member that he had left? What was the fucking point?!

The vicious words snuffed the blazing fire of rage within him in a second, leaving him with an aching, gaping hollow that had left him indescribably exhausted. His whole fucking life was just a series of exhaustive events and he was done.

He was fucking done with everything.

With eyes blank and dead, he looked at Wei Wuxian, seeing him went pale with fear? -shock? And he looked at Hanguang-Jun. He withdrew Sandu and lethargically mounted it. “For once, Hanguang-Jun, I concur.” He said in his quiet voice and flew away.

As he walked into his room in Lotus Pier, he looked around at his surroundings. For the first time in his life, he wondered why was he still here? Why was he still living amongst the ghosts of his family, when all that he could recall from his father was how unattainable his love, affection and pride were for his only son. They had always, after all, been reserved to Wei Wuxian. And nothing he did, measured up to the expectation of his father and even his mother because he was living in the shadows of Wei Wuxian.

Why was he still clinging to a family that had never really loved him?

Did he really love Lotus Pier because it was his or because it was ingrained by his mother’s expectation and his need to please his father? 34 years of living and he still yearned for his parents’ approval. Maybe it was time for him to realise that it was the only impossible that he attempted all his life and couldn’t attain. 

He was pathetic. Trying to please the ghosts that didn’t even care .

The spiral of his thoughts drained him further. He changed his clothes slowly. The fire of determination was snuffed out within him today and Jiang Wanyin was out of reasons to keep on fighting. As he lay down on his bed, he dreamt of a life without all of these feelings he was struggling. He wanted to get away from himself and from how draining his life was. But he knew he couldn’t do that if he kept surrounding himself with the people and places that reminded him of those feelings.

Here, in Lotus Pier, the memories of his inadequacy in so many ways suffocated him slowly and constantly throughout his life. All his life, he had been drowning. Eventually, he knew he would stop struggling to stay afloat and just let the water swallow him. This place would eventually kill him.

If he wanted to have even a smallest sense of peace, Jiang Wanyin needed to find the courage to walk away.

* * * * * *

Within two months, Jiang Wanyin announced his successor. It was his right-hand man, Jiang Zhou, who had been with him since he first raised Jin Ling as a baby. In fact, no one in Lotus Pier was surprised by the announcement because they had always known their leader would appoint Jiang Zhou as his surrogate until Jiang Wanyin obtained himself a spouse and subsequently an heir. But a celebration was being held nevertheless and it lasted until midnight.

A few days later, Jiang Wanyin had also approached one of the obscured healers at the corner of Yunmeng as well as chosen a loyal companion of his to be included in his plan – Jiang Xian, a teenager that he had saved when the Wens were attacking the boy’s home. Jiang Xian had been six at that time and now, at 19 he was tall, taller than Jiang Wanyin, broad shouldered and had the gentlest feature for a Jiang. Jiang Xian had caught him signing a deed to purchase a small house a way away from cultivators’ areas and had been demanding to follow Jiang Wanyin everywhere. Even his harsh words and the threat from Zidian didn’t manage to deter him. Jiang Xian was gentle, but he was also fiercely loyal – a common trait amongst Jiangs.

Eventually, he had reluctantly agreed because Jiang Xian had known the location of the house and, plus, he hadn’t had the heart to refuse the boy that he had almost practically raised himself.

Everything had been arranged and prepared. He had all he needed to move away from here discretely and trust Jiang Zhou to take over from here. He had left letters acknowledging his approval to Jiang Zhou, letters to the sect elders and letters to his disciples to acknowledge Jiang Zhou’s succession.

It might seem like a rush, but it had been years in the making. He had to get away from the memories and from the hurt before it killed him inside.

And now, after all had been said and done, there was only one thing left for him to return.

He had Jiang Xian followed discretely the Lan juniors during night-hunting because he knew that was the only time Wei Wuxian would not be accompanied by Hanguang-Jun. When Jiang Xian sent a messenger butterfly, relaying the location, he flew towards the direction, catching Wei Wuxian off-guard from behind and knocking him off with a mixture of anaesthetic and tranquilizer without Wei Wuxian seeing him. He grabbed his brother across his shoulders and flew to the small hut that he and two of the local healers had prepared for this. The hut was very well hidden that not even the great Hanguang-Jun could find it.

Jiang Xian stood nervously outside the hut, waiting and praying anxiously for the safety of his leader. Behind the hut was a carriage that was filled with supplies, for him to take Jiang Wanyin far and away from here.

For three days and nights, Jiang Xian flitted in and out of the hut, bringing fresh water and clean linens and taking out soiled ones. And each time he entered, he was shaken and teary at the sight of conscious Jiang Wanyin’s pale face, swallowing back whimpers of pain as the golden core was taken out from him slowly to be returned to the unconscious Wei Wuxian. He knelt beside Jiang Wanyin, wiping away the sweat on his face and coaxed him to take more than a mouthful of water. The weaker, smaller core of Mo Xuanyu had been taken out previously and being held in a stasis in a bowl surrounded by powerful, healing talismans. Jiang Wanyin had insisted that Wei Wuxian’s core to be restored first and that Mo Xuanyu’s core to be inserted into him later. The healers had stated that this method was highly experimental, and the probability of the Mo Xuanyu core being expired was high if it was being cut off from the original host. It could leave Jiang Wanyin coreless, but his leader didn’t care, saying he had left Lotus Pier in the most capable hand that he knew and he didn’t care about the loss of his life longevity that the core provided, and even if he didn’t any core, he would be okay with that.

It was then Jiang Xian realised that Jiang Wanyin was done being a cultivator. That there was no turning back from this resolution to give back the core to its true owner.

He, then, resolved that if Jiang Wanyin was left coreless or even if he was transplanted with the much weaker core of Mo Xuanyu, he would be there to protect the man that he had regarded as his benefactor. There was nothing that Jiang Xian wouldn’t do for Jiang Wanyin.

Once Wei Wuxian’s core had been restored to its original owner, the healers had then carefully placed Mo Xuanyu’s core within Jiang Wanyin. By this time, Jiang Wanyin was beyond exhausted, beyond pale and too immersed in pain that he was senseless of his surroundings. Jiang Xian had taken the position above Jiang Wanyin’s head, wiping cool, wet clothes and his heart broke for the countless times at the way the violet eyes were clouded in daze. “It won’t be long now, Sect Leader. The healers are closing up the incision and before you know it, we will be on our way,” he whispered softly, offering comfort to the only father figure he had known after the burning of his own home.

“We will go away, and you can finally have the peace that you yearn for. Nothing will hurt you there. Not anymore because I will be there to make sure of it.” Jiang Xian kept his litany of comforting words. Jiang Wanyin slowly looked up at the grey eyes of Jiang Xian and he slowly nodded his head. His dried, cracked lips curved slightly into a smile as if the thought of him staying in that small house without any golden core, without cultivators and without Lotus Pier brought happiness to him. The smile that Jiang Xian returned was a hundred times brighter.

Unbeknownst to both men, the healers were crying as they sew their sect leader up.

Even though Sect Leader Jiang was famous for his temper and vicious words, no one in Yunmeng would say that he was an unjust and cruel leader. Yunmeng wouldn’t be as flourished as it was if he were. The healers knew Yunmeng people was about to lose the one who had provided them with safety and prosperity. But, as much as they loved their leader, Jiang Wanyin had sacrificed everything that he was just to rebuild Lotus Pier and the burden was becoming too much for him to bear anymore.

The healers knew that at the very least, they owe Jiang Wanyin an opportunity to have the peace that he needed, even this.

With a final touch of the pristine bandage on Jiang Wanyin torso, one of the healers transferred his healing energy to Jiang Wanyin’s meridians, giving him the boost to restart his core. Ten suspenseful seconds passed when finally, Jiang Wanyin let out a weak gasp as he felt the core within him flutter into life. Silently he wondered at how weak the core felt compared to his and Wei Wuxian’s. But still, he was grateful that he still had the opportunity to train this weak core in his self-exiled. It might never be as strong as Wei Wuxian’s but at least he could still do basic cultivator’s tricks and he could still protect himself.

And he could still use Zidian and Sandu. They were the only two things he couldn’t bear to leave behind.

He let out a small, breathy laugh, “It works…” He whispered almost inaudibly. “It’s weak, but I can still feel the core alive within me.”

The healers laughed in relief, breaking up the tense atmosphere that permeated the hut for the last three days. Their technique worked. If only the cultivation world knew how ground-breaking it was.

Within an hour, Jiang Xian had bundled up Jiang Wanyin in his arms and carefully carried him onto the carriage. He rearranged Jiang Wanyin on the makeshift bed so that the man was as comfortable as possible. “Jiang Xian,” one of the healers said. He handed over a sizable pouch of herbs and concoctions with written instruction. “For one week, you need to transfer energy to Sect Leader Jiang because the core had been transferred from a stasis mode. We need to make sure it is fed with energy until it can create its own.”

Jiang Xian nodded his head as he mounted on the carriage. The horses neighed in impatient.

“How far will you go?” The healer asked.

“As far as possible,” Jiang Xian answered vaguely. “Jiang Wanyin will not return. Discourage anyone who wants to come for him. Sect Leader Jiang just wants his peace.”

The healers nodded their heads. Before they knew it, the carriage was lost from their sight, taking away the leader that they loved.

In the hut, the healers cleaned any traces of operations, cleaned Wei Wuxian and left the man on the bed. They put food and water on the table and lay a thick blanket over him. The tranquilizer would wear off in four hours and by then, Wei Wuxian should be awake and by tomorrow, he should be well enough to travel home.

Right beside the water container was Suibian and a note left in Jiang Wanyin’s writings.

I’ve returned what have been needlessly given to me.

From now on, we owe each other nothing. I pray for your everlasting happiness. Live well, gege.

Your didi,

Jiang Cheng

* * * * * *

The wailing that echoed from that hut the next morning was full of anguish.

That morning, Wei Wuxian was all alone.

* * * * * *

Chapter Text

When Wei Wuxian stumbled into the gate of Cloud Recesses four days after he had been missing, Hanguang-Jun had practically run down to meet him. Lan Wangji face was dishevelled and distraught and the dark circle under his eyes showed the sleepless nights that he had spent looking for his husband.

“Wei Ying!” His hand ran all over Wei Wuxian’s face, looking for any injuries. Except for the faint smell of herbs and incenses, Wei Wuxian looked quite well for a man who had been missing for four days. “Wei Ying, what happened?”

“Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian grabbed Lan Wangji’s hands and pulled him to their room. He needed to clean up as quickly as he could. The core that flared within him was the familiar feeling that he had lost sixteen years ago. He hated Jiang Cheng for this. He also hated how it made him understand his brother’s bitterness better. Self-sacrificial tendency, especially through lying to the people they loved, was the worst kind of charity. Wei Wuxian finally realised what he did to Jiang Cheng was actually an asshole move. “I need to go to Lotus Pier!”

The worry in his husband’s face dissolved at the mention of that accursed place. Lan Wangji hated Lotus Pier and even more so, the leader within it. Jiang Wanyin was a bitter, selfish man who didn’t deserve to have the pure core of his husband. Hadn’t Wei Ying suffered enough? Why did he still want to go to Lotus Pier?

 “Why?” The curt, harsh tone was enough to tell Wei Wuxian how deep Lan Wangji’s hatred for Jiang Cheng. It hurt him because only now did he realise that after all these times after he had been brought back, not once had he even tried to dissuade Lan Zhan’s anger and hatred towards his younger brother. How could he blame Lan Zhan when he was the guilty one?

“Because-“ Wei Wuxian shoved Jiang Cheng’s letter toward Lan Wangji before running to freshen himself up. Lan Wangji’s brows furrowed in curiosity when he realised Wei Ying was holding Suibian in his hand. Wasn’t Suibian in Jiang Wanyin’s possession?

Lan Wangji looked down at the note and his eyes widened and his mouth dropped open in utter, utter surprise. His quick mind connected the dots – 4 days missing, Suibian being returned and Wei Ying more energetic movement – no way… Lan Wangji’s heart lurched and his face went pale. No way!!! Jiang Wanyin transferred back the core to Wei Ying?!!

But why? Why would Jiang Wanyin go this far? Was he this vindictive? The old hatred lashed immediately at Jiang Wanyin. It was his habit of always blaming Jiang Wanyin whenever something bad happened to Wei Ying.

Suddenly, his mind viciously reminded Lan Wangji of the words that he had uttered to Jiang Wanyin’s face two months ago. If it wasn’t for Wei Wuxian’s selflessness to give away his golden core, you would have been rotting away at the street of Yiling like the miserable man that you are. Something akin to guilt froze his heart. That pale, shock look on Jiang Wanyin that day was not a look of someone planning a spiteful retaliation. It was a look of a man who had given up; Jiang Wanyin felt defeated.

Back then, all Lan Wangji felt was a sense of victory because that hateful man was now gone from his husband’s life but now? Now?!

Did he push Jiang Wanyin to do this?

“Are you coming?” Wei Ying had changed his clothes and strapped both Chenqing and Suibian to his waist. The glow of strong core was apparent on Wei Ying’s radiant face and he knew that it was true. Jiang Wanyin did give his core back to Wei Wuxian.

“Do you want me to come?” Lan Wangji said softly. Guilt blocked his heart and throat that he could scarcely speak. “It was my words that pushed Jiang Wanyin to do this.”

“We don’t know that yet!” Wei Wuxian said harshly. He hated the guilt on Lan Wangji’s face, knowing all too well the fault was his. It had always been his own. His husband was only trying to protect him. But he? He had kept his silence. “Something else must have happened within the two months we haven’t seen Jiang Cheng. There could be a lot of other reasons. That’s why I am going to Lotus Pier. I’m going to see Jiang Cheng and ask him!”

Lan Wangji nodded his head.

When they arrived at Lotus Pier, there was a sense of quietness in the usual rowdy pier. But the bustling market was blanketed by an aura of solemnness and the people had worn sad facades on their faces. Something bad had happened. Something sorrowful had happened and Wei Wuxian quickly thought the worst.

“No, no, no… A-Cheng… don’t you fucking dare do this to me…” He muttered under his breath as he quickened his steps into a frantic jog. His heart thundered against his ribs as he pushed his way towards the gate. Behind him, Lan Wangji ran to follow.

As soon as he pushed through the gate and guards, damning all decorum to hell, his feet that were running into the receiving room suddenly halted at the sight of the familiar purple leader robe at the top of the dais. But the face of the person who was wearing it was not the one he was looking for. On the dais, Jiang Zhou assumed the place whereas previously he had always been sitting close beside Jiang Cheng as his most trusted advisor.

All blood on Wei Wuxian’s face drained. What had happened?! He thought wildly as panic swallowed him. Why is Jiang Cheng not here?! What happened in the last 4 days he was gone?! “Jiang Zhou!” He called out. “Where’s Jiang Cheng?!”

“You must address him Sect Leader Jiang, Wei Wuxian!” One of the guards hissed behind him.

The implication was not lost to him. There was only one reason Jiang Cheng would ever give up his position; it was because he was dead. “No! NO!” Wei Wuxian gasped as he put his hand on his chest. Lan Wangji quickly stepped closer to steady his husband. “Where’s he? WHERE’S A-CHENG?!”

Jiang Zhou rose from his seat and walked toward the hyperventilating man. He raised his hands to clasp each other’s hand and bow. “Wei Wuxian, Jiang Wanyin has left the Lotus Pier five days ago  and he has left it to me as his true successor. He has also decreed that any children of my own is to follow the succession. He has also instructed me to allow you in and take whatever memento that you want as heirlooms that proved that you were once a Jiang family. I was just about to send you a letter.”

Wei Wuxian felt lightheaded. He felt that he could pass out any second. Jiang Cheng was not dead? He left?! What did it mean? “Is he alive?” He asked tremblingly.

Jiang Zhou’s remorseful face was so stark that crystallised form of unshed tears hanged precipitously. It was clear Jiang Wanyin’s departure affected him deeply. It was to be expected. Jiang Zhou had served Jiang Wanyin since he was seventeen, trying to build back Lotus Pier from nothing. Being older than Jiang Wanyin by ten year, Jiang Zhou had been the voice of reason and maturity that a young sect leader needed desperately. Just as Jiang Cheng relied on him, Jiang Zhou has always regarded Jiang Wanyin as his own family. “As far we know, he is. He just packed his bags and left in the middle of the night. When I went to his room that morning, it was bare, painstakingly cleaned and on the table were his letters of instructions. The elders of the clan also received the same letter, so, my appointment was not opposed.”

Jiang Zhou didn’t tell Wei Wuxian about the letters that Jiang Wanyin had left to Jin Ling. Sect Leader Jin still was unaware of his uncle’s departure. Jiang Zhou planned to go Lanling Jin soon, so that he could present the letters and a small box that Jiang Wanyin had left for him. That information was for Jin Ling and Jin Ling alone.

“Why didn’t you send anybody to look for him?!” Wei Wuxian accused. Tears were streaming down his face and he didn’t give a flying care about how it would look to the Jiang’s court. His brother was gone! “Why are you content with a few measly letters?! He couldn’t have left voluntarily. Lotus Pier is his life!”

“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji murmured softly at his side, running down a comforting motion at his back.

Jiang Zhou looked around the court and decided that Jiang Wanyin deserved a bit of secret even if he had denounced his position. “Let’s talk in private, Master Wei, Hanguang-Jun.” He led the cultivation partners into Jiang sect leader’s office.

Once the door was closed behind, Jiang Zhou invited them to sit as he served them teas to calm the distraught man. He allowed his guests a few moments to get their back their bearing. Wei Wuxian’s heart fell further at the sight of Jiang Cheng’s office bare, furthering cementing the fact that his brother had really stepped down as Jiang Sect Leader. He furiously wiped away the tears that wouldn’t stop falling and Hanguang-Jun solemn face darkened.

After a few minutes calming himself down, Wei Wuxian spoke up, “Why did Jiang Cheng leave?”

Jiang Zhou sighed softly as he tried to search for his words. In the letters Jiang Wanyin left him, he didn’t explicitly say the reason for his resignation. But the perk of being a right-hand man, he was privy of the most intimate moments of Jiang Wanyin’s live. The moments of vulnerability, insecurity and doubtfulness. As much as he tried to support him, there was only so much he could do to fight off the powerful memories of the past that seemed to haunt Jiang Cheng endlessly. He didn’t want to tell anyone about those moments, but Wei Wuxian deserved to have any meaning from Jiang Cheng’s departure.

“For as long as I have been with him, whatever Jiang Wanyin did, he did it with an ending in its mind. When we were rebuilding the Lotus Pier, he kept telling me to imagine how grand Lotus Pier would look like once it finished. Or when he was raising Jin Ling - how happy he would be once Jin Ling had taken the first step, had taken up his first sword, had mastered the first sword style… At first I thought he was a goal-oriented person – a person who knew what he wanted and how to go about with it. I had admired him for the longest time for that.”

Jiang Zhou swallowed the sadness that lodged in his throat hard at the rush of memories. “But I gradually realised that Jiang Wanyin measured his life by stages of his accomplishments. It was as if he had a list of expectations that he needed to fulfil. It took years for me to understand that the list was the list of Madam Yu and Jiang Fengmian’s expectation of him, and that he was still living with the ghosts of the past, yelling him to keep on going and going, giving and giving, until he was nothing but a vessel for someone else to use.” Jiang Zhou closed his eyes. “It was hard for me watch because I love him like a family. Once you get through the thorns on the outside, you will never find another friend that loved so fiercely and so steadfastly loyal like Jiang Wanyin.”

Wei Wuxian’s heart ached. He lived with Jiang Cheng all his life and he knew it. He knew how Madam Yu preyed on his son’s yearning for her love. He knew how cold and indifferent Jiang Fengmian was towards his own son. He knew that no matter what Jiang Cheng did, it would never be enough for both of them – one expected too much and the other one expected too little, but he knew Jiang Cheng would still bend his back break to please them.  

“But those were old wounds. Those wounds that I know still bleed but Jiang Wanyin have learned to live with them and I have also learned to navigate through them. But the recent ones are those that I am still learning to understand,” Jiang Zhou said.

“The recent ones?” Lan Wangji asked quietly.

“After the incident in Guanyin Temple, Jiang Wanyin didn’t say much of what had transpired, but only those pertaining Jin Guangyao’s transgressions. But I know something else had happened that rattled him so badly.”

“What do you mean?” Wei Wuxian’s eyes were wide.

“I’m not sure, but after that incident, I noticed that Jiang Wanyin rarely used Zidian and Sandu. I wasn’t sure why the sudden reticence towards his two most prized weapons but one day, he had gotten injured during one of the training sessions with the junior disciples. Instead of expediating the healing process, he opted for medical salve and normal thread and needle to close off the wound. It was then I realised his reticence was not towards his spiritual weapons; he had avoided using his golden core. I asked him why, but he simply shrugged his shoulders and said, ‘I cannot owe more than what I could have afforded. This wound is not a necessity.’”

Wei Wuxian wanted to stab himself. He remembered all the times Wen Ning and Lan Wangji accused Jiang Cheng of being ungrateful. And he also remembered how he had stayed silent all those times too and during the few times he did say something, he told Jiang Cheng to forget about it. He didn't want to talk about it. What else Jiang Cheng would think of this gesture? Of course he would think this as a debt that needed to be repaid!

“Something… psychologically poisonous was flowing through him. I wish I have asked more. I wish I have persisted. I wish I have tried to understand why him being here, in this cultivation world, pains him in a way I can never comprehend. It’s only exacerbated after your return, Master Wei,” Jiang Zhou confessed apologetically. “I know you have no control how your resurrection affects people around you, but you need to understand this. Unlike other people, Jiang Wanyin loves you the longest. He may not say it, but he loves you more than he loves himself, just as he always does to his family. But he also hates you for taking away everything that defines him. He hates you for taking away the only brother and best friend that he has ever known. I think that is why he acted the way he did.”

Wei Wuxian was silently crying and Hanguang-jun held on tight to him. Jiang Zhou wiped away his tears as well. Years of watching Jiang Wanyin carrying Chenqing with him made him understood the depth of his leader’s feelings. The love that he carried would always triumph over his anger and sadness. That was why he never said anything about Jiang Wanyin’s twice-a-month trips to Cloud Recesses. His leader always believed if he gave and gave and gave, perhaps people that he loved would believe in his love.

But at the same time, Jiang Zhou had often prayed Jiang Wanyin would find someone to love him in return. He wanted Jiang Wanyin to understand that love was not always about giving, it was about receiving as well.

A true love should be reciprocated. A true love was about being held as much as holding on. A true love should never be parasitic and selfish.

Jiang Wanyin had never known that kind of love and it made Jiang Zhou incredibly sad.

“So, when one day I opened his door and found him gone, I was not surprise. Incredibly sad and regretful because Jiang Wanyin was a great leader, but not surprise. Everything here, except Jin Ling, is a source of his pain and I knew that one day, when Jin Ling is safely in his position as Sect Leader Jin, Jiang Wanyin will go. I just don’t know what will be the straw that break the already straining camel’s back.”

Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji knew. They knew it wasn’t Lan Wangji’s words that caused Jiang Wanyin to do this because Jiang Wanyin had been bearing it for more than a decade. But it was those words that cemented his beliefs and strengthened his decision.

“Do you know what causes Jiang Wanyin to finally decide to leave, Master Wei?” Jiang Zhou asked softly. Wei Wuxian didn’t answer, but the ever-astute Jiang Zhou could deduce it fairly well.

Was he angry? Undoubtably. He was awfully protective of his young sect leader. But was he going to blame Wei Wuxian? He wanted to, oh heavens, how he wanted to, but he couldn’t. Jiang Wanyin wouldn’t want that. And, how was Wei Wuxian to know about all the baggage that Jiang Wanyin was silently carrying? He wasn’t here for the last 16 years. Jiang Zhou was. If anything, the blame should lie with him.

When he received no answer from Wei Wuxian, Jiang Zhou sigh softly in resignation as he stood up. “You are welcome to stay here for as long as you want, Master Wei. If there is anything here that you wish to take with you, please feel free to do so. It is Jiang Wanyin’s final wish that you’ll be allowed take any memento should you wish to.”

Without waiting for reply, Jiang Zhou bowed in respect, not as Jiang Wanyin’s family but at least as delegates from Gusu Lan, before leaving the couple alone. His love for Jiang Wanyin made him angry at the cultivation partners on his leader’s behalf, but Jiang Zhou was the sect leader now and he needed to play safe politic for his people.

The silence fell in the room. For the longest time, Wei Wuxian couldn’t find any word to say. Tears wouldn’t stop streaming down his face and his heart had never experienced this kind of hurting. Not even when he wasn’t allowed to attend A-Jie wedding, nor when Wen Ning accidentally killed Jin Zixuan, nor when he had accidentally caused A-Jie’s death, nor when he had fallen down to death had his heart ached this much.

Was it his love for Jiang Cheng that caused him to hurt this much? Or was it because of the guilt? Did he ever care Jiang Cheng feelings at all for all the times he was gallivanting with the Wens while Jiang Cheng was left alone to rebuild Lotus Pier? Or even after his resurrection, he was still gallivanting with Lan Zhan while Jiang Cheng still made his effort to try to mend their relationship? Wei Wuxian was a horrible older brother – just because he had given away his core, it didn’t mean it should absolve him from his vow and responsibility as Jiang Cheng’s gege.

Especially when that was not what Jiang Cheng had expected from him. Jiang Cheng only wanted his older brother to be there for him.

And he had failed Jiang Cheng spectacularly.

“I am…” Wei Wuxian spoke up hoarsely and softly after many moments later since Jiang Zhou left them in Jiang Cheng’s former room. Lan Wangji raised his head to look at his husband. Wei Wuxian swallowed hard before he tried again. “I am a horrible brother to Jiang Cheng…”

Tears slipped down his pale cheeks again, just when he thought he had shed it all. Lan Wangji quickly raised his fingers to wipe them away and let his hand lingered at the curve of Wei Wuxian lean jaw. His heart hurt when his husband’s heart was hurting. But this time, he shared the blame for making Wei Ying hurt, so, he kept his silence.

“He took me in as his family even after I’ve taken away his dogs. And years after that, he still took me in as his family even after I stole his father’s affection and his mother’s love. Other children would have hated their adoptive brother, but not him; he still regarded me as his brother and his best friend. Did you know, Lan Zhan, that day when the Wens came to Lotus Pier, Madam Yu had every intention to whip me to death and to cut off my arm just so she could save Lotus Pier, but Jiang Cheng had stepped in between his mother’s Zidian and me, on his knees, begging for Madam Yu’s mercy. He begged, Lan Zhan, as if his heart was breaking.”

Lan Wangji sharply inhaled his breath because this was a new tale for him. All that he knew about Jiang Wanyin was his sharp tongue and harsh conduct and red-hot vengeance. But to be told the side of his fierce and unyielding loyalty and love?

“And then, when I gave away my core to him, I was so immersed in my grief for the loss of my ability and for how the demonic cultivation changed me, that I didn’t care about his worry for me. He knew I was keeping a secret from him, but I didn’t tell him when he asked. I lied to him. Yunmeng Jiang was still struggling to regain its former strength and stability, and instead of helping like I’d promised him, I went ahead and saved the Wens, without caring that I would put Jiang Cheng in an impossible position – to save Yunmeng Jiang Sect, or to support his useless brother in his misguided attempt to do what was right in all the wrong ways. In the end, all he could do was disavowing me so that Yunmeng Jiang Sect still had its footing in cultivator world and A-Jie could still marry the man that she loved.”

And how Lan Wangji had hated Jiang Wanyin for that. He always thought that the reason for Wei Wuxian’s death was because Jiang Wanyin was spineless and had left Wei Wuxian all alone without support. Jiang Wanyin had broken all ties with Wei Wuxian and he believed that pushed Wei Wuxian further away. But, now, he wondered what he, himself, would do instead, if he was put in the impossible position between the rock and the hard place.

“Despite all that, despite of all of my wrongs… He still brought A-Jie to see me in her wedding robe because he didn’t want me to miss seeing our sister in her most beautiful moment. He was all sharp-tongue during that meeting, but I could still remember the softness in his eyes when he saw all three of us together. He risked his sect’s reputation by coming to see me. That was a gift that I didn’t deserve but he gave it to me anyway,” The self-loathing confession came out frothing as if the acid dripped from Wei Wuxian’s mouth.

Lan Wangji didn’t know that either. When he saw Wei Wuxian was not amongst the family member when Jiang Yanli married Jin Zixuan, his heart was filled with silent fury and his hatred for Jiang Wanyin had intensified. What he saw had cemented his belief of Jiang Wanyin’s selfishness and arrogance. Lan Wangji closed his eyes in utter remorse. How could he be so blind to judge a person as selfish and unable to love when he didn’t know the whole picture?  

“Jiang Cheng did all he could, to do right by me, despite the impossible circumstances that I put him in. He did. And yet… and still, I went ahead and caused the death of his brother-in-law and beloved his sister. The only family that he had left, I stole that away too!” Wei Wuxian buried his face in his palms, his shoulders shook in untold grief. “I took away his nephew’s mother and father when he was barely a month old, and then, I took the easy way out by throwing myself off the cliff. I left Jiang Cheng, yet again, to clean up the remnants of my ill deeds. Lan Zhan, he raised Jin Ling by himself! He was only seventeen, Lan Zhan, SEVENTEEN. I- I took away his whole family and at seventeen, he was a father to his infant nephew and a leader to his fledging sect! And he had no one to rely on to, no family left to support him.”

“And what did I think when I came back to life? I was arrogant enough to think my measly, insignificant core was enough to pay all the favours and love that Jiang Cheng had given to me. I didn’t even give him any explanation that night at Guanyin Temple. I just walk away, AGAIN.” Wei Wuxian said bitterly. He had never hated himself even more than he hated himself at this moment. “Even if I gave every last drop of my blood – in this life and my previous one -, I will always owe him.”

Lan Wangji was finally seeing Jiang Wanyin in a whole new light right now. All those 16 years when Wei Wuxian was dead, he was cruel and hateful towards Jiang Wanyin. He treated Jiang Wanyin like he was worse than the dirt under his shoes all because he was grieving over Wei Wuxian’s death. But now he realised that Jiang Wanyin was grieving too, for a whole lot more than just the death of his older brother. The rage Jiang Wanyin showed to the world was because he grieved for his family, for the loss of his home, and for his nephew, who would never know his parents.

And while Lan Wangji had Lan Xichen and his uncle to fall back on to, Jiang Wanyin had no one. Who was him to judge his grief was greater than Jiang Wanyin’s?

He ought to rip the white ribbon that he wore on his forehead for how cruel he had conduct himself all these years.

Unaware of how his words were affecting his husband, Wei Wuxian was finally drained from all the tears as he whispered softly. “All those times he accompanied me in all of my immature pranks; all those times he defended me from his mother, sharing our punishments together; all those times he stepped aside when his father favoured me, and all those times he chased away every single dog, even though I knew he loved them, just because I was afraid…”

Wei Wuxian looked back at Lan Wangji – his face was pale; his eyes were red, and his heart was hollow. “…I was a horrible, horrible brother to Jiang Cheng. It was I who should have crawled to the gate of Lotus Pier and begged for his forgiveness.”

And a lone tear came down trickling delicately along Lan Wangji’s cheek.

* * * * * *

Wei Wuxian was determined to find his brother. Lan Wangji wanted to accompany his husband but his role as Chief Cultivator found himself hard to do so. He was determined to denounce his role but what about his secondary role as Gusu Lan Sect Leader? After a long thinking, Wei Wuxian had agreed for Lan Xichen to be informed about this development. Lan Xichen had been in seclusion for one year and perhaps, if he was being told about the current predicament, he would be willing to break his seclusion and assumed his position as a Sect Leader so that Lan Wangji could follow Wei Wuxian in his quest.

“So, brother,” Lan Wangji said softly, as he bowed his head low, begging for his brother’s assistance. “For your didi, please break your seclusion. I will owe you for the rest of my life.”

A year into the seclusion, Lan Xichen had not changed much, except for his eyes were a bit duller but still sharp enough. He had grown jaded about the world around him and thought that nothing could shock him anymore. And then, Lan Wangji had come and brought him this news: Jiang Wanyin had left Lotus Pier to his second-in-command and quitted the cultivation world.

Lan Xichen’s heart dropped like a lead.

The news about Jiang Wanyin denouncing his Sect Leader position was certainly shocking, but not as earth-shattering as the news that Jiang Wanyin had returned Wei Wuxian’s core and taken Mo Xuanyu’s. The prideful Jiang Wanyin, willing to take a weaker core? Lan Wangji didn’t tell him the catalyst that spurred Jiang Wanyin to do so, but Lan Xichen had always known his brother's utter dislike towards the man. His brother blamed Jiang Wanyin for Wei Wuxian’s death. He could imagine the cruel words that Lan Wangji could have uttered. Why else would Lan Wangji so determined to do this if not because of guilt?

But still, for Jiang Wanyin to be driven to do something this extreme? Lan Xichen couldn’t help remembering the way Jiang Wanyin had looked at accursed night in Guanyin Temple when Jin Guangyao shoved cruelly the fact his golden core wasn’t even his to Jiang Wanyin’s face.

A year into seclusion and Lan Xichen had reconciled with the fact Jin Guangyao had always been wearing a mask. More than a decade being as close as they were, Lan Xichen had made peace with the knowledge that he didn’t know his sworn brother at all. Nie Mingjue was an astute and world-weary man; he didn’t know Jin Guangyao either. Both of them were tricked and deceived by the innocent face of Jin Guangyao and the man that Lan Xichen had loved as a brother didn’t exist at all. Jin Guangyao didn’t exist – he was the mask that cover the bitter and twisted man that Meng Yao had always been.

If Nie Mingjue, a man who was suspicious of everyone, had fallen into Jin Guangyao’s charm, how was he, a man who trusted the good in everyone, was supposed to not believing him?

When that realisation took place, something heavy that chained him for one whole year was immediately released and Lan Xichen wanted to spend no more of his time – of his life -, thinking about Jin Guangyao. He had spent enough of his time pitying, admiring, liking and defending the man that had never deserved any of it in the first place.

Lan Xichen wanted to move on with life.

He was already planning to end his seclusion long before Lan Wangji had come. But he didn’t want to assume his position just yet. Lan Xichen wanted to see the world before he was saddled with responsibility. He wanted to believe in the goodness of people, the beauty of the world and the optimism about the future. And what could be a better excuse than for him to try to find Jiang Wanyin? He might not know Jiang Wanyin as well as he should have considering Jiang Wanyin was his fellow Sect Leader and they had been fighting side-by-side during the Sunshot Campaign, but Lan Xichen felt fairly certain Jiang Wanyin would not run away at the sight of him.

Well, as opposed to the sight of his brother.

After much deliberation, Lan Xichen spoke up gently. “Supposed you and Wei Wuxian went on to your quest. Supposed both of you found him. How do you think it would go? What do you think Jiang Wanyin’s reaction would be? Do you think you have the slightest of chance of persuading him to come home?” When both of you were the one who pushed him to brink in the first place. The words were unuttered, but Lan Xichen knew Lan Wangji heard them anyway.

The furrow in between Lan Wangji’s eyebrows told Lan Xichen that he didn’t think about that.

Lan Xichen continued, “If we want to have even the slightest chance of changing Jiang Wanyin’s mind, I do not think that both of you are the most suitable candidates to go. And I would think Wei Wuxian’s presence is just going to push Jiang Wanyin further away; wounds still as fresh as they are.”

“Then, what do you suggest, brother?”

Lan Xichen stood up and knelt in front of his brother. He held Lan Wangji’s arms tight, trying to reassure his distraught brother. “I will break my seclusion, Lan Wangji. But not to assume the Sect Leader position. In fact, I will end my seclusion and I will take over the quest of finding Jiang Wanyin. Amongst all three of us, Jiang Wanyin will be most amenable towards me, I hope. And I will try my utmost effort to persuade Jiang Wanyin, if not to return, at least to see Wei Wuxian.”

Lan Wangji’s eyes were wide. “You would do that?”

Lan Xichen smiled softly. “Of course I would. Jiang Wanyin is not a stranger to me. We fought together during the Sunshot Campaign. Plus, I am an unbiased arbitrator.”

“But I don’t think Wei Ying…”

“Wei Wuxian-“ Lan Xichen interrupted gently. “-is an emotional man with a foot in the mouth tendency. He led often by his heart rather than his mind and he is too close to be rational about this. I fear that all his good intentions will be overshadowed by his emotions. I don’t think we can afford anymore misunderstanding, do we?”

Lan Wangji shook his head. He agreed with his brother. Wei Ying had the tendency to push people until they agreed with him. While it was Lan Wangji’s greatest privilege to indulge his husband, Jiang Wanyin might not see the good intention. He might overreact and before they all knew it, they would repeat the incident that caused all of it to happen. Furthermore, as Lan Wangji looked at his pale brother; a year in seclusion had caused the pale white skin to become almost translucent, Lan Xichen would benefit greatly from this quest. Perhaps by seeing the world and realising that the good people are a lot more than evil people like Jin Guangyao, the light that Lan Xichen always seem to have within him could be restored.

With one last bow to his brother, Lan Wangji murmured, “I will talk to Wei Ying. Thank you, brother.”

“You’re welcome, Wangji.”

Chapter Text

It took three weeks for Lan Xichen to realise that he was wrong. Jiang Wanyin was a stranger to him.

A week after the talk he had with Lan Wangji, Lan Xichen set out in his quest. He didn’t know how long this would take but he was confident Jiang Wanyin bound to leave clues of his whereabouts. However, after three weeks of retracing the steps of Jiang Wanyin, Lan Xichen began to realise that this might be not as simple as he thought it would be. It was hard to track down Jiang Wanyin, since he didn’t really know much about the man himself. After much wandering, Lan Xichen knew that if he wanted to know even the direction of where Jiang Wanyin went, Lan Xichen must get to know him - his history, his likes, his dislikes even his dreams. 

No one planned his permanent retirement without relating to something that he was passionate about, right?

To do so, he needed to go to Lotus Pier. The people of Lotus Pier were the ones who knew Jiang Wanyin the best. But if he went there with the reason that he wanted to look for Jiang Wanyin, he didn't think any of his inquiries were going to be answered. A few letters from Lan Wangji during his journey told him how tight the lips of people of Yunmeng Jiang when it came to inquiries about their former leader. It was as if Sect Leader Jiang Zhou had told them about Jiang Wanyin’s wish to be left alone and they were now fiercely protecting him by keeping it quiet. He knew this because all queries made by Wei Wuxian about his sworn brother were answered with cold stares.

It was truly amazing, really, to see the loyalty Jiang Wanyin had incited amongst his people.

So, instead of barging into the Lotus Pier, he wrote an official letter to Sect Leader Jiang Zhou, asking for his permission to have an official visit, his first one after the end of his seclusion. He used the excuse of wanting to familiarise himself with the current political stances before resuming his position as a Sect Leader himself. He wasn't entirely breaking his sect's rules by lying, rather he was omitting the other reason of his visit. 

Jiang Zhou had been more than happy to receive him. The man stood at the gateway of the pier, waiting patiently for Lan Xichen’s boat to arrive. The curve of the Lotus Pier entrance arch was a sight that he had not seen for quite some time, but the unchanged scenery was a welcome he needed. Lan Xichen stepped down to the pier, and when he saw a different face wearing the familiar purple Sect Leader's robe, he was struck by an unexpected feeling of melancholy. For as long as he had become a Sect Leader, Jiang Wanyin had always been the one to wear that robe. Lan Xichen remembered clearly the haughty tilt of his chin, the severity of his high bun and the way he always twisted Zidian with his thumb.

He was the epitome of a Yunmeng cultivator- fierce, capable and steadfast in anything that they did. It took a while for Lan Xichen to realise that the melancholy feeling in his heart meant that he was going to miss Jiang Wanyin as his fellow sect leader. 

Before long, both of them sat across each other in Jiang leader’s office room with steaming teas served on the low table. He updated himself with the current political climate - only Yunmeng Jiang had a new leader and a new clan had appeared at the edge of former Qishen Wen territory -, he had also casually asked for the whereabouts of Yunmeng Jiang's predecessor, pleading his ignorance due to his seclusion. Jiang Zhou suspected nothing as Lan Xichen had skilfully woven one topic to another as one whole fabric. He was, after all, an excellent arbitrator.

"Jiang Wanyin had retired, Sect Leader Lan. Maybe to places where there are body of lake or waters. We, Jiang, found ourselves to be attached to the sound of water, most probably as a result of being born in one," Jiang Zhou joked in a light-hearted manner. Lan Xichen carefully kept that information in his mind while he chuckled accordingly. Then he cleverly ignored the topic of Jiang Wanyin to ask about what Jiang Zhou meant when he said Jiangs were being born in the water. He didn’t want Jiang Zhou to think he was interested in the former leader. He nodded in all the right places about the explanation of waterbirth practices. 

After spending many minutes of conversation of various topics, he saw another opportunity. They were talking about the last night-hunt's fatalities, and Lan Xichen was telling about Gusu Lan practices of taking in orphans as part of their outer level disciples. Jiang Zhou, in return, talked about Yunmeng Jiang's practices of taking care of their orphans in an orphanage that was financed by Yunmeng leader himself and how Jiang Zhou found himself to be more than willing to continue Jiang Wanyin’s legacy. 

“You mean the orphanage is sponsored by the sect’s coffer?” Lan Xichen asked.

“No, Sect Leader Lan. What I mean is that Jiang Wanyin personally provides the financial needs from his own wealth. He always has issues about using Sect’s coffer that is not for the purpose of Jiang Sect. Jiang Wanyin always deems that taking care of the orphan is his own personal wants, so, he uses his own money to run the orphanage.”

Lan Xichen was silently impressed by this. It was rare for any sect leader to personally care about the lives of orphans, especially when the Sect leader was using his own personal coffer. If there ever was a leader who did it, the ferocious Sandu Shengshou will be the last in Lan Xichen's list. What motivated Jiang Wanyin? 

"He has always had soft spot for orphans. I supposed it was because he was an orphan at a tender age of seventeen and was immediately burdened by the task of rebuilding Jiang Sect all by himself," Jiang Zhou answered thoughtfully. "There was no one for him to rely on back then, not even myself. I went into Jiang's household just before Madam Jiang Yanli had gotten married, so, really, Jiang Wanyin had been building this sect all on his own. And Yunmeng Jiang massacre had left a lot of orphans. Plus, Jin Ling was an orphan too. The whole situation strikes too close to home, I guess."

"Where are the orphans housed? I didn't see a lot of children in Lotus Pier."

Jiang Zhou laughed. "Since the end of Sunshot Campaign and Jiang Wanyin re-establishing Lotus Pier, there weren't a lot of new orphans. The prosperity Jiang Wanyin brought to the sect rarely creates new orphans, so the number is slowly dwindling. The ones that Jiang Wanyin have supported during the war have all grown up and make a living on their own. Some work here and some have settled at the outskirts of Lotus Pier. There are also some who have remained very close to Jiang Wanyin. Right now, the orphanage houses only around 15 children, less than a fraction of what it used to be."

"Oh? That is an achievement, no doubt!" Lan Xichen exclaimed in wonder. The fascination within him suddenly grew. Before he knew it, he was no longer fishing for information, but instead, Lan Xichen was genuinely intrigued by Jiang Wanyin. "I am ashamed to confess that I never realise how little I know about him aside from him being the infamous Sandu Shengshou." Faint flush graced across Lan Xichen’s fair face.

"Mmm," Jiang Zhou's sigh was a mixture of sadness, regret and pride. "I don’t think it was by design. Jiang Wanyin is never the one to talk much about himself. He keeps everything too close to himself that people sometimes perceive him to be unapproachable and cold. It is the by-product from his upbringing, I supposed. Madam Yu and Jiang Fengmian were not exactly full of warmth – especially to their youngest.”

Lan Xichen frowned at that implication that Jiang Wanyin’s childhood was an unhappy one. He, then, recalled every cultivators’ meeting and night-hunting that he had attended and realised how pre-occupied he was with his own sworn brothers to never really converse with Jiang Wanyin. He was satisfied with a simple nod from Jiang Wanyin when he asked for his health and he just moved away. In the hindsight, Jiang Zhou was correct. Jiang Wanyin kept everything too tightly to himself that if Lan Xichen really thought about it, there wasn’t much he knew about the former Sect Leader Jiang.

“I would like to think that Jin Ling is an exception to that,” Lan Xichen said thoughtfully. “Jiang Wanyin raised him, after all. I have seen how much Jiang Wanyin adores his nephew. The bond between them is closer than any other true parent-child relationship that I have ever seen.”

Jiang Zhou curved up a wide, mirthful smile. “Jin Ling and Jiang Xian, to be exact.”

Lan Xichen’s heart quickened at the new lead but quickly covered it up. “Jiang Xian? Who is that?” He said casually, as if it was an afterthought, rather than the only solid lead he had in two weeks.

“Remember I told you about the orphans that Jiang Wanyin took in after the Wens burned down Lotus Pier? Jiang Wanyin had saved Jiang Xian from his burning home when he was only six years old. The culprits were the Wens, who fled after the Sunshot Campaign and they had burned most of Jiang Xian’s village. In retaliation, Jiang Wanyin had killed all the Wens. But he was too late to save Jiang Xian’s parents, so naturally he took him away with him. They were inseparable after that. Whenever Jiang Wanyin returned home, Jiang Xian would always greet him at the pier gate like a son, waiting for his father home. It was hilarious to watch, considering they were merely 14 years apart.”

Lan Xichen smiled at the image of twenty-year-old Jiang Wanyin, barely out of his teenage years, being hounded by a six-year old child. He tried to imagine Jiang Wanyin as an indulgent father figure, spending his time playing with his nephew and Jiang Xian, because he had to be indulgent, right? Jin Ling would not turn out to be so secured in his uncle’s affection and love if that wasn’t the case. He wouldn’t be so flippant at his uncle’s threat to break his legs, if Jiang Wanyin weren’t an indulgent father figure. And Jiang Xian wouldn’t be waiting for him at the pier gate as well. 

But as much as he tried to imagine Jiang Wanyin to be loving, he failed because for twenty years of knowing him, Lan Xichen had only been allowed to see Sandu Shengshou and never Jiang Wanyin.

It surprised him to realise how much Lan Xichen wanted to see that hidden side. He wondered how the perpetually scowling Jiang Wanyin would look with a soft smile on his face, playing with orphan children just because he had known how lonely it was to grow up without parental love. Lan Xichen suddenly want to be one of the very few  trusted people that Jiang Wanyin seemed to keep.

He quickly pushed the longing deep inside his heart. This feeling was unexpected. “Oh, I supposed Jiang Xian didn’t take the news of Jiang Wanyin's resignation too well?” Lan Xichen asked curiously. 

The smile vanished from Jiang Zhou as sadness replaced it. “No, he didn’t. Ever since I have taken the mantle, Jiang Xian doesn’t come here anymore. That boy’s heart is too soft. Sadness doesn’t touch him often, but when it does, Jiang Xian often runs towards Jiang Wanyin. And now that Jiang Wanyin has gone away…” He sighed deeply. “I guess he has gone back to his hometown, licking his wound.”

“It sounds like a very close relationship,” Lan Xichen quietly observed. Jiang Xian should know more about Jiang Wanyin's whereabout than Jiang Zhou. He needed to find him.

Jiang Zhou shrugged. “There are only a few, remaining Jiangs left ever since the Wens massacred our family. What few we have left we defend and protect with our infamous Jiang ferocity. People often thought the Jiangs are too bad-tempered and quick to offend, but when you’re left with this kind of circumstance, you’d tend to be wary as well. Jiang Xian comes from a branch of Jiang family that originated from Jiang Fengmian’s father’s younger brother. So, Jiang Xian is his nephew once removed, I think.”

“And what of you, Sect Leader Jiang?”

“Me? I’m from another Jiang branch. We shared the same great, great grandparents. So… third cousin, twice removed?” Jiang Zhou laughed self-depreciatingly. “I’m bad at genecology. Jiang Wanyin is much better at keeping track with our family tree.”

Jiang Zhou took a sip of his now cooled tea, grimacing at the stale taste. Lan Xichen followed suit, allowing Sect Leader Jiang to gather his thoughts. The difference between these two leaders was stark. While Jiang Wanyin was a man of few words, Jiang Zhou seemed more of a laid back person and more than wiling to share things that weren't usually known. Lan Xichen knew more about Jiang family in two hours of sharing tea with Jiang Zhou, than when he was a colleague to Jiang Wanyin for twenty years. 

After a few moments, the older man spoke up again. “Lotus Pier used to be filled with laughter from children and family members. Now it is filled with echoes of silence and ghosts from the past. We can rebuild the structure and the building, but we can never replace the heart of Lotus Pier – the family itself. I can barely stay here sometimes, before I was married to my wife. At least now with my cultivation partner, I know I have a found a way to move on. I know I have found the strength to live again – in the present time for a future that I will look forward to.”

Jiang Zhou sighed deeply. “In retrospect, I’m actually glad Jiang Wanyin did this. For seventeen years I’ve watched him freeze in the same spot. It is as if everything that he did, is driven by the past that he can't seem to move away from. How do you even begin to start healing in the place that fills with all the painful memories? And now? He is doing something, for the first time ever, for his own sake. Jiang Wanyin is being selfish for the first time in his life and I- I’m happy for him.”

This was an realisation for Lan Xichen. It never occurred to him that being selfish was not a luxury that Jiang Wanyin had. Ever since the massacre at Lotus Pier, did Jiang Wanyin ever once do something that was for his own sake? Lan Xichen didn't think so. From rebuilding the Lotus Pier to raising Jin Ling to attempting to mend burnt bridges with Wei Wuxian, Jiang Wanyin had not once taken an extended period for himself. At least, when the tragedy with his own Venerated Triad was over, Lan Xichen could hide himself in seclusion – he had his own family to fall back onto.

But Jiang Wanyin had been up and running for seventeen years. Did he ever stop and grief for his own series of tragedies properly?

Lan Xichen’s empathetic heart began to bleed for Jiang Wanyin. There was this urge within him that wanted so badly to gather the young man within his arms. He wanted to offer a hand of friendship to Jiang Wanyin just so he could do something to share the burden. How would it feel to forge a friendship with someone with a deep sense of loyalty like him? To know that whatever happened, Jiang Wanyin would never betray his trust, would always defend him and would never, ever use him.

Jiang Wanyin would never wear a mask for twenty years. He would always be honest to him. 

Lan Xichen raised his hand to rub the phantom pain in his heart away. 

At the end of their meeting, Lan Xichen accepted Jiang Zhou’s invitation to stay at Lotus Pier for the night. He excused himself and let himself wander around the Lotus Pier.

While he was waiting for dinner time, Lan Xichen asked one of the disciples to guide him to the orphanage house. Imagine his surprise that the house was located within the walking distance. He had thought that Jiang Wanyin would simply finance the operation and leave the day-to-day operation to someone else. The proximity suggested how involved Jiang Wanyin was in taking care of the orphans.

The matron was a plump middle age woman; her cheeks were perpetually tinted with rose-coloured flush and her lips was curved into a generous smile. There were at least two children under the age of ten and the remaining eight were practically teenagers. Lan Xichen would assume their ages ranged from 12 to 15 years old. “Ah, Sect Leader Lan is visiting! My, my, this is rare!” The matron laughed. Lan Xichen, then, learned her name was Fa Xingfu. An apt name for such a jovial woman.

Lan Xichen smiled radiantly. He had always had a soft spot for children and judging by their appearances and manners, Lan Xichen knew they were in excellent care. “I just learned that former Sect Leader Jiang founded this orphanage and he had personally attended to its financial need. I must admit I was curious.”

Fa Xingfu waved for him to come in. "When Sect Leader- I mean, Jiang Wanyin couldn’t come, Jiang Xian usually took over. The kids adored him!”

The house was a bit messy, a sign of active children but not filthy. There were faint shrieks of laughter coming from the outside, while echoes of stern voices trying to keep the unruly children in check. “Him? You mean, Jiang Xian?” Lan Xichen asked, he was truly preoccupied with his surroundings.

“Jiang Wanyin, of course. Jiang Xian can be too doting; thank God for the firm hands from Jiang Wanyin. But now that Jiang Wanyin is gone, I guess all of the responsibilities would now fall on Jiang Xian's shoulders and mine."

As Lan Xichen watched the children run and play, he suddenly realised something. “These children aren’t all cultivators.” That was rare. Cultivators usually didn’t care to take in normal children.

Fa Xingfu gave him a side-way glance, judging his words carefully. “Mm… Jiang Wanyin loves children. I think this orphanage is the only place that Jiang Wanyin can call as his own. I don’t know why he never marry and get his own children, but I’m guessing all the candidates in the match-making process dislike the reputation Jiang Wanyin has. Fools, all of them. If only they knew what a catch our sect leader was.”

“Jiang Wanyin went for a match-making?” Lan Xichen was surprised. He would think a cultivator like Jiang Wanyin, with his sharp handsome face and the title of a sect leader, would not have any problem finding a spouse. And to resort going to a match-making process?

The plump woman put her hands on her hips and glared at Lan Xichen's disbelief tone. “I don’t appreciate you making fun of Jiang Wanyin, Sect Leader Lan. I know you probably have women lining up to offer themselves as your wife, with you being one of the Twin Jades and all, but our Jiang Wanyin is as pure as Yunmeng spring water. He doesn’t know what to do with women and women seem to either fear or hate him. Jiang Wanyin may be inept and inexperienced, but mark my word, a woman would be extremely lucky to have such a man in her life! I know for a fact just how capable he is to love. You just have to work for it.”

Lan Xichen’s eyes went wide. “I wasn’t making fun of him, Madam Fa! I was just- I was just surprised, that’s all. Jiang Wanyin is an extremely good-looking man and he was a sect leader. I never thought of him as being inexperienced in the matter of romance,” he flushed, flustered. “You see… I’ve always thought of him being… active…” Lan Xichen said lamely. Oh heavens, let the ground swallow him now.

Fa Xingfu pursed her lips thoughtfully at the embarrassed Sect Leader Lan beside her. She didn’t know whether to feel offended on behalf of her beloved benefactor for being presumed promiscuous or to feel flatter that the number one cultivator thought Jiang Wanyin as extremely good-looking. Something mischievous ignited within her. “Hm… well, perhaps Jiang Wanyin went about it in the wrong way.”

“Er... what do you mean by that?”

“Ah, nevermind!” Fa Xingfu smiled brightly. The way Lan Xichen’s ears went pink in embarrassment was endearing to say the least. And his interest and curiosity towards Jiang Wanyin was intriguing. Could it be Sect Leader Lan feel something for Jiang Wanyin? Hiding the laughter at that thought, she proceeded to continue her touring of the orphanage.

Lan Xichen listened to her prattling half-heartedly as he was still stunned by the revelation. Inside he felt his heart strangely expanded and warm.

An innocent Sandu Sengshou. He flushed deeply at how unbelievably attractive that sentence sounded. The notion it brought was seductive and beckoning. He guiltily wondered how that beautiful, scowling face would look like in bed. How it would feel like if Lan Xichen were the one to introduce him to the pleasure. 

Jiang Wanyin would look so exquisite… 

And Lan Xichen marvelled at how much his heart yearned to see it.

* * * * * *

Four days later, Lan Xichen was beginning to feel irritated. How difficult was it to find a 6-foot-2, 19-year old boy? Everywhere he went, people were either pointing to one or two directions, or they simply said, 'Jiang Xian is always at Lotus Pier'. Well, he just came from there. Nobody in Lotus Pier had seen Jiang Xian ever since Jiang Wanyin went away. They had assumed the boy was heartbroken considering how close he was to Jiang Wanyin. So, when Lan Xichen went to Jiang Xian hometown, it was frustrating when the people there were pointing him back to Lotus Pier. 

After hours of asking, Lan Xichen finally gave up his search for today. He went into an inn and booked a room for tonight. Then, he went into his room, freshening himself up, before going down once again to have his dinner. Perhaps the innkeeper or a waiter would be more amenable towards his inquiries than the townspeople. 

When a waiter knelt beside him to take his order, Lan Xichen put on his friendliest smile and asked, "I am looking for someone, but it seems nobody knows about it." 

The waiter looked up from his note and frowned. "Oh? That's odd. We here know practically everyone. Who are you looking for?" 

"I am looking for a boy named Jiang Xian. Perhaps you have heard of him?" 

"Jiang Xian? Of course. Why are you looking for him?" 

"I heard he is one of the best junior disciples of Yunmeng Jiang. I wish to hire him to assist me to get rid a beast that has attacked my village. Do you know where I can find him?" Lan Xichen said smoothly. 

"Jiang Xian?" the waiter laughed as if Lan Xichen had said something funny. "He may be one of the best junior disciples, but he is too gentle to be killing any beast. Ghouls, corpses, demonic presence? yes. Beast? Oh no… He squirms at the thought of taking any lives."

A Jiang who is gentle? Lan Xichen was taken aback. And he was raised by the fierce Jiang Wanyin? He had thought Jiang Xian would be like another Sandu Shengshou, or like Jin Ling at the very least. "What do you mean- gentle?" Lan Xichen asked. "I thought Sandu Shengshou raised him?" 

The waiter snorted. "It was Jiang Wanyin, who raised him, not Sandu Shengshou. You better know the difference, mister, before the townspeople heard you. We do not take kindly any outsiders' ill-thinking about our sect leader, former or not.” Oh, Lan Xichen thought regretfully, was that why the townspeople were giving him the runaround when he asked about Jiang Xian? Perhaps he should not use Jiang Wanyin’s title. 

The waiter continued, “The cultivation world thinks that what Sandu Shengshou did when he went after the demonic cultivators, was the same person as he was back home. If he is as vicious, and as ferocious as other cultivators had said about him, don't you think we would have rioted by now?"

Lan Xichen was quietly ashamed when he heard that because he was one of those cultivators who had assumed Jiang Wanyin to be like that. But he was willing to listen now even if it took him twenty years. 

This quest was no longer a favour for his brother anymore. Lan Xichen had become emotionally invested in finding Jiang Wanyin. 

"Will you tell me more about Jiang Wanyin, mister…?" 

"Li. My name is Feng Li. Sure, but my shift is ending in 30 minutes, so, why don't you have a dinner first and I will join you."

"Thank you."

As Lan Xichen waited for Feng Li to come back, he gathered his thoughts on what he had uncovered about Jiang Wanyin so far.

What a marvel, walking contradiction the man was. If Jin Guangyao had used a noble, good persona to hide his real, twisted self, Jiang Wanyin was willing to let the whole world think bad about himself and didn't bother to correct the assumption. Jiang Wanyin’s reputation as a vicious man was an inaccurate reflection of the man himself. He had been taking care of all Yunmeng Jiang orphans, he had even raised one as his own - a gentle Jiang, nevertheless, and he had earned the unflinching loyalty from his own people so much so it had made his own investigation so difficult. 

And he was inexperienced in the matter of romance and carnal pleasure… oh heavens, Lan Xichen groaned silently as he buried his face in his hands. He needs to get that particular knowledge out of his system before he became obsessed with Jiang Wanyin.

If all that he knew about Jiang Wanyin was, in fact, Sandu Shengshou, Lan Xichen began to wonder how the real Jiang Wanyin would be? 

For him to care for orphans and to raise a gentle cultivator like Jiang Xian, he must have a deep ability to love and willingness to show gentleness and patient in his conduct because from whom else would Jiang Xian emulate such characteristic? 

For him to raise a loyal and brave cultivator like Jin Ling, Jiang Wanyin must have an unwavering moral compass that saw the world in black and white. He saw demonic cultivation as wrong, so he pursued them relentlessly. He saw what Jin Guangyao did was wrong, so he barged into the temple bravely. And… Lan Xichen raised his head slowly… he saw the Jins had treated the Wens cruelly, that he didn’t do anything to stop Wei Wuxian.

And for him to earn such love from his own people that even in his absence, his people were still too protective of their leader, Jiang Wanyin must have been a just and generous person. The sight of rounded, rosy cheeks of children when Lan Xichen had travelled all over Yunmeng was the indicator of a great leader. 

But how did Lan Xichen miss all that? How could all those years of knowing Jiang Wanyin ended up with him never actually really knew the man? Did anybody in the cultivation world know? 

Did Wei Wuxian know? He hardly ever talked to his brother since the resurrection. Why didn't Wei Wuxian care to know about how Jiang Cheng had dealt with all the mess that he had left behind? The lack of caring from Wei Wuxian to his sworn brother after he was brought back to life had always perplexed Lan Xichen. 

Lan Xichen's heart ached at how lonely Jiang Wanyin must be, to be surrounded by his peers and yet, never really to be seen as who he was. No wonder Jiang Wanyin disliked attending any of the cultivation events. He was a stranger to them and they were strangers to him.

When Feng Li came back after the end of his shift, Lan Xichen invited the man to have dinner with him.

"I thought you are looking for Jiang Xian? Why the sudden interest in Jiang Wanyin?" Feng Li asked. Ah.. There was the suspicion that Lan Xichen was waiting for. He knew Feng Li's sudden willingness to indulge his curiosity on the enigma by the name of Jiang Wanyin was too good to be true. 

"You said not to equate Sandu Shengshou with Jiang Wanyin. It piques my interest because why shouldn't I? Sandu Shengshou's reputation is well-known."

"Are you a cultivator from Gusu Lan?" Feng Li narrowed his eyes, looking at the white attire and the strip of cloth around his forehead. As a normal waiter like Feng Li, the name Lan Xichen was known but he didn’t really know what the Sect Leader Lan really looked like. The anonymity was both refreshing and convenience. "If that’s so, then, it is also well-known around here that one of your sect leaders hates Jiang Wanyin. Why should I tell you anything, trying to enlighten the already made-up mind?" 

Lan Xichen had the grace of feeling ashamed on behalf of his brother. Gusu Lan was famous for their neutrality and unparalleled moral. To have normal people to know that one of the Twin Jades was harbouring resentment to their sect leader was appalling. But he felt the urge to still defend his brother. "The resentment is mutual, I think." He said delicately. 

Feng Li snorted ungracefully. "Wei Wuxian was his sworn brother all his life and, yet he forsook Jiang Wanyin twice: first to the Wens and second to the Gusu Lan. What is Hanguang-Jun's excuse?" 

Lan Xichen was left without words to keep making excuses for his brother. He couldn't just say Wei Wuxian is Hanguang-Jun's fated person and Jiang Wanyin drove him to throw himself off the cliff, could he? Not when Wei Wuxian had promised himself first to Jiang Wanyin. As a person who had been badly betrayed by his own sworn brother, Lan Xichen actually knew acutely how hurtful it felt. 

In a way, Lan Xichen empathised deeply with Jiang Wanyin.

"Look, I am sorry," Feng Li said eventually when Lan Xichen didn't say anything. "Whatever Hanguang-Jun thinks or feels about our former sect leader is not your fault. But it doesn't mean we are not angry, you know. We never wanted Jiang Wanyin to leave Lotus Pier and we may not know whether Hanguang-Jun contributed to the reasons why he left. After the whole fiasco with the Wens 16 years ago, us normal people were nothing but collateral damage to you cultivators, and Sect Leader Jiang Wanyin brought us peace, security and prosperity; something that we desperately needed after going through the war. To you he may be all barbs and barricades, but to us, Jiang Wanyin was the fairest of the judge, the harshest to the wrongdoers and the gentlest to the needy. Do you see any orphan loitering on the streets of Yunmeng Jiang? Do you?"

"You seem to really know your sect leader, Feng Li," Lan Xichen said quietly.

"Not as much as we would like to," the waiter sighed morosely. "Jiang Wanyin preferred to keep secrets about himself. He rarely showed us his likes and dislikes and all the times we persuaded Lotus Pier to hold birthday celebration for Jiang Wanyin, we were stumped about what to gift him. Sometimes we get the feeling that he didn't hold much regard of himself. That he didn't think he was worth all the trouble, which was an odd thing to think, considering he was a Sect Leader."

The insecurity and self-depreciation seemed to be the common theme in Jiang Wanyin's life. But, so many things layers that Lan Xichen had uncovered only to realise that there were more layers underneath remained unpeeled; hidden. Amongst his own people, Jiang Wanyin was the most honest as he had ever been and yet, they still unable to unravel the mystery of their sect leader. 

“As for Jiang Xian, I’m afraid he is not here. He hasn’t been here for two months already. I would wager that you would find him at the Lotus Pier, taking care of the other junior disciples’ training or even looking after the orphanage.” With that Feng Li took the last mouthful of tea before excusing himself.

Lan Xichen frowned as he nursed his cup alone. Another one pointing him back to Lotus Pier. He was beginning to think that Jiang Xian wasn’t in the Yunmeng at all. …But wait! Lan Xichen widened his eyes as he slowly put his tea down. What if the reason the townspeople didn’t see Jiang Xian was because Jiang Xian had accompanied Jiang Wanyin? All the stories he heard about Jiang Xian proved how much he cared for Jiang Wanyin. Of course his gentle heart couldn’t bear to see his benefactor go away on his own.

If that were so, Jiang Xian could be the one who organised this trip while Jiang Wanyin was busy settling his sect affairs. Therefore… Lan Xichen stood up slowly, giddy as he finally had a lead… If he could find out what Jiang Xian had done, it could point out where they had gone.

* * * * * *

It took another two months for Lan Xichen to track down everything Jiang Xian had purchased. Everything else was as he had expected. A carriage, three horses and the usual supplies - food, clothes and tools. The lack of camping tools in the list suggested Jiang Xian had already known where they were headed, meaning they had acquired a house before moving out. But to where? Then, there was one thing in the supplies that stood out: one big bag of dried lotus seeds. We Jiangs found ourselves to be attached to the sound of water, most probably as a result of being born in one. He was suddenly reminded by Jiang Zhou’s words all those months ago. It suggested the house that Jiang Wanyin acquired must be near a lake.

In the three months that he had been in this journey, Wei Wuxian had been frantically sent letters to him, asking him questions that he had yet the answers to. He could tell Wei Wuxian was anxious of his slow progress. Nevertheless, Lan Xichen still replied all the letters. But it was hard to rein in his impatience and annoyance from bleeding into his words. Wei Wuxian had wasted one whole year without really talking the core issues of their bad relationship with his brother and now he thought Lan Xichen’s three-month searching was slow? Didn’t Wei Wuxian understand the difficulty of finding a man who didn’t want to be found? Didn’t Wei Wuxian realise the near impossibility of finding information when the people around him was very protective of the man that he was looking for?

If Wei Wuxian didn't want Jiang Wanyin to go away, then maybe he should have learned to stop perpetuating the misunderstanding and just talk! 

While Lan Xichen was in the quest to find Jiang Wanyin, he also had gotten the privilege of knowing the man even more than before. He had learned of Jiang Wanyin’s heart-breaking insecurity, his intimate fear to trust, his outstanding courage in face of the series of tragedies and his unbelievable capacity to love despite it all. The knowledge made Lan Xichen felt so much closer to Jiang Wanyin and, thus, he felt so protective and possessive over the man. 

Now he finally understood why the townspeople acted the way they did. Because once you got to know Jiang Wanyin, it was so, so easy to love him.

Thus, each desperate letter from Wei Wuxian only instigated his protective instinct and subsequently, his irritation.

If only Wei Wuxian got to know his brother better, took some time to just talk to him, maybe Jiang Wanyin would not be pushed so far into the corner and did this. Jiang Wanyin deserved better than this. Didn’t Wei Wuxian know that his second life was actually the second chance to redeem himself?

But each time he felt his feelings were getting too out of control, Lan Xichen took a deep breath and stepped back. He felt too deep for a man that he barely knew three months ago. It was so irrational, and Zewu-Jun was never irrational.

Lan Xichen knew that wherever Jiang Wanyin went, he would choose a place where they were no cultivators, so, all main cultivators’ cities were out. The house that Jiang Wanyin acquired must also be near to normal villages for supplies access but also near a solitary body of water like a lake or a considerable size of pond - if Jiang Wanyin ever wanted to use the lotus seeds. Lan Xichen had also deduced Jiang Wanyin would not choose places that remind him of his past, thus, Yunmeng, Gusu and even Qishan Wen territories would also be out.

However, the outskirts of Lanling was still in Lan Xichen consideration as well as the Qinghe. Maybe the borders between two territories? Certainly not Baling nor Meishan since those places were way beyond the horse-riding distance from the hut where they had exchanged the core in the far north of Gusu, especially with Jiang Wanyin still recovering from the operation and he had no camping supplies for the long journey.  Plus, the villages along the border of Lanling and Qinghe were far enough from the main cities of Lanling and Qinghe. He also thought there were maybe a scatter few of small lakes which were perfect for lotus farm, but he would need to check first.

But he couldn’t just go to the Lanling territory without seeing the Sect Leader Jin first. It would not do if he were found wandering in the area of Lanling Jin, as the Gusu Lan sect leader, without seeing its leader – not if he wanted to keep the peace between two sects. 

It was that realisation that had Lan Xichen standing in front of Carp Tower entrance, waiting to be announced to Jin Ling.

He was escorted directly to Jin Ling's private office room. The room was Jin Guangyao’s previously; he knew that because Lan Xichen had spent hours upon hours in this room with both of his sworn brothers discussing the affairs of the cultivation world, but it seemed like Jin Ling had totally revamped the interior. Lan Xichen could not see even the slightest of Jin Guangyao's presence in this room. 

It made him strangely feel relieved and glad. 

Yes, he admitted that Jin Guangyao had such a pitiful past. But to kill his own sworn brother when Nie Mingjue had extended nothing but kindness and respect to him? Nothing and no one could excuse that kind of conduct. Not even the kindest First Jade of Gusu. Perhaps that was why he felt glad any evidence that Jin Guangyao was ever here was completely erased.  

Lan Xichen didn't even want to be reminded even the slightest of Jin Guangyao. 

Opposite him was Jin Ling, standing tall. More than a year ago, Jiang Wanyin had secured Jin Ling's position by barging into the tower with Zidian crackling in his wrist, viciously threatening the potential usurpers who had been eyeing the Sect leader position. The storm of rage that Jiang Wanyin had brought upon that day, was the talk of the month. People had been whispering all the worst things about Jiang Wanyin. And Lan Xichen had been shaking his head, silently agreeing with them. He, after all, abhorred violence.

But how foolish of him – so quick to lay his own judgement. How ignorant he was about Jiang Wanyin back then. 

Now, Lan Xichen was wearing a new lens when he was thinking and remembering about the fiery man. Now, instead of thinking that was an act of arrogance, Lan Xichen saw it as an act of protectiveness and deep abiding love for his only family member- for the son of his beloved late sister. Now, he knew that nothing could hurt even a strand of Jin Ling's hair for as long as Jiang Wanyin was there. Now, nearing to eighteen years old, Jin Ling was secured in his position and in his influence over his sect, looking every inch like a Sect Leader in his white and gold robe. There was the familiar tilt in his chin, haughty and proud and his eyes were sharp and alert. There was a sliver of ice-cold aura in his demeanour and it was being complemented by the twin silver bells that were hung on his belt, tinkling as its owner moved.

There was no doubt Jin Ling was not raised by the Jins, but rather, he was a Jiang through and through. Jiang Wanyin’s presence was clearly in Jin Ling.

"Sect Leader Jin," Lan Xichen bowed. 

"Sect Leader Lan," Jin Ling returned the greeting. "To whom do I owe for your visit today?" 

To whom? Why did that question sound like sarcasm? Lan Xichen furrowed his brows. "I- I am not sure what do you mean by that."

Jin Ling barely restrained his snort. And he went straight to the attack. "Sect Leader Lan, I am maybe young, but I am not an idiot. I have been informed about your wandering in Yunmeng Jiang, asking questions about my uncle. Now you’re here, no doubt asking for my permission to wander around Lanling doing the same thing. I don't know what you're up to or who put you up for this."

Lan Xichen was not expecting this, which was surprising in itself. Why didn’t he expect this? Jin Ling was so much like Jiang Wanyin and he had never been the one to beat around the bush. Jin Ling had crossed his arms over his broad chest - having fully outgrown his baby fat – as he waited for Lan Xichen’s answer. His dark eyes were narrowed in suspicion and those thin lips were pressed together in displeasure. 

"Was it Wei Wuxian? Was it him who put you up for this? I doubt it was Hanguang-Jun, considering his obvious aversion towards my uncle. Why couldn’t they leave him alone? Haven't they done enough?!" Jin Ling’s tone was cold as he pressed on. 

"Ah… Sect Leader Jin, I fear that you have mistaken…" 

"Just how have I mistaken the whole situation?" Jin Ling demanded. "Let me break it down to you, Zewu-Jun. My uncle had been going every two weeks to Cloud Recesses, trying to attempt reconciliation with Wei Wuxian. One day, he just suddenly stopped attempting. Then, he announced a new successor, and before I knew it, my uncle was gone! He was just up and left! And now you're trying to tell me that Wei Wuxian or Hanguang-Jun has nothing to do with it?!"

Seeing Zewu-Jun was left stupefied, Jin Ling let his fierce litany continue. "A week after my uncle left, I was informed that you began wandering around Yunmeng territory, asking questions about my uncle and Xian-ge for three months! What is your intention, Zewu-Jun? Why are you the one who is looking for them?! Why didn’t Wei Wuxian or Hanguang-Jun since all of this was clearly their doing?! Or the better question is why the hell should they care at all?!" 

In truth, Jin Ling was so livid. Three months ago, Jiang Zhou had come wearing Yunmeng Jiang Sect Leader official purple robe, his face was solemn. Jin Ling swore his heart stopped at that particular moment, thinking the worst had happened to his uncle. But when Jiang Zhou presented the letter and that small box, haltingly explaining the situation, Jin Ling was so angry that he couldn't see straight. How could jiujiu do this? What could be so bad that he resorted to leave everything behind? Leaving him behind? 

It took two days before Jin Ling could bear to look at the letter and another two days before he found the will to read it. 

Jin Ling,

I can only imagine how disappointed and how furious you are right now. For this, I can only ask for your forgiveness.

And for your understanding.

Do you know the feeling of being drowned? It's the feeling that no matter how much you pushed upward to break through the surface, there will never be enough air. That everywhere you turn, the water swallows and consumes you as it waits for you to stop struggling.

I want you to know that is what I feel all my life. I’ve been drowning all my life and you have been my lifeline. You have always been the one that had kept me from being completely submerged.

But I also know that you eventually have your own life to live. You have so much to strive for and a long, bright future to go to. I have raised you to be brave and strong so you can meet all the challenges head-on. You don't need me pulling you down. I don’t want to keep on pulling you down. You cannot be my lifeline forever.

And so, I am pulling myself out of the water, even though I have lived my whole life in it. The only way for me to stop drowning is to stop being in the water.

Lotus Pier is the water. Cultivation world is the water. And as much it pains me to admit, Wei Wuxian is also the water.

But never you, Jin Ling. Never, ever you.

You are my greatest pride, my proudest achievement and the lifeline that had saved my life.

I am and will forever be proud of the all paths that you have taken and will take in the future.

And if fate is ever kind to me, I will see you again.

Your jiujiu,

Jiang Wanyin.

How he had cried that day. The words in that paper cut through him like the sharpest knife. He cried for himself and even more so, for his uncle. And when the box revealed his uncle's silver bell, he cried even harder. The silver bell told him of his uncle's resolve to be excluded from Jiang Sect and his vow to stay away from cultivation world. When he gave the bell to Jin Ling, he was telling him to keep his only connection to Jiang Sect safe, until, if ever, he was ready to come home again.

His heart ached terribly at the pain woven in between the written words. Jiang Wanyin's honest, painful words took all of Jin Ling anger away and left him hollow. He shed all the tears for his uncle who had gone through so much and yet still loved him with such intensity that Jin Ling felt secured throughout his childhood and he was never left wanting for anything else. He cried for his uncle who had fought his own grief and pushed all his feelings aside because everything else needed his attention – his sect, his people and his nephew.

Oh, how he wanted to go and find his jiujiu. This time, he wanted to run to him not to seek protection but to offer his own to Jiang Wanyin. He wanted to hold him so tight in his embrace and tell him that even if they lived up to hundreds of years, he would still be willing to be his lifeline. It wasn’t even needed to be asked for it would always be given freely.

Because that was what family did.

But he was also a Sect Leader. How could he be up and simply be gone, after Jiang Wanyin had gone through all the trouble to secure his legacy?  

No… he slowly decided after a whole day crying as his whole world was breaking. No, he couldn’t leave his sect. Jiujiu had promised to see him again.

Now, watching the esteemed Zewu-Jun wearing his stunned face at his sudden attack, Jin Ling felt a vindictive self-satisfaction. Oh, the feeling was going to be even sweeter when he lay it all down even harder and harsher to Wei Wuxian and Hanguang-Jun. To hell with the fact that Hanguang-Jun was one of the top cultivators. Jin Ling was going to make them rue the day they hurt his jiujiu.

“Sect Leader Jin,” Lan Xichen tried again. He wasn’t prepared of how much alike Jin Ling was to Jiang Wanyin when he was furious. With a gentle voice, he said, “It seems like you already know of my intention to ask for your permission to travel all over Lanling. And you also seem to be aware of the purpose of my quest. Will you allow it?”

“Hurmphh!” Jin Ling scowled deeper. “And why will I ever allow any Gusu Lan cultivator to wander in my land, when their leaders have committed grave offense against my family? Just as Hanguang-Jun hates my family, am I not allowed to return the favour?!”

“It is so I can attempt to rectify the situation,” Lan Xichen answered softly.

Somehow, the answer seemed to anger Jin Ling even further. “You wish to rectify the situation?!” Jin Ling retorted. “Do you even know the depth of my uncle’s pain? Do you think mere words from the esteemed First Jade of Gusu are going to be enough to heal the wounds he carried all his life and the wound that Wei Wuxian and Hanguang-Jun inflicted?”

Jin Ling took one aggressive step towards Lan Xichen, uncaring of their height difference. Fire of fury had consumed the younger man. “Do you even know who Jiang Wanyin is, Zewu-Jun? Do you even care? He is not some common problem that you think you can easily SOLVE!”

The insinuation that Lan Xichen didn’t know, didn’t care about Jiang Wanyin seemed to trigger Lan Xichen into one of his rare anger. “I know that, Jin Ling,” Lan Xichen snapped as he brought his height to the fullest. “I know I didn’t have the slightest of the clue about who Jiang Wanyin is before. I admit that in my preoccupation with my own Venerated Triad that I had fallen into the same common perception of Sandu Shengshou. But it isn’t like that anymore. For three months, I have been doing nothing but trying to understand Jiang Wanyin.”

“Prove it!” Jin Ling roared. Tears of frustration pooled in his dark eyes. “Prove it to me that you know him! That he is more than just an obligation that you need to fulfil on behalf of Wei Wuxian and Hanguang-Jun because I know they are the reason that you are standing in front of me today! Prove to me that my uncle is more than just another passing problem you need to solve! Don't go to him if all you wanted to do is to assuage Wei Wuxian and Hanguang-Jun's guilt!”    

Chest heaving and face red, Jin Ling was suddenly out of rage and left with utter pain. He staggered a step back in exhaustion. It wasn’t Zewu-Jun whom he wanted to lay his fury on. It was Wei Wuxian and Hanguang-Jun. He ran a tired hand across his face – he missed his uncle like a black gaping void. “If you are going do a half-hearted attempt, then, don't do it at all. Just let him be… My uncle doesn’t need to be proven any further that he is always just an afterthought to people."

Lan Xichen's heart was broken into pieces at that pleading as his own amber eyes burned by the unshed tears. He wondered how often Jiang Wanyin's need had been overlooked in favour of Wei Wuxian. Had anybody even looked at him without shadows of his sworn brother looming over him? Even when Lan Xichen was coming for Jiang Wanyin, Jin Ling had thought it was because of Wei Wuxian. Oh, how Lan Xichen's heart bled for Jiang Wanyin. 

The need to protect Jiang Wanyin intensified once again and it left him nearly breathless. It had been happening too often as of late. And the intensity of his feelings had urged Lan Xichen to go and find Jiang Wanyin quicker. Lan Xichen didn’t understand why he felt the way he did, but, he still took a deep breath to try to distance his heart and self from feeling too much for Jiang Wanyin. 

But it was getting difficult. Jiang Wanyin was burrowing into his heart so effortlessly and the man wasn't even here.

"Jin Ling," Lan Xichen said hoarsely; his heart was too heavy. "When you were two years old, you developed a habit of trying to grab loose hair and if you couldn't get it you would wail for hours. The habit went on for four months. During those time, Jiang Wanyin had let his braid down just so you could grab it while he was holding you."

Jin Ling looked at Lan Xichen in surprise at the sudden change of tune. 

"When you were ten, you got into a huge fight with Jiang Xian because you felt Jiang Wanyin favour him over you, but Jiang Wanyin had then, hugged you and he slipped Zidian onto your wrist so that the spiritual weapon will recognise you as part of him. You were so happy that day because you knew Jiang Wanyin sharing Zidian meant he trusted and loved you the most. And then, when you were twelve, your grandfather wanted you to live fulltime in the Carp Tower. But you had flown back to Yunmeng Jiang in refusal because unlike the opulence in that place, nothing made you feel safer than being where your uncle was. Because Jiang Wanyin would never let anybody take you away from him, not without a fight."

"What...why are you--how do you know all this?" Jin Ling stammered. 

“People saw your uncle as harsh and cold towards you, but you know better, don’t you? You know all the threats that he spouted about breaking your legs were just words because he had never laid a finger on you all this life. He raised you so well to the point you feel so secure in his affection to you that you do not feel any need to hide anything from him. Either about your emotions and your problems – you took it all to him without fear of being turned away. Jiang Wanyin had so much love to give and he showered it all on you and all the orphan children that he fostered.”

“You- you knew about the orphanage?” Jin Ling’s eyes were wide. He had such a happy childhood most due to the times he spent amongst the children in the orphanage. While his uncle provided security, the children – Jiang Xian – provided companionship. “How did you find out?” 

“I know,” Lan Xichen interrupted. “I know second-hand tales are not the best way to get to know someone. But I also think second-hand tales from the people who are the closest to Jiang Wanyin are perhaps the most honest assessment. You may think that I am still a stranger when it comes to Jiang Wanyin but please be assured that I am not. I will never hurt him,” he was practically begging now but Lan Xichen didn’t care. “I will never hurt him like the previous ones had hurt him – with their words and their deeds and their promises.”

Lan Xichen took several closer towards Jin Ling. His amber eyes were like liquid gold as his pent-up emotions that he accumulated over three months, came up frothing. "Whatever you think of my reasons for doing this, let me assure you again that this is not because of Lan Wangji's request or because of Wei Wuxian's guilt. This is me, standing in front of you, asking for your permission to wander in your land so that I can look for Jiang Wanyin because I want- no, because I need to. I need to find Jiang Wanyin because right now, I just couldn't bear the thought of him in someplace that I don't know. I- I just need him to be safe." Lan Xichen was deeply flustered as if he, himself, didn't understand how he was feeling. "I need him to know that he is no longer alone. By the heavens, Jin Ling, he has been so lonely and I want- I can, I mean- I will take the loneliness away, if he allowed me to."

Jin Ling's mouth was dropped open in utter surprise at the sight in front of him. Zewu-Jun was literally asking for his permission to make his uncle happy. By now, all his rage and sadness were all gone at the sight of the perpetually unshakeable and serene Zewu-Jun was left so unhinged because of his uncle. The unflappable Zewu-Jun was flustered and desperate.

It was as if Zewu-Jun was asking his permission, as Jiang Wanyin's only family member, to court him. 

Which was absurd, right?! Because for as long as he lived, not once had he heard anybody was interested in Jiang Wanyin! It got to the point Jin Ling had resigned to the fact his uncle would probably never marry. Not to mention the way Jiang Wanyin kept pushing people away, swinging Zidian for anyone who even dared to come close. Jiang Zhou said Jiang Wanyin was too much like his grandmother, Madam Yu, in that sense. Using Zidian to scare people away – who in the world did that?  

But what if he was wrong? Jin Ling swallowed hard. Could it be that after talking to people that really knew his uncle, Zewu-Jun was actually feeling something for Jiang Wanyin? The real Jiang Wanyin - the one that his uncle had been hiding under the Sandu Shengshou persona.

Something akin to hope bloomed in Jin Ling's heart. He had always known if someone had taken the slightest effort to know Jiang Wanyin, he or she would find how easy it was to love him. And it seemed his intuition was correct – maybe - argh, he simply didn't know. 

The only he could do now was to grant Zewu-Jun the permission and let the fate play its tune. And if Zewu-Jun came back bearing the mark of Zidian for daring to come close to his uncle, well, at least Jin Ling knew Zewu-Jun could handle it.

And… Who knew? Maybe Jiang Wanyin would prove to be receptive towards Zewu-Jun’s advances and persuasion. Maybe he could heal Zewu-Jun just as much Zewu-Jun could provide his own. And how was that not a good thing? 

"Sect Leader Lan, I will allow you to do as you wish in my land to find Jiang Wanyin," Jin Ling spoke up confidently after much consideration. Zewu-Jun raised his head as a radiant, relief smile appeared on his handsome face. "But! But you must promise me one thing," Jin Ling quickly added. 

"What is it, Sect Leader Jin?" 

"If you ever found him, and he still refuses to come home even after much persuasion, you need to promise me that you will let him be."

Zewu-Jun frowned. He clearly didn't like that. But Jin Ling didn't want to force his uncle to do anything that he didn't want anymore. As much as Jin Ling wanted him to come home to his family so that they could find a way together, Jiang Wanyin also deserved the peace that he desperately sought for. Therefore, if his uncle thought he could find the solace in his self-exile, Jin Ling would respect that. 

"Promise me, Zewu-Jun!" Jin Ling demanded. 

"I- I promise, Sect Leader Jin." 

"Good."

* * * * * *

It took Lan Xichen another month and a half of wandering along the border of Lanling and Qinghe, spending a few days for each small town that he had encountered. Each time his hope was raised and then, cruelly squashed when the townspeople of the villages didn't have any information about Jiang Wanyin. 

Lan Xichen was road weary. He was anxious and impatient and fretting. Days passed without him finding any clue and then, weeks also passed. As the time went by, the insistence of urgency that was gnawing his heart was getting bigger for each village that he didn't find Jiang Wanyin. He knew he would not and could not rest until he found him.

He didn't understand why he was feeling like this. This restlessness couldn't be curbed no matter how much he meditated. He was so emotionally attached to Jiang Wanyin and by now, he no longer bothered trying to distance his heart. 

He had been so used to negative answers to his enquiries that one day, when one of the townspeople said, "Sure, I know the boy that you're talking about. More than six feet, broad shoulders and lives at the outskirts of the town, right? That's Jiang Xian, alright," Lan Xichen had nearly missed it and walked away. 

His heart suddenly quickened as he twisted back towards the man. "You've seen him? You've seen Jiang Xian?" 

"Yes, the boy came by thrice a week to buy supplies and to sell lotus seeds. I tried to welcome him, but he seemed very reclusive. But I don’t think he meant any harm. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought he was a cultivator, you know, judging by his manners and by the way he talks. Silly, right? There’s no way any cultivator would have the right mind to settle in this remote village!” The man laughed.

“Do you know where he lives?”

“I don’t know the exact location, but Jiang Xian always came from the east – from the area of the lake by the hill. That place was without an owner for so long because of its distance from the village, but I guess Jiang Xian bought it to plant the lotuses. I think he lives around that area.”

With a hasty thanks, Lan Xichen took off to the direction. He didn’t mount Shuoyue – he didn’t want to miss it. At first, he walked and then, he jogged – anticipation bubbling within him, his heart pounding and his face flushed in excitement. Lan Xichen could feel his own golden core flared bright as if it was anticipating too. Before he knew it, his light jogs broke into a frantic run.

If anybody told him almost five months ago that Lan Xichen would be this frantic to find Jiang Wanyin, he wouldn’t believe them because five months ago, he was in seclusion. His heart had been broken and his trust had been shredded by Jin Guangyao’s betrayal. His betrayal had cut so deep that Lan Xichen knew his trust in people had been shattered. It took a year of self-reflection for him to sift through the grief and anger and regrets, and clawed himself out from the pit of despair. When he started this journey to find Jiang Wanyin, he had been left hollowed and jaded and frozen and all he wanted to do was to assist his brother. Nothing more, nothing less. 

And then, he got to know Jiang Wanyin, and everything changed.

The heart that he had thought previously to be frozen was being brought back to life. Even without being here, Jiang Wanyin had made him sad, happy, intrigue, angry and furious on his behalf. Lan Xichen’s heart had melted at the way Jiang Wanyin took care of the orphans; his heart had ached at the way he borne the tragedies in his life; his heart had been furious at the way Jiang Wanyin had been betrayed and hurt and disregarded by his family who should have been supporting and love him; his heart bled at the way Jiang Wanyin shied from people, using rage to hide himself away so he couldn’t be hurt anymore; and most of all, Lan Xichen marvelled at the way his own heart felt so – oh heavens, very much so - protective over the man who had been thrown into the inferno and still found a way to crawl his way back.

The need to protect Jiang Wanyin, to shelter him with his own two hands, to pull him close so Jiang Wanyin would use Lan Xichen, instead of his rage, to shield himself against the world, was too overwhelming that Lan Xichen knew he would never take an easy breath again. Not until he saw Jiang Wanyin with his own eyes.

His frantic steps slowed down when he was nearing to a man-made clearing. Lan Xichen walked silently, allowing his sight to take its time to take in the surroundings.

There was a sizable pond nestled between the foot of the hill and the edge of the forest. About twenty feet away from the lake was a charming, little house with a small stable next to the house to shelter the three horses. Right now, there was only one horse left and no carriage parked anywhere. Lan Xichen’s eyes trailed along the well-trodden path from the house to the pond. And his eyes halted at the edge of the water. There was a sturdy pier that spanned all the way to the middle of the pond. Lotuses swayed in tandem with the soft wind as they seemed to cradle the pier.

Something white and lime at the edge of the pier caught Lan Xichen’s attention. His heart stuttered into a stop before quickening. His throat went dry. His hands were trembling. Lan Xichen let his feet move unconsciously as if they were spellbound to get him closer to the figure.

Lan Xichen stood at one end of the pier, staring unblinkingly to the figure who was sitting at the other edge of the pier, his feet swayed in the water. From behind, Lan Xichen took in the way the white and lime robe was spread around the figure as its edges dipped into the water. He took in the way the usually bound hair was let down in its own untamed pattern, like liquid black ink spilling over his shoulders and downwards to his waist, with only a small matching lime ribbon to carelessly hold the tresses out of his face. Lan Xichen had been imagining Jiang Wanyin in his severe bun, scowling face and heavy robe during his time of searching, that the unexpected sight of Jiang Wanyin looking this… carefree, took his breath away.

He breathed in the air shakily as if he just remembered to breathe. He felt his heart bloom and expand. He felt fireworks spark within himself. Surrounded by the lotus flowers and the water that he loved so much, Jiang Wanyin was the image of beckoning water spirit – wild and hauntingly beautiful.

Lan Xichen walked along the pier, taking a few more steps closer towards him. His feet were silent on the wooden planks. When he was close enough, he whispered the figure’s name.

“Jiang Wanyin…”

The reaction was immediate. Jiang Wanyin twisted his body around, eyes wide and mouth dropped open in utter, utter shock. It was then, Lan Xichen realised he had missed those bright violet eyes. He had missed that beautiful face.

He had missed Jiang Wanyin.

Oh… Lan Xichen breathed in the epiphany. Suddenly, all those intense feelings that he had felt during this quest and had failingly tried to distance, were made crystal clear.

Now he knew why.

I have fallen in love with him…

* * * * * *

Chapter Text

It could be because they hadn’t met ever since that fateful day at Guanyin Temple but to Lan Xichen’s eyes, Jiang Wanyin seemed smaller without the bulk of the heavy robe that he always wore. With his midnight hair spilled over his shoulders and his back and unruly bangs framed his sharp face, Lan Xichen thought that his complexion looked two shades paler than he remembered. Plus, did Jiang Wanyin lose some weight (not that he could afford to before all this happened)? The white and lime robe that he wore only accentuated the fragility in him. 

Sandu Shengshou in his mind for the last five months had been imposing with an attitude larger-than-life. Jiang Wanyin in front of him was released from any cultivation world’s expectations and thus, he looked unburdened and informal - Lan Xichen had never seen Jiang Wanyin like this. 

"Ze- Zewu-Jun?" Jiang Wanyin stammered and some of the heaviness in Lan Xichen’s heart lightened at the sound of that deep voice that he had not heard for over a year. Disbelief was clearly in those big, amethyst eyes. He was flummoxed, flabbergasted and stunned stupid by this utterly unexpected visitation. It took a full minute for Jiang Wanyin to stop being shocked before he regathered his composition. Scrambling on his feet, he drew his full height up and then, he narrowed his eyes. "What the hell are you doing here?!"

Ah… Lan Xichen thought fondly. The infamous temper. He was glad that the appearance of fragility didn’t take away the fiery personality. 

"How did you even find me?!" 

Lan Xichen wanted to gather Jiang Wanyin into his arms and never let him go, now that he had found him, but instead, he clasped his own hands together and bowed in respect as if the slighter man in front of him was still a Sect Leader. "Jiang Wanyin, I have been looking for you."

Hands akimbo, the scowl on his face carved deeper. "Why?" 

"What do you mean why? You've just vanished for five months without trace, leaving the cultivation world without any reason. Of course people are looking for you."

"People don't look for me, Sect Leader Lan," Jiang Wanyin scoffed. "The cultivation world celebrates my retirement because they don't have to tolerate my social ineptness any longer. Yunmeng Jiang Sect will be in much better hands of Jiang Zhou since he's better in this sort of thing compared to me. So, tell me the truth," he demanded. 

Lan Xichen had heard these kinds of words fallen from Jiang Wanyin for many years - sarcastic, and scornful, but this was the first time he saw it as it was - self-deprecating. This was Jiang Wanyin when he couldn’t believe any sort of affection was aiming towards him. Insecure and attempting to deflect it with his barbs. And Lan Xichen couldn’t believe he had missed this all those times. “Alright. I’ll tell you the truth.” Because, if there was one thing he learned from Jiang Zhou was that Jiang Wanyin hated obfuscation of any kind. If Jiang Wanyin felt somebody lie to him, the walls around him would be erected instantly.

Jiang Wanyin quirked his eyebrows, waiting.

“The note that you left for Wei Wuxian has prompted him to go searching for you, but I convinced them that it should be me instead. I have guessed that you will not appreciate seeing Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji here, not after what they had said.”

Jiang Wanyin’s eyes went big in shock. “Why? Why would he want to go searching for me? I have told him explicitly that there is no more debt between us. I told him to go and have an everlasting happy life! What more could he want from me?!” Flushes of anger painted those pale cheeks. “And you!” Jiang Wanyin directed his anger towards the taller man. “Why would you want to even come after me? And what do you mean ‘after what they had said’? Did Hanguang-Jun blab everything to you?!”

Lan Xichen blinked at bursts of anger from the former sect leader. Now he knew where Jin Ling got his method of relentless, raging questions. The feeling of dejavu swept through him and instead of being flustered by Jiang Wanyin’s rage, something akin to adoration emerged within him. The similarity was uncanny. “You can’t possibly think Wei Wuxian will let things go, do you? And yes, Lan Wangji has told me everything.”

If anything, Jiang Wanyin’s rage intensified. “Everything? Are you sure?! Did he tell you that he thinks I should be left rotting in the streets of Yiling? Did he tell you that I should be grateful for Wei Wuxian? Did he? And if you think Wei Wuxian cannot let go of things, you’re sorely mistaken, Zewu-Jun! He did let go of many things; the ones that he deemed unimportant to him!” For five months Jiang Wanyin was in the state of languid. He managed to not think of his rage and sadness and regrets. He was somewhat in the state of happy. He kept his toxic thoughts at bay by building the pier and planting the lotuses. Last month he harvested the lotus seeds and roots for the first time from the first batch and he was so proud of himself. It was wet, muddy and humid but he was happy. Well, as happy as he could ever be with the demons in his head. And all of that was gone in the instant he saw Zewu-Jun in front of him. 

A reminder of the life that he had left behind.

A reminder of the previous life that was killing him.

A reminder of the sworn brother that had hurt and betrayed him over and over again.

The sudden rush of anger made his head light-headed. The sudden flooding of long-avoided sorrow made his heart pulse painfully. The feeling of drowning came back and he felt the familiar suffocating effect in his heart. Jiang Wanyin swayed as he took a step back - precariously close to the edge of the pier. He wasn’t ready to face his former life and he might never be. And Zewu-Jun’s totally unexpected appearance in his new life was the ultimate shock.

Lan Xichen was startled at the vehement words thrown at him before the words sank in. He couldn’t believe his quiet brother said those words. Oh, Wangji… He thought angrily. You have the sharpest tongue and the most insensitive heart when it comes to the person you hate. I ought to whip you myself for those words you’ve said to Jiang Wanyin. No wonder Jiang Wanyin had been pushed to the edge. No wonder his brother had been desperate to ask him to end his seclusion. The final straw that broke the camel’s back was indeed heavy. 

Eventually he realised in alarm at the way Jiang Wanyin’s pale had gone impossibly paler. Lan Xichen’s heart stuttered when the man staggered a step back like he was about to faint. Before he could open his mouth, a clear shout came from behind him.

“Jiang-laoshi!” 

And before he knew it, a tall youth came barging past him and quickly grabbed Jiang Wanyin before the man could fall into the water. He pushed his teacher behind him, hiding him behind his broad shoulder while glaring at Lan Xichen. “Zewu-Jun,” he growled. “We weren’t expecting you.” But the tone sounded like a warning. When he felt Jiang Wanyin lean his forehead on his back, clearly trying to get back his bearing, the protectiveness in him flared. His teacher was not the one to rely on people and if he allowed him to shield him like this, he was seriously rattled. And it made him angry.

Lan Xichen raised his hands in surrender motion. The youth in front of him was only an inch shorter than him but had shoulders as broad as him as if the boy had spent twenty years cultivating his skills. But despite the deep growl and fierce expression, he lacked the sharp jaws and defined cheekbones that marked the descendants of Jiangs like Jiang Wanyin and Jiang Zhou. There were soft lines that curved his chin and cheeks, accentuating the gentleness that Lan Xichen kept hearing about. The gentle Jiang. “My deepest apology,” Lan Xichen said remorsely. “You must be Jiang Xian.”

Jiang Xian frowned when Zewu-Jun recognised him, but he couldn’t spare any more attention to him, not when his teacher required his. Without answering Sect Leader Lan, he turned around to whisper something to Jiang Wanyin and then, he pulled his teacher closer to his side and guided him towards the small house. A glimpse of Jiang Wanyin’s white face caused Lan Xichen’s heart to tighten with worry. 

His appearance had rattled the man. As much as he wanted to go after them and apologised, he had no other choice but to wait. So, he sat on a boulder situated between the pier and the house and meditated.   

In the house, Jiang Xian pushed Jiang Wanyin down on a chair, leaving him alone to gather his shattered composure, while he went into the kitchen to brew tea. He knew how much his teacher hated fussing. Ten minutes later, he came out from the kitchen with the steaming cups of tea. He was relieved to see colours had crept back to his face and Jiang Wanyin seemed to have gotten back his bearing. Jiang Xian placed down the tray and pulled another chair to sit in front of Jiang Wanyin. Then, he waited. For as long as he knew his teacher, Jiang Wanyin would respond better if he was given time to calm and rearrange the chaos in his mind.

“I’m sorry you have to see that, A-Xian,” Jiang Wanyin said softly, worn and tired. 

Jiang Xian shook his head softly. “I’ve seen worse. You’ve forgotten that I was the one who cared for you after the operation. Now that was the scariest period of my life.”

Jiang Wanyin chuckled. “I’ve apologised once for that already. You’re not getting another one.”

Jiang Xian smiled widely, happy to be able to coax a smile from Jiang Wanyin despite the shock from today. Silently, he cursed Zewu-Jun for showing up here in their little sanctuary because Jiang Wanyin wasn’t ready to face the world - specifically anyone from the cultivation world. Now that Zewu-Jun knew where they were, Jiang Xian wasn’t surprised at the blooming panic attack that his teacher almost showed to Zewu-Jun; soon there would be other people coming in, demanding and expecting things from Jiang Wanyin. Be it Jiang Sect elders or worse, Wei Wuxian. His teacher’s former sworn brother had never known when to really back off - pushing and teasing and hurting and then, joking about all of it - uncared if his untamed ways hurt the people closest to him. Jiang Xian ached to keep him hidden but now, the world was catching up on him. They spent another quiet ten minutes, sipping the tea.

"So…" Jiang Xian started delicately. " Zewu-Jun, huh? Out of all people that I thought would eventually find us, he is not one of them."

Jiang Wanyin sneered half-heartedly. "Zewu-Jun is here not on his own. Apparently, Wei Wuxian 'cannot let go of things'" he mocked. "and he recruited Zewu-Jun to look for me. Though I am surprised that he complied."

"But wasn't Zewu-Jun in seclusion when we went away? Why would he break it for the sake of Wei Wuxian?" 

"If Wei Wuxian wanted it, Hanguang-Jun would make it happen." Jiang Wanyin rubbed his temple tiredly. "And there's nothing Zewu-Jun wouldn't do for his brother."

"But why?" Jiang Xian pressed on. "It's not like you gave away your core; the core was his after all. Why would he still care to find you?"

Jiang Wanyin recalled the horror of telling Jiang Xian about how the core wasn't his. It almost rivalled that accursed night at the Lotus Pier and then, at the temple, when Jin Ling realised that Wei Wuxian gave away his core and Wen Ning had told him that he should be fucking grateful. Jiang Xian had been horrified, of course, but not once had the youth insinuated to Jiang Wanyin what he should feel. He took the news in strides and immediately got to the task of finding capable healers that could help him return the core back to Wei Wuxian. 

Only, Jiang Xian didn’t expect the process of returning the core would be excruciating and gruesome. The gentle junior cultivator had been in near tears and simmering anger all the times he was caring for him while he was incapacitated. To think that he wanted to do this alone? Without Jiang Xian, he would indeed be ‘rotting in the streets’ just like Hanguang-Jun would have wanted.   

“I don’t know. In the past, he didn’t usually respond to my pleading and often went about his own way. I don’t know why this time he even cares to find me.” Pleading to come back to their home - from Hanguang-Jun, from the demonic cultivation, from the Wens, from Mound Burials - but Wei Wuxian never even once heeded. He had thought that he had given up chasing after Wei Wuxian until after the incident at Guanyin Temple where Jiang Wanyin found himself pleading once again by going to Cloud Recesses every two weeks. Pleading for Wei Wuxian to mend their broken relationship.

By the heavens, how hurt it felt to be so dependent on someone only to have that someone to not feel the same. 

He should never have done that. After that Guanyin Temple incident, he should have left their relationship at the single ‘I’m sorry’ and never looked back. But he didn’t, and it burned him down to the ashes irrevocably. However after that, Jiang Wanyin knew better. He knew that all this time, from when they were children until now, he had been chasing after Wei Wuxian because he loved him. But Wei Wuxian never shared the same depth of his love for him. It took him nearly thirty years to realise that in his family, Jiang Wanyin had always been the one needing his parents and his siblings more than they had needed him. 

Therefore, this time, he had learned how to give up this love. He gave back the last link that connected both of them. He had freed Wei Wuxian from him, and he had freed himself from Wei Wuxian. They owed each nothing - not as brothers, not as friends and not even as someone who had helped him.

“Maybe Wei Wuxian and Hanguang-Jun feel guilty…” Jiang Xian offered. 

If any, the thought that guilt was the motivator for Wei Wuxian to come and find him hurt his heart even more. Apparently, the only other emotion Wei Wuxian was capable of feeling for him, aside for returning the favour, was feeling guilty. Am I really that unlovable? Jiang Wanyin’s heart hurt.   

Jiang Xian was flustered at the pain that graced across Jiang Wanyin’s face, knowing for a fact something he said had hurt him but didn’t know the exact reason why. Jiang Xian hastily spoke up again, desperate for a change in topic. “Jiang-laoshi, I’ve received another letter from Huang-yisheng when I went to the town.”

It had the wanted effect as Jiang Wanyin forgot the pain as he groaned in frustration. Jiang Xian knew how to navigate around that one.  “Oh come on. Not again!”

“Jiang-laoshi! This is serious! Your core is not working as it should be. Not only transferring my energy was not enough, you won’t allow me to help you beyond that! Huang-yisheng said if your body rejected the core, you could lose your life!” The distress on Jiang Xian’s face was evident. Clearly the recent letter from the healer that transplanted the core was riddled with bad news. “He told me that you need to go use the core as active as if you went for night-hunting in order to allow the core to work. Just receiving the energy influx is not enough, you need to exert your core as well.”

“My core is weak, Jiang Xian. I can barely use Sandu, let alone wielding Zidian. My cultivation is not going to happen, not with my core being as useless as it is right now. How do you propose we go night-hunting together when I cannot protect you if something attacked you? You’re a junior cultivator. You need somebody senior to watch over you and I can’t be that person!” 

Frustration welled within Jiang Xian. Everything Jiang-laoshi said was true, but he refused to think that there was no alternative for this. “But look at you! You’re pale, you’re losing weight, you’re tired all the time and last night, you rejected my energy!”

“It wasn’t me,” Jiang Wanyin interrupted. “It was the damn core that rejected you.”

Jiang Xian gave him a withering look. “It is because it requires a way out. Every influx needs an outlet. That’s why Huang-yisheng told you to go night-hunting.”

“Tell me again, why can’t I just swing Sandu until I passed out?” Jiang Wanyin asked drily.

“Because a mere practice will not be aggressive enough to circulate the qi within the core at the pace that we want! Huang-yisheng had explained this all to you in one of his long letters. The only activity that could do that is night-hunting, which I told you I can help you with!” Jiang Xian was this close to shaking his stubborn teacher.  

“Which I also told you that I will not allow. If you think I’m willing to compromise your safety just for the sake of my defective core, then you clearly weren't raised by me.” Jiang Wanyin retorted as he took another sip of his tea, his jaw rippled as he clenched his jaws. 

Jiang Xian stood up and began to pace - a habit that he knew drove Jiang Wanyin crazy. Not that he could help it. He was nervous and scared about losing his benefactor and those feelings made him pace. 

Jiang Wanyin rolled his eyes when he saw Jiang Xian go back and forth like a nervous wreck that he was. “How many times do I need to tell you. Do not pace-”

“I’ve got it!” Jiang Xian jumped. Jiang Wanyin scowled at the interruption. There was this wide smile and the glint in those grey eyes that Jiang Wanyin decided he didn’t like. 

"What?" Jiang Wanyin demanded. 

"You said you will only go night-hunting with someone of senior level. Well, we have one!” Jiang Xian raised his hand to point out at the door. “He is not only a senior level cultivator, but he is also one of the top cultivators that could wield two spiritual weapons, just like you laoshi! He could-”

Jiang Wanyin stood up. “Stop, stop it! That has got to be the stupidest alternative ever. Do you even hear yourself? Asking Zewu-Jun - Zewu-Jun, of all people! - to go night-hunting with me!” Even in the midst of frowning and scowling, Jiang Xian could still see the self-doubt leaking through. 

Jiang Xian crossed his arms over his chest, cheeks slightly puffed in the show of frustration but only looked pouty. “It’s not stupid! It’s only rational. I can’t help you because I’m still a junior level cultivator. Zewu-Jun is not. Ergo, he should help you.”    

“A-Xian, Huang-yisheng said it must be done continuously for at least three months. It means, Zewu-Jun will have to stay here for three months. He cannot do that! He has a sect to run and a cultivation world to be concerned with. How can we ask him to stay with us in this remote place for three months?” Jiang Wanyin snapped. “It’s not like him and I are that close to begin with. We are at best an acquaintance.”

“But there is no one else here. We have no one else to ask for help. You are adamant not to message Ling-di and I have been respectful of that. But Jiang-laoshi,” Jiang Xian was wearing one of those sad faces that made his grey eyes turn into liquid. “You’re not well. You’re- you’re sick. The core is making you sick. It needs an outlet and I can’t give that. But Zewu-Jun can. He can help you with this. Please ask him!”

Damn it, Jiang Wanyin thought. Just as he couldn’t stay mad at Jin Ling, he was weak against Jiang Xian’s sad eyes. But he couldn’t do it. There were times when he couldn’t even ask for Jiang Zhou’s help and the older man had been the one who knew him the best. How could he ask for Zewu-Jun’s assistance? It was unthinkable. “Jiang Xian, I... “ He sighed as he rubbed his face with his hands. The fatigue that he had constantly felt was one of the effects his core brought him. “...I don’t think I can do that to him. Zewu-Jun cannot help but to assist if he were asked. But three months are too long for any sect leader to be away from his sect and he is here just to find out where I am, as a favour for his brother and his husband. He must be anxious to get back to Cloud Recesses.”

“How can you know that?! You haven’t even asked him.” 

“A-Xian, I don’t have to ask. I just knew it.” And he refused to owe another fucking debt to another person. He could barely afford the last one. It almost cost his life.

“Ask him, laoshi.” Jiang Xian said stubbornly. The last five months of watching his benefactor wasting away in front of his eyes was more than he could take. It wasn’t Jiang Wanyin who had to watch every tremor that racked his body, every pain flitted through his expression when he tried to use his core, or watch him losing his weight, the color on his face and the vibrancy in his movement. Jiang Wanyin’s pride could never overcome Jiang Xian’s love for him. He would make him ask Zewu-Jun.

“No!” Jiang Wanyin frowned.

“Ask him, please.”

“What are you? Six? No means no, A-Xian!” Jiang Wanyin tried to walk past Jiang Xian and out of this house. Just as he tried to open the door, Jiang Wanyin was halted in shock when he heard a soft, desperate voice behind him. 

“Please, fuqin.”

Fuqin… Jiang Wanyin eyes were wide, and his mouth dropped open. Jiang Xian had never called him that. Teacher, sect leader and master were the usual titles but father? Had Jiang Xian always regarded him like that? Suddenly, there was something warm and heavy in his heart and he felt his eyes were wet. He slowly turned away from the door and looked at Jiang Xian with such wonder. “...What did you call me?”

Jiang Xian took several tentative steps closer to the older man, wary of what reaction would be, but never fear. For as long as he was with him, he had never felt fear with his father. “Fuqin… I called you fuqin.” The hoarse tone in his voice belied his confidence. “Was- was I wrong to regard you as such?”

Jiang Wanyin shook his head slowly, still in disbelief and his eyes were still big and wet. “We’re only 14 years apart… I’m too young to be your fuqin.” he laughed tearily. 

“You took care of me when I lost everything. You raised me, taught me the way of Jiang, the right and the wrong. You taught me to be who I am today. I am the way I am because of you.” Jiang Xian took Jiang Wanyin’s hands, his soft grey eyes shone with love. “Are you not my father? Am I not your son?”

“Ridiculous!” Jiang Wanyin scoffed but he didn’t take away his hand and there was a shadow of a bashful smile that he tried to hide but failed. “What kind of a son who towers over his father and pushes him around to suit his demands?”

Jiang Xian pulled him close into a hug, proving Jiang Wanyin’s point by practically smothering him with his huge bulk. And, the marvel of all marvels, Jiang Wanyin let him. He didn’t push him away, hiding behind his scowl and rage. Instead, he raised his hands to return the embrace. Oh, how he wanted to do this all his life. To call this man as his own father because that was who he was all along. “If you would allow me to bully you just this once, please, please ask Zewu-Jun. I can’t lose you, fuqin, especially not to a sickness that can be cured.”

Jiang Wanyin rolled his eyes in exasperation. For someone who had been raised by him, it always surprised him how unlike him Jiang Xian was. He was rarely brash, rarely frowned, cursed and snapped - the smile on his face outlined the gentleness on his face and manner. How had Jiang Xian turned like this was a mystery to him. Especially when Jin Ling turned out too similar to him. “I told you, Zewu-Jun is too busy for this, but, if it’ll make you happy, fine, I’ll ask him.”

The blinding smile Jiang Xian gave was enough to tear down the last of pride.

To hell with his pride anyway. Not when his son was asking him.

* * * * * *

When Jiang Wanyin stepped out of the house, he was half-expecting Zewu-Jun to be gone by now, so he was surprised to see the man was meditating on the boulder. Now that he felt a bit centred and a bit calm after the talk with Jiang Xian, he could feel the embarrassment burnt his cheeks at how Zewu-Jun would perceive him after he saw him on the verge of a panic attack. 

He gathered his nerves. "Zewu-Jun."

Whatever his expectation of the Sect Leader Lan's reaction would be, it wasn't Zewu-Jun to instantly open his eyes, hop off the boulder and stand in front of him. He faced his whole body towards Jiang Wanyin, eyes focused on him, waiting for him to continue his sentence. 

"Um…" Jiang Wanyin was flustered. There was something different in the way Zewu-Jun was looking at him. Previously, whenever Zewu-Jun asked for his health or his sect affairs, it was for the sake of greetings and as soon as the rest of the Venerated Triad arrived on the scene, Zewu-Jun would immediately excuse himself and Jiang Wanyin would go on his own way. They didn’t talk beyond the superficial conversation and the closest they had ever been was during the Sunshot Campaign, when they fought literally side-by-side. Even then, they never really talked. In fact, he didn't think Zewu-Jun had ever even looked at him this intense before. He never had Zewu-Jun’s attention and Zewu-Jun never had his. So, what changed? “What is your plan now that you’ve found me?” 

Lan Xichen studied Jiang Wanyin’s face - their initial encounter was less than stellar, with him startling the smaller man so much that he had almost gone into a panic attack. While he waited for Jiang Wanyin to come back out, his own meditation was extremely distracted, worrying about the former sect leader. Jiang Xian must have done something right because the face in front of him wasn’t as white washed as it was before. Still pale but not deathly. It seemed the previous rage was also gone because now Lan Xichen could only  see the hesitation on his face. “What do you mean?”

“Are you going back to Gusu Lan and report my location to Wei Wuxian?” Jiang Wanyin said bluntly.

“Do you want to?” Lan Xichen asked gently, recalling the promise that he had made with Sect Leader Jin. 

“The reason I went away is because I want to be away. Which means I don’t want anybody to come and find me, least of all you - well, most unexpectedly you.” Jiang Wanyin said drily. “Hanguang-Jun must be desperate to please his husband if he’s willing to recruit you to find me just to placate Wei Wuxian. I’m even more surprised that you agreed to this.”

Lan Xichen smiled depreciatively, knowing that while he had gone through self-discovery in this five months journey and all his feelings towards Jiang Wanyin had changed, Jiang Wanyin still thought them as simply colleagues, which made his surprise at his arrival understandable. “You seem to know Lan Wangji. There’s nothing he wouldn’t do for Wei Wuxian ever since he laid his eyes on him.” There were a lot of things Jiang Wanyin could say in response to that but he was tired of fighting these days. The perpetual fatigue from his defective core even drained the rage within him, leaving him a sarcastic, empty husk whenever he talked. “And to answer your question earlier,” Lan Xichen continued. “No, I will not tell anyone of your location. I just want to find you. You can trust me, Jiang Wanyin.”

Pain was visible in his face the word trust. “Trust is something I can barely afford these days.” Jiang Wanyin sighed. I know. Lan Xichen thought, heart aching. I know that, sweetheart. His hands twitched, itching so badly wanting to touch the man in front of him. But he didn’t dare yet. “But,” Jiang Wanyin said slowly, fingers restlessly twisting the Zidian. “It seems like fate insists me to still try anyhow.”

“What do you mean?” Lan Xichen frowned in confusion.

“I-...” Jiang Wanyin closed his eyes. Damn it all, why was asking for assistance was always such a hard thing to do. It was not just his pride that pulled him away, but it was also the ghosts of his mother’s voices that were screaming at him to be strong, more than just adequate and independent. Asking help means he was admitting his inadequacy - his weakness. But… he was weak at this moment, even he couldn’t deny that. 

He was jolted from his memory when he felt a heavy hand on his shoulder. He looked up to see the honeyed eyes darkened in worry. “Tell me, Jiang Wanyin.” Lan Xichen said softly as if the man knew the demons that he kept in his head. Which was impossible, of course, because they didn’t know each other well. He was just being Zewu-Jun, the kindest cultivator of their generation.  And why is Zewu-Jun touching me? He never did that before. This was so strange.

“I don’t know how much you know about Wei Wuxian and I, and about what happened just before I left but you said that Hanguang-Jun told you everything. And considering Wei Wuxian tells everything to Hanguang-Jun…” he trailed off.

“I knew about the core,” Lan Xichen murmured. 

“Even about the second time it happened?”

“Even that, yes.”

“Well…” Jiang Wanyin really didn’t know whether to be angry at his secret being easily shared or grateful that he didn’t have to tell that moment. But one thing he knew was he was grateful Lan Xichen didn’t ask his reason for doing such an insane thing. His reasons were his own and he didn't need to hear another person telling him to be grateful to Wei Wuxian. “There is something… happening to my core. It’s not working properly - sometimes the qi is almost non-existent but most of the time the qi circulation flared uncontrollably. I can’t cultivate my qi due to its instability. I also require daily qi transferral, which Jiang Xian had been doing for the past five months, just to keep my core from dying out. Huang-yisheng, the healer who had transplanted the core within me, said that it was because the core was transferred from a stasis mode, instead of direct transplant and the transferral should act as a catalyst before the core could generate it. He has estimated only a week of qi transferral but we quickly found out without it, I… uh… I deteriorate quite rapidly.”

The horror on Zewu-Jun was perplexing to say the least. Jiang Wanyin had expected concern from him, because he was Zewu-Jun, but this horrified expression was unexpected. And… was that fear that he saw in Zewu-Jun’s face? 

“Is it… terminal?” Lan Xichen asked, his heart pounding. Oh no, heavens above, please no. Not when I just found him… 

Jiang Wanyin shook his head and Lan Xichen's knees nearly buckled in intense relief. Unaware of the effect of words toward Lan Xichen, he continued. “We’ve been in contact with Huang-yisheng for the past few months since we found out and Jiang Xian has been chronologically documenting my effects and reactions for every method that he has suggested. So, he concluded that every qi influx that I receive, I will need to find a way to release it. But a simple practice is not going to be enough. I need to go night-hunting so that the core is used in an aggressive manner, in order for me to find a way to balance this qi within me.”

“But you haven’t gone night-hunting.” Lan Xichen slowly tried to understand. “Why?” He asked when Jiang Wanyin shook his head.

“It means that I would have to go with Jiang Xian. He is just a junior level cultivator. I refuse. I will not go night-hunting when I know I can’t protect him.” 

Lan Xichen swallowed hard at the blatant display of love. But Jiang Wanyin had always been fierce in his love; why did only now Lan Xichen see it?  “Is that why you look so…” Pale, frail, thinner, exhausted - like fire has been distinguished so completely within you. He instinctively raised his fingers to briefly touch the messy bang that framed Jiang Wanyin’s face.

The tender touch startled the shorter man as he raised his eyes up to meet Lan Xichen’s. “Y- Yes. It messes me up.”

“And you require my assistance?” Lan Xichen leaped into any opportunity to stay with Jiang Wanyin. “Because if you are, I will, anything at all.”

Jiang Wanyin’s dark violet eyes widened as he studied him. “You will? I must warn you that it will not take a week. Huang-yisheng said I need to go night-hunting every week for at least three months. Don’t you have Sect Leader duties to attend to?” 

Lan Xichen chuckled hoarsely. What is three months compared to years I've gone by without really knowing you? I've been blind. “I’ve been looking for you for five months all over the lands, Jiang Wanyin. Another three months will not make any different.”

Would today’s surprises never end? Jiang Wanyin thought as he was rendered motionless. Zewu-Jun had wandered the lands looking for him? For five months? Why? Faint blushes graced his cheeks at the thought he was worth anyone's trouble, let alone someone like Zewu-Jun. Anyone would have given up into a mere month. "Who's taking care of your sect affairs if you were doing this? I don't suppose Lan Qiren approved any of this."

"Lan Wangji is currently holding the post and he has been doing the job marvellously during my seclusion and my quest to find you.” 

“Why are you doing this, Zewu-Jun? I don’t understand. As far as I can remember, we’re not… friends.” Jiang Wanyin was confused. What had changed during the one and a half year that they were apart?

“And it was the greatest mistake I’ve ever made. I wish to rectify the situation, if you’re willing.” Lan Xichen said softly, eyes boring deep into the man in front him.

Jiang Wanyin opened his mouth to ask because Zewu-Jun’s words were weird and mystifying, but then, he changed his mind and closed it down. Who was he to question the luck that brought the top cultivator to him when he needed one the most? Maybe, if he kept his tongue less sharp, his tone less sarcastic and his words less harsh, Lan Xichen would be willing to stay with him until his core fully operational. 

Then, hopefully they would part their ways once again.

* * * * * *

For the next few days, Lan Xichen had watched how pale the colour of Zidian was when Jiang Wanyin tried to whip a tree in the forest behind his house. The lightning was a light lavender colour instead of the usual bright purple and the spark was less effective. And then, suddenly, out of nowhere - without rhyme and reason, the lightning suddenly burst bright in its power and colour. So, this was what Jiang Wanyin meant when he said his qi was uncontrollable. He understood why Jiang Wanyin refused to night-hunt with Jiang Xian with his core being as unreasonable as this. Even when they were sparring, Lan Xichen could feel the alternating low and high energy outburst from Sandu. 

It was hard for Jiang Wanyin to train himself to rely on other people. But the sparring sessions that he had with Lan Xichen (he found it strange to call Zewu-Jun by his name, but the taller man had insisted, saying that if they were going to stay together for three months, he refused to be called by his title) showed him why Lan Xichen was considered the top cultivator. It was not just his sword style and his immensely strong golden core but also his intelligence in perceiving the unexpected. A year after seclusion apparently didn’t affect his skills at all. The only thing that saved his own face from being completely overpowered by Lan Xichen was his swordplay movements that almost at par with the Gusu Lan style even his own core was failing him in every attack he made. 

Jiang Xian had watched their sparring session closely while beaming like a fool. Jiang Wanyin had glared at him but the youth had only grinned back at him. It was clear that Jiang Xian was happy Jiang Wanyin had finally someone at his own level to spar and to talk. Jiang Wanyin knew Jiang Xian had been very worried about his increasing solitary when he didn’t even want to go to the nearest village to be amongst people. Lan Xichen had provided a sense of companionship that Jiang Xian wanted his benefactor to have.

One afternoon when Jiang Xian went out to get some supplies, Lan Xichen and Jiang Wanyin were sparring as usual in the small clearing behind the house. This time, Lan Xichen wanted to see how his fledgling core handled the spiritual demand from Sandu. Shuoyue was drawn out to face Sandu. They had started slow, using the basic movement. Once Lan Xichen saw that Jiang Wanyin gained some sort of hold over his core, he pressed on, increasing the power on his attacks. Exhilaration rushed through his body as his golden core flared as if it was agreeing with his choice of sparring partner. The sleekness of Jiang Wanyin’s movements and the beauty of his whole stance as he fought pulled Lan Xichen deeper into his obsession.

Unaware of the illicit thoughts of Lan Xichen, Jiang Wanyin furrowed his eyebrows in deep concentration as he parried each of the attacks, willing Sandu to move with him. When Lan Xichen lunged his attack, Jiang Wanyin swirled away and tried to attack back. Again and again and again. Each time was effortlessly received by Lan Xichen, gradually noting the increasingly shaky way Sandu moved, indicating the stuttering of his sparring partner’s core. So, Lan Xichen held his own power back and, then, saw the anger in Jiang Wanyin’s face as he did so.

Rage filled Jiang Wanyin's heart at his own weakness and inadequacy. When he exchanged the core with Wei Wuxian, he had accepted that he would have to be content with a weaker core or be content living a life without a core. But this? To have a core but so unreliable. It was like giving him the hope and then yanking it back. Each flaring of his core gave him hope that he could still use his Sandu and Zidian and each time his core died, the hope was viciously taken back. And now, to see Lan Xichen hold back because his core suddenly failed him made his blood boil. So, instead of pacing himself down, Jiang Wanyin snarled and pushed forward.

He ignored the trembling in his hands, the way Sandu faltered and the way exhaustion began to overwhelm him. Cold sweat poured down from his forehead to his chin at the exertion. In front of him, he could see Lan Xichen frowning at his stubbornness and the taller man still accepted all of his attacks. 

But he didn't care. 

“Jiang Wanyin,” Lan Xichen called out.

He pushed on. Sandu flew aggressively towards his sparring partner. His face was getting paler and the trembling intensified.

“Jiang Wanyin! Stop this!” The usual soft voice hardened. 

No! He cannot bow down to this weakness. But he knew he was fighting the inevitable. His core was dimming down.

Lan Xichen’s heart thundered at the sight of white-washed skin of Jiang Wanyin. The man looked a second away from passing out. But when he saw blood trickling out from Jiang Wanyin's nose, he had had enough. With a burst of energy that he didn’t show in the sparring, Lan Xichen shot out Shuoyue and let the sword fly to knock Sandu off Jiang Wanyin’s hand and both swords were embedded tall, side-by-side into the ground; as if Shuoyue was holding Sandu down, protecting it. With Sandu out of the way, Lan Xichen lunged forward to tackle Jiang Wanyin and pin him down to the ground.

“Wanyin! I said stop it!” Lan Xichen growled deeply. His hand gripped Jiang Wanyin slender wrists against the moist ground and his body pressed the squirming body beneath him.

Jiang Wanyin snarled in utter frustration. He didn’t know whether it was the lack of power in his core or had Lan Xichen always been this heavy and big? “Get off me!”

“No! You’re hurting yourself! Until you calm down I’m not letting you go.” The authoritative tone brooked no argument. 

His chest was heaving in effort and exhaustion. As his rage was leaving him, he felt more and more of the fatigue that usually had accompanied him. “Damn it…” he whispered as he felt blood rushing out from his head, making him extremely light-headed. For the last few moments before Shuoyue pushed Sandu out of his hand, Jiang Wanyin had been wielding Sandu solely using his own power without any assistance from his core and his body was paying for now.

Lan Xichen was alarmed at the increasing daze expression on Jiang Wanyin’s face. He released one of his hands to wipe the blood from his nose away and when he touched the slighter man’s face; he inhaled sharply at the clammy feeling under his skin. “...Wanyin? How are you feeling? You don’t look very well.”

His lips curled sardonically. He knew within seconds, he was going to pass out. “...no shit…”

Lan Xichen sighed when Jiang Wanyin lost consciousness. Was this going to be the usual occurrence? Him sparring with Jiang Wanyin, and then the man was going to be obstinate and ended up hurting himself as a way to cope with his frustration? If that was so, Jiang Wanyin was going to make Lan Xichen grey prematurely with all the worry he would have, looking after this man. 

But he also knew that he wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Without thinking, he leaned down to briefly brush his lips on the cold, damp forehead in deep affection and then lifted his sparring partner into his arms to carry him into the house.

When Jiang Wanyin woke up a few hours later to the irate face of Jiang Xian, Lan Xichen smiled smugly when Jiang Wanyin glared at him. He knew the man had the softest spot for Jiang Xian and would always allow himself to be persuaded by the youth. Plus, after the scare he had given Lan Xichen that afternoon, he didn’t feel any guilt for siccing Jiang Xian on him.

“I don’t know Zewu-Jun could be so low for using such an under-handed method,” Jiang Wanyin scowled when Jiang Xian finally left to make some food.

With his chin demurely supported by his hand on the table, Lan Xichen smiled. “I am merely returning the favour.”

“What favour?!” 

“The one where you scared me by acting so recklessly during our spar this afternoon. What were you thinking wielding Sandu when your core has shut down?” You could have shortened your lifespan. He didn’t voice that out because both of them knew.

“I scared you?” Jiang Wanyin sneered. “Why would anything I do scares you? Since when you care about me?”

“What do you mean?” Lan Xichen looked affronted. “I care about you. I always do.”

“Not like this. As colleagues, yes but not as friends.” Jiang Wanyin insisted. “I don’t understand you. Why are you here? Why are you so willing to help me? Do you feel guilty on behalf of your brother? Because if you did, then don’t. I told Wei Wuxian we don’t owe each other anything.”

Lan Xichen knew he couldn’t run away from that question forever. He couldn’t say that everything had changed when he got to know Jiang Wanyin. He couldn’t say that he had fallen so head over heel towards him during his five-month quest. The former sect leader would not believe him; the worst scenario was he would think Lan Xichen pity him. With a quiet desperation in his heart, he pleaded, “Whatever happened in the past is in the past. What we have here is now. Now, I care about you. I care about you as a friend who wants to see you get better and I want to help in any way that I can. Have I ever lied to you, Jiang Wanyin? Have I ever said one thing and meant the other?”

Jiang Wanyin watched the handsome face in front of him. Lan Xichen’s face was open and without deceit - as he always was - and Jiang Wanyin swallowed down hard. Lan Xichen wanted him as a friend? A real friend, and not just a simple peer? The last time he had a friend (a best friend), he had been burnt so badly that now he was afraid of opening up to other people. Could he learn to trust Lan Xichen? The man had been burnt by his own best friend as well, and yet, here he was opening his heart to Jiang Wanyin. In some ways, Lan Xichen was a stronger and braver man than he was. 

And what Lan Xichen said was true. He had never lied to him in anyway. Maybe Jiang Wanyin could take the tentative step forward to Lan Xichen. Maybe he could try to trust again. 

“As I told you before, Lan Xichen, trust is something I barely afford anymore,” Jiang Wanyin said quietly and Lan Xichen’s heart dropped momentarily at the thought of Jiang Wanyin refusing his hand of friendship. “But...” Jiang Wanyin continued; the smallest curve of soft, uncertain smile appeared and Lan Xichen’s heart skipped a beat at that sight. “But I suppose I can try to trust you.”

“I want to try and care for you as a friend as well.” Cheeks red and eyes shifted to the side.

Lan Xichen could hardly believe his ears. With a radiant smile that caused Jiang Wanyin to duck his head bashfully, Lan Xichen reached out for both of Jiang Wanyin’s hands and squeezed them. The emotion within him overflowed, drowning him in with the fierce litany of want, need and desire for this man, but Lan Xichen would settle for friendship. For now.

They went on having a few spars after that, with Jiang Wanyin had gotten better in controlling his emotions and his core, and Lan Xichen had gotten better in predicting the qi fluctuation. When they sparred, the fluidity in their movements was mesmerising to watch as Jiang Xian had told them. 

“I think we’re ready to go for our first night-hunt,” Lan Xichen declared one night, one week after the incident, when they were having dinner.

Jiang Wanyin hid his surprise with a scoff. “This morning sparring disaster suggested otherwise.” Zidian had refused to come out at all and a sudden wave of fatigue that came after that caused him to lean against Lan Xichen when the taller man had rushed towards him to steady his sparring partner.

“But at least I can now guess your qi fluctuation better. We cannot wait for a perfect sparring session before we go to a night-hunt.” The unspoken worry was well heard by all three of them. We are running out of time.

“I agree,” Jiang Xian said. “But I think it would be better for me to stay behind to avoid Jiang-laoshi being distracted.” He smiled sheepishly at Lan Xichen. “He tends to be too overprotective.” 

Lan Xichen smiled back at Jiang Xian, knowingly. “Yes, I’ve heard.”

Jiang Wanyin scowled. “Hey, do both of you mind? I’m sitting right here. And what do you mean ‘you’ve heard’?” 

Lan Xichen looked at Jiang Wanyin tenderly. “Jiang Wanyin, I didn’t spend five months wandering around aimlessly and found you by luck. I talked to people.”

“What people?” Jiang Wanyin bristled defensively. He could only imagine what his peers in the cultivation world said about him but he wagered that none of it was glowing praise for his virtues. He knew how they saw Sandu Shengshou. Who knew what atrocious things they had said about him? 

Lan Xichen saw the way Jiang Wanyin raised his protective walls immediately at the slightest insinuation of his flaws and he hated that so much. He didn’t want Jiang Wanyin to hide from him and let Sandu Shengshou take over. So he quickly raised his hand to cover Jiang Wanyin’s hand on the table and gripped it firmly, dominating Jiang Wanyin’s attention. “Your people, Jiang Wanyin. Just your people. And they miss you, so much.”

Instantly Jiang Wanyin’s pale cheeks flushed in pretty pink as his eyes widened. Whether at Lan Xichen’s tender words or the way their hands intertwined or at the way Lan Xichen’s eyes bore deep into his, Lan Xichen didn’t know but he didn’t care. He needed to make Jiang Wanyin understand where his own perception towards him lay. Not with the cultivation world but with Jiang Wanyin’s side. “You talked to Jiang Zhou?” The disbelief was clear in his voice.

“And Madam Fa and a waiter named Feng Li in Jiang Xian’s hometown and everybody else in Lotus Pier.” Lan Xichen murmured, tightening his hold on the stunned man’s hand. “I also braved the wrath of Sect Leader Jin Ling of Lanling. Your nephew is furious.”

“At me…?” Jiang Wanyin sounded small. He could only imagine how Jin Ling would feel.

“At everybody except you.” Lan Xichen said firmly. “He just misses you.”

The amethyst eyes were glistening at the mention of Jin Ling. He missed Jin Ling like a gaping void in his soul. This was the longest he had ever been without seeing, talking and scolding him. They had always been so close, despite the constant arguments and threats. A brief glance at Jiang Xian also showed the youth was missing his younger friend acutely too. Suddenly, guilt overcame him. He was guilty for making Jin Ling sad, for making Jiang Xian leave Jin Ling and for making everybody else in Lotus Pier feel the way they felt. Everything his parents thought of him was true after all - he was selfish and weak and so incompetent…

Suddenly, he felt large hands cradle the curve of his jaws as Lan Xichen coaxed him to look at him. The skin felt warm against his own skin and the honeyed eyes that were looking at him was mesmerising. “Stop it,” Lan Xichen ordered, the deep voice was soft but adamant. “Whatever spiral of bad thoughts that are running through your head right now, just stop it. They miss you because you are an exceptional person in their life. Nothing bad has been said - no one blames you and no one is angry at you. Jiang Wanyin, they just want you to be happy.” 

Jiang Wanyin swallowed hard. All his life, nobody ever told him that. Everybody was always expecting something from him. Responsibilities, expectations and pressures to succeed from people around him suffocated him. Could it be that he was blind to see the love too? Under the weight of Lan Xichen’s soft gaze at him, Jiang Wanyin felt too exposed and vulnerable, and he couldn’t bare himself to the man in front of him. He had hidden himself away for far too long to be able to connect to anyone. So, he pulled his face away from the warm touch and equally warm gaze and blindly reached for the chopstick. Lowering his gaze, he shoved pieces of meat into his mouth, willing this strange, strange moment to pass.

Lan Xichen sighed inaudibly. He wondered whether his words reached Jiang Wanyin. The darkness that clouded his expression when he thought the people in Lotus Pier hated him or something was so painfully stark that Lan Xichen wasn’t really thinking when he touched Jiang Wanyin. Oh heavens… those violet eyes were so beautiful in vulnerability that the heaviness that was in Lan Xichen’s heart ever since he realised he was in love with Jiang Wanyin, caused his throat to close off. The yearning inside his heart intensified and how he wanted the man in front of him. 

“So, night-hunting, yes?” Jiang Wanyin said after a few mouthfuls. Flushes still stained on his cheeks. 

“Yes,” Lan Xichen answered. “Shall we go tomorrow night?”

He threw a quick glance to Lan Xichen’s expecting face and Jiang Wanyin nodded his head. “Sure.” 

All the while Jiang Xian watched the whole interaction with a stunned face. Wait a minute… WAIT A MINUTE! What was that all about…?

Is- Is Zewu-Jun attracted to Jiang-laoshi?!!

* * * * * *

When Jiang Wanyin came out of the house the evening they were going night-hunting, Lan Xichen felt quite disappointed when he saw the man had pulled his hair up in the usual severe bun. For the past few days, Lan Xichen had the pleasure of seeing Jiang Wanyin’s unruly hair, which was carelessly half-bound using that lime-coloured ribbon, flew around him while they were sparring. It made the man look younger and unburdened, and each accidental caress of liquid ink hair against Lan Xichen’s skin had never failed to make his heart quicken deliciously. But he hid his disappointment with a bright smile.

“Are you ready to go?” he asked. 

Jiang Wanyin couldn’t decide whether he should feel defensive at the careful way Lan Xichen treated him or nervous at the first night-hunt he had with this new core. He didn’t know what to expect. “Let’s go.” He said curtly. “Do you know where we’re going?”

“Mm…” Lan Xichen hummed. “Jiang Xian has asked the people in the village for any problem and they have pointed out a specific location about six li away from the village. Apparently, there is some sort of unknown creature wandering about the area and it may have killed one person already. I thought for our first night-hunt, we can just investigate and see how it goes. Simple and easy.”

“Unless the creature turns out to be some gigantic pain in the ass and we will all get killed because I cannot assist you with my crappy core.” Jiang Wanyin scowled. 

“Jiang Wanyin!” Lan Xichen admonished. “A little optimism, please.”

“Knowing my luck, it’s highly unlikely.” The grumpy face caused Lan Xichen to laugh. 

“Well, my luck is not as bad as yours. Perhaps it will even out each other, right?”

Jiang Wanyin rolled his eyes. “You’re ridiculous, you know that, right?” Then, Lan Xichen smiled one of those small, contented smiles that Jiang Wanyin still didn’t understand but never failed to make his own heart warm. 

They ventured towards the location with Jiang Wanyin sharing Lan Xichen’s Shuoyue; neither of them trusted his own core to bear his weight even at such a short distance. The firm grip Lan Xichen had around his waist was reassuring that he didn’t have in him to be embarrassed with the Sect Leader Lan anymore. When they stepped off from the sword, the atmosphere was cold and eerily quiet. The night had almost swallowed any light from the moon and they were almost relying on their golden core to be able to see anything.

In the darkness Jiang Wanyin felt so unhinged. He hadn't been on night-hunts for more than half a year and he felt so out of practice. He was more worried that he would be an inconvenience for Lan Xichen than he was for his own safety. With his own hand tightly wrapped around Sandu's grip, he followed Lan Xichen. After walking for an hour and so, suddenly both cultivators stopped their movement when a hissing sound was heard. Lan Xichen glanced at Jiang Wanyin and he nodded back at his taller partner, indicating that he was ready. 

They both jumped away from their spot and hid behind the nearest tree, waiting for hissing creature to show itself. Then, to their surprise, a small naga came out slithering its way towards them. By comparison to other nagas, this one was quite small, but in comparison to humans, the small naga was the size of two adult men. Jiang Wanyin nearly bugged his eyes out at the sight. A little optimism, my ass. He thought despairingly. It looks like my usual bad luck is even bigger than Lan Xichen’s good luck. The creature was difficult enough to be killed by an ordinary senior-level cultivator, let alone the one with a really unreliable core.

“Why couldn’t it just be a low-spirited ghoul?” Jiang Wanyin grumbled under his breath. “I’d even take a fierce corpse.”

He nearly jumped in surprise when he felt Lan Xichen’s breath next to his ear. “My, my… you really know how to pick your first night-hunt. A naga?” There was a tone of teasing in those words. 

Jiang Wanyin turned his head, eyes flashing and lips curled in sneer. “What? You’re the one who picked this location!” He hissed before realising how close their faces were. Lan Xichen had leaned down and when Jiang Wanyin had turned his face, their noses brushed against each other. A sharp inhale was from Jiang Wanyin when he saw how intense the dark amber eyes as they burned into his own. Lan Xichen showed no intention to pull away, contented by their intimate proximity.

All of this confused Jiang Wanyin. Nearly twenty years knowing this man, not once had he seen Lan Xichen act like this. Yes, he knew that they were now friends. But did friends often act like this… this intimate? Sometimes, Lan Xichen had no concept of personal boundaries when he pressed close against him when they sparred, or when they sat next to each other during eating. Jiang Wanyin was so out of his depth.

“Wanyin…?” Lan Xichen murmured.

“W- what?” he answered, aiming to retort, but came out flustering.

“Shall we kill the naga?” The smile was soft, almost indulging. Damn it all, Jiang Wanyin thought as he felt his own heart thundering. Why the hell do I feel like this? 

He pushed down his emotions as he wordlessly nodded his head. Perhaps that was how Lan Xichen was with his friends. Or perhaps he himself was so out-of-touch with how friendship worked, considering he didn’t have one. Perhaps it was just him being embarrassingly fanciful. 

They jumped out from their hiding as soon as the naga was not facing them, ambushing the snake-like creature. Its skin was tough and almost impenetrable except for the small, vulnerable patch area under its head, where both cultivators were aiming. Jiang Wanyin focused on that spot while Lan Xichen distracted the creature away from him. The naga’s tail flicked fast and deadly toward Lan Xichen, but the man effortlessly dodged every attack.

The opening was right in front of him when the naga twisted his neck to chase after Lan Xichen and Jiang Wanyin took it. Willing his core to cooperate with him, even at this momentary period, he thrusted Sandu and lunged straight towards the neck. It would have worked if it wasn’t for the sudden breath of fire being directed at both of them. Of course. Jiang Wanyin thought exasperatedly as he threw himself off the fire path. Of course it was the type of naga that breathes fire. My luck is rotten.

“Lan Xichen!” Jiang Wanyin called out. “We need to lure it to any source of water!” 

Lan Xichen flipped himself off out of the tail trajectory and replied, “I didn’t see any body of water on our way here.”

“I know of one,” Jiang Wanyin said. “Let’s work together to bait it.”

They feigned attacks on the naga, causing it to roar angrily and rushed towards them. Jiang Wanyin attempted to attack the neck, the naga breathed fire, and then, Lan Xichen pulled Jiang Wanyin out of the way. They repeated the attack, switching the roles and suddenly, Lan Xichen laughed when he realised where Jiang Wanyin was bringing the creature.

“A swamp?” 

Jiang Wanyin shrugged. “Body of water, right? They don’t specify how pure the water must be.”

Lan Xichen grinned and Jiang Wanyin was helplessly unable to not return the smile, so he compromised with a small one. “Well, come on, then,” Lan Xichen said.

The idea was to lure the naga into the swamp, stopping the fire breathed by the creature. But it wasn’t as simple as it was made to be. The naga writhed and its tail was too fast for someone with a core like Jiang Wanyin. He dodged the attacks again and again, when suddenly his core was apparently done being useful. Sandu was getting heavy and exhaustion was consuming him. Trickles of blood started to make their way out from Jiang Wanyin’s nostril, warning him that he was now using his lifespan to wield Sandu. 

Lan Xichen saw it and knew Jiang Wanyin’s core was back to its stasis mode.The sight of a bleeding nose told him the length Jiang Wanyin was pushing himself for every move he made. Alarmed, Lan Xichen pushed himself towards Jiang Wanyin, intending to protect the man from naga’s erratic tail movement and its fire-breathings. “Xichen, don’t!” Jiang Wanyin shouted when he saw the man’s intention. 

Lan Xichen ignored the order, flicking Shuoyue to parry the incoming attack before grabbing Jiang Wanyin by the waist and rolling both of them towards the swamp. The fire narrowly avoided them by a mere inch and the naga, in its fervour to chase after the cultivators, slipped its feet at the bank of the swamp and stumbled down into the viscous, wet mud. The swamp was agitated as the naga struggled to free itself. 

“Oh heavens,” Lan Xichen gasped from the mud; his hand still tightly around Jiang Wanyin’s waist. “This is foul. We need to get out of here.”

“What the hell were you thinking?!” Jiang Wanyin shouted, uncaring of the mud caking on his face and hair. “Why did you come after me and into the harm’s way?!”

“Wanyin, we need to get out of this swamp and finish the hunt,” Lan Xichen said calmly as he treaded the mud towards the bank. “You can yell at me after this.”

“You crazy, self-destructive man!” Jiang Wanyin snapped but his legs still moved with Lan Xichen. “See if I want to night-hunt with you ever again!” 

They climbed out and flopped on the ground like a captured fish. They breathed heavily for a few seconds, listening to the roaring naga who couldn’t seem to get itself out. Every attempt of fire-breathing was met with futility when it touched the wet, heavy mud. Lan Xichen smiled when he heard Jiang Wanyin groan at the way mud slipped into some places that made it extremely uncomfortable. “Shall we finish the hunt?”

“You do it,” Jiang Wanyin groused as he wiped the mud from his face. “My core had stopped being cooperative.”

“Mn…” Lan Xichen agreed as he gracefully (God, how Jiang Wanyin hated the way Lan Xichen still seemed so put together even with all mud on him) stood up and carelessly took off his outer, heavy and muddy robe. Jiang Wanyin could feel his mouth went dry at the silhouette of broad shoulders and he quickly looked away. What the hell? What the HELL? He thought in panic. He had never reacted like to anybody before.

Without the fire, the naga was easily subdued by Lan Xichen. Jiang Wanyin, still deeply flustered by the foreign emotion, turned away before another new emotion arose if he saw Lan Xichen in action again. He busied himself by taking his ruined outer robe and used the cleanest section of the clothes to wipe away traces of mud on his face, neck and hands. While he was waiting, he grudgingly admitted that Huang-yisheng was maybe right. He could feel the difference in the way his qi circulated when he was simply sparring and when he was in night-hunt. Night-hunting forced the core to activate better while he was in distress, pushing it to be more aggressive due to its unpredictability. He could feel his core last longer in this time compared to when he was sparring with Lan Xichen.

When the man himself stood in front of him, with his usual calm and serene demeanor as he cleaned Shuoyue. “Are you feeling okay?” Lan Xichen asked.

"Fine." Jiang Wanyin said curtly. "We're still not finished discussing the fact I don't want to night-hunt with you if you're going to be an idiot who barges into danger."

"Or, I could be an idiot who knows his partner is in trouble with his core and after promising that he would protect him, he barges into the situation to fulfill the promise," Lan Xichen countered back lightly. 

"You and your words. I've had enough of listening to diplomatic words that are basically meaning the same," Jiang Wanyin retorted. 

Somehow, being equated to acting pretentious held heavily in Lan Xichen's mind. He never wanted Jiang Wanyin to consider him like that. Like he was cut from the same clothes as Jin Guangyao because he had seen enough how Jin Guangyao used his silver tongue to placate everyone. Back then, he had admired the tact that his sworn brother had. Back then, he had thought Jin Guangyao was the best leader Lanling Jin Sect had ever seen. Oh, how wrong he was! And the mere thought of Jiang Wanyin likened him to that man was enough to make Lan Xichen's stomach turn nauseatingly. "Jiang Wanyin," he called out, voice deep and serious. 

When the smaller man looked back at him with a frown in his face, Lan Xichen put both of his hands on the man's shoulders. "I want you to understand that everything that I say and everything that I do, is exactly how I mean it. I don't sugar-coat my words and there will never be layers in my intentions. You may dislike being dependent on me but please don't think that you've burdened me. I want to be here with you and being able to protect you in your times of vulnerability is my privilege. What you see me is exactly what I am."

Jiang Wanyin suddenly was feeling ashamed. Apparently, his words had hurt Lan Xichen's feelings. He might be crass, but he wasn't a bastard who was ungrateful of Lan Xichen's kindness to him. And to say Lan Xichen was placating him with diplomatic words was uncalled for. "I'm sorry…" He muttered. "It was never my intention to accuse you of being pretentious. It’s just that I… I just don't like you endangering yourself for me. You are meant to assist me; not to get yourself killed."

Lan Xichen was so head-over-heel in love with man and Jiang Wanyin’s continued disregard of his own importance was heart-breaking to watch. "You may not regard yourself as important, but I do. You are important to me."

Confusion graced the former sect leader's face. "Oh, because we're friends, right?" 

Lan Xichen couldn't hold back any longer at the look of genuine confusion of a simple act of human’s affection. Oh, how broken this man was? He pulled Jiang Wanyin gently into the warmth of his embrace, leaning down to press his lips on top of the shorter man's mud-crusted hair. The lonely life Jiang Wanyin had led eversince the end of the Sunshot Campaign was starkly clear in each social ineptitude that he had shown. Lan Xichen tightened his hold as he whispered fiercely, "Yes, Wanyin, because we're friends."

But inside Lan Xichen's heart it said because I love you, because I love you, because I love you. 

* * * * * *

Two months have passed since Lan Xichen had stayed with Jiang Wanyin and Jiang Xian. They sparred every day and every three days, they went for a night-hunt. Jiang Wanyin's core had gradually improved especially since Lan Xichen had also taken over the qi transferral from Jiang Xian, claiming that he had plenty of qi to spare and Jiang Xian should reserve his for the junior cultivator to improve himself. But Jiang Xian suspected that Zewu-Jun was being his own possessive and overprotective self, which cemented Jiang Xian's belief that Zewu-Jun had feelings for his benefactor. A part of Jiang Xian wanted to confront Zewu-Jun but a bigger part of him was happy to see how Jiang Wanyin had improved under Zewu-Jun’s attentiveness. 

During those months, Jiang Wanyin slowly lost his reserves around Lan Xichen and he began to build his trust in him. The frail, pale and exhausted man two months ago was slowly disappearing as his core began to stabilise and gradually began generating its own qi. He didn’t know what was the exact thing that had been done to make himself improve after months of failure. Was it the night-hunts that he went with Lan Xichen? Or was it his core wanted qi transferral of a more compatible cultivator and not just any cultivator? Or was it because his core wanted the demons within him to be subdued before it could really begin to heal?

Because being with Lan Xichen did wonders to the loud angry voices and poisonous emotions that were his companions all his life. There was one evening, after a particularly gruelling sparring session, he had shared the stories of the early years when he was rebuilding his sect; he shared his doubt and insecurity of his own ability to lead a Sect at such a young age with infant Jin Ling to take care and with no one for him to rely on. He also shared snippets of his life with Jiang Zhou as his right-hand man, confessing that the older man had stopped him from committing numerous political blunders by balancing Jiang Wanyin's short temper with his own milder one. He talked about having Jiang Xian and Jin Ling in his life, like how both of them anchored him, providing him purpose and direction and now both of them had grown up, it had left him aimless. And Lan Xichen had been listening to his whole spews of complaints with a level of attentiveness that soothed his heart.

Lan Xichen, himself, was over the moon at the display of trust. He knew how hard it was for Jiang Wanyin to open himself to another person and the fact that he did it with him, albeit carefully, showed Lan Xichen that he was at the closest proximity to Jiang Wanyin compared to anybody else, well, since Wei Wuxian.

In return, Lan Xichen talked about his time in seclusion. He talked about how lost he felt when he realised everything he knew and believed in was a lie constructed cunningly for nearly twenty years by a man he regarded as his sworn brother. He talked about the smothering guilt for indirectly causing his other sworn brother's death for teaching Jin Guangyao the song. He talked about how it took him six months before he could touch another guqin, preferring to keep Liebing close. He talked about his regret for trusting too much in people; that his naivety allowed himself to be manipulated to the detriment of others (Jiang Wanyin had vehemently disagree with that, saying that it was better to trust than to distrust like he did and led such a miserable life). He talked about the conclusion he had come to that led to him breaking his seclusion; that he didn’t want to spend another day thinking about the man who wasn’t worth his time in the first place.  

At the end of their heart-to-heart, Lan Xichen smiled brightly at Jiang Wanyin and the smaller man smiled back - it was the first time he saw Jiang Wanyin's full, unreserved smile and Lan Xichen had fallen impossibly deeper in love at how the smile softened the sharp edges, making the already beautiful man becoming heart-breakingly more exquisite. How precious was this man; he had wondered for the countless time. How could every flaw that Jiang Wanyin showed endeared him and every virtue caused him to love him even more? The urge to kiss the man was strong, undeniably so, that Lan Xichen quickly took out Liebing, pretending to want to play for Jiang Wanyin. If his mouth was occupied with Liebing, perhaps the urge to kiss Jiang Wanyin would pass. 

Under the starry night and the luminous moonlight, both men sat so closely to each other, sharing warmth as they healed together.

When the sun came out the next day, Jiang Xian couldn’t help but smile at the sight of Lan Xichen leaning back against the wall, seemingly still sleeping, with Jiang Wanyin curled peacefully, with his head cradled in the taller man’s lap and blanket drawn up to his chin. A pair of amber eyes flicked opened to look up at Jiang Xian - the man had probably woken up at 5 in the morning - and a small, adoring smile on his face when he looked back down at the sleeping man. He shook his head slightly at Jiang Xian when he saw the youth was planning to carry his teacher back inside. “Leave him with me, please. I’ll take care of him,” he whispered and Jiang Xian nodded his head as he went back inside. His heart expanded in relief at the sight of Jiang Wanyin finding someone like Zewu-Jun even during his time of self-exile.

A month after that, Jiang Wanyin declared that the lotuses are ready to be harvested and a new batch should be planted. Lan Xichen had looked decidedly excited to try harvesting and planting lotuses. So, with the sun barely peeking through the mountains, all three of them headed down to the small lake. While Jiang Xian immediately set down to his task of harvesting, Jiang Wanyin and Lan Xichen went to another section of the shallow and muddy pond to begin planting. They went about their tasks for several hours when suddenly, Jiang Xian’s eyes widened at the sound that he barely heard all throughout his life. 

Jiang-laoshi was laughing. 

He immediately released the lotus stalks that he had been holding, twisting his body to look for him. There he was.

Jiang-laoshi was in some sort of mud-fighting with Zewu-Jun. Zewu-Jun was chasing Jiang-laoshi through the muddy water, with dark brown mud in his hands, throwing them alternately while the smaller man was dodging while laughing breathlessly. The first mud was successfully avoided but the second one hit him on his chest. Zewu-Jun called out something and Jiang Wanyin threw mud back in retaliation, making Zewu-Jun laugh harder in return. Apparently, the planting was forgotten as two grownup cultivators played in the mud. One was known for his vicious demeanor and bad temper and the other one was known for his high cultivation and his serene manner. 

What a sight they made!

Under the bright, morning sun, Jiang Wanyin’s cheeks were flushed with health and happiness. The huge smile lightened up his whole face and it was something Jiang Xian had never seen for as long as he knew him. The radiance within him showed a much healthier and stronger core compared to the one he had three months ago. His core still needed the qi transferral and he still needed to go night-hunting but Jiang Xian couldn’t recall the last time Jiang Wanyin looked as exhausted as he was three months ago. 

Zewu-Jun also looked happier than he was when he first arrived here. When he chased after Jiang Wanyin, throwing mud, catching mud himself and exchanging teasing words, his renowned beauty seemed to increase twice-fold by the happiness, reminding Jiang Xian the reason why he was the number one in the cultivator world.

It boggled Jiang Xian how his teacher was still oblivious of the love Zewu-Jun had for him. But it wasn’t his place to say anything. Well, until it was, if Zewu-Jun did anything to hurt Jiang Wanyin. So, with a wide smile on his face, Jiang Xian returned back to his task, humming under his breath. Happiness was indeed contagious.

Far away from Jiang Xian, Jiang Wanyin was laughing and stumbling with Lan Xichen hot on his heels. It all started with Lan Xichen clumsily trying to plant the seed into the mud. The sight of the usually graceful cultivator slipped and fell onto his ass was hilarious but the disbelief look on the fair face that had caused Jiang Wanyin to burst out laughing. “Is the labour too menial for you, Zewu-Jun?” He had teased and he hadn’t expected Lan Xichen to throw mud on his face. “Fuah?” He had sputtered as he frantically wiped away the mud. “What is it with you and mud?!” He cried. “Oh... gross!”

Lan Xichen struggled on his feet; hilarity danced in his eyes. “Me? You’re the one who kept dragging me to muddy places!” 

“And yet, it was you who seemed to enjoy it the most!” Jiang Wanyin retorted. 

“Was I?” Lan Xichen pondered with a sly smile. “Are you saying you’re not?” 

“What? Of course not!” Jiang Wanyin scoffed and then widened his eyes as he saw Lan Xichen raised another handful of mud. “No! What are you doing? Stop! Lan Xichen, stop this instant!” But Jiang Wanyin was already laughing and running away and they proceeded to play around for an hour. 

The chasing stopped when Lan Xichen finally caught on to Jiang Wanyin, just as the man was scrambling at the banks of the shallow pond, trying to get out. The taller man wrapped his arms around Jiang Wanyin waist, pulling him towards himself, causing both of them to slip. Lan Xichen quickly stopped them from hitting their heads on rocks as he securely pinned Jiang Wanyin against one of the huge boulders at the edge of the pond. Heavy breathings and wide smiles were shared as both of them were covered with dried and wet mud. Clearly, any intention to do lotus planting had been forgotten.

“You are a menace,” Jiang Wanyin chuckled. 

"Mm…" Lan Xichen murmured as his eyes traced every line of happiness on Jiang Wanyin's face. His heart was full and warm because he knew the happiness on Jiang Wanyin's face was because of him. He caused this. He made him happy. The dark amethyst eyes that stared back at him were bright, which were so different from the dull ones when they had first met three months ago. He wanted to encase this moment in the deepest corner of his mind for him to cherish and remember for the rest of his life. 

Jiang Wanyin, in return, watched Lan Xichen. By now, he was already accustomed by the way his own heart never failed to quicken  whenever he set his eyes on the handsome Zewu-Jun. He had accepted that he was feeling something more than a friendship for the man. The novelty of the feeling took his breath away because Jiang Wanyin had never felt like in his whole life. Lan Xichen - Jiang Wanyin decided - had the most mesmerising eyes he had ever met and the softest of heart and the broadest, strongest breadth of shoulders that could probably hold the weight of the world. Sometimes Jiang Wanyin wondered whether those broad shoulders could hold the weight of his own demons, the voices of his ghosts, his unfathomable insecurity and his inability to open up to anyone.... He breathed in sharply at the sudden turn of his thoughts. He turned his head away. How could he even think Lan Xichen even wanted him? He was such a mess - even he wanted to run away from himself.

“Wanyin…?” Lan Xichen frowned. Wasn’t a minute ago he was happy? “What’s wrong?”

As much as he wanted to run away, his accursed mouth ran on its own. “When you go back to Cloud Recesses, will you remember me?” He asked. “The three-month period is almost up.” I’m out of reason to keep you here.

The whiplash from the change of atmosphere nearly caused Lan Xichen to move a step back but he didn’t. Instead he pressed closer. “Your core is still mending. I’m not going anywhere.”

“But when it eventually will, will you remember me?” Jiang Wanyin insisted. “Your sect is waiting for you. I’m not somebody important anymore.”

“Why does this worry you?” Lan Xichen asked. His heart pounded at the sadness in Jiang Wanyin’s eyes. Did this mean Jiang Wanyin feel something more than just friendship? Did Lan Xichen dare to hope for more? 

Jiang Wanyin bit his lips. His emotions were difficult to sort through - he didn’t know what he was feeling anymore. How could Lan Xichen make him so happy, like he mattered for the first time to someone, but at the same time, a deep shadow of melancholy seemed to engulf him as well at the thought of losing everything he had for the past three months? And to think three months ago he thought he would be glad to be parted with Lan Xichen after his core had healed - how quickly his heart changed. So, he blurted the one thing that crossed clearly in his mind. “I don’t know what I would do after you’re gone. I was aimless and… resigned but now that you're here, I feel more anchored.”

Jiang Wanyin felt the sudden rush of embarrassment when he saw the surprise in Lan Xichen's face - eyes wide, mouth dropped open. Fuck. You really don't have any filter, don't you, Jiang Cheng? Do you really have to blurt every single thing that crosses your mind? No wonder nobody wants to be your friend. He could feel blood rushing to his face, knowing his face was red, and he wished to get out of his uncomfortable situation now. 

"Forget it," Jiang Wanyin said desperately. "I don't know what I'm saying half of the time anyway," Quickly, he ducked down to slither his way out of Lan Xichen's arms, nearly slipping on the muddy water in his haste to get away. 

"Wanyin! Wait!" Lan Xichen called breathlessly, having finally recovered from the blatant honesty but an embarrassed Jiang Wanyin was a fast retreater because before he knew it, the slighter man was already halfway to the house. Watching him hurried as he went around the house to wash out the worst of the mud, Lan Xichen felt his heart thunder - did the moment really just happen? 

Did Jiang Wanyin admit out loud that Lan Xichen was his anchor? Not just someone who helped him with his core but as someone who anchored him. Like Lan Xichen was his lifeline. 

Oh heavens above, his knees were weak and wonders filled his heart. He hadn't dared to hope before. He had been willing to be whomever Jiang Wanyin wanted him to be - a healer, a helping hand, a companion, a listener or at the very best, a friend. He never thought he would have any chance of receiving Jiang Wanyin's affection or attraction or even love. 

But the emotions on Jiang Wanyin's face had been unmistakable. 

A powerful rush of pure, unadulterated want and need poured into him. Now that Lan Xichen knew he had a chance, he wanted to act on his emotions.

He wanted to seduce Jiang Wanyin into admitting he loved him back. 

* * * * * *

The dinner was extra chatty as Jiang Wanyin apparently tried hard to appear normal by talking. His tone, however, was grouchy and snappy, a complete contradiction of his attempt to create conversation. Cloud Recesses' rule of no talking during eating was deeply ingrained within Lan Xichen, so he just smiled and nodded while Jiang Xian conversed back. 

After the dinner was cleared and Jiang Xian, who totally noticed his teacher's fidgetings, gave a warning look at Lan Xichen - accurately deducing that the taller man was the cause of Jiang Wanyin discomfort - and excused himself into his room, pleading exhaustion from this morning harvesting. He mouthed the words 'fix it!' and Lan Xichen nodded infinitesimally. 

As soon as Jiang Xian closed the door of his room, he waited a few more minutes before sitting in front of Jiang Wanyin. The smaller man was sitting on the floor with his back leaned against one of the house's pillars. He looked up at Lan Xichen questioningly. 

Every night for three months, Lan Xichen was being presented with this image of Jiang Wanyin - soft from the lack of responsibility with wild, unbound hair framing his face and spilling over his shoulder like the blackest ink and he decided that he loved seeing Jiang Wanyin like this. Every day, for the rest of his life. Shadows of red silhouettes from the nearby candles accentuated the sharp and untouchable beauty that Jiang Wanyin seemed to have. His fingers ached to touch that silky strands, to feel them sliding between and his lips burned for even the slightest of taste of a kiss. 

"It's time for your qi transferral.” He murmured.

“Oh.” Was that a disappointment that he heard from Jiang Wanyin’s lips?

The former sect leader leaned towards Lan Xichen, letting his eyes flutter closed, while the other man shuffled closer. He raised his fingers to gather his own qi before pressing the index and the middle fingers gently on Jiang Wanyin’s forehead. While his qi was being transferred, he contented himself to watch the shadows of eyelashes dance on top of the high cheekbones, taking apart each strand with wonders of what made him so irresistibly haunting. Because that was what he had done to him - Jiang Wanyin haunted his dreams with his mystical amethyst eyes, his cascading black tresses and his small smiles. 

If this was how a Lan fell in love, there was no wonder why his father secluded himself until he died and Lan Wangji played Inquiry every night. For a Lan, falling in love was no different than succumbing into madness. 

And Jiang Wanyin was both the cause and the cure for his madness.

He slowly leaned forward to follow his fingers with his own lips. He pressed a kiss on Jiang Wanyin’s forehead - as soft as a fluttering feather - and let his fingers trail downwards to the high bridge of his nose, across the cheek, along the sharp jaws and stopped at the pulse on his neck, resuming the qi transferral at another meridian point. Then, his lips retraced softly the path his fingers had trodden. The satiny skin beneath his lips felt heavenly, and Lan Xichen wanted more.

Nothing he took from and given by Jiang Wanyin would ever be enough. Lan Xichen wanted this man, this beautiful soul, for the rest of his life and the next and the next for eternity. 

Jiang Wanyin was confused. He felt Lan Xichen shift from the usual meridian point on his forehead to the one on his pulse at his neck. Lan Xichen had never done that before. And then he felt something light and soft caressing his face. It took him awhile to realise that it was Lan Xichen’s lips. So, he opened his eyes instantly in shock at the same time the lips had arrived at his pulse.

“Xi-Xichen…?” Jiang Wanyin whispered, too surprised to react. “Wh… what are you doing?”

The lips pressed harder on the soft skin, drawing a strangled, almost inaudible whine from Jiang Wanyin when he felt his whole body shudder in goosebumps. The warmth from the taller man’s body smothered him in a way that wasn’t unpleasant and not unwelcome. But still he whispered louder, “Xichen!”

Lan Xichen raised his head to look down at Jiang Wanyin’s wide, shocked eyes. Jiang Wanyin gasped softly at the way the amber eyes darkened, pupil blown wide and his lips quirked into a half smile. “I’m kissing your neck,” he answered gently.

Jiang Wanyin unconsciously raised his hands to grab a handful of Lan Xichen’s front robe - to push or to pull, he didn't know. His face was pink, his eyes were huge and he was still whispering furiously. “I’m damn well aware of that! But what are you doing?!” 

Lan Xichen took the fact Jiang Wanyin still hadn’t summoned his Zidian to lash him all the way to the border of Qishen as an encouraging sign. If Jiang Wanyin didn’t return even the slightest of his affection, the grouchy man would already say it so. This fact emboldened Lan Xichen. Furthermore, the embarrassment in his expression and his confused anger and his adoring pink cheeks all pointed to the truth that he had not allowed himself to think for months - The ferocious Sandu Shengshou was indeed inexperienced in all ways. In recognising his feelings, in receiving courtship, in returning affection and most of all, in bed. Lan Xichen inhaled deeply, trying so hard to rein in before spiralling further into his obsession. Subtle insinuation would not work on Jiang Wanyin, as innocent as he was. So, Lan Xichen raised his hands to cradle the curves of Jiang Wanyin face - his thumbs stroke gently along the jawbones to the soft spot under his ears. “What am I doing?” Lan Xichen said softly. “I’m trying to tell you that I feel the same way.”

Something delicious slithered along his body when he heard Lan Xichen’s deep, attractive voice. Still, Jiang Wanyin fought his body - and heart - reaction towards the Sect Leader Lan and snapped, “Feel what?”

A wide, beautiful smile spread over that unbearably handsome face that made Jiang Wanyin want to cry and run away from all these feelings Lan Xichen invoked within him. For all the goods in this world, how had Jiang Wanyin never realised how beautiful Lan Xichen was? He had known the man for twenty years. 

“That I was once aimless too, after the betrayal of my sworn brother. I was left hollow and purposeless and jaded of the world,” Lan Xichen murmured, eyes intensely dove into Jiang Wanyin’s. “That was until I went on a journey to find you - to discover you like I’ve never been before. Sweetheart… your capacity to love and to give despite the world turning itself against you astounds me. You showed me that not everything that is good and noble and strong is always made known or announced or revered. And that kind of goodness is the most beautiful of all.”

Jiang Wanyin’s mouth dropped open in shock at Lan Xichen’s confession and the pink cheeks blossomed into deep red. Lan Xichen wanted to weep at the look of stark honesty on the smaller man - he could see every emotion so clearly. At that moment, he knew that he would always know where he stood with Jiang Wanyin, that he would never be placated or deceived or even betrayed by a silver tongue. 

He had lost hope in ever finding sincerity in the people around him and now, he found it in the unlikeliest person.

He lowered his lips to Jiang Wanyin’s lips, hovered an inch apart, willing the other man to understand the depth of his feelings. “In my journey to find you, I have found myself instead.”

Jiang Wanyin drew a shaky breath in utter disbelief; tears pooled in his eyes, mirroring the glistening amber orb of the taller man. “Xichen…”

“Wanyin, I love you.”

* * * * * *

Chapter Text

“You- love me?” Jiang Wanyin breathed. “That’s not true…” He whispered in disbelief as he slowly pulled away from Lan Xichen. “That can’t be right.”

“Wanyin… what?” Lan Xichen’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “What’s not true?”

“You can’t love me. Surely, you’re mistaken,” The former sect leader shook his head, as if trying to convince Lan Xichen but sounded like he was trying to convince himself. 

Lan Xichen bit his lips at the heart-wrenching sight in front of him. A man who was so used to being cast aside by his family couldn’t seem to believe that someone was in love with him. “Why can’t I love you?” Lan Xichen kept his hold on Jiang Wanyin’s back of the neck, unwilling to let the man slip away from him. The position forced Jiang Wanyin to look at Lan Xichen’s face and he saw Lan Xichen’s patience and understanding.

“Jiang Wanyin, tell me, please.”

“I’m…” Jiang Wanyin swallowed hard. The urge to run away was unbelievably strong. Talking about his feelings and insecurity was something he hated because it was easier to ignore the screaming of the demons inside his head than to acknowledge that they were there. But Lan Xichen’s warm, soft gold eyes were mesmerising, capturing him motionless and rendering his legs useless that he couldn’t run away even if he wanted to. “I’m not…”

Lan Xichen watched the man in front of him struggle with his words. The expressive violet eyes shifted aside, hiding from him and Lan Xichen stroke his thumb along the high cheekbone and the soft skin under the eyes, coaxing those eyes to keep looking at him. Lan Xichen could almost see the poison inside Jiang Wanyin oozing - slimy, viscous and infected. The wound felt old and long untended. He wanted to know the reason for it.

“You’re not…?” Lan Xichen persuaded.

Jiang Wanyin swallowed hard once again, trying to find his voice and words. He knew saying it would make it real. Then, Lan Xichen would know - oh, he would know - and he would realise that he was wrong to think he was in love with him. 

“I’m… I’m not good.” Because he knew it to be true. 

He heard the soft gasp of disbelief escaped from Lan Xichen and Jiang Wanyin turned his head away in mortification - face red and skin clammy. Instantly, voices of the past came crashing in like a tsunami - unfettered and relentless, drowning him with all the reasons why he was not good. Ever.

Look at A-Ying! The first in his archery, swordplay and music class! A-Cheng you must follow him. You mustn’t be left behind.

This is your true son! The heir of Yunmeng Jiang. Why don’t you look at him closer?! Why do you prefer your ward compared to your own son? Was it because you were still in love with his mother?!  

Wei Ying understands our sect’s motto ‘Attempt the Impossible’. Why can’t you? You need to emulate your brother more!

A-Cheng, you know A-Xian is just teasing you. Don’t be too harsh on him and fight anymore. He is always like that; you need to give him leniency. Come, I’ve made A-Xian his favourite soup, let me get you a bowl as well. 

Look at him! I thought Wei Wuxian was a way better heir to Yunmeng Jiang compared to his younger brother. Why is he scowling like that all the time? I wouldn’t want to be friends with him in class at all. 

Ahahahaha! This is the heir of Jiang Sect? Listen to him whimpering at just a few lashes of disciplinary whip! What a weak heir! Rats in the street show better resilience than this boy. He is a disgrace to his dead parents. I bet his parents were relieved to be rid of him. Hahahah, does it mean, we’re doing them a favour?! Wen Zhuliu, crush his core!

Sect Leader Jiang Wanyin is a heartless, vicious man! Did you hear how he chases all of the demonic cultivators and tortures all them because he thinks Wei Wuxian might come back! How absurd! No one wants to befriend that monster! Evil man befits evil deeds!

Why does Sect Leader Jiang still want to go through this match-making process? Every maiden has rejected him. It’s unheard of a sect leader to be blacklisted. He must have been an unbearable grouch and definitely unlikable.

Take this sword and go to the banquet hall, to the training field, to anywhere you want and ask every single person you see to pull the sword out. See if any one of them can pull it out! And then you’ll know if I’m lying or not! Sect Leader Jiang—you, so driven of a person, have been comparing yourself to others your whole life, but you have to know that you never should’ve been able to equal him.

Jiang Cheng, I’m sorry.

You are ungrateful for what Wei Wuxian has done for you. If it weren’t for Wei Wuxian’s selflessness to give away his golden core, you would have been rotting away on the street of Yiling like the miserable man that you are. Go away, Sect Leader Jiang, you’re not welcome here anymore. Your time of begging forgiveness from him is over.

"Wanyin!" 

“Jiang Wanyin!” Lan Xichen whispered harshly again as he pulled the man closer to him. He pulled Jiang Wanyin onto his lap and forced him to face him again. Lan Xichen wanted to pull Jiang Wanyin away from the onslaught of the poisonous voices and bring him back to the present. Clearly, he was lost inside his head and Lan Xichen would never allow that. 

“Look at me, sweetheart, look at me. That's it... That's it. Listen to my voice, only my voice and ignore them all. You’re here with me.”

His fingers ran through Jiang Wanyin’s hair soothingly. “Don’t listen to the voices. Come back to me.”

Jiang Wanyin pushed through the cacophony of voices inside his head and tried to focus on the deep voice calling him. Slowly, his eyes rose up to meet the pale eyes, his own were wet with unshed tears. He saw the worry on the taller man’s face and he felt the warmth from his hands that were cradling his face. He heard the tender words falling from Lan Xichen’s mouth, "Yes, yes, open your eyes. I'm here and you're here. We're safe here," providing him an anchor for him to hold on to as the vicious, vicious words washed over him like tidal waves. 

He let his fingers curl around the fabric on Lan Xichen’s broad shoulders, tight and firm. With a few shuddering breaths, he said, “...I’m inadequate and weak and a disgrace to my parents. I’m selfish, competitive, vain and prideful. I’m evil, vicious and heartless. I’m never equalled to my sworn brother even with his core and I should have been rotting away on the streets of Yiling…,” He echoed the poisonous voices as two slivers of tears slipped down to his cheek silently. “I’m not good, Zewu-Jun. You can’t love me. You don’t want to love me. All the things they said about me are true.”

Lan Xichen’s heart had never been as hurtful as it was now. The wounds within Jiang Wanyin were too deep, and too infected - the damage had been inflicted a long time ago. Each condescending remark, each playful jab, each insensitive teasing, each word of disappointment, each whisper of fear and bitterness and vileness, and each broken promise added layers of wound - one upon the other - every one of them still bleed, unhealed and uncared for. 

Jiang Wanyin was incapable of even imagining someone else to love him.

That realisation caused Lan Xichen to shed his own tears. The man within his lap was too broken and he didn’t even believe that there was somebody out there who would want to pick up the pieces. He was so accustomed to give that he didn’t believe he was worthy to receive anything in return. At this moment, in the darkest corner of his heart, Lan Xichen cursed everybody who inflicted wounds on Jiang Wanyin - from the late Jiang Fengmian to the Wens, to the cultivation world, and mostly to Wei Wuxian, who probably had caused the deepest and the most painful cut of all because Jiang Wanyin had loved his brother the most. 

His rage was an unyielding tempest and if he saw any of them now, Lan Xichen would not be responsible for any of his actions.

He took a deep breath, tempering his rage. Using his thumbs, he wiped the tear streaks on the pale cheeks gently before raising his fingers to run through the midnight-coloured strands - silky and smooth between his fingers. His touches were gentle and reverent, as if he couldn't believe someone so strong and yet, so fragile would allow Lan Xichen to caress him like this even amidst all the pain. He was acutely aware of the way the amethyst eyes were looking at him, studying him and wondering about him. And he let him. Lan Xichen allowed all the love he felt for Jiang Wanyin to be shown, willing the man to believe him - that despite everything that he thought he was, Lan Xichen was always going to be in love with him. 

He then dipped his head down to press a soft, lingering kiss on Jiang Wanyin’s forehead. He tightened his hold around Jiang Wanyin’s waist, pulling him closer until their bodies were merely a breath apart and allowed his lips to pepper soft, fluttering kisses starting from the forehead, down to the aristocratic nose bridge, before making their way to the cheeks - his lips carved into a contented smile against the soft skin when he felt Jiang Wanyin’s lashes brush seductively against his own skin. He let his love wash over Jiang Wanyin’s wordlessly because words had been doing nothing but hurting the former sect leader all his life and this time, Lan Xichen wanted to show Jiang Wanyin of his affection. He wanted him to know how much touching him, no matter how slight and soft it was, brought him such an untold pleasure. Lan Xichen craved the warmth of the satiny skin and the earthy, lotus scents permeated within each inch of that skin. Each soft kiss deepened his addiction and his obsession. 

For the longest time, words were not spoken. Under the red and yellow light of the candles around them, they allowed the intimacy to rise as the only sound that was heard was the breathings shared between them. Lan Xichen pressed his lips on Jiang Wanyin’s cheeks, forehead, nose, along the prominent jawline, temple and all over the face in an unhurried manner, as if they have all the time in the world to savour their closeness. Jiang Wanyin, in return, basked in Lan Xichen’s tender attentions silently, feeling his own heart bursting through the ribcage - he had shied away from love for so long that he wondered whether he had the courage to accept it this time. 

Could he survive another broken promise? Another betrayal? 

Eventually, Lan Xichen’s lips ended their long, languid journey at the contour of Jiang Wanyin’s ear and he whispered softly, breaking the silent cocoon surrounding them. “I just want to love you, Wanyin…” His voice was deep and trembling. “With every beating in my heart, for every breath that I take, and for the rest of my life, I just want to love you.” Lan Xichen closed his eyes, his emotions were too great to be contained anymore, so he let them pour out for Jiang Wanyin. “I will be content with whatever you’re willing to share if you would just allow me to stay with you.”

“But… I’m not-” 

Lan Xichen shook his head vehemently. “Wanyin, you’re not just good. You’re a miracle. I’ve fallen in love with you before I even found you. I‘ve fallen in love with you only from second hand tales from the people who love you and now I have spent my time with you, I realise the stories don’t do you justice. Every single thing that you perceive as your flaws endears me and each of your perfection tells me I am merely uncovering the surface of your boundless loyalty and protectiveness and honesty and capacity to love.”

Jiang Wanyin’s eyes were wide with uncertainty - wanting desperately but still unable to believe. But he was now willing to listen; willing to finally hear words of kindness and love and not words of disappointments and viciousness.

“You have been burned by everyone who should have loved and protected you and yet, despite it all, you still find the capacity to love Jin Ling, Jiang Xian and all of Yunmeng Jiang orphans - to love and care for all of your disciples and your people. You have shown me the strength to love amongst all the pain from being betrayed by your own sworn brother and I know - now know I have that strength to move on as well. All this time, I have been blinded by Sandu Shengshou and never got to know Jiang Wanyin.”

“Even if it takes me for the rest of my long, long life to convince you that it was me, who needs to convince you that I am good - that I deserve you, that I have earned you, I will do it. Because I have never felt like this to anyone before and I don’t want to let it go,” The vehement tone had turned into pleading one. “I want you, Jiang Wanyin - all of you - the bad and the good, the ghosts and the demons and the poisons inside of you. I want your sarcasm, your jaded view of the world and all of your harshness. And-  and I also want all the sweetness within you as well.”

Lan Xichen gave a soft, hopeful smile when he looked at Jiang Wanyin’s face. He took the final plunge, hoping his words would reach the smaller man. “My heart,” he whispered, low and desperate and full of yearning. “...I just want you in any way that you would allow me to have.”  

The silence fell around him for the longest time as Lan Xichen patiently and anxiously waited as Jiang Wanyin struggled to break through the walls of insecurity and doubts that had caged him in. Eventually, Jiang Wanyin spoke up. “And… I mean- if one day, you found me to be below your expectation…” Because he had struggled all his life to meet everyone’s expectation and the pain that came when he failed was something he never wanted to experience ever again.

“Expectation?” Lan Xichen echoed in disbelief. “Wanyin, you’ve exceeded every one of my expectations. You are beyond my wildest dream and my highest aspiration. I cannot dream of meeting someone better than you. How could you ever disappoint me?”

“You- you love me?” Jiang Wanyin asked in the smallest voice.

“Like I feel I am succumbing into madness.” Lan Xichen confirmed as he tightened his grasp around Jiang Wanyin’s slim waist. Happiness crept into his heart as victory was within his grasp.

“I’ve been told that I am unlovable…” Jiang Wanyin attempted again. 

“And yet I still fall in love with you. Your source was unreliable.” Lan Xichen countered - he had a feeling that this was something that would become normal conversation between them. But if it made Jiang Wanyin doubt him less and less each day, Lan Xichen would convince him everyday for the rest of their life. 

“I have a sharp-tongue and a harsh personality. You might find me too abrasive.”

“Then, it’s a good thing I have the most forgetting and forgiving heart.”

“My core is too weak to be paired with the great Zewu-Jun.”

“That’s why we have dual cultivation.”

Jiang Wanyin frowned. “I have years and years of baggage to carry. I have nightmares. You may think it too troublesome.”

“I have nightmares too; I think I’m strong enough to carry for both of us.” Lan Xichen smiled softly back.

“I’m not perfect.”

Lan Xichen laughed self-deprecatingly. “Neither am I. Jin Guangyao lied to me and used me for twenty years and I realised none of it. Gullibility is my flaw.” 

Something intense burned in Jiang Wanyin’s eyes at the nonchalant way Lan Xichen said that. He could see the unfathomable pain in Lan Xichen’s eyes that he had clumsily tried to hide. Rage at the Jin Guangyao for using this unearthly kind man bubbled within Jiang Wanyin, and suddenly, he was the one who wanted to take all the pain away. He grasped Lan Xichen’s jaw using both of his hands to ensure he could meet the taller man’s eyes. “I would never do that to you, Xichen.” he said softly and surely. “I don’t have it in me. What you see in me is exactly what I am,” he echoed the words Lan Xichen uttered the first night they went night-hunting.

Lan Xichen’s breath hitched in surprise, never knowing how much he needed to hear those words. He wanted an assurance that the kindness he believed lay within people was not a lie - that there was still some truth left after his world had been shattered. And heaven had answered his prayer by giving Jiang Wanyin. 

Jiang Wanyin’s stark honesty and fierce loyalty were the oasis in the middle of the desert. Lan Xichen had lost his belief in the goodness of people - jaded and hollow as he was less than a year ago and getting to know Jiang Wanyin had saved him from the cynicism. To see those traits being presented to him - solely and especially for him, he knew he must kiss this beautiful man in front of him before he burst into flame. He brought his lips to hover a breath away from Jiang Wanyin’s lips. “Wanyin, will you allow me to kiss you?” he whispered urgently - desperately. "Please?" 

Blushes rose at the sudden plea and his eyes wide in surprise. But he nodded his head slowly; hesitant to accept his first kiss but full with anticipation.

At the assent, Lan Xichen lowered his lips, tilted slightly to fit the contour of those pink, narrow lips into his. If Jiang Wanyin’s face had felt satiny against his lips, the feel of the smaller man’s velvety lips against his own sensitive ones was heavenly. He moved his lips carefully along the ridge of Jiang Wanyin’s lips, exploring the surface - moist, warm and salty from the previous tears. He felt ragged breaths escape from those lips as he deepened his kiss, wanting to taste more - wanting to feel more -, and he groaned deeply in response to Jiang Wanyin’s soft whine. Tentatively, he used his lips and the tip of his tongue to beg for entrance into that tempting mouth and it took a few attempts before Jiang Wanyin understood what was requested from him. 

He felt Jiang Wanyin jerk slightly back in surprise, but he held on firmly, nipping the flushed lips softly and teasingly, as he reassured the man. The innocence displayed was both heart-breaking and arousing and it fed into his own endless spiral of obsession. He reined himself back from pinning the man to the floor. Instead he waited patiently. Jiang Wanyin gradually let go of his initial surprise as he relaxed and began to lean forward against Lan Xichen once again. When the taller man felt Jiang Wanyin slowly part his lips, he slid his hands upwards - feeling victorious - from the waist to cradle the curve of Jiang Wanyin’s jaw as he slipped his tongue into the opened mouth and took in the taste for the first time, for the rest of his life.

Oh, oh… for all the good in this world, Jiang Wanyin’s mouth felt so soft, wet, and incredibly addicting. It tasted of hints of the previous dinner, the remnant of lotus-infused rice wine - sweet and heady, but it also tasted salty with sadness and tragedy and a tinge of steel from his strength and perseverance to plough through life in spite of everything. 

Jiang Wanyin tasted of everything that Lan Xichen had waited for all his life.

And the sound that Jiang Wanyin let out was so innocently seductive. The usual harsh tone went deep with want for each stroke of Lan Xichen made on his tongue as the taller man explored deeper into the tempting cavern. For every breathless moan that Jiang Wanyin gave him, something primal and hot within Lan Xichen twisted and turned in delicious anticipation.

Lan Xichen never knew of a kiss this immersive. He had kissed professional courtesans - male and female - but none of them made him feel like this. None of them made him feel like he had just had a slice of heaven on his lips, on his tongue and within his arms. Jiang Wanyin fitted so well, encased on his lap and in his embrace just like he was made especially for him. And Lan Xichen felt like he had trained his arms to be this strong just so he could hold this man with all of his insecurity and anxiety and demons. Jiang Wanyin was half of his incomplete soul, the cure of his grief and the path towards happiness. 

Now that Lan Xichen knew the taste of Jiang Wanyin’s lips, he would never be content with the taste of other people’s. His lips would never touch any other person anymore. 

The kiss lasted so long that both of them lost the track of time. When Lan Xichen finally lifted his lips, he smiled triumphantly at the sight of red, swollen, wet lips and a pair of dazed, violet eyes. He knew his own eyes mirrored the same. With his thumb touching the soft lips, he murmured, “I do love you, Jiang Wanyin… please don’t tell me that I can’t. I don’t know how to stop.” The words were laced with unbelievable tenderness.

Jiang Wanyin raised his own hand to allow his own fingers to trace the pale, jade-like skin of Lan Xichen’s face in absolute wonder. He caressed the skin beneath the pale, golden eyes, down to those rosy, experienced lips that had given him the first kiss. This man was so beautiful and unearthly - how could he ever measure? He was a fucking mess - why would Lan Xichen ever bother? But still a part of him wanted to take the plunge. He wanted to take one last chance. He wanted to trust in love; that perhaps, this time, love would not hurt. Maybe with a person as good as Lan Xichen, he would not bleed any longer. Maybe all the ghosts and demons could be quelled. 

Maybe he could stop drowning.

With a soft disbelief in his tone and with all the strength within him, he let go of his fear and whispered tentatively back, “You are my miracle… I have given up on everything, hiding myself away from all the pain, but suddenly, you showed up out of nowhere. You picked up all the pieces that were shattered and you anchored me from drifting away.”

He looked into Lan Xichen’s eyes - unafraid for the first time since these emotions for the man in front of him haunted him. He was ready to stop denying the love he had for Lan Xichen and embraced the inevitability of it because as sure as he was to the rising of the sun tomorrow, he was also sure of his own feelings to Lan Xichen. “I was adrift and lost and I tried to hide from you, but you wouldn’t allow it…” He smiled tremulously, softening all the hard edges. 

Feeling brave for the first time since that night at the Guanyin Temple, Jiang Wanyin said softly, “Lan Xichen… my heart favours you too much to deny you any longer.”

Lan Xichen smiled the brightest at those words. Jiang Wanyin returned the happiness with his own smile. 

“I love you too.”

* * * * * *

The next morning, Jiang Xian was awakened to the sound of Jiang-laoshi and Zewu-Jun laughing. After a brief search, the youth smiled widely when he saw the pair were back in the pond to resume yesterday's abandoned activity to plant the lotuses. They were teasing each other, playfully flicking the mud back and forth and yet, still attempting to shove deep the sprouts into the mud.

Something clearly was resolved last night. Whatever discomfort or misunderstanding Jiang-laoshi felt had been soothed over by Zewu-Jun. Jiang-laoshi was the happiest that Jiang Xian had ever seen. 

With a gentle smirk in his face, Jiang Xian knew he would need to have the talk with Zewu-Jun soon. Zewu-Jun would soon know how protective he was to his father.

* * * * * *

“What is your plan now, Zewu-Jun?” Jiang Xian asked. Both of them were sitting on the big boulder that Lan Xichen had claimed as his own spot for meditation since the first day he arrived here. The young cultivator pressed on when Zewu-Jun gave a questioning hum. “I know Jiang-laoshi is exceedingly fond of you. And you are to him. So, what is your plan?”

Zewu-Jun looked at Jiang Xian. Sitting side-by-side like this, Jiang Xian so very nearly matched his height and his own broad shoulders. “I’m not sure what you mean, Jiang-gongzi?”

“You are a sect leader, Zewu-Jun. You have a responsibility and a duty to go back to Gusu Lan. I can clearly see your affection for Jiang-laoshi and how fond he is of you,” Jiang Xian nodded his head towards his benefactor who was fussing over the lotuses in the lake. The man was quite a way away to be listening to them.  

“Ah…” Zewu-Jun smiled softly. “Nothing gets past you. I suppose it is your astuteness that led you to accompany him here?”

Jiang Xian shrugged. “Jiang-laoshi should have known better by now. I would never let him go anywhere alone. Plus, he’s too proud to ask for any kind of assistance even when he clearly needs it.”

“Do you…” Zewu-Jun hesitated slightly. “Do you oppose me, for loving your teacher?”

Jiang Xian’s eyebrows raised in surprise at how easy the word love fell from Zewu-Jun’s lips, as if this feeling was not something new for the First Jade. As if Zewu-Jun had fallen in love with Jiang-laoshi way before he even arrived here. Which was impossible, right? Because if Jiang-laoshi and Zewu-Jun were even remotely close, Jiang Xian would know. If it had happened in Lotus Pier, Jiang Xian would know. After all, he knew all three snobbish, entitled candidates that the matchmaker had shoved upon Jiang-laoshi. He knew which children in the orphanage was Jiang-laoshi’s favourite. Hell, if Ling-di wanted to know something about Lotus Pier that Jiang-laoshi was reluctant to divulge, Ling-di would go to him and not Zhou-daye.

“What I am concerned about...” Jiang Xian began as he gave a side glance to the older man beside him. “Is that Jiang-laoshi has never fallen in love. He has quitted the cultivation world and you have responsibility to your sect as a sect leader. I don’t see how this is going to end well. So, I respectfully have to ask you again, Zewu-Jun, what is your plan?”

Jiang Xian had the briefest moment of self-satisfaction when he saw Zewu-Jun’s mouth gape like a fish. “Because if there is anything that I hate the most is seeing Jiang-laoshi get hurt and I have seen that all my life.” He gave his best threatening glare.

“I…” Zewu-Jun stammered and immediately, Jiang Xian felt something akin to anger began to boil within him.

He hopped off the boulder and stood tall in front of Zewu-Jun, using his tall stature and Zewu-Jun’s sitting position to his advantage to loom over the older man. Hands akimbo and eyebrows furrowed close - a gesture that he had copied from his own teacher whenever Jiang-laoshi was mad -, Jiang Xian growled. “Zewu-Jun! Jiang-laoshi doesn’t do one-night affairs, he doesn’t do flings and he certainly doesn’t appreciate being led on. He had given up his youth for our sect, for Yunmeng people, for Ling-di and for me, and that makes all of us very protective of him. So, if you plan to give him a pretense of love for your own short-term amusement-”

“I would never!” Zewu-Jun exclaimed as he hopped off the boulder as well and stood tall in front of him, taking away the height advantage but at this point, Jiang Xian was mad enough to simply don’t care anymore. “I would never take advantage of Jiang Wanyin!”

“Really?” Jiang Xian asked sceptically. “How do you propose to solve this situation? Your three-month is up, Sect Leader Lan.”

“It’s not something that we have discussed yet, Xian-gongzi,” Zewu-Jun spoke up. “But I’m well aware of this. I’m even dreading this. I know of my responsibilities as a sect leader way before this. When I decided to act on my feelings, I knew of the ramification but still I couldn’t help myself. But please know, whatever path I take, I will never, ever make Jiang Wanyin sad.”

“Nobody ever chooses him, Zewu-Jun.” Jiang Xian explained patiently. “From what I heard from Zhou-daye, his father and his sister chose Wei Wuxian, his mother chose jealousy and Wei Wuxian chose everyone else above his own sworn brother. You may think the path that you are going to choose is the path that leads to goodness and righteousness, but if you didn’t choose him, it makes no difference anyway.” 

“Jiang-laoshi lived his whole life being an outcast and being a simple afterthought amongst his family. And yet he still loves them so unconditionally. But because of them, he had stopped expecting something in return for his love. I know that because I am one of the lucky ones who receives that kind of unconditional love. But I also know that any gesture of love I showed back to him is always met with the same surprise and shock as if he couldn’t believe he was loved back.”

Zewu-Jun looked pensive for a few moments as if he was thinking of something. “What are you saying?”

“All I’m saying is that, if you’re faced with difficult choices in the future and if you want to keep his love and our respect, all you have to do is choose him. Choose to be with him. More than anybody else; more than anything else,” Jiang Xian said harshly. “Because nobody ever did.”

Love and fear were clearly on Jiang Xian’s face. Lan Xichen understood that. He understood that fear intimately for he feared hurting the man that he loved too.

“Jiang Xian…” Zewu-Jun said softly because he wanted Jiang Xian to understand something about him as well. “I cannot be without him. It is not a choice for me to make anymore.”

Jiang Xian’s eyes widened at those words. Suddenly he was seeing Zewu-Jun in a different light. He recalled all the patience and mild humour he had given to his short-tempered teacher throughout the three months he was here - not once had he lost his patience -, and Jiang Xian finally realised that Zewu-Jun was telling the truth. 

“You really love him, huh?” Jiang Xian said as a small smile began to quirk at the corners of his mouth. 

Zewu-Jun laughed, sounding like chimes in the wind. “It is said that a Lan only loves once in his life. And that love either burns them up to heaven or down to ashes.”

“Oh, I don’t know whether it sounds romantic or just plain creepy.” Jiang Xian chuckled.

“Hopefully romantic.” Zewu-Jun threw a soft, longing look at Jiang Wanyin, who was still amongst the lotuses, looking every inch like an elusive, beautiful water spirit. “I did promise him the rest of my life, after all.”

Jiang Xian looked at Zewu-Jun fondly. He decided that he could learn to like the older man.

* * * * * * 

The next two months after that fateful night where they confessed their feelings to each other were the happiest time in Jiang Wanyin’s life. They quickly realised that Jiang Wanyin’s core, even though it had improved immensely compared to five months ago, would still need qi transferral every two or three days, depending on his usage. The night-hunt had helped Jiang Wanyin to gauge the fluctuation within his core and help him adapt to the changes for better forms of attacks and defense. No longer would the core suddenly die on him during night-hunting, instead he could plan his attacks and defenses so that he could ration his qi for it to last or at least until Zewu-Jun could assist him. 

It took a long time for Jiang Wanyin to train himself to accept Lan Xichen’s assistance without feeling wretched and like a total failure. He knew he had to adapt to this kind of crippling in his core and he had to accept that needing help did not mean he was failing himself. Lan Xichen, on the other hand, trained himself to trust Jiang Wanyin more in the night-hunting; he trusted Jiang Wanyin to not push himself and he trusted him to ask for help if he needed it during night-hunting.

And the colour of Zidian gradually was regaining its previous bright purple shade and Sandu didn’t feel as heavy as he was before.

With Lan Xichen constantly beside him, Jiang Wanyin had begun venturing outside of his sanctuary and into the village nearby. The ghosts were still there, whispering acid words in the times of anxiety and insecurity, but Jiang Wanyin had regained a semblance of his former self. Lan Xichen had the pleasure of watching those narrow shoulders set themselves back in confidence and that sculpture of jaw and chin rose in the familiar pride. The thought that he had somehow contributed to this transformation left a perpetual feeling of happiness, pride and most of all, love. 

In return, Jiang Wanyin had given him back nights without nightmares and a heart without mistrust. There was something so reassuring at the sight of those clear, expressive amethyst eyes that weren’t able to hide anything. Each thoughtful and loving gesture that Lan Xichen gave to Jiang Wanyin, those eyes reflect the owner’s feeling of love and disbelief and trust. Lan Xichen knew, without a doubt, Jiang Wanyin loved him back with the same ferocity as he did.

During one of their trips to the village, they had shared laughs and teasing words as they strolled along the streets of the village. They sampled the food, getting to know the townspeople and admired the products sold. They purchased tickets for a modest musical show and a surprisingly good opera. 

Nowadays, Jiang Wanyin had kept his hair down with the upper section of his hair tied up carelessly and messily with the same, single lime ribbon everyday. The ribbon did poorly to hold back his hair that strands of black ink hair kept falling down to his face. Lan Xichen loved looking at Jiang Wanyin like this, but he also wanted to buy something for his partner. So, when Jiang Wanyin was preoccupied with some sweet manju, Lan Xichen had secretly gone to the booth that sold simple hair ornaments and acquired a length of purple and white velvet ribbon and a silver hair ornament that was the shape of eight-petal lotus. Both of them complemented each other perfectly. And impulsively, he also acquired a black, shiny lacquered comb with clouds and mountains motives.

When they stepped down from their own swords in front of their home that night, flushed with happiness and exhilaration from their trip to the village, Jiang Wanyin’s lime ribbon had slipped half-way down and the wind had tousled the hair into uncontrollable mane. Lan Xichen had seen people decked with expensive clothes, elaborated hairdos with the best of face-paint techniques, but nothing could ever compare to the beauty of this man in front of him - clothes skewed, wild hair and pink cheeks. 

And his fingers itched to run through those silky strands. 

As they walked into the house as quietly as possible as not to disturb Jiang Xian, Lan Xichen immediately grabbed Jiang Wanyin’s wrist before the man could retire to his own room. Jiang Wanyin turned around with a question in his face, soft and exquisite in the dark, and Lan Xichen simply yearned for more.

“Will you allow me to brush your hair?” Lan Xichen said softly.

“N- now?” Jiang Wanyin asked in uncertainty. 

“If you didn’t untangle the knots before you go to sleep, it would take twice as long tomorrow to sort it out.” Lan Xichen implored. “Please…?”

Jiang Wanyin nodded his head and Lan Xichen entered the room. He gestured to the smaller man to sit on the low stool, facing away, as he sat on the edge of the bed. With an initial reverent touch, Lan Xichen ran his fingers through the hair, silently admiring the softness as his heart beat with tenderness. Once the harshest of tangles had been unravelled by his fingers, he took out the comb from his inner robe’s pocket and began the meditative and repetitive movement as he ran the fine-tooth comb along the hair. He started out in the middle of the back hair, raising up the long end of the strands as they spilled over his palm and sorted out the ends. Then he moved outwards to both sides until he reached the shorter hair around the ears and noted with affection the strands were curled slightly at the temples and the corners of his forehead - perhaps due to years of braiding the sides of the hair.

“Your hair has gotten so long, and it feels so good in my hands, Wanyin…” He whispered softly.

Jiang Wanyin blushed and he was glad the dimmed candles hid most of his shyness. Lan Xichen's big hands gathered his thick tresses without any difficulty and full of expertise. No doubt the man had done this many times before. But to whom? Jiang Wanyin quickly squashed the emerging jealousy within him. Whomever Lan Xichen had been with in the past was not his concern - Lan Xichen was with him here, right now and that was all that mattered. 

“I have no idea how nice it feels. No one has ever done this to me,” he confided. He was the bravest with his feelings in the moments like this; where the darkness hid his vulnerability and Lan Xichen’s presence provided comfort.

The movement halted a second, surprise, before Lan Xichen resumed. “What about when you were a child? Surely, someone had taught you?”

Jiang Wanyin kept his eyes closed, savouring the soft touches as he answered, “Taught? Yes. Showed me how? Sure. But touching my hair? No, never - not for as long as I can remember.”

“Oh, sweetheart…” Lan Xichen sighed sadly. Even though he had spent only a small fraction of his life with his mother, he could still recall the way her soft, thin hands combed his hair as a child. It was one of his most treasured memories of his mother. 

“Why do you sound sad, Xichen?” Jiang Wanyin turned around to look at him. “Don’t be, it was just the way it was.” He raised his hand to caress his partner’s cheek in comfort and felt his heart quicken when Lan Xichen turned his head towards his hand and kissed the centre of his callous palm and dragged his lips to each of his fingers.

"There will be no such thing with me," Lan Xichen insisted. "If you think I'm going to be just like everybody else before, you're going to be mistaken."

The violet eyes studied the determination lining his partner's expression. "Will I?" The almond-shaped eyes softened in deepest affection. 

Lan Xichen leaned down to kiss a Jiang Wanyin's temple and cheek. "In the best possible ways," He promised huskily. 

Jiang Wanyin lowered his eyes shyly. Lan Xichen was always so free with his words and feelings that it had often left him flustered. The man was shameless. 

“Wanyin… I want to lay down with you tonight,” Lan Xichen murmured, keeping Jiang Wanyin’s hand firmly within his own. “I want to feel you close to me. Will you let me?” The amber eyes gleamed in intensity.

“Oh-” Jiang Wanyin breathed in, surprised. “But it will be quite a tight fit. I don’t know whether you’ll be comfortable.”

Lan Xichen smiled at the innocence displayed, marvelling for the countless times how lucky he was to be with this man, like this at this moment. “We’ll make it work."

They went about with their night routine before settling in for the night. It was a tight fit just as Jiang Wanyin had predicted - his modest bed was always meant for one person. They shifted around with Lan Xichen chuckling and Jiang Wanyin grousing at each elbow jarred and head bumped. Eventually, they found the most comfortable - well, at least a compromised - position. Lan Xichen, who had the broader shoulders and taller frame, lay on the bed while Jiang Wanyin lay on him. The Sect Leader Lan tucked his partner's head in the curve of his shoulder and neck with his own arm wrapped around the slim waist, pulling the smaller man closer. 

"How is this comfortable?" Jiang Wanyin grumbled. "Are you sure you want to spend the night like this? I'm going to crush you in your sleep." 

Lan Xichen merely hummed in utter contentment and he kept his hold on Jiang Wanyin even tighter until he felt him fall asleep. He smiled because for all his protests, Jiang Wanyin was comfortable and secured enough to let go his insecurities this quick. 

Sighing deeply, Lan Xichen allowed his lips to rest on the former sect leader’s forehead, inhaling the familiar scent of earth and lotus. His heartbeat thrummed in slow and steady tandem, savouring the long-awaited peace that he felt amidst the darkness - no longer was he dreading the night time. No longer was he dreading the inevitable nightmares cultivated by his guilt and grief over Nie Mingjue’s death and his anger and hurt over Jin Guangyao’s betrayal. He let the solid presence of Jiang Wanyin beside him act as his anchor. He let the sounds of his partner’s soft breathings and the feel of soft wisps of the silky hair and the warmth of his hand on his own chest pushed away all of his own ghosts to the deepest and unreachable corner of his mind. 

With Jiang Wanyin sleeping beside him, Lan Xichen finally allowed himself to really forgive himself for his part in perpetuating Jin Guangyao’s long list of crimes. Oh, he knew the ghosts would probably never go away, but with Jiang Wanyin with him, Lan Xichen thought perhaps he would finally have the courage and strength to stop existing and to begin living.

Perhaps he could throw away the hollow and serene mask that he had been wearing ever since he entered and exited the seclusion.

Perhaps, this love could save him.

Perhaps, this love could allow him to thrive.

Perhaps this love would be the one that the heavens used to intertwin their souls for all eternity.

How could Lan Xichen want for anything more?

* * * * * * 

The promised three-month period was extended into six months. Before he knew it, Lan Xichen had been away from Gusu Lan Sect for one year already. The longer he was away from his sect, the more he was reluctant to return back to his sect. The feeling was totally unprecedented because his whole life revolved around Cloud Recesses - his loyalty and heart were always with Gusu Lan Sect. It was his home.

But nowadays, the thought of leaving Jiang Wanyin to go back to Gusu Lan Sect brought such a distaste within his heart. He tried to imagine him going back to the sect and he tried to imagine Jiang Wanyin living here without him. All that came out from his head was the initial image of a pale, thin wraith-like young man, sitting at the edge of the pier. That image scared him so much, fearing that any separation between them would bring back that hollowed and listless man that Jiang Wanyin was six months ago. He also feared without Jiang Wanyin next to him, it would also cause the ghosts of Jin Guangyao and Nie Mingjue to come haunting back his nights. 

Plus, the thoughts of the waiting responsibilities as a sect leader when he came back and the possible tiring disapproval and animosity from his uncle and his younger brother further caused the reticence within him to return home. He knew how much his uncle wanted him to settle down with respected cultivator women and siring heirs. He also knew how much Lan Wangji loathed Jiang Wanyin and the mere thought of it caused Lan Xichen’s blood boil. 

But he hated confrontation. He hated confrontation with his family even more.

So, he could plan and plan and plan, but Jiang Wanyin was beautiful and enticing and miraculous and so, so lovable, that Lan Xichen didn’t want to do anything to disturb this. These six months were the happiest he had ever been, and Lan Xichen was greedy and selfish to let go of these feelings.

Naturally fate intervened.

It was one of their weekly trips to one of the nearby villages. Usually they stayed together, but Lan Xichen had wanted to surprise Jiang Wanyin with a ticket to an opera show and a dinner at the nearby restaurant, so he told Jiang Wanyin to proceed with his own supplies shopping. An indulgent glance of those pair of amethyst eyes told Lan Xichen that Jiang Wanyin knew what he was up to, so he just smiled radiantly back to his shorter partner and walked away.

Jiang Wanyin lingered his stare on Lan Xichen’s back, feeling his heartbeats quicken at the attractive silhouette of that strong form and a rush of… want filled him. Flushed at this thought, Jiang Wanyin turned around and hurried on. Since that first night they shared the bed, Lan Xichen took the liberty to keep him company almost every night. Except for a few kisses, they didn’t do anything more. Jiang Wanyin might not have most of the knowledge of this area, but he was beginning to suspect Lan Xichen was also as clueless as he was. Maybe Lan Xichen was also waiting for him to do something?

Well, tough luck! Beyond kissing and a few quick releases in the bathroom, Jiang Wanyin knew shit what else was there.

And- and damn it! He was not a shameless person! He wasn’t brave enough to initiate anything - for both the lack of knowledge and the lack of courage. There was a reason why he stayed away from any relationship all his life - women didn’t find his lack of experience was an attractive feature. Well… aside from his cheery dispositions. Sandu Shengshou persona was a powerful deterrence for any possible chance of relationship. 

As he was mulling over this conundrum, a loud voice calling his name caused his heart to stop in shock. “JIANG CHENG! JIANG CHENG!”

Wide eyes and mouth dropped in disbelief when he saw Wei Wuxian waved his hands like a maniac and as usual, Hanguang-Jun shadowed his husband close. Wei Wuxian was glowing, probably as the result of having his original core reinserted back. For all the bullshit Wei Wuxian spouted about not wanting his core back, Jiang Wanyin knew he did the right thing. The health and the radiance shined on Wei Wuxian’s face reminded him so much of the young Wei Wuxian before everything went to hell. Before he had the stupidest idea ever of giving Jiang Wanyin his core. But at the same time, Jiang Wanyin was acutely aware of his own unhealthy hue from the defective Mo Xuanyu’s core that he was still trying to mend that his first initial, panicked response was to flee and that was what he did. He turned around and ran through the crowd and away from the market. He didn’t really think about where he was going. He just ran blindly.

Fuck! Fuck! He thought wildly. What the hell are they doing here? How did they even find me?! 

He could hear Wei Wuxian and Hanguang-Jun’s steps behind him. The cultivation partners were clearly not giving up on him. Jiang Wanyin used his familiarity of the village to slip through all possible shortcuts in between buildings, avoiding people and barriers. He knew his core was no match for prolonged escape so he planned to disappear before both of them could even realise. After a while, he didn’t hear Wei Wuxian’s voice calling him and he didn’t hear the footsteps chasing after him.

Jiang Wanyin halted his feet as he took a short breather. Now that he was alone, he felt his breaths shortened and sweats trickling down his temple as panic began to swallow him whole. Thoughts jumbled up in his mind and they whispered of a vicious future of him being forced back into the cultivation world. He just wanted to be left alone. Why couldn’t Wei Wuxian respect even that? Why did he have to contradict every single wish that Jiang Wanyin had?

Nothing Jiang Wanyin said or did had ever gone through Wei Wuxian!

Wei Wuxian just had to keep on pushing and pushing him. Even after Jiang Wanyin had broken, he still needed to push his way into Jiang Wanyin’s life. 

“Wanyin…?” 

Jiang Wanyin felt the hand on his shoulder before he heard the voice. It startled him badly into a vicious jerk as Jiang Wanyin pushed himself away from the person behind me.

Lan Xichen’s eyes were wide in shock at the white-pale colour and the streaming tears and heaving breaths. The last time he saw Jiang Wanyin this panic was when he first surprised him with his sudden appearance six months ago. With his hands up in calming down motion, he allowed his voice to drop in a hushing manner. “Wanyin… what- what happened?”

“Xi- Xichen?” Jiang Wanyin stammered, seeing his partner for the first time.

“It’s me, sweetheart. It’s me,” He opened his arms invitingly and Jiang Wanyin rushed in willingly, grateful for the offer of comfort.

Lan Xichen allowed a few moments for Jiang Wanyin, but inside his head churned in speculation. Who could have rattled Jiang Wanyin so badly like this? They had visited this village many, many times before and as far as he could remember, the townspeople were friendly and none of them knew about their own identity as cultivators. And whomever it was, they clearly had the power to threaten Jiang Wanyin. Lan Xichen’s amber eyes narrowed and his hands itched to hurt the person who had hurt Jiang Wanyin.

Jiang Wanyin eventually pulled away but still refused to leave the sanctuary of Lan Xichen’s arms. “Sorry. I’m sorry.” He reached up to furiously wipe away the tears. What the hell is wrong with me?

Astutely deducing Jiang Wanyin was trying to hide away, Lan Xichen quickly grasped Jiang Wanyin face to face up to his own. He bit his lips in worry at the cold skin underneath his fingertips. “Tell me, please, don’t hide away.” 

“I saw Wei Wuxian and Hanguang-Jun,” Jiang Wanyin confessed.

“What...?” It was Lan Xichen’s turn to be shocked.  

“How did they even know to look for me here?” Jiang Wanyin whispered furiously; panic began simmering back on the surface. “I can’t- I can’t face him. Not now, not ever! Somebody must have told him about me…” Jiang Wanyin halted as he slowly raised his eyes to look at Lan Xichen.

“I would NEVER,” Lan Xichen insisted fiercely. “My heart, I would never betray your confidence even at the expense of my life.”

Jiang Wanyin swallowed hard in indecisiveness before throwing his arms around Lan Xichen’s neck and pulled himself close; he buried his face within the contour of Lan Xichen’s neck. “Ah hell, I don’t know what I was thinking sometimes. I knew you wouldn’t. Please forgive me.” 

Lan Xichen hushed as he peppered kisses on whatever skin he could reach, relief washed over him so strong at Jiang Wanyin’s quick acceptance. He knew how hard it was for Jiang Wanyin to trust anybody and any perception of betrayal would shatter the fragile trust irrevocably. Nothing scared Lan Xichen more than losing Jiang Wanyin’s trust. He felt Jiang Wanyin turn his head, searching for his lips and Lan Xichen gladly indulged him with his own hard, desperate kisses. 

With Lan Xichen’s own scent of sandalwood and wildflowers surrounding him, Jiang Wanyin felt the panic ebb away and he began to calm down.

The kiss was instantly broken with the feeling of a strong killing intent near them, causing Lan Xichen and Jiang Wanyin to pull apart and reach for their own swords from the qiankun pouches. But all that they could see was Lan Wangji; his face was frozen into cold fury, and the shocking face of Wei Wuxian. 

Lan Xichen could easily deduce the rage in his younger brother’s face, though he wasn’t really sure to whom the rage was directed to. Or was the rage directed to the kiss that he just witnessed? But a Lan never jumped into conclusion, so he put away his sword and took a step forward to Lan Wangji with a tentative smile on his smile. “...Wangji…” Despite the angry expression, Lan Xichen had missed his brother. 

“Brother.” The word was gritted out in utter distaste.

“It’s been a while,” Lan Xichen said.

“Clearly,” Lan Wangji glanced at Jiang Wanyin. “You’ve been away for a year. I wasn’t expecting this to be the reason.”

The look Lan Wangji gave to Jiang Wanyin was so venomous that it took all of Jiang Wanyin’s bravado to not flinch. Instead, he forced himself to keep staring unapologetically back at Lan Wangji. He wasn't at any fault - he kept telling himself silently - he fucking wasn't! 

Lan Xichen didn’t like the words, and he disliked the tone even more. Still, he kept his face serene and a smile intact. “What do you mean, Lan Wangji?”

“This!” Lan Wangji hissed. “Xichen-ge! Of all the people, why him?! Didn’t you remember all the demonic cultivators that Sandu Shengshou had hunted and tortured? He is a vicious killer!” Jiang Wanyin inhaled sharply and actually took a step back at Lan Wangji’s words. Oh, how he didn’t miss this. He had forgotten how hurtful it felt to hear the way the cultivator world talked about him and how Lan Wangji’s was the worst of it all. It was always full of fear and hatred and suspicion. But he still kept his mouth shut.

“All of us are killers, Lan Wangji,” Lan Xichen said softly. “My blood was stained with the blood of Mingjue-dage, of Jin Guangyao and all of his victims. Your hands are stained with the blood of the Wens and Wei Wuxian-” he nodded his head towards the frozen Wei Wuxian, whose eyes were still on Jiang Wanyin. “-Wei Wuxian is not abstained from the sins of numerous murders. So, why only Jiang Wanyin bears your hatred? Aren’t you being unfair here?”

Lan Wangji was still so shocked to see his brother kissing Jiang Wanyin that all of his intention to ask for Jiang Wanyin’s forgiveness was forgotten. It was one thing to be feeling guilty for Wei Wuxian's sworn brother, but it was a whole lot different when Jiang Wanyin was involved with his own brother! How dare Jiang Wanyin kiss his brother! How unworthy of Jiang Wanyin to think he could even! The old rage and hatred that were eighteen years in the making for the man whom he perceived to have wronged his beloved husband in every single way came bubbling up, and all that he could think of was the need to make his brother see how unfit Jiang Wanyin was to be his spouse. With a face and a tone as cold as the top of Cloud Recesses mountain, Lan Wangji growled, “He doesn’t deserve you, brother. His reputation is so tarnished and he was unworthy."

Lan Xichen's smile instantly disappeared and his back straightened like a ramrod. 

Jiang Wanyin felt his heart beat so fast that he felt so unhinged. The acid words were familiar. Instead of hearing them within the echoes of his mind like he usually did, this time he heard them loud clear. And the irony was, he didn't even need to hear this at all; didn’t Lan Wangji know that he already knew all that? He couldn’t shut them down even if he wanted to.

He already fucking knew he was unworthy. What else was new?! 

He began to feel lightheaded. Today had started with a promise of a beautiful day out with Lan Xichen but now, he was standing in front of Hanguang-Jun, being talked down like he didn't matter. He wanted to walk away but his feet were rooted. 

Lan Wangji wasn't finished. Even in his usual, monotone voice, the utter hatred towards Jiang Wanyin was unmistakable. "And for all the things he had done towards Wei Ying - his own sworn brother - casting him away, hunting him with the other cultivators and driving him to his death even after he was given the core - what makes you think he wouldn't do the same to you? Sandu Shengshou is a vindictive and vengeful person. He will use you like Jin Guangyao did."

And that was the last straw. “LAN WANGJI!” Lan Xichen snapped; his face was a hard, unyielding granite and the warm, honeyed eyes narrowed. His usual soft voice raised a notch into an angry growl. "You will stop right there, if you know what is good for you."

That got Lan Wangji to really stop. For as long as he lived, he had never really seen his older brother this angry. Even when he killed Jin Guangyao in the fit of rage, the fire was an ice-cold hatred. But this. This was the rage of possessiveness and protectiveness - fiery, burning and devastating if it was unheeded. Lan Wangji knew this kind of rage intimately. This rare display of emotion on Lan Xichen's face was like a bucket of cold water being poured onto Lan Wangji’s body. 

It also stopped the dark thoughts in Jiang Wanyin’s head from spiralling further. With his eyes wide, he looked in utter amazement at the man beside him. No one had ever chosen him before - Lan Xichen was the first. And he chose him over his own brother! 

Lan Xichen took a step forward Lan Wangji, huge and imposing and angry, as he continued. “When you brought Wei Wuxian to the Gusu Lan, have I ever uttered one word of affront about him even when the whole cultivation world was against him - even when his ill reputation continued on even after his death. Did I say anything of insult when he accused, no matter how rightly he was at that time, my former sworn brother? I didn’t back then, and I don’t until now because not only I love you but also because I trust you. I didn’t trust Wei Wuxian back then, but I accepted him still because I trust you to be able to choose your own path.”

“So please, for the sake of our brotherhood,” He gritted his teeth. “Refrain yourself for insulting Jiang Wanyin.”

Lan Wangji looked at his brother in wonder. Suddenly he realised that he had never seen Lan Xichen in love. Like really in love. Gone was the serene and apathetic calming facade that he seemed to always wear. This intensity that was on Lan Xichen right now was nothing he had ever seen before and Lan Wangji knew that if he said one more insulting word about Jiang Wanyin, Lan Xichen would draw Shuoyue against him for the first time ever. 

This cultivator in front of him, at this moment, was not his usual smiling brother. This was a cultivator, who was protecting his partner against any possible and imaginable harm. 

Lan Wangji darted his eyes to look at Jiang Wanyin from top to the bottom, wondering what was about this man that his brother found so attractive about? Jiang Wanyin did not have an exceptional beauty, nor a pleasant disposition, nor even he had any position in the cultivation world since he had given away his sect leader position. He didn’t even have a high cultivation level to match with Lan Xichen’s outstanding one since the former sect leader had given back the core to Wei Ying. So why? 

He knew he had been proven wrong about Jiang Wanyin by Wei Ying. He had been quick to judge and even quicker to hate the man whom he had thought to be the many reasons for Wei Ying’s untimely death. And he had been so ready to apologize to Jiang Wanyin if they ever found him. But the shock of seeing his beloved brother kissing the man that he had hated for as long as he could remember made him recall all the things why he hated this man in the first place. And his brother’s anger snapped him out of his hatred haze.

Taking a deep breath, Lan Wangji bowed his head slightly and murmured, “Sorry, Xichen-ge. I was out of line.”

The rage was still simmering within Lan Xichen but his younger brother’s apology prevented him from being angry. Instinctively, he reached back to hold Jiang Wanyin’s hand but quickly turned when he couldn’t. “Wanyin…” he called softly when he saw the man himself had unconsciously retreated a few steps away from all three of them, clearly not wanting to be here at all.

“You go ahead, Lan Xichen,” Jiang Wanyin said, trying so hard to hide his nervousness but failing miserably. “Both of you must have a lot of things to talk about. I’m just going to head back home.” 

“Wanyin, no-” Lan Xichen started.

“Jiang Cheng, please…” Wei Wuxian said at the same time.

“No.” Jiang Wanyin shook his head hard; unsure he was answering to whom. But it didn’t matter; all he wanted to do was not being here. “There’s nothing for us to talk about. I have to go now.” He turned around and walked away in hurried steps; his heart beat so fast that it was almost hurtful. The sight of Wei Wuxian hurt his heart, his head and everything. It tightened his chest that he felt like he was gasping for air, drowning him all over again. 

Just when he thought he had landed his feet on the dryland, Wei Wuxian came back to his life and just like that, Wei Wuxian drowned him. 

“Jiang Cheng! Jiang Cheng, please! Please!” Wei Wuxian ran after his brother, but before he could pass by Lan Xichen, the taller man grabbed his arm to stop him. “Zewu-Jun, please let me go to him. I- I have to talk to him!” 

“Wei Wuxian,” Lan Xichen growled, causing the younger man to stop struggling. “Listen to me.”

Wei Wuxian looked up, his grey eyes wide.

Lan Xichen sighed as he tried to find the best words. “Jiang Wanyin is trying to move on. Cutting ties with everything that caused him pain is the only way he could think of doing. He was drowning. Do you understand that, Wei Wuxian? He was just a step away from the cliff, a breath away from the edge of Sandu. Him, leaving everything that he knew and loved, was his last attempt to save himself.”

Wei Wuxian gasped as he covered his mouth, shocked, with tears rushed to fill in his eyes and face pale white at that revelation.

“My appearance in his sanctuary nearly caused him to come undone. If it wasn’t because he needed my help, he wouldn’t allow me to stay with him for as long as I did.”

“What- what kind of help?” Wei Wuxian stammered. Lan Xichen hesitated but decided that the core problem was not his secret to tell.

“The point is, if you wanted to go to him, I want you to know that this is not the old Jiang Wanyin, whom you can tease without boundaries and without consideration. This is not the same Jiang Wanyin whom you say careless words and equally careless actions. He may not have the same defensive armour to brush away those thoughtless actions as easily. If all that you wanted from him is forgiveness and validation of your feelings, then let me save you from wasting his time. Just like you didn’t want his apology, Jiang Wanyin doesn’t want yours either. He just wanted to find peace in the small pocket of this world.”     

Wei Wuxian was crying. His heart was breaking into pieces. At this moment, flashes of memories from their childhood passed through his head. Memories of the laughter that they both had shared when the pranks and tricks succeeded, when they were playing in the warm water of Lotus Pier, and when they were chasing each other in the forest of Yunmeng. Memories of the tears and comfort shared between them when they were injured the first time during a night-hunt, when nightmares of dogs plagued his nights, when Jiang Wanyin being slighted by his father and reprimanded by his mother and when they were both being punished. Memories of pride when they first named their swords, when they first mastered the first Yumneng sword style, when they first mounted their swords and when they won their first their swords or archery competitions. They had been so close and inseparable. Back then, it was just them against the world - the Twin Pride of Yunmeng. 

All those things he did to Jiang Cheng… And for what? In the name of righteousness? In the name of repayment of debts? In the name of guilt? 

How could he do that to a person who loved him the most?

“Zewu-Jun…” Wei Wuxian said finally. “If I told you that all I want from Jiang Cheng is a chance, will you allow me to go to him?” He saw the harshness and anger in amber eyes softened. Encouraged, he pushed on, “Even the smallest chance of reconciliation, I’ll take it. Whatever concession he’ll give, however insignificant it is, I’ll take with the biggest gratitude because I know that is more than what I deserve.”

Lan Xichen released his grip on Wei Wuxian and nodded his head. The shorter man smiled and he began running in the direction of Jiang Wanyin. When Lan Xichen saw Lan Wangji start to follow Wei Wuxian, he shook his head grimly at him. “This is the one thing you’ll have to let Wei Wuxian fight on his own. Whatever it is decided between them, we have no say whatsoever.”

“But-” Lan Wangji said, a frown on his face.

“Wangji,” Lan Xichen growled. “I think you’ve done enough damage, don’t you think?”

Lan Wangji inhaled sharply as he snapped his face to look at his brother’s angry face. “You knew.” He realised as red tinges at his ears; shame crept inside his heart.

“About what you said to Wanyin that night? Yes, I do.” Lan Xichen shook his head. “I couldn’t believe it when I heard that you said that. I still can’t believe it. If we both were to fight over some things, do you think you would allow Wei Wuxian to fight your battle? Would you allow him to say all the things you said to Jiang Wanyin to me?” 

Lan Wangji looked down in remorse. “You know I wouldn’t, but I am awfully protective over Wei Ying, having lost him once. And hearing some of the words Jiang Wanyin threw at Wei Ying angered me so much that I-”

“Did Wei Wuxian utter words that are equally vicious?” Lan Xichen interrupted.

“I-” Lan Wangji frowned. “I suppose so. But Jiang Wanyin-”

“No,” Lan Xichen said firmly. “You let your hatred towards Jiang Wanyin guide your judgements. You only heard Jiang Wanyin’s harsh words and none of Wei Wuxian’s. You interfered on things that weren’t yours to do so. Both of us know that there is a festering wound between them that needs to be talked and fought over. But your words delivered the final blow that severed the tie. You took the moment away from them.”

Between them, Lan Xichen was always the wiser one in terms of societal cues and an excellent arbitrator and Lan Wangji understood his own faults. After such difficulty, Lan Wangji  murmured a word of apology. He might never truly like Jiang Wanyin, but at the very least, he could learn to be indifferent and not hateful. He could at least trust Wei Ying to fight his own battle. 

“You should apologise to Wanyin too, once you’ve gotten the chance to do so. He deserves to hear that word from you more than me. He has, after all, put up with your hatred for the last seventeen years.” Lan Xichen glared at Lan Wangji and his younger brother was properly chastised. 

A few moments of silence fell between the Twin Jade of Gusu Lan. Eventually, Lan Wangji spoke up once again. “When are you coming home, brother?”      

Lan Xichen closed his eyes at the inevitable, dreaded words. He had been thinking about this for two months - ever since the talk he had with Jiang Xian. He tried to imagine going back to Cloud Recesses and resuming a long-distance relationship with Jiang Wanyin but he couldn’t bear it. He feared of not being able to help Jiang Wanyin when his core acted up (what if he was defending himself from the night creatures or people, and the core died out?). He feared of Jiang Wanyin losing his trust in him (what if he thought Lan Xichen was abandoning him just like everybody else?). Most of all he feared of losing this happiness within himself; that by going back to Cloud Recesses, he would be engulfed by the old bitterness of betrayal and loneliness and hopelessness that he felt during his seclusion. 

How could he dare to persuade Jiang Wanyin to come back to Cloud Recesses? Jiang Wanyin had left the cultivation world and Lan Xichen would never cause Jiang Wanyin to think he had to choose between his place of solitude and being with Lan Xichen. And the way his heart squeezed painfully even at mere thought of leaving Jiang Wanyin made him realise that his home was not with Gusu Lan anymore. 

His home was where his heart and soul were.

His home was with Jiang Wanyin.

So, there was no other answer for him to give to Lan Wangji except, “I’m already home, Wangji.”

The shock on Lan Wangji's face was... well, as expected.

* * * * * *

Wei Wuxian’s core was stronger than Jiang Wanyin. Therefore, he and Suibian could easily catch up with his younger brother. “Jiang Cheng! Stop, please!”

Jiang Wanyin cursed ten ways to heaven when he realised Wei Wuxian was catching up to him. He was pushing his core to fly Sandu faster and now he was paying for it. He began to feel his core was stuttering, a clear sign of it shutting down and unless Jiang Wanyin was planning to fall down to his death, he needed to land down. Damn it… and he was less than halfway home already…

Gritting his teeth, Jiang Wanyin flew down to the ground and hopped off Sandu. He had accepted this weakness and even learned to embrace it but to show it to Wei Wuxian? Oh, hell no. If he saw Wei Wuxian feeling guilty one more time and attempted to pay his debt, Jiang Wanyin would lash out Zidian, dying core or not! 

He braced his shoulders high and tilted his chin up in the familiar haughty posture, while he watched Wei Wuxian hopping down from Suibian with the grace that he hadn’t seen since before the burning down of Lotus Pier. There was an inner glow radiated from Wei Wuxian’s face and the easy way he moved around Suibian indicating he was healthy. Apparently, the golden core had been transferred successfully into him, as it should be, considering Jiang Wanyin was awake for the whole three days of operation just to make sure Wei Wuxian got his core whole and intact. 

He shoved down the relief that was emerging down the deepest part of his heart, refusing to allow Wei Wuxian to see it. They owed each other nothing!

Wei Wuxian nervously sheathed Suibian and straightened his robe, trying to find the words. It had been a year since that night in Gusu Lan and there hadn’t been a day that passed by that Wei Wuxian wished he had said something that night. Or the days after. But he had been accustomed with his way of letting things simmer and die on their own, believing that there was always tomorrow and Jiang Cheng would always try to find him. 

All his life, he had always taken Jiang Cheng for granted. Ever since they were children, he always knew Jiang Cheng would follow him everywhere in any mischievous deeds, he knew Jiang Cheng would always kneel beside him in receiving punishment and he knew Jiang Cheng would always defend him from Madam Yu’s wraths. He had kept on taking Jiang Cheng for granted even after that where he knew Jiang Cheng would, as quickly as he could, find the reinforcement when he was trapped in the cave, and he didn’t doubt for a second Jiang Cheng would back him up when he was being feared for his unnatural cultivation. Throughout all that, he even knew Jiang Cheng would always come back to see him even though they had a huge fallout from the incident of the Wens in the Yiling to the aftermath of Guanyin Temple.

Jiang Cheng always clung too tightly to the people he loved and Wei Wuxian had taken that for granted. Fate was punishing him now. Now, Wei Wuxian was the one chasing after Jiang Cheng. 

And he feared so much that Jiang Cheng would never allow Wei Wuxian to catch him.

When Wei Wuxian realised that Jiang Cheng would never initiate the conversation, he knew that this was a battle that he had to fight on his own. Jiang Cheng was done fighting for them. 

“Jiang Cheng, I-” Wei Wuxian stammered. His heart was pounding hard. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity to make Jiang Cheng listen to him because he knew, if he lost this battle, Jiang Cheng would be gone from his life forever.

“I was looking all over for you. I thought I could leave the matter into Zewu-Jun’s hand but when he stopped answering my letters five months ago, I decided to go out and find you myself. It took some time for me to convince Lan Zhan to let me go on my own because he couldn’t leave Gusu Lan and his Chief Cultivator’s position.” Wei Wuxian let out a nervous laugh as he scratched his nose. “He wasn’t happy about that but I did it anyway.”

When he received only a dead stare from Jiang Cheng, he plowed forward, “I went to Lotus Pier and Jiang Zhou was the most adamant in telling me he didn’t know where you were. I went to the Madam Fa, to the merchants and people there, no one knew. I went to the nearby towns and to all the places that we used to play together. In the three months that I was looking for you, I swear that I’ve been to every nook and cranny of Lotus Pier more than I was when I actually lived there,” he joked but faltered when Jiang Cheng still had no response. He should be irritated with his babbling right now

“Jiang Cheng-”

“How did you find me?” Jiang Wanyin interrupted.

“I- um… One of the healers accidentally mentioned Huang-yisheng is in correspondence with you and since Huang-yisheng wouldn’t tell me, I might have- um, I might have followed the letter.” Wei Wuxian scratched his head sheepishly.

“Why?” 

“I couldn’t leave us like this!” Wei Wuxian cried. 

“You couldn’t?” Jiang Wanyin echoed in disbelief. “You always do. You always leave me without any explanation. What’s one more? Is it because this is the first time you didn’t have the last word?”

“No!” Wei Wuxian felt the bubbling anger begin to rise but he pushed in down hard. “It’s because you gave away your core!”

“It is your core,” Jiang Wanyin gritted as he retreated. “It was never mine.”

“What do you mean?! I gave it to you without any string attached. I gave it to you to save your life!” 

“Should I bow down in gratitude, then? For this life that you’ve bestowed upon me?” Jiang Wanyin sneered. “That is what all of them wanted, isn’t it? For me to be grateful to you? Because apparently, I’m the arrogant one. The selfish one. The one who could never equal to you even with your core. I should have been left rotting in the street Yiling.”

“I- I-” 

“Why did you lie to me, Wei Wuxian?!” Jiang Wanyin shouted. “Do you think I wanted your fucking core?!”

“What else should I do?!” Wei Wuxian shouted back. “You were devastated! You were ready to give it all up! Your pride wouldn’t let you live a life without a core!”

“PRIDE?!” Jiang Wanyin raised his hand to grasp at his chest. Fuck, all of these hurt. The viscous, infected poison that he had managed to keep at bay came out frothing. Even if Wei Wuxian stabbed his heart with Suibian, it wouldn’t hurt as much as this. “Did you really not know me at all? Did you think everything I did was driven by my pride and arrogance?!”

This was all too much. His heart was filled with turbulence - chaos and unrest and pain. So much pain. His core stuttered in tandem with his heart - dying out, draining his energy. He was suddenly overwhelmed by fatigue and hollowness, just like he was before Lan Xichen came into his life. Rage was seeping his energy and fatigueness, in turn, seeped his rage. 

“Even for one moment in our lives, have you ever thought that maybe, everything that I do, is because I love you?”

Wei Wuxian was frustrated. “I know you love me! You were always fierce in your love, Jiang Cheng. But when you lost your sect and core, you lost everything! You couldn’t even allow your love for us to pull you through your grief of losing it. You were to give up everything!”

That was the last straw. Without even him noticing it, Sandu flew out from its sheath and plunged straight towards Wei Wuxian. Wei Wuxian gasped in surprise and immediately, Suibian flew out to parry Sandu. “Jiang Cheng! What the hell?!”

“I was grieving, you ASSHOLE! You couldn’t wait more than a week to allow me to grieve? You DARE to assume my pride was more than my love for my family?!” Sandu flew in reaction to its master’s storm of rage and Suibian was trying to keep up with the flurry of attacks. “How shallow do you think my love was?!!”

“A-Cheng, please, STOP THIS!” WEi Wuxian was pleading. He knew his core was stronger than Jiang Cheng - knowing intimately the level of Mo Xuanyu’s core, and he didn’t want to hurt his didi. “You went back to Lotus Pier! You went back even though you knew you could lose your life to take vengeance for your sect. In doing so, you lost your core. And when you lost your core, all of your will to live was all gone! What was I supposed to do? Let you die?!”

“You presumptuous bastard!!!” Jiang Wanyin intensified his attacks - rage was clouding his judgement. His core died and now, he was using his own life force to sustain his attacks. “You think I went back to Lotus Pier for vengeance?! I SAVE YOUR LIFE!”

“What-” Wei Wuxian staggered back, disbelief.

“The Wens were about to capture you and I knew being captured meant death, so I used myself as bait to lure the Wens away from you. I wanted you to live! I valued your life more than mine, and you think I went back because of vengeance?! I lost my core for saving you, how could ever I regret it?! I would have moved on if it weren’t for you lying to me. If I knew that being restored meant you losing your core, I would never agree!"  Jiang Wanyin heaved hard, sweats trickled down from his forehead to his cheeks and his face went deathly pale. Sandu had come back to its master and stuck itself on the ground and his core was totally shut down. Not even a sliver of qi left for him to use. And his nose began to bleed profusely. 

“I hate you, Wei Wuxian…” He said bitterly. “I fucking hate you…”

“A-Cheng...” Wei Wuxian breathed, voice small and trembling. Shock had caused him to be motionless, unable to move from the revelation. This time he was beyond stupefied - his heart felt as if it had stopped beating. His own face pale into white ghost. 

Slowly,  tears began to stream down his face uncontrollably.

With his head spinning, Jiang Wanyin knew he was about to lose consciousness. “I fucking hate the fact I had loved you once…” He whispered before he blacked out.

Wei Wuxian lunged forward to catch his younger brother just before he hit the ground. 

He cradled the lolling head in his arm as he kneeled on the ground. Through his unstoppable tears, he wiped clumsily the still streaming blood from Jiang Wanyin's nostril, wondering what could have caused this. When the core was his, whenever he overexerted himself, his own nose would bleed too but not this bad. Jiang Wanyin couldn't have overexerted himself; they just started their fight. Could the prolonged flying contribute to this? Could this be the problem that Lan Xichen said Jiang Cheng needed help with? 

But whatever the problem was, Wei Wuxian couldn't help but marvel the fact he still was given the opportunity to hold his brother. For all the might of the heaven above, for the first time in a very, very long time, he was able to hold Jiang Cheng in his arms. He had missed this, so very much - the warmth, the weight and the scent of lotus that perpetually clung to him, reminding Wei Wuxian of the home that he had grown up in. Back then, when their relationship was so strong and unbreakable, Wei Wuxian hugged Jiang Cheng all the time and through grumbles and snarks, Jiang Cheng hugged him back. When the bond became fragile, Wei Wuxian didn't dare dream of even touching his brother. Every single word uttered and every single gesture shown was just a spark of another argument. They were both too sensitive and too burnt from their previous fallout. Wei Wuxian didn't think anything could be done to mend this. Even when Jiang Cheng was clearly trying with his visits. 

It took months after losing his brother to make Wei Wuxian finally realise that he was the wrong one. He had thought that giving up his core was enough to pay all the transgressions that he had done to Jiang Cheng. He thought he had paid all of his debts. How arrogant was he? How insensitive and thoughtless was he? 

And Jiang Cheng was right - he did think his younger brother was too prideful. He had thought his brother’s pride and arrogance overpowered his other feelings. He had never really known his own brother at all. 

When he came back to life, he didn’t even try. 

To think Jiang Cheng had given himself up to save his own gege… Wei Wuxian cried so hard over the revelation that his heart was breaking into half… He thought of all the possible different futures, had Jiang Cheng saved himself instead of trying to save him - would he still be captured and thrown to Mount Burial? Would he still be forced into the path of demonic cultivation? Would their relationship still survive without this huge deception hanging over them? Whatever the possibilities were, there was one thing he was sure of; he could never be able to pay back Jiang Cheng’s love to him. 

The purity and the unconditionality and the absoluteness of Jiang Cheng's love to his family was breaking Wei Wuxian's heart. 

He pulled the still unconscious Jiang Cheng's face up towards his own, as he dropped kisses on his didi's forehead and temple in an overwhelming gratitude and love. Bowing his head and hiding his sobbing face at the corner of Jiang Cheng's neck, Wei Wuxian cried the hardest he had ever done in this life and the previous one. He cried for the brotherly love that he had so casually tossed aside, for the grief he had put upon Jiang Cheng by causing his family to perish, for cruelly lying to him about the core and for the indifference he showed when he came back to life.

He didn't deserve Jiang Cheng's forgiveness. Even if he moved the mountains and drained the sea, Wei Wuxian didn't deserve to be forgiven. 

But, still, in all of his selfishness and arrogance, Wei Wuxian wanted to beg for it. 

By the heavens, how Wei Wuxian needed Jiang Cheng's forgiveness. 

So… He brushed away the tears on his eyes and cheeks before lifting his brother up to bring him under the shade of a tree, settling him within his lap with his head resting comfortably against his chest. Using his fingers, Wei Wuxian transferred his own qi to his brother, willing the nosebleed to stop and colour to come back to the listless skin. And then, he waited. 

He waited for one hour, then two. When the third hour was up, Wei Wuxian still hadn't moved from his position - he was still numb from the shocking revelation. With thoughts swirling inside his head, Wei Wuxian was trying to absorb everything that had happened. He also still revelled their closeness, savouring it, lest this would be the last time he could ever hold his brother close.

Four hours later, Jiiang Wanyin began to swim back into consciousness. Eyelashes fluttered in an effort to open his eyes - his mind was slow from the fatigue. The first thing he remembered was the ugly fight he had with Wei Wuxian. Second thing he realised he was still in the same place as he was before he had fainted. And the third thing he felt the softness of a body behind him. The third realisation had caused Jiang Wanyin to instantly scramble onto his legs and his head immediately when dizzy.

“Easy, Jiang Cheng… easy.”

Closing his eyes tight, Jiang Wanyin wasn’t sure whether it was the product of his spinning head or not, but he couldn’t believe Wei Wuxian was still here. “What are you still doing here?” He groaned. “Go away. We have nothing else to say.”

Jiang Wanyin waited a few more minutes until the dizziness passed away. When he was sure he could open his eyes without throwing up, he saw Wei Wuxian standing straight in front of him. There was a glint of steel-like determination in those red-tinged, grey eyes. Something about Wei Wuxian’s expression caused Jiang Wanyin to inhale his breath sharply in surprise.

“I have only one thing to say to you, Jiang Cheng. And then, I shall leave.” Wei Wuxian said solemnly.

“What?” Jiang Wanyin asked warily.

To his greatest shock, Wei Wuxian threw Suibian to the ground and he dropped to his knees.

“What the hell are you doing-” Jiang Wanyin started to yell but was interrupted by Wei Wuxian’s shaky voice.

“A-Cheng, here I am, on my knees, humbly begging for your forgiveness,” Wei Wuxian said softly - without anger, without joke and without teasing, as he looked up to the stunned man. 

“I’m out of excuses, reasons and words. All that had happened in our lives, it was undoubtedly a shitstorm and if I could give you all of my blood and qi and flesh from both of my lives just to turn back the time and do it all over again, I would. I would try to understand you more, communicate with you honestly and I would try with all of my might, to love you better. I would always try to choose you - despite my undying love for Lan Zhan, I would try to find a way so none of us was hurting. I may never be able to compete with your loyalty and protectiveness and love, but by the heavens, I would try so hard that you will never find me lacking as your brother.”

“But I couldn’t. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t turn back the time. I cannot undo my deeds and words. The only thing I can promise you is the future. A-Cheng…” Wei Wuxian reached up to hold Jiang Cheng’s clammy hands, looking into the shell-shocked violet eyes and open mouth. “A-Cheng, please give me a chance to do this right this time around. Not only I want your forgiveness, but I’m also begging for a chance to redeem myself.”

He had never seen his brother being humbled and remorseful before. It took several swallows before Jiang Wanyin could speak up. “Wei Wuxian, I- I’m not going back. I won’t… I couldn’t,” he said shakily. “I’ve left it all behind.”

“I’m not asking you too,” Wei Wuxian said hurriedly. Hope bloomed in his heart so fast that it almost hurt. “Whenever you’re ready, however small the chance is, I’ll take it. It could be once a year of exchange of letters, a brief sending of butterfly messages or- or even passing regards through Jiang Xian, I’ll take it all.” He was way past begging now, but Wei Wuxian didn’t care. His brother forsook his sect, left his sister, and sacrificed his core and his life just so he could save him from the Wens. What was the value of his own pride compared to that? 

The depth of Jiang Cheng’s love for him would never stop astounding him. 

He had been blind. He had been immature. Begging for Jiang Cheng’s forgiveness was a sign he was growing up.

“I- I don’t know if I could…” Jiang Wanyin flustered. He had never seen Wei Wuxian act like this. Why did he seem so different? What had happened when he was unconscious?

Wei Wuxian shook his head hard. “Take your time. A year, or two years or a decade later, I’ll wait for you. I’ll never lose hope of you forgiving me. I just want you to know where I stand.”

“Where do you stand?” Jiang Wanyin breathed.

“I’m always going to be right there at Gusu Lan, just waiting for you. And- and if you wanted me to come to you, I’ll wait for that invitation too.” The grey eyes were swimming with tears and hope, so bright that it was painful to watch. Wei Wuxian dared to bring Jiang Wanyin’s hand to his own face - his knuckles pressed on his lips, pleading pitifully to his brother. 

“A chance, huh?” Jiang Wanyin whispered, his own eyes and cheeks were wet with tears. 

“A chance,” Wei Wuxian confirmed.

“However long it takes?”

“I’ll wait for you. I’ll never push you. If you agree to give me a chance.” 

It was so hard for Jiang Wanyin to trust again. Opening his heart to Lan Xichen was hard enough, but Lan Xichen wasn’t the one to burn him. Wei Wuxian was. He had burnt him thoroughly, badly. Wei Wuxian was the water that drowned him. Did he dare to give the fire and the water that destroyed him a chance? He couldn’t decide now. His heart hurt too bad to think. 

But Wei Wuxian said he would wait.

“I need time,” Jiang Wanyin said eventually, his heart pounded hard, his voice hoarse and his skin cold. This was the biggest leap of faith that he had ever taken. “I can’t- I can’t give the answer you wanted now, but - but if you’ll give me time…”

“Yes!” Wei Wuxian jumped on his feet. The fact that Jiang Cheng didn’t outright reject him was more than he could have ever imagined. This was the smallest of chance that he was looking for and he would gladly take it. “Yes, A-Cheng. Take your time. I’m always going to be here. I’ll wait for you.”

Jiang Wanyin nodded softly as his eyes softened.

The smile on Wei Wuxian was blinding.

* * * * * *  

Chapter Text

Jiang Wanyin watched Wei Wuxian fly out before he allowed himself a moment of weakness and sat on the ground. Wei Wuxian was so skittish after he got what he wanted – a chance that perhaps Jiang Wanyin would want to do anything with him at all, that it didn’t take much for Jiang Wanyin to convince him that he was alright and he could get back to his home on his own. Wei Wuxian had never really cared what Jiang Wanyin thought or felt back when he was secured in their relationship and now when their relationship was almost non-existent and extremely fragile, Wei Wuxian didn’t argue with him at all when he said he would be alright on his own.

Truth to be told, Jiang Wanyin was so emotionally exhausted that he couldn’t bear to be around Wei Wuxian any longer. The fact that his core had totally shut down and he was in the middle of nowhere didn’t even weigh in his decision to send Wei Wuxian away. When he had assented that smallest window of chance to Wei Wuxian, he was too caught up with the image of Wei Wuxian, who was for the first time in their life, on his knees begging him for something, instead of the other way around. Wei Wuxian never begged anything from him because there was nothing valuable Jiang Wanyin could ever give to him - not his love, his forgiveness, his apology nor his brotherhood. Wei Wuxian was always able to live without him after all.

So, when Wei Wuxian pleaded for a chance just to be able to correspond with him - Jiang Wanyin was so floored and was caught off-guard because it had never happened before. He didn’t know how to respond.

Now that he was alone - Jiang Wanyin wondered whether he was regretting it now.

Why was it when he was done chasing after Wei Wuxian, Wei Wuxian finally thought Jiang Wanyin was worth being chased after in return? Why was it, when Jiang Wanyin had given up on everything, Wei Wuxian finally deemed he was worth fighting for? Why not when Jiang Wanyin was visiting every two weeks to the Cloud Recesses? Why not when the wounds weren’t deep, the bond wasn’t this fragile, and the feelings weren’t this broken? He had been at peace with himself for the last six months he had spent with Lan Xichen. He was finally learning to live without the ghosts of his wayward brother holding him down. Wei Wuxian’s pleadings reignited the chaotic storms within him.

How could Jiang Wanyin find his way back to Wei Wuxian when he, himself, was so lost within himself? The ghosts of the past were sometimes too loud for Jiang Wanyin to ignore. If it weren’t for Lan Xichen, Jiang Wanyin would certainly have lost the battle alone in his self-exile.

Years would be too soon.

Jiang Wanyin raised his hands to wipe his face in exhaustion as he braced himself for a long walk home. Judging by the late afternoon, he would arrive home either late at night or early in the morning, if he didn’t find shelter in the wood to sleep off the fatigue.

As Jiang Wanyin walked, he let the events today play in a loop inside his head. Lan Wangji’s words, though admittedly painful, were nothing new. He had been on the receiving end of the Chief Cultivator’s icy, hateful glare for the past sixteen years. To say he was immune was a lie, but at least with Lan Wangji, he knew where he stood; he knew how to harden his heart. And he had stopped expecting anything different from the man.

But now, he was in love with Lan Xichen.

Everybody knew how close the two brothers were.

Would Lan Wangji’s hateful words get to Lan Xichen? Lan Xichen had been decidedly angry at Lan Wangji’s words but now Jiang Wanyin was not there, would Lan Xichen finally come to his senses? Would the man finally see Jiang Wanyin’s all too numerous flaws? He had learned to be indifferent to others’ people’s dislike and hatred and fear towards him, but if Lan Xichen shared those sentiments, after he had made Jiang Wanyin fall in love with him, Jiang Wanyin didn’t know what he would do.

When he reached home, would Lan Xichen be there? Or had he gone back to Cloud Recesses with Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian? That was where he belonged, after all. He instinctively raised his hand to clutch his chest; a ward against the deep ache within his heart, at the thought of an empty bed that he would have to sleep in the days after this.

Jiang Wanyin had been living in a complete denial for the last six months. He knew of the responsibilities that awaited Lan Xichen at home and whatever it was that they shared was a temporary happiness. Lan Xichen was a Sect Leader and Jiang Wanyin was no longer one. The kindness that Lan Xichen showed might have transformed into love but how could a love for Jiang Wanyin compete with his love for Cloud Recesses? It was Lan Xichen’s home.

The small house beside an equally small lake full of lotuses was not.

What hold did Jiang Wanyin have over Lan Xichen? Not as a sect leader; not as a powerful cultivator; not even as a Sandu Shengshou. Jiang Wanyin was a nobody with a crippled golden core. The First Jade of Gusu Lan with a nobody? How absurd was that? At that realisation, Jiang Wanyin had to stop walking; his legs weakened, as he sat on a rotted log, burying his face in his hands.

How could he ever dare to fall in love with Lan Xichen?

He chuckled bitterly. Tears blurred his eyes as his mouth twisted painfully into a reluctant smirk. Who was he kidding? How could he not fall in love with Lan Xichen? At the lowest point of his life, Lan Xichen appeared in front of him like a miracle like he was, gently picking up the shattered pieces of his heart. He gave him smiles for every scowl he threw; patience in the face of his rage; gentle persuasion against his obstinacy and he gave him the attention that he never knew he needed. Lan Xichen gave him everything that he lacked in his life.

And so, like a dried tree opened up thirstily to the rain after years of drought, Jiang Wanyin soaked all the love Lan Xichen showered to him. His heart ached for Lan Xichen, his lips burned for his kisses, his body desired for his touches and caresses. And Lan Xichen gave without reserve, generous in his attention and love. For the first time in his life, Jiang Wanyin felt the wonder of being loved in return. He felt the bliss of being touched, being kissed and simply being seen with equal fervour. Tell him, how was he supposed to protect his heart from falling in love with such a man? Loving Lan Xichen was so easy.

And letting him go would be very, very heart-breaking.

Because Jiang Wanyin would never dream of making Lan Xichen choose between him and his home. He loved him too much to make him feel that he had to choose him over his home and his family. After everything Lan Xichen did to him, it had to be enough. Even though his heart yearned for more (for the rest of his life) but the six-months they lived together would have to be enough.

In the dark of the night, the wood was eerily quiet. Jiang Wanyin couldn’t walk anymore tonight. Without his core, his body tired easily and having lost his consciousness once, Jiang Wanyin knew walking in wood at night was a foolish endeavour. So, he decided to stay for the night and since he had no camping gear, he needed to find some sort of shelter. He looked around for a while and sighed in relief when he saw a shallow hollow in a huge tree several steps away. That would have to do.

He crawled in and heavily leaned further into the hollow of the tree as he closed his eyes. Tiredness engulfed him quickly into slumber. In his sleep, he dreamt of a pair of kind, welcoming honey-gold eyes and the warm embrace that sheltered him from nightmares. He allowed the remembrance of sandalwood and wildflower scents surrounding him and the echoes of a deep, smooth voice lulling him. The upcoming heartbreak when Lan Xichen would finally choose his home didn’t stop Jiang Wanyin from dreaming of the most beautiful man - inside and outside - that he had ever had the privilege of falling in love with.

These dreams would have to be enough.

* * * * * *

Lan Xichen had left Lan Wangji with a promise that he would come back to Cloud Recesses to explain everything to Lan Qiren. He owed that much to his uncle who had raised him. But his gratitude to Lan Qiren could never sway him from leaving Jiang Wanyin. While he flew home – home to Jiang Wanyin – he had already made plans to abdicate his sect leader position to Lan Wangji and telling Lan Qiren that he had found a person worthy of wearing his white ribbon.

A Lan who had found his fated person. Even Lan Qiren couldn’t say much about that.

But when he landed in front of the small house, his eyebrows furrowed when Jiang Xian told him Jiang Wanyin hadn’t come home yet. That was strange. He had given ample of time for Jiang Wanyin and Wei Wuxian to talk things over. But he refused to worry just yet. When Jiang Xian asked about his teacher’s whereabouts, Lan Xichen told the young man everything and the utter distaste shown on Jiang Xian’s usual gentle face almost made Lan Xichen chuckle. Lan Wangji had hated Jiang Wanyin for hurting Wei Wuxian for sixteen years and therefore, Jiang Wanyin certainly wasn’t lacking in his own horde of protectors. Jiang Xian clearly despised Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian for treating Jiang Wanyin badly and the news of Wei Wuxian chasing after Jiang Wanyin didn’t sit well with him.

But he told Jiang Xian that whatever Jiang Wanyin decided, all that they could do was support him. All Lan Xichen wanted was Jiang Wanyin to be happy.

So, both of them waited for Jiang Wanyin. But when the sky was beginning to paint pink and orange colours of late dusk, the worry that Lan Xichen refused to feel began to creep back. Multiple scenarios flitted across his mind and none of them was reassuring. Did Jiang Wanyin and Wei Wuxian fight after words failed them? Because if they did, Wei Wuxian didn’t know about Jiang Wanyin’s core limitation and knowing the younger man, Lan Xichen knew Jiang Wanyin would die before saying anything about his weakness to Wei Wuxian. Or what if Wei Wuxian left him injured after their fight, thinking Jiang Wanyin’s core could still mend his injuries? What if they were both dead by their stubbornness and their inability to communicate? Oh, by the heavens, Lan Xichen should never let Jiang Wanyin go on his own. What was he thinking?! By the way Jiang Xian fidgeted, he knew the junior cultivator was worrying as well.

“I’m going to look for him, Xian-gongzi. If he comes back before I do, please send me a butterfly message.”

“But how are you going to find him, Zewu-Jun? You can’t possibly plan to go Cloud Recesses and ask Wei Wuxian. That will take a long time!”

Lan Xichen paused for a while before he had a grace to flush in embarrassment. “Please don’t tell Wanyin yet, but I had sewn in a tracking talisman in the seam of his hair ribbon.”

Jiang Xian’s eyes bugged out. “You tagged him? Like cattle?! Zewu-Jun!”

“What?! No! Not like cattle!” Lan Xichen exclaimed; scandalised. “You know how unpredictable Jiang Wanyin’s core is. I have always feared that if we went to night-hunt and then, we got separated that I couldn’t feel his qi to locate him. So, the only way I can think of a way to keep track of him is putting a tracking talisman so that I can find him anywhere and anytime – even without his core.”

Jiang Xian’s mouth dropped open. It took several tries before he could speak. “Jiang-laoshi is going to murder you when he finds out.” He breathed tremblingly. The audacity of Zewu-Jun amazed him.

“He won’t.” Lan Xichen replied convincingly.

“Oh, he certainly will.” Jiang Xian nodded his head, then he shook his head in exasperation. “Is this one of the Lan’s quirks when they fall in love? Being all… Unreasonablely possessive?”

“Think of it as a tentative precaution,” Lan Xichen said with a serene smile, before he stepped onto Shuoyue.

As Jiang Xian watched Zewu-Jun fly away, a deep, deep amusement filled him. Tentative precaution, huh? How ironic that his teacher, who was so fiercely independent and hated fussing with vengeance, got himself saddled with Zewu-Jun, who had protectiveness and possessiveness instincts that ran too wide and too deep. All he knew was, Jiang-laoshi would have to learn to accept those and Zewu-Jun would need to learn to temper his instincts. He certainly looked forward to seeing them do that.

The talisman that Lan Xichen sewed into the ribbon that he bought for Jiang Wanyin was a simplified one. If he were to sew a full tracking talisman, Jiang Wanyin would certainly notice. But the problem with the simplified talisman, the tracking did not point to the exact location. It had the deviation of several mi and in the darkness of the night, the search was going to be quite arduous. Lan Xichen flew for an hour until his tracking spell indicated that Jiang Wanyin was somewhere around here. He frowned when he took note of the location – dense wood and cold air, the moonlight couldn’t even touch the ground.

He sheathed Shuoyue as he proceeded to search for Jiang Wanyin. With his sight enhanced by his qi, Lan Xichen looked for any traces left by his partner – footprints, broken leaves, anything at all. There was a small clearing and the traces left there was alarming to say the least. The ground bore the marks of swords and the burnt stones and dirt, indicating the use of Zidian – furiously. So, Jiang Wanyin and Wei Wuxian did fight. Did someone get hurt? There were a few drops of blood, but they were too little to classify as sword injury. 

Could it be nosebleeds? Lan Xichen thought as his heart quickened at the implication. Fear struck hard at the thought of Jiang Wanyin burning through his core to the point he was using his own lifeforce. It had been months since he had done that, not since Lan Xichen specifically expressed his unhappiness of seeing Jiang Wanyin pushing himself to his own detriment, but with Wei Wuxian, Jiang Wanyin could be quite irrational. 

“Wanyin!” Lan Xichen called out; panic now, as he frantically followed the track. “Wanyin, where are you?!”

The wood was silent but for the night sounds of insect and small night creatures. Lan Xichen’s voice echoed eerily. Worry built within him. “Jiang Wanyin, answer me!” He called out again. He tried his tracking spell once again and was reassured that his partner was still somewhere within the vicinity. Or at least the ribbon was in the vicinity.

In his haste, he was lucky to even spot a strip of cloth stuck on one of the roots of a huge tree in front him. The cloth was in lavender colour and it was without a doubt from Jiang Wanyin’s robe. The man must be somewhere here. Just as Lan Xichen opened his mouth to call out again, his eyes caught a bulk of something hidden inside the hollow of a tree. He inhaled sharply when he realised it was Jiang Wanyin.

“Wanyin…?” Lan Xichen called out softly as he crouched low to crawl partially into the hollow. The man himself didn’t even stir – was he sleeping or was he losing his consciousness? Lan Xichen reached out to touch his face. There were faint fogs of soft and even breathing with a chilled cheek under his palm. Jiang Wanyin was merely sleeping, he sighed in relief. Gently, he shook Jiang Wanyin’s shoulder. “Wanyin, wake up. Why are you sleeping here?”

The fatigue from the loss of core function caused Jiang Wanyin to wake up slowly, like he was emerging from clouds of cotton. At first he thought Lan Xichen’s voice was in his dream but the gentle shake on his shoulder gradually told him that it was real. Opening his eyes with effort, he silently cursed the way his body was punishing him for pushing the core too much today. Plus, the emotional upheavals that he experienced today only made the situation even worse. “Xichen…?”

“Yes, it’s me. Come out to me,” Lan Xichen coaxed.

Jiang Wanyin groaned as he shook the last vestige of previous sleep. As soon as Jiang Wanyin crawled out from the hollow, Lan Xichen hauled him up, onto his lap and into his embrace. The worry in his heart finally eased.

“Oh, you’re cold,” Lan Xichen murmured as he rubbed the cold cheeks with his thumbs - Jiang Wanyin grunted in relief at the warmth Lan Xichen shared. “What happened? We’re both worried.”

“My core died,” Jiang Wanyin replied in matter-of-fact manner. It was a testament of how deep his trust in Lan Xichen that it was easy for him to show his weakness..

Lan Xichen tilted Jiang Wanyin’s face up in scrutiny “I’ve thought as much. Did you fight with Wei Wuxian? I saw some sword marks on the ground not far from here.”

Jiang Wanyin sighed as he nodded. “Wei Wuxian never knew when to stop pushing, but I have always been able to shrug it off. But this time…” His fists curled tightly at the remembrance. Fire of anger still burned within him each time he recalled all moments when Wei Wuxian thought he went back to the Wens because he was a prideful and vengeful person. The surety way he had said it told Jiang Wanyin that Wei Wuxian had never thought he was capable of doing anything out of his love for his family. How his heart bled - still bleeding - at that revelation. To be viewed so lowly by his own sworn brother all his life… But Wei Wuxian had been on his knees, begging for a chance of reconciliation. How could he find the strength and kindness to give him that? This new wound was so raw. “I was so angry… I might have gone a bit overboard.”

Lan Xichen bit his lips, recalling in return the vicious words his own brother had spewed to Jiang Wanyin. The audacity of Lan Wangji to call Jiang Wanyin, his partner, a killer when none of them had ever had clean hands either. And to accuse Jiang Wanyin to be as manipulative as Jin Guangyao… If Lan Wangji had been willing to put away his hatred and prejudice for a moment, he would have seen Jiang Wanyin to be so incapable of any deception, let alone Jin Guangyao's kind of deception. 

Lan Xichen was so ashamed, enraged and regretful Jiang Wanyin had to hear that. Lan Wangji should have been a model for good conduct and he had failed his clan in every way. Lan Xichen had to recompense for that. “Wanyin…”

“Hm…?” The said man raised his eyes.

Jiang Wanyin was startled when Lan Xichen used his powerful arms to lift him from his lap and put Jiang Wanyin in front of him while Lan Xichen sat a few spaces away. And then, Jiang Wanyin’s eyes went wide in utter shock when he saw Lan Xichen put his hands on the ground and began to bow . He jerked forward as he yelled. “Xichen! What the hell?”

“I want to apologise on behalf of my brother. He was way out of line for saying such vicious words towards you. I have reprimanded him for his errs and warned him against any future similar actions.” Lan Xichen said softly. 

“Damn it! I don’t care about that!” Jiang Wanyin snapped distressfully as he grabbed Lan Xichen’s arms and tried to haul the man back up. “There’s nothing about what Lan Wangji said is new. I knew back then he hated me and that will never change. Why are you apologising? Get up! Get up!”

Jiang Wanyin hated to see Lan Xichen bowing down to him because he was unworthy. Thus, as soon as Lan Xichen rose from his bow, Jiang Wanyin lunged forward and kissed Lan Xichen. He swallowed the apologies through the kiss, not wanting to hear it anymore. He kissed Lan Xichen to delete the image of the taller man in humility and to delete the way that image pained his heart. Lan Xichen should never bow down to him. Weren’t they equal in every way?

The kiss was a messy affair as it was born from chaotic feelings from Jiang Wanyin, but still Lan Xichen took it all greedily. When Jiang Wanyin breathlessly pulled away from the kiss, Lan Xichen raised his head to look at his partner. He knew that Jiang Wanyin meant every word of not wanting the apology. 

The former sect leader had spent almost all his life with vicious words the cultivation world threw at him. While those were hurtful, he was also used to hearing that. He had stopped expecting any word of apology. This was the first time Lan Xichen had heard and seen it in person, and watched as the words impact Jiang Wanyin. 

Oh, how Lan Xichen’s heart bled. To think Jiang Wanyin had been listening to those words for years and years… Never again , Lan Xichen vowed silently. Never again would he let anybody get away unscathed if those kinds of words were uttered again.

“Don’t you dare do that ever again,” Jiang Wanyin growled. “Don’t bow to me like I’m better than you.”

“My family member hurt you, Wanyin,” Lan Xichen said softly. “I couldn’t be at peace without making it right.”

Jiang Wanyin glared. “I don’t care if the whole world does it! What power do I have, to control what other people talk and think about me?”

“None whatsoever,” Lan Xichen agreed. Jiang Wanyin narrowed his eyes suspiciously at the easy capitulation. 

“Right, okay, then.”

“But I can control the way I retaliate if I ever heard people talk to you like that again,” Lan Xichen added mildly. He laughed at Jiang Wanyin’s scandalous expression at Lan Xichen’s rare display of violence. 

“Did I just corrupt you?!” Jiang Wanyin demanded. “You would never say those kinds of things before.”

“Maybe I just hidden it very well and it takes a very precious person to finally bring out that side of me.” Lan Xichen smiled.

Blushes rose so suddenly to his face that Jiang Wanyin sputtered wordlessly. 

“Let’s go home, Wanyin. I fear we may have caused Jiang Xian to unnecessarily worry about us.” 

Jiang Wanyin’s heart stuttered at the way Lan Xichen casually said the word ‘home’. His fists curled around the fabric on his knees - how he wanted that. He wanted to be Lan Xichen’s home because Lan Xichen was his home. But… “Is it yours too?” Jiang Wanyin asked softly instead. 

Lan Xichen was whiplash from the sudden change of mood and he frowned at the vague question. “What is mine too?”

Jiang Wanyin looked up to Lan Xichen’s face - it was too dark for his sight to see clearly without his core. But he knew Lan Xichen could see him clearly. “Home. Is my home yours too?” He clarified. 

“Oh…” 

“Xichen… We need to talk about this,” Jiang Wanyin said. There was a heavy lead within his heart and in his throat but they couldn’t let the elephant in the room hovered in the background anymore. No matter how this conversation would hurt him later, Jiang Wanyin wanted Lan Xichen to know where he stood. 

Lan Xichen exhaled softly. He knew this would come up. Lan Wangji had insinuated so clearly to both of them about what he thought when Lan Xichen hadn’t come home for a year and hadn’t been replying to Wei Wuxian’s letters for the last six months. His brother thought Jiang Wanyin was holding Lan Xichen back from assuming his responsibilities. 

Which was partially wrong. 

He was reluctant to go back because of Jiang Wanyin but at the same time, even if Jiang Wanyin didn’t return his feelings, Lan Xichen still couldn’t find the strength to go back to the solitude and the coldness and the 4000-rules rigidity of Gusu Lan. Not when he had tasted the wild beauty of Jiang Wanyin - free, untouched and broken in such an exquisite way. He would still want to stay by his side even as a mere friend.

“You’re cold, Wanyin. Won't you like to go home first?” Lan Xichen asked instead.

Jiang Wanyin shook his head. “Please, I don’t want to wait.” He might not have the strength to broach this topic again in the future. 

Lan Xichen nodded his head in resignation. 

“Before you say anything, I want to make two things clear,” Jiang Wanyin began. “First of all, I want you to know that you are under no obligation whatsoever to stay by my side. Jiang Xian can do the qi transferral. Plus, now that I know how to gauge the qi fluctuation in my core, I think I can manage the night-hunt all on my own, should I need one,” Jiang Wanyin had to look away from the darkness in Lan Xichen’s face and the sharpness in his gaze. Lan Xichen was clearly displeased with that. 

“Secondly,” Jiang Wanyin swallowed hard as his hands clenched tightly. “Secondly, despite knowing that you have your own responsibilities as a sect leader, I have shown an unbecoming conduct by still keeping you with me even when I’ve shown improvement with my core. Instead of thanking you and letting you go, I have instead, clung so shamelessly onto you. I have let my feelings for you tether you here. You’re a sect leader; your responsibilities should always come first but I have taken advantage of your kindness.”

“May I interrupt?” Lan Xichen said abruptly. He could no longer stay silent in the face of such accusations towards his cultivation partner. Even if it was he, himself, who spewed such accusations. “You do know that if I didn’t want to be here, nothing could have stopped me. If I had stayed away from Gusu Lan and from my responsibilities, how could it ever be your fault?” He emphasised. “It is me who is in the wrong. I should have sent a letter to Gusu Lan; I should have gone there and told them about my circumstance.”

“I-,” Jiang Wanyin halted. “I don’t want you to think you have to choose to be with me. I don’t want to trap you here, in the peripheral of the cultivation world, when you deserve more than a life in the shadows with me.”

Lan Xichen’s eyes softened. The way Jiang Wanyin couldn’t seem to demand anything in return for this love that they shared endeared Lan Xichen so very much. The man, who was seen by the world as selfish and angry, ironically possessed an unfathomable depth of selflessness for the people he loved because he never knew to ask for anything. That never ceased to amaze him. So, Lan Xichen reached out to hold Jiang Wanyin’s hand tightly. 

“Lan Wangji did ask me when I am going to go home.”

Jiang Wanyin swallowed hard. He had expected Lan Wangji to insist his brother to come home but to have Lan Xichen confirm it was another thing. “And?”

Lan Xichen said softly with a smile on his face. “It took a frank question from Lan Wangji for me to realise that I don’t want to be where you’re not.”

Jiang Wanyin’s mouth dropped open in shock. He couldn't mean the way that Jiang Wanyin thought he meant. “What, why?! Xichen, I can't go back to the cultivation world. I can’t. Why would you want to be with me when you could have gone back to your home and be someone important?!”

Lan Xichen shook his head hard. “I would never dream of forcing you to be where you don’t want to either. Just like you don’t want to trap me in exile, I, too, don’t want to prison you in the world which hurts you the most.” Lan Xichen raised his hands to cradle Jiang Wanyin’s face; his thumbs were caressing the high cheekbones like he was touching the most sacred treasure - reverently. “I want you to know that you’re my home , Wanyin. Not the sect on the mountain or the small house by the lake of lotuses or within the cultivation world - but with you. Where you are is where I want to be. I am content to wander the world just as long as you are here with me.” 

Lan Xichen’s declaration froze Jiang Wanyin. For the first time in his life, someone chose him. Something within him cracked in a such bittersweet way. Lan Xichen chose him over his beloved home on the mountain, over the sect leader post, over the cultivation world. It had never happened before. He had been so ready to let Lan Xichen go and his heart ached when he realised he didn't have to. 

He moved his own hand up to clench one of Lan Xichen’s hands on his cheek. “Are- are you sure?” He asked hoarsely. 

“I’ve thought about this for months. The thought of being without you sickened me so much. It fills me with so much dread and I-” Lan Xichen could never finish his sentence when Jiang Wanyin suddenly threw himself onto Lan Xichen; his arms wrapped around the taller man’s neck as Jiang Wanyin hugged Lan Xichen so tightly.

“Don’t regret it,” Jiang Wanyin’s tone was low, almost begging desperately. “Please, don’t ever regret this…”

Lan Xichen groaned with equal fervour as he put his own arm around Jiang Wanyin’s waist and his other hand behind his partner’s head, pulling him impossibly closer towards him. “Sweetheart, my sweetheart… my days of regrets and loneliness are over. I shall never make you regret this either.”

No one knew who initiated this kiss. It could be Jiang Wanyin who pulled Lan Xichen towards him or it could be Lan Xichen who lowered his lips but it didn’t matter because they were desperate to feel closer and closer to each other. This love burned so brightly within them, bringing both back to life from the ashes of loss, anger, betrayal and sorrow. This love allowed them to find their way back from the permeated darkness into the light of tentative hope for a happier future. 

They took a chance of this love despite being burned in the past. They hold it with both of their hands, tightly and securely, never intending to let this go for as long as they were alive and together and even then, this love would sustain them for life beyond death.     

* * * * * * 

It had been more than a year since Jin Ling had heard from his uncle. He had kept himself busy with sect affairs, but there were times during which there were internal quarrels between the sect elders, between the smaller sects within Lanling and even between major sects, Jin Ling found himself keenly missing Jiang Wanyin’s steadfast presence beside him, where with one scowl, he could quieten the arguments. He missed the counsels that Jiang Wanyin gave and he pretended to not need them. He missed the security and the wisdom and the strength of his jiujiu, realising how much he had taken it for granted when Jiang Wanyin was around. He cursed his early days of even thinking he had prefered Wei Wuxian's carefree ways compared to jiujiu, because now that he was a sect leader of his own, he knew why Jiang Wanyin acted the way he did. To be responsible for his people’s lives was a daunting task indeed.

As more time passed by, the relationship between Lanling Jin Sect and Gusu Lan Sect was becoming sourer. It might be petty on Jin Ling's side, but there was no way Jin Ling would ever let go of the fact that it was Wei Wuxian and Hanguang-Jun’s doing that caused his beloved jiujiu to go away just so he could find the air to simply breathe . And he didn’t even know what the hell was up with Zewu-Jun. Did he find his uncle? Couldn’t the man take a moment to send him a letter, updating him? How hard could it be? Just a one-sentence letter would have suffice. Jin Ling would have been satisfied with a simple I have found Jiang Wanyin and he is doing well. 

Not only that, Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi had also come countless times to beg for their precious Hanguang-Jun’s pardon but Jin Ling got his obstinance and pettiness from Jiang Wanyin and he knew how to hold on to his grudge. For as long as Jiang Wanyin was not in his life, Jin Ling could never forgive either of them. He had even received a long missive from Lan Qiren , of all people, but Jin Ling dug his heels. 

He wanted Jiang Wanyin, not their empty words and promises.

Last year, Wei Wuxian had come asking for his audience, but Jin Ling turned him away. And he had come again and again and again, only to be rejected coldly. He might have forgiven Wei Wuxian for the part he played in his parents’ death. But Jin Ling didn’t know his parents. They were some people whom Jin Ling knew through the tales from his jiujiu. But Jiang Wanyin was not some tale of people long passed. Jin Ling was raised by him. Jin Ling had been scolded, disciplined but thoroughly and undeniably loved by him. Jin Ling knew all of his uncle’s vices and all of his virtues. Everything that Jin Ling was, was moulded and cultivated patiently and loving by Jiang Wanyin. Thus, transgressions against Jiang Wanyin by Wei Wuxian and Hanguang-Jun were so much more difficult to be forgiven compared to his parents. 

So, when his assistant announced that Wei Wuxian was still trying to see him, Jin Ling was not surprised. Wei Wuxian was infamously known for being pushily insistent when he set his mind to do something and right now, Wei Wuxian was insistent to talk to him. 

If it was any other day, Jin Ling would tell his assistant to deny Wei Wuxian entrance just like he did twice before this. But today, Jin Ling had been in a melancholic mood. Today marked a year since Jiang Zhou had come presenting him the box and the letter from Jiang Wanyin. It made the hollow within Jin Ling feel even bigger. He missed jiujiu. Jiang Wanyin had promised to come and see him… he thought petulantly. Wasn’t a year enough? Didn’t he miss him like Jin Ling had missed him? If jiujiu came back, Jin Ling would never make him feel lacking. He would never make him feel like he was drowning. 

His eyes were wet with tears and his heart ached.

Maybe Wei Wuxian came because he had some news about Jiang Wanyin.

The surprise on his assistant’s face when he unexpectedly acquiesced was warranted, considering his vehemency at Wei Wuxian’s requests previously. He ordered Wei Wuxian to be directed at his personal office.

“Jin Ling…” Wei Wuxian began with a wide, relief smile.

Jin Ling glanced at Hanguang-Jun standing loyally beside his husband and his own dark eyes narrowed at the uninvited guest. He thought Wei Wuxian had come alone. And just like that his melancholic state dissipated. Damn it, he was going to have some harsh words with his assistant at this omission. He looked back at Wei Wuxian before growling, “It’s Sect Leader Jin to you.”

He watched with quiet satisfaction when the smile on Wei Wuxian dimmed a bit and Hanguang-Jun frowned deeper. “You have been very insistent to see me, Wei-xiansheng. You must have a very urgent news to relay.”

Wei Wuxian swallowed hard several times. Xiansheng. It was a testament how distant Jin Ling had decided to place him in his life. Oh… to have Jin Ling deeply upset with him was as worse as having A-Jie being angry at him - which he had never experienced when A-Jie was still alive. “Sect Leader Jin,” He corrected himself, as he bowed properly. Ever since Jiang Wanyin had quitted the cultivation world and had returned his core back, Wei Wuxian found himself to be unable to be as carefree as he used to be. Jiang Wanyin’s actions had spurred Wei Wuxian to act more maturely and more responsibly. How the table turned! It was Wei Wuxian who was now shackled with propriety while Jiang Wanyin was out there without the burden of responsibilities. “I am here on behalf of Sect Leader Lan-.”

Jin Ling’s eyes widened. “Sect Leader Lan has returned to Cloud Recesses?” He interrupted, heart racing. Had Zewu-Jun found jiujiu? If so, why hadn’t he come and see him? 

Wei Wuxian bit his lips as he glanced back at Hanguang-Jun. The expressionless face of his husband shifted slightly in resignation. “We planned to announce it in the coming conference, but since you've asked… Hanguang-Jun had taken over Zewu-Jun’s position as Sect Leader Lan,” Wei Wuxian said.

His mouth dropped open as Jin Ling’s eyes bugged out in utter, utter surprise. Silence filled the room before Jin Ling asked, “Zewu-Jun stepped down? Why?”

“Ah…” Wei Wuxian hesitated. Last month, Lan Xichen had flown to Cloud Recesses and Wei Wuxian could still remember the utter disappointment he had felt when he realised Lan Xichen had come alone. Kneeling in front of Lan Qiren and Lan Zhan, Lan Xichen had calmly stated his intention of letting go his birthright to Lan Wangji. The announcement was not well-received by Lan Qiren, judging by the bright red on his cheeks as the older man tried to hold back his anger. Even Lan Wangji, who had anticipated this announcement, had gone pale. Lan Xichen had sat there in silence as he endured Lan Qiren’s explosive rant and Lan Wangji’s pale stare at him. Despite the harsh words, Wei Wuxian looked at the serene face on Lan Xichen while he sat there, realising the stark difference between the serene mask he had worn during the seclusion as compared to this serenity that surrounded him. Wei Wuxian took in the soft smile on Lan Xichen’s face and how the smile reached all the way to his eyes. He took in the way Lan Xichen’s back straightened in determination and his chin was raised in conviction. There was nothing Lan Qiren could say that could sway Lan Xichen from his decision.

How could they say anything in the face of such enormity of love Lan Xichen held for Jiang Wanyin? 

In a way, Wei Wuxian was glad for his brother. He was glad that even at the end of his world, Jiang Cheng had found someone to love him in such an unconditional way that Wei Wuxian couldn’t measure. Lan Xichen had succeeded in the way Wei Wuxian had failed. It was such a bittersweet feeling. 

At the end of the rant, Lan Xichen looked at Lan Zhan and spoke one sentence that sealed Lan Zhan’s (and in a way, Wei Wuxian’s as well because where Lan Zhan went, undoubtedly Wei Wuxian would go as well) fate. 

“You told me once that if I found Jiang Wanyin, you would owe me your whole life.”

The life as a sect leader. That was the life that Lan Zhan had owed to his brother. Lan Zhan had inhaled sharply, utterly surprised at Lan Xichen’s words. Even Lan Qiren ceased his angry rants. 

The lengthy silence in the room was oppressing. 

“If that’s what you want, brother,” Lan Zhan agreed eventually.

“And that’s all I ever asked of you,” Lan Xichen replied softly. Lan Qiren just sighed in resignation in front of the steel-wall of stubbornness but the elder didn’t demand Lan Xichen to give back the jade token and the white ribbon. By the softness in Lan Xichen’s eyes, he understood the unspoken acceptance in his uncle’s action (or rather, inaction). It was Lan Qiren’s way of telling Lan Xichen that he was welcome to come back to Cloud Recesses if he wished to.

And here they were, in front of Jin Ling, Hanguang-Jun had become the esteemed Sect Leader Lan, while Wei Wuxian, as his spouse, had to assume the responsibility as Sect Leader Lan’s partner. It meant, Wei Wuxian’s days of wandering and gallivanting were over. Well, until Lan Zhan hoisted the title to his heir years later. The irony was too bitter to stomach.

It was still a small price to pay, Wei Wuxian thought, if it meant Jiang Cheng got even the smallest measure of peace. And if he received Jiang Cheng’s forgiveness on top of that, Wei Wuxian would pay for it for as long as he lived.

Jin Ling looked at Wei Wuxian and Hanguang-Jun’s hesitation and his quick mind instantly made the connection. His heart raced in excitement. “Zewu-Jun had found jiujiu, hadn’t he? And he confessed his feelings to him, right? If he had stepped down, it could only mean two things: either jiujiu had harshly refused him and Zewu-jun was brokenhearted or… or -” Jin Ling raised his hand to his mouth in shock or happiness. “ Or jiujiu returned his feelings and Zewu-Jun decided to be with him! Oh my god… oh my GOD! Zewu-Jun had better not elope with my jiujiu or there’ll be hell to pay for this!!!”  

It was Wei Wuxian and Hanguang-Jun’s turn to have their mouths dropped open in surprise. The twin shock expressions were almost comical to watch. “Y- you knew?” Hanguang-Jun breathed.

“How did you know?!” Wei Wuxian cried.

“WHAT?!” Jin Ling jumped on his feet, hands on his hips, eyes blazing. “Zewu-Jun ELOPED with my jiujiu?! HOW DARE HE-”

“No!” Wei Wuxian waved his arms in exasperation. “How did you know Zewu-Jun had fallen in love with Jiang Cheng?! And how could I have missed it all this time?!”

Jin Ling snorted in a self-important manner. It was not often he got one-up on Wei Wuxian and he was going to milk it for all its worth. “Zewu-Jun came to ask for my permission seven months ago to wander in Lanling to look for jiujiu. Of course I refused him initially, with him being a Gusu Lan member and your clan was the one of the main reasons jiujiu left the cultivation world - I was livid enough to not wanting to do anything with Gusu Lan-” he noted with an evil glee to seen Hanguang-Jun looked away in an embarrassment (oh, God, he hoped to high hell Hanguang-Jun was feeling chastised ); his ears red and Wei Wuxian flinched; his face went pale. Good. Jin Ling thought grimly. I am not even halfway finished laying it all on them. “-but Zewu-Jun seemed strangely desperate to find jiujiu. I thought the desperation was because he wanted to appease Hanguang-Jun, but then he said something that changed my mind.”

Wei Wuxian swallowed hard. “What did he say?”

“He said he knew jiujiu had been feeling lonely for so long already. He said he could make jiujiu happy.” Jin Ling said. “That’s when I knew Zewu-Jun had feelings for him, which was weird because, I know for a fact that before all this, Zewu-Jun and jiujiu were not close. They rarely interacted with each other except when they talked about the sect affairs. So, if Zewu-Jun developed feelings for jiujiu, it must have been when he was in seclusion or when he was looking for jiujiu.”

Wei Wuxian went silent for a while, before he spoke up quietly. “It couldn’t be while Zewu-Jun was in seclusion. Jiang Cheng was visiting me…” He recalled the bi-weekly visits that he had taken for granted.

“Mn.. no personal missives sent to my brother either.” Hanguang-Jun supported.

Jin Ling crossed his arms over his chest as he scowled. “Even if Zewu-Jun had fallen for jiujiu during his search, why does that matter at all? If in his quest he finally got to know jiujiu the way people should have, I am not surprised at all at Zewu-Jun’s feelings for jiujiu. Jiujiu is a catch! Anybody would be lucky to have him! People are too stupid, too shallow-” he glared at Hanguang-Jun. “-to try to understand him. Zewu-Jun finally took the effort and of course he was ensnared.”

“But-” Wei Wuxian protested but was quickly cut off by Jin Ling.

“Why are you here, Wei Wuxian?” Jin Ling asked. “You’ve asked for my audience twice. I’m assuming it is something important?”

Wei Wuxian straightened his back at Jin Ling’s cold stare. He was reminded of the real reason why he was here. As much as he wanted to pursue the topic of how Zewu-Jun could mystically have fallen in love with Jiang Cheng so much so he was willing to let go his sect leader position and reduce himself as a mere rogue cultivator, Wei Wuxian had to assume a responsibility as Gusu Lan Sect leader’s spouse and repair the diplomatic relationship that had gone sour because of him.

He clasped his hand in front of him in a gesture of respect. “Sect Leader Jin, I am, Wei Wuxian, spouse of Sect Leader Lan, Hanguang-Jun. I am here to humbly request for the mending of our diplomatic relationship between two sects. Whatever it is that you require for Gusu Lan to bequeath, we are willing to accommodate.”

Something sharp sliced through Jin Ling. As if his anger could be cheapened and appeased by several shiny things. Did they think his rage was trivial?! “Whatever it is that I require? What could Gusu Lan possibly bequeath to Lanling Jin that we couldn't get on our own?” He sneered, looking so much like Jiang Wanyin at the moment. “Do you even know why I allow the relationship between the sects to dwindle?”

Wei Wuxian glanced nervously back at Lan Wangji. Lan Wangji looked once at his husband, before taking a few steps forward. “Why don’t you make it clear, Sect Leader Jin?” He said quietly.

Jin Ling’s grip on Suihua tightened as rage welled within him. “I want Jiang Wanyin back to where he belongs! I want him to unhear all the vicious things that were spoken to him! I want his heart to be unbroken!” He roared. “Can you make all that happen, Sect Leader Lan? ” 

Hanguang-Jun’s jaw rippled repeatedly. Guilt consumed his being. He was well aware of all the harsh words that he had uttered in the fit of his anger. He knew now how blind he could be when it came to Wei Ying - how all four thousand rules dissipated into irrelevant wind when he perceived his beloved husband was being slighted in the very least.  Perhaps it was because he had failed Wei Ying so spectacularly before that he was so afraid of failing him again this time. In his blindness and righteous rage, he dumped it all on Jiang Wanyin - blaming him solely for Wei Ying’s death. As he recalled all the ugly actions and words he had done and spoken for years and years, Hanguang-Jun finally realised his brother was right - he had done enough damage to the Jiang Wanyin and Wei Wuxian’s relationship. 

“I cannot undo them.” Hanguang-Jun said. “I can merely atone for them.”

“Damn your atonement!” Jin Ling shouted. “Your words are not enough, Hanguang-Jun! You have always treated Jiang Wanyin like shit! You offended my family, how am I supposed to overlook that?! Tell me!”

“Jin Ling…” Wei Wuxian started.

“And you!” Jin Ling threw his blazing gaze at the shorter man. “How could you do that to your shidi?! How could you stand by and watch Hanguang-Jun say all those ugly things to jiujiu and not say anything?! How could you not fight for him ? I would not let anybody do and say that to Sizhui or Jingyi and they are not even my sworn brothers!”

Wei Wuxian gasped at the pain from Jin Ling’s words. 

Jin Ling wasn’t finished. “I don’t know what happened between you two in your previous life. But at the Guanyin Temple, I understood enough that you'd given your core to jiujiu by fucking lying to him!!! And you let him come to go Cloud Recesses - to grovel to you, when you are in the wrong as well! You lied to him, Wei Wuxian! You lie to him and you let him live with that lie for sixteen years and then, you let him grovel like he was in the wrong!” 

Tears pooled in Jin Ling’s eyes - he was so angry, so frustrated and so, so hurtful for his jiujiu. “You are a fucking asshole , Wei Wuxian. I don’t even know why jiujiu even tried - you do not deserve his loyalty and love! You simply don’t deserve him!” 

Wei Wuxian’s tears fell down as he reached out to grab Jin Ling’s hand. “I know that.”

Jin Ling twisted his hand, trying to pull his hand away from Wei Wuxian. He lost his family due to careless words from them. He just wanted Jiang Wanyin to come back. He wanted to see him whole, healthy and happy. “How many more of my family members do you plan to take away from me?” He asked cruelly and his heart pounded in a mixture of satisfaction and guilt when he watched blood rush out of Wei Wuxian’s face, leaving it scarily white.

Hanguang-Jun shared the paleness of his husband, equally affected by those words but he could not offer anymore words to refute Jin Ling. How could he when everything Jin Ling said was true?

“Please, Jin Ling…” Wei Wuxian whispered; the heartbreak in his face was so stark that something within Jin Ling’s heart began to reluctantly soften. “Please… I’m trying so hard to make this right. I know all of my transgression against Jiang Cheng, and, oh heavens, I am trying so hard to atone. I refuse to believe that I am too late.”

“Did you find jiujiu?” Jin Ling demanded.

Wei Wuxian nodded, encouraged by Jin Ling’s slight inclination toward him. “I did. He wasn’t very amenable towards me-” And that was to put it mildly, but Jin Ling didn’t need to know how they nearly cut each others’ heads off. “But- but I think perhaps, in time, Jiang Cheng would be willing to forgive.”

“But he hasn’t yet?” 

“No, he hasn’t,” Wei Wuxian said ruefully.

“Good,” Jin Ling snorted before turning his head to the silent taller man beside Wei Wuxian. “What about you, Hanguang-Jun?” Jin Ling scowled. “What have you done to make this right?”

Hanguang-Jun wanted to say that he was trying to make this right by keeping his mouth shut and by allowing Wei Wuxian to fight his own fight, especially pertaining to his family members but he didn’t think Jin Ling was going to see it as sufficient. So, he answered, “Zewu-Jun thinks I should apologise to Jiang Wanyin and I wholeheartedly agree with that.” 

“So? When are you going to that?”

“Soon.” Hanguang-Jun said cryptically and Jin Ling was once again about to erupt before Wei Wuxian stepped in.

“We will, Jin Ling! But I made a promise to Jiang Cheng to allow him to make his first move towards me once he is ready. However long it takes, I will wait for him.” He looked at Hanguang-Jun, before he amended. “ We will wait for him.”

Jin Ling narrowed his eyes threateningly as he drew himself at his highest height, taking purposely steps towards Hanguang-Jun. “You wanted the diplomatic relationship between Gusu Lan and Lanling Jin to mend, right?” he growled. If his jiujiu would not demand for his own sake, Jin Ling would demand on his behalf.

Hanguang-Jun nodded warily.

“Then, the only thing that I require from Gusu Lan is that, when you are finally given the opportunity to see Jiang Wanyin, I want you to be on your knees , asking for his forgiveness .” Jin Ling said coldly, looking every inch like an authoritative sect leader. “Jiujiu’s days of grovelling is over.”

“Jin Ling!” Wei Wuxian exclaimed in shock at Jin Ling’s audacity. “You CANNOT-”

“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji stopped his husband by holding his hand. He kept his pale eyes on Sect Leader Jin, knowing that this was not a display of arrogance, but rather this was a display of hurt as his loved one was deeply hurt by him. If someone treated Wei Ying or Lan Xichen like he treated Jiang Wanyin, Lan Wangji knew he would not demand any less than what Jin Ling did. Thus, if Jin Ling wanted him to be on his knees, asking for forgiveness, then Lan Wangji would do it. 

For the sake of Wei Ying, who wanted to mend his relationship with his shidi;  for the sake of Lan Xichen, who loved Jiang Wanyin so thoroughly; for the sake of Gusu Lan, whose diplomatic relationship could only be repaired by soothing the anger and the hurt Sect Leader Jin had over the wrongs that had been done to his beloved uncle, Hanguang-Jun would fall on his knees asking for forgiveness that was long overdue asking. 

And also, for the sake of Jiang Wanyin, whom Lan Wangji had no right whatsoever to judge based on his own ignorance.

“I give you my word, Sect Leader Jin,” Hanguang-Jun said softly, his back bend in humility. 

Jin Ling stifled his surprise gasp. Truthfully? He wasn’t sure Hanguang-Jun would agree because for as long as he was aware, the hostility between Hanguang-Jun and jiujiu had always been there and Jin Ling had never ever seen an amicable word passed between them. And Hanguang-Jun wasn’t known for his humility. When he demanded Hanguang-Jun to do that, he had been fully ready to launch into another tirade when the taller man refused. So this… was utterly surprising. 

Composing himself, Jin Ling nodded. “Then, consider the relationship between Gusu Lan and Lanling Jin is mended.”

* * * * * * *

Lan Xichen hid his smile behind his sleeve as he watched Jiang Wanyin fuss over his ever messy hair. After two years wandering the world with this man, Lan Xichen knew intimately every of his silent gestures that spoke louder than words could ever do. Right now, Jiang Wanyin was nervous and uncertain; the way his fingers ran over his hair and the way he tried to straighten his robe was a clear sign. Instead of smoothing out the frayed wisps, Jiang Wanyin was only making his hair even more messy. 

Sighing softly, Lan Xichen grabbed his wandering hands before they made the fraying even worse. “Let me, Wanyin. You are making it even worse.”

“Damn it,” Jiang Wanyin groused but he turned around to allow Lan Xichen to undo his hair. “Of all the time for this stupid hair to not stay on its place, it has to be today!” 

Lan Xichen chuckled as he ran the black-laquered comb along Jiang Wanyin hair, before gathering the upper section of the hair to form a ponytail. His hand made an expert twist with the purple-white ribbon that he had bought his lover two years ago and finally slipping on the silver hair ornament in the shape of eight-petaled lotus to secure the whole hair. He, then, turned Jiang Wanyin to face him once again to smooth down the skewed robe. “I can never understand how you have always managed to mess up your hair,” he teased.

Jiang Wanyin snorted. “Well, if the ride on Sandu wasn't so bumpy every time my core decided to stutter, I would have kept my hair as pristine as yours, Xichen-ge.”

Like he always did when he heard Jiang Wanyin called him that, Lan Xichen dropped a lingering, affectionate kiss on Jiang Wanyin’s forehead and the tip of his nose. He whispered deeply, “I told you to ride on me , but you refused.”

Jiang Wanyin pushed Lan Xichen away, his face was immediately red as he blushed furiously. “Ride with me! Not on me ! You’re so shameless!”

Lan Xichen threw his head back and laughed freely. “Right, right. Sorry, Wanyin. You’re so cute when you blush.”

Jiang Wanyin scowled as he turned around to walk away from his aggravating lover. During the two years with Lan Xichen, Jiang Wanyin slowly uncovered the man beneath the serene smile. Lan Xichen was generous in his affection and unashamed in his words. Who knew the respected Zewu-Jun was so- so… free and unrestrained in bed? Jiang Wanyin still blushed whenever he recalled his first time sleeping with Lan Xichen. All his perceptions about Lan Xichen being inexperienced just as he was, was quickly corrected at the skillful way Lan Xichen brought him to climax. The utter delight on Lan Xichen’s face when he realised Jiang Wanyin could come untouched and more than once was so fucking embarrassing. The fact that Jiang Wanyin could never say no to Lan Xichen was the one thing he had exploited so shamelessly. Not to mention that Jiang Wanyin had actually passed out that night. Such a beast . Gusu Lan should burn down the 4000 rules - it only made its disciples utterly repressed and they unleashed all of their pent-up urges on their poor spouses. 

The sight of blushing Jiang Wanyin caused a rush of lust burned in his groin at the sight of his irresistible lover, but Lan Xichen pushed it away, knowing that despite the harsh denials Jiang Wanyin uttered, he knew where Jiang Wanyin would lay down at nights; it was with him within his arms in their bed. He knew intimately how the grouchy man melted beneath him from his kisses and touches and how the sight of it never failed to make Lan Xichen’s heart race and his blood burn. With an indulgent smile, he quickened his steps to catch up with Jiang Wanyin.

“Are you ready?” Lan Xichen asked softly.

Jiang Wanyin swallowed hard as he looked up at Lan Xichen. “It has been more than two years. What if he didn’t want anything to do with me?”

Lan Xichen grabbed his hand and squeezed it reassuringly. “He loves you, Wanyin. Wangji told me that he was demanded by the Sect Leader Jin to apologise to you if Gusu Lan ever wanted to mend its relationship with Lanling Jin. He wouldn’t demand it if he didn’t love you.”

Jiang Wanyin’s eyes burned at the revelation. “He shouldn’t jeopardise his sect’s well-being like that…”

“He was you, despite legally being a Jin. I , for one, know for sure how protective the Jiangs are when it comes to people that they love.” Lan Xichen said.

Jiang Wanyin gave a suspicious side-way glance. “If this is a reference to the last week’s night-hunt, I told you I didn’t have enough time to warn you, it was much easier if I stopped it myself-”

“Stop,” Lan Xichen laughed. “I didn’t make any specific insinuation - just a general observation.”

Before they knew it, they had arrived at the lavished entrance of Lanling Jin. The white and gold archway, followed by the ascent of similarly white and gold stairs, loomed before him. Jiang Wanyin heard the way Lan Xichen inhaled sharply at the sudden rush of memories of his previous life with his sworn brothers and it was his turn to grab Lan Xichen’s hand in support. He leaned softly against the taller man. “Are you alright? You don’t have to go with me if you didn’t want to. I know this place haunts you still.”

Lan Xichen shook his head softly. “I will always be where you are, Wanyin. The past will always remain in the past. Don’t worry about me.”

Jiang Wanyin frowned. “You know I can never stop worrying about you, right?”

A lopsided grin was etched on Lan Xichen’s face. “The feeling is mutual, sweetheart.”

At the gate of Carp Tower, Jiang Wanyin allowed the smallest grin at the way the guards’ mouths dropped open in utter shock. “Sect- sect leader Jiang?!”

“I am not Sect Leader Jiang anymore!” Jiang Wanyin snapped. “The real Sect Leader Jiang would have been offended to hear that.”

“Sorry!” Both of the guards bowed hastily in fear. 

Jiang Wanyin began to twist Zidian in awkwardness. “Is- is Jin Ling here?” He asked softly.

One of the guards raised his head. “Jiang.. Jiang-xiansheng,” he spoke up in hesitation, clearly didn’t know how to address Sandu Shengshou, now that he had not the sect leader position. “Sect leader Jin said to, and I quote, drag jiujiu in and do not let him leave in any circumstances whether I am here or not .”

“What…?” Jiang Wanyin breathed.

“He fear that he would not be here if one day you decided to come by, Jiang-xiansheng. Therefore, he was the most adamant in making sure you don't walk away in the event he really have to leave Lanling,” the guard explained.

There was a rock embedded in his stomach and his throat, making him hard to swallow. Tears burned in his eyes and his cheeks were red and warm. To think Jin Ling was afraid to even leave the compound of Tower Carp, fearing to miss him, made Jiang Wanyin angry at himself. He was angry that it took him more than two years to finally be courageous enough to venture into the cultivation world. He shouldn’t wait so long to visit Jin Ling. 

He didn’t think Jin Ling was waiting for him to come home everyday since he had left .

“I am welcome, then?” Jiang Wanyin asked in a small voice, so uncharacteristically. Even the guards seemed affected by this display that they nodded their heads vigorously; tears were also in their eyes.. “Am I- am I allowed to go in and greet him?”

“Please, Jiang-xiansheng!!! He is in the office at this time around.” 

With a blinding smile, Jiang Wanyin nodded his head as he walked in. The guards inhaled sharply as they were left dazed and breathless at the rare sight of Sandu Shengshou smiling. They had never thought him to be so breathtakingly beautiful. 

Just as their eyes began to chase after the exquisite sight, Zewu-Jun stepped into their line of sight. He smiled but both of the guards took a step back in nervousness at the coldness emitted from his face. With his eyes as hard as gold, Zewu-Jun walked towards the guards. “Am I allowed to go in, too?” He asked silkily.

“Y- yes, Zewu-Jun…” They stammered.

“Good.” He smiled eerily, which plunged more fear into them. “Make sure your eyes are where they are supposed to be and keep them away from Sandu Shengshou. ”

They squawked in the face of Zewu-Jun's dark possessiveness as they watched Zewu-Jun walk side-by-side with Sandu Shengshou. Eventually, they released a relieved sigh. “Fuck… Zewu-Jun is scarier than Hanguang-Jun when it comes to his partner.”

Each step Jiang Wanyin climbed, his heart thundered harder and louder. Only the solid presence of Lan Xichen beside him stopped from turning around and leaving. As he walked across the courtyard, the garden of peonies and the long hallway, he ignored the way the servants and the disciples looked at him and Lan Xichen in shock. Silence accompanied him all the way and Jiang Wanyin had to curl his hands into fists to stop himself (and Zidian) from lashing at people. He never liked being the centre of attention. 

When they had arrived, Jiang Wanyin looked at the closed door in trepidation. 

“Go on, Wanyin…” Lan Xichen urged softly. “I’ll be out here.”

Swallowing hard, Jiang Wanyin gathered his nerves before he raised his hand and knocked.

“What?” A grumpy voice echoed from inside and Jiang Wanyin let out an involuntary soft, teary laugh when he heard the voice that he hadn’t heard in nearly three years. Instantly, the rock in his stomach and throat disappeared.

So, he knocked again.

“WHAT?” Jin Ling repeated, getting grumpier. “I told you that I don’t want to be disturbed! These papers are not going to be signed by themselves!”

Jin Ling waited for a response but he received none. Okay, now he was getting angry. What the hell, seriously? “What do you want?!” He hollered again. He absolutely refused to get up and answer the door. Then, he heard a soft voice that caused his heart to stop and he dropped the brush that he was holding. The ink splattered across the letter that he writing. 

“I want to see my nephew, if that is not too much trouble.” The voice sounded muffled behind the oak door but Jin Ling would know that voice in any kind of circumstances. 

Tears immediately sprang into his eyes and slid down to his cheeks as he quickly scrambled on his feet. In his haste, he knocked down the vase, ignoring how it crashed behind him. He grabbed the door and pulled it open furiously. 

The sight that greeted him stole his breath away.

Under the bright sun, Jin Ling took in the sight of his long-missed uncle. Jiang Wanyin looked the same as always. Except he was a bit thinner, as shown by the sharper and more prominent cheekbones, and there was an aura of softness surrounding him. It was as if the anger that he always held beneath his skin was gone and replaced by the peaceful grumpiness that Jin Ling knew. But he could see happiness in every inch of his being. Jiujiu was smiling widely and it lit up his whole face.

Jiujiu was happy and healthy and here.  

Jin Ling pinched himself to make sure he wasn’t dreaming.

“Jiujiu!!!” Jin Ling gasped, nearly wailing, with tears and snot as he fell forward to pull him in his own embrace tightly. He took in the scent of lotus and earth and home when he buried his face into the crook of Jiang Wanyin’s neck. He would never let Jiang Wanyin go. Never again. Fresh tears fell down when he felt jiujiu hug him back with equal fervour and a harsh whisper of his name. “Jin Ling, Jin Ling…”

There they were, standing the middle of the hallway, crying and laughing like a pair of madmen and for once, none of them cared if anybody was watching them. They maintained in that position for the longest time, savouring the closeness that was long awaited. 

Eventually Jin Ling felt something was different. It took some time to realise. Oh… Jin Ling realised suddenly. “You’re getting shorter!” He exclaimed. He had to bend down to hug Jiang Wanyin.

Jiang Wanyin immediately whacked Jin Ling’s head. “I’m not, you brat! You’re the one who’s getting taller!” 

Both of them froze at the instinctive, familiar way they talked to each other like the almost three years of absence didn't affect their closeness at all. Jiang Wanyin’s own teary eyes looked at his nephew properly; the first time in more than two years. It squeezed his heart at how much Jin Ling looked like Jiang Yanli and yet, possessed the physique of his father. Jin Zixuan was always a tall bastard. His nephew had grown up so much and Jiang Wanyin could feel pride bubbling within him. “I’ve missed you,” the words came out involuntarily but Jiang Wanyin didn’t regret them.

“I’ve missed you, too, jiujiu. So much!” He wiped away the tears in his eyes. Then he brightened up as he pulled Jiang Wanyin into his office. “Come on, jiujiu! I have so much to ask of you!” 

Jiang Wanyin grumbled as he wiped away his own tears, but he still walked inside.

With Jiang Wanyin inside, Jin Ling was finally made aware of Lan Xichen’s presence for the first time. “Zewu-Jun…” Jin Ling said haltingly.

“Yes, Sect Leader Jin…?” Lan Xichen said tentatively. Their last interaction wasn’t very amicable, after all.

“Call me Jin Ling,” the youth said as he shrugged his shoulders awkwardly. He was acknowledging Zewu-Jun as someone that jiujiu had chosen to be his cultivation partner. It meant, Zewu-Jun was his family too. “I just- I just want to say thank you for bringing jiujiu back to me.”

Zewu-Jun smiled softly, highlighting his handsome feature. “It has been my utmost pleasure.”

Then, Jin Ling narrowed his eyes.  “Don’t you dare elope with jiujiu! I insist the whole ceremony to be done properly in Lanling Jin. Our family is not a pauper! I won’t have you embarrassing jiujiu like that!” 

Zewu-Jun’s mouth dropped down in open-mouth shock at the threat as Jin Ling turned around and ran after his uncle.

* * * * * *

Ten years later...

It was a cool morning in Cloud Recesses when a butterfly message flew into Wei Wuxian’s hands. The quietness of the hall was broken by Wei Wuxian’s shout as soon as he finished reading the message.

“Lan Zhan! Lan Zhan!” Ecstatic filled in his voice as Wei Wuxian ran across the Cloud Recesses.

Behind him, the last of the butterfly message read as it was disappearing….

Alright… Let’s meet.

-Jiang Cheng-