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“Listeners,” Cecil crooned into his microphone, “today is the grand opening of Night Vale’s new aquatic center. The new aquatic center has been built next to Night Vale Junior High and will be open to the general public year round. Intern Amber is down there now getting information on open swim and testing out the facility for herself. And now, traffic.”
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“Um, listeners, I regret to inform you that Intern Amber drowned in the new aquatic center’s lap pool. To the family and friends of Intern Amber, we join you in mourning the loss of a wonderful intern and remember her service fondly.”
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“Oh, Intern Billy,” Cecil said as he strode into the producer’s booth. “There’s an infestation of ghouls down at the Starbucks. Can you do me a favor and go check it out for me? I plan on reporting on it for my show.”
“Um, Mister Palmer?” Intern Billy asked. “Shouldn’t you go down and check it out? You are a reporter after all…”
“Nonsense Billy,” Cecil said, clapping Billy on the shoulder. “You can do it. Now get down there.”
~~
“Today, dear listeners, we mourn the loss of Intern Billy. Intern Billy was tragically eaten by ghouls in the Starbucks on the corner of Spear Street and Cactus Lane. To the family of Intern Billy, sorry for your loss.”
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“Intern Curt will be going down to Mission Grove Park to explore the mysterious stone circle that appeared overnight,” Cecil said, glancing at Intern Curt as he spoke. “If you see him, feel free to stop and talk to him about the stones. He’ll be happy to hear your input.”
Intern Curt gave Cecil a scared look as he took a recorder from the cabinet. Cecil gave him a wave and a smile as the intern left, pale and shaking.
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“The stone circle flashed, engulfing Intern Curt for a full minute before Sheriff’s Secret Police were able to pull him from the circle. Initial autopsy reports show a series of growths had sprouted in his brain in that short time span, causing irreparable damage and death. To the family of Intern Curt, you can pick of the body at the Night Vale Morgue.”
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“Today is the opening of the Night Vale monorail system listeners! I hope you’re as excited as we are here at Night Vale Community Radio. Our very own Intern Daniel was chosen to participate in the maiden voyage of our new monorail system and will be supplying us with all of the details once he returns- Oh? Um… Listeners, this just in. Tragedy has struck this wonderful occasion. The Night Vale monorail system has been derailed due to a horned beast chewing on the wiring on a control panel, causing the tracks to shift mid turn. There were no survivors. To the family of Intern Daniel, we offer our condolences. And now, a word from our sponsors.”
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“Night Vale today is our annual Building Demolition Day. You all should have received a postcard in the mail with a list of buildings slated for demolition by the City Council about two weeks ago and cleared out if your home or office was on the list. Those who have not evacuated will be buried alive when the buildings are demolished.”
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“Listeners, I regret to inform you that Intern Eric and his entire family did not heed my warning earlier. Their house was demolished earlier today with the entire family still inside. Rescue crews are trying to dig them out, but they are not optimistic that they will be able to help the family. To the family of Intern Eric, you all should have known better.”
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“Today the Hooded Figures will be performing their rituals in public as the Dog Park is undergoing self reconstruction. They will be performing their various blood ceremonies in Mission Grove Park. Anyone who does not wish to be used as a sacrifice would do well to stay as far away from them as possible. Speaking of which… Intern Frank? Are you busy at the moment?”
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“This just in listeners: Intern Frank was used as a sacrifice to speed up the Dog Park’s process of self reconstruction, allowing the Hooded Figures to relocate to the inside of the now completed Dog Park. Intern Frank has stabbed in the left eye, and his blood was used to complete the necessary ritual. To the parents of Intern Frank, his corpse was dragged inside of the Dog Park. You will be unable to retrieve it at any point. We apologize for the inconvenience this may cause you. And now, horoscopes.”
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“Listeners, we have a new intern here at Night Vale Community Radio. We aren’t quite sure what his name is, but he keeps whispering ‘Greg’ over and over so we’re just calling him Greg for now. Intern Greg is pale, kind of translucent and appears to be covered in some sort of viscera. To be honest with you listeners, it’s a bit unsettling. But we’re not going to let that dissuade Intern Greg from having a great experience in radio. So join me in welcoming Intern Greg to the team! I’m sure he’ll do just fine here.”
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“Listeners, you know how I told you about our newest Intern a few weeks ago? Intern Greg? Well, I did some research and Intern Greg was actually a ghost! Can you believe that? I first had my suspicions when the standard intern uniform wouldn’t stay on him and he walked straight through the studio wall. As it turns out, Intern Greg was never born, but was a miscarriage about 18 years ago. His mother, who will remain anonymous, stated that she didn’t know what her son would have done if he had been born, but she bet he would have loved radio. And now listeners, let’s take a look at sports.”
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“Today is, against the better judgment of the Night Vale community as a whole, opening of the ancient tombs that were found in the sand wastes last week. The Night Vale Anthropological Society, a group of anthropologists who fancy themselves to be like a certain wisecracking archaeologist who comically destroys countless important artifacts under the hilarious misapprehension that they belong in his museum rather than in the religious sites of the cultures that made them, decided that disrupting ancient burial grounds in the name of discovery was a good idea and invited Intern Heather, an Anthropology and Journalism double major, to join their expedition. Well, I hope she has fun exploring and has a lot to report when she returns.”
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“Tragic news listeners. It appears that the Night Vale Anthropological Society, along with Intern Heather and several other archaeologists sprang one of the multiple traps inside of the tombs and have sealed themselves inside. To the family of Intern Heather, we apologize that your daughter was trapped with that group of idiots. Now, a look at the community calendar.”
~~
“Listeners, this has been a bad month for the interns here at Night Vale Community Radio. Within the last week alone, we’ve gone through 8 interns! Here’s a quick list of each intern and how they met their untimely demise: Intern Isaac, who lost control of his bike on the new bike path and due to a lack of front brakes, crashed into a tree. Intern Johnny, who was bitten by several wheat snakes that escaped from the Sheriff’s Secret Police headquarters. Intern Kimmy, who was shot in the head during an NRA rally. Intern Larry, who was also shot during the NRA rally and bled out before EMTs could arrive. Intern Marie, who was vaporized by the light show at Club Fuego on Tuesday. Intern Nick, who participated in Night Vale Community College’s Boxing competition against Desert Bluffs and was unfairly matched up with a member of a heavier weight class than his own. Intern Olive, who tried to match speeds with the ghost cars on Route 800 and crashed when a deer ran into the road. And Intern Pat who accidently drank some glass laced coffee that the Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in All of Our Homes left in the staffroom earlier today. To the families of our lost interns…. Here’s the weather.”
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“Well listeners, we apparently did not learn our lesson from the last intern who went to the Whispering Forest. I received a phone call earlier today from Intern Quentin’s mother saying the boy was going on a trip to the Whispering Forest. I warned her not to let him go, as we had already lost one intern to the forest, but she paid no heed. So I went down to the forest to see if I could find Intern Quentin, but he had apparently taken the long trail through the forest. He is more than likely a tree by now, so there's not much we can do now.”
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“As the riots subsided, I watched as Intern Raina was carted off by the Strex agents, as she was one of the apparent ringleaders. I can’t say for certain, but I think they are taking her to the abandoned mineshaft outside of town. To the family of Intern Raina, she brought this one on herself. As did the others for trying to overthrow StrexCorp without any real planning or help from a certain group of children. And now, a word from our sponsors: StrexCorp.”
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“The Night Vale Community Rec Center has been closed due to an increase in accidental bow and arrow deaths due to an increase in delivered cockiness emotion to the facility in the last two weeks. In related news, Intern Stevie was shot by a bow held by an overly cocky archer as they were walking to collect his arrows, resulting in his death. To the family of Intern Stevie, he was a wonderful intern and will be missed.”
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“Listeners, a freak snowstorm has hit Night Vale today. Which is weird because we live in a desert and therefore snow should not be able to form, let alone stick as it has. We here at Night Vale Community Radio encourage you to stay in your homes and to not attempt to leave. Wait until the storm has passed before venturing outside. More on this story as it continues to happen.”
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“Listeners, I am coming to you live from inside of my living room. The snow more or less buried the studio and we barely made it out in time. I left a space heater in the men’s bathroom for Khoshekh and his kittens and I am currently sitting in my living room drinking hot chocolate. Intern Tory, who decided to wear clothes that were not snow appropriate today, froze on the way back to her car. To the family of Intern Tory, we apologize and offer you two free hot chocolate coupons for the Moonlight All Night Diner.”
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“The hoodlums opened up John Peters- you know, the farmer’s- corral, releasing the army of tiny horses into Night Vale. The tiny horses stampeded around town, trampling several people under hoof until John Peters- you know, the farmer- was able to arrive on the scene and round them up once more. Intern Urich was one of many trampled by the tiny horses and died due to hoof related trauma. To the family of Intern Urich, et cetera. And now, a look at the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner!”
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“Listeners, as unfortunate as it is life is not a permanent thing. Why, within the last two weeks, we lost four more interns. Intern Vanessa, while trying to fix the radio antenna on the roof of Night Vale Community Radio, lost her footing and fell to her death. Intern Will was struck by a car by during an impromptu go kart rally on Main Street. Intern Xavier wandered out of the safety zone and into a tar pit in the industrial section of town in which he promptly sank. Intern Yessy’s plane vanished from around them as they were test flying a skywriting plane, which reappeared after they plummeted to the ground. Each intern gave their lives in service to Night Vale Community Radio and will be missed. Probably not in several months, but for now, they will be missed. And now, a word from Dark Owl Records!”
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“This just in listeners, desert hysteria is most definitely a thing. Intern Zack, who was last seen wandering the sand wastes about a week ago, contracted desert hysteria while reading the transcripts from old Night Vale Community Radio shows. I don’t know what was in those transcripts, as I personally don’t read those silly old records, but whatever it was, it must have been terrifying. As it is, listeners, we are currently out of interns here at the radio station. If you’re interested, give us a call. Stay tuned for the sound of manic laughter followed by near-silent sobbing. Good night, Night Vale, good night.”